December 2012 in 2010s

MONDAY, DECEMBER 31, 2012
This is the third or fourth day in a row that I woke up with a scratchy throat that takes hours to go away. What the hell is causing it?

Since what may very well be menopause has set in, diet and exercise haven’t been doing me much good, but I’m going to give it another shot to see if I can get results. If not, then I guess I will just have to accept that my weight is going to stay where it’s at or continue to climb. Really hope it doesn’t keep climbing. Again, I’m doing this for comfort and health reasons and not for appearances. The heavier I am, the less flexible I am.

I used to get a few messages and comments on Facebook a week. Now I get much more than a few in a day. So if I forget to answer them all, don’t think I’m ignoring you!

Well, I think that’s pretty much it for the year, so happy new year everyone!

LMAO!!! Carla had me laughing my ass off so hard when she told me this one. Love the name Snowbelle for a rat, too.

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 30, 2012
Tammy left an 8-minute message (I can’t believe it let her ramble that long) telling me stuff I pretty much already know, but nothing bad. She said the girls would like to have an aunt in their lives and reach out to me and all that shit and would like it if I reached out to them little by little like Etta, their other aunt, reached out to them. However, they were a bit hurt over my bashing Bill in my blog. She said they totally understood my ill feelings for him, were old enough to know he was/is no saint, and understood that my journal is a place for expressing myself, etc. However, I don’t have a problem with not mentioning him, and I told all 3 of them this. I’ve already said what I have to say about him anyway.

Although I’ll never forgive Bill, even if he didn’t realize the full extent of the consequences of his actions, I believe what happened was destined to be as sick, wrong, cruel, and as unfair as it was. If it weren’t for Bill, God would have used someone else to take the welfare bums by the hand and lead them to our door. Still… if he does croak of cancer I’ll be sure to keep my delight out of public for a while. I also won’t get involved in current family disputes (with them and Lisa) or take sides cuz that’s how trouble starts. Not that they asked me to or anything like that. I’m sorry they’re not getting along, but it’s got nothing to do with us just like my ill feelings (and I told the girls this) for Bill has nothing to do with them.

Lastly, not to take it personally that tech issues or not I’m just not a phone person. It’s much easier to keep in touch online.

The girls said they understood.

Tammy also mentioned having - I think she said Internet issues and not computer issues - and I was surprised at first. Then it hit me that if she’s out in the boonies too, she may have the same kind of shitty DSL we have. The net was down here for 2½ hours and we didn’t think it was going to come back, so Tom fine-tuned the antennae by throwing it on the roof and switched us to the hotspot. We’d drop AT&T and do the hotspot full-time if it weren’t so expensive. We could afford it, but it would eat into our savings and we don’t want that. The net did come back on, though.

What I didn’t tell her was that I’m indifferent to whether or not she and the girls remain in my life, as there are pros and cons to both. People do come and go throughout our lives and one does get used to it. This doesn’t mean I wouldn’t feel bad, though, if Becky fell down and broke her leg or something.

She hasn’t had time to start her journal yet, she said, and I guess Becky does have to have eye surgery, which sucks.

Strange thinking how Tammy was just a breath away from ultimately ending up as siblingless as she is parentless when Tom and I nearly offed ourselves to save us from the streets. But we were the ones to survive in the end, and now I just hope that God’s giving Mom in the afterlife what she deserves cuz He sure as hell didn’t give it to her here.

Here’s the best news. She talked to Walter and “coincidently,” considering what my vibes and dreams have been telling me as far as getting more than just a few grand goes, she said she really believes I’ll get a good amount of money. Well, anything would help with getting a nicer place, but I still don’t want to assume anything, no matter what my vibes and dreams may say till I actually see anything. Meanwhile, Walter’s wrapping up the final business deals and paperwork and all that stuff.

I’ve been having a feeling of major change coming in April too, but don’t know what kind of change. I’d love to think that’s when we’ll move, but that seems awfully soon.

Tammy’s been kind enough to ID the “dead bodies,” or mostly dead ones in the super old family pics that I uploaded to FB. For now, they’re visible only to her until she finishes identifying everyone for me. I know who most of them are, though.

Seems Nana and Pa got the house next to us sooner than I realized. I thought it was built around the time ours was and that we all moved in at the same time. But there’s a picture of both my grandparents with Mom, Dad, and either baby Larry or Tammy. Well, Papa Joe died before I was born, so they had to have been there since at least the 50s.

Tom’s now thinking he had a stomach bug and that that’s why he puked last night and not because he overate. This makes more sense because while he may get carried away at times, especially on weekends, I’ve never known him to eat too fast and too much till it actually made him puke.

My boobs were sore yesterday and I thought I’d be getting a period, something I’m not entirely against with all the water retention I’ve been experiencing, but now they’re not that sore and I don’t know what to think. Menopause? A fluky month? Something else?

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 28, 2012
Poor Tom. He woke up and had to puke. He said he was so hungry when he got home that he ate so fast that he didn’t realize when he was full.

Let’s see… what can I bitch about? It’s what I do best and I’m damn good at it. Well, It really bothers me to see headlines about searching for missing people of color. Can’t they just search for missing PEOPLE and leave it at that? Why must there always be labels and favoritism? Reverse discrimination isn’t any more okay than discrimination. While people have been so busy favoring those of color they haven’t been able to see how much people are shitting on gays and whites. Or maybe they don’t want to. Maybe it’s just too scary to accept that most of today’s claims of discrimination are fabricated either out of spite or to get ahead.

Yet people will go on looking for these missing people of color without being called the racists that they in a sense truly are, while no one would hesitate for a millisecond to call whites that if the headline said they were looking for missing whites.

Poor Mary. She just got her new Windows computer 4 months ago and already has a nasty virus that destroyed a lot of her stuff. I told her to go Mac and someone else agreed, saying they haven’t had any problems since. Windows is simply made differently than Apple products. Windows has so many security issues and loopholes that allow others to get at your computer and your stuff that Apple is pretty damn good about. Repair people will always bash Macs and say they’re just as susceptible to viruses because they know that the more people that go Mac won’t be coming back to them for service.

I hated it at first as I’m like most people who hate change. After getting used to doing things a certain way for so many years, I fought tooth and nail until my Google blog and Gmail email account were hacked and someone actually got into my computer to do God only knew what. Once you get used to it you will see it’s not that different than Windows. So you close things by clicking a red dot in the upper left corner instead of an x in the upper right corner. A part of me will always miss Windows as that’s all I ever knew for so long, but I love how they don’t need to do updates as often since there are fewer security breaches, can be left on all the time, boot-up time is so much quicker if you do need to restart after installing new software/hardware, and the OS upgrades are cheaper.

I love the new scanner! The software it came with is wonderful, too. Got a couple hundred or so pics scanned already, but have hundreds more to go. I started with the old pics, then my parents and the beautiful place they lived in while I was struggling in the slums. Andy’s been cracking me up with all the funny comments he left.

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 27, 2012
It’s weird how Mom, Dad, and Larry died almost on the same day of the months they died, the 22nd, 23rd and 24th. Just like 3 of us were born almost on the same days, 4th, 5th, 6th. Tammy and I will have to watch our backs on the 21st since the dates seem to be going backward.

Still getting backaches in my middle back, but not as much. I don’t think it has to do with the new mattress, though. This is a high-quality mattress and not the right kind of backache that normally comes with bad mattresses. The old mattress used to give me backaches in my very lower back. Besides, it’s been too long. This mattress is actually continuing to amaze me with just how comfortable it is. I just hate the hotness that the memory foam topper brings. At the same time, memory foam is so much more durable than regular foam.

Tom and I were discussing a problem we never thought we’d live to have, trying not to make too much money. He estimates that next year he’s going to make so damn much that he’ll fall into a particular tax bracket that could cause us to lose quite a bit of it. He explained to me that there’s this old, ancient setup that they never fixed where if you spill just over into the next tax bracket you could lose about a grand and it’s like you’re working for nothing at the very end of the year since it all has to go to taxes. So the way around it is to plow more money into the 401K. Our checks will be a little smaller that way, but not significantly. It’s better than losing it to schools we never had any kids attend, roads we’ll never drive on, hospitals we’ll never be in, welfare bums and other countries.

Upon reading back on the hell we went through for months trying to get into the Maricopa house with the way the well driller and so many others kept fucking things up and just all kinds of shit, CLEARLY something did NOT want us living there. I mean, it was just so, so obvious. The signs were there all along and it’s not like I’m only realizing this just now. I knew something up there didn’t want us leaving Phoenix or getting a nice house. It was like it WANTED us to stay with the welfare bums next door and all the chaos that was going on there, and it wanted us to live in old dumps. The Phoenix house wasn’t as dumpy as the house we rented in Oregon, though, and this trailer isn’t as dumpy as the Oregon house.

Just wondering if, in a whole different way, something’s going to be against us owning our own place again and determined to try to stop us and send all kinds of curveballs our way. The house won’t be nearly as nice, though, and its nearest neighbors are going to be a few feet away, not a few hundred.

Well, the God that has hated me since the day I was born can hate me all He wants along with whatever else is up there, and they all may feel this is all we deserve, but we don’t. And we WILL get out of here someday and we WILL live where we want and it will NOT be taken away from us until and if we decide to sell it.

Two friends of mine have complained of nightmares (Andy and Alison) and I’ve been experiencing the same thing. I seem to have nothing but very sad, scary and negative dreams.

Some German guy wanted to rape and kill me, but let me go unharmed when he realized I could speak some of his ugly language.

In another, I didn’t seem to know Tom and my parents were still alive. I took a clutch with me to a club. In the clutch was over a grand in cash meant for the month’s expenses. I placed it down on the counter where I ordered a drink, turned around for a second, and then discovered that the clutch was gone. I woke up in a panic, trying to decide if I should run to my parents for help or just kill myself.

In another dream, Tom and I rented a luxury apartment. We’d never rent an apartment, luxurious or not, but the apartment was so beautiful that I truly loved it. A couple of people who worked at the place were with me, offering to help unpack. I said no thanks, and that Tom could help once he got back from wherever he was. Then I said, “Hey, do you ever sell any of these units? If the neighbors can be civilized and not bang doors, cabinets, stomp, blast music and TVs and all the shit they usually do, I just may be interested in owning one of these places.”

They say we dream of our fears, and the stolen purse is actually kind of common for me. I mostly dream of poverty and being held places against my will.

It’s frustrating when trolls pick on the innocent, but it becomes funny when they pick on each other. I don’t think Molly is picking on Kim since Kim likes to hide, but she sure is picking on Molly, LOL. Kim first pretended to be others on Ask, including “Tia,” and then she was actually herself on MO – OMG! – trying to get Molly to buddy up with her. Same old whiny crap she’d give me – why are you deleting my comments? I’m trying to be nice to you.

So then Kim does go to MO after all. But does she only go to trackless pages there, or is she disabling cookies?

It’s Kim’s refusal to change and lack of concern for others that confirms in my mind that dumping her was the right thing to do. She was/is just too dishonest and too crazy. So much so that I honestly think she’s beyond change. Probably doesn’t even want to change. She is positively devoid of shame, guilt, remorse, empathy, compassion or self-respect. Obviously, she hates herself tremendously. Why else would she pretend to be someone else most of the time? And why else would she pay so much attention to those who don’t like her? Because that’s all she feels she deserves, obviously, or else she’d wipe the slate clean and start afresh by making new friends. Friends that are either just as fucked as she is or that don’t mind her lies, her bullshit, her delusions and her endless banter all about her favorite subject – herself and her dumb-ass stories that make little sense at all. No wonder so many of Kim’s own family members dumped her on Facebook like she once told me they did. They obviously were embarrassed to be associated with her once they realized they were being impersonated or some crazy shit like that.

Can people like Kim ever feel a sense of guilt? How about embarrassment for their behavior? Can they feel that? I don’t know what disgusts and sickens me more, women who get off on abuse, or those who get off on trying to befriend those who don’t want to even talk to them, let alone be friends with them.

Why are my nieces all, “RIP Uncle Larry?” I thought they hated the guy for the shit he supposedly said to their mother. And again, what’s with Sarah’s claim of never having an aunt and with Tammy saying their aunt Etta never cared about them? She seems rather concerned about them from what I can tell.

Later…

I can kind of understand why a woman may sometimes gravitate toward abusive men. But I don’t get one single bit why some people choose to follow those that dislike them. Why would anyone want to surround themselves with people who simply don’t give a shit about them? Kim said the dream I had about her that I shared (although made up) wasn’t funny – and I know it was her – so I just wonder why she tunes in every single day to a blog that isn’t “funny.”

I asked Tom if he thought the spirits of the dead, if they really do exist, could influence the living. Could my mother and brother bring harm my way? Could Anna bring good? He said he wouldn’t worry about my mother or brother doing anything bad, using serial killers as an example. If spirits could do bad things, he said, then the spirits of those they killed would lash out at them before they could get to 10, 11, or 12 killings.

He has a point there. Also, good spirits would have all their loved ones win the lottery or something like that. So I agree with him in that there could be subtle influences, but nothing major. I just hope that not too many negative “subtle influences” start occurring as things like that have a way of adding up.

Finally had some spotting earlier, so maybe I will get a period again after all. I figured I would eventually.

The new scanner and second air cleaner arrived today. I’m looking forward to scanning in tons of pics throughout the night. Gonna ultimately share them on FB and maybe I’ll throw some in my blogs or on Ask here and there as well. I doubt most people would find them very exciting. They’re mostly old family pics.

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 26, 2012
I’d just gotten up after working online all night and saw that I had a voice message from Tammy. My first thought was that if she were asking me to call her again, I would simply scream. Tech issues or not, I hate it when people try to get me to do things I’m just not into doing. But then I remembered that I did tell her to decorate my machine with all the VMs she wants since she’s not big on typing.

Anyway, she didn’t call to ask that I call her. Instead, she called to tell me Larry died last Saturday on the 22nd. He would have been 59 next month. I guess Norma called to break the news to Tammy who was a bit hurt that we weren’t mentioned in the obituary, but as I told her, that’s fine with me. I wouldn’t have mentioned him in mine, and siblings aren’t mentioned half the time anyway. It’s usually spouses, parents, kids and grandkids that are mentioned as opposed to siblings, cousins and that sort of thing.

Although I can think of a few instances where my brother really pissed the shit out of me to the point that yes, I did wish he would drop dead a few times, I have spent most of my life rather indifferent toward him or toward what he may have felt for me. I know he never really gave a shit about me. That was no secret. Larry didn’t care about most people. Being 12 years older and two very different people with two very different lives, we basically regarded each other as strangers. He had a good sense of humor but was otherwise a very selfish and insensitive person from what little I did see and know of him. He lived for weed and sex with young girls more than he seemed to live for anything else.

To say there was a curse on his children is an understatement! They lost Sarah a month before she was born when Sandy was in a car accident in 1982, and then his teenage son died when they were on the road together in 1997.

He wasn’t an abusive parent in the way our parents were but I often felt bad for Sandy and Jennifer. First he was always on the road when he was driving, then he made his wife and daughter seem like second best when his son died and then abandoned them altogether for Stefanie, a child-woman with God only knows what kind of daddy issues.

Although undoubtedly poisoned against me, I also feel bad for his wife (yeah, they did get hitched in the end) and newborn Jason. To be widowed at just 21 has got to be rough. And there I was thinking it a shame that the kid probably wouldn’t be out of college when his dad died. Now he won’t even be out of diapers. Instead, he is left with a mother that’s too young and who knows what problems he may’ve inherited from his dead father.

Loss is loss whether it’s assholes you’ve lost or not. Still, Anna’s passing hit me much harder than the others. I hope she will keep them away from us if their spirits could possibly bring any harm our way. I wonder if I’m next, but as Tom said, if we are, you can’t change destiny. We don’t think so, though, as we’re both healthy. My parents and Larry weren’t. Even Andy’s not worried and pointed out that I’m healthy. He talked to Judy too, who said to give her condolences.

If it’s true that we meet up with loved ones in the afterlife, Mom and Dad are going to be in for a real WTF? moment when they find their son has come to join them so soon after they died.

Tom says death happens in threes, though I’ve never heard that. I’ve heard that bad things happen in threes, but not death. It makes me wonder, though. Especially since I did lose 3 grandparents relatively close to each other. One died when I was 17 and the others when I was 19, just 6 months apart.

Anyway, and like I told Tammy, at least she doesn’t have to clean up after him, so to speak, and deal with his send-off. This one’s going in the ground, though, not to the toaster.

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 25, 2012
“Tia” returned the account to me since I got bored with her. Even Andy agreed it was this boring persona I’d taken on just for the trolls, which as usual, didn’t end up doing me any good. All it did was make them curious about Tia instead of causing them to lose interest altogether. Besides, I missed being able to be myself.

Tammy and Mark left a nice message wishing us a very merry Christmas and a happy New Year.

I hope Harry, my Italian dad, gets my letter by the end of the week like he should.

Tom set up the hotspot by hanging the antennae by a tree outside, and while it’s way faster, it still cuts in and out like crazy. Maybe someday we will get to have the things that so, so many people take for granted every single day of their lives.

He also replaced the washer on the tub’s hot water faucet which I’m sure will need replacing every other week while we’re still here.

The drain was starting to get a bit sluggish, but when I blasted it with the plunger it was fine.

It’s still hard to believe I can eat painlessly on both sides of my mouth. It is so nice, though! But as I’ve said before, I seem to trade problems rather than just solve them. So now that I’ve fixed my teeth I worry I’ll be in for something new. Fortunately, we’ll be insured this time around even though neither of us needs any new problems. Funny, though, how menopause or whatever it is set in not even a month after getting the new bridge, though that hardly counts as a “problem.”

The rats are so damn funny with the way they run up to me when I enter the living room. They run up to the top level, closest to where I am, in hopes of me petting them and giving them treats.

MONDAY, DECEMBER 24, 2012
I’m a bit worried about Tom right now because he’s been so damn rundown. We first attributed this to all the OT, and of course he’s still getting over a cold and all that, but he agrees he’s got to get tested at some point to see if his iron levels are off. He had other testing upon getting hired on permanently that went well, but I always worry about him anyway. I’ve seen enough unfairness in this world and countless times where evil is blessed while good is cursed. I just worry God will think he’s “too good” to remain healthy or that He’ll want to take His anger for me out on Tom. What better way to get at someone you don’t like than to take it out on their loved ones?

Once I got with Tom there was no looking back and I could never imagine life without him just as many parents say they can’t imagine life without their kids once they’ve had them. So, if he goes, I go, and I don’t care how many offers I may get from those who love me enough not to mind my sleep disorder/schedule and who would feel that my doing the cleaning and laundry would be enough of a payback for giving me food and shelter, along with my love and friendship.

But I am sure my if-he-goes-I-go decision would be over one’s head unless they have truly loved and been loved by someone unconditionally other than a parent or something like that, just like those who have been quick to tell me “Well, this happened to you because of blah, blah, blah…” or “That happened because of this or that,” as if they witnessed the experience through my eyes and lived it right along with me, actually had no idea what the hell they were even talking about. Or at least not all the facts anyway. Nonetheless, I’m Tom’s wife. I’m the one that’s lived with him for nearly 20 years now. So only I can truly understand the bond we have just like we’re the only ones who can know and understand what happened with the Phoenix freeloaders, what it’s really like to have my kind of sleep disorder/birth defect, and what it was like to be a ward of the state with parents like Art & Doe O. I can tell you about it and try to describe feelings and experiences, but just like I recently said as far as researching life in Pakistan goes for my book, research and hearsay can never truly make up for living and experiencing something firsthand.

As for me, I used to bitch I was 80% - 90% PMS and just 10% - 20% period, but now I’m 100% PMS and 0% period. My back aches, I have enough water to fill a swimming pool with, and I worry I’m going to gain an endless amount of weight no matter what I do. Tom gave me a back massage earlier but it’s aching again. I’ll pop an Aleve if it gets that annoying. At least I’ve only had one bad ear spell since my dental bridge was put in on my birthday.

Later…

Really getting sick of Tammy’s “call me!” obsession. Again I had to stress to her when she wanted me to call so she, Mark and the girls could talk to both of us, about why we needed to wait till we move. Besides, with a cell phone, we’d have to keep passing it back and forth. We’ll definitely all chat when we get out of here but even then, as I told her, don’t expect me to gab for an hour or two every few days.

She said she’s got a diary on my-diary, but again she failed to give me a link. When she’s done playing with me she’ll give it to me. Unless she’s using a different name, none of the Tammys I searched for there seem to be her. Gotta laugh at the thought of her giving up on MO. I guess it was just too over her head.

It’s too soon to say how long it will last, but the trolls really seem to think “Tia” is for real. I hate not being able to be myself and I hate having to watch what I ask Andy and how I answer him, but I want to do it a while longer till the trolls HOPEFULLY get sick of hanging around to see if I’ve returned.

I haven’t been into the role-playing thing, and pretending to be someone I’m not, no matter how ordinary and boring the truth may be, for many years now. I miss being able to really get into that sort of thing and a part of me wishes I could really get myself to actually believe I’m whoever I’m pretending to be and whoever I’m pretending to be with, wherever we may be, so long as I could snap back out of it the instant I wanted to.

Got a royalty payment from UK book sales but it doesn’t compare to the mad money Tom’s making with all the OT.

I know I’ve said this a million times already but I am sooo sick of living here and being well-to-do people living like they’re still poor. I can’t wait for the holidays to be done and over with so we can really get a move on trying to move. The plumbing problems, leaks, Internet and phone issues are driving me batshit crazy! The MagicJack phone is sitting here going to waste and I still don’t want to buy minutes for the cell, whether we could afford them or not, to tell people the same things I can tell them online. The cell is just for urgent things.

The shower’s leaking again and this time I worry it’s the hot water side. I don’t care about Jesse’s water, but I care about our propane. Like it or not we may have to get him down to fix things right after the New Year. I guess we were just meant to be the ones to have to deal with him replacing all this old shit so the next people in here can have an easier life.

Sugar is turning out to be the smallest rat we’ve ever had. Not sure why, but he seems healthy. I just went out to see if they wanted to go to the “massage parlor” but they’re sleeping. We have this new thing now where I place my hands in the cage and wiggle my fingers. They then come up and press themselves against my fingers for a massage. Of course Romeo still loves to nip and try to drag my hand across the cage by my finger, LOL.

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 23, 2012
I’m totally fucking with the troll’s heads on Ask right now, but so far it’s only Molly that’s responded to it and not Kim.

Andy posted a profile pic there of a sexy guy and all of a sudden he’s getting more questions. The truth is so boring that you gotta stretch the truth a little, he said, and I told him I considered doing that in my blog, but just couldn’t bring myself to deceive people like that.

That’s different, he said, and after thinking about it I realized he’s got a point. There is a difference between blogging and clowning around on Ask and so I let “Tia” go and “borrow” my account for a while, claiming that I was sick of all the glitches there. That much is damn true.

“Why do you post pics of other people?” Molly first asks. And “How could you have met without starting you own blog?” she also asked after I said I was a 26-year-old student with a BF from San Francisco (changed my profile pic too, to a random young black chick). I told her I was browsing the site and found Jodi’s blog, but hadn’t yet started one of my own due to being busy.

Then, sure enough, I get: This is Molly. Do you think Jodi misses me?

I played the dumb card to that one and said I didn’t know who she was since Jodi and I talk about things like writing and music and supernatural experiences as opposed to whom we know. LOL

It’s raining like crazy now. I slept all day, but Tom says it’s rained for most of the day.

Wish I had more to say, but I’m pretty up-to-date at the moment. It was a peaceful, laid-back weekend and it was nice to see Tom get caught up on much-needed sleep. He’s now mostly over his cold.

Couple more weeks and we can really step up the action as far as finding out if we can get out of here anytime soon, or if we already are where we’re meant to be. Well, I’m not plowing 5K - 10K into dressing up someone else’s place that they may decide to turn around and sell if they think we’ve added enough value to it. That much I do know!

My messages to Nane and Alison are appearing as read on Facebook, yet oddly enough I haven’t heard from them. I’m sure it’s just another glitch. No site seems to be able to do without them.

Maybe more than Molly did respond, the more I think about it and study the questions I was asked. Molly spelled my name as Jodi, but someone spelled it as jody. I’ve known Kim to spell it as jodi.

Aly playing games? I noticed one of my messages appeared to be read by her the other day and she said it must’ve been a glitch cuz it was her first time there all day.

Today I noticed that each of the 3 messages I sent her appeared as read shortly after I sent them, and then they switched to unread like she would read them as they came in and then mark them as unread. Damn, if I can’t trust Aly then whom can I trust?

Although… Nane’s messages are also appearing as read. Well, it’s unusual for her to check in on Sundays and not post something and send a quick message while she’s at it, so I don’t know what to think. I can’t look and see if Aly’s online because she says she remains hidden to avoid a friend who likes to chat, and of course Nane’s always hidden, too.

Still can’t help but wonder at times who’s kidding who.

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 22, 2012
Sarah posted a poorly written client rant, saying she was their hairstylist and not there to listen to anyone’s sex life. It’s almost scary how much she writes and sounds like her mother. Fortunately, though, neither niece seems to be interested in gabbing with me, so I don’t think either of them will become pests or anything like that, which is good since I still want to be friendly without being friends, so to speak. I don’t know about Becky, but I’m sure Sarah would join her mom in becoming a real online nightmare for me if the DQ and I ever became enemies again. I can totally picture her calling and letting Larry have it just like Tammy said she did, whether he deserved it or not.

Ask is having another wave of tech issues, but as frustrated as Andy and I are over it, we’re reluctant to move to Formspring. It’d be nice to throw some unwanted company off my scent, but Formspring really sucks shit. It’s totally NOT what it used to be.

Tammy said that dealing with our parents dying and having to run back and forth between Florida and Connecticut was the worst 10 months of her life. This inspired me to share my 3 worst experiences in life, though those of you who know me well should know what they are and what order they come in.

If you don’t know me well, you probably think jail ranks #1. Wrong. That’s actually the third-worst time of my life.

Well, then Valleyhead was the worst moment, right? Wrong again. VH is runner-up. It was even worse than jail because it was so damn structured. So as funny as I know it may sound, I had more freedom in jail than in that damn so-called private school, which the FBI FINALLY shut down.

The worst time of my life was when my husband and I were so sure that life would kill us if we didn’t take our lives first. In jail and VH, my sanity may’ve been on the line, but my survival wasn’t.

I still have a lot of anger – a LOT of anger – toward my own country/government for more than that huge scare and for stopping our benefits BEFORE Tom could find a job. To think that my own people could take care of others before taking care of their own makes me absolutely sick to my stomach. I tremble with rage at just how twisted and unfair life can be.

Jesus, just minutes after allowing for anonymous questions (I knew it was too early to do so), I get: What do you do if you want to talk to someone who doesn’t want to talk to you?

Kim obviously wants me to know it’s her, just not from an account I can block. Could’ve been Molly, though it’s obviously one or the other. I answered: I talk to someone who does.

Does it really take a genius to figure out that this would be the solution and the best way to handle that?

Absolutely NO more journal entries for Maliheh unless she asks for them. She obviously doesn’t want to keep in touch just like I’ve been suspecting and I don’t think she’s even reading them anymore. I don’t know if something else is going on in her life that’s caused her to crawl into such a shell or if it’s got to do with me, but unlike Kim and Molly, I’m smart enough to know that I can’t make people want to be more sociable.

Later…

I would love to sprinkle my online blog with blatant lies about Kim just to piss her off and really give her something worth reading, but since Aly reads it too, I won’t waste my time.

Forgot to mention the dreams I had last night. The “dream people” told me where we’re going. Well, they might have anyway. In the dream I asked Tom if we could “turn something into balloons” and he said, “Nah, cuz before you know it we’ll be out of here and over in Lincoln.”

Lincoln is close to where he works, and some guy at work suggested he look there, but locations don’t usually mean anything in the way of a possible dream premonition to be. I need to “see” things. Reasonable things like what I saw before our last two moves – chain-link fences, white picket fences, woods, etc. Not 4000-square-foot barns or 8-story houses.

The second dream was Nane telling me she was going to come visit me in a year and me starting a countdown in my blog. Now that will never happen, LOL.

Received some very flattering and encouraging feedback from my Pakistani friend, so maybe I will resume the story I was working on. I’ll wait till I’m home alone or Tom’s asleep. I work better that way. She has been kind enough to act as a consultant to the book since there’s only so much research one can do on a place they’ve never been to. Research can’t always replace having firsthand experience or consulting with someone who has.

Just when we were delighted not to be disconnected for an hour or two each morning and evening, they go and shut us down. So we switched over to the hotspot, and while it’s wonderfully fast, it’s just not reliable out here. Speed and reliability simply won’t come while we’re still here. I’d like to think the dream was a sign that we’re going to find a great deal on what we want real soon, but I still think we’ll be here for years. Since deciding that we refuse to settle for anything less than what we want, we’re just going to have to wait till we can get it.

We’re now waiting on a second air cleaner or scanner, though. For $125, we ordered both. I’m sure this scanner will be a far cry nicer than the one in our shed that we got in the 90s.

I’m just about a week late for my period now. Sometimes I still feel like I’m going to get it. A part of me wishes I would just to flush all this water off me, but I’d rather never get the damn thing again.

Readplease no longer exists, last.fm no longer allows unlimited song skipping. Yup, all good things really do come to an end.

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 21, 2012
Ended up sleeping forever. Had a dream (or was I partially awake?) that my Italian mom told me my weight was down. It was. Then I looked up my Italian dad’s address, now that I’m spelling the name right, and found the same address they’ve been at since I’ve known them. I’m going to be sending a letter to him soon giving my condolences and all that. Still feel so bad for not keeping in touch and not getting to say goodbye to Mom. I just can’t believe that I, someone who is usually good with spelling, spelled their name wrong all these years, but so glad I studied Italian in 2009 so I could finally realize my mistake!

I posted a 1996 entry last night about calling Mom and how she said she had a cold, started half a letter to me that she was going to send along with pictures, and that she expected me to stop by if I was to be in the area. But I never did get that second letter or any pictures. I don’t know what happened, but I eventually stopped calling and writing and they faded into the back of my mind. Still loved, still remembered, but not kept in touch with.

Andy was very touched by Mom’s letter in 1996. It was definitely one of the nicest letters I ever got.

Woke up to find that Sarah sent me a friend request and then I sent one to Becky, Jennifer and Sandy. Becky accepted me, but I don’t expect to be accepted by the others. Sandy might feel awkward about that, and my lovely brother has probably poisoned Jennifer’s mind against me.

How funny life is at times with the way the exact opposite of what we plan or expect to happen can happen. I figured I’d drift from the rest of my family after my parents died. Instead, I am closer to them than ever.

I said I’d discuss the pictures Tammy sent in more detail once I scanned them, and I will, but I will say that looking at the pics of my mother with her mother is so deceptive. Just looking at their smiles and all that can really fool one into believing they were happy, kind individuals, instead of the lying, abusive control freaks that they were.

It was the picture of a birthday cake for their bird that really pissed me off. So that’s how they were spending their money that their daughter and son-in-law could’ve probably used at the time, huh? I’d have loved to have slammed their heads in the cake if I were there! Yeah, happy fucking birthday, little birdie.

I warned Tammy, who started a journal on MO, about Molly, but since Tammy isn’t friends with Aly, she should be ok. Typical Tammy, though, LOL. She offered to harass her if she was harassing me cuz she loves me. I told her that’s ok, she’s been behaving lately. Just playing peekaboo at times along with Kim, who’s way worse than Molly can be. Besides, I don’t want to do anything that would make us look just as bad.

Glad I wasn’t asleep when some insanely loud light green truck was slowly moving back and forth up and down the steep part of Jesse’s drive for a few minutes, probably to level the ruts caused by the rain. What is it with him and every single one of his vehicles having to be so damn loud except for the truck he totaled? I could hear it loud and clear in the shower that I thought he drove down here till I got out and saw the truck up there.

Fortunately for Tom, he has the whole weekend off, but he will have to work next Saturday. He’ll have Tuesday off, of course.

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 20, 2012
Had so much to do yesterday that I didn’t get a chance to write about all I wanted to write about.

Forgot to mention that Tammy also sent a couple of mugs we had made up at a mall back in the 90s with our pictures on them. We had sent them one year for Chanukah. Also, a Navy patch from when Dad was in the Navy. As for the pictures, I’d rather wait till they’re all scanned in before I get into describing those in more detail.

How right my sister was in saying we don’t have much in common but then again we do. Yeah, we have nothing and everything in common for damn sure.

I feel bad for her because she is struggling with her emotions right now and is on medication to help her nerves. Damn. Medication. Except for a round of antibiotics for my tooth a couple of years ago, and some over-the-counter stuff for allergies, I haven’t been on medication since the 90s. Regardless, she is so very hurt by many things. As for myself, I was more pissed than hurt, but I feel more at peace now that my parents are gone. There will always be some underlying anger when I remember them and the hell they caused me. As I’ve said many times, some things are just too big to forgive. I could never forgive my parents, the people who sought legal vengeance upon me in Arizona, Tammy’s ex for helping to ensure that it happened even if it was indirectly, or God for allowing it all to happen. I respect the fact that Becky and Sarah love him as he is their father, and while I can never see myself visiting New England – if by some miracle I ever do and I see that cock – I will simply squash it.

“I’m dying of cancer…” yeah, right! And I woke up to find myself a foot taller! But him faking a disease or the severity of it is nothing compared to helping to pave the way for the destruction of my life for nearly 3 years before the truth came out and I was vindicated.

I didn’t shed a single tear when I looked at my parents’ photos, though I felt a sting when I looked at Pa, Mom’s dad. He was a great guy. I wonder just how far back the cycle of abuse goes. I knew and saw enough of Nana to see where she’d have been a shitty mother to my own mother. She was big and stern-looking and I can see where her temper would’ve scared the shit right out of my mom. That’s no excuse to carry it on as two wrongs don’t make a right, and an adult should know right from wrong. Or maybe she did and she just never cared. People know smoking and speeding are wrong yet they do it anyway. It’s like with Kim, someone I quit trying to figure out as far as how she thinks or reasons, even though there aren’t many possibilities with her. She lacks empathy and compassion. Therefore, she either doesn’t realize that contacting those who don’t want to be contacted by her is wrong, or she simply doesn’t care about that or what consequences could befall her for it. The latter of the two is most likely the case since she would run and deactivate fake celebrity accounts as soon as she was confronted. That right there showed that she must’ve known that what she was doing was wrong. Why else would she dump the accounts and act guilty as hell?

Back to Tammy. I was surprised yet pleased to hear I’m just as important to her as her girls. Other than her husband and kids, I’m pretty much all that’s left on her side of the family save for some cousins.

I joked with her about how funny it would be to resurrect Nana and our folks just so we could laugh at knowing they were A, homeless, B, clotheless, C, insuranceless, D, foodless, E, moneyless, and F, without a soul to get even my rats’ asses about it.

Now for the good news. The condo finally sold and it wasn’t in foreclosure after all. I might even get something that will hopefully help with the move, but I won’t hold my breath. I’ve falsely gotten my hopes up for money enough times in my life. If I don’t get anything, we’ll still carry on with our plans. It just may take a little longer. Not much we can do till after these fucking holidays anyway. Really wish Christmas were once every 5 years instead of every year!

Later…

When it comes to the people I write about in my blog, I praise the good and bash the bad. But it’s important I let folks know that it’s not done with the intent of offending anyone. I am simply stating my thoughts, feelings, opinions, beliefs and personal experiences. That’s all. At least I don’t use last names. That’s where I definitely draw the line.

Tammy apologized for letting Mom pin her against me and feels bad for it. That’s ok, LOL, I had ill feelings toward her too for a while. But that is so, so Dureen. She would do something like that and I’m sure the number of people she bashed me to was countless. I don’t know why a mother would do that to any child of hers, but I do know that no matter what she or others may’ve said and continue to say, she never truly loved me. The things she did to me were not love. Anything she ever did do for me was done out of a sense of duty and not love.

Still no sign of my period. Even my chest doesn’t have the usual soreness I often get in advance. I could have Amenorrhea, so I just read, but as long as I don’t get the “serious lower back pain” or bone loss it can cause, it can’t hurt me. I wonder if it could be because I’m kind of athletic, although I don’t under-eat and over-exercise. I overeat and exercise an average amount. I eat about 1500 calories on most days and work out about 40 minutes a day. Could afford to lose 30-40 pounds, but since I usually eat more on weekends, I probably never will.

All this death surrounding me is a bit creepy, though, regardless of how much of it my anger may’ve influenced. I wonder if I’m next, but if it’s me influencing any of it, then I should be fine because we usually don’t get angry with ourselves in the way that we can get angry with others, and it’s usually my anger towards a particular person that triggers the negative effects against them. But I wasn’t angry with my rats and my parents were old and ill. So other than Larry, I don’t get this bizarre trend going on. I’m not even mad at Larry anymore. I’m indifferent toward him. I don’t care if he lives or dies, though the statistics for liver cancer do seem pretty grim. If he really truly does have liver cancer, and I can’t see him lying about that any more than I see how that could be misdiagnosed, he should be gone within a year. Liver cancer isn’t usually detected till it’s pretty advanced.

Odd or not, there have been numerous “coincidences” with people getting ill who have somehow crossed me. I was furious with Larry when I first learned he fathered a child and not because he is too old and his mistress too young. In my family, the grandkids tend to inherit as well, and before I knew that my parents’ “wealth” was just an act, however comfortable they may’ve been through most of their lives, I didn’t want this bimbo and the child that shouldn’t have been created to profit in any way. Well, not unless they were given something I didn’t need or want anyway. Yet these days, even though he’s mostly what I’d describe as a jerk with a decent sense of humor, I couldn’t care less if he lived or died. But do I think I unknowingly and unintentionally influenced his disease with my anger? Hmm… it’s possible. Again, the more this happens, the harder it is to write it off as a coincidence. My husband doesn’t think it’s a coincidence.

In fact, the book I’m reading is rather chilling. It’s about people like me. I realize most people who read it would think it was a work of pure fiction, and so would I if I hadn’t experienced mood influencing myself, but I was like, OMG, they’re almost talking about me! It happened just yesterday when the thought of having a cold pissed me off. I had too much to do! Well, it took me 5 hours, but my determination not to be sick eventually willed my body into rejecting the cold.

Anyway, the book was about an influencer much more dangerous than I could ever be. I’ve never levitated and hurled 200-pound bodies at 100 MPH into walls. In the story, there is a little boy who was severely abused. Murders with a supernatural appearance to them were occurring like crazy and this detective who knew the boy was somehow connected, went to a priest about him. The priest knew the boy and his family before they died in a fire. The priest then insisted that there was no ghost or possession taking place and that it was all stemming from the boy’s intense rage.

I’ve probably had this thing most of my life but it has picked up with intensity with time. So your best bet? Don’t piss me off. I mean really, REALLY pisses me off. :)

Later…

I meant the early 2000s. I said in a previous post I hadn’t been on any prescription medication since the 90s, but I meant the early 2000s. That was the last time I was on prescription inhalers and snot spray.

Really wish Kim would stop contacting Andy on Ask. “hooray for fast computers. any big weekend plans for you?” may be a harmless thing to say, but that’s not the point. The point is that I asked her to leave both me AND my friends alone. The dumbfuck just doesn’t get that you can’t just insert yourself into a group of friends and force yourself into their lives. She’s NOT our friend and we’re NOT her friends. Do I really have to have her local police go to her house and explain this to her? I’d rather not have to resort to that, so I really wish she would just bow out of where she’s not wanted before she ends up wishing she listened to me a long time ago. I’ve got nearly 20 years on her. Shouldn’t she go play with those in her own age group?

In the midst of all this death and other sad/scary thoughts, Tom gave me a scare yesterday but only for about 10 minutes. I started getting nervous when I realized he was late getting home. This was because there was a gas leak. They evacuated people and he was going to wait to get his lunch bag and things like that till he decided it wasn’t worth it.

“So your building could’ve blown up like in Springfield?!” I said.

Not in a warehouse, he told me. Guess there’s no place for the gas to collect there.

They wanted him to stay another two hours today, even with the horrible cold he has, but he put his foot down and said no! 10 hours a day is enough! Especially when it’s 5 days a week PLUS 8 hours on Saturday. He may not have to work this Saturday, though, and will be getting another big bonus this week.

We were laughing earlier at how we’ve been waiting on this and waiting on that and NONE of it is because of money. For the first time, it’s all because of a lack of time. Poor guy now has the cough from hell, though.

We talked about it and thought about it some more and we’re actually skeptical about me possibly influencing Larry’s disease. Making one sick by being angry with them is one thing, killing them is another. I have never killed anyone that I know of just by harboring any rage toward them.

I’m just glad, for the first time ever, that I was never close to my parents or brother because I’d be totally losing it by now.

Christine suggested I’m going through perimenopause. It’s an intermittent thing within those in my age group. I just didn’t think I’d skip periods or that they’d be an on-or-off thing like what might be the case with me. I thought you kept getting periods but they got lighter and lighter till they stopped.

My Italian mom’s been in the ground for two months now and would’ve turned 82 yesterday. It’s still so sad to think she’s gone forever. Reading the letter she sent me in 1996 brought a fresh round of tears to my eyes.

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 19, 2012
Sure enough, really early this morning, the troll looked in on me from Harlingen.

Oh my, do I have lots to update on! First, just to get the trivial things out of the way – this is day 4 of being late for my period. I’m beginning to break records! If I were just a little younger and had a husband who could perform normally in bed I’d be getting nervous. By the weekend I’d be shitting bricks. Then again, I wouldn’t be dumb enough not to use protection if I knew I didn’t want kids. I’d like to think menopause is setting in, but this young and this abruptly? I don’t think so.

Got a cold setting in instead. Yeah, the “influencer” can no longer stop her colds, but she can kill people. Not sure I’d exactly classify this one as “trivial,” though, and I don’t know the details or if what Tammy and Mark were told was bullshit or not, but Larry supposedly has liver cancer and looked and acted ill when they last saw each other down in Florida. As most of those that know me know, especially my husband who has witnessed it, bad things tend to befall those that really piss the shit out of me. I seem to be like Drew Barrymore, only I’m the fire starter without the fire. I have little control over it. I never cared for my brother other than his sense of humor, but if it’s true that he’s dying, then wow. Just wow. My dad died in February. Our beloved rat died in April. My mother died in September. My beloved foster mother died in October. My sister’s been sick as hell. Another rat of ours died last month and now my brother may be getting ready to check out of Hotel Earth. This is getting a bit scary.

So is the prospect of Larry’s spirit being a negative influence against me along with our mother’s. I hope my “heart” mom will protect me from them. Just like I figured that if God can bless, He can curse, well, if some spirits can influence us in positive ways (if we were close to them), why not bad ways, too (if they were assholes)?

I will get into Tammy’s package in the next post, but first, we exchanged messages this morning and FB is REALLY pissing the shit out of me. The people running it need to watch THEIR livers, LOL. I could message Becky, but not Sarah. She straightens her hair, which is something I’d like to do without using damaging things like straightening irons. Well, I’d like to know what she uses to do it with.

Had to explain to her yet AGAIN, thanks to some of my messages not going through, that I can’t just take an hour or two to call her every few days or so, and I wouldn’t even if I didn’t have such tech issues to deal with out here in the boonies. Too busy, and well, I’m just not a phone person, though I told her to feel free to leave me as many voice messages as she’d like since she isn’t big on typing. Retrieving messages isn’t the issue; it’s calling out that’s the problem.

The more we exchange messages, the more I see she really has changed a lot as well as hasn’t changed much. She still harbors a lot of hurt and anger and vengeful ways. But she has grown at the same time a lot of her old self shines through. As long as we’re never neighbors we should be ok. Also, even if she did get pissed at me and seek revenge by calling my local pigs with some tall tale on me, it won’t do her any good in the end when they run their routine checks just to discover there’s no warrant on me. The odds of that happening again would be next to none if I lived another 10,000 years. That was a fluky experience for damn sure. One that could only be set up and carried out by a vengeful God who used Tammy and Bill as an instrument to flush me out to the pigs and welfare bums, and again, If God can love, He can hate. He has hated me most of my life.

Tammy wanted to vent about the usual 3 people – Lisa, Larry and Mom. I guess they weren’t very nice to her when she was in Florida. Lisa spent most of the time at the beach while she paid for her food and cigarettes, mom acted like she was never there, and Larry said some mean, hurtful things to her that Sarah called and really laid into him for it. The poor girl’s taking something for the anxiety, something I warned her to be careful with, knowing firsthand how easy it can be to get hooked on the things.

I’ve seen hideous pics of her kids as well as decent ones, but I’m certainly not going to say that in public, LOL. She sent tons of pics, and a few were of her kids. I’ll cover that in the next entry.

Later…

Ok, now that I’m feeling a little better and think I just might’ve influenced the cold away, after all, I can finally cover the wonderful goodies my sister sent! Most of it, as promised, was some stuff she thought I might want to have from our parents’ condo after they died.

The package mostly contained old photos of my mom’s parents and some I had sent our parents over the years. It’s kind of nice to have them back. When I first refused to talk to my parents for the 10 years that I refused to talk to them, I dumped every single one of their pictures. Well, most of them I actually mailed to Tammy. So for many years, I had no pictures of them except for the few they sent me in their last few years of life. Despite how much I came to despise them for their abuse, it was really neat seeing old pictures, some of which I remembered actually seeing at one point or another in my life. There was even a news clipping I was in as a kid.

We are going to get a new scanner and eventually, I will scan the pics in and post them online. I want to ask my sister about some of them anyway because I know she’ll remember more about them since she’s older. This would be the easiest way to do that rather than trying to describe them by phone. I know who most of the people are in the pics, but some I don’t. Most of the pics are old and of bad quality, so I can’t see them very well with my shitty eyes. I will look at them again later with a magnifier. Andy’s going to get a kick out of one pic in particular, hahaha.

It’s also nice to have pics of Charlotte, even if they’re kind of old. I always loved Char. There were group pics of some of the old beach buddies. Leave it to Bea G to be giving the finger in one of them, LOL.

A couple of years ago I won a gift card to an online flower shop and sent my mom the Mother’s Day present she didn’t deserve – flowers in a gorgeous purplish-mirrored vase. Tammy was nice enough to send me the vase, along with a cute bamboo/panda vase. I love bamboo, so I’ll stick one of our smaller ones in it eventually.

She sent a couple of beautiful decorative large dishes with pink, purple and blue flowers and a decorative throw pillow cover.

There were some papers pertaining to Dad’s days as the president of the Mended Hearts organization, a group he founded for those who had open-heart surgery like he had.

Lastly, she enclosed a beautiful, glittery birthday card with cash and IHOP GCs.

I’m sure there’s more that I’m forgetting, but all of it was super appreciated. I never expected to get another package again in my life unless it was something we ordered, LOL.

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 18, 2012
I dumped the “Justin” account because I realized that by keeping that up I was being just as bad as Kim by pretending to be someone I’m not. Plus, Aly seems to follow me regularly and the last thing I wanted was to feel like I was deceiving her. She asked if I was behind it and I had to lie and say no because she’s shown she doesn’t always keep my secrets like I thought she did. I don’t think she’s been in touch with Kim for quite a while, but still. I have to be careful with her at least somewhat, and well, the thought of admitting it was me was a bit embarrassing.

Due to Mary joining MyOpera, though she hasn’t done any actual blogging yet, I was quick to warn her about Molly, who not surprisingly, linked to her profile through a comment she left on my own blog. Mary said she doesn’t communicate with many people anyway due to trust issues, so that’s good.

Molly wrote in her blog that she’s waiting to go to the airport (from Austin to southern TX?) and will be home for two weeks. Then she returns to the group home on 12/30, but classes don’t start till 1/7. sighs So I can expect several views a day from her for the next 3 weeks and maybe some comments and questions, too. I am NOT tweaking my settings again! Not for her or anyone else. All I’ll do is hide my friends on Facebook. It goes to show, though, that she hasn’t and never will change. Give it a computer and free time and all it does is play peekaboo. She spent an hour on my blog yesterday.

I couldn’t resist playing with her, though, childish or not. She wished me a great Christmas on Ask as if we were old buddies, and I would reply, then delete. Fucking Ask, though, for not allowing blocked accounts to actually be blocked! I checked and I do have her blocked yet the “question” still went through. She’d have come at me anonymously if she had to, but it’s still frustrating when sites don’t work properly, and of course if I complain to them, they’ll just ignore it. Anyway, once you reply to a non-anonymous question, they get a notice saying you replied. The question also gets sent back to your inbox. So after I would answer and delete the question several times, she would’ve gotten about 5 notices. That’ll no doubt confuse her since she only asked me 1 question.

Someone, that must know at least a little about me, has been asking questions about the rats, what color my nail polish is and questions like that. I always wonder if it’s Kim, but as long as it’s not as obvious as if she were signing her name, I will answer them. I hate to possibly make her think that answering them it makes us buddies in her sick twisted mind, though, cuz she’s the type who would feel and believe we were interacting in such a manner as if I knew it was her.

She must be able to think and figure somewhat since she refuses to contact me out of anonymity. Thank God for this too, because as soon as she throws anonymity to the wind, she could become a real nightmare.

Spent the morning working out and doing some work around here. Unfortunately, Tom has a cold now. I don’t know if it’s something he caught from someone at work or if he’s just overworked, but it is that time of year for that sort of thing.

Tom found that they have countertop dishwashers for around $250, and thought it would be nice to have one. I’d rather just get the fuck out of here and into a nicer, bigger place with one that’s already built-in or that we could install right away. But that’s just not going to happen. No matter how much OT he works and money we save, we’re obviously not meant to move and so we’re not going to do so for many years to come.

But does that mean I want to get a dishwasher and cram it into an already cramped little dive? Hmm… I’m not so sure about that. I’d rather have a full-size washer/dryer but there’s no way in hell we could ever get that in here. I don’t know what I want to do yet, but I do know I agree with him about plowing money into fixing up and expanding someone else’s place. If we did that and Jesse decided to sell out, we’d be fucked out of all our hard work and money. Still, I don’t want to waste time with what isn’t meant to be. This is where we were meant to be, this is our home, and this is where we very well may be meant to stay until Tom retires. So I will only make improvements and adjustments that wouldn’t be of any loss to us if Jesse did decide to either sell out or kick us out cuz some relative who just got a divorce or lost their house in a fire may need a place to live.

Later…

After getting a slew of questions I suspected might be from Kim, mostly asking about the rats, nails, Andy and my weather, I anonymously got: plz don’t post this but it is kim asking you most stuff on here today. don’t encourage her. she thinks you 2 can be friends again. I know Kim and she really misses you she tells me this over and over again.

How the hell can you “really miss” someone you obviously hated all along and still do? Or maybe she once did, feels sorry, and now she just loves me. I don’t know why my friendship is so important to her when she’s got other friends (till she loses them, too) and can make new ones as well. If she could just stop with the lies and impersonations and be herself and herself only, she may be able to make friends that she can actually keep. Meanwhile, and just to set the record straight even though I’ve already done so, I will NEVER be Kim’s friend ever again. There is ZERO chance or hope of our so-called friendship ever being salvaged. It was over half a year ago. Get over it already, I say. If she still can’t get over it that’s her problem because we’ll never ever, under any circumstances, be friends again. If I was dirt poor and she offered to pay me to be her friend, she still couldn’t win me back.

Wish she would turn gorgeous! Then she wouldn’t want a damn thing to do with me after all I’ve had to say about her. Anyone that knows me knows that the crazier and or uglier one is, the more they latch onto me as if I were just as fucked and ugly. It’s just how my shit luck usually goes. As for us ever being buddies again, though? That’s the Kimpossible dream! But she’s welcome to come to my home anytime. That way I could fix things enough to make her a permanently closed chapter of my life not just for me, but for her as well. She’d never have to “miss” me again.

There’s more. Aly had a dream about her she said I could share, but I’m calling her Carla. Well, “Carla” and I were visiting someone who was dark-haired and worked at a daycare where Kim happened to be. Kim was dressed like a little boy with a long Donald Duck jersey, grubby jeans and a backward hat. We entered a room and noticed her talking to a distorted-looking stuffed animal.

We glanced at each other as soon as we realized it was Kim, but it was too late. Before we could leave the room, she spotted us, threw down the stuffed animal, and ran toward us, spit dribbling down her chin.

Carla said that in the dream I had a beautiful silvery-gray and ivory rat with me that Kim saw in my pocket and grabbed before I could stop her. She started singing, “My rat, my rat, look everybody at my rat. It’s not Jodi’s rat, it’s my rat!”

One of us whispered to the other that she was obviously a fruitcake and gently told her that Snowbelle was my rat but that she could continue to pet her as long as she was nice. Kim started laughing and waddled off with the rat who then bit her on the nose and flew out of Kim’s arms and into my hands. Carla said she woke up then, laughing and saying something like “Hooray for flying rats!”

MONDAY, DECEMBER 17, 2012
Loving and hating this rainy weather we’re having! It’s a nice change for variety’s sake, and it keeps Jesse off the Harley and people away from the chainsaws. But I still hate being cold even if it’s better for sleeping and running. Yet that’s how it is half of the year here. It’s either hot and dry or it’s cold and wet.

My sister said it was ok to write about her and her family, so… I’m looking forward to being spoiled all over again with whatever goodies she’s sending tomorrow.

I was surprised she had no idea who Anna and Harry were. Then again, she was in Texas when I was 16. As she said in the comment section, she’d have come for me if she’d known what was going on and wasn’t so fucked up herself from our wonderful mother. Although she feels bad, it wasn’t her fault. She was a victim too, so there really wasn’t anything she could do.

I had to laugh when picturing her, Mark, Becky and Sarah laughing and dancing around the kitchen with Dad’s urn while cooking potato latkes like she said, hahaha. Hey, don’t drop the guy, Mark! He needs to stand guard with a nail-studded bat should his wife try to come and haunt us.

I feel much better today, though I am still saddened over the loss of Anna and my chance to tell her one last time how much I loved her for caring about me the way she did when no one else would. Tammy agreed that any woman who would love me when my own parents wouldn’t had to be wonderful. Well, let’s just say that should my bio mom and my “heart” mom be waiting for me at the Tunnel of Light when I die, it’s my heart mom’s hand I will be taking.

I’m also still wondering just what the hell was up with my sudden thoughts and memories of her a couple of days ago and my need to find her. Was it just a coincidence? My psychic side sensing something was up? Or was it really Anna herself come to say goodbye from the other side? Had she died 5 years ago I’d have been more likely to think it was a coincidence, but when I learned she died two months ago, I didn’t know what to think.

So why am I two days late for my period? No, I can’t be knocked up. Fortunately, I’m too old. I hope this is a sign of menopause setting in, but I doubt it. I’m not that old yet.

Later…

I need to start keeping better notes, as sometimes not even I can understand my own notes. It took me a minute to realize that “blank” was “blanket,” but yeah, that’s one of the things I got at Target yesterday.

The blanket is so much softer than our plain cream-colored blanket and has a rose print with a pink satiny ruffle for trim. It’s a little heavier than I realized. It’s like two blankets in one, and I’m both glad and not so glad I got it. Heavier blankets and comforters aren’t good for beds with memory foam toppers, but it’s pretty and the other comforters are old. One of them is a hideous dark green plaid design my parents sent me. I’ll definitely need something lighter in the summer, though.

I got my lifelike baby doll a pack of onesies in pale pink, pink, purple, orange and green. It makes her look even more realistic because it covers both her shoulder joints and her old faded diaper.

I got a pair of rainbow panties with a zebra print, a headband with pink gems, glitter polish with pink hearts, beeswax lip balm, 6 Champion C9 girls’ large sports bras in assorted colors, and a goldish-colored cross-body purse. It’s great no longer having to carry handbags and to be hands-free when out and about. Now I just have to get the proper glasses so I can see where I’m going.

Curious about their new grocery section we checked it out and I found the biggest green grapes I’ve ever seen in my life. I also got some seafood goodies – bacon-wrapped scallops and crab cakes. Nothing I buy on a regular basis, so it was a real treat.

Got some fruity teas at another store and find the cherry and blueberry to be too tart. The peach is great, though. Haven’t tried the mixed berries or blackberry yet.

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 16, 2012
My real mom who wasn’t my real mom. That’s how I would describe Anna Lucia B, now that I know how to spell the damn name right, including her maiden name. I am so, so very heartbroken to learn of my beloved Italian foster mommy’s death exactly two months ago yesterday. She was the mother I never had and I could really kick myself for not staying in touch after leaving Phoenix. I thought about her on and off throughout the years and she always remained dear to me in my heart. The fond memories I have is something I will always cherish. But now it’s too late to say goodbye and I am so, so saddened. Funny how I have cried buckets of tears for this woman while I never shed a tear when I lost my bio mom the previous month.

I’m really glad the year is almost over for there’s been an awful lot of death this year, even if some of those that died won’t be missed. I’m just sorry I couldn’t hug the woman who should’ve been my mom one last time and that I never got to say goodbye.

But maybe she said goodbye to me. Yeah, that’s where it gets weird. I don’t know for sure what happened but something happened that has me not 100% convinced of the afterlife, but that makes me suspect a little more that there really may be one.

Let me back up first and say that as an adult who is much smarter than she was at 16, I can see where some might’ve been deceived by my real parents, who just had to put on a show about just about everything. Including the fact that someone (my high school music teacher? He was the only one I confided in back then and one of the few guys I was totally hot for) reported them for abuse and caused them to lose custody of me. Just wanted to set the record straight before I move on. Knowing my parents, they would’ve covered something like that up big time. If they would want to cover up their finances, they would certainly want to cover up that. Image was everything to them. But no, as much as they loved to ship me off to various places, they didn’t give me up because they thought it would “make things better,” or because they thought it would “do me some good.” They lost me because they couldn’t be decent parents to me. And no, I didn’t see them for a year not because they thought it would be best to “let me get settled first.” It was because they weren’t allowed to see me. Being the naïve kid that I was at the time, though, I bought all their lies, stories and excuses.

Anna, who was also called just Anne, and her husband of what was then 20 years (Harry) owned a group home for physically and mentally challenged adults. They owned 7 large houses in Springfield and a modest home of their own in West Springfield. I lived in the main house which they would occasionally spend nights at, and sometimes I was taken to stay with them in their regular home as well. I was the only minor living there and the only foster child they ever had. Why them, I do not know. I was pretty fucked in the head at the time and I still had suicidal tendencies despite how much happier I was with them. Hey, you can’t fix this kind of stuff overnight and undo the damage caused by years of abuse in just a matter of weeks or even months. So I was probably hard to place and that’s why Anna and Harry were kind enough to take me.

The minute I stepped foot into the place and was greeted with a loving smile by the slightly plump fifty-something woman of average height and short dark hair and eyes, I felt right at home. Harry, who was always an easy-going teddy bear in my eyes, contrasted in looks with his light eyes and gray hair.

They loved me unconditionally and accepted me as a whole. They never tried to put any kind of restrictive chains on me that made me feel imprisoned in any way. At Valleyhead if you so much as dared step outside for a breath of fresh air, that was automatic restriction.

With the passage of so much time, I remember only bits and pieces of my much too brief time with the Italian couple that truly loved me. It was 30 years ago, after all. I know they tried to gain custody of me, and that it was even a done deal at one point because I specifically remember being all excited and saying to Anna, “You mean I get to stay with you till I’m 18?” Anna grinned ear to ear and nodded her head happily.

I used to love to help serve dinner to the 50 or 60 people who came to the main house each night. Made me feel oh so grown up, LOL. Then I would eat with them and a few other relatives of theirs in the big kitchen in back, sharing occasional scraps with Max, the large German shepherd that was their guard dog, after Anna’s mother Kate, who had started the business, was maced and robbed one day, not long before she died.

Days were spent helping out around the house, nights were spent relaxing to music in my room above “Mom and Dad’s” on the third floor. It was late spring, so the weather was gorgeous. I would be invited to mom and dad’s regular home for swimming and barbecues every so often as well.

And then one day it all came to an end like a car screeching to a halt and I have no idea why. I can only guess my parents got in the way. Or maybe it was my own stupidity since I was still cutting myself, and then one night I called them from the office phone, something I wasn’t supposed to do.

Next thing I know I’m in the state psych ward for a week of hell where old ladies loved to beat me over the head in the bathroom with their handbags, and younger ones liked to sit in bed in their cubicles and masturbate, while the staff was just as crazy as the patients. I wished all they liked to do was weave baskets and sit and smile and twiddle their thumbs and toes like Napoleon’s song says.

After a week of surviving that jungle, it was off to a black woman and her highly scary friend where I wouldn’t be fed very much or very often. I left there a month or two later at just 85 pounds, bound for two years of hell at Valleyhead. I suffered severe depression there and even tried to take my life.

I saw Anna and Harry a few more times both as a kid and as an adult, then we exchanged a few calls and letters from Arizona. I was around 30 when we were last in touch. Like I said, I don’t know why we didn’t keep in touch. Maybe I felt they were too busy or just not into it or something, though I know they truly loved me and that I was like the daughter they never had. Anna once said she’d have had 6 kids had she not needed a hysterectomy after her one child, a son, was born. They loved me as one of their own, but they never tried to replace my real parents. They even hoped things would get better between my real parents and me.

I wonder if they’d be impressed with all the Italian I’ve learned, LOL. I don’t think they spoke it. At least I don’t remember them speaking it, though Anna sure was proud to be Italian.

It was about a week or two ago when she popped into mind and the urge to contact them before it was too late came over me. I never stopped thinking of them from time to time, but now I wanted to make contact. Too many years had gone by as it was. But it was like they fell off the face of the earth and never existed. I couldn’t find the business or any phone numbers or obituaries or anything. I even checked listings and obits in Florida knowing that many New Englanders retire there, though it never struck me as anything she would do.

I thought she would now be about 85 and that Harry would be a bit older and that they could very well be gone or not have much time to go if I didn’t hurry up and find them. As silly as it may sound, at 47 years of age I wished I could run to my Italian foster mom for one last hug. Everybody loved her. She was a hard-working, caring, compassionate soul who didn’t take any shit from anyone but who wasn’t the negative, domineering control freak my bio mom was either. For some reason, my sister was the only one who ever expressed any ill feelings for her and Harry. I assume it had to do with them wanting custody of me. It’s ok, whatever it is, but I’ll have to ask her sometime just out of curiosity.

Unable to find them, I let it go until yesterday, which was when things got slightly strange. Like I said, I don’t know what, if anything, really happened, but it kind of made me wonder. Anna came storming into my mind like a gush of wind from a hurricane and she would just not leave it. Random memories of the few months we spent together paraded through my mind like movie clips and I suddenly burst into tears, missing the hell out of her. She, Harry, their long-dead dog Max, and myself, were running through a field in some of the images that played through my mind. It was a beautiful, warm summer day and I ran ahead of them, giggling like a kid again without a care in the world. Max chased me playfully and then we would stop and let Mom and Dad catch up to us before we would run off again.

Now I just had to know where she was. Still unable to find her, I went to bed still in tears. I prayed to God for help in finding her, dead or alive, something I don’t usually do.

In the midst of past memories, several possibilities came to mind. Maybe all this thinking about her all of a sudden and the strong desire to find her was just because I missed her. Or maybe she was thinking of me quite a bit all of a sudden and I was just picking up on the thought vibrations. Maybe the obit site was messed up or maybe she was still alive and I wasn’t REALLY sensing her presence and that she now had a better understanding of what I’d gone through in life as I lay there in the dark. After all, I hadn’t sensed my own parents since they died. And so “Peanuts,” as she often called me, fell asleep with thoughts of her Italian mother spilling over into her dreams. I don’t remember the dreams, though.

Having studied Italian, I thought about the way I had been spelling the name of the business when I woke up and realized it made no sense. It was just all wrong. Maybe the same went for Mom’s name. So I got up the next morning, made my coffee, tried a few spelling variations on the name, and then I found her obit. pauses to wipe tears I burst into another round of tears. My eyes are redder and more swollen than when my real dad died and I feel like someone threw sand in them. What stunned me was learning that she was 81, only a year older than my real mom. She would be turning 82 in a few days if she were still alive. She smoked for a long time, so maybe cancer killed her, but I have no idea what it actually was.

I’m also shocked to learn that Harry’s still alive. If I’m as devastated as I am, I can just imagine how Harry and the rest of the family must feel. I’m so, sorry it’s too late and that I never got the chance to say goodbye, but was happy to read she passed peacefully in her sleep at home, surrounded by friends and family.

As sad as I feel, we carried on with things as planned, though Tom offered to take me for my belated birthday shopping spree some other time. I knew getting out would help perk me up and take my mind off things if only for a while, so we went to Target. I’ll write about that some other time.

Another weird thing this morning was the rat. I picked Romeo up for his usual hug and kiss. He sat in my arms very calmly. Then all of a sudden he completely freaked out on me. I don’t know what the hell it was but something must’ve terrified him cuz he leaped out of my arms and hid behind the blinds for a few minutes before he would approach me. I hate to ask, but did he see a ghost or something? And were last night’s feelings, thoughts, memories and dreams of the loving woman, who ironically died just 60 days ago, just a coincidence? Or was it her way of grabbing my attention so she could say goodbye? I guess I’ll never know. Meanwhile, I left my condolences.

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 15, 2012
Tammy picked up my message to her but didn’t answer my questions about when she’s going to Mass General or if she likes MO better than MD. Does she just not feel like answering for some reason, or does she not want me to know these things, especially about the blogs? She hasn’t shown up on my report lately, which makes me think I was right in suspecting she doesn’t want to be tracked and is, therefore, sticking to MD. Then again, who knows how often she even goes there? Maybe she only goes once or twice a month if even that.

Part of me wishes she’d give me a reason to dump her before we move to an address we’ll be at for at least a decade. An even bigger part hopes she’ll return from the doctor with “deadly” news, but I know I couldn’t get that lucky.

Damn, nearly 30 people were killed in a school shooting in Connecticut! And at an elementary school?! Usually, it’s colleges and high schools, but now they’re taking this shit to elementary schools?! It just reaffirms what a sad twisted world we live in along with my hatred for a God that could sit back and allow this shit to happen.

Too bad a certain someone in that state couldn’t have taken one of the bullets. Instead, she’s allowed to play online all day, harassing people at the taxpayer’s expense. Sooner or later, however, the street laws will catch up to the cyber laws and start dealing with these brainless, jobless, hopeless happy little losers who do nothing but have loads of fun wasting space on earth and being a nuisance to anyone who has the misfortune of crossing their paths. I decided, though, that I’m not going to let them control me into tweaking settings and spoiling my fun. I hate letting them make me feel like I can only “partially” use a site. So I will re-allow anonymous questions on Ask and just keep saving the years and years of unwanted and unanswered contact for future laws that will hopefully scare these sickos straight.

Unlike Molly, who likes me to know when she comes around, Kim still prefers to hide in anonymity.

Some of the modern single-wides are pretty amazing compared to this old single-wide. In the 60s they weren’t allowed to make them wider than 10’. Then it became 12’ in the 70s. These days they have 2-bed, 2-bath, 14’-wide singles, fully loaded with all the modern appliances. They’re about 800 square feet and would be plenty sufficient enough for us. They even have pitched roofs. My main preference is still a doublewide that’s between 1000-1500 square feet, but a modern single is still appealing if the price and location are right.

Sure hope the old man in my dream last night is a good sign, cuz right now I feel like we’re a million years ago from moving. I don’t expect to be out of here before 2014-2015 with our change of plans and shaky credit.

In the dream, I was jogging down a street and knew I was in a senior community. An old man was sitting on his front porch when he asked, “Are you old enough to live here?”

“No,” I said with a polite smile, “but my husband is.”

Poor Tom is sooo tired of all the OT despite the mad money he’s making (nearly a grand a week) and it sucks cuz no one else is complaining. That’s because they want the extra money for the holidays, and they also don’t make nearly as much as he does. What’s scary is that this is their SLOW time. So what happens in January? Does he have to work 66 hours a week then instead of 56? We’re never going to get anything done around here at that rate! We still haven’t even fully set up the hotspot yet but are hoping to do so this weekend. At least he’s not only making great money and providing us with great benefits, but he’s now got over a week’s worth of vacation time, and we’re both looking forward to shopping tomorrow with the two $50 Target cards they gave him.

I made the comment to Tom this morning about it being shockingly quiet yesterday, but he said the dogs went off around 6pm (I was already in bed) for 15 minutes that he knows of until he too, went to bed. If he said it was between 7pm – 8pm I’d worry the nighttime weekend outings were back on again for the Jes pest, but at that hour he was probably just bringing his kid home. Besides, I haven’t heard anything since getting up at 1am. When he would take off between 7pm – 8am for the whole night, the dogs would bark consistently till around midnight. Then they’d taper off to scattered fits till around 3am – 4am, but I haven’t heard anything.

Later…

Thought I was done journaling for the day but I’m too pissed off not to be even though I knew damn well that this would happen. I “saw” it years ago. Partly thanks to the bastard above that just loves to not only protect my perps but also see to it that I don’t get shit from them, my parents’ fucking condo has gone into foreclosure.

Congratulations, God. You managed to add insult to injury one more time. Oh, this may not be nearly as infuriating and humiliating as being dragged through the legal system by my own perps, perps of a different kind, but it’s just one more slap in the face from God, as far as I’m concerned. AND my parents, particularly my mother. After all, God may’ve allowed her to do what she did and even “guided” her into doing it so as to cheat me out of getting anything in the end from the woman who happily kicked, slapped, threatened, cut me down and made my life miserable for years, but that’s just our twisted God for you. If He was any good, 26 innocent people wouldn’t have lost their lives in Connecticut the other day.

What my crazy, mean bitch of a mother did was spend and spend and spend as if money were flying out of her ass as often as she breathed. I don’t know if she even knew what the hell she was doing, especially in the end, but I do believe Tammy when she says that Dad was kept in the dark. She was supposedly taking out loans and maxing out credit cards like crazy behind his back. I miss my dad at times despite his enabling, look-the-other-way ways, but I REALLY hope that bitch is rotting in hell.

Meanwhile, it’s even more obvious that the bastard doesn’t want us getting any breaks in life just by the fact that the exact same condo across the fucking street from theirs sold for 120K.

I didn’t put this much in public even though she probably wouldn’t mind, but Tammy has Fibromyalgia and Fibrosis, and Lisa’s been ordered never to contact her again. Oh, and Becky and Sarah supposedly say that even if she got help, they would never forgive her. Again, I don’t know what happened but it must be pretty bad.

I appreciate Tammy for understanding that if her ex suddenly materialized in this room I would rip the shit out of him limb by limb. And I’m not afraid or ashamed to say so! This applies to a few others as well. Tammy says she and Mark have caught him in so many lies. The latest was his saying he doesn’t have much longer to live, yet he looked fine when they saw him.

I knew it. I just knew that bastard was faking the cancer or at least seriously playing it up.

With or without my sister involved, and right or wrong on my part, had he just done the adult thing and let me go off on his machine about abusing my sister and her kid like I did then deleted the fucking message instead of running like a spoiled, vindictive little boy to the cops, the warrant out for my arrest for my other perps that no one knew about would’ve remained unknown to us (we had no mail services where we were at the time), and I wouldn’t have lost half a year of my life and thousands of dollars, not to mention all the emotional stress and anguish I experienced. The warrant would have eventually expired due to the type of warrant it was and if it didn’t I wouldn’t have had any other reason to have police contact. Therefore I wouldn’t have had to be victimized all over again by old neighbors only this time through the law.

Ask me who I could never forgive and the answer will always be the same – her ex, the people involved in legally railroading me, and God for letting it happen. No amount of writing, therapy, soothing music, bubble baths or chocolate can ever change that. Sorry, but that’s just the way it is. Some things we can forgive, some we can’t. They should at least be thankful I’m not using full names even though I don’t owe them even that much and am not obligated to do so.

I appreciate the hell out of Tammy for letting me vent. She has never tried to tell me I’m wrong for the way I feel or for what I believe and I appreciate that. She was saying how we have a bond cuz of our parents, and regardless of any past problems or the things that make us different from each other, not even I can deny that.

While it’s great for her that her condition is not fatal, God hates me so much that I’m almost amazed it isn’t cuz then we wouldn’t have anyone to run to if He feels He just has to beat us over the head with money again. I suppose He could pick on us in other ways.

When I saw a group of cops hugging on Facebook after witnessing all the innocent children killed in the latest massacre, even I was touched. So many of them are nothing but corrupt, power-hungry bastards without a care in the world for anyone but themselves. They often seem to fail to keep in mind that it’s OUR tax dollars that pay their salaries. And it’s supposed to be for them to protect and serve, not bully and manipulate. Everything with them is macho this, macho that. They walk and talk with their all-mighty, tough little attitude that they might as well wear signs saying: I’m better than you, I’m the one in control, and I’m the one that’s going to win.

Yeah, it’s often about control with them, sadly, as opposed to justice. I have no respect for anyone in the system, let alone much faith in it to begin with, but the picture was undeniably touching. Not even I could deny that much. It’s too bad that it takes such an atrocity to bring out their human side no matter how “detached” they may be trained to be, and no matter what anger issues they may harbor that made them want to take a job as an authority figure in the first place so that they could act out some of their aggression and whatever else that may motivate them.

Like it or not, every nightmare has its blessing. Those poor little kids will never have to grow up to learn just how fucked up this world truly is. And just like I won’t get shit from my parents, neither will my nieces.

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 14, 2012
How could I forget to mention that as soon as I created the Justin account on Ask to try to pull Molly’s attention away from me, Kim immediately began impersonating Molly, and then claimed to be “Janice.” Kim’s too obvious, though, so I could tell it was her. Wonder who she’s impersonated me to? There’s really no end to who she’ll pretend to be and she obviously wants to be anybody but herself. When Molly came out, non-anonymously, and insisted she hadn’t messaged “Justin” and that it was Kim pretending to be her, it was the first time I actually believed something the loon said. Regardless, I’m sick of Justin so I’m giving him a break for a while. I’m sure they’ll be checking regularly, though, to see if he’s back, LOL, so at least I’ve given them somewhat of a diversion.

Andy said what I figured he’d say – that Tammy should be ashamed of herself for wanting to get revenge on her own kid. Also, if she could hurt her own kid, she could hurt me again. He said he wouldn’t burn the bridge, but would also let her do the contacting. That way she’ll see I’m not into the “relationship” much and will eventually fade away. That’s just the problem, though. She’d never just fade away. Tammy doesn’t fade. You’re pretty much either in her life or you’re not, and if you are, it’s either in a positive way or in a way you won’t like at all. I’m just glad our parents are gone so I don’t have to deal with them getting caught up in the middle of things and taking sides should any future shit come down.

I totally agree, though, that if she could hurt Lisa, she could hurt me. Getting on her bad side would certainly cause me an awful lot of headaches I simply don’t need. Tammy isn’t one to let you ignore her that easily. So I’ll keep it friendly unless she gives me a good reason to make her inevitable cyberbullying worth it. Unfortunately, though, unlike Kim and Molly, she has 2 of our 3 phone numbers and our address. We no longer have a setup that would cost us money to have to go in and delete any unwanted calls, but I’m not sure I’m comfortable with her having all this info. She’s the type that would call my local cops and say I threatened her if she were pissed enough. Even if I didn’t do anything she could legally get me with in the end, who needs the hassles of the pigs coming to my door and me having to explain to them that she’s just a vengeful bitch, just ignore her and pay no attention to her hogwash, etc.?

When I first became rather sociable online, dealing with and observing vengeful, vindictive, spiteful, immature people hell-bent on revenge and stalking, as if they were still in high school or something, wasn’t part of the plan. I’m both saddened and appalled by all the so-called adults out there who feel they have nothing better to do than “get” people who have pissed them off. Unless someone does something huge to them – and I mean HUGE – why is it so damn hard for people to just let go of and ignore others if they’re not getting along or they don’t like each other? There’s a difference between revenge and justice, and unless you’ve got a guilty conscience, please don’t automatically assume I’m talking about any one person specifically. I’m talking about people in general that I have observed on a regular basis.

I may not know it all, nor do I know every detail of every situation, but spiting someone for saying something you didn’t want to hear is revenge. Having someone arrested and tried for burning your house down or trying to kill you is justice. The system may often be unjust, but I would certainly recommend giving it a try and hoping for the best IF something big was done to you.

Yet I see 60-year-olds wanting to spite others for petty shit and I am literally embarrassed as hell for them. I am mostly a silent observer for a few reasons. I don’t like to get involved in other people’s problems that don’t concern or pertain to me in any way, and I also find following blogs regularly rather frustrating because the few people that have actually been interesting enough to hook my interest (yes, I’m hard to please and impress) don’t seem to stick with it for long or they change accounts. So I don’t always see all that goes on and am not always up to date on matters.

What I have seen is a prime reminder of how much low self-esteem and a lack of self-respect are out there. That one would waste time following and harassing those that can’t stand them and that they supposedly dislike as well, goes to show just how little they must value themselves.

It’s ok to be angry and to write about your feelings, even if it’s in a public blog. But it’s not ok to act like a high school kid and stalk, follow and seek revenge on others all the while you try to drag others into it. Sweat the big things, folks, not the little things, for it’s only going to make you look small, weak, childish and dumb in the eyes of others. And when we spend so much energy sweating every little thing we don’t like or agree with, we find we don’t have the energy left for the positive things worth focusing on in life.

Right or wrong, I’m sure people will continue to spite themselves and make themselves look bad while trying to get at others. I may not be perfect myself, but it still sickens me to see so much of this shit going on. It’s not always easy to ignore those you don’t like cuz sometimes they just don’t want to let us have the luxury of ignoring them, but you don’t have to lower yourself to their level either.

Years ago I used to be a very vengeful person myself and was a very miserable and immature person. As I said, I’m not perfect, but upon growing up and gaining maturity and self-respect, I see just how silly and childish I truly was when I look back on my old self. I try not to judge other people and their ways, but some things are just plain wrong by any normal, reasonable set of standards. But just like I’m not going to suddenly believe God is good just because one may want me to or tell me to, you can’t “talk” someone into being a better person. I know that. Only they can do that IF they want to.

Someone once asked if I’d bash a cyber friend of mine I’ve been super close with (not Nane) for years if our friendship ended. No, I wouldn’t because if our friendship ever ended (and I sure hope it doesn’t and highly doubt it will, though people have tried to come between us) she’s much too intelligent and mature to resort to the kind of kiddy crap drama Kim has resorted to which would be the only reason I’d have anything bad to say about her. Although she may be bummed out about it, I’m sure she would simply accept that our friendship was over and focus her attention on positive things and those who are still in her life in a positive way. So the furthest I would go would be to simply say that our friendship ended and I may or may not say why.

However, as soon as you’ve crossed the line into cyberbullying like Kim has, then I have no qualms about hurting your feelings or angering you with something I may have to say about you. How you take it is up to you and I’m not going to care anymore at that point.

As for me personally, I don’t care if someone wrote in their blog that I was a mass murderer and used my full name because words cannot hurt me. Remember the old adage: Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me.

Well, for the most part, that’s true! Throw sticks and stones my way, however, and then you’ve taken things to a whole new level. I won’t let myself be afraid to fight back like I used to be and I won’t care how “high up” in society you may be or what your status, title or friends are like.

Information is knowledge, and with knowledge comes potential trouble for those of us who may not deserve it. Therefore, I’m picky about what sensitive info I give to those who have abused it in the past or that I don’t feel has changed or that I can trust. Yeah, folks, sometimes the people who are supposed to love or at least care for us the most will be the first to throw us to the wolves if we piss them off.

Not sure how much longer I’ll disallow anonymous questions on Ask. I blocked them due to the troll’s same old lame shit, but I feel controlled this way and I miss the fun of anonymous questions other than those from the same damn two crazy chicks that just can’t seem to get enough of me. But in allowing for anonymous comments I then give THEM the control. So… I think I’ll keep things the way they are for a while.

Later…

Why does everyone want me to call them all of a sudden??? I love my friends and family but I am NOT a phone person. Can you get that? Please quit trying to make me something I’m not and to get me to do something I have no desire to do when it’s so much more convenient to keep in touch online. You’re welcome to leave me voice messages, but I’m a little too busy (even if I was a phone person) to take an hour or two out of my hectic schedule every few days to chat.

I’ll catch up on calls if my poor husband can ever get enough free time to set up our hotspot so I can use the MagicJack. Meanwhile, whether one has money or not, it’s foolish to spend money on minutes for the cell when I can just use my computer phone once we get it up to speed which only costs just $20 a year. Really, folks, if it’s not an emergency, why would I want to burn up minutes just to discuss the same things that can be discussed online? Even for free it’s pretty pointless unless you have a ton of stuff to say.

Speaking of friends and family, I had a dream that a friend was teaching me self-defense, only I never got the chance for any “defense,” LOL. I don’t think she’d want me to mention the other dreams, with or without her name mentioned.

I had what classifies as a total nightmare when I dreamt of having to go live with my sister, hahaha. That would have to mean Tom and I were broker than broke. Plus my sister and I are still too different. Our personalities and interests differ to the point that we’d probably clash like hell. The strange part was that she was calling one of her kids Melanie.

Why all the wet dreams lately, some of which are with characters from past books of mine? I got it on with an Italian hottie a few nights ago, and last night it was a Latina hottie.

I’m doing laundry now (the hose just needed to be tightened) and enjoying the peace until Jesse or his mutts steal it.

Tom and I are amazed at how much more effective a Waterpik is compared to flossing. We were skeptical at first but even on lower pressure settings it’s kicking out shit from between our teeth we didn’t even know was there. Tom said it was disgusting, LOL, to learn he had all that stuff in his mouth when he didn’t even feel like he had anything there. He did know that he had a build-up of tartar on his lower teeth, however, and says even that’s been getting knocked off little by little.

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 13, 2012
When someone views my blog for 49 minutes through a proxy I can’t help but wonder if it’s someone I know. There were also some IP#s said to be reported as spam forums when I ran the numbers.

Now for something that kind of disturbs and even worries me. This will have to be kept private for sure, but it’s about Tammy. She wants me to help her spite Lisa and I absolutely refuse to get involved or take sides. She didn’t literally ask me to get involved or take sides, but as I’ve mentioned, the two things she loves to bitch about when we talk on or offline are her health issues and all the problems Lisa’s supposedly causing the family. This time she went a step further, asking if I could find out what nursing home she works at in Mystic, CT. She and the others want to get her in trouble. Something about her taking a picture of herself showing off her new heels after getting worker’s comp for a bad back. People that cheat the system piss me off too, and there are people that genuinely need things like welfare, worker’s comp and disability and the cheaters help ruin it for them, but this is her DAUGHTER for God’s sake! Am I missing something here or is it just plain wrong for a mother to seek what seems like a form of revenge on her own daughter AND pit her other kids and husband against her as well? Is there really no end to whom she will spite when crossed by them? Or at least when she thinks she’s been crossed by them?

I’ll be the first to admit I don’t know the whole story (she said she’d tell me if I called), and I got a taste of Lisa’s craziness myself a few years ago when we were all bickering. So I know for a fact that Lisa’s unbalanced. She’s lied to me, she’s made false accusations against me, and I saw a lot of Molly in her in just those few messages we exchanged. But how much of her craziness is Tammy influenced? And Bill, and maybe Mark, too.

Again, I don’t know the whole story, but what she said to me and what I saw on Becky’s wall shows that her vindictiveness still lives on, She spited me in 2000 and then again in 2009 with her vengeful evilness and apparently, she hasn’t changed a bit. Piss her off and she’ll do everything she can to make you miserable whether you deserve it or not.

All Tammy would say was that the last 4 days have been terrible with Lisa’s threats and harassment. Also, Sarah was especially hurt cuz she stuck by her when no one else would and they’ve come to the end of the road with her. She asked if we were Facebook friends, but we’re not and we never will be.

Again, I don’t know the whole story, but when I saw Tammy, Sarah and Becky openly bashing her on Becky’s public wall, it again made me wonder who I was associating with and if it was worth the risk to have her as a backup for the next poor spell.

I had decided to dump her as soon as both parents were gone, but then I hung onto her because she had been nice enough to deal with wrapping up Mom and Dad’s lives mostly by herself, all the while keeping me up to date on what was going on. Then she offered to send us some stuff and told me not to hesitate to call for help if we ever needed money. I’ll admit I didn’t want to burn that bridge too quickly. Not many people would help a little let alone to the degree she would and that wasn’t something I just wanted to throw away. She’d send us tickets and put us up in the basement apartment they had made for Becky till she and Sarah got an apartment together and give Tom a job working with Mark. How many people would do that much for us even if they could? Not many! So I’ll be the first to admit I was hesitant to just throw that kind of backup away, even if the LAST thing we’d ever want to do is run to Tammy of all people. Remember, she helped get me in jail, however indirectly it may’ve been, by exposing me to the welfare bums and corrupt pig that were after me. If she hadn’t defended her abusive husband, I never would’ve known there was a warrant out for me in the first place, but thanks to her flushing me out like that when they came to talk to me about threatening Bill (and I was truly guilty of that much), they routinely checked and discovered the bench warrant. No, she didn’t know about the warrant any more than we did, but that doesn’t change the fact that she still helped me lose 6 months of freedom and thousands of dollars, and put me through an untold amount of stress, depression, and anger. And don’t forget my husband. He too was affected by all the spite, legal or not. In seeking legal revenge upon me, they hurt my husband, too. I’m all for seeking justice but not revenge, and clearly what she and the bums/cop did was nothing other than revenge with a capital R. Going after someone who beat you up, burned your place down or stole your car, is totally different.

So… I’m not against getting justice, but I am against getting revenge. I know they don’t always let us, but we should really just try to ignore those we don’t like or have a problem with. Is it just me or does anyone else I share this with agree that a mother trying to get her daughter in trouble (even if she really doesn’t have a bad back), and openly condemning her on FB is just plain wrong? Lisa may not have been able to see it, though, if they all have her blocked. Still, aren’t mothers supposed to not take sides?

If I pulled back and looked at Tammy as just Tammy and not my sister, then asked myself if I would be friends with her, the answer would be no. She’s not my type to buddy with. We don’t have much in common at all. Never have. But unless things get worse, I’m afraid to dump her cuz not only will we have burned a possible safety net, it will then be my turn, once again, to be harassed by her, and God knows what she may do next time. If I do ever feel I have reason enough to dump her I won’t hesitate to do so as there’s only so much shit I’ll take from people, but I’ll bow out silently and not go off on her on my way out, cuz that’d really fuel her fire. I will admit a part of me is amused at the idea of simply going dumb on her.

Her: Where have you been? Why don’t you answer my calls and messages anymore?

Me: I don’t know who you are. You must have me mixed up with someone else.

Her: It’s Tammy, your sister, goddamnit!

Me: Who? I don’t have a sister. I’m an only child.

LOL, well, my blogs sure do say otherwise, but it’s still a funny thought. Right now, though, dealing with Kim and Molly is enough, and being annoying isn’t reason enough to get rid of the drama queen. There’s only so much I’d take from anyone, though, so if bad things start happening…bye-bye I go even if that means throwing our life jackets to the wolves, and there really isn’t anything to say we’ll never be poor again. What can happen once can happen twice, though it has happened thrice. Oh yeah, God loves to make bums out of us, but I promise Him and myself, I won’t always live like a bum. Regardless of what we have for money, someday we WILL have a decent home.

It’s true, though. Poverty can happen to anyone, anytime, including us. He could get laid off right now. In about 7-8 months we would run out of money if he were unable to find a job by then, and then we could be right back in the same boat we were in last year. My optimistic side says, “God doesn’t hate you guys that much.” My realistic side says, “The hell He doesn’t!” Seriously, if this happened, God would NOT be looking out for us.

Back on topic. I told Tammy that I wouldn’t know where to begin to find out the information she wants on Lisa (it’s true). I also told her I felt it best not to get involved for obvious reasons.

I don’t know just how messed up Lisa is, but I remember a part of me felt bad for Molly’s parents (until I realized just what enablers they are) after the way Molly wrote in an old blog of hers how she dreamed of stabbing them in their sleep and how she was funny farmed (even though her mother could’ve had her arrested), for threatening suicide and attacking them. Well, I don’t know if she just threatened to kill them or if she actually made an attempt to attack them, but I know her father had to subdue her, so to speak. She wrote of him pinning her down in a chair when she was supposedly out of control one night.

Well, just how out of control is Lisa??? She can’t be too crazy if she can hold a job and a long-term relationship like she is said to be doing. sighs I think the whole family’s just fucked up. It’s as simple as that. I’m the only one that came out so fluky but oh so normal at the same time, LOL.

I told her about the dream I had of her dying last June, but that I wouldn’t worry much about it since I also dreamed Alison died yet she never did.

Thinking of how these sisters have been fighting doesn’t surprise me. Lisa had told me she was close to them before going off on me a few years ago, and even Mom said that, too. Yet I remember thinking to myself that this might change in time. I got that one right, all right. Regardless, God didn’t love me enough to give me a good family, but he sure gave me a great husband and friends. :) That helps make up for it.

Later…

Had a busy morning, along with the usual annoyances from up at Jesse’s place. The loud truck, some barking, and who knows what else is to come. It’s still prime Jes pest time, so we’ll see. Maybe the motorcycle? I’m kind of surprised I haven’t heard it already.

Right now I’m bloated to hell and I have a bit of a backache, too. Can’t wait to trade these periods in for hot flashes. Especially when it’s in the 30s and 40s out there. It’s not even January and I miss the summer already, even though the cold is so much better for sleeping and working out.

Romeo, being the little devil that he is, likes to push some of the bedding out and make a mess on the floor around the cage. I don’t know what the reason for this is. Is he trying to build some kind of privacy wall? If he wants privacy, what’s wrong with the wooden burrow or the tube? He does spend most of his sleeping time in the tube while Sugar prefers the burrow, so who knows why he does the silly things he does.

Sick of cleaning up after him I added the wire mesh flooring that goes just above the bottom rim of the cage. That way they can’t actually reach the bedding. While I was doing this, the only place I could think of to put the two of them while still being able to keep an eye on them was in the kitchen pail, LOL. I removed the trash bag from it first, of course, but this way they were contained in something too high to jump out of.

I assured them I’d work as quickly as I could, peeking in on them from time to time. One time Romeo was looking up curiously at me as if to say, “What’s going on?” It was so cute! Of course they had to piss and shit the pail up, but it was due for a good rinsing anyway.

When I first sent them back home I had yet to add the burrow and food bowl. Sugar looked back at me as if to say, “Hey, where’s all my stuff, bitch?” hahaha, it was so cute.

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 12, 2012
Got our new Waterpik and had it unpacked and set up before Tom got up. It’s pretty simple to use. This is going to be a wonderful alternative to flossing.

Having money spoils you. I suppose it would do that to anyone. Even so, I have to remind myself not to get carried away with the extra luxuries just because I can. I used a Swiffer duster sheet instead of the dusting wand so I didn’t have to keep running outside to shake the dust out of it, and while it’s more expensive this way, it sure gets a lot of dirt, dust and grime that the other duster can’t get. I was amazed at how filthy the thing was when I was done. The other duster is flimsy and can’t get into small spaces as well and is best for things like ceiling fans and large open surfaces.

FB now has this thing - the highlights of 2012. I clicked on it and a bunch of rat pics flashed through, LOL. Yeah, big highlights of 2012 (besides Tom getting hired on), two dead parents and two live rats. :)

While this may be cool, FB is also pissing me off again not only with new changes, but now they’re spamming the newsfeeds and it’s getting pretty old pretty fast. This is part of why I dumped Twitter. Again, I suppose this would annoy anyone.

Sometimes I think of how I could just shut down my online life and be done with all the trolls, spam, scams and other nuisances. But the fun and convenience of it all is something I would greatly miss if I did.

Never thought I’d come to love my Romeo so much. Sugar’s a good guy, but Romeo has really weaseled his way into my heart. He started off extremely timid and is one of our dumber rats, but he’s catching on and now the rat that once ran and hid from me when I’d approach him runs up to me in hopes of me picking him up and giving him treats when I walk by his cage. Like most rats, he’s not big on cuddling but is becoming more playful. Instead of just exploring on his own when I let him out, he comes and “visits” me, too.

It’s hard for a rat to climb straight down and so I easily trained our last rat to step onto my head, which I would bring level with the roof of his cage when he’d climb up onto it. I would then lower myself face down to the floor and he would climb down my neck, down my back, then jump off. Sometimes you gotta literally walk a rat through the steps, so I placed my head even with the roof as usual and pulled him off of it and onto my head to show him how it’s done. Of course, this time I had Sugar, who thought it was a game, trying to playfully grab and nip my nose from inside the cage, LOL. So I gotta be careful when training Romeo to use me as a ladder!

So much for thinking a rainy day would keep the Jes pest away. It’s running something kind of loud up there. Him and his fucking loud engines and machinery! It’s not loud enough to be the bulldozer, though. Could be some type of water pump. Maybe his garage got flooded or something, though it didn’t rain that much today, and most of it was last night.

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 11, 2012
Fucking Andy! We agreed he wouldn’t answer questions with my name, yet he answered with “What secrets?” when Molly asked him what secrets he and I were keeping since she couldn’t question me directly. I played the dumb card cuz I don’t want to give Molly the satisfaction of knowing I know it’s her.

So screw “Justin.” I’ll just use his account as an instrument of torture. I was thinking I’d have him ask me questions about Molly and if I’ve been harassed or not, and have him be from the group home she’s in, etc.

Exchanged messages yesterday with Nane and Tammy. Nane got me laughing about all the snow she’s getting, but Tammy got me anything but laughing.

Poor Becky has to have eye surgery because she’s going to be losing an eye. That’s just horrible! Being born blind in one eye is one thing, but losing an eye after you had both for something like 25 years must be just awful.

As for Tammy, she tried to go back to work but was unable to. They bumped her Mass General appointment up a couple of weeks. God only knows what’s wrong with her. I just know she wishes she could catch a break for once and I don’t blame her.

She mailed our package yesterday which I let her know we’re looking forward to, and I suppose I shouldn’t say anything more about her or her kids. After all, it’s their own business and they can start their own blog if they want to share it with the public. But since I haven’t said anything bad about them, I guess this much is ok.

I also got a gorgeous glittery card from Mary.

MONDAY, DECEMBER 10, 2012
For 4 days now Molly has peeked in on my blog and I have a feeling the why-am-I-so-mean-to-dogs and last night’s rude “question” about my sex life were both from her. They don’t seem Kim’s style, though in some ways they’re also a little well-written and above Molly. Could be Molly’s mother, but still, I’d be willing to bet on either Molly or her mother. Every time I think Molly’s gone for good, back she comes, and Kim seems to pester me every week or two.

Deciding I’d had enough of them and that they were just not going to go away, I created a whole new account as a young man in England. I hate being someone I’m not, but if I do this for a while, maybe – just maybe – they’ll get sick of me. I’ve led them to believe Andy and I are now keeping in touch on Formspring, and will only share the link to “Justin’s” account with about half a dozen of my closest friends.

While Andy’s dealing with his computer issues I’ll take the time to build the account a bit so it looks legit. I asked myself some anonymous questions but don’t want to use the account too much at first with Andy so it doesn’t become too obvious who Justin really is. Just the changing of background pics would be obvious enough, so I’ll eventually be sure to say I noticed that Andy changes pics regularly and maybe I should start doing that too, or something like that. Because some of my pics are kind of feminine, I guess I should be gay, hahaha.

I’ll have to remember not to mention names and topics that could give me away but in a way that Andy will understand what I’m talking about. The trolls are bound to watch him closer now, and maybe even pester him, in search of clues as to what’s going on with me. I told him to just say that we’re keeping in touch on Formspring. I was sure to mention that anonymously on his wall too, knowing they’ll see it.

I know I could’ve disallowed anonymous questions and blocked any accounts they came at me through, but that wouldn’t be much fun. I did, however, disallow them before suddenly being unable to log in. Still, if ignoring them is really going to do the trick like Andy said, well, I don’t exactly feel like I’m totally ignoring them even if I don’t answer them because they know damn well I’m seeing their so-called questions. As long as they can get to me in a convenient, non-anonymous way, they will. But I don’t want to dump such an established account either, so I’ll just abandon it for a while. The thing is that with my shit luck, even if I didn’t use it for years, they’d still check it every now and then.

Another thing that got old for me was having to ignore them. I’d prefer not to hear from them at all because I don’t like them, but I always want to answer with one of my crazy answers and it’s such a struggle to resist the temptation of wanting to really play with their minds. I know, though, that just like Andy said, this would only fuel their fire. So with Justin, I don’t have to be tempted to fuck with them, and they get to sit and stew in frustration of not having an easy connection to me. Gotta laugh when I think of them searching and searching for us on Formspring and I know they will.

Watch, Molly will disappear for another month now and not know I supposedly can’t log in. Better than her being around every day, though.

Heard from cousin Phil. He updated his past and present locations and said he doesn’t log in much and that he loves and misses me. I love and miss the hell out of him, too! So glad I finally found him after all these years. In many ways, he was like the big brother I never had.

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 9, 2012
Wish I had more to say other than that I like Rihanna’s new song You Da One, but I don’t. I got tired of missing out on music and knew there’d be fresh stuff waiting for me so I visited my stations on last.fm. Kinda pissed to see that now you can only skip 6 songs an hour, but anyway, the connection is still so slow that music still cuts in and out. I had to look up the song on YouTube and let it buffer in before I could play it straight through.

By the time Tom’s one day off comes around he’s so tired that all he wants to do is nap. So he didn’t get around to setting up the hotspot’s antennae just yet or making any calls to the travel agency. I offered to call them for him and he said he’d think about it cuz I do so much as it is. I don’t feel like I do much compared to him, LOL.

Andy’s computer caught a virus, I exchanged messages with Maliheh, and Tammy did visit my blog after all. I just didn’t know she’d come up as being in Richardson, TX, but I learned this when she opened the email I sent her. It’s an AT&T email account, so if one doesn’t set up their profile, they’ll appear to be where the company is based, just like Gmail accounts that aren’t profiled show up as being in Mountain View, CA.

What I don’t get is why she doesn’t always respond to simple little questions like if she had any idea when we can expect the packages she keeps saying she’s sending. She better not be fucking with me. It doesn’t seem like anything she’d make up. I guess that when one is always busy and sick, they just don’t have much time.

It seems like Kim has backed off for a week or two, but Molly may be the one who asked why I’m so “mean” to dogs (by wishing they’d drop dead when they bark, though it’s been quiet enough lately). She’s viewed my blog 3 days in a row now, always sure to check comments no doubt in hopes of one of them being left by Alison.

Looks like the washer’s hose was just loose. I’ll find out next time I do laundry.

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 8, 2012
Ok, now for Part 2 of the What Happened Last Year saga involving old enemies who screwed me through the law 13 years ago just to return to haunt me in a whole new way.

I will admit that I did something kind of dumb during the summer and fall of 2010, and so in some ways, it was my fault, not that I’m responsible for other people’s actions. But still, I should’ve known better. What happened may or may not have happened if I hadn’t taken advantage of one of Blogger’s features and that’s this little auto-sender thing they have where you can insert one’s email address and have the entries automatically mailed to them. Not just the link to the entries, but the entries themselves as well.

The therapist I had years ago on account of their legal vengeance suggested I write about my feelings about what was done to me, saying it was very therapeutic. I agreed. It was very therapeutic. But why not share some of these thoughts directly with the source? I figured back then. It was legal, so why not? The worst she could do was ignore them, delete them or mark them as spam. I’d actually known about her email address for quite some time at that point. I’d found it, free of charge, on one of those people-info sites.

Around the time she and her rogue cop raked my ass over hot coals in court, she moved to a city outside of Phoenix which she also began working for. Nonetheless, I shared my thoughts, feelings and opinions and “dropped” her a copy of them. This includes the trouble she herself got into. Hey, it was a matter of public information anyway. I mentioned how she got sued by an apartment complex and then again by a daycare center, and of course I couldn’t leave out what she got away with – abuse of the welfare system, perjury in court, prank calls to my husband and I, and the times she and her cronies left sexually explicit notes in our mail slot which was a federal offense right there. Yes, it was what she did get away with that was pretty damn amazing as opposed to what she didn’t get away with.

Once, she visited my blog from work, according to my tracker, by clicking through one of the emails and into the blog itself. Blogger had shit security and a joke of a privacy policy, but TIP worked the best on that particular blog for some reason, providing me with the best info. Well, it was more detailed anyway.

I probably should’ve said this earlier, but to jump back to 2007 when I was entering sweeps regularly and living up in Oregon, I entered a sweep presented by a company with a very familiar name. And then I saw a very family face and location to go with that name. No, not her – him! As in Mr. Corrupto himself turned real estate man working for his family’s real estate business after getting booted from the piggy force. Tom didn’t think it was him at first, saying cops weren’t allowed to show their faces online like that unless it was related to a case they were working on.

But he was supposed to be an EX-cop, right? So after hitting him with an email giving him a piece of my mind – again, nothing racial or threatening – but just enough to make me feel at least a little better and like I finally got to really say something about what was done to me even though it could never be undone, I visited ratemycop.com and was both shocked and furious to find his name on the list. Nonetheless, I “rated” him, alright.

Then I later learned that just because a cop may’ve been fired doesn’t mean they still don’t keep a list of everyone that’s worked for the department or that they update it regularly. Various sources confirmed that he is almost certainly not on the force. But I knew he’d still probably learn of my feedback either way and that he wouldn’t be the least bit happy about it either.

For years I was terrified of them and the thought of what they may try to do to me for anything I’ve said to them or in my blogs, but I promised myself I would never let myself be scared silent by these losers, for that would be letting them win and take even more from me after they’d already taken enough years ago from both my husband and I – time, money, freedom and peace of mind. A part of me even hoped they would try to violate my rights, falsify evidence, withhold information from me that I had a right to know, or feed me false information so I could sue the shit out of them, not that I wanted to go through the headaches and hassles. I’d already lost enough sanity to these people both through and not through the law. But I was naïve to the law 13 years ago and they knew it. That’s part of why they took advantage of me, in the name of hate and revenge. And oh, how they hated me as opposed to Tom, who made it clear to the courts that it was he who sent the city letter and not me. But I was the hated one because I was not only the one who screamed at them to shut up from time to time when asking politely failed to work, but I was the Jewish one, too. And yes, I know they knew I was Jewish and that they disliked whites, and especially Jews. But that’s a whole ‘nother story I won’t get into now. The point was still the same; I promised myself that despite what they did to me if I had something to say I was going to say it. And I did.

If what happened to me could happen to me, it could happen to anyone. Even you. So if sharing my story, even though I’m going to initially do it with just friends, can help just one person, then that is satisfaction in itself. Reverse discrimination really does exist and so do corrupt cops who help their friends spite those that they feel have crossed them. Who wouldn’t feel “crossed” by a letter of complaint to the city, which the welfare bum claimed resulted in her eviction, even if they’d truly done wrong and deserved to be complained on? Still, this doesn’t excuse what was done to me, and again, if my story helps just one person I would be thrilled, for knowledge is everything. One need not go to law school to help protect themselves and their rights, but what we don’t know really can hurt us.

Around August 2011, my email account was hacked, supposedly by someone in Malaysia. I changed PWs, but all was supposedly fine after that. This was the email connected to Blogger. I also received pop-ups on my blog saying “suspicious activity detected” but I really didn’t think much of it at the time.

Then one day Tom was alarmed at the bandwidth usage going on and he was able to tell that someone had been on my computer doing God only knew what, for that much, we couldn’t tell. This was when he pulled me out of Windows and into Mac’s OSX which is much safer. In the year that I’ve been using OSX, I’ve encountered no hackings, viruses, Trojans or worms and have only crashed 2-3 times. I hate it and love it. It’s trickier to navigate, but as they say, once you go Mac you never go back. Its upgrades are a fraction of Window’s upgrades, and I totally believe without a doubt that Windows is a highly potentially dangerous operating system. I won’t touch it ever again as overpriced as most things Apple-related can be.

Time to cut to the chase. In October of 2011, I received an email at both the Gmail account I used to have for sweeping and one I had created for Paula to use because she couldn’t create one herself. Once I saw she wasn’t going to use it, I took it over but never used it since the addy had her name in it. Regardless, the email said the PD in the sick bitch’s city had subpoenaed Google for info. I was alarmed but not worried, for I knew I hadn’t done anything other than say things she didn’t want to hear.

The months passed and I tried not to worry about them hunting me down and shooting me or anything, even though I’ve known this was always a very real possibility. They are that full of hate and that obsessive. Trust me when I say that what they did to me took a lot of time, money, legwork and determination to the point of obsession. At the same time, it was NOTHING compared to how it affected me. A lot of people don’t realize or even give a shit about the severity in which their actions can impact others, or for how long.

The real scare came in January of 2012 when I received an email saying a case had been made against me and to please call the PD listed at my earliest convenience. I went into immediate freak-out mode. My heart started pounding, I could barely breathe, and I had the runs like crazy. In a panic I called Tom at work who calmed me down, assuring me everything would be fine.

“Don’t let them win,” I told myself, taking deep breaths and willing myself to calm down. “Don’t let them control your emotions, and by God don’t walk into any kind of legal trap like you did in 2000 by answering to them in any way. You can’t stop the cops from busting in here and arresting you, but you don’t have to go to them. Don’t let them win again!”

Instead, I quietly shut down all my accounts connected to Google, one by one, and did something I rarely do. I prayed to God. I felt a bit silly about it since He let them have me once, so why would He protect me this time around?

And so I waited… and I waited… and I waited. But no one came to cart me off in cuffs and shackles back down to Arizona. No one even came to so much as talk to me.

After a few months, I stopped dead in my tracks and said, “Whoa, whoa, wait a minute here! Why am I the one running if I haven’t done anything wrong?” Nothing I did was illegal. Nothing. Tom first worried they were trying to get me for spam, if it was in fact a real cop that sent the email, but according to our research, a few dozen or so messages don’t constitute spam. They mostly go after businesses that send thousands of emails. Besides, no one does much about the thousands of fake lotto scams and other emails sent each and every day where people actually do make their attempts at illegal activity.

It was with a sickening dread that I then began to realize they may’ve altered one of the posts to make me really look bad and wondered if my computer being hacked had anything to do with it. But if it were “really bad,” wouldn’t they have come after me despite possible jurisdiction issues? I didn’t know what to think at the time, I was just glad that God had protected ME for once!

Or had He? Was there really anything to ever need to protect me from?

I studied and thought of the email messages, analyzing them like crazy.

And then I saw it.

I felt like the biggest idiot on earth! Still do for that matter. By the time I got done tackling each and every word, I came up with many things that all screamed, “BULLSHIT!”

Although the general PD info seemed correct, something anyone could look up, one of the things that made me automatically assume it was for real was that it was sent to 3 of my then-current email addresses and one I had down in Arizona. But as I would come to realize, anyone could get that information if they were willing to pay for it on some site like Intellius, and if they had been a cop at one point or another, they’d be likely to still have friends in high enough places who could dig up all kinds of goodies for them. If they really wanted to know the last time I farted, they could find out.

But that was another thing right there; it wasn’t just me the email was sent to. It was also sent to an address I didn’t recognize as well as one to Mr. Corrupto himself. There was also an address that didn’t make sense. It was like it wasn’t even a real email address. Now why would any legit cop with a real “case” email a notice about it to other people as well?

There was also the fact that it was from a “cop” with a very generic name. Too generic. Also, there are some types of business you simply don’t conduct online. If it were a real cop with a real case they could’ve gotten our phone numbers and even our physical address, even though the internet, like all the utilities here, is in Jesse’s name.

Another sign of it being a scam was that after several months passed, I failed to find any default warrant on me. As I once learned the hard way, even if they can’t actually serve you with a summons, a case can still be brought to court and processed with or without your knowledge. If you don’t show up – and you wouldn’t if you were never served and didn’t know you were supposed to appear in the first place – a bench warrant is automatically issued for your arrest for failing to appear. Yet there was absolutely nothing out there on me.

Ever since that day, I have not heard from the sick bitch or anyone connected to her, and while I’m 99% sure it wasn’t a real cop that messaged me with a “case” made against me, I treat it as if it were very real indeed and am very careful of what I say or do, always keeping up to date on blogger’s rights, etc. I’m kind of surprised they went silent on me as I expected to be harassed online had it been real (until I sued the PD for harassment), but this is just additional proof that it wasn’t real because Arizona’s not the kind of state to just let things go. I still don’t doubt that it was connected to the bitch just by the content of the email and the location given, but what was their point? Just to scare me, I guess. After all, if most people’s evil deeds were exposed in someone’s blog – deeds they’d prefer to keep hidden – those people would be bound to be pissed off.

The lesson I’ve learned from this little scare? Don’t be afraid to speak your mind, but let people come to your blog. Don’t bring it to them.

The lesson they should hope never to have to learn? I’m a lot smarter than I was in 2000. Fuck with me and I’ll sue you right out of the potty you piss in!

Later…

Heard from Maliheh just when I was beginning to think I never would. I feel bad for assuming the worst like I did.

She says she’s got 600 messages in her box and hasn’t felt like going through them, then she said she was sorry she missed my birthday and hoped I had a good day.

Then, according to TIP, she checked her mail again not long afterward presumably to see if I’d sent a reply, but I was too busy to reply till a little while ago. I teased her about needing to hire me as her secretary.

So I guess Tom’s theory was right in that she didn’t dump me but is just getting to be more and more of a recluse with age.

One of the cool things I discovered about Hotmail is that it hides my TIP code. Still, I’ll mostly use Hotmail to communicate with Andy unless there are ever additional problems with mail.com.

Molly peeked in on me again too, this time for a few minutes.

The fucking washer hose is leaking. I knew that thing was going to break any minute now. I said to myself, if we don’t get the fuck out, that washer’s gonna be a problem. The hose, however, does say to replace it every 5 years and it’s been 4 1/2. Why can’t we ever have anything that doesn’t leak?!?!?! Maybe it just needs to be tightened. I can still wash clothes, I just have to lay a towel around the washer on the floor. Fucking 20-year-olds have full-size washers and dryers while we have this tiny thing that now leaks, and we have to hang clothes from wall to wall like true bums at heart! But I know it’s going to be a very long time before we move so I just have to deal with it. At least the Jes pest’s late-night weekend outings have stopped, making it more peaceful around here at that time.

It’s continuing to be a rather warm winter. We haven’t even hit freezing yet at night.

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 7, 2012
Some of you may remember that last year I deleted the blog I had on Blogger and stopped using my other blogs for a while. During this time I mostly shared entries on Facebook. This might’ve actually been at the end of 2010. I told you it was because of security issues and this was 100% true. My Gmail account, blog included since Google powers them both, was indeed hacked. But there was more to it that I didn’t share in my blog. This was because I wanted to wait till I had more information and knew what the hell was going on, besides the fact that I was scared shitless. Fortunately, it wasn’t long before I calmed down enough to examine all the telltale signs that assured me there was a 99% chance it was just a hoax. Nonetheless, I was very shaken up and so that’s why I laid low for a while.

It was a tough subject for me to write about while I was busy fearing for my safety and the safety of my husband as well. Actually, it wasn’t that I couldn’t bring myself to write about it so much as I couldn’t bring myself to share it. See, it involves a black person and everyone is so quick to side with non-whites these days that I just wasn’t in the mood to deal with the doubt, the accusations, and the animosity that might’ve come with it. I can only share the facts, folks. What people choose to do with those facts is a whole ‘nother issue. So one of these days soon enough, I will share what happened and you the reader can decide what to do with that information. It’s like giving someone a shirt for Christmas. You can give them the shirt, but you can’t guarantee where that shirt will end up. I will tell you what happened. What you do with that info is out of my control, but I’m not going to worry about who may not be able to handle it for much longer.

I can’t say when I’ll be ready to share the whole story because that’s not one of those things you can exactly put a time frame on. When I get around to writing about it in a way that the public can understand (regardless of who they want to believe and side with in the end) I will do so.

I will at least give you a little prelude to the story, but in order to do so I must jump back to the mid-90s in Phoenix, Arizona. We had a small tract house in Phoenix when the city seized the house next to us. Tom and I moved in in 1993 and were married the next year. From 1996-1999, which was when we moved, we had welfare bums living next to us that drove us crazy, particularly me, because I was home more than Tom was. Loud music, wild parties, screaming kids, barking dogs, fights, drug sales, vandalism, trash… all within just a matter of feet from our place. A black woman and her child lived there for 3 years and then a Mexican family lived with us for our last 4 months there. They also had other people living there that weren’t supposed to.

My husband sent letters to the city complaining of the chaos. What we didn’t know at the time was that the black woman had a friend on the police force. He is no longer a member of the force but in the family real estate business instead, thanks to his misconduct and abuse of authority. I do not know who else this guy victimized but common sense tells me that several complaints had to finally add up to get him booted and that this type of person doesn’t usually pick on just one person. What he did to “pick” on me was add a threatening letter to some journal excerpts I shared with them through the mail as a way of giving them a piece of my mind. The excerpts may’ve been perceived as bordering on threatening, but they weren’t actually threatening by any means. As far as I knew, I was well within my legal right, but again, I had no idea about the corrupt cop friend at the time and what he had in mind for me.

It was now early 2000. We had just moved when I was rudely awakened, yanked out of my house by a fucking swat team, and dragged 45 minutes back into Phoenix to be asked questions I could’ve been asked at home. Well, they photographed and fingerprinted me as well. Then the cop thrusts a threatening letter chock full of racial slurs and asks if I knew anything about it. I didn’t. But it didn’t matter, for he got what he wanted – my prints on the damn thing.

After being told that it was “over,” I had to play court till the fall of that year. Just minutes before sentencing we were shown “evidence” we’d never seen before. The public pretender mostly flashed the evidence in my face for just seconds before yanking it away. It seemed to consist mostly of racially motivated comics that were anything but funny. It also wasn’t until sentencing day that we learned the “victim” was tight with the “cop,” mostly based on how they carried on in court and by how obvious it was that she was coaxed in her so-called statement. It wasn’t until after sentencing that I learned I had been charged and convicted of the letter, NOT the journals.

It was then that I got to really learn not only how much Arizona favors minorities, but also just how barbaric its laws and sentences can be. Guilty or not, a “crime” like this is considered a misdemeanor in most states rather than a felony as it is, after all, mere words on paper and not actions. I never once laid a finger on anyone. Why they didn’t simply not read the journals if they didn’t want to hear it and just discard them was beyond me. But again, I had yet to realize the impact of this “letter” and how that was the focal point of the “case” as opposed to the journals.

As for who really wrote the letter, I don’t know. Possibly the cop himself in order to help his little buddy build a case against me, or maybe the “victim” received it from someone else. I simply don’t know and I probably never will. The author of that letter certainly isn’t going to come forward and claim credit for it. The only other things from me were a card with little bits of confetti in it that I knew would spill all over the place when they opened it, and a bottle I tossed over the dividing block wall one night due to getting fed up with the stress and anger they caused me for raising hell for hours and hours at a time. Right or wrong, I couldn’t even hear myself think half of the time.

Both inmates and detention officers in the jail I had to spend half a year in agreed that the sentence certainly didn’t fit the crime even if I’d written the damn thing myself. After being released in May of 2001 I was supposed to remain on probation till the fall of 2003, but 6 months before that I was finally vindicated.

The courts and media were quick to label me a stalker and a racist (though I was not charged with a hate crime) and for a while, I became the latter part of that label that was affixed upon me. In reality, it never was about their race to begin with. It was about their behavior. All we wanted was to just live in peace. That’s all we wanted.

After getting my life back and out of their hands, I was able to realize there’s good and bad in all kinds. No, I may not like certain groups as a whole, but that doesn’t mean I hate every single person as an individual within that group. Not all blacks are bad just like not all whites are good. I’m smart enough to know this. But I am truly horrified by all the reverse discrimination going on these days and the favoring of certain groups. Yet people don’t want to hear it when it involves whites, gays or Jews getting shit on. I don’t understand why this is. Do they not believe that blacks aren’t the only ones who deal with discrimination? Is it just too scary for people to face and address this issue? Well, the problem isn’t going to go away on its own. Gays still can’t marry wherever they want to, and whites can’t have an all-white beauty pageant without being called racists.

I knew that those involved would be highly furious about my vindication and that was part of why we left Arizona. I felt too much like a sitting duck. If I had to live in either my native state of Massachusetts or Arizona, I’d choose Massachusetts in a heartbeat even though I would HATE the climate. Arizona’s a beautiful state, but the laws, system and so many other things are so twisted there that I know I could never so much as stand to visit the place let alone ever live there again.

So what happened last year? That will be discussed in a future entry.

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 6, 2012
Maliheh’s second to last email is appearing as not picked up. Why am I not surprised? And why do I think it never will be? I think she’s either going to ignore it or disable cookies when she goes to retrieve it.

That’s ok. Unless she was abducted by aliens and she can prove it, we’re done.

Lost 1.2 of the 3 pounds I gained for my birthday on all that Chinese food. I probably had 3000 calories that day, something I probably only do once every other year. I ate and I ate and I ate, but it was sooo good!

Got a voice message from Tammy and just as I started to get annoyed with my phone fanatic of a dear sister telling me to call to verify our address for packages she’s sending, she said I could leave the info on FB if I wanted to. I definitely prefer that to phones. It’s not only easier, but why use minutes on the cell and risk the call being dropped on the other phone when it’s sooo much easier to do it on FB, and at no additional cost? Besides, we always end up chatting for like forever, and next thing I know I’ve neglected whatever I had planned to do. I’ll call her in 6 months to a year, LOL. With the convenience of online communications that’s all I really need phone-wise these days anyway.

I’m looking forward to whatever it is she’s sending and am sure I’ll love it all! So will Tom.

Later…

Well, well, I was wrong. Maliheh picked up my shame-on-you-for-forgetting-my-birthday message 2 hours ago. But of course I haven’t gotten any reply. Went and changed her pro pic and cover pic on FB, too. Oh, but she doesn’t use FB, right? Seems she once told me she only uses it to see who’s died. She must expect an awful lot of people to be dying then.

Molly’s back. She viewed my blog, but no time registered on my tracker and I don’t think she asked any of the questions I was asked anonymously on Ask. She’s still at Marbridge, though.

Been getting hit with spam like crazy. I still can’t figure out where it’s coming from or who’s doing it. Hopefully, they’ll realize soon enough that they aren’t going to get anything from me and will back off.

Tom ordered the Waterpik which should be a much easier solution to flossing.

Life is going tremendously well for us, but since it’s in my nature to be a complainer no matter what’s going on, let me say that it really annoys me when people say something like, “Your life is going well. Thank God, huh?”

Ok, so I know that “thank God” is a commonly used figure of speech. I use it too, at times. But some people seem to take that quite literally, and while this doesn’t offend me, it does annoy me. They’re thanking the wrong person if that’s what they think. Let’s give credit where it’s due, folks. God’s not the one who gets up at 4am to slave his ass off for 10 hours each day. My husband is. God may’ve influenced the job his way and the good pay and benefits and all that since it’s only reasonable to assume that if He can curse us, He can bless us, and vice versa, but it’s my husband who actually does the work, folks.

Also, my online jobs are done by me. Not God. God doesn’t throw me on my treadmill and scissor my little legs back and forth for a half-hour at a time. I do. He doesn’t clean our kitchen or wash our laundry either. Get what I’m saying, folks? It took a long time to get to where we are today, but it’s us who worked hard to achieve the goals we have already achieved and will continue to achieve.

I’m really worried about Alison. First it was her cancer and now it’s depression and money issues. That girl just can’t seem to get a break in life. Now she might be breaking up with Dustin. It’s sad that she blames herself for everything. Dustin and others can’t be perfect, can they? And can she really be all that bad? I don’t think so. It’s just sad to see such a nice, smart person be so miserable. This is the type of misery crazy assholes like Kim deserve. Who knows, maybe she is miserable deep down. Isn’t that why she wants to be anybody but herself?

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 5, 2012
I’m so fucking pissed right now, so you might not want to read this if you can’t handle foul moods very well. It’s like something up there is determined to punish me for having such a good day yesterday.

I was hoping I could go one week – just one lousy week – pain-free. But now my ear is acting up again. It’s like God decided years ago I must, must, MUST live most of my life in pain. Why can’t I just be as crazy as Kim and have MPD instead? Crazy doesn’t hurt. Then I could have fun being all these different people and do it without the pain.

First it’s my ear acting up again, then it’s Kim, then email issues. Tom suspects Hotmail may’ve blocked mail.com on account of spam. This wouldn’t surprise me since they do get kind of spammy. Believe me, it’s frustrating being spammed by your own email provider! So I created a Hotmail account, which I’ll use to send stuff to Andy. I couldn’t even send one from mail.com to my new Hotmail account.

So I still have to deal with my ear, get new glasses, and I feel like we’re NEVER going to get out of here. If I have to keep going to all these doctors it could really eat up our savings. Most things are covered by our insurance, but still, things add up. We’ve already had to get a lot of shit we needed, and then there were the dental expenses. This was enough of a setback as it is. I’m back to thinking our best bet is to just settle for an old expando which will give us 200-300 more square feet and an extra half-bath, rather than wait till we can get a newer doublewide. Again, life isn’t about getting what you want. It’s about making the best of what you can get. I just don’t want to be here another year or two and I know the bastard above is going to see to it that I don’t get shit from my parents!

The new antennae will be here soon so we can use the hotspot when they disconnect us at night and early in the morning like they won’t stop doing.

Then I check in on Ask and get: You recently added me on Facebook, can I ask your advice on something?

Even though the “question” reeked of Kim I thought I’d go and check my friend list just in case it wasn’t to see who I recently added. Sure enough, the skitzo is on my friend list!!! I quickly went from annoyed to seriously creeped out. I did NOT add her. Then I became angry to think that she had full-fledged access to my profile for God knows how long, including my friends. I tried to remember the last time I viewed my friend list. It wasn’t too long ago, but not too recent either. That was when I realized that she probably reactivated an old account she had deactivated to keep an eye on me. This is someone who’s created dozens of accounts both in her name and in the names of the celebrities she impersonates. Thank you, Alter So and So, for being dumb enough to tip me off like that! It was probably an alter that also tried to tell me about a week ago that she created an account to spy on me and how Kim is such a bad person and all that. So the nutjob has this alter that tries to protect me from her real self, and well, it’s crazy. Just crazy. I looked up her name and deleted any suspicious accounts I found, including one that was created 19 hours ago.

I also found other friends I’d long since deleted. Some of them anyway, and I wonder if a Facebook glitch could be involved as well. I’m so sick of issues with Facebook that if it weren’t for Nane I’d shut down in a heartbeat. In fact, I’m thinking of shutting it down, then recreating a new account that can’t be looked up. Then I could just re-add my top friends. I try to keep my friend count down there so that’d be easy enough to do if the account was ever hacked, and it also makes sharing posts easier. It’s easier to sort through a list of 50 friends as opposed to 150 friends if I post something I don’t want to share with everybody. She’s still on a mutual friend’s list, though, from what I know. So if I re-friend that friend from a new account, the troll will see me on her friend list. I’d have to create one with a bogus name and I hate the idea of that. I really don’t want to be anyone other than who I am.

I was remembering back on how a friend and I would get so annoyed when Kim would ask us the same damn questions on Ask that we knew had already been asked and answered. Back then I took it for her not caring enough to pay attention. Now I wonder if it were in fact her alters that would ask the questions, and then she, the real Kim, would fail to remember it.

“But how could you be all these different people and not remember them?” I had asked Tom. “It isn’t an act or them just pretending?”

“No, it’s a mental disease,” Tom told me, and when I think about it – really think about it – no actress is that good. Especially one who seems as dumb as Kim.

Kim’s behavior highly suggests she has MPD, but I’m no expert and I never met the nut in person. I have no idea what her childhood was even like, though I’ve read that MPD is often the result of childhood sexual abuse. This doesn’t excuse her behavior, though. She needs serious help. But what’s scary is that I don’t think there’s anyone to take charge and put a stop to her behavior like there was in Molly’s case. Yes, Molly’s parents were enablers for a while, but they also have custody of her even though she’s an adult, and finally realized she needed more than just a few days in the funny farm. But who’s got custody of Kim? No one, I don’t think. Therefore, there’s no one to control her actions as far as I know. Kim and her many alters are free to harass anyone they want, whenever they want… until her “innocent” questions become actual threats.

I’ll be waiting when they do, Kim, Janet, Millie, or whoever the hell you are right now when you read this.

I slept forever. Something like 13 hours, though I woke up several times along the way, once to go pee. I needed it, though. I was pretty exhausted. Then I get up to find yesterday’s Chinese feast put me up not 1, not 2, but 3 pounds! It’s scary to think I could gain 20 pounds a week if I ate like that every day of my life, but I will lose it over the week. I’ve decided that losing a lot of weight isn’t worth giving up my Sunday pig-out sprees, so like Tom said, I was never that big anyway. I’ll stay where I am. Then if I find those sports bras I love so much at Target, I won’t have to turn around and get a smaller size 6 months to a year later. So I shall eat on weekends, run it off during the week, and back and forth.

Nane apologized and left a nice photo on my wall wishing me a nice day. I told her I forgave her cuz I knew she was busy cleaning up the soup I spilled, hahahaha.

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 4, 2012
It’s been a fun birthday. A little strange knowing that my parents aren’t going to call, assholes or not, but I had a fun day and got lots of nice birthday wishes on my Facebook wall. I’m a little surprised Nane forgot, but she did leave a message saying she was sorry about Julien. He was the only rat she ever liked cuz she thought he was so cute, LOL. Nothing from Maliheh so far today either. Gee, what a surprise, huh? It pretty much tells me who my real friends are.

Back when we used to chat regularly she said she hated people bugging her if they hadn’t heard from her in months. I remember wondering at the time if she knew she planned on doing just that and taking off for months at a time. Just a feeling I had. Yet she would always insist that just because I didn’t hear from her for a while didn’t mean she wasn’t still my friend. Despite what she’d say, I’d always feel like the quiet spells were deliberate. Like she was teasing me by having me wait on her and hoping I’d be wondering if she’d dumped me or something. Then she would email me and promise not to stay away so long the next time even though she sometimes would. Well, I’m sorry but while her words said one thing her actions said otherwise, and actions speak louder than words, don’t they? If my gut is telling me she’s either playing games or her heart simply isn’t in our “friendship,” can I really be that off? She may not be a social butterfly anymore than I am or into chatting for hours every single day and all that, but I just don’t feel like she’s much of a friend anymore. I just thought that if she didn’t want to be friends anymore, she’d at least have the decency to say why.

What I’m not sure about is how much of it was just an act on her part. I would think that at least a little part of her started off being somewhat into the friendship, but I still think she befriended me under false pretenses, for the most part, to keep her name out of my book.

She’d have some excuse or reason why I didn’t hear from her for so long that seemed believable, then she’d make me feel special when we talked and like she was really into our friendship, promising to write more often and all that, but then we’d go right back to the long stretches of silence.

Game’s over, hun. I’m not 25 anymore. That means I have more self-respect and less tolerance. I’m not interested in anyone who isn’t interested in me. I don’t have any hard feelings, though, and I’m glad for the time we had, but I’m not about to try to make someone be my friend who obviously doesn’t want my friendship. It’s a matter of respecting myself. If I’m not good enough for you, you’re not good enough for me. There are too many other people out there who actually want to keep in touch with me more than just a few times a year. I just can’t get into the idea of caring about those that don’t care about me. She never even gave a shit when my mother died, and I know she opened my emails.

Got up nearly two hours before I originally planned, so I wasn’t tired or anything. Cementing in the new bridge took no time at all and I’m already used to it. It almost felt kind of full in that area, but after an hour or so it was like I had my old tooth back again! It looks exactly like a real tooth! She said it will last 15-20 years or longer and I can eat anything as usual. There was no 24-hour waiting period or anything.

From what Tom read, we were wrong in how they’re made. We thought she was drilling little holes in the sides of the surrounding teeth to hook the bridge too, but she was actually grinding the teeth down like they do with actresses who get their teeth capped. No wonder the drilling took so damn long the last time and I was like, come on, lady! How long can it take to drill a couple of tiny holes? No wonder she never mentioned doing something about the little black dot of decay on the side of one tooth. She knew she was going to grind it away. Anyway, the bridge is “capped” over the teeth at the sides. I was amazed that it only took seconds to cement it in and then to cure it. I never knew they could just put a fake tooth in place of one that was lost!

As promised, I gave her a printed copy of my win list and she was pretty wowed by it.

I don’t have to start the last of the work (cleaning and a few fillings) till next year. We had to pay $500 of the $2100 the bridge cost because we maxed out the benefits for the year. So far I’ve had about 4K in much-needed and much overdue dental work, but we’ve paid less than a grand so far in total. It is SO nice to be able to eat and drink without pain. No more hot and cold foods/drinks stinging like hell! The relief and gratitude I feel toward ending 8 years of dental misery are beyond belief! Once they’re cleaned and whitened, I’ll take pics. I’m just so, so grateful to Tom and his great benefits and to the wonderful lady who ended my pain. That in itself is a WONDERFUL birthday present. I can eat crunchy foods now too, with no pain! Oh, I’m practically in tears of joy! Life is so good and I’m so happy. For the longest time after a workout, I’d want an ice-cold drink, but would have to drink room-temperature beverages because it simply hurt too much. But old habits take time to die. It’s going to take some getting used to the idea of being able to eat on the right side again. Yes, yes, it really is safe to do that now! It won’t hurt. Even rice was a no-no for a while because the pieces would get lodged within the cavities. Just so, so grateful that the potentially dangerous – even fatal – busted up ugly, greenish-black stub of a tooth is gone forever!

We forgot to ask if I could use a Waterpik instead of having to floss. Tom read they have some for those with bridges. He’s going to call and ask tomorrow and give them the new cell number.

It’s my birthday yet here I am going on and on about my teeth, LOL. Well, not even God is going to stop me from keeping up on them and taking care of them regularly from now on. He’ll have to go find a new whipping boy cuz even my ear has been better. :)

Kim is one crazy, brazen fuck that simply does NOT get it. She’s asking both Andy and I “questions” and I can’t believe she hasn’t read the message I left on MD saying: This is your final warning from me, Jodi S, demanding that you leave me alone. I don’t want to hear from you on any site in any manner or for any reason. Not as Kim, not as “Janet,” not as “Millie,” not as “Cady,” not as anyone. Neither do my friends.

If you continue to contact me online, I will ignore you but the police won’t. They will be monitoring and documenting any and all contact I may receive from you. If you do not stop with the unwanted contact, you WILL eventually be charged and prosecuted. Ask yourself this, Kim - is that what you want?

Nothing’s going to scare this sick bitch off. Nothing. I’m sick of her trying to insert herself into mine and Andy’s lives. Next thing you know she’ll be contacting me on other sites and coming at me from bogus accounts. Or will she? So far she seems to only do things in anonymity. But I know the birthday wishes and questions about if I ever feel worthless or give good advice came from her. She asked Andy the advice question too, along with one about his imaginary tour.

After the dentist, Tom took me to a Chinese restaurant here in Auburn we’d never been to before. I opted for takeout so I could feast off my goodies for the rest of the day and night and so I got shrimp fried rice, cheese-filled crab puffs, and barbecued spareribs. Tom’s not big on Chinese, but he did enjoy some ribs. I was never into chow mein or eggrolls, but I love almost anything else that isn’t spicy. The food was excellent. There were HUGE pieces of shrimp in the rice, which I’m glad to say doesn’t include many carrots, and the rib meat was so tender, too. The rats love nibbling on the bones and munching on fortune cookies. They even enclosed a teabag. It was well worth the $20 or so it all cost.

Even the propane turned out to be a good deal today because it’s pretty cheap for this time of year. About $200 for 100 gallons instead of close to $300. This is due to it being warmer and gas being cheaper. You know you’re in a warmer climate when you see little flies and gnats in December! We left the money order under the tank’s cap and they refilled us while we were out. We could tell they were here when we pulled back in cuz of the tire tracks left in the mud. So that’s one less thing I have to worry about disturbing my sleep (it’s going to be so nice not having to struggle to get to sleep or get up at a set time for a while). I said to Tom, “You know propane is cheaper cuz we’re doing well. If we were broke it’d be freezing out and cost us much more.” Life does seem to work that way. You get breaks when you least need them, though we still appreciate them anyway.

Tom got another $50 Target GC and insists on spoiling me with the now $100 worth of Target cards he got for bonuses at work. We decided to bump the shopping spree up to real early this weekend when the stores will be less crowded.

Also, I’m not going to keep sharing blog entries on FB cuz it’s such a pain. I was quite touched by the feedback someone left saying my writing was very “mature” and “interesting” and that I should publish it in the form of a book as well as a journal, LOL. They also asked for ways to get their writing like mine. Again, this is very flattering, but I have had NO formal training whatsoever. There are tips and pointers available online, but I’ve never taken any writing classes. Not yet anyway. I learned most of what I know through the examples set by other authors. Still wish I could improve, though.

Still can’t get an email through to Andy. It appears his email provider has blocked mine. I could get one through from MO, but I really don’t like their email setup, so we’re going to stick to FB. If that gets to be a pain he’ll just have to go to my blog.

Gotta get to the mail place soon to pick up our mail. Not much else going on other than moving the rats to one of the bigger cages. They love the extra space!

MONDAY, DECEMBER 3, 2012
I have been asked to share copies of my blog posts on FB, so I’ll share some of them.

I still can’t decide if I want to continue updating my MD blog and disallow anonymous questions on Ask or not. I don’t want to give my crazy, stalking troll any more avenues in which to contact me than she already has, but I also don’t want to feel like she’s controlling me either. The only thing I will do for sure that I have no doubts about whatsoever is keep my friend list hidden and my posts for friends only. Her picking on me is one thing, but reaching out to my friends and harassing me through harassing them is another. So I will definitely do all I can to protect them! Fortunately, it doesn’t bother Andy that she’s latched onto him on Ask, but it bothers me. It’s just one more way for her to try to force her existence upon me and rub her presence in my face, and I don’t like it one bit. But no matter what I say, nothing seems to get rid of her. She’ll disappear for a week or two and then it’s right back to the usual shit. I’ve tried everything I can think of. Asking her nicely to please leave me alone, bashing her, scaring her, laughing at her, ridiculing her…but she just won’t go away. She’s so crazy that there’s just no reasoning with her, and I don’t know how much awareness of right from wrong the nut even has. She must have at least some sense and not be totally stupid because she avoids my blogs that are tracked.

The only thing that’s changed is that instead of asking mean, rude questions on Ask, now it’s simple things like, “How are you?” and “Sorry your rat died” and “I’ll miss your my-diary updates” and “I’m sorry for everything” and stuff like that as if we were old buddies and all was just peachy. If it weren’t for Aly I’d never know that “Janet” was her asking how I was and all that. I guess Janet and Millie are the nut’s top two alters.

I am thinking of sharing copies once again on LJ. I thought it was a glitch on their part and that that was why some of the graphics disappeared there. Then it hit me that I had hot-linked them in from MO, then deleted them on MO. So of course they’d disappear!

Been getting scattered views from Freehold, NJ. Isn’t that where Polly is?

People are already starting to wish me a happy birthday which is nice. Now let’s see if Maliheh and Nane remember.

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 2, 2012
Getting backed up in my writing so I guess I better catch up!

Got a new white rat with very faint markings today, and the pet store was kind enough to give Sugar to us free of charge. We gave them Julien’s receipt and papers and explained what happened. They only had two rats left and I wanted one with contrasting colors to King Romeo’s dark shiny fur. The vanilla and chocolate duo complement each other nicely, and of course Romeo was thrilled to have a new roommate. Already he was beginning to get depressed being by himself.

Sugar is absolutely amazing and I mean amazing! Very calm and friendly. We already got some good shots of him. Most rats are nervous on their first day in a new home and don’t want to eat or drink much, much less socialize and explore. But he never runs from us and has been all over the cage, eating, drinking and playing with his older buddy. You would think he’s been here for weeks, LOL.

Tom also got bonus cash at work so that’s what he used to get the new electronics. The tablet, iPod, cell and hotspot. The net is tremendously faster with the hotspot. I could watch a YouTube video in one tab while playing another music video in another. I couldn’t even get just one to stream without it having to stop and buffer every other second. But due to how expensive it is we can’t use it as a replacement. We could afford it just fine, but it would slow down our savings. It will be mostly as a backup for when our regular connection cuts out or we want to do something that requires speed. sighs Really wish we were out of here already and back on cable.

So why are there so many immature people these days? Really, I’m almost embarrassed for some of these 60-year-olds I see responding to people’s posts online! Young at heart is one thing, being immature and childish is another.

3 of 4 messages I sent to Andy bounced, but his email account doesn’t seem to have been compromised like I feared it might’ve been, so I don’t know what’s going on.

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 1, 2012
Decided to be a little more private for now. I let my Facebook friends know that if for some reason they are absolutely 100% adamantly against going to MyOpera, tell me so on Facebook and I will personally message them copies of my journal entries there if they’d like.

I’m also doing it to piss Kim off. She’ll have her “sources” go to my other blog or have to remember to disable cookies, but I’m sure she won’t appreciate the inconvenience. Someone asked how Nane was doing yesterday on Ask and I wonder if it was her. Who else would ask that?

Later…

Beat the alarm by 10 minutes yesterday, but today I not only didn’t beat it but was tired as well. That’s because I lost an hour of sleep along the way. One of the side effects of melatonin is that it can cause you to wake up often, sometimes for more than just a few minutes. And I’m pretty sure it is melatonin that’s in this Neuro Sleep drink. I only had a third of the bottle, too. Had to get up and pee and then take a few more swallows to eventually get back to sleep. Tonight, if I don’t fall asleep at a reasonable hour, since I’ll probably perk up around 6pm, I’ll go with Benadryl instead. Fortunately, I only have a few more days of this.

I thought I’d be too tired to work out, but I managed after I compromised with myself and cut the strength training out and just stuck to the cardio. I was a little hungry today too, due to losing more weight, so I had to have my main meal earlier than usual.

Nothing really exciting as far as dreams go. Just that I was living alone down in L.A. which was weird.

Lotta folks got a kick out of the dream I recently had of me visiting Nane and screwing up everything when she took me to assist her at work. LOL, it was funny. My dream self was horrified with embarrassment at how badly I kept fucking things up. Andy said I should throw it in a story. It would make for a funny scene. Maybe I should’ve thrown it in A Rainbow in Munich. Then Rainbow could’ve really rung Nadja through the wringer.

Andy really threw me for a loop with his reaction to my telling him Tom lost 50 pounds. He was all shocked and saying how skinny he was and all that and I’m thinking to myself, 238 isn’t that skinny, and that’s when I realized my typos, hahaha.

I’m too tired to write anymore right now. I’d like to at least go lie down for a while. Maybe I’ll do another post later.

Got an “I’m sorry for everything” that no doubt came from Kim. Again, it’s like she’s trying to impersonate Molly, who seems to have dropped off the face of the earth. If this were really Molly, Aly and I would see/hear from her on other sites as well. It’s just Kim and her bullshit games. She’s NOT sorry for shit. She’ll be back to pestering me soon enough. Just like Molly would when she would apologize.

Later…

Poor Julien. He died earlier tonight. He had trouble breathing in the pet store but we thought that once we got him home he’d be ok. He seemed to start getting better, though he wasn’t growing or eating much. We began to wonder if maybe he was taken from his mother too soon and his lungs hadn’t had a chance to fully develop.

Yesterday we both handled him and he seemed like a changed rat all of a sudden cuz as soon as I put him back in his house, he wanted to come back out. Romeo, of course, being the jealous, mischievous little fella that he is, would nudge my hand away and nip at me playfully, trying to steal the attention. Cute albeit annoying at times.

Tonight he started acting weird as hell. Most rats won’t simply sit and cuddle with you. They’re just too animated and high-strung. They like to explore, play and be active. But Julien kept biting the bars of the cage like he was desperate to try to chew his way out. He even tried to squeeze through the feed hole. So I kept taking him out and he would sit calmly in my arms, and then resume his desperate attempts to escape when I’d place him back in his cage. I’d offer him food, but he wouldn’t take it.

Then he started convulsing right in front of us and was dead in just seconds. It was the weirdest thing. Tom looked online and found that what likely happened was that he had a bacterial infection of some kind in his lungs and it caused a blood clot to the brain or heart. Once that happens to an animal or a person, it’s over in minutes, if even that.

It was so sad, cuz even though we’d only had him for just a week, Romeo loved having a roommate after living alone for 3 weeks, and he was turning out to be such a sweetie. Where Romeo is rambunctious, Julien was mellow.

It was sweet of Mary to grieve the little furball with me and for her wall posts. She’s a very compassionate soul. I heard from Andy and Sharyn, too. Meanwhile, baby Julien will be buried in the morning next to Tinkerboy before I get up at 10am. I suggested Tom not put him in anything like with Tinkerboy so he “goes away” faster, making it less likely that the fucking mutts will dig him up. He’ll put some large rocks on the grave, too.

In the afternoon we’ll look for a new roommate for Romeo so he doesn’t get depressed.

I have other things to write about, but I’m pretty beat so I’m going to call it a night.

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Last updated August 15, 2024