August 2007 in 2000s

FRIDAY, AUGUST 31, 2007
Jessie sent me this lovely poem upon reading about losing Tinkerbell. It’s sad but beautiful. It’s called Rainbow Bridge.

THURSDAY, AUGUST 30, 2007
My baby’s gone now. It sucks that we couldn’t bury her anywhere, but we’re glad she got to be a Calirat if only for a while. I’ve been balling my eyes out in spurts. I feel so guilty for “letting go,” yet I know I didn’t because I couldn’t. I miss her terribly yet am glad she has moved on because her life was over before it was over. She was almost totally immobile. She couldn’t do anything other than eat, drink and sleep which is no life for a rat, who very much like a cat or dog, loves to roam around loose. I’m just glad she didn’t suffer in the end like Blondie did with the lung problems he had before he died.

Tom, who’s sad too, believes her spirit will one day find its way in to live through any future rats we have which probably won’t be while we’re still in motels like Blondie found his way to live through Tinkerbell. It sure seemed that way anyway. Rats have their own individual personalities like people, but Tink was so much like him!

I’m trying not to think too much about her because I just cry my eyes out whenever I do. The sadness comes and goes. I’ll be doing something for a while, then she’ll pop into my mind and down comes the tears again. I’m trying not to cry right now and make a scene for the maintenance guy who will be here any minute to fix the clogged shower drain. I figured that just because we’re not the ones who have to put the time and money into fixing it, it doesn’t mean we still can’t get it fixed. I just wish he would hurry up too, so I can work out, though I suppose I could work out anytime.

Working out is having a surprisingly nice effect on my appearance as well as how I feel. Judging by how my clothes fit, I feel like I’m back in the 120s again. At the risk of sounding conceited, I really do have an ok body for my age, even if I could still afford to lose a million more pounds and inches.

You can really see the muscle best in my shoulders, abs and calves, which are ripped again from jogging. I’ve been working out an average of 20 minutes a day, which is all you really need to maintain things. I start with my strength training exercises, then jog the remaining time off for a cardiovascular workout. If I had the tea and the discipline to cut my calories some more, I’d be thin in no time. Exercising may not make you lose weight, but it sure helps and it sure helps keep off whatever you do lose. It just sucks that I’m forever stuck with craters since that’s more of an age thing than a weight thing, contrary to many people’s beliefs. It’s connected to the skin’s thinning with age. I started getting them at 26, and I was pretty skinny then. I want to ripple my abs some more, but at least my chest is high and my “crunch line” is back. That’s that little trench that runs from just under the center of the breastbone to the belly button. I could feel the difference when I got up. I slept in my undies and when I got up, I started the coffee brewing and sat down at the computer. That’s when I noticed that my lower gut didn’t spill out onto my thighs. It just barely brushed it, and I could pull it off completely by sucking it in.

Yesterday was Arizona-hot at 106º and today will only be a few degrees cooler. I guess if there’s any good to this motel life it’s not having electric bills to pay! The summers here will be more expensive than the winters.

The housekeeper’s next door now. I hope that means that whoever was in there last night, even though they were quiet, has checked out. They were 22 minutes late if they did, and I think they did since the housekeepers only do people’s rooms about once a week here.

I want my Tinkerbell back! The one who got into my plants and made a mess flinging dirt everywhere. The thought of knowing she’ll never chase and tackle her mommy again makes me so sad.

Later…

Yup, they definitely checked out next door. I could hear the housekeeper going through the drawers, something you shouldn’t be doing if the people haven’t checked out.

After 5 hours of waiting, I called down to make sure they hadn’t forgotten our clogged shower. Sure enough, the maintenance guy was sent to room 308 and not 338. So, what took 5 hours of waiting ended up taking just 2 minutes to fix. I was surprised. The guy never used any chemicals or anything, just a couple of giant wrench-like tools. Then I could finally listen to music, light my incense in this non-smoking room, and cry if I needed to upon remembering the little angel I miss so much. I want her back!

Someone just checked in with a bang next door. They sure do come in with a bang and out with a bang, too! I’m glad I wasn’t asleep when the housekeeper was over there. It sounded like the wrestling match from hell!

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 29, 2007
Another cool win. I got a lime green mesh beach bag, turquoise striped towel, fish-shaped towel clips, water aerobics barbells set, water-resistance runners, flotation belt, H2O+ body balm, water bottle, drink rimmers, and Almost Dead by Lisa Jackson which has an ARV $100. The towel and body balm are definitely something we could use, and the book not only came at the perfect time since I just finished a book, but it even seems like I’d actually like it! This is the first book I’ve ever won that’s my kind of book. The drink rimmers are nasty, and the aerobics thing isn’t anything I could use, but it would make for a good swap meet item.

It’s been quiet ever since yesterday afternoon. There’s no one next to us on either side, and that commotion I heard from next door yesterday morning was obviously them checking out. I hope the peace lasts!

The housekeeper will be here today.

The daily exercising I’ve been doing has been changing my shape a bit, strengthening me up, making me feel better, and making me look more toned. I wish I could discipline myself with calories as well as I can with exercise!

I was starting to stress out over our basic survival again yesterday, wondering if we’d have a place to stay in a few days, but was quickly relieved when Tom got in and told me that the $100 was freed up on the card, so we won’t have to sell anything this week.

Next week he’s only working 4 days, which sucks, and they aren’t working this Saturday either. We’re coming up to that time of year, unfortunately, where there’s one holiday after another, but all he needs is 8 hours of overtime per week to equal what he was making up in the Klam. Still, I feel like we’re being threatened with our security every few days or so and it really pisses me off!

Later…

The housekeeper came and went. This one was Indian rather than Thai and she did a much better job. She said she’s actually from Fiji and that it’s beautiful there; not too hot, not too cold.

For the second time since being here, I had the runs, and again it was right after a bowl of cereal. But the milk isn’t outdated yet and it smells okay.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 28, 2007
The beauty basket will be here in a few days, so that’s good. What’s not is that God’s still teasing us with life’s necessities and no doubt enjoying every minute of the rage and degradation it brings to at least me. Tom’s more of a roll-with-the-punches kind of guy, but not me. I’ve rolled with them enough. Now He’s made sure that the $100 that was locked on our card is still tied up when He knows damn good and well that we’re only paid up until tomorrow. So now poor Tom, as exhausted as he is, has to scramble around after work in hopes of selling the gunsight and getting a decent amount for it. We’ll also have to hope we can sell other stuff too, so we can survive till Friday.

He only got to work an hour of overtime yesterday, but today they’re having him work in a different area so hopefully that’ll be a good thing. If he gets hired on it’s probably not going to be till he’s been there for 30 days, in which case he has another two weeks to go.

Today and yesterday have been pretty door-slammy, and it gets old. It really does. And I’m sick of living in one room! Tom woke me up when he got up and I started to think, let’s just settle for an apartment. Life’s about settling and God’s only gonna make us settle, so since we can’t live in peace anyway, why not?

But then I really wouldn’t sleep, much less get any peace while I was awake.

This is still a motel and so it’d be in my best interest to sleep at night as long as I can, so I’m going to let him continue to be my alarm clock, not that I have much choice, and try not to go back to sleep once his movements wake me up.

Fortunately, there’s no one to our left, but I could do without the people who recently came in on our right because they come and go so much. I don’t hear them when they’re in the room, but it’s not even 11:00 yet and they’ve already come and gone 3 times so far today.

MONDAY, AUGUST 27, 2007
The weekend was surprisingly quiet. I don’t think we had anyone on either side of us, though someone came in last night on at least one side. Tom said they were only noisy as they were coming in. I thought I heard a door or two after I crashed, and I did hear movement this morning for a while, but other than that and this dog that barks every now and then from somewhere around here, I haven’t heard much else. Just occasional car stereos and alarms. In some ways, the place is quieter than the dump of a house was. I still can’t wait to get into a place here! I miss my stuff and having more than one room!

Most apartments and motels would drive me crazy with their constant slew of projects, but this place hasn’t done anything more than the usual cleaning and landscaping so far. They keep the place immaculate.

Because Tom didn’t plan very well, no doubt with some help from above, he couldn’t work Saturday because he needed to square away this room for another week that day, and we had other errands to run. It turned out to be kind of fun despite our situation. We did the laundry, browsed through stores, and stopped at the storage place. We pulled the other guitar and the diamond for sale. The question is where to sell them. He owes me a new office chair, so he says, because he had to use mine as a dolly and it got beat up. Yeah, I’m sure many other things did, too. It happens every goddamn time we move.

I still haven’t gotten the reply I was promised upon receiving my forms for the beauty basket, and I’m starting to wonder if I’ll ever get it. They couldn’t not have gotten the faxes and the mailed forms, so what’s taking so long to put the stuff in the mail and send it to me? I’m sick of having to do the work to get my own wins! Since when is that supposed to be the winner’s job?

FRIDAY, AUGUST 24, 2007
Just when I was dumb enough to think we might be okay after all, we get our Unemployment claim denied. Thanks, God. We really need this shit at our age. Meanwhile, I’m sure Dureen O will be worth another quarter million as I write this. They said it was because he never asked for a leave of absence. Now, why the hell would he do that when he knew he was moving to another state?! Now we gotta begin the long drawn-out process of appealing just to no doubt lose. I can’t believe God would have us denied if he knew there were big bucks for us in the end. We know that money’s rightfully ours and that we have an airtight case, but God will make sure that we still lose in spite of it all, won’t you, you fucking bastard! Someone like Mary might say I should just be glad God made sure Tom didn’t get the job any later than he did, but that’d be like telling a rape victim to just be glad she only got raped once and not twice. Isn’t once bad enough? Although it’s true that we’d be dead if he’d been a week later in getting the job since we agreed we wouldn’t let God toss us to the streets, I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised. That’s cuz the bastard knows that if he drove us to kill ourselves, He wouldn’t be able to curse us anymore in this life!

My first thought was, fine, we’ll go to an apartment and just get it over with and deal with the shit there since that’s our only choice now. I’m not allowed to live where I want to anyway. But then I put my foot down and said, no fucking way! Enough is enough with living where I don’t want to! It’s either my way or no way. I’m sick of God or others dictating where I live, what I do, where I go, etc. It’s either a house or death. And Tom agrees with me that we’re not going to an apartment. He’s going with me either way, and the only two possible places are a house or death. He’s sick of settling too, and the unfairness God allows us to have to deal with. We may now have enough to survive on, but still, here we are working just as hard as anyone else, and we’re living like bums in a motel while my rat’s tumor continues to grow to nearly half her size! This is a quieter motel than most, but it’s a motel nonetheless. On top of that, I still don’t have the benefits that are rightfully mine, and he doesn’t have the money he’s entitled to either. I’m sick of seeing people get rich for doing nothing more than just breathing while we struggle for the basics we should have anyway. I’ve settled enough! Funny farms, jails, projects, rocking apartment complexes, rocking houses, no more! So we agreed to do whatever it takes to get a house, and if God still wants us to live so He can have people shit on us, then He better not stand in our way! I’m sure He’ll make sure it’s a noisy house, but if that’s the best we can do, fine. At least it’ll be a house and while it may include barking, screaming, door slamming and car stereos, the TVs, house stereos, footsteps, cabinets and house doors will at least be eliminated. The question still remains as to just how much work that’ll take and how long.

After we lose the appeal and God gets another laugh at our expense, the whole state of Oregon can go to hell! Really, I hope all those mountains erupt and toss all those Unemployment jerks right into the Pacific, limb by broken limb! They’re gonna be under the influence for a while…of me!

Speaking of influencing, I’m trying hard not to be emotional as hard as it can be under the circumstances, cuz I know that this is when the influencing can turn on me and make things worse for us. This is how God takes advantage of me, and I know I’m really vulnerable right now. Tom sees it as a psychic ability, but I see it more as a curse cuz I haven’t won a million bucks yet. Not even 20 grand.

It hasn’t rained since we’ve been here, which will be one month as of tomorrow.

The only slight ray of hope, which is probably just a tease from above, is that the boss lady asked Tom for his resume. If he gets hired on, there’s the potential, or so there at least appears to be, for big bucks, if not close to it. But all these opportunities don’t exactly do us any good if they’re not going to come through for us when we really need them the most. Hopefully, we’ll know more soon after the boss goes over his resume. Then Tom can do the math this weekend and get an estimate as to how long it’d take to get into a house. There are some things worth settling for in life and some that aren’t, and so unless you dig noise and are a heavy sleeper, western apartments are nothing to settle for! I’d rather stay here longer to get what we want than to quickly jump into an apartment as much as we miss our stuff.

If I weren’t so fat I’d never be able to sleep on these sucky mattresses. They’re hard as hell.

I forgot to mention getting a letter from Mary with funny Barbie pictures. There was transgender Barbie, exotic dancer Barbie and gangsta bitch Barbie.

We got a kick out of how she said, “I agree with Tom about your influencing ability. It’s cool of Tom to understand you as he does. I envy your relationship. Too bad he’s not a woman who preferably looks like Kate Jackson.”

We were cracking up over that last line!

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 22, 2007
God’s little bum and favorite whipping boy – or lady, in my case – signing in in a foul mood. Yeah, just when we think we may have it made He deals us yet another humiliating blow and allows yet another hurdle to be cast in front of us. No, we’re not looking at being homeless, in which we agreed to kill ourselves before we allowed this ultimate degradation in our lives, but we may not eat much or even have enough gas for the damn truck until Friday when he gets paid, thanks to the Unemployment people and thanks to God, who no doubt had a helping hand in making sure they fucked with us. I still think God will have them pay up so we can’t get the big bucks in the end, but we need the money now. Instead, I’m sure it will come Friday, along with his paycheck, the $100 that was locked on our card, and who knows what else? We know damn well that it’s when we have money that we get it, not when we need it most.

Because our wonderful God cares about us so much and looks out for us, Tom won’t be able to work Saturday because he’ll be too busy having to cash checks and either pay for us to stay here another week, or find another motel like this elsewhere that may be even further from his job, and we’re already too far away as it is.

Thanks, God, we really need this shit in our lives and at our ages. Thanks for allowing us to be broke for the millionth time at our ages and with how hard we work. Meanwhile, what’s my mother worth these days? One million? Two million? More? How much more fucking money are you showering upon her as I write this?

I appreciate His not throwing us on the streets and forcing me to kill myself to get out of it, though He probably didn’t want to drive me to suicide just so he could curse me with shit like this even more, not that we need it either! We don’t need it, we don’t deserve it, and I’m sick of the never-ending cycle of poverty, noise and other bullshit! Damn Him for allowing it to happen over and over again! What comes next? The inevitable rocking apartment? Why not? We’re not allowed to live where we want to anyway.

We’re never going to be allowed to settle down anywhere in peace without one problem after another. The only reason we had an easier life in the Oregon house was that the house and climate sucked. We can never have our cake and eat it too.

MONDAY, AUGUST 20, 2007
Tom worked an hour and a half overtime. He said he’s not sure, but he thinks that in California they have to pay you for overtime each day that you work over 8 hours. That’d be awesome! He also thinks that as he learns the system, he’ll be the fastest worker and will catch them up on the overtime, but hopes that by then we’ll have enough saved to get into a place. I just hope that if it has to be on someone else’s yard or driveway it’s at least not attached to anyone else’s place!

Today was quieter. Just the usual scattering of doors, bumps and bangs, but no music or TVs. I was surprised to sleep uninterrupted as I did from 10:30 - 5:00 when he got in, then I dozed on and off till after 7:00.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 19, 2007
Again I dreamt we were in a house. It was a dump. The back door didn’t even have a lock. By law, they can’t rent houses without locks, so maybe it’s just symbolizing that yes, we may be able to get a house, but it’ll have to be another dump. I’d take a dumpy house over a dazzling apartment any day. Even though I was only in the kitchen in this dream, a Western apartment wouldn’t have a back door, so I knew it was a house.

The poster spirit, whom I’ve dubbed “Susie,” says we’ll be going to a house, so this will be her ultimate test to see if she’s for real or not.

When Tom explained just how much money we could sue for if they don’t send that Unemployment check next week, I came to believe right along with him that yes, they’ll send it. I’m sure God would rather us be able to get into a house than pocket about 6 grand, plus maybe even get my benefits reinstated, too. Besides, it’s not like the house would be any more peaceful than the Oregon dump was, just hopefully not as wild as an apartment or a duplex. The check will be for about a grand. If I’m right in assuming we’d need about $1600 to get into a house, then that’s just an extra hundred we’d need as opposed to an apartment.

I asked Tom if he thought I was keeping Tinkerbell alive and he said yes. The tumor’s now bigger than her head and she can barely get around. She never comes out anymore unless I take her out. But the good thing is that she doesn’t appear to be in any pain, and she still eats well which is her favorite thing to do. But despite her lack of pain and my love for her, should I let her go? Can I let her go? I know I don’t want to!

Later…

Today I got woken up 3 times, though not by Tom. He was fine, it was all the rude, attention-getters around us. Yeah, the place was anything but quiet today. It was very apartment-like. First I woke up because someone had to blast their music, then twice I woke up to door slamming, though I did sleep well otherwise. I got up at 7:00, and the housekeeper will be here around 9:00 the day after tomorrow.

Tom said the music went on for two hours and was coming from perhaps a few doors down. He also said people were slamming doors everywhere, and next door was blasting their TV, I guess to drown it out. We’ve got someone on the other side of us now too, who checked in yesterday. Being in the West, of course, no one would complain about it any more than they’d ever complain about the car stereos, barking dogs or screaming kids. Tom said he considered calling but didn’t want to disturb me. I was already disturbed, I told him, so anytime he wants to call about whatever, he can just do so.

Why can’t they just shut up??? Why do they all have to make such a show of themselves everywhere we go? Everyone wants to shine, to stand out, to be heard, noticed, recognized and acknowledged, and to hell with who gets put out along the way. They just gotta take center stage no matter what! People are a problem everywhere and today was just another reminder of how important it is to try to grab the wheel of the driver’s seat of our lives and get as far away from them as possible. I wouldn’t want an apartment these days even if I was a sound sleeper who could always sleep at night. Sleeping is only half the problem. The other half is trying to live and function in peace while I’m awake. The stereos are too loud to deal with apartments these days, let alone the stomping and door slamming. When I was last in apartments you could only hear blasting stereos in apartments you were connected to, not those a few doors down!

Someone’s also got a dog here that barks every so often. It’s not nearly as often or as loud as the canal dog was, but it’s audible.

I hope that since we’re coming up to the weekdays again people will quiet down. I also hope we have a better idea this week of how much longer we’ll be here. This place is still quieter than any apartment could ever be so I’d still rather hold out longer for a house than leave here quicker for an apartment. Even if the apartment had a 3-month lease, that’s plenty of time to drive me either completely insane or to beat the snot out of someone. And if that someone happens to be black or Hispanic, they’re going to insist I did it because of that and not because they were rude assholes. And who do you think would be believed?

I wish those adjacent and underneath us would check out, but that’s just the thing. This isn’t an ordinary motel. Not everyone stays here for just a night or two. Besides, if they left, someone else would check right in.

Jessie thanked me for the latest link I sent, saying that with the expenses she has, bringing Bella to Disneyland is getting harder to accomplish. Yeah, that’s why I haven’t wanted kids for so long. It’s hard enough to accomplish things for just Tom and me. So Bella’s her daughter’s name? That was my nicer grandmother’s name. It means beautiful in Italian. I wouldn’t have guessed she would give her such a boring name. I pictured her naming her something like Ashley, Meagan or Brittney.

She still doesn’t know if she’s moving yet. She should just be glad she’s in a house!

I decided to mail in the beauty basket forms by regular mail since these fax machines can’t be trusted and since they charge too much. The bigger the win, the harder it is to get them to me, so it seems, and the more they cost. But sending the forms by regular mail will not only up the chances of their delivery, but it’ll also be the cost of a stamp instead of $6.

The gunsight is going to be delivered tomorrow, so hopefully we can turn that worthless win into some cash, even if it’s only a fraction of what it’s worth. I compiled a list of half a dozen gun shops for Tom to take it to in Sacramento, Elk Grove and Rancho Cordova. It’s worth about $250, so we’ll probably get $50 for it. UPS called with an automated message saying it’d be delivered tomorrow and needs to be signed for. That’s the good of having the mail place. Sure I miss having stuff delivered right to me when I’m awake, but when I’m not awake it’s nice to know someone will sign for things, even though Tom has to pick them up.

I’ve been backing up my documents in Yahoo’s Notepad. It’s a very time-consuming task because you can only put about 10 pages of text in each file. I’m going to end up with over 500 files that way, but at least there doesn’t seem to be a file limit, which makes no sense. If you’re going to allow someone that many files, why not let them put more in them?

Someone just slammed their door twice really hard. Now that’s not someone trying to draw attention to themselves? Yeah, right!

At least I’m back to kicking ass on Netwinner!

FRIDAY, AUGUST 17, 2007
I forgot to mention earlier that they’ve asked him if he’d work Saturdays, which is good. We’d love the extra money, but I worry he won’t have much time for other things.

It’s the selling of stuff at our ages that really bothers me. We want to sell the guitar, yes, but we should only be doing it because we want to and not because we have to. There’s just no escaping the past. It always comes back to haunt us. To be reduced to needing to do this all over again is insulting, infuriating and humiliating! I should ask God what I asked the Queen the last time around – what do we do when we run out of stuff to sell? Sell our souls? For now, I guess all I can do is keep on visualizing good things.

Later…

I feel a little better today. Especially since we won’t be homeless before the 25th. Tom sold the guitar and so now we’ll be here till then. I don’t know if we’ll be in this room, but I hope so. Despite there being just one bed, the AC having a broken auto setting, the microwave having a broken carousel and a few noisy moments, this place is still amazingly quiet.

I heard them leave next door at 8:00 this morning and return at 10:00 tonight. They slammed, banged and threw shit around as if they were in a race to see how fast they could unpack or do whatever it was they were doing, then it went quiet after 10 minutes. There were a few stereos in the parking lot too, and according to Tom, someone blared music a few doors down, but we couldn’t hear it in here. This place is so quiet, though, overall that my schedule’s starting to flip. I slept pretty well from 9:00-5:00.

Anyway, I don’t know if we’ll be able to stay in this room or if we’ll have to move. If we have to move, I hope the room will be as quiet as this one! If not, we’ll have to have the housekeeper here this weekend, so I expect my schedule to be disrupted soon either way.

Work is still going well and Tom worked in a different area today. He said people were surprised he’s working tomorrow since he hasn’t been there a week yet, though technically, he isn’t working overtime since he didn’t work Monday. Let’s hope he dazzles his way to a sufficient raise real soon!

Next Friday he’ll get a check for about $300 from work, and I’m still waiting on that $100 Walmart card Netwinner owes me. And of course there’s whatever deposit money we may get back from the Oregon dump, and a $50 rebate from Best Western. Oh, and there’s also $100 that got locked that we’ll have access to next Friday.

The beauty basket lady, Dana, said she never received the forms we faxed so we’ll fax them again.

THURSDAY, AUGUST 16, 2007
I’m kind of bummed out right now for obvious reasons. There’s been a mix of good and bad, you could say. First of all, it turns out that yes, there are people next door who I saw wheeling in a shopping cart of all things, and they were a little bangy for a few hours, but this place has still been way quieter than any other motel or apartment could ever be. I still don’t think there’s anyone on the other side of us, but the closer it gets to the weekend, the more I expect it’ll fill up. At least you don’t feel other people’s footsteps as if they were just inches away!

I got my incense from the Stickman. He was nice enough to give me a few Cotton Candy sticks, as well as sandalwood cones, on top of the Angel, Fast Cash and Hugo Boss sticks I won. I don’t like this Sandalwood, though.

I finally got caught up on the sweeps dating back to the 7th. The connection got more reliable than usual last night, so I swept all the while he slept. My ass was so sore from sitting on it for so many hours, but it was worth it. It’s been boring not being able to sweep and too wound up to work on stories.

I’m wondering if I’ll ever get that beauty basket. If there were any problems with the forms I faxed and that lady emailed me, I wouldn’t know it because it would’ve gone to the Hotmail account I could never get back into. I looked on the forms but couldn’t find her email address.

Later…

I found the person’s email address online and sent her a message asking if the prize was on its way. I also blasted Hotmail for ignoring us about why I still can’t get into my account.

The plan was for me to get some charcoal this weekend, seal up the bathroom with duct tape, and just let the carbon monoxide carry me away from this cruel, unfair world. Away from knowing we’ll probably struggle financially most of our lives, never get to live in a peaceful place, never get the disability benefits I qualify for and have a right to, etc. As it is, we may not even get the damn Unemployment we’re also entitled to! It’s his money that he worked for yet when he called today he got, “I don’t understand why you quit before getting another job,” and as he had to explain to them yet again, no one would hire him in California while he was still up in Oregon. I wasn’t kidding when I said Oregon was one fucked up state, and this is just one of many reasons! But Mr. Hopeful here thinks he can still get what’s his, and asked that while he’ll still support me if I want to go, he wants me to consider holding off another week to help him get through the next week by being there for him, saying that if we can get through the next week, we’ll have it made. Have it made in that we probably won’t end up on the streets at that point. Not as long as we sell the expensive guitar for the measly $250 they said they’d pay for it today when Tom stopped in to ask about it. We don’t want the thing and it didn’t cost anything since I won it, but $250 kinda sucks since it’s worth about a grand. Still, some money’s better than none.

Sure it would be great if we could stay off the streets and not lose our stuff that’s in storage, but not knowing if life will get better anytime soon isn’t very encouraging. I was freaking out thinking we’d need a grand or two to get into a place, but he said we could get into an apartment, even though it’s not what we want, for about $500, and in about a month since most complexes have move-in specials where you only pay the deposit, unlike houses. Of course we could get into what we don’t want. That’s always easy and that’s the problem! Why is a modest house with just a little bit of extra money left over after the expenses are paid, and the right to not have to hear other people’s music and dogs so damn much to ask for??? Instead, the best we might be able to do anytime soon is get into an apartment and listen to all the banging, the hours and hours of TVs and stereos blaring, etc. I think I’d rather stay here, though I miss my stuff and having more than one room to live in.

I was surprised when Tom explained to me how California was different than the rest of the country. He’s lived here before and having grown up right next door he knows more about it than I do. I’m glad one of the things that are better is that it doesn’t take a fortune to get into a place. I’m also glad they don’t favor any particular races, religions or sexual orientations. The religious fanatics are definitely the favorites of Oregon, while blacks and Mexicans are the stars of Arizona.

Tom said I misunderstood him about my being clairvoyant and so he cleared me up on that. He said he always knew I was clairvoyant as well as an influencer, but that the two are intertwined from what he can see. He says I may sense things about the future, but that because I tend to latch onto the negatives I see, that’s what can influence them to actually happen. Maybe so, but it’s awfully hard to see anything good to latch onto while we’re broke, living in motels, and driving a piece of shit. If there is any good, it’s that at least we’re in California, even though my dreams of living here never included poverty, motels, apartments and stuff like that.

In other good news, they’re really impressed with Tom’s computer skills, so unless whatever’s up there is just teasing him with false hope, it looks more and more promising for advancement. He hopes to get hired on by Comtek itself if a better-paying job doesn’t come his way. Right now, though, he’s considered a Volt employee which is the temp agency that placed him at Comtek. Speaking of temp agencies, another one called today. When he has time, probably on his lunch break tomorrow, he’ll see what they have to offer. I don’t see it happening if I’m right about something up there wanting to hold us back at least for a while, but if he gets an offer for a better-paying job, he’ll want to check it out.

He thinks I influenced him to get a job so fast, but I think that one can be credited to the internet.

He says that the more things didn’t work out in Oregon, the more he believes I’m right about what I said when we broke down in Merced on the way up there, about this being where we’re meant to be. That’s what I always thought too, but right now there’s so much uncertainty in our lives to be sure of anything. When we broke down and his brother came up from Madera just so we could get a lousy $16 part, Tom had said, “I think something’s testing us to see how bad we want to get to Oregon.”

In response to this, I muttered, “Or trying to tell us to stay out of there.”

Losing a bare 2-acre parcel in Oregon didn’t hurt as much as losing a 10-acre lot with a brand new 2000-square-foot home in Arizona, but see why these things make me think we’ll never find our place on this earth?

I think Tom may have a point about not focusing on the negs so as not to make them happen, so to speak. It’s hard at times, but in a way, he understands my abilities better than I do. See, the night before he started his new job I did some visualizing spells. I would “see” good things happening. I’d see them being way impressed, wanting to up his pay and make him one of the managers and things like that. Then ironically enough, they were drooling over his knowledge in just a few days of work, telling him things like not to worry if he’s a few minutes late.

It’s a two-way street, so it seems. The more I concentrate on how pissed I am at certain family members of ours for using and abusing us before abandoning us altogether, the more likely they are to get sick.

The Stickman said no one’s ever won the incense I love so much more than once. I’ve won 3 times.

So I’ll try to see good things and hopefully, that will help influence us into a better situation. Unless I see something bad that could harm us, like a potential accident.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 14, 2007
Tom’s asleep now on the recliner. He was drooling on the room’s one bed earlier. I’m sick of all these one-bedded rooms! But with fewer families and more couples and singles, one bed is the norm now. It’s getting harder and harder to find a room with two beds each year.

Ever since we left Oregon I’ve been lucky to climb a couple of hundred points on Netwinner, let alone a couple thousand. Again I have to wonder, was it something about that house? Something about playing from motels? Or is it the way my life is now that’s influencing it? Well, I certainly don’t miss Oregon or the house, but I sure miss having a life! I miss having a routine. I miss sweeping, my stereo, my dolls, my own bed, sleeping alone, etc. I hate this one-room deal and not having much privacy or space. Now that he’s working, though, it shouldn’t be as big a deal.

This place has been unbelievably quiet. Quieter than the Oregon house was. I can’t believe that we can get so much peace in such a big building! It’s almost like motels in the 70s again. There are only 3 floors, but each side has 22 rooms per floor. I think there’s someone under us, but that’s it. It’s definitely way too quiet for anyone to be on either side of us. People need to stomp and slam doors these days, so I’m sure I’d know it if someone were there. In the other motels, I needed both the sound machine and earplugs to get any peace, but here I could sleep with just the sound machine if I were going to sleep when he was leaving for work.

The good news is that the work is simple. He just inputs incoming parts into the computer and stuff like that. He says he thinks they’ll keep him and that he sees plenty of opportunity for overtime and advancement, and while his area only does days, there are other areas with other shifts. They’re not allowed to do overtime the first week, but hopefully he’ll get to do it after that.

It sure was stressful, not knowing if the truck would get him there, or if they’d screwed up and weren’t expecting him, or if they’d let him go. To have to start hunting for another job at this time would be devastating because we’d be on the streets for damn sure before he got re-hired elsewhere, though as I told God, He can lead us to the streets, but He cannot make me live on them! It’s still a scary thought, though, considering that out of the dozens of applications he’s submitted, only one responded.

The question is, how many months of living in motels do we have ahead of us if we don’t get tossed on the streets and forced to die? At least I would be forced to die. I’d want to die in that case! I’d still like to think nothing up there could hate us that much. As it is we’re back to being His little underdogs with enough problems. We can’t have anything reliable to drive, I can’t work too, and we don’t have a place to live. Isn’t that bad enough?!

MONDAY, AUGUST 13, 2007
Extended Stay Hotel…

We came to an Extended Stay motel on the northern edge of Sacramento yesterday (they refer to this area as Northgate), and it’s been way quiet up here on the third floor with just a few scattered bumps and bangs and pipes popping. This is a tiny suite that’s equipped with a mini kitchen and they only do housekeeping once a week, so there’s no being pestered by housekeepers and nobody pacing overhead for hours at a time either. It’s only $40, which beats the $70 that Best Western was charging, but if things don’t go well with the new job or Unemployment, we may have to get into a scummy place that charges $28 and hope it doesn’t take too long to resave the money we’d need to get into a place. So did God do us a favor by denying our request for the Citrus Heights apartment? As of yet, I can’t see how He did. Not unless He was saving us from another one of those extremes He otherwise loves to sic on us.

Before coming here we drove to his place of work so he wouldn’t get lost tomorrow and end up late. It’s in a flat, remote area that looks like it could be Arizona. It’s actually a manufacturing company of some kind that repairs computer hardware. Tomorrow will be his first day there, and in a sense, Judgment Day for us both. If a raise and or overtime doesn’t look promising at this job, and if the Unemployment people keep playing with us, we may still be heading for the streets, but like I said, I won’t be reduced to that. Tom can do what he wants, but I’ll gladly kill myself first!

After we found Comtek, but before we checked into the motel, we went to the IHOP which they didn’t have up in Oregon. It was good but shitty cuz it was packed. A zillion off-brands, too. I wish they were a rare sighting! Not just for obvious reasons, but because then seeing them would be more special, more interesting. But when every other person is black or Hispanic, it brings nothing new but the usual problems.

With the net being so slow and so unreliable, there hasn’t been much to do. Tom’s had his share of work, though. Today he did laundry and got a new alternator for the truck which took an hour to replace. So we’ll see what it’ll need next in a few days and how much that’ll cost. The piece of shit is going to eat our money along with the damn motels! But we’re probably years away from ever owning anything reliable.

I just hope our chances of survival will be looking better tomorrow than they do now! We’ll know soon enough, though.

FRIDAY, AUGUST 10, 2007
I fell asleep earlier than expected last night so I’m still caught up on my sleep. Wow, I didn’t think I’d get to sleep two days in a row for ages!

I was psyched when Tom came in a few hours later and told me he’d been hired by that temp agency. Despite its pros and cons, it seems promising, but of course, so did his last job. They’re sending him to a place called Comtek. I guess they make electronic-related things, but he doesn’t know for sure or even if it’ll be in a warehouse or a manufacturing company. The other good thing is that it’s in Rocklin, our first choice for working/living cuz it has rural areas. Sac may be fine for shopping and things like that, but I don’t want to live there. That’s where the gangs and druggies are. It’s like comparing Springfield to Agawam, or Phoenix to Maricopa and K-Falls.

The bad news is that it’s only $10 and it’s on days, but I’m just so glad he’s hired somewhere! Even if it was for less than $9, we just wanted him to get something. Where he was getting frustrated, my excitement and stress were quickly turning into downright fear! We’re as dumb as we are brave, you could say, to just up and go with nothing more than a few grand. I started beating myself up for believing him when he said we’d be ok, and for not insisting we hold out till we had more like 10 grand saved. We’re still not quite out of the woods yet, though this is the first and biggest step. They gave him an anti-static smock, but he still has to get steel-toed boots, a new alternator for the heap of shit we drive, and then figure out where to go from here.

We can’t stay here cuz it’s too expensive. I don’t expect to find a house right away cuz they don’t usually advertise online like apartments. I guess the best we can hope for is either a super cheap motel (if there is such a thing here) or a 1-bedroom apartment with a 3-month lease. Then we could shop around for the right house in either Rocklin or Lincoln. All I know is that I hate motels and apartments! A tooth house would be heaven compared to that, though I’d still prefer to get a house with some breathing space around it.

There’s no guarantee that this will turn into a full-time job, but from what he’s said and from his qualifications, it looks like it very well could, and I’m sure he could advance quickly. He went from $7.30 an hour in Oregon to $13 in just over a year, and he’s pretty sure they’d advance him further and quicker in a place like that because they know they’re not paying him what his skills are worth to begin with. If he could get overtime, that’d be great, too. For now, we’re not going to be able to make decisions as far as where to go is concerned until we know more about the job.

We’re pretty much on a mission here. If we don’t end up on the streets, first we get him settled into a job. Then we go after the state for the grand or so of Unemployment he’s entitled to that they still haven’t given him, using my ear as his reasons for quitting his job in Oregon, which truly is one of the many reasons, then we go after the government for the benefits that are rightfully mine. That may only be a few hundred a month, but a few hundred is a few hundred. In between all this, we hope to find a smart dentist who will knock all these messed up teeth outa my mouth, and an ear specialist to clean this canal they never should’ve drilled! The temp agency itself has a plan that’ll cost the same for both of us as Tom had to pay for just himself up in Oregon. It’s nice to know, as much as I hate doctors and having to go back to playing appointments, that I’ll soon be insured again after nearly 4 years!

My lungs have been ok and my ear is better. I suppose it’ll take time to see what new problems I’ll develop here. After all, I didn’t get hit with those killer allergy attacks until about a year after moving to Phoenix, and my ear didn’t become a problem once again till we’d been in Oregon for 6 months.

The question as to whether or not God did us a favor in denying our request for the Citrus Heights apartment remains a mystery. Considering that he landed a job in Rocklin, yeah, it’s a favor. But if we end up stuck in apartments for several months, then no. All it’ll do is cost us more money and put us through more chaos and hassles between the motels, apartment and storage.

There are pros and cons to extending our motel time and going straight to a house versus going to an apartment first. The apartment would be cheaper and I wouldn’t have to dodge housekeepers and we could have our stuff, but it would also be noisier and more work for him since he’d have to move our stuff at least twice. But an apartment would also give us time to shop around without as much pressure. In a way, I wish we could pitch a tent and stay in that! But we wouldn’t have any place to shower or an AC.

Lincoln has a lot of Mexicans cuz of all the farms, but fortunately, the blacks didn’t even make the stats list cuz there are so few of them. At least one of us can speak Spanish with these housekeepers. Most of them don’t know English. I gave the extra brushes I didn’t want to the one that came today.

I updated Jessie on what she agreed must be stressful as well as exciting, and we went to Big Lots for some treats and soda. That’s an awesome store. They have all kinds of fun stuff with serious discounts. We grabbed a phone cord while we were there cuz this Wi-Fi bullshit is so unreliable. We’d rather have something slow than be knocked offline every other minute.

Tinkerbell is still alive, to my utter amazement. I wish the spells could be as good at destroying her tumor as they are at keeping her alive. I miss the old Tinkerbell who used to drive me crazy by getting into everything. The one who loved to explore and chase me around the house. The one who fell in the toilet, got caught in spider traps, ran off with my lip gloss, coupons and shopping lists. The one who climbed my pant leg, then up my shirt to perch on my shoulder and watch me do the dishes.

THURSDAY, AUGUST 9, 2007
I’m having one of those days where I’m caught up on my sleep, so I thought I’d do a little updating.

The last two days were a killer stress-wise. It was looking like we might run out of money before we could get a check from either the Unemployment people or a job, and this still may happen, in which case I would kill myself for sure by carbon monoxide. There’s no way I’d let God throw me on the streets, though whether or not Tom went with me would be his choice. However, it’s looking very promising as far as him getting a job in Rocklin at a shipping and receiving place. It’s a temp job, and I guess if they like you they hire you on full-time and give you a raise. He’s certainly qualified for this job, according to the description he read to me. The bad news is that it is day-shift and low-paying, but at least it’s a buck higher than I thought at $10 an hour. He thinks he could advance quickly. Let’s hope so, although all I care about at this point is not ending up on the streets and being forced to kill myself in a motel on a hard, cold, uncomfortable tile floor in the bathroom. An apartment may be just as noisy as a motel, but I’d rather die there with my own stuff, in my own bed, on my own terms, and without housekeepers. I just want him employed! So does he. The amazing thing is that Rocklin was his first choice as far as what town he wanted to work and live in because it has rural areas! That’d be a first – God letting us go where we want. But if we’re in an apartment, why wouldn’t He? I guess we could do what we did in Oregon and go from the motels to a rocking duplex where we could take our time to shop around for the right house. Only this time around we’d probably be going from the motels to an apartment instead, though shared walls are shared walls, period. By then I’ll be beyond sick of moving and beyond used to noise that I may say “fuck it,” and just stay put as much as I’d hate it. It’d be nice if I could do that. If I could make myself a heavy sleeper who didn’t mind the banging, the music, the horns and all the other shit, I’d really have it made! Especially since it’d only be a matter of time before circumstances put us right back there anyway. I know one thing for sure, though, and that’s that we aren’t changing states again until he’s retired! This time around is much scarier than last time. The last time was mostly depressing because that’s when I knew without a doubt that I’d never get to live where I wanted to. Better yet, I could live where I wanted to, but not in what I wanted to. So that sad reality slapping me in the face like it did had me really bummed out. But the last time he at least had a job before we had to play motel, and we were looking for a place in a town where the rents are half of what they are here. What makes this time around so much scarier is not having any income from either a job, Unemployment, or anything else.

Other than being exhausted most of the time and stressed out, and other than the person above us stomping around and throwing things on the floor every so often, neither of us miss that Oregon dump one bit. I don’t like how there are more people and traffic here, but I do like that we’re in the Cali sun! It still hasn’t hit me that I made it here. That I live here. I don’t think that’ll happen while my mind’s so preoccupied with day-to-day survival.

Overall, this place is rather comatose compared to the Motel 6, though I’m sick of us living in one room! I like space and privacy at times and being able to go into another room, other than a bathroom, and shut the door. I miss sleeping in my own bed/room too, but thanks to the earplugs, sleep mask and sound machine, we can sleep in the same room. Still, I miss being able to sleep with just the sound machine. I can ditch the mask, but I sure can’t ditch anything else in an apartment! There’ll be too many vibrations and loud sounds to sleep very well there. I doubt I’ll be able to go more than a few days at a time without any wake-up calls. Like I said, I’d just be thrilled for him to get a job and save us from the streets! We’ve agreed, like I also said, not to let it come to that (referring to killing myself) because there’s no way we could make it on the streets anyway. He might be able to since he can keep a schedule and deal with heat and cold, but I couldn’t because of my schedule. Not that I could get any sleep in a shelter anyway at night when they let you in. And where would I go in the daytime when they kick you out? Even if we could make it on the streets, I think we deserve much better than that. Especially at our age. I would never allow myself to be belittled like that by God. I may not be able to stop Him from picking out the noisiest people for us to have to live with, or from being dirt poor all over again, but I’ll be damned if I’ll be tossed onto the streets like yesterday’s garbage!

We walked to a thrift store earlier where I got a paperback book.

My thinning shears arrived today and I thinned my hair in the back, towards the nape of my neck.

I also got that brush set I won. Two of the brushes are useless to me because they’re round and they can get tangled in my hair easily. The housekeeper can have them. The set had a large regular brush, though, that’s great. It also came with a treatment spray.

I’ve been getting a surprising number of letters from Mary. As smart as she is, she can be naive and immature at times, especially where guys are concerned, though it’s kind of funny.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 7, 2007
Best Western…

We left the Motel 6 yesterday and I am so, so glad to be outa there! On a scale of 1-10, 10 being the worst, Tom said he’d give it a 9. I’m leaning more toward a 10. It was so NHA-like! Someone was obviously dealing drugs from there which would explain the round-the-clock activity. Even at 4 AM there was honking and shouting in the parking lot. That parking lot was worse than our old street because up there they just whizzed by doing their shit. In the parking lot, though, they’d sit there with the damn music, horns and whatnot blasting.

We’re now at the Best Western in Roseville. It’s way quieter here. Probably the quietest place so far, although since no one can walk normally, we do hear stomping upstairs from time to time. But being on the ground floor, I can’t hear or feel it much with the wax plug-in so long as I’m not leaning against the wall. If I lean against the headboard which is against the wall, then I can feel it. Whoever it is walks like they’re pissed as hell. Fortunately, though, they don’t do this too often. Just for a little while in the evenings. The door-slamming here is the quietest ever. I hear them close when I don’t have an earplug in, but not slam. This is about as good as it gets for not being before the 90s when you didn’t hear shit.

The room itself is much better too, and this one even has a coffeemaker.

I was too tired to do laundry with Tom yesterday in Carmichael before we came here at around noon. He went back out by himself to a scummy place while I took a nap for a couple of hours. Because I’m now relatively caught up on my sleep, I’ll only get 4 hours tomorrow. I seem to get just a few hours every other day. I just wish I could sleep from 11 PM - 7 AM every day of my life! That’d eliminate half the problem. Then all I’d have to deal with would be people’s inability to shut the fuck up.

It’s gorgeous out there now. If only we could enjoy it without the job/housing problems.

We just came back from a pizza place where a few animals were running around and screaming like the devil was after them, parents and friends completely deaf, dumb and blind to it all, and now we’re relaxing again. Tom probably won’t be up much longer, but I should be.

Yesterday I got two letters from Mary. When I first saw them I was like, “Come on! I’m homeless, I’m jobless, give me a break!” But she didn’t ask for anything. She just told me about a 24-year-old who had been in for a while with bleach-blond spiked hair that she had her first girl crush on and is wondering if she could be bisexual. She was so like a boy, she said, and she wonders if that’s her type. Regardless of her type, is she just now figuring out the fact that she’s bi? She may prefer men, but I’ve always known she wouldn’t think twice with the right woman. She said she never did anything with this girl because the girl was spoken for and very faithful. She also said she was afraid to fall in love cuz love equals pain.

I realized that now would be the ideal time to win incense, concentrated on that, and won. Now why can’t I do that with the big cash prizes??? It’s a good thing the Stickman contacted Tom with the PayPal form because I can’t get into my Hotmail account for some reason. Until we get a response back from them, we don’t know if it’s because someone stole my account, if they’re having problems, or if I screwed up somehow. It’s hard to believe I’d screw up after using the account for over two years now.

Another worthless, pain-in-the-ass win. Tom got a message saying I won a Lasergrip gun sight for the gun we don’t own. In just one week I’ve won about $600 worth of stuff. Why can’t it be in cash?! Tom’s going to call the company tomorrow. I guess we get to choose the one we want. We’ll either get one we can eventually get a gun to go with, or we’ll just try to sell it. It’s worth about $250. I sure would like to have a gun to kill myself with, since I couldn’t go to a prison and ask to borrow a lethal injection so I could just fall asleep and never wake up again. I’ve made up my mind that unless I miraculously hit it big or he lands a job with enough pay for a house, now would be a good time to die. I don’t know why I’m being punished. I only know that I am. So if I know I’m in for a lifetime of chaos, noise and financial troubles, why not go now? Before my eyes get worse. Before I have the hassles of dealing with my teeth. Before hopelessly fighting for the benefits that are rightfully mine. Before I get old and arthritic?

I just wanted to go in the Cali sun, not in a dump on a cold, snowy mountain. If we ended up with enough money for a house, then maybe I’d consider plugging along, so long as it wasn’t like Phoenix, but I’m just about 99.9% sure we’re going to end up in one of two places – on the streets or in an apartment. And an apartment wouldn’t be much more peaceful than motels either. It’d just be the same people making the ruckus, as opposed to mostly new people each day. Well, the only way to escape a curse is to kill myself. I can’t be cursed with never being allowed to live in peace and where I want if I’m dead. I don’t want to live a life of settling. If I can’t be in the driver’s seat of my life, then what’s the point? The more I live life feeling like a puppet on strings I can never grab hold of, the older it gets, and the less hopeful I get as far as seizing control over those strings.

I had considered death by starvation, figuring it’d be the easiest way to go, but I don’t want to start this in a motel and have to deal with housekeepers butting in along the way. It may be just as noisy in an apartment, but at least there I could die there without anyone interfering and in my own bed with my own stuff, assuming we don’t lose it and end up on the streets. Tom’s promised me that he’ll help me to go quickly if we do, and believe me I’m going to make him live up to this promise, too! The quickest way would be to seal myself up in a bathroom and die of carbon monoxide poisoning from charcoal.

He thinks he’ll be employed this week. I hope so, for his sake, because he’s not going to want to die either way. Still, I’m afraid our money will run out before he gets checks from either a job or the Unemployment people.

Sometimes I wonder if some of the pranks I used to pull that seemed so minor, really ended up having bigger consequences than I could ever have imagined and that that’s why I’m being punished, though I was cursed before I was even born when you consider who I was born to. Still, did I prank someone who was depressed or who had a weak heart? And if so, did my calls push them over the edge?

So many questions, but never any answers! All I know is that things are obviously never going to change, and when they do, it won’t be for long or without some kind of price attached to it.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 5, 2007
I was too exhausted to write yesterday thanks to all the rude assholes in this world and our lovely God above. I was pretty close to hurting someone over it, too! The night before last they wouldn’t shut up till 4 AM and after just 4 hours of sleep, a couple of cocks were out working on their car and decided to get a little attention while they were at it by playing with their alarm. Tom went down to the office and asked them to have the car moved, and they blew him off just like when we asked to change rooms. The second time the manager came out and by then I’d had it and went off on him. I was so furiously outraged because as far as I’m concerned management is just as bad as the guests for not having any kind of policy on these little attention-getters and their damn stereos and alarms.

I shouted, “We’ve been going through this shit now for nearly a week and I want our fucking money back!”

The manager, who’d just begun speaking to these other assholes then turned to me and shouted back, “Don’t talk to me like that!” He started towards the stairs at which Tom and I were at the top.

I then said, “Why don’t I just beat the shit out of you instead!”

The guy’s eyes widened and he came even closer to the base of the steps. That was dumb. I mean, I was beyond furious! If it hadn’t been for Tom convincing me I didn’t need to bother (since he never threatened or harmed us) the cock wouldn’t have made it all the way to the top of the stairs if he’d been dumb enough to try to, and I think he would’ve. That’s the funny thing about cocks. They think they can beat anything female, but I would bet just about anything that between the fact that I probably had 20 pounds on the guy and the fury boiling through me, I could’ve broken him in half in no time. That was incredibly bold and stupid of him to approach the base of the steps as it was with me being as furious as I was. Hell, I wouldn’t go near someone that pissed, and I hate to turn the other cheek and send the wrong message, but you know how males are. They never back down from a challenge or dare. But in the end, the guy didn’t have to go to the hospital and I didn’t have to go to jail, not that it would’ve been much wilder than this place. Every few minutes there’s something going on, be it doors slamming, feet stomping, people shouting, alarms, horns, stereos, you name it.

Anyway, the manager called the cops on the alarm players because they reacted the way people like that usually do when asked to quiet down – defiant and rebellious. As soon as the manager asked them to move, they started blaring the thing but made sure to split before the cops arrived. I was kind of surprised we weren’t kicked out too, but I think the manager realized hey, you don’t go messing with someone that enraged, and with damn good reason, and I think he realized it wouldn’t be wise to tangle with me. Rage is the main factor in fighting. Not your gender, not your height, not your weight, and believe me I was in what was beyond a psychotic rage at that point.

The best thing about this place is going to be getting out of it tomorrow morning! I finally got caught up on my sleep last night, so I’ll have to be exhausted tomorrow too since it seems I’m only allowed to sleep every other day. We still have to go to another motel, but at least the others have been only annoying. This one’s downright maddening! I’d stay on the streets or sleep under a bush before I stood in another Motel 6 ever again in my life! They don’t even have DO NOT DISTURB signs here. At least they don’t have paper-thin walls to go with the flimsy floors, and at least they have a pool. We went swimming twice, but mostly just for a quick dip to cool off. Today’s cooler and windy, but yesterday was 104º.

I love being in California and knowing I don’t have to deal with the cold and the snow, but there are too many people here and they really get on my nerves at times! There are not as many as Phoenix, but there are definitely more than K-Falls. Since I wouldn’t want to kill myself in any way that could be too excruciating or that I might botch, I sometimes think I should just stop eating. Then I’d just get weak and drift away. Away from all this chaos. We’re just not meant to live in peace no matter where we go! If my travel certificate to Italy was transferable or redeemable for cash, I’d sell it in a heartbeat! I do not want to travel and play motel again!

There’s been some fun mixed in with the craziness. We went clothes shopping for Tom so he’d have decent things to wear that were in style for interviews, although I don’t know if we’d call that part fun. This was yesterday after the shit with the alarmers/manager. We just wanted to get the hell out of this nuthouse for a while, once we saw that the manager wasn’t going to be dumb enough to piss me off even more.

We also went to Red Lobster like I’ve been dying to do for years now since there wasn’t any up in Oregon. This was both a good and a dumb idea. I love lobster but hated paying $25 for just 10 bites of it. At least I didn’t have to crack the shells which is a bitch. A lady did it for me who was teaching a new waiter how to do it. It was his first day, I guess.

We also browsed through Circuit City. They have some awesome headphones and some killer stereos, too. The stereos were a sad reminder of what was to be waiting for us in whatever apartment complex we get stuck in. After all, the last time we were in apartments they didn’t have such loud, basey stereos or TVs. I have my cheap headphones on now as I type. I can still feel the floor rumbling under me, but I can’t hear the non-vibrant shit going on around me till who knows how late into the night. Last night they shut up at 1 AM. Maybe they’ll quit at midnight tonight, but it’s quite a full house for a Sunday so I won’t count on it.

Today we went and grabbed a quick bite to eat, along with a few things we needed. I got new flip-flops which I haven’t had in quite a while. I’ve been wearing my brown strappy sandals. It’s nice to have something I can just slip into quickly. They have a pretty tropical design with palm trees and flowers.

I also got some shiny, diamond-studded hair clips to hold my bangs back which are now to my chin.

We also got that form printed out so we can fax it off tomorrow for that beauty basket I won.

At least other people were nice to us, though we did have to deal with your typical mom at Red Lobster who let her baby scream the whole time we were there.

I also won $10 in eBay credit. I got thinning shears to thin this old mop of mine out and get some of the weight off, along with some lavender incense.

FRIDAY, AUGUST 3, 2007
I’d write more often, but usually I’m just too damn tired to do it. But today was one of those rare times where I got caught up on my sleep despite the many wake-up calls along the way, so I can write now.

Last night I got so fed up with this never-ending noise curse and our wonderful God who cares so much about me and what happens to me that I finally did a spell to back the shit off, and it’s helped a lot over the last 24 hours, but I still hear shit every so often. Not just the usual door-slamming and footsteps stomping, but people seem to love to shout outside our door as well. They also love to blast in and out of the parking lot. I don’t understand why motels and hotels don’t have policies about loud music in parking lots, but once again, people just don’t care.

I got so pissed off at the bastard in the sky that at one point I said, “Fine, go ahead. Sic all the noise you want on me if that’s all I fucking deserve!” Sure enough, it got noisier. That’s when I realized that yes He will grant my prayers. That is, only if I’m willing to pray for what I don’t want.

I’m trying my best to adapt and accept the fact that Tom’s going to have to suffer with a shitty-paying job he doesn’t like, and I can’t live in a house. The more I can hone my influencing skills, the better. Not that I can influence others to give a damn about those around them, but I’m hoping I can learn to tune their shit out because when little Johnny bounces his ball against the dividing wall of the apartment, his mother isn’t going to stop him and tell him that’s rude because she’ll have no concept of the meaning of the word herself.

Anyway, Tom’s put in for jobs he wants so far, but I think he’s starting to realize that that’s just not real life. No one gets what they want or likes their job, so he’s going to put in for tons of jobs he doesn’t want. He’s sure to get one that way!

I’m glad we’re in California and that I won’t have to deal with the cold and the snow because everything else is going to suck. It’s like I’m just sitting here, listening to people’s shit around me, knowing I’m destined to play out this part in a script that’s been written for me and there’s not a damn thing I can do about it. It’s no fun knowing the inevitable is going to happen and that it’s not going to be what we want. But Tom’s going to get that low-paying job on days, and we’re going to live in an apartment. Period.

THURSDAY, AUGUST 2, 2007
Another day at the circus and we’re not much closer to leaving it anytime soon either. I’ve got my headphones on now, though I can feel the rumbling of footsteps underneath my chair. I swear some people want to annoy others and they go out of their way to do it, too. This is way, way beyond extreme! I didn’t know a motel room could possibly be this insane. The shaking would be maddening even if I were fully awake and well-rested. They’re not just stomping through the walkways, but in their rooms, too. And of course we have to listen to the stereos as well in the parking lot and driving down the main road. We are sooo cursed with noise! I know we’ll never get to live in peace and I’m not used to quiet places anyway, but this is total overkill. Even being squeezed into a tooth house on someone’s driveway and with their dog would be heaven compared to this, but I’m sure God will see to it that all we can afford is an apartment. He already helped see that we stay put. Yeah, we tried to move, but it’s so filled up here that there was no other room available. It was a total zoo here till 2:30 last night. A second floor with these flimsy floors was definitely a bad idea. We’d still get banging on the first floor, but not all the vibration from people stomping back and forth. Maybe someday I’ll learn that I’m simply not meant to live in peace. I haven’t lived in peace for nearly 20 years, so why should I think I ever will? Well, I know I won’t, I’m just still having a hard time accepting it. I still don’t see what I ever did to deserve this year after fucking year, decade after fucking decade. God didn’t deny us that apartment to ultimately do us a favor, He did it cuz He plans to throw us to the wolves. And why not drive me a little batty before actually doing so?

I had to get Claritin because my ear got so clogged up, but it isn’t doing a damn thing for my hunger this time around. Don’t worry, God, I’ll stay fat. You have complete control over that, too.

I heard from Mary, and surprisingly fast, too. She was glad to hear from me, and the closest she came to asking for any favors was to say that I could scan any copies of any pictures she sends and send her copies, but as I’ll tell her, I can’t even access my printer! Also, I’m not sending pictures until she gets out. There are too many problems getting them into her with all the power-hungry control freaks there and all their asinine rules.

She said she nearly shit when she read I won the Italy trip because that’s her dream vacation. I wish I could sell it to her! Ain’t life grand that way, though? Whatever your dreams are, there’s always someone else waiting to live them out for you.

She doesn’t know what’s going on with her case but says that in November of next year, she’ll have a 10-year sentence completed with 85% of the “good behavior” she needs. She says her lawyer says that after her testimony and the 10 years, she’ll be going home. Didn’t he tell her that years ago, and is she going to be released in November of ’08 or what?

She’s not sure where home is. Her brother in North Carolina said he’d let her stay with him, but she also wants to be in Arizona where her son is. She’s just “friends” with José these days because he’s immature and selfish, another thing I tried to tell her years ago, but she wasn’t ready to hear it. Like she could ever be anything more with the guy anyway what with the fact that he’s locked up for life!

She’s still into working out, meditation and praying (glad it works for one of us!).

I also heard from Jessie who said: “New beginnings for both of us, maybe you do bring good luck and good influence.”

Yeah, well, we’ll see just how long we’re stuck here, where we end up, and how broke we end up, too. Tom says that we should be ok cuz we don’t have any grand plans this time. Just trying to find a peaceful place to live is a grand plan in itself! It’ll never happen. I know it, God knows it, so why can’t I just accept it?

Jessie said it was weird not hearing from me, but I didn’t want to bombard her with too many emails.

She says her landlady tried to scam her and hopes her husband’s son moves out ASAP. She can’t wait to move but says it’s kind of scary moving back into the other house with her husband, though as I said, sometimes you just gotta go for it.

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Last updated July 20, 2024