December 2010 in 2010s

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 31, 2010
I was looking at different people’s horoscopes for the New Year. Since Tom plans to launch his ever so greatly improved program in the spring, I found it rather ironic that a “project” Tom’s working on will be ready to launch by the spring, Andy will be in great health, and boy will Maliheh be lucky in love, LOL.

Anyway, this is going to be my last entry for 2010 as there’s not much else to say other than that we installed and trained some voice recognition software on my computer, even if it’s not perfect. Let me test it right now.

I am using my new software program right now and it is going to need more training before I can use it for writing stories. So far I am impressed with how well and downs. But as you can see the word downs is incorrect.

Maliheh said she wasn’t planning on doing anything today or for New Year’s Eve, so hopefully she’ll spend some of it with me. :)

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 30, 2010
Woke up at 12:30 and thought wow, this is the third day in a row I woke up at this time. But then I closed my eyes and didn’t open them again until 2:30.

No exciting dreams last night other than painting a room with Maliheh with music blaring, sitting by a pond and then riding a bike.

We’ve been having a cold spell. We froze last night and it will freeze tonight, too. It’s not fair that Maliheh’s going to be almost 70º in a few days, though we will be back in the 50s soon enough.

I decided to take an Aleve rather than bug Tom for a backrub. I know he’d do it, but most people don’t like to give backrubs, so I popped a pain pill instead. I get backaches before periods which may be starting now even though it’s not supposed to for a few days.

Didn’t talk to Maliheh yesterday, but I did talk to Nane. She’s going back to Turkey next week and says she’ll read my story there. I still don’t get how she can’t afford to move there till she retires, but can vacation there 3 or 4 times a year. And why have an apartment and not a house if you can afford trips like that? That’s like going from New England to Florida.

I sent Mitch and Maliheh copies of my story, but I don’t expect either of them to read it. When I don’t hear from Maliheh like this, I get a touch of what it’s like to be Marie and find a part of me wondering if she’s mad at me. But the difference between Marie and I is that I know she’s just busy, not as into me as I am into her, and that she would’ve told me if she were mad at me.

I decided to update my bio every year instead of every few years. It’s easier to remember things that way, especially since a lot seems to happen even when things are basically the same. Only I won’t be publishing it online since I’ve been doing daily journaling for some time now.

This weekend we’re going to look for voice recognition software to download. I’m thinking that if I could speak the skeletons of my stories out, despite the fact that I type very fast, it would make things easier for me if all I had to really worry about was the editing, which is 75% of story-writing anyway.

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 29, 2010
Just a quick update and a quick dream. Jesse was out when I got up, so I could tell by the barking I had to listen to till I yelled at them to shut up. I will admit, however, that the barking’s not nearly as bad as it used to be when he’d take off. He soon came back in the truck, got propane delivered, then roared in and out on the motorcycle.

After losing a couple of pounds despite not dieting or exercising, I finally jumped a couple of tenths. Maybe I’ll do some running soon. I suppose there’s no reason to fall out of shape simply because I’m tired of dieting and going hungry. Just got a little exercise when Tom and I were playing with the rat.

In real life, I got a free inspirational calendar for joining this site and was having fun reading the quotes off to Tom and altering some of the words. I changed “relieve every hurt” to “relieve every bladder” and shit like that.

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 28, 2010
It’s raining out there and I’ve been hearing the usual scattering of loud vehicles at Jesse’s place, though only twice so far. I heard a huge truck not even 5 minutes after I got up and I thought it was a propane truck, but when I looked out the window I saw a white pickup with a shell. The sound didn’t seem to fit the vehicle.

Also, our connection is still cutting in and out like crazy. It was fine throughout the afternoon, but now it’s been out more than it’s been in, and we’re supposed to have a rain/windstorm tonight.

Chatted with Maliheh which I always love to do. I may be different, weird and eccentric as hell sometimes, but one thing I’m not is a self-kidder. I know it may be false hope, but false hope or not, I’m not ready to give up hope of one day seeing each other, no matter how horrible I may fear she’d think I looked.

We’ve really gotten to be good friends. I really think she might actually miss me if something happened to me. LOL, you know you like someone when you like the idea of thinking they may miss you if you were no longer around. Ah, but only the good die young and I’m too much of a bitch to die anytime soon. Sure thought we were going to last month, though, and I thought what, have I been too nice or something?

I still have my Helium stars, LOL. But only $4 in my account there. That’s why I stopped writing for them. But when are they ever going to make their decision on that other $56 article???

MONDAY, DECEMBER 27, 2010
My mouse was seizing up last night and since getting up today. When Tom got in he determined it to be something wrong with the mouse, not the computer. The cursor was moving in super slow motion and taking forever just to move across the page. We changed the batteries, but it did it again, so we swapped the Mac and laptop mice. I like this one better anyway for the Mac because it’s smaller and fits in my hand better and the scrolling wheel is smoother.

It was then that I realized that it would be nice if I made the laptop “emergency ready,” so I set up the Yahoo toolbar with my favorites over there too, and backed up a lot of stuff.

I wasn’t even up 10 minutes when sure enough I heard Jesse fire up that damn truck. He was out for about 4 hours at which time I heard a few barks, but nothing too crazy. Then he came back, but left again shortly afterward. It’s dark now, so hopefully he’ll stop coming and going soon. I was surprised, though, that he wasn’t out tending the land or working on some annoying project. I heard sawing again, but that could be anywhere.

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 26, 2010
Once again we’ve been having to play the outage game. The net’s been cutting in and out like crazy after the fierce rainstorms we had. Yeah, yesterday wasn’t a white Christmas, but it sure was a wet one. Today there’s actually some sunshine. But until the problem is fixed, which I don’t suspect will be anytime soon, I won’t be online much and I won’t always be able to reply to messages right away. Just wanted people to know what’s going on so they don’t think I’m ignoring them or anything.

Today and yesterday have been wonderfully pain-free and wonderfully quiet. No loud motors, no barking. Jesse’s obviously out of town and has taken his damn dogs with him. Wish I could say the peace will last, but I know we’ll just be right back to the same old engine-gunning routine come tomorrow with him coming and going 3-6 times a day and doing God knows what in between.

Went out for burgers and fries earlier and God was kind enough to hold off the screaming kids. They were just entering the place as we were leaving it, LOL. There was a survey there and I immediately thought of Andy and how we’d say we lived at 69 Cherryclit Road and our phone number was (616) 666-6969, LOL.

Marie peeked in on my journal at 9am her time. I’m not surprised she’d pick this time to reminisce about those good ole days with me before her paranoia and hostility pushed me away, for it was Christmas when we first met up after 26 long years.

From the looks of it, she’s still living in the same trailer.

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 25, 2010
Yesterday ended a lot better than it began. It began as usual; with me in pain and Jesse’s loud motors, though it wasn’t as much pain and noise. But as the sun set, the pain went away, Jesse and his dogs were quiet, and things improved. Tom and I enjoyed pigging out, each other’s company, and playing with the rat. I also got to talk to Jessie, Andy and Maliheh.

Andy called around 6pm. He reminded me to call him Mark, but that is such a hard habit to get into after knowing him as Andy all my life, LOL. Anyway, we talked for so long and I laughed so hard that my throat was sore afterward. And all the while the rat was being sure to be naughty as can be. He was as fun and as funny as he was annoying, though. It was as if he were jealous of all the attention I was giving that phone that he just had to misbehave so I would go chasing after him and give him some of that attention.

Andy and I reminisced about the past and talked about the present. We talked about Molly, who’s already viewed my blog nearly 50 times today and whom I’m amazed hasn’t latched onto him. We talked about people we used to know and currently know. And while some memories from our days of making prank calls are still pretty funny, the thought of actually making any prank calls right now simply does not amuse me at all. There’s nothing fun or funny about the idea of it and that’s the way I’ve felt for 15 years now. Maybe more. Andy, however, still pulls occasional pranks, something I was not aware of until he told me. But hey, whatever turns him on. :)

What didn’t make any sense at all was this journal his sister Linda was contacted about from an electronic store in Arizona. The manager called her in Cali because her name and number were supposedly in this journal that someone left behind there, and I guess Andy spoke to the guy too, because he described the writings in the journal as well as the looks of it as being exactly like something that would belong to me. Only problem is that back when I was writing journals by hand I would not only not write phone numbers in them (I kept them in an address book), but why would I take it to Fry’s Electronics and then leave it there? He said this happened right around the time we burned all my journals and I switched to doing them in Word only.

“Well, maybe someone came by and dug them up,” he suggested.

No way. That’s just not possible. They’d have been nothing but ashes anyway. It’s a very strange coincidence indeed, but I’m not the only one who knew Linda or who kept journals by hand, so it could’ve been anyone.

Although Jesse’s been kind enough to keep himself and his dogs quiet so far today, Andy really nailed it to the point by saying that Jesse’s really taken from us what we came here for. It’s true, too. He has totally spoiled the peace and stolen the days from me. A peaceful day in the country? Ha! That’s just a dream. I still have the nights, but the days are gone. Gone until it gets hot again and that’s not for half a year. Come Monday he’ll be right back at it again, coming and going like crazy and making sure I have to know about it every single time he does. But when you know you’ve got a noise curse on you and every single neighbor you’ve had in the last 15 years has been a nightmare, I’m still not so sure I want to move. I’d only have to listen to someone else’s shit there. But I do sometimes get sick of being cramped in here, so we’ll see. The only neighbor Tom and I have had that was ok since we’ve been together was Kim, back up in Oregon, but even she wasn’t perfect. Not with all the car door slamming she’d sometimes do, then in the end with the way she was blasting in and out.

What was funny was when Andy said something to the effect of, “I know you. As soon as you move you’re going to send Jesse those journal excerpts letting him know just how much he pissed you off.”

Yes, but not quite, LOL. Why pay for the toner, paper and postage to send them when I can just email them to Maryann who will let him in on it for sure? She’ll be quick to tell him all about it, so instead of taking the time to print everything out, I’ll just pass the word with a single click, LOL. I’m looking forward to that day too, but that’ll depend on where we go from here. If we just go to another rental, we’ll need Jesse as a reference, so the excerpts might have to wait.

We talked about so many things that I can’t remember every little thing. It was good to laugh together like old times and to jokingly sign off with things like, “Goodbye bitch,” and “Goodbye whore,” like we do in private messages, LOL.

I also laughed at how he pronounced Nane’s name as Nayne. And at how he thought Houdini’s picture was creepy looking. That was the rat picture I had on Ask till I shut it down since Molly just can’t leave me alone. It’s like that sick bitch’s mission in life is to try her damnedest to push herself on everyone who doesn’t want anything to do with her. And why is it that the good-looking chicks don’t realize they’re good-looking while the ugly dogs think they’re the good-looking ones?

If I’m forgetting anything that I remember later on, I’ll add it to my next entry. For now, I’m going to enjoy the peace and quiet and being pain-free till it starts up once again. And sadly it’s only a matter of time before it does.

Oh, yeah. Maliheh! Now that’s one person that’s just as hard to figure now as she was 20 years ago. I talked to her last night and a few times today. She’s still cleaning and pissed at the annoying barking around her.

Just like she gave me mixed signals 20 years ago, she’s giving me them now too, though I don’t think she realizes it. If she’s not attracted to me and doesn’t have at least some feelings for me, then why does she bother with me? And why does she put up with me being flirtatious with her?

Mitch was telling me the other day that some guy was speared by an icicle north of him. What a perfect weapon that would make. Once it melts – no weapon, no prints.

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 24, 2010
My Ask account has been deactivated until there is a block feature available there. This is thanks to Molly Rose M.

Anonymous comments will also no longer be allowed on my blog either. Perhaps now it will finally sink in that no, I’m not playing around, and when I fight back I fight awfully mean and dirty when provoked long and hard enough. Especially when people I don’t even know and never wanted to know continually stalk, harass and contact me every single fucking place I go. And I don’t care if it’s to wish me a happy holiday season and not that you want to kill me or something vicious like that. “No contact” means NO FUCKING CONTACT!!!!

Other than Molly’s shit, it’s a typical day with Tom, the rat and Jesse’s loud motors. I’m sure he’ll soon be tearing up and down the drive with the kid on the dirt bike just like he was yesterday. What, does he want to lose us? Is he trying to drive us out of here? Why doesn’t he just ask us to leave if he wants us out of here or at least tell us he doesn’t give a shit either way? I really wish he’d give us just one day off from his trucks, motorpsychos, dirt bikes, chainsaws, bulldozers and whatever shit he can run to create a rack and spoil the peace! I can’t wait to get back on nights!

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 23, 2010
I want to be home in the secluded comfort of these woods, even if they’re not always so peaceful, thanks to Jesse. I also want to be on some deserted tropical island, and back down in the desert (just not Arizona), in Europe visiting my cyber friends that live there, and where my Maliheh is.

I want to stop being in pain so often, too. Still can’t tell if it’s my ear or my teeth or both, but I’d say it’s more than likely my teeth. I woke up in pain in the middle of the night, then I had some pain when I got up for good. We can’t do anything about it, though, till mid-January. We have a lot of extra expenses coming up between now and then like car insurance, propane, etc.

But why don’t bad things happen to bad people, just like Alison asked? Other than a few online pranks, I’ve been rather well-behaved for years. If anything, Maliheh’s the one that’s inspired me not to even pull those occasional pranks. So since I don’t go around robbing banks, killing people, torching buildings and beating people up, why am I being made to suffer like this??? My worst “crime” is wishing a few people didn’t exist. But don’t we all have a few people we wish didn’t exist? If someone can tell me what it is I’m missing and why I deserve this shit, do let me know.

We no longer fear they’re going to lay him off anytime soon. The question is whether or not they’re going to hire him and when. I’m going to be really damn pissed if we do end up paying for my teeth to be dealt with just to turn around and be insured right afterward.

Tom came into the room and gave me a candy cane which they gave him at work when I was chatting with Maliheh last night. I had nearly finished it all when the rat jumped up and grabbed what was left of it right out of my mouth. It was pretty funny, LOL.

Maliheh and I chatted live on Yahoo like Marie and I used to do only with her, it’s more fun. She’s still not getting all my messages, and then she herself had trouble signing into Yahoo’s chat thing. Eventually, she figured it out, and she told me her garage door wouldn’t close so she had to call someone out. But then after she came back from going on her walk, the thing still wouldn’t work, so she had to call them back out. I guess this is what she means when she says everything electronic hates her lately. At least she’s lucky enough to have a garage. I wish we did but out here it doesn’t matter as much. Not just because it’s secluded here, but because we don’t get a lot of snow or as hot as the desert.

Maliheh said I have a great sense of humor and loved it when I said North Queerolina, LOL.

I was also surprised to learn she’s reading the bio parts I’ve been posting. I didn’t think she’d be interested in the past.

I kind of hope Tom will come home with some goodies today, too. I guess they’re to be doing something special for lunch because they told everyone yesterday not to bring any lunch today.

There seems to be a dead zone of sorts in my stats. For about 5 hours a day in the afternoons, nothing’s being recorded. Yet I know people are coming in because I’m getting hit with friend requests at those times that no matter how many goddamn times I say on my ‘about’ page or anywhere else that I won’t accept them, they still hit me with anyway. I can also tell something’s wrong just by the fact that I can see 2 or 3 days’ worth of hits at once on my list. I usually get enough traffic that people are pushed off the list by the end of the day that made it onto it at the beginning of the day.

Later…

I am so sick of being in pain and so sick of Jesse’s shit! He really spoils the daytime on a regular basis lately. Engine gunning, chainsaws, hammering… he’s driving me fucking crazy!!! I swear we’re back in apartments all over again! Or at least with a neighbor just an arm’s length away. When is this shit going to end??? And when it does, what will he sic next on me??? I want OUT of here!!!

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 22, 2010
From the type of sound I heard yesterday and from what Tom’s theory is, all that loud hammering I heard pesky Jesse doing yesterday might’ve been him beating the muffler off to help make the truck quieter. I heard him start it up at 6:00 this morning, then again a couple of hours later. Yeah, it might be quieter, though it’s still audible. We never used to hear his other truck down here. The guy’s over 100’ away, too. That oughta tell you how noisy he gets.

The internet was down for 5 hours yesterday morning and cutting in and out like crazy for the rest of the day and night. I haven’t used it enough yet today to say how stable or unstable it is, but hopefully they’ve taken care of the problem.

Maliheh’s very busy, though I don’t know if she’s telling me this to avoid me or if I’m just being like Marie. I’d say she probably really is busy. Especially since she described having around 500 music books to sort through and organize in order to help her at work, 400 albums, 300 DVDs and 200 CDs. Plus a 3-foot tall stack of sheet music. So yeah, I’d say she’s probably busy and not making it up, and I also think she’s being honest about not getting all my emails, since others have said the same thing.

Haha, Dieter unfriended me on Facebook. It’s just as well since all he mostly does is complain. Twice I almost dropped him.

Later…

Well, el cocko’s home right now, since Brandy just raced by. But it’s early. He’ll gun out a couple more times before the day’s through.

Still not sure if the truck’s really any quieter, but as is the case almost every morning now, he got on my nerves enough earlier and so did Whiskey.

I’m sitting here thinking that a part of me wishes my parents would hurry up and die, but not just for whatever they may leave Tom and I. And I wish they would die together. That way one of them won’t have to be alone for a while, and that’ll make just one funeral people will be badgering me to go to and not two. But there’s no way in hell I’ll go to either one. Why should I? Just to see people I hate and end up feeling even worse than I already will? Or to end up in jail for kicking the crap out of anyone that so much as dares to even look at me wrong?

The other reason is so I can be done with Tammy. The only reason I’m being “kind” to her is so that she’ll be less likely to fuck me out of what’s due me in the end if I’m right about her being the one to execute the will.

The more I wish them dead, though, the longer they’ll live even though longevity doesn’t exactly run in my family. None of my grandparents made it past 75, so it’s kind of a surprise they’ve made it to 78 and 79. Then again, why should it be? Each generation tends to live longer than the last. Still, I should be careful about what I wish for. I just may not get it. Look how long I wished the queen would go belly up, yet it’s still alive and kicking at 87 unless she died and no one bothered to post her obit online. The Romes removed Steven’s for some reason.

Oh no, they didn’t remove it. I just checked again. I was looking up Steven before, but it’s Stephen – duh.

Anyway, if that queen doesn’t crap out by next August, my prediction for at least when she’ll die will be wrong. The good thing about knowing that she may make it to the 90s like Tom’s dad did is that this increases the chance of Tom living longer, and the only one her existence affects is Miss Perfect. She’s the one who’s got to deal with her and her selfishness unless she gets fed up enough to pawn her off on another family member or toss her in a nursing home.

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 21, 2010
I’m selfish. I really am. I’m nothing but a cold-hearted bitch who puts herself before almost everyone and almost everything. But I did say almost. The more I care about you, the more I will want to aim to please you, and if you’re that good-looking on top of it, I just may stand on my hands all day for you if you asked me to. But if I don’t know you and I stumble across you bleeding to death, chances are I’m not going to try to save you unless there’s something to gain from it or there’s a chance you might bleed all over my favorite shirt or something like that. But as long as I don’t know or care about you and there’s nothing to gain from helping you and no favorite shirts at risk, then you’re welcome to continue on your merry way of bleeding to death. :) In other words, you “collectors” out there can take all your friend requests and shove them up your asses! Really, why would you want to be friends with someone who wishes her siblings would cease to exist so she doesn’t have to share her inheritance?

It’s just after 8am on Tuesday morning as I write this in Word, waiting for our internet connection to return so I can copy it into my blog. We recently had a big storm so hopefully all it is is them fixing whatever the storm may’ve damaged. It’s been down since 7:00. If it’s not back by noon I’ll call Tom and leave him a message.

I’ve been getting some surprising and unfortunate reports about people insisting they’ve been to my blog that has failed to show up on my tracker, and also a lack of a ‘leave comment’ button appearing on their end so they could leave comments. It explains some things, though. There have been times lately when I don’t get any traffic – or at least don’t appear to – for up to 5 hours at a time, which I thought was a bit weird. Between that and the lack of comments I just figured I was getting boring. Nothing exciting usually happens in my life. I’m just a middle-aged, happy but imaginative housewife who would never leave her hubby, but who also wishes she could be with someone she was never meant to have. And speaking of comments, I don’t want any saying she would’ve made my life hell and that I’d be so miserable I’d just want to die and all that shit! But that’s the extent of my life. I sit here wishing and waiting to be insured and to have a home of our own, away from annoying landlords. But I also enjoy doing the things I love to do, half the time with a rat on my shoulder, and interacting with those I care about, intimately or not.

Maliheh was one of those whom I finally heard from last night. She said she looked in on my blog twice that day and the day before as well, so my tracker was obviously not working at least for a while.

She was also unhappy – not mad – but unhappy that I mentioned her being on vacation, reminding me to please not mention anything we talk about. Of course I’ll try harder to remember not to mention even the most trivial things, but sometimes I get sick of people complaining and all the things they’ve been asking me to do or not to do lately. Maliheh doesn’t want things mentioned, Andy doesn’t want things mentioned, Dieter didn’t like how I used the word “motherfucker” in my status, but isn’t it supposed to be my journal and my status updates? Why do people bother reading these things if they’ve got a problem with them anyway? Dieter insisted he didn’t have a problem with me, just that one word, but in cases of things like this that can’t hurt us, wouldn’t it be easier not to read them than to complain? I can see how Maliheh would worry she could’ve lost her job over the story, but it just seems silly to complain over people’s use of words and if they say they’re on vacation of all things. Half the world is on vacation now!

Maliheh assured me, though, that that’s not why she hasn’t been around, but because she’s been busy instead, trying to get her place in order and taking Booty to the vet for minor surgery.

But I thought the second home organizer she had out to the house already got her place in order.

I’m sick of all tech issues! People flying under radar on my blog, emails never received, downloading/uploading issues… the list goes on and on. I wonder if the drama queen got the email I told her on FB I’d send her. It just seems odd that she wouldn’t respond, but so be it. I still don’t wish to be in touch with this person anyway.

I know this may be considered mean but I did a major Facebook friend cleanup job the other day, cutting my friend count from 47 to 31. I just wanted to keep those I’ve actually met or talked to and weed out the collectors.

Now that damn cock is hammering and slamming something around up there. It never takes a day off! We rented a house much older than this trailer up in Oregon and we had only a few problems in the two years we were there, yet there’s always something going on around here. Always. We are just sooo cursed in the neighbor department! And it’s obvious he’s not going to stop this shit anytime soon or get a new truck. So we’re back to the home-all-the-time neighbor that just can’t sit still for long. I’m kind of surprised, too. He was never home before, so I didn’t expect him to be home all the time all of a sudden.

MONDAY, DECEMBER 20, 2010
Wow, no messages or even blog peek-a-boos from Maliheh yesterday. I thought I’d hear more from her now that she’s on vacation. But I know there are a lot of storms going on that might’ve knocked her power out. It’s a miracle we didn’t lose power ourselves yesterday, though the net was slow at times. I’m glad I wasn’t asleep because we had hail and some pretty ferocious thunder, too.

But I got to wake up in pain instead. Yeah, I had another one of those killer toothaches. The kind I first think is connected to my ear. It was horrible and nothing seemed to help it at first. Why does God sic this shit on me so often? I practically drowned myself in a bottle of Aleve, but it took forever to dull the pain enough to fall asleep. Then I woke up a few hours later in pain once again and took some more Aleve. I fell back asleep pretty fast. When I got up for good it ached, but not nearly as bad, and right now I’m fine.

When I’m going through such pain I say, “Ok, this is it. I’ve got to get to a dentist – even if I have to pay for it myself – and deal with this shit once and for all.”

But when I’m not in pain I realize how much I’d hate to have to shove so much of our “savings” into my mouth, and that I would only be swapping in an old problem for a new one of some kind.

He did learn, however, that in just a couple of months, we’ll be eligible for paid holidays/vacations and insurance through the temp company if he doesn’t get hired on. It’s just that the temp company’s insurance would be more expensive.

Now, on with someone who’s too much a part of our everyday lives and who I expect to hear from any time now. Jesse. Tom talked to him yesterday when he came down for our latest problem and learned why he’s been driving this horrendously loud old truck lately. It also added one more “coincidence” to the ever-growing list of accidents, illnesses and injuries to those who have either annoyed me or screwed me over in some way. And again, I did not consciously wish for this to happen. Not quite anyway. I have sometimes wished Jesse would not get killed, but at least be in a wheelchair for a while so he can’t be tending the land and making so much noise.

First he came down on the ATV to pump water that had pooled by where the septic tank is, and to dig a trench to help guide it away. Apparently, when the idiot dragged that dead tree up to his place, it created a trench along the way for the rain to run down and pool at the septic. And Tom’s flushing the toilet 50 times when he clogged it up earlier didn’t help either, LOL, which we laughed about.

He’s been widening his driveway so he can turn around easier, so that’s part of the racket I’ve been hearing lately and why someone came to pick up trees. He’s just about done with this project, but that’s ok. Within a week or two we’ll just go right into a whole new project.

Anyway, Tom casually mentioned the truck he’d been driving and Jesse came out and asked if the police had been by. Tom said no and asked what he meant, and that’s when he told him that supposedly a deer popped out in front of him, causing him to lose control of his truck, roll over and total it. We wouldn’t be surprised if he were really drunk at the time. I know for a fact he drives drunk because that day we lost power and I was up there trying to get him to call the electric company, he was already blitzed and planning to head into the city for the night, which he no longer appears to be doing judging by the sound of the quiet Friday nights we’ve been having lately.

The point is that once again we’re wondering if I both consciously, but mostly unconsciously, influenced this to happen because he’d been doing a fine job of annoying the hell out of me lately. This happened right after the annoying as hell 5-hour bulldozing expedition I had to listen to. It’s kind of funny, but it’s not since I’m the one that has to deal with it by having to listen to him run and gun engines for nearly an hour a day when you consider that he comes and goes 3-6 times a day and does this for 10-15 minutes each time he leaves. And it’s another classic example of how I’m affected by the events in other people’s lives, but they’re never affected by mine.

Then there was the puppy, too. I was so pissed to learn of its existence, knowing I would then have to listen to 3 of them barking up a storm when he used to work instead of 2. Then ironically enough, it got run over.

I just wonder if he’s going to get a new truck once the insurance company pays out the value of the other one, which I would think they’re going to do.

The drama queen certainly wasn’t on disability and sniffing oxygen when she and her kids picked on me the summer before last. And funny how the tables have turned, too. She was picking on us for living in poverty and having nothing but a dingy old trailer in life back when she was pissed at me, yet now we’re doing pretty good while she’s on disability. Well, you don’t get shit from disability, so unless Mark’s making good money – and I hope for her sake he is – she’s looking at a lifetime of financial woes. I should know. I’ve been there before. From the mid-80s to the mid-90s.

Later…

It’s been a dryer, quieter day than I expected, though I did hear the truck a couple of times.

It’s Maliheh I’m getting a little worried about. After one day of not hearing from her, I thought she was just exhausted and catching up on her sleep. But after two days I’m thinking her wifi might be acting up. Or maybe something went wrong with her mother. I just hope she’s ok and that she’ll find a way to get word to me soon enough, whatever’s going on!

Do I think she dumped me? Well, anything’s possible, but I highly doubt it. If she got sick of me or upset with me for any reason, I would think she’d be the first to tell me. I will, however, admit it’s a bit odd that she should disappear, for whatever reason, at the start of her vacation.

Unfortunately, I have no way to track her online activity. We’re not Facebook friends, she doesn’t tweet, nor does she blog, so all I can tell is when she’s checking her mail and I haven’t seen her doing this.

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 19, 2010
Are people getting the email messages I’ve sent them lately? And am I getting emails they’ve sent me? I really thought I’d hear from Maliheh yesterday, but never did. I sent her a message when I first got up yesterday, but there was nothing all day from her or waiting for me when I got up at 2am today. Oh well. Guess she’s been busy.

Got a Hanukah card with a 20-dollar bill in it from Mom and Dad which was very nice. :)

A transformer blew out somewhere around here. The wind and rain have been fierce. The lights dimmed for a second and then I heard the explosion. Tom said he didn’t hear anything, but as he was entering the drive on the way back from the store he saw a bright flash of light behind him. The internet’s been acting up, too.

I talked to Andy, Jessie, Doreen and Nane yesterday. Today I talked to Nane, Dieter, Mitch and Maria. Maria’s the one I went to Valleyhead with, in case you’re wondering, and Andy and Jessie are childhood friends. Doreen also went to the same so-called “school” Maria and I went to, but we never actually met because she was there in the 90s. I was there in the 80s. Doesn’t matter. There’s still a special sisterhood between Valleyheaders whether they knew each other or not.

Anyway, I think I’ve probably spent more time on Facebook in the last couple of days than in the last few months alone!

I was surprised and pleased to hear of the repeal of DADT yesterday. I didn’t think that damn thing would ever go away. But as I was saying to someone else who asked, I still think we have a long way to go for overall equality. You’ve got groups like blacks who have more rights than whites and groups like gays who have less than just about everybody. I’d like to see blacks no longer exempt from being charged with hate crimes and given special treatment in the workplace and the courts. And I’d like to see whites be able to have a White History Month if they want one without being called racists. Furthermore, I’d like to see gays be allowed to marry nationwide. But seeing is believing for me.

I went down 2½ pounds which is rather ironic since I ate like a pig yesterday, LOL. Tom says my expectations are too high and that it’s more reasonable to expect to lose a pound a week, not a pound a day.

That damn cock up the hill is still driving me nuts with the truck, coming and going, running and gunning the engine for 15 minutes at a time. I’m sorry, but no vehicle, no matter how old it is, needs to be revved up like that for that long or left to idle.

Tom doesn’t think he sold his other truck. God, I hope not!

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 18, 2010
So much for thinking the rain would save me from Jesse’s shit. I not only had to sit and listen to his insanely loud truck warm-up for 10 minutes every time he would take off, but it also didn’t stop him from doing whatever the hell he’s been doing around here. I still can’t figure it out. I heard him start the thing up and do his little engine gunning thing, then I heard the truck start to move. I figured I’d see him come down his drive at that point through the trees, but instead, he was actually going up the drive. Then he came back down in reverse a few minutes later.

I just really hope to hell they hire him on because yeah, I’m ready to move. I’m sick of his shit and there always, always being something going on here! But after dealing with this shit for over 2½ years now, I know nothing’s going to change. He just can’t sit still for long. And I’m sure that even though it’s the weekend, and even if he doesn’t work on the land, I’ll still have to hear the fucking truck come and go 6 times today.

At this point, I think it’s pretty safe to say he sold his other truck. Now that he’s retiring – and knowing how much he loves loud vehicles – I’m sure he’d prefer a loud, old piece of shit to go with his cars, motorcycles, dirt bikes and bulldozers.

I know we’ll never escape the neighbor noise curse no matter how much we try to distance ourselves from others, and so I’m ready to start looking for a bigger, newer place. If we’re just going to have to listen to it no matter where we go, we may as well do it at 1000 square feet instead of 500.

Yesterday I said we were going to lose 4 days of pay, but we’re actually going to lose 2. He works 4 days next week and 4 after that. There I was all psyched for him to work, not just for obvious reasons, but so I could have more time alone, and then he starts when we have tons of holidays, LOL. Then again, the holiday season is the worst time to be on unemployment when the checks are delayed and there’s the potential for things to get lost.

On the bright side, they started training him yesterday on the most complicated testing equipment in his department, which helps make us think they’re not going to get rid of him after the first of the year. But will they hire him? It’s still a common practice these days to hire temps that never get hired on. I just wish someone would finally hire him on so I could get to a fucking dentist! If not I’ll have to either continue to suffer or we’ll pay for it ourselves.

The rat, as usual, has me wanting to strangle him at the same time he cracks me up. He has this habit of licking the condensation off the slider, and he’s decided that he loves lapping up water like a dog so much instead of drinking from the spout of his water bottle, that he should chew holes in the corners of his bottle so he can lap it up. Yeah, that’s how smart rats are. The bottle is sort of square-shaped, and he chewed holes in the top front corners and even tilted the bottle so he could reach the water easier, the damn little devil! That’s an expensive bottle, too. So I took it out before he could fuck it up even more and gave him a bowl of water to lap from.

What was funny as hell was that yesterday he’d just jumped onto the couch when I said, “You want to go outside?” and wiggled the doorknob. He leaped off the couch, flew across the room, and was jumping up and down by the door, LOL. I don’t know what his obsession with the outdoors is all about, but of course I won’t let him out there in case the dogs or any cats go by. I just open the door a tiny crack so he can sniff the outdoors.

Maliheh had another home organizer go to her place who she says really knows her stuff. They got a lot done in a few hours, she told me. She must have a ton of extra money to be able to afford such services!

Later…

I decided to allow tracking of Molly’s activity just to see where she goes. She appears to open a lot of old entries when she’s not sitting there refreshing the page over and over again. Today, however, she must have somewhat of a life because she’s not accessing my blog every few minutes as usual. I’ll block her from tracking again when I get sick of her.

Aside from a couple of engine gunning sprees (yeah, 7 days a week that’s going to be the story of our lives), and the cold, wind and rain, today’s been a fun day. Tom and I are enjoying some sweet treats, the rat’s been loads of fun, and I had a lovely chat with Nane.

She’s bored and wishing I was snowed in with her and her champagne. As hot as she is, I’m glad I’m not! LOL, I’d love to meet her, but not in the snow. I’ll pass on the champagne, too.

She cracks me up big time. Yeah, she had me laughing so damn hard because they measure weight and height differently in Europe and she was telling me she was 5’ 8”, just a “little” taller than me, and she weighs 369 pounds, LMAO! She was just joking, though. In reality, she’s about 140 pounds.

She also had me cracking up when I was talking about the states I’ve lived in and she commented about me being a Midwestern ratgirl. I said, “That’s not the Midwest, silly!” But she doesn’t know her geography very well. That’s ok. Neither do I. I’ve only recently been learning my way around Europe, though her beloved Turkey and Greece fall just below Europe, sort of in the Middle East.

I told her that after we take the Italy trip, I’ll enter to win a trip to the Munich area and leave it to fate, though I sure as hell ain’t going there in the winter!

When she lived here when she was 23 she came to not like the US and hasn’t been here since. She said that was when she was still young and pretty. As I told her, she may not be young, but she’s still pretty. And she told me I looked pretty as hell and was very attractive. Well, I don’t think so, but I’m flattered she does. And even though she doesn’t have the dark eyes I thought she had. She said they’re actually more like a bluish-gray. Wow, I didn’t know that. They look brown in her pictures. So now she and Maliheh both lack something. Nane lacks the dark eyes and Maliheh lacks the height.

Speaking of Maliheh, I had hoped to hear from her today, but so far nothing’s come in from her. Oh well, maybe later. She seems to prefer doing email at night anyway.

Back to Nane. She is so sweet. Why couldn’t I have had fun with people like her before I got married? Because true lust wasn’t meant to be, that’s why. It’s nothing new or anything I don’t know.

I like how she’s 95% reality and just 5% flirtatious. Marie was 50% dirty talk and 50% paranoia which was definitely a bit much for me, LOL.

Anyway, she hates Germany and is looking forward to retiring to Greece or Turkey someday. I don’t blame her. She posted pictures of her neighborhood which is covered in snow. I sent her the link to the satellite image of our place. The same one I sent Maliheh a few days ago. She said she can see the chairs on her terrace on Google Earth.

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 17, 2010
I now have Molly’s physical address. I gave her an ultimatum in my blog, knowing she’ll read it, and that’s that if she ever contacts me again, I will decide at that time whether to contact her local police department and file a formal complaint (this isn’t likely knowing how worthless the pigs can be) or to plaster her address all over the internet. It’s her choice. If she does not wish for any of these things to happen, then she will never contact me again. She can look, she can “like,” she can follow, she can read, but she cannot and will not contact me ever again by any means on any site at any time.

I’m trying to help give my schedule a little push to shove it ahead a little further so Maliheh and I can both be on vacation together, so to speak. But by the end of next week, I should be back to being up in the evenings anyway. That’s our prime time. :) I know we’ll both still have other things we gotta do, but it’ll still be nice to be vacationing at the same time.

We’re going to lose 4 days of pay for the rest of the month – fucking holidays! But we made sure not to spend any extra money, so we’ll be ok.

Ask was rocking with tons of questions yesterday. Except for any asstrolls interfering, it was kinda fun. I’ve already answered nearly 100 questions. Wonder if any of them were from Maliheh, though they were a bit too well-written for her.

When I heard that damn truck start up and saw it head down the drive at just 7:00 yesterday morning, I thought to myself, you gotta be kidding! Now? He’s going to work on the land now this early and at 37º? But he left and didn’t come back till around noon. Either someone was there or he took the dogs with him because I never once heard any barking.

It’s obvious he either sold, loaned, or is having work done on his other truck, which sucks. This old one he’s been driving is much too loud. And because it’s old he sits there running and gunning it forever. And I’m sick of all the land activity! He was flying around on the ATV, then Tom saw some truck in the drive gathering trees. It’s someone he hired to do it. I guess maybe they mulched the wood or something, but when oh when are we going to have fewer outdoor projects to have to deal with? Not for the next 5 days, I hope, because it’s going to be raining through Tuesday. And since I’m going to be crashing in the late afternoon, I shouldn’t have to deal with tonight’s barking fit if he’s still spending Friday nights in the city.

Later…

Our little engine gunner just came out to run and gun the fucking truck for 10 minutes. I know older vehicles take longer to fire up, but 10 minutes?! And I think he simply turned it off in the end too, and never went anywhere. What, is he just doing it just do it? Just to get attention or something? If he really did go anywhere, though it didn’t sound like he did, someone must be staying with him because the dogs are quiet and I doubt he’d take them with him in the rain. Really wish we could just go a whole day without hearing from him!

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 16, 2010
You would think I would’ve learned by now not to be dumb enough to post links here or anywhere else where Molly might see them, but it’s too late now. I signed up at a site similar to Formspring called Ask. I tipped Aly and Kim off and they joined soon afterward. And Molly was quick to follow us.

Will someone please help me to understand stalkers? I never would’ve thought I’d be stalked by someone I don’t even know. I thought stalkers usually stalked those they’re at least somewhat acquainted with other than in cases of celebrity stalking. Yet here I am being stalked by a virtual stranger who’s only latched onto me because she was once friends with her main target. And even though I, as well as others, are clearly being stalked, it’s all being kept within “reasonable” limits that can’t legally be classified as stalking, even though that’s exactly what it is because I have made it clear to this person that I don’t want anything to do with them. Yet they keep their contact minimal enough and non-threatening enough for us to be able to do anything about it.

I just don’t get it, though. Why would anyone want to put their energy into following and harassing those who don’t want any contact from them instead of putting that energy into interacting with those who do? There are so many people out there who want to know us that I just don’t see the point. Is it the thrill of the chase or something that turns these people on? But why? There’ll be no capture in the end, so why chase what you can’t catch?

If Maliheh ever told me to fuck off I’d be hurt and I’d miss her, but I’d also be quick to respect her wishes. No one’s obligated to remain in my life any more than I’m obligated to remain in theirs, and I know this.

Ask has no block feature, believe it or not, so I’ll deactivate the account if the abuse gets bad.

Haven’t chatted with Maliheh in a few days now – fucking schedule curse! – but I hope we will soon. I miss her, but she’s always on my mind just the same. :) She sure was when we were looking at land for sale in the area just to get an idea of what’s out there. Tom said it was surprisingly cheaper than he thought it would be, too. Well, we still don’t know if we’ll end up in a senior community or on acreage, but the fantasies sure turned themselves on at the thought of us living on a 10-acre parcel with a trailer or some other place on it that we rented to Maliheh, LOL. She’d make the perfect neighbor! Yeah, I know. It’s just a fantasy. But it sure is a fun one!

She was in really late, like at around 2am her time. Hope she wasn’t waiting up for me and losing sleep for nothing! I’d say she just couldn’t sleep. I sent her an email letting her know I miss her but hope to catch her this weekend and on her vacation.

I got to laugh at Nane when I saw her cold, snowy weather forecast. It was cool to see it in German and to be able to understand it, too. My weather is like a sauna to her, she said, LOL. She and I decorated each other’s walls again and then I ended up sleeping forever. Like 10-11 hours. I had a million dreams, but none of Maliheh.

The rat “helped” me dust the living room yesterday, chasing after the duster and things like that. He is so damn cute! It’s so funny how he runs to the door when I say, “wanna go outside?” But of course I won’t let him in case a cat goes by.

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 14, 2010
Been playing tag with my GF for a couple of days now due to our schedules clashing, but even though we haven’t chatted “live” we’ve swapped a few messages just to touch base. And she “checks in” too, which lets me know she’s alive and well and puts a smile on my face while she’s at it.

I was off to a slow start when I got up. I usually update my status right away so people can know when I’m awake and what I’m up to, but I was lazy at first.

I got up just after 8:30, went to check for messages, saw she was on, then sent a message. But as soon as I sent it, she went offline. Or so I thought. I forget she has multiple computers which I realize – duh – is why she doesn’t always get overwritten on my stats list. It not only recognizes individual IPs but individual browsers as well. Anyway, I figured she’d gone to bed so I went off to shower and do other things. But then she sent a picture of her cat with a Christmas hat on. It was cute, but I wish she’d send pics of herself! Hopefully, she’s been getting the messages she hasn’t responded to, but I think it’s safe to say she has.

I both hate and like being on nights. On nights our schedules clash, but I don’t have to listen to Jesse’s shit so much either. But now that I’m staying up till the early afternoons, he’s been on my nerves again. I thought I heard something running for a few minutes up there at 9:30, but whatever it was wasn’t as loud and vibrant as what I heard Monday, and it didn’t last as long. It was rainy and windy yesterday, so that’s why it was quieter. It’ll be fairly dry and in the 50s for the rest of the week, so I’m sure he’ll drive me crazy enough then. Gotta keep the sound machines on just to concentrate on my writing. But the good thing is knowing that the next 8 or 9 hours will be nice and quiet. :)

When I saw Maliheh’s forecast I pretty much struck her state from the possibilities list, LOL. Sorry, but I just can’t see myself moving to where it gets down to 16º at night!

Tom said it’d be better to look on Craigslist than rent.com since rent.com does mostly apartments and condos. I should’ve thought of that too, as that’s how we found this place. Still not sure it’s worth moving, especially if we really are buying a place in less than two years, but it doesn’t hurt to keep my eyes open as to what’s out there. I’m not only sick of Jesse, but I’m also sick of being crammed into such bummy old places! Oh, to have a full-size washer/dryer readily hooked up, a dishwasher and an extra bathroom! I miss those things and I hate having to pee when he’s in the shower. And I would really love 3 bedrooms but would settle for 2.

The situation with actor Rip Torn is a reminder of why I rarely read the news. It only pisses me off. He gets 5 minutes of probation for storming a bank drunk armed while I got 6 months in jail and 2 years of probation for a threatening letter I never sent. Why is it that the more serious the crime, the less you pay? If that’s the case I oughta just go up and run Jesse over with his fleet of vehicles and shut him up that way! I’ll only get a slap on the wrist for it, so why not?

I’m working on a few writing projects now, some of which I can share and others which I’m not at liberty to share. Not sure if I’m going to post any more of the ones I can share since I’m still not sure where I’m going with it. Unlike most authors, I let the story lead me more than I lead it. Yes, I start off with some general ideas, but I don’t have the nitty-gritty details all mapped out up front like most writers, and with just under 1000 words, I’d say it hasn’t led me very far yet.

I’m so sick of being hungry just to not lose much weight that only comes right back and have decided to just accept the fact that I was meant to be big just like 99% of those over 30. I know not dieting means I’ll gain a pound a day for life instead of just not losing weight like most people who don’t diet, but I was the one that said I’d like to even out our lifespans after all by not being so damn healthy since women usually live a decade longer than men and I’m almost a decade younger than Tom. Getting humungous will be a much more fun way to ruin my health than returning to smoking would be. And cheaper too, since I don’t exactly have to eat like a pig to do it with my barely functioning metabolism. Oh yes, high blood pressure here I come!

Tom installed blackout corners on my laptop now that they’ve finally got a program for Vista. This way I can listen to music in the dark like I prefer and not have to put that stupid box cover over the screen so it’s not so damn bright.

MONDAY, DECEMBER 13, 2010
Jesse’s been running and gunning loud engines, as usual, and getting on my nerves like he loves to do every other day. I looked on rent.com, but there is not one single house for rent in this town or any of the neighboring towns. It’s all apartments and condos. Am I missing something? Besides, I’m still not sure I want to go and pay a few hundred more in rent just because we can and take a chance at ending up someplace noisier.

There’s a 70% chance of rain today, so hopefully that’ll shut him up. Only the rain and the heat seems to keep him quiet. Every other dry day that’s under 85º I gotta hear some kind of shit coming from up there. I expected him to be noisy today because I hadn’t heard from him in a few days. I just didn’t think he’d spoil the peace and break my concentration (I was working on one of my stories) at 8:00. He usually doesn’t start his shit till between 9:00 - 11:00. Wish it could rain every day that I’m on days when it’s not summer!

Didn’t talk to Maliheh but she checked my blog once which was nice. That way I don’t have to worry that anything’s wrong. No guarantees I’ll be up before she crashes tomorrow night, though, as I told her.

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 12, 2010
My hair is now the perfect shade of dark brown. It’s dark and sexy, but not so dark that it looks witchy against my light skin.

But I was only down half a pound today, so that’s not good. At least the scale’s not going up. Decided to try running in place super fast for two minutes every half hour. That way I’ll get nearly an hour’s worth of exercise a day without jarring my joints so much or getting all sweaty.

Eileen is both happy and sad lately. A good childhood friend killed himself that named her to execute his will, so she had to fly down to Dallas to be sworn in.

But all three of her kids are expecting. How weird. I mean, what are the odds with fewer people having kids, particularly marrieds? But she is happy because as she said, she gets to play with them and send them home.

Once again we decided to put a hold on trying to sell the Beanie Babies until the economy picks up. There are just too many of them not selling. There was a 250-lot that was only at $26, and we don’t want to just give them away. We have given and we have done enough for others at our expense. Excluding those I care about, now it’s time to be a little selfish and do for us.

Still not sure about staying here until we buy our forever home, wherever that may be. I hate being cramped in here, and yes, we can now afford a nicer place, but the dogs have been quieter since Jesse’s been out of work, and this is about as cheap as it gets for California. I like the money we can save here and it sure would be more convenient if the next stop could be to our own home. All we pay is $825 in rent, a couple hundred a year for propane, $15 a month for the next year for our DSL, plus food, gas and cell phone time. We don’t have an electric or a water bill and everything is in Jesse’s name, including the internet. We don’t get our mail here but have been getting free service where we do get it for over a year now, LOL, as they keep forgetting to charge us.

I’m both happy for and proud of someone special right now. :) IDK, maybe I am a little in love. Quite often silence speaks a thousand words, though her not saying anything one way or another about my feelings for her only serves to add to the mystery. Why keep in touch every day with someone you supposedly only like as a friend? And who needs a friend that bad that they’d bother with someone on the other side of the country? Could it be guilt over her going off on me in the past and not giving us a chance? Something else? She both “acts” and doesn’t “act” like it’s mutual, so as usual, I don’t know what to make of her.

Anyway, she said the show went well, is glad it’s over, and is proud of her kids. Wow, so she teaches kids? Didn’t think she’d have the patience for that, LOL.

Mutual or not, I decided to give her a whole day off from saying anything flirty or dirty, LOL.

Sometimes when we talk I go to tell her something about myself and find myself wishing she’d read my bio so I didn’t have to go through it again. But not everyone likes to read and she’s one of them. This is ok too, as we all have our likes and dislikes. But then I got the idea to copy/paste snippets of my bio into my blog and include them in my regular entries a little at a time. And it wouldn’t be just so she can get to know me better, but for others as well who might not have tuned in until later on in this blog’s life. It’ll be a reintroduction of sorts. I’ll make sure not to copy too much at once so it won’t be too much reading for her or for anyone else.

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 11, 2010
Chatted with Maliheh earlier. I gotta admit that girl cracks me up with the way she puts up with some of the shit I say, particularly the more suggestive stuff. At the same time, it’s a bummer it’s not reciprocated, it’s kinda funny how she simply ignores it and goes right on as if I never said anything of the kind, LOL. She is one tough and tolerant lady! I try to limit my flirting, though, and even in cases where the attraction is mutual, like with Nane and I, too much is too much even if it’s a good thing.

One of the things I love most about her is that she has never tried to change me. Not anything about me personally, not the way I think, not the way I live – nothing.

As much as she loves her job, she’s glad she has only a week left till vacation, learned a friend of a fellow musician from long ago died of cancer, and doesn’t believe she herself would bother to fight if she learned she had stage 3 cancer. She said the chemo thing doesn’t interest her, so she’d sell all her stuff and spend her final days in Hawaii.

I wouldn’t even fight stage 1. At my age, I’ve lived long enough and I gotta go someday anyway. So why make myself even more miserable just to maybe survive? I’d just blast music, write up a storm, and eat like a pig!

She was an armed guard at a bank for a while as well as for Capitol Records down in L.A. which she said was no fun since she doesn’t like guns.

Her mother’s got ALS which is a terrible disease to have from what I read and won’t live more than 3-5 years. Both her parents were/are unhealthy with mainly heart and circulatory problems. Her mother was so heavy people constantly asked when she was due. But she was adopted and knows nothing about her bio folks, so she’s not so worried about getting these things herself.

Tomorrow night’s the show, which she says she’ll be glad is finally done and over with. Wish I could be there to see it!

She also asked more about my sleep patterns, saying it’s hard to tell when I sleep. I explained a little more about it and also sent her a link explaining it more in detail.

She said it’s been raining and she was able to take a peaceful nap today as that’s the only time the dogs are taken indoors. Not here! She also sleeps with a fan on cuz she can’t stand outside noise.

Got kind of warm out today and I had to sleep with the fan on myself. It’ll be near 70º tomorrow. Wish I weren’t on nights, but nights are great for writing!

Hulu is really pissing me off lately with all their damn commercials. And now I can’t watch any Lifetime movies until next year because all they’re having this month are Christmas-related movies. When are people going to realize that not everyone is into this Christmas shit? I can’t wait for this year to end! I hate how Christmas does nothing but disrupt and delay things. December needs to be removed from the calendar completely.

On the bright side, it may be a good time to finally get rid of some of the Beanie Babies, so we’re going to start listing them again tomorrow.

Tom started to come down with a cold, but I was able to kill it before it could set in.

I had a dream where I was back in my old apartment in 1990 playing the intro to the Guns & Roses song Sweet Child O’ Mine on the guitar (yeah, I used to play that shit), and a two-second dream of Maliheh.

I decided that I had to take a day off from dieting yesterday rather than wait till today. I expected a two-pound setback but only gained back one. Been up since 6pm and there’s no eating allowed till 2am. I try to have my few hundred calories a day during the middle of my day. If it gets really bad in between I’ll have coffee or fruit. Had a few pretzels earlier with the rat.

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 10, 2010
Tom went for an eye exam after work today and is getting both progressive and reading glasses next week. The whole thing came to something like $160.

It’s so not fair! He’s older than me yet his eyes are better! He barely needs glasses at all. Because he’s nearsighted his eyes are improving with age. Mine are so bad I worry they won’t be correctable in another 10-20 years.

Woke up at the same weight today. That’s because yesterday I got so hungry and rundown that I had to eat. I still stayed under 1000 calories but I had twice as much as the day before. So today I gotta starve a little harder if I want to drop anymore. I’m not a stupid idiot, though, either. I’m not going to let myself get sick. If I start getting to where I’m having trouble functioning, I’ll eat. I plan to eat anyway, I just want to wait till the middle of my day, and it’s only going to be a few bites if I can help it. But you can bet I’ll be slamming on all the burgers, fries and truffles in my dreams!

I might have to eat every other day, though I’ve been going easy on the exercise. Been doing enough to keep in shape and keep my muscles toned, but not so much that I make myself even hungrier.

I’m wearing Honey Rain perfume now. It’s kind of interesting. I like it but I don’t think I’ll add it to my favorites list. The honey vanilla smells just like my honey vanilla coffee creamer, mmm…

I want to be a ghost when I die. Not some unhappy restless spirit, but a playful one that gets to pull all kinds of fun pranks. I always thought the idea of being able to “tap” someone on the shoulder while another person watched them freak out over it and wonder if they were losing their mind would be loads of fun, LOL.

So here’s to hoping to “hide” someone’s car keys or something in the afterlife while I continue to go hungry in this one!

Nane rocks. But Maliheh rocks harder. The more I learn the more I really like that girl. We have more in common. Nane’s sweet, smart and maybe a little better-looking, but all we have in common is our love for languages. As far as I know anyway.

For 20 years I saw Maliheh as just a great-looking bitch. Now I see her as a great-looking bitch with a real brain in her head. She even makes me laugh at times. It’s a nice fresh breath of air too, considering all the brainless idiots out there these days.

Maliheh’s still a bit rundown herself but is looking forward to her vacation in 10 days. She said she just wanted to check in so I didn’t think she was really sick.

She got her first computer only a few years ago and believes there’s got to be an afterlife because there’s energy in everything.

She went to KFC and has a propane headache. She got her tank filled and the place reeked so bad of it that she called them back out to make sure the place wasn’t going to blow up.

She gets a kick out of my Formspring answers but wishes her electronics weren’t on the fritz. She wonders if her musician friend that died is fucking with her as a prank. Enough to irritate her but not cause her any harm. Those are mean pranks if he is.

She was woken up by her security company to be told she owes money that she doesn’t owe and ended up cussing them out for it, too. Guess there’s been a crime wave in her area where they kick in the door and grab what they can, so she got an alarm installed. She doesn’t do guns but keeps a can of wasp spray by her bed, saying it sprays 27’, can do permanent damage, and if they had that on the 911 planes and in schools where there have been massacres there’d be a lower death rate.

That sounds like a damn good idea; using wasp spray as mace. I think we may have some. Didn’t we get a can up in the Klam? Anyway, it’s good if there are too many intruders or one that’s armed. I will look for it tomorrow and put it in a handy spot just in case.

Later…

Swapped messages with Nane and learned another German word too, while I was at it.

I’m down another pound and getting used to my diet, but I still get plenty hungry at times. I try not to eat until it gets really bad. Fortunately, it’s not taking as much to fill me up these days as my tummy’s shrunk. I’m going to allow myself to take a break tomorrow, but only for one day, since even just one day off means putting back on 2 of the 4 pounds I’ve lost.

Some were debating whether or not it was ok to get upset if it turns out we’re not what someone wants that we happen to like. It was an interesting discussion in a forum on another site. I say don’t “blame” someone for not wanting you. It’s ok to be bummed that they don’t (sort of how I feel about Maliheh), but while some people’s reasons for not desiring us may seem silly, unfair and even cruel, we can’t help what we like/dislike. So you can’t really fault someone for something they don’t have much control over, but that’s just my opinion.

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 8, 2010
Oh, wow. Just wow. :))) Nane got the most flirtatious ever with me, LOL. I sent her a message about a dirty dream I had where I was “lost” in Germany and she and I had all kinds of fun while waiting for Tom to “drive” over and get me. And she did it in public on her wall too, about how she’d show me my way home if I weren’t so far away. Amazing coming from someone who’s not crazy, but maybe that’s because she’s halfway around the world, LOL.

I sent her a flirty email too, but she might not get it till she wakes up.

The disturbing dream was the one where Tom and I were at a grocery store where he was cashing an unemployment check. Yet he said that they started training him for even more sophisticated jobs at work, so that’s a good sign. They seem to hire people on in groups. We just hope he’s next in January!

When I woke up 8 hours ago at noon I was shocked and pissed to see I was up a couple of pounds after being back on my usual diet and exercise routine for a couple of days. So that’s when I said, fuck it. I just won’t eat. I’m tired, cold and hungry and I know it’s not healthy, but it’s working! Wish I could stand to do this in 5-pound increments. Lose 5 pounds, eat a few days, lose 5 more pounds, etc.

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 7, 2010
I’m surprised but pleased not to hear from Tammy today. But if the doctors find anything bad with her on Wednesday I’m sure she’ll contact me for sympathy.

Poor Alison, though. She still has cancer but her body is currently too weak for any more radiation therapy. So they’re giving her pills to block estragon which can make cancer worse, then she’ll have to undergo more radiation.

At the end of Maliheh’s last email this evening she wrote: “over and out.” She always signs off with that signature “over and out” of hers.

She was in the army. Bet she looked great in those army fatigues. :)

She doesn’t teach vocals, just guitar and bass guitar.

She says NorCal isn’t for her.

She says she had a love/hate relationship with her father and that it wasn’t all sour grapes. He actually took good care of her and her mom till he checked out.

She was a big Western fan growing up, loved the desert and the night sky there, particularly Monument Valley, a place I’ve never been to, and says she’s had enough ocean for her lifetime. She may vacation in the desert someday. I told her that if she travels within 1000 miles of me and doesn’t stop by, I’ll be pissed, LOL. Tom said 1000 miles is still a long way, so I said ok, make it 500 miles.

On my wall Nane asked, Wann war Dein Geburtstag, Schätzchen? (when was your birthday, honey?) I told her but never heard back from her.

I’m a brunette again. Ah, it looks a lot better than the blond did. :)

Tom was reading an article on rats and apparently, the squeaking we can hear them do at times is quite low-pitched for them. When they’re happy they squeak at a frequency too high for humans to hear. Same with mom and baby rats. They talk to each other at levels we can’t hear.

Speaking of rats, I gotta give mine a bath since he has no roommates to clean him. Although rats are great swimmers I’m not sure he’ll like that very much, though he will probably appreciate how much cleaner he’ll feel after. Rats’ coats get kind of greasy if another rat or a person doesn’t clean them. I haven’t spent much time with him today, so a little quality time with my favorite vermin couldn’t hurt. :)

Got up just after 1:00 today, just in time for Jesse’s shit, but now I don’t think what I’ve been hearing lately is the bulldozer. Instead, it’s an old pickup that’s quite loud. Yeah, I can’t keep track of all his vehicles! He’d been keeping the back of it by the side of the drive, and Tom said it was back there again on his way in from work. Before that, though, it was attached to its cab. I got up, got my coffee and thought wow, what a quiet day for a sunny weekday that’s not over 85º. Then I heard the ATV and thought, oh no, here we go with the bullshitter! But when I stepped outside to go running I saw him go up and down in the truck, then I heard what sounded like him tossing something into the back of it. It also smelled like he was burning brush. There’s only so much brush to gather, though, in the areas it matters. Could he be gathering firewood? It seems he always has to be doing something. :(

I was laughing when I saw Andy and Maliheh’s 5-cast. Andy’s getting snow and lows in the teens. Maliheh’s not as bad off, but she’s not like us either, LOL. We’ll be 20º warmer all week.

MONDAY, DECEMBER 6, 2010
I didn’t expect to do another entry today, but I thought I’d jot down some feelings that are weighing rather heavily on my mind.

First, though, people have been asking me lately why I hate the number 4 so much. Well, it not only has been associated with some rather unpleasant events in my life, but some cultures also believe it’s an unlucky number, the Japanese in particular.

I was born on the 4th and a lot of my life has sucked.

In the projects I was in that caused me to have a breakdown before I left New England altogether, there were 4 kids next to me who helped drive me to that breakdown during the 4 months I was there.

In those final years before I quit smoking, I would often wake up 4 hours into my sleep with an asthma attack. The one that nearly killed me was on the 4th floor when I lived in apartment #14 in a building in Springfield, MA.

In our Phoenix house, a Mormon family moved in next door. They also had 4 kids and they also drove me out of my fucking mind.

Two years later they moved. Then on March 4th of 1996, even worse neighbors moved in.

Three years later on June 4th, we got yet even worse neighbors.

In 2004 we lost our home in Arizona. That was on Lot 40. Our lives were horrible at this place, and yes, there was a 4 in our address there.

A few months later we lost our parcel of land in Oregon before we could build a dome house on it as planned. That was Unit 4 of the Klamath Falls Forest Hills Estate.

When we moved into this trailer, which once lived in a real trailer park, there was a ‘4’ on the side of it. It bugged me, but Tom assured me it was meaningless. Then he got laid off and our lives got progressively shittier. I made him chisel the evil number off and slowly things got better.

In the end, I’m just so glad I wasn’t born on 4/4/44!

Thoughts of both my sister and Maliheh have left me with some seriously mixed emotions. The emotions I feel where Tammy’s concerned are very different than what I’m feeling for Maliheh, of course.

With Tammy, it’s simpler. I don’t want to get too close because I don’t want to be burned again and it’s just not easy getting over the past. Getting someone in jail in the past, then trying to do it again is HUGE. So as I told her (when I replied to a message she sent letting me know she had some health problems), I’m here but will be keeping my distance. Sometimes people get along better that way. And as I also told her, due to the age difference, the distance and not knowing each other very well, we should leave the kids out of it, more or less. That way we don’t get into the he-said-she-said game. I wish them the very best, but I’m no “aunt” to anyone any more than I’m anyone’s great-grandmother. And I’m ok with that and accepting the areas in life in which I fall short. I gave her an update on our lives, wished her well and that’s pretty much it for now. I think her youngest is a mean little bitch and I just don’t want or need the drama.

I was telling Maliheh, who can’t wait for the Christmas show she and her students are putting on to be over with, of my problems with Tammy and asked for her advice. Then she told me that while she had an ok childhood, her father checked out later on in life while she was in high school and she came to really hate him. And while she pretended to love him and let him die thinking she did, she laughed at his funeral and spit on his grave. She said “family” is the other F word, and because she was adopted, maybe that’s why she sees family differently. They never even cared to help her when she was homeless, though she refuses to do the same. That means that she took care of business when her dad died and she helped make sure her mother was ok. She said that just because she was my sister didn’t mean I had to love her, but that’s just the cold-hearted bitch in her.

This was when I thanked her for being the same cold-hearted bitch I am and told her that I laughed when I read of Tammy’s problems. Yeah, maybe karma does bite my perps on the ass, though just not always as hard as I’d like. I guess the doctors (if she’s not being a hypochondriac as usual). I guess she’s got lung problems and is on disability and on oxygen. She’s going back to Yale to have a “pain pump put in her abdomen,” whatever the hell that means. It’d be nice if she died so there’d be just 2 of us to share the inheritance (if there is one) and not 3, but I couldn’t get that lucky.

On with Maliheh. I realize she’s more responsible than I thought she was. I pictured her dumping every woman she was ever with as soon as they pissed her off and not believing in working things out and unconditional love and all that. But she said no, she’s the one that got dumped by the few she ever cared about. They cheated on her and it hurt so much that’s why she never did it herself or believed in physical abuse. She said she wanted to try again, but they just kept cheating and then they dumped her. She said she’ll stomp, moan, bitch and scream, but who doesn’t say mean, hurtful things every now and then when they’re pissed?

This leaves me to wonder – is she ever sorry that we didn’t work out? Does she ever wonder if maybe I’d have been the one and I’d have been good to her and we might still be together if she’d given me a chance? I wish she had some regrets just like I do, but I don’t think she does. Especially since she said she enjoyed our chat, as usual, but likes it when we talk about the way things truly are and is happy I have Tom. In other words, she’s glad I have him because she still doesn’t want me.

I have really come to like the person she is. I like the fire within her and her honesty. I think men make better “quiet” types. I’ve come to see that we have some things in common and that she’s not what I thought she was all about. And while I know and accept the fact that all we can and will ever be is just friends which is certainly way more than I ever expected, I’m not going to sit here and lie about my feelings either. It hurts that we’re not into each other in the same way. It hurts that she’ll never come out and tell me she’s attracted to me. It hurts that she’ll never tell me she has feelings for me. It hurts knowing that if I was suddenly single and in her town, she would still only want to be just my friend. But I’m very glad to have her as a friend and a part of my life just the same. I just wish it wasn’t so hard on me at times and so frustrating. I’d never want to change the way my life is or give up Tom, but I’m sorry we didn’t work out or can’t be more than friends right now. It sucks loving things the way they are but also wishing they could be different if that makes a damn bit of sense. I would have been good to her and not cheated or anything like that, but I just wasn’t the one for her. Never was, never will be. I just hope she meets her Miss Right unless she prefers going solo. I would feel a tinge of jealousy, yes, but I would be happy for her just like she’s happy I have Tom.

So that was pretty much what we talked about before she went to bed saying that while she does love Christmas carols, if she never hears “Jingle Fucking Bells” again, it would suit her just fine, LOL.

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 5, 2010
I hate to start an entry off on a sour note, but I feel I must warn you about Molly Rose M. She and a friend of hers have been following, stalking and harassing Alison, Kim and myself for some time now, and this very sick and obsessive person tends to do the same to our friends. This is how she latched onto me; through Alison. Not that I blame Alison one bit.

Lastly, and to make it clear to everyone out there, I do not know this person or why she harasses people. I have never been friends with this person, I have never wanted to be friends with this person, nor do I ever plan to be friends with this person. Why she has continued to follow and contact me after I have clearly made it known to her that I want nothing to do with her, is beyond me. She will simply go down the line of friends like a chain letter from friend to friend, stalking and harassing them one by one. Therefore I recommend that no one leave me their Facebook link, for example, if you don’t want your friend’s friend to be followed and badgered by this nut month after month, year after year. Be sure to only send links and other personal info in PMs only!

Tammy messaged me on Facebook saying she thought today was the 4th and that she hoped I had a good birthday yesterday. I thought it odd after all that she would forget. So I told her no problem, and yeah, it was fun.

I heard from Mitch too, but what I don’t get is why he sent me a message at my mail.com account. I didn’t even know he had that addy, and since we’ve always kept in touch on Yahoo, I was kind of surprised. It’s just too bad he’s still not doing well. He’s still out of work, depressed, and with a bad back and an ailing mother.

It’s pretty rainy out and the frogs are croaking up a storm. This is the first time this year I’ve heard them.

Today and yesterday have been amazingly pain-free in the ear and tooth department, so I can’t complain there.

No interesting dreams either, other than one where we were living somewhere along the east coast and Tom was flying to work in England. We were even talking about moving there, nothing I’d ever want to do in real life. It’s too cold and wet there. It’s cold and wet enough here in the winter.

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 4, 2010
I’m going to have the nicest-smelling desk chair in the town of Auburn (maybe even the whole damn state) if I don’t stop spilling my perfumed oils on it. I try to gently pull the caps off the vials, but sometimes it comes flying off and causes a bit of a spillover.

So now that I’m smelling profoundly of aloe rain I can say that my birthday was both fun and annoying. I didn’t care for the long drive into the Citrus Heights/Sacramento area or the walk down Memory Lane, but it was fun to leave it all behind in the end. Yeah, we went by the old storage place and there I was remembering those desperate 36 hours of homelessness, thinking we were dead for sure and wanting to smash all our stuff so no one “profited” from our deaths. I remember trying to sleep in the truck and how uncomfortable I was in the old heap of shit, how cold I was, how helpless and hopeless I felt.

Last night Maliheh was the first to “sing” me happy birthday.

Well I don’t know how long it takes to get this email so ill send it a few min earlier Happy birthday to you Happy birthday to you haaaaapppppy biiiiiirrrthdaaaay deeeeeeeaarrr Jooooooodddddiiiiiiiii. Haaaaaappppyy biiiiiirrthdaaaaY toooooooooo youuuuuuuuu. It’s 12:00 December 4th I hope I was the first to sing you a happy birthday. I sure hope what e er you do for your birthday you enjoy it I’m beat got a long day coming up. Over and out

That was so sweet of her. :) Andy, Aly and Kim also wished me a happy birthday. I’m really surprised, though pleased, that Tammy didn’t contact me. But I am kind of surprised that Nane, Mitch and my cousin didn’t even have the decency to leave a quick hello on my Facebook wall. Especially since I remembered their birthdays. So today was a reminder of just who cares about me and who doesn’t, and to those that actually give a shit, I am very grateful. :) Still, maybe the message I intend to leave on my wall later on will slap a little guilt over some people’s heads. grins devilishly I’m more into treating people how they treat me as opposed to treating everyone the way I wish to be treated, so I just may get hit with amnesia when certain birthdays roll around. :)

I had a dream a while back (I think I wrote about it) where Maliheh and I were dining out somewhere and she shook her head in shocked wonder and said something like, “How can what we’re so sure are the wrong people be so right while the right people are so wrong?”

It’s true, too! Never in a million years would I have guessed she’d care as much as Tom and my folks! But she does and it makes me both happy to have her in my life as well as sorry I can’t hug the hell outa her for it. Oh, man, if somebody had told me 5, 10, 15 years ago that she’d one day be the first to wish me happy birthday, then care enough to want to hear about it, I’d have laughed my ass off! I just never would’ve believed it. Life ain’t what we plan it, but some of life’s surprises are really great! I know there are no guarantees in life, but I hope she’ll always be a part of my life.

Maybe buying a deserted tropical island wouldn’t be that much fun after all if we ever struck it rich, because as Tom pointed out, I wouldn’t have my cyber friends, including Maliheh.

So on with my birthday adventures. I slept till 11am and we left right before 1pm. As I said, it was a long drive with some unhappy memories, but if there was any good in it, it was knowing that they are just that – memories. It was a great feeling to leave the city behind on the way back and know that we didn’t have to return to some motel room or the scummy apartment complex I thought we’d end up in. Not even a “tooth house” as I call those damn houses that are just a few feet apart.

The crowds and traffic were plentiful and some of the lanes were so backed up it reminded me of Phoenix and L.A.

The only other negative was the restaurant’s “signature” screaming. Yeah, sure enough, just like every goddamn restaurant we go to, including when we were last at Red Lobster 3 years ago, we just had to get stuck with some little kid screaming in our ear. I don’t understand why they don’t just leave them at home and why they would want to take kids that young to restaurants. I swear they should have a section just for little kids!

Despite all the noise, the lobster was delicious! There’s not much to a ¼-lobster, but I still enjoyed every bite of it. The waitress helped me crack the claws open, the hardest part to crack, and took one of them back because it was undercooked. So that made us have to wait around even longer when I just wanted to get away from all the damn screaming. It was so nice when we finally did escape to these peaceful woods, reminded that we don’t have it so bad after all and how glad I am to never have had kids of my own.

Someone else there had a birthday today too, and a few of the waitresses sang them Happy Birthday. Tom said he’d tell our waitress it was my birthday too, but having Happy Birthday sung to me by strangers isn’t very exciting. It really only means something to me when it’s from someone special.

When we got back there was a message from my folks both wishing me a happy birthday. I called them back, thanked them for the GCs and got to laugh at them for waking up in the 40s tomorrow morning. I told them my face looked 50 and my body looked 30 and Dad said that averages out to 40, LOL.

Before Tom went to bed he said he wanted to take me birthday shopping sometime since I didn’t get anything today, but being with him, having good friends, and eating my favorite foods is getting more than enough. :)

I’m glad I got myself on days for today. At least I can do that much for a week or two. Around Christmas, I’ll start aiming it for New Year’s Eve so the shooting they do out here won’t wake me up.

Maliheh went to bed early after saying “Hey, birthday girl. I want to hear all about it tomorrow.” She must’ve had trouble sleeping, though, cuz she checked my blog a minute before I posted this birthday entry online.

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 3, 2010
Last night I woke up sweating around 3am. My comforters are too heavy but my fleece blanket is too light. I think I’ll try turning my heater off altogether before bed tonight.

Then I had a horrible dream I was charged with murder a few hours later. I seemed to be back down in Arizona and didn’t seem to know Tom either. I “ran into” my cousin Philip and we talked about getting an apartment together. I must’ve been desperate or something. Then I stepped outside a sliding door to spray the screen with bug spray in what seemed to be some sort of hotel. I loved the dry heat but hated being in Arizona with its crazy, discriminative laws. Then, as if to remind me of just how things are there, a bunch of cops drags me into this strange jail, telling me I’m being charged with the murder of this girl whose name I recognized from the book Mary and I wrote. It was an old neighbor she once had.

The jail seemed more like a hospital or a college dorm. The “inmates” were even allowed outside. But it was still a very horrible and depressing place. I had no support, no privacy, none of my belongings…nothing.

Then I ran into Mary herself of all people. I was surprised because I thought she was still in custody in Florida. I told her I’d been charged with her old friend’s murder and instantly I knew that somehow she was the one that killed her as she poured out a load of fake sympathy on me.

Deciding not to say anything just yet, I “ran into” my sister next, but she wasn’t an inmate. She could see I was upset and demanded to know what was wrong. “Ok, you’re going to find out soon enough anyway if it isn’t already all over the news,” I told her and proceeded to tell her of my charges. She fainted.

The dream ended with me reminding myself that I would be found guilty no matter what just for being a white Jew in Arizona and that I promised myself years ago that I would never let anyone victimize me ever again. I also reminded myself that I knew the shit would eventually hit the fan again in my life and that I would be better off dead. And so I knew it was time to look for a way to kill myself to escape a life of hell.

Boy, was I ever so glad to wake up from this one! So many times before in my life I’ve wished that I could wake up from whatever nightmare I was going through and see that it was just a nightmare after all. Well, I certainly got to do that last night, though I’d rather not have any, awake or asleep.

I’m not going to say whether I’m talking about a person or an object or something else, but sometimes I wonder why I get stuck wanting things I can never have. Does this happen to everyone? I’m not depressed or anything like that, but sometimes it gets frustrating when certain things are simply out of reach. Just totally impossible and not meant to be. Yet I seem to be in this situation at times throughout my life, like it or not, and regardless of the fact that it’s nothing I can control. Control it I would if I could. But the feelings of those involved are just as important as my own feelings, and so I just need to deal with it. It’s all I can do and it’s certainly nothing new. I’ve been through this before and I’m sure I’ll go through it again, and it won’t always be easy keeping my feelings to myself and suppressing the urge to say or do certain things, but sometimes we have to do what’s best and not what we want. The dreams I’ve kept secret don’t always tell the truth and if they have been, then I’m way off. Just way off.

Things change. Things always change. I bitch about this enough, don’t I? But some changes, believe it or not, are good ones. I just tend to focus on the annoying changes that my favorite websites often make. Yes, this is something I’ve definitely lived long enough to know. Not only do all good things come to an end, but nothing stays the same either. And so sooner or later something else will come up to divert my attention from this thing I cannot have (or at least the ways I cannot have it). It just may be something else I cannot have. sighs Some of us just can’t win.

And some of us just aren’t meant to succeed either. Yeah, my global poverty article shot to number 1 out of 62, but one of my articles was rejected for publication for $56 even though I had less than 30 competitors there. So you see? I’m free to succeed and climb to the top as long as there’s no money to be made. beats head

The only other shit going on was that I was in horrible pain throughout most of yesterday. Another tooth is acting up and it’s irritating my ear. I practically lived in a bottle of Aleve and it would make me so drowsy. So I was busy but not very productive yesterday because I had to keep lying down. Using mouthwash with antiseptic has helped my tooth a bit and today I’m a little better. If they don’t hire him on next month we’re just going to have to deal with my teeth on our own, even if it means swapping in old problems for new ones like usual. Yeah, I’m the one that gets punished for helping herself. :(

Oh, one more uncool thing – Jesse. He ran the bulldozer for a couple of hours yesterday, too. Nothing yet today, though, because it’s been foggy. We’re pretty sure he’s clearing brush and it smelled like he was burning some yesterday unless the smell was from his fireplace. He could also be gathering firewood. I just wish he wouldn’t spend so much time outdoors doing things, and of course tonight I’ll have to have the sound machines on to drown out the dogs because he’ll be in the city.

Got my perfume samples today and am enjoying trying them out and getting credit for leaving reviews on them.

Nane was cracking up yesterday because she wrote “lecker” on some beverage photo on her wall, a word I was unfamiliar with. She was laughing because I told her the first thing that came to mind was “licker,” though it really means “delicious.” So I learned another new word I had to look up.

Decided I didn’t want to be a blond anymore. I don’t like being 4-toned with dark brown roots, gray at the temples, dark blond up top and light brown on the bottom. If I go back to dark brown it’ll at least cover more evenly.

Not wanting any contact from any of my nieces tomorrow (having Tammy wish me a happy birthday on my wall or by email will be bad enough), I went to block them. Yeah, where I first wished I was an only child (and still do) now I wish I had no nieces. Lisa and Becky were easy to block, but since I couldn’t pull up Sarah’s profile, I’d say the little bitch beat me to it, LOL.

sighs Just as soon as my folks are gone I’ll dump ‘em all. The only reason I’m bothering with Tammy is that my folks will probably put her in charge of dispensing their will no matter what I say. The biggest thing is making sure she doesn’t get our physical address, but unlike the last time when we moved, there shouldn’t be anyone she can call (Miss Perfect) who will give her that info. If she could’ve sicced the pigs on me last year she would have. That’s how Tammy spites people that piss her off. But I escaped another round of legal abuse because she didn’t know where to send them.

Maliheh and I chatted last night and I guess we will tonight, too. I cannot believe I’ve become friends and chat every day with Maliheh B of all people! And even though all I am to her is just a friend. Yeah, I first figured that because she didn’t tell me to stop flirting with her, she just might like me too, but not saying so for some reason. But then I told her I would “take the hint” and curb the flirting and she didn’t tell me I didn’t have to do that either, so I guess that since she’s never responded to my flirting, that alone pretty much tells me something.

But why does she want to be my friend? I thought that on the off chance she might, I’d only hear from her once in a blue moon, not every day. Why are my feelings important to her all of a sudden? Maybe she has read more of my blog and story than I realize and likes me more than she’s even willing to admit. I just don’t know what’s what for sure where that girl’s concerned.

She was telling me that back when she was in high school her mother had neck pain which she eventually learned was due to a tooth infection. She too, has had tons of dental work done and figures she has about 5 or 6 grand more to go. Damn!

She still enjoys my articles, though I’m giving up on Helium again.

She and her students are also putting together a Christmas show.

She also said that the reasons she felt ripped off by the home organizer were that she asked her to buy her lunch, which she later regretted, and didn’t give her enough tips and advice.

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 2, 2010
I’m enjoying the peace and quiet until Jesse starts his usual racket which should be any minute now. Tom said that by the looks of the back of his pickup, it looks like he’s been hauling stuff away.

I dread the day he creates the little road he said he wanted to create in back so he can drive his truck down to the well. I still say it’s too steep, but if it’s not, I hope to hell that’s something he’ll decide not to bother with! Especially while we’re still here. That’d be so damn annoying, not to mention take quite a while to do.

My life would be damn near perfect if I just didn’t have this ear and teeth pain. It’s been bad again and I woke up in pain last night and this morning. And I still don’t understand why the pain starts in my ear and spreads to my lower jaw. I guess the pressure of the dead skin building up inside could cause the achiness to spread out. God, I totally regret the day they made this ear canal! Totally! But we’re back to putting baby oil in it, the fucking thing. :(

Other than Jesse’s noise, pain and being fat, life is great. Tom might have gotten a raise, Maliheh and I have been having great talks, the rat’s loads of fun even if he’s a bit more destructive than I’d like, my parents sent two $25 Red Lobster GCs for my birthday, Eileen sent a birthday/Chanukah card, and Tom will be picking up my perfume samples on the way home from work. Then, between shopping points and the points I’ll get for reviewing the samples, I’ll have about $18 in credit toward my next order. :)

Tom wonders if he got a raise because the 3 days he got paid for last week was $30 more than he expected. We didn’t think they gave raises to temps, though, so we’ll find out for sure next Wednesday when he gets paid again. If he did, that’s a hell of a raise. :) I just wish they’d hire him on!

We’ll probably be going to Red Lobster on my birthday, which my blog will decide is just one day away at 5pm. I don’t know why the blog times are off, but I definitely have it set to Pacific Time. We’re going to go between lunch and dinner in hopes of it being less crowded then, but with my shit luck, some unruly kid will be wailing its ass off while its mother sits there oblivious to it all as was the case the last time we were there 3 years ago. We’re going to go to the one in Citrus Heights rather than Sacramento because it’s closer.

I was surprised my Helium account balance jumped from 37¢ to $3.39! Still slave wages, but I might’ve gotten twice that or even more if I hadn’t stopped. Maybe I’ll go back to it again for a while. It’s just that everyone complains about getting 20 or 30 cents a month. Those articles for $56 still say they’re “in process.”

We didn’t get to it last night as it started getting late, but Maliheh says the home organizer person ripped her off. She said she’d tell me about it tonight.

She said that while she’d never want to be 20 again, 33 was her favorite age. She was in good shape and didn’t need to exercise to fit into her jeans. She complains about bloating and extra inches around the waist that seems to occur in just a day, though she’s still steadily around 100 pounds. How it is she managed not to gain weight with age like the rest of us is beyond me. She’s lucky. But I myself do remember having days where I felt bloated even between 90-100 pounds.

She also said it was a pain in the neck for her to be with someone tall and doesn’t care about the person’s weight as long as she’s not crushed by them and they’re not so fat that their health is at risk.

Had an X-rated dream I sent her. Instead of telling me not to send it she instead reminded me after I sent it that while she thinks I’m a good writer and doesn’t want to hurt my feelings, she doesn’t like to read, especially adult material, regardless of the source. Good friendships are based on honesty, she added, saying she didn’t want to lie to me and that my feelings were important to her, and she hoped it wouldn’t hinder our chats which she does so enjoy.

“Hinder” our chats? As in making me hesitant to throw in those quick but sometimes frequent enough flirty things I hit her with? Like how I wish I could crawl into bed next to her (when she’s saying good night).

This is the third time she’s used the word “friendship.” But it also seems strange that she’d bother with me if the feeling weren’t somewhat mutual. Even Alison agreed, who I asked in private for her opinion. Again, I’m getting mixed signals just like 20 years ago. It’s ok, though. She’s still worth it. :)

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 1, 2010
The last 24 hours or so have called for some annoyances both inside and outside. For starters, Jesse got on my nerves with the damn bulldozer around noon.

The jackassholes in back decided to show off, get a little attention and piss those off around them but going on a shooting spree around 4pm. It was so fucking loud that the windows rattled! This is one of the reasons I hesitate to get a place off the grid, along with the sonic booms that can occur there.

When I opened the bathroom window, I could hear shouts back there, but not what was being said. I wish they’d shoot each other!

I agree with Tom when he said he doesn’t think the dogs are there anymore. We haven’t seen them in ages and I think they lost them for sure what with how many complaints they got, especially when they let the pit bull loose so it could attack one of the goats up at the summit.

I just can’t believe no one calls the pigs when they get trigger-happy, and if they do, why do they keep doing it every so often? Do they think it’ll become legal in this area and not at all annoying or something?

Then the dogs went off for a half-hour or so at 6pm.

At 9pm, after having a lovely chat with Maliheh, I was so tired that I was sure I could go to sleep. After all, I’d been up long enough. But no. Instead I tossed and turned like a sheet in a dryer till 1am after I’d been up 19 hours. So I didn’t get up till around 9am, but at least I’ll be up later, and since it’s not Friday night, all should be peaceful.

Maliheh told me she grew up between San Diego and Hawaii, then she spent 8 years in the Midwest, 8 more in California, 8 in New England, and has been in the South since ’95. Her dad was in the Navy, too. By the time my folks started having kids a few years after they were married and he was diagnosed with heart problems, he was done with the Navy himself. I could’ve sworn Mom said he was stationed in NC right after they were married.

She doesn’t know where she’d go if she won a million bucks (I’d want to buy a tropical island), and says there’s a tornado watch for her area but wasn’t worried since she’s sort of in a valley.

She believes in spells too, saying she wrote her wishes on two separate pieces of paper back when she was unhappy. One she burned, the other she kept in a dark place (a wooden box). She said it took a couple of years but that she got almost everything she wanted.

She thinks her wifi is acting up and so she’s going to call them out Monday, the day she starts her two-week vacation, and we can talk diet and exercise later, something she can moan and bitch about like crazy.

Why? She stayed thin all these years.

Today’s annoyances consist of me still feeling tired and PMSing, and Jesse started up with the bullshitter right after I got up. The only difference is that this time it seems to be coming from the back of his place. It’s still annoying enough to have a landlord who’s the nervous, fidgety type that just can’t sit still for more than a week. Or maybe he’s so lonely that he feels he’s gotta do this to get attention. It’s supposed to rain in a few days so that’ll shut him up if only for a while. Today’s actually pretty nice. I might even need to crack a window for a while.

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Last updated August 10, 2024