June 2015 in 2010s

TUESDAY, JUNE 30, 2015
Woke up feeling kind of congested. I hope it’s nothing to worry about. It could be the cat, but more likely I’m getting carried away with the incense again. It’s not like I’m burning it like crazy, but this incense is incredibly strong.

This cat can no longer have access to the other bedroom when I am asleep because she woke me up by banging against the wall. I know she’s been going on the kitchen counters when I’m not around to see it because I find things on the floor when I get up.

I’m glad it didn’t get as hot as they predicted for today. It’s still over 100° which is good for the pool, but it should cool down enough tonight for me to go on a bike ride at around midnight. If it’s over 85° I’ll just run on my treadmill indoors. Camp NaNoWriMo starts at midnight tonight, so I should probably have my workout completed by then.

We’re going swimming at 6 o’clock this evening instead of 5 o’clock. Lately, every time we go the damn water aerobics class is going on. We can still swim around the deep end, and it’s better than having screaming brats there, but I still prefer it when there are fewer people to have to swim around.

It’s amazing how many old ladies have tats even though tattoos have been around for a long time.

I can’t swear to it, but I think the aerobics instructor might be the lady on the other side of the circle who used to leave her dog out round-the-clock, a definite no-no here. There is also a huge trailer that is constantly parked on the street in which I believe her daughter and two granddaughters might be living. The dog seems to have disappeared, but I always suspected that somebody living there might be somehow affiliated with the park staff in order to be getting away with shit like that. No one under 47 should be living here unless it’s a visit for no more than two weeks. I just never said anything because they’re on the other side of the circle and the only time I hear the kids is when they come around on their bikes and that isn’t very often at all, thank goodness. If I can’t hear it inside my home on a regular basis, then I don’t say anything.

Retirement communities have definitely changed over the years. Had I even thought of blasting music in the park my parents lived in in the late 80s, I probably would have gotten kicked out immediately. Here, you can run loud power tools and you can blast music all day as long as it’s in the daytime.

I finally put up the long-stemmed pink flower stickers in the bathroom, and it is amazing what a splash of color a few stickers can add to a room! I will take pictures but not until I get the mini mural of the window looking out into the forest.

I was originally going to do two short stories that were about 25,000 words each. I am now thinking of three stories, each being around 17,000 words long. I decided to make a story out of that wacky dream I had a few nights ago where a woman finds another woman in her basement and threatens her husband if she doesn’t let her sleep there and service her at night. So yes, this one will be rather X-rated. Realistically, one would call the police as soon as she left, so I will need to think of something she has over her to blackmail her with. I have other particulars to work out as well like how the hell she was able to get into the basement, and do I want to go with a ghost that only she sees, or should she be a real person? I will probably make her real but we will see as the story progresses. I thought of actually linking the three stories together somehow, like making it a series.

I saw a documentary last night on the Amityville Horror house that many believe to be haunted because of the family that was murdered there. The next family to live there fled without taking their belongings. People of various fields explained how we can sometimes manifest our fears, and that if you expect, even in the back of your mind, for certain things to happen, you up the chances of them actually happening. I believe that was the case with the Lutz family. I believe that they believe it was haunted, though.

Personally, I’m not sure if I believe in ghosts and devils any more than I believe in gods and angels. However, many things happened in our Maricopa house that suggested the land might have been haunted since the house was brand new at the time, and if I hadn’t had first-hand experience with dream premonitions and a few other things, I would probably not know what to believe as far as psychics go.

Still, my guess is that it wasn’t haunted. The Lutz family did admit that some things that were depicted in the book and movie never happened (there was no “red room”), and all the families that lived there after them said it wasn’t haunted at all. Mr. Lutz claimed he was “pinned” to his bed one night, but as a doctor explained, our brains paralyze our bodies so that we don’t act out our dreams. Occasionally, we can wake up before our brains release our bodies. This sort of happened to me recently.

I think society in general simply has a fierce need to believe. Every dream MUST have a meaning. Every blessing MUST be because something up there just loves them. Every curse MUST be because something up there hates them. Every event MUST be for a reason.

Maybe they’re right. But maybe they’re also wrong.

MONDAY, JUNE 29, 2015
I created another account on Prosebox based on a character from my upcoming book, got bored with it after two days, and deleted the journal but not the account. Besides, I’m going to be too busy with Camp NaNoWriMo to be playing pretend games. I was mostly curious to see if that account would get more traffic than my real one, and it might have a little bit. The younger people are more popular, especially if they write about sex and dating and all that shit. With the kind of code that the site supports, I couldn’t always tell which account my viewers were going to.

This park sure does love to piss me off at times. I got up at noon and went to pee and found that the water had been off earlier because of the way the pipes were spitting air at first. Then when I went to run dishes I couldn’t get the damn dishwasher working. All it would do was spit out air. I tried restarting it but that didn’t help. Finally fed up, I called the office and spoke to a guy named Larry. He was really nice about it, but I thought that the 10-hour outage we recently had was supposed to be so they could finally fix things once and for all. Well, he said it was, but they had another one of their little “emergencies,” and he said the water wasn’t off long. It doesn’t matter how long it was off. Even if it’s only off for a minute, that still fills the pipes with air. I informed him that if my husband was unable to fix the dishwasher, they WILL reimburse us the costs, but I was able to get it going after I let it sit there a while doing nothing.

I put Hoodie in the ball last night, and just when I thought he was actually going to walk around the thing, he does the same thing… just sits there and pisses and shits. As for Simone, the little shit has hidden the tub drain plug somewhere. She sure was funny after I got back from my bike ride last night. I got some music going on my old phone, set the egg timer for 15 minutes and placed it in my basket, then went out riding shortly after 9pm. It was gorgeous out! I nearly ran over a skunk that was crossing the other side of the circle and I thought, “Oh shit, it’s going to spray me once it passes and its ass is facing me because that’s where the spray comes from.” But it didn’t. I saw a documentary on them once and they will actually only spray as a very last resort, like if you are totally in their faces. What was funny was how Simone was oh so happy to see me when I got back, like she hadn’t seen me in years.

I had a dream about Dorene and a young Arsenio Hall. Dorene was a fellow VH sister I never met because she was there after I was. We were Facebook friends until she eventually misunderstood a comment I made and dumped me. I didn’t mind because I was tired of hearing how oh-so-horrible blacks supposedly still have it today (she was mulatto) as if it were still 1930 or something. Well, we’ll see how “awful” things still are for them when the black teen charged with assaulting a white teen and her three-year-old cousin in Texas isn’t charged with the hate crime that it was and is given little more than a slap on the wrist. Meanwhile, those of us with common sense know that had the colors been swapped, she would be charged with a hate crime and would get at least a few months. For reasons I’ll never understand, some violent offenses actually receive less time than some petty nonviolent offenses. So if she were white, where she probably should have gotten a year, she would probably get 60 to 90 days. But the little terror is black. I doubt she’ll even do a week. The only thing that may cause her to do a little more time than most her color would get these days is the three-year-old.

Anyway, in the dream, Dorene and Arsenio were on some social site (I don’t know which one) and I was watching their comments in the news feed. Dorene’s comments were as negative as they usually were in real life, and Arsenio, who seemed to be some type of moderator, asked her what was with all the comments on corrupt cops lately.

Then I was standing on a rocky cliff by the sea watching the sunset and then my Romeo and Sugar ratties were alive again, though barely. They were both in a large room in some house where there were also small kittens and puppies as well as little kids. After a while, I went to retrieve them and bring them back to their cage. I found Romeo right away, but I searched and searched for Sugar and could not find him. I looked under a tiny bed in which a toddler lay napping underneath it on the floor. When I finally found him he was emaciated and appeared to be very dehydrated.

For some reason, the cage was in my parents’ room (why do these abusers always come back to life in my dreams?) and it was now nighttime. As I approached the door with Sugar, I could see that they were still up by the light that was seeping out from underneath their door. I entered the room, and as I placed Sugar in his cage next to Romeo, I said, ”If you believe in prayer, pray for him.” LOL, Nothing I would say in real life since I know prayer is just wishful thinking.

SUNDAY, JUNE 28, 2015
Tom’s been enjoying a leisurely 58th birthday. Yesterday evening we rode our bikes 2.5 miles and it felt great. Not surprisingly, my pulse was at 130 when we got back and his was at 95. Now if I can just get past Monday without any thyrotoxic showdowns, I should definitely never have to worry about being on this dose. I’d say I’m virtually there, as the days leading up to when the trouble started, I was short of breath and jittery. I don’t have that now.

When I was out riding early in the morning last week, I saw a tractor digging a grave over in the cemetery somewhere between 100-200 feet away. So someone has come to live with the people in the hill who live by the people in the park. I call them the People in the Hill because the cemetery is on a hillside of sorts.

Simone is now up to 6.8 pounds, so she’s now close to average. I read that average is between 7-10 pounds.

We went to Target earlier where we both had fun shopping even though he’s the birthday boy. It was hot out, slightly humid, and there were tons of screaming brats. Whatever happened to the “Careers Over Kids” thing? It’s always fun to go out hunting for treats either way, and it’s nice to be able to get things we want and not just what we need. For a while, though, we couldn’t even get what we needed.

I got a black spaghetti-strapped sundress that’s formfitting up top and loose from the waist down, and a small hot pink purse with a matching strap and gold chains that is probably the nicest looking purse or handbag I ever had.

When I inspected myself in the mirror wearing the new dress I wondered how I got so out of proportion. It’s like my skinny little calves don’t go with the rest of my body, LOL.

I also got some Burt’s Bees lip shimmer in apricot.

He got an iPhone holder that you attach to your bike so that you can see it while you’re riding. This will make using the exercise app a little easier. He also got some tools to mount on the wall of the workshop and some chips.

Then we went to Michael’s, which is a craft and home décor store that I love because they tend to have more unique things. Wish they’d had tons of shiny and glittery stuff back in the ’90s when I first started going there!

I ended up getting these delicate little flower stickers. There were two purple crocuses and a couple of pink flowers of some kind. I put the pink ones in the kitchen window and the purple ones on the corners of the medicine cabinet’s mirrored door.

I also got shiny gem stickers to decorate our boring matte green singing bird clock frame with. I took some pictures, which I shared on a few sites. I’ve changed the way I save pictures on my computer. Some pictures like nail pictures and pet pictures will go in a file specifically for that, but for the most part, everything I took in 2015 will go in one file.

What else did I get… some Hawaiian incense as well as some lavender incense, and a chocolate bar.

My dreams were stranger than strange last night. Tom and I were living in a house much like you would find back east… bedrooms upstairs, basement downstairs. I went down to the basement to do laundry and I discovered a woman sleeping down there. She pulled out a gun and told me that if I didn’t let her sleep there at night and if I didn’t service her sexually while she was there, all the while keeping her presence a secret, she would go upstairs and shoot Tom. She said she would only be there at night, and I wondered how the hell she was getting in.

One day she held me at gunpoint for a while down there when I realized I could no longer take her shit in silence because I believed it was only a matter of time before she killed me. I had to alert Tom and get us both out of the house until she could be caught and jailed.

I suddenly decided, for some bizarre reason, that the way to freedom was up this old rickety wooden ladder. So when she wasn’t looking I climbed up and then started to walk out onto this wooden plank. Afraid the plank wouldn’t hold my weight, I doubled back and realized I had to figure out a new means of escape from the madwoman.

Before I could come up with a new plan, we moved. I was sure we had been both quick and discreet about it, but just when I felt safe and comfortable in our new home, there she was.

SATURDAY, JUNE 27, 2015
Tom and the motormouth are taking a rest now. Yes, the motormouth is the cat, LOL. She’s less clingy, but she is still quite vocal. I guess it’s normal for young cats to be noisy. Unless she’s sleeping, she’s meowing. I am glad that I kept this cat as I’ve become quite attached to her even if she may always have her annoying moments. I was so not used to having a cat that I literally contemplated calling Carol to take her back, but what stopped me was knowing how Tom fell in love with her right away and all the money we invested. It took me nearly a month to adapt to having her around, but even I can get used to big changes, believe it or not.

The critter balls were $50 wasted. All the rats do in them is just sit, pissed and shit. :( I don’t know why they won’t walk around in them and enjoy their freedom this way, safe from the cat. They’re not even afraid of the cat, though. They will walk up to the side of their cage as she approaches, and if she gets too close they will nip her on the nose. She knows better than to stick her nose or paws too close to their cage.

I’m making Parmesan pork chops right now, which was a very simple recipe to follow, and that’s about it for today. I just wonder why it’s so much cooler today. It was 105° yesterday and the sun was shining. Today it’s 20° cooler, breezy and partly cloudy.

Later…

I read about this subject in someone else’s journal and thought it would make for a good writing prompt. Well, if there’s one annoying human trait I have found in some people over the years, it’s those who automatically reflect their feelings onto you and assume that because they feel a certain way about something, you do too. Sometimes they forget that they’re them and we’re us, and we don’t always share their beliefs, opinions, tastes, dreams, desires or emotions. I’ve noticed this automatic assumption thing mostly with negative subjects. If they have little saved up, so do I. If they hate chicken, so do I. If they hate ’70s music, so do I. If they hate being fat, so do I. If they hate the color purple, so do I. If they’re depressed, so am I. If they want to be famous, so do I. If they’re jealous of hotties, so am I.

Well, I have more than a little saved up if not as much as I’d like, I love chicken, I love 70s music (though I’m sick of it), I don’t mind being fat now that I’m older and not looking for anyone, I like the color purple, I’m not depressed, I don’t want to be famous, and I’m not jealous these days either. Oh, I can get envious at times, all right. Of course I’d be green with envy if my neighbor won millions of dollars. But this middle-aged fatty isn’t jealous of those 20-something skinnies out there just because most people my age might be. Youth is usually thin. Middle age is usually heavy. I know and accept this. That doesn’t mean, however, that I’ll ever stop eating smart most days and working out. I love being in shape and knowing I’m healthy regardless of what the scale says. Hashimoto’s may prevent you from losing more than a few pounds that just keep returning, but it will never stop you from exercising and choosing grapes to snack on instead of Snickers.

Tom is trimming his hair now with his trimmer. He loved the pork chops but I didn’t like how they didn’t come out crispy on the outsides. Next time I need to up the heat and use a shallower pan.

FRIDAY, JUNE 26, 2015
I checked Skype, checked my email, checked my blogs, checked my social sites… then wow, just wow! Marriage equality is now legal in ALL states! It’s about fucking time. It’s just sad that it took so long for society and the law to do the right thing, but part of that is because everyone was so focused on giving to blacks for so long and showering them with more rights than anyone else has ever had that the gays got ignored. Put all your energy into favoring one group and you tend to neglect others.

I know few others want to see it, but I still feel like gays are on the bottom, whites are in the middle, and blacks are on top, and that shouldn’t be. Gays still get shit on more than anybody else in society. Whites can’t have a White History Month or a white anything without being called racist. Blacks are still usually exempt from hate crimes and playing the race card to their advantage. Not right. Things are definitely better, but I don’t know that I would go so far as to say things are “equal” just yet.

Gays still get fired just for being gay because it’s an easy form of discrimination that is very hard to prove. Unless you can record your boss actually saying that they’re canning you for being gay, there’s little to nothing you can do about it.

Also, if a black person decided to attack me in the name of hate, I would want them charged with the hate crime that it was and I would want them given the SAME sentence that whites get for their hate crimes.

The only thing I’m a little concerned with is most states overturning the ruling and banning it. I’m not big on politics, though, so I don’t really know how this works. I only know that they’ve had their rights jerked around in the past and so I worry about that happening in the future.

Later…

Every now and then when I log into the Ask account I used to keep in touch with Andy, up pops a box saying that I violated the TOS and if I do it again my account will be suspended. Every time this happens, I am left to wonder what in the world it was I could have possibly said to violate the TOS. Finally fed up enough with the threats, I contacted them and said, “I may swear every now and then same as everybody else, but that’s as far as I go, I can’t imagine what I’m doing wrong, I’m sick of your threats, so if you’re going to suspend me why don’t you just do it and get it over with?”

Anyway, the idiots reply asking for my username, email address the account is set up under, how long I’ve had the account, and some other stuff, and I’m thinking to myself, “You’ve got to be kidding. Are these people really that dumb?”

I opted not to bother replying to them if they’re going to be too stupid to figure that out on their own. Some of that information was on the form I filled out. If that’s not enough, fine, let them suspend my account. They’re not the only site on the web.

This cat has been here a month yet she has suddenly decided some things she never paid much attention to, if any at all, is suddenly oh so important. She didn’t pay much attention to this little furry mouse of hers, but lately, she has been carrying it around the house with her. There’s also a small raised circle on the refrigerator and lately, she just loves to jump up and try to grab it.

My heart didn’t race me awake last night and I even had some fun dreams for a change. Tom and I were in the process of buying a houseboat in Hawaii.

I also told a woman to fill a rubber glove with water, freeze it, and shove the fingers up her ass. How did I get so cleverly creative in my dreams? Really, that’s what I call creative dreaming.

The only negative dream was where somebody gave me a Taser, only it was a long stick so that you didn’t have to get close to the person in order to zap them. Some woman started to threaten another woman that I knew and I wanted to zap the bitch to protect her, only I didn’t know which end of the stick was the proper end to jolt her with. Fortunately, the woman stormed off before I could figure it out.

I wonder if my niece Becky is gay. She seems to be quite a supporter of GLBT rights, “likes” most of my pro-gay posts almost as much as Andy and a few others do, and well, she does kind of have the look even though her hair is long. I’ve also never heard her talk about guys, dating, boyfriends, etc. I heard Sarah once mention her “future husband,” and hoping to run into hot guys in the laundry room of their apartment complex, but I don’t hear this from Becky. I know that recently Sarah spent the night out and joked about how Becky scolded her when she came in the following morning because she was worried about her.

Sarah may manage to get some every now and then because guys are easy, but I think both of them, especially Becky, are going to have a hard time getting a man as I did trying to get a woman because of their weight and appearance. Sarah’s face is fine, but poor Becky is pretty ugly. Both of them are huge as hell.

Going premium on TIP has proven not to be very exciting after all. I was wondering if I would suddenly see visitors close to me that had disabled cookies so I wouldn’t be onto them, but nope. Looks like my first guess was correct after all: no one local is reading me. I like how I can hide the tracker, but it’s not worth paying seven bucks a month to do that. Also, if I suddenly noticed someone new, how would I know if they’d been coming in regularly with cookies disabled, or if they were simply new? I’m mostly interested in local visitors suddenly appearing, but so far… nothing.

THURSDAY, JUNE 25, 2015
I just changed the rats’ cage and thought I’d do a blog entry before I finish cleaning. Two hours into my sleep my heart raced me awake like it would when I was on Prozac. I’ve been fine since I’ve been up, and again, my TSH score was too high to be medication-induced anxiety.

Tom thinks it could’ve been any number of things… being out in the sun yesterday… Being excited about the new monitor… getting extra sleep because I have no appointments in the near future. We also read that menopause can cause it. I have been going back and forth in my mind trying to decide whether or not menopause is setting in. I still think it’s starting to. There’s no way I’m going to get a period on the 30th as scheduled. I simply don’t have enough PMS symptoms.

I hate to rush summer along because it’s my favorite season, but part of me wishes I could make it July 10th. That would not only mark two years in this house, but I would also be past the six-week marker that I encountered trouble with my present dose a year ago.

I went to remove the gel polish I recently got that’s temperature color changing and OMG! I can’t get the shit to budge. It doesn’t come off like regular polish. Even my other gel polishes can be removed easily enough. Not this stuff, though. With this stuff, you have to file it to scuff the surface area a bit. Then you have to soak each finger in acetone remover for seven minutes before sloughing it off with an orange stick. Had I known that, I never would’ve gotten the stuff for I am not that patient a person. If I don’t have the patience for stupid people that just can’t catch on fast enough, or for immature people, why would I have the patience for this?

I had a dream I was at my dentist’s office, only she had a private windowless waiting room with a table in the middle of it. She also added a pet store where I got a Hermit crab. The dream gave me a good idea because I placed the crab in one of those plastic balls that rodents used to run around in, and I thought maybe the rats could go in that and have their freedom without risking harm from the cat. Not sure they would like that, though, because they’re so used to running around loose.

Later…

Had a half-hour chat with my sister. She described her new house and the area it’s in and it sounds like heaven. I am glad that she has this to look forward to because she is still not very healthy.

Sure enough, she’s having problems with these Puerto Ricans above her who recently moved in. I knew she would, especially being in a low-income complex. She said everybody else has been wonderful to them, but not these people. She wouldn’t get into exactly what the problem was or what was being done about it, but it supposedly has to do with the Puerto Ricans thinking that they complained on them. Well, Tammy certainly has complained on people before… a number of times. But it doesn’t involve me and so it doesn’t matter. She’s almost out of there anyway.

Anyway, she asked that I don’t post this personal information in public, but she got a hell of a deal compared to us. You know we always get the short end of the stick, not that this isn’t a beautiful house in a beautiful park and that Florida isn’t a lot cheaper than California. Our space rent, which includes trash and everything, is over $800. She will pay just $550 for everything. Her house is not only 300 more square feet bigger, not that we need the extra space, but it’s a 2006 model she’s getting for just 40K. I envy her space rent and how new her place is! The only things I didn’t like that she told me was that she’s right across from the clubhouse and her park is not gated.

No wonder she’s never shown up on my visitor list. It isn’t that she disables cookies, it’s that she either uses her phone or her Kindle HD.

Thank goodness I am shitty with numbers/counting. It wasn’t 6 weeks into the first time I was on this dose that I ran into trouble, it was 10 weeks. I started on April 28th and the shit hit the fan on July 9th. Thank goodness I keep a journal too, so I could look this up. Well, the 10-week marker for this time around isn’t July 3rd like I thought, it’s Saturday. So glad Tom will be home that day, even if I still think I’ll be ok! I practically cried tears of relief at this realization. His birthday is Sunday, so will be swimming and I’m going to be cooking for him.

Anyway, July 9th is definitely the 1-year anniversary that the shit hit the fan because it was one day before we’d been in the house for one year. My old therapist said with PTSD it’s common to have some unwanted flashbacks on the first anniversary. Yeah, I know. Heard that before, been there before, etc., but I will distract myself with all kinds of things that day.

Life is otherwise wonderful. I just sometimes wish I were closer to family and friends. I know I could go out and make new friends here, but it really wouldn’t be the same, would it? The best of friends are made by accident. Just like looking for love doesn’t usually work, deliberately trying to make friends doesn’t usually work either. At least not for me. Good friends don’t usually come by effort or force, but because fate threw you together. This doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with trying to intentionally make friends; it’s just not something I have had much luck with in the past, not that I’ve put any effort into it for many years. The older I get, the busier I get, and the less I have the time or desire to socialize. The Internet also changes things in many ways. We can tell each other the same things online at our own convenience that we can face to face.

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 24, 2015
I now have a premium subscription on TIP and I’m waiting to see what I can’t see. Figures my sister has to get a house right when I go premium because she will be the perfect test as soon as she gets a chance to check in. This level not only lets me hide my tracking icon, but it is supposed to expose visitors who have their cookies turned off, and Tammy is one of those visitors.

I find it rather ironic that as soon as the guy stops allowing anonymous comments on my-diary, the few nasty comments I would get here and there suddenly disappear. Are people that gutless that they can’t speak their minds without hiding behind a mask of anonymity? What’s sadder is that they weren’t always as anonymous as they might like to think they were there or on Ask, and I know that some of them were people I’m actually quite close to. Jealousy? A deep-seated hatred I don’t know about? Just playing around for shits and giggles? I guess only they can know the answer to that, but I don’t hold it against them. We all play “pranks” of this nature every now and then regardless of our reasons for it.

Very happy for my sis who is trying to close in a week and get into her new 2006 home. Damn, that is one young house! The only time I ever lived in anything newer was when we had our custom-made manufactured home in 1999, and the apartment I had in 1991 in S. Deerfield, MA was pretty modern, built in 1990. Everything after that has been ’80s and older, usually older. I think I have spent most of my time living in things built in the 50s. I was actually amazed and thrilled to get a 1983 place. That’s like brand spanking new for us, LOL.

It’s a big house she’s got. Second largest in the park, she said, at over 1600 sq. ft. Ours is something like 1340, but that is more than we need even though we have a lot of stuff. The most we ever had was a little over 2100, and the least we had since being together was 500, and the smallest I had before we met was a 400 sq. ft. studio. 1000 to 1500 is ideal for us. Her dog is probably going to love having all that extra space to run around in. Simone and I love to run up and down the hallway. Maybe that’s why my weight is down.

My metabolism seems to have speeded up a bit more, but rather than be exciting this is a bit scary as I reach the timeframe in which this dosage backfired on me a year ago. From a logical standpoint, I still shouldn’t have any problems with a TSH score of 8.35, but it’s still a bit nerve-racking. Both my weight and appetite suddenly dropped and while I certainly can’t complain, I just hope it isn’t a sign of trouble ahead.

The singing bird clock is working well and it’s nice to have. Some of the birds sound nicer than others, Of course. As soon as one starts chirping Simone glances at it with curiosity and delight.

Fräulein Feline has been here one month as of today. I have come to really love this cat even if she can still be annoying at times.

What is that with the toilet naps lately? She still has her usual favorite spots to nap in… her perch, the couch, the bed… but lately she seems to really like the memory foam bathmat as well as right by the toilet. Sometimes I have to use the other toilet, LOL.

Didn’t sleep too well last night. At first I woke up too warm and had to get up and kick the AC on, then I had dreams of fire. It was nighttime when Tom and I were driving out of the park. He slowed down and looked in the rearview mirror and asked, “Is that fire I see?”

I quickly glanced back and asked, ”Are we on fire?” thinking the back of the car was on fire or something.

“No, they are,” he said, and then I could see 3 people heading toward a house. I rolled down my window to see if I could smell smoke and heard a woman say, “Their lights are on.”

In another dream, I won a trip to Singapore but was able to change it to Hawaii in which I was accompanied by Paula of all people (I still can’t believe she dumped me simply because I told her two weeks was too long to stay here, though stranger things have happened in life). We were eating in the airport restaurant when I hugged her and said, “You didn’t think I could stay mad at you for that long, did you?” In reality, the only way back into my life is with a sincere apology and Paula doesn’t do that sort of thing. This may be a rather cruel way of describing it, but I treat people like milk. If they go bad, they get dumped. And if I was the one to get dumped like I was in this case, you better give me a damn good reason to let you back into my life if you’ve already kicked me out of it once.

So they announced that our flight was boarding. Paula jumped up from the table and quickly headed to where our plane was. At that instant, I noticed a lot of our stuff was scattered on the table and I quickly tried to gather as much of it up as I could. Finally giving up on the few things that were left on the table, I headed off and then it hit me that I had no idea where to go. Panic welled up within me and I woke up screaming, “No!”

In the last dream, I was at my endo’s office, though it looked very different. Doc O was behind a long counter doing something when Tom mentioned that his ear might be infected again. I told him we would start putting a mixture of peroxide and alcohol in his ear. Then I told him that Paula and I were headed to Australia in the dream I had the night before.

A fake but very realistic-looking cat suddenly appeared in my hand, as did these three dogs that were roaming about. I dropped the cat onto the floor and the dogs licked at it, seeming to believe it was real.

Later…

I am officially in bifocals only now! Oh, how wonderful it is to be able to wear just those. Of course I’d rather wear nothing at all, but since my days of perfect vision are long gone, getting a 32” monitor and pushing it to the back of the desk is something I wish I had done a long time ago. With the 19” monitor that I had real close to me, I had to wear my single visions which meant that if I looked across the room or out the window, everything was blurry. I like being able to see both near and far.

Love the way music sounds on this thing instead of the tinny sound on the laptop.

Today was running and swimming day and tomorrow is strength training and biking. I’ll go riding at night. It’s going to be 105° tomorrow, so I will definitely want to wait as late as possible.

The pool was surprisingly chilly and crowded today. There were about five ladies in it with a few more arriving for water aerobics as we left.

TUESDAY, JUNE 23, 2015
Just thought I would do an entry while Simone plays in the box my new chair came in.

I am very happy and excited for my sister and my BIL because they finally got a new home! Can’t wait to see pictures of the place.

I rode my bike a mile this morning and it really got my heart pumping. I think this was caused more by the sun than anything else. Even though it wasn’t that warm at the time, the sun seemed so strong for some reason. I try not to overdo it because I am so pale that I burn very easily. This way I get some exercise and I get a little sun and a little color and that’s it. No burns, blisters, peeling or sun poisoning. I would much rather be white as a ghost than make myself uncomfortable.

I felt slightly anxious for a few minutes afterward, but quickly calmed my pulse by deep breathing and reminding myself that everything was okay. I think that because a certain nasty anniversary is coming up it’s making me a little nervous. Most therapists say to expect flashbacks when you hit that first anniversary of anything traumatic or scary or sad in any way. Well, July 9th of last year was definitely the most terrifying day of my life and I will definitely be doing all I can to distract myself on that day. NaNoWriMo will be going on, so that will help.

It isn’t just the anniversary of the heart-pounding thyroid pocket flares that has me on edge, but I am coming up to that six-week marker in which the trouble first began last year. This would be July 2 or 3. I haven’t had any racy hearts or shortness of breath like I did leading up to it, but I have had a little congestion lately. I woke up at 3 AM last night and I almost felt short of breath. Still, I wish I could stop looking at clocks and calendars. It’s like, tick-tock, it’s getting closer…

I followed up with Dr. A online as instructed and updated her on my last visit to Dr. O, though I would think they confer with each other, and let her know that I have still been feeling well but would contact them if I had any problems. You bet I will too, though I would certainly rather not have to.

In my dreams last night, Tom went back and forth between existing and not existing in my life. It was weird. First Tammy was driving us somewhere, probably to her house, and she wanted me to move in with her and Mark since I was alone. I told her that I would probably be single for the rest of my life because I was getting older. She seemed to take this observation as a refusal of her offer, and I suddenly felt a tinge of guilt at the thought of her thinking I didn’t appreciate her generous offer. I wasn’t sure we would get along because we were so different, but also realized that things do change.

Then I was at a hair salon and some guy took me back to his station to trim my hair. I suddenly remembered that my current thyroid medication dosage was making it grow like a weed and how I wanted to let it grow for a year and then have it chemically straightened. Not wanting to tell the stylist that I changed my mind, I told him to hang on a minute while I went out and got something from my car at which time I simply jogged home.

Next thing I know I’m asleep in my outdoor “bedroom” after listening to vinyl records on an old fashion record player. Through the darkness, I could see a large dog walking by and I told myself that if I remained still it shouldn’t attack, but it did. I started screaming for my dad who was supposedly in the next room, but it was Tom who came running. Then Tom and I were either at the police station or in court where I promised to kill the dog if proper action wasn’t taken, something I would never say or do of course, LOL.

MONDAY, JUNE 22, 2015
I’ve been watching the series Locked Up Abroad, and OMG! Some of the prisons overseas make the worst jails and prisons in the US seem like total country clubs. And I thought we had some insane, twisted, and unfair laws here? God help gays in some of these countries!

After doing a little test with my bifocals placing myself about 40 inches away from our 43-inch TV and determining that I could focus on the text in my doc file that I displayed on it, I decided to get a bigger monitor so that I don’t have to have my 19-inch monitor so close to me in which I need my reading glasses for. My goal is to be able to wear nothing but bifocals. I hate how everything off in the distance is blurry as it is with my single-vision lenses. I’m now at the point where I can’t see near or far, though I am still definitely more farsighted. I have a very deep desk and so I got a 32-inch monitor, which I will push towards the back of it. It’s actually an LED TV since monitors that size aren’t in demand and therefore they cost a lot more than the $250 this TV is going to cost. It will be here on Wednesday.

I also got a singing bird wall clock and a couple more temperature color-changing nail polishes.

One of the things I really love about watching prison documentaries is knowing that with a simple click of my mouse, I am no longer there. Unlike the inmates that live there, I can leave anytime I want. I’m always just a click away from escape. Watching these things also makes me more grateful for the freedom in which I have.

SUNDAY, JUNE 21, 2015
I heard Simone messing with the toilet brush that sits on its base behind the toilet and went into the bathroom to shoo her away from it when I saw her tormenting a huge spider. The thing was fast, fat, big, and creepy. I was hoping she’d kill it but all she wanted to do was play with it. I finally backed her off, shot it with Raid, then flushed it down the toilet.

Time to hunt for the bug plug. The master bath seems to be a hot spot for spiders, so I’ll plug that thing in that’s supposed to emit a frequency that humans can’t hear but that annoys spiders.

Love my new temperature color-changing nail polish! The warmer areas are pink and the cooler areas are purple. You definitely have to have long nails otherwise the entire nail will be pink unless you run it under cold water. I’m going to also order pearl to pink and yellow to green.

Last night I had a dream that took place in my childhood home. My parents were alive and so were my grandparents. Something had just happened to me where I had recently been through some type of ordeal be it physical or emotional or both. I was staying at the house with my parents and I was in the little room next to theirs that was my room before my siblings left home.

I slept on and off during the night, aware that my parents were up all night taking care of what I think was my mother’s parents. I heard her tell them that soon they would be at the airport and on their way home, which was a little weird since they lived next door.

I later woke up with a nightmare and went into my parents’ bedroom. They were still awake. My dad was lying on his side facing the window, and my mother was propped up facing me. I told them that zombies had chased me in my dreams. Neither one had a sympathetic response to that. Instead, my mother complained that they were tired and had to catch some sleep before they left later on. I asked if they were going on vacation and Mom said, “No, we’re moving.”

“What do I do?” I asked.

“You just stay here and relax,” my mother said.

SATURDAY, JUNE 20, 2015
This entry might be boring because all I have to update on are dreams. I was in Hawaii in one of them and was a bit sad because it was almost time to leave. I thought of how I hadn’t seen one bee or wasp during the entire time. A gust of wind picked up as I was walking and the thin layer of clouds that flew overhead seemed to move unusually fast.

It had rained hard earlier, leaving a puddle of water deeper than it appeared. As I went to walk through it, I expected it to cover no more than the soles of my feet, but the water was up to my ankles. In my hand, I carried one of my very first handwritten journals (which no longer exists today) and I accidentally dropped it in the water.

Then I was watching a movie that Mary was in. I didn’t seem to know Tom. Next, a man in his 50s or so that I knew liked me and that I seemed to like in return, came into the room and said I was number one again. I knew that “number one” meant that something about me was trending on the Internet. Even though I knew it was something negative, I didn’t give a shit.

The guy then asked me to move in with him and I said, “Please tell me your place is not an apartment and that there are no houses huddling close by and you have lots of space around you.”

He said, “Actually, I’m staying with somebody right now while I have a house built. Then you can have your space around you.”

I asked him how many bedrooms the house had and he first said three and then he said five, LOL. Then he asked me to marry him because he wanted someone to get his possessions when he died.

FRIDAY, JUNE 19, 2015
They wanted to admit my sister to the hospital yesterday but she resisted partly because of Mark’s foot injury and also to apply for another house they’re interested in. She’s afraid to get her hopes up after the last letdown, understandably. They’re both taking it easy and resting up as they know that once it’s a go, things will be very hectic. Yes, Tom and I remember how it was!

Hopefully, this will be it for them and hopefully, her health will improve so they can both get on with their lives with a little less drama.

Speaking of drama, I’ve reached the “critical” point. Yesterday marks two months on my current dose and I’m hoping for no drama of my own to return to haunt me. The nightmares began 2.5 months into it the last time I was on this dose, so I’ll really breathe a lot easier if I can just get past that point. July 9th was when it happened so I’ll be trying to distract myself with more pleasant things on that day. Hopefully, I won’t be bombarded with the unpleasant memories of how terrified I was that day, not knowing if I would live or die.

Got a lot to do today. Gotta do the laundry, make up the grocery list, go for my run, prep this year’s Nano project some more, and other things. I already got my language studies out of the way.

Later…

I had many detailed dreams last night, one of which was a nightmare. Some crazy chick was sure she “lost” something in my belly button and was trying to gouge it out. I couldn’t get away because 2 or 3 people were holding me down. I was stuck in this nightmare screaming “No!” for what seemed like quite a while before I suddenly came awake, heart pounding in my chest. Guess it sometimes takes time for the chemical that holds us paralyzed during dreams to keep us from acting them out to release us from its grip.

Then a lady cop with long dark hair went searching through my stuff. She was mostly interested in my computer for some reason (a picture?). I said something like, “I thought you cops used the Internet for business during the daytime and then used it for fun at night.”

She must’ve found something she didn’t like because I had to do a month in some jail that didn’t look like a jail. I complained on the phone to Tom that there were 5 weeks that month and that I refused to do any probation afterward if any was required.

The “jail” was mostly one big room where we all slept on the floor in sleeping bags. There was a huge swimming pool that was too cold and had no shallow end. I had a small wire-bound notebook with a plain white cover in which I kept my daily journal. When it went missing I started to panic, then realized I wouldn’t be able to write until I was out of there since no one could be trusted. Some other “inmates” as well as myself began to tear up some of the sleeping bags in search of it, and then someone found the notebook in the bathroom. Relief flooded through me and I vowed to be more careful with it for the rest of my time there.

Then I was finally home, but “home” was back in Phoenix when the huge Mormon family lived next to us. All the homeschooled kids would drive me crazy playing right outside our windows all day, screaming up a storm.

It was early morning when I heard an insanely loud vehicle start up in their driveway, which ran alongside our house and theirs just a few feet from where I sat. I went into the other room where Tom sat reading the paper and asked him what that was all about. He said the parents were aging fast and couldn’t handle all those children on their own so they hired help to take a few kids out at a time throughout the day.

I stepped up to the window and saw an old beat-up dark yellow pickup with some scruffy-looking guy behind the wheel as he revved the loud engine to warm it up. “Great,” I said. “Now they let someone with a really loud truck move in with them.”

Later…

I’m thinking of trying TIPs lower premium level for $7 for just one month to see what it’s like. Supposedly it will enable me to see cookieless visitors and hide the tracker icon. I have wondered how many people on Prosebox have shied away from me because of the tracker. I also didn’t want to set up a second account with the visible tracker because I’m the only one that I know of that has that.

I unfriended Jessie because I never hear from her. I’m very picky about who I’m connected to on Facebook. Like a lot of people, if I don’t hear from you every now and then, then why stay connected?

Doc O seems to play slots around lunchtime, so maybe she does work full-time and she just plays on her lunch break. According to Google Analytics as well as TIP, there haven’t been any California visits to my main blog since I saw her, so I would say that unless she’s got cookies disabled, she’s not reading me. Gotta admit that if it was me, I would be curious to see if I wrote about our visit. I’m okay with her lack of curiosity, however, because then I don’t feel like I have to watch everything I say. I’m still somewhat cautious, but not overly.

Paula should get my letter today. I almost wish I could be a fly on the wall watching her while she read it, LOL. It will be interesting to see if I get any texts about it, but I would guess that I won’t. Paula’s the kind that either ignores you or she beats the shit out of you. She doesn’t do revenge. Then again, I never thought she would dump me because I told her to shorten her trip, so we will see.

Later…

Eight hours after getting up, everything I needed to do was done. After I write, proofread, and publish this I can have fun prepping the short stories I plan to do for July’s NaNoWriMo project.

Again I have that sharp cramp-like pain I get every now and then in the very lower right side of my stomach. I think it’s too low to be a hernia from working out as Andy wondered, though I did do a kickass ab routine yesterday when I didn’t have the proper energy for it. I suspect I have a little cyst on my ovary. I’ve gotten this every 1-4 months for years now. It usually only lasts a day. I would think it might be a gas pocket in the intestines if it didn’t happen whenever I was mid-cycle.

Another theory is that the wall of the ovary might be a bit thick. This might cause pain if the egg was trying to squeeze through it. Ovulation doesn’t make sense this month, though, because I had this last month and we’re supposed to switch sides every month. So if my left ovary ovulated last month then it should be the right side’s turn this month to spit out an egg. It’s minor compared to other things I’ve dealt with. Annoying but short-term. If it weren’t short-term my next guess would be a UT infection in which we’re supposed to drink lots of cranberry juice if you suspect you might have that.

Yesterday’s bike ride in the middle of the night was fun. It may be harder to see then, but I love how there’s no traffic, people or turkeys blocking the road. All I heard was this mutt go off at the edge of the park. This was in the mainstream where dogs are lawn ornaments and not pets.

Tomorrow we plan to finish the painting once and for all. Both bathrooms still need painting. It’s going to be a bit of a bitch because we have to do around the toilets and make sure we don’t hit the shower surrounds. Also, we’re only replacing the floor in one bathroom.

The next home improvement project will be to replace these big toilets, and then replace the kitchen and laundry room floors. This should take place this year. Eventually, we will replace all the appliances but the refrigerator. They replaced that before we moved in here. If we wanted to we could get it all done in less than a month since we have tons of credit, but we have decided to save the credit for emergencies like if the AC/heating unit crapped out or the roof, car or hot water tank went to hell. The most expensive crisis/upgrade we could have would definitely be that roof. He wouldn’t do it himself like he did in Phoenix, though. We would just hire someone to do it.

THURSDAY, JUNE 18, 2015
My endo appointment went WAY better than expected! She is my hero and I will always be grateful to her for helping me get back to myself, even if she was just doing her job.

While I am excited for myself, I’m worried for my sister. Yesterday morning she said she might be admitted to the hospital because she wasn’t responding to her allergy shots. Not sure how allergies alone could land a person in the hospital, so they must have been complicating something else along the way. I’m waiting for an update, wherever she is. Her life in Florida hasn’t been any better than it was in Connecticut. At least she doesn’t get snowed on there. We’re all hoping she’ll be enjoying her new home if not better health soon enough. I just wish she would get off the damn cigarettes. I understand that only she can do that in her own time and only if she truly wants to, but it sure would make a world of difference. I should know!

So my endo was late, as usual, and dealing with the traffic and the valet parking was a bitch as well. The waiting room, which is for several doctors, was more crowded than I’ve ever seen it before. I was pissed that I forgot my smartphone because someone’s brat was screaming on and off.

When the doctor first came in, she said hello and asked how I was doing. I told her I was doing great and she said something to the effect of, “That’s not what I’ve been hearing this morning.” At first I thought she was saying A told her I wasn’t doing well, but then it quickly registered that she was talking about patients she’d seen earlier. It seems endocrinologists also deal with diabetic patients as well.

She too, cut her hair, though a little shorter than mine. She also seemed to look and sound 10 years younger. Maybe feeling better makes the world and the people in it appear younger? She’s still my hero either way.

I’m guessing she only sees patients in the mornings because she plays games on Facebook in the afternoons. By noon she had hit the slots.

Anyway, I totally expected her to want to push me up to 100 mcg and to practically have to beg and plead with her to please give me more time to enjoy the bliss I have been enjoying for not even two months before I go worrying about pocket flares and having to feel anxious every time Tom leaves the house and I’m alone with my heart to take me on whatever kind of joy ride it might feel like taking me on.

Instead, she both surprised and delighted me by informing me that I was 90% there. Yes! She said she might want to nudge me up to 88 mcg in the future, but for now, anything under 10 (different places use different measuring systems) isn’t dangerous. Also, just when I thought I’d finally learned it all, I learned that my thyroid is about as dead as it’s ever going to get. I thought once the thyroid came under attack, the antibodies continued the attack until the gland was 100% dead, but not necessarily. This means that 75 mcg could very well be my proper dose for the rest of my life. Because I’m slightly over 4.50, my level has room to fluctuate either way without throwing me into the hyper range and messing me up the way it did before. She said she’s not convinced the pocket flares were 100% responsible for the severe anxiety I experienced, but I pretty much am, knowing what’s normal for me and what’s not. We may never fully know what did what for sure, but I’d say it’s a pretty damn good guess that 75 mcg was too much for me at the time. I was in the normal range a year ago, so it wouldn’t have taken much to flip me from hypo to hyper.

She mentioned my weight being stable. I realize that I’ll never lose more than the 5 pounds I’ve lost unless I damn near starve myself, though I’m ok with staying in the 140s. I look a lot lighter than I am due to being muscular, and this is obviously the weight my body feels comfortable at. If you diet and exercise without change, then that usually means your body has found its natural comfort zone so long as nothing’s wrong. So for the sake of setting realistic goals, mine is to never go over 150 pounds.

She listened to my heart and lungs, checked for trembling, and did a symptom check with me. I let her know that my hair was thickening up and growing faster, my skin was less dry, and that I was sleeping better and not experiencing any anxiety. She asked if I felt cold at all, but I don’t unless it’s cold out and I’m inadequately dressed. I definitely don’t miss that cold feeling and always having to pee. The brain fog and dizziness got old, too.

On the way out I thanked her for not giving up on me and she said she never gives up on anyone. It was definitely a long and sometimes scary road to get to where I’m at now, but I’m just glad I finally got here after a year and a half! The disease might be simple enough to treat, but getting your proper dose figured out can be a real bitch.

After we waited forever for the valet people to bring us our shiny Caddy, we went to Jack-n-the-Box for burgers and fries and then headed home. Because I was so excited at the good news the doc gave me, and knowing I would be appointment-free for over a month (my pulse was elevated for a while at just over 100), I suddenly felt exhausted and crashed early. I won’t see her again till September 21st.

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 17, 2015
My dreams had been escaping my memory for days, but I remember a few bits and pieces from last night… placing cans of cat food in a kitchen cabinet that looked nothing like ours, Tammy driving us somewhere, and I think I might have visited Andy, and had a dream pertaining to one or more of my doctors/medication. Can’t swear to that last one, though. I’m seeing my endo today, so that’s been on my mind.

My weight might appear to be up a pound or two because my new shoes are the heaviest pair I own. I don’t care, though. They’re super comfy and I love them.

Yesterday was the first day I didn’t have doubts about Simone, though she did get a little vocal at the end of the day. She’s been a little vocal tonight as well, but as long as I feel more like we have a cat than a child, all is well. Oh, what fun shower time has come to be for her, LOL. She just loves standing outside of that frosted glass door “beating up” on water droplets sliding down the inside of it.

I don’t know why, and I really hope it’s just because I’m paranoid when it comes to anybody with any type of authority, even if Dr. A is hardly an authority figure compared to some others I’ve dealt with, but I’ve had a bad feeling about her ever since I last saw her. I’ve just got this nagging feeling, though I can’t put my finger on it. Looking at it logically, there’s no reason I should feel this way. I’m not a minor, I’m not in custody, I haven’t harmed myself, and I haven’t harmed anybody else.

I wonder how she’s going to react if the shrink agrees I don’t need daily medication. If she really did use the word dissociation, could she have meant that I was trying to disassociate myself from the trauma of what happened? That makes no sense either because I have always been ready, willing, and able to address the issue.

Right now, though, she’s not my concern. Dr. O is my concern. I just don’t want to do anything so soon after feeling so good after so long. It hasn’t even been two months. Let me live in peace a little longer!

Paula should get her letter on Friday or Saturday. It will be interesting to see if I get any nasty texts, but I will just ignore anything that comes in.

TUESDAY, JUNE 16, 2015
My final letter to Paula will be going out today since that will be easier for her to read, and postal mail is more reliable than texts anyway. Just wanted to get some things off my chest regarding her selfishness and stupidity, then I can move on… without her. Truthfully, though, she’s the one that dumped me first so it’s not like it’s not mutual.
It’s Paula’s way or it’s no way, and I’ve had it with her shit. I haven’t gotten any texts from her since I tried to explain that it wasn’t that we didn’t want to see her, but that two weeks was simply too long given our situation. She just doesn’t get how bored she would be when I was on nights. That’s okay, though. I don’t need people like her in my life. Selfish or not, I don’t expect my friends to be geniuses. After all, I’m no genius myself. But dealing with those rocking the retard zone really does get old after a while. I think I deserve better than that in life. I wouldn’t befriend Paula if I were meeting her today because I no longer have such low standards for myself as I did 30 years ago. These days I expect a little more than someone who only thinks of themselves, and that just can’t catch on to the simplest of things, and that takes everything the wrong way.

Filled out a survey on the counselor I saw in April, and also the intake paperwork for the shrink I’m to see next month. All the while I was trying not to get pissed off at the stupidity of it all. The counselor I can understand to help deal with the PTSD and all that, but this shrink is nothing but a waste of time and money. I KNOW what caused the anxiety. I TOLD them what caused the anxiety. Now if we could just keep my thyroid numbers where they’re supposed to be – or close enough – then there shouldn’t be any more problems.

So how did Simone get to be so well-behaved? She’s not meowing up a storm and she’s only underfoot a little bit tonight. She was having fun trying to “catch” droplets of water dripping down the shower door from the outside. The grass I grew her is really cool, but she doesn’t seem overly excited about it.

I gotta start mapping out my story plots some more in preparation for July’s Camp NaNoWriMo. I want to do a trio of short stories.

MONDAY, JUNE 15, 2015
Happy 21st anniversary to us! Can’t say when we’ll be going to the casino with our busy schedules, but I can say that we had some fun at Walmart yesterday morning. We didn’t get any groceries at all. Just concentrated on the fun side of the store.

He got himself a nice plastic toolbox with compartments for the things he uses most that are related to electronics. He looked in several departments but since we’re pretty much up to date on our computers and electronic equipment, there wasn’t anything else he really wanted. You know how guys are anyway; they aren’t into shopping like us women are.

I got some incense, scented wax cubes, and a couple of sets of sheets, one in deep magenta and the other in purple.

I also got a pair of black leggings and a gorgeous pair of shiny silver wedge sandals with a nearly 3” heel. They’re a size 3 in girls. They’re cheaper and even more comfortable than the pair I just got at Payless which I probably wouldn’t have gotten had I known I was going to get these, but that’s okay. I have obviously become a shoe fanatic. I can’t believe how many pairs I now own, though most women would probably not consider it much.

I just never thought to get girls’ shoes till recently as small as I am. They have brighter colors and they also don’t have something I hate… spiked heels. Wedge heels are easier to walk in than spikes, and I don’t like anything over 3 inches high anyway. I’ll never buy women’s shoes again! 5.5 is a hard size to find anyway.

Still have mixed feelings about Simone. If she could get out from underfoot, shut up, and quit the love bites that don’t feel very loving, she would be a better cat. Maybe someday I will get to feel more like I have a pet instead of a little kid. At least she is fun and affectionate, never misses her litter box, and never does her nails where she shouldn’t.

I grew her some grass in a small container but it’s not tall enough yet. Tom picked it up last week. I guess cats like nibbling on grass.

Anyway, dear hubby has to work today, unfortunately, but we’ll make it to the casino one of these days soon.

SATURDAY, JUNE 13, 2015
This cat has a 100-dollar perch yet insists on stealing my new chair. What’s up with that? I’m sitting on the very edge of it now, LOL.

I’ll eventually post pictures of her playing with her newest toy on both Twitter and Facebook. It’s a moving feather wand; only it’s raised above the ground and has a 15-minute timer, which is nice.

sighs contently I am just so happy and so much more relaxed now. :) Other than the scare I had last year, I don’t know why life’s being so good to me any more than I know why it shit on me so bad between 2007 and 2011. I may not be rich and I may not live on a nice boat in Hawaii, or anywhere in Hawaii for that matter, but I otherwise seem to have it all. I have a beautiful home, pets I love even if they drive me crazy at times, more material things than I need, and most importantly, good health and true love forever by my side.

The only ”negative” in my life right now is Paula, and even that I hardly consider negative because I’m just as okay with not having anything to do with selfish people as I am okay with having plenty to do with not-so-selfish people.

Paula has always been notorious for having a selfish streak, but this goes beyond anything I’ve ever known her to behave in the 30 years that I’ve known her. To assume you can just crash at somebody’s place for two whole weeks is a bit much. Hell, that’s half a month! I would be a little more okay with it if I didn’t have an unpredictable schedule, and Tom didn’t work so much overtime. When I tried to explain this to her and encourage her to shorten the visit, she took it wrong and got all pissed off. I don’t think she got pissed just because she’s selfish, but also because she’s just not smart enough to understand that it isn’t that I wouldn’t like her to visit, it’s simply that two weeks is too long.

So she sends me a card thanking me for being a friend and now she doesn’t want anything to do with me because I can’t house and feed her for two whole weeks because of our busy, hectic schedules.

Okay then. Bueno bye.

Seriously, she has always been like Mary where she expects everything to be done for her. Everything. I don’t understand why she has spent her life on disability. Yes, she is slow and she has serious learning disabilities, but she can keep a schedule and there’s no reason she can’t do simple, menial jobs on account of her not being very teachable, is there? Regardless, it’s either her way or no way and that to me isn’t a true friend. If this is going to be her attitude, then she can continue ignoring me.

I am asked a variety of questions on a few different sites, and I was recently asked my take on jealousy, which I thought would make for a good writing prompt. It’s pretty pointless. Don’t waste your time with it if you’re an adult. I can see being jealous as kids, and God knows I was. I would be jealous of those with really long hair because my mother wouldn’t let me grow mine that long. I was jealous of those with non-abusive mothers, and the list goes on and on.

As an adult, however, we have more freedom. I could never get a better mother, but I could grow my hair and do many things I was forbidden to do as a child. I can see being envious at times as an adult (I envy those who live in Maui), but jealousy seems pointless because if somebody has something you want, you can usually get it yourself if you try hard enough. No, no one can have it all, but for every advantage someone has over us, there are always advantages we have over them. As I have learned, things balance out nicely as long as you’re not comparing the living conditions of someone in prison with someone living in a luxurious mansion.

Later…

Good evening. :-) Tom was bragging that the new router we just got is 80 times faster than the one we had in Auburn, but I’m not sure I see a difference. I know it will make the backup to the Time Machine go faster.

Found a way to uncover more visitors to my main blog on Blogger, which is the first one you would find if you looked me up, and wow! I had no idea I had such traffic! I would say they’re probably real people too, because bots usually make a lot of hits really fast. Most of these are just a few page views at a time. As big as the state of California is, I thought it was one of the states I got the least visitors from. I thought wrong. I actually get the most views from here from all over the state, most being around my area as well as the LA area. I have no idea who they are, of course, but it definitely comes as quite a surprise even though it shouldn’t since it is the most populous state in the US after all. Can’t help but wonder if any of them are people I know or have spoken to at some point or another, but I’m guessing they’re not. Most of them probably Googled something and happened to hit my blog. After all, I also get a lot of views from Texas and New York and I don’t know that many people there, so I think it’s the size of the state and how populated it is that determines the number of visits.

Going to Walmart early in the morning and none of it is going to have to do with food shopping. It’s all going to be just fun, fun, fun. They gave him a gift card at work, plus we got credit from the savings site that has to be used at Walmart only, so we might as well live it up.

FRIDAY, JUNE 12, 2015
Exciting news! My blood test results were posted online and my T3 and T4 are normal! My TSH is almost normal at 8.35. Normal is 0.40-4.50 so I’m close! This is much better than I expected. I was a bit worried for a while there, so this makes me feel a lot better. My cholesterol is almost certainly back to normal too, I would think.

A year ago 75 mcg brought me to normal and then probably to hyper when I had pocket flares, so my thyroid is definitely deader now - yes! The deader, the more stable we can get the dosage with less risk of problems for me. Sure hope so anyway.

I feel WONDERFUL compared to a few months ago. My symptoms are now very minimal. I still get a bit lightheaded at times, but I don’t know if my thyroid is responsible for that. I’m taking vitamins with iron now and that seems to help. Still a little puffy but what hypo isn’t? My skin and hair aren’t so dry anymore and I am surprised to find that they are growing faster. The only time my hair grew slowly was when it was short. When it hits the middle of my back it speeds up and then once it drops below my waist it flies. Well, it’s flying at my shoulders, so now that it’s thicker, healthier, and moving at breakneck speed, I think I’ll give it a year to grow and then get it straightened at least once. If I don’t then I’ll always be curious about it, and Tom has told me numerous times that any time I want to go to the salon, just say the word.

I’m hoping the doctor will be okay with me leaving my dose alone for a while. We not only just got a refill, but I haven’t even had two months of bliss and I want to enjoy this good feeling without having to worry about anything else for a while. Since learning that there is a dosage (88 mcgs) between 75 and 100, I’m also hoping that the next time I do go up, we can try 88 before jumping to 100. Maybe 100 will never be necessary, but if my thyroid isn’t completely dead yet, then it probably will be necessary someday.

I asked Tom if he felt it was wrong of A to want me to see the shrink on account of last year’s trauma, and he said naw. Unnecessary perhaps, but not wrong. He says it’s like going to a doctor and complaining of chest pain. Well, it’s not wrong to be cautious if they send you to a cardiologist even though you believe it’s because of asthma or something like that.

THURSDAY, JUNE 11, 2015
I was thinking more about my visit with Dr. A, and there was just something about the way she squinted at me in a skeptical manner that I found a bit disturbing.

She still thinks there’s more to my anxiety than just the levothyroxine. It seems that no matter what I tell her or any other doctor, they look for other reasons. They believe there are other reasons. The levothyroxine was never 100% responsible but I still think it was mostly responsible. That time when I needed to take the beta-blocker was probably due to anxiety independent of the levothyroxine, and yes, there are other things that can make me a little anxious. Just thinking of my upcoming appointment with O makes me a little anxious.

When I first got up my pulse seemed a little elevated and a little hard, and just a little while ago I felt a little breathless. I’m sure there are other things besides the medication, but I still worry about the stuff becoming a problem again in the future.

I also could have sworn that Dr. A mentioned something about dissociation. I thought the word she used was dissociative or dissociation, but Tom said she never said that. He said she mentioned exposing people who have phobias to what they’re afraid of little by little, which I clearly remember, but for some reason, I thought she also used one of those words. Gosh, I hope not! Because all I could come up with connected to that is DID (dissociative identity disorder). In other words, that’s a form of MPD (multiple personality disorder).

Now, those who know me know I’m just ONE person and ONE person only. I don’t pretend to be a variety of different people to suit my present mood. I don’t believe in that shit, and to me, it’s just another fancy label and something for shrinks to play around with and even make money off of in some cases. I would really love to see these doctors’ private notes on me because when I say I don’t give a shit what others think that does not extend to my doctors. Again, when you’re dealing with those who have your health in their hands, you could be in a lot of trouble if they get the wrong idea.

I know this sounds awfully paranoid but I couldn’t help but remember this movie that Victoria Principal was in. I saw it about 20 years ago. Now Doc A & O hardly seem the type to try to make somebody into the nut job they’re not and push them into funny farms for the sake of insurance scams, but you just never know. Sure did give me a good story idea, either way.

Part of me wishes we recorded our conversation because then we could just play it back if we wanted to. I agree with Tom, though, because for her to say that makes absolutely no sense at all. That’s not only something a psychiatrist is supposed to decide and diagnose but of all the things people have mistakenly thought I was, a split personality hasn’t been one of them.

Did some more digging on Doc A. That’s just what I do as an amateur detective and being the curious person that I am. Oh no, wait. According to the state of Arizona, I’m no detective; I’m a stalker, right?

Her middle name is Libertad, LOL. That means liberty. Also, she’s been at it for 12 years and not 4 like I thought. That explains the scattered strands of gray hair I never noticed before. So she’s probably closer to 40, not 30. Checked out her reviews and one person complained that she doesn’t do well with older patients. Couldn’t find a Facebook profile on her and I’m not surprised. She just doesn’t seem like the social networking type.

Later…

“Political correctness is destroying the very fabric of society. Never before in history have people been so afraid to stand up against absurdity for fear of being labeled a racist, a homophobe, or a bigot. Get rid of political correctness. Let’s get people talking again.”

I couldn’t agree with the above statement more. The question is when are people actually going to do something about it? I’m all for freedom of expression and the right to be ourselves. This doesn’t mean we should make threats, call people names or be rude, but I’m sick of all the pussies out there where political correctness is concerned! People take something, run with it, and then get carried away to the point of utter obsession.

Well, if I’ve got something to say, I’m going to say it! I make no apologies whatsoever for any people I may not like any more than I would for the foods and types of music I might not like. Being open and honest doesn’t mean we have to share every single thing on our minds, it just means people shouldn’t have to feel obligated to kiss ass on account of other people’s fragile little eggshell feelings! To stifle expression because others are overly sensitive, can’t handle things, take things wrong, blow things out of proportion, etc. is like telling a woman she can’t wear sexy clothes simply because some guys can’t handle/control their damn hormones.

It was another hot and dry day out there. I’m not going out walking/running till later. I did some strength training videos indoors earlier. Did a quick thigh and butt vid. Maybe an ab vid is in order next since it’s still too warm out. I wasn’t going to go out till late tonight. Thought I’d do 2-3 rounds around the block when it’s cooler and the traffic and people have settled down.

Paula was asking how much a round-trip ticket out here would cost and that she wanted to visit for two weeks. When I told her I would look into it but that two weeks would be a bit much for us with my crazy schedule and his working so much, she apparently took it wrong and told me, “Sorry I asked. Forget it.”

Well, if that’s going to be her attitude she can shove a pound of jalapeños up her ass.

Later…

Although I can’t do anything on the schedule that I’m currently on, I have been very tempted to call Carol and tell her to take Simone back because she is just too spastic. I cannot do a damn thing unless she’s asleep or shut up in another room because she is constantly underfoot. The constant meowing may not be as annoying as landscaping and barking, but it does get old.

Then I considered asking if we could trade her in for an older, calmer cat that is more independent. I have never had a cat like this that was in constant, constant need of attention. She may lose energy with age, but I think she is who she is and she’s not going to change. She’s not going to get out of my hair and she’s not going to shut up.

The only thing that makes me hesitant to get rid of her is that Tom has really come to love her, and we’ve already spent hundreds of dollars on supplies. Tom once again brought up the idea of adding a second cat that would hopefully deter her attention so that she feels less alone when neither of us is around, and hopefully, she will also be less clingy. Hmm… that could definitely make things better, but it could also double the trouble and cause me to really be sorry, so I don’t know.

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 10, 2015
Never before do I remember having a cat, or temporarily taking care of a cat, that stunk as bad as Simone does. Not Sasha, Not Shadow, not Shiny, and not the cat that belonged to a friend of Tom’s that we took in temporarily when we lived in Arizona so that it could lose weight. It was an older couple with several cats and this one was a fatty. The only time I remember it getting smelly was when they were in the process of taking a dump. But Simone smells a lot of the time; even after the box has been cleaned. We’ve been using that clumping litter and then the Cat Genie, which is supposed to seal the poop in an airtight container.

The day I can figure out how to keep this cat calm for more than 20 minutes at a time will be the day I can figure out why the Prozac thought I was a kid (it’s usually only young people that it backfires on in the way it did with me) and why I have a part Bostonian accent even though I’m from western MA. Sometimes I wish we’d gotten a shy, quiet cat who preferred to be independent and left alone most of the time and wasn’t so damn vocal. Actually, it isn’t her energy I have a problem with. I don’t care if she wants to run up and down the place. It’s her getting underfoot and whining that gets to me at times. She does a better job of inconveniencing and distracting me than anything else, but we do have our fun, cuddly moments.

Tom read some tips and pointers on over-meowing (not that she’s always meowing a lot) and they say that if it gets to be too much, the best way to condition them is to softly say, “Be quiet.” If that doesn’t work you want to clap loudly. If that still doesn’t hit home, then it’s time to break out the number one recommended weapon – the spray bottle.

I got a kick out of it earlier when Tom told me that he hisses at her when she starts to bite his legs or feet and she stops instantly, LOL. Gotta try that myself next time.

When he is really tired he does not like her in the bedroom at night, which means that if she gets too underfoot when I’m up late I can still remove her by putting her in the laundry room, but she will meow and meow like crazy at the door. On nights that he doesn’t mind her joining him, even though he knows he’s likely to be woken up a few times along the way by her, I can close the laundry room door and she will remain quiet.

Life with Simone is both fun and crazy. Sometimes she’s cuddling with me and purring away and other times she’s driving me batty and I feel like I have a kid. Well, sometimes I miss being childless, as we all need a little alone time here and there. In fact, I’m taking some right now just so I can write this entry in peace. I am only able to do things when she’s sleeping, and this cat is too young to be sleeping all that much.

I am now sitting in my new chair and have given him my old chair. It will take a little getting used to but I think I like it. I like how it’s lighter, quieter (the other one makes a popping sound and you swear it just broke), and it rocks back and forth. On the downside, the material is a bit rough, and because I am short my elbows hit the armrests.

It was funny in the store when Tom had a scab on his leg that was bleeding a bit, and after I gave him a tissue to wipe it with I said, “I’m not taking that back.” This was when we were checking out the chairs. I looked at a nearby desk and I jokingly said, “Why don’t you put it in that drawer?” LOL

TUESDAY, JUNE 9, 2015
Decided now’s a good time to write while Simone isn’t making her mad dash up and down the place or meowing up a storm. Last night I had to put her in the other room just to watch a movie! I played with her and wore her out a bit, but coming home to a spastic cat after dealing with doctors for hours, wasn’t so fun. We were trying to unpack the packages we got and OMG! She just had to get in the way of everything! She’s entertaining herself behind my chair right now, but I’m sure she’ll go crazy soon enough. I realize she may have separation issues, but I also don’t want to spoil her with too much attention either. If she can learn a little independence and that she can’t always depend on us, then maybe she’ll calm down a bit. She still young, though, so she’s going to be somewhat wound up for a while.

I was in and out of the ear specialist super fast. No screaming brats, no long wait. The doctor was surprisingly young for a specialist, but it seems most doctors are getting younger these days… unless I’m just getting older. ;)

She told me what I pretty much expected she would tell me; there isn’t anything that can be done about the chronic pain in my fake ear canal. As she said… the more procedures I have, the more problems I have due to scarring, nerve damage, and other issues. She cleaned the canal, but I just gotta deal with it and oil it every other day to keep the wax and dead skin soft that it can’t shed on its own till she can clean it out periodically. I’ll see her again in two months.

Boston and PHX may not have known I’d later have problems in life thanks to their “procedures,” but had I had a mother who loved and accepted me as I am, imperfections and all, I wouldn’t be dealing with this shit today. Appearance was everything to that bitch. Everything. It was either a perfect daughter or no daughter at all, and when that daughter just couldn’t be the perfect little angel she wanted, both physically and personality-wise, she shipped her off to strangers, because hey, they were the “experts,” right?

So after the ENT doc, it was off to see Blake, the vamp. I was pissed to learn I fasted for no reason. They only had an order for a TSH test, not cholesterol. Made up for it at McDonald’s afterward with a burger and fries.

Having time to kill between appointments, we picked the nearest stores that appealed to us and the first was a Payless shoe store. There I got an adorable pair of sandals with a 2-inch wedge heel for less than $20 that was on sale. They’re girls’ shoes in 3.5 and I love how the strap has Velcro instead of those annoying little buckles.

We also stopped at Staples where I got a new chair. I’ll be giving Tom the one I’ve been using for the last few years because it’s a very heavy chair that supports big guys like him. It was nice to know we could afford the $300 chairs just as easily as we could the $50 chairs. Hasn’t always been that way in life. Without paying attention to price, the one I personally found most comfortable was $50. There was a really nice expensive leather chair that was comfortable too, but I’m not a fan of leather, especially in the winter months. Leather is just too cold. If we move to Hawaii or Florida where it’s always warm, then maybe I’ll get that chair, but for now, I really like my new black fabric chair. The material isn’t as coarse and woolly as the one I’ve been using in which I placed a satiny leopard-patterned cover over.

Later…

I told my PCP that my anxiety has been nonexistent for nearly 2 months now and that I would like it to stay that way, but as she reminded me, my TSH is probably going to be too high and my endo is probably going to want me on a higher dose of levothyroxine. She said she could see that the idea of going up higher makes me anxious just thinking about it. LOL, damn right after what I’ve been through! I still don’t think she understands that I come off as naturally high-strung even when I don’t feel anxious and all is well in life, but oh well. I tried.

She said (as did an online friend) that since my body is now used to the medication, I shouldn’t have problems going up to 100 mcg, think positive, try not to worry, etc.

She believes that due to the trauma I went through last year I have a case of PTSD. Yeah, I know. I figured as much months ago. I mean it’s just rather obvious. She still thinks there’s a chance I may need to take daily anxiety medication like say if going to a higher dose of thyroid meds makes me anxious. But wouldn’t it make more sense just to lower the dose instead of taking psych pills? I understand, as she said, that levothyroxine is a very safe drug, but everybody’s got their limit with any drug I would think, safe or not.

She doesn’t think my only issue is the levothyroxine, but if it’s not, then what else is? And why didn’t I ever experience such extreme anxiety until after I was on levothyroxine? She did mention some other word besides PTSD, but I can’t remember what it was. In other words, based on her look of skepticism and concern, I’d say she still thinks I’m one taco short of a number four combo. Nice bold blue toenail polish she wore, though. Good color.

I’m just glad she didn’t go talking statins! Fortunately, she’s really good with understanding that yes, medication in general still scares me. I’m getting better each month, but it’s still important not to jump ahead too fast.

For now, I gave her a copy of the timeline of any problems I had over the last couple of months and will give my endo a copy as well. She wants me to follow up with her online a week or so after seeing O, but I don’t have to see her again until December.

Got a really sweet card in the mail from Paula thanking me for being her friend. Aw, how nice. :)

Then I checked the sites I usually check in at, Facebook being one of them. Sure enough, up top of the feed, I got “So and so liked so and so’s profile pic,” like I really give a shit that they like a picture of somebody I don’t even know from the can of paint.

My new wind chime came as well as the air cleaner for the laundry room.

Really starting to regret getting this cat who’s been making it take me forever to write this with all her distractions. She just won’t leave me the fuck alone, especially at night. She is constantly underfoot and now she’s holed up in the laundry room meowing so loud I’m worried she may wake Tom up. Cats apparently don’t sleep at all at night. At least not this one. I really hope Tom’s right about her calming down in about 6 months or else she’s going to have to go. I can’t deal with this shit anymore. I sprayed her for biting my leg and starting to nibble on my toes.

MONDAY, JUNE 8, 2015
Signing in on a hot, dry day of 102°. That dry heat felt really good on my shoulders when I went to get the mail. The humidity we had on Saturday evening when we had that thunderstorm with a little bit of rain mixed in is completely gone. It’s bone dry out there. Although it was a bit too warm and humid for bike riding as we did that evening, it was still a great ride. It’s always fun to go riding, and we even felt a few drops of rain. We kept wishing it would rain harder the whole time to cool us off.

Too bad Tom has to work so much seemingly compared to others because I would love to go for a swim when he gets home. I could go myself but it’s more fun to go with him.

Did some cleaning and some working out and I’m contemplating joining Camp NaNoWriMo with a buddy in July. Will see what I have going on then.

As for Simone, yeah, sometimes she drives me crazy and I wonder if perhaps she was a mistake. Sometimes she gets to constant meowing no matter how much attention I give her and it really gets old. And very distracting. I had to put her in the other room just to watch a movie. The noise, the attention she demands, is an awful lot like having a kid at times and I don’t always like it.

SUNDAY, JUNE 7, 2015
Andy continues to annoy me with his repetitious stupidity and forgetfulness. I just get so tired of going over the same old shit with the guy over and over again. And again I wonder if it’s a personality thing on top of pot frying his brain cells. He’s just too selfish to pay attention to a lot of what you tell him. I also still think he enjoys annoying or at least frustrating some people.

He is the SAME exact Andy M I have always known. He may own his own place and business but he is no smarter or mature than he was 30 years ago. Same old immature talk, same old stupid fantasies. Not to change him or anything, since fantasy is harmless and it’s not like he can’t distinguish fantasy from reality (well, maybe except for when it comes to God), but how can one be into the SAME old fantasies for so damn long, like with his imaginary “Fire Flies” tour? I would think anyone would get sick of that after a while. Hell, I’ve very rarely had a crush on the same person for more than a few months, with an occasional few years here and there. Perhaps it’s like with journaling. After all, I’ve done it for nearly 28 years now and I’m not sick of it.

I told him 2-3 times I’m sick of him asking me to translate meme quotes cuz it’s a pain to look up words I don’t know since I can’t copy and paste from jpg. But what does it do? He goes and asks again anyway till I have to bluntly and loudly spell it out for him. A few words here and there are fine, but I don’t want to translate longer things.

And the memory issues go on. He just asked me when he pointed out the difference between the words effect and affect to me, and I can’t believe he doesn’t remember the 2-3 times he’s pointed this out. Can’t blame this one on selfishness because it has to do with him, so I guess it’s either fried brain cells or a case of him playing with me. I honestly can’t say which would be worse… there being something wrong with him, or him to be mind fucking me.

I still wish he wasn’t such a loner and had more people to socialize with so he would be online less often. But he doesn’t want to be out with friends, he wants to be home on Facebook… and Ask too, of course.

Tom is being silly by losing sleep because he’s “trying to train” Simone when he should shut his bedroom door. Both of them, that is. She’s a cat. Cats are never trainable. At least not that much anyway. We can usually get them to use litter boxes, but that’s pretty much where it stops. I can’t get this cat to do much else. No matter how many times I yell at her for going places I don’t want her going, she goes there anyway. Cats are dumber than dumb. Just totally brain-dead compared to rats.

Animals usually only evolve in ways they need to and nothing more. Simone knows all she needs to know for a cat while Hoodie knows all he knows for a rat. Cats didn’t get to be that smart because they aren’t everywhere in the world like rats are, and there is a variety of different kinds of cats. But the rat you find in the desert is the same rat you find in the Oregon forest, and they needed to learn ways of figuring out how to survive in so many different climates and all that.

In better cat news, Tom picked up one of those chaser toys at Walmart – Smarty Kat’s Hot Pursuit – and Simone is totally addicted to it! She played with it for hours, along with the laser light he also got that she loves to chase, and ended up napping more than ever before due to all the activity. The laser light is great because she can’t get her claws caught on it and there’s nothing to tear up or damage in any way. I can have her use the chaser toy when I want to do something without her underfoot and distracting me.

Really getting sick of these afternoon outages. Hope we won’t end up having to call our provider to beg for reliability we can’t get as we did in Auburn.

Next door is coming and going, as usual, and as usual, I’m left to wonder where two people in their 80s could possibly have to go 2-3 times a day, even on a Sunday. To the pool? To see friends here in the park?

The nail clipper that arrived from China yesterday was a huge disappointment. I’m glad it was so cheap. Even so, the Chinese need to either learn English or hire interpreters if they’re going to make products for the US. The thing said it could cut tips into rounded or square shapes, but this thing only does squared-off tips. I hate that unnatural look. I like my tips to be well-rounded.

I awoke both tired and with a headache. Coffee and ibuprofen helped a little. I wonder if the headache was due to having an extra cup of coffee yesterday. Definitely gotta put my foot down against all these appointments. They’re really getting to me. Some of them anyway. The ear appointment is necessary, but my doctors simply don’t need to see me every 2-3 months, and I don’t need to see counselors and shrinks if given the right medication and the right dosage. I will make one last-ditch effort to get them to see this on the 9th and 17th. Meanwhile, it’s consoling to know that they’re not my parents and I’m not a kid. We pay them. They work for us. It’s up to ME when I see who. :) I totally understand, though, that they’ve only seen me when I was anxious, so they don’t know me any other way… yet.

Tom’s napping now and we’re going to go to the pool in a few hours.

Later…

Simone’s been much better behaved the last couple of days. Yes, she’s still clingy and yes, she can still get underfoot at times, but it’s easier to distract her with her new toys when she overdoes the gratitude. She’s napping now by my feet. When she’s active, though, she is one crazy chica!

We signed up for Netflix long enough to see what they have that we can’t find on Amazon. AP often has a limited and shitty selection.

We postponed the pool because we both felt too tired today.

Andy worried me for a minute when he said his neighbors barged in on him after knocking and then not waiting for him to come to the door (he usually locks the screen). He said the woman’s BF seemed to be looking for something, but he later told me he’s a good guy and might’ve been looking for his cat, which hangs out with him at times.

Andy was saying he saw some anti-Semitic videos that scared him and I wondered if maybe he focuses too much on the news. I mean look at it. It’s like 90% depressing. How could most of the news possibly leave one in a good mood? Want to get depressed? Just read some article about child abuse or something. Great way to put yourself in a foul mood. I’m aware of such atrophies in the world occurring every day out there, but I choose not to focus on the nitty-gritty details. I don’t like to read the news any more than he likes to read books. His reading material of choice is a magazine and mine is a good mystery/suspense novel. Nothing wrong with that, of course, and to be honest, it’s not like I don’t have a damn good idea of what’s going on in the world. If you use the Internet every day, there’s no way to avoid knowing what’s up in general. There’s too much mention of it on almost each and every site one can possibly go to. I just choose to focus on happier things, but hey, that’s just me.

SATURDAY, JUNE 6, 2015
We got a surprise storm last night with more thunder than rain. It didn’t scare Simone. She’s not a shy cat that scares easily. If she was then she wouldn’t be such a pest. She was a little more civilized yesterday (for a cat).

We might have found the perfect thing to keep her out of my hair when I want to do things without her in the way to distract me, and that’s one of those chaser toys. Tom got her Smarty Kat’s Hot Pursuit and she’s totally addicted to it. She played with it for hours this morning and is now taking a nap.

I was surprised to learn cats sleep about 85% of the time because it seems this one’s not even at 20%. She still meows Tom awake and bites his ankles or feet.

We also got a laser light to shine around the floors and walls for her to chase. I used to have one on a keychain a long time ago.

We ordered another air cleaner to put in the laundry room, a beautiful new wind chime with colorful fairies, and some other things.

They have these really cool cat exercise wheels, but I don’t want to spend $250 for something I don’t know that she’ll use. We have a big house. She gets enough exercise running up and down the place.

Last night I dreamed I got a rather happy message from Nane telling me all about fun things she planned to do with her friends and family, and she jokingly ended with, “Want to come along?”

In another dream, I was having surgery, though I don’t know what for. I was lying on a gurney when a nurse gave me a shot that made me very drowsy.

Then Tom got angry with a woman he was talking to on the phone that had to do with helping us get into a summer place or something like that, and she was apparently not doing her job very well.

In the last few dreams, I was riding a bike in some place that didn’t look like this park, telling somebody that I got a haircut, then I went walking through some kind of apartment building or hotel and stopped to talk to some woman in her doorway. Suddenly, I realized I was naked and I crossed my arms in front of my boobs, hoping she wouldn’t notice, LOL. Then her husband or boyfriend came up behind her and said something like, “Well, isn’t that a nice way to go walking around?”

FRIDAY, JUNE 5, 2015
I’m down a few pounds to 151.0, and not a single pound lost was fat. It’s all water now that my period is almost over. Since I’ll never be in the 140s again, the best I can hope for is to be where I’m at right now after the next period.

I feel kind of blah today. I’ve been sleeping shitty as I usually do before appointments, my ear is aching, and this cat just won’t leave me the fuck alone. I almost felt pangs of regret over getting her last night. I once had a cat whom I named Shadow because he followed me everywhere, but not even he was even remotely close to being this clingy. I wanted a cat to keep me company, not one that got in the way and made a constant pest of itself. Unless she’s sleeping or confined in another room, I can’t do anything without her getting in the way.

All I can do is hope that those who say they calm down once they get to be about a year old are correct. This is ridiculous! But we already spent hundreds of dollars on her, and even though the cat rescue people would take her back, we would be out all that money.

Andy suggested she could have abandonment issues. Could be. No way to say for sure because no one knows what her first months were like. Maybe she escaped when she went in heat or maybe she was tossed out. We’ll never know. I just wish she would stop smothering me. I’ve given her a home, food, attention, and much more. It would be nice if she could show her appreciation in less bothersome ways. Even when she’s not underfoot she is constantly meowing. I totally feel for those with 2-legged newborns/toddlers and I can totally understand and see how they would feel overwhelmed and become depressed because I know that what I’m dealing with as far as Simone goes is nothing compared to what they go through. And they don’t settle down after just a year or two.

Just like the rats do, she is kind of copying my schedule by staying up later the later I sleep in. She usually goes down at 8:30, but since I didn’t come out of the bedroom until then, she was up until 10:30. I was under the impression that cats slept quite a bit, but this one only sleeps a few hours a day. In 3-4 hours, she’ll be back up. Really hope she’s not up all night driving me crazy when I’m on nights, along with the blasting car stereos going down the freeway. Now that they can open their windows in the warmer weather, they are annoying as hell in the evenings when sounds carry better. How many more years of this ferociously loud shit are we going to have to put up with before somebody finally regulates the damn things? No one should have to hear your music that many yards, or even miles, away. I can’t believe the things our society ignores any more than I can believe the petty shit it obsesses over.

Anyway, if she gets that annoying I can just throw her in the laundry room. I don’t do that, though, unless she gets really bad like last night. When I shut myself in the bedroom she was practically trying to break the door down to get in, and I had to confine her to the laundry room and second bedroom area. So laundry room timeouts are reserved for when I’m either ready to kill her or want to do something where I absolutely can’t have her underfoot.

I just don’t get it, though. It isn’t like I’ve been neglecting to give her attention and to play with her. This cat is far from neglected, and remember, I’m home most of the time. I throw balls for her to chase, I rub her belly, I pat her back, I give her treats, etc., so I don’t know what else I can do. I swear it’s like she’s Molly - give her an inch and she demands a mile, LOL.

I still wonder if something happened to her. Molly, I mean. I know it takes some people a long time to catch on, but I find it hard to believe that those responsible for her are managing to keep her offline this long. She would always find ways around that. Even when she and her mother finally realized that I wasn’t kidding, their shit wasn’t funny anymore (not that it ever was), and yes, I really would go to their state to take action against them, she stopped contacting me but would still peek in on me every now and then. If she still is, then she’s dodging my tracker.

I saw a movie that reminded me of her the other day about a woman stalking another woman, which in turn reminded me of a funny picture of a young and gorgeous guy with a caption above him saying: Hollywood’s version of a billionaire. A real-life billionaire was pictured next to him, and of course the guy was old, fat, bald and ugly. LOL. Well, the stalker in the movie was very attractive and I couldn’t help but think to myself how much that was so unlike real life. Real-life stalkers look like Molly and Kim. There just aren’t that many gorgeous stalkers out there, male or female, or else I would think that fewer people would complain about them as long as they weren’t being hurt.

Back to Simone - she was funny the other day when she was chasing the feather wand because right as she tackled it she did a perfect somersault. Too bad I didn’t get a video of it.

What is it with toilets being flushed, though? As soon as we flush the toilets she runs behind them where the pipe is for incoming water and swats at it as if it was moving or something.

We definitely have to get another air cleaner for the laundry room. This house is too big for just two air cleaners anyway.

Duolingo added Esperanto and so I have been busy goofing off to play around with that instead of focusing on my Dutch lessons, as I should be. I studied that course on LiveMocha before that site went to hell. It is a very simple and beautiful language, though one of the least spoken in the world.

Forget being up in 3 to 4 hours. Try just 1. I took Simone’s being asleep on her perch as a golden opportunity to change the rats’ cage, and sure enough, she had to get up and see what I was doing. She didn’t get in the way, but knowing she will when I go to work out, I put her in the laundry room. I’m going to edit this, publish it, and then get my workout out of the way.

THURSDAY, JUNE 4, 2015
I still love our Simone, but I am really getting sick of this cat not letting me wake up and always getting underfoot and interfering with things I do. I often have to do things when she’s napping or put her in the other room. I’m also not only sick of having to tell her the same shit over and over (like to get off the counter and stop playing with my hair while I’m trying to work my abs), but now she’s into things she was never into before like the fake trees and going on my dresser. As dumb as cats are, she should still know I don’t want her there. Or Maybe she does know better but is doing it to get attention. Whatever the reason, it’s getting old fast.

And then there’s the whining. She will often sit and whine while I’m trying to watch a movie or something, and she is starting to make me feel like we have a little kid and not a little cat.

Oh, and she MUST sit right smack dab in the middle of doorways. Not toward the wall and out of the way.

Have I listed all her offenses? Well, I guess you can count having to yell at her while I’ve got the dictation running, and then having to delete everything it printed.

I think a big factor in causing her to go from wild to even wilder is that she’s eating more and this is giving her more energy. I didn’t think she would grow anymore and that she would just end up being a small cat, but she has definitely grown.

I tried moving the air cleaner from the living room to the laundry room to see if that helped the litter box smell. Of course, this may enable me to smell the rats more instead, so I will just have to pick the worst smell and put the air cleaner there.

Last night I pulled my desk chair out in the middle of the room. Then holding her wand with the string dangling from it, I spun round and round while she chased it. She loved it. She just doesn’t get, though, that when I first wake up I am simply not ready to take my chair for a spin.

Really hope she doesn’t end up staying up later and later as I sleep in later. She usually naps from 8:30 a.m. to 12:30 p.m. yet she still has energy in her.

She just jumped up on my desk. Okay, it’s laundry room/bedroom time.

sits back down in her chair That was easy enough. If there’s one good thing about cats being so dumb it’s that you can trick them over and over again. If she were like a rat she would never have followed me into the laundry room after I just yelled at her because she would be smart enough to know that I was going to trap her in there.

Did a fitness vid yesterday. Yup, I’ve gotten weaker. I could not only tell when I was doing the exercises but also by how sore I woke up today. I have been slacking off, not so much by skipping out of exercising, but by not exercising as long as I should. As always, it won’t do me any good for weight loss, but I don’t like being out of shape, fat or not. Time to get back to it. I’m not sick anymore so there’s no excuse for laziness. Gonna do half-hour vids almost every day, and ride the bike when Tom’s doesn’t have a problem, LOL, since I feel more comfortable riding with him and it’s more fun that way. The new air pump arrived yesterday and Tom blew his tires up.

I don’t understand some women at times. Many claim they wish to be thin, yet then they turn around and complain that their boobs aren’t big enough or their hips aren’t wide enough or their butt doesn’t stick out far enough. So which is it then? Do they want to be thin or fat?

My new UV nail light came yesterday and it works great. It cured my gel nails in two minutes.

I crashed at 11 PM and woke up with a racy heart at 5:30. I was having a rather suspenseful dream at the time (something about people with guns being in the hotel we were staying at) and so I blame it on the “dream people” and not my thyroid, medication, or the menopause that just can’t set in fast enough. It stopped as soon as I got up to potty, and then I dozed on and off until 7 o’clock.

I also got my set of six colored mascaras yesterday. I like the turquoise the best.

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 3, 2015
Waking up to a rambunctious cat almost makes me wish we’d gotten an older one, LOL. She ran up to me as soon as I opened the bedroom door at 6:30, and went wild until 8:30. She should nap for a few hours now and give me a little peace. She just headed into the other bedroom, and she usually only does that to nap under the bed in there unless Tom is home and at his computer. I’m in the master bedroom now because it is more peaceful in here when I’m on days. Really hope this cat isn’t driving me crazy all night long when I’m on nights, but I know that if she gets that annoying, all I have to do is enclose her in the laundry room and second bedroom area.

Rebecca turned 28 today. 28 was when I got married. How each generation changes! In 1994, it seemed we were on the edge of the whole married with children thing becoming less “in.” I still think people should do what they want and not worry about social norms. My nieces seem very headstrong, though, and I’m sure they will do just that.

My period is in full swing. So much for menopause setting in. There’s no doubt that those hot flashes weren’t really hot flashes but were related to the Prozac backfiring on me instead.

My hunger levels have already dropped tremendously. It was terrible a couple of days ago, as is common for me a day or two before I get it. I ate and I ate yet I never felt like I had any food in my stomach, and if I did, I would be starving all over again a half-hour later. I just could not fill myself up. It took 10 hours of nearly nonstop eating to finally satisfy my hunger. Bum thyroid or not, older or not, it’s no wonder I could never lose weight. Anything I do manage to lose during the month is eaten back on before periods.

Going to go pick out an exercise video to do while I await the goodies we’re expecting today. The UV light for my nails is coming, and I think today is also air pump and half-slip day. Indoors I don’t need the slip at all, but out in the sunshine in my brand-new rainbow dress, it’s definitely nice to have.

TUESDAY, JUNE 2, 2015
I swear this cat is jealous of my laptop. As I was trying to type, she kept jumping up on it like she wanted me to see HER and not the screen, haha. The lovable pest is finally taking her nap. She is most active at dawn and in the evening. She is also eating more and gaining weight. We’re glad. She was too skinny when she got here. Tom weighed himself and then he weighed himself holding her, and she weighs about 4.3 pounds.

A part of me thinks it would be cool to have a golf cart. That would be easier for coming and going to the pool as opposed to the bike or on foot, and it’s not something I would be afraid to drive. We just wouldn’t use it enough for it to be worth the money. If we were active at the clubhouse and in and out of people’s houses here, then maybe.

I am changing the way I use Facebook in light of the fact that I am not allowed the degree of privacy I would like to have. I just don’t understand Facebook. They go out of their way to make contacting those outside of our circle very hard, yet they want us to friend-mix like crazy. It really annoys me that when a friend “likes” or comments on something I post, all their friends can then see it. Same goes for anything I “like” and comment on. Whether it’s a friend’s post or a public group post; whatever I “like” or comment on is open for all to see. It isn’t that they could use anything I post against me; it’s just none of their business unless I want to make it their business. Facebook shouldn’t decide for me who gets to see my likes and comments. I can make the things people post to my wall visible to me only, but there is very little control we now have over privacy with other things over there these days. Facebook isn’t Twitter or my blogs. I’m much pickier as to what I share there and who sees what. If a friend is friends with someone I don’t like or don’t trust, I don’t want them to see my stuff just because our mutual friend “likes” it or has something to say about it. A lot of people seem to have the attitude that it’s ok to share people’s stuff if they don’t know about it, and while I see their point, I also don’t. Say you just speeded down the road. You didn’t get caught, but you still broke the law, didn’t you?

I just wished my niece Rebecca a happy birthday tomorrow, and I don’t see why my other friends should be notified of this in their news feeds, but they will be.

I “liked” and commented on something the cat rescue people posted to their page and a couple of my friends “liked” it. I was like, WTF? That’s really sweet of you but – uhem – I wasn’t talking to you.

I shared a post from a public group and somebody I never even heard of ended up “liking” it. Her name was Samantha. She’s a young black woman. Again, I know it’s totally harmless, but that’s not the point. If I don’t know you, you shouldn’t be able to like anything on my wall. I double-checked my settings and I don’t allow random people to “like” or comment on anything of mine that is public. My first thought was that it was a friend of Andy’s because the name seemed familiar, but it was not. This person and I aren’t listed as having any mutual friends so I don’t know who it is.

I just don’t see the point of having a Friends Only account if everything our friends “like” and comment on is going to be seen by their friends or else I would post everything publicly. Because of Facebook’s determination to air out almost everything I do there, I am only going to use it for direct messages. I may still share my blog and Ask links there, but like I told Andy, don’t “like” or comment on anything he doesn’t want his sisters or anybody else to know about.

I am going to go read now, and since losing weight is out of the question for me, I will at least try not to gain anymore today!

Tammy said Mark broke his foot at work. Ouch! I hope it’s not too serious.

MONDAY, JUNE 1, 2015
Got up at 5 AM as planned. I could have easily slept until seven or eight. This is where I have mixed emotions about not being able to work outside of home. I’d still do it in a heartbeat if I could, but at the same time, I am glad I don’t have to depend on an alarm five days a week to deprive me of an extra hour or two of sleep that I could really use. At least I heard Alexa’s alarm go off because I slept with the sound machine volume turned really low. The only thing that sucks is that while you can adjust her volume for music and other things, the timer and alarm volumes are always the same.

While my sleep issues are a real bitch for appointments at times, it really does balance out as far as the job goes. It sucks not to add an additional income to our household, but then I also don’t have any evil bosses or backstabbing coworkers to deal with, do I? So while we may be living in a time when women are expected to skip motherhood and go straight to work, life ain’t all bad, though I skipped motherhood because I chose to in the end and not because it was becoming “the thing to do.”

Tom was telling me the other day (this was so sweet and I really appreciated it) that because I take care of the house, he never has to scrounge for clean clothes. Whenever he needs a plate, he just reaches for one and there is always one there. If he drops some crumbs on the floor, he can just shrug and say, oh well, they’ll disappear soon enough when Rosie is turned loose to vacuum. Water ring around the toilet? No problem, he knows that will also disappear soon enough.

It would be wonderful if more people could see other people for the positive they bring into the world and not just the negative. I love how he can see the things I do and not the lack of money I generate or the extra pounds on my body.

I have similar thoughts about him. My government has denied me the benefits that are so rightfully mine not just because of their twisted, crazy and senseless laws, but because outsiders are more important to them than their own. My husband picks up where they left off.

I also can’t express how wonderful it is to have somebody willing to drive me where I need to go. Not that I didn’t try to overcome my driving phobia numerous times and not that I could have afforded a vehicle anyway back when I was living in poverty on my own, collecting $494 a month of SSI money, but oh how hard it was getting groceries, for example, with no vehicle in a cold snowy climate. I would have to call a cab, which would cost me more money, and of course they would take forever to get to me, leaving me to wait out in the cold and snow even longer. My life might not be 100% perfect these days, but it definitely gets better and better the older I get. These days most of my time is devoted to living instead of to survival. I definitely prefer it this way.

I scrolled down three or four posts on my Facebook newsfeed shortly after I got up, and sure enough, it was full of people’s “likes” and comments. Not what’s going on with them. I give up on the news feed completely except for what’s right on top. If anybody has anything they want to tell me, they can message me.

Thanks to not having much privacy there, I don’t comment very much on people’s posts because it’s none of my friend’s business what I tell another friend. I send them a message instead if it’s that important.

Had to take a break for a few minutes because I had the runs. Tom thinks it’s a lack of sleep. He’s probably right.

Our medical provider sent us a check saying that we overpaid them. As Tom said, why did they have to bother sending a check when they could just give us a free co-pay the next time around?

Speaking of co-pays adding up, I am going to put my foot down when I see my PCP. Being cautious is one thing. Being ridiculous is another. Not saying they’re “ridiculous,” but if I can’t make them understand that I’m not naturally anxious (though I can get nervous and stressed out at times) and that the cause was being over-medicated last year and then the Prozac, then I don’t know what else I can do. As they say, you can tell somebody the facts but you can’t make them get it. What people do with the information we give them is up to them. Unfortunately, their decisions can affect us negatively, but like I said, no more unnecessary appointments! I have given in to them once just to satisfy them, but I’m not going to keep doing it. I’m not a minor, I’m not in custody, and so I will make my own decisions.

The weekend went too fast, as always, but we sure got a lot done. We cleaned windows, Tom fixed the back door which was sticking, and I rode my bike around the circle five times, while he walked it twice. The original plan was to ride around the park, but he had a flat tire and our air pump broke. He ordered a new one last night on Amazon, and I got a ton of shit as well…My first UV light for gel nails, color-changing nail polish where the nail body is pink in the tips are purple, a half-slip, several colors of glitter mascara, several colors of glitter eyeshadow wands, and a set of three metal silhouettes of dancers from the same company I bought the set of three skaters from just over a year ago. There are six big windows in front, so now there will be one in each window.

Our 21st anniversary is in a couple of weeks and we decided we’re going to spend it gambling and enjoying the buffet at the Thunder Valley Casino. We just don’t know exactly what day. LOL, TVC saw my tweet looking forward to doing just that, and wished me a happy anniversary and a fun time there. :)

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Last updated August 28, 2024