November 2011 in 2010s

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 30, 2011
Wow, going to bed to a book sale in the UK and waking up to one in Australia is awesome! So was Monica’s kind, sweet words which she left on my Nexus Wallpaper wall. It’s where I get a lot of the images for my blog. Monica seems to really like my writing and my personality. She’s a super nice person. She must be one seriously ugly dog, too. You know those who are this nice to me usually are. She’s not crazy so that leaves ugly, and yes, you guessed right if you’re thinking I’m probably thinking – why couldn’t Nane and Barb say such nice things to me, though Nane did say some nice things (mostly sexual) when she was toying with me.

Anyway, Jesse, who was amazingly quiet yesterday, though I did still hear a few things, will be down in a few hours to replace the part of the pipe that needs to be replaced. We bleached the stain from the bedroom baseboard, but a small part of the paint chipped. Hey, it’s not our place, so it’s not our problem.

Tom worked two hours OT yesterday. Tiring on him, but great money as that’s almost $150 in one day. He’s already earned enough for January’s rent, cutting us down to 3 months of hoping he doesn’t get laid off since we’re not eligible for Unemployment till April. If they do lay him off it will probably be between January – April, but I won’t know it till a day or two in advance when I have horrible nightmares revolving around water, falling or violence. I hope not, though! I’d really love to see things go well for us for more than just a few months!

Later…

Everybody knows, I thought to myself. Face it, you may never make a living off of it, but you’re starting to get known as an author and so you’ve got to be even more careful what you say in your blog the more word gets out that you’ve got a book for sale and might have more in the future.

So, since Jesse’s going to give Maryann the link to my book, I better keep any comments about the barking and the loud engines reserved for my offline journal.

Many of my sites are linked. If you Google me you will find this blog as well as the link to my book. And the link to my book has the link to Twitter which has the link to this blog, and so on and so forth.

I called up the hill at 8:30 to let Jesse know I was up and about and he came down an hour later, wanting to let it warm up a bit first, to finish fixing the pipe. He was chattier than he’d ever been before (when he wasn’t talking to himself), but wasn’t drunk or anything.

“I know it stinks,” he said, but my sister said the only way to get rid of the stain is with bleach.”

Slap the bitch for letting him in on that one! I knew this, I told him, and Tom and I already took turns assaulting OUR noses on account of HIS wall.

At one point I joked about trading places and he laughed and said, “Yeah, then you could have my payments.”

I was surprised to learn the place isn’t all paid for after all. He said he had too many wives and between that and child support they took all his money. LOL

It turns out that he built his own house 20 years ago and he says he has to work on it cuz it’s “falling apart.” Houses are like people. This means that even young ones are bound to have their problems, but they shouldn’t be “falling apart” at 20 years old. What the hell did he do wrong when he was building it to have a 20-year-old house falling apart like an 80-year-old house?

He asked about our internet connection, if Tom had his own computer, how Tom’s job was going, if he likes it better than the last one, how long we’d been married, and if I had a mirror (so he could see the pipes better).

At one point I hinted about a possible move, saying that I loved the savings and seclusion here, but sometimes got tired of being in such tiny old places. I said it would depend on the job, but at this rate, he may be stuck with us forever.

“That’d be nice,” he said.

Yeah, but nice things have a way of coming to an end, buddy. :) It really is going to depend on the job. If he remains forever a temp or keeps getting laid off, we not only won’t be able to spend a week with the bigots in Italy, but we won’t be able to move either. We got in here with him as a temp, but it’s hard to believe anyone would rent a real house to us in a senior community without him being a permanent employee.

We also ended up discussing my book. He seemed impressed and interested in that, but he doesn’t have his own computer. He said people keep urging him to get one, but he’s just not into that sort of thing. He’d rather be outdoors making a racket and annoying the hell out of me even though he’s really not that bad of a guy and he is good at fixing what needs to be fixed. So good that he wants to paint the roof and the trailer the same color next summer. beats head Yeah, he’s saving up for it, he says. Well, let’s hope he has a girlfriend to steal some more money from him between now and next summer so I don’t have to deal with the kind of long-term racket that would make if we’re still here.

Too bad you can’t just pick this shitbox up and dunk it in a big old can of paint! I was totally dismayed to hear all he has to do here and that there’s also work that needs to be done underneath the place. Jeez, Jes, why don’t you just tear the whole fucking thing down and play with every single part of this heap of shit! slams head in wall

Anyway, back to the book. He seemed a bit intrigued so I wrote down the address to one of the sites and told him that if he ever does get with the times and joins the computer era he could check it out. He said he’d give it to Maryann. Yikes! That’s when I ran and edited out some things I wrote about in my blog about her pesky bro, though I doubt she’ll even check it out, much less buy it and link into my blog.

“You know it’s when you don’t want or don’t expect someone’s attention that you get it. Now get in there and edit that blog!” I ordered myself. Well, I followed my own orders, LOL, but I still don’t expect a visit from her.

He asked what the book was and I simply said it was a suspense novel. I didn’t get into the lesbian lead characters. I’ll let his sister find that out for herself if she really is curious enough to check out the link, though they don’t strike me as being homophobic in any real way, especially Maryann.

Gotta get on with the editing. The NaNo thing was fun, but it’s nice to have a break from the pressure of deadlines!

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 29, 2011
Today I plan to spend most of the day editing my book when I’m not cleaning, working out or doing something else. This is the part I hate the most but it has to be done. It should take about two weeks for the silent read-through, and another two for the electronic read-through, but I shouldn’t have to wait for the second round of editing to be done before I start posting chapters.

After finishing my story I was so damn tired. I guess 6 hours of near non-stop thinking and writing will do that to you. Next thing I know I also have the backache from hell. So I go to lay down to the tune of the motorcycle thinking the Jes pest was on its way out, but then it came down on the ATV to ask if Wednesday or Thursday would be a good day to finish the pipe. Now why couldn’t he have just picked up the phone and called to ask me this???

As much as I sometimes wish the dogs would drop dead, they really are adorable and so sweet and loving. It was cute how Whiskey came looking for me the other day and bowed his head down looking all guilty until I hugged him and let him know it was ok. Especially since they don’t bark when Jesse’s home or they’re running around loose in which case they usually come down to see me. I see them hanging out by the door. I’m still grateful as hell to whoever ran the puppy over a couple of years ago. Two’s company, three’s a crowd.

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 28, 2011
After a record-breaking 28 days, Renting Ginny was finished today at 1:20 PM – yay! She and all her friends and enemies were shortly after declared one of the NaNoWriMo winners in this region (Sacramento). They now have to suffer a good two weeks or so of editing as their creator/writer fine-tunes all the twists, turns, surprises, and mayhem that befall them throughout their 30 chapters and 50,015 words.

After 6 hours of non-stop writing to the finish line that very same creator/writer is exhausted! But she promises to do a real entry tomorrow!

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 27, 2011
Just did a quick check of the headlines. Violence against men is up. Nice. :) Keep it up, ladies!

Iran is threatening Turkey if we or Israel attack them for causing the shit they cause the world. And Nane wants to retire to Turkey with these deranged muzzies an arm’s length away? They’d kill their own kids to kill others, that’s how crazy they are. It’s a Muzzie thing, I guess, and if I were her I wouldn’t want to live in the terrorist’s backyard. Anyone who can kill innocent people like that is really sick.

After reading this sad article about a SWAT team killing a Marine in a case of mistaken identity, I realize I can’t even go one day without hearing about some corrupt cop(s) somewhere and how their senseless shooting was “justified.” I hope this poor marine’s wife deals with every single pig that was involved in the cold-blooded murder of her husband and the father of their little boy! Maybe if the public started fighting back against their abuse they wouldn’t think that carrying a gun and a badge made them God.

I also can’t go much more than a day without having to hear from that damn cock up the hill. :( This one person who lives over 100’ away! So much for thinking he’d at least give us peace on weekends except for the motorcycle. It was only for about 5-10 minutes, but it was LOUD. It was whatever the hell that super loud vehicle was that woke me up a while back. I had thought it might be a propane truck, but I’m sure it’s not. It’s unlikely they’d be out on a Sunday and it never left. Its engine just stopped at one point. It’s definitely not the bulldozer, but this cock’s got so many damn vehicles that I can’t keep track of them all.

I translated my messages to and from Barbara from German to English for Andy. I wanted his opinion on whether or not he thought she might like me or was just being friendly. He said he didn’t see anything to indicate that she liked me in the way I like her; just that she’s happy I like the way she teaches and how we both are into writing.

Yeah, that’s what I figured was the case. :( You know no one can like me that isn’t crazy, mean or ugly. Well, she’s not crazy or ugly, so wouldn’t that mean she’d either dump me or do something mean? Then again, meanness and rejection are usually reserved for those I like who don’t like me. Crazy and ugly usually belong to those that like me. He did find it odd that she signed off with “Love,” Barbara, though.

Sharyn is still the only one showing up on the subscriber page even though it says Nane’s dumped family members are also still subscribed to me. The only explanation I can think of, though it makes no sense, is that she’s got me on max subscription which means she receives notifications for everything I do. I won’t know for sure until and if Nane ever gets back to FB. From at least outside appearances, she hasn’t been around since she dumped me. We’re still “friends” on LM, but she hasn’t logged on there since August.

It still makes no sense that Sharyn would max out her subscription on me. Why would she care? She never reads my blog either. Not unless she’s flying under radar.

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 26, 2011
With just under 8000 words to go on my book, I just might make the 50K-word count after all.

Tom decided to order color cartridges for the laser printer since he found them for just over $100 and not the $300 he thought they would cost. These are also fuller so they should last closer to 5 years instead of the 3 years the not-as-full ones lasted.

Instead of dreams of anything good like money, moving or Barbara I got to dream about the troll and my cousin instead. Not my favorite first cousin, but my distant famous writing cousin Sharyn. I don’t remember what the dream was about, though. I was staying with her in New York, I guess.

As for the troll, well, I don’t know why I was at her house, but I was talking with her mother and I obviously didn’t know who she was. We were sitting in her kitchen sipping coffee when Molly came in with a painted mask on her face and so I didn’t recognize the troll with the messy shoulder-length reddish-brown hair. In the pictures I’ve seen of the troll, she usually appears to have this haggard look which many might interpret as being drunk, retarded or sleepy.

She walked up to me and tapped me on the shoulder. I looked at her mother questioningly and she said, “She just wants a hug.”

So I figured what the hell and I gave her a hug. Then every hour after that for the next 4-5 hours she would enter the room with that strange painted mask on her face wanting a hug.

“Come see my room,” she finally said and so I agreed to see it.

The room was filled with all kinds of games and toys. At one point I was looking in a bin that contained large doll heads and realized that 2 or 3 of them looked exactly like Molly and like they’d been custom-made just for her. That was when I realized who the strange girl with the painted mask standing right behind me really was. I woke up trying to decide whether or not to play dumb, run from the house or kick the crap out of the wacko.

I hope to hear from Barbara again but I realize there’s no real reason to. There’s no way I can fly to her classes, though a part of me wishes I could. I didn’t expect to hear from her other times either, so we’ll see. I should consider myself very lucky that a university teacher has taken what time she’s already taken out of what’s got to be an insanely hectic schedule to chat with me. :) We both seem to have things in common, she seems like a really sweet person compared to Nane, and if she hasn’t quite caught on that I’m attracted to her, I’ll make sure she gets it in the message I’ll be sending today or tomorrow. That’ll be a real test of sorts. :)

Later…

It took 3 Ibuprofens to kill my cramps – WTF? So much for thinking menopause was setting in. These damn periods will never stop. :(

I sure did have fun today, though. The only bad thing is that I’m really worried about Alison. I mean really concerned for her, but she feels confident she’ll get the problem taken care of during the next year. I hope so! Her cancer has spread and I guess they’re going to have to take all of one breast and the 10 remaining percent of the other.

One of our first stops was at the mail place. I waited in the car as he picked up what was there and saw him approach the car with a package. I thought it was from my folks, but then I thought it was an odd-shaped box for them to be sending. So he opened the back of the car and asked what I ordered that he didn’t know about.

“Nothing,” I told him, and then he opened the package.

It was a surprise win containing yet more barbecue utensils. :( We haven’t barbecued since Phoenix! But sometimes you get piddly unwanted shit like that while aiming for the grand prize.

When we found that KFC opened at 11:00 and not 10:00 we decided to kill off the hour at K-Mart where I got a handful of goodies. Scented body sprays in Vanilla Fantasy, Lavender Vanilla, Sugar Apple Fantasy, Kapri Breeze, Obsession and a few variations of musk. Yeah, I know it seems a bit overkill but I can never have too many things that smell good!

All the adult slippers were huge and I didn’t like any of the kiddy slippers, but I did get a pillowcase for my new body pillow. It’s a nice velvety material with a zebra pattern.

I got some new dishtowels which we’ve been needing for a while now and looked at some shoes. They had some cute ones but none in my size that I really liked. Size 5½ is so hard to find anything in! Why couldn’t I have been just a half-inch bigger?

I got a gorgeous “diamond” ring with a pink heart-shaped diamond in the center and a cluster of 3 round clear ones on each side. I’ve got it on my right forefinger so it doesn’t clash with my gold wedding band. It’s a bit big, though, so I should have gotten a size 7 instead of an 8.

I have been wishing they’d make gum with flavors of caramel, chocolate and coffee for some time now. Well, I saw they had mint chocolate chip and decided to try a pack, though I don’t chew gum too often so as not to get carried away with it. It’s good, but there’s way more mint than chocolate.

After we left K-Mart we went to a thrift shop. My first thought was, what crap! But the further I delved into the store the more I found some interesting things, particularly the shelves of mugs. They had a huge variety of beautiful designs and colors. They were having a half-off sale so they were only a quarter apiece. I ended up getting 5 mugs to replace our old, chipped ones. One’s pink on the outside and aqua on the inside. Another is lavender with a large cluster of daffodils. Another is amazingly detailed with yellow roses and green leaves. Another has small clusters of pink and purple flowers. Lastly, there’s the one with pink and purple bunnies.

I also got a wind chime with ceramic balloons and clouds. This and the mugs came to just $3.50! It was a hell of a deal. :)

Our last stop was to grab some KFC to go so we could share it with the rat. I got a 3-piece chicken meal with a side of corn and macaroni all cooked to perfection. For dessert, I got a chocolate parfait too, but haven’t finished it yet. I’m not used to eating so much anymore, but tomorrow it’s back to dieting. :(

I doubt any other rat in the state of California got treated to KFC today, LOL.

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 25, 2011
“Where do you get $1400?” Tom asked. “Is that a figure you just randomly drew from the top of your head?”

“No, I drew it from the fact that the cheapest real house in this damn state that isn’t in Freeloaderville seems to start at $1400.”

But then he showed me some gorgeous senior community rentals less than 10 minutes from where he works with 2-3 bedrooms and 2 baths ranging between $800 - $1200. Why does it seem too good to be true? Because God’s gonna see to it that he’s laid off yet again and that we’re forever trapped here for Jesse’s benefit? I sure as hell hope not!

Aw, how sweet of Andy to wish Tom and me a happy Thanksgiving and say how glad he is to have me back in his life. :) We just kicked back at home, though, as we aren’t fond of turkey anyway.

Andy cracked me up earlier by saying he “wishes he had my problem” of liking them older. It’s true, though. Even when I was younger I always liked older women. There’s just something about that mature look, I guess, though I did think my favorite lady in the U.S. was my age when we first met.

He said I cracked him up with the way I said in my journal in 1988, “Dr. D died. Fucking bastard! I need my meds.” Yeah, his timing wasn’t exactly great for one who was addicted to happy pills like I was.

After dreams of Barbara’s long and lovely body, warm chocolate eyes, and sexy do (there’s just something appealing about that dark, shiny mane. It seems to be the perfect hairstyle for her not that I’ve ever seen it any other way, and the kind you just want to run your fingers through) it was off to dream of Nane. She threatened me or something like that and I told her, “Zwie Worte: Ficken ab.” That translates to, “Two words: Fuck off.” And no, it wasn’t a mistake when I capped the German word for “words.” They cap all their nouns.

I have to laugh at the thought of Nane. She threw me away like yesterday’s trash, but Barbara recycled me. :) Yet despite the fact that most of us have had our share of web crushes, we’re not in any way an official “item.”

What’s kind of funny as well as neat is that Barbara has never said a word to me in English. We have communicated in nothing but German. That’s part of what she does, though, in her immersion classes. They believe the best way to learn is to simply do it and so no English is allowed. Nane and I, however, usually communicated in English but this makes sense as I was nearly 100% illiterate in German when we first met. About 15 months ago all I knew was yes, no, thank you, I love you, and good day. So I’ve gone from 8 words to somewhere between 2-3 thousand if I had to guess. When I first wrote to Barb I wrote in both English and German in case the German was too messed up to understand. She chose to write back in German thinking I’d understand, so that’s when I knew I wasn’t doing too bad, LOL, even though I still have to look some things up. But each time she and I swap messages, the more I learn. :)

“What do you want to do with your birthday money?” Tom asked me. “It’s your money to spend however you want. The rent, car insurance, internet, and our next round of propane are all paid for throughout the rest of the year, so it’s all yours to do what you want with.”

It took me forever to decide what I wanted to do with it. It would’ve been easy back when I was a doll collector, but I’m simply not a high-maintenance woman. I’d love to live in a nice new house but I don’t need “stuff” like I used to. As long as I have clothes to wear, food to eat, a computer, a treadmill, and a stereo, what else do I really need? Ok, maybe some feminine supplies at times. :)

I first thought of going someplace nice for dinner, but as Tom said, it should be spent on something fun. Well, eating isn’t “fun,” it just tastes good if it’s something you really like. Besides, with food, you eat it, you shit it, and then it’s gone. So I’m gonna take it to K-Mart and just get some random goodies. :) I could use some new slippers even if that’s not exactly “fun” either, but the rat sure would have fun if my old slippers became his new toy. :)

Off to do some laundry and the grocery shopping before I get in the day’s word count. Less than a week to go! I still don’t know if I have much of a chance of winning this thing as I’m running out of ideas. I know how I want to end the story; it’s keeping things going until I get there that’s the real challenge.

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 24, 2011
I shared Barbara’s pics and video with Andy and he said she has a great body but doesn’t care for her face. He said, “I don’t think Barb’s attractive at all. She should be thrilled someone does.”

I told him, “It’s funny you should say that cuz I thought I wouldn’t hear from her again and that my “hints” made her uncomfortable. Then I heard from her and then I saw the wrinkles and then said to myself no wonder she didn’t complain about my compliments. Her hubby probably hasn’t complimented her in years!” But that is why I drop hints; to test who can handle the real me and to give them a chance to run. :)

I would trade this fat body for a prune face any day! More can be done with less effort to hide wrinkles than to hide fat, and fat is usually less attractive than wrinkles anyway. Tom tells me I look very fit but you know we’re our own worst critics.

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 23, 2011
Had tons of dreams involving the tall, dark and lovely Barbara, but don’t remember a single one. They must not have been too bad. :) I usually wake up during bad dreams.

It was quite a feeling to be able to sit down and read her message in German and understand it (jumps for joy) because I worked long and hard to study the language. I just had to do it to the tune of that damn cock making a racket up the hill. It was hammering something, I guess. Why the fuck does it only rain on holidays and weekends? That’s when he’s usually quiet anyway. But sure enough, we’ll be in for a wet Thanksgiving while today will be beautiful AND THAT DAMN COCK UP THE HILL WON’T SHUT UP!

Anyway, it’s strange that just days after my “break up” with Nane and me ready to put the German aside, I meet Barb and the inspiration goes on. It’s almost like something up there wants me to learn the damn language for some reason, LOL.

I don’t find her attractive simply because she’s thin. Thin, tall and dark won’t necessarily make me think you’re attractive if you don’t have a pleasant face. But yes, she does happen to have, IMO, a hell of a body. :) But not just cuz it’s “thin.” It’s her shape I love. Where men usually go for the curvier chicks like myself with full hips/chest, women usually like women with boyish shapes. She’s definitely not the voluptuous or muscular type like me, though I do like muscle. Not to where it’s bulging like hell, but visible enough.

Hearing from her was a pleasant surprise. I thought I never would again because I thought she was either turned off by knowing I like her or by the fact that I can’t exactly report to class in Germany. I still don’t know much about her. Not her exact age, nothing. She could be perfectly straight for all I know.

It would still be fun to miraculously keep a schedule and to have all our expenses paid to go over there and take her class, good-looking or not. At the same time, think how much colder, older and leakier Deutschland is! Besides, even the uglier RL languages like French and Portuguese are still prettier. And easier. Guess that’s what stories are for, though, so maybe I’ll have some kind of exchange student in a future story who ends up dreaming of some fun extracurricular activities with her hot teacher. :)

I’m not going to write back right away. I’ll give it close to a week like she did with me so as not to bother her. Sometimes I’m best taken in in small doses anyway. :)

I heard from Marie yesterday which was nice. She wrote, “ty for that!” on a comment I left on a photo about a couple of her exes and so I messaged her and said I’d delete it if she found it too revealing, LOL. I also let her know I still think of her and hope she’s doing well with her new wife.

She replied saying she was doing well and yes, she’d like me to please delete the comment. She thanked me for it too, LOL.

I feel bad that she still feels bad about “being an asshole” in the past. It’s done and over with as far as I’m concerned. She said she won’t contact me unless I contact her and I think that as long as we keep the contact to a minimum we’ll be ok. I know she can’t help how she is and that she didn’t ask to be that way either. But it’s also true that I can’t deal with obsessiveness and paranoia. One can only assure another they’re NOT plotting against them so many times and that the reason they haven’t heard from them for a whole 5 minutes is NOT that you suddenly stopped caring. I care. I just have to have a life while I’m at it. Even hearing from those I’m attracted to, get along with and have things in common with every single day would be a bit much for me. Once or twice a week is enough, even every 2-3 weeks.

Andy and I have 3 games we play on Formspring, though every single time I log in I see something new. I’m sick of all the damn change there! Anyway, there’s the journal game, the background game, and now he quotes his favorite lines from my entries.

As for my story – the finish line is near! It will soon be time to tie loose ends up and make it all come together. :) I’ve got about 12,000 words to go and hope to beat the deadline! No matter how many books an author may write, the beginning of the end is always exciting! It gets a little tricky, though. In the beginning and the middle, you’re kind of rolling a ball and just letting it go wherever it’s gonna go. But now I have to start steering that ball and giving it some sense of direction to hopefully help guide it to an ending that is both sensible and memorable. :)

LOL, gotta admit the idea of doing a quick name change and sending it to Nane when it’s done is tempting and have “Anina” who’s renting “Ginny” become a case of Marion renting Nane, hahaha. Marion was/is actually Nane’s first name while Nane’s her middle name, but nah, I’ll leave the “ex” alone. Marion – Nane – whatever you want to call her – would only enjoy it and probably even get off on some of it (those steamy shower scenes). She’s “played” roles in stories before and it’s nothing new to her. It was just the thought of “Marion” tormenting “Nane” that was funny.

Ok, off to work on my story and hope that nothing else leaks around here today and that the roof doesn’t cave in and I don’t fall through the floor when walking from room to room. sighs Even if they hired him on right now we still gotta wait till he turns 55 and that’s not till late June. Or maybe he’ll just get laid off and we’ll be back in the poorhouse, forever trapped here. I hope not but I have often wondered if something’s not using us for Jesse’s sake. Those previous tenants he had that broke into his house and were noisy and were dopers – that’s normal. We’re not.

Later…

Jesse’s here now dealing with the latest leak. Yeah, I called him to let him know the water pressure was low (you know there’s always gotta be a problem here) and he said he was cleaning out the tanks. The guy was actually considerate of me, too. I couldn’t believe it when he said he thought about coming down to tell me about the tanks but wasn’t sure I was up yet.

When he came down to check for outside leaks and then asked if everything was ok in here I decided it was as good a time as any to mention the bathroom sink leaking, knowing we couldn’t avoid it forever and that it would only get worse anyway.

The problem appears to be what I thought it was. A loose t-pipe joint in the incoming water. He showed me it dripping while it was running. It’s a slow drip but a drip nonetheless. He said it might’ve been going on for some time and that it had to be dealt with. Yeah, I figured as much. Plus, I’m on an ideal schedule now. He put one of our pans under the sink to catch the drip so hopefully the bedroom wall will dry up soon.

Now he’s mumbling something about how clean I keep the place and about good tenants. Hmm… good tenants? Even with a 2-pound rat and a 6-foot mannequin in a shiny bikini? Well, I tried to sell the bitch!

LMAO, it’s all I can do to keep from saying (he’s just a room away), “Enjoy us, Jes, cuz if Tom gets hired on it’s back to thieves and druggies for you, buddy!”

I’m too busy to write about the news interview I saw with Barbara. Oh, there goes something about fixing it next week if not this week… and what about Auburn and Home Depot? Yeah, he just said, “We’re in Auburn.” Really? But I thought I was in Germany singing 99 Luftballons with Barbara!

sighs I’m never gonna make today’s writing goal. :( I asked Andy on Formspring if I should step on him and I had to clamp a hand over my mouth to keep from laughing at the thought of Jesse knowing that someone just asked online if they should step on him.

Did he just fart?

Later…

Jesse got all the parts and is gonna fix the damn pipe next week.

Did some Barbara digging and came up with some more pictures that are fairly decent as well as a candid news interview with her about another exchange program she heads with Germany and South Africa. I couldn’t understand every word but I got the general idea. I played the video a few times and each time I could understand more and more.

I didn’t realize she was so old! She’s got to be 55-60. Her face was close and clear unlike in the classroom videos. She’s more wrinkled than Nane, the poor girl, and she has a bit of a wide nose. Despite these imperfections, she is still quite lovely. I’m sure people drooled over her 20 years ago. She’s tall, she has nice eyes, nice hair, a great body and nice teeth too, though I don’t know if they’re real. If she did pick up that I like her, well of course she wouldn’t complain now that I see how old and wrinkled she looks, LOL. Her hubby probably hasn’t complimented her in years! She’s still a hottie in my book.

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 22, 2011
I kissed my husband goodbye for the day, worked out, took a shower and was thinking how cool it was that the tub seems to have miraculously stopped leaking, I haven’t had to take any pain relievers today (yet), and I even fixed the shower cleaner sprayer that broke again on us, then headed into the bedroom.

And then I saw it.

And felt it.

Arrgghh!!! Yes, another leak. :( I noticed the discoloration by part of the bedroom baseboard before and while I thought it weird, I didn’t pay much attention to it. But then I felt the wetness where the carpet meets the wall and saw that the lower part of the dresser was wet and warped. We’re probably gonna just leave the old piece of shit here if we ever do make it out of here, but hopefully the wood (or particle board to be precise) hasn’t weakened so much that the fucking thing collapses. I don’t think it will. I just want to know when we’re gonna get a break with every single fucking thing that can possibly leak leaking on us?!?! This place is having WAY more problems than the dumpy old house we rented in Oregon had yet that thing was built in the 20s, not the 60s!

My guess is it’s the sink given the position of it and the fact that there are pipes right behind that area. Because it doesn’t smell like shit is why I don’t think it’s the toilet. I don’t know if it’s the sink’s in or outgoing water. Probably in. The inner pipes are the ones running along that wall whereas the outer seems to go straight down through the floor.

I thought about calling the Jes pest, then decided not to. Sure it might be a quick fix where all he has to do is just tighten the fucking joints, but what if it’s not? Well, I know Tom wants to enjoy his mini vacation starting on Thursday without him in the picture and I want to finish my goddamn book! And go to KFC! So what if it’s not my birthday yet?

I pulled the dresser out away from the wall (boy is that thing easier to finagle around when you work out), but I just wish we could up and move like right now! Yet the sad reality is that we can’t take chances with him as a temp and we’ll still only be able to afford old places anyway even if they are bigger than this shoebox. Places that are 30 years old or less and that have hook-ups for full-size washers/dryers, as well as dishwashers, are just way too expensive on one income, even if that income is good. He made $300 in just two days cuz of OT. The only way to get a newer place that’s comparable to our rent here would be if we were willing to live in the slums and we’re not.

I love renting cuz of how we don’t have to pay to fix things but the next thing we know, something’s going to break here that’s going to damage our stuff and then we will be paying. When that propane tank decides to leak all the propane out that we paid for, then the problem becomes more than just an inconvenience to us, but if God forbid that ever did happen I would deduct it from the rent even though Jesse would probably pitch a fit over it. Too bad, though, cuz if his tank spits out our propane, we ain’t paying for it! At least this leak hasn’t directly hurt us as of yet.

The rat isn’t sure what his favorite incense smell is; Fudge Nut Brownie, Strawberry Rhubarb or Honey-Vanilla. I’m burning Sweet Tahiti right now. The incense place has some novelty fragrances these days. Gross novelty fragrances. It’s almost too bad I don’t still make my own so I could send my folks some “double-dipped” sticks where I do each half in a different scent and have them wonder why it started off smelling wonderful only to turn into baby diapers halfway down the stick, LMAO! Unless you want farts, smelly socks or gasoline instead. This is one reason I’m commonly referred to as a little devil, troublemaker or mischievous.

Oh wow! Just wow! Now that really made my day even brighter! Barbara not only just sent me a message that I TOTALLY understood even though it was written in 100% German but it was oh so sweet of her! :))) We seem to have so much in common because she too, speaks other languages and dreams of being a writer! Wow. Again, just wow. I didn’t expect to hear back from her ever again. Especially since I know she’s no idiot. In other words, she knows I don’t see her as just a damn good teacher. She knows I know she looks good doing it. :) I’m subtle but obvious enough to anyone with half a brain. Ok, maybe two-thirds of a brain in her case. :)

I’ll admit I wanted to let her in on what I was thinking basically for two reasons. Out of curiosity to test her reaction and cuz I’ll also admit the idea of it is kinda funny. It’s a game that can’t backfire on me in a way it could with a neighbor or a coworker. I mean what could one in Germany do that didn’t like knowing I thought she was pretty, come piss in my peanut butter? I can’t be 100% she knows, but it wouldn’t surprise me AND THAT DAMN COCK UP THE HILL BETTER QUIT HAMMERING!

So back to what I was saying, she knows English, French and a little Spanish and Italian. It helps her to understand her international students’ mistakes better like when Miss Shitaly applied her twisted grammar to English. Yabla’s gonna be filming her again in the spring. “Very important!” she says, that I learn my prepositions. Oh, I’ll learn them alright, if she’ll teach me. :) I just might have to hunt around for what you have to pay for on Yabla. She said they’ll be filming for 4 hours but doesn’t know when it’ll be online. She wished me luck with my book and said to have fun writing.

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 21, 2011
As much as I envy my folks who are presently 31º warmer than my 39º ass, Tom’s lucky he’s not working in a warehouse there today! It’s to be 82º and 100% humid. That’s the one and only thing I wouldn’t like about Florida is all the damn stickiness. But it’s got some good in it as it’s really good for your skin and hair. I didn’t need as much lip balm there.

I’m not sure if it’s a good thing or a bad thing when my logic disagrees with my vibes. My logic says those Florida dreams were just dreams and that we probably won’t even move to a real house around here while my vibes argue and say, “They weren’t just dreams! And it’s gonna be raining steadily on us when we get there too, just like I saw in the dreams!”

If we ever really do move long distance, then it’s got to be on account of some serious money I don’t know about yet. I honestly don’t see how I could ever go back to winning sweeps like I used to because it’s not like it’s going to get any less popular or any less widespread.

I want my parents to live forever. Like for as long as I live. But at the same time, I wish they’d die now so I could know what they might’ve left us. I still don’t see how it could be much more than 10K, but Mom said it’d be “alright.” Well, 10K won’t make things “alright.” At least not for long. Look how long we were “alright” after winning 9K. Less than a year and we were up shit’s creek all over again.

I had some ear pain at the end of yesterday and at the start of my day today. I should just pop a fucking pain pill every day upon waking up at the rate I’m going. :( Tom was able to clean my ear somewhat, then we gave it another oil treatment to help break down the dead skin that can’t break down and shed on its own.

LOL, someone said the troll removed her blog. Yeah, that’s what she does; creates new accounts faster than she closes old ones.

I miss my cousin Phil, wherever he is. He was my all-time favorite #1 cousin. He would be about 49 years old today. Dad said he moved down to Florida but this was way back in the late 90s, so who knows where he is now? As good as I usually am at finding people, he’s nowhere to be found. There’s no obit on him, so he’s alive. My parents would’ve told me if he were dead anyway.

I think I’ll go watch a video until Jesse starts his engine gunning or takes off somewhere and leaves me with the barking.

Later…

There is NOTHING like waking up to know you’re not broke, you have tons of beautiful fragrances waiting for you in the form of body oils and incense, you received a lovely birthday card with a 50-dollar bill, and you have a great guy who loves you!!! Makes it harder to believe I was that doomed and desperate person a couple of months ago!

The only imperfections are that one of the oils was barely half full, the 4 free sample oils are boring, and of course… Jesse. Pesky little Jesse. He zoomed down on the ATV at 11:30 this morning as I was eating a fruit cup in the kitchen to get plywood from his shit pile in back. I am so sick of living with this cock!

Seeing his kid at that time confirms my suspicion that he doesn’t go to school. The kids won’t be out on vacation till next month, so he’s either been suspended or dropped out. But can you drop out to be your father’s little project slave at 13? And just what the fuck are they building? I didn’t hear any saws or hammers yesterday; just his damn truck besides the ATV.

The place is fast filling with the lovely smell of Vanilla Lace. When you live in an old rodent-infested trailer (they come faster than we can kill them except for the rodent we actually want living here), and you have a nose as sharp as a bloodhound’s, you really need more than just typical air fresheners. Besides, those don’t have the fun variety this place has, although I’m not going to buy much from them in the future if they keep jacking their prices up. Anyway, some days we don’t hear the field rats and nothing’s come up inside the place in a while. All their activity is underneath but annoying enough at times. Mice are usually pretty quiet, but rats aren’t.

I think I’ll burn the China Rain next. I had trouble getting one of the sticks to stay lit since it’s so freshly dipped. Sometimes I miss making and selling my own incense, though I would always use uncut oils. “Cut” oils means you delude them with an oil cutter that’s basically nothing more than plain unscented oil. When you don’t cut the oil the fragrance is not only bolder, but you only have to soak the sticks for 12-24 hours instead of up to 48. The drain/dry time is pretty much the same, though, at about 48-72 hours. I sometimes miss doing crazy and creative things like the way I’d take an eyedropper and dribble a different scent on each inch of the stick so that the scent would change every 10 minutes or so.

The one thing I always hated was candles. They just don’t do a good job of emitting the scent because the heat source is on top where it needs to be underneath like with oil burners. It needs to be underneath or in direct or near-direct contact with the oil like lamp rings and sticks.

The oils I got will be used as body oils if I don’t throw some in my warming pot.

At least now I’ll have a reason to be congested. I gotta move some of these damn dolls, though. Incense may do the best job of smelling a place up, but it also does the best job of making a mess, too.

The birthday card was one of the prettiest and nicest. It’s got Snoopy on it against a pink background and is definitely the first card that refers to me as talented, witty and other things, LOL. Wonder why my folks sent the card so early, though. They usually time it to hit right on the day or the day before. It could be because they know we only go to pick up our mail once a week. I’m going to KFC next weekend! :)

The troll’s back, but it only made one apparently useless attempt to view me. She’s got me bookmarked and so she came in directly. That doesn’t mean she still doesn’t see what she can see of me on other sites, though.

So we made it through a month of at least not receiving any summons. I guess that means I never will, but it’s too soon to see if anything was sent that I didn’t receive. That’s still hard to believe when you think about it. Pigs should be able to obtain both our addresses but especially our physical ones as that’s tied in with our IP. Maybe it being in Jesse’s name confused them. It shouldn’t save one from repercussions, though. I learned that the hard way in 1991 in S. Deerfield with a phone in a fake name. I think just being in a different state may’ve helped most of all, but we’ll see. I’m hoping that it was simply a case of her using her hatred and her race and the fact that there’s history between us to try to ruin my life all over again. I’m sure she threw in tons of lies along the way and said I threatened her. With me being white and her a nigger, that would’ve alarmed the pigs and prompted them to see if I was a spammer or anything at all that they could get me on. After thinking about it, you’re not really considered much of a spammer by how many emails you send one person so much as how many people you send emails to. I’m hoping that’s all they were looking for since they couldn’t get me on her and her alone. I first thought they wouldn’t be nosing into my account unless they thought they had something on me, but then I realized that sometimes the only way to see if you have a case or not is to stick your nose in someone’s business in the first place.

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 20, 2011
Let’s see… what’s going on today? Oh, just some guy on MO insisting he has “no room in his heart for hate.” Guess he can’t say he has a very big heart then. grins and blocks the guy with the very poor pickup line

I hate having to pee when Tom’s in the shower. “We’ll have two bathrooms someday,” he tells me.

“Yeah, right,” I said. “Show me one house in the west with two bathrooms that we can afford!”

That’s one of the problems out here. The houses are not only set closer together and smaller but they usually have just one bathroom. Two bathrooms are usually reserved for the houses that are huge and expensive.

Amazingly I’m not in any pain at the moment. Tom got this new ear cleaner that’s mostly used for cleaning wax and he thought it may help with the bad ear as far as getting any dead skin out that could be irritating me at times and putting pressure on it. I told him it really sucked that we didn’t have the money to get all my teeth removed. That’s the only way we’re going to know for sure who the culprit is. But as he said, if the problem persists after getting them pulled then we’ll have wasted all that money. True, though I would have a whiter, more even smile.

The next question is why I’m waking up with congestion so often. I don’t smoke, I haven’t burned incense in a while, so where’s it coming from? I will be burning incense soon enough, though, and had the idiots emailed me to let me know when it was shipped like they did to let me know when it was in production and then to tell me it would ship soon, we would’ve known to pick it up yesterday. But now we have to wait till tomorrow and I’ll be asleep when he gets in with it. He’s picking it up after work and will probably be here at 3:30, but I shouldn’t be getting up until the evening.

Someone I know is sending tons of people tons of magazine subscriptions. It’s dumb of them if you ask me because it’s traceable. I did, however, send a few goodies back in 2005 to my evil MIL and SIL, both of which live together and have had full hysterectomies. When free samples became a bit hit I couldn’t resist sending them tampon samples. LOL, 4 tampons, 2 bitches, but not 1 uterus in the entire household.

Friday night, I fantasized about doing something I would never do but that was oh so much fun to at least imagine doing. I wanted to call Jesse at 3am and have a very LOUD recording of barking dogs playing the instant he picked up, LOL.

Gonna hop in the shower, eat, put away the clothes that are still hanging on the inside line, then get to work on my story. The story’s going better than expected. It needs 16,706 more words to win the NaNo thing and should take about 10 more chapters to finish which means I’m two-thirds of the way done. Today I will do chapter 21. These smaller chapters usually take 2-4 hours to do whereas full-size ones can take up to 8. Soon it will be time to tie up those loose ends and bring it all together. Each chapter is like dangling strings that eventually need to be gathered and tied.

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 19, 2011
Despite the fact that I have known for years that my artificial ear canal would be a problem for the rest of my life, it still bums me out to know I’m going to have to be in pain nearly every fucking day of my life. Unless it’s caused more by my teeth than I realize, though when Tom looked in it he said it needed to be oiled. It can’t shed dead skin like a normal canal so we have to deal with it ourselves. If God had just given me two normal ears I wouldn’t be going through this shit. As if all the other shit He dealt me in life weren’t enough?!

I hope last night’s dream was nothing to worry about, though it didn’t scare me or leave me with any bad feelings. I was in a huge room with an Olympic-sized pool. It was fairly crowded, but I don’t know who the people were or where I was. I wouldn’t go in the pool cuz it was too cold so someone suggested a smaller pool that was long and narrow and ran alongside the big pool. As I stepped down into it I slipped and was “swept” away by a current I hadn’t seen. I was taken through a set of double swinging doors a few seconds later sort of like you’d see in a restaurant and next thing I know I’m in total darkness, water now racing fast.

The dogs shut up earlier than I expected last night so I got to have some peace. Doesn’t sound like Jesse’s gone anywhere tonight, though it’s still a little early.

We hit the 30s for the first time this year. :( Meanwhile, my spoiled, blessed and pampered folks get to enjoy a low of 72º tonight.

How does one read a blog they don’t even know exists? I wonder this because Alison told me she read the troll’s newest blog and she was saying she hadn’t bothered us in two weeks and we should stop reading her blog. Yet I not only haven’t read any of her lies and delusions for a while now, but I didn’t recognize the blog name and address that Aly gave me. That’s ok, though, Molly’s the type of person to write something like how she ran into me in the streets of Texas and truly believe it, too.

LOL, Jenny C blocked me after my “You still fucking my brother?” message. I check every now and then to see if there’s any change within her virtually empty profile. It had been a while so I checked today and she finally picked up the message and blocked me.

I was also surprised to find my aunt Ruth now has a Facebook profile and kind of surprised her daughter Polly, now married with 3 kids, does too. I did notice that Philip’s not on either of their friend lists. Is this because they don’t get along or because he just doesn’t have an account? It’s hard to believe Philip wouldn’t have an account. I wondered the same thing, though, with my niece Jennifer. She had her mom added, but not her slutty dad.

Either way, I said a quick hello to them, curious if they would appear on my visitor log (if they haven’t got their cookies disabled) but I don’t expect to hear from them or that they’d be curious about my journal. Remember, people tend to see us as they last remember us to be, not who we are today. So I’m the “crazy” troublemaker in their little minds who shouldn’t be bothered with.

I could not agree with this article I read more! But sadly, it appears that equality will never exist in the state I dreamed of living in for so many years only to become utterly disgusted and ashamed of it.

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 18, 2011
The troll made another visit today and it said that her recent time spent on my site was 30 seconds. But then she returned and it said 42 minutes! Remembering that I tweaked the HTML the previous day, I overwrote the code even though it was still visible. Maybe next time I play with the coding I’ll remember to reinstall the damn thing! Once I reblocked her she made 3 more attempts to get in over a period of a few hours, but since there’s no view time logged, I guess she didn’t succeed.

I sent Barbara a message yesterday just saying hi. She’s ignoring me, not to my surprise. I’m sure it’s for the best. I think she only responded in the first place to try to get me to her classroom in Germany, not that that wouldn’t be loads of fun.

One of the people I deleted was my cousin Sharyn. I figured she’d keep in touch if she really wanted to but she hasn’t, so why not ax her, too? Then I noticed she was subscribed to my public updates. Or at least appeared to be. I’m not sure what to make of the subscriber thing. I swear it said, “you have no subscribers” when I clicked on subscribers just a day or two ago before I deleted her. Yet others I’ve axed like Nane’s brothers and SIL also appear as still being subscribed to me. Hmm… I wonder if I still appear as subscribed to Nane’s updates. Her wall is basically public. I wonder if she even knows this.

Later…

The rat is so cute and so funny at times. He’s got this new thing where I let him out and he “leads” me to the kitchen and waits at the refrigerator till I open it and give him some cheese or something. Also, where most animals want you out of their living quarters, this one wants me in it. If I stand close to the cage and am wearing something like my robe or a dress as opposed to a tee and jeans, he grabs my sleeve or whatever he can get a hold of and starts slowly pulling me in. Yeah, he’d love it if I could move in with him, alright, and his cage is so big I could actually fit in it if I crouched into a tight ball.

I was surprised with a win notice earlier. It’s just a peel-off facial mask, but still cool.

Gotta get new undies soon. They seem to want to head south while on the treadmill right along with the ass they cover which I’m working on sending north.

I’m now down 4 pounds but am going to give my muscles a rest over the weekend and be sure not to stray too far from my diet. I alter it each week for variety and soon I’m going to have to cut more calories. The closer you get to your ideal weight the harder it is to lose it and my stupid body doesn’t think it’s that fat for a muscular woman of my height, frame and age.

Went back to doing old fashion crunches on the floor instead of the ball. With the ball, you spend more time balancing yourself than concentrating on the movements, but on the floor, you can really focus on working the muscles. I do 15 minutes a day at different speeds, so I end up doing hundreds of crunches. I also noticed that the ball exercises weren’t pulling my gut in as flat as it usually is. In fact, I was gutsier than I had been in a while. Proper ab exercises should pull the gut in flat so long as you’re not too overweight.

Jesse didn’t wake me up and Tom said he wasn’t playing his engine gunning games when he got in. That might’ve been due to the rain. When it’s not raining he usually plays with his toys in the mornings in the warmer weather and in the afternoons in the cooler weather. The fucking inconsiderate cock left us with his fucking dogs for the night, though, so I have to have the sound machines blaring IN THE COUNTRY to get any peace. He left early too, like around 4pm. Knowing they’re not going to stop till 3am - 4am, I’m putting off watching the latest Lifetime movie. Yeah, you fucking cock, we won’t be in your trashy little trailer forever, you’ll see!

Speaking of toys I see this country has a new one called a hypersonic weapon it was testing over the Pacific. So if we shot this at Iran they couldn’t even finish an episode of “Your Wife Showed Me Her Ankle?” Someone asked that and I thought it was a damn good question :)

“You can get anything you want. Anything. We have $1500 right now,” Tom told me when I asked if he thought it was ok if I got some of those pre-cooked goodies I like. I’m just not used to having money. Not in the last 4 years for the most part anyway. I still want to keep in the habit of not getting too carried away, though, in preparation for the next poor spell. Yeah, I’m not stupid. I know that nothing’s changed and that all good things come to an end. We may be on a roll right now but something up there still thought it was really fucking funny to tease the hell out of us with our survival and watch us struggle like crazy. It was pretty funny to see us led to the very edge of a steep cliff as we stood there horrified and feeling utterly helpless and doomed till a miracle stepped in and saved us. Just hilarious.

And now I’m being compensated with pain. I think I’d rather that than the poverty, though. I’m actually more used to pain than poverty. I can’t wait for the next tooth to hurry up and get infected so I can get the bastard pulled! What we have saved now won’t get them all ripped out and dentures put in, and I’m not stupid when it comes to that either. I know that quack was full of it in saying I had good teeth and that they’ve got to go. Every single one of them. But I don’t think it’s infected just yet. Not enough pain. When it starts waking me up – then it’s infected.

Back to the groceries; I just don’t crave anything anymore since being on this high-protein diet and adding a protein bar to my daily menu. I still have to deal with hunger, though, and sometimes it’s worse than others. My tummy’s shrinking so it’s not as bad lately. The important thing is to keep my meals around the same size so I don’t stretch my tummy. I have 3 meals and 4 snacks. I eat every two hours starting after I’ve been up for two hours until all 7 things are gone.

LOL, Andy’s on his imaginary tour again with his Fire Flies band and he tweets the locations they play in. The last time around I pretended to follow the shows with Nane, but now it’s with Barb.

The troll made 4 attempts to get into my blog today. I looked up everyone I could find with her name on Facebook with suspicious-looking accounts and blocked them. Her name may be fairly common (there’s even an actress with her name) but there were tons of photoless profiles that were virtually empty like they’d been created just to bypass blocks. Only she’s got to have one I don’t know about because she came to my blog from it after I blocked the one she prank-messaged me from a couple of weeks ago. Well, don’t you have to have an account there to look at people’s profiles?

I almost wish I hadn’t rejected her when she first contacted me on Formspring a year and a half ago. I don’t wish I’d been friendly, but my rejecting her is part of what’s got her stalking me. That’s the name of the game right there and exactly what this bitch gets off on. Negative blog talk about her doesn’t anger her and it doesn’t hurt her feelings either. It amuses her and even she said so herself. The more you reject and ridicule her, the more obsessed she becomes with you. It’s sad and it’s sick and I truly don’t get it but there really are some people out there who are “backward” when it comes to what they seek out in people. While most of us want good, honest, loving people who care about us, this one wants all the abuse she can get from people. Would she actually like it if a group of people beat the shit out of her? I’ve often wondered this, and sadly, I think she would.

I guess I’ll work on my story soon. Tonight I will reach the 30,000-word marker! Still don’t know if I’m going to be one of the NaNo winners, but we’ll see. It’s not as easy as one might think to win this damn thing, LOL. I’m good, but there’s always better.

So I’ll be busy writing and probably not have time for Piggeldy und Frederick along with Barb and her class of idiots. Yeah, I’ve been watching German cartoons as part of Yabla’s immersion course. Cartoons are a good learning tool because the words are usually not spoken too fast nor are they too complex, but sooner or later I’ll have to move beyond cartoons like with my other languages.

As for Barbara, the more I listen to her students the more I see that she really does have a class full of dumb shits if Miss Outspoken does say so herself. I found a video containing a part of the class I hadn’t seen yet and wouldn’t let myself look at the German or English transcriptions. Instead, I just listened. I could understand almost everything, and I hate to say it, but I could’ve come up with better answers than some of her students did. And faster, too.

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 17, 2011
I have lived in Massachusetts, Connecticut, Arizona, Oregon and California. The next state will probably be Florida if I don’t decide to just leave the country altogether. I wouldn’t mind a liberal, Spanish-speaking country, but my hubby is as bad with languages as I am with numbers, so the Australian desert would be more like it if we ever left. Not likely, though.

I have been all over the scale financially – poor, average and even somewhat wealthy. I have lived in many places – rural, suburbs, city, private schools, houses, duplexes, apartments, hotels and even a not-so-fun 36 hours of homelessness on the streets of Sacramento when we were unable to access our money to pay for a hotel room when we first moved to Cali. I think I still remember every detail of the Walmart parking lot we hung out in during those anxious hours, and let’s not forget those jails and funny farms either! The jail stint came after lodging a city complaint on an old neighbor who happened to have a friend who was a cop, unbeknownst to me at the time. The funny farms – that one’s easier to explain. Mom and Dad simply thought I was crazy. :) That’s ok, everybody thought everybody was crazy in the 80s.

I have a very open-minded, smart, patient and caring husband. He’s probably the only one that really “gets” me, LOL. We never argue despite having different interests and personalities. Disagreeing on whether it’s too hot or cold is considered a massive fight between us.

I am actually bisexual, but whether or not I have any lady friends that aren’t just friends on the side is for me to know and you to wonder. :)

I can be selfish and I tend to dislike people in general but am still very compassionate and understanding. I empathize with people when they’re going through a rough time (unless they’re known hypochondriacs) as opposed to letting it scare me off and I do my best to help those I care about even if all I can do is just be a sounding board for them.

Known for my “brutal honesty” I can sometimes come off as offensive. I don’t mean to. I’m just being myself and speaking my mind. :)

I feel both accomplished in life and not so accomplished. I’ve done a lot, but there is much more to do!

I have made many mistakes in life but don’t regret them for the most part because I’m only human and because sometimes we need to mess up in order to learn things.

I like people that are honest and true to their word. As the saying goes, if I’m not worth the truth, then you’re not worth me. :) What I don’t like are people who only want to know you when you’re up, when they think they can get something from you, and who can’t accept you as you are. It is important that people like me for who I am, not what they think they can get me to become.

As a liberal, I find most conservatives irritating. Not because of what they think, feel or believe, but because they tend to try to control, change and manipulate those who are different than them if they don’t try to oust you altogether. If you don’t like/want an abortion, don’t get one. If you don’t like/want to marry the same sex, then don’t!

As long as no one tries to cram their views down my throat I try to let others have their own way of thinking, though I do admit that those who insist there’s no scientific evidence that people are gay/bi by choice really make me want to slap them at times. I’m sorry, but there IS scientific evidence and I didn’t choose what appeals to me any more than I choose pink to be my favorite color and to dislike spicy foods. And no, I was not molested as a child either.

I did, however, experience other forms of abuse as a child and I even abandoned my entire family for about a decade. Right or wrong, we kind of needed a break from each other, and I’ll admit I kind of got off on the idea of them wondering about me for a while… Was I happy? What state was I living in? Was I still married? Ever have kids? Or perhaps I got run over by a semi and ended up as a ghost sitting on their rooftop one summer day, happily sucking on a Popsicle while I watched them water their yard thinking to myself, yoo-hoo, I’m right up here, you suckers!

I tried to kill myself in my teens even though some people found it easier to tell themselves I was just “out for attention” despite the fact that a 20-foot jump really can be quite risky. I do not recommend it. But hey, ignorance is bliss for some people. Much like a recovering alcoholic, it’s not something that ever really goes away, but that you learn to control. It is dormant during the good times, but when the shit hits the fan in life I’m usually just a thought away from suicide.

I was a prankster when I was younger and while I have kept well within the limits of the law for quite a while, I sometimes find I have to bite my tongue or sit on my hands when the little mischievous devil in me longs to come out and play. :) Especially with someone that just might have pissed me off.

I like the things most people like – sweets, good music, movies, and things that smell good. I’m not big on TV series, though, and don’t have much time for them anyway.

I’m as religious as a doorknob, I sometimes have dream premonitions, and I sure love to keep fit. :) I run 1-3 miles a day and usually watch what I eat. Some days I really have to push myself to keep at it, but passing by a mirror and seeing how much I resemble the people in my fitness videos has a way of pushing me onward. Maybe at 50, I’ll let it all go. :)

I have a smart, loving 2-pound rat. Rats are much smarter than cats and dogs (sorry, but it’s true) and IMO make better pets. :)

When I was very young I did housekeeping and babysitting, then I was an exotic dancer for about a year in my mid-20s. Yes, folks, that means I really did take my top off – oh my! Don’t worry, I had my pasties on. :) After I hung up my dancing shoes I sang in my brother-in-law’s band for another year. Unlike most singers who could always sing, I pretty much sucked till I had training in my early 20s. I became a pretty good singer, especially after quitting smoking, but I don’t enjoy that or tinkering with the guitar and keyboards like I used to.

I am a total language fanatic. So much so that I am currently learning one I swore I would never learn and that I even find ugly – German. I am fluent in ASL and Spanish and know a lot of Italian. I also studied a bit of French, Portuguese and Esperanto, but dropped those 3 as I’m already studying too many languages. :)

Along with a little artificial intelligence work, I am currently a writer and even though I’ve learned to expect the unexpected in life, I don’t expect to ever make much money from it. It’s too competitive a field that’s very black and white. You either make it big or just don’t make it at all. I love to write, though, so I don’t let the lack of pay stop me. :)

I have been stalked by the same people for years, but am only sure of one person’s identity. She’s harmless, though. Not a lesbian or anything; just your all-American sociopath:)

That concludes my little 1,850-word bio. :) Next, I will leave you with some random facts from my blogs…………

I prefer milk chocolate to dark chocolate.

I will drink orange juice, but I can’t stand anything else with orange, including the smell of oranges.

I love rats, mice and snakes, but spiders creep me out.

I refuse to eat anything salty, spicy or citrus.

I have very curly hair which I hate.

I don’t worry what people think, they don’t do it very often anyway.

I am sometimes too forgiving and tend to care about people who don’t care about me, though I used to be just the opposite.

I dwell in the past and worry about the future a little more than I should.

I want to fly a plane. A BIG plane.

I’m partially deaf but I can identify musical notes without reading music or seeing them played on an instrument.

I hate temperatures below 80º.

I don’t mind the rain, but I HATE snow.

For a while, I was a bit racist about a decade ago after black people sought revenge on me through the law for complaining against them and saying a few things they didn’t want to hear. These days, however, I have no discrimination. I hate everybody equally.

I wonder why so many people don’t know when to use “there” or “their” or “they’re.” Or the difference between “to” and “too” or “your” and “you’re.”

I love bright colors and find earth tones boring as hell.

I’m sickened by the fact that some people get away with murdering their kids and our government gives billions of dollars to other countries while there are so many people right here in need.

I get most of my story ideas from dreams.

I think some of the cheaper and basic foods like apples should be free.

I believe people should be given jobs based on their qualifications, not their gender, age, race, nationality or sexual orientation.

I miss owning a pool and swimming!

I love Foster Farm’s honey BBQ chicken wings. I could eat a whole bag every day.

I love all kinds of music but am not big on metal, gospel, jazz or classical.

I drink about 2 liters of water a day.

I fear growing old and dying alone.

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 16, 2011
After 11 days of no visits from the troll, it returned earlier today. Yeah, we knew that promise of never looking us up would only last so long. But what’s weird was that she never visited Alison’s blog. Why would she come to me first? Isn’t Alison supposed to be the root of her obsession?

I wasn’t exactly in a great mood earlier. The fucking cock up the hill woke me up at 8:30 with some loud vehicle. It took me one Benadryl and one hour to fall back asleep. I don’t know if he was getting a propane delivery or if it was something he was running, but thanks to my being dumb enough not to have the sound machine on loud enough, it woke me up. It’s kind of sad that I have to literally blast the shit out of the fucking thing out in the country when I’m on nights. Why can’t this one person who’s over 100’ away shut the fuck up?! I wish it would rain the bastard indoors, but more rain means more bulldozing to have to listen to, so he’s going to be noisy either way during the week since he just can’t sit still and shut the hell up. So many guys out there want to do nothing but sit indoors in front of the TV. Why can’t this one?!

God help his kid should his mother die and he has to come live here. Jesse would just turn him into a regular little land slave and use him as an aid to his millions of projects.

If the prick wakes me up again I’m going to go outside and make just enough sound to stir the dogs up. That’ll wake him up for sure.

God, I would be such a little cock beater if the scales had been tipped the other way and I’d been attracted to them more often than women with the way they can be so damn annoying! Good thing that wasn’t the case lest I end up in jail forever, though not many men would report getting the shit kicked out of them by a woman. That’s why it’s hard to really gauge just how many men really are beaten by women same as it’s hard to gauge how many women are raped. They’re just too ashamed and embarrassed to step forward.

Paula usually ends up beating up on her boyfriends and she told me that the last one did in fact report it and she had to go to court and all that. I’m wondering if she’s in jail now for assault because it’s not like her to go this long without contacting me. I guess she attacked him for cheating on her.

I deleted some of the questions and comments about Nane. Yes, she played with my feelings in a way that was both unnecessary and unfair to me, but I shouldn’t use this blog to bash her. I said what happened and why and I should just leave it at that. I don’t regret the time we had any more than I do with Marie, my first cyber GF of sorts. I didn’t love Nane, but I did come to love Marie. Marie was, after all, someone I once went to school with and that I shared much more in common including what country we live in. But Marie was crazy and Nane was a head player, so that pretty much ends the cyber GF phase.

Someone said to me, “Come on, no relationship is perfect. What’s not so perfect about Tom who you seem to really praise and love so much? If you guys are more like just friends – well – you’re still only human. So what do you do about that human side or is that something you would never tell anyone about or write about?”

No, I wouldn’t tell or write about it, so I won’t even go there. And they’re right; just because Tom’s a helluva guy doesn’t make him perfect. I don’t care for the sexual side of things, though it was kind of interesting at first, and the guy can be a real slob too. I can usually get him to clean up after himself if I get on him enough about it, but there’s only so much one can do to change another person in bed. They are how they are, and well, men in general just don’t seem to have a goddamn clue as to what they’re doing if they don’t have some kind of problem to begin with. Not trying to be mean, but I’ve been there enough times to know what it’s like to have this one not be able to perform and that one not be able to perform, if they aren’t rough, fucking up, taking too long, in a hurry, or just never in the mood. To be a bit fairer I will say that I had a couple of women who weren’t the greatest either, not so much because they didn’t know what they were doing but because they wanted it every second! So much for thinking only the guys want it all the time. My husband has always had a low appetite, and like most of us when we age, I noticed a decline in my own drive starting in my late 30s.

While Tom is not your “typical male” in almost every way possible and is one of the few good-looking guys I’ve ever seen (IMO), I was drawn to him mostly for his amazing personality. Every other man or woman I’ve been with got with me for either just my looks or because of what they believed they could get me to become as opposed to who I was. I believe that if you don’t love someone unconditionally so long as there’s no abuse, then you never truly loved them to begin with. So if you’re thinking of buddying up to me because you think you can get me to like sauerkraut, think again!

So there. Now you know some more “intimate” details about me, and despite how open-minded Tom is and the fact that I don’t keep secrets from him, if I’m seeing anyone locally on the side, that will never be known to anyone no matter how much I may trust them.

They backed Tom’s hours up from 6am - 2:30pm and it was funny cuz he forgot to go home, LOL. He worked an extra 10 minutes till he realized – oh yeah, it’s time to go.

Poor Becky. She’s now separated after 20 years of marriage, but I guess her husband’s really losing it and she had no choice. Especially since he threatened to choke their teenage daughter to death. So as she said, their 3 kids and their safety come first.

Typical male, though, either making sure the woman doesn’t get pregnant in the first place or abusing any kids he does let her have or deciding he “never wanted” them.

Nothing interesting in the way of dreams. Just staying at some house with some fictitious characters from a book I wrote quite a while ago.

I wrote 3031 words last night and hopefully, I’ll get at least another 1600 done tonight. So that’s it. I’m off to enjoy another night of pain and hunger, though I’m already down 3 pounds since jumping back on the diet wagon.

Nothing from Maliheh tonight but I know she’s going to make sure she doesn’t contact me for 2-3 weeks.

Do I think the pigs are watching me online? Probably not, but if they are then that would be very sad to know that they would put time and money into me and not into real criminals. It’s their time and bucks, though, so let them waste it. Either way, if I’m going to receive anything they had the courts send it should be by this week, I would think.

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 15, 2011
Couldn’t sleep so I thought I’d do an entry. First of all, comments and questions can now be left anonymously or not. I didn’t realize till today that Tumblr came with a feature like Formspring that enables comments/questions to be integrated with the blogs. So if you look toward the left of the screen you’ll see something that says: Click here to ask me anything or to leave a comment. It’s under the Archive and above the broken Search feature. From there your question/comment will be sent to an internal inbox to await my reply. It will be visible when I respond to them.

Andy said he couldn’t see my last entry and the first few questions, but Mitch could see it so maybe he hadn’t refreshed the page or something.

I barely wrote 300 words tonight of my story. As I told someone who asked about it earlier, the story is running out of steam. I just can’t think of fresh ideas to keep it going and it seems I often hit writer’s block once I start approaching the 25,000-word marker. :( But since I’m bigger on quality than quantity, I may bail out of the NaNoWriMo thing, especially since there’s no money or other prizes to be had and everyone “wins” who writes at least 50,000 words. I haven’t decided for sure yet. Having to get a certain amount of words done a day is both motivating and stressful. But when you run out of ideas to keep things going it becomes stressful. Besides, the idea I had for the ending won’t quite work if I stretch it out too long, so I may be wrapping things up soon as I just don’t always have the creative imagination I’d like to have.

Later…

I asked Tom if I should drop the NaNoWriMo thing or struggle to come up with new ideas to reach the 50K-word goal. He thinks I should keep plugging along and maybe go outside of my comfort zone. I guess I’ll give it a try. I’m going to have to work all night long doing two chapters to catch up which will be something like 3,000 words – ugh!

Got up in the early afternoon. Didn’t hear any sawing but I got a dose of Jesse’s ATV and then he was running and gunning the truck. Probably giving the kid another driving lesson he doesn’t need for another 2-3 years. The kid’s only 13. Where’s he gonna drive to now?

Ran/walked for 30 minutes which I’ve decided is a good enough amount of time. My bladder can’t usually make it to 60 anyway because I have to drink so much along the way. Besides, more isn’t necessarily better. All it does is make me hungrier and more tempted to replenish those burned calories.

Tom thinks Nane is prettier than Barbara and that Barbara’s not bad but plain. I guess it’s a matter of opinion, though I did see some iffy photos of Barb. A couple more inches in the waist and one less centimeter around the nose wouldn’t hurt. :)

Irene seems delighted to know Nane and I are done with each other. I know she doesn’t mean it in a bad way or anything. It’s actually kind of funny cuz Irene kind of likes me.

Because of another dream, Tom decided it wasn’t worth doing the Barbie lot auction right now. This was the dream where I was laughing at what money we had saved up to move to a bigger place. I appreciate his confidence in my dream premonitions but I’m not sure I’d count on that one and I’m definitely not sure I’d count on the Florida dreams meaning anything either. Either way, he feels that if it’s a sign they’re gonna hire him on and we’re gonna move, then we’ll have room for them. Plus Barbies don’t sell for much anyway unless they’re NIB.

Christine was saying she knows what it’s like to feel fat, old and ugly. She regrets feeling fat or plain in her 20s because now that she’s in her 40s she looks back and realizes how much better looking she thinks she was back then. What was funny was how she said that when we’re in our 70s we’ll look back at ourselves in our 40s and think we were gorgeous in comparison, LOL. So true. Only problem is I sometimes wonder if I’ll live long enough to make it to my 70s.

My ear is back to bothering me almost every day now. :( I wish I could get rid of all my teeth! It’s the only way to know for sure if it is the ear.

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 14, 2011
Although it was a tough job, I managed to install Disqus on my blog so comments can now be left on my entries.

“Goodbye Nane, hello Barb, huh?” someone playfully teased me earlier today. Well, they got the first part of that one right because Nane dumped me today. I learned this after she apparently didn’t like what I had to say in my last message to her about being ignored for two months and offered no explanation as to why before deleting me on Facebook. No one but Tom is obligated to stay in my life but by God, at least have the decency to tell me why you’re dumping me in the first place!

I’m used to it. I learned about rejection very young, particularly as a child and on up into my 20s. Even so, what sucks is that I know I’d be quick to “kiss and make up” with her if she wanted to. Yeah, sometimes I wish I could be as unforgiving as I used to be. From around my mid-20s to when I was around 40 or so ago I was about as unforgiving as one could be. I wouldn’t forgive you for sneezing on me, and if I felt like playing with your head, leading you on or dumping you just because I had a headache and thought that was a great excuse to take it out on you, so be it. Then I started getting older and the guilt set in. No one’s perfect and that certainly includes me.

But I am NOT letting anyone new into my life even though I’m flattered by Barbara’s response to my message which I’ll get to after. There have been a few men and women who have truly cared about me, been attracted to me, and even loved me that was far from crazy. But why is it that the general rule usually is that if she has feelings for me or is attracted to me or both, she must be positively insane or end up dumping me??? And why is it that the ones I want usually don’t give a damn about me? Is there something wrong with me I’m not seeing? I was just being myself but I guess that wasn’t good enough.

She has a right to have whoever she wants in her life same as I do but I can’t help but wonder why I was dumped and without so much as a reason why. Why did she lie about buying my book? She told me to remind her to order it if she forgot since she’s so busy. Busy living the good life. Work, travel and her BF were all her life consisted of. I thought to myself, fuck that shit! If she were really interested I wouldn’t have to “remind” her to buy the damn thing.

And why did she tell me many times that she was attracted to me, what she’d do to me if I were alone with her in her apartment, how smart she thought I was, and talk me through those rough times I had a few months back?

Then two months of silence followed after that, including the deletion of a couple of pictures of nature and animals I posted to her wall, and now I’ve been axed completely. Well, it’s going to be strange for a while not seeing her around, but I’m not going to let myself be sad over this wrinkled oberflächliche Hündin. Maybe karma will bite her in ass someday and her BF will trade her in for a younger woman or something.

After Nane became the official cyber ex, I let her brothers and SIL go figuring it was best but hung onto Irene. Unless she too, turns out to be an Arschloch, she’s been very kind to me.

Just took a break from writing this to chat with Aly. She’s been such a kind and caring friend and I want to thank each and every one of you who cares (you know who you are) for accepting me as I am, and for being there for me during both my good and bad times.

Others also suspect that Nane was deliberately leading me on and messing with my feelings. Well, she did seem to be very hot and cold and back and forth. One minute she’d be all flirty, the next telling me she wasn’t into women, then taking months to reply to my messages.

I have another theory as well and that’s that she might’ve been uncomfortable by the fact that I have dream premonitions and sometimes “learn” things in my dreams. Things people are thinking and stuff like that. She seemed bothered by the dream I had of her confessing to having feelings for me, saying that that was actually true and she was just realizing this and “coming to terms” with it and wasn’t sure if she should tell me or not since I’m halfway around the world and we’d probably never meet anyway.

Well, how the hell am I supposed to know if something that I may dream about pertaining to a person is true or not? All I know is that if I have a bad dream about you, something bad will happen to you within 72 hours. But if I dream you farted at work for all your coworkers to hear, fell in love with your neighbor, or are thinking how much you wish your ex would drop dead, how am I supposed to know if this is really the case or not? Not everything I dream is true, for God’s sake. I had a dream my East Coast buddy told me she didn’t love me like Tom and I love each other, but she still had feelings that kinda bordered on love yet I KNOW that ain’t true. So not everything in Dreamland is or becomes reality. I would have been murdered when I was 21 if that were the case.

Either way, that wraps up my 15-month “friendship” with the German financial wizard who told me I was “fun” to swap messages with, attractive as hell, and a talented writer. Nane can take away our friendship but she can’t take away the memories of the few good chats we had, the wonderful eye candy she was for a while, or the great “leads” she made in some of my stories. I’ll have to fire her, though, and maybe Barbara can take her place, hahaha. Her contract’s expired for sure! Only she’s “playing” Anina in my current book, so she’ll have to wait and be replaced in Momentary Desires.

Hey, does she even know we’re still “friends” on the language site? LOL

Barbara’s message was flattering and she seems like a very sweet person, like I said, but she is not welcome in my life. Being in stories is one thing, being real is another. I’m tired of so many of the good-looking ones being crazy or mean. I don’t need any more “special” friends, and I don’t want to hear another chick tell me they love me or at least have feelings for me. I’m not going to believe them anyway.

In my message to Barbara, I told her how helpful her video was. Despite how hot she is she truly does seem like a great teacher and because she’s a teacher, well, that kinda rules out insanity, doesn’t it? That means I wouldn’t have had to worry about her pulling a Marie number on me. Instead, she’d just lead me on or ignore me. But yeah, she’s a fine teacher and anyone that has the smarts and the patience for teaching is a truly amazing person. I could never do it myself. I spent more time laughing at those who fucked up on the language site than I did teaching. I know, I’m mean, but I couldn’t help it. And oh how I wanted to shake some of them with frustration at times! One can teach someone something but they cannot make them get it, and so when this one chick kept applying Italian grammar to her written English exercises I just wanted to reach through my computer and into Italy and shake her! So yeah, teachers are pretty special. :)

I told Barbra I was a writer who loved studying languages and a little bit about myself. I was sure not to bluntly spell out that I was attracted to her, but you know me and my big mouth just might’ve dropped enough hints about it anyway, not that it matters. I’m not going to pursue any kind of an online relationship with her so it doesn’t matter what she knows. Besides, she herself said she doesn’t have much free time and wasn’t active on Facebook.

However, I loved how she started the letter off with Hi Jodi, liebe Jodi which can be translated as sweet Jodi or dear Jodi if you use “liebe” in that context.

She also said she’s writing in German because she thinks I can understand.

LOL, I appreciate the vote of confidence (hey, a German teacher should know), and yeah, I got the gist of what she was saying, but I did have to look up a few words.

Then she admired my enthusiasm and joy over learning Deutsch.

Whoa, not that much enthusiasm, I was thinking, as the language is still both difficult and ugly. Ok, so she may make it seem a little less ugly. Tall, dark hotties with nice buns and nice low, sexy-sounding voices can do that. But I’m more of a Romance Language freak as opposed to an Indo-Euro freak. The German was just an accident turned experiment turned Nane-inspired hobby that became a bit of an addiction for a while. I didn’t even want to learn German at first, but then a few thousand words later it was a bit hard to turn back. What Nane helped begin won’t exactly die anytime soon. Viel dank zu ihr ich kann schreiben dies (thanks to her I can write this).

But despite my not being as enthusiastic as Barbara may think I am, it shocked the hell out of me when she provided me with a link to a foreign exchange program that Cali has with Tübingen which is where she lives. What was flattering was that this program only accepts so many students and she seems to think I have what it takes to be one of them. That’s really sweet of her but I can continue learning right here online for free in a place that doesn’t snow. Almost never snows, anyway. It’s still kind of funny that she’d basically be like, “Well, come on over to Tübingen and I’ll teach you in person!” LOL, Tübingen’s close to Munich. Close enough to go stick her foot out and trip Nane when she comes down the stairs of her apartment building.

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 13, 2011
My bangs are now trimmed and soon I will get on with today’s chapter. Well, just as soon as the laundry’s done. What began as a novel one could describe as light erotica and still is, has become more of a cat-and-mouse kind of story. I guess suspense is still my best genre. I hope I scare the shit out of you when I post it. :) That might not be for another month or two, though.

I can’t wait for my hair to grow out! I totally hate the way it came out this time around. I guess because it’s so damn curly it doesn’t look right the way we cut it. Really, how did I get to be so damn ugly? I feel like I’ve never been so bad-looking in my entire life. If women rejected me back when I’d sometimes visit gay bars in my 20s, I can just imagine how many lesbians would run puking their guts out at the sight of me these days! I know looks aren’t as important as love and health and all that stuff. I would stay this way before I became loveless and unhealthy, but I’m still amazed at how truly hideous-looking I’ve become. I look fat. I look old. I have such a dull-looking shade of green in my eyes. And my hair looks pitiful! Despite there being only so much I can do to improve my looks, today’s the last day of eating when I’m hungry. Tomorrow it’s back to fewer calories and more working out. Exercising just 3 times a week wasn’t quite cutting it. Not with a metabolism this non-existent. I’m going to run Monday through Friday. The question is whether I should do it for 30, 45 or 60 minutes. I’m going to mix the sprinting in with the walking, but there’s only so much sprinting I can do. It’s like I’m in shitty shape at the same time I’m in great shape.

We’ve gone from unseasonable cold to unseasonably warm. We don’t need to open windows or run the cooler, but we don’t need the heat during the daytime either. It gets up to 80º in here by the late afternoon, but the temp falls fast once the sun sinks below the mountain.

I decided that if I don’t hear from Nane this week, making it two months since I heard anything, I’m going to play with her head by letting her have it and then telling her I’m cutting her off my friend list. Only I won’t cut her off. I’ll just leave her hanging and all confused instead. She was on FB today.

Andy and I still have fun playing the “journal game” on Formspring and I still have fun playing with spammers. I’ll often paste whatever I last copied into my reply to those wanting me to cash bad checks for them or buy 20 pounds of Viagra. I think I told the last fraudster that Ginny needs to try to escape in chapter 13. I try not to mess with too many heads, though, as I promised my buddy I’d behave. I am a natural little devil, though, so certain things are hard to resist.

I will have to restock Andy’s supply of “journal questions” soon. That’s where I copy a paragraph from old journals knowing it’ll get cut off since they only allow for so many characters, and in his answer, he completes the sentence with something goofy.

The rat’s looking to be let out for his daily dose of freedom and exercise, so I’m signing off now.

Nothing from Barbara, though I didn’t expect anything today since today’s Sunday.

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 12, 2011
After a warm, sunny afternoon the evening is now turning chilly. What’s nice is that I’ve been put in touch with that hot German teacher in the Yabla video. :) I contacted Yabla and told them I thought she was a fabulous teacher (sure to leave out the part about her being good-looking) and asked if there was a way to contact her. I would love the opportunity to maybe be friends and maybe add her on Facebook or keep in touch through email, though as a college teacher, I can see where she might not have much free time.

I thought I would be told that they didn’t have that information or that they couldn’t give that information out, but instead, I was surprised with an email when I got up around noon containing her email address at the university where she teaches. I was also surprised to hear back from anyone on a Saturday. The guy forwarded my message to her and she asked that he give me her email address, so I wrote to Barbara directly and thanked her for being so helpful. :) I wrote in both English and German, not sure just how much English she may know. I hope I hear back from her!

Barbara O is her name. Barbara is such a boring name. Not ugly like Jodi, but boring just the same. I Googled her name plus Tübingen where she lives/works near Munich and found other pictures of her. She doesn’t look as good in the pics as she does in the video, and she may actually be in her early 50s and not late 40s. She’s still attractive; I’m just not sure that she has the lead on Nane anymore in the looks department. She also appeared to be wearing a wedding ring and looked more “straight” in her pics, though Nane looks straight and was once married herself. It doesn’t matter. It’s just for fun and it’s way cool that she asked that I get her email address. It’s also still true that she is a great teacher with a great speaking voice and has been very helpful.

We ordered me what will probably be my last round of incense and oils from SOS since both their sites have gotten too expensive.

The dogs have been quieter. That damn chainsaw is making up for them even though it’s not nearly as obnoxious as the dogs were.

Chatted with Maliheh two nights in a row. :) That always perks me up even if I’m not in a bad mood to begin with. I guess I was wrong about her unlike with Nane.

It was funny cuz I was telling her about Barbara and saying her name was boring but not ugly like mine. She replied with, “Are you saying my mom’s got an ugly name? I think not.”

I was confused at first because I could’ve sworn her mother’s name was Joan. When I didn’t hear from her for a while I told her I was so sorry if I offended her as that was not my intention. I said that there are worse names to have like Gertrude, but I always thought Jodi was too boyish and that like most people, I hated my name.

She said, “Relax, you didn’t offend me. Yeah, her name is Joan and it’s not that she doesn’t like Joan, she just likes Jodi better so she goes by that.” Then she said it was funny that I should mention Gertrude cuz that was her mom’s mom’s name, LOL.

Her grandfather was shot and killed in a robbery in a store. Her father later worked as a prison guard where the guy was being held for murder.

Her fingers still go numb and her student count is low but is otherwise alive.

The troll is about to break her record and Alison and I agree she was probably scared off by all the cop talk. It won’t last, though. Sooner or later she’ll get bored and find her way back to us. She suspects that for now, her mother has the computer PW protected which has been their solution for keeping the troll from bothering people from her past before. This way mommy has to log in for her whenever she wants to go online.

It’s me that needs to worry about the pigs paying any attention. Yeah, if any summons I’m meant to receive has been sent, it should be getting close to when it arrives. Tom doesn’t think I’ll get one but still thinks “nothing major” will still happen anyway. We just don’t know what. If they don’t arrest me or try to sue me, what else can they do?

Well, I still hope God will protect me this time around after He let her ruin my life in the past.

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 11, 2011
Signing in to the usual drone of saws on a chilly, cloudy day. Don’t know if the clothes hanging on the line will be able to dry out there. Amazingly, nothing broke today, though yesterday I couldn’t access the internet from my big Mac. That was my own dumb fault, though, as I had told a program that wanted to access my computer not to access it. I didn’t know what it was and so I blocked it.

Not much pain today either. Yet. Another amazing thing.

The only other thing to break that I forgot to mention was the car radio but that’s because I don’t listen to it. Tom does.

We’re going to have to get something to kill the rat – not the one we want and that lives inside with us – before it too, can add to the breakage spree. We’ve concluded that it’s almost certainly a rat underneath the place and not mice. The mice would be dead by now with the traps that are out there for them. It’s definitely a rodent by the way we hear it chewing on things, but its movements are too much and too loud for mice. It’s also not afraid of any noise we make and anyone who knows rats knows that they’re pretty brave for the most part.

It’s now been one week since the troll was last in my blog. Another day or two and she’ll be breaking records, at least where I’m concerned.

I’m more convinced than ever that Maliheh’s ignoring my messages. She just changed her Facebook picture. Again. So she is online. It’s like she and Nane have dumped me without dumping me.

I’ll never get to act out my lustful fantasies for any woman I’m madly attracted to. God has denied me that in this life. But I sure have fun acting them out in my mind and that video of that German teacher is definitely more than just a handy tool for learning!

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 10, 2011
Ok, all this breakage is really starting to concern me. Yes, the overkill with things breaking has officially gone from annoying to a bit alarming. I’m typing this up in Word right now but won’t be able to share it online until Tom gets home and can tell me why my main computer can’t get online. The laptop can and I’m sure his computer can, but for some reason, my big Mac just can’t see the internet today.

A half-hour of running at 5 MPH burns just over 400 calories. But as good of shape as I’m in, I can’t run that fast that long. Therefore I was wondering if breaking it up and running 4 minutes 8 times a day would help with weight loss. My body simply doesn’t respond to dieting. It’d respond to starving, but I don’t have the willpower to starve. Make that the desire to lose weight bad enough to starve. But I still wouldn’t mind losing 20-30 pounds so I wonder if it would help to burn more calories per day or at least every other day. I doubt it, though. I think it would just make it easier to keep my weight where it’s at since it’s really all in the calories one consumes per day.

I have been completely energyless and I don’t know if that’s because my tooth is infected or due to the ibuprofen I’ve had to take. Once again I’m living in a bottle of pain pills almost every day of my life as my ear, tooth or both, and the pain they bring me return to being a regular way of life. I also don’t get why I’ve been having the runs on and off for 2-3 weeks now.

Got a reply from Barbara D and she says she’s sorry about what happened to me but it wasn’t her that I knew.

Do I believe her? I don’t know, but there’s no other person with her name that I can find that even remotely looks like her.

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 9, 2011
I’m now over 15,000 words with my NaNoWriMo book. :) So long as Jesse doesn’t do anything too distractive today I should be able to crank out chapter 10 in a few hours. After I do this entry and eat I’ll get working on it.

It’s back to being nice here. Not shorts and sandals kind of nice, but nice enough to keep the heat off during the daytime.

Tom said that the washer on the hot water side broke yesterday morning as the seating is rough and so it gouged the washer when he went to turn it off. He replaced it when he got in from work yesterday and asked that I hold off on showering till he got home because it’s hard to turn. Well, at this point in life with me working out and being younger than him there really isn’t much he can handle that I can’t, but I don’t mind waiting. :)

I treated the clog in the kitchen sink for the third time so maybe now the damn thing won’t be so sluggish. It’s not an issue when I do dishes or use the sink for regular purposes, but when the water from the washer drains into it, it gets a bit backed up and I don’t want to wait for the problem to get worse.

Sometimes I think there’s a breakage curse on us (though it’s never been as bad as the money and noise curses we’ve had on us at times) and that things would break on us more often than usual even if they were new. That was the case with our Maricopa house which was brand spanking new. It had all kinds of problems. If something didn’t crap out on us completely, then at least part of it would.

Well, if my dreams are saying what I think they’re saying, we won’t be here forever, breakage curse or not. I had another dream we were moving, but not to Florida. I’m hoping that the Florida dreams were just saying that we’d get there someday even if it might not be until he retired, and not just a reflection of my wishful thinking. When and if we make it to Florida will depend on his job and what I may or may not inherit. I don’t know if my parents set up some kind of a plan that may give us an extra hundred or two a month, or a lump sum of any kind, though if it is a single payment, I honestly can’t see it being more than 10-15 grand. There’s also the possibility I may still win a lot of money or end up with a reason to sue someone, but I doubt that much.

The dream itself was short and sweet. It was the first dream I had where this place actually looked like it really does. Tom was sitting at his computer when he said we had an ex-amount of dollars saved up. I don’t know what the amount was, though.

“And how much toward moving?” I asked.

“$257,” he said.

I burst out laughing for some reason and then we high-fived each other. I’m not sure what was so funny about $257 since we’d need a hell of a lot more to get into a real house. Probably around 3 grand. But the point is that I’ve been psychic long enough and have moved enough times to know that the moving dreams, which are picking up in frequency, probably are a sign that we’ll move sometime next year. If we do then that means they hired him on permanently at work as we’d never move with him being just a temp.

The rat was out for quite a while earlier and I think he fell asleep under the couch while I was doing the dishes.

Later…

I always preferred to lose friends by being honest than to maintain them by being phony or by biting my tongue and keeping my opinions to myself. Someone was telling me earlier that they liked the fact that I was “everything.” Smart, crazy, attractive, funny, blunt, mean, honest, compassionate, brave, unique…

I don’t know about attractive and brave, but I was thinking of the people who have dumped me or run scared of me without even getting to know me much because I dared speak my mind, and you know what? I don’t regret one single “friend” I ever lost due to my honesty and most importantly my being true to myself. Every single person I ever lost because I offended them with a “cold” truth they didn’t want to hear, everyone who couldn’t get over the shock of me daring to do something differently, who couldn’t accept me and my life as it is – I’m ok with losing them all.

There was a time when I was younger when I aimed to please. I would be willing to conform and put on false airs if I knew someone wanted me to and that it would make them happy. But then one day I grew up and I became selfish and therefore I became myself. :)

And what’s with Adonis questioning me lately? I wonder. It’s not like him to do so. Does he have male PMS or is it something else? He asked why “put it like this” when I posted a wall photo saying, “Sometimes the best way to get someone’s attention is to stop giving them yours.”

Well, I don’t think my not giving Nane any attention will get me any from her, but he knew it was posted in regards to her, not that I don’t think it makes for a good post anyway.

Still deciding if I want to shut my Gmail account down since I don’t use it anymore.

Things may break but we sure do a good job of fixing them. Well, Tom does anyway. He got the leak under control once again even if it may not last long, and he fixed the shower cleaner’s automatic sprayer. Now I just have to hope nothing’s wrong with the treadmill. I’m noticing faint whiffs of that burning belt smell that vacuum cleaners sometimes have.

We got a new shower curtain (colorful butterflies on a frosty background) because the other one that looked like it was made of a sheet turned out to be a real waste of money. You couldn’t bleach it to kill mold build-up and its softer material really absorbed stains well.

Tom’s not sure what the hell’s going on at work, though it’s still going well. What he doesn’t get is why they’re paying him so much to spend 70% of the time breaking down and dumping boxes. He also doesn’t get why some people are being made to work 60 hours a week or they’ll be fired. He’d be making 60K a year if he worked that much and they are talking about it. Well, they’re mostly talking about December being really busy and all that. They also seem to have a zillion temps from a zillion different temp agencies, though that’s not much of a surprise to me. Most workers these days are temps. Still, he thinks the dreams I’ve had are signs he’s gonna get hired on and we’re gonna move.

Alison said she gets regular blog views from Phoenix. I doubt it’s anyone I know or else they’d be checking me out too, wouldn’t they? She hasn’t heard from the pigs, but that’s just the twisted law for you. They can investigate me for sending a few dozen or so “spam” journal entries which I clearly stated I would stop sending to anyone who told me to stop, but not internet stalkers like Molly. The troll’s taking one of her breaks now, though. It’s been 4 days since she’s been on my blog and 2 for Aly. She’s never gone more than a week, though, so I’m sure she’ll be back by the weekend. Talk of legal action simply wouldn’t scare her.

I’ve lost that fish-in-a-bowl feeling regarding the southern sickos but still worry about them pulling something, most likely for spam or something they made up as opposed to slander, or what they would consider slander. I’m hoping that all the pigs were looking for was to see if I’d sent tons of stuff to tons of different people in hopes of nailing me for spam that way since a few dozen or so to the black bitch and a few others probably wouldn’t cut it as spam, even in Arizona.

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 8, 2011
I would still rather live in an old shitbox in the woods as opposed to anything in the city or anything attached to others no matter where it may be, but I’m sick of all the problems this place has! Jesse installed the new blower, so the heater is now fixed hopefully for good.

He came down with his kid last time around and when I realized it was only 2:00 in the afternoon, I asked why he wasn’t in school. Jesse asked the kid why he was out so early and the kid just shrugged. “I guess you just don’t care why,” Jesse said to him. I thought it weird that neither the kid nor his father supposedly knew why he wasn’t in school at the moment. I’m guessing he was probably suspended for some kind of trouble. Who cares, as long he doesn’t drive me too crazy with the damn dirt bike or ATV.

The next thing we have to deal with in this bummy old dive is an ongoing problem that only seems to get worse – the leaky faucet in the tub. The only faucet that isn’t a problem (yet) is the bathroom sink. But the kitchen sink, which has been upgraded along with the bathroom sink, drips if you don’t off-center the single lever when you turn it off. The ancient shower faucet, however, is going to need to be dealt with sooner or later. It’s going to be a long and costly job for Jesse, but throwing new washers in it every couple of weeks just isn’t cutting it anymore.

If the faucets were suddenly fixed, what would be next to act up, the roof? The floor? The place is practically falling apart on us! All that’s left to give us problems is the stove and fridge.

Now for my biggest worry that’s been going on since 2004 when we first arrived in Oregon. Well, the problem actually started long before that; I just happened to have dental insurance until 2004. So far I’ve had no problems today, but yesterday the tooth next to the one that was pulled bothered me along with my ear. I worry that one by one they’re destined to torment me for the rest of my life since I don’t think we’ll ever have dental insurance again. We could afford to deal with them ourselves for the most part, but then we’d never have a single penny left for anything else and I’m sure I’d just acquire a whole new problem once my teeth were finally dealt with. If it isn’t one thing with me it’s another. Part of my earaches could be dead skin build-up in the artificial canal so we’ve been oiling it to soften it down.

A fellow “sister” of mine, along with myself, left some less than kind words in regards to Donna A on their family limo business wall. Maria and my newest sister/friend, Lori, were one of the fortunate ones not to have had any problems with Donna. I didn’t know this till yesterday but Maria was taken in by the A family after leaving VH and even dispatched for them for a while. So while she understands Becky and my situation and respects the way we feel, she’s more or less a fan of Donna’s. Hey, to each their own, though. Lori left a couple of years before I hit the scene so she remembers Donna and Barb, but not Margaret.

Anyway, Lori said the comment was deleted from their wall but was obviously mistaken because it was there when I checked this morning. The As probably want to keep it as “evidence” in case we decide to really pick on them, but I’ve said all I’m going to say. And if Donna doesn’t read it herself, she’ll hear about it and remember the once 17-year-old troubled teen she ostracized and shamed for trying to kill herself instead of getting her the help and support she needed, thus making her sorry for a while that she didn’t succeed.

Nane doesn’t appear to be on FB today but I’m not surprised. She probably won’t be back until Friday or next week.

Later…

Here we go with the daily ATV buzzing. Is that the Jes pest or is that the kid that never seems to go to school?

I just hope Tom doesn’t do overtime today! We really need to get this fucking faucet dealt with. The hot water tank is going off every hour and a half and I’m not sure which lever turns off the water outside, so I’m not bothering for fear of messing things up even more.

10 more days and I would think that if I’m going to be sent any summons I actually receive, it would happen by the 18th as that’ll mark one month since the pigs stuck their noses in my Google account. Just what do they have planned up their sleeve, and are they watching my online activity? Well, I don’t care if they are so long as they don’t fuck with my freedom or our bank accounts. I will not lose another moment of time to this bitch. I will not lose another dime to this bitch. I will not, I will not, I will not. Like I said, they may not be done with me, but I’m done with them. :)

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 7, 2011
Tom’s replacing the washer on the cold side of the shower faucet yet again. It’s getting to the point where we’re spending more time fixing things around here than actually living here. :( Old places suck! Old apartment buildings that have been upgraded on the inside are ok since those are harder to hear your neighbors in, but otherwise old places really get old to have to be stuck in!

I worked out, was told I’m funny-mean, played with Nane’s head a bit, then let the rat out to lick the condensation off the slider. Since the main heater’s crapped out again there’s condensation on the doors and windows, something the rat is obsessed with lapping up for some reason.

I called and got to talk to both mom and dad. I thanked them for the IHOP GC and we filled each other in on our lives. Their weather’s nice, business is picking up due to the snowbirds heading south, and Dad said he read an article saying that Florida ranks #4 for the state with the worst drivers.

“What state ranked #1?” I asked him, but he didn’t remember. Probably California, he said, which makes sense. I would think New York and the more populated states would be at the top of the list, though Arizona drivers were pretty shitty too, when I lived there. So many of them crept really slow for fear of getting caught speeding due to how insanely harsh the laws are there.

I told him we hoped things would continue running smoothly here and that time will tell if the Florida dreams will come true.

“They’ll come true,” he said.

LOL, is he psychic, too?

I had a dream last night that we were living in hotels but Tom was still working. LOL, there’d be no other way to live in one anyway. Not sure what to make of that dream. The only other thing I remember about it was that I called to meet with some woman when Tom was at work. I don’t know if she was just a friend or someone I was hot for. I guess I was supposed to walk over to her place, wherever that was, at 10am. I called her a little after 10:00 asking if she still wanted me to come over and she said yes.

I called Jesse yesterday to let him know that the blower seized up again and he said he’ll be down today with the new one he ordered.

The thought of always having to live in trashy old dives makes me sad. But not as sad as it does mad to think that that’s all something up there seems to think we deserve no matter how hard we work. Tom busts his ass at work, I bust my ass here at home, yet we’re destined to live like bums so it seems.

I’m more worried about my tooth right now. The one next to the one that was pulled. It sometimes bothers me but this is the second day in a row that it’s acted up, making me worry that it’s going to become infected like the one that was pulled. If that’s the case I’ll have to deal with it and it won’t cost no $12 this time around. Now the expense is on us and not the county. I’d hate to have it steal our extra money. Like last time, though, I’ll wait till it’s excruciating and waking me up. It still sucks that I’ve always got to have something. My ear’s bothering me again, too. What a coincidence, huh? But hey, I still have “good teeth.”

Nane didn’t appear to be on FB yesterday but she is today, not surprisingly.

The troll spent some quality reading time on Aly’s blog yesterday but skipped mine. I guess hers would be more entertaining since she’s the one who contacted the police.

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 6, 2011
Went to the IHOP this morning and am now stuffed! It was great, though. Tom got an omelet with bacon, eggs, hash browns and pancakes, and I got sirloin tips with onions and mushrooms, along with eggs, hash browns and pancakes.

I know I’ve said it enough times before, but I am so, so sick of living in rundown dives! All ran smoothly yesterday, but then Tom got up to pee in the middle of the night when the blower started squeaking really loud and once again seized up. So it’s a good thing Jesse ordered a new blower cuz we’re gonna need it. I figured as much. There’s only so much fixing one can usually do with old things and this thing’s pretty ancient.

Later…

It’s all I can do to keep from “liking” some of the articles people post on FB like the one about doctors accidentally throwing away a live baby born in China that they thought was stillborn. So many people have complained that I tend to focus too much on the bad side of a situation and not the good. But every burden really does have its blessing and here’s proof that even I can see the good in the bad. First of all, China has a population crisis. Let’s hope it was a boy because that way they would be A, eliminating one of the members of the inferior sex, and B, helping to re-balance the boy/girl gender ratio they keep screwing up by killing baby girls.

I’ve been fucking with Nane lately. I figured why dump her just yet when I can have fun playing with her head for a while first? So I’ve been messing with her by sending weird messages like: Pigeon flocks, apple pies, mini skirts - what’s it all mean, Nane? It means I haven’t taken my meds since 1989. I’m not taking them next year either.

I was sure to let her know the day before that I put Chapter 5 on my French fries, too! LOL, Formspring’s question of the day was what we put on our French fries. Too lazy to answer, I simply dropped whatever was in my paster at the time and that was “chapter 5.”

Today’s message was a little meaner. It said:

I would share some more dirty dreams/fantasies with you to “punish” you for ignoring me for so long. Only problem is I don’t have them anymore. I have a new GF anyway and she’s HOT. She’s a real teacher, too. Tall, dark and gorgeous.

P.S. How’s it feel to become the official cyber ex that never was?

Anyway, aside from being strange, eccentric and brutally honest in a way most would probably find appalling and providing you with another classic example of why most either hate me or they love me but rarely just like me, I’m hating this cold, wet weather. I miss summer already!

After Becky and I said some not-so-nice things on the A family business’s wall, a girl named Lori requested to add me who was in VH a couple of years before I got there. I showed her Barb D’s profile pic and asked if she thought it could be the one at VH. She said it looked like her. I think it’s her, too. The only throw-off is the wedding ring she appears to be wearing. I’m pretty sure she was/is a lesbian, but maybe she married a woman. She doesn’t strike me as the type to marry anyone, gay or straight, but there’s more that says it is her than that says it isn’t her - the fact that she happens to be in MA, has worked at schools, has ignored my messages, etc. Even those I questioned about her have ignored me which suggests they may’ve asked her about me and then she put a gag order on them.

Aly’s home from the hospital and still hasn’t heard from the PD about the troll. How professional, huh? She’s now moving on to her next plan. Meanwhile, maybe someday they’ll get their priorities straight. Maybe they’ll put internet stalkers ahead of those who may be carrying half a joint on them or jaywalking. Again, such pros. Oink! Oink!

She confirmed that the troll does have family in McAllen. I gotta laugh when I think of how frustrating it must’ve been for her thinking yay, I can read her blog from here! Then I catch her and block that IP too, LOL. She still got a good eyeful before I caught her and kicked her out, though. Like I said, I wish I could block the whole fucking state!

Well, Maliheh’s definitely alive. She changed her profile picture on FB and a few days ago she posted on a local music center’s wall about playing the ukulele, another instrument I guess she’s familiar with.

No matter what she says about it “not being me,” I’m totally convinced that it is me and that she’s dumping me without dumping me, so to speak. I don’t know if she planned this all along, but I do know that the days when I heard from her regularly will never return. I think she’ll always have one excuse after another all the while she insists it’s “not me.” What a great way to push someone away that you don’t actually wish to dump or have to deal with regularly than to make up all kinds of medical and other excuses. These claims of hers may be legit but if her hand is such an issue then why is she urging people to come to where she works to sign up for uke lessons?

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 5, 2011
The heater’s continuing to work well but when I got up the blower was squeaking really loud. My God, how many more years must we live in old, ancient places! We’re either dealing with things breaking in this historical heap of shit or we’re worried they’re going to. At least I am anyway. I worry about the roof leaking before Jesse repaints it next year with a sealer. Again, we may not have to pay to fix things, but if this roof leaks, for example, we may end up paying big time depending on what it damages. I also worry the blower will seize up again and start a fire while we’re asleep as unlikely as that is so long as we clean it every year. That doesn’t mean I want to own our own place again and deal with the expenses and risks that go with that. That dream is long over and dead. Right now I’m happy with just keeping things running as smoothly as possible.

I’ve figured out what to do about Nane. I thought I’d wait till the 16th when it will have been exactly two months since I’ve heard from her, then I’ll let her have it for dumping me without dumping me and tell her I’m cutting her from my friend list. Only I won’t really do that. Instead, she’ll be all confused as to what’s going on. I just want to toy with her for once. :) She’s been playing with me long enough.

Miss Superficial appeared to be logged in today, again making me wonder if she broke up with her BF. It doesn’t matter, though, because there’ll only be something else after this, and then something else. I’ve usually got one thing after another going on with me too, but that has never kept me from keeping in touch with those I’m supposed to care about. People tell me it’s not me as they tell me one believable excuse after another as to why they haven’t been in touch, but after a while, even the most believable excuses get old and simply don’t cut it. I still say that if you really want to keep in touch with someone bad enough, you’ll find a way so long as you aren’t literally strapped down to a bed or tied to a chair or chained to a wall. People probably really do have the problems they say they have but I also think they use them as an excuse not to bother with me. Well, acquaintances are one thing and friends are another. So if you’re supposed to be a friend and not just an acquaintance, don’t expect me to stick around forever while you disappear more and more frequently, always assuring me that it’s “not me.”

Just because Tom is now employed doesn’t mean I still don’t feel bad for those who aren’t. It’s appalling to see the government fork over millions to other countries while it refuses to care for its own! It’s just SICK!

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 4, 2011
All was quiet yesterday, then at 4pm I started watching a movie and had to stop because Jesse was distracting me with the fucking ATV and truck. When Tom came in an hour later he talked to him in the drive about the heater. Jesse was apparently giving his kid a driving lesson. What 13-year-old kid needs a driving lesson???

It does appear that the blower is the problem just as we suspected, so Jesse said he’d be down around 10am, which probably really means noon, with a new one if he can’t get this one to work.

I’m wondering who the hell gave out my email addresses to the whole damn world. I check my main Yahoo account regularly, but since the other two were for sweeping which I haven’t been doing lately, I quit checking those a while ago because they would get hundreds of messages a day. But my Yahoo account can’t even make it through a full hour without some kind of spam or scam coming in.

Once again Nane appears to be logged into FB after being off it for about a week, and once again I’m sure I’m going to dump her probably by mid-November. That will make it two months since I last heard from her.

Later…

So 10am really meant 12:30 but our main heater is working again! He cleaned and lubed the blower and it’s working just fine now, but he also ordered another one in case this one craps out on us again. Just wish I could get some of the vents open that I want open and close the ones I want closed. I’ll have Tom deal with that when he gets home. I also don’t know why the bedroom has two vents since it’s such a tiny room at only about 10x10. I’ll want to close them when I sleep. Under this monster of a comforter, I don’t like the bedroom to be over 70º when I sleep.

I was showing Jesse the rat and he was saying that there are these giant field rats around here. Well, I’ve never seen any, but that might explain the sounds I sometimes hear underneath the place that seems a bit much for mice but that I didn’t think were cats, raccoons or skunks.

Next year he’s going to do the roof and the underside of the place where there’s this shit that looks like really thick cardboard falling from underneath it. The floors have been like ice rinks so I’m guessing there’s no insulation below them.

God, I miss living in real houses! Especially on concrete foundations. But I know there’s a damn good chance we never will again so I try not to dwell on it too much. We’re where we were meant to be. I don’t know why we were meant to live in such little old dumps, but we were and so there’s not much we can do about it other than just hope he doesn’t get laid off again anytime too soon. That’s the biggest thing right there. Every single time we start to get ahead something happens to tear it all down and so right now I’m just dreading the thought of getting kicked back. I have no reason to think it’s not inevitable after all the times it’s already happened so I’m trying to enjoy each and every minute until it does. Weekend treats like being able to go to KFC are a real luxury for us and something I’m enjoying every minute of. Same with just being able to pay for the necessities! When you can’t even do that much you know you’re doing shitty in life.

I don’t think my McAllen visitor from yesterday was the troll after all. I think it was someone she visited (it’s near her town) or someone she asked to visit my blog and copy it for her. I only thought it was her because people don’t always appear to be in the same town with each IP# they’re assigned, but usually just within the vicinity. The person also has the same provider so that’s why I thought it was her. But then the last known town/IP# she had been coming in from returned today. She usually comes in from Formspring but this time it was from MO. Either way, I have both IPs blocked. I wish I could block the whole damn state of Texas!

Alison had surgery today, so if the police have contacted her in regard to the troll’s unwanted attention, she may not know it yet.

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 3, 2011
Still no word from the police regarding the troll. If they’re not going to do anything to help us they could at least have the decency to say so. But that’s just the police for you; they expect us to be available the instant they might want to drag us an hour away from home to ask questions that could be asked at home, then they leave you stranded when they’re done with you.

As for my case – Tom and I agree they would’ve arrested me by now if they were going to. This still doesn’t mean I don’t have to be careful of anyone who may come to the door or that I may not be served anything I do or don’t get. In March or April, I should be able to find that out. If they did, it was for something fabricated. That’s the scary thing about digital. It’s easy to make things appear as they aren’t as opposed to something that’s hand-written, typed or printed on paper.

Back to the troll. If it was scared, it wasn’t for long. She got a 15-second peek in my blog yesterday, then tried again just seconds after in which no time registered.

Alison inspired me to join nanowrimo.org for the annual book-writing contest they have every November, though it isn’t really a “contest.” It’s just a means of motivating people to write 50,000 words during the month. For them, it’s quantity over quality, though I don’t know that I’ll actually meet the goal by the deadline since I sometimes get tied up doing other things or have trouble focusing.

I touched base with Andy, Christine and Eileen, but still nothing from Nane. I don’t even hear as much from Irene, but we did say hello to each other earlier today.

Later…

I got 7,007 words written on my NaNoWriMo story, and Molly got herself a good read this morning. Yeah, unfortunately the troll’s IP# changed this morning. She was probably able to read most of my blog before I blocked the new IP.

That is one bold and brazen fuck if she continues to follow us after I openly discussed Aly contacting her local cops, and you know what? I’d be willing to bet just about anything she will. Like I said, until and if she’s literally physically restrained from following/contacting us, nothing and no one is going to stop her. I wonder if a part of her actually wants to end up in jail. Maybe she’s not even aware of this desire either. Maybe deep down in her subconscious, she hopes to end up in jail for us because that would be the ultimate negative attention, wouldn’t it? Now all she has to show for her unwanted attention is us bitching about it. But what if she were in jail? That’d be a hell of a lot more to show for her efforts, wouldn’t it be?

I hope her IP# doesn’t start changing regularly. It isn’t that I’ve said anything in my blog I fear her reading or that I absolutely don’t want her to see. It’s about not giving her something she wants. She is someone with whom I’ve made clear that I want nothing to do with. To me, letting her read my journal is kind of like giving her the attention she wants and that I refuse to give her. I don’t want to feed her obsession and be her source of entertainment.

I also shouldn’t talk much about her in public because that’s another thing right there - she admitted on Formspring that she thinks us talking about her is “funny.” Yeah, I’m sure she does. Real fucking hilarious. I am only just beginning to realize the depth of this sociopath’s sickness. I don’t know the cause of it, but I believe it’s only a matter of time before she really messes up badly. Thank God this person can’t drive or run well due to weak muscles and that she doesn’t have much of a brain for this is just the type of person that could really be dangerous. God at least protected us from that much by shorting her in the brains and physical department. Still, it’s only a matter of time before she fucks up badly.

It’s cloudy and cool out today. I heard Jesse sawing, but fortunately only when I went outside to hang some clothes that will probably never dry out there.

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 2, 2011
Another day without the troll peeking in on me or trying to contact me, though as Aly and I agree, she’ll be back when she decides she’s done nothing wrong or nothing happens as a result of contacting the police.

I left Nane a message to let me know when she gets done toying with me, reminding her that two can play her game and that I just might be the better player. :) Just curious to see her reaction, if any.

Andy’s been on my mind a lot more than any troll or superficial friends have been. He’s been without power for days. It was only just yesterday that one of his brothers got their power restored so he and his mom could stay there and take their first shower in days. Before that, they played cards by candlelight and had to sleep with lots of blankets. They ate breakfast at home but had other meals in restaurants, something that’s got to be pretty expensive.

While I totally feel bad for him, something he said was a stark reminder of just how much more loved and looked out for from above he truly is compared to me. As I told him in our email messages, I’m not trying to play down his situation in any way for trauma is trauma. But when he described it as the worst trauma he ever experienced, I wished to hell I could claim such an ordeal, which probably won’t last much more than a week, was my worst trauma! But something like that would be so very far from even coming close to my worst of traumas, and yes, there have been more than one. A week or so without electricity would be a blessing compared to some of the abuse I experienced at home as a child or being tossed in foster homes, funny farms, and private schools run like prisons. It would be nothing compared to all the ear surgery I had, breaking my arm, and going through the hell I went through with my asthma landing me in the ER so many times like it did in the 90s. It’s nothing compared to having your choice to have a child taken from you, even if I came to totally agree with God’s decision in the end. It’s nothing compared to all the opportunities I might’ve lost out on to experience true lust other than in my imagination and stories. It’s nothing compared to doing half a year in jail, guilty or innocent, then month after month in seedy hotels with 36 hours of homelessness sprinkled in along the way, and numerous poverty trips. Believing your only choices are suicide or a slow death on the streets because you’re out of money and don’t see any way of getting any more until what seems like a miracle comes and saves your ass is a truly traumatic situation!

Unlike most people, we don’t have any friends or family in the area to run to in case of a crisis like what he’s going through. Sometimes I wish my closest friends weren’t in Massachusetts, Connecticut, Nebraska, Ohio, North Carolina or other countries, but they are where they are.

Started working on my story again yesterday even though it wasn’t without Jesse distracting me with that damn ATV of his. He didn’t come down here, but I still can’t figure out where he’s going on the thing or what he’s doing. But you know him – always gotta be working on something. Of all the lazy guys out there in this world, this one can’t sit on his ass unless it’s hot or raining. I think if he doesn’t have anything that absolutely needs to be done around here, he’ll make something up. This guy obviously wanted to live in the country not to escape having to have people so close to him, but so he could have land to play around on.

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 1, 2011
That’s the second morning in a row I took a nap. I woke up when Tom went into the bathroom because I only had the soft sound machine on to drown out the rat’s movements. I was DJing for a bunch of bodybuilders when he woke me, LOL.

I told Tammy about Molly and she said she’ll kick her cyber ass if contacted. :)

No word yet on Alison’s email, but a chief of oinks would be busy. The troll didn’t attempt to access my blog yesterday. I’d like to think all this legal talk is starting to scare her, though I doubt it. It seems that even though she knows what she does is wrong, she can’t help herself. It’s like an addiction with her when it comes to harassing people online. She needs to somehow be physically restrained from certain sites. I know her mother has blocked sites before that some of the people she harasses use, but she beats that by accessing them on her mother’s computer instead.

Tom worked overtime yesterday so he made an extra $30. He says getting out of having to pay for benefits and holidays isn’t the reason most people hire temps these days like I thought. I guess they do it because then it’s easier to fluctuate the number of workers they have.

I’d say Andy definitely lost power. He wouldn’t go two days without being on Formspring.

As for Nane; I almost can’t wait to dump the superficial bitch. I’ve had it with part-time friends! I’ll probably be cutting her loose sometime this month along with her brothers and SIL. I don’t want to let Irene go, though. She’s too cool. She’s the one who warned me about Nane, too. But this time around I’m not going to fall for it when she tries to tell me she had computer problems. There’s always a problem. Before the thought of letting Nane go made me sad. But all I feel now is a combination of anger and acceptance. Nane is never going to change. She’s always going to be who she is and there’s nothing I can do about that but remember the handful of fun but very brief chats we had.

It seems that the traps we got for the latest family of mice living underneath the place have been worthless. Might as well let them live with us and just hope they don’t do any major damage. Even though we don’t have to pay to fix things, we still get put out by it. We’re gonna be dipping all the way down into the 30s Thursday night – ugh – so we can’t put off calling Jesse any longer to fix the heater.

Anyway, mice are cute but I don’t miss them, or other rodents other than rats, for pets. Hamsters are dumb, gerbils are antisocial, mice stink and guinea pigs are loud.

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Last updated August 12, 2024