February 2019 in 2010s

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 28, 2019
Slept well again but I really think it’s only because of the weather and also that the loud car hasn’t been around lately. I’m sure we’ll hear it this weekend for sure.

Had a major breakthrough with the rats, especially Fuzzy. He’s become way less timid and way more curious, friendly and social. First rat I ever had that started off so timid and seemingly hopeless that became so much fun. Tom thinks it’s because they were so much younger when we got them than what we usually get that I was able to train them. I can really see how the kid that trained Tinkerbell and made her the gem that she was got her used to being around people. She wasn’t bought from a chain but from a family-owned store in which the owners’ kids handled the babies.

I’m sorry I started off a bit regretful of getting the rats and will enjoy the short 2-2.5 years they live. What’s with Fuzzy’s curly whiskers, though? LOL, they’re pretty curly compared to most rats.

The rats have been here one month as of two days ago. Definitely want to start feeding them blocks soon after seeing how long the 3 stooges lived on them. Gonna go easy on unhealthy treats too, to help prolong their lives and keep them from gaining too much weight as they age.

While it would be better if it didn’t rain in case the roof decides to leak, it’s going to suck when it stops. It’s been keeping things so much quieter. But after today it’ll probably be back to tons of loud traffic and planes galore. :(

I’m still looking for some kind of fun activity to do mostly when I’m alone and don’t feel like doing anything else. Something I really look forward to doing that I’m not going to get sick of soon enough. It’s just that nothing that may have appealed to me in the past appeals to me now. So I think, think, think and my mind always comes back to role-playing where I basically play pretend as I would when I was a lot younger. Maybe “act out” some story ideas. In the past, I would make like I was hanging out and chatting with someone I may have wished I’d known or that was totally imaginary.

But what would I chat about with this imaginary friend that often? And how would it be any more entertaining than talking right here in my journal or on Bubbly?

Oh yes, Bubbly. I almost wish I hadn’t told Aly about that site. I realized she could find the second account I created if she ever decided to use the site regularly so I stopped using it. But I can’t know if she’s checking my main account there from time to time or not.

As crazy as it sounds, the idea of role-playing makes me hesitant because I would feel like I was being watched somehow. I know it’s ridiculous as who the hell would be watching? I’m sure Tom has no reason or desire to hide cameras and spy on his wife so I don’t know why I think I would feel that way, but I just do.

Thought of using my “pic powers” again as that would surely pass the time because that’s more than just pretend, but for some reason, I don’t think it’s wise to go down that road again after so long. Don’t know why I feel that way, but something just says it’s best not to bother.

As Tom suggested, I can always return to the clubhouse once the weather clears up. It’s just that they seem to want me to be consistent with workouts and I hated doing the routines to the same music every single time. Maybe I’ll just go at random times but not with a specific plan in mind. Perhaps I should try again to check out that arts and crafts thing. I did get the backpack for the supplies after all.

Still not sure what I’m doing for Camp NaNo in April but I’m doing something either way. For now, I’m just trying not to think…five more years. Five more long years is how much longer we have to be in this cold, noisy place. It’s better than jail and I know I won’t get much more peace no matter where we end up, but that still doesn’t mean I look forward to another half a decade in this place.

Or anxiety. Yeah, I was fine yesterday, but today, after going back on my meds after 2 days off, I’m a bit on edge again. :(

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 27, 2019
Glad to say I slept great and am less hungry today. Alexa played brown noise continuously in addition to my white noise on the stereo, and nothing woke me up. Don’t know if this means nothing loud went by or if I just happened to get lucky. Awfully hard to believe nothing loud went by between the hours I slept but I’ll keep doing this and we’ll see. No reason I couldn’t add the headband when I’m back to crashing really early in the morning. Hopefully, I won’t need the earbuds until we’re in a Florida hotel looking for a place to live and hopefully, it won’t be for nearly 9 months like the last state change. Gotta keep the Bluetooth plugged in, though, since I usually sleep 8-9 hours and its battery life is only for 5.

I’m amazed that I didn’t gain weight with the 2100 or so calories I had to have consumed yesterday. I think it’s most likely my body is still having some PMS symptoms even though I haven’t had a period in a while. Until I go over a year without one, I’m probably going to have some hormonal shifts where I exhibit symptoms of grumpiness, water retention, backaches or hunger which are the symptoms I would have most before periods.

Hunger usually means your body is burning extra calories and it’s true that I ate and ate and ate while my body burned and burned and burned most of it up. Seriously, I just couldn’t stop eating and for the first 10 hours of my day, nothing could quell my hunger. Finally, I had to convince myself to take a break before I got sick and it’s amazing that I didn’t at least get heartburn. I think it would help if I not only increased my water intake but protein as well. It’s just that protein usually has more cholesterol.

Liking to try new things, I got thin slices of beef which I fried in a skillet in a marinade sauce called Caribbean Jerk. I looked at the ingredients of different sauces and marinades because I don’t like anything too tangy or spicy, and it’s pretty good. The meat is a little tough, though.

Trying to make sure I drink at least two liters of water a day to keep hydrated. Tom said my “happy hour” dehydrates me, too. After being up for 12 hours, I have my own little happy hour and have a wine cooler. Then after I’ve been up 14 hours, I read for the last couple of hours of my day. So I have a schedule without a schedule. Today’s happy hour will be a homemade screwdriver.

Every now and then I feel a quick pulsing cramp in my right ear so it’s not 100% better. Plus, I’m still slightly off-balance but not much. A little tired because I skipped my meds twice. I’ll start them again tomorrow.

Looked back in my journals, and while I can see when we got the earbuds, I can’t tell if the head pressure began before or after getting them. I just wonder if it could be connected to whatever’s going on with my ears. I oiled them both and I’m going to have him do an alcohol and peroxide dump in the right ear when he gets up.

Just thought of another keyword to look for in my journal and yes, I did have the pressure in my head upon standing up before the earbuds hit the scene. I think it started at the beginning of last year. It was last June that we got the earbuds.

After doing some cleaning yesterday I had shoulder pain for about an hour in my left shoulder which I’ll be sure to note in my health blog.

After having a bit of a tough time getting ahold of someone at my dentist yesterday, Jessica answered and I was able to bump my appointment with Holly up a week since there’s no way I’m going to make our original appointment. My PCP appointment is fine, though, and I don’t need to reschedule her. If I push my schedule a little each day I could make Holly but that would throw me off for Doc A a few days later.

Kathleen’s voice is still on the outgoing message and I’m still wondering why people in their 50s and 60s would agree to get together with those they have no intention of getting together with.

Since it’s looking likely that we will need to get another car while we’re still in the state, he’s been looking on and off and I told him I had a vision that what we end up getting will be green and made in 2006, but I don’t know what it is. It’s definitely not a van but it may be either a large car or a small SUV. Can’t get the make and model or anything else.

I was watching a documentary about the Nostradamus Effect on Hulu which, depending on the way you interpret his writings, shows that he predicted two of the three Antichrists he saw. One was Napoleon, the other was Hitler, and supposedly the third Antichrist is now among us but may not know he’s the third Antichrist.

Then it explains The Rapture, something I learned about a long time ago, which I think is the most ridiculous of all the supernatural theories I’ve ever heard. I do believe in the supernatural to a degree and while I’m still not sure if there is a God or an afterlife, like millions of people are really going to suddenly disappear and tons of dead bodies are going to fly up from their graves to be sent to heaven? But if we don’t need bodies in the afterlife in the first place, why not just take their souls if there is such a thing? And what about those who have been cremated that were firm believers? Bunch of crap if you ask me, but if not, then I guess I’ll be around for the 7-year tribulation.

When you exclude weekends, holidays and vacations, Tom should now have less than 1000 days left to work before he retires. This doesn’t mean he might not get something part-time for extra money after we get settled in Florida, though. Having five more years to work seems like such a long time but I get his perspective. When he compares that to how many years he’s already worked, it seems like nothing. Well, let’s just say I’m glad time goes by faster when you get older!

Other than fatigue and that strange vibrating sensation in my head, it rained steadily all day yesterday and it’s been doing the same ever since I got up a few hours ago. It definitely didn’t rain like this in the desert! Not even in Oregon.

I found a random story plot/character generator and just for kicks I wanted to see what it would come up with for a character profile and it was pretty interesting.

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 26, 2019
Been having these tiny dry patches of skin once again on random parts of my body, so I looked them up and it’s usually not a sign of a disease (though it could be connected to being hypo or diabetes). It’s probably mostly age. Read that if you apply moisture while the skin is still damp it locks in moisture better, so I’m going to try this and see if it helps.

I also read that harsh soaps and overly hot water can cause dry patches, which makes sense. They say you only really need soap on your face, underarms, groin, feet and hands. But I like to scrub my skin with the buffing gloves to scrape dead skin off which can also leave my skin feeling dry yet the gloves slide better over my skin if I soap them up.

The best news… I’m better! Not perfect but much better than these last 2 days. What a relief! I’m so sick of suffering. I just want nothing to complain about other than noise for one solid week. Why is that so much to ask for in my early 50s???

Doesn’t mean my sleep is any less cursed. When whatever is cursing my sleep isn’t using traffic against me, it’s using my own body. I woke up with horrible hunger pains because I stopped eating six or seven hours before bed instead of three or four. We both binged in the morning after running to Walgreens, but I didn’t end up having much. I was hungrier later on but didn’t want to overdo the sodium since all I really have right now are frozen dinners, fruit and crackers, the last two of which aren’t very filling. So I didn’t have anything and woke up so hungry my stomach almost hurt. I got up and had a banana which didn’t do much for me but it was something.

Today I’m going to stuff the shit out of myself and probably go closer to the standard 2000 calories when I’m usually closer to 1,500. If I’m not that hungry, though, then I won’t eat since I only eat when I’m hungry. Also, if I’m sick or overly depressed or anxious I won’t eat then either. The last couple of days I hadn’t been that hungry which I guess is maybe because the pressure of dieting was off me. I still have a good many days where I’m pretty hungry, like today, and I don’t know why. I don’t have any medical conditions causing it but I have heard that most of us do get hungrier with age and I know I sure seem to. I know there are certain conditions and medications, like in the case of my buddy, that can have the opposite effect, but damn am I hungry a lot of the time! I’ve already consumed 800 cals in the 5 hours I’ve been up and I’m still hungry.

Read up on some of the possible reasons as to why and found not only some obvious explanations but that shitty sleep could be a factor as well. One thing that struck me as odd was that it could mean you’re dehydrated and that a lot of people mistake thirst for hunger. How the hell can you mistake thirst for hunger? Wouldn’t that be like mistaking period cramps for a toothache? Either way, I just guzzled some water and it seems to help a bit. I admit I didn’t drink much in the last few hours before bed as I didn’t want to wake up having to pee.

Anyway, we think that part of what made me feel bad overall was the dieting itself. I just can’t handle diets like I used to in my twenties and thirties. I need to eat when I’m hungry and not let it get too bad because the hungrier I get, the harder it is to get rid of. I will definitely never diet again for sure. It’s one thing to go easy on certain ingredients and avoid sodium and cholesterol as best I can, but I’m not cutting my calories down to 1200 or less again. It just makes me feel too shitty. If I had my old metabolism, I might be able to lose a little on 1500 as long as I kept active, but there is still the fear of how my medication may react to significant weight loss anyway. Bodyweight influences dose as well as the life of the thyroid and I don’t want to risk inviting it to pummel my heart all over again. There is nothing more terrifying than feeling your heart start pounding and racing in your chest when you’re home alone and not doing anything strenuous. You totally believe you’re dying of a heart attack.

I also think that being woken up so often is also affecting my health and as I told Tom, if we don’t solve my inability to sleep through traffic more often, then we need to move. I have no idea where the hell we would go since loud traffic is everywhere, especially in cities with warmer climates. But something’s got to be figured out once and for all because my ear can’t take the earbuds. If I could get myself to always lie on my back or my left side, I could handle them. It’s when I shift onto the ear they’re in that I have a problem.

I used the headband speakers instead and they work great if I’m lying on my right ear, but if I’m on my back or left side, they’re worthless. They have to be pressed snugly against my ear in order to block sound but at least they don’t go inside the ear like the earbuds. Thinking of looking into pillow speakers, but again, unless my good year is lying right smack dab on top of it, it may not do me any good.

All I know is that this is just fucking ridiculous and I’m sick of it! Light sleeper or not, sleeping during the day half the time or not, nobody’s place should be this fucking noisy. But because so many people just have to put on a show with their loud attention-getting vehicles, I have to suffer. Maybe someday the lawmakers will actually make some sensible laws that we could use and not make the vehicles 100% silent but make them not sound like a fucking rocket is tearing down the street either. This can be done to all vehicles, including motorcycles. Don’t know about things like UPS, though, but there’s really no excuse for the insane number of loud vehicles on the road these days any more than there is for the boom car stereos.

Might take my Bluetooth speaker and add that to the white noise played on the stereo. If I play Alexa’s Sleep Sounds Brown Noise, it gives me a broader range of pitch which can help. The lower-pitched sounds are harder to drown out.

There’s something else that’s not great but it’s not at all surprising. I was a bit anxious yesterday so I skipped my meds today, placebo effect or not. Yeah, I knew being able to blame most of it on the Amberen was just a dream. I know this problem is mine for life and that it will always come and go. Drinking an extra wine cooler didn’t help, unfortunately. I have yet to find anything that stops it once it starts. After all these years it’s obvious I’m not meant to.

Another thing I’m still dealing with that’s annoying is this strange head pressure when I stand up, especially if I’ve been sitting for a while. That could be dehydration, too. Time to start making sure I drink at least 64 ounces of water a day!

For some reason, I hate it when people leave me long notes on Prosebox. I should have known my last entry would generate a lengthy note from Jinn. It was a fine note and she’s a nice lady, it’s just that she regularly goes overboard with her notes and it gets old. I guess I just don’t have the patience to sit there and read long notes any more than I have the patience to read long journal entries unless they’re super interesting.

Not much else going on this rainy night other than that I now have over 17k pins on Pinterest.

Meant to post this earlier but Tom got up early and we ended up chatting and playing with the animals. The rats were the most fun they’ve ever been, climbing all over me and running around. Only Fuzzy hung with me and came out today but at least he went home on his own. Woody doesn’t mind being petted and handled as much either. They sure love to hang out with the piggies, too.

We looked at pillow speakers but nah. I’m tired of fighting for something I’m obviously not meant to have. When they let me sleep, great. When they wake me up, oh well. So I’ll be tired and unable to work out or play with the animals as much on those days. It won’t kill me. Then maybe someday we’ll have a place 15’ from the road instead of 5’ and the bedroom won’t be right on it.

Actually, Google Maps says it’s about 38’ from the bed to where the closest cars drive by. Really? That’s hard to believe. It’s definitely a lot closer from the wall of the bedroom, which would be the closet, to the start of the street. Either way, they’re so insanely loud these days that I could really use at least 100’ even though I’ll never get that.

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 24, 2019
OMFG, the loud car stereo that went by shortly after 7 may have even woken Tom up. LOUDEST EVER! I both felt and heard it loud and clear. Adult parks are nothing like they used to be. I know we’re never going to be the 100 feet away from the road I’d need to be to protect my sleep (until things get even louder), but if we could get a few more feet than this and less traffic in Florida, at least I could go back to being woken up a few times a month instead of a few times a week. Thunderstorms may make up for it, but oh well. I’m used to shitty sleep and noisy places, like it or not. At least this time around I finally got to sleep without being woken up. I just didn’t feel the least bit refreshed upon waking up. I could tell before getting up that I was in for a dizzy day, too. Thought it might be better today, but it isn’t.

Geri had some loud diesel truck at her place hauling something in or out like she does every now and then. Not sure what the hell that’s all about. The truck is now parked in front and it looks like a washer and dryer are sitting in back of it.

Of course there have been planes too, but not so bad these last few days.

Now I’m hearing what might be gunshots. Can’t say for sure.

I woke up feeling anything but refreshed, as I said, even though I slept quite a while. Beginning yesterday I’ve been having that same kind of dizziness and fatigue I had at the end of last year before I saw Doc A and my good ear appeared to be clogged up. She said it’s possible to get a cold where its only symptoms are fatigue and dizziness, but I don’t feel like I have a cold and my schedule has pretty much grounded me indoors so I haven’t been anywhere lately where I could get sick.

Since Tom has the control over his schedule that I can only dream of having, he’s going to get up a little earlier so we can go to Walgreens for a few treats. Funny how now that I decide to binge till I pop, I’m not even that hungry. For the most part, I just eat when I’m hungry and that’s what I feel best doing, even if that means having 1500 to 2000 calories a day. That’s what my body feels it needs. At 1200 or lower I feel horrible.

Anyway, we’ve been oiling both ears because my bad ear has build-up and my good ear is waxy because of the earbud. Still feel pretty out of it. Mustering up enough energy to stay on the skier where I’m at now isn’t easy.

I’m just tired of having one fucking problem after another! When can I go one lousy week where I don’t have any issues? Minor things that we all have, I can see, but this is just fucking ridiculous. Yeah, I’m glad I’m not anxious but suffering is suffering and I’m tired of it. I never should have gotten these rats not just because I knew damn well they would be overly timid, but because I feel bad that they want to come out and run around and I just don’t have the energy to keep up with them. If it weren’t for me having good balance, I would have hit the floor a few times by now. No way we’re getting a dog after he retires. No way. Not only would it be my shit luck that I’d get one so timid it wouldn’t come near me and I’d have to practically chase it to get it to go outside or whatever, but by then, who knows what kind of health I’ll be in.

This dizziness seems a bit extreme for clogged ears, especially since the R ear is better and the L ear has never made me dizzy before. Never been diagnosed with anemia before (if anything my red blood cell count is slightly high), and my blood sugar is definitely not too low since it was 111 yesterday before eating. I was surprised and dismayed to find my blood sugar over 100 after we tested it for the first time in centuries with his home testing kit. He’s always been borderline diabetic but I’m guessing that since we already made it to our fifties and sixties without needing medication for it despite both our mothers being diabetics as well as other family members, we probably won’t ever need treatment. Not if I keep active. It’s just that while it’s simple enough to not overdo the sugar, I can’t always be active if I feel dizzy or run down. 4 minutes was all I could do on the treadmill and now I’m lying in bed and feeling like I could just close my eyes and drift off. Only problem is the house needs to be cleaned and I do have pets, like it or not. They at least deserve some attention. Tom feels confident it’s my ear, saying that when you’re dizzy lying down it’s almost always that. I can’t think of anything else it could be but I wish I knew for sure. It seems like it lasted close to a week the last time I had it. I’m making a point of documenting things better.

Another thing that seems to be getting worse and worse is my vision. I wonder if my vision would be this bad if I wasn’t on this medication which is also listed as possibly causing blurred vision. Tom thinks I would. Yeah, probably so. At age 42 my vision had progressed to where it usually is at age 48, the age I was when I started levothyroxine.

I just hope to hell I don’t get anxious since we’re coming up on Monday morning. Hate this time of the week.

I created a template and made a health blog on Blogger but decided to keep my second Twitter account for throwing on pictures whenever I wake up and take my vitamins so I can keep track of that as well. I did a poll on my main Twitter account asking if people thought I should keep the other account for wakeup and vitamin times, deactivate it, or do something else with it. I wanted to see if I would get any yeses, which I would guess would be from Aly, and I did. One yes and one deactivate it.

Another pit bull mauling. Why is it always them? I get that how you treat an animal influences its behavior, but sadly, many animals are mistreated. So why is it only them to fight back, or at least mostly them? Every now and then I hear of a German Shepherd or a Rottweiler being involved, but it seems like 90% are pit bulls. Well, fortunately, Aly’s was treated well before she got it because it’s been a very friendly dog, even if it’s only part pit.

I think the bad dream that I thought I had three nights ago was connected to Nissan. Something about her and maybe others trying to legally screw me. Good thing my trolling days are behind me and I won’t be messing with her then.

Two nights ago I had a dream I was on probation again, and once again Scot B was my PO. But this type of probation required me to stay in some kind of group home. I don’t know what my charges were but I was being moved to a different home and worried that they wouldn’t transfer my medication since we weren’t allowed to pack ourselves.

I was playing around with this guy in the dream and we were playfully shoving each other but Scot got the wrong idea and told the guy, “If you hurt her I’ll (something very threatening).”

In last night’s dream, I was decorating the front of Bob & Virginia’s place only it looked much different. The places were bigger, they had actual yards and were on a dead-end. I found some animal statues to place around the front of their place and when I looked upward, I saw this giant arch over their driveway and realized I couldn’t reach its ledge to decorate it as well, so I told Bob he could deal with that much himself.

Then I was trying to find a new home for 3 rats and Paula offered to take them, but I didn’t want to leave them in the hands of someone so dumb and unstable.

So I decided I was going to keep the rats for myself but I didn’t want anyone to know for some reason, so I snatched a bag of bedding from somewhere as I was walking down a street and cutting through a parking lot when some guy asked what the hell I was doing.

I shrugged and smiled and said, “Oh, just looking for a place for these guys.

Then I quickly crouched behind a bush on the corner of a street the next block over. It was dark and I wasn’t facing the street but could tell a large dog passed by behind me by the sound of its footsteps and the way it was breathing. I quickly jumped up and started running, hoping it wouldn’t spot me and give chase, and it didn’t.

Then there was something about seeing Stacey. I’m not sure if I was discussing it or I actually did but I guess I did because I was walking through a parking lot with Tom and heading toward our car when I sensed her watching me through a window and felt a bit self-conscious which isn’t something I usually feel unless it’s someone I like or care about.

Then I suddenly pulled the door handle of the wrong car and an alarm started sounding. Tom had somehow gotten several yards ahead of me when this happened and some kind of cop or security guard came hurrying toward me as I explained it was a mistake. The guy was smiling, but Tom, who was standing further behind him, was sort of looking at me like I’d lost my mind.

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 23, 2019
OMG, it burns me up every time I read about the US sending aid to foreign countries. When are we going to finally take care of our own for once? When do the people right here get to matter first and foremost? Maybe we should all go on strike and refuse to pay taxes and teach the government that we want the money we earn or our spouses earn to pay for our own needs and not a bunch of strangers in another country, some of which make their own damn problems to begin with.

I think I’m going to forget about dieting. I just hate the way diets make me feel and my weight is the least of my concerns right now. Right now, I just want to be able to sleep during the fucking daytime without having to wear earbuds that cause wax buildup to irritate me because people can’t shut the fuck up. After the first few hours of sleep, they woke me up every half hour. Fucking trash and green waste trucks, the loud car, plus God knows what else. Really miss the days when they simply came by to pick up the trash and that was it. They were gone. Now they have to make a big fucking production out of it, winding in and out of streets and going back and forth, so I hear them for hours. Several times I swear they’re at our place dumping our shit just to find they haven’t gotten to us yet.

I really, REALLY miss the days when all I needed to sleep with was a fan or an air cleaner and that would drown almost everything out except for the sonic booms we had in Maricopa. Yet I didn’t have to deal with sonic booms nearly as much as loud traffic. Sometimes we would go months without hearing any but here we don’t even go a day without something insanely loud roaring through here. It’s sad that people are dumb enough to believe that louder is more powerful and that there’s so much insecurity in this world that people feel the need to stand out and get any kind of attention they can from anybody they can. When you think that bad attention is better than no attention, you’ve really got a problem.

I think Tammy was either playing the noise down at her place or she was lucky enough to get into an unusually quiet place. I doubt she was playing it down because drama queens don’t usually do that, especially Tammy, so I think she just got damn lucky. I can’t picture her willing to put up with a place this noisy.

But I refuse to run. First of all, I’ve tried running from noise for decades to no avail. It’s never done me any good. I just go from noise to noise. Secondly, most places are more expensive than here and we still can’t leave the state without a job or a retirement check. Besides, all places are noisy these days unless you’re either rich or you go way out in the middle of nowhere. Really, if you can’t sleep in an adult community of all places, you ain’t sleeping anywhere if you’re a light sleeper trying to sleep in the daytime.

So I thought about my different options. First I thought that going in the opposite direction and turning off all sound machines completely may help me get used to sleeping through shit, but I know I would only wake up every few minutes instead of every half hour to a few hours if I did that. No one wants to be that tired even if they don’t have much to do the following day.

Then I thought I might try to hold my schedule but if I could do that there would be no such thing as circadian rhythm disorder.

I asked Tom on a scale of 1 to 10 how hard it would be for him to pull a 24 if he had to and said about a 2. He has always been amazingly flexible compared to me, that’s for sure! So I don’t know if I can do it but I’m going to try to stay up until 4 p.m. and reverse my schedule. The less I have to sleep during the daytime, the better. I’m not the heavy sleeper he is. I don’t think anyone else in the world is as light of a sleeper as I am.

I totally, totally feel cursed in the noise and sleep department! Maybe not so much with noise because it’s noisy everywhere these days. Then again, I don’t know because I heard the woodpecker shortly after getting up that no one else around here seems to hear but us.

But being cursed in the sleep department is a no-brainer. It’s bad enough to have circadian rhythm disorder but did I really have to be a light sleeper on top of it? If there is any bastard above that cursed me with the sleep disorder, couldn’t it have had the decency and the heart to at least let me sleep through more things? I feel like I only end up punished every time I try to help myself. Like the wax is my punishment for the earbuds which have been the most helpful solution so far of the 10 million things I’ve tried in this place. Had to Debrox that ear to break down the wax and was very dizzy last night.

I start to want to scream when I think of all the years we have left here but again, why bother? I’m only going to hear the same shit wherever we end up. As much as I want to live in a tropical climate like Florida and as much as it’s cheaper there, I sometimes wonder if Florida wouldn’t be very smart because of the risk of hurricanes, the humidity, and because I would probably get even less sleep there with storms waking me up. But I would really, really love to live there! I don’t think we’ll be able to get a place on the ocean and I don’t think we’ll have any kind of yacht or boat or anything like that but I would still love to live there. If for any reason we don’t, then I guess the next thing to consider would be the Nevada desert. Maybe New Mexico, but I highly doubt it. There are even more illegals there. As long as it’s not Arizona, Texas or Utah. Texas hates women and gays, Arizona hates almost everybody, and Utah has too many kids. If only I was oblivious to cold and snow. In that case, maybe we would go join Aly in Nebraska. Freezing, snowing, mouse-ridden, cold as fuck Agent P, who had a much better dream about us than I did, LOL.

I guess I was working in a pet store and telling someone we met 13 years ago when she came into the store. I had a thick brown braid that you could tell was curly, a purple sweatshirt with a rat face on it, and a pink and white skirt. Amazing just how accurate a description that is, too! I have everything but the rat face on the purple sweatshirt. That’s actually on a brown shirt. I guess I was trying to sell her some kind of long-haired rat that doesn’t exist, haha.

Guess she isn’t trying to avoid me, after all.

The only thing I remember dreaming about last night was swimming in this canal with this grassy bottom that felt gross and weird.

There was also a dream where Tom and I were walking somewhere when it looked like a couple was about to get into a physical fight. I moved toward them ready to defend the woman but before I could get a chance to slug the guy or whatever I was going to do to him, a crowd of people jumped him.

Seems like I might have had some other dream that was kind of scary but I don’t remember it.

Anyway, despite all the chaos in the daytime, it’s been an amazingly quiet night so far. I thought I would have to deal with a barrage of planes but maybe in the morning instead. Again I wonder, am I not hearing anything because the wind is going in a different direction than usual? Or are they just not flying tonight?

Read another side effect that the doctors would no doubt deny my medication is capable of is increased hunger. I wonder if that’s part of why I’m always hungry and can’t stand the hunger of dieting. I guess I’m just meant to be a big girl and that’s okay. :-) No, I’m not as healthy or as flexible as I may be if I was slimmer, but I am the way I was meant to be. At least I’m making a point of being active. I’m actually on the skier now.

I’m just tired of all the contradictions out there. My endo told me to double up the next day if I forget a dose while I read not to do that. I also read that you shouldn’t take aspirin on this medication, but I mentioned it to my PCP back when I was taking it to protect my heart and she didn’t say anything. I stopped taking it when new studies said it didn’t really do much good and said screw my heart. It can’t beat forever anyway.

But who do you believe? Who is right? Tom swears my endo said not to double up when he was with me when I saw her one time but I don’t remember that. I remember her saying just the opposite when I saw her by myself. As I told dear hubs, I may forget things people have actually said, but I don’t remember things they didn’t say. :-)

Tom will be going to Sam’s Club in the morning. One of the Lean Cuisines I got turned out to be spicy. So I read online that milk helps with the burning. I took a mouthful and swished it around in my mouth and it really did work!

Kim nephew’s 20-year-old girlfriend has been squealing on her, so she says. She tells the monster-n-law whenever she catches her doing something she’s not supposed to do.

I’d really love to be a little fly on the wall watching that family for a day or two. I bet it would be highly interesting and very entertaining.

So let me get this straight. The rats will run if I approach them for cuddles and playtime but they won’t budge when I approach them to shoo them downstairs so they don’t steal the pigs’ lettuce? Yeah, they really pissed me off last night. I let them out and they seemed almost playful-like when I’d playfully wave a hand toward them. Then they decided they just had to veg out on that wonderfully comfortable carpet under their cage (after pissing on it to mark their territory). After a while, I got bored waiting for them to go home. I know I could’ve gone into the other room and done my thing till they got tired of sitting there, but I wanted them to learn the “go home” thing. They’re not catching on too fast for being intelligent animals. I had to trap the furry bastards in a box in order to get them back to their cage.

Another weird thing was when I picked up Woody. He immediately jumped back into the cage but then turned right around and jumped onto my arm, even though it was only for a second.

At least we got it right with the tree stump burrow we got the pigs. They can both fit in it, even if it may be a bit snug, and they definitely can’t flip it over.

I’m sure I’ll be paged any second now for another round of lettuce.

Two more things to bitch about… My left toenails look horrible again, so I saw when I removed my polish and I don’t like the shade of red I put on my toes or the silver on my nails. The silver is so light and hard to make out. With light skin, I like something either really bright or dark so it stands out. I left my toes as they were but threw some pink polish that smells like roses over my fingernails.

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 21, 2019
I was hungry for most of my day yesterday but it’s a little better so far today. I’m now down from 155.0 to 152.6 but really doubt I’ll lose more than maybe one more pound no matter what I do.

I don’t think I’ll bother with vodka again. It’s boring compared to wine coolers.

Emotionally, I felt better last night than the night before, which makes me think it could be connected to the 3 days in a row that I had fried foods, which is listed as bad for anxiety.

Tonight, however, I’m also a bit on edge. Noticed it as soon as I got up. Because I lost a few pounds rather quickly?

Both rats were out for a few minutes last night and both went home on their own and were rewarded with treats.

Woody is getting big. They still don’t play together and I don’t like that while they’re curious to explore, they do everything they can to avoid me. They don’t want to interact or socialize with me. I miss rats that would run to me and climb all over me. Okay, so maybe that’s a bit extreme. They do sometimes let me reach in and pat them or pick them up without running.

The pigs were funny the other day. I have Alexa set a timer for me when I first get up so I don’t have my coffee too soon after taking my meds. Well, as soon as it went off, so did they. LOL

I might not take the rats into the bedroom when I’m on nights because they’re getting a little big for a square-foot cage. Plus, they’ll be running around loose more often now that they’re getting older.

Just wish I knew why a tiny scratch makes me so itchy! With the pigs being heavy and squirmy when they’re first picked up, it’s easy to get scratched. Their scratches itch a lot like when a cat scratches me.

Tom was late getting in because they had a late meeting at work. We’re at the point now where if this place ever gives him a raise again, our benefits will cost us more. It really sucks. What’s the point of getting a raise just to have to give it away?

I’m pleased to say I didn’t have any hip pain yesterday but my ear still irritates me and I still get that strange pressure in my head when I first stand up. Third day of having neck knockers in my sleep too. I have no idea what that’s all about. My blood pressure may run a bit high but there aren’t any major changes with that from what I can see since I’ve been monitoring it closely.

I slept a little better and longer even though I did wake up for a little while a few hours before I got up. I’m glad the earbud hasn’t been giving me any shit and it better not tomorrow because I have to sleep through trash and green waste pickup.

Had this dream I was talking to Jessie’s son Wyatt, only he was 22 and not 30. I was amused by how grown up he thought he was and the way he thought he knew it all like most of us do when we’re that age and even younger.

Then I dreamed of Nelly Rodriguez or whatever the fuck the welfare bum/criminal’s name really was. I had a dream she gave birth a month ago which would be pretty damn unlikely seeing that she would now be well into her 50s maybe even early 60s.

I spotted her somewhere in the dream after receiving a piece of mail addressed to her. I told her about it, and while I knew who she was, it took her a minute to remember who I was. She didn’t look much older than when I last knew her in the late 80s and she confirmed that she did have a child a month ago, much to my surprise.

Then I had a dream that ended scary enough to wake me up. Aly and I went to stay in some hotel somewhere and I was annoyed because the only room available had just one bed. It was sometime in the afternoon when we decided to take a nap, tired after traveling. Unable to sleep I lay there staring at the ceiling and dismayed to find that I could not only hear everything going on in the surrounding rooms but could also feel the vibration of people’s movements much like in Motel 6 when we first came to Cali.

In a soft whisper, I called Aly’s name and asked if she was still awake. She was.

Next thing I know I was waking up from an afternoon nap, only we were in someone else’s room which actually had two rooms. I knew Aly was in the other room even though I couldn’t see her.

My mind immediately went wondering just how the hell I was going to keep a decent enough schedule for the remainder of our vacation, especially after napping in the daytime.

I got out of bed and walked up to the bathroom door which was closed and could hear someone showering behind it. I knew the person was the guy to whom the room belonged.

Then Aly and I stepped out into the hall and the guy, tall and slim, approached us a minute or two later.

“I didn’t get your name,” he said to me as he pulled me into an incredibly tight bear hug with my stomach pressed against his.

My brain thought to kick and throw punches but my body was completely 100% immobilized.

I woke up saying, “Aly, help me!” as I felt myself begin to panic.

For a few days, I’ve had this feeling that Aly has been trying to avoid me. I guess the fact that she told me at 3:12 in the afternoon that she was going to devote the rest of the day and night to alone time with Cam while she turned around and tweeted on her other account at 5:08 may confirm this suspicion.

Maybe that’s all she did, but I doubt it. Aly is very sensitive and it probably has to do with our different views on blacks and Muslims. Or maybe she’s getting anonymous questions she doesn’t like and thinks I’m behind them. It’s hard to say with her because she’s so sensitive and everything seems to offend her. She was telling me the other day that she was tired of bothering with Kim because of her obsession with June. So Aly pretty much has a problem with just about everybody and I really think that’s part of why she’s spent so much time alone besides the fact that people tried to steer clear of those with lots of problems. When you’re just a couple of years from 40, it gets harder to believe you’ve just been “unlucky” in love so far. She’s moody and she’s sensitive, but we’ll see. Maybe Cam is it.

Regardless of whatever may be on her mind, I’m playing totally dumb to the other Twitter account. This way I can have a better idea of what she’s really thinking, and I’ve always been fascinated by how people think and learning what’s really on their minds.

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 20, 2019
If I didn’t know any better, I’d think I went deaf. Been up since 1 PM and it’s been amazingly quiet ever since.

A new hideaway is on the way for the pigs that they hopefully can’t flip over. Also on the way is pig/rat food/hay/bedding and patchouli incense.

The pigs are so funny because they sometimes start screaming as soon as I open the bedroom door when I get up. Also, when I’m talking to Tom, every time they hear my voice they scream. They’re at least smart enough to have learned which one of us usually feeds them. LOL

I’m down 1.5 lbs but I’m not about to get my hopes up because I’ve always been able to lose just a few pounds. Still retaining water too, for some strange reason. Even though my inches may already be dropping just a teeny little fraction, my bra feels tighter.

Just wish I didn’t have the fear of my medication hanging over me as far as weight loss goes. I think that’s been putting a bit of a block on me right along with age and genetics and all that shit.

I finished watching the Obsession series and now I’m watching the Disappeared series. In the last episode of Obsession, was a case of a woman who was raped and murdered by a stalker who wanted to be her. He would dress in women’s clothing, try to hide it, and also deny his true sexuality to others. Goes to prove my theory about rapists being closeted gays is probably right on. I think what a guy is really trying to say when he rapes a woman is, “I’m angry that I’m gay and I can’t admit it and handle it, so I must lash out at the women I’ve come to resent because of my inability to be turned on by them.”

I don’t think it’s just about control for them but actually more about their own lack of control. I think the world would be surprised at just how many gay men there are out there if they would just own up to it and admit it, but of course, not all closet gays are rapists. But those who express a preference for same-gender coworkers and things like that are pretty obvious enough to me. I think anytime someone prefers the company of their own gender they’re either gay or at least bisexual but leaning towards whatever sex they favor. If I’d never met Tom, I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if I was with a woman unless I was still alone.

I would love to go out for a walk right now with the way the nighttime can take my mind places I’d rather it not go. You know, the usual fears… Not having anyone to help us when we get old. Tom dying first and me having to kill myself and hopefully do it right since I couldn’t stand to be without him. Suffering when I am dying. Finding out that there is an afterlife and it’s so bad that it makes my worst of days in this existence seem like a real party.

But it’s too cold to go out. When I can, though, the LED-flashing barrette I just got is going to be great for running and riding.

Tom and I did another workout video yesterday and I now realize just what shitty shape I’m in these days. I’m practically disabled compared to how I was years ago. Part of that is my fault for not being more consistent, and it does take regularity, especially as you age. I didn’t realize until I struggled through those exercises just how out of shape I’ve become, especially trying to do burpees. I’m on the treadmill right now and I did some Bowflex exercises earlier.

I’m back to sleeping shitty again but that’s probably because I’m on nights now. The earbuds didn’t bother me and traffic didn’t wake me up but I still woke up many times, once when I felt the neck knockers. I’m definitely not having too much sodium so I don’t know what that was about. Maybe it has something to do with the position of my head or something but I don’t know. Blood pressure wasn’t that bad when I got up so I’m stumped.

I’m also back to hot flashing in my sleep but no racing heart, fortunately.

They’ve been doing really bad at work and I worry about him getting laid off. The company is so broke they can’t even afford to fix one of the urinals in the bathroom, and Tom took a portable heater to work because they can’t even afford to fix their broken heater. I hope the AC works in the summer! It definitely gets hotter here than it does cold but he’s a desert native so he can handle some heat.

It still infuriates me that it’s considered “freedom of expression” if you blast your car stereo to the point that you’re waking people up but if you have something to say out loud or on paper that someone might not want to hear, it’s a fucking felony. Come on, how twisted is that?!

Decided I would be better off not painting the fairy or using markers on her. I polished her nails bright pink but I’m going to leave it at that.

I guess one ounce is considered a serving of the vanilla-infused Smirnoff vodka I got today but I started with half of that when spiking my decaf coffee with it. I didn’t even get a buzz so I think I’ll use a full ounce next time. Maybe I’ll pick up some OJ singles and make screwdrivers. I read that typically, 1.5 oz of vodka and 6 oz of OJ is how they’re made, but the OJ singles I sometimes get are 8 oz. Close enough. :-)

Had to get off the treadmill after just 15 minutes because my right hip is killing me. Damn, I’m getting sick of all this hip pain!

Every now and then I get a crazy idea that pops into my mind at random. Well, I think I’d like a small silicone doll. Not for getting it on with, of course, but for decoration. I’ve always loved lifelike and realistic dolls. I could get a fairly decent one for under $300, including shipping. Should be about 40 in tall and weigh about 25 lb, so less than half the size, weight and price of the one I have now. I said I would look for one with a tan or that was black for variety but I always find myself liking the Asian dolls which is what they mostly have, anyway.

Except for the basketballs on her chest, my doll is gorgeous but too big and heavy. I want something that can be moved around and is easily changeable. I’m kind of hoping my buddy will one day drive out and decide she wants to take Suki back with her and make payments whenever she can. She could always pay at her leisure and of course she doesn’t have to pay what we paid for her. I know she likes pale skin, red hair and green eyes but that’s the beauty of these types of dolls. They can wear any color/style wig and have any color eyes. She could have both heads and several of the wigs. No green eyes or red hair but at least she’s pale.

My ear continues to irritate me on the outside although Tom says it looks fine. He looked inside and said it looked a little gunked up but not too bad. I feel this strange pressure where the ear meets my head and a little bit on the outside “knob” of cartilage that sits right above the lobe and I’m not sure what the hell is going on. Maybe I’ll find out in June when I see my ENT.

The car has been thirsty again, signaling it needs water, and while it’s no emergency, it’s looking like we are going to have to get another car while we’re still here. This one is starting to look a little shitty on the outside anyway because the fake convertible is shredding.

Where yesterday was amazingly quiet and the only loud vehicle I heard was Safeway coming to deliver our groceries and the planes were barely existent, tonight it’s the opposite. Yeah, I knew I couldn’t get two peaceful nights in a row. I heard that loud car, other loud vehicles, and plenty of planes.

We went out walking down to the lake and back after he came home. The sun was shining brightly but the air was cool. On our way back, as we were approaching the Twenties’, this insanely loud dog started barking its ass off in one of the yards just over the wall outside the park. The thing sounded huge and oh, those poor Twenties! They must absolutely hate it being closer to it. We almost never hear anything as far as dogs or anything else because fortunately, we’re a little further down the hill and blocked by houses. We have heard faint barking occasionally but nothing too annoying, and the only times I’ve heard kids is when I’m out in the carport, so I don’t mind.

I am absolutely hungry as hell today. I’m now down from 155.0 to 153.2 but I swear no matter what I eat, I just can’t get rid of this hunger! It’s like PMS hunger all over again. I just want to eat till I puke! Since I’m going to be hungry anyway, I’m trying not to stray too far from my goal. Usually, when I get this hungry it takes 500-800 calories to stop it and that would put me way over. Meanwhile, a banana or something small won’t curb hunger this intense. Just gotta wait it out. Whenever I drop a pound or two, I get hungry like this. It’s like my body’s trying to fight for its weight back, crying out for those 1500-1800 cals it’s used to.

I still say I’m not going to lose more than a few pounds. Every time I do, I can keep on dieting and exercising and doing everything right, but the weight automatically resets itself back to where it was before. One or two more pounds and my body will go into automatic reset mode. When it does, at least I won’t have to worry about my medication and I know that I can always use MyFitnessPal to help when I’m up a few extra pounds. Just wish they’d quit with the fucking video ad craze cuz that really slows the site down.

I read that a body buried 6 feet in ordinary soil that’s unembalmed takes 8-12 years to become skeletonized. I guess the three grandparents that I knew who died in 1983 and 1985 would definitely be all bones by now since Jewish people typically don’t allow themselves to be embalmed. Yeah, I have these morbid thoughts at times.

Last night I had a dream where my father said to my mother in a tone that was a mixture of sarcasm and anger, “Shall we tell her about the latest news?”

“What?” I asked. “Are the Muslims threatening us again?”

“Yup,” said Dad.

When I got up, I found threats in the news but they were from Putin. The Russians are assholes but not as bad as the Middle East and North Korea. Still, Russia loves to make its share of threats to several countries.

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 18, 2019
The Florida 11-year-old arrested at school for refusing to stand for the national anthem is so ridiculous it’s literally laughable. Goes to show that not only does everyone see racism in everything these days, but also how defiant and rebellious kids are that one that young would disobey to the point that they’d allow themselves to be arrested. I believe in standing firm behind one’s beliefs, but I don’t know if I’d be willing to get locked up over something as silly as standing with my hand over my chest and reciting words I didn’t really care for or believe in.

Another black shooter too, this time in New Orleans.

Surprised Tennessee covers transgenders under their hate laws. That part of the country is usually the most hateful towards gays. I still don’t believe in the whole “hate crime” thing. I think violence is violence no matter who/why the act is carried out. All should be punished equally with harsher sentences only reserved for children, old people, and the disabled. Meanwhile, the person who beats the janitor should get the same sentence for beating the cop or the lawyer. If we’re going to have hate crimes, then I’d like to see non-whites be held accountable as often as others. There’s just so much unfairness in the world. When minorities brag about how much they’ve accomplished (which is fine), people applaud and praise them. If a white person were to do that, people would shout, “Racist!”

Yeah, we kinda swung the other way in the land of Inequality. First it’s minorities being picked on and now it’s whites. I’d say we STILL have a way to go before we achieve any real equality.

Okay, I’m done with my news rant. So we went to Rite Aid and got a few things. One of the things was a miniature beagle figurine that was on sale, plus a hair barrette that lights up. I joked with Tom about wearing it to the doctor. They’re LED lights so it would be pretty blinding with the way they flash and change colors but if it’s behind me it might be kind of cool around here at night.

I woke up a million times, once due to the smell of Tom warming up some potatoes. I’m a little tired but nothing too noticeable.

Had a dream that I asked my dentist what color my eyes were, and she shrugged and said, “Blue, I guess.”

“They aren’t green?” I asked her.

She stopped and looked at them and said, “Yeah, I think they could be green.”

Then lowering my voice as if it was such a big secret I said, “My eyes are the only good feature I have left so I’m trying to hang on to them.”

LOL, in reality, I don’t think I have much good left to hang on to.

She said it was okay in a way that suggested I was still doing well overall.

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 17, 2019
The planes have been going crazy since getting up at 10 a.m. In the first half-hour of being up, I had to have heard five or six planes. This isn’t their usual time to be this active and noticeable. Wonder when it’s going to be a 24-hour thing with them. Last night it was the helicopters and small planes to get on my nerves. I still don’t get why I don’t get used to noise. It’s all I’ve known for the last 30 years or so. Maybe it’s because I wasn’t raised with it?

I woke up with a headache and my ear still feels a bit weird.

Replaced most of the fish’s water today and helped Tom make mashed potatoes and then cooked him a frozen pizza. I only had a few bites of pizza and none of the mashed potatoes because they aren’t very good for LS and anxiety. I’m coming up on 3 months without anxiety, except for the time I overdid the anxiety foods and saw my last round of numbers.

Tom and I were talking about how you can have a slow metabolism even if your thyroid is fine. Tom has had a normal thyroid but an incredibly slow metabolism all his life which is part of why he has such a low HR. He would have to have 1200 calories to lose weight but 800 would be even better, he says. The only reason he was thin when he was young was that he didn’t eat. His only meal of the day was fast food on his way to work. Not very healthy but definitely enough to keep thin if that’s all you have. He never really kept food in the house.

I might be able to lose on 1200 if I exercised quite a bit but probably not more than a few pounds. I would have to go down between 800-1000 to lose more than a few pounds. I know I should watch my weight and try to lose 20 or 30 lbs for the sake of my health but I still worry about how it may affect how my medication affects me. Being paranoid over that has been a bit of a block for me.

Decided to join MyFitnessPal since it provides a handy tool for monitoring calories, sodium, cholesterol and everything else. Need to spend less time online, though, so I don’t have to hear about food so much, which only makes me hungrier.

The vans were only here half of the day when I last saw them so maybe they aren’t remodeling after all. I’ll find out next week but even if they aren’t, it’s only a matter of days before somebody does something else around here to annoy me.

I was watching a documentary on North Sentinel Island and how the Sentinelese tribe has been uncontacted and independent for 60,000 years. They kill anyone who gets too close to them with one exception and that was only because they were given coconuts, something they really value. Even though modern civilization is as close as 31 miles away, they want nothing to do with it. I can’t imagine not wanting to leave the same old tiny island no matter how beautiful it may be there and never wanting anything to do with outsiders, even just for a little while. Even though I’m not normally very sociable, I’d think I’d be curious as to the world beyond my little sanctuary. I guess that just goes to show how narrow-minded and hateful they are. On the other hand, I can totally see wanting to keep safe and any potential threats out of the picture. Modern technology, agriculture and our way of living aren’t for everybody, I suppose. They don’t even know how to make fires and no one knows what language they speak either. They did seem to know how to escape the 2004 tsunami by running to higher ground.

When looking at some of the pictures of them, there are some things I don’t get like where they’re getting the red paint to paint themselves as they sometimes do for some strange reason. And when I looked at their beaded necklaces, the beads all look pretty consistent in shape and size, almost as if a machine made them.

They’re all in damn good shape, of course, albeit ugly as fuck. They’re super dark and they all look the same. It’s hard to tell the women from the men from a distance and they basically look like hairless gorillas. Not trying to be rude but that’s the best way I can describe them, LOL.

I would guess they bathe in the ocean but I wonder if they drink the same water. I hope not if they also piss and shit in it.

They estimate there are anywhere between 15 and 500 of them and I wonder how they manage not to overpopulate the tiny island since they certainly don’t have birth control and they probably don’t have a clue that the guy needs to either not cum or pull out in order to prevent pregnancy. Or at least to lower the chances.

I’m sure the weather is beautiful there all the time but I would hate to have a medical emergency way out there.

I wonder what they do all day since they have no TVs to watch or books to read. I guess it takes that long to gather food, build huts, bow and arrows.

When I look at the island on Google Maps it looks uninhabited, so they’ve got their huts hidden well in the vegetation unless all the little brownish spots I saw were huts. If it is, then they’ve got a hell of a lot more than 500 people there.

Wonder how many uncontacted people there are? I know there are some in the Amazon.

Had a dream that Christopher Noth presented himself as black and began wearing his hair in pigtails.

Then I dreamed I lost a lot of weight, presumably by starving or close enough. I was looking in the mirror in a brand-new tank dress with bright multi-colored curvy stripes running through it. It had a white background. I wore a headband that matched the exact shade and width of the green stripe in my dress. In another part of that same dream, I was wearing a long lavender spaghetti strap sundress with a gathered bodice and realized I didn’t look fat at all.

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 16, 2019
Bing is still giving extra points and the news is still full of the same old shit. The usual thugs, drugs, threats and war. Black guy goes on a shooting spree, Iran makes its usual threats, Trump’s pissing people off, etc.

What pisses me off the most is that Kentucky is on the verge of making virtually all abortion illegal as I fear will ultimately happen in most of the country. I know it shouldn’t bother me because it doesn’t affect me personally but I can’t help but feel bad for the women it does affect. It infuriates me for two reasons. First of all, abortion isn’t “murder” any more than pulling up a weed. Secondly, it should be no one’s business but the woman who’s pregnant. Who the hell are others to make other people do what they would do in the same situation? Why should others be forced to go by what they believe in and what they think is right? Why can’t they just not get an abortion if they don’t want one and leave everyone else alone?

I swear, if it becomes illegal, then I hope to hell those who survive self-abortions place their dead fetuses on the lawmakers’ doorsteps and say, “This is what you made me do.”

Another thing I don’t get is…we’re living in a time - and the US isn’t the only country that’s become this way - where fewer women than ever are having kids and are being pushed into skipping families and being little workhorses, yet they don’t want them getting abortions? Sorry, people, but you can’t have it both ways. You can’t pressure women not to have kids and then prevent them from aborting one when they want to. Really, you want them to work but you don’t want them to have abortions? WTF is wrong with some people?

While I’m on a rant, let me bitch about the injustices and twisted laws we’ve got. As I’ve mentioned before, I’m watching true stories of true stalking cases and it mystifies the shit out of me how despite being vindicated in the end, I could be charged with attempted stalking over a fucking letter while others get away with so much, and these are true stalkers. Genuine, real, honest-to-god stalkers. You know, that follow their victims, peak in their windows, throw firebombs into their houses, make every threat they can every chance they get, slash their tires, and so much more. Yet until something really bad happens, the victims are often told by the police…there’s nothing we can do, it’s probably just kids playing around, these things usually blow over, blah blah blah.

Bet they wouldn’t be so quick to say that if the victim was black. Yet there I was, once upon a time, someone who never actually did anything and she practically gets crucified.

Can’t deny that these women reacted differently than I would if I were in their shoes. They mostly reacted with fear which is probably why the bastards picked on them in the first place. They prey on fear like vicious dogs.

Knowing me, though, I would fly off into a rage and become pissed as hell as soon as I was provoked or threatened. I would rather be in jail longer while knowing I permanently terrorized them out of my life or took theirs than put my trust in our joke of a system, see them maybe get locked up for barely 5 minutes, then have to worry about them repeating their behavior once they were free again.

I try to appreciate the good things in life but sometimes it’s hard and I get frustrated and I can’t help but vent and rant like I am right now about life being so unfair and fucked up. I suffer while some psycho or stalker is in perfect health. I had to lose half a year of my freedom and thousands of dollars simply because the person I was supposed to have threatened was black while others can go a hell of a lot further than just words on paper and actually do dangerous things and get away with it (without being provoked like I was). I have to sit and listen to insanely loud vehicles but I can’t paint my house certain colors if I wanted to. People are happy with their pets while I sometimes wonder if I would have been better skipping the rodents. I don’t regret the betta at all. Then again, I know you can’t compare rodents to things like dogs, cats, birds and fish because rodents are naturally much timider. The guinea pigs do relax in my arms and let me cuddle them once I get them out of their cage but they don’t usually let me just pick them up without giving me a run for my money first. The rats are still very fidgety and often run when I approach the cage, especially Woody.

I know I shouldn’t take it personally because they’re hardwired to be as they are but it still gets a bit insulting at times. I just can’t help but feel that way because we treat them so well. I don’t know that I could go so far as to say I’m sorry I got the pigs but I do kind of regret the rats. Tom’s so sure that they can be trained, especially Fuzzy, but he still doesn’t seem to get, regardless of how many rats we’ve had that have shown this, that there’s only so much of a rat’s personality and behavior you can change. Just because they can learn things doesn’t mean they’re going to behave the way you want them to. Even a woman in a video I watched said that just because a rat’s been handled before and has never been hurt by the person doesn’t always mean they’re going to want to be handled in the future. None of the really good rats we’ve had in the past ever started off this timid. Ever. They’re either always timid or always friendly.

More bad news. Aly’s now suffering yet another problem (an ulcer), while Kim still has the same two problems she’s always had… She’s tremendously overweight, and she hates being treated like a child by her bossy SIL because she actually acts like one.

I dread the day I get whatever my next issue is going to be which I suppose could be anytime now. I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if I didn’t even make it to 55 before the next problem surfaced. And let me guess…it won’t be deadly but it won’t be curable either.

My TMJ is bugging me now but that’s about it. I swear the outside of my ear is rotating downward even more but we both agree there’s no way it can literally get “out of place.” It can turn but not move down toward my neck or over toward my cheek. Still, couldn’t I have had two normal ears? Okay, so it’s better than missing a limb but it’s annoying enough at times. I can’t even fucking wear earrings for the most part, especially for pierced ears. Tom says that yeah, it’s a deformed ear but it isn’t disgusting or anything like that and the lobe is normal looking. To me, it’s gross and I hope my parents are rotting in hell, if there is such a place, for putting me through the unnecessary surgery in Boston so they could have a “normal” daughter.

Last thing to bitch about. Why is my Hotmail account getting hit with so much spam all of a sudden that’s making it into my inbox? It’s been coming in faster than I can block it. :-(

Ugh, I’m so pissed right now I wish some of these stalking cocks would tangle with me. They’d quickly learn that if you piss some chicks off bad enough, your extra height, weight, and the dick between your legs won’t save you.

Okay so now that I got all my ranting out of the way, I can move on. Tom went to Sam’s before I got up and one of the things he picked me up was a case of Seagram’s Escapes. It has six different flavored wine coolers. They have a lower alcohol percentage of 3.2% but they’re fattening. I only have one a day but today I may have two because it’s the weekend. Saturdays I pretty much do whatever.

We both ran out to Safeway earlier after changing the furballs’ cage.

Tom and I did a 15-minute low-impact workout vid together. Despite all the walking I do, I feel like I’m in shitty shape. I could still do more of it than he could. All the exercises were doable except for the burpees. They totally winded me and made my heart pound like my meds once did.

Last night I dreamed I was on probation. Martinez, or something like that, was the name of my male PO in this dream. One of the “assignments” I was required to do was write an essay about something. I laughed and told Tom about how simple it would be for me since I was a writer.

Then Tom and I were at some adult camp of some kind that was basically like a regular camp only you didn’t sleep in tents or cabins. Everyone had a room inside a building.

We were sitting in a room with dozens of other people and one of the staff members, a woman, was giving a speech about something and became threatening with some crazy rules, although I don’t remember what she said.

Not liking what I was hearing, I finally stood up and said something like, “Fuck this shit!” and stormed out of the room. I knew everybody heard me, including the staff member, so I knew there would be a risk of us being kicked out.

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 15, 2019
Oh, fuck! The vans are back. Just when I thought it was going to be only a two-day project. So now I’m back to having to worry about the banging waking me up when I start sleeping in since they’re right on the bedroom, and like most projects, this obviously isn’t anything that’s going to be done soon. Doubt it’s plumbing-related. If they slam their doors hard enough, it could cause enough of a vibration to wake me up. The sound machine can drown out power tools and hammering but not the door slamming so on goes the headphones for the next 6 hours. Still don’t get why they just don’t leave the doors open if they know they’re going to be going in and out of their vehicles.

Unless they’re visiting, even the Twenties are having work done, as usual. Some white pickup with an enclosed trailer has been in front of their place. One would swear this was an old run-down, dilapidated neighborhood as often as they do projects around here.

I just hope they aren’t prepping the house in back for sale. The last thing I need is all the noise that would bring, along with the extra vehicles being parked right on the bedroom. Plus, every time someone new moves in, the chances are good of them having a motorcycle or some loud vehicle because they’re so common. Adult communities aren’t about the peace and quiet they used to be about. Houses sell often in these places since people don’t usually live here for 30 or more years as they do elsewhere. Bob and Virginia are rare. 10 to 15 years is more like it. I wouldn’t be the least it’s surprised, though, if the house in back sold before we left and if Bob and Virginia died and their place also sold while we were still here. It would just be my kind of shit luck. If so, then that would make every single house circling us except for Geri and the stroke house. The house on the corner opposite Geri turned over in what seems like about a year, two at the most. Wonder if it’s cuz of the loud car which is right across the street from it.

Oh, fuck again! Tom and I both agree that being there a third day makes it less likely it’s plumbing-related. My next guess is kitchen remodeling. So in order to get more Bing points, I searched how long it takes to do that and the average time is an astonishing and very disappointing 4-6 weeks. So I’m definitely in trouble once I’m on nights. sighs Maybe we should just go back to the country.

How do people deal with this shit? Had to laugh when someone asked me on Ask if I got more annoyed with age. Uh, yeah, I’d say so. I know that virtually all places are noisy these days with projects, loud traffic, planes and other things, so what is their trick? How do they not find it so damn annoying and distracting? It’s everywhere now unless you go way out in the country. Even my bestie lives in a noisy place. Could be even worse where she is because dogs don’t have to be pets in the mainstream and there are also more car stereos and kids of course.

I can just imagine how much worse it is in Phoenix now as by now the motorcycles and loud vehicles would have taken over the place right along with the stereos, mutts and brats. But I swear I don’t remember so many projects in Phoenix and there definitely wasn’t daily landscaping.

Speaking of it, the loud car just came in for the first time in a few days. Like it could stay away from mommy and daddy for a whole week?

The guy who had a stroke ruined the peace running and gunning his own loud car yesterday. He does this (or someone who visits does) every so often. Otherwise, it just sits there covered by a tarp so I don’t get why they don’t just get rid of it. It’s been a long time since his stroke and I can’t believe he’ll ever be able to drive again. Did it really need to be run for half an hour, though?

The last couple of days have been windy and rainy but I’m not sure if there was any thunder. In a place with so many planes, it’s hard to tell but I don’t think so.

Still feeling good overall with some minor annoyances like hip pain and that weird head pressure if I get up too fast. The hip pain isn’t bad today but that’s only because I haven’t done any walking yet other than scurrying around the place doing sheets and laundry. Sometimes I don’t even have to get up that fast to get it, though. Oiled my bad ear and threw alcohol and peroxide in the good ear just in case it’s ear-related.

I have this strange bruise just above my right knee. I don’t remember bumping into anything, it doesn’t feel sore to the touch, so I’m wondering if it could be one of those ugly varicose veins you get with age.

I checked to see if the MonaLisa Touch was available in this area and read doctors’ replies to questions while I was at it. As one doctor said, LS is a chronic condition and nothing cures it. The MonaLisa Touch only helps relieve some of the symptoms. If it’s just as much of a temporary fix as steroids, assuming you can stand them for long, then it’s definitely not worth it. Thousands of dollars for temporary solutions are ridiculous. If it could buy me a decade of comfort, then maybe. Still going to ask Amy about it along with hair removal, but hey, why should Jodi S ever be allowed something she can cure, right? The only curable thing I’ve had in centuries was an ingrown toenail.

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 13, 2019
The Muslim woman that just got into Congress has been happily tweeting her hate for Jews which is exactly why I was worried when she got elected. They need to be kept out until their attitude changes! All they’ll do until then is use their position to spew their hatred for Jews and anyone else who isn’t a carbon copy of themselves.

I know it’s politically correct to “be on their side,” so to speak, defend and excuse them and all that, but I’m sorry. I just can’t ignore the patterns I’ve seen year after year. Others can think, feel, do and believe as they wish, but in my own journal, I shall express myself from the heart for me and for me only. I don’t see much love, acceptance and tolerance within that group as some people seem to, and therefore it’s hard for me to respect those that don’t respect others.

Put a thousand Muslims in one room and a thousand non-Muslims in another. Promise them anonymity and ask if they have ill feelings towards gays or Jews. I would be willing to bet that where 50 or 60% of the non-muslims would admit they did, 80 to 90% of the Muslims would say they did.

Tweeted to Outlook about my concerns about scammers sending emails that look to have come from me. They’re using my address as the sender and they’re using my profile picture, too. I don’t know how the hell they manage to pull this off but it worries me because this shows that they could make it look like anybody’s getting anything from me, including things that could really get me in deep shit in a very word-sensitive country. I know they do it to grab my attention and so they can’t be blocked, but I wouldn’t answer to any subpoenas. So unless the cops literally kick their way in here and drag me out in handcuffs, I’m not going to pay for what someone else may do in my name.

Maliheh was in my dreams last night but I don’t remember much about it. Just that I was in her place and it was a total pigsty.

The planes were horrible earlier despite the heavy rain. Guess the reason I don’t hear them at times has to do with the direction of the wind and not cloud coverage. Good, I guess, cuz maybe this means no one will be working on Lawrence’s place today. Too bad it has to be one or the other, as what usually seems to be the case, and while they weren’t nearly as annoying as when people are using saws and woodchippers to cut down trees, it was still a bit annoying. Now that the planes have backed off, I’m hoping I only hear the sound of rain with the exception of the usual loud vehicles. Just no motorcycles, thankfully. Yesterday we had a slew of loud and annoying military helicopters.

I’m finding that painting the figurines is proving to be a lot harder than anticipated because it’s so hard to control the bristles on the brushes as opposed to the point of a pen. Then I remembered my markers and decided that since colored pencils were out of the question, I would color the rest of the figurines with those, and it’s looking really cool so far. The only problem is that the markers aren’t permanent so I have to make sure they don’t get wet or else the colors will run. I’m glad I got to experiment on the figurines first so I didn’t get a chance to ruin my beautiful fairy. It’s like 3D coloring though definitely not something I would want to do regularly. I was thinking I would use the markers on the fairy’s hair, the leafy “thong,” lips and eyes. I’ll polish her nails and then use the paints on her wings since I couldn’t wedge the markers on the inside of the wings where they meet her back.

Last week the apple and cherry blossoms popped out of nowhere and I was surprised because this usually doesn’t happen until early March. They don’t last long but are lovely to see while they do.

Love how Bing is offering double points for a few days which Tom says they do a few times a year.

One of the toys I had in the 70s was this animated Cinderella movie where I peered through a lens while winding a crank in order to see the movie play at whatever speed I wanted to see it. This would depend on how fast I turned the crank, of course. It had no sound or anything like that. I was just watching a clip of this movie on YouTube and was amazed at the detail I was able to recall even though I haven’t seen the thing in close to 45 years.

No more ordering from Walmart! They were out of so many things and I’ve had it with the tip begging too, every time we log in. That should be the responsibility of whoever employs the drivers, not ours.

Last night I was laying around waiting for sleep and wondering why I’m just as cursed with pets as I am with sleep and noise and just wanting to go out there and club them over the heads with the rainbow wand. I’ve done nothing but be patient and loving yet nothing has changed. I’m tired of trying to make these animals into what I know they can never be and aren’t meant to be. I could kick myself for getting them. A part of me wants to give them a reason to fear me, that’s how fucking fed up I am. You just can’t change rodents. They’re stubborn and set in their ways from the get-go and we’ve had enough of them to see that they’re either good from the start or bad from the start and they don’t change. The only change a person could make is to make a good rat bad by terrorizing it, and who would want to do that? Piggles often ran too, when I’d go to pick him up, but come on. He wasn’t nearly this bad.

I’m frustrated knowing I have to deal with these fucktards for the 2-8 years they could live. We’re not even getting a dog. It’s bettas and that’s it! I know how curses work. They cannot be stopped, changed, altered or manipulated. I’m never going to hold a schedule. I’m never going to be a heavy sleeper. I’m never going to have a peaceful place to live. And I’m never going to have a pet that likes me unless it’s under water. These guys only like me for what food they can get from me. Otherwise, I absolutely must be run from and avoided at all costs. I know they can’t help but do what their instincts tell them to do but it can still be hard not to take it a bit personally at times.

My prediction about never having good pets since the loss of Tinkerbell has proven to be correct a dozen years later. I see a clear pattern. With the exception of Tinkerboy, who wasn’t our best of rats but still a decent one, one good rat died within hours of getting him. Another had a stroke. And Simone, who actually liked being around me and didn’t run when I approached her, stirred up my asthma to the point that we had to have her rehomed.

Later…

For some reason, Aly checked out a couple of entries on Prosebox (to compare what I sent her vs. share with others?) and for some reason, this made me uncomfortable.

I’m in a blah mood right now and having pets that reject me isn’t helping. I don’t understand what’s gotten into Rockefeller lately. Tom had this experience once too where he was absolutely scared shitless of him for no reason at all. I’m able to handle Blitz without much of a fight but Rockefeller really fought me today. I placed them both in the playpen and Rockefeller tried to get out but now he can only get through the bars up to his shoulders. I still wouldn’t trust either one of them alone for very long. Definitely got to keep an eye on them because if they really wanted to and if they were really desperate enough, they could probably jump out.

I think in the end Fuzzy is going to be the friendliest but that doesn’t mean he’ll be anything like our best of rats. I don’t think he’ll even compare to Tinkerboy. He’s still going to put up some resistance when I go to handle him. He just doesn’t fight as much as the pigs and Woody. He was out and about for a few minutes and went home on his own.

I miss having pets that love to be cuddled rather than that just tolerate it or squirm to get away. I also miss having rats follow me around the house and jump all over me when I’m on the floor playing with them.

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 12, 2019
Loud car came in at 9:30 yesterday and left about 4 hours later, so that shoots down the job theory. The parents are home regularly so I don’t know what “work” they could possibly be doing for them unless it’s something online. I think he’s just an insecure, clingy slacker who’s afraid of being on his own like I’ve always thought. I don’t know how the parents can afford to pay for their place and his but maybe he doesn’t have his own place. Maybe he just sleeps around at various friends and family members’ homes. Still, someone’s got to be paying for that gas, car maintenance, and those cigarettes. It costs a fortune these days to be a smoker even if you don’t smoke much.

Instead of planes yesterday I got to listen to hammering and sawing behind the house. There were two unmarked white vans parked at Lawrence’s place and Tom’s guess is that it had to do with plumbing. No planes this morning either so I’m guessing they’ll be back since there’s always gotta be something. :( It’s supposed to be very cloudy today but I’m getting conflicting reports as far as rain goes. I think if it does, it won’t be till tonight.

The new blood pressure cuff is definitely giving me higher readings than the old one, so that’s $25 wasted since I probably don’t have an irregular heartbeat. I might have when the meds were really fucking me up but not these days. Tom’s trying to break in the wristband on the new one which is easier to read with the way it lights up. It squeezes a little tighter too, but not in a bad way. I don’t mind being squeezed on the wrist as much as I do my upper arm.

When I was reflecting on the decades yesterday and thinking of the positive and negative highlights of the 90s, 00s, and 10s, since I was only an adult for half of the 80s, I’m not sure if I can say each decade gets worse or better. Obviously, in some ways, they get worse, particularly when it comes to health, though money and wisdom improve.

It took me a while to decide if the 90s were worse than the 00s and I would say yes, they were, even though I was in jail in the 00s and we lost our home. In the 90s, I enjoyed the excitement of leaving New England, quitting smoking, meeting and marrying Tom, going to Nevada and California for the first time in my life, dancing, winning karaokes, getting into rats, getting the ear canal I later came to regret along with braces, and of course I was still thin and didn’t need glasses. Nor did I have the kinds of conditions and diseases I have now.

However, I had to deal with asthma and allergy attacks early in the decade, lack of sleep, noisy neighbors (especially at the Phoenix house), a frustrating sex life, and the depression of wanting the kid I could never have which was overwhelming at times.

As for the 00s, I got to enjoy the excitement of picking out a house together, even though we technically picked it out at the very end of the 90s. I could still see well for most of the decade and was gaining weight but wasn’t as fat as I am now. I got to win some pretty cool prizes. Then came the excitement of leaving Arizona and then leaving Oregon.

But the freeloaders and the financial crises we went through were pretty damn depressing, infuriating, frustrating and sometimes scary.

The 10s are proving to be the worst decade of my life. With less than a year of this decade left to go, I hope I will always be able to say that this was my worst decade because that would mean the rest of them will turn out better.

This has been my most comfortable decade financially (for the most part) and I feel a lot more secure and like I’ve matured and learned quite a bit but there’s so much bad to this decade ranging from disappointing to annoying to frustrating to absolutely terrifying. What I went through with my thyroid medication, perimenopause and anxiety were by far my most terrifying experiences.

This decade I’ve also lost a lot. My vision has really gone to hell, my weight has gone to hell with it, my libido is gone, and I don’t even have fun but harmless little crushes on anyone anymore to throw in stories, be it people I may see in person, online or wherever. I live in the noisiest place I’ve ever lived in and have so many different diseases and conditions that range from annoying to possibly life-threatening if I don’t treat it. I have to dye my hair regularly if I don’t want to be gray just yet, my ear gets uglier and more noticeable, my joints bother me, and of course there are the LS, TMJ, and other shit. I can’t even see where I’m going without glasses, and my cholesterol and blood pressure sucks, too. It takes longer to pee and, well, I could go on and on. Aging truly does suck. Nothing much is new and exciting. I do the same old things in the same old place almost every single day. I thought aging would be exciting but not quite, LOL. At least my teeth have improved!

An hour later…

Here are the vans again. I knew they’d be back. How often do people have one-day projects around here? You know, it would really be nice if people could take one month here and there to just live in their houses instead of having them worked on so often. So…on goes the headphones so I don’t have to listen to six or seven hours of hammering, sawing and door slamming.

Decided to separate the rats and pigs again because it looks like Tom may have a point in them feeding off each other’s timidness. Noticed they were all more fidgety than usual and more resistant to being handled. Separating them may cut down on some of the mess and definitely the rats hoarding.

Just getting really sick of having pets that only want me around when I’m feeding them! What was I thinking? I should have known better. I don’t know if Tinkerbell is really out there all jealous of the rats that came after her and determined to make sure they’re unusually timid, but I always knew after losing her that no rat would ever come close to comparing to her, and the two that did either died or had a stroke. A dozen years later and my prediction has proven to continue to ring true, so why did I go and get them? I should have gotten just one or two guinea pigs and left it at that if I had to get anything at all, and I really didn’t. The fish was enough.

Quit the Hawaiian course. I just couldn’t get into it.

Managed to walk without getting hip pain. No backaches today either. Instead, I got to have a bout of the runs, though I’m not sure why. My only guess is yesterday’s watermelon. It is starting to look a bit old so I won’t even let the animals have any.

Let’s see…what else? I polished my nails a deep aqua color and soon I’m going to go work on painting the figurines. Not bothering to mix colors anymore for larger areas because it’s tough to get each batch exactly the same shade.

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 11, 2019
Okay, time to cover our busy and productive weekend now that it’s back to my least favorite time…the start of the week when I’m alone even though I’m not feeling bad at the moment.

It’s a surprisingly quiet morning so far. I thought the planes would have been in full swing by now but I haven’t heard anything yet and it’s pretty clear out there.

We went out to Sam’s Club and the pet store on Saturday. Picked up some things we needed at both stores, including another fleece-lined hammock for the animals and hay for the guinea pigs.

We didn’t know this before but we wouldn’t have gotten the two hairless pigs as brave as they seemed anyway because they were going for a hundred bucks each! We didn’t notice this at first. That’s a lot of money for a guinea pig but one of them sold since we were last there. I feel bad for the one that’s left. Because the store is so greedy who knows how long it will be before it finally gets a home? Meanwhile, it’s all alone in the store.

Nothing against those who like hairless animals but it would be awfully weird to pat an animal and not feel fur or feathers or something. Never cared for the way they look either, though you would definitely not have to worry about shedding hair or allergies that way.

Our piggies are pretty typical but the rats are still very timid and I definitely don’t see any way they’re going to be even like Tinkerboy was and he was a pretty brave and friendly guy. Not the best rat we ever had but he was a good one. It’s like they’re curious and they’re friendly but that hardwired instinct takes over and they give in to their fear and try to run and hide. Really, really sick of having animals that run from me rather than to me when I approach them and I honestly don’t know why I even bother at times. But there is some good in it despite the mess, work, money, and time they take to care for. They’re adorably cute for sure! Maybe someday we’ll have a dog that won’t run when we go near it and that will actually come up to us without bars between us.

Tom stopped using his Waterpik because he said he found that if he lets plaque form over some of his exposed roots, he doesn’t have as much sensitivity. Damn the fucking doctor that gave him a phobia of dentists! Dying or infected teeth can actually kill you so I worry about him even though he reminds me that there are countries that don’t have dentists and they’re not all dropping dead like flies.

I have been feeling calm (for now) and sleeping better, so overall I’ve been feeling well except for on-and-off backaches and hip pain I can’t explain. The hips may be getting arthritic but I don’t know what’s up with the backaches. My weight is still up a couple of pounds so I will have to start the process of elimination to find out what could be driving it up. I have two theories and one of them has already been eliminated. That would be those high-calorie peanuts. They’re not LS-friendly, anyway.

Another culprit may be the wine coolers, though I find it hard to believe that one wine cooler a day could have that much of an impact on my weight, Hashimoto’s or not. I think I’m just getting older. Unless you’ve got hyperthyroidism or some other disease that prevents weight gain or at least gives you that option and makes it easy enough to lose anything you do gain, aging means getting heavier, no matter how active we may be. I’m actually on the treadmill right now. I’m going to aim for an hour today but I’m going to break it up into quarters. That way I don’t get a chance to get all sweaty and I’m giving my joints a break in between. My hips are already feeling it, though.

The Sacramento Fire Department sent a piece of mail to the woman that used to live here so we wrote “Not at this address” and I’ll drop it in the mailbox in a few hours.

Yesterday I ended up taking a nap and it was weird because I had slept well the previous night. I wondered why it was that I ended up napping after sleeping well yet I’m often unable to take naps after sleeping shitty. Then Tom reminded me I took a Benadryl before bed because I was itchy. This definitely leaves me feeling drowsy the next day and I know I should avoid it as much as possible. Even the sleep curse doctor advised against it. Benadryl has been shown to mess with cognitive thinking as well.

The best news is that I may be able to get my LS cured one day. I don’t mean treated or put into remission but cured! There’s this new thing called the Mona Lisa Touch. It’s a laser treatment and I’m getting the impression it’s similar to what they use for hair removal, so it would take a few sessions, unfortunately, and it’s also pretty expensive so I’ll have to get more information on both that and the hair removal thing when I see Amy in June.

Since my bike had been sitting unused for months, its tires were down to just 15 lb of pressure so Tom pumped it back up to the 40 lb standard, and off I went around the circle. It was surprisingly difficult even on the level parts of the road. Perhaps I’m in worse shape than I give myself credit for. Or am I just aging that fast? I know we use different muscles for different exercises so I’m guessing it’s just that I’m not in riding shape at the moment. I haven’t used those muscles in several months so they’re going to have to be re-strengthened.

The loud car has been coming in on weekends, as predicted. Fortunately, they’ve only been in and out once each day but they stay for hours. Again, it’s so weird seeing someone that young spend so much time with their parents, especially on weekends when you’re usually hanging with friends and spending time with significant others. Wasn’t up late enough in the afternoons last week to say if it came in after work but it definitely wasn’t here in the mornings. Since the Twenties were too sick to complain, maybe the office really did get my message and take it seriously.

Was clicking on headlines when gathering Bing points and I couldn’t believe what I was reading. If a woman is willing to have four kids in Hungary, she’ll never have to pay taxes again in her life. This offer is a means of driving up the dropping population. The US isn’t the only country that is getting less interested in having kids. Either way, a woman should never have kids for the sake of profiting or saving money. It should only be because she wants them, can afford them and can handle them. Why can’t people see that a dwindling population is a good thing??? There are way too many people in the world. Fewer people means fewer resources are used up, there is less pollution, and there are more jobs and doctors available.

Went treasure hunting at Goodwill yesterday and got a couple of dolls as well as about 10 packs of incense. They never have Patchouli but I got vanilla, Jasmine, China rain, love, strawberry, Chanel Number 5, opium, lavender and a few more.

One of the Dolls was a friend of Barbie’s and I’m guessing she’s from the Fashionista collection. She’s a very pale redhead with brown eyes. She wears faded jean shorts and a pale pink and white floral tank top that I wasn’t impressed with so I put a burgundy top on her instead that I’ve had for a while.

The other was a porcelain doll that’s about 20 in tall, and even though she’s wearing a Victorian gown, it’s quite lovely and feminine in shades of cream and pale pink. She’s a redhead too, with long flaming curls and green eyes. She’s part of a set, so I found when I looked her up online, sold by Paradise Galleries and made by Donna Rupert, the same person who made Bailey. Megan and baby Moira. Only the baby looks more like a toddler. She wasn’t with her, though. I just got Megan.

I’ve come to realize that Aly is the same old hypochondriac Tammy is with a few exceptions. She doesn’t lie or exaggerate her problems and she actually cares about me as well. But Aly is definitely cursed in the health department. She had to go to the ER for an emergency blood transfusion because her iron was so low and her white blood cell count was very high. She’s got tummy issues and all kinds of shit going on with her. On top of this, she’s thousands of dollars in debt.

Not much in the way of dreams lately. I was having a fun and relaxing swim in a pool a couple of nights ago, doing a backstroke and making sure I didn’t accidentally ram my head into the side of the pool, and last night I seemed to have several dreams of Joe, but don’t remember anything we said or did. Just that I met what was supposed to be his daughter in one of the dreams.

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 9, 2019
“It’s not often that I get this angry but it’s a damn good thing I’m alone right now because I damn sure want to lash out.”

Aly’s latest cryptic tweet on her Twitter account that I don’t follow. Of course she won’t elaborate. I guess some people like for people to wonder about them or maybe it’s a means of prompting them to ask about their riddles. Molly asked why she’s so mad, so maybe she’ll tell her.

A fight with Cam? That’d be my guess, though she didn’t say anything to me about it.

Kim asked if I’d heard from her. I guess they don’t talk often. Aly’s sick of her obsession with this 75-year-old woman named June. I’m sick of the same old questions! But I’m used to it.

Was really hoping the clouds would cancel out the planes this morning but sure enough, at 5:45 on the dot, the first one flew by. When the second one followed 7 minutes later, I threw my headphones on.

Writing on Kiwibox again just for kicks. It’ll be interesting to see who comes around. I’ve opted out of being searchable, and as far as I know, Aly hasn’t been on the site in years, so I should be able to write more freely there.

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 8, 2019
Thank you, Sac Intl, for cutting my quietest hours in half. I used to enjoy the peace (or close enough to it) that I’d get between 8pm - 8am, but thanks to these fuckers, it’s now only about 6 hours of peace I get. I wish I wasn’t bothered by noise like most people!

On the treadmill now shortly after Tom left for work. Slept better last night so I have more energy today for things like working out. Only doing about 40 minutes, though, since my hips are a bit stiff. Plus, I did some other exercises.

Worked on the Elsa and Anna figurines a bit more. It’s very hard to paint such tiny details so their faces don’t look too good. I’m sure their dresses will be much easier. Not sure just how much of the big fairy I want to paint. I may not flesh her out although that would leave her very pale looking. Still, I might try just her leafy “undies,” hair, nails and wings. I can try to do her eyes and lips and hope for the best. Got the paint yesterday for her and while the variety is nicer than what came with the Frozen figurines, I don’t see any flesh tone like what appeared in the picture online. I’m sure I could make it, though. A lot of white with a touch of yellow and a touch of red makes flesh tone, so I’ve learned.

Going to do a couple of loads of laundry today but I thought it would be a good time to hit the treadmill and throw my headphones on because now is prime plane time and I don’t think it’s going to rain until late in the afternoon if it really does. That usually drowns them out.

The more I go through what little there is of the Hawaiian course, the less I like it. It’s not a very pretty language, the spelling is tough, and with the way my memory is these days, I doubt I’ll remember much of what I’m learning.

If I had to develop LS, why couldn’t it be on some other part of my body, even if it were visible rather than on my privates? That’s just too sensitive of an area for a rash. Hell, I’d rather it even be on my face than down there. Part of it is my fault, though, because I’ve been eating some things that Lichen definitely doesn’t like. Thank God most of us lose our libido with menopause as do most older men (though they wouldn’t admit it). If I were to screw, I’d be screwed…in the wrong way, of course.

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 7, 2019
I’m really a colossal fuckup in the kitchen. Taste-wise the lasagna was just okay. Maybe a little bland. Texture-wise it was lacking in oomph. The sauce and the cheese were too runny. Tom had most of it. At least it was edible for my first time.

Lying in bed this cold, dark morning exhausted, thanks to having to take the earbud out because my ear hurt only to be woken up a few hours later by a thunderously loud vehicle of some kind. Had trouble falling back asleep and I might as well have just stayed up because after I went back to sleep and got up 6 hours later, I was just as tired as I would have been on only a few hours of sleep. I don’t get that. I just don’t get why returning to sleep, even if it isn’t always right away, doesn’t refresh me. For some reason, I’m just not one of those who can feel very awake when my sleep gets broken up like that. I know some people can split their sleep just fine, but not me. I just wish I could sleep through all the chaos like the rest of the world seems to be able to, although most people can sleep at night. I wouldn’t have such problems if I could, too. I swear something up there doesn’t want me to sleep any more than it wants me making money.

While my life is far from bad right now, I couldn’t agree more with the question of the day on Ask asking if we agree that nobody goes through more shit (I’m surprised they would swear) in life than someone with a good heart. Maybe if I actually acted on some of my dark, twisted, evil thoughts, life would be even better. The problem is that I’m capable of feeling things like guilt, remorse and regret, so I don’t. I also don’t want to risk being caught and going to jail for anything, even if I may actually deserve to be there. And it would be my shit luck too, that I would get caught.

Another statement I could relate to is how one of the characters in the book I’m listening to now, called The Best Friend, said something about things improving in one area of life means things fall apart in another area. I couldn’t agree with that more! Do better financially, and acquire an anxiety disorder.

Then there was something about God supposedly turning on those that turn on Him. Well, shouldn’t He have thought of that before He allowed so many bad things to happen to some people? This is, if He really exists, of course.

Today I’m too tired to work out or even finish the dusting which I can always do later or tomorrow, but I managed to walk 65 minutes yesterday and burn 260 calories. I felt good afterward. No hip pain or sore feet. Fucking planes were so loud, though, I could hear them over the whir of the treadmill and the show I was watching. I’ve got the air cleaner running beside me and I can faintly make out the planes over it which are really bad beginning at 5:45 AM until somewhere between 7 and 8. Starts up again around 9 or 10 at night and goes on till midnight. It’s actually round the clock but those are the times it’s most noticeable. We’ve got rain returning which is both good and bad. It will definitely make it more peaceful but that means potential leaks, the house smelling a bit, and my lungs being tight.

I may not be able to lose weight since I can’t stand to cut my calories low enough to do it that way, but walking a lot definitely seems to speed up my metabolism and reshape me. I lose inches. It was funny how one of my doctors told me I “looked great” when I was walking a lot and congratulated me on my weight loss when I had only lost a few pounds.

Just when we were about to cancel Hulu after our free month, I found a bunch of goodies so we’re going to extend it at least another month. We both hate commercials so we’ll pay more to get rid of them. Been watching some docuseries. Most of what’s out there today are “docs” anyway, and they’re American-made so I don’t have to deal with accents or subtitles, though I do turn those on anyway. Right now I’m watching Obsession: Dark Desires.

I also watched a docuseries on both Jodi Arias and Casey Anthony, even though I know the stories. Both should be executed, although I don’t know if I can agree that it was a case of premeditation in Jodi’s case. Like one of the jurors said, why would she go over and have sex with Travis all day if she knew she was going to kill him? Why not just get right down to business?

Definitely agree that Travis led her on and played with her head, but perhaps not intentionally. I think he was confused and torn between being Mormon and being human. But his confusion strung Jodi along and for some reason, she just couldn’t dump him and find someone else, which I would think would have been simple enough for her to do because she was attractive and guys are usually pretty easy.

Her bringing the two gas cans supposedly so she wouldn’t have to stop and Arizona and leave any traceable transactions after California and before Utah is a little suspicious, though.

Casey’s case was as obvious as could be that I’m absolutely dumbfounded as to why she wasn’t convicted at least on some of the lesser charges. Based on all the evidence it’s quite obvious that she got the chloroform that she had looked up online, knocked her kid out, then put duct tape over her mouth to suffocate her while she was out. Then she dumped the kid in the woods and happily carried on with her life as a” free” woman. Really, that one was a no-brainer. But God will bless her with all kinds of good things, money galore, and I’m sure she’ll have more kids, too.

Tom brought up the possibility of the new blood pressure monitor’s wristband not being broken in yet and being a bit stiff, so I should compare its readings with the old one to see how they compare. The new one is a little higher than the old one but not much. I’ve definitely got blood pressure issues with both top and bottom numbers no matter what I eat and no matter how active I am. It’s called “getting older” and I’ve decided that it absolutely, positively sucks shit. I don’t care how much smarter we get with age! The rest of it sucks too much to matter. I’d rather go back to being a young naive little idiot.

Tom said he was stopping at Walmart on the way home and asked if I wanted anything. I said sure, and one of the things he got was a 12-pack of strawberry margaritas. Today I won’t bother because I’m tired but I like to have a drink before bed most days. It was funny because he started to say that it had a “blood” alcohol content of 8% instead of the usual 5% my wine coolers have. LOL

Again, if I’m not going to lose weight, a couple extra hundred calories won’t hurt me. I stay between 1500-2000, keep active, and I shouldn’t gain on that. I’ve been in the same weight range for a while now. If I were ever disabled to the point that I couldn’t be active, OMG! I’d have to damn near starve myself for sure.

I’m not overly knowledgeable when it comes to alcohol. All I know is that I won’t allow myself more than one drink a day and I will never drink myself drunk. I thought of different ideas. I could get that big bottle of Vodka we saw at Sam’s, some OJ, and make my own screwdrivers. When doing some research I was surprised to find some things have an alcohol percentage in the 30s and even higher. I thought, wouldn’t you damn near pass out? But I guess you don’t usually drink certain things straight up or in larger quantities. Like the Smirnoff Whipped Cream I found on Walmart’s site. This is something that would be good to add an ounce to soda or decaffeinated coffee before bed or when the anxiety returns.

I’d never touch a Bloody Mary because I hate the ingredients in it.

As I’ve written before, Tom and I had a mostly shitty sex life together until it became non-existent altogether. I really do believe his inability to get off regularly was beyond his control. I just think it was a problem he didn’t mind having and that he didn’t want to fix. I think the thought of addressing it to a doctor was embarrassing to him and I’m pretty sure he didn’t really want kids deep down. So I haven’t blamed him for that much for years. I don’t “blame” him for anything now either. However, I do think I should have been told of this problem upfront. I don’t know if I would have been old enough or wise enough to understand it at the time but at least I would have been told.

The only thing I remember dreaming about last night was going to these houses in a somewhat rural area with a couple of friends and breaking into them. I don’t know who I was with but I know that in one of the houses we broke into, we could hear an older lady locked in her bedroom on the phone with the police. So we ran out of the house as fast as we could, not wanting to risk getting caught or maybe even shot by the woman. As I was fleeing, I realized I left my coat behind. For some reason, I had taken it off once we got inside the house. So now I was terrified that I would be caught.

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 6, 2019
While it’s good to know what foods trigger my LS, again I can’t help but think of how unfortunate it is that I was the one that had to research and learn this information on my own. What if the Internet never existed? Better yet, why the hell didn’t Amy or any other doctor tell me what I needed to know? Why wasn’t I given a list of the foods and drinks that could potentially be a problem?

Tom just left for work and I’m lying in bed as Roomba vacuums the bedroom. As I lie here bracing myself for the return of my inevitable anxiety and trying to remain in the present and enjoy the calm while it lasts, I thought I would jot down some thoughts. Well, as usual, I’m speaking and watching this turn into print as I go along.

Since everything is either foreign shit or docks, I watched a three-part Jodi Arias documentary on Hulu which we’re about to cancel. I’ve always been as fascinated by the case as most people seem to be and as I usually am when it pertains to female killers. Naturally, it brought back a slew of memories pertaining to my own case even though it was drastically different. I wasn’t just remembering the case itself or my time in jail, but some of the detention officers and inmates as well and wondering what they’re up to these days. I looked up some of the inmates I knew that eventually went from jail to prison like Rosa, Myra, Hope, Kim, Teresa and even Marilyn who I was glad to see hasn’t returned since 2008. Hope isn’t getting out till 2040 and Teresa would have to live until 2131 to see freedom again. Ugh, how do they do it? Regardless of their crimes and whether or not their sentence is just, how do they not kill themselves the first chance they get?

Wonder how many of these people have met Jodi? She’s in the Lumley unit and I know some of these people are, too.

I thought of how my barbaric sentence could have been even worse, if one can believe it, and how I could have ended up in Perryville myself for a year or two. I went through my usual list of regrets… I should have beaten the shit out of the bitch when I had the chance because then I would have deserved my sentence, I should have never gone to court, I should have absconded, and so on and so forth.

And then I thought of family. Despite the flaws in his family, I sometimes miss having local family and friends but then it does take a lot more than biology to be “family,” and my friend at the time wasn’t really my friend, was he? If we were suddenly homeless for any given reason, we’d be fucked. Totally fucked. We’d have no one to run to. While this is sad to know, this prospect is a lot less terrifying than it once was after what I went through with my meds and anxiety which was far scarier than anything else I can ever imagine going through in my remaining 25 years or so. Only losing Tom and then hoping I didn’t fuck up when killing myself would be scarier.

I’m trying to change my way of thinking and I’m trying to focus on the present rather than the future and concentrate on what is and not what might be. And also on what I can control. The older I get, the more I realize that getting overly sensitive or emotional about shit is pointless.

We were compensated for our years of financial struggles and I was compensated with true love after several years of rejection from those I wanted and offers from those I didn’t. Too bad I know compensation for living in one noisy place after another isn’t likely to happen any more than compensation for being fat for over a decade, but I suppose it depends on how you look at it. Perhaps the fat is actually compensation for spending the better part of my younger years on the thin side.

Haven’t had any alcohol at the end of my day for a few days and I wonder if the fact that I miss it is a bad thing. Perhaps I was getting to like it a little too much and was getting too used to those end-of-the-day wine coolers. I stopped because I thought cutting out the extra calories would help, but then I remember that cutting back doesn’t cut it for me, so why not indulge? No reason I couldn’t eat 1300 to 1400 calories of food and include a 200-calorie wine cooler. I won’t gain on 1500-1600 cals + exercise.

No car, Tom just said. He drove around the circle on his way to work. I’m both surprised and not. I think he’s staying here part-time. I’m sure he’ll be in for breakfast since he obviously can’t buy or make his own. Not going to tell the Twenties he’s not here because I still want them to complain. I like the idea of them making potential trouble for these rude, annoying assholes.

Speaking of annoying assholes, it’s clear and cold this morning, so I’m guessing it’ll be plane time any minute now. They’ve been quieter but I think that’s only due to the clouds and rain. I doubt it’ll rain much, if at all, today.

I’m actually writing this early Tuesday morning but since I’m on nights now, I’ll wait until after I’ve slept so I can add any dreams I may remember and probably post this after midnight tomorrow.

Okay, so I got up around 8 and I can’t remember a single dream. I know I woke up at one point and made a mental note of a quick dream I had, but I can’t remember it now.

No car yesterday morning either.

At 156/97 I’d say lowering the sodium and upping the exercise isn’t doing me any good any more than cutting calories to a reasonable amount for weight loss does me any good.

Aly has a couple of job interviews tomorrow. Kind of hoping she gets a job full-time where she doesn’t have as much time for texting though she could always do it on breaks. Maybe even more often. Some jobs allow you to be online all day. Nane worked in an office yet was able to go on Facebook for most of the day.

The rain has backed off and now the planes are back in full swing and doing a fine job of annoying me. At least I have my paints and brushes on the way to look forward to as well as chocolate raspberry K-cups.

My first lasagna is now baking in the oven and it will be interesting to see how my version of it comes out!

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 5, 2019
Only I could have approximately 1200 calories as I did yesterday and be active for nearly an hour just to find myself up half a pound the next day. rolls eyes Oh well. My body must feel it needs the extra weight then. I just don’t know why. Since cutting back doesn’t bring me results, I’ll just aim for 1500 cals a day. No use in putting myself out for nothing. Still gotta watch my sodium and cholesterol intake, though.

Listening to the distant thump of bass. I’m not kidding when I say adult communities aren’t any quieter than the mainstream. You don’t get barking or screaming kids but you get plenty of other shit to make up for it.

Asked Carolyn if they still plan to complain about the loud car punk and they said they do plan on it, but that Jon has been sick with a cold and flu. Heard the shithead at 6:45 yesterday morning and because I only heard them once between that time and when I crashed a few hours later, it was pretty obvious that they didn’t come in for breakfast and that they stayed here overnight. Maybe they think they can get away with things if they don’t stay overnight every single night. They seem to work from 7-3 at least part-time. I don’t know why so many young people don’t want their own place despite this country’s push for independence. It’s been this way for quite a while now with so many millennials wanting to remain big kids forever. They seem to really lack ambition.

I’m still not going to bother to pursue the bastard myself other than the anonymous message I sent, but if Jon and Carolyn come over when I’m up and want me to fill out forms along with them, I’ll go for it. The cock should never know who we are but either way, at least he couldn’t play the race card. I know I said I would never let the past keep me from expressing myself or standing up for what’s right but that’s not what it’s about for me. It’s knowing that complaints are only temporary fixes, and even if they weren’t in this case, there are a million other loud vehicles tearing in and out of this place. So what’s one more? I also wasn’t kidding when I said you may as well take the house you like better that happens to be on a busy street than the one you don’t like quite as much that’s more out-of-the-way because you’re still going to hear enough loud sounds no matter where you go.

Speaking of the past, sometimes I still burn with anger towards the black bitch that helped ruin my life for seven years and I’m sure I always will, even though writing the story has helped a bit. Sometimes I wish she would magically appear so I could torture the shit out of her for days on end. I would never kill her, though, so she would have to live with what I did to her just like I have to live with the hell she put me through, just like in my “true” story. After what happened, I never saw blacks the same. I’ll be the first to admit this although that means as a whole and not specific individuals I may meet along the way that has been kind to me or at least never given me any reason to dislike them. Otherwise, you lose credibility as the so-called “victim” in my eyes when you do shit like what was done to me, and my case was far from unique. Blacks and whites alike can blame whites for everything wrong in the world and delude themselves into thinking that white privilege actually exists, but I know better after what I’ve seen with my own two eyes. I’ll never see blacks as a whole in the same light ever again. Even Steve would have been downright disgusted and ashamed of the sickos in Arizona and he was black as midnight.

Was looking at Nettles Island and Hutchinson Island where my folks lived. Regardless of what noise you may hear, it really sucks that we can’t live there. It’s an awesome area overall. I don’t think the problem would be affording the space for rent. The problem would be buying a place in the first place. No one’s going to give us a loan for a place that’s a quarter-mil at the age we’ll be even with good credit because they know we can’t live long enough to pay it off. I don’t have to be a financial genius to know this.

It took two days for the burning and itching to stop, but yes, Sugar Babies and all other hot chocolate and cocoa must be added to my list of things to avoid.

Feeling bad for Aly now. It seems she always has a problem. Always. I can’t exactly say she’s the same hypochondriac Tammy is but still… Her latest problem is being laid off from the daycare center because they’re downsizing. Almost all jobs do let you go eventually and I’m astonished that they haven’t let Tom go yet. Then again, it makes sense, if there is anything up there that’s been cursing my health/sanity, that he hasn’t been let go because we need the insurance and money to deal with it. I even wonder if he was meant to get a job with a foreign-based company so it would be even easier to get me to appointments. It would have been incredibly hard with an American job, especially if he was on first shift. So did anything up there lead him to a foreign-based job so it could have fun torturing me physically and mentally and therefore needing to be brought to doctors more often? I don’t know for sure but it sure does make me wonder.

Now that I’m better, I wonder if this means our finances are going to go down since it seems to be either financial issues or health issues. I’d still rather the financial issues but it would be nice if we didn’t have to deal with either for a while. But then I’m not “better.” Just because I haven’t been anxious for a couple of weeks doesn’t mean it isn’t going to come back. It always does. I thought of all the problems that have been piled on me, ranging from minor to not so minor, since I was in jail and wow, what a list!

A dead thyroid
TMJ
LS
Weight gain
Stiff joints
A questionable bladder
Shitty vision
Ladystache
Groin rash
Anxiety
High cholesterol
High blood pressure
My office companions are getting a little braver and friendlier each day even if I don’t expect them to ever be like Tinkerbell, Blondie or Sugar. Haven’t seen them playing with each other yet but they were in a playful mood yesterday. When they run in fear it’s pretty much a straight, smooth streak of movement. But when they’re happy they’re bouncy.

The pigs love to run around and chase each other and are quite chatty.

Fuzzy is definitely more curious and interested in hanging out with me. Yesterday I was able to get both of them to step out onto the ramp. I can tell they’re getting closer to wanting to run around loose. Even if I have a hard time getting them back at first, rats never forget the way to and from places and always make their way back home. They have scent glands in their back feet which also guides them back to where they came from so even if one busted out before being trained and obedient enough to come when called, he’ll eventually find his way back home.

Guinea pigs, on the other hand, aren’t smart enough to make their way back home even if they could get into their house on their own and they’re also not smart enough not to chew wires. Rats somehow know this is dangerous.

Last night I had a dream that we had our own boat. It was small but seemed to be able to move pretty fast. I was lounging below the deck while Tom was navigating us from one place to another and I could tell when we were nearing our destination because he slowed down.

The only other dream I remember was sitting at a picnic table with others who were being served these strange drinks. In tall glasses were white daisies in some kind of clear liquid.

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 4, 2019
Tom seems to be doing well with his food rationing regimen where he rations out a set amount of food for the week and I’m going to try it too, only I’m going to do it by the day instead of by the week. Each day I will have to ration a set portion of food for that day.

And no more just standing there doing my teeth which is boring anyway. For each quadrant, I will be doing a different exercise be it calf raises, squats or lunges. Anything that doesn’t involve the use of my hands or arms.

Going to Sam’s weekly for veggies seems to be working out well too, because then the animals and I can have all we want without worrying about running out and without worrying about what we might waste since it’s so much cheaper that way.

Overall grocery shopping has gotten pretty frustrating for me because I’m trying to find things that are healthy and filling while avoiding cholesterol, sodium and foods that aren’t lichen/anxiety-friendly. That doesn’t leave me with much. Looked up a simple recipe for making lasagna, though I don’t think I should go loading up on carbs either just because pasta doesn’t have as many of my enemies in it.

White rice is said to be bad for anxiety and I know that they weren’t kidding when they said pizza and canned soup can trigger anxiety so I don’t want to get too focused on rice even though it’s cheap. Then again, alcohol is supposed to be bad for anxiety and I was having a wine cooler at the end of my day for quite a while yet it didn’t trigger it. That’s stopped because I don’t need the extra couple hundred calories.

I’m never going to lose weight. I get that. But there are still things I can do to get healthier. My blood pressure is getting worse and making my head feel funny at times, especially when I first stand up. So good changes are in order!

I have a bunch of tin casserole dishes I got when I was making incense so I may as well use some of them. Found a lasagna recipe even I can follow which I can make in one of them and not have the hassle of cleaning the dish afterward. I don’t even have to use all the ingredients listed. I don’t need the pound of beef and I don’t need the egg which has more cholesterol than the other ingredients.

Okay, that’s enough food talk before I go making myself hungry! LOL

Just heard some rain start up again so I guess it’s a good thing I didn’t go out walking. It’s too cold anyway. We’re having another cold snap. It’s going to get down into the 30s tomorrow morning. Tom said it rained so hard while I slept that he swears we got an inch in 15 minutes. Well, California needs it!

I’m a little worried that something may be wrong with my bladder. I know we can get incontinence when we get older but I’m only 53, not 73. Yet even when I’m patient and wait until I’m all peed out and am sure to wipe myself well, I sometimes still feel wet shortly afterward, but it’s definitely not blood. So if it’s coming from the other hole, it ain’t good news. Pretty sure it is pee, though.

Then there are my rashes. Both of them drive me crazy at times, especially my crotch. The Sugar Babies definitely makes me burn and itch more down there. I’m just finally getting better after having Sugar Babies a couple of days ago.

My groin rash threatens to flare up as fast as I back it off with the fungal cream. I’ll have to mention it to Doc A.

I don’t remember anything in the way of dreams last night but I did sleep well so that’s good.

A few hours before I crashed we went to Walgreens at about 3ish and got a few treats as well as figurines of the main characters from Frozen, Elsa and Anna, to paint. Painting these figurines has proven to be a little trickier than expected because they’re so tiny and detailed and also because the paint streaks, even after a second coat. They provided a color chart to get the colors necessary. I never would have guessed you would need to add a little red and yellow to white in order to get flesh tone for the skin.

Looked up what this animated movie is about and it seems pretty stupid. Some silly shit about Elsa having the power to create snow and ice and accidentally getting them stuck in an eternal winter.

The figurines are still cute and they were cheap. Just $7, though they may have been on sale. It’s good practice for painting my fairy as I still plan to do, but I think she’s going to be easier because she’s both bigger and less detailed. She is nearly naked, after all.

I also found some perfume at the store that smells exactly like one of my favorites, Pink Sugar, even though it’s called Sweet Blossom.

My little furballs are noticeably bigger and warming up to me a little more. As I said, I don’t expect these to be the best rats we ever had but they let me put them in what I’m calling the office cage without a fight. When they were in the big cage in the living room under the pigs, Fuzzy climbed out on my forearm but only for a few seconds. I also held the long exit ramp from the cage and extended it onto my shoulder and he walked up to me but then quickly scampered back across it. So cute!

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 2, 2019
I was surprised to learn that Ray is about to turn 70. Guy looks like he’s in his mid-eighties but I guess that makes more sense as most people aren’t going to move to another state in their mid-eighties.

The rats are warming up to me a little but they still have a long way to go.

Other than that there really isn’t much to update on besides weather and dreams. It’s been pretty wet out there. I hear it raining now.

Slept better the last time around so I’m a little more awake today. Started off without the earbud and then when traffic woke me up as I knew it would a few hours later, I inserted the bud and was fine.

I dreamt of my nieces last night and I guess I was staying with Becky and Sarah in this weird apartment they had. It was a two-story place that was very narrow in that it was deeper than it was wide. The weird thing was that you could see partway into the neighbor’s place if you were in the very front of it.

One of the perks of living there was a free buffet at mealtimes. The food was plentiful and very good. Lots of good variety but most of it was fried and unhealthy stuff. I loaded up a plate and sat down to eat with them and several others in a community eating area. I said I could never live there because I would eat like a pig and gain so much weight. My nieces didn’t say anything to that but seemed annoyed, almost as if I was making personal jabs at their weight.

Then I was lying on their couch in the living room when the door opened and a young woman stood staring angrily at me. I knew right away it was Lisa.

“I’m so out of here,” she said, and then she backed out and left. I assumed that she thought I would be gone by then.

Tammy later stopped by and I told her about it and how I was ready to charge Lisa, I was so sick of her senseless grudge.

Then Sarah was singing and I told her she was pretty good and that I wasn’t surprised because I could usually tell by a person’s speaking voice whether or not they could sing, and said I doubted Becky could sing. In real life, I doubt either of them could.

There was a grocery store that was attached to the end of their building and Sarah asked me to grab her an orange yogurt while she waited outside, which I thought was disgusting.

In the last part of the dream, I was nervously climbing these rickety wooden stairs to Becky and Sarah’s attic. The stairs consisted of thin wooden slats and even though it held Sarah, who had nearly 100 pounds on me, I was worried about falling through.

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 1, 2019
We’re planning on taking the glue gun and gluing the side guards down to the tray pans. Whoever designed this cage was a real idiot. The skeleton of the cage is great. But to have these Snap-On guards in which the bedding squeezes through and makes a mess almost as much as with no guards at all is ridiculous. That and the mesh are definitely a must where the pigs are because they kick out way too much shit being bigger than rats when they run around when they’re either playing or startled which is pretty much every other minute. At least they’re calm when I hold them.

The rats, on the other hand, are horrible and I totally regret getting them. Totally. We never ever had rats this timid before. Ever. I put them in the birdcage and brought them into my office and placed them on a corner of the desk to try to get them used to being around me. Right now they’re showing some true cower power by squeezing themselves into the corner farthest from me as if I’m gonna beat the shit out of them.

What the fuck was I thinking when I got them?! Damn, I’m sick of this shit and I should have known better. Not only that I’d get timid rats but I don’t have the energy I used to have. Why do I keep getting things just because they’re cute? I hate how hard it is to tell them apart, too. If I was going to be dumb enough to get them, I should’ve gotten one of the white ones. Fuzzy is a touch lighter with a bit more white. He’s slightly smaller, too.

They definitely make for adorable office decorations, but I don’t think they’re going to get much braver. Tom feels confident they’ll do what we want if we train them and show them that they’ll get treats for interacting with us, but believe me, I know enough about rat personality to say for sure that they’re not going to want treats bad enough to bend to our desires. A rat is pretty much how they’re always going to be and you really can’t do much to change that any more than you can change most people. You could probably make a brave rat timid if you abused it, not that I can imagine anyone in their right mind wanting to do that, but I think there’s only so much you can do with a timid rat. They’re only going to get so brave and so sociable. Fuzzy is definitely braver than Woody, though. The fact that I haven’t seen them playing is just as weird as the pigs not drinking from their water bottle.

I really ought to try to train myself to just deal with the regular wake-up calls from traffic and do away with the earbuds because they irritate me at times and I often catch a wire with a hand or an arm when shifting positions and knock them loose. Besides, when we move to Florida I’m going to have to deal with thunderstorms waking me up and traffic. Even if we were suddenly on a low-traffic street, there are so many loud vehicles these days that the odds of one traveling on it regularly are way up there. I really should just reserve the earbuds for when it gets close to appointments and my sleep is more important. Yes, being tired makes it harder to do physical things like working out and all that, but it’s kind of relaxing at the same time and makes it less likely for me to get anxious since it’s sort of like a sedative.

Had this weird dream we were living in some kind of duplex only instead of the units being side by side they were stacked and we were on the second floor. It was a cold, dark morning and Tom had just left for work. I was listening to music that was playing out of the oven of all places and it took me a minute to figure out how to turn it off.

Then I turned off all the lights because I was getting tired and it was coming to the end of my day. I walked up to the living room window and placed my forehead upon the windowpane as I looked down at the street and saw the shadowy form of a guy standing there that I assumed was waiting for the bus or a ride from someone. I jumped back for some reason even though I was pretty sure the guy spotted me and even waved to me. But for some reason, instead of returning the greeting, I was creeped out by the guy’s presence.

I quickly told Alexa to turn on the living room light and then the bedroom light right after I commanded her to turn on the living room to try to trick the guy into thinking someone was with me, but I asked her too quickly and she failed to turn on the bedroom right after turning on the living room.

I also had a dream that Tom dropped me off at some mall to purchase a $15 water bottle for the animals. The store only accepted cash when I went to pay for it and I found I was $2 short. An old lady standing next to me offered to pay the two dollars, but I decided not to bother so I left the water bottle there and went to call Tom to pick me up. Then I realized I didn’t have my phone with me and made a mental note to take it out with me even though I would only use it for urgent matters since there was nothing else that couldn’t wait till I got home.

So then I went in search of a phone. I asked some guy if I could borrow his phone to call for a ride and he handed me his phone. But then I couldn’t remember Tom’s damn number so I was hopelessly stranded at this mall.

Feeling bad for Aly. She’s likely to get laid off, though she’ll still get money from nannying and has Cam and her parents. I wonder if she would have struggled as much if she’d gotten a regular job with regular benefits a long time ago.

I asked her if she thought Cam was the one and she said she didn’t know as much as she’d like to settle down.

He isn’t then. When you meet the right one, you know it. I just didn’t tell her that, of course.

The thing is I don’t know if Aly is exactly relationship material to begin with. She may be intelligent but she’s awfully - well - I don’t know if unstable is the proper word but yeah, she has one crisis after another and is pretty emotional and sensitive. I know what it’s like as I was once there but she’s in her late thirties, not her early twenties.

The rats started moving around a bit but only Fuzzy took food from me. He finally trusts me enough not to keep a wide eye on me. Woody is still keeping a constant eye on me. Actually, he’s getting too tired to keep watch, from the looks of it. Wait! Now Woody’s up taking food from me. Ah, progress!