June 2005 in 2000s

THURSDAY, JUNE 30, 2005
Today was a warm one. It got all the way up to 87º in here and that was with fans blowing. In the early morning when it’s cool, we’ll open the front door and let some cool air in to lower it so that it can’t come up as high. Especially with me sleeping into the afternoons these days. I may even sleep with the bedroom door open.

Maybe the summers won’t be so noisy here after all. I forget that most of these “Klammers” are natives, so to them, this is quite a heatwave. It’s keeping people shut up indoors just nicely. But summer will be gone in just 2½ months, so hopefully we’ll be gone before they get back out.

Spain legalized same-sex marriages. This is good, but only the third country to do so. Gays have made only a microscopic fraction of the progress blacks have made. If they ever get to where they are, it won’t be in my lifetime. Part of it is a backlash against religious bigots which they have a lot of over there. Guess I’m not the only one getting fed up with people like that who can’t even speak one sentence without bringing God into it somehow. We still have too many people out there, however, who think God is great and that He hates gays, though He obviously does hate them to a degree. They wouldn’t have gone through all the shit they’ve gone through if He didn’t. Nonetheless, I still don’t understand why the religious bigots don’t understand that they can still be who they are while they let others be who they are as well. But you see, that’s the problem with these people; they expect the world to be just like they are with their old-fashioned families and beliefs. Gays, on the other hand, never set out to try to make the world like them, they just want equality.

The protestors wore white masks with red X’s across the mouth and I thought that was so asinine, even childish. People seem to think that just because they’re going to allow certain people the right to be who they are this automatically means they can’t be who they are, and that’s just not true. You really can be who you are while allowing others to be themselves. People are silly at times.

Another funny one I heard was someone saying, “Now that they’ve made same-sex marriages legal, does that mean they’ll legalize bestiality next?” This statement makes no sense at all. That’s like saying that since it’s legal to buy firearms, they’re going to legalize murder. One has nothing to do with the other.

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 29, 2005
My package just left Maspeth, NY, which I’ve never heard of. Unfortunately, though, I won’t get it till the 8th, so I made up a few more sticks, plus Tom’s going to that store this Saturday.

The last day of the month, as well as the 1st and the 15th, tends to be when most sweeps expire. I won the shoes on the 31st, which should be here next week, they said. Anyway, I’m hoping to have another win tomorrow, even if I don’t hear about it for a few weeks. I just hope it’s a good one if I do!

TUESDAY, JUNE 28, 2005
Tom and I went to Burger King for his birthday and had fun laughing and joking about all kinds of things. It was as fun as a birthday could be for him in the midst of our current situation. Even the queen remembered him and sent a $48 check. As with the anniversary card, there was no note enclosed. No bragging about puzzles, kittens or calla lilies. At least he’s one year closer to retirement and one year closer to getting out of this screwy world! In 7 years he’ll get that $250 monthly check from AMEX. Going through a lot of shit tends to simplify your dreams/goals. We may be years away from this, but we just want a modest home where we don’t have to know what’s going on with our neighbors, with $100 extra a month for fun. That’s all we want. He said he’s pretty sure we’ll have that before he’s 55, but if worse comes to worst, we know we’ll have it then.

I’m on nights which is just fine with me. I like sleeping through whatever shit goes on around here in the daytime, though next door’s been up later. I think there’s always been someone up throughout the nights there; it’s just that now that they have their windows open a lot, I can hear voices and coughing as late as 2 AM when I go into the bathroom.

This afternoon I woke up to pee, and I can’t swear to it, but I thought I could hear the dog barking over the fan and sound machine. If it was, then there certainly is no threat of being woken up. If it was barking, then it was probably for the usual reasons; the cats, or wanting to be let in and being ignored.

We’re still not sure if we’re giving notice in August or September. It’ll depend on what we find and what they want up front. Some places cost just under a grand to get into and some cost just over. We won’t know for sure for 2-3 more weeks, though as I’ve always said, it wouldn’t surprise me if it was the latter of the two. At least there are now less than 100 days to go for sure either way.

Most of the big orange-red flowers in the back of the yard have died, but there’s a rose bush blooming by the dividing fence that’s so beautiful.

My oil order has yet to be upgraded to ‘on hold for check or money order’ and then to ‘in production, will ship soon’ so I hope tomorrow’s the day. This order is coming via UPS rather than USPS because it’s weightier. This should make it easier to track and to know when it’ll arrive. Unfortunately, though, I’ll probably be asleep when it does. I hope they’ll leave it by the door.

MONDAY, JUNE 27, 2005
We’re still not sure if we’re giving notice in August or September, but I’m sure it’ll be September, with my shit luck. I don’t know why. I mean, we aren’t going to a place any quieter than this. The only difference is that we won’t be attached to anyone and we won’t have doors slamming and dogs barking so close to us, but I guess that’s enough of a reason for whatever’s been determined to see me spend 95% of my life where I don’t want to be, to keep me here. It’ll also depend on if we can find a place that doesn’t want last month’s rent. I have a feeling that for us, it’ll be mighty hard to find a place that doesn’t want first month, last month, and a deposit as well. That’ll keep us here till October for sure if it’s going to take us around $1300 to get moved, rather than around $800.

Patty hasn’t let the dog get out of control, though I’ve heard a couple of quick barking sprees today and yesterday. It’s probably been going off in the mornings too, when she has her company, but I’ve been sleeping through it. Lucky for her!

My vibes say the place we end up buying in California will be a little noisier than Maricopa, but not as noisy as PHX. Not good. But of course a warm place 200’ from the neighbors versus a warm place 450’ away is going to be a bit more audible. Oh well. At least we’ll own it and will be able to build up equity so that we have more moving choices down the road as we get older. It’s the getting out of this state and into something we own that’s the most important thing to start with. I look forward to fixing it up! That’ll be so much fun as well as hard work. It’ll keep us fit, though I’m not looking forward to the money it’ll cost, but I figure we could sit down and set up a budget when the time comes - how much a month goes to remodeling, how much to food, towards fun.

I’d be okay with this money-saving diet indefinitely. Like I said, until we get rich and they can make calories go away, or I turn 70 (whichever comes first), I don’t mind this diet. It saves money for other things.

I am getting a clearer image of the rental house here. I still see something white with dark trim, unless I’m seeing the California rental. The exterior paint is peeling and it is a small squarish house with small rooms. There are two bedrooms and there may be a fence all around it, including the front, and be set close to the street. I think we will be able to get/send mail at the door. There is no garage or cellar and the driveway is to the right of the house. It isn’t managed by this management company. It’s owned by an older man who owns 1-3 houses. I cannot see what’s around it, but it is not in this area. I see an older/younger neighborhood, but no details. Meaning, the houses are older, but the people are younger. Think the ones next to us will work if that’s the case? Well, of course not! I know they’ll be home 24/7. What will their flaw(s) be? I guess that could only be bass, barks or screams unless they have a woodshop or gun engines. I am not moving next to a basketball hoop! Thank God those things aren’t everywhere like in Phoenix.

SUNDAY, JUNE 26, 2005
It seems I cannot get closer than 5 days to my period without spotting, but 5 is better than 10.

Got my second and final rejection from the publishers. This time they attached a list of excerpts from the book that they had a problem with and pointed out why in hopes of encouraging me. We don’t agree with all the things they pointed out, but 8 pages worth of stuff really makes me think I’m not nearly as good of a writer as I thought I was. I can see putting thoughts in italics, but what was wrong with having Maureen stand there and tell Shania all the horrible things she was going to do to her when she finally found her in the K-Falls motel room? Of course it was because she wanted to scare her and make her feel threatened before she killed her. Or tried to anyway. It’s okay, though. Rather than rewrite it or submit anything else, I’ll go on writing for fun. That way I don’t have to worry if I’m not being descriptive enough or if I have any discrepancies, etc. I could even use celebrity names if I wanted to and even racial slurs. I always did know that something up there never wanted me to succeed career/money-wise and that I’ve already been living my true destiny – being the homemaker/hobbyist that I am. I’m simply not meant to make money, but I can win a pair of shoes every now and then and write for fun. I think that writing professionally would be so much work that it’d take the fun out of it just like singing professionally.

One of my boo-boos was funny. The part where Lauren busts Shania out of the hospital and then her friend drives them to the bus terminal. Meanwhile, Shania’s still in her hospital gown. I forgot to have her change in the friend’s van!

Some of the things she picked on make no sense. She questioned why I would refer to “the other day” as the other day when it was just yesterday. But isn’t yesterday the other day? I would think either phrase, be it “the other day” or “yesterday” would be appropriate.

Anyway, I see it like this: I made two submissions, so I can’t say I didn’t try. It was a fun and interesting experience getting their feedback and all that, but now it’s time to move on, write for fun and just be the leaf blowing in the wind that we almost all are meant to be. Some do the things they’d like to do, but most don’t. It’s a simple fact of life, like it or not. If I thought the odds of making decent money at it were in my favor, then I’d consider all the hard work it’d take, but I don’t want to work my ass off just to almost certainly be told that I’m still not quite “getting the picture.”

I kind of got a kick out of how she said “Good luck with your writing career.”

What writing career?

Tom said this has inspired him to write a book, though I doubt he will. Not that I don’t think he’d be a good writer, but I think writing a book would be something he’d find easier to talk about than to do. He has too many other higher priorities in his life.

SATURDAY, JUNE 25, 2005
Yesterday and the day before were so warm that I had to work at keeping it from getting into the 90s in here by blowing cool air in from the other rooms. Today, however, is much cooler. The heater will probably come on early in the morning.

We went for our walk to the grocery store earlier and again his coworker drove by as we were walking. He lives just up the street.

I’m pleased to say that it’s been quiet here all day, though I didn’t get up till the early afternoon. Tom would’ve told me if there was anything going on. All I heard was next door talking, but I hear that pretty much every day and figure I will as long as it’s warm.

Meanwhile, it’s just me, my computers and the blessed silence of nighttime. Ah, the peacefulness of the nighttime! I love it. At night I never have to say to myself, “Okay, it’s quiet now, but will it stay that way?”

Tom said he had a sore throat when he went to bed. I hope he’s not coming down with a cold and that I can stop it if he is.

I don’t feel like working on my story now and the new sweeps aren’t all in yet, so I guess I’ll go do some reading. One sweeper had 4 wins in 3 days!

FRIDAY, JUNE 24, 2005
I finally, after nearly two months of sweeping, have my first real win! I’m excited about it even if it’s nothing big. It’s not even for me. I won Tom a pair of canvas shoes in khaki. I had my choice of that or a bag in mint, so I chose the shoes, figuring he’d want those more than a bag. He’s a size 10. I was one of 5 people to win this month and it was a one-time entry for correctly answering the trivia question from their site which is called Gravis. I got the answer from the notes section. I don’t know why people give answers to other sweepers. You’re lowering your chances of winning by doing that. They sent me an email telling me to reply to it with my shipping address and choice of prize. They also asked for a photo to add to their site. I don’t have any recent ones, so I sent one from Maricopa where my hair was really long.

So the law of averages finally paid off. I’m glad. I’d have hated to hang up sweeping not just because I wasn’t winning, but because it gives me more to do. It’s fun, too!

Winning shoes is nice, but it’d be even nicer to win something big. I’d prefer a big cash prize most of all but would happily settle for a vehicle, a cruise, a house or a gift certificate worth hundreds of dollars at a store. Even a bottle of perfume would be nicer than shoes. I would think that if I kept at it for the rest of my life, I’d be bound to win big sooner or later.

Tom’s right about it taking a while for them to notify me, too. It looks like I won the shoes on May 31st, so I could have other wins out there that I don’t yet know about.

My bangs have grown out to the point where I can now gather them into a ponytail.

THURSDAY, JUNE 23, 2005
Patty had me worried again for a minute there when I saw the dog lounging out back because she does not always sit with it when she leaves it outside for a while like she said she does. Yet it’s been quiet with the only sound being voices from next door’s barbecue. Now I can’t hear a thing, if they’re still out there, because the fan’s on. It’s getting pretty toasty in here, too.

I got an email from SOS with a great sale offer for a buy-four-get-one-free deal on their 1-oz. trial sizes. So I ordered Peanut Butter Crunch, Cookie Dough, Deep Fried Ice Cream, Cookies & Cream, and Hawaiian Rain. That’s not all. For just $20.50, I get 8 samples of their new spring scents – Summertime Rose, Peach Orchard, Jolly Rancher Watermelon, Musk Mountain Rain, Green Leaf & Bamboo, Aloe Tea & Honey, Japanese Honeysuckle, and Soft Indigo Rain. I don’t think they’ll be 1-oz. sizes, but that’s okay. Lastly, by placing an order, I’m automatically entered into their drawing. First prize is a $100 SOS voucher and 4th is a $10 voucher. I’m sure the chances of me winning a voucher, unfortunately, are about the same as they would be if I didn’t place an order at all.

Last night, even though I had the fan blaring, the sound machine blaring, and was lying on my good ear, I heard a thunderous car stereo go by at 3 AM. It was so loud that it shook the room. It would’ve woken me up for sure and I can see where I’d have assumed it was next door slamming doors.

They have these chat forums at the sweeps site and there are other people whining about not winning while others win every month. Some say they believe in the law of averages and that they’re bound to win sooner or later.

Am I?

As of midnight, we’ll supposedly have 70 days left here, but I’ll believe it when I see it. It seems life is one big waiting game. Right now we’re waiting to move into a house, then we’ll wait to move to California, then we’ll wait till we can get a rental down there, then we’ll wait till we can buy a place, then we’ll wait till we can fix it up and start building up enough equity, then we’ll wait to hopefully, hopefully, get some peace in the end there in a retirement community.

Right now I’m waiting on the oils. If we make Saturday’s pick-up, I could get them on the 2nd. If not, I’ll probably get them on the 5th. I’m glad I won’t be asleep during the evening on the 4th, thanks to next door. If they go firecracking on non-holidays, then I can only imagine how they’ll be on the 4th, but maybe not. I don’t think they shot off any on New Year’s Eve.

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 22, 2005
I woke up wondering, what kind of noise will God bless me with today? Then when I went into the kitchen to get my coffee, I saw the dog sitting on its patio and it was only 11:30. However, it got up, took a dump, then went inside without a bark. Meanwhile, I’m sure that come late afternoon or early evening, I’ll have to hear from it. The question is will she ignore it, or will she do something about it? I guess it depends on whether or not she’s on the phone at the time, but if she doesn’t mind all that barking, then certainly she can’t mind a little bass from my stereo, cuz like it or not, that’s just what she’s going to get if I have to hear it later on.

Didn’t hear much from next door yesterday, but at 11 PM when I was in the bathroom, I could hear several voices, although not too loud. My first thought was, what are they doing out this late? But then I realized I was hearing them through their open window.

Unfortunately, tomorrow may be his last day of overtime. I didn’t expect it to last long anyway, but hopefully, hopefully, we’ll still be able to give notice come August. I am not looking forward to spending the rest of the summer here as it is, thanks to that damn dog. I know God will pick out the noisiest neighbors just for me once we get to a house, but at least they shouldn’t be able to get this close to us, let alone be attached. I tell you, if I ever want to feel that something up there loves me and listens to my prayers, all I have to do is just get down on my knees and pray for noisy neighbors and it’s an automatically done deal! It sure would be nice, though, if God could agree that enough is enough already, and just let us live in peace. We have enough other issues to stress over. We don’t need neighbor stress on top of it. We have our other lifelong curse to worry about – money. And of course there are my teeth, too. Just managing to survive and keep from getting fucked over by society and life itself is enough of a challenge. We don’t need the neighbor’s cars, dogs, kids, music, doors and other shit on top of it. But I know that unless we get lucky in some retirement community somewhere a million years from now, anyplace we go is going to have some sounds to listen to that are at least a little extreme. This means that if our neighbors throw a party, we’re invited, like it or not.

I wrote 56 pages on the land, nearly 40 in the motels, nearly 100 with Bev, and now 30 since Patty entered the picture.

Later…

As Tom was getting in, I saw Patty leave with Freckles, but sure enough, they weren’t gone long. The good news is that they didn’t set up house in back for a few hours. I saw the dog out twice but never heard it. Next door’s been quiet, too. Just the usual catcalls and that’s it. No serious door-slamming or anything. If it could be like this every day till we move, I couldn’t complain.

The most surprising thing to happen today was the letter I got from Mary. I really thought she’d decided to give me a taste of my own medicine, despite how often she’d insist that it was okay to get mad as long as you could forgive. She said she’d been in a funk and too anxious to write. I let her know that my letters only stopped because I wasn’t hearing from her. I still expect to do most of the writing and that’s fine. Especially since it’s more convenient for me to do so than it is for her. I asked her to try to write at least twice a month.

I’ve learned that I can take or leave people (except for Tom of course), though I must admit that the idea of her no longer reading my stories did make me a bit sad when I thought I’d never hear from her again. I asked if she wanted me to send her a copy of my last book, or wait and see if I can email it to her once she’s out. I told her she could open a free email account at her local library, but it’s going to cost her a dime a page to print. I guess she’s going to go to North Carolina and stay with her brother when she gets out, but she didn’t say when that will be. All she said was that Monster was sentenced in Arizona to 15 years and she doesn’t know what’s going on. But I thought the Arizona case had been done and over with a long time ago. I know this may sound selfish as hell, but a part of me wants her to do a decade in prison because I’m afraid she may be more of a pest on the outs. Oh well. I’ll just put my foot down if I have to. I’ve done it before and by now I think she’s catching on to the fact that I’m not a favor person.

She remembered Tom’s birthday which was nice, and I let her know our 11th anniversary just passed.

She said she hasn’t had Hope’s address for a while because all her letters were returned to her because she wasn’t family. I told her not to worry about it.

She asked if I’d heard from Marilyn, agreeing that she was cool and her laughter was nice, and so I let her know that unfortunately I never did.

I gave her my email address but said we ought to wait as far as giving her my cell phone number which she asked for. I explained to her that my phone was not activated. His is, but we need to save on our minutes. I told her that once she’s officially out of there she can contact me by postal mail or email and I’ll give her whatever number we have then. We might switch plans. There are other plans now that are cheaper. She doesn’t sound as if she’s getting out anytime soon, or else she’d have given me at least an approximate time frame, wouldn’t she?

I filled her in on all that’s been going on here between my tooth, the sweepstakes, the submitting of my manuscript, the overtime he’s getting, dying my hair, the neighbors, walking to the store, him riding his bike and saving on gas, us having more money and planning to rent a house for a year in September, then leaving the state after that, and that here it is barely more than a week from July and we’ve finally, finally, got a real summer! Hopefully, it’ll stick around for more than a few days, too.

What was funny was that she asked me what China’s population is since she’s already freed 251 million souls from purgatory. I don’t know how she’s come up with that figure, but she sure has been busy! Tom and I don’t believe in purgatory, but it’s okay that she does. It gives her something to do. I let her know that China currently has just over a billion people. It’s one populated country! Glad I don’t live there. There is no such thing as “rural living” there.

I told her that when we walked by one of the motels we stayed at the other day, I looked at it and said to Tom, “It’s hard to believe that the girl in there who cried for hours on end as she lay on those rock-hard beds, feeling hopeless, helpless, wanting so badly to die, feeling so much hatred and anger towards God, was me.”

TUESDAY, JUNE 21, 2005
Patty’s out watering now while on her cell phone and not doing a damn thing to stop the dog from barking. The dog’s been barking at the cats now for ten minutes yet she won’t do anything. She just lets it bark on and on. Well, I’m not going to worry about my music if this is going to be the case. I can see this is going to be the shitty part of having the weather stay as nice as it is today if it truly is going to stay this way. She’s going to be out there with the damn dog every afternoon and God knows how I’ll sleep through it. A few barks yes, but not if it goes on and on like that. It’s literally against the corner wall of the bedroom. I really appreciate her watering our side of the yard, but I’d appreciate it more if she could take responsibility for keeping the dog quieter. I have to be on days come August if we give notice then and I hope to hell we do! It’s like, damn God for seeing to it that I always, always get shit like this next to me! Damn Him!

A part of me wishes it’d rain like hell till we left, but that’d cost us more money. It’s a no-win situation either way. Tom says she’s a nut for being so obsessed with watering. Yeah, she’s a nut alright. She’s considerate enough to water our side of the yard, but does she give a damn about us being annoyed by the dog? Or about annoying next door? Of course not. If it’s true that what goes around comes around, then Patty’s not going to like whoever moves in here next, though that rule doesn’t usually apply to me. If anything, I’m the one that’s been getting this shit since ’92 no doubt for singing too loud on my swings as a kid when the old lady next door was out tending her garden or some stupid thing like that. Meanwhile, no one’s going to give Patty a taste of her own medicine since it’s me she’s giving the medicine to. If I were anyone else, then maybe she would be in for trouble come September, but we’ll see. I’ll know who it is if they have the person see the place before we leave. I’m very good at reading people so I’m sure I’ll be able to get a good sense of what they may be like.

MONDAY, JUNE 20, 2005
Got a surprise in the mail yesterday. An anniversary card from Marge with her usual cheap $25 check enclosed. I really thought she was going to blow us off since anyone with sense would’ve sent cards and money for both the anniversary and his birthday before either one of them came around, and not for just one of them after it happened. It made me wonder if she wanted us to think she’d forgotten us, but Tom doesn’t think so. Yeah, she probably lacks the mentality to plan like that. Well, she spared herself from one hell of a nasty letter, though if my book gets published I am going to let her have it gently via email.

Meanwhile, we’re not going to cash the check right away. We’re going to let them wonder if we even got it, then Tom will write to them once we move and let them know we finally got a place.

I also got a letter from Paula. She used a stamped envelope and not one of mine, but it was nice hearing from her. She said it got up to 90º there and that Justin’s turning 14 next month and is going into the 9th grade. Some guy woke her up at 3 AM and she was pissed. She got sunburned at a CT beach and had to see a doctor. Other than that, she thanked me for her birthday package and said she hoped we were well. She asked how our weather was here. Not good. Not good at all. However, it may get to the mid-70s today. It wasn’t nearly this cool at this time last year. It warms up, then it cools right back down. It’s turning into the summer that never was.

I’m getting a coupon for Hawaiian Fruit Punch for doing a survey, so they say, and I printed a coupon for a perfumed evening wash product from KY Sensual. It looks like it may not only smell good but it’s got oil in it which should leave the skin softer than regular body washes.

I just don’t think I’m going to win any of these sweeps at this point. Tom thinks I will and I hope he’s right!

Next door was quiet yesterday and so far today too, though it’s early.

Later…

Patty really gets on my nerves at times! Today she let the dog bark for a few minutes before she finally came out and did something about it. It’s those fucking cats that are the main cause of stirring the dog up. I heard her talking with them briefly. And why does the dog always have to wait till we get back from a walk to go off? Can’t it do its thing while we’re gone?

We went to Burger King because I was starving after veering off track for too long, once again, like a fool. I’ve been trying to get back on track since Saturday. I’ve got to work harder at not over-bingeing on Fridays so I’m not dying of hunger the following days.

I’m not sure if it was a promotional thing they gave to all the entrants or just the winners, but I got a CD in the mail with eBook excerpts at one of the sites doing contests. They’re pretty boring. It’s from a teen site. I checked the site to see their winner’s list, but they don’t have one. This is a start, I guess you could say, though I’d really like to win something we want or something that can be sold. I’ll offer it for a quarter at our yard sale, though I doubt anyone will want this CD. I’ll just ditch it if no one wants it.

They hired more people at work which tells me that they want to cut back on the overtime, which also tells me that he doesn’t have much more of it to look forward to. I guess it will depend on how badly God’s determined to keep me boxed in here between the dog and next door’s doors.

SUNDAY, JUNE 19, 2005
I heard next door as late as after 10 PM. Between high school graduation and Father’s Day, I’d say it was a special occasion. There were at least half a dozen people over there. Hopefully, this will be the only party they’ll throw while we’re still here so I don’t have to be a part of it, too.

I tried calling Paula once yesterday and twice today, but she wasn’t there. Her kid answered and he doesn’t sound like a kid anymore, that’s for sure. Anyway, as I told her in the letter I’m sending, I’d rather we just keep in touch by mail because we can’t afford to go losing too many minutes of phone time.

My tooth is ¾ gone. The molar next to it appears to have a huge black cavity. I doubt there’s a molar in my mouth without a cavity of some kind. I just hope they don’t take forever to break up and fall out.

I wouldn’t say I’m depressed or bored, but I feel empty inside at times. Like I’m lacking variety and excitement in my life. I guess I’ll go work on my story. I don’t really feel like doing that right now, but that’s all I’ve got at the moment.

SATURDAY, JUNE 18, 2005
We just got back from our walk to the grocery store. It’s a pretty chilly day, too. I can’t believe it’s mid-June! They’re using their fireplace across the street. This isn’t good for the electric bill, but it’s keeping next door inside. I think they may’ve woken me up at 3:30 last night if it wasn’t a very loud car stereo, the mother-fuckers. Always gotta be woken up by something, though I can’t deny that I’ve slept better here than in Maricopa, the mountain, or the motels. Maybe that’s because something wants me here.

I lost more of that tooth. This time the back part broke up. Guess I don’t need it pulled after all. That’s good because I not only don’t want God knows how many hundreds of dollars going into my mouth, but all the dentists here are only open Mon. – Thurs. and most aren’t seeing new patients. Tom did talk to one who said they’d work me in if I had an emergency, but hopefully I won’t. I haven’t had any pain and we’re thinking that’s because the tooth died. We’re also back to thinking that that was the reason for the ear pain after all. The filling popped out, the root got exposed and maybe even infected, then it died off. They can all drop dead for all I care!

Tom got me a lobster yesterday from the grocery store and it was quite good. It was a good-sized lobster, though even the biggest lobster doesn’t have much meat.

He also got to the Fragrant Flame today after all. They had a so-so selection, he said. A little better than Jan’s. He got incense, a few candles, and Angel oil. This Angel doesn’t smell like Bob’s or SOS’s. The sticks are great, from what I’ve sampled so far, but I don’t think I’ll get any more candles. They just aren’t fragrant enough. I mean, they smell better held up to your nose unlit than they do lit.

Then again, next door’s not so quiet after all. They’re out blasting a radio right now, but it’s mild compared to a car stereo. It has no bass in it. It’s heavy metal music. But what would they be doing out there now? It’s chilly! It still pisses me off too, even if they aren’t that noisy. Why does God want me listening to other people so damn badly??? Why is it so important to Him??? Why can’t we ever live in a place where we don’t have to be a part of our neighbor’s day-to-day life? Why can’t we NOT know what’s going on with them? We don’t make them a part of our lives.

We’re still hoping to bail out of here come September, though I don’t know that we’ll necessarily find a place quieter. It won’t be the end of the world if we can’t since it’s still quiet most of the time around here, though we’ll at least be detached from others and that’s the biggest thing right there. Unless we end up next to the same shit we had in Phoenix, I doubt I’d have someone’s doors this close that people constantly go in and out of.

Later…

Now we’re shooting off bottle rockets next door. If only Patty wasn’t stuck to us! I’d annoy the shit out of them with my stereo! See, this is what I mean when I say that God not only protects my perps, but he also makes sure I can’t give people a taste of their own medicine. Maybe it’s a good thing, though, cuz the music may just make them noisier. And these aren’t the kinds of people you can ask to quiet down either. I can tell that. Doing that would only stir them up more. You wouldn’t be slamming doors that often and in the middle of the night if you had any respect for those around you. These are people locked in their own little world that would be very upset if anyone tried to intrude or change them.

FRIDAY, JUNE 17, 2005
Well, it looks like we may not be out of here in 3-4 months, but should I be surprised? You know God wants me living squeezed in with others and I knew things would start coming up to steal the money we’ve been saving. I was eating popcorn when all of a sudden I started crunching on a piece of tooth. The front part of my first molar on the left broke off. I’ve never had anything like this happen to me before, but Tom has. He had two teeth break up, but having a phobia of dentists, he just let them rot. He got some wax yesterday since it’s a bit rough, but given the location of the tooth, it keeps falling off. I’m okay without it, though.

Today at work he’ll be contacting dentists at lunchtime to see who may be our best bet. Fortunately, I’m not in any pain, though I’m sure they’re going to want to pull it. That would be nice because that’d be one less tooth to have to play Fill It with.

It’s frustrating because all I can think is – something doesn’t want to let us out of here, and it doesn’t want us buying little things once a month like DVDs. Every single fucking time we start to get ahead, something just has to come up. Watch, the next thing to eat up more money than we anticipate will be the truck. There goes that incense I wanted to try this weekend, too. He says most of the overtime he’s been getting will help, and while the overtime certainly is a good thing and is better than nothing, I hate to see him have to work extra hours just so that the money can all go into my mouth. A part of me is considering just letting the tooth decay on its own. My teeth get worse and worse so I’m only going to lose them all eventually anyway. I figure that when I do, we’ll either be making more money and enough of it to cover the cost of dentures, or we’ll be so damn poor that the state will pay for it.

THURSDAY, JUNE 16, 2005
Today’s cloudy, damp and cool. To need heat in the middle of June is insane! Never did we need heat at this time back east. How I wish I were at the beach there if only for an hour or two! Then I’d jump right back here to the state that’s almost as bad as the New England states.

At least this kind of weather keeps next door quiet. Yesterday I was headed in to pee when I heard the chick tell the guy, “You gotta wait for it to heat up,” which told me they were going to barbecue. So I shut the window to keep the smoke out and then they lit a firecracker. The kind that whistles for a few seconds and ends with a pop. Fortunately, it was just one.

Yesterday, however, was perfect for walking to and from the Black Bear Diner. We both got the special which was the sirloin steak. It was a little tough but nice for a change.

We had a little scare there for a minute when he started having an allergic reaction to the cucumbers in his salad. Fortunately, he only had a little bite because his throat started to swell shut. A little more might have suffocated the guy!

His coworker who lives nearby honked at us on the way down. Someone we couldn’t see honked on the way back and Tom jokingly said, “Someone you know?”

I said, “Oh, sure. It’s my secret girlfriend that only comes around when you’re at work.” Sometimes I wish I had one for real, though it wouldn’t be worth the trouble she’d probably cause, and like I said before, I may still feel guilty even though Tom and I are just friends. And I’m not stupid either. I know no bed will magically change things. We had beds in Maricopa and that didn’t seem to make us want to get it on much.

Sure enough, not a damn thing from the queen in the mail. Not even an email message. This means that she could be waiting for his birthday to send something, though I highly doubt it. I’m almost positive she won’t send shit, but that’s okay. I will! We’re not as broke as we were last fall, so we can live without her cheap $25 anniversary check just fine. It’s worth it just to tell her off and get their blood boiling, and believe me, what I have to say will do just that! They’ll be fuming 10 times more than all the times they’ve pissed me off and offended me combined and I don’t care if God punishes me for it since it’s never okay for Jodi to anger people while it’s perfectly okay for others to piss off Jodi. They’ll hear from me just as soon as I hear from the publisher. If they by some miracle accept the manuscript, I’ll want to do a little bragging before I let them have it. They make me sick. They really do. I’m usually pretty good with reading people, though these are just about the last people I ever thought would turn out to be so selfish and uncompassionate. And I know they’re not failing to send anything because they lost the address since they do have our email addresses. If they cared enough to send anything but lost the address, they’d email us. They’re not sending anything because they don’t want to, but this doesn’t piss me off nearly as much as it did when they sat back on their pampered little asses while we were homeless and did absolutely nothing to help us but write to brag about their wonderful new purchases and accomplishments.

Later…

I have been quite depressed today, believe it or not, missing some things I never had that I once wanted, yet still grateful that I never did get them. I can’t believe I’m this bummed out over him after all these years. I haven’t talked to him since the last time I lived on Woodside Terrace in Springfield and that was around 1990. “His” name was Mike M. He was my music teacher in high school and I know he knew I liked him. I’m sure most of the girls did. I can’t believe I never wrote about that final talk we had when I called him 15 years ago. I checked my New England journal and couldn’t find any mention of his name, so maybe I called him the first time I lived on Woodside which was before I began a journal. I mentioned sending him the wacky letter I sent 5 years ago in the Maricopa journal, though. I see that I was pretty vague about him in my autobiography, so I’ll now do up a detailed entry of Mr. Michael M, the one and only man I truly desired. I hate to say it, but not even my initial attraction for Tom, which quickly wore off, came even close to the magnitude of my crush on Mike.

I was only in the real high school for the last part of my freshman year and the first part of my sophomore year, so I didn’t know him for long. Mike was 25 at the time I met him and I was 15. He was the masculine version of Kate Jackson, probably the biggest female crush I’ve ever had, LOL! He was tall, dark and handsome in every sense of the word. He married a student named Daryl who was a year older than me. I never met her, so I couldn’t even say what she looks like. Today Mike would be 49 years old.

I think I dreamt about him the other night and that’s what may’ve triggered these memories of him, not that I ever did forget him. It’s so weird. Here I am jealous of a woman I never met. She got the man I once wanted. She got the child I once wanted. She got to go straight from school to a nice, comfy home in East Longmeadow and then Longmeadow with love and money at her side and then a family, while I went through one loser after another and struggled my ass off. Lust certainly was never meant to be for me the way it is in my fantasies. Anyone I wanted didn’t want me and all that was available to me were those I didn’t want. So with my loveless, lustless life of poverty and my so-called true friends, it seemed she was getting it all while I was going all kinds of wild places. The only problem was that they were all leading to nowhere. Yet at the same time I have to wonder, would I have been happy if I had nabbed him and somehow managed to have kids? If I’d been the one to have him, would he have tolerated my inability to keep a schedule? Would I be happy still stuck back east? Would it have even lasted? Are they themselves still happy? Have they ever cheated on each other? Fantasized about others along the way like I have no matter who I’ve been with? Either way, I know that if I could snap my fingers, jump back in time and be the one to be his wife and have his kids, I wouldn’t do it because nothing could replace or equal my love for Tom and his love for me. The only problem in this marriage is that it’s lustless. I’d rather that than all kinds of other problems like I’d always had in the past. If I could get a buck for every problem I had before meeting Tom, I’d be rich. We were off to a rough start with me wanting a child, needing to get off the cigarettes, then dealing with the damn freeloaders and their tormenting us, but now look how few my problems are compared to then and especially compared to back east. My worst problem right now is that we have no sexual desire for each other, we need more money, and we’re living in the wrong state. I’ve been through many changes, places and adventures, both good and bad, as an adult. Meanwhile, I’m sure Mike and Daryl are doing the same thing they’ve been doing ever since – going to work, then coming home to the responsibilities that family brings. Still, I have to wonder – what makes some of our lives so different than others? Why are certain things meant to be for some of us that aren’t meant to be for others? Daryl went on to have the kid she wanted with the one she loved while I went on to just dream about it. Why did Tammy and Larry get to live in nice houses in nice neighborhoods while I had to live in various apartments in the slums? Why did I have to struggle while everyone else in my so-called family got to live comfortably? Who’d have thought that all these years later I’d be so pissed about that? I guess the only reason I wasn’t at the time was that anything I could get was heaven to me after being in Brattleboro, Valleyhead and Dureen O’s house.

I don’t know, maybe Mike and Daryl have had a million problems along the way. I mean, could they really be that happy all these years? Maybe he beats the shit out of her. Maybe she’s become fat and ugly and he no longer desires her. Maybe she wishes they’d never had kids to come between them. Maybe they do struggle financially. But why did God deny me true lust? I guess it’s better than being denied true love, but why? Why was it important to Him that I never experienced an attraction I could actually act on that went as far as Kacey did, but that never came close to comparing to the young Kate or Gloria or Linda or Mike or Mary C from Valleyhead or Norah M from the Harley hotel? Why did He want me to be teased with Teddy Bear? I was more attracted to her than anyone else who was ever attracted to me in return. We almost were, but never were. Why is that? It was almost as if God was saying, “See? You can be attracted to someone who’s attracted to you too. You just can’t have them!”

Like I said, it’s just so weird. I’m so depressed that I want to bawl my eyes out. I know it’d make me feel better. However, Tom will be in anytime now and I wouldn’t want him to see me crying. What would I tell him when he asked why I was crying? That I was missing my high school music teacher and wondering what his life was like these days? The one I had a huge crush on and was devastated not to have gotten? The one who gave me my first taste of loss and rejection, even if he never meant to hurt me by ignoring my advances?

I’d be a total liar if I didn’t admit there was/is a definite pattern of rejection in my life and that I am not, under any circumstances, meant to have anyone I lust for. I can get close to flirting with them like I did with Teddy Bear, but other than that, all attraction must be completely non-mutual. I can think of numerous people that rejected my advances, other than Mike. There was Mary C, Norah M, Nissan and Rosemarie from the Phoenix apartments, etc. Meanwhile, all the ones I could’ve had like Fran, Nervous and a million other losers, I wouldn’t touch with a ten-foot pole. I wonder why this rule was laid upon me. Not that I’d ever want to be without Tom, but if I were suddenly single, I’d never in a million years even bother to approach anyone I thought was hot. I’d either learn to settle or just be alone because I’d know that’d be all I could do.

Oh, the fantasies I’d have about Mike! While stuck in that miserable house with those miserable people called my parents, I’d fantasize about getting out of school one day and going straight to his house or apartment, wherever that was, and waiting for him to get home. He’d let me cry on his shoulder and then he’d make me feel so much better by cooking us a nice romantic dinner while I took a nice hot bath in his Jacuzzi tub. We’d chat, make love, and I would move in with him and we’d live happily ever after.

Other than a 5-minute attraction for Don Johnson back in the 80s, he was the only one I was very attracted to. What does he look like today, I wonder? Probably put on some weight, got some gray hairs. Would I be attracted to him still if I ran into him right now? Probably not. I think that once we get over 40, most of us just aren’t very appealing.

That damn spider just won’t die. The huge one that’s between the living room screen and window. It’s as immortal as the queen, even though I keep spraying it.

I can still hear her TV next door, but it’s not as loud. We’ll be out of here in 3-4 months anyway and I can’t hear it in the bedroom.

I wonder if we’re about to have the same problem with the internet connection that we had around the time Bev moved out because I couldn’t get online for a while there.

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 15, 2005
Today marks our 11th anniversary and 1 year in the wrong state. At least we got out of Mexico!

We plan to go out to eat when he gets off work which could be after just 8 hours since they went and hired new people. That pretty much tells me he’s not going to get much more in the way of overtime, but hopefully, if they can afford to hire new people, they can afford to give him a decent raise once he hits the 1-year marker at the end of July.

Meanwhile, Patty’s taken to blasting the shit out of her TV. It’s not as loud as Bev’s stereo was in that it can only be heard in the living room and not throughout the entire place, but even if we do have just 79 more days to go here, that’s 79 days too many to listen to that for 6 hours a day, so as soon as it starts up, and I know it’s going to be a regular habit of hers, I’m going to go over there and have a little chat with her. And while I’m at it, I’m going to see if she wants first dibs on any of the knickknacks I plan to try to sell at the yard sale we’ll have.

The dog was barking up a storm in front just now and when I looked out, I saw a young woman standing in back of the van which had its hatch open. I was hoping that for this chick to be there so early that she was helping her prepare to go on a little vacation, but I couldn’t get that lucky. If she’s going to go away anytime, it won’t be while we’re still here.

I’m going to wait and let her have her usual slew of morning company, then I’ll go over there as soon as she cranks up the TV which should be around the mid-afternoon if she follows yesterday’s pattern.

I almost wish I were on nights again so I don’t have to listen to people’s shit around here. Why, why, why is it so damn important to whatever’s up there that I hear other people’s shit??? This noise curse is never going to be broken. Every single neighbor of mine since ’92 has had something going on with them that I’ve had to deal with. Every single one of them! Why don’t I just be noisy myself? Then I can at least deserve what I get from them.

Where did this chick come from so early in the morning anyway? I can’t see well past the van, but there doesn’t appear to be any other vehicle in her driveway but hers, so did she pick this chick up? Did the chick walk here? Is she perhaps staying with her and the one who went blasting the TV?

The van is still there, but now the hatch is closed and there are no people in sight.

It’s days like yesterday that make me think that Bev was the better housemate. Look how many times I’ve had to hear the dog as opposed to Bev’s grandanimals.

Later…

Now the van is gone and the pickup is here. Right on time, too. Next comes the dog, and after I have to listen to that, the pickup will leave around 11:00.

Later…

The pickup left an hour earlier than usual and I haven’t heard the dog in back or the TV yet. She didn’t start with the TV till around 3:00, so we’ll see how the rest of the day goes.

Meanwhile, I can’t wait for him to get home so we can go out to eat! If he’s going to get a couple of extra hours, though, it would have to be today. That way I’m made to wait even longer and we end up eating with the dinner crowd. At least the restaurants here don’t seem as bad as down in Arizona as far as unruly kids go. Every other time we ate out in Arizona we had to do it to the tune of screaming kids. At least there are not as many kids up here, though all it takes is one to ruin the occasion.

Later…

Well, I talked to Patty. I asked her if she got a new TV or something and she said a friend of hers adjusted the TV set’s controls and made it bassy. We talked for a good 10 minutes or so about a variety of things and I even patted Freckles. She really is a beautiful dog. Her coat is nice and shiny and soft. She said it’s a corgi and her third service dog. Also, she agrees it’s not cool to leave dogs outside unattended and says that if she has her outside for any length of time, she’s with her. Even when she had a German Shepherd, she kept it indoors. I explained to her that in Arizona they tend to leave their dogs outside and asked her if that was customary in Sacramento. She said she wasn’t familiar with that city, but said they were strict about animals, so maybe that’ll be a good thing. Then again, “strict” may only mean no-letting-it-loose-without-a-leash and not, don’t-let-it-bark-outdoors-round-the-clock.

I told her we were going to do a swap meet or yard sale before we left in a few months to rent a house before we can move to California and that I thought she may want first dibs on some of the knickknacks I don’t want. She said she was still broke from moving in here and wouldn’t have any money for a month, but that she definitely wanted more plants. I gave her my puzzle since we only paid 75¢ for it and she said she needs things to keep busy (she was about to take a nap, supposedly from sheer boredom), and it looks like she may buy my spider plant, but not for another month or so when she has more money. So I let her know I’d catch her out back in about a month, and if she’s still interested, she can have it for $20. I doubt the pot and the plant cost me that much, so I’m making a bit of a profit, unlike most things we sell. If she talks me down to $15 or so, that’ll be okay because plants aren’t my top priority in life as opposed to dolls and smells. I’ll definitely be keeping the date palm, though. I looked in my Maricopa journal to see if this was the queen or the date, and from what I read, it’s the date. It usually gets to be 25’ - 40’. I can’t believe how much it’s grown here. I wonder if it’ll slow down in California. I doubt it. I think it was whatever evil lurked on the Maricopa land that interfered with our plants, both indoors and outdoors.

She said it took her years to adjust to this climate when she moved up from Southern Cal in ’68 and doesn’t even run her heat until it drops into the 30s. Well, I’m not about to stick around long to adjust to this shit! There’s simply nothing for us here. This is a tiny, nothing, going nowhere town. While I don’t miss Arizona, I miss how we lived in a rural area yet could get to big cities in less than a year. Still took long enough, though.

Patty’s thinking of planting some flowers in back where they cut a tree down last Sunday.

She’s also thinking of getting a house through the FHA. Those on disability or who are low-income qualify. I told her we were looking forward to an old house that we could fix up to our own liking.

I mentioned that we started watering the yard in the mornings and she said it would be good for us to rotate weekly so it doesn’t get as expensive as it would for just one person to do it. I didn’t tell her that Tom’s only watering our side.

Even she can hear next door’s doors, but only when she’s sitting out back.

Anyway, Patty may not be perfect since we do still hear the dog a few times a week and she does slam her door, but she could be worse. One thing’s for sure, though, and that’s that her place stinks like hell! I could smell the cigarette smoke wafting out the back door, and her hair looked ridiculous. She’s got roots as dark as my hair is now while the rest of it is bleached so blond that it almost looks gray.

The rat’s running around loose now. I’m keeping the roll of Rolaids Tom had by his bed up on the table. He tried to run off with the whole roll yesterday!

We’ve got what’s the biggest spider so far that I’ve seen in between the front screen and window. It’s a big fat black crab spider.

TUESDAY, JUNE 14, 2005
Tom got to work overtime yesterday, so that’s $20 extra.

Patty got her usual morning company so Freckles got to get tossed out back. The fact that it was out there barely 3 hours after the first time it was out confirmed that she was getting it out of the way of the company. It gave a few barks, laid down for a minute on our patio, then as I figured it would, it barked a few minutes later to be let in because she was too lazy to stand at the door and wait for it. That’s okay, though. We’ll be out of here soon enough and she and her dog will be the memory that Bev and her grandanimals now are. We’ll still have to listen to shit wherever we rent a house, but we won’t be attached to anyone! In fact, the money’s doing so well that we may be able to move as soon as September rather than October or November.

His boss was all excited about Oregon being the next state quarter to be released that he gave everyone at work one. Tom said they were all making fun of him for making such a big deal of it. It is kind of strange.

Later…

That’s 4 times I had to hear the dog. Sometimes I want to run over there and say, “Enough is enough!” Now she’s got a second visitor. What is it with all this weekday company? I just don’t get it. Why do these people need to come and see her so often? She hardly seems that helpless or disabled (at least not from the neck down). She has no company on the weekends, which is weird. It’s always during the week. With most people, it’s the weekends that they have company. I wish she were like most people since there are more days during the week.

Anyway, the last two times I heard the dog was in front, though it’s getting old either way. I don’t usually hear the thing this much and if she could stop with the company, that’d really help. It’s the afternoon now, so she’ll probably take a break from the visitors soon enough. I hope the next person in here either has a dog of their own or doesn’t mind hearing it because I know whoever they are will be home all the time. Almost everyone in this area is. I just wish she’d quit with the company! If only she didn’t have that damn dog! She’d be close to the perfect neighbor, but you know that any neighbor of mine has to have some flaw.

Tom’s going to check out that new store called The Fragrant Flame this Saturday. Hopefully, the owners won’t have a death in the family or need to run to the hospital because their kid got in an accident or something.

Meanwhile, I feel like life is nothing but one big waiting game. Right now we’re waiting to move into a house. Then we’ll wait till we can move to Sacramento. Then we’ll wait till we can buy something. Then we’ll wait till we have the money to fix it up, and so on and so forth.

Either way, in about 80 days I’m never doing the house-sharing thing again! No more of this getting thrown back in time and into situations I thought I’d forever escaped! I’ll never live attached to anyone ever again even if they’re in a coma.

MONDAY, JUNE 13, 2005
I’m awaiting the Michael Jackson verdict, though being a rich famous black male, I’d say it’s rather obvious that he’ll get off just like they always do. If he doesn’t, he’ll be in a country club of a prison for 5 minutes and then the blacks will riot up a storm and we whites will have to be the ones to suffer again.

Will we get money from the queen, or will it get a nasty letter from me? Just a few days to go till we find that one out, though I’m going to wait and see what they say about my book before sending anything if she does fail to care to send us anything. It wouldn’t surprise me if she did blow us off. As I’ve said before, if you don’t care if your kids are homeless, why would you care about their birthdays or anniversaries?

I was going to wait till Paula decided to write, but then I said what the hell? I may as well send her a letter while I send one to Bob too, to see if he’s still alive. Next weekend I’ll be calling her.

Later…

Sure enough, another black walks. I’m sure he had an all-black jury, too. The whites ought to riot this time and beat the shit out of anything black that walks by. See, this is why I hate God and have absolutely zero faith in Him. What kind of a good God lets an obviously guilty child molester walk while I had to lose all kinds of freedom and money for exercising what I thought was my right to free speech against my own tormentors? It just makes me hate Him and the blacks of this world even more. Damn them all to hell! He’s going to really molest kids like crazy now. Especially since he knows he can get away with it. I think he always knew he could, but now he really knows it. The only way he might not have gotten off being as rich and as famous as he is would be if he were white, female or both. It’s so, so obvious he truly is guilty, too. Why would so many people accuse him if he weren’t? And of course his fans were cheering like crazy when he left the courthouse. I heard not one “boo” as he left, and I don’t know who’s crazier, him or his fans. And would the fans be so damn dedicated and loyal to him if he suddenly killed little boys right under their noses? I’m sure they would, and I’m sure he’d still get away with it, too. Tom thinks he walked cuz of money, and while I do believe that was a factor, I’m still pretty sure the root cause came down to race. It’s been this way since the 90s and God only knows how long it’ll continue to be. The blacks and the noise are the only two things I’m not looking forward to down in Sacramento, and while there may be more blacks there than in Arizona, hopefully it won’t be like Springfield had gotten to be. You couldn’t even walk down the deadest of streets there without seeing a black the last time I was there. By now there are probably more of them than whites.

SUNDAY, JUNE 12, 2005
The dye faded a couple of shades after the initial washing, as usual, but that’s why I always get dye a little darker than I’d like. There are still some gray hairs showing, but that only makes it look more natural since even 20-year-olds have a few strands of gray here and there.

Barb, at the publishing company, emailed me to say they just verified that my book isn’t spam. Because I had no text in the body of the email I attached it to, it came up as spam. Meanwhile, she says they should have an answer for me in about 5 weeks. Either way, she’s still going to reject it. I know it’s not a bad story, but it’s like with the singing, I’m better than most, but not better than all.

Later…

Next door was out gabbing, but I don’t know why. It’s not that nice. It’s only in the low 50s.

All I heard so far from next door was a few bumps and bangs and just one soft bark. That’s usually a prelude to an all-out barking fit, but not this time. I still worry she’s going to leave the thing out there all day if it ever warms up for good. As it is, it’s getting a little Arizona-like. I could see that when we went on our walk yesterday. More dogs are decorating more yards. Anyway, if she does start leaving it out, I’ll just go over there and let her know that in case she hasn’t noticed yet, leaving the dog out for long periods of time, means more barking.

I’m so tired of having to deal with other people’s dogs, and I hate it when other people’s kids interfere with our plans, too! That’s the main reason I don’t want any kids. Tom went down to check out this new incense store he saw advertised in The Nickel, and it was closed due to graduation.

I’m not surprised I still haven’t heard from Mary and I know I never will. I should’ve trusted the part of me that said not to bother writing to her because I always did say she was using me and that most people aren’t what they say they are. In other words, her insisting she was big on playing kiss and make up was nothing but bullshit. At least I got some stamps and stamped envelopes out of our brief reunion. What is a bummer is that I never heard from Marilyn.

I decided not to bother losing more weight. I know I could, but I don’t want to because it’s simply too much hunger for too long of a time. All I’m going to do is maintain my weight and that can be enough of a task as it is. My main goal is to save money on groceries and keep fit, not lose weight.

Meanwhile, Doe and Art O should have a lot to discuss with Tammy B and vice versa. Unless their addresses are no longer current, they each got very similar and very long letters from me. I used Mary’s envelopes to mail them in and mailed them myself when Tom was at work last Tuesday. I walked up to the second cluster of mailboxes. That one has an outgoing mail slot. Ours doesn’t because the duplex is a two-in-one residence. I mailed them in secret, knowing how paranoid Tom gets. It’s not that he would try to stop me, even though he may say it was a waste of time, but I know he’d be like, do what you have to do.

In the return address area, I simply wrote my name and the town and state. I didn’t write with any desire to reunite at the moment, and I probably never will want to reunite with them because their money just isn’t worth it, although I did give them the impression that all was suddenly fine and that I would write regularly.

As for why I did it and what I said, well, since Mary was paying for it, I thought I’d play with them a bit and stretch the truth into a little BS, just in case there ever is an opportunity for me to get any money out of them. Meaning that if there’s some chance they didn’t cut me out of their will, though I’m pretty sure they did, I don’t want my last words to them to be as nasty as they were. What I did may help in the future, if there’s any hope of getting any money to begin with. What I mean by stretching the truth is that I told them we lost our house, which is true, but rather than say it was because they fired Tom for not being a religious freak, I said it was because the old neighbors terrorized us and caused us to have to enter the witness protection program. I know they know about jail and that we moved to Oregon because they always have to know what’s going on with us, but I gave the jail saga a happy ending. Never did I use any racial slurs, but I let them know I’ve come to hate blacks and Hispanics more than they ever could and told them what happened. The only part of it that was fabricated was the part about entering the program. I also said that we have an eBay store (we once did) and that I’m selling dolls and incense and was able to keep doing that along the way. I told them we had to leave most of our belongings behind which is true. I also told them about the pictures that got published and said that my book was accepted and that it’s being edited and typeset, again, partially true, though I doubt they’ll accept the book. I said that we’re no longer in touch with his mother because of the way she used us and doesn’t care about anyone but herself (true) and that she’s been instructed to tell people we moved out of state, and not mention us entering the program. Well, she certainly wouldn’t do that if they did call/write to ask her about it! I told them what I like/dislike about Oregon, versus Arizona, and that we have plans to move to Sacramento. I told them I always did love visiting California (true), and that we even met Kate Jackson when she was signing autographs at a convention center (maybe that will be true someday)! I told them I still have too much animosity towards Larry and that I did not write to him, and by now I’m sure he’s dumped them all for good anyway. I can’t think of anything else of significance that I mentioned, and I didn’t save the letter. Oh, I mentioned how some of the DOs liked me and that they made my life a little easier, etc. I explained that I couldn’t give them an address or a phone number until the people who framed me, as well as others, were caught (I told them I exposed them to the media).

See, the object was to get in touch with them in a way that they would like, but that wouldn’t require us to play nicey-nicey, and the only way I could think of was to fabricate the program story. Without it, they’d wonder why I wrote a seemingly nice letter and failed to give them any contact info.

The only other things I remember telling them were trivial things like that I still like to sing and have pet rats, etc.

I told them that we were driven up here by FBI agents and US Marshals, using the places we really did stop at; the miserably hot truck stop in Arizona, Barstow, Merced, and Willows. I also said we spent time camping on the mountain in an RV that the program provided, then we were in hotels, then a furnished duplex, mostly true stuff.

I don’t know if they’ll believe it, but it doesn’t matter. Especially if they do plan to leave any money, and that’s going to be a lot more likely with a letter like this than the last fuck-you letter I sent them when we first got to Maricopa.

SATURDAY, JUNE 11, 2005
I’m dying my hair brown/black right now. In 5 minutes I can rinse it out. They’ve gotten better at keeping it from stinking so bad. Let’s just hope I covered it well and that it doesn’t fade too fast.
Patty’s dog just went off at the cats and she came out in her nightgown to fetch it. When is she going to realize that she can’t leave the fucking thing out there or else sooner or later it’ll find something to bark at?
We took our walk earlier and it was cold for starters. I can’t believe it’s mid-June!

THURSDAY, JUNE 9, 2005
What’s weird about these sweep sites is that they have links to discussions that aren’t even related to the sweeps at all, like the one where everyone’s bitching about a woman being released from a funny farm after just 8 years for stabbing her young son over 100 times because she thought he had AIDS (and let me guess – God’s gonna make sure she’s pregnant again real soon!).

My monitor is trembling at times. God’s really determined to fuck with this computer seeing that we don’t own much else!

Patty had her usual morning company – the dark blue car and a fiery red pickup, but I heard no barking other than what came from inside her place.

Next door laughed back and forth a few times in the early evening, as usual. I heard a girl and a guy the last time around.

I’m on a roll with my current book Unusual Circumstances.

I can’t get used to 1000 calories a day, so I’m going to keep the weight and jump back up to 1200.

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 8, 2005
Good news at Tom’s job – we hope! They’re talking about overtime starting next week, and extending into July. He doesn’t want to return to the 12-hour shifts, but he’d sure like to do 10s. That’d certainly help us get out of here.
If there was any barking or banging today, I slept through it. And without the earplug, too. It’d still be way nice if I could live somewhere where all I needed was either just the sound machine or just the fan when sleeping in the daytime, but as long as I have to live this close to others, it’s not going to happen.

TUESDAY, JUNE 7, 2005
Still no wins. Hmm. This is making me wonder if it’s not meant to be. After all, people are winning up to a dozen things a month. They’re small wins, but they’re wins nonetheless.

Tom and I both think the book will get rejected because it could’ve been better. That’s the problem with writing; no matter how good of a book you write, someone’s always got a better one. Something like that hardly seems meant to be for someone like me anyway, but at least I gave it a couple of tries and won’t waste my time trying for years as I did with past goals/dreams that weren’t meant to be. I think I’ve been doing what I was meant to do in life – live a life without lust while I wish we could have more money and quieter neighbors.

Tom made room on my C drive which is small compared to my D drive. He also had to glue one of the reflectors back on his bike that fell off, and while we were at it, we reglued Falling Star’s wig which had come off.

The weather’s been miserable. It’s keeping things quieter, but it’s also keeping me cold and the electric bill higher. All the heaters have needed to run day and night lately. Tom said that although they didn’t stick, there were a few snow flurries around lunchtime. We’re only going to be in the low 60s for the next week. Meanwhile, MA is in the 80s. Even so, the only thing I miss back there, especially now, is the beach. I’m definitely looking forward to not putting myself out on account of others anymore. Meaning, just like Tom said he wouldn’t spite himself by dumping his BOA shirts, well, I’m not going to stay in a cold climate and shiver my ass off just because people can’t shut up in warmer climates. I’ll fan them out, play music, whatever it takes, as long as we don’t have freeloaders for neighbors.

Patty had her usual morning company. Someone with a silver car this time. I could hear the dog barking through the wall, but that was not as loud as when it was in back. I wonder how the hell she can stand to have so much company when all the dog does is bark at the people she has over.

We didn’t think people would have yard sales on such a busy street as this which you can’t park on (though you can park on side streets), so if they can do it, so can we. We’ll wait till we get closer to moving, though, and if summer could ever get here and stick around for a few months, that’d help, too. I’m sure Patty and even Mom and daughter would come check it out. I only heard them go slamming back and forth once, that’s how much colder it is. It was 33º this morning when he left for work.

MONDAY, JUNE 6, 2005
Here’s something that ought to prove just how small this town is. A coworker of his said they saw us walking on Saturday, then someone else saw him on his bike on Sunday when he went to do the laundry.

According to his birthday gadget, I let him get with the extra money, it’s 3.9 miles each way to work. He’s burning just over 400 calories, counting both ways. His average speed is 12 MPH.

I’m now down to 124 pounds. I now know for sure why I was not only putting back the few pounds I’d lost but why I wasn’t losing more than a few pounds in the first place. It’s simple. I was overeating on the weekends and not cutting my calories low enough on diet days. So now I’m free to lose as much as I’d like. The question is, how much do I want to lose? Not that I’d want to go as low as 90, but I could go that low and still fit into most of my tops, dresses, socks and some shorts, but all else would need to be replaced. Having been heavy for years, I didn’t think I’d ever be thin again so I threw out all my small-sized clothes. I still don’t know for sure that I’ll lose a significant amount of weight, but if I do, Tom says there’ll be money for new clothes. Except for bras and underwear (though I shouldn’t need bras as much if I can deflate these 38C titties), I can get clothes at thrift stores or department stores where they’re cheaper. I never felt the need for expensive designer clothes.

I’ve learned that if I can just get through the first 3-4 days when I start a diet, I’ll get used to it. The drop to 1000 calories from 1200, which I did two days ago, was easier than the drop from 2000 to 1200. The only sucky thing about it is that if I do lose weight, I can never have more than about 1200 if I want to maintain it.

Only one soft yip out back and that’s it for today. Of course, having gotten up at 5:00, who knows what barking and banging might’ve gone on throughout the day?

SUNDAY, JUNE 5, 2005
It was cooler today, so it put a damper on next door’s hanging outside and going back and forth, but we had to hear from the dog twice. He heard a couple of yips that I managed to sleep through, then the thing took a fit after we got back from our walk. It was barking at someone in the house on the other side, then at something in back. Just when I was wondering if she was going to do something about it, she came out and got the damn thing. She’s just too damn lazy to stand outside with the beast.

We didn’t hear any banging, but I thought I heard what may’ve been someone knocking on Patty’s front door, then I heard a bang that was louder, but nothing that’d wake me up.

Tom feels that attempt number 3 to get into a house should be no problem. If he’s right, then we’re out of here in 119 days. We hope to stay in this neighborhood since it’s a nice one, but we’ll just have to see. As long as it isn’t connected to anybody, I’ll take it!

I know no bed is going to be a “magic cure” for us and make us interested in each other sexually, so when I finally do get a bed, I’m going to have to let Tom know that while research says couples should talk this out, I know sex isn’t something he likes to discuss, unlike every other guy in the world, and that rather than make him or myself be something we’re not, we should just forge ahead with the attitude that we’re going to continue on as friends. Or maybe we’re just not right for each other anymore. It’s just that I can’t imagine life without Tom the person. Tom the person is wonderful and so much fun to be with. Even I have to admit that giving him up wouldn’t be worth an occasional piece of ass. A woman is no more meant to be now than it was in the past, and it’d just kill me to give him up. I’d be losing so much more than I could ever gain. I’d miss him so terribly and I’d always wonder and worry about him. The thought of life without him is a very depressing thought, so maybe it really would be okay to leave things as they are. We’ve been doing just fine since before the sickos got me thrown in jail, so I don’t see why we can’t keep going as we have been. It suits us well, it’s what we’ve come to know, and it’s what we’re comfortable with.

Later…

Tom said it was so quiet today that he doesn’t even know if she’s over there. All I heard since getting up at 4:00 was next door slam back and forth a few times. Part of that is due to the weather. It just won’t stay warm. It’s almost like it’s fall again. Tomorrow’s supposed to be only 47º! I hate this state. If there’s one lesson I’ve learned in Oregon it’s to not assume any future dreams are impossible. I only assumed living in California was an impossible dream because just about all my other dreams were impossible. If anything, experience has taught me that if I want to go one way really bad, I should go the other way instead if I know what’s good for myself. Trying to undo what’s meant to be only gets me in trouble, as well as trying to make something be that can’t be.

I’ve decided how I’m going to handle his shit of a mother depending on what happens. If she cares enough to remember our anniversary and his birthday while my book gets rejected, she won’t hear from me at all. If she acknowledges our anniversary and his birthday and the book gets accepted, I’ll gently let her have it, probably by email. If she fails to send anything, whether or not the book makes it, I’ll blast the holy hell out of her via postal mail.

SATURDAY, JUNE 4, 2005
They obviously aren’t locking up cuz I heard them play musical doors till 9:30. I need to improve my spells. I really do.
Here’s something pretty fucked up. They’re saying that by Monday we’ll only have a high of 52º and a low of 32º. So we’ll be freezing in June! This may make it more peaceful around here, but it’ll also jack up our electric bill.
If they reject my book, I may use one of the benefits that’d bring and maybe write a story set back in the 70s when Kate was doing Charlie’s Angels and have her have a relationship with some chick. So it’ll be a romance with the hot-looking bitch of Charlie’s Angels. I’ll have to use my imagination and throw in some surprises along the way, but I’ll mostly have her be nice at times and a bitch at other times so that just when you think she’s gonna stay nice, she goes and does something mean.

FRIDAY, JUNE 3, 2005
For the millionth time, why can’t we get neighbors like us? Why do they all have to have some kind of annoying flaw(s)? Is anybody else as quiet as we are??? Next door has taken to banging. They fucking woke me up a couple of hours earlier than I planned on getting up, and Tom heard it while I was listening to music. He said he’s not positive it came from them, but the question is, is this going to become a regular habit? If it’s what I think it is, they’re going to drive me crazy. Crazy enough to swap rooms with Tom. I’m thinking that for some reason they may’ve gotten in the habit of locking their doors and are now knocking when they want to be let in. Either that or someone who lives nearby started visiting them by going into their backyard and knocking on their door. Tom thinks someone was hammering. Other than this banging thing they’ve started, I haven’t heard from them till now, their prime time. They’re out gabbing in the back, but I can’t hear them with the fan on. I’m just so glad they’re not as loud as blacks! Still, there’s nothing more frustrating than wanting to bass them out but knowing I can’t cuz we got Patty living with us. Besides, this isn’t Arizona where they’d simply go inside if they found it annoying. They’d run and complain to Pam.

Meanwhile, I’ve only heard the dog barking by the front door when she goes out to get something from her van or to water the yard. She just set up a sprinkler. First she did the back and now she’s working on the front. I’m sure I’ll hear the dog barking in back by Sunday. I never get to go more than a few days without hearing it, and she’s practically taken up residence in the backyard. And I thought Bev was out there a lot! What I wonder, though, is this: Has the dog barked while I was asleep and managed to sleep through it? Or has it just not happened to bark while I’ve been asleep?

I still don’t know why they need to see each other 50 times a day. What daughter would want to see her mother that often? Most would never want to live this close to their mothers. Especially when they’re young. If anything, they can’t wait to get out and on their own, away from their mothers. Like I said, God always has to make sure whoever’s closest to us does something annoying.

I wonder if the Sacramento people are like Arizonans who consider complaining a mortal sin, or if they’re like Oregon and MA where they’re quick to do so? If I had to choose, I’d hope they’d be like here because I’d like to be able to speak out about something that annoyed me without the risk of being jailed or killed for it, even if it meant I was more likely to be complained on for blasting my music.

I just hope rural Sacramento will at least be comparable to Maricopa, minus the sonic booms and hunters. That means we’ll get music and barking, but the barking won’t be loud like it was in Phoenix. I hope not, anyway. God knows how many people will come knocking on the door there too, but oh well. Hopefully, we’ll have a doorbell because then they’ll just ring that. If there’s no doorbell, though, they’ll knock on the door. I’ll also make sure the bells aren’t right outside wherever I sleep. Maybe, just maybe, we can fence at least the area around the house, but I won’t count on it. We couldn’t fence around Maricopa or on the mountain, but I’m glad we didn’t! It would’ve been such a waste and we lost enough money as it was.

I love it around here once we hit 10 PM. At that time Patty’s gone to bed and next door’s unlikely to be hanging out or going back and forth, so it’s nice and peaceful.

We have to remember to check the military base locations when we go to buy a place, and the hunting areas, too.

I hope they don’t have the your-land-is-my-land attitude that Arizona had. I didn’t think it was right for people to drive over other people’s land or to allow their animals to roam through it. They did this in Phoenix, too. I remember the Frisbee game Tom had to break up in our driveway, as well as the father who decided our driveway was a great place to teach his daughter to ride a bike. Oh, the stories we’ll have for years to tell others about Arizona!

They’re saying that by Monday we could be in for a high of only 52º and a low of 32º! I can’t wait to be back in a warm climate! After living in the desert for so many years, even 70º seems cold.

THURSDAY, JUNE 2, 2005
Today I got to wake up to someone’s stereo either on a side street in back or from inside next door’s place.

My weight still won’t budge, even though I’ve been stuck for a few days now. I haven’t been stuck this long since I took those anti-shit pills on the mountain when the lack of sleep was making me sick. It’s like my body simply does not want to lose weight. I go through this every time I try. Maybe someday I’ll learn that I’m not going to lose weight. If I were, I would’ve lost it by now. If my body holds its weight this easily, then it obviously needs it. If I keep up the low-cal diet it’ll only be because it saves money.

After nearly a month of sweeping, I haven’t won anything yet, though I’ll give it till we move. I don’t know why I don’t see a house here in Oregon when it’s so obvious that that’s where we’ll end up for a year, since I doubt we could get a 6-month lease. That’s okay, though, because we couldn’t save up in just 6 months anyway. As long as we’re not attached to anyone or have someone’s doors so close to us that come and go constantly, it’ll be okay, even though I’m not looking forward to another winter here. I know we’ll get barking, screaming and stereos, but at least we shouldn’t get all the other stuff and I can blast my music and have a little more privacy in a yard that belongs only to us.

I’ve been unable to keep the heat off at night for the last few nights. It’s either sunny and cool, or warm but cloudy.

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 1, 2005
Patty really makes me want to strangle her at times. Better yet, she makes me want to take a bat to that damn dog of hers! After I got up at 2 PM and was trying to wake up in peace with my coffee, I could hear the dog barking by the back door to be let out while she had her usual weekday visitor. The dog came barking out. A few minutes later it gave one bark as if to say, “Okay, I’m done. Let me in now.” When no one came to the door, it took a fit. So did I. I stomped madly and swore in the utility area, so that maybe – maybe – she’ll get the hint and start supervising the damn thing more! I’m getting sick of this throw-the-dog-out-back-and-forget-about-it trip she’s been on. She’s not the only one who lives here.

Why must I always get neighbors with something going on with them? There’s always something – noisy kids, barking dogs, blaring music, etc. Why can’t we ever get with someone as quiet as us?

We’re still not sure if she put the dog out yesterday because she took off and maybe thought she’d be gone longer than she was, or what, but we’ll do whatever we need to do if it gets worse. I used to hear it every few days, but it’s been escalating lately. A part of me wishes it was cold and snowy. Maybe then she wouldn’t leave the damn thing outside. But that would also cost us nearly $200 more a month and hinder us from getting out of here. Since I don’t expect to win enough money, if any at all, to get us out of Oregon this year, we’re just going to have to settle for a year’s lease in a house, but that’d sure beat staying here another year, which would be plenty of time to save up enough to get out of state comfortably. In the meantime, ah, to be detached and to have a yard all to ourselves, even if the next yard is still too close with a dog barking in it, and I know God will make sure I get next to little kids, barking dogs, blasting car stereos, or all of the above. It really sucks, this ongoing noise curse, even if it’s not nearly as bad as Phoenix or the NHA because we have enough of our own shit to deal with. We don’t need to deal with other people’s shit as well.

At least we’re not as broke as we were last fall! For a while there I seriously doubted we’d even survive those tough times. It was so stressful and depressing! We’re saving money while still having a life while we’re at it, despite what the neighbors sic on us. Tom’s been letting me have $30 a month for fun while he takes $10, mostly for scratch tickets, but this month I’m having him take all $40 for our anniversary and his birthday. I’m still trying to put off my teeth as long as I can till we’re at least out of this duplex. In a couple of months, we should be able to join one of the DVD clubs and get the upgraded radio version that’ll allow me unlimited song-skipping, unlimited usage, and no commercials. I’ll also sign up for a month of Webshots, but just a month. That way I can go back and get the premium pictures I’ve been missing. I figure there’s no sense in paying every month when I can just pay every 6-12 months and get what I’ve been missing.

Although not as bad as in Arizona, my allergies were acting up earlier, so I ended up taking a 3-hour nap after taking some Benadryl.

Later…

Today I got to wake up to next door going back and forth like crazy. They still are, though some of the banging I’m hearing could be car doors from across the street echoing between the duplexes.

Meanwhile, I’m still sweeping away but have yet to win anything.

With the way Mary used me, I can’t say I’m bummed that she quit writing, but I can say I’m bummed I didn’t hear from Marilyn. A thought crossed my mind about Mary. I still say it’s more likely a case of her giving me a taste of my own medicine since I won’t be her slave, but it could be that instead of going home around now, she’s really going to prison for a decade, and is too depressed or embarrassed to write. They’re really cracking down on wimpy mothers who don’t protect their kids. A woman just got sentenced to more than a decade for delivering a stillborn baby after cocaine was found in her system. I’ve been reading up on countless cases just like Mary’s where they’re going down for many years for failing to protect their kids. You just don’t allow someone to kill your kids these days and walk away after just 5 years.

I’ve been dieting for a week and a half, but have stopped losing weight. I immediately dropped from 130 to 125 in a few days, but I’ve been there ever since. I’m not surprised. I do hold my weight really well. There’s no way I’m going under the 1200-1300 calories I’ve been having. It’s just too hard. At least there’s no way I could gain this way and it’s saving us money. I’ve been stuck for two days and am due for my period, so this might be a factor in why I stopped losing, but I doubt it. I just don’t lose weight. Period. Not other than just a few pounds, that is.

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Last updated July 17, 2024