April 2013 in 2010s

Tuesday, April 30, 2013
Before I get to Mary, Tom came home at his usual time after his usual 10-hour shift, totally exhausted. Too exhausted to gather numbers in local parks for homes that are for sale by owner/parks, which aren’t usually listed online. Oh, but nothing up there is trying to hold us back, right? God just LOVES us, right? He doesn’t want to see us living in someone else’s trashy trailer, and if I just dropped to my knees and asked to get out of here, He’d be quick to help push things along, right? Right? He didn’t mean for things to take so damn long any more than he meant for my mother to abuse me or for me to be legally screwed by my own perps, right? He’s oh so sorry He let all that happen.

rolls eyes In reality, Tom’s blood sugar was really low, so he found when he got home, and all he wanted to do was eat and go to bed. But after eating he felt a million times better. He suspects he had too many sugary snacks at work and didn’t eat enough real food, so he’ll make sure to grab something to eat on the way to do his park homework. Then whatever’s up there can interfere and delay things in other ways.

Today’s bank day. He’s going to see if he can qualify for a loan since he’s the one who’s 55 and therefore the one that needs to do this. The question is whether or not they do manufactured home loans in this area. If not, can he qualify for a personal loan? That’d be the next step. It may take a week before we find out.

I just wish he’d see about working just 8 hours a day. I understand that $21 an hour may make him more motivated, but his health is what’s more important. Besides, we can’t accomplish much if he’s always working or sleeping. Our total worth is over 20K and that’s for people who don’t own a place. Money’s nice, but we don’t really need any more at this time. We could live off our savings for a year.

But I’m getting fed up with all the delays, and if we don’t give notice next month, I’m either giving up or giving into another shitbox like this in a dumpier park that’ll take anyone. I’m tired of this shit month after month, but I’m not going to let whatever’s messing with our mission to find a home of our own win!

Got up this morning and checked in with Andy on Ask, then Nane on FB, who had me laughing my ass off (in a good way). I called her a maravilloso friend (marvelous) and she thought I was calling her a mariposa friend (butterfly). So I woke up to her laughing about being a Schmetterling friend, ROTFL. That one’s almost as funny as me accidentally putting the yellow in the wallet (gelb) instead of the money (geld) when I was studying on LM and she corrected one of my exercises.

So about Mary – I don’t know what the hell is going on, but thanks to Alison, I now know she didn’t deactivate her account, she blocked me. But why??? I really wish those who no longer want to be friends with me on FB would just unfriend me and leave it at that instead of blocking me because that only jeopardizes my account. I would think it would anyway. This is totally not like Mary. Not at all like the woman who always said I was like the sister she never had and how she’d never dump me. We were getting along fine, so what happened? Regardless of why she decided to kick me out of her life (though why send an invite from LinkedIn if she really did?) she could’ve at least told me what was going on.

Despite Mary’s odd behavior, I don’t feel betrayed. I still think something came up that has nothing to do with me and that I’ll eventually find out what it is. I messaged her victim’s advocacy page and emailed her, so we’ll see. Meanwhile, she’s an adult who has to do what she has to do.

Someone in Grand Prairie, TX has literally spent hours in my OD blog for days now, along with someone in Fountain Hills, AZ. It’s amazing! Lots of Arizona viewers on OD. I wondered if this was cause for concern, but if it were anyone connected to the blacks, why view that blog and not my others?

Still getting hits on my jail entries from various states, and lately there have been three from Glendale, AZ. Again, I wonder if it’s anything to worry about, and again I doubt it. I think they just Googled the jail. If anything about those entries could get me in trouble, why haven’t they already?

Again I have to remind myself I really do have the right to express myself. My rights were only violated because I didn’t know how to defend myself and my naivety to the law was taken advantage of. There was also a black person with friends in high places involved. But that was then and this is now.

Monday, April 29, 2013
This is going to be another quick update only because there just isn’t really anything to update on other than Mary’s disappearance. She deactivated on Facebook and deleted her blogs. I figured she was just having a bad day or maybe some idiot was bullying her and not that she dumped me and others as well. Then I got an email saying she wanted to connect with me on LinkedIn, only I don’t use my account there. I only created it because I wanted to get a hold of a member there that I couldn’t find on FB.

I don’t know why it annoys me so much, but the creating and deleting of accounts gets on my nerves because it makes it hard for me to keep up with people. Now I have to allow for friend requests on FB from everyone when I would prefer to limit it to friends of friends, so Mary can add me from whatever new account she creates. Why can’t people just stick to ONE account only on sites?! Each account does the same thing, so why isn’t one enough? I can see if you’re being stalked or your account was compromised, but this seems to be a very common practice.

Anyway, I’m sure Mary must have her reasons for deactivating.

Sunday, April 28, 2013
Still no Molly. Even Kim’s gone silent on Ask, though I’m sure she’ll be back soon enough.

I forgot to say that Molly’s mother sent Alison a couple of messages saying Molly’s “happy and healthy” but still not allowed online, then she immediately blocked her afterward, WTF? Why does she think she gives a shit? As long as we’re left alone, we don’t care how she’s doing.

It’s going to be 90° today and Tom and I are just hanging out doing this and that and thinking about getting out of here. The big question I have is can we go 60 days or less in this place without anything breaking?

The night before last I dreamt I was in a large crowded room with Nane. I pointed in front of us and said “Pferde.” That means horses.

Last night, however, I was at both our old houses in Arizona, only I was outside of the Maricopa one. The Phoenix one’s floor creaked as I walked on it, even though it wouldn’t in real life. It’s on a slab foundation. There were also these decorative tiles in the bathroom that I remembered that were never really there.

Later…

Something Tom said earlier only reminded me just how wonderful he truly is. I was commenting on how hard he’s worked and how helpless I still feel at times with my limitations and all that, and he was quick to point out that I do help a lot by not only taking care of things around here, but by winning us enough money to get out of the motels like I did that was sucking every last dime out of us. And a reliable car to drive as well.

What a great guy he is to focus on my strengths and not my weaknesses! To anyone else, my winning us out of the motels would be history. Just a long-ago memory. They’d say something like, “That was years ago, today is today!” Instead of seeing what I can do and how I can contribute, they would only see what I couldn’t do. It’s sad, but true that when most people consider a new friend, lover or roommate, they see only what they can contribute and how their lives could possibly benefit by having them around. If they have to give more than they can take, they don’t want anything to do with you. So what if you may be a sweet person who’s loads of fun to be around. If you can’t contribute “fairly” then none of it matters, even if it’s not your fault that you can’t and no matter how much you wish you could give more than you can.

This is one way to know who truly cares about us, though, is when we just can’t give or do enough for those who expect us to give equally if not more.

Saturday, April 27, 2013
Sorry I didn’t finish up yesterday with our new plans. I was both too busy and too tired to post the entry, though I did get most of it written.

After Friday’s disappointment, I only went online long enough to break the bad news, then slipped into bed. It was not only the end of my day, but I try to avoid others when I’m down so as not to bring them down too, or give them the wrong idea. I understand how easy this would be to do even when we don’t mean to. Whenever something or someone gets us angry or sad, only we can really know the full story and how we truly feel about it. So if you’re not one of the ones to actually experience the situation, it’s only natural to find yourself jumping to conclusions that are probably false. Not knowing the full story is like trying to grasp flies in the dark and this can cause one to jump to conclusions that only pisses an upset person off even more. Not that I expected anyone to jump the gun and piss me off, but I was just too bummed out to do much writing and explaining at the time, and wanted to wait until I had a full night’s sleep.

I don’t know why, but sometimes when I lose out on something it can make me feel like a loser overall, even if it wasn’t my fault or anything I had any control over. Things that had absolutely nothing to do with house hunting ate at me, like my sleep disorder, driving phobia, weight… everything.

You’re such a loser, I told myself, wondering if I actually deserved my mother’s abuse even though that logical side of me still said this wasn’t true. Fuck the doctors and all the online medical reports that say there’s no cure for your problem! I told myself. If all you get is 2-3 hours of sleep before you have to get up for work, tough shit! Get up, get in a car like everyone else in the world, and go to work at the first job that’ll hire you cuz working at home isn’t “real life.” And don’t quit at retirement age. Quit when you’re simply too old to work anymore. All fears, phobias, and medical conditions can be conquered, right? So if you want to be a foot taller, then so be it! Even the paralyzed could get up out of their wheelchairs and walk if they really, really wanted to, correct?

Yeah, right. The nap I had to take yesterday from the exhaustion from staying up 18-20 hours a day for many days to push my schedule around for our waste of time house viewing was a reminder that we all have our various limitations, like it or not. Whatever’s up there may have me on a tight little leash in many ways, but it can’t keep us here forever.

Before I get to our new plan (details won’t be made public), while it still sucks that we didn’t get the Newcastle house, there were some negatives besides all the damn spiders. We know we couldn’t have gotten high-speed internet, even if it wouldn’t have been as slow as this, and the hilly terrain would’ve made bike riding horrible. And where would I ride to? Other than the pool and clubhouse, there are no stores or restaurants nearby to ride to with or without Tom anymore than there is here. There was nothing but farmland all around this park. So while it’s still a bummer that we didn’t get it, it wouldn’t have been perfect. Just close to it.

Unless God strikes us dead with a bolt of lightning, the new game plan should simply be a matter of doing it just like doing the laundry is simply a matter of me throwing the clothes in the washer. But either way, we’re giving notice by June 1st, no ands, ifs or buts. Like I said earlier, I realized we’re not going to be able to casually breeze on out of this place. We’re going to have to go crashing out head first. I don’t know why it’s so damn important to God or whatever the hell’s up there that I be stuck in places I don’t want to be in, but it’s been that way for the most part since I was 15 years old where I practically had to fight tooth and nail to get out. This is nothing new. Makes me wonder if I burned people’s dream homes in a previous life or something. But we WILL escape the Jes pest and his mutts!

Ok, so next week will be spent going to all the parks in the area and getting numbers for homes for sale by owner or by the park. I’ll take anything. Really. Even another small old dumpy single-wide would be ok because it will at least be ours. Tom still thinks we can get a decent doublewide, though.

Also, by Thursday of next week, we should know what our new credit score is. Once we know the numbers we can then talk to our bank about either a personal loan or a manufactured home loan, which they definitely do because Tom checked into it.

If by week 2, beginning on the 6th, the bank turns us down, then we continue with week 1’s tasks. If we’re approved, however, then we pick out a place in our favorite park and see if the park will accept us.

By week 3, if we’re still not able to get a place, we call the realtor, tell her what we want and see if she can find us anything. If the parks won’t take us, then by week 4 we’ll have to pay the Oregon scammers we’re still trying to dispute. It may be our only way in and we may also have to get a place we can afford to buy outright. That’s no biggy, though. We’ve seen enough decent places starting as low as 10K. Either way, the Jes pest is less than 35 days away from bad news!

Friday, April 26, 2013
I never thought that receiving eight thousand dollars could end up being such a bummer of a day for me. That, combined with our savings, now leaves us with an unbelievable amount of money that neither of us could ever have foreseen.

Our would-be death date was October 1, 2011. By the 3rd our bodies would have been discovered. Had someone told us that a miracle would happen on September 27, 2011, and that in less than two years we’d have the amount of money we now have, I’d have an easier time believing I’d lose both parents, a sibling and a foster parent in the same year. Really, I’d have laughed my ass off.

But what happened yesterday was anything but funny.

After depositing the check in the bank and signing forms that I dropped in the mailbox for Walter, who worked so long and hard to bleed as much money as he could from the assholes that were my parents at least biology-wise, we headed for the park.

The park is made up of 3 tiers of homes on steep hillsides. There are a few lakes scattered about in the center of the park by the pool and clubhouse. Upon first entering the park, I wasn’t that impressed. It’s like Tom said, some of it was dumpy, some of it was nice. Most of the homes were dumpy or just there. It was warm at the time, so some of the old folks were out sitting in front of their places, and not one of them failed to wave as we passed by, LOL. That’s just a small rural town for you, I guess. It wouldn’t surprise me if they were all lined up with cakes and other treats to welcome their newcomers, even those in wheelchairs.

Although nothing overly nice or fancy, I knew I wouldn’t mind a lakeside house even if that meant having neighbors beyond close to me, but nothing there was for sale. It would probably be a bit outrageous if they were there, but maybe not. One of the lakeside houses that had its carport on the other side of the lake and alongside the road like most of them seemed to, was chock full of piles of junk. Mostly old furniture. I was a bit surprised that the park would allow for that kind of an eyesore. It definitely wasn’t as nice, overall, as Lakeview Village.

Because I’m a writer and because I sometimes sleep during the daytime, it’s important to me to get the quietest place we can. A place that isn’t sandwiched in by other places would be especially nice. Well, as soon as we saw the house for sale up at the top tier I was like OMG! The location was the most ideal and by far the best we’d seen as of yet. It was almost as secluded as this place, only people can drive by it. I’m not going to get into it much since it’s not going to be ours, but somehow I knew the bastard above wouldn’t be that nice to let us have something that ideal. Hey, if God could sit back and allow my parents to abuse me, why would He let us have the perfect home? It wasn’t 100% perfect, but it was pretty close, even though it went against everything the few dreams I’ve had hinted at. The house wasn’t in the 1400s square footage-wise, it wasn’t blue or tan, it wasn’t built in 1988, and it wasn’t in Citrus Heights, which I always guessed the dream with all the citrus trees might’ve been representing. The house number also had a 4 in it, a very unlucky number, which I was quick to point out and remind Tom of as we walked around the outside of the place waiting for the realtor. We got there before she did because the bank didn’t take as long as we thought it would.

One of its biggest negatives was all the spiders. I’ve never seen so many damn spiders and webs and even some beehives were present, too. Something about the area attracted them (the lakes?) I don’t know why I’m creeped out by spiders and their sticky webs for one who has no problem with rats, mice and snakes, but I hate ‘em all.

Standing in the carport and looking up, the roof of the carport seemed miles above my head since the home is raised. I loved how carports ran alongside both sides because that would help with keeping it cooler. Plus, you can leave windows open without worrying about rain getting in, not that it rains much here.

So finally she (Christine) pulls up. “How long have you been here?” she asked.

Why are all you realtors blond? I wanted to ask, but instead we politely smiled and said, “Not long.”

“I will tell you up front,” she began as she fumbled for the key to the door, leaving me standing just a few steps below her surrounded by enough spiders and webs for a horror movie, “that an offer was made on the house I showed some man last night and it was accepted.

While I looked at Tom and thought, I told you so, I mumbled, “Aw, that’s too bad.”

Finally, we were inside the house. Most people would consider it small, but to me, it was rather monstrous after being cramped into this tiny 500-square-foot dump with 7’ ceilings that even seem low to little gymnast-sized me. It felt good to be in a real house. A real, honest-to-God house with standard 2x4 construction and 8’ ceilings, etc. Trailers with flimsy walls and tin roofs get so cold and so warm so easily, but the fact that it was pleasant in there at 5pm was proof enough of it being built like a real house. Just a house on a steel frame. I was surprised it was a ’77 model, though. It really seemed more like the early ’80s. I loved it. There wasn’t much about it I didn’t like. Even the paneling wasn’t bad cuz it was so light. I didn’t like the kitchen wallpaper one bit, but that could’ve been changed.

Then she made some bogus excuse about not being able to get a hold of us in time to cancel the showing which was bullshit, of course, since they want you to hire them to help you find what you want.

You could’ve done your sales pitch by phone, bitch, I thought, but in reality, we just might hire her at some point. Meanwhile, we’re on as a backup if the guy that bought it doesn’t come through. In other words, if he’s hit by a meteorite or abducted by aliens, then we can maybe have it. For now, Christine and whatever’s up there that’s hell-bent on trying to stop us from moving and that thinks this is all we deserve, can go take a 450-degree dildo, shove it up their asses and sit on it. Here’s this near-perfect little house that has been for sale for months and it HAPPENS to sell just HOURS before I get my money? That is NOT a fucking coincidence!

So, back out in Spider Kingdom we went, me on the verge of tears as we made our way to our car. I wanted to give up, but a bigger part of me wanted to take anything. Yes, anything. The first thing we could get as even a carbon copy of this place would be better than staying here because it would at least be ours.

What if the fact that I haven’t gotten more clues in my dreams really means there’s no house to go to? I wondered. Even Andy’s beginning to believe my God curse. Yes, I do know a thing or two about that just like with the reverse discrimination thing and the favoring of non-whites. His friend may be weird, crazy and a lot of things, but she isn’t dumb. I made sure of that years ago when I actually WAS dumb and realized that what we don’t know really can hurt us.

This entry is getting long, so I’ll cover our new game plan in my next entry.

Thursday, April 25, 2013
Today’s the day we’ll both be seeing the house. But am I going to see just any house or a house that’s to be ours??? I really hope I’m as impressed as Tom was and that this is it! Especially since whoever was staying with Jesse has apparently left now that the dogs are back to their barking sprees. It’s bad enough being cramped in this old dive, hoping nothing breaks before we can get out, but now I have to listen to the barking again on top of the saws, hammers and loud vehicles. The saws and hammers have tapered off a bit, though. It’s getting a little late in the year for that to be a regular thing. Scattered daytime barking fits are one thing as Jesse comes and goes and comes and goes, but now I’m going to have to deal with the 7pm – 3am barking fits as well when the Jes pest goes out to screw some crab-infested hooker on weekends. I better put back the sound machines I removed from the bathroom and kitchen. sighs I knew it wouldn’t last forever, though. As they say, all good things come to an end.

I just hope we get moved soon! I’m excited about seeing the house but trying not to get too hopeful. Worst-case scenario, we can’t get a loan and we have to buy a cheaper one outright and pay the scammers off so the park will accept us.

Just being able to once again use the decorative faceplates and maybe some of the curtains we bought for our Arizona house in our new house is a pretty wonderful and emotional thought. They’ve been packed away for years, never again to be used, or so I thought. The losing of our house/land will still always be a sad memory for me, though, just like what happened in the fall of 2011 and at the motel will always be a scary one.

“God punishes us for the sins of our forefathers,” someone once told me. Well, then that’s even more reason to believe that God is evil and vengeful if one exists and that was true. What “good” God would make someone pay for someone else’s wrongdoings? And who would pay for mine since I have no offspring for any God to take it out on?

Punished for our forefathers or not, I worried for a minute yesterday that something was going to make going to see the house later on today a bit of a challenge, and maybe even not possible. The alternator went out on the car, so Tom had to run up and get a new one, which he installed himself in an hour. While it was a pain in the ass for him and $150 may be a lot of money in itself, I’m just glad it doesn’t even put a dent in our savings. These kinds of unexpected expenses used to leave us flat broke, so I really, really appreciate not having to struggle till the next paycheck because of it… until we are poor once again.

Wednesday, April 24, 2013
I will be going to see the house tomorrow at 5pm. My money should arrive tomorrow, too. I really hope this is it! Tom couldn’t figure out why the place hasn’t sold yet since it’s been so, so incredibly well maintained over the years and seems so ideal in so many ways. He said the only thing he thought might be keeping it from selling was due to it being smaller and older and on the upper tier of the park. You can’t see the lake from it at all. There’s too much brush in the way even though the roof of the house on the second to last tier is below the house’s floor.

But then Tom learned more info about the house, info the realtor didn’t have the first time they met and that hasn’t been online. Its roof is less than 10 years old, its AC is less than a year old, and the plumbing was redone recently as well.

It sounds almost too good to be true. Not that it isn’t true, but something I worry we could never get lucky enough to get. And at what additional cost would we get it at if we did? Would shit break like crazy like it did with our brand-new home in 1999? At least it’s already been lived in, so if there were any problems, they’d have caught and fixed them beforehand.

I’m hoping that the lack of dreams about moving into a place will be made up with a “yes or no” dream after I see it. After we saw this place and I was starting to fall asleep that night in our Sacramento motel room, I saw a sparkling bouquet of flowers in these woods in my dreams and knew for sure we were in. Of course, this is all provided we don’t learn something we don’t like or that it doesn’t sell first.

We were worried about having the same shitty Internet and cell service there since it too, is another rural town, but the wires are underground there, unlike here. That would make a faster, more reliable connection more likely, whereas here the wires are raised and trees and wind can bend them. So we should be able to get decent enough service even if it’s not the best. Anything’s gotta be better than this shit anyway.

The only dream I remember last night was a B&E dream. Only a stranger didn’t do the B&E. We did. We were living attached to a father and his 10-year-old son. They were very quiet, though, mostly due to having super thick walls between our place and theirs. I don’t know why in the world we felt compelled to break into their side, but we did. Tom was fiddling with some electronics when I glanced at a wall clock and saw we’d been there for 25 minutes. I then told Tom, who had started to relax in a recliner and watch TV that we should leave. So we did. Out on the street, we saw the son walking up the sidewalk on his way home from school, and I wondered if he saw us exit his place.

Tom was disappointed to learn that his “raise” was a measly 35¢, so now he’s at something like $14.05 an hour. We compared our savings to what it was a year ago, and OMG! It’s amazing that we could save 10K without even trying and while living in a somewhat expensive place. We’ve done nothing to cut back on our outrageous grocery bills and we still buy fun things fairly regularly. It’s still kind of sad that he had to slave his ass off and work a lot of OT to get it while others are showered with free money and gifts for nothing, but that’s just life. I just wish I was in a position to work outside of home too, and know I would appreciate whatever I could get just like anyone else would. Then again, maybe not quite like anyone else. Due to all the work-at-home bashers I took it to mean most people were big on working “normal” jobs, but then Andy pointed out that most people don’t want to work. I asked Tom and he agreed. Ok, now let me get this straight… you mean they have a problem with those of us that work at home, but THEY don’t want to work at all? WTF???

The rats were funny this morning, stealing and hiding scissors on me when I went to pee. I had placed them down after cutting up some cardboard with it while they were out playing.

Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Yesterday Kim asked where did I go? Wonder how many days she’ll keep asking things.

It’s nice having temps in the 80s, but I wonder if after having two dry winters in a row if this is the way it’s going to always be. Hell, we had more rain during some of the monsoon seasons down in Arizona than we’ve had here during the last two winters.

It’s even nicer to know my money is on the way, even though Andy thinks I said it’d arrive last week. Last week Walter said it’d be sent by Monday. Well, yesterday was Monday. The number of things people are forgetting (not just him) or that I either was sure that they knew or had read in my journal after they would mention reading it, is getting to be kind of annoying. It’s frustrating when someone says, “I read today’s journal entry. By the way, did you work out today?” Meanwhile, I specifically said I did in the entry. So if they read it, then why would they need to ask that? We can’t remember every little thing. Even I’ve become a bit forgetful between growing older and having much more to keep track of than I did years ago, but still. Why are so many people asking about things I know damn well I told them or that they should know? I’m sure half the people who read this will ask me in a few days if the money is on its way yet.

Tom’s going to call the realtor today from work and see if I can see the place this week if it doesn’t sell before then. I probably won’t have my money till Thursday, so we can’t make any offers till then anyway. Also, we wonder if the net and cell phone service may be just as bad there as it is here. That’s something we’ll need to check out.

I have a backache today and am super hungry today as well. Once or twice a month I have days where nothing fills me up. I’ve only been up a few hours and have already had a small meal, a protein bar, a small smoothie and a snack, but I’m still hungry. So now I’m making chicken and garlic spring rolls. If this doesn’t stop the hunger, then I’ll have a big bowl of clam chowder.

Tammy said they couldn’t draw fluid from her lungs because it could puncture them, but I was thrilled to learn the transplant is “down the road.” This gives me hope that the dream I had of her dying really only meant there was trouble ahead for her. The transplant wouldn’t be “down the road” if she were critical, so maybe she won’t even need it at all if they just figure out the proper medication for her. She actually sounded quite good this last time around. Not great, but much better. I’m just glad that as rough as it may be for her for a while she’ll be ok in the end. I was really worried about her before. I don’t know that she’ll ever be able to work again, though.

I just hope she and Paula know and understand that I’m not going to have the time (or the desire) to sit and gab by phone for an hour or two most days. That’s not only not my thing, but I’m going to be returning to writing full-time, and also trying my hand at sweeping once again to see if I can win like I used to. I doubt it, though, with all the competition out there these days. I will also be out and about doing things I was unable to do here.

Although I’ve seen them before, I stumbled upon some photos from the holocaust when I was bored yesterday and went aimlessly clicking away. Once again I was not only thoroughly convinced that God is NOT good, but wondered how the hell so many people could think He is. Good Gods don’t let so many innocent people be slaughtered like cows.

One scene in particular that will haunt me forever is that of a child dying in the streets of Warsaw. As he lay there starving, people walked around him as if he didn’t even exist. Could not only God be so cold, heartless and without a conscience, but could so many fellow human beings be as well? Were there and are there still people in the world that could starve, torture and kill millions of people? No group has had it as bad as the Jews. The gays may never have a full bag of rights, but at least 6 million of them weren’t gathered up, while God sat back and allowed it to happen, and then killed like animals. Funny, though, how so many people are quick to deny the holocaust, but no one ever denied slavery.

Some people believe that there was once a God, but that shortly after He created the world He abandoned it for some reason. Could very well be too, when you consider the atrocities and injustices of the world, not to mention the fact that prayer has never worked for me (and many others), and when it seemed to it was probably just a coincidence.

I still think what I’ve thought for most of my life; that there’s either no God or a bad God. I’m just not sure which one it is. Guess we may never for sure. There’s no scientific proof that God exists or doesn’t exist. I guess we all have to do what we have to do when times get rough. For some, it’s telling themselves that a good God exists that loves everybody equally and that grants people their wishes. For others, it’s a nice long hot soak in a scented bubble bath. For me it’s Tom, good friends and family, my pets, writing and listening to music.

Monday, April 22, 2013
This week could be a real turning point for us. Gott, ich hoffe! This week I should get my money and see the house we’ve had our sights set on as long as it hasn’t sold. Once we’re able to make an offer on this house or another house, it begins the real test of just how hard it will be to get into one of these places. There are dumpy parks that will take anyone, but we’d really not have to settle and go from one dump to another. I’d still rather have our own dump than someone else’s dump, but I’m really quite sick of dumps altogether! Like it or not something up there has clearly been against us owning for quite some time now, and this will tell us just how much it may still be against us depending on how many more delays and obstacles we come up against. We may not actually know the full story till next week because the park, realtor and loan people aren’t going to give us an answer the instant we make an offer or fill out loan and park apps.

Even though it didn’t look like this place in last night’s dream (it never does), I was cleaning the stainless steel sink in what I knew was this place in preparation to move. Not that I intend to clean shit since that’s what deposits are for, but these types of “preparation” dreams are picking up and that could be a good sign, even if I can’t see where we’re going.

I’ll be sure not to mention the rest of this post in public, but I give up on Christiane. I messaged her yesterday curious to see if she could still see my updates after all the changes going on on FB. The message was seen within seconds but ignored. A few hours later I messaged her again asking if she felt like chatting. Moments later it was seen but not replied to. So… I give up on her. Nothing against her or anything like that as I realize you can’t make people be friendly, but it’s so, so typical hottie. If she were ugly or crazy or both she’d never leave me alone.

It has gotten me to see just how close Nane and I are, and I told her this, too. In the end, she’s the one that ended up really caring. More than Maliheh and more than a lot of people.

Had a dream Aly and I met and she seemed more like 2-3 inches taller than me instead of just one. I wondered if she grew or I shrunk, LOL.

Now I’m back to thinking that no, Molly isn’t smarter than I thought, and yes, she really is the dumb shit I always thought she was, and yes, she really was asked the same questions by Kim. They had stopped just like magic once Molly’s group home kicked her offline, so I thought she had pretended to be Kim and asked us both the same questions to look less obvious.

But now the questions are back, some well written and asking how my weekend went, others poorly written and asking, “is you bored with this site?”

Kim’s different personalities?

Either way, I haven’t answered any of them. It’s interesting to see what comes in, though, and how long it’ll take her before she gives up hope of any answers. I think she’d know it, though, if I did answer because I think she has an account of her own and is just making sure to keep the ‘ask anonymously’ box checked when asking me “questions.” So she would not only be notified if I answer but is probably following me and watching to see if the number of answered questions goes up.

Not everyone will believe this, but I’m going to write about it anyway. My ticket “rigging” ability may be back! Yesterday was an exciting day for that. Back when we lived in Maricopa I was influencing and willing scratch tickets to win like crazy. I knew which ones would win before we even scratched them off. About every 3 out of 4 tickets we’d get would win. Most were small wins, with a few $50 and $100 winners mixed in, but even the small ones added up. I was easily winning us $100 or more a month. But then one day it all stopped for seemingly no reason at all. I couldn’t make them win in Oregon, I couldn’t make them win in Cali… until yesterday.

He went to buy 2 tickets, but the machine said he still had credit, so he got 2 more. When he brought them home and laid them out on the counter, I felt that familiar surge within me. That strange sense of knowing. I placed my palms on them and instantly knew the crossword one was a winner. It was. I touched the remaining 3 and said, “This one’s a winner.” It was. I touched the last two. “Losers,” I declared, not sensing any excitement or “energy” from those tickets. Sure enough, they were losers.

Neither of us thought this was a coincidence. If I’d guessed 1 of the tickets correctly instead of all 4, then yes, but it was just like old times and I’m pretty excited about it, too! I don’t know how or why, but when and if I can know which ones are winners, I can usually influence more winners overall.

Things aren’t going well for Tammy, though I think that in the end, she will be ok. They can’t do the biopsy because it could kill her so next month they’re going to talk about the transplant and when and where they might do it. Meanwhile, she’s still on oxygen and all kinds of medications, including steroids, which makes typing hard for her because her hands shake.

I think that sooner or later they’ll stumble upon the right medication that her body will respond positively to. But since she’s not on the top of the transplant list and they’re not fighting to keep her alive right now, I don’t think she’s as doomed as I once feared she may be. Life may not be easy for her, but I believe she’ll get through this.

Becky has eye surgery next month and will be on temporary disability. Besides being nervous she’s going to be bored silly for a while because she won’t be able to read or watch TV. Hopefully, this surgery will help her down the road, though.

Paula left a message saying she’s sending a letter with her new address. She’s never going to get with the times and get a computer. Never. :(

Sunday, April 21, 2013
Someone asked if I like sweet or salty snacks. I suppose that could be from anyone.

The people on MyOpera sure are pretty rude at times, but rather than waste time lecturing these collectors about sending friend requests that I specifically said I won’t accept, I’ll just start ignoring them. No matter how much you try to tell these dumb shits you don’t like being “collected” and don’t have time (or the desire) for new friends, they’re just too stupid to get it. Even the ones who seem to speak English.

Andy’s been having lots of luck lately as far as getting together with guys. It’s just for sex, though, as is usually the case with most people. I was thinking back to the dozen or so men and women I was with (mostly for just one night) before meeting Tom, and I regret nearly every one of them. I just didn’t know how to say “no” to those my heart just wasn’t into and that I just wasn’t attracted to. Although numbers didn’t matter to me nearly as much as quality, that’s what basically kept me from playing around more than I did. I tried and tried to get into the idea of sex with those that were either ugly or just there and that I felt absolutely zero spark for, but I just couldn’t do it. No matter how nice they were or how many times I tried to close my eyes and imagine a gorgeous woman or something, it just wasn’t the same. But I was just so, so damn picky that getting someone I found to be attractive wasn’t easy. Especially since I was a turn-off in the lesbian world with my femininity and not turned on by many of them. It seemed the only ones into me were guys and butches. But I finally put my foot down with my new rule and said, “If I’m not attracted to you, the answer’s no. Period.”

I didn’t care how much I came off as not being very nice, and I didn’t care how guilty I may’ve felt for turning an offer down. It was important to me to stop saying “yes” just because it was there hitting on me and probably all I could get at the moment.

So, often feeling as if I were a 250-pound ugly bitch with acne and horns sticking up on my head or something grotesque like that, I got “no’s” from what I considered hot and returned them to those propositioning me that I didn’t consider hot at all. Year after year we exchanged our “no’s” with just a few small exceptions in between until I met Tom.

Then sure enough, as is the case with most people once they are committed to someone, they suddenly came crawling out of the woodwork. Both men and women I found attractive were attracted to me as well. Not very often, though. I still find a lot of one-sidedness where I’ll be hot for someone that isn’t hot for me or vice versa, but it’s true that when you’re not looking and you least expect it, the more opportunities there are, not that I think I could ever get brave enough to act on any of them without feeling guilty, and not that there have been as many since being out here in these woods. If Andy can get so much fun by looking, imagine what would come his way if he stopped looking altogether!

Saturday, April 20, 2013
Forgot to say in my last entry that if we can’t get this house or decide not to take it, the realtor should be able to find us what we want in no time. They know what’s to be listed before it even appears online, many of which are gone before most people get a chance to see them. So if we continue not to have any luck on our own for another week or two, then she should help speed things up. Tom doesn’t see why we can’t make it out of here before his birthday and that’s only a worst-case scenario estimate. We should still be out in May. Wish I knew the exact date so I could start a countdown!

Another thing we were surprised to learn is that all parks in Auburn are 55 and up. There are no all-ages parks here whatsoever.

Got my nail goodies in the mail and am not overly impressed. The Angel Kiss polish is nice, but the Cloud Nine is too light. Well, I’m light myself so it doesn’t stand out well. Nothing a glitter or crackle overly couldn’t cure, though.

The rhinestones are kind of a waste as well cuz they’re a bitch to apply and some of them fall off. I know I lost at least two of them changing sheets, even though I followed directions and sealed it with a clear topcoat.

I also got the clear plastic rocks to add to the big bamboo’s fuchsia-colored rocks which weren’t enough. I think this plant is dying, though, and it is rather old. I’ll have to pick up some new ones after the move. Love not having to deal with soil or anything messy like that. A large houseplant would be nice that is my height or taller, but the rats would only see it as a little sandbox to play in. I guess I could throw some metal mesh over it, but we’ll see.

I went to read Mary’s latest entry, saw the blog was gone and said, “Damn! I am so sick of getting into someone’s blog just to see them quit. I’m never reading anyone else’s blog again!”

It turns out that she got mad. Trouble with some drunk and judgmental “friends,” I guess. As I told her, she’s too damn sensitive. No one’s ever going to like or agree with every single thing we write any more than everyone’s going to like every food, color and type of music we like. As long as there are no full names, threats, sensitive info or plagiarism, don’t let others stop you from expressing yourself, I told her. She’s too nice and she worries too much about others. She needs to learn to be a little bit of a selfish bitch. Not sure why people can’t just stop reading our journals if they don’t like them, but that’s just how people are; they want you to write what they want to read or not write at all.

Also, I don’t know if she gravitates to them or if they gravitate to her, but I still think she has a lot of negative people in her life and needs to learn to be more independent once she finds work. All she’s ever known is abuse, and of course she’s never had much freedom or been allowed to even think for herself most of the time. Once she cuts the drunks and losers out of her life and starts associating with more positive, mature, stable people, I think she’ll be a lot better off. And also, once she can support herself with no one else’s help unless they want to give her whatever in addition to her being able to take care of herself.

Just when I think I’m not going to get any more leg muscles from running, I get these “ankle rings.” They’re mostly in front where the shin meets the foot. Makes shaving a bit trickier, but it’s still nice. I realize that if I were forced to fight to defend myself these days, I very well may kill the person even if I didn’t want to.

So the bombers weren’t Arab or American, but actually Russian instead. One’s dead, one’s wounded, and I still say the same thing to the foreigners of this world – stay the fuck out of the US unless you’re Nane! Well, maybe a few others are ok, too.

Later…

I hate live concerts but am happy for Andy because Stevie Nicks gave him two complimentary tickets to her concert which are normally $425 each. Yes, you read right. He really is friends with Miss Stevie Nicks of Fleetwood Mac. Not close buddies who kept in touch regularly, but he was actually friends with her mother Barbara first until she died. We have both known celebrities and kind of grew up with them, so it’s nothing new, big or exciting for us. Still, we don’t like to make this known to just anyone, so I’m going to limit the audience for this post.

I’m also limiting it because of Kim. Yeah, she’s still stalking me. I’m not 100% sure, but I’m close enough just by the nature of the questions she asked on Ask. The first one was: why do you have to track who sees your blogs?

It was written just as you see it here. The second question, also written as you see it, was: ‪Been reading some of your older blogs. How’s your sister doing? She going to be ok?‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬

They were left two hours apart. The second one might’ve been Molly’s mother, but Mrs. M has always shown up on my tracker, so why would she stop now? I think they were both asked by Kim, especially the first one. My tracking would definitely annoy her, especially since I stopped updating the trackless blog every single day. Until I update it again at the end of the month, her “sources” will have to copy MO for her if she doesn’t know how to turn cookies off.

As for the question about my sister, it’s typical for her and Molly both (though Molly is still wonderfully forbidden from going online) to ask questions as if we were old buddies. It’s like those two are stuck in some kind of twisted time warp. It’s been 10 months since I dumped Kim, but I know that just like with Molly, she’ll never stop following me until I’m either out of reach or she is dead. No one’s ever going to throw this one in a group home for whackos and take its online privileges away. Oh, how I’d love to beat the living shit right out of that fat, filthy piece of crazies shit. They really need to start passing laws on keeping the crazy offline. This sack of shit does NOT understand that we’re not friends and we never will be again.

Another reason I think it’s her is that I asked who asked why I stopped updating MD and they never identified themselves. Also, unless it’s some generic question, I’ve found that anything “friendly” or more personal tends to be from those who don’t want you to know who they are. Anyone who could ask about my sister without saying, “Hey, this is so and so” while they were at it, is almost certainly someone I don’t like that knows I don’t like them.

Can’t say I don’t giggle a bit at the idea of fucking with her by giving false clues to my whereabouts in my blog once we move, knowing the lunatic will be running to look up whatever bogus streets I may name, all frustrated as hell when she doesn’t find any such street anywhere in the wrong town I also gave as well.

Anyway, I haven’t answered the questions yet. I’ll wait till questions from known users come in and let her sit and wonder where the hell I am for now.

What I don’t get is why she’s STILL reading my blog. Who in their right minds reads the blog of someone who dumped them nearly a year ago? I have made it a point not to mention her or anyone we know, so that and the questions on Ask leads me to my time warp theory. If MPDers can have different people, why not different times, too?

Friday, April 19, 2013
In general, I don’t follow the news because it’s too depressing. The only current cases of interest for me lately are the Boston Marathon Bomber and the Jodi Arias case. I still can’t believe the media is allowed to bash and say negative things about those on trial – even if they’re true – before a verdict is reached. Given the very, very off chance Jodi is innocent, she’ll never get a fair trial. How could she possibly get one single person on her jury who hasn’t heard a whole boatload of opinions, theories and beliefs? They’ve got to be influenced by at least some of what they hear, even if they may not realize it. If I’m about to meet someone you know and you tell me they’re ugly, I’m going to make my own decision as to whether or not I really think they’re ugly, but that’s going to be one of the first things I think of, subconsciously or not, when I meet them.

I’ll add my two cents to everyone else’s and say that I believe Jodi is guilty based on what I’ve heard. However, this does not diminish my disgust for the media in general. It is sad that they can go and print whatever the hell they want without a care as to whom it may affect. They never once checked out any of the bullshit claims made against me. They simply took my perp’s word for whatever they felt like telling them because they were black and in a state that favors blacks, Mexicans and any minority that isn’t gay. The welfare bums dictated, the media printed. No questions asked. No verifying anything. No proof. No nothing.

Another thing that surprises me is that there’s already a movie in the works. But a verdict and sentence haven’t been given yet! How can they do a movie without knowing the full story? Yes, it seems like an obvious slam-dunk case, but if anyone knows not to assume the system will do what’s right, it’s me. I hope she is convicted and killed, but I don’t believe much until and if I see it.

It’s sad that the bomber seems more and more like a homegrown thing. But it is since the Arabs love to take credit for their “work” and to strap bombs to themselves and kill themselves while they’re killing any innocent person unfortunate enough to be around them at the time. There are other things that point to it being Americans, too. It sucks because first the Arabs want to bomb us and now so do we? WTF?

I’m not sure if what I thought woke me up were real sounds or if I was just dreaming, but waking up as often as I do gets old. I hope I sleep better next time around.

Nane’s been both sick and busy, but reading some of my notes and hopeful that the big day is near.

The troll’s fellow trolls have stopped pestering Aly and Marbridge never returned her message.

Later…

Tom saw the house and says it’s fantastic. The way he described it did seem almost too ideal for us. Enough to suspect that something up there may try to stop us. It wasn’t 100% perfect, though. One of the biggest negatives is that instead of people getting mail delivered to their door, there’s a cluster of community mailboxes much like at an apartment where the people pick up their mail. Well, it’s right across the street from the house, so that would mean a lot of people stopping there, and of course it would also mean a lot of people suddenly having loud vehicles if we lived there.

The best thing about it was the space around it and how you can’t see the neighbors very well. The “shed” is really an old trailer but it’s bigger than the shed we’ve got here.

Everything indoors looks good, though the dishwasher is old. It does have a washer/dryer. We’re still not sure about the cable, though. It’s going to hinge on that, the park accepting us, and us being able to get a loan, assuming I like it too, when I go to see it next week. Unless it’s sold by then, of course. The realtor said you just never know and that quite often, what happens isn’t what you think will happen. She expected to sell this one in a week, but it’s been months.

Nothing urgent needs to be done if we got the place. We could move right in. We wouldn’t have to replace the roof first like we would with the last one we saw or anything like that. We could replace the single-paned windows at our leisure, the dishwasher, and anything else we wanted.

Even the paneling may not be worth texturizing and painting over because it’s whitewash and I actually like whitewash. I don’t care for maple, oak or cherry wood. This paneling here is maple. Too dark.

Tom said the layout was very efficient with no wasted space except for maybe in the entryway. The carpet was loose but not worn. It turns out that the realtor’s friend’s cousin last owned the place. She’s now in a nursing home. Anyway, they had a large throw rug over it and never used that part of the house, so that’s why it’s not worn. The house has a den and a living room, and I guess they only used the den.

I just really hope to hell Walter keeps his word about sending the money by Monday. I appreciate the fact that he’s ahead of his schedule, but he’s behind on ours. We’ve been wanting out for close to a year now, though part of that is due to us changing plans twice. First we were just going to save a few grand for a bigger rental. Then we were going to save for a dumpy mobile home. Then we said “no” to going from one dump to another.

But we can’t make an offer till we get the funds and see the place, so… no sense in saying any more about it right now. Just that Tom thinks it’s totally worth the money and I’m looking forward to seeing it too, despite it being a bit expensive for its size.

Thursday, April 18, 2013
I am so tired today (or tonight, I should say) due to PMS and sleeping shitty yesterday. There’s nothing like being a light sleeper in a flimsy trailer AND in a helicopter and small plane path. I guess I should go back to using the stereo’s white noise when I’m sleeping during the daytime while we’re still here cuz I hear everything in here. Almost everything overrides the sound machine. It’s almost like I might as well just sleep outside.

Although I am excited and hopefully mentally, my ADD is scattering my concentration everywhere and I’m retaining enough water to make up for the drought California has had for the last two years. I even had to remove my bra. It’s like my boobies were screaming, “Hey, this is too tight! Let us out of here!” Fine, you damn things that were once flat and shoulda stayed flat. Out you go.

Tom has an appointment to see the house tomorrow after work. Wish I could be with him, but he’s stopping by after work. We both know what’s important to each other, so if he likes what he sees, I’ll check it out myself soon enough and we’ll see if I agree, though I don’t see why I wouldn’t. It’s just the park and loan people I’m still a bit worried about.

And any “punishments.” I’m not nearly as worried about that as I was before we left Phoenix. Before leaving Phoenix I kept getting these God-awful feelings that something was against us leaving the freeloaders and the whole damn circus in Phoenix we had to live with for 6 years and that it would make us “pay” once we got to Maricopa. I couldn’t have been more correct on that one if I tried! I just had no idea it’d be so damn extreme till we eventually lost the place.

Nothing exciting for dreams unless you count my parents and brother coming back to life after some new invention came about that “wakes” people up. They “worked” on my brother first, then my parents. Interesting seeing that while my brother was tossed underground, Mom and Dad were sent to the toaster. That’d be a helluva discovery if they could resurrect a man from only some ashes, some of which I have, and a woman from ashes that probably ended up in the local sewage treatment center.

Still bouncing about the same 5-pound weight range, but since I can’t seem to lose weight unless I’m sicker than a dog, I’m going to just stay fat. Going hungry for a month to lose a few pounds that come right back isn’t worth it. I do hope not to gain anymore, though.

Never thought good grades would be frustrating, but I’m beginning to wonder if the Instant Immersion software I got was a waste. I’m getting near-perfect to perfect grades! Time to get more challenging material like on yabla.com. This is an excellent site if you’re approaching advanced levels or are already there.

My grammar still sucks, though, cuz German has unbelievably complex grammar rules. There are 12 possible ways to pluralize words. :( Guess I could tackle that next since I’ve learned quite a bit of vocabulary.

My response time is still a bit slow, too. It hits home right away when I read or listen (unless I’m not familiar with the words), but if you asked me what the weather’s like in the state I was born in, I might need to stop and think before I could antwort. :(

Wednesday, April 17, 2013
Tom stopped by the Newcastle park on the way home from work. He said some of it was old, some of it was nice, and he couldn’t find his way to the house that was for sale. Still, he saw enough to know it was worth contacting the realtor. He emailed her tonight.

He drove through it at about 15 MPH, windows down, at 5:00 in the afternoon yet never heard a single bark. If they were allowed to store dogs outdoors there, they certainly would’ve been going ballistic at that hour. The park itself is kind of old and not nearly as fancy as the CH park, but very rural-like. There are lakes and streams running through it and it appears to be surrounded by farmland. It is also on a series of steep hills, so if we got into this place, the roof of the house in back of us would be level with our floor.

It wasn’t the one we thought it was at the end of a dead-end, but our guess is that only about 10 neighbors would drive by it. So… if your average person comes and goes about 3 times a day and has company 3-5 times a week, that means about 56 trips in and out per household per week. That’s almost more than the lazy freeloaders had in a day or two.

The more I look at the house pics, the more I like it. There are no vents above the bedroom doors to let light in when I’m sleeping during the daytime. It has both central heat/AC. The kitchen sink is porcelain and not stainless steel which I’d prefer since I can’t seem to keep stainless steel looking shiny and new no matter what I clean it with. The countertops are gorgeous. The bathroom sinks aren’t raised, making them easier to clean, but we would have to install sliders on the tubs and replace what appears to be old single-paned windows. I don’t care for the paneling, but the paneling is very light so it’s not that bad, and if I had to go with neutral carpet, light tan is what I’d go with because things wouldn’t clash with it as much as browns and blues would. Things like couches or drapes with printed patterns, or walls we may decide to paper or paint.

The place comes with a dishwasher, garbage disposal, range, fridge, shingled roof and window treatments. Not sure if a washer/dryer is included or not.

Love how there are carports running along both sides of the place. I can envision hanging lots of wind chimes along them. I’m looking forward to the little things like decorations, besides the big things.

Tom found more info on the park and they do have pet restrictions. Now it’s going to come down to what kind of internet service we could get, assuming the house doesn’t sell by then or that we get rejected. The place is really starting to look ideal. So much so that I fear God will stop us and see to it that we’re denied a loan and maybe even getting into the park. It is a bit pricey for a 1977 model that’s barely over 1100 square feet, so we’re sort of bordering on being turned down. On the bright side, God can’t stop us forever. All He can do is delay us. But sooner or later our numbers are going to be right on and in our favor.

Later…

When I see how much Tom did for his mother upon reading back in old journals and how much time and money we lost on account of the selfish bitch, then think of how she coldly dumped us in Oregon for daring to ask for help, I get so mad. I just get so damn mad. I am utterly appalled by the way she so casually dropped us, mostly because we were no longer useful tools to be used to gain in her favor once we were 1100 miles away. Tom acts like it’s nothing, but it’s gotta hurt somewhat. He did so, so much for that woman. I hope her final moments are hell. I seethe with rage when I think about the whole situation. Even her other kids, who could easily contact us if they really wanted to, cease to give a shit. I don’t know why either. Mary’s been a problem, but David and Steven were never a problem, and of course poor Ray is dead. Anyway, fuck them and anyone else that doesn’t give a shit about us. There are enough people out there that DO care and they’re the ones worth focusing on. Tom and others weren’t kidding when they said that the family may not be abusive or close-knit, but it could be as selfish and as uncaring as any stranger on the street could be.

The more I think about his family (and a few others) the angrier I get. Life is going too well right now and we have too many happy things to look forward to rather than focus on them or any other negative people we thought gave a damn about us, but I will say this much first and that’s that she’s the prime reason I hate to ask for help. Yes, it’s wonderful to know people care about us enough to want to help us if we needed it, and yes, if you would house and feed us if we were homeless till we got on our feet, you’re a definite true friend, but I’d still rather not ask unless it came down to do or die. Ok, enough of Marge and poverty. We ain’t going back there no matter how much God may hate us.

Later…

Although common for dream premonitioners to have dry spells, I’m hoping the lack of “serious” moving dreams means the dream prems have stopped. How nice it would be to have a nightmare, wake up and write it off as just that, rather than know it was a sign of trouble ahead!

I like to document as many dreams as I can remember, no matter how silly, trivial and meaningless they may seem. Like “Nervous” coming back to life and asking if I wanted to join him at the IHOP.

The weirdest dream was the one where Tom and I were on the road late at night. The digital clock on the dash read 2:38. We were heading out to eat at a 24-hour diner. I noticed the sky brightening and said, “Am I imagining it or is it really getting light out when it’s not even 3 in the morning?”

He said, “No, it’s getting lighter.”

I was surprised at just how fast the sun came up, too.

In the last dream, I remember, I was at some large indoor pool, sort of like what the JCC had that I’d go to as a kid. There were maybe about 30 people at and around the pool, including my mother who sat by the deep end in a beach chair. She eyed me critically and judgmentally, much as she loved to do when she was alive, though I hadn’t seen her since 1997. I climbed onto the diving board and did the perfect swan dive. Everybody applauded but Mom. I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that she wouldn’t have in real life either, for instead of being proud of me, she’d have been seething with jealousy instead.

I have often referred to my late mother as “the poodle” because of her fondness for that particular breed of dog. Her poodles meant EVERYTHING to her. Much more than her children and husband. She would have tossed her prized possessions into a pit of fire for those mutts. Probably even paraded around town naked barking like one of them if that’s what she had to do to save them.

On top of her placing her dogs above friends and family, she rarely praised or complimented her kids. Why? Because she wasn’t as smart as they got to be and this made her jealous. Yeah, I’m ashamed to have to say so, but the poodle was not only selfish, mean, negative and abusive, but she wasn’t very bright either and was often envious, if not downright jealous, of other people’s accomplishments. Instead of trying to achieve a certain ability for herself that she may’ve envied about someone else, she found it easier not to discuss it and to steer the conversation away from anything that might’ve made her jealous.

I may not be the smartest person on earth and I may have many shortcomings, but I had/have abilities she never had and I know it really bothered her and only served to make her feel even dumber. Instead of being proud, she was jealous.

I went from a shitty singer to a fairly decent one. What did she have to say about that? Nothing. Nothing at all.

I learned 5 languages and came to be able to read some of a few others. What did she think about that? Not a thing.

I won several writing contests. What did she say about it? Not a word.

I could skate, dance and play a little guitar and piano, yet she didn’t care.

I suppose I’d be a touch embarrassed too, if I had a daughter that could do a number of things that I couldn’t do myself, but I’d still feel much more proud than jealous.

She did sort of mutter a pleasantly surprised “oh,” when I told them both I published a book for Kindle users, but she never asked for any details, and as far as I know, only my dad read it.

When I last saw my parents in Arizona, I sat between them on the couch and showed them my sketchbook. Through other artist’s tips and books, I got to be ok at it. Like my singing, it was mediocre at best, but if I hadn’t gotten bored with it, I probably could’ve developed it a lot more. Still, I could draw and it was a fun hobby for a while back when I would keep in touch with people regularly via postal mail and would decorate their envelopes. Getting back to the point, my dad made various comments as I flipped through the drawings. My mother, on the other hand, never uttered a word. I could smell the jealousy like one can smell the smoke of a burning building. It was almost tangible.

Jealousy is something I could never understand. No one can have it all. No one can do it all. But if you’re envious or jealous of someone for something they can do, why not try to see if you can do it for yourself instead of wasting time with feelings of jealousy? Yes, my brain is wired for language learning. I don’t know how or why, but it is. Meanwhile, although my brain can’t process numbers very easily this doesn’t mean I can’t study and learn if I ever was interested in things involving numbers. I may not get very good at it, but I could still try.

Her other daughter is a genius with numbers and probably could’ve saved them from falling into debt in the end. But the poodle was too blind to recognize her daughter’s money skills to care and to be able to ask for help.

Now I’m going to go do some working out and if she’s looking down on me, she can then be jealous that she didn’t have a body like mine at 47, even though I could stand to lose 20 lbs.

Tuesday, April 16, 2013
Someone asked why I stopped updating my my-diary account on my original Ask account. Kim? Molly’s mother? Well, no one in Texas has been on my tracker, but Maricopa County was. It made me nervous at first, but if it were someone up to no good, they would’ve remained invisible and they would’ve gone beyond my ‘about’ page, I would think, so I’m not worried. A glance at the satellite, although not always accurate, showed it coming from a health center.

A part of me worries about something bad happening a few months or so after we move like it did when we first moved into the Maricopa house, but I know it’s an irrational worry to have. I’ve done nothing wrong. But still, unless I’m just paranoid, I feel like the pigs are always, always watching, every single day without fail. They’ve already proven that they have no problem with putting lots of time and energy into the wrong people; people who merely have things to say that they don’t agree with, instead of those who are truly dangerous. It’s just that once we own a place, they know we have more to lose than we stand to by renting someone else’s place.

Being legally kidnapped and whisked away to another town was one thing, but being yanked out of my home and taken to another state all in the name of power, hate and control is another. I honestly don’t see how this could happen, but I never thought I’d have been tossed in jail for words on paper and labeled a stalker for it either.

Even if God doesn’t punish me through the law, I still worry He is against us moving and will punish us in other ways. Maybe not as extreme as before, though, since we’re not moving to a fancy house or anything like that. It’s just going to be a simple, basic little house and it’s not going to be all by itself in the middle of 10 acres, either. But I do worry about the breakage curse and things like that. Having to be put out by Jesse coming down to fix his own cooler at his own expense is one thing, but having to pay thousands of dollars for a broken AC/heat pump of our own is another.

Either way, if anyone tries to get legal revenge on me by either violating my rights or fabricating “evidence,” they will suffer the consequences. If shit breaks, we’ll deal with that, too. Can’t let it stop us from living and doing what we gotta do.

Later…

Tom was going to decide if he wanted to check out another park or pick up the mail on the way home. Instead, he got hung up in traffic. Oh, but nothing up there is trying to stop or delay the move, right? Either way, we can’t make an offer till we actually have the money in the bank because they will want to verify funds.

I worry about Tom. He has been so run down and exhausted and his heel still hurts at times. The new shoes he got help him a lot, but as I told him, I worry about him collapsing and ending up in the hospital. He went to bed earlier tonight, assuring me he’s tougher than that, and that once we get moved he won’t work as much OT. The OT is strictly extra and nothing he absolutely has to do. It’s just hard for him to pass up the money, especially since he makes so much.

Andy’s had some interesting theories about some of my dreams, saying the pregnancy dreams could symbolize that moving is a pain in the ass like giving birth. I hope it’s that and not that we’re going to be held back. I totally believe that whether you want them or not, having babies = no life, and that’s one of the many reasons I changed my mind about that in the end.

I remember 3 dreams last night, each lasting for just a few seconds. In one dream I was packing and getting ready to leave someplace (where?) and was very happy. A middle-aged to older woman was with me and she seemed very fond of me and just as happy for me. She told me if I get pregnant just blah, blah, blah – I don’t remember what came after that – but there’s the pregnancy thing again. Really would’ve preferred to see Tom and I leaving this place instead.

Tom, Andy and I were all sharing a house somewhere in the second dream. In the dream, I started smoking one cigarette a day (I’d love to see someone with that kind of self-control) after dinner. Alone in the house, I smoked it in the bathroom, then went into the bedroom and laid down on the bed. A few seconds later I heard a door close somewhere in the house. I got up to see if Tom or Andy had come home to find that Andy’s bedroom door was now closed. I hoped he couldn’t smell the smoke because I knew it would bother him.

The last dream is barely a whisper within my memory I’m not sure I really had it, but it seems I was in trouble for something, though I don’t know what. Probably something I said or wrote since people seem to care more about words than actions, as opposed to anything I actually did. I’ve never gotten in trouble for anything I’ve actually done. Not the candy and cigarettes I stole as a teen, not the long-distance calls I had billed to others, and not even the few people I actually did threaten for real. All I just have to do is say what people don’t want to hear to piss people off. Anyway, I don’t know if it was that or if my rights were being violated or if I was being set up like in the past. I just remember something very vague about my supposed lawyer insisting I not be punished due to all the deaths I’ve been surrounded by since February of 2012, and now having a sister who’s ill.

Later…

I’m surprised they haven’t caught the Boston Marathon bomber yet, though the police would know, by the type of explosives they used, if it was homegrown or foreign terrorists. As Tom said, we hope it’s the usual suspects or else then we’d have more problems to deal with and the country would be even less safe. It was tax day yesterday, so who knows? Maybe it was someone with a grudge against the government. While it’s not ok to take it out on innocent people, I understand their anger, if that’s what it was all about. The government spends money on useless shit, gives our money away to other countries, but won’t do shit for its own. We almost lost our lives because of them before he got his job.

A friend pointed out that you can’t look at someone and know if they’re a terrorist, which is true, and while we may never be 100% safe from anything, if we closed our doors to the countries known to terrorize us, wouldn’t we at least be a little safer?

I feel bad for my niece Becky. The doctor didn’t fully remove the cataract in one of her eyes, leaving it open to attack, and then of course Tammy got screwed over with the biopsy they never sent. The amount of incompetent doctors is a little scary. This is part of why I don’t usually see them unless I need to.

The fact that I have a sleep disorder that prevents me from working yet am unable to “qualify” for disability benefits really pisses the shit out of me. Benefits should be given based on whether you’re disabled and not how many years you worked in the past. But the newly minted family fresh out of Mexico gets handed a welfare check and a slice of American pie right away without any effort. WTF? I’m from here yet my government won’t take care of me. In this case, it’s not about the money since my husband makes enough to support us; it’s about doing what’s right. It’s only fair to give disability payments to those who are disabled.

I also feel bad for Becky, and her sister Sarah, for other reasons. It seems like all they have is each other. They have hundreds of “friends” on FB, but all the outings they go on seem to be with each other only, and I never hear anything about boyfriends and dating. I think I can guess why, too.

It stunned me to learn (and I don’t see why Mary would make this up) how many people are sending her money while she’s on unemployment. Wish someone had sent US money and cared about US as much when we were broke. The clothes mom sent were nice, but they weren’t really needed. Except for the $150 Eileen was kind enough to take upon herself to send, no one gave us shit, and we didn’t know till after the storm that Tammy would’ve helped us. We didn’t really start talking and become closer till after our parents died. I think most people were either just too broke themselves or they just didn’t give a shit. There will always be people in the world showered with money just for breathing while people like Tom have to not only just work for what they get but suffer for it, too. Hell, even the things I won had to be “paid” for. The time it took to keep entering, the constant reminders for them to send the prizes (they hope you’ll just “forget” them), the taxes, etc.

Paula left a message saying she moved to Connecticut and to call for her new address. Couldn’t she have just left the damn thing in her message?

Facebook really annoys me with its constant changes. No site has ever come close to the number of changes and problems FB has. They decided our timelines needed a facelift, so just when I get used to their last round of changes, I have to re-learn where things are and all that shit. I hate how the first thing I see on my timeline is people I may know, based on who our friends are friends with. I really don’t give a shit who my friends are friends with, and if I want to look for someone I can do so on my own, thank you.

Monday, April 15, 2013
Great day for us but a sad day for Boston where there were explosions during the marathon. Let me guess…savage beasts called Muslims that think the answer to everything is violence, right? Or could it be another Timothy McVeigh who’s pissed at the government? Statistically speaking, Muslims are most likely, especially since there was more than one bomb. However, the only thing that doesn’t go with it being the muzzies is the lack of suicide on their part which they love to commit after they kill, kill and kill some more. They WANT their “work” to be known, and they WANT to take credit for what their imaginary “Allah” told them to do. And no, I don’t care who may be pissed at these words and disagree with me. We all have a right to think, feel and believe as we do, me included. For the longest time, I held back on things, not wanting to hurt or offend anyone. But if you’re “hurt” by reading someone else’s journal, then you shouldn’t be reading it in the first place. Seriously, though, I would never try to get anyone to conform to my beliefs. Just don’t expect me to conform to yours either.

I don’t get why we, and other countries, don’t take care of the Middle East to protect ourselves from this shit that will always happen as long as Muslims exist. If you don’t kill the cockroach it will multiply. Again, my feelings are actually mixed when it comes to Muslims. Muslim women and children are usually innocent victims caught up in their twisted society. Men are the main problem as they are in most societies, just like blacks make up for most of the crimes committed in the US. But don’t take my word for it, go look it up yourself. Ah, but I’m still supposed to love them and give them special treatment, right?

When I was in jail I was shocked to find that most of the inmates were actually white. And then I eventually learned why; because Arizona is one of the states that favor blacks and lets them get away with an awful lot of shit.

Tom said, “Strange how Andy was worried about us yet he was just a few hours away from a much more dangerous place than we’re in.”

It seems to be the major cities they like to pick on.

I said to Tom that I not only don’t understand why we continue to allow them into the US but why we don’t wipe out as much of the Middle East as we can. It would only be a matter of self-defense when you think about it. He said that’d make them more violent. snorts with disgust Aren’t they already violent enough? Besides, not doing anything at all doesn’t exactly send a very good message.

And why do they bother coming here if they hate us so much? I don’t like Africans because they force children to marry, and of course, I won’t get into how they treat gays, so I will never go to Africa. It’s that simple. So then why can’t they just stay the fuck out of this country if they hate Americans???

On the selfish side, I’m glad it’s someone else’s problem (at least for today) and that we’re doing great. They got bombed, we got 8K. It is to be sent by Monday. Time to get ready to follow the yellow brick road home!

Later…

I was shocked to see someone spent an hour and 10 minutes in my blogs yesterday (a regular from OD) and viewed 203 pages! They were like Molly used to be, though, clicking away and spending just a few seconds on most pages. Were they looking for something? I know it wasn’t a BOT because they went around to 3 of my blogs.

Still no trolls on my old Ask account since Molly was put out of commission. Makes me wonder how many “questions” I thought were from Kim that were really from her. I just didn’t think she was smart enough to ask herself the same kinds of questions to make her look less obvious. She really had me fooled!

Andy had a pretty interesting theory on yesterday’s airplane dream. He thinks it was a “moving” dream and that the plane represents the fact that we thought we’d move this month but the move is at a standstill cuz we haven’t found the right home yet. Him talking about sex slaves lately and the fact that Nane flies to TR a lot = the airplane staff servicing the passengers and Nane being one of the staff.

I think he misunderstood me, though. We never expected to move this month; we expected to have the place picked out this month and move into it in May. The paperwork usually takes about a month once it goes into escrow.

It’s so exciting knowing my inheritance will be sent in full by next Monday from Walter, along with papers to sign, but we’re not 100% out of the woods yet. There are still one – maybe two – more hurdles to climb. First we have to hope the parks won’t all reject us, though I still don’t expect to get into our top two favorite parks, and then we might have trouble qualifying for a loan. What worries me are the recurring dreams I’ve been having about being knocked up. At my age I can’t conceive, not that I would want to. But babies tend to tie us down and hold us back in life, and I’m wondering if that’s the message behind all these pregnancy dreams. Could they represent us being delayed even more due to not having perfect credit? Well, we’ll just start at the top with our favorite parks and work our way down until someone takes us. He makes a ton of money. What more could they want? I mean, if our current finances aren’t good enough for whoever, then I don’t know what else we can do other than pay the Oregon scammers their $200 and I do not want to do that if I can help it to get what we want. That’d be so like blackmail.

When I had the “12K” dream I thought it might be the amount of my inheritance. Then I thought it might be the cost of the house. Now I’m wondering if it’s the amount of the down payment we’ll end up making.

I wish I could tell God the same thing I tell people who don’t like me – if you don’t like me, don’t have anything to do with me, but I fear He will still do little things to “punish” and delay us for finally getting what we want. I’m never going to forgive Him for the past no matter how much love, health, happiness and money life throws at me, and He’s never going to be welcomed into our lives or our home. So why bother with those that don’t like Him, like we’d ask Molly when she’d focus on trying to win over those that wanted nothing to do with her? But I guess any master of any universe feels compelled to pick on those it hates as well as to bless those it likes. Well, no one’s been picking on us lately and I really hope they don’t start once we get settled!

Still not sure if I’ll go public with the name of whatever town we end up in, but I guess it couldn’t hurt. Stating that we currently live in Auburn hasn’t hurt me since I don’t provide addresses to go with the town. Besides, any trolls, corrupt cops, and corrupt ex-cops that hunt me down and make trouble for me would only be hurting themselves in the end a lot more than they’d be hurting me.

Sunday, April 14, 2013
Had a dream last night that Tom and I were flying on a plane. But the plane suddenly stalled in mid-air. So the captain announced that they were working on figuring out why the plane’s engine seized up and promised to get the plane moving again in no time. Until then, the flight attendants offered to “service” the passengers. At that time I realized that one of the attendants looked remarkably like Nane. I was pissed when I remembered I was on the rag.

I’m starting to wonder if I’m no longer psychic. Seriously. I haven’t had any moving dreams and the few I’ve had don’t add up to much.

We found a place in the best location yet in nearby Newcastle. It’s small and old but nice. What makes it so appealing is all the space around it. It’s more rural-like, but then again Newcastle is a lot like Auburn. I just worry that dogs may be allowed to live outdoors there and that they don’t have cable, so we’ll have to check that out.

There’s another place we’re watching that’s even smaller and in a typical park, but it’s got all-new carpet, flooring and appliances.

Lost a few pounds for no apparent reason, but they’ll be back soon enough. I still refuse to diet after the Alli attack. The hives are now barely visible, but they’re still there if you know where to look. If you’re fat, just stay fat. Diet aids aren’t worth the side effects and diets alone aren’t worth the hunger and cravings.

What’s really annoying is the pain I have today on the side of my left breast toward where it meets the armpit. I usually get soreness before periods, but this is bordering on pain. I’ve had this once or twice before. It’s really annoying.

These rats are never going in the bedroom again. Last night I thought they might like running around in there for variety, but all they did was piss and shit. This is a typical reaction to being nervous. But I thought they knew and trusted their mommy enough to know she wouldn’t bring them to harm! And how did a 1-pound rat get to be so strong? First I brought Sugar home, then when I went to lift the roof to put Romeo back in, he grabbed the edge of it and just did not want to let go.

Saturday, April 13, 2013
My lesson of the day: Eyeshadow “stickers” that are really temp tats are a waste of money. First I was too blind to apply them since I couldn’t do it with my glasses on, then I realized they were a bit big, even though my eyes are kind of big. But it wasn’t a total waste in the end because they make good “rings.” Even toe rings. I gotta laugh when I imagine Nane’s reaction to seeing my rainbow ring on my index finger. Her BF may be stable and “normal” and all things good, but her cyber GF is a definite loon, haha.

I realize, though, that I should lay off the “young” and colorful stuff wanting to get into an adult community. They only need to know I’m over 45. They don’t need to know I’m crazy. :)

I also got the 2 pounds of acrylic fuchsia rocks today for my large bamboo, but it’s not quite enough. I need 1 more pound. So I got a pound of clear rocks (same brand) to mix in with the fuchsia rocks. Two pounds is still enough but I think it would look better with the vase filled more than it is.

Wonder when they’re going to reach a verdict in the Jodi Arias case. I also wonder how high-profile cases can expect to be tried fairly with the way the internet is today. The jurors certainly must see all the comments, theories and opinions people have on the case. What was funny was that the Arizona PD says they’re aware that she’s dictating tweets from jail but can’t do anything about it. LOL, it’s nice to see them rendered powerless for once! Yet they “thought” they could try to get me for having copies of my old Blogger blog posts auto-sent privately to an individual. Nice try, buddies, though I still doubt that was a real cop. If it was, well, I sure showed them this time around just who’s NOT going to be railroaded. :)

Anyway, I think she’s guilty. If half of what I read is true, then she wasn’t an abused GF acting in self-defense. She was a jealous monster who killed out of rage and revenge.

Later…

My pork chops came out too dry. Why am I such a shitty cook? They sure tasted good, though. Next time I’ll wet them and maybe add a touch of margarine to them before I coat them with Shake-n-Bake.

Another Jodi juror gets dismissed, this one for health reasons, unlike the last one who was dismissed for saying something biased. How could they not be biased with all the info on the net these days??? I can just imagine the cyber media frenzy my own case would’ve made had the net been what it is today, all for a fabricated letter and all because the “victim” wasn’t white. I STILL can’t believe it got the kind of attention a celebrity or a murder case gets, but yeah, I can easily see it being on the net as much as the Jodi Arias case.

Someone once asked me if I wished I’d actually written the damn letter so I could say I’d have at least gotten what I deserved, and I said no. No letter, no matter what it may say, is worth 6 months in jail. I sometimes wish I’d beaten the living crap out of some folks at times, though.

I wonder why my blogs have been getting so much attention lately. There’s been a lot of visitors that spend hours in it, and yes, I can tell they’re not BOTs. Just what am I saying that’s so damn interesting, though? LOL, I’ve been getting friend requests up the ass, but I’m really not open to more friends these days. I have enough.

Had another negative money dream that was a little disturbing, though nothing too worrisome. In the dream, Nancy, one of my meanest cellies, told me she created a bank account in my name and had 2K of our money transferred to it to use as she saw fit. I was worried about not only how I’d get the money back, but also how I’d prove that I was the real Jodi S.

When I lift the roof of the rats’ cage, Sugar now has a way of standing straight up and giving me a “hug.” It’s so damn cute.

Andy thinks he saw Brenda in Springfield and that she saw and recognized him too, though he had no desire to talk to her. That’s how I feel about a lot of people I once knew. No hard feelings, but I wouldn’t care to associate with them these days.

He said Brenda looked the same only older. Same old, sad, worn-out face. I wonder if she ever kicked the crack and got custody of her kids. Brenda wasn’t a bad person, just a loser. She had no backbone of her own and chose to try to drown her problems with drugs. Only I was too naïve to see it at first back in 1990 when we met.

Imagine if she knew I was a published author who spent 12 years in Arizona, 3 in Oregon, and 6 in Cali and was married to a guy, hahaha. She’d probably think I gave up on women and settled. Oh, I gave up on women, all right. But SHE was the settlement, not Tom. She’s one of the few who taught me that being alone was better than settling. Brenda wasn’t ugly, but there was no real spark there either. She was way more attracted to me than I was to her. It always, always seems that way with women. I could always forget about those I was hot for, but I was welcome to an unlimited supply of uglies and crazies or women who were just so-so. Kind of insulting, if you ask me. Makes me feel like I’m ugly, too. Well, I wasn’t then, but I sure am now. Fat, old and ugly for sure. Still, how did one who danced in T&A bars that don’t take just anybody end up with as much rejection as she did??? I could’ve had plenty of guys, but the women treated me like I was Tracy or Bonny kind of ugly.

Molly’s friends have been a nightmare for Alison. She’s blocked 6 of them so far, trying to get her to think Molly’s in this oh-so-horrible place because she’s not allowed online. They even restrict her cell phone usage. Finally, Aly got fed up and emailed Marbridge. I’m surprised Marbridge doesn’t monitor their online activity. These sickos are in their custody, so they should be responsible for what they do. Personally, I don’t think anyone who’s fucked in the head should have online access. Seriously, Marbridge needs to remember why these nutjobs are there in the first place and use some common sense.

Tom said that part of what a group home does is teach the people how to get along in the world and that it takes a long time to “program” them. I say you can’t teach an old dog new tricks, and while this may sound like a very cruel and insensitive thing to say, I think they should all be lined up and shot dead. They’re nothing but a waste of space on earth and a menace to society. I don’t know if Molly is the way she is due to something traumatic or if she was just born that way, but that’s no excuse and I know she’ll never change. I was abused as a kid too, yet I don’t go around stalking people and trying to make people like me. I give up on those who give up on me, and if I’m not good enough for you, you’re not good enough for me. It’s ok to miss someone or to wish they liked you as much as you like them, but it’s not ok to try to force them to do anything they don’t want to do.

Meanwhile, I’m enjoying every moment that she’s forbidden from going online because I know it’s only a matter of time before she’s back, following us from site to site, using her friends to reach out to us, and reaching out to our friends. That’s why I try to hide them as best I can on Facebook. Really wish people would help protect themselves by not “liking” my cover photos. I can’t make those private.

Funny how the strange/rude questions on Ask stop the day Molly’s removed from cyberspace. Again I have to wonder if she’s a little smarter than I gave her credit for. I really thought most of that shit was coming from Kim. Either way, it’s wonderful not having either troll in my life… until they once again return to haunt me.

Friday, April 12, 2013
I heard Jesse roar out on the Harley at 11:00. A few hours later I thought he was going to blow off installing a new cooler pump, but he came down at 3:30. I was glad too, cuz next week my schedule will be worse for him coming down, even though it’s to be cooler out.

“Do you know what today is?” I asked him.

He said, “No, what is today?”

“Today’s the day we moved in here half a decade ago.”

He was surprised it’s been that long. It’s kinda sad that we’ve been cramped in such a dump for so long, but it’s better than an apartment and I do love these woods when they’re not assaulted with the sounds of loud equipment/vehicles.

He’s gonna run his gravity-forced pipe to the cooler so that it gets that off the well, but he says I won’t hear him. He asked what my schedule would be next week cuz he’s got to spray more Round-Up, but if all he’s doing is just coming down with a spray bottle, I won’t hear that either. I’ll have the sound machine on so that if he farts, it won’t wake me up.

I talked to my German hottie again. She still makes me laugh. :)

Tammy’s message didn’t make me laugh. Just when I was more hopeful for her than ever, the CAT scan results now show that both lungs have worsened. They still can’t figure out why, but they do know that it’s obviously not going to magically get better on its own. So the next step is to do another biopsy, then a team of doctors will then decide what to do from there.

Let’s see what else… I swapped messages with Andy and Alison and that’s about it.

Later…

Ordered the groceries for tomorrow’s pick-up, then some goodies on Amazon. I always wondered how they made such perfect dots when doing various nail designs. Then I saw an ad for dotting and marbleizing pens and tons of nail designs that were awesome. Although my nails are usually long, I have small hands and so that means small nails with not much room to play around on. I couldn’t do all of the designs, but I could do some. So I jumped on Amazon and am getting a set of 5 pens that allows you to make dots and swirls, as well as some rhinestones and special tweezers to apply them with.

I also grabbed a couple of bottles of hologram nail polish by Color Club in Cloud Nine and Angel Kiss. It supposedly reflects a rainbow of colors, and you know me and my rainbows. I just love them, haha. The rainbow eyeshadow stickers I ordered last week should be at the mail place, along with my big bamboo plant’s fuchsia gemstones that I plan to plant it in. Tom will be picking that and the groceries up on the way home from work.

Because I didn’t sleep well last night as I was expecting the Jes pest to come down to fix his damn cooler, I hope to sleep long and well tomorrow. I probably won’t crash before 2am - 3am and I don’t expect to be up before noon.

For the longest time, I thought I’d leave a note behind when we left for the Jes pest all about how much he and his mutts have annoyed me over the years, but now I just don’t care. I just want to move and be done with this place altogether. If he asks why we’re moving I’ll be honest with him and tell him that while the dogs have been amazingly quiet lately except for when anyone comes up the drive, we’re sick of the lack of space. We want a newer, bigger place that’s ours.

I also didn’t come here to listen to so many saws, hammers and loud vehicles. I’m surprised shooting hasn’t been an issue all along, though it used to be back when some asshole around here once went target practicing. I’ll never forget that first gunshot blast that sent me flying off the bed and out of a sound sleep! I was pissed! I’m all for the right to bear arms in the name of self-defense, but go to a fucking range to practice, will ya?

It’s so funny how a simple box can bring these rats to life, haha. They were just sitting there till I threw in an empty chip box, figuring it’d be small enough to remove once they made a mess, and they started bouncing with joy. Like, “Ooh, look what we got!”

Thursday, April 11, 2013
Rats are so like little kids. If you don’t watch them they’ll go where they KNOW they’re not supposed to be. I was using the computer in the bedroom while letting the rats play in the living room. After a while, I thought I’d go check on them and sure enough they were hanging out by the power strip. I yelled at them and they took off running in a very guilty fashion, LOL. It was so funny, though, the way they were like, oh no, she caught us! Run!

I talked to my German hottie earlier. She makes me laugh. :)

Most of today turned out to be good with one small pisser in the mix. The dumbshit up the hill replaced the broken cooler pump with the same pump that would stop and start and stop and start before. Tom got in and switched it from fan to cool when we noticed that foul chemical odor. He got up on the roof and found it had seized up, so he called up to the Jes pest and it’s going to come down and hopefully fix it right BEFORE I’d like to get up tomorrow. He knows I know he’ll be coming down, though, and so when I hear him I’ll know it’s him and what’s going on and just go back to sleep. He knows to pound on the bedroom wall if he absolutely needs me to get up.

When I do get up, after it’s fixed, I’ll have to set it manually since we can’t have it hooked to the computer’s thermostat with him replacing it. I am sooo sick of things breaking around here! Just so sick of it, and of course Tom says it’s “normal” for an old place. No, it’s not. There’s a breakage curse on us. That’s not normal. But we learned this with our brand new Maricopa house. As long as it’s ours or shit we use, it will break. Not looking forward to being the ones to have to pay for repairs in the new place, but I’m looking VERY forward to it being ours.

I giggle to myself when I think of the surprise and disappointment Jesse’s bound to feel when we give notice in what will hopefully be just a few weeks. I got messages from both Walter and Tammy letting me know that they’re wrapping up the estate by the 15th, their deadline. At this time I will immediately be sent half of whatever’s owed to me, then they’ll have 30 days to send the rest.

Tom got a hold of our favorite park and was told he can’t fill out an application without having a specific place picked out. I still don’t think we’re going to end up in our favorite parks. I think it’ll be just a basic park with elevated homes, and I doubt we’ll be lucky enough to find a place where no one parks alongside us, but I don’t care about that anymore. I know it’s going to be hard to sleep there for the first month or two until I readapt to civilization once again and having so many people so close to me. Tom, on the other hand, could sleep in the middle of a busy freeway. Whatever we get, wherever it may be, it’s going to be a lot bigger and nicer than this place! I won’t like the car door slamming as people and their company come and go, but I’m sure I’ll love everything else.

So the new plan is to wait till we have exact figures since our hands are pretty much tied until we know precisely what we have to work with, then we can really start aggressively hunting. We’ve been watching the listings every day. Really hope my dreams start providing more clues soon, too.

Speaking of dreams; a while back I had a dream he got transferred to second shift and was given a raise. But it never happened so we thought the dream didn’t mean anything. But he recently learned he is getting a raise after all! We just don’t know how much.

Last November or December I sensed a serious change to come in April. I’d say I’m definitely going to be right on that one!

Later…

I thought Tammy sounded the best I’ve heard her sound in a long time, and what she told me gave me hope that she’ll live a full life after all. She may not always have it easy, and she may never be able to work again, but they apparently aren’t in a hurry to do the transplant. So the fact that they’re not pushing to do it ASAP makes me think she’s not that critical. She still has to undergo more testing and might even have to have another biopsy done. They’re still not 100% sure what’s wrong with her, and the only way they can narrow down the possibilities is to be able to eliminate and rule out this, this and that.

I’m looking sooo forward to the move, but not the neighbors. Even if they’re dead quiet, I know the judgment will begin as soon as they know I’m under 65 and mostly living off my husband. Most people these days think it’s just plain wrong for a husband to support his wife. You just don’t do that nowadays unless she’s disabled, but you know how people are – if they can’t “see” your problem or if they don’t get it, then you’re not disabled as far as they’re concerned. Well, I’m going to spare myself the judgments, false assumptions and whatever other bullshit by being polite but not friendly. I’ll say hello to people at the pool, but forget about playing games with them at the clubhouse. If some lady invites me to tea or asks me to play bingo with her, then she better be really damn good-looking! I just don’t want trouble too close to home, is all.

I feel bad for one of Tom’s coworker’s parents. They’re broke and being evicted, so the daughter is looking for a place for them to live. She found a place that seemed to be a really good deal on some land around here, but when she saw the place she thought it was such a dump that she wouldn’t even think of letting them live there. Then she found another place that’s really nice and really cheap. The catch? It’s attached to a bar. That’d be worse than being attached to a kennel or a playground! At least the father’s lucky enough to be deaf.

Tom was able to download something that stops his computer from crashing when he goes to use his portable drive.

It’s to be in the 70s for the next few days, then a cool spell is going to take it down to the 60s. I know it won’t be long before we’re in the 80s or higher! Love that dry heat we get, but that’s not like the oven Arizona was.

So this supposedly gay-only drunk has now bought Mary a fireplace, a fish and fish tank, a 50” HD TV, given her oodles of cash, and I guess that next comes a car. I nearly fainted when I read that in Mary’s blog earlier. I finally had to ask where the hell he gets all this money, and I guess he inherited millions of dollars from what she says.

Miss You Can Abuse Me If You Buy Me Things just better know what she’s doing. When she finally gets fed up with the abuse, there’s no saying how he’ll react. Those who are broke can react in a pretty nasty way, and having money only makes that more likely.

What kind of “friend” showers another friend with all this shit anyway unless they’re hot for them? I wouldn’t give my friends that kind of stuff/money. Then again, if I suddenly had 20 mil, I don’t see why I wouldn’t want to give a million to my top few closest friends. Why not? How much money could we need this late in life anyway?

While I still think it’s sad that she’s putting up with his shit just to get stuff, I can also understand it. She could very well be on the street now if it weren’t for him. People do what they need to do in order to survive. She’s unemployed and her monthly expenses are over a grand, and this is without yet owning a car.

When I lived back east I never drove. I had a driving phobia and couldn’t afford a car anyway. So I used “Nervous” for rides since taking the bus was a major pain in the ass. Well, I had to put up with a lot of shit for those rides that in many ways weren’t worth it, and was glad when I finally broke free of him. It was best for us both. He was never going to get what he wanted from me anyway.

Wednesday, April 10, 2013
I really worry about Mary. She has proven to be the same naïve fool she was before prison. The only mistake she hasn’t repeated (yet) is to get knocked up by an asshole she keeps forgiving over and over again till something tragic happens.

But her supposedly gay friend Steven could very well be a tragedy waiting to happen if she doesn’t smarten up and quit being so nice. But this is more than her being too nice and naïve, it’s about her being stupid. She’s using the guy to help support her and buy her extras. No wonder she’s been shopping like crazy while unemployed. I thought maybe she had a book deal in the works or something or was receiving money from her abusive family she claims she wants to see as “people” and not “abusers.”

Steven is a drunk with a guy that beats up on him. From what Mary’s written in her blog, Steven has shown up drunk, has been destructive, and has said mean things to Mary. Mary told him not to bring his lover around, but he does anyway, even though he’s just as bad as his lover. He may not be violent, but still… he’s clearly not someone Mary needs in her life no matter what material things he may have to offer. Not only that, but she is still on probation and if she’s caught hanging around with a drunk she could get in trouble.

One minute she’s writing that she’s done with him, the next he’s buying her something. I tried to tell her that no one’s gifts are worth the abuse and asked if he’s really just gay. Usually, it’s those who are intimate (or want to be intimate with us) as well as family that tries to buy our love or at least our forgiveness and acceptance. This is a very common tactic for abusers to abuse and then go out and buy the people they abuse a gift, thinking they can buy their forgiveness and a chance to do it all again. Why isn’t she smart enough to see this? She is a true fool at heart to put up with him just for his money and gifts.

“Well, if he wants to buy me a new HD TV I’m not going to stop him,” she says, and also mentioned something about him paying a year of her rent even if she gets a job. Although Mary is a wonderful person otherwise, she definitely has no problem asking for favors and accepting whatever people will give her for free, even if they’re ax murderers. I love money and gifts too, just like anyone else, but not if the person giving it to me is going to abuse me for it.

When I asked about Steven’s feelings for her she said she’d never pass up the chance to turn a gay man straight. rolls eyes At 34 she should be smart enough to know you can’t turn a gay person straight anymore than you can turn a straight person gay. Every now and then, though, a predominantly gay person will be attracted to the opposite sex (it happened to me with Tom), but he didn’t make me attracted to him.

I didn’t hesitate to tell her she’s being foolish and will one day tell me she wished she’d listened to me, but it’s her mistake to make. I have not only suspected that Mary’s sweet, calm nature attracts bad news, but that she still has a twisted fondness for abuse. I think she always has and that a part of her will always like “living on the edge” with abusive people. It’s all she’s ever known anyway. Well, I just hope that when she gets knocked up, she doesn’t end up doing another 15 years when the abusive father kills the kid after she forgave him and let him back into her life one too many times.

Later…

Poor Tom. The portable drive he got crashes his computer. That’s something like over a year since he’s crashed, and I can’t even remember the last time I crashed. Macs are not only tough to infect, but also tough to crash. I laughed at him, but of course I’d be pissed as hell if it were my computer, haha.

I set the alarm for 9:00 and was a little tired when it went off, but not too bad. Jesse was a half-hour late but managed to get the cooler vacuumed and re-pumped in 45 minutes. Again he mentioned the roof, promising to let me know in advance when he’s going to do it. I asked about the hammering and he said he’s building a new deck in front. I thought he already had one, but he said there’s one in the back. Oh great, so now he can hang out in front and spy on us and his future tenants, as hard as it is to see through the trees and have company hang out there with him too, that we can hear down here. Unless he got the lumber from a friend or something, he can’t be doing too badly financially these days. I just hope the next time we see him will be to tell him we’re leaving!

Andy’s all worried about me because North Korea’s threatening to nuke Cali, but they’ve been threatening us for years, so why should we believe them this time? Whatever’s going to happen is going to happen anyway. Nothing I can do about it. If they do kill me, though, then I guess I won’t have to worry about getting any fatter. Besides, if the US stops it over the ocean and it still explodes, like Andy said it would, maybe the winds will carry it right back to them.

I wish they would simply kill those they give the death sentence to and be done with it in a timely fashion. We don’t wait 13 years to send someone to prison that we sentence to prison, so why are there tons of death row inmates running around still alive and well years, even decades, after they were condemned to death? If you’re not going to kill someone, don’t sentence them to die then. If you are, just do it!

I think America needs to get a little Muslim when it comes to death row inmates, and adopt the attitude of those savage muzzie beasts – kill, kill, and kill some more.

Jodi Arias will probably get death for killing her BF, but will she really ever be executed? I doubt it. Another woman who beat and poisoned her husband to death, also in Arizona, was sentenced to die in 2000, yet she’s alive and kicking. So tell me, what is the point of giving anyone the death penalty if you’re not serious about killing them?

Tuesday, April 9, 2013
Today’s one of those days where I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. The scale was up. There were no updates from Walter. I had a backache. I had PMS hunger two weeks before my period. I also had dreams again of renting. Oh, but I’m supposed to believe I’ll get my money and we’ll get out of here soon, right? Well, I’ve got a feeling we not only won’t be going anywhere soon, but we won’t be going to our top parks either.

Even though I had my main meal, the one I try to reserve for the middle to end of my day, I’m still hungry. For some reason, whenever I wake up really hungry, I could stuff myself all day but nothing curbs it. If it does it’s very short-lived. For the thousandth time, I gotta wonder just what the hell’s going on in my body to make it crave so much food. I don’t run 10 miles a day and spend the day doing a physical job. So why am I always so damn hungry???

Just got up and tossed down an additional 230 calories on top of my 350-calorie meal and I’m still hungry. :( I’m ready to take a Schläger to my stomach!

Later…

I had been kind of depressed the last couple of days, impatient about the move and feeling like it was never going to happen. I was torn between taking anything we could get and just giving up. I know the bastard above is going to continue to do all He can to hold us back and that owning is totally against His wishes for us, otherwise He wouldn’t have taken two places from us already.

Then Tom got home from work, went to turn the water on to the cooler since it’s supposed to hit 80° tomorrow, and sure enough the pump that was working just fine the other day no longer worked. I just knew there had to be a fucking problem with the thing like there is every single fucking year. Apparently, the cheap pumps only last a year and that’s what Jesse put in the thing last year. I was really worried at first, until Tom reminded me that cheap pumps don’t last long and that if the so-called breakage curse was living on through other people’s new to semi-new stuff, then it would surely break our own stuff once we moved.

Anyway, this pulled me out of my about-to-give-up mood and I said fuck what any God wants! I’m tired of all the problems around here – normal for old places or not – and listening to saws, hammers and other annoyances nearly every day. I’m going to have to listen to shit even in an adult community. I know that. But at least I’ll be doing it in a place that’s ours and that’s not so damn old and small. Today was actually quiet, though, probably because it was windy.

I realize that waiting around for first best may be a waste of time, and that’s fine. After Tom takes a shot at talking to the people at our favorite park, and after they turn us down, I’m willing to settle for almost anything. Even what we don’t want is what we do want. Meaning that even a place that’s old, not that nice, and in a less-than-ideal section of the park would still be heaven compared to this. I’d rather listen to people trim trees from our own place than someone else’s.

Speaking of trees, one went down in back. Actually, it was a large branch and not a whole tree. Thankfully, it’s out of the way and didn’t hurt anything.

Tom is going to call the park people tomorrow from work. He hopes to be able to meet with them on Saturday, but knowing how much something up there loves to delay things, they probably won’t be available till next week, which means he’ll have to put in for a day off since they like a week’s notice.

“We’re giving notice by May 1st,” I said to Tom after Jesse left. “No matter what, we’re taking what we can get and we’re getting the fuck out of here.”

He agreed. Enough is enough! We won’t have as many options if I don’t get my inheritance, but that’s ok. We’ll be happy enough with whatever we can get in the non-Beverly Hills of parks.

Meanwhile, the Jes pest has to return tomorrow around 10:00 to vacuum out leaves and other debris from his fucking cooler and to install a new pump. Watch, this time he’ll probably get an expensive one so the next people in here don’t have to deal with it for a few years if they can stand to stay cramped in here with such a noisy landlord for so long.

I really realize, though, that if we keep expecting to leisurely walk out of here and into first best, we could be here for months if not a year. Instead, we need to go crashing out of here head first and into what’s more like second best, but also more realistic, if we want to get out of here anytime soon.

Well, whatever’s up there can hate us, but it can’t stop us. We’re about to go crashing out and that’s that!

Monday, April 8, 2013
It’s pretty windy today so I’m taking a chance at keeping the sound machines off and hoping I won’t get the usual hammers, saws and loud vehicles you hear around here when it’s not raining or over 90°. It’s cool today, but by Wednesday we’ll have jumped 20°. The cooler’s water, pads and pump are ready to go. And I’m still hearing people bitch about spring not arriving yet in other states/countries, LOL.

One of Mary’s wall posts said something like, “When a person tells you their problems, it doesn’t mean they’re complaining, it means they trust you.” This is so true. At least for me it is. I can’t count how many times people have gotten the wrong idea by my “complaining” by either pegging me for a liar, a wimp, a whiner or someone out for attention. Talk about being seriously offended! That’s why I’m careful who I confide in until and if the trust I had for anyone who’s taken it wrong can be restored. I wonder about people at times, though.

I also wonder how some have concluded that I’m an atheist. Believing there’s an evil God up there does not make one atheist. Believing there’s NO God up there makes one atheist. Oh, I believe there’s something up there, all right. I just don’t believe it’s what most people believe it is. I don’t believe God is mostly good and that we can all run to Him with our problems, “give” them to Him, and tell ourselves all will be ok if we give them to Him and basically do nothing about them ourselves. Nor do I believe we can simply pray for what we want no matter how fair and reasonable our requests may be or else we’d have everything we ever wanted. To each their own, but to me, saying I’m going to give my problems to God would be like saying I’m going to give them to my porcelain ballerina doll. If I don’t try to figure them out and solve them, who will? I believe something up there (I don’t know if it’s necessarily God) can help influence us to either succeed or fail same as other people can, but if I have an infected tooth, I need a dentist to help me, not God. God’s not going to drop down from the sky and say, “Open up, Ms. S,” and yank that tooth out of my mouth.

Why I don’t think God is good should be obvious enough if you look not just at what’s gone on in my life, but other lives as well. What “good” God lets innocent babies be murdered and natural disasters take the lives of millions? Even if it isn’t actually God doing the evil but some devil instead, He still lets it happen.

In fact, I think something up there is going to do all it can to delay the move even more. I worry that the park is going to turn us down. We know for sure we could get in in a year from now, but we both do NOT want to wait another year. I don’t even want to wait 2-3 months, though that’s what it’ll take to get our credit up to their standards if they’re not willing to work with us where we’re at now. We won’t know for sure till Tom talks to them hopefully within a week. That’s the next step now that we’ve seen and ruled out the co-op park. While I would never give up without trying first, I learned years ago that if we put all our time and energy into struggling for what isn’t meant to be, we miss out on what IS meant to be. So if Park A is meant to be, I don’t want to waste time trying to get into Park B and keeping us stuck here even longer unnecessarily.

If we have to settle for our runner-up parks, we will if we can’t get into our favorite parks. Life is often about settling and making the best of what you can get and we’re used to that. The runner-up parks are still plenty nice and it’s pretty much what I’m counting on in the end. Our two favorites are certainly the Beverley Hills of all parks, and so I’m not expecting to get into them what with the high standards they have. If Tom’s right, however, then they’ll take us and it’ll just be a matter of picking out the house we want and moving into it probably sometime in May. But Tom is notorious for being overly optimistic and I just don’t “feel” like we’re moving anytime soon. My dreams don’t suggest it’s going to happen that soon either.

I’m just about all out of hope inheritance-wise. Walter said he contacted the CPA this morning to see what’s up and hasn’t heard back from them yet. And yes, that’s something God would do or at least allow to be done to me; see to it that my perps not only go unpunished but that I don’t profit from them either. That’s ok, though. We don’t need their money. Tom alone makes around 4K a month. Mommy Dearest and her enabling husband would’ve just been a bonus.

Still no Molly. I did a little test and got some pretty interesting results. Since she’s been kicked offline I decided to open my old Ask account and pulled myself off the stream (that way anyone who asked me anything would have to look for me specifically or be following me) to see if I still got the same weird questions we were both getting which I had thought were from Kim or Kathy, but they’ve stopped. Just stopped. Now I’m actually wondering if she was a little smarter than I gave her credit for. I just didn’t think she’d have brains enough to change her writing style and be sure to ask us both questions to make it look like someone else. Think it could’ve been her? Makes me wonder if perhaps Kim really has gotten sick of checking my blogs.

I was shocked to learn from Andy that he not only placed an ad showing his face and dick but that this is actually a very common thing. Don’t people have any class or self-respect these days? I can see hookers, dancers and escorts doing this, but what kind of a “date” does one expect to get by posting pictures that make a person seem desperate, promiscuous and trashy?

Sunday, April 7, 2013
Before I write about the co-op park which we agreed before seeing much of that we won’t even consider moving to, Tom had me laughing my ass off last night when trying to set up the microphone for the German language learning program I’ve been using. I once won a Sexy Jesus prize pack (when aiming for the first prize which was something big, though I don’t remember what) and one of the things was a little Sexy Jesus figurine on a spring with a round sticky base that you can stick wherever. Jesus sort of bounces around when any movement jars him. Well, this idiot stuck him on her microphone. The opening, which is up top, is so tiny I never even noticed it, and of course I don’t have the best of vision to begin with. So once I pried him off and tossed Jesus aside, Tom starts testing the microphone to one of the speaking exercises where you speak the name of the object in the picture you see. German commonly uses “the” before objects (der, die, das) and he didn’t know the word for pear, of course, so he just goes, “Der pear.” LOL, it was pretty funny. Andy would’ve laughed his ass off and I could picture him goofing off and trying to pronounce the words and me laughing over that, too.

We took off around 10am and arrived in Sac Shitty about 40 minutes later at a suburb of the Sac called Florin. This is where the really cheap co-op park is located. Once we saw how rundown the area was we wouldn’t even drive through the park. We saw enough of it from the outside anyway, and it was just so-so. The trailers were raised. I would much rather pay an additional 1-3 hundred a month for a safer, cleaner area and a nicer park where the tenants can’t vote against keeping dogs as household pets only.

Being there made me realize just how much nicer and safer this little town is, but we don’t see ourselves staying in Auburn. Other towns are also nice and closer to work and on bus lines if we ever need them, and have more stores and restaurants around. Besides, Sac City isn’t exactly where I want to live anyway. It was so hard to find the place, even with the navigator and printed directions due to the hilly terrain. In Arizona, it was so flat when you weren’t on a mountain that you could see landmarks way off in the distance to help guide you.

Once we returned to Auburn we hit KFC. Neither of us was ready to return home afterward, but we wanted to do something different and go someplace fun that we hadn’t been to in a while. So we went to Walgreens, which always has tons of nice things to look at without the crowds of Walmart. Some screaming kid was there when we first went in, but fortunately it left a few minutes later. All I could think was how my mother would’ve killed me if I carried on like that in public or at home as a kid. Really, I just wanted to slap it silent!

We got new AARP cards so we can get various discounts. Even though I’m under 50 being married to someone over 50 entitles me to the same benefits. Tom was lucky I was with him because I remembered that Walgreens was one of the AARP stores, not that we couldn’t afford to pay in full. It came to around $78 after the discount, but that was ok since I never ordered the incense I was going to order. That’s because they only accept PayPal and we don’t have a PayPal account at the moment, thanks to the scammers that caused us to have to shut our account down.

He got some games and a few electronic gadgets, and I got a nice sundress, a glittery overcoat for nails, a pink throw, plus some other odds and ends, like one of those air fresheners you hook to your car’s vent. I always wanted to try one of those.

Of the things he got for just $10, he got a dock/speakers for the iPod that would sit on the treadmill, since I won’t be able to blast my music when we move, and it also came with headphones and earbuds. The speakers aren’t very loud at all, though, and I don’t know if I could hear the music over the sound of the treadmill, but if not, I can just use earbuds.

The nicest thing I got is a beautiful bamboo plant with little pink flowers stuck between the 4 stalks that are supported by a gold twisty tie. They really did a good job making it look like one with the plant. Love the clear and purple rocks in the clear vase, too.

My older, bigger bamboo is just in water, but I think I may get decorative rocks for that one as well.

Tom got the water turned on to the cooler to the usual tune of saws and hammers, none of which was Jesse’s, and amazingly there were no issues with it this year. No ruptured hoses causing water to spray all over the place and no pump seizing up, so that’s good. As I said to Tom, I bet it would have something wrong with it if we were stuck here indefinitely and broke just to add to our stress, not that we’d have to pay to fix it as renters.

I took a few days off from working my arms, then did a light workout yesterday thinking my shoulder was healed, but that only aggravated it, so I’m taking a few more days off.

It’s so nice to be able to enjoy life without the stress we were under in the past, wondering if we’d be able to pay next month’s rent or even if we’d survive and be alive in a few months. But sadly, I’m hearing many of the same stories of struggling that we used to tell. So in the midst of my happiness, I do worry about the health and finances of others that I know aren’t as fortunate these days.

What else? Nothing really. I chatted with my Argentina friend for a bit and that’s pretty much it.

Later…

My new Spotlight glitter nail polish is so pretty to look at just sitting in its bottle, let alone on my nails. Instead of small specs of glitter, these are tiny strips of glitter that are about the size of a printed dash. So right now I have dashes of silver glitter that change color depending on how the light hits it over nail polish that matches apple green Tic Tacs perfectly.

Deciding that I like the bamboos planted in decorative rocks as opposed to sitting in just plain water, I’m going to be getting a bag of acrylic rocks for my big bamboo in fuchsia. This will help weigh it down and will be easier to just add new water to as it evaporates. They’re made for this sort of thing too, so I won’t have to worry about the “gems” floating.

I’m still enjoying my Instant Immersion language learning software, but it’s too soon to say if I like it better than LiveMocha’s setup. It’s different but similar. It has a memory match game that LM doesn’t have, and it helps drill in the vocabulary. So far I have yet to encounter anything as tough as LM’s magnet exercises where you form sentences from a scattering of words, but it’s still extensive enough that I think it would be tough for someone who was learning German from scratch. I think a lot of this is better for the more advanced levels. Tom read that we pretty much only use about 2500 words in any language, so the key is to learn those, plus proper grammar, but with German’s complex grammar rules, I don’t ever expect to have great grammar.

When I went into the bathroom in KFC to wash my hands after I was done eating, I glanced in the mirror. I don’t have any hair anymore, I thought to myself. All I have is fuzz. So I got some deluxe leave-in conditioner, and we’ll see if that helps it so it doesn’t look and feel so shabby. Dying it and straightening it has really done a number on it.

Saturday, April 6, 2013
Been having so much fun with the new language-learning software, but it is way too soon to really judge how effective it is. It’s helping me to learn even more vocabulary. That much I can say.

I have bitched and bitched about the many ordinary, everyday abilities that I have been denied in this life, but I have definitely been blessed with the ability to learn languages quickly and easily, and that helps make up for some of my shortcomings. Although not fluently and not always correctly, I was able to read, write and speak German in less than a year after I started with knowing just a few words.

If Jesse can keep his racket to himself today, I’ll spend most of the day studying in between my workout, shower and doing a few loads of laundry.

Tomorrow we’ll change the rats’ cage, turn the water on the cooler now that we’re to be in the 80s, then enjoy the day checking out that co-op park.

Tom continues to wish he had a life while loving all the money he’s making. It’s insane and this could very well be the last time he ever makes so much. We’re certainly not going to get as much when he retires, but we’ll be much better off than we were on unemployment.

I really, really hope we really do find our home this month. One that’s nice but something we could still afford if he were laid off and we were back on unemployment.

For old-time’s sake, I’m going to order one last round of my favorites from Incense Galore.

I had a dream about Maliheh last night, but we didn’t just exchange emails, we met in person and all seemed to be fine. Does this mean I’m finally going to hear from her? I doubt it. I really believe without a doubt that she befriended me for dishonest reasons.

Friday, April 5, 2013
Our day of rain is over, so now it’s back to hammers, saws and loud vehicles. :( At least the dogs are still amazingly quiet. He’s gotta have someone staying with him. I doubt anyone’s complained on him because that’s been done before we entered the picture and it didn’t do any good then, so why would it now?

It’s gotten kind of green out there, but a month from now the browning effect will occur and that’s how the underbrush will stay till the fall.

Yesterday was dead quiet. So much so that I could get a lot of proofreading done.

Last night I had a couple of senseless dreams that weren’t very good.

One took place in the house we had when we lived in Maricopa, Arizona. Tom and I were sitting in the den when he told me I was a bad wife. I said, “I know,” then got up, crossed the kitchen, walked through the living room, and out the front door. I felt spider webs stick to me as I descended the wooden steps and quickly brushed them off. I expected it to be cool and crisp, but instead it was warm and sticky like it was the monsoon season. Instead of the ground consisting mostly of dirt, it had thick green grass. There was just enough moonlight to see that there were a few inches of water in the wash and that it was drizzling. In real life, you’d need a helluva lot more than just a drizzle to put water in that wash. I remember. Although I heard Tom open the door and call to me, I simply ignored him and walked off into the night.

In real life, Tom has never thought or told me I was a bad wife and he never would.

In the other dream we were moving, but we were going into the new place as renters with the idea in mind that we’d buy a place in a few years. Not gonna happen. It actually costs more to rent mobile homes than to buy them, and of course buying an on-site house in a retirement community is really out of the question. They’re super expensive. We considered renting first to test the waters, but when you rent mobile homes you have to pay for the space rent and the rent that the owner charges. If you own it outright, you just pay the space rent.

I briefly considered buying a few single-wides for a few grand each, figuring we’d be less likely to get assholes in a 55+ park to rent them out to, but then quickly dumped the idea when I realized that we’d be the ones to have to fix whatever broke, and if they all happened to be empty at once, we’d have to pay all that space rent.

Now it’s time to work out, shower and do some laundry and cleaning. Gotta order groceries too, to be picked up tomorrow.

Later…

Oh my, my, my. I accidentally offended cousin Sharyn, though she said it was no problem when I apologized for it, assuring her I was just joking. She made a post about being grateful to be alive as there were other people hit by cabs that day in NY that didn’t make it. She concluded the status update by saying she hoped that feeling never ended. Jokingly, I wrote: It will end January 1, 2178 :) ox

Not long afterward, I noticed the post disappeared. So I PM’d her to let her know it was meant only as a joke and not intended to offend anyone.

It’s really gotten me to realize that Sharyn has absolutely no sense of humor whatsoever, and has never really been much of a friend to me any more than the distant cousin that she is, but like Tom said, she’s a relative but not “family.” She is how she is, though, and so I just won’t comment anymore on her posts. That way I don’t take any chances of saying something seemingly innocent that she ends up taking the wrong way. She’s just too serious and too sensitive.

I noticed Renate unblocked me, though I don’t know why she ever did in the first place. When someone doesn’t want anything to do with me I respect their wishes and I back off. Really, I don’t understand why people can’t just unfriend me and leave it at that. Why do they have to go so far as to block me? I really wish they could just ignore me, though, because too many blocks could put my account in jeopardy. It wouldn’t be the end of the world to have to create a new account, but still… who needs the hassle because people have to go to extremes?

Anyway, I said hello and let her know I miss our chats. She didn’t re-block me, but she didn’t reply either. It’s amazing how unforgiving people can be, but in most cases that’s a good thing. Being too nice can get you in trouble. I wish Mary could see that. She’s come a long way, but she’s still allowing other forms of abuse into her life and as I tried to tell her, abusive friends and family aren’t any more acceptable than abusive lovers and spouses.

Thursday, April 4, 2013
Again I got the word wrong as far as what Tammy has. She has sarcoidosis. Still no laughing matter. If the idiot doctors could’ve caught it early on, they could probably have gotten rid of it altogether. But because they didn’t, she has permanent damage. I hope the doctors don’t know she still smokes, even if she’s cut back because Tom said they don’t give transplants to those who smoke. According to Tom’s research, the only way sarcoidosis can turn fatal is if it affects the heart. She does have some kind of a murmur that was detected, but that may not be anything serious. I think it’s too soon to know just what her future holds. All we can do right now is hope for the best. As Norma said, she’s a strong woman. So hopefully, whenever she has the transplant, it will be successful.

Romeo gave me a good laugh yesterday in the midst of my concerns for Tammy. I was thankful for it, too. I needed it. He’s decided the dusting wand is his new toy and was chasing it like crazy. I’d swing it left to right and back and forth and he went like he was trying to do some twisted dance routine.

Rain’s in today’s forecast. That’ll shut the Jes pest up. All I should hear today is the truck coming and going.

Maliheh finally picked up my email and sure enough, she ignored it. So she’s only confirming what I’ve come to suspect and will hear from me one last time in July as that will make it the longest I’ll have gone without hearing from her.

I brought myself to go public again, including opening my old Ask account. I realized that with Molly out of the picture, it might narrow down who may’ve been playing with me. I always thought the main perp was Kim, but what if it was Molly pretending to be her? It’s unlikely, but with Molly eliminated from the scene, we’ll see what happens. Nothing came in yesterday. They may not check for me every single day, whoever they are. I’m suspecting it’s someone with an account that’s following me, in which case I’ll reappear on their friend list now that I’ve reactivated. I pulled myself off the stream so I don’t draw as much attention from random people.

Wednesday, April 3, 2013
No call from Tammy yet. Hopefully, it just means she was tired after her appointment and not that she got bad news. Last weekend I had really bad feelings about her not making it past another 5-10 years, but then they dissipated a few days ago. The fact that they’re looking to replace only one lung gives me hope that they can help her live at least somewhat of a normal life and that they’re doing it to give her a better quality of life vs. to save her life. But when they’re doing it I don’t know. Maybe it won’t even come to that. I have to wait till she updates me and tells me more.

Last night I vaguely remember having a quick dream about moving stuff out of here, which tells me the move, is getting closer. Damn right it’s closer cuz we’re going to make it closer! I am so fucking fed up with Jesse and his shit! On top of two hours of hammering yesterday I had to deal with an hour of loud engine gunning in the afternoon. I thought he was taking off on the motorcycle at first, but I guess he decided to work on it instead. This morning at 9:00 sharp the sound machines are going on and that’s the way they’ll stay all day. I’m not even going to bother to wait for his shit. We’re on for rain again this week, but the problem is that it almost always rains at night here. So by the time the damn cock is out and about, the ground may still be wet, but it’s plenty dry enough to go pounding away at things and gunning engines. Has this guy got some kind of phobia about being indoors when it’s light out unless it’s raining or over 90°?

What is it with the bastard above and the way He’s been so hell-bent on tormenting me with every single neighbor I’ve had since 1992??? How is it I just “happen” to end up with every extreme and fluke possible and just “happen” to get the noisiest of neighbors possible every fucking place I go? I’ve had it all from welfare bums to college kids, from large Mormon families to crazy old ladies with service dogs. What’s God gonna sic on me when we move? Sure there are enough welfare bums out there as well as large families and college kids, but what are the odds of one ending up with every fucking circus imaginable out there?

I’ve also been teased with neighbors and just when I think I finally found my dream neighbor, they turn noisy on me. It’s been very common for me to move in next to quiet neighbors who turn around and move out a few months later, or for seemingly quiet neighbors to move in next to me that turn noisy 4-6 months down the road. But my dream of having mystery neighbors remains forever elusive.

I know I’m going to have to hear home renovations, landscaping, vehicles and door slamming every day, not to mention mutts barking by as their owners walk them, but at least the place will be ours and it will have adequate space. I’d still prefer a mobile home in a mobile home park as opposed to a trailer in a trailer park, but if the fancy parks give us any hassle, there’s a cheap doublewide in an adequate enough park we should be able to grab without issues. I don’t like the idea of being in a 1970’s paneled dump with flimsy walls (they didn’t start building them like real houses till the 80s), but it beats staying here if that’s what it comes down to.

This weekend we’re going to check out the park where people own it. My only concern there is that if you don’t think dogs should be household pets and you’re the one running the show, why would you allow them indoors? Tom’s worried it may be too old and run down with no one to get on the people about keeping up on things, but we’ll see.

Later…

Got a sad update from my sister, who does need a lung transplant for sure. She just doesn’t know when, where, or how many lungs they’ll be replacing. She doesn’t have MD or MS either, after all. She has scleroderma. The idiot doctors she used to see took a piece of her lung for a biopsy a while back. Well, it turns out the biopsy was never sent. So that’s part of why she’s suffered so long without knowing what the hell was going on. I don’t blame her for being pissed. Incompetent assholes like this should be sued and stripped of their license to practice.

Other than having a landlord who can’t shut up, while things are going so well for us, they’re going downhill for her and I feel so helpless. Especially being so far away.

Although I can’t see it, Maliheh made a mobile upload 16 minutes ago but doesn’t appear to have picked up my email. Did she receive it or have cookies off? I don’t know. I only know I’m as done with her as she is with me.

Tuesday, April 2, 2013
I am in a rather indecisive mood right now because I can’t make up my mind as to what I want to do with my blogs. For now, I’m going to share entries (not just links) with just a few of my FB friends. I don’t know how often I’ll do this, but this way they won’t be left out of the loop no matter what I do with them. I will continue to post old excerpts on MD and LJ, only MD is private for now, unlike LJ. I can’t make LJ private, unfortunately. All I could do is make future posts friends/private and set each of my old posts that way, too. But with over 4300 posts, that wouldn’t be an easy task. If I update Tumblr it’ll only be because the trolls don’t know about that blog.

Although Molly’s mother, who’s almost as creepy as her daughter, doesn’t have the desire to view my blog dozens of times a day like Molly would if she could, I no longer like the idea of blogging for just anyone to see because of trolls like them and Kim. It was fun for a while, but I also like to have a choice. I can turn MD and MO from private to public and back and forth at will, but I can’t do that with LJ and I see no way to do that with Tumblr either. So for now I think I’ll stop updating current stuff on LJ and maybe Tumblr too, and just update MD and MO, only they won’t be public.

Sometimes I want to set things the way I would normally set them had I not been unfortunate enough to end up with these nutjobs stalking me and tell myself not to let them control how I do things, but what’s going on in my life is simply none of their business, even if what’s going on with me is the last thing they really care about. They’re looking for names. They want to see if I’ve mentioned them and anyone else they know. That’s the real reason they follow me. Not because they’re interested in my life.

I had a nightmare about them coming after me last night, but that was no doubt triggered by the discussion I had with Alison about them just before bed. I think they tried to sue me, though, not attack me or kill me or anything like that. That’s a scary dream to have after Mommy Dearest spent 17 minutes and 25 seconds bouncing between my MO and LJ blogs, though there’s nothing to sue for. I’ve been over the blogging rights with a fine-tooth comb and as long as I don’t post threats or sensitive info, I don’t see how I’d be at risk of lawsuits.

I noticed Molly suddenly disappeared from my tracker something like 4-5 days ago. Then Aly told me that one of her fellow group home members, many of whom she’s had to block, told her that her mother threatened to demand that the director keep her offline due to bashing fellow group homies. I’m kind of surprised the group home doesn’t monitor all online activity by its residents to begin with, keeping in mind the reason why they’re there in the first place - because they’re fucked in the head! People like Molly and Kim NEVER change and should NEVER be allowed online for the rest of their lives.

Later…

I had just started to make public my MO and MD blogs and even my old Ask account, determined not to let trolls spoil the fun of seeing who comes around, but couldn’t do it. I guess I not only get off on depriving them of their reading pleasure, I just don’t want these stalkers to know much about the upcoming move and where we’re going. I don’t intend to state the town we move to in public, not that it could really hurt me in any way. It’s just that I think one should be extra cautious when it comes to obsessive, hateful people who are the vengeful kind. I know I’m not doing or saying anything wrong in my blogs, but the whole world knowing certain details about my life and my whereabouts isn’t necessary. Facebook and email are one thing, but I won’t publish pics of the new place in my blog. The inside, maybe. The outside, no way.

Both mom and daughter (I don’t know about Kim), have me bookmarked for God’s sake and these are people who are supposed to hate me and not want anything to do with me. They also know I don’t want anything to do with them. I have read some of the troll’s blog just because some of it is so crazy that it’s actually funny, but I have a feeling they read mine not just because they’re curious to see if I’ve mentioned their name or those they’re familiar with, but to see what they may be able to use against me. Well, I don’t see what can be since I don’t post threats or sensitive info, but still, they’re almost like a peeping Tom peering through my window at me and it just gives me this feeling of unease. Plus there are people out there even more hateful and vengeful than they could ever be and they’re the last ones I need pouring through my shit.

A friend suggested that I just keep generic stuff in the blogs they know about, but it’s a pain to edit the entries to that degree. Some censoring is necessary, of course, but I usually find it easier to just keep private things private rather than edit each entry depending on what blog it’s going in.

Mrs. M doesn’t usually view my blog nearly as obsessively as her daughter, but whenever Molly’s craziness escalates, she runs to see what I may know/say about it.

That fucking landlord of ours has been hammering all morning. Or at least some of it. Started at 9:20 and was still going strong at 11:30. I guess he’s fixing the wooden rails on his deck. That’s my guess anyway from what it sounds like. I just wonder how many more days of this shit I’ve got to deal with. And then what? What project will he annoy me with next?

Tom said the other day that it’s normal to hear your neighbors even a couple of hundred feet away, but is it really? Andy doesn’t hear his and he’s attached to them. I can see hearing neighbors a few feet away, but is it really “normal” at 200 feet? Unless I sleep all day I always, always hear something – hammering, sawing, vehicles – something. The dogs have been the quietest they’ve ever been since we’ve been here, but still, I wonder if I’m just overly sensitive to sounds and easily distracted by them or if it really truly is normal to hear your neighbors on a daily basis, even if they’re not just an arm’s length away.

Well, they’re soon to be an arm’s length away, and they’re going to be coming and going several times a day. So is their company. Plus they’re going to be hammering their own repairs, trimming bushes, and hanging outdoors when the weather’s nice, so it’s time I get used to it.

I just worry that there’s going to be even more delays. I have my doubts about getting into our favorite parks, but we’re still curious about a couple of other options. One is that park where you own part of the park which we’re going to check out this Sunday. As Tom said, the space rent (even though it’s not really “rent”) would be so cheap that he’d be tempted to look for a job closer to the place. We hadn’t considered this place because it was so far from his job.

There’s also a dumpy old doublewide for just 6K in a park with nice wide streets and its space rent would be between the owned park and our favorite parks. This place would be very close to work, but it has no pool. I hate to take another old dump, but life is about settling and I’m used to dumps. This way we wouldn’t have to take out a loan and would still have thousands in savings from the get-go. It seems most options have their pros and cons, but I’m tired of waiting! If the fancy parks tell us we gotta do this and do that and it’ll take another half a year, I say we go ahead and settle. As long as the dump is spacious enough and undamaged, it may be our best bet. Then we could just fix it up from there however we wanted.

Monday, April 1, 2013
Our 20th anniversary is in June of 2014 and Tom’s goal is to weigh less than he did when we were married. When we married he was between 210-220. He’s down to 227 from 285. Well, I sure as hell ain’t gonna be lighter, LOL. I was just 97 pounds when we married. I’m 25 pounds overweight and am probably going to stay that way indefinitely. I keep losing and gaining the same 5 pounds every month. Now that I’m older I just can’t deal with the hunger and fatigue of hard-core dieting and that’s what it’d take at this age to make a serious loss, even with exercise.

I don’t remember one single dream I had last night.

Will this be the month we find our home? I hope so!

Later…

Telling myself to mind my own business and quit worrying about grown-up adults who can take care of themselves is easier said than done at times. The more I care about someone, the more I worry. And, well, I worry that my dear friend Mary is going to shop herself on the streets before she finds work, and I wonder if associating with negative influences from the past simply because they’re “family” is good for her. Again, I know I should mind my own business and let her take care of her own self. After all, I’m not her mother and I can’t control what she does. But I can worry. The people she’s in touch with can never hurt her in the way they once hurt her now that she’s a grown adult so that much is a good thing. For now, though, unless she’s got more money coming in than I know about, I hope she’s got someone who can hold her belongings and doesn’t mind living on the streets if worse comes to worst, cuz I don’t think she’s going to slow the shopping down anytime soon, LOL. Most young people aren’t very smart with their money, and she is still kind of young. We didn’t get it till our 40s and 50s and we may never have gotten it had hardship not turned into disaster. Hope things don’t have to get too extreme for her!

I guess we all have a way of overdoing something. Andy overdoes the sex talk/pics, I overdo the blogging, Tom overdoes the clutter, and Mary seems to overdo the live-for-the-moment thing. There’s nothing wrong with living for the moment, but I think one should live for the past and future as well because the past is what helps shape our future for the better or for the worse, depending on how we handle things.

I understand her reluctance to trust people and how her life experiences have made it damn near impossible to do so. Sometimes you get to wondering if everybody is a liar or if it’s your own paranoia making you think they might be. Eventually, I decided that while I can’t make everyone be truthful, I can at least avoid those I suspect may be dishonest about whatever. People say they don’t want to be dumped, but sometimes they push us away leaving us no choice when all they do is bullshit us or fling all kinds of false accusations at us. Sometimes I’m not sure which is worse, not being believed by those we thought trusted us, or not being able to believe those we thought we could trust.

Speaking of shopping, Tom and I may order some really reasonably priced language learning software on Amazon. Rosetta Stone is super expensive and each level costs about $400. But Instant Immersion’s 3 levels are just $25, so we thought we’d get the Spanish and the German. The reviews seemed pretty positive. The Spanish will be Tom’s 5th or 6th and probably final attempt to learn Spanish, LOL, and this way I can work toward getting fluent in German and more fluent in Spanish. If I like these programs I’ll get Italian and other languages as well. We saw languages for preschoolers and Tom joked about getting that and how that may be his only hope, hahaha.

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Last updated August 16, 2024