May 2014 in 2010s

SATURDAY, MAY 31, 2014
Today’s been one of those fun days where I’m happy to be alive and bursting with energy, both physically and mentally. A stark contrast to last night’s poverty dreams, but I’m glad I’m only impoverished in my dreams and not in real life.

“We have a beautiful home in a beautiful park, we just bought a Caddy, and we have thousands in savings, so why do I still have these dreams?” I asked Tom.

“Because that’s what’s on your mind these days,” he said.

He’s probably right, too. That’s just good old PTSD for you. When life isn’t actually beating me up, I worry that it will once again do just that someday. As Tom reminded me, though, nothing will be ok forever for one day we will get old or sick and we’re going to die.

I don’t remember both dreams, but in one we were so broke we could barely afford food. I struggled to make the food last and wouldn’t eat unless I was desperate. We had 3 cats, too. Normally we didn’t let them outdoors, but we were so broke that when they went to the door begging to be let out, we let them out in hopes that they’d find their own food so we didn’t have to buy them any.

Anyway, I got up at 10am and walked around the block a few times. Then we went to Raley’s to pick up a few things. He didn’t go shopping today like he usually does because he forgot his wallet, LOL. The last thing he wanted to do was deal with Walmart later on in the day, so he’ll go early tomorrow morning before I get up.

Riding in the Caddy is always an adventure. The stereo sounds divine and it’s cool watching the digital compass in the rearview mirror tell us what direction we’re facing. I suppose most cars have that these days, though.

Same for the backup warning. In back on the roof are these 3 lights that light up the closer you get to something you’re backing up to. I forget the distance, but the first light lights up when you’re about 5’, then the second when you’re closer, then the third turns red and flashes really fast when you’re just a few inches away from something.

We copied some of my songs and pics onto my new smartphone and then downloaded a running app for it. Runtastic, it’s called. I’m just not sure the armband you slip it in will be very comfortable. It’s a bit big for my pants pocket, though, and my running skirt/shorts don’t have pockets. Technology is fun and useful, but such a bitch at times, too. I almost wish for the days when things were simple.

Tom was going to do the 30-day ab challenge with me but won’t be able to do it cuz as he learned, his upper ab muscle is “broken.” If you’ve ever been pregnant or super fat, the ab muscles split, and while it wouldn’t harm anything to do things like crunches and sit-ups, it makes it worse so it looks funny. There are other exercises Tom’s going to be doing.

Besides broken muscles, something’s determined to hex my jewelry lately. First my ankle bracelet broke, and now one of my toe rings is broken, too. Maybe I shouldn’t get such cheap stuff.

There’s a house for sale here for 125k! The economy must be improving, but there are also some really super nice and spacious homes in this park.

Tom has to stop by the office to get the gate clicker reprogrammed cuz apparently they changed the code. They do that periodically to give us a little extra security. Even though this isn’t Sun City, it would be easy to think we’re all loaded here, though I suppose some might be. Even I feel loaded compared to how we lived a few years ago.

Tom’s on Amazon picking out his birthday present with the money I made online over the last month. It feels good to have worked for the money so he can pick out what he wants, even though I know my love would be enough of a present for him.

Later…

If anyone has a problem with the bitchfest I’m about to unleash, too bad! I need to vent. Badly.

As I mentioned before, I noticed a few days ago a huge jump in loud car stereos, most of which are outside the park. Today there were at least 3 that were definitely inside the park. No doubt about it. An hour ago I heard the loudest one ever. It was horrible… thump, thump, thump… just like we were back in Phoenix or Oregon all over again. Like a giant fist pounding the walls of our house. Worse is that it didn’t just drive by, it was sitting somewhere. Whoever it was has to live here (unless they were guests that were leaving), because the gates were locked at the time.

Hell, I can’t even go a half-hour without hearing one of these things! What the fuck’s going on all of a sudden and why does every single fucking place I ever move to get progressively noisier? A few places, like a couple of projects I once lived in, were always rocking, but I see a definite pattern that’s hard to deny even if they ARE a common problem from what I read online. They’re fucking everywhere. So much so I was shocked when Andy said he never hears them where he lives. Makes me wonder if that’s one of the rare areas where they’re illegal.

Other than where he lives, nobody does shit about them anywhere. Judges have thrown out requests to limit them and it’s like the stereo blaster’s rights are protected. There is no such thing as disturbing the peace when it’s car stereos. A few places will ticket you, but the blasters are perfectly willing to pay the measly 30-dollar fine. Why? Because they’re desperate to get your attention and they already spent hundreds for the damn system in the first place. So what’s a lousy 30 bucks? The whole point of it is to be heard. Makes them feel in control and like they’re controlling you, cuz in a sense, when they penetrate your walls with their music, that’s exactly what they’re doing; they’re forcing you to listen to them. Sadly, there are that many people out there so insecure and hell-bent on control that they’ll spend 100s of dollars to gain some of that “power” they’re so lacking. Even an article I read that mentioned possibly getting fined said, “Still ‘not scared of the police?’” Well, you might want to be of potential thieves, they also said. After all, you’re basically announcing it every time you come and go, thus enabling one to easily learn when the best time is to steal the fucking thing, but people often think they’re invincible. Where I worry all the time about bad things happening, everyone else hasn’t a care or a fear in the world until the shit actually does hit their little fans.

But is noise really a common problem that most people have to deal with, or is it rather extreme with me? I don’t know if I’m right in assuming there’s a “noise curse” of sorts on me or if there really are that many loud, rude, obnoxious, inconsiderate assholes out there. After all, Andy does hear enough other shit at his place. I don’t hear barking and brats here, but I wonder if that too, is just a matter of time. Landscapers and home improvement noise in the daytime, stereos at night… if you can’t get any peace in a 55+ park, where CAN you get it? Tammy’s in a low-income place in the mainstream and it’s quiet there. I’m in a retirement community and I’m now not only hearing things in the daytime – especially weekdays – but now I’m hearing shit at night, too!

I hate to admit it, but Jesse’s place was quieter in some ways. 99% of the noise there was him and his mutts. Otherwise, it was WAY quieter. But we could never afford the type of land Jesse’s got that’s situated in such a hilly spot that blocks them so well.

It’s sad because I used to be able to count on at least the nights being quiet here, but now I don’t even have that much. Maybe it’ll back off in the winter, but I have a feeling it’s only going to get worse overall. When has a place ever gotten quieter? It just doesn’t usually work that way. Noise levels go up, not down.

I’m guessing the park recently started allowing them in as they did motorcycles a while back, and why not? They’re just as loud. Like Tom said, even though Andy and I think senior living should be about peace and quiet, it’s mostly about being with people your own age. So I doubt anyone will complain or that it’d do them any good if they did. sighs Just gotta live with it like in Oregon, even if it’s incredibly distracting and annoying. Plus, that’s one more thing that could wake me up and I gotta wonder what they’re going to allow in here next - dogs to be left outdoors 24/7? Kids to move in? They bitch about a couple of cats on the loose, but it’s ok to disturb the peace all you want??? WTF? This world is beyond twisted. I have a greater risk of getting fined and even jailed for writing that I hate Arabs because they’re violent animals than I ever could have of blasting a car stereo at all hours of the day and night. Great world we live in, huh?

FRIDAY, MAY 30, 2014
Got the monthly newsletter and in it, they complain of loose cats. rolls eyes Oh, please! That’s nothing compared to all the landscaping and home improvement racket going on, not to mention the uptick in car stereos lately. I don’t think they’re coming from inside the park, though. But why are there so many of them all of a sudden? I used to hear one occasionally, but yesterday was as bad as Oregon only at a distance. I heard them constantly even late into the night. Some were idling as opposed to moving. I’d like to think that if they were anywhere in the park they wouldn’t put up with that. Tom doesn’t think they would, but people seem to have a strange sense of what should be complained about and what shouldn’t be. I’ve seen something like one loose cat go by the house. Big deal. Rarely do I see loose cats when I’m out running. Yet it’s ok to hammer, drill, saw, blow, mow, and trim up a storm nearly every single day???

As for the thunderous car stereos, it’s sad that after all these years the damn things are still legal. And as is the case with most technology, it only advances with time and so they continue to get louder and louder. But that’s our fucked up country for you. We allow for a lot of shit to occur while we have other laws and ordinances that are just plain ridiculous.

I finished the last of the cleaning and setting things back up. I’m glad that much is over. I almost felt like we were moving in all over again.

I like having my desk further away from the rats when they’re active at night. This way the attention whores don’t pester me as much. I let them all run around last night and what a handful they are! I had to guide Sugar and make sure he didn’t get hurt, all the while Romeo wanted to sneak up and playfully nip me (too hard), while Hoodie ran off to get into whatever he could get into.

Avondale spiders. Those were in fact the nightmares Tom and I saw a few times down in Arizona. I still can’t believe Andy never saw the things. They were straight out of a Stephen King movie. In fact, they were used in the movie Arachnophobia. They’re also known as Huntsman spiders. They’re huge, fast, scary-looking, and native to Australia and New Zealand. They’re harmless, but at 4-8 inches, I don’t give a shit how harmless they may be.

THURSDAY, MAY 29, 2014
The writing challenges I was doing were 30 days long, but I’m not up to having to think any harder than I already do on other writing jobs I do, plus other things. Instead, I will be participating in a 30-day ab challenge. It won’t be much of a challenge for me because my core is pretty strong, but I’ve definitely been slacking off lately. I doubt I’ll ever have flat abs again at this age, but the stronger they are the fewer backaches I have.

I tell people Tom’s stronger but I’m smarter. Well, I don’t know that I’m literally smarter since he knows an awful lot about other things; things I’m not interested in or good at. The one part of me that’s definitely stronger than him is my core. He’s got the arms and the legs, I’ve got the core, speed, endurance and energy. :) I love to rub this in too, LOL, but he has no problem admitting I’m fitter. It’s just too bad this bum thyroid won’t let me strip 30-40 pounds of fat. :(

I slept long and well last night and my schedule even jumped nearly 6 hours.

Had a chat with Tammy and she totally understood when I said I unfollowed the girls cuz I was sick of hearing about their father. I won’t get into why I hate him, but let’s just say it’s something big enough to be unforgivable. My sister hates him too, but for different reasons. I asked Tammy not to tell them and she agreed. No need to hurt anyone’s feelings, after all. I like that we can unfollow anyone who annoys us without actually deleting them, and I have deleted a few. Feed flooders, repetitious posters, religious fanatics, etc.

Anyway, Tammy said she understood and that she listened to the girls when they went on and on about his condition, but she did it for their sake only. Well, his “condition” is that his cancer has spread from the kidneys to the lungs to the liver. As soon as she said the magic word, “liver,” I knew the wife/child beater would be toast soon enough. It’s now got 6-20 months left based on what I read. I guess this is the kind of cancer that like with my brother, spreads so fast that by the time you’re onto it, it can’t respond to treatment. So we’ll both have mixed emotions when he finally goes. We’ll feel terrible for the girls, but we’ll be laughing amongst ourselves.

Andy’s going to take the train from Oakland to Auburn in late November and then his sisters are picking him up the next day. Wow, I’m surprised they’d make the drive up here. They’re all going to go to a Fleetwood Mac concert in Sacramento before taking off.

No landscapers anywhere today, but someone was hammering. Again? What do they think these houses are, old and rundown?

Was saddened to learn that Alison lost both her job and her apartment after being in the hospital for 24 days. Why aren’t there any laws securing people’s jobs and homes that are in the hospital long term? That’s outrageous that people should lose things like that due to circumstances out of their control.

Andy said if she were really an FBI employee her job would’ve been secured. I don’t doubt that she was the analyst she said she was. Even if I hadn’t seen that news vid, it was just about enough in all the years we’ve talked, though she didn’t “talk” much about it because they’re not allowed to discuss cases they’re investigating. She worked in the sex crimes unit and found it very depressing. I asked Tom if he agreed with Andy and he said no because there was probably more to her being let go than just the time she missed. I agree. Aly’s also been battling clinical depression and who knows what else. Prayer hasn’t worked for her any more than it has for me, and well, something up there definitely seems to have had it in for her for a long time now. She’s determined to fight it, though, and to see better days ahead. I hope so for her sake. She could really use a break. For now, I’m glad she could move in with her parents even if she doesn’t always get along with her mom.

The two dreams I remember from last night were negative, as usual. One was common for me and it doesn’t take a genius to figure it’s probably because I fear falling into poverty again someday, even though we’re a lot smarter about saving money than we used to be, and would like to think the economy could never get so bad again before he retires. We could retire at 62 but would be struggling. We’d be fine at 66, but ideal at 70.

Anyway, in the dream I was at some couple’s house. They were such nice people, too. I don’t know who they were or how I knew them. I didn’t seem to know Tom in the dream. They had a party one night and I helped them cater to their guests. I don’t know if they had any kids or if anyone else lived with them, but was determined to see if I could stay with them because I was homeless. I had planned to tell them about my situation after the party but broke down in tears in the kitchen after bringing a tray of dirty dishes into it. The guy saw me and I tried to explain why I was homeless and about my sleep problems, but didn’t think he was comprehending much of what I said because there was so much commotion going on around us.

In the second dream, Sugar either got outside somehow or I was dumb enough to let him out. After a while of his not returning home, I asked Tom if he thought he was still alive out there and he said no. I woke up feeling sad and guilty for letting him die out there alone.

WEDNESDAY, MAY 28, 2014
Had a dream I was in a basement somewhere with my childhood friend, Jessie. Suddenly, a couple of polar bears appeared. We both froze in our tracks and when she began to speak I said, “Shhh!”

There we stood frozen stiff until I actually fell asleep. When I awoke, Jessie and the bears were gone. I ran upstairs to tell Tom about it, but he didn’t believe me at first. “They must’ve gotten in during the party,” I told him, and then he realized that was in fact possible.

In another dream, I was to be staying somewhere, against my will as usual. The “jail” looked like a giant room and I wasn’t sentenced yet for whatever crime I was supposed to have committed. I only knew it had something to do with the black bitch in Arizona, and yes, I did say “black” bitch. I’m tired of it being ok for them to call us white bitch, white this, white that, while it’s never ok for us. I’m not against the “Do unto others as you’d have done unto you” thing, but I am very much against double standards. So if you have a problem with it… tough! :)

In the dream, I was worried I could end up doing a total of a year for that shitster, regardless of its color, between years ago and now. Then I spotted the big fat Mexican who was also involved in railroading me and was suddenly terrified. She was bossing others around who seemed scared of her and I knew she could break me in half. I wondered just how she’d react if she recognized me.

I went and told one of the guards who she was and why I was afraid, and they told me not to do anything about it should she burn me in any way. In other words, my dream self knew, it wouldn’t get me anywhere but in deeper shit with her.

Later…

The master suite is now clean. Tomorrow I’ll hit the kitchen, then the living room the next day. Then again, I may tackle the living room today cuz I’m sick of everything being crammed onto the shelves. I want to set things back up. It’s a bright sunny day, I’m wide awake; might as well get it done today.

Tom got us some clear plastic mats to put under our chairs. It’s still a bit hard to roll them around but not as hard as it was before.

He had fun at the company BBQ yesterday but didn’t win any raffles. They might have lunch at the casino next week.

No home improvement projects or landscapers to listen to today as of yet, but I’m annoyed by the rise of loud car stereos I’ve been hearing. Are they coming into the park lately, or are the damn things just getting louder?

TUESDAY, MAY 27, 2014
I still worry that after all the work we put into this place we’ll end up losing it someday. What happened a few years ago really fucked with my head and did a number on it to the point that I now see things differently than I used to. I worry about the things I never gave a second thought to in the past. But just like with other stressful, scary, and traumatic experiences, I’m determined not to let it stop me from living my life. If I see something I really like or need and I have the money for it, I get it. And you know that bit about things happening for a reason and some higher power planning our fate and destinies? Well, screw that shit, too. It’s my life and I will decide my future. I can’t stop a meteorite from hitting the planet or make my thyroid come back to life, but I’m definitely going to be taking the driver’s seat of my life whenever possible. It’s not going to be up to “fate,” “destiny,” “God,” or any vindictive assholes that think I’ve crossed them, thus giving them the right to get me back for it, if they’re not just plain crazy.

Meanwhile, with acceptance comes new activewear, yay! We grabbed a breakfast platter at Jack-n-the-Box, then went to Target. The other day I said to myself, face it, girl, your rolls aren’t going anywhere. They’re yours for life no matter how hard you diet or bust your ass working out.

I actually almost quit working out altogether, but I really don’t want to fall out of shape either. I want to be ready for anything physical that comes my way, like all the activity when we vacationed in Hawaii. That would’ve left me unable to walk the next day had I not been in shape, and well, I don’t want the joint pain back and I don’t want to get all out of breath just from cleaning the house. Lastly, if I quit working out I’ll gain a few pounds a month instead of a few a year. I don’t want that either.

So I got two tank tops, one in neon yellow and the other in hot pink. Tom likes the neon yellow cuz he knows drivers will see me better in it. I also got long pants and these shorts with a skirt over it sort of like what the tennis players wear. They’re all a size L with the skirt/shorts being an XL, and yes, they’re a bit loose around the waist, but they have a drawstring that snugs them up. I just don’t like tight clothes. They are snug elsewhere, though, since I have a fat ass and full hips, haha.

Gotta get new running sneakers one of these days, too. I have enough T-shirts and sweatshirts that are suitable for the cooler months. I wasn’t lacking in tanks, but thought the two I got were too cool-looking to pass up. The pants will last longer than my baggy old sweats and shorts will. These pants are snug, almost like tights, so that’s why they’re great for running. The material doesn’t rub together as much this way when your legs are scissoring back and forth. The pants are dark charcoal gray – almost black – and the skirt/shorts are black with deep purple.

The tanks are slightly loose in the chest near the armpits but fit snugly across my midsection.

I’ll write about what else I got later. For now, I need to start cleaning and putting this place back in order now that the new and wonderful carpet is installed – finally!

Later…

Finally decided what I want to do as far as mentions of Molly in my blogs. I’m not letting anything be public from this year on. Again, that’s what she’s looking for and what she wants. No sense in sweating over deleting old stuff since she’s already seen it, but I’m not going to let her see that it annoys me to see she’s still coming around. That’ll make her pay more attention to me, not less. It isn’t just a mention of herself she’s looking for, but any word on Alison as well.

Speaking of Alison, why do I get the feeling this lack of contact goes beyond all her problems? Really, if she doesn’t want to be friends, why doesn’t she just say so. I already gave her my word that I wouldn’t say anything negative about her in my blog. Really hope she’s not friends again with Molly or Kim and only sticking around to fill them in on what’s up with me.

Got some cleaning done and am still loving this carpet. As cruel as it may sound to outsiders who don’t know the situation, my parents need to come back to life and let me kill them once a year or so to keep the payments coming. Really, they’ve been much more helpful to me dead than alive.

The only negative thing about this carpet is that it’s very coarse to the touch and it’s hard to roll my chair over it. We looked for one of those plastic sheets you put under office chairs when we were in Target but didn’t find any.

The floor was structurally sound, in case I forgot to say, and the workers said most of the nail strips were in good condition. They only had to replace one tiny section that had gotten wet and rotted out.

We did get me a new smartphone like his that was on sale for $50. It’s a lot nicer than that old cell I was using. I’m sure I’ll use it more for playing music and fitness apps when out running than I will for calling anyone.

I also got a cute doll for just $18 that’s regularly $40. At first glance, I thought it was an American Girl doll which I was surprised to see priced so low, even on sale. On sale, you’re lucky to find one of those for under $60. I think it’s a knock-off (Our Generation) that makes lookalike dolls, though the molds are amazingly similar when I compared “Holly” to pics of AG dolls online. Anyway, Holly’s not very realistic, but she is cute. She’s a green-eyed vinyl doll with long straight blond hair. Her body is stuffed. Her eyes close when you lay her down. LOL, I don’t think I’ve had a doll with closing eyes since I was a kid. She’s definitely more geared towards kids than adult collectors, but I don’t care. She wears a bold pink dress, black tights and pale pink furry boots that are adorable. I polished her nails hot pink. I’d like a brunette with bangs to go with her someday. I’m surprised she has rooted hair. I would’ve guessed an 18” doll this size would be wigged.

I checked out a doll from the Springfield Collection that was just $20, but when I saw this Asian doll by Adora Friends, I definitely had to put her in my cart, even though she was $54.

I also got my toe ring last week and now both feet have a toe ring on the toes next to the big toes. It’s not as nice as my wideband infinity swirl and it definitely sparkled more online, but it’s still nice. Just wish my ankle bracelet hadn’t broken.

Hoodie’s obsessed with “inspecting” my fingers and hands. It’s a good thing he’s gentle, unlike Romeo.

Really getting sick of hearing people’s home improvement projects around here. Today it was installing a new AC across the street. They aren’t nearly as annoying as the landscapers, though. What’s annoying (besides them) is when next door parks in their driveway and gets door slammy on me like they did just now. Shook the whole living room and even the metal figure skaters in the windows rattled. Most of the time they come and go quietly, but at least 1 of their 3-5 times going out they really let me know it. And again, where is a couple in their 80s going so damn often??? They only pull into the garage when they know they’re not going out again for the day, so that will probably be when they return in an hour or two. They usually do most of their coming and going between 8 am - noon.

I’m still behind in my writing, but managed to proofread a couple of chapters of my book today.

What I don’t get is why all the fatigue lately? I’m normally a pretty energetic person, yet I’m tiring down early these days and still not sleeping well. I wake up after 4 hours of sleep, then once or twice an hour from there on out. Still averaging 8 hours, but haven’t slept 10 hours like I usually do when I get overly tired in quite a while now. I usually don’t start tiring down till I’ve been up about 14 hours, then I’ll go read for a couple of hours before I crash. But lately, I’m tiring down 10-12 hours after I’ve been up. WTF? I’m under NO stress right now, I’m not sick, so I don’t know why I’m so tired lately. My life is AWESOME now.

The tall pink flowers in the bedroom look the absolute best. I still have pink tulips to put in the bathroom once it’s painted, and I’m waiting on two giant roses. After that, I probably won’t get that many more wall stickers. As big as this place is, I’ve only got so much space for them. I put some old traditional wall hangings in Tom’s room. A large print of a sexy Indian woman across from the bed, and a couple of small sunsets with palm trees at the sides of the bed.

It’s nice to know we can do the rest of the painting and the flooring at our leisure and there’s no hurry like there was with the carpet and painting the areas over the old carpet. Painting a room this big with brand-new carpet would make me very nervous.

I’m behind on documenting dreams as well, but I’ve taken notes. Let’s see… in one dream I was standing in a small room in which an old bedridden man lay in bed talking to a woman that stood right by his bedside. I don’t know who they were or why I ran, but I suddenly turned and bolted from the room. As I headed out, I heard the old man say, “You better go,” and knew he was telling the girl he should go after me.

Sure enough, she pursued me down a long corridor. She was running about as fast as I was and the next thing I knew, I realized I had something breakable in my hand (a mug or a glass?) so I tossed it in her direction to slow her down. I awoke as it shattered on the floor.

In another dream, some woman (my old dental assistant in Arizona?) was proposing to me, and in another, I wrote an entry about having affairs with two different women and how I was looking forward to all the fun, LOL. One of my followers commented saying that while it may seem exciting and adventurous at first, it could lead to a lot of chaos and confusion in the future.

MONDAY, MAY 26, 2014
Loving our new Nomad carpet! What a long, hot tiring day it was, though. It just had to be nearly 100° out. The rats and I were melting. I still prefer heat to cold, though.

The installers were supposed to arrive between 8:00 and 10:00 and work for 2-4 hours. Instead, they arrived at noon and worked for 6 hours. The original installer’s van broke down, as our shit luck would have it. Thank goodness we didn’t have to reschedule altogether. That really would’ve pissed us off having to put back all the shit we moved, take time off from work, then move the shit all over again.

The guys did a great job and what I saw of the process was interesting and educational. You don’t realize just how much work goes into it! It’s not just a matter of yanking out old carpet and then just tossing the new carpet down. There’s so much prep work involved as well.

We watched from the carport looking into the dining room window as the guy started in the living room while his son started in the master bedroom. They used what looked like skinny spatulas with long handles to gouge up the carpet. First the guy brought up the old metal strips at the edges of the carpet by the front door, then he pulled it up with one hand while cutting strips with the other hand to make it easier to roll up and carry out the old, worn diarrhea brown carpet. The dust it kicked up was like – yuck! The padding beneath was damn near disintegrated. It’s a good thing we had the AC off since we didn’t want to suck all that dust into it. Besides, the guy said it was easier to stretch the new carpet in higher temps anyway and he was used to working in the heat. The house was at 90° by the time they left.

I was right in assuming the carpet was the original that was installed 31 years ago when the house was built. It just seemed way too worn for just 15 years, which is how long the previous owners lived here unless they had a shitload of company in and out every single day. The guy said horsehair was on the back of the carpet and they stopped using that over 15 years ago.

At first I was confused as to why there’d be linoleum until I remembered the fascinating way modular homes are built. We were given a tour of the factory that built our Maricopa home in 1999. They’re built from the bottom up similar to on-site homes. First thing that goes down on the metal frame is the floorboards. Then the flooring is laid, and they usually just slap a huge sheet down that is bigger than the space it’s intended for. Then the walls are erected and then a giant crane picks up and sets the roof down on top. Like most stick homes, it won’t last hundreds and hundreds of years and will collapse in another 75-100 years. We won’t be here, LOL, but I’m sure they’ll yank this thing out of here before it goes down on whoever is.

Anyway, it’s beautiful. looks upward Let’s see you try to take this one away from us. I love the beach sand color and am glad for how perfect it looks. I was a bit worried at first that I went too dark. I’m glad I didn’t go with the crème color I originally considered, though. This Nomad we’ve got brightens up the room without clashing with the wall colors.

After they hauled out the carpet and what was left of the padding, they swept the floors. We’ll need to touch up some paint that got scuffed up a bit, but at least they were nice enough to tell us about it. And to vacuum up the loose fibers when they were done. They didn’t even have the decency to do that in Maricopa after installing the denim blue carpet that was supposed to be champagne pink.

They cut the carpet in the street, LOL. It’s a good thing that street isn’t very busy, but they could go around it if they had to. I’m glad the streets are kept clean too, by those annoying blowers. When they were done a scattering of fibers remained in the street, but the wind and blowers will take care of them.

Fortunately, they finished the master bedroom first and we could start pulling things out of the master bath, including a dresser, fan and the bed. That way I could lay on it with the fan blowing on me even though it still felt pretty hot.

I watched the guy melt the seams. They put this strip of adhesive or glue or whatever it is down, then use an iron of sorts to melt them down. He then uses a roller to press them down, then sets these heavy tiles on the area till it sets.

Not sure I like the gold carpet edging cuz it’s slightly raised. At first I thought the floor beneath it was bowed or something, but nope. It’s the style of the strips. We can change that easily enough if we want to, though they haven’t been a problem so far. Nobody’s tripped on them or anything.

Later…

Due to being busy yesterday I didn’t proofread any of my story or do the 30-Day Writing Challenge I’ve been doing. Maybe later.

The new carpet makes the floors feel more solid, and I had to remember to sort of step up onto it when leaving the kitchen. The old carpet was so worn that it was even with the floors. There was a musty smell present that I attributed to the rats, but maybe part of it was the years of shit being spilled on the carpet. When they lifted a section from the dining room, I could see a huge stain on the underside of it. After 10 months and 2 weeks with the old shit, I’m glad to see it go!

We got a few extra scraps of carpet and I have one piece under the rats’ cage. I moved my desk across the room to the other front corner of the living room. Now maybe the attention whores won’t be begging so much for food and attention if I’m 24’ away. I mostly moved because we wanted to separate my office from what will be a traditional living room set up once we get new furniture.

I’m now wireless like Tom and so far there haven’t been any issues cutting out. I’m closer to next door where I am, but I can still hear their SUV doors on the other side of the room anyway. I was hesitant at first with the way they come and go so many times each day, but most of the time they’re quiet about it and I wouldn’t even know they were coming and going if I didn’t look out and see them. They had company the last couple of days, but they were quiet, too.

There’s a house for sale about 3 houses away going for 90k. The economy is getting better, all right, and I’m sure our place would now cost twice as much if it were for sale now instead of last year.

Anyway, Tom had to saw the bottom of the sliding closet doors in the hallway because they would no longer fit with the carpet being plusher.

I put up some of the decorative wall stickers and they look pretty cool. Tom had to help me with the ivy vines sprouting out of bricks. Not only did he have to hold the sheet while I peeled them off, but I wanted them close to the ceiling and wasn’t tall enough to reach that area.

I’ve got butterflies in the hallway and some flowers, too. Today I intend to put giant pink flowers in the bedroom, and then pink tulips will eventually adorn the base of the master bathroom. That room still needs to be painted, so it will be a while yet. Gotta paint the kitchen, bathrooms and laundry room still, plus redo the floors. I’m glad the bulk of the home improvements are over! The only thing I would change if I were starting over is I’d make the second bedroom pink and the hallway lavender instead of the other way around.

Later…

Ok, now I see that Molly does have another way into my blog without the group home name as the host. But it doesn’t say they’ve got a Mac, and they only went to LiveJournal where she usually goes. So whoever went to Prosebox with a Mac probably still wasn’t connected to her or else she’d be going there every time she went to LiveJournal.

First she appeared under her usual visitor ID, then she came back with another one, but it’s got to be her for sure. Same blog, same operating system, same time frame. Why is she coming around more and more lately? I mean, I knew the cat would eventually be let out of the bag, but still… And how long before she and her twisted mother contact me? They can only do so on Facebook that I know of. Except for on Prosebox, I keep all commenting disabled on other blogs like LiveJournal, Blogger and whatnot. I’m not using my-diary and she shouldn’t know where my Ask account is.

SATURDAY, MAY 24, 2014
I’m an idiot for having too much faith in this medication and getting the dress I got in Hawaii in a medium instead of a large. It still fits fine, but I really thought this medication was going to help me in the end. Had I gotten a large, though, I could’ve enjoyed it longer until the plus sizes became a must.

The carpet now has just a few hours left to live, yay! We’ll start clearing out the rooms in a few hours.

I crashed at 3pm and awoke at 8pm and immediately thought – this is way too early to be up. Then I mentally cussed out God for cursing me with this sleep disorder, wondering just who the hell’s sleep I supposedly fucked with to deserve it, and why everything else I’ve had or have isn’t enough. So then I formed a mental image of an average guy, considered it God, and started kicking and punching like crazy. Eventually, I fell back asleep beating up “God,” and didn’t get up till 11:00. It’s still going to be a long day, but not as long as 8:00 would’ve been. They left a message confirming that they’ll be here between 8am - 10am.

For once I had fun, romantic dreams instead of negative ones. I only had one scary one. But instead of being trapped somewhere – jails, hospitals, hotels and dumpy places, I was young again, living for the moment instead of worrying about the future, and in the beginnings of a serious relationship with a gorgeous woman. I love dreams like this cuz it’s a way of having affairs and adding variety to my life to spice things up without actually stepping out on the one I love.

What was weird about the dream was that I saw it through her eyes as well as my own. The woman was tall and German, though it wasn’t Nane. She had brown hair and blue eyes. She read my journal in which I mentioned wanting to marry her, buy some land somewhere, and buy a modular, which is what I live in in real life (a house built on a steel frame allowing it to be moved).

I knew she read about my dreams and desires but she didn’t know I knew. Sure enough, though, she bought us a few acres on a country hillside and we picked out and designed the modular we wanted, having certain things custom-made to our order.

In the scary dream, I was either living in or temporarily staying in an apartment. At least I think it was an apartment and not a house, which Jesse might’ve owned. It wasn’t dumpy, though. As I was returning from wherever, a guy (security guard?) swiped a card by the door and looked all confused when these green digital letters said: Accessed.

“No one’s been inside, have they?” I asked.

He shrugged and said he didn’t know. I then went inside and noticed certain doors that I’d left open were now shut. I then started shouting, “Who are you?!” as I ran and flung open doors, ready to slam my fist into anyone that may jump out at me.

FRIDAY, MAY 23, 2014
Woke up with some pretty nasty lower back pain as I sometimes do, and I still don’t know what causes it. PMS? My mattress?

I was all set to say “fuck it” to working out, but I do like to get out in the fresh air and stretch my legs. If I don’t, I have joint issues and gain weight faster (though I sometimes wonder if delaying the inevitable is really the smart thing to do), so out I went. Since more isn’t better in my case, 20 minutes is sufficient enough. I made 5 rounds around the circle, which is a mile.

I should increase my abdominal workouts in case that’s what’s fucking up my back. Strong stomach muscles help support the back.

As for the dieting part – no fucking way. I’m not going hungry for nothing. I thought the medication would help me help myself in that department, but I thought wrong. I’ll keep my average of 1500 calories a day.

This old, worn ugly carpet now has less than 40 hours left to live. Yes! It’s been hell pushing my schedule around, but worth it. I look forward to the break I’ll get once it’s in before it’s off to play appointment all over again.

Had a series of weird dreams last night. I got so big I could barely walk, the FBI read my blog, and Tammy told me she once dated Arnold Schwarzenegger, haha.

Then I threw a couple of pairs of underwear in the washer to be washed later on, but the cycle started anyway. Not wanting to waste water on just two pairs of panties, I added some towels to the load as the bin was filling with water.

I was also writing a story longhand in a notebook, promising my dad who was alive again to send him an email since it had been a while, and saying something nasty about someone’s kids through an intercom of sorts in a large building (a hotel?). After I said whatever it was I said I ran through a few short corridors, made some turns, then into what was my apartment or room, and slammed and locked the door. I guess I was afraid the kids’ parents might not like what I had to say or that they’d sic the pigs on me. My dream self thought of wetting my hair and throwing a towel around me and telling anyone who came to question me that I’d been in the shower.

THURSDAY, MAY 22, 2014
I’m in a truly pissy-ass mood right now, so if happy words are what you’re in the mood for today, then this entry isn’t the one to read.

First of all, I’m pushing my schedule around as fast as I can so I won’t be dog-tired on Saturday when they come to install the new carpet. I crashed at 9am, but awoke at just 2pm and was like, you’ve got to be fucking kidding me! So I took both a Melatonin and a Benadryl like an idiot and fell back asleep about an hour later. I slept till 8pm, which is a good thing, but I woke up feeling totally hung over. Groggy as hell, I got up, made coffee, and ate, but couldn’t fully wake myself up. So I laid down and ended up napping for an hour. I’m only just now coming out of the fog. I don’t feel 100% alert and awake, but today’s goal of staying up till at least 11am should be easy enough.

What’s got me frustrated as hell right now is how worthless my medication seems to be against this disease. IDK, maybe my expectations are unreasonable, but it just seems to me that if I’m out there working out for an hour a day AND watching what I eat, my weight should go down. Right?

I’ll wait till my next reading in June, but I have been on the meds for about 4 months now and I think I would know by now if it was going to help me or not. I am truly and honestly sick of watching myself gain nearly a pound from a cup of coffee. No one does that. No one. I feel like I’m in a no-win situation either way. If I diet and exercise I won’t lose weight, and if I stop dieting and exercising I will gain weight, even if I’m still only having about 1500 calories a day. I could probably still lose if I was half-starving but I can’t do that every single day. I need food to live, you know? So it has been a truly frustrating ordeal trying to get myself to accept the inevitable and all that. I’m still a good 50 pounds away from the 200-marker, but someday I will get there whether I like it or not. I just remind myself over and over that millions of people survive life with obesity. SO CAN I. The one thing I can control is how fast I get there. Dieting/running won’t stop me from gaining but it will delay it. Anyway, we can’t change fate and so I just gotta learn to live with it just like I have lived with being short all my life. “Embrace it, accept it, live with it, and use it to your advantage,” I tell myself, should some young skinny punk decide to mess with me. I don’t know why acceptance with this one is coming so slowly to me. Perhaps I’m expecting too much too fast since I haven’t even known about it for 6 months yet.

Another thing that’s got me frustrated – and I hate to sound selfish and insensitive – is having friendships placed on hold due to some of them having so many problems. I know they can’t help it and that it’s not their fault, but sometimes I just want to chat with them or ask their opinion on something and they’re not there. I’m not going to dump them, though, for something that’s out of their control as that would be just plain mean, so I try to look forward to the contact I get from them when they’re between problems, so to speak. Sometimes we just gotta take what time we can get from some people and hope that for their sake they won’t have so many problems someday.

As for my own problem – I just gotta make the best of it. That’s all we can do about anything. Being big isn’t the end of the world. It could be worse, right? Like I could be blind, paralyzed or have terminal cancer. Being big is part of the disease and even the doctor herself did say that the medication wouldn’t make me lose weight. I just thought it would help me is all.

WEDNESDAY, MAY 21, 2014
Right now I’m dismayed that Molly is looking for me once a week, sick of waiting on Alison due to all her problems as selfish as that may sound, and wondering what’s up with Nane.

All Nane said is that in the past few months, she’s had problems with Askim, her job, her mother, and her family, but wouldn’t go into any detail. All she said was that she’d be “all right” again someday. I hate it when people tell me something’s wrong, but don’t say what, leaving me hanging and wondering WTF is up. I knew she’d had problems at work and with Askim, but her family? I thought they were close and got along well.

Thought I’d discuss some things I told my sister in this entry. She wouldn’t mind. Besides, it’s not like it’s any big secret. I’ve mentioned this in my blog before.

She said she didn’t know if it meant anything to me or not, but when she was unpacking and getting set up in her new place, she came upon Mom’s old address book. She took a picture proving that while she herself swears she was clueless as to our whereabouts in Maricopa and his family’s info, mom had Tom’s mom’s address.

No, it doesn’t mean anything, I told her. Meaning that this is no big secret or anything like that. Mom and Dad met his mother in 1997 (his dad died in ‘95) when they drove out to see us. We all met at Red Lobster. They would send holiday cards each year and then when they became estranged to me I asked Tom’s family that they cease any contact they may still have with them because it made me uncomfortable in light of our falling out. His mother and sister were very selfish people so I don’t know if they complied with my wishes or not.

But that’s not the point, as Tammy knows. The point is that no matter who was involved in what, nothing can ever be done to undo the legal hell I went through on account of the vengeful white-hating welfare bums and their corrupt pig pal. No one’s going to pay us back the money we lost on account of them despite being vindicated in May of ‘03, and no one can ever replace the half a year I lost with my husband or undo the emotional anguish I suffered.

I highly doubt that Mom and Dad were aware of the legal nightmare I went through until I told them about it in 2007, but remember, one of the perps WAS a pig. Back then they had resources most civilians didn’t have when it came to finding people. Once found, I was naive to the law and they took advantage of that. All I can say is that these sick fucks taught me a lot about the law, despite the grim circumstances surrounding it, and no one should ever be able to get me in a similar situation in the future. If ever anyone burns us to such a degree again - and I have no qualms about putting this in print - I WILL literally kill them with my bare little hands. Again, I don’t mind saying so in print for anyone to see because I decided years ago that if I’m ever to go down again it will be because of something I truly DID do and not words on paper that I was made to look like I wrote/sent. I normally look down on the idea of revenge and consider it stooping just as low as the instigator, but not if it’s big enough. If someone harmed your daughters, I told Tammy, or your husband, you would certainly take that a lot more seriously than if someone spray-painted your car, wouldn’t you?

The lesson learned - never touch anything the cops hand you lest they be getting your prints on something they fabricated. I had NO idea at the time he was a personal friend of hers. No idea. How could I have? Meanwhile, I hope no one out there will refuse to take my promise seriously and screw me over bad enough to make me show them that no, I wasn’t kidding, and yes, I really will come after one that knowingly and intentionally tries to turn my life upside down.

The whole 6 months I was locked up I wished to hell I HAD beaten the bitch’s ass or done SOMETHING. I wanted to do so before because I felt that turning the other cheek or just taking their shit through or not through the law was sending the wrong message (one saying it’s ok to fuck me over), but I was talked out of it. Never again, though! I really hope there’ll never be an “again,” though. My husband and I just want to live in peace, you know? But if anyone thinks I’m just gonna throw up my hands and say, “Oh well, shit happens. People wrong us and that’s just life,” they got another thing coming to them. People have had a habit of not taking me seriously long before the welfare bums came to trample my life. I warned Mom and Dad that I would walk away if they didn’t quit their shit, but they obviously either didn’t take me seriously or they didn’t care.

Back to the freeloaders. I’m notorious for showing resilience and for overcoming all kinds of things in life, but them and anyone that had a hand in enabling them to screw me, no matter how direct or indirect, will NEVER be forgiven. Hell, I wish those freeloaders and their long-since fired pig pal WOULD come to this door, but at this point, they’re not dumb enough to do so because A, I’m in another state, and B, they know damn well that things would play out much differently this time. They’re mean and hateful, but not stupid.

The pig being involved is part of why we left Arizona. To be vindicated in a case that involved civilians only would be one thing, but when a pig is personal friends with them… I think it would’ve been just a matter of time before they were shooting at the house or something a wee bit much for my fists or temper alone to handle. We never had guns and probably never will.

Later…

Continuing on with my discussion with Tammy. First, though, how the hell did she leave that voice post on Facebook like she did? I’d love to be able to do that.

Either way, I already knew my parents were in touch with Tom’s mom, I just don’t know how long it went on after I ceased all contact with my parents in 1998.

I should add that I wouldn’t go after someone for something small or something they said/wrote. It would have to be something they DID, something big. REAL fucking big. I’m not going to beat the shit out of someone that spilled wine on our new carpet or that bashed me in a blog or something. If anything, the verbal bashing may help up my book sales, LOL. Think Jodi Arias would sell so much of her stupid artwork if people had kind things to say about her?

What was she doing with Rhoda’s address, though? I didn’t think she was in touch with much of the extended family. Haven’t seen that one since probably my late teens.

As I also told her, I haven’t heard or seen of Lori or Lisa since my early 20s and I don’t want to for two reasons that have nothing to do with their asshole father. Lori, one year older than me, and Lisa, one year younger, are my mother’s brother’s daughters.

One reason I can’t stand them is that when I called them for help when someone was knocking on my first-floor apartment window late at night in ‘86, they refused to help me. Something like that would piss me off when I got older and I’d be out there confronting the guy in a heartbeat, but back then I was just 18 or 19 and pretty much everything scared me. Mom and Dad were in Florida and Tammy was over an hour away, so I called them and they wouldn’t come and get me. They simply told me to call the cops, and I did, but the perp was gone by the time they arrived. Finally got Jenny (my so-called “best” friend from age 9 to about 22) to spend the night once with her BF, then I left her a message the next day and she said her mother told her, “Your daughter called.” Really, that was so fucking insulting! I’m not perfect but damn did she do me a favor when she dumped me a year or two later for not being just like her.

Reason two as far as why I haven’t wanted anything to do with Lori and Lisa, not that I could find them, and not that the feeling wouldn’t be mutual, is that they falsely accused me of prank calling them. As an adult, I have no reason to not admit when I’m guilty of something because that admission can’t be used against me the way owning up to doing something wrong could get me in trouble as a kid. No one can take away my stereo or ground me for a week as an adult. So if I say I didn’t call them, I didn’t. I DID call my dad’s brother and his wife, though, as I hated those fuckers for the way they treated me when I stayed with them at the campgrounds in CT and the way Marty later threatened me (right in front of Nana Bella). Again, I got scared in those days, not pissed. God only knows how much prison time I’d have accumulated by now if I were like I am today back then.

There are basically two reasons I walked away from mom and dad in ‘98 and that was the constant complaining and the hypocrisy. Anyone who can’t accept you as you are doesn’t truly love/care for you if they have to try to pick on and change so much about you. A few complaints here and there, I can see. We can’t please everyone all the time, after all. But they didn’t ask me not to do this, this or that, they demanded like I was still a kid. I put up with their kind when I was young, but later in life, I began to walk away from such control freaks. As they say, those that don’t mind matter, those that do mind don’t matter. Especially when they have a problem with literally everything you say and do.

The other reason was the hypocrisy. It really pissed me the fuck off when she had the nerve to tell me not to stick my nose in family business when she herself was doing the SAME exact thing. I can’t stand lies, hypocrisy, control freaks, and phonies, related or not. So that’s why I pulled back when I did.

There were the memories associated with them, too. Every time I would hear my mother’s voice I was reminded that that was the woman who abused me and so on and so forth.

TUESDAY, MAY 20, 2014
My TSH levels have got to be getting pretty close to normal by now but my body STILL can’t metabolize or burn calories normally with BOTH diet and exercise. Just one lousy cup of coffee with 30-60 calories of creamer will bump me up almost a whole pound. Definitely not normal even for one who’s older, right?

Not sure I see the point in continuing on with my medication if it’s not going to do me any good, but I’ll make that decision depending on the results of my blood test in June. I know I’d be taking a bit of a risk if I stopped it, but life is all about risks anyway, isn’t it?

I wonder what last night’s dream may’ve meant if anything. I don’t know what I was there for or why I went alone, but I was at my primary doctor’s office and had waited impatiently in an exam room for over an hour to see her. I stepped out to ask her male nurse what was taking her so long and he said something about giving me something to help calm me down. I said I just wanted to see the doctor and get on with my appointment.

In a split second, I was in a small room with 3 hospital beds along one wall and some chairs across from it. There were also offices, hallways, and doorways off all the walls except for where the beds were. I was in one of the beds and saw my doctor sitting in a chair a few yards beyond the foot of it. She was chatting with a black guy. I asked her how many more minutes. “About a half an hour,” she said.

I was pissed and then I realized how tired I was. I thought to myself, I don’t give a shit if I fall asleep on them if they’re going to make me wait this long.

Just then, her nurse came through a door and approached my left side. He grabbed my arm and then stuck a foot-long needle into my arm just above the back of my wrist. I tried to protest and pull away, saying I couldn’t get home if they were going to drug me up, and the doctor burst out laughing like it was a funny joke.

Went out and covered 3 or more miles in 58 minutes at just after 7:30 and it was a ghost town out there this evening. Maybe that was because it was so windy. I turned the iPod off along the way and listened to people’s wind chimes as I walked and jogged. I was chilly at first, but then I was sweating as I got moving. I know my route so well now that I could do it blindfolded. I have my designated running spots, which are long, flat stretches as well as areas that are a bit downhill, too.

I’m surprised Oregon legalized gay marriage! Oregon was a pretty hateful state when I lived there. So many cars had that “one man, one woman” bullshit bumper sticker. Just maybe we will see all 50 states legalize it in our lifetime, after all.

Safari definitely runs way faster than Firefox, but it lacks a couple of features FF has. Pretty sure Safari is only for Mac users, though, just in case anyone’s wondering. Although I fought it tooth and nail because I, like most people, am resistant to change, I’m glad I went Mac all those years ago. I can just imagine how many viruses and other shit I’ve had had by now if I were still in Windows. Just wish providers and routers could be as stable, though I haven’t had any outages in over a week now.

Was going to wait till June to start this 30-day challenge, but then said what the hell? So here goes:

What is your first memory?

My earliest memories, though I don’t exactly know which came first for sure, is turning 3 years old. I also remember “drawing” on the wall with a metal animal figure that might’ve been a dog. I don’t know if I was still in a crib, but I was pretty young either way. Too young to know better, I placed the metallic figurine on the wall as high as I could reach, then slowly dragged it down the wall, making streaks of grayish streaks along the way.

“Oh, Jodi,” I remember my mother moaning when she discovered the mess I’d made.

MONDAY, MAY 19, 2014
Nane’s brother was impressed that I could chase his golf cart around the park. LOL, the guy sure looked like her brother anyway. I was running down one side of the park when a golf cart went by. I couldn’t see the people sitting in front that were facing forward, but there were two ladies in back and I was pretty sure one was Carol, my midnight friend that never was. So by the time I hit Carol’s street, the cart had stopped on the corner and some people got off in front of where I sometimes wish our house was located. I shot down Carol’s street and was about to start zigzagging through side streets when he was headed the opposite way and he stopped to let me know how amazed he was by my speed.

The soft toilet seat in the master bath is starting to tear up at the seam on the side. Gonna return to hard seats. Maybe by the time it really goes to hell we’ll be ready to get new toilets.

Ordered another toe ring for my other foot. This one will be for my right foot, which has the colorful ankle bracelet I got in Hawaii, and it’s smaller, too. It’s a silver ring with dots of colorful glitter.

I also grabbed some more wall stickers; flowers and ivy leave vines that sprout out of “bricks.”

SUNDAY, MAY 18, 2014
As I sit here waiting for the temperature to cool down enough to go out running, I realize how slow I am at times. That suspicious visitor couldn’t have been Molly or a friend of hers at the group home. When I’ve looked over Molly’s visits I’ve noticed that the hostname is that of the group home itself. Well, the visitor in question’s hostname was that of a private residence, so I highly doubt it was tied to her after all. Not unless it was someone she knew there who no longer lives there but still lives in the Austin area, and this is unlikely.

Talked to both Tammy and Mark earlier. They really love their new place. I’m just amazed at how quiet and clean it is for low income and so are they. When I think of “low income,” I think of the slums of Springfield, MA where I lived in the late 80s and early 90s, and the projects in Norwich, CT that I was in back in early ’92 that landed me in the psych ward with a breakdown before flying to Arizona. It was a totally maddening circus. Yet when she showed me a pic of the beautiful view outside her window, there were no screaming kids and welfare bums loitering about.

SATURDAY, MAY 17, 2014
Tom said he doesn’t think the Austin visitor was Molly or connected to her because of the way so many IP#’s are routed from the same area. Andy thinks it is, though. The only thing that shoots down the idea of it being her or connected to her is the fact that they only went to Prosebox. Molly usually makes her rounds by trying to get into all my journals in hopes of one of them suddenly being public again. I’m not sure what to think, but for now my current journal can stay friends only. Past stuff can be public or members cuz I don’t care if she can see that. I don’t want her knowing what’s going on with me right now. Why, I don’t know. There’s nothing I’m saying that she or anyone else could use against me, but instinct is telling me to keep the here and now a mystery to her (even though I already miss being at least members only and the fun of seeing who comes around). That’s all she’d be interested in anyway. I guess my reasons are not to give her the satisfaction of being able to find out if I’m mentioning her or our mutual friend. Then again, that friend isn’t so mutual anymore. She’s still my friend, but not hers.

We’re on for the 24th as for when they’ll be installing the new carpet. So this worn-out dark brown crap in here has just one week left to live, yippee!

Was out walking and running for 54 minutes just to burn a lousy 225 calories according to what I just calculated online. I’d have to work out at least 3 hours a day to be able to eat enough not to feel like I was starving and still lose weight. No thanks!

Noticed my hands and feet swell up when I’m working out, but read that this is normal. It goes back down after I’m done.

Later…

Although I already miss it, I cut out my sparkling fruity waters even though they had 0 calories, 0 caffeine – 0 everything – to save a little more money so we can use it for other things. $10 a week may not seem like much, but when you think about it, that’s $40 a month. A little does add up, believe it or not. It’s why I work MT. People may think it’s not worth it for a few bucks a day, but that few bucks a day is over a hundred a month and over a grand a year. Imagine getting an extra grand in taxes each year? You’d take it if you could, and well, so would I.

I said last night I’d have to be out running and walking 3 hours every day to lose weight and still eat enough to avoid feeling like I was starving, Well, fitnessblender.com has these 90-minute workout videos that burn about 1000 calories. Before being diagnosed with a dead thyroid, these videos got me in great shape, increased my stamina and increased my flexibility. But they failed to get any weight off even with dieting. I’m curious as to how they may affect me now that I’m on medication. I’d still have to eat less, but maybe one of these days I’ll give it a try.

When I’m out and about in public, be it at the grocery store or any other store, I see so, so many people half my age and twice my size. I realize that for 48, I could be doing a lot worse than I am.

I’m looking forward to getting out for an hour this evening. My motto is that if I can’t improve what I’ve got, I can at least try to maintain it. :)

Tom re-routed the Internet wires from coming up through the floor to going in through the wall. He couldn’t go up into the wall from the floor because then he’d hit the steel frame that the house sits on. So he dove straight in through the wall. It looks much better this way and it also gets more wires out of the rats’ reach.

I keep forgetting to write about what snippets of dreams I remember. The last few I remember is being outdoors at the crack of dawn in a cold snowy and totally dismal place. I was on a street lined with two-story, close-set houses. The ground was more slushy than snowy and I watched snow mixed with rain as it fell upon the electrical wires overhead. As they hit the wire I could see tiny sparks of electricity almost like the wires were super hot and it boiled the drops of water as they would hit it.

In another dream scene, I was in an indoor swimming pool somewhere and was chatting with a young woman with blue streaks in her hair who sat at the edge of the pool, dangling her feet in the water. She was heavy, but not ugly. I could tell that she kind of liked me but I wasn’t interested in her in that way. I just wanted to know how I could get purple streaks put in my own hair, haha.

Tom and I were at the beach in another dream, but it wasn’t anything like Hawaii. It was gross cuz not only was the shoreline a bit rockier with thicker grains of sand, but many people on the beach had large dogs and so there were piles of dog shit all along the shore.

Tammy shared a few pics of her new place and I would never guess in a million years it was low-income! She wouldn’t either, she said. It’s beautiful! She’s got a helluva view and the place is bright, open, spacious, and sunny.

She says it’s very quiet even though there are people living above her. As I told her, that would change if I suddenly moved in, guaranteed. LOL, I’m a magnet for noise. So much so that I’m thrilled to have quiet neighbors for the first time in over 20 years, though I do hear vehicle doors over there a few times a day mostly between 8am - noon. If next door was suddenly attached to us I’d hear everything and I mean everything. TVs, cabinets, footsteps – you name it, I’d hear it. If they were suddenly attached to anyone else they wouldn’t hear a damn thing.

Andy should be lucky his neighbors who just had a baby aren’t going to be there forever. If I were suddenly living in his place they’d be broke and stuck there indefinitely.

Anyway, Tammy still has a lot of setting up to do, so I’ll call her tomorrow.

Meanwhile, I wonder if we’ll end up there someday. Maui seems highly unlikely unless we’re surprised with either winning big, suing the shit out of someone, or stumbling upon a goldmine, all of which is seriously unlikely.

I just wish I could stop worrying about the future so much! If it were that easy to just not worry unless or until something bad happens, I would do it, and so would tons of other worrywarts out there. But there is no magic switch in my head I can reach in and flick, nor are there any words I can tell myself. I just worry the shit will hit the fan again soon enough. We’ve been doing well for just over 2½ years now, though I still worry that things will go wrong in time. You can think you’re doing everything possible to help protect yourself against physical or financial problems, but then unforeseen things have a way of jumping out at you. Things you have little to no control over. Things you can’t just fix in a few weeks or even a few months. Tom and I don’t seem to skin our knees in life; we break bones instead.

So will we move to Florida someday if we don’t lose this place? That remains to be seen. Too many things can change in the next 13 years before he retires. It’s going to depend on a lot of things – how our health is, what inflation is like, if our retirement money is there, etc. That’s another thing I worry about is our retirement money. Will it really be there? Our pension money wasn’t, and the government’s proven to both us and millions of others that it doesn’t give a shit if its own lives or dies. Tom says there are laws to protect people’s retirement funds, but guess what? Laws change. We’re supposed to be getting almost what he makes today, and at 65 I’m supposed to get 50% of what he gets, but that may change because there is more and more separatism these days in marriage.

I don’t know why people bother getting married in the first place if so many of them have the “what’s mine is mine and what’s yours is yours” attitude they often have. I pity the spouse that gets laid off or ends up disabled, knowing how pitiful unemployment/disability benefits are because no one wants to support their spouse today as it’s “not their responsibility to be anyone’s caretaker.” The first thing people look for when seeking a permanent partner these days is how much money they make. It’s sad that they don’t see beyond what’s in the bank and into their hearts and minds. Thank goodness I’m not broke and single, cuz even if I were young, slim and gorgeous, I’d have a helluva time nabbing anyone no matter how kind, smart or mature I may be. I’m truly, truly beyond blessed to have a guy like Tom who wouldn’t think a damn thing differently of me if I were suddenly burned in a fire or rendered in a wheelchair for life.

FRIDAY, MAY 16, 2014
I had chest pains for the first 3 hours of my day. It was this weird achiness in the center of it that I’m guessing was a pulled muscle. Coincidently or not, it went away after I had a raspberry yogurt. At least I know it can’t be my heart since two doctors recently listened to it.

My knee feels better but I don’t know if I’ll go running tonight or not. I think that by the time it’s cool enough I’ll be getting too tired, but we’ll see. If not, I’ll be out tomorrow evening for sure.

Next door’s own car alarm went off for 10-15 seconds. Theirs is just a horn. Really wish they’d quit coming and going so much or at least quit slamming doors as much when they do. This isn’t like them. They’ve never slammed doors like this before. Could they be moving? Bob didn’t mention that so this is why I wonder about a store. Maybe they’re hauling supplies back and forth or something. I know they’re really into gardening at the community garden, too.

I finished the visual proofreading of my book, so now it’s on to the electronic reading.

Pretty sure the tropical tree outside the master bedroom window is a plumeria tree, based on what I saw in someone’s yard a few streets away when I was out running the other day. It was about 20’ tall and without my glasses, I first thought its flowers were hibiscuses like they have all over Hawaii. Instead, it was plumeria flowers, also abundant in Hawaii.

I think my medication may be sharpening my brain back up again because today I could remember what German words Nane taught me yesterday without having to look them out. When I was bitching to Tom about how frustrating Andy’s own forgetfulness can be at times and how he wondered if he had Alzheimer’s (his doctor said he didn’t) Tom said he’s too young for that. He getting close to where he could be old enough to have the early onset of it, but thinks it’s more likely the many years of being a pothead that’s causing him to have trouble remembering things. Even though he’s been clean for years, the accumulative effect brought on by many years of smoking pot can have irreversible damage.

THURSDAY, MAY 15, 2014
What a shitty day this is so far. I know it’s probably wrong of me to bitch to others about Nane, but I just need to vent, I guess, and it will be done in places she won’t know about. First, I’m dog tired (the carpet will probably be installed the week after next instead of next week so I can at least flip my schedule), then next door startles me by slamming out at 7:30, and then 20 minutes later they returned. How many times will I have to listen to them slam in and out today? Yesterday they were much quieter than I thought they’d be, but they really annoy me at times.

Even worse is that I’m totally torn as far as what to do about Nane and the games she seems to be playing with me for the last year or so. This doesn’t seem like a simple case of miscommunication or indecisiveness. Unless I’m being paranoid, she really seems to be jerking me around and I’m getting fed up. If my suspicions are correct, is this just funny to her? Or is she trying to get me to dump her? Believe me, I don’t have a problem with dumping those who lie, play games, judge me, try to control or push me into something I’m not interested in, or accuse me of lying when I’m in fact being very truthful. Yes, you offend and risk losing someone when you say one thing and do another. When you can’t do the simplest of things they may ask of you after they’ve been considerate of you. When you defend their perps and knowingly and intentionally go out of your way to annoy or piss them off. I’m sorry but that’s not being a true friend. True friends don’t do these things. They respect and accept each other as they are and they don’t go back on their word without a damn good reason and 4 times in less than a year.

I can see having a misunderstanding here and there, and I know people change their minds at times, but when a pattern forms I get suspicious. I can play kiss and makeup once like we did in 2010, but now I feel like she’s doing the exact same thing she accused me of – messing with her head. But she was wrong about me so maybe I’m wrong about her. I’m not sure what to think at this point. There are only so many times I have the patience, desire and tolerance to forgive someone for the same old shit. Once or twice maybe. But this is the fourth time I’m saying to myself. “Eh, she changed her mind. People do that and that’s their right, isn’t it?”

First I was “welcomed to be her guest” if I won a trip to Germany as long as I understood there would be no intimacy cuz of Askim. Now I must stay in a hotel. Why? Oh, that’s because first, she was going to give me her address so I could send her a postcard from Hawaii after she was supposed to give me her phone number so I could call her and we could chat just once, but NOW she says she doesn’t give her address or phone number to people. Then after I failed to receive the postcard she said she sent from Hamburg, she said she’d “try again” from TR. So I told her this morning I hadn’t gotten anything yet and her reply was “Hahaha, that’s because this time I never sent any postcards at all.”

What, is this funny to her or something? Or am I the one misunderstanding her?

I’m so torn as far as what to do about her. It’d be so easy just to cut ties and be done with her, but I hesitate in case I really am misunderstanding or there’s more to it than I realize. IDK, maybe there’s something going on I don’t know about. If I confront her she’ll probably get all defensive and maybe even dump me before I get a chance to make up my mind about whether or not I want to dump her. So… do I deal with her going back on her word, or do I cut her loose? Damn, this is tough!

Later…

Ignoring Nane was easier said than done, as it always is, and I replied to her next message. We exchange messages, sometimes in real-time, sometimes not, an average of 3 times a week and that’s pretty much what I’m used to. I didn’t hesitate, though, to let her know that she really confuses and frustrates me at times when she goes back and forth on things.

I guess that since she’s been to Turkey so many times it doesn’t seem exciting to send postcards from there, but promises to send one from Greece if I quit laughing at her shitty weather, LOL. I told her that it’s up to her. I don’t want to sound like a pushy beggar.

Anyway, today was just an overall blah day. I was tired from lack of sleep, pissed that the carpet will be delayed, my knee pain returned, and then next door was getting on my nerves a bit with the door slamming. Not as bad as they did two days ago, though, and they only came and went twice that I know of.

Another thing to irritate me was that LiveJournal needlessly rearranged their site like they seem to love to do about once a year, and now I have to get used to yet another new setup that seems totally pointless. Sure enough, it wasn’t without bugs either. I couldn’t submit an entry, but later on it did go through.

I got curious and created another Kiwibox account to contact Andre from and ask why I was unable to access my other one. He said others are having the same issue and they’re trying to figure it out. Something about my session getting stuck in the Memcache which Tom understood better than I did. I think I get the basic idea, though.

Another thing to piss me off is that Molly seems to have found my Prosebox account and is having a fellow group homie check it for her since she’s not allowed to be online unless she’s got more than one device. I’ve seen this visitor on my tracker a few times before but since Prosebox is a very popular site, Austin is a big city, and the person was using a Mac, I didn’t think much of it. But today I pulled up both this visitor and one I know for sure is from her and they were both in the same exact location in downtown Austin. Now what are the odds of it being someone else? Really, I’d like to know if the few people who are now allowed access to any of my blogs think it’s a coincidence, cuz I sure don’t, big city or not.

I’m not really all that surprised she found me, as that’s what stalkers do. Yeah, well, I stalked back and searched Prosebox for new accounts of hers, since this nut creates accounts faster than I change clothes, and then I blocked what I thought was her for good measure. One thing about Molly is that she’s always been predictable. I found one account with a username and book title (no entries) that sounded a lot like names she would use and has used in the past.

IDK, maybe this visitor was totally unrelated, since she usually circles all the blogs she can when checking up on me, and LiveJournal showed no visits. She can still go to that particular blog and show up on my tracker without being able to read anything because I coded the blog’s entire interface.

Maybe that’s why, though. Maybe she didn’t want to show up on LiveJournal on the Mac device for fear of me knowing it was her or a friend of hers, even though she’s always loved to rub her presence in my face in the past.

Some may wonder what the harm is if she can read my stuff but not contact me, and that’s not the point. The point is simply that I don’t want her to know my business. I may not be the most private person on earth, but that doesn’t mean I want just anyone to know what’s going on with me.

Despite the fact that I have not contacted her since last fall (and my only reason for it was to try to get her to leave me the hell alone), I don’t think she’ll ever stop trying to read what she can of mine. I know her intentions are to see what I may say about her and a mutual friend of ours and not that she’s interested in anything I have to say. Regardless of the reason, this sick bitch isn’t going to go away unless I do.

I wonder if she found my Ask account? I can’t track that site so I wouldn’t know. It used to be that you’d have to reblock users there weekly to keep them blocked, but her account is still blocked. If she contacts me through Andy, I’m out of there and no, I’m not going to just create a new Ask account. Those accounts are googlable and no matter how careful you may be with what you say, stalkers are witty and know what keywords to look for. She’s had over a decade of practice. Andy and I can use Histofme if I ever know for sure she knows of my Ask account. It’s a totally different setup, but it will do. We can protect our accounts there.

Later…

In funny news, Ida finally picked up my message and blocked me.

In frustrating news, I know this sounds horribly selfish of me and I know it’s not fair to blame Alison, but sometimes I really wish she’d stop having so many damn problems so I wouldn’t have to go so long between messages from her. Sometimes I just want to ask her opinion on something, like if she thinks that visitor really could be connected to Molly or not, knowing she’s smart and would be a better one to ask almost anything of than most people. But she’s as cursed physically as we were financially. If it isn’t a skin infection, it’s her damn depression. If it isn’t breast cancer then she’s battling the flu. She has had computer issues too, or so she at least says.

I highly doubt she’s making any of this stuff up, but still… can’t she just be there for me when I want to ask her something or just chat about whatever?

WEDNESDAY, MAY 14, 2014
The carpet estimator took measurements yesterday. Turns out they’ve done several houses in this park. Today Tom will pay for it after work and find out exactly when they’ll be out. If they don’t make it by Saturday, then they should definitely make it by Monday or Tuesday.

Was out running/walking for just under an hour. I didn’t stop to chat with anyone along the way either, which is good, because unless they’re working out with me at my exact pace, I like to focus on what I’m doing. I expected it to be closer to 45 minutes than an hour so maybe I’m going too slow and need to pick up my pace a bit.

No skunks or possums since the sun was up when I left. I wore my pink cap with its sparse scattering of sequins and it did a good job of keeping the sun out of my eyes. Instead, there was the usual scattering of ducks and turkeys. They usually stick to the edges, but I’ve seen ducks sleeping right outside our carport. At one point 3 turkeys came running toward me and if I didn’t know that turkeys aren’t aggressive that would have scared the shit out of me. They just galloped on by, though. They’re so big you can hear their toenails clicking along the pavement. They’re ugly fuckers, too.

As soon as the slamming frenzy starts next door I’ll go throw on my kick-ass headphones in the bedroom. iTunes and sound machines won’t cut it cuz it’s an “impact” sound that shakes the place.

TUESDAY, MAY 13, 2014
The carpet estimator will be here this afternoon to take measurements. Really hope they can install it on Saturday instead of next week!

There is so much change yet so much repetition online that sometimes it drives me crazy. Sites change layouts and features faster than I change clothes, yet people still want to talk about the SOS. Even if it’s something I like and can relate to and understand well, hearing the SOS gets old after a while, but I guess that’s just human nature and I know I can get a bit repetitious myself.

Becky, my VH sister in the east, commented about a new Facebook layout but it looks the same to me. Figured they’d change it any time now. Just when you get used to one layout, they go and they change it. I’m there less and less these days and that’s part of why. I like sites that jump on their glitches as soon as they’re aware of them. Facebook will wait until the next upgrade to maybe fix things.

Went out walking and running this morning just after dawn. Passed an older guy further down my street and exchanged hellos. At two different locations, I passed a group of 3 women also out walking. Then I passed Bob, who was carrying a bag. I couldn’t tell what was in it. I just didn’t expect to catch him on that particular street because it wasn’t a bordering street. Maybe he was bringing some tomatoes to someone.

So then I’m just about finishing my usual running/walking route when I spot what I think is Bob coming around the corner and onto our street. I said, “Wow, you made it back to home base fast.”

But then the guy’s brows wrinkled with confusion and he said, “What’s that?” and I realized it wasn’t Bob. He introduced himself to me as Jim, and I remembered that he and Tom once met. The problem with a lot of these old gray guys is that they all look the same. There are a few exceptions, though. The guy across from Bob is huge and so they’re easy to tell apart. I don’t take my glasses with me when I run and so people’s faces are fuzzy, and forget about reading the time on my iPod or anything like that.

Anyway, Jim planted tomatoes too, had a heart attack in 2000, used to run until he turned 85, and asked me how I like it here so far. I love it, I told him, I just wish it were a little less landscape-happy.

Really, I didn’t tell him this much but I wish they’d designate just two days a week for that for both the park and the individual homeowners, but I know there is too much park and too many homes to get it all done in just two days. A little traffic-happy in back too, but I otherwise love living with old people and it’s nice to finally have quiet neighbors after 28 years of what’s been mostly chaotic, loud, rude, inconsiderate and obnoxious neighbors. The only thing they do next door that can get annoying at times is pull the SUV out of the garage in the mornings and slam its doors without actually going anywhere. Like they’re loading something into it. I still think they may own a store or business of some kind. With a minimum of 3 trips out, even on weekends, I find it hard to believe it’s all about doctors and tomatoes. They’re both doing something out there now by the front and I hear something in the garage, too. Maybe they’re planting new trees and flowers?

Both Jim and Bob mentioned being annoyed by the freeway depending on the direction of the wind, but freeway noise doesn’t bother me unless someone’s blasting a stereo when they go by.

Anyway, Jim told me that going around the circle 10 times is 2 miles. That’s cool to know. He and Bob are both in great shape and they’re also slender as well.

Poor Andy. The bitch in the house next door with the mutt got a new puppy and it woke him up at 8:30 after not getting to sleep till 3:00. I have suggested a sound machine many times, but he obviously doesn’t want one.

Ok, next door, will you please go somewhere now if you’re going to open and slam your SUV doors? Yeah, now I’m getting a bit annoyed. Eh, it’s going to be in the 90s today. That’ll burn them indoors. They’re definitely morning people anyway. Yes, I’m really getting annoyed now. They’ve never slammed doors like this before. If they were loading shit into their vehicle it would be nice if they just left the damn door open until they were done.

Back to Andy if they’ll stop distracting me. The kid next door cried for an hour the other day. Again, I don’t understand why he can’t put on some music or something to drown the thing out. He said the thing’s favorite song the mother plays it is This Old Man, but that day nothing seemed to shut it up.

An older lady in Michigan asked for my help coding her diary with her own tracking code… OMG, this is driving me crazy! Will you guys get the fuck out of here? I wonder if this would wake me up if I were asleep?

Anyway, some guy’s setting up a diary site similar to the old OD site and it’s in total disarray because it’s new. She offered to give me her PW to set it up, but as I told her, she didn’t have to go that far. It was simple enough. Just a pain in the ass, since you have to code each individual entry. She cracked me up, though, saying that after I showed off my “mad Mac skills” she wanted to take that opportunity to ask for help. Another Michigan follower asked something else and she noticed my response to her. She asked about inserting special characters and I told her that Macs have a thing where you hold down the letter you want to make special and up comes your options for that letter.

Oh, good fucking riddance! After nearly an hour of intermittent slamming, Virginia just left. Hopefully, Bob will be a good boy and either stay quiet or go inside.

MONDAY, MAY 12, 2014
The new Firefox version runs kind of slow so we switched to Safari. I hate change and so I still bounce back to FF depending on what I’m doing cuz FF is what I’m used to. There are some things Safari lacks that I don’t like, but it is super fast compared to FF.

Touched up the quarter rounds yesterday but it’s way too hard to do those, so we’ll just have to live with what painting imperfections we have. At least one of the good things about having such shitty vision is that these things don’t stand out as much.

Trying to white out the brown quarter round that was left in the bedroom was damn near impossible. It looks ok in dimmer lighting, but turn the light on and you can see how blotchy it looks. It’s still WAY better than it was before with either brown paneling or plain white scuffed-up walls.

Still gotta do the kitchen, baths and laundry room, but there’s no hurry there.

As expected, they’re landscaping like crazy today because yesterday’s high winds threw leaves and twigs all over the place. I could see dirt flying in the wind at times. Hell, I wondered if our awning was going to come down, but Tom checked it out and confirmed it was rock solid.

Right now they’re vacuuming out their garage next door. At least I think they are.

Molly took another peek in on me last night. Or tried to. Everything’s private but the sites she’s unaware of so she didn’t see shit. Still, just the fact that she’s still looking for me 6 months after going as underground as I possibly can without literally dumping all my accounts, tells me that one full year won’t be the magic number. These types of people simply have no sense of time. To them 5 years ago is like yesterday. If I don’t want this nut to have a convenient chance to pester me or peek into what’s going on with me, I must remain hidden from public view. I suppose it’s better that way in general. In a country where our speech isn’t protected and where everybody seems to take offense no matter what it is you say, it doesn’t hurt to be careful. Do I care about people’s feelings? No, I don’t. If it bothers you that I like Campbell’s soup better than Progresso, tough shit. But if you try to sue me or file a complaint, then I most certainly do mind. You probably won’t win in the end, but I certainly wouldn’t need the hassles in the meantime.

They want to throw us a party during the next Friday Night Frolics, but I’ll have to call and let them know we’re going to be busy that night. It’s not just for us; it’s to welcome all newcomers over the last year. Tom said it’s totally up to me, but we plan to be prepping the place for carpeting that night and I don’t want to be up too late if I can help it. I also don’t want to get too close to people living so close to me. Sort of like how I wouldn’t want to mix business with pleasure. Now if it were a gorgeous woman…

Anyway, I’m not even going to dare mention turning down the initiation to Andy. I don’t judge his lifestyle and his personal choices and I don’t want mine judged either. If he wants to be sad for those who are happy with the way things are, let him be. I just don’t need to hear something like how it’s “sad” that we couldn’t make the time to go to the party. Well, we could make the time. We’d just rather not. It’s a matter of priority and prepping for carpet is more important than a free dinner and socialization, though I appreciate them for it just the same.

I called Nancy and let her know we couldn’t make it and she said to come to some other Friday Night Frolics and bingo, too. We wouldn’t mind checking out bingo, but bingo is on Thursday nights and Tom crashes early.

Later…

Jesus Fucking Christ! Are we EVER going to have a reliable connection??? EVER?!?! This is clearly not our provider’s fault, though. They did go out the other day (probably working on some lines around here), but our router is clearly having issues right now. sighs I’ll just post this when I can.

Nane and I were discussing the carpet thing and she wonders if it should be less empfindlich for one with 3 rats, but nah, ich weiß nicht.

Ended up doing part of my workout with Bob. We crossed paths on Daisy, by the best spot in the park where I also saw a coyote in the grassy field between the wooded area and the RVs, then again when we entered this circle. He too, walks around the perimeters, which is just over 2 miles, and he always walks in the middle of the road to avoid skunks. In the higher traffic hours, I walk on the side of the main roads. I probably walk closer to 3 miles cuz I zigzag on some side streets. I mix walking and running.

Anyway, they’re older than I thought. Been here 26 years. So if he was 55 in 1988, then he’s at least 81 now. We must seem rather juvenile in comparison, haha. He said they planted some tomatoes and sweet corn, and that was pretty much it.

I never see Virginia out walking and I don’t know if that’s because she has difficulties walking or if she just isn’t interested.

I lied to Andy and said I asked Bob and Virginia if they wanted to hire a housekeeper and I wonder if I should have done that or not. I know that it’s never good to lie in general, but can a harmless little white lie that he can never verify hurt if it’ll make him happy? He says he’s not trying to push me and all that, but I know it’s important to him. Sure seems to be anyway. I just don’t know why. Why would someone’s lack of in-person friends and lack of outside-the-home job matter to them when it doesn’t affect them in any way?

So he said he was proud of me (as if I were telling him I’d quit smoking) and that to remember it’s a numbers game. Most people would say no, but I’ll eventually get a yes.

But do I go so far as to say I got a yes?

SUNDAY, MAY 11, 2014
Just a quick entry today. Once I get hungry enough to eat 300-400 calories of food (the beginning of my day is the least hungry), I’m going out for my run. It got much chillier out than predicted, but it’s better than trying to run in the blaring sun. I’m walking more now, though, anyway. It’s easier on these aging joints.

Later on today, we’ll touch up the room we’ve painted and that will be it for the most part unless I’m forgetting anything. We have a while yet before we have to clear the living, dining and bedrooms out for carpeting.

Yesterday was so windy that the metal awning in front was vibrating and the wind chimes were going crazy. I still hear the corner wind chime. Maybe I should take a light jacket out running. Ugh, it’s 48° right now. Hard to believe it’ll be 84° this afternoon and nearly 100° on Wednesday.

SATURDAY, MAY 10, 2014
Both today and yesterday I have been so damn hungry. I have a couple of days a month like this around period time where I feel absolutely famished and I can’t get rid of it. I eat. I’m hungry. I eat some more. I’m still hungry. I do my best not to give in to the hunger unless it’s really, really bad. Just because I can’t deduct weight from this body doesn’t mean I can’t add it. Oh no, I can add it just fine. Fortunately, it’s Saturday, my day to eat whatever I want anyway. Chocolate-covered cherries are on the junk menu for today.

Decided not to leave voice posts, after all, on LiveJournal. The idea of it just seems so weird. I guess I’m just used to journaling in print.

We’re going to RC Willey later on today to hopefully pick out the exact color carpet I want which will hopefully be in stock. They’re coming to take measurements on Tuesday. I’m hoping that within just a few days they’ll be able to make the installation. Worst case scenario, they lay it next week.

Later…

Picked out Mohawk’s Vibrant History carpet, which is a national brand, according to the saleswoman at RC Willey. I chose the color Nomad, a sandy-like color with hints of tan in it. It will be light enough to really brighten the place up, but still dark enough to hide any coffee stains and things like that. The lady said it may appear a couple of tones lighter once it’s laid down. They have a special lightbox you can look at the samples in at the store.

The carpet is kind of low-end but the memory foam padding we got is upper-end and should help the carpet last longer, especially since it’s just the two of us. She threw a sample on the floor with the carpet on top of it. Tom got to feel it barefoot since he wore sandals, but I didn’t feel like removing my socks and sneakers. I’ll feel it soon enough! Should be about a week.

When I first entered the store I didn’t know where to begin. There were so many samples, brands, and types of textures. I just wanted to get something in our price range and that was in stock. It’s actually going to come to around $2424.24, which is about a grand less than we originally expected to spend. We estimate needing about 1000 square feet based on our preliminary measurements, even though the house totals 1345.

I did look at a sample of bubble gum pink plus a more bold shade of pink that was almost mauve but felt they would clash with the pink in the hallway and look a little odd. This place is colorful enough. I even looked at some lavender shades. Going with a neutral color will enable me more freedom when it comes time to pick out the living room set. Now I don’t have to worry about colors/patterns clashing with it.

I’m so excited! I’m also glad it’s not going to cost as much so we have more money for furniture. A dresser is number one on the furniture list, then the living room set, then new stools, and then a kitchen set.

Amongst a handful of screaming brats, we looked at other things like outdoor bench swings for the patio and things like that. That’s not a high priority right now, though.

It was a bit of an emotional moment as I never thought I’d ever get to pick out carpet for OUR home yet there I was. Yeah, God’s former “bums” are doing really well, aren’t they? We got the house, the car, the carpet, most of the walls done… now all we gotta do is the floors and finish furnishing it.

Then hope we don’t lose it. We talked about that a bit. The saleslady was like “OMG, I thought I had it bad!” when I told her we lost our home a decade ago, turned around, and lost a parcel of land we were going to build on in another state just 4 months later, and then struggled like hell from 2007-2011. I still can’t believe Tom got a job when he did and such a good one too, because if he hadn’t and we hadn’t killed ourselves, the streets would’ve done it for us, especially for me. I couldn’t handle the streets any more than I could handle running a daycare by day and raising 6 kids by night.

FRIDAY, MAY 9, 2014
The burning and itching down there stopped, but I still have these little bumps that feel like zits. I guess a pap really is in order after the carpet.

I was relieved to hear from Alison today. The poor girl was in the hospital for 3 weeks with a bad skin infection. She says she’s recovering and will catch up on messages soon. She thanked me for not deleting her on Facebook. I considered it for a minute too, figuring there was no point in giving her a better glimpse into my life if she really didn’t want to remain friends. But deep down I figured something was more likely wrong than that she’d gone and dumped me.

Having become not so much a private person as much as I’ve become less open, I turned all my blogs private for now, but my current Prosebox book is viewable to members. Besides, the past doesn’t matter or interest people as much as the present does anyway. So each year that I create a new book on Prosebox I will probably turn the old ones private. That way nothing older than a year is out there for any potential evildoers to see.

Once Molly is released from Marbridge, God help me because I would think she’ll be back online pretty much anytime she wants to be with Mommy Dearest, who will probably have custody of the crazy child-woman until she dies or gets too old to keep up with her, quick to make excuses for her poor behavior. Well, I’m not going to go back to those days. Those days are over. There’s been no contact since last fall, but she does still peek in on me (or try to) about once a month. Probably has to sneak online somehow to do it. She was in on 3/21, 4/21, and then on 5/7.

As for Kim – I can’t say if she’s still following me because she always did it in a way that I couldn’t detect. I would guess she finally got me out of her system, especially since getting into big trouble with that impersonation obsession of hers.

For now, I prefer to stick to places they’re less likely to know about and that have user blocking.

My LiveJournal blog may become public again but since I have so much talk time on my cell I may make that a voice blog. I switched the phone number from my MagicJack line to the cell. It’s much easier to call in than deal with setting up microphones and having that interfere with my sound output later on and all that shit. Because Molly will latch onto it like a bee to a brightly colored flower once she discovers it, I have to be careful what I say. I don’t want to say the same things I write about anyway. Some of it may be, but I may think of more unusual topics to discuss. I thought of something ideal last night but can’t remember it now.

Exchanged hellos with Bob who was bopping around his carport for a bit earlier. He commented on the new car.

Our tentative plans are to touch up the rooms that have been painted this weekend. Next week we’ll have them come out to measure for the carpet and hopefully they can install it within a few days.

THURSDAY, MAY 8, 2014
Went out walking for nearly an hour with a bit of running mixed in, as always. It was a brisk night out there so I wore long sleeves. Had myself a little scare when I was partway down the outer main road. Keeping to the middle of the road at night was definitely a smart thing to do. I saw something emerge from the shadows and up to the curb on the side of the road that leads down into this woodsy area where the ditch is. It stopped and stared at me and I first thought it was a possum… until I saw the white stripe on its tail sticking up. It almost looked at me as if to say, “Go ahead, bitch. I dare you to pass me.”

But instead of turning around and running, I doubled back instead. At first I thought the thing was going to chase me, but it just casually crossed the street and disappeared around the corner. This is the most likely street to have possums and skunks lurking about too, as there is plenty of shelter and water for them in this area.

Determined not to be afraid of a skunk, I waited a few minutes, then continued on.

I don’t know why Andy felt he had to tell me this over the phone and not online, LOL, but he hates to discuss money online, even if it doesn’t pertain to him. So I called and he said he wasn’t trying to push me, but he had a good job idea in mind for me and what to charge. He thinks I should offer to clean people’s houses around here. Tom said it’s up to me, of course, but he doesn’t think that’s a good thing to be doing around here because it’s soliciting. Andy only considers it soliciting when you’re trying to sell a product or something like the Avon lady. But I gotta agree with Tom that it still constitutes soliciting as long as you’re trying to profit and sell something, even if it’s your services and not an actual object.

It is a great idea and even I’ve considered it, but it’s something I should only bring up if I’m having a conversation with someone at the pool or something like that. So there are some people I could casually ask, but I’m not going to advertise anywhere. There is a monthly flier in which some people advertise their services, but these are usually known companies and not individuals.

Still, it’s definitely something to think about when I’m chatting with people here, even though it’s easier for me to make money online cuz I can do it 24/7, even if I don’t make much while I’m at it.

Tom accidentally set the car alarm off yesterday at 5:30 in the morning before work, LOL. Hope it didn’t wake anyone up!

WEDNESDAY, MAY 7, 2014
Each time we move I get a new problem. In Maricopa, it was the blacks. In the duplex, it was my ear. In the dump house, it was my toe. In the Jes pest trailer, it was thrush. Here it’s a burning, itchy pussy. Definitely gotta make an appointment after the carpet’s in. If we ever do move to FL, maybe it will be cancer.

Nane’s been having it rough. She missed her plane and had to pay an additional 550 euros and now she has a Trojan virus.

Started reading what I’ve got so far on my newest story and while it may be well written, the story itself is so lame. Yup, I’m a better blogger than I am a storyteller. I’m still having fun with it, though.

I’m a lousy cook with no patience or desire to learn any more than I care to learn tennis, so I buy premade stuff and share it with the rats. They love it. This isn’t the 70s or 80s, so not all frozen or refrigerated food is unhealthy as long as it’s not fried or battered. There’s enough unprocessed stuff out there; it just costs more than buying everything raw and having to cook it yourself. I do buy uncooked chicken wings and pork chops at times, though, which I season with paprika, garlic salt and things like that. I also like chunky soups and cereal at times too, some of it healthy, some of it sugary crap I go sparingly on. Captain Crunch just isn’t as healthy as Grape Nuts.

Running has been getting harder for me lately and I wonder if I’m just getting too heavy for it, especially when I’m PMSing and carrying an extra few pounds of water. Also, my right knee has been bothering me. Because of it I have been walking more and running less. Oh well, I am 48 after all and not 28. Besides, running may elevate your heart rate better, but it’s definitely not the greatest source of exercise as it does have an impact on the joints over the years. So instead of doing 20-30 minute runs, I’m making 35-45 minute walks, though I am still doing some running. Not enough to lose weight with, of course, because my calories are still too high and I’m usually taking in more than I’m putting out.

I love getting out there at around midnight. It’s so peaceful. All you hear is distant freeway traffic. I love, love, love the way the flowers smell, too. The scent of jasmine seems to be heavier at night, and having the nose of a bloodhound, as I do, I could smell other things along the way. Last night I caught a whiff of the rubbery smell of balloons for a minute, as well as rubbing alcohol. I love the lack of traffic, too. I stay in the middle of the road where no skunks or pissed-off possums can jump out at me from behind any bushes.

In a few hours, next door should be heading out for their first of many trips during the day. It hit me that despite their age, they very well could own a business or store of some kind. Why else would a couple of retirees be in and out so much? If I’m right then the trips in and out will probably go on until they die. At least they’re usually quiet about it.

In last night’s dream, I was at some store and Tom was in an adjoining room. I was inspecting a small doll I had custom-made on the shop side and then I went over to Tom who was on the phone with the police describing a woman with “dangerous-looking eyes”. Then he hung up and said she tried to strangle him and seemed very weak.

“Ok, what have we got?” I said, meaning what stuff did we have to gather up that we’d gotten so we could get the hell out of there before the lunatic had a chance to return.

In another “scene,” Tammy was expected to come out to our two-story home (why do we always have two-story houses in my dreams?) but it seemed more like it was because something was wrong with me than just to visit. Tom was talking about dropping to part-time while she was there and as he was getting ready for work I asked, “Do you think I’ll be ok today?”

Later…

Molly had a 12-second run of my Blogger blog really early this morning, according to GA, and a 2-minute run of LiveJournal in which all she could see were old posts from 2002. I’m turning each entry that I proofread from private to public as I go through them.

For a minute I was tempted to run and hide even more, like I usually am when I see her on my tracker. I was going to make all known blogs to her private, then said, nah. I’m not changing my life for this forever-obsessed nut. It’s more important to me that I’m not contacted anyway, as opposed to what she can read. I’d still love to piss her off by disappearing and know she was going through the frustration of trying to find me, but her feelings don’t matter to me nearly as much as doing what I want to do. I’m too selfish to disappear on her, but I am not going to give her the satisfaction of having ways to reach out to me. She can only send me a message on Facebook and of course I’d block her if she did. She doesn’t appear to have found me on Prosebox yet.

I only have the Austin IP blocked now, not Harlingen. With my shit luck, Mommy back home will one day decide to comb through my Blogger blog when I’m not around to catch and block her. I know her. If anyone does anything to her precious daughter, she’ll look for me, Aly, Kim – anyone she thinks may either be responsible or have any information – and what better way than to comb through my blog, not that she’ll ever get that I don’t give a shit about picking on her daughter. I just want her eyes kept out of my business. Nothing I do in life concerns her and so what I write about shouldn’t matter.

What I wonder is why Molly and Mommy haven’t figured out how to disable their cookies. If Molly did that I would think she’d be able to have free reign of my blog, but I wouldn’t know it, of course. Ignorance may be bliss, but it would also make me curious. Hell, I still wonder about Kim at times. Does she ever peek in on me? I hope not for the same reasons I hope Molly isn’t, but I do wonder at times. Natural curiosity, I guess.

TUESDAY, MAY 6, 2014
Tom was right on with his guess as to where the “panel bees” were coming in from (an old vent inside a cupboard) that we’d find up in the kitchen ceiling’s opaque panels. I shined a light up to the screen he used to cap off the bottom of the pipe and could see 5 dead yellow jackets.

Love what these target ads come up with based on the words in my journals. For “panel bees” it’s bee repellent and solar panels. What would they advertise to me for The People in the Hill? Those are the dead bodies that live in the cemetery on the hill.

Anyway, what is it with me and sex dreams lately? Most of my dreams are short and vague, but this one was rather long and detailed and it involved Adonis and Nane.

Adonis, a good cyber friend in Amsterdam, bought me for 10k and rented me out for a fee to whatever horny guys wanted to have sex with me. I must’ve been young and thin again, LOL. The whole thing was really taking its toll on me physically and I asked Nane to hide me out at her place one night when she showed up with some guys for “service.” Or maybe she actually bought me for the night, IDK.

I begged her to let me stay with her since I didn’t see any other way out and she said, “I can’t. Slaves cost 10k and I don’t have 10k. Even if I did, I couldn’t get enough female customers, as you would prefer, to make up that amount fast enough, let alone a profit.”

I tried to convince Nane she didn’t need to buy or sell me and that I’d clean her house for her if she let me stay in a room of the two-story house she had, but she decided I wasn’t worth saving and she didn’t need a housekeeper bad enough. So I knew I had to come up with some other plan of escape.

I was heading downstairs one day when Nane was at work and saw Adonis peering in a window. He had a silk shirt on that was mostly unbuttoned. I realized he must suspect Nane was hiding me out and then I woke up as I was crouching in a corner somewhere and hoping he didn’t break in, as I wasn’t “all paid for” yet.

MONDAY, MAY 5, 2014
Complaint #1 of the day: Unexpected rain has a way of pissing you off when you want to go out and run, though it did finally stop. Went out at 11pm and mixed running and walking for 46 minutes. It was a chilly 54°.

Complaint #2 of the day: Will people please stop telling me what I already know? LOL Yes, I know exercise alone won’t usually cut it (especially in older women) because a standard 30-60 min. workout doesn’t usually expend enough to be taking in less than we’re putting out and all that fun stuff, and I know how working out usually just gets you in shape and makes diets work better, but we still have to cut enough calories to take in less than we put out, blah, blah, blah.

The only ways I’ve lost weight in the past were diet alone or diet and exercise. Hell, I didn’t even lose weight as a dancer 22 years ago, not that I had much fat to spare at the time and not that I was dieting, of course. Sure got into great shape for being the smoker that I was, though.

In 2000 I was 10-15 pounds overweight and we bought a Bowflex machine and I thought, yeah, I can eat all I want now! Wrong. I didn’t lose much more than a few pounds, but I sure did muscle up. I then did some online research and this is when I started learning about how things work and all that.

Although Tom feels confident I’ll lose weight once my medication is adjusted, I don’t see how or why I would simply because the vast majority of people over 40 also complain that losing weight is damn near impossible. Do they all have bum thyroids, too? Unlikely!

The calorie requirement to lose at this age is simply way too low to stand and sustain, and what if I could suddenly snap my fingers and be at an ideal weight? I’d still have to diet at least most of the time or else it would come right back. No thanks! I’d rather just work out to stay fit, eat as sensibly as I can, and just deal with the extra weight. Still, I thank people for their input, even if it’s stuff I’ve heard and have been over a thousand times before.

SUNDAY, MAY 4, 2014
As I “tweeted” on Histofme, I realized how much I’ve changed over the years as far as what I’ll be dumb enough to fall for and what I’ll be dumb enough to put up with. I put up with sooo much shit from sooo many people and in some ways that was almost as bad as a woman who puts up with abuse. When I realized how different my reaction would be to “Teddy Bear” showing up today vs. years ago, that pretty much told me something right there. I’m definitely not nearly as tolerant and forgiving as I once was. In the past, had Teddy Bear apologized for blowing me off and asked to be forgiven, I probably would’ve forgiven her and agreed to move on as friends. Now I’d be like, “Get the fuck out of my face! Just get out.” Really, I don’t forgive and I definitely don’t forget.

When I read through the part where she opens the cell door and says, “Here, give me your hand,” then shakes it and tells me good luck, I immediately thought to myself, “There! She just dismissed me. Why didn’t I fucking see this 13 years ago?”

Who Teddy Bear was is a long story. She can be found in my Maricopa book. I’ll just quickly say she was a detention officer who did a fine job of leading me on with false promises and all kinds of BS. I never expected or wanted to trade in my husband for her, of course, but she gave me every reason to believe she’d be a fun and interesting addition to my life and I was dumb enough to fall for it, too.

Do I like the newer, smarter, less tolerant me? I do. I wish to hell I’d had this attitude years ago as it would’ve saved me a lot of grief. It’s not that I won’t give anyone in the future the time of day; it just means I’m not as naïve and gullible as I once was.

The same can be said for my mother. Had she died 20 years earlier I’d have been all tears and quick to run into her arms if there’s an afterlife where we all meet up with each other. Now, I not only didn’t shed a tear when she died two years ago, each day I am closer to my own death and that means I’m one day closer to beating the shit out of her in the afterlife and giving her a double dose of the pain she once inflicted upon me if that’s ever a possibility. Then again, I suppose that’s just wishful thinking and I’m being as naïve and gullible as I used to be. God will stand in my way and protect her just like He did when she was alive. If He let her hurt me in this life, why would He let me feed her a taste of her own medicine in that life? He did nothing to stop her because He either wanted her to hurt me or He just didn’t care. I see no reason that would change in the afterlife, but if I’m wrong, I’ll get your ass, bitch, in about 30-35 years. That’s one form of revenge I will definitely not pass up if I ever have a chance to act on it with no consequences or harm to myself. So… I’d probably spare my brother and maybe even my father and the evil grandmother that made my mother who she was, but if Mommy Dearest and anyone involved in the framing is there…

Andy knew what he was talking about when he said I was the shortest, angriest person he knew, but then there’s Aileen Wuornos. Anger can make you stronger or it can make you as crazy as it made Aileen, whose childhood actually made mine seem not half bad. I could go on and on listing all kinds of things my parents did to me, but the one thing I never had to fear was going to bed and wondering if I’d wake up to find my father molesting me.

Later…

Haha, Andy woke the brat up next door blasting music. Then it was coo-coo time as Mommy tried to get it back to sleep. Andy then felt bad.

I’m amazed the kid’s not in daycare and the mother isn’t back to work already. Not only can most moms, single or not, not afford to take the time off, but you know how it is today with those under 65 not working, new moms or not. It’s seen as a bad thing, and most guys refuse to support their GFs/wives, so she’s lucky.

Yesterday I fantasized about the idea of each day passing that brings me a day closer to death meaning that I get to return all the pain and suffering to my mother in the afterlife that she inflicted upon me in my earthly life. My punishment for that was a dream of moving into a new house with them, LOL. Only I seemed to be quite thrilled about it, actually.

It was either getting late or we had other things to do because we could only make one trip over there as soon as we got the keys. We all grabbed what we could and drove over there, me riding in the back seat.

Upon arriving at the long 3-bedroom ranch-style house, I ran to pick out my bedroom. I chose a small room with a toilet in one corner (LOL) with green carpet and pink-flowered walls.

The room in the middle was colorless and ordinary. The master bedroom was done in deep reds and had a fireplace in it. “This room’s for you,” I told my folks, knowing they’d want it anyway.

The kitchen had an angled wall with a shelf on it. Some stuff sat on it, including my most valuable collectible doll, which someone had brought over. “Oh, so Bailey’s the first to go home,” I said, and then I ran back into my new bedroom where Tom and some mysterious lady suddenly appeared. The previous owners left their beds and we were all discussing not wanting to sleep on sheets someone else had already slept on.

Later…

Three rats that are about to be served cheesy broccoli can be funny as hell, haha. I took out their bowl and started filling it up outside the cage so they wouldn’t run and grab it and make a mess, and as they were waiting they were bouncing back and forth like a person needing to pee, twirling, etc. Sooo damn funny!

Hoodie is growing up fast and is an official beggar. He knows how to “ask” for treats, come to the door to beg to be let out, be a pest, and all that fun stuff when his mommy is trying to write.

A new diet idea just popped into mind that may not leave me feeling like I’m starving my ass off. I know, I know, I’m predestined to fail and there’s no “magic” diet. If there was, I’d have figured it out long ago and so would others. I’ve still got a bum thyroid, I’m still middle-aged, and I’m still a woman. It was based on that 7-item menu where I eat every 2 hours, starting after being up 2 hours. Maybe I’ll try it next week if only because it certainly can’t hurt even if it doesn’t help.

We need a new microwave cuz ours is starting to rust. I want something simple that doesn’t have a million buttons.

Andy had a point when he said that although he enjoys my writing, I often complain and blame too much on God. I’m an outspoken individual, all right. Some may say I was making up for lost time and that due to being forced to keep things in as a child, I grew up determined to really let it out. Besides, I’m not the kind to play down or sugarcoat things. If something is irritating, I’ll say so.

It isn’t that I don’t blame those who do bad things or my own self when I make some stupid mistake in life. I do blame us humans. But if God is the mastermind of the universe and the people in it, it’s hard not to blame him, too. Like the man who silently sits by while his girlfriend or wife abuses their kid. I blame my mother for abusing me as a kid and my dad for looking the other way. But I also blame God for letting my mother abuse me and letting my dad look the other way. I know, however, that who’s really to blame for this, this and that is really a matter of opinion. Some blame the government for global warming, while most blame the human species as a whole.

Instead of trying to change who I am and complain less often, I will try to add more positive things to my entries as a sort of compromise. As always, no one’s obligated to read my journals because I’m going to write them whether I have 1 reader, 50 readers, 1000 readers, or no readers at all. I began writing many years before they were shared.

I also realize I can come across as hard on myself, though I really do try to just change what I can for the better and accept what I can’t. For every negative, there is usually a positive anyway. I’m fat, but I’m in shape and I’m not ugly, even if this too, may be a matter of opinion and wouldn’t matter or change anything if I were ugly. I have shitty vision, but I have glasses that help me to see. God may hate me, but my husband loves me unconditionally and has never complained about my shortcomings or made fun of my fears/phobias. I can’t control when I sleep, but I’m up 16-18 hours just like most people. I’m not fluent in every single language I’ve studied, but I can read, write, and speak enough of them. Hypothyroidism sucks, but it’s better than cancer. I wouldn’t turn heads if I was single and looking, but I would do a great job of turning off the perverts as well.

SATURDAY, MAY 3, 2014
Over the years I have learned so, so much, like most of us do as we age. Or at least like most of us should learn and hope to learn. When I was young I once believed from the bottom of my heart that all homeless people were lazy or on drugs or alcohol and “asked” to be on the streets. I believed all fat people ate tons of sugary sweets and too much of it. I believed anyone could lose weight so long as they wanted to, ate right, and worked out. I believed God loved everyone, too.

Then one day I grew up and reality hit me, not just from firsthand experience but from what I’ve seen and observed and witnessed with my very own eyes as well, be it in person, from a friend, the internet…wherever.

In 2007 my husband and I spent 36 hours on the streets and suffered years of poverty. We were not lazy. We were not drunk. We were not on drugs. We didn’t ask for it. Instead, the greedy bankers that caused the economy to collapse took it upon themselves to give it to us, no questions asked.

A young adult female my height can be 100-110 pounds. As she matures her bones grow in density and she acquires more muscle, especially if she works out. She should then be 120-125 pounds. I work out, eat healthy every day but Saturday, and consume less than the standard 2000-calorie-a-day recommendation. Even so, I’m usually 148-152 pounds and diet and exercise could never get a pound or an inch to budge from me unless I were damn near starved every day of my life, thanks to hypothyroidism.

I have been abused as a child and was legally victimized by a corrupt cop who was friends with our old neighbors (welfare bums whom we lodged a complaint against). Although I was ultimately vindicated after losing 6 months of my life, thousands of dollars, and suffering an untold amount of stress and anger, these are just a few of the hardships I’ve endured in life with some people suffering much, much worse than I have. So no, God does not love us all equally. If He does, then something else up there doesn’t, and just the fact that He does nothing to step in and pull us out of the water when we’re drowning, to me, is like a man watching his GF or wife beat their kid and doing nothing to stop it.

We no longer rent a dumpy old single-wide trailer and drive a 20-year-old car. Instead, we own a doublewide house and drive an 11-year-old luxury car.

But I still hate God and I’m still fat and that’s ok. The point in this? I guess it’s just to say that not all stereotypes and beliefs are true, and no matter how you see the world, we all gotta just make the best of it. :)

It’s Saturday folks. Bake a batch of cookies and enjoy. :) We’re all gonna die someday anyway.

Later…

Although I hated to do it because I’m not a fan of Facebook, I created another account there just for pictures I’ve taken. Facebook may suck overall, but it doesn’t run snail-slow like Photobucket has been, and I don’t intend to ever add any friends to my second account. That way the account can be public and I can have a way of sharing pics with non-Facebook friends without exposing my real Facebook friends that have left comments on pics in my main account.

Although I have not heard from those who have stalked me in nearly half a year, and although they never actually harassed my friends on Facebook (they reached out to them on other sites, though), I feel “naked” exposing my Facebook circle to the public. It’s no one’s business, stalker or not, who I interact with there. Other sites, it doesn’t matter, but when it comes to my “real” Facebook account, I like to keep it closed to outside eyes.

I checked into other picture-sharing sites but found a problem with all of them. Too complicated to navigate, too limited, too this, too that, so that’s why I ended up creating an additional Facebook account. Really wish MyOpera hadn’t shut down their blog/photo site.

I could load pics on Blogger and other sites, but I can’t group them into albums like I’d like to do. I’m uploading tons of albums tonight. Some have just a handful of pics, others have hundreds.

I made myself as hard to contact as I could. You can send me messages there, but only friends of friends can add me so that stamps out any chance of anyone requesting to add me. You’re welcome to follow me, though. I’ve got very little personal info. Again, the point is to share pics on this account and not socialize. I thought of making a group on my main account, but if I had a public group I not only still couldn’t group them into albums, but I couldn’t keep my friends out of it that way. I wanted a place where anyone could see my pics, but not my friends and our communications. I’m not going to bother to organize the pics within the albums, though.

In last night’s dream, I was 10 years younger, receiving disability benefits (I think), and living with my foster parents. I didn’t know Tom. We all lived in a huge house and they decided to make one attempt to sell the place and leave it to fate. They even had a party where everyone dressed up. It didn’t sell, though.

After picking up Lady Di’s receipt for $175 worth of makeup which I found on the floor, I was bound and determined to try to beat my sleep disorder and get a nearby job (as a waitress?). It was in some building where it was snowing only on one side of it.

Fearing I’d miss the last bus, I hurried home and decided I would tell Mom and Dad about my sleep issues and that I hoped to try to overcome them, not that what I’ve got is “overcomeable.” If I couldn’t beat it, though, I would pay them some rent in other ways, be it cleaning for them, etc.

FRIDAY, MAY 2, 2014
Went out running and felt a pain in my knee and then my hamstring. So I walked instead and the pain let up. I decided to take advantage of the pain and detoured to the lake since I’d never been there before. It was so nice and peaceful. The ducks were asleep. The fountains have lights in the centers of them. I sat on the bench for a few minutes and enjoyed the peace and quiet. All I heard was the water spraying from the fountains and a couple of horn honks. I said to myself, what’s wrong with this picture? Why is it so quiet, not a soul around, early on a Friday night?

Yeah, you guessed it. That’s just a retirement park for you. I laughed to myself knowing that if young people lived here the place would be rocking like it was New Year’s Eve! I was only out there for 20 minutes, but some time is better than no time.

Funny Andy should mention Stacey when catching up on my journals and past dreams because I had my first dream about her in a long time. She drove through the Cypress trees and into the carport, and then she exited her car and thanked me for something.

Poor Andy. I feel so bad for him. He’s already tired of hearing the baby next door cry and the mother cooing to it. Why people even have kids in attached dwellings is beyond me. Just like they have places for older folks, they should have a place for families so the singles can live in peace. Andy shouldn’t have to live with it any more than I should have in Norwich and Phoenix. Part of the reason I didn’t want kids was because I couldn’t stand all the noise (besides the time and money it would steal). So it kinda defeats the purpose when you get stuck having to deal with other people’s kids. Wait till that thing starts running up and down the stairs. Those have got to be awfully thin walls if he can hear Mom cooing to the thing. And why do they bother with the cooing anyway? It’s a baby for God’s sake. It’s not going to shut up for years. Cooing to it is as useless as cooing to a cow. Familiar voices may comfort it to a degree, but there is only so much comfort you can give something that just doesn’t know any better yet.

THURSDAY, MAY 1, 2014
I suspect that as long as there’s nothing serious going on like any kind of an infection, the burning and itching I get down there is probably caused by my feminine spray as well as shaving. I hate that unsanitary feeling that comes with being too bushy down there, but maybe I should just limit the areas I trim. After not using these items for a while I hope that the bumps I have around my clit go away. If not I guess I’ll have to make a pap app.

Andy and his “nigga” pics! Again I have to wonder if it isn’t aimed at me. It’s like he’s trying to annoy me. Unfortunately, I’m not psychic enough to see into his head, but if he isn’t trying to annoy or offend me, then this guy’s no “friend.”

One way you can tell fewer people are having kids these days is the lack of screaming brats in restaurants and fast food joints. It used to be that just about every time we’d go to one, some kid would be screaming its head off, its mother not giving a shit, as usual. Today we can eat in peace most of the time, most places we go.

Got a new wind chime, wind twister, and wind spinner at Rite Aid the other day. The chime is the biggest one I’ve ever had. Its longest chime is at least two feet. The twister is another one of those with crystals – two clear and one blue. The wind spinner would be nice if it had some wind to go with it, but between now and the fall there won’t be much of that.

I can run in warmer temps when it’s dark, so I left at 73° and returned at 68° at around 11pm last night. Tonight’s my night off from that. I’ll work my arms and abs.

I’ve been sleeping more solidly since taking the new dosage, but don’t know if there’s a connection or not. I would usually wake up several times during my sleep, even though it was usually just for a second. I crashed at 7am and when I next opened my eyes, I thought it’d be 10-something, but nope. It was 3pm and I was wide-awake.

As expected, no weight loss. I could probably get some of it off on a 1000-calorie diet, but there’s just no way I can keep it that low every day. Better to just eat when I’m hungry and keep the fat.

Today I’m going to begin the proofreading of my book, but don’t have any plans to have it published on Amazon due to the lack of sales not making the effort worth it. I’m lucky to have made $30 off the last two. I can make 4 times that much a month working the Turk. I write because I enjoy it. It is a very black and white field. You’re either rich and famous from it or you’re a nothing nobody.

It just hit me that the only reason Maliheh showed up on my tracker wasn’t that she opened and read them, but just because she checked her mail. This may explain why most were usually “opened” 2-3 times and not just once. Then as new messages came in and mine would get older, she’d stop showing up on my tracker. She could’ve marked them as spam and only when she goes to check her spam box does she show up on my tracker. Or maybe she really did open and read them. She strikes me as the type, like the black bitch, to hope there’s something in it she could use against me.

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 30, 2014
Kyla’s Secret was officially declared a winner just before midnight at 50,170 words! Between that and our new 2003 Cadillac Seville, life is good. :) Wish I could stay up and write more details about the Caddy, but I’m beat. I slept horribly yesterday. Don’t know why, but I kept waking up constantly. Don’t remember much in the way of dreams other than a spider on the wall and an ant trail on the floor. Maybe I was just a bit wound up cuz now that I finished the lower dosages of my medication, I started the 75 mcg of levothyroxine and worried about possible side effects like a racy heart, but I was fine.

For now, I will just say it saddens me that despite how mean and horrible the racist comment was made by the old Clipper’s coach, how can we call ourselves The Land of the Free when we can sue someone for words? Don’t actions speak louder than words. Words may be cruel, false and unfair, but my God! Words are still just words and words don’t mean shit without the actions to back them up. You know, sort of like telling someone you’re going to slap them vs. actually doing it?

Not only is it a shame that we can be sued for the words we say, but once again, here’s another classic case of those shitty dual standards we love to have seeing that the black guy who said oughta have an all-black league never got sued for his own racist comment. It’s pretty sad, that not only do we not have the freedom to express ourselves just because others may not want to hear it, but that if you’re black it’s ok to spew all the hate you want. Then people like me who are sick of the unfairness are automatically labeled “racist.”

I’m not going to apologize or feel ashamed or guilty for my own beliefs and opinions either. I don’t care if they’re in the “norm” or not. They are what they are. Period. :)

Later…

Went for my first ride in our new 2003 Cadillac Seville that looks brand spanking new, and wow! Just WOW! I know that most newer cars from 2005 on up have the same bells and whistles since they started implementing most luxury features in new vehicles, but after years and years of driving old shit, just the power windows/locks and a working AC is sheer luxury to us! As I told Tom before we got this car, we no longer live like bums, but we still drive like bums (even though he drives and I ride), LOL. But now we have a car that goes with this park. I still cannot believe we live in a beautiful home in a luxury park and own a luxury car! The only thing I don’t like about my new posh existence is the expenses. The space rent, mortgage and car payments total around $1200 a month. Once the house and car are paid off we’ll save about $500 a month.

The car was 5k and Tom was told by the loan lady that he was actually getting quite a deal on it since it’s worth more like 7k these days. It was 45k brand new. We got it on loan so that we’d still have cash on hand for emergencies. Just because you can pay for things like cars and carpet outright, doesn’t mean you should if you don’t want to drain most of your savings. We’ll pay it off before the 3 years are up, though.

The car isn’t in mint condition but it’s pretty damn close. We need to get the passenger window fixed because the mechanism that drives it up and down doesn’t work. It also needs a chip filled in in the windshield, and a new battery. The Ford has a new deluxe kick-ass battery and he’s going to see if it will fit in this car.

Although I won’t miss the Ford, I gotta admit it was not only very comfortable but was very reliable during the 7 years we’ve had it. It has a lot of little things wrong with it and Tom figured out what the knocking sound is that he’s been hearing when he slows down. He knew it was connected to the breaks, obviously, but I guess it has to do with cylinders and pads rubbing against each other. In February, when it comes time to relicense it, we’ll decide if it’s worth keeping as a backup or not. He has roadside assistance so that if the Caddy does break down they’ll tow it for nothing. There are other “amenities” of sorts and special treatment it gets I guess just for being a luxury car.

Now to go over some of the features, though there are so many I’m sure I’ll forget some. The most important thing is reliability. The cool features are just a bonus. The reason he opted for an older lux car instead of a newer economy car was that then we’d be more likely to get a working AC for the amount we wanted to spend. I hated not having an AC in the summers even though it’s not nearly as unbearable as down in the desert. I also hate how open windows make my hair whip into my face and even my lip gloss.

My parents always had Cadillacs and Lincolns, but the Caddy they had in the 70s looks nothing like this. Theirs was huge and ugly. It was a dull and flat ugly yellowy gold and the back sides kind of stuck up like fins. Might’ve been the El Dorado.

Anyway, the dealership started to piss Tom off that he almost left. They were being pushy with trying to get names and addresses supposedly for credit. Over and over Tom had to tell them “no,” since he didn’t need to worry about his credit because he had a check in his hand to pay for the thing in full. He knew what they really wanted was a mailing list. When he threatened to walk out, they finally shut up. I hate pushy people! Be it those trying to cram religion down my throat or to get me to do/be something I’m not interested in pisses me off almost as much as being lied to. I have close to zero tolerance for those types and will dump them almost as fast as I would a bipolar, delusional nutjob.

Anyway, the speedometer and that area look cool cuz it’s 3D, so the red needle is in front of the green letters and numbers underneath. It can go 140 MPH, though I can’t imagine where you’d drive that fast. It has an alarm, tells you when it’s time to change the oil, the engine’s temp, if the battery’s low, a million ways to adjust the steering wheel and seats, sensors in back to help warn you if you’re going to back into something, and basically the same things newer cars have, but that’s cool to one who has yet to experience these fun extras.

There’s a digital compass in the rearview mirror, you can warm it up via remote from inside the house before you go out in colder weather. No LED headlights, but it’s got halogen lights which are pretty bright, and heated back seats. Can’t imagine anyone ever being back there, though, other than Andy when we pick him up from the airport, LOL.

One of the coolest things – again, I know this has gotten pretty standard, but it’s new to us – is the dual AC zone. It has a digital temp display that can be adjusted individually. So Tom could be 76° if he wanted to be while I was 78°. I believe the back has its own adjuster too, in back of the front seat that you can program. It has tinted windows which are nice and is thunder gray. Boring but not ugly like I thought it’d be. It’s amazingly shiny and when you look at it in the direct sunlight you can see glitter in it that’s way cool.

No GPS screen, but surprisingly it has a CD player AND a cassette deck. I’m surprised because it’s an ’03, not a ’93, but I guess Cadillac tends to cater to older folks, LOL. I’m just glad we don’t live in a seedy neighborhood with no garage!

The trunk is nice and roomy. When he showed it to me I said, “Wow, you could fit two bodies in there,” and then Tom jokingly replied, “Yeah, that’s what I always look for when I buy a new car; how many bodies I can fit in the trunk. When you accidentally lock yourself in it, just pull this lever.”

I thought he was joking at first, but sure enough, there really is a lever you can pull, haha.

Again, I know you guys are probably rolling your eyes saying, “But all cars have that these days,” but it also has what I call a grocery net. It’s to hold things securely in the trunk.

It’s 5” wider than the Taurus and 7” longer, though it doesn’t seem it. It gets about the same mileage gas-wise as the Taurus. So it’s not a gas-guzzler but not a great deal either. He paid $60 to fill it up when we went out earlier.

Not sure but I think that as with newer cars, it may have a voice that tells you when you’re low on gas besides just words that indicate it, but I’m not positive on that one.

One really cool thing is that not only does any music playing get louder the more traffic noise it detects, but if you set the fan speed of the heat/AC to auto, the fan speeds up as the car gets warmer when you’re using the AC, then slows down when it gets cooler. Again, I’m guessing this is standard in ‘05s and up, but new to us.

The leather seats are firmer and more comfortable than the Ford’s cloth seats, but I prefer cloth to leather because the leather burns when it’s really hot. I can easily get a cushion for my side later on.

It has this thing where Tom could program the gate code, but the idiots forgot to enclose the extra key. They’re mailing it to us. I guess you can’t just go get duplicates cuz there’s a transmitter inside the key that needs to be programmed to match the car. Plus you have to go through a series of maneuvers to get it to work the first time. Like locking and unlocking the doors 3 times, lowering the window twice, etc.

The ride is way smoother. The car doesn’t rock like the Taurus would if you hit a bump. I feel silly going on and on about all these wonderful features that are now pretty standard, but that’s how long we had to do without these extras in life. Hell, I still can’t believe I can walk up to a readily hooked-up and available full-size washer anytime I want!

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Last updated August 22, 2024