December 2017 in 2010s

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 31, 2017
We’ve been having highs of around 62° and lows of around 36°. Very wintry at night and almost springlike in the afternoon. November was wet but we only had a few hours of rain, if even that, in December.

The peel-off nail polish is awesome. The colors are a lot bolder than I thought they would be, especially the ones without glitter. The ones with glitter look more like shimmer or frost than they do sparkly and they come off easier, too. I don’t even have to peel those off. They come off on their own in the shower. It’s a great way to conveniently change colors every day, but not the way to go if you want something long-lasting.

For the first time since we got the Caddy, we changed its tires yesterday for $377 at Sam’s. This will be the last time we change the tires on this luxurious and comfortable but 15-year-old car.

Haha, it’s so cute how the rats run home when they hear me opening their container of treats.

While we were at Sam’s waiting for the tires to be done, we picked up a few things. I got a Crest whitening strips kit and a roasted chicken. For some reason, I’d been craving roasted chicken for nearly a week. I guess that’s what I get for trying to go vegan or close enough to it. I haven’t cut out meat completely but I’ve cut out a lot of it. Tom’s gone vegan too, but he’s doing it for his weight while I’m doing it for my cholesterol.

We also got some toothbrush heads for our electric toothbrushes and he got some eyedrops.

When we returned home we didn’t do much for the rest of the day but we did order some stuff on Amazon. The Roomba needed a new battery, plus I got a cheap, single-burner warming plate for when I buy things like roasted chickens to feast on all day. Congealed meat is gross and I hate leftovers, so this would be ideal for things like that.

I also got material to make hammocks for the rats, and clip-on earrings to see if I can wear earrings this way without them appearing lopsided.

Made a list of topics to choose at random to talk about on that voice blogging site I love despite how dead and slow it is when I can’t think of anything I want to say that’s presently going on. I discuss a mix of positive and negative people, places and experiences I’ve had throughout my life.

After picking up our groceries, Tom will be working on the spark rail on the car, but the day will otherwise be spent in leisure… watching Murderous Affairs on Netflix, listening to my audiobook, coloring, and checking in with friends on Twitter.

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 30, 2017
So I go to check out my journal notes and this is what I see: hey there just thought it would say hi I don’t know if this is coming out so you have to let me know I plan back on my phone and I could hear it but it sounded rather soft so let me know how it sounds to you K bye-bye actually it sounded a lot better as long as I held the phone close to me anyway I don’t want to pester you with too many messages but I did promise I recall or leave a voice message of sometimes so here I am I hope that you’re doing better and that you said you had an appointment yesterday really hope that went well and that things are going to be looking up for you hey take care detective

That’s what I get for leaving speech-to-text running while I was leaving my message, LOL. At least it got most of what I was saying!

Was actually having fun sending several people voice messages on Facebook Messenger, and then I got an appointment reminder from the hematologist on the second. Even though I’m 110% sure I don’t have cancer, there was something rather chilling about getting a call from the San Juan Cancer Center. Just hearing that put the chill in me.

Although it runs horribly slow, is glitchy, and the webmaster or host will probably shut it down sooner or later because it’s been abandoned, I’ve been addicted to Bubbly. A part of me wishes I didn’t mention it to Kim and Aly so I could feel like I have more freedom with what I say. But then neither of them seemed the least bit interested in following me there anyway, according to the number of listens my posts have gotten. So unless there’s a way to get around that, I’m not worried about it. I would like it a lot less if Tammy and Marie knew about it.

Soon I plan to make a list of topics and draw from them randomly when I don’t have anything to discuss that’s going on in the present. I love decorating the posts with nature and animal pics.

Although the guy was two hours late, the power steering hose is now fixed. Tom picked up some bulk items at Sam’s yesterday like wet wipes and paper towels as well as food items for himself but wasn’t able to get the tires changed because they were booked up. He made an appointment to get that done tomorrow morning at 8 o’clock at Sam’s. I’m going to go with him and browse around while they’re changing them. We’ll get our groceries on Sunday instead.

Today I’m expecting my blueberry coffee, my X-rated coloring book, and the thing I’m looking forward to trying the most. That would be that kids’ sparkly nail polish that peels off. I’m really curious to see what that’s like. It comes in 18 different colors but since it’s kids’ stuff and it was cheap it’s probably little more than glitter in clear nail polish. There’s probably more color in the bottle than what will appear on my nails. But we’ll see! I just don’t know if it will be delivered before I crash at around 2 PM.

We need to order Roomba a new battery. We talked about getting a newer Roomba but we have enough going on right now in the way of expenses so we’ll probably just get a battery but this will be the last one. Then we’ll upgrade.

I’ll also be getting the rats what they call fat quarters to make hammocks out of. It’s material used for quilting and it’s much cheaper this way. I can get 8 hammocks out of $14. The material I chose is pretty too. Pretty floral designs.

I told Eileen that there was something she could do that would mean a lot more to me than her sending money for the incense and that was to buy and leave a review on at least one of my books since I STILL don’t have any. Yeah, I’m really getting sick of the false promises. Like REALLY sick of it. If you don’t want to buy my fucking books, fine, then don’t. Just please stop saying you will. I’m not everybody’s cup of tea. I get that. But why tell someone you’re going to buy something of theirs when you know damn well you’re not? Anyway, I told Eileen that it has to be strictly up to her and I have no problem at all if she’s either not interested or doesn’t have time for reading. She got the message but I haven’t heard back from her yet.

The girls did notify me after all that they got the incense and Becky said she was just getting into incense so she really appreciated it. They both did. I was glad to hear this. Especially since I sent her a gift that only Sarah could use after she had her accident. Now they both can use this.

Despite being friends again, Kim is still on her blocking spree. I understand what it’s about, though. She’s doing it for privacy. I sometimes block some people on my secondary PB account just so I can hope to be a little more anonymous. I get that not everyone wants everyone connected to every account they have. It still seems a little extreme for a private Facebook account, though. When I checked it out from Tom’s account I couldn’t see anything so it’s definitely private. So then why block me? Then again, she did say something about being impersonated so maybe it’s not her. No big deal either way. I just thought it was a bit strange.

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 29, 2017
On the second, when I go to see the hematologist just to be told what I already know, I’m going to really wish I could go Munchhausen that day to make it worth it. From what I read about Munchhausen there are two different kinds. The mothers who make their kids sick or exaggerate their illnesses and injuries for attention, as well as those who obsess over their own health issues, be it fabricated ones or ones they exaggerate. These people are said to actually be willing and even eager to see doctors, have tests, and even surgery. Well, I will wish I felt that way on the second! I’m just sick of all the appointments but they are tapering off somewhat as I get better. It’s great to feel good physically and emotionally even if I’m not 100% perfect all the time. But then who is? The most important thing is that I feel good most of the time so it’s not all negative, negative, negative where my health, emotions and life are concerned.

There’s still plenty of negativity going on with Marie, though, but not with her physical health. Being the curious person that I was, even if I realized it may come back to haunt me and that I was basically stepping out of line by putting my nose where it didn’t belong, I couldn’t resist asking the “other” Marie that she dated in Oregon about what happened. The Marie I know has two nicknames that I know of, so I’ll refer to her as Jamie so it’s clear which Marie I am talking about.

Jamie said Marie cheated on her but Marie said she left her. Jamie was living in Maine with a girl named Laurie. Pretty sure they were just roommates but Laurie ended up throwing her out and I guess Jamie lost all of her possessions while she was at it. At this time, she met Marie on a dating site. Marie works for a lawyer and lives up in Corvallis. She sent her a plane ticket and Jamie flew to Oregon.

Marie made it clear to her upfront that she doesn’t smoke or drink and Jamie insisted she didn’t do that either. As soon as she told me this (she called me on Skype and sounded like a very sweet, sincere and sound person) I thought yeah, right. And I’m not short, I’m terrified of rodents and reptiles, and I suck at writing and languages.

Sure enough, Jamie was content to spend much of the time sitting on her couch drinking beer while she was working hard to support herself and this woman who swore she wanted an honest and lasting relationship now that she was getting older.

Now, I try to be as tolerant and empathetic as I can to those with mental disorders because after suffering from anxiety the way I did for a few years, I know what it’s like to feel like you’re losing your mind. But where I definitely draw the line and run out of tolerance is when it comes to bipolar people. Their emotions are way too intense and extreme. They change suddenly and drastically without much warning and I’m not talking about being just anxious or a little down. They get very angry and also paranoid. One minute you can be having an intelligent conversation with them and the next they want to kill you for something you have no idea about. Marie said Jamie would become very mean and angry and that while it isn’t that she doesn’t care for Jamie and wants her to succeed and get better, she simply couldn’t handle the constant negativity. She told her she needs to let go of the past and learn to love herself before she can love others, but Jamie’s now 50 and you’re pretty much set in your ways by that age. I’m really starting to believe that with the way she’s so stuck in the past to the point that it’s causing her to go off the deep end so often that she’s probably beyond help at this point even though I know she’s continuing to see shrinks and is on medication as well. I just don’t know what good it’s doing her. I guess only she can know that.

No one ever forgets past trauma they went through or the loved ones they lost, but is she or anyone else really doing themselves any good by dwelling on these things obsessively and as often as they do? I just don’t see how that’s very therapeutic. Again, it’s not that you forget or that you should “get over it,” so to speak but I think there comes a point when we all need to move on. Doesn’t mean she should forgive the mother who tried to kill her several times or the guy who molested her in foster care, but to dwell on them on a regular basis as I see her do quite often on Facebook is only holding her back. As I learned a long time ago, dwelling on the past can never change things. I know we all handle trauma differently but why some people get stuck in the past to the point that they can’t move on is something I don’t understand. I don’t have a degree in psychology. But something seems to be holding her back be it her own lack of will to move on or some kind of mental disorder. Jamie doesn’t seem like a sympathy junkie to me. I would think those usually prefer to seek sympathy for physical disorders but again, I’m no expert. Still, I don’t think it’s about her need for sympathy or anything like that. I think she needs to let go of her abusers and stop giving them the power to control her which is basically what she’s doing.

I told Marie that even though I didn’t know her from a can of paint, she was the one I believed. The more I’ve gotten to know Jamie, which is way better than I ever did when we were kids, the more I see just how messed up she really is. I am so SO glad she was too far away to get together with back in 2010 when we reunited online! Marie also said she got very obsessed with her as well. Also, one minute she would seem perfectly normal and the next she would suddenly say shit like, “Do you know what it’s like to have a million voices screaming in your head?”

Laurie said she had a split personality. As sad as it is, I don’t see Jamie ever changing and while I’ll always care about her, I’m glad she is not in my town! She’s back in New York living with her sister.

Marie and I both agreed not to tell Jamie that we discussed her as we don’t want to hurt her feelings. She said she’s not even in touch with her. She’s met someone new and she’s focused on her right now. So now Jamie is Shady Jamie with a new account.

I knew that Jamie was a serious cheater when she was younger which she herself admitted to, but this last decade or so I thought Jamie was just unlucky in love. After all, we all have areas in life that we’re unlucky in. But this has now happened enough times since 2010 for me to see that it’s obviously not always just the other woman who’s at fault. Jamie’s not as innocent as she may want others to believe. I knew she had to be doing something and figured it had to do with drinking, drugs or unstable emotions or a combination of these things.

Oh, another weird thing she said Jamie said was that she’s only licked pussy a few times in her life and something about that not really being her thing. Not only does she look, dress sound and act as gay as gay can get, but she told me just the opposite. Many times she said she loved to do that. Regardless, Marie said she told her she was gay and she was sure of that and preferred someone else who was sure of their sexuality as well.

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 28, 2017
I was looking for a simple way to do audio blogging, and I wouldn’t have minded doing this on Tumblr if it weren’t for the fact that every other one I would do from their call-in line failed to post to the blog.

So then I found Bubbly and got all excited at first because it seemed like a very easy and convenient way to journal vocally. But I quickly found that the site has been abandoned by whoever owned it. Emails to them bounced, they haven’t tweeted since last year, and the site is horribly glitchy. First I couldn’t edit or delete posts, then it lost all audio sound as Kim confirmed, and now I can’t even access them at all on Safari. I had to delete stuff from Firefox after getting a message about the site not being secure and that logins could be compromised and all that stuff. So forget that site!

I decided to message Tumblr and ask them why so many of my audio posts fail to show up on my blog. Maybe I’m doing something wrong?

I could use something like Audacity, record a blog on my computer and then upload it to Tumblr, but that would be a major pain in the ass. I would also have to make sure I stayed under the 10MB size allotment. I want something simple and convenient to use. I asked if anyone could recommend a good voice blogging platform that’s easy to use and free.

I also decided not to bother going through old journals to post on PB because it’s just too much work. Besides, there doesn’t seem to be much interest in old stuff.

The letter from the park was just the monthly statement that not only contains our space rent but also water usage, sewer, and trash.

Right as I went to post this, I got sound again on Bubbly.

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 27, 2017
I asked Tom to skim Stepping into Psycho before I submit it for publication but he said it was too good to skim and asked if I could wait because he wants to read it thoroughly. No problem. I never mind being “too good to skim.”

Was woken up once by something loud, and before I fell asleep I could VERY CLEARLY hear something loud thunder by. We definitely didn’t “Laubsauger” the traffic. Laubsaugers can’t be heard over the sound machine. The really loud vehicles can, though. So we basically wasted $400 and two hours of his time. The only way to stop being woken up by traffic is to not sleep practically right on top of it.

Because of the way the blackout shades are no longer set inside the window frame, the room is a little lighter than I’d like, but it’s no big deal. If I can close my eyes, place my hands over my eyes and not see it darken, the room isn’t too light. It’s when any light shines through my closed lids that darkens when I cover my eyes that it’s too light.

For $200, Tom found a traveling mechanic who’s going to meet him in the parking lot where he works to replace the power steering hose.

To my utter amazement, the Twenties went elsewhere for Christmas. But would they have happened to remain here with lots of door-slamming company had I been awake to hear it?

Roomba may need a new battery. It was flashing red and I was getting a charging error message when I was trying to charge it after using it. But Tom fixed it when he got home because its light is green again.

Remember that Kevin S I first thought might be connected to Maliheh but that doesn’t seem to be? I noticed he’s friends with a Janet M that looks remarkably like Mary G. The only thing that doesn’t smack of her is that she’s listed as being born in 89 and her profile picture reflects that of a 28-year-old as well. But she’s got the same gray eyes, the same pouty blowjob lips, and a similar body from what I can see in her selfie.

I sent messages to both her and Kevin asking if she was the Mary I knew, and I got ignored by Kevin and a simple “hi” from Janet. That right there seems a little odd and I realize that anyone can put any birth date and profile picture on their page. The only thing is that Mary wouldn’t have been taking selfies when she was 28 years old because she was locked up.

Just had a chat with Janet right after writing this. Some of the things she said didn’t make sense, suggesting someone who’s either not all there or not very smart, but I’m pretty sure it’s not connected to Mary. She’s just a young, bored, jobless Arizonan with poor writing skills and low reading comprehension skills as well.

I’m now up to spring of 2000 with my Grammarly project. OMG, how could I have been not just so naïve but so damn fucking stupid?!?! Really, I didn’t have to go to jail. I seriously didn’t! But there I was stupidly opening the door to the guy with the clipboard claiming to be from the electric company and wanting to verify the address because of “money owed” or something like that after reciting the date we had our utility pole put in. Clearly the cock was a cop with yet another bullshit story just like the “Robin H” story hoping to verify the address to send a subpoena to. The only thing that didn’t make sense is that while I realize those with the electric company don’t usually wear uniforms (at least I don’t think they do), shouldn’t the police have known that the house didn’t have any mail service going to it, and wouldn’t they have been able to get our PO Box address that we had at the time?

I still say that had to have been a cop. Once I got my two cents worth in the mail those fuckers decided they just weren’t going to leave me alone no matter what. They were everything they accused me of and much, much more.

But still… had I just been smart enough to exercise a little common sense I never would’ve had to go to jail. Even when it got so far as being dragged into Florence thanks to Tammy and Bill, I still wouldn’t have gone to jail had I not gone to court. Unless the cops kick down our doors and physically take us to jail, we never have to go on our own and risk losing our freedom and so much more. To this day I’m just as pissed at myself as I am at them. Do I regret speaking my mind? No. I will never regret the right to speak one’s mind. I’ll always be big on freedom of expression. Anyway, I can’t change the past but I can guarantee one thing in the future and that’s that I’m never going to “pay” or allow myself to be punished simply because I had something to say that no one wanted to hear. My days of being criminalized for something I said or wrote are long over and they’re never coming back. The day I ever do cross that line into the realm of what people don’t want to hear, and I mean really don’t want to hear, I won’t be alive to be made to pay and suffer for it.

Another really weird thing is how Tom and I happened to have the same dream around this time when someone was knocking on the door. Only mine was in the morning and his was in the middle of the night. Then there were the footsteps I swore I heard.

Was it a coincidence? Was the house haunted? Was it the police?

But if it was the cops, why break in and walk around our house without taking anything or arresting me? I can see them knocking in the morning in hopes of picking me up for failing to appear but at 2 AM? That’s about when Tom had his dream. I know they love to do drug busts around 6 AM but 2 AM seems like a bit of an odd time. I guess we’ll never know. Could’ve been some strange wild animals for all we knew.

I missed voice blogging so I decided to use Tumblr’s call-in line again. The only problem with that is that it doesn’t always post to the blog. But sometimes I just want to talk my thoughts out rather than write them or use speech-to-text where I have to edit stuff.

Again I had a nightmare where Tom died suddenly and unexpectedly. That’s like the third or fourth nightmare like that this year! :( :( :( Should I be worried? Really hope it isn’t a sign of anything and that if there’s any meaning to it it’s just going on in some of those parallel lives I may be living.

I don’t know what killed him but I was talking to someone about it and Miss Perfect was there as well.

Then we were living in a small house which I could see very clearly. Still can even awake. It was tiny, old, and simple. It was a one-bedroom, one-bath. Tom and I were playfully wrestling with each other when we spotted cops approaching the place. Not wanting them to get the wrong idea and think we were attacking each other, I slipped into the bathroom which was straight across from the living room’s only window. The kitchen and bedroom were to the left of the living room. The right living room wall was windowless.

Then I stepped back into the living room to turn down the stereo I had playing in there and that was the end of that dream.

In another dream, Andy was “sewing” something on my inner wrist. Eventually, I told him to stop because it was hurting too much. Then he reached for some kind of ointment and said that that was what was going to put me to sleep. In the dream, I knew he meant that it would numb my wrist.

Then there was some dream where Tammy was standing with us in a double-car garage that seemed to be ours. It was loaded with all kinds of stuff, including a van straight out of the 60s or 70s and a bunch of boxes.

In the last dream, Tom and I were living somewhere else, and from the sound of it, it wasn’t in an adult community. We were sitting at our kitchen table talking to Joy. Not far outside the open kitchen window, we could hear kids playing. Joy asked how we liked it there and I said that other than it being noisy, nodding my head toward the window, it was okay. She asked if we thought we’d always be in the city and Tom said no.

Speaking of Joy and the park, I don’t know if Tom picked it up but the mail site says we got a letter from the park yesterday. I wonder what it was. They better not start any kind of harassment campaign against us. If they do I’m going to think that somehow, they do know I was the one to complain about the loud car. Why they would pick on someone who complained about something legit and reasonable, but as I learned in Arizona, “reasonable” doesn’t count when it’s complaining. Complaining is complaining to most people. They don’t like it and they don’t want to hear it no matter how right you may be.

And what the hell is up with my nieces? I’ve always sensed that they were selfish, ungrateful, spoiled and even a little narcissistic, but you mean to tell me that neither of them could respond to my message asking if they were at their mom’s recently? Sarah hasn’t seen the message even though she’s been online (or maybe she has and marked it as unread) but Becky has and she ignored it. I really thought I would have gotten a polite thanks for the incense by now.

MONDAY, DECEMBER 25, 2017
Today I’m taking a break from exercising and dieting because sadly, I don’t think I can get under 154 pounds these days anyway without killing myself. 154-157 is the new norm now.

The new bedroom windows are in! With me helping him, it took about two hours, maybe a little more. It wasn’t a difficult task either. The thing that took the most time was removing the trim around the window since we were installing the windows from the inside instead of the outside. Then he removed extra hairpin nails and applied a wonderfully smell-free latex caulking (as opposed to that nasty-smelling silicone caulking we used around the base of the toilets) around the edges. After removing the screens and doing a dry fit, he set the windows in the frames and added some screws.

The windows are split in the middle, unlike the original windows which are split below the midline, which enables us to open both windows for fresh air. The windows are beautiful. The only thing that modern windows don’t have that the old ones do and that I would prefer to have is the ledge that sticks out on the bottom which makes closing them easier. I can still reach up to the top of the window to push it down, though. Definitely like the white plastic frame instead of the metal frame, too.

The only unfortunate thing is that the blackout shades wouldn’t fit between the two windows, so we had to put them in front of the inside window. Don’t know if it will block light as well this way but if I have to get new blackout shades of some kind, I will.

Anyway, I’m still going to be able to hear things, just hopefully not at a volume that disrupts my sleep. I slept okay last time around but with it being Christmas today, the amount of traffic coming and going is going to be insane, and I’m expecting motorcycles as well as the loud car to visit. So this should be a good test along with the firecrackers on New Year’s Eve.

Went to Walgreens early yesterday morning and got a bag of Hawaiian Lei bath bombs because my skin is so dried out. I also went back to Curél lotion because despite being a name brand that’s rather expensive, Olay just wasn’t cutting it for me.

The shitty thing is the uptick in small planes. Really hope it backs off soon as now not even the nights are always peaceful at times when they really get going. Again, never have I heard so many damn planes so often. We’re obviously near an airstrip or in some kind of flight path. It seems to have gotten worse over the last year or two. I don’t remember there being so much plane activity when we first came here. But things do have a way of worsening over time no matter where I live. I’ve never lived in a place that actually got quieter. They either go from tolerable too noisy or from noisy to noisier.

I really truly believe that no matter where I live I’m always going to be cursed with something that’s a bit more extreme than the norm. I was reading in my 1999 journal, right before moving to Maricopa, that I was hoping to get the peace I’d been fighting for for 8 years. Well, now it’s been 25 years and I’m still fighting for that so-called peace that obviously doesn’t exist for me. Tom considers this quiet and believes that the noise levels are no different where Tammy is but I don’t know about that. She’s already told me that she doesn’t hear landscaping every day like I do and that she only hears maybe one or two loud vehicles a day. Hell, she can nap during the daytime there and they don’t allow motorcycles. I know I’m a much lighter sleeper than most people, but I still think it’s quieter where she is. She’s also got a newer house with newer walls and windows. If you bend over you can see that most of these windows don’t quite close all the way and that their casings are no longer perfectly square.

But still… the fact that excessive noise has been following me every single fucking place I go, and the fact that vehicles just happen to get louder despite today’s technology around the time that we move in here, is what keeps me from being 100% sure there’s nothing up there. I just can’t believe it’s this noisy at Tammy’s. I know I was only there a few times but I didn’t hear shit there. She even said there was a party one night at the clubhouse which she’s close to and they still never heard a thing inside their house.

So is there or isn’t there anything actively cursing me with noise? There sure seems to be. I just seem to get too many extremes, and if there really is something cursing me with noise, then it’s going to make sure that more people either move in here or visit that do have loud vehicles. The house I hope they’re finally done flipping would be the perfect place to stick a motorcycle on a light sleeper you don’t want to allow any peace to. So until I move to a place that’s quiet and stays that way or a noisy place that gets quiet, I’d say that yeah, I’m likely being cursed. I just don’t know why. Why was it so important that I never had someone I was incredibly attracted to? Why is it so important that my sleep is cursed?

It seems we all have areas in life that we just can’t get a break in. Like Marie. She can get the lust I was denied but she can’t get the love. I’m definitely luckier there because love is more important. She says she was cheated on and she’s now back in New York living with her sister, but just like I could never believe there wasn’t something about Andy that was causing him to lose all the jobs he lost and to not be able to get a relationship of his own (even if not everything was his fault), Marie is probably likely to blame as well. She drinks and she’s still not over the past. No one’s ever fully “over it,” but the difference between her and me is that while I may always have horrible memories (my mother nearly letting me starve/dehydrate to death at the beach is the absolute worst), I don’t let it interfere with my life of today. I think it’s getting her all emotional and either she’s pushing people away because of it or the women are simply unable to handle the intense emotions. Or maybe she’s too pushy and clingy and demanding like she used to be with me.

Anyway, I’ll be calling Marie in a week or so. She gave me her new number and I gave her mine. I don’t ever expect her to obsess over me the way she used to and it would be nice to chat every now and then even if I’m not much of a phone person and I feel like I’m a lot more stable and mature than she is much in the way I felt with Andy. Then again, even Andy was more stable than Marie. Hell, he had his own place and business, after all.

Aly says that after having conflicted emotions about me for so long she’s so glad to be talking and friends again. Me too! I’m not sure that she would, but even if she were to lie about similar things she’s lied to me about in the past then so be it. If she were to deny being friends with someone or to be using Twitter or some other site, who cares? Those are the kinds of lies that really can’t hurt me in any way. I would still prefer honesty, though.

The only thing that really got to me was when she and Molly were trolling me on the old MyOpera (while pretending not to be her friend) and causing me to almost dump Adonis. If it weren’t for the fact that it automatically listed what country you were from on your profile there, I just may have dumped him even though he never had anything to do with it. Or at least still wondering if he did.

I’m still more surprised to be friends with Kim again than I am with Aly. It’s amazing how much better I’ve gotten to know Kim this time around than last time. I always knew she wasn’t all there and I’ve always been curious about her and her living situation. I’ve just always found the mind and human behavior rather fascinating, even if some of it is a bit scary, but the thing is that you have to be careful of what you say to her if you don’t want her losing it on you. Furthermore, this is definitely someone who’s a habitual liar and always will be. You can’t expect the truth from her on most things. You’re either going to get lies or a lot of “I don’t knows.” She claims that her only disability is something about her leg. Well, the fact that she can’t even go for walks alone clearly tells me she’s not right in the head. Because of this, I realize that a lot of her behavior isn’t her fault and that she’s unable to help some things.

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 23, 2017
I started sharing old stuff in a new book I created called Old Journals on Prosebox. I know not everyone is into that and that most people prefer to read current stuff, but for those who want to peek into the past, I told them that they won’t see every single entry I wrote back then. I’ll slowly be going through them over a long period of time but as soon as I see anything personal about either myself or someone else that shouldn’t be shared, I’ll skip that entry and not bother to share any portion of it. This is why some of it may not make sense if all of a sudden one’s reading about someone and thinking, “Who’s this and where did they come from?” I may very well have omitted the entry in which we met.

I thought my monitor broke yesterday but it turns out that the portal on my laptop that I run the cable to connect to it has gotten flaky. That kind of sucks for a Mac that’s over a grand. We might try to connect it wirelessly if possible later on down the road which might be better.

The new windows for the master bedroom are ready to be picked up. I slept better last time around even though Tom confirmed there was plenty of loud shit driving by. I think I just got lucky, besides, I do sleep better when he’s here.

Not surprisingly, Aly confirms that she has been in touch with Molly, just not regularly. She says she gets an occasional text from her and that the last time she reached out to her was during the hurricanes to see if she and her family suffered any major damage. They didn’t, and she doesn’t expect more than a few messages a year from her and she’s okay with that.

I doubt I’ll ever hear from Molly again but if I do, I’ve long since decided that I’m just going to ignore her. She’s just too crazy and her mother is too mean and even a bit scary. Again, too old for any toxic drama.

Aly and I have our guesses as to what disability Kim has. When I Googled mental disorders with memory loss I got a lot of hits on dissociative disorders. It may explain the severe memory loss as well as the need to roleplay, impersonate others, and take on other identities. The weird thing is that as Aly said, she remembers certain things really well at the same time she’s super forgetful. She’s not even allowed to go for walks on her own. Because she may forget her way back home? She definitely remembers who I am, and when she was pestering me on Ask she remembered that I had rats because she frequently asked me about them.

I hope we’ll always be friends but it won’t be the end of the world if she loses it on me because I may have gotten a little too honest with her or something like that as long as she doesn’t harass my family and friends. It’s when she and Molly would involve them when they had nothing to do with it that I would have a problem. I’d rather get harassed and even threatening messages directed at myself every day than have them harass those I know once in a while. Because I know the situation it would be easier for me to just ignore them than a complete stranger that doesn’t know or what the hell is going on. Even Aly knows that while she may enjoy some things about Kim and the way she can be caring and helpful at the same time she can be frustrating, repetitive and a bit selfish, she still has to be careful if she doesn’t want to piss her off into being stalked and harassed for years like I was. Like I said, I have no problem with ignoring those I don’t want anything to do with. It’s friends and family I might be concerned about, but I would be quick to warn them, of course, the instant we may have a problem. Tammy is fully aware of my past issues with both Kim and Molly. To me, though, harassing messages are no different than spam, thus simply something to ignore.

I can understand how Aly may get sick of hearing about the family drama every single time they communicate. Hearing the same negative shit over and over does get old, no matter how real it may be. We have yet to see the day when she contacts us with nothing but good things to say or even just neutral things.

Last night I dreamed that we were living in some variation of the Phoenix house. The three rats I had in the dream were the ones I actually have, so if there are parallel lives, do rats have parallel lives as well? LOL

In the dream, they were all out loose getting their exercise and as I was gathering them up to go out somewhere, two adorable cute shiny black mice that looked like Fancy mice came hopping toward me. I was surprised the rats didn’t go after them and with how calm and brave they seemed. It explained, however, the “evidence” I swore I’d seen around the house. As much as I wanted to keep them I knew I had to trap and get rid of them.

During this dream, I went to run some water and was dismayed to find the water was turned off because I knew Tom wanted to shower before we left. But then it came back on and all was well.

In the last dream, it was early in the morning when I heard the loud car with the young guy. I didn’t make it to the window in time to see if that was coming or going. I asked Tom, who was sitting at his desk, what he thought. Like me, he suspected they were leaving. I was really disappointed because for them to leave at that hour made me think that they were living here again.

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 22, 2017
Once again a male (those things that usually don’t want kids to begin with) has decided what women can/can’t do with their reproductive systems, this time by banning abortion of Down Syndrome babies in Ohio. It’s sad. Just totally sick. I feel bad for women in that situation who not only don’t have the financial resources and other means necessary to bring a special needs child up but who don’t want to bring a child into the world that’s likely going to suffer. I fear that it’s only a matter of time before abortion is illegal nationwide. I really think it will be in my lifetime.

Even though the Caddy is getting old, he hopes to hang on to it till 2020 and then get what he also hopes will be our last car. We’re both hoping that by the time he’s in his 80s, we’ll be able to use an app that can call for self-driving cars to take us wherever we need to go, wherever we’re living at that time. We’ll pretty much only need to go to stores or doctors by then anyway.

I’m afraid I might have a cavity brewing in one of my upper i-teeth. Really wish I could get knocked out and have the rest of them crowned but that would cost a fortune. It’s only a matter of time before I lose the rest of them anyway no matter how well I care for them. My enamel is just too soft.

Skipped my meds today because I felt a touch anxious yesterday.

Been exchanging messages with Aly just like old times. Sometimes I wonder what made her change her mind but something tells me it’s best that I don’t ask. Some things are better not questioned anyway and just enjoyed for what they are. I don’t even know why I changed mine. Anyone who knows me knows that I almost never take back anyone that’s either cut ties with me or that I cut ties with.

She said Kim says she doesn’t know what disability she has. There’s got to be some fancy label for it as she can’t be on disability for shits and giggles, but I agree with Aly the more I talk to Kim that she probably doesn’t have multiple personality disorders. Whatever it is, it gives her memory issues that make Andy’s seem like nothing. She’s asked me 20 times already if I get up at the same time every day. I was surprised when she said she wasn’t on any medication but maybe she is and just doesn’t want to say so. She never did admit to and apologize for the way she stalked and harassed me five years ago and sometimes I wonder if she even remembers doing it. Who knows? The words “I’m sorry” just aren’t in some people’s dictionaries, especially those who tend to be emotionally weak and fragile.

For now, I don’t mind being Kim’s sounding board when it comes to her living situation and all that. Yes, I know there’s a chance she may flip into a rage on me for something real or imagined as we both know she’s very capable of doing with little to no provocation, but I’m not worried about it. Threats are meaningless without the actions to back them up anyway. Also, I know how to block people I don’t want to associate with and how to ignore emails and phone calls. If I don’t want anything to do with you, as soon as I realize a message is from you, I don’t even read/listen to it.

Ever heard of the parallel lives concept? The more I learn about it, coupled with my own personal experiences with dreams and several hours of research, the more I wonder if there could actually be some truth to it.

The book I’m currently listening to is a story based on parallel lives. While I don’t know if there is a God governing all these infinite numbers of lives or if all these lives go on to some kind of afterlife when they die, the fact that I have so many detailed dreams definitely makes me wonder if there really is many other me’s and I’m just good at catching glimpses of these other me’s in my dreams. It may very well be connected to the fact that I’ve been prone to dream premonitions, particularly in the early and late 00s. Some people are just better at this sort of thing than others, I guess, just like other psychics are better at doing certain things that I could never do.

Tom, who is agnostic like I am, doesn’t buy the parallel lives theory but that may be because he rarely remembers his dreams. Those who dream like I do may feel differently. Just like some people are good with languages, I may have a “talent” when it comes to accessing that portal that gives us a glimpse into our other selves.

I read some stories about those claiming to have either been involved in or witnesses to other dimensions. One of the most fascinating cases was this guy supposedly from the country of Taured. He had an authentic passport and spoke an authentic language, but nobody had ever heard of the country of Taured which he claimed was in the middle of Europe and 3000 years old. So if there’s any truth to this, Taured may very well be out there and exist, it’s just not in this dimension.

From a scientific standpoint, parallel lives seem more likely than reincarnation and things like that. I realize, however, that it may not just be one way and one way only. Maybe some people are reincarnated while others stay in the afterlife. And maybe dead is dead for some people as well.

I’m not 100% convinced that we do live parallel lives. Right now I’m leaning towards there being a 50-60% chance. It’s the vivid dreams that make me wonder. Not only are the layouts of some of the houses in my dreams incredibly detailed but I can see and remember every single object in the rooms as clearly as can be. I can think of dozens of dreams with details like that which I’ve had over the years. It isn’t just the images I see in my dreams but also about the atmosphere and the deep sense of familiarity I seem to feel. If it’s true that I can access these portals easier than most then this could mean that I’m more at risk of actually being sucked into another dimension even though I can’t imagine that for the life of me. I think if that really does happen that it’s very rare and I would probably have a better chance of winning the lottery a hundred times over before I got sucked into another dimension.

The human brain may be mysterious and amazing but they’re not machines. Meaning that while we’re awake we can’t usually just imagine some whole new place in a split second and in such amazing detail. We can do that in our dreams, though, and that’s part of what makes me wonder if it could be more than just a dream. Sure, some of our dreams can be little more than just reflections of what’s on our minds, but others definitely make me wonder.

The only thing that doesn’t make sense is that my other “selves” are almost always between 20 and my actual age. If we’re supposed to have an infinite number of selves with an infinite number of possible outcomes, then why am I never a little kid in any of these dreams or an old lady? And why is my life often similar to here? I may be able to keep a schedule in a lot of these dreams and I may sometimes be thinner than I am and not know Tom, but the basic idea is the same. I never have six kids or anything radically different than in this life. I’m not a celebrity, a cop, a lawyer, a doctor, etc. The only real variation besides my age is my location and relationship status. Sometimes I’m in the city and sometimes I’m out in the country. I live in houses and at other times I live in condos or apartments. Sometimes I’m on the coast and sometimes I’m not. Sometimes I’m single, with Tom, with some other guy, or with another woman. Even the rats vary. In some dreams I’m playing with rats I’ve had or do have while in others only my dream self seems to know them.

Many of the dreams are negative in that I’m sometimes homeless or I’m in jail without knowing what my charges are or I’m charged with killing someone I don’t even know.

Another thing that’s a bit disturbing is that Tom’s died in something like half a dozen dreams. Tammy usually comes to the rescue, but it’s still a possible scary indication that he may die first. He doesn’t think so because he’s healthier than me, but then he is 8.5 years older than me and women live longer than men.

I think that for the most part, our other selves are pretty similar to this self, but at a different point in time. You may not even know your husband in some of these dimensions and your deceased parents may still be alive.

I have been murdered and witnessed murder a few times in my dreams, though, so losing Tom in some of my dreams probably has nothing to do with this life. I sure hope it isn’t a sign anyway because we do get signs in our dreams as well. You just have to learn how to read them and not all of them can be read very easily no matter what. Sometimes I’ll have a dream and know it means something, then something happens to prove me correct. But other times I’ll have a dream and not know that it means anything until a particular event happens.

The only dream I remember from the last round of shitty sleep disrupted by garbage trucks and other loud vehicles was living in this large house with a basement (basements are rare in the West) and my parents were still alive. On a couple of different floors were these pull-string lights and I found myself unable to turn them on. So I ran toward this guy standing in the doorway of one of the rooms thinking it was my dad, but it was some other guy telling me my dad was over there (he pointed in that direction).

Then in another dream, I was also living in a large house but this one might have been with Tom. It seemed like again I was down in a basement of some kind, eyes skimming a bunch of furniture and other things piled up around me. I glanced at one huge L-shaped table and thought it might be a good thing to set up in my office because I could put more stuff on it.

Were these other me’s in other lives? Hmm…

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 21, 2017
Last night at 1 AM, I was sitting here listening to the loud whoosh of the freeway traffic. It’s always the same steady flow no matter what time of day or night. Where do so many people have to go so late at night?

Tonight, however, it’s almost 10:30 PM and dead quiet which means the wind is likely blowing in a direction it doesn’t usually blow in. I don’t hear the freeway, I don’t hear planes, I don’t hear anything. Just a heavy silence you almost never hear here. I could definitely get used to it, too. Wait, I do hear a plane now off in the distance and someone just drove by. Unless the plane activity picks up, it’s still way quieter than usual even for this hour. You usually can hear the freeway at all times except for the summer months.

Tom finally found the leak within the power steering fluid line and it is a substantial leak so he’s going to have to take it in to be replaced. So there goes another few hundred bucks. :-(

Anyway, our smart home isn’t very smart tonight. The Wi-Fi is having problems with the bathroom light because it’s too far away to get a good signal. It’s not just that, but along the wall, there are cabinets and the refrigerator, pantry and shower stall. So it’s like that wall is thicker even though it’s not. This weekend we’ll put the original bulb back in that light because the smart color-changing light isn’t very good there anyway. Even though I have bright lights over the sink and counter and the color-changing light was over the toilet, I would still prefer good lighting throughout the entire bathroom, and it’s a huge master bathroom, too. Also, with the dual toggle switch, it’s easy to accidentally switch the color changer off when switching the other one off.

I’m kind of tired and I’m taking the day off from working out. I slept shittily. I kept waking up and the fucking traffic didn’t help either. I probably won’t sleep well till after my appointment. Even when it’s simple, nothing little appointments, it still puts stress on me to aim my schedule for it, thus making it more likely for me to wake up either just because or due to noise. Tomorrow’s going to suck because the trash and recycling trucks are going to come roaring through, and Christmas is hit or miss with all the door slamming and motorcycles. The windows are ready but we need to schedule a time to have them delivered, then we’re going to install them, but that’s not something you do in a matter of minutes. The mural also arrived.

Aly and I talked about Kim’s living situation and she said she feels she may not stand up for herself or really talk to her sister about not defending her against her wife, etc., but if she pushes the subject she just gets mad at her. Well, if anyone knows how easy it is to get Kim to go off in a crazy manner, it’s me, so there isn’t much more I can do other than be a sounding board. It isn’t my place to get involved, and I don’t know how much she can stand up for herself since they do have custody of her, after all. I still feel bad for her. I know what it’s like to live with a toxic family and to not be defended by those you would think would be quick to defend you. Andy, Tammy or anyone for that matter, could walk in here and start bad-mouthing the shit out of me and Tom wouldn’t say a word. Not a single word. He’s always been that way but I’ve learned that bitching about it won’t change things. It’s just not in him to defend me like it is for him to defend others that I have a problem with. I don’t know why he’s been this way as it does seem rather backward but that’s just how he is. I guess his reasoning is that it won’t change things. Maybe not, but I couldn’t imagine just standing there if someone was verbally attacking him.

My lungs are a little tight (hopefully just because I’ve been getting carried away with the incense) and earlier I felt slightly off emotionally, but I wasn’t getting “stabbed” with waves of anxiety in the chest, so it’s nothing to go skipping my meds over just yet. OMG, though, I totally dread the return of the anxiety. The kind that’s plenty noticeable. It’s got to return sooner or later.

Just when I thought my period was done, here we go with the fucking spotting again. It never fucking ends!

Eileen asked for more of that horrible honey-vanilla incense I made so I’m going to be sending her that along with candy corn incense which I also don’t like. While I’m at it, I’ll send Tammy the rest of the magnolia incense she loves and a couple of others that were made for me. Midnight lover and juniper breeze.

Eileen insisted on paying for it but I wouldn’t let her, reminding her that once upon a time she helped save our Tier 4 asses from the second scariest time of my life.

Last night I had a dream about being in this three-bedroom ranch house I was moving into with God knows who. I was lying on the floor of the back corner room telling someone that I kind of liked that room. I said yeah, you could hear traffic in it but it felt more out-of-the-way or something like that. The woman said I could have the first available room as soon as we started moving in.

Then it was as if we were moving out of the house and not into it. Some guy was asking me about a key and I got up to search for it in the next room, unable to find it. On the other side of the bed, I noticed I had a pile of laundry on the floor that needed to be done, plus additional stuff I had yet to pack.

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 20, 2017
Just when I was thinking how lucky I am that I get to sleep through Christmas this year given where my schedule is since everyone has to come here and no one can go there, I realize I may not get much sleep with all the car door slamming and probable motorcycles that will be zooming in and out as well. :(

The car is leaking power steering fluid, so Tom ordered some Stop Leak. He may still have to take it in to have a line replaced. I hope not. We’ve got to spend a fortune on so many other things as it is.

Tom is thinking of going vegan when he finishes what meat he has, and I know I should do the same because I don’t need the extra cholesterol, especially since I’m not taking statins. Maybe I’ll compromise and just lessen my meat intake. Like maybe have more fish instead of beef.

There are more free coloring pages on Pinterest than I could ever color in my life! Maybe this is a better alternative to buying coloring books because this way I can get exactly what I want instead of spending money on books that may have some pages I don’t like.

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 19, 2017
I’ve been slowly catching Aly up on what’s gone on during that time we didn’t talk. I told her about Stacey and Kathleen. She told me some things I pretty much gathered from following her tweets over the years. She was in a toxic relationship with a woman. She said she had no problem when she shared her kinky side and was even the one to suggest bondage and flogging. Then she started acting like she was forced into it and ran Aly out of the apartment. She then went to live with a couple of gay guys and met her current boyfriend through them.

I feel bad for Kim and the living situation she’s in right now. I don’t know how much of it is hyped and exaggerated but I’d say enough of it is real, at least to Kim. According to her, the main problem is her SIL. She picks on Kim and is very controlling. She’s also said some pretty mean things to her mother as well who I think lives with them. They rent a two-story, three-bedroom house. The SIL will yell at her for accidentally spilling things, accuse her of ruining curtains when she was simply parting them to look out the window, and she stands there and watches her brush her hair and teeth before she can leave the house in the morning. She is threatened with having her laptop taken away if she’s noisy too, by coughing, sneezing and whatnot. She really wants to get into some kind of assisted living but has no idea who to turn to for help. There’s probably someone for adults who feel they’re being abused by their guardians but I don’t know what to possibly suggest.

Last night I dreamed I was going to be sent to prison for many years, though I don’t know why or if I was truly guilty or not. Tom wanted me to “deal with it” while I wanted to run.

I began watching Secrets & Lies on AP but lost interest and decided to try Thirteen. The first one was filmed in Australia and the second one in the UK. It seems all that’s made in my country these days are documentaries and reality shows.

Tom had some car trouble this morning that caused him to be late, though it wasn’t any big deal and hopefully it won’t turn into anything major either. As comfortable and as luxurious as this car is, it’s getting old and it may be time for an upgrade. It has more capabilities than your average modern car, like how fast it can accelerate, but it’s still getting old.

MONDAY, DECEMBER 18, 2017
And they’re STILL working on the house. Starting to doubt they’ll finish before the year is out but that’s what I figured from the get-go. Not hearing much today, though, other than the usual buzz of small planes. There is something annoying about those engines as opposed to the big commercial ones even though they’re not as loud. If they could simply fly over and move on, then that would be one thing. It’s the fucking circling round and round that gets on my nerves. I can hear it over the sound machine.

Although it’s light, I’m definitely having enough of a flow to finally constitute a real period. My boobs are no longer sore. I just wish I would stop bleeding already! I hope that if I don’t get another period that’s normal in a month I’ll get another five-month break from them, but my guess is that I’m going to go back to getting them every other month or so and I’ll probably have a month of monster PMS leading up to it. :-(

I got an interesting reply to my EMDR entry from a 70-year-old woman who’s been following me for quite some time now. She said she can relate to dulled emotions after having EMDR done in the 90s. She said it must only be good for 20 years, though, because lately she’s noticed she’s crying more and feeling more emotional overall. So maybe when I’m 70 I’ll need to be re-EMDR’d. I really like being this way. As I told her, I can still get angry if given a reason to be, and I would be sad if anyone I cared about suffered but it’s just not the same. Undergo EMDR and you’ll see what I mean. Initially, you’re like a microwave on full power. Afterward, you’re down to about 50% power.

The other night I dreamed they threw ropes around two areas of the planet to suspend an umbrella above half of the earth but above where planes flew. I don’t know why they did this or how they managed to keep it hovering above the earth since it was still within the gravity pull.

Last night I had a dream that Tom had been sitting on a bench alongside a street and later told me that while he was there, Paula happened by either on a bike or on foot and recognized him from pictures she’d seen. They talked for a while about whatever.

I guess Nervous was living with us in the next dream. He left the house at something like 7 PM and I asked him what time he would be back. He said 11 o’clock and I said that that was when Tom would be home. He didn’t answer and I could sense the jealousy within him.

Then, after saying that there was no other place in the world I’d rather be than hanging out with Tom, I was doing a handstand in a swimming pool somewhere for the first time in a long time. But it wasn’t the simple task it had been in the 90s. Now my arms felt weak and my body felt heavy. It seemed to take me forever to get back on my feet, though, and I was running out of air as I struggled to upright my body and break through the water’s surface.

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 17, 2017
It’s been approximately a year and a half since I had EMDR treatment after a medical trauma that gave me a bad case of PTSD. It was a combination of perimenopause and flares of activity in my thyroid gland which caused my thyroid medication to affect me in some pretty scary ways and me to have panic attacks when I would feel the slightest bit off.

Although I came close a few times, I have not had any panic attacks since treatment. I have felt anxious at times due to the perimenopause but fortunately, I haven’t panicked. I think part of it is due to becoming as angry as I got after so much time of suffering. I simply got fed up. Once you go from scared to angry, you tend to make improvements that you weren’t brave enough or ready enough to make before, as more often than not, we can’t force these things to progress as fast as we’d like. So once I got pissed and adopted a, “Go on, let’s see anything fuck with me now” attitude and refused to let myself get all worked up over shit, in conjunction with therapy, this stopped the panic attacks.

As time went on I found that EMDR therapy did more than just stop me from panicking. It seems to have dulled my emotions overall but I don’t mind. I never cared for emotional people anyway, and I was once pretty emotional myself, as I said in a previous entry. I’ll still get pissed at anyone who may try to burn me or someone I care about, and I’ll still laugh at a joke I find funny, but I don’t think I’ve even cried since treatment. Things just don’t faze me or have the same kind of emotional impact they would have had in the past. I don’t get as angry. I don’t get as sad. This doesn’t mean that I’m lacking in empathy or anything like that; I just don’t feel the intensity of emotions I used to feel. Fortunately, the thing I feel most is humor. It’s a lot easier to get me to laugh while it’s become damn near impossible to get me to cry, not that crying is a bad thing. I’ve had many a day in the past when I needed a good cry to help get things out and make me feel better and that was ok.

Overall I definitely like the person I’ve become better than the person I was. Trauma really can change us for both the better and the worse. Not that I was a bad person before, but I’ve always preferred calmer people over-emotional people, and being more on the calm side helps. So does being happier and healthier overall, since as most of us know, that can affect our emotions.

But still… even if I were once again going through some of the rough times I’ve gone through in the past, I still wouldn’t be nearly as emotional about it as I would have been before. So yeah, I like the me of today. :-)

I may be less emotional these days but I still have the same worries and concerns many people have. I fear suffering. I fear death. I fear a possible afterlife being worse than this life because I cannot know for sure that there isn’t an afterlife or what it’s like if there is. I fear my husband becoming ill or injured and suffering in the future even though he’s been in remarkable health thus far. But sooner or later we both have to die and I do my best to just enjoy what time we have left.

We didn’t know it until Tom spotted it a little while ago, but the “Twenties” made Residents of the Month, according to our monthly newsletter. I can totally see them making it too because they’re very sociable compared to us. Not that we’d want to because we just don’t care either way, but we were laughing at how we’re too boring to make Residents of the Month. I mean he works outside of the house, I work inside of the house. He likes to code. I’d like to write. We both like rats and to shop. Wowee! Super exciting, eh? ;)

I was teasing his ass about being more successful in making money at my hobby so far than he has with his. Yeah, LOL, sometimes the woman really is more successful than the man even if she hasn’t made nearly as much as she’d like. He loves programming and I love writing and it’s something we’ve always done. Any money earned from it is just a bonus. We do it because it’s what we like and is basically in our blood.

I recently saw an interview Linda Ronstadt did a couple of years ago and she was saying that in order to get good you really have to do it for many hours a day. This is so true. The voice is a muscle and needs regular exercise to get it as good as it can possibly be. I wouldn’t feel comfortable doing the karaoke contests I once did. You can still tell I sing but for someone who has had training and knows a thing or two about it, my voice is a bit on the weak side right now. You never lose your pitch because that would be like forgetting how to ride a bike, and you never forget proper breathing techniques because that becomes second nature, but things do weaken without regular exercise.

It’s great to see Jon back in the Land of the Living and posting his funny stuff. I don’t care for the political or religious stuff but most of his posts are hilarious. So are his comments on my own posts.

Tom replaced the washers in the master shower and we did another Amazon order. He’s getting a cheap Windows computer for programming because he needs a more modern one for testing, and I’ve picked out a birch tree mural for the master bedroom. I can’t wait! I’m excited to get that up but we probably won’t do it until right around the new year. I’m going to transfer the flowers and butterfly stickers that are on that wall but not the petals blowing in the “wind” or the picture window sticker further down that wall. We can apply the mural right over it. The mural has six pieces and should be a lot easier than the one we installed in Arizona. Hopefully, it will come out well. With the two of us working it should take two hours or less.

Next week he has to get new tires for the car. We were going to pick up some bulk items like paper towels at Sam’s today but neither of us wanted to deal with the crowds, so we grabbed a few things from Raleys.

For the last couple of days, I’ve gone from spotting to a light flow. I’ve now been bleeding for 3 weeks and 2 days. Really REALLY hope this stops soon! I’ve had enough of this shit. I shouldn’t be going through this so fucking late in life! Why must things always be the hardest or take the longest or both for me? I never seem to really get any breaks in life.

What I really dread is to return of the anxiety. I know it’s going to come back sooner or later. I haven’t gone over 5-6 months without it since it began nearly 3.5 years ago. It’s been 5 months since the last time it was noticeably bad which was from early June to mid-July. I know I’ve had a few anxious days since then but they didn’t last as long because I immediately skipped doses. It’s great that now I know what to do and that’s to skip as soon as I get anxious but I would really rather not have to in the first place. If only I could make it to the spring without having any waves of anxiety stabbing up my chest. No way that’s going to happen, though. It’s been more than obvious for some time that I’m not getting off that easy. I still think I have a few more years of random periods and anxiety.

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 16, 2017
“I don’t have to diet anymore,” Tom informed me when he got home. “I now weigh less than you do. I’m 123 pounds.”

LOL, apparently the scale won’t register correctly on the foam tiles. I saw what he meant when it tried to tell me I was 939 pounds.

Well, I’m never dieting again no matter what it says. I’m going to eat when I’m hungry and leave the rest up to fate. Not half-starve myself for a year to lose weight that will only come right back.

My new purple nightgown fits perfectly. It’s a size medium. Small would probably fit but it might be a bit snug. Better to have a little extra room than not quite enough.

I went out and had Nikki trim a half-inch off my hair this afternoon. On the way out of the park, I looked to see if the guy was in the corner window of one of the corner houses down by the RVs. I don’t know who he is but we always wave to each other whether I’m on foot or in the car.

Nikki loved my rat leggings. Somehow I’m not surprised that someone who would wear their hair purple would like my rather eccentric attire.

Other than some back flies and ab crunches to keep my core strong, I’m being pretty lazy today. We’re both loving the relaxation. He did, however, work four hours in the morning to get extra money for the new car tires the car needs and then picked up groceries on the way home. As always, they fucked a couple of things up.

So we pretty much only did some minor things around here today. He screwed a cup hook into the side of my desk to hang my camera on, and one on the side of the headboard/shelves in the bedroom to hang my pink earbuds on.

Although I decided to put Tammy’s statin advice off for now, I figured it couldn’t hurt to take the baby aspirin she recommended as an extra measure of protection against strokes and heart attacks, and I like cherry flavor, so it won’t be like having to swallow an extra pill. They’re chewable since they’re for kids.

I exchanged messages with Kim and Aly again today and I reckon we will most days like old times. Kim may be annoying and not all there in a funny kind of way but she sure is reliable and helpful when it comes to testing for me. I was wondering if I could save pictures privately that I would later use in journal notes for Tammy and have them still be visible to her so I tested one out in a message to Kim and she verified that she could see it. It wouldn’t be much of a surprise to Tammy if I added pictures to journals that she had seen before, depending on how many of my posts she saw. I don’t know if she sees everything or if she just catches what’s on top of the feed like I usually do.

Aly has been through so much shit healthwise and we were filling each other in on what’s been going on with us. Just like my old endo withheld information from me (not warning me about pocket flares and how it can affect how the medication affects me) and then blew off my complaints about it later on, her first hematologist withheld info about things not covered by her insurance. She made it clear up front that she wanted to go with pills or injections rather than transfusions and she had to get another doctor who would be more helpful to her. She still has bad eczema, though I’m relieved to know that no, she’s not dying of cancer and she doesn’t need stem cell surgery.

She now lives in an apartment with her boyfriend and she’s an owned submissive while he’s “Master Jase.” While I totally don’t get the BDSM lifestyle, I don’t judge. It’s consensual. They’re adults. That’s all that matters. The apartment is often lacking in heat and Wi-Fi, though, so they’re going to be moving.

I was pleasantly surprised that Becky “liked” one of my posts. I don’t expect it to happen very often but it’s nice when it does. I “liked” something of hers and Sarah’s and I really did like it. It was pics of their trip to see the manatees.

Regardless of my feelings toward their father, I just think it’s kind of sad that every few days they’re dwelling on him through group posts about how they miss him and think they’ll see him again someday and that he’s up there looking out for them and all that shit. Can that really be helpful to them? One can move on without forgetting or obsessing, can’t they? IDK, everybody’s different so maybe it is therapeutic for them. I still don’t actively follow them because I can’t stand to see any pictures or other reminders of the fucking cock. I wasn’t kidding when I said I’m mostly unforgiving. Besides, repetition drives me crazy.

While I’m still spotting, I’m amazed to say that I haven’t had any burning or itching in the crotch for a few days now. I know it won’t last long, though. It’ll be back before the end of the year.

I had a dream that I went next door and instead of a very neat and sparsely decorated place, the place was cluttered as hell. Virginia sat on a dumpy-looking unmade twin bed instead of a tidy couch. I saw that she collected dolls too, and that they were scattered throughout tons of shelves that adorned the walls.

Then I had an even weirder dream of being in my grandparents’ home back east. We must have lived there or something. I was in the house alone and it was nighttime. I sat in the dark on the couch by the front door. In real life that house had a low wall between the door and the living room. Not in the dream, though. I sat there waiting for Tom to come home and I began to feel spooked. I got up and stepped towards the stairs that led down to the basement, thinking I might have seen something strange in the shadows in the stairwell.

I then ran out the front door, called Tom and asked when he would be home. Rather than showing any concern for me, he sounded very irritated. In real life, I would have stepped out onto a cement porch/stoop, but in the dream, I was on a wooden deck and there was a full set of stairs leading down to the ground. I looked over the rail and saw two puppies chasing each other happily on the grass below. I proceeded to go down the stairs but then these strange mosquitoes started biting me.

It was a weird dream that left me creeped out afterward but I fell back asleep soon enough.

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 15, 2017
Eileen received, loves, and thanked me for the olfactory delights I sent her and even shared a picture of the honey vanilla stick burning on her kitchen island. Funny too, because I think the honey vanilla and the candy corn came out awful. They smell more like burning plastic.

Tammy also called and we talked for 45 minutes. She loves the magnolia and patchouli. My personal favorites are chocolate, butter rum, and pink sugar. Now that I know Tammy’s a flower power kind of gal I’ll keep that in mind next time I order oils online.

I’m so, so glad they’re happy with it! I really wasn’t sure that they would like it. Some people are bothered by incense smoke. According to what I read, incense smoke is supposed to be worse for you than cigarette smoke because it has smaller particles that get trapped deeper into the lungs. This is why I only burn a few sticks a day if even that.

So Tammy and I talked and she filled me in on the hardships of having the three different autoimmune diseases she has. It’s not as simple as mine where you’re lacking a hormone that you can be given replacement therapy for. It affects her muscles and even her organs.

I learned something new about both my sister and deceased brother. I didn’t know that Larry actually had open heart surgery and that he had stents as well as Tammy and Dad. I also didn’t know that Tammy had been to Arizona. I knew she went to Nevada when living in Texas but I didn’t know she’d been to Arizona.

She told me of her plans to fix things up after the damage from the hurricane, most of which is covered by insurance. Thank goodness for that because she received a lot of damage, especially to the roof and lanai. I’m glad I’m not her neighbor so I don’t have to hear it, LOL, as I hear enough shit here. Yesterday it was miraculously quiet but today Bob took an hour to blow his tiny lot which should take barely 15 minutes, even if the wonderful guy is 88. Also, the flippers are sawing away. Luckily that isn’t as easy to hear inside here because they’re working on the other side of the house next to the poor soul next to them.

Love how I could hear some kids screaming over the wall but only when I stepped outside and never inside the house. Haha, Tammy and I both jokingly refer to them as brats. Seriously, nothing against kids, brats, rugrats… whatever you want to call them. I just didn’t want to spend so much time and money on any of my own, and again, I hear so much shit from outside these walls that I don’t want to add any more racket inside. But yeah, nothing against them as it’s their parents who are to blame for the way so many of them behave like animals these days.

I would absolutely love to live in her park since she only hears landscaping once a week if even that and they have cameras everywhere and are much better at enforcing the rules than they are here. To be able to lie down during the daytime like she can without having to have sound machines running would be wonderful. I am a light sleeper, though, so I would still have something going just to drown out Tom’s movements when he was here and awake so as to not be woken up by the microwave beeping or if he dropped something, coughed, sneezed, etc.

However, I don’t know that we would ever be able to afford her park. I like her park and town but the closer you get to the coast, the more expensive things get. I know we could get more if we fix this place up, but most manufactured homes don’t have much value and we don’t want to invest time and money in making the place what someone else may want. I’d rather just make it what I want it to be, which basically means turning it into a circus and every realtor’s worst nightmare, LOL, and cutting my losses.

Mark is having issues I guess and therefore he’s having a colonoscopy done, Becky’s arm is worse and Sarah’s rich. She just got a fully loaded Infinity. I checked in with them on Facebook and I’m sure I won’t hear from them again unless I contact them on their birthdays. That’s just how they are and I’m pretty sure they’re not following me any more than I’m following them and that’s okay. I just get sick of hearing about certain people in every single fucking conversation Tammy and I have. I can stomach discussing Larry and Dad somewhat, but I would really rather not discuss my mother and I certainly don’t want to hear about Lisa, God or Bill. Bill wasn’t mentioned the last time, though.

Anyway, other than positive things to say about the incense and her park, it was all about the usual negative health stuff that’s been going on for a while now. It isn’t that I don’t believe her and that I don’t empathize with her as I know damn well what it’s like to suffer, but sometimes I wonder if she could have some degree of Munchhausen on top of being a hypochondriac. I guess her surgery has been postponed for now, too.

My new robe fits great but I have to laugh at this one review that said you can wear it up to a size 20. I’m about a 12 and I wouldn’t want this robe any smaller or me to be any bigger. It keeps me just as warm as my blue one but it’s lighter. It also has a hood. Love this colorful cupcake robe and look forward to my new purple winter nightgown which should arrive tomorrow. We got a discount from Walmart so that’s why got the nightgown and he got a new drill.

I might have to get new sweatpants soon because the cement gray and slate gray sweatpants I got at Sam’s a year or so ago are absolutely terrible. The insides of the legs constantly have lint balls.

On the way back from picking up my robe, Virginia asked me more about Jon.

I have been spotting for nearly a month and it just now started turning into a light flow. I’m starting to wonder if this shit is going to end this year. I don’t seem as waterlogged, though.

Understandably, Tammy disagrees with this but the reason I don’t want to take statins isn’t just because I have a medication phobia it’s also that I don’t have any annoying symptoms like I would if I stopped my thyroid medication. Then again, you can still have some symptoms even with treatment. I still have a big puffy moon face, for example. But I don’t see the point in taking a potentially dangerous drug for something that might happen in the future. I’d rather live 20 more years worry-free than 30 more with side effects and worries. I may take statins when he retires and can be around more as with my shit luck, if anything did happen, I’d be alone.

The loud car visited on Thursday but it was only here for a few minutes. I joked with Tammy about jinxing her park into becoming noisy if I were to move there. She said I couldn’t jinx motorcycles into tearing in and out because they’re not allowed there. OMG, she is so lucky! “Coincidentally,” they started allowing those in here when we moved in. I totally, totally believe without a doubt that I’m cursed in both the noise and sleep departments. It seems we all have some particular areas of life that we just can’t get a break in and are always unlucky in.

I am now connected to BOTH my former buddies on Twitter (and other sites). Wow, just wow. Who would have ever thought this day would come? It’s wonderful! So great to be reconnected! As I told Aly, after most fallouts I’ve had with people I am able to tell myself that that’s just life, shit happens, and I eventually lick my wounds and move on.

Furthermore, I’m not usually a forgiving person. Once you become a thing of the past, I don’t want to hear from you and I don’t want to hear about you either. Even though I had “met” other cyber friends and had family online I could talk to, it just wasn’t the same. Aly and Kim were/are like my besties on the Internet. We have enough that we don’t have in common to keep things interesting but also enough things in common that we can relate to each other. Like how Aly told me she too, has such tiny veins. She’s short like me, though one of the vampires said it’s hereditary. So I’m guessing Tammy has small veins too, and has to have a butterfly needle when having blood drawn.

She also asked me a question about Yelp and said it was so nice that we could talk again. It sure is! I know I wasn’t a perfect friend any more than they were, and I will do my best not to repeat past mistakes. That’s all anyone can do anyway.

I don’t know why it was so hard to let go of Aly, but I have no desire to reconnect with anyone else from my past. I may be dumb enough to talk to some people should they ever contact me, and being surprised by both Kim and Aly reminds me that I can’t be 100% sure they won’t, I definitely don’t want to talk to Andy. I’ll always treasure the good moments we had, but he’s a selfish, arrogant, judgmental and very negative person who will never change. At his age, you’re pretty much set in your ways and he has a right to be who he is. I just don’t want to be a part of it as the older I get the less tolerant I am of any kind of toxic drama.

Also, while it isn’t that I lack empathy or anything like that, talking to those who have nothing but negative stuff to say all the time gets depressing. I also tend to steer clear of emotional people as they’re not exactly calming and cheery to be around. Right or wrong, I see emotional people as being a bit on the weak and immature side. I should know. I was pretty emotional myself during most of my youth. Don’t get me wrong, I would still get pretty pissed off if someone screwed me over bad enough or someone I care about, but I have definitely mellowed out with age. There’s another reason for that but I’ll save that for another entry. It has to do with something I’ve been getting questions about so I’ll get to it soon. But yeah, call me insensitive, call me intolerant, call me judgmental, but sad people are depressing, emotional people are nerve-racking, and hypochondriacs/Munchhausen can be beyond annoying.

“At least it’s not rape,” said Matt Damon. That is so typical male! shakes head disgustedly I hate to break it to the bastard but being sexually harassed or nearly raped can be just as terrifying and traumatic. Once upon a time 30 years ago I was too trusting and desperate for friends. I took a chance and went over to this guy’s house that I was dumb enough to randomly dial and have a decent chat with by phone. Well, the guy attempted to rape me but I managed to fight my way out of it. I was very shaken up for days, and sure enough, when I call the cops, he had already beaten me to it to try to cover his ass as many perpetrators often do. When the cop I talked to said he said I was the one picking on him, I hung up in frustration and anger and immediately regretted telling the few people I told about it. As always, victims are blamed as if they’re somehow responsible for other people’s actions. The guy is lucky I wasn’t like I am now because I would’ve gotten a gun the next day, learned to shoot it the day after, and then gone back to his house the next day… even if it meant doing some time. Sometimes it’s better to be morally correct than legally correct and maybe even save some future victims from the same fate or worse while you’re at it. So yeah, Matt Damon, why don’t you drop dead and come back a woman and see what it’s like to be female in this world?!

Other than dreaming that Sarah left me a post-it note that I thought was both rude and defensive, I can’t remember any other dreams.

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 14, 2017
Eileen said she didn’t get her gifts, and Tammy’s ignoring me again. Really hope they arrive today!

For the last two days, I’ve basically been too lazy to exercise. Well, more like discouraged. I know I should do it every day that I have the energy for it because it’s only a matter of time before my sleep gets shorted due to traffic or just because. I know I should also do it for all the other benefits and not just stop simply because I won’t lose weight from exercise alone. Bob and I were talking about that the other day and how exercise alone isn’t enough. Calories must be cut but we both like to eat, not that he has an ounce of fat on him. Virginia does and is considerably bigger than me but not Bob. It was silly of me to think I could lose weight by working out more without changing my eating habits. It might work initially for someone who’s 100 pounds overweight perhaps, but not for one who’s 30.

There’s a faint dark spot on my large monitor that’s noticeable but not enough to deter me from using it. The giant 32-inch screen spoils you and makes it hard to go back to a 15-inch monitor which my laptop is and which is connected to it. But it would be easier if I could rely on just the laptop alone because that would be easier to move around the house if I didn’t have to plug in and unplug cables. I’ll make that decision when it goes out completely but I don’t think it will anytime soon.

I love how I can check and see what mail we’re getting for the day to see if it’s worth going down to the mailbox or not. I usually go anyway because I like to walk and that way I can see Bob and Virginia if they’re out and about at that time. I still can’t believe she didn’t know that Mr. Twenties got hit.

I’m making separate storybooks on PB for my stories rather than having them in one giant entry in just one book as it makes editing easier that way. I’ll edit a chapter and throw it in an entry. Makes it easier to tell where I left off.

We got a pair of color-changing LED Smart bulbs and put one in the hall and the other in the master bathroom. They look really cool. I just wish I could get them to transition slower when cycling through the colors.

Shit! I’m spotting again. Maybe I really do have uterine cancer which my GYN warned me I have a risk of. Well, I’m not going back to her. I’ve had enough appointments! Just my regular maintenance ones are enough as it is. Besides, there’s a risk of a media right crashing down on my head and I gotta die someday anyway. Seriously, I’m sure it isn’t that. It’s just part of me having to have the longest, severe drawn-out perimenopause possible because Jodi S always has to have things as rough as they can possibly be as she never gets any breaks in life. Not that many anyway. Meanwhile, back on the thong liners I go.

Yesterday my crotch was burning so bad I wanted to claw my pussy off and toss it in the trash. I just don’t understand how I can burn after two weeks of not using the ointment. I guess some things just take time to heal. It’s better so far today but that doesn’t mean it won’t start burning again in five minutes. It comes and goes at random. The diaper rash ointment helps.

I noticed that Ray didn’t leave any comments on the thread I started on Jon’s wall about getting hit. Because I started the post?

Okay, I worked out 8 minutes today, so I can’t say I did nothing at all. Plus, I may go outside and hit the Bowflex later. Cleaning is kind of physical, too.

The loud car still hasn’t returned to live here and I still wonder if it’s because of my anonymous complaint. The timing sure is a coincidence. If it is because of me, how long will it take for the repercussions to begin? I know the rules… It’s perfectly okay for others to report people and maybe even get them in trouble but me? I’m “karmatized” as if I did something wrong and it was mean of me to have the nerve to report someone who was breaking any rules. I still wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if Johnson lost her job due to my letter and that’s part of why Tom lost his.

Last night I dreamed I was walking by his closed bedroom door shortly after he went to bed and heard him talking to himself as he was settling into sleep.

“Oh, no hurry,” he said at one point.

Then my niece Jennifer was still a kid and approached me to check out some picture I was holding of her. She wanted to know if it was a certain picture, but then she started to walk away. As she did so I said, “Every time I see you you get a little taller but you haven’t grown the last few times which makes me think you’re going to be short.”

Her reply was something inaudible.

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 13, 2017
I was sitting at my desk working on my book when I heard loud voices. Thinking it was just the workers or maybe someone’s grandkids visiting, I turned on my sound machine and thought nothing of it. I’d had enough of the landscaping, sawing and hammering throughout the day and I really wanted to concentrate on what I was doing.

About a half-hour later Tom got home and asked me what was going on. I said, “What are you talking about?” And he told me there were tons of cop cars in back of the house, including a firetruck and park officials. My first thought was that someone tried to steal something at the house that’s being flipped, like maybe some appliances.

But then Tom said he wondered if someone might’ve gotten hit by a car, but that it was unlikely they’d been killed because there was no police tape up. Curious, I went out to see what I could find out. A somewhat attractive policewoman was just leaving with a few patrol cars. There was a couple and a woman I’d never seen before who had been talking to her. When I approached them and asked what was going on, they told the cop that they would fill me in. So a frail woman named Connie J who was part of the neighborhood crime watch told me that an outsider came in to rummage through people’s trash that was put out for today’s bulk pickup that they do three times a year. When spotted by maintenance workers, the guy was told to leave. My first thought was why it mattered if it was stuff no one wanted anyway, but in reality, no one should have any reason to come into this village unless they’re invited… family, friends, caretakers, delivery people…

Anyway, the guy got pissed and they exchanged some words. At that point, Jon went out to assist them, phone in hand ready to take a picture of the license plate. Then the guy jumped back in his truck, barreled toward Jon and hit him. Carolyn said that she had been working in her office when she decided to go out and see if he needed help with anything and when she got outside she found him on the ground.

How scary! That would’ve been a terrifying and traumatic scene to have witnessed, and there were witnesses. Sadly, though, they haven’t caught the fucking cock.

I also learned from Connie that the woman in the news who was killed by an escaping robber at our local Rite Aid lived here.

Violence and death can strike a little too close to home at times. I could jog to this Rite Aid and Jon was hit right outside our house. I told Virginia about it a little while ago and she and Bob were leaving to take their daughter out for her birthday. I was surprised she didn’t know about it. She’s right next to us, though 20 feet or so further from the scene. Still, the cop cars extended back by their place. They were probably in the living room watching TV on the other side of their house.

As Connie said, we really need to start keeping these gates shut all the time and not just at night. This is one of the most upscale parks in the area. This shit shouldn’t be happening here. I hope they catch the guy. I would totally want to catch and lay anyone’s guts open that hurt Tom. If they catch him, it’s too bad Jon isn’t already in his 70s. He will be in February, but from what I heard, attacking somebody 70 or older is a more serious crime. I also hope the punk isn’t black so they don’t get a chance to play the fucking race card. Black, white, green, red, blue… chances are that with all the millions of vehicles out there the guy will never be caught. Who knows what kind of trace evidence may have been left behind? I wonder if the guy wonders if he might have killed the person he hit. Hopefully, he’ll be dumb enough to brag about his lovely deeds to the wrong person. Or at least trip and fall into a cactus.

Later in the evening, Carolyn reported that although he is bruised, cat scans and x-rays show that he’s otherwise okay. It would have been sad to lose him. Most of his Facebook posts are hilarious. I offered to bring some coffee over if they wanted, promising not to use any mugs with rat silhouettes. She laughed.

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 12, 2017
Got a letter from the park that they’re sending everyone about driveway inspections. If it’s deemed unsafe they’ll give you a 7-day legal notice to take care of the problem. It’s OUR driveway. WE’LL decide if it’s safe or not. Not them. Besides, what if someone can’t afford to fix or repave their driveway in just a week? What are they going to do, throw them out? Why don’t they focus on more important things? Like at least waiting until 8:00 if they’re going to do such loud landscaping every single fucking day instead of starting at 7:40. Tom read the letter when he got home and he thinks it’s just someone trying to get the park to pay for their driveway. I discussed it with the Twenties on Facebook and as I told them, we never expected the park to pay for or be responsible in any way for our driveway any more than our roof, toilets or appliances. And what driveways are in such bad shape around here anyway? Tom and I couldn’t think of any and when we were out we glanced at the driveways we passed and they looked fine. There are some that are so steep that they have metal plates where the driveways meet the roads. Maybe that’s what the letter’s referring to. Ours is steep too, but not to where we need a plate.

As expected, the increase in exercise has had absolutely no bearing whatsoever on my weight. What would work hasn’t changed. Neither has the fact that I’m not willing to cut about 500 calories from my daily diet. I already eat far less than your average American consumes. That’s okay, though. It’s better this way for a few reasons. For one I don’t have to worry about how my medication may affect me and I also wouldn’t have to go out and buy new clothes after replacing my entire wardrobe or close enough to it. I’m still going to keep active because it’s good for me anyway.

I was discussing the attempted military ban on transgenders by our hateful, perverted president. The slut tried to ban them, but as Tom says, he can see the cost of the surgery as being an issue but he doesn’t understand why the government can pay for those in the military but not for those who aren’t.

I personally don’t think insurance or the government should be responsible for paying for any unnecessary surgery or other unnecessary medical expenses for anyone. But yes, the government should pay for everyone’s necessary medical expenses regardless of who they are or what they do. But as we know all too well, this country loves to play favoritism. We can send all kinds of money and supplies overseas to those affected by natural disasters, but I had to go to the county quack to get my tooth pulled in a torturous manner while we were broke and also had to neglect all non-life-threatening health issues that still needed addressing. How many fucking years did I have Hashimoto’s before it was discovered, thanks to our lovely government that cares more about illegals and foreigners than its own?

But yeah, life is often unfair and twisted. We can’t speed but a pig can even when there’s no emergency. We can’t lie but a lawyer can so long as it keeps some murderous bastard out of jail. Beat up a white person and you’ll get a slap on the wrist. Make it black and you’re going down for life for a hate crime. All in all, it seems that gays are the one and only group left that’s “ok” to discriminate against and if it’s still this way in almost 2018 then it always will be.

Unless I’m just paranoid, I’m getting the feeling that Aly is unsure whether or not she really wants to be friends again. Or maybe she’s just busy. I don’t know. Whatever the case may be, I hope she’s doing well even if I still probably shouldn’t give a shit any more than I should be friends again with Kim as there’s nothing to say that history won’t repeat itself. I guess my attitude is to enjoy the good times while they last.

I noticed the SUV of one of the workers flipping the house that was parking alongside our carport is now parking in front of Jon & Carolyn. That’s fine but I wonder why all of a sudden. Did they hear me joking with Tom about tying the empty bread bag after feeding the ducks to the handle of the vehicle? Or did Jon & Carolyn mention anything to them? I statused about wondering why they were parking on us and not by the house they were working on.

They’re sawing some shit over there today but fortunately, I can’t hear it inside the house because they’re working on the other side of it.

The laundry/bathroom floor looks great. I can see what Tom means when he says the edges aren’t perfect but since this isn’t our forever home, I don’t care. The bulk of the floor is covered and that’s all that matters. And it’s not covered with tiles that are cold as ice, have corners sticking up and gouging your feet, and sticky shit that never dries (the adhesive Tom tried to secure the edges with).

I still have sore boobs but I finally quit bleeding. Meanwhile, where yesterday my crotch was burning as if from the same inflammation I would get from the steroid cream, today I’m itchy toward the front like I would normally be without treatment. Still have bumps on my pits too. I worry that the only way to get rid of it may be oral steroids. That’s a pretty scary thought even though I have been on steroids before. This was many years ago for breathing issues. But I was young and a very different person then. I didn’t have the medication phobia I have now either. The diaper rash ointment helps, but it would really be nice not to have this shit to begin with. If it wasn’t this, though, it would just be something else. I’m destined to be cursed with something or another no matter what, and it just may be worse than this.

I dreamed I had some cat playing with the rats, then I was in some kind of facility or institution where some woman with icy blue eyes and frosty pink lips yelled at someone who was passing out things to the people there. I’m not sure what it was she was passing out but the woman that got yelled at gave me some smoked cigarette butts to supposedly cover for the fact that I bought some cigarettes that weren’t actually for sale but samples instead. I guess getting caught with the sample cigarettes would’ve meant my getting in trouble.

MONDAY, DECEMBER 11, 2017
That inevitable burning of the crotch is back again, but that’s just it… I’m burning. Burning like I’m overdoing the steroid ointment even though I’m not using it. I’m not itching at all. At least not yet.

Lightheadedness has improved overall but I’m still a bit spotty. It is backing off, though. Finally!

Wasn’t it last week when the guy said they would be done with the house he’s flipping? Well, sure enough, they don’t look done to me.

Some kind of exterminator pulled up to Trisha’s house at 7 o’clock. Isn’t that a little early for a bug call?

The cable connecting my laptop to the big monitor is getting old and causing the monitor to flicker so we ordered a new one. They’re cheap. I won’t be at my regular desk where the big monitor is for most of the day anyway. I’ll be in the bedroom on the treadmill desk.

We also ordered me a new robe. My sky-blue robe is still okay but I just wanted a change. It just has one hole in it compliments of Tinkerboy back in the trailer. I’ll make little hammocks for the rats out of it. The robe I’m getting has colorful cupcakes and sprinkles against a white background. They say it will fit someone up to about a size 20 and I’m nowhere near that.

I also grabbed another one of those $8 Hanes sweatshirts that are so comfortable. I have a pink one, a blue one, a purple one, and later today I’ll have a green one.

He also grabbed a couple of color-changing LED bulbs that work with Alexa.

Every now and then I practice my languages by reviewing them on Duolingo. I’m a third of the way through the German course and I’m still passing tests. You have the option of trying to test out each section. If you can’t pass the test then the only way to advance is to do the lessons. This far into the course I didn’t think I would still be testing out though it is getting tougher the further I go.

I had another dream about Linda Ronstadt. This is the second one I’ve had of her in quite a while. We were talking somewhere.

I also had a dream that PB underwent many changes and I was annoyed because the site was all fouled up because of it. Then PB started selling merchandise and I got a Barbie-like doll wearing a top with a strap that went over one shoulder and a short full circle skirt in my favorite colors of pink and purple. I liked the fabric and design because it was similar to some of my own fashions. LOL

In the last dream, I was running through a large backyard with a cat happily chasing me. I knew it wanted to come inside with me and I was okay with that (I must not have had asthma in the dream) because it was windy out and getting rather nippy. It licked at my right hand as we ran for the house and then it tried to grab what was left of a colorful eraser in the other.

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 10, 2017
Now that the rats are back home I can do an entry. Even though I was going to take the day off from exercising, I’m on the skier right now and I don’t want to risk them getting too close to it and getting hit. Even smart animals do dumb things and sometimes their curiosity gets the better of them.

I slept shitty, though it had nothing to do with noise and I’m not tired today. I kept waking up and once I had a horrible taste in my mouth and this god-awful heartburn. My first thought was that I ate too much too close to bed and I got up and popped a couple of Rolaids. When I woke up I had the runs and figured I likely ate something bad. I still have mild queasiness here and there so I’m not totally better yet.

What shocked me was that I’m down another pound because I did indeed eat more than usual yesterday as I often do on Saturdays. It’s still too soon to say doubling my workout time is affecting my weight, though. It could be just water loss even though I’m still a little watery and my boobs are still a little bit sore. Sill spotty, too. At least I am less lightheaded today.

It took Tom 4 hours to finish the laundry and bathroom floors which looks fantastic! We’ll eventually do the same thing in the kitchen. Kind of wish we did from the get-go but this rug really is beautiful. It just sucks that the Roomba can’t handle it. Not having to vacuum for years has spoiled me.

After half a decade I decided a change would be nice in the bedroom along the wall where the dresser and a small desk are. It’s a very long wall at just over 12 feet. I was thinking that would be a great place for a mural and they’re so much easier to put up now than they were when we did the one we got in Maricopa. I created a Pinterest board for the various ideas I have in mind for possibilities. I knew I wanted something that didn’t have a lot of busyness and color to it that would clash with other things in the room and I also decided to rule out night skies and night cities because I figured they would make the room too dark. I like it pitch black in there when sleeping but don’t want it dark in there when I’m awake. I wanted a design with mostly neutral colors but that would be detailed and realistic enough. I prefer photos to artwork and so I settled on a close-up of large birch trees in a forest. It’s 100 bucks and we’re in no hurry because we have so many damn projects going on at the moment. The new windows won’t be ready until the first but we still have plenty of other things to do.

This morning we went to Walmart where I was stunned to have to pay $40 for an inhaler WITH insurance that I’ll probably only use once or twice in the next year if even that. What’s the point of having insurance if you still have to pay a fortune? I wish this country would get with the times but I know we’ll never have universal health care here.

I also couldn’t resist a pair of rainbow slippers with a little Beanie Baby cat head with shiny pink ears and pink glitter eyes on the top of the foot. We were going to go to Payless to look for new sneakers but they didn’t open as early as I would have liked.

We grabbed a few groceries and headed home where Tom had set up this really cool new hose. It’s got a green cloth covering and it’s really cool because when the water is off it kind of shrivels up and contracts. He’s outside blowing leaves and trimming bushes now.

The weather is cold and getting colder with lows averaging in the 30s and highs in the 60s. That will drop 10° before spring and some of the highs may not even make it to the 50s on rainy days. It got down to 35° last night.

I don’t know why I have so many dreams about being “with” Scott as I never had an ounce of attraction for him. But while I wasn’t officially with him in the dream I seemed to be a part of his life on a regular basis and I overheard someone saying how sweet I was and that I couldn’t have done what I was once accused of doing. Then either he was telling that the person or they were telling him that a psychic told him he was to meet the perfect person real soon. They said it in a way that suggested that person was me.

Then I had a dream about sitting in a car that was idling and I was unable to turn it off. I rolled down the window and called out to Tom who was nearby, got out of the car and let him take care of it. We were talking about him trimming my bangs afterward but then I changed my mind.

Mrs. Bowe was giving me a foot massage and I was worried about whether or not my schedule was fit for some kind of fancy dinner party that I was invited to that evening.

In the last dream, we were living in our Maricopa house once again when I was walking by the back door and noticed it was slightly ajar. The door had been an issue before and I was annoyed with Tom for not fixing it. Then I was walking toward the den when I saw movement in the bathroom. I realized it was a woman’s arm. Then a short, grossly obese or possibly pregnant woman, came out of the room shouting some mumbo-jumbo. I began to turn and run out of the house but then I stopped and turned around to face the bitch. Not sure what happened next.

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 9, 2017
Not much to update on right now so I’ll probably just keep this entry private since it’s mostly going to be the latest dreams. The only thing I can really update on is that Aly, Kim and I exchanged messages and tweets yesterday. It was so nice. Aly said she wasn’t sure where we stood and I told her we could stand wherever she wants and that I’m available for private messaging and texting as well if she wants my current number.

I don’t know why I never stopped missing them, especially Aly. I’m normally not a forgiving person since resuming friendships has usually backfired on me in the past, and maybe it will this time too. You never do know. It’s a chance I’m willing to take. All others from my past, I have no desire to rekindle a relationship of any kind. I’m at a point in life where I don’t wish them any harm or anything like that and have become rather indifferent. So I don’t actively hope Andy gets sick and I don’t care if my Aunt Ruth wins the lottery. It’s all meaningless to me.

Woke up several times last night but not due to noise. Even so, I still feel well-rested. Just a little lightheaded today but now that I’m back on Amberen it should back off.

Last night I dreamed I was standing in some kind of garage. It was pretty dark so I couldn’t see the plastic spider very well that I was playing with, tossing it around in my hands. I dropped it and went to pick it up, only the thing scurried away. Freaked out, I ran to the door that led to the hotel that the garage was attached to where Tom and I were staying. I found that when I wasn’t looking someone had dragged a piece of furniture in front of the door to make it harder for me to re-enter the building. Getting a little spooked, I managed to move the furniture and gain entry into the hotel. I was then in a long corridor that was brightly lit and began running towards the elevator. A fast runner, I got to the elevators fast only to realize I’d forgotten what floor we were staying on.

Then I was outdoors again and again it was nighttime. I was walking along a beach somewhere. I think it was a beach, anyway. The moon was low and huge. Huger than I’d ever seen it before in my life. The edges were also unusually fuzzy. I glanced toward a large open area that might’ve been an empty parking lot or something like that. I was amazed by how much the moonlight lit it up.

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 8, 2017
Back on Amberen I go. I decided to see how I did without it as we were wondering if maybe it was part of what was making my period so long and drawn out. Come to think of it, I did start the Amberen the last time I had a period 5 months ago. Just like the last time I stopped the Amberen, I’m extremely lightheaded. Sometimes I wonder if I’ll be that way for the rest of my life if I don’t take it. When something goes on for so long I worry that it’s permanent. It just seems like I always get the short end of the stick in that things are always the hardest they can possibly be for me. My periods themselves got extreme at times and sometimes I wonder if anybody’s ever experienced such rough perimenopause. I hate to think of what childbirth may have been like for me!

I just hope my next period, and yes, there will be a next one, isn’t so long and drawn out with killer PMS for weeks and then weeks of mostly spotting. I’m sure I still have years to go with my shit luck. I did have more of a flow yesterday which relieved the water retention quite a bit, though I do still have some soreness in my boobs and I’m still spotting. The question is do I want to go back to the doctor for yet another appointment if it doesn’t stop on its own? I’m thinking no. I’m tired of all these appointments and I think it’s time I just learn to live with some things instead of running to the doctor for everything. Sometimes ignorance really is bliss. It’ll either stop or it won’t. I trust my body to do what it thinks is best.

But yeah, things do have a way of returning to haunt me. It’s only a matter of time before the anxiety returns, and now that I’m off the steroid cream I suppose my crotch is going to be burning and itching soon.

I’m glad the freeway construction only lasted one night. Yeah, sometimes you can’t get any peace around here even at night. We’re only about 1000 feet away from the freeway so you not only hear the roar of traffic except for during the summer months but any nighttime construction can be heard easily in here.

I managed to do an hour of exercise yesterday. I did 10 minutes on the skier today but I’m not sure I want to hit the treadmill or the Bowflex to do additional time until I’m feeling less lightheaded. I’ve got laundry, editing and other things to do anyway. I already ran the dishes and ordered the groceries, so that’s done.

I tweeted directly to Aly and told her that I wasn’t sure if she wanted me tweeting to her not but that I hope she’s doing better. Also, she can feel free to tweet directly to me anytime she wants.

Again I had a series of interesting dreams, one of them not being any fun at all since the blacks were part of it. It seemed like the she-black and the he-black were lying on a hotel bed and she was trying to tell me about some tragedy she once went through all the while they had a pending court case against me. I’m not sure what the case was about but I was worried that even though I knew I didn’t make any threats to them they would still get me for six months to a year. Plus, I worried I wouldn’t be able to handle jail due to my health problems, knowing I would have to fight for weeks to get my meds. I played the sympathy card, telling her I was sorry she went through the trauma she went through in hopes of it getting her to drop her legal vendetta.

Then I had a dream I spotted Jim and said hello. He turned away from me angrily and I wondered why but didn’t ask him.

Then my dream self was sitting on a Hawaiian beach thinking how we lived in Arizona and should move to California because it was too easy to get in trouble for nothing at all in such a harsh state like Arizona. I sat gazing out at a nearby island and realized that I could swim to it, not that I wanted to. Then I got up and walked through an outdoor restaurant and into a restroom.

In the last dream, there were several people that wanted to buy our house. They decided to write their names down on a piece of paper and randomly pick one as the “winner” of our house, including the realtor, which I didn’t like because I felt that for some reason it would delay the sale from going through. Not sure who won, though.

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 7, 2017
Yay for Australia for legalizing gay marriage! I was surprised to learn that they’re the 25th country to legalize it. With so many haters out there I didn’t think there were that many countries. But then 25 isn’t much when you consider how many countries there are, and I can’t believe countries dominated by Middle Easterners or Hispanics/Latins would ever legalize it or Africa. Funny how those who claim to be the most discriminated against can be so hateful themselves, huh? Wouldn’t it be wonderful if they could show the same tolerance they expect of others?

Just when I thought my energy had returned, shortly after my last entry I ended up going down for a nap for about an hour. The rest of the day I felt fatigued. I am getting so sick of this! I’m just tired of being tired. I miss my old energy. How am I going to ever know if working out an hour a day is going to make a difference with my weight if half of the time I’m too damn tired to do it in the first place? I’m taking advantage of this burst of energy and I’m on the skier now as I do this entry, knowing full well that within an hour or so I’m going to be tired for the rest of the day.

I have an appointment with the dermatologist scheduled for March 12.

Nearly 2 weeks later I’m still hoping for a full-blown period instead of just spotting so I can get this water off of me and relieve the soreness in my boobs, and while it is picking up a little, it’s still not enough for a big pad.

Thoughts of an Introvert. I noticed there’s a new user with that name and it seems like a name Aly would choose. Well, they haven’t blocked me but if they’ve written anything they’re obviously going FO.

What I find strange about the birthday wish, however kind it was, is that she tweeted it to herself and not me directly. Was she just curious to see if I was still following her? She said she didn’t know if I was still on Twitter and that if I saw that, happy birthday. Again, that’s really nice of her but why couldn’t she tell me this directly? So, out of curiosity, I tweeted to her but not directly and said that I hope she’s doing better. If she saw it, she’s ignoring it. I get the feeling that she wants to make amends without being friends again. If she really wasn’t sure I was still on Twitter, why didn’t she take the time to look? She knows I’m reconnected with Kim. I don’t want to bother with anyone that doesn’t want to bother with me so I’ll keep my distance rather than start following her or tweeting regularly to her unless anything changes. I still greatly appreciate the birthday wish, though!

Later…

My period is picking up a bit and so are my energy levels - yes!

I had many detailed dreams last time around and I even slept better too, so I’m kind of surprised I remember so many dreams.

I was walking along a sidewalk somewhere. There was a scattering of people walking as well. Some were seated at these round tables in a nearby grassy area. As I walked by one of the tables at which two men sat, I overheard one guy saying they were molested as a kid and how they went on to become a rapist. For a minute I considered stopping to give them a beatdown, but instead, I took my hair down and pulled the stray hairs out of the elastic it had been bound with.

In the next dream, I had a gun with a laser sight in my hands. Not sure where I was or why I had it, though.

Then I had a dream that Linda Ronstadt died and I was in the cellar of my childhood home sitting on a couch watching TV. A German Shepherd came up to me and placed its head in my lap affectionately. I patted its back but the size of the thing was making me nervous.

“Want to go upstairs?” I asked it, and it seemed to know what I was saying and began to wag its tail in anticipation.

So I ran up the stairs but the stairs turned into a ladder at the very top with far-spaced rungs. The dog became a tiny thing barely bigger than my rat and somehow clung to the wall. It was dark and I couldn’t see well. I was becoming scared as I began to doubt whether or not I could climb up into the kitchen. I considered calling out to my dad, asleep upstairs.

The last dream was seen through the eyes of this guy who let himself into some apartment in a large building. He entered the place, sat down on the couch opposite the door, and called his girlfriend. He assumed she mailed him the key to the apartment that she supposedly rented recently. But the woman was telling him that that wasn’t her apartment and that hers was on the 6th floor, not the 10th.

The guy became both confused and concerned when a black teen suddenly entered the place. Not wanting to get caught up in any trouble he scared the kid off and left the place, leaving the key in the door.

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 6, 2017
I’m now 99.9% sure my elevated white blood cell count is due to having an autoimmune disease. Tammy confirmed that her own white blood cell count has been elevated for years and she has a couple of autoimmune diseases. Because I likely had Graves’ disease when I was younger, this would explain why it was elevated back then as well. My dumbass body thinks it’s one big disease, including my skin cells. That’s why I have this rash which I’ve learned is called lichen planus. I read that it usually goes away on its own. Yeah, right. Like mine is going to go away on its own because I’m always oh-so normal and within the norm and because I ever get any breaks in life? I may be stuck with it for life if my body can’t tolerate any of the treatments available.

Although I know it will be a waste of time, money and gas, I got an appointment scheduled with a hematologist on January 2. Because women doctors are now more in demand, I think the only reason I was able to get in that soon is that he’s a guy. He’s also a foreigner and people just don’t want to deal with the fucking accents. They take the time to learn our language but they don’t care to talk like us so we can better understand them. I appreciate the foreign doctors adding to the list of American doctors so that there wouldn’t be even more waiting time to get in to see a doctor for whatever, but just a few minutes a day of speech/accent practice could really go a long way to making a difference in being more comprehensible. The last thing people need is communication errors when it comes to their health. Whenever I’ve had to speak Spanish to those who didn’t speak English, I always did my best to affect the accent.

Soon I’ll make an appointment with the dermatologist. My top four picks, which happened to be closest to us, are women. This means it will probably be months before I can get in. I didn’t have a choice with the hematologist because Dr. A recommended that one herself.

It hit me after my last entry that the mysterious fatigue I had yesterday was probably caused by the flu shot. I’m on the skier right now as I speak because I know it’s only a matter of time before something steals my energy and I can’t work out. Still not sleeping that great either. I woke up several times, one time in which I considered getting up and making some Sleepytime tea before I fell back asleep. I don’t know why I go back and forth with that. Sometimes I sleep well, sometimes I don’t.

I was thinking I might stop the Amberen for a while and see how I do. If I start sleeping worse, getting lightheaded, or too hot flashy, I’ll go back on it. I don’t think I’m very likely to go hot flashing that easily since we’re getting down into the 30s at night. It was fucking freezing when we went to Denny’s in the morning yesterday! We went at 2 AM and sure enough, a woman with a baby comes and sits right next to us. I know babies don’t have much of a schedule but come on! At 2am? We go out at that hour not only to avoid crowds but the brats as well. Being that the place was mostly empty, we were able to move. It didn’t end up being that noisy, though, and it left not too long afterward. Of course, if we didn’t have the option to move, it would’ve been there screaming its ass off the whole time.

Anyway, I got a traditional breakfast… bacon, eggs, pancakes and a biscuit.

Watching The Missing on AP. It’s pretty good so far, but of course it’s foreign. Everything these days is either documentaries or foreign, but at least it’s good.

My Blogger blog, which I may or may not resume using, has been getting spam for some reason so I disabled comments.

As for losing weight, I think all I can do is just exercise when I can and try to eat sensibly most days. From what I’m learning, not all weight can be lost, especially if you’re older. I used to believe that all fat people stuffed themselves silly and that anyone could lose weight. See how ignorant we can be when it’s something we haven’t experienced first-hand? LOL Like a straight person who’s so sure gays choose to be that way, or those that believe all the depressed need to do is smile and tell themselves all is just peachy.

It seems that the longer we’re heavy, the more it literally becomes us. It’s us. A part of us just like our height is a part of us.

Can’t remember much in the way of dreams for the last couple of nights. Just something about showing Patrice, my porcelain ballerina doll, to my old celebrity pictures, Tom baking his mother a cake while I made dinner, and Bob so sure that I killed someone and that I’d be the “best bum in the trees.”

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 5, 2017
Saw Dr. A in the morning, and damn, the appointments really do multiply like cockroaches! First, she agrees my lower TSH readings were probably me having pocket flares but that when I’m not, the numbers aren’t high enough to worry about. Also, I feel good and that’s what matters most. I can tell I’m not low on thyroid just by how fast my hair and nails grow. My skin isn’t too dry either.

She feels the bleeding and water retention will back off on its own, but if worse comes to worst and it doesn’t, I can return to the GYN. I’m still spotting though very lightly.

I was given a flu shot and I don’t have to see her again for six months at which time she’ll test my thyroid, cholesterol, estrogen and other things they routinely test for.

She did recommend statins again, but I still want to wait. My cholesterol isn’t off the charts high anyway, and my ultrasound showed I didn’t have any signs of plaque in my arteries.

I told her it’s getting harder to keep weight off and asked if increasing my exercise from 30 minutes to 60 minutes would help make a difference since I can’t sustain 1000-1200 calories every single day. I really need 1500-1700 or else I’m dizzy, hungry and grumpy. She said it would help to increase my exercise, and she also gave me a booklet on low-carb menus which she usually gives to diabetics. She says that even though I don’t have diabetes it’s good for anyone to follow. The only challenge is being able to exercise the five days a week I’d like to get in as I’m just too tired too much of the time. Because I have sleep issues that leave me tired so much of the time, I don’t think I’ll have the energy to work out more than 3-4 days a week. It’s better than nothing and I’ll work out any day I’m awake enough to.

Even right now I’m totally exhausted. I simply woke up too early. If it isn’t traffic waking me up too early or a nightmare, then I wake up for no apparent reason. My sleep has always been and always will be cursed. So… No exercise tonight. I’m just too tired. :-( We are going to go to Denny’s real early before he has to go to work, though. Wish I could take a nap but 9 out of 10 times, as tired as I am, I can’t get myself to nap. It really sucks because I would get so much more done so much faster, including editing my books, if I didn’t have to spend half my life tired. I really hope some of the tiredness is the peri because that can’t last forever, even if it sometimes feels like it will.

My white blood cell count continues to be elevated even though I have no apparent infections, and so she wants me to see a hematologist. I’m just about a hundred percent sure it’s nothing. I know it can be a sign of leukemia but I’ve had high white blood cell count readings for a long time, even back in my 20s and 30s. I think it’s just how I am, just like I have a high HR for no apparent reason. It was clocked at 101 even though I wasn’t nervous at all. My blood pressure was 140/70 something. Since I’ve had a habit of having a high white blood cell count for many years, I’d think it would’ve developed into something serious by now if it was going to do so. I think they would just rather do extra tests and find nothing wrong rather than not do extra tests and find something was wrong later on. It’s their job to cover all the bases and rule out anything they can. But while it’s easy for them, it’s a pain in the ass for me. It puts more stress on my schedule and means Tom has to take more time off.

What surprised me was that they called back yesterday afternoon with referrals after I’d gone to bed. I thought it would be a few days or more before I heard back from them. Sure enough, the name they gave me isn’t American. Some kind of Indian name which means I’ll have to struggle with understanding the fucking accent. During those few months we lived with Raj and Tina up in Oregon I quickly learned that the Indian accent is very hard to comprehend. sighs I don’t understand why it’s become harder and harder to get American doctors in America! It really sucks. But then again, my eye doctor looks Asian while she has a Spanish name yet her accent is clearly American, so maybe I’ll get lucky and it’s just the name that’s not American. My own (maiden) name is German after all.

I’m not sure if I really want to bother with that hematologist for the same reason I don’t want statins right now… Because I have no symptoms that make life hard on me like I would if I didn’t take my thyroid meds. Also, I’m just sick of all the goddamn appointments! I realize they’re not going to stop unless I stop them. The extra ones, I mean. Other than the dermatologist, dentist and ENT, I don’t want to be adding yet another appointment and making doctors’ offices like a second home. Let’s wait till I actually am dying someday for that.

Despite feeling confident that the high white blood cell count is nothing to worry about, I’m trying not to think of how I worried that I would continue to have one health problem after another and how seldom my bad feelings are wrong. Upon moving into this place I had a bad feeling that my health would come under attack, and it did. I suffered on and off for three years both physically and psychologically. I’m also trying not to think of the fact that I had a bad feeling that once the medication issues/peri were resolved, I would be in for something new shortly afterward. Lastly, I’m trying not to think of the nagging feeling I had that told me that what happened a few years ago happened to prepare me for something worse. Seriously, though, leukemia doesn’t run in my family that I know of. If anything is going to kill me someday it’s likely to be a heart attack or a stroke.

She said their dermatologist, which I do want to see because I have symptoms I can actually feel, is usually booked up three or four months so feel free to look for a dermatologist on my own.

Aly wished me a happy birthday on Twitter and that really made my day. Was glad to learn that she’s home from the hospital, too. :-)

So life is good other than a few annoyances like being tired, having too many appointments, and pipes rattling in the wall when we shower in the large shower.

MONDAY, DECEMBER 4, 2017
Instead of “ski blogging” I think I’ll just sit in the chair as I speak this entry. It’s just discouraging when you know that no matter what you do you’ll never lose a damn pound. I suppose I should do it for the other health benefits it has to offer, but maybe tomorrow. Besides, it’s my birthday and I’ve already done stuff I didn’t exactly want to do.

I made up a batch of mashed potatoes. I know I could’ve waited or asked Tom to do it but I didn’t want to wait too long and have the potatoes go bad since we’ve had them for over a week.

I also drained and dipped some incense, and being the messy pain in the ass that it is, I’m not sure it’s worth it, though I do intend to use up what supplies I’ve got left. The propylene glycol stripped off my nail polish and I had just done my fucking nails, too. The chemicals are messy and the blank sticks are dusty.

Trying not to fret over my appointment this morning and what medications with nasty side effects the doctor may be eager for me to try. I just have to remember she’s not my mother, this isn’t Valleyhead, and I do have the right to say no to any additional treatment I’d rather not deal with. I can go without statins because there are no symptoms until and if I have a heart attack or stroke. I can’t go without thyroid medication, however, or else the symptoms will be pretty tough to live with. No way I’m taking any more than what I’m already taking, though. Remember, I do gotta die someday anyway. I’d rather live another 10 years feeling good than another 20 being affected by side effects or at least worrying about them. Fewer drugs, less stress. Especially when it’s not a case of do or die at the moment. I’m still relatively healthy. Not as healthy as Tom but healthy enough.

Tom got the sound machine to play all night last night, but sure enough, it stopped after a while. I crashed around 11 AM and woke up at 5 PM. I was like, shit! This is too early. So I took lorazepam and slept until 8 PM. Even though I’m not eager to see the doctor, I’m so glad to have the schedule stress lifted for a while! At least till I see the dermatologist who will probably tell me she can’t do anything to help me.

I ran that Tracey B name that sent me that weird email and came up with others on Facebook who got the exact same message. Tom suspects it’s probably an attack on that person.

The windchimes are going off so it’s a windy night out there.

We replaced the kitchen ceiling panel that fell and broke and laid down the new eggplant rug and trimmed the edges. It’s a gorgeous shag rug and I love the color. Since we weren’t smart enough to laminate the floors except for the bedrooms, that’s the color carpet I think we should have chosen. It’s a beautiful shade of burgundy that’s not boring like brown and gray but dark enough to hide any stains. We’ll probably only keep it for a year or so and then install the same foam tiles that we’re now installing in the bathroom and laundry room. The only thing I don’t like about the rug is that the bot can’t handle it. So I will have to vacuum that room myself.

We also smart-switched the kitchen light by the refrigerator, and over my coloring station, as I call it. It’s the area that divides the kitchen and living room.

Saw that Aly’s getting out of the hospital soon, and you know what? I’m okay with it if she decides she doesn’t want to reconnect in the future. No hard feelings or anything, it’s just that I’ve done my part and that’s really all I can do. I apologized for my mistakes and the rest is up to her. Should I really have to prove myself to anyone anyway?

Couldn’t help but scoff a bit when she said she was hurt that no one contacted her to ask how she was doing. Well, when you push people away they can’t always contact you, can they? I would have gladly tweeted to her or texted her but she told me to stay away and so I’m respecting her wishes. I just think that’s something she should think about; people can’t be there for her if she won’t let them. :-) But I’m here for her to either contact or not contact. Like I said, it’s up to her. No one can make her decisions for her.

“Mr. Twenties” shared an adorable rat vid on my wall. I’ve watched it twice already. It’s as cute as my rat leggings that I’m probably too old and too fat for but don’t give a shit. I love them anyway and they’re so comfy.

I had a dream that I was in a hotel room that had two beds in it. A light-colored rat I’d never seen before came up to me and was so incredibly friendly. I just adored it right away. My rats were sitting on the other bed and I went to introduce them but to my dismay, Burke and Simon weren’t the least bit welcoming and Dumbo ran and hid. Rats usually get along with other rats but Burkey boy would probably attack. He’s just like that, I guess, a true bully at heart.

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 3, 2017
I’m getting the strangest emails lately. In the subject line, someone calling themselves Tracey wrote: I HATE YOU - F U

Then their message was: Dear Scumbag, I just wanna tell you that you suck. I will never forgive you for what you did to me, you piece of crap. ASSHOLE! Do not you dare to talk to me again. Believe me, you don’t wanna see my other side, ask your goddamn sister, she has seen it. Kiss my ASS, T.B

WTF? Just WTF? I’ve never seen a scam like this before. Where the hell did this person, if it’s their real name, get my email address, and why would they send this to multiple people? They sent it to nine other people. Sending a “fuck you” message just doesn’t seem like your typical way to get sensitive info, though. Usually, it’s some kind of lottery scam or inheritance ploy. Funny they mentioned a sister but I think it’s safe to say that at least every other person has a sister. Just wonder if it’s someone I know but it doesn’t seem like a game Andy would play. Maliheh? Shitheads in Arizona? I guess I’ll never know as curious as I am. It’s interesting, alright. It almost looks like they took a bunch of email addresses that have spammed them since they seem like businesses, and included mine in the reply. I’m not having any disputes right now with anyone so yeah, it’s probably just a new twist on phishing.

Getting to my Monday appointment should definitely not be an issue, even if it means having to take lorazepam to stay asleep long enough to get there. It seems like every other day lately I’m waking up, unable to fall back asleep. I suppose part of it is the stress of the appointment and the other part is, according to Tom, coming to the end of the perimenopause.

What end? Seriously, sometimes I feel like there is no end. I’m still spotty, crampy, watery, and my boobs are sore. Never have I had this degree of soreness that didn’t end with a real period. I can’t believe it’s going to simply back off on its own.

The results of my shit test came back negative so that much is good.

Anyway, I didn’t want to resort to lorazepam after all these months, but then I figured hey, we paid for it, it’s here, so I might as well use it. At least I’m using it for sleep and not anxiety. When it expires, since I don’t expect to use it up before it does, I’ll have to figure out what the new lorazepam is going to be. Benadryl? Melatonin? Those two may leave me feeling more hung over. I expected to wake up with grogginess after I got back to sleep after the tea and turkey I tried first failed to help, but I actually woke up feeling pretty good. Been up since 6 PM and I would like to stay up until at least 8 AM.

I asked myself over and over if it was possible that I might have accidentally skipped a dose and if that could be why my TSH is up, but I don’t think so, and I don’t see how cutting the time that one day could make it jump so much either. We think maybe I still do have pocket flares and it was during one of those flares that I got the lower readings.

I’m just tired of the same old shit year after year. I’m glad I haven’t had as much anxiety, and I sure as hell aren’t going to take any more medication that could get me back there. I kind of ranted on Facebook when I was venting last night. I was a bit surprised, though pleased when Carolyn responded by letting me know she was thinking of me, dear neighbor, and always here for me. That was very nice of her.

Totally love my new rat leggings that came today! They fit perfectly and sadly they’re an XXL.

I had the energy to work out today, so then why didn’t I? I guess I was just too lazy to. Besides, it’s discouraging when you keep losing and gaining the same 3 pounds.

Anyway, by all appearances, Aly really is in the hospital based on the lack of activity on her Twitter account and Kim’s reports. For a minute I wondered if maybe she was just leading me to think she was so she would have an excuse in her mind not to acknowledge my birthday, but I think she really is, and I think it’s connected to her skin. At this time I don’t think she has cancer. I think she’s in remission as far as anything they couldn’t remove goes like when they removed her breasts.

Right now the hot buttered rum incense is draining and I’m dipping a little more of that in the leftover oil as well as some sweet patchouli. I’m not smelling the patchouli in it, though. It actually smells more like vanilla scent cartridges that Glade used to make. The magnolia smells like lilacs so I don’t know if I’m going to like that one very much. The only version of Magnolia I truly loved was originally sold by Incense Galore and I’ve never been able to find it ever since the owner went to prison.

Just got up and decided to dip a few more scents to speed things up. So I have 6 out of the 10 soaking now.

I printed out labels for the bags. I’m sending 10 sticks of each scent to Tammy, Mark and the girls, and 10 of each scent to Eileen as well. Really hope they like them!

Speaking of Eileen, I received a lovely birthday card from her today. I really appreciate it, too.

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 1, 2017
I woke up with something I don’t get too often… a headache. I gave it time to see if it would go away on its own. When it didn’t, I took Ibuprofen.

It’s been a couple of days since I updated my journal so I’m trying to remember where I left off. I think I left off messaging Dr. A about bumping the labs up a little early and she surprised me by getting back to me that night. She said I was good to go, so I went back the next day (yesterday) without any problem.

Slept okay today but yesterday I slept shitty as hell and was unable to get back to sleep so I took a Lorazepam for the first time since July. I had everything but the anxiety. Lots of insomnia, stress and frustration.

After the lab, we went to Raley’s and I really enjoyed the fried chicken I got since I had been avoiding things with cholesterol leading up to the labs. The results aren’t online yet and neither are the results of my shit test. They took 3 vials for TSH, T4 and cholesterol. Plus I’m sure they check blood sugar along with liver and kidneys.

I also messaged Dr. G and told her I was starting to have the same burning sensation I had with the other stuff. In addition to asking for advice on that, I told her that after five months I’m having a light period but still retaining water and still have sore boobs, and asked if she thinks I’m going to be done soon with periods.

She still not only recommends I have a hysteroscopy for irregular bleeding, but she could also recommend a dermatologist for me. Funny she mentioned a dermatologist because as I told her, I plan to ask Dr. A about that since I think I have the same thing on my armpits. Also, I’m not having “irregular” periods. I’m just still having periods in the first place. For some reason, I was early to start and I’m obviously going to be late to stop as well. I could be one of those women who doesn’t stop till her mid to late 50s. if I’m still having periods well into next year then I might consider investigating since I’m getting a little too old as an American for this shit. If I was German that would be different. I am a quarter Austrian, though, which is practically the same thing and they typically don’t hit menopause until the late 50s so maybe my uterus thinks it’s German or something.

Tammy has been in a lot of pain, put back on steroids, and I guess they’re going to try a different type of surgical procedure soon.

All the incense-making supplies are now here so I’m getting started tonight starting with the hot buttered rum. Damn, it smells good in here.

I asked Tom what he thought about Hawaii doing nuclear test drills due to North Korea’s threats and he said it’s nothing to worry about and that no one even knows if they can shoot missiles that far. Furthermore, it takes a lot of time and money that the country doesn’t have to get their weapons nearly as deadly as ours, etc.

I hope he’s right. People do make threats all the time after all, that they never carry out and act on. That’s why I would never worry about anyone threatening me because unless they actually did something to me, it’s just talk as far as I’m concerned. I know most people, however, take threats very seriously. Therefore, I asked him why we don’t just take out North Korea altogether since we have the power to do so and end people’s worries, and he said other countries don’t like countries that work that way.

So what? Fuck other countries. We worry too much about other countries as it is and not enough about what’s best for us. Besides, most of the world hates the US now anyway so what difference does it make? I’d rather do what’s best for us than worry about what others think, though I still agree that NK has yet to prove they can do us any real harm. They’re a tiny, poor country, and we could wipe them out in an instant. They would have to hate themselves and their friends and family just as much as us in order to be willing to accept the consequences that would come from attacking us. Sadly, however, there are numerous people who would gladly spite themselves to spite others. That’s what made the welfare bums a bit scary in Arizona. Not only were they playing the race card in a state and time that encouraged that, but they would have gladly died for us. Gladly. They’d throw their own fucking kids under of bus to screw us.

While it seems that people are only considerate of others in the wrong kind of way, I agree with him… NK’s just full of hot air. No point in doing anything unless they actually do something themselves. Anyone can threaten anybody anytime about anything, but they can’t necessarily carry out those threats even if they may want to. I don’t doubt that NK would completely wipe us out of existence if they could at the simple snap of their fingers. But that’s just a fantasy, so no point in worrying unless something actually happens.

I just wish someone would assassinate Trump already! People may still be responsible for their own actions, but if NK does anything, part of it is going to be his fault. He’s done nothing but fuck this country up. The only good he’s done is put limits, however temporary they may be, on making it harder for dangerous cultures to travel here. Other than that, he hates gays, he hates women, he hates Jews, and he chooses to act like he’s still in high school by bullying and possibly inviting trouble that not only would he have to deal with but the rest of us as well. This is a man who stands for little more than hate and bullying and will do everything he can to spread and encourage these things.

Last night I dreamed that Tammy sent me a colorful blowup desk to use to color on, LOL.

I also dreamed Tom and I lived in a house much bigger than this one and it had at least three bedrooms and a cellar. I was down and the cellar at one point and noticed some food sitting on a small table I’d forgotten about. Some cooked food that was vacuum-sealed in plastic wrap, plus some potatoes. Upstairs in the living room, I eyed a metal bracket that was attached to where the ceiling and wall joined and was covered with spackling.

Then I got some kind of job related to law enforcement and some guy was accusing me of lying about something.

Lastly, I was getting my hair done at some salon in the last dream, and someone was accusing the young stylist of being dishonest.

Speaking of hair, I decided to try that Just for Men in light-medium brown. The stuff is applied to dry hair like regular dye. The only good thing is that you only need to let it sit on your head for 5 minutes instead of 40 and it actually smells kind of good. Brown looks better on me than black, though the black part of my hair is still the same. That would have to be either bleached or cut off. More than likely, I’ll cut a little off every six months or so. As a woman, I still don’t want my hair above my shoulders.

OMG, I just got all kinds of horrible numbers back from my doctor who said to be sure to keep our Monday appt. and I totally want to scream right now! I expected my white blood cell count to be a little elevated and I expected my cholesterol to be bad. But how the fuck did my TSH jump from 6 to 11??? Ugh! I’m in tears and so ready to just give up on my health altogether. Fuck my health! I gotta die someday anyway. I’ve done nothing but battle with health issues these last few years and I’ve had enough. I just want to totally wash my hands clean of everything… the labs, doctors, medication… everything. Sometimes the best way to deal with a problem really is to just walk away from it. I’ve got problems that can’t be cured or treated, I know she’ll want to up my levothyroxine and statin me, and I’m getting to feel overwhelmed once again. I haven’t had any serious anxiety since last summer and there’s no way in hell I want to risk that with either additional or new medication. Just no fucking way. Especially being alone during weekdays when he’s working.