July 2019 in 2010s

WEDNESDAY, JULY 31, 2019
I was telling Tom about my visit with Dixie the other day and how it was a weird coincidence that someone with her name on Facebook was suggested to me right after meeting her. He said I probably mentioned her in a blog and that’s why, and then I remembered Aly mentioning something about algorithms. So I just have to blog about someone I can’t find on Facebook and maybe they’ll be suggested to me instead? I kinda like that idea!

There’s only one Dixie T on Facebook and the only thing I could find on her is that she’s younger than I thought…81. I really thought she was in the late 80s to early 90s. First I thought she was younger till she mentioned Diane’s age.

Pretty sure she doesn’t have any kids of her own from what I can see and that she would have mentioned them if she did. I’m guessing she was married at one point since she refers to Diane as a stepdaughter.

Dixie replied to my emails. I ended up sending two because in the second one, I told her I was unable to text her because the number she gave me is a landline.

She writes well. She said she had a difficult day and expected to have a rough time with Diane this evening because she hasn’t been wanting to take showers lately. She thinks it might be because the support bars are in a different place. Also, Diane has an obsession with bubbles every now and then and Dixie has to watch her so that she washes herself instead of plays.

LOL, I can see why she wouldn’t want to leave her alone for long, especially at night. That must be quite a handful for Dixie to manage since she can barely walk. It just seems like an enormous responsibility!

She said she enjoyed my company and our chats and that if I see her on her patio when I’m out walking, do stop by.

She said she would purchase one of my books this afternoon, but if she did, it’s not showing on my sales report. So if anyone’s been buying my books, either sales take time to show up or Kobo is ripping me off worse than Amazon.

My giant wind chime is too annoying even for me so I took it down. It was like a fucking gong going off out there. Wouldn’t be surprised if some of the neighbors could hear it as well. I’ll hang onto it and see where we end up. If we’re going to have a piece of land somewhere where I can hang it further from the house, I may take it. If not, I’ll hang it back out there before we go and let the next people decide what they want to do with it. Or maybe Dixie would like it.

Right after 8:30, I decided it was a good time to go out walking and then I saw a skunk across the street. I came back in and then I said, “I’m not letting these bastards control me.” So back out I went and I didn’t see any more skunks. There were still some people and traffic out which made me feel a little more comfortable as far as the skunks went. I know they don’t chase people but I don’t want to accidentally get too close to one when it’s harder to see at night and they could be in the shadowy sections of the park.

Ended up walking for about 25 minutes. I didn’t see Dixie on her patio on the way back but that’s okay. We don’t need to chat every single day and she knows I’m not overly sociable to begin with, even though she says I’ve been the friendliest in the 10 months she’s been here whereas most people just wave and say hello and that’s it.

I decided that my book Digital Confessions is too stupid for publication so I’m going through Forget It now.

Can’t remember much in the way of dreams other than proudly telling someone about my new Labrador.

Aly and Cam almost make me seem like I hardly have any appointments. Never have I known people in their 30s to have so many appointments, urgent care trips, ER trips, and hospital stays! Cam had numbness and tingling in his lower back and hips, collapsed at work, and Aly’s last message was that he was at the ER and may be admitted. Damn!

I’m starting to wonder if Aly really is still reading my journals that I email her, so I’m thinking I might do a little test and send her one asking which sentence sounds better for a story I’m editing or something like that and see if she replies.

MONDAY, JULY 29, 2019
Although it was 15 degrees cooler today, I only walked for a half-hour instead of an hour because even at 8:30 it was still kind of warm.

As I was coming up Astro, there was still enough light to see Dixie sitting on her patio. We ended up talking for a half-hour. She tells me I’m the only one who has been nice to her and even though I’ve known others here for longer, she’s the first person I consider an actual friend of sorts here. Not an Aly kind of friend but a friend nonetheless since she’s just different than Bob, Virginia and the Twenties and people like that.

Not sure she’s all there but she’s harmless. She does get contradictory and seems to be forgetful at times but hey, she’s got to be well in her 80s. First she said she loved Ray and Nora whom she got the place from. Ray was the grumpy old man I didn’t like and tonight she said nobody liked him. Well, Jon did.

She told me a little about her stepdaughter Diane and yes, she’s mentally challenged but an amazing survivor from what she told me. Her parents took off to Alaska and dumped her in a state hospital where she grew up for 25 years. I thought my childhood was bad! Diane is 72. That loud obnoxious Pride bus takes her to recreational activities.

Dixie said some Mexican woman who watches her at times is too busy with too many jobs and she wanted to know if I would be willing to take over and I actually wouldn’t mind except for my sleep disorder which I explained to her and she seemed to accept it without judgment. She even seemed to understand too, LOL. She said something about going somewhere at night in September and not wanting to leave Diane alone. I told her that if she calls me and I’m up and available and not doing anything else at the moment, I would be happy to help out but couldn’t make plans in advance.

She hates Trump too and is sure that he, Putin and Kim are going to take over the world as evil dictators but I assured her I have a very strong feeling Trump will not be re-elected.

Here’s something weird. I asked if her last name was T and she said yes. I told her that after we first met, a Dixie T appeared on my People You May Know section of Facebook and that person has no profile picture and only one friend in Loomis. She swears it’s not her and that she’s not even on Facebook because she doesn’t ever want to get caught up in social media or anything like that. Says there’s no way it could be Diane either. So even though she’s either denying it, has multiple personalities, is incredibly forgetful, or has a very strange impersonator, I like her. There’s just something that makes her likable even though she doesn’t shut up and may not be very bright or 100% with it.

They lived in some nearby condo for 30 years and she injured her leg and can’t walk well, so she was hoping coming here would make it better but it didn’t. She has to use one of those sit-down carts that you drive when going to Walmart.

Since I’m forgetful too, I forgot that I already have her number on my phone. She gave it to me when we were helping her with her clicker. We exchanged email addresses and I sent her a test email.

She wouldn’t tell me her age, saying she was sensitive about that and I told her that’s perfectly fine. What I didn’t tell her is that it’s obvious she’s pretty old, LOL. She’s frail, arthritic and definitely old looking but I’ve seen worse.

I don’t think she’ll be a pest or anything but at least anyone that comes to the door can’t wake me up and neither can a phone call or an email. She should be easy to ignore if she contacts me when I don’t want to be bothered but I can’t see her getting pesky. As I said, she’s nice and likable and in some ways, if I needed a ride or something like a glass of milk, I would feel more comfortable going to her than to others.

That’s another funny thing she said. She just spent $100 at Sam’s Club and didn’t get anything fresh, LOL. Like she was beating herself up afterward for not doing so.

When I was leaving I said it was a little dark but I would be able to find my way back. And she asked if Tom worried about me walking at night by myself, LOL. Not in a gated community. Diane goes to bed the same time he does, so she was asleep. Anyway, she told me to go down the front steps, then she said no, go out the back and then all of a sudden she remembered she could turn the front light on and I would see my way down the stairs in front, haha, so I did. I couldn’t get in the front door because our fucking door gets stuck at this time of year so I had to come in back.

Discovered another food that doesn’t seem to put weight on me and I’m surprised to say that it’s toast since bread is supposed to be bad for weight loss. As I mentioned before, Tom and I convinced each other to jump on diets together at least till August 10th. Even though his metabolism seems to be slower than mine despite having a working thyroid, I think he’ll be down 5 to 10 lb because he has more weight to lose than I do but I don’t think I’m ever getting under 153 until I’m old and dying. Need to have 1000 calories a day to bust under that and the only way to do that would be with the stomach band because I’m not going to magically acquire the incredibly amazing willpower it would take to do that every day for months. I also can’t live on toast and popcorn for a year, but yeah, I was really hungry when I was getting ready for bed so I threw a couple of slices of bread in the toaster and sprayed it with zero-calorie butter spray and found it didn’t put any weight on me.

Just to see if it was a coincidence or not, I had a couple of pieces of toast shortly after I got up and had my coffee and found that it still didn’t put weight on me. Then I waited about an hour and had another couple of slices and got the same results… No weight gain. I’m pretty sure bread is still supposed to be bad for you either way because it supposedly has a negative influence on blood sugar or something like that. I’ll have to do some research sometime.

Poor Aly found mice again in their garage. They set up cameras and found the nest and have some guy coming to remove it. She also has the same cough and congestion she had before. At least if they ever have to move they can do it right away as most people can.

Had my first dream involving Cam. Even though I’ve never seen a picture of him, I still knew who he was. I lived alone in a place that didn’t look anything like this, and he and Aly came to visit. As we were all getting ready to turn in one night, he started complaining that I was coming between their relationship. Well, he used the word “marriage,” actually.

“So just because I turn to her during some tough times that means I’m coming between you? Well, I’m sorry if I came between you or you think I did,” I said.

I couldn’t believe how rude he was after I put them up for free. I momentarily thought of kicking him out but that would mean kicking Aly out as well and I didn’t want to do that to her. I decided to go to bed, if I wasn’t too pissed to sleep, and would deal with his rude ass in the morning.

Told Aly about the dream and she said he was not accusatory or jealous in any way even though it was still an interesting dream.

SUNDAY, JULY 28, 2019
Went swimming and the pool was both deserted and gorgeous on what turned out to be a 106° day. Very hot and dry with only 14% humidity. The water felt cool at first, then perfect, then slightly warm after I got out for a second, then dove back in.

Getting excited with August right around the corner! Definitely onto something with the brand and the dose. Just don’t know how much of the dose is a factor these days but brand…definitely!

The only thing that bothers me is what if I never figured this out? How long would it have been before any doctor told me to question and experiment with brands?

Tom was telling me about an article he read where everyone in this guy’s family, including him, would be so dizzy that they would be bedridden. The doctors did all kinds of tests, including testing his thyroid and looking for tumors yet found nothing. Eventually, they gave up on him and told him to go to a shrink. In the end, he had to be his own doctor in order to figure out what was wrong with him. Through research, he learned that the tip of one of his adrenal glands was enlarged. But because the tissue wasn’t abnormal but just more of what was normal, it didn’t show up during testing.

I also remember this movie I saw where this girl started doing crazy things and she too, was referred to a shrink when it turned out she had a rare autoimmune disease that affected her brain. One doctor who actually cared and wasn’t too lazy to do the work of figuring it out, discovered it.

It really does bother me and even pissed me off when I think of all these so-called experts that fail to consider other possibilities. I realize they can’t always be perfect and they don’t always know it all and get it right, but the number of doctors that prefer to take the easy way out and write something off as simple anxiety or whatever is a bit frightening. There’s no excuse for that! We have lost so, so much time and money on anxiety-related appointments that could have been prevented.

Same with the lady rash I had. If Alyssa had just fucking diagnosed me correctly, I never would have gone through the intense burning and itching of steroids and suffered 4 years when all I had to do was switch to all-cotton undies, change them a few times a day, use free and clear soaps and detergents, and get a bidet. It just seems like any doctor should be smart enough to have been able to diagnose and tell me these things the first time around. So Amy is definitely my hero, and Tom confirms that everything looks normal again down there. :-)

I do admit that Dr. O didn’t brush my entire case off as me just being anxious and that she did tell me and explain about pocket flares in the thyroid, which probably had a hand in the booming heart episodes I was having.

Also, when I was telling my GYN what happened she did say, “Oh, yeah, Levothyroxine can have some pretty scary consequences.” She didn’t say, “Anxiety isn’t even a side effect,” like Dr. A did.

Alyssa also did tell me it could make my heart race but for the most part, she blamed it on severe anxiety. Yeah, I had severe anxiety, all right, but it was mostly the medication at that time and some perimenopause. Sometimes she would kind of acknowledge this but Dr. A has always completely denied the medication as having a hand in it. This doesn’t mean I think Dr. A’s a bad doctor. She’s fine with everything else and I’ve seen her for half a decade now so I’m comfortable with her. From the research I’ve done and other stories I’ve heard, sadly, it’s common for patients with problems with Levothyroxine to be written off as simple anxiety cases because most people don’t have problems with the drug and it’s easier for the doctors that way. The less work they have to do to figure things out and look at other alternatives, the easier their jobs are.

I won’t even begin to get into the joke of an endo I first had with the other medical group. Amazing how she had a shitload of negative reviews when she lived here, but then she goes down to SoCal and everybody just loves her. Yeah, right! Fuck you, Doc D.

This isn’t to say I won’t ever be anxious again. I’m not postmenopausal yet and I’m still on this very strong and sometimes finicky drug. But in four months I’ve had only nine anxious days, most of which were mild and short-lived compared to the relentless, kickass anxiety I suffered for so long I wished I would die. Hopefully, it will continue to remain few and far between and short-lived if it doesn’t completely go away, but if anyone knows what it’s like to have the carpet yanked out from under her, it’s me. So I know there’s still a possibility it could come back full force as unlikely as it seems. I think as long as I stay on this brand and then cut my dose back down again if I try 75s and have problems again, I should be okay.

Still paying off things, though. Tom’s almost done paying off his MRI, and my ENT appointment was $250, we just learned. The biopsy is going to be at least $500, so we’re always in medical debt at least until we’re 65.

I wish I could be my own doctor again and figure out my weight so I could lower my risk of heart disease and other things even though it’s only 30 extra pounds, but there’s nothing to “figure out” in that case. I’m just older with shitty genetics. I don’t think being able to tolerate my medication to the point where I had perfect numbers would help either because Tom’s numbers have always been perfect yet his metabolism is even slower than mine. Most guys his height can have over 2,000 calories a day and still lose weight. He has to go to 1600 or lower.

I can’t get under 153 pounds without going under 1200 calories but that’s just too hard. Less than 1200 leaves me tired, grumpy, and hungry as hell. It’s just part of aging. If most older people could just lose weight, they would. I’m just glad my problem isn’t a lot worse as opposed to poor Tom. He has about 100 pounds to lose. We’re definite proof, though, that you don’t have to eat like a pig and sit on your ass all the time to be fat. I don’t even know if I can stay in the 150s all my life (even though I agree with those who say I look more like I’m 120 to 130 since I’m muscular) but I decided that when he’s 80, that’s it, LOL. I’m going to eat whatever whenever at that time since we won’t have that many years left anyway by then.

Purse stealing seems to be a common dream with me. Again, I got my purse stolen in my dreams when I was in this bus station and placed my hot pink purse down on the counter next to me. I only turned my head in the opposite direction for a split second and then it was gone.

This dream took place back in Springfield and I didn’t even know Tom. I was worried I wouldn’t be able to get on the bus now that I didn’t have my purse and money to pay for the fare.

I sat down on a bench and a younger woman with long dark hair (OMG, every time I voice type my pigs start chatting, LOL) sat down next to me and seemed very friendly.

I don’t know how I got home but now I knew Tom, and an older woman that might have been my mom tried to call him at work about my stolen purse. She talked to somebody briefly, hung up, and said he was home. Then, sure enough, Tom walked into the place and I told him immediately about what happened.

The other dream seemed to be in Florida. They made a pool out of a small lake. Parts of it had a cement retaining wall and there were ladders like you would find in a pool. I stuck a foot in it and found the water to be nice and warm.

SATURDAY, JULY 27, 2019
Really annoys me to be told by Tom that I’m just “more aware” these days and that there aren’t really any more loud cars than usual. Does he think he can brainwash me or something? Been pretty aware and observant all my life. We did NOT have as many loud vehicles years ago. Or as much traffic, loud or not. Plus, others have noticed the same thing. Yet no matter what I say, he’s always gotta disagree or suggests it’s “just me.”

“You’d never complain about a plane before.”

No, I wouldn’t…until there were dozens of them every day. They’ve been better lately but I’m sure that by September they’ll be an issue again. Small planes and helicopters are still a bit annoying at times, but hey, that’s just the new me, right? It couldn’t be because we’re close to an airport. Closer than any other place we’ve ever lived.

Didn’t sleep the greatest, although I’ve slept worse and awoken even more tired than I did. Heard the bastard who’s back as expected leave shortly after I got up. Yeah, he’s the bastard who likely woke me up a few hours before I got up when something loud zoomed by, but I won’t tell Tom that. It just gets too frustrating hearing how it’s just me being more aware, being “angry,” or perhaps I was just dreaming it.

Anyway, I’m sure the prick will be back again soon enough, making up for those few days it didn’t get to see its mommy and daddy. But I won’t make a comment like Carolyn and expect him to comment as well as Jon does. Instead of commenting, he’ll just be bothered by my comment/complaint.

There’s an estate sale going on at Dusty’s, so I guess the woman she took care of who lived there for 30 years died, and that house is next to go on the market.

Aly said she wouldn’t even tell Cam who she was considering dumping, let alone me. So it wasn’t me then. She’d certainly tell Cam if it was.

We went out to Rite Aid and neither of us got a single treat. Well, unless my merlot counts. That’s kind of become my new candy. Love the way it makes me feel and helps me unwind at the end of my day.

I had a dream I rode my bike to some pet store and purchased a small clear pink plastic cage for small animals. Then for some strange reason, I agreed to take this huge box and a large plastic ball, even though I knew I had no use for them and that the animals wouldn’t care for the ball. Instead of telling them, I had changed my mind, I simply said I would have to come back for the big box and ball because I could only take so much on my bike. I decided to myself I wouldn’t return, though.

Then I was talking to a young mom who adopted a baby girl and was a really good mother while remembering a documentary I’d seen about an older woman adopting a child that she abused and thinking how different they were.

FRIDAY, JULY 26, 2019
Only I can have a bowl of popcorn, a beef patty, a cup of coffee, a Slim-Fast shake, and a mac & cheese cup and go from 153.2 to 156.4 in 7 hours. So yeah, going to be right where I am on the 10th, the day we guessed where we’ll be after starting diets together. Oh, he’ll get the results most people get from sticking to diets if he does stick to it, but I think I’ll be 153-154, which seems to be my new low. sighs Sometimes we can’t make our bodies do things they don’t want to do. I just have one of those bodies that don’t respond to diet and exercise. It may respond to 800-1000 calories, but that’s no way to live. Not for me, anyway. Meanwhile, we’re guessing he’ll be down to 260 and he thinks I’ll be down to 149-150. No way. LOL, just no way. He started at 270 and I started at 155. These are first-thing-in-the-morning weights.

I was frying a beef patty in Caribbean Jerk marinade when the damn thing splattered in my eye as I went to flip it. That definitely didn’t tickle!

Tom got two free pillows from work. Some company screwed up and instead of sending computer parts, they sent pillows so everybody got free pillows. I’m going to leave them in their packages and take them when we move. The pillows we’re using now should be fine until we get out of here.

We went to the pool shortly after he got in and there were four other women there. The water was chilly but still pleasant.

When I came back I had a strange toothache. It was more like that section of my jaw ached than the tooth itself. It was by my upper I-teeth, towards the right.

So I’m back on Ask, as I said yesterday, and I see that Aly’s account goes back 6 months. In one of her answers from January, she says she’s currently considering cutting someone out of her life and I can’t help but wonder if that was me she was referring to, but more than likely it was either Molly or Kim. I asked her on WhatsApp but if I don’t get an answer, then maybe it really was me.

I know that because she’s already dumped me once, she could do it again but if she does, that’s it. I’m not going to fight for her or anyone else who doesn’t want to be in my life. I may not be as unforgiving as I wish I was, but I think one area I have improved in is not wasting time over those who don’t want to bother with me. I’m not going to lower and belittle myself by begging someone to stick around. I’m going to just enjoy every day that they’re in my life and leave it at that.

Aly’s both easy and tricky to deal with. She’s great because she’s very intelligent and she’s not the least bit judgmental. But she is very emotional and sensitive and one can never know what may upset her and that could be the most innocent of statements and even single words. Hell, the word “busy” is a trigger for her because it reminds her of when she would be told by adults as a kid that they were busy and to go find something else to do. So I could say that I took my nose spray earlier and maybe the word “nose” will be a horrible trigger for her. While I certainly wouldn’t want to intentionally offend her, I’ve got to be myself as well, so I’m careful not to mention those few trigger words but I’m not going to worry about every single fucking thing I say either. No one can please everyone. No one. There’s nothing we can say, think, do or believe that wouldn’t offend someone somewhere.

Funny how as soon as we make up our minds to go rural in a year or two, I don’t hear the mama’s boy for a few days. As in, things getting quieter before we move, as usual. Then again, he does disappear every now and then and it’s not like a year or two is a few months from now.

Although I would have preferred to schedule my Revenge story on a different Google account, creating multiple accounts at the same place can be a pain in the ass, so I’ve scheduled it in a blog of its own to publish in 2055. I know there’s a risk that the entire account would be shut down if someone saw it and reported it, be it the people I want it seen by or not, thus canceling out the journals that are scheduled in their own blog also for 2055, but there are no guarantees anyway. The scheduling is only for if we both died suddenly and unexpectedly without warning, like in a car crash or something. If I know I’m going to die or we both know we’re both going to die or I die suddenly, one of us will publish what I want to be published.

Last night I dreamed I was going to some doctor somewhere that might have been a dentist. Or maybe not. I’m not really sure. She was reluctant to see me because she thought I might like her a little too much. This wasn’t true but I asked if she could at least take care of something she had started on, but I’m not sure what. Then she said, “Yeah, I guess I’m obligated to finish blah blah blah…”

After seeing her, I left her office which was in a small building and realized I was barefoot. So I went back in and searched for my shoes and couldn’t find them. I gave up and went back outside. But then I really wanted my shoes because I didn’t want to step on anything that could cut my feet, so knowing that I had them when I went in there and that they had to be in there somewhere, I went back in, determined to find them before they closed, which was soon.

Unable to find the shoes upon a second search, I started to get really worried that I would be stuck there barefoot. I don’t know if I was expecting someone to pick me up or if I just couldn’t get very far without shoes in order to call for a ride or get home on my own. For a split second, I was tempted to smash their windows once they closed to trigger their alarms and alert the police that I was stuck there. Then I quickly dismissed the idea, knowing they would take me to jail and not home if I did.

In another dream, I seemed to be waiting forever in some kind of car parts store. The store had a little waiting room in back and I was sitting with half a dozen other people waiting for the cashier to be available. I thought about getting some headlights that I knew my mother needed, but then thought better of it in case I got the wrong ones.

THURSDAY, JULY 25, 2019
I scheduled the books that I had on Amazon to be published on Kobo over the next few months but they all published at once. Well, they put them out as pre-order items actually. So there are 5 published and 5 pre-orders.

Ordered a couple more sleeveless nightgowns because I’m low on summer nighties right now. I have one in pink, aqua, yellow and black. Soon I’ll have turquoise and lilac as well, so that will make six.

We ordered another bidet for the other bathroom as well. Definitely love the thing and wish I had it a long time ago. I already can’t wait to get one with a dryer in the next place. I always feel fresh and clean. Not only has the burning and itching in my crotch stopped but I don’t have that rash in my groin anymore. The leaking stopped too, or whatever that was where no matter how patient I was a drop of pee would sometimes leak which was why I wore liners for a while. It’s like a true miracle!

I created an email account in a bogus name and created a new account on Ask when Aly told me that new accounts aren’t being redirected. Well, they’re being hit with that game scam popping up on the phone so hopefully, it won’t happen on the laptop. So far, so good but as I told her, if it happens again with this account, I’m gone for good! Hate some of the changes they’ve made to that site but CC is pretty dead. At least it’s there as a backup, though.

She told someone on CC she ditched the account many knew about for a new one where she would no longer have the irritation/hurt of people deactivating.

Rolls eyes A little sensitive, are we? I can see getting a little frustrated but hurt? Literally, hurt? You gotta get off the internet if you’re that sensitive and going to take things that seriously! Really, that’s the one thing that annoys me about her. She’s way too sensitive and melodramatic at times, making way too big a deal out of some things. I got tired of having to watch every little thing I said, so since I can’t know if even the most innocent of statements may be something she’ll take the wrong way, I just say what I’ve got to say and accept that we can’t please everyone.

It really bothers me that people can look up what email accounts we have and what sites we’ve joined through those email addresses because it simply shouldn’t be anyone’s business unless we choose to tell them. So that’s why I created the bogus AOL email address under a random name. I don’t know why this country wants to bear and share it all but it’s definitely not big on privacy unless you take measures to do whatever you can to get some.

Didn’t sleep as well so I’m kind of tired today. I never sleep well during the daytime. I think it’s the stress of having to deal with the earbud and traffic, he thinks it’s perimenopause. Then why do I sleep better at night? I don’t think my hormones know what time of day it is.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 24, 2019
Good news. I no longer have to worry about the painting of the roads waking me up because they did it today. Tom was right. It wasn’t loud. Now let’s see if they can stay out of the roads for more than a year!

I scheduled a handful of books to publish over the next few months but they published all at once. This is still okay, though. Aly has been kind enough to proofread Dumping Davina along with me. Once in the store, I’ll tip Alyssa off about it and let her know she inspired the Laurina character. LOL Wonder if it would make her curious enough to buy it, but I doubt it.

Started getting rid of clothes that were too small for me. No more of the, “I’ll wear them when I lose weight” bullshit because I’m never losing weight.

The calls are back. Got a couple that left voice messages claiming my social security number has been suspended due to suspicious activity.

Do they really think people are that dumb?

We’re in the triple digits which will make the pool pleasant for us. We were thinking of going for a dip on Friday evening. But even I get sick of intense heat after a while because it makes it so hard for working out and sleeping, especially working out. I’m on the treadmill right now and I have to do it in chunks.

I woke up for an hour or so at 6 after crashing at midnight and I should have made myself get up then because it’s still going to be a struggle to get to my next two appointments. Instead, I ended up dozing off until 11. :-(

While I dozed I had a dream I could definitely have done without. I don’t know if we were living in an adult community or where it was but the black bitch lived in our neighborhood. She had the same kind of screen mesh alongside her carport that we have.

I was walking by when it was dark and I could see a faint glow of light through the screen and then I heard her arguing with who I assumed was Mike somewhere in the carport. Then the talk turned romantic and she was talking about having another kid. I couldn’t wait to tell Tom and wonder how she would pull that off since that may be pretty tough to do at 44. In reality, she’s only a few years younger than me.

Then I was suddenly inside her house. She wasn’t home and I don’t know if I broke in or if I was with anyone else, but I was surprised at how immaculate it was. I was drinking coffee and poured what was left of it down the drain and put the cup in her dishwasher. Then I wondered if she’d recognize me if she came home, and thought I better just get out of there instead.

TUESDAY, JULY 23, 2019
If you like the sound of landscaping, then Tuesdays are the days you would love it here. They do the greenbelt and one of the houses across the street on Tuesdays so it’s definitely the most active day for those mowers and blowers.

I totally love the new bidet and wish I’d gotten it years ago. It always leaves me as fresh as if I just stepped out of the shower. If only I had known! I don’t know if it was the treatment or the lack of regular use of a bidet or not always wearing all-cotton underwear that was giving me so many problems, but it’s great to feel so much better! Really thought I was doomed for life down there.

I just worry it might be a bit cold in the winter because it’s pretty cool right now and it’s 100° out there.

It has six levels of pressure and I like it best between one and two. I honestly don’t see how anybody could stand getting even remotely close to max pressure without ripping their asses apart.

I like the regular setting better than the feminine setting because the regular setting gets more toward the front of me. The feminine setting is actually best for taking dumps.

The only thing I hate is that now the toilet seat is even higher. That’s because the bidet nozzle goes between the bowl and the seat. You have to wedge these rubber pieces between the lid and bowl to fill in the gap, and I woke up to find the two back pieces in the toilet. Tom will glue them when he gets home.

Hoping to get bidets with dryers in the next place. Then, just like we eliminated our need for gas by getting an electric car, we wouldn’t need toilet paper either.

Had to get pig food on Amazon but I’m not going to get additional popcorn makers. Yeah, all the colors are cool but I really don’t need a dozen popcorn makers. My pink and purple ones are enough.

Sick of that live chat thing already. The people are boring and it’s not like I’m thirsting to talk to strangers, make new cyber pals, or meet anyone. It’s almost all men and if I don’t get some kid, I get some slut. To each their own but I just don’t find these folks interesting. I guess I’m just picky and hard to impress.

We were talking about when we think we can get out of here, and while life isn’t usually what we plan it and things often take longer than expected, we’re hoping that if things go well with his apps, next year. If not, the year after.

Still excited to return to country living despite the pros and cons. One concern is if he has a 45-minute drive to work and I absolutely have to start a new medication, well, that may be scary with a medication phobia and even scarier if something went wrong. Also, we do have an electric car and it can’t drive forever.

There are also pros and cons of going off the grid. I would prefer to have everything we need already there (the well, electricity), but then if we went off-grid we could pick out our own house. I’m hoping for 5-10 acres to get further from the street as opposed to 1-2 acres, but it seems that the bigger parcels are more likely to be off the grid.

I finally got a health update from Tammy and it’s not good. I was under the impression she was doing better and that she didn’t have sarcoidosis but just typical lung damage from smoking. I keep getting conflicting reports when I look up the life expectancy for those with sarcoidosis. Some say it will kill you within a decade by causing complications with things like the heart, lungs and brain. Other reports say it’s not disabling and most people live normal lives with it.

They’re going to be burning nerves during two separate surgeries next month in her lower back. I was surprised to hear this because I thought she said that when they did this in her neck, it failed to help and actually made things worse.

She had to get a fentanyl patch recently but says the sarcoidosis, which she does have, is stable at the moment.

Another thing is something with a heart valve that is being closely monitored. That’s the scariest thing she mentioned because that’s something that certainly could affect me as well with all the heart disease running in the family. I’m hoping that because I quit smoking a lot younger than anyone else did and am in better shape, I’ll escape these issues or at least not get hit with them until much later in life. I know that being thinner and more active than other family members doesn’t make me exempt from problems but I’m doing my best mostly by keeping active and eating healthy. It’s a lot easier to cut out sodium than cholesterol because I feel like my food options are limited without meat.

Aly went to her GYN this morning for a pelvic exam and some x-rays to make sure she doesn’t have any more fibroids, and I’m waiting for a report from her and hoping she doesn’t need that hysterectomy but it may be the only solution to these ongoing problems she’s been having. She’s been suffering a lot of pain and bleeding on and off. It’s really too bad she’s not able to have that bone marrow operation as well. This country is just so fucking fucked up when it comes to healthcare, and it’s scary how many doctors fuck up as well. They misdiagnosed Tammy, and 5 years ago they told me I was “just anxious,” 2 years ago they told me I had first LP and then LS, and how long would it have been before a doctor was smart enough to tell me to question my brand of medication had I not caught onto that myself?

She said two doctors have told her that the humidity is making her worse but I wonder why she wants to go to North Carolina? It may not be as humid as Florida but it’s still humid enough. I’d go to New Mexico or Nevada. Can’t recommend Arizona after what that fucking state did to me.

MONDAY, JULY 22, 2019
Tom and I had a fun, interesting and exciting chat yesterday. As you know, I’ve been torn between rural Nevada and subtropical Florida. I could sit here forever listing tons of pros and cons to both of them.

But then we looked on Zillow to get ideas of what’s available in both areas and then it hit me. Who says we have to choose one or the other? Why not do both? Hawaii may be just a fantasy but why not go down to the Nevada or New Mexico desert for a handful of years and then finish off in Florida?

We talked about the benefits of him working until he’s 70, and to be honest, as long as I’m not suffering in the way that I was with the anxiety ever again, I’d be okay with that. It’s nice to know that if worse came to absolute worse and I needed him to be home all the time, he could now retire, get whatever assistance we may need to supplement the retirement income and be home with me full-time.

If he works until 70, we’d get just over $2,000 a month and I’d start getting a bigger percentage then as I’d be 62. I wouldn’t get as much if he retired at 66 and got $1,600 a month. Right now it would only be $1,100 a month. So I hope he’s not being overly optimistic when he insists that coding apps can eventually boost our income by a few hundred dollars a month.

The idea of going to the desert until he’s 70 excites me mostly because I’m sick of the crowds and being so close to such busy streets. It might explain some of the “country dreams” I’ve had, too. I know and accept that if we go rural there’s going to be nonstop barking from the neighboring properties because that’s just the west for you. Dogs aren’t considered household pets here unless they have to be. So I know I’ll be in for barking day and night. But at this point, if I have to have sound machines on all the time to drown out noise that’s at least drownable rather than have to worry about ferociously loud sounds overriding the sound machine and waking me up, so be it. It’s a compromise I’m willing to make at this point since I’m not allowed to live in peace anywhere. We just have to be sure to get a place at least 100’ from the road and avoid flight paths. I’m talking about military flight paths. Living with Sonic booms was no fun at all.

I don’t know if we’re really going to do this as I do know that one’s plans often get thrown off course due to circumstances out of their control. One of us could develop health issues that could ultimately prevent us from moving to Florida in the end or something like that. I don’t like the idea of remaining in a climate similar to this or even a little colder, but I would take eight more years of that out in the country before I took five more years of it right here. I know yesterday was unusually quiet and it’s been quiet so far today, but I can pretty much guarantee that it ain’t going to last long. The loud car, other loud vehicles, and landscaping will make their presence known before I know it. In fact, here’s the mama’s boy right now.

Yes, rural pose some potential problems like a higher risk of a home invasion, longer waiting time in the event of an emergency, and the potential for more problems from neighboring properties, it also opens the door to all kinds of exciting possibilities as well. While the neighbors may be blasting music, letting their dogs yip and yap, and allowing their trash to blow onto our land since we’re likely going to have to go back to burning trash in a metal drum, we could get our own pool again! Not an inground pool like we had in Phoenix but one of those inflatables. About four feet deep is all we need and remember, one of us is short. I could have fun and just two or three feet of water. :-)

We could also get a dog sooner. The reason we haven’t gotten one here is that I can’t always be available to walk it during the daytime when he’s at work. But if we had land somewhere out in the country, we could put it outside during those times. Why not? Everyone else’s dogs would be outside. I just want to make sure that this time around we have adequate fencing to keep loose dogs out. Hated that in Arizona! Yeah, that’s another thing; they don’t just let them bark nonstop without a care in the world as to who it may annoy, they let them run loose, too.

I don’t know if we’ll get an established piece of land that already has a home on it or if we’ll go off the grid, but I guess that depends on what we find and the costs. We really don’t want to go over $100,000.

At first I was like, but we can’t get a place unless he’s fully retired or he could show he’s been at a job for at least a year, but given how much the average manufactured home is selling for in this area, I think we could actually get at least $70,000 for it as is. So if we put $30,000 down on a house, that leaves us $40,000 to hold us over until he can get a job, and it’s not going to take him two years to get one. Not unless we have another huge recession and that’s unlikely.

We saw a gorgeous modern house listed on a property in Belen, New Mexico, so we’re keeping our eyes peeled. Even if we do this, it’s not going to happen tomorrow or the next day. The biggest thing is that we stay healthy! As far as I can see, sudden and unexpected health issues could be the only thing that could hold us back. Hopefully, I’ll never experience the kind of anxiety I experienced because I’m never going to be in the heart of perimenopause again and I’m never going to be dumb enough to keep taking medication that so obviously seems to have a big hand in making me feel like shit. I’m now going to know about cutting back and questioning brands, etc.

With August approaching, my excitement is definitely turning up a notch after having just 9 anxious days which were mostly pretty mild compared to the weeks and sometimes months of hardcore anxiety I used to go through. I’m definitely onto something with the brand. No doubt about it. I’ll never touch Mylan or Lannett again. As far as dosage? I can’t say for sure exactly how much of that was a factor at this time. I won’t know until and if I return to 75s.

77 days. Just 77 days is all I need to go without a period and I’ll be officially menopausal!

Anyway, there are pros and cons to just about every state. I don’t like how Florida, New Mexico and Nevada don’t have the Death with Dignity Act that should have been implemented everywhere ages ago. That would be one of the few negatives to leaving Cali. Cali also has more programs than any other state. We couldn’t afford to stay here on $1,600 a month, but then we would get food stamps and free insurance to supplement us. Cali is a very giving state. It’s just harder to get stuff when you’re white and you’re from here. We shamelessly took food stamps in Auburn during the recession and it helped us tremendously. We were only disappointed that we didn’t know we qualified for help sooner. A lot sooner.

There is nothing more important than good health and happiness. Nothing. I would rather be happy and healthy and have just enough to get by than feel like shit with all kinds of extra money. Hell, I’d be dirt poor before I went through what I went through for most of the time we lived in this house!

Now for a surprising update on Tammy. First she tells me she’s reluctant to discuss her health with me because she read in my journal how I wrote that we spoke and once again it was all about her health issues. She’s correct. I did indeed write this not because I was sick of hearing about her health but because that seemed to be 99% of what we talked about. She would rarely ask things about me and I felt like I had to volunteer whatever. I don’t mind discussing the same things over and over for the most part (unless it’s race, politics or religion). It’s when that’s all I hear about that it gets old. Like me bitching about the noise or talking about the rats. I can see where that would get old for some people but what if that was all I talked about?

The question is where the hell did she see this? That’s something I would have kept private.

The surprising part was when she said the house was for sale and they’re moving to the Blue Ridge Mountains of North Carolina. I was like… WTF? How did she go from Ohio to North Carolina? I thought maybe they had a falling out with Mark’s family but she said Ohio would be hard on him, whatever that meant. I’m thinking it has to do with the climate. I told her I couldn’t imagine her moving to Ohio and that she would regret every single snowflake just like I did in Oregon.

Getting a little worried about my weight. At first it looked like cutting my pills wouldn’t affect it but now I don’t know. Or maybe it would’ve happened even if my numbers were perfect and it’s just part of aging and my shitty genetics, but it’s getting harder to get even just those few pounds off that I’ve always been able to lose.

My weight’s still the same at 155.2 (has been for days now) and I worry either something’s wrong with me or it’s too late to lose weight. I’m afraid I’ve hit the latest highs too many times to get back down. The longer the extra weight hangs on, the more it becomes a part of you. So now getting to 153-154 may be a thing of the past. I’ll eat a little less today and tomorrow we’ll see if 155 really has “become me” or not.

SUNDAY, JULY 21, 2019
Tom and I power-hosed the patio and furniture.

My office is now back in the living room once again but I’m not using the corner desk there. Well, I have the giant TV on it, but I actually brought out the smaller desk I had in the bedroom to put in front of it, angled the treadmill to the left of it, and put a small bookcase to the right of it, forming a U-shaped workspace. The idea is for me to be able to go back and forth from working on the treadmill to working sitting down at the desk without having to unplug things. The screen is a little high when sitting at the desk in a little low when on the treadmill but it’s working out nicely so far. This way I only have to move the mouse back and forth and I’ll hopefully be motivated to walk at least an hour a day this way.

I just wish I could lose more than a few pounds, but at least I will lose a few and I’ll be healthier and feel better. I put the skier in the bedroom where the small desk was so I can ski when listening to my book as I begin to unwind.

The only negatives to being in here besides the fact that it’s noisier with all the big windows are that it’s warmer in this area in the summer and colder in the winter. At least I can be around the animals more.

While today has been unusually quiet as far as traffic and landscaping goes, you do hear the little sounds easier in the living room unless something’s running like the little fan on the corner of my desk or some kind of white noise/nature sounds. Right now I hear some dog yapping down the street that I’m pretty sure lives on the other side of Bob and Virginia. Or maybe it’s Santa’s dog. Heard it when I visited Bob and Virginia on the 4th and then walking to Dixie’s.

Got a very lovely and realistic German Shepherd figurine that is quite heavy from Goodwill. It’s obviously meant to be outdoors but I’m keeping it indoors because it’s so beautiful. Had to touch up some chips with paint, but I just love it. :)

Almost didn’t go treasure hunting there today thinking it’d be too soon for them to have new stuff. When I didn’t find anything interesting where the figurines and dolls are kept, I moved on and cut through an area of the store I don’t usually browse in. It was then that I spotted the dog. Someone probably got it from where the figurines are and changed their mind as they went through the store, then placed it there.

Also got a tiny figurine of a rottweiler puppy with a leash in its mouth.

Just had an interesting and exciting chat with Tom but I’ll explain later, plus a surprising update from Tammy.

SATURDAY, JULY 20, 2019
Dumping Davina is now finished at 13399 words! But I’m having trouble submitting it for validation. Maybe it will be fixed after the weekend.

Yesterday I was pulling the trash bin in after the trash was picked up, and a woman in a white SUV waved to me. My first thought was that it was Geri since she has a white SUV, but she doesn’t usually flash such a bright smile as this woman did. It was then that I realized it was Dixie.

Tried to talk myself out of bothering, knowing the potential trouble friends can bring, but was curious so I took a walk down to her place and asked if she knew when they would be painting the speed bumps.

She said she didn’t know and when I realized she had been eating, I asked if I caught her at a bad time. She said no, and that she and her stepdaughter were eating salads she picked up at Wendy’s.

I asked if she liked it here and she said she didn’t like having to pay a grand for the lot and having to hire a gardener. They have way more plants than we do, but when cared for, it looks nice and makes the place much more private. Their patio and furniture were nice and clean, too. Tomorrow we’ll be power-hosing our patio and furniture. Despite the regular noise from traffic and landscaping, it’s good to get out in the fresh air and sun if only for a few minutes a day and actually use the bench swing we paid hundreds for.

So she invited me in and never shut up, LOL. She was rather erratic too, in that she changed subjects rapidly and was a bit contradictory. She wasn’t happy here due to it being expensive and the freeway so close, but later she said she was very happy there. She doesn’t seem bothered by the traffic but doesn’t like how she can “smell” the freeway (gas).

Her daughter was scarily ugly. Her face reminded me of a pug dog with her wide-set bulging eyes. She lives there and she’s the one that gets picked up by that loud Pride bus. I guess they deal with mentally challenged people and I get the impression she may be autistic. Those are almost as hard to deal with as bipolars. You cross them or they think you’ve crossed them and they’ll go ballistic on you. Wonder if Kim’s listed as autistic? Despite living in a country that isn’t very big on privacy, I can’t think of any way to look that up and find out exactly what her disabilities are said to be.

I’m guessing Dixie is in her 70s, Pug, her 50s.

Once inside the house, I found that it was the exact same house we have. Just different carpet and colors, of course. They didn’t seem to have much. Their bookcase was mostly empty. They had a small dining table but there was stuff on it, like beads and things for crafting projects. What was weird was that instead of sitting on stools at the counter, they had a little two-seater just inside the kitchen, running along one of the counters. Why block cabinets when you can sit at the counter, I wondered, but it’s their place. So, whatever works for them.

She pulled out a very uncomfortable chair from the dining table for me to sit on while they sat in their kitchen finishing their salads. She pointed out things she liked and didn’t like about the place. She doesn’t like the dark granite countertops but she likes the Berber carpet. Me too. I would still prefer laminate flooring but if I had to have carpet, that’s what I would go with. Pretty sure that’s what Bob and Virginia have as well.

She said that a guy was going into his house somewhere in this park and left the door open behind him. First she said something about him bringing his bike inside and then it was a dog. Either way, some guy followed him in and tried to rob him or something. When she told me this, I remember the time we were coming in from wherever and saw a cluster of cop cars. I wonder if that had anything to do with it. The gates are open in the daytime but since the park is a bit out of the way, I’m guessing it was a gardener or something like that. Random druggies and homeless people simply don’t wander into this park.

First she spoke kindly of the lady next to her and “Santa.” Then she said something about not saying anything to anyone because of her words being misinterpreted, whatever that meant, and also that she was told the people here were friendly but doesn’t think so.

Well, I can think of a certain household that truly doesn’t want to get along with its neighbors. I think at first they started off not caring, then when they learned that some people around here don’t appreciate their shit, they went out of their way to be more annoying. People are just twisted like that. It’s like how Miss Perfect was. First she seemed to care about my feelings and not offending me. Then she didn’t care if she did or not. Then she actually went out of her way to piss me off.

But yeah, the mama’s boy has been coming around more and more, like two or three times a day. It really does make me wonder if he’s homeless by choice and if it’s about spite. It’s like his parents are total enablers, feeding him, paying for the heap of shit he drives, and his cigarettes just so he doesn’t have to get a job and take responsibility for his own life. I can’t think of any other legitimate reason he would be around so often other than due to being a moocher and just for pure spite. From what I’ve heard of Melody, she definitely sounds like the type that would have her son annoy the neighborhood after being complained about. She and her husband aren’t disabled, so he’s no caretaker. My first thought was maybe he was working on their place for them but since 2017? They don’t have any business they run online or anything that I’m aware of, and even if they did, why would that require him to spend so much time there if he was helping them out?

We went to Whole Foods this morning to check out their buffet. Damn parents who let their kids scream and shout non-stop! Everywhere we go, unless it’s really early or really late, some brat is out of control. I don’t understand how the parents themselves can stand it. When I was a kid, kids simply didn’t act like this. They were taught discipline, manners and respect. I wish more teachers would pick up where today’s parents are leaving off. It isn’t just those around them they annoy with their ear-piercing antics, but if raised to believe it’s okay to be so uncivilized as kids, they’re going to become selfish, inconsiderate adults. Well, that’s not what I want running the world in 20 years.

Would love to go to this really cool water park we drove by but it’s because of these brats that I can’t enjoy things like this because they’re always there to ruin things. We both hate crowds anyway, but still. People should be able to go out in public without someone screaming in their ear so loud they can’t hear their husband talking to them, just like they should be able to go out and not have to inhale secondhand smoke. You may not give a shit about your lungs, but I care about mine.

So the buffet itself wasn’t really that great. The pizza wasn’t the best I’d ever had and the rest of the stuff I gathered was just okay. The mac and cheese were outstanding but the eggs tasted funny, bacon is just bacon, potatoes are just potatoes, then there was something I tried that I didn’t like all because it turned out to be spicy. Definitely not worth going back again.

The cool thing was that they have a handful of charging stations outside their place so we could get a free charge while we were in the store. I was surprised by how many other electric cars were there charging as well.

The traffic was no fun either and every time I’m out in it, I long to be in a much less populated area. Since we can’t live in Maui, I really like the idea of Stuart because it’s a lot smaller and almost everybody is older there. As I said, I don’t understand how people can tolerate these wild brats these days, but if you can, you’re damn amazing! I know not all of them act like animals but the numbers are way up there for sure.

After waiting at a long light, Tom pointed out that I’m getting more impatient lately and he’s right. I am. I don’t know why, but I just am. I think most of us get less tolerant and impatient with age. But that’s not what bothers me. I’m content to be who I am. It’s him being more bothered by my complaining than what I’m bothered about that bothers me. He admitted he’s “weak.” I guess in that sense he kind of is, but it also isn’t just him not being able to handle me complaining, I really get tired of him making excuses for or defending the people and things that bother me. Who the hell does that?

I’m worried about my buddy because I’ve had a feeling about her needing a hysterectomy. But then she started improving and I thought maybe my vibe was meaningless. However, she started having problems again, so I don’t know. Unfortunately, I’m not usually wrong on these kinds of things.

I’m also worried about Tammy because she’ll be 62 soon and I’ve had a bad feeling about her hitting that age for several years now. I just don’t know what it’s about.

Not sure I’m going to keep my Twitter account or CC because it’s been kind of dead. Even our camp cabin is awfully quiet.

After we came back, we went out to Rite Aid a little later for treats and my mini-wines I can’t seem to give up. Especially merlot! I first thought it would be cool to get a bottle of Merlot and not touch it for 15 years or so to see what it tastes like after it’s aged, but then when I read up on how to age wine, I found that it’s best for it to remain at a steady temperature of around 55 degrees. That’s not something I can do, so I’m not going to bother. I’m also not going to spend hundreds just to find out what aged wine is like.

Was watching a really cool documentary about the sun and learned some amazing facts like how the light we see when we look at the sun takes a hundred thousand years to get from the core to the surface yet only eight minutes to hit the Earth and four hours to make it to Neptune.

On our way into the store, I found a penny lying heads up in the parking lot. I know from first-hand experience that if you pick up a penny that’s tails side up, it’s bad luck. Well, picking it up on the head side isn’t exactly good luck as I’d hoped because we won’t be installing the bidet today. The tee connector doesn’t fit. Ordered one specially made for Veken bidets that will arrive tomorrow.

FRIDAY, JULY 19, 2019
“I’m not what you think I am. You’re what you think I think I am.”

Saw this meme on Facebook in the first person that came to mind was Andy. In his mind, I was definitely everything he was and that he wanted me to be, which was part of why our friendship couldn’t work.

He parked up the hill when he got in at around 4 yesterday and then decided around 7 that if they hadn’t moved the barricades he was coming in anyway because Candy needs to be charged at night. Turns out people were getting impatient since it was after 6, so they moved the barricades themselves.

Not sure it was really worth spending the time and money, not to mention putting people out, to coat the roads here. When I was out walking, you could still tell where all the cuts were that they made during other annoying projects, and none of the cracks were filled in. All they did was make everything the same color. It’s kind of an ugly one, if you ask me because it’s so dark. It still looks better than it did before.

They worked on and off for about 7 hours. The huge blowers that looked like they were pushing these generators around, were moderately loud, but the seal coater wasn’t that loud. Jackhammers and woodchippers are way louder. When they had all their equipment turned off, it was dead quiet since no one could drive by. You’d think it was 4am or something.

From a distance, it looked like a giant mop mopping the road and I learned how the process was done just by watching. Didn’t smell inside the house but it was a little smelly outside. I took pictures to share with Tom and on Facebook.

The thing is that I know they’ll find something else to do in the roads before we know it. There’s always some shit going on here. They haven’t painted the speed bumps yet so that’s one more thing I’ll have to deal with and hope it doesn’t wake me up, depending on when they get to that. I’d like to say I hope this will be it for a while but I’m sure it won’t be. If it isn’t the park doing something loud and obnoxious, it will be one of the residents.

On my way back, Bob was sweeping behind his garage. I said hello and asked what he was up to. In a grumpy tone, he said, “Picking up this mess!”

I told him they made a mess of our carport as well and Tom had to blow it off.

Yesterday really got me missing country living and while there would certainly be positive things to that, I still don’t know if it’s wise for an aging couple to just go off the grid.

I also have mixed emotions about Florida’s climate vs. Nevada’s. I really want to live in a more tropical climate that’s warmer year-round but I’d worry about storms waking me up regularly and evacuations and shit like that for hurricanes, and we don’t know how living there may affect our health. There’s just no way to magically know this without living there for a while.

While I wouldn’t have to worry about this in the desert, it gets colder there than a lot of people think. I don’t want to go anywhere where it’s cold, even if it was only for a couple of months.

The mama’s boy has already been making up for lost time, as I knew it would. Came in earlier, though not at 6:30. It made one of today’s three trips beginning at 7:45.

I messaged Carolyn and told her that if they’re on vacation, they picked the right time for that, and mentioned how noisy it’s been and the pictures I posted. They’re in Alturas because their daughter and SIL opened a grocery outlet. They’ll be back this evening.

THURSDAY, JULY 18, 2019
Went to the top of the hill around 6am. I could see the trucks there as well as the area beyond the hill that they paved yesterday. Makes sense that they’d leave their trucks and equipment here overnight. Looks like there are just dots across the speed bumps, so they haven’t been painted yet. Today’s our section but who knows when someone will return to paint? They won’t be working tomorrow since tomorrow is trash day.

And the road rage is on! Barely after 7, they started blowing the streets with this giant push-blower.

I’m on the treadmill right now since I won’t be going out anymore today.

Regardless of age and genetics, when you’re low on thyroid you’re rarely able to lose weight. So I decided quite a while ago that I would just let my weight be. However, I definitely have to go back to cooking from scratch or close enough to it since processed foods aren’t good for me. I still shouldn’t be overdoing things like cholesterol and sodium. Yeah, I’m going to die someday anyway, but I would prefer that to be closer to 30 years from now and not a decade.

Was going to try to finish my NaNo project today but with all the distractions going on I don’t think I’ll be nearly as productive as I was in my dreams last night. Yeah, I strangled a serial killer. Me and a group of people were determined to catch this serial rapist/murderer in the area. We busted into some woman’s house as he was about to kill her and we all attacked the guy with me being the one to put his last lights out. Kudos to me! :-)

Yesterday I said to myself, watch, the mama’s boy is going to come in more than once today because it knows it’s going to miss mommy and daddy time tomorrow which is today. Again, with a son that clingy, I don’t know why they bother to move here. Maybe they thought they could wean him off and into taking responsibility for getting a life? Yet with three visits in one day, I’d say their efforts failed.

The Chatroulette site is definitely full of all kinds of weird characters. Some beat off, as I was warned they would, and then there are some kids whom I absolutely will not talk to. I don’t want to risk getting caught up in any perverts out there that may be abusing the site or have them twist anything I say. A couple of kids did me a favor by quickly moving on with a, “Goodbye, grandma,” LOL. Oh, the beauties of aging!

Most of the users are guys from what I can see so far, but I like how there are so many users that you’re unlikely to get the same person more than once. It isn’t something I plan to use often but I kind of get a kick out of it when I do. I just ramble on about whatever when I get someone who doesn’t want to have an actual conversation.

One guy decided it looked like I had big boobs and wanted to see them, but since I couldn’t get anything for it, he didn’t get his so-called “prize,” as he put it. You want to pay me, I’ll happily flash them. I have no problem with those who make money from their assets as long as no one’s being hurt. If I did, I wouldn’t have been an exotic dancer way back in my young, skinny days. Tom and I actually talked about me camming or at least doing paid texts, since I would think most people would still want visuals of the young and thin, but agreed it wouldn’t be worth the money to waste time investing in. But yeah, I’ll tell you anything you want to hear if you’ll pay me for it. I mean why not? :-) The only thing you’re going to get for free that isn’t part of my face, though, depending on what type of top I have on, are my well-muscled shoulders and upper arms.

OMG, they made a fucking mess of our carport! This is it. This is the day that cinched my decision to return to the country, so the Nevada desert it is instead of Florida. I’ve had it with adult communities and their obsession with appearance. Landscaping every single fucking day. Regular projects. I’ve had enough! I’m tired of how when someone gets a new roof, I’m the one that’s got to deal with it. When someone goes to tent their place, I’m the one that’s got to listen to it.

I think I might actually sleep worse in Florida with all the storms there. It just seems that that may more than make up for the traffic here. Either way, I’ve had it with traffic and projects galore. Every day I hear some kind of equipment running be it for landscaping or some kind of park or home Improvement project and I’m tired of it. I didn’t sign on for this shit! I thought these communities were supposed to be about peace. Never would have bothered to come here had I known what I was in for, though I can see where most mainstream neighborhoods must be way worse depending on climate. I’m guessing cold climates would be okay in the winter, but then again, we had loud car stereos going by many times a day even in the dead of winter up in Oregon. Noise pollution is everywhere these days that the only real place to get any peace is out in the country, even if dogs will always be a problem there, especially in the West. And if you’re really unlucky, so will sonic booms and hunters. It’s the frequency and the volume I’m considering. There are way too many loud sounds here. It’s ridiculous for any neighborhood, but even more so for an adult community. I shouldn’t have to worry that I might be woken up even at 1 in the morning if someone decides to roar in on a motorcycle.

The Twenties haven’t been around since I first went out at 6, then I saw Geri take her car up the hill and then walk back. Bob and Virginia’s SUV is still in their garage.

They haven’t finished blowing because there’s still plenty of shit in front of the house. They went down alongside the house and to the other side of the circle and then stopped. All has been quiet for the last half hour or so, so I don’t know when they’re going to start up again. I asked one of the guys when cars could drive through and he said not until 6. So Tom’s going to have to park elsewhere until then. It would be nice if they would have the common courtesy to blow off our driveway at some point, but I’m sure they won’t. So once again, it’s just people doing things that aren’t necessary other than for looks that are at our expense in some way.

The blowers are deafening so I’m staying in the living room to help keep the animals calm. I don’t know if it makes them nervous in any way, but just in case, I’m here.

Saw someone driving some other equipment at the corner, and now they’re blowing the front of the house on down.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 17, 2019
Ome.tv is an interesting way to waste time if you get bored or have trouble sleeping. Talked to a 50-year-old guy in New York in both English and Spanish. I’m guessing he was Puerto Rican.

Then I was going to chat with a younger guy in France who didn’t seem to know much English. Although I can read a bit of French, I never could get into the language so I can’t speak it. Just don’t find it pretty as most people do. Never would have learned German if it wasn’t for Nane.

The green doll eyes arrived and they’re much nicer than my own green eyes with flecks of gold in them that mine don’t have. Mine are just plain old medium to dark green that reminds me of moss or algae. They look surprisingly good on Gia but I don’t know that they would look good on Suki. Dark brown is still my favorite. The only thing I don’t like about the Gia head is how one eye is more open than the other.

It was the eyeshadow/liner stick that was a waste of money because it’s barely visible. Would have preferred blue or purple but they didn’t have that and I was curious to try it since it was cheap.

The precancerous spot on my chest is shrinking which I read they can do, so it might not need to be sprayed with liquid nitrogen. We’ll see how it is when I see Amy next month.

Haven’t gotten a robocall in over a week so maybe the blocks are finally working? Naw, I’d say more than likely the different scammers went down their list of numbers and found they weren’t going to get a response from this one.

I think part of the reason I’ve been tired lately isn’t just poor sleep but because I’ve been having too many processed foods again, so once I finish what I have, it’s back to cooking fresh stuff.

No anxiety today which is good and the experiment is still proving to be mostly successful since I’ve counted only nine days where I was either anxious or close to it since beginning it. In the past, my anxiety would last for weeks and sometimes even months. Brand was definitely a factor but dosage? I guess I’ll find that out when I one day return to 75s.

Last night I had the weirdest dreams. I don’t know where Tom was but Dr. O was living here. We were going to be going somewhere but first, she wanted to take a nap. I was doing things in another part of the house, which surprisingly looked exactly like this house looks when I realized after a while that she may have overslept. She was sleeping in the second bedroom, so I peeked in from the laundry room and saw she was just beginning to stir.

Then it seemed like we might have been in Springfield when she was taking me to her place. I expected it to be a house but instead, it was an old hotel that was converted into apartments.

Her dark curly hair was an inch or two below her shoulders instead of above and I told her I liked her hair longer. That was exactly what I thought the last couple of times I saw her. She was not only a brilliant doctor but despite having a stern personality, you couldn’t help but like her anyway. And even though most people would consider her average-looking, there was something about her I don’t know if I could exactly call attractive, but she did look pretty good for her 60s.

Then I had a dream Tom and I found out I was pregnant as we were walking somewhere. Tom told me the doctor wanted me to take this, too. Not sure what “this” was but when I asked why he said because I was older.

Then I was in a pool by myself totally unable to believe I was pregnant. I wasn’t showing yet but when I thought of all I would lose once the baby arrived (I don’t know why I didn’t just get rid of it since it wasn’t what I wanted), I was a little disappointed and worried. I knew I would have to give up a lot and that things wouldn’t be the same.

TUESDAY, JULY 16, 2019
Was glad to finally sleep better after nearly a week and to have enough energy to jog down to the lake and back. As I was coming back up from the lake and turned onto Oak, I saw tons of cars parked on the outer edge of it and at first I was like, WTF? Then I looked down toward the first curve in the road and saw them prepping for today’s “road rage.” Yesterday they repaved the front part of the park, and the road we usually turn on when we come in the front gate was closed off, so he had to go the other way. It was open when he left early this morning.

I wonder if he’ll be able to get in on Thursday when our section is on for repaving? He may have to park down at the clubhouse or somewhere.

This fucking park, man. There’s always something going on here. Always.

Anyway, I didn’t feel any traces of anxiety yesterday but for a couple of hours earlier, I had mild traces of it. Going to see how I do until the end of the month and then decide whether or not I think it’s worth going back to 75s in time to push my TSH down under 10 for labs and all that. I’m not ready to call it a bust yet, but if it does get worse, then that puts me back to square one as far as trying to figure out what it could be. I still think some brands made it worse but I’m not sure about the dose at this point. I’m still hoping most of it is on me approaching menopause and that will be in just under three months if I can make it without another period. I’ve been hot flashing, so if I can still do that, I guess I could still get anxious and have those bouts of racing HRs.

Tom had a good point in saying that it seems to be less often and less intense lately. I suppose it’s unreasonable to think it would ever stop just like that, like flicking a light switch. Still, I really hope it’s connected to that and not the medication itself or me simply acquiring a medical disorder that makes me anxious on and off. If it was the medication itself, though, then I would think it would make me anxious every single time I took it, no matter what the dose or brand. Me just up and becoming this way for the rest of my life? I still can’t buy that one but I sure as hell hope not!

Yesterday was the first day I needed a Tucks in a while.

Hate the new Twitter. All they did was rearrange things and not give us features we could actually use. Hate the way my cover pic no longer stretches across the screen and how I can’t just hover over the name of someone and see their tweet count. There are some people I don’t actually follow but look in on every now and then. Some don’t always tweet and I used to be able to hover over their name and see if their tweet count had risen since the last time I checked. At this rate, I’d say they’re never going to let us edit tweets or make some private. A calendar would be nice to quickly jump to older tweets, too.

MONDAY, JULY 15, 2019
“I am a liberal Democrat and even I don’t see what is wrong with going after illegal immigrants who have ALREADY HAD THEIR DAY IN COURT and have been ordered deported and they are still here (that’s who they say they are going after, though if you are here illegally and happen to be right there when they find someone who should have been deported, they will be taken into custody too). I live in a sanctuary city and I don’t understand why we are protecting people who are here illegally. If I went to another country illegally, I wouldn’t expect them to protect me. And they wouldn’t.”

She’s wrong! We MUST protect our illegals and put them first and foremost! We must give these criminals things that we have to pay for, like healthcare. Hey, it’s only fair. So what if they drive crime rates and overcrowding up. So what if our tax dollars must go to support them. So what if this means longer waiting times at the doctors and a tremendous strain on our system. It’s that pregnant rape victim we need to control. It’s those awful gays we need to restrict. Really folks, let’s be a real country and keep supporting our illegals!

Yes, I was being sarcastic. I also feel like shit today for the usual reasons…I slept shitty and so I’m exhausted. Will write about yesterday’s trip to what turned out to be quite a park later or tomorrow. I don’t even know if I have the energy to clean or do NaNo today. Just gotta change the pigs I regret getting.

Later…

Here I am sentenced to bed rest for the millionth time after sleeping shitty, also for the millionth time. Woke up hot flashing several times and once due to traffic. I’m at the point where I realize it’s pointless to sleep with the bud because if I’m going to wake up a million times anyway just because of the stress of sleeping in the daytime in this place, what’s a few more times from traffic? I’m still going to be just as exhausted.

I was able to fall back asleep after being up for a while, but I feel almost as tired as I would have if I had not fallen back asleep. I don’t know why the additional sleep doesn’t refresh me but it doesn’t. I only know that my sleep is so fucking cursed that I don’t doubt that this is the way it’s going to be no matter where we live.

As much as I want to get out of here, it still seems like we’re trapped with no way out until he retires. I swear this only happens to us. He says it’s all because of owning a place but that’s bullshit. Tammy owns yet they’re getting out of there. We’re the only ones this has ever happened to. I just hope it isn’t too late when he retires because who knows what my health is going to be like then? Sleeping shitty two-thirds of the time can’t possibly be good for me. Again, I know I’m not going to sleep any better elsewhere since that’s just one department I’ve been seriously cursed in all my life in various ways, but whenever we move, I don’t know that I want to own anything again. When the nice couple next door dies or moves, I don’t want to be stuck for years when the motorcycle moves in. I want to be able to move easier if owning is what’s really holding us back, and I can’t deny that that is indeed a big part of it. We’ll probably only be able to get 30 or 40 grand for this place and if we lived off of that while we moved and he scrambled to get a job, by the time someone would give us a place, the money we would need for a down payment would be gone.

But again, I don’t know that I want to own because not only can you get out faster if you rent, but what if the climate does affect either one of us in a bad way? I don’t want to have to wait 5 to 10 years to get out. And since we’re going to have a lot less money when he retires, then we don’t lose hundreds or even thousands of dollars when things break like water tanks, air conditioners, and stuff like that if we rent. Lastly, we’re going to eventually get too old to keep up on things ourselves. So would owning really be a wise idea? I’m not so sure about that anymore. As long as we don’t live with our landlord, then we shouldn’t be pestered by them. The only time management can get kind of pesky is if it’s an apartment complex. But if we don’t live on-site, we should be okay. When we rented the duplex and then the house in Oregon, the management company never came to the house. They only sent the owner out to the second house when we called the office when the refrigerator crapped out.

Anyway, I want to work on my NaNo project, go for a walk, and do some cleaning, but I just don’t have the energy. I’m so tired of constant sleep issues holding me back! I’d rather be awake and bored shitless than too tired to do anything.

I’m lying in bed voice typing this entry on my phone but don’t know when I’ll get around to editing it on my laptop.

Yesterday we went to the park by our place real early but there was a guy with four huge dogs there, and while they probably wouldn’t have bothered us, I didn’t want to take a chance. So we went to Rusch Park, and wow. Playgrounds are nothing like what they were in the 60s and 70s! It was quite a park, all right. It had everything…swings, jungle gyms, a mini zip line, monkey bars, a skate park, a tennis court, a soccer (or was it a baseball?) field, and a pool.

I sat on one of the swings for a minute and it was a rather “powerful” swing. I guess the way it hung from a hinge instead of a typical hook was why it swung so easily.

I climbed on some of the jungle gyms and if it was scarily high to me, I’m surprised most kids wouldn’t find it a bit spooky, but Tom insisted it wasn’t that high and that kids would find it fun.

Took advantage of Cyber Monday and the Amazon credit we’ve accumulated and got an attachable bidet for the master toilet, but this one won’t have hot water because the pipes don’t run back there. The other toilet is by the sink so it would be possible to run out there but not the master toilet. Should still be okay, even in the winter. I just know I love them so much I don’t want this ass to ever be without one again, portable or not, cold or not.

I’m like a whole new woman down there! It’s almost like you’d never know I had such burning and itching for so long, so yeah, I was definitely over-treating myself. The bidet has helped tremendously as well because it keeps me fresh and clean and not even my groin area is irritated anymore and I don’t have “leaking” either. Maybe the leaking was just me not being able to get clean enough with just toilet paper. Not sure if my weight has anything to do with that or not, but I love how the bidet has made me feel so much better along with wearing all-cotton underwear. Real underwear and no g-strings, even though I still have a few g-strings I’ll wear from time to time because I’ll miss them. In some ways, those are more comfortable but then they’re also not.

Also ordered a pair of green eyes for the doll but it’s a nicer shade of green than my own eyes, and a combination eyeshadow/eyeliner stick to try.

A little later…

I’m a solar keyboard. Just like a solar keyboard needs light for energy, I stood in the kitchen window and let the early morning sun shine upon my face and it seemed to charge me up enough to clean one of the bathrooms.

I’ve been hot flashing more lately, which I seem to do more of when I’m tired. Would really love to stay up until five or six, but I don’t know that I can hold out that long.

SUNDAY, JULY 14, 2019
I am both horrified and mystified by the country’s protest of ICE going after the illegals running rampant in this country, free to drive the crime rate up, cash in on freebies and hog our already burdened resources. Really, what the hell is wrong with people? Just what the hell is it I’m missing here because it seems to me we should be thrilled that ICE is about to clean up some of the country’s problems. Guess it’s a good thing rallies and marches never changed things and that those in power are going to do what they’re going to do anyway, whether we like it or not, cuz guess what? I don’t want our tax dollars paying for some criminal’s healthcare while we struggle to pay our own.

But God help the woman who should decide to terminate her own pregnancy, right? I don’t get it. I just don’t get it. I mean Tom pointed out that the abortion shit is about religion and that that’s always been about control, but I don’t understand why the hell everyone wants thousands of illegals to storm this country at our expense. That one has thus far flown completely over my head.

Because there’s fighting going on and their own countries? Well, why should that be our problem? If they can’t learn to grow up, get along, and stop fighting like it’s a sibling rivalry contest, why should we be expected to pick up the pieces?

Anyway, other than failing to understand my fellow humans, not much is going on at the moment. The weather has been nice and we’ve been in and out. Went to Sam’s yesterday and am going to a park early this morning and then to Walmart.

Ralph’s car hasn’t been hauled away, actually, but is sitting parked on the street on the trailer attached to the Oregon truck. I’m guessing it’s his son.

Hated that fucking car. It wasn’t nearly as loud as the mama’s boy’s and motorcycles, but it was loud enough. I was glad when he was no longer able to drive it. I just dread what may be moving in there eventually with loud vehicles being so common despite today’s technology. I don’t even know if I could do away with the earbuds even if the street was a hundred feet from the bedroom window.

SATURDAY, JULY 13, 2019
A mix of good and bad with my health, but first, the Oregon trailer hauled the car away yesterday. The trailer is still there, though, so I don’t know what else needs to be done or how long they’ll be there.

For 4-5 hours last night, I felt a little on edge and was worried I’d be hit with a new round of anxiety, but wasn’t exactly anxious. Barely 6 hours into my sleep I woke up and had trouble falling back asleep. I was still tired, too. Amazingly, I was eventually able to nap for a couple of hours but it didn’t do me any good. I’m still tired and I’ve felt warm all night. Really thought I was over this shit with the sleep issues but apparently not.

Didn’t feel anxious tonight but my heart raced 4-5 hours.

We went out walking last night after midnight for about 15 minutes and never saw a single skunk so that much was good. Wanted to go bike riding today but not sure I have the energy. Don’t even know if I have the energy to go with him to Sam’s later on but I’m going to try.

Now my heart has settled down and I don’t quite feel as tired but I have this weird headache that Ibuprofen hasn’t managed to help with yet. It’s this throbbing pain in the space of a quarter by my right temple.

I don’t get for the life of me how one who’s anti-abortion can say that if God puts a life in one’s womb, it’s not up to us to extinguish it. So if their imaginary friend puts a tumor in someone’s body, should it not be up to them to extinguish it with chemo?

Well, you can relax with this reality check, people! Sex puts kids in wombs, not “God,” and shitty luck puts tumors in us as well.

Anyway, I had some vivid dreams while I was napping earlier. In one dream, Tom asked if I wanted something from McDonald’s while at this mall of some kind. I said sure because I was starving.

Then we took seats in these boots that had shelves that contained customers’ belongings. I stared in awe at all these shiny trinkets and Barbies on one of the shelves.

“Don’t stare too long,” Tom told me as I continued to check out all the colorful items.

I said something about Barbie’s measurements changing over the years and that they no longer use her old molds, and then there was this tiny creature (a mouse?) living on the shelves that poked its head out from behind something for a moment. We were surprised it didn’t try to escape and that it stayed obediently on the shelves.

I opened my laptop while we ate and blogged in Spanish.

Then I later went into a panic because someone stole this beautiful floral purse I had with a gold chain making up a part of its strap. Everybody hung their purses on these hooks, much like a coat rack, and when I went to retrieve mine, it was gone. This had happened before at a “community” purse rack but I thought that was a fluke and would never happen again.

THURSDAY, JULY 11, 2019
Started to feel slightly on edge last night, but hopefully, it was only because I haven’t been trimming the pills as much and not because my experiment is about to prove to be a bust. Especially since they canceled my shrink appointment saying she wouldn’t be available that day and to call to reschedule.

No thanks. Not with the experiment still going well and with it taking ridiculously long to get into a shrink. Also, I wasn’t anything I could literally call anxious and I realize I’m not going to feel 100% perfect all the time, especially when I don’t sleep well.

When I got up, I trimmed my pill more toward the middle 3. The number 333 is on one side of the oblong pill. Lately, I’ve been trimming down to the outer 3, bringing it closer to 60mcg rather than 50. Today I trimmed it down to the middle 3. I don’t know that there was a connection, though. I am, however, getting really close to the critical point and if things are going to fall apart, that could be anytime now. Definitely both nervous and excited with August approaching! If I can get there and continue to remain stable, that’s when the real excitement begins!

I didn’t sleep that much better, but I slept longer which helped make up for any disturbances, so I feel better today as well as more rested. A thunk of some kind woke me up early in my sleep and then it was just because.

The flipper, relative, or whoever it is, is still working on Ralph’s place. When I got up shortly after 7, I heard scattered bumps and bangs. Maybe they’re the ones that woke me up if it wasn’t someone hitting the speed bump. The thing is they’re staying there overnight. They were just packing it in at around 7:30 and I could see that instead of the pieces of wood that were on the trailer, there were now a couple of trash bins and one in the carport. I hope to hell they don’t replace windows and I hope to hell even more they don’t do the roof! I hear enough shit around here!

Tom was laughing at my insistence that men who hate women are usually closet-case gays who can’t deal with their sexuality. He just doesn’t see the connection. Well, if you don’t like the opposite sex, that leaves only one other gender…your own.

Then again, who we’re attracted to has nothing to do with what we think of them as people. Being gay or lesbian is about being attracted to the same sex, not about how they treat us, otherwise most women would be lesbian for sure with all the shit men give them. I still think at least some of them are closet cases.

We also shared our different views on the fact that California is now giving free healthcare to illegals. When I read that, it really pissed the shit out of me and it still does. I’m tired of illegals and foreigners coming first. No wonder this country is so in debt. Giving freebies to criminals while honest, hardworking people who are from here have to pay thousands for their own healthcare needs definitely doesn’t sit well with me.

Tom says they’re doing it to save money in the end by giving them preventive care so they don’t have to go to the ER and cost a lot more money since no one is ever turned away from the ER no matter who you are or where you’re from.

I see his point but I still don’t agree with it. All that so-called preventive care eventually adds up and it’s our tax dollars that have to pay for it. I say deport, deport, deport! Treat them in the ER if you must and tell them to follow up in their own damn country or come back legally. Instead, for reasons I don’t understand, most of this country seems hell-bent on welcoming and protecting illegals.

I hate how people can pay to find my email addresses and what accounts I’ve signed up for, no matter how innocent those accounts may be. That is simply no one’s business at all. Why would you care anyway? Why would you want to find out what accounts a friend or someone has?

Speaking of friends, I accept that this is just the way Kim is, but it’s part of why I prefer to avoid the mentally ill, overly emotional/sensitive, and not quite stable in the future. I know that the so-called “normal” people can be a problem as well. After all, Nane turned out to be the judgemental bitch from hell, but those with loose screws are harder to deal with overall and more likely to turn on you if they think you’ve given them a reason to. I know some people are drawn to people like this but damn do they really make my head spin at times, LOL.

After Kim announced on Twitter that Rip Torn had passed and expressed in her journal that she found him funny and a talented actor, she asked me about him in a text message. I told her I wasn’t a fan of his and haven’t been into celebrities since the ’90s.

The copycat turns around and says she was never into his stuff and hasn’t followed celebrities since the 90s and early 2000s.

Really? Then why announce his death, praise him in your journal, and have a million fan accounts for a million different celebrities?

I can kind of understand the psychology behind those who strive to be the opposite of others, but I don’t get the copycatting. Does she think she’ll lose friends if she doesn’t agree with everything they say? With the opposite-doers, it’s all about rebelling. They get tired of feeling forced to conform to the norm so being different is their way of making a statement. One that says, see? I can be as different as I want!

I can see where someone that’s interested in someone may be tempted to pretend they like what they like and don’t like what they don’t like, but I’m not seeing why Kim feels she has to be that way. She does the same thing with Aly, but no matter how many times you try to explain that it’s okay to have some differences, it seems extremely important for her to be right in tune with you.

Twitter says they’re about to roll out some changes like account switching and night mode. First off, we already have night mode options, and I see nothing about things we could really use like editing tweets and choosing to make some private. They’re too all or nothing. I could use the account switcher, though, because Twitter is one of the few sites where I have more than one account. I have the one I share with Aly and Kim, one where I log when I get up, and the other is just for me for everything and anything. It’s sort of like a micro-journal. I was going to make it public and just not mention it to anyone since I didn’t see the point, but Aly would only find it, so I’ve protected my tweets. Besides, some tweets really are private anyway.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 10, 2019
Yesterday was the worst day of my life 5 years ago. Today we’ve been here 6 years. 5 more to go!

The lazy kid that lives here that Joy refuses to do anything about has come and gone three times in just two hours if even that.

Tired again today because again I slept shitty. Just kept waking up every hour or so. I don’t know if I can, because I’m tired, but I’m going to try to stay up as late as I can to push myself back onto days faster. The faster I get on days, the better I sleep.

Can’t figure out what’s going on at Ralph’s place. For a day or so there’s been a truck parked there with Oregon plates and a little trailer full of wood. I guess they’re replacing parts of the walls or floors since most of these places are getting old but it doesn’t say that it’s sold either. Maybe it’s a relative. If it was a flipper that bought the place, why would they stay there overnight and why wouldn’t the place say it was sold?

I just hope whoever buys it doesn’t have a loud vehicle! That fucking slacker punk is so loud I could feel the vibration beneath my feet in the bathroom when the damn cock went by. My God, when will its enabling parents push it out and make it get a life? They can’t be around for it forever.

Tom stopped at Whole Foods on his way home and got $10 to spend on Amazon Prime for doing so since they bought it, but the store is horribly expensive. He did say that there was this really cool-looking buffet in the middle of it so we’re both going to check that out sometime. I love buffets and it’s been a while since I’ve been to one.

TUESDAY, JULY 9, 2019
Changed the name of my current book to Dumping Davina and lowered my word count goal to 15K because it’s probably going to be a short story. Like one I’ll sell for $0.99.

Because I’m tired today I’m probably going to take the day off. Since lowering my word count goal, it takes some of the pressure off, even though I should still hit 20K before the end of the month. I just didn’t sleep well. Nothing woke me up. I just kept waking up a lot as I normally do when sleeping during the day.

The Wrong Sister has also been published. Maybe I’ll design some more covers tonight.

Why must being tired make me hungry? I don’t understand the connection. Tom is going to stop at Whole Foods on the way home tomorrow because he wants to try it out. I like to change up my smoothie and meal ingredients each week. All my fruit went to hell at the same time so I can’t wait until the weekend anyway. First-time shoppers get $10 to spend on Amazon.

Things have been feeling so much better down there since using the bidet regularly and not treating it as much. I don’t even use the Tacrolimus anymore. Just a dab of hydrocortisone every few days. Don’t know how long it will last but I’ll be enjoying it while it does!

While I would love to have a woman president for once and for all, I’m not sure about Kamala Harris because of the way she’s always talking about getting extra privileges and first dibs on things for her own kind, just as I suspected she would. I don’t want someone that’s going to favor their own and not serve everybody equally. I’ll still take her over Trump any day. Hopefully, women will respect themselves enough not to vote for him. Anyone who mistreats women should never be forgiven, made excuses for, or made amends with. It’s not okay for them to abuse women and it never will be.

Aly went from leaving me thinking she was dying in the hospital (does she actually want people to worry about her?) to blowing up my phone.

Facebook made my Nicole account as fake. Then again, I’m not sure what happened because everything was private there. I noticed the Account Switcher disappeared and when I tried to log into that account, they said they noticed suspicious activity on my account, asked me to insert a captcha and then provide a picture of myself. So was it hacked? Or did Facebook go through my private posts and not like what they saw?

I tried to see if I could look in on that account from my real account and I can’t, so they’ve got it locked. Decided not to bother doing anything about it. When the time comes and I know my days are numbered, I’ll create another account to post the story and message anyone who may still be around, and hopefully, Tom will do it if I can’t.

My only concern is that they might have fed me to the wolves just like Google once did, if it was about the story, but I’d guess not since I never sent anyone anything. The story was posted privately with the plan being that I would turn it public in the end. But I never got any notices about them selling me out to the pigs because they were subpoenaed for info or anything like that, but so what if they did? Just like last time, I know how to ignore anyone who thinks they can become my mommy and daddy and tell me what to do simply because of something I wrote… Especially when it was written in private and not shared with anyone. But yeah, someone hacked it or Facebook got a little nosy. I wasn’t about to give them my picture when I’m not Nicole Hammond and I can always create another account later on down the road.

Had a couple of dreams that might have been glimpses into other dimensions since they were plausible and not a series of crazy, senseless scenes.

In one dream, I didn’t know Tom, and Kim was still with Mark who she recently split from. For some reason, they both left their place while they were separated. Mark eventually went back to their place. Kim and I were talking about the situation and she decided not to return. I was glad to hear this because I was hoping she and I could get a place of our own together, knowing that she would be very easy to get along with given her easy-going personality.

In the other dream, we were living in a park in a manufactured home but it didn’t look anything like this. It was a 4-bedroom home that was set a little further back from the street and we weren’t on the corner either. The closest street was in front. We didn’t have anything running in back.

There were three bedrooms in front and one in back. The front part of the house had the master bedroom on one end, then the living room, then a couple of smaller bedrooms. I was in the master bedroom by the neighbor’s driveway, Tom was in back. I thought about sleeping in one of the inner bedrooms that were two walls away from the neighbors on the other side to see if it would be quieter.

MONDAY, JULY 8, 2019
After thinking about it, I decided that today is the day I’m going to say fuck it and go public. So what if any present or future neighbors find and read my blog/journal? So what if any present or future doctors read it? So what if any prospective park management or realtor reads it? It’s not like I’m sharing some top-secret information that could be used against anyone in the wrong way. :) I just won’t share the link to it publically on other sites. Gonna shut down Hula Dancer, too.

This way I not only have a place to share links to our books and apps, but I can make it easier on myself by sharing from one place instead of multiple places. Copying and pasting to half a dozen blogs, both private and not, and then having to go around and make any edits I later choose to make, gets to be a bit much at times. So I’m going to drop Blogger once again and do my public sharing on Prosebox.

And now some good news and that’s that Kobo published the first book I ever got published on Amazon!!! They even gave me an ISBN number and everything and the publication process was way easier than on Amazon. I totally believe without a doubt that Amazon wasn’t paying me for all my sales, especially since I’m far from the only one who has complained about that. Paul said to let him know how it goes on Kobo because he makes five times as much on Smashwords as he does on Amazon. Yeah, that’s because they’re not paying him fairly.

I might also branch out to other publishers as well like Smashwords and Lulu. I was on Smashwords a long time ago but then I pulled the book I had there off because we no longer had that bank account and I had other things going on at the time, so I wasn’t really focused much on that.

Had to resubmit my cover because I screwed up the design. With Amazon you would upload your cover and then on their site you would add text. With Kobo you need to design your images beforehand. So I’m picking images from free image sites and then overlaying the titles and my name and things like that before uploading them to the site.

The Wrong Sister will definitely be next. Those that have read this book tell me it’s my best yet so I’ll share the link once it’s available in their stores.

Got woken up once when the bud slipped and something loud zoomed by. Just 5 more years of having to jam things in my ear when I sleep, though, right?

Finally got a hold of someone and made an appointment to see Amy for a follow-up on August 14th. If all continues to go well, I’ll cancel the shrink for August 29th.

Got another precancerous spot on my chest most likely thanks to the bitch making me spend my summer days on the beach as a kid till she gave me up. Probably didn’t know this would happen, though. The woman wasn’t very bright and I don’t know if they understood the effects of sun exposure back in the ’60s and ’70s.

SUNDAY, JULY 7, 2019
The woman I thought was Kristy that Carolyn was pictured with that I asked about and didn’t receive an answer on wasn’t Kristy after all because she was tagged in other pictures by a different name.

Just for the hell of it, even though LG doesn’t let its users block numbers for some crazy reason, I tried the two numbers I found on ZabaSearch for Johnson but they were out of service.

Went to Goodwill earlier and found a couple of cute little fairies, but then accidentally dropped one, breaking off its arm so I didn’t get anything.

On the way back we stopped at a park near where we live that’s just past the golf course. I’ve been trying to think of places to go when I want to get out that don’t cost money and that wouldn’t have any tempting food we shouldn’t be having. So I thought, why not go to the park and enjoy the fresh air and swings? One is never too old for that, are they? But I don’t want to go play on the swings and slides with a bunch of screaming brats so we decided to go real early some morning, like maybe next weekend.

I suppose I shouldn’t be too surprised that Bob was in construction because until they get too old to really have a steady hand like he’s gotten to be, they make shitty neighbors. They’re always working on some loud, annoying project and always outdoors tinkering with things. Jesse was in construction and he was that way and then there was that contractor down the street who moved a few years ago. If you want to listen to power saws and hammering and other things, then a present or former contractor is a great one to have for a neighbor.

I was thinking about a dream I had in 1995 of my maternal grandmother telling me to pick new dreams and goals when I was all upset about not being able to have the kid I thought I wanted. Ever since then, I’ve wondered about the dream and if it could have been her reaching out to me from the other side. I don’t know, but there was just something about it. I just don’t know what it was. Maybe it was the way she said what she said. This was just days after she’d been dead for 9 years.

I don’t know if it meant anything or not, but if it was her, then it proves there’s no hell. If a woman could abuse her two kids into becoming abusers themselves and not make it to hell, then I’d say Tom and I have absolutely nothing to worry about. It would also show that our dead loved ones know everything that’s going on with us. Not sure I care about that one, but I definitely wouldn’t mind knowing there was no hell even though I would prefer to know there was absolutely nothing instead. I don’t want to be in any kind of afterlife. I want to just be dead when my body is clinically dead.

Last night I had a dream I was comforting a 48-year-old woman who started to suffer the effects of perimenopause. I’m so glad mine has gotten better! The hot flashes are tapering off and instead of having them throughout my entire day, they’re coming at the end of my day.

SATURDAY, JULY 6, 2019
Figured out how to deal with my end-of-the-day boredom. I’m gonna fill in the time walking. I’m going to walk an hour earlier in the day just in case I don’t get so bored later on. But since I usually do during my last 2-3 hours, I’ll walk and do puzzles and watch shows at that time.

After pulling my ebooks off Amazon’s shelf when I, along with other authors, was being ripped off by “faulty” devices, I decided to submit a manuscript to Kobo. So we’ll see what happens! It’s the weekend, so I don’t know if they’ll have any readers around to go through it.

Very saddened to learn my bestie is back in the hospital again with another infection, cramps, bleeding, etc. Guess they’re trying to treat it with steroids. Never heard of infections being treated with steroids before. Really sucks that she’d just gotten out of medical debt and that she has to continue to suffer. Like Tom, she rarely swears, so when she said she fucking hates this, I knew it was pretty bad. Meanwhile, certain people go on with their perfect health and I know I should just shut up and be happy for them but it’s hard not to want to scream and shout, “No fair!” Kim and her perfect little 300-pound life whose worst problem is getting caught doing things she’s not supposed to do.

Looked in on Molly and was surprised she hadn’t tweeted in a few days. I know her birthday was on the 1st and she mentioned her mother being sick which I have absolutely no sympathy for whatsoever. She’s usually pretty consistent so my guess is that she changed accounts yet again.

Christine asked where my blog was these days and said she missed it. Decided to keep PB FO and reopen Blogger. Anything private I’ll share with Tammy on Facebook. I’ll keep it mostly generic and mundane in case any doctors or neighbors or anything like that stumbles upon it.

Maybe it was a waste of time, but I decided to say hello to Palma last night who is now a vascular ultrasound student. She really does like a variety of careers! She picked up my message but hasn’t replied.

Decided to run Johnson through ZabaSearch and was surprised to get hits in both Tempe and Phoenix with her first initial on one said to be 54 years old. I have a feeling it’s her, too. But she’s only a year older? I would have thought she was three or four years older. There are numbers listed as well. Thought about calling, but what would I say? “Hey, Johnson, remember me? Do you still flirt with female inmates? Are you even still a jail cop?”

With a last name that common, I doubt I’ll find out her first name, and even if I did, it would still be way too common. Sometimes I wish I had a common name as well and that I was a Mary Smith or a Kathy Jones.

So far, it looks like I definitely was over-treating myself because I’ve been feeling better these last few days. Had a little burning yesterday but an Ibuprofen took care of that. It definitely helps to use the bidet every time I go as well. I can see why people like them no matter what. It really does keep you feeling fresher and cleaner. We’re thinking of getting bidets for both toilets. If we really like them we’ll get one with a dryer in the next place.

The new boyshorts are comfy with one small exception. The seam on the left hip digs into my flesh a little.

I usually get wings or legs when I get chicken but last time around I got thighs and checked out some videos on different ways of seasoning them. I’m going to make one up later on with minced onions and garlic powder. Made one with paprika last night and it was okay.

Had a dream I was doing jury duty although I don’t know what the case was for. Some guy who worked for the courts was scraping what looked like caked-on dirt off of a footstool or something like that because it was supposedly evidence.

When I look down at myself and realized I was in a sports bra and a pair of shorts, I not only didn’t think that was appropriate for court but I wanted to change in case I was interviewed on TV. It turns out I was in luck because I brought my clothes with me, LOL, so I picked out a simple tank dress.

In real life, I never do jury duty. I tell them I have no faith in the system and it’s true, too. When your freeloading neighbors use their detective friend to lie, trick, deceive and manipulate you in every way possible and then falsify evidence that turns your life upside down before you’re vindicated with NO compensation and Mr. Piggy is given the boot, what do you expect? Lots of love and trust? Hardly!

It isn’t just what happened to me personally. My case was far from unique. People get beaten up and railroaded by the pigs all the time. I don’t think most people realize that more often than not, they’re not our friends. Sure, there are some that truly want to protect and serve but most are in it for the power play aspect of it. I once read that most people who get into law enforcement have anger issues and they choose that field so they can act out their aggression. Makes them feel big and in control and all that shit.

FRIDAY, JULY 5, 2019
Derm’s office left a message saying Amy wants to do a follow-up in 4-6 weeks. Why didn’t she tell me that when we talked a couple of days ago?

Don’t know if a follow-up would do me any good. This is either going to go away on its own or it’s not. If it’s not, I don’t see what else they can do for it that they haven’t already tried. So rather than call them back today, I’m going to take a few days to think about it and weigh the pros and cons in my mind. If Tom didn’t have to take any time off to bring me there and it was free, then sure, why not? After all, I went to them for help so I should probably follow through.

On the flip side, he does have to take time off and it does cost money, and I think I’m out of options regardless of what it is. As she said, they can’t be a hundred percent sure.

Also, part of cutting down the appointments is to stop making them in the first place. Sometimes the best way to solve a problem is by inaction. This is something that doesn’t always let me ignore it, but sometimes, not doing anything is better than trying to continually try to figure out how to fix something. I’d only have some other problem if it wasn’t this and that could be worse. If this does go away, I’m sure I’ll be replaced with some new long-term problem at some point. You know it always seems to be one thing or another and it’s always long-term. It’s never for just a few weeks or months.

For now, I’m taking her advice by changing undies throughout the day but every few hours is a bit extreme, so I decided 3 times is enough. After my shower at the beginning of my day, in the middle of my day, and before bed. I was having Alexa remind me 4 hours after taking my Levothyroxine to take my vitamins. Bumped that up to 8 hours so it falls in the middle of my day and that’s when I’ll change undies. This way I can do two things at once and will be less likely to forget.

Had mild burning at the end of yesterday and a little today, too. Using the bidet every time I pee instead of just once or twice a day. Tom’s guess is that after a couple of weeks without over-treating it, it will improve and eventually go away on its own. I hope so but my only concern is how long it’s been going on. Remember, I also have a little on my armpits. One pit doesn’t have any but the other has maybe one or two little red spots of irritation.

I racked my brain trying to think of all the different things that could be irritating me and another possibility, even though it doesn’t seem likely, is my shampoo. So now I’m making a point of leaning back when I rinse my hair and squeezing my legs together. That way any soap that does hit my body is going to hit my backside.

Definitely hope the dream I had is a sign that yes, I found the off switch to my anxiety! I don’t know where I was living, but in the dream, I had gotten up not too long ago and realized I forgot to weigh in. I started to tell myself it didn’t matter because I was never going to lose weight anyway. But then I said to myself no, I’m going to weigh myself. I figured out how to stop my anxiety and now I’m going to figure out how to lose weight.

In reality, there’s nothing to “figure out,” though. I’d have to have 1000 calories a day indefinitely to maybe lose weight and I can’t live that way. That’s just not enough food.

In another dream, Aly and I were somewhere outdoors lying on these couches that were facing each other, watching a large-screen TV. In order to forward past the commercials, you had to clap your hands or tap the ground. I was “clapping” through a commercial when Larry suddenly showed up and started tickling me playfully, making me laugh like a little kid.

Then there was some dream about trying to hold my schedule for a job and I was falling asleep, exhausted.

Lastly, I had a dream I was in a small room. I don’t know if it was a room in a building or a stand-alone place but it almost looked like a small studio apartment. There was a tiny kitchenette and a small room with a twin bed. The room’s only door was a slider and it was opened to allow in a beautiful breeze. I stepped outside which I knew to be the back of the place where a cat stood and gazed around me. I wasn’t in the city. I was somewhere in the midst of a countryside with lush rolling hills. The neighboring house was about 100 feet away if not slightly more.

Because the studio had no bathroom, I walked over to an outhouse that was about 30 feet away. I was disappointed to find that its wooden walls were gone and it now had these thin canvas-like curtains surrounding it.

I looked over at the neighboring property. My place was on the top of a hill. The land sloped down into a little valley and then rose again to where the neighbor’s place stood on top of their own hill. I saw a guy in his twenties to early thirties in a tux walking around the place. If he were a little further away I wouldn’t be able to tell he was wearing silver-rimmed glasses.

The land in back of the places also sloped downward and up onto other properties. I don’t know who was behind me but behind the neighboring property, I could see a house that was three or four hundred feet away.

Finally, I decided I wasn’t going to bother to pee because I didn’t think I had enough privacy with just the flimsy curtains billowing in the breeze.

THURSDAY, JULY 4, 2019
Dear contest throwers: You have congratulated me on 5 complete strangers’ wins this week (as if I had anything to do with them winning) and spammed the shit outa me. So, I think it’s time to take a break from sweeping for a while.

I was surprised to get such good news from Amy yesterday that I was practically in tears of joy! I do NOT have LS!!! No cancer or fungus of any kind was found either. Instead, they think it’s some kind of contact irritation. She said they can’t be a hundred percent sure, but she’s going to have the path report mailed to me.

When I asked her if it was okay to use a dab of hydrocortisone every other day, she said absolutely and that would actually help it. Less is better, she also said. Tom thinks I might have really had LS or something but that the kickass steroid cream my GYN first gave me killed whatever it was and that because I wasn’t a hundred percent better right away, I’ve been over-treating it ever since which is prolonging the irritation. I hope they’re both right and that this too shall pass!

For now, she’s recommended I wear all-cotton undies only and that I change them a few times a day, so even though I already have about 8 pairs, I jumped on Amazon and got a 12-pack of boyshorts. No more thongs for a while, especially ones that are satiny or made of nylon and other non-cotton materials.

I looked at my size 8 Fruit of the Looms which are not only too big on me but they’re 60% cotton and 40% polyester, so forget those. Size 7 fits me better, so I’m wearing the Fruit of the Loom boyshorts in that size, and I also have some by Hanes. I was never sure which one I liked better, so since I couldn’t make up my mind, I got both brands. The ones coming Friday are by Alyce.

She also recommended sticking with Free & Clear detergent and I ditched my feminine spray as well.

The only thing that doesn’t make sense is how long it’s been going on, which for the most part, has been ever since we came to this damn place. I swear it’s like this house has been nothing but a physical curse on me!

Wouldn’t it be too damn awesome if all in the same year I solved this problem, figured out the main triggers of my anxiety, and hit menopause? Sounds too good to be true!

I was surprised by a message from Christine yesterday as well. She said some former neighbor with a foot fetish had been stalking her and that’s why she hadn’t been on Facebook. She figured that staying away would drive the pervert away. Why she would go to such extremes is beyond me, though. Why not just block the person and go private? Why would you have to not use Facebook? That’s what I’d do anyway if I didn’t arrange to meet the person and tear them apart limb by limb.

Watched the parade with Bob and Virginia and finally learned what Bob did before he retired. I was surprised, too. I thought maybe he had been some kind of lawyer or something like that but he was in commercial construction.

Virginia raised 4 kids. Wow! Didn’t know they had that many. But that’s what women did back in her time. I am so, SO glad I wasn’t in my 20s in the 50s or 60s so I wouldn’t have to deal with being pressured to have any. Dealing with judgments and cutdowns for not driving due to my driving phobia and not working outside of the house due to a sleep disorder that’s totally out of my control was enough, but I eventually stopped dealing with it. Really, I won’t put up with that kind of shit. The older I get, the less tolerant I become. As soon as I hear any cracks about who or how I am, I’m gone! Yeah, nothing like accepting yourself as you are even if you don’t always like it while the rest of the world just can’t deal with it, LOL.

I should be up tonight for the fireworks at the lake. I’m not going to go down to the lake but I should be able to see some of them from outside.

After the parade, we ran out to Rite Aid where I got some shiny dangly earrings for the doll as well as a better set of toenails for her because they’re very sticky, don’t need to be glued on, and are a better size.

We also got some treats and I got a jar of polish remover.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 3, 2019
This cock not sleeping here while living here really gets to me at times. The little punk was in for an hour in the early afternoon and then came back from five to nine. Again, who the hell needs to see their parents every single fucking day? It’s like they want to annoy the neighborhood.

The urge to send an anonymous email to the office is there at times but I not only know it wouldn’t do me any good other than to vent but now I’m afraid to. if they figure out who I am, if they haven’t already, they’ll only spite us for it. Once again, just got to suck it up.

Kim found Hula Dancer. Damn! My last entry wasn’t even on the front page when she hit it so I don’t know how the hell she found it unless she was browsing through the pages of entries. There really is no hiding in public but Kim is dumb. So hopefully she didn’t put two-and-two together because then she may alert Aly to that account. I still don’t know that Aly isn’t having her search for me, copy and paste things for her, or somehow hacking into me.

Read an article about Ask users being redirected to scams and something about users being open to hackers. That may explain how Aly knew I asked certain questions she couldn’t otherwise know. There’s being smart and then there’s being smart. Aly always seems to know too much and I would be willing to bet that she knows a hell of a lot more about me, past and present, than I even realize. I don’t know how one can successfully hack that many accounts or possibly even my entire computer without Norton catching on or any other kind of alert built into certain sites like Facebook being triggered, but she’s got to be hacking some things because I just don’t see how else she could know so much.

I saw on Ask’s Twitter account that people are still complaining about the redirects. I still say Ask is deliberately redirecting people to cut down its users. Their servers are probably overwhelmed or something like that but they obviously have no intentions of fixing things if the last complaint was only days ago. I’ll stick to Curious Cat, dead or not.

I’m not going to ditch Hula Dancer but I’m going to make sure I definitely don’t mention Aly and Kim or use real names.

I would really love to be able to read Aly and Kim’s messages to each other. I’ll bet that would be quite enlightening and interesting!

Aly got home yesterday but all she did was sleep, she just told me. I’ll bet! She’s been in a lot of pain but says it’s getting a little easier. Meanwhile, 300lb Kim goes on with her perfectly healthy life.

I blocked every account of Kim and Aly’s that I know of from Hula Dancer, even though I know they can turn around and create new ones. I’m curious to see if Kim keeps returning.

My NaNo project is coming along well so far. I just wish I would stop getting this end-of-the-day boredom I often get. I have been struggling for the longest time to think of something other than the things I usually do every day to fill those final hours of my day when I find myself bored. It’s just that I’m 53 and not 8. I don’t find things new and exciting because I simply don’t see through the eyes of a child as I sometimes wish I did. If there’s anything I miss about being a kid, besides believing the adults knew it all, it was that I could really make things seem real. Playing pretend was so believable in ways that are just so silly and even kind of embarrassing at this age.

I have been looking for games that are similar to Sims that simulate real life but that aren’t so complex and damn near impossible to figure out. I just don’t know what else I can do but randomly wander around YouTube. I don’t want to join other chat or social sites. I don’t want to flirt with anyone. I don’t want to play games against others. I don’t know what I want to do. I just know there’s only so much writing I can do and so many puzzles I can do and things like that. If I do something too often, it will get boring.

Anyway, I’m now at the halfway point of the medication experiment. It’s still too soon to say anything for sure either way, and we may never know all the factors that caused my anxiety. I’m still going with perimenopause, medication brands and doses. Right now it’s looking good but it’s still too soon to know anything for sure. If I can get to August without anxiety, then the door to the mystery of what caused at least some of the anxiety will then be open a crack. It will be halfway open if I can make it to September and wide open if I can make it to October. Only then can I assume that yes, brands and dosages probably did have something to do with it.

TUESDAY, JULY 2, 2019
While some claims of racism are totally true and honest, I still believe the vast majority of them these days are either intentionally made up or seen in places where it simply doesn’t exist. I think society has become so brainwashed and so obsessed with focusing on the damn subject that they’ve become paranoid to the point that they’re reading things in that aren’t there. I’m still so fucking sick of hearing about it!!! When oh when can we obsess about something else for a change? Hell, obsessing about cockroaches would be a breath of fresh air!

Bastard just came in. His schedule is still unpredictable. All I know is that no one should need to see their parents every day, especially one that young. Shouldn’t he be working during the week and enjoying his youth on weekends at clubs, with friends, or at least a fuck buddy if not a GF?

Starting to wonder if they’re having him come in multiple times a day to spite the neighborhood since they know damn well that at least two of us have complained. Two households, I mean. So many people are like that, though. You complain about them doing something and they do it even more. Again, I could really kick myself for bothering to complain. People simply expect to do what they want to do no matter what and I should have learned to accept this years ago. There’s always going to be shit going on in the world we don’t like and that we can never change no matter what we try to do about it. We can’t simply complain away life’s annoyances and the world’s problems. Just got to suck it up. We won’t be here forever. Of course, we’ll just be listening to someone else wherever we go, but that’s just life.

The little shit came in at 3:30 yesterday afternoon and left two hours later. I knew two hours with its mommy and daddy would never be enough for it, and sure enough, I’m pretty sure I heard it come back in as I was settling into bed. The question is how it left without waking me up since I didn’t use the bud.

Aly had the fibroids removed and spent the night in the hospital. Found a message when I got up saying she had a horrible night with lots of pain and bleeding and wasn’t sure if she would be discharged today. Haven’t heard anything since then, so I don’t know what’s going on with her.

Sent Alyssa another message yesterday with my life story. I’m still in my childhood. Even if she never reads them, I still do like to write so it’s a fun way to fill in those moments of boredom I sometimes get. Maybe in 10-20 years, I’ll be surprised with an actual reply but I certainly won’t count on it.

Chapter 2 of my book Gone (I still don’t know if I like that title) is now over 2K words. I changed some character names earlier.

Tom doesn’t think Ralph’s place will go to a flipper because they’re asking $130,000 for it.

Got the silicone pot and dish scrubbers and they work great! I use them mostly for pots. Love all the different colors as well… Pink, purple, yellow, blue, orange, green and red. Wish I had these in the trailer! Love how they can be washed in the dishwasher too, and how they won’t get smelly the way sponges and washcloths do.

I’m still waiting on a call back from my dermatologist’s office. How long can it possibly take to analyze a piece of pussy?

MONDAY, JULY 1, 2019
It’s CampNaNoWriMo day! But first, I’ll update this journal.

Yesterday morning we went to Walmart which was a pain in the ass as usual. Music was blasting, the place got crowded fast, and no one would give us service when requesting vodka. They keep their hard liquors locked up, but pressing the button for help didn’t do us any good and neither did actually going and getting anyone, so I put the OJ back that I was going to make caramel screwdrivers with and grabbed a 1.5-liter bottle of Barefoot Merlot instead.

It was shortly after this that I learned that unopened wine only lasts 3 to 5 days in the fridge. Therefore, since I only have one drink a day, I’m going to cook with some of it and make a Merlot burger.

Did a small online order and if they don’t have the caramel vodka, I’ll go to a liquor store. Had to get some fungal cream anyway, which we couldn’t find in the store. So hopefully I’ll have those things at the end of the day, plus a few TV dinners for variety that I really shouldn’t have. I put back the few pounds I lost after binging for a few days but I know I can lose that much, so I’m not worried about it. I’ll lose it during the week.

We were going to change the privacy window cling in the laundry room from prisms to what looks like a stained-glass window with blue flowers, but I ordered the wrong size. Maybe I’ll find a use for it elsewhere.

I’m back to using the fleece liners for the pigs because the other stuff really didn’t absorb odors well at all. I’m still glad I found it because I can use it for the rats.

Entered about 100 sweeps that expired at the end of last month. No win dreams. I’m probably going to hang it up for a while because they simply take it as an invitation to spam people and I hate getting other people’s win notices, so I’ll be going around and unsubscribing from everything if I don’t get a win notice this week.

In about an hour or so, I’ll call to see if my biopsy results are in, but again, I’m not expecting to hear anything I want to hear. I’m not going to hear, “Hey guess what? It’s not LS! And it’s simple to cure.”

No, I’m going to be confirmed that it is LS and there’s nothing I can do about it that I haven’t already tried. It’s just something I’m going to have to suffer with on and off for the rest of my life.