life resumes in Each Day

M is home.

He got home last Friday. The difference in both of us since his return is actually mind boggling. The anger and apathy that plagued his texts is basically gone. The low feelings and pointlessness I was wading through is basically gone.
It makes me wonder if we’re too dependant on each other. But, like, heaven forbid we enjoy our life together? Isn’t that the point of, like, everything?
It makes me think of what Tina has been saying about dropping thoughts that don’t serve me, “is this thought helpful in the moment”? Part of me still thinks, “but what if I need that concern?” Hoarding thoughts.
That is not where I was planning on going with that paragraph… To me dropping a thought feels like escapism, not healthy thought patterns. If I just drop all the negative thoughts, then… what? That doesn’t make the negativity go away. But like, neither does ruminating.
I guess where I’m going with that is so what if M and I are “too dependant”. We still function. We don’t hurt each other. How could being bonded the way we are be truly bad?
Insert intrusive thought about not wanting to exist in a world without him…

I have had the thought that I was a better military spouse when he was in the Army. And then I have to remind myself that was because he didn’t trust you and you were afraid to let him know the real you. It’s so much easier to be away from a person you’re already keeping at arms length.

During my last therapy session we talked about the before and after of M and I. Tina asked the unanswerable question of “how the hell did you get here from there”, to which I practically yelled, “I DON’T EVEN KNOW!!!!!”
She posited that M’s anger might be a bi-product of him opening up. That all the armour he’s shed in the last several years has allowed the pain he’s been suppressing surface. And like me when I started acknowledging the gaping hole that was losing my dad, his pain is anger, anger being so much more powerful and righteous.
I find it really incredible that the more I understand myself, the less resilient I feel. It starts with acknowledging how much [insert trauma here] sucked, and not wanting to be back in that position again. And instead of the barrier being there to keep you “strong”, it’s all raw and painful, and you feel weak.

I am also noticing that understanding myself makes accepting anything less than authenticity has become impossible. Self-advocacy is constant. Existing in the face of injustice is impossible. I wrote about it in the previous entry, speaking up even when I don’t want to, telling my boss I need cooler temps for emotional regulation. It puts me in the place of “feeling like an exception” which is also a place I hate to exist. But here I am. Apparently this is my role in this world.

Anywayyyyyyy.

Back to M’s return: For me it’s like he never left. It’s unsurprising that his return feels surreal to him. The first few days he’d walk around with a sort of awe and say how weird it is to be home.

Happy to report that sexy time is back in full swing. Hah.

M took the whole week off. I took Monday and Tuesday off to hang out with him and get shit back in order, but I went to work Wednesday with the plan of giving him some time to himself in the house. Tuesday night he says to me, “Why don’t you just take the rest of the week?” So I got to work and put in a leave pass until Monday.
There’s a good chance we’re going to take half of next week too.

The weird thing that is happening lately is that I need to tap out of hanging out more than he does. But I suppose that’s also not surprising. I’ve been alone this whole time existing in our home. He’s been alone this whole time existing in an unfamiliar place. The only thing that has changed for me is how much time alone I’m spending. Everything has changed for him, except me. Still, it’s a new pattern for us. I’m sure once he’s back to work he’ll need his own time, too.

Anyway… it took me a long time to get these thoughts down, so now I want to go hang out with my incredibly hot, hilarious husband.

I’m such a lucky person.