December 2018 in 2010s

MONDAY, DECEMBER 31, 2018
Since Tom never uses his Facebook account, we agreed to have me deactivate it for him. One less account for the black bitch to block. Really wish I’d thought to ask him about killing his account before she blocked him but oh well.

On Aly’s other Twitter account she talks of her New Year’s resolutions and one of them is getting rid of toxic things (and people). Can’t help but wonder if I’m one of those toxic people, even though we haven’t been arguing about anything, but I have been dumped by her before and deemed toxic and depressing. If she dumps me, she dumps me. Tom’s the only person that matters while others are just a bonus that can do what they want. Still prefer to remain friends with her but I’m used to being dumped and the older I get, the less seriously I take most things.

The planes are running later and driving me crazier. There is no escaping the fucking things. Twice I filled out noise complaint forms online at the airport site and twice I’ve been ignored. I’d like to think it’s just a holiday thing but this actually started around September. I think they changed flight paths and that this is the way it’s going to be indefinitely. It’s sad that something up there feels I should be so damn cursed with noise that I can’t even have peace at night anymore. The one thing I used to look forward to was the peacefulness of the nighttime but now that too, is gone. The best I can do is hope I don’t hear them in the summer like we don’t hear the freeway at that time.

Going to be seeing the nurse in 9 hours about my blood pressure and we may stop at Goodwill on the way back. Depends on how tired I am. I got up at 10 which means I’ll sleep through New Year’s on the East Coast and won’t be able to watch the ball go down in Times Square live, but I’ll be up in time for New Year’s here which is a good thing in case fireworks wake me up.

Last night’s dream was pretty gross. We decided to shop for rats and for some reason we thought white rats were our only option where we went. Tom asked a young girl sitting at a desk for a white rat and she said we had to go pick one out ourselves. He seemed annoyed with this answer but didn’t say anything. So we went into this room where another woman that I seemed to know and like sat behind another desk assisting customers. I waved to her on my way in, not sure she saw me. Then I was delighted to find a cage full of rats with all different colors and markings. I was even happier to find my favorite, a cinnamon rat.

Yet once I got home I fried and ate the poor thing, saying that it didn’t look like a cinnamon or a Berkshire and that I should have gotten two of them since I ended up eating one. It seemed to look and taste like fried chicken. Gross dream!

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 30, 2018
Began watching You which Aly recommended a while back. I haven’t seen enough of it to really judge it but it totally figures that they had to reference hate groups like BLM and make other small but obvious references to race.

Not much to update on other than that we ran out to Sam’s yesterday and probably won’t be going anywhere today.

It was so fucking cold yesterday morning! Just so fucking cold! It was 37° but it felt like 20°.

The planes were surprisingly quiet when I got up at 9pm but by 11:30, they were back at it.

Had some weird dreams last night. In one dream, Bob and Virginia’s place was set back further and in a different direction rather than in line with our house. They had a second building in front of their place which I’d never been in but wondered what was inside. Then one time I was walking between the places when they had the blinds open to one of the windows and I could see a beautiful and elegantly decorated room. I thought how it didn’t surprise me that they’d set up such a nice room in this building.

Then a second later I was actually inside the room watching TV with Bob, Virginia and Jim. Bob lifted a heavy footstool and placed it in front of his chair and Jim chuckled and chastised him for lifting objects heavier than he should be lifting at his age.

In the second dream, we were living who knows where. It almost looked like the Phoenix house but the back door was in the wrong place. It was off the second bedroom. We left this door open, expecting to be back from wherever we went a lot sooner than we were. I went back to the house myself to get something and check on things while I was at it, worried someone may have gotten in during our absence.

When I got inside the house it was just getting light out and when I went to flick the light switches on I noticed the power was out in some of the rooms. When I checked the master bedroom I could just make out the sleeping form of someone in the bed.

“Who are you?!” I suddenly shouted, startling the person from their sleep. I jumped on the bed and said, “Get over here! Get out now!”

As I pulled them out into the hallway I could see a young skinny guy with dark eyes and dark curly hair. He started off at my height but then seemed to grow a little taller. I demanded to know who he was and ordered him to get out or else I would call the cops.

He insisted he at least use the bathroom and take a quick shower first. I told him to hurry up and that I was throwing him out afterward.

While he was in the bathroom, first I checked to make sure nothing was stolen and then I gathered some old food we didn’t want, including a half-eaten loaf of bread that was on the verge of expiring. I threw the stuff in a bag and handed it to him on his way out.

“You’re lucky I’m not calling the cops,” I told him. “Instead, I’ve written a name and number on this piece of paper.”

I handed it to him along with the bag and said, “Let’s continue talking outside.”

Relieved that I didn’t have to physically fight to force him outside of the house, I told him to call the number on the paper and ask for the name next to it.

He kept his eyes on me and I told him, “Look at the paper.”

He slowly turned toward the paper and took it as if it was a real chore and a burden for him to do so, not bothering to hide his lack of interest and lack of gratitude for my help.

“The second name is mine. Tell the woman I referred you and she’ll help you get on your feet. For now, get out of here and don’t come back. You’re welcome, too.”

The dream ended with me watching the guy quietly shuffle around the corner and wondering if I would regret either not calling the cops or beating the shit out of him.

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 29, 2018
Perhaps if it wasn’t for the fact that I slept on and off forever, I wouldn’t have hit 150.6 for the first time since late 2016. If it isn’t the medication then I’m definitely liking this new disease, whatever it is, LOL. It both makes sense and doesn’t. Of course a faster metabolism means you should lose weight if you’re active and not overeating. But then why didn’t I lose weight before when I wasn’t going thyrotoxic? It also seems like my calorie intake is still a bit high for weight loss. Even when I was young it took about 1000 calories to lose weight yet I’m still closer to 1500. It’s going very slow, though, like it always would when I would lose weight. If I lose any more it should be a while before I slip into the 140s and therefore no longer obese. Then again, I was never literally “obese” if you go by my inches and not my weight since muscle weighs more than fat. But I could definitely stand to lose 20 to 30 lb. I’m just worried about how it may affect how my meds affect me. I don’t think I’ll lose that much, though. Tom can see 5 to 10 lb. Well, the highest I’ve then upon waking up was 156.

Not only is losing weight without trying and without going hyper a bit weird but so is my memory loss, regular fatigue and feeling a bit off-balance. These can be signs of a brain tumor or Parkinson’s. We’re thinking the dizziness and fatigue could be my high BP but I’m really nervous about my next set of thyroid numbers, particularly my T4 hitting 1.4. So much for hoping vitamin D would help with sleep and energy, though. I knew those two days of decent sleep and energy were flukes. Tiredness is the norm, not the exception. IDK, maybe I really could have sleep apnea and not know it. Will have to mention it to my ENT in May.

I was watching a random YouTube video on alcohol hacks and one of them said that it soothes the skin. So I put it on my groin rash and while I can still see it, it definitely feels better.

Tom said he and Bob waved to each other when he was going to the house across from him but they weren’t close enough to talk. Tom was at the mailboxes. I haven’t had a chance to get over there, thanks to my fucking schedule. After these many days, I would say it’s safe to assume Virginia is still alive no matter where she is. I would think his place would be swarming with visitors if she had died and Bob definitely would have made a point of saying something to Tom.

Got my new nightgown and it fits perfectly even if the sleeves are a bit long. Love my Pilates ring as well which will be great for working my inner thighs since that particular exercise on the Bowflex is a bit tricky. It’s too easy to get hurt and pull a muscle because you have to work one leg at a time. But this way I can put the ring between my knees and squeeze evenly with both legs.

I’m glad that women didn’t lose their rights in Ohio as they nearly did due to that ridiculous heartbeat bill. The way they claim a heartbeat makes it a person is utterly asinine. My betta has a heartbeat but that doesn’t make it a person. What’s a little scary is how narrowly it escaped being passed. I don’t understand why abortion is getting increasingly frowned upon these days. Most men are no less resistant to the idea of having kids than they’ve always been and women are choosing careers over family more and more whether or not they’re in a relationship. So what’s the problem then?

Aly agrees with Tom in that not all obits are listed if the family doesn’t want one listed. There was never one for Aly’s grandfather or a former classmate who died. But would Miss Perfect choose not to list the queen for some reason? His brother Ray was listed but that would’ve been up to his wife Nora, not Miss Perfect.

Still haven’t heard from Kim but Aly did yesterday. She’s been busy as her family is not only rearranging her room but they do a few celebrations with different family members. Wonder how she managed to hide her Kindle with them reorganizing her room?

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 28, 2018
Lying in bed without air cleaners or sound machines and listening to the nonstop whooshing sound of the freeway along with the planes. With 20-something years left to live, I realize I really ought to get used to it once and for all. The world gets noisier with time, not quieter. If we do manage to nab a place quieter than this someday, it can’t be by very much.

Woke up with that drugged, groggy, dizzy feeling after sleeping at least somewhat shitty. I woke up in the middle of my sleep with a bit of a stuffy nose so I took baby Benadryl after I got up to pee. It just doesn’t make sense that I would wake up this out of it, though. I didn’t even feel this out of it after an adult Benadryl would knock me out into a nap. So why do I feel so tired and out of it? I seemed to have slept okay otherwise. Let’s just say this is one of those days I’m glad I don’t have a schedule and therefore a job outside of home.

My blood pressure was better the last few days but I did have neck knockers when I got up. This was probably because I stupidly slammed on some sugar before bed. I was too tired for a full meal and I didn’t think a handful of nuts and cherries would satisfy my hunger, so I went for the Chips Ahoy like an idiot.

I’ve been doing well with not feeling anxious. When I felt traces of it a few days ago I thought I would be in for yet another long drawn-out, nasty spell, but I’m doing okay if only for now.

Interestingly enough I haven’t heard from Kim since Christmas morning. She rarely skips more than a day without contacting me and I’m beginning to wonder if she’s either really sick or they caught her with her Kindle. I asked Aly if she’d heard from her but we’re on opposite schedules now so I don’t expect to hear from her for a while. She’s having a rough time of it herself. Her 70-year-old dad who just retired is having back surgery and back pain galore, and now her boyfriend has the shingles.

I vaguely remember dreaming about Aly visiting but don’t remember any real details about the visit.

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 26, 2018
LOVE how I can tell Alexa to drop the heat if I don’t remember till after getting on the treadmill.

If I had the memory I used to have, then I would have remembered that Campbell’s couldn’t see my tweet because my Twitter account was private. Thank God for younger friends with better memories to remind me of this! I could take the PQQ that Tom takes which helps his memory but with my medication/supplement phobia, I think I’ll pass since it’s something that’s annoying as opposed to debilitating.

Anyway, I went public and tweeted to them and they replied apologizing and saying they were going to check into it. They asked for my mailing address and the UPC number on the can in a DM because they want to make it right.

After I replied I went private again and the next time I have anything to say to someone like them or want to give a piece of my mind to some fucked-up celebrity or politician, maybe then I’ll finally remember that I have to go public first. Twitter has a pretty screwy system but that’s just the way it is. If I want to tell LeBron James that it’s pretty fucked up that all he has to do is give a phony apology for his anti-Jewish comments while Roseanne Barr loses so much due to the comments she made in regards to blacks because whites are oh so privileged, then I have to go public.

I’ve met some black people who were absolutely wonderful. Just wonderful. But I really have some pretty strong feelings toward them as a whole. Okay, enough black talk. It’ll only piss me off.

Nothing from Kim since Christmas morning but I would have to not hear from her for four or five days before I started to think something might be up. I know and understand that life gets in the way of social media at times, and sometimes people just aren’t in the mood for it. It would take two whole days of not hearing from Aly before I started worrying about her since we do keep in touch more often.

Google Docs was putting all these Auto Recovery files all over my document page so since I have tons of backups online anyway, I decided to unsync my Mac from Google Drive.

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 25, 2018
I was up late and slept late, though I feel more rested than I’ve felt in several days. I even did a half-hour on the treadmill.

Tom said no one was next door all day. This probably means Virginia is in the hospital. The problem is that I haven’t had a chance to get over and find out what’s going on because by the time anyone is up and about over there in the morning, I’m getting tired and winding down. As soon as my schedule pushes ahead a bit more, I’ll go over there.

Realizing I was dumb enough to have canned soup as well as frozen pizza (bagel bites), which can fuel anxiety, and since it was time to order groceries again anyway, I got foods that are more anxiety-friendly while still going easy on the sodium and cholesterol. I only allowed myself one sugary treat, a tube of M&M’s.

Was worried I’d be in for an anxious night, and I still could be later on, but the walk seemed to help with that. I’ll walk all day and all night if that’s what it takes and I won’t care about sore feet and achy hips either.

Next weekend we’re going to set up the video thing at the health site so that if I have an emergency when I’m home alone, I can sign in to talk to a therapist. Yes, I would prefer to work with Stacey but this way, even though it may be twice as expensive at around $50, he doesn’t have to lose time from work. It would only be for if things turned scary. Anxiety is definitely the worst emotion a human being could ever feel!

Metabolism is definitely picking up. I was within a tenth of hitting down at 150, so I’m down about 5.5 pounds.

All I remember for dreams was sending a letter about who knows what to some TV show host. Might have been a reality series or something like that. The woman actually looked like Kelly Siegler from the reality crime show Cold Justice. I’m not sure what I said in my letter to her but I figured she would blow me off. But then I was out in public somewhere when I saw her drive by and knew she was coming to see me. She wore a silky mauve top with spaghetti straps but that was all I could see of her outfit since she was in a car. So I raced home excitedly to meet her for whatever it was I contacted her about.

MONDAY, DECEMBER 24, 2018
Virginia was whisked away by ambulance again last night at 3:30 in the morning. I got up in the early afternoon to heavy rain and haven’t gone over there to find out what’s going on. More than likely she overdoing it trying to prepare for those 26 people that I’m starting to suspect won’t be showing up tomorrow after all. Sure hope it was nothing serious anyway! Don’t know if she’s still in the hospital or back home.

Being Christmas Eve, I’m really hoping the fucking planes will give me the night off since they’ve been really annoying the last few nights but I’m hearing one right now and this is about when they become more annoying until after midnight. As I said, this is the one place I just can’t get any peace at night or day.

I slept so-so. Not bad but not great since I did wake up several times along the way.

OMG, I am so fucking sick of notifications disrupting me when I’m trying to use Google Docs! This is the fourth time between two different people but some notifications I don’t want to turn off and then later forget to turn them back on.

As I was saying until I had my train of thought interrupted, I woke up tired and ended up taking a nap for about an hour or so a couple of hours after getting up. Then I managed to do 23 minutes on the treadmill while I did a puzzle but I’m still tired. I read that it could be connected to hypertension. Tom and I don’t think it’s chronic fatigue because I don’t have some of the symptoms. I know no one gets every symptom but I don’t think it’s that. I sure hope not! My God, I’ve had enough of the health issues! If I’m meant to be tired the rest of my life just like I’m meant to be farsighted, fat and gray, I don’t know if I can ever really get used to it. I hope I can but better yet, I hope I get my energy back someday and for more than 5 minutes. I’m back on vitamin D so we’ll see if that helps.

I also went back on the ACV shots because my skin has been worse since I stopped. I was itching everywhere yesterday. Still with the groin rash that comes and goes. It seems like as soon as I back it off with a mix of hydrocortisone and Gold Bonds, it returns. Am I really that big or is it something else?

I worry about my anxiety being right around the corner waiting to strike again. It just “feels” like it’s close. The thing is that whether or not it’s connected to the medication or something gone haywire with my brain chemistry, there’s nothing I can do about it either way. I need this medication and I can’t rewire my brain, so unless the shrink can find the proper remedy for me without killing me along the way, there isn’t really much I can do about it.

I let Campbell’s Chunky Soup have it on Twitter because they could have choked me to death on the little piece of black plastic I found in my New England clam chowder. I guess the equipment they manufacture things on contains some plastic. When I did a check, I found that they’ve had this problem going back over a decade. Well, you would think they would have gotten their shit together by now and made sure it doesn’t happen again.

In light of someone cloning one of my Facebook friend’s account and attempting to friend me, I would like to warn anybody I’m connected to there that they should never receive a friend request from me. If they do, it isn’t me. I have ONE account with my real name. I’ve had this account for over a decade and I don’t catfish or go account hopping to try to hide or cover my tracks from whatever shady shit these guys do, so please report any friend requests in my name.

I had this weird dream about being on some mostly deserted beach somewhere with Tom and I mentioned something about it being more valuable than other beaches.

“No, it’s in the wood,” Tom told me.

So I started looking for pieces of driftwood to inspect and try to figure out how it may be more valuable than driftwood from other beaches.

Then I had a dream Nane was my girlfriend and I lived with her. Only instead of being a financial advisor, she was a US Marshal. Because she was constantly away from home, I was left alone. I mean really alone. Because of her job, it made me a potential target for retaliation so I had to be hidden away in this small room or house. Although I had everything I needed there, I couldn’t leave the place and felt very alone. It was true solitary confinement.

Due to being isolated for long periods at a time I began to fall into a deep depression and realized that our so-called relationship had to end since she was much more married to her job than she would ever be to me.

When she returned after chasing after some fugitive overseas, she was all excited and greeted me with a smile, saying she had a surprise for me. Then she saw how depressed and out of it I looked and her face turned worried. Regardless, she went on to tell me it was over. She was quitting her job and would now be around for me all the time. I think we both expected me to be excited but at that point, it was like I had given up on us already. The dream ended then so I don’t know if I left her or she made good on her word to stay home more often.

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 23, 2018
Damn me! Just fucking damn me and my stupidity! Aly mentioned going to a concert on the Twitter account we’re connected on as well as on WhatsApp. But she never said who she was seeing…except for on the account she’s connected to Molly on that I’m not supposed to be following. Okay, so it’s public, but I’ve given her every indication to think I’m not peeking in every few days or so like I have been. She probably figures as much, though, because she hasn’t said anything nasty about me and I know that as sensitive as she is, I’ve got to be saying at least some things that hurt her fragile feelings that she hasn’t told me about.

The thing is that Aly’s not going to miss my slip. She’s too perceptive and smart. I would be really surprised if it went over her head and she didn’t stop and say to herself, “Hey, wait a minute. I never mentioned who we were seeing to her or anywhere that I would expect her to see.”

So when she picks up her messages in the morning she’ll know I’m looking at her other Twitter account in which I see her consoling Molly about her mother’s sudden admission to the hospital which I have absolutely no sympathy for. In some ways, Mrs. M was worse than her daughter. Why? Because she should have known better. She wasn’t crazy like her daughter, she was just mean. For a former college professor, she should have been smart enough to know it was wrong to troll me along with her daughter. She enabled her daughter and stooped to her level as they harassed me together.

I hate to admit it but she also scared the shit out of me with the legal threats. I knew I hadn’t done anything wrong but you don’t do that to someone who was legally dragged through the mud like I was by the Phoenix welfare bums. So Mrs. M can suffer all the misery that may come her way. What she did was pretty unforgivable as far as I’m concerned.

I guess she would be getting kind of old now because she was older when Molly was born. Pretty sure she’s well into her seventies now.

When Tammy left an anti-Trump comment on one of Norma’s many anti-Trump posts, I wanted so bad to say: You’re the one who voted for him. But don’t worry. You “won’t be around long.” Remember?

Fucking melodramatic lying hypochondriac.

I was looking back in old journals on my anxiety history and while it’s still more than obvious to me, whether the doctors believe it or remember it, such as in Dr. O’s case as she doesn’t seem to have a great memory herself, the first time I was on 75s and then when she tried me on 88s, my many severe symptoms were definitely medication-related. The way I started off with severe lung tightness, then the racing, booming heart, anxiety attacks, the runs, rapid weight loss… I don’t know why, but my body considers normal numbers hyper.

It seems like the end of 2015 was when the “butterflies” started but they were tappable once Stacey taught me emotional tapping. I also wrote about a time when I had them one day for a few hours, then they went away for 4 hours, then returned. Well, not only is the chest anxiety untappable but it doesn’t work like that with the chest. They’re more of a black-and-white thing. They’re either on or off. I never skipped doses when I had the butterflies and they eventually went away. I do believe more and more that the butterflies and the chest “stabbers” aren’t connected to the medication. So I either have perimenopause/menopause worse than any case even Dr. A has ever heard of or something in my brain really did break. Something threw my chemistry off. I’d hate to think it was done by the cruel hand of some unseen force but I guess I’ll never know. The question is if the butterflies can go away, can the chest stabbers? It’s only been a month so I have absolutely no reason whatsoever to think they won’t return sooner or later. I think it’s going to be after the new year when I know he’s going to have fewer days off since we’ll be done with holidays for a while and appointments as well. I love not having appointments until March but it will suck knowing that he’ll have to work 5 days a week every week. I’m still kind of surprised he hasn’t been laid off since it’s so common but nothing’s going to jeopardize such a noisy place. I just can’t believe we could ever lose a place that can be noisy even at night. The last two nights the fucking commercials have been at it. They’ve become worse than the small planes which haven’t been much of an issue lately.

We ran out to Walgreens earlier for some treats and replaced about two-thirds of the betta’s water. It seems to be best if we do it every other week.

I miss having rats but I just don’t have the energy I used to have for them and I know damn well we wouldn’t end up with any Tinkerbell, Sugar, Blondie or Little Buddy. California seems to mostly have timid rats.

Re-wrote my list of exercises and hope to motivate myself to be more consistent with that. I just wish I had more energy more often because that would really help! At 53, however, I’m just not going to have the energy I had 20 years ago.

After 5 days of taking my blood pressure 3 times a day, and after what I looked up on WebMD, it looks like I have stage 2 hypertension, which probably requires medication. Not gonna happen!

12/18/18 - 138/84, 148/86, 155/84

12/19/18 - 127/88, 162/89, 156/87

12/20/18 - 144/90, 158/91, 162/90

12/21/18 - 142/83, 148/90, 156/93

12/22/18 - 135/93, 155/89, 129/91

Later…

If Aly didn’t miss the fact that I shouldn’t know who she saw in concert, she’s not saying anything. Sometimes I just wish she would back off on the texting a little bit and I wish Kim would drop to once a week! Not Kim, but Aly messages me about every little thing she does every chance she gets. I would still rather have her message me more often than I’d like than never at all, though.

Definitely don’t like how Aly’s following my journal on Prosebox. Why? To compare what I share publicly with what I share with her? She’s not the only one in Omaha so it could be someone else but I have a feeling it’s not.

We set me up on Google Docs as I believed this would be an easier way to keep just one copy of my journal that auto-syncs whether I update them on my computer or on Google Docs but it turned out to be a rather complex situation much like OneDrive so I’m not going to do much on my laptop anymore. There are enough sites that have gotten pretty reliable where I can just use those. Prosebox isn’t going to make additional copies of one of my books or posts and have me confused as to which is the most recent copy. I tend to go the opposite way I used to. Instead of writing in Word and then uploading online, I’m writing online and dropping copies in Word. Plus, I backup copies on Amazon Drive and other places.

I slept shitty after skipping vitamin D for 2 days so maybe it really does help me sleep better. I’ll take it before bed along with my kiddy multivitamin. I’m just so damn tired of being tired! I miss my old energy and I wonder if I’m ever going to get it back. But poor sleep and age are really sucking my fatigue big time. Tom assures me that if anything else was wrong they would have found it by now but as Aly said, not necessarily. Sometimes it can take years to be properly diagnosed. Really hope I don’t have chronic fatigue or anything else! I just feel like I shouldn’t be this tired this often. I used to sleep shitty in the past at times as well yet I would eventually perk up after a few hours. It seems I wasn’t always this tired in jail where I slept absolutely shitty as hell. So I think it’s a combination of sleeping shitty in my 50s versus sleeping shitty in my 30s. I hope that’s all it is, anyway.

In better news, we ordered another winter nightgown for me, plus some sippy cups to put by the bed at night because it’s easier to grab one of those if I wake up thirsty rather than to have to sit up and unscrew the cap of a water bottle and all that.

The thing I’m most excited about is the Pilates ring we got. Since weight loss is out of the question I have to try to resort to sculpting and reshaping. If I can shrink and straighten my inner thighs a bit, maybe that will help with my rashes. Right now my fucking thighs are what my waist should be and they’re definitely very round too.

I first searched for a Thigh Master like the one we sold on eBay before we left Arizona. I mostly want to work my inner thighs with this thing because it’s easier than doing it on the Bowflex. It’s also good for working the arms and shoulders while watching TV or something like that.

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 21, 2018
I was finishing waking up with my coffee just before noon when I heard Bob dragging the trash bin since it was trash collection day to the back of his garage. So I jumped up and caught him coming around to the front of the house when I opened the front door and called out to him.

First, he thanked me for coming over and showing concern. I was glad he was grateful because I was worried Nancy would think I was kind of nosy. I’ll admit I was just as curious as I was concerned. But he was appreciative.

Turns out that the chest pains Virginia was feeling were due to inflammation and not a heart attack. I know all too well what it’s like to think you’re having a heart attack! I didn’t see who got out of Nancy’s car last night but I’m guessing Virginia is back home.

I wasn’t happy to hear they’re having 26 people over for Christmas. I’m on nights now for the most part and since I just can’t seem to stop having appointments, I don’t want any noise jeopardizing my sleep and schedule. The sound machine and the earbuds do a good job of blocking sound but if there’s enough car door slamming the vibration may jolt me awake. Bob didn’t seem too thrilled about the idea of having so much company either. He said something about it being unexpected.

That fucking car stayed here for 11 hours yesterday and today it was here from 1 to 8. It probably came and went before I got up, too. It’s like it lives here but doesn’t sleep here.

Today I’ve been feeling tired as I do half the time these days and wonder if it’s due to the Tacrolimus which I also used today. It will be interesting to see if I wake up with a bad headache and have other symptoms tomorrow. If I do then I’ll definitely have to call Amy. If I can continue to use it, though, I worry and wonder just what I’m going to do when I stop it since Tacrolimus can’t be used forever. In just the week or so that I stopped using it, I was noticeably itchier.

Last night’s dream was anything but fun. I was killing myself. I guess I was ODing on pills, one of them being lorazepam. I downed a bunch of pills and then realized there were still a few left in the bottle and wondered if I should take more. Soon I started feeling the effects of the overdose and told myself I better hurry up and take all I can before I go unconscious so that I never wake up.

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 20, 2018
Heard the loud car come in yesterday morning for about an hour and then it returned at around 2 p.m. and left 5 hours later. That is one devoted son. Seriously, I really wish we could drop down to the typical once-a-week parent visit. This cock, whoever he is, obviously doesn’t have a life. He doesn’t seem to work and he doesn’t seem to be in any kind of relationship. How he lives wherever he’s living is beyond me. I always worry he’s going to move back but at times he comes around often enough that it seems like he lives here. He was in for an hour this morning so I’m sure he’ll be back anytime now for his second daily visit because he just loves his mommy and daddy that much. I doubt they’re having any serious health issues of any kind. Last I saw of them they seemed to be pretty healthy and able-bodied. I wonder when they’ll put the house up for the third time before they pull it off the market?

Can’t stop thinking of Dr. O. I suppose there’s always a chance I’m imagining things but given how intuitive I’ve proven to be for over half a century I’d say I’m right on about the connection I felt between us the last time. Not saying she’s hot for me all of a sudden or anything like that but I felt some kind of connection between us for the first time. She’s always come off as a bit stern and I definitely wouldn’t want to live with the woman because I think she would be bossy and bitchy enough of the time, but I would be her friend. Even though she’s considered average-looking by most people’s standards, I think she looks pretty good for her early 60s and while I have no crush of my own going, I felt almost drawn to her the day I saw her. There was something very soothing and comforting about the way she dealt with me that also boosted my confidence and determination to deal with my anxiety, whatever the hell is causing it. As I reminded her, though, like it or not, the medication has been a problem in the past even if it was in a much more severe way. Remember… booming, racing heart, the runs a few times a day, rapid weight loss without trying…

The type of anxiety I’ve been dealing with the last two years, however (and I told her it’s changed in the way it affects me and fluctuates at times), is an adrenaline kick in the chest. I can feel it rush through me as if invisible hands are reaching in and squeezing my adrenal glands. The kind you’d feel for a few seconds if you were suddenly face to face with a big old spider or something you find scary. Only it goes on and on for hours. I still worry about the inevitable return of the anxiety and I don’t like the fact that I’m still having memory issues that seem a bit extreme for my age.

Anyway, I might reach out to Dr. O on Facebook in the future. When I accidentally slipped and mentioned Stacey’s name, even though I know she could look it up, I said, “Oops, I wasn’t supposed to mention her name.” She didn’t say anything but her expression told me she did indeed get and read my message regarding that and her son. I still wonder to this day how her son knew who I was. I think it’s safe to say he didn’t know that I knew who he was until I brought up his mother being a doctor and all that. Since I doubt Dr. O would have used my full name even if she did discuss me with her son, I think he either hacked her Facebook messages or somehow got a hold of her patient list. I think he saw his mother’s messages somehow. Maybe he didn’t actually have to hack her. Maybe her messages were sitting open on her laptop which he stepped away from momentarily and he saw my name. I’ll never know but no harm done. :-) Funny how he ignored me when I looked him up and surprised him on Twitter to question him there. I definitely surprised and spooked him in the end but will definitely keep him blocked since I don’t know if he’s all there or what his game was.

I actually slept fairly well last night and I’m feeling the best I’ve felt since I got sick. I’m still a little off-balance but even though I said I’d give up on bothering to walk around the park since I can’t do it full-time, I went to the lake anyway. The weather was perfect for it in that I got sunlight since sunlight goes through clouds, but it was cloudy enough that the sun wasn’t blinding me. The temperature was ideal for the way I was dressed and it was surprisingly quiet. I expected sections of loud landscaping but there weren’t any nor was there as much traffic as I expected. Just a bit lightheaded now and maybe slightly tired.

And the cock is back. sighs with frustration With today’s technology I shouldn’t have to fucking know about it when you come and go unless I actually see you.

I had a weird dream about Mark Zuckerberg last night. For some reason, he lost all his money and temporarily became very poor. So we donated some food for him and his family like we’d even care in real life. But we did. We gave him bags of frozen french fries, tater tots and other things.

Then all of a sudden he was rich again and he returned the uneaten portions of the food we donated to him on his motorcycle and included a large candy bar in the shape of the state of California as a token of his appreciation.

Then I was at his house, which was more like a building than a house, it was so huge. Instead of having two kids, he had eight. And instead of a younger Asian wife, she was an older white lady who didn’t seem very nice. She was pretty standoffish. There were maybe a hundred guests and occasional interns milling about who wore white coats similar to what a doctor wears.

Later…

I was lying in the dark when I heard a loud vehicle. It didn’t register in my mind as anything new since so many vehicles are loud. But then I saw the bright flashing lights. Curious, I got up and looked out the living room window, assuming they were going to the house across from next door or further down the way. Nope. They stopped next door. I briefly talked to their daughter Nancy who said Virginia had been having chest pains for an hour. Not wanting to get in the way, I came back and looked out the window by the door and watched. I assumed at first that they wouldn’t be taking her because they were inside the house for quite a while. Then a paramedic came out and raised the back of the stretcher after tossing a couple of duffel bags or something like that into one of the trucks. But then they walked Virginia out and onto the stretcher and off she went. Nancy drove Bob in her car behind the ambulance.

Really hope it was nothing serious but hey, the woman is 85 after all and this could very well be the beginning of the end for her since she’s not as active as Bob even if Bob is a few years older. Plus, she’s heavy. It isn’t just for her and her family’s sake that I hope nothing’s wrong but for my own selfish reasons as well. I don’t want to lose what’s turned out to be great neighbors. If one of them dies, the other may very well downsize to an apartment or something like that. I know how unlucky I usually am with neighbors. I don’t want someone moving in that’s going to be outside all the time making a racket, maybe have a mutt barking every time they walk it, and of course, the chances of them having a motorcycle or other loud vehicle are very good as well.

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 19, 2018
Getting really fucking sick of that loud car that’s been coming around again…twice a day. Who the hell needs to visit their parents that often? Come on, once a week, cock!

I’m more worried they’re going to move back in.

But not as worried as I am about this constant fatigue that just goes on and on and on with seemingly no end. I wonder if I’m ever going to feel energized again in my life. If I can ever get a decent night’s sleep, that may help. I woke up just an hour or two after crashing and lay there for the better part of an hour. Finally got up and took baby Benadryl to knock me back out. My nose was a little sniffly and I was sneezing a bit anyway. I actually feel good emotionally now. I’m just always drained. Still a little off-balance as well.

It became obvious to me a long time ago for reasons I’ll probably never know that something up there definitely doesn’t want me taking advantage of this gated park for exercise on a regular basis so I no longer bother to plan or assume I’ll be doing that. That’s ok, though. It’s too noisy in the daytime and too cold at night. Besides, if I just do 20 minutes 6 days a week on the treadmill and 30 minutes 1 day, that totals the 2.5 hours the health specialists recommend we do in a week. Plus, I work my core and arms here and there.

I was going to order groceries from Safeway but they no longer have the Sizzling Wok or the mackerel that I really like so back to Walmart I went. Personally, I like their site layout the best anyway. I can organize favorites better with them. Just wish they, and other stores, would take better responsibility for keeping their items stocked.

Despite starting the first part of my day off very tired, I managed to meet today’s cleaning and exercise goals and will be taking it easy for the rest of the day. Tom should be leaving work soon and I started the final season (9) of the Forensic Files collection.

Amazingly, the Twenties haven’t taken on any projects this week. Just the usual traffic and landscaping sounds I hear out there when I step out of sound-machined areas.

I made my MO journal FO on Prosebox because I’m just not sure I really want to keep sharing with others there. Less editing if I just share with my trusted bestie and leave it at that. I appreciate her reading some of my stories as well. :-)

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 18, 2018
Slept shitty and woke up fatigued and still a bit dizzy. I stopped the Tacrolimus recently as I may have mentioned before but then I had to use it yesterday because I started getting more irritation and I woke up with a headache. Again I wonder if there’s a connection between that and the fatigue and dizziness, though I doubt it. Still gonna hold off on it and see if I can ever get over this cold first. It’s like yesterday’s activities really took a bite out of me and set me back.

So I saw Dr. A and told her how things have been these last 6 months and that I sometimes feel so anxious that I wish I was dead. Literally. She said that was worrisome and therefore she thinks I should see the shrink and therapist because she doesn’t believe it’s just about hormonal changes from me going into menopause. I figured as much. I always thought it seemed rather extreme for perimenopause/menopause and that if the medication wasn’t a factor, something else may be going on.

Dr. A looked me over really well and recommended Ocean Mist to help with any congestion in my nose or the tubes in my inner ears. They didn’t have that brand but when we went to get cold medicine for Tom, we got the same thing which is basically saline but in a different brand. When she looked in my good ear she said it looked fine.

While at Rite Aid, I also got this back massager that extends 23” and has these rubber rollers with “fingers” on it. I could have used that a couple of days ago when I had a backache.

Plus I got eight mini hair scrunchies each in a different color. I just think they should have made the pink lighter. It almost matches the red one as it’s such a dark shade of pink. It will match many of my outfits well, though.

Since I was getting anxious when I wasn’t on vitamin D and the Amberen says it contains vitamin E, I decided to go back on vitamin D to see if it will help with my sleep.

She did say you could get a cold that only included fatigue and dizziness when I asked since different viruses produce different symptoms. Definitely feel both of those right now and could only do 10 minutes on the treadmill. Tom thinks that if I add a few minutes a day, I’ll be better by the end of the week and I really hope he’s right!

They took my blood pressure twice and got a reading of 160/92 both times. My HR was in the 90s which is typical for me. Upon looking at my blood pressure history readings, Dr. A pointed out that it’s been erratic. It’s up down, up down every time I see her. Knowing and understanding my fear of medication, rather than give me something to take when it spikes, which she believes could cause my dizziness, we’re going to have me monitor my blood pressure a few times a day for two weeks using my wrist cuff device. Then I’m going to see the nurse on the 31st and she’s going to check the device and all that. This thing isn’t new but I don’t think it’s that old either. Neither of us could remember exactly when we got it but it was definitely sometime while we were in this house. The question is whether or not I’m holding my arm in the right position. With some of them, you have to cross your arm over your chest, and for others, you want to hold your palm upward.

She says that high blood pressure can’t cause anxiety but anxiety can cause high blood pressure. Yes, I have heard that stress and anxiety can raise blood pressure. Not sure what they’re going to do based on what my BP readings are for the rest of the year but I won’t see A Dr. till March. That’s still sooner than June but oh well.

So after going over my frustrations with her as far as anxiety medication I’ve had so far that either stopped working or had bad side effects, she said that even if I don’t get medication from the shrink, I should still schedule an appointment with her even though it will take months to get in to see her anyway. Maybe my knowing the appointment is out there in the future will help jinx the anxiety into staying away longer. As I told her, though, I know it’s coming back sooner or later and that’s hard on me as well. I either suffer or I worry that I’m going to suffer. The worst possible scenario is that I did develop an anxiety disorder independent of anything else after all, even if other sources can still fuel it and I’m now starting to suspect that sadly, that’s exactly what I did. Totally my shit luck too, to get something so horrible. I mean if there is a God up there, it totally would have me suffer this way, especially now that there are no money issues or other things to worry about these days. We may not have as much extra money as we’d like but we’re not struggling is what I mean. It’s so much worse than depression, too. Depression is absolutely horrible but it’s very straightforward; you’re simply depressed. Anxiety has a million different symptoms and many of them are batshit terrifying. Never before have I felt emotions that didn’t go with my life. Any depression or stress I felt in the past was due to something bad going on in my life. I don’t know, maybe there’s still hope of it going away someday. Maybe just like it one day appeared for no reason other than when the medication really was to blame for at least some of it, it will go away for no reason as well. At this point, it’s looking doubtful, though. Each year I have it, I lose hope and it seems less likely that it will go away. But I’m trying not to think of it in the form of forever otherwise those dark thoughts will be stirred up. I’ve got another quarter-century or so to live so to think that I could have this tormenting me on and off that long is no place I want my mind going if I don’t want to be suicidal.

As much as I like Stacey, she’s such a long drive out in Rocklin and the appointments do add up in both time and money, so we’re going to look into video therapy for me. Our provider has online therapists.

When we got to Dr. O’s medical building I recognized the same girl behind the desk from last time and said, “I remember you. Your favorite color is green.”

She was amazed by my memory. Yeah, wouldn’t it be nice if it was like that most of the time?

Anyway, it kind of sucks that I’ll miss Dr. O now that I’ve come to like her. I’ve always thought she was an amazing doctor and very knowledgeable but now I actually like her at least somewhat, LOL. But at this point, I should definitely never have to see her again.

I was checked in by yet another nurse I’d never seen before who was much more friendly and chatty than the last one. HR was still in the 90s but this time my upper BP number was in the 130s.

After waiting for a half-hour the doctor finally came in but then her cell phone rang and she stepped back out for another minute or two. Then she came in and apologized, saying she was coaching someone on something. I told her it was no problem. I mean after waiting for a half-hour, two additional minutes was nothing. I knew she would be late anyway because she always is. I even surprised Tom with a quick Skype message from the exam room only because I knew I would be in for quite a wait. I mostly did puzzles, though.

Dr. O’s demeanor was very different than the last time. She was much friendlier and supportive and seemed more understanding and empathetic than I ever remember her to be. Through my tears, there were also some jokes and laughter. Or more like smiles and chuckles.

Like with Dr. A, she doesn’t think the medication is the issue. I know damn well it was the first time I went on 75s and when she tried me on 88s. That was a no-brainer. But those symptoms were much more extreme and numerous than what I’ve been dealing with on and off for the last two years with waves of adrenaline stabbing in and out of the center of my chest. I suffered throughout most of this year. I only did well the first week of January, then from about June to the third week of August, and now since November 23rd or something like that.

I gave each doctor a printed copy of the overview of my symptoms over the last month.

Also like Dr. A, she thinks that it’s definitely time to get the psychiatrist involved and explained to me about the body’s natural norepinephrine, epinephrine, serotonin, etc, and how the shrink can find the proper balance biology-wise to get the right chemistry for me. She knows it’s been hard for me because of medication backfiring on me in the past. I also told her I still worry about my T4 hitting 1.4 because history has shown I definitely do have trouble if it gets that high. I’m hoping it will stay where it’s at and that my TSH will continue to fall but more than likely I should at least go up to 1.3. I’m hoping that on this dose I can no longer get to 1.4. She thinks I need 88s, but understandably, she would never suggest it with me in such an anxious state as I have been on and off for so long now. 88 would definitely normalize my numbers but there’s no way I’m going that high.

She says the biggest thing is accepting the problem and telling myself I don’t need to or deserve to suffer from anxiety and that I can and should get help. It’s definitely true that I’ve been not so much sweeping it under the rug as much as hoping it would go away on its own but it’s obviously not going to do that anytime soon if it ever does. As for why? I don’t know what to think anymore. Could be a combination of things or maybe I really did acquire a medical disorder as Dr. A thinks is possible as I said. If that’s the case and my brain chemistry suddenly “broke,” medication is probably the only thing that can fix it or at least keep me from feeling the symptoms. I just hope we can find something without side effects or at least side effects that go away and that are tolerable until they do! It would be even better if I could take something on an as-needed basis rather than a preventative one but I can’t imagine what that may be. But there are a whole shitload of medications out there for the different emotional disorders.

She reminded me that I should never look at a list of side effects when taking new medications because with my phobia it plants a seed in my mind and I’ll think I’m feeling them. So true, too!

She wants me to go to the lab on or after January 7th because then it will be six weeks back on the 75s. I told her how our insurance no longer covers labs and that we’re planning to switch to a plan where we pay for everything until we meet a certain deductible. Then she gave me the name of a lab that’s cheaper. They give their results to Quest but Quest may not contact them so I’ll have to contact her over the portal with the results.

As she wrote these things down on a piece of paper for me I said, “Well, at least you’re optimistic,” and pointed out that that’s what the upward slant of the lines of her writing is supposed to mean. She got a kick out of that one, haha.

I think I pretty much covered the main highlights of our discussion but if I remember anything else I can add it in future entries. I did say on the way out that hopefully I’d never have to see her again and she jokingly said, “I won’t take that personally.”

LOL.

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 16, 2018
Feeling a little better today than yesterday but I’m still dizzy. At least the doctor can tell me tomorrow if I have an inner ear infection or not. Not looking forward to the appointments, though, especially Dr. O.

Tom is getting over his own cold and has a stuffy nose and some sneezing. I still never got any kind of sneezing or coughing. Just fatigue and dizziness.

We went to Sam’s Club yesterday and to Safeway today. Got some hot food as well as a vanilla bean bath bomb because my skin is really dry. Not sure I smelled the vanilla in it but it helps my skin.

I switched back to my quilt and blanket combo because that’s just what I’m used to. I’ll be relieved after tomorrow’s appointments are out of the way and to be sleeping mostly at night so I don’t have to bother with the earbuds. Really hope these appointments don’t spawn anymore. I hope I don’t have to see Dr. O again and that Dr. A can wait until June.

Exchanged a few quick messages with Lori on Facebook and of course Kim and Aly. Maybe Kim does have some empathy within her after all because she was riding with some people to a dance that those in the Special Olympics partake in and they hit and killed a deer and she was “heartbroken,” she said. No one was hurt but the van sustained some damage and Carol and Sarah came and got her.

Aly’s doing shitty because she’s worried about her father and she has iron issues which cause her to be dizzy as well.

Last night I dreamed I was having a video chat with my very alive parents for the first time. I set up my laptop facing what appeared to be a small apartment. I was in the kitchen and the living room extended off of it and there was a slider at the end. I asked them if they could see all the way down to the slider.

I wore my hot pink tank dress and my hair was almost to my waist and parted in the middle. I slowly turned around and said, “Here’s a 360-degree view of me.”

Then when we were done, Dad had trouble getting up from whatever he’d been sitting in and I said something like, “They make gaming chairs so maybe they’ll eventually make web chatting chairs.”

In reality, my hair really is getting close to my waist. Such a pain in the ass too, but I’m not ready to cut it.

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 14, 2018
“They’ll never notice.”

Wrong again! Eileen noticed as well. She sent me a message wishing me a happy belated birthday and saying she was sorry she hasn’t been more communicative with me as over the last two years when a lot has happened to her to cause her to turn inward and focus on herself. I can relate to turning inward and have become less active on social media, preferring to mostly write anonymously or for those I’m closest to. That way I feel I can be more open and I’m not likely to get any advice I might be dumb enough to take.

Also, Eileen’s mother died last year. She lived with her for 24 years and Eileen was her primary caretaker. Damn! That’s a long time. Add that to her years as a kid and that’s like two-thirds of her life with her mother, a mother she actually got along with.

So I apologized profusely for deleting her and getting the wrong idea. I really thought she was just sick of me but didn’t have the heart to say so. She said she thinks of me every time she burns my wonderful incense, LOL.

I’m just now starting to feel better and I really hope it stays that way too, and that I don’t relapse! Tom still thinks it’s a cold and this one just didn’t happen to have congestion, coughing or sneezing. I could sort of feel some allergies draining in the back of my throat, though.

I did more research on both the ACV shots and Tacrolimus ointment and they both say they can cause my symptoms. The ACV shots can deplete you of iodine, and I wasn’t measuring the one to two tablespoons you’re supposed to have either, I’ll admit. I would just open a 33-oz. bottle of flavored sparkling water at the beginning of my day and pour some in. So I could have been overdoing it. Since I don’t have labs anytime soon, I’ve stopped the shots for now.

Tom doesn’t think it’s the Tacrolimus making me sick because of how long I’ve been on it and because those symptoms are usually within the first few days. I started off really out of it and dizzy today but I am getting better so I’m not sure whether or not I’m going to take a break from the Tacrolimus or not. I use such a teeny tiny amount anyway that it does seem kind of odd that it would do that all of a sudden whereas the burning from the steroids after a while made more sense. I just miss the days when I knew what I had or at least didn’t care. Trauma changes everything.

So glad it’s almost the weekend! Looking forward to getting out of here even if it’s just to go to stores. It will sort of be like a three-day weekend for us since I have two appointments on Monday.

For the end of my day yesterday the neck knockers came knocking but just when I thought they were going to wake me up, they backed off. Still not exactly sure what causes this but I do intend to bring it up to the doctor.

Ended up falling asleep around 3 p.m. and woke up at 6 to pee. Then I woke up for a second at 9 and 10 and got up at midnight. This is pretty normal for me. Most people my age don’t sleep straight through, anyway. As long as I’m in a deep enough sleep and I can fall back asleep right away when I do wake up, I’m usually okay.

I’m using my second Twitter account to keep track of my health. I made it public since it’s nothing that has to be kept secret, but I’m not going to follow anyone who follows me.

On the way to work this morning, Tom found the car leaking water like crazy so he added more water and was able to get to work okay. Really hope it holds up while we’re still in the state because we don’t really plan on getting a new car until we move. This time around we’re probably going to ship our belongings in containers through a shipment company to a storage place until we get settled wherever we’re going to end up. Initially, we’ll probably have to start off in hotels and then renting apartments or condos. Sure wish I had these sleeping earbuds when we were last in hotels when we came to this damn state 12 years ago!

I put my winter rose blanket on now that I’m not so hot flashy. If I don’t like it, I’ll switch back to the blanket and quilt combo.

Managed to get more done than expected this morning. I changed sheets, did laundry, did a few exercises and cooked some chicken wings.

The bulk trash people didn’t come till a little while ago but someone took the bike yesterday. We were kind of surprised since it’s just a cheap old Walmart bike he got in 2005 and the tires were rotted. It was sad for Tom in a way because he loved that bike and loved riding to and from work back up in Oregon. Shasta Way got him in really good shape. I don’t miss the Arctic climate but I miss some aspects of our lives up there as well. Not in the duplex but in the house, of course. Life wasn’t perfect. There was some barking and a shitload of loud car stereos but I still didn’t need glasses, I was healthy, and except for TMJ I didn’t know was TMJ, we did have some fun moments in Klamath Falls. Even watching Tinkerbell’s old cage go was a bit sad, even if we wanted to get rid of the old rusty thing.

Speaking of places we’ve lived in the past, we were back in Jesse’s trailer in my dreams last night even if things were different. The trailer pretty much looked the same but I was 37 years old and getting rid of an old nightgown I’d had since my twenties.

I walked out of the bedroom and through the living room where Tom was softly snoring on the futon. I went into the kitchen and instead of looking through the end window at just grassy hills with scattered trees, a group of young people in their early twenties were heading for a night out. We said hello to each other through the open window.

I seemed to be happy to be back there even though I knew it was just temporary and was surprised that Jesse even took us back after the less-than-kind letter I sent him shortly after we moved out over 5 years ago. I reminded myself that things had changed, even there, as I gazed up at a large sign on the summit that wouldn’t really be there in reality, of course, because it was all private property. Yet I found myself wishing we could stay somehow.

Then off in the distance, I heard a woman shout for help. Tom woke up from his nap a few minutes later and I told him about the screaming. He reminded me that things were different now.

“So you really think it was a woman screaming for help?” I asked him, and he nodded.

It was still quieter overall and I’d only heard two planes throughout the night. But I knew we couldn’t stay and eventually, we had to move on.

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 13, 2018
The vent dog came yesterday and is very beautiful and realistic looking. My next Bing points goal is a winter nightgown, then I’ll be after this beautiful garden fairy, only I’ll keep it indoors.

Every few months he gets a surprise electronics package and one of the items contained a really cool crystal cube. We’re not sure what it’s for but it’s totally me. So are the three colorful shiny prism stickers.

They gave them all hot chocolate at work yesterday plus a few goodies to take home. One is a large mug that could almost serve as a bowl, hot chocolate, candy canes, and chocolate kisses along with a silver glitter ornament.

Walmart fucked up in our favor because they threw in a bag of chocolate-covered raisins. Tom wouldn’t touch them of course, but I’m enjoying them on and off.

I’m going easy on the food, though, because to my surprise, my weight is down a bit and I’d like to keep it that way. It’s mostly because I’ve been feeling like shit. It’s like I’m too tired to live. Forget about being too tired to feed myself. Yesterday was the first day I started feeling a little better and I didn’t have to take a nap so I thought today I would be even better. Wrong! I’m horribly fatigued and I slept horribly on and off for nearly 11 hours. Then I took a nap for about an hour after being up for a few hours and I still feel totally out of it and kind of light-headed too. It’s sort of a cross between light-headed and dizzy. I know I definitely came down with something, I just don’t know for sure what it is.

This was the second day in a row that I woke up with a bad headache too. We’re thinking I must have congestion in my head even though my nose isn’t stuffy and I’m not sneezing or coughing. It’s mostly been major fatigue, chills, and some dizziness, though the chills have backed off. I don’t know if the shot had anything to do with it but I would have to say no since it’s been nearly two weeks.

During one of the many times I woke up, I remembered a dream I had in detail but now I don’t remember anything. I know I also had a dream about Kathleen and it seemed like it was negative. I just don’t remember in what way.

Anyway, words can’t express just how frustrating it is to be bogged down with fatigue like this so often. It’s like something wants me to spend half my life bedridden or at least not have enough energy to live up to my full potential. When I bitched about being bored the other day and wanting a break from my regular routine, this wasn’t what I had in mind.

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 12, 2018
I’m just now starting to feel better but only a tiny bit. I’m still weak and tired and pretty out of it. But I’m just enough better to tell that I’m better if that makes any sense.

Because I was sick I didn’t work my core much so I started getting lower backaches. That’s something I can do almost every day, even on days I don’t feel that good. It’s doing cardio regularly that I don’t always have the energy for. So as soon as I’m better I’ll do my one cardio workout for the week and maybe a second one a day or two later and leave it at that rather than keep trying to do what my body can no longer do, as I said before.

I’ve been on this trend of sleeping shitty as hell. I went to insert the earbud in my good ear and it hurt like I had an earache all of a sudden. A sharp cramp that’s probably connected to my cold. So I took those out and put the headband with the speakers in it but it was pretty worthless. Unless I’m laying directly on my good ear, they don’t do me any good. I heard every fucking loud vehicle that passed by. Oh, how I miss the days when I didn’t notice traffic! We’ve got the technology yet we keep making our vehicles louder and louder. And it’s all for show. Just desperate people who have to get the attention of everyone and anyone they can no matter who it affects. On top of that, it’s barely after 6 a.m. and it’s already a bad plane morning. The planes weren’t as bad yesterday morning as I thought they would be, though.

Unable to sleep with the headband, I took the speaker that sits on the floor and put it between the two pillows which are basically by my head. I hated to sleep to such loud white noise hissing in my ear but it was either that or keep being woken by loud vehicles. It’s really sad that this is what the world’s come to and I gotta fight for the right to sleep. It’s bad enough that I wake up just because or pee as often as I do. I didn’t realize the Amberen had been helping that much with my sleep but just as soon as the anxiety comes back, and I know it will, I’ll go back on that. I also woke up cold a few times as well as warm. There’s always something. Always. I swear something up there doesn’t want me sleeping well. At least not for long.

We’re going to be getting up to 60° today. It’s going to be a very noisy day too, because on top of the regular landscaping and traffic, the bulk pickup trash collectors are coming. We’ve got a small old silver metal cage that we got up in Oregon and that has calcium buildup on it as well as rust out by the road to be picked up as well as the red bike he also got while we were up there. The one he took to work at MCX rather than re-registering the truck in such a tiny town.

Damn, I miss some aspects of our lives up there! I hated the climate and the lack of stores and a few other things but there were a lot of fun moments up there as well. I know I’ve said that these last few years my life has been the best it’s been but technically it hasn’t. Financially it’s been the best but that’s about it. I’m only 53 and already I wonder why they call the Golden Years the Golden Years. What could possibly be “golden” about them other than that you don’t have to work?

I really do miss some aspects of my old life and the old me. Hell, I miss staring at pictures. The kind with attractive ladies so hot I could stare for hours conjuring up all kinds of scenarios both intimate and not in my mind. But those days are long gone.

I’m not sure what to do about Tammy and the girls. I never heard from Etta but I don’t know if that’s because she hasn’t checked her messages, hasn’t used her account or is simply ignoring me. She may be suspicious and paranoid and think I have some hidden motive and that I’m actually against her. But should I block Tammy and the girls and make it harder for them to contact me in the future should they ever decide to do so? I’m just not sure what to do. I thought of sharing those journals with them but something tells me that’s not a wise idea at this time. They love to call the pigs every time they get pissed at someone, so since they know where I live, it may be best to wait. When we move and my sister is still very much alive, then maybe.

Saw a video of Molly. OMG, if I thought she stalked me for so long, poor Roman! This is a guy I guess she once dated. Well, he blocked her Twitter account so she created another one to continue stalking him from and created a video begging to be friendly again and her usual shit. I don’t see why Aly thinks she’s changed for the better. The only thing better is that she hasn’t stalked me but she knows that I won’t put up with it like I was dumb enough to in the past. Or she’ll at least find that out real fast if she ever does fixate on me again.

She’s pretty ugly and those cat eye frames that she wears are all wrong for her eyes which slant in the opposite direction. She doesn’t sound like I expected her to sound, though. There’s no southern drawl and her voice itself doesn’t sound as expected. I don’t know what I did expect but it wasn’t what I heard.

We’ve got groceries being delivered today and the vent dog should arrive as well but not before I crash.

It’s so weird looking at the rats’ cage and no one’s there. Just a giant, empty, lonely cage. But I still hesitate to get new rats for a few reasons. We’ve had horrible rat luck in this state with only a couple of exceptions. I don’t know why it is but we just keep getting timid ones that aren’t nearly as friendly as they could be. Rats also need time and attention and I don’t know that I have the energy anymore to devote myself to them. If they’re on the shy side then it doesn’t take much energy because they’re not going to want to play with you. But they’re still going to want to spend time outside of the cage and while they don’t have to be watched every single second, I still have to focus on them somewhat. They’re not like hamsters and gerbils but more like cats and dogs. So they don’t like to be ignored.

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 11, 2018
Well, Shannon, your “God” was wrong. I’m not okay. I’m alive but I’m not “okay.”

I not only lost Dumbo tonight, the last of the ratties, but I still feel totally out of it and like I haven’t slept in days. Hip and upper right stomach pain are better and I don’t get the chills I was getting before, but I still feel like a battery that’s virtually out of juice. Just totally drained to hell.

I’ve come to believe that if there is any kind of God above it must be a real coward and a real hater because it takes an awful lot of cowardice and hatred to sit back and allow some people to suffer as it does. Whether or not it actually makes the bad things that happen to us happen or it just sits back and allows them to is a very cowardly and mean-spirited thing to do. I still think there probably isn’t a God but if there is, I certainly can’t imagine ever worshipping, praising or respecting it in any way. Not after all I’ve gone through and have seen others go through as well.

Backing up to when we were heading from the car to the lab. I heard the loud caw of a crow and wondered if something bad would happen since many people seem to believe the sound or sight of a crow is a bad omen. Well, I can’t say cemeteries are bad since our lives were pretty good when we last lived near one in Oregon, but so far crows definitely don’t seem to bring good luck. Right after I heard the damn thing, they had issues getting blood from me and that’s about when I really started feeling ill too. I still feel like shit. I’m totally depleted of energy and it’s taking all I’ve got just to do this entry which I’ve been working on little by little.

I’m sure the plane frenzy will start up any minute now. Three nights ago they stopped around midnight after coming every 30 to 60 minutes and then it was one after another after 5 a.m. The last two nights and mornings I didn’t hear anything and it was wonderful but last night they were back at it until around midnight, and any second now, I’m sure it’ll be one after another.

Anyway, I’m so tired of being forced to work out part-time that that’s just what I’m going to do. Given how many years I haven’t been able to work out the 5 days a week I’d like to most weeks, I realize that I’m never getting better. I may get some of my energy back but for the most part, I’m just not going to have the energy I had 20 years ago. Like it or not, I am starting to get older and therefore I can’t expect to do the things I used to do. Or at least not as often. I just don’t have that kind of energy anymore. It’s like something wants me to work out part-time so if that’s what’s meant to be, then part-time it is. Instead of striving for 5 days a week, I’m just going to plan on working out once or twice a week and leave it at that. No more trying to do what I’m never going to be able to do again. At my age, it’s pretty much all downhill from here. It’s just a question of how steep that hill is going to be. But I’m never going to get better as I said. It’s hard to accept this but I have no choice but to do so. I’m never going to have my old energy. I’m never going to have perfect vision again. Never going to have the memory I once had. Definitely felt my best in my thirties and most of my forties but those days are never coming back. So onward and forward. It’s all I can do. Just got to make the best of my limitations and I definitely have a limited supply of energy these days. I’d say that at least half the time I don’t have good energy. Today I feel like I only slept two hours. In reality, I slept for about 8 hours, then I got up and showered and ate. Then I ended up napping for an hour or two. I need to stay up until 10 a.m., preferably noon, due to my appts. Most of my time will be spent lying around listening to my audiobook. There isn’t anything else I need to do at the moment anyway, energy or not.

Even though it’s a little harder to keep track of what I’ve returned, I signed up for a free month of Kindle Unlimited. I really like Jon Athan and so I’m diving into his books. There have only been a couple I couldn’t get into. I thought it was $15 a month but it’s $10 a month. I definitely like this better than my perfume subscription, which was the same price, even though I’ve liked all the samples I’ve been sent.

OMG, I’m so backed up that I didn’t even write about my lab results yet. They’re both good and shitty. It’s shitty that my TSH is still high, though it is coming down. It’s down to 22. T3 is still low but my T4 is up to 1.2.

The best news is that my cholesterol has improved significantly! It’s still bad enough that they would want me on statins but not crazy bad. So the ACV shots do help. If only I could lose 30 pounds or so. That might actually normalize it. Out of the question, though.

I got reminders for both appointments. The automated reminders will come next in a day or two. The woman from Dr. O’s office also wanted to remind me that lab work needed to be done for that appointment. I sure hope she knows I just went on the 6th because I’m not going again!

Again I wonder if the neck knockers are sodium-induced because I overdid the sodium on Saturday and the fucking neck knockers woke me up twice. Definitely gotta bring that up to Dr. A.

Tom helped me dye my hair Sunday night and at about 3 in the morning, we went to Walgreens to pick up some treats.

We were going to go to Safeway a few hours later for the orange juice I started craving as I sometimes do when I’m sick. By then I was too sick to go out again so he was kind enough to run up and get it for me.

Okay, I think I’m caught up enough to call this an entry. I only remember one dream from the other night. I forgot to take notes on last night’s dream when I got up so I can’t remember what it was about. But two nights ago I had a dream that I took a bus somewhere out of town and was returning to the bus station. We passed rows of parked buses as we entered the terminal. A woman sitting next to me befriended me who that hideously ugly but very nice. I had no ride home and she offered to take me which I really appreciated.

We got off the bus and I followed her into a small pastry shop. We looked in the case at all these colorful and fancy goodies… Cakes, cookies, cupcakes… And I said something about how I love rainbows and bright colors.

Then she surprised me by going behind the counter and putting an apron on.

“You work here?” I asked.

“Yep,” she said and then began waiting on customers with another employee while I watched from the sidelines.

Soon I realized I was getting very tired and I asked when we were leaving. She said in a few hours, leaving me to wonder what I would do to kill time as exhausted as I was getting.

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 8, 2018
“They’ll never notice.”

Well, I sure got that wrong! Kim noticed. She wished me a happy birthday and asked what I did that day and how things were going. I quickly felt like an idiot for unfriending her and apologized right away, saying that I thought she was sick of me and that this was why I hadn’t heard from her. If I had the memory I used to have I would have remembered that she was in a very bad car accident and things aren’t the same for her any more than they are for me. She once loved being an RN but now she’s forced to settle for menial jobs like at Yankee Candle Company and she’s working at an animal shelter. She does love animals so I don’t know that that’s much of a settlement. But life definitely isn’t usually what we plan it to be.

I’m sure Aly didn’t plan to be moving back in with her parents, however temporary it may be. She can’t afford to renew the lease on her studio so she moved back in with them not just to save money but so she can help her dad recover from back surgery. She’ll stay with her boyfriend on weekends. She hesitates to move in with him so soon after moving in too soon with her former BF and GF was a bust. As I told her, though, if it’s meant to be, it will work out regardless of when they live together, not that they won’t have some disagreements as all couples do. At least she has someone who can perform and has a normal appetite for his age. Well, that’s the impression I get. Ah, but is he as smart and as accepting as my guy? Is anyone?

So I reconnected with Kim and told her that I have all kinds of things going on as well and that I miss the days when asthma and allergies were my worst problems. Now it’s one thing after another on top of the usual and yet again I wonder if life is worth living. I’m getting awfully bored with life anyway and I don’t see much hope for many new and exciting changes ahead, so why live to suffer?

I’m getting behind so I’ll back up to yesterday. I didn’t feel well enough to blog yesterday. I got up, went to the lab, and then Tom reminded me to hold the paper we printed out in front of their tablet to speed up the process of checking in for my appointment. I totally forgot about that and I never would have remembered if he hadn’t said anything. This brain fog seems a bit extreme lately even for being hypo and sometimes it’s not just frustrating but worrisome. I really hope nothing else is wrong as I’ve had enough shit!

A guy who was temporary and therefore not allowed to use butterfly needles tried to get blood out from my inner elbow with a regular needle to no avail. Then he got a really friendly black girl named Shannon and she had no luck either with a butterfly needle. She had to get it from my hand. She was so nice and sweet, though. She could see that I was on the verge of tears between not feeling well and all that was going on and she gave me a big hug as I stood up to leave. She told me she was there five days a week and that I could request her. I’ll remember that next time I schedule an appointment which hopefully won’t be until June unless Dr. O wants me to go before then.

She asked me if I was spiritual and I said, “Not really.” Then she told me that God told her to tell me I would be okay and that she would pray for me. Even though I don’t believe any God that may exist gives a shit about me, it was a very kind thing to say and I really appreciated it. So I left with my “battle scars.” You could see red lines where the tourniquet was on my upper arm as well as my wrist since they had to tie it so tight.

They only took two tubes because this isn’t time for blood cell counts and all that like I thought it was. That’s not until June. I forgot whether it’s June or December since I can’t remember shit.

So we got back home and I indulged in cholesterol and then I noticed I felt extremely fatigued. I was freezing as hell, too. I noticed I’ve had some intense chills since getting the flu shot and my overall feeling in my head felt almost like I had a cold or something but now I’m pretty sure that the flu shot gave me the flu. Or at least flu symptoms. The symptoms I have seem more like the flu rather than a cold. I don’t have a fever but I’m extremely cold and tired.

Still getting hip pain toward the end of my day as well, but the weather has pretty much been ruled out as a cause since we’ve dried up again.

I slept on and off for somewhere between 10 and 11 hours and I’m still feeling pretty out of it. I even have a cramp-like pain in the area where my liver is located and I wonder if it’s from all the Ibuprofen. Even my pee smelled a little strange earlier.

I’m never going to get a flu shot again. If I’m going to feel this bad from it, then I might as well actually get it, though it’s unlikely that I would. I know I can catch something anytime I go out in public but I definitely regret getting this one for sure. I’m also a bit worried about how long the symptoms have lasted. I read 24 to 48 hours after getting the shot but now it’s been a week.

I’m just so fucking sick of suffering. Just so fucking sick of it. Ever since we came to this house I’ve dealt with noise unlike the noisiest of places I’ve ever lived in before, including apartments and projects, and I’ve suffered tremendously.

I looked on Google Maps at the house we rented for 2 years in Oregon where our lives were good for the most part and it was just as close, if not maybe a tiny bit closer, to a cemetery than we are here. So I don’t think that has anything to do with it but I can’t help but wonder if there’s something else connected to the house that’s been picking on me. I just can’t imagine what it could be if there is or why. I guess I’ll never know until we move, assuming I survive to see that day happen. Sometimes I really do just want to end it all and I’ve definitely been thinking about it more and more. No one wants to live just to suffer. That’s simply no way to live. It’s no “life.” But I’m afraid that if I don’t die soon I’ll live another 20-something years to do just that. I know it’s only a matter of time before I come down with some new disease or condition that’s treatable but not curable.

I don’t know if I can believe the results since wrist blood pressure cuffs aren’t as accurate, but I seem to have high blood pressure most of the time I check, I still have that strange bounding pulse here and there, and a whole host of other things that make life a bitch. It’s like something up there has said, “Well, if she can’t be anxious right now I’ll just make her feel like she has the flu.”

It’s like something really is determined to see that I suffer. But what or who is it and why? I still don’t know if I believe in any God or spirits but this definitely does seem to go beyond simple bad luck that I wonder if something is planning to send me to hell in the afterlife and this is its way of showing me that things could be worse, as I’ve already learned since even my worst of problems in the past doesn’t seem nearly this bad. So I wonder, is it just making things shitty here with plans to make my existence in an afterlife shittier than the shittiest experience a human could experience while they’re alive? Or maybe the afterlife, if there is one, is going to be so damn good that it’s determined to prolong my suffering as long as it can to delay my getting there. I just don’t know what to think anymore but ending up in some kind of eternal hell that makes these days seem heavenly is one of my worst fears.

Till then I would really love to live somewhere where I didn’t have just a few good scattered days, I was further from the street and one that wasn’t so busy as loud as so many vehicles are these days, and I also wish I could go longer than an hour without hearing a fucking plane. It’s definitely at its quietest around here between midnight and 6am.

Okay, after a long night of pain, fatigue, depression and more, I’m going to have to get to the cawing crow later.

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 6, 2018
Andy believed that when we think of someone we know, they somehow sense it and think of us in return. I don’t know why, but for some reason, Dr. A has been on my mind and I wonder if it’s because it’s getting close to my appointment. Probably so. I even dreamed of her last night. Instead of going to a building in a nice area to see her and then being brought into the exam room by the nurse, I either walked or took a bus to a small dumpy building in a seedy section of town. Once I entered the exam room, she was already present and talking to one of her staff. I sat in the chair by her desk and waited for them to finish. When the person she was talking to left the room, I noticed her nails and said, “Oh, colors”, referring to her unusually colorful nails.

Then her nails grew an inch in two seconds and I asked her if it was hard to do things with nails that long. She said it wasn’t really.

Our forearms rested on her desk, fingertips touching, and I moved my hand away because it felt a bit weird and I didn’t want her to feel weird either.

Anyway, I wonder if I’ve been popping into her mind at all since she’s been popping into mine? If that’s the case, then I should be on Dr. O’s mind as well.

I don’t hear much of the freeway tonight but as usual, I can’t even go an hour, if even that, without hearing a plane. I still don’t understand why we suddenly have all these commercials flying over us like we have these last few months. Go fly over someone else’s head!

Yesterday I spent at least half of the day absolutely freezing. I’d be bundled up and under the covers as well but still freezing my ass off. I wasn’t anxious but I felt myself getting a little bored and depressed and the hip pain I had didn’t help either.

Today I don’t have pain yet and made sure to walk a half-hour, and will probably walk more later, just in case it has anything to do with not being mobile enough. Thank God for deserts just in case it has to do with the weather. If it is arthritis and the weather has been a factor, then Florida may be out of the question. I sure hope not!

No intense cold feelings yet today. Just a little fatigue. I wonder if the intense cold could be from the flu shot but it’s been since the first since I got the shot, and I didn’t feel cold 2 days ago. I really do seem to have bipolar health. This means that since I feel okay today I’ll probably feel like shit physically and emotionally tomorrow. It wouldn’t surprise me if I was in for pain later on toward the end of my day but I sure hope not.

Still not sleeping as well as I’d like. Because I wake up in the middle of my sleep and am not able to fall back asleep right away, it causes me to end up sleeping later than usual. Tomorrow he’s probably going to have to wake me up at 3:15 because I’m not sure I’ll be up before then for my 4:00 lab appointment. I can just imagine how shitty my numbers will be, too. No point in continuing with the raw ACV shots if it doesn’t turn out to help my cholesterol much. Statins are probably the only way I can get it under control but I’m not brave enough to go that route just yet. I would still prefer to wait until he’s retired and home all the time.

When I woke up in the middle of my sleep I had a bit of hip pain so I took Ibuprofen. I’ve got to remember to stop eating after 4 a.m. as this is a fasting lab because of the lipid panel. I’ll probably take some Benadryl before bed, though, to help lessen my chance of waking up too soon. Grateful for my sleeping earbuds so I don’t have to deal with the fucking traffic.

I was surprised when I read that middle age is considered between 45 and 65. I thought it was more like 35 to 55, maybe 60, but then we are living longer these days. Knowing how unlucky the number 4 is, I dread my next birthday as well as any year with the number 4 in it! Hate that fucking number. It’s no wonder so much of my life has sucked since I was born on the 4th. On the other hand, Alyssa sure seems to have it great for having a 4 in her birthdate as well.

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 5, 2018
I finally managed to convince myself to get up and hit the treadmill which is where I am right now as I do this entry. I’m just taking it slow.

Unlike yesterday when I felt good physically and emotionally, I feel pretty out of it today. I did wake up in the middle of my sleep but I didn’t take Benadryl. Instead, I had hip pain and took one ibuprofen because I’ve found that that’s all I need to kill that pain which has been every fucking day for a few weeks now. I’ve thought of everything it could possibly be and unfortunately, arthritis is the only thing that comes to mind. I don’t think I’m underdoing the exercise and I’m definitely not overdoing it lately either. If anything, I’ve been a bit lazy.

As I said, I woke up feeling out of it today. I don’t know why I keep going back and forth like this but today was one of those days where I almost felt like I slept shitty or only for a few hours and like I’m on the verge of a cold. I have no energy and I’m cold no matter how bundled up I am. Yet no test has ever shown me to have anemia either. Going to be going to the lab on Thursday and it’s that time of year where they test everything they normally test for and then some.

Felt a little depressed but nothing too major. When I was chatting with Tom when he got home from work, I was telling him that I definitely felt best in my thirties. By then I had quit smoking so my asthma and allergies had improved, I didn’t need glasses yet, I was still thin, I still had a libido and a working thyroid. I usually slept the whole night through and didn’t suffer so much fatigue and lightheadedness. If I was depressed or anxious, it was for a reason and not just because. The anxiety back then was a joke compared to how extreme it’s been these last few years.

I might have to stop walking because I’ve got shooting pains down my right thigh. Sciatic nerve? Could be but I don’t know. Seems more of a joint thing than anything else but sometimes the pain isn’t concentrated. It sort of radiates in the upper thigh and groin area, and according to my research, that could be arthritis.

Another thing is that I’m getting bored more often, longing for something new, different and exciting to be thrown into the usual grind for variety’s sake, but this is something that’s a lot easier to wish for than to actually have happen.

Okay, the pain stopped. I’ll walk a bit more.

Taking Ibuprofen every day can’t be good for me so I want to wait until it’s closer to bedtime.

Although I slept most of my birthday, I enjoyed the birthday “cards” I got in both English and German. Tammy and my nieces not acknowledging my birthday is yet another classic example of how self-absorbed they really are. They probably would have if we were still connected, but if they weren’t so stuck on themselves they would have remembered the date. Tammy probably remembered even if she didn’t reach out to me because she supposedly “won’t be around long.”

The schedule predictor program can predict half a year out, so we’ve found, but not a year. It said I’d be getting up at 10:30 PM on the 4th. It was off by nearly 9 hours.

Tom and I were also talking about the lack of universal healthcare in this country and how someone was saying that Canada isn’t as wonderful as you may think because they have to wait longer for things. Yeah, but wouldn’t it be better to wait longer for what you need than to never be able to get it at all because you can’t afford it? This is part of why I wonder if maybe we should get out of the country when he retires. We’re not going to have as much money as he’s making now and I don’t want to lose a big chunk of it to medical expenses.

The book I’m reading, Miss Vengeance, is awesome. I love the way she’s looked up sex offenders online, tracked them down, and is giving them true justice that no court would ever give them. Funny too, because these have been on my list of dark fantasies in the past where I take my anger, frustration or whatever out on not good, decent innocent people but someone who really deserves to suffer. The only problem is that they’re still monitored a little closer than normal and it would be just my shit luck that I got caught torturing the fuckers. Not worth the risk. Even Tom said so when I once brought it up to him.

The fucking shower stall in the master bathroom is still leaking. I just can’t figure out how since there are no pipes in the wall where it’s at. Yet I can clearly see the water bleeding out between the floor and quarter round on the wall that divides the bathroom and kitchen. Maybe it’s coming down where the handles are and rolling over into that area. Either way, why are we always so damn cursed with leaks? Oh well. I don’t want to deal with it. I’ll just use the other shower which I like better anyway until it too, goes to hell and we’re forced to deal with it.

The tea and the 10-minute walk I just did warmed me up, but I still don’t feel all that great overall physically or emotionally. Definitely seem to be worse when I’m on nights.

Oh, hey, I just read that sciatic nerve issues usually affect only one leg at a time and go away after a few days. The fact that this pain is even, along with the location, smacks of arthritis. Just read that inflammatory arthritis can cause fatigue, too.

I feel really out of it, almost like I have a cold. I don’t understand why I go back and forth like this and I wonder if that funny feeling I sometimes get in my head, especially when I first stand up where my hearing temporarily diminishes, could be connected. Read up on that too, and it seems to be connected to a drop in blood pressure upon standing up.

I didn’t even have this kind of fatigue back when I would have PMS regularly. There are other symptoms like fever and weight loss which I definitely don’t have, but not everyone gets all the symptoms. Becky has rheumatoid arthritis which is also a type of inflammation and she definitely doesn’t have any weight loss issues at over 200 pounds. Losing weight would definitely help my joints but that’s not possible so that’s not an option for me.

For now, I guess I just suffer for another 24 years unless my guess is right. Unless I die of a sudden and unexpected stroke or heart attack before I’m 77, that’s about how old I expect to live as I’m guessing Tom will make it to around 85.

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 4, 2018
My God, I’m so sick of Walmart begging for tips for their drivers every time we go to their site! Tipping is wrong. It should be the EMPLOYER’S responsibility to pay their employees. Not the customers. We pay for the goods. That’s enough.

All but one of the people I expected not to get a “happy birthday” from blew off my birthday. The only one that surprised me was Carolyn. I was blown off by some people I didn’t expect to be blown off by like Norma and Jessie, but they’re not very active on Facebook so they may have missed the notification. Adonis and Mitch shouldn’t have missed it but they do interact with me from time to time, so no hard feelings. So along with a couple of ghostly PBers, Kim and Eileen have been deleted. They’ll never notice.

Anne said she thought I was between 30-35. LOL, that’s the second PBer that thought that.

Last night I dreamed that the Twenties were still our neighbors only we lived in an apartment building. We were on the ground floor but they were a couple of apartments away. Even so, I could still hear all the annoying pounding of hammers and other tools as people came to upgrade their place.

It was also my birthday in the dream and I stepped outside my apartment when the mailman (I guess it was the mailman unless it was just left there by the door) gave me a 6-foot balloon which I knew came from McDonald’s because it had the McDonald’s logo on it. I was delighted and pleased and noticed that someone put a dozen or so tea bags in a pouch attached to the balloon. I had no idea who sent it but I knew they had to know me well enough to know I drink tea.

Then I was swimming in the ocean with the Twenties. I told them that even though my birthday was today and they weren’t that much older than me, I felt like they were my parents. LOL

Then I looked around and realized I couldn’t make out the shore in any direction because we’d swum so far out. Realizing it was going to be dark soon, we decided to head for shore in the direction we were pretty sure we’d come from.

MONDAY, DECEMBER 3, 2018
Going to do some writing before the planes get annoying. Haven’t been up in the early morning hours lately to know how they’ve been during those times, but for the last few nights, between 8 and midnight they’re annoying as hell. I think the commercials are actually worse than the small planes because the small planes are easier to drown out.

Damn, though! I can’t get any peace here day or night. I didn’t get up until noon and while I don’t think I heard any landscaping, I heard plenty of loud vehicles, including some asshole gunning his motorcycle which I could hear loud and clear over the treadmill I was on at the time, and sawing at the project junkies. I thought they were done with this latest project but I guess not. Thank God there’s no room for a garage over there because that’s something I could totally see them getting. Maybe they’ll build a patio enclosure instead.

Sure enough, when I commented on a post of Carolyn’s, she either “liked” or replied to everyone but me, so I deleted it. I’m not going to interact with those that don’t interact with me. Period. if I don’t hear from you, you don’t hear from me. Going to be tempted to lash out at Tammy and give her and her spoiled brats a true and honest piece of my mind when they blow off my birthday but I don’t want to piss them off while they know where we live. I’m almost positive they found us in Maricopa through Mary but when we leave here there isn’t going to be anyone they can go to for that information.

Jon waved to me when he was returning home and I was running down the hill in front of his place but by the time I realized who it was, he was pulling into his driveway so I didn’t wave back. I won’t delete him or Carolyn until we move. Believe me, they’ll want to delete me when I say what I have to say to Ray who will no doubt go to them about it. I just hope the old bastard is still alive when that time comes.

It was kind of funny to wake up to my first birthday message on Facebook today since it’s already my birthday in New Zealand, LOL.

Bet I can guess who won’t be wishing me a happy birthday, though. Let’s see… How about Kim, Eileen, Carolyn, Tammy and her narcissistic brats. Plus a couple of PBers. Eileen may surprise me though. On the 5th I’ll decide who to kick out.

I wonder if Jessie is aware that her son not only hates women except for one girl he calls Mary Jane but is a druggie as well. It’s obvious that his posts about “goodies” aren’t referring to chips and beer. I’m assuming he has his mother blocked from those posts, too.

The second book I bought with my credit was awesome. Brutal but chock-full of suspense. It was a book about an abused teenage girl whose parents make mine seem almost like they were saints and how she fights back and all that. Not sure if I like the last book I got because I haven’t read enough of it yet. It’s about a prim-and-proper girl who gets gang-raped and seeks revenge.

Despite the annoyances in life, I’m happy to say that I’m anxiety-free today and hopefully I won’t get super cold either. I’ve always been sensitive to cold but it seems pretty extreme even for me so I’m thinking that I’m still hypo and that’s why I sometimes feel like I’m utterly freezing no matter how much I bundle up. I put the portable heater in the master bedroom so that should help.

No bounding pulse tonight but I had that as well as a pulsing cramp at the base of my neck where it meets the chest on my left side. That went on for a few hours. While I may be in a good mood tonight, I definitely wasn’t last night but was determined not to get in one of my “whoa is me” moods and throw myself a pity party over how unfair life has been to me in the past. No, Tom could never cum and he never wanted to but how many other people would love and accept me the way he does? Yes, I went through a lot of emotional pain back when I thought I wanted a kid and he would string me along about it but he’s such a wonderful man in so many ways and I know that no human being is perfect.

I sometimes wonder if he was single when we met because of his lack of cumming and willingness to do anything about it. A lot of women back then who were in their mid-20s to mid-30s wanted marriage and kids. If he didn’t tell me about his problem upfront then he certainly didn’t tell them. It’s too bad men aren’t upfront about their sexual dysfunctions because if a woman really loves them, she’ll stick with them no matter what. I understand they may be embarrassed or may believe their problem will magically go away and work itself out on its own, but better to be upfront and find out who truly loves and accepts you rather than obtain and hang onto a woman through lies. Or at least through a lack of being upfront. I mean if you weren’t infertile, sooner or later one would make it up there, as most women probably know, but that could take years.

When I don’t feel well physically, especially when I feel anxious or down, I find myself thinking of my childhood. As shitty as it was, there are some aspects of it I sometimes miss and that were actually easier. I had to deal with my mother’s abuse, yes, but I didn’t have the kinds of fears I have now. I had things to look forward to that would be new and exciting, and well, there are just certain things about it I miss. Like how I would live more in the moment and have a sense of safety and security, however false much of it may have been.

I’m finding myself bored a lot lately. There’s never any shortage of things I could be doing, it’s just that I get tired of doing the same old things. I got bored with going through old journals to correct what were mostly small errors and realized that they weren’t meant to be perfect anyway.

Here goes the first plane so on goes my noise-canceling headphones because I’m not going to sit and listen to it every 10 to 15 minutes for 4 fucking hours. I know this is just the modern world almost everywhere but I just can’t seem to adapt to the constant sensory overload.

Wish I could get into playing “pretend.” You know, talk to someone I imagine being in the room with me like I used to do way back when. But I’m 53, not 10. So I can’t make it seem as “real.” Instead, I’d feel kind of foolish. I’ll relax in the dark and try it later maybe.

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 2, 2018
Relaxing with my third and final cup of green tea. Definitely does seem to speed up the metabolism but I still don’t expect to lose more than a few pounds. Maybe, if anything, it will just make it harder for me to gain weight. :-)

I slept better last night even though I woke up a few times and felt better rested today. Even my arm from my flu shot isn’t as sore. I still get these weird feelings in my head at times, though, especially when I first stand up. Had a huge head rush earlier. Yesterday I found myself utterly freezing at times and I’m not sure if it had to do with the flu shot, my thyroid, or just my usual sensitivity to cold. I hate being cold and I’m so tired of it! I’d rather be annoyed with being sweaty and overheated if I can’t be comfortable.

Still keeping things pretty generic in my public journal, especially when it comes to my health and our purchases. Some of it anyway. I know one of my regulars hates Amazon and one time she left a comment saying, “Is there anything you wouldn’t buy?” and I didn’t know if she was teasing or critiquing me, and well, I don’t need anybody judging me. Just sharing with Aly because we know each other well and we don’t judge each other. She and I may not agree on everything but she’s smarter than most people and has a better memory than most people too. Also, if she asks me something, it’s because she’s curious, not judging me.

Well, that didn’t take too long. Alyssa’s pregnant. Don’t know when she changed her profile picture but in the picture, she looks just about full-term. Got to admit I’m kind of surprised and not just because of the times we’re living in but because she just seemed like such a career woman. Like she was really focused on that. I don’t understand how people with such demanding jobs as doctors have are able to make time for kids any more than celebrities. They’ll probably be raised mostly by nannies as many with money seem to seek out.

It really seems like she has it all. She can keep a schedule, she can drive, she’s obviously got a husband who can perform, full rights to her reproductive system, and a great career that pays fantastic. Can her life really be all that perfect? I’m sure there’s got to be some imperfections I can’t see but I honestly can’t believe that she’ll ever know a day in her life of what it’s like to be abused as a child, with sexually defunct people that you love but that doesn’t turn you on in ways that others have that you either don’t know or couldn’t possibly get, and I seriously doubt she’s ever known what it’s like to struggle financially or that she ever will.

She’ll never want for anything such as I have but if I suddenly wanted a kid as I did 20 years ago, I would definitely not give in to that desire with the way the world has become. If they’re even remotely right about the future effects of global warming, I don’t see why anyone would want to bring a child into the world. The overpopulation, the effects of climate change, a possible nuclear war that kills by the millions, maybe even billions… It would almost be selfish and cruel to bring a kid into that.

Again, it makes me wonder… Is there anything out there that has picked and chosen what does and doesn’t come our way? Why would it give some people everything, some people nothing, and some people a mix of good and bad if there was?

Imagine if her hormones left her depressed and anxious as hell, nothing she did helped make her feel better, tensions began between her and her husband, her sex life went to hell, and she suffered from lack of sleep and the immense demands of trying to juggle her home life with her career, and even lost some money or didn’t make nearly as much as she expected.

It will never happen, though. I get it, God, if You exist. You love her. She’s special to You. Some people are Your absolute number one pride and joy while others…eh, who cares, right?

Tom has gone to bed and now I’m left with high hopes of having a calm week and a series of annoying commercial planes. Felt a little wound up earlier and Tom feels certain that it’s just my typical Sunday night anxiety, knowing that he’s going to be gone the next five days.

I got a case of wine spritzers when we ran out to Safeway and drank half of one to see if it helps relax me. I only drank half because I don’t want to fall asleep too early since alcohol makes me tired and I’m not that bad now. The thing is that some things may make me drowsy, but they don’t take that anxious feeling out of the center of my chest. I still worry that I’m never going to find a solution and that I’m going to suffer on and off for the rest of my life. Very tough pill to swallow!

I’m also getting sick of this damn hip pain. The further into my day, the more it picks up. I’ll just suffer until bedtime which is a good 4 hours or so away, then I’ll take Ibuprofen as I have for several days now.

But yeah, imagine that Alyssa? Oh, I know I should be happy for you since no one deserves to suffer but still, I can’t help but not cry, “No fair!”

Anything you want, you just go right on up and get it. How about your husband suddenly having a low drive and being unable to squirt and actually glad that he can’t because he doesn’t want any more kids before you decide you don’t want anymore? How about being tortured by your own mind and body when everything is otherwise going well for you? How about having to make sacrifices because you don’t have enough money? How about feeling like a fucking freak because you can’t do the everyday things others can do, even if there is some good in that?

I can refuse to be anxious all I want and swear up a storm that I’m absolutely not going to let it get to me but it’s much more powerful than my strongest declarations of refusing to feel it and put up with it. It’s not up to me. I don’t rule it, it rules me. And sooner or later it’s coming back with a vengeance, probably during the week.

I’ve got a 4 PM appointment at the lab on Thursday so they can gather all my shitty numbers from my thyroid to my cholesterol. I don’t expect any issues with my red and white blood cell counts although the white will probably be slightly elevated as always. The question is what will my BP be when I see my doctors? I’m trying to lay off the sodium all I can but I’m having that damn bounding pulse right now. Can’t get an accurate BP reading so maybe it’s just anxiety.

The clear handles he got to replace the ones that broke in the shower were a little big so he took a hacksaw to them. Figured it was easier to just cut them than guess again at what size to order.

I had a dream I was on the beach that we used to go to every summer when I was a kid. The beach was deserted and I walked into the water up to my waist. It was still light enough to see well but in just a few seconds it was almost dark. I glanced over to where the dock was down to the right and thought about doing something I’d never done before and that was to walk past it on my own and see what was around the bend. But it was too dark. All I could make out were faint silhouettes of trees against the sky, not that there was any right by the dock.

Then I was in a swimming pool in the next dream when a little girl who was standing next to me said, “You’re a gymnast too,” as she flexed her leg straight up at her side.

I smiled, did the same (not that I ever could do such a thing), and jumped into the deep end of the pool. That’s when I began to drown. For some reason, even though I kept flapping and waving my arms to pull myself up to the surface, I just couldn’t reach it and woke up as I was running out of air.

The fuck is it with me and these dreams? I just don’t get why I have so many negative dreams. First some crazy woman wants to smother me with a pillow a couple of nights ago and then I’m drowning.

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 1, 2018
Viva la Juicy will be my next and final perfume sample.

Not feeling great at all today but at least I’m not anxious… Yet. I haven’t been sleeping well since stopping the Amberen but as soon as I get anxious again and I see that it had nothing to do with it, I may take it again.

I woke up in the middle of my sleep and was unable to get back to sleep right away and had a bit of hip pain so I got up and took Ibuprofen and baby Benadryl. I don’t know if it’s because of taking the Benadryl in the middle of my sleep, because it causes me to sleep longer, or because my sleep was broken up, but just like last time, I woke up feeling tired and hungover. From now on, when I wake too soon I need to hope I fall back asleep on my own, just lie there, or get up.

Despite feeling out of it, we went to Rite Aid and got flu shots. I also picked up some green tea because it’s supposed to help aid the metabolism if you have something like 2 to 4 cups a day. I had a couple of cups today but nothing has helped yet.

When we got back I felt horribly cold even being bundled up and under the bedcovers. I’m just now starting to warm up. I get cold easily but this was extreme even for me, so unless I’m still pretty hypo, I wonder if it was related to the flu shot. I couldn’t find that listed as a side effect but fatigue is. I usually have next-day fatigue so even if I sleep better tonight, I may still be kind of out of it tomorrow but that’s okay. It’s okay to take a lazy weekend every now and then to just relax. If I had cleaning to do or some other plans then I might feel guilty lying around in bed all day. I’ve been in and out of bed all day and evening. I got my Bing points and checked in with friends but that’s pretty much it.

Now, after taking Ibuprofen for that damn hip pain and having some oatmeal, I’m starting to warm up. Really don’t understand this frustrating hip pain. The longer it goes on, the more I’m going to wonder if it could be arthritis of some kind. An injury is looking less likely and I haven’t been overdoing or underdoing the exercise. I still exercise 4-5 days a week.

It would be in my best interest not to get up before 10 tomorrow morning so I don’t want to take Benadryl before bed (to help me sleep more solid) until somewhere between 1 and 2 AM. Those fucking neck knockers are back too. Starting to think that’s more anxiety-related than due to blood pressure and sodium even though I feel calm now, but I don’t know for sure. I just dread the day the anxiety returns!

I’m disappointed that the planes have returned even though I knew they would. Last night it was small planes, tonight it’s commercials.

Got an adorable 18” gold lab statue lying with its head on its paws to place on the living room vent that the Roomba keeps getting stuck on. Should be here in a week or two.

More shitty dreams last night. I was thrown in jail in some foreign country. I don’t know why or what the country was. They spoke a language I didn’t understand. I stood by looking strangely innocent in this girly dress and my hair was in braids. I looked at the jailers as they chatted in this foreign language and then one of them spoke English.

“You speak English!” I exclaimed with relief. And then I told the guy I was worried I wouldn’t get my thyroid medication and would, therefore, slip into a coma.

Not sure what happened after that but in another dream, he and I moved to my home state. I was shivering with cold and saying, “What the fuck were we thinking?!”

I seemed to be on the street I spent my first 12 or 13 years on and for some reason, there was no working bathroom in the house. I had to walk down the street and around the corner to the bathroom. As I neared the end of the street, I contemplated zipping across the street to pee in the woods on the other side of it but didn’t want anyone in the corner houses to spot me and wonder why I was going into the woods.