December 2016 in 2010s

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 31, 2016
Slept great on both the new mattress and mattress pad, and I’m going to try it without the pad tonight. The mattress pad definitely feels a little weird and it’s going to take some getting used to if I decide to use it. Even though the 3” pad isn’t very dense, it almost makes you feel like you’re sagging, and it’s also a little hard to move or roll over. If not, Tom will use it, so there’s no money wasted. I decided that rather than rotate the mattress periodically, I would sleep on the far side of the bed when I was sleeping at night since it’s closer to the street, and on the close side when I was sleeping during the daytime. I’m sticking to the close side until I decide which setup I want to go with.

Today was both fun and productive. Tom picked up a few groceries we couldn’t get online before I got up. I got up at 10:30 and by noon we were starting to lay down the new floor tiles in the laundry room and second bath. I’ve done many home renovations, but this is my first floor. Yeah, I’m kind of proud of myself. :-)

We got the pieces down that didn’t need cutting. The cutting is going to be the tricky part and that may take more time than the ones that didn’t need to be cut. I also wonder if there’s enough adhesive on these things, but if not we can always add some glue.

The floor is absolutely gorgeous so far. There’s no comparing the old and the new. This is so much brighter, shinier and prettier.

We’ll probably finish up tomorrow. Then all we have to do is go pick up our groceries and change both the rat cage and the air filters in the bedroom air cleaners.

So 2016 was still a damn good year for the most part. Sure thought it was going to end on a shitty note with those few anxious weeks I had. Other than some anxiety, the heatstroke I experienced on vacation and then Stacey’s shit, I’d say it was a pretty good year. I just hope my hormones get their act together in 2017!

My only real concern for next year is Trump. I still hope the sexist, gay/Jew-hating whore gets assassinated right along with Pence. We thought our stocks would take a huge hit because of them, but instead of a loss our 401 is now up to around 13K!!!

Signing off now with a copy of my letter to Stacey.

I thought I would let you know why I canceled our appointment, and to be perfectly honest, I’m doing this more to get things off my chest than because I feel like I owe you an explanation. It’s too long for a voicemail, and I didn’t want to send this to your business email in case it got caught in your spam box (the one with something like 4 letters and 4 numbers in the address). I also didn’t think it was appropriate to Facebook it to you or send it in the mail anywhere else I could have sent it.

First I want to make two things clear to you. The first thing is that my opting to cancel our appointment has nothing to do with my attraction to you. If a person is a good therapist and beneficial to me, then it doesn’t matter what they look like. I agree that my problem is probably physiological, and lovely or not, I really would have preferred to feel better and never see you again for this darn anxiety.

Second thing… The last thing I want is for this to offend or upset you in any way. That is absolutely not my intention.

That being said, you know how you told me you “thought it through” after I gave you my contact info? Well, so did I. After our last chat, I had a chance to reflect on things and it’s like you had 3 different personalities during the times I saw you. There was the first one that was almost quiet, easygoing and professional. There was the second one that was chattier and seemed to suggest that my fondness/attraction was welcome and mutual. And then there was the third one that came across as standoffish and cold.

Stacey, I really did feel like you gave me mixed signals no matter how unintentional I’m sure it was on your part. Also, I had no planned “outcome” in mind for us any more than I thought you did. BUT… I did have hopes that you gave me. Not that we would become lovers or anything like that after I finally got a grip on my anxiety for more than two seconds, and not that we would be friends who would go out shopping and dining together. Nor did I expect that we would visit each other at our homes, but more along the lines of some form of phone or digital communication from time to time. You seemed quite happy to receive my contact info and then I remember you saying something to the effect of, “Thank you for this, Jodi. I just didn’t want you to get the wrong idea about my not going to your blog. That’s just not something I do.”

This led me to believe that the attraction part of it was mutual, even if neither of us had any grand plans for any particular outcome. Forgive me if I perceived you incorrectly and got you all wrong as much as it’s hard for me to believe I could suddenly become this bad at reading people. Like you said you are, I’m usually pretty intuitive. But if I got this one wrong I totally apologize for it. Totally.

I usually try to be an open person, but perhaps I should have done a better job of hiding the crush, kept my mouth shut, and not been so forthright about it.

I can’t go so far as to say I feel like I had my head played with, and I know that you never actually came out and said anything directly about being attracted to me, but it was in your body language, some of the things you said, the way you said them… or so I at least thought.

When I thought you were attracted to me and that we might keep in touch between or after our sessions, this really lifted my spirits and gave me something that I thought I had to look forward to in addition to the good things I already have going for me in life, however naïve of me this might have been.

Guess I’m either a million times worse at reading people than I gave myself credit for, or maybe there was something there that you started to feel and then you feared it might go too far or something like that. Only you can know the answer to this, but if you were attracted to me in any way, I certainly don’t expect you to admit it and apologize for how the whole situation has made me feel. You’re the last person I would’ve guessed would make me end up feeling this way. I’m hurt and it’s going to take time to recover and bounce back from this, but I will.

I have deleted the positive review I gave you on Yelp now that I kind of see you in a different light. My trust has been shaken and my respect for you lowered a bit. Let’s just say that I looked up to you, I admired you, and then I came to see that you might not be as real as I thought you were. As my husband agrees, this has had a big effect on me that basically shattered me and kicked me back down a rung or two emotionally, although I still believe you didn’t intentionally set out to make me feel this way, and I know I’ll get over it in time. But whether you meant to make me feel led on or not, I still feel the way I feel. This is part of why I keep to myself. It may be boring this way at times, but it’s safer. No misunderstandings this way.

Like I said, I never had any set expectations, but just a little bit of hope for ongoing communication because you always had a way of making me feel better. I’m not going to lie to you, though. The last time I left your office I felt disappointed, confused, surprised and a little angry instead of calmer and a bit more hopeful about life in general. I just would have preferred it if you’d told me when I gave you my contact info that that wasn’t something you did any more than blog visiting. I would have understood, and I do understand that you have certain rules and guidelines to stick to. Nonetheless, I’m a woman of my word and my contact info is still yours to do as you please, though I don’t see what you’d need it for at this point.

For whatever it’s worth, I don’t think you’re a bad person or a bad counselor. I saw a counselor a few times before seeing you, and while she didn’t harm me, she wasn’t helpful. Seeing her was like going to a restaurant and not being served. I was resistant to therapy at first because I just didn’t see at the time how telling one more person about what happened with the medication would help. But it did. The EMDR may not have made my life a bowl of cherries, but I definitely believe I may have more panic attacks without it. The tapping still helps at times, too. I will always carry these coping tools with me throughout my life.

Aside from any negative feelings going through my mind, I honestly don’t know that you could have helped me much more than you already have, as intelligent as you are. You can’t make my perimenopause go away, and if I’ve suppressed some horrible memory, we may never know if it’s a real memory or not, just like you said. And what if it was? Whatever may’ve happened to me couldn’t be undone, could it?

There were also a couple of minor issues like some inconsistencies in some of the things you told me. The last time I saw you, you said you didn’t remember your dreams, but I swear you told me a few sessions ago that you too, have had dream premonitions. Maybe you just usually don’t remember your dreams?

I would also get a little frustrated with how many things I’d tell you that you’d forget. I totally get, however, that you have many patients and that it’s hard to keep track of everything everyone tells you, and maybe my expectations are a little high because I usually have a great memory. Like nearly eidetic. Not just with big things but I’m able to recall the most mundane of details such as every outfit I’ve seen you wear, etc. Yes, I’d remember even if you were ugly.

You asked what I thought I learned from all this. Well, I learned that anyone can change, no one is necessarily who we think they are, and anyone is capable of just about anything. Even leading us on while they may not realize it or intend to do so.

What have you learned?

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 30, 2016
“It’s sad that when I push people away they just go and they don’t even try to stay.”

Aly “liked” this quote on Twitter. Who the hell is she kidding? Did I not try to stay? Or has she simply forgotten this already? Damn, I need to stop reading her tweets. God, give me the strength to ignore anyone from my past who may one day reach out to me, not that I expect them to. The sad thing is that I would probably be willing to talk to at least a few of them. Why am I still too forgiving? Andy and Paula no, but Nane, Maliheh, Aly and Stacey would still be hard to ignore if they ever contacted me, especially Aly and Stacey.

Because he’s more married to his job than me (and I don’t mean that in a bad way), we haven’t had a chance to swap the mattresses again. Besides, it said to let the new mattress pad lay out somewhere for a couple of days where it can have a chance to expand. Since today is his last day until Tuesday, we’ll swap mattresses when he gets home.

I just hope I feel well enough to do the floors this weekend!

Slept ok last night. Lungs were a little tight when I woke up, but relaxed later on. My throat is better today and my nasal allergies backed off as of yesterday now that I’m back on the spray. Not feeling anxious or fatigued today. I went on a 15-minute walk and will do another 15 minutes on the Bowflex.

The sun was warm and the air was cool. On the way back I was warm enough to take off my hoodie. I was surprised because it’s been so damn cold here. I said hello to a couple with a dog by the lake, and to Bob along the way. I also exchanged hellos with him a couple of days ago on the way to pick up the mail when he was taking down their Christmas lights.

Started another story, so that makes 3 unfinished ones. Maybe someday I’ll be able to focus better and for longer periods at a time. It isn’t always just a lack of concentration, but sometimes I do get busy with other things and I just don’t have the time.

Now that I’m caught up on my shows, I’m going to look for a new show to get into on Netflix when I’m eating or on the skier. The next season of Bates Motel is going to be added next month. This is good, but I hate having to try to remember where the story left off. Wish they would stop deleting things, too.

Three times today and three times yesterday I heard the park making their landscaping racket with their insanely loud blowers. I don’t understand why I have to hear this shit nearly every single day. Why do they need to do this more than once a week???

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 29, 2016
Good God, what am I going to do if I ever need medication for something that’s a matter of life or death since just about every single thing I take seems to cause problems?! Sure enough, I had to stop the Estroven because I awoke with an irritating tingling sensation in my throat and mouth. I looked online and found that this can happen, though it’s supposed to only be to a small percentage.

The sore throat I had on Tuesday was more consistent with a cold which my body fought off in less than a day as it usually does. But this feels more similar to a thing called thrush that kind of leaves this strange/gross sensation in your mouth, which I sometimes get if I stop eating yogurt.

I called the number on the box and spoke to a woman who said that this is “expected” to happen. Really? Because I swore I read online only 3% have this reaction. Either way, she couldn’t tell me if I would get worse or how long it would last, but I think it’s safe to say it’s not going to kill me. I gargled with saltwater and now all I can do is wait it out. I’m guessing it will be better tomorrow. This sucks big time because I think it really might have been helping with the anxiety and even making me sleep better. The insomnia was back last night and I was up for something like 19 hours, but I’ve been sleeping a little better overall. So now my anxiety may return and I’ll just have to tough it out on my own, wondering if it’s my thyroid pills, but pretty sure it’s the perimenopause while never knowing when it’s going to fucking end. I realize, though, that the sooner I let it come back, the sooner I can not only learn to adapt to it once and for all as horrible as it is, but it’s a great diet tool too, and I still have another 20 pounds to go, though I would settle for 15.

The only other thing I feel so far today is fatigue. My body is acting PMSy again, though I don’t know why. I just had a period less than two weeks ago. But my fatigue and hunger levels are up (though I’m not that hungry today), I’m retaining water, and my boobs are sore.

I began to feel a little anxious towards the middle of my day yesterday for about five hours and decided to skip my pill today in case there’s still a connection. I’m just tired of having to suffer one thing or another nearly every single fucking day of my life. Why can’t I just LIVE my life?!

Just got a message from Zaradhe. She confirmed that my stress test was normal, please schedule to see Doc A after my March labs, please consider another counselor, and am I on the shrink’s waiting list? They have cancellations, she told me.

When I turned around and called the Behavioral Health department, however, I was told the shrink doesn’t have any cancellations.

Argh, fuck this shit! I honestly don’t know how much more I can take! I burst into tears… what happened with Stacey, the anxiety, the perimenopause, the Estroven, the levothyroxine, the scary unknown… it’s all too much for me at times.

As for another counselor… I not only don’t know that I could trust one, but I honestly don’t know if one could help me any more than Stacey had before what happened between us happened, which not surprisingly, I didn’t receive an apology for. How much more can I learn about anxiety and the tricks to combat it? I’ve researched online. I’ve talked to the experts. I really think I’m doing all that can be done and that the only other thing that may help is to try to find a medication that’s not only helpful but that doesn’t have unacceptable side effects. Good luck to me with that one.

I’m still shocked, hurt and a little angry over Stacey, but doing better. This is the kind of shit you expect with the young and naïve. Not a 58-year-old therapist.

So I’m sitting here worrying and wondering about this and that, and then I got a reply from Eileen. I had asked her if she still wanted to stay connected on Facebook because I wasn’t hearing from her very often. Turns out her daughter’s husband tried to kill her last August and the guy is awaiting trial. The daughter has been in the hospital and trying to work to support two kids, so everyone’s both shocked and exhausted.

This made me realize that while things may be bad enough for me right now, they could be a lot worse. I’m so glad Tom and I said “no” to kids in the end. That would have been more people to worry about when it’s enough to worry about ourselves.

“Some days you’re up, some days you’re down.” Tammy recently told me this, and this is so true. She’s so right on that one! I haven’t had anxiety yet today but I sure have had my share of stress and frustration on top of the throat irritation and having to hear landscaping on and off all fucking day.

I had a dream I was in an expensive boutique. The two women that worked there, one older and a younger one appearing to be a lesbian, showed me various items and gave me the ridiculous price of each one. The lesbian let me have a one-piece pajama outfit for free that was so small it could only fit a toddler.

I hugged her for it and hoped that they would finally present some desirable items at a reasonable enough price as a way of showing my gratitude for the free item. I finally settled on a $12 bottle of nail polish, even if it wasn’t a great color.

Then I was in a restaurant and I started to leave without my purse (I seem to do that a lot in dreams). I went back and retrieved it and then I “skated” off down the street with Tom and some woman on what looked like a dolly.

In the last dream, Tom and I were discussing moving to Florida and whether or not it was something we really wanted to do.

Oh, I sure hope I survive to have that conversation someday.

Later…

I think that tomorrow I’m just going to start taking the levothyroxine as directed and stop trying to change, stop or control the anxiety. The anxiety was meant to be for a reason and the sooner I let it come back, the sooner I can begin to adapt to living with it. I mean this is me now. This is me. It may not be me every single day, but it’s something I’m going to experience regularly enough and it’s not going to go away for good anytime soon if it ever does. Tom reminded me that nothing stays the same, and while it’s logical to assume it’s not forever, I can’t know that for sure.

So if it was my thyroid meds making me anxious, the anxiety will soon return as I get regular again with my doses. If it was the Estroven that’s backed it off the last couple of days, then the anxiety is still going to return because I’m not taking that anymore. I just have to remind myself that it’s only a feeling and it can’t kill me.

Aly’s tweets are the usual stuff. Riddles and complaints that Kim’s not around as much. I think they must keep in touch daily on other sites, though.

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 28, 2016
I can’t believe someone threw a beer can on the side of our lot. This is the last place I would have expected that in a gated, upscale adult community, seemingly the runner-up luxury park in the area. There were even a few sips of beer left in it. I dumped it out and threw the can in the recycle bin.

It’s SO damn cold out there! Again I think I’ll work out indoors. Maybe I’ll just do that until February or March. LOL

Anyway, I didn’t have any anxiety yesterday and I had almost no lung tightness. No hot flashes either, though I did wake up warm a few times. Anxiety is still mostly at bay, but I don’t feel as calm as yesterday.

The sore throat I had yesterday is gone, but my nasal allergies are still acting up. It’s going to take a few days for my nasal spray to kick in. It’s not one of those as-needed things.

I was surprised to see that they did check my estrogen during my last round of lab work, as well as a CK test. First I thought this was something that was related to hormones, but according to our research, it checks to see if you’ve had a heart attack in the past. The numbers are up just a little bit, but nowhere near being worrisome.

We were looking up reference ranges for estrogen, and because different regions measure differently, we can only guess that yes, my estrogen is down since last August.

Later…

Stacey should get my letter today. I’m guessing it would be delivered anytime between something like 9:30 - 3:30. The question is when will she actually read it? She might not read it until she gets home, but my guess is that it will be read before she goes to bed.

There’s a tiny part of me that wishes she would call about it and even feel a little bad about it, but this is still more to get it off my chest than to upset her. I think if she feels anything at all she would be a little pissed. But contrary to Arizona’s beliefs, I have just as much right to express myself as anyone else, and I did it in a decent and legal way.

My guess is she’ll just file or toss the letter and I’ll never hear from her again, but at least I will have made myself heard to her, so I can move on without feeling like there’s any “unfinished business” between us.

I don’t know if the confidentiality laws extend to mail, but I would think that unless there were any threats, it would, not that I really care if she shares the letter with anyone. I would, however, prefer that none of my other doctors know about it. If Doc A asks me to elaborate on why I stopped seeing Stacey, I’ll tell her. Otherwise, it’s no one else’s business and I think it should be kept between Stacey and I.

In last night’s dream, I was sitting in the waiting room where a pharmacy was nearby. I sat next to a black guy and there were maybe about 10 people in the room.

The pharmacist, an older white guy, called me up to question me about my insurance or something like that.

I jumped up without taking my purse and told him to hang on while I grabbed my purse because I didn’t want anybody to snatch it. So I got the purse and returned to the counter where I had to squeeze in front of two ladies that were now present.

A large white woman started to complain about how I muscled around her, but I just ignored her.

Then I was complementing these colorful designs on a young woman’s shirt, which seemed to change at random. I asked how the design changed and the woman wearing it said that she was the one that changed the designs.

Then I made some ridiculous comments like, “Wouldn’t it be funny if it was used as toilet paper?”

Later…

I was just sitting here thinking about how great Stacey looked the last time I saw her. I never saw her look so good. Pretty sure she never wore that much makeup before. I might have seen her with mascara before, I’m almost positive I never saw lipstick on her before except for in her medical photo. I can’t help but wonder if she took extra care of making herself up for me. Maybe on some subconscious level, she wanted to really show me what I could never have, even for just a friend.

She should have read my letter by now. I’ve read it myself several times and I wonder if maybe it sounds a little too cold. Oh well. What’s done is done.

I found it a little ironic that I got a missed call which I traced to an individual named Lisa in San Francisco. Funny too, because she has a sister named Lisa in San Francisco. Wrong last name, though, unless she recently married.

I was also remembering how Andy once said that there had been some people he thought would make great roommates until he got to know them a little better and realized that no, they wouldn’t. I can kind of relate. I mean I get what he’s saying. It was easy to think that Stacey would be easy to live with and how she was oh so easy-going and all that, but now I think that she might actually be a bit pushy and judgmental about some things. I totally and honestly believe that Tom is the only man in the United States willing to support his wife. I don’t think anyone else out there could love anyone enough to accept and support my kind of sleep disorder and driving phobia, especially the sleep disorder, since that’s what’s essentially keeping me from working outside of the house. Maybe we really do have guardian angels of sorts, and maybe we’re really not given more than we can handle, because if it weren’t for Tom, what would I have done when they kicked me off the disability over 20 years ago? Now that’s an incredibly scary thought.

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 27, 2016
Yesterday turned out to be a pretty good day, and today is starting off amazingly blissfully calm after sleeping better than I thought I would. Would I have felt this way without the Estroven? Or is the Estroven finally helping? I guess I may not know for a while… unless the anxiety kicks up sometime later on.

The better I feel, the more my appetite picks up. Last night I ate the house down while Netflixing. I’ve already gained back a pound so I’ve got to be careful. Still in training when I can be. Loving the muscle I see, but hating the craters. Again, shitty genetics. I had traces of them even when I was young and very skinny. Despite my flaws, my legs are now looking the best they’ve looked in their 51 years of life. Still have a good 20 pounds or so to lose, and that idea is still a little scary because of how my meds may affect me.

Meanwhile, I made the appointment I shouldn’t have canceled with the shrink, but unfortunately I’m on a waiting list and won’t be able to see her for nearly half a year. I was told that if I can get in sooner than May 25th, they’ll let me know. Why so damn long, though? Is there a shortage of psychiatrists, or are there that many anxious people around?

I updated my PCP about that, canceling Stacey, and starting Estroven. I asked her to let me know if there’s anything else she wants me to do in the meantime.

So now Stacey can sit and wonder why I canceled until tomorrow or the next day when she gets my letter.

Rachel (vigilante) said I should write the letter but not send it. They thought I should tell her directly and that dialogue would be good for us. Well, we had our “dialogue.” It’s just that after our last appointment I had time to reflect on things we discussed during that session, and then I decided to write the letter so that if I worded anything wrong I had a chance to edit it. Now we’re done with each other and it’s time to move on… even after the slightly worrisome dream I had last night.

In the dream, I woke up to tell Tom about a manuscript that the old lady in Texas sent me that I was all excited about, but instead there was some strange guy sitting in the living room. The only words I remember him saying were “police department” and “didn’t you know you were supposed to…”

The dream seemed like it might have taken place in the Phoenix house, and even though I immediately suspected Stacey was behind it, I played dumb all the way.

I didn’t write anything even remotely against the law, and I highly doubt anything up there would allow me to be screwed over by someone in which I knew their location. It’s always been people of authority or with a hold on me or that I didn’t know where they were that have coincidentally been given the privilege of fucking me over.

I’ve also been told that Xanax is addicting and often abused and that I should go with Buspar. They said it was safer and not habit-forming. I guess everybody is different because others say Xanax is helpful and non-addicting. For now, there’s nothing I can really do but hope the Estroven will help, and take a lorazepam as needed.

I agree with Cassie that melatonin likely induced the nightmares I had a couple of nights ago. That and Claritin D have been known to trigger nightmares.

I had another dream where I appeared to be very thin, might have been yelling at my PCP, and wrote in my blog that I needed less sleep than I did 20 years ago. I think there might be a grain of truth to that last one.

Anyway, my only complaint so far today is that I have a sore throat. I almost feel like I have a cold. Now wouldn’t that be just a real ray of fucking sunshine as opposed to anxiety? If it is a cold, my body will likely kill it by the end of the day. Remember, it kills things it’s not supposed to kill.

MONDAY, DECEMBER 26, 2016
Here’s something interesting. I checked Dr. O’s Facebook to see if she may be out of town, since she has family in New York, though she has checked messages from there in the past. She’s listed as having 13 friends, though only 9 are visible to me.

Also, Alyssa’s “add friend” button is visible again. Did she recently make it that way to me to see if I’d try to get her to add me again? Or did she simply finally get around to declining my request, which would make it visible again?

Today has been better than yesterday, but as always, tomorrow may be as shitty as yesterday was. It’s gotten harder to enjoy the good times because I know they won’t last, but I’m still trying my best.

I slept better last night even if it was only for about five hours, and I don’t remember a single dream.

We were going to go treasure hunting at Goodwill, but when we saw how crowded the parking lot was we decided not to bother. Instead, we got gas and then picked up our groceries at Walmart.

Later…

Unwinding from what turned out to be a pretty good day. Started to get a little borderline, but overall I was okay. The big question is how I’ll feel tomorrow. This bipolar life has got to end soon!

I looked up the shrink I stupidly canceled that I was supposed to see before I saw A, and it turns out it’s a woman, not a man. Who the hell names their daughter Sufen? LOL, she’s Asian. I’m hoping that since she graduated college in Maryland in 1995 that she won’t have a fucked up accent that’s hard for me to understand. She’s got two 5-star reviews on Yelp and she’s ugly as hell. That’s all I know right now about her.

Tom and I went for a short walk at which time I put Stacey’s letter in the mailbox. She’ll get it on Wednesday or Thursday. Trying to imagine her reaction when she reads it, not that it matters. She’s going to take it however she’s going to take it and that’s on her, but if I had to guess, she’ll be pretty pissed. People just don’t like being called out on their shit, even if they’re guilty and they know it.

My mattress topper should be here tomorrow, and on Wednesday I’m expecting 72 salty caramel cappuccino K-cups. We also ordered new filters for the air cleaners.

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 25, 2016
Last night was an absolutely hellish night. I was up for about 20 hours. I felt horribly anxious and I slept just as horribly.

Towards the end of my day, I had the full spectrum light on to charge my keyboard and I wonder if that might have been what gave me a hard time falling asleep. Figures it could keep me up but not keep me on a schedule.

I finally took a melatonin at about 11 PM. These are 3 mg. It did nothing for me. As tired as I was I couldn’t fall asleep until around midnight and I kept waking up constantly from horrible dreams.

The worst dream was me walking out of the bedroom and into the living room where Tom was. I seemed to be disoriented. He looked at me with a mixture of concern and disappointment. Next thing I know he’s on the floor throwing up on all fours. Then he was saying that he thought he was having a heart attack.

I said I would call 911 and he said not to do that.

In another dream, I seemed to be totally alone. I guess I didn’t know Tom, and I might have recently gotten out of some jail or hospital. Charlotte and Jim were still alive and I called them. Jim answered and we started talking. He seemed friendly at first and then he asked who I was. Not realizing he didn’t know who I was up front, I told him my name and he said, “You’ve got the wrong number, buddy,” in a very cold tone before he hung up on me.

I then felt totally abandoned.

I got back up at 5:30 and felt just horrible. My weight hit a new low of 145.8. What would normally be exciting has gotten scary. I’m the one that used to have to bust her ass squeezing off 3 pounds a month, and now it’s coming off with little effort. Tom doesn’t think I’ve been eating that much, and while the anxiety has snuffed my appetite a bit, it seems like I still have more calories than I should to lose weight on some days. Maybe even most days.

So I got up and felt anxious, weak, dehydrated and hopeless.

I skipped my thyroid pill and had three chicken wings and a fruit cup. Then I woke Tom up and we talked. I took a lorazepam and fell back asleep until 11:30.

I want to hear from an expert as to whether or not my lower TSH alone could fuel my anxiety, so I messaged Dr. O.

A part of me is tempted to quit my thyroid medication forever because all my problems began after that entered the picture. But I’m still sure perimenopause has a hand in this as well. It’s just that Tom thinks it’s all that, along with Stacey having a big effect on me that basically shattered me by the way she led me to believe we would be friends, while I’m still suspicious of the pills.

The only thing missing from the equation is that my heart hasn’t raced or beat as hard nearly as much as it did the last two times I had problems on this medication. The “mindfuckers” aren’t present either.

But like I told Dr. O, the anxiety that feels more in the chest as opposed to the solar plexus, lack of appetite, weight loss, occasional runs and intermittent lung tightness, makes me wonder.

When Dr. O tried me on 88 mcg, I’m pretty sure I started around September 26th. It was October 29th when things really came to a head. That means that if it is the pills and I keep taking them consistently, I’m going to be in big trouble right after the New Year.

Not knowing for sure what’s causing what or how long it’s going to last is driving me absolutely crazy. It’s scary to think that this could go on for years. I don’t know that I’m strong enough to survive much more of this shit. My dreams alone tell me there’s no sunshine on my immediate horizon.

We canceled our plans to do the floors this weekend because of how shitty I feel. As Tom said, they’ll get done when they get done. The floors are the least of my concerns right now.

Next week I will cancel Stacey and reschedule the shrink. After the new year, I will update A and ask not only if she wants to see me sooner, but also about the Xanax that Tammy recommended. She said it’s not addicting and that it’s helped her tremendously with anxiety.

Stacey’s letter of explanation will eventually be sent as well. I’m doing it more to get things off my chest than because I feel I owe her an explanation. Still not going to report her because I don’t think she meant to do what she did, I can’t prove it anyway, and it’s just my word against hers.

Wonder if she’d be cited for misconduct and inappropriate statements had I secretly videotaped her? Only that’d be illegal and therefore not admissible. I almost feel like I’ve been “Johnsoned.” She kinda kicked me back a rung or two emotionally, but I will survive her. It’s the anxiety I’m not sure I can survive, regardless of what’s causing it.

The Rose Marie Rathbun account is back up.

Uh-oh. Just learned my nieces lost their grandfather. I’m assuming this is the guy in his 90s that was Bill’s dad. Again, sorry for the girls, but not “sorry.” Didn’t know the grandfather, though. Maybe he was a good guy, quite unlike his son.

I feel so bad for the women of Texas. Such a shit state. They cut free birth control from poor women. If they can’t afford birth control, how do they expect them to pay for the kids they didn’t want? And if they put them all up for adoption, who are all these people that are going to adopt them or that would even want to? Kids aren’t the in thing these days. It’s all about careers and making money. Not that I’d ever want to live in a country as fucked as India, but if I did, no one would ever question my lack of job and not driving. Ever.

Seriously, what’s wrong with this world? They’ll give the money they were funding the BC with to some other country.

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 24, 2016
My weight hit a new low of 146.0 yesterday. I’m already able to get around easier and even my joints have been better.

Rather than change Stacey’s positive review on Yelp to a mediocre one, I decided to simply delete it.

I’m getting backed up on things, so I’ll write more on Stacey later.

This is my third day on Estroven. Although it’s too soon to say whether or not it’s helping, I did sleep a little better last night.

I continue to suffer from on-and-off anxiety that is sometimes accompanied by a racing heart. Sometimes my chest feels tight and I go from hot to cold. Also, my muscles sometimes tense up and I tremble.

Decided to take this stable moment I’m having right now to catch up on writing. After hesitating a while, not wanting to put any more drama on Tammy’s shoulders when she has enough of her own, I finally decided to call her yesterday afternoon and she made me feel SO much better. She let me know she’s always there for me and that I can always call, and I really appreciate it. She’s had experience with a lot of the same shit I’m going through and I wanted to ask more about her experience with Estroven. The box said it could take up to a couple of months to feel the effects, Tammy said it was a week for her, but then some women may not benefit at all. I guess everyone’s different. It might be making me drowsy, though I’m not sure. Just in case, I’ll start taking it toward the end of my day when I go to eat for the last time. I do still get fatigued at times regardless.

Sometimes I get anxious and then I get frustrated because I got anxious which makes me depressed to the point of tears. The thought of possibly having to go through this for many more years to come is enough to make me want to scream. It’s like you don’t want to kill yourself but you don’t want to suffer either. Even though it shouldn’t be, I still worry the levothyroxine may be responsible for some of the anxiety, tightness and weight loss, especially since I tend to feel worse during the first part of my day. But I would still think that realistically, I’d be feeling a lot worse if it was the culprit, and more often.

The 22nd really sucked. First my meeting with Stacy didn’t go so well, then I was disappointed to find the new mattress was too firm, and then I went for my stress test.

The stress test was kind of fun and it went well. I was in and out quicker than expected, but hopefully we won’t have to go to this place again. Traffic and parking sucks in this location.

Tom was saying the other day how he misses Cigna, which we had down in Arizona. Everything was in one building, including the pharmacy. I agree. It was much better than having to go to different buildings in different towns.

So… at the cardiology department. Their goal was to bring my HR up to 169, but it just didn’t want to go over 166. Close enough, though. There was a nurse who took my blood pressure along the way, plus the technician.

Just like I was told it would, the treadmill increased in speed and incline at set intervals. I had to take off my shirt and bra and put on a johnny with the opening in front so that they could attach 10 different wires to my chest.

Everything looked good and my blood pressure did exactly what it was supposed to do. It started off normal, then the top number climbed to 30, then to 60, and then back to normal.

We ordered a 3” gel-infused memory foam mattress pad, and I hope it wasn’t a waste of additional money because I swear the new mattress looked fuller and felt plusher the next day. It gets better. We swapped mattresses temporarily, and then I decided to take my old mattress back until the mattress pad arrived, and I swear it’s not tilted anymore, LOL. But it does still sag a bit, and it would still fry my ass in the summer.

Last night I had this strange dream where I sent Doc A letters every now and then. Regular old fashion postal letters. I was talking to her in person and I asked her if she remembered me mentioning a certain thing (I don’t know what), and she smiled and said, “I don’t know. That was two or three letters ago.”

Then I was in “running school.” I was out on a field running with several other people. Then I went and called Tammy to let her know how I was doing there. A family-owned school and the area where the “student” phones were located was close to a couple of vending machines with notices on them saying they were off-limits. They were for the family only.

Then I noticed a leak nearby in some corner by a staircase and wondered if anybody else had noticed it.

Later…

I still haven’t decided if I’m going to see Stacey again (I don’t think so), but after discussing her in-depth with Tom, I feel a lot better at least where she’s concerned. Well, I still have 11 days to decide if I want to see her, see another therapist, or not see anyone at all.

If I cancel, though, I’ll call the main line and not her line. I thought about tipping her off by canceling on her line and letting her know a letter of explanation was on the way, but that would give her a chance to ignore it or let someone else handle it. Plus, she could spite me by saying I never canceled. I doubt she would do that, but I didn’t think she’d lead me on either, again, intentional or not.

I’m either going to bring the letter to her directly, or I’m going to cancel via the main line the day I drop the letter in the mail, then let her sit and wonder why I canceled without rescheduling while it takes a couple of days to reach her.

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 23, 2016
My visit with Stacey was awful, I didn’t get the chance to tell her a lot of what I wanted to tell her, and for the first time ever I left there feeling disappointed, confused, stunned and a little angry. Yeah, that inevitable “change” has finally occurred. It’s like a third personality emerged or something, and she’s the last person I would ever have expected to turn out the way she has. I don’t know if I want to keep our January appt. The trust has been shaken and I’m not sure she can help me any more than she already has since we both agree this is likely physiological. So much so that I finally got desperate enough to try Estroven. I just felt too lousy to care about possible side effects.

Stacey herself recommended black cohosh and evening primrose. She said something about a gynecological procedure (I don’t remember what she called it) she had a decade ago that stopped her periods, but that she has experienced panic attacks and she’s still getting hot flashes at times, even at 58 years of age. Not knowing how many more years of suffering I could be in for, I decided on the Estroven that Tammy said she took after her hysterectomy. This is supposed to help with many symptoms but can take a couple of months to really take effect if it’s going to help.

The pharmacist said it could be taken with levothyroxine, just not at the same time, of course.

Anyway, the Stacey I saw yesterday is definitely not the Stacey I saw last summer. I totally see her in a different light now, and I wonder if the Stacey I looked up to and admired really is who I thought she was. Maybe she has some issues of her own?

I noticed as soon as she led me to her office that she seemed different. Her tone of voice. Her mannerisms. Even her office was different.

I asked if she noticed the difference in my weight loss and she shook her head no and she shut the door.

The feeling deepened.

Nonetheless, I took a seat in my usual place, and this time she sat at her desk and occasionally took notes. This was a good thing too, because one of my lesser complaints is her not remembering half the shit I tell her. I get that she has a lot of patients and can’t remember everything everyone tells her, but it’s still frustrating having to repeat myself so much. I almost feel like I’m dealing with Andy all over again.

I told her that I was both disappointed and excited to see her, and I admitted that I developed a crush of sorts on her.

“Well, you kind of told me,” she said.

She looked the best I’d ever seen her look. I usually prefer straight hair to curly hair. She usually straightens her hair, but this time it was both longer and curly and looked fabulous. She had more makeup on than usual which hid some of her plainness. Between this and that great body, she looked fantastic. She usually dresses in black or blue. This time it was blue, and when I told her she told me her favorite color was blue in a dream, she did admit that blue was a color she’d been liking lately.

I asked her if I had shown up in any of her dreams, and she said she didn’t remember her dreams. This is inconsistent with her telling me that she’s had dream premonitions. Maybe she just has dream premonitions occasionally?

She told me that my crush didn’t bother her but that she was concerned for me because she didn’t know if it would make working with her easier or harder. As I told her, it shouldn’t make any difference. If someone can help me and be beneficial to me in any way, then it doesn’t matter what they look like.

Then I asked her if she ever would have called me if I hadn’t called her, and she said no because it wasn’t something they (therapists) did. This confirmed my feeling that something was up. Something had changed.

“Can I ask you something?” I said.

She nodded.

“The last time I saw you you seemed happy when I gave you my contact info (I left out the part about where she said she didn’t want me to get the wrong idea when she told me she didn’t read my blog because that’s just not something she did, but it will be in the letter I plan to either give or send her). Why?”

She appeared caught off guard at first and a little put on the spot as she searched her mind for an answer. A few seconds later she said something to the effect of, “Well, I thought it through. I just thought it was nice of you to share. It was done in a way where I didn’t feel spied on or followed.”

This answer makes no sense. Why would you feel “spied” on or “followed” because somebody gives you their contact info? I wonder if she has some way of knowing I’ve looked in on her, though I don’t see how. I did admit that I was curious enough to Google her, as people do all the time with whoever, and that I did know a lot about her.

“It’s pretty easy to do these days,” she said in a tone that suggested I wasn’t smarter than anyone else by coming up with that idea or any magical info that others couldn’t find if they really wanted to.

Then she said something about how the last time I left I gave her every impression that that would be it and she only called me because I asked her to, which is true, and I appreciate it. What I don’t appreciate is the sudden change in her, but I still swear by what I saw. She gave me every indication that she liked me just as much as I liked her. The body language was there, the things she said, the way she said them, etc. I couldn’t be that bad at reading people all of a sudden.

It’s like there are three Staceys. There’s the first one who was quiet, easygoing and professional. There’s the second one that was bordering on flirtatious, or at least suggesting that my fondness for her was welcome and mutual. And then there’s this third one… distant, cold, telling me I’m never going to get the “outcome” I want.

But that’s just the thing. I never had any expected plan or outcome, though I did have hopes. I didn’t really think we would be lovers or friends, but I had hoped for at least some ongoing phone or digital communication either between appointments or after I finally managed to pull my ass out of Anxiety Land for more than five minutes. She gave me every indication to think that that’s what would have happened by her reaction when I gave her my contact info. That we would keep in touch.

I’m 51 years old and I still don’t know better. Yes, I blame myself just as much as I blame her for the mixed signals. I really would have appreciated it if she had just told me she couldn’t call me when I gave her my contact info. Would that really have been so hard? This is why I hesitate to have friends.

Maybe she really did feel something (I still stand by what I saw/heard), but then it scared her once she realized things could end up going too far, at least in her mind.

All I know is that her behavior is weird and I think it borders on inappropriate. On the flip side, I still think she’s a fantastic counselor. I think the EMDR has prevented me from having additional panic attacks, and sometimes the tapping still helps, too.

She got a kick out of how well-worded my description was of my old life versus this life where I wondered how my life got so bad when I was poor, and how I now wonder how it got so bad without being bad.

She asked if I thought I ended my sessions too soon, if I thought the past poverty was haunting me or my childhood, and I honestly don’t know, though I doubt it. I told her I did have a strange memory that could really be just a dream that I’m remembering, and asked if she worked on memory recall and how you could know if the memory was real or not. She said something like, “You don’t always know, but I’m pretty intuitive.”

She told me she thinks I had a horrible mother but that my problem is mostly physiological, and I asked her if she thought there could be anything else going on. She said she doesn’t know.

My guess is that there probably isn’t.

What else… her sister’s also going through menopause, being home alone so much can’t be good for me, Florida might be good for me, traveling might be good for me, etc.

I’ve got to learn from now on that no matter how obvious someone’s attraction/fondness for me appears, it doesn’t actually mean anything and I need to just ignore it. Why have I gotten this kind of shit from women for so long? Act like they like me and want to keep in touch, then become a totally different person to the point that you would never guess that they acted that way. If you don’t want to keep in touch with someone then why act like you do?

Our meeting might explain the plane crash I survived in my dreams the night before. We took off somewhere, then all of a sudden things got oddly quiet and we crashed into a shallow body of water. No one was hurt and I didn’t even seem all that scared.

In other words, she’ll let me down but I’ll survive?

I also swear I had another negative dream about her right before I saw her, but I’m not sure what it was about.

I came home depressed and tired and unsure if I should bother seeing her again. I have an appointment scheduled for January 4th. I have drafted a letter containing my thoughts to her, which as I told her, I chose to write so that I can edit it in a way I think is most understandable. I went over and over in my mind whether or not I should cancel the appointment and how to get the letter to her. I asked Tom if I should continue seeing her and he said if I thought I needed to talk to a therapist, I should see her.

Well, I don’t see the need to report her, but I do think some of her behavior wasn’t appropriate. So I decided to leave it to fate. If I can make the appointment I’ll hand her the letter, ask that she read it afterward (it’s over 1550 words) and then be the one to decide whether or not we should continue. If I have to cancel the appointment I’ll mail it to her at work. I’m 90% sure she’ll drop me either way, though.

The question I’ve asked myself after reading the draft several times is… could this letter get me into any kind of trouble?

I honestly don’t see how it could.

Also, could she have the power to spite me if it angers her in any way? I realized that anyone can change, no one is necessarily who we think they are, and anyone is capable of just about anything. I don’t think it would, but if it did piss her off, she could cry suicide on my behalf. She could call the police saying I threatened to kill myself over the phone or something and there would be no way to prove otherwise until phone records could be checked and verified. Hopefully, she would be smart enough to think it through and realize that even if she was initially believed, a lie like that could be proven eventually. God fucking help her if she ever did anything like that, but I think she’ll just read the letter, file it away, and end our sessions.

Since we were on the subject just yesterday, I checked out her house again. It’s big and nicer than I realized at first, and I think it’s a two-car garage, not a one.

Here’s one of those rare cases I feel jealousy kicking in as I did with Alyssa. Stacey’s life may not be perfect and she may not always feel great, but she seems to be a very capable person who has it all. Beautiful home, a husband who can obviously perform since they’ve got a kid, the right to choose if she wanted that kid in the first place, the ability to drive, keep a schedule, and have a great paying career. On top of that, she looks great for her age, though maybe a bit frail.

I really wonder if she hasn’t read my blogs like she said she hasn’t. It just seems like it would be so hard to resist the curiosity, especially now that she knows I like her, but I would be even more surprised if she hasn’t checked my Facebook profile.

Also, I noticed the sudden jump in Florida and Texas visitors. She has family in both states. But they don’t appear to have gone to Blogger, though. Just Prosebox. I don’t think my Prosebox account could be found that easily unless you’re really good at finding people’s accounts.

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 22, 2016
Seeing Stacey in 7.5 hours. Exciting! I just wish I’d slept longer because I’ll be up for something like 14 hours by the time I hit the treadmill in Doc O’s building.

My new mattress came and I guess we’ll set that up either between appointments or before Stacey.

I can’t help but wonder… is she as excited to see me as I am excited to see her?

I’m just tired of suffering. My anxiety was low yesterday, but I had crying spells and my lungs were quite tight at times. So much so that I had pain in my upper back. Once again I started worrying about my medication, but upon reading through last year’s journal, I found that I had a TSH of 8.34 and said I was feeling great.

Didn’t have great dreams last night, though. We were on a plane when all of a sudden things got oddly quiet. Fortunately, we had just taken off and were able to land without injury and a shallow body of water. I wasn’t as scared as you would think I would be.

Then there was something about having to cut a vacation somewhere short. I don’t know why we had to end it but I was a little bummed out because it seemed to be fun.

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 21, 2016
I don’t know how long it will last, but today I feel the best I’ve felt in days. I’m wondering if it’s because this kick-ass period is finally winding down or because Stacey is now just 26 hours away. Probably a little of both. More like 25 hours away, actually. So disappointed and so excited! LOL

I know she was in my dreams last night, but I don’t remember what it was about.

I’m still having a little trouble focusing, but I’m doing my best to keep up with things. Once the sun comes up a little more I’ll do some cleaning. Maybe I’ll get back to my editing projects, and go for a walk. Of course tomorrow I’ll be doing plenty of walking during the stress test.

A bag of mandarins was left by the back door and we’re guessing that it’s from the park since they appear to be store-bought and there was no card included.

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 20, 2016
For the first time in years, I laid in bed yesterday morning with my phone nearby actually praying to God or anything that might listen for Stacey to please, please hurry up and call. My anxiety wasn’t the worst in that my heart wasn’t racing, but I still felt anxious enough. I remembered that the last time she called me to reschedule an appointment was around 9:30. I was hoping she’d check her messages as soon as she got to her office at 8:00, and call me before her first appointment of the day which I think starts at 8:30.

By 9:15 I was worried she might be on vacation but had forgotten to update her outgoing message, even though this seemed unlikely. And then… my ringtone was literally like music to my ears. I was so relieved she called!

She started off with something like, “Hi Jodi, this is Stacey A call—”

“Oh, thank God!” I cut her off with, and she laughed. So we spoke for a while and that alone made me feel SO much better. Although it’s with mixed emotions, I’ll be seeing her in just 2 days. I’m amazed she got me in THAT fast, but seriously appreciative. My anxiety has been like a regular little yo-yo and it’s getting old.

Part of me wishes I had our conversation recorded so I could replay it to see if I still perceive her tone of voice the same as I remember it to be. Did she really sound “unchanged?” Did she really seem happy to hear from me?

It’s just that I can’t help but remember that counselor from back east – Debbie, I think her name was – who gave me mixed signals before she dumped me. She and Stacey may be two different people, but I hope she doesn’t change, so to speak. I just have to be careful what I say and how often. I don’t want to make her uncomfortable.

When I first started with, “Oh, thank God,” I didn’t expect her to laugh. I thought she would have that lower-pitched, professional voice she started off with and kind of give an “oh,” of sorts that almost sounds like a grunt or a snort, then ask what was up.

My quick chat with Stacey got me feeling so much better that I was so wound up that I was unable to sleep, so I took lorazepam so I wouldn’t lay there forever. I feel better but still not good. I’m also still mostly sure that it’s the perimenopause and not my medication, but there’s still a tiny part of me that worries and it is, or that I somehow developed a freak anxiety disorder that I’m stuck with for life. Although I haven’t had the kind of mindfuckers the higher dosage gave me, I am having tightness on and off, which can also be a symptom of perimenopause. Again, it’s hard to distinguish when different things mimic the same symptoms. I turn the big air cleaner up which I sometimes forget to do. It’s just been way too cold to air the place out.

She was so funny because she kinda spoke in a way that sounded both goofy and cheery yet she wasn’t without empathy and understanding for what I was going through. If making the appointment can make me feel so much better, imagine how much better the actual appointment will make me feel. And yeah, I’m going to ask if she can keep me on as a regular for a while. I can’t even keep my ass out of Anxiety Land for a year.

The rest of the conversation went something like this:

Me: I was doing so well for so long.

Her: Oh, great.

Me: The plan was to call you in a couple of months, but first my sister had a heart attack.

Her: Oh, vey.

Me: She did survive and they put stents in her arteries, but the whole thing is scary. They’re going to do a stress test on me, and even though I think I’m still heart-healthy, I worry about this.

Her: Ayayay.

Me: One of my rats died…

Her: Aw.

Me: Things were going so well. I went vegan and lost a noticeable amount of weight.

Her: Wow!

Me: But then my anxiety came back and just when I thought I signed out of Bleederville for good after 3.5 months without a period, I get slammed full force with one. I asked a cyber friend who’s been through it if the anxiety can take a few months off and then return, and she said it could.

Her: Yeah, it can.

Me: Sometimes I even end up crying over nothing and everything. Tom suggested I call you a few days ago, and I wanted to but was afraid you would be disappointed in me.

Her: Oh no, anybody’s anxiety can return.

(Even though perhaps I shouldn’t, I still feel like a wimp. I’m just surprised and disappointed with this setback)

Her: Would you like to come in this week?

Me: Definitely. I could hug you for that.

Her: (a laugh?)

Me: I’ve missed you and I’ve thought of you every day, but this is not what I wanted. Despite the mixed emotions, I look forward to seeing you.

The only thing that struck me as odd was that she asked for my DOB. Again, if she likes me, wouldn’t she be curious to know this and have looked it up a long time ago?

Shortly after I hung up with Stacey, her secretary called to bump me up to 9:30, saying she would be out of the office at 8:30, which was when she scheduled me. 9:30 will be fine. It still gives us time between my stress test, which will be at 2:30.

Why did she schedule me at 8:30 if she knew she would be out of the office, and how come it wasn’t her who called back to reschedule?

I slept 9.5 hours and surprisingly I’m still a little out of it today. Maybe that’s because I’m still bleeding like a faucet. I’m also having a horrible time focusing. Concentration is usually a challenge for me because of my ADD, but it seems worse. My mind is racing like crazy. I’m excited to see Stacey, but I’m worried for myself.

Later…

Had to stop writing because I started feeling shitty. My lungs became tight, I was going from hot to cold, anxious, trembling, weak, and then I had a crying fit, prayed to God for whatever it was worth, and then all of a sudden I was fine. At this moment – in this very moment that I write these words – I actually feel normal. Tired but normal. I know it won’t last long, and I doubt prayer had anything to do with it, but I have noticed a pattern. I seem to feel best toward the end of my day. So what am I going to do from now on… suffer the first 10-12 hours of my day before I get a few hours of relief?

How I still wish I could wind back the hands of time to before this ever started and before I had any idea it was possible to even feel this way! How I wish I had more straightforward problems if I had to have them! Earaches… toothaches… colds… all so simple compared to this. There’s no mystery involved with those things, and you can usually see an end in sight.

I was reading back on past problems from years ago that seemed like the end of the world at the time. Yet I hadn’t seen anything yet. The real suffering had yet to begin.

I turned the large air cleaner up in the living room, hoping it would help my lungs. I can’t believe it could be that effective this fast, but I really should leave it on high more often. It’s just that I like to enjoy the peace of the night when I’m on nights.

In last night’s dream, I was in some house somewhere and it seemed like my MIL and SIL might have been there. They appeared to be upset with me and were giving me the cold shoulder. I couldn’t figure out why.

I went into a bedroom and started making a bed that was mine with floral sheets. Then I proceeded to head into the bathroom.

“Someone’s in here,” my MIL said, and I quickly backed out of the room.

MONDAY, DECEMBER 19, 2016
My anxiety is bad again after having a great ending to my day yesterday. I don’t even know how long I can stand to sit upright and make this entry. I may have to do it in spurts.

I was anxious for the first half of my day yesterday but in the last half, I actually felt great. We got the hell out and went to Walgreens for starters where I got a rainbow beanie baby, pink nail polish, candy, incense, and lavender bath bombs.

Then at Walmart, I got hair dye, soda, scented wax cubes, treats, and a wooden burrow for the rats.

I slept better, but not quite as long as I would have liked, and I’ve been tired and anxious all night. The only thing I had that made me feel better was a few chicken wings. So much for going vegan. Maybe I shouldn’t have waited 12 hours into my day to have it, so tomorrow I will “chicken out” sooner, even though I would still prefer to avoid meat. I didn’t want to take a lorazepam and fall asleep sooner than I wanted to, so that’s why I opted for the chicken. I also wanted to do some cleaning without stumbling around as if I were drunk. Lastly, I need to start staying up later for the stress test.

Most of all, I really, really need to get in to see Stacey, and I really, really hope I hear from her this morning and that she’s not on vacation, even though she didn’t mention being out of the office on her outgoing message.

Tom is sure that this is perimenopause and I’m almost sure it is too, but again, I wish I could know for sure and also know how long this shit is going to torture me. It really is getting to be too much. I’m getting to the point once again where I’m afraid to get out of bed each day. I’m having trouble focusing on things and it just really sucks. When we were broke I wondered how my life got so bad. Now I wonder how my life got so bad without actually being bad. I feel totally hated from above and like I’m destined to suffer no matter what.

I finally got a full flow and I thought that would help make me feel better, and I am a little better, but I’m still far from calm. Getting another period is really disappointing. I really thought both the anxiety and the periods were over. Maybe the fatigue and dizziness will return but I’ll take that over anxiety any day.

I’ve also been experiencing some depression where I just lay in bed and have crying spells. I keep asking myself, is perimenopause supposed to make a woman this emotional???

I did manage to do a few things. I took my Italian lesson, I did some cleaning, and I also did 20 minutes of cardio and 15 minutes of strength training.

But editing my last story, beginning another story, and working on my monthly bio have been badly neglected. I just feel like lying around in bed so much of the time. It’s like I fear that if I move more it will aggravate my anxiety in the way movement aggravates my cramps.

I thought of calling Tammy, but she has her own problems and I’m not sure she would be all that supportive. We’re closer but not “close.” Kim is continuing to blow me off, too. I asked her a couple of days ago some questions about perimenopause and she’s completely ignoring me, so fine. Maybe Stacey will call me, like I said.

I just hope that if I do talk to her or meet with her she doesn’t appear “changed.” I’ve noticed this with some people who seem to really like you and care about you, and then suddenly they don’t. I mean I know she likes me. I just wonder if she’ll drop as many hints about it next time and still seem as flattered by any compliments I may give her, though right now my most important goal is trying to get this anxiety under wraps once again, and hopefully not just for a few months. I can’t even go a year for fuck’s sake! So yeah, I hope she’s as warm as she was before, but my emotions are what matters most and not what she’s thinking or feeling.

The only other thing I’m going to say for now is that the house on the opposite corner where that obnoxious contractor lived has sold. Hoping they don’t do the same thing, but you know what? I wish to hell noisy neighbors were my worst of problems right now.

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 17, 2016
Sometimes it doesn’t seem very fair that I ask some people on a regular basis how they feel, yet they don’t ask me how I feel. Like Tammy, for example. Nor do I get a “hope you feel better soon” when they know I’ve been having a rough patch as I often give them when they fall into a snit.

shrugs I guess I’m just me and they’re just them, right?

Speaking of people, I did some self-analyzing and I realize that I still need to be a little more unforgiving than I tend to be for the sake of looking out for my ass. No, I wouldn’t forgive Maliheh or Andy, and I probably wouldn’t forgive Nane, but sadly, I may still be tempted to forgive Alison if she reached out to me, so this is something I feel I still need to work on. Being friends with her again would mean not being able to trust everything she told me, and eventually getting dumped again unless I took the honors first for some reason.

The only thing I’m good at (at least in my own personal opinion) is that I treat everybody the same. Meaning that if you abused me or you abandoned me, I’m still not going to forgive you for it even if you may be related to me. I figure people are still people whether we’re related or not and there’s never any excuse for certain behavior. My mother giving birth to me was never any excuse or ticket to be allowed to abuse me or to be worthy of forgiveness, and just because my father got my mother pregnant, I don’t see where he deserves forgiveness for sitting back and allowing her to do what she did. As for those estranged family members that chose to out themselves from my life… YOU chose that and that’s the way it stays. :-) I think more people should learn that once we make major decisions like that we can’t just change back and forth like we can with clothes.

So what I’m saying is… if someone dumps me or if I feel they’re toxic enough to dump them, related to me or not, that’s the way it should stay. I really hope, however, that anyone who is currently in my life will stay in it forever. I know nothing’s ever guaranteed, but I’d like that. :-) I’m getting too old to squabble over stupid petty shit with anyone. I just want peace. :-)

I know that different people have different beliefs and opinions when it comes to what/who’s forgivable and what/who’s not. Some people will forgive someone for beating the shit out of them simply because they’re family while they would never forgive a friend who said something mean to them in the heat of the moment. Do I personally think this is twisted? Yes, I do. But we all have the right to do what’s best for us.

I have more to write about, but right now I want to go soak in the tub and get some food in my surprisingly near-flat tummy. Will do another entry later.

Later…

Determined to finally get caught up with my writing, and write for me. Me first, online censorship second.

I felt better when Tom got up for work yesterday, and the rest of my day was fine. I would have slept better too, if it weren’t for the nightmare I had, but I’ll get to that later.

A couple of hours after getting up I had feelings of anxiety in my chest rather than the upper gut, and I’m starting to go beyond spotting, too. I am still hoping that I’m at the beginning of the end of the perimenopause. Based on what’s gone on over the last few years, and what I read and heard from other people, I should be. I am hoping that once my body gives up on trying to create real periods the anxiety that has been coming and going will back off for good.

There is still a possibility it could be heart/medication-related, but I hope not! I don’t think it is, but it sure would be nice to know instead of just think. The only times we were sure it was the med were July of 2014 and October of 2015 due to pocket flares and increased dosage.

For now, all I can do is enjoy whatever moments of serenity I can get. The lorazepam may make me feel calmer, but it renders me pretty useless because I get so drowsy that all I want to do is lie in bed. So anxiety medication really isn’t an option for me. The short-lasting ones make me tired and SSRI drugs have side effects. I just wish I were tougher and better at suffering when the anxiety really bites! I’m doing all I can to help myself, but it doesn’t always seem like enough. I’m just thankful that Stacey’s EMDR has helped make things a little less scary for me.

At the moment I feel okay, like I said. Just a little tired. I don’t think I’m going to sleep much better until the new bed arrives and that’s still about a week away. Since Tom will be home (this is his only day off this week, unfortunately) I’m going to try to skip the lorazepam today if I feel anxious again later so that I’m not drowsy. I want to be able to do things. We’re going to be going out shopping real early in the morning. Just fun shopping that we do once a month or so, and nothing major.

I don’t remember who it was, but some celebrity who had a baby said she swore she would not let herself get depressed afterward, but she did anyway, that’s how powerful our hormones are. They control us and not the other way around as much as it would be nice if that were the way it could be. So yeah, positive thinking is great, but it doesn’t always cut it. I ended up bawling my eyes out for a good hour or so last night before Tom got up, and I found my thoughts turning dark. If only – if only I could know how much longer this anxiety will go on. If I knew our hunch was right and that it was the perimenopause and that it would end within a year or so, I could handle that. But if I knew it would go on for 5-10 years or maybe even the rest of my life, I would probably end it all. This is too much to manage for that long, especially since medication isn’t really an option. Even Stacey didn’t seem to think highly of anxiety medication, especially since you can still have symptoms with the medication.

When it started back up again, I knew it wouldn’t be just for a few days. Nothing is ever that short and sweet for me. I just never get off that easy. This will probably go on until at least March. And all my problems as a whole do last for years and are long-term. Well, it’s been 2.5 years already. Enough is enough.

Then what? Back to poverty? People trying to seek legal revenge for some reason? Almost anything would be better than this shit!

Here’s something weird. I came across a Rose Marie Rathbun on Facebook who’s from Texas and living in Arizona. When I first glanced at her face I thought I detected a hint of familiarity, but the eye color wasn’t the deep brown I remember it to be. This person also had gray hair and was listed as a social worker. Somehow I doubt Rosemarie, as briefly as I knew her, would let her hair go gray. I also can’t imagine the insensitive judgmental bitch as a social worker.

Nonetheless, I asked her if she lived in the Vista Ventana Apartments in 1992 and had a boyfriend named Rick. She said she didn’t and then I thanked her before she blocked me.

Now why in the world would she block me for asking if she was a certain person from a certain place? My only guess is that it could be for downloading a couple of her really beautiful desert pictures, but I don’t think anyone can know that. They know if we share their pictures, but not if we download them. I just wonder if she really does have something to hide or if she’s paranoid and maybe thinks I’m someone else, but either way, it is a bit strange. Unless she’s wearing contacts and decided to become a whole different person, I doubt it’s her.

Hmmm… Maybe her disappearance has nothing to do with me because I couldn’t even access her profile from Tom’s account. Unless the real Rosemarie read my journal, looked up Tom and blocked him, it’s not her. She never knew my last name any more than I knew hers. I’d say she deactivated the account.

A few days ago Aly tweeted: Lost a friend not worth fighting for but gained respect for a few people along the way. Also, she’s glad she stayed calm last night and has to remember that she controls her anger and not the other way around.

This is no surprise at all, though I would really love it if Kim dumped her ass. That would be the real karma for her. Between Aly’s lies and clinginess, she’ll just keep dumping people and they’ll keep dumping her. Kim is simply too crazy to let Aly go, and Aly hangs onto her because Kim doesn’t dare tell her what she doesn’t want to hear.

I can still smell my cucumber melon bath bomb. I usually don’t smell them after I get out of the tub.

So I had a dream I overheard Alyssa tell someone that she had a CD for sale on Amazon (of her singing?), and then in another dream, I realized I had been single for quite some time and didn’t want to change that.

Then I had a long, detailed, scary dream where I seemed to live in some other neighborhood somewhere. I was outdoors and in the area but not by our house. I’m not sure what I was doing, but a dark-haired woman in her late 30s was standing nearby.

I said hello and she returned the greeting. I told her I’d seen her around and asked her name. She told me it was India.

Then she told me she was running from her abusive husband, and that when he found her at her mother’s place, he broke in and ransacked the place.

A split second later we were talking inside our house. This made me a little uncomfortable. I felt bad for the woman, but I didn’t want her stalker to be watching her and then to become a target myself because I let her inside. She was giving me the impression that he would go after anybody who paid any attention to her.

Sure enough, I heard these strange sounds a short while later. The woman disappeared into thin air as I ran to the front door and noticed that the knob and lock were both gone. There weren’t even any holes where they had been. The door was now just one solid panel of wood with no way to open it.

I ran to the back door and found the same thing and wondered how the hell the guy managed to pull all that off without me hearing it.

Next, I ran in search of my phone but couldn’t find it. In reality, our house has a front and back door, but in the dream, there was a third door that was standing partially open. It was dark now and I was surprised to find an inch of snow on the ground. Too pissed to stay scared or try to figure out why there was snow on the ground, I burst into the night hell-bent on finding and ripping the guy to shreds. I screamed for the guy to come face me as I ran toward next door, which my dream self still identified as being Bob and Virginia. The dream ended with me still furiously demanding that he show himself, bare feet not feeling the coldness of the snow.

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 16, 2016
I have been through sheer hell. My hormones are going crazy. My body is trying to kick off another period, but can’t quite pull it off. From what I’ve read and been told I should be pretty much done with the period part of things by age 52 or sooner in my case. It’s the anxiety that’s killing me. The hot flashes suck too, but those are more annoying and uncomfortable. The anxiety can get to be both scary and depressing. Even when my heart isn’t racing I can still feel anxious. It’s horrible. I don’t understand why I did so well for so long and now it’s returned, but I am told that’s normal. I wonder if the dizziness and fatigue are going to return as well. Anything’s better than anxiety, but if I’m tired again lately it’s because I have been sleeping poorly or I sometimes have to take lorazepam.

The night before last I slept okay, but last night was horrible. I woke up on fire, heart-pounding fiercely. With the covers, I was too warm and without them, I was too cold, and back and forth and back and forth. It’s a never-ending cycle of hell all over again with no possible end in sight.

My first guess is the perimenopause, my second guess is my medication, and my last guess would be something wrong with my heart. Assuming isn’t the same as knowing, and it gets so fucking frustrating because I don’t understand why they don’t have tests that can identify this for sure is being perimenopause, as obvious as my symptoms are. I will know all I need to know about my heart on the 22nd, so that leaves the medication. The numbers say no way, but some of the symptoms are the same as when I went thyrotoxic. That’s what sucks about some things when the timing is shitty and things are occurring at the same time that can mimic similar symptoms. HR isn’t elevated enough and consistently enough for the meds to be at play, so Tom and I both suspect the peri.

I had slight heartburn and queasiness for reasons I don’t know before I fell asleep. When I woke up overheated and with a racing heart, I had the runs and felt short of breath.

Although I wasn’t panicking, I called Tom at work because I knew it would help to hear his voice. Once again I’m alone so much of the time and that doesn’t help. One can still suffer no matter who is or isn’t around, but it’s always a little more comforting to do it with your loved ones around. I’m not like I was 20 years ago. I can’t be left alone for such long periods of time anymore.

I try to focus on doing things and keeping busy to distract my mind from my worries, but that’s pretty hard to do when you feel so shitty that that in itself is distracting you from concentrating on anything. Sometimes all I want to do is lie in bed; another thing I read is common and that can sometimes be mistaken for depression. I’m in a depressing situation, all right, but I’m not “depressed.” Just going through the worst perimenopause ever and hoping my meds and heart aren’t also a factor.

I want to sleep until it’s over but there’s no escape in sleep when all I do is keep waking up feeling like I’m on fire and my heart’s about to jump out of my chest.

When I got up at one point to use the bathroom, I was surprised that there was no callback from Stacey… and then I remembered… duh! She’s at her private practice on Fridays, so she won’t pick up my message until Monday morning.

Sometimes I miss some aspects of my old life, but not the old life itself. When I was younger I tended to live more in the moment, and when I did worry about the future it was more about what I would do while I still had plenty of time left to live. Not that I don’t still have plenty of time left to live (unless this shit finally kills me), but I worry more about the end… growing old, suffering, death and dying, etc.

I would like to publish this now along with finishing the laundry, and doing the things I usually do during my day that I’ve either neglected or not done enough of but because the lorazepam has left me drowsy I’ll publish it later.

I told Tom about Stacey and he didn’t say anything about it. He didn’t seem worried or surprised. Stacey’s harmless, so I suppose that telling him that she’s attracted to me isn’t much different than telling him I’d like a drink of orange juice. He trusts me and he knows that he’s my number one no matter what. Not that I expect to do so, but I could hug her, I could hold her hand, I could kiss her, I could snuggle up with her and chat… but nothing she could ever say or do would get me to leave Tom, not that I could imagine her ever trying to.

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 15, 2016
So where two days ago was bad, I would describe yesterday as semi-bad, and today much better. I even slept better and didn’t wake up with a racing heart. Between the end of my day yesterday and now I have felt okay, though I’m starting to feel a little off.

My boobs are also a little sore and I have slight cramps.

Christine confirmed that the perimenopause symptoms aren’t consistent, which is what I’m now guessing this is since the symptoms aren’t as extreme as when I had high thyroid, and I’m not experiencing a couple of the symptoms I had then. Plus, there are my numbers to consider, and I really shouldn’t have any problems on this dose at this point. Hot flashes, racing heart, butterflies in the stomach… that’s what I’m experiencing for the most part.

Things really have shitty timing in life. Because I saw that my TSH was lower right after my stomach went on the fritz and my heart started racing a bit, I thought it was the meds. It still could be, but it seems unlikely at this point. Especially since you really don’t get any days off when you go thyrotoxic. The symptoms are much more extreme, relentless, plentiful and downright severe. Being high on thyroid will “mindfuck” you as well as affect you physically. Where you can get grumpy and maybe a bit depressed going through perimenopause, having too much thyroid makes you feel fearful. Because I’m not having that or any lung tightness, I gotta go with perimenopause. I’m just tired of never having any sure, concrete answers! To assume isn’t the same as knowing, and this is just fucking ridiculous. I don’t know if I’m going to be tortured at random on and off all my life or not. If it’s perimenopause, then I could have another 7.5 years of intermittent torture. Do you know how bad that makes me want to scream?

It’s such a huge disappointment after doing so well for so long. No wonder I was feeling like things were too good to be true.

My doctor is on vacation until after the New Year and her nurse, Zaradhe, is answering her messages. Zaradhe told me that after my stress test, they might consider ordering me a heart rhythm monitor that you wear and press every time you have symptoms. My guess is that I’m still heart-healthy, but this might be a good thing to look into.

Every time I get excited about not having to have any appointments for a few months, things come up and more are added. Like something up there wants to keep the appointments going. I now need to follow up two weeks after the echocardiogram with Dr. A to discuss the results and the heart monitor, plus I might be seeing Stacey, something I have mixed emotions about for reasons I’ve already mentioned.

I left Stacey a message at 4:15, but I never heard back from her, even though she didn’t mention being out of the office in her outgoing message. It was definitely her low-pitched, soothing, sexy, almost husky voice I heard, and that voice definitely didn’t say her hours had changed.

So yeah, mixed emotions. So much for my Valentine’s call, though life is never what we plan it to be. I would rather see her under happier circumstances, but it’s nice to know she’s there for me when I need her.

I’m still not sure whether I would prefer to see her just at her office or anywhere else. I’d love to be her friend and for her to be mine, but I have my hesitations about that. I just wish I knew what she was open to. I think that would help influence my decision, though to be honest, I’m open to pretty much anything. Even though I would miss her, I would be okay with it if I knew I would never see her again. At the same time, I like the idea of seeing her (wherever) every few months or so because she seems to really help keep me going. Not that Tom doesn’t do a fine job on his own of that, but she lends an extra hand that really enhances that, if that makes any sense.

Although this may be a silly thing to think and I know she wouldn’t judge me for it, just like Tom said she wouldn’t, I worry about her being disappointed in me for having this setback. I think psychologically if I knew I had an appointment with her to look forward to every few months or so, it might help even more. I really do enjoy our chats, attracted to her or not.

They had a Christmas party at work. They actually rented time at a place called Dave and Buster’s where they have a lot of cool games. They gave him a gift card we can both use some time, plus a restaurant gift card and a movie theater gift card. We haven’t gone to the movies in years and I can’t believe anyone still does.

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 14, 2016
Sadly, after doing so well for so long, the anxiety returned last night with a vengeance right after I made my last entry. Every time I think the nightmare is over, it eventually returns. I never would have expected this at this point on this dose.

Throughout most of the evening, my anxiety was borderline where the “butterflies” threatened to let loose in my chest. Just minutes after midnight I got really warm, my mouth went dry, I felt faint feelings of suffocation, I felt the urge to take a dump even though I didn’t just yet, my face felt flushed and tingly, my heart started racing into the triple digits, and then I started shaking like an epileptic. I went from hot to cold and back-and-forth. It took me about 20 minutes to get my heart down into the double digits, and about 40 minutes just to feel some semblance of calm.

Then I got hit with another attack and woke Tom up an hour early. So much for Stacey’s EMDR therapy, though it could’ve been a lot scarier than it was.

Yes, I did take a lorazepam.

All I could think was that my TSH got too low, and I didn’t understand how the doctor could say my thyroid was “better” if my T4 was down. Tom had to remind me that the TSH only measures how loud the pituitary gland is ordering it to do its job. It’s better in that the pit gland is now saying, “Okay, she’s still a little low on thyroid, but I accept that and I’m getting used to it.”

So both glands are making peace with each other. The T4 being down could explain the hair loss and dry skin, though that’s the least of my worries. Untreated my T4 was 0.9 and my TSH was 34. My anxiety was at its absolute worst when my T4 was around 1.4. Lately, it’s down to 1.1 from 1.2, but my TSH is also down. Tom insists that the T4 is the REAL thyroid number that matters and that he’s always heard that you can have anxiety even when your life is fine and even when you least expect it. Well, there’s definitely nothing wrong in my life right now, but this actually started slowly coming on about 5 days ago. It just didn’t come to a head until last night.

Either way, this ONLY happens on the drug. It was only AFTER I started levothyroxine that I began to have these attacks. Could perimenopause be more at play than I realize? Also, could perimenopause symptoms come and go like that? I asked Christine, who had bad anxiety before she was confirmed to be menopausal, if it was consistent or if it took breaks here and there. She’s probably in bed now, though.

I haven’t been lightheaded but everything has been worse this last week. I can’t say it was just stress over the appointment since the appointment’s over. I’m waking up more often and sometimes it’s with a racy heart. I’m just not as tired right now because I slept forever. I may have woken up a million times along the way, but I slept a whopping 10 hours or so.

Dr. A told me it’s a medical disorder causing this, but why would I develop this so late in life? I never had anxiety to this degree until two years ago, so why now, and is it going to torture me on and off at random for the rest of my life?

Although I’m sure she won’t agree with it, I not only let the doctor know what’s going on, but I also told her I skipped today’s dose just like I did a couple of days ago. I seem to feel best when my TSH is at 10, meaningless number or not.

Tom says there’s a guy in his 20s at work who had a bad flu or something like that and he went to the emergency room where he was given an inhaler. Ever since then he’s been having panic attacks for the first time in his life and has been missing a lot of work. Well, those inhalers are stimulants as is levothyroxine. Also, you can bet your ass it’s times like this that I’m glad as hell I work at home. I feel like my anxiety reflects in things around here, though. It’s not like I haven’t been able to keep up on things or function, but I’m not doing as much as I’d like to do. It’s been days since I worked on my By the Month bio or edited my story.

I still wonder if the weight loss and stomach issues were more due to anxiety building up and returning than a change of diet, though Tom’s pretty sure it’s the diet. Sure is weird if that’s the case because my body hasn’t responded to traditional dieting in years, and I really feel like I was having more calories than I should in order to be able to lose weight. Even when I was young I had to go down to around 1000 calories to lose. Either way, it was in my nature to be thin until my thyroid crapped out, but not afterward. It just seems like vegan or not, I shouldn’t have lost the 8 pounds, even if I can certainly afford to do so.

The only symptoms I’m not having this time around are the funky emotions where I get flashes of dread or suddenly want to scream, and I don’t feel like a semi is parked on my chest. I’m not always jittery either. I only get jittery when my heart races. Right now I feel perfectly calm, but I’m fair game any second to an attack, and things are always subject to change. Anxiety is very unpredictable. So long gone are the days when I believed something bad had to be going on in order for it to happen, and that you could control it.

I am still going to try my damnedest to control it as best I can by taking measures to do things that have a calming effect on me when it gets bad. Like maybe see Stacey, An idea I have mixed emotions about as I think she would as well. I have no doubt that she would be delighted to see me, but as I’m sure we both agree, it wouldn’t be under the greatest of circumstances. I really wanted to wait and call her in a couple of months just to say hi and let her know I’m doing well for the most part. Not, “I need to see you because I’m anxious again.”

She’s the Rolls-Royce of counselors, good-looking or not, and she’s a great lady who has a very calming effect on me and I love to chat with her. I just don’t want to be anxious again! I’m going to give it another day or two and see how I do, and then I’ll make a decision by the end of the week. I’m just tired of things getting in the way of my plans, even if life is rarely what we plan it to be. As fantastic as she is I’d rather never see her again (unless we became friends in the future) than to have to run to her because I’m anxious again. She is the anxiety expert, though.

I looked up what foods are rich in tryptophan other than meat, and found that beans and lentils are good sources of tryptophan as well.

My first thought was oh no, I’m going to suffer for three months just like the last time until I lower my dose, but I’m trying not to think that way. For now, I’m just going to enjoy the calm while it lasts. I just wish it wasn’t so scary when attacks happen even though I know damn well they can’t hurt me. The butterflies in the stomach are annoying and frustrating, but the racing heart gets scary. In a sense, it’s artificial fear.

So… Setting my fake fear aside for now, I have a new mattress on the way. It too, is a 13” mattress, only this one’s memory foam topper is infused with a cooling gel, it’s firmer, and it has a 10-year warranty. The mattress I have now came with no promises or guarantees of any kind. I got it almost 5 years ago and it’s sagging to the point where I’m starting to wake up with lower backaches.

Yesterday evening we went on a 15-minute walk down to the lake and back. It was cold and misty out, but nice.

Last night’s lavender sage bath bomb smelled surprisingly good. There’s one called Sinus Relief but I think I’ll save that for if I ever have a cold or flu again, which may be years from now. I rarely get sick in that way. While I’m not sick, though, I don’t want to come out of the tub smelling like Vicks.

I update Blogger every few days or so. Maybe because this entry is so long, I’ll update it tonight.

I dreamed I was riding my bike down a street that my dream self seemed to think was in Florida. I was stark naked as I pedaled down a narrow street with lots of dense palm trees to shade it. I came to a causeway and rolled over a narrow strip that was just wide enough for the tires and perhaps 6” long and onto the bridge. The bridge extended over the ocean and it rose upward to allow a boat to pass. Then it started to lower itself and I had to quickly stop the bike to keep from slipping into the water. There were other people around but they didn’t seem to notice my nudity.

I suddenly realized I didn’t have my phone with me and I wanted to go home before it got too late. So I started riding back and ended up inside someone’s house. There were three people sitting in the living room watching TV. I assumed them to be a couple and their teenage daughter.

“Oh, this is a private residence,” I said.

They noticed I was naked and had some questions for me. Unsure of how to explain it, I simply said that I was being paid a lot of money to do some dare, then I asked if I could leave now. LOL

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 13, 2016
I’m going to make this as quick as I can because I’m exhausted. I usually sleep better after an appointment because I’m relieved to have it done and over with, but I woke up a few times after sleeping less than six hours. The last time I woke up was due to a lower backache because my mattress is beginning to sag. I have a strong core since I work out regularly, so when my mattress gets my back aching, I know it’s time for an upgrade. I will describe the new mattress I’m getting another time.

While my cholesterol is still bad, I saw Doc A yesterday and she’s thrilled that my thyroid is better. So am I, but I’m also worried despite her assurances. I’m pleased with the weight loss just as much as she is, since losing weight helps with everything overall, as she said. Yet while this should be exciting, I still worry that my numbers are going to end up in a place that could leave me horribly anxious. It really, REALLY sucks to have to spend the rest of my life on a drug that has the potential to make me feel worse than I could ever imagine possible. But that’s just the way it is. After what happened I’m going to have this hanging over my head for as long as I live.

While I have been calmer overall this year, my anxiety is borderline right now, and of course I’m asking myself… is it just because I’m worried? Or are the meds affecting me even though my numbers don’t currently say they should be?

I think I’m just worried about those “what ifs.” I’m not always very good at telling myself not to worry unless something goes wrong. For now, I’m just trying to take it one step at a time and am applying Stacey’s emotional tapping regimen when I feel like I might be getting anxious. My HR is in the 90s and while that’s better than the triple digits, I like it best when it’s a comfortable 80-something. The 90s are more normal for me, though, like it or not. I just worry about my numbers getting too low, or any additional weight loss affecting that and how I feel.

My body is definitely acting like it once again has a metabolism. I don’t gain as much after eating, and the weight doesn’t hang on hour after hour afterward. Like I said, where this should be thrilling, it’s a little scary. Maybe a part of me also got used to being fat for so long. Despite the fact that obesity does run in my family, I never would have gotten fat had it not been for my thyroid. I’m simply not naturally heavy, though I have been heavy for years now. Before this, I spent most of my life average or underweight, though I did have a fat spell in my late teens due to a medication I was on.

The question is whether or not Stacey’s tricks would be as magical if I ever got as bad as I was when my endo tried me on 88’s. When something is medically induced it’s a lot harder to fight. Internal sources, as opposed to external sources, are always tougher. I would take the stress of worrying about money any day over health issues. Right now I’m just very thankful to be doing better and that my husband is, as he himself put it, “remarkably healthy.” He is obese and he does have high blood pressure, but he is otherwise healthy and determined to lose weight along with me. Fortunately for me, I don’t even have 30 pounds to go.

I’m glad I stuck with Doc A. The more I see her, the more I like her and feel comfortable with her as I get to know her and she gets to know and understand me. She’s a very sweet person.

She listened to my heart, lungs, and checked to make sure my ankles weren’t swollen. She didn’t pressure me at all about statins. I guess she wants to see the results of the stress test first. This is the only test I feel confident about, too.

For now, she’s going to test my thyroid again in March, but I won’t see her again until June, at which time I’ll have a full panel of blood work done as they do every year.

She refilled my inhaler even though I only had to use it once. Just because I don’t smoke doesn’t mean I can’t have an attack, and I feel comfortable having an inhaler available. I have had a few attacks since quitting smoking in 1997.

She also refilled that cream that my first doctor gave me for feminine itching.

I definitely feel more comfortable with her checking my thyroid regularly because the numbers simply aren’t etched in stone. They really can and do change. I just never thought my TSH would get this low on this dose.

For now, I guess I just keep eating healthy, keep active, continue losing weight, and hope for the best.

It’s kind of funny how it’s a known fact that obesity poses health risks, yet all four of the nurses and office workers I saw were obese. Not just a little overweight like me, but seriously obese. Guess that’s just the US for you.

The thing I look forward to most about losing weight isn’t appearance or health benefits, but mobility. Everything’s harder when you’re heavy, and I miss having a broader range of motion. I’m still fairly flexible, but not like I used to be and not like I could be if I dropped some weight.

Despite the fact that I will always have an underlying fear of medication in general, I was brave enough to let them give me a flu shot. Unfortunately, it’s only good for three months, yet flu season goes till June. I rarely get colds and flu, though, so I’m not worried.

So much for this being a quick entry, but I’m going to sign off for now.

MONDAY, DECEMBER 12, 2016
Had stomach issues again throughout the night, but not nearly as bad as last night.

I guess I’m ready now to write about the dreams I had. The strangest one involved living in the woods somewhere and having to share condiments with Aly that were left in a pile on some old tree stumps. She also lived in the woods somewhere. I don’t know what state we were in or how I knew she lived there as I didn’t actually seem to see her in the dream other than on the cover of a magazine.

The magazine was called One Person and it was about people who considered themselves independent in a way that they didn’t need friends, and they considered people to be disposable whenever and wherever. Aly’s picture was on the front of the magazine. She stood in a confident and determined pose, which was visible down to her mid-thigh or so. She was thin and her hair was very short and very straight.

Out of the condiments, I noticed that she seemed to hog up this particular salad dressing, but was kind enough to leave me another bottle of similar dressing.

Then Tom told me that a house was soon to be built nearby.

“Where?” I asked him.

“Over there,” he said pointing through the trees.

I was immediately disappointed because I knew that this meant having to deal with barking dogs that would always be outdoors.

Then I was lying in a hospital bed somewhere, though I wasn’t asleep. I was lying on my side when two girls who thought I was asleep snuck up on me as if they were about to pull some prank on me. I yelled something at them and they ran off.

Then I remembered I was supposed to meet Stacey somewhere at 7 o’clock, though I don’t know where since she doesn’t see patients that late. I wasn’t at home but was able to glance at a nearby clock, wherever I was, and see that it was already 7 o’clock. I hoped that Tom had contacted her to tell her I wouldn’t make it.

Lastly, I had some dream about a missing child. A bunch of elementary school kids was in the movie theater and I was watching as the police hauled them out in a hurry and sent them over to their waiting parents. I guess they wanted to get all the kids they could home safe until they located the one that was missing.

Later…

I’ve now lost a surprising 8 pounds! The results of my TSH test were just as surprising.

I checked the health site early in the morning and found that my lipid panel had come in the previous evening. They were just then posting the metabolic panel.

Not much change with my cholesterol, which is still bad. When I read my TSH score of 7.75, however, I started off in shock, then I was pleased, and then I started getting a little nervous.

My last TSH reading in August was 10.14, and my T4 was 1.2.

My recent results are 7.75 and 1.1. I really thought my TSH might have floated to 11 or 12 because my skin and hair are dry.

My stomach is now stable, and as some of you also know, I had horrible stomach cramps, nausea and the runs yesterday and the day before. Initially, I believed it was the sudden change of diet.

So anyway, I’m sitting there looking at the numbers and then I thought about it… the rapid weight loss, the stomach issues… could I be going hyper again? I still do overheat in my sleep at times and my heart races me awake. I just don’t freak out about it because I know what it is.

So I Skyped Tom the info at work and he assured me I’m not even close to hyper and reminded me that they could’ve tested me the day before and gotten a TSH of 13 and then 10 the day before, since that one fluctuates. The real thyroid numbers that matter is the T4 and it’s down, not up. He assured me I was just nervous because I have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow with Dr. A, and I later realized he was right.

He assures me the weight loss is because I went vegan, it won’t always drop that fast, and my stomach issues were the results of the treats I had after the lab. Not food poisoning, a stomach bug or me going hyper.

Fortunately, I feel a lot better now otherwise I might have trouble believing him. One of the biggest symptoms of being hyper besides the anxiety and booming heart is that you have a lack of appetite, you have the runs, and you lose weight quickly.

But then I thought about it more and realized that when I was actually hyper I didn’t have intense stomach cramps or nausea; I simply had the runs. Also, I haven’t been having any funky emotions, lung tightness or jitteriness. Yes, my heart can still race or beat a little hard at times, but nothing like when I was hyper. Your HR can soar into the 140s just sitting on your ass when you’re hyper. Trust me, it’s utterly batshit terrifying, especially if you don’t know what’s going on.

My only concern right now is how much accumulation I might be in for in the future. As I learned from Doc O, this drug can accumulate in the system, so I’ll soon ask Doc A. The last thing I want is for the levothyroxine to keep accumulating and dropping me under a 5. Around 7 to 10 are my personal ideal numbers.

My rainbow sweatshirt finally arrived from overseas and it fits great. It’s a medium and is slightly loose on me.

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 11, 2016
Oh, what a night I had last night! I ended up sick for the last eight hours of my day. Anything is better than anxiety, but it was one rough ride. It started with sharp cramps in my upper abs and moved downward. I had gas, cramps and nausea all night long. It’s a true miracle I never puked or had the runs. I felt so bad at times I actually wished I would puke.

I totally regret getting that burger and fries. I agree with Tom who says that it’s not so much because I had meat for the first time in so long, but more because I radically changed my diet that day and took in so much grease. From what he looked up, our food stays with us 24 to 72 hours. The junk food likely got stuck in my intestines and then yesterday’s food was probably forced to stay in my stomach longer than normal, thus causing the whole reaction. Another thing I had that my body isn’t used to was a big bag of popcorn. This wasn’t the diet kind either, but a full-size bag of buttery popcorn.

Ironically enough, though, getting sick has caused me to hit my goal weight for this week, which I didn’t expect to reach. So now I’m down a total of 6 pounds.

I slept horribly. I was too hot. I was too cold. Traffic was too loud. My belly continued to cramp. After about five hours of sleep, I got up to relieve my stomach again and took a lorazepam to help me fall back asleep. I slept longer but I woke up groggy because of the disturbed sleep and because the lorazepam was still in my system. These days I don’t take the lorazepam for anxiety since the anxiety has backed off, but every now and then I use it for sleep. Why not finish what I have left if I could use it at times?

I was almost afraid to eat today, but I can’t avoid it forever. Tom got me some ginger ale, so hopefully that will help. Better yet, I need to just stay vegan. It isn’t just meat that’s bad for me, but anything fried or battered. I just can’t eat like I used to and that shit wasn’t healthy anyway.

I have more to write about, but I’m still pretty out of it so I’ll do it later. Right now I just want to climb into my warm, soft comfy bed.

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 10, 2016
Our senior rat Cappy has died, but to be honest, I haven’t exactly shed any tears over him. He was a very antisocial rat. Never before did we have a rat that couldn’t live with other rats and needed to be separated from the others. But he did.

Despite being old at two years old, which is when they usually die, his death was kind of a surprise because he died so suddenly. You usually know a few days in advance when they’re going to die.

Now the other three which are now six months old can have both the upper and lower levels of the cage.

Tonight’s bath bomb was pumpkin spice and it was definitely the strongest-smelling one so far. This one turned the water a neon piss, almost mustard color.

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 9, 2016
I’m hungry as hell right now because I’ve got an appointment at the lab at 3:45 and it’s a fasting blood test. I wouldn’t have to fast if they were testing just my thyroid, but there’s a lipid panel as well. I didn’t get up until 11 AM, but 5 hours without eating is still a long haul. You can bet your ass I’m going to be loading up on cholesterol afterward!

This is such a pointless, stupid waste of time. I already made it clear to them that I’m not taking any more thyroid medication, and the more I thought about it, the more I’m sure I’m going to refuse statins as well. Forever I mean. Statins just don’t always prevent strokes and heart attacks. Tammy would know this firsthand. She’s been on statins for years yet that didn’t stop her from having a heart attack. So why take something and always stress about the side effects if I’m just going to eventually have one anyway? If I do, I still think it would be many years from now. My carotid ultrasound didn’t show any plaque, so I’d say I’m good until my 70s or 80s.

I spent quite a while yesterday sweeping the rest of these popcorn ceilings of their beloved dust and webs.

Exchanged hellos with Jon earlier who asked how our tech stuff was going. He said he didn’t want to say “nerdy” stuff and offend me, but I wouldn’t be offended at all and neither would Tom. We’re definite nerds/tech junkies, or whatever you want to call us. Jon said that’s something he admires because it’s a talent he doesn’t have. Tom is still much more knowledgeable than I am. My specialty is with words, foreign and not.

Today was bulk trash pickup. We tossed one of the old rat cages, a couple of old vacuums, and a couple of old portable heaters.

Later…

They were only a few minutes late for my appointment at the lab, but OMG! I guess even Russian parents don’t believe in teaching their kids any manners. I didn’t know they were Russian at first. I only knew it was both rude and ridiculous the way they let one of their brats scream so loud that I could barely hear the woman at the desk speaking to me.

It was afterward that Tom said I should’ve kept up on my Russian studies. I guess the lady at the desk was having a hard time communicating with the woman. I would have kept up on it if it weren’t such a pain in the ass not having a Russian keyboard. The language didn’t seem that difficult to learn.

This other guy could have used my sign language, which is almost as good as my English. He was deaf, and the woman had Tom get his attention while I was checking in.

Anyway, the guy who drew my blood was nice enough to use a butterfly needle at my request. I just find it easier to save them time than have them discover the hard way how tiny my veins are. I finally learned why, too. It’s bad genetics. One of my parents or grandparents had small veins. I guess you could really say I’m genetically screwed. Makes me wonder why my parents had kids, knowing how many problems the family had. On top of wondering why they had kids they never truly wanted in the first place and that they would ultimately abuse, of course.

He took four vials, two for my thyroid, two for cholesterol. Trying not to think of how shitty the results may be. I know the cholesterol is going to be bad; it’s the thyroid I’m worried about. Especially when its medication can cause some of us the kind of terror-filled anxiety you probably wouldn’t even feel if some psycho held you at gunpoint, as I was telling Norma when she recommended I get my heart checked every 6 months if I don’t take statins, due to the family history. I told her I was getting stress-tested soon.

The traffic was a nightmare, and there sure are some angry people in Cali. We pulled into the parking lot of Jack-in-the-Box when this vehicle suddenly stops right in front of us. I was in the midst of asking Tom why they stopped when this youngish plump blonde storms out of the passenger side and runs around to the driver (who I never did see) and starts screaming at them. Even though people don’t scare me easily, I definitely wouldn’t have wanted to be the one she was screaming at. This bitch was livid as hell.

So I got the burger and fries I promised myself I would get after the lab and felt just awful afterward. Not much heartburn but I felt so sluggish and just yucky overall. The experience reminded me of part of why I went vegan. Initially, I did it to lower my cholesterol never knowing just how much better I would feel not to mention wonderfully regular. Never thought I would say this, but veganism is definitely the way to go. Makes me kind of pissed to know I loaded up on practically a year’s worth of meaty TV dinners. It was a stupid thing to do that I’m sure to regret, especially since I didn’t crave or miss meat nearly as much as I thought I would. Once it’s gone I’m only going to have meat at fast food joints, which I only visit once or twice a month if even that. Fruits, veggies, beans, rice, yogurt… that’s the way to go. Not meat, cheese, sugar, pasta, or bread. No salty snacks either, although sometimes I do give in to popcorn.

The vampire said red meats and citrus were good after having blood drawn. I was so hungry that I felt a little dizzy after the blood was drawn being on an empty stomach and all that. And oh, how grumpy I felt! Hunger makes me grumpier than PMS at its worst. He said the body produces something like 2 million red blood cells an hour, so I guess my body’s long since replaced the lost blood.

The Caddy has a fake convertible roof, which started to tear off and look really ugly, so he glued it back down with gorilla glue.

He has to work tomorrow, which both sucks and doesn’t suck. He doesn’t have as much free time as he’d like, but it’s more money.

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 8, 2016
I’m having a love-hate relationship with this weather. It’s rainy, cold, yucky and dismal. But it sure is keeping the peace around here.

I’m a little worried for the women of Ohio should the ridiculous “heartbeat” bill become law. It’s not just infuriating but it’s downright insane. Not only do most women not even know they’re pregnant at just six weeks when a heartbeat can be detected, but that doesn’t mean it’s a “life” with any form of awareness that could possibly be “murdered.” We have little to no sense of awareness until after were born, so if abortion is murder then so is pulling a weed.

I don’t get people. Most men are anti-children claiming that children are for the women, and many women these days are choosing careers over children. Yet we’re trying to strip women of their rights and make abortion illegal in every way we can? How fucked up is that? I don’t doubt, however, that abortion will one day be illegal nationwide. People are just that crazy.

I’ve been asked what I find attractive in a woman, and how feminine and I am as opposed to masculine, so I thought I would elaborate a bit on that if people must know. :-) Well, I’m pretty damn feminine… high heels, skirts, dresses, glitter, pink things, makeup, long hair (or at least nothing above the shoulders). Most days, however, I’m dressed both casually and comfortably. I’m all-woman either way.

However, I do tend to lean towards being naturally muscular, and I won’t hesitate, win or lose, to stand up to a man trying to harm me (or anyone I love) just as I would with another woman.

Since returning from vacation early in the year I have worked out consistently, not just with walking and running, but also on the Bowflex gym we’d recently gotten. I’m slowly but noticeably peeling inches, and one can definitely look at me and tell I work out. The muscle is most visible in my shoulders, biceps, abs and calves, though you can see some muscle in my outer thighs as well.

As for what I find attractive, I think I’ve always had a rather unique opinion of that and what I consider “attractive.” Those supermodels that most people find the most gorgeous… well, to me they’re attractive in the way a beautiful flower or a butterfly is attractive. They’re lovely to look at, but not something I consider a “turn-on.” My main type is typically older women who are tall and dark, and as long as the hair isn’t short in a manly kind of way and they’re not immensely obese, then hair length and body weight don’t matter much.

There have been some exceptions, though. I have found some blonds and redheads attractive, and then there’s Stacey. She’s got dark hair and eyes and she’s the type that could probably tan easily enough, but she’s anything but tall. Those warm brown eyes and sexy smile combined with her calm and intelligent personality are a definite winner in my eyes. Some might consider her plain and frail, but I think we all have our own definition of what’s “beautiful.”

Alison may not have tweeted for a couple of days, but she’s still using the account. She’s following more people and “liking” things. Then she did tweet something about having an allergic reaction on account of coconut being an ingredient in something she ate, and so the drama queen needed a Benadryl.

I was remembering back to the time I was oh so worried and depressed at the thought of her possibly dying of cancer, which she may or may not really have, and it was all for someone who didn’t give a shit about me in return. So basically it was all for nothing, and now a part of me wishes she would drop dead. Like I said, Molly may have been a crazy, stalking piece of shit, but I get how she turned on Aly and some of the things she would say to her.

Today’s bath bomb was blueberry. It turned the water a very vivid and pretty shade of Robin’s egg blue. This one smelled the best, but the smell quickly faded.

Last night I dreamed I was staying in a huge hotel. I wandered out of my room without my glasses and was so blind that I couldn’t find my way back to my room. I would get in the elevator and keep getting off on the wrong floor.

Then in another dream, a girl in her 20s was talking on her phone and appeared to be worried about something. When she hung up I told her, “Look, the cops are never your friend. No matter how much we may mistakenly think so and wish they were, they’re usually not. So never tell them anything they don’t absolutely need to know.”

I stopped spotting, lost the extra water, and now I’m once again wondering if I’ve hit menopause. It’s definitely looking promising!

Later…

The panty pack arrived and they’re pretty impressive considering that every pair fits and each of the 30 pairs cost less than a buck. Some are loose and some are a bit snug, but their quality is great. They come in a variety of fabrics, styles and colors, but none are crotchless. There was one small and a few mediums, but most are large. There are a couple of extra larges as well. Still don’t care for some of the low riders, fat or not, because they give you the feeling that your underwear is slipping down.

There were a few bikinis and a few T-backs, but most are typical G-strings. Some are silky, but most are cotton. Some are solid colors while others have prints.

I hate panty lines and now that I’m not getting periods (I hope) I’ll probably switch from boy shorts to G-strings.

I Skyped Tom a picture of them, and I Facebooked Tammy and Marie pictures as well. I knew Marie would get a kick out of it. Prior to sending them to her, she sent me a picture of herself. While she looks like a lesbian, she looks great. Not an ounce of fat on her.

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 7, 2016
Last night I dreamed that Stacey was at what might’ve been a psychic fair. The dream took place in the past, which I saw from her POV. The psychic was telling her she would meet someone (I assume that someone was me).

“She’s in 2015,” I’m pretty sure the psychic said.

Then I dreamed that I was either just leaving or quickly stopping by what might have been a couple’s place. It was early evening and the sun had just set.

“Okay, have a good night, Jodi,” a dark-haired woman said to me in a serious, almost impatient tone as she saw me out.

I left on heels, carrying a colorful dress as well as a rainbow candy cane of sorts. I realized that I had a long walk home and that I better hurry up or else my feet would be killing me. I felt a bit overwhelmed at the idea of having to walk so far in heels.

Then I spotted a young couple I knew heading to their car and was thinking of asking for a ride when I realized I had my own car there. I seem to drive a lot in dreams.

Aly hasn’t tweeted in two days yet her Fitbit stats clock her at taking nearly 30K steps a day. Yeah, some cancer victim. Let me guess, though…she’s abandoned this account for another one? I wouldn’t be surprised if she didn’t have a way of knowing I was following her.

Speaking of accounts… I had no idea one of my old Twitter accounts was still activated until I spotted it following Prosebox’s Twitter account. Oh great. So Aly and Kim have had the luxury of playing victim all this time without me knowing it. That’s something God would allow for. I put it to sleep for good, so all their future accounts won’t be able to block it. I’m only using one account now which they’re unaware of.

I got my K-cup holder yesterday and I like it a lot. Today I’m getting the 40-pack variety of K-cups.

As for my tennis ball bath bombs… their colors and moisturizing effects are more noticeable than their smell. The grape turned the bathwater dark purple, the sandalwood turned it a cloudy piss color, and the snickerdoodle, which was infused with glitter, turned it a surprisingly vivid magenta. Tomorrow I will use the blueberry bath bomb, as I don’t take baths every day. I still prefer showers.

I watched the first six seasons of Pretty Little Liars, and now I’m watching season 17 of Law & Order SVU. Mariska Hargitay has always been my favorite, but I’ve recently noticed just how handsome Raul Esparza is.

I’m still spotting on and off as I have been since November 30, but I haven’t had an actual period since September 2.

A freeze warning was in effect until 9am. Some people covered their plants with blankets. Where are the hot flashes when I need them?!

Really hope it’s quieter today than yesterday. Yesterday I heard landscaping on and off for 6 hours and it was so annoying. I could also hear hammering, but only outside. Still… enough is enough!

Same goes for this mutt I hear every single fucking day. It may only be for a few seconds, but I just want to kick it! Unlike Geri’s dog, this dog yips ferociously. If this were left outside next to us in the mainstream I’d be killing it in no time.

Said hello to Carolyn yesterday, who accidentally left her key in the mailbox overnight.

Pinterest has undergone yet another makeover. Kind of getting sick of all the change there. I liked it the way it was. That’s why I joined in the first place. The thing is that the changes are pointless. Why don’t they make some changes people could actually use, like a better way to weed out duplicates, download pins, etc?

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 6, 2016
Today’s the first day in a while where I’m running low on energy. I feel okay otherwise. I just wish I would either get my period or that my PMS symptoms would back off. I’ve been spotting on and off for a week now. When I see Dr. A in a week I’ll let her know, but I think she’ll just want to do a Pap.

I gained half my lost weight back and once again I realize that if I stand a chance of losing more than just a few pounds it’s going to have to wait until I hit full-fledged menopause. With cycles comes both water and hunger, and I know not all of the weight gain is water. If it was it would come right back off after periods, but since I have to slowly work it off, that tells me it’s weight gain from the extra eating done when my hunger levels are up.

It’s cold and foggy here now but that didn’t stop Bob from blowing leaves for over a half-hour. It’s definitely going to stop me from working out outdoors, though. Since I exercise most days, I might take today off given my lack of energy. Forcing myself to do the cleaning I want to do today will be enough, although I suppose I could put it off until tomorrow.

Two out of the three times we’ve ordered groceries online they made Tom wait 10 minutes before giving him the groceries. The whole point in ordering online was to save time and this doesn’t exactly save much of that, so if he’s made to wait again today when he stops after work, we’ll just go back to getting our own groceries. He books a specific time for a reason. If they can’t keep that time, then what’s the point?

Really wish I could come up with more story ideas now that I have such great tools to help me write them faster. Too bad there isn’t anything to help make editing go faster. Editing is still 80% of the work, and I don’t find that part much fun at all.

Last night I dreamed we were back in the Phoenix house. I don’t know if we moved back there or were just staying there temporarily. We hated it there, so we would never do either one. Nonetheless, the house had major electrical problems, and Tom would have to reset breakers regularly.

I woke up one morning to find the house very warm, tried to kick on the AC, but found it dead. I found Tom in the kitchen who said, “I’m right on it,” before I could say anything.

As he was stepping into his shoes, however, I said, “I hate this fucking house.”

I did hate that old dark house with its shitty layout and single bathroom that was just a few feet away from a pack of race-carding freeloaders, though I did like the pool/spa, private backyard, and being on a solid concrete foundation. The neighborhood was going downhill when we left in 1999. It started off fairly average when I moved in with him in 1993, but more and more lazy scum was moving into the area.

70 more days until I call Stacey!

MONDAY, DECEMBER 5, 2016
“I’m well aware of the importance of this day but I just don’t have it in me to be so kind anymore,” tweeted the Midwestern liar before she deleted it.

Was she referring to my birthday? I was surprised she remembered (in her last message to me) that I was about to turn 51, but why would she care enough to call it “important” and say she doesn’t have it in her to be so kind anymore when she made up her mind months ago never to contact me again? She must be talking about something else. Her and her riddles!

She definitely runs low on kindness, that’s for sure. I never realized just how cold and heartless she could be till she dumped me. Dishonest, yes, but downright mean? Not until she decided I didn’t have anything to “offer” her as a friend since Aly obviously expects something from her friends because just giving our friendship and ourselves to her isn’t enough.

Weight is still slowly struggling to return. I suspect I won’t get a period till it’s all back, and that may be some time next week when I catch up on the cholesterol I’ve been missing. Yeah, after labs it’s off to enjoy chicken, beef, fish, cheese and egg-based meals for a while.

I’m dreading my lab results! Really worried my TSH is going to be up because my skin’s drier, my hair is thinner in front and seems to have stopped growing again. No one can make me take any more or additional meds, though. I’d rather live a shorter, happier unhealthier life than a longer, healthier one where I have to struggle with or at least worry about side effects from drugs all the time. As I’ve always said, sometimes the best way to deal with a problem is to not deal with it at all, at least for a while.

She’s gonna hit me for female exams, too. sighs I just want the appointments to slow down! Two dental, two eye exams, and two PCP visits a year is half a dozen appointments. To add a mamo and a pap, plus any other specialists would be way too much. Even if I could keep a schedule, he doesn’t have unlimited days off, and we don’t have unlimited funds for all the copays and parking either.

Really hit the jackpot at Goodwill yesterday! Just when I thought I wouldn’t find anything of interest, I came across three 18” dolls with rather pleasant and realistic faces. They’re nicer than my American Girl-like 18” dolls only skinnier and all-vinyl. The other “fatties” have soft bodies.

When I got home I looked up the information embossed on their backs and found them to be surprisingly expensive. They’re from the Best Friends Club Ink collection, and most of the ones I found for sale on Amazon and eBay are going for over $100. Walmart has the Addison doll for $80. A few (probably used) were running between $16 - $40. We paid $12 total for this trio.

Gianna has blue eyes and auburn hair. Yuko, my favorite, is Asian. Then there’s Calista with green eyes, brown hair and darker skin. Not sure if she’s a mix of black and white or Hispanic and white.

They all came with tops and leggings with one of the leggings being footed. One of the tops fell apart after I washed it. Also, one came barefoot, one came with black shoes, and one came with a single pink shoe. I looked on Amazon for accessories and found a surprisingly limited selection. Depending on the style, they can wear a few of the fat doll outfits.

Another thing I like about these dolls is how jointed they are. They’re super jointed… elbows, wrists, ankles, knees… even the upper thighs so you can turn the leg out since they can only move front to back from the hips. They can bend a bit at the waist, too.

I now have so many damn collectibles that I pulled half of them off of shelves and dressers and boxed them up for a while. I figure that every few months I’ll switch off.

After Goodwill, we went back to Jack-in-the-Box where I got fries and raspberry ginger ale. I guess Tom must have looked younger that day because he didn’t get an automatic senior discount.

We went out walking and running when we got back, and sure enough, my hip was on fire afterward.

Did a small Amazon order because he had to get more cleaning solution for the carpet cleaner. I also grabbed some K-cups and a 3-tier storage drawer that holds 54 K-cups.

I’m also getting a surprise panty pack from China that includes 30 pairs of panties in a variety of styles and fabrics for just $28. It’s like a fun grab bag, though I don’t expect to like every pair, especially the few crotchless ones.

So it was a fun birthday and I got spoiled by Tom and lots of birthday wishes online. I was a little surprised Eileen didn’t remember my birthday and that Tammy didn’t call, but that’s ok.

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 4, 2016
Going to spend my birthday today out shopping as well as at home relaxing.

We went to Jack-in-the-Box and Walgreens yesterday. At Walgreens, I got pomegranate bath bombs, a leopard print car for the rats and I to play with, a sparkly headband, snacks, and light blue press-on nails with white snowflakes.

Because I’ve been craving variety after spending a month on a diet that consists of 90% vegetables, I got a large order of fries and a delicious salty caramel milkshake that really messed up my stomach. It was worth it, though. I would’ve had a burger instead of the shake except I can’t have any cholesterol until after the labs. I’ll be going there next weekend.

Where things got funny was when Tom gave a quick chuckle and said, “I think I’m offended,” as he showed me the receipt for our order.

“Senior discount,” it said, and I burst out laughing. Poor guy doesn’t even have to tell anyone anymore that he’s getting old.

On the way home, we drove by a cemetery that excitedly exclaimed, “New spaces available!” Like gee, that’s so exciting. Such a beautiful place that we ought to hurry up and die and use them up so we can stay there forever, LOL.

Woke up from a nightmare, heart pounding furiously in my chest. I took a lorazepam for the first time in a while to help get me back to sleep. Might as well use up what I’ve got left when I could use it.

I was visiting a younger couple’s house. They were perhaps in their 30s. The woman was scared of her ex who had been harassing them. I left the living room to get a drink in the kitchen when I looked out the window and saw a giant gold pickup suddenly pull in between their house and the next house even though there was no driveway there, and I ran to tell the couple who had been blasting their TV.

The woman ran to the back door and I proceeded to shut and lock any open windows. While I was doing this I was afraid that the woman wouldn’t take the situation seriously enough to call the police. I woke up wondering where my phone was and if I’d even brought it over.

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 3, 2016
Still spotting and still hungrier than usual, though yesterday wasn’t too bad with the hunger.

Got the leopard sheath dress and it fits well. It’s a little snug, especially since I’m bloated right now, but once I lose the water or a little more weight, it should be fine. It looks ok from the front, but when I turn to the side you can see that I’ve got my bloat on. My body is struggling to make up its mind whether or not to kick off one more period.

Not hunting for Aly’s Twitter account proved to be easier said than done once again, though she doesn’t know that I’m aware of it. I know it’s a bad excuse but at the end of my day, I got bored and was too tired to do anything productive.

Her only tweet since then was that she promised a Fitbit friend that she would change Twitter handles, which makes no sense, especially since Kim changed one of hers as well. Why would you promise anybody to change your handle unless you wanted to? I think she just doesn’t want to admit that I influenced the change should I find the account, and I did by Googling her bio there. Is she that stupid, or does she want me to keep finding her, even though I told her in our last exchange on NaNoWriMo that the next time she changed it I wouldn’t bother to look for it?

Another thing I don’t get is why Stacey’s son studied in Texas. He recently went to college there but is now living back in Auburn. If the family doesn’t live there anymore then why would the son study there? It hit me that she may have had Noah with another guy, but my research shows she’s married to his father.

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 2, 2016
I wish I’d known about intimate sets on Amazon before I got a 6-pack of Fruit of the Loom’s boy shorts at Walmart for $10 when I could’ve gotten a 10-pack for just $6 on Amazon.

In January when we do our next fun order, I’m getting a whopping 25-pack panty variety for just $25. Based on the reviews it’s like getting a surprise gift bag, so you may not like every single one. A buck apiece is a hell of a deal, though, for the variety of G-strings, thongs, bikinis, hipsters and boy shorts that are in it.

I’m up 2/10 of a pound. This is the slowest weight reset ever, and amazingly I’m not still starving after my first eat of the day like I have been the last 3 or 4 days. Thought I’d wake up a bleeder too, since I was crampy yesterday, but I’m not even spotting yet today.

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 1, 2016
Aly and Kim did exactly what I knew they would do and changed links on Twitter. I’m just surprised it took this long. Not sure why they couldn’t simply protect their tweets, but I’m not going to bother hunting the new links. I just don’t give a shit about them anymore. They’re both way in the past and that’s the way it stays.

Our laundry/bath tiles have arrived as well! The flower design in the centers is the same, just different colors. The kitchen flower is a dark pinkish-red with a green and white background. The laundry/bath tiles are mauve with the flower being a darker mauve.

It’s windy and cold tonight, so I will definitely be working out indoors.

The new heater I put by my desk is both compact and kick ass.

I also got my new 10-pack of assorted bath bombs. Love how they’re the size of tennis balls instead of golf balls. I used the grape soda first. The only ones I might not like so much are eucalyptus and whatever the sinus relief one is. There was also blueberry, sandalwood, Cinna bun-bun, cucumber melon, snickerdoodle, lavender sage, and pumpkin spice.

First I dreamed that somebody boarded up a large window in the center of a large wall because I complained that the work that had been done on the windows to the sides drove me crazy. So they were kind enough to just simply board it up rather than continue working on them, haha.

In another dream, I was on the road somewhere, maybe in the back of a van. I was on the phone talking to some young guy who said his girlfriend was everything he ever wanted and that he was set for life with her. I wondered if he was too young to be correct about that.

In the last dream, I was on probation for something when I suddenly realized I had failed to report for a while. In an attempt to cover my ass, I called and left a message with what I think was a female PO, saying that I tried to call her several times and was wondering why she hadn’t been out to see me. Then again, as I pointed out to her, it was only over something I said or wrote and not a violent crime that warranted being on probation in the first place, so I would understand if she didn’t bother with me.

Well, rest assured that I will never again allow any person, group or organization to legally screw me because of something I said or wrote that wasn’t threatening! If I’ve got something to say, I’ll say it, and no law is going to change that.