May 2012 in 2010s

THURSDAY, MAY 31, 2012
I have a lot to update on this last day of May. It’s amazing how one who doesn’t work outside of the house can have so much to say, but while my non-cyber life may not be overly sociable, I sure do have a very active online life, LOL.

If I had any lingering doubts over Kim’s sanity and involvement in some of the shit she’s been pulling on Aly and I, they’re gone now. Like Andy said it hit him like a bell in the night that I wasn’t joking about my sleep disorder, reality hit me like a bell in the daytime where Kim’s concerned. And yes, I do intend to make this entry public. Just like she’s bashing me in public – and I certainly don’t mind – I’ll be sharing what happened since journals are for writing about our lives, our experiences, and the people that affect our lives, directly, indirectly, and in both big and small ways. But as always, there will be no last names.

To sum it up in a nutshell, the woman is downright crazy. Just totally insane and as mad as Molly only with a slightly different twist. She’s mean like Molly. She lies like Molly. She’s delusional like Molly. But if MPD truly exists, I think Molly is just – well – Molly. Kim, on the other hand, seems to be many people rolled into one. I first thought she had been living in a fantasy world for so damn long, impersonating this one and impersonating that one, and telling so many lies for so long that she could no longer distinguish fact from fiction. But now I’m wondering if she has some sort of alter that “makes” or “possesses” her to do some of the things she’s done. IDK, maybe she’s not fully aware of her behavior and that’s why she’s denied things when confronted that are so blatantly obvious. Kim, herself once mentioned having alters, but that could be just an excuse she used to hide behind. But that’s not the point. The point is that she’s lied to me, she’s lied to others, and now she’s turned as vicious as a pit pull on a rampage. That was enough for me to turn her loose, though she beat me to it on Facebook. I deleted her on other sites and am ignoring the nasty “questions” she’s hitting me with on Ask that are so obviously from her based on the context of what she’s saying, her writing, and the fact that I had just confronted her there. She responded with answers full of lies and nastiness before she deleted them and she’s deactivated the account twice ever since. As someone else said, she reacts by deleting accounts and starting anew when confronted with one of her scams and schemes.

I always knew Kim was a little “off” by the way she’d write, the things she would say, and her obsession with celebrities that she often takes a little too far. Liking a celebrity is one thing and so is setting up a site on their behalf, but actually being them and claiming to be them even when someone would ask if she was really Bill Daily, Barbara Eden or Ted Wass, was another thing. Role-playing and pretending aren’t for everyone, but it’s fine for those who admit up front that they’re just playing a game.

But my friend and I clearly watched her deny her true identity on Twitter even though we knew damn well it was her. Not just by the things she’d say and her writing style but because she had all her other celebrity accounts, as well as one of her own where she’s actually herself for once, connected. She also had the Ted Wass account protected and would block those she knew who requested to get in. What celebrity would have a protected account? So I created a bogus account and asked to be added. I was added within a half hour and I “called her out” on who she really was. She reacted as she usually does which means she denied it and immediately canceled the accounts. In no time at all, though, she’d created new ones and picked up her game from there, mostly during times she was supposedly at work as a “helper.” Yeah, that’s another thing right there. We wonder if she really does have a job. Oh, I’m sure she helps her mother and things like that whom she has always lived with. But two of her three siblings are on disability and in group homes, including her. In light of all that’s transpired recently, I’d say it’s pretty safe to say she’s probably getting the same kind of disability Molly’s getting and will probably never have a real job that she obtains on her own or a place of her own. It is possible, though, that she has some low-paying part-time job provided by the state for people like her with disabilities. Sort of like what Fran had.

Instead of owning up to the Ted thing and admitting that she was just having fun, she’s blamed various people ever since. First it was Molly and Sarah, then someone who works for Ted, and after I confronted her on Ask this morning it was me who was the Ted Wass impersonator. Brilliant, huh? LOL Then she said that was “not what she meant” in another round of questions to me, after deleting that lovely accusation from her own wall.

Others suspected she was anonymously asking mean and sometimes dirty questions on Ask figuring we’d suspect Molly or just some random joker. Maybe some of them were, but we noticed that we were getting these questions at the same time she was asking/answering questions of her own. It wasn’t just the questions, but the type of questions and the way they were written. Kim’s got the intelligence of a small child and simply isn’t smart enough to change her style to throw people off her scent.

Anyway, the wake-up call where she’s concerned came with this morning’s round of questions and the way she reacted and deactivated. Why would she do this to me? I have always been very kind to Kim. But it was enough for me to know I don’t want to bother with her anymore. If you can’t trust someone, what’s the point? I just hope she won’t become a second Molly and that I won’t have to deal with both of them harassing me on and off. We were even wondering if she was impersonating Molly of all people. Nothing would surprise me where Kim is concerned now that she’s exposed her true colors to me. The Kim I thought I knew no longer exists. It’s truly eerie watching Kim as I’ve always known her to be suddenly become this whole different person. It’d be like Tom suddenly dressing in leather jackets with snakeskin boots, riding motorcycles and smoking cigars while swearing like a truck driver and blasting metal music!

It isn’t just the blatant lies and the games she plays but the selfishness and lack of empathy as well. She’s just not very supportive. When friends reach out to her for support during tough times, she wants to discuss the weather. This makes people think she’s in her own little world and she just doesn’t care about others.

I went to delete her on Facebook but she beat me to it. I shut her out on other sites, though. She’s texting Aly about it right now. She always goes crying on her shoulder when she has problems online. She’s coming clean about the Ted thing but I’m afraid the damage has already been done and that it’s too late. The trust has been destroyed and there’s nothing to say she won’t do the same thing again or be right back to insisting Ted was really me or someone working for him come tomorrow. Then there are the “questions” I’ve been getting as well. A few as a joke is fine, but every day?

Did something happen in her life to make her this way? Was she just born this way? I don’t know and I don’t care at this point. There are better people to focus my energies on that are a lot more honest and a lot more with it. I don’t hate Kim or wish her any harm, but I hope that if she reads this she’ll respect my wishes and just get on with her life without being a pest.

Later…

Andy sent me a very nice and very appreciated apology this morning in an email saying it hit him like a bell in the night that I really do have the sleep disorder I have. He said that after he read about it recently (though I thought I had mailed him a link about it months ago), he said he realized he’s sort of suffered the same thing all his life. He apologized for tormenting me about it both in public and in private and can see where I’d hate having a fucked up schedule and couldn’t just work outside of the house. (I’d drop dead of exhaustion in less than a month, that’s for sure). He admitted he thought I was just being lazy and didn’t want to work, but is very sorry for not believing me. Oh, believe me, if I didn’t want to do something, I’d just say so. Or say nothing at all if I didn’t want to come clean about whatever. Hell, I don’t want to diet! But it’s either struggle with the hunger dieting brings or gain 5-10 pounds a month for life.

I told him not to hesitate to mention it to his doctor and maybe get his own melatonin levels tested if he notices himself having a harder time keeping a schedule.

Even I didn’t understand this thing at first and I assumed I’d just gotten into a “bad habit” and that if I just made myself get into bed at a certain time and set the alarm for a certain time it would become like second nature like with most everyone else in the world. But as I would learn the hard way it was much easier said than done. But you bet I’d be “normal” if I could. I’d go to bed at 11pm every night and get up around 7am.

This particular disorder wasn’t recognized till 1999, but they cut off my benefits in 1994 when I got married. Still don’t think I can get my benefits reinstated, but I’m going to try. It wasn’t till our last year in Oregon that we learned more about it. Tom came into the room and told me he found my sleep disorder. We didn’t even know it had a name. He was looking up something else when he accidentally came across it. It was supposedly discovered in blind people. http://www.sleepassociation.org/index.php?p=non24hour

I see it as not only a definite curse from God but the biggest. My mother’s abuse eventually ended. We finally escaped the freeloaders that tormented us in Arizona. We eventually climbed out of poverty. But I will never escape this one until and if they can come up with a cure for it. For now, all we can do is delay the “roll” with melatonin supplements say if I’ve got appointments coming up. But that’s about the best we can do for those of us in the more advanced stages of this sort of thing. Why God would sic this on me is beyond me. My only guess is to help keep us poor so much of the time for with this thing I cannot double our income, something I would do in a heartbeat if I could, even though I’m sure I would both like and not like an outside job. Hey, everything’s got its pros and cons.

Anyway, I have what I have and it’s all the more reason I’m determined to be a good housewife and take real good care of the cleaning, laundry and earn what I can online and things like that; because I’m limited as to what I can do and Tom is the one that has to support us both. I am VERY lucky to have a guy like him. All the beautiful women in the world could never get me to leave this guy. I could see myself hanky pankying with a woman on the side, but I couldn’t imagine leaving Tom no matter what they promised me, and no matter how rich or beautiful they may be. Tom has NEVER complained. He has always accepted me as I was/am, strengths and weaknesses and all.

Later…

Can’t get online right now as I write this up in Word. I can’t wait to get out of here and back with a cable connection! Meanwhile, if there’s service later on, I’ll post this at that time. We’ve been wondering if the signal from our homemade thermostat has been interfering with our connection because it’s only happening during the hours the cooler’s running.

The last few days have been warm and quiet. I expected barking in the morning and engines gunning in the afternoon, but it was dead quiet the last two days. Today, though, I did get a few barks and he’s already been in and out twice on the motorcycle.

I was just sitting here thinking about how good things have been for us these last 8 months and you know what the sucky side of it all is? Knowing it could all fall apart on us anytime. If there really is something up there, it’s proven beyond a doubt that it loves to tear us down. Too many bad things have happened to me to call it just a case of “bad luck.” The pattern is clear. If there is a good God it could see to it that Tom keeps this job till he retires and helps us help ourselves by sparing us financial disaster provided that we’re smart with our money from here on out. But we can only do our part. We can’t make anyone or anything else do its part. I still don’t think there’s anything good up there for the most part. Instead of seeing to it that we don’t suffer in ways that we have in the past, our not-so-good God is probably going to see to it that some spiteful person with more authority than he has enters the picture at some point and gets him fired, or the economy goes bad again and he gets laid off. I just hope we have a ton of money saved by the time this happens!

Aly says that while she agrees that Kim’s done some pretty mean and crazy shit online and may have MPD, she’s going to hang onto her for now cuz she has no one else to talk to. Wow, she’s got more compassion than I do. Until she gets as fed up as she did with Molly and no longer cares. Maybe then Kim will realize that had she not done the things she’s done just maybe she wouldn’t have lost her friends.

Again, I’m really surprised and disappointed in Kim. I’ve never done anything to her, and we’ve never gotten into an argument of any kind, so I totally don’t get why she would turn on me. Then again, the crazy have no sense of logic, do they? There’s nothing logical behind their actions at all, so trying to make sense of why she’d be so mean to someone who’s always been kind to her would be a waste of time.

Tammy still denies ever calling the cops on me 12 years ago and I still don’t believe her. She may not have been the one to make the call, but she gave her ex enough info to give to those cops. He couldn’t have said, “Her name is Jodi and she lives somewhere in Arizona.” Either he gave the cops my full name and the Phoenix address or he started calling people in the area with my last name till he reached his family and they were dumb enough to give him our PO box address. I’ve run the possibilities through my mind a million times and those are the only two things that could’ve happened.

Oh, and her response to why she would defend scum like him was that she did what she thought was best for Sarah and Rebecca at the time, the two kids he fathered. Ok, so I know I’m not supposed to judge others and all that, but you mean keeping a guy around that abuses you and your oldest kid is what’s “best” for your youngest two kids???

When I asked about the “I did it once, I can do it again” thing she hit me with on the old diary site as far as getting me thrown in jail, she said that she said it out of anger because she was “hurt” that I would turn on her. And of course “turning on her” means voicing my suspicions that were much more than just suspicions. Tammy has been known to be attracted to and to defend abusive men ever since she first started dating.

WEDNESDAY, MAY 30, 2012
I’m at a loss as to what to do about my sister, the one I sometimes refer to as the DQ – drama queen. She says she not only didn’t delete me (LOL) but she still swears she didn’t call the pigs on me back in 2000 regarding her abusive ex and his serious anger issues. sighs Ok, I acknowledge that Facebook can be glitchy and that the cock could’ve sent the pigs to our old house in Phoenix right after we moved, gotten our PO box from the new owners, and traced it to our physical address. But how did the cock know where to send them in Phoenix??? He and the DQ were long since separated by then. What would he have in his possession wherever he moved to that would’ve had our address on it??? Someone pointed him in the right direction.

And why the letter to Tom threatening me with legal action for threatening this guy who was supposed to have abused her and Lisa??? Who the hell reacts that way and defends scum like that that’s in their right mind??? I wasn’t the perp, Bill was! The only thing I did that I shouldn’t have was threaten to go kick the guy’s ass for his abuse, but as the cop said before he dismissed the hysterical bitch altogether, he’d have been just as pissed.

What they did both directly and indirectly while I was in Arizona was so huge that it’s overridden the good memories I have of when I was there, and anytime I just think of the place I practically want to throw up. Like watching a rape scene isn’t a thrilling reminder for a rape victim, anytime I think Arizona, I think them…the welfare bums, the corrupt pig pal, the fucked up system.

I once felt sorry for my nieces for they are surely the way they are because of guess who. But when two of them became rude, threatening and downright crazy to me online it had a way of putting a damper on that pity because by then they were grown adults who should’ve known right from wrong. Since then I have avoided them and I don’t regret it. Like Molly would try to get me involved in her disputes and problems with others and try to get me to do this and to do that, that’s how the DQ’s brood is, too. Before you know it you’re drowning in a whirlpool of drama that makes your head spin in a way that will drive you just as crazy as this defunct bunch of assholes do. The stress they have put on me and gladly would again, given the chance, would be insane. Therefore I have wished them well through Tammy but kept a safe distance. As I’ve said before, sometimes you gotta pull back and look at people as people and not just sisters, nieces or whatever. Being related doesn’t make one God and it’s no ticket to abuse anyone be it physically, mentally or verbally.

Once again, pigs are only human. They need something to go on since they don’t exactly have crystal balls they can look to for answers and someone had to point them in the right direction. sighs again I don’t know what to believe as far as who called who, but as Tammy herself said, the past can never be changed or undone.

She also threw me into a real state of confusion a few summers ago when we were fighting online and she was sending nasty messages to the diary site. When she was pissed at me for bashing her in my journal and threatening to get me in jail for it, even though I hadn’t technically broken any slander laws since her last name was never mentioned and nothing I said caused her to suffer any financial loss, she had said, “I did it once, I can do it again.”

Was this a confession of sorts? Did she “slip?” Or did she just say this in the heat of the moment when she was pissed? I asked her this directly in a PM, but sometimes I still wonder if we’re better off ignoring each other. We all say mean or crazy shit when we’re pissed, but we’re just too damn different.

I don’t know what to do. I just don’t. As I admitted before, I was just playing nicey-nicey for Mom’s sake and in case there are even a few grand that may be left to us. If I don’t keep in touch, how is any lawyer in charge of executing any will going to know how to contact me when mom dies?

Chances are nothing will be left to us be it because Tammy either found a way to keep it all for herself or mom ran out of money. Therefore, I’m not going to worry about hanging onto Tammy if we just can’t see eye to eye. Some things just aren’t worth the effort, and sometimes one has to live for themselves and do what’s best for them. Not their friends or family. And no, I don’t care if this starts the same kind of controversy me being dumb enough to mention sleep disorders brought on. So yeah, anymore shit from Tammy and I’m gone.

Her story changed too, as far as mom’s money goes. This time she kept it simple. She said she and her husband have all they need unless it’s in mom’s wishes for her to get whatever. “It’s her decision. It’s her money.”

So we’ve gone from “Give Jodi what you want” to “It’s mom’s decision?” And why has she ignored me till yesterday? I asked for an update on Mom’s condition and life in general. I haven’t heard a thing. Again, is she being secretive for some reason? Either way, I’m surprised she hasn’t been to my blog that I know of.

For once Molly’s done us some good by being our fall guy for when Aly and I “confront” Kim anonymously on Ask. She automatically thinks it’s Molly.

Later…

I will try to post this on MO, if not on Thoughts. I am sooo sick of the regular tech issues! MO has been worse than Thoughts lately. It’s not just sluggish so much of the time but I can’t even access the damn site! Why can’t sites just RUN??? Just fucking FUNCTION!!! Really, what is the big deal??? Why is it so damn hard for people to keep their sites running smoothly? This should be a very simple and straightforward thing. Computers are very simple. Everything is either 0 or 1, on or off. There’s nothing complex about them. So then what’s the fucking problem???

Evil Amongst the Evergreens sold another copy in the U.S. I don’t get why this book sells more than A Rainbow in Munich when A Rainbow in Munich not only has a nicer cover, but the story’s better, too. shrugs I guess that’s a matter of opinion.

We had another frog in here the other day but it was easy to catch and take outside. I guess they’re having a problem this year due to the lack of rain we had over the winter.

I’ve wanted to see the movie 2012 for some time now and finally saw it on one of those free sites that run movies and TV shows. It wasn’t that great at all. Some of the special effects were ok although a bit phony, but overall it was slow and dull. I’m not big on sci-fi or action movies to begin with. But I seem to be getting big on TV, something I haven’t been into much since the 90s. I don’t care for most reality shows unless they deal with forensics, crime or science since to me TV isn’t “reality” and it never should be. Not as much as it is these days anyway. But I’ve been watching shows like Manhunters: Fugitive Task Force and Law & Order. Tom says Bones is a really good series, so maybe I’ll check that out sometime, too.

Later…

Sometimes I hate my body. But not just for its appearance so much as for what I can’t get it to do. Why can’t I will my body to do what I want it to do?! It seems so many people can will their bodies to do this or to do that, but mine is nothing but a stubborn, unrelenting wimp.

I was hungry from the moment I got up. I knew it was going to be one of those hungry days. Sure enough, I kept eating but I always felt the same – like there was nothing sitting in my tummy. It took hundreds of calories to finally fill me up. I willed myself to puke it up, but no matter how hard I try I simply cannot bring it back up. :( If you stick your finger down your throat you’re supposed to puke, right? Aber warum nicht Ich Kotzen?! Why can’t I puke? All I do is gag instead. It’s like something up there won’t let me do it. It’s not like I want to make a regular habit of it. I’m not stupid. I know stomach acid isn’t good for the throat. I only want to do it on days I have a harder time controlling myself. But try as I will, I just can’t bring the damn shit I eat back up! beats head

Why can’t I just learn to live with the hunger so I could stand to have the 1000-1200 calories a day it would take for me to get more weight off??? I can do it some days but not every day. I swear I have no control whatsoever over my own body! I can’t get it to sleep when I want it to. I can’t get it to puke up those extra calories. I can’t get it to deal with hunger. Hunger is just a feeling. It doesn’t hurt. It can’t make me unhealthy. It’s just a lousy feeling! So why can’t I just accept it as being a part of weight loss and just deal with it???

TUESDAY, MAY 29, 2012
MO is now as sluggish as Thoughts was. Why can’t sites just WORK? Just fucking FUNCTION!

For the longest time, I toyed with the idea of deleting my sister and ceasing all communications with her but will admit that I had kept in contact for my mom’s sake. But still… I was torn between doing for me and doing for a woman who was never the greatest mom to begin with. Well, tonight she helped me make up my mind.

One of the things Tammy has always loved to tell people she’s pissed at is that they will never change. She’s right. When it comes to exercising caution with those who have caused me a helluva lot more grief than split wine on our carpet could ever cause, she’s damn right I haven’t changed. But it’s not just that I worry about this person who has had no qualms whatsoever in admitting she’s no saint when pissed and how vindictive she can be, it’s that I just didn’t “feel right” about being in touch with her. Sometimes what once was can never be again, and since around 1999 or so we simply haven’t been “sisters.” Instead, we’re two totally different people with two totally different lives, interests, goals and dreams living on opposite sides of the country.

When I expressed my concerns to Tom, who also worried about getting too close to the drama queen, but was at least ok with keeping a “friendly” distance, he pointed out that with Mom aging and becoming less dependent, it’s not like she could keep Tammy out of her business that easily.

The DQ says she doesn’t have our address, mom wrote out the envelope for the GC, she thought she was doing a nice thing, I’ll never change…goodbye.

Maybe she doesn’t yet have our address. But I can see where Tammy has every opportunity to snoop through Mom’s stuff these days, and if she doesn’t now, she will eventually. Hell, I’d be tempted to do the same thing. Not to see what info I could get to spite anyone with or anything like that but just out of sheer curiosity. You know what, though? At this point, I don’t care if she has our address. It’s only – well – an address and it’s not even our physical one. And I don’t care if she uses her brood to tell me what a horrible person I am. She’s the one that dumped me this time around but I can’t deny I feel a sense of relief. Now there’s no decision to make as far as that goes, though I’m the one who deleted her on Facebook. But the strange thing is that I was never mad at her or accusing her of anything. So why she got pissed at me simply expressing annoyance over mom sharing our address is beyond me. I don’t know if something else is going on or if she’s trying to hide something or what. Either way, it never made us any less appreciative of the GC. I told her this, too.

I also took the opportunity to tell her that while I admit I’m no lawyer and I’m not calling her a liar, what she said about the will makes no sense at all. Why would my parents be dumb enough to trust her to “give me what she wants?” Well, I don’t think they were/are. I think they would know that sometimes we’re not only not speaking to each other, but people are naturally selfish. She would keep everything for herself if it were up to her as that’s only human nature. Hell, I would do the same thing. Who the hell would share fairly with their friends or siblings if they were suddenly in possession of a 100K winning lottery ticket? Not me!

“She’s just trying to get you going,” Tom said. “A will is a legal document drawn up by a lawyer.”

He was right, I realized, and it doesn’t make sense for any lawyer to draw up a will saying: Cut oldest kid out and let middle child give youngest what it wants – WTF?

That’s another thing right there; Larry has supposedly been cut out of the will. But if that’s so then why would Tammy mention keeping him out through the courts, and why would mom and dad cut him out in the first place???

Sorry, but something smells fishy somewhere. If Tammy isn’t bullshitting me, then it sounds like someone may be bullshitting her. Another thing I don’t care about anymore, though. I get what I get and I don’t get what I don’t get. That’s up to my parents as it’s their money and not Tammy’s. I only mentioned it to point out that not much makes sense where she’s concerned. Not what she said the will says and not why she’s pissed at me now for simply being annoyed with Mom if she did indeed share the address.

Funny how I don’t hear a damn thing from her till she reads something that pisses her off be it because she either misunderstands me or I’ve come to be a shitty writer. She was probably ignoring me all this time, not wanting to let me in on what was going on. If that’s so, then that makes me all the more suspicious of what she may be trying to hide or screw me out of, but I’ve known for some time now that be it on account of Tammy or my mom going broke (with a little help from above) that we wouldn’t inherit much if anything at all. It would go against what’s in my cards. If we’re still meant to be poor most of our lives or at least not rich, then we can’t be “allowed” to get much, can we?

MONDAY, MAY 28, 2012
Yesterday was fun. Tom went to bed early so he would get up early. A little after 6:00 we set off the bombs after blowing out the heater’s pilot light. Hopefully, the next time it needs to be lit it won’t be by us. But it’s almost June and by Wednesday we’re expected to be in the 90s, so it was a good time to blow it out. And ensure us enough propane to finish out our time here. As soon as he turns 55 we’re good to go. Or at least to start seriously looking for a place. Right now we can get some ideas, but we couldn’t do much about it if we found something that looked ideal right now. No one’s gonna hold a place that long and lose that much money. So free to go or not come June 28th, we’ll probably be here till August.

Tom found a super cheap adult community where you can rent a 3-bed, 2-bath for just $700. The catch is that it’s not close to anything and would be a 65-mile drive to work.

Anyway, we ended up making 7 or 8 stops over the course of the next 3 hours, even though we only had to be out for 2. We first went to Mel’s Diner. He got a ham omelet and I got steak and eggs, which strangely enough cost about the same. The food was great, as always, but the loud mid-50s music sucked shit. Fortunately, this little kid didn’t get there till we were ready to leave. So it didn’t have time to double the audio annoyances.

We mailed my mom’s birthday card from the post office and grabbed a single sheet of forever stamps that will probably last us just that – forever. We pay all our bills online and we give Jesse the rent ourselves, so we rarely mail anything. We might have to mail our rent at the next place, though. I’m amazed at how thin the stamps are now!

We picked up our own mail at the UPS Store and I was both dismayed and delighted by something I got from my mom. Well, I noticed the writing on the envelope was a little different than usual, though my guess is that it was written out by mom though her handwriting has gotten sloppier with her age and grief. While we very much appreciate the $25 IHOP card, I thought it was a weird time to be receiving it since our anniversary isn’t till the 15th, I was worried and pissed to see that it was from Tammy. Not that I don’t appreciate the hell out of it. Hey, it’s a nice gift and we’ll be sure to enjoy every inch of it that ends up on our waistlines, but I never wanted her to have our address, physical or not. I told Mom – how many times? – to please not share our address. As Tammy herself has admitted with no qualms whatsoever, she’s no saint when pissed so I don’t like someone as vindictive as she is having the address.

But anyone who’s gotten me in jail once, even if they had no idea any more than we did that I had a warrant on me, and that cost me half a year of life, thousands of dollars and years of stress, will never again have my full forgiveness or trust. She claimed she had no idea of where we moved to when she got pissed at me for telling Bill just what I wished I could do to him for abusing her and Lisa if I weren’t so far away, and that Bill was the one that called the pigs, but she had to have given the cock enough info for the pigs to find me with to begin with. Pigs aren’t God. They need at least some info to go on when tracking someone down. They’re only human. They don’t have a crystal ball they can look into. I also suspect they called some of Tom’s relatives, but his “family” would never say so if they did.

The point is the same – I don’t trust this highly vindictive bitch. A lot of the people I’ve known forever or for a very long time – well – many aspects of their lives may’ve changed, but they haven’t.

I’m surprised I still haven’t heard from the damn drama queen and wonder if she ended up staying longer in Florida than planned. Mom said she’d be back on the 17th. Well, how busy can a person on disability with 3 grown kids possibly be?

Mom just doesn’t get it, and like most people who don’t get something, they don’t believe it. She just doesn’t get/believe how vindictive her own daughter can be, even to her own siblings, and just like the troll’s mother can’t accept that her own daughter can’t make friends because she’s a crazy stalker, my mother is too trusting of Tammy. So now this person who has helped get me in jail once and who will probably screw me out of whatever inheritance I might’ve gotten if my mother would’ve just opened her eyes and seen Tammy as Tammy and not just as her daughter, also has our address to use and abuse at will, even if it’s not our physical address. I don’t think even Tom gets the potential danger in her having our address, even if she can’t prove that I did anything wrong cuz I don’t intend to. I know the worst she could do is just cause us some headaches, but if we decided to use our physical address at the next place and not bother with UPS Stores, I’m not giving the address out to anyone but my mother. Not even my best friends. Sorry, but past experience has taught me that it’s better to be safe than sorry. I’ll give them the general area if they want to see the area by satellite, but that’s it. I wouldn’t even be giving it to my mother if I didn’t hold out the foolish hope that someday we could at least get a few grand after she dies.

I’m also going to be careful about what numbers I share as well. A few years ago someone got ahold of one of our cell numbers and we got slammed with prank calls. Of course they called from a blocked number while they were at it. Well, we had to pay a fortune in minutes to go through and keep deleting all the hang-up messages they’d leave us, thus costing us a ton of money during a time when we couldn’t afford to spare a single penny. The extremity of it makes me think it could’ve been someone who once knew us. Maybe we still do. IDK for sure, it could’ve been totally random for all I know. All I do know is that with today’s technology, one has to work even harder to protect themselves. There is a number of things that could be done with someone’s address; probably even things I don’t even realize. People can’t simply ignore those they have a problem with. Instead, they have to spite them in any way possible and do everything they can to get their attention. Again, people’s lives change, but do they? Ok, so a few people may change a lot over the years and I consider myself to be one of those few. Several people have pointed out how different I am from the younger me in personality and as far as hobbies and interests go. But most people don’t seem to change much at all. I still have some of the same interests I had years ago, but many of the people and events that I’ve known and experienced in my past would be handled and treated very differently had I known these people today and experienced the same things today, like that deaf girl Cecelia I recently mentioned in my journal. The cock that might’ve shoved me 25 years ago would get the beating of his life today. The person who pisses me off one too many times on or offline that might’ve gotten prank calls, prank letters and God knows what from me in the past would get ignored these days. Those who might’ve been able to bring me to tears by calling me fat, ugly, stupid or whatever in the past only get laughed at today. My temper and my crazy laugh haven’t changed much, but most things have, be it because of all I’ve gone through or just because. But when dealing with others I know I have to consider the fact that more than likely they’re the same people they were 20 years ago. Well, Tammy falls within these so-called norms.

Right now it’s PayPal we’re more worried about because if anything’s going to screw up our credit it’s them. No matter how many times we try to explain to them and to eBay that we were scammed, no one wants to help us. We sold a couple of dolls to someone for $75, and even though we specifically said No Refunds on our auctions, they’re trying to get the money back. More than likely it’s an inside job. Someone with a friend working for PayPal probably got them to reverse the payment, but fortunately we didn’t have any money in our account at the time so they couldn’t get the refund and therefore two free dolls. Once we were aware of what was going on and couldn’t get anyone to help us, we shut our PayPal account down. But what can we do now??? We’ve gone through all the proper channels to report the fraud, but no one cares. So now what??? Just accept that God still protects our perps and that we can never again use PayPal or eBay and be glad they didn’t get to rip us off?

Since we’re almost certainly never going to own again our credit isn’t that crucial, but this could hinder us from getting into an adult community. Rural is better than the mainstream city or attached living, but that would still leave us with people’s dogs to have to deal with if we can’t get into an adult community.

We dumped some cardboard off at a place that recycles it, and Tom ran into Home Depot to look for a better screen than the one he’s got, and heavy-duty magnets to keep the yellow jackets from coming down the cooler vent. He ended up getting some foam-like filter and had I gone in with him and not waited in the car I’d have reminded him about how the AC kept running continuously when we put those in our vents in Maricopa and stopped him from getting the stuff. It restricts the airflow too much.

I spent about $30 at Target getting unnecessary shit like Cherry Blossom body spray, a pair of boy shorts in lilac made of both spandex and lace, glitter bobby pins with hot pink feathers dangling from them, honey lip balm, and a couple of bottles of nail polish. One’s called Glass Slipper which sort of looks like crushed ice, and one’s called Iceberg Lotus in a frosty metallic type of finish you’d find on most cars that are in a bold shade of blue-green. I still have enough of my usual shades of pink, purple and red.

Anyway, I expect to be pretty busy today, so that’s it for now.

SUNDAY, MAY 27, 2012
Got over 200 views yesterday on MyOpera. It’s got to be the troll. Who else would view me that obsessively?

Not much to update on other than that I awoke at 8pm with my allergies going off like crazy. Had to take a Benadryl even though I knew it would knock me out and I didn’t want to go back to sleep. But I ended up napping from 10:30 - 12:30, so I’m definitely good to go for today’s plans. We plan to bomb the place and go out to eat and pick up our mail while we have to be out of here. We might even browse some shops, though I don’t know which ones.

People have been asking when I’m going to put out more stories. Well, more than likely I’m not. I really think I’m all dried up there. It’s sort of like with the instruments and the drawing. I did it for a while and then lost interest in it. I don’t see myself ever not keeping a journal, though. But you never do know. Maybe next week I’ll get an awesome story idea and I’ll just have to put it to print.

To my surprise, it did end up raining a bit yesterday. We don’t know how much or how long since we were both asleep, but the windows were wet when I got up.

FRIDAY, MAY 25, 2012
We’re having a cool spell now and have all the windows closed. We don’t even expect to need to run the cooler today, so maybe the yellow jackets will stay the hell out for the day. We’ve been finding them in the bathroom window a little too often for comfort, so it’s another reason to bomb. I had thought they were coming up from under the sink, but Tom thinks they go to the cooler for water and get blown down in here and through the vent when the cooler kicks on. It’s a downdraft unit. Tom might screen the vent.

Andy was nice enough to apologize for making what he said childish and uncalled-for cracks on his Ask page, and of course I still love him. He’s like family to me, and besides, we all say shit we shouldn’t say at times, even me.

The other morning I was expressing my frustrations to Tom – regardless of other people’s thoughts and opinions on the matter – about what a bitch it can be to live with this type of sleep disorder. I feel like so many possibilities and doors are closed to me because of it. God knows how many opportunities of God knows what kind may’ve been out there for me had I not had this damn thing. You would think other shit I went through as a kid, health-wise and financially would have been enough. I’ve been pretty healthy otherwise since I quit smoking, but if I could break an arm and a leg for a cure for this thing, I would.

The two factors that make it so damn hard to keep the same schedule for more than a few days are A, I often have trouble falling asleep after being up the usual 16 hours and am often up for 18 hours, and B, I tend to be a little more sleep needy than others. So staying up to roll it back around in just a few days would simply be too hard on me. I know there are some people that could do it and that only need 6-7 hours of sleep but I usually need 8-9 and sometimes even 10-12 depending on how long I was up and what I did. One of my exes, Kacey, worked rotating shifts, something I could never do. I’m as flexible with sleep as a 90-year-old is with their hips.

But while I bitched and complained to Tom about how much it hinders me in many ways in life he pointed out the things it also enables me to do. Like having friends on the other side of the world since I’m up half the time they’re up, and having pet rats who are nocturnal. But there’s still more bad than good in it in many ways. Besides the obvious things, there’s the fact that there’s always something around to torment me no matter what “shift” I’m on. I got the bees in the daytime and the spiders at night. Most of the time I try to just accept it because some things can’t be changed any more than we can change our height or stop the sun from rising.

I was thinking of Maliheh who really put a big smile on my face when I got her message the other night. I was giggling to myself when I thought of some of the things we talked about. We both have a “fuck the world” attitude, all right, LOL. It’s amazing how much we have in common. I would LOVE to hear her play and sing someday.

It isn’t just what she does say that I like, but it’s what she doesn’t say as well. I was saying how she’d be the perfect neighbor since we both like our space and therefore wouldn’t bug each other. Yet at the same time, we’d be there to help each other in any way we needed or could, and that the door would be open for any – uhem – extra activities. Yeah, those kinds of extra activities. Nothing I would expect or have to have but that would be nice to know was a possibility. Well, even though we’ll probably never see each other again, she never came out and insisted there was no chance of that ever happening no matter what.

When Tom just told me how much money we have right now I nearly fainted. By the time we get moved, we could have more than we need, but that’s just all the more that will get thrown into savings. We’ll want to build that back up right away so that if worse came to worse and the car completely crapped out or he got laid off again, we’d have enough money for a new car and to live on till he got another job. I really hope that this will be it and that this is where he’ll be working till he retires. A tropical climate can wait if it’s going to take such good care of us financially and insurance-wise until then.

They’re talking about adding a second shift in his department, which he’s pretty sure they’d want him on. That’d be nice. He’s always preferred the second or third shift because it makes it easier if you’ve got to do something during the week during regular business hours.

A part of me wishes I could snap my fingers and make myself want to stay here in Yellowjacket Kingdom, cuz in just another month or two I could have Lasik surgery done and still have a nice savings. I was wrong in assuming it was just a grand, though. That’s only for the basics. It would really cost closer to 4K for everything – the antibiotics, the follow-up appointments, all that stuff.

Wish I could get myself to eat cheaper. Should we really be spending an average of $600 a month on groceries just because we can? I’m the main culprit in that department, though, with my expensive TV dinners. It’s just that Marie Callender is not only so yummy but that way I don’t have to cook and the calories are counted for me. Ok, so the cheaper TV dinners list calories too, and I still wouldn’t have to cook, but the food isn’t as good or as filling.

I can’t wait to see how long it takes Jesse (assuming they list this place on Craigslist again) to turn the place back out and if he ups the rent. Tom doesn’t see how he can, based on the ad he just saw. He said the place was a dump but they were only charging $900 for this 2-bed/2-bath on a few unshared acres.

I can tell I’m starting to retain that monthly water build-up because my bra’s tight again. So many women would kill for these 40Cs that are high and firm yet I wish they would just fall right off my chest forever! Guys would dig them, but I wonder what the average lesbian would think? It’s not like I’ve been to gay bars in years. I would think they’d like the older me better than the me of 20 years ago since my hair is shorter, I don’t wear much makeup these days, and I don’t dress as flashy as I used to. But I’m still short, I’m still feminine, and I would think these curves and hooters wouldn’t stand much of a chance.

The “wood chopping” exercise I’ve been doing has really helped to narrow my waist down nicely. But these hips are still clinging for dear life and so that hourglass shape isn’t going anywhere too soon.

Water, curves and all, I’m having a very hungry day today. Nothing I eat seems to satisfy me for long. I just want to eat till I puke. Sure did in my dreams last night. I guess us talking about and enrolling in medical insurance and all that caused this, LOL. So not only did Tom have back surgery in his dreams, but I got to have funky periods, puke my guts out, and wake up to find that I’d been knocked up with a litter of 15 embryos. I think there was something wrong with my oversized hooters too, the envy of Estrella Jail’s shower room in 2000.

Later…

I couldn’t find anything that would give me a clearer idea of what the average down payment would be on a house in an adult community, as Tom is better with research like I’m better with languages. But while houses are usually a little cheaper to rent there, they also cost more to buy. So even if someone suddenly handed us a down payment for a house in one of these communities, I would think the mortgage payments would be a nightmare. I don’t want to go back to having the place we live in suck every last dime out of us. Just because I’m not the shopaholic I used to be doesn’t mean I don’t want to be able to save.

I wish it wasn’t all or nothing and that neighborhoods weren’t so black and white. You either have your anything-goes neighborhoods or your adult communities. That’s fine to have, but what about college neighborhoods? What about families? What about couples? What about welfare bums so that they can’t be free to disrupt hard-working neighbors whose tax dollars allow them to sit on their asses? Yes, some people truly need help, but I still think most of them are lazy.

While owning has its pros and cons same as renting, I still don’t see us ever owning again. We could if we were willing to stay here another year or two to save for a place in the mainstream and go back to living just a few feet away from every horrible kind of neighbor possible. And their barking dogs that are never allowed indoors.

What sucks is that having that extra bathroom I’d like to have seems to jack up the rent significantly. I don’t know why an additional half-bath has to add $100 or more to the rent, but according to Tom’s research, it sure seems to. Since I’ll admit that while it’s annoying to wake up having to pee when Tom’s in the shower, my bladder has never burst from having to wait till he was done. Never once have I parked my tushy on the toilet for a dump when he’s knocked on the door needing to go, not that his wife would be as kind and as patient and not just laugh and tell him to buzz off and go aim for one of Jesse’s Cali oaks. Either way, I’ve never wet my pants yet, so if I had to choose between 1 bathroom in a nicer adult community vs. 2 in a rural dump where we’d still get slammed with barking and loud vehicles even if we had the property to ourselves, I’d take the nicer place with just one shit hole in the 55+ place. Besides, I still want to experience living there to see what it’s like. If it’s just as noisy as a regular neighborhood or there are other unforeseen problems like pesky neighbors or something like that, then why buy a place there? It’s a lot easier to move from a rental if you’re unhappy where you are. I’d rather neighbors come to the door to pester me with local gossip and tea parties than leave their dogs outside and let unruly kids tear through the neighborhood, but still…you can hear different stories told by different people, but you can only experience it yourself by actually doing it.

There are so many different possibilities to ponder! Not as many as there would be if we were rich, but a helluva lot more than there were less than a year ago. Sure I like the idea of owning so that we’re the boss of what happens when (unless it’s urgent), but I do not like the thought of staying cramped in here with the Jes pest, his mutts, and kid another year or two while we get together a down payment, and I don’t like the idea of having to fix things that break. If we continue renting, the landlord has to fix things and then other things we might want to get/do won’t be delayed. It could be years before I have Lasik as a renter, but it would be centuries as an owner. If for some reason we couldn’t get into an adult community, then I might be tempted to save to buy a place. Same with if we do get into one and don’t like it there for some reason like if the landlord is just as much or even worse of a pest with the dropping by unannounced. Usually, they don’t come around unless you call them for some reason. That’s why I would prefer not to live with them. Live with them and they’ll come around to tell you they farted.

Later…

Amazingly my MO blog got over 100 views starting from real early yesterday morning and it’s still climbing fast. My first thought was the troll since most people only make a couple of page views per visit with some being between 10-20. Besides, I don’t even have 100 entries there right now. But if she’s the one that’s been sitting there clicking away these last 18 hours, then why hasn’t she shown up on my Thoughts tracker and why hasn’t she bothered me on Ask? All in all, it’s probably just a glitch in the counter or an unusual surge in visitors. Maybe I made Member of the Week and don’t even know it. Adonis thinks I should, LOL. Or maybe I’ve got a new fan who likes my blog so much that they’re checking so often in anticipation of my next Pulitzer-winning post, LOL.

Anyway, I do different well. I really realized this after I was chatting with Tom about various people we know and how some handle those who are different well while others tend to be more ignorant and non-accepting of those who are different and don’t seem to realize they’re a little more than just “opinionated.” Before I go any further, though, I’m not referring to any one person in particular; I’m talking about those I’ve known in general.

I thought about it and there are really only 3 groups of people I can’t tolerate. Religious freaks, those in the Middle East who love to terrorize women and other countries, and those who use their race against others and whine and complain despite having EVERYTHING the rest of us have and so much more. I guess some people will still complain no matter how much you give them, just like no matter how many inches I may lose I’ll still complain about being fat.

Sure, there are some individual personality traits I don’t care for – those that lie, make false promises, lead you on, can’t take you for face value, act like they know you better than they do, act like they know it all, act like hypocrites, contradict themselves, try to change and control you – but I think I’m definitely more open to a diverse bunch of friends online even though I’m not as sociable as most people are when it comes to meeting people in person. That’s mostly because I’m not out much in order to meet people to socialize with in the first place, and still do like my personal space.

To each their own and not that I’m perfect but I don’t expect others to be good with languages simply because I am and I don’t pick on them for being able to will their bodies to do some amazing things just because I’m not very good at that myself. Sure wish I could will this head of mine to sprout a foot or so of hair! I definitely don’t like how the last cut came out.

I can see why some of my friends don’t have a lot of friends not just because they’re busy but also because they just don’t do different very well, especially if it’s something they can’t relate to, have never heard of, or don’t understand. I’m not condemning them – hey, I don’t do noisy neighbors very well at all and I have zero tolerance for barking dogs – but I see that that’s the way some people are. I like to learn new things and new ways of life, even if it may not be something I’m interested in for myself. I know and accept that just because I don’t understand how something could be possible, doesn’t mean it still can’t exist. I won’t push you to learn Spanish when you really want to learn Chinese just because I think Spanish is prettier. And just because someone may tell me something that sounds strange, doesn’t mean they’re deceiving themselves or me and are trying to hide some truth they don’t want to make known. I can’t imagine why anyone would want to participate in a threesome, but that doesn’t mean I’ll avoid you or pick on you for it. Not every bisexual person fears people’s reactions to being exposed for “really” being just gay and is therefore hiding behind a label they call bisexual. People really can be attracted to both genders, just usually one more than the other. Nane’s attracted to men more often. I’m attracted to women more often. Doesn’t mean I’m gay or she’s straight, does it? But like it or not we do tend to live in a very black-and-white world. It’s easier for most people not to have so many gray areas to sort through.

While it’s sometimes frustrating, I always try to accept that we all have different physical limits as well. Andy’s amazing in that he can will himself to pull all-nighters for his canning expeditions. I could never do that. But rather than beat myself up for it even if I may sometimes like to, or put up with those who might want to call me “lazy” because I can’t always do everything they can or that they think I should be able to do (like conquer my driving phobia) I let me be me and accept that I am who I am, period. Just because I lack in strength in some areas doesn’t mean I lack strength in all areas.

I try to do what I want to do in life be it physically, mentally or anything else. But if after giving it a reasonable amount of tries I should fail to succeed, I then try to focus on what I can do. Sometimes – and I admit this – I spend too much time focusing on what I don’t have and what I can’t do, thus missing out on enjoying what I can do and what I do have. So no, I’m not Wonder Woman. And no, I’m probably not a carbon copy of whoever you are that’s reading this. But I am me.

Despite my wide tolerance range for those of many cultures, countries, languages and lifestyles, that doesn’t mean I have an endless supply of tolerance for ignorance and those more interested in living my life for me than their own life. Just like no one is obligated to remain in my life, I’m not obligated to remain in theirs. Just thought I’d point that out and remind people that some people will only take so much before they may be lost and gone forever. We all have our limits as to how many times we’re willing to play kiss and makeup. A few folks (probably not who you think) are skating on thin ice with me right now. Any more shit from them and that ice just might break and they just might fall through and I’m not gonna be around to rescue them.

Some people will forgive the same people over and over forever and not just because they lack self-respect but because they actually like to fight. They like to keep pissing the same people off and going round and round in circles with them. They instigate a fight and then apologize for it so they can do it again. Well, I’m not one of them any more than I’m one who loves to go out bowling on weekends. Just because you may like to fight about stupid shit doesn’t mean I do, too.

No one should have to have friends they feel they can’t trust or who are so different from them that it makes them uncomfortable. They deserve better than that. So if I don’t meet your expectations for whatever reason, feel free to find someone who does. Just didn’t want anyone to think my door was locked. It’s always open for the decent, honest and accepting people to walk through, and it’s always open for the losers to walk out of.

THURSDAY, MAY 24, 2012
Jesse’s kid didn’t go careening through here on the dirt bike yesterday, fortunately. I swear I wanted to string a wire across the drive so that when the little punk came tearing around the bend just past the fork it would go flying down the hill headfirst!

Chatted with Maliheh, who just might be one of the best buddies I’ll ever have, as much as I would have laughed had someone told me years ago that I would one day say that. But just like Alison, she has always accepted everything about me as a whole. Parts of me are never doubted or ridiculed in any way.

She actually wanted to rant about a friendship that she ended for being too one-sided and to also tell me she loved what I said in my journal about how no one could punish me for telling it like it is.

A neighbor recently told her that no one in the neighborhood likes her and she told them she doesn’t give a shit. LOL, I can see why they wouldn’t like her, though. Anyone who wants to live in peace and quiet is automatically hated. People want to be free to be rude and inconsiderate toward their neighbors be it with their dogs, their music, their kids – anything they want – without anyone complaining about it.

Speaking of those that just can’t accept my own goddamn medical problems, I thought about it and even if I give myself the simplest of “jobs,” a lie like that could still be a bit complex, and well, I was never a very good liar to begin with. I’ve always found it much easier to just stick to the truth no matter how unbelievable or boring it may seem. BUT… it’s too late for this stupid idiot to go back and undo mentioning my sleep disorder. Yeah, I could really kick myself for that one. I admit it. I should’ve figured some people would not only not get it but give me grief about it, too. That’s just the thing, though. I can see this coming from strangers or acquaintances, but Andy? Andy?!

It’s sad but true that those we’d think would understand and support us the most are actually the last ones to do so more often than not. This registered sex offender has defended the blacks and made me seem like the villain when he himself says he’s been railroaded by the law after being picked on without provocation. Before identifying himself on Formspring he taunted me for my weight despite having 100 pounds on me. And now he calls me an “excuse queen” even though he has a sleep disorder too (sleep apnea). How is it this guy’s become such a hypocrite and so damn ignorant???

He claims his not believing I have a sleep disorder doesn’t mean he’s calling me a liar. It’s simply his opinion, he says. Having an opinion would be fine, it’s when he gets insulting and accusatory that’s not fine. He’s basing his “opinion” on the me of 25 years ago and he’s comparing my type of sleep disorder to his own. That’s like comparing breast cancer to skin cancer!

I realize just how untrue of a friend he really is. Oh, he’s a great friend online when he isn’t offending me with some ignorant BS, but if we were starving on the streets in his city I KNOW he wouldn’t help us. He’s nobody’s caretaker, he once told me. Well, neither am I. It’s why I never had kids. But I could never leave a friend in need hungry on the streets! Really, it’s ok to be selfish. We all are in many ways. But so selfish you’d stand by and let someone you call a friend suffer or even die?

Back to the “job” thing - I’m gonna tell just him I got it diagnosed and was recommended disability rather than tell everyone I got a job. Then maybe I can enjoy our online “friendship” without any BS mixed in. Also, if I develop any problems in the future, I’m not going to tell anyone about them. I could tell Aly and Maliheh but not Andy.

In truth, I don’t qualify for disability in this day and age cuz I didn’t work long enough and it would be a different kind of disability than the one I was on before. Also, fair or not, being married pretty much stamps out any chance to get them reinstated. Therefore, there’s no reason to get it officially diagnosed. I know I’ve got this problem. It’s as obvious as periods are periods. It’s never going to change no matter what people’s “opinions” on the matter are. I also don’t owe anyone any further explanation. Like I said, I never should’ve mentioned it to begin with.

I hope they’re right in saying that time has no meaning in the afterlife and that there’s no sense of time, cuz if that’s true, then neither do schedules.

Even Maliheh said I’ve put up with more from Andy than she ever would, and asked why. I guess I just felt bad after dumping him as I did, and well, there is more good in him than bad and I know that no one’s perfect. We still do have a lot of laughs together and I know he wouldn’t dump me no matter how irritating I got.

I have GREAT news about the benefits, but first I want to go work out and shower. I’ll just say that another reason to look forward to bombing this weekend is that again there was a yellow jacket waiting to pee with me when I got up today (now yesterday). I really think they’re coming up from under the sink.

Later…

It’ll take a month or so, but in about 30 days we will be insured for the first time in nearly a decade! I still can’t believe how much our lives have changed in less than a year! We went from no income and one foot in the grave to great money that became permanent and now great insurance, too! Wow. Just wow. Bye-bye, toothaches and maybe even bye-bye glasses if I can ever get up the nerve to have Lasik surgery. It would cost us a grand, though. I saw a video on the procedure and while the patient only described feeling dryness and pressure, she didn’t seem to be in any pain as disgusting as the video was. Really, it was totally gross to watch! I had no idea they sliced the top of the eyeball off with a “can opener” and then stuck it back on. It’s amazing it never falls back off! So I’m not sure I have the balls to do this to myself but a half hour or so of torture for a lifetime of vision might be worth it. It’s a low priority right now. First thing is getting my ear and teeth - but especially my teeth - dealt with.

There are so many details about the insurance thing, so I’ll just try to remember as many as I can, especially the basics. Ok, the medical plan that we chose is $88 a month. Considering he had to pay around $40 a week just for him up in Oregon, that’s pretty damn good. Dental is $56 a month and vision is $15 a month. We’re not going to enroll in the vision plan till October (every October is when you can change/adjust plans) because we want to focus on the move first.

We went online and chose and enrolled in the plans we decided on. We provide our SS numbers so they can connect us with Teleplan, the company he works for. The new laws have been implemented in these insurance plans and now so many things are free that once required a copay. Now we would only need to pay $25 for something like a therapist and $35 to see a specialist. Things like exams, pap smears, mammograms, x-rays, blood tests and quite a bit more are free. The dental pays 80% so if I needed the grand or so in dental work I probably need, we only pay $100. I don’t know if my teeth are worth salvaging, but I’ll find out, and that will tell me if the pain I’ve had on and off for too damn long is on account of my teeth or my ear. No need to see an ear specialist if it’s the teeth. The nerves run so closely together that it’s easy to think tooth pain is ear pain. I’m excited at the thought of finding out which one it is and dealing with it once and for all, though I’m suspecting my teeth at this point. For so many years they’ve bothered me. It started in 2004.

I know I should go for regular female exams, but I probably won’t unless I have a problem. Some would say it’s silly not to, especially being DES-exposed in the womb and with a higher risk of cervical cancer, but oh well. I’ll take my chances.

They’ll also pay him $25 to get regular physicals as part of their aim to encourage people to stay healthy. They even have activities they pay employees to participate in.

The reason we chose the $88 plan instead of the one that cost a few hundred is that the more expensive one provides hospital coverage. Well, neither of us expects to have to spend any time in the hospital, so even though we could afford it, we saw no point in getting it.

Also, the 401K is fully vested beginning in September.

In case I didn’t mention it, I did a final warrant check on myself a few days ago. Unless I’m missing something or something’s been issued in California, which I don’t see possible, that makes 3 times the black bitch tried to seek legal vengeance upon me and twice that she’s failed. Because there’s no warrant, this heightens my suspicions that “Juan D” wasn’t really a cop, but she and her buddies instead. The black pig was probably in on it since two of the email addresses that received the message I got were his. Where they really fooled me was that they knew several email addresses I had or had in the past. Yet anybody willing to pay a small fee could always get that info from a site like Intelius or something. I still don’t doubt she went to the black pig or some other pig that was actually a real pig and at least tried to screw me. But any legit pig would’ve told her she had no case on me and why.

WEDNESDAY, MAY 23, 2012
I was sitting here – and I don’t care who has a problem with this – thinking of how much I can’t stand men in general. Yeah, call me sexist or whatever, but it’s true. Fucking cocks are responsible for 95% of life’s problems. At least in my opinion, they are, but it’s ok to agree to disagree. It isn’t someone disagreeing with me I have a problem with, it’s when someone tries to cram their beliefs down my throat and get me to live by them that I draw the line. Not saying anyone’s doing that, I’m just saying I don’t try to control or judge others for how they live, think, and believe and I expect the same respect in return.

Now back to the male-bashing. Even as kids they tend to be worse. If this damn kid of Jesse’s was a girl I doubt it would be zipping around on the fucking dirt bike like it has been. But this is why I want out of the mainstream. In the mainstream, if you’re not dealing with your own kids, you’re dealing with someone else’s.

Obviously, there are a few good ones out there who are the exception but with all the shit they cause it’s no wonder so many girlfriends and wives are getting fed up and beating the crap out of them. Years ago they were expected to just stand there and take it and to “be a lady.” Ladies of the past didn’t use their fists. I’m not saying every woman can beat every man any more than every man can beat every woman, but those who don’t even try to fight back really make me wonder about them. Are they just that weak? Or could they actually get off on it somehow? There are some sickos out there who do get off on various forms of abuse, after all. But these days more of them are quick to say, “Fuck society’s views of what a proper ladylike woman should be,” and they’re returning the fist fire with a vengeance. I commend those women. Really it’s hard to feel all that sorry for a man who gets beaten by his GF or wife simply because a woman won’t usually resort to her fists unless she’s attacked first. A man will use them simply because he might’ve had a bad day at work.

Oh yeah, work. That reminds me. Do I really want to deceive everyone about that? Because in order to tell Andy what he wants to hear, I have to tell everyone. If I tell just him he’ll wonder why it’s not mentioned in my blog or why no one else brings the subject up on Ask and sites like that. Also, if I tell just him he may bring it up in public and others will be confused. I suppose I could make up an online job that pays at least minimum wage, but what the hell would I say it was? Besides, that’s not a “real” job to most people. I don’t want to be someone I’m not, but I also don’t want the grief I sometimes get by being a “1950s” housewife and the doubt over my sleep disorder. It’s only a job, after all. If saying I have a simple out-of-the-house job will get people to back off a bit, then that’s not “conforming” much, is it? It still kind of hurts that those who should know me better, like Andy, don’t believe I have a sleep disorder, and somehow I doubt he believes I was the real victim where the black welfare bums were concerned either. And why not? No one else but my husband did, so why should he?

TUESDAY, MAY 22, 2012
Sometimes I wonder if I should’ve been less open to the idea of being so honest about various aspects of my life. Yet I’ve always been quick to tell it like it is because I never cared what people thought. And when I say I don’t care what people think that doesn’t mean I don’t care about my husband’s feelings or that I would go out of my way to be rude to someone in public; it just means that in general, I don’t care who knows what about me because we all have our strengths, weaknesses, ups and downs. They frustrate me sometimes, but I’m not ashamed of them and I’ve never had any reason to lie or joke about them since there’s nothing to fear or gain. I’m 46 years old, for God’s sake. So who the hell could send me to my room without dinner if they learned something about me in particular that they didn’t like? Who could spank me because they didn’t like that I was born with a deformed ear or something like that? How could lying or joking about working at home make me rich in any way? So if I have nothing to fear or gain from the truth since I’m not a child in anyone’s custody and in need of anyone’s permission or approval, then why was my sexuality on trial earlier on Ask? IDK, maybe Andy was just playing with me and maybe I’m just imagining it, but sometimes I wonder if those who I think should know me best really know me at all. Or maybe they’ve just been bullshitted to death so many times by so many people that they’ve lost their ability to believe anyone, and I literally mean anyone.

But it’s true… sometimes I wonder if I’d have been better off not sharing as much of my life with anyone. When you keep a public journal, though, you can’t help who may see it, but sometimes I’m “questioned” about the strangest and dumbest things that I never would expect to be questioned about. If I said I was abducted by aliens and taken to another planet for some Chinese food, then I could see people being skeptical about it, but sometimes some people think I’m joking if I say I just brushed my teeth – WTF? Next thing you know I’m gonna get, “You’re not Jodi. I know you’re not really Jodi.”

Is it me or is it them? Ok, so I’m unique in some ways and I’m also as complex as I am simple, but when I look into my eyes in the mirror and I read back on some of the words in my journal, I fail to see a liar or a joker hiding in shame or fear amongst them. Because some people seem to think they mean so much to me that I would make up stories just to amuse and entertain them or perhaps make excuses because I fear some huge punishment should the truth be told, I’m now pickier about who I share what with. I still publish most things, but I do some entries for friends only and some are even totally private.

No one did this when my last rat died, but when my next pet dies and I write about how sad I am and how much I’ll miss that pet, I don’t need to be accused of lying simply to get pity and attention. So I keep some things to myself, particularly medical problems. I’ll mention it if my allergies go on the fritz, but if I should develop any new health problems of any significant kind I’ve decided that I’m going to keep it to myself. A part of me could kick myself for mentioning my sleep disorder. But if I said I had an outside job and stayed offline when I was supposedly working, that would make me a liar. Also, if I said, “Ha, ha, I was just kidding and just making it up to cover for some grand truth that could be used against me somehow,” once I was doubted, then that would also make me a liar. Well, the word is out about the sleep thing. I can’t take it back and I’m nobody’s liar either. Meaning I don’t tell people what they want to hear whether it’s because they don’t get it, don’t want to get it, or because they have serious trust issues they haven’t dealt with. But I can be nobody’s confidant. I can watch whom I tell what to or just keep my damn mouth shut altogether.

People really do surprise me sometimes, mostly by way of their hypocrisy or what kinds of people are more likely to take me at face value. I’ve had people fatter than me pick on my weight and I’ve had virtual strangers put their trust and faith in me that not even my own mother ever would do. WTF? Again, just WTF? LOL, I know it sounds funny, but hey, who am I to be able to explain the human mind and why people sometimes act in ways we’d least expect? And so I’ve learned to develop a “secretive” side to me at least in some ways since I’d much rather just not say anything at all about certain things than tell someone what they wanted to hear or make up stories about it. I’m not going to tell you I’ve conquered my driving phobia if I haven’t. I’m not going to deny being creeped out by spiders simply because you might not see how that’s possible since rats, mice and snakes don’t scare me. I can’t always know up front who’s going to want to throw me on trial and challenge me for what, but I have a feeling, for example, some people wouldn’t believe me if I said that less than a year ago the possibility of saving just 10 bucks seemed insane but now we have thousands. So those are the kinds of things I’ll be more selective about.

I wonder if some of the questions on Ask that seem to be from the troll are really someone just trying to make it look that way. The questions are similar, but the writing style isn’t, so that’s why I wonder. Guess I’ll never know, though.

I already got half my weekend weight off, but now I’m hungry as hell. Why is it that the longer I’m up the hungrier I get?

You know what? Fuck this honesty. Fuck always being me. Instead of always being so damn honest, could it really hurt to tell a little white lie here and there just to placate people and keep them off my back? I’m not saying that I should lie and twist everything, but the biggest thing people don’t get or have a problem with seems to be the sleep/job issue. So can it really hurt to say I’m working some menial little job once we’re moved and on a bus line? I don’t want to go so far as Kim that I’m impersonating celebrities and telling so many lies that I can’t tell fact from fiction, but that one thing is simple enough to change. I’m not going to say I was lying or joking about the sleep thing, just that I’ve learned to “work around” it. I always did want to see if I could get myself into at least a little role-playing anyway as long as it wasn’t anything too extreme cuz I think it could be fun. I’m just sick of the backlash I get for being a “1950s” woman, even though I know that had I had kids, for example, I’d get shit for not being a “modern” woman since kids aren’t as common as they used to be. Meaning that the population may’ve gone up in the last 50 years, but fewer of those women have kids.

Later…

MyOpera is having visibility issues right now and they’re not usually any quicker to deal with their glitches anymore than Thoughts is, so I’m posting daily in both blogs. My posts made after yesterday on MO aren’t showing up in the blog for some reason. They can only be accessed via the archive or through any links I post on Facebook. So as much as I hate to deal with snail-slow Thoughts on a daily basis, I’m going to anyway. I love Thoughts otherwise, I’m just fed up with every single damn site I use having problems and not doing anything about it!

That fucking kid of Jesse’s has been zipping up and down the drive on the dirt bike and it even zipped through here once. One more time and we’re calling up to Jesse to tell him to keep his damn kid to himself! Why couldn’t the damn thing be a girl?

Anyway, tomorrow’s the benefits meeting at work for Tom. He feels they’ll be pretty good since it’s a European country that the company’s based in. You usually have to work a year before you can get one lousy week off with U.S. companies, but in Europe, you usually get around 25-30 days. So the fact that he’s got 3 weeks off in his first year makes him hopeful the benefits will be good because like it or not there really are some things better about Europe as opposed to the U.S.

I know this may be just a dream, but I really wish we only had two more moves to make in our lives; to an adult community for the next 11 years, then to Spain when he retires. We won’t mind leaving everything behind but our clothes and toiletries.

The vitamins haven’t helped much to make me feel less sluggish, though I realize it’s mostly due to a lack of calories. It’s no wonder they recommend no less than 1500, but I’d never lose the few pounds I gain over the weekend if I didn’t drop to 1200-1300 like I do during the week.

We decided to bomb one last time this weekend, but not just because of the packing we’re doing, stirring up corners where bugs love to hide, and opening boxes that have sat around for ages, but because we know we’re going to be here another few months anyway and it’s prime time for bugs now. Even the shed’s going to be bombed despite the little vent holes up top. The shed is the most likely place for creepy crawlies and black widows are always a possibility. Even scorpions. Scorpions are more of a desert thing, but I have seen them here. Just once did I see this particular nightmare, but black widows, tarantulas and scorpions really do exist here.

SUNDAY, MAY 20, 2012
Although we refused to answer them, Aly and I got hit with some very troll-like questions on Ask like why we were being so mean to her, why we were talking about her, and how ashamed we should be of ourselves. The thing is that they’re not written in the way Molly usually writes. Alison pointed out in a PM on FB the telltale signs of Molly which simply weren’t present in this round of questions, and we both know Molly’s not smart enough to change her writing style. But neither is Kim, and there were plenty of telltale Kim signs on this last round for sure.

I agree with Aly when she said the more she learns about Kim (the real one) the less she likes her. I think Kim has lived in a fantasy world for so long now and has been so many damn people in her mind and online that not even she can keep track of what’s real and what’s not at this point.

She was asked, for example, what her hair and eye colors were. She answered with blue and blond. Ok, blue, I can buy, but blond? I’ve seen enough pictures to see that clearly, her hair is brown. She doesn’t dye her hair, nor does she strike me as the type to even if she were old and gray. Yet as Aly confirms, she always claims to be blond. Colorblind? Or is that just what she’s told herself so many times that that’s what she believes?

Aly admitted she asked her some questions anonymously just to test her reaction. Nothing vulgar or anything, but things like if she’s recently lied to anyone and other questions she hasn’t answered.

I wanted to give her back some of her “Molly” questions just to fuck with her but if I get too obvious, she’ll suspect it’s coming from someone she knows well.

If they weren’t so well written I’d wonder if my “pretty lady” fan was really Kim, but that’s nothing Kim would do. Kim lacks originality, too. “r u a retard?” is more like Kim. Molly’s questions would usually have a whiny and accusatory ring to them and would be in regard to her. Not the person they were going to. Like Kim, this person is also capping odd words whereas Molly didn’t use contractions very often and often left out spaces between sentences. Molly also isn’t a fan of caps. We still believe most of the Molly questions are indeed from Molly or someone who knows her.

I just asked Kim anonymously who her top 3 online friends are because I know I’m one of them and I want to see how she spells my name. She seems to spell my name right in her silly stories, but oddly enough, so does Molly when so many people spell it wrong. Even Nane still spells it Jodie or Jody when I’m not the usual Lady Rainbow.

I sometimes wonder if some of the strange questions I get could be from Nane, Andy, someone else I know, or just a random person there who’s read enough of my answers and questions to know just enough of what to ask me.

Aly’s admitted to asking a few anonymous questions when she wasn’t logged in, but they’ve all been the kinds of questions she’d ask anyway. Me too, only it was because I forgot to uncheck the “ask anonymously” box. Usually, I remember, but sometimes I do forget.

Andy would be the most likely to ask some of the goofy and even dirty anonymous questions, but I think it’s mostly troll-related or just random people. That’s the fun of Ask, though, wondering and guessing who’s who of the anonymous people. Maliheh? Nane? Nah, too “grown-up” and well-behaved. Mitch? Adonis? Maybe.

Later…

The official packing has begun. At least some of it has. We’re going to pick up 4 or 5 of those plastic bins I mentioned earlier each week. I just emptied out a huge, but old and flimsy box and packed what was in it that I wanted to keep into a bin. Then I threw what we’re either going to sell or leave behind into a smaller box. We need to organize, store and sell things whether we are moving or not, anyway.

Tom spent a few hours today going through the shed. He was going to yesterday but yesterday we had to spray inside and out for those fucking yellow jackets. There were two of them in the bathroom. Tom didn’t see any hives where the water tank is or up in the cooler, so they could be coming up through the pipes under the bathroom sink. I can’t wait to leave this freak show we call home! It’s just that I sometimes worry we won’t be able to find anything affordable in an adult community that we want that’s close enough to where he works. I’ll scream if our only options are apartments, mainstream houses, or some other dump on another shared lot. I’m as tired of “sharing” as I am against the idea of attached living. But would we have been living in tiny old dives for this long if it weren’t what was meant to be?

Later…

Ok, I’m officially creeped out after two spiders and one stinkbug. God knows what other nightmares got stirred up when I was rummaging in the closet earlier beginning to sort things for moving.

I can’t get online now rolls eyes but hey, what else is new? Tom thinks the thermostat’s signal may be interfering with the modem. And I think AT&T is just fucked up. So I’m typing this in Word until I’m able to post it.

So…dove sono tutti? Where is everyone? I heard from Andy and Eileen, but I wonder where Kim and Aly are today. I don’t expect to hear from Nane, of course, since she’s on vacation. I check her wall once a day, though, just to see if she’s checked in from the hotel and maybe even posted some pictures.

I’m wondering if my sister’s Facebook account has been taken over. She was supposed to have returned last week yet I still haven’t heard from her. There’s also some weird shit on her wall. A picture of 3 girls attending their prom. Well, Tammy was tagged as one of these girls and there are all these likes and comments from people I’m not sure are even on her friend list.

Oh, here we go again with the anonymous questions from someone who hints at knowing me.

My allergies have been annoying on and off but nothing too serious. The forecast called for rain on Friday. “Yeah, right,” I said to myself, and sure enough it’s down to just clouds now. It shouldn’t rain till the fall. Personally, I hope it doesn’t rain while we’re still here and wash away the poison we sprayed all over the cooler, doors and windows.

Kim just checked in on Ask and I’m wondering if she asked me the last two questions anonymously asking if I knew who they were.

My allergies are getting worse. I really don’t want to have to take Benadryl now and be knocked out for a couple of hours.

I’m really starting to think Kim’s asking herself some of the same questions she’s asked Aly and me to try to throw us off her scent. I mean it could still be troll-related, but I think she’s the new troll. I really do. Oh, to be able to track Ask!

SATURDAY, MAY 19, 2012
Not much going on so far today. It’s been a quiet and warm Saturday. Jesse stayed home last night, but who knows about tonight?

This morning Tom got clear plastic storage bins at Walmart. They’re nice. They’ll be great for both moving and storing stuff.

I can’t wait till next week! That’s when the benefits meeting is and he’ll know exactly what it’s going to cost. Then we’ll have a better idea of what we can look for in a rental.

We went out to Carl’s Jr. earlier, and a lizard ran into the kitchen as we were leaving. We managed to scare it back out.

Now we’re relaxing till we get to work on more moving preparations. We’re starting with the shed and sorting what we’re going to dump, sell and take with us. Well, he’s the one who’s mostly dealing with that. I’m not about to go hang out with the spiders and the bees and all that.

I started back up with the vitamins today, so hopefully I won’t feel so sluggish so often. I’m taking a couple of days off from running too, to let my knee heal. It’s not injured or anything, but I had a slight pain right above the kneecap on the left knee, so I’m giving it a break.

Still no word from Tammy. I thought I’d have an update from her by now, though I realize she’s only going to tell me what she wants me to know. And God knows how many things she tells me will even be true.

Later…

I was lying in bed in the pitch blackness of the night just relaxing to the sound of Tom snoring and vehicles on the distant highway. As I lay there I remembered waking up to pee late one night when I was around 7 or 8. My mother, who was always a night owl, had been watching TV on a tiny old black and white in the bedroom next to mine. I came out of the bathroom a few minutes later and she followed me as I returned to my bedroom and slunk down under the covers. I fumbled for a moment with the covers which she gently and lovingly tucked snugly around me. I was off to sleep again in no time.

Here I now sit over 40 years and 3000 miles later and I can’t help but wonder how. How could this same woman go on to slap the crap out of me, not too often, but enough to make sure I’d never forget it? How could she have taunted me about my weight when I spent 95% of my youth thin? How could she have said some of the cruel things she said to me? How could she have sent me away just so she could have a quieter household? How could she have refused her own daughter’s pleas to come back home as I cried and begged on the phone and in letters? My happiness was in her hands for decades like a piece of paper. But she took that piece of paper and squeezed it in her fist so tight until it crumbled to nothing.

How is it possible for me to feel the empathy I feel for her for what she’s going through right now after the recent loss of her husband of 62 years? How is it possible to retain at least some love for her as she suffers the rest of her life in loneliness, is left alone to deal with her health problems, and then eventually dies? I mean I suppose sooner or later either Tammy will take her in or she’ll go live in some nursing home or some type of assisted living program, but how can I feel any pity for this negative, domineering witch who basically already has one foot in the grave? When you think about it, it’s just a waiting game from here on out. She could live another 5-10 years, but under the circumstances, would most people feel all that blessed about that?

Yet while I don’t know that I ever can or will fully forgive my mother any more than some people in Arizona or God Himself, I do feel a stab of pity, however slight it may be. I know that despite the many times we’ve butted heads in life, my sister would understand my mixed emotions, not that being understood really matters. I know how I feel and that’s good enough for me. I let myself feel what I feel even if I don’t always like what I feel.

Well, I’m not as sensitive to cruel words as I was as a child, she would never slap me now, and I’m still “thin” for a 46-year-old woman barely brushing the 5-foot marker, but she can never ever hurt me again. She can never really hurt me again. Yeah, that’s the one thing I realize as I compare the past to the present and that’s that even in my utmost toughest of times as an adult, life is always better than it was for me as a child. The only thing worse about it is that there have been moments in adulthood in which I feared for my survival due to the poverty that my mother will never have even the slightest inkling of a taste of no matter how many more years the old witch has left in her.

FRIDAY, MAY 18, 2012
“Are we going to be able to pay the rent? Do you really think we’ll make it this month?” It is sooo nice not to have to ask questions like that! Yet despite an economy that isn’t much better and a God that probably still hates us for reasons we’ll never know, we’re doing better than we were in Oregon, in some ways, and even when we were in Arizona. Our expenses here are more than they were in Oregon, but we don’t have all our money going into an $1100 mortgage payment and a $450 electric bill either like we did in Arizona. Oh, the freedom of renting! I sometimes miss being the boss of the place, but it’s not worth it at all unless you own the place outright.

Lately, we could live off his OT alone, seeing that he’s made over $80 in OT each day this week. He made enough to pay the rent and buy 3 weeks’ worth of groceries in one week. Not bad. Not bad at all.

I thought that the average American made $45K - $65K in the U.S., but Tom’s research shows that the average male makes $33K and the average female makes $25K. This still makes no sense seeing that the average woman is smarter than the average man. But if that’s so, then he’s actually above average. Next week they’re on for 10-hour days instead of 12.

Anyway, both of us are going to spend most of the weekend eating and sleeping, though we’ll sort through some stuff along the way, too.

Heard a bunch of car door slamming and even a quick horn honk at Jesse’s. This is one thing I dread about having neighbors so close to me once again. Everyone seems to have tons of company every day. Well, all that car door slamming can get pretty old if it’s right outside your place. I refuse to ever again take a place where the neighbor’s driveway runs alongside our place. I hate that! So you could say I’m both excited and apprehensive about the move. I just hate to end up in a place that may turn out worse than this place could ever be, but if we have any doubts for whatever reason, we’ll just stay put. No, I don’t like dealing with Jesse’s shit, but at least it’s pretty predictable. I’m not going to miss the place stinking of skunks every now and then, that’s for sure. Yeah, a skunk made another blast-off last night. At the dogs, I hope:)

He was leaving on the motorcycle as Tom was coming in. If we were behind him as he was leaving on that thing and I was behind the wheel, it would be sooo hard to resist the urge to terrorize him a bit and get a little too close to his back wheel and shit like that, LOL. Then again, I think it may be more fun to let Jesse watch us “tow” his dogs away. As in chained to the back bumper. grins evilly

So Donna Summer died yesterday at 63 of cancer. An article I read on her said she once made anti-gay remarks. It appalls me when anyone is hateful of anyone who doesn’t hurt anyone and who wants nothing more than equal rights, but it especially appalls me when the person is black and supposedly should know better, even if they’ve been treated just fine for the most part for decades now and have been given more rights than anyone else out there. I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if Obama were re-elected because of his color. Where the country idolizes youth and money, it also idolizes blacks. I’d just rather the Democrats be in power vs. the Republicans, black or white, because the Republicans tend to be more hateful towards gays and they don’t believe a woman should have any rights either. Anyway, I don’t know if Donna meant it or not, but she later apologized for her big mouth and said she realized it wasn’t her place to judge people. No, it wasn’t, but she had a helluva voice and I loved a lot of her songs. She definitely made up a huge part of the disco era.

When I got up I picked up my Nane messages. It was her last day of work and now she’s off to TR for the next couple of weeks. I was giggling to myself when I thought of how both Jim and I were going on vacation with her in a sense. Only I’m going in the form of my books, LOL. Yeah, she’ll be catching up on some of my stories and who knows what else of mine while she’s relaxing on one of those rocky beaches. She now has doubts about retiring there since TR doesn’t have a social system like Europe and the U.S. No insurance or anything like that and I guess you can’t rent places there. You can only buy them.

“Funny how I win all these writing contests and awards yet still never make much money from my writing,” I had said to her.

“Sabır, kızım sabır,” Nane told me, which in Turkish means, “Patience, girl, patience.” So without meaning to, I’m learning some Turkish words here and there cuz of her. Before we met I wouldn’t have been able to recognize Turkish writing but they don’t dot all their i’s and they have other telltale signs which I now recognize.

We wouldn’t do this, of course, but it would be so funny if someone mailed the next people a postcard which I know Jesse would read since it all comes to his mailbox saying: How do you like the trailer? Glad the landlord never discovered your rap sheet. After all, attempted murder is a biggie, etc. LMAO!

THURSDAY, MAY 17, 2012
LOL, so the Royal Canadian Mounted Pigs looked in on one of my Thoughts blogs, which just so happened to be the one wishing someone would take care of the dogs, but I’m not worried about it. First of all, no one can do anything to someone for simply wishing upon a star, lest they try to just to end up making that person rich when they sue them for violating their rights. Secondly, it is Canadian bacon, after all, and not American. Had it said they were the PD in the black bitch’s town, then I’d be shitting some bricks. I’m almost surprised they haven’t pestered me, though if they bother me again I’m going to try not to let them get to me. Unless they crash through these doors, there’s no sense in letting them intimidate me in any way. So long as there’s no federal warrant out on me, they can’t touch me unless they set me up really bad, and I mean really bad. While that possibility is always there, I would hope they’d have better things to do than to pick on me.

Anyway, I’m not worried about the Royal Piggies. It was probably just a bored person surfing the net. Lots of businesses have employees that do that, so why should the pigs be an exception?

Is it wrong to want to please someone you have a crush on? Within reason, of course. Ok, so it’s not like I would jump off a bridge if the person wanted me to and while they never asked or demanded that I do so, I woke up feeling a twinge of guilt for deleting Christiane simply because I thought it might make Nane feel better. I know I’m just being silly, though. Whether Nane might’ve wanted me to or not, it’s not like Christiane and I were good friends. We didn’t get to know each other very well at all, something I attributed to us having never met in person before, which I can understand. Facebook isn’t usually the place for “collectors,” not that I’ve ever been one myself. It’s just that people tend to take their friends there a little more seriously and prefer them to be those they’ve actually met or at least established some sort of a cyber connection with elsewhere before adding them there.

Nonetheless, I sent Christiane a message a little while ago letting her know why I deleted her and that she didn’t do anything wrong or anything like that. Again, I can’t imagine she’d be offended in any way if she even notices I’m gone, but still, I let her know she could keep in touch and all that.

I don’t feel bad about deleting Sara, however, the one that accidentally friended me. That night she said she’d check out my profile and that I’d hear from her that evening, but I never did. She was probably put off by someone as liberal as I am. I hate to say it but it’s mostly the older folks that hate us libs and she was in her 70s. Furthermore, she didn’t unfriend me but she blocked me from her wall. So I figured she didn’t want to be friends and there was no point keeping her on my list so I let her go.

Nane, whose spell I’ve been under for nearly two years now, is off to TR for a couple of weeks so I don’t expect to hear much, if anything at all, during that time. I don’t think I’ll miss her as much this time, though, cuz I’m doing better in life and I hear from her a lot more these days that it’s not like I’m hard up for my Nane fix or anything like that, LOL. I thought she already left, but I guess today was a holiday in Germany (I don’t know what) and tomorrow she has one more day of work.

WEDNESDAY, MAY 16, 2012
Managed to get caught up on my sleep and now I’m feeling much better. I slept 11 long, wonderful hours, though I woke up a few times along the way and was half awake during the last hour. I was a bit surprised to find myself up half a pound when I got up as little as I ate yesterday. But I also didn’t work out yesterday either.

I don’t know why lack of sleep is so hard on me. I’m fit. I’m not that old. So why is it so hard on me? I guess different people handle different things differently. Not even caffeine helped, though. Caffeine does a better job of keeping me awake than it does of waking me up.

I’m surprised it’s been quiet so far. No barking, sawing, hammering, loud vehicles or anything.

I’m going to hit the treadmill, then the shower, and get on with my day. First, though, I wanted to assure people that their secrets really are safe with me. It was a discussion I had with someone the other day that prompted me to leave this little reminder, but I won’t say who the discussion was with or what it was all about because it’s, well, a secret. Let’s just say that I usually have a good sense of judgment as to what I should say about someone else on my blog. I have a pretty damn good idea which of my friends are private, kind of private, and then those who basically don’t care who knows what. But if ever you tell me anything deep, dark and personal, I assure you it’d be the same as telling it to a wall. In other words, I won’t divulge it any more than a wall would. I never saw any reason for repeating things someone else absolutely doesn’t want me to divulge. Unless it was a matter of life and death, there’s simply no point in it and they’re not asking much of me by asking me to keep something confidential. Just wanted to make this clear.

Later…

I have so, so much writing to catch up on after being so out of it the last couple of days. It’s just a matter of deciding what should be public, friends, or private. I’ve never cared to be a very private person for the most part cuz I just don’t give a shit what other people think. But some of my friends do care, so out of respect for them, I’ll have to use my best judgment.

Molly, Judy or Sarah is back to contacting me on Ask since they can’t do it anywhere else. I don’t think Molly herself wrote this because it’s a little too well-written to come from her. They wanted to let me know that I was not only going to hell but that they win either way. This is because they feel fulfilled and appreciated by positive attention, valued over negative attention, and security over no attention.

But how would they feel if they couldn’t give me attention of any kind? Some think blocking them on all sites would really disappoint them since they do live for showering me with unwanted contact, after all. Well, it’s something to think about. I just hate to ruin the fun for those who have absolutely nothing to do with this in order to deny them what they want.

After confirming it was really her, Alison was quick to defend me when Molly gave her her own dose of unwanted contact from her latest FB account. This was after she asked Aly to text her because her mother said I’d “bother” her if she continued to talk online. And I thought my mother and brother were the biggest hypocrites on earth! As Aly told her, she’s the one that’s been coming to me. She reads my blogs and she keeps contacting me after I’ve told her not to. My provider could prove this easily enough, too.

As I was telling someone else, when are they going to come out with online restraining orders to keep trolls like this from pestering people??? Any violations would be so much easier to prove than the old-fashioned kind since our digital moves are recorded. Our providers keep track of every single site we go to, so what are they waiting for?

I can only be contacted by friends on all the sites I use, which is really only like 4 sites these days, except for Ask. I’m not ready to give up anonymous commenting there, though I suppose it wouldn’t kill me to. I don’t get that many anonymous comments anyway, and most of my friends are members. For now, I’m not going to make any more changes.

Still can’t figure out if MO’s counter is members-only or not. It seemed to go up after some non-members checked out my blog, but when Adonis left some comments, it didn’t budge. There could be a delay in updating but I thought these counters were pretty instantaneous.

There is some good news, though, and that’s that Tom got a 5% raise. So now he makes $13.65 regular time and $20.48 OT. So between that and the pension (till they take away what’s left of it), that’s an extra $165 a month.

Andy told me he couldn’t wait till I felt better cuz the Internet is a dull experience without me. That’s too bad. I mean, I’m flattered, but sometimes I wish he’d meet more people to play with online so he’s not so dependent on me to entertain him. I’m just not as into Ask as he is.

Later…

I chatted with Maliheh a couple of nights ago. She thanked me for the birthday wishes and said I just gotta trust her and that just cuz she doesn’t write doesn’t mean a thing. Yeah, maybe not, but sometimes I still wonder if she’s playing with me. Or at least testing me. Again she promised not to go as long next time, but I wouldn’t expect to hear from her before the fall.

She said she finally got the cops to give her neighbor with the barking dog a citation. I guess they went to appeal it too, but had to pay $100 anyway. Good for her! But again, why can’t people get such results out here??? Instead, they beat their complaints with all kinds of lame excuses just like Jesse did.

She asked my advice on how I would deal with someone she’s been having problems with. Some older lady who forgot her birthday and who was just using her.

She heard me sing on LJ too, and said I sounded good and that Nane doesn’t know a good voice when she hears one after I told her Nane wasn’t that impressed. She actually loves the song I was singing and thinks it’s one of the most beautiful songs. It’s an old Gloria song. She said the first time she heard it she was driving and had to pull over because it was the most beautiful song she’d ever heard.

I’m a little worried she hasn’t gotten all my messages. I swear I sent her the link to me singing 2-3 times and I figured I didn’t hear anything about it because she thought it sucked and didn’t want to hurt my feelings; not that she didn’t get it.

Her student count is still down, she’s been walking a lot, and that’s about it. Like I said, I don’t expect to hear from her for a while now, but her auto-corrector sure is just as funny as she can be, LOL.

Later…

Nane has been a bit irritating lately at the same time we’ve become closer. But I have a feeling that if our friendship ends again, it’s going to be because I end it and not her. And I will not fight to win her back again either if our friendship ever does end again for any reason, regardless of who ends it.

When her friend Dieter (who I learned was the one who got her the job on Wall St. and was her boss many years ago) friended me, I asked her if she was ok with that. She said not at all and that was between him and I. He ended up being rude to me and unfriending me but so as not to start any problems between Nane and the guy, I kept quiet about it.

Over the next year, I became friends with her brothers, SIL and two of her friends. When she dumped me last December, I let her brothers and SIL go figuring it’d be awkward for everyone if we remained connected.

Yesterday she told me she never liked that I asked her friends about her and that this would never occur to her to do this herself since she could just come and ask me whatever she wanted me to know.

But I didn’t. All I did was ask Irene how they met. I did ask her brother once if she was ok after I hadn’t heard from her in a while, but I never asked for any personal info from anyone.

Then she acknowledged this and commented on how she’s confided in me and told me all kinds of personal things and hopes she can trust me not to tell anyone some of the private things she’s told me. “If you do… I don’t even want to finish this thought,” she said.

I finished it jokingly and said, “Or else you’ll come here and spank me, right?” But I know what she’s really saying is that if I’m not on my best behavior she’ll dump me again. Yeah, whatever. She’s gotta do what she’s gotta do. I can only state the facts. It’s up to her to believe them or not believe them. She did thank me for keeping her secrets safe, though, and as I always said, even if you get pissed at someone, a secret is still a secret. Not that she’s really ever told me anything that scandalous anyway. But there was one thing she told me that could be used against her. That was when she bashed Irene. I’ll be making this entry private online. I’m not even going to share it with Andy because he sometimes slips. Several times he’s talked about things in public I’ve told him not to discuss there, including Nane’s weight gain.

Anyway, I get up today and pick up her messages, as usual, then I see her friend list is hidden from view. I hope that doesn’t have anything to do with me, I told her, and she said she changed that because sometimes people get in touch with other “friends” when they don’t even know each other and she doesn’t like that. Why didn’t she tell me this when I confronted her about Dieter friending me, the old bastard? She said someone asked if they were lovers and I guess she didn’t like that either and it put her in a rather awkward moment.

I kind of understand her discomfort, though. Adonis is a great guy yet I’ll admit it felt kind of weird that he friended a few of my friends. That’s why I let Christiane go. I figured she wouldn’t mind and would be rather indifferent to my absence if she even noticed it at all since we were never that close. Irene, on the other hand, is more sensitive so I’m hanging onto her for now. No need to hurt people needlessly. But now Nane and I only have one mutual friend. Happy now, Nane? And as I told her, if anyone else she knows friends me in the future, I will decline to accept.

The more I get to know Nane, the closer I feel to her yet the more I see just how wrong she’d be for me as a GF in real life. If she were drunk and pissed at the same time, she just may go beyond verbal meanness. Let’s just say I can picture it and with 9 inches and probably more than 10 pounds on me, it’s not a pretty picture in my mind. She’s been funny, she’s listened to me, she’s offered good advice, and she’s been sweet, but she’s also shown how contradicting, selfish and compassionless she can be. She can be a real bitch and while I’ve forgiven her, I’ll never forget the way she dumped me in a time of need. If any good came of it it’s that I learned never to tell anyone ever again if I’m considering suicide. Instead of them talking me out of it or being supportive they either use it against me, they run, or they say I’m just “messing” with them for attention. Well, fuck that shit! I hope there isn’t a next time, but if there is I’ll either just quietly kill myself or hope things turn around like they did last fall and stop me from doing so.

Anyway, she’s off into the sunset as of tomorrow. I thought she was going to Morocco but instead she’s going to her usual place – TR.

Later…

Sharyn “liked” one of my blog posts on Facebook along with Nane. I turned it from public to friends so the troll doesn’t go bothering them, but I forgot that I’m still connected to Sharyn, even though I’m not. I deleted her because I no longer cared to have friends who aren’t really friends. I currently only have 36 friends over there, that’s how picky I am when it comes to Facebook friends. But Sharyn is still subscribed to me so she sees my updates. It may be only the public ones, though.

Still, it got me thinking… Sharyn’s “up there in years.” But “pretty lady” isn’t something you would call a cousin, is it? And I highly doubt she’s “always admired me.” At this point, I’m pretty sure the older woman who called me pretty lady and claimed to admire me was just a joke. Who knows, it may’ve even been Molly’s mother. It was too well written to be from Molly and the mother has proven to be just as fucked in the head as her daughter. More so than I ever realized until yesterday.

Sadly, I’m learning how fucked in the head Kim is too, only in a different way. Alison was worried this latest Molly account may actually be Kim to get back at her for confronting her about her celebrity impersonation obsession. She’s still up well past midnight pretending to be Ted Wass on Twitter. But she asked Molly some trick questions that Kim couldn’t possibly know the answers to, so it is Molly with her 1500th account that we both blocked.

TUESDAY, MAY 15, 2012
Just thought I’d do a quick entry till I’m feeling a little better than I am now which is kind of brain-dead. My sleep was shorted a few hours, we had a power failure, I had the runs, I’m being harassed by the troll and her mother, I have a toothache, and I feel like someone karate chopped me between the shoulder blades. Pretty nice, huh? I had that pain yesterday for a bit and attributed it to a pulled muscle, but now I don’t know what it is.

Yesterday I was sluggish all day and even lightheaded at times. Tom thinks I’m exercising too much and eating too little. Well, I have dropped 7 pounds in 8 days, so maybe I need to slow down a bit. I tried to work out today but had to stop right away. My hips and knees totally protested and I feel like a dead weight cuz I’m tired. Not feeling very sociable either, though I did check in with a few friends. As tired as I am, I couldn’t fall asleep when I tried to nap earlier. Maybe tonight I’ll finally get caught up on my sleep.

I awoke to the sound of the sound machine going off and of course Jesse just had to come down to ask me if our power was out, too. Then I dragged my tired ass back to bed and half-dozed for a little over an hour. I didn’t realize the power had come back on when it did till I saw the numbers on the alarm clock lit up. I forget the computer and sound machine won’t come back on by themselves when the power’s restored as a fan or a light would, but neither of those things was on.

The cooler’s thermostat runs off Tom’s computer. I could fire him back up but don’t know the PW on that computer to reactivate the thermostat so I’m operating the damn thing manually. I’m glad the power didn’t crap out when I was going to bed, though that might’ve actually been a bit easier on me. Like I said, hopefully I’ll get caught up soon enough. And also hopefully, I’ll walk for an hour tomorrow, which is about a 300-calorie burn and a distance of about 3 miles.

That’s it for now. I’ll write more about what’s been going on some other time.

Later…

Help me understand why some people feel so compelled to harass and stalk others online, then turn around and whine and complain about it when we have nothing nice to say about them in our blogs and demand that we stop referring to them as trolls. I just don’t get this. Nor do I get why a high school teacher of all things would want to leave rude comments on someone’s blog that doesn’t even know them. Really, it’s scary to think these so-called role models in society can behave so childishly and sometimes just downright crazy. But as I’ve said before, the troll that’s been on my tail for years now had to get her craziness from somewhere, right? Makes me wonder if she does this to any of her students she doesn’t like.

After all these years I wonder if Mommy Dearest or her darling daughter, whom she does nothing but make excuses for and blame the behavior of on others, is ever going to get that “no contact” really means no contact. I don’t want to know these people exist. Why can’t they get this? Just what part of “leave me alone and go away” do they not get? I don’t want to fight with them. I don’t want to be their friend. I don’t want to be anything to them but an old memory. Period. Why can’t they respect my wishes and leave it at that? And if they don’t like me saying anything bad about them, then why don’t they stop giving me a reason to?

I’ve got the troll blocked as best I can on Ask, but Mommy had this to say on one of my entries: Do you really think that anyone cares about this? How selfish can you be? It’s sad that you have to turn to the Internet and strangers for affirmation. Get off the Internet and get a real life. Only then will you experience true confirmation of your worth.

Well, she cared. She took the time to read my post, didn’t she?

I smelled Mrs. M in this statement right away based on how it’s worded and the nature of what it says. Then sure enough, I jumped into my tracker report for thoughts.com and found that she did indeed care to read my blog, so that pretty much confirmed my suspicion. She spent over an hour combing my entries shortly before jumping over to MyOpera to pick on me there. She also combed Alison’s Thoughts blog, but I don’t think she dropped any insults on her there. I only allow friends to comment over there cuz I’m not there much, so that’s why Mommy had to run over to MO to insult me. I thank Adonis and others for jumping to my defense like they did. :) But if she can control her daughter from blogging like she has been lately, especially after the threats she wrote about what she’d like to do to her in her sleep, why can’t she control her own behavior as well?

I hate to spoil the fun for those with good intentions, and I know I probably shouldn’t let them control me and that I should leave the door open to their harassment so they can build a case against themselves, but I’m so sick of their shit that I’ve disabled the anonymous comment thing. After all these years I wonder if these people are ever going to leave me alone! It’s totally them coming to me. I haven’t contacted them on any site whatsoever in ages, so why they’re still coming to me beats me. I guess some people just have a lot of hate and anger in them and nothing better to do in life. Well, I don’t need any affirmations, confirmations, pity or approval from anyone, but I can guess just what she needs. I’m sorry, however, that she and her sick offspring won’t get the help they need. Then again, some people are beyond help, aren’t they?

Oh, and if being online is supposedly for those without a life, does that mean she doesn’t have one since she seems to spend enough time on it following people and being rude to them?

First I had just the troll tailing me, then her friend joined in, and then her mom. Who’s next, her sisters? Daddy?

Anyway, enough bitching about these whack jobs. Hopefully, they’ll finally learn to leave me alone and there won’t be any need to mention them again.

MONDAY, MAY 14, 2012
Not wanting to listen to the dogs this morning, knowing they were due to start up any second, and not wanting to be the one to have to take the responsibility of yelling for them to shut up for the measly 10 minutes or so that they’d obey my command, I turned on the sound machine. Really, I wish someone would shoot these fuckers dead. Just shoot them totally dead as hell. But I know that if they did the landlord would suspect us since he knows they bother me, and he would only get two new dogs to replace these within days. Hey, a house in the west without dogs in the yard is as naked as a newborn baby.

I already feel bad for the next people in here, though if they’re from the west they’ll be used to this shit if they aren’t busy letting their own dog(s) bark up a storm. Maryann let us know from the get-go that a dog would be ok if we had one, so they will be allowed to do so.

It usually takes me the better part of a week to lose the weight I pig on over the weekend. Well, I was stunned to find I’m already what I was at the end of last week! Then I remembered I not only restricted myself to taking just Saturday off from my diet and not the entire weekend, but I also picked up some oolong tea for the first time in a while. Of all the foods and drinks said to encourage weight loss, that’s the only thing that’s proven to be true, at least for me. But it’s not like it’ll knock 20 pounds off of me or anything like that.

I’ve really got to quit running. If I don’t get those excruciating cramps, I at least fear I’m going to get them. Running a minute or two to keep my joints strong is fine, but I really need to walk the rest of my workout. It takes longer to burn calories that way but is much easier on these aging joints.

I got the second “I’m sorry” today on Ask. Actually, it was, “I’m sorry Jodi.”

Why do I smell Molly in that one? And why can’t I block unwanted questions from those without accounts? That much really sucks, but if I block her there, she’ll only harass me on other sites and I’m through blocking this and hiding that on account of this one sicko. Obviously, she’s never gonna fuck up bad enough to be put away for more than a few weeks tops since she hasn’t already, so I guess this piece of shit will just be a regular part of my online life till the day I die. Hopefully, I’ll get more breaks from her like the unusually long one I got until I was dumb enough to share the link after joining Ask. I could disable anonymous comments and that would back her off a bit, but I don’t want to deny other anonymous comments just to kick hers out. Also, I’m almost sure that she (and maybe a friend as well) was behind the pretty lady thing. She reads every word I write. Just because she hasn’t appeared on my TIP tracker doesn’t mean she isn’t watching or having someone else copy for her what I post. She knows I like older women and she knows how I spell my name. In fact, she’s one of the few who has always spelled it correctly. I’ve read enough of the shit she’d say about me in her blogs to know this.

Later…

Won a writing contest on thoughts.com and didn’t even know I’d entered in the first place. They were having a Mother’s Day contest and chose 50 people who blogged about Mother’s Day to give T-shirts to. Well, the last thing I need is another T-shirt but it’s still pretty neat that I was one of the ones chosen. Especially since there’s got to be thousands of posts. The only thing is that I didn’t say much about it other than my quick chat with Mom. Maybe the “naked” dream that was part of that entry helped it, LOL. I only post entries in batches over there every few days or so.

Had to shut windows this morning when I got up at 8:00. It’s not cold, but it’s cooler than it has been. I was able to open them back up in a couple of hours and now it’s warm, though barely. It got down to 51° last night and we’re definitely going to have to close windows tonight because we’re going to get down to 49°. By Tuesday we’ll be back in the 80s and averaging lows in the mid-50s.

Although I walked for an hour today, I feel a bit off today. I’m just sluggish instead of being as energetic as I usually am. Been having this problem for a while now. Perhaps it’s time to go back on some vitamins and see if that helps perk me up. Today, though, I feel sluggish and like I don’t want to do much else other than read, write and work out. There’s a strange ache between my shoulder blades, too. So I guess working out gives me strength and stamina but not energy. At least not anymore. Insured or not I don’t ever want to have to see a doctor unless something’s really, really wrong. Too many quacks out there misdiagnosing people, not giving a damn, or telling people they’ve got things wrong with them just to keep them coming back so they can make more money. Sometimes I don’t know which is worse, doctors or lawyers.

The fucking wasps are back, so I’ll have to have Tom see if they’ve been hiving again in their usual places. There was a yellow jacket in the bathroom. Not one wasp was ever caught in the trap we got. It’s just not bright enough. They loved the bright, neon-yellow trap we had back in Oregon, but this was the only one Tom could find at the time. All it has is a strip of yellow tape around it which is worthless. It doesn’t stand out nearly as much as the other one did. So it was a waste of $12.

SUNDAY, MAY 13, 2012
I’m still completely baffled as to who my so-called mystery admirer is. Especially since Becky confirmed it’s not her since she’s been busy with work. So assuming everyone who’s denied it so far has been honest, and I would say they probably have been, that doesn’t leave many “up there in years” women left that I know well enough to be admired by and that writes as well as they do. It could be that they know me better than I know them through reading my journal, or it’s just the troll or someone else playing around that may or may not be up there in years or even a woman. But they know me well enough to know my name and how I spell it.

The dogs were terrible last night. Just absolutely terrible. It’s sad that some people have absolutely no respect and consideration for others, but that’s part of why we’re hoping to get into an adult community. Tom could live anywhere, and being a native of the West, he grew up with all kinds of barking and is used to it. But after 20 years of this shit, I still can’t adapt to it, so all I can do is hope that an adult community enforces the anti-bark laws. Technically it’s illegal to let your dogs bark for hours on end whether you’re home or not, but it’s not a law that’s taken very seriously in many places. Not even my complaining to Jesse directly or a formal complaint lodged against him by whoever is/was behind him could get this cock to take responsibility for the damn mutts when he’s out, so that ought to tell you how hard it is to get any results, especially in the west.

Anyway, just when I was hoping for a record-breaking 6 weeks of quiet weekend nights, off they went when he left at 8:30. Fortunately, I crashed not long afterward, knowing they’d be going off for hours. It usually tapers off around midnight but doesn’t stop till around 3am.

Sounds like the fucking cock’s running something up there now. It’s like he sometimes fires up the motorcycle but doesn’t actually go anywhere like he just wants to be heard or something. Shouldn’t he be in the city if he’s that needy of attention or lonely in any way? Then again he said he couldn’t stand city noise. Ah, but he sure has no problem making others listen to him, does he? Few more months with this cock and we should be gone. I just hope the next place is not only newer and bigger but also devoid of barking. The only way we’ll find out is to hope we can find something affordable enough in some adult community. We looked at the requirements and restrictions and as we figured, only one of you needs to be 55 or older. Even if I wasn’t legally his spouse, I could be as young as 45 and still live with him. Kids are allowed to visit (overnight) two weeks at a time or 90 days a year. I do worry a little about excessive company, mostly from screaming kids that spend most of the time playing outside while mommy visits granny, but again, we won’t know until and if we get there. They also state that noise is forbidden between the hours of 9pm - 7am, and that barking, stereos and other loud sounds are a no-no, but again, that’s supposed to be the case everywhere anyway. Disturbing the peace has always been against the law. The hard part is getting the law to enforce any violators. But that’s just our twisted world for you where some laws aren’t enforced and some are violated like the right to free speech we’re supposed to have.

Other than last night’s barking spree, it’s actually been quieter here overall with fewer loud vehicles and outdoor projects going on. In this climate, people are typically noisier in the winter. Noise isn’t our main reason for moving, though. We mostly want a bigger place that isn’t so old for once. Just to be able to walk around the bed easily enough would be quite a blessing and quite a step up for us in life…until God lets life kick us back down once again instead of protecting us and looking out for us since we’ve already had enough blows to last us 5 lifetimes.

I had moving dreams again, but none that made any sense or told me anything helpful. Most of them took place here as we were preparing to move, but “here” didn’t look like here at all. Here was a huge, old place with space we hadn’t even used. I walked into a room and realized I hadn’t even ever looked into the closet of that room the whole time we lived there. I opened the door to find a long, narrow closet that had once been a small bathroom. I could see the “outlines” of an old toilet. There was also an old door stored in it and I could see where there was once a sink, but nothing else was in it.

The outside looked much flatter than this place actually does and the trees seemed kind of Oregonish.

The place we moved to looked rural. Tom heard someone drive up and he opened the front door and said something like, “The landlord who is hardly ever here is here now.” I then realized I was stark naked. But instead of running into a bedroom for clothes, I ran out the side of the house and headed to another smaller structure of some kind where I seemed to think my clothes were. On the way, I saw a guy sitting in a truck writing something on a clipboard and suddenly I was only partially nude. Now I had on a black jacket but it had no buttons and barely covered my ass. I decided I would tell anyone who asked why I was nude that it was simply because it was Sunday and we weren’t expecting anyone to come around. Then I dove through this strange tube-like thing and into where I was sure my clothes were.

It’s a good thing I didn’t run any longer than I did cuz I started to cramp up even though I guzzled some G2 beforehand. It may also have to do with how much I’ve eaten before I run and how long I’ve been up. I need to eat more and let myself wake up a little more before I run instead of rushing myself as I did.

The weather’s been rather summery. We’ve had the windows open for days. You usually can’t have them open all the time here till mid-June, but maybe we’ll have some cold snaps between now and then.

I called my mom and wished her a happy Mother’s Day. She sounded both good and bad. Less depressed, but still not quite with it. She didn’t even know who I was at first. Tammy’s still there and is leaving next week. That’ll be two months down there – damn!

I still get the feeling that whether there’s a lawyer involved in the will or not, Tammy’s still going to find a way to “rip me off,” so to speak. I also think my parents were/are too trusting of her. I guess a parent simply doesn’t want to accept or admit that one of their kids would do such a thing to another of their kids. Regardless of how or why she does it, it’s just the thing God would let her do too, even though I still don’t think she has nearly as much money as she once did. They spent too much, they probably owe too much, and getting old and dying isn’t cheap.

Tammy planning to cheat me out of my share may be why it was so important to her to patch things up between us a couple of years ago. Maybe she felt guilty at knowing what she was going to at least hope to try to do and maybe she always will. Especially if she manages to pull it off somehow.

Maliheh’s 55 today and still ignoring me even though she has clearly been on Facebook. She changed her profile picture from a cat to an old photograph of a woman who I’m guessing was her mother back when she was younger.

She never picked up the birthday card I sent her via egreetings, unless egreetings either failed to alert me or failed to send the damn thing to her. I let her know in an email to be on the lookout for it. A part of me wonders if she just didn’t want to pick it up because she didn’t want to acknowledge me in the way of the alert, assuming she even knew I’d get an alert. But if she didn’t want me to know she was around, then why did she click into my Thoughts blog a while back which she knew was tracked?

I don’t know what to think anymore, but I’m about ready to give up on her. I’ll still send journals for a while, and then she’ll have to go to my blog herself if she wants to read them. I’m more convinced than ever that she’s playing with me. There’s no way she couldn’t say hi every couple of weeks. Hell, even once a month.

But why? Why is she avoiding me? She’s too outspoken not to tell me if she were pissed at me, so why? Could her feelings have grown deeper than she could deal with? I highly doubt this. She’s never shown an ounce of interest in me. I think she’s just gotten sick of me and I should’ve figured that if she didn’t dump me she’d at least fade away little by little just by the fact that she would never add me on Facebook.

Well, I’m not going to ask her about it. I don’t want to piss her off if I’m wrong, and I don’t want to give her a good laugh if I’m right and she’s sitting there hoping I’ll whine over her long absence.

I know it might’ve been dishonest of me, but I made a couple of comments from her to me on both my blog and Ask (nothing serious) to see if it triggered a reaction from her. As I figured, it didn’t.

I gotta make sure I don’t share this part about Maliheh with Andy lest he slip in public and say anything she might see. I doubt she checks his Ask page, but you never know. I asked him not to mention Nane’s weight in public yet he did, so now I know I have to watch what I tell him.

I also have to watch Sara M. Since allowing anyone to friend me I was added by a woman in her 70s by this name. I asked her in a PM how she found me, but I have a feeling I’m not going to get an answer. I just wonder about some of these seemingly legit and harmless people who add me but never say a word to me. She doesn’t seem like she’s trying to sell anything or a fellow author. In fact, we don’t seem to have anything in common at all, so I don’t know what her story is. It’s just that words like troll, pigs, and black bitches tend to come to mind when any suspicious accounts on Facebook want to add me. Facebook isn’t where you usually get added by strangers and collectors as opposed to blogging and other sites. Sara doesn’t seem like a collector, though, and if it’s the pigs wanting an inside view of my account, it makes sense that they’d pose as an older white female. Couldn’t the pigs just get an inside view in secret, though, from those who work for Facebook?

Sarah, who appears to have always lived in Illinois and has a large family, hasn’t posted anything in 12 hours, so we’ll see if she responds to my message. Her account is only about 6 months old too, about a month after the pigs started nosing into me that I know of.

The more I think about those pig emails, the more I think it may’ve been a scam on the black bitches and black pig’s part, and yeah, shame on me for falling for it. I’m still going to treat it as if it were very real and watch what I say online, but I think it was an attempt to either get me down to Arizona for no reason at all or to extort money from me. If it were about me spamming the black bitch, why would they also send the email to the black pig? He certainly wasn’t spammed. He only got 1 or 2 messages from me. Then again, I still don’t see how or why they’d build a “case” of spam against me for just one person and only a few dozen messages, if even that, that she simply could’ve ignored and marked as spam. I still say that if “Juan D” and his message were for real in any way, she and the black pig fabricated something threatening, though the email to the black pig may’ve also been planted as bait in hopes of getting me to contact him. If it wasn’t them just fucking around. Before we move I’ll make one last check for a warrant on me and then hope to hell it isn’t federal if there’s anything out there even though every time I check there’s nothing. If we got pulled over for a busted taillight and I had a federal warrant out on me, they could then extradite me.

Still don’t know if the pigs or black bitch had anything to do with the hacking of my old Gmail account or my computer, but nothing would surprise me.

The troll has backed off of Aly and I and I’m guessing it could be because I threatened to expose her to mommy, something she no doubt dreads and hates with a passion. I also hinted at exposing her address, though I would never do that again even if it were technically a matter of public info anyway.

Later…

Mary’s release date is now on for September 28th. Damn, less than 5 months to go! It must seem so unreal for her after over a decade of incarceration.

Who is Mary? What did she do? I’ll bet these questions are going through people’s minds as they read this, but even though Mary’s case is “over” and nothing I can say could hurt her in any way (not that I have anything bad to say about her) I’m not going to mention her last name or go into much detail out of respect for her. All I’ll say is that we met down in Arizona and I believe she’s been wrongly and unfairly jailed/imprisoned. She got railroaded by the law like I did only in a different way for different reasons. What ended up happening to her was just what I feared would happen to her, too.

Like I said, I have nothing bad to say about her other than that she could be a bit of a pest at times asking for favors, but I understood and knew I’d do the same thing if I were her and not used to being allowed to do things for myself. Besides, you’re kind of limited as to what you can do on your own for yourself in jail.

It wasn’t that she didn’t do what she was accused of; it was the way they trumped up her charges and made it appear not quite what it really was. Mary’s worst fault was being too kind, too trusting and too forgiving. But as the media often does, they painted her as a cold, uncaring monster. She wasn’t. Mary was one of the most sensitive, empathetic and compassionate people I’d ever known. She was very caring, generous and intuitive. She was smarter and prettier than your average inmate, and although she was religious and against abortion, that didn’t mean she hated gays or tried to cram her way of thinking and believing down the throats of others. She was also a wonderful writer and I owe a big part of my own writing abilities to her as she was the one who set many fine examples for me.

We met on New Year’s Day of 2001 and kept in touch until a couple of years ago. I don’t think she dumped me or lost my address. I think that part of her incarceration at the place she was moved to limited who she could have contact with.

I’m excited for her and her upcoming freedom, though sadly, she’s probably not going to be very “free” for I would guess she’ll be on parole. Well, parole and probation are often little more than just an extension of jail. Believe me, you can be at home in your own bed in your own clothes eating the food of your choice and all that, but still feel like you’re in jail. You are still treated like a child. Almost everything you say and do is monitored and controlled in some way shape or form. I hope she won’t be on parole forever, but given the nature of her charges and what she was convicted of, she may be. I honestly don’t know. I hope to find out more someday. I check every now and then for updates but there hasn’t been anything recent in the news and probably won’t be until she’s released.

Do I want to hear from her? Hmm…still not sure about that. I mean, sure I’d love to. She was a friend. But as I said before, I realize she’s not used to doing things for herself and that after basically having her decisions made for her for most of her life, the poor girl, I don’t want to deal with all kinds of demands. I guess it’ll be up to her. Well, more like up to whatever her parole stipulates. She’s going to be able to learn to do some things for herself, yes, but she’s still going to have to comply with the terms and conditions of her parole. Then again, maybe she won’t have any parole at all and will be free as a bird. I never actually heard anything about any parole after her release. Just that she wouldn’t be released till this year.

I wonder if she’ll look me up online and read my blog whether I do or don’t hear from her. By then my blog should have hundreds of entries with the way I write, assuming I stay on MO. Better yet, where will she go once she’s released? I guess someone in her family will take her.

Later…

I did hear back from Sara M and I wonder how I ended up with my new “accidental” Facebook friend. But of course, so does she. Apparently, she doesn’t remember adding me. She says my name just popped up saying I’d accepted her friend request and doesn’t know how it happened. Yeah, that’s Facebook and its glitches for you. She said she’d understand if I wanted to delete her, but I don’t mind new friends. As I always said, as long as I can be accepted as I am and no one tries to control, change or manipulate me in any way, you’re welcome to be a part of my life. She also said she would check out my profile and get back to me later, but I haven’t heard from her. My blog view count has been unusually high today making me wonder if it really does count outsiders after all. It usually only gets 2-6 hits a day, but today I got 14 hits.

I’m at 0.26% for space so I guess it’s safe to say it’ll be many years before I fill this blog up, even though I’ve been writing like crazy. Especially since hitting writer’s block with the stories. Or maybe I just got bored with it and maybe a little discouraged too, due to lack of sales. Nah, I don’t think I got discouraged. Remember, I was writing long before I became published. I think I’m just having a downtime with that. Happens to the best of us.

Andy said the house next to where he lives got a new dog that wouldn’t shut up yesterday. He asked some girl (though I don’t know why he didn’t go to her himself and assume he must have his reasons) to go talk to the owner and could hear the conversation from his window. The woman said she was training the mutt and that it barks indoors as well. Then after a couple more minutes it was taken inside and hasn’t been back out since. I guess another neighbor who’s dating a cop threatened to call the cops if it continued as well.

Why can’t the West be a little more like the East and why can’t it be that easy for me to get results when I complain on someone for allowing their dogs to bark??? If that were out here, the girl would’ve refused to get involved. Furthermore, it’s unlikely that anyone would call the cops or even threaten to, and had that dog owner been like most people here, she would either go off on anyone who complained, or she would’ve made some lame excuse like the Jes pest did and say there was nothing she could do about it. Lastly, the dog never would’ve seen the inside of her house in the first place, nor would it ever in the future.

Tom did some more sorting of stuff in the shed and got a great idea to grab some plastic storage bins from Walmart each week. It’s a great idea cuz boxes break down, are flimsy, and bugs can get in them easier. It’s not just good for outdoor tools and whatnot, but for inside things as well. Even though we’ll probably have more space overall at the next place, I doubt it will have built-in drawers in its bedroom closets. So we could use these containers for things like office supplies and even some of the dolls I may not care to display but want to hang on to for now.

SATURDAY, MAY 12, 2012
It’s gonna be 90° today. We’ve still been keeping the windows open all the time, though some of the mornings can get a bit nippy in here in the high 60s. As soon as the sun comes up the temp rises fast. Speaking of the sun coming up – when it illuminated the porch yesterday morning I saw that all my wind chimes were shrouded in webs. I think I’ll forget taking them with us and just start a new collection at the new place. Most of them are old, only cost a few bucks, and aren’t worth the effort.

I’m still looking forward to moving but I do have my apprehensions. If we have the slightest doubts about the costs, the neighbors – anything – we’ll just stay in this little old dive. The good thing is that we’re not in a desperate situation here so there’s no need to act in haste or to feel rushed in getting a new place. We can take our time and really do our homework.

This place may have its annoyances but isn’t unbearable. I’m sick of the bathroom waking me up at times, though, like this morning. First Tom turning on the fluorescent light in there caused the sound machine to make this popping sound, then the hot water tank made a loud pop. I actually prefer the other, smaller tank better. First of all, the hot water still runs out just as fast even with this bigger tank. Secondly, it’s louder when it first goes off.

Both bird nests on either end of the porch are occupied. I like the sounds these birds make. Not too loud, not too obnoxious.

Nothing exciting for dreams. Last night, I might’ve lost my handbag, but I think I found it. Then I was in some big building with lots of corridors and I got lost. I asked some chick to show me the way out. She seemed to be in a hurry and asked if I could run. I laughed, knowing I could probably leave her in the dust.

The night before I swam with a bunch of people in a 30-foot-deep pool. It seems I won something too, at some public event.

The OT is picking up again for Tom and he’ll have a 12-hour day to look forward to on Monday. Well, he may not look forward to the hours, but he looks forward to the money. This weekend, though, he has moving preparations to deal with instead. First step is deciding what we’re taking and what we’re dumping or maybe going to try to sell. They have a swap meet around here around Memorial Day. Those are fun. :) What we don’t sell that we don’t want will be left for the Jes pest, I guess.

Two of the possible Janes I messaged confirmed that they weren’t the Jane I was looking for, and Becky hasn’t answered my message asking if she was behind the “pretty lady” comments. But she has been online since, so that makes me wonder if I finally nailed the right person to the wall.

Every now and then I batch post entries to Thoughts that I queue up, and well, my tracker is either completely fucked up or Thoughts is getting hit with a lot of BOTs because Thoughts says I have way more views than my tracker says I have.

Nane says there are many Germans in Spain. I guess it makes sense that they’d retire there like many New Englanders retire to Florida. So that’s two more languages I could speak besides English while Tom would still be stuck with just English, LOL.

I gave Nane the link to a goofy answer I gave on Ask and asked if it was childish enough for her, LOL. She said it was but she still laughed anyway. I guess a couple of her colleagues called out and so she had to do their work, too. Also, they must not believe in air conditioning where she works cuz she complained it was hot and humid and she couldn’t wait to get home and shower. Put an s at the end of showers and you’ve got me lathering her up.;)

Saw Marie’s latest profile picture. She looks like shit. Her hair is way shorter than I’ve ever seen it and it makes her look more like a guy. I still don’t get why so many lesbians want to look like the men they’re not attracted to. It’s a question I’ve been asking myself forever now. Some are naturally masculine, but why go out of your way to enhance what you supposedly find unattractive? If I don’t like a particular style of clothing, the last thing I’m going to do is run out and buy those clothes.

Maliheh switched to a timeline profile on Facebook, so she is still online. I just don’t get why she’s ignoring me. The only explanation I can think of is that she planned this all along and I’ll keep hearing less and less from her till I never hear from her again.

Later…

I was laughing my ass off with Tom earlier when something we bought reminded me of how Nane (and most others for that matter) consider me silly and childish in some ways. You know the old-fashioned bubbles that kids would blow by sticking a stick in a bottle of soap? Well, now they have these high-tech, rainbow-colored bubbles that have a fan attached to a fancy stick and we were curious as to how it worked. So Tom grabbed one when he was at the store since they’re only a few bucks and I said to him, “Do you think this would be childish enough for Nane?” LOL

So we were outside playing with the thing and the landlord probably saw us through the trees, cuz we heard him zoom out on the Harley a minute later. LMAO! No wonder my mom thinks a retirement community is all wrong for me, Miss Loud, Childish and Sociably Unacceptable. But I really can be and am willing to be “normal” for those who will respect my peace in return.;)

Too bad we don’t have rats now. They love to chase things like cats and dogs do and I know they’d have a field day chasing bubbles.

FRIDAY, MAY 11, 2012
Got a Jane update, though it isn’t much at all. I decided to call the King Wah restaurant where she once worked in Klamath Falls, OR. I figured after all these years that whoever answered would be clueless as to who the hell I was talking about. What was funny was that I clearly remembered the waitress who answered the phone once she told me she’d been there 9 years, combined with the sound of her voice.

“You’re tall, thin, and have brown hair, right?”

Yes, she told me but was unable to remember me what with how many people she’s waited on throughout the years. I couldn’t remember this woman’s name at first till she told me it was Linda. She was in her late 40s or so when I last saw her in what was probably early 2007. I last saw Jane in late 2004. When I asked the owner about her back then, I could’ve sworn she said she headed up north to Crater Lake.

Linda asked for my name and number and said she’d call me back. When she did, all she could do was confirm the name and tell me she was now on the East Coast and is on Facebook. But there are so many people with that name! I sent messages to a few of them, but I don’t get the feeling any of the accounts belong to her. There are many without profile pics, but as little as I knew about her, she doesn’t strike me as the type not to have a profile pic. So chances are she’s just not coming up in the search results unless she’s behind the ones with dogs or forests for profile pics. If she elected not to be searchable, then there’s no way I could pull up her account, not that she strikes me as the type to be unsearchable. She actually strikes me as the type who would have an all or mostly public account with tons of friends, but I guess I’ll never know. I gave Linda my name just in case and made sure she had the correct spelling since most people with my first and middle name don’t spell it like I do.

She didn’t tell me what state she’d moved to. All she said was the east coast “last we heard.” So she must’ve either returned to K-Falls at some point, or she’s been in touch with someone there all along.

There is someone with her name in K-Falls on MySpace that’s listed as being 30 years old, but no way. Just no way. She had to be around my age when I saw her, give or take a few years.

So that concludes my highly unimpressive Jane update. Wo ist Sie???

Later…

So now that makes two denials as far as the mystery of whoever’s been referring to me as “pretty lady” on Ask, and who at least seems to know me. It’s not Alison and it’s not Christine. I talked to Christine earlier who’s been pretty busy lately. Actually, 3 denials, since Lori denied knowing about the site.

I thought of non-Facebook friends and looked at my Facebook friend list to get a sense of who’s “up there in years” that might make the comments they’ve made. They said they were a woman who’s always admired me. Assuming it’s those over 40 that would consider themselves “up there in years” that leaves Maliheh, Eileen, Christiane, Irene, Nane, Becky, Cindy, Teri, Sylvia, Jessie, Ellen, Shelley, Maria and a few others. Most of these are highly unlikely. Maliheh and Maria wouldn’t write like this and Irene’s English isn’t that good. It doesn’t seem like anything Cindy, Shelley, Nane, Jessie or Teri would do, and I don’t know Ellen, Sylvia or Christiane that well. That leaves Eileen and Becky as my next guesses. Then again it could be just some random joker, though that’s not the feeling I get.

Heard the Jes pest buzzing around on the ATV and what sounded like a drill running up there, but again it never came down to spray.

THURSDAY, MAY 10, 2012
Lost another pound. The real challenge is going to be controlling myself over the weekend and not putting any of the 6 pounds I lost back on even if 2-3 of them were probably water.

I don’t see how the Jes pest is ever going to get down in the morning to spray if he’s never around in the mornings in the first place.

Nane is sad and angry over how they’re demolishing parts of Turkey in the name of money. I guess it’s become a hot tourist attraction.

Fell asleep earlier last night and slept forever. Like 10 hours, but not all at once. I actually awoke at one point and was deciding whether or not I should get up then when I fell back asleep. I woke up to pee after the first hour and had a dream about Jane. Then I went on to dream about her on and off all night long.

For those who didn’t read about her back when I had my bio posted (though I didn’t have much to say about her), I briefly knew Jane in Oregon. She was a waitress at my favorite Chinese restaurant there. I only saw her a few times since we couldn’t afford to eat there regularly and by the time we could, she was gone. We were still in Tina and Raj’s motel when we first saw her and the instant she laid eyes on me I knew damn well she was attracted to me. I was a little surprised. Not only because I was starting to get older and fatter (38 years old, 130-something pounds), but because she wasn’t half bad herself for what we suspected to be a druggie. Let’s just say there are those who are energetic and then there are those who are bordering on basket cases.

Jane was tall, thin and dark and with another 10-15 pounds on her, she would’ve been pretty damn hot. She had long dark hair to the middle of her back she wore in a ponytail being a waitress and all that. She was about my age. She had dark hair and eyes. She was probably between 5’ 6” – 5’ 8”. Yup, totally my type but probably not relationship-wise, especially if she were doing drugs. She just seemed too wound up and like she may be bossy, insensitive and even a bit mean. At the same time, though, she was a sweetheart and I would’ve loved to have gotten to know her at least a little better had she not left when she did because by then we were settled in the duplex. Figures, huh? So not meant to be.

Still, there was something about Jane, and Jane was attractive regardless of her questionable personality. I only saw her 3 times I think it was. The first time we never spoke and she wasn’t our waitress. She just smiled at me in that way first when she spotted me sitting down at a booth, then again when I was coming out of the bathroom. I thought she’d see how short and fat I was now that she could see all of me standing up and that she would be turned off, but she wasn’t.

The second time she actually waited on us and the first thing she did was thank Tom for bringing me there, LOL. Then when she screwed up my order, she didn’t just apologize, she hugged me. It really was kind of funny.

The third and final time she didn’t wait on us, but every time she walked by she would glance at me and smile or ask me something or make some kind of comment. It was really sweet. On our way out that day, we spoke while Tom paid the bill and I asked her about rentals in the area. She asked if just I was looking or if both of us were looking. I hated to burst her bubble and tell her it was both of us, LOL, but when we next returned, she was gone.

I asked the owner about her and she gave me her full name, saying she’d left the area. I tried looking her up a few times over the years, but the name is actually kind of common. I think there’s even a singer with her name, and Jenny didn’t sound 100% sure of her last name, so I could be looking for the wrong person. She never even knew my first name. I wonder what became of her and if she has any idea I think of her from time to time, even dream of her and that great ass she had, along with Randy the mailman, and Liz the cashier. I even wonder about Estella and Jan at times. I miss some of our old life up there, but I do NOT miss the cold, the snow, the killer taxes, the screwy insurance policies, and the way I had more ear problems there. Something about the elevation, I guess.

I also had my first dream about moving to Europe. I was wondering when and if I’d ever have any. I only remember thinking or saying something about getting as close to England as possible, which makes no sense. I’d never want to live anywhere near the UK. Too cold.

In another dream, Tom and I just moved into a 2-story, 3-bedroom house which suddenly became crowded with tons of young party-goers holding drinks and shouting over loud music that was blasting. I went out to see if our mail had been taken by whatever carrier was in that area, then I realized Tom hadn’t been home in 12 hours. This worried me and I was about to call him when I spotted a peculiar young woman with hair I always thought was too short for a woman. She was licking an ice cream cone. Only the “ice cream” was this clear Jell-O-like substance and inside it was a cluster of crimson flowers.

Later…

Wasn’t sure whether or not I should make this entry public or private so I decided to go in the middle with friends only. The fucking troll is bothering Aly and I again on Ask. She’s hit Andy with a few questions too, but he doesn’t mind the nutjob. Still not blogging publically that we’re aware of, but it’s back to the same old shit on Ask – why are you ignoring me? I’m being nice to you. Don’t call me a troll because I don’t like it!

Then why does she act like one? Because she does like it. There may be no cure or reasoning with the crazy, but they are a bit predictable at times. She thrives off of negative attention and she even admitted in one of her many past blogs that she would deliberately piss people off and get them talking about her and all that cuz she’d get off on it. That’s why I’m not going public with this entry.

shakes head sadly Alison was right. She’ll never leave us alone unless she’s physically prevented from going online. I’d rather she bitch about us in blogs than contact us in any way, though. I think she’s doing it on Ask because she knows she can do it anonymously that way. I almost disallowed anonymous comments on my blog now that she’s back to haunt us, but haven’t I arranged enough of my online life on account of this bitch? Well, I’m not going to let her shit control me anymore! I’ll still protect my friends, though, for their sake. I had a public chat with Nane on my wall, which I switched to friends of friends.

Just the fact that she told Aly she thinks she’s just jealous of her because she’s doing “so well” in life tells us how crazy she truly is. Being jealous of this sicko would be like being jealous of someone who was burned in a fire or something like that. She’s nothing to be jealous of. She’s ugly, she’s crazy, and the only thing she’s got easier than Aly is that her pampered little ass is all paid for and taken care of. She doesn’t need to work. She doesn’t need to pay bills. She doesn’t need to do anything but breathe. That’s the extent of her responsibilities in life. Just existing and pestering people who can see right through her bullshit. If she were doing that well then she wouldn’t feel the need to keep trying to win over those that have dumped her and told her not to contact them for as many years as she has. Really, where is this bitch’s sense of self-respect that she would focus only on those that don’t like her???

WEDNESDAY, MAY 9, 2012
So much for Tom’s theory that my nightmares are mostly confined to when I’m on the rag and sporting some wacky hormones. Last night’s dream goodie was yet another poverty trip. I was all stressed out about not being able to eat till we received the food stamps we applied for. Thankfully, not all my dreams come true! I hope I haven’t become a “long-term” dream premonitioner. Usually, most of the nightmares I’ve had that came true would come true within a few hours to a few days. Hopefully, I’m not “seeing” the less immediate future in my dreams. Actually, I’m kind of hoping the dream premonitions have stopped altogether which would mean those Florida dreams really didn’t mean anything after all and were just a reflection of the fact that Florida was on my mind at the time. Especially since I’ve decided that I really want to leave this country someday. Yeah, Tom and I were actually talking about it.

I am saddened, sickened and disgusted by the state of North Carolina for banning gay marriage and civil unions, and I’m sure a certain someone I know who lives there must be equally ashamed at the hate that still fills so many hearts in this world. This is the one group that people just can’t seem to quit picking on. All other groups have been widely accepted a long time ago, some of which now have extra rights, freedom and privileges than anyone ever had and who have continued to take advantage of all that’s been given to them because enough is never enough for some people. How fucked up is that? Seriously, this is the kind of hate and discrimination that would occur 100 years ago! I can’t believe this kind of sick sadistic shit is still going on in 2012, and just the fact that it is tells me it will never end and things will never get much better for gays if they haven’t already. In fact, it will probably only get worse as other states that already allow gay marriage or civil unions strip gays of their rights there as well. It’s not mostly about religion or justice, it’s about power and control. But like it or not, right or wrong, some things have gone on too long not to be obvious. It’s obvious that gays will never be able to marry nationwide despite the fact that it doesn’t hurt anyone, and one shouldn’t be making another’s personal decisions for them anyway.

It’s also obvious that this country isn’t going to stop giving away our money to countries that experience poverty or natural disasters or even that threaten to attack us if they haven’t already done so. Oh, and let’s not forget the fact that the government was perfectly prepared to let my husband and I starve to death had he not gotten the job he got with miraculous timing.

I’m not at all proud to be an American anymore given the overall state of this country. No country is perfect, but I am definitely getting sick of being here and I welcome a radical change. It may have to wait a decade but the seed has been planted, research has been set into motion, and I fully plan to do my best to make my new dream a reality so long as no circumstances beyond my control arise to stop me.

Nane cracked me up when I asked if they sell pet rats in Europe. She said sure, and they also have electricity and cold and hot tap water, LOL. She also said they tend to treat dogs better than kids. Oh goodie. Maybe the kiddies of Europe are actually taught manners and discipline unlike they have been here for the last 30 years or so, and maybe most dogs actually get to live indoors as household pets there, too. I suppose the dog situation may vary in different parts of Europe like it does in different parts of the U.S.

She doesn’t like dogs or horses, not because she has anything against animals, but because she got bit by both as a kid. I was afraid of dogs for a while too, after being chased down the street by one in Longmeadow. I don’t like horses either, but for a whole different reason that few know about.

I couldn’t stand to live in Germany or England where it’s too cold and gets snow. I think most of the places there are ugly as hell too, much like New England. A lot of the architecture of the buildings in Spain is beautiful, though. I realize it’s a matter of opinion, but I also like the idea of being in a tropical climate and in a place that speaks Spanish. I also realize that a lot can change in the next 11 years. Most of my friends currently reside in Europe but maybe it won’t be that way in 11 years. They’re not the only reason I’d consider living there, of course, but as Tom pointed out, there are other options besides Florida. The idea is to keep our minds open to various possibilities. I would still take Florida over NorCal or the desert, but the more I think of Spain, the more I like the idea.

I always said I would have laughed my ass off had I known back east that I would one day live out west. Well, I’d have laughed a whole lot harder had I known my future husband of all things and I would discuss the possibility of leaving the U.S. altogether. It’s too bad I don’t like apartments. They’ve got some gorgeous-looking ones over there. But if we can really one day afford to move there, then we should be able to afford to rent a house because I would still prefer not to be attached to anyone.

Later…

I only slept a little over 4 hours and so I was sluggish this morning. A couple of cups of coffee, some chicken wings, a yogurt, a protein bar and some electrolyte-enhanced water gave me a burst of energy. After my initial run, I tired down again and so I lay down. I finally convinced myself I would feel better once I got the housework out of the way. So after creating a freshly vacuumed and dust-free bedroom, I did the dishes and perked up. Watch, I’ll end up being up forever tonight. Either way, I’ll probably sleep longer to make up for it. I wish that damn Jes pest would stop talking about it and just get the damn spraying done he keeps mentioning.

The pest came ATVing down yesterday but didn’t come to the door. I went outside and asked if anything was wrong. He said that’s what he wanted to ask me after he came around from the back. I’d call him, damn it, if anything were wrong! Doesn’t he know that by now? Fucking dumb ass cock. Anyway, that was when he said he’d be down over the next couple of days to spray Round-Up. I told him that was fine since I’m on days now.

It’s been desert-dry and gorgeous. Quieter too, with fewer saws, loud vehicles and barking, though the Jes pest must be going somewhere in the mornings since I hear scattered barks from 8:30 on throughout the next hour or two.

We’ve been able to leave the windows open at night lately and I wonder if we should blow the heater’s pilot out for the summer, and hopefully forever for us. With our shit luck, we’d have one more cold snap if we did, though we could always heat with the oven or portables if we had a few more cold nights. Eh, we’ve got plenty of propane and while we shouldn’t run out, we also don’t want to have that much left over when we move because then we’re basically paying for someone else to heat, shower, and cook for a while.

I have a new exercise routine where I burn the initial 50 calories by running. Then I walk and read till I’ve fried 120 calories total. Then on and off throughout the remainder of my day, I make 6 30-calorie runs, bringing me to a total of 300 calories burned for the day. It’s less boring that way. This takes a total of just under 40 minutes.

Made a book sale in Germany just when I thought either something was wrong or Amazon was ripping me off. I sure do seem to be popular with those Germans, don’t I? LOL Speaking of them, I tried to convince my wonderful GF to join Ask but she said don’t get pissed but it’s “stupid” and “childish.” LOL, yeah, I can see where she’d think that. There definitely are a lot of immature idiots there.

So I wasn’t imagining it when I thought she looked a bit heavier in the picture her SIL posted to her wall like she was bloated with water before her period or something. She did say that ever since she met Askim she’s been gaining weight and has gone from 62 kilos to 67 kilos. That’s 136 pounds to 148 pounds. On a five-eighter, that’s still not too bad, but it’s probably why she deleted the picture. She said please don’t laugh but she went to the doctor to see if anything was wrong with her since she hasn’t changed her eating habits or anything, but he said everything was fine.

Nothing to laugh at. It’s actually quite common to gain weight upon entering a relationship. Tom made me fat, but not as fat as quitting smoking and passing the 30-marker did. And of course the 40s have made it worse, and well, I’m almost afraid to think of the 50s!

Kim’s obsession with roleplaying and impersonating celebrities like Geoff Fox, Barbara Eden and Ted Wass has really gotten out of hand and taken a new twist from what Alison just told me. Roleplaying is fine. It’s one thing to play pretend games for fun, even if 32 is a bit old for that sort of thing. But it’s another to lie about it not just to the fans you’re conning, but to your friends as well. Aly tried to get her to own up to it, but she wouldn’t, and when she’d start to it was in a very half-assed sort of way.

So last night, without telling Aly, I created a fake Twitter account, knowing she’d know it was me if I resurrected my old one, and requested to be added to her protected “Ted Wass” account. I can’t believe how stupid some people are, though, especially this chick named Cindy! And what kind of celebrity would have a protected account? Anyway, just as Aly said, “Ted’s” tweets were so Kim. Many of her “followers” were her other protected celebrity account including one account where she’s actually herself.

I remember her once telling me about her “alters” in the past and I thought she was just joking at the time, but Aly and I wonder if maybe she isn’t exactly lying but truly believes in her mind that she really is these people. Like maybe she’s got multiple personality disorder or something. When we first met she talked of a local celebrity (a meteorologist I think) and of speaking with him and how he rudely hung up on her when she called, and just the way she spoke about calls and letters gave me the impression at first that she personally knew the guy. She also includes celebrities in many of her silly and childish stories that are so poorly written I can’t stand to read them other than to get a good laugh. I know it may sound awfully mean of me, but I’m just being honest. So honest that I will make this part of my journal private and only share it with my utmost of closest friends.

So anyway, I basically confronted her in a tweet saying she was a lazy CT woman in her 30s who lived with her mother and was not Ted Wass. She believes I was connected to Molly and Sarah, so she deleted her 4 Ted accounts and turned around and created new ones (we figured she would), and is pretty freaked out.

Where it really gets strange is with Cindy. Well, Aly, who has her own connections to the FBI being that she works as a hacker preventer for part of the military’s strategic defense team, checked her out and found that Cindy’s an FBI agent living in Illinois. It’s kind of scary that an FBI agent would not only be so obsessed with celebrities in her own way but would also be dumb enough to fall for Kim’s shit. I mean, they were talking about meeting and vacationing together! Another thought that hit me was the possibility that the FBI could be checking Kim out due to all the impersonating she’s been doing.

Because Aly felt bad for those she was deceiving, she reported her to Twitter last night. But unless Kim actually does get in trouble for it, though to my knowledge she’s not breaking any laws so much as Twitter’s policy on impersonations, or is physically prevented from going online, she’ll probably always have dozens of phony accounts going at once. Not sure what she gets out of it, though I can only guess that due to weighing what’s got to be around 300 pounds and not having a job or a life given her weight and diminished mental capacity, she’s very lonely. This is probably her only way of getting any real attention and feeling special. The girl’s probably never even been kissed let alone laid, and she’s not getting any younger, thinner or smarter.

Anyway, as soon as she saw my tweet where I blurted the truth, she unfollowed me and shut down her accounts. Well, after she tried to convince Cindy that she really was Ted Wass. She tried to bullshit people on Facebook later on and insist it was just a “fan site” in her usual 10 million status updates and it was too bad people couldn’t read and didn’t know better.

I was surprised she went to Aly about it. I thought the whole idea was to deny she was behind those accounts, so when she told Aly what I said I was kind of surprised. When Aly asked if I were behind it I was quick to admit it. I wouldn’t have gotten involved, though, had I known Cindy was with the FBI, assuming that’s not some kind of delusion as well. I just hate to get implicated in an investigation of any kind, though I still can’t see the FBI investigating Kim for pretending to be someone else. If she were pretending to be a cop, yes, but Ted Wass and all the others?

Despite insisting people should’ve read and known better, Cindy clearly asked her if she was for real or not yet Kim still claimed to be Ted. Aly and I both agreed to regard her as just a casual friend from here on out since she’s obviously not trustworthy. She’s not bad enough to delete, but definitely one to use caution with. Even Aly said she feels closer to me than to her despite the fact that they’ve been cyber buddies for 7 years. It’s been 4 years since Aly jumped out at me on Kiwibox to comment on one of my stories. In many ways, it feels like we’ve actually met. I can picture her and imagine how she’d look and sound based on photos I’ve seen of her and the way she writes. As I told her, she may not be my funniest friend, but she’s not too serious either, and she’s definitely one of the smartest. Very intuitive and able to sense and figure out things most people couldn’t. After associating with so many people who believe cat burglars steal cats and hijackers jack cars up high to be repaired, it’s a nice breath of fresh air. She and I have really grown close. She’s one of the few I’d take off the streets if she were homeless. I was really scared for her at times back when she was battling cancer. Then when I had that dream I was crying because she died I was really freaked out. It would’ve been a sad and terrible loss. But she kicked ass and won and now, as she said is the case with me, I have a friend I can tell anything to and know that I’ll still be accepted despite being different in some ways. :)

I got a kick out of how much she likes my singing, something I always considered just so-so and that Nane didn’t really care for, on LJ. She said she’s always been turned on by husky voices and loves the raspiness and breathlessness of my voice. rolls eyes Yeah, that same raspiness I’ve always wished I could lose. All these years later and I still sound like a fucking smoker.

TUESDAY, MAY 8, 2012
It was nice hearing from Nane today. :) And just as nice that I understood the parts she wrote in German. I only had to look up one word. So mist means crap in German, LOL. How did she and Maliheh manage to swap shoes like they have anyway? Where I used to hear from Maliheh regularly but hardly from Nane, now it’s the other way around.

I guess the cure for weight loss is just to do a journal entry bitching about it because I went down two pounds. Yeah, I took it easy on the food and worked out yesterday but I think the last of the period bloaties went away and what I really lost was water. My tummy is much flatter today than it was yesterday. Dieting and exercising and losing 2-3 pounds during the week isn’t the hard part. The hard part is not caving in and pigging out on weekends. If I could stop doing that I’d be thin in just a few months.

I just wonder how the hell a size S can be loose on a blimp like me, LOL. My new size S bra is fine, but my size S panties are a bit big, and of course getting a size L thong was a dumb idea, but I still love the feel of the spandex and how no panty lines show through my shorts. They fit like a second skin even though I should’ve gotten size S or M.

Since my “pretty lady” fan hasn’t identified herself, I’d say it’s likely that it’s just someone messing around with me that I don’t know. The game was fun at first, but I’m fast losing interest at this point.

It’s now totally official as far as Tom’s job goes. :) He signed all the papers yesterday. The only bad thing is that he’s not getting a raise. He might in 90 days, though. We’re just glad he’s an official employee! The person who handles the insurance thing won’t be back till next week, though, so it won’t be until then that we know how much that will cost. It is going to be so nice being paid for holidays and vacation time! He’s also eligible for certain bonuses like a paid day off for every month he works, floating holidays, etc. The best part is that assuming he works there till he retires we should be looking at a minimum of 50K from the 401K plan.

Since we could get a sizeable amount of money when he retires, Tom pointed out that it doesn’t have to be Florida we retire to and that there are other options to consider – rural places in the desert of Nevada, Cali, New Mexico and even other countries. As soon as he said that I got to some heavy thinking and thus a seed was planted. One I don’t expect to ever grow, but it sure makes for a fun thought, and that would be Spain. :) That was the first thing that came to mind. The weather’s still nice there, but maybe not so nice that it invites 6” spiders to live there, and Spanish is my favorite language and my second best one, too. Well, third best if you want to count the sign language. I’d love to live, breathe and eat the language! Poor unilingual Tom, though, LOL. He’d be as lost as I would be at a math expo. His first choice would be Australia if we didn’t remain in the U.S. cuz it’s got desert areas and they speak English there (boring!). I don’t want to go back to the desert (though it’s better than a cold climate) cuz of the way it dried the hell out of my skin no matter how much lotion I’d use), and it’d be boring to always speak English. Living in another language, to me, would be part of the fun, though I suppose that’s a chilling thought for most Americans who only know one language and that’s usually English. My next best language is Italian but I don’t know that I’d want to live with such conservative people, and it snows in Germany, so that’s out.

Doing a tour of Europe would be fun since Europe as a whole is so much smaller than the U.S. We could do a backward C and see friends in Norway, then Mitch in Wales, Adonis in the Netherlands, my German friends, then maybe Irene before we swung back over to Spain. My French isn’t that good but I wouldn’t mind seeing the Eiffel Tower in France.

It’s almost 1000 miles from Valencia to Munich but only 655 from Barcelona to Munich. I’d love to live in the Barcelona area cuz then we’d be closer to more countries besides Portugal (France, Italy, Switzerland, etc.) But it will depend on the weather, if you can get pet rats, and the retirement situation. If all the retirees there leave Whiskey and Brandy outside 24/7, then forget it. We might be better off not getting a dog of our own if this is even remotely possible cuz the thing could still be alive in 11 years. We also have to consider and research what kinds of people we could be dealing with there. Just the annual Running of the Bulls makes me wonder who would do such crazy shit, LOL. Mexico’s Day of the Dead would be more fun.

I wouldn’t mind dumping all our stuff and just taking some clothes and the bare necessities since I like newer things anyway. Well, by then most of our stuff will be pretty old if not close to it, so since I like new things anyway, it wouldn’t kill me to part with our stuff.

I checked and they do have retirement communities. Like I said, I don’t mind renting all my life, but I will never again do the attached living thing if I can help it. Or live in the mainstream unless it’s in a rural setting where I can get some serious footage between the neighbors and us.

MONDAY, MAY 7, 2012
Whoever’s been referring to me as “pretty lady” on Ask never returned after saying I could be right or wrong on guessing they’re Christine, so maybe today they’ll confirm or deny my guess.

But if it is Christine then why hasn’t she replied to the last email I sent her? There hasn’t even been much activity on her Facebook account. It doesn’t seem like anything Maliheh or Nane would do, so I guess that leaves Eileen, though my first guess is still Christine.

The net was down earlier, but now that it’s back up, hopefully it will stay up. Plenty of warmth and sunshine is in store for us this week, and let me guess…plenty of noise from Jesse too, right?

Had to give Tom the new keyboard and take my old one back because it wouldn’t allow my screen saver or blackout corners to kick in. It may be a pain to have to unplug and replug this one at times, but at least it works.

The internet is still going in and out, so I can’t post any of my journal entry yet. I have a bad feeling it’s going to be a regular problem once again. I’m just amazed we went so long before they started fucking with us again. It will be so nice to be not only back with cable but with more than one internet provider to choose from. That’s probably why this one is so fucked up; because they know we can’t dump them for someone else unless we move. I’ll try to post them as soon as they’ll stay connected long enough to let me.

Last night I had ok dreams and even a funny one, but the two nights before last I had anything but fun dreams. The kind I wake up from hoping isn’t a sign of bad things to come. Tom thinks it was just because I was on my period and that changes in hormones can cause such things. After all, certain medications and foods can cause nightmares. It does seem that that’s when I get stuck in jails, motels, and poverty, and now I’m tripping over skeletons. Yeah, that was the creepiest dream. I was alone with a body bag with my dad’s skeleton in it even though he was cremated in real life. I wanted to get out of the room, but in order to do so I had to climb over the body bag. In doing so I tripped over part of the bag and then I could see his foot sticking out. The bones of his foot didn’t look right, though my dream self seemed to think they did.

In another bad dream, I was showering in jail. I was the only one in the shower room at the time and had just soaped up my legs so I could shave. In jail, you press a button to turn the spray on and it automatically shuts off in 5 minutes. Well, when I went to press the button after it turned off it wouldn’t come back on again. So I had to dry off with soapy legs.

In the last bad one I remember, I said something to Tom like, “So we’re not going to be able to buy groceries till the 13th, right?” The 13th was only 4-5 days away in the dream, but negative money dreams always depress me cuz I know we’re gonna be poor again sooner or later. I figure if it can happen as many times as it has, it can happen again. Age and hard work don’t always seem to matter or protect one from tough times.

In one of last night’s dreams, I dreamt it was nighttime and I woke up to pee. I felt nervous as hell because I remembered that we could’ve sworn we saw a huge spider earlier in the day.

Then there was this dream where we were in a small one-bedroom house. It was square-shaped and simple; bedroom and kitchen to the left, living room to the right. Tom was reading the paper in a recliner. I looked out the window behind him and could see houses closely set. In the one next to us, 3 or 4 adults (one carrying a screaming toddler) were hanging out by a large pickup. I could hear the crying all the way into the kitchen on the other side of the house. So that much I didn’t like, but we must’ve been planning to travel somewhere because I was talking about making sure to leave the rat enough food to last a week.

The funniest dream was that some reality show secretly arranged for me to meet all my cyber friends. I don’t know what the show was about or why I was going to be on it, but as I was making my way toward the stage I saw a woman who looked remarkably like Christine. The show’s hairstylist was fussing with her hair. Then I was on stage being interviewed by the host. I don’t know what was being said, though. Suddenly a light was shone upon the audience which had since been nothing but a sea of black as the lights were shining only upon the stage before. That’s when I began to recognize my cyber friends sitting in the front row, though I don’t remember everyone I saw other than Christine. Maybe Mitch and Adonis were next to her, but I woke up before my eyes finished scanning the entire row.

Now that we’re back to having to play net games that’ll probably go on for quite a while, if not the rest of our time here, I won’t be online as much. IDK, maybe it’s a sign I should get back into my writing.

Later…

Ok, it’s official. I am officially bored out of my fucking mind. Yet it’s not like there isn’t anything to do. I just don’t feel like doing anything. I can’t bring myself to work on any unfinished stories and I can’t seem to interest myself in the idea of starting a new one.

I cleaned the kitchen, worked out, played around on Ask, and studied languages a bit, but that’s about it. Other than thinking ahead to the move and wondering where we’ll end up and what it will be like there, I’m not sure which pisses me off more, my vision or my weight.

I first started noticing signs of farsightedness in my mid-30s. By 40 I was in my first pair of reading glasses but I only needed them for reading books. By 43 I needed them for working on the computer as well but could still see off in the distance. Now at 46, I can’t see shit and am badly in need of bifocals. At 46! Who the hell needs bifocals at 46? I really thought that was more like a 50s or 60s thing, but I’m so blind. Going to stores is hard. With or without glasses I can’t see past a few feet away from me. People’s faces are so blurry I can barely make out if they’re frowning or smiling. Even with my glasses on I still have to get relatively close to things not only to read them but just to be able to tell what the hell it is. It’s gotten so bad that even distinguishing certain objects is difficult. For the most part, I can’t see anything unless I have my glasses on and get up close to things. But my friend Andy is 4 years older yet has single-vision lenses, so why is it that I’m in need of bifocals this young??? I know I’ll never get progressive lenses again. They’re too “dizzying.” They give the appearance that things are moving and you have to tilt your head and focus your eyes on just the right spot in order to read something on a large monitor such as my computer screen, for example. They suck shit.

As for my weight, that too has changed. It used to be that I struggled to lose weight. Now I’m struggling to keep from gaining it. Yeah, I get a little carried away on weekends, and no, one doesn’t have to literally eat like a pig to gain weight at this age, but I do take it easy most days. So should trying to keep it off be this hard? I realize some of it could be muscle weight since my clothes aren’t that much tighter, but it still makes me wonder. I feel like I’m more bloated than ever right now. This has been going on for a while now and my stomach is usually pretty flat what with all the crunches I do. I wish I could muster up the willpower to cut calories even more but that’s been easier said than done and I’m not sure why. Maybe it really is that hard putting up with the constant hunger and fatigue and that’s why most people are heavy, especially older people, or maybe I just don’t care enough. If I did, wouldn’t that help me eat even less? I wish I were as obsessed as I was in my teens and 20s, thanks to my mother taunting me about my weight and overall appearance as she would because faster metabolism or not, I sure had an easier time losing it and keeping it off back then. But insults just don’t hurt a 46-year-old like they can a 16-year-old and even a 26-year-old. We tend to care less what others think as we age and where I would feel hurt over someone putting down my appearance when I was young, now I have that I-don’t-give-a-shit attitude and would tell someone not to look if they didn’t like what they saw.

While I may be blind as a bat and look 4 months pregnant, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with me. I’m not in any pain or having any other obvious problems, so I guess this, along with the thinner, drier skin, gray hair, barely existent sex drive, and other things, are just part of aging. Ah, such a fascinating and horrifying experience all in one!

SUNDAY, MAY 6, 2012
A Muslim on Ask that I thought Andy would be attracted to has proven to be the hater that so many of them are. Really, if they hate Americans so damn much, then why do so many of them come here? I dislike Muslims right along with Andy but while I understand why so many people hate Muslims, I don’t understand why so many are fond of blacks. If you’re going to hate the haters, why hate just some of them? Why not hate the “bully breeds?” Why do we make exceptions for some just because they had it rough in the past? We’ve all had it rough in the past in some way shape or form. There are assholes in every group, but the ratio is way, way off in a few of them and it’s kind of scary how many people are blind to this fact. I don’t know if it’s by choice or they just don’t get it or what.

Racism is as over-addressed as Britney Spears is overrated. I’m sick of them whining and complaining no matter how much we give them. We give them so many extra rights and protection that pretty much guarantees them immunity to certain things like being charged with hate crimes, yet all they do is bitch and moan. Enough is never enough for some people. And no, blacks do not make up for most of the population in jail, contrary to popular belief. I should know. I think they used to but ever since the shit went down with Rodney King, they’ve been getting away with all kinds of shit despite numerous studies that show they’re more prone to violence and crime than whites. I don’t know if it’s cuz they just can’t get over the past or if it’s got something to do with the chemical makeup of their bodies/brains, but I’ve seen enough of these studies not to believe the stats.

And why are we so hypocritical as a whole? We bitch and complain that all the Mexicans want to do is migrate to the U.S. and jump on welfare at the expense of those who work hard. But then why do we allow them to come here and why do we hand them out a free ride in life when they do get here? Really, what’s the matter with people???

We can hang our heads in denial thinking we’re “avenging” the past for blacks even though there’s no one left alive that had a hand in slavery, but giving any group an extra bag of rights doesn’t make life any fairer than it does to deny rights from another group.

Blacks can exclude us from their pageants and many other things while we can’t exclude them. They can lie and say we called them racial slurs when they happened to get pissed at us for whatever reason or they just don’t get their way with whatever and know they’ll automatically be believed. They can fabricate evidence against us to make us look bad without a care in the world or even realizing the long-term damage it can do to us.

Well, I can’t guarantee the world will ever be a fair place to live in, but I can guarantee something else. In the year 2000 one didn’t have an abundance of information readily at their fingertips like they do these days, say if they want to investigate their rights or something. Therefore, no perfect stranger will ever again don a little black robe and sit in judgment of me if I am not A, totally guilty of whatever I’m being charged with, and B, it’s because of something I’ve actually done and not something I just said or am accused of saying. That much I can guarantee.

Ok, enough said about the subject for now. I just need to get things off my chest every now and then and express my opinions from my own observations/experience, though personally, I am sick to death of the subject.

We spent $140 at the store yesterday but it was all in groceries except for a couple of cards for Mom (Mother’s Day and her birthday), and one of those perfume body sprays I love so much.

Later on, we’ll be going to Target. That’s always a fun place to go even if they’re not as cheap as Walmart.

Later…

Spent about an hour browsing through Target. We got me a new keyboard since my other one kept going on and I’d have to replug the damn thing. This one’s wireless and it’ll take a little getting used to since I keep hitting the cap lock key. A few other things aren’t where I’m used to them being either.

My “pretty lady” commentator has offered a hint as to who they are, so I’m waiting to see who, on my long list of suspects, they could be. Guess they may not be so random after all.

Actually, they just said they’re an older woman and have always admired me and that I know them pretty well. In that case, Christine is my first guess based on that info and how well they write. I don’t think Eileen or Nane would have the time to check in this regularly, and it doesn’t seem Maliheh’s style. Christiane and I definitely don’t know each other well and this doesn’t seem like something she would do either. I highly doubt it’s Nane cuz the apostrophe didn’t look funny like hers usually does.

Anyway, until I hear back from them, I also got a new sports bra in hot pink that I’ll wear just for working out, a black pair of panties, a silky thong, and a pair of bunny slippers that are so cute. I was surprised they were in the women’s section and that they fit since most women’s slippers tend to be too big on me.

SATURDAY, MAY 5, 2012
I slept great. I was still up 18 hours, but slept for 10 and only woke up only once along the way. This helped make up for being short the last few times.

Not sure what sucks more, Kim’s deception or Molly’s return. Playing the joke Alison played on me on Ask was one thing because she never tried to tell me she was someone other than who she was along the way and she eventually owned up to the joke. So that was fine. But now that she’s confirmed Kim’s making up bogus celebrity accounts on Twitter, well, this is clearly a case of her pretending to be someone she’s not and then denying it when confronted. Maybe this is her only fault in the world, but it would still be enough to dampen my trust in her. If she can deceive someone about this, she could deceive someone about other things, couldn’t she? Just what is it she thinks she gets out of doing this anyway???

I couldn’t stand to follow Kim on Twitter even when she was herself because of all the over-tweeting. It would often take her 15 tweets just to say something that should only take 1 or 2 tweets like it was so hard for her to stay within the character limit or something.

Either way, I can understand how/why Aly would feel hurt. This is someone she’s called a friend for 7 years now that’s bullshitting her.

I’d say I’m now 95% sure it’s Molly who’s been asking Andy, Aly, and me weird/rude/lame questions on Ask. The questions are getting more Mollyish by the minute. sighs I knew she would be back to haunt us and that I should have known better than to post the link so freely to this new account and that just because she hasn’t been showing up on TIP doesn’t mean she isn’t following my every blog.

But yeah, she’s getting more obvious. Like how she asked Andy how he is, then asked why he was so mean when he said it was a dumb question. Today she asked if he met me and she’s one of the few that spells my name right. Calling Aly and I bitches is also very Mollyish, and where she really slipped up was by calling Aly a nickname that only she knows about. Oh, and she gave me an “I’m sorry,” too, which again seems Mollyish. She goes back and forth between bothering people and then apologizing for it.

I don’t get the lack of blogs, though. She’d never hide any blogs of hers cuz that’d defeat the whole point. The purpose of blogging, to her, is to write us “letters” expressing how much she hates us for all the imaginary things she thinks we’ve done wrong to her. The lack of appearance on TIP can be explained by a lot of things. She could have her cookies turned off or be at the library.

But if she’s being prevented from blogging, then why isn’t she being prevented from harassing us on Ask? And if she isn’t being prevented from bothering us on Ask, then why isn’t she back to blogging?

Just to fuck with Molly I sent Aly an anonymous question (she knows it’s me, though) admitting it’s Molly and Sarah that’s been picking on her. Sarah’s her friend. Anyway, Aly answered by saying that admittance was the first step toward recovery. The second would be to smash her computer or throw it out a window, LOL. Great answer! I can’t wait till Molly reads her “confession.”

Andy said the purpose of Ask is to be asked questions. He’s right. But I know from past experience that the more attention you give this troll, the more of a problem she can become. I don’t want to give this nutjob the attention she craves so I may consider blocking anything that seems to be from her. It will depend on how often I get them.

I really wish she’d just kill herself or make real those fantasies she once wrote about having about killing her parents in their sleep so she can end up locked up for the rest of her life!

Tom won a paid day off, a $25 gas card, and a $50 Target card at work! They had a raffle at a meeting he attended with about 40 others who work in the building. You definitely can’t win this with your own business! About 4 or 5 others won something, too. He won the biggest prize, though. So we’re going to Walmart today and Target tomorrow. :)

The Jes pest flew around on its ATV and over-bleached the tanks again so I could end up smelling like a bleach factory after my shower. Wonder what it’s going to beat, bang and build next that I’ll have to listen to?

I asked someone who lives in Florida about any big spiders she may’ve seen there and did not like what I was told, even though it makes sense that they would have huge spiders. They all like to be where it’s warmer. So she told me stories similar to my own nightmares I experienced in Arizona. Maybe it’d be best to stay here. This is a seasonal climate but the winters are mild compared to places that have real winters.

I don’t want to go back to posting on Thoughts every day due to all their glitches, but I may use their queue posting to catch up once a week or so over there when the site isn’t as slow as it normally is.

Someone on Ask told me English is mandatory for students in Germany. No wonder so many Germans seem to speak English. I knew it was mandatory in India, but I didn’t know it was there, too.

There was a picture of Nane and her brother on her wall at his birthday party. It’s the first picture I’ve seen where she almost looks fat. Like she’s all watery and bloated before her period or something. Loved the top she was wearing, though. Anyway, I can see where she would weigh more than me.

THURSDAY, MAY 3, 2012
I’ve noticed a couple of odd coincidences lately. One is baffling and the other is a bit disturbing. The one I don’t get is why I’ve not only had so many dreams lately pertaining to Florida, but so many books and movies I’ve read and seen lately seem to take place there as well. It’s a weird coincidence that makes a person like me who doesn’t believe in coincidences do some wondering. Is something trying to tell me something? If it is, then it’s something I don’t know or can’t see because there’s no way we could move to Florida anytime in the foreseeable near future. Tom’s job is going too well to just throw away, but at the same time, we don’t have enough saved that would make me comfortable enough to make a long-distance move. Maybe when he retires. Right now I don’t want to do anything that could upset the good trend we’ve been on since last fall all in the name of being in a warmer climate.

It was cool yesterday and will be semi-cool today, but then it’s back up into the 80s.

From the smell of things outside last night, I’d say a very pissed-off skunk has once again visited Whiskey up the hill and has given him another nasty shot in the face - HA HA HA HA!!! AFTER he was just given a bath. Thank God for hot fudge incense. :) I’m beginning to wonder if this skunk may make a game of it, and every time it gets pissed off it’ll go take it out on Whiskey. Or maybe it’ll pick on Brandy. LMFAO! What more could a skunk ask for as far as target practice goes than a couple of tied-up dogs? ROTFL!

As for the coincidence that’s starting to concern me a bit, saying that I’m a jinx to every site I join (or return to) is no joke. I really, literally do seem to jinx them all! Or is someone fucking with me? I doubt that much because others have the same problem after I “jinx” a site. No site may be perfect all the time, but MO was just fine when I returned to it a few days ago and now it’s sluggish as hell. It’s also ironic that while it may not be perfect, Thoughts has sped back up a bit now that I’ve left there.

MyOpera’s internal hit counter is definitely not a unique hit counter, definitely not tracking me, and definitely not tracking outsiders based on the tests I’ve done. Still, I’m getting a surprising amount of views over there. I wonder how many of them are spambots. There’s no way to know, though, if it’s 20 members that viewed my blog today, for example, or 2 members that each viewed it 10 times.

I’m not surprised Andy and I have already gotten some rather strange and even rude “questions” on Ask since the site is full of kids, but a couple of them make me wonder if Molly could be behind them. I asked Alison what she thinks and if she’s heard from her at all lately or has noticed any new activity on any of her accounts. I’ll admit the “are you a lesbian” and my account belonging to a “fat old woman” and the “who r u” seem a bit out of character for her. But Andy’s questions, “how are you” and “why are you so mean,” along with the “will you be my friend” and “why are you a nosy bitch” that I got, could be her. We know she’s delusional enough to think I’m “nosing” into her business, and it just doesn’t seem like a question a stranger would ask. No “pretty lady” comments in a few days either.

I deactivated my Twitter account cuz I got sick of the promoted shit being forced on me. It’s like having my timeline spammed and it was escalating in frequency, too. I also find it a waste of time and just wasn’t using it very much.

Speaking of Twitter, well, Alison started a secret blog that she’s only sharing with me and a few others. She suspects that Kim not only really doesn’t have the job she claims she has, but that she created an account on Twitter as a celebrity named Ted Wass, whoever the hell that is and is being dishonest about it. Whoever it really is keeps it private and won’t accept Aly or Dustin. They also keep changing the name and write very similar to Kim. Kim has also deleted several accounts that Aly voiced suspicion about before.

She has a point about Kim’s writing, which is always full of typos, something I don’t get with all the handy spell checkers out there. She may be a nice girl otherwise, but I not only agree that she’s almost certainly not working, but I’ve noticed that she seems to be highly obsessed with celebrities in a way most people her age have long since outgrown. Not obsessed to the point that she’s dangerous and would stalk or harm them but obsessed nonetheless. Even kids don’t seem to be so hung up on celebrities to the degree that she is. We also know that she isn’t very bright, so she’s not smart enough not to be obvious enough not to cast suspicion on herself.

If I’ve got my facts straight, all celebrity accounts on Twitter must be verified as “official.” Maybe Aly should consider reporting these accounts she believes are fraudulent. What celebrity would want a private account anyway? That’s no way to gain publicity.

Based on what Aly said, it probably is Kim. Aly’s not only a perceptive and intuitive individual, but anyone can tell by the way she writes and some of the things she says that while she may not be the sicko Molly is, she’s not quite right in the head either. The poor girl is 250 pounds or more and has probably never had a BF or even been laid in all her 32 years. Between that and the reasons she’s on disability along with 2 out of 3 of her other siblings, I can kind of see why she might resort to a life of fantasy and roleplaying.

I feel bad for Alison. She feels fat, ugly, and worthless and like no one cares. I can relate to some of these feelings at times, especially feeling fat, ugly and worthless. But unlike her, I haven’t had health problems in years other than annoying dental and allergy stuff. She mentioned a “new” medical problem but didn’t elaborate. I just hate to see such a kind person feeling so miserable physically or mentally. I hope she will be happier and healthier soon enough. She’s been down so long, but as she admits, she has a helluva great BF and is doing better financially so it ain’t all bad for her. I reminded her that I’m there for her if she needs to chat. I don’t meet too many honest people out there with a brain. She’s a refreshing fresh breath of air from the many illiterate idiots and trolls out there or people that are just plain boring. We also have a lot in common and she has always seemed to be a very open and accepting person. Not many people care enough (especially those we haven’t met in person) to tell a person that her place is always open to them should they ever need a place to go. That’s very kind and generous of her and ours is always open to her, too.

Jesse’s nephew did the weeding so that much should be done for the year since we’re entering the dry season. He came down at 11:00. I crashed after being up 18 hours and only slept 6 so I’m a bit tired today. I also have PMS fatigue and hunger fatigue. Every other day I’m still trying not to eat much unless I either can’t stand the hunger or get dizzy. I just have yogurt and a piece of fruit every few hours to keep my body from going into starvation mode and making the problem worse.

Nane said hello yesterday and it’s always good to hear from her, of course. The poor woman’s been sick. She said she didn’t know the word for it in English so I had to look it up because I didn’t recognize the German word for circulatory problems. I guess they went from cold to warm there in Munich so fast that it threw her off. She had dizzy spells on top of being as busy as she usually is. I teased her about helping to raise her low blood pressure if she needs a helping hand with that. I’d be happy to do it too, and no doubt good at it.;)

I had one of those dreams that always alarms someone like me who has dream premonitions, but because the dream didn’t make sense overall, I’d say we’re ok. But as anyone who knows me knows, anything to do with money, especially when it’s in a negative way, always worries me after what we’ve been through. We’re doing great right now, but I’m not stupid either. I know that if we can struggle as late in life as we have, then we probably will on and off throughout the rest of life. I mean, sooner or later it’s back in the poorhouse we go, right? Anyway, I really don’t remember the dream. Not in detail anyway. All I know is that my father was somehow involved and there was something about each check getting smaller and smaller until there was no money at all. Hmm… could he just be reminding me that I’m not going to receive a substantial inheritance? I already figured as much for that would go against God’s wonderful so-called “plan” for us to spend most of our lives struggling, wouldn’t it?

WEDNESDAY, MAY 2, 2012
When I look back on some of my old journal entries from 15-20 years ago I gotta wonder how I had so much to write about back in those days. These days I may not see as many people in person as I did back then, but I have way more of a life than I ever did in the past and I do way more now than I used to.

Lately, however, I’m anything but motivated when it comes to story writing and will probably add Bunny Nose to my file of unfinished stories. I’ve got about 4 or 5 of them. My heart just isn’t in it right now, I guess, but maybe someday I’ll get fresh ideas to rekindle my enthusiasm.

The Internet is back to cutting in and out on us like crazy. It started this evening. I really hope to hell it doesn’t become an everyday thing again! We’ve still got a few months here. At least. Yeah, I’m still leaning towards renting instead of owning, and just hurrying up and getting out of here so we can have cable again and ditch this DSL shit is a great reason on its own to want to get the hell out. It’s so unreliable and the speed sucks.

MyOpera’s internal hit counter shows nearly 40 blog views in less than 24 hours. But is that 40 members or 40 page views? I would guess page views on a site as dead as MO.

Why does a 60-calorie beverage put half a pound on me and why is my right arm slightly longer than the left? I never noticed this before until I clasped my hands together earlier today and stretched my arms upward. That was when I noticed I couldn’t completely straighten the right arm. I placed my palms together and it’s definitely the arm that’s longer and not the fingers. It’s only a half-inch, though.

Since I can’t have the blessing of speaking my mind directly to the source, a pretend kind of therapeutic heart-to-heart is in order. It goes something like this:

I have done NOTHING to you in my entire life but try to get you to keep your noise out of our home decades ago and use a poor choice of words. You need to get over the past, let me go, and move on. All of you.

Nice try all those years ago, Joely. That makes 3 times you’ve tried to seek legal vengeance upon me, and twice you have failed. That “letter” from the “detective” screamed amateur and scam rather quickly, BTW. I don’t know if it was you who wrote it or someone you put up to it, but if I had fallen for it, what would have come next, extortion? Something worse? Was part of it Jerry’s “payback” for the rating I gave him on the cop rating site? There’s a reason corrupt officials like that lose their jobs like he did in 2005 on account of me and a few others he wronged. Why do you think he joined the family real estate business? Because he got sick of playing Cops and Robbers? Either way, you trolls made several mistakes. Here, let me show you.

The “letter” had some spelling and grammatical errors, something a professional writer doesn’t miss so easily.

And why Juan D? Isn’t that too John Smith-ish?

The letter fails to disclose what “case” was supposedly made against me.

There is some business you simply don’t conduct via email, particularly when you are first trying to establish contact. Any legit cop would have come to my door because they could have traced my IP# to my physical address at the time via my service provider. They probably could’ve gotten ahold of our phone numbers as well. Ok, so I was technically out of jurisdiction living in the state I was living in at the time, but your state could’ve sent a local official out to see me which it did not do.

You could have blocked me on Facebook or marked anything sent to your email address as spam and unsubscribed from my blog but you didn’t. This indicates how vengeful and vindictive you still were and no doubt are today. From what I’ve been told, this is what law enforcement would have advised you to do unless the messages were of a threatening nature or arriving in bulk quantity.

I did absolutely nothing wrong to you but exercised my right to free speech that was without threats, and therefore there could be no “case.”

Anyone can be behind a computer and no positive identity can be established and confirmed without face-to-face contact.

One of your biggest errors was the phone numbers. There really is a PD in the town you listed, but none of the phone numbers you gave matched it when I tried to verify a match. Shame on you for not thinking of that one, though the email address you left was live.

Another blunder was that the “message” was sent to several email addresses, some of which I didn’t recognize, and one that appeared to belong to Jerry, based on the name embedded in it. Oops. You obviously created at least some of the email addresses and definitely the phone numbers in hopes that I would call. But for what? So you could try to get me down there for no reason? To phish for info that you could use to scam me with? To harm me? I guess only you and your buddies know the answer to that one, huh? But no “cop” is going to send an email to someone claiming to have a case and also send it to half a dozen others.

Next boo-boo… Had there really been a “case” made against me, it would’ve automatically gone through the courts even if I was not servable and not present, thus resulting in an eventual default warrant for my failure to appear. There never was a warrant. I checked.

The world may be way too full of corrupt law enforcement officials with warped senses of priorities, but even so, why me? Why would honest, decent cops spend the time, money and resources on me when there are so many violent criminals running loose out there that are a serious danger to society?

I was a little alarmed at first when I saw several email addresses that I either currently had or had in the past, including one I managed for a friend with Asperger’s who can’t do these things on her own, but anyone can get that info for a small fee. So yeah, you became more and more obvious as I read the email.

The Internet was not in our name in 2010. It was in our landlord’s name. You can’t make a “case” in that case. It’d be like you making prank calls from my phone. Well, even though you’d be the one who did it, I’d still be the one legally responsible for it.

I was also a bit alarmed when Google supposedly informed me that your buds were snooping into my business, but again I realize that anyone can make an email appear to be rather legit. Phishers have created emails claiming to be from many well-known sites. Nothing new there.

You know, I’ll tell you something, and that’s that I don’t know what you are more of – scary or sad. Yeah, it’s sad that your life is obviously so damn dull and you feel you have nothing else better to do than to try to harm or scam me like that. But the scary part is the deep-seated hatred that you have always harbored, nurtured, and tried so hard to rekindle at my expense. I have never known anyone so spiteful and you’re probably only one of 2 or 3 people I could never forgive even with an apology, not that you’d ever be capable of one. If you and Jerry show up here, as you’ve threatened (or as whoever you put up to it has), I will have you both arrested immediately. I really, REALLY feel sorry for your kids, Joely. The example you have set for them is utterly appalling!

Now, if you and or your friends can FINALLY stop harassing me on various sites, I will refrain from contacting your local authorities. If you guys can do that, you will never hear from me again. Ever. Your choice.

Later…

LOL, Andy wants to hear me speak German, even though he knows I’m “allergic” to phones, he says. He’ll get a good laugh at that one. Not only cuz I’m not yet fluent, but it’s not exactly a very pretty language either. But it has been a while since we chatted by phone so we probably will one of these days soon enough.

I chatted in German with a girl in Germany on Ask yesterday and was a bit dismayed to learn she was only 15. Oh, she was very nice, don’t get me wrong. It’s just that most people my age would rather not chat with those in their teens and 20s. I really wish there were more people on Ask around my age! Not always, but usually you get a bit more maturity that way.

No “pretty lady” comments today. Just someone asking if I want to have crazy sex. rolls eyes Like I said, the site is fun, but choc-full of kids.

Jesse was actually kind and considerate today. Not the part where he drove down without calling first, but the part where he was kind enough to not only be driving something quiet enough to not wake me up but to give Tom 5 bucks for replacing the cooler’s float so he doesn’t have to. He came down about an hour before I got up, so only Tom talked to him. Tom let him know he replaced the valve in back as well. Jesse’s main purpose in coming down was to let us know his nephew would be down to weed tomorrow. He’s coming down early, so I should still be up. If not, it’s easier to go to sleep to noise than to fall asleep just to be woken up by it, especially if you’re not expecting it. Even though I had planned to eat as little as I could stand to today, I might eat a little more to keep my energy up. I don’t want to fall asleep too early all fatigued out from hunger and PMS both. Nonetheless, I’ve lost 4 pounds in the last couple of days.

Anyway, the quieter truck is something he actually built for his son for when he gets his permit next year. I guess he’ll be driving it for now. Well, I hope he will till we get out of here! That other thing was ferociously loud that the whole place rumbled like it would if it was thundering out or a loud car stereo was close by.

California seems to have fewer car stereos unlike down in Arizona and Oregon where it seemed like every few cars had them which makes me think they may fine those with them here. But all it takes is one to really drive you insane and make your life hell and I just hope to hell we don’t end up with one that either lives next to us or that visits regularly, wherever we may end up. Those things are the equivalent of someone hammering on all 4 exterior walls of your house during a thunderstorm and were the #1 reason we escaped to the country. :(

I giggle to myself when I think of how bummed out Jesse’s going to be when it comes time to give notice. How many tenants would care enough or even be smart enough to replace that valve and the float, and weed around the car and trailer like he did after he was told he didn’t need to? Then again, maybe he’s that optimistic that in his mind he thinks we’ll be easy enough to replace. Oh, we’ll probably be easy enough to replace, all right. That’s not the issue. But what kind of renters will he be able to replace us with? Let’s just say that if he ends up with tenants who are like most people he’s gonna wish we would call wanting to come back! LOL

I still have some soreness between my cheek and gum in the area where my tooth was pulled, so I peroxided it and took an Advil. They have what’s called a cafeteria plan at work, so Tom will get to pick and choose what we have for insurance. I guess they’ll have things like medical, dental, vision, long-term disability, etc. What sucks is that it all costs money either way, so hopefully they’ll give him the 13% raise his supervisor said he recommended so it won’t impact what he takes home as much. Tom doesn’t know what to expect there because based on what the people there talk about owning and renting and stuff like that, it doesn’t seem like the company can afford to pay all that much more than what they’re paying him now. But then someone else said something about him getting his last dollar or two or three. They probably have a limit as to how much they’re willing to pay their employees until the cost of living arises along with the employee’s seniority.

He also learned that all temps eventually become permanent unless they’re laid off right away. Now they tell him! It would’ve really eased our worries had we known this all along. But they hire them on twice a year. It wasn’t quite his turn yet but they bumped him up because they wanted him for the job he’s doing now.

Whatever insurance he chooses will kick in in 30 days. Damn! We’ll be insured for the first time in 9 years! :) The retirement thing won’t kick in for a few months, though. It’s kind of sad my dad isn’t alive to be told this great news. :( He’d be so happy for us. But if those who believe our loved ones can look in on us are right, then he knows. Somehow he knows. feels tears sting her eyes

I wish I knew what we can’t possibly know - how long will Tom work where he works? Will I ever win big again? I don’t think I’ll be “allowed” to ever win more than 10K cuz 20K and up would go against the “plan.” I sure would settle for a few grand after the move, though! A couple to replace the savings and one to get things for the place. A full-size washer/dryer is at the top of the list.

Anyway, Tom can find out about the cafeteria plan and other things, but it’s too bad we can’t find out just a few more things cuz that might impact the rent/own decision and how much money we should invest in things here. Not that I can ever see it happening, but if I knew I was gonna win 50K next year, for example, I wouldn’t want to be getting no washer/dryer. If I won 10K when he turned 60, it would be enough to move us long distance but even harder for him to find a job than when the economy was at its worst. Who wants to hire someone that’s just gonna retire in a few years?

I still think our best bet is probably gonna be renting in an adult community if we can get in, and hoping this job works out till he retires. That way nothing will upset the 401K. But even when he does retire we still may not be able to move. They don’t pay it out all at once, so while we may be able to save 5K to get across, we wouldn’t have the money to get into a rental much less to buy a place.

TUESDAY, MAY 1, 2012
Diana, who I refer to as Lady Di, is one of the most interesting people I’ve met on Ask so far who lives in Latvia. Especially for one being so young. I couldn’t have come up with some of the brilliant answers she’s come up with in my 20s, let alone my teens. She may be troubled like a lot of teens, but she definitely has a way with words and perhaps a future in writing. I was a little wary of her at first because I wasn’t sure what was going on. I didn’t know if she was just playing with me or if she was out of her mind or what, LOL. But now that I’ve gotten to know her a little better, she really is quite intelligent for one so young. She asks Andy and me about different things and the variety is nice.

I’m trying a little experiment where I have 1000 calories or less every other day. There’s no way I could do it every single day, day after day, and deal with the hunger, fatigue and dizziness that goes with it. I didn’t even have the energy to work out when I did this yesterday. Doing it regularly would also damage my metabolism even more. But if I could will myself to do it every other day, then work out and eat about 1200-1500 calories on the days I didn’t half starve myself, maybe I would have a better chance of losing the 20 or so pounds I could still stand to lose. It should be an interesting experiment if I can get myself to stick to it. I went down 3 pounds so far.

The best thing is that just when we were beginning to think they were fucking with him at work about being hired on, he was made to have a drug test today and had to fill out some paperwork. Next comes the background check, though they already did this last fall, so I don’t know why they’d want to do it again. All that matters is that they keep their word, even though they’re still not very nice to him. Some of the people aren’t anyway. But they said he “got the job” and they also hinted at a raise, so they need to put their actions where their mouths are.

I rarely have dreams that take place in this place or on this land, but for some reason, I often have dreams that take place in the house we had in Phoenix. I don’t remember what the Phoenix dream was about, but I remember the one here. I heard this really loud helicopter hovering close by and went outside to check it out. I saw a cop standing by the top of the drive. Confused as to what the hell was going on, Jesse suddenly comes barreling down the side of the mountain in front of me with a few people in tow. I asked what was going on and he said one of his exes tried to assassinate him.

LOL, it’s a good thing he doesn’t know I’m prone to dream premonitions, especially those of a negative nature.

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Last updated August 13, 2024