June 2018 in 2010s

SATURDAY, JUNE 30, 2018
A couple of days ago I got a gif on Facebook from Tammy saying, “Honesty, saves people time.”

I was honest with her in the email I sent but realized she may not have picked it up. And what “time” does it supposedly save?

I asked Tom if he got the feeling she was about to try to troll me and he didn’t think so. He felt that all the message was saying was that everyone should just say what’s on their mind.

Well, I did, and I told her I sent an email a couple of days ago but that we had things going on that could very well turn into a crisis and that I needed to focus on that at the moment. Haven’t heard from her since and more than half of me doesn’t want to. Or from her bratty kids.

We went to Walmart yesterday morning and got way too much in the way of junk food so tomorrow I’m going to make a point of getting back on track.

Tom’s thinking he’s going to get the best hearing aid on the market because he’s really into technology and thinks it’s worth whatever it will cost us. Our insurance will pay 80% of it. The steroids, which he finished today, have helped him recover more hearing but things are just louder, not any less distorted. That’s why he wants a hearing aid. The good news is that some of the results of his blood work are back and it shows he doesn’t have an infection.

It feels good to be caught up on my sleep and have my energy back because this way I feel like I can be a lot more productive. I wasn’t going to do Camp Nano until Aly reminded me about it yesterday. I decided I would set my word count low and dive in. Tom’s also going to do programming for the month. He wants to code a game app and have it for sale either on Amazon or Google Play once it’s done.

FRIDAY, JUNE 29, 2018
Tom is at the lab now because they want to check his kidney function.

So it was around 1 p.m. yesterday when I heard the beeping of someone punching the numbers on the door lock of the back door. My first thought was that Tom would have certainly Skyped me if he were coming home early for any reason, and since he hadn’t given me the slightest clue that he might be, I automatically assumed someone had figured out the code was breaking in. I began charging down the hall right as I heard the door actually being pushed open, ready to attack. But as I burst into the laundry room, I could see it was him right before I went to lunge and hopefully kill with my very determined and bare little hands.

After giving him one of those “you scared the shit out of me” and “why didn’t you Skype me?” routines, he told me he was officially put on a medical leave of absence.

Right away my mind couldn’t help but think of the dream I had the previous night of us needing assistance and ordering free food with the “gadget” the state gave us. Also, the “whiteout” dream where someone was saying they were going to white us out in which a lovely letter from the government soon followed to tell us they were stopping our unemployment before he got a job as we had been on tier 4. Plus, the “riot” dream.

The thing is that this time around we have 13 or 14 grand in our 401 and if we get unemployment if they choose to fire him or lay him off we should be okay for a while, unlike last time when we were left with absolutely nothing. Also, the economy is booming now so right now we don’t see how this could escalate into a crisis. However, the timing is interesting because it seems we only get one or two years off in between disasters. Well, even though I’m not totally over the issues with my medication causing anxiety and will likely be going back to Dr. O, I have been better for a couple of years now overall. So it would be about time for the next shitstorm, whatever it’s going to be.

It’s basically all about money. The company he works for is foreign-based and struggling to stay in business. They’ve already decided Tom’s going to be too expensive to keep on because of his health issues and all they care about is their precious premiums and deductibles and all that shit instead of a human being with health issues, so he thinks they’re aiming to fire him. They gave him a form in which he has to have a doctor sign saying that he can perform all the tasks listed on it. It looks like they tacked on the very last one on their little bullet list and that’s the one they’re most likely to try to use against him in the end. They’re trying to cover their asses since they can’t just fire him without going through certain steps first because that would be illegal. Tom is very smart and well-informed as far as his rights between basic knowledge over the years and what he’s researched and is doing his best to cover his ass and make it much harder for them to take advantage of him. Hopefully, he’s not being naïvely optimistic or missing anything because I can’t stress it enough when I said that after what happened in Arizona never again will anyone casually screw us over and walk away. If we get burned in a big way, you’re not walking and neither are we. So, if we’re really worth it to you and you don’t mind a lifetime of suffering, go ahead and screw us because you’re not walking away, and as I said, neither are we. No one will ever again get a free pass, legal or not, to turn our lives upside down. We’ve done our time being burned due to people’s incompetence, spite or greed. We may not be able to prevent it from happening in the first place, but we can and will fight back, unlike in the past. We’re through being “nice” and doing what’s easiest.

Sure enough, they failed to follow through with getting the MRI set up so while the ENT was kind enough to respond to his message on the portal and give him advice such as alternating between Tylenol and Ibuprofen when he gets any achiness, he had to play phone with them yesterday to schedule the MRI. He’ll be having an MRI with contrast on the 5th. Then he’ll see the ENT on the 11th.

At first, I was saying I wanted to beat the shit out of his bosses for giving him a hard time in the parking lot where he works because they’ve been deliberately making him do all kinds of difficult and unusual tasks, trying to get him to get fed up enough to quit. But then he pointed out that they’ve got our money so we need to play it smart. At first I thought he was talking about the 401 until he explained that he’s got three weeks of vacation time accumulated. I didn’t realize he still had that much. So even though he’s on a leave of absence he’s still being paid.

We don’t yet know if we’re going to stay in CA but my guess is that we probably will. Fortunately, we would be able to survive on minimum wage if he had to get another job and that was all he could get, which is currently $11 in California. His income would almost be cut in half that way, but you know what? As long as we have enough for the necessities, I don’t give a shit nearly as much as I used to about money. Money is always nice but it really isn’t everything. So if we don’t have extra money for fun stuff, fine.

The absolute worst thing that can happen as far as we know would be them finding something really bad on the MRI and him having to go on disability which would mean we would be broke and forever trapped in this state. Fortunately, however, this is as unlikely as us hitting the lottery. For now, we don’t know exactly what’s going to happen or when.

Dr.O responded to my message and said that I could feel free to make an appointment and discuss the option of Liothyronine, though I may still have to take Levothyroxine as well, just less of it. I never thought I’d say this since she’s a bit of a scary tyrant at times and parking in downtown Sacramento is a nightmare, but I’m excited to see this incredibly knowledgeable and helpful endo again and see if I can finally stop the anxiety I still get at times. The sleep doc can wait. I slept wonderfully last night, BTW. I usually sleep better at night anyway, but yeah, I slept so well I don’t even remember my dreams.

As I told Dr. O, this kind of anxiety doesn’t usually include a racing heart unless I go flaring. It’s just this horrible underlying feeling in the chest that’s a truly God-awful feeling and I don’t want to have to play this game where I get that and then have to skip doses here and there and never have ideal numbers. Then again, and as I’ve always said, the numbers are meaningless to me. It’s how I feel that matters. I skipped my poison today and yesterday, so when I start it tomorrow I should be okay for a few weeks or so before it gets me again as it builds back up in my system.

That’s all I can say for now as I expect to be pretty busy in the upcoming weeks as we go through whatever changes we’re going to go through. He’s still going to look for a new job regardless of what his employers end up doing because it’s a shitty place to work, he’s underpaid, and he doesn’t expect them to stay in business until he retires. My guess is that the next job will underpay him too, because he doesn’t seem to be meant to be paid fairly anymore than I’m meant to sleep normally. The average hourly pay is now almost $25. He’s at almost $19 an hour. If he can get $21 - $22 an hour, that’s still an improvement. I was really hoping he wouldn’t have to go through this shit again, though, with just six years left to work.

THURSDAY, JUNE 28, 2018
Last night I dreamed that we were broke and needing assistance. I don’t know where we were living but in the dream, instead of giving you food stamps, they gave you this gadget in which you selected what you wanted to eat that week and submitted it electronically for your order to be fulfilled.

They complained that we were getting way too much for two people so they deleted almost all the junk food options since it wasn’t considered a necessity, except they left Twinkies on the list.

“So order 20 Twinkies,” I joked to Tom.

Tom got a kick out of the dream which I’m sure was spawned by our discussion yesterday. They’re starting to really fuck with him at work because they see dollar signs instead of a guy who’s suffering from health issues. I guess they’re worried about their premiums and deductibles, and being that they’re foreign-based, they actually lose money when it comes to disabled people whereas American-based companies are more apt to hire those with disabilities because they gain from it. It pisses me off that so many employers expect their workers to function like reliable little machines every single day and not have any problems. They fail to keep in mind that shit happens and things do come up. People get sick. People get injuries, illnesses and diseases. Same goes for their family members. They’re not these perfect little machines that can function without fail and indefinitely.

I guess they’re trying to encourage him to quit because while he doesn’t mind noise itself, he’s having a hard time understanding things in such a noisy environment and with so many people who are too lazy to learn English as should be the case if you’re going to work in this country. But he would never just quit because it was a shitty place to work. He said he told them, “If you’re going to fire me, go ahead and do it now, otherwise give me the form.”

“The form” is for his protection and for the doctor to fill out. It proves that he has a valid disability now. While he has regained some hearing we’re pretty sure at this point he’s never going to recover all of it and that the distortion isn’t going away. Rather than a hearing aid, he may have to block that ear.

Anyway, we talked about it and he reminded me that we have the 401 and it’s not like we would be left without anything like last time, but he would much rather be fired or laid off, which he said he’s fine with as then he can get unemployment as well and we would be okay for over a year with all we’ve got saved.

I’m glad that his being laid off wouldn’t be the crisis it was years ago, and maybe it would actually be a good thing in the end, but I still have mixed emotions about the possibility. He assured me that since they don’t pay him fairly there and treat most of their workers like shit, if anything, another job would be more money. I pointed out that an American-based job wouldn’t give him as much time off and he said that if he got 2nd or 3rd shift, we’d have time to work in appointments, reminding me he can adjust his schedule easily and he always sleeps well when he does sleep. This is true. He’s just the opposite of me.

I still wish I could jump the calendar ahead 6 years so he would be retired but I don’t want to see him get any older! When I reminded him that he’s still older and white, he said having a documented disability should actually help him because then they know up front and you’re hired with the knowledge that you’ve got the disability and all that.

We’re not sure yet if we’re going to have a case against either his company or the Medical Group, but I can say with certainty that if we get screwed over, we’re not walking away. I promised myself after the shit storm in Arizona that there would be no more letting people screw us over and then casually walking away as if they did little more than spill a cup of coffee on us. There really ARE going to be consequences for those who screw us in a really big way that alters our lives negatively.

Meanwhile, he’s still waiting for them to call for the fucking MRI appointment, and he messaged our ENT about the holdup. He may have to call the insurance company which is just fucking ridiculous. He’s also tired of getting headaches and the ringing in his ear and having to take too many ibuprofen which causes bleeding. If he just bangs himself on something accidentally he starts bleeding so he wanted to ask her about painkiller alternatives. He said he isn’t having as many headaches and hasn’t been woken up from it in a few days but isn’t sure the steroids are really helping that much. He’s almost done with them, though. He’s usually less achy at the beginning and end of his day. It’s the accumulative effect of being around all the noise at work that gets to him.

If I had to guess, I would still say we’re going to be in this house for at least 6 years because he’s going to be working for at least that long, somewhere, and will probably start applying for other jobs regardless of what his company does. He doesn’t need their shit or to be treated so unfairly. They haven’t given him a raise in quite a while and the last time they did it was kind of insulting. He’s been a great employee and this is what he gets for it.

Still, I wish we could run to Florida, run to Hawaii, get out of the country, and run to where Aly is because it would be nice to have her close by, but that climate would kill me, haha. I just want to do something.

I found myself getting a bit down yesterday, thinking it would be nice to have more friends and family that were local, but then it’s probably a good thing we don’t with the drama that usually brings. Also, just because you have them around doesn’t mean they can or will always be helpful when you need them.

So he’s 61 today and it’s sad to think of us getting old and dying. I know it’s most people’s greatest fear and it’s definitely one of mine. You wonder how you’re going to die. How is your significant other going to die? How much suffering will there be along the way? When will we die? Who will be there for us in the end? Is there an afterlife? What might it be like if there is one?

While this condition of his may be nothing compared to cancer or something like that, I always knew this near perfectly healthy guy wasn’t always going to stay that way. Sometimes I feel like I don’t want to die but I don’t want to live to get older either because the older you get, the more shit you acquire and the more you suffer. I try to focus on the moment, keep positive and stay in the present, but it’s not always easy.

Later…

So my phone just rang and I was like, Dr. O’s nurse or Dr. S’s office? It was the latter. That’s the third time they called in response to my message on the portal. This time I answered and told her that more pressing issues came up with my husband and that I would call back and schedule an appointment soon.

We want to see what’s going on with him first. Meanwhile, I’ve been sleeping shitty for a long time now and it hasn’t killed me yet. A few hours ago he Skyped me to tell me that his ear popped and things were suddenly twice as loud, though still distorted. This is a great sign but it would help to know when his MRI is going to be before we schedule an appointment for me. We know he returns to the ENT on the 11th, though.

Watched a video of Dr. S and in this quick video alone I learned some amazing facts about sleep that I didn’t know. Tom’s not sure if he agrees that we don’t need less sleep with age, though.

I forgot to mention earlier that his schedule program was only one hour off. That’s pretty damn amazing for a half-a-year prediction. The program said I would get up at 1:30 a.m. and I got up about an hour later. Now let’s see if I get up at 10:30 p.m. on my birthday!

Poor Aly. She was in the hospital again for a while because she had dizziness and was bruising easily. Although the chemo seems to be helping, they’re worried she might have another autoimmune disease so she’s awaiting test results on that.

I skipped my meds today and have less anxiety and lightheadedness. Had quite a bit yesterday, especially lightheadedness. I’m getting even more convinced that this does stem from the meds. I just don’t understand why I don’t have the symptoms every single time I take the medication. It’s great that I can cut back when I need to but it sucks to think I could have to deal with this shit all my life and never be able to bring my numbers to where they should be. Instead, my metabolism will be forever slow but that’s supposed to make you live longer, so I heard. Not a thrilling idea with a husband who’s 8.5 years older.

If I never hear again from Tammy I’m going to always wonder if she does have sarcoidosis but at the same time, I feel confident she will live for quite some time to come. I really think she’s a hypochondriac. Not that she’s making up the diseases she has. I believe the diseases are very real. It’s just that she makes it sound like she’s going to die yet never does so even though we all get something that kills us sooner or later, I still think she’s looking at later rather than sooner.

Still have mixed emotions about not having contact with them but I feel a lot better today. I don’t feel the sense of sadness that I started to feel. I think I’m better off without them in my life. They’re just dramatic, emotional, aggressive people who aren’t very bright in a lot of ways. There’s a reason that such young sisters are still single and have been living together for so many years, and it’s not just because of their weight.

Getting these white vinyl panels that you can stack as high as you want to replace the old corner fence. We figured it would need 18 panels and would cost about $320. We’re going to have three layers with the bottom two being solid and the top having these diagonal “dashes” cut out in them. They also had circles and one other design but I liked the slanted dashes best.

I was outside on the patio sipping my raspberry tea a few hours ago when I said hello to Bob who was watering his tomatoes. We got to talking about different things and given that he got an iPhone 5 or 6 years ago at the suggestion of his daughter in case they ever got stuck on the road, I was surprised he didn’t know what speech-to-text was. They do watch TV even though they don’t have a computer and I still thought they would know what that is just like almost everybody knows what LOL means and OMG. But he’d never heard of it and when I showed him how it worked on my phone he was pretty amazed.

Carolyn wished Tom a happy birthday on Facebook and I complimented their yard. It’s looking really great.

I decided to hang up voice blogging for a while. It was a fun and interesting experiment but there are too many problems with it. Bubbly is glitchy and it’s a pain in the ass converting audio and then uploading it to Tumblr. If I do it at all I’m just going to do it directly on my phone and leave it at that. I’ve got a journal/pic app loaded.

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 27, 2018
Tom and I were having fun exchanging goofy and mostly senseless predictive texts via Skype while he was on break.

So yesterday I felt sad but not guilty about my nieces deleting and ghosting me and then me deleting Tammy and blocking them all. My conscience is clear in that I honestly and truly don’t believe I did anything wrong this time around other than express myself in a way my nieces disagreed with. This doesn’t mean I don’t care for them. I just think they get a little selfish at times but then again I suppose we all do. I sent an apology for the confusion over the offending post but if that’s not good enough any more than the letter I had Tammy give Lisa a while back then I don’t know what else I can do. I still don’t think I said anything wrong so much as something they didn’t like.

Sometimes I wish Tammy had boys instead of girls. Maybe there would be less drama that way.

Even so, I felt a bit sad at the thought of never being in touch with Tammy again so I sent her a message letting her know that I’m fine with the girls avoiding me and me avoiding them. It may be better that way as they are who they are and I am who I am. If we’re not in touch then I don’t have to worry about seeing anything of theirs that triggers bad memories for me, and I don’t have to feel like I’m walking on eggshells with every little thing I say and any of it being taken the wrong way. I would still like to know what’s going on in their lives and Tammy is welcome to fill me in if she wants to. It’s totally up to her and like I told her, she can either tell me to fuck off forever or we can carry on as sisters. I will be okay with whatever she chooses. So the email is sent and the rest is up to her. :-)

Another thing I told her is that I’m very glad she was able to make amends with dad, Larry and Bill in the end, and I can usually move on with a sincere apology. But some offenses are just too huge and made even huger when the person doesn’t even realize they did anything wrong and therefore can’t and won’t apologize.

Okay, enough of the family unless anything happens.

It feels so good to finally be starting to catch up on my sleep and to have more energy. I just wish I didn’t have the lightheadedness I’ve been having as well as faint underlying traces of anxiety. See, I still think the root cause is the medication and flares. My numbers say I’m officially menopausal so that’s out of the equation now. Therefore, I decided to message my old endo and ask about Liothyronine. I explained to her that I didn’t want to waste her time until I spoke to her about it as my PCP recommended. If she thinks it may be a better option for me then I’ll schedule an appointment. I have a feeling she’s going to have her nurse call and say Liothyronine isn’t a good idea.

Anyway, I’m enjoying my energy while I have it since most days it seems to be hiding from me. We went for a bike ride early this morning and I was exhausted for a couple of hours afterward. Trying to navigate a cruiser that is heavier and gearless up and down these hills is quite an exertion.

We have a small fence on one of the street corners that’s old and falling down. We’re going to replace it with one of those vinyl things that sort of looks like a partition. Tom said he’ll show me online what he has in mind later on to get my approval on it. I’m sure it will be lovely. Anything will be nicer than what’s there. He also wants to replace the gate back there because he doesn’t like standing outside the back door and being able to see both the street in back and in front. With the way traffic is here and so many loud vehicles these days I regret being on the corner. Then again, if we had a neighbor there that had a motorcycle that may not be much better.

Bob and Virginia’s beautiful magenta butterfly tree is starting to bloom in front of their place which I can see from the kitchen window. It’s gorgeous. I absolutely love those trees and they’re one of my favorites around here. The cherry trees are lovely when they’re in bloom in March and April but then they turn into these ugly maroonish-brown things.

I was also able to work out on the Bowflex, and I even started working on one of my stories again yesterday. Doing some cleaning and soon I will work on my story some more. Maybe update my voice journal as well.

TUESDAY, JUNE 26, 2018
I slept on and off for about 9 hours and feel the most rested that I’ve felt in days. Still woke up hot a few times and my heart wasn’t so much racing as it was beating hard. When I would lay on my stomach or whatever part of me that was in contact with the mattress, it would heat up and cause that effect. But still, it was nice to wake up a few times instead of a few million and I definitely didn’t wake up due to loud vehicles either! Just a bit lightheaded now.

I crashed around 2, woke up around 6 and spoke to Tom for a few minutes. Then I took a baby Benadryl and went back to bed till around 11. I’m still not a hundred percent recharged and I don’t feel totally refreshed right now but I’m slow to wake up anyway, so I’m hoping that in an hour or two I’ll have more energy. Maybe even go on a bike ride later with Tom. Let me guess, though. Today I’ll be up for 21 hours and sleep for 6, right?

I dreamed that we moved into some house that we had checked out before when looking for a place and settling on wherever we had just moved from. I really liked its kitchen even though I still considered it to be a bit old for my tastes; in the late ‘70s to early ‘80s. I’m not sure if we were renting it or what but I knew in my mind it would only be temporary.

As for the dream I had about a week ago where I saw the scale drop to 150? Well, that one is now just two pounds away from becoming a dream premonition. I knew it meant something.

Later…

Even though I’m still having some fatigue and lightheadedness, Tom and I went out on an early morning walk and it was cool to see Mars as easily as we could.

Okay, well… my nieces and sister and I are done with each other. I’m both sad and relieved. This morning I posted on my wall that I try to be considerate of other people’s feelings and that it would be nice if people did the same for me, specifically pointing out that my saying so wasn’t in regards to any specific individual, and it wasn’t. Once again, they assumed it was aimed at them and they deleted me. I guess I just don’t have a right to express myself like they do.

While I will always love them and think of them and wish nothing but the best for them, I have always felt that in many ways the three of them, including other family members, tend to have an aggressive streak that’s a bit unnerving and they can be overly sensitive and emotional. I don’t want to have to feel like I’m walking on eggshells all the time when dealing with them and posting on my own wall just like they didn’t want to have to feel that way, and I don’t want to have to defend and explain myself either. As I told my sister after they dumped me, I’m too old for this drama. Therefore, I felt it was best to just pull back from all of them at least for a while. We’re just too different. I may not be perfect, as I said, but we have different personalities, different beliefs, different interests, different everything.

I just can’t deal with those that are going to be that sensitive and paranoid, and I have to think of my own discomfort as well. I wish I could be more forgiving, put the past in the past, and not mind at all about the reminders of those who have had a negative impact on my life in a major way, but I can’t change who I am any more than they can change who they are. And we shouldn’t have to either.

I hate to say it but if Tammy didn’t have any kids or they had different personalities then maybe we could be in touch all our lives. But if I felt awkward enough with her connection to one kid who wishes not to have any contact with me, imagine how I’d feel if I stayed in touch with her with all her kids not wanting contact with me? Then I would have to hear about four people I would rather not discuss, on top of God and deceased family members. Some of the deceased members I could deal with at times, but still…

MONDAY, JUNE 25, 2018
Got lots to update on. First, they’re finally done with the fiber-optics upgrade. Thank God! I’ve had enough of the loud equipment and the loud trucks. Oh, I know it’s only a matter of days or weeks if I’m lucky before the next project be it by the park or by one of the neighbors, so I’m going to be sure to enjoy whatever time off I can get.

That fucking car, though! It’s been coming around more and more. Just because they don’t sleep here doesn’t mean they don’t live here. Seriously, they may as well sleep here, too. I don’t know if one of their parents is ill or they’re working for them or something, but they’re obviously jobless again. They don’t seem to have much of a life at all. No job, no significant other, no kids, nothing to keep them busy enough to take even one fucking day off from visiting. They’re here every day without fail, and again, broke or not, I can’t believe anyone that young wants to hang out with their parents that often. I keep hoping they’ll get a life but it seems that’s just not their thing and the parents aren’t exactly encouraging or persuasive in any way either.

I slept shitty and woke up exhausted, as usual. The internet simply isn’t reliable in the way electricity is and it can’t stream something for more than a few hours without interruptions and hiccups. Two hours after I crashed, Alexa came out and said, “I’m sorry. I’m having trouble playing music now. Try again later.”

When I couldn’t get the brown noise track I chose as my best bet for masking the more thunderous sounds restarted, I had no choice but to give up and let that fucking car wake me up. So did my bladder and food smells. Tom is pretty sure the smell wasn’t his food because he’s made macaroni and cheese while I’ve slept numerous times. These old windows aren’t sealed up very well and air gets circulated throughout the house when the AC is on.

Anyway, I’m hoping that today will be the day that I finally get caught up on my sleep. I now have the earbuds plugged into the laptop I got in Oregon after recording the brown noise to Audacity and then cutting any lag off the ends so that when it loops there won’t be any gaps.

Also, we ordered a basic $30 MP3 player with a 30-hour battery life which will be delivered today along with my Raspberry Royale tea. This will be great for taking to Hawaii and drowning out his snoring and doors slamming. It’s kind of sad that I have to resort to these kinds of things at home, but while I can’t get myself on a schedule and I can’t stop from waking up for other reasons, if I can at least get myself to sleep through noise, great!

Now for my 1 hour and 12-minute discussion with Tammy which I definitely have mixed emotions about.

As usual, it was mostly about her health. She didn’t ask much about Tom and I unless I steered the conversation in that direction.

The net is still cutting in and out which Tom says he thinks will happen for a couple of hours but I’m getting too tired to get into our discussion. Will get to it tomorrow, tired or not.

Or maybe not. My battery is down to 29% so maybe I’ll gab away until it hits 15% or so. I’m getting close to when I’m ready to sleep but not that close.

Okay, so about a week or so ago I made a post on Facebook about people obsessing over those that were gone, those that were abusive, and not appreciating what they do have as opposed to what they don’t. Becky and Sarah saw it and instead of talking to me about it, they went to Tammy, assuming it was aimed at them. They were offended particularly with the second anniversary of the death of their father coming up.

As I assured Tammy, the timing was strictly coincidental but where I fibbed a bit was when I said it had nothing to do with them. I didn’t want to lie but I didn’t want to needlessly offend anyone further either so I more or less softened the truth. It kind of did have to do with them but not just them. It was more about Facebook being so fake, negative and repetitious so much of the time.

I was a little upset that they didn’t come to me about it and Tammy said they didn’t want to say anything at all because they didn’t want to come between her and I, but as Tammy told them, if we can’t have a simple discussion about whatever, well, that has nothing to do with them. She’s right, but people should still go directly to the source, shouldn’t they? Still, I do understand them not wanting to make waves for Tammy and I and they didn’t, as I told them. Even so, I let them know they can come to me if they’re ever curious about anything. I don’t bite. I’m approachable, etc. The only thing that bugs me is that while I try my best to take other people’s feelings into consideration, I wish they’d do the same for me but they usually don’t. I don’t like feeling like I have to watch what I say to such degrees or like I can’t express myself while others can do so a lot more freely.

I have admitted to Tammy that I don’t follow most people’s profiles or the newsfeed regularly not just because I’m busy doing other things and prefer to hang out on other sites but because I do get tired of the same old, same old at times. It still bothers me to have to hear about Bill and she knows this.

“What if you were raped,” I asked her, “and you and that rapist had a mutual friend and that friend was constantly praising your rapist? She said she wouldn’t mind it at all.”

Wow! That’s great that she can do that but I’m not her. I can’t make myself feel or not feel whatever it is I feel or don’t feel for various people who have screwed me in the past. Sure wish I could, though!

I understand that they have a right to post what they want but I think it would be nice if people took the time and consideration to block people from posts they don’t think they would care to see. I do this for them.

I agree with Tammy that if they want to post memes about him if they find it therapeutic and helpful in grieving and getting through the tough times and all that, more power to them. It’s certainly better than doing drugs or alcohol. Where I get a little irritated is when people expect me to consider their feelings without any regard for mine, as I said.

This whole incident, or whatever you can call it, has been a real eye-opener for me. All those years ago, even though I didn’t do it in a very legal way, I really was out of line for defending Tammy. I can kind of see now why so many people are hesitant to defend others for various reasons. Sometimes it really isn’t our place to defend them and they really do need to work things out on their own. Like Tammy herself said, it was between her and Bill. She never asked me to say anything, and as she taught me, defending someone, regardless of how you go about it, has a way of backfiring. I don’t think I could just stand back in silence and not defend Tom if someone was messing with him, but Tammy wasn’t a spouse or a child and I really should have kept my mouth shut and stayed out of it. In the past, had I walked down the street and saw some guy attacking a woman, I would’ve done my best to pull him off of her and probably even beat the crap out of him. Not anymore! I may call the cops but that’s as far as I go. Should I say anything if I was present if someone was verbally or emotionally abusing Tom, for example? Probably not. I probably shouldn’t butt in and I should just let him deal with it himself as he’s a big boy and plenty capable of taking care of himself. But that particular type of scenario may be easier said than done.

I also realize that while I shouldn’t have to be responsible for how people take things that I post, sometimes sharing some thoughts or ideas can come across as cryptic or suspicious to others. I’ll be more choosy about what I say but again, there’s only so far I’m willing to go with that because people have to take responsibility for their own reactions as well and I can’t possibly always know upfront who might take what the wrong way or read something into it that isn’t there. Sometimes we gotta do what we gotta do within reason and accept that the way people take it is on them. Not us, even though society likes to think otherwise too much of the time.

I still have mixed emotions about living near such dramatic, sensitive, and sometimes very emotional people with aggressive streaks such as Tammy and the girls have. I can’t stress it enough when I say I don’t need or want any drama. I don’t want to hear about Bill, Lisa, God (she left God out of the last conversation) and I don’t want to think I’m saying the most innocent of things just to find out it pissed everyone off. I’m getting much too old to play that game and the whole she said, he said bullshit.

Another thing that frustrates me about Tammy is that she’s not very bright. It’s very hard to have a conversation with her because she’s always rambling and butting in and I often have to explain things several times because she either has memory loss worse than mine or she just doesn’t get it. This doesn’t mean I don’t understand that she is how she is or that I don’t care for her. She just really irritates me at times.

Speaking of living near them, Tammy shocked me by saying she and Mark may actually move to some Island where the cost of living is really cheap just for a change of pace and I guess so Mark doesn’t have to spend so much time working. I was surprised because I just didn’t think she would ever move. I thought this was it for her. It would be funny if we ended up moving to Florida while she left Florida. I told her we too, would eventually consider other countries as well. I definitely like the idea of low-cost and Universal Health Care, but I don’t know if there are any countries that have both, including a warm climate.

She’s still really worried she may have sarcoidosis and mentioned that it could kill you within 7 years and that they first thought she might have it in Connecticut and all that. That may be a good sign, though, as I told her, saying that it won’t kill her if that’s what it is. I came up with contradicting info in my search on that. On one hand, it says that most people can live normal lives with it and that it usually goes away but then some sites said you have up to 7 years. Let’s just wait and see if that’s what she really has, though, because not all her test results are back yet.

We were talking about aging and laughing about how much longer it takes to pee when you’re older and just when you think you’re done, you’re not, lol.

SUNDAY, JUNE 24, 2018
Another shitty sleep. Was up for 21 hours and slept for 6. Woke up a million times just because and maybe once due to traffic. Tom may have accidentally found the solution, though, after half a decade of dealing with this shit! He was looking for something else on Amazon when he stumbled across these soft foam-covered speakers embedded in a headband that you wear to sleep, as well as earbuds especially made for sleeping. Well, I don’t want to get my hopes up but it’s looking like the earbuds may be the most promising. The headband is wonderful but that may slip easier than the earbuds may fall out. I just can’t use them in the fake canal because it’s not shaped right, so it’s a good thing I’m mostly deaf on that side. Now I have to figure out what device would be best and I’m thinking that I’ll test what nature sounds I have on Amazon Prime Music and compile a repeating list of the best song that I think masks bassy sounds the best. If I make a playlist with a track added over and over again until the amount of time equals longer than I ever sleep, then I shouldn’t have to worry about it turning off in 4-5 hours unless the connection hiccups.

Took Ibuprofen for the headache I woke up with when I got up a few hours ago. I hope it’s only due to shitty sleep and not anything else, as I’m absolutely exhausted! If this works, though, I wonder if I’ll stop waking up on my own so much. That’s part of why I’m so exhausted and not just because of others waking me up. But maybe if the stress of being woken up is off, I won’t wake up as much. I don’t understand why I can’t go back to sleep when I’m exhausted like I am now but I usually can’t.

The next decision is… do I still make an appointment with the sleep doctor anyway or wait and see if this helps? If I continue to keep waking up on my own or I continue to feel tired when I do sleep well, then I suppose I should definitely see him.

The only thing I hate about this time of year is that the fucking firecrackers start so far in advance of July 4th. As if the car stereos, muscle cars and planes aren’t enough.

Just finished roasting a fresh batch of peanuts. Maybe by the time we move the first smart oven will exist and we can just tell Alexa to preheat the oven and all that.

The drama queen called saying she hasn’t been online because she’s been having all kinds of testing and doctors’ appointments and asked if I would call Monday. I told her on Facebook I’ll call Monday morning. sighs I still don’t understand why she doesn’t use WhatsApp. Then we don’t have to talk live at scheduled times. I hate talking to her either way because it’s all about her health, God, and maybe Lisa, too. You know me… I’m not a people pleaser and I’m nobody’s liar just to “fit in” and avoid conflict. The last thing I want is conflict with anyone but if she brings up Lisa, I just can’t lie to her. I wish I could just like I wished I could tell Andy he was right and that I was just using my sleep disorder as an excuse just to get him off my ass because I was tired of him provoking arguments and feeling like I had to defend myself to keep the peace.

But again, I can’t lie to her. I don’t want anything to do with her crazy daughter should she change her mind or should Tammy decide to try to bring us together, so to speak. I worry my honesty will get me dumped but I would rather risk getting dumped by telling the truth than by lying and telling her I’m up for a connection my heart really isn’t into. She isn’t the dumping type, though. She’s hung up on me a million times but she doesn’t usually dump people.

Still, I get that Lisa was young and screwed up and that maybe she’s changed. But bipolar disorder doesn’t go away and it’s nothing you want to fuck with. They’re very VERY hard to deal with. It’s what Marie has. They can turn on you for any reason at any time, be it for something real or imagined, and there’s just no reasoning with them. Again, I loved Stuart. But enough to live there with my sister???

Later…

Tom’s finally feeling the jittery effects of prednisone, and guess who’s a little anxious?

Yesterday my lungs were surprisingly tight and I had to take a hit from my inhaler for the first time in a while.

Not at all happy to learn they extended the hours from 1 PM to 2 PM in which kids are allowed to be in the pool. What’s next? Are they going to let them move in here? Might as well since this place is so noisy during the daytime anyway. In some ways, this place is worse than the NHA. There, almost all the racket was from kids. Here, it’s all kinds of things.

The other night I dreamed my ENT was holding her baby who now has to be close to two years old. I said something about it being a girl based on all the pink it was wrapped in. She nodded and said, “Would you like to hold her?”

I said, “Sure,” and took hold of the baby who then began talking in complete and intelligible sentences.

In another dream, I was watching this really ugly woman sitting in a restaurant booth and holding this puppy that was dressed in this frilly “dress.” Then I realized she wasn’t in a restaurant like I thought she was but on TV instead and I figured she was on some weird show like Bates Motel or something.

Then I was swimming in a pool and a couple of gay guys were in the pool as well. I turned and floated on my back and felt so peaceful at the moment, never wanting to get out of the pool.

Next was a dream that Kim called me about being hit with one of the boards she broke in karate class and then she left me hanging on the phone to listen to some weird music.

Then I went to a convenience store and requested various items, then realized I didn’t have any cash on me which seemed to annoy the cashier.

Then Aly contacted me but I was having trouble seeing the device or maybe finding the device she was on.

Lastly, I had Alexa turn on a light in a large room with an office feel to it, and I then realized I felt very lonely.

SATURDAY, JUNE 23, 2018
As exhausted as I was, incredibly I got up the strength to take my bike down to the lake. Or maybe it’s more like the determination. Even though I went out at 11 PM, there were still people and traffic out and about. I guess I should have figured as much with the heat. People come out at night instead. Lawrence was sitting on his patio.

Fortunately, no one called out to me and endangered me by startling me. I swear, if they ever do I will stop and yell at them and give them a good lecture on endangering bikers. You should never call out to one unless you know they know you’re there!

I’m unbelievably tired and weak feeling that it’s almost scary. Scarier is that I looked up symptoms of chronic fatigue and I sure have a lot of them. As if sleep disruptions weren’t enough, my life is really going to be miserable if I have that. I’ll never be able to live up to my full potential. Not even close. The symptoms include extreme fatigue after physical or mental exercise, waking up not feeling rested, headaches and trouble remembering and concentrating on things, along with sore throats. Ugh, I hope I’m wrong! The only symptoms I don’t have are muscle/joint pains.

FRIDAY, JUNE 22, 2018
It’s pretty fucking sad that the world has reduced me to having to send the message below to the sleep doctor I saw a couple of years ago who is also a neurologist, but the world isn’t going to quiet down just because I want it to. Meanwhile, I need my fucking sleep when I’m on nights! This has to stop. Somehow, it just has to.

Hello, I saw you on November 1, 2016 about my circadian rhythm disorder. I understand there is no cure for CRD but I have another problem which I hope you can advise me on. I am an extremely light sleeper and am woken up regularly when I’m sleeping during the daytime. This has left me feeling tired, unable to think clearly, and unable to function normally. I have to skip physical activities regularly and it’s like my brain runs in slow motion. I can’t always make myself return to sleep just because I’m still tired. I’ve lived in a noisy place for 5 years now. The bedroom is on a busy street but I understand that modern life is noisy everywhere. I get woken up by loud muscle cars and delivery and service vehicles even with a sound machine playing loudly and an earplug in my good ear. I’m deaf in the other ear. Moving to a rural area is no longer a possibility due to both age and money. However, I would have thought I would have adapted to sleeping through the noise or to either being woken up or at least sleeping in spurts when I did get woken up. I understand we can’t train ourselves to need less sleep but how do I get myself to sleep more soundly so these disturbances don’t keep waking me up??? If the sound machine isn’t working for the loudest sounds then would I get used to sleeping through the noise if I actually did away with them instead?

Later…

Finally got caught up on my sleep with 10 hours of shut-eye. So then why am I still exhausted??? I honestly don’t know what the fuck is wrong with me at this point. I did wake up a few times, once to pee, but not due to traffic. That’s pretty amazing considering that the trash and recycle trucks came by today.

I’m going to go as fast as I can and catch up on things. As it is, if I can’t figure out a way to sleep better and get over this exhaustion, I’m looking at voice blogging only. I’m simply run down to the core. I have been seriously considering just doing weekly bullet entries that provide the main highlights of what’s going on and so I can still keep in touch with people, but not the detailed entries I normally do. I simply don’t have the energy anymore. Again, other than regular sleep disturbances, I’m not sure why I’m so tired so much of the time. I haven’t been able to be active for about a week now. It’s like something’s forcing me to live like the disabled person I’m not. It’s very frustrating! I could even do more with anxiety as long as my heart wasn’t racing. It may have been the worst feeling in the world but I could still function. Now I’m so tired I have to do things in spurts. I’m not in perimenopause anymore, I’m certainly not PMSing, I’m not starving, so I don’t understand what’s making me so tired other than the daytime noise.

An article I read recently says you can still be woken up and disturbed by sleep but not know it. The brain registers the sounds and this lowers the quality of your sleep even though you don’t actually wake up. Well, between 6 a.m. to 4 p.m. there definitely would have been at least a dozen or so loud vehicles so I’m sure I registered most of them. Also, since we hear through bone conduction, blocking the ear canal is not enough. That’s why you can put your hands over your ears and still hear, you just don’t hear things as well.

The sleep doctor responded to the message I left him asking what I might be able to do to make me a heavier sleeper so that I can sleep through the daytime noise easier. I’ve got to wonder how people manage to work graves these days unless they’re a really heavy sleeper like Tom. Well, I don’t expect to ever be like him because I’m simply not him, but if there’s anything I could do that might help me, I sure would like to know about it.

The response was as expected and that’s a follow-up appointment since I only saw him once and that was two years ago. Now I’m not sure what to do. On one hand, the last thing I want is yet another appointment and for Tom to have to take more time off and for us to have to spend more money. But on the other hand, I’m tired of being tired and the world isn’t going to get any quieter. This is what it’s going to sound like no matter where we live and there’s no cure for CRD, and maybe there really isn’t anything he can do to make me a heavier sleeper as that very well may be just how I am. Some of us are very light sleepers just like some of us are good with languages. I’m getting desperate enough, though, that I may be willing to try whatever he may recommend despite my fears of medication in general.

Yes, we probably could afford some rural place when he retires even though I suspect we’ll be low-income, but like I said, it’s not feasible to live too far away from civilization when you’re getting older.

Still undecided about my journal. I already started voice blogging, I just don’t know if I’m going to stop the detailed regular text entries or not. I may not have much of a choice if I keep feeling so shitty and I don’t have any energy. I know I have speech-to-text to help but I still have to read and edit through the entries and this takes much longer than voice blogging. The only problem with voice is that it’s not as searchable so that’s why I would keep some sort of a bullet journal that was more like tweets. I’m so exhausted I can barely handle this entry. Really, really hope nothing else is wrong with me!

We got the new toaster with the Best Buy credit we had and it’s a decent toaster even though we won’t use it very often. It’s a combination toaster oven and I like that it’s simple to use and it doesn’t have a million different buttons. My brain is so screwed up these days between aging and not sleeping that I worry I’ll accidentally do something dangerous. I can’t think straight half the time and I can’t remember shit. My TSH has got to be close to normal now, so again, I don’t know what’s going on other than lack of sleep. That’s the only thing I can come up with. So I probably will go ahead and make the appointment at some point as I would rather be told there’s nothing that can be done for me and know I at least tried to help myself, rather than never know for sure.

Slept with my Bluetooth speaker right by my pillow with it playing thunderstorms but it stopped playing by the time I got up to pee 5 hours later even though I had it on loop mode. The battery hadn’t died either so I guess the Internet must have cut out. Because the Internet isn’t yet as reliable as electricity, that’s why I don’t use it for sleeping unless I’m just taking a nap. It won’t override the loudest of sounds but it helps with some of the smaller ones. I just wish we didn’t have roads on three sides of us. Had we gotten a couple of other houses we looked at before we got this one, I may have slept better. The loudest of sounds may have woken me up but perhaps not delivery trucks and things like that.

Tom awoke a little achy last night but hasn’t had any problems with the prednisone so far. Just a slight upset stomach for the first few hours of taking it.

While I am against the unnecessary separating of families (unless perhaps the parents are deliberately letting themselves be arrested so that their kids will get free care?) I don’t see how this equates to the Holocaust. The Jews weren’t breaking any laws. A lot of these immigrants are. Also, no one’s being thrown in concentration camps or ovens. But yeah, if people are simply requesting asylum without breaking laws and you don’t want to give it to them, just turn them away. Don’t throw them in jail and their kids in cages.

Started watching Cold Justice. First I saw Cold Justice murders and now I’m watching Cold Justice sex crimes. Why are there so few American-made shows and movies that aren’t reality shows? Everything is foreign or documentaries! But I can stand to watch these even though they’re a bit depressing.

I watched the movie Brain on Fire and it was a little scary because to think that I, someone who’s a magnet for autoimmune diseases, could end up with one that could attack something a hell of a lot more vital than a thyroid is a bit scary. What that poor woman went through!

Two or three nights ago I had a dream that my weight was down but I don’t see it going down that far without being sick or thyrotoxic. No thanks! I’ll keep the fat. Even so, it was one of those dreams that gave me that feeling only a dream premonitioner can understand. It means something. I just have to figure out what.

I also had this really weird dream that I was walking down a street somewhere on a very windy day. I was wearing a straw hat which blew off and I ended up chasing it down the street. I caught it by this house where a teenage daughter was telling her parents that some boy tried to attack her until he heard them driving up.

I said something about seeing somebody and then the guy said, “Thank you, Jodi,” as I turned and walked away with my runaway hat. I was a little surprised he knew my name.

Then Joe, the mailman, saw my hair left curly for the first time and told me that he never liked it when I straightened my hair, LOL.

THURSDAY, JUNE 21, 2018
I slept shittier than expected and I’m miserably tired. Tried to nap but once I’m up, I’m usually up even if I’m still tired. It wasn’t that I could hear them working in the bedroom, it’s that I could hear them driving by along with the loud car and every other insanely loud vehicle on the road these days.

The last time I was depressed about something going on in our lives was when we were poor. Now I’m starting to get genuinely depressed over knowing that this is the way almost every non-rural bedroom sounds like these days and that I’m simply not going to be allowed to sleep during the daytime no matter where we are for the rest of our lives. Things have simply gotten way too loud. Like I said, it’s starting to get me depressed but I’m trying not to let it because I’ve slept shitty for half a decade now and it hasn’t killed me yet. But we’ve done everything we can possibly do to get me to sleep through such ferociously thunderous noise. Maybe I should see the sleep doctor again or at least message him and ask if he has any helpful advice he could pass along.

It wasn’t just loud sounds. I woke up on my own a million times probably due to the stress. Either that or I was too hot or too cold. This place has officially topped the NHA.

I can still use the bike a few times a month while it’s warm then sell it when we move cuz I’ll have humidity AND noise in Florida. Really would have preferred to ride at night when the traffic and people are out of the way as opposed to when they’re in the way and I have the sun heating me up but that’s mostly going to be the only times I can ride. I should never have gotten a bike to begin with.

I’m trying to see the good in this and I don’t know, maybe it will prevent me from getting arthritic sooner than I might have because of the forced lack of activity.

The Midnite is worthless. Besides, there’s really no point in knocking me out if I’m just going to be woken up anyway, is there? All I can do is wait till I’m back on nights and then I should sleep better for a week or so.

TUESDAY, JUNE 19, 2018
Tom had his appointment today with my ENT and was as impressed with her as I knew he would be. Best ENT ever. She doesn’t think he’s got an ear infection, though. She thinks he had some kind of virus which he’s still suffering the effects of so she prescribed two weeks of Prednisone for him. Poor guy! He’s a lot braver than I am and he’s not scared or anything like that but oral steroids definitely have their side effects. I took them in my twenties back when I was a smoker. Jitteriness, insomnia, insane hunger, water retention… I remember well. Tammy has had to take them as well. Once I cared enough about my health to choose life over cigarettes, I haven’t needed them since. I’ve only been on antibiotics once in over two decades and that was for a tooth infection.

Anyway, this part wouldn’t necessarily scare me but I would be a bit nervous. He has to go for an MRI and they’re going to insert an IV with some chemical to make it easier to see. I’ve seen videos of MRI scans on YouTube and I know they’re insanely loud and you have to be really careful when it comes to magnets.

After the MRI he’ll have a follow-up with the ENT in a few weeks but isn’t sure yet if he’s going to stay with this Medical Group. It isn’t so much that the doctors screwed up but the group as a whole did. He did get some hearing back so it’s doubtful that he has a tumor which is what the MRI is going to look for, but had the Medical Group done its fucking job when it should have, he may have been able to recover all his hearing. At this point, it’s unlikely he’ll recover anymore.

Our ENT said that it could happen in the other ear and that he needs to call her right away if it does.

Anyway, she gave him a steroid injection in the bad ear and cleaned a little wax out of both ears for him. I’m glad I mentioned him to her when I saw her and I’m truly grateful to her for seeing him. :)

Sure enough, loud traffic woke me up a few hours after crashing and I took one of those Midnite sleep aids Aly recommended. It still took me an hour to fall back asleep and I’m tired today but I think it’s more because my sleep was disturbed than because of the stuff itself.

When I got up, Tom wasn’t in the house. I looked outside and saw him talking to the Twenties. They had some kind of decorative rocks or bricks delivered and the fiber-optics people worked further down the street behind the house. Tom suspects they’re going to hit the circle tomorrow. I just wish this fucking loud vehicle craze would stop already! I’m really REALLY tired of having my sleep stolen and my peace ruined. Even at night, it’s not always quiet. Not when the planes get to flying around like crazy. But it seems there’s always, always something. This is easily one of the noisiest places I’ve ever lived in. Oh, how I miss country living at times!

Becky, my VH sister, said her father down in Irvine might be having back surgery and asked how far I was from there. 435 miles, according to Alexa.

A funny joke Jon told Tom today: Why did the cross-eyed teacher get fired?

Because she couldn’t keep her pupils in line.

MONDAY, JUNE 18, 2018
Tom has had on-and-off pain in his ear. Depending on what my ENT does for him will depend on whether or not he stays with Mercy.

Because I don’t believe we can prove or disprove the presence of God, I have considered myself agnostic for quite a while now. However, when I consider the fact that my sleep is so cursed in so many different ways, it sure makes me wonder if there isn’t something out there with a beef against me. I’m not only the lightest sleeper on earth, but I can’t keep a schedule, and sometimes I wake up just because. So why I was up 21 hours and only slept for 6 is beyond me. It’s almost like my schedule is fighting to reset itself like my weight fights to reset itself after I lose a few pounds. So far it looks like the guess his program made half a year ago for what time I’ll be getting up on his birthday is only going to be off by 3-4 hours. It does seem that despite the many sleep disturbances, it all balances out in the end. It will be interesting to see how close the program’s guess is for my birthday!

Even though I was tired when I got up, I was just as tired of not having the energy to work out, so being one who likes regular fresh air and doesn’t like to keep still for long, I decided to go for a quick walk shortly after 7 PM. There’s a house for sale just around the corner on Blucher and I couldn’t help but wish we could trade places with it. Even though it’s not a corner house, it’s off the main street and two sides of it are very private because it backs up against high retaining walls and there’s also some vegetation back there that makes it more private.

Said hello to Mr. 20s on the way back and it seems the park activity is starting to get to him as well. He said he thinks of me every time they’re doing something because he knows it’s hard on me when I’m trying to sleep. It’s annoying as fuck when I’m awake but I’d rather that than be woken up. They still haven’t hit the circle yet, so I still have that hanging over my head. It wouldn’t surprise me if I was in for a very rough week because I’m right smack dab on nights now. Then there are the regular loud vehicles and sleeping through them is hit or miss.

He’s annoyed by all the plane and helicopter activity as well. I’m still surprised they can’t hear loud car stereos on the freeway even with new windows because they’re even closer to it, and they’re a few feet higher up. In fact, I know they hear more than I do because he asked if we hear any dogs in here from over the wall and we don’t. Although it’s nothing like when they were in the mainstream, because they’re at the edge of the park, they do hear barking dogs. I’m not the least bit surprised. So they hear more than me and I would be willing to bet that Bob and Virginia hear less than me because they’re not only one house further away from the freeway but they’re a few feet lower than me. Their only negative is that they’re right on the greenbelt. And if I think it’s going to be maddening when they get around to trimming the Cali oak in the center island, I can just imagine how it will be for them, deafer than me or not.

Someone leaves their dog tied to their white picket fence and unattended down on Tandy so I realize we could have a lot worse, including neighbors with motorcycles or that have a fondness for power tools much more than Bob ever did. I know and like Bob and Virginia real well now so I don’t care what they do, and nothing they’ve done has ever woken me up that I know of.

Right now I’m hearing planes and the house diagonally across from us that blasts their TV by their open window for a couple of hours at night. I can hear it if the air cleaner is on low but not on medium.

The walk I took actually perked me up a bit. Exercising can be like sugar… It gives you a burst of energy and then you crash. But to my surprise, I’ve had more energy ever since. Usually, if I wake up tired because I was short of sleep, I stay tired all day.

Don’t want to risk the possibility of me slandering the shit out of you after I’m dead by scheduling future blog posts with all kinds of BS? Then you better not burn me in any kind of a really big way!

Against my better judgment, I ran the black pig’s name along with mine out of curiosity and pulled up the slanderous article the Arizona Republic wrote in March 2001. Only I couldn’t read it. They keep the print microscopic unless you sign up and I wasn’t that curious to read what I knew was a work of pure fiction. The only words I could make out in the headline were “threats,” “hate” and “target.” I could also just make out a picture of the black bitch. There was a thing that lets you search text within the articles, and sure enough, I did hit my name. Where it got really weird is that on Google search results I got something about the TV show I used to really be into, Unsolved Mysteries.

What. The. Fuck?

What the fuck did that show have to do with the case? What, did she just want to get on TV about it or something? And why? To gain sympathy and attention as a “victim?” Because she was proud to bring a white person down and she wanted to show off? Just ran Unsolved Mysteries + my name. Nothing. Hmm… maybe Jodi Arias was connected to that, though I thought the show was done long before she hit the scene.

Again, before all this shit went down I never gave a shit about color. What happened between us was never about race, it was about the way they treated my husband and me. They were the ones who turned it into a racial issue and they were the ones who turned me into a hater. We can’t make anyone love us. We can’t even make anyone like us. But we sure as hell can make people hate us, and that’s exactly what their years of harassment succeeded in accomplishing. But it never was or will be about the color of their skin or where they’re from. It was all about their behavior.

When I think of all they put me through for about 7 years or so, I really hope there is no God. Again, I don’t know if there is one or not but I really hope there isn’t because to think that there could be one that let everything happen that happened is a really scary thought. It really is.

Only Tom, Tammy and Aly are going to know about my little revenge story which is basically reality turned bullshit that is my primary style anyway. It’s a popular style for many writers to take something that actually happened and then turn it into something totally different in the end.

The cells in The OA gave me a great idea for a revenge story where some friends don’t actually exist and I kidnap them, bring them to this “prison” in an abandoned mine and torture the shit out of them. Some I let live so they have to live with the trauma of what I did to them. It’s a very dark story I probably won’t share with anyone while I’m alive. But the more I think about it the more I would be plenty happy to share when I’m gone. Grins wickedly I don’t know who will still be around at that time, but who says I can’t queue up and schedule future posts on Blogger with whatever email addresses I can find embedded into it?

Not only did I lose half a year of my freedom and thousands of dollars but the media is almost as guilty as the freeloaders themselves because they slandered and libeled the shit out of me without even verifying the liars’ stories. At the time it was a little embarrassing because I was forced to interact with people I knew would be reading this shit. I knew that those who knew me best would know better and not judge me for it but still. They could have said I came at them with a knife and it would have been printed, no questions asked, and maybe it was. I don’t know. I never cared to actually read the article(s) because I know it’s a work of fiction.

It’s more than just about my freedom of speech being denied and other things, but about being told what to do in my 30s, like how long I had to be in jail, what I wore, what I ate, what I could do, when I could do it…even after jail before the vindication. That was incredibly humiliating and I still can’t believe I didn’t run. Why did I even go to court to begin with?

So what’s the point of publishing a revenge story if what happened can’t be undone? That is the point… cuz it can’t be undone AND they got away with it while I was made to pay for shit I not only didn’t do but didn’t even know about initially. Also, and as I’ve always said, even if I’d been 100% guilty, I didn’t deserve what I got. I can see a slap on the wrist and maybe some community service for threats, but come on. 90% of the population makes threats at some time or another, and how many of them actually act on them? That’s what my problem has been all along; that I never actually did anything. It was all about what I had to say on account of them instigating me month after month, year after year, and they didn’t want to hear it.

So they’ve got their lies published on me and eventually, I will have lies published on them. And because I’ll be gone there won’t be a damn thing they can do about it and that’s a nice feeling. That’s the whole point for me and in this case, I don’t care if two wrongs don’t make a right. Oh, they could possibly have it taken down, but I would rather the people it’s about see it and then have it taken down than for them not to see it and have it stay up. I’ll never know for sure, but with it out there, there will always be a chance they or someone they know could Google their names and hit it.

I realize that in the end none of the slanderous shit they wrote that people paid money to read ever literally came back to haunt me. It never stopped me from passing background checks for the Oregon property management, Jesse, or here since I was vindicated in the end after all, but that’s not the whole point. The bullshit will still be out there for life, I never received a public apology, and no one wanted to listen to the white girl’s side of the story either. When they came to interview me in jail and I was dumb and naive enough to think they’d actually come to show support, they edited out everything I told them for their “news” report. I told them what actually happened but no one wanted to hear it. I was too white to be heard. The pig may’ve been booted from the force, but I never received a penny of compensation. Ever.

Another thing that’s bothered me is that no one ever defended me to them or doubted them or questioned them in any way. Not only would this have never happened if she was as white as I am and not only are those that claim there’s such a thing as white privilege full of shit and obviously unaware of just how much more rights and protection blacks have, but no one once ever said to her, are you sure you didn’t provoke her to react the way she did? Are you sure you guys were 100% innocent and that it’s all on her? But if our shoes were swapped I would have been questioned like crazy, she would have been defended and made excuses for, and that’s basically what happened anyway. I’m always the one that’s 100% responsible for everything.

What happened can never be undone. There will never be any justice in my case. I get that. I totally do. The point of leaving the story after we’re both gone is so that I will be too dead for my civil rights to be violated once again the way they were 18 years ago for speaking the truth. I am utterly appalled that we as a country, or any country, can throw someone in jail simply for expressing themselves even if it’s not what most people want to hear and even if it really is considered mean or threatening. That’s not as bad as countries that will throw gays in jail or oppress women but it’s still pretty bad that people want to control a natural thing such as speech that is basically everyone’s given birthright. Without the freedom of expression, one can truly go crazy in some ways. They complain that jails and prisons are overcrowded but I think they would find that if they used them for violent offenders that actually deserve to be there, they would have a lot more room.

The way the fucking Mexican bitch said I racially slurred her when she called the cops along with her 15 other house guests, the way the other one put on a dramatic performance in court claiming she had to move twice and being lucky to be alive which was total bullshit, and the way they were automatically believed while I was denied the right to express myself and tell my side of the story (the judge, a complete stranger, made up his mind about me before he even saw me), is almost like a PTSD of a different kind for me. If they think any therapist can undo any emotional damage their actions caused me, they’re pretty damn naïve, even if I may no longer be affected in the ways I was nearly 2 decades ago. While we can’t go round them up and bring them to the set of The OA so we can shave their heads while they parade around naked with no such thing as commissary or visitation rights and have to eat those pellets that were dispensed into the cells, they’re going to be forever slandered too someday, as even if something is taken down or set private, it’s still there forever.

I know some may not get it, and it’s very hard to explain, but it gives me some sense of closure to know that in 20 to 30 years I can do this and I don’t mind waiting that long either. Good things really are worth waiting for. Obviously, if we’re both suddenly killed in a car accident or something like that in the near future the story won’t get published, but this is what I’d like to eventually do because I don’t know what else we could do any more than I knew 10, 15 years ago, yet to do absolutely nothing at all is very hard for me as I would think it would be for most victims of abuse and crimes be it legal abuse and crimes or otherwise. One can only keep silent and do nothing for so long. So this online legacy I’ll leave after I’m gone will give me at least a small sliver of peace of mind, so to speak because I will be presenting it as a true story and all the names are real except for the reporters’ names because I don’t know their names and I’m too lazy to try to find them.

I get that because this happened nearly two decades ago and in another state, most people wouldn’t think to dig up any news articles or even know how since having certain names and keywords would help, and I get that there are obviously no felonies on my record, but these things are still out there somewhere. One day, my blog will be too. If I knew we were going to kill ourselves together or if he suddenly died, I wouldn’t have to schedule anything. I could spread the story around on multiple blogs and then some. So how and when and where it’s going to be distributed is something I probably won’t know for some time to come.

Last night I dreamed of Paula. I visited her in this small but cute house she inherited. I loved the decorative front door.

Later…

Sometimes I’m not sure which is worse, Democrats or Republicans. The Republicans are often hateful towards women and gays and fight to make sure they don’t have a full bag of rights.

On the other hand, they fight harder to protect our borders from illegals, which are usually criminals, from burdening our system even more at the expense of our hard-earned tax dollars.

The Democrats believe more in equality, which is nice, but they tend to be too soft and generous and that can get us taken advantage of.

While I disagree with 99% of what Trump has done, I’m tired of everyone complaining about kids being taken from their parents when their parents should have known better to begin with. If you break the law when you have kids, you may be sent to jail and therefore separated from them. So why is it okay to be separated from them if they rob a bank or kill someone but it’s not okay if they lose them by entering the country illegally, getting whatever freebies they can get, and then carrying on with illegal activity?

If the parents were so worried about their kids and decent parents to begin with, then they should have thought of this first… break the law and you could be separated from your kids. Maybe this will serve as an example of what can happen if you try to bust on over here for free stuff at our expense. The immigration issue is getting worse and worse and we finally need to crack down on it and deal with it for once and for all, even if that means taking drastic measures. Sometimes it takes going to extremes to better things in the long run. Not many seem to agree with me, of course, but you know what? I don’t give a shit. I accept and I’m okay with my opinions, feelings and beliefs not always being within the so-called norm and I also accept and am okay with others who aren’t ok with my opinions, feelings and beliefs.

SUNDAY, JUNE 17, 2018
Okay, time to finish updating my journal while I have the energy and before my sleep is disrupted once again and therefore my energy.

I got caught up last night and slept for about 9 hours. Woke up every hour, sometimes with weird dreams, sometimes just because, but overall I slept well and replenished my energy.

I don’t work out much anymore due to all the sleep disturbances here but my lower back pain was a reminder that I do have to at least work my core. A few dozen ab crunches and back flies each day is a must.

The silicone earplugs don’t block sound any more than the foam earplugs but Tom can use them.

Getting my phone set up similarly to my laptop so I have the option of easily doing the same things on both devices. The only thing that’s much harder to do on the phone is editing documents.

It’s a chilly windy night and you would never believe it was mid-June. I’m wondering if we’re going to be able to use the pool at all this year with the way it’s been so mild. We haven’t had many really hot days.

Although it was a bit of a disaster and it took several hours, the elephant mural is now on the living room wall! We did get some air bubbles and ripples in it, and unfortunately, these old walls have their share of bumps in them that make it look like there are more air bubbles than there actually are. It still looks fantastic, though, despite the imperfections. It sure was a nightmare at times when one of the panels folded over and one sticky side stuck to another.

The average person visits their parents once a week. It’s just my shit luck that one with the loudest car on earth has to visit every single fucking day, sometimes more than once. Who the fuck is that devoted to their parents? They don’t seem to have a job, friends, a significant other, or much of a life. If they’re a lazy loser, then the parents sure are enablers. Instead of feeding the bastard every day, if that’s the reason he’s coming around that often, shouldn’t they put their foot down and tell them to get off their lazy ass, get a job, and get a fucking life? Furthermore, do any of them ever stop to consider for a second just how many of the people here besides me may be annoyed by such a ferociously loud vehicle? Really, this isn’t the place for that kind of shit! To have such rudeness and inconsideration in adult communities is really sad. It’s a prime example of just what the world is coming to. It’s totally depressing to think that I’m going to hear this kind of shit everywhere I go… loud vehicles, car stereos, etc. If the world has gotten this loud in the time I’ve known Tom, I hate to think of how it’s going to be in another 20 years. I just don’t understand why most people don’t seem to mind how loud things have gotten, but obviously they don’t, or else something would have been done about it by now.

Right now it’s the planes I’m hearing. They’re usually an annoyance late at night.

I asked Tammy how often she thinks thunder there would wake up a light sleeper, and while I know it may vary from area to area, how would she say the plane and helicopter situation is there?

I still can’t believe it’s as quiet as she says it is there. I think either we have different definitions of what’s quiet, she’s deafer than she realizes, or she’s incredibly lucky. There are hardly any places left on the planet that are truly quiet. We looked at land in Nevada, and while it’s certainly appealing, with me needing to see doctors as often as I do, it’s just not feasible. Even if he didn’t have a job, when you’re aging and you have health issues, it’s not good to have long drives to doctors.

Tuesday can’t get here fast enough! I really hope my ENT can help him as much as she helped me because he’s been in excruciating pain at times due to his ear, which has got to be infected. It’s been worse the last few weeks. I can’t express just how much I want to go after his doctor and the doctor in Urgent Care that no doubt misdiagnosed him. Especially if they could have saved his hearing if they’d just done their fucking job right to begin with. I am so, so fucking tired of people screwing us over and having absolutely no consequences to pay for it. Just so fucking tired of it.

As Aly and I were discussing the other day, one-sided friendships get old. I always ask certain people how they’re doing. Always. I ask how their appointments go if I know about them in advance, I ask them how they’re feeling, I ask them for updates, but never once do they ask me about my own health and appointments. They wouldn’t even have a clue if I didn’t volunteer the info myself. It’s always all about them. It’s always, “This is what’s going on with me,” and that’s it. Never “This is what’s going on with me. How are you?” No point in volunteering information that people don’t seem to be interested in then.

I suddenly remembered the other night that when I last looked for the black bitch in Arizona quite some time ago, her name failed to come up on Facebook. It then hit me that back then I didn’t know how to see if someone had blocked me. So I checked, and sure enough, she has me blocked. I returned the blocking power.

Now here’s where it gets interesting. To verify that it was indeed her, even though the tiny profile picture seemed to look like her ugly face and her ugly glasses (she’s still pretty thin as drugs will do that to you, though I think it’s safe to say she’s naturally like that), I jumped into Tom’s account and ran her name and found she also blocked his account.

There are quite a few Tom S, so how the hell did she know which one to block? This might prove that she really does have the kinds of connections I always suspected she had. The kind who could unknowingly hack my account to see who I’m connected with and pass that information along. They would somehow have to get around the way Facebook alerts its users about unrecognized browsers but I’m sure they have their ways around various obstacles. She either got the information from the pigs or she went and blocked every Tom S she could find. There are a million ways she could have learned his name including from my blog, but yeah, unless she’s a lucky guesser or blocked everyone with his name, someone gave her information she shouldn’t have access to. What else does she know that she shouldn’t?

I’m pretty surprised she blocked us. For a while there she was leaving the line of communication open no doubt in hopes of building a case against me. But I think that once a “case” was built that she failed to see carried out, it really discouraged her and therefore she would rather not hear from me at all. If it’s not that then she may have blocked us to keep us from going through her friends. Or maybe she still wants the communication but she would prefer it via email, thinking in her mind that the best way to screw me would be if I came at her through email. Well, if he dies first or we die together, I will definitely do my absolute best to reach out to her. Yes, my little Revenge story is going great. For now, I’ve put a mutual block on both our accounts.

Because the sick bitch was on my mind, I ended up dreaming about her. She tried to poison me. We were at some group meeting in someone’s house. I knew who she was and she knew who I was. The only thing is that she didn’t know that I knew who she was. I decided to keep it secret until I could decide what to do about it. I was going to get her ass somehow. I just wanted to catch her off guard and I figured the best way to go about that would be not to tip her off as to what I knew.

So we were all sitting in a circle in the person’s living room when she offered to make me some tea. Out of the corner of my eye, I caught a glimpse of her dumping poison into it before she brought it to me. Again, taking advantage of what she didn’t know, I played dumb by gratefully accepting the tea with a smile yet with no plans to drink it. While it almost saddened me to think she could so easily take my life just for reacting to her bullshit years ago, it also amused me to think of how confused she would be as to why I didn’t die. I thought she had to be incredibly stupid if she thought she could actually poison me and expect to get away with it but then I realized she would probably just race card her way out of it somehow. I’m sure she would, too.

I also dreamed of that fucking car. Yeah, it even haunts me in my sleep. I was looking out a window somewhere, thinking I was hearing it approaching.

Then Tom was sitting on a couch with Andy while my parents were in a nearby room.

In another dream, some little girl broke something of mine in some public place and I was so pissed because the parents wouldn’t do anything about it like apologize and get the brat away from whatever the object was. I had to restrain myself from swatting it away and shouting, “Okay, you’ve done enough damage! Get away.”

The last dream was the most vivid. I was in some kind of group home or something like that which had to do with those that were recovering from traumatic experiences. I was still with Tom, of course. I was just staying there for a few nights as part of my PTSD therapy. I think I may have been there a few times as that was part of the therapy routine.

I was running a hand along a soft mattress or blanket I sat on that was really fluffy and it seemed like for a minute it was outdoors because I had the fleeting thought of a snake popping up out of a hole in the ground nearby.

Then I was inside the house and I walked into a bedroom where about 4 young women were doing their nails and chatting. I apologized, saying I thought that was the bathroom.

Then I was talking to a young girl with short, straight sandy hair who was sitting in the middle of another room. I guess she wanted me to be her roommate, who was also her bedmate since the rooms had one double bed instead of multiple twin beds because she felt more comfortable with me. I seemed to feel comfortable with her as well and definitely wanted to be her roommate for the night. I told (Linda?) that I had a really comfortable blanket or something like that if she wanted me to sleep on the floor.

I thought I’d call Tom later and tell him that I had a decent roommate and all that.

FRIDAY, JUNE 15, 2018
It was a truly shitty 24th anniversary for us. Well, at least for me it was. I couldn’t fall asleep until well after midnight, and then some fucking asshole dumping decorative rocks on Tandy woke me up at 7:15. 7-fucking-15 in the morning! Really, if you can’t keep from being woken up in a retirement community that early in the morning, where can you keep from being woken up that early?

I went back to bed a couple of hours later for a few more hours but I’ve been exhausted ever since, barely able to function and having to do things in spurts. I don’t even know if I’ll finish this entry tonight but if not I’ll finish, edit and post it tomorrow. That is if they’ll let me fucking sleep next time around and I have the energy to do so. It’s looking like the Melatonin has lost its magic, however, and I’m going to be up well past midnight again just to be woken up in 3 or 4 hours. Aly recommended other OTC remedies so I’ll keep those in mind. But the fiber-optics people don’t take weekends off and they start before 8. Even if they don’t do this area tomorrow, being on a main street close to one of the gates, they’re probably going to roar past the place in their big old trucks. If not, it will just be something else.

They sent a letter a few days ago saying that within two weeks they’ll be doing our area and will send a text alert 24 hours in advance of when they plan to turn our Wi-Fi off anywhere from 4 to 8 hours. Well, they’re not doing the circle tomorrow, Saturday. But again, that doesn’t mean they won’t be zooming by real early and multiple times, too. I don’t know why they’re jumping around sporadically and doing various parts of the park but I’m really worried just how much sleep they’re going to end up depriving me of before they finally wrap it up. I’m also worried about how long it will be before the next fucking project is done. I’m so glad I don’t have a job or upcoming appointments because there would be no way to function at work and appointments would definitely be hit-or-miss.

It really sucks because I really wanted to go out today. We were going to go to the Goodwill since we rarely get to go during the week, even though it would probably still be at least somewhat crowded. We were also going to go out to eat. I know Tom appreciated getting to relax at home but I still feel bad.

I was able to do a few loads of laundry and the grocery list but I had to do it in spurts and take breaks in between.

He got the baseboards that we’re going to put in the hall to cover the unpainted areas. He was afraid to paint too low and risk getting paint on the carpet. The white adhesive baseboards will look nice.

He also put a new weather guard strip on the bedroom door to keep it from flopping closed.

Although I know it won’t do me any good, we’ve got some silicone earplugs on the way. Well, there are three different kinds actually. Silicone earplugs, which I’ve never heard of, foam earplugs, and something else. Tom can at least use them if they don’t do me any good to block the distortion in his bad ear. The hearing test he had shows he’s lost significant hearing. If he can’t get it back his only option may be to put an earplug in that ear to block out the distortion.

I was thinking how out of the three houses we’ve owned together, I have slept worse and worse in each one. Maybe a fourth move is a bad idea because if I sleep any worse than this I could very well end up being pretty sick. I don’t know that I’d want to have thunder, which I think would be pretty frequent in Florida, adding to the wake-up calls along with today’s ferocious traffic. As Tom pointed out, modern garbage trucks are louder these days due to the way they dump trash. Life just keeps getting louder but the only way to escape it is to rent some dumpy trailer in the woods or have enough money to buy land. Maybe we should check into land in Nevada when he retires.

After all these years I realize I’m never going to be allowed the luxury of sleeping well most of the time. It’s just not in my cards. Totally wasn’t meant to be any more than I was meant to have brown eyes. Why my sleep is so cursed I do not know. I just know that it’s so fucking frustrating because when I don’t get enough sleep I’m pretty useless. It isn’t much different than being drunk. How productive can a drunk be? I can’t think straight, I can’t function normally, I can’t work out but once or twice a week, and I pretty much can’t do anything consistently, especially since living here. Why go to CampNaNoWriMo? As I told Aly, there are just too many damn distractions here. On top of that, I’m woken up once or twice a week and that leaves me tired. I just can’t be consistent with things like that or with exercising. I keep hoping that one day I’ll adapt and learn to sleep through the noise of the loud vehicles, but that day never comes. I don’t understand why I’m still such a light sleeper all these years later but I am.

Anyway, if it weren’t for my phone and having speech-to-text, I wouldn’t even have this entry written. It’s much easier to edit on my laptop but I don’t have that much energy now so it will be edited and published tomorrow assuming I’m awake enough to do so I’ll backdate it to the appropriate date too.

THURSDAY, JUNE 14, 2018
Tammy said she’s having many tests done and that her new pulmonologist thinks she has sarcoidosis which is why she has issues with her lymph nodes. I thought this was determined years ago, though, and that she was up for a lung transplant. Or maybe they delayed it because she still smokes?

The info I looked up on sarcoidosis was contradicting. It says the average person dies 10 years after the onset of it, but then it says that many people with it live normal lives. She sounded fantastic the last time I heard her and she’s pulled through so much shit before that I don’t doubt that she’ll get through this as well.

Tom is on his way to the audiologist now and will be seeing my ENT next Tuesday.

Meanwhile, thank God for melatonin! No, I’m still agnostic so don’t read anything into that popular figure of speech, but yeah, I appreciate how it has delayed my schedule from rolling because the fiber-optics chaos has entered the circle. It’s right at the opening of it which is where our house is. I’m guessing they’ll spend the next week going around the circle which means I’ve got to hold my schedule as long as I can. There’s no cure for this type of sleep disorder so there’s only so long I can delay the inevitable jump in time, but let’s just say I was glad I got up at nine like I did this morning. Had I not taken the melatonin like I have these last four or five nights, I would normally be getting up in the mid-afternoon by now which means they would have woken me up just a few hours after crashing.

Anyway, I hear a whole symphony of jackhammers, saws, and something that runs loud and steady and almost sounds like a vacuum but not quite. The Internet went down hard for a while earlier.

Kind of tired today even though I slept long enough. Between my schedule and the hot weather, I haven’t been bike riding. In fact, I’ve been lazy overall and haven’t really done much working out indoors either. Sure have been on a roll with one of my stories, though.

Camp NaNoWriMo runs again in July but I’m not sure if I’m going to do it or not. It will depend on how far I get with the stories I’m working on now. I have enough writing projects at the moment.

OMG, banners with text messages popping up while I’m trying to work in Google Docs are driving me crazy! Totally disrupts my train of thought when I’m trying to write there, so hopefully the adjustments I made will stop that. Why is it that every time I go to write, people are blowing up my phone? LOL

Last night I dreamed I was in this large hospital room. It was rectangular in shape with rows of beds on both sides. I was in one of the beds and woke up to see about three cops smoking cigarettes. One of them said, “Should we open the door and air it out?”

“Yes!” several patients said, and I told them they shouldn’t be smoking in a hospital to begin with.

The only other dreams I remember are something about Tom watching people race in a parking lot on some kind of ATV, and then me asking some black guy if that was his needle I just found. He said no in a defensive way, assuming I was talking about a needle used to shoot up drugs.

“It’s a sewing needle,” I said, insulted by his false assumption but not surprised.

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 13, 2018
Melatonin experiment update: The day before yesterday my schedule ended up jumping 3.5 hours. However, I decided to take the melatonin last night at the usual time of 10 p.m. I probably crashed around midnight but couldn’t get out of bed until 9:30. Okay, so I backed it up an hour but why oh why am I still so sleep needy? As long as I sometimes need more than 8 hours of sleep, I’m not going to be able to hold my schedule. If I could need 6 to 8 hours instead of 8 to 10, that may very well be the answer to holding it steady. Until then, the best I can do is slow the roll.

My revenge story is going great and I have officially gone steady with voice blogging on Tumblr. Tumblr is much faster, less glitchy than Bubbly, and has a calendar to make it easier to trace back to earlier posts. The only negative with voice blogging is that it’s not searchable and not as easy to edit.

I decorate the posts with images of nature and animals but they’re tiny compared to those on Bubbly. Another advantage to voice blogging there is that I can set some private if I want to. Not on Bubbly!

We’ve been having some triple-digit days but once again we’re going to be having lows in the low 50s in a few days which doesn’t exactly help the pool being that it’s solar-heated.

I can’t help but think back to the ‘80s and ‘90s and how much I would have loved to have been able to prop myself up comfortably in bed, hold a tiny device before me, speak my mind, and watch the words magically appear on a screen. But I also realize just how much trouble I may have been likely to get into back in my younger days being as dumb and naive as I tended to be back then.

I wonder if Aly is getting ready to dump Kim. She seems to be getting more and more frustrated with her by the day and has often complained to me about her selfishness, repetition and lies and all that stuff. I see the signs. She seems to be in that spot I was in before I let Andy go. She wants to but she isn’t quite there yet as far as being totally ready. I think it’s coming, though. I always figured that day would come, too. I tried to tell her years ago that Kim was anything but a true friend but I knew she wasn’t ready to see and accept that at the time.

While it’s nice to get along and be able to exchange simple pleasantries with Kim, even though I get tired of her repetition and all that shit, I’m not stupid. Kim is anything but a changed woman. She’s still the same hateful, selfish, potentially vindictive person who can do no wrong and who would never admit to or take responsibility for her own actions. I’ve never known her to confess guilt or apologize for anything. She’ll never change either. I think some of it is her own doing and her own fault and part of it is because she was born mentally defunct. It seems like the whole family is screwed up in some way or another and while we know Kim isn’t totally innocent when it comes to the hell her SIL Sara puts her through, we don’t doubt that Sara’s a mean control freak. She seems to dominate and control the whole family and the sense we get is that she doesn’t like Kim. Then why did she marry Carol, Kim’s sister? I’ll be the first to admit I don’t live there and I don’t know these people so I can’t say exactly what the situation is, but I get the sense that Sara is no different than most evil stepfathers. Kim may be Carol’s sister and not her child, but still, she’s someone that she has custody of in the way one would if they were a minor dependent. Sara is the evil stepdad who berates and controls the family, including Carol. So we don’t doubt that they’re probably overly strict with her even if they may believe deep down that they’re helping her. I’m still kind of surprised that Sara doesn’t push to have Kim removed from the household and thrown into a group home, but maybe she likes having her there because she likes to hate, control and dominate her.

Aly’s going through her own family drama but in a different way. Much like my family was/is, they don’t all get along and many of them haven’t been in touch for years. Aly was thinking of going to her grandfather’s funeral in Delaware but is hurt and angry to learn that she isn’t wanted there.

MONDAY, JUNE 11, 2018
Finished watching the second season of 13 Reasons Why and was a little disappointed in the ending. I kind of wanted something big to go down in the end. Don’t read any more of this if you plan to watch it, but when I saw Tyler approach the school with the rifle, I was kind of hoping he would take out Bryce and his cronies. The way it ended suggested there will be a season 3.

I was both surprised and not surprised that the court found for the school. I wasn’t surprised since the school can’t be responsible for what its students do at home, but I was surprised because these days we love to blame everybody but ourselves for our own actions.

Things were different back in the 80s when I attempted suicide, and I agree with my husband who believes that the adults in my life should have been held accountable. Not for what I did but for the circumstances leading up to it. 17-year-olds don’t go throwing themselves out windows for the fun of it.

Many people’s attitudes and false beliefs towards the subject of suicide still surprise and disgust me. Someone recently said that we’re all just a few events away from at least seriously considering it and I totally believe that. I know that if I lost my husband, I wouldn’t want to stick around no matter how much money we may have. To say that good health and happiness are the most important things in life is the understatement of the century! We may have money now but more than likely will be low income upon retirement, and you know what? That’s just fine with me as long as we have each other and we’re happy and healthy. Without that, life is pretty meaningless. At least to me it is.

I get fed up with people saying they don’t understand why celebrities who have it all would “throw it all away” in regards to the celebs that have taken their lives. If you think physical and emotional illnesses discriminate then you’re just as naive as those that believe all lesbians were raped or molested, all Jews are rich, all Hispanics are on welfare, All blacks are gang-affiliated, and every single Muslim wants to kill those who have a different belief system. When I was going through hell physically and emotionally because of the health issues I had, my thoughts were pretty damn dark at times yet I had it all. Love, money, a nice house, etc. Until you’ve truly suffered to such extremes, I don’t think you can understand how it’s possible for some people to end up taking their lives or seriously considering it.

Yet many people still hold these false beliefs when it comes to many different subjects. I don’t think it’s just a matter of them being inexperienced, uneducated or stupid so much as ignorant. If someone really doesn’t want to believe or accept something, they won’t. Human nature has shown that people often deny what they don’t get or don’t like. So despite the science to back it up, along with people’s personal experiences of course, some people are never going to believe that we really are born with our sexuality, be it straight, bi, gay, or pervert. After all, they do say that those who are attracted to children can’t change for a reason; because they were born that way and there’s no changing that. The only thing we can choose is whether or not we actually act on whatever our preference is. Not what that preference is in the first place.

So some people can go on saying, “Oh, but it’s just my opinion,” yet there’s a difference between having an opinion and being incorrect. Anyone can think of or commit suicide if circumstances push them far enough into the dark. No one is exempt no matter how much we may like to think we are.

I’m still waiting for fiber-optic chaos to hit here but so far it’s been way quieter than expected. Other than those few hours last Friday, no one’s been working near the house. But the streets are still marked so I know it’s only a matter of time before they get here. I just hope they do it while I’m awake.

Thanks to Tom, I’m now voice-blogging on Tumblr. I just couldn’t find a convenient way to convert the audio files until he found an application that is simple enough to use. I do have to go through a few more steps than I had to with Bubbly, but at least this site is faster and more reliable. I also like how it has a calendar and I don’t have to keep scrolling and scrolling forever to get back to my earlier posts.

Anyway, the vacation may be over but so is having a messy, cluttered and dusty house. I’ll be cleaning a room or two each day this week and getting things back in shape. We put most of the stuff back in place yesterday so I don’t have much to put away or organize. I just have to clean, especially dust, as my allergies have been a little worse lately.

Trying raw organic apple cider vinegar shots to see if that helps my cholesterol. Before I was using distilled ACV and I’m not sure that’s the one people recommend for lowering cholesterol, among other health benefits. I have my doubts it will help but I’m willing to try most things once.

SUNDAY, JUNE 10, 2018
Last day of vacation and then it’s back to work for both of us. I have mixed emotions about the vacation coming to an end. I loved taking a break from the usual routine even though I normally enjoy the usual routine. I mostly loved having him around more and getting things done in and around the house. However, we didn’t quite get to everything on our list and it will be nice to have some free time to myself. I still work better alone. That way the only distractions come from outside.

We did almost everything except the murals. The painting was a real bitch. We should have just hired someone to do it for us. The murals only take a couple of hours each and there’s no hurry for that. Got the large mermaid sticker up, though. Love it!

He’s out weed-whacking now and I’m sitting here hoping the fiber-optics people will hurry up and do the areas around our house while I’m still on days. I expected to hear them working around us the last couple of days, but while they were in the park, they haven’t been in this area since I first heard and saw them jackhammering holes up the hill.

The loud car has been coming and going like crazy and I’m damn near ready to smash the fucking thing to pieces. Since when do young people visit mommy and daddy 4 times a day on a Saturday? Shouldn’t this cock be hanging out with its friends and hooking up or are they that much of a friendless loser desperate for attention? If I thought sex was in and relationships were out back when I was in my twenties, it seems to be more of the case these days. Not nearly as many people are getting married either and when they do they’re usually well over 30.

Got my bangs trimmed the other day and the lady that did it did a good job, whatever her name was. She said she didn’t know why I was told my bangs were blended because they’re not. She asked if I wanted them to be and I decided to keep them as they are but layer them.

I also got a new pair of running sneakers. Pale pink girls’ Champions in size 4. I wanted something simple that wouldn’t clash with various outfits but that wasn’t dull either like white, tan, navy or gray.

Tom moved the dishwasher over a bit so that the door would be clear of the oven door by busting out the trim around the cabinet door next to it. After he chiseled that out, he replaced the trim. Now you wouldn’t even know he did anything to it unless you really looked hard. There’s still an opening we want to block so that the rats can’t get under and behind the dishwasher even though these rats are probably too fat to get through the hole.

I kept waiting for my long nails to break so I would have an excuse to cut them off but I got tired of waiting, they just wouldn’t break, so I cut them yesterday. It sure makes doing everyday tasks a lot easier with shorter nails.

We got a new weather strip for the bottom of the master bedroom door to keep it from closing halfway. It also helps block light, though it’s low enough that light wouldn’t be much of an issue unless he needed to turn on the hall light at night and I happened to be facing that direction.

I began throwing Mometasone down there and took a baby Benadryl yesterday for allergies that were acting up and ended up being drowsy enough to nap for a little over an hour. I was tired all day yesterday. Last night I took a 2.5 mg strawberry gummy melatonin but it took an hour and a half to knock me out and my schedule jumped an hour. :(

Last night I had a dream that Tom and I were watching a movie. Some parts were spoken in Spanish and he looked at me as if expecting me to interpret but I couldn’t understand a thing.

Then I also had a dream that had to do with Alyssa. I was peering through mostly glass walls into a large long room that she may have either lived in or worked in.

Next thing I know I was running through a building and down a long corridor. I abruptly rounded a corner and either thought I was going to or actually did run into Alyssa. For some reason, I was afraid to do so and turned to run the other way. I thought about leaving her a note in some elevator too, LOL.

In the last dream my purse was stolen twice and twice Tom had to take my picture for my new ID. The second time around I said, “Hang on a minute. Let me put on some red lipstick.”

FRIDAY, JUNE 8, 2018
Slept as badly as I do when I’m on nights and being woken up by traffic, but not feeling that tired. The neck knockers woke me up. What a coincidence that it starts after I go off my diet and have too much sodium. My ear is clean too, so it’s got to be a blood pressure issue. I’m also up a pound, of course. Definitely time to jump back on track! I’ll go easier on the sodium today. We both agreed to hold off on the sugar. We were going to get cookies to bake in our new oven but I don’t want to rehook myself to sugar. It really is that addicting. The more you have, the more you want. Definitely can’t eat like I used to. Things like pizza give me heartburn and too much sodium jacks my blood pressure up, which is normally perfect.

Anyway, the new oven is wonderful! If it was as exciting as it was to see the old heap of shit hauled out of here as one who doesn’t cook very much, I can just imagine how excited a real foodie who cooks a lot would be. This one is so much nicer and things actually work, too. The old one’s timer, clock and self-cleaning function didn’t work at all. Love the convection fan this one has and the center griddle. I also love how the light comes on when you open the door like with a refrigerator, and how you can set it to turn off when it’s done. I missed having an oven that beeps to let me know it’s preheated too, which I haven’t had for 18 years.

I’m going to allow myself just two eggs later on. For the most part, my diet means no bread, no sugar, low sodium, and little to no cholesterol. I feel so much better this way. I still get hungry at times but not as much, and I definitely don’t have the cravings I used to have for various foods, sweet and not. I don’t care that I can’t lose more than a few pounds. It’s all about how I feel that matters, not appearance, though I don’t doubt that I would be even healthier and feel even better if I lost 10 to 20 lbs. Still don’t see that happening, though.

The only thing that sucks is that even though he measured, the dishwasher door hit the oven door handle so one of the installers was kind enough to adjust it for us even if it meant having to throw the dishwasher at a curve. Later we’ll chisel out a section so we can move it over. I would be kind of pissed if this was the house we were going to spend the rest of our lives in.

We’re way behind on the projects we had planned for the vacation but we’ve still been very productive. We have to finish painting the hallway and putting up the murals. Plus, a few other minor things.

The fiber-optics upgrade has begun. It hasn’t been as loud as I expected so far except for the Jackhammer and some kind of pump they were using. I thought they were going to dig trenches throughout the entire park but it looks like they might do a similar tactic to what they did when they replaced the irrigation system. They just drill scattered holes and run conduits through them from hole to hole. I thought they were starting just up the hill here but Tom saw them way down at the other end of the park. I guess they work till sundown. They still haven’t gone around the circle yet which they’ve got marked, including one of the steps to our patio. Hopefully, they’ll be kind enough to wash that off when they’re done. Real early this morning the connection was as erratic as Auburn. Thinking of getting some melatonin to help keep me on days as long as possible. Tammy said it should take about a week because they did her place a couple of years ago.

I love being on vacation but I definitely don’t like the lack of alone time I’m getting, especially since we’re on identical schedules. It’s kind of throwing me off my routine and I’ve been neglecting my exercising as well as my writing and pretty much everything. But it’s great to have him around more often and to break up my usual routine and do things we don’t normally do. We’ve been going out almost every day.

So we got Sims 4 and my first thought was OMG, this is way too complicated! Let’s return it! Yet while it is a very complex game and there is so much to learn, it is kind of fun creating Sims. He’s been having some fun playing the game and building the Sims’ houses and finding them jobs and stuff like that. A couple of Sims I created lit themselves on fire while cooking, though, LOL. So I’m making the Sims and he’s giving them lives. There’s an automatic feature where you can watch them live out their lives on their own and help them with whatever along the way.

It’s pretty amazing how you can literally build them from scratch and design everything from the shape of their face, ears, facial features, body shape, etc., and not just their skin tone, hair and eye color. I’m gonna see if I can create Sims based on characters in some of my books. I also got the Cat & Dog expansion so I gave one of my characters the Basenji we hope to one day have. So far I have created both genders, though mostly females, in all kinds of shapes, colors and sizes, including a couple of funky-looking characters with pink hair and another with blue ponytails. I will have a collection of singles, couples, and families, gay and straight.

Last night I dreamed I told Tom that we better hurry up and get going with riding our bikes to this restaurant we planned to ride to or else we would end up freezing. Yeah, I’ve been doing enough of that in the early mornings here. Really sick of cold climates!

Then I told him in another dream I was afraid we would only be able to afford dumps and he said that might be the case.

In the last dream, we were renting an apartment and the landlord came to replace something on the kitchen sink while Tom slept. I guess we had been there a year or so because the guy said it was so nice to finally meet me and that he had been wondering who we were for so many months.

TUESDAY, JUNE 5, 2018
Time to finally get caught up on all that’s been going on. I’ve now gotten my appointments out of the way and all my test results are back. The results range from great to mildly shitty to super shitty.

I was surprised to find Doc A had old-fashioned braces on. I always thought she had a nice even, white smile, and why someone would get braces in their 40s and the old-fashioned kind when they can probably afford the less noticeable kind, is beyond me.

Anyway, I updated her on the last half a year and presented my research to her. She finally seems to believe what I’m saying even if she doesn’t get it. I think it’s tough for a lot of people to really understand without going through it themselves. But as I told her, I had no history of anxiety prior to going on this medication. I’ve suffered all kinds of stress in the past if something bad was going on in my life, but not this particular kind of anxiety which is by far the worst thing I ever felt in my life. I explained how it comes and goes and that I believe that I’m not just sensitive to the medication but that when I have T3 flares, it seems to make things worse. I asked her about Liothyronine and Armour and she said what I was afraid she might say… that I would have to return to Doc O to ask her about those drugs.

After thinking about it I decided I’d rather not do that because I believe she would have mentioned these alternatives if she thought they were better for me. And this is a doctor who has never doubted me and always believed, known and understood that this medication can cause anxiety for some people. She’s the first doctor I ever saw who actually told me what was going on and didn’t brush it off as simple anxiety.

Like I told my PCP, I never could believe that a 48-year-old, which I was when it all started would suddenly up and become anxious for no reason at all. I could always tell that it was a chemical/physiological effect and not some sudden medical disorder or anything else. Furthermore, my estrogen levels now appear to be in the postmenopausal range, yes!!! This explains why a lot of the perimenopause symptoms have backed off. It also proves even more that I’m right about the medication being the culprit in making me anxious. The only thing I don’t get is why it comes and goes but I suspect it has to do with when I’m flaring, as Doc O pointed out. As long as my TSH doesn’t get in the single digits, then I don’t notice flares like I do when it gets lower. I thought my TSH would be around 10 or 11 and Tom guessed 15 or 16. He was right. It’s a 16 but I feel fantastic between 10 and 16. I can go down to about an 8, though, and I know it will push back down there soon enough because I don’t have a schedule in which I skip periodically or on certain days. I don’t skip until I absolutely feel the need to depending on anxiety levels. If I’m not anxious then I won’t skip. I thought about taking preventative measures and doing automatic skips but then decided that if I feel okay, why not take my meds? But yeah, eventually it’ll push back down again, I’ll flare, I’ll get anxious, and I’ll have to skip. So it may be something I’ll have to adjust like that as needed for the rest of my life and just go by how I feel.

T3 and T4 are normal.

The worst numbers were my cholesterol numbers. Some of them were normal but some were very high, so the ACV shots haven’t helped with that. However, they may be helping with my weight. It’s a little too soon to say for sure but it is down… without going thyrotoxic. So we’ll see. I’m also doing acupuncture for hunger as well as for anxiety in more depth than I had before. It really seems to help.

Since revamping my diet and cutting out sugar and going low-sodium, my blood pressure has improved tremendously and it was perfect!

At the end of the appointment, I did decide to mention the suspicious red spot on my shoulder blade and I guess it’s a good thing I did because the doctor quickly decided it was a precancerous lesion that needed to be sprayed with liquid nitrogen. I thought it would hurt but it actually felt like someone was spraying an aerosol can on my back that could have been air freshener or something. I haven’t had any pain or burning so much as I’ve had some itching. I took a Zyrtec for it before bed last night. So all I have to do for now is keep a bandaid on the spot on my back until it heals. I guess it will flake off in time, but I can take it off in the shower, she said.

Anyway, back to the anxiety. As I told her, I don’t want to take psych meds that also have side effects and that can stop working in time, and she’s okay with me using natural remedies for those anxious moments like teas and valerian root. Since things do change with time and age, I’m hoping my body will continue to get used to the medication and that I’ll have fewer anxious moments as I age and am on the medication longer. I asked her about valerian root and she said that would be fine and some people take that before bed to help them sleep.

This morning I saw my ENT who was quite chipper, and the first thing she said was about how bright and colorful I was. LOL, I usually am. I’m addicted to bright colors. I’m in citrus colors right now. An orange and yellow pantsuit my parents sent in their final year or two of life. Despite the millions of things I disliked about them, I definitely did appreciate them bailing us out of the streets 11 years ago and for sending clothes when we were broke. Clothes just weren’t a high priority for me back then anyway and I could practically carry my whole wardrobe in one arm.

So yeah, what I’m wearing is stylish and colorful yet casual and comfortable. Not sure it’s something I would have worn in my twenties, though. I was more of a mini-skirt kind of person back then.

So my ENT checked my good ear and said it looked perfect and that my bad ear wasn’t too bad. It only took her 30 seconds to clean it out. On my way out I mentioned Tom having trouble getting someone to see him about his ear. His regular PCP wouldn’t see him right away, plus he called the insurance and the patient advocate people, etc. She said she’d see him after he had a hearing test. She’s an awesome doctor so he would be in good hands. The mouthguard she recommended for my TMJ, which no one correctly diagnosed until I saw her, has helped my TMJ pain tremendously. :)

He just made an appt with the audiologist for the 14th. Anyway, now I’m appointment-free for the next 3.5 months until I see my dentist in September! Yay!

I’ve been noticing lately that it takes longer for me to pee. Just when I think I’m done, there’s a little more that trickles out a few seconds later. I guess that’s part of aging, though. Tom said he noticed this began with him about five years ago.

We haven’t gotten to the painting and the murals yet but we’ve prepped the walls and installed the new and very beautiful hall light. Not sure I would want it in a room that I use regularly because LEDs are so bright and it doesn’t have a solid cover. We don’t like globes, though, because bugs get in them.

When a fellow PBer shared screenshots of their Sims game, I thought it looked interesting and like something I may like so I went and bought Sims 4, plus their cat and dog package. I’ve heard of it before and I know it’s been around for many years but never really gave it much thought in the past. However, the more I checked into it by watching a YouTube tutorial, the more it seemed like something my creative and artistic side may like. Just barely got my feet wet with it, though, and it seems like a very complex game. I have a lot to learn yet, though I can tell it’s going to be fun creating all these different characters and giving them all kinds of identities and things to do. So far I’ve created one Sim and “Tonya” is looking good!

As for my two cents about the Colorado Baker who refused to do business with the gay couple, I’m mixed on that one. One should have the right to pick and choose their own customers but at the same time, I still believe that discrimination is wrong. I also believe that had the couple been black or Muslim, the Supreme Court would never have sided with him and he would be up shit’s creek. It doesn’t seem to matter that gays have never caused the kinds of trouble other groups have caused. Not every gay person is a saint but they still seem to be the most hated group of people despite doing nothing but fighting for the same basic human rights everyone else has. It’s pretty fucked up if you ask me. I still don’t see the harm in two consenting adults loving each other and I don’t think body parts should matter any more than hair or eye color. All that should matter is that the people are of age and no one is forced to do anything they don’t want to do.

When I read that they’re going to eliminate the swimsuit competition from the Miss America pageant, I thought, yeah right. Like they’re going to have contestants that are 200+ pounds if she’s a wonderful person who’s intelligent and charitable! That may be the way it should be, but society is still too obsessed with appearance for me to believe it. Why show it on TV then? I thought one of the reasons it was shown on TV was so people could check out all the different colors and styles of swimwear and evening gowns and all that.

The only dream I remember having recently wasn’t very good. It involved the black welfare bums. I guess they were taking me to court again. What was weird was that the four of us were waiting for the “case” to be heard somewhere and the black cock looked up at the sky as if trying to lighten the mood and said, “Wow, I’ve never seen two (some kind of bird?) before.”

I looked up and saw two identical cloud formations in the shape of a bird face. I asked Tom what it was and he said a (?) was a type of bird.

The black bitch said nothing the whole time and never even looked at me.

SUNDAY, JUNE 3, 2018
After yesterday’s long fast, I went to the lab which took an hour. We got there right before it opened and there was already a long line of people waiting to get in. According to the card I held when they gave me papers to take into the vampire’s area, I was the 19th patient. That chick from Ukraine drew my blood. Three vials of it.

Aly said she’s in and out in less than 10 minutes. Lucky her and for the fact that Nebraska has a lot fewer people than Cali.

At home I signed up for getting results online directly from the lab, thinking they would be available as soon as they had the numbers, but then I read that California and Oregon require doctors to discuss results with patients first, so it ended up being a waste of time.

I really like the new moon sticker. It definitely glows in the dark.

Weight’s now down to 153.4 but still not expecting to lose more than another pound or two. This low-cal vegan diet has been easier than expected, though, and I’m not having cravings like crazy as I would think I would have after doing this for a week. Acupuncturing my hunger away really does help, too. The reason I threw myself on this diet last week was for labs and weigh-ins at doctor visits but maybe I’ll keep it going a while longer. I feel great this way so long as I can sleep well enough and aren’t anxious, and I know it’s healthier for me. The only thing that sucks is knowing that since I quit smoking young, have been active most of my life and never got obese, I could make it to my 90s. Not a thrilling thought with a hubby 8 years older, LOL.

I forgot my Sleepytime tea before bed and a loud plane woke me up which Tom confirmed did indeed fly by. I’m sick of all the plane activity around here. It’s bad enough with the constant buzzing of the ones I can drown out with fans and air cleaners, but now they’re getting close enough to wake me up. :-(

I was so frustrated for a bit on Friday afternoon when I received a call from my doctor’s office saying they were looking for my labs. They called on the 1st and I planned to go on the 2nd which was yesterday. I reminded them of this too, that I was told to go after the first. From now on I won’t schedule an appointment so close to when I go to the lab, and I still don’t know if I’m going to continue seeing this doctor anyway. More than likely we’re both going to get doctors closer to home.

Anyway, the nurse said they would pass my info along and call back if the doctor wanted to bump my appointment up to a later date. At that point, I jumped on the portal and explained the situation to the doctor and gave her a heads-up on wanting my medication changed. My only concern is that she might send me back to my endo and I definitely don’t want to see her! She may be very knowledgeable, but she’s a bit of a witch and traffic and parking is a total nightmare in downtown Sacramento. Still, I’ll do whatever it takes to avoid these intermittent spells of anxiety. Yesterday I was great. No anxiety, no lightheadedness. Feeling good so far today too, save for some burning around my pussy hole. About 6 weeks after returning to my old brand of poison, the lightheadedness backed off. Connection or coincidence? I may never know for sure.

So when I got up yesterday morning I found that the doctor replied just minutes later asking that I please keep my Monday appointment. That was the idea all along. :-)

For now, 1 out of the 3 health-related hassles I’ll have this week are out of the way.

Other than going to the lab and doing the grocery list for this morning and checking paint supplies in preparation for whiting out the “Pepto-Bismol” hallway that even I can’t stand, we lazed around yesterday. Hey, we’re on vacation now. We deserve it.

We have tons of plans for the next week and today we’ll probably paint the hallway after going grocery shopping, just not the section where the mural is going in a few days. The mural is 12 ft long and the hallway is a little more than that so it will really cut down what we have to paint.

Last night I dreamed about visiting Tammy. She was sitting on the couch in her living room with the TV on and I said, “Mind if I get up and do some stretching exercises while we chat? Sitting still is incredibly boring, overrated, and not very healthy for those of us who have a choice.”

She nodded and then she received a phone call and ended up chatting with her caller while I did these weird exercises I’ve never done in real life, LOL.

In another dream, I was telling someone that I didn’t drive, made $400 a month, missed the country, and noticed that Bob and Virginia, who keep their trees and plants in great shape, needed to do some serious trimming.

Then Tom and I were in our living room doing something and I said, “Did you just see or hear someone?”

He nodded and said both, and I thought I saw shadows shifting beyond the blinds through the window by the door. The blinds were raised a few inches and I peered out underneath them and saw some people milling about.

Later…

It’s been a very busy day so I’m just kicking back now and relaxing.

We went out early and did the grocery shopping, and then came back we prepped the walls for the murals. The hallway wall where the forest is going and the living room wall where the elephant sitting in the ocean is going.

On the way back we saw the cable workers marking the roads. I totally dread this latest project! I wonder how many more there will be while we still live here, too. Meanwhile, it’s just a question of when they’ll be working within earshot of our place, how long, and what my schedule will be. I would rather be annoyed by noise while awake than woken up by it.

Today I’ve heard the usual mix of landscaping, traffic and planes. That loud car visits every day, sometimes multiple times, and at that rate it may as well just live here.

The bathroom floor sticker arrived and it’s great quality but the image itself is nothing spectacular. It’s not quite as clear as it could be but it’s still very nice. This sticker is thicker and has a non-slip surface so it will definitely last longer than the other one.

This morning we ordered this gorgeous hallway light fixture that will be delivered today, and while the dangly crystal light is beautiful, it would be nice if our stuff would stop breaking. Everything is starting to get old!

Swapped texts with Aly like I do almost every day and she’s beginning to wonder if Kim is brushing her off because she’s always coming up with these lame excuses as to why she can’t be around. Well, as I told her, we both know Kim’s a horrible liar. Way worse than Molly ever was.

FRIDAY, JUNE 1, 2018
I’m officially done with Bubbly as I’m sick of the constant glitches. The site also runs horribly slow. Having gotten used to voice blogging as well as text blogging, I’m going to either use my phone’s recorder and send copies to my email address that I’ll save in a folder there or I’ll use the app that I found the other day. I kind of like the idea of storing my audio posts on someone else’s server instead of my computer because they do take up more space than text. However, if they’re with me they’re safer since any site can shut down at any time.

No one will be able to hear these posts which I have mixed emotions about. For the most part, I’d rather talk to myself privately, LOL. I can be more open that way and use real names and locations and still respect people’s privacy.

It’s June yet it’s 68° inside the house. It does not feel like June at all! Nonetheless, we’re looking forward to the nine days he has off after today and to the home improvements we hope to accomplish in that time. Busy month ahead… Labs tomorrow, PCP Monday, ENT Tuesday, 24th anniversary on the 15th, his 61st birthday on the 28th.

We ordered more Amberen for me as well as inner tubes for my bike since Tom noticed the back tire was flat yesterday. Apparently, when it was manufactured, the inner tube had a big defect in it with a large tear. I wonder if that’s why it didn’t ride quite as smoothly as the other one. The slime he put in the tires kept it up for a while but it’s possible that the front tire will go flat as well.

While making the order I grabbed three new stickers. A 3D fishpond sticker for the bathroom, a giant mermaid for the section of wall under the thermostat, and a moon that glows in the dark for by the front door.

Tom isn’t getting anywhere with our Medical Group so he’s going to contact the Patient Advocate Foundation and probably go with Sutter. We know they can be incompetent as well but at least they’ll see him. They better anyway! As he said, any civilized Medical Group wouldn’t tell him he had to wait 2 weeks like his dumbass doctor did for sudden deafness.

We went out walking before he went to work and noticed all the little markings once again in the road like they had when replacing the irrigation system so I’m guessing they are going to go ahead and do the fiber optics upgrade after all. I know I’ve said it a million times before but I can’t express just how sick I am of this place and the constant projects. The traffic, landscaping and planes are bad enough. Yet we can’t even go one fucking week without something going on here, and again, if you can’t get peace in a retirement community, where can you get it?

Although I don’t think my little red spot is anything to be concerned with, it does seem a little strange that it suddenly popped up out of nowhere a couple of months or so ago. Maybe it’s been there longer than I realized, I don’t know. I know it could be cancerous, but my gut feeling says it’s nothing. Same for the strange scaly dry patches. I have about four or five of those that also mysteriously appeared around the same time. I thought they were just dry patches of skin but I don’t think so. I’ve been moisturizing the hell out of them and they still feel the same. Even so, I don’t know if I’ll have time to mention it to my doctor because I have more pressing issues to address like my medication. That’s more important than minor skin blemishes that don’t annoy me nearly as much as my LP. One of my followers said that her friend’s mother noticed a spot under her eye which she ignored till a year later when they ended up having to remove part of her cheek and nose. I get that anything’s possible, but right now I just don’t think it’s anything serious.

The only other reason I may hesitate to bring it up is that I’ve had enough. The last thing I need is yet another health issue to concern myself with.

Actually, there’s just one more reason. The one that’s going to sound crazy which is why I’ll keep this private. Maybe a tiny part of me hopes it’s something deadly as that’s my ticket out of having to grow old and suffer any more shit in life. But if I’m right about not being meant to die young so as to be tortured by life for longer, then it’s definitely not cancerous.

Okay, that’s the fourth morning in a row that I’ve heard this really loud plane that may possibly be a military plane fly over the place right before 7:30. It is fucking loud as hell! The regular planes may be annoying but they can be drowned out. This one could wake me up if it makes a regular habit of flying by that loud every single fucking day. Why does the world get noisier and noisier every fucking year?

So last night I had two very long and detailed dreams. In one of them, I was at my dentist and the place was huge. It looked nothing like it really does and there were tons of plants everywhere. It seemed like I was there more for a social call than for just getting a check-up.

At one point the dentist opened the door, stuck her head out and said, “Jodi, we’re having (some kind of food), do you want some?”

I started to decline and then she convinced me to have a little.

Afterward, I walked by a room with double bunk beds in it. The doctor’s daughter sat on the top of one of them and waved to me as I passed by.

Then I was nannying for this Muslim couple’s baby boy in the other dream. I was riding in their car with them. The woman was driving with the baby next to her while I sat and back with her husband. The husband made a call and wanted me to hear it ringing for some reason, and I noticed that he knew I was deaf in the ear he was closest to and reached around to place the phone against my good ear. When I mentioned this they both admitted they had noticed my bad ear. I wasn’t happy that it was noticeable but I appreciated their honesty.

Then I started to ask them if they’d been to certain countries. I was most curious to know if they’d been to Israel to get a sense of their attitude towards Jews. They didn’t say anything specifically against them but that they hadn’t been there in a way that suggested they wouldn’t feel safe there.

Lastly, I was unwrapping a round object at their place that was wrapped in plastic, then burst out laughing when I saw it was a plastic ball and said I thought it was a head of lettuce.