January 2011 in 2010s

MONDAY, JANUARY 31, 2011
I dreamt of Stacey last night big time, not surprisingly, since she popped into mind shortly before bed and I had been browsing for the latest online news on her. One dream I remember, one I don’t.

I guess Stacey’s still district manager in the same apartment management company, and her 13-year-old daughter was Dancer of the Year a couple of years ago at some gym/dance school she trains/performs at (she’s got 3 kids and I feel sorry for each and every one of them, too).

I’m surprised Stacey’s kid is listed as being of mixed ethnicity. I just didn’t think Stacey would ever date out of her own ethnicity. She always struck me as the type to only want to associate with those who were just like her, though I also picture her as wanting a passive man. Those, like her and my mother who are domineering, usually want mellow guys who they can boss around and who will put up with them.

I have written about Stacey in my bio which is at the beginning of my blog as well as being re-posted a little at a time, but I’ll do a quick rundown on her for those who might not know who she is after I summarize the dream I remember.

There wasn’t much to it. All I remember is that for some reason I had to live with her and her family as a live-in housekeeper and there was nothing either of us could do about it even though we both hated the idea. She hated having me in her house and I hated being in her house, though a part of me found it a bit amusing to know that she was just as uncomfortable as I was and maybe even more since it was her turf I was intruding upon no matter how much I made it shine and free of dust and dirt.

In one quick “scene” we were all piled into the family car with her youngest kid (Jake) squeezed in front between her and her husband Jim. The girls, Hanna and Abby, were in back with me.

Abby. What a boring name. Crabby Abby.

Back to the dream. We were approaching this Italian restaurant and the kids all started whining that they were hungry and wanted to stop.

“Yes, I’m hungry too,” I chimed in with. “I’ll work harder and longer if we can just please stop and get a bite to eat.”

I guess part of the “arrangement” called for them having to feed me too, LOL.

Next thing I knew they were accusing me of killing the small dog they had when they either weren’t looking or no one was home (I didn’t really), but we all still stopped and ate. The waitress there asked why Stacey seemed so hostile to me and I said, “Because she failed to kick my ass in court in 1993.” The truth was that Andrea, with whom she became buddies, failed to kick it with a conjunction against me, but I’ll get to that soon enough.

Okay, so what happened with Stacey and I? Well, she was the manager of the very first place I came to when I moved from New England to Phoenix, Arizona. It was the apartment complex Andy (who started going by his first name of Mark at the time) lived in which was the summer of 1992.

He, along with others, warned me that while Judy and Paula were nice, along with the maintenance guys, Stacey was a flat-out bitch.

But as we would learn the hard way about 6 months after I moved to the complex, she was particularly hard on me. Several theories as to why were thrown at me – she hated Jews, she hated gays, she had a crush on me but freaked when she realized it and just couldn’t handle it well being a conservative, married woman in a conservative state who would have her first kid in the fall of 1993. So since she couldn’t get the kind of attention she wanted from me, she got it in a nasty way instead. Looking back on it, her behavior does suggest the last theory could be true, but I’ll never know for sure.

I myself developed a little crush on her despite the asshole she could be. She sort of reminded me of a blue-eyed, blond version of Kate Jackson. She was tall and her voice and her mannerisms were a lot like Kate’s.

First she caught me with the cat I’d moved in with and wasn’t supposed to have since I wasn’t in a pet apartment. Okay, no problem, so Andy and I just dumped it in Stevie Nicks’ yard in Paradise Valley, figuring someone would take care of him since they had a lot of money in that area. It was either that or get evicted and I certainly couldn’t afford that. I missed him for a while, but I got over it and moved on. It was later confirmed that Stevie’s neighbor took him in.

Then I moved to an apartment behind Andy and next to a woman named Andrea who lived above a woman named Mary. All was fine, or so I thought, until Stacey dragged both Andy and I down to the office and spoke to us each separately. She mostly tried to get Andy to dump me and accused me of things I both did and didn’t do. This is back when I was still a prankster and I had been making prank calls to this crazy woman named Ellie along with a guy who lived above me in the first building and drove me crazy by walking like an elephant on top of my head so much of the time. Why they went to Stacey about it beats me since she was only the apartment manager and not the police, but they did.

I brought her a tape of Ellie screaming and threatening me on my answering machine and she said something like, “Well, those are the kinds of people you don’t have anything to do with.”

As I told her, I was trying not to, but Ellie kept calling for a while and eventually came to my door till I scared her off by chasing her down the stairs. That was it, though. Ellie left me alone after that one.

Stacey also accused me of vandalism which I was totally innocent of. I do remember hearing glass shattering one night after our so-called little meeting. I was out on my patio but quickly ran indoors because I didn’t want to be accused of whatever was going on.

Firecrackers were also shot off at my place.

The strangest – even creepiest – thing that she said was that she “knew all my movements and activities at the complex, and if she didn’t find out what I was doing firsthand, she would through someone else.”

It was true, too. She did seem to know it all. She knew when I was in the laundry room, when I was at the pool, who I spoke to, what we talked about, when I was home, when I wasn’t, etc.

“What are you, spying on me or something?” I asked her, which Andy said he also asked her.

One time I was in the Jacuzzi when she was trying to pass her after-hours number off on this guy who was sitting next to me. The guy kept wanting to refuse it, saying he didn’t want to bother her while I couldn’t help but feel like it was a trap of some kind. Like she wanted to give the guy her number to see if I would ask him for it or something.

Andrea had been fine till she had her 15 little siblings (no joke) over for a few days. The place was rocking. Even Andy could feel the bumps and bangs and he lived diagonally from her.

For some reason, Stacey had started being nice to me by this point. I would receive little gifts left at my door at times (mostly beauty supplies) and suspected she was behind them. As a test, I thanked her for the “gifts” one time and she never denied that it was her leaving them. This was after I started dancing.

Anyway, it was horrible for Andy and I, but Mary got it the worst since she was underneath it all. These were small 400-square-foot studio apartments. Andrea’s door was right next to mine and I listened just inside my door when Mary and I called and complained to Stacey. Stacey said it was overcrowded when she came to check out the situation, and that the kids would have to leave. So after Andrea said I “did the same thing” she said they would be gone the next day. Then Stacey said “I understand Jodi’s situation,” whatever that meant.

But despite the fact that I, along with others, clearly had every reason to be annoyed and upset, Andrea never got over being complained about and went out of her way to be as noisy as she could whenever she was home and not sleeping. I wanted to wake her up at night just like she did with me when I was trying to sleep in (I had to dance till 1am), but didn’t want to spite others while spiting her. So I waited until she drove me crazy enough to run me out of there and “accidentally” bumped into her door the night I moved out at 2am. Tossed some empty boxes and old wire hangers onto her enclosed patio too, on the way out, LOL.

Andrea ended up doing me a favor in the end, though, since I not only ended up in a bigger, nicer apartment (even though it too, could get noisy), but next to Tom!

Andy moved a month or two later too, and we handled her the way we usually handled people we disliked back then – by prank-calling them. I recorded Stacey when Andy was hopelessly trying to get the deposit money she’d cheated him out of and “edited” her voice so she stuttered like crazy, then later played it on the office’s machine when the office was closed.

We sent Andrea a wacky letter and all kinds of magazine subscriptions.

Mary later told me that Judy had asked if she’d gotten any prank mail. But Mary was always good to us so we had no reason to bother her.

In the summer of 1993, I was summoned to appear in court at which time Andrea (who had Stacey along with her) failed to get a conjunction against me for lack of proof. But it was enough to scare me into leaving her alone from there on out, and I did.

I was young, dumb and naïve in every sense of the word back then. Today I would handle such a situation much differently. For one, I’d be damn sure to let Stacey’s boss know that she’d given client information out by giving Andrea my new address.

Fast forward to 2007. I’d thought about her on and off throughout the years, but she popped into mind one day shortly before we left Oregon after being out of mind for quite a while. Social sites weren’t quite what they are today, so all I could find on her at the time was a physical address where I sent a letter claiming that she confessed to having feelings for me to Judy, and Judy asked that I let her know I forgave her for the past and shit like that, LOL. I was curious as to whether or not I’d hear back from her, and as I figured would be the case, I didn’t.

Then I wrote a story with us as lead characters as I like to do with those I’ve had crushes on. Well, I just sent a copy of that story to 3 of her coworkers, LMAO! Can’t wait to see if my journal gets any Arizona hits!

This isn’t the first time she’s heard from me online, though. I contacted her at work a couple of years ago, and told her daughter on Facebook to say hi to her mother and that I posted the story in my journal which I provided the link. This was back when I was using MD regularly.

Hanna’s profile and Stacey’s picture disappeared the next day, LOL.

I even called her a year ago but got sent to voicemail. I just said that I was told to call her. You know, enough to annoy her and let her know I’m still around and remind her of my existence, but that’s all still perfectly legal.

This latest picture of Stacey is even nicer. She’s aged quite well if I do say so myself. Her hair is just below her shoulders and parted on the side. I downloaded it even though I expect it too, will quickly disappear, LOL.

Later…

I’m having one of those days where I just can’t seem to wake up. I’ve gotten a lot done, but at the same time, I feel like I have no energy at all. So maybe doing a second entry will get me going, even if it means I might skip doing any tomorrow.

I still can’t figure out what that damn cock is up to during the week with the starting and stopping of the fucking truck. I only know it’s obviously not going to stop anytime soon since this has been going on for weeks now. He runs the damn thing for anywhere from a minute to several minutes, guns the engine, then turns it off. Is he just trying to annoy me?

Alison gave me some very inspiring feedback yesterday and is really liking how my story’s coming out so far. She feels that I gave her the courage to share her erotica stories which deals with dominance and submission. Just like with her, I’ve never cared to live or experience this sort of life but thought it interesting and that it may fit into one of my stories well. Her positive feedback helps give me the drive to stick to it as I almost didn’t bother doing this story since I have other stories I started as well. But in this story, Nane meets Tesla online much like we did for real. Tesla tours throughout Europe every summer with a production company that does musicals. Then Tesla meets Nane in Munich, and when Tesla learns that the U.S. has started to check incoming travelers for outstanding warrants, she decides to take Nane’s offer to let her stay with her in Germany. I’m still not sure what I’m going to have Tesla running from, though. Maybe theft? Either way, Nane broaches the subject of her being her submissive and all is fine and mutual at first until Nane starts getting a bit carried away and becomes overly domineering and even abusive. So now Tesla’s stuck between a rock and a hard place, not wanting to return to the U.S. just to get arrested, but not wanting to stay with Nane anymore either. That’s where the real suspense will come in; when she figures out how to break away.

I never would’ve come up with this idea if it weren’t for Aly opening my eyes to this whole new subject which I’ve never really heard much about before or explored in any depth. She’s been my consultant and an insightful one, too.

A couple of days ago I had trouble breathing. It happens at times and I’m not sure why, but it’s like I can’t suck in enough air.

He just left on the motorcycle and then came back. That’s the fourth time I’ve had to hear from him in just 4 hours.

I noticed I had a couple of regular blog visitors from New York. I wondered if it could be Marie accessing me from a different device and location. I figured Sharyn wouldn’t be the least bit interested in me and my life, so I asked Dorene if she had my blog bookmarked (she lives in Rochester) and was coming in regularly. She said it could be her or her sister.

I think that girl, Betsy H. who insisted on Facebook that her mother wasn’t the Jan I was looking for, was telling the truth after all. Betsy told me her mother went by her middle name, Lynn. But the Jan I knew never mentioned that name. The number I just called said to leave a message for Jim and Lynn. So I guess the real Jan doesn’t have a husband named Jim and 3 kids and 2 twin grandkids after all, and I may never be able to track her down either. She may not even be in K-Falls still, but I think she is. She told us she loved it there.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 30, 2011
Rain, rain, don’t go away. Rain, rain, keep Jesse at bay. Well, it at least keeps him off the ATV, dirt bikes and motorcycles, though he’s usually a little quieter on weekends anyway.

This is the first time in weeks it’s rained. It should only be for today, though, so it’s a good thing Tom doesn’t have to go anywhere today.

Why is there still so much childbirth on TV when each year (except for 2007) fewer and fewer women are having kids?

I’m backing up MP3 files on Yahoo. I’ve been at it for days now but am only on the E’s so I have a long way to go with nearly 1000 MP3s in my collection.

Tom and I were discussing the various options for buying a place. Of course it’s still going to come down to what he has for a job and the pension money, assuming they don’t screw us out of it.

One possibility is to buy a place in this area on some acreage and then go to a retirement community in Florida once he’s retired in another decade or so. The reason for this possibility is that if he is hired on and the job pays well and is going well overall, we’re not going to want to throw it away and take the same risks we took upon moving to California. This place not only has good benefits but a 401K thing too, which would greatly help with our retirement years since they would double whatever we chose to save. It would be a lot safer if we waited until he’s retired to move to another state because then we wouldn’t have the pressure of him having to scurry to find a job once we got there and worry about finding a place close enough to wherever he’s going to work. Also, there are no retirement communities near where he works anyway.

I’m currently proofreading the late 1994 and came across this interesting paragraph: When I read back on Maliheh, I couldn’t believe how vague and shitty a writer I was. I failed to write how she asked me to dance with her the second we met, and she shook my hand. And also how she kissed me as I was leaving.

I remember the kiss, but not the handshake and her asking me to dance right away. But my memory isn’t what it was in 1994, so I’ll take my word for it, LOL.

I’m still not hearing as much from her, but whether or not it really is personal, it’s okay. I’m running out of things to ask and tell her anyway.

Later…

Nane.

Oh, Nane, Nane, Nane. Why do I miss you so? Why do I wish you’d reach out to me more often? We’ll never meet. You’re halfway around the world. I know this. And I also know that we just spoke a couple of weeks ago. I even know that most people don’t keep in regular touch with their “friends” anyway on social sites, yet oh how I wish you’d pay a little more attention to me.

She uploaded a new picture of herself. It was taken down in Turkey. She just hadn’t posted it until now for some reason. But she added that along with a few other pics to her photo albums.

God, what a hottie! I studied her picture and said to myself, “That does not look like a 50-year-old.”

But I just have to be in California and she just has to be in Germany.

As much as I wanted to “like” the picture or leave a comment, I wouldn’t let myself. I still want to see if she’ll ever contact me on her own. I’m starting to think she hasn’t read my book or that she might’ve started it, couldn’t get into it, but is afraid to tell me so.

For some reason, though, I feel more neglected by her right now than I do Maliheh. If more than 3 days went by without hearing from Maliheh I’d miss her, but Nane’s really made me feel like she’s just not into me despite letting me know she finds me attractive.

Oh well. We can’t make people feel things they don’t and want to do things they don’t want to do. If she doesn’t want to be friends, she doesn’t want to be friends, and I just have to respect that.

And so I thought of a way to get her attention without directly contacting her and posted a couple of status updates I hope will do the trick. I made reference to my book and said that I wondered if certain people would ever contact me again if I never contacted them first. This is true, too. Maybe in a couple more weeks, I’ll post: Wish I heard from a certain someone here a little more often. I’ll give you a hint – we’re not related.

But then Alison really cheered me up and made up for this bored, restless feeling I’ve been having most of the day. I’ll discuss it in tomorrow’s entry.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 29, 2011
Tom had an encouraging conversation with someone who’s worked where he works for a long time. Apparently, they don’t give you any warning if they’re going to hire you on. They just do it. And they usually do it within 5-10 months, and if they don’t like you they’ll get rid of you before you’ve been there for 5 months. Well, he just passed the 5-month marker, so that’s hopeful!

I just wish I knew when they were going to hire him on and how long it’ll take for the insurance to kick in after that. If I knew they weren’t going to hire him on until July and the insurance wouldn’t kick in until next January, then I’d still want to get the ball rolling as far as dealing with my teeth ourselves goes as soon as things stop coming up to delay it and make me wonder if something’s trying to tell me something or not. But if we could be insured in just a few months, I’d be tempted to hold out.

His getting hired is step 1 to Operation Get Home. They don’t usually like to sell houses to those who haven’t been at a job as a permanent employee for at least a year.

I can’t wait until the day comes when it’s time to get serious and actually begin making decisions as to where we want to buy a place! Depending on what we have for money we’ll begin by taking the 5 states on our list and deciding why we should or shouldn’t live there. That’s going to be a pretty emotional time for me. I just hope that time comes!

Until yesterday I’d never seen a picture of Kim since becoming online friends with her. Yet she finally posted some pictures of herself on her latest Facebook account (yeah, she and Alison love to have multiple accounts), and I was like – OMG! That’s Kim? I could’ve sworn she once listed herself as “athletic” and in this group photo she has in her main account, the only one that fit that description was a tall, thin, wiry blond. That’s what I thought she looked like. So when I saw this absolutely HUMUNGOUS dark-haired girl I was both shocked and grossed out. Looks don’t matter if you’re just a friend of mine, but the poor girl really is hideously ugly. Her face and neck are HUGE. Bigger than Tammy’s kids. She makes me feel anorexic. Either way, she’s still a nice girl. A bit flaky and annoying at times, but nice enough. We chatted on Facebook yesterday.

I’m also using my dummy account on Facebook to “befriend” Molly. After so many months of her viewing my journal countless times a day, I can’t deny that my curiosity has risen. All I know about the nut is what she’s written and what others have told me about her. But who is Molly M.? Just who is she? Okay, so I know she’s not all there. But I am curious to know more about just what makes her tick and what her life is like, so faulty wiring or not, “Kate” will be her friend for a while, then she’ll coldly drop her like a hot potato.

I started posting old journal entries from the East in another MD account I had that I originally intended to use to back up letters years ago. I let people know who I was, though, and explained that they were getting a “blast from the past” and where they could find my current journal. I’m just curious to see how much traffic trickles over to MyOpera from it. It seemed to be quite a bit when I started backing up language notes in my main account.

FRIDAY, JANUARY 28, 2011
I slowly came awake at around 9pm. As fragments of dreams began to fade away, I remembered last night. I was just relaxing and listening to music when all of a sudden a blast from the past hit me in both good and not-so-good ways. I recalled the stress and fear I went through when we first came to Cali. Then I recalled our lives in Oregon. Not on the mountain, not in the motels, not in the duplex, but in the house. That old, scummy, rundown tilted house with loud car stereos blasting by every few minutes. Yet despite the cold, the snow, the noise, the condition of the microscopic house loaded with spiders, our lives were easier in some ways back then. Tom had just a 6-minute walk to work and I was more carefree there. I had my stressful moments and there were some annoyances there, but life was – I don’t know – more fun in some ways than it has been here. The money Tom makes (which is exactly what he was making there) is just okay for this area, but it was great for K-Falls where the average house rents from just $400 to around $600. I miss the excitement I felt over having so much extra money and the fun of shopping my ass off like I did back then, building up my doll collection like crazy.

These days, however, money doesn’t excite me the way it used to, not to mention the fact that I grew tired of collecting dolls and the dust in which they themselves would collect. I guess 36 hours of homelessness and 8 months of motels can do that to you. It changes your priorities in life. Where I used to focus mostly on what I could do with our extra money, now I focus more on worrying about paying for the necessities in life. Staring death in the face like we were for a while really changes your whole outlook on life. I’m less selfish than I used to be, too. Don’t get me wrong. I’d still be thrilled to win a shopping spree, and I still pride myself on being a selfish, heartless little bitch, but it’s just not the same anymore. Where I was glad I had no friends living nearby that could possibly pester me or make trouble for me, now I wish I had at least one. I won’t say which one I wish that was. It’ll never happen, but I wish it anyway.

Yes, I admit it. I miss not Klamath Falls, but some aspects of our lives up there. Jan, Liz, Randy, Estella, Jane… what are their lives like now? Are they even still there? I wish I knew Randy’s last name. If anyone’s still there, it’s him. He was one of our mailmen which I so adored. Maybe a part of me even liked him a little more than just a friend. And I think he liked me, too. Sure seemed to anyway. For some reason, when a woman likes me I’m usually the last one to know it. Do you know how many inmates back in Arizona had to spell out for me that Officers Palma and Johnson liked me before they let me know in their own ways? Yet whenever a guy has liked me, I’m always quick to pick up on it. Perhaps it’s because they’re less subtle about it that allows me to catch on right away, though Randy said and did absolutely nothing to directly imply that he liked me. But I just know he did. Yup, he sure did.

Despite being in Cali longer than we were in Oregon, no one here stands out in any special way in my mind as of yet except for a few folks back in the extended-stay motel in Sacramento – Michelle, Kissum, Josephina, Prasaad, Satish… though I came to not care much for Prasaad and Satish in the end. Prasaad was rude to me and Satish got my hopes up for nothing, though this could’ve been a good thing after all. Guess we’ll never know for sure.

Tom’s now lost over 50 pounds! His goal for this year is to get under the 200-pound marker.

And every time I think I’ve got my own damn weight figured out, it hangs on like the dedicated, faithful stalker Molly the troll is. Yeah, she’s the electronic equivalent of a female peeping tom, LOL. Always, always in my journal dozens of times a day. Sometimes hundreds.

So many story ideas but no way to get them in print as fast as I can think them up! And I’m a fast typist, too. But the voice recognition program sucks and my fingertips just can’t always keep up with my brain regardless of how fast I type. So I’m just doing what I can. I’m finishing up chapter 6 in the book I’m working on now.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 25, 2011
They finally caught on that we haven’t paid for our UPS Store box in well over a year. When the other owners moved from Elm St. to Bell Rd. they screwed all their records up and never bothered to charge us. Besides, Tom’s such a likable guy that everyone likes and so they were especially nice to him. But recently new owners have taken over and want us to pay up. Since PO boxes are way cheaper we’ll be getting one in March. It’s a good thing I won’t be sweeping for a while what with how shitty the economy’s been because if I remember correctly, they won’t accept packages from UPS or FedEx. If that’s still the case I’ll have to tell my folks to send any packages they may have here. Jesse won’t steal them.

I miss those days of winning thousands of dollars worth of stuff and cash! God, do I miss them. But the longer the economy sucks, the more I wonder if it will ever get better. IDK, maybe it’s gotten so bad that we’re at the point of no return.

I stopped backing up my language notes in my old diary since I found I could download the entire exercise video for each lesson in each language. I backed the PDF files up on Yahoo, then the whole thing on my laptop and on iTunes where I can play the videos. It’s way better than reviewing on their site because it’s a slideshow that plays on its own with both foreign and English captions and voices. I’ll only use their site from now on if I want to do the “magnet” exercises. I still like that government site too, just not how complicated it is to remember where I’ve left off and dealing with their HUGE PDF files which have to be matched to the proper audio files.

The weather’s been holding steady in the low to mid-60s. Where December was very wet, January’s been very dry.

Have I become boring or something? Andy keeps in touch but says he’s too busy to read my journal even though I always have something interesting to say. Alison and Kim don’t do MyOpera much anymore, and Nane’s become a virtual stranger.

I was just about to wonder what was going on with Maliheh too, after the longest break of not hearing from her when she emailed me to say that she’s still sick. She’s not coughing or sneezing as much, but is still rundown and sick of feeling that way. She’s due for blood testing, she says, but since that makes her ill when they do that, she doesn’t want them doing it when she already feels ill.

She had me cracking up earlier with the way she said she’d tell her dad, whom she didn’t get along with in the end, to “head for the light and leave me the fuck alone” when she’d sense his presence. She said that a moth was flying around her face at his funeral that really annoyed her and wouldn’t go away. Then she learned that some Indian tribes believe that’s a sign of a loved one returning to say hello. She had a butterfly living in her place for a while that she knew was him and said it was creepy and cool at the same time. But she kept telling him to “hit the light” and I guess he’s backed off since.

If I see a butterfly in here after my mom dies, I’ll be chasing it with a fly swatter for sure!

I kind of miss the days when she’d be on my blog every few hours. But I’d rather be her friend and hear directly from her than have her on my blog more often.

MONDAY, JANUARY 24, 2011
I’ve been missing her lately. No, not her. And not Nane either. The other her. I’ve thought of her every day since we stopped talking, but lately I’ve been missing her more than usual and more than I ever thought I would. I’d just like to respect her wishes and not mention her name even if some people may be able to put two and two together and figure out who she is. But yeah, I miss her at times. I know, however, that to go back in time would be to start a whole new round of trouble. Trouble I don’t need. I have absolutely no reason, no matter what I may be told, to believe anything would be different now than it was a year ago. So I’d rather just miss her, wonder how she’s doing and hope she’s doing well. It’s easier that way.

Tom still thinks there’s hope for getting hired on. One of the bosses was hired on after 7 months. Tom’s had experience with upper management, so hopefully he’ll be hired on in March. March would be my guess. That way they get to stiff him out of most of the holidays, and it’s another 3-month interval, too.

I still keep in touch with Andy in a variety of places – email, Twitter, and Formspring. But I haven’t talked to Maliheh in a few days, she’s been visiting my blog less and less, and I have a feeling I’m never going to hear back from Nane regarding my book.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 23, 2011
While Andy’s suffering at -14º I’ll be backing up my language notes in my old diary over the next few days or so. LM’s gotten greedy and their courses are no longer free. Therefore, I assume the free ones will disappear soon enough.

They’ve either got a glitch on their end or I’ve gotten that computer savvy that I was able to hack their old plus courses because, to the best of my knowledge, the PDF and audio files were never free. Then again, there was nothing to “hack.” I simply pressed ‘download’ and it worked this time. I’m glad I swiped what I wanted before they realized these files have been a free-for-all.

I’m considering dropping Esperanto since the sound files on that aren’t so great, it’s not a major language, and I’m studying enough languages as it is. I may even drop the Portuguese and just stick with my Spanish, Italian and German.

The publishers did get my manuscript submission after all, and sent a message saying to give them an extra two months since it’s #14 in the queue. Whatever. I mean, I know they’re going to reject it. I just want to know what they like about it and what they think needs work.

Although Tom said it didn’t get warm enough to open windows today (I slept all day), it has been a lot nicer lately. It’s still cold at night, but where it was wetter than usual in December, it’s been dryer than usual this month, allowing the sun to shine through and warm the place up in the afternoon. Even the rat’s been wondering why there’s no condensation to lick off the slider.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 22, 2011
You know you’ve been spending a lot of time freezing your ass off when 76º suddenly becomes rather toasty to you. It’s actually 78º in here right now with the windows open, but it was 76º when I got up. In Arizona, I couldn’t stand the house to be under 80º because it was so hot so much of the year and that’s what I got used to; constant heat.

“Stop jabbering about yourself which is the ultimate show of conceit,” someone in Europe left as a funny/rude comment on my last post before I deleted it.

Oh, I’d love to write about others in my MyOpera blog. But they told me not to do so and so I have respected their wishes. Blame my conceitedness on them, LOL!

“Do something productive. Help someone,” they also said.

I suppose doing Tom’s laundry and cooking his food isn’t much help. Hmm… maybe I should choke him not to death but nearly to death so I could really be helping him by “saving” his life in the end. That’d really be helping someone if I was kind enough not to choke the life out of them completely, would it?

Nah, I think I’ll help myself put back one of the few pounds I lost by taking a break from dieting today. :)

Maliheh and I talked last night, mainly about movies and music.

FRIDAY, JANUARY 21, 2011
It doesn’t look like we’ll get any snow this year. With February right around the corner, I’d say we’ll get to get out of it this year, even if all we usually get is a dusting once in a blue moon that doesn’t usually stick. The weather’s actually been very spring-like these last few days. I can wear shorts in the daytime and open the windows.

Tom’s been a bit rundown lately, but hopefully he’ll perk himself back up over the weekend. I made him a ziti and meatball casserole and now he’s in bed. And I’m now waiting for Maliheh to return home from the open mic she’s at. She didn’t want to be there but because the owner lent her some equipment for the Christmas show, she was there helping out. She checked my blog and messaged me from there on her iPod. I was surprised when I saw the Four Oaks, NC hit, though she says she’s actually in Hope Mills.

I never got the receipt of acknowledgment I was supposed to get upon submitting my manuscript, nor did I get a reply when I asked about it at another email addy, so I guess I’ll take it as a sign that it’s not meant to be.

This diet and exercise regimen I started last Tuesday seems to be the most effective so far. I woke up at 136.0 pounds on Tuesday and now I’m 133.8. Along with cutting my calories, I’m running super fast in place (though sometimes I zip up and down the trailer which is 50’ long). I do this for 5 minutes every hour for about 10 hours so my body is “tricked” into thinking it ran for nearly an hour at around 10MPH. I broke a “wing” though. I flap my arms super fast to work the arm muscles while I’m running and now I have a sharp cramp-like pain on one side of my upper back. No more wing-flapping today, LOL.

I want to get those latex exercise resistance bands so I can work more of the muscle groups in my arms.

We’re usually our own worst critics, but even I agree my body (not my face, unfortunately) looks much younger than it is thanks to all the years of doing thousands of ab crunches and other exercises. My stomach’s almost perfectly flat despite being as short and as heavy as I am.

I’m now wearing earrings for the first time in years. The good ear went in easily, but the bad ear took me a few minutes. All I really have right now are danglies. I want to get something small (and shiny) that I can wear all the time. I’d like a pink or clear gem of some kind.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 20, 2011
I wish I could say I was in a better mood today, but I can’t. Tom and I both worry about him being laid off, though he still feels they’ll hire him on at some point.

Although Tom’s going to continue doing research for the “perfect” dentist I know doesn’t exist within a 50-mile radius, I’ve decided not to bother with my teeth for a few reasons, mainly that it’s obviously not meant to be. I wouldn’t be suffering this long (since 2004) if I were meant to see a dentist, would I? And honestly, pain is all I know. I’ve lived with chronic pain for many years now and I just can’t imagine life without it, though it’s not like I’m in pain every day. So just the fact that things keep coming up to prevent me from going pretty much tells me something right there. That it just wasn’t meant to be and that I can handle my teeth on my own. They’ll slowly die off on their own over the years. But I just don’t want to take a chance of getting things started with any kind of dentist and a dental plan just to have him possibly get laid off. We’d be really screwed if we could pay for them to extract my teeth, then he got laid off and there was no way to pay for dentures. The free clinics in California no longer cover dental, so I would be forced to walk around toothless if that happened. It probably wouldn’t happen, but I don’t want to take the chance. It’s too risky to deal with my teeth right now with him as a temp no matter how much he makes. And it’s also become more than obvious to me that enough is never going to be enough. Not only is having a few grand in savings just a dream but so is having enough money. Even when we have enough, like we do now, it’s still not enough. But the main thing is being able to pay the rent, and right now we can.

For now.

Always for now.

All good things eventually come to an end.

I totally regret leaving Phoenix. We should’ve just learned to live with the freeloader’s chaos. If we’d just learned to put up with the blasting music, the screaming kids, the fighting adults, the vandalism, the trash…the house would’ve been all paid for years ago, we’d be in a nicer climate, and we’d have a pool. But like a fool I let them run us out, never knowing we’d have a lifetime of money problems because of it. So once again Tom and Jodi S have to pay for someone else’s shit.

The house wasn’t the greatest. The layout sucked, it was old, it was ugly, and it only had one bathroom, but it was adequate.

I also worry about something going wrong with the pension fund. Why wouldn’t it? We’ve been teased with money before, and something up there loves to tease us with it, so why not? It also took away two of our places in two different states. So why would it let us have a place of our own in the future if we were meant to have one? Something’s going to go wrong with that pension. I just know it. It either won’t be there or it’ll be just pennies.

The thought of being one of God’s designated little poor-ass bums in dumpy old trailers for the rest of our lives makes me want to scream. But I really fear that no matter how much we try to get ahead, something up there is going to kick us back, only allowing us temporary relief like it is now where there isn’t much extra money, but we can afford to pay the rent and put food in our tummies.

I haven’t been putting much in mine, though, cuz I’m back to dieting and exercising. Instead of running non-stop for 20-30 minutes, I’m running 5 minutes every hour for about 10 hours a day. This way I end up running longer in total time, but without getting sweaty and sore joints. I’m also cutting back on the calories, too. This is only the third day of this new setup, but it seems to be working so far. Here’s a sample of my menu:

I got up at 1pm.

3pm: 6 meatballs (200 cals)

5pm: a slice of cheese (60)

7pm: a potato w/ margarine (200)

9pm: cheesy cauliflower (40)

11pm: oatmeal (160)

1am: 6 more meatballs (200)

3am: fruit cup (25)

Plus I’ve had 1 regular and 3 decaf coffees throughout the day/night, each with 60 cals worth of creamer. I even stole one of Tom’s Oreo cookies.

Tom and I just talked again and it’s helped ease my mind a little. I still worry things will go wrong, but he agrees that while there are no guarantees with the pension, he still thinks we’ll get something. He also thinks we could still get a place even if we don’t.

I asked him if he regrets leaving Phoenix. He said no, but what we should’ve done was have a dumpy trailer hauled onto the land in Maricopa before investing in a nice house. But we’ve since learned to get the security before the luxury. If only we could get the chance to get it right!

He also pointed out that in a twisted way, something was looking out for us. Not only were we in danger in Phoenix, but the Maricopa/Stanfield/Casa Grande area has become a very dangerous place thanks to the Mexican drug cartel. And Oregon turned out to be a favor in itself what with how cold it was there, and up on Bly Mountain where we were going to build a place, it was much snowier. So between the dangers of driving in several feet of snow on such steep inclines, and the risk of forest fires in the summer, it worked out for the better. I just worry there’s no place for us anywhere and that we’re going to spend most of our lives struggling no matter what.

Due to the economy being so bad, the pension people could invest in it poorly, leaving us with nothing and no way to sue for any kind of compensation for being screwed out of the money. While we certainly hope to hell this doesn’t happen, it would be just our shit luck.

Regardless of what the future holds, it was a nice day today and I could open the windows for a while when I was cleaning the bathroom.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 19, 2011
Got up at noon and was amazingly blessed with 3 hours of peace and quiet. Then Jesse took off somewhere and left us with the barking, though I only heard a couple of barking fits. One when he left, one when he returned. Nothing continuous, but still annoying. I was trying to watch a fucking movie.

I was actually watching a documentary on the concentration camps in Germany in the 40s. After seeing such horror I realize that I’m okay after all. Not even my most meanest, most selfish, most evil of thoughts compare to the horror I saw done to those poor prisoners. I’ve had some seriously ghoulish thoughts pertaining to some people that have screwed me over in life, but what I saw in this documentary had me ashamed and embarrassed to even think of calling the Nazis “fellow human beings.” Those weren’t human beings. Those were animals.

I was pleased to get an email from Maliheh shortly after I awoke. She’s still sick but getting better. She said she may be busy and tired and unable to chat for a couple of days but we’ll chat as soon as we can. I told her I understood and that I appreciated her checking in regularly and said that she really seems to care about me.

“I do care,” she said.

Awww…

TUESDAY, JANUARY 18, 2011
I skipped a day of posting because there truly isn’t much going on. My life is that adventureless, LOL.

Besides wondering if I should cut my hair off since it’s such a pain in the ass and I’m just never going to have the thin straight hair I wish I had, I’ve been wondering when this sexist country is going to have a holiday on account of a woman other than Mother’s Day. How about Amelia Earhart Day? It seems a lot more impressive to fly around the world than it does to “have a dream.”

Everybody has a dream.

For now, the almighty male will rule despite the fact that your average woman is much smarter (and better looking), and I’ll just deal with these thick, waist-length curls.

Oh, wait. There are two more things I’m wondering, actually. How many more months, or even years, will Molly stalk me? And how did I come to be the stalking victim of a complete stranger? Aren’t we usually supposed to know our stalkers unless we’re celebrities? Well, I’m no celebrity. The Arizona Republic sure tried to make one out of me for a while, but their success was incredibly short-lived.

Jesse was amazingly quiet yesterday and so far today, too. His dogs drove me crazy Friday and Saturday nights, but there hasn’t been nearly as much in the way of engine gunning. I only heard him once or twice yesterday, then I heard the truck come in shortly after I got up at 10:00 this morning. I’ve got the sound machine going now since I’m sure he’ll come and go a few more times between now and 6pm.

Later…

For the millionth time, why does God let good things happen to bad people??? I’m talking about Barbara I., the bitch that lived next to me in the projects in Norwich, CT when I was 26 in 1992. The mean bully who took advantage of how sick and weak I was (with severe asthma) and threatened me for trying to get her to control her fucking kids that were like two-legged animals. Their 9-year-old daughter wasn’t so bad, but their 3 older sons were a nightmare. Barbara took pride in flaunting her so-called toughness, and I honestly don’t know which of us was luckier that I was as defenseless as I was at the time since she would’ve spent time in the hospital and I would’ve spent time in jail.

She popped into mind earlier and I thought how I would just love to be threatened by her right now as a non-smoking, fit and healthy individual. Immature or not, I would love to see the look of embarrassment on her face after I picked her apart limb by limb.

I always said that I truly believe God protects my perps. No matter how bad they may burn me, I know they have His full protection. This really bothers me, too. Someone could kill me right now and I know God would see to it that they were never caught or punished in any way shape or form. Andy tried to assure me by saying that we’ll never know when those who wrong us get theirs and that karma really does exist. Oh, I know it does. It just doesn’t seem to exist for anyone who’s ever wronged me. And I doubt it will for anyone who ever may screw me over in the future as well. The only one that’s paid for certain assholes (I won’t bother naming all the names) is me. Just me. If any payback’s coming to them, it ain’t coming in this life. That much I do know.

“God doesn’t just protect them,” I complained to Tom one day years ago, “He rewards them. I wouldn’t be surprised if some of my perps have won the lottery.”

So I looked for her on Facebook and was surprised to be unable to find her, her husband or their 4 animals. Instead, I found an article saying that she was awarded 8 million bucks in court!

Thanks, God, I thought to myself and started seething with rage. But then when I saw what she went through and is still going through I felt a little better, but only a little. The bitch smoked for 25 years, and 5 years after I last saw her, she had her larynx removed at age 36. She now breathes through a tube in her throat, has no sense of smell, and can only eat soft foods.

Hmm… guess she won’t be threatening anyone anymore. Especially those she knows are too damn sick to defend themselves. I used to smoke too, and between that, bad asthma and allergies, and the stress they put on me and the sleep the fucking animals stole from me, I was sicker than a dog while I lived with her and her brood. She and her family made my life a living hell for 4 months, ultimately causing me to have a breakdown and end up hospitalized for a couple of weeks before my folks sent me to Arizona.

While it’s gotta be a real bitch walking around with a tube stuck in your throat, wouldn’t all that money more than make up for it? I would think that with all the comfort and security she can now afford, even though she didn’t win the money till last year, all the things she could do with the money would take her mind off of any tubes.

“Now I can go to any doctor I wish,” she was quoted as saying.

And I’m still sitting here wondering where I can go to get my teeth taken care of. I also wonder if we’re really going to be able to come up with the grand or so we’ll need in a few months like Tom says we will. That’s about the cheapest we can find that’s not a million miles away, but we’re still researching our options. Unlike her, I certainly can’t go to any doctor or dentist I wish. We wanted a place that makes dentures, figuring it’d be cheaper that way, but we just can’t find anything around us. A grand for the plan we found is better than 2 grand without it, but it still sucks to have to spend so much money because no one will hire him on or pay us for our own hardships in life.

Really, I have no sympathy for Barbara. She could have quit just like I did. Instead, she chose to go out and keep buying cigarettes. Quitting isn’t easy, but if I can do it so can others. It was her choice to smoke until she got cancer. The cigarette company didn’t force her to go out and buy their cigarettes, and it clearly says right there on their products that cigarettes are harmful to your health. Wish I could get paid for some of the stupid choices I’ve made in life! Too bad I’m not the type to go out and pick on those who are ill and defenseless. That may up my chances of that happening.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 16, 2011
Finally heard from Maliheh and am talking to her now. We’re swapping emails. She’s been sick and says she’s been sleeping a lot and it’s nothing personal. I figured that was the case.

As for Nane, I wonder if she really ever intended to read my book in the first place. I guess time will tell.

It’s been a quiet day so far, but the day is still young and so I know I’ll hear something from Jesse and his fucking dogs sooner or later. Yesterday I only heard vehicles twice, but he was out all day and all night. This meant that once it got dark, the dogs went crazy.

Wish I had more to say as I’m in a writing mood, but I don’t. Just that it’ll be in the 60s again today and we’ll be able to keep the heat off for a good 10 hours or so. I guess I’ll spend most of the day proofreading and working on my story.

Later…

I wasn’t going to write anymore today but decided to say that I decided to submit Evil Amongst the Evergreens to the publishers. I don’t expect them to accept it, but at least if they reject it they’ll tell me why. I’ll know by March.

I’m getting sick of a certain furry bastard’s destructiveness. Yeah, he thinks that if it dangles, it must be a toy. That meant literally biting off the shiny heart pendant on my necklace and running across the room with it. I chased him down and grabbed it out of his mouth, then he got thrown into his cage for a while. The chain is still intact, but he demolished the finding that held the crystal heart on. So for now I attached the heart to a pearly beaded necklace with thread and threw it on my Joy doll. It actually looks quite good on her and goes well with the shiny gold accents in her outfit.

This damn rat needs to learn to keep his mouth off of things, though!

I chatted with Maliheh today. :) Not long after I got up I received a message asking, “You there?” And so we swapped a few emails. She’s still sick, unfortunately, and says she’s been sleeping a lot and that it’s nothing personal. Hopefully, she’ll remember to scald her throat the next time around as soon as her throat feels scratchy or sore before the virus has a chance to spread.

I was surprised to learn she makes only $800 a month. If the rents in her area range from $800-$1000 excluding utilities like she said, how can she swing it?

At least she’s happy doing what she does. She charges $20 for a half-hour lesson, and could always go to full-time hours and gather more students if need be. She said she’s happy with what she makes but could use more. Same for us! Enough is never enough for us, but at the same time, we are making enough right now.

She said building up a clientele was slow at first and she doesn’t always know how many students she’ll have from month to month, and while that can get a little scary, it beats working at McDonald’s. She’s been her own boss since college and says that for her it’s the only way to go.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 15, 2011
I’m so fucking pissed! Tom has to lose yet another day of work, this time thanks to MLK Day. Every single month there’s something. Next month it will be President’s Day. So Monday we’ll get to lose another $100 all because some cock “had a dream.” I had a dream, too. That dream was about someone, somewhere hiring him on in a world of ever-growing temps. Should we make my dream a fucking holiday, too?

Other than the usual engine gunning sprees and barking fits, we went out for a while. We picked up the mail and browsed around Goodwill. They had a shitty selection of incense, dolls and stuffed animals, and they didn’t have any wind chimes. They did have a whirly gig which I got because my other one broke. This one’s nicer and more colorful. It was only $2.

For just $5 we got an excellent sound machine for the kitchen since a certain someone seems to think his responsibility as a dog owner stops when he leaves his house. It works great, though, and has a good selection of sounds. It’s kind of sad that whether we’re in the city or out in the country we have to have them going if we don’t want to hear anyone else’s shit, but it’s better than having no defense at all. At least this way I’m not as likely to have my train of thought disrupted when I’m writing, though it makes it hard to do my language studies or watch movies. I wanted to watch a movie last night, but the prick was out, the dogs went crazy, and so I went to Gamesville instead and tried to win a few hundred bucks at bingo to no avail. Maybe tonight I’ll be able to watch something.

I saw Fatal Rescue a few nights ago. It was damn good, too.

On the way back we grabbed some KFC. It’s been a while since we stopped there so it was a nice treat. Tomorrow, however, it’s back to dieting and exercising.

I made a half-assed attempt to sew Velcro hooks onto my robe to replace the belt. It will hold but I should’ve cut longer strips. I’ll redo it some other time. I like it better than the belt because the belt slips loose as I wear it.

The weather’s been nice. Chilly at night, but fit for shorts during the afternoons. We’ve had the heat off for 9 hours now, too.

It seems no matter how many times I swear I won’t talk to Nane unless she contacts me first, I go and say hi on her wall or send her a message or something. But hey, I’m getting better because I went for two weeks this time around. So I won’t contact her till around February 7th unless I hear from her first, making the next time around a 3-week reign of silence. Or maybe I won’t bother. I mean, what’s the point? She did say, however, that she’ll let me know when she’s read my book.

In other news, she told me she had fun swimming, sunbathing, shopping, drinking and enjoying the warm weather in Turkey. Oh, and she was with a 31-year-old guy, too. I don’t know if she went down there with him or if she went to some club and met him there, but she says she’s “not one of those cougars, it just happens.”

And it just “happens” that no opportunity ever presents itself to me here in the good ole USA. Should I be all that surprised, though? I live like a hermit.

FRIDAY, JANUARY 14, 2011
I’ll still finish her story, but Nane is never going to hear from me again if I don’t hear from her again, I missed chatting with Maliheh last night, and I woke up with a backache.

I miss having a full-wave waterbed. As soon as we get a place of our own and have a bedroom that’s not so damn small, I think I will get one. Foam mattresses are great. It’s just that they sag over time.

We rarely get take-out, so on his way home from work yesterday Tom stopped and grabbed some fast food. I made sure I didn’t eat much all day so I would be nice and hungry and could really enjoy it. But after I’d eaten my burger, fries, Cheetos cheese puffs and drank my strawberry soda, I couldn’t keep my eyes open. As a person who is twice blessed, I have at least two things to look forward to each day – him by day, her by night. But instead I ate myself to sleep. :( And she’s been sick too, and probably could’ve used the “company.”

In the message that was waiting for me when I got up, she said she didn’t have a fever but was still sick. She also said she was about to tell me something about her nobody really knows – an earth-shattering biggie - and that’s that she likes to sleep with the light on when she’s sick. Normally she likes it dark, though.

First of all, there’s nothing wrong or earth-shattering about that. Secondly, if she’s been in relationships before, wouldn’t her exes know this?

I posted all of Evil Amongst the Evergreens in my story journal and started posting Digital Confessions.

Jesse’s been out tending the land, as usual, and has already come and gone a few times. I think I’ll stick my earplug in soon.

There’s nothing like stepping out of the shower smelling of bleach. :( Why’d he have to go and dump so damn much in the tank? Thank God for perfume!

Once a month Tom’s going to make a Walmart run so we can save money on non-edibles and stuff like that. I keep a master grocery list and make the weekly list from that. That way I can never forget anything. And if I get into something new, I add it to the list. It really helps make the shopping more organized and faster.

Okay, the house is clean, the laundry is done (for now), and so now I’m free to goof off for the rest of the day. I’ll still look for MT work and get chapter 5 of my story going on and off, but it will be nice not to have any more cleaning to do.

Later…

“I said F chord. What do you not get about F?” Stephan, AKA Steve, said to me one weekend in 1989.

“But F is kind of hard to play,” I said. “Especially with steel strings instead of nylon. Besides, I’ve been focusing on the keyboard more because it’s easier than the guitar and my calluses have softened and my fingertips feel like I placed them on the stove.”

Laughing and rolling his eyes, Steve took his hands from his own keyboard and then took my guitar and placed it on his couch nearby where we sat in his tiny living room. We lived in the same apartment building.

“Okay, just sing,” said the 6-foot, 4-inch black guy with the friendly white smile. “Cuz lord knows that’s about all you can do well enough when it comes to music. Just sing.”

And so he played while I sang. And 22 years later I still wonder whatever became of the guy that would have loved to have married me had I not had to have my cake and eat it too, and be attracted to a person I may be intimate with. If I had been one of those looks-don’t-matter types, though, I never would’ve met Tom. But Steve was such a great guy. His last name is fairly common so I couldn’t just look him up. Especially since I don’t even know what state he’s in these days. He was originally from Chicago, was working at Westover Air Force Base in W. Springfield, MA, then supposedly moved here to Cali. But Cali alone is a lot of ground to cover. I really wouldn’t even know where to begin as far as finding him goes.

They need to create a different kind of Facebook. A lost and found kind of a site that lets a person type in the name of a person they’re looking for, where you knew them, how you knew them, what you knew about them, and then if a person wants to they can type in their name and see if anyone’s been looking for them.

And whatever happened to Angie, the girl from Natchaug Hospital I briefly knew in 1992 before leaving for Arizona? I was 89 pounds, barely 4’ 11”, and had recently had a breakdown. She was my roommate and she liked to write in a journal, too. One day she got upset about something and decided to take it out on me by threatening to put my head through the wall.

Tossing my little pink teddy bear aside, I jumped up off my bed – so what if she were more than a few inches taller than me and a hell of a lot more than a few pounds heavier – and charged over to where she stood to brush her hair before the aluminum mirror. “Don’t you ever threaten me! Threaten me again and I’ll make you just try to put your actions where your mouth is!”

She turned around and stared into my eyes. She must’ve seen something pretty scary in them because she took a step back, apologized and left the room. That was cool. I didn’t want to fight. But I didn’t want her (or anyone else) thinking they could threaten me at will either.

The next day she asked to be moved out of our room.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 13, 2011
Jesse may be an annoying landlord, but he is a good one just the same. When something needs to be done around here, he does it.

The water pressure got low again yesterday, so I called him. He answered this time from his doctor’s office. I told him the pressure was also low yesterday for a couple of hours and that I called but never heard from him (though I did later leave a message letting him know when it was back to normal). He said he spent a couple of hours replacing an old faucet so he had to turn the well’s pump off for a while, but now it should be fine. But when he got back a half-hour later he came down and said it must’ve been leaking more than he realized and apologized for it. A short while later we were back to full pressure, then he bulldozed the ruts out of our part of the drive.

The water still looks nasty as hell and reeks of the bleach he put in the tank. I was probably cleaner before I took my shower than I was after.

Why haven’t I heard from Nane at all yet this year, and why are we older in half the dreams I have that involve Maliheh? I swear she was around 60-65 in last night’s dream. Not much happened in it, though. We were just sitting around talking.

Andy gave me permission to laugh my ass off at him yesterday for being stuck in knee-deep snow. He said he hasn’t seen snow like that since the 60s. His door pushes on the snow when he goes to open it, and he spent 4 hours shoveling and clearing off his and his mother’s car.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 12, 2011
I think my husband’s losing his mind, LOL. Before work he said the music I was playing on my computer was so loud it hurt his ears in the other room, and why have I been smelling like cigarette smoke lately?

I just laughed yet he insists I’m going deaf. “Is that why I complain so much about Jesse? Because I can’t hear him?” He said it’s not the volume that bothers me but just the fact that I can hear him as I’m very sensitive to noise, LOL.

Next thing I know he’s going to say he can hear my music at work and that I smell like the ocean or something. Maybe he’ll see little fairies flying around my head, too.

Yeah, Jesse ended up driving me crazy yesterday. I heard everything but the ATV. I heard the truck a few times, then he just had to get on my nerves with the dirt bike (presumably when his kid was over), then he left me with the dogs (presumably when he went to bring the kid home), right after I signed off with Maliheh and was about to hit the sack.

Why is it that most people can simply up and move when they want to, but we get stuck wherever we go? And if my teeth are about to cost us thousands, that’ll only keep us here longer, though Maliheh’s sure I’m wrong and that it will be hundreds and not thousands if I go to a place that makes dentures.

I was sitting around all frustrated when I remembered something I used to use at the motel – wax earplugs. They do a much better job of blocking sound than the foam ones and are more comfortable, too. The only thing is that it takes a few minutes to soften as your body heat warms it up, and then to shape it to fit your ear to get a good seal. As long as they aren’t sounds you can feel such as the vibration of doors slamming or stomping footsteps, it does a pretty good job, and I only need to use it in one ear since the other’s virtually deaf. I had one in one time at the motel. We were on the ground floor and Tom said a car was blasting music in the parking lot right outside and I couldn’t hear it. It’s sad I have to live this way and out in the country of all places, but it just might do a better job than the sound machines.

Maliheh has a cold, so she’s been sleeping a lot and hating the weather. She says she may move in a few years. She doesn’t know where to but wants to go where there are no ice storms like what she’s been having.

I think I’ll go let the rat out, fix us something to eat, then clean the bathroom before I settle down and do some writing. I want to finish chapter 4.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 11, 2011
LOL, my rat’s a pervert. I turn him loose when I’m cleaning and was wiping the kitchen countertop down when I saw him messing with a dark object that I first thought was one of my flip-flops. Then I realized he’d managed to pull a pair of my undies from the hamper. Isn’t it kind of sad that the only one in this country who wants to get in my pants that’s sane and cute is my pet rat?

I deactivated my Ask account again not just because of the lack of a block feature, but because I really don’t need it. What’s scary is that within just minutes of reactivating it and returning to KB, Molly contacted me on both sites. Is that what she does with her life? Does she just sit there checking mine, Alison and Kim’s accounts every few minutes to see if we’ve reactivated or updated anything?

She may not be scary in the way that I think she’s going to hunt me down and shoot me, but what kind of individual does this shit over and over and tries to push themselves on those who don’t want to know them? What part of “no” does she not get? I thought I was a good writer. Haven’t I made myself clear on what it is I want? I want absolutely zero contact with this person. What part of that sentence doesn’t make sense? If anyone out there doesn’t understand what I’ve just said, please let me know.

This much may not be a good thing to mention as it’s giving the sick twist the attention it craves since no one wants to give it to her voluntarily with the way she treats people, but it’s my journal and I’m going to write whatever I feel like writing in it. What’s the point of keeping a journal anyway to write about your life if you can only write about some of it? And what’s the point of being able to run around announcing that I’m a selfish bitch and proud of it if I write to suit my readers (within reason) and not myself? So I don’t mind saying that I tormented the shit out of Molly yesterday after getting so fed up with her following and contacting me on every single fucking site I join.

Sometimes trying to be all polite and civilized or turning the other cheek simply doesn’t get people off my ass. That’s what I tried to tell Tom where the Phoenix freeloaders were concerned that were living next to us. I should never have listened to him and handled them his way. I wanted to beat the shit out of them, and believe me, had I done that they wouldn’t have been a problem anymore. But Molly’s not just a few steps away. I can’t just run over and beat her off my case and out of my life. So I figured that maybe if I give the bitch a taste of her own medicine for a day she’ll see what it’s like and realize I’m not worth it if all she’s going to get is shit like that if she contacts me. And shit is just what I gave her, alright! I was just smart enough to go about it in a way that wasn’t illegal or anything like that. I basically left a bunch of gibberish in her guestbook on KB since she deactivated her 10 million ask.fm accounts, proving that she can dish it but not take it. But she won’t have to take it if she’d just leave me the fuck alone. As I said before, I don’t care if she reads my journal. It’s public. I just don’t want any contact.

What a fucking idiot, though. All she had to do was block me yet she never did. She just kept deleting the guestbook entries as fast as I would post them.

Last night I dreamt I died of a heart attack. I know some believe that if you see yourself die in your dreams that means you really do die, but don’t worry folks! I got my throat slit 20 years ago in Dreamland yet I lived to tell about it, LOL.

I guess I was in some hospital lying on a gurney when I heard the sound of footsteps rushing towards me. Presumably, the doctors and nurses out to try to save my ass. Then I heard something about “not knowing till we open the chest cavity,” then they were announcing that I’d officially gone bye-bye.

Yesterday I got to hear Jesse’s truck and his motorcycle and his ATV and his dogs, but nothing that was ongoing enough to really get on my nerves.

The weather is slowly but surely improving. We had two unusually cold days where it didn’t even make it up into the 40s. Yesterday was the coldest morning that I’ve ever experienced here at just 23º. The morning dew was so frozen that it gave the illusion of a fine dusting of snow. Everything was glazed in ice. But by 11am the sun was kicking ass, the temperature made a huge jump, and I could turn off the heat. It was like a whole new Cali all of a sudden.

Now it’s clouded up enough to keep the warmth in and so it didn’t get under 40º last night. We’re even going to hit the 60s by the weekend and due to that Tom thinks the winter is “over” and that we’ve turned the corner, even though there’ll still be some cold days. Well, I wouldn’t go so far as to call it over, but it’s true that we should’ve just passed the peak. The first part of January always seems to be the worst. At least we’ve had only 3 days of snow, 2 of which never stuck, since coming here 3½ years ago.

Later…

After a 10-minute engine gunning spree this morning, then another one 15 minutes later in which he actually decided to go somewhere, I’m now waiting for Jesse to get back and deal with his fucking well yet again. Yeah, I discovered the water pressure was low a couple of hours ago.

Thought I just heard him drive in, but I don’t know. I don’t think his truck is that quiet. He’s got to have the dogs with him, wherever he is. I haven’t heard a single bark. They wouldn’t be this quiet this long in this cold.

Now that’s weird. I just heard the toilet flush itself and now the pressure’s back to normal. Good, because I haven’t heard a word from Jesse. Was he not able to get the messages? Did they not go through? I don’t know what the deal is so I’m just glad to have the pressure back.

Maliheh was looking to chat with me yesterday evening, but I was asleep just as I told her I would be.

I had asked her if she thought I was attractive, assuring her I could take it if the answer was no, but that I had always been curious about that. I also asked if she still wanted me to send her any dreams I have that may involve her since she’d rather them not go online.

So I guess she either doesn’t find me attractive or doesn’t want to admit that she does. All in all, I’d say that at this point there’s no way at all she’s attracted to me or interested in any more than a friendship just as she said. But why my friendship is that important to her seems strange. And if she’s only had company 3 times in 7 years (I thought it was more like 3 times a month), where is she meeting people for sex, at their place? I know it’s none of my business, but I’m just the curious type.

I sometimes wonder if I’m a good enough friend for her. I’ve written things she didn’t want written, I’ve told her about dreams she’d rather not know about, I’ve asked questions she doesn’t want to answer, and I’m not always available to chat with her in the evenings. She said she had the day off, so I sent an email hoping to bump our chat up to the afternoon, but haven’t heard a thing from her yet. There have been no blog views either.

Jesse just returned, but I’m thinking he never got my messages. That’s not like him not to respond, although I did tell him the pressure was better the second time around.

Back to Maliheh. I feel like I’m between a rock and a hard place. I can understand some people not wanting to be discussed online, but it’s my blog. I was going to use KB to write the things I don’t write on MyOpera, but since it appears no one’s going to read it, though I set it to members-only so Maliheh wouldn’t see it, I might as well just write about it here. No one reads this either. The new thoughts.com is horrible so forget about that, too. Then again, maybe I should return to opendiary.com under an entirely new name. I could really speak my mind without holding back and then drop it on the public for some amusement as an afterthought. This site lets you block all contact from other users but has no hit counter or tracker of any kind.

Haven’t heard from Nane yet this year. Nothing about my book or anything else. Maliheh’s the only one who genuinely seems to care about me – even more than Aly and Kim – despite only wanting friendship from me.

MONDAY, JANUARY 10, 2011
Maliheh emailed me at 9:00 last night, a few hours after I crashed. All she said was that she was busy and they were expecting snow and ice. She also looked in on my blog.

I’m at the top of a slide, just sitting there holding tight to the rails. Smart but sometimes useless me knows that if she lets go of those rails and goes weeeee! down the slide, a well of depression awaits her at the bottom. Not something she cares to slip into.

But I sometimes feel bored even when there’s plenty to do. And I sometimes wish for change even when things are changing. I know that even if I had my perfect little dream home and no money or health worries, some things still wouldn’t change. I will still want what I don’t really want, and I will still want to be where I don’t really want to be. Does any of this make any sense? Oh well, it doesn’t matter. I get what I’m saying and that’s good enough for me. That’s life as the “mentally challenged.” Or should that be “emotionally challenged?” Sometimes trying to sort through my emotions can be just that – a challenge.

So I’m weighing the various options available to me even if that doesn’t seem like many. I could always kill myself. Then I’d never get bored again or wish for change that cannot come, or at least that can’t come fast enough. But where I had one person to live for before, now I feel I have two. I shouldn’t feel that way, perhaps, but I do. It may be only in my mind that I have two people to live for, but just because I haven’t lost touch with reality doesn’t mean I’ve always got to be realistic, does it? So if I say I have two people to live for, then two it is. :)

Nane seems to be having a good time in Turkey, and I must admit I’m a bit envious. I hate to travel and I hate hotels, but I miss swimming and it already seems like it’s been winter for 6 months. A little sun and sea (though I prefer pools) wouldn’t hurt when for the first time in what’s probably the history of Auburn, it stayed under 40º two days in a row. Where’s global warming when you need it?!

I just checked our 5-cast, and you know what? It really makes me want to say “fuck it” and let go of these rails – weeeee!

The rat wants to play now, though. So I guess I better back up and climb down this slide’s ladder.

At least for now.

Ooh, look at that! The Klammers are in the single digits and they’re going to get snowed on all week. Yeah, I’ll stay alive for now. Can’t laugh at them if I’m dead, can I?

But my folks are going to be in the 80s. I’d rather a million humid summer days than just a few down in the 20s. I’ve never seen or heard of it getting this cold here. We’d always climb up at least into the 40s by the afternoon, but we’ve only come up to the 30s for two days now and counting.

Even Jesse’s been quiet. But the “noise curse” is aimed at me, so once I’m alone and Tom’s at work, I’m sure Jesse will be back to running and gunning the truck on and off all day long.

The palpitations have been worse lately and they’re annoying as hell. Particularly towards the end of my day.

Paula sent an email wanting me to call her, so I’ll call her later. I guess she lost my number and wants to tell me all about whatever loser she’s hanging with these days.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 9, 2011
My fucking tooth is driving me crazy again and the weather has been miserably cold, even for NorCal, but life is otherwise good. Not even Jesse was heard from yesterday, though I crashed early in the afternoon and can’t say what racket he may’ve stirred up afterward.

Yesterday was the first day that we’d ever seen it still in the 30s at noon.

I’m adding new music to my Jango station now since they’re starting to play the same stuff over and over.

Other than eating too much and working on my stories too little, life is okay.

Sometimes I get frustrated with the no-success-allowed-for-Jodi rule that seems to have been put on me since the day I was born, but I know that no matter how many manuscripts I submit to publishers, we simply can’t change our fate. At least I’ve had some intellectual and personal success to make up for the lack of financial and career success. Besides, life was meant for those who can keep a damn schedule to begin with. I don’t want to do things just to fail. I could get a guitar, cut these nails off and try to whip myself into shape where that’s concerned, but what good would it do me? What good does being able to sing do me? Or write stories? All I can do with any of the things I’m into – writing, languages, music or whatever, is just have fun with them, and I do. All I’m saying is it sometimes sucks that I can’t get paid to do the things I’m good at and that I enjoy doing, but most people don’t enjoy their jobs anyway. Why should I have thought I’d be lucky enough to be one of the exceptions? I’m a very unlucky person. Lucky in many ways, but unlucky in more ways. Maybe that’s why I don’t bother to try to meet anyone in my own town I’m attracted to. It’s not just that I don’t want any drama and that I like to spend most of my time alone, it’s because I know better. I know what’s meant to be and what’s not.

Got another Columbus, OH hit but not from the USO. It was a direct hit and I think it too, is connected to Christine from the USO and the Dublin hit. Especially since they didn’t appear to go anywhere else other than the landing page, and I’ve noticed before that Christine doesn’t bother with comments, just the blog entries.

Later…

No email or blog views from Maliheh since Friday night. Something I said? I hope not, but I think she’d tell me if that were the case.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 8, 2011
I’m wearing my Tropical Rain Forest perfume right now and I really like it. I’m also wondering if I should bust out the holes in my earlobes I let close up. I just hadn’t bothered wearing earrings in so long, but maybe soon I’ll want to add shiny earrings to my shiny necklace.

Yesterday I did something I hadn’t done in a while and I sorted through some doll clothes. I tried sewing new straps on one of the doll’s bikini bottoms but I’m just so damn blind even with glasses. I’m gonna have to wait till I get progressives, and of course there are still my teeth that have to be dealt with. I woke up in pain again last night.

It’s going to be a dry weekend, but we’ve hit freezing like 6 or 7 times so far this year. This month may be drier to make up for last month. We got 10” of rain last month when December usually gets 8”.

I missed my evening chat with Maliheh, who says she’s burned out and lazing around. I replied to her two messages right as she “over and outed” me saying she was hitting the hay, then sent a couple more throughout the night.

FRIDAY, JANUARY 7, 2011
Another boringly short and sweet entry. There’s just not much to say. The propane people woke me up a few hours into my sleep. It took me an hour to fall back asleep so I didn’t get up till 10:30 which means I’ll be up through the worst of Jesse’s random engine gunning. Right before 9am yesterday he had the truck going for a few minutes. Just when I thought it was nice that it was only for a few minutes and not 10, he does the same shit all over again just 15 minutes later.

That’s when I said to myself, “I want to move!” But I know that whatever’s up there that placed this noise curse on me nearly 20 years ago would only have the noise follow me to wherever we moved to and we’d get some fluke of a situation next to us there, too. It’s plenty obvious he’s not going to get a new truck just like it’s plenty obvious that influencer or not, whatever’s determined to sic this shit on me made sure he totaled his other truck as a way of making up for the dogs and their lack of barking lately.

I hate to have the sound machines blaring away but come 7:00 I’ll have to turn them on if I don’t want my train of thought disrupted when I’m trying to work at MT or on my writing.

I may’ve mentioned this before but I have a huge fan in Dublin, OH. I suspect it’s Christine, the one who always used to come in from the university in Columbus and still does. It’s just hard to believe I’d have two very dedicated fans in the same state. Especially at just 11 miles apart from what my research told me. They seem to be in more often now that I’ve been posting my bio in little chunks. But if they were that devoted to my journal and my life, wouldn’t they have already read my bio entries? Guess I’ll never know.

Oh, wow. They were obviously pretty impatient for my next entry, LOL. They checked in just after midnight, then again just now. But if it’s my OSU fan, could they really afford to be staying up all night like this? Maybe it’s a friend of Christine’s that she discussed my journal with.

I’ve only been up a few hours and already I’ve eaten like crazy. I’m basically set for life on calories, LOL.

Some of these Facebook applications are a joke. I just did a “quiz” called What Were You Born For? It asks about 10 questions about my basic lifestyle and way of thinking. The last question asks if I want kids, I say no, and what should the end result be? Oh, just that I was born to have a family. LOL, cute, huh?

THURSDAY, JANUARY 6, 2011
The propane people will be here tomorrow. It’s going to cost $250 for 100 gallons.

I woke up at 131 pounds and swapped a couple of messages with Maliheh. I had told her about how Tom and I had become friends over the years. I told her how it bothered me at first and then it bothered me that it no longer bothered me, and then we both finally accepted things the way they were. She said that we are quite common. And that she heard they’re now starting to build houses with two master bedrooms.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 5, 2011
In Maliheh’s last message to me before she went to bed, she said she wasn’t ashamed of our friendship, values our friendship, and enjoys our emails. In a way I’m kind of bummed she never at least said she was flattered that I love her, thinks I’m attractive and all that stuff we women often love to hear whether we’re looking for commitment or not). But why would she value a friend so far away and put up with me referring to her as my GF and flirting with her? And where were her fuck buddies on New Year’s Eve?

I’m a little sick of her going back and forth as to how she feels about being mentioned in my blog. First it’s “I don’t care if you mention that we talked,” but now she has a problem with even that. So as I told her, I’m cutting her out of my public journal altogether.

I asked if “nobody’s girlfriend” also meant she’s “nobody’s fuck buddy,” and this was when she mentioned having “friends with benefits.”

So this was when I pretty much realized that yeah, she probably would do me or at least see me if I were in her neck of the woods, and so the door’s still open as far as possibilities there. The question is, do I want to move to a climate that’s not “ideal” just to have a possible affair with her? And would it really even be an affair if Tom and I are just buddies ourselves? She’d be perfect, but not. I wouldn’t have to worry about her getting clingy like Marie, but as she herself said, she’s a bitch. If I moved there just to maybe get into a fight with her and never be able to see her again, I’m stuck in a place that wouldn’t necessarily be the best place to be. Humid, full of blacks, too cold in the winter…

She also told me she works midday, starting from 3:00 or 4:00 to 7:00 or 8:00. What, did she win the lottery or something? How can she afford to rent a house and all the services she gets on part-time hours? This can’t be more than 20 hours a week. And she has Mondays off.

Anyway, this was my last message to her:

Tom has always had a rather low appetite and this really bothered me at first during the first few years of our marriage. Yeah, more true confessions coming your way. Because of the age difference, I was still at my peak and he was past his so it was frustrating. But as I got older I too, came to not be so sexually needy. It came down to that I loved him but didn’t care for the sex and eventually we stopped altogether. It’s been years. Yeah, it really has, and no, I’m not kidding. You probably figured as much, though, huh? You’re a very smart and perceptive person. Wow, if I can tell you this much, I can tell you anything. And this is not in my bio.

We tried to get into it again a couple of years ago but just couldn’t stick to it. Finally, I said let’s just admit that we don’t really want to do this. We love each other as friends, soulmates, roommates – that sort of thing – but not as lovers. So my love for him grew over the years, but the lust died. I swear sometimes something does not want me to experience any real lust or to ever act out my fantasies. Like there’s some kind of sexual curse on me. Of those I’ve been attracted to, you’re 3000 miles away, Marie’s crazy, Nane’s 6000 miles away, Teddy Bear was reprimanded and transferred before anything could happen with us. See the pattern? But like I said, I don’t want to ever leave Tom and I don’t want to put the reigns on any woman either. I too, would back off if she got too pushy and wanted to get together with me (to fuck or not to fuck) too often.

I just want you to know, though, that if we are ever neighbors, or close enough to it, I won’t have any expectations. If you want to see each other as strictly friends, fine. But if you put your hands on me, don’t expect me to stop you, LOL. And I also want to thank the hell out of you for letting me open up to you and for doing the same in return. I feel a lot better and I could hug you for it, so thanks. :) Now I feel more like we know where we’re coming from, what we’re open to, where we’d draw the line, and nobody’s left to guess on anything.

Lastly, I want to remind you that our fantasies aren’t always what we want in reality. I may dream about and kid about being your wife, but that doesn’t mean that’s what I want. LOL, I’ve been lots of people’s wives that I’d never really want to be in real life. Even if we were both single and looking for commitment, I still think we’d get on each other’s nerves too much. So yeah, some fantasies would be nice to experience for real, but some wouldn’t. I was even Gloria Estefan’s wife for a few years, LOL.

Do you want me to share my private journal excerpts with you that pertain to you, like the dreams and stuff like that? You know some of them are kind of funny, but it’s up to you.

And this is what I posted in my blog:

I don’t usually do more than one entry per day, but I just wanted to clear something up. As I was just telling someone recently, I’m not a great writer, just a good one. And sometimes I don’t quite make myself clear on where I’m coming from, though I do try my best.

I don’t want to be more than friends or fuck buddies with a woman I may meet. Not even if I have feelings for her. I realize I may’ve given my readers, both those who know me and don’t know me, the wrong idea about what I’d like in life. I’m not looking to replace my husband. Nor am I looking to add another full-time relationship to the one I’ve got with him. No matter how many women I may like, love or lust for along the way, I’m only open to casuals. I will be friends with any potential fuck buddy and I will be fuck buddies with any potential friend. But I will not commit myself to anyone other than Tom, and after spending a few hours or even a night with her, she must be prepared to bring me home without a fight.

I don’t mind if someone’s attracted to me. I don’t even care if they love me. Just so long as they understood the rules up front. Feelings, wants, desires, goals and dreams may be subject to change throughout life, but the rules would always be the rules unless together we agreed to change them in any way.

My dreams and fantasies don’t necessarily reflect the truth and that’s another thing I want to point out. Sure I want to win the millions of dollars I may dream or imagine winning. But this doesn’t mean I really want to be someone’s wife just because I may dream I am, or that their confessions of love are actual premonitions of the truth. Maybe they are, but maybe they aren’t. That’s all I wanted to say. Never assume a dream means anything in particular unless I say it does.

I also don’t settle either. Just because I can’t have first best in a woman doesn’t mean I’m going to suddenly say “What the hell” and start settling for any of those nutty uglies I’m so good at getting.

I don’t think I will ever have any kind of a “special” friend or a fuck buddy not only because I am so damn picky, but I don’t think it’s meant to be. I’ve said that about other things, though, so we’ll see. I just try to take it one day at a time. Meanwhile, I just wanted to make clear what’s really on my mind and what the facts really are so no one misunderstands where I’m coming from.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 4, 2011
I know I shouldn’t drive myself too crazy in anticipation of whatever Maliheh’s response to my email will be, but I can’t help but wonder about it. I’m thinking tomorrow evening she’ll email me, and while she doesn’t seem upset, the more I think about it, the more I don’t see how it can be anything good. If she felt the same, what much could she possibly have to say that would take “time to give it the attention it deserves?” I would think that if it were mutual all she would do is simply say so. But just the fact that she wants to take the time to get the words right makes me think she’s going to tell me what I don’t want to hear.

Later…

Nothing from Maliheh yet, though again she peeked in at my blog. I can’t figure out her work hours. They’re as hard to keep up with as she finds my schedule hard to keep up with. It’s like she doesn’t quite work days but she doesn’t work nights either.

Later…

And still nothing from Maliheh. Wow, she’s either really busy or really struggling to come up with the “right” words on how to tell me she doesn’t feel the same for me. Or worse, that she doesn’t think we should contact each other again.

Later…

Okay, I heard from her. She said pretty much what I expected her to say which is that she likes being alone.

Tom said that they don’t know if they’ll let him work it, but they’re talking about adding a night shift at work. Too bad they’re not talking about hiring him on, but I’ve accepted long ago that it could be a good many years before we’re insured again. We’re just going to have to pay for our own medical needs. Until we become terrorists in Palestine or starving in some third-world country, this country isn’t going to do shit for us.

I’m loving my new necklace and am going to wear it for the rest of my life unless it breaks. Yeah, I’m a real sucker for bright colors and shiny things, even at 45.

I organized the file box earlier. You know I hate clutter and disorganization, so I mostly organized our rent receipts.

I discovered something by accident, but that’s how most of my life seems to be anyway; one big accident. When bad things happen to me it doesn’t surprise me and I usually figure as much. But when good things come my way it’s usually an unexpected surprise. As most of you know, I gave up on dieting about a week ago and expected my weight to climb steadily from there. I’ve hardly even exercised. Last Saturday, though, I got a huge bag of meatballs. They’re yummy. :) And they’re super quick and easy to make, too. Just throw them on a plate and zap them for a minute and they’re ready to go. So every few hours or so I’ve been having 6-8 meatballs with an occasional yogurt or diet bar thrown in along the way, and I not only haven’t gained weight, but I’ve lost weight enough times in my life to know how my body acts when it’s about to drop a pound, and it does seem to be making a run for the 131-pound marker. Till now I’ve been steadily at 132 for about a week now. The only thing is that I get the runs. I like how that helps my weight, but I don’t like how it makes me feel.

I guess I should go do some writing. I’ve been slacking off. I’ve even been slacking off on the languages. I don’t know what’s up with me lately. I’ve been just as busy, just not as productive.

MONDAY, JANUARY 3, 2011
I haven’t even been up two hours yet and already my day’s kind of shitty. There are a few good points like the beautiful necklace my folks sent and our phone chat.

The necklace is a crystal heart on a shiny gold chain. I love it because both the chain and the heart are so shiny.

My folks are doing okay and we talked about things like work, the weather, and my teeth. They agree that getting my teeth taken care of is well worth it. They went through the same thing with losing their teeth and getting dentures.

But then we just had to go and run out of propane on a night that’s supposed to get unusually cold at 27º. This would explain why it reeked of propane in here, something it does when it’s about to run out. It started yesterday. God, I am so, so sick of living in trailers! When am I ever going to be able to live in a real house again? Or is that just a dream?

Well, writing is just a dream. Yeah, they rejected the second $56 article. If I can’t even succeed with that out of barely 30 other writers, then it’s hopeless. I totally give up. No more struggling for what isn’t meant to be. I’ll just be the nothing nobody I was meant to be and leave it at that.

Tom thinks the site is just a scam and they were just looking for as many articles as they could get to copy and paste bits and pieces from and that no one will get $56, but IDK.

Anyway, he went out and hooked the small propane tank up and hopefully he’ll at least be able to shower in the morning. We’re running the portable heaters tonight. Tomorrow he’ll fill the 5-gallon tank which will last 4 days, then on Wednesday he’ll call the propane company as planned as Wednesday is when he gets paid and we want to have the tank stuffed so it’s chock full. It should last until the fall from there on out.

Up until a little while ago, I was worried about Maliheh. There’d been no blog views or messages from her and so I thought my little confession didn’t sit well with her. But she quickly let me know a little while ago that she read the message and that it truly deserves a well-thought-out response. But right now she has only so much time before she must be ready for work tomorrow. She asked that I please understand that she respects what I said and will be responding to it but not tonight as she wants to make sure the words are right and wants to put the attention into it that it deserves.

I have a feeling she’s not going to tell me anything I want to hear, but what did I expect? She’s never even so much as hinted at liking me in any way other than as a friend, so I’ll probably get something like: I respect what you feel, but you are married, we’re different, it’s not mutual, etc. She might even try to deny what I feel by saying I couldn’t possibly love her and things like that. Or maybe she’ll suggest we don’t speak to each other so it’s not “hard” on me, but what she really may mean is so that it doesn’t make her too uncomfortable. I’m kind of surprised she’s even going to respond in the first place. She’s ignored me every time I’ve flirted with her, so that’s why I thought she would ignore this too, or flat-out dump me.

She just peeked in on my blog so that’s encouraging, I guess. Anyway, my heart is right here, but my mind is elsewhere tonight.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 2, 2011
Ha, ha, the rat spun around the wooden support of the kitchen chair like a little gymnast but landed on his back after his dismount, the poor little guy. He seems to think that climbing onto the chairs will get him treats easier than if he stands on my foot.

Other than my rat being a little acrobat, nothing else is really going on. It’s back to work for Tom tomorrow and no doubt back to being annoying for Jesse. Especially since the weather’s supposed to dry up and go back up into the 50s.

Last night I was surprised to get a view at 2am from Maliheh’s town, but then I noticed the different IP address and realized it wasn’t her. Strange coincidence, though.

I “came clean” as far as the depth of my feelings for her, too. Hopefully, she won’t take things the wrong way, but we’ll see. She’s got the carpet cleaners coming to her place so she spent the day moving furniture. She must make a lot of money to afford all these services.

Marie’s been checking in on MyOpera regularly now that she can’t go to MD (I think it was her) and she opened entries with her name. I wonder if she was really asking me to kick her past entries out and not mention her from now on. No can do if that’s the case, though. I’m tired of editing my journal to suit the needs of others! I’ll still respect Maliheh’s wishes of course, but I’m not going to edit or delete hundreds of past entries that will probably never be read again other than by those who are paranoid about them.

Sometimes a part of me misses Marie. I think of her a lot and hope for the best for her, but I know some things just don’t change and I don’t want her back in my life. She’s not the piece of shit she was last year? Well, she was never a piece of shit, but I’m not stupid either. She’ll never change. Even the doctors obviously can’t help her. All that therapy and drugs, but none of it seems to do a damn bit of good.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 1, 2011
Auburn, California
Age 45

I’m glad I could spend New Year’s with Maliheh. I get the feeling she may’ve felt lonely if I hadn’t.

Tom crashed at around 8:00 PT. But had someone told me just who I was going to ring in the new year with I never would’ve believed it in a million years. dances with delight When I’m 80 years old, I still won’t believe I spent it with Maliheh B., LOL. Although it was only 9pm, I consider that to be the new year because I’m from the east. The closer it got to 9:00 the more I would find myself checking my e-mail. Just when I thought she might not make it, she messaged me. :) It wouldn’t have been the end of the world if she couldn’t get around to it, but I’m really glad she did. She really brightened up my night and made my okay night even more okay, not to mention made me feel kind of special. I hope that she will be a part of my life for many more years to come even if we never get to see each other again. After I thanked her she said, “No, thank you for spending New Year’s with me.”

She also says my stats seem to be off. According to my list, she was in my blog just minutes before New Year’s her time. I think she might have been confused because my stats list is in PT times at which time she says she was out picking up nails to build the stage she’s trying to build. She also says that she looked in this morning, yet the 8:50 PM hit appears to be her first for the day.

Last night I dreamt That Maliheh whispered something in my ear, then hugged me. She was in other dreams as well that I can’t remember. Making myself dream of her is a technique I’m getting rather good at. I just can’t always remember them all. The only other dream I remember was rescuing a rat that looked like mine that someone was abusing in some large building. I took the rat and proceeded to run out of the building and into a parking lot, but there was no way to escape because the parking lot was surrounded by tall concrete walls.

I have no New Year’s resolutions, but I do hope we’re one step closer to getting a house in whatever state we’re meant to end up getting one in. And I also wish to hell they’d hire on Tom!

One thing I can say for sure, though, is that 2010 was a reminder that some of life’s least-expected experiences can be the best things to happen to us.

But why? Why does it mean so much to me to mean something to her? And why does she mean so much to me? I’m still trying to figure that one out. Well, we can’t win ‘em all in life and so I don’t expect to be “special” in any way. But maybe someday I’ll have some answers.

Some people have insisted that they have been to my blog but are not showing up on my stats list. It does seem strange that certain people I expect to see regularly aren’t on the list.

Later…

I wanted to bawl my eyes out for a little while as guilt tore at my heart on account of the “games” I’ve played on Maliheh having “anonymous” people write comments about her as a means of my being able to express myself about her even more openly, and for the shit I pulled with her friends last July. She doesn’t know about the games, but before I explain what brought it on, I got a message from Marie swearing she’s been reading my journal since the end of the year and it wasn’t she who was screwing with me about “Mali.” She went to Texas and got fucked over instead, she’s not the piece of shit she was last year, she’s moving to CA in June, etc.

That story about Marie “confessing” was just a story I created in hopes of easing Maliheh’s mind as to who the so-called impersonator could be, and I shared this message with Maliheh too, after telling Marie thanks for letting me know, good luck to you, I’ll honor your request, but don’t contact me again.

Maliheh was understandably upset with me for messing with her friends and says she doesn’t want old, negative memories from the past dredged up.

I feel terrible for causing her to lose her friends. It’s like I got her back after all those years of being pissed at her despite still having a thing for her. And I got her back a little too much, much more than I intended. At the time, the bullshit I wrote in my entries was intended for her and her only as a means of pissing her off.

I cried for the things I wish I could change but know I never can. But I needed to get that out and so I’m glad I did. Sometimes we have to confront the past in order to move ahead into the future. Then when I was done I pulled myself up and reminded myself that it was a new year, and while I can’t control everything that may happen, like whether or not Tom gets hired on, and while I can’t make people see me as more than just a friend even though a few like to think I can, I’m determined to make the best of it.

When I was taking a trip down Memory Lane and back to my 20s and 30s, I was remembering how angry a person I was in those days. But I’m in my 40s now. Shouldn’t I be over most of that anger? Oh, I know I am and that I deal with and handle things in general much better than I used to, but this doesn’t mean I’m perfect either. There have been a couple of instances where I’ve “slipped” and handled my anger poorly and did some mean and immature things. My punishment for it will be the guilt I have to live with, but as they say, we do live and learn. And we change, too. I won’t egg your car or prank call you if you piss me off, and if you choose to disassociate yourself from me I’ll let you go without a fight.

I wish I could understand why certain things matter to me that shouldn’t. Why should it matter to me what Maliheh thinks of me, for example? Nothing she could think could change my life in any way. It can’t make me richer or poorer. It can’t change my health in any way either. All it could do was make me sad or very happy. But that leads me to my next question. Why would it make me happy to learn that certain things are mutual? Why??? Why should I care and why does it matter? They never will be, so why can’t I just leave it at that in my mind and quit wishing? Yet I can’t control my own feelings any more than I can control others, for the day I can is the day I will never again be attracted to those who aren’t attracted to me. And I will never feel an ounce of affection other than what normally goes with friendship with those who don’t feel any affection for me.

“Life is full of surprises,” people say. “You never do know what the future holds, so don’t assume too much.”

This is true, too. I only hope it holds good things for me! And for those I care about, intimately or not.

I also thought back to when I first started journaling online. I never thought it would come to what it’s come to. I just didn’t expect so many people to follow my journal. It all started at the old kiwibox.com that I stumbled upon by accident. It seemed silly at first – an online journal – but I jumped in anyway. I didn’t like that the site was filled with mostly teenagers and I didn’t like some of the rude people there, but I got a good friend out of it in the end – Alison. So as I learned, sometimes a few bad experiences are worth the one good experience that may come of it.

But Jesse’s not any quieter. :( Yeah, he just had to wait till I got up to gun the motorcycle a couple of times without appearing to go anywhere. Is that fun for him? Is it fun to just sit there gunning engines and spoiling people’s peace?

Last night was surprisingly quiet, though. Just one semi-loud shot, then just a few others way off in the distance, but nothing that woke up Tom or that would’ve woken me up had I been sleeping. No barking either.

Am I being like Marie where Nane’s concerned? I left a New Year wish on her wall and so did some other woman. Only she liked and replied to theirs, but not mine. I also noticed she’s not visible anymore when she’s online. But I only initiated a chat with her twice. I hope she’s not upset over the Lover of the Day application on my wall where she was randomly chosen to be the lover of a particular day.

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Last updated August 10, 2024