July 2016 in 2010s

SUNDAY, JULY 31, 2016
Had what I thought was a real period starting yesterday but all has been clear so far today. Forget “erratic.” This has gotten more like crazy. When they first became erratic there was still a degree of predictability in them, but not anymore.

Changed the rats’ cage and went to Goodwill. Got some incense and a cute squirrel figure to decorate the patio with.

Trying to figure out why the people next to the Twenties have a movie projector screen in front of their place. I’m guessing they’re using it to shade a particular plant.

Going swimming in a couple of hours. Right now the brats have the pool.

Got two more necklaces, one pink gems and silver, the other blue gems and silver. Both are beautiful but overpriced.

Ran into Virginia and gave her our new cell numbers. I asked her if they’d ever had woodpecker problems, and they haven’t. She says she doesn’t go to the pool, but Bob sometimes does. This doesn’t surprise me.

Had some interesting dreams last night. In one, we lived back out in the country. One of us left the door open and a big black bear wandered in. At first we were both holed up in the bedroom terrified. Eventually, Tom decided to go out and try to sweet talk it back outside. I stayed in the bedroom trying to listen through the door, terrified for Tom. After a while, I slowly opened the door to find both the bear and him sitting on the floor with him gently cooing to it.

“Do you want me to call 911 now?” I asked.

He said no, not yet, and that was the end of that dream. He got a kick out of it when I later told him about it.

Then I had this really cool dream about a house in which a river sort of wrapped around part of the living room. I don’t know if we lived there, but what was cool was how the walls raised up like a garage door at the push of a button, turning the living room into a dock and giving the feeling of having a floating living room. The river was greenish in color and in a heavily wooded area.

I also had a dream of running super fast down a curvy path in the woods. I began to wonder if it was worth going to wherever it led to (a friend’s place?) because it was not only getting dark but there were patches of mud that I didn’t want to slip on.

Later…

Oh, that felt sooo good! So good to get it all out after 3 years of sitting back in silence. Well, almost all of it out, anyway. Yes, we have finally voiced our opinion of life in this park in an anonymous survey. Finding brats at the pool yet again during hours they weren’t supposed to be was what prompted us to speak up.

As I learned the hard way from past experience… if you complain, people can’t handle it and they retaliate, no matter how legit and reasonable your complaint may be. Thanks to the freeloaders in Arizona, I often find myself hesitant to speak my mind. You just never know what kind of connections they may have. Then I realized that as a paying customer, I not only have every right to speak up when something bothers me but not doing so would really be letting them win. Like a rape victim is essentially letting her rapist win if she crawls into a shell and never lets herself out of it, I’m only letting the desert shitsters win by keeping my mouth shut. Oh, I don’t expect my two cents’ worth to change anything. It’s just that I can only keep quiet so long before I feel like I’m going to explode. I may be anti-revenge/vengeance (unless anyone ever harmed us), but I believe one should always have the right to say what’s on their mind if they can do it in a civilized manner.

Not wanting to overdo it, we agreed to mention no more than 3 things, so we chose the top 3 annoyances. The motorcycles roaring in and out, sometimes as early as 6am, was number 4, and the live band they sometimes have that penetrates these walls and my peace was number 5 on our list, so we left those out.

Number 1 is definitely the way too frequent landscaping and project sounds, especially the landscaping. It’s a big park. We get that. But restricting this racket to 2-3 days a week instead of near-daily in the summer and daily in the winter would be nice, so we can at least count on enjoying a few days off from it. The park’s gas-powered blowers are insanely loud.

Number 2 is the frequent water shut-offs. When we were told they sometimes have to turn the water off, we thought that meant a few times a year. Not twice a month.

Number 3 is finding screaming brats in the pool as often as we have after 1pm when they’re supposed to be gone. We didn’t sign on for that or else we’d have stayed in an all-ages community. Seriously, I’m sick of all the rules people break around here. We’ve got kids living in at least one house (though I never said anything because it’s not near us) and at least 2 households that we know of that leave dogs out overnight.

We still rate this park a 7 on an overall basis and understand that no place is perfect, but for the fortune we pay to live in an upscale luxury park, rules should be better enforced and the place should be quieter.

OMG, talk about a hilarious typo that auto-corrected quite incorrectly! Until I caught it, the last part of my last sentence read: for the fortune we pay to live in an upscale luxury park, rules should be better enforced and the place should be queer.

LMAO!

SATURDAY, JULY 30, 2016
Now doubting that account is Aly. Another account with the same name was created, and this one has an actual bio that’s definitely not Aly. Still think she and Kim will be back sooner or later, though. What amazes me is the lack of contact from Molly. If she still reads me, she’s doing a great job of hiding herself.

Even though it was a pointless waste of time and I should totally move on and forget those that don’t give a shit about me (I guess even I have a touch of Molly in me) I did reach out to Aly on Skype. I told her I miss her at times and that if she can be honest, I promise to keep my opinions to myself.

I tweeted that I went to Walmart and got those Fruit of the Loom boy shorts I like so much. How long do you think it’ll take Fruit to notice and tweet a hearty thanks for wrapping my ass in their cottony comfort? ;)

The AC had me worried again the other day. As I’ve learned, it’s not good to lower the temp right after it’s cycled off. I had to stop it and restart it and it got up to 83° in here before the compressor kicked in.

While I still think the statins did in fact make my throat sore, it’s official… the Squigle definitely was what prolonged the soreness. I stopped it for a while and restarted it as a test, and sure enough, my throat got scratchy again. Now the question is… would the soreness caused by the statins have eventually gone away? We read reports that were all over the place as far as that goes. Some said it was gone in a day or two, others said it never went away. I still need a break from anything other than my usual 75mgs of levothyroxine, so I’ll pass on finding out for now. I just knew that whatever was causing it wasn’t anxiety as the doctor tried to tell me she thought it was. I’ve been 99.9% anxiety-free lately and I’d like to keep it that way. One way to help do that is to stop the medication drama. This doesn’t mean I’m not making an effort to eat foods with low or no cholesterol, though. I am!

My new skier is to be delivered on Tuesday. Knowing it’s going to get boring after a while, I’m looking for a new show to watch since I’m caught up on Criminal Minds and Bates Motel till new seasons are added. I started Scream, though only 1 season is available right now.

Tom’s heading into work at 11:00. Oh, the OT he’s been wracking up with the changes going on at work. We love the money as it will help get shit paid off, but the poor guy has no life. The extreme OT shouldn’t last much longer, though.

FRIDAY, JULY 29, 2016
Was very unhappy to see some guy measuring The Twenties’ carport. Obviously, a garage is going to be put up and I’ll have to listen to that probably all next week since I’ll be on days. Again, amazing coincidence, huh? That Jackie just happens to get her hot water tank damage fixed right after our vacation, then it’s off to relandscape the house next to them, then Jackie moves out, the Twenties move in, and now they want a garage. So they can work in it? Tom said they’re not the kind to work in it. No, but they sure do a great job of hiring others to work for them and annoy the shit out of me while they’re at it.

It’s common for at least my neighbors to start off civilized, then get noisy a few months in. Besides, once the fall sets in the project frenzy is going to start back up on a regular basis. I just wish everyone could leave their walkways, roofs and shit like that alone for a while! These people obviously have money. We could tell that the day they moved in. So I’m sure I’ll be in for more than just one home renovation project. Really, why is it that I do a project and no one hears about it? Others do a project and I gotta know they’re every move.

It pisses me off every time I hear a motorcycle go by, another “coincidence” that became allowed when we moved in. I can feel AND hear them. They rumble so loudly I can feel the vibration in the floorboards beneath my feet.

Finished my 34th novel (that I didn’t trash). The Interviews is 10014 words before the final edit.

Made a 14-minute homevid for Tammy. She said she loved it as it made her feel closer to me. She wants to connect on Skype where I considered contacting Aly and Kim just to fuck with them, but said nah. I gotta let go. Besides, if they’re not already doing so, they’ll just run and block me from every account they create there.

I did contact Maliheh and Alyssa just for kicks, though I know I won’t hear about it if they get the message.

Yesterday I left Stacey a message to see if she could bump me up earlier, but she’s to be out of the office till the first.

Started using the Squigle toothpaste again to see if it messes up my throat. That and the dizziness have been much better. I still think it was started by the statins and prolonged by allergies.

THURSDAY, JULY 28, 2016
Looks like Aly rejoined Prosebox, just as I knew she would, so it’s a good thing I went back from MO to FO. The only thing that’s a little strange is that she’s listed as being a year older than she actually is and doesn’t have a bio or a profile pic. But the account name sounds totally her. I hope it is so I can enjoy knowing she looked for me to block me, and probably the “dream” account I used to have as well, only to be unable to find either account.

Love my new necklace with the purple roses and gems, and I love my new necklace holder just as much. It’s way better than my other one. It’s rose gold-colored and has 24 hooks. I have all my necklaces and bracelets on it, plus a few extra hooks. I could easily put 2-3 necklaces/bracelets per hook, though.

It was so hot out yesterday that my HR soared to the 120s just getting the mail. Looks like the “Twenties” (can’t explain how I gave them that nickname) are back to being a one-vehicle household.

Might have to reschedule my appointment with Stacey. I should’ve scheduled it 3 weeks out instead of 4. I’ll call later this morning and see if she can bump me up a week. If not we’ll just keep the appointment for the 10th and I’ll reschedule a day or two in advance if need be.

I’ve remained anxiety-free, but there’s no way to know how the EMDR is going to affect me unless something bad happens, but of course I don’t want anything bad to happen in the first place in order to find out.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 27, 2016
Walked a half-hour with Tom in perfect weather conditions. My hips are fine, but who knows how they’ll feel later? To think that I’m getting too “old” to run kinda pisses me off. I’m 50, not 80. Still planning on getting a skier to replace the treadmill with on days I work out indoors.

My little king (Burke) had fun going up and down the ramps to get treats, but his roommates don’t quite get that yet. They beg upstairs. I hear squeaking now, so they’re probably cleaning each other.

Yesterday proved that even us 50-year-olds can have some mischievous and immature moments. I wasn’t ready for bed but didn’t have enough energy left to do anything productive so I decided to do a little Aly retweeting and let my sarcastic side fly a bit. She basically bitched about her feelings being trampled on and I was enjoying seeing that karma bit her in the ass and I wasn’t afraid to say so. I could never hate her so bad as to wish she’d get hit by a bus or something like that, but it was kind of nice, even if two wrongs never make a right, to see someone have absolutely no regard whatsoever for how she feels.

She keeps saying I hate her. Wrong. I hated the lies and the phoniness. I hated being thrown away like yesterday’s trash. That’s what I hated. I hated making a point of checking in with her from the hotels in Florida, knowing she was suffering from depression, just to come home to be insulted by finding that she tweeted how she was looking forward to not hearing from me during my vacation.

A part of me even hoped she’d want to resume the friendship, not just because I missed the positive side to what we had, but so that I could feed her a taste of her own medicine and dump her. But I don’t think I could bring myself to do that because then I’d be just as bad as she was if I led her to believe I cared and would always be there for her, just to eventually claim I was tired of our differences and then cast her aside like trash.

Naturally, she ran and told Kim of the RTs and Kim went on her blocking spree before I got a chance to change links. No problem though. I just dumped that account and created a new one. Then I took the honor of blocking two of Kim’s accounts, even though I’m not going to let either one of them know about this account. It’s not private, but I made sure it can’t be found easily.

In regards to my tweet about finding it strange that she hasn’t tweeted about cancer or chemo, she tweeted that she no longer shares personal info. I found this when I got up.

She did a little RTing of her own, too. Some tweet about getting that you don’t like me but not caring.

She said it wasn’t so much that she didn’t care, but that she was over the “childishness” because there was nothing to gain from it.

No, I think she truly and honestly doesn’t care. If she did she wouldn’t have dumped me.

Last night I dreamed it was late at night. I might’ve just finished watching a movie in a theater somewhere. I was supposed to call my parents to come and get me, but couldn’t find their numbers in my phone and couldn’t remember them off the top of my head either. I began to really worry when some guy said I missed the last bus.

Then I was shopping with some woman and just had to have an encyclopedia for some reason. It was one big book that I got rather than a set. The woman bought it for me and I assumed it was just $10. She shocked me by saying it actually cost $100. Then I was pissed because I noticed that a few lines on each page were overlapped.

In the last dream, I was following Alyssa on Twitter who blew my mind by saying the pics from her latest trip were a present for her 48th birthday. In reality, she’s 35, but in the dream, I was flabbergasted to learn she was that old.

Later…

A tiny part of me is tempted to pray my ass off every single day for Stacey to one day befriend me if I can stop needing to run to her for shit that happens to me, but I know better. I know exactly what’s going to happen and that fate cannot be changed through prayer, even if there is a God. Only what’s meant to be is going to happen to us whether we pray for it or not. I totally believe that. That’s why some prayers go unanswered. We can’t just ask for whatever and always get it or else everyone would always have everything they wanted.

Again, I know what’ll happen… I’m going to see her one more time. Instead of dropping small hints and exhibiting body language (though not on purpose) that at least makes me think she might like me, she’ll come off as oh-so-serious and professional as ever and will probably give me just 20 minutes instead of 45.

Then I’ll go home and miss the shit out of her while I think of her every single day just as I have been with her and with Alyssa until they slowly begin to fade a bit by being replaced by someone else I can never have a friend. In 5, 10, and probably even 20 years from now, I’ll still remember her name, but she’ll have forgotten mine.

That’s what will happen, probably to a tee.

I went info diving on her again. I don’t know why I’m such an info whore, but I guess it’s like a fun game… sort of like a treasure hunt. The object of the game is to uncover whatever tidbits of information I can. Well, I got more than I expected to find and that includes Stacy’s exact address in Auburn. I even know that she has a three-bedroom, two-bath house that’s almost 2000 ft.² and was built in 1988. I looked at it via satellite, and to be honest, it doesn’t exactly look like anything I picture a clinical psychologist to live in. It looks like a regular neighborhood, though it is certainly nicer than average. I’m sure she could get a lot more for the place than we could get for ours. It’s much nicer than our old neighborhood in Phoenix where everybody had one floor and little box houses about 1200 to 1400 ft.² Some of these houses had two floors. Stacey doesn’t have a pool, but then when would she find the time to use it? Anyway, they’re what I describe as “tooth houses,” but they’re not jammed as tightly together as we were in Phoenix and many neighborhoods in the west. The driveways also don’t run alongside the homes but go right up to the house instead. I’m surprised that the house only has a single-car garage being as big as it is.

Stacey is also said to be the “most famous” psychologist in the area. Well, she’s the best I’ve ever had.

TUESDAY, JULY 26, 2016
Gonna make a home vid for Tammy only. The “tour” I’m going to give her is going to be as close to the real thing as we can get, just in case she never makes it out here.

I made a quick 40-second rat video to test sound and visuals and shared that with everyone on Facebook, plus a few other places.

Training the rats to go up and down the exit ramp using treats as bribes and rewards. So cute. Right now they’re enjoying the curtain scraps I cut out earlier and getting ready to bed down for the day.

Two years ago I got 3 sets of scenic curtains. I hung a beach scene by the front door and a garden scene in the dining area. The forest scene never got hung anywhere until today when I decided to replace the sheer lace curtain in the laundry room for extra privacy. It looks awesome in there! I’m amazed at just how great it looks. I just had to trim the bottom half off. The brown “window shutters” which open to the scene match the brown trim framing the window. The blue “sky” goes well with the blue walls, and the pink flower trees mixed in with the spruces add a nice contrast. I love how it adds privacy to that room while allowing me to still be able to see what’s going on in the street.

My throat’s been better and I’m wondering if the special toothpaste I got could have had anything to do with that, though I doubt it. Most likely the statins gave me a sore throat and then allergies kept it going for a while. But now that it’s really hot again it’s been better.

I gotta stop saying how much better I’ve been sleeping, because every time I do, I end up sleeping shitty. I woke up in pain a few hours after crashing. My whole body hurt. My hips didn’t hurt after my last long walk, but at this time my hips and my right shoulder were killing me. I don’t get it. How can Bob and Jim walk a mile or two each day being in their 80s with seemingly no problem at all, and I can’t? They’re skinny, though, while I’m 30 pounds overweight. Could that be a factor? And am I really getting arthritic? I read that it could be that or tendinitis or bursitis, and even less likely would be gynecological problems.

Anyway, I went back to sleep, then woke up with a stiff neck and now even my knees ache a bit. I don’t know what the hell’s going on for sure. Just gotta try to ignore it and make sure I don’t overdo things.

I first noticed joint issues in the early 2000s, which could’ve been connected to my thyroid crashing. So, since I may very well be getting too old for running and even such brisk walking, I’m looking into one of those non-electric no-impact skiers. I’m giving myself a break today from all workouts. No running, no walking, no strength training. Just some housework is all I’ll do today, along with my writing.

MONDAY, JULY 25, 2016
Went out walking together for an hour. No hip pain, so maybe I was just getting a little too inactive there for a while. Tammy said to ice it if it hurts. Still have my Bowflex workout awaiting me, and a house to clean. How did I once swim all day and dance on heels all night?

I’m wondering (and definitely hoping) if I’m getting toward the end of perimenopause because I haven’t had as many symptoms. I’m not dizzy all the time like I used to be, I’m sleeping a little better overall, I haven’t had anxiety, and I’m not hot flashing as much. I even had to turn the fan off the last two times I slept because I was actually chilly. In the middle of summer! Been keeping the house at 78° and it’s comfy. I used to keep it at 82° down in Arizona. I like the warmth. I drop it to 76° when I sleep, though, and if I’m doing anything physical like cleaning or working on the Bowflex, I set it at 77°.

When we were out walking we noticed these cute little umbrellas set up in front of someone’s house and thought they were strange but interesting decorations. Then we realized that given the angle of the umbrellas, they were probably shading what appeared to be little tomato patches. Bob and Virginia’s own tomatoes that they have growing in the front corner of their place look ripe and ready to pick.

I briefly read about the waitress who was fired for bashing Mexicans on Twitter and was like, you gotta be kidding me? Now your employment is based on your social life? I just think it’s really sad that people will waste the police and media’s time on such petty things, disagreeable or not, when they should be focusing on more important things. No one’s forced to read anything they don’t want to read, after all. What is it with this country claiming it has free speech anyway when your only “freedom” is to say what most people want to hear? I just think it’s a real abuse of law enforcement to go running to them because of what someone says or writes and not what they actually do. Hearing someone you disagree with isn’t like being assaulted or robbed. The cops should be putting their time and energy into rapists, robbers, arsonists and murderers and not someone that pissed you off or hurt your feelings.

Looking so forward to seeing Stacey! Yes, I admit it. I have come to have feelings for that brown-eyed brunette and I love our little get-togethers. A great guy… a great woman… how did I get so damn lucky?

Got some fun stuff coming from Amazon: A toe ring, a couple of swimsuits, a couple of necklaces, and a necklace holder.

Other than finding out where Stacey lives in her 3-bedroom, 2-bath house in Auburn that’s almost 2K square feet and built in 1988, I dreamed of sleeping on an airbed somewhere last night.

SUNDAY, JULY 24, 2016
On Friday I crashed early and ended up sleeping 11 hours. I was just really tired for some reason.

Then yesterday I couldn’t fall asleep to save my life. So after being up 19 hours, I took a lorazepam. Then it hit me… why not try warm milk next time I have trouble sleeping?

I’m just tired of being tired every other day or every few days if I’m lucky. I really have to make a point of getting all I can possibly get done on days I have enough energy to do so. It’s frustrating at times when I want to do things, but my body would rather not.

Today my mind and body agreed on a nice long 44-minute walk. I would have made it an hour if it weren’t for that damn left hip of mine acting up. I don’t get it. Bob’s 36 years older than me yet he walks two miles every morning without fail. I know it’s pointless to play the comparison game, but still… what’s causing it? Age? Am I becoming arthritic? Could it be tied to my thyroid? I enjoyed my nice, peaceful walk just the same. A little warm out there, but nice. Only one vehicle drove by.

Tammy said to ice the hip after working out.

My throat was good yesterday but worse when I got up. Tom said others at work are complaining of a sore throat that comes and goes. Ironically enough, it got better after my walk. I’m still getting sick of it. Sometimes I feel like I’m coming down with a cold or running a fever, but every time I check my temp, it’s fine.

Again I was ignored by Aly when this time “Meagan” tweeted to her instead of “Emma” (this is definitely it. I swear!), so yeah, she either knows it’s me or she simply doesn’t care to respond to strangers.

Gonna change the rats’ cage when Tom gets up. Cappy’s already been sent back to his old home.

SATURDAY, JULY 23, 2016
“Knowing that someone is around but not knowing why they’re being selective in who they talk to… Frustrating.”

Another Aly riddle on Twitter after I “liked” something of hers just to see how she may react. The first 5 words of this sentence had me thinking she was referring to me, but once I read on I wasn’t sure.

Here’s mine: Knowing I should move on from those who are dishonest and phony, but not being able to… Frustrating.

At least I haven’t contacted her as myself and likely never will. But maybe “Meagan” can and we’ll see what she says if anything.

I find it rather odd that she hasn’t spoken of cancer and chemo. She hasn’t even mentioned nannying.

Anyway, I haven’t a feeling she knows I’ve been lurking. I just don’t know how she knows it. She can hack accounts, but not without the alerts wired into their system alerting me. So… not sure what I’m doing to be so obvious.

I don’t think this “riddle” applies to me, though. She doesn’t give a shit about me. Therefore she wouldn’t care if I were selective about who I talked to. It’s probably a follower she’s trying to send an indirect message to. Something like, “Why don’t you pay the same attention to me that you pay to others?”

Waited for the temp to fall to the 70s so I could go out running. At 79° just after 11:00, I went out for 22 minutes. I walked more than I ran, though. My right hip was slightly annoying the last two times.

Looked at tips to lower cholesterol before lipid panel checks and they say to do 30 minutes of cardio 5x a week for that, and 60 minutes for weight loss and to raise “good” cholesterol while lowering “bad” cholesterol. They also say not to exceed 300 mg a day of cholesterol and to start two months before labs. Whole-fat dairy, eggs, organ meat and red meat are the biggest enemies, and I guess salt and sugar aren’t good either. The foods most recommended are oatmeal, apples, blueberries, raspberries and flaxseed.

These aging hips could never take an hour a day of cardio unless it was something like swimming.

High LDL or not, I can’t live on beans, potatoes and soup. Gotta get some variety in there. I’ll just be sure to stay away from Atkin’s.

Had dreams involving my parents and brother, but don’t remember what they were about. Also something about an outdoor event we attended and not wanting to park by the local loons when I recognized their vehicle nearby.

Here’s an interesting observation. Although we were all born in different months, between my parents and two siblings, our birth dates almost go in order. I was born on the 4th, dad on the 5th, and mom on the 6th. Then my sibs were born on the 15th and 16th. So a group of 3 and a group of 2.

Now get this. The dates of my parents’ and brother’s deaths, although also different months, are the 22nd, 23rd and 24th. So if Tammy dies first and she dies on something like the 12th, will I then die on the 11th or 13th?

FRIDAY, JULY 22, 2016
Tom scared the shit out of me when I got up after 7 to find he still wasn’t home. But then I quickly found out why on Skype. The battery died on the car. So he stopped at Sam’s, got a new one for $140, and they even put it in for him.

Got a message from someone in which Facebook said the message was temporarily removed because the sender had yet to verify their account. I could still see it, though. They wrote: Hello how are you doing today angel??

I ignored the message and they later verified the account, which has just one friend added and a few, likes. One is a rat group I follow. The profile pic appears to be that of a younger man in Italy that’s decent-looking.

I doubt our local nuts are behind it, as I would think I’d get something nastier than what I got. Doesn’t seem like anything any former friends would pull either. Probably just some old, bald slut looking for X-rated attention that found me through the ratty group.

We went walking after 3am and passed two vehicles and a couple getting into their car. I still can’t believe how active this park is, even at night, though there’s no comparison between daytime and nighttime noise. At night you almost always never hear anything while you almost always hear something during the day.

We almost got blasted by a skunk on our walk. The skunk must’ve been asleep behind a bush we passed. When we startled it the thing ran across the street, but for a minute it looked like it was going to head toward us.

The dizzies are back, but fortunately, it’s been mild and hopefully, it will stay that way. Still have ear and throat irritation at times, though my mouth is already improving since I started eating yogurt again. This time I won’t be dumb enough to stop that. Or my antibacterial soap.

I was hoping to get a little B&E on in my dreams, but instead of having fun breaking into the homes of hotties or enjoying the beach, I went to a large party. People of all ages were present. This included what I knew to be my lawn statues of children that amazed me by trading in their stone for flesh and coming to life. They tore through the place, laughing like hyenas.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 20, 2016
While I like this phone better overall, the two things I don’t like about it are that you gotta swipe to answer calls instead of tap, and the fact that when it dies it really dies. The other one would flash a low battery indicator and I’d charge it up, but it would still work and not take a year to charge. Well, this one died so bad it wouldn’t show me its progress when I first plugged it in, and took an hour just to get to 30%. Shouldn’t the thing be fully charged in an hour or less? From now on I’ll throw it in the charger before bed.

Had to choose between convenience and quality when it came to voice blogs on Tumblr and in the end I chose quality. Calling Tumblr’s line directly was quicker and easier, but Vocaroo sounds much clearer. It’s just a pain in the ass to have to convert it to an MP3 and then uploaded it to Tumblr, but when I’d call Tumblr directly, they wouldn’t always post the blogs and they had a two-minute limit per post. You can ramble all you want with Vocaroo, which I doubt I’ll use every day. I decided to make it a text and a voice blog. I’m sharing monthly blog posts there, but not daily stuff. It’s where I’ll discuss those darker things in life that some may find more depressing, hard to comprehend and controversial. I’ve chosen not to share it with anyone I presently know.

Yesterday I had no throat irritation but today my mouth feels gross. Wonder if it’s that flush thing. I’m gargling with salt water. Time to go back to yogurts, I guess, which can cause this if you stop eating them. I was just trying to avoid literally all cholesterol, even if it was something with a tiny amount in it.

Still no visual views from our local nutjobs. They were definitely afraid to contact me in public or else I think the harassment would’ve spilled over onto Blogger. Even though it seems incredibly unlikely, could they have served me without serving me? IDK, maybe someone’s been by to attempt to serve me and I never heard the door, so just like in Phoenix, maybe I dodged being served, though in Phoenix I knew it was coming, thanks to the black bitch’s threats warning me. Plus, Tom asked if I’ve had any nightmares, though when I asked if everything was ok, he said yes. Either way, I still don’t see how anything I did could’ve been even remotely illegal. So if I’m not expecting anyone, I’m not answering the door, though I have received some summons in the past via regular mail.

As usual, I woke up several times but slept better than I did the last time around. I had ocean dreams. I seemed to be on some excursion off of a small ship or yacht that was nearby. I asked a guy (the guy running the excursion?) how deep the water was where we were swimming and he said it was probably less than 20’ and that the water would be colder where it was deeper. Suddenly I felt the bottom beneath me as we neared this tiny little island.

Then there was something negative about Stacey. “We talked about that,” I either said or wrote, and I’m guessing it had to do with how we could never see each other outside of her office. More signs not to hope for a friendship later on down the road? Then again, do I really need any signs? I think common sense is enough. Even if it were ethical, and I think it would be after a year, past experience has taught me that the women I want in my life are always to be forbidden. I just don’t know why. Is there something about me that gravitates to the forbidden? Or is something up there guiding me to them as a tease or a form of punishment?

Hell, I still think of Alyssa to this day. Again, I never wanted to jump in bed with her any more than I do Stacey, being as old as I am now, but I still regret that we never got to be friends, as much as I understand why. Just to be a part of these women’s lives would’ve been nice, though. I’d rather impress them with something I’m good at than pleasure them or be pleased in bed, not that I could imagine bedding down with Stacey.

At the same time, I wouldn’t change a thing about my life (though it would be nice if Tom didn’t have to work so hard), I long for something to break up the monotony of things and spice up my life a bit. I crave interesting changes at the same time I hate change. Therefore, I’m not really sure what it is that I want. I’d love to have a pleasant-looking woman with a great personality be the icing on my delicious cake. But in my 50s I think of us chatting happily over coffee, and not the more X-rated things I’d have had in mind in my 20s. Like it or not, though, I should never see Stacey again after August 10th.

Tom said to ask if I could see her every 3 or 4 months if I wanted to, but I don’t want to hog up her time if I’m doing well, and then that 1% chance I may have of hearing from her later on down the road may be shot to hell for good.

Speaking of Alyssa, I hadn’t seen what she was up to for a while, so I ran her name. She’s marrying Donté Smith (so she didn’t just change that to be her last name on Facebook for how common it is), the black guy she’s been with, on September 15th. I figured she would eventually. She’d probably make a good mom too, though she doesn’t strike me as the mothering type. I think like many of today’s women she’s very career orientated.

Not surprisingly, they created a wedding website through The Knot, and have set up several gift registries. Also, not surprisingly, the weddings going to be a big to-do at a park in Tahoe.

First she wrote their story and it was very well written, too. Tae and Lys met as freshmen in college at 18 and 20, but since they were young and had lots to do, they went their separate ways for 7 years. Then one day she got his number through a mutual friend and she took it from there.

He proposed to her at their favorite spot overlooking the city by spelling out “Will you marry me?” with rose petals.

As I figured, he’s also in the health and fitness field. So… like most couples, they’re a carbon copy of each other except for the pigment of their skin.

One of the things they have on their registries is a Roomba vacuum. Smart choice, even if I find it strange that a couple that probably makes around a quarter mil a year would request gifts.

It was funny how she said that while they love kids, please don’t bring them unless you’re breastfeeding because they didn’t think the events would be appropriate for kids, and provided links to sitters.

LOL, really? Or could it be they don’t want the loud, destructive brats hanging around? And just what are these “events” going to entail? I know they have a hike planned for the day after the wedding. Don’t the happy newlyweds want some time alone? Just how in the world do a couple of doctors find the time to set all this stuff up anyway? And where do they get the money? If Alyssa’s parents were teachers, how did she get the money to “travel the world” and go to med school? Also, why did they wait so long to get hitched? After that 7-year break, Alyssa would’ve been 25. Well, she’s 35 now, so why did they wait a decade to decide to tie the knot?

Anyway, I’m happy for her. They do seem to be happy and despite the odds, I’d say they’ll always be together. I just wish I didn’t still think of her at times and have that “left out” kind of feeling. Then again, does it hurt anything if I do think of her?

Back to Stacey…if there’s absolutely no chance of meeting in the future, why didn’t she stop me and say something when I said certain things about her? Like how I like to hang out with calmer people, how I never would have met her if we hadn’t come to Cali, how great she looks, etc.?

Also, if she thinks she might consider contacting me someday, then why did she want to make sure I didn’t stop seeing her too soon? I mean, as a good therapist I’m sure she wants to make sure I’m stable regardless, but could she be hoping not to have to deal with me in the future, or could she hope to get me stable enough for a future friendship? The latter’s probably just a dream. Watch… she’ll seem just the opposite next time and maybe in a hurry to see me off, thus crushing any signs, however faint they may be, of us as friends later on. That’s how it usually works.

TUESDAY, JULY 19, 2016
Mr. Rattitude and the newcomers go nose to nose with each other through the ramp blocking the passage between levels, but no one’s gotten their noses, feet or tails bitten off, so that’s good.

Just when I thought I was sleeping better, I wake up a million times throughout my sleep. I feel well-rested, though, and that’s what’s most important.

I had loads of fun breaking into Alyssa’s house, even though she lived with her parents. Yeah, I had some fun and interesting dreams last night. No one was home (of course) and I’m not sure how I got into the house or why. I just knew it was where they lived. I looked around the place curiously, but of course I didn’t take anything. The longer I spent snooping around, the more I feared someone might return, so I went to leave the place. Just as I was heading down the driveway, I realized I had forgotten something I wanted to see, whatever that was, so I reentered the house. It was a good thing too, because I’d left my jacket inside which I’d taken off so I could look around more comfortably. On my way out I twisted the knob on the door handle behind me, not wanting them to find an unlocked door or suspect anyone had gone roaming around their house. It then occurred to me that I should’ve worn gloves because I’d left my fingerprints on that knob as I turned it. I moved quickly down their driveway in hopes of two things… that someone else’s fingerprints would override mine, and that no one had witnessed me coming or going.

In another dream Andy and I were exchanging voice messages, then we were talking live.

MONDAY, JULY 18, 2016
Still have occasional earaches and throat irritation, but it’s been wonderful not being dizzy. I’ve had more energy, too. Not sure what the story is with my lungs at times, though. Most of the time they’re crystal clear, but sometimes I get tight and even a bit congested. Wonder if it’s due to the unusually cool weather we’re having once again. The last two days haven’t felt like July here.

I woke up after about 5 hours of sleep. I was tight then. I laid there for about an hour till I fell back asleep (haven’t taken lorazepam in days). Then I had a slight wheezing and coughed up whatever crap had gotten stuck in my lungs.

The spotting I had stopped and I’m hoping this is it. I won’t start really getting excited till I go more than two months without a real period. Then a year later I can have fun using leftover pads to wipe down the shower walls or something. :)

Took a walk this evening down to the lake. There was a full moon visible and the moonlight reflecting off the surface of the lake was absolutely beautiful. Beautiful homes to the left, ducks afloat to the right… sometimes I can’t believe I live here. It may be noisy, expensive and too cold most of the year, but it is gorgeous. Love some of the sounds the ducks make because they almost sound like they’re laughing.

I did something I never did before and I circled around the entire lake for variety in my route, but I’m not sure I would recommend it to Tom because he doesn’t have good balance. There were some muddy sections and if he slipped on the ice up in Oregon, he would probably slip on the mud. On top of that, I picked up some sand behind me as I walked and it lodged inside my sock and rubbed against me with my movements, irritating the skin in that area.

The babies are now taunting Cappy, LOL. There’s a little section of their floor, which is also his ceiling, that’s not solid and they can peer down/up at each other. We locked the ramp, preventing the babies from going downstairs and Cappy from going upstairs. Both sections are so big that there’s plenty of room for numerous rats on both first and second stories. Anyway, they’re taunting him by sticking their noses down through the wire, knowing that they’re safe and probably frustrating the hell out of Cappy, now unable to pick on them as close as they are.

Tom brought up a good point. He wonders if the babies were so timid due to being so confined. Pretty sure they were in 10-gallon aquariums, and now that they’re in a huge wire cage, they might’ve felt overly exposed in ways they weren’t used to.

We got wood shavings from Walmart but it’s too dusty. I’ve got the air cleaner on high now. If they bother my lungs, they might bother the rats’, so we will stick with paper because we hate pellets. The pellets are way too heavy. We change the cage every week so there’s no way it’s going to “shorten their lives” as the loonies tried to claim. Almost all our rats have lived between two and three years and that’s the norm.

I’m just glad the psycho who wants her “grandbabies” back because I’m “hurting” them by using paper bedding and stirring up her PTSD because of my honest and legal, though negative review, has stopped harassing me by phone, email and Facebook. I don’t think they’re reading my blog anymore either, and as much as I know I was/am innocent of any wrongdoing, I will admit that the two times I saw them on my visitor list was a bit creepy. So… closed chapter of my life.

Last night I dreamed I was on a cruise ship. I’m not sure where we left from, but we were on our way up the East Coast to see my parents in New England who were alive in the dream. They’re always alive in my dreams but at least it’s only my dreams. At one point in the dream, Tom was off doing whatever and I decided to go get a bite to eat. Only a few scattered people were around because it was between meals.

Suddenly realizing that I was in my pajamas and not feeling very comfortable about it, I doubled back to our stateroom. On the way, a few women were commenting on a large doll one of them made in some type of class they offered. One woman asked another if she had enough room in her suitcase to pack it in since the trip was almost over.

I went back to the room and decided to wait there until our name was called for dinner. When they finally called our name, Tom hadn’t returned.

Then I overheard some cops aboard the ship talking about Caroll Spinney, the guy who plays Big Bird. I stopped by to let one of them know that I personally knew him even though I hadn’t seen him in many years because my childhood friend was his adopted daughter, which is true and real life. I wonder if he still has his awesome house in Connecticut.

SUNDAY, JULY 17, 2016
My babies are nocturnal so they’re pretty active now. They’ve grown noticeably since receiving them.

Went out walking the last couple of evenings. Weather’s gorgeous, too. What surprised me was the house where the kids live. An older guy and a girl of about 10 stopped me along the way to ask if I’d seen their dog. He said he usually goes out the doggy door and comes right back, though the kid said he usually goes to the neighbor.

A doggy door and a dog allowed to run to the neighbors in an adult community where dogs are supposed to be indoor pets only??? I still don’t get how they could have kids living there these last few years like they have either.

Had throat irritation yesterday, but it’s better today. I honestly don’t know what to make of it. Or my period for that matter. Hoping this is it and I’m at the end of the perimenopause phase, but can’t say for sure just yet. I’ve had spotting since the 14th, though, and I usually only spot for a day before it takes off full swing. Oh, the joys of being a woman.

Had a couple of funny and interesting dreams last night. In one I was in a hotel room with Mark and Tammy. It looked more like a suite actually, but anyway, I heard Mark enter and I ran through the place and into the kitchen where Tammy was. He placed a large pizza box on the table, which was to be our dinner, then he complained that it cost $85. He said that was ok, though, because it would feed us for days. LOL

Then I was with Nane. I looked in on her Facebook account last night so that probably triggered the dream. She still looks smoking hot, too. Her age only shows in her face.

In the dream, some guy was harassing us. He looked at her and said, “What are you… six-one, six-two?”

She remained quiet, though in real life she’s five-eight. I knew she wanted me to run, but I refused to leave her alone. Not sure what happened in the end, though.

Later…

Damn you, Cappy! We tried moving him in with the 3 rats we adopted as rats almost always get along with other rats. But sure enough, the bastard picked a fight with poor Burke, so he’s now carrying out his life sentence in solitary confinement just as he would prefer. So it wasn’t Hoodie, after all, to start the fights he’d have with this shit rat. I don’t know what this guy’s problem is or why he’s so vicious. We’ve never ever had a rat like this before. He hates to be handled. He hates humans. He hates other rats. The only thing he doesn’t hate is food. I’ve regretted getting him from day one, but Tom insists we keep him. Thank God rats don’t live as long as cats and dogs! He was born around December of 2014, so he’s still got another year left in him, but hopefully less.

But now Burke is a bit traumatized and who knows how long he’ll take to loosen back up. I was making such good progress with him, too. I feel like Cappy’s undone all I’ve accomplished with him, though Tom doesn’t think so. For now, Burke is still giving me a rat’s version of the silent treatment, and Cappy’s lucky I don’t beat his ass.

Tammy’s having surgery tomorrow. She said something about them cutting nerves in the middle of her spine. It gives me chills just thinking about it. Really hope this helps lessen her pain so she can toss aside the cane!

My ear is aching again, but I haven’t had any dizziness recently. It’s been wonderful. Maybe I’m almost done with the perimenopause. I hope so! Never got a real period this time around; just some spotting. I’m even sleeping better.

Got the phones set up, but still have to copy my MP3s over. It’s definitely easier to use than our other phones, which will be mailed in for $25 each once we’re sure these phones won’t have any issues.

My brainpower has definitely improved since we first got our last numbers because I memorized the new numbers fast.

Is the crazy war vet still peeking in on me and did she see last night’s posts? Don’t know and don’t care. How fucking dare they make the demands of me they made, though. And fuck their threats, too. Seriously, if they really are connected to law enforcement and can push this petty shit and make the same mountain out of a molehill the freeloaders did, I totally meant it when I said I won’t fall for it. Never again will I have someone “order” me to court as if I were a child, and all for speaking my mind. If I’m ever in a courtroom again, it will be to sue someone or to testify as a witness or something like that.

I had a dream that Tom appeared to be signing to Miss Perfect, though I knew it wasn’t really “signing.” Then he said we were going to file suit against Evelyn for $275.

In another dream, we moved into a condo in which my bedroom was attached to the dividing wall. I liked how quiet it was, but knew the peace wouldn’t last long because the adjoining place was empty and it was just a matter of time before it sold.

Then Tom was making these sexy female figures appear that were about 6” long using some high-tech computer program.

Lastly, I was meeting with Stacey when my mother of all people suddenly appeared, making me feel like I couldn’t talk with Stacey as openly as I’d like. Stacey seemed more distant too, just like I’m guessing she will be the next time I see her.

SATURDAY, JULY 16, 2016
OMG, what a whack job! I just noticed this crazy message that came in at 2am last night in my “other” box on Facebook from Mommy Dearest. She must’ve lost Tom’s number because she hasn’t called him.

Some of what she’s saying is bullshit and some of it I don’t even understand. She’s not only highly delusional but such a shitty writer that a lot of what she says gives me a WTF? moment. All of it, however, is positively insane. I had no idea she was this crazy. It’s sad when people like this have kids. What a great example she’s setting for any kids/grandkids she may have.

I reported her message as harassing and insulting and blocked her.

Really hope these nut jobs back off real soon. I refuse to feed the trolls like I stupidly did with Kim and Molly. I’m not mentioning them in the blog at all. But will they come after us be it by themselves or through the law? Innocent of any wrongdoing or not, I know how twisted our laws can be, and people do tend to side with those with kids.

I don’t get the part about “you pop up on her face” or “in court you can invade my daughter’s life of living with autism, and about why I’m a disabled vet.”

I don’t know why she’s a disabled vet and I don’t care. That has nothing to do with being promised calm rats that are really skittish. They’re getting better, but still have a ways to go.

The crazy signs were there from the start; I just didn’t see them. It’s probably not only been her and her alone that I’ve been talking to, but when we met in the parking lot, the first thing out of her mouth was being a disabled vet. Again, like we care? Like it matters?

Then she put one of the rats up to my ear and said to listen to his breathing cuz he was having problems. I heard nothing.

“Check their breathing every night,” she told me.

And what am I supposed to do if they make any funny sounds, give them a shot of my inhaler?

Again, this makes no sense because she claims to use bedding that can’t mess with their lungs. It’s the stuff we’re going to try to see if it’s worth it. We’ve just been anti-wood shavings due to the dust in them, but these Eco-Shavings are said to be triple-screened for dust.

When she mentioned what’s probably her fictitious sheriff friend seeing pics of her grandbabies and me insulting her grandbabies, I was like, WTF? Just WTF? What grandbabies? And then I realized she was referring to the rats as her grandbabies. Tom and I were ROTFL over that one!

She makes like I’ve sent dozens of messages to them when in fact it wasn’t even half a dozen exchanges after I told them how I felt about them, and that was days ago. They’re the ones still hanging onto me… calling, emailing, messaging, etc. Hope they keep it up, though. It doesn’t make them look very good. Meanwhile, I’m the one that’s had to block them on Facebook yet they want me to leave them alone?

“The sheriff is reviewing our stuff.” This contradicts what she said before. She can’t keep her story straight. They got all these orders they want, and then they’re looking to get them.

The “I hope your period gets better” is a little funny. But they’re starting to scare me. These nuts aren’t in CT or TX. They’re right here in town! Made a post about a friend having a stroke and thinking of flying out to see her. Hopefully, this will get them to back off, but that will depend on just how crazy they really are. Here’s Dee Dotson’s little rant:

Just to let you know, we took pictures of all the slander. Also looking at the cage due to you not using right litter that we asked you to buy, within 2 weeks your babies will start getting sick, and the felt, when they per on it, they chance getting merca, a respiratory illness that will shorten their lives. They are not potty trained yet. Due to the stress you caused my autistic daughter, and your post showed I told you and you don’t believe it, I am seeking a restraining order and a cease and desist. When you know someone has a disability, and you pop up on her face, And send slandering remarks to her about the one thing she loves, there’s a crime,crimes against the disabled. You also criticized my grandbabies. I’m also a veteran and you triggered my PTSD. So you may have changed your blog, but I had my daughter print them out right away. Sadly,your rat’s will be sick because you chose not to listen. I feel sorry about your neighbors you blog about, and I hope your period gets better. Yes, I read all you sent to my child. The sheriff is reviewing our stuff, and in court you can invade my daughters life of living with autism, and about why I’m a disabled vet. I feel sorry for you. Don’t point fingers till you look at yourself. I’m asking you to leave us alone. Im printing this for the sheriff, and I will keep calling for Tom to get back the rate that you lied about. Our sheriff friend also knows these rats, and saw pictures of my grandbabies They were scared from the move. Let Tom know I need to reach him, and I would like him to see the 14ths morning post before you changed it. We copied it all. We love our rats,as do my grandbabies. We will take them back and you can go to a pet store.

Later…

Written for the nutjob:

Oh, crazy war vet, you are a persistent little one, aren’t you? Yeah, it’s playing peekaboo on me now. Yeah, peekaboo… I see you… including your exact location. But since you’re just full of silly threats and senseless words as of yet and haven’t hunted us down to beat us up or anything, I’ll refrain from sending an officer to your door to talk to you about how being in business may not be right for you. You see, all businesses are bound to get negative reviews at times. It just goes with the territory. But if you can’t handle honest and legal reviews, then perhaps a career change is in order? Just something to think about. :) People aren’t “lying” to you. They’re giving you their honest opinion about doing business with you.

Also, do be informed that I’ve been blogging regularly since 2008 and always keep on blogger’s rights/laws. In no way shape or form have I broken any laws. If I had I’d already have been arrested or summoned. This country is very word-sensitive and takes written material quite seriously. I never use last names. Ever. But first names are legal and so are businesses that are a matter of public information. Comprendeme? So subpoena away, Mommy Dearest, but do know you’ll never get that day in court you so desire. Nor will you get these adorable, lovable rats back who are adjusting nicely, are potty trained, and are learning a host of other things as well.

As for whomever it was that said the autism was no one’s business… then why’d you tell us in the parking lot?

Ok, you have read the last you’re ever going to read about yourselves so long as you don’t ever come to our door or harm us. I have given you the benefit of removing your daughter’s first name and the abbreviated business name, even though I don’t owe you that much and it wasn’t illegal.

Now, here’s what you can and cannot do in the future. You can read my blog all you want and print away to your little heart’s desire. But you cannot and will not ever again contact my husband or me by any means possible. There will be no phone calls. There will be no email. There will be no comments or messages on any other website, including this one. No contact means NO CONTACT. We want absolutely nothing to do with you and you have been a closed chapter in our lives and will stay that way. Now stop playing victim and move on!

FRIDAY, JULY 15, 2016
Happy 70th birthday to Linda Ronstadt. I wonder how much her Parkinson’s is affecting her these days.

Woke up to the tune of landscaping but no more than a missed call from New York after yesterday’s crazy calls from Leslie’s mother. No more online threats or harassment either.

OMG, if you can’t handle a bad review here and there, which any business would get from time to time, then why the hell bother to go into business in the first place? I’m so fucking sick of those that can’t handle the truth if it’s not what they want to hear!

I filled out a form that was on their Facebook page, and because the review was partly negative and they didn’t like what I had to say about my experience with them in my blog, they started threatening me with court, slander, and getting a cease and desist order to take back the rats because I’m “hurting” them. In the 2-question survey, I said “yes” to the rats being healthy and “no” to them being as sociable as expected.

Anyway, the mother is absolutely crazy. She left two LONG messages rambling on and on about the same things over and over again, one in which she spoke longer than the time allotted. She said to have Tom call her back and give the rats back to her because she didn’t wish to meet with me and she was sure he had “no problem” with them. Oh, and she was at the piggy station.

She claimed I was ruining their business, they’ve got years of great reviews, etc. Well, if that’s the case and I’m the only bad review, then how can ONE bad review “ruin” their business?

I also got an email from Leslie who said not to bother replying, as I’m to go through her mother from now on.

Both of them demanded our address and threatened to have the cops get it if I didn’t provide it, but of course neither of us called them back or replied to their bullshit email. As I learned 16 years ago, if you don’t succumb to threats (and possible court calls), then they can’t burn you. So unless the pigs kick our door down over a review and ultimately end up making us very rich because of it, I’m not going to play legal games with these overly sensitive emotional wimps who can’t handle a negative review.

In the one view that I can see that they made of my blog yesterday afternoon, my tracker pointed out their exact location. Good to know in case I need to do to them what I should’ve done to a few people in Arizona, though confronting them face-to-face is the last thing I want. That’d only be as a last resort if I were backed into a corner or something. But unless she was just bluffing about going to the pigs, the pigs actually did the right thing by informing her that I broke absolutely no laws and they weren’t going to waste time taking back a few rats over a bad review. Besides, Google and Facebook can back up the fact that I didn’t do anything illegal.

She went on and on about how I was stirring up her PTSD and that she would have to be medicated along with Leslie… how dare I say anything about an autistic child… she’s got papers from Kaiser to prove she’s autistic… it’s a crime to state an autistic child’s name, state and business, etc. Lastly, don’t get scared but someone will be by to serve me for slander.

Number 1, Slander is spoken defamation of character. When it’s in written form it is called libel.

Number 2, I only use the rattery’s initials, though there’s no law that says I couldn’t have just spelled it out as I simply gave my opinion on them and didn’t threaten to blow them up. There are many blogs for just that purpose; to review businesses.

Number 3, I never mentioned the state in conjunction with anything I said in my review.

Number 4, I only used Leslie’s first name while THEY have Leslie’s name and state right on their site.

Number 5, If Leslie is a minor (though I was under the impression she was a young adult) then the business can’t be hers. She’s got a hyphen between two last names. Wouldn’t that make her married?

Number 6, If what I said was illegal, then every negative review on sites like Yelp would be also.

Number 7, My review/blog does not “endanger” them in any way as Leslie claimed in her email, and I didn’t “do a lot of assuming” about them. I only wrote what I experienced firsthand.

Number 8, What do Leslie being autistic and the mother (I don’t even know her first name), have to do with my review? That’s irrelevant and has absolutely nothing to do with anything I’ve said. My review was about the rats I bought from them. Not their personal lives. I have nothing against autism or any other disability and hate it when people abuse or insult the disabled. I also hate when people use their abilities as a crutch or an excuse. Just like I hate it when blacks use the race card in their favor when race was never the issue, these people are obviously using Leslie’s autism and Mommy Dearest’s war vet status as a weapon against my honest and very legal review.

Leslie signed off with, please take it down (what I said in my blog), give us the rats back, and let’s forget we ever met so you can continue blogging about your hatred of things on Facebook. She also threatens to get their lawyer involved if it’s not down by the end of the day.

LOL, I don’t blog on Facebook, though I do sometimes enclose stuff in notes for Tammy. She’s the only one I’ll share this entry with. Don’t want to give them any negative attention they may crave. You know, as in “Don’t Feed the Trolls?” If there’s any more harassment on their part, then yes, this may go public. They’re never going to get these rats back, but I did at least give them the satisfaction of deleting past blogs, even though I don’t owe them shit. Again, it’s not illegal. It’s just not what they want to hear. But I deleted them if only to stop the fucking emails and phone calls. They don’t have more than a few days to call us, though. As I said, we’re getting new numbers with the new phones so we can have the proper area code.

I’m surprised they only viewed my blog once. I’m guessing they disabled cookies? Other than that one local view, no one in my state has been in that I know of.

Meanwhile, if you feel you have to medicate yourself because someone gave your business a negative but legal and honest review, that’s not my problem. So serve, serve and serve away because I’m not going to court. I wouldn’t answer to some bully on the streets who demanded I do this or go there, and these people are no exception. I doubt I’ll hear from them again, but let’s hope not for their sake.

I could kick myself for letting their fucking phone calls get me anxious enough to call Tom. After what happened in Arizona, well, it’s to be expected just like medication will always make me anxious. But yeah, my heart raced and my hands shook much in the way the medication made me do. But this was different. It’s just a lot less scary when an external force is causing it, but once I calmed down enough to realize I had absolutely nothing to fear from these assholes, I was fine.

Still have traces of throat irritation and I just don’t know what to make of it at this point. Did the statins cause permanent damage to my throat, or was the doctor not kidding when she said she thought it was anxiety?

I also had that strange sensation in the left side of my neck just now while sitting here reading what I wrote. It’s like a pulsing or “moving” sensation. It was like what I woke up with a week or so ago. I don’t usually get that sitting upright while in a calm mood, but Tom’s probably right about it just being my ear draining.

Chatted with Lori on Facebook for the first time in a while. I’ve got her crazy cousin blocked, though. I deleted Lori for a while because she can be a bit of a pest at times, but if loneliness is her worst crime, so be it. She can pester me every now and then.

In last night’s dreams, I was in some airport wandering around by myself and trying to figure out where the gate was that I was supposed to board. It seemed no one would help me and that I did a lot of walking. I told myself I would at least have a long flight in which to get off my feet, just as soon as I could figure out what gate to go to. I passed Christine along the way but wasn’t sure she recognized me.

Then I was in a room with 3 lights. I could only get one of them to work. Then two other women were in the room and one tried to convince the other to have the carpet cleaned. I said, “That would be better than having the other lights fixed because I play on the floor with my rats all the time.”

THURSDAY, JULY 14, 2016
Met with Stacey today in Rocklin. I’m going to miss the hell out of her when I’m “cured,” so to speak, LOL. Seriously, is it possible to have a “crush” on someone you’re not attracted to? Stacey’s neither attractive nor ugly, but she sure has a helluva personality you can’t help but admire and feel comfortable with. It’s almost magnetic.

The waiting room there is huge but always empty, and Stacey’s never late.

One of the first things she asked me was whether or not I thought doing more EMDR would be helpful and I told her that I was already feeling more confident about things in general and so I wasn’t sure. So instead of doing more of that she basically asked me what next? What do I hope to accomplish next in life? As I told her, I don’t have any grand plans. Just to live in peace without any serious drama going on would be plenty good enough for me. Part of that should come from not having them give me different drugs/doses. I told her about the sore throat I had both of the times I started Pravastatin.

“My doctor blames too much, as many seem to, on anxiety. I could break a leg and she’ll tell me it’s anxiety,” I told Stacey, and she asked if I thought the doctor was a good match. Don’t see how I could really do much better, though she’s definitely better than my old doctor was.

“She was only good as eye candy,” I told her. She laughed at that one.

As for Doc A, eh, at best I can at least throw her in a story and kill her, haha.

I also had to admit it was kind of funny to end up seeing her because I was pretty much terrorized by the same drug she’s on. She’s on 50 mcg. That’s exactly the dose I would expect her to be on being that she probably weighs what I used to weigh… about 100 pounds. She was shocked when I told her how much I weighed. Muscle is heavier than fat. Her face is a bit dull and in some ways, she’s almost too skinny (we’re about the same height), but her skin is amazing for pushing 60. It’s flawless and void of wrinkles and sagging. I look like a roadmap on the other hand with all my veins and shit showing through such pale skin, but I absolutely cannot take the sun. Not without a pool and not for long even with one.

As I pointed out, what happened to me can and does happen on levothyroxine, but it’s not very common, so she need not worry about any racy hearts and emotional twisters of her own. Besides, she’s postmenopausal, so she doesn’t have the hormonal changes going on to help fuel that effect. “God help you if it ever does happen to you, though,” I told her, “as it will probably be your worst experience in life.”

We talked about family and I gave her a quick crash course of the main highlights of my life. Once she had a basic bio, she asked about Tammy and I told her she was pretty much the only family I had left after telling her about her health problems. She asked how her death would affect me and I told her that despite our past problems, it would definitely be an emotional thing for me. Although I think she still has a lot of life left to live, I can’t deny that I can’t “see” her here just like I couldn’t see myself ever seeing my parents again when they walked out our Phoenix door in 1997. Still got a bad feeling for when she’s about 62 – especially 63 – but hopefully it doesn’t mean anything.

I told her I never did or will forgive my mother, but my dad I’m kinda torn on. I hate how he let her control things so much, but it might be hard not to want to run into his arms if he suddenly materialized before me.

She asked other things like how long I’ve worked at home, and I told her about that and how I was on disability before I met Tom. She didn’t know that one till I told her. She asked if I considered myself disabled, and well, I’m pretty much disabled without being disabled. The sleep disorder keeps me from working, and not driving doesn’t help, but that doesn’t mean I can’t “work.” Just look at all I do here at home, after all. On top of that, I’ve written over 30 books and studied over half a dozen languages. So as long as I stay away from numbers and a few other things, disabled isn’t how I’d describe myself. She agreed.

She said she would guess I was very bright in school. That’s flattering, but it was actually the opposite. I did ok in science and English, but given the issues I had at the time and the fact that I catch on quicker if I teach myself things so I can go at my own pace, I didn’t do that well overall. These days I thirst for knowledge and I love to learn.

She asked about Tom’s health and my overall physical activity. Well, I skated around New England, twirled across the stage naked in Arizona, ran along the ice and snow in Oregon, and now I ride the hills of Cali on my bike. So yeah, I keep active.

She has family in Florida too, and she talked about how the summer humidity is a real killer there. That would be something that might stop us from moving there, but we’ll see.

After listing the states we’ve lived in, I said I sometimes wish we’d skipped Oregon and Cali and just gone to Florida from Arizona, but then I would always be wondering what it would be like to live here if we’d done so. Sprinkled in with the disasters were many fun and interesting adventures. “Batman,” Liz, Estella, Jane and Jan are definitely some of the most memorable people we met up in Klamath.

“But had we skipped K-Falls and NorCal, I never would’ve met you, Bob, Virginia, and others,” I told her.

“What did you used to do before the Internet days?” she asked me.

Uh… hang out with the wrong people and cause trouble. I told her I wasn’t very choosy back then and would pretty much be friends with anyone and put up with a lot of shit I wouldn’t put up with now. Yes, I’ll miss Alison at times. We had some good times. But I could never resume our friendship even if she wanted to because the trust is completely and totally gone.

Then she asked me if I ever got lonely working alone at home. Not usually, but sometimes I do. I told her why I’m hesitant to meet new people, and that friends can’t be forced any more than love can be. Tom wasn’t “planned,” and the best of friends that I’ve had, even if the friendship didn’t last forever, wasn’t sought out or planned in any way.

And then there’s my uniqueness to consider. I’m ordinary but not so ordinary at the same time, as I also told her. What many may find weird or even crazy is simply me just being me. Yeah, I do weird things. I don’t decorate “normally,” I don’t dress my age, and my brash ways can really put a lot of people off and I know that. But it’s just me being me, not meant to offend anyone. Many people would rather hear what they want to hear than the truth, as was the case with Aly. I tell people what I’m really thinking and that’s just not always acceptable in our society.

There’s also the fact that most people are running around looking for duplicate copies of themselves. It’s fine to have some common ground, but Tom and I are just one of the few people who believe in the “opposites attract” thing. As he once said, he brings a little calmness into my life while I bring a little wildness into his. We balance each other out nicely.

“You like people that are calmer, huh?” she asked.

“I’d say so, yes. People tend to either hate me or love me,” I told her, “and there’s very rarely any in-between.”

I also told her that I’m tired of being the one to usually reach out to people be it for the first time or to patch things up with those I’ve had problems with in the past. It hasn’t always been me, but most of the time it’s been on me. Look how many people I’ve looked up and contacted on Facebook compared to those who’ve looked me up. If that many people have looked me up, then they sure kept quiet about it. Seriously, I’m tired of being the one to reach out and apologize for my part in any past problems with whomever and hope they do the same and are willing to move on with me. Let’s see someone else, be it that I already know or that I’ve never met be the one to come to me first for a change.

Smart and calm is the type of person I usually gravitate to. You don’t have to have money and you can even have a dry sense of humor, but I like an overall decent and nice person who’s trustworthy and reliable. A mature person who’s just nice in general.

“But all the nice people are usually out of the question,” I told her. “They either end up being my therapist or halfway around the world.”

“Maybe I’ll be surprised,” she told me, and she does have a point. “Tom sure was a surprise.”

It isn’t that there aren’t any nice people in the park, but they just don’t “feel” right. At least not anyone I’ve met as of yet. Being friends with just anyone is like taking just anyone as a lover, and that never cut it for me. I honestly can’t see myself being “friends” with any of these people so much as just “friendly” with them. Since being in this state there haven’t been many people I’d consider being friends with Josephine and Michelle from the hotel, Doc Hottie, Shannon and Stacey. So basically, the ones that appeal to me as potential friends are the ones I do business with while the ones I live with are the dull ones. Go figure.

At the end of our session, she said something about how my childhood could affect and be related to many hardships I’ve had as an adult. Yeah, I figured that out decades ago. So if I didn’t think I needed to work on any past issues, did I want to see her again or not? she asked me. She said I could always come see her if I needed to, of course, or I could make an appointment.

I asked her what she thought would be best. Things have been up and down and unpredictable, but I’m hoping that things will finally stabilize for more than just a few months and that the past won’t return to haunt me. As Aly mentioned the other day, just when she thought things were going great, bad things happen.

Then she goes, “Well, the last time you thought it’d be best not to make an appointment…”

“…And look what happened,” I finished for her.

We both laughed and stood up. I visually scanned her tiny, windowless office as she made me an appointment for August 10th (OMG, a whole month off from appointments?!). Then being the nosy, curious person that I am, I asked if the cards she had on a pegboard were from patients, and she said yes.

My nosiness spilled over to the Internet and I did some more digging once home from the KFC we stopped at on the way back.

So Stacey’s Jewish and she’s been to Israel. Sometimes you can dig up more info if you run the names of people related to a person. When I was telling her I was named after my grandfather, she told me her sister Benne (pronounced Bennie) was named after their grandfather Ben. Found pics of her and other friends and family in Israel. Benne’s fat like me but better looking than Stacey. You almost wouldn’t think they were sisters.

On the ride home the answer to her question hit me. The one where she basically asked, “What next?”

Take back the park. Take back the enjoyment of living in a gated community, which my health issues had stolen from me, and not be afraid to go on the 2-mile runs I used to go on alone, weather permitting. Now that my anxiety has backed off, so has the fear. I’ve been able to circle close to home for quite a while now, but now it’s time to run the perimeters by myself. No more waiting till Tom can go with me.

Later…

The rats were hilarious this morning when I got up. They now know that they get a sliver of bread and lettuce when I get up. So they all raced excitedly to the upper doors of their cage. They practically tackled me playfully when I opened it and leaned in against the cage, especially Burke. He’s the definite leader of the pack. Anytime Simon or Dumbo tried to climb on me, Burke would nudge them aside, determined to get the most attention. He nips when he gets playful just like Romeo used to, but he’s harmless. Rats get bouncy and jump up and down when they get excited, and it was so cute to see. Although they’re still a little skittish, it’s nice to see them get more and more relaxed and to see them happy. They have an awesome cage in an awesome home. Next weekend is when we’re going to move Cappy in with them. This cage is so big it could easily house a dozen rats, though 4 is plenty.

Our new phones arrived but we probably won’t be able to use them till the weekend. Tom is going to pick up the cards to activate them tomorrow on the way home from work. They’re at Walmart. He’s working on Saturday, so he’s going to be pretty busy. Yeah, vacation’s over for both of us, LOL.

I hope that the new phones are easier to use. We’re going to get new numbers. We’ve been in Sacramento 3 years now and a Sacramento area code would be nice instead of an Auburn one. Besides, we’re going to be here for several more years. It shouldn’t be too much of a pain in the ass to update the number for those who need it. It’s simple enough, thanks to Facebook and email to give friends and family the number, and I can update it on Mercy’s portal, and on important websites. Tom can stop by and give it to the park, too. I like the idea of Andy, Paula and Aly not knowing my number, not that I expect them to ever call me, especially Paula and Aly.

My throat is better today, but I still feel traces of irritation. I wonder if it would be worse if I sat talking for 45 minutes to Stacey and then even longer to Tom like I did yesterday. I just hope it goes away and that it’s not the start of a whole new problem.

Eight days late on my period finally showed up. I figured it would. Really hope they stop soon. I’ve got to have less than 4 years to go because I’ve been irregular for a year or two now.

Later…

Was too tired to write any more about Stacey yesterday. The one thing I didn’t write about was that I think she may actually like me. Maybe not necessarily in a physical way, but it was just something I sensed. Not sure how much I trust my gut feeling, though, on this one. I once thought a therapist that came to see me on Oswego Street in Springfield back in my twenties had a thing for me with the way she would promise to show me her biceps and shit like that, but then I found out I was wrong. I would like to think that 25+ years later I’m a little smarter than I was back then, though.

It wasn’t so much anything Stacey said but her body language instead. Again, I’m probably reading her all wrong. After all, wouldn’t she have remembered that I went on a cruise, had a heatstroke, and hadn’t seen my sister in 25 years? Unless she just realized that she likes me - and yes, sometimes these things do take time - I would think it’d only be natural to remember more of what they said. She doesn’t take notes, though, while we talk like other therapists I’ve had do.

Another thing that doesn’t support my so-called “gut” feeling is the fact that she said she hasn’t been to my blog. Well, wouldn’t she be curious if she liked me? I don’t think I could have that kind of self-control and restraint. I would be curious about what info and pictures I could dig up on the person, but I’m an info whore regardless of who it is. Still, the more you like someone, the more you’re curious, right?

I wouldn’t be surprised if she acted just the opposite the next time I see her. I’ve had various people in various places and situations give me what I think are these hints only to be the exact opposite the next time I see them. She may even appear kind of cold, but we’ll see. It’s hard to imagine such a calm easy-going person being cold, but she might seem more distant in a sense.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 13, 2016
I don’t believe it. I just don’t fucking believe it. I have had a sore throat for much of the day. WTF? Just WTF? I still think the pravastatin affected my throat because it’s too much of a coincidence that I got a sore throat right after both of the times I took it. Also, others have complained about the same thing, and the pharmacist knew what I was talking about when I mentioned it. But what the hell is going on now? I even had what I describe as the partial runs where it’s not solid, but not liquid, as gross as that sounds, though it was only once. I guess I’ll just have to wait and see how often it occurs.

I also had a headache come on late last night, but I’m happy to say I’ve been less lightheaded.

I got the ivory Egyptian sheets today. I’m such an idiot, though. I looked online and they said it was delivered, but I didn’t see anything outside either door. So I went next door to see if they claimed the package for me. As I approached their storm door (the inner door is always open during the daytime when it’s nice out), I could see Virginia on the couch watching TV while Bob was asleep in his recliner. She came to the door and I asked her about it, but she was clueless.

She asked how I’ve been and we talked for a little while. I told her I was worried something happened to them when they disappeared and she said that they had to go to Denver on a family emergency. She said next time they would tell us when they took off.

Then Tom came home and found the sheets placed behind the broom in front. Duh! Never thought to look there cuz they always leave stuff on the other side of the door and not behind anything.

I rejoined Tumblr last night. Even though I always found that site a bit difficult to use, I rejoined because it’s the easiest way to make a voice blog, which I thought would be neat to have for variety. It’s where I’ll pour my thoughts out, both personal and not. And while there will be no sensitive information, as usual. I’ve decided to keep this to myself. Only Tom knows about it. I live a pretty ordinary life, so I won’t be discussing much that others don’t already know, and I doubt I’ll update it as regularly as my text blog.

TUESDAY, JULY 12, 2016
Where Andy was obsessed with food and celebrities, I’m definitely obsessed with these designer nails. This time I’ve gone zebra. :)

As of early yesterday, all the side effects caused by the Pravastatin were gone. Sure wish I could’ve recovered that fast from the uptick of levothyroxine.

Other than a dozen or so bouts of project noise in the 3 years we’ve been here, Bob and Virginia really are fantastic neighbors. Best we’ve ever had. They have a quiet vehicle and they have no loud company. In fact, they rarely have any company at all.

Was worried for a minute there when I awoke to find a total of 4 vehicles at the new people’s place yesterday that an awful lot of people had suddenly moved in. But it was just out-of-towners visiting. Only one vehicle and two people live there.

Given the epic levels of violence by blacks on blacks and blacks on whites, I have never felt such disgust for blacks as a whole. I can’t stand to be on Facebook cuz I am just so sick of the whole BLM thing which is nothing but a legal hate group. Still wondering how much more violence and race-card playing it’s going to take before people finally trade politically correct for common sense and stop making excuses for these monstrous criminals. Seriously, did blacks ever stop and think that maybe they’re making some of their own haters just with their appalling and despicable behavior? Yeah, some people were just born to hate. But others hate because we give them reason to.

Got into it with Leslie online about the rats last night, because, like many people out there, she can’t handle people’s honesty very well if it’s not what she wants to hear. But as I told her, the rats are incredibly skittish and I could’ve gotten the same thing or better for so much less at a pet store. Why say you breed calm loving rats if you don’t? They’re just out to make a buck, and I wonder how many of their testimonials are even real. The rats aren’t vicious, but they’re not friendly. Burke is kind of loosening up a bit, but the other two still run like we’re going to kill them.

Leslie offered to buy back the rats, but Tom wants to keep them. He’s optimistic while I’m realistic. I don’t know why he doesn’t see this after all the rats we’ve had, but while guinea pigs can calm down in time, for example, rats are pretty much always who they’re going to be. They can improve somewhat, but basically a calm, sociable rat has always been that way, just like a timid one has always been timid. It would be like my mother adopting my father’s personality or vice versa when they were alive, and that just doesn’t happen.

This now makes only 2 good rats out of 10. I swear it’s like Tinkerbell knew she was queen and is jealous of any rat we get and is somehow keeping them from being good enough rats to really enjoy (assuming she really is still out there somewhere in the afterlife). Tinkerboy was a fairly decent rat, and Sugar was an outstanding rat, but look at what happened to Sugar in the end. If this is even remotely true, then maybe she would make sure that any kind of pet of any breed didn’t work out. Simone sure didn’t.

They added S11 of Criminal Minds on Netflix, so I’m watching that and looking forward to S4 of Bates Motel. Couldn’t get into Bones cuz it focused too much on the scientific aspect of the cases and not the cases themselves.

We had to cancel our eye appointments for this Saturday because now the stupid insurance company is saying we can’t go until August. Going to have to call and find out what’s going on, but I swear it’s like something up there doesn’t want us getting new glasses.

Last night I dreamed that I was staying someplace for a week in which I was either working or attending some kind of activities. As I rolled over in my bed that night trying to get comfortable, I realized that it was only Wednesday and I still had a couple more days to hold my schedule.

Then, while in the same place, I was getting lunch from the cafeteria. I asked some guy if we were swimming that day and he said we were. I was glad to have my suit on underneath my clothes.

There was a long buffet-style table set up and before I went to take a plate, I reached for a younger woman’s hand to check out her designer nails (black and white zebra?), and she pulled away as if she didn’t like me or something.

Haven’t looked in on Becky’s wall, though I looked in on Sarah’s wall. Becky’s wall is probably similar with all the “good daddy” crap, though she isn’t obsessed with selfies. Sure enough, almost every single post of Sarah’s is about her shit father, and the latest selfie was 23 hours ago.

I was right to unfollow them both. The Sarah selfies get old, as lovely as she may be, and the good daddy shit is beyond old. Definitely doesn’t bring back great memories. Good daddy? Yeah, probably. Good husband, stepdaddy and BIL? Hardly!

MONDAY, JULY 11, 2016
I am saying no to drugs… Literally. I have absolutely HAD IT with side effects and I’m done with the Pravastatin! After backing off to the point where I thought it was gone for good, the throat irritation returned with a vengeance and I had flu-like symptoms, which you can get on Pravastatin. Didn’t have much of a cough, but I had a little tightness in the chest. Not the OMG severe tightness I had when my thyroid meds backfired on me, but there was some degree of tightness, and it only made sense to assume that the side effects would have worsened had I kept taking the stuff. It really sucks too, to have gotten all excited about not having any stomach or anxiety issues on the stuff, just to end up “sick.”

When I asked the pharmacist about it, she knew exactly what I was talking about and said she doubted the sore throat would go away. She recommended I treat the sore throat and give it a little more time since Pravastatin is said to be highly effective with lowering cholesterol, but dangerous or not, I can’t live that way. A dry mouth and a few aches and pains… ok. But a sore throat and feeling like you’ve got a cold or the flu? No way. It wasn’t scary like levothyroxine can be, but damn was it annoying as hell!

Finally fed up after two years of dealing with side effects on and off, I’d had enough. I’ve simply and totally had my fill of driving myself crazy to keep trying this and keep trying that. I need a break! No more new drugs, no more raising doses on old drugs. Besides, no plaque was found in my arteries and I’m not in imminent danger, so why suffer to prevent a heart attack or a stroke I may never get? Unless it’s a case of do or die, I’m not taking shit. My thyroid is different. That’s not a case of maybe it will die on me. It has died, so levothyroxine is important and needed. I’ll just be damned if I’ll suffer needlessly anymore for the sake of “perfect” numbers or to prevent what may never happen.

Decided not to tell Doc A of my decision till I see her. She’s not my mother. I don’t have to “report” to her.

I gotta die someday anyway. I may not be old yet, but I’m not young either. If a meteorite fell to the earth and killed me, or I died in a car accident, or by a homicidal maniac, or from a disease… then it was obviously meant to be. I have no kids to leave behind, and just like I managed to live alone for many years before meeting Tom, so did he. He’s a big boy. He’d miss me, of course, but he can be self-sufficient, even if that meant he’d have to keep up the house, pets, laundry and other things on top of his job. :)

Why was he wheeling a cart full of groceries alongside the freeway, though, in my dreams last night? LOL, I was watching him from behind a fence or something. There was a cluster of people nearby. He stopped the cart, turned around and walked several feet to talk to some guy. I was worried someone would steal the groceries while he wasn’t paying attention, so I hurried over. I got the impression he was paying the guy to help us somehow, and for some reason, I didn’t feel the guy deserved the money.

SUNDAY, JULY 10, 2016
We’ve now been in this house for 3 years. Yesterday was noisy, but today is peaceful. We went out walking by the lake after I talked to Tammy.

Last night I had a dream that Tammy acquired a lot of money and was looking to move, not that I can imagine she would in real life if she did obtain a lot of money. Her place is plenty beautiful and spacious enough and she lives in a gorgeous area. I’d love to live there if Hawaii’s out of the question. I’d be a little worried about the humidity, but it definitely wouldn’t be economically smart to stay here for the rest of our lives. Cali’s too expensive.

Anyway, I wondered if the dream meant that Tammy might be suing her surgeons since the surgery she had to help alleviate her pain was a bust, but she was told up front that it might not work. Maybe Mark will find work then, but who knows?

She described another procedure they’re going to try since her leg and back pain is really bad. On top of the fibromyalgia, she’s got bad arthritis, but not typical aging arthritis. It’s some kind of autoimmune-related thing. She said something about them trying a “big drug” that’s been used for cancer and things like that. She’s had a lot of shakiness in her hands too, she also said. It sucks that she’s still suffering. Hopefully, the next step will help.

I have now taken 4 Pravastatin doses and the throat irritation that had backed off has picked up again. I asked her about it, but she said she’s never heard of those on this type of statin having sore throats.

According to some research we did, it can last a few days, a few weeks or even longer. One person said they took it for two years and had a sore throat the whole time. It’s not a scary or dangerous side effect, but it’s annoying at times. Gonna give it a little more time, though, since I’ve only been on it a week. I just hope it doesn’t get worse! I’m just glad I haven’t had any anxiety or issues with my stomach or muscles. Still, I’ve had enough of the medication issues. Since no plaque was found in my arteries and I’m in no imminent danger, I will stop the statins if my throat doesn’t improve soon enough.

What’s weird is that in a study they did, the same amount of people given fakes complained of throat irritation as did those given the real thing. So they couldn’t really prove a connection, but since nothing has changed but the fact that I went on statins, I think it is related and not anxiety like Doc A thinks. Hell, if I broke a leg she’d tell me it was anxiety, LOL. I agree that the facial tingling could be anxiety as she said, but I haven’t had much of that. Also, I got a sore throat the first time I took these statins last month. Hard to believe that’s just a coincidence. I’ve never had a sore throat when being anxious before, though I have had that lump in the throat kind of feeling. I’ve never even heard of anxiety causing throat irritation.

I just might’ve been on the verge of panicking this morning had I been alone. I don’t know what the hell happened, but as I was waking up it was almost like I heard this strange roaring sound in the left side of my head and neck, but I was fine as soon as I stood up. Probably just that ear draining.

The rats are still shy, but not crazy shy. I can handle them easily enough whenever I want to. They’re using their “poop pan,” too. I didn’t think they would, but yes, they do most of their turding in the triangular plastic poop pan that’s in a corner of their cage. They piss everywhere, though, so as to mark their territory.

I’m 4 days late for my period as my body struggles to produce enough estrogen to turn on a period. It’s like my body just doesn’t quite get how to make periods anymore, but I don’t think I’m done with them yet. I think within a week I’ll get one. I got all watery and bloated, but now it’s backed off a bit. It’s like it can’t make up its mind.

Got up at 6am and it was down to 71° in here, that’s how mild this summer has been for the most part. Of course I still hot flashed the night away, LOL.

Besides money coming Tammy’s way, I also had a dream my old endo became a dentist and then a counselor.

SATURDAY, JULY 9, 2016
So Aly was in the hospital the other day wanting a “hug and a friend.” Well, if Kim isn’t cutting it for her then maybe it’s time to rethink who she dumps/keeps as friends. She never tweeted at all yesterday so maybe something else happened, which wouldn’t surprise me.

Even though I haven’t heard the woodpecker, we’re going to sweep off the patio roof today. The vacation has made me lazier as far as exercising goes, but more active in other ways. I’m doing things I don’t normally do. Like going through 40 years’ worth of papers to file in our new file box.

Tom is also replacing the brake light that went out. On our way in from one of our many outings, we had just entered the park and were about to turn onto the street before ours when a car raced up alongside Tom. He hit the horn, thinking they were trying to pass him cuz they thought he was going too slow over the speed bump, but instead, the woman was trying to tell him about the brake light.

Now some pig’s in trouble for threatening a black girl from his Facebook page, no doubt spawned from the Dallas massacre. Oh right, so they give him a slap on the wrist or something. Big deal. I understand the police’s frustration with the black community as they become increasingly violent, but are the cops really much better with the way they seem to think they’re above the law… making threats, kicking ass and lying to people? Believe me, even though it’s been 16 years, if that black pig came to this door right now…

Later…

Decided that I would keep my FO book on Prosebox, but create a MO book since it’s been a while since Kim and Aly have used the site. Oh, they’ll be back. They just won’t be able to find my old account, of course, when they go looking for it to block it.

In the MO book, I won’t mention names. Tom will just be “my husband.” Tammy will just be “my sister.” If they read around enough they would probably figure out who I am just by the things I say and the way I write, but I’m tired of letting them deprive me of the fun of “meeting” new people, risky or not. I may not be sociable in real life because it’s harder to meet people offline when you work at home, but I’m usually pretty sociable online. Oh yes, I’m coming back, Prosebox! Wonder how many others will realize who I am that I blocked on my old account, LOL. I just miss the fun of mingling with different people from different states/countries and seeing what they have to say about the things I write about, etc. I’m still going to write for myself first, then be selective about what I share in public second. Too many emotional wimps out there that I don’t want to deal with. It’s not just a matter of people’s sensitivity, but also a matter of some things simply not being anyone’s business but mine. The only thing I didn’t like about Prosebox is that the more followers you gain, the more you’re kind of obligated to follow and comment on them in return and that can get kind of old and time-consuming.

No, I don’t want another Molly stalking me for nearly a decade, and no, I don’t want another Kim going ballistic on me if I decide I’ve had enough of her lies, and no, I don’t want another Aly who I think really cares about me and then dumps me after 8 years of what I thought was mostly a good friendship despite the lies and other shit. But life is about taking chances and I’m not about to hide forever just because of a handful of shitheads.

I’ll still keep my FO book in case I decide to return to FO mode.

Later…

So Aly tweeted something about how she and Bri (a long-time cyber pal) talked things over and Aly’s hoping that this time she really understands just how rude she sometimes is. Fingers crossed!

Did she ever think that maybe the problem is her? And let me guess… Bri doesn’t know about this account, right?

I’ve never talked to Bri but recognize her name both on Twitter and Facebook. I also couldn’t resist myself. I just had to warn her. Even though I have absolutely no right to do so and know it’s not my place to stick my nose in it, I couldn’t help but feel bad for her. Just like Aly did with me, she’s basically saying things behind her back that should be said directly to her, and she’s doing it in public for the entire world to see except probably Bri herself. Bri’s no doubt going to get dumped next.

I have no idea what kind of person Bri is. She could be a rude asshole that deserves a good talking to and maybe even a dumping. But the more honest she is (in a way Aly doesn’t agree with) and the more her personality differs from Aly’s, the more likely she could be dumped. Aly likes crazy. Crazy, dishonest, forgetful, selfish, stupid, unreliable… that sort of thing. Anyone else she’ll always have a problem with.

Again, I don’t know Bri, but I have a feeling she too, is about to go from thinking she’s had this really great friend for many years that she’ll probably always have, to being shocked, hurt and angry to find she’s been tossed out like yesterday’s trash.

The more I see Aly’s true colors shine… her thirst for drama, her dishonesty, the way she lies and blames others for her problems… the less I miss her. I used to see through the bad and right to the good in her, but not anymore. I know without a doubt I’ll never hear from her again, but if I did there’s no way I’d be dumb enough to forgive her and resume our so-called friendship. I would simply ignore her. Sure hope I would, anyway.

All morning long I had to listen to chainsaws (outside the park), woodchippers, lawnmowers and blowers. It fucking sucks.

Survived my fourth statin and still not too worried about his return to work. Maybe knowing I’m seeing Stacey again on Wednesday helps, too? Either way, I feel much more confident. I even had a few wonderfully familiar moments of wishing I had more space to concentrate on things around here.

I noticed a second SUV in the Twenties’ driveway this morning and thought, great. They got a second vehicle or someone moved in. But then Tom said they had a housewarming party last night and someone probably stayed over when it got late. Said there were 3-4 cars there, but they were quiet. Yeah, right. I’m sure the door slamming was a nightmare, but he wouldn’t have noticed or cared, LOL. Glad I wasn’t awake for it.

Later…

Last night I dreamed that we were swimming at the beach in Maui. Tom dove down under a wave as I stood on the shore and felt myself begin to worry when he took too long to resurface. When he finally did I told him I was about to panic and he laughed like it was no big deal and said, “What? I could stay under longer if I wanted to.”

Then the night before I dreamed something about borrowing a mop for a pretty big bathroom that had 4-5 stalls. Some guy told me I would be taken into custody if I didn’t return the mop when I was done with it.

Tom took a peek at the patio roof and said he didn’t see anything for the woodpeckers to be interested in, but a few twigs. He said the roof looked in even better condition than it does from the street too, so they haven’t done any damage that we know of. This may explain why I haven’t heard from them lately. They’re supposed to be active in the spring anyway.

I guess now I can get to the bad news. These are our absolute LAST and final rats ever. Some other breed of animal will one day live in this cage that I never would’ve spent over $200 on had I known I’d get the same timid crap I’ve been getting from pet stores. Maybe some kind of exotic bird or chinchillas will live in this humungous cage after the rats are gone in 2-3 years from now. Seriously, I’d rather a loud lovable pet than a quiet shy pet.

These rats are horrible. Insanely adorable, but horrible. They don’t bite but they act like I’m going to kill them every time I go near them. They’ve gotten a little better, but they’ll never be anything like some of our best rats have been. Bleu Royale Rattery is obviously not about what they say they’re about. No wonder they wanted to meet us in public. Plus, it was the mother that met us, not Leslie. Leslie’s her daughter, who she says is autistic. That’s not the issue. The issue is that they lied on their site and on Facebook about their rats being handled since birth and oh so calm. Trust me, these rats weren’t handled regularly, and if they were it was by the wrong person. I’ve had rats since 1998. I can tell these things.

I thought about saying something to them, but what good would it do now? What’s done is done and it won’t change anything. They would never buy back the rats, and even if they did, we’d still be stuck with this mansion of a cage. Might as well let them live their lives in it. But if you want rats, save yourself a fortune and just go to a regular pet store. Maybe not all ratteries are the same, but you won’t get anything special from this one. They’re just people breeding and selling rats just like the pet stores do and that’s it.

They’ll let me handle them (sometimes without a fight) but they clearly would rather interact with each other as opposed to people. I miss having people-loving rats! But it’s like it’s not meant to be in this state. Other than Tinkerboy and Sugar, that is, and look what happened to Sugar. After his stroke, he was severely disabled for half of his life.

FRIDAY, JULY 8, 2016
Doc A says she thinks the throat irritation and tingling are due to anxiety and recommends I keep taking the statins. Well, since my symptoms have improved I will, though I doubt the throat part was anxiety alone.

About a dozen cops were shot and half a dozen killed last night as a protest. Damn blacks. Just damn them. I’m by far no fan of the police. Many of them are corrupt bastards high on power-play. However, this has given me a newfound disgust for blacks. The more violent they are, the less people are going to accept them yet they just don’t seem to get this. Seriously, how can they do shit like this and then complain that no one likes them?

Over the years I have watched so many blacks ruin so many lives without much, if any, provocation, including that of my husband and myself. I refuse to be “politically correct” and side with them or any other troublemaking group in society.

The Twenties are just as racist as I am, LOL. They threw a Trump sign outside their place. If Hillary wasn’t a female and I wasn’t more sexist than racist I would hope Trump got elected. Really think Trump is a closeted gay as are many who hate women that much. Just like bullies are often feeling just as worthless as those they bully, well, many times one can hate someone (or a group) because they see themselves in that person/people, and it’s a part of themselves they’re not able/ready to accept. So they go and they marry women for show and cuz it’s the “right thing to do” as they’re usually able to at least stand to have sex with them. Of course fatties like my mother and her mother picked on my weight. They were even fatter and they were seeing a budding image of themselves in my few extra pounds.

Anyway, I found the Twenties’ Facebook profiles. She’s from Cali, he’s from Iowa. She worked at a place called CoreLogic. He was a census worker. Sure enough, they showed support when the Muzzies attacked France, but nothing for the gays in Orlando. So they’re probably even bigger haters than I am, but as long as they’re quiet they can hate away!

Later…

I had been hesitant to share much of the anxiety I’ve dealt with on and off for the last two years in public so as not to confuse or bring down those who don’t get it. I get that many don’t get some things they haven’t experienced firsthand and therefore can’t relate to. Instead, they will remind me to “smile” and “think positive.” Not that they’re wrong for saying so as it’s always good to smile and think positively. But sometimes things are a little more complicated than that and they take a little more work and time than just positive thoughts and phrases. Even I wouldn’t be able to comprehend how a grown adult could have bouts of being afraid to be alone in a gated, upscale community if I hadn’t been one of those adults. Well, take it from me… sometimes our logic doesn’t go with our emotions and this can be due to medical reasons and or medications. I know. It happened to me and now I’m willing to share more of my story in public, and this is a copy of that.

Thanks to meeting with Stacey yesterday, I don’t feel so anxious about the idea of Tom returning to work next Monday after restarting the statins which restarted my anxiety. I even told her I almost wished I could see her every month for life since I always feel better afterward, LOL. To say she’s been the most helpful counselor of any that I’ve ever seen is quite an understatement!

“I’m only going to see her once just to make my doctor happy,” I had said last year until I was reminded that some things really do take time to get over and heal from. The horrifying event may be over, but it’s not “over” for those who experience the horror. At least not right away. And while we may never forget a certain event, we really can overcome things, just not usually as fast as we’d like. I will probably always have a fear of medication in general, but it was nice when I could finally take the painkillers once again that I’ve always taken for cramps and whatnot without fearing something bad would come of it.

I met with her alone, which not surprisingly, she said she’d prefer. Tom would have been a distraction. And so the EMDR sessions have begun and Stacey has helped get me to see that I wasn’t so weak and helpless after all (the day I was traumatized two years ago). I did manage to dial 911, and I did get the back door open as well. Our ultimate goal is to make it less likely for me to panic in the future if something scary happens.

She waved two fingers in front of my face as I saw done on some YouTube vids, only she moved them faster than I expected. Keeping my head still, she had me follow her fingers with my eyes. I found it much harder than I thought it would be to move my eyes so fast from side to side, so she switched to up and down. During those times I was supposed to think of a negative trait I believed I had at the time, then later a positive one. In between these hand movements, which would only last about 10 seconds, I was to walk myself through the event…

My heart suddenly booming in my chest.

Running out of the bedroom.

Running down the hall.

Fumbling with the new phone I wasn’t yet familiar with and hoping I could call 911.

Finally getting through to 911 despite how shaky my hands were.

Next… getting the back door open in case I didn’t survive until the paramedics arrived.

Stepping out of the house and into the carport, phone in hand, trying to remember the space number for the dispatcher.

Seeing a curious worker across the street glance at me through the Cypress trees at the sound of my frantic voice.

Hearing the sound of the paramedics approaching.

Moving toward the end of the driveway.

Relief running through me as a young redheaded guy exited the passenger side of the fire truck.

A gurney wheeled from the back of the ambulance that was parked behind the fire truck.

The paramedics hooking me to a cardiogram.

Them assuring me that I didn’t accidentally take a lethal dose of levothyroxine and that I didn’t have a heart attack…

Then we talked about how my fear ultimately ended up turning into confusion and then to anger.

When I went back into the house after the paramedics left I didn’t understand why I still felt like such shit if I didn’t have a heart attack or OD. I thought I just needed a good night’s sleep, yet I still felt like crap the next day. My heart raced and pounded on and off. I would experience flashes of dread and a sense of things just not being right at all. I felt weak and as if my legs were made of concrete. The only thing I was sure of at the time was that it was somehow connected to my thyroid meds. Sometimes the anxiety was more physical (racing heart, shaking, tingling, throat lump, upset stomach) and other times it was more emotional (feeling fearful, suddenly bursting into tears, wanting to scream).

The team of doctors I had at the time was anything but helpful, insisting I was “just anxious” and I should keep on taking the medication, but instead I stopped both my thyroid and statin medication and began the hunt for a new team of doctors with a new medical group. Sadly, it would take about 6 months to learn what really happened that fateful day in July of 2014, which is where my confusion would turn to anger.

I was very angry that my first set of doctors didn’t take the time to warn me about what could happen on levothyroxine in conjunction with other things that may be going on… tachycardia, perimenopause… that can create the perfect storm.

I eventually got a good team of doctors who explained to me about pockets of activity flaring up within the thyroid before they burn out for good. For about 3 months I continued to have scattered bursts of anxiety and instances where my heart would start racing because that’s how long it usually takes for your body to adjust after your dose is lowered or you stop the medication altogether. I still have some anxiety; just not nearly as much.

Today I’m on a dose suitable for my body, though first we had to “overflow my tank,” as my specialist put it, in order to find what dose I feel best at. 88 mcgs is just a touch high and 75 is just a touch low, but still enough to keep me out of danger.

Another reason I was angry at the doctors was that they failed to tell me I was going through perimenopause. I thought you had to be in your mid to late 50s for that, and so I didn’t recognize my symptoms as being related to that right away. Anxiety, hot flashes and sleep disturbances have been my most noticeable symptoms of perimenopause and yes, perimenopause is WAY worse than getting regular periods, LOL. With periods, you get them and then you’re done for a few weeks. With perimenopause, some days are easier than others, but it’s an everyday thing.

Every. Single. Day.

As Stacey said, though, it’s counterproductive to hang onto that anger because it can have a similar physiological effect as anxiety. It’s not always easy to do, though I’m working on it.

Will see Stacey again next week. Meanwhile, she shocked the shit out of me when she told me she too, has hypothyroidism. I was shocked due to how thin she is, though it’s really only her arms and legs that are thin. She has tummy rolls same as I do. She works out and watches what she eats and is naturally thin and non-muscular while I’m naturally fat and muscular. She’d probably be as big or bigger than me if she weren’t.

What was strange was how I recently had a dream that some woman told me she was on levothyroxine and I was shocked because she was so thin. Only the woman didn’t look anything like Stacey.

THURSDAY, JULY 7, 2016
Our new babies are here!!! We met Leslie’s mother in Taco Bell’s parking lot. Because one of the dark rats turned out to be a hermaphrodite, LOL, they substituted him-her with a Dumbo rat. This worked out better because I think having two dark rats would make them hard to tell apart. Dumbo rats’ ears don’t rise above their eyes and his fur is a bit wavy and wooly compared to the smooth shiny fur of his roomies. This is our first Dumbo rat and while I still don’t think they’re as cute as top-eared rats, they’re not as ugly as I thought they would be. Dumbo is a cutie. Yeah, I’m just calling him Dumbo.

I’m calling the other dark one Burke because he’s a Berkshire rat, and Simon is our Siamese rat. He looks exactly like Sugar ratty looked, only Sugar has dark eyes, which makes him a Himalayan rat.

They’re a little shyer than I expected them to be, but I will work with them after seeing Stacey this morning.

The new cage is HUGE! It took us about an hour and a half to put it together. It’s very heavy but sturdy and is more of a dark charcoal gray than a true black. I could almost stand up in the thing that’s how big it is. The giant rat sticker looks cool behind it. We plan to add more accessories to it soon. We’ve got splatter guards on the way because the bedding pans are a little shallow. I’m surprised they didn’t make a big mess because certainly, they had to have been up all night while we slept. They’re nocturnal and they certainly would have been curious and wound up. After all, yesterday was their first car ride and they’re used to being in a small glass aquarium.

They kind of huddled together in the white-wired, magenta-based little birdcage we transported them home in, but you could see the excitement in their movements as soon as we assembled the cage and were able to load them into it. Rats will always tell you if they like something by their bouncy movements. When I got up real early this morning, Simon was on the wheel. They’re all asleep now.

They also have a hanging hammock and some wood chews on the way.

Tom printed some brackets with the 3-D printer to make it easier to attach the baseboards to the legs of the couch to keep them from nesting underneath it when they’re out and about. Oh, the havoc Little Buddy wreaked on our Arizona couch! LOL

We got a really nice white two-drawer file cabinet with a shallow drawer on top that we plan to keep in the utility room. It can be locked but we see no point in locking in it. One problem is that the folding bikes are in the way of where we want to it. The plan is to raise one of the bikes and hook it on the wall just above the other bike, which can stay at the side of the file box. Another problem is that the pedals stick way out, so we ordered folding pedals.

Yesterday, while awaiting the arrival of the new cage and then to pick up the rats, I began sorting through papers and the file box. I used to have one giant medical file, for example, but I think at our ages it’s time for multiple medical file folders, even though we’re still pretty healthy. Like a folder for Massachusetts & Arizona and one for California. Maybe someday there will be a Florida one. We mostly have the Boston records on my ear surgery, our eye exams, and my thyroid tests.

Yesterday I sent a message to Doc A letting her know that although most of it is gone, I had throat irritation and some lip-tingling, though no stomach or anxiety issues. She did ask to be kept updated anyway. I just want to make sure this isn’t dangerous, though I doubt it is.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 6, 2016
So these two teens were beaten outside a Brooklyn Mosque and even though I’m supposed to have a bleeding heart for them, especially if they didn’t provoke the attack, I just can’t. I know it’s the same attitude they had with the Jews way back when, deciding that all Jews should pay for what some may’ve supposedly done, but I just can’t feel any sympathy for them. Instead, all I can think is that it’s about time WE gave THEM a taste of their own vicious medicine. I mean come on! Jews didn’t do shit compared to what so many Muslims have done in this world any more than gays have. I still say Muslims, blacks and some Hispanics deserve what they get. It’s hard for me to have any empathy for groups that have been known to be so horribly violent and totally detrimental to society.

Still enjoying our vacation even though it’s going much too fast. We’re shopping, eating, relaxing and getting things done around the house. The usual annoyances can be heard along the way… Landscaping, hammering, loud traffic…

Speaking of loud, shopping at Target yesterday was almost a miserable experience due to all the screaming brats in practically every aisle. I can’t believe how out of control kids have become. Ever since the 90’s I’ve noticed this and it just gets worse and worse. I wonder if it’s mostly a Western thing because we ate with family in Florida during primetime and not once did I hear any kids. Even the stores were pretty peaceful. Never once do I remember screaming kids in stores and restaurants when I lived in New England either. You could never in a million years go to stores or restaurants here during their busiest hours and not have to deal with unruly kids. That’s why we make it a point to shop and eat when it’s not so busy. Seriously, it was just horrible… ear-piercing screams, five-year-olds left to run up and down the place without supervision, and a little kid pushing against me to get at the candy section (although its mother did apologize for that one). What is the world going to be like 20 years from now with these kids running it who aren’t taught a shred of respect and consideration for others?

We wanted to be out from 10 AM to 1 PM because as the newsletter warned, the water would be turned off during those hours for line repairs. As sick as I am of these water outages, at least they were punctual about turning it back on.

At Target I finally found the ideal handbag. It’s medium-sized and a bold shade of pink.

We also got a new file box, which is way overdue, and some folders to go with it. We have this small plastic one that is a pain in the ass to use because it’s not only too small but threatens to topple over every time we pull the drawer out.

We first went treasure hunting at Goodwill. It was pretty chilly in there. Where are the hot flashes when you need them? At least my period is late again. :-)

I grabbed a cute little pink plastic couch for dolls, a pink beaded necklace, a pair of really large barrettes that’s hard to find, and a cat toy for the rats since rats like to chase things too. It’s a pink and purple fuzzy thing dangling from a purple stick.

We stopped at Walmart to see if we could get eye exams but they were booked up until Monday.

We ate lunch at Carl’s and they charged us for bottled water, which we feel they shouldn’t have because we ordered combos that are supposed to include drinks. We would have preferred soda, but the soda machines were broken. Never had any problems with them in the past, but congratulations Carl, you just lost a couple of customers.

Said hello to Joe the mailman when I noticed he was pulling in right as we did. We have been getting a lot of things in the mail and are expecting more. I have received all the designer nails I ordered on Amazon, and right now I’m wearing a set I got from Raley’s.

Today’s to be a very exciting day. This evening we will be meeting Leslie to pick up the three male rats we have adopted! The timing is perfect because the new cage is to be arriving today. Their new water bottle has already arrived and so has the cage’s entry/exit ramp. The ramp is covered in a nice soft cloth that’s blue on one side and purple on the other.

The only thing that sucks is that they can’t meet us till the evening. Well, I’ve been up since 1am, so I may not be able to go with Tom.

The rats were born on May 13th. Haha, Maliheh’s birthday, huh?

Besides new Androids, we ordered a hammock made of the same material/colors this morning. I might eventually get splatter guards since the bedding pans are shallow. I love how this brand has accessories and parts you can order.

The ramp feels very solid and I can see what people mean when they describe the cage as being very heavy. It should be a very nice house for many rats to enjoy for many years to come.

As for our own house, it’s a little bigger than I realized it was. For some reason, I thought it was 1340 square feet, but it’s actually 1488.

Later…

LMAO at Aly’s usual rants… she’s alone, depressed and miserable and feeling oh so ignored. But wait! I thought she was supposed to be happier without me. LOL, wondering when she’ll regret not only dumping someone who actually cared but that she also didn’t have to repeat herself over and over again like she does with her very unreliable and forgetful “friend.” You can only be critical and judgmental of her when it’s in ways she likes and agrees with, though. But hey, Kim’s the type of person she prefers in her life, and she still has a right to pick and choose her own friends.

I just wish there wasn’t still a part of me wishing she’d contact me with hopes of working things out and resuming our friendship, even if I’d find it hard to trust her. No wonder Andy’s so distrustful of people that he’s denied himself a boyfriend most of his life, though I think part of that is also due to him preferring his solitude and not having a personality that’s overly appealing. Looks great for his age, though.

Nonetheless, I could kick myself for missing her despite some of the things she’s either said to me directly or that she didn’t think I’d see, be it the truth or not. I try to remind myself that if she were back in my life, all she’d do is bullshit me, whine that I’m not giving her enough attention, and complain about my honesty. I can change some of my ways to make various people happier (hey, life is about compromising after all), but I still need to be me and that means I’m nobody’s liar. I’m not going to tell someone what they want to hear if it’s a lie, but I can at least keep my opinions to myself more often.

I refuse, though. I refuse to be the one to reach out to either create or resume friendships with people. It’s almost always me who’s been the one to do this and I won’t do it anymore. Will Aly, Nane or Maliheh ever contact me on their own? Almost certainly not. So, therefore, will I be the one to take the honors? No fucking way. For now, I guess I’ll just try not to give a shit about those that don’t give a shit about me.

TUESDAY, JULY 5, 2016
Took my second statin dose before bed, and amazingly, I’m up now with a stable throat and stomach, and no anxiety. Could be too soon for the anxiety to kick in, but I’m pretty sure I woke up with it after my 2nd dose last month. If Tom was suddenly going to work, well, that could very well change things. So far so good, though, I’m not ready to twirl and squeal with delight and consider myself out of the woods. Gotta get to the 6th without butterflies or heart attacks.

I hot flashed in my sleep and sure enough, the racing heart was on, though Fitbit doesn’t show an HR over 100. I think there’s something about the microfiber sheets that causes me to overheat (besides perimenopause). I should be going Egyptian anytime after the 6th, though. The other Egyptian sheets are on the other bed, so that’s why I’m temporarily stuck on the micros.

Can’t believe we’re getting down into the high 50s at night in July. What’s wrong with this place? It was chilly just waiting outside for Home Depot to open yesterday so we could grab 4 long pieces of baseboards to keep the rats from going under the couch.

Also, why do stores and restaurants feel the need to blast music and make it hard to hold a conversation? I say if you’re going to force your customers to listen to music, turn it down!

We went to Mel’s super early in the morning to escape the crowds, but you’d be surprised how many people are still out and about at 4am. We like Mel’s better than Denny’s but it was absolutely freezing in there. My food and coffee barely warmed me up.

He got a ham and cheese omelet and I got a gourmet meal chock full of cholesterol. Prime rib, eggs and fries. The fries weren’t as good as Denny’s wavy steak fries, but the rest of it was absolutely delicious. Even the buttered English muffin was great.

Listening to what I hope is the last of the firecrackers. A week to celebrate July 4th is enough, though people may use up their leftover goodies to shoot off tomorrow night.

Saw the parade of decked-out golf carts go by today, including a couple of bikers and one in a motorized wheelchair. They don’t go by the house, though. You can see them from the back bedroom window turning the corner of the street a few houses down.

Started watching the series, Bones. I know it has a lot of seasons and is very popular. I don’t like it as much as Slasher and Bates Motel, but it’s still good. Even Law & Order and Criminal Minds were better.

MONDAY, JULY 4, 2016
Checked out Aly’s tweets when I arose to the sound of firecrackers. OK, NOW it’s getting old and I’m glad tomorrow should be the last of it. Four hours of firecrackers every night is getting a bit extreme.

Anyway, it’s depressed, as usual. Ah, but a delusional liar with no empathy can cheer it up better than I ever could, right?

My hair is getting thicker than thick and growing faster than fast. Definitely can’t say I don’t have enough thyroid hormone in me.

Tom and I have been like kids whose parents took off… running around the park in the middle of the night, sleeping odd hours, eating junk, shopping, and just having fun in general.

I wish I could say the same for Tammy, but the surgeries were a bust and now she’s stuck with a cane. I’m expecting to learn more later. She is definitely the strong one in this family cuz I’d have killed myself 5 surgeries ago.

Heard back from Leslie who shared a few pages of rat pics and asked that I pick out the ones I want and to be prepared to pay a reservation fee of $5. She didn’t say what the adoption fee is, but we’re prepared to pay both right away.

She had mostly Dumbos, which I don’t personally care for. There were 3 I liked, but 2 were reserved. Love the way she names each litter by a theme. There’s the fish theme, the Harry Potter theme, and the nut theme. The one I like that’s available is from the tree nut litter… Coconut.

Just heard from her again. She said she’s got 3 top-eared males available and would give them to me for $20 each with no reservation fee. Exciting! I told her I’m definitely interested. Two are black with white bellies (Berkshires?) and the other is a red-eyed Siamese.

New cage doesn’t arrive till Wednesday, though we could set something up until then if we had to. I asked her when they’d be available for adoption. She also had a couple of older rescue rats for $15, but couldn’t guarantee temperament like she could with her litters, so I think I’ll pass on those.

As for the statins, I’ve got about 12 hours before I decide if the second dose is worth it. No stomach or anxiety issues yet, though I might be borderline. Throat and fatigue are better but not perfect. The second dose, if I take it, is what’s going to either make or break the retrial. No earaches these last few days, but I do still get dizzy at times. Just not OMG kind of dizzy. The tapping still helps.

My heart’s been racing me awake again lately, but I no longer find it scary now that I’m used to it and know and understand that perimenopause doesn’t last forever. This time it was mostly caused by being chased by a madwoman in my dreams. Fitbit said my HR hit 118.

Although it was still a retirement community, I lived in a rural setting in the dream and walked down the end of our curvy driveway. There was a house, set slightly higher than ours on a small hill about 100 feet away. Supposedly I had said or done something that caused some guy in the community to lose virtually everything he owned. A woman living in the house on the hill wasn’t too happy about it either. Although I couldn’t see her from where I stood, she loudly expressed her unhappiness with me, but I pretended not to hear her.

Then she told someone else that she’d be “back to being an older adult in a minute,” and headed my way. I hurried into the house, trying to keep as casual of a pace as possible and not let on that I was now scared. I assumed she was coming to attack me. The instant I entered the house and shut and locked the door behind me, I demanded Alexa play some music which I blasted. That way, when the inevitable knock on the door came, the woman would think I couldn’t hear her.

SUNDAY, JULY 3, 2016
Starting off with some discouraging news. I took my first statin dose at 10am, went to bed, and awoke with the same sore throat as the last time just before 8pm. Looking back in my journal at the first time I took these statins, I also complained of the same extreme fatigue that I’m feeling right now, but that may or may not be connected to my cycle. The first round was on the exact same day of the month one month ago, only it was a Thursday instead of a Saturday.

Food and drink aggravate my throat, and if things continue not to go well, it’s going after my stomach next, then the anxiety will set in. At that time I’ll be letting Doc A know that whether or not she wants to believe me, I’ve had ENOUGH! It’s hard enough just dealing with perimenopause and earaches, though it should only take a week or less to recover instead of 3 months like when I had trouble with the higher dose of levothyroxine.

Seriously, I don’t care anymore what she believes. I’m not in imminent danger and she can’t force me to take medication I can’t tolerate if this doesn’t work out. She can, however, drop me as a patient if she sees me as “uncooperative,” but Tom says she won’t because that’d put her at risk of a malpractice suit. Like anything that might be up there would give me the honors of suing anyone and living happily ever after in Hawaii or at least even more comfortably for some time to come? No, instead I’d have to scramble to find another doctor, and we could only file suit if no other doctor would take me. How likely is that? Not likely.

Although I don’t feel anxious at this time, my HR is running a little high. I’m just so fucking fed up with the medication drama. If history continues to repeat itself, that’s it, I’m done. Done with everything but my thyroid meds and the lorazepam as needed. I know my body. I know what’s normal for me. I have NEVER had such extreme anxiety without it being caused by some drug. Yet even though it’s unlikely, I’m still hoping that all I’ll get is the sore throat that will be gone by tomorrow. I have until Monday afternoon to decide whether or not it’s worth chancing a second dose.

Late last night I heard back from Leslie at the rattery. She’d been busy helping her sister move. No problem, I told her. Things do come up. She asked for more info, but I haven’t heard from her since. Hopefully, that’s only due to the holidays and that she’s serious because we just spent a fortune on a huge and totally awesome cage. All our rat cages are 16-18 years old, so they deserve this overdue treat. It’s 63” tall and has a very different design than any other cage we’ve had thus far, which should make cleaning it easier. Bedding pans are a little shallow, but otherwise looks fantastic. It better be for $215. We got some accessories for it, too.

If we don’t hear from her after the holiday, there are other ratteries to try.

We also grabbed another set of those luxurious Egyptian sheets, this time in ivory.

According to the monthly Crier, Jon and Carolyn (Twenties), are the ones to move into Jackie’s place. Tom saw Jon and they waved at each other when he was on his way in from a quick run to Walmart yesterday morning. He said he doesn’t seem like the kind to be into doing projects at all. Well, I may not have to listen to him do projects, but instead listen to others do them for them. A plumbing truck that was running something loud and annoying was over there yesterday morning. What was weird was that Tom saw water tanks being installed. Didn’t Jackie do that right before she left?

Aly made additional tweets that now have me not so sure it was Molly she was having a problem with. She said something about sending her a follow request she never approved. Molly wouldn’t deny Aly a damn thing with the way she’s always worshipped her.

Last night I dreamed I was talking to Gloria Estefan, only it was the Gloria from the 90s. We sat at a small table in a diner or restaurant somewhere and I told her I still had a certain album of hers (all my music in real life is in MP3 form). She asked if I would be willing to have my picture taken with me holding it, and I agreed.

Then I was lying on a twin bed. Tom was in another twin bed just a few feet away. A nightstand was between the beds. My bed was up against a window. I peered through the blinds at a couple of houses that were so close that it was almost hard to tell if the little girl running into one of them ran into the one closest to us or not. I just hoped that since whoever lived there had a lot of guests over they wouldn’t wake me up.

Then I was in some hotel in the last dream where a shootout had recently occurred. I was afraid I’d somehow be implicated in it as I entered my room to find a female and a male housekeeper cleaning my room. The guy said he felt weird while the girl joked about “eating paint” as fine particles fell from the duster she was using.

SATURDAY, JULY 2, 2016
This is Aly’s new and highly appropriate profile pic/quote. Smiles sweetly at you, then tweets the nasty thoughts about you she doesn’t expect you to find.

SOS going on with her, too. She made several tweets to Kim about needing a friend right now and reaching out to her “big time” about something she didn’t want to discuss in public. I didn’t think it had anything to do with me, and I was right, so I saw once she eventually spilled the beans in public since she doesn’t follow the person from that account. Some drama with another Fitbit person that got mad at her for not accepting some challenges and being pissed about losing to her. Then she said, “Oh, I’m sure she’ll write to me or send me a postcard asking me to text her.”

Does that sound like Molly or what? Then again, she met some local Fitbiters, so maybe she’s referring to them. But why can’t they just go to her place if they know her address and live nearby? So… I’m thinking Molly. Then again, wouldn’t Molly know her email address or how to reach her by phone or Facebook?

Then there was the usual thing about how texting keeps her calm and makes her happy. Yeah, so do selfish people who have no sense of empathy and who are dumber than dumb, but hey, whatever turns her on. I’m missing her less and less but still getting a kick out of her tweets.

Despite missing her less, a part of me still hopes these nutjobs she calls friends will shit on her, dump her, and leave her missing the one real friend she threw away.

I can’t believe how long it’s been since I’ve at least seen Molly on my visitor list. She’s got to be either dead, coming in undetected, or they’ve literally handcuffed her to a chair to prevent her from going online.

FRIDAY, JULY 1, 2016
Slept shittily at first, then ok. I started off waking up constantly and ended up having a racy heart. Didn’t get scared, though, as I’m now used to these things. Fortunately, they don’t happen often, but I took my first lorazepam in days to help me get back to sleep and sleep sounder.

I wonder if the new flannel sheets heated me up more than usual, though I don’t remember feeling that hot. All I do know is that these sheets are really scratchy, even with repeated washes and fabric softener. The flannels they left behind were probably 20 years old and had seen hundreds of washings, so that’s probably why they were so comfortable. These need to be worn down a bit. I should’ve just gotten 2 sets of Egyptians, but I didn’t know the Egyptians would be so nice. I put a set in ivory in the cart. That way I’ll have a blue and ivory set of Egyptians while he has a set of pink and purple microfibers. The flannels and the shrunken jersey sheets will be backups (though they won’t fit on Tom’s bed) and everything else can be considered old junk and get thrown out.

An hour or so ago I heard some firecrackers that I’m guessing came from the cemetery. They sure do love to get a jump on the holidays here. I’ve heard a few scattered firecrackers for several days now, but I don’t mind. Because I’m at a high point in the park, I could probably see the firecrackers set off at the lake standing in the middle of the street like I did last year. Maybe I’ll even take a walk down there. It’ll depend on when I get up. I just hope the parade doesn’t wake me up on the 4th or the nighttime firecrackers if I sleep later.

I made two rounds around the circle before midnight and the weather was gorgeous. I could hear people still out and about chatting from their patios. Can’t blame them. This weather doesn’t last very long here.

The more I use our front loader the more I like it. With a top loader, so much water is wasted even with the water level set for a small load when you want to do just one or two pieces. With front loaders, it puts out just the exact amount of water needed, and of course it does a much better job of cleaning as well. It’s just a bit of a pain having to dry the seal after the last load, but it’s worth it.

Changed my mind about copying old journals to my new Prosebox account and editing them on LiveJournal for public view. Too much work. You’re talking nearly 29 years’ worth of entries. Instead, they are stored on a couple of sites (my Amazon drive and a private Blogger blog) with all sensitive info either altered or edited out completely (in case the sites are ever hacked). The day before I die I might publish them just for shits and giggles, even though anyone that may find them may not like some of what’s in them whether they knew me or not. IDK, I just find something amusing in “leaving my life” behind in cyberspace on my way out, but hopefully that’s way in the future.

I’m no longer using Prosebox for journaling for myself either. I’m just going to consider it a place I touch base with the few friends I have there and only every 2-3 days. I do have other things backed up there, though. I have 7 books. The one I keep in touch with friends with, then books for copies of tweets, the highlights of my life, my bio, dreams, stories, and a book for miscellaneous stuff.

Camp NaNoWriMo has begun and so has my project, The Interviews.