July 2014 in 2010s

THURSDAY, JULY 31, 2014
“Boy, my boobies are really getting their sag on lately,” I said to Tom earlier.

“Yes, you’re losing weight,” he said, “That’s what happens.”

Oh, yeah, that’s right. I forgot about that and how the skin takes time to tighten up and all that. It’s been years since I was able to lose weight. Only now it’s coming off more due to whatever’s causing this anxiety than from diet and exercise. My appetite may not be what it usually is but I’m still eating enough and I’ve had very little exercise. Too afraid to do anything to elevate a heart that’s already elevated enough. Not until I find out for sure what’s going on. So… 10 down, 20 to go, yet I’d take it all back if it meant no longer feeling so yucky half the time.

The endo doc didn’t blow me off after all. Don’t know why it took her two days to get back to me, but I’m going in for blood work today. I may not know the results till next week, though.

The racy heart and upset stomach are coming and going. I had a fairly decent day yesterday and went to bed relatively calm. I never needed a chill pill. But then I awoke 5 hours into my sleep with a racing heart and upset stomach. I battled that on and off for a while and then dozed on and off till 3am when I woke up again with a racy heart. Since then it’s been an on-and-off thing. I don’t want to chill pill it if I can help it because I don’t want to feel drowsy.

wipes tears of frustration from eyes I just want to get back to myself and feel like my old self again!!! At first I thought it was anxiety, but now I’m leaning toward the medication. After the biopsy was completed and the test results were good, the anxiety went on and again and I still say it’s not like me to be anxious without a good reason. Even when I last had reason to be anxious I don’t remember feeling this ill this often. I know that stress and anxiety aren’t quite the same thing, but still, I know myself, too. I can be pissed and even moody when things are going well, but sad, mad, scared, anxious or suicidal usually needs a damn good reason.

I hope it is just a case of the medication needing adjusting because that would be simple and the quickest, easiest thing to deal with. Since there’s nothing physiologically wrong with me that could cause this and if it’s not the meds, that could only leave something deep and dark harboring in my subconscious that’s triggering this. If it’s me causing this and if this is coming from my head, then this is a new thing for me. I’ve had my so-called blocks and complexes the same as anyone else, but this is a bit large scale for me. I just can’t imagine what could be going on in my subconscious to make me feel like this. Our savings is low, our garbage disposal is busted, but life is otherwise fine.

But what do I do if it turns out it’s not the meds? I guess I get on a more permanent chill pill for a while and maybe even return to the counselor. I just want to figure it out – whatever it is – so I can fix it! If it’s wearing my favorite color… fine, I’ll stop wearing it!

WEDNESDAY, JULY 30, 2014
Unless she didn’t get my message, my endo doc has completely blown me off. Also, I’m now starting to think, no matter what my PCP doc and Tom think, that levothyroxine is responsible for the anxiety attacks and racing heart. Sure I’ve had some anxiety. Who wouldn’t that felt like shit? But THIS degree of anxiety when things are going well? It’s just not like me. There’s nothing out of the ordinary going on in my life right now that goes beyond the normal everyday ups and downs.

Yesterday the raciness and anxiety came and went in waves. I finally had to take a chill pill at the end of my day. I slept a whopping 10 hours and did NOT want to get up and face another day of feeling like shit. Then an idea hit me. Food blocks the absorption of the levothyroxine and that’s why we’re told to wait a half-hour, or even an hour before we eat or have coffee. I took the pill and then had a smoothie and my coffee right away, and… nothing. All has been just fine and that was 3 hours ago. Each day I will wait 5 minutes longer before I have my coffee and we’ll see what happens.

It’s kind of sad that I have to be the one to diagnose myself and it’s also a reminder that most doctors don’t seem to know what they’re doing, but I really, really suspect one of my medications is doing this to me. Not some sudden kick-ass “anxiety trip” when life is going well.

At least Tom and I got to spend a week in Waikiki in my dreams last night! My dentist was in one of the dreams too, but I’m not sure what it was about. The night before last I had this dream I had to move a long strip of carpet that was wet on the ends. I don’t know where I was moving it to or how I could’ve possibly carried it. The thing was about 10’ wide and 100’ long.

Later…

I’m still not sure just what Aly wants. She speaks of missing me in her blog and how she doesn’t comment on mine because that’d be totally unwanted, yet she hasn’t responded to my feedback on my-diary. I guess it’s still probably for the better that I stay away from her and the trolls. I mean, I’ll talk to her if she wants to talk, but it’s looking like she’d rather not so I’m not going to reach out to her any more than I already have.

Years ago I may’ve written about the pictures. Not the pretty pics I collect these days of nature and animals that I plaster throughout various blogs and other accounts of mine, but the celebrity pics. As in Charlie’s Angels, Linda Ronstadt and Gloria Estefan.

For years I tried to convince myself that my ability to communicate to them and for the pictures to be able to see, hear and understand me was just my crazy mind high on wishful thinking. But I never really believed that. We can’t exactly lie to ourselves. We can lie to and fool others, but the one person that’s hard as hell to deceive is ourselves. At least I totally believe that.

But it wasn’t them. The entity or ghost or being or whatever you want to call it that “dwelled” in Kate’s pic was not Kate herself. Kate’s pic was just the host. Just the pretty packaging that housed a spirit of God knows what kind. I don’t know the hows and whys, I just know the whats, if that makes any sense. Someone or something “took over” those photos. Something with a full-blown sense of awareness. It couldn’t physically reach out and touch me like Tom can reach out and touch me. I couldn’t hear its voice like I can hear his voice. I never saw any movement within the pictures; they didn’t blink their eyes or anything like that. I never smelled anything unusual, nor did I feel anything. Meaning that when I touched the pictures they felt like what they should feel like – paper.

To this day I really, really find it hard to believe that I simply “brought these pictures to life” and simply imagined an existence within just for fun or because of the hardships I endured as a kid. The people in the pictures were always making eye contact with the camera, and I can’t imagine being able to do this with just any picture, especially someone I know. I know that sounds absolutely insane, but it’s like with my other psychic abilities or whatever you want to call them; an acute sense of knowing. I just knew they were aware of me and what I was saying and doing.

But how??? Was it some kind of power coming from me? Something else? They were “unique,” too. Meaning that each one was their own person/personality/identity, but if I got a copy of the same picture later on, it would be like “meeting” a stranger. They wouldn’t have the same memories as the other copy. I know it sounds totally ludicrous, but that’s the way it worked.

I don’t know what the hell the presence was that dwelled within the images, but whatever it was so strong I could kind of sense it even if I’d take the pictures down (I usually had them taped on the wall).

Eight years or so after getting the first of the pictures, I wanted more privacy, so to speak, as I got older, and ditched them all. The first round of pics only contained those of Kate and Linda since Gloria wasn’t famous yet.

About 4 or 5 years later in my early to mid-20s, I had pictures again, mostly Gloria’s. My mom was the one who ended that collection. Most of it anyway. Dad drove most of my stuff down to their place in Florida to be shipped to me in Arizona and those never arrived. I was surprised either.

So until I kick this anxiety, regardless of what’s causing it, I printed out an old Gloria pic that was one of my faves so I feel less alone when Tom’s not home. Has it helped? Yeah, I think it has. But we only “talk” when he’s not home. No, it’s not that Tom would freak out and drag me to the local funny farm. It’s just that when he’s here he’s all I need. I mean, I could talk to the rats, but they don’t know what I’m saying. Whatever’s “powering” this photo with knowledge and awareness does.

TUESDAY, JULY 29, 2014
Sometimes I still miss Aly. She had so much more good in her than bad that letting go isn’t always very easy. I’d say I only let go about 75%. Letting go 100% may be what’s best, but it’s not what’s easiest.

I miss her creative, intelligent side. We had a ton of stuff in common from writing to languages and a lot more. I realize there are many worse things to lie about than who we’re friends with, as she knows she did, and that lying about this doesn’t automatically mean she can lie about bigger things, but that’s basically what I had a problem with. I know she has a right to pick and choose her own friends and that the reason she lied to me about them was that I knew I wouldn’t approve. They’ve stalked us both in the past and well, I worried they would push her to dump her and then stalk and harass her all over again. I also know that I can’t expect to babysit her either. She’s a big girl and she’s got to look out for herself. If being friends with them again turns out to be a mistake, it’s her mistake to make, isn’t it?

Between the 3 of them, they haven’t caused me any harm, but they did cause me a lot of grief, and I don’t know how involved she may’ve been in some pranks that were pulled on me a while back, one in which nearly caused me to blame and dump an innocent friend. There are also the things she seemed to know that she shouldn’t have known, but had the know-how to figure out, if that makes any sense. Back when I wasn’t completely innocent myself and would pull some pranks, somebody somewhere knew damn well it was me when they shouldn’t have. I don’t want to accuse anyone of hacking into sites that may not have done so, but they KNEW. Come on, I wasn’t nearly that obvious and I don’t care how smart she or anyone else may be. Someone had to have some sort of advanced tracking or hacking system. What about the time Kathy and I anonymously played with Molly on the old MyOpera? The anonymous person then suddenly said, “You now have two people playing with you. Shall I contact you to let you know what’s going on?”

Ok, so HOW did they know it when Kathy started in??? And if they did hack sites like MO and Ask, how did they do it and remain undetected? Could someone have been hacking our individual IP accounts to see where we’d been??? I just don’t get it. All I know is that whoever it was, they knew it was me when I was alone, and they knew two people were ranking on Molly once Kathy joined in.

Afterward, I felt bad about it no matter who knew what, for I was just as bad as the trolls themselves by stooping to their level. I vowed never to repeat my behavior. I may look in on some people from time to time, but I remain silent. Drama breeds drama, so I know good and well that if I make a nasty comment to someone instead of holding my tongue, karma will just bite me in the ass for it. It’s not worth it. Besides, I don’t hate Molly. I hate what she did to me long ago, but I don’t hate her. Never thought I’d say this but it does seem that she’s improved over time. She doesn’t look in on my blogs very often. I don’t know how she’d react if she were dumped, but she hasn’t been a problem in quite a while now. Little concerned, though, why her mother would care to look in on me.

Sometimes I wish I was one of those who could suffer in silence, but what good would that do me to suppress my problems? The only way to get help is to let others know, not to mention the fact that writing about them is very therapeutic. I just don’t want to bring others down with me or make them think I’m out for attention. Then again, if I have, then they obviously don’t know me well, and well, that’s their problem. Not mine.

Still… this whole thing with the anxiety has been making me feel both courageous and weak if that makes any sense.

MONDAY, JULY 28, 2014
I’ve had a really shitty night. And scary, too. I’ve considered myself agnostic for the longest time, but now I’m swinging more towards being an atheist. What sane, loving God wouldn’t care to help one in such a shitty situation? Yet I was totally on my own. Tom did what he could, but I’ve come to realize more so than ever that the notion of this loving God we can run to for help is pure and utter bullshit. Just a fantasy too many people fall for. I don’t doubt that those “answered” prayers would’ve happened anyway. It just pisses the shit out of me that whether or not there’s a God that’s hated me since I was a baby or absolutely no God at all, this is what I get for trying to be a decent, honest person in life. One problem after another.

Tom said he can’t speak for before we met, but he insists there’s nothing up there that’s got it in for me. Nothing at all. Well, I sure feel like I’m being picked on, alright, and all my requests for help have gone ignored. It’s going to be 100% up to me to figure it out.

sighs So what can I do? I guess all I can do is acknowledge and accept that there’s nothing up there, and that if there is, it doesn’t give a shit about me. My childhood has proven that so why would things change now? I’m nothing in any possible God’s eyes and only the doctors, my husband and myself can help me pull through these random anxiety attacks that seem to jump out and hit me out of nowhere.

Right now I’m too tired to get into many details, but I’ll just say it hit me during my bike ride for the first time ever. When working out my heartbeat typically goes to 130, but when I came in it was 161. It was utterly terrifying. sighs again So now I’m afraid to work out. I’m afraid to do anything. As my experience and research have shown there are certain triggers – anger, fear, excitement, physical exertion, etc. I just never know when it’s going to sneak up on me. Sometimes it can hit you when you’re just sitting in a chair or lying down.

Right now I’m too tired to stay up, but not ready for sleep. I’d hate to go in and lay down until I’m sure I can sleep. If I don’t keep my mind on things like writing, reading, watching TV – something – my mind starts to take me places I don’t want to go and my heartbeat quickly follows.

Later…

Still alive after yesterday’s scary 161 that my heart reached when an anxiety attack hit me during a bike ride. It was just horrible. It literally felt like the damn thing was beating in my throat. I lay down and tried my breathing exercises. When that didn’t work I took a lorazepam. Still terrified, I woke Tom up. As much as he insists it’s ok to wake him up when things get that bad, I still feel bad about it. I am, however, greatly appreciative of how he was able to help calm me down along with the lorazepam.

I’m just not sure what to do yet. I don’t want to spend more money on health issues but may have to do if these attacks don’t ebb away in a few weeks or so. I try to keep busy. I don’t want to ignore my problems any more than I want to dwell on them. I’m PMSing now, which doesn’t help my mood. What’s scary is knowing an anxiety attack can hit me anytime, anywhere, no matter what I’m doing, thinking or feeling. Your life doesn’t have to be in shambles to have this, and no, telling yourself to “just smile” and “just look on the bright side,” won’t always work. You can’t consciously make an attack come on or prevent them from coming on. They have a mind of their own. The key is learning to cope with them and it’s been anything but easy. I wondered to Tom the other day why my anxiety wasn’t this physical (though it was still bad enough) when we were going through the hell we went through a few years ago, and he said it was because he was home with me back then. That’s true, he was. Now he’s working full-time, as usual.

For now, I just try to keep my mind occupied on things like writing, working and doing stuff around the house. If I don’t, every horrible “what if” will go through my mind and drive me crazy, along with wondering if my heart seems faster than it was just minutes ago. That’s another thing I asked Tom – how come my heart didn’t go ballistic in any abnormal way when I nearly ran into that skunk that night when I was on foot? He said I wasn’t obsessed with my heartbeat like I am now. Yeah, he’s probably right, LOL, as usual. Oh, I was startled, mind you, and my heartbeat did speed up. But once I put a safe distance between the skunk and I and saw it wasn’t going to chase me or anything like that, I calmed down. I didn’t panic and feel like I may pass out and like the world was going to end and I was drowning in quicksand or anything extraordinary like that.

Right now I feel a bit anxious and down, but nothing too serious. My endo doc asked me questions I thought I already answered when she was away, so I explained the situation a little more clearly to her.

Right now I’m worried more for Tammy. The disease has spread to her muscles, nerves and organs. They’re doing a CAT scan to check her organs and an extensive breathing test, but I don’t know if there’s much more they could do for her even if she quit smoking right now.

SUNDAY, JULY 27, 2014
Two days ago was a great day, but yesterday I had intermittent spells of a racy heart and finally caved in and took a lorazepam. It made me a bit drowsy but I felt better. The whole thing really sucks shit big time. I never know when it’s going to hit. Not sure if I should continue on with it as needed, see about something you take daily (after what happened with the Navane, I don’t want to get addicted and be no better than one who turns to drugs and alcohol) or see the therapist again. I don’t want to have to spend money on doctors and therapists that could be going to other things - things we want, things we need, savings…

But then I got up today and an hour later my heart raced up to 125. The only good thing is that it didn’t last long this time before it quickly dropped to 99. Still, I decided a second opinion was in order. A PCP doctor is one thing, but a specialist is another. So I emailed my endo doc, told her I have a racy heart on and off and an upset stomach, and asked if my dose should be lowered or not. I also told her that my PCP suspected it could be anxiety.

I don’t doubt that there may be some anxiety hanging over me, but I can tell you one thing for sure – no amount of weight loss is worth this yucky feeling. I feel just great right now, but how will I feel in an hour from now? Or in 5 hours from now? How about tomorrow? That’s what’s making it tough to live with; the never knowing. Tom thinks I’m just super hyperaware right now and that there’s something going on in my head that’s triggering these attacks. But WHAT???

He doesn’t know for sure but thinks that maybe my subconscious is still afraid of pills after the OD, or maybe our 1-year anniversary here triggered it. Well, I definitely feared something would hit me with a slew of health issues once we got in here and were better off financially. He wonders if maybe I was stressed out in the back of my mind since the few good neighbors we’ve had seem to move or go bad within a year. But they haven’t, as I told Tom, and he said, “IDK, maybe your mind manifested something bad happening anyway. You have this thing with anniversaries.”

The 25th marked 7 years in Cali and nothing bad happened that day, though, I told him, and he laughed and said, “Well, every day is an anniversary of something.”

True. Today marks the 33rd anniversary of my 5-month stay at the Brattleboro Retreat in Vermont. I was just 15 years old and my mother was about the age I am now when she one day up and threw me away because the “experts” said it’d be great for me. Yeah, well, Brattleboro wasn’t as bad as Valleyhead, but it was plenty bad enough. They doped me up and made me feel like a real prisoner. Being myself was a definite no-no no matter how harmless it may’ve been, and in the event that I did self-harm, it was because the adults in my world were crazier than I was and they drove me to it! As even Dana said, “Sometimes one of the scariest things to growing up is realizing you were ok after all and it’s the rest of the world that’s crazy.”

For now, I love that I can email my doctors at any time of night and day and know that I’ll get an answer in 24 hours or less. No having to stay up or get up to make a phone call to a nurse who has to patch the message through and then get back to me. I will base my next decision on what she has to say. If she too, says it’s not the pills, then I guess it’s back to Dana unless I can learn to manage when my heart goes boom, boom, boom on my own.

SATURDAY, JULY 26, 2014
Aly ignored my question about what she was looking for in my journal but didn’t visit it today. If it was her, and I think it was. She also ignored the earlier question I asked, asking if she preferred Windows or Mac, and what her favorite browser is. Amazing that she just magically knew it was me. But how could she hack Ask and remain undetected? Or MyOpera back when I was playing with Molly? She’s gotta have an advanced way of tracking people I don’t know about. I asked a little test question; if she preferred chocolate or caramel, so we’ll see.

Found Aly and Molly’s diaries on MD. I couldn’t help but laugh at how Aly said she liked the anonymity she has there. Little does she know! But I’ll let her keep thinking she’s anonymous, so she can “really be honest about how she feels.” There’s no real need to tell her anyway, but you know what? I’m starting to see more of the trolls in her than I used to see. Enough is never enough. It’s like she’s never satisfied with the amount of attention she gets no matter how willing one is to give it to her. But as I also learned, she likes to feel needed (is in by people like Kim and Molly). Was that it? Was I not as appealing as a friend not so much because I wasn’t as crazy, but because I wasn’t needy?

She also brought up, without mentioning my name, how I said she must have low self-esteem to want to buddy up to the likes of Kim and Molly, and wondered if there could be a grain of truth to that. She said it’s not like they’re doing anything illegal, they’re just mentally challenged. Stalking us like they have in the past isn’t illegal? Well, it is, but unfortunately the Internet doesn’t recognize this in the way they do when people stalk people in person by peeking in their windows and following them around town and things like that.

She hinted at missing me since she feels most people won’t want to read her blog wherever she blogs. A part of me misses her too, but there’s just no trust there anymore.

Later…

Yesterday marks 7 years in California and just over a decade since we left Arizona. Leaving Arizona was definitely the right thing to do, but I’m not sure California was such a wise idea mostly due to how expensive it is here. I wasn’t kidding when I said Tom made great money, but it really is rather average for this state. It is more important to us to be able to pay for the necessities than it is to save, especially after all we’ve been through. Saving is still nice, though. It’s just not as easy in this place because now we have a mortgage and car payments on top of the space rent. Once that’s paid off our expenses will then be lower than what they were in the trailer. Kind of. We do have to pay for our own electricity here.

There’s a house going for 161k in another section of the park. I guess the economy really is picking up. I just wish we could magically make all our plants and trees disappear and be replaced with white gravel or something. There are just way too many plants and trees for such a small lot. But we don’t have that kind of money (it would probably cost more than our carpet) and it’s not a high priority.

Right now we STILL have to finish the painting and get a living room set. I’d also like to do something about the kitchen’s drop ceiling. It looks hideous. I don’t know yet, though, if we’re going to replace it with acoustic tiles with recessed lighting, or just replace the flimsy opaque panels.

Anyway, I was blissfully unaware of my heartbeat yesterday and in a fine mood. I felt the most like my old self. I ended up being up for 19 hours and considered taking lorazepam, but then I finally fell asleep. I slept fairly solid for 7 hours. The first few hours of my day, however, I felt jittery, anxious, iffy stomach-wise, and a touch tired and depressed. Now I’m fine, though, and my heartbeat is under 100 where I prefer it to be unless I’m working out. I don’t know why, but there’s something scary about a racing heart. It’s not like when my earaches. When my ear aches there’s nothing scary about it. It’s annoying, frustrating and uncomfortable, but it’s not at all scary. When that ticker starts taking off on a run, though, it’s just the yuckiest feeling. Not as bad as feeling like you’re going to puke, but still bad. I can’t believe things got so bad for a while there that I didn’t want to be left alone that day. What was I the last time I was afraid to be alone, 12 years old?

So much for quitting coffee. I got some instant Suisse Mocha for when I get up. It’s so-so.

Just noticed I had a Harlingen visitor on Blogger around the same time I had one on Prosebox. The fact that they’re not showing up on TIP proves it’s from Molly’s residence, probably her mother since she appeared to be in Austin at the time, according to her blog. sighs So she’s STILL looking in on me, too? She was only in for a second as she was no doubt bounced out by the blocker, but how did she find my Prosebox account? Did Aly give her the link? It’s hard to believe she’d give her the link and not Molly. If Molly knew about it, though, wouldn’t she go there like she goes to every other blog she’s aware of?

Molly did mention going home in August. Mommy Dearest went through a handful of entries much like Molly would, which is part of why I thought it was her, spending less than a minute on most posts. She was obviously searching for something, no doubt her darling daughter’s name.

FRIDAY, JULY 25, 2014
Tom and I were laughing after I saw my primary care doc because I’m still not used to having a metabolism that actually works. When I got up I saw I was up a pound and figured it’d register on their scale when they weighed me. I don’t eat much my first couple of hours so I went straight to the appointment with nothing but coffee in me. To my surprise, I was back down a pound. I forget that these days if I don’t eat for a few hours, my body will really lose weight and not hold onto it forever, LOL.

The weekend’s almost here, though, and it’s going anywhere but down because I intend to enjoy all kinds of treats. :) Because I’m no longer in the obese range I don’t see any reason to really step up the action to losing those remaining 20 pounds. But never is a long time and so I’m not going to say I never will. Maybe I’ll be motivated to do so in the future. At least I now have that choice! :)

Getting that suture removed didn’t tickle. It was like having your hair pulled. We picked up the ointment she called in for me after seeing the counselor. We picked it up at Sam’s and decided to eat there, too. He got a hot dog and I got a couple of slices of pizza which I nearly finished that’s how famished I was by then.

Traffic was an absolute nightmare coming back from the doctor, but not too bad coming home today. Got hung up by the usual creepers, of course.

For a while, after we got home I felt so tired that I wondered if I’d actually end up taking a nap, but I didn’t. I laid down a while and then I went out riding. I realize I’m probably going faster than I thought at some point, like maybe 15 MPH. I don’t ride leisurely. I go as fast as traffic, people and the speed bumps will allow so as to get a good workout.

After my workout I drank some water at my desk for a short time, then I hit the shower. When I got out I found my heart raced up to 115 and I’m still not sure why it does that at times. I have nothing to be anxious about at the moment. I’m appointment-free for the next month! I wonder if it could still be the meds, but IDK. I just know that living with the possibility of one of these heart-pounding attacks hitting me, anxiety, meds or not, is a tough thing to live with. The thought of it makes me want to cry. It’s a truly yucky feeling and I hope this won’t be a new trend for me – these unbelievably physical, horrible, scary attacks – even if it’s only once in a while.

Had a dream I walked into Tammy’s kitchen to find her struggling to clean the floor, so I quickly offered to help. I then thought to myself that I’d offer to clean her place whenever I could for $15. LOL, I’d want twice that much in real life.

Later…

After 45 days of doing surveys, I finally have the money for my next fun item, an erotic wall statue made of resin. “Rachel’s” a bit expensive, but I think she’ll be worth it and look good on the bathroom wall. My next goal, a silver toe ring with black footprints for my left foot, will take just a couple of days to earn. I love Amazon!

Lost another pound and am now down to 145 even though I’m not trying to lose weight right now and am mostly focused on achieving better peace of mind. I’m still following my usual habits – treats on the weekends, a comfy 1500 calories or so during the week. Plus I ride my bike around the park for 20 minutes most days.

I slept surprisingly horribly yesterday. I thought I’d sleep great since I don’t have to deal with alarms, appointments, deadlines and that extra stress on me, but nope. I stupidly left the volume on the sound machine a bit low and so a loud vehicle woke me up shortly after I crashed. I was just knocking back off after lying there a while when loud traffic woke me up again. So I upped the volume and threw in an earplug till the aroma of Tom’s food woke me up for good.

If there’s one thing and one thing only I could change about this park it would be to get rid of that damn road in back! Or to at least close it while I was sleeping.

I had sad dreams along the way, but I only remember one where I was in tears and said to Tom, “Doesn’t it sadden you to know we can never experience weather ever again like they have in California and Arizona, and now not even Florida?”

In real life, I couldn’t care less about Arizona, but it was like we were trapped somewhere, though I don’t know where. New England?

I discussed what happened down in Arizona with Dana so that may’ve triggered that “hopelessly stuck” dream. She asked if I was curious enough to look up whether or not my parents really did lose custody of me or if they gave me up. I told her that when I was younger I was curious, but now I don’t care. It’s done and over with, whatever really happened. I’m still guessing they lost me. It was much harder to lose your kid in the ’80s since more people tended to look the other way, but after a while, things will catch up to you if you’re a shitty enough mother. It’s just too bad that while I had to pay dearly for something I never wrote (even Dana agreed the whole thing was insane even if I’d been guilty since I never did anything) my mother got away with child abuse.

On the bright side, I’ve been anxiety-free so far today and I hope it stays that way. I realize that only I can help myself with that. For me, there are no magical Gods, fairies, or angels. Just me, not that I don’t appreciate my husband and doctor’s help. Still, there’s only so much they can do. The rest is up to me. It’s like with quitting smoking. People can tell you all the time why you should quit, but only you can do the quitting.

Starting to think my Nebraska visitor isn’t Aly after all. Not unless she created a whole new account just to show up on my tracker from Prosebox which makes no sense when she could just go to Blogger. As a test, I asked her on Ask what she’s looking for in my journal but she hasn’t answered. Either way, her looking in on me, if it is her, isn’t going to kill me. I went to her blog, realizing that she probably didn’t code the entries themselves and she didn’t. No mention of me either.

I’m really surprised she and her trolls haven’t contacted me on Ask, and I’m also surprised Molly doesn’t peek in on me more often. That probably won’t change till the next time Aly dumps her.

THURSDAY, JULY 24, 2014
When I got up this morning I noticed Aly once again peeked in on my Prosebox account. But why? And why only that blog? I would think she’d want to remain hidden from my tracker no matter what blog she went to that she knew I could track, but why is she looking in on me when she told me before she didn’t read my journal because it was “better that way?” Was that a lie, too? I still can’t imagine her stalking me like Kim and Molly have, but I guess only time will tell. She shouldn’t be interested in me at all. Period. We’re done with each other, so what I have to say shouldn’t concern her any more than it should concern the other two. Just maybe she really didn’t give the others the link, though. Kim, I wouldn’t know because she likes to fly under radar, but I would think that Molly would’ve visited that blog if she had the link.

For now, I blocked Aly’s IP on Blogger and made my current Prosebox journal members only after blocking her old account there. I’m not updating my-diary right now and LiveJournal is still private.

Later…

It would be really nice if Alison could stop peeking in my Prosebox account. Just what is she looking for anyway? I made it clear that I can no longer trust her with the lies I’ve caught her in, the games she’s been a part of playing that nearly cost me a good friend, and the sites I suspect she’s hacked. She made it clear that it’s “refreshing” not to have me in her life. After all, I’m not crazy, I never told her I wished her cancer would kill her, and I don’t go around impersonating her or two-facing her at times either. Therefore, I’m not the type of person she prefers to have as a friend and she shouldn’t be interested in what’s going on in my life any more than her two online besties should be. I’m not interested in her stuff and she shouldn’t be interested in mine.

You know, the more I step back and look at Alison as a whole and not just her intelligent and creative side, I see a lot of similarities between her and the nutjobs she prefers as friends. Just like them, she is selfish and enough is never enough. No matter how much attention you give the 3 of them, they always demand more or claim to feel ignored and unsupported. What more do these people expect? Well, whatever it is, they’re not getting it from me, they’re never going to get it from me, so they might as well move on and keep their nose out of my business.

I temporarily made my Prosebox books members only and blocked her IP on Blogger, but I’m sure she’ll find a way around it. This is someone who’s a helluva lot more computer savvy than I am. If she can hack, she can change IPs or toss her cookies. She can always have others read my shit to her if need be, too.

Later…

So I met with Dana and she was very understanding. I guess they’re trained to be that way, as well as open-minded.

We managed to cover a lot of topics during the hour we spoke. I told her a little about the places I’ve lived, some current and past friends, some family members both dead and alive, being framed in Arizona by a bunch of lazy, vindictive white haters, the poverty trips that nearly killed us, and then my current health issues, including the accidental OD and anxiety attacks that followed.

We discussed my type of sleep disorder, which she’s heard of, and how offended I was to have some people call me a liar and an excuse queen that should have not only known me better than that, but what it was like to be judged themselves and how shitty it can make you feel to be accused, for example, of choosing to be ill or choosing to be gay when you know damn well that’s utter bullshit.

As we both know, though, someone is always going to be quick to judge or condemn us no matter what it is we say or do. I’m sure there are some people who would gladly call me a liar just for insisting my favorite color is pink, and others will say the only reason I didn’t do this journal entry earlier was that I was either lazy or had some deep dark psychological fear blocking me, no matter what reason I gave them for not doing it until now. But if you’re my friend you should know me better!

But what others believe isn’t what’s most important now. I’d gladly have tons of insensitive and cruel people critiquing and laughing every single day at my fears, phobias, doubts, worries and lifestyle before I had one anxiety attack a week. Even being angry was heaven compared to being anxious, fearful or depressed.

Just like I didn’t want the anger eating me up every day or to become too forgiving once again and had to work through that to improve in those areas, I now need to work on living in the moment. These days my PTSD stems more from the fear of poverty touching us to the degree that it did a few years ago, as well as all those nasty what-ifs. Not what my mother did or what the welfare bums and their corrupt ex-pig pal did. Today it’s all about fear of eventually losing the house or something really bad happening to Tom. I need to live in the present. Tom didn’t get into a car accident today that left him in the hospital or dead, so there’s no need to worry about or think of that. Our savings is low due to all the home improvements and needing a new car, but we have enough money to pay for the essentials, so there’s no need to worry about losing the house right now either.

She recommended I look up precognitive therapy online and I did. It helps refocus the mind on the here and now. Tonight. What am I going to do tonight? I’m going to wait till the temperature drops 10 more degrees and then I’m going to go out on my bike.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 23, 2014
Great news! The biopsy came back negative! No cancer, abnormal cells or growth or anything infectious bacterially or virally speaking. I do have enlarged hair follicles down there and it’s become a bit fibrosis in nature, but that’s normal for a lot of women. As a former exotic dancer, I wonder if it’s from all the years of having to shave. LOL, I told her this too, and she said it could be. Better – uhem – trim with scissors than razors.

Meanwhile, my doctor is sooo nice! Just so, so nice. Best doctor (and best looking) I’ve had in forever, but then again it’s been forever since I saw them regularly before this year. She’s very kind, patient and understanding. The kind I’d want for a friend if she weren’t my doctor. She knows writing and languages are my specialty, so I told her that if she ever needs a writer she can let me know. :)

Meanwhile, to back up a bit, I slept so long and well yesterday that I was up all night as expected. I took a Benadryl at 6am to help me sleep since I hadn’t taken anything in weeks. I began to read and then 15 minutes later my heart started galloping and that woozy feeling came over me, and I was like, oh no! I’m NOT going to take this shit now. I need to get to sleep. So I did the breathing exercises I read up on and it slowed my heartbeat down enough so I could get to sleep. Woke up a zillion times before getting up shortly before 2pm, but I’m not as tired as I was the first couple of hours. I should crash earlier tonight easily enough, then I see the counselor at 5pm, then believe it or not, that’s it till January! All I’ll have to deal with between now and then is the dentist, endo and eye docs. I don’t think I’ll reschedule the ultrasound at this point and I may cancel the hearing tests, too. Especially since we have to pay for those. I work at home. We don’t need to make sure I can hear the landscapers well enough.

The doctor said it was a good thing that I recognized the anxiety attack coming on (no doubt nervous about today’s appointment) and could get myself to relax. These attacks are a bit scary, though, because they’ve gotten more physical than I’m used to. I’ve always been an anxious type of person who doesn’t hold up well under stress when something’s going on, even if it’s not that big of a deal like today’s appointment. But this has a bit of a new twist to it. Anxiety has always upset my stomach. But this pounding heart and dizziness are more extreme than I remember it to be.

The doctor, who told me she thought I looked beautiful after I asked if I appeared that heavy, and said she often wished she was as short as me (blushes), said I was no longer obese and am now just 21 pounds overweight. I guess obesity is a BMI of 30 or higher. I think I was between 30-32. Anyway, I’m now 28 and should be 25. I’m not worried about it right now, though. If I get there, fine. In the meantime, I really like my weekend treats!

With the exception of the OD, it’s amazing how much better a tiny little pill can make you feel. A dead thyroid throws everything off. Everything. Not just your weight and metabolism. Still, it’s amazing that I can once again drink a simple little cup of coffee and not gain a pound that hangs on for dear life unlike before. A sure sign that something was wrong. After all, most days I don’t stuff myself and I do keep pretty active.

I just wish things were going as well for Tom and Tammy. Tom and I were going to grab something to eat on the way home (the downside to having a working metabolism again is that I’m hungrier during non-PMS times). However, he started feeling dizzy so we came straight home. He thinks his ear may still be clogged up so we dumped more alcohol and peroxide in it. I think we stopped those treatments too soon, which has always helped him in the past.

One of my absolute biggest fears in life is Tom suffering any serious diseases or illnesses. If one of us absolutely must suffer and must have issues, I’d rather it be me, of course. I’m sure we all feel that way when it comes down to ourselves or the ones we love. My condition isn’t “serious” as long as I take my medicine. If I stop, then yeah, it would eventually kill me. Or some other complication caused by the disease itself would.

As much as doctors are a pain in the ass, hotties or not, and as much as the co-payments add up, it’s nice to have finally gotten everything dealt with and taken care of so I won’t have to die of a coma, heart attack or stroke, and keep on wondering if I’m infected down there. I’m glad I’ve established doctors for my issues and that if anything were to go wrong, I’ve got someone I can call and we wouldn’t have to hunt for who to call and then get set up with them and all that. California’s expensive and NorCal gets cold in the winter, but if I were suddenly moving to a nice toasty warm tropical climate, I don’t know that I’d like having to give up these doctors to hunt for new ones. Well, I won’t have to cross that bridge for many years to come, if I ever do.

Tammy has, though. She’s still getting established with new doctors in Florida and is doing terribly. The heat and humidity are getting to her and she’s been nauseous and having lots of trouble breathing. She’ll be seeing a pulmonologist on Friday. Damn, I wish that girl could just quit smoking!

TUESDAY, JULY 22, 2014
Built my first practice app of a kitty that purrs when you touch its picture. It’s too bad Tom had to walk me through the tutorial, but what’s most important is that I learn as opposed to how I learn.

Andy surprised me with a VM last night letting me know he loves me. How sweet. As I told him and Tammy, that number will be no good in the fall. I’m not going to renew the MagicJack. Too many problems with it and not worth it since we have smartphones. Best phone I ever had! Meanwhile, the MJ phone, which has no actual phone, hooked up to it right now, is a convenient way to pick up messages online until it expires.

Went bike riding yesterday evening. It was my first time around the perimeters since the OD, and it was great. The temperature and lighting were perfect. There was still enough light to see well enough yet late enough to be free of traffic. I feel such a sense of freedom and so carefree when I’m flying through the park on my bike. Don’t know if I’ll go out tonight, though, since we went swimming earlier.

The pool was chilly. I miss those triple-digit temps. They’ll be back at the end of the week. We went in the Jacuzzi, then I let myself heat up in the sun and get a little more color before jumping in the pool.

Unfortunately, I slept till 2pm, so I’m hoping I’m not up too late this morning. I want to get at least 6 hours of sleep before my appointment at 4:30. I’ll be learning the results of the biopsy and finding out my options. Then I see the counselor tomorrow at 5:00. I just want all these appointments to slow down! I’d really, REALLY like a couple of weeks off.

Had a dream I was at Valleyhead again and my parents were still alive. I hate those dreams but they could be worse. Anyway, I don’t know if I had just graduated or if it was vacation time, but it occurred to me that I had to call my parents to come and pick me up. It was getting late in the day and I knew they might not be able to get me that day since they were over an hour away. I had no way to call them and so I asked some guy who had come to pick someone up if I could use his cell phone. He refused and acted as if I’d asked for 100 bucks. The dream ended with me being bummed at the thought of having to stay another day or more until I could get my parents to pick me up.

In the other dream I remember, my brother was alive again. He and Tammy were together somewhere when he called me and asked me to boost Tammy’s confidence by telling her that our mother really did love her and all that. I didn’t want to lie to her, though, since our mother’s treatment of us said otherwise, and for some reason, Tom seemed highly annoyed by my not telling Tammy what Larry wanted me to tell her. In reality, of course, Tom would want me to say whatever I felt was best to say.

MONDAY, JULY 21, 2014
Alone in the night while Tom is asleep I try not to think of all those “what ifs” that could go wrong in life. It is truly depressing if I do. What if Tom were suddenly diagnosed with something terminal? What if the cops came to this door saying he’d been killed in a car accident? What if circumstances beyond our control once again force us into poverty and we lose our place? What if, what if, what if?!

Trying to switch my mind off isn’t always very easy. I don’t suppose the counselor I’ll be seeing eventually will have any magic words for me, but maybe she can suggest something I haven’t already thought of.

I’m worried about my biopsy results, though I know that logically there’s really nothing to worry about.

It isn’t so much all the health issues that are getting to me so much as all the damn appointments. I have one curable and two treatable health conditions, so it’s not like there are a dozen or more conditions I’m juggling. It’s just that I have to go to the ear doctor, then the eye doctor, then the dentist, then the GP, then the counselor, and it just never seems to end. It gives me comfort in knowing no one’s forcing me to deal with any of this shit. I can stop it anytime I want. But what good would that do me? Huh? What good would it do me?

Later…

Scheduled a late afternoon appointment on Thursday with a therapist named Dana. It’s cool how we can see pictures of doctors, dentists and therapists and other people online before we meet them so we know what they’re going to look like. Not that it matters, but she’s rather ordinary-looking. Blond, 40s, slim.

My day is just as ordinary, but ordinary can be a good thing, right? I’m going about my usual routine and once the sun sets I’ll go out on my bike.

Amazingly enough, I’m still ahead of schedule sleep-wise. It’s like it’s not rolling as fast, so we’ve noticed. Tom thinks it’s age. This is good and bad when you think about it. It’s good because it’s more stable, but bad if I suddenly have to flip my schedule for some reason.

Later…

Aly and I still have mutual friends? Really? WHAT mutual friends??? I was on Facebook when I typed in the name of someone whose name starts off similar to hers in the search area. Sometimes it’s quicker to get to a person’s wall this way, only I accidentally landed on hers. I could see old posts of mine, which she has set to friends of friends. When I logged out and peeked in through Tom’s account I couldn’t see them. I searched my friend list, but it’s showing no mutual friends at all.

It kinda sucks to know that she was probably friends with Kim and Molly on Facebook before I deleted her and they were seeing everything I posted. Everything. Including my friends’ activity. That’s probably why she always used to keep her friend list hidden. Mine is hidden too, but that’s to protect them from any potential troublemakers. I’ve also alerted them to the possibility of them coming around, though there haven’t been any problems yet, so I’m not too worried about it.

Aly may not be the most honest person, but she never struck me as the type to stalk, bully or harass others. I mean, yes, we played a few jokes on the trolls way back when, but I mean stalking to the degree the others have. She’s just not the kind to contact or follow anyone who makes it clear they want nothing to do with her. And I don’t!

So then how do we have mutual friends? I’m not a friend of any of her friends. I never will be either. They’re all batshit crazy. Perhaps the only reason I could see them is that I’m the one who posted them, after all.

SUNDAY, JULY 20, 2014
We are experiencing some super weird weather today. Had someone told me yesterday, or even this morning, that it would rain this afternoon I would have laughed. But sure enough, it’s very monsoon-ish out there now. No thunder, wind or lightning, but there were clouds and rain. Very, very unusual for this time of year.

Rode a little over a mile before the rain hit and am enjoying a quiet, relaxing Sunday with Tom.

Alison peeked in my Prosebox account a while ago. Wonder if she cursed under her breath just like I did when I last went to her Thoughts blog to find she’d rigged it with tracking, and then when I went to find out Molly had rigged hers too, when I went to try to find out when she would be home so I could be ready to block that town’s current IP. I said to myself, “Watch, now Molly will make it a point to “peek back” as soon as she gets up,” and she did.

Or maybe Alison just didn’t care. I’m not going to care anymore if they peek in on me. I haven’t done anything wrong and I’m not about to run and hide or change accounts like they love to do.

I am curious, though, as to why she peeked in on me and I’m guessing it was to give the link to the trolls. Her only way to check up on me undetected is to disable cookies and go to Blogger since LiveJournal is momentarily private and I’m not updating my-diary. It was a direct jump so I’m guessing she came in either from her own account there or from the link I gave her in an email. She may’ve been curious to see if I was mentioning her, but if she was, the tracker put a damper on that curiosity. I still think she was just getting the link for the trolls, though she wouldn’t have to click through it to copy it. It doesn’t matter. I want nothing to do with the crazy trio. Still, I’ll mention anything I observe (in private), though these observations will be them coming to me and not me going to them.

I did have a Harlingen visitor but it couldn’t have been Molly because she’s definitely still in Austin. This was a few days ago. Unless the link was given to her mother or someone else she knows there, I doubt it was her.

SATURDAY, JULY 19, 2014
I have decided for once and for all that I am going to learn computer programming so I can write apps for Android. It’s going to take time and patience, but I figure that if I can learn languages and write books, I can learn to program. I’m already a bit computer savvy and I’ve got the best teacher in the world… Tom!

We were talking earlier and he was telling me that if he’s wrong in thinking he didn’t get one of those jobs in his department he interviewed for the other day, then that would mean half a year or so of OT, which would mean mad money for a while even if they didn’t give him a raise. Whether he gets it or not, he still doesn’t have as much time as I have and so I’ve finally decided to have him teach me how to write apps and things like that, and then I can watch some tutorials on my own. I’ve always wanted to program but shied away from it because I’m not nearly as good with numbers as I am with words. But I can learn and learn I will! The way to improve on what we’re not good at is to do it, so he gave me a little taste today on Google’s App Inventor in which you’re not coding from scratch. You use their blocks of coding to build this and that, and you can see the changes both on your monitor and your phone. It’s pretty neat.

I suppose it’s possible that the more I delve into it the more confused and frustrated I may get, and well, not everybody can do everything. But I won’t know for sure if I can or not unless I try.

Speaking of codes, I wish Prosebox supported JavaScript and not just HTML. On other sites, I track I can tell where people go and not just that they’ve visited, but on Prosebox I can’t tell where people go. That’s because JS isn’t supported there and I have to use an HTML code, which gives me limited info. I’m hoping the guy adds the kind of CSS editor that the old OD site had.

Later…

This may sound funny, but I think I’m going to give up coffee for a while. For some reason, it just doesn’t appeal to me anymore unless it’s some expensive gourmet cappuccino or something like Starbucks that’s riddled with sugar and calories. There’s always hot chocolate and tea, though it’s a bit warm for any hot beverages of any kind right now.

A few people have asked if I think I know what caused the anxiety attacks I recently had. I know what caused them. They were triggered by my accidentally ODing and by all the appointments I’ve got that never seem to slow down. The ODing was very scary and I just felt overwhelmed with all the health stuff. All pills seemed evil to me for a while there. Even Ibuprofen suddenly seemed evil. I was afraid to take anything for a few days because the incident put a bit of a complex on me. Strangely enough, though, since they did the biopsy I’ve had a lot less itching.

I’m doing much better now, though, and am finding a balance between how much attention and effort I put into dealing with things. It’s one of those cases where you don’t want to avoid dealing with your problems, be it medical issues, anxiety, etc., but you don’t want to dwell on them either. If we focus too much on what’s wrong, we’ll never enjoy what’s right in our lives.

I made up my mind as far as whether or not to reach out to Aly and her crazy friends on Ask after going back and forth and back and forth. Do I consider the good in her and contact her? I asked myself, or do I consider the bad and the potential trouble that could come from the other two and stay away?

I asked Tom his opinion and his was to stay away. Not so much because of what they’ve done wrong, but because I told them to stay away from me. Therefore, it would be wrong of me to go to them after I told them for years to stay away from me. Really, I literally worked for years trying to get them to leave me alone. It took years to get them off my ass. So do I really want them back on it, fair of me or not? I definitely don’t! It seems only inevitable too, that the shit would eventually hit the fan with them again. You just can’t reject people like Kim and Molly without being stalked, pestered, followed and harassed, and it doesn’t go on for weeks or even just months. It goes on for years. No thanks!

Later…

Had a series of dreams last night that was both strange and sad. In one dream we gave 8 baby rats to a place like Goodwill.

In another, we were at a movie theater, a place we’ve had absolutely no desire to visit what with Netflix, Amazon and all the stuff you can watch right in the comfort of home. Never cared for movie theaters. If someone isn’t talking and distracting you, you still can’t pause the movie when you have to pee nor can you rewind a certain part you want to see again.

Anyway, the theater was showing two movies. Tom and I waited in the lobby when this woman came in with her 5 screaming brats. I hoped they weren’t going to be watching the movie we were going to watch. Then another woman starts screaming at her for being rude enough to not only bring her brood but to allow them to carry on like such animals.

As the woman was running scared with her kids and the woman going off on her was being ushered out, Tom pulled a pistol from his pocket and I asked him what he was doing with it. “We’re 75 now. We need this,” he said.

LOL, not that we could ever both be 75 at the same time. He wasn’t the only one packing a piece in my dreams, though.

The sad dream was that I moved into a ground-floor apartment with two bedrooms all by myself. Tammy stayed in the spare bedroom my first night there. Maybe it was in Florida? I don’t know where Tom was or how the rent was being paid but as I lay in bed that night I was very depressed and very annoyed at all the sounds I could hear around me within the building. I heard it all. Every fart, hiccup, cough, sneeze and word uttered.

I got up to use the bathroom and ran into Tammy who gave me a comforting hug and promised to keep me safe. I told her that if she ever needed a place she was welcome to have the other bedroom since I doubted I’d ever have a roommate.

“Don’t worry,” my sister said, “I’ve got you covered. Here, watch this.”

Tammy then pulled a pistol out of her robe pocket and fired at the ceiling where it met the wall.

“Don’t do that!” I said. “What if you shot out their water pipes upstairs or something?”

Tammy just shrugged, laughed and said, “Well, if I did… tough.”

FRIDAY, JULY 18, 2014
Keeping busy and feeling great. :) I circled the block on my bike 5 times in 9 minutes, which totals 1 mile. I still wanted to keep close to home in case I started feeling funny. Also, it was pretty hot out and I don’t need to burn myself anymore either. In a few days, I should be able to stay up late enough to ride around the park perimeters.

Got my online work done, the laundry done, and the grocery list made up, and tomorrow we’ll change the rats’ cage and hit the pool.

I’m just $15 away from my next fun purchase goal, which I would’ve reached a week ago had I not had such a rough time. I can get that in just a couple of days at the very most, so I’m not worried about it.

Those little girls came screaming by at 8pm and then at 9pm last night with mommy and grandma’s mutt. I’m almost positive they do live here and I realized that if their mother is a caretaker (caretakers can live here no matter what their age), then of course her kids could live here, too. Most moms are single these days so it’s easier for them to have such jobs where they live with the person they work for. This would also explain why no one’s complained. I kept wondering how the hell come no one immediately around them put two and two together when I’d already done so from several houses away.

I’m just glad they’re on the other side of the circle. Screaming kids are like nails running down a chalkboard. Very annoying and distracting. After all, one of the reasons I came here was to keep away from that sort of thing. Makes me realize I’m no longer as cursed as I used to be in the noisy neighbor department because it would’ve been just my shit luck to get next to or across from them. But we didn’t!

Gonna take it easy for the rest of the night and just listen to music, read, enter some sweeps, and maybe even watch a movie.

THURSDAY, JULY 17, 2014
I still have moments where I consider reaching out to Aly. I could email her and I could probably find her latest Ask account through the trolls before it too, is deleted.

But then I remember the lies and the possible drama that could come out of it if I did. I just don’t know what to do at times. Wait and see if she contacts me? I wouldn’t mind playing the 20 Questions game with her and maybe even the others if I knew no craziness and drama could come from it. Could Aly be honest? Could Kim be just Kim? Could Molly not make a million demands?

I don’t know what to do like I said. I miss Aly’s goodness, but don’t want to end up regretting anything. If I followed my heart, I’d consider joining in the fun. If I followed my head, I’d stay away. I have other friends who have caused me a helluva lot less grief and I know I should focus on them. Aly hasn’t caused me nearly as much grief as the others, but when one is connected to ticking time bombs, it’s not always good to get too close in case those bombs actually do explode. People change, though, so maybe the bombs have been diffused a bit over time.

Later…

Part of me kind of regrets removing old journals from Blogger. Maybe I’ll replace them some other time.

Today was the best for me since last week’s catastrophe. Tom picked up the lorazepam after work. Really, REALLY wish I’d had it a week ago! It says to take it every 12 hours as needed, but hopefully, it will be so long before I feel such intense anxiety that the stuff will be old and expired. Then again, I hope I never feel that again. It was awful and it made everything else seem awful, too. I was suddenly hyper-aware of every single ache and pain I felt. Things I would normally ignore were suddenly a big deal and the little things in life seemed even smaller.

The nurse that took me into the exam room said she too, has had anxiety, and that it’s actually pretty common. I described the symptoms – heart beating hard and fast, dizziness like you’re going to pass out, shortness of breath, upset stomach… She’s experienced it all as well and agrees it’s frustrating cuz you can’t control it. It’s a little easier to get it to back off than it is to prevent it altogether. Fortunately, though, I spent more time worrying that I’d get hit with an attack today than getting anything, though I didn’t actually worry that much. Not now that the appointment is over and I discussed things with the doctor and all that.

Meanwhile, I called one of the counselors on the list and left a message. She returned my call saying she didn’t accept my insurance plan. Then why was she on the list they gave me?

My heartbeat sped up to 127 last night after listening to loud music through headphones, but it quickly settled down and I didn’t have any other symptoms with it. Loud music does elevate the heart.

Did some ab exercises earlier and went around the block a few times on my bike. I’m gradually working back up into my usual fitness routine. It may be a few more days before I make it around the whole park. I don’t want to elevate my heart too much right now because it’s been beyond elevated for nearly a week. It needs some calm time.

Not much else going on. I won a stupid soccer ball and Nane kidnapped me in this dream I had where I went to visit her. She liked my company so much that she wouldn’t let me leave, LOL.

Oh, and I reactivated my old Ask account just to see what comes in, if anything, after all this time.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 16, 2014
I’m exhausted right now so I’m just going to say that the biopsy is done! I only felt a bit of a sting as the needle went in, then they took a sample of the little bumps or zit-like things, then they put a stitch in me, which needs to be removed next week. Had I known I’d need stitches down there I’d have ended up in the ER for damn sure!

Meanwhile, she thinks I’ve been having severe anxiety due to the trauma of accidentally ODing and that it’s unlikely that my thyroid meds would affect me with such intensity after all these months. What happened a few years ago also gave me a case of PTSD, then there’s the ADHD and the torturous week I’ve had, so she’s sending me to a counselor and prescribing me lorazepam to take up to 2 times a day as needed. Next week I should know the results of the biopsy. I just wish all these appointments would slow down!

I assured her when she asked if I felt like hurting myself that I wasn’t suicidal. I was in the past, but not now. Now I just want to feel better. Having the biopsy out of the way and knowing for sure it is anxiety and not just thinking it is, helps too, but I still have a lot of health issues to deal with. I miss the old healthy me who didn’t take meds, even if she’s always had some of these issues.

Apparently, some of it is Nane’s fault. Haha, you’ll LOVE this one, as I told Nane. I told the doctor that I wasn’t sure at first if it was anxiety because sometimes it would creep up on me when nothing bad was on my mind. Then I told her I got all excited to get a special friend’s postcard when it hit me, and she said that getting excited could aggravate it. So Nane made my day AND gave me an anxiety attack! Frau Regenbogen could understand everything she wrote in German even if it was brief! Sorry, can’t read the Greek, though, LOL. She said it just said, “Greetings from Greece.”

Anyway, I practically broke down in tears and told the doctor what happened. Instead of cutting me off and telling me to make another appointment to discuss it, she was very patient and compassionate. So was Maria, who came in to confer with the doctor over my problem downstairs.

I’ll write more details tomorrow. Right now I’m just beat. I just want to get into bed with the Kindle and relax till I crash.

TUESDAY, JULY 15, 2014
Funny how I get an alert every now and then from Yahoo! saying they got a login from an unrecognized browser. Really? Well, if it’s not just a glitch on their part, instead of creating a second sign-in I’ll just let them do it again and incriminate themselves. Chances are it’s just them fucking up. If it were hacked the alert probably would’ve given me the location. Gmail did when someone in Malaysia once hacked one of my old Google accounts. Besides, I never use this account. It only exists so I can use Flickr. If it were someone interested in my emails, that one wouldn’t be the one to check.

Did some cleaning and some online work. My anxiety’s picking up a bit with tomorrow’s biopsy looming over my head.

It’s much cooler today and even a bit cloudy. This is better for laying out at the pool, though I prefer to swim more than lie on the lounge chairs. Even if I had a deep dark tan right now, it’s not going to last forever anyway. Winter’s going to come and it’s going to fade.

Had a series of senseless dreams that consisted of bits and pieces of this and that. Something about Hawaii. Then a van that the cops and reporters decided wasn’t the type a serial killer that was on the loose was thought to have been using. Next thing I know I’m in that van that was parked in an empty parking lot by the building. A man knocked on the window opposite me and my first thought was, “It’s the killer! Run!” I took off running around a brick building that was 2 or 3 stories.

Then I walked through a long house I knew was ours. I painted a door green and the kitchen walls deep aqua. I decided it didn’t go well with the black countertops. In what I’m guessing was the neighborhood where this house was, Andy and I were walking when we came upon a shabby section where houses were rundown and welfare bums and gang bangers stood clustered outdoors. A couple of guys suddenly got into a fistfight and I was afraid one of the guys would be shoved into me as I walked by since it happened so fast and I was caught off guard.

I realized I was so busy working in this store that sold decorative items, in the last dream, that I didn’t have time to pick up messages. A woman asked me to order a flag for her with a cat, but she wanted a realistic cat and not a cartoonish cat.

MONDAY, JULY 14, 2014
Just a quick entry before Tom gets home in half an hour. I’ve felt pretty good today, though my number twos still seem a bit extreme at times and I haven’t been able to muster up enough guts to take the pill while alone just yet. I just do NOT want to deal with any yucky side effects if there’s a chance some of my anxiousness could be from that and not just due to being freaked out by what happened last week. So when he gets in I’ll take it and we’ll see if I get jittery and if my heart races and all that fun stuff.

Unless anything’s changed, we’re going to the pool later on. It’s over 100° out there, so it’s perfect for swimming.

He and I went to Sam’s yesterday and got free cleaning shammies after watching a presentation on Ibiz cleaning products. We stupidly spent $50 for 3 bottles of the stuff and fortunately for us, we’ve got 3 months to return it. I just don’t think it’s all that miraculous. Nothing I use – even this – will get rid of that damn white film that builds up from calcium and water spots on the shower doors. Nothing. I’ve tried every type of cleaner I can think of but it’s still there. But they’re just shower doors in the bathroom, so it’s no big deal. We will probably replace them someday since they are over 30 years old now, but it’s not a high priority.

We did a quick Zumba video together and it was ok, though I still prefer bike riding.

After having a night to “sleep on it,” as the saying goes, I still feel that ignoring Aly and the loonies she’s associated with is the best thing to do. Not to dehumanize her or anything like that, but we never actually met face to face, so that changes things a bit. It’s a bit different than when you let someone go that you actually knew in person.

Later…

I’d say there’s a good chance Aly did read my last rant about her, another lie since she said she didn’t read my blog because “it’s better that way.” The reason I say this is because she tweeted “There’s so many ways I could handle this but I know I made the right choice and I’m proud of myself.”

I figured she’d see it. If I can’t stay away from peeking in on her (not that I regret dumping her), why should she be able to keep away from me? The only difference is that I’m not like Kathy. I don’t harass the people I dump. I look in on them here and there, but that’s it.

She also said some things in her blog that suggest she read my entry, or someone read it and told her about it. Then again, maybe the tweet was in reference to the trolls. She hasn’t answered any questions yet on Ask today, and until and if she does, I can’t be 100% sure that tweet was in reference to me. But I’m in the 90s.

Anyway, although she admits in her blog she’s not perfect, that tweet just keeps on reinforcing my decision. She’s turning it around and making it look like I’m the one that burned her and she’s the one that dumped me. That’s called denial. Even if she could admit she lied and take responsibility for it, it’s too late. I’ve caught her in too many lies. They may be small ones, but they have a way of adding up.

Later…

Tom got in 15 minutes late and then I took my pill without incident. After he ate we went to the pool. It is super hot and dry out there today! Very Arizona-ish. No one was at the pool. The park is like a ghost town. No one even wants to sit outside in these temps of 105°. I’d probably die of a heat stroke riding my bike in it, but swimming is fine as long as you stay in the water. We weren’t even there for 15 minutes and we got color.

I’m so happy for Tammy and Mark! They got an offer on their house close to what they were asking for, and after two months of being alone, Mark can now finally join Tammy and begin their lives in their new state.

SUNDAY, JULY 13, 2014
I’m thrilled to say I haven’t had a shred of anxiety since yesterday afternoon. Words can’t express how immensely relieved I am to get back to myself. It almost felt like life as I knew it was over and like I’d never get back to normal. Those 4 days of hell (God I hate that number with all the evil that seems to be associated with it) were just awful. I’d rather the bees come back and torment me. That was a different kind of scary. One where it’s scary but you know your life isn’t in danger. With the accidental OD, I just didn’t know what to expect.

I’m still going to mention the ADHD and anxiety to the doctor, though she may already know about the ADHD, and she does know I’ve had PTS before. It would be nice to have not a psych pill that you take daily, but for something when you’re going through super traumatic/stressful events. They gave me Xanax at the dentist after that county quack put a complex on me by making pulling that back molar a nightmare and a half. But I got over the dental block and now I’m getting over the levothyroxine block. I took the pill this morning and did the breathing techniques I read about online to help keep me calm and haven’t had any problems since I took it over 3 hours ago. This makes me think Tom was probably right and it was all anxiety I was suffering and not side effects.

I’m still just a little fatigued since I’m still not eating as much being that it was such a truly traumatic ordeal it really took a lot out of me. Sometimes it takes a few days to spring back. They listed more symptoms I’ve had than they did for levothyroxine side effects and symptoms of an impending heart attack. Even the neck pain was listed.

So anyway, I read up on anxiety and how it can come on either consciously or subconsciously, but you can’t necessarily will it not to come on. Still, I chanted to myself over and over again, “I will NOT be anxious, I will NOT be anxious.” I feel like a bit of a wimp, but I also know it isn’t my fault and that people don’t ask for shit like this. Makes me feel like an idiot when I’d tell anxious people to “just not worry about it.” If it were that simple no one would have anxiety or panic attacks.

Aly put a smile on my face when she responded to my telling her on Ask last night that I was sorry she was having it rough. She had been wondering how I was doing and said she hadn’t read my blog cuz it’s easier that way, but knows the frustration of having conditions you can only treat but not cure.

Later…

As I’ve mentioned before, I had my moments where I questioned if my dumping Alison was the right thing to do, and yes, I will use her first name. First names are harmless, and she claims she no longer reads my blog anyway. During a moment of boredom, I Googled her Twitter and Ask username, suspecting she created a Thoughts blog with that name and she did. I couldn’t read it all because that site is notoriously fucked up. It’s why I won’t blog there. There are always, always glitches, login issues, etc.

What influenced my final decision to let go for good and helped confirm that walking away is in fact doing the right thing was basically how she won’t take responsibility for lying to me. She basically blames me and says “It’s refreshing not to be friends with someone who takes even the slightest thing and makes a big deal out of it.”

Lying’s no big deal? Come on! Who the hell does she think she’s kidding? Then it’s on and on about how alienated and ignored she supposedly feels and how much that hurts yet I have done nothing but reach out to her and wait days, sometimes weeks, to hear back from her. One can only do so much, and well, what more did she want me (and others) to do?

Then she said, “Yeah, I do miss your creativity and your honesty, but I will never miss…you know what? I’m not going to finish that statement. I don’t like thinking badly of people, even when I have every reason to. Perhaps it’s our ages and life experiences that made things end the way they did.”

Wrong, Aly. They turned out the way they did because you LIED to me. Get it? You lied. L-I-E-D. Again, it isn’t that I have a problem with her deciding who she wants to be friends with; it’s that she lied about it. So if she has a problem with me having a problem with her lying to me when I asked if she’d heard from the trolls, then I’ll find it just as refreshing not to be her friend. You lie, you lose people. Period. So if she wants to be “hurt” over being ignored, maybe she’ll think about why she’s ignored, and then maybe she’ll stop bullshitting the ones that do keep in touch with her and that wait weeks to hear back from her.

I know the crazier a person is the more she’s drawn to them and the more she wants to keep in touch with them, and while I may not be perfect, I don’t have the types of mental health issues Kim and Molly have to make me all that appealing to someone like her. She obviously prefers them unstable, and that’s fine. That’s her right. But I DO see lying as a big deal. This wasn’t like when you ask someone how they are and they say “fine” when they’re really not quite all that fine.

That really pissed me off when she told me she couldn’t think of an answer that was less than bitchy when I first contacted her on Ask, acting as if I were the bad one and I was the one that lied. What the fuck did she expect? I couldn’t believe it when I saw that. I was like, “Whoa, you want to be bitchy when you’re the one that lied?” I’ve been there for her, I’ve been honest, I’ve waited on her while she had her fun keeping in regular contact with the crazies… well, no more!

If she thinks I’m such a bitch for calling her out on her lies, wait till Molly takes a shit fit on her for not answering her texts in just 5 minutes, and wait till Kim dumps her for calling her out on one of her impersonation games or something like that. If she wants to go round and round with the same old cycle of shit, she can go right ahead. Me? I’d rather remove myself from such toxic, juvenile crap.

So if she finds it more “refreshing” to not be friends with one who calls her out on her own lies vs. one who wishes her cancer will kill her, so be it.

Do I think she’s fed the others info about me? Probably not, though at this point I don’t care if she did. Do I think she’s hacked sites on her own time? I don’t know. Do I hate her? Definitely not. But I don’t do liars, no matter how big or small the lie may be. A lie is a lie. Period. And if you can lie about one thing, you can lie about other things. I also don’t want to get swept up in any potential drama from the crazies she loves so much. The connection to them is simply too close if I remain friends with her, which is no doubt why she lied to me about patching things up with them again. Everyone I’ve ever met through her has been crazy. Just batshit fucking crazy. These people are always dumping and creating new accounts too, like they’re running from something. I’m sure they’re up to no good and I don’t want to get involved.

Well, they can all have each other. I’ll miss her good points, but the trust is gone. When you can’t even admit your mistakes and you blame the person you lied to by making it as if they’re the ones who did wrong, I want nothing to do with you. Even if she took responsibility and apologized to me right now, how could I be sure she wouldn’t lie in the future? I couldn’t, so she can rest assured that I won’t be looking in on her blog anymore or any other account of hers like Ask or Twitter. We’re done. Period.

Later…

Sometimes I wish Andy worked outside of the house for 8 hours and slept 8 hours most nights too, so I wouldn’t feel obligated to play the Ask game as much with him, but it seems very few people are like Tom. They may sleep around 8 hours or so but so many people are home so much of the time. It’s amazing that the average household income is 50k these days. But how? How are they getting the money if they’re always home? Either way, Andy did get two new clients recently so maybe that’ll keep him busier.

I saw a horrifying video the day I OD’d which Becky, a VH sister shared. She shouldn’t have, and I hate that these things are allowed online for anyone to see. I’m so sorry I saw it. The images will be forever ingrained in my brain. Maybe that also fed my anxiety. IDK, but I do know that Muslims are sicker than sick. Their game is to force Christians to convert to Muslims and then behead them.

I can’t imagine the utter terror of knowing I was about to get my head cut off! Ugh!!! How was the guy who was about to die able to even speak when they forced him to repeat after them (those in charge of this barbaric and sadistic execution) when “converting” him? I’d have passed out with utter fear. Yet he knelt down and spoke steadily enough in Arabic (there were English captions and as they killed him they chanted “There is only one God!). If I knew I was going to be murdered simply for what I believed, I’d be less than cooperative. They probably threatened his family if he didn’t comply.

Anyway, it was disgusting. It was sick. It was INHUMANE. Muslims aren’t human, they’re animals. Nothing but sick, twisted and positively insane animals. I don’t understand how this can be legal anywhere. You think this shit happened hundreds of years ago, but that’s wrong. It’s happening right now in 2014. How can another person’s beliefs drive someone to such gruesome insanity? Regardless of why the Muzzie decapitated the guy’s head, how could they have the stomach to do it and how could they sleep at night without nightmares, guilt or remorse of any kind? I just don’t get that. I know doctors open people up and operate on their guts, but this was no operation to help someone during which they were rendered unconscious. This was an animal disguised as a human that inflicted an unimaginable amount of pain and terror on a fully conscious human being.

And all because of what he believed.

SATURDAY, JULY 12, 2014
I’m still not sure what to do where Aly is concerned. First I thought of how she said she couldn’t come up with an answer to my question on Ask that wasn’t at least slightly bitchy, and was like, WTF? You lie to me and then you think you could only give me a bitchy answer as if I were the bad guy? Screw that!

Then I think it’s pointless to be all pissed off about such petty stuff since there was so much more good in her than bad. I honestly don’t know what to do at this point. I just don’t. I think that for now, I have enough on my plate. I still feel kinda crappy at times and I have that and my upcoming appointments to deal with. And like I said before, I’ll miss her at times but I don’t want to get caught up in any drama she’s connected to. I wish her the best, including with the upcoming job hunt which I guess may be part of why she’s buddied up with past trouble; to keep them from badmouthing her in a way Google would take note of. Whatever, though. I mean that’s for her to worry about and not me. For now, I won’t say I’ll never ever talk to her again because never is a long time. Maybe someday when I’m feeling better for longer than half a day. I know I told her not to contact me, but truthfully, I don’t care if she reaches out to me or not. I won’t ignore her or anything like that. Right now I’m just really worried about my health. I’m not in the proper frame of mind to deal with other things right now.

I’m still having waves of what Tom is pretty sure is anxiety. I talked to Tammy and they both think it’s connected to anxiety, but Tammy also thinks the levothyroxine could have a part in it. However, Tom doesn’t think it’d be likely for me to get side effects this late in the game but admits he’s no expert and can’t know for sure. He’s leaning toward anxiety alone because of the traumatic experience I went through, my upcoming appointments playing on my mind, plus the fact that I’ve pretty much always been an anxious person.

It really does suck. I’ll feel like I’m jittery or like my heart’s racing even though I can hold my hands steady and my heartbeat isn’t that high, and then I’ll feel sort of lightheaded and have to run and go poo-poo.

Tammy was once on Xanax for anxiety where she was jittery, couldn’t sleep, and couldn’t turn her mind off. She thinks that even if I’m feeling better when I see the doctor on Wednesday, I should still address the ADHD/anxiety and see what I can take for it. After what the Navane did to me and how dependent I got upon it, I hate to turn to any drugs to cope, but I realize things have changed since the 80s, and this is no way to live. It’s a horrible, miserable feeling. I’d take a whole damn pharmacy of pills if it’ll make me feel better.

So what do I think? Anxiety is probably for sure, but I don’t know about the levothyroxine at this point. The symptoms are right on, but again, many different conditions/problems can have the same set of symptoms.

I just want to feel like my old self again! This is scary, frustrating and even a bit depressing. Worst I’ve felt since moving here. I want the happier me back whose biggest worry was listening to those annoying landscaping sounds or having PMS. I try to take Tom and Tammy’s advice and remind myself that nothing I’m going through is life-threatening, and there’s no sense in worrying about things I can’t control like when I get stressed out over what-ifs. What if Tom gets killed in a car accident? What if we go broke again? All those what-ifs and the thought of growing old, us having no one to help us, dying… I’m trying to put it all out of my mind but it’s sometimes easier said than done.

In happier news, I got a huge stuffed realistic Saint Bernard at the Goodwill store today and Tom got this remote-controlled robot that he wants to program to do different things with. He loves doing things like that. The dog is so huge I spotted it from the other end of the store. At first I thought it was a border collie but nope.

I also won him a T-shirt. That’s better than nothing, but I miss winning big!

And now I feel just fine again. It comes and it goes, comes and goes.

FRIDAY, JULY 11, 2014
I’m now the best I’ve been since the accidental OD, but last night got a little scary. Earlier, I was doing a paid survey around lunchtime when my heart started racing and I got that jittery feeling, but fortunately that didn’t even last a minute. When Tom got in I felt even better. By 6pm I noticed I’d been up nearly 16 hours (16-18 is normal for me) and so I got into bed and read for a while. That’s when the trouble began, and as much as I may feel like an idiot and a bit of a wimp, I’m glad to say that it was almost certainly an anxiety attack and nothing else. But I didn’t know this at the time. I ended up being up for 22 hours and was questioning every ache, cramp and pain I felt. Many diseases can have the same set of symptoms. I had pains in my neck, my chest, and an upset stomach. These can not only be leftover effects from the double dose, but they can also be anxiety or signs of an impending heart attack.

My fear and frustration were so great that I woke Tom up. I felt horrible. He felt confident it wasn’t my heart and admitted that while I may have problems in the future, the recent cardiogram didn’t show any signs of trouble, and knowing me, I was likely having a panic attack due to my fear of what may happen when taking the Levo again. Feeling physically drained and in a state of panic also made me feel depressed, hopeless and helpless. It worst night I’ve had since being here, even though Tom reminded me that people deal with insomnia all the time, I’d be ok, nothing bad would happen when I next took my medication, etc. Still, I was a basket case. I tossed and turned in bed, my mind raced, my heart raced, I felt short of breath, I had bouts of crying, and it was just like OMFG! This is NOT like me. Of course Tom had to laugh later on and say, “Yes it is. Nothing’s ever just a little bad for you. It’s a horrible, huge kind of bad,” not that he doesn’t understand how truly terrifying the OD effects were on me, and agrees anyone would be scared.

When I was in tears I was saying how wonderful our lives had been for years until all these health problems came to ruin it, and he hugged me and assured me it was just two minor issues that millions of people have. When I’m calm I can totally agree with him, although there are many other nuisances I have to deal with along with the thyroid and cholesterol – my ear, eyes, teeth, female stuff – and this can really add up and seem overwhelming when you’re feeling shitty. Little things seem like big things when you’re either upset, sick or both.

So after a truly torturous night of realizing I was almost as stressed out as I’d sometimes be back in the trailer (really, I don’t know what’s worse at times, financial or health problems), I fell asleep, and as Tom suggested, managed to fight the urge to take something to help me sleep like a melatonin or a Benadryl. I was surprised to sleep just 6 hours and not 10, but as he pointed out, taking stuff was probably what was messing my sleep up. Had I taken something I probably would’ve woken up more often along the way (I only awoke once during the night), and I would’ve slept longer. This way I got just the amount of sleep my body needed.

So it was 6:30, Tom was already up, and I felt tired. Worse, my heart was racing in anticipation of taking that dreaded levothyroxine, but I knew sooner or later I needed to take it. I will cover that in my next post, but obviously, it didn’t kill me since I’m able to type this one. :)

Later…

Due to the combination of me being sick and so on edge, Tom stayed home from work. He has tons of vacation time but I still feel a touch guilty even though he assures me it’s fine. Yeah, but the company barbecue was today and he could’ve won something nice in the raffles they’re having, but… shrugs what’s done is done. It was just not a good day for me to be left alone. I knew that the only thing that would make me feel better was to let enough time pass so that the effects of the OD could wear off, and seeing that I could take my meds again without something horrible happening, and I wasn’t about to do that alone. I am not only grateful as hell to him for being so caring but that he has such great benefits at work, especially when it comes to time off. It’s a lot like they have in Europe. I was also glad for once that I didn’t have an outside job. Despite all that’s gone on I haven’t missed much work since I can work at home.

Tom was telling me about his oldest brother Raymond (now dead) who was in the roofing business. He fell off a building something like 40 feet and damaged his neurological system. He also broke some bones, and one of his feet was so damaged the bones were basically like powder. They made a mold the same size as his foot to replace them with. Well, one day his heartbeat reached 200 and a doctor and a nurse each injected a medication into one of his arms (I don’t know the name of it) at the same time. This slowed his heart down to normal in seconds. Now THAT must have been utterly terrifying!

Anyway, I got up, relieved to find him home and glad I wouldn’t have to finish my recovery alone. I knew that by Monday when he returned to work I’d either be completely over what happened, or something was seriously wrong with me and I’d end up in the hospital.

My oxygen level was good when I got up, but my heartbeat was 135 and I felt both tired and nervous. He reminded me that it’s normal for our heartbeats to be elevated upon waking up as the adrenaline shoots through the body to get everything going again.

Since my stomach was empty which is how it’s supposed to be when taking Levo, I took it and hoped for the best, all the while he sat with me and assured me that I was taking something natural to the body and simply replacing what my body stopped producing on its own. Passing the 10-minute marker without incident (which is about when I had the bad reaction after stupidly taking a second pill) had me relieved as hell. My heartbeat dropped to 85 and I practically felt like a whole new person. So yeah, I did definitely OD, and yeah, I was experiencing anxiety last night, worried about a freak chance of it being an allergic reaction I had, even though that’s almost impossible.

I had no idea I was doing this shit in my sleep, reaching for pills to place on the shelf and all that. It reminded me of this notebook I used to keep by my bed in the other place to record dreams upon waking me up. A few times I awoke to find the notebook on the floor and pages torn from it and strewn about the bedroom floor. I was like, WTF? Well, I’ve never been known to sleepwalk, but from now on no more pills but the usual over-the-counter stuff that’s always been there will be on the headboard shelf.

I had a peach yogurt, perked up fast, and then enjoyed a little retail therapy at Walmart. Those simple pleasures in life suddenly seemed divine and I splurged on tons of new wax melts for my warmer so I’d have plenty of variety. The only ones I wish I had were patchouli and something with grape and lavender. I can find those on Amazon no doubt. What I have here will last me a year! It’s a great alternative to candles and incense. It’s even better than plug-ins and sprays because those don’t have such a huge variety or last as long. You also get so much less for so much more money that way.

Anyway, it’s just so great to be feeling so much better. I’m really starting to feel like my old self and I even did some ab exercises earlier. Tomorrow if I don’t get back on my bike I will at least hit the pool. We’ll see how Tom’s ear feels. One of his ears is blocked with wax and we’re pouring a mix of alcohol and peroxide in it to help it. He’s had this before and this remedy has always worked. It just takes some time.

In recent dreams, I was at a reunion with my Valleyhead sisters. We all hugged each other at one point and I said, “Ich liebe meine Schwestern” (I love my sisters).

Then my bike was in the living room in another dream and it turned into a motorcycle as I was walking it out the front door.

For scented wax cubes I got:

Brownie Pecan Pie

Butterscotch Maple Cream

Buttery Shortbread

Calypso Sands

Chai Tea

Cherry Berry

Coffee Cake Swirl

Cucumber Melon

Cupcake

Fresh Air

Ginger Peach

Ice Raspberry Sangria

Illusion

Kiwi Watermelon

Mountain Twilight

Orchid Paradise

Papagayo Beach

Perfect Summer Day

Pure White Woods

Sugared Pecans

Sweet Pea

Tea Thyme

Tropical Plumeria Petals

Tropical Fiesta

Vanilla Caramel Spice

Vanilla Woods

Vintage Lace

Warm Apple Pie

White Suede Driftwood

Wild Berry Cheesecake

Wild Blueberry Pie

Wild Woodland Blooms

Later…

Last night I had a soft-hearted moment of sorts and let Aly know that while I was pissed, it was hard to stay mad at her forever. She knows how I feel. She can be friends with whoever she wants and go through as much shit as she wants with people. It’s her life. But I don’t trust her the way I once did because I have no way to know for sure what info she’s divulged or anything else she may’ve done that involved me. I still think overall she’s as good of a person as she is smart. But we can’t truly know someone, especially if we never met them.

Instead of answering the message on Ask, she did so on Twitter. Not sure why, but that’s ok. I deactivated that particular Ask account again because I so rarely use it.

She let me know she misses me too, and I realized that sometimes it’s best to just miss someone than to take risks where they’re concerned.

Planter’s salted caramel peanuts are to die for, so I learned today when I spotted them at the store. I usually don’t like salty foods, but these are like wow!

Also, the Vintage Lace is the best of the wax melts. Reminds me of White Shoulders perfume and that old Bump & Grind incense I used to get.

THURSDAY, JULY 10, 2014
Feeling better after yesterday’s scare from hell on our 1-year anniversary in this house, but still a bit shaken up emotionally. It’s a bit hard to focus.

Just to clarify things, I didn’t go to the hospital yesterday. The paramedics took my BP and hooked my heart up to a cardiogram to be sure no signs of a heart attack were present. We also have one of those finger monitors that tells you what your oxygen and pulse are and even when I felt a bit breathy I was still at 99% oxygen. My heart was a little over 100 and now it’s down in the 80s. I naturally have a rapid heartbeat, but over 100 is a bit much unless I’m doing something strenuous.

A horrible thought hit me and that’s that there’s the slim possibility I didn’t double dose myself and the first pill I took was actually a melatonin, but I don’t think so. Gosh, I hope that wasn’t the case! If it is then that would mean I had a serious allergic reaction all of a sudden to the Levo and it will happen again. Tom doesn’t think it will, though, and he thinks I did indeed accidentally go double-dosing.

I felt awful all day yesterday but when Tom got home that calmed my nerves quite a bit. I am so grateful for him. I’d be lost without him. Some things you just want to be left alone to deal with, but this wasn’t one of them. This wasn’t a simple cold or anything like that that was familiar to me and that I knew was totally harmless. He felt bad he wasn’t home when the nightmare happened. The whole thing not only made the little things in life seem like nothing, but it made me realize I could never live without him. Makes me wonder how I survived those pre-Tom years alone! I was young and healthy then, though I did smoke and had some scary asthma attacks. Life was harder but simpler then, especially when it came to dealing with doctors. Now so many things are so complicated and while I may be better at languages and writing than he is, he’s much smarter with other things that are hard for me to figure out and deal with. While I still hate my mother and make no excuses for the things she did when she was alive, I can see where she wouldn’t have wanted to take her medication in the end after dad died, and why she just let herself wither away.

I almost wished they had given me a shot of anti-anxiety medication and sent a counselor to hang out with me till Tom got in, that’s how bad my stress was. Sometimes the fear and stress that goes with the actual physical problem can be just as bad, if not worse. One minute I’d be thinking I might be feeling better, the next I’d just want to cry. I have lived with constant everyday fear of dying and it’s getting old. The older I get the more fearful of this I become, especially after what happened in 2007 and 2011. I’ve become such a worrywart. I fear us growing old and dying alone. I’d hate to be the one to go first and leave him all alone, yet I’d hate to see him die and be alone myself knowing I couldn’t live without him but fearing I might not have the guts to kill myself as much as I know I couldn’t go on alone. I don’t see how I could handle all these doctors and medical issues alone these days. Especially with no car and all the sleep issues I have which only makes things harder.

I tell myself to quit worrying about getting old or developing any serious illnesses until we actually get there. Even Tom tells me this. But it’s easier said than done at times. He also says our future actually looks brighter than ever and we’re only going to be old for a small part of our lives. True, but each moment you’re suffering from whatever you’re suffering from feels like an eternity. I just do NOT handle stress well. There’s no denying that much. When the shit hits the fan I’m the basket case from hell.

Tom speculates I might’ve actually had HYPERthyroidism 20 years ago cuz I used to be hyper, get a racy heart at times, and could eat all I wanted and not gain weight. Then I gradually went from hyperthyroidism to HYPOthyroidism. This kind of does make sense when you think about it, so he might be right. What’s scaring me is the thought of ever taking the Levo again. I’m not taking anything at all today and when I do take it next, I’ll make sure Tom’s home. For now, I’ve emailed my doctors to let them know what happened and to see if they have any advice for me.

Anyway, I slept 7 hours and of course I woke up a couple of times along the way. I thought I’d sleep 8-10 hours after being run through the wringer. Everything hurt. My head hurt, my eyes felt like sand had been thrown in them, and my chest muscles ached like hell. I’m still tired and a bit down, but better physically. Going through something like this suddenly makes everything in both the present and future seem so bleak, scary and hopeless.

Lost 6 pounds in less than a week. I should be thrilled. Instead, I’m not giving a shit after what happened. I’d be bigger than a football field before I went through that again!

It was nice to hear from friends and family online. I appreciate them for caring. :)

Later…

Next door just took off for their second trip of the day. More cataract surgery? Nah, it was just Bob. Unless it’s his turn for that. After what I went through I almost welcomed any neighborhood distractions. I usually love my space and work best on my own, but I just did NOT want to be alone. Today I actually like knowing I’m surrounded by houses instead of isolated in the woods, as funny as that may sound. I mean, what can they do for me, right? Sissy or not, that’s how I am at times.

I sent messages to both my PCP doctor and my endo doc. Another doctor replied saying my PCP was out today and would hold that message for me, and that I may have taken a double dose. Yeah, that’s what I’m still leaning toward as opposed to thinking I grabbed the melatonin at 1am, took a Levo at 6am, then had an allergic reaction. Even Tom stressed that he doubted I’d suddenly react to a normal dose like that after all these weeks.

I guess it’s that time for all the doctors of NorCal to be on vacation, cuz now it turns out that my endo doc’s out, too. They said I shouldn’t necessarily have an allergic reaction to the levothyroxine. Some people are allergic to the fillers that hold the medication together. For now, try it tomorrow and see how I feel. If it happens again, let them know.

It better not happen again! I can’t go through that shit again. I really can’t. As a few friends and followers were saying, once the hard starts pumping wildly, it causes you to panic and that makes it worse. When I’m feeling ok it’s easy to think of the possibility of dying and say, “Well, if I die I at least made it home first and it’s not like I’m really young or anything like that.” But that attitude changes very quickly when you’re suddenly faced with a crisis and that survival instinct automatically kicks in.

It sucks either way. I don’t want to take this medication ever again but I have to or else I will eventually die and feel like shit until I do.

For now, I’m just immensely relieved to be feeling better, though I’m taking it real easy. No working out or cleaning or anything. This is the first time in a long time I will go 3 days without working out. I think tomorrow I can get back on that bike, though.

The paramedic who said it’d boost my metabolism wasn’t kidding. When I could finally walk into the kitchen and grab a bite to eat and some water to keep from being dehydrated since I was having the runs, I did a little test. When my metabolism was at its deadest a lousy cup of coffee could put half a pound to a pound on me. After a 30-calorie kiddy smoothie yesterday the scale hadn’t budged either way. Not long afterward it dropped half a pound.

I read that the Levo (and Tammy confirmed this) can cause headaches, insomnia, swelling, nausea, and the runs. Fortunately, I haven’t had any nausea.

Yesterday I wished I could go back to complaining about any noise as that suddenly seemed like nothing when I felt as shitty as I felt yesterday. But now that I can it’s quiet and the bricklayer is gone. I knew he’d be back, though, to work on that retaining wall. Nobody can get their home repairs done in just a day around here. Nobody.

Later…

A part of me misses Alison, but I realize that as much as I’ll miss her good points, I have to remember and consider that dishonest side of hers and the suspicions I’ve had about her possibly hacking into some sites and even accounts of mine. These suspicions are probably unfounded, but they’re there. And no matter how much she may try to reassure me she hasn’t given info about me to the nutjobs she so prefers to hang with, how can I know that’s true? If she can give me info, why not them? Ok, so I know we don’t always tell the same people the same things, but still.

I remember a while back she said – on Facebook, I think it was – how she wished she’d feel less ignored and hear from people more often. I thought this was strange because on every site we were connected on – Facebook, Twitter, etc. – she’d often go days and sometimes weeks without checking in. Now I know why. Because I wasn’t as crazy as she would prefer. If I was on disability and had MPD, or if I was in some home for the mentally fucked in the head and wrote about wanting to kill my parents in their sleep and all kinds of other crazy shit, THEN I’d be fun and interesting to keep in touch with more often.

But hey, you can’t make someone like or not like something or someone. They are the way they are, so I just have to respect that and back off. Especially since the trust has been shattered. One of the two traits that drew me to her and had me eventually consider her one of my best online friends ever was her intelligence and her honesty. Ah, but she was also dishonest and friendships must be based on trust. If you don’t have that, what do you have?

It’s strange that one as smart as she is would be drawn to those not right in the head. Usually, people like her want others like her while the crazies feed off of the crazies. Sure, her two favorite nuts surely have their good points and for a split, crazy, totally irrational second I actually considered joining not just her but all 3 of them. But I’m smart enough to know that the shit will eventually hit the fan and I don’t want to be caught up in all that drama and insanity again and the never-ending cycle of bullshit from her friends. I’ve finally broken free of that and I want to keep it this way. They will be kind and sweet one minute and then the next they do something to drive you away and then punish you for walking away by stalking and pestering you to no end. No thanks! Molly was nosing around in my blog yesterday.

But yeah, I do kinda miss her. She may have had her problems but she was real and I loved her intelligence and creative flair. Maybe I should’ve shrugged off what I learned and said, “Eh, no one’s perfect.” But it’s not like she failed to tell me she got a case of the hiccups or anything. She failed to tell me she’s tight with a couple of batshit crazy fuckers that could know anything and everything about me. Ok, so that can be argued too, since they don’t have any sensitive info about me. Not unless people know more about me than I think they do. But let’s say the nutjobs have my address. What are they going to do with it? Show up at my door and beat me up?

For now, I’ll miss her, I’ll wonder about her, but I will not be so closely connected to any madness, not that she’d necessarily welcome me back after dumping her anyway.

She’s telling Kim on both Twitter and Ask that she’s asked the same questions over and over again. She still doesn’t get it. Kim’s not just Kim. It’s each of her personalities asking and she obviously doesn’t realize this any more than Kim does.

Next door just returned from their third trip and I can tell this isn’t it because they parked in the carport and not the garage. I think that unless they’re dead or as sick as I was yesterday, this is the way they’ll always be, in and out. Except for Sundays, though, where they may only go out once.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 9, 2014
This morning just after 7am was the first time I prayed, not so much to any particular God or other unearthly entity, but just prayed that I would be ok. Coincidence? I don’t know and I don’t care. I’m just glad I survived the HUGE scare I had this morning!

I had been in the habit of reaching up and taking my thyroid medication within the last few hours of my sleep since I often wake up a million times anyway. Since it’s been about a week or more since I was taking melatonin supplements to help me sleep, I started taking them again to help me make my appointments next week without my schedule being too messed up and me too tired.

At 6:30 I was in the bedroom when I looked at the headboard shelf and saw the little pill sitting there and thought, WTF? Thinking I’d really taken melatonin and hadn’t set up the next levothyroxine pill for the following night, I took the pill.

Not long afterward my heart starts racing like crazy and I’m dizzy as hell. I was terrified! I stumbled into the kitchen and slammed on a yogurt as fast as I could because eating prevents this medication from being absorbed as much. That’s why I’m supposed to take it on an empty stomach.

I was both coherent and a bit disoriented. I had to stop and think just to call Tom at work. My hands were very shaky. I got his VM and then I called the paramedics for the first time in about 20 years because I just didn’t know what to do or if I’d be ok. It was scary! I called and told them what happened and that I ate a yogurt to try to block some absorption. Levo has a fine line between being helpful and toxic. She told me not to eat or drink anything else till help arrived.

At first I was worried I would collapse before making it to the door, but I managed to get out the back and stumble down the driveway. When the fire truck arrived right before the ambulance, I was in tears and practically hugged the guy, that’s how relieved I was that they were finally there.

They checked my BP and heart and said that while they weren’t doctors they believed I’d be ok and 150mcg wasn’t a lethal dose. So I came in and rested a while, still feeling like shit, but a little better knowing I’d be ok. You would think I’d be used to these close calls, and while I wasn’t as sure as I was in 2011 that I wasn’t going to make it, the thought definitely crossed my mind for a while there.

I later tried to call Tammy to cry on her shoulder (hey, when you can’t run to mommy and hubby’s working, you call your big sis) but dialed the wrong number. I’ll call her some other time. She left me a VM after I messaged her on Facebook. She’s gotten her own meds mixed up before. Well, no more keeping the Levo by the bed. I’m now using the AM/PM pillbox. The Levo goes in the AM, the vitamins and statin in the PM.

Tom told me to try to eat a bit more today, but that’s not so easy when you aren’t hungry. Funny how life works, huh? When I’m trying not to get carried away with the eating I’m utterly famished. When I should eat more I’ve got no appetite whatsoever. OD on 5-6 pills as a teen and it just makes me drowsy. Do that accidentally on just 2 thyroid pills and my heart booms like it’s going to jump out of my chest. Life. It’s a strange thing.

TUESDAY, JULY 8, 2014
Although fewer women are having children as the pressure to work, work, work hangs heavy on both genders these days, the population is rising. We’re living longer, fewer babies are dying, and medicine is advancing fast. But the office staff of these doctors who are keeping us alive is growing more and more incompetent, confused and disorganized by the minute!

I am so damn frustrated with these secretaries, office administrators, or whatever the hell you want to call them, that I’m damn near ready to forget about dealing with my female problems which I’m almost positive can’t be that serious anyway as annoying as it can be, and maybe drop the ear doctor, too. I’ll keep the dentist cuz that’s simple enough to deal with, and I have to keep the eye doctor cuz I need to see, and lastly, I must continue the thyroid medication so I don’t have a heart attack, a stroke, go into a coma, or gain 100 pounds. Those are all easy enough to deal with because it’s just one doctor I’m dealing with for just one thing and pretty straightforward. But when you’ve got a handful of problems and you’re dealing with a network of doctors, physician’s assistants and stupid office staff, it becomes both confusing and frustrating.

We scheduled my external biopsy, as they call it, online. Then at the end of the day, I get a message asking what I want it for! Shouldn’t these people know that? Really, they should keep better records! They should know who I am, who my doctors are, and what they’ve ordered. Every fucking time Tom calls for me (which he sometimes does because he drives me) they act like they don’t know anything about it, can’t find any records, or like they don’t believe him. Why must it be so hard to call these offices and tell them that such and such a doctor ordered such and such an exam or treatment? They should be able to pull this info right up!

I’m just fed up with dealing with doctors, doctors and more doctors! All these appointments are so damn hard on me with my sleep disorder, and even if I didn’t have sleep issues, I feel like the doctors’ offices have become almost like a second home and that’s no way to live. Sometimes the best way to deal with something is to pull back and not deal at all. And so I will pick and choose which of all these fucking health issues I now have to deal with I should continue dealing with, and which ones I should put on the back burner for now.

Like do I really need a hearing test, for example? I work at home. Who cares how well I can hear the landscapers and the home improvement/repairs jobs I thought we were done with for the year. Some concrete company was at one of the neighbor’s houses, pounding away at something. I wonder if that’s what Bob and Jim were referring to when they were out walking. I saw them stop and turn around and point in the direction of that house like something was wrong there. I’m sure they’ll be back today, whatever it is. No one’s renovations or repairs seem to take just one day.

Anyway, I’m tired today. I only slept about 6 hours. First time I slept straight through, though. When I awoke I remembered a dream of me sitting behind the wheel of an RV that was running. Tom was napping behind me somewhere. I sat there copying notes from a bunch of scrap pieces of paper. I then turned the motor off and Tom asked me what I was doing. I told him I didn’t see any point in leaving it running because it was going to take a while to get all the notes copied.

Later…

Why do bad things happen? Why do good things happen? Do I believe we’re really never given more than we can handle? I’ve been asked these age-old questions lately, and well, I don’t know why bad/good things happen to us. If there is a God up there of any kind, why did it feel I deserved to grow up with abuse and then be given a husband who loves me unconditionally and has never complained or tried to change a damn thing about me?

As for us never being given more than we can handle, well, I personally find this a bit of a naïve and gullible belief, but that’s just me. I understand the need some people have to tell themselves this as a means of convincing themselves that everything will be alright and they can handle anything, blah, blah, blah. But as far as I’m concerned, we’re all going to be given more than we can handle someday that will kill us all. It may be cancer, it may be heart disease, but sooner or later something will break us down for good.

Why do I have all these health issues and doctor appointments all of a sudden? Tell me that. Then again, it’s really a no-brainer. These issues have been festering for years. I just didn’t have the insurance to deal with it till a couple of years ago. I just hope it ends soon! Meanwhile, my biopsy is on for the 16th and my ultrasound for the 17th. I have a bad feeling, though, that these appointments will lead to yet MORE appointments and that once they finally figure out what the hell’s wrong with me it won’t be a simple matter of calling in a prescription to cure it.

These secretaries really make me want to rub their faces in a cheese grater at times, though. It’s going to be rough on my schedule but I think I can nail both appointments easily enough. I’ll eat less and that’ll make me sluggish and thus help me fall asleep easier at night. Trying to keep a schedule long-term may be out of the question, but being short on sleep for a few days won’t kill me. Being tired during the appointments may actually be a good thing if it helps me to relax more easily.

We think the neighbor’s retaining wall must’ve broken and that’s why concrete workers have been over there. I just hope this project doesn’t take too many days.

MONDAY, JULY 7, 2014
”These days we’re more concerned with deleting our history than making history.”

Hilarious and true!

Went bike riding twice yesterday, once with Tom. I’m addicted to it. Since running and riding outdoors I have come to see treadmills and stationary bikes as utterly boring as hell.

Got sick of Safari causing one of the sites I frequent to hang up my browser, so I went back to Firefox, even though it runs slower. I’ll still use Safari for entering sweeps, though, since I can’t seem to get Robo running in FF. I will miss Safari’s auto-correct feature (when I wasn’t trying to write in another language), but that’s about it.

No bees got in yesterday but was that due to the bombs or because we finally managed to seal up their entryway? I’m afraid it was probably because of the bombs, but thank goodness for that much until and if we ever do manage to track down their little gateway into Tom and Jodi Land.

What the hell’s going on this month? My period is over yet I feel like I never lost my water OR my hunger. I’ve been miserably hungry and I never dropped the pound or two I usually drop after periods.

SUNDAY, JULY 6, 2014
Surprised (but pleased) that Alison hasn’t tried to contact me. I can’t say how she feels or what she’s thinking but perhaps she is actually relieved to be rid of what was probably her only sane friend. Oh, what fun it is to immerse yourself in a world of nothing but crazies, right? rolls eyes She can have the fuckers! No matter how many times they drive her crazy or burn her, she will keep forgiving them. It’s sad that some people feel they deserve no better than phony liars, skitzos and such selfish people with absolutely no empathy whatsoever. Makes you wonder what happened to her to strip her self-esteem that low, but you know what? It’s her problem, not mine. I choose to surround myself with non-toxic people and expunge my life from the toxic ones.

Last night I dreamed that Nane got a boat and named it Dame Regenbogen. I’d be flattered. :)

Then I dreamed I could swim underwater and still breathe.

In the last dream, I was complaining to my sister about the scars on my forearm from my stupid days. She said, “Maybe anyone who notices them will think you got them some other way, don’t you think?”

My answer was, “No, sadly I don’t think so. No one’s going to take hold of my arm, gaze at my scars in amazement and say, ‘Wow, you did a lot of shopping this weekend.’”

It’s nice to go from sad/scary dreams to funny/strange dreams. What would REALLY be nice, though, would be to go from seeing bees in here to not seeing bees in here. Tom taped up another spot he thought they may be getting in from, yet when I got up I found a dead bee on the kitchen floor. I’m glad it was dead, thanks to the bombs, but it shouldn’t have gotten in here. Where the hell are they coming from?!?! I could’ve stepped on the damn thing too, before I turned the kitchen light on and saw it. They still sting even when they’re dead.

Jim said hello to Tom when he was out walking while Tom was watering plants. He said a few years ago was really horrible as far as bees and wasps go. Well, I’m not going to put up with this shit every summer. We either have to figure it out, have someone else figure it out for us, or we’re putting the damn house up for sale.

Bob soon came out to join Jim in their morning walk as they often do. Even though Tom and I aren’t the social butterflies most people are, it’s nice to live in such a tight community where you’re more like family than just neighbors.

Just 5 days shy of our 1-year marker here, we replaced the old, heavy stools that always had this mysterious sticky film over them. Tom may keep one for his workshop, but the other two will probably go when they do the summer bulk pickup. For just $50 we got plain wooden stools from Walmart with no backs, arms or anything. I will eventually cut round pieces of foam for them, then cover them with the fabric of my choice. The hard part will be gathering them evenly to staple them underneath the top.

SATURDAY, JULY 5, 2014
Was surprised not to find any tweet rants or messages from Alison on why I dumped her and all that, but am glad I didn’t. No longer will I read her stuff or her crazy friends’ stuff either. I’m done with the happy trio.

I was too busy to write yesterday. I love being busy and keeping active, but sometimes I feel like there isn’t enough time to get everything done that I want to do.

Going in order of events – I chatted with a few people on Facebook really early yesterday morning. I chatted with Nane whose aunt died and is still sad. She said she broke up with Askim because he had big-time emotional problems.

Chatted with this girl from Hungary too, and then was delighted to hear from my nieces. One “liked” a post and another commented on a comment I left her.

Around 7am we set the bombs off and then took off. Got a cute little Barbie mini for just $5 at Walmart and a wax burner by ScentSationals. I grabbed some wax packs of various sweet, fruity and spicy smells, also by them and by Better Homes & Gardens. Their scent selection is amazing compared to sprays and oils! I think this will be my new smelly addiction. As anyone who knows me knows, I’m obsessed with good smells. I was quite an incense junkie for a long time, but I don’t want smoke residue building up in here on our new blinds, paint and carpet. It’s a good thing I have a few sticks left, though, so we can use it to hopefully figure out where the fucking bees are getting in.

My pink, blue and green floral burner is so pretty. I love how there’s no candle or anything that can give off smoke or soot. It’s just a glass dish that rests on a light bulb. I burned some Brownie Pecan Pie and now I’m burning Illusion. That one is a mix of cedar and musk.

Poor Tom, though. He only made it 16 hours through his 2-day fasting goal. To be honest, though, I doubt I could do much better.

As we were airing the place out when we got back, we were just about to go for a bike ride when Virginia was going by. I guess she and Bob were good friends with the couple that lived here because she went to Gene’s funeral when he died on April 15th at age 95. She said it was just family and them at the funeral and that Audrey’s really frail now and all that. She probably won’t last much longer. You know how it often is with those who have been married forever. They would’ve celebrated their 67th anniversary, according to the obit, and they had 5 kids, 8 grandkids and 3 great-grandkids. All that and not one of them could help keep this damn house clean?

Even though I was annoyed with how messy they left the house, believing that if they were too old to keep up on it then someone should’ve helped them (after all, they did have kids), I feel bad for them. I felt bad for them a year ago, knowing that they weren’t moving because they wanted to or because they got sick of living here. I can just imagine how they must’ve felt leaving a home they loved for 15 years, knowing they were going to die soon enough. Audrey must be absolutely miserable now.

It’s kind of funny to know that she probably told Bob and Virginia how much younger we are before they moved, and they were probably concerned at first. I would be too, if I was in my 80s and looking at getting neighbors nearly 40 years younger than me.

Sooo, July 10th was a very emotional day for us all, them in a bad way, us in a good way, although they left a couple of weeks before we got in here. At this time last year, the house was empty. Either way, I STILL can’t believe we’re homeowners again.

What was strange was that because they get up early, Virginia actually wanted to ask us if their washer and dryer in their utility area bothered us since we’re not “old and deaf” like everyone else here, haha.

What utility area? And no, we never hear it; just their vehicle. Funny how she waits a year to ask us, LOL. I did tell her I wondered if they were moving because they came and went a lot. She said she had cataract surgery.

THURSDAY, JULY 3, 2014
I had a dream that Tom and I escaped a madman on a tiny island somewhere. There were only a few hundred people on the island and I guess some guy suddenly got a little trigger-happy. He said that was Game One and that Game Two would be carried out in a few days if anyone was still alive. He hadn’t decided yet if he would kill the survivors or let them go.

Everyone started screaming and scattered off in different directions. One guy’s wife hurt her foot while running and Tom and I helped him get her onto the guy’s private plane which we all flew out in.

Safely back at home I checked in on Facebook and saw someone writing how glad they were to know I’d made it back alive and that the violence I had to have witnessed must’ve been a real nightmare and all that.

Then Tom entered the room to tell me the guy’s plans for Game Two had finally been revealed in the news. The guy was going to kill off any survivors before the cops intervened. So if we hadn’t been able to fly away, we’d have been hunted down and killed if no one had managed to contact the police in time, and I guess this was tricky because cell phones didn’t work there and there weren’t many landlines.

Love these Emoji symbols someone told me about, though they don’t work everywhere.

Things still aren’t running as smoothly as I’d like. Online work is going too slow (it’s an up-and-down thing), bees are still getting in, spiders are invading the place at night, and I’m PMSing. I’m up a pound and a half and while my logical side says it’s water, it makes me doubt once again whether or not I can get any real weight off. I probably won’t. Sure thought I would for a minute there, though.

Right now I just wish every place we live in didn’t have to have bug issues. I don’t miss living in a cold climate, but I never had to deal with this shit back east. Never. Yet every single fucking place I’ve had in the West has had problems with spiders, bees, ants, crickets… something. Tonight’s home invader, besides another bee, is a silverfish. Those aren’t as creepy, but they’re still not welcome and we’re still going to bomb the hell out of this place tomorrow morning.

Not only do I worry we may never find where the bees are coming in and that they may never figure out my female problems, but my memory isn’t sharpening back up as much as I’d like. I have to leave notes for myself and I still forget shit more than I should. I forget where I put things. I forget things I’ve already told people. I forget names, numbers, and other things. I could tell myself it’s just age, but I know damn well that not only is 48 not “old,” but it is connected to the Hashimoto’s. People are ignorant, though, so I don’t mention it to many people. You know how they are – if you can’t keep a schedule it just really means you’re lazy. If you’re fat you’re a pig. If you can’t remember things you just don’t care or you’re not listening and paying attention. I gave up on trying to explain myself to people a long time ago. You can tell someone the facts but you can’t make them get it. Besides, who do we owe any explanations to as adults anyway?

Tom worked on the car yesterday and said it was harder than he expected and wasn’t sure he did everything correctly or not, although the car ran smoothly when he did a test drive around the block. He’ll take it to work today and see how it does. Meanwhile, we’re both grateful the Ford is so incredibly reliable. It should’ve overheated and even broke down, but nope. We talked about giving it to a junkyard and making more room in the carport for other things, but now we’re not so sure we want to give up such a reliable car. We’d have had to rent something for a few days without it.

Speaking of cars, I really get sick of hearing next door come and go so much. Sometimes I don’t hear them, and they never wake me up when I’m on nights, but it’s still a bit of an annoying distraction. They pulled the car out of the garage yesterday morning and I wondered just what the hell they were doing in the garage that they wanted it out of the way. I didn’t hear any annoying tools or other sounds coming from over there, so who knows. An hour later they took off somewhere for what was probably their first of several trips in and out. I was getting into bed at that time. When they just jump in and go it’s no big deal. But when they slam doors without going anywhere (loading up stuff?), it gets old. I’m just amazed people in their 80s can have so much energy and be so active. I also don’t get how they can not want to take a day off here and there. If I was a driver I know I’d have days where I wouldn’t feel like going anywhere and where I’d just want to relax at home.

All in all, I’m surprised at just how much traffic goes by in front. There’s got to be only 25-30 houses around this block yet you won’t go more than 5 minutes in the daytime without seeing someone drive by.

Later…

When am I going to learn that forgiving someone is the dumbest thing I could do? Well, I’m done for good with Alison! I’ve had it with her hiding things from me. I don’t know if I can go so far as to say I’m pissed. I don’t think I even feel hurt. I think if anything I’m not surprised and so I’ve acknowledged and resigned myself to the fact that some people are simply liars by omission.

Out of curiosity, I thought I’d check Molly’s Twitter rants and found that she, Kim and Aly are all best buds once again. You know, the trolls she would “never again give any more worthless chances to?” So why did she conveniently neglect to tell me about this cozy little threesome? Well, I think the answer’s obvious – because I not only would tell her she’s crazy to even think of associating with them (although it’s her life, her right, and her stupidity as I told her) but because she would probably worry that I was worried she was feeding them information about me that’s none of these sickos’ business. I would too, if we were friends. Now that I’ve dropped her, I don’t give a fuck what she tells them, and I know damn well that if she can give me info about them, she can give them info about me, and why not? Why should she or would she spare them info that she’s willing to give to me? If she can give me Kim’s address (assuming it’s really hers), she can give her mine.

No wonder Molly hasn’t been whining in her blog about missing Alison, though; because they’ve been friends all along.

I see she’s already bitching about Kim asking the same damn questions as she always used to. Yeah, that’s because she’s so many people in one. Or at least pretending to be. I don’t think Aly gets the MPD thing, but that’s her problem.

As for letting her know why I was dumping her, I wasn’t even going to give her that much, but I did send a quick message. If she wastes time with replies I’ll mark them as spam unread. I deleted her on Facebook, and no, I’m not going to run and hide either. I’m not going to mark all my blogs private just because they may want to see how much of their true colors I’m exposing.

It isn’t her taste in friends that’s driven me away but the lies. And yes, she is basically a liar for not telling me. I could kick myself for believing she dropped the nutjobs forever. She obviously has an addiction to crazy skitzos and spoiled excuse queens and will probably be friends with them on and off all her life. Fine. Again, she has a right to pick and choose her own friends. But I’m not going to buy for a minute that she’s not returning the favor and supplying them with info. A liar by omission is still a liar and the trust is 100% completely and totally gone. Oh, I’m sure she’d have the perfect explanation for why she’s friends with them again and that she’d swear she hasn’t told them a damn thing about me, but you know what? I don’t want to hear it. I don’t care and I don’t want to hear from her again. She can have the crazies!

Normally I wouldn’t care if you had friends I didn’t care for, but these people are just too damn crazy. Like potentially dangerously crazy. If you’re even remotely connected to them, I don’t want a damn thing to do with you. Especially if you can’t tell me about it and you have no problem divulging information about people you know they would otherwise not want you divulging.

Peeked in on Mary, too. It’s still shopping away her bad boy’s money. Probably knocked up now, too.

Later…

I asked a handful of other my-diary writers if they too, receive nasty feedback at times (I got a message yesterday telling me I was an evil spawn, blah, blah, blah), wanting to get a sense of whether or not this is common or if I’m being singled out and targeted for some reason. Many have said that yes, they too, get some really mean, rude stuff at times. I guess I shouldn’t be too surprised. If people can hide in the shadows of anonymity, they’ll spew all kinds of negative shit.

My NC visitor did return to Blogger the next day, but if it’s Maliheh, she hasn’t picked up my mail. I don’t think it is her and I think she’s ignoring my message. She could’ve just not checked her mail or disabled cookies, but I think she finally got sick of reading my messages, not that I often send them. I just wanted to see if I could get a match on my NC reader.

I’m at the point where I’m seriously considering deleting my nieces on Facebook. I don’t want anyone on my list who truly doesn’t want to be there. I commented on her profile picture and I got not a word in response.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 2, 2014
OMG, what a spookfest in here! We’re bombing for damn sure this weekend. How do you drown a spider down your shower drain in SCALDING hot water, then watch it climb back up just minutes later??? :((( CREEPY! After I post this I suppose I should go see if I need to drown the 8-legged bastard again. Maybe three time is the charm in this case.

Just spotted another one on the hall ceiling, but fortunately, Tom was there to get the damn thing. Friday morning we’re gonna blow these fuckers up.

As for the bees, I was dismayed to hear Tom say he counted 8 dead panel bees instead of 6 when he pulled the panels down to dump the casualties. He taped up the one that’s broken so that if they are still coming in where we think they’re coming in from, they will remain inside the panels till he can spray more foam in that area.

Tammy left a message and said her medical books are packed but as far as she knows, they have to find out if it’s a virus or a bacteria and that antibiotics don’t usually work. Well, then HOW do they treat it? I asked her on Facebook and she said she’d leave me a message.

I just want to know why each and every appointment leads to more appointments! A dental checkup leads to cavity appointments, ears lead to unnecessary hearing tests, eyes lead to an OH/specialist, blood work leads to broken thyroids, and now a pussy probe leads to biopsies and ultrasounds! Argh! :(

At least I lost another pound, though I’m still sleeping shitty. I kept waking up constantly and was up for two hours before I could fall back asleep yesterday. Tom thinks the melatonin is messing me up and that after a few days of backing off of it, I’ll sleep better. I hope he’s right!

“Nervous” returned from the dead last night, pissed me off, then made me beat his ass down good. He was an annoying guy who was kind of obsessed with me when I was in my 20s and he was in his 40s. He died of a heart attack in his 50s in the 90s. After I beat him up I bent his arms behind his back and tied them like shoelaces.

Then I went to pee and saw the water in the toilet was all discolored. A warning?

TUESDAY, JULY 1, 2014
When someone pointed out that eating yogurt can help with female problems it hit me that the burning and itching hasn’t been as bad since I started eating these 80-calorie yogurts again. Maybe I should keep up the habit.

I’m still feeling a bit overwhelmed with all the medical stuff going on. Female problems, OH, cavities, hypothyroidism, high cholesterol, ear issues… am I forgetting anything? Oh well, nothing’s killed me yet.

Meanwhile, I hope the bees won’t be back today. I don’t think they will. Tom really sealed the hell out of the only areas they could’ve gotten in from. The spiders took over when the bees quit, so we’re definitely going to bomb first chance we get. Really hate it, though, when I spot a spider, run to get something to kill it with, then find it gone when I return. I got one in the bedroom, but the 8-legged bastard in the living room is still hiding.

It was a bit creepy walking under the bee graveyard when I went into the kitchen, but Tom will eventually pull the panels down and get them out of there. I’m actually glad for the drop-down ceiling because it helped contain them. If not for that they’d be all over the house.

Even though it aggravated my knee a bit, I went for a much-needed bike ride at midnight. It was so nice threading through the streets in the dead of night when all the world was asleep. Or most of it anyway. I rode for about 20 minutes. The dog on the other side of the circle didn’t go off on me like it did at 11pm last night. I’d be sooo pissed if I lived next door. They obviously don’t allow it indoors much. It’s penned up in back of their carport most of the time.

The internet vigilante contacted me again. She is showing up on my tracker, too. She’s coming up as being in a place called Lake Mary, Florida. I’m going to avoid her whenever possible because she comes off as very vengeful. Even she’s admitted to stalking, bashing, harassing and seeking revenge on people before, and something about helping put people away for those Nigerian and other scams.

It’s ironic that as soon as she reaches out to me my North Carolina visitor stops coming to Blogger. I asked Miss Vigilante if she was over there, but she said she only read my bio on Prosebox. Strange how no time is registering on the visitor log. It doesn’t take just a minute or two to read my bio.

Curious to see if Maliheh may be my North Carolina visitor, though she’d have to have moved quite a ways from Fayetteville, I sent her a bullshit message which I coded saying that one of her friends on Facebook contacted me. Nothing in any part of NC has appeared on my visitor log yet.

---

Last updated August 24, 2024