March 2016 in 2010s

THURSDAY, MARCH 31, 2016
Brain fog still muddles my thoughts and so I’m not sure if I wrote about this or not, but I met the guy who ordered those sex pills from Thailand that I stupidly accepted and then dumped when I couldn’t find who they belonged to. It was a slender black guy who seemed a little too young to be living here or to have problems getting it up. Either way, he came to the back door once he learned we were the ones who signed for it. I told him I returned the package to Thailand, even though, as I said, I ended up dumping the thing. In fact, his hard-on was just inches away in the trash bin nearby.

Tom and I had just been talking about how there always seems to be some long-term drama or another going on in our lives and how I was determined to enjoy the good times but dreaded what drama might be next. First it was the freeloaders, then it was poverty, and then my health issues. My first thought was, oh no! I’m going to be in for legal problems again because I was stupid enough to accept something that wasn’t in my name, something I will never do again. I vowed not to answer any court calls that may appear in the mail or at the door, but then I realized that no one can prove that I didn’t in fact send it back to Thailand. Still, I had an anxious moment there. Not like I did when the freeloaders tried to suck me back into their legal clutches four years ago, but a slight uh-oh moment.

I’ve proven to myself that I can now make sure my schedule only jumps 1 hour a day and no more. Just 60 minutes. Just 60 lousy minutes away from holding it! I doubt I can, but once I’m getting up at 7am, I’m going to try. Tonight I’ll be getting up at 2am. Oh, to be able to sleep from 11pm to 7am every single day, even if it meant rarely being up during the most peaceful hours. Having those wee hours of the night simply not exist for me as they don’t for millions of others worldwide would be heaven. I still doubt it’ll happen any more than losing weight ever will, but I gotta try every now and then.

Pain, pain, pain. Every single day. If it weren’t for the fact that I’m going to the dentist in a week, I would be making an appointment to find out why the damn tooth is still irritating me.

I got my promotion code for the Pandora One pass I won, and I can’t say I’m very impressed. Song skipping is limited, and you can’t save songs to play whenever you want to play them. But I can do all this on Amazon Prime.

At the break of dawn, I went on a chilly walk for 28 minutes. I only ran a little part of it. But the point is that it’s the first time I ventured out that far alone since my medical issues have been resolved and had no problem at all. I KNEW my anxiety and wild HR were medically induced. I KNEW it. I know what’s normal for me. Never have I been terrified of nothing at all, and while I do have a rapid HR, it doesn’t usually feel like it’s going to explode.

No workers at Jackie’s today. In fact, it’s been an overall quiet and uneventful day so far.

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 30, 2016
I think it’s pretty pathetic that this black chick had to go off on this white dude for wearing dreadlocks and “stealing” her culture in the video that was trending yesterday on Facebook. I swear there are more black racists these days than whites, but I know, I know. I’m supposed to be politically correct and not point that out because, well, I’m white, of course.

Racists (of any color) aren’t the point of this entry, though. The point is realizing how important it is that I move on and how much nicer it is not to have to live with the negative aspects of past friendships.

I know at first that I felt totally responsible for the loss of my friendship with Aly and wondered if I shouldn’t have just kept my opinions to myself and been there for her more often.

But you know what? I WAS there for her and I really don’t think I should feel guilty for my honesty. I was concerned and just trying to look out for her. Nothing more, nothing less. It’s true that I have become a bit too critical and judgmental with age and that I need to be more accepting and tolerant. Just not overly forgiving, though. Despite not being perfect myself, I realize there’s no point in rolling my eyes and condemning those who believe in God and other things I perceive as just fantasies and wishful thinking. If people aren’t hurting anybody, then to each their own, right?

The more time I’ve had to reflect on Aly’s dumping me, the more I realize that I truly am better off without her and that to reconnect with her, Andy, Paula or even Nane in the future would be taking a step backward in life. I don’t want to do that. The guilt trips Aly would put on me for not texting with her more often, her constant baggage, her throwing our friendship away as if it meant absolutely nothing… none of that will be missed. Just her close connection to Kim could be stressful enough, as I would really have to watch what I said and did. Aly was just way too sensitive. And a hypocrite.

I wish those from my past the very best, but that’s it. They’re in my past to stay and I don’t see myself changing my mind anytime soon, if ever.

Went walking/jogging this morning for 26 minutes. His HR peaked at 104 and mine at 146, though it didn’t feel like mine got that high.

TUESDAY, MARCH 29, 2016
We’re having another unusually cold spell and I’m not sure I really want to walk in the 40° weather to the clubhouse for this morning’s workout. I would still rather be too warm than too cold.

I had a dream Tom was raised to $18 an hour. When I told him about it when he got up, he said that wasn’t possible. Someday, yes, but not this year. Well, hopefully soon enough we’ll find out if he’s even getting a raise for sure.

The second dream was the usual negativity filled with nig-induced legal woes from hell.

Tom took me out for a nice dinner somewhere before going to court, not something I would voluntarily do unless I was the plaintiff. Then it seemed like we were going down a street we used to live on. A part of it was really steep and I thought of how scary it might be to ride my bike down. But as quick as that part of the dream began, it ended and I was in jail.

The girl was walking me through a large dorm. I don’t know if this girl was an inmate or someone who volunteered or worked at the jail, but it seemed like her job was to get me situated there. We walked past rows of twin-size cots with tiny shelves or dressers between them. I saw radios and other torturous instruments that would no doubt keep me awake or at least annoy the fuck out of me when I was awake.

I guess I was charged with two things but I hadn’t been sentenced yet. I’m not sure what the first charge was, but the second one was racially motivated and I was horrified at the thought of having to spend about a year in jail waiting to be sentenced, and then another year, as the girl suggested I might have to if I was convicted.

She spoke with much contempt in her voice, particularly when she discussed the charge that had to do with race.

Later…

I arrived at the clubhouse 5 minutes late and left early. I overheated and my HR soared and pounded, though I never got scared or panicked in any way. They just keep it WAY too warm in there. Also, they’re really nice ladies but I’m getting sick of the same old shitty music. Shirley said Janice, who was my favorite there, left and I might, too. Yoga, aerobics… that just isn’t me. I prefer to keep it simple. No counting. No routines. Just lift weights or throw on my sneaks and hit the road with the music of MY choice. Seriously if I hear Blueberry Hill one more time I’ll scream!

I think I have enough variety in walking, running and bike riding. Plus I have the Bowflex. I’m always going to be 30 pounds overweight no matter what I do, so none of this is doing me any good in any way other than to keep me healthier, and stronger, and give me more stamina. I have joint issues if I’m too inactive. Despite being flexible for my age, it’s sad how much mobility I have lost due to being heavy and aging.

But dead thyroids don’t come back to life, genetics don’t change, and people don’t get any younger. So as they say, I just have to change what I can and accept what I can’t.

Unless it’s too hot, cold or raining, I’m not a big fan of working out indoors. I like to be out in the fresh air.

I was cleaning the master bathroom earlier and I pushed a little too hard and got the toilet brush stuck in the toilet. Yes, only I would do something like that. I didn’t think I was going to be able to get it out on my own at first, but with a little maneuvering, I lodged it free.

Note to self: Don’t ever do anything so idiotic again, ok?

I put the central fan on and opened the bedroom window to push out some of the chemical smells from the household cleaners I used, and then I brought the diffuser in there afterward. So now vintage roses are wafting throughout the master bath and bedroom.

MONDAY, MARCH 28, 2016
My teeth still hurt and my solar keyboard needs to do some sunbathing till the tape lights arrive that we plan to install under our desks facing down upon the keyboards.

I slept shitty once again in that I woke up a lot, but I don’t feel as tired as I was yesterday because I slept on and off for 9 hours instead of 8 or less.

Did a ton of shopping at Walmart and on Amazon. A lot of it was stuff that was needed. I’m going to try another nail fungus killer on the 3 toes that are infected and see if this one will do the trick. If not I’ll just live with it since it’s harmless. It’s just that it’d make the nail smoother and thinner thus easier to cut and polish if I could get rid of the fungus.

I also got some more essential oils so I have a better variety, new bath gloves, a couple of coloring books I didn’t need, and Herbal Essence shampoo. Sorry, but I just can’t get into the TRESemme craze. The stuff just feels heavy and doesn’t lather very well at all.

I also got a hot pink thong, two pairs of sweatpants (pink and black), and 3 pairs of shorts (pink, gray, black).

Besides the strip lights, we ordered that window mural I mentioned before on Amazon, plus I got my favorite popcorn (they never have the quantity I prefer at the store), plus 5 more animal figures. About a dozen more and I’ll consider my collection of miniature animals and fairies complete! My snakes and hermit crab aren’t exactly “miniature,” though.

Had a bunch of weird dreams. Weird and X-rated.

Two couples arrived at wherever I was at the same time to invite me out to dinner, in which we all finally agreed to go as a group. I seemed to be in a large house, and as I headed to the bathroom to freshen up and apply a little makeup, some brat came tearing through the place screaming and I secretly hoped the thing wouldn’t be accompanying us to dinner.

Then Tom did a great job of driving on a beach without getting stuck in the sand, and I was in another large house in which I and who knows how many others we to move (or to be moved) out of, and then into another house that might’ve been next door.

People, including myself, were pissed that we had to wait another hour to move. Someone glared at me annoyed that I was annoyed with having to wait, but I didn’t care. Instead, I went and showered. But as I took off my dark purple sports bra, I noticed a white film inside of it and my first fear was some kind of mold or fungus. But then I dropped it to the floor and was herded out of the house topless, along with the others, to the new house. No one seemed to mind or even notice that I was topless, but I felt very uncomfortable. Hey, it wasn’t 1993 anymore when I was a young skinny dancer.

Time seemed to pass and I was hanging outside, arms across my bare boobs when a couple came up and started chatting with me. They had something I wanted to buy from them that they were happy to show and sell me, though I don’t know what. I apologized for being topless, explaining the quick move we were made to do, and a mousy woman said, “Oh, it’s no problem.”

I lay in bed that night unable to sleep. We were supposedly waiting to get our belongings from the other house the next day. Tired of being topless, I stole out into the darkness and ran over to the other house. I scurried into the bathroom to grab my discolored bra but instead found a bright pink shirt. I snatched it up and ran down the stairs. Just as I was headed for the front door, I heard something in back of the house and realized I wasn’t alone. This made me run faster, not wanting to be seen and get in trouble.

SUNDAY, MARCH 27, 2016
“It’s best to have crumbs with bums than steaks with fake ass snakes. Be true. If no one likes you for you, they don’t matter.”

I absolutely LOVE this comment made to me!

I know I said a few entries ago that that would be it as far as the Aly/Kim thing goes, but today I woke up feeling numb where Aly is concerned.

Aly, the “friend” that called me a fatty when she was sticking up for those picking on Molly.

Aly, the “friend” that told me Kim’s face reminded her of an elephant without the trunk which she wouldn’t DARE say directly to Kim. So maybe Aly isn’t much truer of a friend than Kim, though that’s their problem.

Aly, the “friend” that I realized could give Kim or anyone else any amount of info on me she wanted if she could give me all the personal info she’s given me on Kim. I didn’t learn that Kim’s sister Carol dumped her husband and kids for another woman from a Chinese fortune cookie.

Then again, I really don’t know if numb is the proper word. Resigned may be more like it. All I do know is that I don’t feel saddened or angry at this point. Shocked, yes. She really never struck me as the dumping type. That’s always been more my department. In fact, I almost dumped the rest of my friends yesterday on every site I have them on, knowing my life would be easier if I just limited my contact to family only. That way they wouldn’t get a chance to piss me off and I wouldn’t get a chance to offend anyone with my bluntness. But I couldn’t live with the guilt, so I didn’t go on a deleting frenzy after all.

I understand, however, that it wasn’t just about me being critical and not crazy enough for her, but more like no longer needed. Once she got her old texting buddy back, then she didn’t really need me. But there are plenty of others that DO need, want and accept me as I am and that DO give a shit about me. Those are the ones I’ll be focusing on from here on out. :)

Later…

LOL, Kim has been creating new accounts on Prosebox for her silly fan fantasies. There are three of them that I know of. But surprisingly, she hasn’t blocked me from any of them. Instead, I have been the one to take the honors, fittingly, as I’m the one who has been stalked.

Out of natural curiosity, I wonder if she’s read me on Blogger or my-diary since she can’t read me on Prosebox. I’m staying FO on Prosebox for now regardless of her. She can still block my account either way, but I’ve chosen to remain FO for a while longer because I’m not open to new friends and not because of what she may do. She and Aly can read all they want. I just don’t ever want to hear from Kim or Molly.

I’ve been trying to decide what to do about the 5 places I’m currently writing at, which is a bit too many to manage. I think I’ll drop my-diary and LiveJournal, which means Kim and Aly will have to show themselves on Blogger unless they disable cookies. I’m just bored with my-diary and LiveJournal. I’ll probably keep my public Blogger blog public, but not bother to post private entries/sections on any site other than when I back up everything on Amazon’s cloud because it’s just pointless. Or maybe I’ll just back those up on Prosebox, but not LiveJournal or my private Blogger blog.

I’m going to keep doing Facebook Notes for Tammy, so the 3 places I’ll be writing at will be Blogger, Prosebox and Facebook. I’ll leave a forwarding link to Blogger on LiveJournal, but I’m not going to give a heads-up on my-diary. I’m going to just leave.

Later…

I don’t know if it’s PMS or something else, but damn am I tired tonight. I’m beyond tired. I almost feel like I’ve been drugged. Had a strange ache between my shoulder blades and a bit of a sore throat too, though I don’t feel sick like I’m coming down with anything.

I keep going off balance easily as well, but as Tom pointed out, that’s because I need my bad ear cleaned. I will be seeing the ENT next month.

Our motion censored kitchen pail broke and I can’t say I’m not kind of glad. I know Tom loves high-tech stuff, but I never cared for the damn thing because it would go through batteries like crazy. So much so that he started using rechargeables, but it was still a pain going to open the thing just to find the battery had died. So he’ll use that in the storeroom, and off we’ll be going later on to Walmart for the one I wanted in the first place and that I told Mr. High-Tech to get. :) I just want a regular, no-frills pail.

We did a small grocery run yesterday morning, and I got a miniature doll with dark hair and eyes. Yes, it’s perfectly childish, but it’s so adorably cute standing on the kitchen counter.

My sister has her laptop set up on a small table in her bedroom, which is a large room just like mine. Since we’ll eventually get a new kitchen set and I have other places to eat, color and do whatever at, I dragged our little round table into the bedroom so I can work in there during the daytime when it’s quieter. At night I’ll be in the living room with my laptop hooked up to my 32” smart TV.

I moved one of our 3 giant artificial plants from the spot the table now sits at, and that exposed much of the wall in that area. What did the sticker fanatic do? Sure enough, she picked out this gorgeous window mural for that spot. The mural is of cherry trees in a park with bright lush green grass. You can see a few people milling about, too.

It shouldn’t clash with the mint green walls in there, as some murals and wall décor can when it comes to colored walls, because of the white frame.

I had a dream Tom and I were staying someplace (on vacation or to live?) and I was in the living room when I glanced up at the sunlight streaming through the blinds. I then got up and looked out the large window there. Instead of seeing lots of houses like you do here, I gazed out at a vast and lovely natural setting. It didn’t look like a pine forest like up in Oregon or even like the woods of Auburn. It wasn’t densely wooded at all. Instead, there were sprawling green hills with scattered trees.

I don’t miss the extreme cold and snow, but I miss rural living. Not the hassles it’d bring like having to burn or haul trash, and not the wells going out, but the seclusion and peace. Minus any landlord’s mutts that are never allowed indoors, of course.

This climate here is both good and bad when you think about it. It’s good in that it doesn’t get extremely hot or cold, but if you’re a noise hater who’s easily distracted, well, we escaped the snow and mega cold but didn’t warm up enough to shut the people up in the wintertime. People are out and about here year-round, though more active in the winter.

Later…

Oh, fucking shit. Like really! Oh. Fucking. Shit. How can I be so damn dumb at times???

For the first time in ages, I thought to double-check my friends who have access to my FO blog on PB. I admit I’m more open on that particular site due to the number of friends I’ve acquired there. I decided to clean up my friends and basically delete those I never hear from like I do from time to time on Facebook.

Sure enough, I spot one of Aly’s many accounts. She may not even remember she has that account because both she and Kim create account after account on every single site they use, something I’ll never get. They create, delete, create, delete, create, delete, occasionally just abandoning some of them without bothering to deactivate first. Usually, that’s a sign one’s doing something wrong, but their reasons are their reasons and that’s not what matters. All that matters is that I not be so careless like that again! I blocked the account just in case she does remember it exists. If she’s aware of it and remembers the PW, who knows if she looked in on that particular blog or not, but I think I finally have all ports closed that I wish to close. I don’t care who sees what elsewhere, but PB is strictly FO only for now.

SATURDAY, MARCH 26, 2016
At first I was determined not to mention this at all in public, but when Aly betrayed me by telling Kim that I discussed her with her, I came to have a WTF attitude. If they can’t respect my wishes, why respect theirs and keep my mouth shut? It’s not like I’m posting any sensitive info anyway, and I don’t know that they’re reading me in the first place. Nothing visible showed up on my tracker yesterday from either one of them, although someone did spend a half-hour on the same entry on Blogger. Can’t say who it is, though, other than that they’re in the US. When my tracker can’t figure out the exact location of someone, it just defaults to something like Kansas City, MO.

I may delete entries pertaining to them at some point, but don’t know for sure. I’m kinda torn on that. I shouldn’t be bashing them publicly whether they know about it or not, but at the same time it is my journal and I’m not doing anything wrong. I don’t have a problem with sharing the same sites or with them reading me. I only get pissed when Kim needlessly plays victim by blocking me.

I still can’t believe Aly dumped me, but I would rather be dumped by all my friends for being honest than gain many friends by not being honest. It’s a reminder that anyone can dump us at any time for any reason and that no relationship is guaranteed for life. I kind of went from shocked to bummed to what you might call stubbornly determined and maybe a touch mad. Meaning that I have mixed emotions about the whole thing. I’m not going to miss the drama one bit, but I’ll miss Aly’s intelligence, creativity and insight. I don’t know why she’d dump someone who’s been upfront with her and hang onto someone who’s lied and two-faced her (I even once pointed out a nasty comment Kim made on Kathy’s Facebook wall about her), but for reasons I’ll never understand, it’s as okay for Kim to be dishonest as it is not okay for me to be honest. Well, Aly can enjoy all 330 pounds of the sorry sack of shit then.

She has a right to do what she has to do, though I did send her a text and an email telling her to at least say hello every now and then if she hasn’t already deactivated her email account and changed phone numbers.

Still, I don’t hate her. I don’t think she’s an “idiot.” I don’t think she plays a victim either. I think she’s made some unwise choices in life and has a strange sense of who she considers a “friend” vs. who she can’t “forgive,” but to say I don’t think much of her is bullshit. Sure, it’s a little insulting that she prefers lying whack jobs like Kim as opposed to one who’s always tried to be honest with her, but again, she has a type and obviously she likes those who will lie and two-face her. The slave/bondage obsession; that alone is a sign a person likes at least some degree of abuse, right?

So Kim…lie to her and tell her to “have fun” whenever she goes to the doctor. Be sure, if she ever joins Ask and allows for anonymous questions, to insult her the way you did me, and be sure to bash her to Kathy and anyone else you can behind her back. It’s ok. Aly will still love you. But never ever be honest, not that you’re capable of it to begin with.

And Aly, I’m sorry you feel this is what you deserve, but it’s your life and your right to pick and choose your “friends” as you see fit.

But me? I’m nobody’s liar. That’s why, as easy as it would’ve been, I didn’t just go along with Andy when he’d accuse me of lying to him because he has trust issues and was dumb, ignorant and uneducated about some things he didn’t get or couldn’t relate to. I’d have been the liar he accused me of being had I said, “Alright, alright. I’m making up my sleep disorder.” And also if I’d magically gotten a job outside of the house and conquered my driving phobia, knowing how thrilled he’d have been about it.

Or I could’ve just not said anything at all about certain subjects, especially if I could’ve magically known up front how he’d react to some of them. But that’s not me. If I started telling every single person what they believed or what they wanted to hear, I’d quickly lose track of what lies I told which people! Really, I wouldn’t be able to keep up with my own lies in that case, nor would I be being true to myself. Yet to keep my mouth shut would not only make me want to explode eventually but would also leave me feeling a bit dishonest for not speaking up. Better to not say anything than to lie, but still. If we can’t tell our friends exactly what’s on our minds, then I guess they’re not really our friends after all, are they?

Yes, I got sick of the little lies here and there like how she told me Kim rejoined Prosebox on her own. And automatically assumed BEFORE telling Aly that Aly would sometimes manage it? Somehow I doubt that. And I doubt she isn’t active on Twitter and Facebook, either.

And yes, I got sick of the guilt trips, intentional or not, because I might have wanted to stop texting when Tom came home. You know, the guy I’m married to who works 9 to 10-hour shifts that I rarely get to see? Or maybe it was because I wanted to go do some housecleaning, some laundry, writing, working out, or just plain wasn’t in the mood to swap texts at the moment, even though I always DID care.

Life may not be as fun or as interesting without friends, but a part of me is tempted to go private with my writing and just share with Tammy on Facebook because of the drama that can come from having friends and being honest with them. That way I don’t have to censor and filter things as much either. I don’t want to worry anybody and abandon my remaining friends, but I have to think of myself, too. I haven’t made up my mind yet, but I can say that if I do stay public, I’m going to remain FO on Prosebox for a while because I don’t want to make any new friends there. I have enough people coming at me there and I definitely don’t need additional friends and followers. I’ve built up more of a following there than I can keep up with. I wasn’t, well, supposed to get this popular. After all, I’m not a young, thin career woman with lots of sexcapades to report, ya know? I’m just a middle-aged, eccentric work-at-homer with on-and-off hormonal nightmares.

This isn’t the first time Aly and I have had a falling out. I dumped her once and then we talked it out and moved on from there, realizing there was more good than bad to each other. I’d like to think that can happen in this case, but if it doesn’t, then it wasn’t meant to be.

The only other thing Aly said in her final email that I didn’t get was that her life expectancy wasn’t that great if upping the chemo to 3x a week didn’t help or she couldn’t hold out till surgery in June. Why wouldn’t the chemo help and why wait till June for surgery if she’s that critical? I just don’t get why the doctors would have her wait that long. Well, I haven’t had any death dreams pertaining to her lately, and I know medicine has really advanced over the years, so I feel pretty confident that she’ll make it.

Either way, she’s decided I’m too honest for her and that I think things about her I don’t really think. Disease talking or not, as paranoia and depression is in fact a common side effect of cancer, I gotta move on whether I hear from her again or not.

Later…

I’m in a bit of a funk right now. The fact that I’ve managed to lose Paula, Andy and Aly in less than a year, even if I don’t entirely regret the first two, makes me wonder if I’m just an all-around horrible person. I don’t regret my honesty, but I do wonder about myself at times.

Or is this just life? I once read that 7 years from the present moment, almost all our friends won’t be our friends.

Still, I’m not going to sweat it. Right or wrong, I am who I am, I’m always going to be myself, and people can simply take me or leave me.

I can sort of understand Aly’s point, though. While I certainly didn’t mean to offend her intentionally, I have become more critical and less tolerant with age. I’m much more outspoken and unforgiving as well. Is some of it subconscious actions based on what I see so often in society? Or is it simply how I’ve evolved given my own personal experiences in life? I’m guessing it could be a mix of both.

It’s funny too, because while society preaches forgiveness in one breath, I seldom see them act upon it. I don’t want my friendship back with Paula and Andy, but what if I did? Well, I’m 90-something percent sure they wouldn’t go for that. And what about Nane? I’d consider reconnecting with her (this wasn’t just a friend), and while I apologized from the bottom of my heart for going off on her for her own judgmental ways, where is all this forgiveness people talk about? She hasn’t blocked me, but she totally ignores me. I can’t say if she’s reading my blog or not, but I haven’t heard from her on Facebook or via email in over a year. Furthermore, I’d say I have a better chance of winning thousands of dollars than ever hearing from “Agent P” again.

But hey, it was a good 8 years, life goes on, and there will always be new people to enjoy and then get into some stupid fight with, right? :)

Going grocery shopping early this morning, and well, there really isn’t a whole lot to say right now. I didn’t sleep very well, though I didn’t have any breathing issues or nightmares. I’ve been at a loss to remember my dreams lately. I’ll start to remember a faint glimmer of a dream, but before I can fully grasp it, it slips away.

Actually… there is one strange thing. Ok, one very strange thing. My mother called to me. I swear as I was about to fall asleep I heard my mother call my name twice, waking me back up instantly both times. This actually isn’t the first time she’s “called” me and my father might have as well, but I can’t say for sure.

The first time my mother called my name it sounded, IDK, distorted I guess. Like she was terrified or suffering, not that I have a problem with that after the suffering she inflicted upon me when she was alive.

But I’m a realist and a person of science. The brain does strange things, especially when we’re asleep or on our way there. If it didn’t we wouldn’t have such crazy dreams where spiders grow wings and fly while we walk around naked in public without a single person noticing.

FRIDAY, MARCH 25, 2016
Went out walking after 9pm. It was chilly as hell and the moon was huge and full. It’s the furthest I’ve ventured out on my own in many months, maybe even a year since my thyroid dose has been regulated and most of my anxiety has backed off. I just refuse to ever again be “bullied” by my own heart. Seriously, I’m trying to have the biggest I-don’t-give-a-shit attitude I possibly can so that I stop worrying about things so much. Not a reckless, careless attitude; just one that isn’t going to drive herself so crazy with worry.

Fitbit, which makes a great alarm clock, said I walked 21 minutes. I do it for my health and joints, not because I think I’ll ever lose weight. I’ve given up on that a long time ago. 1200 cals every day simply isn’t sustainable, and well, my body weighs what it feels it needs to weigh. I try to go as easy as I can on the food, but some days are easier than others. I’m getting watery again too, which makes me think the next period will be on time. But the closer I get to my period, whenever I get it, the hungrier I will get.

I feel like there are other things I could say, but just can’t think of anything other than that I slept well again, and don’t remember any dreams.

Later…

So that really is it. Aly really has dumped me. That’s what I get for being honest, but I would rather lose a few friends by being honest than gain 100 by bullshitting them. I think she thinks that I think she’s a bad person, and that’s totally not true at all. I think her buddy is a genuine asshole, but she’s just the opposite. So much so that I don’t understand why she bothers with the likes of Kim, but that’s what she didn’t like me pointing out.

I understand once again that it’s her life and she has the right to pick and choose her friends, but I can’t help but resent Kim even more for coming between us as she has in a sense. Assholes always have a way of ruining otherwise good friendships, don’t they? I realize that maybe I was blaming her a little too much for Kim’s actions. My intuition kept telling me that they BOTH rejoined Prosebox together, even though Aly says Kim did it on her own, and that she really did tell Kim about our discussion about her even though I asked her not to. Why else would she visit my blog a second time and take her shit to another site, as Aly said she did in her final email to me this morning? Either my intuition was right on, or I’m not nearly as intuitive as I give myself credit for. I really thought they joined together and I was pissed that she didn’t at least try to dissuade her from doing so thus giving her an opportunity to play victim by blocking me, which really gets to me, even if it shouldn’t. I just don’t understand why the nut job would block someone who has absolutely zero interest in them to begin with. I lost all interest in her six years ago. But as my research shows, this is classic behavior of stalkers, psychopaths and sociopaths. They will always act like they’re the ones being victimized. They are also totally incapable of feeling any empathy whatsoever. If God forbid Aly doesn’t get through leukemia, Kim’s going to just shrug and get on with her fantasy life. But I will literally be in tears no matter how much she hates me for speaking my mind.

She said I have become very judgmental and critical of her and that she can’t forgive me for what I said to her Wednesday night even though she’s usually a very forgiving person. She deleted or at least went private on my-diary, as well as on Fitbit. I also have the feeling that she didn’t get “sick” of Twitter, but that she’d slowly been pulling away from me because I’m not crazy enough for her, or as much of a texting addict as she would like.

Well, for whatever it’s worth, I don’t mean to be judgmental, critical, or cruel in any way by saying this, but she definitely has a “type” and I’m just not it. I get that. Just like some women are attracted to abusive men, Aly gravitates to the crazies for some reason. She is one of the sanest and intelligent people I know so it always struck me as odd and a bit sad, but again it’s her life. I hate to lose an otherwise great friend, but if there’s any lesson I have learned it’s not to be friends was someone who is friends with someone you can’t stand. Yeah, fuck you, Kim. Just fuck you. It may not all be your fault, but some of it is.

No sense in holding back some of the past entries I made private. I’ll backdate and share them some other time, as right now I am just too tired. The drama is just exhausting and I’ve had enough. There really does come a time when you have to wash your hands clean of it even if you don’t always want to. I’m going to get into bed now, bummed about Aly and thinking how Kim will never know just how lucky she is that she isn’t just an arm’s length away.

THURSDAY, MARCH 24, 2016
Nothing from Aly. So that’s it? We’re done. Well, that’s ok if we are. I’m ok with hearing from her, and I’m ok with not hearing from her. Both have their pros and cons. Aly definitely has a “type,” and I’m not crazy enough to be the most preferable to her. I still question just how innocent (or not) she is as far as Kim goes. She may not be able to control Kim’s actions, but she could’ve at least tried to dissuade her from rejoining Prosebox, knowing she’d only use it as a chance to block me and play Vicky Vicky on me.

I asked her not to mention our discussion to Kim, but I have a feeling she did. Kim looked in on me for a second time this morning and my guess is that it was prompted by our discussion. She probably wanted to see if I mentioned it there. So obviously the name change was pointless. She’s got my account bookmarked there.

“Crackers Fan,” which I’m guessing Aly might’ve been behind and maybe even the Lisa B account, has disappeared. One of the Ryan accounts is still there, but I don’t see any new accounts. I would still be able to see them listed even if I was blocked from them. I’ve been watching the new users come in out of curiosity.

I went all FO on Prosebox and hid myself from public view so she wouldn’t see my account from the outside in. This way, if she shows up on my tracker again, I’ll know she’s going to either Blogger or LiveJournal as well.

The vigilante offered to cross-stalk her.

Ok.

I just wonder if this will blow over soon or if Kim is going to relatch onto me and stalk me for years just like she did in 2010. She’s worse in some ways than Molly ever was. Kim may always live with family but she’s not in anyone’s custody and isn’t monitored like Molly has been since the group home got her. Kim’s older sister was checking up on her at times, but Kim still has more freedom than Molly. I still think something also happened to Molly because even though Aly says she hears from her little friends at times, I can’t believe the staff would discipline her this well for this long. Even if they did, Molly would’ve found a way around it so she could still follow Aly and I and God knows who else. When her parents kicked her offline when she was living at home, she simply went to the library to harass people from there. So something’s gotta be up with Molly.

I could complain to Marbridge if Molly ever started harassing me again, but who can I run to about Kim, who could actually become quite a nuisance if she really wanted to. I don’t think she will, though. I think that within a week or so this will all blow over. I don’t think they’re going to stick with Prosebox either. Kim’s likely to do most of her writing on sites like Blogger and WP. She may look in on my my-diary account, which I can’t verify either way, but she wouldn’t write there where she has no blocking power.

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 23, 2016
After sleeping absolutely horribly I began to rethink and re-question my dentist asking me if I had sleep apnea. Yeah, do I? I woke up gasping and feeling like I wasn’t getting enough air. It took me a few hours to fall back asleep and when I did I couldn’t stay asleep. The dentist had said something about my tongue. Maybe she was saying it flopped back against the airway?

I looked up the symptoms, and sadly, I have most of them. Unlike the articles I read, though, she and Shannon said weight wasn’t a factor. I’m not obese anyway. Close, but I’m not quite there. I also don’t snore loudly. I rarely snore and when I do it isn’t very loud. The real frustration was the symptom’s similarities to perimenopause. If the peri isn’t causing the anxiety I’ve had, could it be sleep apnea?

Tom suggested her putting the idea in my head triggered my shitty sleep and while that might’ve influenced it, I’m not so sure about that. I’ve been waking up frequently for a long time now, which is one of the symptoms, and while I don’t “suffocate” in my sleep regularly, I’ve woken up feeling like I have to suck in a deep breath many times.

It mentions brain fog, anxiety, short-term memory loss, inability to lose weight, loss of libido, poor concentration, and so many other symptoms I can relate to. The scary thing is that it can lead to heart failure and strokes.

I’ve had the runs and feel like I’ve been suffocating since I got up, though, which is a common symptom of both anxiety and heart failure. Heart failure is unlikely because I’m not coughing and congested. My lungs are usually clear. I’m probably just wound up. Maybe I’ll feel better when Tom gets up. I just wish I had more energy to motivate myself to be more active. I haven’t exercised at all today, though I did about 20 minutes yesterday.

I also struggle with the non-24 sleep disorder and have the stress on me of struggling with that to make my many appointments, too. This leaves me tired and not feeling very refreshed at times. I think it’s time to mention the sleep and peri issues to Dr. A. It’s just that I don’t want to have yet MORE shit to deal with. Sometimes the best way to deal with a problem is not to deal with it, but to just pull back, take a breath, and try to quit stressing about it. Unless it worsens, of course. I still sleep better when I’m on days and when I know I’m not alone, so that helps, too. Hopefully, I will fall asleep a little earlier and sleep more solidly next time around. Maybe I’ll take a lorazepam before bed.

The waking up gasping I had written off as being fat or laying in a shitty position, but maybe it’s my pillow, too. Then I remembered my tummy-sleeping pillow and decided to try that instead of my gel memory pillow. My favorite sleeping position, unfortunately, is on my stomach and this cheap Walmart pillow keeps your neck aligned better. One of the tips said to avoid eating a lot before bed, and that sleeping on your back is best but that’s my least favorite position. I’m also going to try their recommendation of sleeping with a nose strip on as well.

During one of those rare moments of sleep, I don’t know where we were, but Tammy walked into the room with someone else. I began to run to her to cry on her shoulder about possibly having sleep apnea, but she seemed to be suffering somehow, so I bit my tongue.

Then Evie from aerobics came into the room to show me a huge picture book in which one of the pictures I supposedly took was featured. The person she was with then magically produced some old vinyl records and I told him I had nothing to play them on.

Tammy then flicked her cigarette lighter and said, “I could get those to play with my lighter.”

Then I was someplace warm. It was nighttime and I ventured outside from what seemed to be a small room in which I slept. It was very toasty warm out. Then I started to worry that when I shut the door behind me it would lock and I wouldn’t be able to get back in, but it opened ok.

Later…

Changed my u/n on Prosebox and went FO, but if Kim’s saved the link, then the name change won’t matter, unlike on Twitter where changing u/n’s means changing the link. I wouldn’t be surprised if Kim wasn’t on my-diary because she has no blocking power there. Still, I have taken the liberty of preventing her from victim-playing on every site I can without putting myself out. This means that my-diary, LiveJournal and Blogger will resume as usual, but since I’ll be sharing entries on Facebook, I won’t share Blogger links there.

Really like how Notes look these days on Facebook where we can insert pics along the tops of the notes. Wish we could put pics across the strips of posts on Blogger in a similar style. My notes will be mostly visible to just Tammy.

And no, Aly wasn’t playing with me. We exchanged texts and emails tonight, but as usual, she’s driving me crazy with her clinginess. I’m tired of her guilting me over the fact that I do have other things to do at times and can’t always just text, text, text. I’m sorry she’s suffering so horribly now (she was in the ER again) both physically and emotionally, but people really do get busy at times and they’re not just trying to brush her off. Just because I work at home, don’t drive, don’t socialize like crazy, and can’t keep a schedule doesn’t mean I still don’t have a life. I work. I clean. I learn. I have hobbies. I work out. I have a husband. I have pets. I live.

The agreement was for us to keep in touch via email (editing there is so much easier for me) since she has the psychopath to text with, but now her computer will be in the repair shop until Friday.

Anyway, I asked her not to say anything to Kim (no guarantees I’ll get my wish there), I was not only honest about my feelings about her, but about how Kim’s shit still gets to me. She said she appreciated my honesty, but couldn’t exactly thank me for it.

Seriously, this shit with Kim is beyond asinine! This is SIX years after I decided for sure that I want absolutely NOTHING to do with her on account of her lies and delusions. Yet here she is all these years later still blocking me as if I’m the one following and contacting her.

Aly said she’s afraid of me and that her older sister monitors her online activity which would explain why she hasn’t contacted me for years, but if she’s so afraid of me, why did she look in on me last night for nearly 3 minutes?

Also, Aly claims she doesn’t know my Prosebox account, but I’m not sure I buy that. Maybe she had nothing to do with blocking me and it was all on Kim. That’s what stalkers do, after all. They harass and then block the people they harass, and then they collect whatever links and info they can on them. If Aly didn’t block me herself, since they both manage the fan accounts, then Kim either looked me up (I was using my first name) or she saved the link. I don’t think, however, that Kim follows my blog regularly on my-diary where there is no tracking like she used to, or that she normally disables cookies to follow me on other sites. Just in case, though, I make a point of not publically mentioning her or Molly and giving either troll the negative attention they get off on, though my guess is neither one has looked in on me in many months, other than Kim’s peekaboo from last night. Even if they both started reading me regularly, though, I’m not going private. I have too many followers. As long as I’m not contacted, that’s what matters most.

Later…

I slept wonderfully! I really needed that, too. I slept 10 long hours with no breathing issues and very few wake-ups. I never once had to get up and pee.

On the downside, the God fantasy has found its way to our back door. Literally. As if it isn’t enough to have to listen to these annoyingly and very old stories of a “wonderful” God despite all the shit that goes on in the world!

Some asshole slipped some religious crap in between the screen and the metal grid of the back door so I can’t get it out. Just like people one day came to be smart enough to realize that allowing women on ships didn’t really bring bad luck, I hope there will come a day when people will smarten up enough to get over the God trip and quit kidding themselves with that. Really, you can indulge in these fantasies and tell yourself what you want to hear/believe, but if it’s bullshit, is it really healthy and productive anymore than for an alcoholic to tell themselves they don’t have a drinking problem? Oh, right, I’ll just stop my thyroid meds and assume there’s some magical and invisible fantasy God that will wake up my thyroid all from the goodness of His heart just because he loves the shit out of me. Oh no, He’d never let anything bad happen to me or anyone else for that matter. No, He’s not going to just sit back and watch ISIS cut people’s heads off, or innocent children be beaten to death, or for people to die of horrible diseases, right? Right?

Hey folks, reality is often scary to face. I get that. But the sooner we pull our heads out of the sand, the better off I think we’ll be. It’s one thing for children to pretend to have imaginary friends. One that considers them special and cares about them and always has their back. But adults are supposed to be smarter than that and know better!

Hearing anything God used to annoy me, but these days it just pisses me off. I’ve totally lost tolerance for this shit and I admit it. So please… keep it to yourself, will you? You have a right to these fantasies if you feel they’re going to help get you through life, but remember, I don’t, ok? I prefer chocolate, the smell of lavender, soothing music, writing, etc. These fantasies are on you and you only. :) So please spare me your gods, your angels, your fairies, your elves, your unicorns, and all your other fictitious figures.

What also pisses me off is that the park isn’t supposed to allow anyone to be soliciting this crap here, so what’s up with that? They must’ve slipped in when the gates were open. They’re open all day and nobody mans them.

TUESDAY, MARCH 22, 2016
So pissed off right now (at Kim and Aly) and so torn between the “don’t let Kim control how I live my online life” vs. the “don’t give her the satisfaction of having accounts available to block and play false victim with” attitude. Seriously, I regret and resent every psychopath I ever met through Aly! I also totally regret telling Aly about Prosebox too, cuz wherever she goes, Kim goes.

First, I’ve been finding it a bit odd that Aly’s supposedly sending both texts and emails I haven’t gotten, and that she also hasn’t gotten some I’ve sent. Now technology is always glitchy. I get that. But what if she doesn’t “need” me anymore now that Kim’s back to texting with her regularly which is her favorite thing to do in life next to reading? Aly’s a very needy person who will gravitate and focus mostly on whoever she can get the most attention from. She also clearly prefers delusional nutjobs like Kim for friends. This has always struck me as weird. Usually the crazy seeks the crazy and the intelligent seeks the intelligent. That’s the thing, though… Aly may be intelligent and sane, but she’s not always very stable or honest.

What’s got me going tonight is that Kim is once again playing the victim she never was, though I am not going to let Aly know what I know because I know it would get back to her. I also know that Kim’s needlessly blocking me (like I would even want to read/comment on Kim’s boring blogs?) shouldn’t bother me a bit. After all, it can’t hurt me. But I feel that by her knowing where my accounts are, I’m giving her a chance to play victim, even though I’m not doing that at all and am just simply going about my business. Again, I shouldn’t care, but I just hate to give her the satisfaction of blocking me whenever I can help it, so I once again deactivated on Twitter, since I’m not really interested in using that site after all. Can’t do anything about Facebook, and she’s probably blocking me every time she creates one of her silly fan accounts she’s so obsessed with on Blogger, but I’m doing what I can to prevent her from playing vicky vicky on other sites.

It started with me happening to notice the latest users at the bottom of the front page on Prosebox. I haven’t known her or Aly to use the site in a while, so I haven’t been checking. But then I got a Stafford Springs, CT hit on my tracker and ran to check the new users since she uses such obvious names. Sure enough, there were two new Ryan Hanrahan Fans accounts, one of which I was quick enough to block her on before she got a chance to block me. She (or Aly) happened to be on at the same time. I ran and looked in from my bogus account and it said, “Owned by Kim M and sometimes managed by Aly P,” so there was no doubt who it was connected to.

Lisa B Fans just showed up and I just blocked that too, even though Kim only visited me once. She made 5 page views that took nearly 3 minutes.

With all the reading I’ve done on stalkers like Kim and Molly, and others that are psychopaths or sociopaths, it’s actually very common for them to act like they’re the ones being victimized. The shitsters in Phoenix probably really truly believed deep down that they were the true victims in the case. This is classic stalker/psycho behavior.

I appreciate the fact that no trolls have tried to contact me or harass anybody I’m connected to, but there is still something about Kim blocking me that really gets to me. I can’t stress enough just how UNinterested I am in anything she writes or does online. Meaning I have no desire to follow any of her accounts, nor do I have any desire to contact her. Not that she ever would, because again, she doesn’t believe she’s done anything wrong, but even if she’s suddenly apologized to me for every shitty thing she ever did to me, her apology would go unaccepted and she would remain unforgiven and avoided. The only time I don’t avoid her is when I’m blocking one of her accounts before she can block me. I have zero contact with her otherwise, and I’m not worried about her excessive blocking and risking my accounts because the people running the sites can see that no activity from my account to hers is ever-present.

So here’s what I decided to do about it for now. I don’t want to shut down all my accounts and dump friends I’ve made online who may worry about me and who haven’t done anything wrong. Instead, I’ve chosen to simply disappear from public view for a while. This will also give me a chance to see if Aly really is playing with me or not. I sent her a message on my-diary and told her I’ve texted and emailed her, and that if she doesn’t get those or my message on my-diary, then I don’t know what else I can do. If her heart is no longer in our friendship and she would rather focus on sick fucks like Kim, that’s her prerogative but I’m not going to play any games either.

So like I said, rather than dump accounts that I worked so hard to build up over the years and punish innocent people, I’m going to stop using my-diary for now, go private on LiveJournal, create a new book that’s FO on Prosebox, and stop using my public Blogger blog. I’ll use my private one there. I thought of embedding Tammy’s email so that they would auto-send to her, but I think I’ll just share those on Facebook for either her or friends. Most will be for just her. I’ll email some, too.

To the best of my knowledge, the only activity Aly should be able to see until I decide how to proceed from here is on Fitbit. I can create private boards on Pinterest just in case she thinks to look for me there. She’s not into pic collecting, but she knows of my account there. Until I find out for sure what’s going on with her, let HER do some wondering of her own and wonder what the hell’s going on with me. This is just a temporary setup, though. I’m not going to abandon my blogs and journals just for one delusional psycho who loves to play victim.

Aly deactivated on Twitter saying she has no use for the site either, but my guess is she’s created an account that is connected to one of Kim’s many dozens of accounts. Only difference is that Aly’s smart enough not to make the name so obvious. Well, Aly has a right to do what she wants online that she doesn’t want me knowing about, but if I do catch her any more lies, or she continues to be the only one that I happen to have issues sending and receiving texts and emails with, I’m not going to literally dump her but she can count on not hearing as much from me if that’s the case.

Later…

Lisa B may not be connected to Kim or Aly. I left some less-than-kind comments from my bogus account and that account was immediately blocked Kim-style. The fact that that account wasn’t blocked by Lisa B, makes me doubt the connection. The writer said it was their first fan account because “someone else was doing it,” and while the writing was Aly good, it mentions things that seem very un-Aly, and appears to be in the South. Aly doesn’t drive a Honda Civic nor did she ever eat at Subway every day.

Unless it’s an attempt to see if my bogus account comments. Maybe she’s testing that account to see if it’s connected to me. I better leave a comment then. If I don’t she may wonder why I only commented on the “obvious” account.

The only other thing that points away from Aly is the time. She usually crashes around midnight her time while Kim is up really late.

I probably shouldn’t have, but I couldn’t resist finally replying to Andy’s message last night about my journals not making sense to him with, “No surprise there. Not much ever made sense to you. Now try figuring out…” I listed the months of blogs he hasn’t gotten yet that I also sent him last night. I just had a bored moment and found the idea amusing.

Same with “laughing” at Nane. Yeah, now that they have reactions there I laughed at a post of hers on some musician’s page about a delay in the release of an album she’s been wanting, even though she posted it about a year ago.

MONDAY, MARCH 21, 2016
“Looks like a surprise win,” said Tom, as he entered the house with the day’s mail.

Yes, every now and then a surprise win will show up without warning. No emails, no phone calls, no letters.

So I took the small box from him and found I’d won a pricey facial serum, some samples, some bath beads, and a really nice cosmetic bag.

If it weren’t for that and the one dream I remember having, I wouldn’t be doing an entry today since nothing else is going on at the moment.

I dreamed we had to temporarily move back into our old Phoenix house, though I don’t know why. I just know that neither of us was happy about it. I asked Tom, who was lying in bed, how long he thought we’d be there and he said, “About a month, if I can help it.”

I then told him I put the dish towel (after doing dishes since the house had no dishwasher) on the counter, implying that I couldn’t fit it through the narrow cabinet handles from which to hang it. I also told him that within reason, of course, he could be as messy as he wanted since we weren’t staying there for good.

Then I wandered through the house, thinking I’d take pictures to post online with old ones, comparing how it looked now as opposed to when we last lived there in 1999.

SUNDAY, MARCH 20, 2016
Andy replied to the last entry I sent him before I got fed up and threw in the towel. He said most of what I said made no sense.

Yeah, I know. He didn’t usually get things very easily, but as they say, we can explain something to someone but we can’t make them get it. Seriously sometimes we just can’t make someone get something no matter how we present it to them. It’s like trying to convince a die-hard believer that no, there is no God.

WTF, though? He’s blocked me on Facebook but now wants to do email? I didn’t realize it was recently sent when I clicked on it. I’d just gotten up and thought my mail program was screwed up again, sending me long-since read and deleted messages. It was nice to hear from him, but at the same time, nothing has changed. No hard feelings toward him, but I believe what I believe and he believes what he believes. Nothing’s going to change that and I accept that. Wonder if his email was prompted by my started to store dreams/pics last night on Ask, though, or if the timing is just coincidental? Either way, I don’t care what accounts of mine he looks in on, but I’m still never going to be a carbon copy of who he is and he’s still not going to get 80% of the things I say.

Later…

I try to be as fair and as honest as I can by being myself but also by being as open-minded as possible and looking at things as objectively as possible, too. So this brings me to ask myself this: Am I judging blacks too harshly? Hmm… well, human nature dictates that if a woman is raped she’s likely to judge men harshly as one is to judge gays harshly if a gay person happens to screw them over.

So would my take on blacks differ had I not been legally screwed by them? That’s really hard to say. I mean, no Muslim has ever directly burned me in any way, yet I could sit here and say a lot meaner things about those animalistic shitsters that no one wants to hear, including Norma, who insists blacks are widely hated in the South.

But that’s the thing… as long as your words don’t fall within popular opinion; no one wants to hear it. You’re racist, you’re evil, and flat-out “ignorant” and “misinformed” as far as most people are concerned. It’s a shame that we only have a right to our opinion when it conforms to popular belief, but my feelings are my feelings and I stand by them as I would with any other aspect of myself.

I don’t think anyone selectively chooses what they feel and believe about things like racism, God or religion but that their feelings and beliefs are formed based on their own personal experiences in life.

I believe most blacks are assholes because of the way they behave. I believe there is likely no God because of all the suffering that goes on in the world. I believe religion is pointless because no two people are alike.

You can’t lump everyone together. In this country, you’re a “better” and “correct” and “normal” woman these days if you work your ass off and skip motherhood. Well, that lifestyle may be becoming more preferred by many women, but why should every single woman be expected to live that way? Why can’t each individual woman do what she feels is best for herself? If everyone stops breeding humans will become extinct, not that they should breed like rabbits, and not that extinction may not be a good thing in many ways with all the shit that goes on in the world.

But the point of this entry was to have a “heart to heart” with myself and ask myself…would my views on blacks be any different if I hadn’t been race-carded by them? Probably not.

And I have EVERY right to think, feel and believe as I do same as anyone else does. Yet even though I’m not obligated to take responsibility for people’s often fragile and sensitive feelings, I’ll keep this entry amongst those I’m closest to.

I’m also having fun posting my more “controversial” entries on Prosebox from my bogus account and watching people’s reactions. Surprisingly, I didn’t get bashed like I expected to (yet), but one member who didn’t have the guts to tell “Angel Eyes” off directly ranted in her own journal about how she unfollowed her for being such a horrible, evil racist. LOL

Later…

My Twitter excitement wore off of me rather quickly. It’s just too much work and confusion to set up 4 accounts to log things I can easily log in Word or in blogs/books/journals. More than likely I won’t bother with Twitter much but I am backing up dreams and pics to one of my old Ask accounts.

Woke up with my tooth and gums aching and had to take Ibuprofen. I think it’s starting to get better but it still has a ways to go.

It was very quiet today but that’s only because it rained. As soon as it warms back up, it’s landscaping/projects by day, car stereos by night. So both the shitty weather and the nice weather have its pros and cons.

I’m kind of in a lazy mood tonight. I should hit the Bowflex, hit the treadmill, work on my story… do something, but I just want to read and color.

Tom and I vacationed in Hawaii in my dreams last night. There was only one negative part of the dream where I was off by myself and was approached by a suspicious couple. Not sure what they were trying to accomplish, but instinct told me they were less than honest, and I was glad they didn’t know our room number.

On our final night there I thought of how it was the perfect length of time for a vacation, not too long, not too short. I packed up what seemed like a million pairs of shoes, then decided to do the rest of the packing in the morning before we left, since I wasn’t going to get 8 hours of sleep.

I went into the bathroom and it took me a moment to find the toothpaste. Then I accidentally dropped the cap down the drain and was glad Tom thought to take a couple of nearly empty tubes so we could squeeze out any leftovers from it in the morning.

SATURDAY, MARCH 19, 2016
Let me rant and vent about the neighborhood noise before I get into my grand Twitter plans. If I didn’t know any better I’d swear it was a weekday today! I still can’t believe the amount of shit we hear here. Projects, landscaping, traffic… there’s something nearly every single day.

Today’s annoyance was them putting gravel and a scattering of small plants on the new people’s lot. I figured they wouldn’t leave it bare, but it’s the best I could hope for because it should generate less upkeep racket this way. Had they had grass laid down, that’d be different. The people next to them were mowing their grass.

The thing that keeps me from going from agnostic to total atheist is because coincidentally, this shit waited till I got up to start and took over 4 hours to complete. Because these things happen to happen when I’m around and awake, it still makes me think the same noise curse that was put on me in the 90s is still following me around. It’s gotta be aimed at me, because Tom said it was quiet until I got up, and this isn’t the first time it happened to turn out like that. I’d be willing to bet just about anything that it was nice and quiet while we were away.

The warmer weather definitely has its pros and cons just like the colder weather. I love the warm weather and I love wearing shorts and summer clothes, but it’s not as good for sleeping or exercising. People are noisier in the daytime, and car stereos can be heard booming down the freeway at night.

I moved our little 2-seater round kitchen table into our very large master bedroom so I could work in there when I’m on days since sounds reverberate through our cavernous living room a lot easier than they do back in the bedroom. In fact, I’m hearing the distant thump of bass as I write this that couldn’t be heard in there. Through the warmer weather, I may work in there day and night. It’s terrible. Just terrible. Really wish we weren’t so close to the edge of the park. Not sure if it’s one vehicle that’s parked nearby or a ton of different ones blazing down the freeway, but by the time these ferociously loud things were still legal in 2005, I knew they always would be.

We will eventually get a new 4-seater living room set as we’ve needed to do but haven’t considered a top priority. It still isn’t, especially since we eat at our computers and don’t entertain or anything like that. Plus, we have tons of counter space with stools to sit on.

We walked/ran a little over 2 miles and this time it only took 27 minutes as I get fitter and faster.

My Twitter plans… I was entering an Amazon instant sweep when I accidentally woke my account back up that I had deactivated because I had to follow someone in order to play the game. I refuse to promote people by retweeting and other things like that, but I don’t mind following sweeps or their sponsors on Twitter because I don’t have to see their tweets. In fact, I don’t have to see anyone’s tweets there because now that Aly and I got sick of using Twitter for tweeting life and our everyday thoughts, there’s nothing to see. She was the only one I was really following there. But rather than deactivate again, I thought I would use that account as a reading list and tweet whatever book I’m currently reading.

I used one of those free sites that deletes tons of old tweets, but they only deleted about half of them. So I still have a few thousand to manually delete a little at a time.

I also thought I’d create a few other Twitter accounts. One for tweeting my wins, one for my collectibles, and one for the main highlights of my life, though those last two will be private. The question is what I should consider a “highlight.” Obviously buying a house isn’t something we do every day, but neither is buying a new living room set. Yet I’m not sure buying a new living room set is considered a main event.

I’m also using one of my old Ask accounts to back up both dreams and pics.

Had a dream I was at the beach with my sister and nieces. Unfortunately, our parents were alive, though, and had a summer cottage again. Not sure what state we were in, but at one point I was in the water myself. It was very calm and clear. I stuck my face in the water, opened my eyes and peered down at the ocean floor about 6 feet below me. I saw the heads of dead cows, bulls, and even some snakes.

I got out of the water and sprawled out on the beach. Then I realized I was getting too much sun for my pale, sensitive skin, and then I got up and sort of “fell” into a very small circular pond with water so murky you couldn’t see half an inch through it. Afraid of what creatures may be present in it, I quickly scrambled out and into the cottage.

Tammy handed me a hot pink pen and said, “Here. Mom found your favorite writing pen that you lost under the rug.”

I took the pen and looked down at the rug on the porch floor and noticed another pen just under the edge of it.

I explained to Aly how I was sending Alyssa chapters of the story I threw her in just for shits and giggles, and how she prevented me from sending additional friend requests because I sent more than one, thinking my first one might not have made it to her. I just wanted Aly’s opinion and for her to tell me if she thought she hadn’t received them at all, hadn’t noticed them in her “other” box, has noticed them but chose to ignore them completely, or if she’s noticing and reading them.

Because she prevented me from sending additional friend requests, Aly suspects that she hasn’t noticed them sitting in her “other” box.

This would be my guess as well. Although… wouldn’t someone as smart as a doctor notice the number count rising in her “recent request” section which is where the “other” box is? But if she’s seen them then why hasn’t she blocked me? Sheer curiosity about the story?

Damn Facebook for making it so hard to contact people! First they don’t allow messages to go through in the first place, and now they have to go to a place where most people don’t even think to look for them. What’s the point then? I’d rather be blocked and know that someone at least got my message than wonder if they got them or if they’ve noticed them if they did. Because of that, I’m not going to bother sending additional chapters. Kinda funny, though, to imagine her finally noticing it in 10 years or so and being like, WTF? LOL, Would she then wish she could read the rest of the story?

On Facebook was yet another report of a black attacking a white at a Trump rally. So sad that so many blacks still think violence is the way to get ahead in life despite the fact that 95% or more of the population has long since accepted them. Some things really never do change. I’ll bet this guy will barely get a slap on the wrist, but if he were white he’d go down hard for a hate crime. Really, if this guy was so anti-Trump (as most of us are, myself included) then why did he bother to go to his rally? Isn’t that like going to a concert to see a band you don’t like? It’s like he was looking for trouble. Really, these people sometimes ASK for what they get and they MAKE haters out of some people.

I totally understand having a bleeding heart for the blacks that were once slaves and truly shit on constantly, but I don’t get why anyone has any sympathy these days for them with the way so many of them are acting out, looting, killing, playing the race card, gang banging, and ruining so many lives. I’m sick of hearing all the shit they pull and so many people having this senseless and unfounded sympathy for them. The few that are as fed up with them as I am it’s because THEY made us this way. Yet almost everyone just loves them. What will be the next “politically correct” thing, to praise and make excuses for rapists and child molesters?

A white blogger was saying she was sick of hearing how “privileged” she is as she had to work 3 jobs to make ends meet and is sick of hearing how “easy” it is to be white. I don’t blame her at all!

There was a case of a few white chicks getting kicked off a plane for fighting without being arrested at all. Sure enough, a black guy automatically cried, “White privilege!”

Wrong! It’s people not thinking violence is any big deal and a country with twisted laws. Same thing would’ve happened had the chicks been black as midnight. But they see only what they want to see and not the facts.

Just had to vent. Man, I am so, so fucking sick of their shit, their whining, their false accusations, their everything! Nothing is ever good enough for them. How I wish we could go back to segregation at times.

I wonder how many more years or decades it will be before whites finally get fed up enough to start attacking them, but I can ask the same thing about why we haven’t attacked all the Muzzies. Really why don’t we? Why don’t we make the world a safer place to live? They say two wrongs don’t make a right, but maybe sometimes it’s the only way to put people in their proper place and get them to do the right thing. As I learned long ago, the more we take shit, the more shit we’re going to get. So isn’t it time to stop making excuses for these “poor oppressed” people who technically have more rights than we ever had?

I may be disgusted with society and its laws in general, but I never would’ve thought I’d come to have so much hatred for these people. Again, though, I’m only what they themselves have made me. I’m in the 5% or less that hasn’t an ounce of pity for you. I ain’t doing the “black love” thing and joining in the sympathy campaign when YOU’RE the ones antagonizing us. Certain individuals that are kind to me and have never given me a reason to dislike them, sure. But as a whole, they can go fuck themselves.

Facebook needs to get a keyword filter so those of us sick of hearing about racism and other shit can filter/block that cow crap out.

FRIDAY, MARCH 18, 2016
Finally winding down after what’s been a busy – and highly annoyingly noisy – day with gorgeous weather. I aired the place out a bit. It was truly beautiful, but with the nicer weather comes more car stereos that can be heard at night, risk of hot flashes waking me up, and more activity in the park. The guy on the other corner is being thoroughly obnoxious again that I’m contemplating whether or not to complain to the office or maybe email Joy. Hammering and making other loud sounds every so often is fine, but this little cock’s been at it again regularly and it’s getting old. Had to listen to it today for over 6 hours. What is it with all these seemingly needless repairs he does on his place anyway? The house is utterly gorgeous and in great condition from what I can see. What more does it need done to it?

If only he could be doing all this shit in preparation to sell it so I don’t have to listen to his shit anymore, but the guy appears to be in his 50s or 60s. In an adult community that’s not the age you usually sell out at.

I’m just afraid the office won’t be much help quieting him down. Technically, one has the right to make all the noise they want if it’s during the daytime. I just wish he’d give me the same courtesy I give people around here. Unless it’s necessary landscaping, we don’t make people listen to our shit. Bastard should at least shut the garage door when hammering. You know… common sense, common courtesy?

Anyway, there was a lot of noise in the park today. Not just from him. People were on their roofs, people were landscaping, people were gardening, people were out and about doing pretty much everything and anything. Until the heat rolls in in a few months, this is how it’s going to be, although we are in for another cool and wet spell on Sunday and Monday.

Been reading Once Gone by Blake Peirce. It’s a good murder mystery. Now that it’s dark and quiet, I think I just might do a little work on my own story.

Was going to go out walking this evening, but nah. I did a half-hour on the Bowflex and we did a quick bike ride today and yesterday down to the lake. Just a quick one to get our muscles back in shape for that kind of exercise.

My jaw and gums still ache and sting a bit, but I haven’t needed any ibuprofen today. Tammy sure can’t seem to catch a break, though. Now she’s got to have nerves cut along her spine, and well, that’s going to take longer to recover from than when they cut leg nerves. :(

THURSDAY, MARCH 17, 2016
Kind of hurts that I’m quick to follow up with Tammy after she’s had a procedure done and even wish her good luck on the day it’s to be done, and what do I get about the dentist? Not a single word.

Although it’s been quiet here so far today, I sure woke up on the wrong side of the bed. My jaw is sore, Skype’s not working right, and the water’s been off since I got up at noon. I’m sick of these water games we have to play every 2-3 weeks cuz the park’s too lazy to replace all the old pipes at once!

Anyway, I tried to pull my ass out of bed earlier, but yesterday really left me exhausted. Plus, I woke up hot flashing at 5am. No racy heart, just very hot. Had to turn the fan on and of course I was cold later on and had to get up again to turn it off.

Last night I dreamed we moved into a large 2-story house with others like it around us. We were on a corner. The neighborhood sort of reminded me of the second house my parents had in Longmeadow, MA. Only one night the rental next door was being moved into after sitting empty for a while. Naturally, I worried about what we may be in for given our shit luck with neighbors in the past.

I sat in our darkened living room and looked at the house across from us. It too, was a rental, but was also a duplex of some kind. I watched as a bunch of 20-somethings, most of whom were dressed very suggestively, danced around to loud music as they drank like fishes. Both front doors were open and I could see people milling about in the foyer and going up and down the stairs on both sides.

“We always get surrounded by the damn rentals,” I said to Tom in a frustrated tone.

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 16, 2016
Whew! My dentist appointment is over and my temporary crown is now in place. It seemed to take forever, but being in the hands of such a kind, caring staff really helps.

It’s a big procedure and I was there for a couple of hours. So much is involved as opposed to pulling teeth where they just numb you and pull the tooth. They have to take molds, grind the tooth, and much more. She used Novocain without epinephrine so I wouldn’t get jittery or have a racy heart. The only negative to this kind of Novocain is that one shot isn’t enough because it’s so fast-acting. I would still rather have to have them shoot me a few times during the procedure than give me anything just once with epinephrine in it.

Shannon said she’d give me just half a Valium cuz I’m little. They had 10mg tablets, so this way it was just 5mg for me. I was shaky at first, then became wonderfully drowsy and relaxed even if I still hate that damn drill, haha. It wasn’t as loud as I remembered it to be, but it’s still one of my least favorite tools of theirs. Also, it’s my #2 tooth, which is one of the hardest to reach.

The dentist wondered if I snored or had sleep apnea. Something about the way my tongue flopped back, I guess, but nope. I only snore a little bit at times, according to Tom.

I was sure to update her on my wins, which she always enjoys hearing about, LOL.

Shannon has a good memory (I haven’t seen her in 2 years because part of the time she was on maternity leave). She asked about the rats. Didn’t have Hoodie and Cappy last time I saw her. That would have been Romeo and Sugar, and I explained that they have short lifespans.

She also wondered where my glitter was. I didn’t have my glitter eyeshadow on, but I did have a touch of pink glitter mascara. :)

I gave them the two citrus-scented oils I didn’t care for and both the dentist and Kathleen really appreciated it.

After they were done with me Shannon guided me to the bathroom, since the Valium made me so drowsy. I didn’t see the doctor again cuz she was with someone else, but as I was leaving I said goodbye to Shannon and Kathleen. As I was doing so I said, “It’s a good thing we ladies get to sit down when we pee,” and they laughed their asses off at that one. So true, though! I wasn’t exactly steady on my feet. The stuff wore off pretty fast, though. Fast enough to stop for a bite to eat on the way home, but not enough to work out with. I’ll take my 4K steps around the park tomorrow, or maybe ride my bike since the weather’s nicer.

I have to return in 3 weeks for the permanent crown. For now, my gums are going to be sore and I’m going to have some stinging for a week or so, so I’m armed with ibuprofen and salt water to gargle a couple of times a day.

Kathleen said they like it when I see them. Of course they do. I give free things that cost a fortune, LOL.

Last night’s dreams weren’t very good. It was nice that my friend Kim visited, but the “dream people” sure do love to throw me in jail an awful lot. I had no idea what I was charged with or how long I’d be there either. I was alone in a room that wasn’t small or big as I picked away at the too much food they gave me that I had absolutely no appetite for. I was depressed, and I guess I was on probation for something else at the time because I thought of how Tom would have to notify my PO that I was in jail. I tried to console myself by telling myself that at least my probation time would probably be up by the time I got released, but then I fell into an even deeper depression when I realized that I would probably have yet more probation on account of whatever I was currently in for.

I then kind of stumbled into an office of sorts sobbing hysterically. The woman at the desk, who I first thought was a nurse of some kind, looked up at me and then called for someone else. I realized I’d probably scared her and felt bad for her.

A few staff members entered the room next and I told them I suddenly felt very warm. One of them felt my forehead and determined that I had a fever, so I was put in bed for a while in the infirmary.

Then I was sitting at a long table with other inmates. The daily mail was passed out and I was handed a letter from Kim. Enclosed with her letter was some jewelry. I was surprised the staff hadn’t confiscated it. I commented to one of the officers on how beautiful the jewelry was. She just gave a slight nod of agreement but didn’t reach to confiscate it.

TUESDAY, MARCH 15, 2016
OMG! For the first time since I started playing around with the good doc (Alyssa), my message appears as “seen” by her. I figured she was getting them since no one’s complained about Facebook not delivering messages in a while, but was unsure if she was actually reading them. I was thinking they were probably going to her “other” box and she wasn’t noticing them. I wonder, though, is this the first message she’s actually read? Or is this just the first message that’s appeared as read? No sign of her checking out my blog, though.

I’ve been having fun sending her a few chapters at a time of the story I threw her in just for kicks, knowing I’ll never hear from her or see her again anyway. Once she denied my friend request, I knew then and there that she wasn’t interested in any kind of friendship. You know how it is for me anyway… no hotties are meant to be, even if they’re only friends unless they live in another state or country.

What I don’t get, though, is why she hasn’t blocked me. She’s prevented me from sending additional friend requests (I sent more than one in case she didn’t get the first one), hasn’t replied to any of my messages, but hasn’t blocked me? Could she be curious about the story? I’ve sent about 6 chapters so far out of 16. Or could she be hoping to “get” me somehow? She certainly doesn’t seem the vindictive type like Maliheh was so I don’t know what to think.

Tammy’s doctor’s appointment didn’t go off very well yesterday. She’s in pain, allergic to whatever her doctor used on her, and then learned she won’t be able to have a total knee replacement on her other knee. She said they think it could further complicate her health.

sighs sadly I feel so bad for her. I don’t expect everyone I know to be all fluff and sunshine every single day, but I wish they weren’t so miserable so often. Life is one big struggle, though, like it or not. That’s why I’m enjoying these better days; because I know that sooner or later all good things really do come to an end. But nothing stays the same forever. Not even the bad times. They didn’t for me and they won’t for her.

Went out walking for 36 minutes yesterday and burned 228 calories while my HR averaged 126. I did some running along with walking, too. I was amazed that Tom could keep up with me, LOL.

Spicy black raspberry hot chocolate sucks. I’ve also learned that hot chocolate of any kind is a Keurig jammer, so I’ve got to clean it with the silicone thingy and run a few ounces of hot water through it afterward.

I love to sample variety packs, but there are a few I don’t care for. Not impressed with the pineapple coconut water you brew over ice either.

Still loving my new diffuser. It’s way easier to clean than the wax warmers, despite the lack of variety in fragrances. Out of the 20 scents I got, I don’t care for the citronella or the lemongrass, so I’ll give those to – Kathleen? Katherine? – at the dentist’s office tomorrow.

I definitely like the Emori’s I ordered on Amazon as opposed to the one I got at Walmart. They’re smaller bottles, but since you only need a few drops, they should last a long time.

Anyway, tomorrow is when I get the temporary crown put on my tooth, and of course my stomach is doing a little flip-flop just thinking about it. Even though I’ve had it done before and I know it can’t hurt me, I’m definitely not looking forward to it or that deafening, maddening drill. The dentist is aware of my anxiety issues due to the health problems I’ve had so she already knows to make sure there’s no epinephrine in the Novocain and to chill pill me as well.

Later…

Ok, this has got to be a glitch, so no, Alyssa probably hasn’t seen my messages. She more than likely doesn’t know they’re there or simply ignores them. Both my last two messages appear to have been read the same minute I sent them. No way. Unless she just happened to be sitting there when I sent them… I mean, what are the odds of that? Will send one in the middle of the night sometime and see what happens then.

Went to check Tammy’s message and not only does my last message to her say it was read the minute I sent it, but now Nane’s last message appears as read when I sent it months ago. No wonder. I knew the doctor wouldn’t just take a sudden interest in me. Like I said, though, I’ll send a message in the middle of the night as soon as I’m able to do so and see what happens with that.

MONDAY, MARCH 14, 2016
“I never watch, but I always learn.”

That was what someone told me last night in Dreamland.

We’ve made an average of 11 orders a month on Amazon in the last 6 months, much of it being vitamins, coffee, and necessary household items. Either way, you would think we’d get better service for all our orders, but nope. Lately, they’re failing to deliver things on time and yesterday’s bullshit excuse to deliver my aroma oil diffuser, oils and coffee was that they “attempted to deliver it but was unable to.” What they really meant was, “We didn’t want to go out in the pouring rain.”

I’m sure they pulled “failed delivery attempt” on several people so they didn’t have to make as many stops. It was delivered today, though, and we’ve been given an extra month of AP for free. I love it, too! The color-changing lights are awesome and it’s very easy to use. The frosted cover helps soften the light so it’s soothing instead of harsh and irritating. Should run for about 3 hours, then turn itself off when it’s out of water. I’ve got patchouli going now. Walmart’s version of that fragrance smells a bit weird, but it’s still nice. Ylang-ylang is up next!

We made another order last night. Tom’s getting a new lunch bag for work that’ll allow him to take cold foods so he has more variety for lunch and breaks.

I treated myself to Linda’s Lollies, 24 different flavored lollipops that are only 90 calories and should last a long time. This way I can be eating without really eating and hopefully go a little longer before I actually do eat. Just not longer than 3-4 hours or else I may get dizzy. Root beer float is the only flavor I won’t want, so Tom can have that one.

I also got a Texan bull and a seal on the way.

I grabbed a mocha latte lollipop at Michael’s yesterday, but it tasted like very weak chocolate. I also got a mini journal, a bracelet with clear stones that are super shiny, a mini coloring book that’d be great for traveling, and a couple more animal figures. A decked-out fairy horse, as they call it, and a Jack Russell terrier. Lastly, I got some floral tissue paper that isn’t exactly for noses. The way it was packaged made me think it was, but it’s a bit thick and stiff for that so I’m using them as drink coasters.

I wish every day could be like yesterday. I felt great both physically and mentally and got out and did some fun shopping, even if they were just little things. I don’t need big things to keep me happy. Sometimes it really is those little things that make life fun. Today I feel just fine too, and have been very productive. Got a lot of cleaning done. Tom and I are going to go out walking around the park when he gets home in about an hour.

Today’s weather is a stark contrast to yesterday, and of course they’re right back to their landscaping and other projects around here. Those two white pickups are still going to the corner house working on the water damage (I think) and I wonder how many more weeks they’ll be at it. At least they’re not sawing and working outside like they were. They’re working indoors now, so all I hear is some door slamming. One of them loves to park alongside our carport.

I’m surprised the new people haven’t replaced the plants they had removed. The lady there was cleaning out the garage on Saturday and I have yet to see a man in the picture. Hopefully, that means the garage won’t be used at my expense.

Another thing that keeps life interesting is those little wins. I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before I win big again, but those little wins like the one-year pass to Pandora One that I won always put a smile on my face. I guess this way it’s ad-free and hopefully, I’ll get unlimited song skipping, too.

SUNDAY, MARCH 13, 2016
It’s been raining and windy all night long, but sure enough, the rain is to clear up tomorrow morning and it’ll be bright and sunny all week with temperatures warming into the 70s and noise levels no doubt rising to very annoying proportions.

Decided to get my hair trimmed later on today.

Last night I dreamed I was at some sort of beach resort and was sharing a longish room with double beds with my sister. At least I think it was with her. For some strange reason, my long white dresser was there and I watched someone haul it out of the room and onto the beach, knowing they needed extra “beds” and that someone would sleep on it.

Out on the beach a short while later, I found my dresser set up with the shelves it came with but that I never got. On the very top was a mattress. I spoke to the guy that was to sleep on it and he promised not to damage anything.

Then I was back in the room in a flash where Andy showed up and hugged the hell out of me. It felt good to be hugged by him and to hug him back. I told him that even though he could be an ass at times and I knew I wasn’t perfect either, I still loved him.

A part of me considered reaching out to him in real life, but eh, we’re just too different. We’d only get in some stupid fight over some stupid shit in no time at all.

In the last part of the dream, I was descending a flight of stairs somewhere and could hear water running nearby. My dream self knew Tom was in the shower.

Later…

So Aly emailed me to say she was deactivating on Twitter, and it was kind of funny because I was considering the exact same thing at the moment. Since I don’t know anyone well enough who’s into Twitter regularly, I decided to just shut down and keep note of the highlights in Word. I don’t mean my journal where I write the details, but a file just for the things that stand out.

That wasn’t the only reason I wanted to deactivate. I also wanted to do so to shake Kim. I know it shouldn’t bother me, but the thought of her playing the victim and blocking me from the many accounts she creates still gets to me at times. I feel like I’m letting her play victim, in a sense, by keeping accounts known to her. Facebook I can’t do much about, though. Also, if she one day decides to return to Prosebox if she hasn’t already, she’s going to block me there too, on every account she creates.

This nutjob creates hundreds of accounts, each for some celebrity or another that she’s obsessed with. Weather and celebrities. Those are her obsessions as it was food and celebrities with Andy. At over 300 pounds, though, I’m sure it’s safe to say this one’s a little food-obsessed, too. She’s admitted to being a foodie, and according to Aly, fat doesn’t exist in her twisted mind. Hey, if right and wrong and fact and fiction are all the same, why not body sizes, too? Nothing exists but what isn’t real in her sick mind.

I realize that my nieces are never going to want to interact with me all that often. I thought maybe seeing them face-to-face would change that a bit, but I don’t think anything could really make a difference at this point, and I can’t say I blame them either. I wasn’t there for them for a decade, and well, I’m twice their age and on the other side of the country.

So even though I followed them on Pinterest, they haven’t followed back or “liked” any of my pins. Still don’t hear from them much on Facebook either unless it’s in response to a comment I may make on something of theirs.

shrugs Oh well. We can’t make people be what/who they’re not.

Got my hair trimmed today by an older lady I remembered from my first visit to this particular salon last May. Yes, it’s been 10 months since my hair last saw a pair of scissors. No wonder it got so ratty. I thought it was last November for some reason. Again, my memory is scary-bad at times. Definitely not what it used to be.

Anyway, I didn’t request that she wash my hair first. She simply misted it down with a water bottle.

I also got this expensive, but awesome Paul Mitchell smoothing leave-in conditioner that smells really nice. I love the light oily texture and how you massage it into the hair rather than spray it in. With sprays, I always get it in my face. It’s a perfectly clear-colored gel-like substance that costs $28 but should last a year.

SATURDAY, MARCH 12, 2016
Just sitting here waiting for the early morning hammering to start. Between 7-8:30, I hear a minute or two of hammering, but can’t figure out for the life of me where it’s coming from. I even heard it during yesterday’s rain. My first thought was that it was coming from Bob’s garage, but the door was closed and I couldn’t see any light coming from the window (the light would have been too dim to be working on anything without turning the garage lights on).

Could’ve come from the new people’s garage, but I think I might’ve heard this before they moved in. So… it’s probably Bob. He’s the only one who would do that that often and that early in the morning. He may be a nice guy in most ways, but I still don’t think he cares who he annoys with his 10 million projects. I’m just glad it doesn’t go on and on for hours. Sooner or later, though, the weather’s going to warm up, the garage door is going to be open most of the time, and the hammering and sawing are going to escalate.

I’m also sick of people parking on our corner just outside our carport. It kind of defeats the point of having a corner lot, something I definitely don’t want again if we ever do move.

A truck with the company name Altec was at the new people’s house yesterday and I’m thinking, even in the pouring rain the projects must go on? But they were only there for a few minutes. I ran their name online and found them to be a local communications company of some kind.

Last night I dreamed I was in Andy’s place after he’d moved out of it to wherever. In reality, he’s got flooring over a concrete foundation, but in the dream he had carpet removed from a hardwood floor that had water damage. I could see the dark spots from where the wood had been damaged the most. The planks weren’t long and skinny, though, but more like a foot long by half a foot wide.

Leftover pictures from his celebrity obsession were lying around the place and I thought it sad that he’d never matured enough to realize that celebrities are just people, too. I also found it sad that he was so lonely and miserable that he was so negative on account of it. Then that sadness was replaced with a touch of anger when I remembered how arrogant he could be, his cruel taunts, and the things he refused to take my word for. He was never a true friend, I realized yet again, but remembered the good times and wished him good health and happiness in my mind.

FRIDAY, MARCH 11, 2016
Holly cleaned my teeth and the dentist confirmed a cavity in my back right upper molar. In fact, it’s so big it needs to be crowned… ugh. Fortunately, our dental plan covers 80%, so between that and the time-release fluoride varnish that was put on my teeth, it only came to around $200.

The dentist got a kick out of my latest wins since I started sweeping again. She loves those winning updates.

The new office assistant sold me on one of those ultrasonic essential oil diffusers. She had peppermint oil in the one she had running on her desk. You just add water to it and a stream of scented mist puffs up. The one I ordered has a color-changing LED light in it. It seems like it may do as good a job as incense does of smelling the place up because it continually puts the scent out into the room. Only this shouldn’t leave the messy residue that smoke can leave. With the wax warmers, the scent isn’t “moving,” and after I first change the wax cubes, I no longer really notice the smell. This thing might be easier to clean than the warmers, too. So I ordered a $20 diffuser and a set of 20 oils.

Last night I dreamed we lived somewhere with a huge and long room running alongside the place. It had giant glass windows along the exterior wall, and as I walked down the room I saw Tom scrubbing one of the windows. He grinned at me excitedly, as if he’d just discovered the joy of wiping down windows. A huge fan with fat blades was hanging above by the window.

Then we were on a ship where many people were dressed in costumes with a Christmas theme. One of them tumbled down a ramp and into the water. This seemed to be a fun game for some of them which I assumed were able to get right back onto the ship.

In another dream, I was helping Bob with some kind of project, though I don’t know what, and was both inside and outside his house. Virginia was out somewhere. I passed Jim on the way back to our place.

THURSDAY, MARCH 10, 2016
Slept better last night and feel better today in that I’m less blah. Still flowing heavily, though.

I got the Springfield doll (Alexis) that I won yesterday, and yes, it was just one doll and not the whole set. I figured as much. She’s cute for a freebie.

Got a dentist’s appointment at noon today. This is just a checkup and a cleaning. Really hope it’s not Holly. She never shuts up.

Can’t remember much in the way of dreams other than a quick one where Sarah was styling someone’s hair for some kind of event we were to attend that evening. The person seemed young and to have very long hair.

I was in heels but dressed casually. I complimented the way she did the person’s hair and said that I should probably get dressed and get my makeup on since it was getting late. Sarah nodded and I ran off to wherever I was staying, heels slapping on the concrete along the way.

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 9, 2016
You know that perimenopause thing I’ve been going through? Well, today I’ve definitely got more peri than pause. Both my flow and cramps picked up as I was waking up and I had to take some ibuprofen after suffering a half hour to let my thyroid meds absorb. So I’m cold, crampy and with a toothache. I’m sure there are some hot flashes on the horizon as well.

I see my dentist tomorrow, so I’ll find out if I have any new cavities. I know I have a cracked one that still needs refilling.

Gonna just try to lose myself in reading and writing today.

Where my HR would be annoying high, today it’s unusually low. It’s 73 now, not a number I usually hit while awake. Could that be why I feel so cold? Maybe my period has something to do with it besides the wacky hormones.

Just bracing myself for what project is on today’s agenda at one of the houses around us. I wasn’t too thrilled to find those white pickup trucks back working at the corner house yesterday. I thought they were done over there.

The new people haven’t been a problem yet, but that’s typical of those who’ve just moved in. They need another month or two before they can really be judged either way.

This may be mean of me, but I blocked some people on Prosebox because I’m getting more followers than I care to keep up with. I kept mostly the old-timers that don’t pester me. Not that those I blocked are “pests,” but I had to do some prioritizing of sorts. This way I don’t have to go friends-only or just ignore people and risk hurting their feelings. They shouldn’t know they’ve been blocked. To them, I’ve just simply stopped writing on Prosebox.

Last night’s dreams are sort of hard to describe. First I was doing some printing project and kept coming up with weird shit. Tom had to help me with it. I was also saving journals in emails I might have been trying to print out as well.

In the weird dream, I was lying in a dark room listening to Barry Manilow’s music which he even dedicated to me. The room I was in was at the end of a place that was similar in size and layout to Jesse’s trailer, only on a much larger scale. The bathroom was where I thought Barry was dedicating his songs to me. This room was right outside of the room I was in and the door to the room was open. When the door to where I thought Barry was opened, I called out his name as I saw two shadows move through the darkness and out the door.

Then the lights came on and I saw dozens of people, mostly women, sitting on sofas and chairs. They yawned like they’d just woken up from a nap. Some had dogs by their side. I patted one dog that felt unusually silky soft and asked its owner what kind of dog it was. The woman looked at her other dog and said, “Well, this is a Great Dane…” but never answered my question about the other dog’s breed.

TUESDAY, MARCH 8, 2016
I don’t have anything all that exciting to update on other than the dreams I remember from last night and the shitty weather we’ve been having. It’s been cold, wet, and the greenest it’s been in years.

Oh, and while my period was 9 days late last month, this month it’s a week early. No wonder I started getting slammed with water and boob soreness just a week after my last period. Gone is the predictability and clockwork regularity. So is the pain, too. It’s weird, but I never needed to take anything last month, and so far this month I’m pain-free as well.

“Just like the more I study languages, the more I learn, the longer I live here, the more I learn about the people here at Marbridge.”

That’s what I said in my journal in my dreams last night. Only in the dream, “Marbridge” was a large condo or apartment building I lived in. The Marbridge I know of in real life is the group home where Molly lives.

I realized after posting the entry that I should delete the name so no one would know where I lived.

One of the “neighbors” might have been a large black woman who drove an SUV in which I was in the back seat. She nearly hit a stucco wall, perhaps because she was pissed.

I handwrote in a bag full of journals one by one and then took pictures of them to post online, in another dream.

I was helping Tammy clean her house in yet another dream in preparation for people who were to move in with her and Mark. I was surprised to learn a total of 7 people would soon be living there.

Then it was wintertime and we were at the beach we spent our summers at when I was a child. The cottages were empty since it was cold in Connecticut and during the off-season. It seemed Tom and I had no place else to go, though, so we broke into one so we could escape the streets. I was walking around outside one day and realized I should probably get inside in case anyone came down to check on the area and spotted me.

MONDAY, MARCH 7, 2016
One of the things I love about Prosebox is all the opinions and suggestions people leave me on various things. I love to share and compare thoughts and experiences and gain new insight and ideas for this and that.

I wondered if people would choose fried colored hair over healthy gray hair, and healthy gray hair apparently wins. So I guess it’s probably time to let go of the dye and reach for the scissors. In the next week or two, I’ll get a serious trim. I’m almost 50% gray now, but as much as I hate gray hair, I definitely gotta lay off the dye. My hair looks awful and I kill it enough with the straightening brush, being older, and having a dead thyroid.

It’s pouring again though I expect things to clear up with the sun as it usually does. Might go out walking in the morning if I don’t hit the treadmill while watching my show.

Tried Cherry Cola Tic Tac and I’m not impressed with them at all. It’s funny because I got a mix of “emotional” foods at the grocery store. There’s anti-anxiety food, happy food, and foods to reduce bloating. Dark chocolate is not only a nice treat to have each day so I don’t feel deprived, but it really does seem to be a definite feel-good food. I just have to limit my portions due to high calories and sugar.

I had a dream we bought a three-bedroom house somewhere, and we also got new carpet that was similar in color to what we have here but sculpted. I’m just not sure which house we got it in. We re-carpeted two years ago, so I don’t expect to ever re-carpet this place, even if we were to spend the rest of our lives here.

Also had a strange dream about living in a large hotel. Each room had double beds, and for a while, Tom and I shared a room. But then for some reason, I had to share a room with a young girl in her 20s or so and was worried she wouldn’t want to sleep with my sound machine playing. I asked if that would bother her, and she said it would. Then I asked if she was willing to at least hear it and see if we could agree on a volume and she said that would be okay.

SUNDAY, MARCH 6, 2016
Skipped yesterday’s entry because there wasn’t much to say and I was pretty busy. Except for laundry and grocery shopping, I didn’t do much. I spent most of the day backing up pins from my Pinterest boards.

Anyway, I can’t decide which is uglier, gray hair or fried hair. I definitely need to get my hair at least trimmed if I don’t cut it off completely.

Sipping hot caramel apple cider right now which is surprisingly good. The wind was howling and the rain was coming down in sheets earlier. On the way to and from Walmart, we noticed the mess that the apple blossoms are making throughout the park and Tom commented on how he doesn’t remember so many things blooming in the past. Well, we sure have had a lot of rain for the first time in 4 to 5 years, so that’s probably part of it.

The rain is nice to listen to when I’m relaxing in the dark, but I would prefer this type of weather to be reserved for weekdays to help keep people quieter around here.

Tom plans to go out and trim the yellow African daisies that are outside the front door, but we’re on for thunderstorms over the next couple of days. It would be seriously shitty timing if it rained tomorrow. The guy only has so much time to do his trimming.

At Walmart, I got a beautiful long rainbow pillow that I have absolutely no use for yet couldn’t resist anyway. I guess I’m just a real sucker for colorful rainbows. ;)

I also got a 19” figure of the new Wonder Woman. She’s very realistic-looking with a pretty face and can stand on her own.

Last night I had a dream that we lived in a large apartment building that had about a dozen floors. Fran was not only alive, but he lived in the building as well. He had jet-black hair in the dream instead of the brown hair I remember him to have. Tom was at work when he was at the apartment one day for some reason. Suddenly, I felt uncomfortable alone in his presence and told him that I was expecting company in a few minutes from someone who lived on the eighth floor. He left without incident and then I turned back to doing what I was doing, which seemed to be organizing or arranging something with multiple pieces. Then I realized I didn’t lock the door after Fran left and worried that he might have turned around and snuck back in, but he didn’t.

THURSDAY, MARCH 3, 2016
We ordered Echo Dot from Amazon so now we can have Alexa in both the living/kitchen/dining area as well as in the master bedroom. Sometimes I like to listen to audiobooks while I’m coloring in the living room and other times I like to listen while relaxing in the bedroom. Now I won’t have to take our original Alexa back and forth.

So last night and the night before I was depressed. I understood it was because my hormones still have a ways to go to adjust as they fizzle out with age and not due to something going on in my life, but it was no fun. I wasn’t suicidal and hadn’t been since the economy was at its worst. I also haven’t attempted suicide since my teens.

Always looking for ways to help myself, I had looked up anti-anxiety foods and thought it was time to look up happy foods. Tuna was one of them so I opened a pouch of hickory-smoked tuna, squirted in some light mayo, and munched it down. Unless it was just psychological or something, it really did help perk me up. When I’m down, which fortunately isn’t too often, I lack the energy to do anything, but after eating the tuna I worked out and felt more alive and productive.

Last night I dreamed I was asleep during the daytime and was alone in the house. I came semi-awake at one point and looked toward the doorway of the bedroom. There I saw the silhouette of a man. Then it was suddenly nighttime and I walked through the darkened house and into the kitchen. I looked across the hall and into the laundry room and through the window at a car parked in the driveway of the house across the street. In reality, you can only see the road leading towards the edge of the park from there and not anybody’s driveway. But I could see a car parked in the driveway in the dream and a strange light that flashed for a split second every few seconds or so. Then Tom suddenly appeared and startled me. I opened my mouth to scream but no sound came out.

Then I was walking down the street when I saw a young girl limping barefoot and bloody in the street. She had a head wound and fell to the street. I knew she’d been attacked by someone and I braced myself in case the attacker came after me and I had to defend myself.

Then a girl around her age was present and all I heard was “The only way they’ll release you,” and immediately understood it to mean that while she needed medical attention, there was only one way she would be released from the hospital without question since she was afraid to rat out her attacker.

But then I was suddenly on a bike rather than on foot, and the guy I knew to be the attacker was also there on his own bike. I knew he was wary of me because I was a witness. However, I refused to be scared and was determined to see to it that his macho side stopped with me if he came after me, but I woke up as I was riding away.

The only good dream I had was being in a wonderful relationship with Matthew Gubler, the guy on Criminal Minds. He’s a hottie for a “pretty boy” or a “nerd,” but I’ll stick to my hubby, thank you. :)

A troll named Cindie (if that’s even her real name), is showing a dark side I didn’t know existed. She’s just an online acquaintance who I knew wasn’t all there, but whose worst fault seemed to be being a pest. You just never know who’s going to surprise you with a whole new personality you didn’t know existed within them.

I don’t know much about her other than that she’s got Asperger’s, isn’t all there, and can be a bit of a pest. I’ve unfriended and even blocked her and her cousin Lori at times for butting into Facebook discussions I didn’t feel pertained to them, and just being pests in general.

When I was going through my block list for the first time in quite a while I saw their names and unblocked them, thinking that maybe they’ve changed with time. Dumb assumption to think that these 50-somethings would be much different after a handful of months, though! Lori didn’t bug me as much, but right away Cindie started messaging me like crazy. A week or two ago she suddenly asked me out of the blue if I was upset and wanted to talk yet everything was fine. I didn’t think much of it at the time. So anyway, she ended up giving me her cell number and demanding mine so we could text each other. I politely explained to her that I had no interest in texting since I found it much more convenient to keep in touch with people online, though I do text Aly. Aly, whose latest chemo dose isn’t working, and will soon be taking a medication that’s expensive but has a 97% chance of success.

Anyway, Cindie took my declining to text with her the wrong way and said I was being “cold” to her and that she “wasn’t going to deal with my attitude” and to “watch out” and “later cunt.”

I reported the message and blocked her, not that I expect Facebook to take it seriously at all, and made all past posts for friends only in case she decides to troll me through them. As a couple of people taught me years ago, it’s good to take precautions every now and then. It’s just that a lot of these mentally imbalanced people get really paranoid and even delusional at times, totally believing that people are victimizing them. Hopefully, I won’t hear from her again, but if I do she will have to deal with the consequences depending on what she does. I ignore those I dislike, but I don’t sit back and take it if they force their existence on me either.

Really gives me mixed emotions about dealing with the mentally ill, challenged or whatever you want to call it. I don’t want to turn my back on them as it never helps to shun or ostracize those who can’t help being the way they are, but I also don’t want to deal with their crazy unpredictability either. If someone’s just depressed or a bit anxious, that’s one thing. But those who can’t distinguish right from wrong and fact from fantasy can be hell to deal with. Just utter hell.

Are there any good-looking nuts out there, BTW? Cindie’s ugly as fuck as is Lori as is Molly as is Kim… Speaking of Kim, she never blocked the Twitter account I set up as a test, so no, she’s not watching me regularly like she used to. She only blocks what she sees accidentally through Aly. I disabled the account.

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 2, 2016
Sprung my old Ask accounts to life just to see if Andy reaches out to me, not that I’ll respond. Just curious as to what laughable crap he may come up with.

I was thinking about how shocked he was to find I wasn’t as big as he is when he visited, and while I do, like most people, look bigger in photographs, it really is no surprise from one who expects everyone to think, feel, believe and be just like him.

Was also thinking about the twisted laws here and how I would’ve actually gotten much less time had I physically gone after those that had a hand in setting me up in Arizona than by the mere words they used to set me up with. It’s sad but true, and I don’t get it. I just don’t get it. How can assault be considered a misdemeanor while words can be felonious? Yet had I gone and beat the crap outa those responsible, both directly and not, I’d have likely gotten a slap on the wrist for “simple” assault. As I’ve learned, not just from my case but also from what I read/hear on a regular basis, no one has freedom of speech in America. What we do have is the freedom to express what the vast majority wants to hear.

Just look at the black waitress who wrote “black ppl” on a black customer’s receipt, for example, no doubt to keep track of whose receipts were whose. That’s “news” while the mother who might’ve just smacked her daughter or kicked her son remains as obscure as can be no matter who might’ve tried to get their 15 minutes of fame on the child’s behalf.

We’ve had some great weather, even if it doesn’t bring great sleep. I was anxious yesterday because I worried about waking up hot-flashing with a pounding heart, but I didn’t. I did wake up warm a few times and didn’t sleep nearly as long as I should have, but nothing major happened.

Forced myself to do a little cleaning and maybe I’ll force my ass to the Bowflex soon enough. At least I’m not in the lazy mood I was in yesterday. Yesterday I was just so blah that I was almost depressed. The usual stuff… worrying about ‘what ifs’ I shouldn’t be worrying about.

Had a dream I was watching TV with Tom and Andy. Madonna was on some show and I was saying that I didn’t think Madonna was very pretty and judged her to be about a 6. Then I said I couldn’t believe she married such an ugly old man despite his vivid blue eyes.

Then I had a mix of quick dreams that were pretty senseless… hosing ants off an office wall by a desk. Swatting mosquitoes in the air. Telling Andy, “At least you know where the ocean is.” He chuckled at that one.

Hoodie’s making those strange sounds now. Poor guy’s got respiratory issues in his old age. I’m amazed he’s lasted this long.

Later…

This is the second night in a row I was kind of depressed. I hope this isn’t going to be a new trend for me and that I don’t slip into a well of clinical depression as my aging hormones die off! There may not be any God after me, but it would just be my shit “luck.”

My mind is still taking me places I don’t want to go. It’s almost like being forced to watch a movie I don’t want to see. I see all kinds of horrible possibilities that might await both of us in the future. Why is it so hard for me to live in the moment and quit worrying over what either might not happen or that won’t happen for another 20-something years if it does?

Time keeps jumping around in my mind as I compare my younger self to my current self and what’s easier now vs. what was easier then. I compared my way of thinking and viewing the world and wondered what that might be like years from now.

I still worry about suffering in this life as well as in any possible afterlife, even though an afterlife seems scientifically impossible. I tried to shut it out, but my mind went to every possibility out there.

What if I die first and he’s left all alone with no one to help and care for him when he gets old?

What if his doctor one day announces that he’s terminally ill and we have to die together since I wouldn’t and couldn’t go on without him? Even with all the money, help and rides in the world, the depression would be too much to bear. Just a few years or even a few months left to live after he passed would be like an endless eternity to me.

Or what if the worst possible fate awaits me? What if he’s suddenly and unexpectedly killed with no time to prepare to go together, leaving me with 3 horrible choices… to kill myself on my own and hope I don’t fuck it up, to commit a crime bad enough to ensure I’ll be at least somewhat cared for in a jail, nuthouse or some facility like that, or to hit the streets once I could no longer keep things going on the home front and let that slowly do me in.

The best I can hope for is that we die suddenly in a car crash or something before we get old enough to suffer, but not before my early to mid-70s.

Tom says I don’t have anything going on right now to worry about and so that’s why I’m worrying. I’m sure he’s right. That seems to be the story of my life… I either suffer because something bad is happening, or I suffer because I worry that it will. Still, I don’t want anything to come and rock my world in a bad way, thus giving me a genuine reason to worry.

Sometimes I miss the way I would look at the world and see things when I was half my age. Sure I worried about the future, but it wasn’t in the way that I worry about it now. Like when I was in Valleyhead. My focus was surviving the place and then living to see the day I walked out of there for good. So I was always less than two years ahead of myself in my mind. For the most part, I was, anyway. I just didn’t see the horrible possibilities in the way that I see them now because I hadn’t experienced some of those possibilities to even know they existed. My life was worse than it is now, but I looked at things differently. The newness and the wonder of things and all the many possibilities that lay ahead of me gave me a sense of curiosity and excitement. But now many of those possibilities give me a sense of dread. At my age, you know life is no bowl of cherries. You’re not naive enough to think you can make it anything you want it to be. But when we’re young, we see the good possibilities more so than what could go wrong.

Even the depression I had in 2004 when we had to give up our Oregon land and dream of building a house was different than what I’m feeling right now. I guess it’s just easier when it’s an external and very obvious reason (other than losing a loved one) than when you’re getting old and your hormones are fucking with your mind, cycle and pretty much everything. My life is at its best yet I almost feel like I could burst into tears. :( Tom made the comment the other day about women being moody. Damn right on that one!

I’m always in search of self-help and ways to improve myself. I knew the anti-anxiety foods, and thought it was time to learn the happy foods, and I’ve got one of them. Yeah, I’d say my current mood is definitely tuna-worthy. I can at least try it anyway.

TUESDAY, MARCH 1, 2016
Facebook really needs to stop forcing us to see the “likes” and comments our friends make to their friends. Really. I mean, sure it’s nice that they have block buttons, but it was less than thrilling to see a picture of Bill staring back at me with a happy little smile. Yeah, Sarah “liked” a pic of Daddy Dearest standing next to his present object of abuse (Janet) and I just had to see it till I blocked Janet altogether. It was her new profile pic. Unless the cock has me blocked, it doesn’t do Facebook.

And dying? Looks healthy to me. I didn’t see any frail, haggard, pale, unhealthy dying person. I saw a healthy, fat, well-fed man. I also saw a person who brought out the rage in me with the memories that seeing that cock’s face brings out. That’s no doubt gotta have affected Tammy a bit too, I would think. Then again, I don’t know about that. She seems really confused and unsure of her feelings toward our parents. If she can admit in one breath all the horrible things they did to us, then remember them on Facebook and go to their graves, maybe she’s still got a soft spot for Bill?

Like this girl on Prosebox that always bitches about all the atrocities her mother’s committed, leaving me to wonder why the hell she bothers since she’s an adult. There’s this saying, “We can pick our friends, but we can’t pick our family.” No, we can’t. But we can pick whether or not to pick up our phones and call them, can’t we? I guess that just like some kidnap victims develop Stockholm’s Syndrome, some will always have a place in their hearts for those who have treated them the worst in life.

Well, all I can say is this… I don’t worship, protect, defend or respect anyone that screws me, dead or alive, related or not. Now we can’t undo the past, but we can handle the future differently. A lot differently. If you believe in God, then God help you if you burn us in the future, whoever you may be, cuz not even He will be able to protect you then. :)

About an hour after falling asleep really late last night, I woke up hot as hell, heart pounding fiercely. My Fitbit said it was 112, though online it said it never went over 107. I saw it up to 116 when I got up out of bed to Skype Tom. Although I wasn’t scared, I was wound up enough to need a lorazepam to help me get back to sleep. I remembered the days when I’d go through this without any tools to help me. No lorazepam. No emotional tapping. No understanding of what was going on. Either way, really hope these things don’t become a regular part of my life again. I’ve been sleeping so much better and with less waking up along the way, and would really like to keep it that way.

Been feeling kind of borderline today. Maybe I’ll so go listen to the book I’m finishing up, Wanton Regard. Lying in the dark listening helps relax me.

Sent a message to the people I won the set of dolls from, but don’t expect to hear back, much less get the dolls, even though we are listed as a winner on their site.

I also stopped all tweet sweeps. I’m not going to help promote them at my expense. Why clutter my account unless I’m going to actually get something for it?