restart in 2024

12:56pm

Last week I was sitting around contemplating life and decided that I really need to put some effort into changing my situation. My physical health and my soul.

I’ve been reading some people on here that have been making such positive changes and it’s inspiring, yet my motivation stays where it’s been for so long: in the dumps. I’m at that time in the month where feelings are all over the place so I’m sure that is contributing in its own way.

Last week was busy. I went to the doc to do a 3-month follow up on the new injections. Things have definitely improved with my skin and some swelling, but my RT ankle is still killing me and hindering my knee recovery. Also a bit of swelling still in my RT wrist. Two locations I’ve never had issues with until this year, go figure. I also weighed in at what I believe to be my highest weight, which is ridiculous considering EC and I have been trying to get more exercise and I can move more than I’ve been able to for a few years. It’s so discouraging.

That should probably help motivate me to work harder, but I think it just makes me depressed. I’m in such a weird headspace and life space right now. I need to find a new job to help me feel comfortable being able to contribute to the upkeep of our new home. I have savings, but it’s not enough of a cushion.

I’ve been looking around here and there but there’s two major things stopping me from actually applying anywhere: 1) I totally feel like I’m abandoning my mom, her business, and a job that I actually love. 2) I cannot consider anything without also making sure I have health insurance coverage.

It’s crazy that we’re supposed to be this great almighty country [being sarcastic here] and every move I make in life right now has to have the main focus be whether I will have health insurance because for some reason I can’t afford to pay $16,000+ every two months for my injections. How insane is that?! Every decision I make revolves around this one fact. Getting married, finding a new job, living my life.

Honestly, I’ve even strongly considered just “marrying” EC but not actually turning in the marriage license so I won’t lose my insurance. Crazy I tell you!
And I can’t talk to EC about any of this. I can talk to him about absolutely everything else in this world, as cliche as it is he’s my best friend, but not this. It’s always the money stuff huh? We just see the whole situation so differently and we’ve tried to talk about it on multiple occasions but it just won’t click. So here I sit, just stacking this all up in my brain, letting it fester and eat away at me....and I wonder why I’m still sick.

Hence why I’m here though: I need to dump this somewhere so I’m trying to build some new habits. Originally I wanted to try to write every day but I don’t want to overwhelm myself and just give up before I start. Maybe three times a week? That seems more doable. If I do more, great, but at least 3x. Let’s try. shrug

When I got up this morning I told myself this was the first thing I was going to do so I wouldn’t procrastinate and come up with a reason not to. Yet, here it is, after 1pm and I still haven’t even had breakfast because I just had to catch up on entries first. How can you write with all those entries sitting there? ha. I’ve done it though and now I need to go work on a list of chores so I don’t feel like I wasted the entire day reading with Grey’s Anatomy episodes in the background [because I have 30 free days with hulu & I’m seasons behind. haha].

Alright, time for a snack, check on the dog, and start marking off that to-do list. See you soon?

rose.
1:16pm