August 2016 in 2010s

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 31, 2016
Took a walk down to the lake tonight, and OMG! I was amazed to find my dream notebook still sitting on the bench I left it on! Wow, huh? The front cover is bent back slightly, suggesting that someone may’ve read it, but that could also be the elements it was exposed to. Moisture in the air sort of warps and ripples paper, not that there’s much moisture at this time of year.

So now what? Drop it in Walmart’s bathroom? The medical building’s bathroom?

The workers are still working at the Twenties, as expected. I’m sure it will go well into next week when I’ll definitely be up throughout most of their time here and escaping to the bedroom.

Just wondering how often these people are going to hire people to do stuff for them, necessary or not. Just because it may be someone else wielding a hammer and not them doesn’t mean I still don’t hear it. I just hope they’re not as obsessed with hiring workers as Jesse was obsessed with doing projects himself.

Amazingly, my ear doesn’t hurt and I’m not dizzy today. At least not yet. Yesterday my BP was normal.

Did some digging by adding a slight twist to my keyword search, and it looks like Molly’s still at Marbridge, after Googling the place and her first name. Found their site on Facebook in which she’s pictured working off-campus at a food co-op. She’s put on a few, but she’s in her mid-30s now, so I’m not surprised. Another decade and she’ll probably be even bigger.

So what, is she going to live there all her life? I still can’t believe she stopped visiting my blog. Or has she? She never seemed to care if I’d see her on my log. If anything she wanted that, so I’m guessing that yes, she finally got sick of me.

So now for a review of my latest goodies. The incense all smells the same and is hard to light. My pressed flower necklace is pretty. The temperature-changing mug is cool. My color-changing lipsticks all look the same. The best thing of all… my new pink vibe hands down. Love how it doesn’t need to be plugged into the wall and how I don’t have to change batteries like crazy.

Just why have I been so horny lately anyway? Hmm… Stacey?

I read, not surprisingly, that the most common sexual complaints from men are cumming too fast or not being able to sustain an erection. For women, it’s a lack of appetite and the inability to achieve orgasm. So does Tom’s dick think it’s stuck on a woman? I’ve come to realize over the years that he may not have as much control over his body as I first thought he might, but I’ll never get what made him the way he was and probably still would be, or how he could be as ok with it as he sure seemed to be. Did not wanting a child make him more ok with it? Or was he just too shy to address it, especially to a doctor? As for why he’s got the problem in the first place… I can only guess some kind of testosterone imbalance.

I’m just glad Tom doesn’t wish he could replace this vibrator cuz as much as I love the hell outa him, I haven’t been attracted to him in that kind of way for many years now and can’t imagine that ever-changing. People really do change with age. And they need variety, even if they don’t actually go out and fuck that variety, and aren’t willing to admit that we’re not attracted to just one person in our lifetime, no matter how much we may love them and be committed to them.

Could I resist if someone I was attracted to put the moves on me? Well, not that I can imagine anyone wanting fat, aging me, but my human side may make that a bit hard to do.

The question is would Tom be too human to resist? I’m 110% sure he’s been very faithful, but I wouldn’t fault him for it if he had a night here and there with someone else just for variety. I know it’s me he loves and me he would always be coming home to, so I would trust him. Honestly, though, I can’t imagine him doing this. When I Skype him, I have no way to know he really is at work, but I trust him and that’s all that matters. If he needs a little “treat” every now and then, he can have it. Really think he’s always had an appetite as dead as mine’s gotten to be with age, though. It’s probably not very common at all, but yeah, even guys can occasionally be like women.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 30, 2016
Felt a little better both physically and emotionally after crying and showering. My head (ear?) seemed to drain like crazy at that point. I’m still sick of dealing with this shit so much of the time. So I feel a little better right now. How long’s it gonna last? My head still feels “compressed,” but overall I’m a little better. I dusted the bedroom and after I ramble a bit in private I’ll tackle the bathroom before I feel like shit again.

Even though I’m sure she’ll tell me it’s just anxiety, I sent this to Doc A:

While anything is better than the hardcore anxiety I had earlier in the year, I have continued to have intermittent lightheadedness and fatigue that is not normal for me, and while I suspect it is perimenopause, it has been very hard and even depressing for me. My bad ear has been achy more often too, and I see my ENT in Oct. For me, these are my biggest concerns right now because while I do not feel that cholesterol floating around in me, I sure feel the lightheadedness and fatigue and wanted to know if you have any natural remedies you might be able to recommend till I see you. Any particular foods? This is extremely frustrating for me, especially thinking I know the cause given my age and symptoms but not knowing for sure. I miss my energy! Not the anxiety, but just not feeling so blah so often. Putting together a list of things to discuss with you, and my erratic period dates and will try not to make you late for your other patients like last time. Any advice for now?

J

What’s gone on with me over the last two years has made me see that some of my old problems that seemed like such a crisis at the time really weren’t that bad after all. I miss the days when my worst problems were wanting what I couldn’t have and being forced to listen to my neighbors. My worst problems just two years ago were mostly earaches, toothaches and occasional allergies and asthma. Now I’ve also got anxiety, depression, sleep issues that have worsened, fatigue, dizziness, heartburn, and God knows what else is waiting for me right around the corner. I still fear I’m going to have one thing after another until I’m eventually given more than I can handle.

MONDAY, AUGUST 29, 2016
For the longest time, I couldn’t wait till Bill died. But now I hear more about him than I did when the bastard was alive.

Went on a duck walk, not wanting to overdo it with the dizzies. It was there on a bench that I left my dream notebook. Will anyone read it if it doesn’t get drenched by sprinklers? I’ll never know. It’ll be interesting to see if I get any local views on Tumblr, though. That’s the only link I enclosed since there’s no identifying info on me there.

I just felt safer, knowing how shitty my luck can be and how I sometimes have to pay for the dumbest things while others get away with murder if it appeared to be left or dropped accidentally as opposed to delivered to someone. I was originally going to slip it in front of one of the houses here. Thought of leaving it in a bathroom in a store or medical building, but some dumb illiterate sp*c janitor would probably just toss it. No guarantees it’d get picked up and read from the lake bench, but at least I’m not “forcing” it on anyone like I was supposed to have done in Arizona. Yeah, I really “forced” them to read my mail at gunpoint, right?

Later…

Even though it may not be nearly as scary as when my heart would race, I’m beginning to fear that I’m going to suffer every day for the rest of my life, and it’s starting to really drag me down into a bit of a funk. This is on top of what we’re now pretty sure is PMS since my boobs are noticeably sorer and I’m moodier. But some of that moodiness is due to how shitty I feel. It’d depress anyone.

I miss the old me. I’d take back poverty over this shit any day. Other than occasional restlessness and upset stomach, that poverty didn’t touch me. I’ve had ear problems for 12 years now, but it’s been way more persistent since around May, plus I’m now having more days than not where I’m depleted of energy and I’m lightheaded. I have to push myself to work out, I have to push myself to clean, and I can’t even begin to push myself to finish my stories.

What’s with all the heartburn lately, too? I looked up an OTC remedy called Prevacid, but as soon as I saw the rare but severe side effect listed of a racy/irregular heart and anxiety, I said no way. Rare or not, I have just as much chance, if not more with my shit luck, of having that as anyone else does.

Anyway, I slept horribly due to waking up a lot and am tired from that as well as PMS and the perimenopause, too. What’s frustrating is not knowing for sure what’s causing what and what to do about it. I think my fatigue and dizziness are the perimenopause and I think my ear is nerve damage, but I just don’t know for sure.

The only thing that shoots down the damaged nerve theory is the fact that it comes and goes. And why would it take 9 years after surgery to become an issue?

Then my mind wanders to other questions… is there really a God up there that might’ve used my ear as a weapon of torture against me? If so, for what? Who did I torture for over a decade to deserve this “punishment?” Oiling it regularly used to help, but not anymore.

If all I had was an achy ear, that’d be one thing. Ibuprofen helps dull the pain. But there’s no remedy for my fatigue and dizziness. No matter what foods or vitamin supplements I try, nothing seems to help.

Fatigue, dizziness, heartburn, earaches… it never ends. I have a few scattered good days in the mix, but not nearly enough. I’ve got some problem or another more often than not.

And now the car is leaking water somewhere, too. Tom ordered some Stop Leak, and I worry about that becoming a big deal and expense. Thanks to me and all my fucking appointments, Tom doesn’t have an unlimited amount of time off.

I just worry that my upcoming PCP, ear and sleep appointments will be a waste of time and money while the dentist visit will just unearth more cavities. As Tom pointed out, my fear of medicine doesn’t help. I want to deal with my issues, but I’m afraid to take the drugs they recommend. I always seem to have side effects that are unmanageable. If something up there hates me that much I wish it would just get it over with and kill me. But I guess that wouldn’t be much fun for it if it couldn’t see me live to suffer. Maybe that’s a sign that the afterlife isn’t so bad after all, if there is one, if keeping me alive is the worst alternative.

I miss Stacey but don’t want to run to her every time I don’t feel well, which is almost all the time now, or jeopardize the friendship I should be smart enough to know we’ll never have. Even Tom said he doesn’t think she had anything more in mind than an occasional phone call and email. This wasn’t the impression I got, but I’ve misinterpreted people before and I realize I could have her all wrong. I’ll just stick to my original plan and call her at the end of the year or the beginning of next if I don’t need her for the shit I’m going through.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 28, 2016
So I’m sitting there looking at my lab results and the range they want you in, and then it suddenly hit me… my T4 is normal. Always has been. Duh! Yeah, that’s how shitty I am with numbers. It’s 1.2. All hell breaks loose at 1.4. That’s when I have the anxiety that goes beyond anxiety and straight into the realm of terror where I’m afraid to be alone and swear I’m about to die. Only my TSH is a bit high. Not sure how one can be off while the other is normal, but apparently it can be.

Anyway, my only real complaint now is that the lightheadedness and fatigue seem to be returning. So am I going to be this way every other week or what?

Sadly, unfollowing the girls isn’t always enough to block their posts pertaining to their shit father from view. Not when Tammy comments on one of those posts anyway. My God, how can she stand to hear/see about him any more than I can? I know she’s more tolerant of abusers than I am, but still… I prefer sites where I have a little more control over what I see and who sees what of mine. True privacy may not really exist, but come on Facebook… do you really have to flag it in front of my face when someone comments/reacts to something/someone I can’t stand?

I really have to break the habit of absent-mindedly clicking onto that damn site. Politics, race, God, Bill… it’s all driving me nuts.

Gotta change the rats’ cage, do some skiing, and hope that the continuation of the Twenties’ project doesn’t wake me up.

SATURDAY, AUGUST 27, 2016
Not surprisingly, Tom can’t smell the super strong scent our latest laundry detergent has left on our clothes, but my bloodhound nose can. I don’t like it very much. I love smelly things, just not this particular smell.

I was shocked to find my lab results have already been posted. My cholesterol is still bad but better, and my thyroid is the same… borderline by their charts but PERFECT for me. Just 2 points higher on the T4 and 5 lower on the TSH and I would have the anxiety from hell.

I didn’t test positive for muscle inflammation. Yeah, that’s because I haven’t been taking the damn statins. I thought it was about time I gave her a heads-up rather than surprise her when I see her. This way we can hopefully save some time. So I told her my cholesterol is better because I made it better, and that I need a break from the medication issues for a while. Also, if I do return to statins I might want to go on Simvastatin because I’m pretty sure I didn’t have issues with that. My problem was the levothyroxine in conjunction with a rapid HR and perimenopause.

Didn’t know they tested for muscle inflammation. That’s good to know if I ever do go back on statins.

She said we’d discuss the thyroid at our appointment, but there’s nothing to “discuss.” I already made it clear to both her and O that 75mcgs is all I can tolerate. For a good long time, I want to go by how I feel and not by what their damn numbers say.

As for the female hormone test results… she didn’t leave any comments on that and I don’t understand what they mean for the most part. But one of them was high, and according to our research, the closer you get to menopause, the higher they go.

I’m 99% positive the Pravastatin did indeed cause the throat irritation she blames on anxiety, but there is the possibility that the fluoride toothpaste we got online could have worsened that. Even Tom stopped using it cuz he noticed it was making his toothache worse.

Nothing’s changed… I’m standing a firm ground and not likely to change my mind anytime soon. I really do need a break from the on-and-off medical drama I’ve been going through the last two years, and I don’t care anymore if Doc A believes me as far as the sore throat goes. I know what’s normal for me and what’s not, and I know what symptoms I usually experience when I do feel anxious. A sore throat isn’t one of them. Besides, isn’t it quite a coincidence that I get a sore throat both times I take the stuff? It’s listed as a side effect, the pharmacist knew what I was talking about when I asked her about it, and that’s that. Again, though, what she thinks or believes doesn’t matter. She works for me and I say I’m not changing my current protocols for a while. I will continue with the same levothyroxine dose and leave the rest alone for now. Then I’ll deal with the cholesterol after I’ve had more than just a few months of serenity.

I did tell her about Tammy (who said she feels the best she’s felt in months now that she’s been stented) but not the details, of course, until I see her next month.

Tammy may be doing better, but Paula’s in big trouble based on the nightmare I had about her. I don’t care what happens to her after the way she dumped me when I told her that staying with us for two weeks, as she automatically planned on doing, would be a bit long for everybody, but every time I would have a bad dream about her, something bad would always happen to her. Every. Single. Time.

In the dream, I was trying to explain something to her that she just didn’t get. Her stupidity frustrated me and reminded me of how slow Andy would be to catch onto things, though Andy was still much smarter than she ever was.

The dream took place in my grandparents’ house. We were sitting on the couch in their den (though they weren’t alive and living there). A guy who was slim but nearly as tall as the ceiling suddenly entered the room from the garage. Just as I was about to ask who the hell he was and why he was barging into the house uninvited, he yanked Paula up with one arm and hurled her into the wall between the garage entryway and the area where a built-in desk was located.

The force with which she hit the wall scared the shit out of me and I turned, ran out of the den, through the kitchen, and out the front door. My goal was to run next door for help, but I woke up as I was running across the front yard and about 10 steps from the road.

I don’t know what shit’s about to hit the fan in her life, but I have mentally dug a huge hole and tossed her, Andy, Nane, Maliheh and Alison right into it. Then I poured gasoline on the 5 of them, struck a match, and dropped it into that hole. Lastly, I have archived them as a thing of the past.

Had another weird dream about dad and his friend Jim, though I never did see dad.

I was in a huge house that seemed to have many bedrooms. My room was at one end of the place. You had to go down a set of stairs that was sort of in the middle of the house and then back upstairs to get to another set of bedrooms on the other side of the house. In one long room with a bathroom at the end of it were two double beds which I knew was my dad and Jim’s room. I also knew Jim’s bed was closest to the bathroom. I heard Jim in the bathroom (though I don’t know how I knew it was him) and hurried out of the room before he spotted me. I was just closing the bedroom door behind me when I heard the bathroom door opening.

Later…

Burke is hiding behind the toilet right now. I forgot about their open backs. I’m never having Amy’s TV dinners again either. I had one and my fucking stomach just had to go on the fritz while he was out. I was hanging on Tom’s bed with him. Not wanting to leave him there when my stomach cramped up, I took him into the bathroom where he ended up behind the toilet. There’s no way we can reach back there, so I might have to terrorize him out somehow. IDK, maybe with bug spray?

Back a little later, and yeah, I had to spray him out. Fortunately, it takes a helluva lot more than that to harm a rat. But he sure didn’t like the smell. So I got him out, brought him home, and now he’s begging for the treat he’s not getting.

We made another Amazon order and I got some weird stuff that oughta be interesting. A 12-pack of mood-changing lipsticks that’s color is based on your body chemistry (shades of reds and pinks). The tubes have pretty follower designs and the lipsticks appear to be in an assortment of colors from red to green and blue to purple.

I also got a temperature-changing mug. The mug looks black and then has streaks of colors when filled with a hot drink.

Then I got a pink vibrator that charges via USB (vibes have come a long way since the ‘80s), and a necklace with real pressed flowers embedded in clear resin.

Lastly, I got a variety of incense and a dozen color-changing solar lights to stake in around the front of the place for decoration. It’s amazing how they need no wiring or electricity.

FRIDAY, AUGUST 26, 2016
Went to the lab and they were just a few minutes late for my appointment. I told the girl up front that she needed to use a butterfly needle on me, and all went smoothly. Now I just have to hope the numbers aren’t too bad.

I’m a little concerned about Tom and his infected teeth. He’s had issues on and off for years and has lost some teeth over the years due to not keeping up on them. He has the same phobia of dentists as I do with eye doctors. I think it’s getting to be time, though, when he really needs to get things taken care of. He’s a little worried about sedation as an adult with a low HR and would feel safer being sedated in a hospital with MDs, not just a dentist. I get his fears. We always worry and hope that the doctors we see really know what they’re doing. I just hate to see him keep suffering.

After the lab, we went to Carl’s and I had more cholesterol than I’ve had in a month, LOL. Damn, was that burger and fries good!

Then we went to Target. I guess 12 is the new 2. It’s frustrating and sad with all the brats that carry on like wild animals in today’s world, and it’s not just little kids anymore. You’ve got tweens running through the stores screaming their asses off. It’s just ridiculous that one can’t even shop in peace anymore. At least not here you can’t. Oh, to move to Maui. :)

Anyway, since he’s working tomorrow and doing the regular grocery shopping on Sunday instead, we only grabbed a small basket of things.

I didn’t find the particular sports bra I was looking for, but I did help an Asian mom who just moved to the US (at least 3 more foreigners to add to the overcrowding and our overburdened resources) with American clothing sizes.

I was also looking for a midi ring yet they had not one single ring for sale in the whole damn store. I was surprised. Of course if I weren’t looking for one they’d have tons of them. Isn’t that how it usually works?

The workers tore the whole front and side off of the Twenties’ place, and let me guess… it’s going to be one or two more weeks that I’ll have to listen to this project? Maybe three? I’m sure God’s making sure they’re here at least one whole week while I’m right smack on days.

Well, at night when it’s more peaceful and there are fewer distractions I’m working on my Tumblr voice blog. It’s been a fun, unique and interesting way of journaling.

I just wish I were a little more awake! I gotta get out for at least a short run and do some core exercises. I didn’t work out at all the last two days and I don’t like to take more than two days off.

THURSDAY, AUGUST 25, 2016
So first I thought Tammy had a heart attack, then I thought she was just close to having one, but today I talked to her now that she’s home and stabilized and yes she did. The heart attack was not only happening when the paramedics picked her up Thursday morning but a few days before this as well.

She had jaw and upper back pain. I remember reading an article about a woman who had these pains and didn’t know why. She kept taking pain relievers to get rid of the pain. She eventually went to the ER and the doctor told her it was a good thing she came in because she was having a heart attack.

As I told her today on the phone, I’ve had a feeling for years now that I would eventually die of a heart attack or stroke as opposed to cancer or an accident or anything else. I’ve also had a bad feeling for her for when she’s around 63, but I don’t have a 100% accuracy rate so that leaves room for hope. Maybe nothing significant will happen to her at that time.

I wonder about those little things we can’t always be sure of, though. At least not unless it kills us. Like that 20 seconds or so of cramps that shot through my left chest last night. It seemed to be behind my boob. At this point, I still think my heart and arteries are fine, especially since the carotid ultrasound didn’t show anything scary, but she urged me to get checked nonetheless. I’ll eventually have a cardiologist to a stress test on me. Heart disease does run rampant in our family and has been the cause of death for almost everyone in the family that I know of. I’d be willing to bet just about anything it would’ve taken out Larry had he not gotten liver cancer first. My problem is that I’m sensitive to medication, so treatment isn’t always an option for me.

Anyway, we were both feeling a little anxious when I called her. Her because she sees the heart doctor tomorrow, me probably because of the perimenopause. It was nothing scary, just a slight elevation being a little over 100 BPM. BP was great today, though, at 115. Tammy and I helped calm each other down just by chatting.

She told me more of what she went through… how scared she was, how they tried to insert the stents into her wrist but had to go through her groin. How she had a nice view from her private room, but couldn’t get much sleep there because they were always waking her up to do something. A nurse will be going to her house.

It brings tears to my eyes to think of all she’s gone through and she’s not even 60 yet. As she admitted, though, it’s been a scary ordeal. As I tell her, she’s still the stronger one.

She loves the flowers, she told me. She sees flowers like I would see a bunch of perfume or a really nice, realistic-looking doll. It’s a good thing I knew her favorite color is purple otherwise she would’ve gotten rainbow roses. She’d have liked those too, though, and damn was they gorgeous! The only ones I considered ugly were the giant sunflowers in a brown vase that matched the centers of the flowers. White, yellow and orange flowers never appealed to me. I’m more of a pink and purple person with some blues and reds.

Anyway, I’m glad that for right now my worst problem is hammering at the Twenties, and a very definite “menopot.” Seriously, LOL, I have never been this bloated in my life. Any more and I’ll barely be able to bend over. Tom and Stacey may not think so but I think I look like shit. Not the worst in the world mind you, but shitty enough. If I haven’t had a period by around September 10th, though, I’m going to think this could be it.

Hitting the lab tomorrow afternoon and one of the tests will be my estrogen levels. Hopefully the idiots will post the numbers online like they’re supposed to instead of waiting for days and eventually calling me, and I’ll get a sense of just how far into the perimenopause I am, but at this point, I can’t believe I’ve got much further to go… or that I’ll ever be under a size 10-12 again.

Haven’t had any dizziness or fatigue (other than a little fatigue from not sleeping well) in about a week, and I wonder if that one Benadryl was more helpful than I realized. But my ear still aches more often than it should, and I wake up more often than I should, too. Maybe I’ll take lorazepam before bed so I’m more likely to wake up less often. Even if I don’t refill my prescription, I might as well use what I have when I feel I could benefit from it.

I think that pretty much covers everything for now. I don’t care about what my estrogen score is, but I sure do worry about the TSH, T4, and lipid panel. The only one I expect to really flunk out on those is the lipid. And then I’m going to have one hell of a cholesterol-fueled party for a day or two and then jump on the Slim Fast or Special K diet…maybe. I can’t force weight off that my body doesn’t want to give up no matter how much I may diet and exercise.

The Mayo Clinic (or was it WebMD?) recommends smaller more frequent meals for the menopot problem I’m having, but that’s not any easier to stick to than larger less frequent meals. You go crazy with hunger due to the waiting time between the larger less frequent meals as you do with skimpy little meals that are just never enough to fill you up. Oh well. Cheeseburgers first, diet plans later. :)

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 24, 2016
Tammy got the flowers and says they’re gorgeous. I’m glad they made it to her! She deserves them.

Had a near-perfect upper BP number reading at 121. Yes!

Got a lab appointment for 4:00 on Friday. Not looking forward to it and dreading the numbers, as always, but certainly they can’t be that bad. My hair’s growing too fast to be low on thyroid, and I remember phone numbers too easily, LOL. I’m more worried about cholesterol numbers.

Did a 32-min RV walk last night. My HR peaked at 142. The beauty and serenity of the park at night helps make up for the daytime annoyances, and damn are there many! Yeah, it’s not a very thrilling thing having to wake up to tons of hammering. God, I am SICK to death of there being one thing after another going on here! We can’t even go two whole weeks without having to hear someone working on something.

Anyway, they’re repairing the damaged wood that the termites destroyed at the Twenties, and I’m sure next comes the tenting. Then maybe they’ll put up a garage. Then maybe they’ll redo their landscaping… and this is along with what everyone else around us decides to make us listen to. Oh, to live in a place that when someone has something worked on, you don’t have to know about it. A true fantasy, I know.

So glad I got up at 1pm and not 7am. I’m sure the hammering had to have been going on all day. The question is how many weeks with this particular project take?

Right now the only annoyances are the blasting freeway stereos.

I wonder just how noisy Stacey’s neighborhood is. It looks like there would be plenty of screaming kids, barking dogs, and probably stereos, too.

In fact, I wonder a lot more than that. I asked Tom if he thought I’d ever hear from Stacey if she didn’t hear from me first. I personally have my doubts since people don’t usually take the initiative upon themselves to seek me out first. It’s only after I’ve sought them out that I may or may not hear from them. Believe me, a part of me is tempted to listen to my head and forget her since that’s how you get stuck dealing with the Alisons of the world.

But Stacey isn’t Alison. Not even close.

Anyway, Tom thinks that yes, in 6 months to a year, I’ll hear from her.

What I wonder, though, is if I hear from her… how would we work things out? If she wanted a friendship with me, how would we get any alone time? I have no problem with Tom, or even her husband, being around some of the time. But I would like to have her to myself for the most part and I just wonder how we’d make this happen. Other than when Tom works a Saturday here and there or is out running errands, he’s always home on weekends, which is when Stacey’s not working. So would she bring me to her place? And would her husband always be there?

Also, there’s the issue of driving. Driving to pick me up and bring me to her place and then back again would mean spending 1.5 hours on the road. Would I really be worth that to her?

Had an interesting chat with Jen on Facebook. This is the Jen who was just 9 years old at the time I lived next to her and her large family at the NHA projects in Connecticut. The family that drove me batshit crazy with their thunderous noise, that never let me sleep, and that ultimately ran me into the ground both emotionally and physically. The whole place did. Between that and still smoking with bad allergies and asthma, I had a total meltdown and ended up in the psych ward for about a week before my father shipped me to Andy in Arizona. Ten days later I got my own studio and then I met Tom after nearly a year.

Jenny lived with her 3 older brothers and parents at the NHA back in 1992. I was 26 and her mother Barbara was 31. I swear that despite all the complaining I do about any noise here, this place is totally comatose compared to how the NHA was. The walls were so fucking thin that when their phone would ring I would think it was mine.

Despite having only a few years in my entire life where I thought I might want a kid, and mostly finding them to be loud, annoying, uncivilized and costly little brats, I’ve always kind of had a way with kids. They’ve always seemed to be drawn to me. Perhaps because I’m small? Or maybe cuz I like bright colors like they do? shrugs Who knows? Whatever the case, they would constantly be at my door and sometimes I’d let them hang out at my place. Good luck to me as far as getting any peace outdoors, though, for they would be just as quick to flock around me and smother me as soon as they’d see me.

Barbara had a “tough” reputation and when she finally got fed up with me complaining about her and Dave not controlling their unruly brood, she flew over to my place in a rage, but of course I wouldn’t dare open the door. I was in good shape then, yes, but at barely 5 feet, 90 pounds soaking wet, I wasn’t about to face off with one that had a few inches and dozens of pounds on me, especially when I was sicker than a dog. I was exhausted as hell and wheezing my ass off with an asthma attack that soon landed me in the ER.

With my combination of good long-term memory and expert journal keeping, I looked her up on Facebook just for kicks and gave her the piece of mind I always wanted to give the coward who sued a tobacco company for millions when she got cancer of the larynx in the late 90s and had one of those things stuck in her throat. I don’t know what they’re called. It makes people sound funny when they talk. Tammy would probably know what it is. Anyway, I had said something like, “Come threaten this presently fit, muscular, healthy, smoke-free AND fat bitch now, Barbara.”

It was a few years ago that I read about her lawsuit and at first I was pissed. She chose to smoke and got millions from doing it while we lived in poverty for years… WTF?

For the longest time, I always felt that if there was a God up there, it’s always protected my perps by making sure I either couldn’t fight back or they were out of reach to at least try to. They always remained unpunished and karma always seemed to conveniently forget them. But then I realized that maybe this was to protect me. I mean of course if someone robbed me I’d want them to pay for it… but think about it, I told myself. What if you could have taken her that day she came screaming to your door. What would you have done? Well, the answer’s obvious… I wouldn’t have just stood there. I probably would’ve kicked the shit out of her and ended up in jail. Would I harm her now if she suddenly appeared before me? Naw, not without being threatened in some way. Then yes, you bet I’d open that door real damn fast no matter how shitty I felt. The older me gets pissed a lot quicker and easier when it comes to bullies whereas the younger me tended to get scared. Trust me, if Rick and Rosemarie paid me the same visit they paid me in Phoenix, I’d be in jail right now. Same goes for the black bitch next to Tom and I a few years later. Our local crazy war vet was a little scary at times, though, but only at first. Once my fear turned to anger, she was smart enough to back off.

I’ll never understand some people, though. How can you provoke people and then act like they’re the ones picking on you when you finally push them enough to get a reaction from them? Really, I hope no one makes any direct threats or tries to harm today’s me unless they’re either very tough or very armed because yes, I will rip them to shreds in a heartbeat. No more shying away and sending the wrong message. Ok, so there are some limits. If today’s disabled Barbara threatened me, then no. It takes a real coward to attack someone you know damn well you could hurt.

Back to Barbara. Well, today I got a message from Jen and at first she was very defensive and not the least bit friendly. She asked who I was and I told her. She then told me that her mother didn’t remember me. I wasn’t surprised. So many people will make casual threats and then forget all about them and the people they threatened (or sought legal revenge on), but the people they threaten never forget them. Really, I don’t think people realize the magnitude of destruction on one’s life you can have with your quick little fits of anger and your “easy” jabs of vengeance. They get on with their lives while others are left to pay for their actions be it with just shitty memories or a huge loss of money and freedom. Trying to tell these people, “It’s in the past and can’t be undone,” doesn’t always resolve the issue for them and achieve closure within their minds. Sometimes it can be like trying to tell a rape victim to just “get over it.”

It felt good to speak my mind and get things off my chest, as silly as it may seem to some people, and even though it’s ancient history.

They got a kick out of some of the journals I shared from those days and we ended up having a few laughs. Barbara remembered me from my pictures and said I was short and cute, and she kinda remembered the grease fire incident too, LOL. Tammy probably does as well. She volunteered with the fire/ambulance department at the time and heard the call go out over the scanner.

As we were discussing, I think Barbara was worried about me catching Dave’s eye, but honestly, I not only respect other people’s relationships, but I also wasn’t the least bit interested in him. Yeah, I was attractive back in those days. I knew it and so did other people. Stacey may think it a shame that today I call myself fat and ugly, but well, I kinda am compared to then, haha.

Barbara and Jen now live in Florida but Dave’s still up north. We all agreed it was now water under the bridge. There are only about a dozen or so people I could never forgive even with the most heartfelt of apologies and a few of them are already dead.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 23, 2016
Tammy’s home! I don’t know why I thought she was to have a 12-hour operation. Maybe I misunderstood her? The installing of the stents was actually a quick and simple procedure. Sarah updated me yesterday to let me know that she was doing great and able to get around. Hopefully, this will help her to become more active. Being forced to just sit around doing nothing is no way to live. Honestly, I’d rather die than be in a wheelchair for life if those were my only options. Anyway, I guess they placed one stent in in the daytime, then another late at night.

Not judging her way of thinking and believing, of course, but not surprisingly, she’s thanking God for having her saved in the nick of time. Yeah, that’s great if one exists, but wouldn’t it be nice if it stopped picking on her in the first place? You can’t ignore the fact that she’s had one problem after the other and there’s no point in trying to kid ourselves about it or “justify” it in any way like some people would do by saying, “Oh, He’s just testing me,” or something like that. I mean, that was a helluva test! I personally would be pretty fucking pissed if I were dragged that close to death and scared shitless along the way, and I sure was when I thought that was exactly what was happening a couple of years ago. I felt like something was teasing me with life and death and I was like, will you just kill me already if you’re going to?!

She advised me to tell Dr. A, saying it’s something you either have or you don’t… even if you work out. Yeah, I know, but is it what Dad had or could any of it be from smoking? I wonder this and I asked her to let me know when she gets the chance, and how she knew it was time to call the paramedics. I just wonder what her symptoms were. I’m guessing chest pain and trouble breathing but look at me two years ago. I thought I was having a heart attack and needed to call them. Instead, I ended up costing us a few hundred bucks all for nothing. Better to be safe than sorry, but I’d really rather not repeat this mistake.

I intend to tell Dr. A, as I do keep her up to date on the family (what’s left of it), but I’m not worried about myself right now, even if I know no one’s invincible. It’s just that with the way medication and I don’t usually get along, I’d rather die younger than take medication that’s either going to make me think it’s going to kill me or maybe even wish that it would.

Her flowers should arrive tomorrow. We ordered 20 purple flowers in a purple vase since purple is her favorite color. Cost a ridiculous $71, but she deserves it and I know she’ll love it.

The good news is that I haven’t been dizzy or fatigued since Friday. The bad is that it’s been noisy the last few days, as usual. The typical landscaping, traffic and project annoyances. Yesterday it was door-slamming day. Today was hammering day.

Walked outdoors yesterday evening, said hello to Geri along the way, and will probably do the same tonight. I did an office walk. I call each route a different name, depending on where in the park I go and how long I feel like walking. A duck walk is the shortest route we take. Then there’s an office walk, an RV walk, and a perimeter walk. My hip joints have been doing great. I walked for 30 minutes and my HR peaked at 149.

Despite my best efforts at working out and portion control, I’m the fattest I’ve ever been. I now usually wake up at 153-154. I’m sure the 140s are a definite thing of the past by now as me losing 5 pounds is like a young person losing 50. It’s just not going to happen. So I guess in my 30s I could still lose weight. In my 40s I could maintain it. In my 50s I probably won’t be able to stop gaining. I know I’m going to crash into the 160s sooner or later. The question is how high will it go before I die? 160s? 180s? 200? Higher?

I sure have been doing a lot of driving in my dreams lately. I was driving Tom and I somewhere, only the wheel was on the other side like in England. Suddenly, the seat was too far back and my feet could barely reach the pedals. I stopped the car and Tom got out. Then he came around to my side, sure that he could solve the problem simply by placing a wad of Kleenex under my foot.

MONDAY, AUGUST 22, 2016
I might have been mistaken in saying Tammy had a heart attack when in fact she was very close to having one. Either way, it’s a serious matter. Sarah updated me today and said she’s doing well and they caught the two blocked arteries before it could turn into a massive heart attack, but they haven’t put the stents in yet.

I also might be mistaken in assuming it’s what Dad had. According to my research, it could be because she smokes, but we may never know for sure. It’s probably a combination of both.

Tom’s abscessed tooth is infected again and I’m wondering how much time he’s got left before he’s going to have no choice but to deal with dentists despite his phobia. He would opt to be knocked out and have everything done at once.

Rachel suggested I could have leaky gut, something Tom and I never heard of till she shared a link about it. I do seem to have many of the symptoms, but I’m not worried about it right now.

I’ve had two wonderful days without lightheadedness or fatigue, but wouldn’t be surprised if it didn’t last much longer than a week or so if even that.

There is a white pickup and a white van working on something at the Twenties today (probably exterminators) and annoying me by slamming doors. I still don’t understand why people don’t just leave their vehicle doors open if they know they’re going to be going in and out of them. Of course one of them is parked alongside our carport, too.

We headed to the clubhouse last Sunday and were surprised to find both parking lots in front and at the side deserted. So was the pool. That pretty much told us something… that the water was chilly, and it was. We still took a quick dip anyway, and the sun felt so good, too.

On our way there, we exchanged hellos with Jon who was seeing some woman off.

“I always want to call him Mr. Twenties when I see him,” I said to Tom.

“Aren’t you glad I didn’t say, hi Z-man,” Tom said.

LOL, their network handle is that.

Last night I dreamed I was driving a car that got stranded at an intersection. I didn’t have my phone and I tried to wave down the two female cops that passed me, but they didn’t see me. I rolled down my window and asked the guy who walked by if he had a phone and could call for help. At first he didn’t seem interested in helping me and actually seemed annoyed. Just as I was about to cuss him out, he pulled a phone out of his pocket and called for help.

Then I had another dream where it snowed here. A lot. :(

SUNDAY, AUGUST 21, 2016
Started off my day with some very sad and scary news. I’d just gotten up. It was a little after 11pm and I saw I had a VM. My first thought is Tammy when I see I have VMs since I don’t use my phone that often. But since we recently talked I hoped it might be Stacey if it wasn’t a wrong number. Well, it was Tammy only I couldn’t understand a single word she said. It sounded totally under water, but I could tell by her tone that something was wrong.

So I called her back to learn that she suffered a heart attack and is in the hospital. :( It’s been going on for a while, too. They misdiagnosed her, telling her she had pneumonia when all this time it was really massive fluid building up around her heart and lungs. Had they done a chest x-ray, they’d have caught it right away. She’s extremely lucky she didn’t have a massive heart attack. Otherwise, she’s not the least bit lucky. She said something about realizing she was in trouble at 4am and calling the paramedics. I don’t know what her symptoms were but I guess she might have had trouble breathing. Anyway, having a medical background, she knew she was in trouble just by what the paramedics were doing.

She also said something about them putting in a stent due to arterial blockage and that tomorrow she’ll be in surgery for 11-12 hours to drain all the fluid and I’m not sure what else. Open-heart surgery is also a possibility later on.

Basically, it’s the same shit that Dad had and that Larry probably would have had if his liver hadn’t killed him first and that will probably come for me too, eventually.

As we agreed, I contacted the girls and Norma and asked that they leave updates on the feed.

For now, all we can do is wait and hope for the best. We feel hopeful that she’ll pull through not only because she’s a pretty damn tough woman, but because they didn’t do emergency surgery right away. OMG, though. I thought something was picking on my health.

I had no warnings in my dreams. The only dream I had that she was in was at a restaurant. Mom and Dad drove me to meet her, a couple of other people, and Lisa, at a restaurant. Only Lisa was young again, like 9 or 10. Dad was asking me something about what I wanted to eat on the way there. I said something like, “Well, since I recently had that huge chicken dinner you got me, maybe just a few pieces of chicken would be good.”

She can’t be too out of it, though, cuz she just checked into Facebook and my blog as well. Norma and Becky responded to my messages but not Sarah. Wait! Sarah just said she’s doing great, they caught the two blocked arteries in time, and she should be home by Tuesday. That’s a relief to hear!

There I was worried that Bill’s spirit may come after me. I don’t think anyone’s spirit, if they really exist, went after her. Again, if the dead could affect the living, then people wouldn’t suffer nearly as much as they do. Bill couldn’t fuck her up any more than Dad could’ve prevented this if they were out there somewhere. But is there a God that could have? I guess we’ll never know.

It dampens my trust in doctors even more. So often do they misdiagnose people that it’s kinda scary.

This is the kind of thing that makes me want to lash out at Alison for not being there for me, and also go running to Stacey. For now, I’m not going to do anything but wait… and hope…

Tom’s taking a nap now. I had a headache around my eyes and placed a warm cloth over them for a few minutes. These seemed to help relieve the pressure. My vision is getting shittier and shittier.

Back to Aly… yeah, I wanted to blast the bitch, but I’m determined not to waste time on those that don’t give a shit about me. She sure blasted me in my dreams last night and Tom wouldn’t even defend me. I guess she was our neighbor. I accidentally received some torn mail of hers and she accused me of reading her mail when I went to give it to her. She went off on me while Tom just stood there never saying a word. He would probably act that way for real. He never was good at defending me. Just others. I never could figure that out either. As loving, helpful and supportive as he is, he rarely defends me to others, but he sure is quick to defend and make excuses for anyone I bitch about.

As for Stacey… I want to go running to her, yes, but I don’t want to run to her every time something bad happens, and I don’t want to jeopardize a chance of a possible friendship with her no matter how slim or even non-existent those chances may be. At the same time, I realize that as long as I’m seeing her every now and then it doesn’t matter if it’s in her office, here, her place, a store or a restaurant. I’m still hoping I won’t need her as a therapist, and therefore I don’t expect to ever see her again. I’ll probably still call at some point, even if I probably shouldn’t bother.

SATURDAY, AUGUST 20, 2016
So after Alison took a break from Twitter for 5 days, she checks in to follow somebody and then changes her link. Kim did the same thing a day or two earlier. Why the fuck did she ask me to resend my message to her if she knew she was just going to run and hide? I am definitely now as over her as one can get. I don’t need the drama. I don’t need the games. I don’t need the lies. I definitely don’t need to associate with anyone connected to someone like Kim and probably still Molly as well.

Molly’s got to be viewing me under radar. I can’t believe she would suddenly lose interest in me just because I’m not connected to Alison anymore.

But if they were going to hide on Twitter, so was I, and no I’m not going to hunt their latest account down either. I didn’t have any followers they could trace me through, so there’s no way they could find my newest and final account.

So that pretty much sums it up… We’re done. A hundred percent totally done. Where I worried I wouldn’t be smart enough to ignore her if she ever contacted me in the future, there’s certainly nothing to worry about now. I won’t be too nice and too forgiving which basically means being too stupid. I will simply do the smart thing and ignore her.

If I were really smart Stacey would never hear from me again unless I needed her as a therapist. I’m not stupid. I know the so-called rules on me be it happenstance or fate. I know that despite the obvious signs that were there saying that she likes me as well, there’s no way she’s going to be my friend. I’m sure she’s “thought about it” and has decided to remain as professional as ever. Meanwhile, I’m welcome to see her at the office, just like she said, but I really shouldn’t bother trying or hoping for anything more than that.

If she does like me as much as I suspect she might, does she think of me as much as I think of her? If I’ve told a few people about her, has she told anyone about me? I still doubt she’s as into me as I am into her or else she wouldn’t be able to resist checking up on me online, including my blog. Maybe she has and isn’t admitting it, though I can’t believe she’d kid me about something like that. There’s more that suggests she likes me than that suggests she doesn’t, but will she ever act on it? If she does like me but would rather see me at her office than anywhere else, I wish I could know that. I’d see her every few months now that I know she wouldn’t mind, and Tom even suggested this if I ran into trouble again in the future. I just wish I knew what she was thinking in order to plan my next move… maybe. Again, what’s the point?

Today is the best I’ve felt in days. It’s wonderful to have my energy back! I finished the housecleaning and had plenty of energy left over. I definitely have to stop breaking up with the Flintstones. I can still feel fatigued at times even on vitamins, but I think they really did make more of a difference than I realized before I stopped taking them.

I don’t even feel light-headed. The lightheadedness and dizziness seem to go hand-in-hand for some reason. Not knowing how long my energy will last; I’m definitely going to make the most of it. This means we will probably be going swimming this afternoon regardless of any brats that may be there that aren’t supposed to be after 1pm.

Part of why I feel so much perkier may be that I slept so much better last night. I almost always wake up several times, but I didn’t last night. Perhaps that’s because I indulged in lorazepam before bed for the first time in a while. This was due to having trouble sleeping.

Blood pressure was 122/77 yesterday and I didn’t have a fever, even though it is possible to have an infection without a fever. When my back molar got infected that the county quack pulled, I had pain but no fever.

Got some more energy-boosting foods like apples, peach parfait cups, and spinach, but thanks to Rachel, I was reminded that some of those foods block thyroid hormones, so I have to go easy on certain foods. Especially with labs just 10 days away.

FRIDAY, AUGUST 19, 2016
I haven’t been writing much because I’ve been feeling so shitty. I almost called Tammy to bitch about it, but she has her own problems. It’s getting to be more and more of a struggle for me to keep up with my daily activities. I have to stop and take breaks a lot, even when there’s so much work to be done. It’s all the more reason I want to slap those that bash homemakers. It is a huge HUGE job as there is always so, so much work, even when there are just two of you.

I feel like my health is going down the drain fast and I don’t know what the hell to do about it. I have labs in a couple of weeks, then I see Dr. A after that, but I don’t know if she’s going to be able to help me or not. No matter how much sleep I get, I’m horribly run down. I’m dizzy, I’m warm, I’m feverish, and sometimes my heart races and I have the runs. Well, not totally the runs but kind of in between, as gross as it sounds.

Same thing happened today. I was tired and dizzy as usual, but I also felt warm and flustered with an HR between 110-116. Also felt a bit weak and winded, but then I hit the toilet and I felt a little better afterward. Still a little run down and lightheaded, but a little better.

I just wish I knew what the hell was causing this. We’re still leaning towards a combination of perimenopause, PMS and allergies. I wondered if my high BP could be a factor, but there have been times when it’s been low and I still felt dizzy, and then there’s been times when it’s been high and I didn’t feel dizzy. We’ve ruled out an infection as being likely since some days are better than others, and infections simply don’t take a day off. I just hope it’s nothing serious. I know I have to die someday anyway, but I would still prefer another 20 or 30 years of life.

My upper BP was 158 two days ago, but it was 134 yesterday, and that’s the lowest it’s been since we started monitoring it.

“You’re stronger than you think and more capable than you know,” she told me. Funny cuz I don’t always feel that way. I just miss having an overabundance of energy. I feel more tired now with my thyroid treated than before I was diagnosed. My stomach is still a little iffy, too. I keep hoping that someday I will get better and there won’t be one thing after another. I also remind myself that this is better than the killer anxiety that I was having, and while that may be true, suffering is still suffering. So why compare when bad is bad?

Believe it or not, I kind of miss my treadmill so I did a few minutes on that which is basically all I could do at the moment. If I can ever get my energy back maybe I’ll mix it up and do 15 minutes on the Bowflex, 15 minutes on the treadmill, and then 15 more on the skier.

Tom has been working overtime like crazy. Some hotshots are going through the place now. Really wish that job would let him work normal hours because I’m tired of being alone so much, even if I might not be much fun to be around. Not many of us are pleasant when we’re not feeling all that great.

Again I restarted my vitamins, but don’t know how much good it’s going to do me. Anything I can think of to try to help myself, I’m going to do it. I’m willing to do almost anything at this point. I looked up energy-boosting foods. The thing is that I already eat some of them. But I can always add the sweet potatoes and the spinach, right?

Yesterday I felt worse in the morning than in the afternoon, though I never really felt much better until the end of my day. That’s when I took a Benadryl to see if it would help. I’m not sure if it’s made much difference but my ear is less achy. I took it before bed because it always knocks me out. It didn’t help me to sleep sounder, though. I still woke up a lot. The only problem with Benadryl is that it can cause you to sleep forever. I slept on and off for something like 10 hours when I usually need about 8.

Despite not feeling great, I did some more reorganizing around here yesterday. This time I concentrated mostly on the hutch drawers and cabinets.

Cappy was pretty funny the other day when Burke was out and about. Burke walked up to his cage where they went nose-to-nose. Cappy tried to grab him when he got close enough and it was funny because it looked like he was throwing a punch at him.

Had a dream Stacey was driving us somewhere. Although I don’t know what it was she said, I laughed and said, “You sound like a psychologist.”

Hmm… mean anything? I don’t want to get my hopes up because I haven’t been very psychic lately in my sleep. I’ve gotten win notices that never panned out in my dreams, and I never had nightmares warning me about Tammy’s last allergy attack, both uncharacteristic of me.

I exited a cab in another dream and walked into a pizza parlor. I ordered a pizza and the guy said they were out of the veggies I wanted it topped with so he substituted it with other veggies. He asked if that was ok and I said, “I hope so. The pizza’s for my niece, not for me.” Then I realized I’d left my keys in the cab.

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 17, 2016
Where yesterday was Tammy’s birthday, today’s her anniversary. Mark told us that August was a romantic month for him. Well, it’s certainly been a fun month for me with some rather interesting revelations. :-)

Despite all the fun, it hasn’t been without some annoyances. The water is off yet AGAIN from 8-4 today, though they were late in turning it off. All these water outages are just fucking ridiculous. The park may not be responsible for the poor installation that was done when the park was built in the ‘70s, but the fact that it hasn’t been fixed yet is pretty pathetic. So between that and all the landscaping noise, I wish we could move at times, but I just don’t know where we could go that would be any better, or even if we could afford to move right now.

My top BP number was 138 yesterday. Much better than the 150s and 160s, but I still worry that my “white coat hypertension” may have taken off its coat.

I’m carrying enough water to look like I could win Miss Beach Whale 2016, but don’t have enough estrogen to trigger a period. At least not yet anyway.

As for that kick-ass immune system of mine that even kills what it’s not supposed to? Well, Tom and I are both coming down with colds. Shall I go on with the fatigue, lightheadedness and achy ear? I woke up with a sore throat and while that much is a little better, my head still feels funny. Sort of like it’s under pressure or something.

Still enjoying the skier, but I wish it had a wider stride. I don’t have long legs, but I’m pretty flexible. I don’t think I’ll do much working out today, though, because of how I feel. I’m seriously getting tired of being so rundown so often. I feel like the old lady that I’m not at times. I used to have an abundance of energy almost all the time. Now I’m lucky if I have good energy just half of the time. :(

TUESDAY, AUGUST 16, 2016
Wished Tammy a happy birthday, then got on with the usual mix of work and lightheadedness. Today and yesterday haven’t been as bad as Sunday was. Just gotta accept that this may be the way I am now and adapt. Part of adapting means I just keep on chugging along and living my life. I hope the dizzies go away for good someday, but maybe they won’t. That’s why I gotta learn to function with it or else I’ll just lay around and get nothing done. I hate lying around for too long anyway. I’m too restless. I think that’s why I could never stand to sit out in the sun long enough to tan, even though all I do is burn and get sun poisoning. I like to move and to be doing things. Just sitting for hours, even with a good book, just isn’t me.

Normal BP doesn’t seem to be me anymore either. The top number was 158 yesterday. :(

Another thing I gotta get used to is this ear. I don’t know why it’s been driving me crazy more often these last few months, but even with regular oiling, it still aches half the time. Makes me wonder what the point of having doctors is if I’m still going to be in pain and be dizzy.

I’m pretty fed up with this fucking park. AGAIN they’re going to turn our water off tomorrow for up to 8 hours. As I told Tom, I can’t deal with this shit for another 8 years or so until you retire. We gotta start looking for another place. I don’t know that we can find a place much quieter, but it would be nice if we could get situated where there wasn’t so much traffic, especially that ran alongside the bedrooms.

I’ve heard the usual annoyances… a woodchipper off in the distance and landscaping. I don’t understand the constant tree-cutting that goes on here. I’ve lived in two other states that also had a generous amount of trees yet people weren’t sawing the shit out of them like crazy. I’ve heard more saws in the 9 years we’ve been in this state than in my entire life combined.

So far I’ve worked out and cleaned the master bedroom and bath. I edited my last book, but have been slacking off on my current one. Gotta get on with that soon.

Played with Burke a bit, too. Never thought he would be so much fun! He explored, took a mini nap under the footrest, and then we played before I sent him home with a treat. At that time I let him pick what he wants directly from the container that I hold out to him. So cute!

It hasn’t even been a week since I saw Stacey and I already miss her. While the mystery and the surprise may be fun, sometimes I wish I knew exactly what was on her mind. While her body language and some of the things she said certainly suggest a mutual liking, there were a couple of things that made me wonder. The way she hesitated after I said, “You don’t think so?” after she said she thought it was a shame that I thought I was fat and ugly. Did she not want to agree with me so that I wouldn’t get the wrong idea about her? Or did I just put her on the spot? That’s the one thing I wish I hadn’t said either way.

She also asked me if I would be okay with it if I didn’t get what I was looking for. Was this a test to make sure I wasn’t overly desperate? Or did she sense that I like her and know we would never really meet and therefore want to know that I wouldn’t be too upset by it?

Hey, I don’t expect to meet either way. I’m still a pessimist and I’m still going by past experience. There’s only one thing that’s ever happened with a woman that I really liked and wanted for either a friendship or something more… nothing. Why would I think that at half a century Stacey would change that?

MONDAY, AUGUST 15, 2016
Nothing from Aly, but I don’t think she’s ignoring me so much as she’s as busy as I wished she would be when she used to pester me for texts. She’s doing a lot of nannying. If her tweets are as honest as I at least think they are, she’s been doing that and also being paid to walk her neighbor’s dogs.

Wanting to see if Kim also blocked me from the dozen or so other accounts of hers I found through Aly and blocked, I checked Aly’s follower list. The accounts are gone. I’m guessing this means she changed the links? She missed a couple of them, though.

Again, I wonder… is Aly worth it with Kim in the picture? Is Aly worth it just knowing what a liar she can be? Well, we’ll see what, if anything, she has to say about my message to her.

LOL, somebody’s getting a little too used to his freedom. Love how Burkey Boy also likes to interact and play with me and not just roam around. The others have no interest in leaving home, but that’s ok. One very fast, curious and playful rat is enough of a handful for me. :)

I felt like shit yesterday. I was super dizzy and fatigued. Felt better after I tossed down one of those deep-dish pizzas for one. A connection? IDK, but I’m documenting everything I feel and do to try to figure out what triggers it and what helps it since I think it’s pretty safe to assume Dr. A isn’t going to do much for me. I guess I’ll find that out for sure next month when I go to the lab and see her. The only problem is that I would still be afraid to take anything for it.

Will be documenting my BP, too. Really hope the top number being high isn’t the new norm for me, but I have a feeling it is. Tammy confirmed that Dad had high BP. Thought he did.

We may get smarter with age, but we definitely don’t get healthier, LOL. Oh, I’m still pretty strong and fit for my age, but everything’s either too high or too low. Low thyroid, high cholesterol, low estrogen, high BP.

I miss the days of not knowing what an autoimmune disease was, having never heard of Hashimoto’s, and not giving a millisecond of thought to things like cholesterol and BP.

Life is otherwise totally awesome and in every way I’m not so lucky I’m lucky in 100 ways. :) Did some cleaning, some writing, and a handful of other things. I think I’ll go skiing to my show soon.

First, last night I dreamed that Doc O was driving us somewhere. Although very knowledgeable and helpful in her field, she had a bit of a stern personality and I felt slightly uncomfortable with her. I wondered if she felt the same. I began to make some small talk to lighten the mood a bit, knowing she was also a very pleasant and friendly person when she wasn’t barking orders at you.

I asked something about why she had certain people, or what types of people, she added to her phone contacts. I don’t remember what her answer was, but I said something about having the most important friends, family and doctors in my contacts.

Then I was in a large restaurant that was mostly empty. I had a rat on my shoulder and he (Burke?) wanted to get down and play. So I let him run around and explore a bit and would call him back to me if he ventured too far away.

We soon came upon a spot where a woman had placed her handbag on the floor. Burke ran up to it and nestled alongside it. The woman, stout with long straight blonde hair, approached us with a worried expression on her face. I quickly snatched up the rat and ran off, not knowing what she might do to us.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 14, 2016
Or maybe not. Oh, I’ll still focus plenty on Stacey, but Aly surprised me by tweeting that if I still read her tweets, I asked her to check something out and could I please re-send it. So here’s what I posted on LiveJournal:

I deleted the original post because I thought you weren’t going to read it. I’m sorry I didn’t give you more time to check it out. No problem, though, as I rewrote it for you. :) I will delete it once you’ve read it.

Umm…. Well, ok, here goes. As you know, I’ve been hurt, angry and stunned by you cutting ties with me. I honestly can’t say why losing you has been so hard on me. We never had the physical attraction Nane and I had and we never had the history Andy and I had. Eight years is a long time, but Andy and I have known each other all our lives and we’re in our 50s. Yet it’s been much easier letting them go.

No, I didn’t like how dishonest you could sometimes be, but I enjoyed everything else… your intelligence, your intuition, your advice, your feedback, and more. I know you said we didn’t have much in common and that we often thought differently and handled things differently, and you’re right. We did. But I also think we had many things in common. Our love of writing, for example. I miss consulting with each other on story ideas and reading each other’s stuff. Our genres were a bit different, but I still enjoyed reading what you wrote and you seemed ok with my stuff, even if I couldn’t always motivate myself as much as you could. Nor was I as good as you.

We all make mistakes, Agent P, and I’m no exception. I handled our fallout poorly. I shouldn’t have harassed you or your friends over it and I give you my word right here and now that I will not only never contact your friends (unless they reach out to me for some reason), but will also respect your wishes if you choose not to reply to this and just leave it at that.

Not that I agree with how Molly used to handle things, but for the first time I could understand how telling yourself not to bother with those that didn’t want to bother with you could sometimes be easier said than done. Nonetheless, I give you my word that if you continue not to want anything to do with me, then that’s the way it will be. Unfortunately, I tend to follow my heart when maybe I should follow my head instead. Perhaps I should have dropped it when you let me go last March, but my heart was screaming, “No! Don’t go!” So yeah, I admit I did look in on your tweets every few days or so to see how you were doing. I know you’ve been run through the mill both physically and emotionally and I was concerned. I mean I’m not in touch with Andy or Nane but that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t be upset if I learned something bad happened to them.

I’m not expecting to hear from you every day like I used to, and we don’t have to connect on Facebook, blogging sites or anything like that, but I will be here as often as you’d like, if you’d like, on Twitter, email, and then there’s also Skype.

I also owe you an apology for being judgmental and critical like I could sometimes be. You were right… I realize I can get awfully opinionated at times and that it’s something I need to work on. You have every right to live your life as you see fit and with whom you see fit, and well, who the hell am I to argue with it unless I’m specifically asked for my opinion? I think, however, that people sometimes misunderstand me in that when I express an opinion it doesn’t mean I’m insisting that it’s the only correct way to be and that I expect others to follow that example, but if you can be more honest with me, I can certainly keep my mouth shut more often. :) I never meant to offend or bring anyone down. I don’t mind people that are different than me. I’ve always been into opposites actually. I like to have some common ground, of course, but I don’t care if a friend likes different music, has different political views, or hates seafood while I think it’s wonderful. Look at Tom and I… he’s the love of my life yet we don’t have much in common, haha. Sometimes it balances things out better that way, but that’s just how I am and I realize we don’t all think the same.

So… if I hear from you, great. If not, then I guess that’s just the way it was meant to be. :) Either way, I wish you the very best!

Later…

Feeling great emotionally but not so great physically at the moment. Still get intermittent lightheadedness and sometimes an upset stomach and heartburn. And oh, the fatigue! I seem to get fatigued when I get dizzy. I guess I still have enough hormones to give me some PMS symptoms, but not quite enough to start a period. I don’t know if I’m done for good or not. I just want the dizzies to go away and stay away!

My mind wants to do all kinds of things, but my body would rather lie around and not do much, and even when I’ve slept well I can still feel tired. Labs are just a couple of weeks away.

We took my BP a few times and the top number is in the 160s. That’s where Tom was before going on BP meds, but his other number was also bad. My bottom number is fine. Man, I’m sick of all these fucking health issues, though. I can’t keep taking different medications. I’m too sensitive to them and prone to side effects.

Despite not feeling the greatest and slacking off on my writing projects, we went for a bike ride when the sun was coming up and there was just enough light to see but the glare of the sunlight and heat had yet to set in. It was nice, though we’re a little out of shape for that particular exercise right now. These hills would probably kill most people here, LOL. It’s like doing cardio and strength training at once. Going down the “rollercoaster” is fun, though.

Then we changed the Cheeto whores’ cage. Wish they’d stop burying their food because then I can’t tell how much is in there.

August is turning out to be a very, very interesting month. First, I may be working things out with Aly. I then dream about a skinny woman surprising me by telling me she’s got hypothyroidism. Then Stacey tells me she has it and she’s skinny. Then I include an earthquake scene in my book. An earthquake hits NorCal, though not here. Then I throw Stacey in a story and good things happen. I then learn she isn’t exactly the fantasy/wishful thinking I thought she was.

Two people (women?) and I were chased through the woods, though I don’t know who was doing the chasing.

Then I dreamed that I watched a beach video of Aly’s and thought it looked remarkably like the beach I spent my summers at as a kid.

Then Tom was auditioning for a band with his trombone, and I was saying how cool it would’ve been had Jesse’s trailer been inside a really large room because then it would be easier to heat and cool the tin dump.

Later…

Twitter does have two-way blocking. Kim’s either reading Aly’s tweets or Aly told her about my current account. This time around it seems like she looked for my tweet in response to Aly asking me to resend the link and then blocked me. She hasn’t blocked me on all of her accounts… yet. But you know what? Fuck her. She’s one I would never be friends with again, so fine, let her play victim and block all the accounts she wants. It hasn’t cost me any account on any site yet.

SATURDAY, AUGUST 13, 2016
Rachel says: Textbook crush on a therapist. Well, I’ve never had a crush on one before and I’ve had at least a dozen in my lifetime. Martha was a bit attractive who I saw in the early ‘90s back east, but she didn’t make nearly as much of an impression as Stacey’s made on me.

She also says she’d be surprised if she contacted me directly and that it’d be a bit against ethics. I would still be surprised too, but I don’t think she’d be doing anything unethical since we’ve accomplished what we set out to do and are done with each other on a professional level. She gave me the coping tools I needed in order to deal with anxiety and help prevent it from turning into full-blown panic attacks, but hopefully I will never be on enough medication that can induce such extreme anxiety again.

I asked Tom if he was surprised we exchanged info and talked about keeping in touch outside of her office, and he said no.

Do I think she’ll contact me? shrugs No one I’ve ever wanted to has yet, so probably not. Like I said, I’ll call in a few months or so, but I don’t expect her to contact me, let alone visit me.

Looked in on her husband’s pics again and am even more confused about her family. Based on my research I was under the impression that she had one grown son. Yet I saw two pics of their son Noah posted in 2010, and in it, he appears to be about 8. At first glance, I assumed it was her grandson or maybe a nephew. He was alone in one pic, and with Stacey in another. They appeared to be camping or hiking somewhere and they were both giving the sign for “I love you.”

Noah appeared to be between 8-10, probably closer to 8. But even if he were 10, he’d still be a minor. Then why did she say her son lived on Ophir Road? Does she have more than one son? Having a kid living with her would explain why she’s got a 3-bedroom and a basketball hoop over the garage. I mean, sure… she and her husband could sleep separately and want a spare room for guests, storage or whatever, but I would think a couple in their age group would want to downsize if it was just them. Of course, just because the pics were posted in 2010 doesn’t mean they were taken then. The kid could also look younger than he is.

What I wonder most is even if she did want to see me, where would she find the time? She works full time and if she has a son, friends and other family in the area, how could she make time for us? How would we get any privacy, even if we didn’t “do” anything?

It’s possible she could be divorced or separated and her son could be living with their father, but I don’t get that impression at all. Why would she live in such a big house if that were the case, and why would she be connected to him on Facebook? But then why does he have a different last name? Pretty sure A is her maiden name.

I’ve gone over and over it again in my mind and she truly does seem to like me. Then again, Johnson did too, yet we never met. I still gotta assume the Staceys of this world are not allowed be it for friends or fuck buddies, and expect not to hear from her. She’d probably return my call, but that’s about it. I don’t see us making arrangements to meet, and unless we went out somewhere by ourselves, Tom would be with us here and I guess her husband and son would be with us at her place.

Eh, I don’t want to overthink and overanalyze things. She’s in my past. Unless I have a setback, then after my fall call (I thought I’d wait till around November) it will be time to move on and file her away as a wonderful memory.

Aly hasn’t appeared to have checked into her Twitter account since the 9th. Has she abandoned the account now that she knows I know about it? Or is something wrong? My guess is she’s keeping in touch with friends elsewhere, but she’s the last one I want to put much thought into. Yeah, I’d rather think of Stacey all the time than Aly.

I do wonder about Marie, though. Her account has been deactivated. I posted a note on my wall asking if anyone knows what’s up with her. She seemed to be doing well, but Marie has been known to take a tumble overnight, so anything’s possible.

The fucking water was off from 9:00 - 2:30 yesterday. I would’ve missed the notice too, had I not opened the front door to let some fresh air in. We only go out that door every day or two to get the mail. I anonymously let them know just what I thought about that and the motorcycles online by using fake details. Personally, I don’t care if they trace it back to me at this point. I’m fed up with the water issues being so frequent, nobody’s fault or not. Or is it? Pipes get old, yes, but Virginia said this has been going on since they moved in nearly 30 years ago.

I talked to Mr. “Twenties” briefly yesterday. I like him better than Mrs. Twenties so far. He was trimming the trees in front of his place cuz they were blocking the stop sign.

I was so annoyed for a while yesterday, not just over the water issues, but someone with a golf cart stopped to talk to Mr. Twenties while their damn dog yipped up a storm. Really hope they didn’t get a dog too, cuz I swore I heard barking coming from that direction after the cart left. Like maybe it was barking out an open door or something. Could’ve been coming from over the wall though I doubt it. I just hope the Twenties and the people next to them remain muttless or else they’ll bark out open doors and windows every time they step outside or someone walks by.

Tom only worked half a day yesterday because of the company picnic. He didn’t feel like going to it cuz he’s just not big on mixing business with pleasure.

Talked to Tammy who sounded better than expected. She got a huge scare when she had an allergic reaction to things in the air and her throat, esophagus and lungs closed up. Unfortunately, she got her own taste of fearing she was about to die. I can just imagine how horrifying it must’ve been. They almost put her on a ventilator. She’s on steroids and all kinds of other shit.

Sarah’s going to some training seminar in Miami on account of a job promotion she got.

As usual, Bill had to come up when she said that Sarah’s car had tire issues and she automatically called the bastard like she always used to just to end up calling Tammy in tears. Hey, I’m sorry for the girl. I really am. But ENOUGH IS ENOUGH WITH THE BILL TALK! I don’t want to hear about him or be reminded of him in any way. I hate the bastard even in death and will never forgive him for leading the blacks to our door. As it is I can’t stand to follow my nieces anymore on Facebook. It’s all dad this, dad that.

Had a dream my cousin Phil was wheeled past me in a wheelchair. He looked like he’d put on some weight since I last saw him and he seemed pretty out of it too, never saying a word as he passed by me.

Later…

Went to Walmart where I started getting dizzy after doing better these last few days. It backed off a bit once we got home and I ate. I even skied for a half hour. Now I’m just fatigued.

Aly checked in saying she’d been busy, but she totally ignored me of course. Ok, she is NOW TOTALLY 100% in the past.

I’ll focus on Stacey instead… even if I know it’s a waste of time.

FRIDAY, AUGUST 12, 2016
Where I expected to return home sad and teary-eyed, thinking I’d probably never see Stacey again as long as I had no setbacks, I am instead flying high with excitement, flattery and shock.

Yeah, I was very wrong in assuming this visit would be different and that she’d be all serious and all professional.

I’ve always liked Stacey. Always. Not the jump-in-bed-with-her kind of like, but over the last 3 sessions a bond has formed between us that I first thought was pretty much one-sided. But… Those subtle “signs.” Some things she’d say. The way she’d say them. Things I thought were just wishful thinking were actually my intuition being right on again. I’m sitting here mumbling OMG, OMG, OMG over and over. She likes me too!!! twirls with delight

She’s one of those that’s attractive but not. Yeah, there’s something about her, and yes, she looks great for 57, but you won’t find yourself undressing her with your eyes or indulging in wet fantasies about her either as opposed to just hanging out, holding hands or maybe a little cuddling on the couch to a movie. At the same time, would I be interested in the whole package if we were single and she was interested? Hell fucking yeah. I’m sure I would be. She’s too wonderful not to be.

To describe her physically, she’s short like me, but not as feminine. She’s not tomboyish either. She’s slim, has dark eyes and dark shoulder-length hair, wears little to no makeup, but does dress femininely. Conservatively, but feminine. She wears jewelry, but nothing colorful or flashy like what I wear. I’ve only seen her in pants, though I saw a picture of her in a black dress. She was smoking hot too, so ok, perhaps there’s a little attraction on my part. Yes, I did notice she has a nice smile and even a sexy nose. Yes, I did notice how nice her ass looked in her jeans one day when she had her back to me scheduling our next appointment.

“We’re even opposites with nails,” I joked with her, and it was true. She had tan nail polish on, though her style suited her well.

Anyway, I sensed something was up that was mutual, but didn’t want to let myself believe it really meant anything. But after today I’m able to look back on some of our past discussions, and well, the signs were there. I said some things that might’ve very well made other counselors feel not so much as offended but they may have been uncomfortable. Stacey, on the other hand, seemed genuinely flattered when I joked with her about how we never would’ve met had we skipped Oregon and California and gone straight to Florida from Arizona.

There were other things I recalled from the meeting before last. How I talked about being attracted to opposites as opposed to carbon copies and the way she said, “You like hanging around with those who are calmer, huh?” You’d had to have been there as I was to pick up what I picked up. It wasn’t so much what she said but how she said it.

You know how we sometimes tense up with delight when we receive a compliment or good news? Well, when we were talking about working out and I told her she looked great, she did just that and grinned. Well, I’m flattered that she was flattered when I told her this and things like how much I appreciated all she’s done for me.

The way she told me I was very bright, along with a few other things right down to her body language, I had quickly filed as misinterpreted or wishful thinking, even if the part of me that’s good with reading people knew she probably wouldn’t act like that with just anybody. There was something there and I clearly felt the connection. The way she said, “Maybe someday you’ll be surprised,” when I said I wouldn’t mind having someone I was close to who lived near me, but after being burned and not in a position to meet others easily, I knew I might never have that.

Bumping me up was another thing I looked back on and wondered about. At the time I didn’t think much of it, but when I had to see her again in June, I was told by her assistant that she was all booked up and I couldn’t get in till mid-July. But then she calls me right back after calling Stacey’s private line and tells me to come in in a few days.

It’s the blog that threw me. A while back I gave her my blog address, then a session or two later I asked if she’d visited it and she said, “No, sorry.” I wondered if there was some rule about doctors looking in on patients’ blogs and whatnot, even though I’d never heard of one, and I know that my dentist, old endo and possibly Dr. A have been to my blog. My main Blogger blog that is. That’s why I’m careful what I say over there.

So I figured that if I had been reading her right and she really liked me as a person and not just as a patient, then she would’ve been to the blog, right? Well, I’ll get to that in a minute.

Initially, we began talking about the anxiety that brought me to her in the first place. She’s just as glad that I’ve continued to be anxiety-free. She asked me why she thinks I’m doing better right now. I said, “Well, probably because I don’t have any statins or other scary drugs to deal with right now, and a wonderful genius taught me some tricks.” This was in reference to the emotional tapping, which I admitted to slacking off on at times when doing better.

I told her I was a little stressed out about all the appointments I have next month, and that I thought of getting another doctor, but they’re just going to tell me the same thing… I need statins. Just because I’m not panicking these days doesn’t mean I still don’t have a medication phobia. I’ve always been sensitive to medication, too.

She asked who my doctor was and I told her. “That’s who I thought it was,” she said.

Speaking of phobias, we talked about my driving phobia and she asked if I’d tried to conquer it. I have, but never felt comfortable at the wheel, couldn’t have afforded a car most of my younger adult life anyway, so why put my life and others at risk? She agreed it’s best not to push it. This subject came up when I was pointing out that while I do want to come out of my protective shell a bit more, it’s not easy meeting new people when you work at home and everyone has their standards of “normal” that they tend to gravitate to. But as I told her, I’m never going to be a God-loving nine-to-fiver who drives and has a politically correct bleeding heart for Muslims and blacks.

“I have no problem with individuals that are kind to me, but as a whole, I don’t like these violent groups.”

“Makes sense to me,” she said.

We talked about my being undecided on things like God and the afterlife. Dream premonitions I totally believe in because I’ve personally had them, and it turns out that she’s had them, too. Hers have also been mostly negative. Wow. Pretty neat.

“Sometimes I think there must be a God since I met a wonderful person like you,” (big grin on her part), “but then I think, nah. Not with all the shit that goes on in this world.”

She said it’s ok to be undecided. I agree. Besides, just because we decide on something doesn’t necessarily mean we’re right, does it?

Backing up to the beginning of the appointment… this is the first time there were a few others in the waiting room, but they were civilized. A few minutes before 8:30, she came out the door by the desk, looked over at me and smiled, then said something about copying a form to a guy I’d never seen before that was probably new.

She got a kick out of the dreams I told her she was in. Yeah, on the way down the long hall to her office I told her it was nice seeing her in my dreams a few times over the last month.

At the start of our session, I told her that the answer to her question, “What next?” hit me on the way home the last time I saw her. I asked her if she wanted to hear the realistic one first or the fantasy. She laughed and said, “Realistic.” So I told her about my goal, which I’ve definitely been accomplishing. This one entails not letting the thought of an anxiety attack keep me from going out walking alone. Tom and I still prefer to work out together because it’s more fun that way, but when he’s not available, I’m going out by myself more and more often.

Then I told her the fantasy. I said, “Don’t laugh, but I think a sexless affair with a woman might be nice. Might add fun variety to my life to have someone I see periodically that I’m into that’s into me back.”

She didn’t laugh.

“You asked me how Tom and I got along. You didn’t ask me how we got along in bed. I’m not embarrassing you by talking about this, am I?”

She shook her head, and I went on to say that at my age since the libido really does go to hell as menopause sets in, I don’t feel that I need to add a female “fuck buddy” to my life. Just someone I really like and feel comfortable with who feels the same about me that I see every now and then would be nice.

She asked if I was putting any energy into this goal, and as I reminded her, it’s not easy to meet people when you work at home. No relationship I’ve ever had, be it sexual or not, has ever been sought out, forced, made or planned. They always happen by “accident.”

She said it seemed like a reasonable goal and asked if I would be ok if I didn’t get it. As I told her, it wouldn’t kill me if I didn’t. When do I ever get the people that I want in that way whether it’s just for friends or anything more? Courtney, Maliheh, Melanie, Johnson, Liz, Jane, Alyssa… when did I ever get any of them?

We talked about different people I’ve known, what attracts me and what doesn’t, like butchy types.

“You don’t like that?” she asked.

“No. To each their own as I certainly don’t judge, but if I liked that I’d have been totally straight and nothing but. I used to like ultra-feminine women, but now I like them in the middle. They don’t have to be as colorful and as flashy as me, but I like women that look like women.”

We talked about a million different things. The fact that we’re both Jewish, even though I don’t practice any religion. She said she’s not good with languages but can read some Hebrew, Spanish and French. I told her I read, write and speak Spanish, Italian and German, and can read a lot of Portuguese, French, Esperanto and Dutch. Plus there’s my ASL.

She agrees German is ugly and I told her that was my “accidental” language and how I “met” Nane and we became cyber girlfriends till we had a fight and it all ended.

“Ever have regrets?” she asked.

“I miss her at times, but she was too judgmental for my tastes,” I said.

“Did you ever think of going to any of these countries and speaking the languages?” she asked me. Yes, I told her, I’ve been to Puerto Rico where I pretended not to know what “No tocar” meant when I was souvenir shopping.

She laughed and said I must really be wired for language learning, and I said, “I may be fat and ugly, but I love to learn and promised myself I’d get as smart as I could.”

“I think it’s a shame that you think you’re fat and ugly,” she said.

I was a little surprised at this one, and said something like, “Wow, you don’t think so?”

She slowly smiled and shook her head, and I at least agreed I wasn’t the ugliest thing on the planet. I’m ok for my age, but nothing spectacular. I’ve got strong shoulders, a lifted chest thanks to pushups, semi-ripped abs, and rippled calves, but the rest sucks shit big time. ;) I admit I, well… uhem… I paid special attention to clothes and makeup knowing I was going to see her. blushes

We talked about the different states we’ve lived in, and just like I remember the giant spiders, scorpions and cockroaches in Arizona, she got to live with them in Texas for a while. She’s originally from Maryland. She hates rodents, but she doesn’t mind spiders and snakes.

I told her about our life in Auburn versus here. I guess her son lives on the street we used to live on.

We talked about how while it can be hard at times, I’m determined not to think negatively and worry about the future as much. She asked if I worry about having a heart attack or stroke, and as I told her, I know the possibility is there, but it’s not going to happen today or tomorrow if it does.

“I’ll give you that,” she said with a smile.

We talked about Tammy, how our mother tried to pit her against me, and how we became closer when our parents died (I’ve got more to write about her when I’m not so tired).

I said I knew I should probably make out a will since anyone could die at any age, but hadn’t gotten around to it and just never cared what happened to my body. If I was dead, I wouldn’t need my body, so it didn’t matter what happened to it. I was pretty sure, though, that I wouldn’t want to undergo something like chemo if I needed it as it’s not worth the torture this late in life with no children to leave behind for a maybe.

She asked if I’d ever signed a D&R form, and I had no idea what that was till she told me about it. Tom’s heard of Do Not Resuscitate forms, though, and I’m sure Tammy has, too. Well, I did tell Tom that if I were ever in a coma for any reason to just pull the plug, LOL.

I told her she inspired a character in my book (with a different name) and that I usually do suspense with lesbian/bi leads as a show of support for equality. She didn’t ask what the story was about and I didn’t offer any information.

We jumped back in time a bit and I told her about some of the prank calls I’d make. She laughed at that Drinkwine and Drinkwater confusion. “And then karma bit me in the ass and gave me my own funny last name,” I told her.

“Do you ever get sick of listening to people’s problems all day long in this tiny windowless room?” I asked her, and she admitted she did hate the office, which was the only one she’d ever had without a window. She said she was at her private practice once a week and that office was twice as big and had a window. I asked why she split it up like that and it’s cuz you gotta work a certain amount of hours to get benefits.

I said she oughta get wall stickers or one of those window murals. “If you came to my house you’d see them all over our place, but I might tone it down in the next place.”

“Why bother if you like it?” she said.

She’s got a point there, even though I still sometimes wish the place were less busy. Not less colorful, but less busy. It would make dusting easier that way, too.

We talked about where we may move to someday, but as I told her, there are no guarantees. A lot can happen between now and his retirement. When we first came here 9 years ago I only knew 3 languages and could sit on my hair.

She too, loves to go treasure hunting at Goodwill. I was surprised. :) I told her I once collected dolls. She asked what I collected now and I told her I didn’t have any specific thing I collected. Did she? I asked, and she said no.

Then it came up that I’d looked in on her Facebook account, though it’s very private, and was following someone with her name on Pinterest. She was surprised, saying she’s looked in on Pinterest, but doesn’t have an account there. I told her there were two people with her name there, and she asked if the spelling was the same. I had my doubts either were hers because one uses no caps while the other caps the entire last name. I was following Ms. No Caps, but not anymore.

I thanked her for letting me talk about personal things, even though I’m sure she’s heard them before. But just having someone to discuss menopause with is nice. Everyone else either isn’t the talking kind or they had their parts removed.

“I like that you’re older,” I told her. “You get me. Trying to explain the shittiness of perimenopause to your 40-year-old doctor isn’t any easier than the 32-year-old one I had which was only good as eye candy. And I’m not usually into blondes,” I told her the last time around, LOL.

And then it was almost time to go and things got really interesting. And damn surprising. Oh yeah, here goes the good part, folks. I was saying how funny it was that I didn’t want to see her at first and only did so to make my doctor happy. I just didn’t realize just how anxious the trauma had left me and how it couldn’t be fixed as quickly as I’d like. I also had no idea just how much I needed her help and how amazingly helpful she would turn out to be. I felt so incredibly hopeless at one point as my thoughts began to turn dark.

I told her I would probably cancel the shrink appointment since I was stopping the lorazepam anyway. “You’re better than lorazepam,” I told her, and she smiled.

“I’m glad to be doing better, but I’m going to miss the hell out of you,” I told her.

Then, “You can always call my private line.”

Really?

“Do you have my card? You’re always welcome to see me anytime and to call anytime as well.”

I told her I did, and could get info online as well.

She said she just didn’t want me to be upset that she hadn’t been to my blog because that wasn’t something she did.

I told her that was no problem and she wasn’t missing anything anyway since all I was doing was bitching about being dizzy lately (the last few days have been better, though).

That’s when I gave her what I tried to talk myself out of writing down for her at home. “I have something for you,” I told her, standing up and pulling a piece of paper from my pocket. “Since you helped me; if you ever need help with anything I’m good at or you just want a friend, here are a few ways to contact me.”

She shocked me by taking the paper with a delighted smile and thanking me for it. I really thought she was going to tell me that as my counselor she couldn’t do that, but there is a difference between counselors and patients versus regular MDs and patients, after all, just like you can’t really compare your hair stylist to the cashier that rings up your groceries.

I told her that hopefully, I’ll remain anxiety-free and instead of needing to call her, I hope to eventually hear from her instead. Then we stepped over to the door. I thought she was going to hug me and for a split second, I thought of hugging her. Instead, it was all I could do to keep from squealing with hope and joy as I went back down the long hallway, glad to not be the sad, teary-eyed person I expected to be.

So maybe it’s not goodbye forever. I know a lot of people don’t do things they say they’re going to do, but I’d like to think a clinical psychologist with a PHD wouldn’t make such casual agreements. I’ll call if I don’t hear from her within a few months or so, but even if I never do see her again, there will always be a special place in my heart for the lovely Dr. Stacey J A for pulling me out of the quicksand like she did.

THURSDAY, AUGUST 11, 2016
Another day of being dizzy-free. Thank God too, as being sad when I say goodbye to Stacey in 6 hours or so is going to be rough enough.

Life is full of saying goodbyes. Just wish they were all easy and not just some of them. This includes getting over those who couldn’t care less about me. Instead, I finally broke down and left a message for Aly on LiveJournal in hopes of working things out, and I tweeted her the link. Doesn’t look like she’s checked in since then, though, or else she’d have told Kim, who would have blocked this account. Or do they think it’s my last account? I took the honor of blocking Kim myself this time around, but I’m pretty sure Twitter has mutual blocking yet I’m not blocked from her. So more than likely, she just didn’t check in yesterday. She keeps in touch with Kim more on WhatsApp these days.

I think it’s rather sad that people from all over the world have gone to the Olympics to break their arms, their legs, and other things all for a medal. A medal is a material thing. It cannot validate our abilities. Being able to safely do things within our physical and emotional means and enjoying it… that’s true validation. No scrap of metal is worth injuring ourselves for.

So I’ve been rethinking the Olympics. Is it really just about talented people who have worked really hard? Or is it also about insecure people desperate to show off to the world and prove they’re worthy of this piece of metal that they’re willing to bring harm to themselves for it?

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 10, 2016
So far I am surprisingly, amazingly and wonderfully not dizzy. But why? What did I do differently today? The only thing I can think of is that where I usually don’t eat for a couple of hours after being up, I did have a granola bar while waiting for my coffee to brew.

Really thought it would just go on and on like last time, but it’s something that can creep up on you at any moment. So I could get lightheaded later on.

Had so much fatigue yesterday that I didn’t get as much done around here as I’d have liked.

There was an earthquake at the Mendocino National Forest a couple or so hours away at 8pm, but I didn’t feel anything. Funny, though, since the book I’m currently writing involves an earthquake in NorCal. Definitely gotta be careful how I write things as I have jinx-written other things, both good and bad, into reality in the past. Life really can imitate art at times.

MONDAY, AUGUST 8, 2016
Haven’t written much because honestly, all I can do is whine about being so lightheaded so often, though I am finally starting to get used to it. It’s all I really can do anyway. Not much else is going on. The week is progressing as it normally does. I work on various things, writing included. Still working out, taking care of the house… the usual stuff.

So like I said, I’m dizzy again and I can’t figure out what triggered it to start up again any more than I can figure out why it backed off for those few weeks to a month like it did. Since they ruled out anything dangerous, I’m still leaning toward perimenopause. It’s annoying as hell, but I just gotta deal with it. We all have something most of the time as that’s just how humans are, and as long as it’s tolerable in the first place and the longer I have it, the more likely I am to get used to it. I just have to take breaks and lie down here and there throughout the day.

I try not to let it get me down, and I admit I started to get a little depressed last night, knowing it’s bound to go on for at least a few months like last time, but then I reminded myself that it’s not going to kill me. It’s just a sensation. An annoying one, but nothing deadly or that I can’t adapt to. Sometimes I have to remind myself that hey, even I’m tougher than that and there’s no reason I can’t learn to live with it. I can still live my life and do everything I normally do. I just have to take it slow at times. It may even go away for good someday since nothing usually lasts forever.

I’m also worried about the 3 appointments I have next month, though I know it’s pointless to worry because they’re going to be whatever they’re going to be. I just need to stand a firmer ground and remind Dr. A that enough is enough with the damn medication. It’s silly to take statins to prevent problems I may never have. I don’t feel that extra cholesterol floating around in me, but I sure felt that sore throat the statins gave me, and I’m all about how I feel. Not what I might prevent or the number of years I can live. Right now my only problem is being lightheaded and I’d like to keep it that way.

No anxiety lately, but I kind of have some PMS symptoms even though I don’t feel like my period is just a few days away as scheduled. I’m retaining a little water and I’ve had more fatigue the last few days.

Looking forward to seeing Stacey on Thursday as much as I’m not looking forward to seeing her. I always love to see her. She’s a wonderful person and very easy to talk to. But I sure will miss her, so there will be a bit of sadness when we say goodbye, so long as the shit doesn’t hit the fan again and send me back to her later on down the road.

Decided to give Pretty Little Liars another chance and am enjoying it so far. Scream was great, but there’s only one season available on Netflix. Love those continuing dramas, though, that keep you guessing as to who the culprit is.

SATURDAY, AUGUST 6, 2016
To get the bad news out of the way first… Tammy has bronchial pneumonia and I’m lightheaded again. Wonder how many months it’ll last this time since most things don’t seem to be short and sweet for me.

The annoying news… I’ve heard loud vehicles for most of the last 10 hours. I still don’t understand why there’s so much traffic in an adult community that doesn’t lead anywhere. This is a gated community with security that patrols the place, especially at night. Outsiders can’t just wander in.

The typical news… Still skiing away, but doubt I’ll lose more than a few pounds.

The frustrating news… I injured my shoulder planking, said “fuck it” to my diet, and ate like a pig tonight. It was fun. You should try it sometime. Just not the shoulder part.

The scary news… they laid off 25 people where Tom works, though not in his area. We dodged a bullet this time, but within the next two years, a layoff is extremely likely. Not just because most jobs eventually lay you off, but also because the company’s slowly going under. Not sure how they can afford to pay him so much OT as it is, though he’s not working Saturday this week. Still, I’m not buying anything I don’t absolutely need.

Poverty doesn’t scare me as much as it once did after the shit I went through with my health, and yes, I’d rather be poor than suffer, but neither of us wants to lose this place either. We don’t want to stay in this park or in this state forever, but we do want to leave it on our terms. Besides, scary or not, I still could never make it on the streets. I could downsize to a dump in a dumpier area, but I couldn’t be homeless, not that I think it’ll come to that. My dreams will warn me if trouble is near, though. At least they did last time. The economy may not be as bad as 5 years ago, and we may have the 401K, but an aging white man can’t just quickly get a job. And don’t give me that shit about “white privilege” cuz it’s bullshit.

The funny news… When I opened the cage doors, my boys came charging at me for the treats I had ready to serve. So cute!

The interesting news… Thinking of Rosemarie today. I realized that today is her birthday. Pretty sure she’s a year older than me. Yeah, it’s been a quarter-century since I saw the good-looking bitch who deserved the piece of shit she had for a boyfriend, but I never forgot her very brief time in my life. Can’t help but wonder to this day… how different might she have been if she weren’t under the influence of Rick? Either way, they’re lucky I didn’t kick the shit out of both of them the night they paid me the little “visit” they paid me. God knows I wanted to. To confront me about my attraction for Rosemarie and make the threats they made as if they’d learned I broke into their place or something like that while they were out and may do it again was absolutely ridiculous.

But hey, it was 1992 and she was from Texas. Most Texans are prejudiced and so are religious people, which she clearly stated that she was. Also, some butch scared the shit out of her that used to live next to her so that warped her opinion of gays/lesbians right there. Still, she’s the kind I’d laugh at if I knew she had to spend a little time in jail or prison… with nothing but women. Some of which would be much more forward than I ever was.

Seriously, with the rejection I got from as many women as I did, you would think I was the fattest, ugliest chick there was, and not someone deemed worthy enough to be an exotic dancer.

Last night I dreamed that I was having trouble navigating through some site due to ads popping up like crazy. Then I heard Tom shout and ran into his bedroom. He had just gotten into bed. He said he saw one of those huge roaches we’d see down in Phoenix.

I wanted to turn on the light so I could see better and spray it with bug spray if I spotted it again, but Tom was all paranoid that someone would see through the sides of the crooked blinds he had hanging in the single window across from his bed. I told him that if he were that worried about his privacy, get new blinds then.

Unable to find the roach, I left the room wondering how I would sleep knowing the thing was in the house.

Then I dreamed that he had to shower in my bathroom and I said with frustration, “There are three showers in this place, yet only one works.”

Later…

If there’s one person I’d really love to give a piece of my mind to, it’s Rosemarie. And even if I didn’t, being the naturally curious person that I am, I tried looking her up based on the very few things I remember about her. I know her first name, that she was born in Texas, that she lived in Arizona, that she might’ve worked for an attorney, and that she turned 51 today. Turns out there was a Rosemarie R born in Texas in 1964, but I otherwise can’t find shit. There’s a 52-year-old Rosemarie R living in Pennsylvania, but it’s a little hard to believe it’s her. I mean why would she end up on the East Coast? I doubt I’ll ever find her more than I’ll ever find Officer Johnson. Really need both first and last names.

I read back on some of my 1992 entries describing my encounters with her, and wow. Just wow. That was cruel the way she went from telling me they were “fascinated” by all kinds of people to telling me she was religious and didn’t want my “type” around.

Fay didn’t help any more than Rick did. She butted her fat nose in the middle of things and pitted us against each other. Or better yet, pitted Rosemarie against me. Could Fay have been as jealous and insecure as Rick was? She was fat and ugly and she knew it.

Fay did say something about running into her in the laundry room and Rosemarie said she didn’t want to hurt me but that Rick beat up some other girl and was watching her like a hawk. Yeah, but she did hurt me. And she pissed me off. I can totally see Rick being violent and possessive, though. I’d see them arguing and she even told me they were fighting. It wouldn’t surprise me if they broke up ages ago.

Hmm… another story inspired by 24-year-old memories? Maybe. Maybe we can “meet again” like Stacey from the VV and I did. ;)

For now, they stopped commenting on my “story” journal written by “Teresa.” Guess they either got bored with it or realized I was behind it.

Still feeling dizzy at times. Just gotta accept that it’s not going anywhere any more than my weight is. At least the skiing and proper eating will keep it stable. It better or else something else may be up.

Tom said he’s actually gained weight since eating right so he’s going back to some of his unhealthier foods. LOL, we both got some junk late last night on a run to Walgreens. Only difference is I do eat a lot less than him regardless of if it’s healthy or not, and I do exercise more.

He got some exercise today working outside. Until he hit his head on the maple tree, that is. Then we went down to the lake after the sun set and the temp dropped a bit. Hay muchos patos ahora.

Ran into Aly in my dreams last night. First I yelled angrily at her, then bawled my eyes out like an idiot. She wasn’t just an inch taller like in real life, though. Instead, she had half a foot on me.

I just have to keep in mind that as much as I may sometimes miss the good times, she wasn’t any truer of a friend than Nane and Andy ever were. Nane and Andy were judgmental hypocrites and Aly was a liar who never truly gave a shit about me.

Nane would bash me for bashing blacks, then she’d turn around and bash fat people. So it wasn’t ok to bash a group for their color, but it was ok to for their size? I won’t even get started on all the things I got sick of pertaining to Andy.

I just don’t get why it’s been harder to file Aly away in the past than the others. There was no physical attraction between us like there was with Nane, and we didn’t have the history Andy and I had.

Also had a dream about some kind of change taking place at Tom’s place of work in 3 weeks. They’re not due to lay any more people off till January, though. Or maybe he’ll be given a task that’ll take 3 weeks? We’ll find out sooner or later if the dream means anything, but I’m guessing it doesn’t.

FRIDAY, AUGUST 5, 2016
I guess the “sneaky” thing was someone trying to hack some account of Aly’s, based on her latest tweets.

I wonder, though… if I’m looking in on her, isn’t she looking in on me? My blog I mean, since she shouldn’t know about my current Twitter account. If she is, she’s dodging my tracker, something she’s been known to do before. Realistically, though, I doubt she cares at this point. So I would say no, she’s not reading my blog and probably hasn’t for 2 or 3 months.

Wish I could follow my head and not my heart where Stacey’s concerned, but I know I’m going to be dumb enough to waste time giving her my contact info, hoping that there’s at least a 1% chance she may contact me if she doesn’t hear from me for a while. Why, though? She’s not meant to be. No one like her ever has or ever will be. So knowing what’s in my cards and what’s not, why can’t I act accordingly? I guess because every now and then even my life gets a surprise or two thrown into it. Never expected to end up friends with Paula, fucked in the head or not. But still… Stacey’s not happening. Not now, not in a year, not in 5 years, not in 10 years. Why can’t I just thank her for her help, walk out of there without giving her a thing, and leave it at that?

THURSDAY, AUGUST 4, 2016
Aly hasn’t tweeted in a few days, but she’s at least checked into the account because she’s “liked” some things. Knew she wouldn’t elaborate on just what was so “sneaky” that needed investigating. I still say it probably has to do with Kim. Maybe she’s pretending to be me. Or her. Or God knows who else.

Just thought I’d do some writing while I wait for the temperature to drop a bit. Better for working out. Was thinking I’d ski to a 40-minute show, then do 20 more minutes outdoors. Gotta Bowflex too, and then tackle of slew of writing projects.

I have officially ended my affair with Fred Flintstone. Due to my size, I would take kiddy vitamins, but surprisingly enough, I’ve had even more energy since I stopped taking them. Funny too, cuz even Tom says vitamins make him tired. I figured that if I eat right then I should get a sufficient amount from food.

Pinterest gave themselves a new look and I personally hate it when sites make unnecessary changes like that. It’s a pain having to get used to the new way of doing things when the old way worked just fine. The only good to this change, which I hope won’t become a regular occurrence, is that avatars are larger.

Unfortunately, the dizziness I had really enjoyed a break from is returning and I’m not sure why. I thought I was over that shit, but I guess I can’t expect to never feel dizzy again. We all feel lightheaded/dizzy at times. I just hope it doesn’t get as bad as it was a few months ago.

Other than that, things are running smoothly. Down 1.5 pounds in the last two days, but still don’t expect to lose much more. The most important thing right now is exercising and eating low cholesterol so I can get better numbers at the lab next month.

Not expecting any changes in thyroid levels. I can tell by how thick and fast my hair is growing that I’m not low on that. Could still be borderline, though. Anything less than 75mcgs and my hair thins and stops growing.

Totally NOT looking forward to seeing Dr. A AND my dentist AND the sleep specialist. We both have our doubts as far as him fixing my non-24 problem and as for sleeping shitty and waking up a lot… that’s just part of my never-ending perimenopause. I do feel like I’m getting closer to menopause, though, based on how long this has gone on and most of the symptoms lessening. Still hot flash at times but have been anxiety-free and am determined to stay that way, especially since that’s been the worst symptom for me.

Should be going to an eye doc soon. We both need new glasses, but our insurance company was playing games with us. We’re just trying to avoid specialists so they don’t jump on things that are just borderline. He does have a cataract growing in one eye but isn’t anywhere close to needing surgery. My OH is probably still borderline, but that doesn’t mean I’ve got glaucoma.

Pretty sure Nane showed up in my dreams last night, but don’t remember how. I do remember a large brown rat following me into a hotel room. It hopped alongside me down the walkway and to the door. When I opened the door it hopped into the room, then had fun jumping in and out of the peephole that was only a foot high and much wider than normal.

Later…

Met the “Twenties” tonight. First I met Jon. He came out and said hello when he saw me put my banana peel in the trash that’s now out on the street along with the recycle bin. I was going to walk, but it’s surprisingly cool and windy out there now. Hey, this is NorCal.

He was surprised I knew the meaning of his last name. He was also surprised (though it was no surprise to me) when I told him about the water damage repair work Jackie had done prior to selling out, which he didn’t know about. He said something about replacing the water tank heater, dry rot, problems caused by the sprinkler system, and having to have it tented for beetles.

So that’s why there was a guy out measuring, huh? No garage going up. Well, good. I wasn’t exactly keen on the idea of listening to them beat and pound in a garage for a week or two. I remember when the lady on the other corner had her house tented before selling it. He asked if we had any problems with beetles under the house, but as far as I know, everything is fine even though no one’s been down in the crawl space for quite a while.

A few minutes after Jon and I started talking, Carolyn came out to meet me. They asked what year our house was. Theirs is a 1985, two years younger than ours.

They said they were retired although they sell rocks from around the world on eBay. They also asked what we did and I just told them that Tom worked in a warehouse while I worked at home as a software/program tester and a writer. He said he admired writers because it was one thing he definitely wasn’t.

They said something about how they have coffee in the mornings on the front patio (suggesting I’m welcome to join them) but didn’t have any real schedule. As I told them, neither do I, which is why they could see me out at seven in the morning, lunchtime, or even in the middle of the night.

Played with the rats a bit. They’re almost full-grown but still have a ways to go. Simon’s the least friendly, but he tolerates being handled and has no problem taking food from my hand. Dumbo’s the most playful, and Burkey Boy’s my soft, shiny cuddly fave.

Burke and Dumbo are playing “pin the opponent” now. Boxing was earlier, but now Burke’s doing a good job of pinning Dumbo onto his back. I’m not surprised. He’s the dominant rat, after all. They’re so cute to watch. I gotta make a vid some night of them playing. They get up around 7pm.

I’m totally loving my new skier. HR averages 126 on it. A little low for me, but still up there. Fitbit thinks I’m using an elliptical machine since the arms move in a similar motion.

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 3, 2016
Aly hasn’t tweeted yesterday or today so far to explain what was so “sneaky” that needed investigating, but I’m sure she’s in touch with Kim and others on other social media and apps.

I went private again on Twitter because no one seemed to be able to follow me simply because they wanted to, and then when I was dumb enough to follow back, thus allowing them to message me, it would always be because they wanted something. I felt like I was in jail again with all the beggars.

Then again, they could tweet to me but they couldn’t message me so long as I didn’t add them, so maybe I’ll go public again.

I absolutely love my new skier! Or air walker, as they call it. It’s so quiet that it’s much easier to listen to audiobooks and watch shows while I’m using it. It’s much easier to move too, unlike the treadmill which damn near weighs as much as me, and it leaves a smaller footprint, too.

The HR reading is definitely low while the calorie count is too high. It tried to tell me I burned 300 calories in just 10 minutes. No way. That usually takes about an hour of exertion. Also, it was saying my HR was in the 80s-90s. That’s more like my resting HR. My walking HR is 120s-130s, and when I break into a run it’s in the 140s-150s.

I expected my hips or knees to be a bit sore today, but instead, my calves are sore, especially the area right below the backs of my knees. Taking the day off to let them heal. After today, my regular workout schedule will be Monday-Friday with Wednesdays off on the Bowflex, and Monday-Friday on the skier. How much skiing time I do per day will depend on whether I’m also walking outdoors. I’m not quitting hitting the open road, I’m just not going to run as much.

Tom can’t use it because it has a 225-pound weight limit. I’m worlds away from that, but I just beat the height requirement by an inch, LOL.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 2, 2016
“My gut feeling says something sneaky is going on. Investigating will have to wait until tomorrow though.”

And yet another Aly riddle that will no doubt be deleted and not elaborated upon. Probably pertains to Kim, but who knows?

My new “hip joint-friendly” skier has arrived! It definitely has a much smaller (and lighter) footprint than the treadmill. That treadmill damn near weighs as much as I weigh!

Do I think increasing my exercise to an hour a day will cause me to lose weight? No, I don’t. Not as a middle-aged female with Hashimoto’s. I do, however, expect it to make it harder to gain weight and keep me fit and strong with good flexibility and stamina. I’m also hoping it will lower my bad cholesterol. Plus, I’ve got the Bowflex as well.

Thinking I’ll post old journal highlights by the month on my-diary, Tumblr and LiveJournal, and by the year on Blogger and Prosebox.

Last night I dreamed I was swimming indoors somewhere with a handful of other people. I don’t know if I was on a ship or what, but I felt wonderful. The temperature of the water was perfect, the huge room we were in was gorgeous, and the soft music playing was beautiful as well. I felt my eyes sting with happy tears and I tried not to let them spill over thus causing me to be a little embarrassed.

A split second later I was in some ocean or lake with a U-shaped shoreline. It was pitch dark and I could barely make out my surroundings or any of the people around me as we all scrambled for shore. I swam into some brush dangling over the side and realized I could now touch the bottom. A minute later I was out of the water and we were heading down a dark deserted street. We came upon an old telephone barely visible under a streetlight. Somebody tried to call out from it to let others know where we were, but it wouldn’t work.

MONDAY, AUGUST 1, 2016
“Go ahead and keep your secrets. Only…in the world of social media, do you actually think you have secrets? Cuz you don’t. Nice try!”

This is Aly’s latest riddle. My first thought was that she stumbled upon the story journal I set up under a bogus name in another account on Prosebox and realized I was behind it, but then I quickly decided it was probably aimed at Kim. Kim probably set up another account that she didn’t tell her about, and then when she found out about it, it hurt her feelings because she felt “left out.”

I found she deleted the tweet when I got up this morning, so yeah, she just wanted Kim to see it and hopefully take the hint so that she didn’t have to confront her directly and risk getting dumped and then stalked for half a decade or more.

The house with the double-door garage got a new dishwasher delivered and installed, but other than some vehicle door slamming and hammering, it was a quiet day.

Stacey called at 9:30 this morning and I rescheduled my appointment with her for the morning of the 11th.

That’s pretty much it for today. Looking forward to my new skier arriving tomorrow. Busy building a “Skier” list on Amazon Prime Music since I’ll need all the entertainment I can get as boring as it will be. This should be easier to listen to books and watch TV with since it’s quiet, unlike the treadmill.

Later…

Aly and Kim did exactly what I knew they would do and changed links on Twitter. I’m just surprised it took this long. Not sure why they couldn’t simply protect their tweets, but I’m not going to bother hunting the new links. I just don’t give a shit about them anymore. They’re both way in the past and that’s the way it stays.

Our laundry/bath tiles have arrived as well! The flower design in the centers is the same, just different colors. The kitchen flower is a dark pinkish red with a green and white background. The laundry/bath tiles are mauve with the flower being a darker mauve.

It’s windy and cold tonight, so I will definitely be working out indoors.

The new heater I put by my desk is both compact and kick-ass.

I also got my new 10-pack of assorted bath bombs. Love how they’re the size of tennis balls instead of golf balls. I used the grape soda first. The only ones I might not like so much are eucalyptus and whatever the sinus relief one is. There was also blueberry, sandalwood, Cinna bun-bun, cucumber melon, snickerdoodle, lavender sage and pumpkin spice.

First I dreamed that somebody boarded up a large window in the center of a large wall because I complained that the work that had been done on the windows to the sides drove me crazy. So they were kind enough to just simply board it up rather than continue working on them, haha.

In another dream, I was on the road somewhere, maybe in the back of a van. I was on the phone talking to some young guy who said his girlfriend was everything he ever wanted and that he was set for life with her. I wondered if he was too young to be correct about that.

In the last dream, I was on probation for something when I suddenly realized I had failed to report for a while. In an attempt to cover my ass, I called and left a message with what I think was a female PO, saying that I tried to call her several times and was wondering why she hadn’t been out to see me. Then again, as I pointed out to her, it was only over something I said or wrote and not a violent crime that warranted being on probation in the first place, so I would understand if she didn’t bother with me.

Well, rest assured that I will never again allow any person, group or organization to legally screw me because of something I said or wrote that wasn’t threatening! If I’ve got something to say, I’ll say it, and no law is going to change that.