November 2012 in 2010s

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 30, 2012
Nothing from Kim. Gee, what a surprise. Not sure how long it’ll last, though.

Washed the sheets and next, I should do the bathroom. Maybe later. Right now I want to get in some writing. I’ve been working and working out and I just want to do something I can do sitting down for a while.

Tom got a $50 Target card as a bonus at work! That’s where he’s taking me on my birthday, as well as other places, though we decided to put the hair salon on hold. I not only want it to get a little longer before I add the long layers I’d like to have, but I have a busy enough day that day as it is between the dentist, possibly going out to eat, etc.

Tammy left a message updating me on her life. Poor girl’s been stressed and depressed but started a part-time job at a hospice, so this tells me her health can’t be too bad. I sure hope not anyway!

Her youngest girls are having a rough time now with health issues. Sarah slipped in a grocery store and now her ankle is in an air cast. I sent her a quick message as I did with Becky who replied with a quick “thank you,” but she hasn’t picked it up yet.

I had a close call myself a while back that could’ve left me badly hurt. My right foot began to slip on the wet floor causing me to go down into what was almost the perfect case of the splits. But thanks to all the working out I do I was able to catch myself before my ass hit the floor and pull myself back up into a standing position.

While I was delighted to hear Tammy’s sending packages out, which will include birthday and Christmas presents, she really didn’t have to do that. I let her know that Tom and I usually just send ecards for events like that but to let me know if there’s something in particular she’d like. Still, her generosity is greatly appreciated.

This will be my first birthday with my parents dead and gone. Assholes or not, it sure is weird.

As I told her, life is going so, so very well for us now. I still cringe at the thought of being here another year and I know there’s going to be some major problems with this old dump before we can escape it, but every time I get frustrated with the wait, I remind myself – first class. We’re going first class. No more bummy old, little dives! This place would be fine space-wise if it was just one person or two people without all the shit we have since it’s only a little smaller than the apartment I had on Woodside in Springfield, but we do have a lot of stuff. A lot of money too, but not enough to go first class just yet. But we are happy, healthy and losing weight. Eating less food more often is making a huge difference in my metabolism. Tom’s lost 50 pounds and I want to lose 25-45.

So much for thinking the rain would keep the Jes pest away. Why the hell did he have to waste his time and gas coming down here to ask if we had any leaks, something I worry about all the time in this ancient little trailer when we can just call him if we do? It was ok since I was wide awake and saw his truck come down and neither of us had to go out in the rain, but I still wish he’d learn to use the phone! If I’d been asleep I would’ve been pissed. He mentioned doing the roof again like he’s been saying for two years now. I know God’s not going to let us escape that excursion, so since we’ll still be here when he does it, it sure would be nice to be on vacation when it happens.

Once we got settled in here after 8 months of motels I swore I’d never go anywhere again and that I didn’t ever want to travel beyond just going from one room to another. But after being here since April of 2008 with no breaks, I’m definitely ready for a change, if only for a week. Only these days I prefer to vacation in other countries since I’ve pretty much been everywhere I care to go in this country other than Hawaii, and that’s still a possibility. It’s a toss-up between that and Mexico. Tom’s already been to Mexico, but Hawaii is just another state in the US. Bet it wouldn’t feel that way, though, just like it didn’t feel like we were in what is a part of the US when we were in Puerto Rico.

Ponce, Puerto Rico. Damn, I loved it there! I’d hate to live there, though. Too many people. Then again, my favorite language is still Spanish and I love the weather there.

Speaking of “feeling,” we were talking about how our manufactured home in Arizona felt like a real house as many new models are built like real houses. In this old heap of shit, I don’t feel like I’m in a house, but I don’t feel like I’m in a trailer. To me, a trailer is something on wheels that’s bouncy. This thing came in on wheels, but it’s been set on stands and blocks. I’d say it has a more cottage-like feel. In some ways, even the dump we rented in Oregon did too, but that was a definite house. It was built on-site and had an attic.

Nane’s so sweet. She took the time to drop me a line while on break and wish me a nice weekend after telling me to hug the rats for her. LOL, will do. She also got a kick out of one of the dreams I had of her where I came to visit her but she had to work one of those days, so I accompanied her to work. The plan was to be her assistant for the day, but I just could not do a damn thing right to save my life! First I accidentally knocked a big stack of papers off the corner of her desk, then I busted through a chair I sat on, then I was bringing her soup for lunch, tripped and spilled it all over the place. She finally threw me into a small room with a computer and told me to write a story, LOL.

I also dreamed that it became free to call anywhere in the world, so we started talking like every other month. That would make for a nice dream premonition in the end. :)

Lastly, she sent me a sweater with German writing on it. All I remember was “Mein und…” I love it when I dream in other languages, even if it’s only a word or two.

This winter’s rain has really been making up for last winter’s drought. The frogs are croaking up a storm and I’m sure some will come to visit us soon enough. Maybe not, though. I think the only reason we had some last year was due to the dryness and so they were in desperate search of water.

Ooh, Tom’s home early today! But he still has to work tomorrow.

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 29, 2012
Aly and I suspect Kim may be leaving her alone due to her working with the FBI. Therefore, we both agreed that without mentioning her name, I’d hint at her being able to help me with the “sick twist that’s been stalking, pestering and following me from site to site.” I said that my friend told me more about her job, and being with the FBI, she is actually obligated to report any wrongdoings she may see, even if she doesn’t personally know the people involved.

This much is true, too. She does background checks on online pervs and perps, etc.

It was so obvious that she was pretending to be Molly on Ask earlier asking “why do you write about me i don’t do nothing wrong to you” and “i want to play with your rats and be your friend.”

She hit Andy with, “This is Cady. Why is Jodi so mean to me?”

Again, classic Molly, but definitely not Molly. Molly not only doesn’t pretend to be other people, but she also hasn’t been around anywhere at all lately, and I haven’t written about her lately either.

sighs Such a shame when one hates themselves so damn much they pretend to be everyone but themselves.

Tom had fun setting up and playing with the new cell, hotspot and tablet last night after work, though I haven’t used it yet. I didn’t see him this morning because I slept till 7:00 and didn’t beat the alarm. But I wasn’t that tired when it went off.

Got my new Turbie Twist towels, too. It’s so nice to have new ones with nice new elastics, even if they’re all just plain white.

Nane had me cracking up earlier. Although she’d probably hate to admit it, there’s no denying I’ve gotten her to see rats in a whole new light, LOL. She thinks Julien’s a real cutie and agrees Romeo looks soft and shiny that even she’d like to play with him. Bad “starter rat,” though, as nippy as he gets when he gets playful. He got his first real taste of freedom last night, so I’m sure that when the nocturnal naughty gets up later on, it will be fidgeting at its door in anticipation of being let out.

Decided to drop LiveJournal because it is too glitchy, too slow, and too full of forced change. I didn’t turn it private or dump it, though. It’s just going to sit there. I have commenting disabled so it doesn’t get spammed.

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 28, 2012
Lots of wind, rain, peace and quiet today. It’s to go on all week.

Touched base with my usual round of friends, including my German hottie and Phillip. I miss the hell out of him. He asked what was up with me, saying mom would never give any info. Really? You mean the blabbermouth that told the whole damn town of Longmeadow that I jumped out a window wouldn’t even tell him the basics? Wow, just wow.

I shouldn’t be surprised, though. I don’t remember who it was but one time I was talking to someone she knew and the subject of my knowing Spanish came up. I was a bit surprised when this person was surprised to learn this. I had figured they already knew I spoke Spanish since most mothers would be quick to tell their friends that their daughter taught herself a language, right? Wrong. I remember feeling a bit hurt that she hadn’t been told about it, but hey, it was something Dureen couldn’t relate to herself and it wasn’t anything she had any interest in personally, so should I really have been all that surprised?

My furry boys are so damn cute when they play! Rats love to wrestle with each other, especially the males.

Our new hotspot should be set up and tested today or tomorrow. Don’t know if it’ll work or how much faster it will be, but we’ll be finding out soon enough. Either way, I can’t return to sweeping till next year. If I win a grand or something it would throw us into the next tax bracket and mess things up for us. After my teeth are taken care of and we get our next round of propane, we’ll have a better idea of where we stand. I just know we’ll be here a long time to come since we decided to get something newer, nicer and bigger. We will want to have 15-25 grand when it finally does come time to move depending on exactly what we get. My dreams already told me the place would cost 12K. They also told me Nane isn’t a nail-biter. I had a dream she was talking with someone who was nervous about something and she said she was never in the habit of biting her nails. I asked if that were true, and nope. She bites her lip instead when nervous.

I was hesitant to make this next part public, not wanting to give a certain very sick asshole the attention she craves, but fuck it. It’s my journal.

Fucking Kim just won’t leave me alone on Ask! Every week or two she fucks with me directly or indirectly and now it seems she very well may be impersonating friends. Is there no end to just who this skitzo will impersonate?

While I was able to verify that Kim does indeed have a friend named Jackie, I don’t believe anymore that the person who contacted me on Ask saying they were Jackie and wanted to give me her email address cuz she wanted to talk to me, was actually Jackie. I think it was really Kim.

Same with the person who’s been contacting me saying they were in Tennessee. They said we never actually spoke but they were told about me and I live an interesting life and all that stuff. They said they were a friend of a friend who lives in Philly whose first name begins with a K. I thought of Kaylyn and while she used to live in PA, it wasn’t Philly that she lived in. I honestly can’t think of any friends I have that live in Philly. I did, however, find out that Kim has a friend in Tennessee and alerted her as to what’s going on. She said she felt bad for her that she’s that bored and miserable. Well, I don’t. Not at this point what with how out of hand things have gotten. Enough is enough! Sure I’m sorry if Kim was severely abused as a child and about whatever head disease she may possess that’s making her so crazy. But Kim is a grown adult now. She should know right from wrong. And just like I had to tell the other troll for so long, NO CONTACT MEANS NO CONTACT! I do NOT want to hear from this nut on any site or for any reason!

Whoever it was that said they were scared of Kim, regretted having anything to do with her, and asked how to deal with her craziness, was probably Kim, too. Especially since the questions quickly changed from that to, “How do you know when you’re crazy?” and shit like that.

As soon as I mentioned her TN friend this morning, she quit bothering me. For now anyway. Is she really that stupid not to know I’ll eventually figure her games out? I guess so! Yeah, you fucktard – and I know you’re reading this – I will eventually find out it’s you when you harass me wherever.

Really, why is she doing this to me month after month? Why is it so damn hard for her to move on? She obviously does have other friends, so why can’t she focus on them? She’s proven to have a deep-seated hatred for me. So then why would she want anything to do with me? Aren’t we supposed to naturally want to ignore and avoid those we don’t like?

But sadly, and also like the other troll, she hasn’t actually done anything illegal. She hasn’t threatened me (yet) or anything, and unfortunately, the laws of the streets haven’t quite caught up with the laws online. It’s not like I can file a cyber restraining order.

This is a very sick, twisted individual who obviously has way too much time on her hands. I doubt her entourage of shrinks and therapists even realize what her online behavior is like.

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 27, 2012
I later got, “How do you deal with a crazy person,” and “How do you know when you’re crazy?” and “Do you ever wonder if you’re crazy?” and “Do trolls know they’re trolls?” and “Who’s crazier, you or Andy?”

So I’d say that no, it’s no one that’s been victimized by Kim. It’s just Kim. Just plain old crazy Kim. As I’ve said a thousand times, I can’t believe it. I just can’t believe it. Had I known for a minute she’d turn out this way and that she was this crazy and another obsessed stalker same as Molly, I never would’ve bothered with her, or I’d have at least let her go quietly instead of confronting her. Sometimes it’s those you least expect to be the crazy ones. Back when we were friends, as strange, slow, dumb and annoying as she could be, I’d never have guessed she’d end up pestering me like this every week or two.

Slept better last night cuz I took a Benadryl instead of that Neuro Sleep drink which caused me to wake up a lot during the night. It must contain melatonin. I got a little sneezy yesterday anyway, which tells me that slacking off on the nasal spray wasn’t such a good idea. It’s a preventative thing, so I gotta take it regularly if I don’t want allergy attacks.

I was only slightly chilly with the blanket and no fan. If I just open the vent before bed I should be fine without comforters, and Tom’s just fine with just a sheet pulled over him. We set the heat to come on between 70° and 72°. After today we’ve got a few days of rain headed our way.

We were shredding papers with sensitive material and I gave a bundle to the rats to nest in. They just love it.

My wonderful hubby is taking me to a salon for the first time in over 20 years for my birthday (and shopping) after I have my dental bridge installed. I need my hair relayered. For most of my life, I kept my hair one length and it would range between my waist and thighs. I’d only cut it every 4-5 years. I learned that the best way to avoid a bad cut (and save money) is to not bother. But now I’m sporting a shorter, layered look. It’s time to dye it again, too.

Nane suggested Strähnchen (highlights) but I don’t think those look good on curly hair.

I’m doing a variation of the Special K diet that is much easier to stick to. I eat less but more often and that helps keep the hunger down and my metabolism up. Plus a half-hour on the treadmill and 10-20 min. of arm and ab work 5-6 days a week.

Oh, and before I forget - I have been quick to bash and trash the system, from my perps to their cop friend, from my “lawyer” to the judge, and all those who had a hand in trashing my life for a while all in the name of hate, spite and revenge. Well, I don’t regret doing so for it is with just cause. However, I should point out the detention officers I dealt with while I was in jail. They felt very bad for me and treated me very well, doing all they could to make my stay as comfortable as possible. They agreed that guilty or not, no one should receive the kind of sentence I did. They were very kind to me, cracked jokes, and did their best to cheer me up along the way. Just thought I would point that out.

Later…

Years ago I got this keychain with a little red laser light on it. When we lived in a duplex in Oregon in 2004, the bathroom window faced the back of another duplex occupied by a mother and daughter. The daughter was on one side, the mother was on the other. The daughter wasn’t big on privacy. Her living room windows were right in front of the bathroom window, perhaps 10-15 feet away. There were never any window coverings on the windows.

The bathroom window was in the shower wall and I had to shower with the light off when I’d wanted to crack it at night. I liked the fresh air mingling with the hot steam.

Every night the daughter would sit on her couch facing the window. Her TV was directly below it. It was all I could do to keep from getting a little laser-happy and shining it in at her, hahaha. It would’ve been beyond perfect, too! First I’d have shined it on her, startling her and making her spill her popcorn all over the place. Then there’d be a red dot spelling “hello” on the wall behind her, hahahahaha..... SO fucking funny!!!

Sure enough, there’s been no response from Maliheh, assuming she’s picked up the message I sent a few days ago. No journal entries, just a quick message asking why I haven’t heard from her since last summer. A week after my birthday I’ll message her to “thank” her for remembering. Next month I’ll give her a piece of my mind and be as done with her as she obviously is with me.

I should’ve known this would happen and that she only befriended me to get her name out of my book. I should’ve known that if she could react the way she did to my trying to be honest with her upfront about how it would probably be best if we were just friends which she took as a “Dear John” message, that she’d lead me on and dump all over me again. I should’ve listened to my gut instinct when the first red flag went up. That was when she refused to ever call me or add me on Facebook. I thought it was strange and was like, well, since we’re friends now then why wouldn’t she add me? But I let it go and figured she had her reasons. However, not using FB much was not one of them. She tried to tell me she only checked in to see who was still alive and who died. Well, she may not use it every day, but from what I can tell, she’s pretty active enough. I then thought maybe she didn’t want to have to explain to the friends I added why I was suddenly added, and while I still thought that was kind of weird, I didn’t question it much. But now I know the REAL reason she never added me. It was because she never was a true friend and she had no intentions of pretending to be my friend forever.

Those long stretches of silence she “promised” to stop were just her playing with me. She knew what she was doing. She knew she would stay away long enough to make me start to doubt her, then claim she would “always” be my friend. Well, I’m sorry, Maliheh, but you’ve gotten rather obvious!

I was always left with a nagging are-you-sure-about-that? feeling when she insisted she never prank-called me in return, directly or not, back in MA. Then recently I was reading in my 1991 journal about how one of the callers sounded like the girl she was with in the club the night we met. Even if she hadn’t, doesn’t she realize the timing was a helluva coincidence? Who else would have pranked my unlisted number back then? The crisis center? Kim and Mark? Lori H? It’s possible, but I doubt it.

I also thought it weird that she insisted it was me who kissed her on the cheek goodbye that night when it was the other way around. I clearly remember that much. The minute I walked into the club she asked me to dance. How could one NOT think someone was interested in them after they kissed them and asked them to dance? She wasn’t falling down drunk that night, but IDK, maybe she was slightly buzzed.

She may like being alone, but I think she’s also alone because she can’t maintain a relationship without not only being the bossy bitch from hell but without the damn games mixed in as well. Just like Kim likes to be other people, Maliheh obviously likes to lead people on. Maybe she doesn’t always mean to do it, though, as she apologized for my misunderstanding her once when she said we could “get closer” after such and such a time when she was really referring to getting closer to figuring out what was wrong with her health. She also did admit she wasn’t trying to draw anyone’s attention. Ok fine. She never liked me in that way in the end. I know that. I accept that. What I didn’t accept was her befriending me under false pretenses.

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 26, 2012
I got this non-carbonated drink called Neuro Sleep and it seems to help me fall asleep easier. If I could get myself to need less sleep and not be up 18 hours as often as I am, it would make holding a schedule much easier. I do seem to be getting a little less sleep-needy with age, though, so that’s good. Sometimes I still need 9 or 10 hours, but usually just 8. I very seldom sleep 12 hours, something that used to be a little more common with me when I was younger. The thing is that when I finally get around to the sleep doctor after getting my teeth taken care of and then my new glasses, they’re almost certainly not going to tell me anything I haven’t already heard. I know the tricks to slow the roll like I do when I have upcoming appointments, but it’s just not a forever thing.

Anyway, this drink helps me fall asleep after being up a reasonable and standard 16 hours, but I sure do wake up a lot along the way. Last night I slept like I do when I sleep during the daytime when he’s not around. I fell right back asleep and even beat the alarm by 10 minutes, but I don’t feel 100% rested. Close, though. Real close.

I’m just trying not to think of how we could be a few more grand ahead of where we’re at now as far as savings go if my teeth and other expenses hadn’t come up, but things do keep coming up in life no matter what.

I asked for a sign from above in my dreams as to how much longer we’ll be here, but sure enough, I got zip. I did have a hotel dream, though, I’m sorry to say. Hopefully, it’s just a possible sign saying we’ll go on vacation before the move instead of after. We have a year and a half to take the trip, but we haven’t decided yet when we’ll take it. I think we should take it ASAP, I told Tom. That has a deadline, moving doesn’t.

Andy cracked me up the other day by asking if memory foam pillows help us remember our dreams, hahaha. No, but memory foam toppers really heat you up, even this thinner one I’ve been sleeping on. So I shoved the comforter aside and threw on the fleece blanket. No one should need to sleep with fans on when the bedroom is down to 69°, so if this is enough, then we won’t have to wash the comforter next weekend as planned. We were going to wash the pretty pink one and the spare green one.

“Kim likes to spy on you on facebook she has told me so just so you know. she made an account that she can watch you on,” I get on Ask. Then, “Sorry the obsessed stalker wasted her time and energy. I now have my account set to friends only and I have deleted any public comments/likes that I can’t make friends only. I get questions like…any advice to get rid of people who are crazy in the head? And…i regret getting to know Kim she is a total nutcasewhackjob and i worry what she could do to me. And…why did you delete my question? Kim likes to spy on you. you should be very worried she is a bad person.”

My first thought was that it was really Kim. Aly, who says Kim’s been leaving her alone (really? But they were friends much longer. Maybe it’s her connection to the FBI?), says she’s never known Kim to refer to herself in the third person. This is common with MPD folks, but I guess it could be Jackie. If it were Kim or Jackie, though, why would they bash Kim and not me?

Maybe it really is someone who also learned the hard way just what Kim is all about and is being followed and harassed the same as I am. But if that were true then how does she know about me and why contact me in public? Why not contact me on Facebook and send me the link to this new account she created if she were that “concerned” for me?

Really hope it isn’t Aly fucking with me.

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 25, 2012
As much as I’d love a bigger, newer place with cable internet and drinkable tap water, and that doesn’t include the Jes pest and mutts, last night’s dream was another convincing reminder that some things just aren’t meant to be, and if we try to make them be, disaster may strike. Well, maybe not disaster, but enough unpleasant things anyway.

It was weird cuz we went from hotels to renting from Jesse to owning a place we were about to lose.

The dream started in a hotel. We decided to spend the week there and only go to the Jes pest’s place on weekends because gas became so outrageously expensive that we needed to be just a few minutes away from where Tom works. It must’ve been beyond outrageous to be able to afford to rent from the Jes pest AND stay in hotels.

There was a problem with one of the guests in the neighboring room but I was afraid to say anything at first because I didn’t want to come off as a complainer when we’d just got there. I don’t know what the problem but the manager assured me I did the right thing by finally coming forward and she was glad I did cuz it was important that she know about what they were up to.

As I was packing us up to go home for the weekend I wondered if Jesse had been looking for us during the week and wondered what he’d think when he learned we didn’t live there anymore but on weekends. Then I realized that if he really needed to get a hold of us he could just call.

So two seconds later we were back home, but it didn’t look like the Jes pest’s trailer. It was our old home in Maricopa and it was ours. My dream self knew we were about to lose it, too. We had a cat instead of rats, which was weird, cuz if I absolutely had to choose between a dog or a cat, I’d go with a dog since cats claw, jump, climb and shit indoors instead of outdoors.

Tom was on the phone and while I couldn’t hear what he was saying, his tone suggested he was having a serious talk with someone about either work or our fucked up finances.

Next thing I know the roof is made of glass and there are beautiful cherry trees in bloom and forming a canopy over it. I realized this was so because Tom hadn’t had the time or money to keep up on things like tree trimming. But it was beautiful. So beautiful that I went to hunt for the camera to take a picture. However, the light in my little office blew out when I went to flick the switch and then I realized I had to hurry to find it cuz the sun was setting fast. Instead, I broke down in a heap of tears realizing the beauty we would lose once we officially lost and left the house. End of dream.

In other words, don’t try to move cuz things will break, not work, and be lost all over again just like the last two times, right?

Not sure how we could have lost something cheaper than this, but fuck it! Just fuck it. All my life I’ve been trying to escape one place after another and it’s gotten really old. Maybe it’s time to just focus on what is good about this place instead of just what’s bad about it. It’s tiny as hell but no one lives just outside our walls, gabbing and slamming car doors and trunks, even if Jesse’s Harley more than makes up for the distance between us. I hate his mutts, but we don’t have to pay an electric bill. I hate his bulldozer and all his other loud vehicles but he’d let us split the rent if we were having a tough time. I hate how Jesse rudely drops in on us without calling first, but I can blast music here all I want. I hate all the sawing, but no one walks or drives by the place, and we’re about to do something about the shitty Internet connection even if it may cost us a pretty penny and drop our savings right along with my damn teeth.

The question is WHY is something up there trying to delay, stall and stop us from moving??? Does it not want us to own again? Is Tom right in saying it’d be like living in a cemetery, something it doesn’t want me to experience given all the noisy places I’ve been meant to live in for over 20 years? Or would it be noisy without being noisy yet still mess with my sleep, especially when I was on nights? Meaning, would there be tons of car door slamming that would wake me up or maybe landscaping? I wouldn’t have expected to hear ferociously loud sounds like Jesse makes, but you can’t have that many people clustered together, old or not, and not hear things. There wouldn’t have been motorcycles, bulldozers, dogs left outside round the clock or 5-hour basketball games, but there’d have been more sounds more often. The residents and their company would come and go several times a day, people would walk their dogs, and people would be outside gabbing with friends or on the phone or trimming bushes. So cemetery-quiet? Not likely except for at night or on very hot and rainy days.

Later…

“We can’t just go get a place for 5K simply because that’s what we have to spare right now,” Tom reminded me. “It’s very important we take our time and do it right and not settle for something that’s just going to have all kinds of problems, though I understand how frustrating staying on 6 more months to a year is if it does take that much longer.”

Yeah, we should both know, after all. The white/Jew-hating freeloaders in Phoenix taught both my husband and I just how long half a year truly is. Especially if you’re either unhappy or waiting for something. Well, we’re not unhappy, but the waiting sure does get old. Like I said, time to get comfortable and just try to look at the pros of being here. As I also said, God can hate us and not want us to get what we want, but He can’t keep us here forever. So fine. We’ll live like bums for another year, but if we must do so, it sure as hell won’t be to go to another dump in the end. No, if we’re going to be stuck here another year, it’s going to be for something nice and I mean nice. Yes, we will compensate ourselves with that much. :) I just HATE the thought of staying here another year, but I’m not gonna deny the fact that the thought of going from one dump to another did not sit well with me at all. Even a “classier” dump would’ve sucked all our money dry as we had to fix and replace things. So we’re going to make sure we have a place that’s newer, bigger, built like a real house (even though it won’t be on concrete), and that is something we can live comfortably in for a decade or more should we decide to live there forever. I want something I can be proud of, not embarrassed by or that’s going to make me feel like that’s all whatever’s up there feels we deserve. In fact, we agreed to refuse to take a place that doesn’t even have a dishwasher, but if it doesn’t, there must be space to install one as soon as we get in.

They dropped my parents’ condo down 5K. I already know it’s eventually going to wind up in foreclosure and that I’m not going to get shit so I’m not sweating it. If God had no problem with me being abused and then with not allowing my perps to be properly punished, why would He allow me to get any money from them in the end? I’m a little concerned He might have Tom laid off before we get out of here, but if worse came to worse we could jump into another tiny old single-wide for just a few grand and there’s no way we could end up in the same disaster we were in a year ago. So worst God could do is “guide” us into another piece of shit. But it’d still be ours and much cheaper than this.

I wish I could at least know the date of our move! Even if I couldn’t see where we were going, when will it happen? When???

Anyway, one of the things we’re going to do to make this place a little more livable is to get a hotspot. Don’t know if it’ll work out here or if it’ll be fast enough, but if it is, I’m going to return to sweeping. I’ll use its bandwidth for sweeping, then use our regular shit provider for other things, assuming it’s connected. Rather than get the expensive phones we’ll just get one new cell, so it’ll be $75 a month and not over $100. If we can’t use the hotspot while we’re still here, it’ll be the usual $25 a month for our slow, part-time service.

With the exception of Tom’s sore muscles from working on the car the previous day, yesterday was fun. We went to Raley’s and although it was just a simple weekly grocery trip, it was fun picking out the usual things besides some new and different things to try for variety. Glade’s Walnut Mocha air freshener smells like heaven. Airwick’s Sugar Cookie is nice, too. At one point we were in the ice cream section and just as I was telling Tom it was too cold for ice cream, the store went completely black. Then the emergency lights came on. A few minutes later the power came back on entirely. It was weird. I’ve never been in a grocery store during a power failure.

I even got some fun stuff like some shiny stickers of curly ribbons and squares in various colors and decorated the bottom of my monitor and the dresser with them.

Online I ordered a 3-pack of Turbie Twist towels for $14 since the elastic loop on mine broke a long time ago and I decided that rather than keep trying to replace it with hair elastics, I may as well turn it into a rat bed and get new ones. I’d had that one for nearly a decade anyway, and while we may not live like it at the moment, we do have lots of money.

My allergies have been much better but I can’t say if it’s due to the nasal spray or the time of year. Allergies aren’t typically a problem at this time of year, so I guess the real test will be next summer.

I have 9 more days till my bridge is put in and am going to set the alarm one hour later each day even if I get up before the alarm goes off. That way when I need extra sleep I can take it but still make it to my appointment easily enough. As long as I’m up by noon on the 4th I’ll be ok. Not that it’s possible unless they come out with a cure for my sleep disorder, but with my shit luck if I can ever keep a schedule it won’t be till I’m too old to get an outside job. Oh well. Better later than never.

Tom had to replace the laptop’s mouse cuz it kept double-clicking.

We’re back to thinking we might go to Hawaii instead of Mexico. That way we don’t have to worry about getting him a new passport and dealing with customs and all that. That can be a real pain in the ass and it kind of makes you feel like a kid all over again the way they go through your stuff.

We’re wondering if Julien’s going to make it. He’s having a lot of trouble breathing.

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 24, 2012
Julien, Romeo’s new roommate, has arrived, and Romeo is absolutely THRILLED about it, too! I’ve never seen this rat go so spastic with joy. It was so funny and so cute. After a quick walkthrough of Kmart (we didn’t buy anything) we headed over to the pet store, which stunk as usual and had a couple of obnoxious little kids in it just like 3 weeks ago when we bought Romeo. We figured that by now they’d have a new shipment of rats in. All that was with Romeo last time were two older white rats.

This time there were two brown ones like Romeo, a white one, and a couple of hooded ones. Julien stood out not only because he’s a hooded rat with a cool-looking dark stripe down his back (we didn’t want identical-looking rats), but because he seemed the calmest. I think he’s going to end up being more willing to be handled than Romeo is, though Romeo’s really warmed up to me. He wouldn’t even take food from me at first, let alone come to me.

Julien’s a lot younger than Romeo was when we got him and is half his size. I’m a little worried because he seems to be having trouble breathing, but hopefully he’ll be ok. The pair we had before Tinkerboy had the same problem at first and we didn’t think they’d make it.

We had enough food and bedding but while Tom was filling out the paperwork, I was quick to grab some wood chews for them in assorted colors and flavors. I think they’re flavored anyway. As much as I know about rats, I don’t know if they can see color, but I do know they can’t see nearly as well as they hear.

So we get Julien home, and as soon as we enter the place, Romeo barrels out of his hideaway and runs to the door of his cage like he usually does. That’s his way of greeting us and letting us know he wants attention. He’s become such a little beggar too, LOL. Then I open the door, open the box Julien’s in, and pick him up. Then I stick him in the cage and Romeo springs to life! He was like most rats in that he didn’t like living alone. We only had like 3 rats that didn’t mind going solo. Romeo dashed back and forth from sniffing and kissing Julien to hopping out to climb all over me as a way of saying, “Thanks, Mom!” LOL, he hopped in and out of the cage going back and forth from Julien to me.

I couldn’t get a picture of Julien cuz Romeo wouldn’t let me near him. Every time I’d try to take his pic Romeo would jump in the way. It was like he was telling me he didn’t want to share him at the same time he was determined to remind me who was king and who was here first.

Romeo was slow but through persistent training, we’ve been able to get him to follow simple commands and he definitely knows his name now. He’s also definitely not as skittish as he used to be, though he may never be big on cuddling up with me or following me around the place. He might have fun chasing me, though, as to them that’s a fun game. I first thought I wouldn’t be able to let this rat run around loose since I doubted I could get him to go home very easily, but I think I’ll be able to allow him more and more freedom with time. I definitely can’t be letting Julien out when he gets a little older without this one hopping out, too. When it’s just one rat they usually like to explore, but when it’s two they like to run around and have fun wrestling each other.

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 23, 2012
Our provider finally admitted online that they’re fucked up and they’re never going to get any better in this area. They simply refuse to upgrade these old wires. So, our attempt to get them to fix the lines and speed us up is off cuz this slow speed is all they’re now offering.

Since we’re going to be here for a long time we decided we may as well go with something like either a MiFi or, as some people may prefer to call it, a mobile hotspot. The good thing is that it will be reliable and give us full-time service. It should anyway. We’ll start with just one phone to test it out here before we dump our current shit provider. Even if it doesn’t work well in these mountains, it’s still something we need to have as a backup cuz our old cell is now obsolete, and it’d be fine once we move.

The bad is that the phones are expensive and would cost $90 instead of $25, and we’d only get 10G of bandwidth a month. We both use an average of 15G now. I wouldn’t be able to upload, download or change background pictures as much. Text would be no problem, though as that doesn’t take up nearly as much bandwidth.

What frustrates me is knowing that we’re going to be stuck here another year or so. Tom keeps saying maybe something’s trying to do us a favor and not just by making sure we don’t buy the wrong place. He’s replacing the brakes on the car because you’re not allowed to work on vehicles in the park. He’s always done his own car work but now he’ll either have to find some other place to do it or pay to have it done. He says that if he had to pay to have it done it could cost $500.

I disagree. I don’t think something’s trying to keep us from making a mistake, I think it’s trying to keep us from moving altogether. I think it thinks this is all we deserve – to live in someone else’s little old shitbox. So God knows how many more months or even years of the dogs, saws, motorcycles, ATVs, bulldozers and loud trucks I’ll have to deal with. The fucking mutts drove me crazy on Wednesday. The cock was apparently out all day that day. In fact, it really spoils my otherwise peaceful and relaxing day to know that any second now I should hear the first of anywhere from 3 to 6 trips in and out throughout the day.

That’s ok. Unless whatever’s up there kills us, it can’t keep us here forever. It will probably influence all kinds of things to break when we finally beat and defy it and get what we want – our own place – but I’m not going to let that stop us. I sure am tempted to just say, “Aw, fuck it,” and give up at times, though. But uh-uh. There’s where we were meant to be and then there’s where we WANT to be. Our lives are ours, they belong to us, and we’re going to do what we want with them no matter how long it takes.

Tom found a really nice place we could buy outright right now at a park with the best deal as far as lot costs and all that but there’s no way we’d take it even if it were free. It’s backed up not only right against the mainstream but a super dumpy part of it, too. I’d never get any sleep there, he told me. Funny, though, that there’s always, always a catch when something that seems so ideal first jumps out at us. It’s too far from work, too costly, too close to trouble…too something. And no, it’s not a coincidence.

Nane and Andy had me laughing my ass off. Nane left a hilarious comment after I replied to her and Mary’s comments on a tropical scene I posted. I replied to both of them in the same comment box and to Mary I said: Mary, me too!

“Who do you want to marry?” Nane asks, hahahaha.

Nane is definitely not so much as more flirtatious so much as she’s more affectionate when she’s had a few drinks. On her nights off she typically has a drink or two. She admitted she was a little disappointed I won’t be going to Italy where we had hoped to maybe meet up, but says it’s probably better that way cuz then I’d see her wrinkles and gray hair and that would make her unattractive. LOL, I’m sure she’d still be a very beautiful woman. I can relate to her self-consciousness, though. I’d be worried she’d think I was too fat or something. I said to Tom, “Sometimes I wish I’d always been fat. Then it’d be nothing new for someone like Andy or Tammy that I haven’t seen since I was thin. I’d be what they expected and they wouldn’t be like, what the hell happened to you?!”

As I was telling Nane, my wonderful hubby may take me to a salon to get my hair dyed and relayered on my birthday, depending on how much time we have that day and how I feel. Nane suggested adding Strähnchen to my hair, but nah. I don’t think highlights look good on curly hair.

I can’t wait till she picks up her messages next week! Andy sent me a pic of a woman holding a stick in one hand while shoving a guy’s head into a sink saying it was her training Askim. LOL, it did sort of resemble her, too. The woman was tall and slim, though with lighter hair.

This entry’s taken me forever to do. I keep stopping to do other things. Sure enough, I can’t hear my husband working on the car 50 feet away, but I could hear that damn cock roar out 200 feet away.

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 22, 2012
I realize this may cost me some friends, but I have something to say, folks, and I’m GOING to say it! I am fed up and pissed off to the point that simply observing in silence isn’t cutting it for me anymore. I’ve never really been big on New Year’s Resolutions, but if I had to choose one this year it would be to stop being afraid to speak my mind simply because some people don’t want to hear it. So here goes! After all, as a published author and a heavy blogger, I should know that no one’s going to agree with everything anyway. So no more keeping some of my thoughts and opinions either to myself or in private messages amongst my closest friends. I have just as much right to express myself as the next person so long as I’m not threatening anyone. Although I would never want to knowingly and intentionally offend anyone, I would rather lose friends by being honest than obtain them by not being honest or feeling like I have to hold back on some things.

I was never afraid to admit that if there is a God I feel He’s a real jerk for allowing some things to happen to others as well as to myself, so why should I be afraid to say I’m sick of this be-nice-to-Muslims trip going on? “Get along with them” is the message I see everywhere these days. “Be a friend to them.”

But how??? How do you be “friends” with those who do NOT want to get along with anyone? They hate Jews, gays, blacks, and atheists, and they treat women and children like dirt. How do you be “friends” with that? How do you reason with or buddy up to someone who, instead of respecting your beliefs and simply agreeing to disagree, wants to kill you if you don’t tell them what they want to hear and what THEY believe? I’m not saying every single one of them is like this but an alarming number of them sure seem to be and the only ones I feel bad for are the women and children. Girls are being shot in the face for writing in their blogs that they think education is important. Women are being killed in their family’s “honor” for trying to escape their abusive husbands. How effed up is that?! This isn’t something that only happens occasionally, folks, so when I see video after video of them burning the American flag and saying how much they hate us and want to kill us, tell me… how do you befriend that?!?!

You want to unfriend or hate me – fine. But don’t expect to make it MY problem if YOU choose to read this and YOU have a problem with or disagree with what I have said. I’m willing to be friends with anyone – ANYONE – who can treat me with the same respect and kindness I treat them with, but here’s where I get fed up and draw the line! I’m sick of hearing how we should have a bleeding heart for those who want to kill us simply for being who we are. Well, those flag-burning monsters that hate me so much for daring to disagree with some of their ways can kiss my tight white American ass! When they can accept me as I am, then I’ll consider being buddies, but not until then.

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 21, 2012
Talked with Andy this morning about the dream I had where he killed himself. He’s still plagued with nightmares and wonders if a certain nasty group of people (that makes another group not seem nearly as nasty even though they’re plenty bad enough with the shit they do AND get away with) put a curse on him simply for stating his opinions and beliefs. At least it’s in his nightmares and not his real life. Hope it stays that way! He too, suffered many years and deserves the good things that have come his way.

We were talking about suicide and he said he’d never act out such rage on himself or someone else. That’s easy to say until desperation hits. When the government cuts your unemployment checks while you’re still jobless and you know you could never make it on the streets, these things you swore you’d never consider start popping into mind. Same with those who swore they’d never harm another person. Could a mother whose daughter was just raped and killed keep that word if she were suddenly alone with the killer?

Although I certainly don’t expect to ever be in such predicaments, I know I would rather kill myself quickly and painlessly if my only other choices were life in prison, or to be tortured, to die in a fire or some horrible thing like that. I don’t think suicide is merely about rage, but about desperation as well. The natural urge to protect ourselves from things that are too painful or that we can’t handle.

Well, I’m glad Tom got his job when he did cuz life on the streets would have been no life for us. He might’ve lasted a while, but I wouldn’t have gotten very far for very long. I hope to hell we’re never half as miserable as we once were and that no one ever forces me to harm them in the name of self-defense. Who wouldn’t if they were attacked?

Although they weren’t always sweethearts, this year alone I lost my dad, then my mom, and now my sister and a dear friend are very ill. Yeah, I just learned that someone I once loved – and still do for that matter – has MTHFR Mutation and an extra heartbeat. It’s Marie, the Italian hottie that says she still loves it when I tell her to fuck off, LOL. Yeah, she holds the record for being the only one who truly “loves my fire” as she puts it. I will always have a special place for her in my heart as nutty as she can be at times. Nutty or not, she’s so sweet. There isn’t much she wouldn’t do for a friend.

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 20, 2012
That is so cool, but I’m not going to write in other languages here anymore because it wants to change my spell checker to those languages as well.

Ended up talking to Tammy yesterday. She still sounds bad, though not as bad as last time. I guess now they’re not sure if she’s got Sjogren’s or pneumonia because there are so many different auto-immune diseases that it’s very hard to properly diagnose.

My sister and I are pretty frustrated cuz the condo across from my folks just sold but theirs is still up for sale just sitting there month after month. If the thing goes into foreclosure, then I won’t get anything at all, and that’d be so God, too. Tell me He didn’t have a hand in influencing her to spend like crazy in the end (Dad probably didn’t know what the hell was going on) so I wouldn’t get anything from this woman who made so much of my life a living hell and I’ll tell you you’re full of shit. Now the bastard is determined to work Tom to death so we have no time to get out of here no matter how much money we have saved. But we WILL get out of here someday. He can do something else to us at that point, but He can’t make us stay here forever.

She complained about Lisa and told me about Becky’s health problems. On FB, I wished her luck with her issues and she thanked me. I was right about Sarah not actually owning a salon but renting a spot in one. Still, she owns her business name and all that goes with it.

Next came the big surprise. She had said something about a surprise her husband had “for us“ and I thought that meant her and Mark or her and the girls. Instead, he’s decided it’s been too many years since she’s seen her sister – 20, to be exact – that either just her or her and Mark are going to come visit us in a year or two for a few days. The more I think about it, the more I like the idea, though she understands it’s best to wait till we have a bigger place. She could come now, but there’d be no room for her and she’d have to stay in a hotel. She’s welcome to do that, though, if she would prefer the privacy of a hotel.

We talked about whether or not Mom and Dad were together or what could possibly be the case with them, but neither of us has a clue. We’ve never sensed them either. I told her about Tom, Nane and the way I’d influence things, depending on my mood, in ways that were rather extreme be it positive or negative, as well as the dream premonitions. I told her how it got to the point that I was afraid to go to sleep back when all my nightmares were coming to life, but how that all seems to have stopped lately. That’s a good thing too, because not only has Andy had some nightmares about himself, but so have I. Last night I dreamed he killed himself. His life has been going so, so well. I’d hate to see anything bad happen now.

It’s bad for Bill again. His cancer returned, but as God would have it, the abusive bastard is perfectly operable and savable. I had no idea Norma’s husband Milton was battling cancer too, till Tammy told me. That’s too bad.

I also dreamed that Maliheh messaged me but I haven’t heard from her since last summer, so we’ll see.

Been having these pains in the side of my neck that makes me wonder if maybe it’s got nothing to do with my ear or teeth at all.

Went down another pound, but since I didn’t work out yesterday and ate 1500 calories, it was probably water and not fat. I’m still tired of periods setting me back a couple of pounds each month when the PMS makes me so damn hungry. All I want to do then is sleep and eat. Now I want to go try the pre-cooked bacon and ranch mashed potatoes we got but I’m simply not hungry enough for them yet.

Romeo’s getting better with me, but for some reason, he just hates Tom, LOL. Tom said he’d get used to him over the long holiday weekend, but what if that only makes him hate him more? Hahaha

Later…

Tom read a fascinating but sad article this morning before work that he shared with me and I thought I would share it in my blog and discuss it a bit. As some of you may know, people are often quick to disbelieve and bash things that are either rare, that they can’t relate to, that they don’t get, or that are just plain weird. I’ve gone through it myself where I have either not been believed or I have been overestimated. I thank you for your vote of confidence but I can’t just up and conquer every fear and phobia at will, even if some of you sure think I can and I myself sometimes wish I could. I couldn’t have made it on the streets had Tom’s job not come through for us and saved us when it did. I knew that and Tom knew that and there was no use in kidding ourselves where that was concerned. We all have our strengths and weaknesses. Better to be realistic about them and just deal with them, though there’s nothing wrong with trying to improve what we can.

Despite being quick to be disbelieved because I’m white or because I’m childless or because I have some things people don’t see every day, like a deformed ear and surgically made canal and a sleep disorder, I never tried to hide these things. I have openly discussed them same as what I had for dinner or what music I like.

Sleep apnea is more “acceptable” in society mostly because it is one of the more common sleep disorders. But mine, which usually causes my schedule to jump forward 1-2 hours each day, is less common. It is a combination of screwy melatonin levels and my body being devoid of an inner clock. When you are commonly up for 18 hours instead of the usual 16, and when you are a little more sleep-needy than others (though I do sleep the standard 8 hours most days/nights, it makes it much harder to hold a schedule.

24-hour Sleep/Wake was first discovered in the 90s in blind people who could not literally see night and day. It’s a condition you’re typically born with that worsens with age. Even I’d never heard of such a thing and while I knew I wasn’t making it up as some excuse to cover for some grand truth of any kind, I first thought I had gotten myself into a very bad habit. But then why was it so damn hard to set my damn alarm and get up at the same time every day, I would wonder, if it was just a “bad habit?”

I asked Tom if he ever thought it was just a bad habit and he said no, because if it were a matter of habit, then I’d be on either just days or just nights. Not night, day, night, day…

Narcolepsy, also incurable, is even rarer. They fall asleep suddenly at random times throughout the day and night. Tom worked with a guy once whose mother was given a medication that promised to stop that so she could drive. However, she fell asleep, crashed and died. Oftentimes it is assumed that these types of accidents were because the person was drunk.

For years I felt picked on from above. The number of problems, the severity, the flukiness…all seemed a bit extreme. But when I read about this girl in which only 1000 known cases exist, boy did I feel bad for her! It was my turn to say, wow, I never heard of any such sleep disorder. Sadly, she too, was first accused of faking it, only in her case she was accused of doing so for attention cuz she’s only 17. In my case, it’s supposed to be so I don’t have to work outside of the house.

The only part that seemed a bit odd was the hypersexuality. Where would you find the time for so much horniness if you’re always asleep? Still, what a horrible thing to have to live with!

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 19, 2012
Some people really piss me off. So many abused women whine and complain that no one helps them, and while it’s sad that those that truly want help don’t always get it, what about those we DO help just to get shit on for it? Sometimes people DO try to help. Sometimes they threaten the perps hoping it’ll scare them off. Sometimes they call the cops. Sometimes they offer to take the woman in. But what do they get for it? They get treated as if THEY’RE the criminals for trying to intervene.

Just like some people have bashed me for things they clearly cannot relate to and that they clearly don’t know what the hell they’re talking about, I’m not going to sit here and say I’m an expert on these things, cuz I’m not. Far from it. I’ve never been in an abusive relationship. As an adult (before meeting Tom) I’d fight back and then dump abusive people, though I was never with anyone that actually harmed me. Still, I wouldn’t have stuck around and taken it and then defended them when someone else let them have it or tried to help.

I’ve had my own share of low self-esteem in the past but I understand that my situation was very different. It’s not that I don’t empathize with these women, and I’m not saying we should throw our hands up in frustration and say, “Fuck it! Let them get their asses beat if they’re not going to allow anyone to help them,” but I can see where they might frustrate the hell out of some people. It’s bad enough to see them stay with their abusers, but when they say they do it for the kids it burns me up even more. How can staying with an abusive person be good for your kids??? Even if the guy treats them well, they witness the abuse the woman goes through, they sense her fear and tension, and I don’t see how that can be doing the kids any good. I can see where it’s not always easy to pull up stakes and split, especially with kids, but must it really take some women decades to figure it out???

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 18, 2012
Tammy’s frustrating the hell out of me. She was on FB, so why didn’t she reply to my message??? I know she read it. Why not leave a VM instead if she didn’t want to type a reply??? And what is the real reason she hasn’t sent the packages yet? Is she hoping we’ll hurry up and move so she can get our new address?

My parents continue to piss me off even from el otro lado. I know their place is going to sit there on the market for many months, if not a year or more unless it is practically given away. Oh well. Life could be worse.

My tummy’s almost flat again now that I’ve lost most of the water and bloating that seemed to go on and on forever this month.

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 17, 2012
When Tammy left a message on Facebook asking me to call her my first thought was, not again! Why do we need to talk more than once every 6-12 months when it’s so much easier and more convenient to just keep in touch online? She knows I hate phones too, and how unpredictable the phones out here can be. We may both make a lot of money, but why pay for minutes or whatever when there is Facebook and email?!?!

But before I could get all that frustrated I read on to see that she was heading up to Mass General for what I guess is testing. I don’t know the details but that’s when I realized she may be too sick to sit up and write with whatever it is she’s got. She also isn’t big on writing which was why I was surprised when she first mentioned wanting to start her own journal, which she also said she wanted to ask me about. I thought that if the problem was in her lungs it would actually be easier to type than to talk, but I guess not. Still… I HATE PHONES! LOL, how did we end up swapping shoes like this? She didn’t exactly hate phones in the past but I myself was once totally into phones. Hell, I lived on the phone.

Andy said he hopes she’s ok as it’d be a shame to lose the enabler, the poodle, and then her in such quick succession. Well, I did think it a bit odd that she’d be doing up wills at her age, and I would think God would want to make sure she wasn’t around to run to if He ever felt the need to get a good laugh out of beating us over the head with money again, but nah. She’ll live. I have confidence that she’ll get whatever’s going on with her taken care of sooner or later.

Anyway, I’ll call her in the morning and then hopefully that will be it for a while and we can take advantage of the ease and convenience of FB. I did notice she hadn’t been around for about a week or so, but I had thought she was just busy.

Also tomorrow, Tom can enjoy his one day off. He can’t wait for the extra time off he’ll have on Thanksgiving and I don’t blame him one bit.

I’m pissed because my period is two days late. Very unusual for me. If I were just a little younger I’d be shitting bricks in another day or two if I still didn’t get it, but it does feel like it’s on the verge of turning itself on. Question is, do I want to work out today?

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 16, 2012
Jackie S! Please stop telling me on various sites that you want to talk to me. I can only assume it’s about Kim and about forgiving her and being friends with her again. It took some time, but I have forgiven her. However, that doesn’t mean I wish to resume our “friendship.” So with all due respect, I wish you both the best, but please back off. :) There are millions of other fish in the sea. No need to waste time on boring people like me. :)

Got a box of Russell Stover assorted chocolates and OMG! They are SO good. Expensive, but good. Tom hates anything with fruits and nuts in it, so he’s having the truffles. His favorite is vanilla and mine is caramel. I love maple, too.

I gotta work out after I’ve gotten hungry enough to get some real food into me, even though I’m totally not in the mood to. I read and listen to music while I work out and it helps make it go a little faster. I have to work my arms and abs, too. The better shape you get in, the longer you have to work out, so that means I have to throw myself on the floor and do 10 minutes of ab crunching before I really start feeling the burn.

Later…

Took a shower a while ago and ugh! Someone needs to tell that bastard up the hill, NO MORE FUCKING BLEACH, YA HEAR? NO MORE!!! This isn’t Phoenix, Arizona and this isn’t a fucking swimming pool either! Now I have to stink all night long no matter how much perfume I wear or incense I burn. Yes, yes, yes, I am TOTALLY ready for what I DON’T want! I’ll take another old single-wide to have normal tap water, cable Internet, and all those little things we’ve been missing and having to do without for so long, that so many people take for granted.

After we leave then the bastard can overload the water tanks with bleach all he wants. He can even add it to his coffee if he doesn’t already do so. How can his mutts stand to drink this shit? Can’t imagine living here without bottled water.

Old enemies popped into mind while I was taking my bleach shower and I felt myself tense up with that old familiar rage. I realize that whether or not you can forgive someone who has victimized you in whatever way, you can never forget. It’s just never going to be anything I can look back on and shrug nonchalantly and say, “It’s ok. Shit happens to everyone at some point.”

Yeah, shit happens to the best of us, but it’s NOT ok. Never has been, never will be. I know what they did can never be undone. Not even if they gave me a heartfelt apology and handed me a million-dollar check, and not that they’d ever do such a thing. I don’t have to be a mind reader to know that they truly believe in their minds that what they did was ok. In all actuality, though, it was no better than anyone else who does something vengeful out of spite. The only difference is that they “got me” through the law, and sadly, what they did was legal and the part of it that wasn’t legal was covered up and swept under the carpet. Swept so deeply under it that no one can ever do a damn thing about it. Even if someone were willing to reexamine the “evidence,” it’s gone now. I read that all evidence is destroyed in cases after 7 years unless it was used in a violent crime. They may have pictures stored digitally or something like that, but any altered journal excerpts or threatening letters either typed up by them or sent to them by someone else would probably be long gone by now.

Not even months of therapy – that they ironically ordered – could help snuff much of the anger their abuse, railroading, manipulating, and shafting that I experienced on account of them caused. You learn to live with it, but it isn’t always easy. Just like a rape victim never forgets the horrible experience she went through or someone who watched someone be brutally murdered, there are those that play the victim and then there are the true victims. The true victims never forget. The anger, anxiety, and bad memories live on.

It shames and embarrasses me to say so, but I was terrified to try to legally fight them off and expose them for what they’d done once I realized what had transpired, which to their benefit, was too late. They also withheld valuable info that could’ve been a great service to me and a great disservice to them, but there was no way to prove it. So for me, it was a case of A, not being able to prove some things, and B, not being able to get anyone with the power to help me that gave a damn. Especially in a state that favors minorities. No matter how much you insist it was about their actions and not their color, people just don’t want to hear it.

But I find it therapeutic to write about these feelings and experiences even if I’ve already done so a million times, again, ironically recommended by the therapist that THEY caused me to see. What I mean by “they” is everyone who had a hand in screwing me. The “victim” and all the other corruptos within the system. The only ones in the system that felt bad for me were the detention officers I would encounter in jail. I actually miss some of them at times and wonder how they are these days.

After I was vindicated and the “cop” eventually changed professions after what was no doubt God only knows how many complaints, I was terrified of the thought of them coming after me. Clearly, they were obsessed with me, and I knew my vindication had to really piss the hell out of them. They were part of why we left the state. Not just because of what the state did to me, the barbaric laws/sentences, and the treatment of non-minorities, but because I felt like such a sitting duck. So when Tom lost his job and we lost our house, I saw that as an opportunity to escape their radar. I was terrified for a while to even so much as dare write about them in a paper journal that wasn’t online.

Then one day I realized I was letting them win by being afraid to speak my mind, and that I no longer wanted to hide like a coward. I had been their victim long enough and I wasn’t about to let the aftermath of their destruction continue to victimize me from afar. The memories were enough. As long as I wasn’t making any threats or posting any sensitive info, I had every right to express myself online in a blog that was public same as anyone else in the world, and I knew it. I don’t make any attempts to hide. Anyone with the proper know-how and determination could find me. They could be reading this right now, but if they are they would cower in the shadows and not make it obvious, and they would do so not because they were curious as to what I may say about them, but what they could “get” me for.

Now don’t get me wrong. The thought of them coming after me and harming me is still a very real and scary possibility. It’s very unlikely but I don’t rule it out. Instead, I made myself a promise – that if I lived through whatever they did to me I would see to it that they ended up with less than a potty to pee in. THIS time I would fight back and THIS time the system would work in MY favor. They would put an awful lot of money in my pocket while they put themselves in an awful lot of trouble. THIS time I could buy the house of my dreams in nearly every country on the planet while they got to experience a helluva lot more cold showers, bland food, lost sleep, and emotional trauma than I ever did.

I love the idea of being filthy rich, but still… I hope I am never forced to keep that promise. A promise that doesn’t just apply personally to them, but to anyone who may have bad intentions in mind.

Later…

I was reading about this woman who hit some newspaper with a libel suit. She lost, not surprisingly, since most reporters are slick. They print the lies they know can’t be disproven. Sometimes it’s lies they make up on their own for “entertainment” purposes, and other times they take the word of those they’re interviewing that are bullshitting them, checking to make sure that whatever they were told can’t be proven to be the pure bullshit that it is. That’s why I’m not afraid to use first names in my blog, besides the fact that I haven’t found any law yet that says I can’t. If these people can get paid to libel people using their full names, I’m not the least bit worried about stating facts, thoughts, beliefs and opinions on a first-name basis for something I don’t profit from and that’s not threatening or providing one’s sensitive info or anything like that.

Anyway, do I think this woman was slandered and libeled? Probably. It happens quite a bit, unfortunately. I was both stunned and appalled one time when I came across a site several years ago that briefly mentioned those involved in hate crimes.

“How many more people have to die?” screamed the headline in big bold letters.

Then I spotted my name and was like, whoa, wait a minute here! Who the hell died in my case?!?! Also, I was NOT charged with a hate crime. Never have been, never will be. Just thought I’d set the record straight and give you the facts because others are going to print what they want.

I swear, though, some people make their own haters. Yeah, some people will automatically hate people for no reason at all. But sometimes we make our own haters whether we like it or not just with our actions and behavior. Did anyone ever think of that? That sometimes it’s not about where you’re from or what you look like (that was never what it was about for me) but because of the way you act and the way you treat others. So no, I don’t like the people responsible for slandering, libeling, and railroading me in the name of hate and revenge one tiny bit.

But as much as I wish to hell I could undergo a lie detector test and have the results posted on national TV, I really, seriously never did 99% of what I was accused of doing way back when. I swear. I also wish they would make lie detector tests mandatory in most cases because from what I heard they’re pretty damn near impossible to beat.

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 15, 2012
Aw, I was hoping they’d stop disconnecting us when they fulfill orders at night since they didn’t shut us down last night, but they just disconnected us, and they’re still shutting us down in the mornings, too. Because it’s around the same time, I’m guessing they’re connecting and deactivating people’s accounts at those times, and the dipshits are accidentally disconnecting us while they do it. Unless it’s some big old joke on their part, what else could it be?

Had a dream I was telling someone that I realized my desire to move and own our own place again was selfish and that I decided to stay here. Well, I don’t think it’s selfish to want to own places any more than it is to have your own car or clothes, but I am seriously starting to think it isn’t meant to be. A nicer, newer doublewide, that is. Things keep coming up to keep us from our goal, exactly as I predicted. The last thing I want is to struggle for what isn’t meant to be and get a place just to either lose it or have it turn out to be a nightmare that we regret. Not saying that’d be the case, I’m just saying maybe I oughta quit complaining and be grateful for what IS meant to be and just appreciate what we DO have and not so much as stay put but buy another dumpy single-wide. I have lived in dumpy places almost all my life. It’s nothing new at all.

We have more than enough money to remodel this place from floor to ceiling and even add on another half-bath and possibly another room. But I don’t like the idea of plowing thousands of dollars into someone else’s place when we can own a place cheaper than this, and no, I don’t want to deal with slow, part-time internet access for much longer either. But between various expenses that keep coming up and our shaky credit, that’s not exactly something up there eager to help pave the way for us to get our own place unless we got a dumpier one in the “sardine” park. I think they’re the only ones who will pretty much take anyone and not care about credit or things like that. Especially if you buy a place outright.

I still don’t expect any adult park to be like living in a cemetery like Tom thinks it will be, but there’s no way it could be like the mainstream. They can’t leave dogs outside all day and night. They can’t blast music. They can’t let screaming kids tear through the place. So it can’t possibly be that noisy. BUT… the trees, shrubs and grass won’t get trimmed on their own, people like to sit and chat with friends or on phones outdoors, dogs are going to run up to open windows and bark at those passing by, dogs are going to bark that are being walked along the streets, delivery and trash trucks are going to be coming and going. So it’s not going to be anything like living in a cemetery unless it’s dark, rainy or over 100°. I’ll definitely have to have sound machines on while I’m working because I’m distracted very easily even if someone or something isn’t literally being “noisy.” Tom’s sneezing can disrupt my train of thought.

When Tom said he wasn’t going grocery shopping anymore this year I thought, wow, that’s quite a diet we’re going on. But he meant at Walmart. We’ll use Raley’s and Shop Mart till then. We usually only pick up stuff there on Sundays that Walmart didn’t have, but it’ll be our regular store till the fucking holidays are over. At least Tom will get paid for them this year!

If the 5-cast is correct, we’re in for the kind of rain we haven’t had for two years. No motorcycling for the Jes pest! He can gun and run his old loud truck instead.

Romeo was funny as hell earlier and so damn cute. Tom, despite being such a nice, mellow guy, doesn’t have a way with rodents like I do. For some reason, many of them are either scared of him or just don’t want to be his friend. Just when I finally got Romeo to warm up to me and actually sit still on my lap (he likes to burrow in my robe, too) without running, Tom gets up from his chair, sits on the couch next to us, and scares the poor thing half to death. It was funny but at the same time a real setback. Now he’s probably not even going to want to come near me for the next week or so.

Saw that my old buddy unblocked me. I never could figure out why she blocked me in the first place despite saying something I shouldn’t have said in my blog, but hey, it’s her account.

Oh, wait. Now she’s blocked me again. As long as she doesn’t pester me that’s fine.

The poodle and enabler just HAD to croak when the economy was shitty. Their place would’ve sold by now if they’d dropped dead 5 years ago. But it’s still up for 125K.

I may have forgotten to mention this but Irene said she wasn’t going to add Nane because Nane’s too superficial for her. Nane’s got to wonder what the hell’s going on, though, and maybe even be a touch angry or jealous that she added me to her new account, but not her. It’s strange in a way that they were friends since they were in their 20s and each one has ended up closer to me than to each other.

Later…

When I saw I had feedback waiting for me on MD from the same person I figured she was going to tear into me again, but instead, I got this:

“Jodi, feel free to post this humble apology I stand corrected and want to apologize for my email. It was harsh and I was very judgmental considering I only hopped around reading your entries. I started reading from your most recent entries and truly felt sick that you both were in such a horrible situation. I actually wanted to help! Then the more I read, I got a bit choked (right or wrong) with the phone calls and pranks. Maybe it isn’t that uncommon, I’ve just never heard of adults doing it. Cops getting involved seems like such a waste and crisis hotlines shouldn’t be abused for such nonsense. IMO. I work in Emergency Services, so this just struck a nerve. I actually thought this is something you still enjoyed doing (like I said, I skipped all over the journal). The apartment VS motel bit, I had no idea that poor credit would create such a dilemma, but clearly it makes sense. Sorry, it’s absurd but you obviously had no other choice. The most brutal comment (well, aside from the whole email) I should not have commented on your parents and what they may or may not have left you. Clearly, none of my business. I read the journals where they helped, it just never seemed appreciated. I obviously missed all the abuse and other factors that led to all the criticism of them. I noticed that you’ve posted a few entries regarding my email (BTW: I am not Rebecca or Lindsay) I am just a girl that should have kept her big mouth shut. I said a lot of hurtful things and I am sorry. Please believe that. I’m the psycho to write a complete stranger and be so judgmental. All the best xo

ps: I had to put a random email in to send you feedback. I don’t even know if that’s a ‘real’ email but it doesn’t belong to me. Please don’t reply to that poor persons email (if it even exists). I was a bit paranoid and thought you may start pranking me :) lol.
pss: The reason I read your journals to start with is you are a very good writer and obviously have some creative talent! I should have mentioned the good things!!!”

To Miss Not Rebecca or Lindsay but to Miss Random instead:

Thank you for your apology. I can see where reading around in random spurts through a 25-year journal would call for some major confusion as far as where I currently was and what I was currently doing in life. I agree that calling the crisis center wasn’t cool but I also agree that the cops stick their noses into things far less important than things they should be sticking them in. The world would be a much better place if they paid as much attention to murderers, rapists and other violent people as opposed to pranksters or those that have things to say that might offend others.

You said you work in Emergency Services, though, so you would know that not all suicidal talk is a sick joke or a mere shot for attention. It is actually very hard for me to ask for help because my MIL put a complex on me about that years ago. So things have to get pretty damn desperate for me to reach out to someone for help. Monetary help, that is.

My parents HAVE indeed helped me in the past. No doubt about that. But they also didn’t help when they could have and should have, and yes, they were very abusive to me, my sister and my brother. As a 46-year-old now living on the other side of the country, they can’t harm me anymore as both died this year just 7 months apart. But I will have horrible memories to carry with me for the rest of my life. Although I understand much of my writing sounds like repetitious complaining, it has been very therapeutic for me.

Yeah, we’re still working the credit thing out, my husband and I. We got caught up in a scam and Yours Truly also made some stupid mistakes (yes, some of it is my fault, LOL) and buying a place of our own may be a bit tough for a while.

I wouldn’t have pranked you but I did send a brief message to that addy via egreetings. Yes, it does exist. I have some programs I can run it through to tell me if it’s live, its location, and sometimes the actual owner.

Your apology has been accepted, and thanks for the compliment on my writing. :)

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 14, 2012
Today I feel a million times better! Yesterday I was so damn rundown and hungry. I couldn’t even work out. All I could do was eat and sleep and eat and sleep. Telling myself not to give in to the hunger was like telling myself not to breathe. Like it or not I need to nearly double my calories before periods. I think most women do. Yes, I have gained back most of the weight I’ve lost, and no, I’m never going to lose a significant amount. But that’s ok. Now I have a diet that will allow me to lose my post-period weight gain easily enough and I no longer have to wonder each month how the hell I’m going to lose it. If I could lose 10 pounds a month I could eventually lose a lot of weight, but I could never lose that much that fast even when I was young. It is still nice to know that I have a whole 3 weeks to lose the 4 pounds I gained over the last few days. It’s sad that it takes a few weeks to lose what I can gain in a few days, but that’s life as a short older woman. It is better than gaining an indefinite amount throughout my life.

Tom is still being overworked, we’re still many months away from moving, and I still have a million health-related appointments to catch up on but life is otherwise going well. We are happy, healthy, and raking in serious dough. I just wish the rest of my parents’ shit would sell and all my appointments could be done and over with so we could know exactly how much we’ve got in savings. This will determine what kind of house we buy. We know it’s going to need some work, but even if it didn’t we’ll still want to furnish and decorate it to our tastes and it would be nice to know what we’ll need up front. I’m guessing the bulk of it will cost 15K–20K, but after that, we’ll be saving like crazy cuz our monthly expenses should be cheaper than they are here.

It’s my blog so I will write what I want. However, I will omit certain names. Well, a certain someone who I pissed off yesterday during my foul mood has taken it a bit harder than I expected. Oh, I have no hard feelings toward her or anything like that but I thought her reaction was a bit extreme when I saw she blocked me on FB and then called me a bitch on Ask. I thought to myself, if my apology (and I do admit it was rude and uncalled for to mention her name) wasn’t enough for her, then I don’t know what else I could possibly do. But then she sent an email saying she understood we all get angry at times and is more into keeping in touch through postal mail anyway, and wished me the best. So I wished her the best in return and am glad to see she won’t be going Kim on me after all. She does seem too sane and smart to be a stalking troll anyway, LOL.

Speaking of Kim and company, I did a little “test.” I left an anonymous comment from Jackie on my MO blog asking if I got her message on Ask. Just curious to see if they’re reading that particular blog, cuz if they are, I’ll hear about this comment.

Later…

So I get a message from Rebecca R. At first I thought it was Lindsay in Portland, Or. Anyway, she lives in Yorba Linda, CA and before I even got through the first few sentences I was roaring with laughter. I sent her a reply via egreetings (with her street address) because I obviously didn’t want this nutjob getting my email address.

Anyway, here’s what she had to say tonight:

“I wasn’t going to bother emailing you, but since I’ve read a ton of your entries I just have to. First, you blame everyone for your hardships, parents, ex friends, god, whomever… yet never yourself! Grow up. Stop casting spells and hoping to win the lottery as a way of life and GET A JOB! This “I can’t work, because my schedules off” is absurd!! All these suicide banters, I’m sure are nothing more than sympathy cries in hope that some suckers online will send you a few bucks. Pathetic. I never wish to see anyone struggle or fail, but I have to admit I cheered when I read your parents left you nothing. This is because they did help you and you never saw any of the good they did. You act as if they OWE you…good lord girl!! They owed you nothing. Prank calling in your twenties? OMG.. I can’t even go there.The worst for me, the living in motels for hundreds of dollars to have maid service?? Unreal. What the hell is wrong with an apartment? (for half the price). Oh, I know you will have some excuse for that too. I’ve actually showed people in a class I’m taking, some printed copies of your journal and everyone agrees, you are seriously messed up. Finding shortcuts, scheming through life, betting on the horses and all this stupid shit you do is classic. You are a total psychopath in the truest sense. You have no pride. No moral fiber. I am embarrassed for you when I read your entries. Disgusting reading.”

LOL, so “disgusting” that she read that many entries? AND she took the time to print some out for her classmates? LOL, that is too funny. And where did I say I didn’t have a job simply because I don’t work outside of the house? Oh, and we’d have loved an apartment over a motel, but Rebecca’s right. I have an excuse for that too, for obviously, the sick twist didn’t read enough to know that our credit wouldn’t have made that very easy. And I hated the maid service. I prefer to do my own cleaning so that it’s done MY way.

If I only blame others, then why did I take responsibility for the friend I lost yesterday? That was my fault and my fault only, but shame on me for not blaming the rest of the world, too!

Oh yes, and I really expected total strangers to just up and send me a few bucks back when we were broke. Sure, no problem. Everyone reads diaries about money woes and sends their authors a few bucks, right? After all, they all owe me that much for stubbing my toe in 1987.

LOL, we haven’t bet on horses in years, but fuck me for considering shortcuts, lotteries and sweepstakes. That is the ultimate sin, right folks?

As for insisting my parents have helped me, I didn’t say they didn’t. I said they could’ve helped a lot more instead of selfishly considering themselves first and foremost.

“I never wish to see anyone struggle or fail” ~ Are you sure about that? Your writing indicates to me that you are the type who takes great pleasure in seeing others suffer. If my mother could return from the dead and kill me would you “cheer” that, too? I think you would. And from what I’ve learned recently my parents are going to be leaving me something. It just may not be much.

Do send more “feedback” dear Rebecca or Lindsay or whoever you are for sure. Anyone with no pride or moral fiber needs all the sympathy you can drum up for them. Oh, and feel free to pass on a few bucks too, along the way;)

Tata!

Later…

This entry is in regard to Rebecca in Cali, Lindsay in Oregon, and anyone else who may feel the need to critique, criticize, and judge me or any aspect of my life. In my last post on MD, I included the message I got from a woman all about how embarrassed she is for my “disgusting reading” and all the reasons why. The person who, despite claiming I disgust her, felt compelled to read much of my journal and even print out copies for her little classmates.

As I’ve said before, you can have your opinions, thoughts and beliefs, but don’t think for a minute that I’m going to change my life or way of living to conform to every single cuckoo birdie that visits my journal. YOU come to ME. I don’t go to you and cram my writing, thus my life, thoughts and beliefs, down your throat. No one has to read anything I write, and I am not breaking any laws simply because I may say something you don’t agree with or want to hear. You have to learn to accept the fact that when you visit one’s blog, you may not like what you read. That’s ok. It’s not ok, however, to think you can change me simply with your own beliefs.

I could write that I was a mother of 3 who had a full-time job outside of the house and that I blamed myself for everything that happened to me, and someone, somewhere, would have a problem with that, too. Instead of being bashed for supposedly not working (though having a home job I’m not at liberty to discuss does NOT mean I’m not working), I would be ridiculed for not spending more time at home with my kids. Instead of being criticized for blaming God and my abusers, I would be told I shoulder too much of the blame and should consider sharing it a bit. Instead of being called a liar or an “excuse queen” for having a sleep disorder, I would be called the same thing if I wrote that I was in a wheelchair for something.

My point? I know no one can please everybody no matter what they write about. I know no one’s going to agree with every single topic under the sun be it a hobby, job, food, color, location, opinion or belief.

Some guy wrote at another site that we need to enforce the death penalty more often because then such heinous crimes would rarely happen. I disagree. Oh, we should enforce the death penalty, alright. I totally believe in killing killers who don’t kill in self-defense. But I totally disagree that it would deter crime. These people not only don’t usually think or realize they’re doing anything wrong, but they don’t plan on being caught either. Yet I simply allowed myself to disagree with his statement. I didn’t feel the need to bash, condemn or tell him he was wrong, pathetic or whatever simply because he believes something I don’t.

So to those of you who feel the need to bash me or to try to “get” me for speaking my mind, why don’t you ask yourself what your own problem is? Perhaps you’re just a very miserable person, unhappy with your own life and so you feel the need to pick on others. Maybe it makes you feel better to do so. Or maybe you read my journal not so much because you’re interested in anything I have to say but because you wonder if I will mention you. Perhaps you have a guilty conscience and fear some kind of exposure. Something that will let the world really know who you truly are. While I still welcome all and any feedback, think about that the next time you feel entitled to sit in judgment of me. :)

Later…

No more hate mail for me? No one else out there wants to tell me that THEIR way is correct and mine is wrong and just not acceptable? Wow, just wow.

shakes head and laughs I still can’t believe there are people in this world who will read about someone’s life and then take it so damn personally. Like it’s a major offense to them personally.

But like it or not, I DO blame my abusers for abusing me even though I am not a perfect person and I never will be. I DO blame God for letting the abuse happen, too.

Just because you may not have heard of or understand http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Non-24-hour_sleep-wake_disorder doesn’t make what I’ve got any less real or difficult to live with.

Also, just because I work at home and do stuff I’m not allowed to discuss does not mean I am jobless, lazy, sitting around daydreaming or trying to hide anything.

I’m not ashamed to admit that my life has been so rough at times that I’ve actually wanted to die and not all of it was because of money.

Yes, I really did make prank phone calls into my 20s, and although it was wrong and illegal, it isn’t as uncommon as one might think.

As far as other “stupid shit” I do that makes me a “psychopath in the truest sense,” no one in their right mind is going to pass it up if they suddenly won a lot of money.

So… let’s read YOUR blog and all about your perfect, correct and acceptable way of living. I’d LOVE to be shown the RIGHT way. :)

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 13, 2012
I’m sure some people will get a kick out of this, but I’m kinda pissed at myself right now cuz yesterday’s hunger got so annoyingly intense that I couldn’t even concentrate on what I was doing so I fucked up big time. The little things I ate to try to kill the hunger just weren’t cutting it and I had to have an additional meal. I ate till my tummy hurt, and I’m up a pound.

Looking back on the last few weeks it’s clear that I’ve been around the same weight ever since and that I’m not going to lose much more without cutting out more food. But of course that would mean more hunger and more fatigue. Maybe I will just try to stay where I’m at. Anything is better than gaining hundreds and hundreds of pounds, and that’s exactly what would’ve happened had I kept eating whatever, whenever, even if I’d continued to work out.

But Jesse sure will continue to annoy me from hundreds of feet away. I didn’t hear the motorcycle, but in the two hours I’ve been up I’ve heard the truck and a few thumps and bangs that sounded almost like someone closing a car door right outside the place. I stepped outside to see if I could get a sense of what was going on. I heard voices for a second, but couldn’t tell if they were really coming from up at his place. I heard another loud vehicle earlier that beeps when it backs up, but I don’t think that was at his place. It’s just about dark now, so as long as he stays in for the night, all should be peaceful for the rest of my day and I can enjoy another movie tonight in peace so long as the connection holds.

Phillip posted a hello to my wall saying he rarely checks in but hopes I’m doing well. His message, like several others I’ve sent, appears unread. Really getting sick of messages not going through on Facebook and I don’t understand why this glitch hasn’t been fixed yet. The only good in messages not always going through is that now his mother and sister won’t get the message I sent telling them off. Although Phillip may agree with what I had to say to them, he still might not appreciate it. Just how many messages have been sent to me that I haven’t gotten???

I just wish some people wouldn’t send me half a dozen messages every single day. I don’t know why that annoys me so, but it just does. Rather than say anything about it to Renate or anyone else I just back off and wait a while before responding to them all. I do that anyway even with those I don’t hear from as much if I’m either busy or just not in the mood to be sociable at the time. As long as I can get online I’m usually pretty consistent with picking up questions, comments, and messages, but I don’t always reply right away. But after this entry, I’ll go respond to my 2 questions, 2 comments, 3 messages, and 5 emails which, by the time this gets proofread and posted, could have doubled.

Norma and Judy have resumed their friendship for the first time since the 70s. Andy said that even Norma remembers the mystery painting that’s supposed to be old and valuable. After 40 years one of the first things they talk about is this painting? LOL Anyway, maybe I’d remember it if I saw it, but whatever it is has obviously long since been sold off. They probably didn’t even get half of what it was worth either. If there’s anything we’ve learned from our own selling experiences, it’s that people don’t care if you have something valuable to sell. Everyone wants a deal. People are greedy and selfish and you have to either take what they’re willing to pay or not sell it at all.

Andy thinks the painting might’ve been from the 1600s and something my dad found in someone’s basement when he was exterminating. He got to keep it and then I guess later found out it was worth a lot of money. It might’ve been of a mother and daughter and hung in Nana’s place till she and Pa died.

Later…

Right now I could kick myself for a lot more than just straying from my diet, but for my big mouth as well. Sometimes when I’m PMSing you wouldn’t know it. Other times I’m a flat-out bitch and everything – even the dumbest, littlest of things – irritates the hell out of me. It’s a piss-poor excuse but it seemed that everyone was coming at me at once with all kinds of things and I felt a little overwhelmed because I was already in a crabby mood. Well, thanks to my big mouth and rudely mentioning someone’s name in my last post, which I shouldn’t have done and have since removed, it seems I have lost a good friend. A good friend who didn’t do anything wrong but was kind and very helpful to me. I deserve to be dumped, though, if that’s what’s happened and I’m guessing it has. That was totally uncalled for as I told her when I sent her an apology.

I am still, however, determined to find a postcard somewhere in this damn town like I said I would. Tom’s so sure we’ll find some at the welcome center, but when you work 6 days a week, 5 of them being for 12 hours, you have very little free time.

Like I said, lousy excuse or not, everything is pissing me off right now. My health expenses costing us and slowing us down, the move seemingly so far into the future it may as well never happen, the constant hunger that I just can’t seem to get rid of. Just what the hell is my body doing at this time of month that it needs to eat twice as much food???

I feel bad about the friend I have lost due to my big mouth, but I also realize that I, just like anyone else in this world, am far from perfect. Sometimes I say shit I shouldn’t be saying. The lesson learned: Keep your mouth shut in your public journal. People really do read the fucking thing. She almost never reads it, though, so of all the times she reads it she just had to see that entry.

On the other hand, is it really wrong to say how you feel as long as you do it in a reasonable way? Yeah, I still feel bad about offending her, but at least she may back off now and give me the space I want… until someone else comes at me a dozen times a day.

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 12, 2012
We’re now thinking that instead of a long trip to Hawaii, we may do a shorter luxury cruise from San Francisco to Mexico. Maybe even see cousin Michelle along the way since we certainly can’t see Nane, LOL. We just don’t know if we’ll go before or after the move. I’m leaning towards before. Even if a break-in is next to nil in a gated 55+ park, if we go from here only Jesse knows we’re gone instead of half a dozen people (excluding anyone I mention it to online, of course). Also, I’d get a week or two off from the Jes pest’s racket as opposed to in the 55+ park where it’s supposedly quieter. Lastly, we’ve already had enough delays, so what’s a few more, right? Like the new set of luggage we’ll need before the trip, plus I need new glasses.

I had a dream Nane told me she’s really been living in the US all along. That’d be nice so long as she wasn’t all the way in NY.

They’re gonna shut us down for a few hours anytime now so I’ll post this later. Even though God just had to make sure Jesse had a motorcycle to make up for the 200-foot distance (I’ve already heard it twice in the 4 hours I’ve been awake), I’m so happy that things are still going well for us. I love the little things we do for fun and am cherishing the hell out of these good times while they last, for sooner or later what we have built up for us will be torn down, won’t it?

No! We have risen above His hate and His evil and this is where we’ll stay! Life doesn’t have to be perfect for us, but I’ll be damned if we’ll suffer to the degree that we have in the past.

I went to do my front flies and then I saw it! In the lower-left corner of the mirror, The Girl in the Mirror didn’t have such profound hate handles! It’s amazing what 5 lousy pounds can do when you’re this short. Bending over and scrubbing my feet in the shower is easier but I still have a long way to go. Getting down on the floor to do ab crunches should be as effortless as sitting in a chair, but I’m not quite there yet.

Green eyeshadow definitely looks best on me cuz my eyes are green. Purple’s runner-up. I don’t like pinks because it looks like I’ve been crying, and dark browns, blues and purples make me look like I’ve been punched.

It’s nice that Irene is back, though I don’t know why the new account and new name. I suppose she sent Nane an add request too, though Nane has yet to be around this week. Lately, she’s not on till Thursday.

Jackie doesn’t appear to have read my Facebook message. Let me guess… she never got it, right? But why has Christine appeared to have read the last two messages I sent her without replying? It’s not like her to just ignore me like that if she really has read them.

Renate has become the new Lori only she’s saner, better looking, and without the constant religious and political talk. But she pesters me much in the same way with tons of messages and comments. But she did say she doubts she’ll always be on Facebook, so maybe she’ll get sick of it soon enough and deactivate since she prefers to meet with people in person. Until then she’s still nice. I just feel bad that I still can’t find a fucking postcard in this damn town!

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 11, 2012
Alison confirms that Kim does have a friend named Jackie. She lives in Iowa and has been friends with Kim for a few years. They run groups together, mostly to do with celebrities and that sort of thing. Still, my “friendship” with Kim has been over since June. She and her friends should’ve moved on long ago and have absolutely no interest in me whatsoever. What low self-esteem it must take to put so much time and energy into following those who aren’t interested in you. I’m surprised she’s a dental hygienist, though. Those on disability usually attract those who are also on disability, welfare, jobless, or have some low-paying job flipping burgers at best.

Maybe I should surprise Jackie S, whose profile I found on Facebook), and hit her with a FB message saying: Please do not contact me again on Ask, here, or anywhere else. I will not, at any point, resume my “friendship” with Kim. There are plenty of other people in the world she can focus her attention on. It is not healthy to dwell on past friendships when there are so many other fish in the sea.

I have been tired all day. Maybe if I hadn’t felt like I was being rushed out of here when I first got up, thanks to the cock up the hill, I’d have taken my time waking up. But the instant I got up, I mean the instant I got up, he started gunning the motorcycle like crazy. I thought it would take forever for the bastard to leave. Sure enough, he was pulling out as we were pulling out. We met up at the fork. Tom said it was dead quiet all day till I got up. Yeah, I don’t doubt it. I’ve always known the noise curse was aimed at me. It’s been a fact of life now for 21 years and I don’t know why, or how to change it. I still fear we’ll get stuck with a noisy neighbor even in a 55+ park. One that’s noisy in a way that’s annoying as hell but that isn’t breaking any laws or park rules. They can’t leave a dog outdoors unattended, but who says they can’t sit outside between their place and ours and gab with company or on the phone real loud for hours a day? That’s not illegal or against park policies. Tom thinks it will be like living in a cemetery most of the time. In a temperate climate that rarely rains? I don’t think so! I think that as long as the sun is out and it’s not too cold or too hot or raining, people will be hanging out and cruising the streets with their mutts or whatever. But at least the place will be cheaper and it will be ours.

Last night I was sooo pissed off! I lost a ton of stuff when my Windows WP crashed. I will use a Mac WP from now on. I’m sick of all the crashing Windows programs do! I still hate Macs, but they’re so much safer and so less crashy. I just hate the MAC WPs because they don’t have all the features I’m used to. I hate to say it, but I have to say it – if anyone reading this is in the market for a new computer – climb out of the Windows and go Mac.

Today we went out and it was fun, though we never found the things we were looking for. Hey, life is never what we plan it, is it? But I did get Renate’s postcard from Austria. Love her handwriting too, so neat and compact. She wrote in German, then English. I read the German part first, of course, and understand all but two words!

Someone on Ask suggested I look in Walgreens for postcards, but they didn’t have any. Instead, they had a really nice makeup palette with 36 colors for just a few bucks. I took a picture of it and you can see part of my face and hands in its mirror. It’s on Facebook and my LJ blog.

I also got one of those designer imposters called Swept Away. It’s a knock-off of Victoria’s Secret’s Love Spell. Its smell reminds me of fruit punch. Got Pink Sweet Pea Fantasy too, by Body Fantasies.

Tom surprised me with some patchouli incense when he was out before I got up. It’s very potent and fresh for store-bought incense.

The Goodwill also has incense but we found them closed because they’re remodeling the place. We didn’t want to go to Mel’s Diner in the middle of a Sunday afternoon, so we checked out Incredible Pets before going home. Found the perfect rat there, only she was older and wasn’t for sale. That was too bad cuz she was such a sweetie. She seemed very calm and curious. She was a breeder, though. They had tons and tons of mice and several rats but they were all snake feeders except for a few adult rats used for breeding only.

I feel like I’m forgetting something but if I remember anything else I’ll do another entry either after my workout and shower or sometime tomorrow.

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 10, 2012
Got a request on Ask from “Jackie,” who’s supposedly Kim’s friend. She asked if she could give me her email cuz she wants to talk to me. I just deleted it, cuz no thanks. If it wasn’t actually Kim herself, what could she possibly have to tell me that I need or want to hear? Besides, I don’t care to be friends with anyone who’s friends with someone I don’t like unless we were already friends to begin with like Aly and I were. sighs People just can’t let go and move on, can they? If Kim turned gorgeous or smart and sane she’d want nothing to do with me.

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 9, 2012
The dentist appointment went well, though I have to go back on my birthday. Turns out it’s a two-part procedure. Today they just drilled the sides of the neighboring teeth where they’re going to anchor the bridge. They gave me the Novocain without the Epinephrine so I didn’t get jittery and need any Valium to combat the shakies. Instead, my heart raced for the first few minutes or so and my upper body felt warm.

While she may be ordinary-looking, Teresa is super, super nice. Her usual assistant, Shannon, wasn’t working today. Jackie assists her on Fridays. She was nice, too.

The subject of my entering and winning tons of sweeps came up and I explained the whole setup and things to do to make the process easier to enter more sweeps in less time. I explained about hot keying certain things to beat flash forms since Robo can’t beat them, and other things as well. I told them I stopped winning much when the economy went bad and haven’t been able to sweep much with our lousy connection, but said I’d print out a list of all my wins for them next time. Teresa was amazed that I’ve won trips and other big prizes. Still don’t know if I can do it again with all the competition I’ve got these days but man do I miss it. Gotta get a high-speed reliable connection first, though.

Anyway, the drilling seemed to take forever (and was deafening) but the whole appointment didn’t last as long as I thought it would. All they did was cement in a couple of temporary crowns today because the impressions they took need to go to the lab for the proper fitting of the bridge.

So on my birthday, I’ll have the bridge put in. Tom was reluctant to schedule me on my birthday at first while I was being drilled, but since the appointment shouldn’t last long anyway, he told Janet at the desk, “What the hell. I’ll take a whole day off that day and we can make a day of it and go places after.” I guess we’ll go out to eat and do some shopping.

I didn’t want to eat much until the numbness wore off because it’s hard to tell if you’re biting into your tongue or cheek. We went to a few stores in search of postcards, but sure enough, we couldn’t find any. Things always remain out of reach when you’re looking for them, but as soon as we finally find one I’m sure I’ll start seeing them everywhere. There are a few more places we’re going to check out. I never should’ve agreed to swap postcards in the first place. It’s not my thing any more than phone chats are. It just seems so pointless when it’s so much easier to keep in touch online. I guess to some people, though, postcards and letters are more “real.” This is the only one she’s getting, though.

I did, however, feed my nail polish addiction and I got 3 new colors. Every single one of my nails is long now but they usually are anyway. My hair and nails have always grown pretty fast.

Waking up was kind of hard but not as hard as I thought it would be. It could’ve been worse had I not been able to crash till 5am. But I slept for 6 hours or so, so I’m not overly tired and can function just fine.

In about 15 minutes they disconnect us for a couple of hours so I’m going to hurry up and get this posted.

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 8, 2012
The dentist’s office called Tom at work and asked if they could fit me in tomorrow to do my bridge at noon. Tom left a message (since I didn’t have the MJ plugged in as usual) asking what time I got up today. Got up at 11:30, which means I’d get 4-6 hours of sleep, which isn’t much for me, but one day of being tired won’t kill me. I called him back and said it’d be ok to do it tomorrow. That way I don’t have to stress about my schedule for another week.

I hope they don’t make a habit of wanting to reschedule too often like the dentist I had when we lived in Phoenix loved to do. I really do prefer to go when I’m scheduled. I’m also pissed at the money my constant problems are costing us. Insurance doesn’t cover everything 100% and he loses money when he has to take time off from work. Wish we could’ve moved first. Chances are I could take the bus from any 55+ park.

The weather is shitty as hell. I like the rain and how it’s quieting the Jes pest (though I could’ve sworn something loud was running up there this morning that woke me up for a few minutes even with the sound machine blaring and me being hundreds of feet away), but I hate the cold. We might freeze Saturday night. The heat didn’t come on last night till 3am. Today it came on at 2pm. It’s only run a few times, though.

Chatted with my German hottie. She’s been overworked, too. She said my messages made her laugh (I told her to shove a Barbie shoe up her boss’s nose) and said she wasn’t 100% for Obama but was 100% against Romney, and asked me my take on the situation.

Touched base with Mary too, and Andy and I still do most of our communicating on Ask.

Poor Tom. He doesn’t get to go online much anymore between when he gets off work and goes to bed. They shut us down like clockwork every day at 5pm and we’re offline for 2-3 hours. Maybe someday we really will move, but it’s way into next year. Still, we both agree there’s no sense in calling them to fix what they simply won’t fix. Even if they did fix it, a couple of weeks later it’s back to the same old outages. Lately, I’ve been asleep throughout the morning shutdowns. We’re shut down for an hour or two then too, so 2-6 hours a day there’s no service at all. Maybe we should still consider a smaller, older place and get out of here sooner. We can easily afford that now.

The poor guy also has to work Saturday, too.

Eating 9 times a day has had miraculous results after just one day of doing it, but I know it won’t last. I didn’t even diet all that hard yesterday either.

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 7, 2012
Yay for Obama for being reelected and yay for Maine for voting, for the first time ever, for marriage equality. The shitty thing is that they can take it away just as easily as they can give it, so I’m sure that at some point their rights will be bounced around like a yo-yo much like they were out here.

Maryland and Minnesota opted to remain haters in the dark ages. I still can’t believe it’s perfectly legal to discriminate against any group of people in what’s almost 2013.

Yesterday I was told that assuming sexist men were gay was insulting to gays. Not sure how they made that connection or what it was that I wrote to cause them to read that into my statement. I said I thought sexists were gay, not that gays were sexist. Nonetheless, that’s the impression they got; that it was insulting to gays.

Both Tom and Andy pointed out that they didn’t believe sexist men were closeted gays, and why. Tom’s point was basically that who you’re sexually attracted to has nothing to do with what you feel about people whether it’s an individual or a group of people. He has a point there, so I suppose that no, being sexist doesn’t always mean one’s gay. I’m sure I would still be sexist myself had I never been attracted to another woman. The way – not all but so many – guys think they’re oh so tough and God’s gift to women while they actually treat women like shit and have shit for brains is mostly why my attitude towards guys in general sucks. So yeah, I can see where not every sexist is gay, just like not every sexist hates every member of the opposite sex. I don’t care for men in general and I realize I tend to degrade them with some of the things I say, but obviously, I don’t hate every single man or else I wouldn’t be married to one and have male friends.

As always, though, I don’t expect everyone to agree with everything I talk about in my journal, and there’ll be no shed tears if anyone chooses not to read it. I was writing long before the Internet ever existed. I write for me first. Sharing is an afterthought, though I do appreciate the feedback I get. It’s always interesting to hear what people have to say.

Sexist, gay or not, I didn’t want Romney to win because of his expressed desire to get BC out of the hands of women and make it harder for them to control their own bodies. That’s all one has to say for me to know I don’t want them running my country. Mormons are also known to hate gays big time and they have no problem admitting that. Again, if you want to hate a group of people, why don’t you pick a group that has actually done something worth hating instead of asking to be treated the same as everyone else?

One guy said he voted against gay marriage because he “doesn’t believe in it.” See, that’s something I don’t get. Why can’t you not believe in something but still let others do what they want? Why should others not be able to have choices simply because of what you believe? I don’t believe in Taco Bell, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to go out of my way to try to do what I can to stop others from going to Taco Bell.

Later…

Another warm, dry, sunny day out there. I sometimes miss living where rain isn’t such a rarity but know I wouldn’t like the humidity. Just wish the Jes pest would get rained off the damn motorcycle more often than it does. Had to hear it come and go 3 times yesterday, then a round of barking. Believe it or not, I’ve only heard him come and go once so far today, but I’m sure he’ll make more runs between now and late afternoon. I know this cock, and yes, I am using my usual sexist terms and not worrying about whom I may offend. No subject or words can please literally everyone. I’m sure someone, somewhere could find something offensive in someone who wrote about knitting a scarf. But as always, the best way to guarantee you won’t be offended by one’s blog is to not read it at all. Not even if you’re an email recipient or at least receive notifications via email. As long as I’m not breaking the cyber laws (and I haven’t yet), I’m going to add crime to my list of reasons why I tend to be sexist. Men make up for WAY more crime than women do. When has a man ever been out at night and had to be afraid of a woman???

Still, not every guy is a piece of crime-riddled and insensitive while sensitive in the wrong kind of way piece of shit. Just like not all professions are “bad.” I condemn law enforcement regularly throughout my blog what with what happened to me and all the stories of corruption I hear going on out there, but it’s not the profession that’s bad, it’s the abuse of the profession that’s bad.

The world is still too full of unnecessary unfairness that could be righted if only people would care enough to do so. That’s great that Maine, for however long it may last, voted for marriage equality, but why do we still treat animals better than humans? Not one state in the country won’t put a terminally ill dog out of its misery, but only two states will do the same for people. Why is it still not ok for everyone to marry who they want in all states but it’s ok to smoke in public and gag some people out? Why can’t blacks be charged with hate crimes while whites can be called racist for even thinking about having a White History Month? Why are so many judges going easy on blacks in court for fear of being labeled as prejudiced while they’re quick to give others sentences that don’t fit their crimes at all? I have seen so many cases of assault, dangerous driving and theft end up with just 30 days in jail while people get thrown in jail for months simply for something they think or say or believe. A jaywalker will go down harder than someone who embezzles thousands of dollars from their boss. How backward is that?

I’m surprised I went down a pound after I pigged out yesterday. I read an article that said it’s best for our cholesterol and metabolism if we eat 9 times a day instead of 3-6 or sporadically. So I’ve scheduled 1 to 3-hour small eating sessions just to see if it makes a difference, but haven’t changed my menu. I’m still doing the Special K diet. Well, most of the time I am anyway, and I’m still working out 5-6 days a week.

I love to snack on sugar snap peas dipped in ranch dressing. Wish I liked carrots and celery as much but I can’t stand them.

I was even more surprised to find that ALL my short erotic stories are not only still there but they have 5 stars! Even the one with the embarrassing typo in it, LOL. How’d I miss that? Anyway, just look for NorCaliGirl, but watch out, they’re dirty as hell. These are mostly steamy scenes from a few of my books. I thought it was a good way to see how people rated them, and well, they sure got rated quite well.

The rat loves cheesy broccoli, but hey, rats love everything. Romeo is still too timid and too stupid for a rat but manageable. Still not sure if we should bring him back or just get him a roommate. He is a bit more curious now and taking food from my hand, but still not showing any desire to be handled and explore outside his cage.

Had a dream I was single and didn’t seem to know Tom. Tammy asked me to come stay with her and so I did. But instead of having a house in the east, she had an apartment in the south. Texas, to be exact.

In real life, she asked if I thought Larry’s kid had been born. Don’t know, don’t care. I don’t have any ill feelings toward him at this point; I just don’t consider him or what he’s up to any more than some stranger in another state or country. I do feel a touch bad for the kid and mistress, though. The kid’s father is going to be dead before it’s old enough to drink, and the mistress’s life is over before it’s even started.

I was thinking of the pigs. I wonder if they could be waiting till we move to pounce on me, figuring that that would make it harder for me to run if I owned a place, but even I know that’s a ridiculous and paranoid thought. If they wanted me that bad and had I really, truly broken any laws – and I didn’t – they’d have come around by now even though I’m in another state.

But the “case,” if one really was created by a real cop, may still be “active.” I remember Maliheh saying she had two years to file on the barking black ass next door. So who knows how long they could serve me if I were in their jurisdiction. Could be a year, could be a few years, could be forever. I still don’t know what the hell they think they ever had on me, so without knowing what they made up, I couldn’t begin to say. Obviously, they either didn’t make up anything that serious or “Juan D” was just a friend of theirs. Probably Jerry. He would have more than my whiteness or Jewishness or complaints against his buddy, fuck buddy or not, to be pissed at me for. He would have my lovely rating to want to spite me for as well.

Later…

Jesse just took off and the fucking mutts are going off now. But it’s after 11pm! Where the fuck can this cock be going now? Really getting sick of all this coming and going and having to hear about it every single fucking time.

Last night I could’ve sworn I had a dream that we got a 12K place. Even in a decent park that would get us a pretty nice place with the economy being so shitty. Not super new, but it has sufficient space and something that was plenty nice enough and may not have that old brown paneling I hate so much. However, the end of the mutts, motorcycles and loud trucks can’t be that near. If I let myself dwell on the fact that we’re going to be here well into 2013, though, I’ll want to scream. I will admit, however, that the mutts aren’t going off as long as they used to. Hours now seem to be minutes, not that hearing them and all the loud vehicles half a dozen times a day isn’t annoying enough. I didn’t come here for that.

According to Tom, Washington and Maryland did vote for gay marriage, so I guess we’re up to 9 states. 9 states that could take it all away. Once GLBT rights are as etched in stone as black’s, then I’ll be happy, not that this isn’t a start.

Andy agrees with me, though, and not Tom as far as whether or not Cali is liberal. Tom considers it liberal, but I don’t. Just because San Francisco and Hollywood are liberal doesn’t mean the state as a whole is liberal. Cali is very conservative and hateful. You just can’t ban gay marriage and call yourself liberal. That’s like slapping a person and then telling them you really do love them.

I might drop NaNoWriMo, not because I don’t intend to finish the story I’m working on but because it’s too short for their 50K word minimum. I’m trying to shorten my stories even more so I can write more stories faster.

This rat is such a sissy. Even a dumb rat should be smart enough to know it doesn’t need to run when I want to pick it up, and it should remember that nothing bad has ever happened to it anytime I’ve handled it in the past. Still don’t know if I want to keep Romeo. If I knew I could get him a roommate I liked better while he was content to remain in his cage, I’d keep him for cleaning purposes (they give each other spit baths and can clean places they can’t reach themselves) and to keep each other company when we go on vacation. But I don’t know that he wouldn’t hop on out of the cage with the door open when the other rat was out and I wasn’t around. All I do know is that getting him to return home won’t be an easy task. It’s just that when I let rats out I usually keep their door open in case they want to stop home for a drink or a potty call. Some go home when they’re tired of exploring, climb into their burrow, and go to sleep.

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 6, 2012
So Election Day has arrived and I can only hope that Romney, who hates both women and gays, doesn’t get elected. Most guys are gay. I honestly believe that without a doubt, only most of these gay guys would never dare sleep with another man. Still, if you’re that sexist that you want to control women and see that they don’t have a full bag of rights, doesn’t that mean you not only hate women but that you’re gay as well? Just because a man may not entertain fantasies and thoughts of sleeping with another man doesn’t make him any less gay if he hates women that much. But again, most guys would never admit it, no matter how liberal this country may become if they liked guys in that way. Why else would so many guys favor men if they weren’t gay??? Well, because they ARE gay. They just choose to remain in the closet. Not saying every gay guy or lesbian hates the opposite gender. But hate for the opposite gender IS usually a sign of homosexuality, like it or not. I’m pretty sexist myself, and although Tom may be one of the very few exceptions, I prefer the company of women to men any day. I have shamelessly slept with women and would probably still be doing it if I hadn’t met Tom or some other guy I considered an exception to my usual rule. Why? Because I favor women over men, duh!

So don’t be fooled by the guys who are reluctant to hire women; those are true gays at heart. Just don’t expect them to admit it or to catch them with another guy.

I don’t want any more “gay” presidents who aren’t openly gay yet still accepting of women, so let’s hope America’s obsession with minorities beats the gay guy. The wrong kind of gay guy, that is. He’s not going to openly call us “cunts” and “bitches” but he sure is going to try to control our bodies the first chance he gets, and the openly gay folks can forget about obtaining any more rights because they are what guys like Romney are afraid to admit they also are. Romney CHOSE to pretend he was straight and no one should have to suffer because he didn’t have the balls to be who he was.

And what is it with so many women using their kids as an excuse to stay with abusive men? Shouldn’t that make you more determined to escape? Even if you had to shoot the bastard and no one believed it was self-defense, at least you could know your kids were safe while you were sitting in jail.

Hope I won’t jinx myself in saying so but it’s been weeks since Molly’s been around. Something must be going on with her or maybe she broke her laptop. Her parents aren’t going to be able to afford to keep her in that place forever, though, so sooner or later I would think she’d be back home with way too much time on her hands and a pair of deaf, dumb and blind enabling parents who think she’s “changed.”

As for Kim, I know her habits. She’ll be back on Ask sooner or later. Every week or two she comes around. Meanwhile, I’m sure she’s reading my journal every day.

Just ate more than I’ve eaten at once in weeks. I needed to actually feel full for once and was sick of being hungry so much of the time. The Special K diet may always work so long as you stick to it, but lately I’ve been hungrier and less regular. My body’s building up a tolerance to all the fiber.

Again I’m torn between eating within my comfort zone of about 1500 calories a day, even if it means resuming the slow steady gain I was doing before, but maybe I’ll just use this diet as a maintainer since I’m certainly not going to lose any more on it. I cheat too much for it to work that effectively, especially before periods.

Here goes round #3 of the fucking motorcycle and it’s not even noon yet.

They changed today’s temp from 79° to 78° to 80°. Friday we’re on for a high of only 50° and a low just above freezing. Again, I just wish it would rain more during the daytime and not mostly at night, as that would keep the Jes pest indoors and off the motorcycle. Where the hell has this little cock got to go so often anyway? He doesn’t work, so where is he going? When Tom was out of work we sometimes didn’t go out for days.

Had a dream last night about moving, but it made no sense so I can’t see it as a sign of any kind. Especially since Tom seemed to be a few years younger. The plan was to rent a place till we could get into an adult community in Florida. Well, in the dream we moved to New England. Nothing we’d ever do at any age. If someone wants to give us a quiet place that’s 100% free, fine, we’ll move anywhere. But that’s not going to happen.

In the dream, we rented a house at the end of a dead-end. I stood in the street by myself facing our place. It was daytime and there was about half a foot of snow. There were houses and possibly apartments or condos behind me and to my right. I don’t know what was behind our place, though something seemed to be immediately to the left of it. I looked around and didn’t see or hear a soul. I pictured the place in the summertime and knew it wouldn’t be as peaceful as it was at the moment.

A split second later it was nighttime and I was inside the house waiting for Tom. I thought of whether or not we should remain in New England or head south. I knew my sister would be happy if we stayed there, but I hated the cold and snow. I also wasn’t sure I wanted to deal with the chaos that the warmer weather of the south would bring till we could get into an adult community. As I unpacked our boxes, torn between the two places, I giggled to myself as I thought of letting my blog followers wonder for a while where we’d gone – north, south, back out west…

This rat is such a huge disappointment. Never had one this shy. He won’t even come to me. Hell, he doesn’t even want to come out of his cage. Since when is a rat devoid of curiosity and the desire to explore? He’s a fucktard. If the roommate we plan to get him doesn’t help, I’m returning him to the store even if they won’t refund our money or give us store credit.

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 5, 2012
Romeo is continuing to be very shy, not something I’m too thrilled about at all. A rat’s personality and habits don’t usually change and so I’m not sure whether or not to bring him back or get him a roommate or what. I don’t want to bring him back but I also don’t want to be saddled down with a pet I’m not happy with for the next two years either.

Meanwhile, with or without Romeo, it’s another dry, warm day of mutts and motorcycles. I even heard sawing for a few minutes yesterday but that could’ve been coming from anywhere. It’s going to be cold and rainy by the end of the week, but since it mostly rains at night here whenever it does rain, I’m not counting on it quieting Jesse. The rain will keep him off the bulldozer, but once the sun rises and the rain stops, in and out it goes on its motorcycle. I cannot wait to escape that little cock someday. That leetle weetle cock.

Now it’s time to eat, work out, shower, then get to work. I’ll take breaks here and there to work with Romeo and see if I can pry him out of his shell.

Really can’t wait to see if Maliheh remembers my birthday next month. Yeah, I really can’t wait.

Later…

Most rats are brave, curious, friendly, smart and playful. Sadly, this rat has got to be the shyest we’ve ever had. When I first took him out he was so scared I could feel his whole body vibrating in fear. After a few minutes, though, the vibrating stopped and I thought he would be fine after that. I mean, you would think he’d remember that nothing bad happened to him the first time he was out, right? Wrong. The second time he not only “vibrated” but he shit in fear, too. That’s something they usually only do when you first handle them in the store.

So… he’s turning out to be a real disappointment, I’m sorry to say, though he’s definitely no biter as timid as he is. He usually stays still and allows himself to be patted, too. I’m thinking maybe he needs a roommate to help loosen him up, though they are how they are and there’s not much you can usually do to change that. Still, Tom and I agreed we’d look for a younger buddy next weekend.

I was looking at a list of countries whose population is dropping. Nane’s is one of them. She’s lucky. I’m sick of not being able to go to a store or a restaurant and eat and shop in peace. I miss the days when kids were taught manners, respect and discipline. Ever since the 90s, though, it’s been quite a circus out there. What made so many parents decide it was ok for their kids to be so loud, rude and obnoxious?

My right hip continues to give me trouble at times and doesn’t have as much mobility as the left one. I guess I’m getting a little arthritic, though I thought I was a bit too young for this sort of thing. Some days it’s fine and other days it really hurts whether I’m sitting, standing, or lying down. It’s definitely not an injury, whatever it is, or else it would have healed by now.

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 4, 2012
Heading out to run errands and get the new rat real soon. It sucks to know we’ll have to get to know it to the tune of Jesse roaring in and out all day on that damn Harley that even my tolerant husband finds abrasive. But it’s better than the place reeking of skunks as bad as it did last night. We don’t know what’s up with all the skunk activity this year, but OMG! It was so fucking strong that it woke me up and I had to light a stick of incense.

Oh shit! It’s barely after 8am and the cock is already starting with the loud engines. I heard either the motorcycle or a truck start up and then it stopped. Why can’t he just get on/in the damn thing and go?!

Tom got a home testing kit for diabetes. My numbers were surprisingly high - 133. I always used to think that only heavy people got diabetes, but as Tom said and the test showed, that’s not always true, not that those numbers mean I’m diabetic. They just mean, keep on exercising and keep the weight down or else!

Trying not to get my hopes up, but we’re looking to get into a park that’s not only got some nice homes and spacious yet compact 1000 or so square feet I’d prefer (why cool/clean all that extra footage?) but it’s a resident-owned park instead of owned by a corporation. This not only means the residents vote to make the park rules themselves instead of the company, but we’d only have to pay $350 a month in HO fees! Talk about a MAJOR compensation for the struggling we did our first 4 years here! Hopefully, God wouldn’t pick on our health instead but damn would we have serious dough saved! First I used to say that as long as we had enough for necessities I didn’t care if we had money in savings. Then I used to say I wanted to always have 2K in savings so we could get a new used car if this one crapped out and wasn’t worth fixing. Then I used to say I wanted 2K plus 6-12 months of expenses covered should he be jobless again which is what we’ve got saved now. Now my attitude is that you can never have enough in savings!

Later…

Romeo has arrived! He’s a little sleepy and timid thus far since we had to wake him up at the store. He looks EXACTLY like our last rat – dark brown with white “socks” and a vanilla belly. He’s 4-6 months old and was in the store for over a month. Sure enough, some kid was running around screaming at the time, which didn’t help as the attendant was removing him from the cage. But he didn’t bite or try to run. He was just a little nervous as they usually are at first.

He had two older roommates with white fur and red eyes. They were pretty wound up in comparison so we took just Romeo.

Before picking up Romeo, we made a few stops and got a lot of fun stuff minus Renate’s postcard. No one seems to have postcards in this damn town. Not the drug store, not Kmart, not anyone. So we’ll pick one up later on at the California Welcome Center if we have to. The UPS Store would also have some, but they’re closed on Sundays.

You can still pick up your mail on Sundays at UPS Store boxes, so we grabbed our mail and found a couple of surprises waiting for us. A really nice homemade Halloween card from Andy, and a sample of Tom Ford Black Orchid perfume oil in a vial from my favorite online perfume oil & incense store folks. I figured they weren’t going to send the sample after all, then I forgot all about it. So it was a pleasant surprise and it smells great, too.

We went to Radioshack and picked up some new power strips and wire ties to get most of them out of the rat’s reach once he’s running around loose. Then it was off to a drugstore where I got neon green nail polish, a cat calendar for next year, and a trio of glitter lip gloss in different flavors. Sugar cookie, gingerbread and strawberry cheesecake. I also got a bundle of ankle socks, which are good for working out. There are 4 white pairs as well as one in green, blue, pink and purple. Then I got a pair of pink super soft socks for lounging around which have little rubber dots on the soles to prevent slipping.

Our last stop was Kmart. I was really startled to see just how fat, old and ugly I looked when I caught a glimpse of myself in a full-length mirror there. BUT… there’s nothing I can do about it. We all get old and we all gain weight with age.

Got a beautiful stretch bracelet with colorful gems there, and that was it for today.

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 3, 2012
Got the tunes blasting now cuz Jesse’s driving me crazy with that fucking motorcycle again. It’s barely after 1pm and he’s already come and gone twice and now he’s sitting up there stopping and starting the fucking thing.

Why me? Huh? Why me? Why do I get this type of shit every single fucking place I go? Mormons with 6 little kids, welfare bums, college kids, band members, motorcyclists, slobs, perverts, crazies… I’ve had every single type of problem neighbor under the sun. What will I be in for in a 55+ park?

Saw a promising place and although it only had 1 bath I figured we could have a half-bath installed, but then saw it was at an all-age park. Still not sure if we should go for a dump and fix it up exactly to our tastes or get something nicer, but we’ll probably go somewhere in the middle. That way it’s not a dump but I can personalize it easier. The more money we have the more choices we have, so it’s taking longer to figure it all out. I’m trying not to let Jesse’s shit and our shitty connection rush us out of here, but man am I getting sick of being able to go online when THEY say so and not whenever we want to. They’re still shutting us down in the mornings and evenings. I haven’t been able to stream music or movies in ages. I miss having a fast, reliable, round-the-clock connection! But I gotta deal with it cuz by the time we pick out a place, deal with the credit thing we’re disputing and other things, it’s going to be well into the spring. Still, just like we’re no longer the designated family poor-assed bums, we won’t always live like we’re lazy druggies either.

Speaking of living like doped-up lazies, I finally saw pics of my parents’ condo. So that’s how well they were living while we lived like bums, huh? Well, it doesn’t surprise me, but like I said, Part 1 changed and so will Part 2. They could have kept their Jacuzzi, though. Jacuzzis were never a big deal to me, though we did have one once in Arizona, as well as a pool. The pool I miss, but we’ll have one again soon enough. The good thing is that we won’t have to care for it and it won’t be full of screaming kids like apartment pools being in an adult community, though technically visiting kids could use the pool.

Anyway, Tammy called but I chose not to call back cuz it wasn’t urgent and she knows I’m not big on phones. Still not sure why she didn’t message me on Facebook or email me. If she’s got power, she must have Internet, right? I’m suspecting computer problems which would suck for the poor girl. She just got a new computer for God’s sake.

What was funny – I thought she was joking at first – was that she and Mark did up a will leaving me pictures and the poodle, LOL. That’s sweet of her, but I think she should just stay alive. We never saw the need to bother with a will ourselves. As I told her, if we die, it’s simple – do what you want with our shit and our bodies. We won’t be needing any of it anymore anyway. We have lots of nice stuff, too. You’d never guess what was in here just by looking at the outside of this dump.

She said something about Mark’s birthday, too. I left messages on her wall and privately, so we’ll see if she gets them. If not, all she has to do is email me. Not sure what I hate more, phone calls or getting a dozen messages a day online, LOL. A part of me misses the pre-internet days. But more of me appreciates the ease and simplicity of it. That’s why I don’t know why she (or anyone else) would want to bother with phones unless it was urgent or it had been a while, like a year or more. I don’t mind, however, her leaving voice messages so long as she keeps in mind she probably won’t get called back most of the time. It’s just that I know talking is easier for her than typing.

Anyway, Tom, who’s enjoying his first Saturday off in two months, brought a ton of cans to the recycling center and got $48. Now we’re rat-proofing for the rat(s) tomorrow. We’re also rearranging the living room a bit. Tom reminded me we’ve got tons of money if I want to have the carpet cleaned, too. Why would I want to have someone else’s carpet cleaned?

I don’t know what I like less, Andy annoying me with shit I’ve told him a thousand times I’m not interested in, making a joke of certain things that aren’t funny at all, or the chilling prediction he made the other day saying I would eventually experience something big in the way of natural disasters. He said he didn’t know when or what it would be. I’ve known Andy long enough to know he’s not just a lucky guesser. We’re safe from natural disasters here, but if we moved to Spain or Florida that’d put us more at risk, especially in Florida. Even more chilling is knowing God hates us enough to have us be one of the ones to be hardest hit. If we’ve got a lot of money and are in good health, why not destroy our home then?

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 2, 2012
Got another cloudy day in store for us, then it’s back to sunny 70s.

Tom learned that they’ll be getting bonuses that vary between $100 - $300 a month, depending on OT. Unfortunately, he’s the most likely to do OT cuz he’s the only one who knows how to do the job he’s doing. They say, however, that they’re really going to make an effort to cut back the OT cuz everyone’s burned out and complaining. After two months of working Saturdays, we really hope he can have tomorrow off so he can bring all the damn cans to the recycling center which would practically pay for a week’s worth of groceries. Then Sunday we’re going to wash both of the big comforters, pick up Renate’s postcard, and then hopefully pick out a rat or two.

I really appreciate Renate’s daily German lessons. They’ve been helping a lot and it goes to show just how much of a passion she has for teaching since she’s doing it on her own time and without any pay. I’ve learned quite a bit these last two years, but it’s still easier to understand what I read than it is to pull things out of thin air on my own. I’m getting better at it, though, and what’s most important is that even if I’m not always 100% correct, Renate still understands what I’m saying.

But the more I work on my German, the more my Italian becomes neglected. That’s why I asked my Serbian friend to ask me questions in Italian on Ask, which I guess is her second language. My Spanish and SL would be hard to mess up because I learned so much so young. But I didn’t study Italian till 2009.

I really wish this shit with my parents’ estate and all that could be wrapped up so we could know what, if anything, to expect. I’m tired of waiting month after month, though I still think we should settle for something we don’t like that much. Not an all-out piece of shit, but I really, really do think that the more we like where we’re living the more likely something up there will be to take it away from us. After what happened in Maricopa and Oregon (despite how dangerous Maricopa became and the shitty climate in Oregon), what else am I supposed to think? Something up there does not want us in nicer, newer houses. Either way, the longer I want something that doesn’t happen month after month, the more I tend to lose interest. I’m not saying I’m giving up moving, but I’m not actively thinking and planning around it anymore either. If we find a place, fine. If we don’t, fine. There are pros and cons to both renting someone else’s place in the woods and owning our own place in the city. We could buy a comfortable enough although not very nice looking place right now. So if Tom, who’s the one who’s been looking at the daily listings, sees anything worth checking into, he’ll let me know.

I realize, though, that just because we decided to wait for a doublewide which is more expensive and bigger, that doesn’t mean it has to be “nice” or “new” or anything I’d really like that much. I don’t think it’s the amount of space that matters to whatever’s up there. All it seems to care about is that I stay the hell out of anything nice and new. Well, we could get a ’70s place that’s not very nice at all but that still has adequate footage and still be “safe” from losing it. It’s just gonna take us a few more months of saving before we have enough for one of those, so I still think we’ll be here well into next spring when you add up the time it will take to save up some more money, pick out a place, and then go through all the paperwork. Like I said, I’m not going to sweat it anymore. It happens WHEN it happens IF it happens, and as always, whatever’s meant to be will be. For now, I’m going to enjoy the fact that no one lives an arm’s reach away from us.

It’s that time of morning when our provider takes it upon themselves to shut us down for a while, so I think I’ll go take my shower now. Not much else to say anyway other than that I’m pissed at myself for putting back half the weight I lost.

It was nice hearing from Alison, too. She did join this year’s NaNoWriMo after all. She might be working with the FBI full-time. I now call her Agent P, LOL.

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 1, 2012
Woke up to find it raining out. Why does it always rain at night?! Well, it mostly does here anyway. I’m sure it will dry up enough to let the Jes pest outdoors again today. It was mostly quiet yesterday but I heard something being slammed around up there as well as the ATV at one point.

It’s NaNoWriMo time again, but this year I’m doing it alone since Alison’s busy helping the FBI with some phishing case and Kim went crazy on me. That’s ok. I don’t mind. The word count thing is a great motivator.

There’s been more talk of monthly bonuses at work, Tom says, but no sign of the OT backing off anytime soon.

I know this isn’t much of an entry, but there simply isn’t much to say right now.

---

Last updated August 15, 2024