October 2018 in 2010s

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 31, 2018
Giving a few Facebook friends till the end of the year to interact with me. If they don’t I’m deleting them. I don’t know why but I’m very picky about that. I don’t add people to my friend list for decoration. There’s gotta be some interaction even if it’s only once a month or so.

Are the Twenties ignoring me or something? I asked them about the uptick in commercial planes and if they knew anything about it but they’ve completely blown me off. They would interact with me occasionally but lately, there’s been nothing. Mr. Twenties claims he’s not using Facebook because of privacy issues. Yet he seems to be on playing games. I have a feeling he has me blocked from his posts but oh well. His account, his choice.

At the end of the year, I will be doing friend list housekeeping and deleting a few deadbeats. Kim and Eileen from Massachusetts will likely be going and so will Sandra, an older PB lady in Tennessee that I never hear from anymore either there or on Facebook. I’ll have to look and see who else is worthy of being deleted but I don’t have many friends there to begin with. For some reason, I’m extremely picky about who I add there and I currently only have 22 people added. I’ve become more into keeping people I know and “reality” separate from other sites like PB, Twitter, etc. To me, Facebook is reality or at least it should be; real names, real people, so I’m not going to be sharing journals and stuff like that there anymore.

So what’s with the strange loud motor? In the mornings lately, I’ve been hearing what sounds like large utility trucks entering the park. Yesterday I heard the steady drone of what sounded like something running that wasn’t too close but that was probably pretty loud. I have no idea what it could’ve been but I’m dreading the next project I can’t drown out with sound machines. I still say they’re going to pave the roads if they don’t tear them up again for some shit that got fucked up somehow. Or to replace something with newer stuff.

I want the new MacBook Air. Maybe someday. It would help if the US would get with the times and not cost its people so much in medical expenses. The water tank’s pressure valve is leaking now, too. Starting to think that going to Hawaii one more time and getting a decent bed that won’t sag in a few months is just a dream.

Yesterday was a wonderfully calm day with sufficient energy. Why can’t it always be like that or at least 75% of the time? Now I don’t know what the hell to think anymore. Tom thinks I was just anxious on Monday because it was the start of the week when he’s going to be out for five days in a row. But then why do I sometimes get anxious when we’re hanging out together on weekends? We know the medication was responsible for the problems I had when I first went on 75s and when she tried me on 88s. That’s a no-brainer. But maybe the random anxiety really is due to my lady hormones still fluctuating unless I’ve got something else going on with me I don’t know about which seems unlikely. Too soon to say whether or not the Liothyronine or magnesium supplements are helping. Skin is still pretty dry so that may not be a good sign but then I am older and I do live in a climate that’s damn near close to being the desert.

I seriously wonder when it’s going to rain again. We’ve only had a few days of rain in about half a year. It could make up for lost time in a month or so, though. I love the rain and how it keeps things quieter but I don’t want the roof to get any worse before we leave.

Nothing from Norma so I’m guessing she either didn’t get a chance to talk to Tammy or she learned that Tammy’s just being her usual hypochondriac self. Maybe she feels uncomfortable saying anything negative about Tammy so she’s chosen to say nothing at all. Well, I’m not going to say anything more. I’ve got to live my own life and worry about my own problems.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 30, 2018
Yesterday was Kate Jackson’s 70th birthday. Jaclyn Smith is a few years older.

Tom said several people are quitting at work and going to work at some other warehouse but doesn’t know what the pay is. The thing is that they were already making a lot less than he makes. It would really be nice if he could get a job working graves because it would make doing things in the daytime easier, like going to appointments, but I can’t believe any other place would start him off at $19 an hour. But if it was third shift then being an American company wouldn’t matter. It would suck if he couldn’t get as many days off but at least he wouldn’t have to take days off for appointments.

The water was off yesterday although I went to bed right before they turned it off. The fucking water is going off again on Thursday. Damn, am I sick of this place! I hate to think of being here another 5-6 years. I can just imagine all the projects I’ll be in for. Never lived anywhere before where I dreaded the possibility of them working in the road or cutting trees down with their thunderously loud saws and wood chippers. I also can’t believe all the planes here. There have definitely been way more commercial planes. Early yesterday morning it was one after another and I’ve heard several since I’ve been up. There’s no getting peace here even at night.

I wish noise was the worst of my problems but unfortunately I was very anxious yesterday. It was almost to the point where I dreaded the idea of him leaving for work. Stopping the Amberen again after reading that they recommend stopping after 90 days and then if you have symptoms doing another 90 days. It’s a mega longshot but there is a very very slim chance that it could be contributing to my anxiety even though I wouldn’t think a blend of vitamins and minerals would do that. I suppose anything is possible even though I doubt it has anything to do with it. So far today I’m calm but it’s a little early in my day. That’s usually a midday thing so I’m still about 3 hours away from any potential trouble. Going to be taking my magnesium, vitamin D and multivitamin in a few minutes. If I get unusually anxious I may stop the magnesium. A few people did say it actually wound them up. Can’t say if the Lio had anything to do with it or not. Looking at my notes, it seems I’ve had 5 anxious days out of the last 15. As I may have said before, I’m beginning to think that if I was meant to fix this then I wouldn’t have had it for so long to begin with.

The glasses came today and I’m still not sure if progressives are right for me. I hate how you have to look through a specific spot in the lens in order to see certain things. Sometimes I wonder if I should go back to traditional bifocals even though I would lose mid-range that way. They’re awfully loose too, so they’ll have to be tightened. The round raspberry frames look better on me than the rectangular purple frames but the purples are only for the computer anyway.

Norma replied saying she hopes Tammy and I work things out, sisterhood is important, her sister left her and her brother, etc. She said she’ll keep my message between us and hasn’t spoken with Tammy recently but will call tomorrow (today) to see what she can find out.

I would still think that if she was really dying, Norma and I would’ve been notified. Plus, Tammy’s been on Facebook pretty much daily. If you were dying, would you really be on Facebook every day?

I think I’m still a bit too nice, too caring, and too forgiving. Meaning that I know I should simply ignore Tammy regardless of biology if Norma confirms she’s not dying after she calls her today. Saying you want to die, are thinking about dying, feel like you’re dying, or think you might die at a specific time is one thing. Saying you “won’t be around long” is another. That’s low. That’s just really low. That’d be great for her and the girls if she wasn’t checking out anytime soon but I’m definitely done with her, without guilt or shame, if I learn she lied about dying.

Plus there’s all the other drama I could do without. I’ve had it with the she said/he said game, and I’m not going to defend or explain myself to anyone either.

MONDAY, OCTOBER 29, 2018
I guess I better get caught up here before I get too behind.

Tom worked from home yesterday on and off for about 11 hours and made a couple of hundred extra bucks which never hurts. I may have more appointments but he’s been costing us more medical-wise, as I love to bust him about.

We both took our first magnesium supplement yesterday. He noticed no effects but it may have made me a little drowsy. I’m tired today as well but only because I was up a long time and only slept 6 hours.

Went to Walgreens yesterday morning where I got some M&M’s and pork rinds which I pigged out on and ended up having heartburn and nausea at the end of my day. If I get it again today I’m going to wonder if it’s the magnesium. Took it for the second time a couple of hours ago. Still way too soon to say whether or not it’s going to help me with anxiety. I’m taking every preventive measure I can think of. I’ve tapped, I’ve taken my multivitamin, my vitamin D, and my Amberen. I’ll probably take that last one every other day instead of every day. I still don’t think it made me anxious but I have to try to find out what’s what and I can’t do that if I do too much at once.

Took my 5th dose of Liothyronine and I’m nervous about that approaching one-week marker. There are actually a few milestones I have to hope I get through. First one is a week.

At Walgreens, I also got some soda and colorful gems that you stick on whatever. I used the purple ones to stick on the little green spot of light on my laptop power cord. It’s amazing how such a teeny tiny spot can give off so much light and be so damn bright. It’s literally like having a night light in here. My alarm clock is much worse, though.

Saturday I decided to take a chance and sleep without the earbuds since my appointments aren’t right around the corner. Sure enough, traffic woke me up.

We ordered a narrow shower curtain that’s 36x72 for the master bathroom shower because I would still like to have that shower as an option if I want to shower when he’s asleep like right now. We’re going to remove the leaky glass door but not get rid of it. We’ll put it back on when we leave. That is, assuming I really survive to get out of here someday! The shower curtain has a beach scene on it with ocean, sand, and sky.

I also ordered another bronze figurine, this one doing a yoga pose. They call it a pigeon pose. This one is a little different than my other bronze ladies. The others are completely nude and in sensual or casual poses. This one has a painted body suit.

Last night the planes were amazingly quiet but I’m sure that around 6am the commercials will be zooming by one after another. I never did get a reply from them either. I sent a message to the Sacramento Airport.

Last night I had a dream Tammy and I were working on our computers side by side. We were both on Facebook. Only our “computers” were these large touch screens on the wall. I saw Tammy tap a button to add me as a friend. I accepted and wrote, “Hello, bitch,” with a smile emoji.”

It was after this that I finally decided to do something I’ve been debating on… Go to Norma and beg her to keep my message between us. If she betrays me I will simply delete her. No words, no confrontation, no nothing. I’ll just delete her. I filled her in on the situation and hopefully she can give me some concrete information as to what’s really going on with Tammy.

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 26, 2018
“Implying that you’re dying simply because you’re pissed is low. Like really low.”

That’s what I posted publicly on Facebook wondering if the drama queen might see it and come to her own defense, giving me an idea of whether or not there’s any truth to her implications. But there’s no evidence she’s seen it or been to my blog.

I was also hoping that if she didn’t, maybe Norma would ask whom I was talking about and I could get some information from her. I thought about sending her a private message and begging her to keep our chat between us but I know she won’t. She’s always favored Tammy over me and while that in itself is fine, I know she can’t be trusted. She proved that 30 years ago in Springfield when she automatically assumed I was behind the prank phone calls she was getting and went to Ruth about it. I swear I have no recollection of ever calling her but it was a small city, so if I ever did call her, I dialed randomly and got her by accident. This happened to Andy a couple of times with a couple of people. Norma did apologize for the false accusation and admitted she should have gone to me but I still wouldn’t trust her with a secret.

Tom needs to invent a browser toolbar with drop-down menus with links to pages on the same site. I want to bookmark all my blogs on Blogger but that would take up a lot of the bookmark toolbar space.

Went down to the lake to give the ducks the old bread and felt warm, a bit weak in the legs, and my heart raced a bit as well. My vitals were fairly decent, though, after I got back and relaxed a bit. Might have happened even without the Lio since it’s happened before and is common in women my age.

Now I’m still a bit warm, slightly light-headed, and tired. The biggest thing is not getting anxious. I’ll make my special Sleepytime brew at around midnight.

They’re going to be turning off the fucking water for 6 hours on Monday. I’ll be asleep through most of it. I had a feeling about this too, before Tom told me he got a message about it. He said a few days ago he saw a major pipe burst by the gate. They capped it off temporarily.

We’re going to be dropping our eye insurance plan at the end of the year because of the way they restrict when we can get exams. Rather than pay them to tell us when to go, we’ll just pay for it ourselves and go when we want to.

Last night I had a dream I spotted Linda Ronstadt in some restaurant. I was eating alone and she was three or four tables away, also eating alone. I thought of going up to her but I didn’t want to bother her. Seeing that she was almost finished and would leave before I did, I decided I would say hello on her way out. Yet when she got up and walked past me, I had a big mouthful of food and couldn’t chew and swallow it fast enough to say anything. So off she went without a word from me.

Then I had this dream that I was in this strange jail. There was a lake that was pretty wavy for a lake in which we swam in. We also had these really weird gadgets that I guess were phones. I don’t know why I was there or for how long but it was weird. Stacey might have been in the dream as well.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 25, 2018
I was so exhausted yesterday that I fell asleep early and got up a little early. Felt a bit wound up toward the end of my day yesterday as well. My schedule’s definitely been rolling slower and I think it’s mostly due to how exhausted I’ve been getting. So many days I’m too tired to stay up my usual 16 to 18 hours. I see both Dr. A and Dr. O on the 17th of December and right now my schedule is ideal for my morning appointment with Dr. A but if it backs up too much more it will make Dr. O really hard.

I’m back to tapping more and having more Sleepytime tea for whatever good it may do me, and we even ordered Triple Calm Magnesium capsules from Amazon that a friend on Prosebox recommended. There are some scary reviews but most look promising. I don’t know if it will help with my particular kind of anxiety because I don’t even know exactly what it is. Is it generalized anxiety or does it fit into some other category? Tom still thinks a lot of it could be on my hormones and not the meds, which I’ve survived my second dose of. Tom wants to try them for leg cramps that sometimes wake him up.

77% of the reviews are 5-star while 4% are 1-star. Some said it made their palpitations worse and kept them up at night. The more desperate I get, though, the more I’m willing to risk potential side effects.

So far, I have more energy today and I’m still fairly calm but like I said yesterday, anxiety tends to be a mid-day thing so that’s when I’ll have my Sleepytime tea as a preemptive measure.

Worked out on the Bowflex for 10 minutes and the treadmill for a half-hour. If my energy levels and hips will let me, I’ll add a half hour a day until I’m walking two hours a day. That way I burn a little over 400 calories.

Even though the Amberen is an unlikely culprit because this particular kind of anxiety didn’t start until about 5 months after I started it, I’m going to back off of it for a while and see how I do. I’ve had a little more in the way of hot flashes lately but not too much lightheadedness. That was the biggest thing it seemed to help the most with.

The only good news is that Tom gets to work Saturday which gives us a couple of hundred extra dollars but he gets to do it from home. He’ll be working from 11 a.m. to 7 p.m. instead of his usual hours.

Last night’s dream may have been a glimpse into another dimension since I lived at home with an older sister and younger brother. We lived with our single mom who looked a lot like Vera Farmiga, Mrs. Bates on Bates Motel. We were trying to talk her into going on some game show and making big bucks because she was really smart and was able to answer all the questions they asked their contestants.

The layout of the house was pretty clear. Some of it, anyway. I don’t know how old I was but to one side of my room was a bathroom in which my mom’s room was off the other side. To the other side of me was my sister’s room and my brother was across the hall.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 24, 2018
Well, I’ve got shitty news and I’ve got good news. The shitty news is that I was both anxious and depressed during the last half of my day yesterday. First half started off a little tired and a little light-headed but that improved.

The good news is that I’ve survived my first dose of Liothyronine. But one dose is far from enough to tell me anything either way. All I can say is that it’s very unlikely I’ll ever have an allergic reaction to the stuff. The next milestone will be getting through a week, then six weeks, then over two months. If I can get over two months without incident, that would be great. It would be beyond great, however, if it could help stop the anxiety.

Yesterday’s surprising and disappointing bout of anxiety has me more confused than ever as to what could be the cause. The thought of never being able to figure it out and never being able to do anything about it is, to me, a very real and scary possibility. I’m trying not to go there in my mind but it both does and doesn’t make sense for it to be the Levothyroxine. My T4 isn’t elevated right now so it can’t be that. Could my lady hormones still be out of whack despite being virtually menopausal? Could some of it simply be my way of reacting to stress these days?

I don’t know. I just don’t know what to think anymore. All I know is that I find myself entertaining some very dark thoughts way too often at times and if the anxiety doesn’t stop soon, who knows how many more years I can take of this shit before I seriously consider acting on them? I don’t want it to come to that but I don’t want to live to suffer so much of the time either.

No anxiety yet today but for some strange reason, it tends to get me in the middle of my day. I’m just tired today because I’ve been sleeping shitty for a few days now. Until I can get good sleep, I’m not going to have much energy. I have a feeling that even if I was never anxious again, I would still be fatigued a lot of the time. I’ll still take that over anxiety, the anxiety is the absolute worst.

I’ve been itchy a lot lately and I’m having serious doubts about ever finding my LS in remission. Even if I did, though, the past always comes back to haunt me. Sooner or later it will return.

On his next birthday, we’ll be able to start checking every month to see how much money he could get if he retired at that moment. I’m sure the only thing we could afford would be those $300 studios back up in Oregon.

Crazy Lisa was in my dreams last night. I was writing her letters by hand. We were talking one day and she told me she was selling them online. Apparently, selling postal letters had become a big thing since they had become less common.

My dream self loved this idea and was all excited to start selling letters too, even though I wasn’t getting any, LOL. So she was about to sign me up on a site I could sell them through, which needed my credit card info. I decided to wait and see which credit card of ours Tom thought would be the best one to use so I asked her to just give me a site tour until he got home.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 23, 2018
Worked a little on the dollhouse but might need his help with the wiring. I’m sorry I got this kit. It’s way too much work and it’s actually kind of boring. Every time I think I’m almost done, there’s more to do.

Next time we replace half of the fish’s water I’m going to remove the wasted castle and plants. He’s shown no interest in any of it and it would make it easier for me to suck shit off the bottom.

We’re also going to keep the rats on the bottom of their cage and close the upstairs because of how hard it’s gotten for them to walk.

I’m not feeling as bad as expected today but I am a little tired. I was a little light-headed earlier as well but that’s cleared up and I’m perking up a bit. I didn’t sleep all that great because I kept waking up.

I wish to hell I was oblivious to climate or liked cold weather and snow. Canada would be a great place to retire as long as the cost of living was reasonable. They have mobile home parks for older people too, and Universal Health Care. It’s a liberal country that takes care of its own. What’s not to like about it?

A cold climate would definitely make for a quieter place to live as I wouldn’t have to hear the loud obnoxious sounds of landscaping every single fucking day nor would there be as many motorcycles. They may keep making vehicles louder despite the technology we have these days but it would be a lot quieter overall. I just can’t see myself suffering through such cold and snow all over again, though. I really want to be in a tropical climate even if it means more motorcycles, more noise in general, the risk of hurricanes, and also losing a good chunk of our money to medical expenses. If we go somewhere where it’s significantly cheaper to live, like Florida, maybe that will help balance out the medical costs that will increase as we continue to age. I don’t know, though. We have to pay a grand for his MRI and now a grand for his steroid shot. We’re not going to get a place 2k cheaper per month because not even this place is that much.

When the time comes, he is going to switch to a more expensive insurance plan that will take a little more money out of his paychecks but that covers more.

Random thought of the day: I was remembering when I was shown a private girls’ school close to home when I was 16 before my mother gave me up to the state. Although there may have been much more freedom there than Valleyhead ever had and I would later come to wish I had chosen the damn place since I would end up with no choice in the end, what kid wants to voluntarily leave home to live with strangers no matter how unhappy their home life may be? Huh? Tell me. What kid? Did they really think I was going to come out that day and say, “Oh wow, this is cool! I like it! I want to live here so bad even though I don’t know a damn person in this place. I want to leave my home and all that’s familiar to me even if my mother’s an abusive bitch who doesn’t do my mood and self-esteem the least bit of good. I’ll be happier in a house full of strangers where I don’t have much of my belongings and nothing is familiar to me. So exciting!”

Well, guess what, Dureen? The daughter you were so sure was crazy was really normal after all.

MONDAY, OCTOBER 22, 2018
Yesterday I was exhausted all day and a bit depressed as well because of it. Today I had enough energy to go for a walk and I feel pretty good overall. I’m just enjoying it while I can because I know it won’t last.

Last night my mind raced with all kinds of questions and possibilities. I thought of all the stories pertaining to near-death experiences that I’ve heard over the years describing tales of visiting both good places and bad. Well, I still don’t know if I believe in any kind of an afterlife, but if there is such a thing as Heaven and Hell, I wonder if there are different versions of these places because different people have told different stories of both places. That is unless they’re just that…stories. Or maybe they’re hallucinations or dreams that they truly believe are real.

When you consider those who believe you automatically go to hell if you don’t accept the Lord Jesus Christ as your personal savior, this makes me wonder about some things. If this is true, how could I get myself to accept something I don’t even know if I believe in? This is just a story people tell and not anything I can verify as true or not. I can’t make myself believe what I don’t know. And what about babies who die before they’re old enough to be told these stories and possibly turned into believers? Do they automatically go to hell?

Lately, I find myself questioning what my behavior may achieve in the end if there is any such afterlife where our actions are judged. I worry I may “pay” for it in the end if there is an afterlife and I continue to ignore my family. But at the same time, I know I should follow my heart and my head whenever I feel it’s best to do so and just be myself for there are no guarantees I’m going to be judged for anything even if there is an afterlife.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 21, 2018
Woke up with this horrible pain in the center of my back but it’s better now. I’d say it’s time I stop the HIIT routines. I’m too old and heavy for those. I’d rather just do basic cardio, work my core, and play around on the Bowflex every now and then. I just wish I had the energy to do it more regularly!

I also woke up very tired. I was up a long time last night unable to sleep because I had been caught up on sleep the day before. I was up for about 19 hours and slept for about 9. I’ve been very tired ever since. I wonder if I overdid the tacrolimus, if I had a huge sugar crash from the cheesecake I ate, or if it’s something else. I’m just sick of feeling so blah so often. Even if I had a good story idea (though I don’t), I’m still too tired for too many days to do things like NaNoWriMo next month, especially with a hard word count of 50k.

We ordered the glasses today so they’ll be here within two weeks.

We used the new fish tank vacuum hose to siphon out half of the betta’s water and replaced it with filtered water. I aimed the temperature checker at the stream of water coming out of the faucet to make sure it was within the ballpark of what it’s supposed to be before I filtered it and Tom added conditioning drops.

I’m still stressed out over the upcoming Liothyronine experiment and going back and forth in my mind between reaching out to Tammy and the girls and not. I still don’t know what to make of her cryptic message. I’m just not sure what the right thing to do would be. I don’t want to come off like I don’t care at all but if they don’t care about me, then why bother? If they’d rather not hear from me then I should respect their wishes, but is that what they really want? I just don’t know what they would prefer. Hell, I don’t even know what I would prefer. We may have our differences and Tammy has certainly been both directly and indirectly responsible for causing me a lot of grief in life but I don’t want her to suffer or die. I realize, though, that if she is really dying and not just hyping things up because she’s pissed or wants attention she can’t otherwise ask for, for some reason, there’s nothing I can do about it.

Tammy has never been dumb but she isn’t bright either and I wonder if something’s been wrong with her brain these last few years. She’s always had a habit of seeming forgetful or not able to grasp quite what I’m saying almost in the way Andy has, though not nearly as bad. Yet these last few years I’ve noticed it more. It’s like no matter how many times I explained certain things to her like what I really meant when I said I didn’t want any drama, she still doesn’t get it. Is she just not understanding? Or is she just determined to make a situation what she wants it to be? I suppose both age and stress along with the health issues themselves could mess with her mind and the way her brain functions.

I realize this may be selfish of me but if the end is near, I feel like I’m less obligated to attend her funeral and have to deal with her kids. I would be ready with some excuse if it came to that, and truthfully, we really do need to watch our money since we have to pay so much in medical expenses as we age and continue to acquire more health issues. I feel I have enough of my own health issues right now to be taking off on my own, assuming Tom would be unable to accompany me. So yeah, I’m torn between being compassionate and selfish.

For once I got to have weird and funny dreams.

In one dream I was sleeping in a king-size bed between Palma and her husband of all people and they had a newborn baby in a nearby crib. We were all settling in for the night and I dreaded being woken up because I knew the damn kid wasn’t going to remain quiet all night.

Then I got up since I wasn’t ready to sleep anyway and was moving about the house which seemed to be in the form of a circle. Picture a circular hallway. Later, I was commanding Alexa to turn off certain lights before returning to bed. As I climbed over Palma and slipped in under the covers between the two, Palma was still awake if only barely and asked what I was doing. I said something about turning the lights off.

In the next dream, I was going down a slide in a park somewhere over and over again. A guy in his twenties who was noticeably taller than me but skin and bones was calling out lewd and perverted comments to me. Not only was I confused at why he would say such things to someone decades older and on the heavy side, but I was also getting pissed. So after I hit the ground I walked over to him and asked, “How much do I weigh?”

He looked at me with confusion. Just like I look younger than my age, I look lighter than I am. So again I asked him how much I weighed and he shrugged and said, “I don’t know, 120 maybe?”

I grabbed his wrist painfully and said through bared teeth, “152 pounds of pure steel, fat and fury. I suggest you think twice before calling out whatever to whoever.” Then I turned and walked off leaving him stoned behind me.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 20, 2018
What the hell did I just read???

I accidentally messaged Tammy on Facebook about my medication changes and all that, then said I was sorry for hitting her name by mistake. She said that’s okay, she’s in crisis too.

I asked what she was talking about and she said, “We haven’t spoken because you stated that you didn’t want any drama. No problem. I won’t be around for long.”

She misunderstood what I meant when I said I didn’t want any drama. I was upset with her kids calling me out on my own posts. That’s what I meant about the drama.

“Don’t reach out to my daughters either. I have one dealing with breast cancer and one with a bleeding ulcer and a hole in her stomach. This family loves and supports each other unconditionally. We still have your messages about family drama and being deleted by you.”

Wrong again, sis. I deleted you, but your selfish, narcissistic kids deleted me. Their choice. I’m just respecting their wishes.

As far as I knew, though, we’d moved on past this shit. I wished Sarah a happy birthday in our family group message and both she and Tammy thanked me for saying hello to everyone. I don’t know why she’s bringing this up now. Some of what she said didn’t make sense and she would only hint at some things.

I told her to please not say she won’t be around much longer and that we know she will be because she’s tough. They once told her she would die from cervical cancer but she didn’t.

“Guess again, Jodi,” she said.

Guess what???

Okay, so she’s well aware of the dream premonitions I’ve had throughout the years and my concerns for when she’s 62. Well, that’s less than a year from now and she’s hinting at something bad. Something very bad. But because she’s not exactly spelling anything out specifically, I’m going to assume she’s just having a rough time and try not to worry. Even I feel like I’m not going to be around much longer at times. Hell, I wonder if I’ll survive the upcoming meds experiment! bites nails fearfully Seriously, I hope this is just her usual exaggerations. She’s been a hypochondriac all her life. Until and if she ever says otherwise in a way I can be sure isn’t some kind of twisted joke out of spite or for attention, I’m not going to read much into it. Even Tom said not to bother overthinking that one. I think if she were literally dying and was given a terminal prognosis, I would’ve been notified. I’ll not contact her again unless I do hear more from her.

As for her kids…last time I’ll say this: I’m sorry if anything I ever said or did hurt them which was never my intention, I’ve already apologized, and I still have a right to post what I want without being called out on it just like they do.

Meanwhile, will Lisa ever apologize for wrongly calling me a liar and going ballistic on me over a simple misunderstanding she had with someone who was bordering on dementia before they died when she could’ve politely and kindly asked me about it in a civilized manner? Apparently not and apparently this family does not love and support each other unconditionally, but that’s okay. I’m done bickering over petty shit that happened years ago, so yeah, I don’t want any drama. I have enough going on in my own life right now that needs to be dealt with. Besides, it’s okay to hurt me as far as they’re concerned. My feelings don’t matter.

If any of Tammy’s kids have what I’m told they have, I’m sorry. Really, I am. But while these things may suck to have to deal with and be very scary, they can be taken care of. 50 years ago, maybe not.

There’s more I could say to Tammy and her kids right now but I won’t for reasons I just stated. Also, if this is one of those rare times that she’s not playing things up, I don’t want her to go out of this world with us fighting.

For a while, I’ve had a feeling about that 50s, 60s, 70s, 80s thing. Larry died in his 50s. Parents died in their 80s. Been having feelings about Tammy dying in her 60s and me in my 70s. If I’m right, then technically I shouldn’t be too worried about my own health, but I was wrong about Tom’s mom dying at 87 or whatever the fuck it was. She’s 95 now. So yeah, I do worry at times about not living long enough to get out of this state someday be it because I throw in the towel because we can’t figure out how to stop my anxiety or because I’m surprised by something sneaking up on me be it a heart attack, stroke, cancer or whatever.

Later…

Three out of three appointments are now out of the way and I can now enjoy being appointment-free for 2 months… As long as there are no issues with the Liothyronine, of course. Unfortunately, I have a bad habit of thinking I have longer than I actually do before the next appointment.

Felt great today and we both had our eye exams. Same doctor for the last 4 years or so. She has the same assistant too.

His vision hasn’t changed much but I’m more farsighted this year. I figured as much. I’ve noticed that I’ve been having trouble when using my phone and laptop.

According to the test I took on a site that sells glasses, I don’t have a round face like I thought I did but a pear-shaped face instead. My pupil distance is 53, which is on the small side. I’ve got a dark pink round frame picked out for my progressive/transition lenses and a purple rectangular pair for my mid-range lenses that I’ll use for my laptop. Tomorrow we’ll add in the prescription numbers and order. The pink pair is 14 g and the purple pair is 17 g.

She said my OH is stable and it doesn’t look like I’ll ever have to worry about getting glaucoma. His eyes were dilated but I opted out of that this year. Next year she’s going to take pictures of the inside of my eyes so she can make sure the optic nerve is still healthy.

We stopped at McDonald’s on the way out where I got chicken strips and he got burgers.

No bounding pulse today. It was pretty consistent yesterday and I’m still not sure why. Tom thinks it’s just stress. Well, then why didn’t I have this problem when I’d be stressing in the past? Different time, different situation, he said. I guess he has a point there.

Walmart now delivers in our town so we’re expecting a delivery in the morning. Like other stores, they don’t always have everything but they are cheaper and I do like their site better even if it’s not perfect. They also have a better selection than Raley’s and Safeway.

We were kind of pissed to get a bill for a grand for the steroid injection he had in his ear. I find it awfully hard to believe it cost that much. Actually more when you consider the part that the insurance paid.

As for Tammy… I still don’t know what to think. Despite having definite health issues, she is a hypochondriac and I would think I would have been told if she was really dying. I think she knew damn well what I met when I said I didn’t want any drama, too. This may sound funny, but if she’s hyping things up and is still alive in a year I’m going to be pissed. Implying that you’re dying when you’re not just because you’re pissed or you want attention is low. I mean really low.

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 19, 2018
Managed to get through yesterday without feeling anxious and I’m doing okay today as well. Not great, but okay. Even when I’m not actually anxious I’m still stressed out and worried about the upcoming experiment and sometimes just worrying about being anxious can be bad enough. However, my bounding pulse is more noticeable today than anxiety. Definitely gotta ask my PCP about that in December. It’s getting old.

The experiment may start on Wednesday or Thursday instead of Friday because of a slight change in his schedule. He may work at home on Saturday night.

It really does seem like my whole problem has lied within my T4. This is what I’ve suspected all along too. It would explain why I go hyper while having hypo numbers, though my T4 was never actually hypo. I’ve always had a normal T4. It really does seem like my body feels best as long as my T4 remains at the very lower end of normal. I don’t understand why my pituitary gland keeps screaming for more but I’m hoping that the T3 (Liothyronine) will shut it the hell up since the louder it screams the more of a risk there is of enlarging my thyroid.

Charlotte R was in my dreams last night. Since people have shown up in my dreams twice that I remember right after they died, I checked the obits but she’s still alive. She would be very old now in her mid to late 80s.

In the dream, my mother was alive and I was with both of them and maybe some others in my childhood home. I don’t know if I was younger but my mother and Charlotte seemed like they were maybe in their 50s or 60s.

I came down the stairs dressed in pajamas and Charlotte looked at me funny and said something about suggesting a different style of pajamas or something like that.

“They’re only PJs,” I told her, with a dismissive wave of my hand.

Then she was looking from the living room into the kitchen but instead of a dining table being there, there were cabinets and shelves with some kind of boxes and containers.

“What the heck was that?” she asked and walked toward the boxes. Even though I didn’t see any mice, she decided one was trapped inside one of the boxes. Then she said, “Well, that mouse wants out,” and she started to adjust the boxes so it could get out.

“No, it doesn’t,” I assured her. “I know rats and mice may look similar but their behavior is different. I could tell you all the differences but that’d take too long and probably bore you. But I can assure you that mouse definitely does not want out.”

Speaking of mice, when I went into my main office in the living room and connected to the large monitor, I still experienced mouse jumping. Was hoping the upgrade would stop the jerking motion but I really can’t stand it in there anyway because of the loud daily landscaping that’s much easier to hear in there. My God, though, how many fucking times a week can you mow the same blades of grass and how many times can you blow the same fucking leaves?

Even trash day is a big production here. As horrible as Phoenix was, they drove up, dumped the trash, and then they were gone. But now it’s like they take forever, and as Tom said, they drive around aimlessly for no apparent reason.

We’re going to be ordering groceries from Prime Now to try it out sometime soon. It’s supposed to be same-day delivery.

Still waiting on the rat pillowcase from China. I guess it hasn’t cleared Customs yet. It was in San Francisco last I knew.

Wondering when I’m ever going to stop spotting. Really hope I get an even longer break before the next period!

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 18, 2018
Reapplying the Return to Sender spell today and started praying to a God I don’t know exists or if it even gives a shit about me if it does. So far I’m oddly and wonderfully calm. I don’t know what to think at this point. I really don’t. I truly don’t understand why it’s so erratic. Why do I go hyper with hypo numbers? Again I wonder if there could be something else wrong with me that we don’t know about but that’s hard to believe with all the tests I’ve had done. Tom doesn’t think anything else is wrong either.

Someone recommended acupuncture, saying that her husband has OCD, PTSD and anxiety and it worked wonders for him after just 4 sessions. I doubt our insurance covers that but if I knew it would work, we would pay for it.

Aly said it didn’t do her dad any good for his back, but a Fitbit pal swears by it and goes monthly for help with anxiety and panic attacks.

The paramedics were at the stroke house again yesterday. I saw Virginia meet them. I guess it couldn’t have been too serious cuz they were here a while.

Because I stupidly removed the earbuds thinking I was getting up sooner than I did, traffic woke me up twice. Still slept better and feel more refreshed though not exactly bursting with energy, and the best thing is that I don’t remember a single dream from last night. Skin’s better too, so it was probably just a lotion thing. Regardless of Amy’s recommendations, Curél is still what my skin likes best.

Unfortunately, Aly’s current boyfriend, Cam, joined Ask and reached out to me with a question about whether or not I believe in witches. I answered politely and asked him a question in return but hesitated to get too involved. Knowing Aly’s fondness for nutjobs, I don’t want to become a potential target when the two of them break up in a few months. I can already tell he’s the type who would gladly in happily troll someone if he was pissed enough. He may not be crazy per se but he seems a little high on himself and controlling based on some of his answers and his bio which states he bends people to his will whether they like it or not. WeaknessSeeker is his username. I mean, come on. What does that alone tell you? Aly describes him as having a type-A personality.

Other than one leg still being sore, my bounding HR annoying me again, and the usual annoyances from landscaping, traffic and planes, not much else is going on at the moment.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 17, 2018
So much for thinking that only the nights bring out the depression in me because I’m pretty down right now. Yesterday I felt good but today I’ve got a lot of fatigue and my legs are sore as hell from the HIIT routine I did. I started to feel traces of anxiety and I even got a little teary-eyed because the upcoming Liothyronine experiment has me stressed out.

I’m just afraid of my worst fears being realized in the end where I’m stuck with this for life and we can never figure out what it is or how to fix it. That’s my worst fear right now. In some ways, this fear is greater than death itself, which has always been one of my greatest fears. I’m worried that because I floated up to where I was just bubbling underneath the surface of anxiety today it could mean I’m in for an anxious day tomorrow. Especially if the problem is the medication itself because now I’m taking it more often even if it’s a lower dose.

Sometimes I wonder if I should take the time to draft an “it’s a bust” message to Dr. O in hopes of jinxing things into working out in the end and not needing it, thus having it end up being a waste of time. But somehow I doubt that that will make a difference. If the problem is the medication itself, it’s not going away any time soon. If something up there is cursing me, it may never go away.

If this shit does go away I would need a good six months, preferably a year, before I could finally let out a long sigh of relief and declare victory over this demon. A few months isn’t enough when life has had a way of yanking the carpet out from under my feet when things run smoothly for a few weeks/months.

My hair and skin are dry, appetite is down, but that’s the least of my concerns right now. Keeping a daily log on Google Docs for my doc.

Last night’s dreams were long and disturbing. Well, one of them was.

In one dream I had lunch with Kathleen and the dentist was with us. Probably just a spam dream.

In another dream, I pulled out a clump of hair. Could be a sign that the Liothyronine is going to cause hair loss like the Levothyroxine initially did.

The kind of long, detailed dream like the last one I had is the kind that makes me wonder if it could have been a glimpse into another dimension. It was actually a series of continuing dreams. The first one started with us back in Arizona and living in a rural area. The house didn’t look anything like the house we had in Maricopa, though.

We were hanging outside when a woman drove up in a silver medium-size car and informed me that I was on unsupervised probation for the same shit I was supposedly vindicated for nearly 19 years ago. So we talked to this middle-aged lady with blonde shoulder-length hair. I guess I emailed something to the black bitch or was thinking about something I had emailed her a while back. I’m not sure which. But I guess I did something because, on another day in another dream, the same woman returned, also while we were outside. She informed me that they “found a partial email” I sent and therefore I would have to report.

I remained silent until she was getting back inside her car, turned to Tom and said, “There’s no fucking way they could have found anything.”

But I knew deep down I was guilty of something and wondered if I should keep that to myself or not. I also wondered what I should do if the police drove up if I failed to report, which I assumed would eventually happen, or if I should just go to the damn PO that I assumed would still be Scott.

Initially, I decided to remain stubborn, determined not to let history repeat itself. I was not going to be told what to do, where to do it, and when to do it.

Then one evening, just as the sun had almost completely set, I was home alone, nervous and paranoid as hell. I realized that it would be very hard to hide with all the windows we had and since we had no garage, we couldn’t hide Tom’s car when he was home. There was no way we could constantly hide in the dark at night without making a sound either.

Things aren’t what they were nearly 20 years ago, I thought to myself. You’re going to have to abandon your online life completely if you want to go underground.

Then I heard a vehicle approaching and saw headlights shining, though I couldn’t see who it was.

At this point, I woke up, fell back asleep and the dream continued yet again where Tom and I were out somewhere and I was expressing my concerns. He didn’t seem worried, though.

Next thing I know we’re at the probation office. I guess we decided to just deal with it after all. I sat in a waiting area and observed some woman and a guy behind the counter. I thought wow, if that’s Scott, he lost some weight and grew a little hair on his head. We figured the reason he always wore a cap in real life was that he was going bald.

Then we were finally led into a room and I realized the guy wasn’t Scott because he was too tall and his voice was different.

We all took seats, them on what looked like a twin bed, me on a chair, and briefly joked about something. Suddenly, I had a rat on my lap but no one seemed to notice or mind. I hoped it wouldn’t get too fidgety or take a dump during the meeting.

Then the guy went on to read some journal excerpts I’d written about my supposed polycythemia vera that I sent the black bitch and thought to myself, so the first email address I guessed from memory really did go through and really was the correct one.

I don’t know if I admitted sending the email or denied it because the dream ended at that point and didn’t continue on in another dream.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 16, 2018
It was with mixed emotions that I returned to my endocrinologist yesterday. She looked the best I’ve ever seen her and I like her hair longer (bet she’ll cut it by our next visit) even though she may have put on a few pounds, and while she may be one of the smartest doctors I’ve ever known, I would have preferred never to have to see her again on account of the on-and-off anxiety I’ve suffered for over 4 years now. Just when I think it’s gone for good (along with my period) back it comes with a vengeance!

I ended up leaving her office not so much feeling relieved but definitely feeling both nervous and hopeful. I don’t know how confident she is that the new regimen will help and I didn’t think to ask. All she said was that she hoped it would help since she’s been surprised by others who have responded better to Liothyronine. She said that due to the anxiety I’ve had she had been hesitant to try me on it. She wouldn’t want to try me on Armour because it’s too much, she said. I’ve heard that because it’s pig thyroid it’s not as consistent as the synthetic version.

I am to drop to 50 micrograms for one week and then add 5 micrograms of the Liothyronine which should put me where I was on 75s. Yes, I’m nervous about it, but as I told her, I’ve gotten pretty desperate and I need to try whatever I can possibly try. I guess that if worse comes to worst I’ll have to take just 50 micrograms of Levothyroxine only and leave it at that. I would be so devastated if I started having problems on that but as far as I remember, I didn’t have problems the last time I was on 50s. If I could just go more than 6 months without anxiety, then I could begin to think maybe we’ve figured out and solved the problem.

Levo is T4, Lio is T3. Funny that yet again that very unlucky number 4 is connected to the Levo, a drug that’s made me feel so horrible. I’m still nervous as hell, though, cuz they both list similar side effects. It’s scary because the anxiety and racing/booming heart it can cause is so awful and terrifying. It’s not like I might get a headache or gassy or something like that.

Oh, fuck! I just read that a single dose of Lio can reach its max effect in just 24 hours since it’s so powerful and can even cause cardiac arrest. Great. Just great.

Okay, so Tom and I did more research. It should only be risky if you’re in a coma or something and receiving it intravenously. It also seems to be a short-acting drug which is a bit comforting to know so it wouldn’t take weeks or even months to recover like when she tried me on 88s.

He suspects Doc O thinks the low thyroid is causing my anxiety and that Levo isn’t treating it properly. Not sure if I agree, though. I mean the 88s definitely caused anxiety and panic attacks. Definitely. But could the “stabbers” be the low thyroid? But then why didn’t I have the same problem before I was diagnosed?

As I also told her, I’m doing better overall than I was in 2014-2015, but why this comes and goes when my numbers have never shown me to be hyper, we have no idea. I didn’t seem to have anything wrong with my pituitary or adrenal glands when she checked them way back when, so I’m still thinking that the main culprit is probably what I’ve always suspected, something about the medication itself. It’s too extreme for perimenopause and I can’t believe I would just up and become this way for no reason and so late in life. So if it’s not the meds, then maybe it is something else related to the thyroid.

Anyway, I went to the lab right after I saw her which was on the main floor of the building. Despite the horrible traffic to and from the place at least it has a lab in the building.

When I first entered the Endocrinology Department, it was actually kind of dead. In the past, it was usually crowded. I was checked in by a beautiful young woman with perfect teeth who was so friendly for such a good-looking woman. Usually, women that pretty are snobs.

I was taken in by a nurse who seemed kind of bored, mechanically going through the motions of her job.

BP and HR were slightly high.

The doctor opened the door slowly when she came in, so she knew Tom was there. Did she spot us from an office on the way in or did the nurse tell her I wasn’t alone?

I told her of the symptoms I’ve been having, including the bounding pulse but she didn’t seem worried. She listened to my heart, felt my thyroid, and checked my hands for tremors. My lungs were tight enough afterward that I needed a hit off my inhaler but that was probably due to stress.

What was strange was the doctor’s overall demeanor. I can’t really put a finger on it and describe exactly how she was acting. It wasn’t anything she said although she did seem to talk less and listen more this time around. I swear in her message to me she said she wanted to see me to go over “all the issues” with Liothyronine. Yet the only thing she really said about the stuff was that it can cause the same problems Levothyroxine can cause when it’s too much.

The way she moved and the expression on her face makes me think of anything from amusement to being uncomfortable with me to having a thing for me. Could it be that she was thinking of Peter and perhaps a bit embarrassed? I don’t know what to think or make of the airs she gave off but if I didn’t know any better I would wonder if she was into me in some way or at least liked what she saw yesterday. I can’t believe the last one is the case, though. The last time I saw her I sensed both discomfort and impatience coming from her. She was very businesslike and didn’t even crack a smile that I recall. Again, it’s very hard to subscribe but she was totally different this time. As good as I am with words, I can’t quite put my finger on this one or find the correct words to describe it. It’s times like that that I wish Aly could’ve been a fly on the wall just long enough to observe the scene and give me her opinion. She’s extremely intuitive and smart. I’d like to think I am as well at times but I’m stumped on this one. It’s not important as long as she helps me. I’m just naturally curious. I also have a gut feeling saying she reads my blog. Maybe not regularly but enough to get a general sense of what’s up with me.

She was complaining about the new computer system they just got. Yeah, change sucks. It’s frustrating as there are always problems and new things to learn. They changed the portal, too. Not sure if it’s better or not.

I’m to return to the lab and see her in a couple of months. In fact, I see her the same day I see Dr. A. It’d be great to get them both over with on the same day.

In case I didn’t already say so, I absolutely love my new White Water Fairy. She really does look like she’s kneeling in water! You can also see the finely detailed painted purple flowers on part of her dress better in person than online. Love her long auburn hair too.

We went to the Goodwill before my appointment yesterday but didn’t find anything interesting there. We also picked up “Butterboy,” as I’m calling our butterfly betta, a pastel-colored castle hideaway but he doesn’t seem interested in it. So $14 wasted unless you want to consider it a cute decoration.

With yet ANOTHER project (by Bob & Virginia) I worry about being woken up too soon this week. As is usually the case, this obviously isn’t just a day or two kinda job. I can hear vehicle doors slamming which sound like doors in apartments, and some pounding. No saying for sure that the sound machines will override it.

Furthermore, on top of the usual landscaping and traffic, that fucking car came and went 2-3 times today. Enough that it may as well just live here. God, I hope that doesn’t become a regular thing again! Love how I haven’t heard that obnoxious mutt, though.

Amazed at how fat my outdoor potted cactus has gotten!

Oh, here are my lab results. Results are as shitty as expected. T3 & T4 are normal and I’m just on the edge of menopausal. However, my TSH is 27! I showed her all the skips I charted on Google Docs on my phone so she wasn’t surprised.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 14, 2018
We got a beautiful blue male butterfly betta at Petco yesterday. He seems much healthier and much more alert and curious than Flaky did. He’s a very nimble swimmer and this time around we went with no gravel at all and wish we’d done that from the get-go. They definitely seem to like this better because the bottom is smooth for them to rest on and there’s no worrying about their delicate fins being dragged along the rough gravel or torn. He does have his leaf hammock and a few artificial plants, though. We may eventually add a hideaway as long as he lives. After losing the other one in just a week, we want to make sure this one fares well. As it was, one of the many betta fish at the store was dead.

Flaky was beautiful but this one’s even more beautiful and twice as expensive. Like with Flaky he has a dark blue-black head with a royal blue body and the tips of his fins, unlike Flaky’s, are white. No hints of green or red hues like Flaky had, though. He’s more of a vivid electric blue. Within a day he was swimming up for the flakes of food I would drop in for him. He’s not nearly as shy as Flaky started off to be. He’s got his bubble game on, so I’d say he’s definitely happy.

Backing up to last Thursday and Friday. I felt absolutely horrible those days. I was wound up, my heart raced, I felt weak and lightheaded, and I would get winded rather easily despite being in decent shape. I still sometimes get that strange humming sensation in my head too.

I went out walking both days to make sure I got some sun exposure but still felt awful.

Took my nail polish off and let my nails clear up and they have cleared up nicely. They just have the ridges they’ve always had. Putting on the last of my designer falsies tomorrow but then no more. They’re just too much of a pain in the ass as cool as they look. So, dark metallic green with silver accents then it’s back to regular polish.

I’ve been taking my medication every other day and definitely stressed out about tomorrow’s appointment with Dr. O. I worry that there are no options for me but that’s what I thought with my LS even though, strangely enough, I’ve been waking up itchy the last few days. I hope using the Tacrolimus once a day is enough! Even more so, I hope I do go into remission.

Friday I was horribly tired but part of that may have been cuz I was hung-over from taking a Zyrtec the night before.

I’m just tired of feeling like shit half the time or more! I struggle way too much of the time both physically and emotionally and it’s just not right. Never knowing what you’re in for each day is no way to live. As I’ve always said, this is absolutely not normal for me. I’m desperate enough to try any alternative but I’m also scared at the same time as I still do have a medication phobia. Worst case scenario, I stick to what I’m on and just lower my dose. At first I was thinking that I couldn’t turn these 75s into 50s since the pill cutter cuts pills in half, but then I realized that after I cut them in half I could take a cut half and cut that in half as well, and then dump the other half of that half, duh. That will amount to about 56 micrograms.

I forgot to mention that Amy said they never got the info regarding the biopsy I had done with Sutter after signing a form for a release of info. My first thought was, now why oh why does that not surprise me in the least? Figured Alyssa would give me a hard time with that. I let her have it on Facebook for it too, not that I expect she’ll ever see the message. If she does, she certainly isn’t going to say anything about it or react in any way.

Anyway, I’m nervous about my appointment tomorrow. I know what a talker she is and I’m worried she’s not going to let me get much of a word in edgewise even though I have several things to share with her and ask her. I’m even more worried that there are no alternatives for me and that I’m going to continue to suffer most of the time indefinitely if not for the rest of my life. I’m feeling hopeless enough to seriously start thinking about ending it all at the end of the year or thereabouts. I’ve had enough! Tom feels confident that suffering forever won’t be the case and says it’s only logical that I would eventually get better but after 4+ years it’s hard for me to be as optimistic. This is the last thing I can think of to try to help myself. So if no other drug helps and cutting back doesn’t help, then what’s left for me?

I’m also getting tired of how everything I eat is a problem for me. If it isn’t something that’s got too much cholesterol, sugar or sodium, then it makes me have a gassy or upset stomach in some kind of way. I’ve been trying to have more fiber to keep regular. Oh, I’m regular all right. Too regular. So just what can I eat that isn’t going to be a problem in some way?

Maybe I ought to try partial fasting since it’s not as bad for you as a lot of people think. I’ll verify it with the doctor tomorrow but it’s actually good for you. Sort of like a detox for the body. It should only be bad for your metabolism if you do it too long. Furthermore, Tom told me he just read about a study they did on type 2 diabetes. In the experiment, they had some people fast every other day and some fast for 3 days a week. They no longer needed medication afterward!

Tom decided that rather than pay $600 to get a hearing aid that only they can control and that he can’t set up and adjust on his own, he’s going to get these things called Hearphones for $500 on Amazon that he can tweak himself at any time. In fact, they’re coming today. They’re crossovers that will hopefully help with distortion. He says they may even help me in noisy situations. If I’m in a noisy store or restaurant, it can be hard to hear him. I hear him, I just don’t always understand what he’s saying but he does talk softly.

Yesterday morning we went to Sam’s Club before we got the betta and for $20 I decided to get this kids’ chemistry kit where you make your own perfume, lip gloss and bath bombs. Making the perfume was simple enough but the shitty instructions caused me to screw up the lip gloss. Not only that but the roller ball in the bottles doesn’t work well. I hate that when roller balls get stuck!

Haven’t attempted the bath bombs yet.

We updated my computer from Sierra to Mojave and so far it seems to help with the mouse jumping. When hooked up to my large monitor, it was causing a herky-jerky motion of the mouse. It could still start up at some point but so far so good.

“You’ve already shared that dog pic,” someone said on my LR Ask account.

Andy? Hmm… Aly says it’s not her and if she’s telling the truth could it be that German-speaking nurse in Serbia? But Tatiana usually asks me questions in German, if she does, and that doesn’t seem like something she would say. But Andy definitely would.

The thing is that I already shared the dog pic on my DI account. Not LR. So it’s someone who’s aware of both accounts. To my knowledge, this could only be Andy, Aly or Tatiana. I just didn’t think Andy would remember my LR account or even his login to his own original Ask account. He either logged into his first account where he would probably still be following LR and noticed I was using it again, or he remembers that account. He may also have been following it from his second Ask account, though, now that I think of it.

Last night I had this dream some tough guy and his girlfriend and I were talking and I was telling him he was going to hit the wrong woman someday. Someone like me.

“I fight back,” I said.

Then a little while later I was walking through some neighborhood with very short streets. The same guy rounded a corner and startled me and after I said I almost kicked the crap out of him for it until I realized who it was, I asked what he was doing.

“Turning the water off,” he said.

“Why?” I asked.

“So they’ll refuse to fix it.”

I knew this meant that someone was going to be working on the pipes in the area the following day and he didn’t want them doing that for some reason.

Then I was walking down a flight of stairs outdoors at night with two women that I was either working for or living with. They said something about getting railings put up since it could be dangerous going up and down the stairs in the dark.

Then I was talking to a guy about taking a bus somewhere because Tom would be unable to drive me somewhere I needed to be the next day and transferring buses along the way.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 11, 2018
Really like the last perfume sample I got by Jean Paul Gaultier. It’s the best one yet.

I did some research and it seems like what I have may be called a bounding pulse. There can be many reasons for it but it definitely seems like my main problem is sodium. The more I have, the more my blood pressure spikes and the more I feel and notice the pulse in the side of my neck. I don’t know why my body is reacting this way lately to sodium but I guess it’s just age.

My appointment yesterday went well. Amy can see the improvement and there’s a chance it may be curable after all. I don’t want to get my hopes up but there was a study done where a handful of people used Tacrolimus for 10 months and went into remission. The thing is that Amy doesn’t know when the study was done and how long the participants remained in remission. She said if I don’t hear from her in 2 weeks to call her for more info. She’s going to check into it for me.

For now, she recommends moisturizing cream as opposed to lotion. I didn’t know there was a difference between the two but I guess lotion has more alcohol in it and can be more drying. She gave me a goodie bag with all kinds of samples. I have like 4-5 different products and a total of 20 samples to try.

She checked the red spot on my shoulder and didn’t think it looked suspicious. I told her about the one my PCP froze with liquid nitrogen. She said if it becomes a problem she can freeze it off but doesn’t think it’s any big deal. She looked at the sprinkling of “zits” on my upper arm which is very hard to see but I can feel. It’s that actinic keratosis. This is similar to what I had on my back but I don’t think they’ll become the same problem that will need a blast of liquid nitrogen. She wasn’t worried about it. The itchy red bumps I get under my arms, however, are also LS, as LS prefers areas that get moist. She said I can use the Tacrolimus there when I get irritation.

I also asked her about the scars on my forearm from my stupid days and she said that if they were raised and reddish they could probably do something about them but since they’re flat and white, probably not. She said there’s a place that does laser procedures but it costs thousands and isn’t guaranteed. So I’ll pass!

I go back for a follow-up in June.

I continue to worry about Tom and the kidney pain he’s been having and the way he’s neglecting to get a PCP. Somehow it’s all my fault, too. At least that’s the way he makes me feel, saying all my appointments and research I asked him to do wears him out even though he says he wants me to take care of all my appointments. That’s exactly what I’ve been trying to do. Take care of things so I can cut back the appointments. I don’t have to see Amy or my ENT until June and my next dental check-up isn’t until March. Meanwhile, I don’t expect the eye exam to spawn any additional appointments but I can’t say for sure about Dr. O. Believe me, I’m a lot sicker of all these problems and appointments than he is!

He says it’s important that he works to support us and I understand that he needs to work since I can’t supplement our income but as I reminded him, he can’t work if he’s in the hospital or dead because he let things get out of hand. So I told him that if I stop asking about how he feels, it isn’t that I stopped caring or worrying but because it seems to bother him when I do ask. I will start doing my own research, which I usually do anyway and had only asked him in case he came up with additional info, but it’s not my fault if something’s wrong with him and I don’t think he should use my appointments or anything else as an excuse to neglect his health.

Most of the soreness in my boobs is gone but I’m still spotting. :( Still getting that strange “humming” or vibrating sensation in my head at times, too.

Looking forward to this cute white pond fairy with really long auburn hair on Saturday. We also got things in preparation for whatever new fish we end up getting this weekend which could be a betta, tetras or both. There is actually a type of tetra that can live with bettas just fine. I really like the GloFish. Our 3-gallon tank would be a little small for the bigger ones but Danios would be fine if we found some we liked.

The Brita water filter pitcher arrived and I wish I’d gotten it a long time ago! It makes the tap water almost completely tasteless like our bottled water. I think I’m going to use it in the Keurig and the fish tank along with a special chemical you add to make the water even safer for fish, but I will continue to drink bottled water and use that for the plants and rats as well. After doing some research, I found that filtered water should be fine for fish. Besides, the tank has its own filter as well. He printed out a screen to keep them from getting sucked into the bottom of it and we also ordered a new heater.

I had some weird dreams last night. In one of the dreams, a character from one of my stories was driving us to the center of this town that displayed a large number each year, though I’m not sure what the number represented. I said to “Michelle,” “Look, the number is always the same number of years we’ve been together.”

Then I had a dream that I was browsing through a store and I noticed the same particular fabric with the same colors and design on yet another style of clothing. I had seen it on purses and other apparel and this time it was on a sundress.

Then I was driving somewhere and I was absolutely terrified.

Then Tom and I got into some silly argument over abortion. More like a debate but either way he seemed to be against it even though he is pro-choice like I am. I said something to the effect of us using birth control rather than following instinct.

In the last dream, Scott and Tom were present and we were heading somewhere. Tom walked out the door of some large room and Scott was about to follow when he told me to pull my panties up. I was wearing nothing but a pair of plain white panties as if that was perfectly normal and was struggling to pull them up even though they didn’t seem to want to budge, haha.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 9, 2018
I’ve had a definite rough night and it has nothing to do with anxiety, fatigue, or anything like that. Instead, we lost Flaky.

When I got up I noticed his “tail” caught in the filter. I immediately ran and unplugged the filter and thought he would be okay. However, he struggled to rise from the floor of the tank. All he could do was sort of slither along the bottom. I thought he was a bit injured and perhaps a bit in shock as well but would eventually recover.

With him in the kitchen, I returned to the bedroom where my laptop was and heard this strange knocking sound I’ve never heard before. My immediate thought was that it was some kind of nocturnal animal underneath the house. A skunk, a possum, a raccoon… I didn’t think much of it. A few minutes later I heard it again but still didn’t think much of it. Then I went back into the kitchen to find him gone.

Although I always try to be a realist in that I look for scientific proof and evidence in things and try not to assume anything based on wishful thinking, I thought of the knocking and wondered if it could possibly be his way of saying goodbye. I’m not sure if there’s an afterlife but it was definitely a weird coincidence and I haven’t heard the knocking again since. I would think there’s some kind of logical explanation for it but I’ll just have to wait and see if I hear it again.

Then Tom got up who didn’t get home until after I crashed yesterday. He told me he was sure he didn’t die because he got caught in the filter but because he was having trouble swimming and that’s why he got caught in the filter. He thinks something was wrong with him when he got home. He was acting sick and like he was having trouble swimming.

So with sadness, since Flaky had adjusted well and seemed like a very bright, alert and friendly little guy who would swim right up to me when I would put my fingertips in the water, I flushed him down the toilet and said goodbye.

Then I took a shower and we went for a walk. Now, when I got up I wasn’t having any bleeding and thought my period might have been over as of yesterday even though that’s not what my still sore boobies were telling me. Sure enough, after we went walking, mixing in a bit of running, it ended up causing me to flow like a river. It’s beyond frustrating and disappointing but it is just my shit luck and now I realize that not only does this reset the one-year clock I was within 6 weeks of hitting, but that I’m anything but menopausal. I may not be for several years to come. Although unlikely, it really is possible to get a period every so often throughout most of your 50s. I did read that no one in their 60s has ever had periods so that’s good.

I also realize this still leaves my hormones wide open to affecting my moods. I still believe the medication is the main culprit and I always have but now I realize that some of the anxiety could be attributed to that. I just hope it’s a little longer before my next period, and yes, there will be a next one. I know better now. So I have resigned myself to the fact that I’m going to be in the perimenopause stage for quite some time to come even though I just read that the average woman in the U.S. has her final period at age 52 and I’m still 52.

That isn’t it. Oh no, there’s been quite a bit of action today. I nearly burned the fucking house down. I don’t know why I did something so stupid but I took the filter and heater out of the tank, forgetting to unplug them first, and placed them on a towel because they were wet. Then I dumped the 3-gallon tank and suddenly I could smell burning plastic. That was when I looked and saw smoke coming from the heater which I immediately yanked out of the plug and doused with water in the sink. My lungs are a bit tight now. Glad I have an inhaler but I shouldn’t need it!

I am seriously beginning to wonder if something is trying to stop us from having fish. And then I had this crazy thought about our beloved long gone but never forgotten Tinkerbell, and it’s not the first time I’ve had this thought either. We’ve had such shitty luck with pets overall since coming to this state 11 years ago that a part of me wonders if there is an afterlife and if she is there saying, “Oh no, I was the queen. No pets allowed that are even remotely as good as I was!”

Tinkerboy was a good rat and Sugar was an outstanding one but then he had a stroke. And now this friendly little fish is gone. What, was Tinkerbell up there thinking he was too friendly to be our pet that he must be replaced with a timid fish that always runs and hides whenever we walk in the room? Again, I’ve always tried to be a realist, logical and base things on science and don’t see how an afterlife or reincarnation is very plausible. But every now and then some weird things happen that make me wonder. I mean, I’m proof that people can have dream premonitions yet there’s no explanation for knowing the unknown, is there?

I wonder why my dreams didn’t warn me about Flaky but I certainly don’t see everything coming my way. I did have a dream my parents were alive and we were hanging out with Caroll Spinney. Anyway, in the dream, I asked him to do his Big Bird voice for my parents and he did. Yet my parents didn’t seem the least bit fazed.

I learned something interesting about Ask. I was a naughty girl and anonymously said something I knew would annoy Aly as a prank. Even though it was just one thing, she blocked me. I didn’t think you could block anonymous questions but then why wouldn’t you be able to when you now need to have an account, after all? I don’t know why it let me “heart” some of her answers but she never received any of my questions even though I never got a message saying that I’ve been blocked. So I’m just assuming that’s what happened even though the site is notorious for glitches. This was the Dusty Illusions account that I used mostly with Andy.

I then realized he probably did harass me as well only I never saw the questions cuz I had him blocked. This is only if Aly blocked me. If she did, then you can apparently still ask questions; they just won’t be visible to whom you’re asking.

So I decided to delete the Dusty account and reactivate Lady Rainbow and I also unblocked Andy because I’m curious to see what happens. I don’t think he remembers that account but we’ll see. I won’t ask Aly anything with my name showing so that if he’s watching her, it won’t flag his attention.

Since I couldn’t tell Aly I’m switching accounts because I sent her a nasty question and she blocked me, I told her it was because that account not only is less associated with Andy but is also plugged into an email address that still exists, and this is the truth. Dusty Illusions is connected to my old MyOpera email which is no good since the site went down 8 years ago and it won’t let me change it.

MONDAY, OCTOBER 8, 2018
Here we go again with my “gift” that I don’t exactly feel grateful for or see as a gift. I’m 52 years old, hadn’t had a period in nearly 11 months, and was pretty sure I’d hit menopause. On September 29th, I dreamed I told Stacey that I was so pissed to find I had a period starting after going nearly a year. Although the dream gave me a bad feeling and I knew deep down it meant something, I tried to push it out of my mind. But then a couple of days ago I noticed I started feeling a bit PMSy. Can you guess what happened yesterday? Yeah, you guessed it. Now the dream is an official premonition. rolls eyes This is just one of many negative dream premonitions I’ve had over the years.

I said to Tom, “Why can’t I ever see good stuff coming in my dreams?” I just got an adorable kitty figurine from Amazon that I randomly spotted when browsing the site. Now why couldn’t I have dreamed of spotting a cute little kitty figurine, then spotting one for real as I did? LOL

So I went 6 or 7 months before a period, then 10.5 months, so maybe next time I’ll go 14-15 months.

I don’t think it means anything but I also dreamed that someone asked if I was scared and my dream self automatically knew I had terminal cancer. I just said, “yup” in a matter-of-fact tone of voice.

Not the kind of dream a person like me wants to have (or even non-psychics) but I really don’t think it means anything.

Really getting sick of the “insufficient energy” messages I’ve been getting and how some sites run snail-slow because of it. Or maybe it’s connected to the monitor. I know I’m getting tired of the mouse jumping that I’m contemplating doing away with the monitor altogether as much as it helps me see better.

I showed Aly, who was diagnosed with severe anemia years ago, a picture of my cloudy, whitish unpolished nails and she said that that’s what hers look like. She said symptoms include pain on the left side of the breast, pale skin, feeling cold to the point of having chills, weakness and sudden fatigue. But many things can cause fatigue and I get cold easily.

She said she’s never seen ridges as bad as mine and asked if it could be a health issue but as far as I know it’s just how I am. Maybe I’ll go with unpolished nails to Dr. O and see what she thinks.

Interestingly enough, I read that low iron can cause anxiety. So they’re either not testing my iron like we think they are or it’s recently become a problem if there’s a connection at all. It could just be all the polish and remover but why now? It’s not like I recently started polishing my nails. I always have polish on my nails. Always.

In Bleederville, I’m still between spots and a light flow and my tits are still a bit sore. Wouldn’t be surprised if the dam burst into a full flow in a day or two.

Had some neck knockers in my sleep and I’m definitely feeling fatigued right now but that’s probably the period. Bleeders are iron suckers. Some things make sense now…the intense hunger I had for a few days, my weight up a few pounds, getting stuck when I was 155. That usually doesn’t happen until I hit down at 152-153. I’m 155 right now and I haven’t gone. I don’t want to either after yesterday’s butt explosion. Yeah, I may have hemorrhoids if it isn’t my LS that caused the bleeding when I took a dump yesterday. My shit has been hard lately which can cause hemorrhoids. I think it was more likely that than the LS.

Just went, actually, but my ass remained gratefully intact.

The buzzing sensation in my head gets annoying but my BP hasn’t been high lately and I’ve been monitoring it closely.

My schedule better not back up anymore because now I’m on for 5 AM Dr. O day. I don’t want to deal with her after being up 12 or more hours. If it keeps slowing down as it has been I just might make Dr. A after all.

My shower is no longer usable as water leaks out from under the door so much that I may as well shower with it open. I think the plastic guard underneath came loose but I can still freshen up in there cuz water doesn’t hit the door when I do that like it does when I shower. No problem. I can just use Tom’s shower. One of the things I like about my 2-in-1 Pantene is that while it makes my hair a little less manageable, it stays cleaner longer so I don’t always have to wash it every day.

Later…

We installed the prism window cling in the laundry room and it looks great. Maybe in a few years, for variety, I’ll get this blue floral design that will make it look like a stained glass window.

The Hawaiian course is “hatching” but still in beta and not all the lessons or sounds are there. I guess I should wait a while.

I sent one final message assuring Nissan that I would never contact her again after this unless I was contacted but that I think it’s pretty sad that some people harbor so much hate, resentment and animosity in their hearts over such petty nonsense from decades ago. I was young, for God’s sake, and I think it’s safe to say she was guilty of similar things. I mean come on, does she really think I don’t think she was behind some of those prank phone calls any more than I think Maliheh wasn’t behind the ones I got in South Deerfield?

I noticed she went and hid her friend list as small as it was and next, she’ll probably block me but I don’t care. No account is sacred to me. Especially if we haven’t paid them anything.

I know everyone is different and we all have a right to be how we are but it just seems like such an extreme reaction to what happened. Yet people can be so hateful and unforgiving for the dumbest of things. Again, where’s all this forgiveness the world preaches? No one seems to actually act on it but hey, sometimes I wish I was just as unforgiving.

Went to Walgreens yesterday morning and I got a pair of small “diamond” barrettes. They’re too small to hold all my hair but if I want to put the sides back they’re good for that.

I also got blue nail polish by Vinylux which is an expensive but great brand of high-quality polish. It lasts longer than most polishes though you still need two coats. At first, I didn’t like it because it’s such a dark shade of blue that’s almost navy and even looks black in dim lighting but it’s kind of growing on me.

Flaky really seems to be avoiding his brightly colored gravel so after finding things online suggesting they really do get stressed by bright colors, I removed the neon gravel. This kicked up a lot of debris and I really think I should change all of his water every week instead of just half of it.

Skipped my meds today and the day before yesterday. I’m a little fatigued and lightheaded but feeling better than I felt earlier. I just want to get all my fucking appointments over with!

It almost depresses me to think how long Tom has before he retires. I always loved spending most of my time alone but now I definitely don’t care for it. Hell, I’d love to go back to the days when I didn’t feel the way I feel so much of the time now, wishing he wasn’t around so damn often like when he was unemployed, never having appointments or needing medication.

The shower door in the master bedroom which is a piece of shit is leaking. That’s the one with the door that opens outward. The water guard on the bottom is bent so we’ll have to replace it again. I know this place isn’t as old as some of the places I’ve lived in but damn am I sick of old places! Please tell me our next place will be built in this millennium! Seriously, it’s no real big deal because I can still freshen up there and take showers in the bigger shower which I prefer anyway.

I wonder if they ever had the Oktoberfest concert they were supposed to have yesterday? I hope they got it out of their system while I slept because I hate it when I have to listen to the bass-thumping when I’m awake and be forced to drown it out with the sound machine or something. I absolutely hate it when others force their activities on me!

Not sure if I mentioned the adorable rat pillowcase I ordered from China with a picture of a rat on it eating a candy bar. I have one of those gel cushions on my desk chair and I think I’ll use it there.

Tom uploaded OSX’s latest operating system, Mojave, and he’ll use it for a week to test it out. If there are no problems we’ll load it onto my computer.

I had a dream I was jogging through the park at night. I was just coming around by the RVs and heading to Oak Lake. As I went to turn onto OL, I looked out the front gate at some strange bluish light just beyond.

Then all of a sudden I had this shopping cart at my side. I don’t know what was in it but this strange woman who morphed into Kathleen was curious about its contents and started sifting through the items. I asked what she was looking for and she said, “I should get some serious favors for all these questions.”

“Just tell me what you want done and I’ll do it,” I told her.

Then I was in the hall of an apartment building and could hear her arguing with some guy. One of the apartment’s doors was open and I knew it was Kathleen’s place. I stepped into the apartment and didn’t see anyone. Then I stepped back out into the hall where a black woman was passing through with an amused expression on her face which I knew was on account of the bickering. I stopped her and said, “I’m deaf in one ear and can’t tell the direction of sound. Can you tell me where those voices are coming from?”

She pointed upward and then walked on.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 7, 2018
Flaky, as I’ve been calling the betta because of the way he prefers flakes to pellets, now has some artificial plants and a leaf hammock in his tank. So far he seems unimpressed with all of it. He probably just needs time to get used to it. It seemed to take him a while to get used to his brightly colored gravel. I guess bright colors can stress some fish out. I probably should have gotten neutral-colored gravel since that is what they’re used to in the wild, after all.

He warmed up to me rather quickly. He doesn’t seem to mind it at all when I stick my hand in the tank. He was actually more afraid of the damn plants than of me, LOL.

I also got my new kitty figurine and I totally love it! Very cute, realistic, and life-size. They’re typically intended for gardens but I don’t want to throw something so beautiful outdoors to be spoiled by the elements. It’s just too adorable to eventually end up dirty and faded by the sunlight. The next one I want to get is a playful Jack Russell Terrier.

I also got the final round of bamboos to complete the organizer. I got 10 stalks and I’m not sure what they are. The rings are further apart than on the lotuses but they’re closer than on the regular bamboos. The leaves sort of resemble that of the lotus but are placed a little further down the stems.

Last week was the first week I was on nights and didn’t get woken up while sleeping during the daytime. Slept with a bamboo on the headboard shelf and I wonder if it helped safeguard my sleep. Really wish they could safeguard me from anxiety! Was borderline yesterday and so far I’m okay today. I skipped yesterday but not today.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 6, 2018
We got the betta set up in the new tank and he’s definitely happier there. He’s been making bubble nests in the top corner of the tank. According to what I looked up, it has to do with breeding. Well, he isn’t getting a girlfriend!

The artificial plants going in the betta’s tank will be here tomorrow. For now, he has colorful gravel with a mix of pink, blue and green.

The filter is gentle enough so that the farthest corner of his tank is almost still and the heater keeps him at about 78 degrees.

I continue to have random BP spikes and I sometimes get this strange vibration in my head. This “humming” sensation of sorts. Worst of all, I was surprisingly anxious yesterday and well past the amount of time it usually lasts after taking my meds. Totally dismayed too, of course, and feeling hopeless where that’s concerned. Unless my endo can work some kind of miracle, I may literally be forced off the medication my body otherwise needs. Again I find myself wondering if there’s something up there and if it deliberately gave me a disease in which it knew damn well I couldn’t handle the medication to treat it with. It’s a scary thought to think something up there could do that to me but I still say it’s unlikely there’s anything up there at all. I really hope not! Either way, I really thought it would be a while before the next bout of anxiety. Really, I’m just SICK of this fucking game! Sick of trying to figure it out year after year and getting nowhere. Do I literally have to die to stop it?

Anyway, I’ve skipped today but also surprisingly, I’m still slightly wound up. Went out for a half-hour walk and now I’m doing the laundry as Tom sleeps.

Aly sure is becoming angrier these days, mostly due to political shit going on and corrupt politicians. I understand her anger but nothing is going to change the twisted world we live in and make it fair. I realize it’s pointless to get angry over things that can’t be changed. I don’t like them but I accept them.

I slept better last time around and I think this is the first week I ever slept during the daytime without traffic waking me up. Really wish I discovered these sleeping earbuds half a decade ago! They may not have existed then, though. Watch, now traffic will get even louder. Seriously, I still wake up enough on my own but as I said, I slept better. Didn’t even have to take anything. I was so tired. I fell asleep a little earlier and slept longer.

When I got up to pee, though, in the middle of my sleep, I swear my boobs felt sore as if they were watery like they would get before periods and I automatically remembered the dream where I was telling Stacey I got a period after nearly a year.

I had a dream that Liz was working in some kind of cafe that was possibly in an apartment building Tom and I was living in. One time I went there for coffee and asked if I could keep the mug for a while until I finished my coffee. Liz nodded and I left. A few hours later I headed down a long corridor and could see Liz sitting behind the counter at the end of it. She had her hair curly. I reached into our apartment that was off the corridor and grabbed the mug as well as a necklace I might have wanted to give her.

In another dream, Tom seemed kind of down in this place we were living in that was laid out differently than where we live here. I asked if he was okay and he said something about a money problem and held up a small piece of paper. For some reason, we were without a physical address for a few months which he referred to as a “drop-off.”

“Whenever there’s a drop-off,” he said, “there are always problems.”

In the next dream or possible dimension, I was living in yet another place that also didn’t look anything like any place I ever lived in before and was very small. I had the back door off the kitchen open when a teenage boy with dark hair and eyes suddenly appeared at the screen door. He asked if I could write and said something about winning money for it or being paid or something like that.

I told him I was a writer and let him in. He had a much younger sibling with him and I didn’t want the nosy brat messing with my devices which its brother didn’t seem to care to watch. So I picked up my phone and a tablet and placed them out of reach. Then I was in the living room talking to the guy when I realized there was no writing job or contest and that he was definitely up to no good. My dream mind reeled with the best way to get out of the situation and I told him I had something interesting to show him in the backyard. Not sure how that dream ended.

The only other dream I remember was looking up my lab results online.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 3, 2018
Jean Paul Gaultier is going to be the next perfume sample I receive. I’ve heard of him before but I don’t know that I’ve ever had his perfume.

Had some real rain for the first time in months. There was even some thunder. At one point it was so loud I would have had trouble hearing my show if I were watching TV. I know whose TV I won’t be hearing much of tonight! Probably won’t be much flying either. That’s okay. I would much rather the sound of the rain.

A few nights ago I heard about a dozen gunshots. They came from the East. Pretty sure that’s what it was anyway. The last two shots sounded farther and farther away as if the person shooting was running or in a moving vehicle.

I dreamed about some sort of family reunion where we got together with members of his family. Mary and his mother were there only he didn’t seem too happy about it while I was for some reason.

Nissan’s lack of a reply - and I know she’s been around because she changed her profile picture on one of her accounts - is a classic reminder of the hatred and grudges so many people harbor within their hearts decades after the fact and over silly things, too.

I realize that even though I didn’t do a damn thing wrong to my cousins, say I had sent them a message saying I was sorry and wished them well and hoped to hear from them and all that; I never would have. In reality, I can just imagine all the lies they’ve been told that they believe and I have no doubt that others probably pulled various pranks on them that they automatically assumed I was behind.

Either way, the point is that I don’t understand all this preaching of forgiveness when very few people are willing to actually do it. It amazes and saddens me just how many people will remain angry for little to no reason decade after decade. But I would also be lying if I said I didn’t wish I was more like most people in that respect because then I wouldn’t bother to reach out to people who are just going to ignore me in the end. Or turn on me at some point. I wish I could’ve had it in me to not give Kathleen my number but I didn’t want to seem rude and I knew she wouldn’t call anyway.

A few days ago I started having more burning and itching similar to the kind I would have when not treating myself with anything. Not a severe burning sensation that almost makes you feel like you’ve been cut like the steroids gave me, but just general inflammation and itchiness. So I skipped a dose and the irritation backed off.

I’m both eager and nervous about my upcoming appointment with Dr. O. When I’m feeling my worst I’m willing to try anything new to stop that feeling from returning. But once it comes down to actually trying something, if I do, I’m going to be terrified, of course. Well, I can at least get more info and then decide what to do from there. Worst case scenario, I will have to skip the stuff I’m on periodically as the anxiety kicks up. It’s really too bad I can’t stand it when it does because I may be able to get some weight off if I could.

For now, I’m hoping I don’t get depressed now that I’m pretty much on nights. We’ll see if the full spectrum light helps, though I’m not flaring right now and my TSH should be too high for me to have anxiety from the medication for another month or so.

Was watching this Barbie hack on YouTube and it showed a woman dipping the hair of an old Barbie with knotted hair into fabric softener to make it easy to brush. So I went and tried that on one of my BFF dolls and it improved it a little but definitely didn’t make it easy. Her hair is pretty gnarled and tattered. I just threw it in a ponytail because it looks shabby and I’m not going to keep this doll forever anyway. Her joints are way too loose. Hey, she’s a Goodwill doll. That’s where she came from and that’s where she’ll eventually return to.

MONDAY, OCTOBER 1, 2018
The “bad guy” who dares to support his disabled wife in the oh-so-independent US that the government doesn’t give a shit about and who isn’t really “disabled” if others don’t get it or can’t see it, like with someone in a wheelchair, let his forgetful wife forget to do his ear. LOL, he’s been throwing peroxide and alcohol in it to break down the wax in preparation for his appointment tomorrow with the hearing aid people.

I don’t like the fact that I’ve been having more itching and burning lately even though it’s not like the kind of burning the steroids gave me, and Tom says it looks like it’s healing nicely down there when he checked the other day. It’s a good thing I have the Tucks and the Aquaphor and that Amy is only a week away.

Although it was a bit warm, I went out walking earlier for about 25 minutes. Did some strength training exercises on the Bowflex too, and worked my core and arms.

We ordered our new betta a square fish tank with a filter that’s 10 x 10 x 10. We’re adding a heater to it as well as some artificial plants and colorful gravel. He doesn’t seem to like his pellets as much so we’re getting flakes instead. He also seems to be a really shy guy, too. I wonder if he’ll always be this way. His alertness is cute in the way he follows my movements with his eyes as I move about the place.

I’m also getting a bottle opener to make it easier to open tough caps, an adorable 2019 rat calendar and another kitty figurine. This one is a single standing orange tabby looking upward.

During the last order we made we forgot to get the decorative window cling I picked out for the laundry room window. We grabbed it this time around, though.

Norma posted how upset she was about 1600 immigrants being denied help in Texas and how no one will help the children and Tammy was like, how are we supposed to handle an amazing number of illegal immigrants? Yes, she feels bad for the kids and it’s not their fault but their parents’ who should have come here legally.

Tom and I both agree that children should not be abused in the way they’ve been pulled out of houses and thrown into tents in the desert. However, something’s got to be done. I understand people not wanting to spend so much money on a wall and I understand that it isn’t going to keep everybody out but if it will slow the flow of moochers then it may be worth the money. I would still love it if we could take a giant knife, cut Mexico away from the US, pick it up and plop it down on the other side of the world. The middle of the Arctic would be nice. There’s just too damn many of them and they’re burdening the shit out of our resources.

Tom’s co-worker, the Indian woman named Pawandeep, recently vacationed in London. She brought back a bunch of keychains with the word London on it and Tom brought one home, not that we’ll ever use it. It was still a very nice thought. It’s hanging on one of the kitchen cabinet knobs right now.

Wondering if I’m starting to get another precancerous lesion on my shoulder where the arm and shoulder meet. Thanks, Mom, for making me sit on the beach all damn day every summer until you decided you no longer wanted to be a mother to me, even if I know you didn’t know this would happen and would’ve taken measures to prevent it if you could have.

It’s too small to say for sure what it is, but it’s definitely suspicious and similar to the other one I had on my back. It is kind of reddish and has a similar feel to the other one, almost like a bubble. When you press on it, it sort of seems like it’s filled with air. It could still be a wart or a mole. We’ll see where it ends up as time goes on.

Speaking of cancer, when I was looking at my conditions on the new medical portal, I was surprised to see polycythemia vera listed as one of them. That’s a blood cancer. I don’t see how having a couple of very slightly elevated red blood cell count readings constitutes having that condition, but even if I did, it’s so slow-growing that it would take 25 years to kill me, anyway. After having a couple of high readings, I did have a couple of normal readings, and I would be willing to bet that my next round of lab work will be normal as well. I’m sure the white cell count will be slightly elevated, though, as always.

I had a dream that I was seeing my GYN and she had a friend with her in the room. At one point the GYN asked her, “Want to get together tonight?”

“Nah,” the girl said, and then I left, realizing I didn’t have another appointment scheduled with her and wondered if that was a good thing or not.