June 2012 in 2010s

SATURDAY, JUNE 30, 2012
My day turned out pretty well, although the neighborhood stakeout has been delayed. When I got up Tom told me he’d tell me all the promising things he found out about once I had a chance to wake up. So I woke up with yellow jacket #2 waiting to greet me in the bathroom, downed some coffee, and told him I hoped he had something good for me since my dreams weren’t telling me anything spectacular.

In one dream we both got handguns to carry on us for protection, though neither of us seemed bothered by anyone in particular. Then we were living in some building. I don’t know what it was. It didn’t seem like a hotel or an apartment building, but it was huge, whatever it was.

So Tom said he found more sites with more promising places selling from 16K-40K. Because he wants to check these sites more thoroughly and because of my schedule, we’re going to bump the neighborhood stakeout up to next weekend. What’s cool is that the place we end up getting may not just come with a dishwasher but with a full-size washer and dryer too!

What’s most important is that we don’t go biting off more than we can chew like we did in Arizona. I hate to have the place – any place – suck up all of our money so that we’re unable to save anything. We realize that although it would take a little longer, we could save for a house in an adult community, which in the end would compare to a trailer that’s paid off in just a few years or less but that you have to continue to pay lot fees on afterward, but we’d still prefer the trailer. The monthly fees will be cheaper than the mortgage payments would’ve been and you get more than just a home and a lot to keep it on. You get a community pool you never have to take care of yourself, plus other amenities. Another reason is that if we decide to move to Spain or Florida when he retires, it’ll be easier to sell a trailer than a house, and when I say “trailer” I don’t mean anything like the little old heap of shit we’re in now.

I still worry about cars parking too close, barking and annoying kids visiting, but I don’t think these things will be that big of a deal. If they are then 55+ places would be absolutely nothing like I’ve always heard they are. Still, I can’t imagine getting there and ending up hating it.

FRIDAY, JUNE 29, 2012
When I realized a whole week had almost passed without hearing from Nane, I knew something was up. I’ve gotten to know her online habits pretty well, depending on what country she’s in.

So I sent her a message letting her know that her Lady Rainbow missed her this week. I signed off with my usual weirdness: Light some Burberry incense, hug a rat today, eat a caramel Popsicle, and get back to me when you can.

She got back to me today and sure enough, something was up. First, though, she said, “Hug a rat? Nein!!!” LOL Anyway, she had really bad cramps Sunday night and had to go to the hospital. She didn’t say why, though. Meanwhile, she’s been staying at Askim’s house and had to go to her doctor when she got back to Munich, which I guess was sometime today (now yesterday in her case).

Andy’s about to head to Hyannis for a week of vacation and says he’ll have access to his niece’s computer while he’s there but will give Ask a break. Ask is losing its luster anyway.

I got a kick out of how Andy said he loves reading my journal even though I’m a complainer. Damn right, I am! LOL, and damn good at it, too.

I’m a little worried about Alison. First it was because of her physical health and now it’s because of her mental health. I always considered her one of my most sane and intelligent friends. But lately, it’s like she’s losing it or something. She’s not saying or doing anything crazy, but she seems to be drowning in a well of depression though not suicidal.

No one’s got me as worried as my husband who I didn’t hear coming in just a few feet from where I sit. Sure heard the Jes pest come in, though, at nearly 200’ away. Sad, huh? Even sadder that I’ve got to wonder if I’ll have to run sound machines all night tonight to drown out barking. It is Friday night. I don’t understand why these damn dogs are so afraid to be left alone. Especially at night and really early in the morning.

Anyway, there doesn’t seem to be any end in sight to the 10-hour shifts at his job so now he has to work 48 hours a week and live like a bum while some that work 20, if even that, get to live like queens and kings.

He’s exhausted and he has no life. So is this how our lovely God is going to stop us from moving and keep me away from the dentist; by making sure there’s no time to do these things? We’re out in the country. I couldn’t just walk, ride a bike or take a bus.

Tom and I just talked some more and he’s feeling a little better now that he’s had a chance to rest and unwind. We found another doublewide 2 bed/2 bath for just 15K, but it’s not quite as nice inside. Like I said, I don’t expect the Rolls Royce of them all or anything brand-spanking new. But to be done with the dumps would be nice, too. We’d have no privacy at all, but I don’t spend much time outdoors anyway. There’s also one for 21K we’re looking at. There was a super nice one for 26K that disappeared today. But it’s not listed as sold. We’re hoping they pulled it off with plans of reducing it, cuz if they do, that’s the one we’re going after. It was fucking gorgeous!

This weekend we’ll stake out some 55+ parks, but probably won’t know how hard or easy it will be to get a nicer place that we can’t buy outright till next weekend. Or at least on our way to knowing by then.

Short-term wise I wish I’d hurry up and get my period! My boobs are such water balloons that when I went to put my sports bra on I felt like I was stuffing the damn things into a training bra. I just want to punch them right off my chest, yank my uterus out, and be done with the whole damn thing!

I heard what might’ve been a woodchipper running earlier when I stepped outside to hang sheets. My first thought was that it was Jesse on the bulldozer till I realized I could only hear it outside. He also wouldn’t be working in the middle of a hot afternoon. It was coming from up at the summit somewhere. There’s someone else up there who’s like Jesse which means they’re always doing something. It sure beats all that sawing that could be heard indoors for over 6 months several times a week.

THURSDAY, JUNE 28, 2012
Tom’s finally entered “adulthood,” LOL, and we’re now eligible to move into a 55+ community! Poor guy has to spend his birthday working, but oh well. It happens to the best of us, doesn’t it? The money he’s going to make just today alone is quite a nice birthday present even if he does have to work for it.

We thought of another potential problem if we decide, for whatever reason, to grab a small cheap trailer till we get what we want. The 55+ parks with manufactured homes and houses all say that only one resident per household needs to be 55 while the other needs to be at least 45. Well, the older, dumpier trailer parks don’t say this at all. Does that mean you both have to be 55???

Although I’m trying not to think of it, I’ve got every possible problem we could encounter flying through my head right now. God has proven that He does not want us living where we want to. It would be totally like Him to have them change the rules on all adult communities forbidding anyone under 55 to live there now that Tom’s 55. I just worry about any number of things going wrong and us being stuck here saving just to find that the place we want is twice as expensive a year or two from now. The one thing most people say about God that I do believe is that all things are possible with Him. So if He really wants to stop us He can and He will, leaving us with no other options but to stay here or get something in the mainstream. If there’s anything I hate to do it’s to struggle for what isn’t meant to be. Sooner or later we’ll both be 55, which would mean He would then have to do something else to keep us out of an adult community if He was hell-bent on doing so. I started to tell myself nothing up there could hate us that much or be that mean and unfair, but who the hell am I kidding, right?

I guess that like I said before, once we actually talk to someone, we’ll have a better idea of what we’re up against. We just had to wait till Tom turned 55. I just want to know if we’re wasting time with something that isn’t meant to be. I hate chasing the impossible, so if it isn’t to be I’d like to know it so I can choose between the options that are meant to be and get on with life.

I don’t know why I thought I “saw a light in the dark” for the first time like I said I did. I guess that learning that there are some affordable homes for sale after all in these places got the better of me. What may very well be a case of serious wishful thinking more or less tricked me into thinking it was more possible than it may actually be. Just because we don’t need 100K or more to get a place doesn’t mean we can still get a place. There’s nothing to say for sure that we can get what we want. Even if it looks like we eventually can, things can and do come up along the way to throw us off the paths we choose to walk down. I guess all we can do is hope that someday, someway, we’ll get to live in a place with adequate space that’s not as old or older than I am and that has no barking.

Tom knocked down a couple of starter hives on the porch rafters yesterday. Why are these fuckers such a problem this year???

Later…

I’m in a surprisingly good mood despite what just happened earlier and what’s going to happen tomorrow while I’m sleeping.

I turned on the faucet and found the water pressure was low and I’m like, great. Just great. Now we’ve gone from plumbing problems every other month to every other week. Not only that, the kitchen faucet is off-balance, the tub faucet still leaks, and when I went outside to check for leaks I could see that rodents had torn the insulation out from underneath pretty much everywhere and not just in pockets. In other words, the place is falling apart.

So I called Jesse and let him know the pressure was low. With a well, you have to jump on these things right away or else it could become a much bigger problem if not a downright crisis. When our pressure is low downhill here, Jesse has no water at all up at his place.

He was attending a funeral when I called him, even though you’d never know it by the way he was dressed. I’ve also decided I like him better drunk than sober cuz he’s so much more jovial yet my extra years and pounds keeps him in line. The only thing that’s annoying is the way he repeats himself so much, interrupts me, and asks the same questions over and over again. Didn’t smell any booze on his breath, though.

He said he was irrigating and working on his truck this morning (I’m glad I wasn’t awake to have to deal with that one) so he may’ve left something on up there. So he ATVd down to the pump house, then back here a few minutes later, saying that the tank was filling back up and our water would be fine in an hour. It’s a good thing I hadn’t showered yet.

He asked what my hours were and I told him I’d been getting up around noon and to beat on the bedroom wall if he ever needed to get a hold of me when I was asleep cuz I’d never hear the main door over the sound machine. It’s too far away to put out enough vibration to jolt me awake. He was kind enough to say he didn’t want to bother me, not to ask why I can’t just “get up” every morning, and to jump on the water issue right away. Like I said he’s a lousy neighbor, but a good landlord. So I told him not to worry about doing what he wants to do tomorrow morning and that if he wakes me up I’ll know it’s him and just go back to sleep. He said he’d be quiet, though. I guess he’s going to run water down in some spare tank he’s had sitting out there for the last couple of weeks that will supposedly stop this from happening again. Wish he’d done this 4 years ago! But it does need to be done so I told him not to worry about me and just go for it. Although I would’ve loved to say so, I didn’t let him know that that’s nothing compared to the sleep I may lose trying to get out of his fucking dump, LOL.

Oh, I told him I was sorry for going off on him a couple of weeks ago and that I was basically just cursing life itself but not blaming anyone in particular, like one curses the rain for ruining their outdoor plans even if it’s no one’s fault. He said he understood and that we all have our days.

So he returned to the funeral saying he’d be back in an hour and to call up to him if there were any problems then. Again he was rather uppity for one attending a funeral. Was the person who croaked anything like Dureen O?

Later…

I’ve just about got the 80s and 90s posted and the Jes pest came down to report that yes, it was his fault that we had water pressure problems because he left a valve of some kind open. Love it when it’s this guy’s stupidity and not something that broke that fucks things up. Still, these common occurrences have you end up missing tap water but without the city chaos to go with it.

Speaking of the city, we’re going into the parts that house 55+ communities to stake the place out and get a better sense of it. I asked Tom if he thought we’d be meeting with anyone this weekend so I know if I should dye my hair tomorrow or next Friday. He said he wanted to drive through the area first. I asked why and he said, “Well, there’s no sense in meeting with anyone if you see it and decide it’s no place you’d ever want to live.”

I doubt I’d decide that, especially in the nicer areas that give you a little more space around you and that contain real houses or modulars, but he has a point. I’d really like to walk up and down the street and see how many dogs it sets off. This will give me an idea of how much they may leave them outside there.

I’m a little worried about Tom. They’re really running him ragged at work. Do they realize that their employees are people and not these little machines or robots? He points out how nice the money is but I don’t care about money if he’s going to end up sick. It sucks that his birthday wasn’t the least bit fun. He gets paid biweekly and after taxes, the man has been taking home $1200 - $1400. We don’t need any more OT if he’s always going to be so rundown. When we pay the rent we’ll dip just under 5K in savings, but in a couple of weeks, it’ll be just over 5K. When we estimated we could save about 6K a year in this place that was a very conservative guess. That was without even trying to save. If we cut back on groceries and I worked even more at MT, we could come closer to the 10K – 15K range. So we’re at the point now where we’d be ok if they cut his OT cuz we have half a year of rent saved now.

Damn! Just damn! It sounds really weird being able to say that! It sounds weird just thinking it! Maybe God doesn’t hate us so much after all. Just hope it lasts! Meaning that just because Tom could use a break from the OT, we don’t want to go back to struggling either.

Later…

Sometimes I think it would be cool to learn a language that doesn’t use my lettering system. It’s just that none of those without the alpha-beta system has ever appealed to me. There’s nothing interesting to me about Russian, for example, and the Asian and Arabic languages are ugly.

Jesse doused the tanks with bleach again so I smelled of it after my shower. I put on extra perfume to try to mask it but ended up simply smelling like fruity bleach.

Now that my hair is getting longer I’ll need to start using a detangler again to get through the mass of curls. It has thinned out over the years somewhat, but that basically means going from insanely thick to just thick.

Brown eyes are the most common, I just read, while mine are the least. Seems I’ve heard that before. That’s good, though, because seeing an awful lot of green eyes running around out there would be, well, an eyesore.

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 27, 2012
The new thoughts.com sucks shit! I deactivated my account. They not only needlessly changed the entire layout, but they took away a couple of handy features and stripped every single picture and TIP code out of all my posts. A lot of people were complaining from what I could see. The people running these sites just don’t seem to get that if we didn’t like them just as they were, we never would have signed up in the first place. So Thoughts as I once knew it will never exist again no matter how many people complain because people are going to do what they want to do no matter what. Especially if the site is free. It’s also still full of bugs and running slow as a snail. I had two accounts there, one being through Facebook. That one I couldn’t shut down because it wouldn’t let me log in through FB, so I sent them a message asking them to deactivate it and why. So they either do or they don’t.

The yellow jackets are back to hanging out in the bathroom window so Tom will have to check for hives when he gets in. Oh, the joy of country living! If we can’t figure it out and they keep showing up, we’ll bomb the place again.

I got to wake up to barking today. Lucky me, huh? With nothing running it could be heard so well in here, reminding me that trying to soundproof a trailer would be pointless, even if you did the doors as well. I had to scream at them twice to get them to shut up.

Tom will soon be paid $25 to make himself bleed, LOL. He’s been having to do so much OT that he doesn’t get off work before the lab closes, so they’re mailing him some kit that’ll allow him to take a blood test from home. It’s just one of those things where he pricks his finger, smears blood on a piece of paper or whatever it is, and mails it back.

They’re talking more and more about a second shift, which would be both good and bad. It’d be bad in that there goes the OT unless they gave him a raise, but good because it would free up some business hours so we could do things like go to dentists and move.

The question is when will we move? We both agree I could probably sleep in one of those cheaper trailers with the sound machines blaring but we hate to get a place based on probablys. It’s pretty much guaranteed that I wouldn’t get any peace while I was awake. I would think it couldn’t be any worse than hotels, though as rough as it was, I did survive nearly a year in one before we moved in here.

I really would rather not make a trailer our next stop on the way to getting what we want. I would really like to go straight into something we want. Obviously, the more money we have, the more likely this will happen. As Tom said, the absolute soonest we could do that would be this weekend while the absolute latest we could do it would be two years with the most realistic being sometime this year. We won’t have a better idea of just how long it will take until we actually talk to someone and we can’t do that till he turns 55. That will be tomorrow, so hopefully this weekend we can get the ball rolling. I’m willing to stay here a few more months to get to the gold. A couple more years, no. If it came down to a couple more years here or buying our own cheap little trailer, I’d buy our own and take the $200 monthly savings and the peace of mind of knowing we’re the bosses of the place.

The type of place we really want averages between 25K - 40K and is a 2-bedroom, 2-bath with a garage. They’re fairly modern manufactured homes that would be as nice as the one we had only not quite as big. It would be bigger than the Phoenix house, though. I didn’t realize until Tom pointed it out that when the realtor told us the Phoenix house was 1470 square feet, he was counting the garage. So the place was probably closer to 1200. What we’re looking at would be in the 1400-1500 range.

I’m torn between thinking we’ll get it (eventually) and thinking we won’t. Looking at it logically, there’s no reason we can’t keep saving till we have enough. On the other hand, why would we have lost a nice house and been living in bummy little old dives ever since if we were meant to have anything nice?

TUESDAY, JUNE 26, 2012
While it continues to have a way of making me feel insulted to keep getting an endless supply of attention from the fat, ugly and crazies of the world, I can’t deny that Aira really is a sweet person. No doubt about it. She doesn’t just tell me about herself, she asks about me.

That feeling of being so sure we were on the road to owning the place of our dreams has left me. Why? Not because I suddenly think it’s impossible, but because I don’t think it will happen anytime soon the more I think about it. If we had 26K in our hands right now that would buy us a nice house outright where we wanted to be with no credit checks or questions asked. The problem is we don’t have that kind of money right now. We’ve got around 5K and that won’t get you very far these days unless you’re willing to settle for an older, undersized trailer in a 55+ park that’s not as nice. It’s either that or stay here another 3-4 years till we have more money saved. The only problem is that by then that 26K house may be 46K.

Another thing is that once you factor in the fact that we’d have to pay utilities, we’d only save an extra $200 a month if we bought a cheaper trailer to stay in till we could buy what we really wanted. Better than nothing, and better to own it outright than to rent and deal with pesky landlords, but I’m really worried I may not get any sleep there. I intend to take Nane’s advice and just stay put if I have any doubts after going and seeing the place in person. The problem is that there are things we couldn’t know without actually living there, and once we do live there, it’s not like we could turn around and leave that easily like checking out of a hotel. Once we’re in, we’re in.

In just 4 months the NHA projects in CT landed me in the hospital after the animals that lived there continually deprived me of my sleep and ultimately my sanity. And I was still young! I did smoke, though, and my asthma was pretty out of hand at the time, but nonetheless, I ended up so sick that I was hospitalized for two weeks. It was then that my dad, who came up from Florida to help out, arranged for me to go from my sister’s house where I spent a few days following my discharge, to Andy’s place in Arizona.

So would I be able to sleep in one of these 3K trailers so long as the sound machine was blaring? sighs I don’t know. I just don’t know. Unfortunately, it’s not like buying a car so there’s no way to test the waters for a week or two before actually buying it.

There are other things to consider besides people slamming car doors all day that may jolt me awake when on nights, and that’s landscaping projects. Most of this could probably be drowned out, but if they’re mowing, blowing and trimming regularly it could get old pretty fast. There doesn’t look like there’s nearly as much to do as opposed to the apartment complexes I once lived in, but it’s another one of those things to consider.

Another thing I wonder is how often people may come to our door. They may not be landlords and we don’t have to let them in, but how often might the park people come to tell us there’ll be a party that night in the clubhouse? How often might the people that live there come to offer to sell us cookies for some fundraiser they may be having?

Aside from these unanswered questions that might or might not get me sicker than a dog in no time at all (today it’s the other way around; I don’t smoke, my asthma has gone dormant, but I’m not young) there are things I know I would definitely like. Mail doesn’t get delivered straight to the trailers but to the clubhouse. That way if we’re expecting a package while I’m on nights, we don’t have to worry about not being around to get it. They may leave it by our door, though, and that’d be fine too in a covered area. I’m sure the porch roof doesn’t leak like it does here as they’re not going to allow for slop jobs there.

I would love to be able to go swimming whenever the weather permitted, relax in the Jacuzzi, and walk to the clubhouse to mail outgoing mail, not that we have much these days with the way everything’s done online, and I think they might have fitness and arts and crafts centers, too. I have a treadmill, but I’ve always wanted to try an elliptical machine, too. I don’t like to walk. I like to run. That’s what my body’s trained to do. An elliptical machine would cancel out the joint impact.

Sometimes I still think we’ll never live where we really want to live. Would we have been in tiny old dumps all these years if that weren’t where we were meant to be? The slightest doubt and I’m not moving. Not after making too many dumb moves in the past. Even Tom said we’re done being stupid. I certainly don’t want to stay here much longer, but at least the annoyances here are familiar and confined to just two sources – dogs and loud motors. Jesse’s never going to slam car doors regularly a few feet from our place. He’s never going to have dogs just a few feet away. He’s never going to have anyone with little kids visiting just a few feet away. He’s never going to mow, blow and trim trees and bushes on a regular basis. There’s never going to be regular turnovers a few feet away where I have to hold my breath and hope to not get noisy neighbors yet again, although people usually own the places in the 55+ parks and so there wouldn’t be the kind of turnovers you can expect with rentals. The house next to us in Phoenix (we were on the corner and had only one immediate neighbor) went from an owned home to a city-owned rental. A family with a couple of kids and dogs moved out shortly after I joined Tom there a few months after he got the house from his brother who moved into his new wife’s house. Next came the Mormons and their 5 kids and dog. Then came the black, bass-thumping welfare bums followed by the Mexican welfare bums that virtually lived outdoors round the clock and made the Mormon family seem tiny. We all have our different likes, habits and traditions and that’s fine… until it affects and puts others out.

There was this trailer going for a little over 4K that wasn’t quite as nice inside but was actually the most appealing so far for several reasons. It has an extra room that was added on, a stackable washer/dryer, and a dishwasher. Also, it’s sort of on an “island.” The lot sort of juts out and prevents any trailers from sandwiching it in. We could run out and buy it this weekend, but like I said, I’m not sure this would be a wise thing to do. sighs I don’t want to take any chances I may regret and end up thinking this place wasn’t so bad after all like when things got so bad in Sacramento that I realized the Caribbean cruise we went on wasn’t so hectic after all. But I also don’t want to stay here. It’s either move and take a chance or stay here and dream.

The dreams I’ve had are not at all hopeful as far as signs of anything better to come on the horizon. There were two dreams that I recall. In one we were back in the Phoenix house. I noticed the back door was cracked. I pulled it open and gazed out at the pool. Part of the surface was covered with grass. I shut the door and turned to a desk that Tom had been using and sat to the right of the kitchen doorway. Soft music was playing from a portable radio. I reached to turn it off, but the buttons and knobs kept multiplying the more I tried to figure out which one turned it off, so I gave up. I walked through the kitchen and into the living room where Tom sat dozing on and off in a plush chair. “Don’t forget to shut the back door,” I told him, then I asked if we could afford to get the pool in shape for the hottest part of the summer, and he said yes.

In the second dream, Tom and I were sitting in a parking lot looking at 3 scummy buildings that were part of an apartment complex which not even Tom liked the looks of. “God would just love us if we lowered ourselves to this shit and put up with the untold amount of noise that’s got to reside within these walls,” I said as I studied the buildings that actually looked more like giant old houses. I knew one housed rooms while another housed studios with kitchens and baths and another housed 1-bedroom apartments. It then hit me that Andy had once lived there for a few months and described it more like a rooming house than anything else. “This is the Montana,” I said next. Weird name for it, but that’s what it was.

A split second later I was on the upper floor in what appeared to be a single room while Tom waited in the car. A small suitcase and my handbag sat on the foot of the bed, which was topped with a thin, worn white bedspread. Some of my things were scattered about including my little puppy figurine, which may not actually be called a figurine since it’s not that small and is covered with real goat fur.

I then peered out of the room and into a somewhat small hallway. There were maybe 4 other rooms, plus the community bathroom and the stairs leading downward. A few young women were milling about the hall, all appearing to be in their late teens to early 20s. A snobby-looking chick wordlessly passed by me and somehow I knew she was in charge of the renters. She went into the room across the hall, came back out, and then motioned me back into my room. She wanted to fill out the paperwork for the room, but still seemed very unhappy about me living there, which I assumed was because I was older.

“Wait a minute,” I said. “My husband and I would want a 1-bedroom if we’re going to stay here. He’s 55 and makes good money. What do those rent for, between $400 and $600?”

“At least,” said the woman, who began to talk to this ghost that Andy had told me they talked to when he lived there.

I gathered my stuff, worried someone had stolen the puppy while I wasn’t looking.

In other words, I guess this dream translates to… We shouldn’t have left Phoenix but gotten rid of the problem next door and remodeled the place instead. However, we’d never have escaped the music anyway. But we did leave and now all that’s available to us are old dumps with crazy snobs and potential thieves unless we go to some shit state that’s a virtual icebox practically year-round like Montana.

MONDAY, JUNE 25, 2012
Oh no! I just went to log into thoughts.com and got a blank screen with a message saying they were upgrading to the new version, come back tomorrow. sighs This is like the third or fourth upgrade in just a few years! Let me guess… it’s going to be slow as hell and full of bugs, right? And they’re gonna change so much shit around that it’ll be like waking up to find all our furniture and other things rearranged and I’ll have to hunt for and learn new ways of doing things, right? How many features will they take away that I like and how many worthless ones will they add while they’re at it?

The Jes pest is as he usually is – good landlord, lousy neighbor. There was no overnight barking over the weekend, but from the sound of it, he’s back to driving that insanely loud truck of his. So now I have to hear that on top of the motorcycle. This is the last cool day too, which may bring out the worst in him, but it’s already afternoon and well into his drinking time so we’ll see.

Tom says the Internet was so bad this morning and will call them this afternoon if it hasn’t improved by the time he got home. It’s been holding steady for me so far, but there’s usually no service in patches. It can be fine all day but then out at night or vice versa. It’s truly terrible and I know I should wait till we get out of here before I do anything that isn’t absolutely necessary, like post old journals or work on MT. You don’t know the frustration of getting knocked offline in the middle of a $5 survey that only takes 5 minutes to do.

As Tom pointed out, though, if we can’t get what we want and have to settle for a year or two to save money, we may still be stuck with a shitty DSL line. Not all of the older parks have cable strung to them.

I really hope, though I don’t expect it, that we end up in a manufactured home instead of a trailer cuz they’re built more like houses and aren’t quite as close as the trailers. I’d still rather own a trailer than rent this place but I still worry it’d be noisy as hell. Even though a couple of old people sitting outside talking at a reasonable volume isn’t “noisy” - if I’m just an arm’s length away in a flimsy trailer, it might as well be. Even if I could sleep ok there, do you know how hard it would be to concentrate on my writing while people are slamming doors, chatting, barking and possibly having screaming kids visit? No one wants to be indoors in a temperate climate that rarely rains. Then again, I hear enough shit here too. It’s just not as often and it’s usually either just barking or loud motors. But if they blast their TV or music by an open window we might hear it just fine. It’s still better than nothing, though, and I’d love the hell out of the savings.

According to what Tom recently learned, we did the soundproofing all wrong in Phoenix in trying to block out the antics of the animals next to us there. It was better than nothing but you could still hear plenty. Every bark, every scream, every beat of the base in their fucking cars, every slam of the basketball into the pavement. We threw acoustic tiling in the windows and sealed the edges with foam that expands as it dries. Well, what we should’ve done was overlap, not fill, the windows with sheetrock and sealed the edges with silicone. This supposedly doesn’t transfer the sound vibrations. I don’t see what good any of this would do us in a trailer, though, that has flimsy walls and no attic. The trailer is also elevated which allows for sounds to reverberate underneath.

It would just be nice if we could stop “happening” to get the extremes. Most people have dogs, but most don’t have motorcycles and super loud trucks and bulldozers and dirt bikes and ATVs.

In another extreme we just “happened” to get, we were in a duplex that was perpendicular to another one occupied by a mother and daughter up in Oregon. Every day, practically round the clock, they would go back and forth between the two units. Whenever they’d slam doors, a split second later the sound would reverberate underneath our bedroom and you would hear and feel a little “slap” that sounded almost like someone kicked the underside of the room.

As far as I remember, though, the house we rented where Kim’s driveway ran alongside it wasn’t an issue. I woke up from loud car stereos much more often than I did from her car doors or her company’s. In fact, I don’t think she ever woke me up. But it was annoying when I was awake. I also slept with better sound machines there, so that was probably part of what helped.

I added Duewi (Marie), back on FB. She’s married now so hopefully her wife will keep her from pestering me. The wife doesn’t look gay and has a couple of kids. She’s sort of between pretty and plain. I’m just so glad she met someone. She believed she would be alone forever and I started to wonder about this too. If she were straight she probably would be alone cuz guys are bigger on youth and thinness (though she is thin) than women are. I’m just glad to see her happy these days. I remember back when she told me she had a crush on me all these years. “Why didn’t you tell me when we were in Valleyhead?” I asked her. Well, she was with Judy at the time so she didn’t see the point in telling me.

It’s amazing how sometimes it’s those we least expect that actually become quite special to us. Sometimes the person you’re so sure is a cold-hearted bitch from hell after some silly misunderstandings is actually a carbon copy of yourself in many ways and you find you have the same brain that thinks, feels and believes so much alike with few exceptions like whether or not Karen Carpenter is a good singer.

Later…

We learned something very interesting about the trip I won in 2007. Tom asked me to pull our birth certificates from the filing box to get what’s left of his measly pension going till they scrap that too. Get both of them, he told me, and I was like, you have two birth certificates? He jokingly said, “Yeah, for both times I was born.” LOL, what he really meant was the original and a copy of the original.

I was sitting at my computer as I joked back and said, “Do born-again Christians have two birth certificates?” and posted this interesting question on Facebook. 29 minutes later it had 2 likes, LOL.

Anyway, I saw that he pulled out the little booklet we were sent when I won the 10-day trip to Italy, as well as the travel certificate. A few minutes later he came back into the room and told me the certificate wasn’t for Italy. Meaning we don’t have to go to Italy but to any place this particular travel company does trips. Escape to Italy happened to be the theme and the place the sponsors (Jewelry TV) chose to feature. But we could go anywhere in the world except for some parts of Asia, Africa and the Middle East. Well, I definitely don’t want to go to the Middle East or Africa, but the question then was, where do we go???

With 7K worth of travel expenses, there isn’t much we couldn’t do. We could fly first class to some 4-star hotel in some exotic location or we could do another cruise. When we disembarked from the Holland America cruise I won to various ports in the Caribbean, I pretty much breathed a sigh of relief and was kind of glad it was over even though I didn’t look forward to returning to subzero temps in Timber Country. I was a little drained from the craziness of it all, and as Tom and I both agreed, the food and entertainment weren’t that great. The theme of the cruise was Delbert McClinton and Friends. Well, I’d never heard of Delbert before winning the cruise which was kind of by accident.

But then time went on and we went through hell on a different kind of “trip” when we got stuck in motels in Sacramento for nearly a year. That’s when I started seeing the parts of the cruise we did enjoy and realized what a fun picnic it was compared to what we went through in Sacramento. It was actually the little things that were nice. Just being able to sit on our private veranda with nothing but the sky and ocean and know that no spiders or bees could torment me while I did some writing in my little pink notebook was kind of nice. The “wave” pool was fun as hell, though it wasn’t really a wave pool but the ship’s motions made it seem that way. Being able to tell someone at any given time of day or night, “Hey, could you make me a burger and fries?” was also a refreshing change. So I remember this as well as the rowdy guests, the pesky housekeepers or whatever the hell they were called that would be in the staterooms 3 fucking times a day, and other little nuisances. Just everyone being all excited as the ship would begin to pull away from the dock and waving to those on land was fun. I was jumping up and down like a little kid in some grand playground waving to everyone, LOL. It was pretty neat going to sleep in Florida and waking up in the Bahamas.

We could go to see Nane in Germany but Germany isn’t a place I ever cared to visit with or without Nane in the picture. It’s cold, old and ugly. Instead of that, it would actually be nicer to spend just one day in most of the European countries and visit all my cyber buddies there, but 7K isn’t enough for that.

Tom, being the nice and versatile kind of guy he is, would go anywhere I wanted to go. Even to the United Arab Emirates which I’ve heard is absolutely beautiful. But hanging with a bunch of bomb-toting towelheads isn’t my idea of a good time.

So where do we go???

Well, I know I would never want to go anyplace cold or snowy or both. I would also prefer to go someplace I’ve never been to before. Sure it would be nice to be able to experience another country I haven’t been to, but going through Customs is a pain in the ass. It really slows things down, that’s for sure. It takes forever to go through everyone’s stuff and if they find something suspicious in anyone’s baggage that delays things even more. But there is one place in the US I haven’t been to that I wouldn’t mind visiting, even though traveling is hard as hell on one with a sleep disorder and just one day of lost sleep can be hard on this fit, but aging body.

Hawaii. Yes, Hawaii!

So Tom jumped online and checked out Hawaiian all-inclusive vacation packages and found that Princess Cruise Lines has cruises from San Francisco and back, and I have yet to visit San Francisco so that would be another new place to experience even if it’s only a couple of hours away. We’d probably Am-Trak down there like we did up to the airport in Portland for the other cruise, though in this case, we wouldn’t be flying at all. That’s something I have mixed emotions about. I love to fly but kids are so damn out of control these days.

Anyway, we’re considering this 15-day cruise to Maui in one of their high-end suites. It takes 4 days to get there. Then we’d spend a week there before spending another 4 at sea on the way back. Even though traveling is still a pain and a bit hard on me, I’m looking forward to it even though nothing’s for sure just yet. It would be easier in some ways than going to Italy since the 9-hour time difference would’ve been hard to deal with whereas Hawaii is only an hour earlier. Because Tom works for a European company he’ll have enough vacation time accumulated before the certificate expires in two years.

SUNDAY, JUNE 24, 2012
Yesterday turned out to be a wonderful/miserable day all rolled into one. Unless appearances are highly deceiving, it sure looks like we’ll be able to get a 2-bedroom/2-bath double-wide with a garage in a nicer 55+ park where barking should be less of a problem (I hope) instead of only being able to choose from 1-bedroom/1-bath single wides with carports in dumpier parks, even if the “dumpier” parks are still quite nice.

Where I was miserable was that I had to spend most of the day bedridden with what turned out to be the worst allergies I ever had here. I couldn’t go long at all without sneezing and my nose was so stopped up I could barely taste or smell. I was so damn congested that my nose dripped like a faucet and I went through nearly an entire box of tissues.

My honey was kind enough to go out and get me some Claritin. Not the Claritin D that gave me nightmares (not a thrilling thing for someone who has a knack for hers coming true) and snuffed my appetite the first time I used it. I loved that side effect, but they stopped selling it over the counter in most states cuz people like me started buying it for the wrong reasons. This stuff, though, is supposed to be more a preventative medication and not a stop-the-allergy-attack-when-it-starts kind of thing. Let’s hope something stops them cuz I’m getting really fed up with having these attacks every few days or so that I’m seriously considering smashing my nose. Yes, literally breaking it. Maybe then it won’t sneeze so damn much if it’s too mangled up to do so. Damn near smashed it right off my face yesterday but Tom talked me out of it.

Tom spent most of the day researching 55+ parks and both trailers and manufactured homes for sale. What was a little disturbing was that we emailed 3 people and all of them blew us off. I emailed two of them last week. By 3am when I was still suffering from allergies, it hit me that something could be punishing me for daring to dream and to try to make that dream a reality, and therefore trying to stop us. Tom thinks they blew us off cuz they’d rather talk on the phone, but I’m not going to let any cruel, twisted and unfair God that thinks we deserve to live like bums in someone else’s place stop me.

If absolute worse came to worse there’s no way we couldn’t get a 3K single-wide that would be both nicer than this place and ours. Not unless God saw to it that we were in a head-on collision on our way to buy it. In fact, Tom and I were laughing over how it would actually be smart to buy a place if he were suddenly laid off, as funny as that sounds. But if we bought a place for 3K and had to pay just $500 for the lot, it sure would be cheaper than paying $825 to stay here. Tom actually found about a dozen places going for 3K so 3K seems to be a magic number. It’s going to be ours too, once we move wherever and build our savings back up. I figure the two most important things in life to have is 3K and a bag of charcoal (if you don’t have a garage). The 3K buys you a new used car if yours craps out and it keeps you from being homeless if you lose the place you’re in at the time. The charcoal kills you if you don’t have the 3K to prevent it from happening in the first place like it almost did to us. Still, it’s funny and nice to know that even if this place burned down right now we still wouldn’t be homeless. We’d just buy our own.

Another thing we’re checking out is any complaints lodged against any of the parks. One complaint is one thing, but there was this one particular park that had like 6 different complaints, and some of them were pretty big. Like not having any water for over a day and not being able to reach anyone.

One park that looks promising borders a cemetery. I’ve always been one of those who are not bothered by what bothers most people (trains, planes and freeways) while I am bothered by what most people aren’t bothered by (kids, dogs, loud music). Cemeteries are another thing that spooks people out for some reason, though I don’t know why. They’re dead, for God’s sake! Dead people make way better neighbors than live people. Dead people don’t blast music, they don’t have dogs, and they’re always, always quiet as a mouse. So to those of you out there who are as dead as a doorknob, you are welcome to be our neighbor!

Back in my mid-20s, I didn’t know much about owning and buying places and about manufactured homes and 55+ communities and all that stuff. Not many that age does. I was remembering the nice doublewide manufactured home my parents got in the late 80s when they first went to Florida. It was only a 1-bedroom/1-bath but it was gorgeous and right alongside a manmade canal that opened up into the ocean. Sky and water were all you saw when you looked out of one side of the place. I’m happy they got to have it so sweet and fine without a fraction of the struggles I went through but at that very moment they were living in it up there, I was bumming it in the slums. I lived in one of the worst sections of the city while they did so, so much for each other when my mother got her inheritance. Just so, so much. My siblings lived in nice houses/neighborhoods, but my folks could’ve done more for me than just let me indulge in some new clothes and whatever when they’d blow on into town a few times a year visiting friends and family. They could’ve gotten me a modest little place near them in Florida and helped when things broke, but that would’ve defeated the purpose, wouldn’t it? After all, they weren’t just running from a shitty climate, they were running from their kids, too.

Many women these days are pressured into not having kids so they can save money, spend money on themselves, and chase some hotshot career without the distractions. It was just the opposite when my mother was young. I totally believe without a doubt that she had kids more for show than because she wanted them. My mother likes to live life and to do things, which is the very reason I opted out of having kids myself in the end. I’m too selfish to do more for others than for myself and I have no qualms in admitting it either. This doesn’t mean I’d let a friend starve in the streets, but I’m sure you get my point. Yet sadly, appearances and what others think have always been more important to my mom than anything else. This also doesn’t mean I wish bad things for her or anything like that. She is who she is. Everyone knows that, including me.

Later…

Chatted with Maliheh, who wonders if her neighbors may be lying in wait. The poor gal had to pay $500 to have a lawyer send their landlord a letter warning her to control her tenants or else she’d take matters to the next step, which would be civil court. She has two years to file.

As she said, she hopes they’ll back off, grow the fuck up, get a life, and quit while they’re ahead. But blacks tend to be sore losers and can’t seem to let things go very easily. They don’t like to lose and they don’t like to be complained on no matter how legit the complaint may be. So if they get evicted or decide to move before she does, they could go out in a very vengeful way. There’s also the fact that the courts still tend to side with blacks whenever a white person is involved no matter how much of a case the white person may have. Hopefully, she’ll get anything else they may do recorded (she’s got cameras set up all over her place) so that it’ll be too obvious for any court to ignore.

She’s determined to get on with her life as usual and not let them scare her from being in her yard when she wants to be and I think that’s a smart idea. Running and hiding will only send the wrong message anyway, and she was there first. Turns out she housesits. I don’t know why or for whom but she’s been there since 2005 and all she has to pay is utilities and Internet service. This explains a lot. I was wondering how the hell she could pay about a grand in rent and afford so much other shit on top of that. Especially if her student count is low. So I can see why she’s determined not to move until she’s ready to. She also said the layout of the house is perfect for teaching. That’s another thing I didn’t know; that she teaches at home. I thought she went somewhere to teach.

SATURDAY, JUNE 23, 2012
Today’s research is looking a helluva lot more promising than yesterday’s and it’s looking more like we may end up buying than renting. Let’s just say I see a glimmer of hope. A light in the dark where there was once none at all for 8 long years. To think that we may own our own place (and it might not necessarily have to be a tiny old trailer after all) in less than a year from when we had nearly both feet in the grave is truly mind-boggling. Even Tom agrees. As he said, he knew things would turn around really fast once he got a job. The problem was that we didn’t think we’d get the chance to turn them around in the first place, and that chance certainly wouldn’t have come had he not gotten a job in the nick of time. We had no more income coming in and our money was almost all gone.

The only negative is that we may not move till September or October instead of July or August as we might need to save up a few more grand first, depending on how flexible the realtor is. Better later than never, though.

The reason it may be easier to buy is that renting, for some reason, may actually be more expensive per month unless we got something attached to others or rented something in the mainstream. No thanks. Secondly, our credit isn’t the greatest. The fucking management company in Oregon says we owe them $200, and then there are the book clubs I stupidly stole books from.

I’ll never like having to pay to fix things, but I’m all for being our own boss again by owning. Management companies rip you off and individual landlords pester you. The only other negative is that even though we should own it outright in 10 years or less, it’ll never be completely “free.” You have to pay for the lot. Lots with trailers usually cost about $500 a month whereas lots with manufactured homes usually cost about $800 a month. But even while we were having to pay $1000 - $1200 a month till it was all paid off, we would still get enough in unemployment if he got laid off. Plus there’s the fact that it should never again take a couple of months let alone a couple of years to get another job. If all he could get were a minimum-wage job, it wouldn’t be for long. Most people with his skills don’t make shit money. Except for a few months, a few times, he hasn’t made shitty dough since before I knew him.

Oh, and one more negative. I still think daytime barking is still likely. But no place is perfect and I just might get my own beagle and bark back. :) Beagles are kinda cute and they’d surely live a lot longer than a rat, though I miss my ratties, too.

Other than my allergies bugging the hell out of me, I’m pretty damn excited! From what we’ve researched there doesn’t seem to be any way we could be getting our hopes up for nothing. Besides, if the absolute worst-case scenario came to play, we’d just buy the cheap single-wide, though there’s no reason we couldn’t have a nicer doublewide with the 2 bedrooms and 2 baths we want. It just may take a little longer. As long as we can make the down payment, they don’t care about credit in these types of places where there’s no loan involved. In a way, the economy has helped us as much as it damn near killed us. These are normally 80K - 100K homes that are now down to 40K or much less. For a while there the economy took so, so much from us. We had one foot (or a little more) in the grave. Then we pulled that foot out of that grave. And now it’s time to collect. We, two proud survivors of what was the worst economic collapse since the Great Depression, and I know things still aren’t back to normal.

None of the house dreams I’ve had make much sense. At least not yet. Maybe there’s some small, seemingly silly detail that could mean something and I won’t know it unless it comes to play in real life. But the closer we get to getting something, the more details should be revealed in my dreams. So far I have a possible orange tree in the backyard, a driveway that’s on the right, and the colors blue and tan may mean something as well.

Tomorrow my dad will have died exactly 4 months ago. I really miss him! Funny, though, how after he dies and after years of struggling, Tom finally gets a permanent job, it has great pay, it has great benefits, it has more vacation time than usual because it’s a European-based company, and now we might be “going home.”

They had a picnic barbecue at work last Friday, but he didn’t win any of the prizes in the raffles they had. Too much competition, I guess, LOL. Instead of there being 40 others to compete with, everyone from all the buildings was there, so that meant hundreds of people.

The salt and baking soda concoction killed the tooth that was becoming infected. I’m amazed at how much it’s helped. Now my teeth should definitely be able to keep from becoming any kind of an emergency till after we get moved. Hell, that’s all I can think about lately. I can’t concentrate on Bunny Nose or anything else!

Still posting old journals a little at a time when I get the chance, and even told someone on Thoughts how to backdate entries that was interested in doing this as well. I gotta laugh at some of the shit I wrote way back when. What a sad, lifeless, naïve little idiot I was, LOL. But hey, I was young.

Aira finished my book, A Rainbow in Munich, and said she loved it. She said it cheered her up and made her happy on a day when she was feeling kind of down and gloomy, which happens to the best of us at times. It was nice to know I put a smile on her face. :)

FRIDAY, JUNE 22, 2012
Went to bed in the summer and woke up in the winter. Where the hell did all this cold come from anyway?! The cold woke me up at 3am and I had to get up, shut the window and break out the heavy comforter yet again. May as well leave it on the bed. The next 4 days are expected to be in the 70s and in the low 50s at night. Yesterday, which was semi-warm, was dead quiet. But I have a feeling today’s weather is going to bring out the worst in Jesse. He doesn’t seem to like the heat at all, dry or not.

Can’t swear to it, but I think I may know who the “woman who’s up there in years and has always admired me” may be. I finally came out and asked her if it were her, since she is up there in years, LOL. Well, when Christiane didn’t reply I figured I either embarrassed her out of responding (sorry if that’s the case!) or I hit the nail on the head. In truth, I may never know for sure who it is, but as they say, silence speaks a thousand words and her silence does make me wonder. I told her she didn’t have to tell me anything she didn’t want to, hoping that would make her feel less put on the spot and less obligated to tell me if it was her if she’d rather not say so. I’m flattered if it is. I don’t know her well, but she’s tall, slim, attractive, and has always seemed like a kind, intelligent and hard-working woman.

I’ve got roughly 30 entries posted on both my-diary and Thoughts since I found that Thoughts also allows for backdating, and should have all my 80s journals posted today. When I first started on October 27, 1987, my entries were short and sweet. They became longer and more detailed with time, so it’s not like it’s going to take me just weeks or even months to get everything posted. It could take years unless I get sick of it along the way. I must have something like 12,000 pages of text to go through. I can’t just throw things online. I have to stop and screen everything first and either omit or change names and locations.

Later…

A reality check has got me wondering if maybe we should check into a townhouse and forget trailers and houses altogether. If whatever’s up there wanted us to have what we really wanted it wouldn’t have given me this kind of a sleep disorder to prevent me from doubling our income so we could afford it. That much is obvious. Another thing that’s become obvious through the years is that neighbors are still going to be annoying at times even when they’re a couple of hundred feet away. Unless you live smack dab in the middle of a 100-acre lot or on a deserted island, people make noise. Whether it’s a single, older white person or a large Mexican family, they’re all going to be annoying in some way or another to those of us who would prefer to live in peace.

With a townhouse, there wouldn’t be anyone above or below us and it’d be the most affordable way to have our cake and eat it, too. There’s just no way we can afford a nicer 2-bedroom/2-bathroom trailer or house and those we could afford would leave us with little to no money leftover.

We all have to settle in life at times. I don’t agree with settling on things like lovers. I’ve always felt it was best to stay alone before we settled for second best. But in other areas of life, it’s either settle or do nothing at all. So now I’m ready to accept that I’ll never live where I really want to live and just take the best of what’s available to us. It’s either that or stay here.

All the detached houses and trailers are either too small even though we’d save a ton of money with them, or they’re bigger and nicer and would end up sucking every last dime out of us. sighs I don’t know what to do. Give up? Take an apartment? A tiny trailer? Stay here?

When Andy asked how I could not believe there’s a God after I posted a beautiful flower background, I realized that he, along with some others may not actually be reading my journal but skimming it. So just so you know, I believe there’s probably some kind of God. Unlike most people, though, I see it as mostly vengeful and cruel as opposed to kind and loving when I consider how much bad there is in the world as opposed to good, including a lot of the unfair and undeserved shit I myself have gone through in life.

Anyway, I’m feeling a bit discouraged right now. Between PMS, being bloated as hell, and not finding very promising ads, I’m kind of down. Worst-case scenario we take that trailer for 3K as it would be better than staying here. It would be just as small but it would be completely upgraded, we’d own it outright, and we’d save a ton of money each month. That is unless someone else bought it first.

THURSDAY, JUNE 21, 2012
The Internet was cutting in and out while I was trying to chat with Maliheh yesterday. The fucking thing has driven me crazier than Jesse and his mutts ever could! But all they’d do if we called would be to tell us either everything was ok or that they’d “check into it” after keeping us on hold for hours. AT&T sucks! I cannot wait to be back on cable!

Really worried about Maliheh. sighs Seems like it’s a no-win situation with problem neighbors no matter what you do. You either keep your mouth shut and take their shit, or you fight back and you STILL take their shit.

She got a pig to cite her neighbor for letting his dog bark up a storm. The neighbor appealed, lost, and had to pay $100. Well, now the cock and his wife are getting revenge on her by stalking and harassing her as if her complaint was unreasonable. Yeah, how dare we make people take responsibility for their dogs or their children or pay for their crimes! I guess it’s only human nature to want to deny and counter-attack when confronted with any wrongdoings. Hey, I was 100% guilty of the prank calls I was charged with. I knew that, the phone company knew that, and the law knew that. Doesn’t mean I wanted to fess up and pay for them, though. I’m only human.

She’s basically going through what we went through in Phoenix. Can you guess their race? Yup, you got it. They’re renters but not welfare bums like what we had. The cock is 61 and retired, but still referees kids’ soccer games or something like that.

God help her if they have any cop friends to do to her what was done to me, but from the sound of it, he’s a known troublemaker to the law. Still, that doesn’t change the fact that whites are not only the new minorities, especially where she lives, and the fact that our society/laws favor blacks. Judges always find for the blacks when it’s a case involving whites no matter who was actually in the wrong. It’s been that way since the LA riots.

The cock apparently was in her backyard calling her names and for her to come out, etc. She recorded it with her iPad as she told the cock she would get a lawyer and sue him and his landlord. Well, that right there is more ammunition than we ever had since our troublemakers didn’t come into our yard to taunt and bully us. They were actually a little more sly and clever with their abuse. It’s a little scary to think that someone who knows damn well they’re being filmed would so blatantly break the law like that. Either they don’t mind going to jail or they know they can just play the race card and get away with it. That’s another thing that worries me – all they have to do is claim she made racial slurs at them (though just like with us, Maliheh would never do that because their color isn’t the issue as opposed to their behavior) and they’re automatically believed. It’s the magic word for blacks these days – he/she called me racial slurs. When it’s whites feuding with whites, no one cares. When it’s gays getting fucked over, no one cares. But as soon as it’s blacks and whites feuding, everybody cares…for the blacks.

While most employers pass over whites for blacks these days regardless of who’s more qualified, they don’t just do it because they favor them. Most of the time it’s because they genuinely prefer blacks, yes, but sometimes they’re afraid to not hire them for fear of getting hit with a discrimination suit they know damn well they’ll lose no matter what their true reasons may be for not hiring them.

I totally believe without a doubt that not only were OJ Simpson and Michael Jackson guilty as charged but that the jury was afraid to convict for fear of a riot igniting. A piss poor excuse if you ask me, like a mother always giving in to her two-year-old that is spoiled and takes a temper tantrum every time it doesn’t get its way. People should be held accountable for their actions regardless of color. All Maliheh ever wanted was for them to stop the barking. Knowing her as well as I’ve come to know her, I can’t believe she did anything to provoke or deserve the shit she’s getting from these losers, and I know she doesn’t give a damn about skin color or nationality. The only ones I know she has any ill feelings toward are Arabs. Yes, Arabs are the worst of the bunch, but blacks are runner-up with their tempers, IMO anyway.

She doesn’t like guns and it may put her at risk for some serious retaliation, but in some states, one has the right to shoot any trespassers, especially one screaming taunts and threats. I told her she should think about that if it gets that bad, but then again, the courts would probably still find a way to turn things around and make it look like she popped the bastard for his color and not the real reason.

Someone asked me if I liked dogs. I told them I had nothing against dogs themselves, just the racket they make. Well, I see blacks as I see dogs. I don’t give a shit about their color, but I sure don’t like the way so many of them treat others! It’s like they just don’t want to get along with anybody. As Maliheh herself said, some people are so rude and disrespectful to others and just don’t give a shit how their actions may affect others.

Yet blacks don’t want to hear you complain about them, and whites don’t want to hear you complain about them either. Instead, they are widely loved, accepted, favored and given all kinds of special treatment all because everybody seems to think whites owe them for what our ancestors did to their ancestors a million years ago – WTF?! There will always be some blacks that get picked on for no reason at all and that’s too bad, but no one seems to want to see or acknowledge it when it’s the other way around as it is much, much more often these days. Well, I have no sympathy for blacks these days. 50 years ago, sure. Today, no way.

I also don’t agree that we’re always 100% responsible for our own actions either. I think that sometimes we really do instigate, influence and provoke the actions of others and that we can be just as responsible for them as they are. I was the one that hurled myself out the window when I was 17. But did others have a hand in encouraging it? Many people think they did, not that they’d ever have been held accountable for it. Today they might because the laws have gotten tougher on that sort of thing, but this was back in 1983. The point is that one can only be pushed so far for so long. You know, sort of like the woman who’s been abused for so long who finally beats, stabs or shoots her man? Well, I’d say he kind of asked for it in the end. Let’s hope this cock that’s been picking on my friend doesn’t ask for anything similar! As much as she’d love to put them in the hospital, she’s trying to play it smart like I am with Jesse and his mutts cuz she doesn’t want the hassles of court, jail or whatever, no matter what the outcome may be.

She says they don’t blast music, but they’ve had kids pestering her, they’ve driven over her yard, and of course the barking has been rather maddening. I just hope they either leave or lay off the poor girl if the courts aren’t going to do anything to help her. The good thing is that she’s 55 now and has also wanted to be in a 55+ community, so she’ll be on the lookout once her lease is up in about a year.

Later…

There’s a beautiful doublewide that’s new and spacious just two miles from work. Only they may want a few more grand down on it than we’ve got at the moment. We’re still going to scout the area this weekend. It’s a 2-bed/2-bath for 42K. I don’t think we could get the down payment lowered, though because it’s not the park management that has the say in it, but the lender themselves and they’re not going to want any less than they ask for. If they have trouble selling it, though I don’t see why they would, maybe they’d agree to at least rent it or something. I’m still torn between owning and renting and between paying more for something nicer instead of saving tons of money with a tiny old dump.

I never expected any place to be totally silent, but I still think daytime barking could still be an issue even in a retirement community. I don’t see anything in the rules that stipulates anything against keeping dogs outside round the clock or from excessive barking. Maybe they won’t be out all day long, but for a few hours here and a few hours there when the owners are out running errands, wouldn’t surprise me. Well, if we did decide to go with the smaller, older trailer that’s really close to other trailers, where would they put the mutts since there’s hardly any yard space there? The only option I can see is to tie them to the carport posts and that would be beyond maddening.

I misunderstood Nane. She actually has 2 bedrooms, 2.5 baths, a terrace and a garage. Now that’s not bad at all for what she’s paying.

The problem is that while there are plenty of gray areas, the gray areas are mostly apartments. We could have our cake and eat it too with one of those and be able to save money while we had something spacious and modern with plenty of amenities. But that’s not what I want. Therefore, that pretty much leaves the white and black options open; own something outright that’s a tiny dump too close to others or let a nicer place with some breathing room around it suck every last dime out of us. Sooner or later God’s going to miss picking on us and will want to yank the carpet out from under our feet. Well, when He lets Tom be laid off or fired by a boss who may be in a bad mood cuz someone spilled his coffee, I don’t want to be in a $1200 place when it happens.

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 20, 2012
Saw another place with potential in Folsom and while this is more like what we want, I really like the idea of saving shitloads of money each month with the trailer I mentioned yesterday. I don’t want to go over a grand in rent cuz then if they lay him off or fire him and all he could get was a minimum-wage job, we’d be pretty screwed.

If I’ve been having any dreams suggesting where we should go, I haven’t been remembering them. There are going to be so many tough decisions to make! In looking at the ads, though, it isn’t what I see that worries me so much as what I don’t see. I like that I see that one of you must be 55 or older. I like that I see that Section 8 is forbidden. But I don’t see anything about excessive barking being forbidden or loud music or anything like that. Some of them just say “quiet” neighborhood. Well, what is “quiet?” Quiet is a subjective thing, isn’t it? The frogs croaking up a storm during the rainy season don’t bother me yet they’re just as loud as the dogs. Well, that’s not “quiet” even though I don’t mind them, and when Jesse and his mutts are quiet, it’s quiet here, too. I guess not seeing anything that says, “Dogs must reside indoors as pets” is better than seeing, “Dogs left outside round the clock, ok.”

Someone got a mutt somewhere in the back, but fortunately, it’s far enough away that you can’t hear it with the windows shut or the fan on low. It barked for a couple of hours after midnight last night. Again, it never ceases to amaze and disgust me how rude people are.

I was surprised when Nane told me she pays nearly 1000 euros for her 1-bedroom apartment and that’s considered cheap for Munich, she says, where most people are single. I hope it’s in good condition with some nice extras, cuz if it’s not she’s getting ripped off same as we are. Tom thinks this is a good deal for pricy Cali, but I think $825 for an old single-wide is a rip-off, even if the electricity is included. This thing should be between $450 - $650. We could get a modern, spacious apartment that’s 6 or 7-something a month and fully loaded with all kinds of features and amenities. I just couldn’t stand the noise, so that’s why we’re not living in one. TVs, music, footsteps, doors and cabinets slamming – not exactly music to my ears.

My allergies are going off again. Still don’t know what makes them tick. I’ll be fine for days, then BAM! Off they go.

I received notice, as requested, that Mary has been moved to another facility. I guess this is common for those who are about to leave prison. She’s down to her last few months. The excitement she must be feeling must be almost unbearable! But I can understand where she may be nervous as well. It’s a big change going into jail/prison as it is coming out of it. It’s going to take some time to learn to do things for herself after having her life dictated to her for so long from what she can eat to when she can shower.

All that poor girl has known in her life is abuse, bad boys, and babies. Mary wasn’t like most inmates, though. She was more of a victim than a criminal and I never thought she deserved jail. Ok, maybe for a while. After all, a child died. But the child died because Mary was brainwashed and terrified, not because she didn’t give a damn. She loved that kid. She loved/loves all her kids. Not sure where she should’ve been instead, but 10 years in jail and 2 in prison, especially after being lied to and shafted by the system, as most people are, hardly seems right at all.

I wonder where she’ll go when she’s released. If she doesn’t go stay with friends, I hope it won’t be with her mother, aunt or uncle and that she’ll go with her brother instead. He seems to be the only family member of hers that’s sane and non-abusive.

Maliheh and I finally caught each other! We’re just starting to chat right now.

TUESDAY, JUNE 19, 2012
Ugh! Molly asked me what one thing I said about someone online I regret the most. I swear I had her blocked. I swear. But when I checked her page she wasn’t blocked. So I blocked her again and hopefully, she’ll leave me alone and not start up again with pestering me. I’ve really been enjoying the hell out of not hearing from her and I don’t want to have to go back to scattered comments, demands, accusations and delusions from her on Ask, my blog, Facebook, etc. I deleted her question without answering it. Acknowledging her or being friendly to her only makes things worse sooner or later when she starts up with her 10 million demands and then starts accusing you of shit you know nothing about once she doesn’t feel like taking her meds. But I don’t care to torment her either. That only comes back to haunt me in the end. I’d rather just ignore her, and I wish to hell that those I’ve asked to please just let me go would learn to respect my wishes! Why is it I can’t stop getting attention from those I don’t want attention from and I couldn’t get more attention from those I’d like it from if I tried??? There isn’t anyone at the moment I’m not hearing enough from, but the point’s the same.

Anyway, Aly was surprised she went to Kim and not her on Ask, and I didn’t expect to hear from her, but I did. sighs Now I’m sure I’ll get hit with whiny anonymous comments (which can’t be blocked unless you disable anonymous comments altogether) saying shit like, “Why are you ignoring me? I’ve been nice to you!” Oh well, that’s what that little x is for. The less I mention her in public, the better off I am.

I realized something yesterday and it’s kind of a shame it took me 4 years to realize it. Well, it’s kind of a shame anyway. Like I said, offing his dogs would only be a temporary fix as he’d only replace them within days. But it hit me that we would never have had to step foot up there at his place in order to kill them. Knowing how the dogs traipse by here every day, all we would’ve had to do was just throw a piece of poisoned meat out on the porch here and they’d have come by within a day or two. It would just be our shit luck that Brandy would pick it up and not Whiskey. I’m just glad the mutts never bark when they’re roaming around loose! The dogs that would run around on our land in Arizona were anything but quiet about it. They’d come barking onto the land at seemingly nothing at all. The fuckers once woke me up over the box fan on high when they cornered a cat against the front door. I’m sure that cat, if it’s still alive, will be forever grateful to me for saving its life. The cat was able to get away and climb up one of the old mesquite trees as I scared the dogs off the land.

The weather’s been hot and dry and Tom is in for 2 hours of OT every day this week. Tiring, but the OT alone could pay the rent if he ended up having it every day for a month.

Jesse didn’t come down yesterday, but I did get hit with a barking spree. It was only for about 5 minutes but still annoying. They’re big dogs with big barks, though as is usually the case it was Whiskey barking and not Brandy. It was annoying enough. Especially when standing by an open window doing dishes as I was at the time.

Still worried we may be delayed in getting out of here, but still hoping I’m wrong and that we get moved soon enough. In the past, I’ve always had dream premonitions leading up to a move. I see bits and pieces of the place beforehand, but lately I’m not seeing much of anything that makes any sense. Except for a few dreams I seem to have stopped having dream premonitions for the most part over the last year or so and I wonder why.

We’re both searching more aggressively now that his birthday is just 9 days away and we’re going to drive by some places this weekend, though there are only so many ads for 55+ communities. I just hope that there really is less barking there and that if someone does let their dogs get carried away there will be someone who will help us get something done about it, unlike here where the troublemaker is the landlord himself. If I had to guess I’d say it’d be pretty comparable to the old batty bat we lived next to in the Oregon duplex that was on disability and with a medical dog. Freckles was the mutt’s name, who would be dead now since it was 13 years old in 2005. That’s another thing God was always great at picking out for us; not just the noisiest neighbors but the ones who are always home, too. Anyway, the dog wasn’t left outside round the clock but was an on-and-off annoyance during the daytime, which I’m figuring is the worst it will be there, like when they go out to run errands or they toss it outside when they have company 6 times a day and it barks at the door to be let in. I doubt there’ll be enclosed yards there, so they’ll have to tether the thing to a stake or railing. But yeah, I’m sure there’ll be some daytime annoyances from what will probably be one small dog, but it’s better than two big dogs left outside round the clock who sometimes bark for 8 or more hours a day.

Later…

Saw a single-wide trailer listed for sale for just 3K in a 55+ community and I both love it and hate it. I love the idea of owning again as much as I hate the idea of having to be the ones to have to fix what breaks and pay for it, too. But to think we could own something outright this weekend is a little mind-boggling, LOL. We’re definitely going to be out looking at places, that’s for sure. An aerial view of the place shows it’s adjacent to a wooded gully area far enough away from main streets and regular houses but that doesn’t have enough space for anything to be built on it. The trailers across the street, however, have their backyards back right up against the backyards of regular houses outside of the community, so they could very well have to deal with the regular barking and screaming kids.

Anyway, when you first look at the outside picture of it you think it’s nothing special. It’s certainly nicer looking than the outside of this place, but just about any trailer is. Then when you get to the inside pictures you’re blown away! They’ve made over 20K in renovations and the place is surprisingly new, modern and beautiful looking. New carpet, new central air, new paint, new everything. There’s also a community pool, too.

What I kind of don’t like is that there’s no dishwasher or garage. There is a carport, though, and enough space to take our shed.

What I really don’t like is that it’s another 1-bed/1-bath. I really want a 2-bed/1.5-bath. I would still prefer a real house to a trailer too, even if it were a nicer trailer, though I also don’t want to pay more for something bigger and nicer that sucks every last dime out of us. I know it’s not our only choice, but I’d rather own that trailer and pay $500 a month for the lot it’s on than rent this old dump for $825 with a landlord who may be a good landlord, but an unlikeable guy who’s rude and selfish at the same time.

The huge savings is what I’d obviously like best. I would definitely be wonderfully wrong about us struggling most of the time in something like that! If we lived there we could easily save a minimum of 10K a year. If we stayed until he retired, hell we could buy a real house in a 55+ community in any state and any country!

My biggest worry, however, would be that I wouldn’t get any sleep when on nights. Even if there was zero barking and no visiting kids tearing up and down between the places, I’d worry that car doors may really jolt the place being so damn close. Most people come and go and have company several times a day, so it’s both appealing and a turn-off. So is the idea of people hanging out and doing yard work and gardening so damn close.

What’s interesting is this dream I had where I was in back of someplace (ours?) and there was an orange tree in the corner of it. Well, the place is in Citrus Heights. Orange tree… Citrus Heights. So was this dream I pegged for being totally meaningless a sign of anything after all???

MONDAY, JUNE 18, 2012
Heard from Nane briefly yesterday, and super-sized, teary Aira is being a pest as usual. She lost her dad too, so Father’s Day was hard on her. Yeah, I shed a tear or two for my own dad, but she’s still so typical of what I get. Even being in cyberspace hasn’t changed that much. If it’s ugly, deluded or unstable in any way, I can have all the attention I want from it. I don’t know that Aira’s that out of it, though that’s what I thought about Kim till I realized some of the things I blamed on Molly were actually from her, and she proved this by reacting the way she did. Hey, when in doubt just deny, delete and delude, right?

Even Alison, who hasn’t been online as much due to depression, says Kim is getting more delusional by the day. Also, she blocked me on Ask and claims someone’s harassing her on her new account. Yeah, she’s delusional, all right. Especially if she thinks I would care enough or want to ask her anything in the first place that she felt the need to block me. Yeah, she’s great at turning the tables and acting like the victim. It’s amazing how many people out there think I care enough to give them the time of day. I blocked her as soon as I saw her new account. Then when I realized that wouldn’t stop her from pestering me anonymously, I disabled anonymous comments. I may allow for them again, though. I hate denying myself the fun of it all for a couple of assholes. No, I don’t want to give her the satisfaction of being able to “ask” me anything, but I don’t want to stifle my own fun either.

She still tells Aly she has a job, though oddly enough she finds time to update her sites when she’s supposedly working. Yeah, and she was supposed to be “offline forever” too. I still say she never did have a job and probably never will. I think she’ll be on disability all her life. I also doubt anyone’s picking on her on Ask. I think she’s just making that up to get Aly to wonder if it’s me and hope to play her against me. Well, it’s not. Yeah, it’d be fun to say all kinds of mean, degrading nasty shit just for a day or so cuz I know she’d have a heart attack over it, but I also know she’d only take it out on Aly by whining to her about it throughout the day with a zillion text messages, and I do have more important things to spend my time on. So if I don’t like someone I try to just stay away from them.

If being cursed with a sleep disorder isn’t bad enough to piss me off, it pisses me off even more than I again missed Maliheh. :( She messaged me a few hours before I got up but didn’t say what was up. Only asked if I were there.

Jesse stopped the leak in the pipe underneath the place, which ended up leaking water like crazy and pumping the well dry. Today (I guess it’s today anyway) he’ll be running a pipe that will allow us to switch to the ditch the minute there’s a problem with the main well. He should’ve done this years ago! Regardless, with an average of 4 problems per year in this place, his mutts and his rudeness, I don’t know how much longer I can stand to stay here before I lose it and kick the crap out of both him and his mutts. At least I got to have fun doing that to him in my dreams last night. I think it was him anyway. Well, let’s just say that some cock or another pushed my buttons a little too hard cuz I grabbed the front of their shirt with my left hand so they couldn’t back away, and started pummeling their face in with my right fist.

It was only because he was our landlord that I couldn’t do anything about the barking. We couldn’t have afforded to be spited into being evicted back when we were dirt poor if we were lucky enough to get the law/courts to help us in the first place. Whoever complained on him before we got here had no luck, which makes me think he has friends in the right places. No judge should’ve accepted his lame excuse of, “Well, when I’m not home there’s nothing I can do about it.” I could’ve sworn he mentioned having a cop friend back when he got into it with the people in back a couple of years ago for letting their pit bulls run loose. But yeah, there is something he could do about the barking if he actually gave a shit about others, and from what I researched it really is against the law to let your dogs bark for hours at a time, even if the “law” usually hurts more than it helps. Our lives would be damn near perfect if it weren’t for this place and the shit that goes with it. I’ve been in places far worse than this, mind you, but this is getting old enough and it’s definitely time to move on.

Friends in high places or not, I’m only human and that means that once I’m pushed too far, I don’t care how superior you may be. I don’t care what kind of a hold or power you may have on me. I don’t care how many inches and pounds you may have on me. At this point, if this guy looks at me wrong I just may hurt all 6 feet 2 inches and 240 pounds of him and end up in jail. That’s what he says he is, though honestly, he looks more like 5’ 10”, 180 pounds, not that it matters.

The breakage may not be his fault. Shit gets old and needs to be replaced. But his rudeness as far as letting the dogs do whatever the fuck they please when he’s gone IS his fault, and after 4 years, 2 months and 6 days, I’ve had enough! It’s no wonder he couldn’t keep people in this place for long before us. They no doubt got fed up with all the problems even if they could tolerate the barking. We never would’ve been here so damn long if we didn’t get stuck on unemployment for 28 months. We moved in in April of 2008 when he was out of work for a bad back and Whiskey was still just a puppy. But by November I wanted out of here when the cock returned to work as a construction worker and the fucking mutt was full-grown and barking from 5am – 5pm 5 days a week. I hope to hell he gets one nightmare in here after another when we’re gone! If they’re like most people, they’ll sleep at night every night and they won’t be unusually tolerant as Tom is. In other words, not many people are going to want to stay up till 3 or 4 in the morning on Fridays and Saturdays waiting for his mutts to shut the fuck up after starting up between 7pm - 9pm when he first left. But knowing how backward, twisted and unfair life is, I’m sure God will reward him with tenants who don’t give a shit about his dogs cuz they’ll be letting their own do the same thing and so it won’t make any difference.

Meanwhile, the water’s filthy and not even clean enough to shit in. Who knows how long it’s going to take to clear up this time?

I just worry that whatever this thing is that’s been obsessed with me being where I don’t want to be since I was 15 years old is going to limit our options. So far within the 55+ communities we’ve looked at, everything that’s affordable is either an apartment or too far from work. There is, however, a trailer for sale for 12K. It’s a double-wide and newer than this heap of shit, and I love the idea of being the boss again and having more control over what gets done and when, but the fact that they don’t have any interior pictures listed makes me think something’s wrong with it. I don’t want to keep having to deal with breakage every other goddamn month and having to pay for it, too. Still, the idea of owning again is appealing and eventually not having a payment other than the lot the trailer was on or property taxes. I just don’t want to spend my life in old dumps!

For a couple of days, I had pain in my left shoulder, arm and hand, but there was no numbness or tingling in my hand, so I’m sure I just pulled something and that my heart is fine. My teeth are holding steady and I’m getting way behind in my writing again. I may say “fuck it” to the writing once again until after the move. Right now getting the fuck out of here is pretty much all I can concentrate on.

SUNDAY, JUNE 17, 2012
The drama queen is still alive since she wished me a happy anniversary. Aw, too bad. I knew I couldn’t get that lucky and have that dream come true, though I would’ve settled for her being in a coma for the rest of her life. But since the dreams I had of her and Alison dying didn’t come true, it gives me hope that the dream I had about Maliheh’s mother dying also won’t come true.

As always, it put a big smile on my face when Christiane “liked” one of my blog post links. I still don’t get how she can see me, yet I can’t see her. I guess it’s cuz I’m the one who deleted her, something I still feel kind of bad about as much as Christiane seems to understand my reasons for it. I wonder if my posts are showing up on her stream or if she has to actually visit my page to see my posts.

Old trailers really have a way of spoiling one’s fun weekend. Everything was going just fine till I noticed we had no water come midnight. I wasn’t sure whether to just ignore it or if it could be an emergency like when the pipe busted out of the pressure tank, so I woke both Tom and Jesse up. Jesse came down and found there wasn’t much that could be done till the morning. I guess a pipe is leaking underneath the place. I just hope it won’t be a big deal to fix! As it is we’ll probably put off going to the IHOP.

I’m glad we don’t have to spend the money or the time fixing the damn thing, but man I’m sick of all the problems here! Yeah, shit can happen anywhere. Our brand-new house had tons of problems while the nearly 100-year-old dump we rented in Oregon hardly had any, but I’m sick of it here! The well problems, the Internet cutting in and out, the dogs, Jesse – all of it! I’m going to really have to hate the hell out of community living to ever return to the country again. The country is still better than mainstream city life, but it just gets old having to deal with all the breakage. I miss being able to drink tap water and having reliable Internet service!

I was worried Jesse would either be drunk or not home when I called up there, but I figured he probably was at least home since there’s been no barking tonight.

I just hope to hell this latest problem is resolved easily and quickly enough in the morning and I’m glad it’s not the rainy season. If we have no water all day, though, it could get hot as hell in here if we can’t use the cooler. It was over 100° yesterday and it’s not going to be much cooler today.

To the best of my memory, this is what we’ve had for problems in all the houses and trailers we’ve lived in. It’s weird that the Klamath house had the least problems for being the oldest place, though had we been there 5-6 years like Phoenix and Maricopa instead of just 2, it might’ve caught up. This place definitely takes the lead even if the Internet isn’t quite part of the place. I will NEVER let the economy or even God above make us live this poorly ever again once we’re out of here! Never again!

Phoenix:

Pool pump
Pool filter
Solar problem
AC broke
Toilet pressure problem
Water tank broke
Roof leak

Maricopa:

2 major well problems
2 pipe leaks
AC leaked Freon

Klamath:

Sewer problem
Pipes froze
2 refrigerators broke

Here:

Pressure tank pipe busted loose
Underside leak
Water tank leak
Bathroom sink pipe leak
Leaky kitchen faucet
Leaky tub faucet
Insulation torn out underneath
Heater blowout
Cooler problems
Scattered water pressure problems
Internet problems galore

Other than having to be put out yet again with plumbing problems, I had fun blowing 50 bucks on my nails yesterday. The variety of colors and glitter never ceases to amaze me, though the availability of more good colors means more boring ones, too. I would never polish my nails again if all that was available were cement gray and diarrhea brown! Gotta wonder who the hell would want their nails to be the color of dried puke, snot green or piss yellow.

Wedding Crashers, Spitfire and Cheatin’ are awesome glittery colors, but I’m not impressed with the Teeny Bikini which basically looks like cheap paint. That one’s an interesting shade of periwinkle, but it ends up looking rather dull in the end. I guess I’m just not into the solid, flat-finished colors anymore. I love glitter nail polish even though it’s a bitch to remove and can snag on things. But they have very fine grains of glitter now in some of them and that’s what I think looks best. It’s easier to apply and remove because it’s not quite as rough as the thicker grades of glitter, which takes a million coats just to get it up to consistency. I went over the dull periwinkle with the Glass Slipper which is a clear polish with slivers of silver glitter and that helped to bring it to life a bit.

I also got these adhesive nail stickers with a floral design on them. They’re fairly easy to apply, though I’m not overly impressed with them. It was worth trying once, but once only.

I got pink glitter mascara, which was hard to get on as blind as I am, but I couldn’t see one speck of glitter on them as long as my lashes are. Tom said he could, though. The stuff actually makes for better eyeshadow and liner.

Grabbed a colorful shower curtain for the next place, and then did the grocery shopping. I’ve never seen Walmart that crowded that early and by the time we got back outside I swear it jumped up 15°. You could tell it was to be a hot day, though it was noticeably cooler when we got back home since we’re higher in elevation here.

Later…

My Thoughts blog tracker is on its last leg of life as it prepares to expire in less than 24 hours. So when I back up entries over there I will no longer know who’s visiting that has cookies enabled and isn’t coming from a proxy server. It’s been a fun year seeing all the different visitors in all the different parts of the world, but my curiosity isn’t enough anymore to make paying to renew my subscription worth it and so I shall just let it expire.

The hit counter on MyOpera doesn’t tell me who/where my visitors are, but it’s also not in real-time lately either. I’ve watched the counter stay the same right after someone came in and commented, so I know it’s messed up and can take time to update. What isn’t messed up that’s online, though?

Guess I’ll go veg out till Jesse gets his ass down here at sunup to play fix it for the millionth time. Why couldn’t this have waited till we moved?

I think that no matter how nice of a place we move to I’m always going to look back at this place and be pissed that we had to put up with it for the 4 years we’ve been here and that God felt this was all we deserved. Life is just so unfair so much of the time. God rewards assholes with all kinds of good things, but those who try to work hard and be decent people are often denied love, money and good health. My dad was a good man. My mother is a bitch. Yet she’s the one still alive.

SATURDAY, JUNE 16, 2012
A friend asked me about crushes, how many I had, who they were, etc, so I thought I’d dedicate an entry to crushes, LOL. Well, like most people, they vary. Taken or not, we all have them. We all recognize a good-looking person when we see one and can’t help who we are or aren’t attracted to no matter how devoted and in love we may or may not be to a particular person.

Sometimes I may see someone in a store, in a movie, online or wherever, and find myself attracted to them. They’re almost always women and rarely ever men. Even a couple of the Italian guards who once escorted Amanda Knox to and from court were kinda hot in my book. Right now I’m “crushing” on a woman in Germany and also have what I’d describe as a partial crush on another woman in Germany. I saw a semi-attractive Serbian woman in a foreign film the other night. Chris Noth from the original Law & Order series has always been nice-looking. But it’s kind of hard to put a number on how many people I’m attracted to since they vary in degrees as well as in numbers. A friend of mine in the southeast is quite a hottie but not in the same way this German college professor I briefly knew online is (until I saw a close-up of her face and realized she wasn’t quite as pretty as I thought she was despite having a great body).

I’m a face person. In other words no matter how perfect your body may be, if your face doesn’t attract me, then I won’t be attracted to you in that way. I could like you as a person, but I’ve never had a crush on anyone whose face was either just there or ugly IMO. I can be attracted to someone who’s overweight, but there are limits of course, as there usually are with most of us. I may be no skinny mini myself, but we can’t help what turns us on/off, and extreme obesity just doesn’t cut it for me.

Regardless of body weight/shape, I usually go for tall women with dark eyes and hair, though there have been some exceptions. I prefer straight hair to curls since I’ve got enough damn curls of my own to make up for both of us. I’m short and this is something women don’t usually go for. I’m muscular from working out, though feminine. I don’t look butchy in any way and I’ve never cared for that look myself. I know we can’t help what we look like for the most part, but you don’t have to “be a man” to be attracted to or to love another woman, as far as I’m concerned. That’s the one thing I could never understand. What’s the point of looking like the men you’re supposedly not attracted to anyway? I just don’t see what hair length should have to do with who we’re attracted to. I’m not going to cut off my hair just because I find some women attractive. Nor am I going to stop wearing lipstick and heels for them, though I don’t do these things as much as I did years ago anyway. I don’t care to look like a sloppy frump, but I prefer the comfortable look these days to the flashy look.

I have imperfections that can be a turn-off such as a deformed left ear and overly large eyes and long eyelashes. My nose is fine but my lips are too thin.

I tend to be attracted to a certain type of personality that’s usually not attracted to mine in return so I had shitty luck with women before I met Tom. That’s because opposites don’t attract in the real world, but only in mine. Straight vs. gay couples are funny in a way cuz while straights are a little more open to those who are different from them personality-wise, they seem to want to look more alike. With gays, they tend to seek out similar personalities but opposite looks. In other words, I do a great job of attracting loony butches. I don’t mean to sound cold, rude or judgmental. I’m just being blunt is all. I’m a little “loony” myself, and as I just said, opposites don’t usually attract personality-wise in the gay world. The so-called “normal” types with good careers and a more “civilized” and quiet personality tend to steer clear of me.

No matter who you are or what you look like, I am a sarcastic bitch with an answer for everything. I’m weird and I do many things in a strange way. I understand things most people don’t and I don’t understand things most people do. I have a driving phobia and cannot keep a schedule, but I can teach myself languages and write stories. I have a silly and sometimes sick sense of humor. I’m loud, I’m fast, I’m obnoxious, I’m outspoken, but I’m me.

When I have a crush on someone I tend to do two things. One is that I want to know everything there is to know about them, big and small. This causes me to ask lots of questions which can sometimes give them the wrong idea and make them think that my curiosity is really nosiness or that I have ill intentions in mind.

The other thing I do is find any compliments they may give me a million times more flattering than if they came from someone I’m not crushing on.

Well, it’s been fun sharing with you what tends to make me go crushy-crushy, but I’ve got to get on with other things now.

FRIDAY, JUNE 15, 2012
How can someone I’ve chatted up a storm with say they “miss” me? Well, Aira, who’s very sweet but fast becoming a pest, already misses me yet it was just a few hours since we chatted here there and everywhere – Ask, Facebook, MyOpera.

Did I simply have yet to learn that she was crazy and destined to stalk me for years to come? I wondered to myself. I knew she had a pleasant enough face and wasn’t a blond. But still, something had to be wrong with this chick to deserve so much attention from her, right? So I went in search of body shots within her albums on Facebook and sure enough, she’s HUGE. Yeah, only a chick that big and that young could miss me so soon! Poor girl’s gotta be over 200 pounds.

If I were in a room with 10 hotties and 1 that was ugly or just there, that’s the one that would be after me. The others would be like, get away from me, bitch!

I may not have the perfect body, but it seems I’m the opposite of most people; my body is nicer than my face. Younger-looking anyway. Sometimes I think it’d be nice if it were the other way around. The body is easier to hide than the face unless you want to go live in the Middle East where women wouldn’t even be allowed to show their eyes if they didn’t need to see where they were going.

Anyway, if one’s weight is this out of control in their 20s, imagine what their 40s will have in store for them?! It’s so easy to lose weight at 27, but you know how it works. You have to want to lose the weight. 1000-1200 calories a day and I could kiss my extra pounds goodbye. But I HATE hunger!

Later…

The weekend is here and fortunately, Tom doesn’t have to work tomorrow. So we can spend the weekend celebrating our anniversary, which basically means shopping and eating!

Jesse’s back to the weekend outings. He didn’t leave till after 9:30 tonight, but knowing the dogs would be barking on and off till the wee hours of the morning, I turned the sound machines on so I don’t have to deal with it. As I said before, I already feel bad for the next people in here unless they don’t mind this shit, and apparently, most people don’t.

As I told Nane after she left this nice anniversary “card” on my wall with nice hot pink letters, teasing humans burns a lot of calories, LOL.

Based on my calculations from my measurements, if I suddenly lost my muscle mass and had an average amount of muscle for my size and age, I could weigh as low as 118 pounds.

Why are my legs the shittiest-looking part of my body when they get worked the hardest? And how does a bathtub that no one takes baths in end up with a ring around it? While I normally prefer showers to baths anyway, I haven’t soaked in a nice hot bubble bath for years since the back of this tub isn’t slanted.

Trying to decide what beauty treatment to give myself tonight. Trim the bush? Polish the nails? How ‘bout bush tonight, nails tomorrow. No shaving, that’s for sure. No matter what lotion I use afterward I always get irritated. Besides, the Baldilocks style is too little girlish for my tastes. But letting the weeds get too out of hand doesn’t leave me feeling very sanitary either. Is that personal enough for you guys?

I never heard back from Maliheh and I wonder if something’s wrong. Why not just leave me a message on what’s up with her if she can’t get a hold of me? She can’t be that busy if her student count is that low. Makes me wonder about that dream I had where her mother died. There’s also been no activity on the drama queen’s page, but I know I couldn’t get lucky enough for her own death dream to ring true. The bitch is going to live a long life with more money than she’ll ever need. She’ll never know a day of poverty in her life no matter how many physical problems the jumbo-sized bitch may have.

THURSDAY, JUNE 14, 2012
I’m totally loving the freedom I’ve been having from trolls lately. :) Who knows just how much shit I blamed on Molly that was really Kim’s doing? I’m just glad to be rid of them both! I’ll definitely make this a friends-only entry. I would think they’d still be checking up on me every now and then and I don’t want to mention them in public and give them the incentive to go back to tormenting me. On MyOpera I can only see if I’ve gotten visitors, not who or where they are. 3 years of Molly’s shit, then some from Kim on Ask where she knew she could be anonymous, was more than enough.

I’m now able to post more and more things publicly on Facebook without having to worry they’re going to harass my friends. I’ve already alerted them about Molly, though, so they know to block anything they may get from that name. She’s never bothered my Facebook friends that I know of. Just on blogging and other sites.

It was nice chatting some more this morning with Nane, Irene and Christiane. Christiane commented on the pet mice album I uploaded to Facebook as part of my picture reorganization project I’ve got going.

Later…

In less than 5 hours is our 18th wedding anniversary. :) Too bad he has to spend it working his ass off for 10 hours with a bunch of incompetent idiots that only make his job harder, while I sleep it away. But on the bright side, they’re just throwing away more money that lands in his pockets, and we fully intend to make up for it over the weekend. Saturday morning will be shopping at Walmart and Sunday morning will be pigging out at the IHOP. We really hope he doesn’t have to work on Saturday, but that will just turn his $200 in OT into $400 if he does.

I’m hoping we’ll be on a bus line when we move so I can take the bus to the dentist when I start dealing with that, and not have to have Tom use any of his days off. He earns a day off for every month he works, but when you figure that no matter what they end up doing to my teeth it’s going to probably take a dozen appointments to do it in, I don’t know that he’d even have enough days off. We can’t count on the dentist having evening appointments available and we certainly don’t want him taking any time off from work just to cart me to and from appointments.

I’m ahead of my writing deadline, so that’s good. I expect to hit the 50K-word minimum by the end of the month but don’t know if the book will be done by that point. Probably not. Like I said before, this is a more intricate plot with more characters involved.

The Jes pest came down on the ATV just after I’d gotten up and gave Tom a box of shit to pour down the toilet. It’s something to treat the septic with. Then off it went. It’s never gonna get the meaning of “call first” and it’s never going to want to get it. But it is going to be getting some bad news soon enough, hee hee! Yeah, 14 days and counting, then we can spring into action and start actively looking for a place instead of just having ideas of what’s out there.

Although not the least bit surprised, I was dismayed to see Kim created yet another account on Ask. She hasn’t harassed me (yet) but I saw she’d asked Aly questions when I went to ask/answer her questions. I blocked the account, though I know it won’t do me any good when she wants to tell me anonymously that God hates me and she “smells” a loser in me.

I hadn’t heard from Aly in nearly a week and I was beginning to wonder what was up with her. I figured she was having a hard time and sure enough, she said she’s been having trouble sleeping again. I know she’s also been struggling with depression and is in therapy for that.

Christiane’s been on and off my mind since she commented on my photo album and I have to wonder why it always makes me feel good to hear from her. I guess it’s because I kind of like her and am a bit attracted to her. I’m not drooling over her or anything like that. She’s attractive but not that attractive.

Nane’s been blowing off some of my messages and emails, but still “liking,” commenting and posting things to my wall on Facebook, so it’s not like she hasn’t been around.

I woke up to a message from Maliheh that was left at 2pm, but I didn’t get up till 5pm. All she said is what she usually says: You there?

So I probably won’t know what’s up with her till we chat.

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 13, 2012
Tom passed his exam – yay! But unfortunately, he does still have high blood pressure and he’ll have to deal with that at some point. I just wish we could move like right this second so we could get on with other things! It’s pointless to get a dentist and things like that until we know for sure where we’re going to end up and that’s almost certainly not going to be here in Auburn. The Rocklin/Roseville area is more likely. I have so many bodily repairs and issues to deal with that it’s a little overwhelming, but I’m glad I now have the insurance with which to deal with it all. It will be a matter of priority. For me, it’ll be my teeth first, then my eyes, then my ear, then the sleep thing last. Especially since from what we’ve read, even if every doctor in the world could diagnose the disorder, I still don’t qualify for benefits cuz I’m married and haven’t worked enough years according to their standards. That’s just our fucked up system for you. Like I told someone on Ask, I’m not sure what I hate more at times, God or the government. So true was the sign a guy was holding in one of Andy’s Ask background pics that I made my profile pic on Facebook.

Chatted with my usual pals, Andy, Nane, Mitch, Adonis and my new friend Aira who serves as a pleasant reminder that not everyone in Texas is fucked in the head.

I had a dream which I wish to hell I could share on FB that would go something like this: Dear God. Last night I dreamt my sister died. And so I come to you today on bended knees begging you to please, please MAKE THAT DREAM AN AWESOME REALITY!”

LOL, I better “whisper” that one, though the thought of posting it and people “liking” it is funny as hell. The drama queen sure wouldn’t think so, though. Either way, it kinda sucks that I stopped having dream premonitions.

TUESDAY, JUNE 12, 2012
It has been hot and dry here, though it seems summer just doesn’t want to kick in for my German buddy, hahaha.

Woke up to more questions in Spanish than in English on Ask, so that was cool. Yo gusto español mucho mejor.

Yesterday was a shitty day allergy-wise. I had random sneezing fits on and off all day and night. Today I’m sore from all the sneezing but it would be a lot worse if I didn’t work out. The sleep disorder alone is a definite curse from above. So why must I have had and still have so many other problems on top of it? Asthma, allergies, ear problems, dental problems, etc. The asthma’s been dormant since quitting smoking, but really, why has God been so shitty to me health-wise for so much of my life???

Sometimes I like to speculate on what I would do if I were suddenly in a particular situation. Or what others would do. I asked Tom what he would major and minor in if he were suddenly in college. He said he wasn’t sure, though it would more than likely be computers for a major and either electronics or music for a minor. 20 years ago I’d have majored in voice and minored in some kind of art. Now it’d be writing and languages, but I’m not sure which one would be the major.

“You eat sweets when you’re stressed – candy, ice cream, cake, cookies… why? Because stressed spelled backward is desserts.” LOL, cute one.

Later…

Although I’ve eaten plenty and haven’t forgotten my vitamins, I’ve been sluggish ever since I’ve been up. Perhaps it’s because I slept kind of shitty. I woke up for no reason at all over and over again. I had tons of dreams involving animals – cats, birds, snakes… I wish I would start “seeing” ahead in my dreams as to where we may be moving to. I think I’m experienced enough now with these things to get a sense of what could be meaningful vs. what probably isn’t.

Fortunately, I haven’t sneezed yet since I’ve been up but nearly 6 hours later I still feel kind of out of it. I didn’t even work out for long. Just enough to keep the muscles going strong for after 72 hours the meltdown slowly begins.

Tom has to take a physical tomorrow as part of the requirements for those driving a forklift. He’s worried about his blood pressure. So am I. Not just for obvious reasons, but he was hired specifically because he agreed to drive the lift, so if he doesn’t pass this physical, then what? Is this where God tears us back down so He can get a good laugh and see to it that we can’t move? I hope not! But after all, we’ve been through this will always be a concern of mine.

I’m both surprised and glad that I haven’t been bothered lately by Kim or Molly. The harassment on Ask stopped the day I confronted Kim who reacted with the classic guilty reaction she reacted with. But I knew it was her. In the end, she’d gotten so obvious that even a retard could’ve figured her out.

MONDAY, JUNE 11, 2012
Bunny Nose is now 23,672 words long with 27,328 words remaining to hit Camp Nano’s target of 50,000 words.

At the rate I’m going it’s looking like neither of us is going to be right. Tom said I’d lose on 1500 calories a day with exercise and I said I’d gain. So far I’m only half a pound lighter than I was last Monday when I first started this plan.

The baking soda and salt concoction seems to be helping my teeth tremendously. This is great because we want to use Tom’s days off for moving and not playing dentist. He wouldn’t even yet have the 3 days off he’s got if he worked for an American company and he hadn’t won one of them in that raffle.

Poor guy’s doing OT again. I’m sure he’s got the usual mixed emotions about it, too. It’s tiring, but we could literally live off the OT alone even if it might be a bit tight.

The sucky thing about the dentist, whoever they end up being, is knowing that they’re going to do what’s best for their wallet, not for their patient. So while trying to salvage these hopeless teeth may make them more money, it means many appointments for me. Not my idea of a good time. So I may have to work a bit at talking them into just knocking the fuckers out and giving me dentures.

The baby birdies in the next on the corner of the porch right outside the door across from the bathroom sound so cute chirping away. They remind me of newborn mice. I peered through the door’s blinds and saw Mama Bird feeding the babies earlier, but then she saw me and flew away.

My mind is a mixture of thoughts of moving, the fun things Tom and I have to look forward to, sexy Serb actresses, and bad news coming Jesse’s way soon enough.

At first I wondered if we should tell Jesse on the 1st that we’re looking to move and only pay him half a month’s rent with the promise of paying the rest of it if we’re here throughout the entire month for fear of him not giving us our money back if we left in the middle of the month. But then Tom made a few good points as to why we shouldn’t tell him we’re moving till we actually get a place. For one, nicer places like what we’re looking to get into always rent before they’re empty. If we were looking for another dump like this, then getting our money back could be an issue, cuz those are usually available right away. So we won’t say anything till we get a place. Also, giving him 30 days’ notice shouldn’t be an issue, not that I care if he gets that much. We give him what we can give him.

Another reason we don’t want to say anything till we have a place is that as soon as we say the word, the projects are likely to start. If we don’t have a place yet he’ll take his sweet time. If we tell him we’re out in 30 days or less, then he’ll get the damn roof and painting done as fast as he can.

What’s funny is knowing that once he does the roof and painting he’s going to think the projects are all done. But then as soon as we leave and he sees how bad the kitchen sink and tub faucets leak, he’s going to realize that they’re far from done, LOL. The kitchen sink is probably a quick fix, but the old ancient tub of shit probably needs to be replaced entirely and that’s a HUGE job cuz you need to cut into the wall.

Nothing would be as funny as the thought of him getting really shitty tenants, though. Then again, not quite. That’s runner-up. The funniest thing would actually be him not being able to re-rent the place for many months. It’s hard to say just how fast it’ll go. Most people don’t want to live in the country. They don’t like the quiet and they want to hear their neighbors regularly because it makes them feel less alone and lonely. Some people would even find living out here a bit scary. On the other hand, trashy, tiny old trailer or not, $825 with everything included but propane and internet/phone is a good deal for pricey California.

SUNDAY, JUNE 10, 2012
Won $15 in scratch tickets and saw a funny post on Facebook: Do you think the guy who invented the vibrator heard voices saying, ‘If you build it they will come’?

I ordered some free samples from Walmart’s site thinking I was getting some samples of pads. The kind used for periods. But as soon as it arrived today and I saw the word Poise on it I knew I’d accidentally ordered pisser pads instead of period pads. Oops. Might make for a nice going-away present for Jesse, though. :)

Later…

I was watching this movie, Das Fräulein, in German. Or so I thought it was all in German. It started off that way and I was delighted at how much I could understand without looking at the English subtitles, though I did have to look at some of them in order to make the connection with what I was hearing. Next thing I know nothing makes sense anymore, and I mean nothing at all. It was then that I realized that after researching one of the actresses in the movie I was suddenly hearing Serbian and not German. Serbian sort of sounds like Russian. The writing looks a lot like it, too. Anyway, I liked one of the actresses who was tall, dark and 55, according to Wiki. I’m sure most people would consider her too old and too plain, especially men. But she had a way about her that was both attractive yet ordinary at the same time. She stood out from the others but was so “real” and unglamorous if that makes any sense at all.

I’m glad I talked Andy into coming directly to my blog to keep up with my journal instead of emailing him copies. It’s easier on me because that way I don’t have to worry about forgetting to send him every entry. I’ll still email him anything private, though. This way he also gets to see some of the animated backgrounds I can’t display on Ask. I was enclosing pictures with my emails but they’re the same pics I’m going to eventually have on Ask anyway. I reset my blog to allow for anonymous comments, so he can still comment easily enough.

With Maliheh it’s different. I don’t forget anything in her copy cuz I copy directly from the blog, 5 entries at a time, into an email for her. Then I decorate it with cat pics cuz that’s her thing.

Bunny Nose is now over 21,000 words, and although Camp NaNo is helping to motivate me to write, it’s progressing slowly and boringly. I really, really think this is going to be just about one of the most boring stories I’ve ever written, LOL. But maybe – just maybe – if I ever finish the damn thing, I will let you, my fine readers, be the judge of that for these things are still a matter of personal opinion, aren’t they?

SATURDAY, JUNE 9, 2012
At this very moment 20 years ago I was in the air and on my way from New England to Arizona. “Don’t hate Arizona just because of one case,” someone once said. Easier said than done when that one case was you. On the other hand, I was/am far from the only white person to get railroaded by the legal system there, and I also know that had I never lived there I never would’ve met Tom. But now that I’ve been married to Tom for almost 18 years and haven’t lived there in almost 8, a horse with a 500-mile-wide ass can fly over the damn state and shit on it for all I care.

I have both good and bad bodily news. The good news is that even though my own ass is nearly 500 miles wide, and even though I have tons of fat on my arms, they’re looking really scary when I flex my biceps! Love the way you can see the muscles sort of twist around each other in “waves” like on a bodybuilder. To be able to see so much muscle shining through all that fat is a reminder of just how much muscle I’ve built up.

Also, some of the exercises I’m doing really helps keep my chest lifted as if I were wearing a bra even when I’m not. I was out at KFC earlier in a rather form-fitting tank top that’s sort of tight and clingy even though it’s not. This woman who was perhaps in her 60s couldn’t take her eyes off a certain area, LOL, even though I still wish I were flat. I still look like shit at the same time my body looks much younger than its 46 years from the years of working out. I’m never going to lose the fat no matter how much muscle and stamina I continue to build up. That much is obvious. I simply can’t deal with the hunger and fatigue of half-starving myself to lose more than just a few pounds. Therefore, I’ll remain the big girl I was meant to be.

The bad bodily news is that I definitely have one, possibly two, infected teeth. I may’ve mentioned this earlier, though they’re not yet as bad as the tooth I had pulled a year ago. Tom read that gargling with both salt and baking soda helps kill infections, so we’re going to try that first since I really would prefer to wait till we get moved before I see a dentist. Not because I think spending the extra money would delay the move but because we don’t know where we’re going to end up. I don’t want us to have to drive 40 minutes to the dentist after we move, and I don’t want to bounce around from dentist to dentist either, so if this will back off some of the pain for a few more months, great.

FRIDAY, JUNE 8, 2012
It hit me today that things aren’t the same anymore as far as my feelings for Nane go. When she dumped me last December, I felt hurt and angry. Not just for being dumped but also because she chose to do it during one of my worst times in life. Yet if she dumped me right now I’d be like, oh well. Once realizing this is the way I would feel I realized that my feelings for her aren’t what they used to be. I guess most cases of lust eventually fizzle out with time, though this doesn’t mean I don’t care about her. She will always be special and hold some fun and interesting memories for me whether or not she’s in my life forever or not for much longer.

I won’t tell her this but after Bunny Nose, if the damn thing ever gets finished, I’m thinking of dropping her as a supporting-lead character. For the last several books I’ve based at least one of the leads on her physical description as well as personality, with some fictitious twists and turns mixed in, of course. But that’s getting kind of old for me just like some others I’d base characters on that either didn’t mind or didn’t know they inspired the character. Like Kate Jackson, for example. I’m sure she’ll never know that some of my earlier stories had characters I pictured in mind to look, talk and act much like her. Most writers base the leads on someone they know or have seen for obvious reasons; it gives them a sense of realism, thus making for a more believable story with more realistic characters. That is unless you’re doing some sci-fi or fantasy-based story that doesn’t have much realism to it anyway. The point is that now it’s time for someone new if I ever write another story again and pull out of this dry spell I’ve been having, but I don’t know who it will be. Maybe I should try my hand at a 100% fictitious cast of characters.

I managed to finish chapter 12 of Bunny Nose last night, but I don’t know if I stand much of a chance of being one of this summer’s NaNo winners. I entered the story as mainstream fiction since gay/lesbian wasn’t an option, but it’s actually a mix of things.

When browsing through Nane’s latest vacation album I saw pics of what I’m pretty sure are of Askim, and was thinking to myself, this is what she calls sexy??? Ok, so we all have our different turn-ons, but there’s nothing sexy in him that I could see. Really, I don’t see what she sees in a bald guy with a hairy chest even if his body isn’t the worst. Hair should be on the head, as far as I’m concerned, not the chest.

I guess I better keep this entry out of her viewing pleasure, LOL.

THURSDAY, JUNE 7, 2012
I’m really starting to get sick of the random changes that occur within my computer for seemingly no reason at all. I lose audio at times and I have no idea what I could’ve possibly done to trip the settings. It was fine last night when I watched a movie. So what could have happened while I slept to kill it? I’m going to have to have Tom restore it when he gets in since nothing I’ve tried seems to want to do the trick.

And how did my desktop wallpaper magically get restored to its default setting???

These aren’t the biggest questions of the day, though. The biggest question is how did Jesse bulldoze this area without waking me up??? Yeah, I had the sound machine on but remember, we do live in a flimsy little trailer and that thing is tremendously loud. Yet when I looked out the kitchen’s side window when I got up I could see that the entire clearing has been weeded. He could’ve come down on foot with the weed whacker but I highly doubt that.

Later…

It seems like I may have one or two new casualties in my mouth. Well, these teeth are getting infected from the feel of them and so I may not be able to wait till we move to get started with the tons and tons of dental work I’ll need done. But it’s 8 years overdue anyway. If the pain gets to the point that it’s waking me up like the last tooth did, then I’ll have to schedule an appointment for sure. I’ll make an appointment on Monday if they’re still bothering me by then. This time it’s the upper teeth by the one that broke up on me in Oregon. Really wanted to wait, though. I was hoping to get moved, get the savings built back up again (although at the rate we’re going with all the OT we’ll have way more than we need when he turns 55), get some things we’ll need for the place, then deal with the dentist. Doesn’t quite look like we’ll be doing it in that order, though.

Anyway, I’m still going to stick to my new rule of not discussing any dental or medical problems I may have in detail online. Too many people can’t handle it.

All the OT is exhausting for Tom and he kind of misses working just 8 hours a day, but it sure is making us rich! Most people would probably consider us just comfortable, but after what we’ve been through I feel rather rich. We could pay a few months of rent and get a new car if we had to, even if the “new” car would actually be just a decent used one like what we’ve got now. We don’t like to have anything overly new anyway, as the newer the car, the more appealing they are to thieves and the more gas they guzzle. You would think they’d start making newer cars more economically smart, but most of the time they don’t. Our car sure runs and looks pretty nice for an 18-year-old car.

Tom fixed my computer settings. It was weird. I was worried someone hacked in at first even though that’s hard to do with a Mac, but if they had they’d do more than just tweak my settings. For some reason, the sound was fine with the earbuds plugged in, but the speaker’s settings were all muted. He thinks my computer crashed and reset itself while I slept, something even a Mac does every now and then, though it’s usually only a few times a year.

I was wrong in assuming Jesse bulldozed down here. I don’t know why, but the yellow daisies weren’t fully open at noon like they usually are and so that’s why I thought he weeded today. But when I was outside earlier I could see he hadn’t.

I spotted some yellow jackets setting up house on the side of the trailer with a little starter hive, so Tom had me go inside and he rolled up the car windows and then hit it with the long-distance spray.

When Tom got home, as if he wasn’t already exhausted enough, he noticed a leak in the cooler’s plastic tubing. It was just a tiny leak making it spray like a mister, but he got up there and fixed it himself so that Jesse wouldn’t want to come down tomorrow while I was sleeping if he didn’t have the parts on hand to fix it tonight. Besides, it was a quick fix and Jesse might’ve been out at the time anyway. I think he’s been gone ever since I’ve been up. I had to yell at the fucking mutts 3 times to get them to shut up. Last night he didn’t return on the Harley till around 8pm.

It was this thing with the leak that got me to see that maybe we should really think about owning again someday, especially since it’s not as impossible as I thought it was. When those who can’t keep a damn schedule own, they don’t have to worry about pesky landlords popping in on them. We’ve got plenty of time to decide. First things first and that’s getting moved. Then we can see what an adult community is like while we save up for a possible down payment somewhere. I’m not so sure anymore that leaving this area, even after he’s retired, is such a good idea. Again, though, we’ve got plenty of time to decide. So nothing’s ruled out, but nothing’s for sure either. Both owning and renting have their pros and cons and the same goes for if we remained in Cali or not.

Just like I asked myself what we should do if we didn’t like adult community living and where we would go from there, I also asked myself what I would do if the barking was just as bad there. Most people really do believe there’s nothing they can do about their dog’s racket when they’re out and they really do believe their responsibility as a dog owner ends with them not being home and that they’re not obligated to give a damn about their neighbors. They just don’t get that dogs can be taken inside when they’re out. Really, it’s not as silly as bringing a horse indoors would be like most people in the West seem to think it is. Even anti-bark collars are supposed to be a big help in curbing barking, but people just don’t care. They live in their own selfish little world and to hell with others.

Anyway, I think that the next time we have to deal with a neighbor that won’t control their dog(s), it’s unlikely they’ll be our landlord, and therefore they’ll have no kind of a hold on us. But knowing from past experience that complaining to them about it will do us no good at all, and knowing that killing them would only cause them to simply replace them with new dogs to bark their asses off, I think we should either just get a dog of our own if we’re going to have to listen to it anyway or consider contacting Animal Control. Animal Control would certainly have more leverage than we would, although that didn’t work on Jesse when he was complained on by whoever complained on him. He either has a friend in the right places, or the judge, being as twisted as most of them are, accepted his lame “When I’m not home there’s nothing I can do about it” line that he tried to lay on us. Still, I say we either bark back and have a pet that’ll live 15 years instead of the 2 rats live, or let AC deal with it.

Dee didn’t delete me on Thoughts like I thought she did. It was just one of the many glitches the site has. She said it took her 20 minutes alone just to bring up my profile so she could re-add me. That’s why I’m not there much. When people ignore their site’s problems week after week, month after month, you know they have no intentions of fixing them. My tracking subscription only has about 10 days left on it anyway.

Tom also swears he doesn’t have a Formspring account, so I guess Facebook is just fucked up and can’t keep track of who has what. And why not? No site on earth seems to be able to function properly anyway.

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 6, 2012
I called my mom today to wish her a happy birthday. She’s 80 now. Wow! We didn’t talk long, mostly because there wasn’t much to say. I didn’t realize she was still in a cast. Not surprisingly, she’s got friends around to help her out, so she’s not totally alone which is nice. I figured someone would be around to look in on her, though no one’s taking her to dinner or anything like that, I guess. Again I offered to fly to her if she could use an extra hand, but again she declined. I told her things were still going well here and she was glad to hear it. I mentioned my writing and she wasn’t interested. Mom’s just that way; if it’s something she can’t relate to or isn’t interested in, then it’s boring to her.

While I’m on the subject of writing, I joined Camp NaNoWriMo in hopes of motivating myself to get back into my writing. Call it one last-ditch effort to resurrect Bunny Nose.

Woke up to the Jes pest running the bulldozer. Lucky me, huh? It didn’t last long, though, before he roared out on the motorcycle. He wasn’t doing the drive but firebreak instead. Don’t know how many more days he’ll be bulldozing, but I should be sleeping later and later and so I shouldn’t have to deal with it so long as he doesn’t come down here. He might, though, cuz his nephew really did a half-assed job with the weeding.

Nane posted a new photo album with a couple of dozen pictures from her latest TR trip. They sure do have some beautiful places there! Even though she said she didn’t lose a pound during the trip, she looked the same as she usually looks in the two pictures she was in, which means she’s still skinny.

I giggled to myself after reading this chat on Facebook between her and a friend. She asked the friend how and why she came to learn German since she seems to know it quite well. The woman said she didn’t know it, actually, and had used a translator, but was trying to learn. Being the little devil I can be, I wanted sooo badly to say in German, “Well, my grammar may still be a bit shaky, but I only had to look up a few words of Nane’s latest posts ~ written by Dame Regenbogen WITHOUT a translator, hahaha!”

But that would earn me quite a strangling from Nane. I did joke about it in private with her, though. I just neglected to ask her what she sees in Jim if any of the pictures with guys in were him and not just people passing by. Then again, that would be coming from a woman who sees 98% of the male population as either boring or ugly anyway.

I “poked” Christiane cuz I was curious to see if she’d poke me back and she did.

Later…

Poor Tom’s had to work OT twice so far this week. If we were still broke and struggling he’d probably be wishing for OT he couldn’t get. But now that we’ve got enough saved to live on for nearly half a year, they’re OTing him regularly.

I just worry my teeth might not hold out much longer, though I’m hoping they’ll at least wait till after the move. I just don’t want to have to focus on anything else right now even if we only have to pay $20 for every $100 worth of dental work.

I do not like the two dreams I had last night at all. I really hope I’m having a dry spell with the premonitions because if I’m not, then bad things could lie ahead for us, and Maliheh may lose her mother at the end of the year.

In one dream we were forced to do jury duty over and over again until it was sucking every last dime out of us. No one – not the courts or anyone else – would compensate us for our time and effort. We were literally broke all over again because of it. Finally, I put my foot down and said, “Hey, the state of California isn’t our parents, and even if they were, we’re adults here, so enough of this shit with being told what to do and robbed blind!”

In another dream, we were living in an apartment. I’ve noticed in real life that for some reason things usually start off smoothly enough with neighbors after we move. But within 4-6 months of moving they either become noisy or they move and noisy ones take their place. In the dream, I heard bumps and bangs in the dream and opened the door to the apartment. I didn’t see anything but stairs leading downward and the door to the apartment next to us. It hit me that it had probably been quiet so far only because the apartments below and next to us were empty. But now someone was moving in below us.

Again, I hope these dubious dreams don’t mean anything!

I was surprised to find both Dani and Dee unfriended me on Thoughts. They were always so nice to me, too. Out of curiosity, I asked them why but they wouldn’t tell me. Oh well, people gotta do what they gotta do.

Even more surprising is that Tom apparently has a Formspring account. Since when and why didn’t he tell me??? I’ll have to ask him when he gets in. But I went there to pick on Kim anonymously and give her at least a small dose of her own medicine. However, you have to join to search for somebody, not that I expect she’d use her real name anyway. She only uses her real name on Facebook which I know of. On the homepage is where it shows me which FB friends have an account there and Tom was one of them along with Aly, Adonis, and a Valleyheader named Ellen.

I’m sure Kim’s still bullshitting Aly as well as others, craftily turning herself into the victim once confronted and going right into denial as well as incognito.

TUESDAY, JUNE 5, 2012
The Jes pest is on his very loud and very annoying bulldozer now. After just one day of rain??? We didn’t get that much rain. But I figured by now this guy, who seems to have absolutely no interests in life other than being an outdoor nuisance, would be starting to get pretty restless by now. I just hope this is the last time I’ve got to listen to God knows how many hours of this damn thing running and that we get out of here before he tackles the roof. For now, I’ve got a couple of hours of music queued up on the laptop and will just have to wait till later to watch any movies. Really hate it when a neighbor dictates when I can do what, especially when they’re hundreds of feet away.

I also hope this is the last cold spell for the year. It’s almost never this cool in June, but last night it felt like we were back up in Oregon. It got down to 45°! I dragged the heavy-duty comforter back out and as long as I stayed hunkered down under that thing I could sleep without the heat. When I got up, it was only 66° in here so I threw the portable on till later in the morning.

I had less than 1500 calories yesterday but I’m afraid that’s only because I was busy as hell and not because I suddenly possess this amazing sense of self-control. I was busy gutting old photo albums of the pictures that have yet to be scanned into the computer. That way we don’t buy the scanner till we get moved but we also don’t lug the 6 albums over there either. After I pulled out the unscanned pics, they took up about the same space as one album but weren’t as heavy.

I also started rearranging what I’ve currently got in my picture files and once we do get things scanned in I plan to redo my online photo albums on Facebook, Photobucket and maybe Webshots.

Tomorrow’s mom’s 80th birthday. Wow. She must feel so old, lonely and depressed. I go back and forth where my feelings for this woman are concerned. Sometimes I feel no pity for her. Why should I sympathize with someone who caused me so many years of grief? But I do sometimes. Sometimes I can just imagine how horrible she must be feeling these days and I can’t help but feel a sting of empathy tug at my heart.

I do wonder, however, why Tammy’s leaving me out of the loop where Mom’s concerned. I asked her to fill me in on her trip and how mom’s doing and all that but she hasn’t said a thing. Is she holding out on me for some reason or am I just imagining that she is?

Aly told me Kim’s now on Formspring (so much for going offline “forever”) but Aly hates that site as much as Andy and I have come to hate it. Kim said the only way she’d return to Ask would be if Aly created a new account so I can’t find hers.

LOL, don’t flatter yourself, bitch. When I decide I don’t want anything to do with someone, the last thing I’m going to care about is checking up on them.

Other than getting sick of Kim’s lies and delusions and the same old questions she asks over and over, Aly assured me that she won’t let her play her against me. I know we’re tight as friends, though, so I’m not worried about Kim coming between us at all.

MONDAY, JUNE 4, 2012
My nails are getting so long that it’s interfering with my typing. Perhaps it’s time to trim these mini daggers.

We seem to have changed seasons overnight. Went from warm and dry to cold and wet. It didn’t rain much but tonight we’re to get down to 45°. Gonna have to run the portable heaters for sure! No motorcycles for the Jes pest today. I’m amazed the dogs aren’t going ballistic, so he’s obviously home today.

I decided to wait on the scanner. We’ll get it after the move. But we still don’t have to lug the photo albums if I just pull the pictures out and stuff them in an envelope. There aren’t that many, and most have been digitized anyway. If anything this will help me organize them better.

Woke up to a message from Nane after sleeping forever (12 hours) and she got back from TR last night. She said she was very active, so much so that she didn’t have time to read my books, yet didn’t lose a pound, LOL. Yeah, my own weight’s getting out of hand again, though I’m glad it’s my only problem these days. I’d still rather be fat, happy and healthy than thin, miserable and broke. Either way, at least she can still get into a bikini. I’d probably look like shit even in a 1-piece. It’s hard to know exactly how much of the weight is due to the muscle mass I’ve built up. My waist is kinda smallish, but my chest and hips are way out there. I’m not quite the 40C I thought I was, though. I’m a 38C, but that’s still a bit overkill. Who the hell goes from mosquito bites to that without getting implants?!

SUNDAY, JUNE 3, 2012
So Kim’s right back to her impersonations, lies and games, just like I told Aly she would be. According to Aly’s email yesterday she brought “Ted” back to Twitter and blocked her after promising to let her follow her “Ted” accounts. When Aly confronted her with it the twisted piece of shit tried to claim she didn’t know she’d find the account or that she would feel hurt by it. The truth is that she didn’t want Aly to find it because she knew it would hurt her.

Again Aly says she knows she may be a fool for not cutting ties with Kim but that there are still too many fond memories to let Kim go, Kim has no one else, and she likes feeling needed. I admire Aly’s compassion and lack of selfishness. Most people would hate to feel needed. Feeling needed makes most people feel trapped, burdened and taken advantage of.

Nothing’s changed, though. Kim is still a delusional liar living in a fantasy world. She’s never going to be fully honest with Aly or anyone else. She could never be a true friend to anyone. I’ve dealt with enough crazies to know. I’m a little surprised she didn’t harass me on Ask yesterday, though she could’ve been the one who asked if I’m a member of the Mile High Club. Aly agrees it’s iffy as to whether or not she’ll harass me in the future but doesn’t doubt she’s following my accounts. Again, it doesn’t make sense to follow someone you clearly don’t like, but as I reminded Aly, I’ll keep any mention of her and her shit private unless she does go back to pestering me.

Later…

Someone anonymously bought me a gift on Ask. :) That was pretty nice of whoever it was, and if I had to guess I’d go with Lady Di in Latvia. Either way, it had to come from another country because they’re not available here. Why they chose to give it anonymously beats me as I would think most people would want you to know it if they bought you a gift. But you have that option along with sending it privately or publicly. The “gifts” are these decorative badges. Mine’s a cute little robot holding a heart.

Anyway, I’m just amazed at all the activity on Ask vs. Formspring. I have over 1000 answers and 275 likes. I’m also getting more questions from more people.

Oh, Jesse, Jesse, Jesse. You are sooo lucky we’re almost out of here. Better yet, your mutts are even luckier!

They didn’t go crazy last night or the night before, but there have been barking sprees during the daytime. They don’t usually go off when it’s warm out, but not only are they going off right now, but they don’t listen to me anymore when I yell up to them to shut up. So I’m stuck with having to have the sound machine on even though I would really like to just sit and enjoy some peace and quiet. Again, I am going to be sooo fucking pissed if barking is still a regular thing in an adult community! I can’t keep taking this shit from neighbor after neighbor. Jesse was our landlord so that sort of tied my hands right there, but I swear the next neighbor that sics hours of barking on me will get Animal Control called on them! And I don’t care what kind of corrupt connections they may have!

Oh, here comes Mr. I Don’t Give a Shit on its Harley right now. Good. Maybe I can enjoy the rest of the afternoon in peace.

I made a deal with Tom and unfortunately, I’ll be proving him wrong on July 15th. He says that if I let myself have 1500 calories a day and work out for an hour a day be it with the bands, the treadmill, ab crunching or whatever, my weight will be down in 6 weeks.

And I say he’s full of shit. I still say something’s going on with me that’s affecting my metabolism in a bad way, though I don’t know what. My body simply doesn’t respond to diet and exercise like it does with most people who stick to it. Even if I worked out 5 hours a day, I would not only fail to lose on 1500, but I would gain. Exercising has never made me lose weight. It simply makes me fit, and strong and gives me more energy. It sort of helps me keep lost weight off, but only if I continue to diet. I’d have to cut down to about 1000 a day to lose weight. But still, I’m sick of being hungry so much of the time, then caving into the hunger every few days or so. 1500 calories a day would be a wonderful luxury to me and I could really use a break, so he’s on even though sadly, I know I’ll be up about 10 pounds by the end of the 6 weeks.

I wonder why it says I’ve used 0.55% on Opera, yet the bar that fills with green as you use more space says I’m at 1%.

We decided it would be easier to get a new scanner to digitize the pictures in our old photo albums that haven’t yet been digitized. It’d be too much of a pain to shoot pictures of them, and our old scanner is so old that it’s not compatible with any of our current equipment.

SATURDAY, JUNE 2, 2012
When I got up this morning I was 95% sure, for a variety of reasons, we’d never own a house again. But today’s online research dropped those percentages big time. Still not sure that’s really what we’ll want in the end, but clearly it’s not as impossible as I thought it would be.

When most people think of trailers they think of little tin shitboxes like what we’re living in right now. But as the 90s rolled around they started building these things like real houses. I assure you that our 42K-pound 1999 Palm Harbor back in Maricopa was all house and nothing but. They’re real houses just like any other house, only they weren’t built on-site.

We were looking at various rentals online and as I may’ve mentioned before there’s this totally ideal retirement community in the middle of nowhere that’s super cheap. But it’s out of the question right now because it’d be too long of a drive for Tom to and from work. But you can rent a 3-bed, 2-bath for just $700, plus they have so many amenities – pools, craft rooms, walking trails, tennis courts and more. If we decide to stay in the area when he retires it would be definitely worth considering.

For now, we looked at various rentals in different 55+ areas. Every now and then trailers for sale would pop up. I was stunned when this utterly gorgeous, modern 2-bed, 2-bath, 1500-square-foot trailer popped up that only required 7K for a down payment. We could have that by the end of the year! Using a mortgage calculator, Tom factored in what our payments would be with a 10-year mortgage. Well, including the cost of insurance and property tax, it’d be comparable to this place or less! Still don’t like the idea of the time and expense of fixing things being on us, but the thought of being our own boss again and being payment-free in a decade other than the few hundred the lot it’s on would cost really appeals to me. But not without testing the waters first. First I want us to get a taste of adult community living and test-drive the car before we buy it. I will be so, so disappointed if they leave their dogs outside to bark when they’re not at home! They may not be allowed to let them live out there round the clock, but if they leave them out even just a few hours during the daytime, that alone could get old pretty fast.

I like to have a Plan B in mind in case Plan A fails. Well, we may have a few Plan Bs depending on what happens. This is the most unlikely case but if for some reason we can’t get into an adult community, though we are of age and I don’t think our credit is that bad, Plan B would then be to stay out in the country but look for a bigger, newer place that’s not on a shared lot. Under no circumstances whatsoever do I want to live with our landlord again, even though I’ll be the first to admit Jesse’s not as big of a pest as he could be and some other landlords might be. We looked at a place on a 5-acre parcel for $1200 a month, which is the upper end of our range.

So, if we either can’t get into an adult community for some reason, or we do and don’t like it, back to the country we’ll go.

But if we do get in and we do like it, then Plan B just may be staying there for a year or two and then possibly buying our own place.

“We could buy a regular house,” Tom pointed out, letting me know it wasn’t as impossible as I thought. But I don’t want to live in the mainstream (even though the houses are usually more affordable there) and where everything goes – dogs, kids, car stereos, etc. The regular on-site houses in adult communities tend to be more expensive than mainstream houses, though they’re cheaper to rent.

The only thing I might not like is that these trailers are facing long side to long side, which would bring us even closer to our neighbors. Well, we’re gonna be close enough to them in places that aren’t trailer parks, and I don’t know if I’d want to go any closer to the point that I may feel claustrophobic and like we have no privacy at all. I don’t think they even have yards. I definitely wouldn’t like any visiting kids running alongside the place just outside our windows screaming their asses off either with the way parents don’t discipline their kids these days. In a place that has on-site houses, you should at least have a few more feet and some kind of privacy wall. Although… there’d be no place to leave your dogs in a trailer park for hours and hours, so we’ll just have to see. First things first and that’s getting into a rental in one of these places and seeing what their dogs and company are like.

Anyway, we’re packing up more stuff. It’s not always so easy when you have no space to work in. I’m going to love having so many little luxuries back in my life that I had to do without for so long! Just having adequate space around the bed and not having to move a zillion things to get to one thing is going to be heaven. I miss the days of not having to move my heavy desk chair just to get in the fucking closet.

While it’s been wonderful being so happy and having so much to be excited about and to look forward to, I will never ever forgive or forget God above for allowing us to suffer in so many ways for so damn long. I will never forget the years we were crammed in this old dive struggling as if we were a pair of lazy bums who didn’t give a shit or drunks or druggies. The fear, the stress, the sense of hopelessness… I will never forget a single moment of it. It’s hard to believe that the same people who had one foot in the grave now have a great job, a big savings, and medical insurance, and soon they’ll get to live in a place where they don’t practically have to climb over each other! I owe all the credit to us being too stubborn to place that other foot in the grave, and oh, how easy it would’ve been to do! The will to fight to live was fast draining from me. But as I’ve learned, more often than not the only ones that can save our asses are us and us alone.

Tom spent most of the day working in the shed. I can already see the back wall of the thing. That $600 7x7 shed we got with the 9K we won is really nice and it’s a little unfortunate we’ll be leaving it behind, but there simply won’t be any place or any need for it where we’re going since we’re almost certainly going to have a garage. It served its purpose for the last 4 years, though. I’m sure whoever’s in here next will appreciate the extra storage space while they sit and listen to the dogs and loud vehicles unless the Jes pest decides to haul it up the hill for his own use.

Tom’s been shredding all kinds of documents and other papers we no longer need and destroying old floppies. After 32 years of computing, he sure has tons of them! I used to use some too, for backing up journals. Soon he’ll be making a dump run for these things and more.

We’re also going to take pictures of old photos so we don’t have to lug these big bulky photo albums with us. Our camera should do a better job than our old scanner. It was kinda neat looking at various pictures and remembering many things I’d forgotten about. Little things like the tacky way I used to decorate and stuff like that. I have several pictures of Andy. I’m in one of the pics, and I have several others of myself that I’ll share online once they’re on the computer.

It’ll be warmer where we’re going, averaging about 5° warmer than whatever it is up here since the area we’re looking at is right at sea level while this place is 1000’ in elevation.

We have another cool spell coming in on Monday that’ll drop the temp about 20°. I’ll definitely need to run the portable in the bedroom at night. It may even rain a bit, too.

Eileen is saddened over the loss of her SIL from cancer and so I helped cheer her up in the emails we exchanged. She laughed when I told her she was a nice break from some of the assholes I deal with online that make me want to misbehave a lot worse than I did at age 11 when I last saw her. Only problem is that it’s harder to get away with things now, LOL. At 11 I could wait for the teacher to turn her head, bonk my fellow classmate upside the head and cry, “I didn’t do it!” But even though the teacher knew I was full of shit, she couldn’t literally prove it. These days, however, all our online activities are traceable. In other words, I’m forced to behave:( Anyway, Miss Behaved (misbehaved) is excited about moving this summer!

FRIDAY, JUNE 1, 2012
I suspect Nane has returned from vacation. I haven’t heard from her for two weeks, which was how long she said she’d be gone. If those weeks turn into months I’m going to go right back to suspecting she really was toying with me last year and wasn’t just busy, and I’m going to seriously rethink our friendship, too.

This is certainly an entry I’ll be making private and sharing with just my utmost of closest friends. Just like Andy owed me an apology, I owe Tom one. And just like Tom found my sleep disorder online by accident up in Oregon, I think I might’ve found the reason he’s had a low drive and trouble cumming ever since we met when he was 35. Most of us tend to experience a lower drive with age, but I always found Tom to be a bit “different” and IDK, just unusual.

I admit I went through a why me? period and at the same time I wondered what it was I did to deserve such a great guy, I also wondered what it was I did to deserve one that was sexually defunct. As I would think would go through most people’s minds, I pondered many possibilities – I wasn’t good enough in bed, he feared impregnating me but also feared telling me for some strange reason, or maybe I just wasn’t attractive enough. Hey, my appearance had been bashed by women so damn often that maybe it was just time for me to be unattractive in the eyes of men as well for all I knew.

So what did I do? I blamed him. I accused him of deliberately holding back cuz he really didn’t want a kid and insisted he seemed too “content” to be the way he was, figuring he’d go to a doctor if he wasn’t really happy and didn’t really want to be the way he was. The sex was so infrequent some of the time that I sometimes considered seeking out an affair with a woman on the side because I was still in my sexual prime. But I knew that all I could get was a hideously ugly butch and only if I was lucky. Women simply weren’t attracted to me.

Instead, I continued to wonder why Tom didn’t just come out and broach the subject of BC or one of us getting fixed if he was that adamantly against a kid. Yet he insisted he was always the kind that could take them or leave them. He was ok with not having kids and he was also ok with having kids. Of course it also depends on who you believe as far as conceiving by pre-cum goes. Some say it’s extremely unlikely contrary to popular belief and that you need a full dose because there are millions of fishies for a reason; because few aren’t likely to hit a home run. Others say pre-cum lowers your chances of conception but doesn’t stop it. Don’t ask me what I believe cuz I’m not sure.

I also continued to wonder why he wouldn’t see a doctor if it was truly something he couldn’t control. Where I would’ve thought most guys would complain and want to see what could be done about it, he seemed very accepting of it and totally willing to live with it. I just didn’t get it. I’d never heard of a guy who could get hard but not cum. It was a therapist I had to see on account of the freeloaders’ abuse in 2000 who first showed me literature on the subject of non-cumming males, something that was always thought to be a woman’s problem only.

Eventually, I had an early-on miscarriage and my desire to have a kid faded the more I came to value peace and freedom yet nothing changed. So I could no longer assume he was afraid to knock me up since I no longer wanted knocking up, though it wasn’t until we’d been married two years before he came for the first time with me. It would be a rare occasion from there on out.

Andy recently said that guys like him might have low testosterone levels. So I looked up the symptoms and some of them fit. Not all, but some of them. His lack of a deep voice, his low drive, and his being sexually defective.

Finally, it hit me that I not only should’ve accepted him as he was and just let him be who he was. After all, I do bitch about people trying to change and control me instead of just letting people be happy and content to be the way they are, but having my type of sleep disorder has gotten me to see why he was afraid to go to a doctor. Because he no doubt never heard of anyone else like him and so he probably didn’t think they’d get it. I know I wouldn’t have dared mention my sleep thing to a doctor before 5 years ago for the very same reasons. As far as I was concerned, no one else on earth had this problem and any doctor would’ve just laughed at me and called me crazy, lazy or with nothing more than just a “bad habit.”

Well, I don’t care if he never does anything about it. We’re not 25, we’re not trying to start a family (whether a full dose is necessary or not), and if anything it keeps the sheets cleaner and dryer. Like most older and long-term couples it’s not like sex is a top priority for us anyway. I’m sorry I ever doubted him, though. I feel bad about that. Especially since he never doubted me. He just wanted to be himself and for my own selfish reasons, I didn’t want to let him so easily.

Later…

Not sure if I mentioned this the last time I wrote about my newest troll, but Kim anonymously left some childish comments on Ask in her defense begging me to take down the post I wrote about the shit she pulled on me, and once again I’m behind the Ted Wass thing, LOL, even though I didn’t even know who the hell he was and had to look him up to see what shows he was in.

In one of her millions of whiny text messages to Aly which she started deleting since they all said the same thing, she “sort of” fessed up to the Ted thing and “promises” to stop harassing me. Well, I doubt it will last very long since she’s proven to have an awful lot of Molly in her, but I went and adjusted my settings so I could allow for anonymous comments again. I hate to let sickos like Molly and Kim spoil it for those with good intentions and for me as well. I love seeing what anonymous comments I may get without having to sift through a bunch of crap.

I had decided I wasn’t going to bother blogging about her privately, not understanding why she’d care in the first place since no one other than Aly and Molly should know who “Kim” is. But then I realized she may’ve been badgering me about the blog because just like with Molly, negative attention was exactly what she wanted. After all, I specifically told her that if she left me alone there’d be no reason to write about her anymore. But then there she went with her BS on Ask. It was so, so obviously her, even though she tried to claim she was someone named Jenni. It wasn’t just the writing style and the things she said, but also that she has no friend named Jenni and no one would stick up for her like that in the first place. Aly agreed they were from Kim before Kim admitted it if only in a half-assed and indirect way when Aly asked her not to bother me anymore.

Really, though, if you’re going to be a liar try to do it at least somewhat well. Say you’ve been to countries you’ve never been to or had jobs you never really had. Even saying you’ve met celebrities you’ve never met can be pulled off and believable enough. But to try to pass yourself off as a celebrity with a protected account and the same writing style as your own that’s connected to your real accounts is really doing a bad job of lying. Even Molly wasn’t that bad a liar when she tried to tell me that one day she could view an old blog of mine when it was obvious that Sarah, her techie friend, told her how to beat its block. Molly may’ve been pretty fucked up herself, but she usually only went so far as to deny any accusations made against her. She didn’t accuse others of the most absurd things and make up outrageous stories. Kim accusing others of being behind the Ted account would be like Molly accusing others of being the ones who really wrote in her blog that she thought of ways to kill her parents in their sleep.

I’ve decided to give Kim one chance and ONE chance only to prove she can keep her word about not harassing me on Ask. If she can do that I will keep this entry private. If she can’t, this and any future mention of her will be anything but private. If she can’t respect or care about me, I can’t respect or care about her. I treat others as they treat me. For the most part, I do, anyway. I mean I can’t exactly kill you if you kill me.

She peeked in on my Thoughts blog last night and this morning and she’s probably had a look-see on MO as well. I don’t understand why. What she did to me clearly shows she’s had a deep hatred for me all along that not even I was aware of as strange and as annoyingly repetitious as she could be with her overtweeting (I haven’t been on Twitter in nearly a month now), constant messages, and the way she’d say the same damn things over and over again in her own blog. But the point is, why would she care about what I have to say if she hates me that much that she would be all sweet and kind to my face while harassing me anonymously? Doing this a few times as a joke, like Aly did, and then coming out and identifying yourself is another. But that’s not what Kim did.

Strange is one thing while crazy is another. IMO they’re the hardest to forgive because they’re the hardest to reason with. I honestly don’t think Kim gets it any more than Molly does. We’ve had to ask or tell her the simplest things over and over again, yet just like with Molly, it was as if we never did. I’m still not sure how much awareness Kim has where her actions are concerned but I’d still guess it was enough to know what she was doing. I doubt she’ll ever own up to much of it, though. I can forgive a sane being like Nane because they can learn from their mistakes. Kim and Molly can’t. They go through life making the same damn mistakes over and over again. There’s just no reasoning with these kinds of people. All I can hope for from here on out, now that I’ve been twice trolled, is that Kim lets go of me and moves on. I’d hate to have two trolls stalking me on and off throughout the years. The thing is that like Molly, she has no other friends. We’d know about it if she did or at least Aly would. People like Kim are devoid of friends for a reason, and now that reason has become more than obvious to me. I thought it was just because she was a little weird and weird alone is enough to put most people off, besides the fact that people don’t usually like those who are jobless and low-income, but now I know that Kim is more than just a little weird.

I feel Aly’s making a mistake in not cutting ties with her, but it’s her mistake to make. She does admit that she knows it would probably be the smartest thing to do and that she’ll probably wish she did right along with me, but for now, there are too many fond memories to let go of, she says, and she feels bad for her.

Call me compassionless or whatever but I don’t feel the least bit bad for her. She chose to do what she did. Then she chose to deny it and harass me for it when I had something to say about it in my blog.

Now that I’ve been double-trolled, though I’ve met a lot of rude people online, I gotta wonder who’s going to go crazy on me next. It’s unfortunate, but I’m searching for signs in my mind within the people I’m in touch with regularly enough. Who else is a little off that just might turn on me? That I thought was my friend. And why am I such a magnet for these crazies? So far it seems to be those that Aly knows. Well, like I said, I hope Kim doesn’t give Aly a reason to feel bad for our meeting through her. She already feels bad enough that Molly latched onto me because I was her friend. I try not to take it personally since the more sociable you are the more likely you are to get trolled, but it’s hard not to at times and to wonder just what the hell it is I did to deserve this shit.

I would still be willing to bet that within a week I’ll be harassed again by Kim on Ask (yes, I can tell the difference between her and Molly), and she’ll deny it and say she “wouldn’t do that nasty shit.”

---

Last updated August 13, 2024