April 2019 in 2010s

TUESDAY, APRIL 30, 2019
“I will remember and recover, not forgive and forget.”

Awesome meme I just shared on FB.

The girls read my message but are in ignore mode. No problem. :) Now I don’t have to worry about them coming between Tammy and I. As I would tell anyone, though, once you walk out of my life you don’t get to come back.

They really are a couple of conceited, narcissistic, selfish bitches showing their true colors. I would tell them so if it weren’t for Tammy, not that they could see, understand, accept and admit their faults. They’re very Kim. In other words, they can do no wrong and the world must revolve around them and them only at all times.

Following my discussion with Tammy, I really got to missing country living big time. I got to thinking of the reasons one of us or both of us may like Florida or not like it. I thought of the pros and cons of remaining in some type of community vs going rural, as well as cold vs warm climates. My heart is in the country but my reality is the city, like it or not.

The climate I really want to live in is Hawaii but there’s no way we could ever afford that. Remaining in the city is definitely more convenient but damn do I get sick of the constant noise, used to it or not. I miss the peace, space and open skies.

It’s quiet now but at 1 a.m. I was hearing a symphony of sirens, helicopters and small planes. Anything could erupt at any minute. It just gets so old. I have never lived anywhere this noisy. Ever. I used to think Jesse’s mutts were absolutely horrible and while they were definitely plenty bad enough in themselves, I would take that back over this shit in a heartbeat because that would be simple enough to drown out with sound machines. I just miss having to deal with one or two sources of noise instead of a million.

I wish there was a way to know in advance how we might like or not like any particular climate or place but there’s no way to know this. I only know for sure that I would hate to be back in a climate like Klamath Falls or smack dab in the middle of Los Angeles or New York City.

We’ve really got to choose where we settle wisely because I don’t know that we could afford to get back out. Tammy and Mark are going to have a lot more money than we’ll have. That’s the impression I get anyway.

I do worry about the humidity and the bugs and possibly losing our place to a hurricane. I also wonder just how often thunderstorms may wake me up when I have issues sleeping so much of the time as it is. Motorcycles are even worse of a problem there than here and I have a feeling loud car stereos would be as well.

But maybe we would just love it so much in Florida that we wouldn’t mind the humidity and the bugs because we would always have AC and we could really bomb the place well. We just can’t know.

If after a few years of living in Ohio, Tammy loved it as much as she’s sure she’s going to - remember, life isn’t usually what we plan it to be as Florida showed her and Cali showed me - even if we could afford to get our own place on an acre or two, assuming that land wouldn’t be left and its natural state, Tom would have to mow the grass or whatever was around the place and I know he would hate that. I don’t think we could afford to hire anyone like they’re likely going to for their place.

I like that you could still have high-speed internet and not have to drive nearly an hour to civilization for shopping and things like that but I just don’t know if we should consider rural in any climate.

I also don’t know that I would like living so close to Tammy. Would she bug us a lot? Or no? There’s no way to know without actually living near her.

I just hate the fact that it’s basically a toss of a coin wherever we go. We’re either going to be happy there or not. It may not be 100% perfect and it may not be 100% bad but we can’t know what side of the coin will be leaning on until we get there and experience it. Also, things change. Tammy started off happy in her park until things went downhill. I can relate! Every single place I’ve ever lived in got progressively noisy whether it started off just a little noisy or more than just a little.

I can just imagine what our mother would say if the bitch was still alive. “I told you. I told you both to stay in the country.”

I remember before she died telling her that we were looking into an adult community and expected her to say something like, “Oh, good for you.” Instead, I was first greeted with silence. A disapproving kind of silence. Then, “I don’t think that’s right for you.”

Yeah, bitch, you were right on that one. But it’s what’s feasible for an aging couple that isn’t very sociable with people regularly looking in on us or that we could just dial up if we needed anything.

I love summer because I prefer to be sleeveless and barefoot but it also makes sleeping and working out hard.

If we were in a colder climate, working out and sleeping would be easier and it would likely make things quieter as well. But then it’d be back to long sleeves, bulky robes, coats, scarves, slippers, socks, etc.

So I see the potential good and bad in all the various possibilities.

I warned Tammy that excessive barking and loose dogs have always been an issue in rural areas for us but she’s sure they won’t be an issue there. People do tend to see dogs as pets in the east rather than live outdoor decor that you have to provide food and water for, but still, I know how noise-cursed I am in general. The house closest to us would leave the barking mutts outside round the clock. They would have the wild kids out screaming and maybe sometimes coming onto our land. We would get the neighbor with the loud car stereo and if I could hear music and dogs on a 10-acre parcel, we’d certainly hear it on a smaller parcel. Sounds travel, especially out in the country, and car stereos travel nearly half a mile no matter where you are. Plus, you have hunters and dirt bikes.

So as much as I yearn for the country so much of the time, this is what I’m used to and this is where I’ll stay. We’ll move to Florida and we’ll either like it or we won’t, and just like with this place, we’ll deal with whatever we don’t like. There is no perfect place and if there’s anyplace close, I’m not meant to be in it.

I also told myself that if I went to a place like Ohio, I would have to spend so much of the time cooped up indoors if it was cold and rainy a lot of the time but then we would probably be cooped up in Florida as well due to the heat and humidity. It’s not like we would spend all day at the pool or the beach anyway. So it does seem that all climates and whether or not you’re in the country or the city definitely have their pros and cons.

Later…

Coincidentally or not, the commercial planes have been quiet since I complained. Guess they’re back in north flow and hopefully they’ll stay that way for a while.

St. Martins. That was the country Tammy was considering. I knew she had told me about a year ago but couldn’t remember which country until I asked her yesterday. They decided against it, though, because it would be just as humid there. I pointed out that summers in Ohio would be humid too, but as she said it would only be for a few months a year and not seven or eight months like in Florida.

When Alexa told me the temperature would only be two degrees warmer at 8 as opposed to just after 3 when Tom was up and available to go walking with me, I suggested we go then because that way I wouldn’t have to deal with loud landscaping, traffic, dog walkers and all the other shit you get in the daytime here. Well, it’s a good thing I suggested we go then because he had scheduled the car to charge at a certain time and it didn’t because he screwed up the scheduling. He’s using an app now that is better and found a nearby charging station for if the charging cord were to crap out before we get a backup.

We took the car to a car wash on Sunday but not the kind you drive through. You do it yourself with high-power hoses and dryers and it’s open 24 hours a day.

We went to Rite Aid as well where I decided to try Barefoot Pinot Grigio and their Chardonnay. Not much difference really. For the most part, wine is wine. But I do prefer Rosé and Merlot. Picked up a case of Strawberita as well. Yes, I could do without it, but I do like those end-of-the-day drinks when I go to wind down.

OJ will never be the same again without caramel Vodka added to it. That much I can say for sure! My homemade caramel screwdrivers are divine.

Kind of funny how I’ve gone from almost never drinking to drinking nearly every day but I guess everyone has their vice and it’s only one drink. It used to be coffee and tea but now I don’t have much of that, especially in warmer weather.

It’s not going to be that warm today. It’s only to get to 70° and all the way down to 47° tonight which sucks. It’s pretty windy out there now, too. At least it’s better for sleeping and exercise.

I called to make an appointment with a new shrink and at first I was given one for the first. But not only do we not want to drive all the way to South Sacramento, the guy, who seems to have recently come from Michigan, is Indian. Nothing against them but I’m tired of having to deal with hard-to-understand accents. He also has a couple of negative reviews but I realize every doctor is going to get at least a few because no one can please everybody. Hell, Dr. O has some negative reviews about the way she can come off as condescending, bitchy and stern. They’re right, though, LOL, even though the last couple of times I saw her she was very nice and she’s a great doctor.

Anyway, I was able to keep my appointment with the lady shrink in late September but hopefully by then I’ll be breaking records with the anxiety and just a couple of weeks from being officially menopausal. Really don’t think medication is the answer right now or that it will do me much good with the way benzos stop working and SSRIs make me want to kill myself.

Yesterday marks 3 weeks without anxiety on the lower dose but the real test won’t begin until and if I can surpass 8 weeks. If I can stay calm that long, that will be a bit encouraging but I really have to get past 4 months in order to really start seeing a serious ray of hope. I can definitely say that my overall mood has improved tremendously.

The rats and pigs were out for a little over a half-hour. Blitz seems less bothered by the rats than Rockefeller. The pigs are spit bath whores and want to clean everyone and anything they can. But apparently, Rockefeller doesn’t appreciate being given a bath so he sometimes bonks them with his nose or kicks at them which in turn starts the rats’ sideling show. LOL, yeah, the pigs are kickboxers and the rats are sidelingers. So after a few bonks, kicks and then finally the teeth chattering, I pulled Rockefeller out and left just Blitz to hang with Fuzzy and Woody. I can tell the rats aren’t afraid of the pigs or else they would avoid them. But Rockefeller can definitely do without them.

Didn’t hear the loud car while I was up but as I was going to bed and turned on the sound machine I did hear some loud things going by but I can’t say for sure what they were. I may never live anyplace too peaceful but OMG, get me off of this busy street and just let me be able to sleep without earbuds hissing white noise at me. Well, I think this one is brown noise but still…

I’m pleased to hear that they’re hoping to eliminate the bail system here in California. As he and I both agree, this shouldn’t be allowed because this only gives rich people a chance to get a break that others can’t and that’s definitely not fair. There’s already enough unfairness in the legal system as it is.

What I also think they should start doing is paying back those found innocent who have done time. After I was vindicated, I received zero compensation. How fucking fair is that?

Loud car just came roaring in at 6:30 AM. Okay, I’m calling the office when they open. I’ve had enough!

Wished Christiane a happy birthday yesterday and she thanked me. How much you want to bet she won’t remember my birthday?

Being on opposite schedules, I haven’t heard much from Aly. I’m hoping she’s been feeling okay and that everything’s been better on the home front. So many blacks are such thugs that they really ruin it for the few good ones who are hard-working and law-abiding.

MONDAY, APRIL 29, 2019
Oh, what interesting messages came in while I slept.

First, Tammy called wanting to work things out and saying she loves and misses me and has good news. Honestly, I’m not surprised. Our relationship as sisters has always been important to her and I do miss her too. It’s her narcissistic, selfish and often dramatic brats I wish she didn’t have around to complicate things. I love my nieces but I don’t like them. I’ll call her after she sees my FB message. Knew she wasn’t dying, though.

Next up was a call from Mercy (on a Sunday?) asking if I’d like an earlier appointment with the new shrink. It’s a he but I wasn’t impressed with the she doc, so not sure it matters so long as I can understand whatever foreign accent they’re likely to have. I don’t mind seeing him. I’m just not sure anyone can help. It’s also way too soon to know if it’s a dose issue, menopause, etc.

Lastly, I asked the Twenties if they knew anything about the punk with the loud car who’s back to living here but not sleeping here and that’s been coming and going twice a day. Carolyn said they have no clue, they’re just as frustrated, and I can fill out a complaint form at the office.

Yeah, I could, but we all know the office isn’t going to do shit. They just don’t do much to enforce rules here and I think these assholes see that, know they’re not going to get kicked out, and so he’s slowly moving his lazy ass back in. Might as well. Coming and going twice a day is enough like him living here, anyway.

After sending Tammy a message I listened/read her VM again and realized she said she had “big” news, not “good” news. If it’s not health-related, could one of the girls be expecting? Getting married? Both? Still think Becky’s gay and would be a bit surprised since they’ve always seemed very “modern.” Work comes first and foremost. But that could very well count as big news. My first guess would be Lisa since she’s 36 now and has been in long-term relationships before. Second would be Sarah, but overly tall, wide, aggressive women don’t win too many hearts over so easily. Living with your sister till you’re pushing 30 kind of tells me something right there, though these days it’s very common to marry later in life if you ever do at all. In 20 years from now, a 53-year-old who’s been married for nearly 25 years won’t be very common.

IDK, maybe they obtained a bunch of money somehow or are going to move to another country. I think it’s connected to her health or the girls, though. Should find out soon enough!

Now I just gotta hope Etta never tells them I contacted her. Eh, I’m not too worried about it.

She gets up early so she could be picking my message up anytime now since it’s almost 6am in Florida.

Later…

I’m getting a little tired because it’s been a long and busy day but I thought I would get some updating done now. If I have to finish this entry tomorrow, I will.

Tammy’s big news was definitely not at all what I expected. It was health-related but it’s what she’s going to do on account of it that surprises me.

She started off by telling me she’s been through hell with her sarcoidosis and fibromyalgia and how the constant heat and humidity there have been making things worse. Plus, she’s got allergies that don’t respond to nasal spray or anything. Mark had also become very depressed and she feels bad because moving to Florida was her dream. He went from making $27 an hour to $12 an hour and they’ve both suffered so much ever since they moved there nearly half a decade ago. Well, they’ve had enough and they’re going to move.

When I asked where they were going to move to she shocked the shit out of me and said Ohio. The Columbus area where my cyber friend Christine lives.

Not only does Mark’s brother Paul live there but at the men’s retreat he sometimes goes to, he became close friends with a guy named Dave. Dave lives in Ohio as well and told him all about these wonderful places there and a lot about the area. He’s offered Mark a job doing home construction and remodeling like he used to do in Connecticut. Mark just isn’t the type to sit at home all day despite being 68.

So Mark is there right now and is really impressed with what he’s seeing and learning about the place. It’s even cheaper than Florida there.

“But do you really want to go back to cold and snow?” I ask Tammy, knowing how much she always hated that.

She says that the area they’re thinking of getting one or two acres of land on is in a valley. Therefore, while they do get cold and they do get snow, they get a lot more rain than snow. She said they only really get a few inches of snow a year there.

She is also getting a taste of what I’m getting here. They’ve gone through 4 managers in her park and things have really gone downhill in a lot of ways. It’s become noisier to the point where she can now understand what I’m going through with people sitting there revving motorcycles and shit like that.

She was telling the manager about her plans to put signs up to sell her house which they want to do themselves rather than go through Zillow or anything like that, and the manager said something about her not being able to put signposts on her grass, even though she intends to put them in the lanai window. Then Tammy said, “What grass? You mean the grass that we pay for every month?”

She’s also had problems with some of the people there. She didn’t get into every single thing but Connie, a deaf 85-year-old, suffers from serious dementia. The woman has come over in her nightgown screaming at her at 1:30 in the morning and even her son who was living with her got so fed up that he left. She said the woman refuses to take medication or let anyone help her and there was some concern about her starting a fire using her oven and stuff like that.

Left with no choice, she called the cops on her during one of her screaming fits, and the cop was telling her son, “Hey, you can’t leave her alone in this condition.”

Tammy hated to do it, she said, but she got a two-year order of trespassing against the woman and was told to take her picture and call the police if she comes over screaming at her again.

Then she was at the pool one day and could clearly hear other neighbors talking about her and saying how she was yelling at this poor old lady. Tammy was upset and told them, “She’s deaf! I had to yell because it was the only way she could hear me.”

I told her that I do miss rural living as well but that we’re getting too old for that, especially with no family around.

“You have family,” she told me. Yeah, but not in the same town.

I totally believe that where there are people, there’s noise. Rural living may not be perfect but I do miss many aspects of it. Where she’s going to be isn’t so far away from civilization. From the way she made it sound, they can still get high-speed internet and they don’t have to rely on a well either.

Makes me wish even more that I was oblivious to cold climates if it’s even cheaper than Florida and you can get an acre or two with a house that’s fairly new for the 130K she says you can.

It’s tough cuz everything seems to have its pros and cons. I don’t mind rain but I don’t like cold/snow. I do worry about how the Florida humidity may affect me, though, plus there are bugs, gators and hurricanes to worry about. We’re still a long way from deciding anything, though.

Can’t wait to see how things go for her after she’s been there a while. She says the hardest thing will be leaving the girls who are going to remain in Florida for now but says it will be cheap enough to fly them to visit.

Tammy rambled on and on mostly about herself, as usual, but that’s just Tammy, LOL. Definitely missed our chats even though I prefer to keep in touch more on Facebook as I’m a very digital person compared to her. Missed sharing things with her, though. So it’s nice to be back in touch again.

She also had to get rid of Hunter because he was attacking people. He was part Chihuahua and part rat terrier. There was no change in him even after 8 weeks of training so he had to be returned. She now has a dog named Bella. She’s a Chihuahua and very loving and quiet. I didn’t hear a thing when we were talking. The other dog used to bark non-stop and it was very annoying.

I updated her on things like the Liothyronine experiment, our new pets, new car, etc.

I scrolled through her wall and she posted an article on Lady Gaga announcing that she too, has fibromyalgia, and we were both pretty disgusted by some of the ignorant comments she got. You can’t just “not let it get to you” or “move on” or “take Ibuprofen.” I have been met with the same ignorance regarding my circadian rhythm disorder. “Just set your alarm and get up at the same time every day.” Like, gee, I couldn’t have thought of that one on my own if that was possible? But yeah, I’m lazy and making excuses, according to some people. Amazing how many people think they have this power over you they don’t have. Like I would have to be afraid they would spank me or something if the truth really was that I was lazy and dared to say so? rolls eyes

Not only is Tammy the same chatty person who’s hard to get a word in edgewise, but she’s also still emotional, LOL. She was telling me that they threw Mark a farewell party at the nursing home he was working at and got all emotional because it was really nice. They were both emotional and very touched by the generous gesture. It sounds like it was wonderful from what she told me.

We ended up talking for 1 hour and 11 minutes and she didn’t say anything about Lisa other than that she’s spotted a gator during one of her visits and ran from the pool freaking out. Becky is working at Publix now and Sarah left Sears and is now with Ross.

I sent Becky and Sarah a message and while it appears that Becky saw it, she hasn’t replied. Don’t know if she’s just busy or if she’s gone Lisa on me but if she has, that would certainly make things easier. It’s other people that complicate things. I think I could get along with Tammy alone just fine. It’s others that sometimes get in the way and come between us.

She claimed to have no memory of the girls calling me out on some of my posts and I totally believe her because I know that she has way worse memory issues than I do. Her condition is worse than mine, it affects the memory worse than mine can, and she’s older.

But yeah, I almost wish none of the girls would want anything to do with me. It would just be so much easier that way.

SUNDAY, APRIL 28, 2019
My keyboard is dead and Aly is back to creating new accounts in which to spy on me. I just don’t understand what the hell she’s doing this for. Just what is it she’s hoping to see?

I blocked her, and if I’m right about that being her, I wonder if that was a mistake because sooner or later she’s going to catch on that I know she’s watching me and then blocking her and this may make her more suspicious. It isn’t that I want to hide anything from her. I don’t know what it is. I just know I don’t want her looking in on me or else I wouldn’t bother sharing via email. I guess that’s it, anyway. Her determination is annoying and making me a bit uncomfortable. I suppose I should be flattered but I don’t know that she’s so determined to check me out simply because she likes my writing or anything like that. I think she’s paranoid or suspicious for some reason and is seeing if she can catch me saying something I shouldn’t say. Oh, I’ve said plenty of things I shouldn’t say but I keep that private. She can read the whole story when I’m dead. She won’t like it, but she can read it.

In regards to that 10-year-old kid Linzee that was expelled, Aly insists she was being put down by teachers and students alike and that’s why she was lashing out and her parents aren’t fighting the expulsion.

Here’s another thing she won’t find me saying in public and that’s that apparently Nebraska is the only state left that has a problem with blacks because she and Cam are being harassed by neighbors who have supposedly done the same thing to some Asians that were living in the area. They egged Cam’s BMW, trampled some tulips that were planted by the previous owner, and gave her hell about leaving the dog out to bark.

They got cameras so hopefully they’ll catch the culprits since it’s unlikely they’re going to simply give up and decide to leave them alone.

Cam’s brother says it’s looking like the mice problem has been solved so hopefully they can return home. For now, she says they’re not running and will be there until October.

Mary F, who I believe is Nissan’s sister based on her bio and appearance, sent a message yesterday asking if she knew me since I’m showing up on her Messenger. I explained to her that once contact is established, you’re automatically connected on Messenger. I don’t know why that is but as I told her, she could just go ahead and block me if she wanted to.

Then I couldn’t resist fucking with her by saying she was on my friend list all of a sudden and so was Nissan. I knew she would run and tell Nissan who would automatically freak out. I blocked Mary after she blocked me and then I blocked all three of Nissan’s accounts. LOL

Tom fixed my favorite windchime and successfully blocked the rats from getting behind the dishwasher and fridge with blocks of foam. Well, more like styrofoam. They were out for a while and then Woody surprised me by going home on his own. They spend most of the time out piggy peeping, haha.

SATURDAY, APRIL 27, 2019
I was watching a documentary on the Pam Smart case. I’m familiar with the case but I watch a lot of true crime stuff anyway. Funny how the condo she had her husband killed in was 4E. I’ve always found the number 4 to be very unlucky, as is a popular belief amongst Asians.

I was thinking about the medication/anxiety experiment I’m doing and while it’s still way too soon to know if this is going to tell me anything new, I can’t help but wonder about some things. If there really is anything up there that plans what happens to us, it’s almost like something wants me to be hypo. If that’s the case, why? What benefit do I get by remaining hypo? Or better yet, what punishment is there in it? To keep me fat? Only problem is that while I would be healthier if I was thinner, I don’t see being fat as a “punishment” because I’m not as self-conscious as a lot of people. I accept myself as I am…a typical older, warm-blooded creature. Besides, suddenly having normal thyroid numbers doesn’t mean I would drop weight. Look at how many older people are fat. They don’t all have bum thyroids.

I should be out in this beautiful weather walking right now but I’m being lazy tonight. I’ll be doing my walking through stores in the morning if that counts. At least it’s by choice and I’m not forced to lay low because I’m tired.

The planes were quiet yesterday morning and I haven’t heard much tonight, so yeah, I like them in the south flow they say they’re in 70% of the year.

Whatever was keeping the punk with the loud car away for those weeks is done and over with and they’re back to their daily visits. They seem to be coming in twice a day and basically living here without sleeping here. I still get the impression they can’t hold a job and are mooching off their enabling parents. Punk hadn’t even been gone 12 hours before I heard it come roaring in this morning as I was reading myself to sleep.

FRIDAY, APRIL 26, 2019
Along with a vision that Trump will NOT be reelected (yay), this is the first time I actually got a reply in regards to my airplane complaint. They said: We have been in North Flow for the past several days. Your location receives more frequent overflight by aircraft departing from SMF when we are in North Flow.

I looked at the flight maps and I can see where they would go over Citrus Heights when in a northerly flow. When they’re in a southerly flow that makes the nighttime bad yet it appears they don’t go over Citrus Heights at all when they’re in a southerly flow, at least according to their map. I can see where Natomas would get slammed no matter what. So glad we didn’t end up there!

What the hell was that metallic rattle I just heard? In the heater? The vents? Whatever that was that made the sound was likely bigger than a mouse.

Anyway, all I know is that before last September the planes weren’t a problem. Why can’t they go back to flying wherever the hell it was they were flying then? They only gave me their flight map. They’re not saying they’re actually going to do anything about it so their maps really don’t matter. They need to stop flying over my fucking head!

And we need to be careful when choosing the next place to live. Can’t do anything about most noise problems like loud traffic but we can get further away from the airport. I compared our old house in Phoenix to Sky Harbor Airport and then our house here to this airport and we’re not nearly as far from it as I thought we were. Sky Harbor was 66 miles from our Phoenix house. Sac International is just 15 miles away from this house.

I still love entertaining the fantasy of growing an arm long enough to reach up and swat them out of the sky, as well as wishing the guy with the voices in his head would be told to use them for target practice.

Although briefly, the water was off yesterday evening. Tom got a text saying they were going to turn the water off at 11 yesterday afternoon but I don’t think they ever turned the water off because the water didn’t spit air at me when I got up and used the toilet and sink.

The pigs were so funny. I couldn’t hear the timer go off which I set in the kitchen after taking my meds and going into the bedroom because I had the fan on. But the pigs sure heard it and let me know, LOL.

I was definitely no neglectful rodent mom today. :) I pulled the pigs’ liner out and replaced it with regular bedding and I also relined the top level of the rats’ cage. While this was taking place they were all playing together in the pen. So cute! A lot of work but cute. Gotta wash their accessories as well. Most of those I usually just run through the dishwasher after I rinse them in the sink.

At 7:30 I heard the loud car come in. By 10:30 I realized I never heard it leave so I went to see if it was still here. I was just contemplating telling the punk to get a muffler when he jumped in and took off.

As I was coming back around the circle, I could see that Bob and Virginia’s place was dark and I knew they were asleep.

A few minutes later, the paramedics came and I thought uh-oh! Especially since their place was now lit up. So I went over there and peered through the storm door and saw Virginia sitting in her chair. I wondered why the paramedics weren’t tending to her and for a minute I thought maybe something was wrong with Bob and they were in the bedroom.

Then she spotted me, waved me in, and gave me a hug. The paramedics were here for Ralph, the guy at the “stroke house.” Didn’t know his name before now. I guess he called them and Virginia didn’t like being woken up. She said that his two kids need to take better care of him or something to that effect because they were sound asleep, and well, Bob was over there while we talked.

I didn’t stay long because it was late but I did ask if they pulled her off her thyroid meds and she said no. She has lost a lot of weight but not so much in the stomach. She looks incredibly old but who wouldn’t in their mid-80s?

She asked how I was doing and I told her I was better and that I cut off about 16 inches of hair. She said. “I know,” after telling me the same thing she tells me every time I see her… She asked Bob where Jodi was. LOL

Their place is absolutely gorgeous, immaculate, and sparsely decorated. I could dust the whole house in five minutes.

Oh, the paramedics just took him away. Hate seeing fire/ambulance trucks. They don’t exactly bring back fun memories…heart booming…running down the hall…trying to steady my fingers to dial 911…get the door open, gotta get the door open…what’s your space number?…I don’t know…what color are you?…white…don’t eat or drink anything until help arrives…

Shudders

THURSDAY, APRIL 25, 2019
I’ve now been anxiety-free for 2 weeks and 2 days. If I make it to May 6th, that’s entering the “critical” zone where the real testing begins. If I can beat May 20th, that’s really, really good. August will be the first real ray of hope albeit a faint one. That will double if I make it to September. October and we’re going out celebrating! It would be a double victory with menopause and breaking records with the anxiety.

And then I remind myself how this sounds way too good to be true. :( If there’s anything that doesn’t make sense about it being the dose it’s those months I had little to no anxiety. The brand could very well still be an issue, though. If it does turn out that it’s not the dose, then my chances went up that it is hormonal changes. But then so does the possibility of it being a permanent disorder I got hit with. Only time will tell! Wish I could snap my fingers and have it be October but I don’t want to skip summer either.

My heart’s been elevated a bit more and I don’t know if that’s because I’m low on thyroid or what.

It’s a good thing I took care of the fish by replacing his water completely, changing his filter, and scrubbing algae off the filter and heater, before I went on the quick bike ride I went on because it seemed to take a lot of energy out of me. Went down to the lake and back and then around the circle. I went so fast it’s hard to believe I wasn’t close to 25-30 MPH. Fortunately, there was no traffic. I just wish people wouldn’t park so damn close to the speed bumps.

Didn’t hear that loud car yesterday but I heard it come in for a few minutes after I got up and then I heard it leave.

It’s been very warm. Close to the 90s but it’s supposed to drop into the low 70s soon.

The planes have been quieter these last couple of nights. Heard one when I was returning from my bike ride but yesterday morning sucked. So much for hoping that since I couldn’t hear the freeway I wouldn’t hear them. Makes sense, though, since the planes are overhead. The freeway’s not.

I’m not going to put up with this shit for another half a decade. There’s got to be someone who will listen to me and as one complainant said, there’s got to be a better way. Yeah, like flying wherever they were flying before last September. This is just ridiculous. One article talked about 20 jets flying over between 5:45 to 7:30 and that sounds about right. That’s when they’re at their worst as well as late at night, although you do hear them in the daytime as well. Just not as much because sound travels better late at night and early in the morning.

There’s got to be someone willing to do something about it. But so far all I do is get ignored. I’ve filled out complaint forms, complained on Twitter, been given the runaround when I called the damn airport…yet no one responds in any way shape or form.

It really sucks when you’re this far inland because they can’t take off over the ocean like they usually do unless weather conditions forbid them to. But where were they going before last September?

All these people seem to care about is themselves. It’s like they’re going to do whatever they’re going to do and to hell with everyone else and those it may affect. They’ve obviously agreed to ignore anyone who complains since I’ve gone through 3 different channels trying to get help or at least some info just to be blown off. Still, there’s got to be something that can be done.

Last night I went out walking when it was around 71°. Was out there for a half-hour until shortly before 11. Skunks really like to hang out in back of the house across from the Twenties. I saw one sitting on the retaining wall.

The smell of jasmine is more present in the air. It’s gorgeous.

Had a dream I got a dentist closer to home. So close I walked there and waited in a fairly spacious waiting room. When I was called in, a young woman with long straight light brown hair was looking up something on the computer. It had to do with info I sent them before my first appointment. She asked me how I managed to organize it so well. I said something about building my own template.

Then I was sitting in the exam chair when I turned to look at a couple of women in the doorway questioning whether or not I needed x-rays. Then, as if I suddenly remembered I said, “Oh, yes. I did have x-rays recently because I remember Holly telling me they looked good.”

For the second time in less than a week, they fucking turned the water off, although briefly.

Remembered, found and blocked a PB account of Aly’s from 2013 when she didn’t exactly have the kindest of things to say about me, but also admitted she was a liar who needed changing. This was when I caught her lying about being friends with Molly. She was right in saying that while she shouldn’t have lied, it was her right to choose who she was friends with. In my mind, I was only warning her for her own good, but mistake to be friends with her or not, it was always her mistake to make.

But was I really as focused on being as negative as she said I was? Yeah, I guess I could be at times, but as Andy would probably say, I was only looking out for her. Or at least I thought I was.

Don’t remember emailing to ask if she’d dumped me if I wouldn’t hear from her for a week, but maybe I did…and didn’t realize this was offensive to her either, but as I’ve long since learned, Aly’s pretty sensitive. You just never can know what might offend her. Who’d have thought such an innocent word as “busy” could trigger her? But it does. So I try to aim to please while still being myself as well.

I’ve also long since learned that anyone can dump us at any time for any reason. I don’t know if she’ll dump me or if I’ll dump her or we’ll be friends forever. I know never to count on or assume anything either way and to just enjoy what time I have with those in my life. But if she or anyone else ever does exit my life again - that’s it. I will not question their decision nor will I try to get them back.

One of Aly’s nanny kids is an adopted Chinese girl named Linzee. Her parents are lesbians. She’s been kicked out of school for foul language but what do the parents do? They don’t fight it. Instead, they send her to another school.

And expect her not to repeat her behavior?

As I told Aly, kids are terrible these days and most of that is the parents’ fault since they don’t discipline them. Most of what these little shits do today was totally unheard of when I was a kid.

I Google myself every now and then just to see what comes up. I see one of the libelous articles I was mentioned in has been deleted. I’d like to think it was because it was false and misleading with its How Many More People Have to Die? title when no one in my case was killed, number one. And number two, I was never charged with a hate crime, which was what the article was about. I’m kind of surprised the courts didn’t call it that since nothing else they called it was correct. I never stalked anyone and it was never about hating them because of their color.

Anyway, I’d like to think that’s why it was removed but more than likely it was simply moved to another location. That’s okay. They can keep their bullshit online because mine is going to be out there right along with theirs someday. :)

TUESDAY, APRIL 23, 2019
Slept great (with earbuds) and continue to be in good spirits and feel well in general. Just a touch lightheaded today.

I usually gather the pigs’ liner by the corners, take it outside, dump shit and hay from it into the pail, then shake it by the cypresses to get out smaller bits of hay and fur. So after dropping shit all over the fucking place and having to sweep it up, the 4 of them played in the pen. So cute! Made a quick vid of it.

Fuzzy was so adorable, as usual, and wanted to play with me as well as run around, unlike his antisocial bro. He can still fit through the bars of the pen but Woody’s so big now he can barely squeeze through.

Wow, my sweet potato smoothie came out AWESOME! All healthy ingredients: Sweet potato (gotta zap it for 5 mins first), milk, banana, vanilla extract, maple syrup, and a pinch of cinnamon. ;)

I’ve switched the smart plug in the bedroom by the bathroom to operate the fan rather than the air cleaner since we should now be entering summer. Shouldn’t need the heat anymore this year. I hope not, anyway! It was nearly 90° today. Love it! Should warm the pool up soon. Looking forward to the dryness too, since it shouldn’t rain other than maybe a sprinkle or two for the next 5-6 months.

Tom pumped my bike tires up before he went to bed. They’re supposed to have 40 lbs of pressure but the front one was down to 24 and the back to 26. Made sure my lights and everything were working as biking can be more dangerous than driving in some ways. I know some of my readers have never gone bike riding or had any interest but I totally recommend trying it at least once! It’s something you’ll either fall in love with right away or you’ll find it terrifying and never want to do it again, LOL. Me, I love the speed. I’d never get on a motorcycle but I love coasting down these hills. I only hate it when I have to come back up them.

But yeah, you gotta be careful. You can’t always stop in a split second if need be, and if you hit something at just 10 MPH or even less, you could be seriously hurt. Hell, even just starting off when you’re this short can be tricky so I like to start downhill since I gotta step down on the pedal and jump up onto the seat at the same time. I can’t place both feet flat on the ground while sitting on the seat. Only my toes touch the ground when I’m seated.

Anyway, because I was alone and it was dark, I stuck to the circle and made a few rounds as I get more into riding shape. Around midnight I may go out on foot. Definitely going to work my arms and core inside tonight. When I was out there it was such a beautiful night. The temperature was perfect and there was no traffic or anything. Just some bugs and webs I rode into.

The last hour or two before I get ready to read myself to sleep I sometimes get bored because I no longer have the energy to do anything all that constructive but I’m not ready to get into bed. So I sometimes wander through YouTube vids. I was browsing some language vids and came across this woman giving Norwegian lessons. It’s not as ugly or as difficult as German from what I can tell but the letter ø sure sounds goofy as hell, LOL. But I enrolled myself in Duolingo’s Norwegian course and maybe I’ll dabble in it periodically. I’m not going to take the language as seriously as I took Spanish, Italian, German and ASL, though. It’ll be sort of like my Dutch, Esperanto, and Portuguese; a reader language if I study enough of it.

My story is now over 13K words even though I already hit my word count goal.

Carolyn shared a photo of the lake on Facebook and in one of her comments, she was telling someone that one of the best things they ever did was move here almost three years ago. So they do like it here and they don’t plan to move?

MONDAY, APRIL 22, 2019
Even though I slept better last night I’m tired today. Gave Fuzzy a little attention in the morning yesterday but wish I could give him more. As much as I love these animals, I still sometimes regret getting them only because I don’t have the energy to give them as much attention as I’d like. But at least I gave him and the pigs some, and hopefully tonight I will be able to muster up a little more energy so we can run around together. At least I’m able to give them the most important things and that’s food, water, and a decent place to live.

According to Twitter, I’m far from the only one who’s getting fed up with all these fucking planes. The people in Natomas have it worse because they’re closer to the airport. But we’re not and that’s why I still don’t understand why they’ve been flying over us so much. I guess someone in Sacramento is also unhappy because they hearted a tweet I left for somebody else.

The thing is that they obviously don’t give a shit. Never once have I gotten a reply apologizing for the annoyances, saying they’re working on changing things, or anything. Instead, I have been completely ignored which shows how little Sac International cares about the people their racket affects. There’s got to be somewhere else they can go where they’re less bothersome because they were wherever that was before September, after all.

I wish I could rid myself of some things that bother me which I know are totally pointless like who sees my blog. First of all, I’m not doing anything wrong. Second of all, there is nothing on me anywhere that anyone could use against me. I’m not a convicted murderer. I’m not a registered sex offender. I’m not looking to impress anyone. I’m not looking for a job. I’m absolutely positively boringly ordinary other than having a rare birth defect and a rare sleep disorder, but even that can’t be used against me in any way that could directly affect or harm me. So what’s my problem then?

The most “offensive” thing I could ever say in my blog is that I absolutely do not support Muslims in other countries. But it’s not like anyone can come and shoot me for it or arrest me or anything like that so I don’t know why it’s so hard to bring myself to go public and enjoy the fun that goes with that. I used to love being surprised by all kinds of people and comments, both positive and negative. But if anyone in Arizona is watching me, just the thought of them reading that I just brushed my teeth makes me feel horribly exposed and paranoid. Am I just being silly? Or do I have every reason to feel that way? One of the people involved in legally screwing me was a pig so I would think that even if I was 100% private, they could still find out what was going on with me if they really wanted to. They could hack me without my knowledge. If you know how to hack or if you could find out how to as easily as I think the bastard could, then you’re going to pretty much learn everything there is to know about me even if, once again, there really isn’t anything that top-secret or exciting to learn unless the day of my last orgasm counts.

One thing I’m definitely through with when it comes to blogs and stories, private or not, is worrying about people’s fragile little eggshell feelings. I’m tired of looking up names and words to make sure they’re not offensive. While there’s no need to deliberately offend anyone, I’m not responsible for other people’s feelings. I’m just not. So since I’m not the Feelings Police, I would rather just write what I want and allow people the freedom of not reading it if they can’t handle it for some reason. Besides, just because a certain word or name may be okay now doesn’t mean it won’t be deemed offensive later on. Yeah, that’s another thing that drives me crazy is racism being seen in every fucking thing these days. Something’s okay for 5 minutes and then it’s not. Then you’ve got things that have existed for centuries and suddenly they’re a no-no. Really feel like some people are determined to tear down our history and I wonder when we’re going to stop jumping to every beck and call and stop allowing ourselves to be taken advantage of. People do whatever they know they can get away with. As long as people know they can walk on others to get ahead in life or just because they can, they will. So if some people aren’t going to stop whining and complaining about every little thing, perhaps we need to put our foot down at some point soon? Hell, even Steve would be downright ashamed by how so many of his people are carrying on!

I’ll never understand why we live in such a word-sensitive world. If you’re a child who’s young and impressionable, sure. I can see that. But adults should be smart enough to know that words aren’t bullets, knives, swords or torches. I read shit I don’t like all the time and what do I do? I move on. Period. And when I tuned into Beyonce’s Homecoming documentary just to find it’s mostly a black pride/power rant as talented as she otherwise is, I moved on from there as well. Yes, the double standards do still annoy me but I don’t see equality ever becoming a reality. I’m not “proud” of my color because I did nothing to achieve it, but I guess that’s a good thing since, unlike Beyonce, that would be horribly racist of me, right? Is that fair? Absolutely not. But I try not to let it get to me too much since I don’t see change on the horizon anytime soon.

I was doing my own whining the other day to Tom when I bitched about blacks never being happy and all that with the statues we gotta tear down after hundreds of years, and as usual, he seemed bothered that I was bothered, saying that these things don’t affect us directly.

No, but blacks have affected us as we saw in Arizona. Now, I may not be nearly as compassionate, bothered, empathetic, emotional, kind - whatever - as most people are, but what they did to me really changed my outlook on them as a whole. So when I hear them making selfish and or hateful demands and complaints, yes, I do wanna slap them.

I shouldn’t bother him with what bothers me as much because it truly does seem to trigger him a bit. Maybe he doesn’t realize or means to but he does seem to, if not literally defend, play down or excuse some people/things.

Being on 50s may make me tired but at least it’s looking like I won’t have to worry about my weight going up. Despite the drop in cals, it’s not going down either, as I knew it wouldn’t. I would still have to starve myself to lose so I’m glad I’m not as appearance-obsessed as I was at 16.

I’ve been lazing off on my story so I need to get back on with it tonight. It was 87° today so I’m waiting for it to cool down before I go out walking. Then I’ll head out on foot since my bike tires need to be pumped up. Chains and lights need checking, too. The last thing I need is faulty brakes going downhill at 20 MPH and having a skunk or possum dart out in front of me.

Made a chocolate-banana-peanut butter smoothie last night as well as a chickpea and greens smoothie. Today it’s strawberry banana with coconut milk.

LOL, I’m being paged for my waitressing services. Time to go serve up that romaine. :)

Had to look up “vanilla relationship” as my much younger bestie is obviously smarter than me (she used the term). I guess those who have a typical sex life have vanilla relationships. So if you’re into BDSM or you have a cumless hubby, you’re not exactly vanilla. What are you then?

Fuck! The loud car just left. Good thing I slept with the buds cuz they’re probably back to their morning and afternoon visits. It sucks cuz it shows that once again they’ve probably lost or quit their job and have too much time on their hands yet plenty of it to mooch off of mommy & daddy.

Was going to post the above at 7:30, but goofed off on WhatsApp with Aly, then went out for my walk.

Thought the clubhouse closed at 6, but at 8:30, I saw people playing cards at card tables.

Definitely wanna stick to adult communities. No, they’re not peaceful but not only do I wish to escape the almighty freeloading off-brand but the screaming kids I heard, along with their yapping mutt, and this totally obnoxious cricket machine as well. The frog machine I heard further up the road was okay but the way too fast screeching of crickets was annoying as were the planes.

Not only will I never return to the race card games and put myself at risk of becoming a second-time reverse discrimination victim, but I also won’t take back the brats and mutts either. Loud music, blowers, mowers, trimmers, saws, power tools, hammers, motorcycles, loud cars/trucks, projects, roadwork and planes are enough.

SUNDAY, APRIL 21, 2019
Fucking traffic woke me up a few hours after crashing. It’s partly my fault, though, since I didn’t insert my earbud when I crashed.

While I slept, Tom worked in the storeroom and on different things outside. He said a highway patrol car came and went around the circle as if looking for someone. Guess someone got stopped on the freeway and then bailed or something.

Was gonna hang out in the living room tonight but nah. I’m too tired to entertain the rats and I really don’t want to listen to bass booming down the freeway as is more common on warmer nights.

I have my “happy” light on in the bedroom but no energy to work out. I think I’m gonna call it a lazy night since I’m tired due to the sleep disturbance. Took me an hour to fall back asleep. It was probably that loud car that I heard leave (at least I hope it was leaving) just before 8pm. Really hope the bastard doesn’t return to regular visits.

The Twenties returned from wherever they just went for the last week or so and had lots of company but they were quiet. Wouldn’t even know they were there had I not seen them.

So as I said, not doing much tonight. But hey, I deserve a night/day off every now and then, right? This is why I try to work out every day that I can; cuz I know I’m going to have tired days. Really hope I catch up on sleep, though, as I don’t want to take too many nights/days off. Plus, I want energy to clean a bit and play with the furballs.

So glad we’re at this time of year so I can look forward to the next half a year or so of outdoor exercise. Should be done with the rain for about 6 months, too. I think I’ll mostly bike by day and walk by night for variety. I can go out in higher temps on the bike than I can on foot. Some nighttime rides would be nice too, cuz while I can’t see as well, at least there are fewer people in the way at night.

As I was lying by the fan cooling off from yesterday’s power walk, I was thinking about how I was going to take the bedroom curtains with us when we move, but I don’t think I will. We don’t know what windows we’ll have and by then a change will be due anyway. The magenta curtains contrast nicely with the mint green walls but since we won’t be painting the next place and there’s no reason this quilt can’t last for many years to come, I was thinking I’d get curtains that go more with it better than these do. So lavender or medium purple. LOL, yeah, I’m always looking ahead.

I’ll still go with blackout curtains, but instead of shades, I want those wooden shutters. Not wooden blinds like what I hope to get for other windows, but shutters that join in the center when closed. Those should keep it dark for sleeping but make it easier to open and let daytime light in when I want it.

Okaaaay…we may not be able to regulate the world’s insanely loud car stereos so easily, as Tom was explaining since amplifiers are everywhere and all that, but the park can and should ban them right along with the motorcycles. One just went by the bedrooms, bass pounding, and headed down to the other side of the circle. No excuse for that here. This is an adult community. Not the ghettos.

Going through the headlines…bananas may become extinct? I hope not! I have them nearly every day. They’re a great source of energy (usually), potassium and more.

Got the usual people causing the usual trouble. Whiny blacks determined to destroy our history and tear things down that have existed without issue for years. How much longer are we going to give in to their every beck and call and allow ourselves to be taken advantage of?

Also in the news, Muslims being Muslims, this time blowing up churches in Sri Lanka.

SATURDAY, APRIL 20, 2019
“I never wanted that mansion on the hill. I never needed that Cadillac Seville…” sings Marie Osmond in one of her songs.

Well, I’ll take the mansion on a hill, but the Cadillac Seville is now gone. It was taken before I got up. Tom said the guy just drove it onto the ramp, took a couple of minutes to strap it down, and that was it. He thinks it’ll probably be auctioned off to a junkyard for $150 or so. Luxury cars just don’t have the value they used to. That’s how we could get away with driving one for half a decade, older and used or not.

Tom really likes how Candy is so much lighter since gas car engines weigh a lot and make it like you’re carrying a few people around with you at all times.

I think it’s neat how it can sense if someone’s sitting in the passenger seat. If it can’t, it won’t deploy the airbag on that side in the event of an accident, but I’m guessing all cars have this feature now.

Anyway, thank you, Caddy, for freeing up some carport space and for 5 years of fine service till your “bladder” went to hell and your transmission got a little funky. You took hubs to and from work for years and me to a million appointments. Mostly due to that fucking anxiety that I may or may not have found the off switch for.

Still don’t want cutting my meds to be the solution but I also want a solution. Any solution! It’s still way too soon to know if this is it, though. Yes, it makes the most sense but there are things that make me wonder. If 75s was too much for me then why didn’t I have nearly as much anxiety from late August 2017 to early January 2018? And why didn’t I have this particular feeling before December of 2016?

It may be too soon to know anything either way, but I was wrong in thinking the Amberen was the problem, then there was the liothyronine experiment that was a bust, so I guess it’s safe to assume I’m wrong about the dose being the fix and that I’ll get “stabbed” with adrenaline within a month or two. At least when I find out I’m wrong it won’t be as disappointing as finding out the Amberen didn’t have anything to do with it. I didn’t need the Amberen but I do need more of this medication.

Didn’t go out walking yesterday but went in the late afternoon today before the gnats could take over. The sun was a little blinding depending on what direction I was facing but no one stopped me along the way. I power walked for 23 minutes. The temperature was perfect too.

The planes were surprisingly and wonderfully quiet last night but they’re back to being an annoyance as I figured they would be. So I have the air cleaner drowning some of it out until after midnight. Don’t know why I can’t just get used to them once and for all. Been going on since September.

Big mistake going to KFC today for a cod basket. Oh, the food was delicious. Well, the fries weren’t as crispy as I’d like but it was good overall. But stupid because it’s so unhealthy. The fries aren’t good for my LS and after I ate everything, plus a mini cake, I was so tired. Just when I’ve been feeling so good since getting my NutriBlender, too! My mood has improved tremendously and so have my energy levels since turning much of my diet into smoothies. So, big mistake as good as it was and definitely not one I’m going to make again. KFC service is pretty hit-or-miss anyway. I’m surprised there were any workers from here since these types of places usually hire foreigners and illegals who don’t know much English.

Anyway, I later made a smoothie with a banana, blueberries, raspberries, mixed spring greens, and coconut milk and that perked me up enough to go out on my walk.

Maliheh was in my dreams last night. We were both single and I was suggesting we get married for insurance reasons much like in my book, even though we didn’t seem to have an interest in each other.

Ugh, the thought of that sends chills down my spine! I’m so sorry I ever wasted a moment talking to that heartless bitch. If I was single and she came begging to be my girlfriend, I would never consider any kind of a relationship with her whatsoever. From now on I don’t forgive or forget. You dump me (be it for a reason you share with me or by ghosting me), I will never again try to change your mind or let you change mine and it won’t matter how much history we may have either. I’d rather miss the good times than be sucked into what may very well be the same old shit all over again like with Andy. I’ll always love and miss him, but I never liked him, and with him being who is and set in his ways, I don’t see how I ever could.

FRIDAY, APRIL 19, 2019
I hope I’m not making any dieters hungry with my smoothie obsession. I’m not dieting myself but I’m doing my best to keep from gaining, something I still have control over. :)

Wednesday’s smoothie had avocado, spinach and kale. Yesterday’s had bananas with peanut butter and honey. So far I’ve enjoyed everything I’ve made. :)

He made one with milk, ice cream, semi-sweet chocolate chips, and caramel.

Later I’m going to make a Cake Batter Smoothie with yogurt and yellow cake mix.

Ordered a set of 12 colorful plastic cups in 3 different sizes and 4 colors for my smoothie craze, plus a colorful set of 5 lidded ice cube trays.

Pawandeep has lost 10 pounds since going to 75s but she’s young so this doesn’t surprise me.

Spent nearly an hour taking care of the animals. I put liners in the pigs’ cage and the rats’ upper level. Downstairs they have regular paper bedding. Pigs and Fuzz played happily in the pen while I worked.

Going to wait till it’s just about dark before I go out walking. It’ll be cooler then and then I won’t have to worry about those damn flying things that come out at twilight. I guess they’re gnats. Looking forward to hitting the 90s next week! This will help make the pool comfy. Once we stop getting below 60° at night it should be nice since the pool is solar heated.

Got over 10K words for my NaNo project and should get close to my goal tonight!

Nice to know my floral flats that aren’t very comfy won’t go to waste now that they’re on Suki.

THURSDAY, APRIL 18, 2019
OMG, would you stop spying on me, Aly?! sighs with frustration First, she’s nosing into my PB books from different accounts, then she found another account that I haven’t been using. Fortunately, there was only 1 entry but it contained things I’d rather not share with her. So I’m annoyed, a bit embarrassed and puzzled. What is she looking for???

Could be that she stumbled upon it by accident, looking for someone else or just random browsing, but I highly doubt that. Here’s an account I haven’t used in nearly a year, no one I know of has checked it out, but she does? That can’t be a coincidence.

But why is she trying to find accounts I haven’t told her about? Is she hoping to learn things about me she doesn’t already know? Is she just that curious? Or is it something else?

Even though I’m sure she’s heard all my Bubbly posts, I deleted those just in case. I just wish she’d give me some privacy! Just because something’s public doesn’t mean you should be nosing into it if you weren’t told about it or invited. It’s like reading tweets to other people. While we all do it at times and it’s hard to resist temptation, we shouldn’t be observing other people’s conversations.

Sunset is at 7:45 and that’s when I’ll go out for a walk since it’s a little warm now. I’m sure I’ll get stopped but it will be nice to get fresh air. It’s slightly warm in the sunlight so I would like to wait. I always prefer early morning, evening or late night walks anyway when it’s likely to be more peaceful. Walking by mowers, blowers, and trimmers blaring away doesn’t exactly make for a very peaceful walk.

Saturday, the Caddy will be out of the way and then I can maneuver the bike in and out easier. In the warmer temps, I need to be on the bike where it’s “windy,” given that I’m going 8-20 miles an hour. Love flying down those hills! I just hate coming back up them, LOL. Florida would definitely be easier for bike riding but then I’ll have to deal with humidity.

Thought about going back to the clubhouse when I’m up during the mornings for their aerobics class but decided against it for a few reasons. Aerobics is just okay and I’m not a big fan of it. I’m not a social butterfly. I hate doing it to the same shitty music all the time. I also prefer to go at my own pace and be able to stop if I need to pee or something, so that’s why I prefer working out solo or with Tom.

Tested out his game which he’s trying out on different devices to see how it looks and it’s looking good so far, but with limited time it will probably still be a while before it’s in the App Store. He wants to add some animations and stuff like that.

10 days of being anxiety-free have been wonderful even though I’m definitely more tired, colder and sleeping longer on the lower dose. Or maybe not. As Tom said, it’s too soon to really say. I sometimes sleep for longer than 8 hours.

Do I think this is the cure for my anxiety even though it’s still way too soon to know for sure? Well, this makes the most sense out of anything as of yet seeing that I didn’t have any problems on 50s. But it’s still hard to believe I’ll ever figure out a solution that will stop it just like that. I still worry that it will either go away on its own someday for no apparent reason or I’ll be stuck with it forever tormenting me on and off. I’d love to have suddenly stumbled upon a solution after years of suffering but I would have some real mixed emotions about it being a dosage cut as no one wants the answer to be skimping on medication their body needs otherwise. So unless there’s anything up there that actually wants me to be hypo, I don’t believe anything until and if I see it for at least half a year. If I made it to August anxiety-free, I would then see my first real glimmer of light. By September I would start getting a little giddy with excitement and by October I would be absolutely ecstatic and no doubt going ballistic with tears of joy and relief, even though it would be too bad I couldn’t get my numbers close to where they should be without suffering. But if it does turn out to be a dosage issue; just because 75s make me anxious now doesn’t mean they always will. They did stop giving me serious side effects after all when I stopped in late 2014 and then returned to it in early 2015. Maybe once I’m postmenopausal I can handle it. It’s too soon to say anything for sure.

I had suspected I went hypo somewhere around 2010, but when I think about it I wonder if it could go as far back as the early 2000s. I know some people are naturally more sensitive to temperature than others, but when I remember how I would get such cold hands and feet during the winters in Maricopa, I assumed it was because I wasn’t used to cold weather, but maybe that wasn’t it. I also remember how utterly freezing my first winter in Oregon was and that makes me wonder as well. After all, with few exceptions, I haven’t been able to lose weight since I was 36 which would go with that timeframe.

With my metabolism forced to be even slower and me not getting any younger, I’ve really got to watch the calories as hard as it is. I want to start walking 1-2 hours a day even if I break it up into chunks and keep my calories between 1200-1500.

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 17, 2019
Got up at 7:30, took my meds, and lay in bed another hour. Didn’t sleep as long last night so I’m tired today. The smoothie I made gave me a boost of energy but I’m still a bit tired.

Yesterday I made a single-serve smoothie with a banana, milk and granola. Today’s double-serving smoothie consists of a banana, mangoes, kale and almond milk. Yesterday’s was delicious. Today’s is refreshing.

My goal is to eventually weed meats and prepared stuff out of my diet 6 days a week and just make that a weekend treat.

Walked down to the lake around 9:30 and gave the ducks the rest of the old bread. It was in the low 60s and I could’ve used a hat since the sun was kind of warm on my head. Also, no sleeves or more wind would’ve been nice but I wore my rat tee and there was only a 3MPH breeze. Didn’t take my music with me due to the daily landscaping noise.

Not liking that there have been more vehicles at Miss Footless’s house. Looks like they’re working on something in front. sighs Another project junkie. How much more work could her place possibly need? Definitely not sure I like living with those with money.

Gave some attention to the animals earlier. Fuzzy’s as adorable as ever while Woody is still shy and getting destructive, too. He’s been chewing the liner and pillowcase I use to line the top shelf.

TUESDAY, APRIL 16, 2019
Today was the second day in a row that I had good energy and no lightheadedness. This could either mean that the lower dose had nothing to do with the fatigue I was having or my body has adapted to the lower dose. No way to say for sure which one is the case. I’m just glad I feel better and have more energy so I can do things!

Tom and I went on a quick walk after work. When I was in the worst of the perimenopause I couldn’t stand to be in the direct sunlight even if it wasn’t that hot. Yet I walked and jogged in 60-degree weather and bright sunlight and was fine even though I wouldn’t want to do it for a long time. I have a feeling it would be harder on a higher dose. This medication definitely does seem to make you sensitive to heat the more you take it.

Today’s smoothie was made with one banana, half a cup of milk, and a quarter cup of granola. It was yummy!

Been thinking about how so much of life usually isn’t what we plan it to be, after discussing this with Aly. There are a few things I planned, wanted, hoped and tried for that I ended up being glad I never achieved. Back when I was really into singing, had I made it big I would have loved the fortune but hated the fame. Had I had a child as I considered for a while, I would have hated the chaos and lack of freedom. I’m also glad I didn’t get my so-called dream woman because she was always just that…a dream. No one can replace or compare to Tom, anyway.

But there are still some things I wish I could do that I know I never will. I miss so much of the old me. I don’t miss the naive, immature, emotional side of me, but I miss a lot of my old physical aspects. I want to wake up with perfect vision and stay that way. I want a normal metabolism so the choice of whether or not to keep the extra weight or lose it could at least be up to me. I miss my old libido. I miss not having to dye my hair. I miss my old skin. Hell, I even miss my old bladder and dread the day it starts leaking!

I wish we could move to Maui and into a quiet place that we could never afford and that doesn’t even exist since it’s pretty much noisy everywhere unless you’re out in the middle of the Arctic or something like that.

Everyone was alive again in my dreams last night from my grandparents to my parents to my brother to Jim Rome. In the dream where my parents were alive, I went over to their house with Fuzzy. Only dad was home at the time and I let Fuzzy run around loose. Dad was saying Mom would freak out when she got home and I said, “Maybe she’ll like him when she sees the cute things he does.”

Then I was talking to Jim and it seemed that my parents and Charlotte were dead. We had a pleasant and intelligent conversation about life in general. He sat in a plush chair, disabled for the most part. I think he said he had muscular dystrophy. He was very easygoing and nice to chat with and I said it was a bit hard to believe he was friends with my mom since he was so nice and mellow and my mother could be a controlling bitch.

The subject of my studying languages came up and he seemed surprised about it. At first, I was surprised no one mentioned this since it was so much a part of my life and my interests but then I realized that my mom wasn’t usually in the habit of discussing my interests with others unless it was something she herself could relate to.

Then a younger woman came to join us in our discussion and was talking about her job. She and Jim were laughing about her interesting job title, but I don’t remember what it was.

Then I walked out of my grandparents’ living room and into their garage. The garage door was open and I stepped out into the rain and walked down to my parents’ house. I didn’t see them or Tammy in the dream but I knew my brother was asleep in one of the bedrooms. I was carrying a pizza box down the hallway when I spotted a spider on his door. I crushed it with the box, careful not to wake him.

Then I was holding an old 45 in the shape of a cutout of a woman in a fancy dress. The entire image was overlaid in an orangy pink color. I thought about how I didn’t really like the song on it very much and wondered why I bothered to buy it.

Then I was tiptoeing through a rocky river. Larry might have been in that dream.

Lastly, I was in some kind of dance or aerobics class. A younger girl there had a sports bra and shorts on. The front part of the shorts was nothing but a thin mesh and you could easily see the front of her bikini panties through it, something a friend of hers was quick to point out.

Happy 38th birthday to Aly! Hope she has a good one (on the 17th), though I’m not liking the fact that she’s been “spying” on me. Just what is it she’s looking for? To compare what I share with others with what I share with her? To see my comments? Why is she so curious about me anyway? Unless it’s a site I don’t tell her about, I pretty much can’t write anywhere else and get some privacy from those I actually know, which I’d kind of prefer every once in a while so I can be a bit more open. The more I share with strangers, the less I have to worry about hurting people’s feelings. In general, I don’t give a shit about people’s feelings, but I don’t want to unnecessarily offend any of my friends so that’s why I try to keep things separate since I sometimes include things they wouldn’t like or agree with. But she makes this a little hard to do when she’s peeking in on me here, there and everywhere.

MONDAY, APRIL 15, 2019
Got up at 7 and took my meds. Was so tired that I slept another couple of hours. Not too fatigued today…so far. Definitely didn’t sleep well last night as I woke up a million times. Hot flashing, needing to pee, just because…

All I remember for dreams is something about going to some kind of camp or activities resort and being pissed that I had to miss out during the daytime on things because I couldn’t get up before late afternoon.

The Caddy will be picked up on Saturday.

Used up a bale of bedding on the pigs. Yes, this is easiest but I’ll probably just work harder and save money by returning to liners. Just gotta fight with the hay a bit. They also do kick some bedding out so liners will keep the floors a bit cleaner.

A certain pesky little rat just had to jump into the hay holder while I was trying to fill it and then climb shelves that are a no-no. LOL, this rat gets around, alright. One minute he’s one place, the next he’s on the back of the couch trying to jump onto the treadmill tray.

My NutriBlast blender arrived yesterday and I love it! In the large cup, I made a blueberry banana smoothie with the blades that sort of forms a plus sign, and he made one of his breakfast shakes in a smaller cup with the other blade.

Read up on the dos and don’ts of the blender and various recipe ideas as well as the benefits of different greens, fruits and nuts. All of them do great things…fight various types of cancer, protect the heart, lower BP, lower cholesterol and so much more. Not one of them said, “But it could be bad because…” or “The only negs are…”

They basically say to go with 50% leafy greens, 50% fruit (of any and all kinds) and a 1/4 cup boost (nuts). No more than 25% of everything added should consist of ice if you’re going to use it. They say the more fruit varieties you add, the more benefits you get, plus you need to add a liquid of some kind.

Also, you should buy organic if the fruit has no skin like bananas and oranges do. Bananas will last longer if you refrigerate them and they can be peeled and frozen too, as I read.

Just made a smoothie with half a cup of blueberries, one large romaine leaf, a quarter cup of milk and a quarter cup of granola. Not bad. Even the calories of healthy stuff can add up, though, so I try to use half-servings.

Was thinking about this protected class bullshit we have, and well, most of it is just that…bullshit. I can totally see protecting children, the disabled and the elderly, but why should you deserve more protection based on either your occupation or your color? If you kick my ass you shouldn’t be excused or get any kind of breaks just because you may be a doctor or a lawyer or a cop or maybe because your skin is darker than mine. You should get the same punishment a white accountant, housekeeper or painter should get. I hate it when people are excused or given breaks for the wrong reasons!

SUNDAY, APRIL 14, 2019
I’m continuing to battle intermittent fatigue but determined to stick to 50s and find out for once and for all if in fact my anxiety is a dosage issue or not. It’s frustrating and gets in the way of life, yes, but anything is better than anxiety.

Tom trimmed the grassy weeds around the place today and yesterday. He’s determined to keep up on the outside more often. The carport and patio need power hosing, too.

Because the price of scrap is down right now, no junkyard is interested in buying the Caddy from us so we’re going to be donating it to this place that will auction it off. They’re to be calling back to schedule a time to pick it up.

Here’s the best news of all. In going through the file box in search of the Caddy’s title, he came across a receipt from the previous owners and it turns out that the roof was replaced 15 years ago! That’s fantastic to know because that’s one less large expense we have to deal with. :-) Explains why I could never “see” us doing it, too.

Yesterday we went to the dollar store so I could get a variety of air fresheners for cheap and I got four fragrances. Rose, vanilla, papaya-mango, and waterfall.

I also got bath gloves, a couple of bottles of neon nail polish (pink and green), some candy, gum, and a sheet of pink rhinestone stickers which I decorated the base of the pigs’ cage with and the center of the rats’ cage as well.

After that, we checked out Georgia’s Treasures, a place I’ve been curious about for a while, but nothing appealed to me there.

Another thing I’m excited about could be here any time now and that’s my new $50 blender. I decided last night that I wanted one because I think it would be a great way to replace my second meal with smoothies. The idea is to replace meals with fruits and veggies so I don’t get as much sodium, and this way I’m not having salty or sugary snacks either. Depending on the ingredients, you can make these things as unhealthy as they are healthy from what research I’ve done on allrecipes.com, so I definitely won’t be adding too many extras to the basics. Will have to pick up more ingredients to try different things and I’ve joined the site to get some ideas. I have bananas, blueberries and milk in stock so I can make a basic smoothie from that. It should be fun experimenting with different things. :-)

The blender will come with 2 small cups and 1 large one, plus a couple of different blades. I like how you can blend the stuff right in the cup you’re going to drink it out of. Plus, they have lids if you don’t finish it all at once. :-)

If I don’t lose weight and have to “cut my losses,” so to speak by just continuing to keep my weight where it’s at, that’s fine. I trust my body wouldn’t carry the extra weight if it didn’t feel it needed it. But if I do lose some, that’s fine, too. When I’m not looking things up or actually eating, I try to keep food out of sight and out of mind. For most folks, thinking often equals hunger which often equals extra stuff we don’t need.

Managed to reinstall Ask on my phone but I just put the site on my desktop rather than bothered with the app because I wasn’t impressed with the app at all.

Aly lost her phone so we’ve been doing regular texting until she either finds it or gets a new phone.

It turns out that Cam’s brother not only caught 10 mice at once with glue boards (that’s way more than the three we caught in the trailer at once), but other neighbors are experiencing the same problem.

SATURDAY, APRIL 13, 2019
Woke up early cuz I crashed early and I’m definitely not as awake as I was yesterday. Since the return of my anxiety is inevitable anyway, it might as well just come and get me so I can go back to 75s and have more energy. But how can 50s leave me this tired? Did I just get that used to 75s or what? I wasn’t this tired before I went on medication so I don’t know what to think. All I know is that I need to finally find out if it’s a dose issue or not. Again, I’d LOVE to find a solution to what’s been making me anxious like yesterday. But I also don’t want it to be caused by something my body otherwise needs.

My first thought is that it’s gotta be the dose that was making me anxious since it didn’t start till I went up to 75s. Then I tell myself nothing’s that easy for me and I couldn’t get that lucky as to have it be a simple dosage issue. But then finding it’s caused by something you need isn’t exactly “lucky” and as anyone who knows me knows, I’ve never really been a lucky person to begin with. For now, here’s to hoping a second cup of coffee gives me some energy!

Still have that strange dizziness, but it’s mostly only noticeable when I move my head. Better do my ears before my shower just in case that’s it.

Marie’s back and Aly asked if she was the only one I shared everything with, like a full picture, and mentioned Kim being back to blogging and wondering if I share everything with her or not.

So she discovered I blocked her on PB? Wonder if she’ll create a new account there?

Last night I dreamed that Palma was a street cop. She was cruising around with some blond chick and eventually killed a pedestrian in a high-speed chase.

I later heard her on the phone saying, “This is for (names her partner) too?” Then I learned she was being informed that charges were to be brought against her and her partner.

Then later still, I was in a giant factory that made manufactured homes. I was thinking that when I could get a word with Palma I would suggest she leave her hair down in court since she looked mean, LOL.

So I finally caught her as I was walking through a partially finished model of a small home. I called out to her and she said, “Oh, hi Jodi. What’s up?”

I stepped off the model’s floor and stooped down to pick up a handful of white ankle socks on the floor. I began to speak, coughed and said, “My asthma’s been acting up.”

Then I woke up as I was suggesting she leave her hair down so her dark distinct features would appear less intimidating.

FRIDAY, APRIL 12, 2019
Skimmed through the end of 2017 again, and while it’s true that I had no major anxiety at the end of the year, I did have half a dozen or so borderline days. As exhausted as I have been (although today I have more energy than I’ve had in several days), I’m going to keep going with the lower dose. We know it’s not the meds themselves, but this is the only way I can find out if it’s the dose or not. Assuming I’ll get anxious again sooner or later, that’s when I’ll return to 75s and hope it’s just hormonal and not a permanent condition I’ve been hit with. As much as I’ve been dying to find a solution for years now, I almost don’t want it to be the dosage since 50s is too low for me. Sure would be the simplest solution, though. Only time will tell for sure either way. Do I think it’s the dose? Well, my problems didn’t start till after it was raised, so that makes me think it could be. But nothing’s that easy for me either, so I doubt it is.

The loud car visited Wednesday and Thursday but not today. Disappointed but not surprised. This kid’s incredibly glued to his enabling parents that I knew something had to have happened to keep him away for the time he wasn’t coming around and that it was beyond his control. If it were up to him he’d still be living here, probably for the rest of his parents’ lives. Wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if he shared a dumpy apartment with a few people and they were paying his expenses.

When I was coming back from my jog down to the lake and back, I noticed something big parked 4 houses down in the back. Some guy’s having a bunch of plants butchered. Thought I’d hear at least something even though it’s behind the houses but haven’t heard much yet. It’s going to be maddening when Lawrence has the front of his place done. I just hope I’m awake!

When are the bulk collectors going to pick up the trash? They were supposed to do this on the 10th.

Half of the regular trash got stuck and didn’t make it out. :( I caught the guy on the way back out and tossed in a bunch of plastic wrapping that came with the cage but there’s still enough other shit in the bin.

I think I will go with bedding for the pigs, after all. It’s just so much easier to deal with and the 4 of them are enough work as it is. I can take a bale and use about half of it to fill the whole cage. Then I can use up the rest of the bail doing partials which basically means replacing the ends of the cage. This will mean going through a bale every 2 weeks rather than 1.

It was cute watching Fuzzy try to get in the pigs’ cage. They were all nose to nose between the bars of the cage and the pigs weren’t distressed. That would change, of course, if I let Fuzzy in there.

Aly and I have been getting some questions from some people which we’re wondering the identity of. Apparently, I’m not the only one agreeing that while she may be great as a nanny, it may be too much for her to care for a child every single day. Still, I support her as her friend.

I’m not getting any shit, but I’m getting questions from someone that seems to know me or at least thinks they know me fairly well enough. I can only guess it’s someone on PB. These are questions that don’t seem like Kim would ask any more than family and former friends would ask. If Aly’s telling the truth about not asking me about fruity soda versus fruity water because they didn’t think I was a soda drinker, I can’t help but wonder who didn’t think I was. To say they didn’t think I was suggests they know at least some things about me.

You know, when I really sit and think about just how fucked up people are in general, it’s scary. I mean it’s downright scary. People are just so fucking cruel and crazy that it can be truly frightening to know that I have to live in a world like this every day.

Now Ohio has practically banned abortion and I’m just so sad for women in general because as unconstitutional as this is, I really do see at least most of the U.S. banning abortion eventually despite the fact that it’s not even murder and most of society seems to think a woman should focus only on careers and not family rather than being able to make up her own damn mind as to how she wants to live her own life.

Then Texas is supposedly proposing a bill making women who seek abortions eligible for the death penalty.

Reels with shock and confusion So let me get this straight…because you’re so pro-life and living and all that crap, you want to kill her instead or kill her as well? rolls eyes Only a state as fucked as Texas would come up with something this crazy but you know what? What really scares me is that the world and the laws are so damn crazy that it wouldn’t surprise me if one of these days something that insane really did come into effect.

Kill your fetus and we’ll make it a supposed double homicide by killing you too. Brilliant. Yeah, that’s the world I gotta live in.

Also, watching true crime docs never ceases to sicken and amaze me how sexual predators are released to do the same thing over and over again. Show me a case where this only happened once and these perverts didn’t re-offend once they were let go. Show me. Seriously, I’m 100% completely baffled as to why sex offenders aren’t either killed or locked up forever. They absolutely cannot be rehabilitated or changed any more than you can make straights gay or gays straight.

But people want to kill those who want to abort their unwanted fetuses? Really, what the fuck is wrong with people? Just what the fuck is wrong with this world that’s got so many things so twisted and backward? Kill the woman that dares to decide her own fate, but free the rapist?

OMG, I am never having sugar-free candy again! If I hadn’t lost my fucking memory I would have remembered just what it did to my stomach the last time I had it.

Tom figured out why Suki’s leg was all screwed up. One of her knees was bent in the wrong direction. I have no idea how it got that way but he realized that it wasn’t that they put a rotating joint in the knee but that it was the thigh joint that was twisted. Duh! Why didn’t I think of this myself?

Definitely ready for the weekend. Getting rid of the Caddy and going to some stores. Plus, we’re going to do some minor home repairs.

I had a couple of dreams about Kathleen and I wonder if it means I crossed her mind or she might actually call, but I would be willing to bet just about anything that I’ll never hear from her again. She’s had plenty of opportunities to contact me in the past yet she’s clearly not interested in being friends. She also never gave me her contact info when she asked for mine.

Regardless, I don’t remember what one of the dreams was about but in the other dream, I ran into her somewhere. She gave me a hug and then whispered something in my ear. At first I didn’t hear her and I had her repeat herself.

“Do you ever dream of me?” she asked.

“As a matter of fact, yes,” I said. “You were in my dreams last night.”

Then I had a dream that Nane might have been in. She had just come home from work. I don’t know what I was doing in her place but I said I would leave because I figured she would want to unwind alone and she said she didn’t want or need that or something to that effect.

In the last dream, I was in my forties and Tom and I were considering having me artificially inseminated.

But then we decided that since my body and health just isn’t what it used to be, we might foster an older child.

Tom said something about that being a possibility in 10 years and I said, “That’s what I was thinking. Someone who will be young enough to take care of us in the end if we need it.”

But then we scrapped that idea as well when we realized that in another decade we would both be getting kind of old. LOL

THURSDAY, APRIL 11, 2019
The loud car stuck around for 3 hours yesterday. If it came in later on, I don’t know.

I crashed at 5:30 the last two evenings and both times I was woken up an hour by something loud going by though I don’t know what it was. When I finally got up for good, all I remembered were bits and pieces of nonsensical dreams that I find hard to put into words, even as a writer.

Although I’m a bit dizzy, especially when I move my head, I’m definitely not as fatigued as I was yesterday. Yesterday I never could wake the hell up. It was so frustrating! I felt like something was trying to force me to choose between cutting my dosage and being exhausted (if there’s a connection there) and taking a full dose and being anxious.

It would be both good and bad if the dose cut turned out to solve my anxiety issues. Of course it would be good for obvious reasons and it would certainly be a simple solution… Just take a lower dose. That much would be easy. But I would really prefer to be able to take closer to what my body really needs.

In the end, I’m sure that being able to tell Dr. A when I see her on September 20th that the answer was in my dosage and that I’ve broken records as far as how long I’ve gone without anxiety is just a fantasy and that it’s going to get me again soon enough. A part of me wishes it would do it right now so I could just rule out the meds altogether and just go back to 75s where I have more energy. I still don’t know that the fatigue is completely tied into the dose anyway. Yes, I’m older now but why wasn’t I this fatigue before I was diagnosed? So I don’t think it’s all about the dose. I think it’s a combination of things. Thyroid, hormones, age, whatever.

I was able to go out walking, even if I only did 10 minutes. I saw the planes have been annoying me in the early mornings since last September. The sun had yet to rise but there was just enough light to see the two that headed east. They were definitely commercial airplanes that had taken off rather than preparing to land just as I suspected all along. Can’t say how high up they were but I’m guessing about 2000 feet. I could just make out the engine placement.

I’m definitely able to be more productive today even if I’m not exactly bursting with energy. I worked on my NaNo project. There’s no way I won’t nail my word count goal in plenty of time, so I can afford to skip a day here and there.

Tom now has a week and a half of days off accumulated and since our next anniversary is a big one being that it will be 25 years, he’s going to take some time off then. Not necessarily a whole week but since it falls on a weekend, maybe he’ll take a long weekend. Since he can control his schedule much easier than I can, he’ll match my schedule no matter what it is. I don’t know what we’re going to do at that time since it’s still a ways away.

I finished dusting the living room while Fuzzy tried hopelessly to break into the pigs’ cage while they remained hidden in their burrow. Those three-pound cowards absolutely must hide from that one-pound nightmare, hahaha.

Rockefeller’s so funny because he goes off when he hears Tom pull in. I was down in the bedroom which is far from where he pulls in. But Rockefeller is right by that wall, so even though I couldn’t hear him pull in, I knew when he did because Rockefeller let me know it.

Just wish I was healthier so I could devote more time to these furballs.

Found Aly’s account after forgetting the username when combing through comments I’d received and then I blocked it. Sooner or later I know she’s going to notice but hopefully, she’ll think it’s a glitch or something.

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 10, 2019
And the inevitable return of the loud car after a much too short break is… NOW. :( :( :(

Figured the driver hadn’t killed himself or been thrown in jail. Just gotta hope I get another break soon and that we don’t go back to having to hear the punk twice a day.

I managed to perk up yesterday but today I’ve been tired all day. It’s taken nearly half a day to get enough energy to do today’s cleaning. Don’t see myself mustering up enough energy to work out, though. I tended to the animals and now I’m pretty much going to do digital work for the remainder of my day. And have some crab rangoons which I haven’t had in a while.

Regular bedding is definitely the easiest when it comes to the pigs. Very easy to scoop out and dump in. But that would be a bit expensive so I’ll return to liners. Maybe there won’t be as much hay stuck to them because having the outside holder is definitely a lot less messy than the inside holder. The only thing that frustrates me is when I see Rockefeller pull a piece out and drop it on the floor instead of eating it. What, are not all pieces of hay the same?

Got groceries yesterday from Safeway and they had everything in stock. They’re definitely a lot more reliable than Walmart so since I’m sick of them being out of so many things and the tip-begging, we’ll use Safeway for now even if they’re more expensive.

Why do people always have to put celery in tuna salad? You don’t have to put celery in tuna salad any more than you have to look like a guy because you’re a lesbian. :-) Really, what’s the connection?

Back to the fatigue. I don’t know what to think. I’ve battled with it on and off for the last few years and as Tom pointed out, I seem to have it whether I skip pills, cut them, or take full doses. It wouldn’t surprise me if some of it was connected to that but if my only two choices in life are being anxious or tired, I’ll take tired.

Got rid of the eggplant-colored shag rug we had in the kitchen for over a year because the Roomba couldn’t vacuum it and neither could I. I would have to go over the same old spots over and over again with the hand vacuum so I decided to return to the ugly floor below. It’s too late in the game to get it right as far as the floors in this place go. I just consider this a practice house. It’s amazing how the floor makes the kitchen seem so much brighter all of a sudden since it’s a lot lighter than the carpet was. It’s to be picked up today when the bulk trash collectors get here.

TUESDAY, APRIL 9, 2019
I never could get myself to wake up yesterday. I was exhausted all day and had to really push through to get everything done that I wanted to.

Today I’m tired as well but not quite as tired since I slept better. Still calm but definitely a little more hypo and that could be what’s causing some of my fatigue. My skin is a little dryer and I sometimes get cold even when it’s 74 degrees in here. I’d rather fatigue than anxiety but it sure would be nice to have nothing at all for once! If by some miracle reducing my dose is the answer to stopping the anxiety, I should adapt. I wasn’t this tired when my TSH was in the 30s (it can’t be over 20) because that’s what I was used to. That’s why it was such a shock to my system when I was suddenly flooded with more thyroid.

It would be wonderful and awful if it turned out that my anxiety has been a dose issue. It would suck since I need the damn medication and that would leave me to wonder if most of it really was on hormonal changes, or worse, a condition I acquired that’s not going away.

But a dose issue would be too easy and nothing is that easy for me in life, so I’m sure the anxiety will return. It’s just a matter of whether or not it takes 4 or 5 days or 4 or 5 weeks.

There was a missed call from the Behavioral Health Department and since I doubt it was Stacey calling to say hi, I’m thinking it was the shrink with an early opening. The problem with that is that had I been around and answered they probably would have told me to come in that day or the next day which wouldn’t leave Tom enough time to take off to get me there.

Spent what seemed like forever with the animals yesterday. I honestly don’t remember guinea pigs being this much work. But then I was a lot younger, healthier and less fatigued the last time I had them. I just get tired of being their slave at times! I’m still not sure what type of bedding would be best to use for them. I’m trying to make it easier for me, less smelly, and less costly. Since we’re not rich, I would rather save money and work harder if need be. Still, I want to enjoy them more than I work for them!

I’ll probably use disposables for the rats and I guess I’ll go back to liners for the pigs because I don’t think the few short pieces of hay and shed fur will clog the washer since it breaks down in the water. Also, by the time I pull it out of the dryer, it looks brand new anyway. I also don’t think bedding is going to be any easier. They’d still need to be changed twice a week, although the second time may only require a partial change. So disposables for the rats, but I don’t know yet for the pigs. I put regular bedding in yesterday so we’ll see how it is tomorrow. I change liners every other day so if I have to do the same for the bedding, then the liners are the better deal.

Lost just over a pound so far after two days of dieting but I’m already so sick of it that I’m tempted once again to just be myself even if I would be healthier if I lost at least a little. I hate being hungry and I know that unless I damn near starve myself and walk a few hours a day, I’m not going to lose much more than another 2 or 3 lb. You can’t just cut back or “be a little more active” with thyroid disease.

Gotta catch up on NaNo. I wrote yesterday’s chapter but didn’t edit it. So I have one to write and two to edit. Doubt I’ll raise my goal count any higher. I’ll leave it at 12k, though I expect the story to hit at least 20k when it’s done.

Also gotta clean the master suite. When Roomba’s vacuuming for me, I’ll hang out in the living room while Fuzzy runs around. He was funny earlier when he climbed on Tom and immediately went to work trying to chew one of his earbuds that were dangling from his Hearphones.

Lastly, I want to work my arms and core.

MONDAY, APRIL 8, 2019
I’m tired so far today because I slept shitty. The pill cuts may have something to do with it too, but I kept waking up warm since my body now has to acclimate to the oncoming warmer weather.

Dreamed I weighed myself in kilos and first was 68, then 66. That’s 146 lb. Well, I’m down half a pound at 154, but highly doubt I’ll ever hit 150, let alone 146. Not unless I have a heart attack like Virginia, who Tom says lost a lot of weight when he saw her and Bob sitting out front on his way to pick up the mail. I’ll bet she has!

Wonder if they took her off her thyroid meds or if her weight loss affected how it affects her if they didn’t.

The pigs may be cute but timid, and Woody may also be cute but antisocial, but I sure had fun playing with Fuzzy yesterday. I call him a little copyrat cuz he copies my schedule. Even the fish is doing that now, LOL. Woody’s only let out weekly since he’s not the least bit obedient and rarely returns home on his own. In a cage I could damn near stand in, he’s got plenty of room to run, climb and get enough exercise there, so it’s not like he’s confined to a small space.

But my favorite little Fuzz bud was in and out and interacting with me as well as roaming around. He tries desperately to get into the pigs’ cage but I won’t let them near each other unless it’s out in the open as the pigs are terrified of him even if he weighs a third of what they do. When he last joined them in their burrow, the pigs ran out chattering their teeth.

After breakfast at McD’s, we went to Petco yesterday for fish compatible with bettas but were advised against it, even though I know dwarf frogs can live with them. I got those with fur some chew toys instead.

Gonna switch the pigs out to bedding later and put the fleece liners in the pen but not put it by their door. There’s no way these short-legged, fat-bodied guys could hop up through the door.

The Caddy can now barely run and pisses water like a horse when started. Since Candy’s proving to be very reliable, the Caddy will be off to the junkyard next weekend. Just not worth replacing its transmission, paying for gas, doing oil changes, and all the other shit you gotta do with gas cars. Now, if you like 500-mile road trips or you have a 45-minute drive to work, then a gas car is necessary. But I hate road trips, he doesn’t like to drive, it’s barely a half-hour to his job, so no more gas cars for us!

With summer fast approaching, it will be nice to have more space in the carport for getting the bike in and out.

I’ve got 5325 words in for NaNo, so I’ll be working on that today, working out, cleaning, etc.

SUNDAY, APRIL 7, 2019
Lit some baby powder incense and doubling up on NaNo today since I had a lot to do yesterday and was so tired that I skipped yesterday’s NaNo chapter. Did over 1,600 words tonight.

It’s been a peaceful night but yesterday morning I had to listen to that fucking punk who loves to gun his motorcycle. Still can’t tell where they are but I’m pretty sure they’re just over the wall.

Slept okay and a lot longer since I didn’t sleep as much the night before. Can’t remember much in the way of dreams but what little I barely remember seems to have been pretty neutral as opposed to the usual negative dreams I have.

Still tired, though. The pill cuts? Could be but I’m loving how much calmer I’ve been feeling. Yeah, since yesterday, virtually all traces of anxiety have diminished. If by some miracle it doesn’t return, then it was a dose issue. But when it does I probably won’t quit. If it was the meds themselves, then I’d have been anxious from day one. Not a few months later.

Couldn’t get into Numb3rs so I’m watching Nightmare Next Door instead. It’s just another crime doc. Really wish there were more American shows instead of mostly reality shows, documentaries, and foreign stuff.

Sometimes I find myself thinking of Marie. But do I actually miss her? Not really. She was just too moody for me. This doesn’t mean I don’t care about her, though, and hope she’s finally found her way in life albeit plenty late enough. At her age, I just don’t know, though. Did the bad things that happened to her as a kid permanently break her? Was she born the way she is? Both? I just don’t know. All I know is that I couldn’t take the lovey-dovey mood one minute, then the paranoid, delusional accusations the next.

I guess I’m a hypocrite because even though I just got done swearing I would never diet again since I can never lose more than a few pounds that come right back with my dead metabolism and shitty genetics, I really do gotta try to get down at least 10 lbs. That ain’t much but it definitely makes a huge difference down here at my height. I feel compelled to do it for health issues. It would lower my LDL score and hopefully lower my risk of diabetes as well since it runs in my family. I don’t care about my appearance and how I look to others, though. A person in the supermarket could think I was hideous while a person in the parking lot could think I was average and another thought I was above-average for all I care. All that matters is my comfort and health.

In trying to get the pigs to be a little braver, so when they scream for food and we walk over to the cage with veggies, if they run and hide they don’t get served. They now have to stand there and be served out in the open.

I know I should be more understanding of the fact that they’re wired the way they are but really, the scaredy crap gets old. I really do get tired of having animals that react as if I’m abusive and that are antisocial and prefer to be left alone. If it weren’t for Fuzzy being as affectionate as he is, I just may regret getting these guys. My special little Fuzz bud helps make up for the others’ cowardice.

With Woody, I don’t think it’s so much that he’s scared but would simply prefer not to bother with me. He doesn’t like to be picked up or petted. The pigs will eventually let me hold them without squirming to get away but not without a fight first. Like I said, wired that way or not, it really does get old. This is part of why I might consider a dog when he retires. I want a pet that won’t run when I approach it or fight me when I go to handle it. It’s just that I had always heard they were a lot of work and expensive. That’s not what my buddy says about her dog, though. Other than taking them for walks which I wouldn’t mind because I like to walk anyway, how much work could possibly be involved with a dog as opposed to a guinea pig who is constantly making a mess? I don’t think the cat was even this much work. Tempted to try regular bedding, which we still have, in the pigs’ cage and see how it holds up. It’s just that the hay is so damn hard to shake out of the liners, along with shedded fur. I should be able to scoop it out easily enough with the dustpan. These rats do well with liners so we’d still save a little money in the end and the fleece liners could be used in the pen.

Just got up and served everybody some blueberries and lettuce. The pigs not only let me serve them in the open but ate there as well.

Even Woody’s been a little more curious. He’ll never be like Fuzzy but he almost climbed out onto my shoulder from the upper level of the cage. Don’t know why, but rats like being up high, so they spend most of the time at the top of the cage. They’ll run downstairs to be let out but Woody’s gotten his outside privileges revoked for a while for refusing to go home when ordered to yesterday. I don’t even have to tell Fuzzy, though. He comes and goes and when I want him to stay in for a while, I can simply close his door. But not if Woody’s out. I’ll have to lock him upstairs next time I let Fuzzy run around.

Tom was pissed at himself when he returned from Sam’s yesterday morning and realized he left the bacon that was on sale in the cart.

I was pissed at my own self when I thought of all the doctor’s appointments I’ve had, mostly thanks to the fucking anxiety, since being in this house. It’s ridiculous. Just fucking ridiculous. Most people my age simply don’t go to doctors this much, so from now on, no matter how I feel, I’m determined to stick to the basics. PCP twice a year, ENT once a year, dentist twice a year, eye exam once a year. I’ll pass on the mammogram, pelvic exam and that other gross exam older people are supposed to have. So 6 a year.

As I asked her to, Aly found my my-diary entry easily enough as it had the same title as what I emailed her. Figured she’d find it. Every now and then I’ll post the same content publicly if there’s nothing too personal in it. She gets to read more of the health stuff and things that are more personal and weird.

SATURDAY, APRIL 6, 2019
I’m now watching Numb3rs. Let’s see how many episodes it takes to hear about racism.

Holding off on giving my buddy my link to my my-diary account for now for two reasons. One is that she gets what I share there plus more via email. Two is cuz I want to see if she stumbles upon it accidentally and realizes it’s me. I don’t use full names but I do use real first names, so I would think that between that and what I write about, it should be obvious enough. As I told her, I’m curious as to how easy I am to find and how obvious it is that it’s me.

While I would prefer not to be that easy to find I’ve decided to compromise with myself. I’m not going to cut myself off as much as I had been but I’m not going to make myself stand out like a sore thumb and make things too obvious for certain people either.

The guinea pig cage came and it’s awesome! It too, is huge like the rats’ cage and I could fit in it if I hunched over. The only thing is that you definitely can’t house rats in it unless they’re large. A fat rat like Burke would be suitable but these rats are a little on the small side and I wouldn’t be surprised if they found ways both in and out of the cage. Not sure the pigs are going to like that, LOL, but we’ll see.

The pigs spend most of the time hiding in the burrow but they otherwise seem much happier in this cage. I don’t think they feel threatened by the wider, more open bar spacing.

I’m not sure they can get on top of the burrow where the bowl is. A rabbit, sure, but since I don’t know that they could do it very easily, I placed their regular bowl down on the floor. The bowl is molded into the burrow. It’s actually two plastic pieces. The bowl is set in a mold so you can remove it for easy washing. Well, I took it out and gave it to the rats. The rats now have their tree stump burrow and both levels which they surely appreciate.

I’m trying both the cage’s hay holder as well as one of the ones we got that attach to the cage to see which one makes less of a mess. Things would be a lot easier if it wasn’t for them needing hey, but they do.

It’s a good thing I don’t plan to use the front door of the cage much because it’s horrible the way it’s designed. The two dome roof doors lift up easily enough and I should be able to lift the liner out of the cage from there rather than take the entire cage off of the base. And the pigs too, of course. Decided not to place the pen nearby since I just can’t see them jumping out to hang out there. They really prefer to be more enclosed. They’re really only out in the open when eating or playing.

Since it’s been a while and Woody doesn’t seem as spastic and as disobedient, I let him out today. He and his brother are around here somewhere as I write this. Of course they’ve had fun walking on the top of the pigs’ cage and are getting more playful with each other, too.

FRIDAY, APRIL 5, 2019
It’s been a surprisingly quiet night so far. Other than a faint car stereo and a few planes, most of the background noise I hear is too faint or far to be even remotely annoying.

Tom awoke early so we went out for a walk. So peaceful in the middle of the night. We’re on for rain again tomorrow. I know we really need the rain here but I wish it would stop already. I miss the sunshine which I have to miss out on enough of the time as it is with my schedule.

Applying lotion after my shower while I’m still wet has been making a remarkable difference in making my skin softer and moister. It’s a bit of a hassle because I have to let my skin air dry before I get dressed but definitely worth it.

Amazon is really pissing me off because they keep changing the day the pigs’ cage is supposed to arrive. It was supposed to come Wednesday, then Thursday, yet it still isn’t here.

Saw a headline about a guy in North Carolina who was arrested for abandoning his pet fish when he got evicted. Okay, I can totally see where people would be anti-animal abuse. After all, they do have feelings too. However, there’s something about this that seems a bit extreme. Maybe it’s wrong of me but I think it’s one thing to beat the crap out of a dog or a cat but to arrest someone for abandoning a fish is going a little too far. Hell, people catch, kill and eat fish all the time. I think there are more important things to jail people for but that’s just our twisted justice system’s warped sense of priority for you.

Still not remembering much in the way of dreams. Something about something bad happening in a large hotel I was staying at. I don’t know if it happened in our room or not but it was in one of the hotel rooms. I walked by its open door and found the room totally ransacked.

Not feeling safe, I ran down to the lobby after it seemed to take forever for the cops to arrive. Not sure who called them, but when they finally arrived, half a dozen or so lady detectives were sitting at a couple of card tables chatting. I asked if they were the police and they said yes. Don’t know what happened after that, though.

Anyway, I think I’ll go start the fifth chapter of my NaNo project while my chicken wings are baking.

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 3, 2019
Had a horrible, HORRIBLE night last night that it was almost scary. Just horrible anxiety that started early on and wouldn’t let up till the end of my day. It’s really pathetic that no doctor has been able to help stop this shit yet.

Here’s my plan… 6 weeks of 50s if I can stand it. If I’m still getting anxious come mid-May, I quit. If I’m still not better and the shrink can’t help, I’m gone on New Year’s. Enough is eFUCKINGnuff!!!

sighs with sadness, frustration and hopelessness If I just didn’t have this problem then my worst problems besides TMJ and LS would be cold, noise and occasional boredom. Oh, how I miss my old self! I want to go back! I want to go back in time so bad!

I always said the worst things would be being paralyzed or blind but I don’t know about that anymore. If I felt good while being confined to a wheelchair or feeling my way around, that may be the better deal. Having anxiety is like being thrown at random in a human-sized dryer and tortured on and off by viciously being tumbled round and round. You never know when you’re going to get thrown in that dryer or when you can get back out. It’s a shitty way to live!

But here’s the thing…a half-hour after taking my meds yesterday, I became anxious. So naturally one would blame the meds, right? Well, I took it today too, and I’m perfectly fine. I just don’t know what to think anymore. How is it that less than 24 hours ago I felt so miserable and wanted to kill myself whereas now I wouldn’t even know I had this problem if I didn’t know better? Tom still believes it’s mostly hormone-related rather than autoimmune and that it will eventually pass. Wish I could have his optimism but right now I have no reason not to think I’ll be tortured on and off for as long as I let myself live. I guess for now all I can do is enjoy the days when I’m not being attacked and tortured mercilessly by this shit. I’d forgotten about my full-spectrum light so I’m using that again when I’m on nights since I’m not getting much sun and hoping it will help keep me from feeling so bad at night.

I definitely seem to be worse when I’m on nights. It used to not matter but now there is a definite pattern. I’m also back to sleeping shitty but not because of traffic. I just seem to wake up a lot more often when I sleep during the daytime. Sometimes it’s to pee, sometimes it’s just because. I usually am able to go back to sleep, though.

I’m a little tired today but not too bad. I managed to let Fuzzy out for some exercise and change the pigs’ liner and things like that. Looking so forward to their new cage tomorrow!

Just when I thought they’d be stuck at the gate, then leave, someone let them in. The $21 set of rainbow silverware we ordered before he went to work this morning is AWESOME!!! If it holds up well over time I may get a 2nd set and replace all the plain silverware. It’s absolutely beautiful!

Had to watch another video on how to use the corkscrew we got. It’s a bit tricky and I’m not sure it’s worth it. Would rather pay a few more bucks for twist-off tops. Not sure I would notice the brand change if you gave me a glass of Barefoot Merlot and then Oak Leaf’s Merlot.

One of the Indian dolls I got centuries ago came with a decorative “blanket” which I put on top of the fish tank so he doesn’t always have to have bright lights shining down on him since I’ll probably start using my living room desk at night. Gives me variety and more time with the animals. Easier to jump on the treadmill, too.

Saw a fairly recent picture of Gloria, and gross! Just gross. I know I don’t look much better but she has definitely aged. She’s not as bad as Linda but she’s a lot like me.

Her daughter Emily is gay and her parents don’t seem to have a problem with it, which is nice to know. Emily isn’t as good-looking as her mom was but she’s pleasant enough. I would never think she and her girlfriend were gay. They both have long hair.

TUESDAY, APRIL 2, 2019
The Caddy is officially on death row. He runs it once a week in case we need it as a backup and said it barely ran the last time because it was so low on water. But Candy is doing great so Caddy and its busted radiator and failing transmission will be off to the junkyard in June. I would think the junkyard will have a field day picking apart this one. A Cadillac Seville? Goldmine!

The world does nothing but a bitch about climate change and all the things we’re doing to increase pollution and I don’t understand for the life of me why they won’t do something about it and make everything electric. Okay, so we don’t have to go and snatch everybody’s gas car away from them, but stop selling them for God’s sake! There really is no need for them anymore.

Checked in on Ask.

“When are you going to do it?”

The fuck is that supposed to mean??? shrugs Maybe I’ll answer with chapter 3 later on. Or at least what will fit into their character limits.

Although a cramp in my foot, a full bladder, as well as strange dreams I can no longer remember have woken me up a few times, I’m amazed to say that so far this week, traffic hasn’t woken me up. Could be a problem on Friday, though, unless I can use the buds comfortably enough.

Definitely fatigued yesterday, so unless I slept worse than I realize (not having that loud car around makes a huge difference… Until it returns and I have to put another spell on it), it could be the medication skips. Or the fact that I only slept 6 hours.

Had a “cold” spell and very faint traces of anxiety yesterday, but sure enough, as soon as I start 50s today, it’s increased. Still gonna stick it out a while and see how I do. This should tell me in the end of it’s the dose or the meds. Just don’t know why I didn’t have anxiety the first 3.5 months on this shit when I was on the 50s. Guess it goes to show that other factors really are influencing the anxiety as well.

I’m just so tired of this shit. Just so, SO fucking tired of this shit and I can really see myself ending it all at the end of the year if it doesn’t back off when I’m postmenopausal. There are only so many more years of this shit I can take. It’s wearing me down and totally getting in the way of life and my general sense of well-being. I could still quit the meds and get that out of the equation if it is a factor or at least influencing other factors, but first I want to see if I can stick the 50s out a while. I’m just sick of trying to figure this out and how no one seems to be able to help me either. Clearly, if there is anything up there it doesn’t give a shit how I feel or what happens to me.

If hormones don’t settle in or the doctors can’t end this shit this year, I will. That’s my promise to myself no matter who it may hurt in the end that I leave behind. Sometimes we all gotta think of ourselves first and foremost. I promise myself… somehow the anxiety really will be over this year. I just hope I don’t have to kill myself to end it. However, I just don’t see this eventually going away on its own as Tom does. I wish I could believe he was right but each year that I have it, even though I’m not yet postmenopausal, my hopes fade.

This is too weird. In the crime documentary series I’m watching, there’s a detective with long brown hair and brown eyes named Michele M. Well, a character in my book that’s a detective with long brown hair and brown eyes is also named Michelle M but with two L’s.

I now have 1569 words done! And a beautiful metallic rainbow tumbler, too. Just wish it had more pink and purple rather than mostly blue and gold.

The Oak Leaf Merlot I got is corked. Could have sworn it looked like a twist top online. Will have to order a corkscrew then.

Aly and Cam are looking into the requirements for adopting a foster kid and I can’t help but wonder how the hell she’s going to be able to afford that when she’s in debt and makes little money. Cam would have to do most of the supporting. The question is what will happen to the kid when they break up. Also, if she thinks she doesn’t have much free time now, just wait. Still, I hope it works out for them if it’s what they want and that they don’t get too down if it doesn’t since life isn’t usually like a buffet. You can’t just go up and get what you want from it.

They’re to be renting a house for $930 and were told they’re just what the neighborhood was looking for, people with no little kids, who keep to themselves, and are both employed. She didn’t say how big the house was or how many bedrooms or how old it is.

Wish this place was looking for no loud vehicles, visiting or residing!

She doesn’t make much money so I’m guessing Cam’s house is all paid for in order for them to afford to rent and own (though they may rent Cam’s house). Wish we could have run off and rented something to escape the circus next to us in Phoenix!

It’s just so weird, though. I have never heard of a house or building with an unfixable mouse problem. Never.

MONDAY, APRIL 1, 2019
Tomorrow (I would have started today had I not misplaced the GP’s nail clippers) I will be clipping a third of my pills so it’s like I’m taking 50s again. No real anxiety yesterday or as much head pressure. Today my head’s “buzzing” a bit, whatever that means, and I’m a bit tired. Although I miraculously managed to sleep through traffic, I’m probably tired due to the medication skips but maybe not. Sometimes it seems people just get tired. That’s okay. I can lie down as often as I want to throughout the night, including while I’m talk-typing the second chapter of my NaNo project.

Back to the medication. I’m going to see how I do with “turning” my pills into 50s every day. If I do well all the way on up to when it’s getting close to my next trip to the lab, I’ll message Dr. A and tell her I’ve got to go back to 50s regardless of what the numbers will say.

As I was falling asleep, I was racking my brains asking the same question I’ve been asking for years now… What do I do next???

Remembering that I never had a problem during the three and a half months I was on 50s half a decade ago, I figured that was the best place to start would be to go back in time to before I started having problems.