July 2018 in 2010s

TUESDAY, JULY 31, 2018
My misting fan came yesterday and it was cool to watch AMZL’s progress on the map they provide. I checked it out when they were in the park and 8 stops away.

The raspberry-colored fan is great. I just gotta be careful not to touch the plastic fan blades.

Had one of those nights where I was up forever, didn’t sleep long, and slept shitty when I did. I think I was even woken up one time when I was lying on my bad ear. You really have to be laying on the ear the earbud is in to get a good seal. But I can’t fit one in the bad ear. :(

As I’ve asked a million times in life, why do I always have to get the project/company junkies for neighbors? I looked out the window at around 8:30 and saw seven or eight vehicles visiting the Twenties. I was surprised because it’s a weeknight but then should I really be? Fortunately, they left quietly since I wasn’t in the mood to listen to door slamming when the planes were bad enough.

Anyway, I’m tired of being tired and I don’t know why I haven’t gotten used to it yet. Aly says it’ll take a while but I’ll probably get used to it like she did after going through a vicious cycle of being sleep-deprived and having no choice but to get used to it. Well, my body sure is slow to catch on. I definitely need to learn to get used to it so I can live my life! I hate this not being able to do things on days that I’m really tired. So much for thinking the earbuds and vitamin D would help. And as for bananas being great for energy? Yeah, right! The longer this goes on, the more likely it’s just who I’ve become as with the weight. Only extra weight is a hell of a lot easier to get used to!

Last night I dreamed that I was either staying with or living with Aly. I don’t know where our guys were but she and I were sharing a bed. She would tell people how great I was at keeping the house clean, and one night, she took me to a dance contest and was really eager for me to give it a try. However, I didn’t feel the least bit confident because it had been so long since I was into any kind of dancing. But then I did a few seconds of dance moves in the corner of the room that I don’t even know and thought, wow, not bad. Not that bad at all. Maybe I really can win this thing.

Then my mother appeared and said something negative as was customary for her.

In the second dream, it was nighttime and I was riding on this large lawn mower that Tom had programmed down a steep sprawling country hill. I looked to my right and saw a dinosaur skeleton that had been erected for decoration, plus a cow grazing nearby.

I knew there was a road to my left and I hoped no one would come by and interfere with the mower that was taking me down the hill. I kept my eyes in front of me so I wouldn’t fall off the thing which was kind of narrow, hoping I wouldn’t see the glow of headlights signaling someone was behind me. I didn’t, and I continued to ride the lawn mower which was some kind of robot like our Roomba, as it was going to mow certain sections of grass. It was programmed to go out at night when there would be less traffic since it might have had to cross a road. I don’t know why I was on it. I guess I just wanted to go for a ride while it was at it and it seemed like a beautiful night, wherever I was.

MONDAY, JULY 30, 2018
Thought I would do some writing while I’m waiting for my misting fan to be delivered. That should definitely help keep me cooler on the treadmill. I swear if there’s any time I do wish it was winter it’s when I’m working out or sleeping.

Ordered a tea sampler of different kinds of black tees on Amazon, the adorable rat tote with a picture of a young Berkshire rat on it, plus my Amberen. Fatigue has definitely been picking up so that’s why I’m getting the Amberen. It’s a miracle that I got in an hour on the treadmill with how tired I’ve been so far today. I had a second cup of coffee and that seemed to perk me up a bit but it’s short-lived.

The first perfume atomizer from the perfume subscription I joined should arrive at the end of the week.

Now to catch up on dreams. I had some dream about dust blowing in through the wall outlets. At first, I was confused as hell and had no idea where it was coming from. But then I looked out the window and saw that the park had cut down tons of trees and the dust was coming from that.

Then I had some dream of discovering on the phone that Tammy had left a message a while back. So I decided to check other devices to see if there were messages I’d missed from others.

In another dream, it was nighttime and Becky was walking by a room I sat in with the door open carrying a glass of ice water. I said something like, “You’re having ice water?”

She heard me but she looked annoyed and refused to answer me. Instead, she went into the room next door.

I got up and knocked on the door, worried that she might have gotten the wrong idea and feeling the need to explain myself. I pushed the door open and the room was dark yet I knew she and Sarah were in there. First I called to Sarah and then I called to Becky who said, “Yeah?”

I told her that when I asked if she was having water I didn’t mean to sound judgmental but that something or another was a sign of hypothyroidism so be sure to get help if she felt cold or tired.

Then I started dragging an artificial tree out of the room. It was heavy and I kind of hoped they’d volunteer to help but they didn’t.

Speaking of her my sister and nieces, who the hell are they to question what I post? Really, just who the fuck do they think they are? I have just as much right to post what I want just like they have a right to post what they want. I feel like others expect me to censor what I post to their taste and approval but they can share whatever they want without taking anyone into consideration. Well, fuck that! If they’re not going to be considerate enough to use the custom audience feature, why should I? Why should I care about anyone’s feelings if they’re not going to care about mine? From now on I’m not blocking anything unless it’s something that I post for a specific individual and not because I worry about their poor little fragile feelings.

SUNDAY, JULY 29, 2018
Got up feeling tired at 11 AM after taking Zyrtec the night before. Went back to sleep for nearly two more hours and then got up, still tired. Could be the steroid treatment but I’m almost done with the twice-daily treatments, then I’ll do them before bed. I think I’m just destined to struggle with fatigue a lot of the time no matter what, though.

Shortly after that, we went to Dairy Queen and I got a small M&M blizzard after losing more weight since I began walking like crazy 11 days ago. I hit down at 152.8 but still expect a reset. This will be the second day that fatigue will force me to take the day off. :( The blizzard was boring. I should have gotten the caramel one.

A typical modern-day couple was in there letting their brat scream, shout and climb all over the tables and grab everything it could get its hands on like the condiment holder.

We came back, ate the blizzards while we watched TV, then we went to change the rats’ cage. That’s when we noticed Burkey had gone. He was livid so he either died last night or he had just died. He could have slipped into an irreversible coma as when we tried to rouse him he was unresponsive. He almost certainly just died or died around midnight last night in which case rigor would have let go by then.

I looked at the cage when I got up to see if anyone was at the door begging for bread but there wasn’t so I just went about doing whatever I was doing.

There are four bushes in back of the house and we buried him between one of them. The other two will go between the other bushes. Poor Tom, though. He got stung by yellow jackets when he hit a nest but then got his revenge on the flying bastards by spraying them.

Hard to tell if the other two are sad or if they’re just inactive because they are old, after all, and I don’t expect them to live much longer. I just can’t believe they’re all from the same litter. Especially Dumbo. Can a Siamese rat come from the same litter a Berkshire rat came from? I have my doubts. Knowing how crazy the people were that we got them from, I can’t even trust that they were all born on May 13, 2016, as she said. All three litters born on the same day? She would have to have an awful lot of rats for those odds to occur. But we know they’re plenty old enough just by the amount of time we’ve had them and by how old they look and act.

I’m still horribly tired and I don’t know if part of it could be the Zyrtec, the steroid treatment, or stressing over my schedule, but I got on Tom about not installing the program on my computer sooner.

“We’ve got the program,” I said, “so why am I scheduling things blindly that are hit or miss?”

I’m almost certainly going to have to reschedule Dr. O. And when I do I should have the program right in front of me and he should make it available on his phone to schedule in-office appointments. Meaning, when we’re checking out of a doctor’s visit and the receptionist is about to schedule the next appointment, he should have the program readily available to pull up so we don’t have to play hit or miss.

FRIDAY, JULY 27, 2018
The fucking water is to be off on the 31st from 9 a.m. to 1 p.m. which is just fucking ridiculous even though I’ll be asleep through most of it.

Even though I don’t expect it to do me any good, I sent a message complaining about all the nighttime flying to the email address I was given by the McClellan Airport on Facebook.

Kind of tired today and hoping it’s not the steroid treatment. Otherwise, I’m doing laundry and soon I’ll do the grocery list.

Lost 4 lbs so far. So one more pound and then my dumbass body will go into reset mode.

Last night I had a dream that I was in this really strange jail, though I don’t know why. I sat alone at a picnic-like table in a small gym. At the end of the table, a radio sat playing a different version of a song I knew well, whatever that was. I turned the volume down at one point so I could hear the officer talking who would eventually come and speak with me about why I was there.

Behind the gym was a small field in which those who had been arrested were packed in, sitting on the ground in rows. There were about a couple hundred people. I knew that inside the jail there was a section for those who’d been sentenced. An older couple that may have been lawyers that encouraged someone to get into illegal gambling was arrested. The couple seemed very calm and the guy shrugged nonchalantly and said, “Happens sometimes,” as if to say it was no big deal.

As he was being led through the gym and to the backyard, I said, “All you have to do is say you didn’t know. Then again, isn’t it best to just say nothing at all?”

So I sat in the gym overnight and then once the sun came up, I was just outside the back of the gym where the yard was now empty. I was talking to some woman and getting a sense of my surroundings.

The woman said, “That’s the back,” pointing to the field, “and that’s the front.” A road ran by the front and the area in general looked kind of rural-ish.

THURSDAY, JULY 26, 2018
Water. That’s another pattern I see. 5 years of water issues in Maricopa, 5 years of water issues in Auburn, and 5 years of water issues here spells a curse to me. I’m seriously beginning to wonder if water is going to be an issue for us for the rest of our lives.

The night before last, I noticed the water was off at 10:30. Given how late it was I worried at first that the problem was us. By the time I crashed at 1:00, the water was still off.

In the morning, Tom not only called into work since he still has days off but also went out walking at around 7:30 and spotted one of the maintenance guys. He said the guy said it actually started leaking at 5:30 but because someone’s house began to flood, he couldn’t leave it on all night and had to turn it off at 9:30. He said it would be back on by 2:00 but it was around 9:00 when it was back on.

Really, I’m sick of this shit! It may be a picnic compared to the extreme health issues I was going through but it still gets old. So much for thinking I would be safe waiting to shower at night.

We picked up my steroid cream and grabbed a few fruits and veggies at Walmart. This time I’ll remember to apply the aqua barrier paste right after applying the steroid.

I ended up getting really gassy and slightly nauseous and was surprised that I didn’t end up having the runs. I just had to go a lot. I wonder if it might have been the cauliflower I ate. The spinach-artichoke dip? I doubt it. My guess is on the cauliflower.

I finished my project for camp and today I’ll begin editing. Don’t know yet if I’m going to submit it to my Amazon publishers or not.

Tom got his surprise electronics box yesterday which he gets every few months. Deciding I wouldn’t mind being surprised myself, I’m thinking I might sign up for one of those $10 perfume subscriptions and let them surprise me with a 30-day atomizer each month. I couldn’t find a perfume and nail polish combo and I don’t want to do a makeup one because I think they would send me too many things I didn’t need or want. I don’t need more than one tube of mascara but I can never get enough perfume!

Last night I dreamed about someone who named their daughters Hope, Paige, and Faith and thought how boring and ugly those names were.

Then I dreamed I was telling Tom that we should swap couches periodically in my second childhood home which we were living in. Apparently, there were four or five couches, some of them being fairly new, down in the basement.

In the next dream, it was nighttime when I saw Tom pull in. A bus was close behind. I knew I had to be on that bus but that it would be there for a few minutes, so I ran to the bathroom. It had to do with Valleyhead though I don’t know how. Before this, I was on the phone with Tom, concerned that he may have to be away for a few days for something beyond his control. I asked how many days he thought he would be gone and he said he didn’t know.

In the last dream, I was in a room watching something on a large screen TV at the crack of dawn. I paused whatever I was watching and went into a bathroom in which a chilly breeze was blowing through the window and closed it.

TUESDAY, JULY 24, 2018
“Want some cantaloupe?” I asked Tom.

“We’re already married so we cantaloupe,” he said.

LMAO!

Going to stay up as late as I can to help steer my schedule toward my appointment with Dr. O. It shouldn’t jeopardize Thanksgiving week when Aly should be here.

Went to my GYN thinking I would be sorry I wasted my time but I actually learned something quite valuable that I wish I’d known a long time ago. That’s that using the Cottonelle wet wipes is actually making me worse. She said even the ones for sensitive skin aren’t good. Aly said they irritated her as well. The doctor recommended I get Tucks instead.

She could see quite a bit of irritation down there and could barely get the speculum in because it was painful. It hurt when she took the swab she took to make sure I didn’t have any infections, which we don’t think I do.

I told her about visiting Folsom Dermatology and asked her about Gold Bonds and hydrocortisone. She looked up the active ingredient in Gold Bonds and said it shouldn’t harm anything but I mostly use that for when I get heat rashes in the groin area as opposed to the LP on my pussy.

It took her a while to find the information because Mercy’s system thought she was frolicking around so they make it hard to browse for information at times.

Hydrocortisone is in the same family as Clobetasol and Mometasone. She thinks my best bet is to go back on Mometasone and use it until it starts burning again. I have to remember to use a teeny bit otherwise it gets in my bloodstream and makes me tired.

We stopped at Walmart afterward but they were out of stock of Mometasone. That was fine, though, because he’s going to stop after work tomorrow anyway to pick some things up so he’ll get it then.

When we got home, Dr. G’s nurse left a message while he was enjoying the cooked hot dog and macaroni and cheese he got and I was partially enjoying my overcooked breaded shrimp and tilapia. I called back and she told me the same exact shit the doctor told me barely an hour ago. rolls eyes

The bad thing is that my right hip started killing me yesterday. I don’t know if I’m going to be able to continue working out this hard. I’ve taken today off and have had to take Ibuprofen and ice it. I’m not going to lose weight anyway. Yes, I dropped from 157.2 to 153.8 but now my body is going into reset mode. I’m not stuck (as in constipated) but my body is holding onto its weight for dear life by not burning what I’ve eaten today and jumping higher than it usually does during the day. I can tell I’m going to be up 2 pounds tomorrow. I don’t know why my body does this or why it feels it needs to keep the extra weight but it will simply not give it up no matter what I do. Once I get down to 152-153 it refuses to drop any more weight. I’m guessing the Hashimoto’s is making it think it needs it or something because I never had this problem before my thyroid crapped out.

Other than burning, itching, and a bum hip, I’ve been feeling wonderfully calm. I know the meds are going to catch up to me sooner or later, though.

I got the toe rings and they’re just slightly big. These are the ones with colored flowers and colored butterflies. They make for a good backup if anything happens to the toe rings I’m wearing right now.

We went to the pool at 4:00 and it was absolutely gorgeous. There were a few people there that were nice. The water was beautiful and it was fun.

I put a tea sampler in the cart for our next Amazon order, plus I’m also going to try white chocolate mocha tea which ought to be interesting.

I also found an adorable tote bag with a picture of a Berkshire rat on both sides. They have all kinds of animals and quite a variety of each one, too. I wish I could have found a review on the ones I checked out to see if anyone says the picture isn’t as clear as it appears to be online.

I have half a dozen or so more bronze figurines waiting for our big December order. I’ve got a few embracing couples and some ballerinas.

Saw Ray and his mutt as we were on our way out. As usual, he turned away and started talking to someone next to him when he recognized the car. At least that’s what appeared to be the case. His fucking house is still for sale. How much longer is this bastard going to be here? I can’t send the Facebook message I want to send him until we’re out of here. I mean I could but I would prefer to remain on good terms with the Twenties who are good friends with the asshole who I know damn good and well won’t hesitate to tell them about it. If the mouth is still alive when we move, it will get a piece of my mind then. Until then I’d like it gone.

MONDAY, JULY 23, 2018
We did an Amazon order yesterday, most of which arrived the same day. When Tom decided all my walking was inspiring him, he decided to get some pedals for $60 that he could use at his desk. He really wanted one for a couple of hundred dollars that had a seat but it wasn’t available. If he’s not happy with this one he’ll get it when it’s back in stock.

I ordered another K-Cup sampler box and went right for that wonderful wild raspberry when I got up today.

I also got a 12-pack of my Strawberry Fields Tic Tacs, a personal misting fan that hasn’t arrived yet, and a bullet vibe which is great for sore feet.

My right hip started acting up like it does when I do a lot of exercising but fortunately, it’s not that bad. I’m trying to make a point of doing stretching exercises more often.

Believe it or not, the loud car didn’t visit at all on Saturday but it came around yesterday. It came around once on Thursday and twice on Friday. So too much for comfort. It may as well live here, but if it did, it would be coming and going no less than three times a day so I’m glad it doesn’t. With the economy doing well and the cock being young, I find it hard to believe it’s about being broke. I think it’s more about being lazy or helping its parents with some project or through some illness. People just don’t visit their parents this often for this long. I don’t know, maybe they really did get kicked out and this is a punishment of sorts. But if they got kicked out how would they know their car had anything to do with it as opposed to their age? While it’s true that I would never have said anything if their car wasn’t almost worse than a motorcycle, they shouldn’t know that. With them on the other side of the circle, if they weren’t so loud, I would never have known they were living here. I probably wouldn’t have noticed their age from a distance. The only ones I noticed were the little girls.

It occurred to me the other day that I haven’t heard that obnoxious mutt I always wanted to go out and kick when I’d hear it. Maybe someone else took the honors.

What is it with all Bob’s blowing lately, though? It isn’t that time of year when the leaves are coming down like crazy so is he just that bored or something?

My schedule jumped fast these last few days as it usually does when I sleep at night because I sleep better regardless. I don’t think I’m ever going to sleep quite as well during the daytime no matter how quiet it is or what I have to block sound.

I dreamed we bought a beautiful modern three-bedroom, two-story house with a killer view. It definitely wasn’t that isolated and it was definitely somewhere in the desert. The houses weren’t set nearly as close as they are here but they weren’t hundreds of feet away either, at least not in all directions. But out of one window, I could see a vast valley of ocotillo plants and desert sage and things like that.

I can’t remember the layout of the first floor but I clearly saw the upper floor as having the master bedroom with a bathroom off of it on one side of the hallway while the other bedrooms and a bathroom that was between them were on the other side.

SUNDAY, JULY 22, 2018
My new workout bras arrived and they’re much more colorful in person than they appear to be online. They fit great too.

I also got the opal and diamond ring which is absolutely gorgeous, and a silver toe ring with sun designs that fits great.

Went to Walmart yesterday morning and loaded up on mostly fruits and veggies. Instead of two meals a day, I want to have just one and have fruits and veggies throughout the rest of the day.

Instead of going to the pool today, we’re going to go during the week when there’s less likely to be brats staying after hours. They shouldn’t be allowed in the pool at all. It’s a fucking adult community for God’s sake, and with them, there’s more of a chance of piss being in the pool.

I had a dream I was chatting with Kathleen and she was curious about my past. I said that although a lot of it wasn’t great, I wasn’t ashamed of it and wasn’t going to kid anyone about it or play it down to sound better either.

“You really want to know? The answers are right here,” I said handing her a printout of my bio.

She took it and said she would read it over the weekend.

FRIDAY, JULY 20, 2018
Yesterday I did 15 minutes of bike riding, about 10 minutes on the Bowflex, and nearly 2 hours of walking yet I amazingly don’t have a single sore muscle in my body. I thought I would wake up with sore hips or at least blistered feet but I’m good to go. The online jigsaw puzzles make it so much easier. I take breaks in between but it’s the only thing I can stand to do while spending lots of time on the treadmill because it’s so fun and addicting. I can’t do writing, editing, reading, or listen to music or watch TV for that long. I get bored in no time because the treadmill itself is kind of boring. Outdoor walking never bores me but with triple-digit temps, I’m not going to be out there walking for 2 hours given the fact that I didn’t become functional until sunup.

The puzzles take me anywhere from 10 minutes to a half-hour to do depending on how intricate they are and their colors and designs. They range between 100-150 pieces.

I still don’t think my new diet and increasing my exercise are going to make me lose more than a few pounds but I’m going to do it for a while anyway. My body simply doesn’t burn calories normally. It should at least make me healthier, stronger, give me more stamina, and make it harder for me to gain more.

Not really much else I can say. I’m enjoying the summer, doing some laundry now, and getting ready to make up the grocery list before I work on my Camp Nano story. I should win this one easily because I set the word count low and it is a very short story.

No change in Tom’s job. He’s still doing the same thing. Because it’s summer and baseball season is in (we’ve never been fans of the sport), and Crackerjacks and peanuts are popular things to get at baseball games, they gave everyone some Crackerjacks and peanuts. He hates nuts and isn’t into Crackerjacks, so the rats and I ate it. ;-)

Last night I dreamed I was on the phone scheduling what might have been a doctor’s appointment and was telling the woman I talked to that I was in law enforcement and had a seminar at the time she wanted to schedule me, so she bumped me up earlier in the day.

Then I was in what might have been a self-driving car on the phone with Tom. I told him I was already on “Damngoode Street,” so I was almost home. LOL

Then I was visiting or living in an RV where that loud car tried to get by the RV and couldn’t quite fit, so the RV had to pull away. I was hoping the damn thing would get tired of trying to squeeze by and start going around the block.

The most interesting dream was in Florida. It seems like we had just moved there. I wonder if it could mean anything although I wouldn’t think so this far in advance because I still think we’ll probably be here a half a decade or so. Anyway, in the dream, I was at some restaurant with Tom and we were sitting next to each other in a booth. Not sure who was across from us but they asked if we thought we’d ever live in the West again and I said no.

Then I was chatting with half a dozen young women when I got up to say I was going to go for a swim. Nearby was an indoor pool. Tom and my father sat in lounge chairs by it. I started to sign to my dad, “You can’t escape,” and was about to tell him that I used my Spanish on him yesterday so I would sign to him today. But then he said something insulting, though I’m not sure what it was. I walked away, a bit hurt that Tom didn’t defend me but knowing that’s just how he was.

I stepped toward the pool and realized that while I had a bikini top on, I didn’t have the bottoms underneath the pants or skirt I wore. So I returned to hang out with the girls. One of them asked if I was okay, sensing that I was now in a foul mood, but I smiled and said I was fine.

Speaking of my parents, it still makes me sick to this day not only what my mother did but also the way my dad let her do it. There she was doing her best to convince everyone I was a real headcase, but looking back on it, I can see the very angry and disturbed individual that she was and just how much she was the one in need of help. Ah, but she was “too good” for that. She was “better” than that and help was beyond anything she would dare lower herself into getting.

THURSDAY, JULY 19, 2018
It’s not even noon and already that car has been around twice. I just don’t understand the dedication. Who the hell visits their parents that often?!

Ordered a few toe rings, plus a finger ring, as well as a set of 6 XL bras in different colors. These are racer-backs so the straps won’t slip off. I just hope that even XL will be big enough for my ever-expanding body.

I realize that after numerous failed attempts to lose weight, my body isn’t going to just suddenly up and decide to respond to normal dieting and exercise. I’m going to have to come as close to starving myself as I can stand to. Just like the only way for me to quit smoking was to not smoke, the only way for me to lose weight is to not eat. Maybe I’ll make a game of it and imagine in my mind some crazy shit like Nane (she’s strangely been on my mind a lot lately) sneaking into the country, holding me hostage and starving me.

Was able to get an appointment for my GYN next Tuesday. I wish everybody could get me in that fast! Still don’t know that she can help me, but I’ll be seeing her anyway.

For one who isn’t much of a gamer, I’ve been totally addicted to doing jigsaw puzzles first on the phone and now on my laptop. They’re so much fun! There’s the site that has an awesome selection. Digital puzzles have come a long way since I first played them in the 90s.

Although I wrote this entry Wednesday afternoon, I probably won’t edit and post it until tomorrow. Maybe I’ll have some more interesting dreams to add to it then.

And we’re back! It’s Thursday morning and I have nothing really exciting to report as far as dreams go. I was overhearing Andy tell someone on the phone that his chances of finding love were going down due to his age. Then I was in Tammy’s bedroom, which didn’t look like her bedroom, watching TV. Then I was trying to kill some fast-moving bug that looked like a big black worm crawling up the wall but couldn’t remember where I last put the bug spray. Lastly, I was reading about some celebrity couple that had a child through an affair.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 18, 2018
Been doing quite a bit of burning and dreaming. Was burning down there so bad yesterday that I’m just about ready to cave and make an appointment with the GYN. I just hate to make yet another appointment! Even though Tom tells me to do what I have to do, I worry that costing his company more money would put his job at risk. But then there’s no saying how long we’ll have insurance in a country where it can be hard to get. It’s just that I’m afraid my only alternative will be a temporary solution that comes with side effects. Wish I could know if it would get any worse. If I knew it couldn’t I may try to learn to just tough it out and adapt. I still live in the fear of it overtaking my entire body, though. I hate to think that I’m going to have to battle this thing for the rest of my life. I keep thinking there’s got to be something that can help make it better more often like the mouth guard helped my TMJ. I just hope it doesn’t take me 12 years to figure out what it is!

Other than waking up to the non-stop buzzing of planes which gets worse and worse each year, I went for a quick bike ride around the circle.

Checked in with Aly and Kim and now the rats are out and about.

The first dream I remember had to do with discovering that the sex doll’s tits were removable. Not the tits but whatever they were filled with which I guess was gel padding. I had multiple dolls in the dream and Tom was saying that I could remove them all and return them for a refund. I told him that wouldn’t work since I no longer had their receipts. Then I got the bright idea to make pillows and seat cushions out of them.

In the second dream, I was hired to sing in a band but one of the girls involved complained about the way I pronounced some words and I said she could blame it on my accent.

The last dream was about Nane. I love it when I dream of her even though I know I’m never going to hear from her again and I doubt she’ll ever even unblock me. I guess she was some kind of inspector either before or during her time as an accountant.

Anyway, I walked up to her place which was surrounded by a wooden deck and stairs. It was more like stackable cottages than apartments. Her door was open and I walked into her living room and sat on a couch. I saw that her bathroom door was closed and figured she was in there showering.

Not wanting to startle or anger her when she came out, I decided it’d be best to leave. I ran out along the deck which ran past her place and then down a flight of stairs. Not sure what floor she was on but I’m guessing second or third.

TUESDAY, JULY 17, 2018
Tom left for work 20 minutes ago, and after working yesterday he said he really doesn’t have a clue as to what his future may be with this company. I guess only time will tell what’s going to happen.

Running dishes now and threw in a few pairs of old glasses just to see how they come out. Eyeglasses I mean. I don’t use the heat setting so I don’t think they would be damaged.

Still sleeping better and therefore I still have more energy and I’m more active. I went bike riding, hit the treadmill, worked on the Bowflex, and the rest of the day will be dedicated to cleaning and writing. I should be up for another 6 hours or so.

Last night I had a dream I was waiting for this woman to come out of some building and was going to tell her that my mother died while thinking that the air was cool and the sun warm.

Then I dreamed I was outdoors and sitting at a round table with some woman. I seemed to be more interested in her than she was in me. I said something in Spanish and we seemed to be laughing and joking for a minute and I told her what I said. We talked about our lives and I was telling her that I was once an exotic dancer.

Then we were walking somewhere and I took hold of her hand and imagined myself as her girlfriend just for that moment. Then she said she only let me take her hand so she could make sure I crossed the road safely which stung a little though I accepted it for what it was, knowing I couldn’t make her like me as much as I liked her.

Finally, we approached this area where her bike was chained up. I don’t know what the language was but in some other language, the words “Good Blue” were written on her bike. I told her that and then I told her I would be happy to send her a list of “what things meant” if she felt comfortable sharing her email address.

MONDAY, JULY 16, 2018
Tom went back to work a little while ago and time will tell if they’re going to fuck with him or not. It may be weeks or even months before they lay him off if that’s what they have in mind.

Wish I had more to say but that’s really all that’s been going on. I’m just trying to be more active and eat healthier and keep busy. Still running journals through Grammarly and working on my stories.

I’m not liking how that loud car came in at 8:30 this morning and just left two hours later. They don’t seem to have any particular pattern so they’re definitely not working. If they are, then they’re working for their parents to be coming around this often. I can’t believe the parents would be okay with them continuing not to work while mooching off of them every single day. I just would have thought they’d put their foot down a long time ago and told them to get a job and a life. I’d be willing to bet they’re as single and childless as they are jobless too.

Catching up on texts with Aly and exchanged a few Skype messages with Tom. I don’t know how late he’s going to work. I’m just glad I don’t feel the least bit anxious and that I’m totally like my old self… Until the next flare gets me. I know the medication is going to start stabbing me again with anxiety sooner or later. For now, I’m enjoying feeling good while it lasts save for my rash. So, so glad he discovered the sleeping earbuds because they’ve helped tremendously! I feel much more rested and energetic when I’m awake now that I’m sleeping better. I still wake up on my own at times and like I said, I had that foot cramp the other day. But overall I’m doing much better in that department.

My rash is worse and it seems to be brought on by the heat. If I knew this was the worst it could get, I would just try to learn to tough it out. But I’m afraid that I’m not going to be able to keep it contained to where it’s at and that it’s going to take over my entire body. I’m tempted to return to my GYN or dermatologist but the last thing I want to do is add another appointment just for a temporary fix that comes with side effects.

Kim really seems to curse those who come in contact with her. Her great-niece who’s a toddler supposedly fell off her lap and had to go to the ER. It’s hard to believe she fell maybe two feet and needed to go to the ER, but of course, Kim’s never at fault for anything. We don’t know that she pushed the kid or did anything wrong but it does sound fishy.

A friend of hers named Dodie died as well though we’re not sure why. She was 42, challenged like Kim is, and had heart issues, according to Aly. But sure enough, Kim doesn’t seem the least bit upset. It really is like she can’t feel any kind of guilt, remorse, compassion, empathy or pity unless it’s for herself. I totally believe without a doubt that she simply isn’t capable of feeling any of these emotions. Not sure she really does have MPD like I first thought she might, but she definitely isn’t all there. I wonder, though, was she simply born the way she is or did something bad happen in her childhood to cause her to be this way? It must be nice, though, never believing you could do anything wrong, never knowing what it’s like to feel guilt or remorse, and never having to deal with feeling negative emotions for others. I totally believe that trying to teach Kim about compassion and empathy would be like trying to teach it to an inanimate object like a door or a window.

SUNDAY, JULY 15, 2018
At Walmart, I grabbed a pair of black thigh-high stockings for the doll. That way less of her will be so tacky to the touch. I would have to literally drown her in a tub of powder for a month to get her to lose her stickiness.

Since it’s an ideal time of year for it when there’s more variety and I want to see how I do with just fruits and veggies for a day, I loaded up on all kinds of fruits and veggies. I’m glad to know Tom doesn’t mind making a midweek run because your average lifespan on such perishables is only 4 to 5 days.

Ten days after the holiday and I’m still hearing scattered bursts of fireworks. Really wish this was one of the states where fireworks were illegal! But where everything was illegal in Arizona (except for driving your neighbors crazy with your music and mutts), it seems everything is legal in California.

Aly recommended a few crime shows with multiple series and I found one of them on Amazon Prime. After I finish watching Inside the World’s Toughest Prisons, I think I’ll check out The Closer.

You don’t want to go to prison anywhere but you especially don’t want to be in one in Brazil and even more so in Papua New Guinea. What hellish conditions they live in! Many of them are often thrown in a concrete room with no mattresses or anything. They can smoke all they want and too bad if you’re intolerant to secondhand smoke. If a brawl broke out no one would be there to break it up.

On the flip side, they seem to have more freedom in that many can have conjugal visits for a few days at a time in places that look no different than a tiny apartment. They have access to musical instruments and even weapons. They have their own cutlery and then there are some that work chopping wood in Ukraine, for example. They’d never give an American inmate access to an ax!

It still gets a little cold in the bedroom but rather than have him close the vent some more I’m going to bump it up a degree to 76° before bed.

I swear something up there uses me when it can’t use traffic to wake me up. A severe foot cramp woke me up for a minute. A fucking foot cramp! Can you believe it? It may as well have reached down from the sky or wherever and just grabbed my fucking foot. Why not just poke me in the arm next time or slap me in the head? Argh!

Last night I dreamed I was with someone in a room in Donna A’s house only Donna didn’t know it. The room had a collection of dolls and figurines. I decided I would steal any I liked and would do it without guilt since Donna was such a horrible person. But none of the dolls appealed to me. She had a few horse figurines that were so-so. Finally, I found a small figurine of a girl that I liked enough to steal. I slipped the tiny figure in the pocket of my jeans when the person I was with wasn’t looking.

SATURDAY, JULY 14, 2018
Read a very discouraging article on how we can’t literally “burn” fat. We don’t literally gain or lose fat. Fat cells only shrink when we lose weight but never go away. We gain more fat cells with age and those that shrink with weight loss only fight like hell to refill themselves which is why lost weight comes right back if we’re lucky to lose it in the first place. I think the best most of us older folks can do is try to eat sensibly in hopes of slowing the gain process and then hope for a medical breakthrough someday. Really think the only way to get around it, though, is to remove the damn fat cells, but oh well. Sometimes you just gotta accept that some things are the way they are and they can’t always be changed. and when they can be, the effort isn’t always worth the results.

Slept shitty, waking up several times along the way. Sometimes I was hot flashing and other times I was too cold. Can’t do much about the hot flashes though I could at least have Tom close the vent a little bit in the bedroom. So I guess if there is anything up there cursing my sleep, if it can’t use traffic as a weapon against me, it uses me.

I checked my journals to see if I had ever tried Estroven, and as I suspected, I tried it a while back and found that I had a tingling sensation in my mouth and throat. When I called the number on the box, the person I spoke to said that could happen.

I’ve always wanted to stay in an overwater Bungalow, so Tom and I were checking out various vacation packages in places like the Maldives. The problem is that they’re either too far away or the closer places like the Caribbean and Florida that have them are outrageously expensive at 2k a night. Better to go to Hawaii next year if we’re still able to but even if he’s at the same job I don’t know that I’ll be able to handle it with the way I’ve been sleeping so shitty and seem to get more tired with age. This time around I was able to nap for a couple more hours afterward but still, this may simply be the way I’m going to be for the rest of my life just like I’m going to be fat for the rest of my life.

I may not be able to shrink the fat cells but I can at least be a fit fatty so I still keep active whenever possible. It’s definitely important to work my core and do back and ab exercises regularly to avoid backaches. It’s also good to do cardio as often as I can so I’m not out of breath if I suddenly want to do something more strenuous than usual.

All I remember for dreams was something about giving the rats a bar of soap which were smart enough to know what to use it for. I picked them up, saying how smart they were and how good they smelled. LOL

Showered with my Hawaiian Ginger shower gel and then used the Hawaiian Ginger lotion afterward, both of which are quite luxurious. :) Skin smells and feels good!

Tom can’t get in to see the audiologist till the 8th which means that if he doesn’t return to work in a week or so, he may have to apply for unemployment and partial disability. Really hope it doesn’t come to that!

I still can’t shake the feeling that we could be on the road to change if we aren’t on the road to doom. I wasn’t kidding when I said that anything worse than the last crisis would kill me. I cycled through the crises I’ve endured in life and most of them could never reoccur. I’m not going to want to be a singer so bad that the thought of never achieving that damn near kills me. I’ve never going to want a kid again or be sexually active, so there couldn’t be any dysfunctional sex to have to deal with or are infertility issues, menopausal or not. I’m not going to chase or long for women I can’t have. Lastly, I’m too smart for freeloaders to take advantage of me again, so the only things that could repeat themselves would be financial or health crises.

Health is unpredictable as almost anything can sneak up on anyone at any time, but if we were headed for financial ruin, which is always possible, it would take time. Not only is the economy booming now and jobs plentiful, but we do have 14 or 15 grand in savings.

Later…

Tom will be going back to work at 9:00 on Monday morning. We have mixed emotions about this but is it so they can turn around and fire him? Or eventually, lay him off? People are dumb but would they be dumb enough to fire him and give us a case against them? And would whatever that may be up there and that loves to protect our perps have them do such a thing?

I personally think that if they really want to get rid of him they’ll cover their asses by laying him off within a few months. After all, they do lay people off regularly there. That way he could be screwed, once again, with no way for us to fight back. The only good that could come of him leaving this place might be a job that pays more, but I really believe he’s just not meant to be paid fairly. It’s like he really does have a pay curse on him like I have a sleep curse on me.

So anyway, I have mixed emotions about it. It’s easier for me to plan my activities around a more predictable schedule like he has when he works, but I always feel more comfortable with him at home.

I actually slept okay last time around and the garbage and green waste trucks didn’t wake me up along with anything else. However, my music player’s battery died before I got up which was a little surprising since it’s supposed to have a 30-hour battery life. I won’t take it out of the charger until I’m ready to use it next time around and we’ll see how long it lasts.

For dreams last night, I was surveying a room and deciding how I wanted to rearrange it. It might have been some kind of office.

Then I was excited to be getting permanent hair removal from my legs and told the woman who was going to be performing whatever procedure she was to do for this that I wanted to wait until a couple of cuts I had healed.

Then I was filling what looked like a long skinny cardboard box with water for someone.

So nothing important but just senseless, meaningless junk dreams.

FRIDAY, JULY 13, 2018
Began watching Dig Two Graves but haven’t seen enough of it yet to really judge it.

Once again I’m horribly exhausted and that could be a combination of the Melatonin I took before bed as well as being woken up by a nightmare. I’m too tired to do Nano today so I’ll have to double up tomorrow.

The vividness of the nightmare has me once again wondering if I really could be glimpsing into other dimensions in my sleep. Perhaps my psychic nature makes it easier for me to tap into this plane if it does indeed exist. It may also explain why “home” doesn’t always look like home.

In the dream, I had just woken up and stumbled into our living room and over to my laptop. Tom’s was set up in front of mine and I looked over and noticed the back of a head.

“You’re home?” I said with surprise, figuring he’d be at work at that time.

But then I realized something wasn’t right about the head. It wasn’t shaped right and the hair was too thick or something like that. And then a total of three heads popped up and they said, “Yes we’re home.”

I then began this frenzied and hopeless fight against the three intruders. But every time I went to throw a punch at one, another would grab my arm. By some miracle, I managed to talk them out of the place soon enough, then I threw the lock and ran for the phone. I hadn’t even made it to the phone, however, before they managed to pick the lock on the door open in just a second. The dream ended with me contemplating charging the door in hopes of running out screaming for help. What most likely happened, however, if it was truly another me in another dimension, was that I was raped, murdered or both.

So definitely no fun in Dreamland. :(

Then I had a dream about leaving Tammy a voice message on my birthday.

The last dream had to do with me talking to a brunette druggie that I knew would never change her ways, and then I either hoped to date this blonde woman or I had begun to and believed it was over. She was a prosecutor and she kind of looked like Vera Farmiga, the woman who plays Norma Bates. I guess I found a note someone wrote about either exposing us or somehow being against the relationship. Or maybe it said that “Vera” wasn’t sure she was into it or something like that. Whatever it was, I knew the relationship was pretty much over.

I took the letter and presented it to her and then said something like, “Well, I guess this is it so we might as well hug goodbye.”

She hugged me and then said she would see me later which gave me a spark of hope for a second that maybe it wasn’t over after all.

I walked back home and into a bedroom with a twin bed adorned with stuffed animals and thought about how it would have been nice to date a prosecutor. However, I was determined not to get my hopes up.

In reality, the whole household is getting treats from Walmart compliments of some credit we built up. We ordered treats for the rats, a memory card for him, and a Hawaiian Ginger set for me that includes lotion, body wash, and body mist. It has such a fruity and uplifting scent that if I had to wear just one perfume only, that would be it.

Later…

Tom’s MRI is as clear as we expected it to be. The last step is meeting with the audiologist and getting him a hearing aid.

As for whether or not we’ll end up with a case against Mercy or his employers, we don’t yet know. I’m sure that somehow his perps will “happen” to be protected. As he said, though, he’s not going to pay anybody to sue them. If he can’t find anyone to take the case on a contingency basis, he won’t bother. His hearing may very well not have been recoverable no matter what, but I’m sure they’ll get away with any wrongdoing they may have done. Meanwhile, the ENT signed off on the papers he needed and he’ll overnight express them to his boss. It’s still not known at this time when he’ll return to work.

A couple of days ago we finished putting up the mural and it looks great. Soon I’ll take some before and after hallway pictures where it’s at.

I’m excited to learn that Duolingo is going to be having a Hawaiian course available soon. They guesstimate sometime in September. Yes!

Dig Two Graves was just a movie I couldn’t really get into. I’m still looking for a new TV show. I just wish there were more non-reality-based shows in America that had more than just one season with just a few episodes. Long gone are the days when there used to be many seasons with something like 22 episodes per season.

Slept better last time around but not as long. The earbuds look promising so far but the real test will be Friday when the trash and green waste trucks come through, assuming I don’t crash late and they don’t come early.

Unfortunately, the loud car just came in. It will be wonderful if it can no longer wake me up but it’s still annoying to hear when I am awake.

I sent a message saying hello to Christiane and told her that I really miss Nane at times despite our differences. I know, however, that I would never again hear from either one of them if it wasn’t for me messaging Christiane first.

Last night I had what I’d described as spam dreams. I suspect I have spam dreams, life reflection dreams, dream premonitions, and possible glimpses into other dimensions when I dream.

It’s the quick and senseless dreams that I write off as just junk dreams. Like being indoors somewhere and suddenly hearing a kettle whistle on a stove that was outside and about 50 feet away in damp rainy weather. As soon as I heard it I jumped up from the table I sat at talking to Tom and some other people and made a dash for the door. Tom was close behind to help me get the door open in case it got stuck or something and I ran as fast as I could to this kettle I could miraculously hear so many feet away indoors, even though I figured it was unlikely to explode or catch fire due to the rain.

Then I met some friend’s parents for the first time. I was dressed in a nice dress which they complimented. I thought of telling them that my husband was in the car and asking if he could join them, but thought better of it, not wanting to make them uncomfortable with meeting someone they didn’t expect to meet.

Then I was listening to some guy on a radio which I found delightfully amusing and entertaining and told someone that I’d met him and that his family was wonderful.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 11, 2018
Marie’s back and she even texted me. I replied but I don’t know what’s going on with her. I’m sure it’s the usual GF/booze/psych drug/PTSD drama.

We ran out to Walgreens last night and I picked up some vitamin D in the lowest dose I could find. When I researched the causes of fatigue, I came up with a huge number of possibilities ranging from vitamin deficiencies to inflammation. My cause is most likely disturbed sleep as well as a little bit of depression since I feel like I’m kind of stuck in a rut in life even though it’s not a bad rut to be in, but I figured it couldn’t hurt to try it. Today I definitely feel like I have more energy but one day isn’t enough to really say that the vitamin D is helping.

I also looked up the acupuncture points which are in the center of the palm of the hand, and some of the best energy foods are bananas and tuna, so I started my day off with a banana.

The sleeping earbuds are still keeping loud vehicles from waking me up. Tom saw and heard the loud car when he was outside while I was asleep. But I still wake up a lot on my own, if only for a few seconds.

Dammit! As soon as I start writing in Google Docs Aly starts blowing up my phone. I need to remember to mute notifications when I go to write. The only one I can’t get rid of is Kim. She only has access to her Kindle so she can’t use WhatsApp.

Had a series of strange dreams last night. In one of them, we briefly owned a house that seemed to be in a desert-like climate in a town called Norris. It seemed like we were only there a few months when I got in some kind of trouble that somehow caused us to lose the place. I believed we would have lost it eventually anyway because we didn’t have enough money.

I looked up Norris when I got up. No such town. In another dimension?

Then I dreamed about a possible reunion with his family. I’m not sure if we actually saw them or if my dream self was thinking of seeing them.

Then I dreamed I sent Stacey a letter. That would be the Stacey I knew down in Arizona. At first, I was worried I’d get in some kind of trouble for it but then I realized I hadn’t said anything wrong and wasn’t doing anything wrong.

In the last dream, I remember, I was on a boat with glass walls and was mesmerized by the way the waves broke along the base of the walls and wished we could live on a houseboat like that. Knowing we couldn’t, I hoped to at least live close enough to the beach so we could hang out there regularly, if only for a few minutes at a time.

Just heard from Marie. Hers was one of the FB accounts that FB accidentally made public, so she got pissed and temporarily deactivated. As I told her, I rarely use it these days and hate it for a variety of reasons.

She also bitches about her ex in Oregon posting pictures. She can’t block her? I asked. She just did. Oh, so it took her this long to think of that?

MONDAY, JULY 9, 2018
I don’t have much to update on right now. I continue to sleep shitty even though Tom said a couple of loud vehicles passed by that didn’t wake me up. Instead, I seem to wake up on my own. I figure it’s either an age thing that’s never going away or maybe I really am still at least somewhat in perimenopause. After all, I’ve been hot flashing like crazy and I still have some anxiety, though right now I think that’s on the meds until and if time proves otherwise.

Yesterday I began to feel a bit anxious so I’m skipping my meds today. I’m just getting sick of being tired so often and I don’t think it has to do with being low on thyroid. I didn’t have this much fatigue before I was diagnosed. Right now I’m making myself do this entry while on the treadmill.

Tom is taking a nap right now and later we’re going to maybe go out somewhere or just go out bike riding. We still have two more mural panels to put up, too.

I began watching Alias Grace and it’s okay so far though a bit slow at times. I don’t usually like shows set way back in time like this one is, but it’s kind of interesting, especially now that I’m older.

Last night I dreamed that Tom and I were staying in a long hotel room (moving and looking for a new place?). There may have been two others with us, one being a woman who announced that she was pregnant. She wasn’t showing yet but I knew we had to scramble to find a place to rent so we would be out of there when it was born as I knew there was no way I could sleep with a crying newborn.

So I was later asking some guy if he had any rentals available. Tom was with me and so were a couple of others. Suddenly, I realized I was in nothing but my bra and underwear.

SUNDAY, JULY 8, 2018
Two nights ago I had a dream I broke one of the earbuds of my new sleeping earbuds.

Then I was in some kind of shower when I got down on my knees to turn it off. I guess maybe the knobs were down low. The spray of water which shot out horizontally as well as vertically hit my pussy in the perfect spot and brought total pleasure to me. However, I actually had my underwear on and was going to yank the crotch aside so I could feel the water even better when I spotted an Asian woman sitting on a couch nearby in a dark-colored bikini.

Then I was holding a “bait” letter of sorts and I knew that somebody, probably the assholes down in Arizona, were trying to bait me into doing something they could use against me.

I’m not sure if we were living in this particular place in the next dream or just staying there, but I realized that Palma was our neighbor. I saw her come outside of her house one day and I waved and said hello to her when I was hanging out front with Tom. Her voice sounded a bit suspicious and snobby but she said hello and then asked if I would have time to talk. In the dream, she had blue eyes. I played it nice and said sure, anytime. I knew she suspected me of something bad, though, but had no idea what it could be.

In the next dream, it may have been early in the year and I was wishing I could jump ahead to August for some reason.

The last dream I had was connected to Valleyhead somehow. It was like they wanted to do an experiment with those who had been there as kids. Something about my being deaf in one ear was involved or it somehow came up.

In last night’s dream, Polly, a woman in her seventies who lives in New Zealand, was being ripped off by some guy. Somehow she was forced to make regular payments to the guy that she believed was wrong and unfair.

Then I had a dream that we moved to England when he retired for the Universal Health Care. Someone asked me how I like the humidity and I said, “It’s what I grew up with.”

Now for some reflections on reality. While this may be the best my life has been from a security standpoint, I feel like so many of my best years have passed, never to return. I feel like I’m being “stripped,” bit by bit of all that I was. I’ve lost so much. So much that I once was that I can never be again.

I can’t even remember the last time I had a genuine crush on someone, for example. I may notice someone. Someone who stands out. Maybe they’re even noteworthy enough to throw in one of my stories. Yet I haven’t had a crush on someone who remained in the forefront of my mind in quite a while now. It’s like I’ve even gotten too old for that and it’s kind of too bad because crushes are fun. They’re inspiring. They draw great characters and ideas for my stories. Yet I no longer have those to set the stage for them and like I said, crushes were fun. Maybe more like frustrating when I was young and single, but fun as a married person. In a way, it was like adding variety even though I never touched it, never tasted it, and never savored it in any real way.

I miss having good vision, I miss not being so damn fat, I miss some of my old perspectives even if they were a bit off. The way I would feel, the way I would think, the way I perceived things. I had hope for new things and adventures. But now, while I may look forward to hopefully meeting with Aly and maybe even going to Hawaii if he really is working the same job, I have little else to look forward to but trying to keep as comfortable as I can with my current health issues. Instead of hoping and dreaming, however pointless it may have been, today I try not to be so tired. I try not to itch and burn so much, I try not to overeat, and I hope not to be anxious. I struggle to see the print before me even with glasses and I worry more about Tom as he is also aging.

Sometimes I think I need something new in my life. A new hobby, a new goal, a new something. But what??? I try to see the good in what I have today besides a nice home and financial security. I have all kinds of fun gadgets and tools at my disposal for my creative works and other things. But I feel like I have no life at the same time and that I spend more time wishing certain things were like they used to be.

But then there are some things I would never want to return to. I’m stronger now and less emotional. I wouldn’t want to be hurt or angered by things as easily as I would be in the past. Things I’m able to just shrug off these days.

And would I really want my old libido back? I’d be stuck having to take care of myself because my husband has no libido either, his weight and age would make screwing hard, and I couldn’t stand to be screwed with the lichen planus taking over my pussy. The internet would make it easier to hook up with side dishes but I can’t see myself wanting an affair either. But if I was horny and someone attractive was around, who knows how I may react? I love my husband but I’m a human being. Never once did I cheat on him or have any kind of affair. But what if Palma had actually come on to me? Would I have pushed her away or would I have given in to my human side? I guess it’s a good thing I never found out.

For many years I felt this emptiness inside me, a void that needed to be filled. I yearned to fill it but I didn’t know what I was supposed to fill it with or exactly what I was missing or craving. Well, fortunately I haven’t had that feeling of craving the unknown for years now. Instead, I feel like life is over and like the end may be near and it’s not a good feeling at all even though that in itself could be a good thing. Die now and I never have to get any older and acquire any more diseases. But I don’t want to die now either unless I was in an extremely dire situation in which there was no point of return.

I’ve been having a strong feeling that we’re not going to be doing the roof and that we’re not going to be here for 6 more years. That could only be a very good thing or a very bad thing because we learned our lesson years ago about how unsafe and stupid it is to move long distance while he still needs to work. So wouldn’t that mean we somehow got ahold of a lot more money than we expected? Either that or something kills us. I’ve always had a feeling that the terror I went through since living here was in preparation for something and it can only be something really bad. Like worse than what I went through, and that’s the thing… worst would be death.

Sometimes I still think it would be nice to have something new going on in my life in addition to the same old, same old routine. I may love my life and enjoy the things I do, but we all need a break or at least some variety thrown in the mix. The only problem is that the last time I wished for change, the pigs came knocking on my door.

When I think of Bob and Virginia next door I wonder if they feel like they’ve been cycling through the same routine forever now that they’ve been retired for so long and like they’re more or less in a waiting room of sorts. A waiting room in which they’re waiting to be admitted to their final destination… death. Do they ever feel like they’re just biding their time until their number’s up? Do they feel like they’re on death row since they can’t have that many more years left? Do they get up each morning and ask themselves, is this it? Is this the day we’re finally going to die?

Anyway, we ran out to Raley’s earlier, changed the rats’ cage, and went bike riding. I finished watching The Sinner and swapped texts with Aly and Kim. I polished my nails blue with gold shimmer and felt a little anxious earlier. Skipping meds tomorrow and hoping Tom’s right in his theory that my hormones still fluctuate a bit and that this will go away once I’ve gone a full year without a period. I hope he’s right!

FRIDAY, JULY 6, 2018
Where did Marie go this time??? She was going by Shady Jamie and now she’s disappeared. Why she could never have just one account in her real name has always mystified me. Why all the accounts in bogus names? I wonder. Who is she running from? Or who does she think she’s running from? Oh well. I guess all we can do is wait and see if she contacts us from whatever the next bogus account may be.

For 3 days now I’ve been burning really bad down there and I don’t know if it’s because of the steroids I started using again or not. I’m so sick of this on-and-off torture and I just don’t know what to do! Stop treating it? Treat it more? And if so, with what?

What’s weird is that the burning is coming from closer to my pussy opening and not the very top by my clit where I usually burn and itch most. The question is, what might happen if I stop treating it? Would it get any worse? If I knew it wouldn’t get any worse than it is, I wouldn’t bother to put anything more on it other than maybe the diaper rash ointment.

I’m guessing it’s probably burning because of the steroids, even though I only used it 4 or 5 times, but I can’t say anything for sure anymore. The only thing I can say with certainty is that I’m tired of all the fucking health issues! The more I acquire, the more I want to give up on everything but my thyroid since I need medication for that, but now I’m not even sure that scheduling an appointment with Dr. O was a good idea. I’m just afraid that trying something new may have the same or worse effect as when I tried 88 mcg. Maybe it’s best to just make skips when I feel the anxiety kick in and hope that someday I’ll stop feeling that, will be able to take the meds every day, and will be able to have normal numbers. It’s almost like something up there doesn’t want me to have normal numbers. That wouldn’t make losing weight any easier, so why not?

I slept shittily and that was mostly my fault because I didn’t think I would sleep late enough to need the earbuds, so what I think might have been that fucking car woke me up. Again it took 2 days off but it came today. It was just leaving when I got up. It could have been the garbage and recycle trucks waking me up, but anyway, I woke up, thought I was going to get up and yanked the earbud out. But then I drifted back off and was woken up again. Whenever I crash tonight I’ve got to put them in and leave them in until I get up out of bed for good.

I could have sworn food smells woke me up too but Tom wasn’t cooking anything at the time so I don’t know what it was. I just know I’m tired of the constant sleep disturbances and feeling tired even when I sleep better. I’m always, always tired these days and it sucks. I seldom have the energy to work out or do much of anything physical. I’m tired and I’m burning. :(

Tom tried to make an appointment with Dr. A but was told that she and everyone else in the building weren’t accepting new patients. We were kind of surprised since there are always parking spots available at the place.

Yesterday and today we were too tired to install the fifth out of six mural panels but there is no hurry for that.

I may skip Nano today. I can always double up tomorrow.

I’m loving my new rainbow duster and I wish I’d thought to use it a long time ago because it really does make dusting go faster. In fact, I can easily do it every week instead of every other week. Still have to use the Swiffer wand to get in high places and to do the bathroom counters and floors because I don’t want to get hairs in the rainbow duster.

I feel bad for Aly now because Jase had an allergic reaction to his new medication and he’s in ICU. He’s got stomach and glucose issues even though he’s a vegan in good shape.

THURSDAY, JULY 5, 2018
Tom’s MRI is now complete and it went as expected. We still don’t expect them to find anything wrong. He just wants to get the whole thing over with. He wants to either find out what it is, or not find out what it is, but get a hearing aid to help with the distortion. He should find out the MRI results on the 11th, though, when he sees our ENT, if not sooner.

Tomorrow he’ll call and see if he can get in to see my PCP sometime soon enough. I sort of wish he had stopped by to see if he could get in like he said he thought of doing because he was in the same building, just on the other side. She’s a little bit of a drive but the parking lot is easy to get in and out of and there are always plenty of spaces. The place that’s closer which is where the lab is can be a nightmare for parking.

Nothing’s going to be the nightmare that seeing Dr. O will be. 3:15 really means about 4:00 for her, traffic will be a nightmare, and we’ll have to pay for valet parking.

I’ve had more burning and itching in the crotch and the pits so I took a Zyrtec earlier and it knocked me out for a nap. Dr. O is far enough away that I don’t have to worry about my schedule right now, though. I’m still a bit groggy even though I made a second cup of coffee when I got up.

I don’t think it’s because I stopped the ACV shots a few days ago that’s got it worse but we’ll see. It didn’t seem to be affecting my weight after all and it’s probably not going to do anything for my cholesterol, but if I don’t resume the shots sooner, I’ll definitely start back up a month or so before my December labs.

There were tons of fireworks last night so hopefully, they got that out of their system until New Year’s. I didn’t mind because it was the scheduled holiday, but when they do it for a whole week in advance it gets to me. The regular pop-pop-pop gets annoying. Sort of like hunting season in Maricopa did.

Began watching The Sinner on Netflix and amazingly, it’s in the US so they have American accents and there doesn’t seem to be any race or religion in the plot. Maybe a little God/religion but none of the race shit I’ve been sick of hearing about for ages now. It’s always great when I can catch a break from race or politics because so much of the same thing really gets old fast no matter what it is.

Anyway, It’s just a mystery about a seemingly normal wife and mother who ups and stabs a man to death in a fit of rage on a public beach.

My new magnetic rainbow duster came today and it definitely makes dusting go faster even if it can’t quite get where the Swiffer wand can get. I have to use that for the high places.

I’ve also got a new toe ring on the way because while my other one was pretty and fit well, it was too “scratchy.” The part where the magenta crystal gems are scratch my big toe.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 4, 2018
Watched the parade with Bob, Virginia and some of their family after going for a quick bike ride. Tom doesn’t feel comfortable hanging with people until he gets a hearing aid to curb the distortion. The parade was as expected except for the golf cart with the bubble machine. That was way cool. The vehicles consisted mostly of golf carts with a few cars and a couple of motorcycles, the latter of which I never appreciate, LOL.

Last night I dreamed I was planting mannequin legs in the front yard of a childhood friend’s house. That would be Jenny C. Afterward, I thought of how Tom tried to talk me out of doing this and I promised him I wouldn’t. At first I thought, oh well, he’ll never know. But then I said, nope. A promise is a promise. So then I ran and pulled the legs out and was heading down a street, realizing it was very warm out.

Then I decided to write Jenny a friendly letter and enclose some photos of myself. Only the photos didn’t look anything like me. They looked younger, slimmer, better-looking, and just totally someone else overall, yet it was supposedly me.

Being that it’s the 4th and the parade is over, I’m hoping there won’t be any projects or landscaping today. Yesterday Miss Footless had a window replaced or something like that. You can’t even go a week here without projects. I’ve asked myself a million times why it is that never before have I lived anywhere where there were so many home projects and the only answer that comes to mind is that the people here have the money to afford them. Other neighborhoods I’ve lived in before this were either low to middle-class. This is middle to upper-class.

After taking a couple of days off, the loud car returned yesterday. I knew they would make up for lost time too, and visit more than once. They visited twice. They definitely don’t seem to have anything going for them. No job, friends or family to keep them busy. Still not sure why they would want to see their parents every single day, though, as the people that live there don’t seem ill or anything like that. Regardless, they’ll be around in the early afternoon and then again in the early evening.

TUESDAY, JULY 3, 2018
Nothing from Tammy since my message to her on Facebook which makes me think she’s now ghosting me along with the girls or is ill again. Still not sure I really want to hear from her again either way.

I accidentally gave a thumbs down to a message on Facebook and then Kim from Massachusetts did the same thing. So I can see where Palma may have accidentally downvoted it and was actually replying with a completely innocent and kind message. The only thing that didn’t make sense was the attempted call. I don’t think the call icon is easy to accidentally hit.

We went to the pool yesterday at 3:00. There were no kids but the pool was too cold while the jacuzzi was too warm.

I found some great treasures at the Goodwill yesterday too, including a couple of mugs and a few pairs of shoes. The mugs are yellow with pink tulips and one of the shoes has a colorful metallic print. Those are flats. Also, flats with memory foam insoles and a pair with colorful stripes, most of which are pink. Lastly, I got pink strappy sandals with a 3” cork wedge heel that fit perfectly and are very easy to walk in. It all cost just $25.

We’ve been doing things around the house at our leisure. Tom cleaned the windshield of the car and is working on installing the large screen and projector in the living room. We decided to put up a panel a day of the forest mural in the hallway so we don’t have to feel rushed or overworked. Sometimes it’s nice to do things slowly and take our time. So we’ve got the second out of six panels up. I’m laying in bed right now as I do this entry on Google Docs and it looks so cool with the winter forest in here and then seeing the summer forest out in the hall. When you step out there you really feel like you’re winding between the trees.

Yesterday I had a distinct feeling that hit me about how long we’ll be here. My logic always said we’d be here till he was around 66, 67 at the latest. But I had an instant sense of knowing yesterday that we wouldn’t be here that long, although I don’t know how long, which is either a very good or a very bad thing. We’re either going to have more money than expected sooner than expected, or something bad is going to happen.

Really, really hope Aly’s dream doesn’t mean anything because she’s like me where the dreams she has don’t usually literally come true, but if she has a dream where something bad happens to someone she’s close to, something bad usually comes their way. She said she dreamed that we met and it was more like a final goodbye because while she didn’t know where Tom was, I was very depressed. I had tons of printouts of poisons that would kill but not in a painful way and was preparing some kind of poison to drink.

Well, hopefully that in conjunction with the vibe I had doesn’t mean something’s going to kill me a lot sooner than anticipated, but if it does, it does, as we can’t always control how long we live. I just try to remind myself that we all have to go someday and there’s just as much good to dying now as there would be in 20 years or even 50 years. Not that I should live 50 more years when I’m already 52, but just to use that as an example, it seems there are always things not worth living for as much as there are things to look forward to living for is what I’m saying. I still think I’ve got about 30 years to go.

The only dream I remember having last night was living in my childhood home. It was nighttime and I’m not sure if I let Burke out or if he escaped. I think he got out the front door by accident. I tried to call him back but he wouldn’t come to me. The only thing that was wrong was that I could hear the whooshing sound of traffic when in fact it was dead quiet on that street because it wasn’t near any major roads like a highway or anything. There was also a little shed or storeroom on the front corner of the property that didn’t exist and I could see the house next door where my grandparents lived. In reality, the hedges dividing the properties wouldn’t enable me to see their entire house from the front door. I would only be able to see part of their garage.

Anyway, I hoped Burke would stay put for the night and that I would find him in the morning.

Then a female cop was suddenly in the house and went down into the cellar after I had told her I hadn’t yet been down there since moving in. She came back up with a dead rat shortly after and I knew it couldn’t be mine because it had been dead too long.

It seems like some woman was also in the dream that was living there with me and had been woken out of the sound sleep.

FedEx came today with some papers Tom had to sign for. Something about his boss wanting him to sign papers saying that he was given certain forms or something like that.

The only thing that has me a little worried, even though our finances and health seem stable from what we can tell, is this is about the time when the next crisis would begin to unfold. If I’m right about something up there being determined to cycle me through one crisis after another, well, given the pattern of intervals that I’ve been able to look back on and see over the decades, now would be the time to get the next one started, whatever it is. Right this instant I don’t have any feelings that anything bad is right around the corner. I hope not!

There does seem to be just as much of a pay curse on him as there does a sleep curse on me, so with his shit luck, since we just can’t believe he’s got any issues that the MRI will turn up to land him on disability, they’ll take him back and he’ll continue to be cheated by about $6 an hour since the average person in this country makes $25 an hour instead of $19. It actually could be worse, however, if he had to take an American job at minimum wage and was unable to get second or third shift. We’ll eventually find out because just because they take him back doesn’t mean they won’t turn around and fire him. This company definitely doesn’t want anyone with health issues. Totally wrong, unfair and unrealistic, but that’s just how they are.

The freeway is further away than I thought. Just over 1000 feet, according to a tool Tom used on Google Maps. I would have guessed closer to 500. So Aly, who’s 300 feet away from the freeway where she lives, must really hear it well.

MONDAY, JULY 2, 2018
Got a new pair of fancy socks (partially sheer with a solid black sole and elastic around the ankle with flowers running up the sides) and a rainbow magnetic duster on the way! Hoping the magnet duster makes dusting go faster.

I slept well last night and the rest of Tom’s blood work results are in. Everything looks good. Just a little high in blood sugar and liver function because of the steroids he was on.

Put up the first of six forest mural panels yesterday, and he did some coding while I worked on my Nano project. Heading to Goodwill soon, then swimming later.

SUNDAY, JULY 1, 2018
I knew my luck would run out as far as sleeping better goes. Nothing woke me up, I just woke up in the middle of my sleep and had to take melatonin to get back to sleep which took over an hour. So I’m a little tired today due to the broken-up sleep but not too bad as long as it doesn’t keep happening.

Other than changing the rats’ cage and the walk he took down to the clubhouse to pay the space rent, we don’t have much on today’s agenda. I’ll be starting Camp Nano and we might start putting up the forest mural in the hall. If we don’t get it all up today, that’s okay. It’s not something that has to be done all at once.

I was disgusted to learn of the stabbing in Idaho of all places but not surprised that immigrants were involved. Where there are immigrants, there are usually problems. Most people may not want to see that, but turning a blind eye doesn’t change this fact either. Instead of appreciating the freebies they’re getting here and taking advantage of the opportunities presented to them, they react like crazy, ungrateful little bastards.