September 2017 in 2010s

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 30, 2017
We went to Toys R Us earlier only to find it surprisingly dead, reflecting the falling birthrate. So was the fact that they’re going bankrupt. Most things were overpriced, too. There were dozens of cute dolls and while a few of them were reasonably priced, many were $40 - $60. Not worth it, especially for plastic kids’ dolls. So it was probably the first time ever that I walked out of there empty-handed. They didn’t even have any children’s coloring books. Just adults’. This is okay, though, because I still have plenty of coloring books and plenty of knickknacks to have to dust. It’s just nice to get out.

At this time of year, the only time you don’t hear the freeway traffic at night is on Friday and Sunday night. Late last night I was thinking how quiet it was and then starting at 3:30, I could hear planes flying around for the next hour and a half. So I’m not even safe from that shit in the middle of the night. Right now I hear freeway traffic. I guess I’m not in for the TV tonight otherwise I would’ve heard it by now and they don’t usually fly two days in a row, thank God, so I guess it will just be traffic tonight.

The planes are just fucking ridiculous at times. I don’t know if this is a new thing or if we’re near an airport but I’ve never lived anywhere where I’ve heard this much plane activity. It’s definitely number three on my complaint list for LV.

Wondering how many more appointments it’s going to take Kathleen to become a whole different person, and I know damn well she will. Stacey is far from the only one that’s pulled that on me, too. The first time I remember it happening to me was when I lived on Woodside Terrace in Springfield when I called a girl who gave me her number at the bar. She didn’t just act like she didn’t know who the hell I was but also like she was totally annoyed by my calling her. But being the polite little sucker that I was back then I was nice about it. These days I would’ve been like, “Well, what the fuck did you give me your number for if you knew you didn’t want me calling?”

Sometimes I wonder if people actually like getting people’s hopes up and leading them on even if they’re doing it subconsciously and aren’t even aware of it, not that I think Kathleen is doing any such thing of the sort. But people, in general, do make me wonder. I’m not talking about those who have dumped me like Alison did. I’m talking about those who seem to want to be your friend (or more than that) that blow you off or suddenly change their mind for some reason.

Maliheh pulled the same thing on me when I called her in 1991, acting practically offended that I would dare consider calling her at the number she gave me.

My guess is that Kathleen chose to simply be “friendly” instead of saying she couldn’t contact me and why. Or maybe at the time, she thought she would but I’m sure a friend or coworker will talk her out of it as I suspect was probably the case with Stacey. I just find it hard to believe that Stacey kept everything to herself and didn’t seek advice from a close and trusted friend of some kind, but maybe she did “think it through” on her own. She did the right thing in the end. She didn’t do the right thing in the beginning. Or towards the end, I should say.

I’m never going to know Kathleen’s real reason for not reaching out to me in the future because I’m not going to ask, though my guess is that it will be for the same reason Stacey backed out; she may feel it’s going against ethics. When I see her in 10 days it will be interesting to see how she acts. Will she be her usual chatty, bubbly self? Or will she clam up?

When I sit and think about it, I don’t see why she would need or even want to have me as a friend. She strikes me as the type that has plenty of other friends she can go shopping with and whatever else she likes to do. I also think that no matter how much she may like the way I dress, that no, she can’t possibly be attracted to me. I’m overweight and aging and while I may not be the ugliest thing to look at, I’m certainly not the prettiest.

No matter how much you may love, cherish and honor our country, the flag is just a piece of material. It has no feelings or emotions. Also, the National Anthem is just a song. I think that sometimes we as people fail to keep things in perspective and focus on what’s really important. Instead, we get too caught up in material things, tradition and symbolism.

I was so glad when Walmart replaced our favorites. I was hoping they would. Now maybe they’ll leave the site alone for a while. I hate sites that are constantly changing, but being as big as they are there is bound to be many changes.

My pit rash keeps getting better and worse and better and worse but never goes away completely, even with hydrocortisone. Tonight it’s creeping down my inner arm. I might have to see a dermatologist. I can’t believe or accept that I’m always going to have all these rashes that are going to arrange from annoying to really annoying while being totally uncurable simply because I have an autoimmune disease. Perhaps a dermatologist can tell me for sure. It seems I have one thing after another. The appointments are backing off but not as much as I’d like. If life could stop giving me shit, I could cut them down even more.

The first night the solar wind chime bottles stayed lit most of the night. The last two nights, however, they’re not even staying lit for three hours. Bad batteries? Or not enough sunlight?

Lately, I’ve been alternating between two different walking routes. For one I head toward the back of the park and loop around, and the other I head toward the front of the park by the RVs. Each one takes almost a half-hour, depending on how much of it I run.

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 28, 2017
Haven’t been remembering much in the way of dreams lately, but Tammy did manage to send a bag of chewy caramels through the phone in one of them, haha.

I was coloring in my abstract coloring book. I like this particular one. It’s both fun and relaxing. It’s by Zenspirations.

Got to get on with my editing soon and order groceries. My goal is to submit Beneath the Smile for publication in two weeks.

Both Twenties are now added on Facebook. I added Carolyn when she “liked” a comment I made on one of Jon’s posts. Wouldn’t want her to feel left out. :)

They may be funny online, especially to Jon, but their workers are still driving me crazy. I’m going to tease them so badly when we “return fire” with the roofing project this summer, LOL.

Wow, though, just wow. When social media first hit the scene all my friends were strangers or cyber friends. Then came the VH sisters. Then came family. Now neighbors. What next? Kathleen? That would be nice but that’s no doubt just a fantasy. Tom said it’d be extremely unlikely that I’d hear from her, reminding me that it’s her job to be friendly, she does work for us even if it’s not in the way the doctor does, and she certainly can’t be friends with every single person that goes through that office.

Oh well. Life will be easier without her, I suppose.

The PBer who bought my books asked if it would be okay if she didn’t review them until after Halloween. In other words, would it be okay if she didn’t review them at all? Yeah, whatever.

Done trolling Aly for a while. I shouldn’t have messaged her on MD but let her stumble upon the bogus account I created on her own. Then again, she may never have spotted it and she still may have somehow known it was me. Sometimes I really wonder if she hacks into certain accounts to get more info but IDK. Intuitive or not, there are just some things you would think she shouldn’t know.

Her diary now says “not public,” but I think it may be deleted. I’ve noticed before that after I’ve deleted it diary it will say that but that was a long time ago. They’re down now so I can’t go to the one I deleted to see what it says.

She also changed her Twitter handle and I found the new one in two seconds. Kim finally blocked me too. Good timing because I’m about to delete that account since I really don’t need two Twitter accounts anymore.

I still don’t get why Aly hasn’t blocked me. She’s got to have my username filtered.

I was going to return to Tumblr and GoodNightJournal, but then I changed my mind. I don’t like the layout of Tumblr and GNJ is still a bit slow and glitchy. I did return to Pinterest even though I know they’ll steal some of my pins, and they too, are slow and glitchy.

Got a 3-month refill on my thyroid meds. The pharmacy had to call the doctor. I’m sure that made her day too, to see me requesting more evilthyroxine. She probably got an idea of how many skips I’ve been making by how late I am on requesting a refill.

Amazon delivered some flavored coffee that I’m looking forward to trying. Golden French toast and icy eggnog.

I also got another color-changing solar wind chime and put it outside the kitchen window. This one has glass bottles.

Despite moving the snowballs so they’d get more light, they’re not doing well indoors, so I’ll probably put them out front. The butterflies will go in the carport once they arrive.

I ordered an adorable rat mug with tiny black rat silhouettes all over it, and today I also received the burger and pizza stickers. They’re on the counter now. I will probably add the egg frying in a pan to the opposite counter soon.

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 27, 2017
I forgot to write out last night’s dreams. It was really weird because I went to see Melanie, the girl who did my braces back in the ‘90s in Arizona. It was the second time I met with her and I realized I was wearing the same long white tank dress with the colorful design on the front that I’d worn the first time. It was a dress my mother sent me a million years ago.

Some guy was telling me and who knows who else how to pack because we were moving somewhere. I was angry at him because some girl had a stupid mother who never went to school and he automatically assumed that the girl was stupid, too.

“Oh, the clever yet disgusting things people do to try to fool me…”

Aly tweeted this about six hours ago. So yeah, she knows that Sexy Submissive was me. Figured she would. She’s got to have hacked that account to know that. She’s got to have. But I can’t check the IPs that have logged into it cuz I deleted it.

Clever is one thing but disgusting? How was it disgusting?

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 26, 2017
This entry is a classic example of why I’ve chosen to keep a lot of my journal from those I actually know. Tammy just messaged me to say how horrible she and Becky are doing, so I would feel bad sharing entries where I brag about how wonderful some of our goodies are. It isn’t that she would intentionally put a guilt trip on me and it isn’t that I don’t feel bad for them, but we do have a right to live our lives.

Becky needs surgery on her wrist. The bastard that hit her only has 10K for insurance. Tammy had surgery yesterday and is in a lot of pain. She said Becky said she would have been better off if he’d killed her and that’s heartbreaking for Tammy, understandably.

Our lives are good but not perfect. Today I’ve got some burning and itching in the crotch and my emotions are sometimes a little off, but I can’t say I feel “anxious.” No racing heart either, though I was a little anxious and heart-racy yesterday. After chatting with Tom when he got home I felt a million times better. I wonder if I should have skipped my meds today like I did. This is my second skip since the last time I was at the lab. Really hope I can take it every day with labs being just a few weeks away, but I’m not going to kill myself just to give the doctor better numbers.

I looked it up and I really do have some symptoms of either uterine or endometrial cancer. Frequent peeing, a clear discharge, and cramp-like symptoms. The cramps may be my stomach and not my uterus but the discharges are definitely coming from the vag. I don’t have it too often, though. Not as often as the cramps and peeing, but I’ve been a frequent pisser for many years now.

I say let fate play itself out. Sure I’d like to leave California someday and live another 20-30 years and die when my husband dies, but we’re always going to have things we would still like to do no matter when we die. There are just as many pros and cons to dying now as there would be to dying 20 years from now or 20 years ago. I’m still terrified at the actual thought of going through the dying process. How much pain, suffering and fear will I endure? And what possible afterlife might I face afterward? Very scary thoughts. I try not to dwell on these things but I know I have to face them sooner or later just like everyone else in the world.

What do I think? I still think Tom will die first, probably in his 80s, and that’s when I’ll kill myself. If there is any God up there planning our fate, it’s not going to let me die in my 50s when it can keep me living a few more decades so I can suffer more long-term crises. I may be blessed in many ways, but I’ve also been cursed in more ways. First, it was the wanting to be a singer, then it was being denied true lust, then it was the sex/baby shit, then it was the freeloader shit, then the poverty, then my meds/peri; so why not live for whatever the next long-term problem is going to be?

Learned how to block numbers on my phone. It’s pretty simple to do on androids. Quicken Loans has been harassing me because I entered HGTV’s dream home sweep. They do this every time they give away houses. I guess they’re one of their sponsors. It’s so fucking rude and you would think companies like HGTV wouldn’t want sponsors like that. I sent a text telling them to fuck off but that hasn’t done me any good, so I had to block the two numbers they’ve called me from. I’m sure they’ll keep calling from other numbers but I’ll just keep blocking them until they run out of numbers or give up on me since they’re not getting what they want. Why do they assume everyone who enters to win a house is looking for a loan? I just want to win the fucking house, not borrow money.

The solar wind chime is totally gorgeous. There aren’t any actual chimes, tho. It doesn’t make any sound. In the light, they look like snowballs hanging from these little wires. The color-changing effect in the dark is awesome. They look like colored balls of ice or crystal. I totally want more. I want one for just outside the kitchen window and one for the carport as well.

Tom also got his new desk chair today.

He got the new gate code from Joy which they change periodically and he programmed the clickers/car.

I woke up to the huge mower mowing the common area on one side of me and sawing and hammering on the other side of me. Jon said something about bugs. I guess they missed a spot when they were tenting and had to replace the wallboards in that area. Of course, that spot had to be closest to us. I’m sure this latest project will last all week, too. It’s a good thing I’m sleeping in these days.

He’s a definite super poster. Some of his posts are interesting, but it’s mostly political shit I’m sick of hearing day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year…

Glade has helped make the place smell a little better. I’ve got the Cashmere Woods plugged in now.

The new motion sensor soap dispenser is awesome. I love how it doesn’t drip or trail just like they said it wouldn’t. It’s a little big for the bathroom, so it’s in the kitchen.

I created a second account on MD, not so much in a bogus name but that doesn’t use real names or say anything that would give my identity away to Aly should she be looking to connect with people there. That and Tumblr are the only blogging sites I know of that she likes. I did lie about my basic details. I also mentioned being a BDSM fanatic, curious to see if that catches her attention. Part of me thinks it would be funny to befriend her under a false identity, as wrong as that would be. She was less than honest with me, though, so if she stumbles upon it, which I doubt, I’m going to just go along with her for shits and giggles.

I think she would know it was me no matter what, though. She’s a well-trained hacker. I still think that when we would troll people she had a way of hacking my account to see what activity was done with it. These were times when I was totally anonymous and making sure to sound the least obvious as possible. Yet she always knew it was me. Always. She would claim she was just good with people, but nobody’s that good.

I just don’t understand some people sometimes. They can appear to be such good friends or close enough to it and then they ghost you for no apparent reason at all. The older lady who moved from Vermont to Tennessee who bought Locked-In and really loved it hasn’t said a word to me in over a week now even though I’ve continued to comment on her entries. She hasn’t purchased any more of my books either.

Saw a headline trending on Facebook about Twitter getting ready to test doubling tweet lengths. That would be nice. Oh, and the Saudis are going to be kind enough to allow women to drive. Pretty fucking sad that it had to take this long for that to happen but as I always did say, had I been in that country no one would have pressured me about my not driving. Instead, they would have gotten on my ass about not having kids. It seems that no matter where you go people will get on you for something or another.

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 25, 2017
Sometimes I still find myself missing old friends and I wonder what the hell is wrong with me. I suppose it’s just normal, though. Despite the blatant liar Aly was, I do miss her at times, probably even more than I miss Andy and Nane. Not sure I miss Maliheh, though, and I definitely don’t miss Paula. But we live in a very unforgiving world despite all the hypocrites out there preaching forgiveness. Not that these people necessarily have anything they need to forgive me for, and not that I want to actually pick up my friendships with them, but I do miss them at times and I would probably be dumb enough to talk to them if they contacted me. Yet I know I could contact them until I was blue in the face and get no response.

Tom thinks it’s very unlikely that I’ll hear from Kathleen because she still does work for us even if it’s not in the way the doctor does, and I totally agree. Sometimes it’s easy to think that someone who is overly friendly is attracted to you when they’re simply being friendly. I was so sure that I would hear from Mary C at VH. I didn’t. I was so sure I would hear from Johnson. I didn’t. I was so sure I would hear from Stacey. I didn’t. So why should I think I’ll hear from Kathleen? Well, I won’t. As I’ve learned, no matter how obvious someone may appear to be and no matter how much they may seem to really want to be your friend, it’s either just an act or an act of professionalism.

The fact that I haven’t heard from her even though it hasn’t been long since I last saw her is proof right there that no, she doesn’t really like me. If she did she would have jumped at the opportunity to contact me and she would’ve sent a message saying something like: I know you may not be in a position to go shopping just yet but I thought I would check you out (on FB) and say hi.

She would be following me and buying my books, too. Then again, since I’ve gotten more private I’m not so easy to follow.

When I don’t hear from her as time goes on I wonder if I’ll be more disappointed or relieved. Probably relieved. It’s hard to get as disappointed when you’ve been blown off time and time again and you’ve lived long enough to know that certain things just aren’t meant to be. Even if she really was attracted to me that doesn’t mean she wants to be my friend. So I’ll probably be more relieved, knowing the potential trouble friends can bring. Going friendless is always easier even if it makes life lonelier or boring at times, and yes, some days I still feel this strange void in my life; a sense of emptiness that needs to be fulfilled only I don’t know what to fulfill it with.

While I certainly love my adult life a million times better than when I was a kid or in jail, the structure and routine I once had were good for me in some ways. Even though I had to do things I didn’t like doing, it made me value my free time even more. Doing the things I love to do was even more special because I couldn’t do them anytime I wanted to like I can now. I also had a lot more human interaction, some good, some bad. So everything has its pros and cons. This is the safer, easier life, but it can get boring at times. Things aren’t so new and exciting anymore or all that special, but I think most of that feeling comes from getting older. I feel I need a little more adventure in my life. The only problem is that with adventure usually comes drama as well, and I definitely don’t need any drama.

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 24, 2017
Watching the movie Nerve on Amazon and it’s pretty good so far. I’ll finish it after this entry.

My book Shane is due to be released on Amazon anytime now, and that’s a link I will happily share once I have it.

The heater turned out to be okay. The pilot just needed to be relit. It’s warming up again so even though it does get chilly in the early mornings we shouldn’t need it for a while.

I got my very first virus since switching to Macs nearly a decade ago. I stupidly clicked on a link to download a video converter. Thank God my genius hubby was home at the time because he was able to get rid of it before it could do any real damage.

My new mouse is a Logitech mouse just like the last one, but this one is absolutely horrible. I just hate the way it functions, so I ordered the M215, which was the last model I had, and for $25 that comes with the keyboard as well. I don’t need a keyboard now, but it’s always good to have a backup even though we probably have a million keyboards and a million mice.

When we were coming back from Rite-Aid I glanced over at Bob and Virginia’s place and said, “There’s my windchime!”

It was so funny because Tom thought I meant that they stole my windchime. LOL. In reality, I noticed they hung the wind chime that I got them when we were in Mexico. This is the first time I noticed it hanging outdoors anywhere.

My solar wind chime should be here tomorrow. Not sure if I’m going to keep it indoors or outdoors.

I also ordered a motion sensor soap dispenser, and some new Glade plug-in warmers, and scented oils. I like something that puts out a good smell all the time instead of just when I happen to light some incense or use the diffuser or wax warmer.

So last night I got a friend request on Facebook and my first thought was, wow, that was fast! But was it her? No, it was him. Jon. I didn’t mind adding him, though.

I would still be very surprised if Kathleen ever contacted me. I’m sure that inevitable “change” will be evident the next time I see her or maybe the time after that. She’ll be a whole new person sooner or later… cold, distant, etc. But… fewer friends, less trouble.

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 22, 2017
Because I didn’t feel well yesterday, I didn’t do much of anything. I didn’t work out or edit my book, and it took me all day to do my journal entry. Today I’m better but still a little tired. I didn’t sleep as long as I thought I would.

So after the dentist, we went to Sonic for burgers and fries. I began to feel kind of wound up not much later. I’ve noticed that fast food sometimes makes my heart race for an hour or so because my body isn’t used to having rich foods like that every day, especially after I’ve been cutting back as I have, trying to modify calories. I’ve lost a few pounds, though most of it may be water. I got really watery as my body tried to generate a period, couldn’t do it, then gave up and dumped its water. I’m three months late.

Anyway, at first I thought it was just the excitement of seeing the dental staff because going to them is like visiting old friends. But the more my heart raced, my tummy acted up, and I began to feel on edge and experience the hot flashes from hell and some inward trembling sprinkled with racing thoughts from ADD, the more I knew that no amount of burgers, fries and friendly staff would have that effect on me. Sorry, but seeing them isn’t that exciting, and neither is going to Sonic.

Sonic is this place where you pull into a little parking spot and order through a speaker in the menu, then sit there and eat, though there’s no rule that says you can’t take it with you. We ate there, but damn, you can’t even eat outdoors without blasting music. It’s bad enough that they blast music inside stores and restaurants. Yet we had to hear this shitty music blasting from their speaker, so we shut the window despite it being warm and even a touch humid. Flies were bugging us anyway. This was after they corrected our order which they messed up the first time around.

Anyway, I’m sure it’s the usual shit where the perimenopause is kicking up and my medication was fueling it, so I skipped yesterday’s dose. I was slightly on edge, too. Tom and I both believe that if it weren’t for the perimenopause I wouldn’t have a problem with the medication (except for the first time they put me on 75s and then later tried me on 88s), and if I didn’t have perimenopause my meds wouldn’t be an issue. I just wonder how many more fucking years before this cycle ends! I had been doing so much better, too. I’m so fed up with it that I’m likely going to tell the doctor when I see her on my birthday to lower my dose for a while. I’ve also got lung tightness and while this is a bad time for those with allergies and asthma, that right there is a bad sign. Especially when you don’t smoke. I actually took a hit off my inhaler.

It totally figures that when I was super hot flashy it was warm in here. It was one of those rare instances when I wished it was as chilly as it is now. Even in my hoodie, I was chilly on this morning’s walk. It’s supposed to be back in the 90s soon.

My new mouse absolutely sucks. I can’t get it the right speed. It’s either too slow or too jumpy. It has a cute pink and purple abstract design on it but it sucks.

Oh no! I just cost us $600 in dental work, we still need a new roof, and now I can’t get the heat on to take the morning chill out of here. What, are we going to go back to the breakage curse? Back in the 90s to early 00s, I swear our stuff was cursed. Everything was always breaking. Really hope we’re not back on that trend again, although the heater is probably a bit old.

When we got home on Wednesday he replaced an old outlet that had gotten loose to the point that things we would plug into it would start to fall out. It was so funny because there are 12 breakers in the house, and one by one he shut them off but not the one he needed to. He was just about to give up and throw the master switch when breaker number 10 finally did the trick.

This weekend we’ll be replacing the shower massager in the master bathroom.

I had to laugh when I saw a headline about Walmart wanting to come into our homes and stock our refrigerators. Why don’t they try keeping things in stock and not deleting people’s favorites first? Yeah, I was so pissed when I went to order groceries and found they emptied our favorites out. I was smart enough to copy them into a document but there may be a few things missing.

Later…

I can’t get Kathleen off my mind. Like I said, she’s not the most gorgeous person in the world, but by most people’s standards, including mine, she is attractive. I wouldn’t be surprised if she was smoking hot 20 years ago. Either way, she is such a cool person.

Even though it seems extremely unlikely that I could be that bad at reading people, maybe I really was wrong about Stacey and maybe I’m wrong in suspecting that Kathleen likes me. She could just be a very vocal and friendly person with everybody, and she did refer to Jessica one time as being “so cute” like she did with me (Jessica is young like Michaela). Everyone else’s in their 50s except for Shannan. She’s in her 30s.

So maybe there’s no physical attraction at all. This isn’t what my gut tells me, but it doesn’t matter either way. I know how women treat me, which means I know better now than to think we’ll be buddies. No matter how much a woman may seem to like me be it for a friendship or anything more if I was single, I know nothing will happen and that she won’t contact me. I always get blown off. In fact, I’m sure that the next time I see Kathleen she’ll act like a whole different person just like Stacey did in the end. Even if she thought to herself, ok, we’re both married but a simple friendship would be nice, she will have “thought it through.” Somehow, someway, Kathleen is either going to change or move.

In some ways, it may be better that she doesn’t. Yes, a local friend or two may be nice, but I don’t want the potential drama that can come with friends. Getting together with her would be like appointments, thanks to my schedule curse. I may have to struggle to match the time we agreed to get together with my schedule like I do with appointments, even if I wouldn’t expect to agree on a time as far in advance as with appointments.

It’s just a little weird, though, because Stacey said something to the effect of meeting some woman, even if she might not necessarily be in her field. I already met Kathleen at the time she said that, of course. It’s cool to have a journal to look back on and read about the times we saw each other.

I wish I knew her last name so I could look her up. I’ve never found her on any of her coworkers’ friend lists, but I can’t see who the doctor’s friends with.

If I’m right about her having a crush on me, though, why hasn’t she looked me up already, just like I wondered about Stacey? She could have looked up some things without me knowing, but there doesn’t seem to be any way to fool Blogger’s inner stats. No one can access an entry without being detected. Well, if she had a crush on me, wouldn’t she have been curious enough to check out the few entries I currently have on Blogger since our appointment? Or could she have been following me all along? She can’t be following me too closely otherwise she would know I have books for sale and might have even downloaded them, too. So far I’m only at a grand total of three sales.

Another thing that’s strange in a funny kind of way is that she’s been openly “flirting” right in front of Tom if that’s what this really is. Or some of it anyway. I wonder what Tom thinks of her, but I’m not going to put him on the spot and ask. I don’t know that he would tell me anyway. Even though he knows he can trust me, he’s always had a jealous streak in him which has always bothered me.

If I were single I could see myself being interested in her since the only negatives I see so far is that she’s too thin and a little too chatty.

Another thing that’s weird is this is sort of starting to mimic Kinky Kathleen, only “Amantha” suggested they get together when they ran into each other at a store. Let’s hope life doesn’t imitate art too much or else this won’t end well at all.

There’s no way in hell I can get my ass into the body-shaping bodysuit I just got, and while I could wear the corset, I would feel like I was trapped in some kind of medieval torture device if I did.

Ran into Jon and Carolyn at seven this morning when I was returning to the house. They were walking with some woman. Jon was his usual friendly self but Carolyn? I’m not sure about her. I still think I’m a little too liberal for them. Jon strikes me as the type that would continue to be just as friendly and chatty upon learning I’m a liberal lady, but she doesn’t. I think she would become more standoffish. I wonder if I did the right thing by giving Jon the information I did and then messaging him on Facebook.

Naw. I’m me. Period. And no one has to like it.

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 21, 2017
I’ve been sick and I’m also tired so I’m behind on my blogging. It’s the usual culprits… perimenopause and probably a TSH score that’s getting a little too low for comfort.

Yesterday was fun, shitty and expensive all rolled into one. I got up early and was hoping that Kathleen would still be working for my dentist and not on vacation. There really does seem to be a pattern when it comes to those who are good-looking, super nice or both. They leave or we move. But, as I told myself, if she’s in her 50s as I suspect she is, and knowing how much she seems to love working for my dentist, where else would she go? Why would she quit unless she left the area?

Either way, the dentist is the one appointment I actually look forward to because I feel like I’m going to visit old friends. They’re such nice people. Such a super friendly team that always makes you feel welcome and special. I’ve been going to them for almost 6 years and Kathleen actually makes it a bit fun, LOL.

To go in order of events… while I was doing my hoping that I would see her, Tom cleaned some of the carpet in the master bedroom. Damn was it filthy! I totally regret not laminating the entire house, and just getting throw rugs for certain areas.

I walked down and got the mail from Joe, wondering why it has to be windy every single time I wear a dress. And the shorter the dress, the faster the wind. Mid-thigh dresses apparently mean an average of 8 MPH an hour winds. Anyway, Joe gave me Tom’s surprise electronics package that he gets every three months.

On Monday I had the runs, on Tuesday I didn’t go at all, and yesterday I had the runs before my appointment.

Janet, who was around Kathleen’s age, was the former office manager. She was a very nice lady and was even kind enough to give us a jump one time when our old Ford Taurus crapped out on us. Resistant to change, I wasn’t too happy to learn she’d left back in 2015 and would be replaced by the tall, slim blonde with the friendly blue eyes and the perfect smile for a dentist’s office. Now I am SOOO glad she left.

We got there a few minutes early and I was delighted to see Kathleen who was busy at the computer as soon as we walked in. She glanced at me, smiled, said hello, and then went back to help a couple of women who were at the counter.

Tom and I sat on the loveseat across from the desk and he settled in to play games on his phone. I started to think we wouldn’t have time to chat much because the women were taking quite a while. But they eventually took seats in chairs on each side of us. I then got up and showed Kathleen my latest nail design. She took hold of my hands in hers and admired how “adorable” and “cute” they were.

Kathleen looked great, albeit a bit thin and with dark conservative clothing that’s usually just the opposite of my personal tastes.

“You got blonder and I got blacker,” I said at one point. Even though blonde isn’t my favorite hair color it suits her very well and the shade she now has looks great. It’s a brighter shade of blonde but not so bright like a neon sign.

She asked if I did my hair myself and I told her I did and that it was a stain and not a dye. She asked if I liked it darker, and I said I did for the most part, although it is a touch too dark for me. With permanent stains, you don’t have much choice, though.

I complimented her light pink nails and she said it went with my dress and it did. That’s another thing she complimented was my light pink, simple yet perfectly cut for my figure dress that’s actually flattering to it, giving me a very hourglass appearance.

Right after the two women sat down, the older one that was closest to me really threw me for a minute there. She started talking to me as if we knew each other. Then the younger one sitting next to Tom said, “I’m over here.”

I didn’t realize the woman was blind!

After Kathleen asked me to step away from the counter so she could see my dress, the blind woman said, “I’m blind so what are you wearing?” and I told her.

Before I sat down I said to Kathleen that we ought to go shopping together sometime and she said something to the effect of, “I’d like that.” I told her I would just have to be picked up or dropped off since I didn’t drive.

So then Jessica came and got me and Kathleen was sure to jump up and point out how adorably cute my nails and dress looked to her.

Next, I was turned over to Michaela and I knew right away from my spying endeavors that it was the doctor’s daughter as soon as she said her name. She told me the doctor was her mom, which I hastily praised for saving my teeth which I would have lost years ago if it weren’t for her. You could see the resemblance. She’s a sweetie just like her mom, too.

I told her that I wanted to discuss a mouthguard for my TMJ issues with her mom and she said that was interesting because just that morning they had a meeting on TMJ.

So Michaela took my x-rays and then I was turned over to Holly. Time must be flying faster than she realizes because she said, “Hey, Jodi, it’s been a long time. Like a year now.”

It’s actually been just six months. We chatted about this and that along the way, as usual, including the TMJ. She asked if I was still writing and I told her I was and have slowly started publishing things on Amazon. That seemed to pique her interest even though there haven’t been any new sales since yesterday when a new PBer bought both of the books that are currently published.

After my teeth were cleaned, the doctor came in to see me and greeted me as if we were old buddies and she had missed the hell outa me, LOL. She placed a hand on my shoulder and said, “Hi, Jodi,” in a very cheerful tone.

I briefed her in on my ear surgery way back when and how I thought the pain I began to experience in 2005 was connected to that until my ENT told me what it really is.

She asked if I clenched my teeth when I was awake. I told her I didn’t but that I had no way to know what I was doing in my sleep. I do suspect I might be a grinder, though, because I swear I was grinding my teeth just as I awoke one time which, as she says, can shatter teeth.

She asked what side I usually lay on and I told her it varied but does seem to be worse when I lay on that side. The thing is that I listen to audiobooks at the end of my day and I have to lay on that side otherwise it will be hard for me to hear Dot unless I blast it being mostly deaf in that ear.

For about a year now I’ve suspected something was going on with my back bottom molar on the right side, and I was right. The x-rays show a crack in that tooth as well as an upper tooth.

Unfortunately, the mouthguard is going to cost $300 and then another $300 to do the two partial crowns that I need to be done. If I ignore them, the teeth will eventually crack completely. So $600 on top of the new roof we still need. :-( But I’m tired of the TMJ pain, Tom thinks it’s worth it and encouraged me not to worry about money, and so I’m going to go for it. Those partial crowns will end up being full crowns, root canals or bridges if I ignore them much longer, and that will only cost more in the end. The doctor took pictures of the teeth with this stick-like camera and showed me the fractures on a monitor.

LOL, at the desk Kathleen was telling me to take advantage of the insurance (it doesn’t roll over into next year), and looked at Tom and said, “She’s worth it,” while she squeezed my hand affectionately, and then reached for my necklace to admire it, saying how sparkly it was. I think the entire staff has pretty much figured out by now that I love bright colors and anything shiny.

Before this, it was back to Jessica who made an impression of my bottom teeth. This wasn’t the big deal I feared it would be. I was a little nervous at first, though. The upper impressions they did when I had the old-fashioned braces in the 90s sucked because you felt like the shit was going to go down your throat and gag you. This time was okay, though. There was an area where you stick your tongue through so that it doesn’t get molded into the impression, and it only took two minutes to set.

I wondered if sleeping with a mouthguard can really make me feel better during the day, and the doctor feels pretty confident that it will. If not, they plan to add an acupuncture specialist to their team that can do various massage techniques. That’s funny. Trisha, the woman who lives diagonally from us is a retired acupuncture doctor.

Holly will clean me again in March. Meanwhile, Kathleen scheduled me to pick up my mouthguard and get crowned in three weeks (which means I’ll see Shannan since she’s the dental surgery assistant). Not sure if I’m going to have to go back again to get the permanent crowns but I think I will. Tom said he overheard one of the patients talking about them having this really high-tech 3-D printer where it takes only an hour to print out crowns and stuff like that but couldn’t say if they were just talking about it or if it was something that already existed. With my shit luck, I’ll have to go back yet again, but hey, one more chance to see the lovely, very friendly and definitely flattering Kathleen, haha.

They added another female dentist who works mornings, from what I gather, and when Kathleen was scheduling me she said I could come in the morning if I wanted to and have the other dentist take care of me, but I promptly said, “No,” evoking a smile from Kathleen. That’s when I told her I’d rather stick with someone I know and who knows me, not being a fan of change. This is my dentist until she either retires or we move, whichever comes first.

After we paid the $600 and I was scheduled, Kathleen made a comment about it being fall and I said I hated it and would be complaining until June. This very morning it got down to 69° inside the house. She likes the heat, too. It is going to warm up again but not that much and not for long.

When I mentioned us moving to Florida, I swear she seemed unhappy to hear that. Then I added that it would be several years before we did, and she said something about Tom having time before he retires.

So just as we were leaving Kathleen showed me off to one final person, which was a woman I’m pretty sure she said was a personal friend of hers. On my way out I told her to feel free to look me up on Facebook. Although she said, “I will,” I know damn well she’s not going to look me up. Stacey and countless others in this world have taught me that people are definitely more talk than action, but that’s okay. I don’t mind seeing her at the office only for the 2-4 times I go there each year. It would still be kind of funny if the real Stacey turned out to be Kathleen. Yeah, it’s a no-brainer. Any idiot can see she likes me because no one goes around complimenting people that much and showing them off to everybody and anyone they can, LOL. I pretty much had her figured out early on. Not the first appointment, but the second one made me think something was up when we were sitting at a table by the desk and she was going through some paperwork with me and telling me she didn’t know her patients well yet. This was shortly after she replaced Janet. I thought it was weird that she asked Tom if we were related or something to that effect.

The way she looked at me, the way she complimented me, etc. I’ve always been a pretty intuitive person. Never have I assumed someone liked me that didn’t, though there have been cases where I was surprised to learn that someone liked me that I didn’t realize did like me. I had no idea Marie “Duewi” had a crush on me back in Valleyhead, but I’m a lot smarter and more experienced than I was at 16 years old.

Just like I was sure that Stacey liked me, Kathleen likes me. No doubt about it. I’m not stupid and I doubt Tom is either, haha. But liking someone is usually harmless, especially if it’s a woman.

Do I like her? I do. Kathleen’s not OMG gorgeous, but she is very attractive and I would be willing to bet that most people would consider her better-looking than me. She’s a little too thin, but she’s tall and blond, which most people consider a plus, and she has very soft, feminine, compassionate and friendly features that are perfectly proportioned. On top of that, she seems like a genuine sweetheart, so what’s not to like?

I wouldn’t mind having her as a friend but I don’t have any desire for any kind of a side dish. I’m a 51-year-old whose hormones are shot to hell for God’s sake, not a 20-something-year-old with raging hormones. Oh, my hormones are raging, alright, they’re just doing it in all the wrong ways. Personally, I would probably detest the idea of dating if I were single because I feel so fat, old, and unsexy despite how many people of both genders check me out.

I wouldn’t feel uncomfortable being friends with a woman who was attracted to me as I would if it were a guy. Women don’t usually make other women do things they don’t want to do, but then neither does every single man. I’ve caught our mailman and even the old man next door checking me out but that doesn’t mean I would be afraid to be alone with them. It really depends on the person. I don’t want to “do” anything but I don’t mind a little flirting here and there. I would still be incredibly surprised to hear from Kathleen. Not just because while guys usually seem to follow through, women blow people off, but she is very kind and attractive, and when it comes to women, those are the kind that usually avoid me like the plague. If she were the butch type she would have already called, haha, no offense to the more masculine version of our lesbian/bisexual community.

Just like Stacey is, Kathleen is married. I’ve seen the engagement ring and the giant diamond wedding ring. Human nature is human nature, though, as we know. Rings and certificates never stopped a person from being attracted to another person before and they never will.

Where both she and Stacey are skinny and tend to dress conservatively, they are otherwise complete opposites. Although I will miss our chats from time to time and I did adore her, Stacey was short and dark with a quiet, reserved demeanor without much of a sense of humor. Kathleen is tall and light with a bubbly personality. You feel so comfortable being around her and you look forward to seeing her.

After we left was when things started heading south, but because this entry is so long I will get to it in my next entry.

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 20, 2017
I’m surprised I didn’t get an appointment reminder call from Kathleen yesterday. Or from someone. I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if she were gone or on vacation. You know how it is for me when it comes to the really nice people or the good-looking ones. They’re not in my life for long, even if they were never really in it to begin with. Well, I’ll find out in four hours.

I had a series of weird dreams last night. The black bitch from Arizona was in one of them. She dared to relax on the floor somewhere close by me and said to someone else, “Don’t ask me what I’m doing,” knowing they wouldn’t want her getting too close to me. I got the impression she actually felt guilty for race-carding me into jail and was trying to buddy up to me.

Then I was later giving her some advice about something.

Oh, to run into her in the afterlife if there is one! I’d slowly and torturously tear her apart limb by limb. Some things you just don’t forgive and you certainly don’t forget.

Then I was looking out a window somewhere at the ocean, but the water and waves were perfectly still.

Next, I was gazing around this dingy old house Tom and I were renting and thinking how nice it would be to buy a bigger more modern place in a few years.

I walked by a reporter somewhere and was hoping for some reason that I would stay out of the camera’s range.

In the last dream, I was being chased by some unseen madman. I don’t know if he called and threatened me on the phone or what, but instead of just laughing it off I was terrified for some reason and I ran out of the house and down the street. It was dark out and my first thought was to get out of view and inside someone’s house if I could.

I knocked on a door that I noticed had a key sticking out of its lock like the person forgot to remove it. A boy and a girl of about 10 years of age opened the door even though they were home alone. I told them I needed to call the police because someone was chasing me. So I dialed 911 on my cell and started relaying information to the dispatcher. Then I told the kids they needed to get the key out of their door, knowing that the madman could’ve seen me enter the house and then let himself in.

One of the kids opened the door and then said there was no key inside it. I told them to run as I bolted out of the house and down the street, leaving behind the jacket I’d taken off inside the house.

Now I was afraid for the kids as well as for myself. I called to them to follow me but instead, I saw them run out of the house and around towards the back of it. The dream ended with me calling frantically to them.

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 19, 2017
Giving up on GoodNightJournal for now. The site is too dead and it still runs slow even though they said they were changing servers.

I had the runs again yesterday and I’m not sure why. It even extended after bedtime, waking me up a couple of hours into my sleep. I was able to get back to sleep afterward, though.

Said hello to Bob and Virginia yesterday. Virginia wants to read my book but she doesn’t have a Kindle. Typical 80s person. Most of the older people are pretty old-school.

So I started talking to Jon yesterday when I stepped out to dump trash and saw him trimming some shrubs. We briefly talked about plants and stuff like that, and at one point I commented on the mess the tree on our corner makes in the fall when all the leaves fall off. I asked if the tree on the corner of his place was his or the park’s. He said that technically it was the park’s and then went on to talk about some kind of organization that was less social than some others as far as getting the park to do things it doesn’t want to deal with due to expenses.

When he asked me what I was doing at the moment, being the open person that I tend to be who doesn’t care what people think, I simply said I was editing my book. When he learned I have books published and plan to publish more, he asked for my name so he could look me up. I don’t mind people looking me up, but the thing is that he and his wife are Trump supporters, and most Trump supporters are haters, especially when it comes to gays. They naturally fear anything they don’t understand or experience firsthand, and for some reason, it’s hard for them to accept things they can’t relate to so their minds automatically reject it. Not all Trump supporters are like this of course, but I think most are. I’m pretty liberal myself and while I’m certainly no Trump supporter with the way he’s treated women and the way he hates gays and Jews, I do agree with his stance on Muslims and immigration. We need to put our foot down where dangerous cultures are concerned, and we need to stop the overcrowding the immigrants cause by flocking here by the millions.

Back on topic. Given the likelihood that he’s an “all-around” hater, I had to laugh to myself at the thought of him discovering what my books are all about. Better yet, what I’m all about.

I decided to surprise Jon on Facebook and sent a quick message saying, “Guess who?” He accepted my message request but didn’t reply or add me. No local visitors but I can’t believe he didn’t check the blog out. He’s probably just a hider. No new book sales either. So I’m guessing that yeah, he probably didn’t like what he found on me, LOL. That’s okay, though. Sometimes it’s not good to mix neighbors with pleasure any more than business with pleasure, but I still don’t have a problem with adding him if he later wants to. It’s up to him. It’s okay if I’m too liberal for him and it’s okay if I’m not.

For $20 I grabbed a new mouse last night on Amazon because my wheel still scrolls but won’t click.

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 18, 2017
The next 6 days will be in the 70s. It was a chilly run this morning but I do prefer it chilly when working out and sleeping. Unfortunately, I’ll be getting plenty of that and then some till June.

It was a fun and productive weekend, but as always, it went too fast. Weekends seem to last half a day while the workweek seems to last two weeks.

Today I’ll begin editing Shane. It often seems like writing books is more work than fun, but editing is what they’re mostly about, like it or not. Writing the story itself is nothing.

Last night I dreamed I was watching a boat cruise up a river as fast as a speeding car, buying a pregnant rat, and sitting in Tammy’s car as she made a quick run into a store. While I waited for her, some guy in a truck made too wide of a turn and clipped the headlight on my side. A split second later the “truck” turned into a giant lawnmower. Again the guy hit the car and just as I was about to get out and give the dumbshit a piece of my mind, he vanished into thin air.

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 17, 2017
Someone on Prosebox did a brief entry saying that the movie Knock Knock was very traumatizing and do not watch it. Naturally, I was curious to check it out, and I did. I thought it was a fantastic movie! It was unique and even had some funny parts in what was otherwise a very serious home invasion movie where a couple of young girls assault and rape a middle-aged family guy home alone for the weekend.

It wasn’t available for free on Netflix so I watched it on Amazon Prime. I’m now watching Adulterers on Netflix. I don’t usually watch a movie all in one sitting. Movies are reserved for when I’m eating because the act of eating alone is boring. Sort of like a stationary bike or the skier. Can’t stand to do them without watching something, reading or listening to music. I am so totally getting a treadmill desk when we move.

We got a lot done over the weekend, but poor Tom burned his finger with the glue gun. He said it hurt like hell, and as fate would have it, our antibiotic ointment had expired.

I have resubmitted my newly improved and re-edited version of A Rainbow in Munich to my publishers at Amazon but with the same cover.

This week I will go through Shane and I should be able to submit that next weekend.

I continue to be amazed and even horrified by the number of Muslim supporters out there all in the name of political correctness. No matter how many evil deeds we see this radical culture commit, God help you if you dare say the slightest thing negative about them. Yeah, people will have a bleeding heart for terrorists but they’ll refuse to be taxed just a little bit more so we can have universal healthcare here in America.

It’s days like today that really break up the monotony of things. I love what I do but if I do it every single day of every single week and every single month and every single year, it would drive me crazy. Same with if I didn’t get out once a week or so. So I really appreciate how fun today was with good food and new goodies.

First, we went to Raley’s where I picked up some K-cups and we got some gourmet chocolate chip cookies to share that are totally awesome. There are nearly 400 calories per cookie. That’s more than some of my TV dinners!

Then for just $17, we had fun at the dollar store. He got some tools, pens and pencils for his new toolbox that almost looks like a black suitcase that you can wheel around and that has a pull-up handle, too.

I got the following items:

1. Rose scented air freshener.

2. Vanilla incense.

3. Pink toenail clippers.

4. A stick grip for reaching things out of reach or in tight spaces.

5. Two black plastic rat Halloween figures.

6. A couple of doorknob decorations with bells hanging from ribbons.

7. Two solar toys. A sunflower with blue flowers at the sides of it, and a bouquet of pink flowers.

Last night I dreamed I was swimming somewhere with 40 or 50 other people. Pretty sure it was an ocean and not a lake. We were quite a ways away from the shore. There was some kind of wall and raft/floor that was about 4 feet beneath the surface of the water and that I was standing on. I began to swim away from it and then all of a sudden there was a noticeably strong current. People seemed to grow a little alarmed and I realized it was a whirlpool that had begun to form. I quickly swam back and huddled against the wall because the current wasn’t as strong there. I don’t know if anyone got sucked under or not.

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 16, 2017
“Calm down. If you can’t handle a community you need to get a place like what you had,” big sis said in regards to the few choice words I left about yesterday’s latest water outage on Facebook.

While it was certainly quieter in the country, we could never afford land here, and we’re still not sure we would ever again want the hassles of rural living in the first place. But yeah, they did it again. Yesterday the water was off for a couple of hours without warning, which means they probably had a surprise and unexpected leak somewhere. No one heard my little swearing spree, though. I was home alone.

Yes, the piping/water situation here sucks, and yes, there is more daytime noise than I would like, but I realize there’s no perfect place on earth. Every place has its pros and cons and some kind of trade-off. The main source of noise back in Auburn was Jesse’s mutts, and while there may only be one or two noise sources out in the country as opposed to dozens in the city, you have the hassles of dealing with wells, limited to no mail services, positively shitty Internet service, and then you have to haul your trash or burn it in a metal drum.

So it’s either a quieter place that comes with lots of inconveniences or a noisier place that comes with more convenience. It’s like with climates. We don’t get snow here but we still get cold. Hurricanes can’t get us but an earthquake could. So everything has its positives and negatives.

The latest source of noise was hammering and sawing just beyond Bob & Virginia’s place. Someone was getting new doors or windows. Our 34-year-old windows let sound in beautifully, and the noisiest room is definitely the living room because there are so many huge windows in there and the room itself is huge and very open. Therefore when I’m on days I work down the hall in the back bedroom where there are only two windows, one of which has soundproofing material hanging in it. It’s annoying and it’s inconvenient, but I do like the snappy Internet service, trash service, having access to a pool a few months a year, and the fact that I could get an ambulance out here in a few minutes if God forbid we ever needed one instead of a half-hour or longer.

I briefly chatted with Bob yesterday who had a touch of humor unlike in the past when he seemed more on the serious side. The more you get to know people the more they usually loosen up. I asked him if he got a notice about the water being turned off (in case ours was blown away or something), and not surprisingly he said he didn’t. Virginia was out somewhere at the time and he was out front pruning trees, so he didn’t know the water was out until I told him. He said he would ask them what was going on if they came by again and that they had just been by (the park maintenance people travel around on golf carts), and that he hoped it would be back on soon so he could rinse some crap he needed to rinse.

So we got to talking about the trees and shrubs on our properties and I was saying how I didn’t think we’d ever have the time to do all we wanted to do or the money to hire someone to haul away the stuff we didn’t want (though we might be able to get an extra dumpster from the office so we can get rid of more stuff at once) because we’ve been having financial setbacks lately with unexpected expenses coming up like the AC’s capacitor, car issues, and we still have to do the roof.

He then mentioned that he noticed Tom was having trouble with the car when he was out walking a couple of mornings ago. Yeah, he left something plugged in that drained the battery so he had to jump it. He said that he said to himself he would make one more round around the circle and then offer to help if he was still there, but he was gone.

Then I said something about the next people having to deal with and decide what to do with all the plants, but that we should be here for another five years or so and he said, “Good. We don’t want you to move.”

Aw, that’s the nicest thing he said and as I told him, we don’t want them to move either because they’re awesome neighbors. Yeah, I feel guilty about wishing his hands would fall off (and worse) every time he would annoy me with his power tools, LOL.

So then he goes, “Oh, you don’t have to worry about that. We’ll be here till we croak.”

He said it in such a funny way that I couldn’t help but laugh.

The guy is in fantastic shape for just turning 88. He walks every morning, he rides his bike, he climbs on his roof to blow leaves out of the gutter, he takes beautiful care of his lot, he goes out golfing, etc.

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 15, 2017
I’m totally not looking forward to winter. I hate having to wear slippers and I hate long sleeves. Worst of all I hate being cold. I would definitely take Florida over this. Besides, no place is ever 100% “safe.” Certain places may be more prone to natural disasters, but hell, a meteorite could crash into my house right now. Nothing’s ever guaranteed. The only guarantee is that it’s going to get cold and I’m not going to like it. It’s already getting down to 74° in the house in the morning like it is right now and I’m freezing. I’m still a little hypo after letting my thyroid crash a bit due to the experiment I was doing, but I’ve always been super sensitive to cold. I like it between 76° and 78° in here. Seriously, where are the hot flashes when you need them?

I got a clever idea yesterday that looks great. The solar toys I have on the windowsill were propped up to see the sun better on little Dixie cups. We had an old broken fan on a stand that had crossbars for feet. I unscrewed them and used one of the bars to prop the solars up on and this looks a lot better than the cups. Another half-hour or so and they’ll all be swinging, bouncing and waving.

Am I a better writer or a better storyteller? I think I’m a better writer but Tom thinks I’m a better storyteller because I’m creative and all that. Okay so I don’t tell the worst stories but I wish I could write longer and more intricate plots. With ADD, though, it’s hard to focus on things that long. I have a shorter attention span, I run out of patience easily, and therefore I can end up getting bored with a story even if it’s a really good idea.

Childish or not it was fun to give Cindie A a piece of my mind on both Facebook and Twitter. Like Kim and Aly, she’s notorious for creating multiple accounts. I knew that because Lori is a mutual friend of ours Facebook would point her future accounts out to me in their ‘suggested friends’ section, and they did. Found the nutjob on Twitter too.

I realize that it may be childish and immature of me to stoop to her level, but I couldn’t help but surprise her and ask if she would have the guts to call me a cunt in person as she did online. Somehow I doubt she would.

Later…

I’ve been running all my journals through Grammarly for any errors that both Word and my own eyes may have missed. I’m up to the summer of 1995 now.

As I’ve said before, I may be quick to disbelieve or be unsure as to whether or not people really have dream premonitions had I not had any myself. And as I’ve also said, I’ve never had any concrete experience to prove there is a God, so I don’t know if there is one or not. Lastly, I could say I’ve never had any experiences with ghosts, despite a couple of weird things right before learning that my Italian Foster mom and then an old teacher of mine died, but maybe I have.

Back in 1995, I felt a “presence” in our home in Phoenix, AZ. It was a positive entity that never gave me any ill feelings. It never hurled our dishes across the room. It never turned our lights on in the middle of the night. It never did anything crazy like that.

I never sensed that they haunted the place in the traditional sense or anything like that and I didn’t think they’d ever been in the house when they were alive either. I got the impression that the spirit, ghost, entity, whatever… was young. Like in their 20s or 30s. The so-called “thing” somehow managed to “tell” me that they had died 10 years ago from cancer. Also, her name was Robin M.

So last night I was sitting here reading about a ghost that Andy was telling me about at the same time which he believed was haunting his place. When I shared my own story with him I asked him if it sounded crazy and he said that if it hadn’t been for his own experience with “Greg,” then yes, he would have thought it was crazy.

My first thought last night was that we were both absolutely nuts. Young, crazy, and totally delusional. I said to myself that I was crazy to have once believed in God and I was just as crazy to have believed that there was any kind of a ghost, friendly or not, in his place or mine. Especially one that Andy said he believed had his way with him in his sleep. He had to have just been lonely and imagined it or maybe he was batshit, right? And I was just as crazy and I had to have been imagining the whole “Robin” thing and somehow lost my grip on reality for some reason.

But then, just for the hell of it, I went to Legacy and I ran the name Robin M. One popped up in Phoenix and I’m like, no way! This has got to be a joke! Sure enough, I found that she died this millennium.

So now I’m back to the crazy theory, assuming I had simply lost my perspective on what was real and what was not for a brief time out of wishful thinking. Maybe I just subconsciously thought the idea of a ghost would be fun and exciting.

But then further research turned up something pretty damn shocking on ancestry.com. I’m not a paying member so I couldn’t get in to access the full information to find out where this person lived/died, but coincidentally or not, there was a Robin M who was born in 1957, the year Tom was born. She died in 1984. Well, in 1995 the entity said she had been dead for 10 years. Close enough.

So if I didn’t go Kim M for a little while there, then this is an absolutely amazing OMG kind of coincidence.

Do you believe in coincidences?

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 14, 2017
I wished Kim a happy birthday and Sarah a happy 27th birthday and backed up another photo album even though Facebook still hassles me with the larger ones.

Wow, it seems like a whole lifetime ago that I was 27 years old. That’s when I met Tom. Although I was still a smoker and only knew three languages at the time, I had great vision, skin that didn’t need lotion, lips that didn’t need lip balm, hair that was devoid of gray, and a 100-pound body that probably had Graves’ disease. I was blissfully naïve in that I didn’t know what true financial insecurity and true terror meant.

But I also knew a lot less than I do now and I was a lot more sensitive and emotional in the wrong kinds of ways. Things had an effect on me back then that wouldn’t faze me now. I’ve always liked Olivia Newton-John, for example, but these days, to pass her on the streets would be no different than passing a total stranger. People are people. I’m just pretty nonplussed these days in general and harder to amaze and impress. I guess that just comes with being older as things become less new and exciting as you’ve either seen or experienced them a million times already.

The temps are slowly coming down and it will probably be a bit chilly in here come 7 AM or so. Definitely not looking forward to winter.

I’m going to shower soon and then go for a quick run, but this time I won’t be in a sleeveless shirt. I prefer to go out when there’s no direct sunlight. When it’s over 70° I go sleeveless. When it’s in the 60s I go in short sleeves. When it’s in the 50s I go in long sleeves. When it’s in the 40s I wear my hoodie. Under 40°… forget it!

I had a dream that Andy and I were talking again. Not gonna happen. Yes, I do miss him at times and I always will. I wish him the very best, but I don’t want to deal with the problems that come with being friends with such an insecure and non-trusting person who’s also very negative and insensitive at times. I just don’t care for arrogant people who think they know it all and who think everybody is lying to them about everything.

But yeah, sometimes I miss checking in with him on and off throughout the day on the old version of Ask, and sometimes I even miss some of the silly Aly/Kim/Molly drama as phony and as immature as it was. My online life has come to be a bit dull indeed, but at least it’s a lot calmer and safer.

I’m proud to say I’m not reading Aly’s tweets as much. The phony liar’s tweets are all about food, indirect cries for attention, and shows I’m not into. So there really isn’t much to see. I was mostly checking to see if she would mention rejoining Prosebox so I could look for her and hope to block her before she blocked me. But I do daily checks of the newcomers on PB. Because the threesome hasn’t stalked me in a while I’ve been more open to sharing the link to my profile there, so it’s no big secret anymore. I would probably be blocked before I realized they had joined, but I don’t care as much anymore. I meant it when I said I was determined to stop caring about those who didn’t care about me. Nor will I forgive and resume any friendships.

I also had a dream that I was working somewhere. I don’t know if she was just another coworker or some kind of boss but I seemed to really like some woman that worked with me doing whatever it was we did. She told me something about not returning to work until Tuesday but would try to get in sooner, knowing I would miss her.

While she was talking to someone else, I twirled round and round nearby three times with the kind of balance I don’t have in real life. I even thought of making up some story about someone mentioning my dancing ability so I could have the opportunity to mention having once been a dancer to her in hopes of impressing her but didn’t want to bullshit her by saying I had a conversation that I never had.

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 13, 2017
Yesterday I heard the loud car leave at 8:45. Still a little early, but I doubt the cock is working. How does it live? Off of mommy and daddy?

Last night I received a subpoena in my dreams that had to do with my dentist. I was quick to hide the thing from (Tom?) and was surprised that I was still allowed to see her since they called to confirm my next appointment the previous day.

Love my new ear cuff! It’s very comfortable, though I doubt I could sleep with it.

thoughts.com is just as fucked up as they always were. I decided to join with my new Xfinity email to see if things had improved over the years, but it just goes to show that some things never change. They’re just as fucked as ever. First I couldn’t upload an avatar, then I couldn’t post an entry, and now I can’t access the site because all I get is a blank white screen.

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 11, 2017
So much for the power of prayer for those who practice it because I got some bad news from Tammy. The part of her roof over the kitchen and dining area is leaking, her lanai has received heavy damage, and the trees and shrubs they put so much time and money into planting have been demolished.

Heart attacks, back surgeries, her car accident, two kids hospitalized at such a young age… is it me or does it seem like her life is actually worse since moving to Florida?

I’m guessing she has insurance to cover the damage but it still sucks, especially since the house is relatively young and roofs usually last 20-30 years. Pretty sure the house is something like 11 years old. Not sure if it’s inhabitable right now or if she’s still staying with the girls, but at least the house as a whole wasn’t picked up and tossed halfway across town, and the stuff inside it should be okay. I don’t think she can live there right now because she said she’s without power. Something like 10 million people are.

My cousin’s daughters posted that she and her husband are okay but that there’s “devastation all around them.” I can just imagine too, since Irma ended up hitting her side of the state more than Tammy’s. I’m hoping they’ll share pictures at some point.

This has really got me thinking… do I really want to move to Florida? Do I? Since Florida is dangerous and Hawaii is too expensive, maybe our best bet will be the Nevada desert. Still have a good 5-10 years to decide. I just know I don’t want to stay here and be so close to such busy roads for the rest of my life, and it would be nice if I only had to hear landscaping sounds once a week instead of nearly every day.

So nice to know that a fellow Proseboxer enjoyed my book and that she left a review. Only problem is the review is not visible and I wonder if there’s a delay with that appearing or if something went wrong along the way. Reviews are extremely important at this point even if they’re not 5-star.

I went to stain my hair yesterday and when I stepped out of the shower it looked like I hadn’t done a thing to it. The roots were just as gray as they were before. It hit me that my leave-in conditioner probably blocked the stain. So I jumped back in the shower, shampooed my hair, and then re-lathered up the staining shampoo, and now I have nice shiny dark brown hair. So as I’ve learned, it’s best to shampoo conditioners and oils out of your hair first to really lock in the color. The hair needs to be wet anyway, and this gets it wetter than if you just rinse it. It’s so much easier to use and so much easier to get even coverage, and all without the harsh smells and damage of traditional dyes.

When I first started using it I thought it was too dark for me, but I’ve gotten used to it and have come to like it. I got the perfect shade this time that’s dark but doesn’t look witchy.

Temperatures continue to be unusually high but by Thursday it will have dropped 20°. Alexa says there’s a 55% chance of rain tonight. I hope not because I want to go out for a late-night run, but then again, rain is refreshing in these temps. It’s the winter rain that sucks, but this winter I’ll be prepared with my little pink plaid rain boots and pink raincoat.

When I heard the loud car leave at something like 7:15 yesterday morning it gave me hope that perhaps they’re working again. The cock that drives it never struck me as a morning person unless it had to be. So I’m really hoping that’s the case so that during the week I only have to hear the fucking thing four times a day instead of six or more, cuz come on, they’re not going anywhere anytime soon any more than I’m going to be allowed the luxury of being able to take my meds every single day, month after month, without anxiety. If I ever am, it won’t be this year, and they’re not going anywhere this year either.

Soon I will be doing some editing on my next book and some cleaning.

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 10, 2017
In following Irma, I see that millions are without power. I hope Tammy isn’t one of them. It’s looking like her house should be okay, though, since it seems that the brunt of the storm has affected the west side more than the east side of the state.

The looting in Florida makes me sick. And of course it’s by blacks. What a surprise, huh? Some people really never do change, and burying ourselves in a sea of political correctness won’t change them either. It simply makes excuses for them. Some people simply can’t be changed, though. They are who they are and they would still be that way even if every person in the country turned against them.

I was kind of annoyed with Tammy and Sarah as well as with myself yesterday. I knew Becky injured her jaw but I didn’t know it was wired shut and that she’s been on a liquid diet since the accident and will continue to be for a couple more weeks. Tammy misunderstood and thought that I was sending flowers, not a fruit and sweets package. I totally regret not sending the flowers because Sarah has helped herself to most of it. At first, I was like, you little pig! I can see her eating some of it, especially the fruit since it would go bad by the time Becky could enjoy it, but a little willpower in saving some of the candy for when she could eat it would have been nice. I’m like, come on, you’re nearly 300 pounds and you’re not even 30 yet! She’s heading for real trouble in life because if anyone knows how much easier it gets to gain weight and how much harder it gets to lose it with age, it’s me. She’s going to end up diabetic for sure. Then again, her sister’s weight is seriously out of control as well. But yeah, I wish we’d spent a little less on flowers instead of shoveling out 80 bucks for Sarah to stuff herself with. No wonder she was so delighted when it arrived and posted a picture thanking us. It was a surprise treat she knew she could have all to her gluttonous self. I overindulge at times too, but 80 bucks of candy in less than three weeks?! Good, God!

My sister is a shitty writer with poor reading comprehension skills (or so it at least seems most of the time even though she’s an avid reader), but I could’ve been responsible for some of the poor communication as well. All I remember is showing her pictures of the treat basket and the flowers and her saying she’d love it and thanking me for my support, but I thought she was talking about the treats, which I thought I had told her I was leaning towards wanting to do something different than flowers and send something that would last longer. But apparently, Sarah has proven that candy won’t last much longer than flowers.

I slipped Becky a note apologizing and explained that while I knew her jaw was injured I thought she could still eat albeit slowly and carefully. She said it’s no problem and that it’s the thought that counts. While I’m glad that someone got to enjoy it rather than have it go to waste even if it wasn’t the intended recipient, I still wish I’d sent the flowers. Hopefully, there won’t be a next time to get it right. It’s sad that both of them at been in the hospital and they’re only in their 20s. Except for the time I had a breakdown and landed in the psych ward, I haven’t spent a night in a hospital since my teens and I don’t intend to until I’m old!

I had a snippet of vague dreams. In one of them, I was in a house with what may have been Tammy and I seemed to be afraid of some guy that was lurking about. Then I was tossing balls or rocks on some grassy knoll with a few people.

Then I was lying in bed in my cousin Lori and Lisa’s house. I was in Lori’s room, thinking that the room was squarer than I remembered it to be, and how noisy it must have been once upon a time with two little girls living in it and two little boys later on. In reality, I don’t know who moved in once they moved out, but I know that the door to the master bedroom wasn’t where it was in the dream.

In another dream, we were back in our Maricopa house. I awoke one day when Tom was at work and spent the day coloring in my pajamas in the room I used as an office. I then headed into the master bedroom because I was going to use the bathroom off of it when I spotted a truck with a small trailer attached to it driving by the bedroom window. Like right outside of it. I worried at first that vehicles going that close to the bed would wake me up but then I tried to console myself with how quiet this one was.

I stepped outside (still in my pajamas?) and found the land to be larger and devoid of vegetation than it actually was. I noticed workers just beyond the back property line and walked down to them to find they had dug a huge trench along the property edge. I asked what they were doing and they said that the trench would soon be home to over 500 chickens.

“Wouldn’t that stink?” I asked.

They gave some incoherent answer and then snickered.

I muttered something like, “Real fucking funny,” and left.

So glad Tom is as good as he is at fixing things because now my keyboard tray sticks out a lot further. Before I could only pull it out barely halfway. I don’t type nearly as much as I talk now but I still type enough.

He also fixed the bobblehead on one of the solar toys, but it still doesn’t work well. Oh well, what can I expect from a cheap toy from China that only costs a few bucks?

No blasting TV for the last three or four nights now, but of course we have to hear that insanely loud car several times a day.

Still liking the new phones a lot better, but there are a couple of standard features I’m surprised to find don’t exist. Most have a little microphone icon for speech-to-text yet Tom had to go through quite a bit to get it to appear.

There is also no blinking light to notify me when texts and messages come in. I tweaked some notification settings last night, but there was still no blinky when I got a voice message.

Voice messaging is really cool because it prints what the person said and if you still want to hear it there’s an option right there to click a speaker icon. We no longer have to go into our VM, enter a password, and then listen to it that way.

The memo app is really convenient for dream notes. If I wasn’t a writer and into collecting pictures, I could see myself getting by just fine with just a phone. It’s just not ideal for watching movies on, even with the bigger screen. Writing wouldn’t be so hard because of speech to text but editing would be a pain on the phone.

Speaking of editing, I have a few more chapters to go through and then I will submit the new version of A Rainbow in Munich for publication. Then I’m going to stain my hair again. :)

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 9, 2017
In one of last night’s dreams, Dr. O was leading me through a large building. All the while she was doing so, she was puffing on a cigarette. I was surprised she smoked.

Then I had a nightmare where I was home and home didn’t look anything like home, as usual. This home had a back door off the kitchen. Tom just left for work and the sun hadn’t fully risen yet. You could see shapes and shadows but no detail. I opened the back door and spotted the silhouette of what appeared to be a stocky guy sitting on a bench on the patio facing the door, one elbow leaning on the side rest, cheek resting against his fist.

“Who the fuck are you?” I demanded.

Not the slightest bit of movement.

“Who the fuck are you?” I demanded again, louder.

Still no sound or movement. I slammed the door and hurried to lock it only this door required a code to be entered from the inside as well as the outside and I couldn’t simply flip a deadbolt. It was dark and the panel didn’t light up so I was fumbling with the buttons and hoping I was hitting the right numbers. The dream ended with me thinking that I would flip the light on and double-check to make sure the door was locked and then I would run for my phone to call the cops and exit the front door.

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 8, 2017
I am so, so pissed off right now. The loud car house did exactly what I feared they would do and pulled their house off the market. Just like the last time they put it up for sale a couple of years ago, they couldn’t get what they wanted and so they gave up. So no, they likely weren’t evicted. I tried to tell myself not to be pissed because if it wasn’t for their loud vehicle it would be someone else’s, but I AM pissed. :-( I’m sick of them breaking rules with loose dogs and underage people living there and no one saying a damn thing about it. I really thought that in a retirement community, people would be quick to speak up when they saw people breaking rules. My mother had said one wrong move and you’re out when we were discussing moving to an adult community before her death. But this is the west where it’s considered a sin to complain about others, so that may be why.

But I don’t care if this is the west or not, although I did take measures to complain anonymously by inserting a bogus name/number. I don’t know if they’ll get the message, but I felt I had to do something and that this would be better than doing nothing at all. Maybe the 20-something guy has permission to be there, and if he does I apologize for complaining like I told them. But I would be willing to bet otherwise. He sure doesn’t smack of caretaker and I really don’t think he’s supposed to be here, so hopefully, they’ll investigate.

I can’t swear to it but I think the woman that lives there (there are like three generations of people) may teach water aerobics. In that case, she may be able to get away with more things easier. I haven’t seen the little girls in a while but as far as I know, there’s a whole family living there. Breaking a few rules here and there short term is one thing, but there have been minors there ever since we’ve been here and I really can’t believe no one else has noticed. If we’ve been able to figure this out from the other side of the circle, how can those who can see their place from theirs not have caught on? I think they have but are afraid to say anything and they’re not savvy enough to do it anonymously. People definitely don’t take well to complaints out here, but if they’re not supposed to be there and the office really does investigate, I don’t see how they would suspect us. We’ve never even talked to the people.

Anyway, after waiting forever to get my number transferred to the new phone, I’ve set it up and gotten to know it a bit and I definitely think it’s the best phone I’ve had as of yet. Much easier to navigate. I love how there are no ads on the lock screen and I can give individual contacts different ring tones and notification sounds. Changing wallpaper is easier and the voice recorder and memo thing are easy to use as well. Haven’t found a flashlight yet. I sent Tom and Tammy some things. I’ll probably use the speech-to-text in the memo thing for dream notes. There’s this really cool thing that lets me spell words by drawing them with my finger right on the screen.

My TSH is probably still in the teens because my skin is still dry, my nails are a bit brittle, my hair is a little thinner, and every time I walk into a room I forget why. Most importantly… NO anxiety! :-)

For just a couple of bucks from China, I got 2 large ocean stickers. I put one of them on my desk and it actually looks pretty good. The last of the solar toys arrived broken, so that’s 2 of them that are broken now. Tom’s good at fixing things like that.

I ended up walking twice yesterday. The first time it was kind of hot and there were a lot of people out and about along with traffic. I didn’t like having to break my stride by having to stop and wait for traffic, so I definitely prefer to go out later at night. It’s so quiet and peaceful then. I just have to watch for skunks. I took the ducks a few pieces of bread and I think I’ll take them the last of the old bread since the rats will be getting a new loaf tomorrow as Saturday is grocery day.

Tammy’s pretty anxious about her house due to the hurricane. She should have been evacuated by now although I don’t think it’s supposed to hit Florida until Sunday morning. I wonder if those who moved there are sorry they did every time there’s a hurricane. This one’s a biggy, too. :-( Fingers crossed!

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 7, 2017
Traffic and landscaping during the daytime. Blasting TVs at night. I really can’t live in peace, can I? The “stroke” house is blasting their TV again. I can hear it all the way down in my bedroom. When I was out walking earlier I could not only see the TV through their window, but they had the window wide open. Do they have any idea just how fucking loud that thing is or do they not give a shit? I’m guessing the latter. But because it’s a lot easier to drown out than loud stereos and barking dogs, I’m keeping my mouth shut, even though I shouldn’t have to hear someone else’s TV at midnight. Especially in a retirement community and ESPECIALLY in a house. That’s just fucking ridiculous. But knowing what pussies people tend to be and how poorly they handle complaints, no matter how much in the right I may be, I don’t want to risk what shit they may give me thus possibly causing me to lose it on them.

They had their equally obnoxious car out a couple of times earlier. It’s not as loud as the one the kid drives, but loud enough to give them the gratification of knowing that they forced people to acknowledge them as they drove by. But yeah, I’d say the guy who had a stroke has recovered enough to start driving again. And blast the TV, of course. These people aren’t early to bed like most old folks. The TV is usually blasting between 9 PM and 1 AM. I don’t know how the people next to them and Bob and Virginia can stand it.

A couple of days ago I was thinking that they’re going to turn the water off again any time now, and I was right. We got a notice saying it’s going to be off tomorrow from 8 AM to 2 PM, but I should be asleep during those times.

Later…

For the first time in my life, I was thrilled when my doctor’s nurse called to tell me my TSH was at 15, and I explained why and all about the experiment I was doing to isolate the root cause of my anxiety for once and for all. I told her I started skipping every other day when I felt anxious a few weeks ago so I could see if I still felt that way when my TSH eventually got too high to be causing most of it (OMG, the dry skin I had for a couple of weeks there). While the medication still can and does fuel the anxiety if my TSH drops under 10, it’s great to know the meds aren’t the main culprit. If I’m ever going to be able to tolerate the single digits, though, it’s going to have to wait until I’m postmenopausal and my hormones have settled in. But yeah, it’s great to know that the root cause since I began being “stabbed” in the chest on and off since last December is mostly the perimenopause just like my doctor in Tammy said.

For now, I’ve agreed to take it every day that I can stand to (I’m not going to let the anxiety escalate to the point that my heart is racing and I’m on the toilet with the runs three times a day) and will skip doses if the anxiety picks up. For the most part, I haven’t had too many anxious days for a while and it’s now been a couple of months since I needed lorazepam. In six weeks I will return to the lab.

Thinking back on it now there are a few things I can see that definitely points away from the medication as being the root cause. I took a dose following a day where I felt anxious but didn’t have any anxiety the next day. So no accumulation issues or pocket flares there. I also haven’t had any lung tightness or “mindfuckers,” as I call those crazy and irrational flashes of dread I used to feel. No jitteriness either… All symptoms that you’re heading for trouble and going thyrotoxic.

For just one dollar each, we upgraded our phones to these really nice androids that will cost us anywhere from $3 - $14 a month depending on what data we DL. Yeah, a hell of a deal. I don’t understand why people pay hundreds for high-end phones when there are much cheaper phones that can do the same thing. Tom got one first and when I checked it out and decided I like it better than my other one, we went and ordered me one before this incredible sale is over. We had a little trouble at first but finally managed to transfer my number to the new phone. I hate to chat much but I do other things with it like play music on it when I’m out running. This one is easier to change wallpaper pics, create contacts, and tweak other settings. I love how I can give different people in my contacts different ringtones.

Hurricane Irma is heading Tammy’s way, last I knew. I guess she’s still going to the girls’ place and Mark will be holed up at work.

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 6, 2017
Despite the fact that tons and tons of people have complained to Facebook about their public activity being flagged in their friends’ feeds, Facebook continues to do nothing to give people added privacy. Why is it so important to Facebook that our friends be informed of our public activity anyway? Hey, I just sneezed. Do all my friends really need to know that?

I found a really cool site I like but I want to keep it to myself because I know some people would gladly follow me there and I think we all need a little corner of the web all to ourselves where we interact with no one we know from other sites or in person. The only one I’ve mentioned it to is Tom. But of course, I can’t “like” or follow them on Facebook or else Facebook will take it upon themselves to inform my friends about it. Next thing you know Facebook is going to be telling all our friends when we take a dump. Being followed around on various sites can be flattering to some degree, but it can also be annoying, and depending on who you are, it just might even put the creep in creepy.

Well, for whatever it may be worth to my Facebook friends, I never follow the news feed. I see what’s on top when I check for messages, but if it’s any consolation to you, I don’t care what your latest level of achievement is in the games you play, I don’t care what friend you just wished a happy birthday to, and I don’t care if you “like” your local diner. Still want to know the important things going on in your life, though, so… Messenger!

Speaking of which, Tammy messaged me to say they are in fact going to be evacuated. Mark will be staying at work and she will be going to the girls’ place. Kind of makes me wonder if Florida would really be a good place for us. If I think traffic and other things wake me up enough of the time here, do I really want to add storms to the mix even though some storms can be really cool and actually kind of fun? And where the hell would we go if we were evacuated? To a school with a bunch of strangers, half of which let their unruly kids run around screaming up a storm?

She also said that Becky had a broken wrist but didn’t go into detail. She just had surgery to replace a break in two places in her arm so how she ended up with a broken wrist is beyond me. I don’t know if she reinjured herself or if the doctors fucked up.

I want to thank those who have bought my book. I appreciate it big time. I’ve been in one area or another of the arts and entertainment business most of my life and I can assure you it’s a very black-and-white world. You’re either a nobody who struggles or you’re rich and famous, and believe me, fame is the last thing I want. I don’t have enough look-alikes to be able to blend into public wherever I go. I’m smaller than the average woman and my face is kind of unique looking as well. So screw fame. Just buy my book. :-)

Becky’s GoFundMe account has only generated $305 from seven different donations. I’m kind of surprised since she has hundreds of Facebook friends but then again, who knows how real they are?

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 5, 2017
So Locked-In is now live and waiting for sales and reviews. I just had the cover picture repositioned so the chain isn’t too close to the edge of the cover, and added my middle name. These simple changes that should be instantaneous are going to take up to 72 hours, so I don’t know if the original link will still work once the changes are visible.

I’m so glad I made an appointment at the lab today otherwise I would have been waiting for at least an hour. On their big-screen TV, you can see how much time each patient has. It was nice to be in and out, though. Even if the place was dead and peaceful, sitting for an hour in a waiting room isn’t my idea of a good time.

Tom said someone complained while I was in with the vampire about being there an hour and wanted to know why others could just walk right in. I guess not everyone knows that you can make an appointment. I also like how you can check in on the little tablets they have set up instead of having to wait and check in at the desk.

Anyway, because I was anxious yesterday I expected to get hit with anxiety today, but so far I’m okay. Not sure I want to push it and take my medication tomorrow, though. We’ll see how I feel. I remember from the last time I got really bad with the 88 mcg attempt that there were days when I didn’t feel that anxious. The anxiety kind of zigzagged upward before it came to a head. So just because I feel calmer today doesn’t mean I won’t be anxious tomorrow. For the first time in my life, though, I’m actually hoping my TSH is high because that would point much more toward the perimenopause than the medication. But sadly, as much as I would like to believe that the perimenopause has been responsible for most of the anxiety I’ve experienced over the last few years, I know better. It’s the meds. My TSH is back in the single digits.

The weather is hot and unusually humid. It almost reminds me of the monsoon season in Arizona. From what Tom said he read, Tammy should be getting slammed with rain but not evacuated due to Hurricane Irma.

Last night or the night before I was annoyed with the planes again. I hear some buzzing around up there right now. Really hope it’s not going to be going on for too long.

What I’m really, REALLY sick of is that fucking car. That house isn’t going to sell this year if it sells it all. Last night it came and went after midnight. Just because we assumed they got evicted doesn’t mean they definitely did. Therefore a part of me wonders if we should ask the office if they know they have a 20-something living here who clearly isn’t a caretaker and who comes and goes in their insanely loud car night and day, but I’m not sure what good it would do. It really sucks that their job didn’t last long because then I only heard them four times a day during the week. But as Tom pointed out, even if the office learned about them right now, eviction takes time. It’s not like they could be thrown out in a month.

Also, wishing the car would end up totaled is pointless because they’re the type that would replace it with something just as loud. This car isn’t naturally this loud. They made it this loud. As I always said about those with insanely loud car stereos, I really have to wonder about anyone who feels the need to get the attention of people they don’t even know. Why is it so damn important to them that the people they pass by hear them? Were they stifled as children that they feel such an intense desire to be heard? What happened in their life to make them that desperate, needy and insecure to put that much work and money into being acknowledged by anyone within hearing range even if they don’t know them from a hole in the wall? This isn’t only a candid show of rudeness and inconsideration, but a vivid display of serious lack of self-respect as well.

And why aren’t there laws against this kind of shit? Doesn’t this count as needless noise pollution?

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 3, 2017
I was backing up Pinterest boards on Facebook but I’m not sure if I’m going to continue because every time I try to upload an album of pictures they hassle me. They want me to input codes and no matter how many times I input them correctly, I keep receiving new codes. And as always, you can complain and complain all you want to Facebook but Facebook just doesn’t care.

Damn, I hate that site! Hassles, glitches and a newsfeed littered with “suggested” posts and friends’ interactions with their friends as opposed to what’s actually going on with them. If it weren’t for Messenger I would have gotten rid of it years ago.

I’m also not sure if I want to keep my journal public because I’m tired of having to watch what I say. I don’t care if I hurt someone’s feelings by expressing my opinion about whatever because when we read people’s journals we have to assume we may not like or agree with everything we read. But I don’t want to accidentally share mine or other people’s sensitive info.

I’m kind of torn because on the one hand, while I like being surprised by people visiting and sharing feedback from all over the world, and while I may be tempted to spread my social butterfly wings both in person and online, I think of Aly and Stacey and I’m reminded that anyone can abandon us at any time or lead us on. They really put a complex on me. One minute I think it would be nice to meet new people and make new friends, but then I remember all the trouble they can bring. I’m just too old for any toxic drama. I don’t need it and I don’t want it and I don’t know if it’s worth putting myself in a position to have to deal with it. The older I get the less sociable I am and while it may be boring at times, it is certainly safer. So I’m not sure what I’m going to do as far as journaling goes. A part of me wants to go private and just share with those I’m closest to on Facebook. Then another part wants to go somewhere in between like what I’m doing now where I share mostly on PB and FB. And yet another part of me misses blogging on several sites. I hate being so indecisive. It’s frustrating.

There’s also the fact that what I may consider public now might be something I’ll want to make private later on and vice versa. If I end up parting ways with someone on ill terms, then I’m obviously going to be less hesitant in what I say about them. But if we later patch things up, even though I try not to be too forgiving, then I may wish I hadn’t spoken so freely about any problems we may have had. So what I share publicly tends to be generic stuff and things that don’t really involve others in much detail. It also depends on who they are. I’m more open to writing about Bob, for example, because he doesn’t go online, not that he should be offended by my saying we exchanged hellos or anything like that. I don’t mind bitching about or praising Jane Doe or Joe Schmoe to Tammy, though, because hey, she’s my sister. She’s runner-up to Tom in the I-know-Jodi-best department. Speaking of my aloof sister, I haven’t been able to get any info out of her about her surgery, so I’m guessing there were no major complications. She’s been able-bodied enough to check into Facebook regularly so that right there is a good sign. She may still be in some pain but at least she’s alive.

I deleted my story account since I plan to publish dozens of books over the next few years. I was thinking that rather than raise the price higher than I had the last two set at which were $3, I might have them all be $.99, especially since most of them are short stories.

We went to Jack-in-the-Box a couple of hours ago and the burger and fries I had should sustain me for 5-6 hours.

I’m down a few pounds because yesterday I got sick as hell with really bad diarrhea. Kick-ass stomach cramps too. I’m not sure what caused it. Still with the Baby Oil rash too, but it’s getting better.

Finished watching S1 of Gypsy. It’s about a therapist who’s oh-so normal but pretty fucked up at the same time, and who becomes infatuated with some of her patients and follows them around. Sound familiar? I highly doubt Stacey “followed” me around, though it wouldn’t surprise me if she has Googled me and checked my Facebook and blogs. Probably still does, if only every once in a while. Despite our little problem, if you could really call it that, I do miss her at times and I really appreciate all the help she gave me. I realize no one’s perfect and I certainly don’t hold anything against her. I just get tired of some people being all for one thing one minute and just the opposite the next minute. She gave me every indication to believe we’d keep in touch every now and then.

I also don’t ever again want to be led to believe that I’ve got a friend for life in someone just to find out later on that that isn’t so. Yes, people were meant to come and go in our lives. Sometimes they give us a reason to dump them. Sometimes they dump us. Sometimes they tell us why on their way out of our lives and other times they just ghost us. The point is that while I do get used to it, I get tired of dealing with it just the same. It gets old after so many years.

Tom began reading my story Locked-In which will soon be submitted for publication. He said my stories are always good but my writing style is still a bit erratic at times.

I hate to wake up all the rats but we’ve got to change their cage, and hey, sometimes they have to function on our schedule, like it or not. They get free room and board and food, haha. But after some hugs and kisses, they’ll go back to sleep till sundown.

Later…

It had been a while since I searched for any new diary/journal sites that I might like, so I did a search earlier and found GoodNightJournal. It says it’s been around since 2013 and I wonder how I never stumbled upon it before. I

If I suddenly turned my entries on LiveJournal public, and maybe even some of the books that are private on PB, my family would probably never know they were there, but it’s not worth the risk. Tammy had to have joined PB (and I don’t doubt that “Tammy” was indeed her), then refused to tell me about it for a reason. I think she was looking to see if she could see anything from a member’s POV. So there’s some degree of curiosity on her part which tells me she may actively look for some things. Most people don’t know this, but if you share the same content in different places you may be able to copy and paste a sentence or two into Google’s search engine and bring up all the locations it’s in. Hopefully, she’s not smart enough to know she can do this, but like I said, I’m not too worried about it.

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 2, 2017
The dream I had a couple of nights ago now makes sense. We went to the lab at 9:30. The last time we were there at that time it was dead, but this time there wasn’t a single seat available and we knew it would be about an hour’s wait. So we decided to leave and schedule me for Tuesday afternoon, and we did. Maybe that was why Tom’s answer made no sense at all when I asked him in the dream what my numbers were… Because I wasn’t getting blood drawn today. This is good, though, as it gives me a few more doses to push my TSH down. No anxiety and I’m on the 8th consecutive dose. Wish I could always take it every day and not have a problem like most people. Why is it always me that has to struggle with so many things in life? Really wish I could get the damn gland removed so pocket flares would no longer be an issue and affect how the meds affect me.

I had a positive dream pertaining to gays and adoption, like they were going to be allowed to adopt nationwide, but they pretty much already can, as it should be. Maybe something else positive will happen to them.

Kathleen was also in my dreams but I don’t remember what they were about. Definitely looking forward to seeing her more than Holly in a few weeks, even though Holly has always been very kind and does a great job cleaning my teeth.

I cooked fries and shrimp together in our oilless fryer. Love the thing! Trying frozen chicken wings later on.

Got a couple of really cute stickers from China to decorate the light switch plates with. They look adorable.

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 1, 2017
It’s a very hot and hazy day out there today with temperatures expected to reach 108°.

We’re looking forward to setting up the larger shower with the new shower massage and caddies. Getting metal shower caddies was a big mistake because of the way they get rusty. The new one isn’t plastic but it’s coated wire. I should have done this years ago because I’m tired of not having any elbow room in that tiny phone booth of a shower stall in the other bath, and I’m barely 5 feet. There are a couple of caddies actually. One is a tension pole with 4 adjustable shelves.

So that’s my shower news. In household news, the laundry is done and the house is relatively clean.

In health news, I’m feeling okay. A lot less lightheaded. I don’t know if it’s because I went back on the Amberen or because my TMJ isn’t bothering me at the moment, but I don’t care. I’m just glad when I feel better. I’m maybe a touch tired, but I don’t need to do anything physical for it to matter, since I already exercised, and any editing or other work that requires concentration has been done for the day.

Over the long weekend, our goal is to submit Locked-In for publication on Amazon.

In dreamland, I went to visit Eileen but she didn’t seem too happy to have me around even though I pretended not to notice.

Then I dreamed that I’d already been to the lab (that’s on for tomorrow) and Tom said he saw my numbers online. He first mumbled something about them that made absolutely no sense and then I asked in an impatient voice, “What is my TSH?!” He then told me they weren’t posted.