February 2003 in 2000s

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 28, 2003
This has certainly been a wet winter! This is the fourth rainy/cloudy day in a row. Even so, we managed to bomb yesterday, so I feel a lot better.

We didn’t think to pick up fencing supplies, but we did rent a handful of DVDs. We’re not sure yet if we’re going to rent from Blockbuster, get an online membership, or order HBO.

If Scot doesn’t show up within the next 4 hours, then we’ll have skipped yet another month. At this point, I still think August 8th was his last visit. I just wish I’d known it and known that the test would be as easy as it was, as it would’ve taken a lot of stress off of me, but it seems upstairs’ favorite pastime for me is to see me get all worked up and worried for nothing.

Got two letters from Mary yesterday. She basically said not to fret over Teddy Bear (oh, believe me, I’m not) and that she plans to speak out on Andrew’s behalf at the sentencing which is today. I’ll look online later on to see what I can find.

Also, my theory was right; it was Chavez filling Mary in on TB. I got a kick out of how she said she wished TB would be transferred back there so she could make her wish she’d never been born. I’m sure she would, too! Anyway, if there are more delays, I’ll send Teddy Bear’s letter in for Chavez to give to her, now that I know it’s Chavez, someone I got along with well enough and think I can trust. After all, she passed kites between me and that bitch Hope.

If not, Tom and I agreed to ask Mary if she could mail it for me. Tom said, “I agree with you. If they’re going to pull any more stunts, it’ll be right before or after the probation ends, so don’t give them any ammunition.”

Also, it’d be risky having Mary send it now as I’m not supposed to associate with her. This is why we agree it’d be best and much less risky to have her mail it for me after 10/30, cuz if they happen to notice I’ve been pen pals with her all along, though I doubt they will, it’ll be too late to violate me. Also, if it comes from Mary, it’ll look less vengeful because, in truth, I don’t want to deliberately set out to get TB fired. If that happens, it happens, but my number one goal is to give her a piece of my mind. I know it won’t change anything. Still, I want her to know how much she hurt me. Maybe she won’t be so quick to toy with people’s hearts and make her damn false promises in the future! Anyway, if Mary agrees to do this I’ll send her the letter, the address, and a note containing what to say. I thought she could make it simple and say, “This is a letter Jodi sent me to give you if you returned to Estrella while I was still there. She didn’t want to mail it to you directly because she didn’t want to get you in trouble.” Then she can add whatever else she wants to add to it as long as it’s not something like, “I’m going to kill you if I ever see you,” but I know Mary knows better than that. She can just scold her for hurting me and let her know that we both thought she should have a piece of my mind anyway.

Tom has a point when he said that me sending the letter directly to Teddy Bear right after I get off probation could look vengeful and like I’m just getting back at people, but with Mary sending it saying I had wanted her to give it to her if she saw her, it won’t look so bad.

Doing it this way will mean sending only one copy, of course, and I hope she’ll get to read every word of it before the sergeant seizes it, if she/he does. Maybe I should have Mary add a note to whoever opens the letter, asking to please be sure that she does get to read it, even if it ends up with the sergeant.

Lastly, she says I do a good job with fantasy writing.

Later on, after Tom gets up, we’re going to order that gown for Eve, plus gold shoe boots to go with it. Then, I’ll save up $75 as fast as I can and hope the Esme urban sport doll with the micro braids is still on sale. If not, I’ll continue saving till I have $110, and get the Esme mesmerizing doll. I’ll eventually get Sydney too, so I can have the entire line in that series.

Later…

As I sit here and type up a clip of Mary’s all about how Justin and his buddy used to rob girls they dated, it never ceases to amaze me how stupid she was. I mean, she had to have known about this long before they were taken into custody. Probably before they got all that serious with each other, which should have been enough right there to tell her what she was dealing with. In this day and age, Mary may be more intelligent than most people, especially her age, but her past stupidity makes my dumbest moves seem not so dumb after all. God knows I have a lot of regrets. There are so many things I said and did that I wish I didn’t, and so many things I didn’t say and do that I wish I did, yet Mary makes my most naïve years seem like I was a mature genius. The question is, how many more years would she have hung onto Justin if they’d never been captured? Till she had more kids killed by him? Till she was killed? It’s so sick and so sad. I mean, she describes the beatings and verbal abuse as utterly terrifying, yet a part of her must’ve liked it in a sick, twisted sort of way to have put up with it for so long. It’s not like she was trapped. There were people she could’ve gone to. They too may’ve had their problems, but none nearly as bad as Justin’s.

I once heard someone say that it makes no sense to believe in life and survival if you don’t believe in death and killing, and that’s so true. She should’ve shot him dead and then run like hell without ever looking back, just in case the pigs decided to charge her with murder and not self-defense. One can cry self-defense, but whether it’s true or not, it’s hit or miss as to whether or not that’s what the incident will be labeled as. I wouldn’t take my chances. Nonetheless, dogs kill people twice their size/weight, and so can people and I think that’s exactly what she should’ve done before things got so far out of hand. Animals kill other animals in order to survive, and if we people are technically animals too, then we should kill when it means protecting our own lives or those of our offspring if we have any.

She liked it. She definitely liked being abused. Same with Paula and Tammy who would no doubt be miserable today all over again, wishing she’d never married Mark, realizing just how similar he is to Dick and Bill, yet deep down, perhaps in a subconscious way, getting off on it, destined to find one Dick, Bill and Mark after another.

As for Paula – she could beat the shit out of 80% of the population which is part of what tells me she’s an abuse junkie, too. That and the fact that she keeps getting the same types. Abusers may be all someone like her could attract, but that doesn’t mean she has to keep saying yes to them unless she likes/wants what she’s in for.

Also, the way Justin treats men versus women makes me think he’s gay. Though he’s probably the type to never admit it or act on it, I think deep down he prefers male company what with the way Mary’s described him. His personality sounds like a true sexist, and most sexists, such as myself (with the exception of Tom and a few others) are gay. Just the way he’s all happy and cheery with guys while he’s abusive and disrespectful to women tells me this.

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 26, 2003
Another fun day of shopping. Almost. We were going to buy DVDs online. They have this thing where you get them in the mail, enclosed with postage-paid envelopes to mail them back in, but since it’s $20 a month, we decided to check out a store in Casa Grande before we commit to any memberships. Especially when I’m not big on TV in the first place. I’m very picky about what I watch. It takes a lot to interest and entertain me, whereas most people will watch just about anything. In fact, we may bump the bombing up to tomorrow instead of next Monday and maybe check out a store while we’re doing that. We’ll carry the bitch in her cage, put it on the truck, and cover it with a sheet, and the guys will go with us in a tank.

I’ve worked very, very little on my story since I first began it. I just can’t think of exciting things to add to the story while we get to know each other, get it on, etc. Oh, well. There’s no hurry. If I think of more to add to it, I will. If not, I won’t.

I was right about Tom being against the Teddy Bear letter. He feels the pigs will use it to frame me or cause some kind of trouble for me, and that it’ll also get her fired. I don’t know about getting her fired, but I doubt the pigs would use it against me. This is an entirely different situation than me being handed a threatening letter by a black pig who was friends with the “victim,” also a black.

On the other hand, I never would’ve thought that a molehill could turn into a mountain and that I’d be sent to jail for half a year for a supposed letter either, so you never do know. I don’t want Tom to be all paranoid, and also, letting TB know how I feel, as nice as that would’ve been, could never change things and isn’t worth the possible risks, no matter how low they may be.

I’ll just tell Mary to tell the DO who knows her that she’s a real jerk for leading me on and breaking my heart by not seeing me just as soon as I hear of the next delay.

No, I’ll do better than that. I’ll send the letter to Mary to give the DO to give to TB. Yeah, that’s what I’ll do, and now I want there to be another delay. Watch, though. Now that I’ve made up my mind to do this she really will leave this time around.

Since we agreed to go with barbed wire, and since Tom drives by hardware stores on the way to work, he’s going to start getting things little by little. A bushel of posts here and a bushel there, etc.

Now that the blacks are done with us on the home front, and since we rarely get people bugging us here, perhaps we won’t bother locking the gate. We’ll put signs out when expecting packages, telling them to leave them at the gate. Tom will talk to APS too, to see if we should do our own meter readings or what.

We’re probably not going to call a surveyor out to tell us the exact property lines as it’s pretty expensive and not worth the money when we can pretty much figure it out on our own. We may need to rent a chainsaw when we’re installing the fences to cut through the heavier brush around the washes, and maybe an auger as well. We need to pour in cement to steady the posts first, but we may not have to cement them all. Maybe just every other one. There are going to be about 120 posts in all and they’ll be 10’–12’ apart.

Tom was doing the puzzle I made for him, and naturally, he was doing it in slow motion. He made me one today with computer-related words, and of course I had it done in no time. I’m as great with word finds as I am lousy with crosswords.

Webshots still hasn’t taken the money for the mug, so that tells me I may be in for the same 2-week wait I was in for with Little Buddy’s mug before Christmas, but that’s ok. It won’t kill me to wait. Besides, it’s coming priority mail. Webshots is so huge that I can imagine just how many orders a day they must get on mugs alone!

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 25, 2003
Got quite a bit of updating to do. Most of it’s good, some of it is scary.

I was sitting at my computer last night when instantly, like a light switch, the spider vibes came on. I started at the north end of the house and worked my way down. Upon stepping into the little bathroom, the feeling intensified. I peered into the shower stall and there it was. This one was about an inch and a half. So I turned on the hot water and flushed it down the drain. At least that’s what I think I did. However, when Tom was up earlier today, I noticed what appeared to be a leg protruding from under the saucer we’ve had over the drain, but Tom insisted it was a scratch. Well, it wasn’t a scratch so we saw when he lifted the saucer. It was dead, but it was a spider. The question is, though, was it the same spider that survived long enough after I flushed it down by clinging to the side of the drain before coming back up to die? Or did it come up either the sink drain he forgot to close or the vent? The protruding leg didn’t exist earlier in the day or else I think I’d have noticed it. Either way, I said, that’s it. We’ve got to do something. So I cut pieces of screen and put them under the vents. They don’t make the perfect seal, but if these things are coming from the vents, it should definitely help. Tom still thinks the drains are the likely place. If that’s true, and I hope it is, whatever may be left living in them should be dead soon enough. Still, we’re going to bomb next week when he’s on vacation, and we also ordered vent filters from a catalog that might seal them up even better, along with making it better for allergies. That’s its main purpose, along with keeping things from falling down the vents, though that’s not a problem for us.

We actually did quite a bit of shopping today. We bought the 2-way satellite system for nearly $500. Someone will be out next week to install it.

Plus, we also treated ourselves to odds and ends from an online catalog. I got a bushel of pink scented roses, pink slippers, an ear wax removal thing to hopefully clean my fake canal, blind cleaners that will let you clean up to 6 slats at a time, a map of the US with slots to put the state quarters I’ve been saving, and a cheap $10 pair of pedals to use until they break, too. I should still jog, though. It works my muscles and heart harder, even though I know I’ll never be under 120 again in my life. Maybe not even under 125! I did lose 2 of the 3 pounds I gained, though, I know they’ll be back and that there’s no point in getting excited about it.

Tom got the truck running and even drove it around the land for a while. It still smokes a bit, though.

There are more things to write about, but I’m getting a little tired and have every PMS symptom in the book that’s physical. Fortunately, I don’t get the mental part of it these days, but right now I’ve got a backache and I feel like a water balloon.

Later…

I guess I’ll write some more. I’m not ready for bed or in the mood to do anything else. My tits are too sore to go jogging. Even with a good bra they still bounce somewhat. I miss my little mosquito bites instead of these 37” things!

Tom said that next month will be our final Bowflex payment, then we’ll never have to write another check again since we’re now paying all our bills online. That’s good since we don’t have address labels, and that way I can use all the stamps on Mary.

Tom pointed out that since the new house is about twice as far as the one that’s two properties across from next door, that house is probably 4 properties away which does make sense. That’d make it about 3,500 feet away. Still close enough to hear music in the open desert. Tom said he could hear what sounded like a worker’s radio coming from over there, but of course, I didn’t hear it in the house. It would have to be basey, like in a car stereo, to be heard in the house. I doubt I’ll hear their dogs in the house, but outside I might.

It’s been cool, windy and rainy which is part of what’s stirring up the spiders.

Anyway, Tom picked up my dolls yesterday, and I was wrong again. This is definitely Alex. I’d recognize the face anywhere. She’s also definitely black and definitely a redhead, and as funny as that combination may sound, it actually looks good on her. She has brown eyes and came with a green jewel in her belly button which I thought was a great idea and I glued a diamond in one of the Playboy doll’s belly buttons. Her legs, though, are kind of odd. They cross at the ankles if you have her in an upright position and spread outward in a seated position. She doesn’t have bending legs, though (she pivots at the waist), so she’ll always be standing. I have her leaning back with her legs crossed in a casual pose. Another thing is her wide crotch. It looks a bit odd, especially with her ankles crossed. To hide this, since her gold and white coat, which looks great on her in contrast with her dark skin, is rather open in front, I made a little skirt from an old black knit shirt. All in all, she’s a really nice doll. Nicer than Eve.

Eve’s just so-so. I didn’t realize her hair was as short as it is, but her brown hair is barely below chin level. It’s stylish, but I do prefer long hair. Her face is so-so. She has brown eyes and bendable legs. If I could, I’d either never have gotten her or I’d sell her for $20, but since neither is possible, I think I’ll make the best of her and buy her this really nice outfit from the site I bought her from for $15. Never have I found such a cheap site and I wish there were more like it! Anyway, all I have for her to wear right now is the cranberry satin Playboy robe that came with Karen.

As my luck would have it, both their stands are too tall for them. Their feet are a ½ inch above the bases. However, I’m using one of them for Karen who was never as steady on her own as Victoria is.

I decided not to bother getting any more Eve dolls, but I am considering adding the blond Barbie with the red hair tips and red gown that’s utterly gorgeous to my list. I doubt I’ll bother with Diva.

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 24, 2003
Last night we ordered the mug with Joy and Bailey’s pictures on it.

I just finished up some stuff for Mary. That visualization thing. I swear she must’ve copied the whole book! I was delighted to hear there’s no library in the Florida jail, though she’ll just write more poems and stories to make up for it. She loves to write! It’s not like she has much else to do anyway, and for someone who also loves to write and spent enough time locked in a cell as well, I can understand the constant need to write anything and everything. I just hope she doesn’t pester me about looking for stuff online or in stores to copy for her.

Paula left a message saying she got an additional year of probation and has two more cases pending. I still sense jail at some point, though.

She never said anything about the CD which kind of irks me. The least she could’ve done was let me know if she got it and if she had any problems with it or not.

Yesterday I asked Tom, “Why don’t you just call up Dave, tell him we’re just not sure when we’re going to get the truck running, and ask if he’d haul in the fences while we still have the money for them?”

Then he came out and told me that now that we’ve agreed to go with barbed wire, we can haul the stuff in the car, and I was like, well then what are we waiting for? Let’s get the show on the road once and for all.

I still have mixed emotions about us sleeping together. I still have no desire to get it on with him, nor do I want to have the desire to get it on with him. I don’t want it to be like it was in the beginning with me always wanting it while he’s full of excuses – he’s tired, he’s sick, he’s sore, etc. It really sucks to want someone with a barely existent appetite, just like it sucks to have someone smothering you all the time.

As for him, he still shows zero signs of desire himself, only he’d never admit that. Instead, he’ll blame either circumstances or me, even if it’s indirectly. Sometimes circumstances, fate, and other people really do prevent us from doing things, but there’s no reason, despite how busy we can be, for us not to get together unless neither of us is interested, and it really bothers me that he won’t admit his part in the lack of interest. There’s nothing to say I’m wrong about his not being interested, and I still believe I’m right when I said he also couldn’t admit his lack of interest in a kid. Yesterday, Little Fella was hounding me for attention. I made the comment to him as he sat on my shoulder that part of why I decided I didn’t want a kid was so that I could have a life and do things, and out of the corner of my eye I could clearly see Tom turn his head away as if to say, “I do not want to hear that subject.”

If I ever feel the need to “get it on” with someone again in my life, it’ll be with a woman with no strings attached. Meaning, it may be a good thing if she herself was attached. Tom is who I love, just not who I lust.

Supposedly, the latest story with the truck title is that it got mixed up or something like that and the guy claims he’ll get it squared away with the DMV, then leave it inside the white truck once he gets it, but I know he’s just telling stories. Why can’t people just say so when they don’t want to do something?!

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 23, 2003
In just two days I’ve gained 3 pounds, and of course, it could never be the other way around. I could never lose 3 pounds in two days. Because I was stuck for a couple of days and am due for my period, I’d like to think that maybe it’s water retention, but I don’t know. I don’t need much of a reason to gain weight.

I remember Mary once said in one of her letters to me how she had to work for her abs and for her overall appearance, but at least she gets results from her hard work while I work so hard for so little. I lose a few measly pounds that I have to struggle like hell to keep off, and that’s it. Meanwhile, no matter how much muscle I may build, it’s always smothered in globs of fat I know I could never lose unless I was sent to one of Hitler’s old concentration camps and starved.

I’m sending the last Estrella letter to Mary this week till she contacts me about the millionth delay.

Also, since she didn’t object, I’ll be sending questionable items to her aunt to hang onto that I don’t want to mail to jail.

Little Fella’s obsessed with me. Rats are supposed to be nocturnal, but unlike his roommate who sleeps most of the day, he’s always up wanting to come out, run around and explore, and get attention from me. He still loves to climb all over me.

A few more pictures of me were downloaded from my albums. Later on, we’ll order a mug from this site. Assuming I like it, I’ll order a few more, then get back to the dolls I want. I still may get basic Eve. The one dressed in a business outfit is similar though still different from Tyler’s. It’s a really nice doll. I pretty much only got the ones I should be getting tomorrow cuz it was the only site that had such a wonderful deal. I’m sure I’ll still like them, though. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t have gotten them. However, Business Eve and Saffron Sunset Eve will be much nicer. That’s why they cost so much more.

Anyway, I’m hoping the mug will arrive sooner than two weeks. The Little Buddy mug took that long because we ordered it right before Christmas. At least, I think that’s why it did. We’ll find out.

What is this black history month shit they’ve been advertising all month on my radio? That was supposed to be last month. It’s like every month is blackie month! Black this, black that, black everything!

Today’s the day Tom will be going on the roof to hopefully screen off the drainpipes with no problem. At least we haven’t seen any 6” spiders out here or those giant cockroaches. Tom says the cockroaches aren’t native to Arizona, so we shouldn’t see them out here. I often chide myself for being scared of something so much smaller than me, yet if a giant man came after me, I wouldn’t be scared, I’d be furious.

Tom almost got the truck running yesterday, but because of a cable he had disconnected earlier, he couldn’t get it started because he couldn’t remember which cable it was.

The CD player wasn’t broken. As it turned out, it was trying to read music burned at too high of a speed which is too fast for this 20x player. My burner/player in the office is 48x. I had been burning at 24x, but now I’ll burn at 12x like Tom used to.

Well, I saw the end last night in my sleep, so it looks like yes, everything will be ok. I dreamt of my final meeting with the cheeks. What’s scary, though, is as Teddy Bear taught me, the people you least expect to can suddenly turn on you. All he’d have to do is rip up and destroy my report sheet and claim I skipped. I doubt he’d do this, but it’s just as scary to know that sometimes people we barely know can have just as much of a hold on us as those we know really well.

I still have conflicting emotions about Teddy Bear. A part of me says, do it. Send the letter and get her fired. You’re the one that always bitches about how you can’t fight back against those who’ve fucked with you, yet here’s your chance.

However, I don’t want to get her fired which I can’t imagine being the case anyway. I just want her to know how I feel, even if it won’t change a thing.

A part of me still longs for her, as crazy as it may sound. Meaning, as much as I’ve come to dislike her for what she’s done to me and probably countless others, I’d probably be dumb enough to see her if she suddenly wanted to, though I know she never will.

I just can’t believe how wrong I was about her! I never would’ve thought in a million years I’d be just a game to her and that she’d be such a liar. She should go to bars if she wants to tell people she’ll see them that she knows she won’t. Meanwhile, if she’s got to flirt, can’t she do it without leading people on and making false promises?

There I was thinking she was the relationship type but had I met her under other circumstances and ended up getting together with her, it would’ve turned out to be nothing more than a one-night stand.

Even though it’s against my better judgment since kilns are simple with just a heating coil and since I’ve never had an oven break, I’ll get the damn kiln. One serious problem, though, and it’s gone. I’m not going against God and trying to do things he doesn’t want me to do only to end up punished for it.

Tom did the right thing by fighting to get our house payments lowered, but I still worry about what might happen to us for it. Remember, all it took was for me to look Jewish and lodge a city complaint to get thrown in jail. Along with being dumb enough to touch something a pig handed me. If prints could be moved/copied, I’d never send the Halloween letter, but I sent Tom a pretty Webshots postcard and asked him a few questions about it anyway. That way he can read it at his leisure. I asked if he thought it could get her fired and if he thought anything could happen to me for it, and if so, what. He’s even more cautious and paranoid than I am, so he may tell me something could happen.

Yeah, something could happen to me just for breathing. Nonetheless, I’ll take till Halloween to think about it and decide: do I take my chances and say what I’ve got to say? Or do I keep my mouth shut based on what-ifs?

Later…

I really hope the dolls are there by tomorrow as I just went to check to see if they’re still selling (they are) and there was a notice from the owner of that site/store saying that her mom died, so she’ll get to pending orders ASAP.

Later…

The good news is that the drainpipes are now screened off. There were 3 of them. One in the small bath and two in the big bath. Since we don’t know if anything is living in the part of the pipe between the water and the opening, we’re going to keep the drains blocked in here for about a week, giving whatever may be in there time to starve off.

The bad news is that he’s completely stumped with the truck. He knows what the problem is, but can’t find it. And something’s not trying to get in our way? Right!

At least there’s more good news. I downloaded a really cool program that lets you make your own word-find puzzles. I had something like this back in the old house and thought it’d be a really neat thing to share with Mary. I sent her a puzzle with names/words either one of us or both of us can relate to. If she likes it, I’ll send more, wherever she is.

I even printed out one for Tom with doll names, and one for his mom and Paula, too.

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 21, 2003
Kelly picked up my postcard yesterday but didn’t respond, so that tells me she doesn’t wish to be pen pals with me which is ok. Being pen pals with Mary is enough. I got some drafts from her today, but she still hasn’t answered my question about what else was going on with TB. I don’t know why she doesn’t always answer my questions. Doesn’t she scan through my letters when she responds to me? I just hope she’s getting all my letters. I worry about that when I don’t get answers to some of my questions.

My calves are a little sore still. I didn’t realize just how little the pedaling was doing for me. Jogging, as boring as it is, really does work the muscles and the heart more. So, losing the pedals was no biggie after all. Just the $70 we’re out, but you know God loves to see us lose money! He’s probably up there right now trying to figure out how to break me. It seems I have had all kinds of interruptions and interference over the last few years of working out. Especially since we got the Bowflex. What? Does he want me to sit on my ass and get gigantic? Well, I ain’t no skinny-mini. I’m still a pretty plump girl even though I’m now down to 125. That’s mainly cuz of yesterday’s water pill. Of course, I won’t shit today either.

So I’ve lost 8 pounds in 7 weeks. I don’t think I can get down to 105-110, but maybe to 115-120, though I still doubt it. It’d still be nice if I could drop under 125 at least a little as that’s when I really start seeing a difference in how I look and feeling a difference, too. It’s easier to get around under 125. I’m more flexible.

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 20, 2003
No nocturnal nightmares so far tonight. I’m sure they’re just outside the door, though, screaming, “Let us in! We know you’re alone in there!”

Got my shipment confirmation, so that’s good. They were shipped yesterday morning. From where I don’t know, but priority mail is supposed to be 2-3 days anywhere in the US, so it doesn’t matter. Hopefully, they’ll arrive without a problem.

Tom got his tools and installed my new mouse. It’s way better. The only thing I don’t like is the bumpy roller wheel. I can certainly live with it, though, as opposed to the jerky junk I was using before.

Soon, I’ll get Mary’s draft out of the way so I can give Kate my undivided attention.

Later…

Guess I’ll bitch about the latest thing of ours to break till the dogs come to bark over the pipes.

The fucking CD player in my MP3 station’s now broken! The biggest non-believer of curses in the world couldn’t deny we have a breakage curse on us. Tom has another one he can install, but this is fucking ridiculous. He said that at least we have the money to buy all this stuff, but what’s the point? Why have money to buy stuff that’s just going to break? There’s no way I’m getting a kiln with the way our shit breaks. I even wanted to forget about the recorder, but Tom said we’d only be out $15 if that broke. Perhaps I’ll get that, but no kiln. Besides, making dolls is such a hard, complicated thing. That’s why they’re so expensive. I don’t think I could learn all there is to learn to be a good dollmaker.

Speaking of complicated, I’m not watching this damn TV anymore either. Not with the way he’s got it set up. I expected it to be better and easier, but instead it’s enormously complicated and there’s always a problem. TV is no big deal to me, though, like music, writing and reading are, so it’s no big loss. He said we could rent DVDs and that he’d make a Dead Zone and Charlie’s Angels library for me to create stills out of, and that’s fine. As long as he’s the one dealing with it and not me.

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 19, 2003
Got up at 9:30 PM, about two hours before I’d have liked to, and my day has not been off to a great start. If there’s one area in psychism I’m just about 100% accurate with, it’s sensing the spiders. The moment I got up and stepped out of the bedroom, I had that all-too-familiar sinking sensation in the pit of my stomach, telling me a nocturnal nightmare awaited me somewhere within this 2,100-square-foot house. I figured, why shouldn’t there be? I’m alone, after all.

I checked my bath. Nothing. I checked the kitchen, another favorite place for the damn things to hang out. Nothing. That left one more hot spot, though I wasn’t awake enough yet to think about it. Instead, I had my coffee, fed the animals, fired up my PC – the usual things I do upon waking up.

An hour later it was shower time. I stepped into the stall in the small bath, looked up at the ceiling, and there it was, my nighttime terrorist. I flew out of the shower stall and ran for the Raid. I sprayed at it, but it was useless. It was too high up and I was too short. Noticing the thing was barely a foot from being over the shower stall, I decided to grab the broom and try my best to swat it into the shower and I did, only I couldn’t see it! I beat the broom hoping it was just hung up on it, reached in and turned on the hot water. Still no spider. Even if it was curled up, I knew I should see something that big. Then I spotted it on the sunken ledge by his shampoo, stepped in, yanked the shower massage off the hook and scalded it down the drain.

I am so sick of these terrifying creatures! It isn’t just that they’re so big in diameter that scares the shit out of me, it’s their thickness as well. Assuming that they are coming up through the drains, I’m now going to get us both in the habit of keeping all the drains plugged when we’re not using them, except for the kitchen and washer. I’ve got upside-down saucers blocking the showers and stoppers plugging up the bathroom sinks and tub.

I just hope to hell they’re not coming up through the vents. I wish Tom could get up on the roof and put screens over the drainpipes and under or over the vents! Better yet, I wish he could just shove the whole house inside a giant Ziploc bag!

I’ve seen bigger than this one which was a little over an inch in diameter, but its fat body and legs were enough to make my heart jump so fast that if it could move, it would have been all the way back in Phoenix by the time I got the thing down the drain. And of course, now I’m all willied out. I have the creeps for the remainder of the day after spotting one of these things. I see them everywhere. On the walls, on the ceilings, in the cabinets, on the dolls, in the fridge, in the microwave.

I swear I will never have under-the-house ductwork again! If we don’t get rich off this place by the time he’s 55, then I just may very well be ready to go to a retirement community and listen to granny’s yipping poodle to the left, and grandpa’s screaming grandkids to the right. Better that than these terrifying creatures. Hell, I’d rather the old welfare bum pull up alongside the house with its bass thumping wildly, cuz then all I’d have to do is go out and break its neck like I should’ve nearly 7 years ago.

To make matters worse, my calves are on fire today after yesterday’s 5-song jogging spree (this tells me the pedals weren’t working my calves as hard as I thought they were) and all while I couldn’t find the thing, I’m jogging for fear of it taking me by surprise and running over my foot. Now my calves will be sore for a year!

We’re going to report first thing, then hit Walmart and Office Max. The cylinder head came yesterday after I went to bed (I never heard a thing, although he could’ve flown outside before the driver got a chance to knock), so Tom needs to get oil and other things.

My story’s going well, though I don’t know how far I’ll take it. I’m just writing whatever I feel like writing like Mary does. I started off with anonymous narration, but that was too hard cuz of the years of doing journals. I just couldn’t break the I, me, we, us, our habit, so I’m doing it in the first person.

Later…

Poor Tom. He got in at 4:30, and thanks to the blacks, he can only sleep till 7:15 (we’re leaving at 7:30). Someday. Someday the blacks won’t own us and dictate when we sleep, where we go, etc. I’m going to be pretty beat myself when we get in, thanks to them, as I’ll have been up for quite a while by then.

I toyed with the idea of telling the cheeks to tell his little friends at the courthouse that if I hear so much as one more word pertaining to this shit after 10/30, I’ll file the biggest lawsuit imaginable, hoping it would cause the arrogant corruptos to rise to the bait so I could catch them in their own fuck-ups now that I know the laws, and end up really rich. However, I’d really rather not play any more games after 10/30 with this state unless they force me to. I need to get on with my life, even if that means getting on to new problems as well. Besides, like most people, I don’t threaten, I just do. Anyone with half a brain knows that 90% of those who make threats of whatever kind are just blowing off steam. Those with true intentions almost always act without warning. I don’t need to make threats or give this state an ultimatum. Instead, I’ll let the ball be in their “court.” If they mean it this time about dropping it on 10/30, so will I. If not, I’ll either fight back the right way this time and win, or I’ll run and not give them the time of day.

I asked Tom, and he said going up on the roof, screening off and clamping the drainpipes should be no problem. It’ll be his first time up there. Better for this than to replace an old roof!

Not that I’d change my ways if they could, but I sometimes wonder if the renters can hear my music blasting at night. They gotta have single-paned windows in that old junker they live in. If they can hear it, they’re not reacting like most Arizonans would. See, in the East, you complain about your neighbor’s loud music. Here, you just turn yours up louder.

I got a letter from Mary with a draft she said to try not to have a hernia over (I haven’t gone over it yet) and let me know she’d pass any messages I may have for Teddy Bear to this DO (she doesn’t think I know her) to give to her. I told her thanks, but no thanks. If I sent in my letter for her to give Johnson, she may not do so. I want to send the letter directly to her so I can know for sure she gets it. As I asked Mary, though, how’s this DO in contact so often with Johnson if they’re working in different jails? Are they friends? Lovers? What?

I started getting cold feet about the letter idea, and told myself, don’t send this letter. Complaining is what got you in so much trouble in the first place, and this was complaining about someone who knew a pig. Now you want to take your complaint directly to a pig? You could be setting yourself up for your next long-term problem!

Now I’m not sure what to do. Do I take my chances with an officer already known to do what I’ll be talking about in my letter and who’s the same color, or do I continue to let it go?

They can’t transfer my prints; that much I do know. She couldn’t set me up by lifting my prints off the letter, smashing a window in her place, moving or copying my prints to the window casing, and then claiming I broke in.

And what if I get her fired? A part of me still worries about that. I don’t want to trash her life for doing what she did to me, not that she couldn’t get work elsewhere, even if she might not like it as much or get as much money. She broke my heart, not every bone in my body. On the other hand, I know better. County and government workers and very hard to get fired. She may be questioned, but that’s about as far as it’ll go, and no, I can’t imagine her coming and shooting me for it. Of course, I also couldn’t imagine her being a lying flirt, either.

Gosh, I just don’t know what to do! I shouldn’t worry about it right now, though. I mean, I’ve got 8 months to decide. All I know is that if I do anything, I want myself off probation and Mary out of that jail. She may be a heartbreaking flirt, but she’s not stupid. She’s going to know I got my info from Mary, and although she may never return to Estrella, I want Mary out of there first. Just one trip to Madison for a court appearance or hearing with Johnson on duty – well – you just never know what could happen to an Ad-Seg girl all alone, so I have to think of protecting Mary and not just myself.

I began my little story, and no, Teddy Bear isn’t my costar! I decided to use Kate. I’ve got about 7 pages done. I’m doing it by dates instead of chapters. Mary’s writing style has greatly inspired me to become a better writer. Now just let my punctuation keep on inspiring her and we’ll be even, I told her! To hell with worrying about spelling. The PC fixes that. Although its subject matter may be rather odd, I’d say it’s pretty well-written. As I said, Mary helped with that by showing me other writing styles.

Later…

Still no shipment confirmation, but the day isn’t over yet. Hopefully, they’ll still be shipped today, but I won’t count on it.

Scot wasn’t in today. Instead, I was seen by the same lady who got the honor of watching me pee. She seemed so nice. I’ll bet most of them are friendlier than Scot. Scot’s a pretty serious dude, though he’s improved with time. Maybe that’s cuz we’ve known each other for so long now.

When this lady asked if I was working and I told her I was a homemaker, she said, “Oh, so you do work,” I wanted to hug her. She agrees that too many people think all we do is sit on our asses and do nothing.

After reporting we went to Walmart where we got screens and pipe clamps for the drainpipes, among other truck-related items.

While he was gathering up this stuff, I did some shopping of my own. I bought shoes for Chris, but the damn things are too small. It figures, too. See, there are infant, toddler and children’s shoes, and I got infant-size when I should’ve gotten toddler. Makes me all the gladder we don’t have kids! What a bitch shopping for them would’ve been, and by the time you do figure it out, they’ve outgrown whatever it is you got them. Anyway, they were only $2, and I’m sure I’ll have some doll at some point that can wear them. They’re pink and black slightly stretchy sneakers. They have no ties or clasps of any kind. The feet just slip right into them.

While they had a surprisingly lousy selection of slippers and no sundresses, they sure had a lot of other summery clothes. They had some awesome shiny swimsuits too, but I’ll wait till we get the inflatable pool.

Instead, I got new underwear which I’ve been needing for quite a while. From the clearance section, I got a matching black bra and panty set with round colorful shiny sequin-like things on them, and then I got a shiny green pair of panties. Then I grabbed a 5-pack of string bikinis in white, yellow, blue, pink and purple, so I’ll be set in the panty department for a while.

At Office Max, they didn’t have any keyboards with built-in mice which we want for the TV. We also want to build a cabinet to put the keyboard, computer and monitor in.

I got a new mouse for my computer cuz the one I’ve been using really sucks. It has lousy control, and its side-clicker, which I have set to double-click, is fucked up. It either only clicks once or sometimes it clicks too much. This mouse has scrolling wheels and programmable buttons so I can choose what command I want to use them for. It’s a nice one and fits in my hand perfectly. It’s an optical mouse that uses no roller ball for better control. That’s why the thing was $50. Or was it $60? Either way, it was worth the money. I have very long fingers, but tiny hands, so it’s not always easy to find a mouse that feels comfortable in my hand. The mouse I use for my MP3 station is actually a child’s mouse.

We also looked at digital and old-fashioned little handheld recorders. After deciding that I have enough complicated modern technology to learn these days, I figured I’d settle for the old-fashioned kind. I didn’t get one today because we can get them cheaper elsewhere. The kind with microcassettes would suit my needs just fine anyway. All I need is a play, rewind, fast-forward, record, and stop button, as I told Tom. I only want it for leaving notes for journals, letters, or stories when my computer is turned off. I don’t need anything that will play select notes, since I plan to type in all the notes I speak in, the next time my computer’s on, then rewind the tape and start over.

“But this one will let you talk for 105 minutes for $10 more,” Tom said as we were browsing through them, and I was like, “How many notes can I possibly have, Tom? I’m not going to get into a whole conversation with myself. It’s just to grab it off the nightstand as I’m falling asleep and happen to remember something, then say something like “Remember to tell Mary to ditch Teddy Bear’s letter so I can play it back when I wake up and fire up my PC.”

Anyway, a simple one is all I need. Besides, the simpler things we buy, the simpler it’ll be to fix when they break. Getting an intricately designed pair of pedals makes for quite a nightmare to fix. I still don’t believe he’s going to be able to fix them, but that’s ok, jogging won’t kill me. It might even be better for me and give me more muscle and endurance as long as I don’t put too much of a bounce in it. I’m not going to drag my feet, but I’m not going to lift them all that high either. Not more than 2-3 inches. The most important thing anyway is elevating my heartbeat for a while to help keep my weight stable, even if I can never lose anymore.

After we got in and Tom crashed, the barking began. Knowing it was about the pipes, I ran out front and shooed off next door’s beast. Tom’s sleep was more important than any poor loser with sensitive eggshell-like feelings, though if anyone saw me run the damn thing off, I wouldn’t know it. I would still prefer it if I wasn’t seen, knowing how people are out here, cuz once we got the fence, they’d probably take a wire-cutter, snip an opening and shove their dogs through it just to get at me! Westerners can be so sensitive and so spiteful.

I know now why there were so few strays in Phoenix as opposed to back east. It was because of the strict laws out here. Also, most dogs out here aren’t cooped up in houses all day and night. They’re left to live outdoors so they can bother their neighbors. Here in Maricopa, I wonder – does anyone care? Does anyone give a damn about their dogs? Would they care if a snake bites them when they’re active? Would they care if someone shot them? Somehow I doubt they’d even notice they were missing, and if they did they’d have a new dog to replace it the next day, which, of course, would never enter the house.

Anyway, once we enter March I’ll be able to vibe whether or not the fences will be here that month, even if they’re not completely up, just like I did when it turned February. I had no fence vibes at all. I had fence vibes for the first week of March, but they’re fading. It’s like something wants to torture me with other people’s dogs!

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 18, 2003
I had Tom delete the voice recognition program. It was fun to play around with it just to do something different, but it was hit or miss. I used it for part of Mary’s letter, leaving in all its mistakes just so Mary could have a good laugh. I said, “If Teddy Bear gets in trouble for my letter, I don’t give a shit,” but it came out as “I don’t give a share.” This is true, too. I mean, perhaps there’d be a little guilt, but not much. It takes an awful lot to win me as a friend or more, but only a second to lose me. After the shit she’s pulled and the emotional pain I suffered on account of her, it’s just like with my family; I no longer care either way what happens to her. If my letter happens to get her fired, although I doubt it will, so be it. Just like I’d tell the blacks who claimed that my complaints got them evicted; they all should’ve thought about the possible consequences of their actions before they acted.

We talked about it, and as soon as the money’s available, we’re going to get me a twin-size waterbed, since waterbeds are my favorite, and this air mattress really sucks with its worn-out foam at the sides. Then, we’ll roll Tom’s plain double bed into the master bedroom. Both beds will fit side by side in that room easily enough. Lastly, we’ll roll the old airbed into the guest room.

Tom knows and understands that it’s not going to be so easy for me to adapt to someone else sleeping in the same room, as light of a sleeper as I am. Especially when I’m not forced to do so. In jail, it was different as I had no choice, thanks to the blacks who put me there. If only he didn’t snore so much, it’d be a lot easier. But because of that, if I’ve got an important appointment coming up or am overtired, he’ll have to sleep in the guest room. I’m not overly thrilled at the idea of doing this simply because I like my space and to sleep alone and that’s what I’m used to, light sleeper or not, but because I love him, I want to give it a try. It’s not like I’m locked into anything. If I want to be alone, I can always ask him to sleep in the guest room.

Surprisingly, I woke up at 126 lbs.

Another suspicion this thing with Johnson confirms is my belief that yes, she’d have gone further if given the time and opportunity. Had I been there just a little longer, I’m virtually certain she’d have made a move on me, if only just to kiss me. Just not with Misha around. No, she’d prefer to kiss someone in front of 130 others, not just one facing the wall with a blanket over her head.

I’m not going to lie, though. I still sometimes see her in my mind’s eye and long for her, wishing she’d kept her word about seeing me and not turned out to be like a typical male who’s got to play the field.

Kelly hasn’t picked up the postcard I sent which means she probably hasn’t gotten my response to her email either, which means that she might not like me that much after all. She may still consider me to be one of her nice-looking patients, but I know that if I liked someone, I’d check my mail more often. So, that answers my question about her, you could say.

I started my Kate story. To keep it geared more towards fantasy, I’ve omitted Tom altogether, but I kept Mary in the picture so she could watch my apartment while I’m in this hotel-like jail.

Stories are fun, because, unlike with real life where you pretty much go with the flow, you’re in the driver’s seat in the story. You control its destiny.

I did my jogging earlier. I figured low-impact jogging to about 5 songs a day would be sufficient to keep any weight off that I’ve lost and may continue to lose. Later I’ll do some exercises, particularly my abs.

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 17, 2003
Tom loaded some voice recognition software for me to use. It isn’t perfect, but it is nice to have anyway. I have to speak my punctuation so it knows where to put it. It puts two spaces between sentences. Now I will go do some of Mary’s drafts and see if it helps with that by making it go faster.

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 16, 2003
It’s warmed up a bit out there since the heat never went on last night. The morning’s fog was like – wow! I looked outside at 8 AM, an hour before I went to bed, and could barely see Meadow Green or even Ralston. When I looked in back, the middle rental was barely visible and the furthest one was completely invisible.

I received an order confirmation from the site where I ordered the nudes. Both dolls will come to $67 with shipping and handling included. Not bad for top-of-the-line fashion dolls such as Alex and Eve. She says she plans to ship on Wednesday and will email to confirm it. They’ll be shipped by priority mail which is way more reliable, but as fate would have it, they’ll probably arrive Saturday which means I’ll have to wait till Monday to get them. How I wish we had mail service out here! You’d think we’re getting closer with the way it’s building up out here.

This coming week we’re also expecting the cylinder and a toolkit via UPS that Tom got with bonus points from work. Last time around he chose one of their yearly planners.

At some point over the next few days, he’ll be installing a voice recognition program on my PC. Because my PC’s faster now, it may work well enough and make doing Mary’s drafts even faster till the thing breaks. Especially when I have so much stuff. I got a good chunk of it done yesterday, though, and currently have about 30 more pages to go. Once that’s done I’ll get on with a project that both Mary and a dream inspired me to do. I’m going to write the book that Andy and I talked about because I know it can’t possibly be jinxed into coming true what with all I know today about our corrupt laws. I know too much now to be tricked and manipulated like I was before.

It’ll be part reality, but mostly fantasy, and no, Johnson won’t be my costar. I decided on Kate Jackson as my object of lust and ultimately love. The jail we’ll meet in will be totally unlike any jail that could exist in reality. For the most part, anyway. It’ll be based on the one I saw in my dream.

Anyway, it’s nice to know we can afford all this stuff we got, but I’m a little overwhelmed right now as I feel like I have so much to learn! First about the TV/computer setup, then maybe, just maybe, dollmaking. I’ll probably end up learning more this year than in the last 5 combined. Only difference is, instead of learning about corrupt laws and how to trim my bangs with nail clippers, I’ll be learning more technology-related stuff.

Later…

Well, that explains why I thought the Alex doll I’m getting looked a little different than the other Alex dolls. It’s not Alex. It’s her friend Paris.

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 15, 2003
Got another few pages of drafts from Mary, but no bear additions. I’m way behind on her stuff cuz of all the other things I’ve been doing, and yesterday was spent mostly writing up the bear.

Earlier Tom and I ordered the Alex and Eve nude fashion dolls. Now all we have to do is hope we don’t get ripped off. If they ship them Tuesday, though I’m sure there’ll be some problem/delay, I should have them Friday.

Tom also moved my music folder to the D drive, so now I use the C drive for text and graphics and the D drive for music. A, of course, is my floppy drive and E is the CD player/burner.

Tom and I both agree the one thing we don’t like as much about the new computers is that their fans are louder. However, it helps to curb problems that could occur, even if our stuff likes to break anyway.

In case I didn’t already mention it, Tom sent me a really cute animated Valentine’s card with cat pictures. I emailed him a card too, though it wasn’t animated. It was a polar bear with a rose in its mouth.

Tom says that by the end of the weekend, the new TV setup is going to be easy. He said something about setting it up to change channels with the satellite and doing all the changes on the computer. Whatever, I told him. As long as it’s not going to take me a year to learn to record/edit things, though I’m going to do the editing from my computer.

Right now he’s working on the pedals. He said it was just a matter of throwing some epoxy on the piece that broke inside. He thinks one of the pulleys that drives one of the belts is what broke.

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 14, 2003
Before I get into the main highlights of Mary’s mail, she asked if I heard or seen on the news how Justin claimed he was hypnotized. No, but I’m sure I’ll hear all about it in her drafts. That’s a good one, too. What will the sick fuck think of next? Will he claim he was abducted by aliens that forced him to kill Gretchen?

She says she’s to attend court on the 28th, then leave for Florida the first week of March, but I’m sure there’ll be some new delay to add to the already very long list.

Anyway, Mary’s confirmed my top suspicion about Teddy Bear. She’s been quite a little slut, actually. She wrote: Teddy Bear news flash: She was moved to Madison because there were too many rumors that she flirts, among other things, with girls in the large dorms. At Madison, Teddy Bear gets mail all the time from girls. The sergeants constantly question her, but her exact words are, “I don’t know why inmates write me.” So Jodi, my opinion is she’s just as fucked up as Todd. Excuse my language, but these things piss me off. Anyway, that’s all I know about her, but it was enough to make my ears red. Your name, by the way, never came up.

I don’t care if my name came up. Mary can shout to the whole damn jail that she led me on and dropped me like a hot potato. I just don’t care anymore who knows what. I’ve done nothing wrong, nor do I bear any shame or guilt. I have no pity for TB and have lost all respect and admiration I once felt for her.

As I told her, if she hasn’t given anyone my old letter to give to Teddy Bear, don’t. Just ditch it, cuz I plan on contacting her directly which I’ll get into later.

I expressed my gratitude and love for her, for if not for her I’d still be asking myself the same questions today. Perhaps God’s answered more prayers of mine than I’ve given him credit for. After all, I wanted answers and now I have them, even if they’re almost a year late. That’s okay, though, as I didn’t think I’d ever get them at all. Better late than never.

I do have some questions for her, though. First question, who’s she getting her info from? Is it Chavez? Don’t answer any questions you don’t feel like answering while you’re still there, I told her, though I don’t see how anyone could know anything she tells me. My second question is, if she was transferred around Oct. of ‘01, then why is she still being investigated? Thirdly, she said she was flirting, “among other things.” What are the other things?

Her letter brought a slew of emotions, that’s for sure. Naturally, I was hurt. I was also pissed, feeling like the “woman scorned.” And I even found some humor in this pitiful excuse of an officer. Today’s Valentine’s Day. Think the happy little slut got all kinds of valentines in the mail? Ha, ha, ha! Yeah, I’ll bet you did, big girl.

I even sent Tom a Webshots postcard of a pig and wrote: A pig is a pig is a pig… they’re all shit!

I laughed, I cried, and I cussed her out royally! Felt so good to do so, too!

The part that burned me up the most was where she supposedly said she doesn’t know why inmates write her. She doesn’t know? She doesn’t know! My ass she doesn’t know! Well, come 8½ months from now (257 days) I shall personally refresh her memory and let her know that perhaps they write her cuz she leads them on and even tells them they can do so. I’ll remind her about the mice she wanted bred for her, the things we said we’d do, etc., and I promised Mary she’d get her very own copy and that I’ll never mention hers or any other DO’s name.

What’s scary is how wrong I was about her. You think you know someone – then – surprise, surprise. Normally, I’m an excellent judge of character. Give me a dozen people and I’ll have their overall personality figured out in a matter of minutes and I’ll only be wrong on one or two of them.

She didn’t blow me off cuz she loved me too much to see me with a man at my side. Nor did she meet anyone else (at least I doubt she did). She blew me off cuz she wanted to continue right on playing the field. She’s probably never involved in a serious relationship. She’s too much of a “typical male.” Just a man in a woman’s body. Why get serious when she knows she can have a huge variety at her fingertips? At least she could for a while there. How could I have been so stupid as far as she’s concerned? She is as fucked up as Todd.

Now I know why she told me to wait a year before sending the letter. As soon as she told me this, it just sounded rather off to me. I asked myself why hadn’t I heard of any such policy (which I’m sure never existed) and why would she wait a year if she really liked me. I mean, how was the jail going to know we were seeing each other? The real reason she told me to wait was that she knew she was going to blow me off and she was hoping that I’d forget about her by then.

I don’t regret the good times we had together, but damn that girl! The only sincere thing about her was her attraction to me (people don’t normally flirt with those they’re not attracted to), but as soon as that cell door clanged shut and she went home for the night, my feelings for her lived on while I ceased to exist in her mind. No, she was no doubt thinking of all the other girls she could play with when she wasn’t in M Dorm. She probably had a designated pet in each dorm/tower. What I don’t get is why she was hesitant to talk to me with Misha around, just one person but ok with flirting in a dorm filled with 130 women? That’s dumb. Incredibly dumb! I thought I was her special one when in fact I was merely her M Dorm specialty.

I decided to tell Mary about the surprise I added to her Moon/Venus sexual saga and enclosed it in my letter to her. I took it out of her story (it’s her story anyway) and pasted it in here. It’s still cleverly written despite the asshole we know the whore is. Hell, I’d still be turned on, no doubt, if she were to walk by me, particularly in uniform. I’d just know not to buy anything she’d say like I should’ve known better in the first place. Since when have I ever been able to trust anyone in law enforcement anyway? Pérez is probably the only kosher one there. So many damn corruptomaniacs in that field!

And I referred to her as Phoenix’s Finest? Oh, please! And I thought she was oh so “professional?” What kind of professional does what she did to me and no doubt to many others? Yeah, she’s some pro, huh?

Speaking of Phoenix’s Finest, you know, I think I might’ve referred to her as that in my letter to her. I always did wonder if my letter may’ve sparked the interest of others, making them wonder just went on between us, and now I see that it undoubtedly did! It’s kind of a funny thought, though. That sergeant must’ve really been like, “Why is this person talking about you visiting and breeding your favorite mice? Hell, she’s even got 32 mice for you to choose from! Just what did you say to her?”

I always suspected, and I know I’ve written this, that she may’ve had a long trail of happy admirers. Again, this is every gay/bi woman’s dream woman. Perhaps they should have a special bin set up at Madison just for her little followers saying: Johnson fan mail goes here. Either way, I got new names for her as far as our little name-guessing game was concerned and they don’t begin with an R!

You know, I wonder if anyone who opened my mail to Mary might’ve spotted anything I wrote about her that was brought to attention, not that I care if they did. Or maybe not, since I almost always refer to her as Teddy Bear.

I’ve always wanted her to know just how much she hurt me. Maybe even more than I wanted to know why she blew me off. So, I decided to hell with this Jodi-cannot-speak-her-mind-or-fight-back trip. From now on I’m going to take a stand for myself, fight for what’s right, and speak my mind as often as I need to. Naturally, there’ll be no swears or threats. It’s like with Tom and the way he bitched to the bank. He didn’t expect it to change anything (although it did for the better), but he wanted to let them know he was fed up, not going to take any more, and basically expose them for what they are. Well, that’s what I intend to do with TB, but not until after my probation ends. So Teddy Bear will be in for a trick rather than a treat come Halloween. If I can wait a year to send the first letter, I can wait 8½ to send the second and last letter. I’m virtually certain nothing could happen to me if I sent the letter on or off probation, but I’m going to wait anyway, assuming she’s still an officer, which I think she will be. They may warn them, transfer them, whatever, but they all protect their own. Nonetheless, she’s a marked officer, so to speak. Her superiors are well aware of her behavior, so I don’t see how I could get in trouble for giving her a piece of my mind. If, on the other hand, I accused the cheeks of some kind of no-no, a guy sporting a PO of the Year award who probably doesn’t have these rumors and fan mail hanging over his head, no one would believe me.

I’ve thought it through and made up my mind that I need to do this. I feel I owe it to myself. I never got to have any say with all the other shit I’ve been through over the last few years, and now it’s my turn to speak out. I don’t want to “get her,” which I’ll let her know, and I don’t want to see her get in any trouble, but I do intend to let her know that I was a human being she played with, not a toy. She needs a little lecture on her poor conduct from one of her vics and not just sergeants.

I asked myself, could she come after me? I highly doubt it. I mean, they could push for a probation extension just for the hell of it, but I highly doubt that, too. Coming and either beating me up or doing something to the house is a far cry from leading me on, then ignoring me as if I never existed. It’s a pig I’ll be talking back to, but I honestly can’t see it coming back to harm me in any way. We’re both the same color and this is a totally different situation than that of the blacks and their shit. I told Tom what I planned to do and he didn’t object, and if anyone would’ve objected if he were that worried, it’d be him. He’s usually more cautious/paranoid than I am, and I don’t trust nothing or nobody! Besides, if any harm did come to me, the people at the jail would know exactly who to pick up.

First I was hurt over what she did to me, but now I’m angry, especially after learning for sure that there are other victims of her games, which in a sense, is what’s inspiring me to “go forward,” so to speak. Like a rape victim who keeps silent till others come forward, I shall let her know (which will also be letting the sergeants know) that I hope she thinks about what she’s done and not make the same mistakes in the future. Of course, I won’t name names, like Mary’s. Nor will I tell her stuff like how Palma and Pérez liked me too, but never led me on like she did. I also won’t tell her that if I was called upon to testify as to what she’s all about, I will, even if I’d rather not. I’m also considering sending two copies as I want to ensure that both the sergeant and Teddy Bear – no Johnson – read just what I’ve got to say, and hopefully, the sergeant will put a copy in her file.

It’s hard to believe the bear was moved on just rumors alone if that’s really the case. Makes me wonder if perhaps one of the ladies in the dorm was a little piggy herself. Whether or not it’s done in a manipulative way or not, you need proof. I wouldn’t want to, but I couldn’t, for ex., take her to court for playing with my head like she did. I have no proof and it’s not like she could be charged with felony head games. All she has to do is play dumb like it appears she’s been doing. Selective amnesia is easy and convenient. Thinking some more about it, I’m not worried about the Halloween letter. True, one can’t always know how others are going to react to the things we say/do, but I’ve come to realize with time that we can’t spend our lives worrying too much about the ‘what ifs’ or else we’ll never do/accomplish anything. All we can do is use our best judgment and try not to do anything too stupid.

She ought to break the law, get caught, and be thrown in jail. That way she could have all the women she wants.

Another thing is that I had said she wasn’t responsible for anyone writing to her, but in a sense she is responsible.

I am now just so glad that married or not, we never did meet after all. Boy, do I take back saying that if Tom and I hadn’t been destined to meet, I’d hope she and I would. I mean, what would be the point? She’d only have been whoring around on the side.

Later…

The tan frog is much bigger than the other two brown ones, for some reason. They all hang out in the open more, but they don’t swim around.

Because I woke up a couple of hours too early, for no apparent reason, I’m kind of beat today. Tom said he was surprised the loud fighter jets that flew low over the house didn’t wake me up a few hours before I got up. Maybe because I’m sleeping with the fan on higher, that’s what saved me. If there isn’t music, there’s thunder, hunters, dogs, ATVs, and sonic booms.

In fact, I’m too tired to write any more at the moment. I’ll be back later.

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 13, 2003
I am so fucking pissed right now! Now my pedals are broken, too! Everything of ours just has to break. Everything! It never fucking ends. I told him not to bother sending them back for a new one cuz that would just break, too.

“You gonna just throw the money away?” he asked.

Yup. That’s all we ever do anyway is lose money, so why not? And I’m not getting an 80-pound kiln for hundreds of dollars that’s just going to break, too. I’ll save up and buy the dolls I want outright. The fewer mechanical things I have to depend on, the better. I’m going to go back to jogging. If God wants to stop me from this too, then he’s going to have to break me. I’m just so fucking sick of this shit, though. This is not normal. No one’s shit breaks like ours.

Mary’s torturing me by keeping me in suspense about Teddy Bear. She never mentioned a word about her in her letter. All she said was to let her know if I heard anything about Monster and about her new lipstick. I wish she’d give me what she has so far, then, later on, she can add to it as she learns more. I wanna know something!

Later…

I’m still utterly furious about the broken pedals. I know something’s cursing our stuff and I just wish it would leave us alone!

I sent Kelly a postcard from Webshots, letting her know how she can do this too, if she wants, without being a member. Still haven’t heard back from her.

One of the nude dolls on sale that I want to get this week went up $5 when it was moved to a different section of the site. I emailed them asking why, and if the dolls I want are poseable (I think they are, though), but most people don’t respond to their email, we’ll see.

It’s been a very rainy day. It was the darkest 3 PM I’d ever seen! Like 7:30 in the morning. Thunder woke me up a couple of hours before I’d have liked to have gotten up. I’ve got to start sleeping with the fan on high regularly. It’s just that I haven’t wanted to. Especially at this time of year, so maybe I’ll just let myself get woken up periodically. It’s not like it happens every day. I’ll just sleep with it on high till the weather clears up.

It was really cool to look out back and see the mountaintops sticking up through the clouds.

I’m working on a “visualization” thing for Mary that I assume she got from some psychology book. Again, I agree with some of the ideas/beliefs it mentions and some I don’t. They talk about clearing your mind and thinking of absolutely nothing for a short period of time, but to me, that’d be like trying to breathe under water. I couldn’t blank my mind for even a second!

I can totally relate to the “movies of the mind” it talks about. I play movies in my mind all the time. Most of them are rather X-rated, but I’m really damn good at mind movies, nonetheless.

I don’t believe, however, that these movies can influence the outcome of things. I believe God’s written our scripts from start to finish and that most things are a matter of fate and not what we want, think or do. In other words, why should I bother to pray to live if some psycho suddenly pointed a gun at me? God’s already made up his mind to do whatever it is he’s going to do and no amount of prayer would change destiny. If it were my time to go, he wouldn’t listen to a thing I had to say anyway.

I also see nothing wrong with placing blame either ourselves or on those who’ve wronged us, so long as it’s truly deserved.

To say that the events in our lives are a direct result of our inner images; come on, that’s ridiculous. No one sits and envisions themselves having lives filled with emotional and physical abuse and all kinds of other hardships, so to say that they made their lives that way by thinking and picturing it is insane. Did Mary cause her daughter’s death by imagining it happening? Of course not! Can I close my eyes, picture myself rich and thin and become that? No, of course not. My body and my life belong to God.

I can see how a lot of people would want to believe we have more control over our lives than we really do, though. I mean, I talk of how thinking about writing the book about the framed girl in jail who falls in love with her gay guard jinxing it to happen for real, and maybe it did, since I certainly can’t say that nothing we ever think or do affects our experiences.

So, to answer Mary’s question about what I think about the subject, no, I don’t buy most of it, but it makes for interesting reading. I’m always open to other ideas/beliefs/opinions, even if I may not always agree with them.

I do agree with the part that says it’s okay to think of ourselves. It talks about how so many people think that sacrificing our happiness for others is the way to go, and sometimes it is, but I agree with them when they say that the more we’re satisfied, the better company we can be towards others, but when we’re miserable, that tends to rub off on others. Perhaps this is why I could only attract people like Ron, Nervous, Fran, Brenda and Andy in the past, and not the Toms, Marys, Kellys, Pérez’s, and Teddy Bears, even if one of them blew me off in the end.

Some people might say my reasons for not wanting a child (not wanting the expense and responsibility and wanting to be able to have a life) are selfish of me but is it? I think it’s the other way around and that it’d be selfish of me to have a kid due to how I feel. I don’t think that’d be fair to the kid; to have it when my heart wasn’t in it. There are enough unwanted kids in this world as it is. In the end, though, as is always the case with me, it doesn’t matter what I want as God wouldn’t allow it anyway.

I think that it’s hard for most people to accept grim facts and that they want to do everything they can to believe that things are better than they actually are, even if part of that means believing they’ve got more say in their lives than they might really have. Me? It was harder for me to admit and address harsh facts when I was younger, but nowadays, I figure I might as well. There’s no sense in denying what appears obvious enough at least to me.

On the other hand, God doesn’t treat us equally. Perhaps Joe Shmoe up the road has more say in his life than I do, and perhaps Jane Doe down the road has less.

Partly due to Mary’s inspiration, and partly just because, I may get into writing some colorful X-rated stories of my own, but my fantasies may be more reality-based. Who knows, maybe I’ll write the book that may’ve jinxed me as I doubt it’ll jinx me twice if it ever really did once. I know things about the law now that I didn’t know before. No one’s ever going to be able to back me into a corner and get me into the position they got me in before, and no stranger, who doesn’t know me from shit, and who never was a firsthand witness to any events in my life, is ever going to don a black robe and sit in judgment of me again.

Tom was on the phone with the bank today. He’s fed up with all this overtime they’re stiffing him on, and I’m like, you finally put your foot down about that? Why does it take him so long to put his foot down when it comes to the bank ripping him off, or his mom using and ripping him off?

I swear God would just love us to death if we took a few hundred bucks each month and randomly left it on people’s doorsteps.

I still wish I could make dolls! Not to join the ranks of modern working women who get bashed for not working (Women will always be bashed for something. If not work, something else), but because I want to. Once again, though, God wants me working for others and not myself, which means he’d only throw all kinds of obstacles in my way. I’d only be buying a kiln that if it didn’t arrive broken, would only end up breaking a month or two later.

Meanwhile, I’ll start jogging tomorrow. I hate jogging, though, and it’s not good exercise at all. It’s too much of a kick to the heart and jarring to the knees and ankles.

Another thing I have to do is change my menu. I know everyone’s different, but eating small amounts 4-6 times a day is a killer for me. I’m starving all the time because I can’t fill up. After eating, I feel like I didn’t eat at all. No diet, whether it’s a diet to lose or maintain weight, is easy, but this is way harder on me. I’m going back to the one-large-meal, plus-two-snacks-a-day routine. I need to stuff myself at least once a day and have some sugar once a week, too. I’ll basically just live on chicken, fish, beef and popcorn, my favorite snack. Once a week I’ll get a candy bar or maybe even two.

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 12, 2003
Damn! Ten hours of live birth from all over the world next Monday. TEN hours! Next thing you know there’ll be channels dedicated to just childbirth alone. There already practically is. Again, it’s not that I have anything against it, I’m just A, sick of it, and B, I don’t want to chance rekindling old desires that could never be fulfilled. I still doubt I’ll ever want a kid again, but even so, it’s best to avoid the subject as best I can just like a recovering alkie should avoid bars. What that means is that whenever possible, I don’t want to see it, don’t want to hear about it, don’t want to read about it.

Childbirth isn’t people’s only obsession. It seems they’re pretty hung up on watching all kinds of medical, true crime and reality shows these days.

It’s been cloudy lately. They say it could rain by the end of the week.

Another day of torturous suspense as I still haven’t heard from Mary. Mary, don’t do this to me, girl! You gotta tell me something. I wonder who she’s getting her information from. Could it be Chavez?

Anyway, my first guess as far as what Teddy Bear’s in trouble for is sexual, and my second guess is that it involves some form of violence or force. Drugs? Nah, that seems unlikely. I mean, I can’t picture her into that.

Later…

The good news is that Kelly emailed me. I enclosed her message. In my reply to her, I said that perhaps we could be pen pals, or should I say net pals. Also, remember to ask if she has any questions.

The truth is that although I’m not attracted to her, I’m curious. Curious to find out just the extent of her apparent fondness for me. Just like I asked myself with Palma and Teddy Bear (Pérez was the only one I was sure of right away), is she just being friendly? I mean, she seems like a friendly person overall. I can’t imagine her being rude or aggressive to anyone. But could there be some hidden meaning behind her friendliness towards me? I mean, how many dentists play email with their patients?

Anyway, Kelly’s not ugly, but she’s not attractive, even though she’d probably be considered a little above average for her age. She’s slim with blue eyes and blond hair, but you know I prefer dark, with one redheaded exception. Her nostrils are also slightly upturned like Maria’s were. That’s why I called her Monkey Face. Even though Kelly’s no tall, dark exotic beauty or redheaded butch full of acne, she really is a sweet lady. She thanked me for the “cute and clever” emails, said she was excited just to type a message, and to let her know if it worked.

Kelly obviously didn’t spell-check her message to me, so I’ll fix her mistakes. Here’s her mess:

The bad news is that one of the power supply boxes in one of the new computers is broken. Of course, we just had to get a broken one, didn’t we? Anyway, Tom’s gone to exchange it before work.

The cylinder people called saying they shipped the new cylinder today which would put it here next week which would also explain why I had no fence vibes for this month. Done with the cheek’s visits or not, I always did say I vibed that they wouldn’t be here and up till between April – June.

Later…

Just got mail from Tom saying he exchanged the box (hope it works) and that I have one letter (from Mary). I hope it has my update!

Since I know I’ll never get below 127 pounds, I’m not weighing myself regularly anymore. I’m still going to be thrifty with the groceries, though, so I at least don’t gain more weight and have extra spending money.

Guess I’ll go listen to the song I just downloaded and burned all by myself.

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 11, 2003
Today’s the day Paula goes to court. Question is, will she be there to get the CD I’m sending? Yes, we got my computer/burner all set up. At first I thought something was wrong because the burner wasn’t reading CDs. Apparently, all it needed was for me to break it in a bit by opening and closing the door a few times. Maybe there was some dust in it or something. Nonetheless, I love it! It’s great to be able to do my own backups and burning. I have two backup CDs and decided to back up one once a month and the other twice a month. Meanwhile, I’ll back up current stuff on floppies pretty much every day.

It’s also nice to have a faster computer and more space. I had 5 gigabytes before and now I have 11. That’s 11 billion bytes!

Next comes the setting up of the digital TV system which Tom says will be a big, complex job. I believe that, too. This drive will be many times bigger than mine and will be able to hold 60-70 hours’ worth of shows. Tom says it’s the best you can get without being rich. This way, if I decide I don’t want to burn a particular episode of Charlie’s Angels I can just delete it from the hard drive.

Unlike the chair he broke, I couldn’t quite get this new chair he got for his office put together. I got some of it, though. He only got this chair cuz his was broken and it was dirt cheap, but we both agree it’s not the greatest chair. It’s leather, which sucks (it’s cold when you first sit in it), it’s too firm, and the back’s uncomfortable. It juts into my back just above the small of my back.

In order to get my computer off the floor, I had to put it on the printer stand next to the laserjet and move it back a bit. The way it’s set up now was blocking the big speaker that’s in this room, so I propped it up with an old speaker we don’t use, then put Joy on top of it, and she looks great there. She comes to about a foot below the ceiling (this is where the lowest part of it is) which is about 7’.

I saved a whopping $25 in my share of weekly groceries which means I’ll have a total of $45 come Friday. Makes me feel like one spoiled rich bitch! Anyway, I decided to get what I really like and not settle at all when it comes to getting more fashion dolls, not that I’ve settled with them as of yet. Anyway, to me, the nicest and most realistic-looking fashion dolls are the Robert Tonner series which consists of Tyler, Mei Li, Esme and Sidney, and I also like the Eve and Alex series. Eve doesn’t have any friends (just color/race variations) like Tyler and Alex do. Alex’s friends are Jade and Paris. I managed to find a site that has a brown-eyed, brown-haired version of Eve for $25, and a redheaded version of Alex for the same price (both dolls are sold nude). I can’t tell her eye color, though. They look brown towards the pupils and green further out. I’m going to order these real soon, then later on, I’m going to get this gorgeous black doll in the Eve series called Saffron Sunset that wears a flaming red chiffon gown. This one’s more expensive at $120, but hey, I like it a lot!

After I get the two dolls on sale, I’ll probably continue on as originally planned which means I’ll get the mugs, Dalene and the ballerina ornaments. Then I’ll get the black Eve. Lastly, assuming I’ve gotten the fashion doll kick pretty much out of my system save for whatever future Playboys may come out, I’ll probably work on the Ashton-Drake dolls.

Later…

I called Paula a little while ago, and fortunately, she’s home. I let her know her CD is on its way. I asked what happened in court and she said a lot of stuff, but she couldn’t talk to me about it at the moment as Miguel, her very perpetrator, was present. Lovely, I thought to myself. We both get to play court for our perps. Only difference is one wants to fuck her perp and the other wants – well – I think that’s rather obvious. But once again, I can want, but not have. Hey, no one gets it all!

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 9, 2003
Starting with excellent news – we got the new computers! One is for the TV. We’re going all digital. Now I’ll be able to record Charlie’s Angels on CDs. No more setting up or rewinding videos!

The other computer, of course, is for me. It’s going to be so nice to get rid of this agonizingly slow computer and to be able to burn my own CDs.

I spoke to Paula, who says it’s okay to send stuff if she does go to jail cuz she’ll definitely get the mail when she gets out. I let her know I was upgrading, getting my own burner, and that I’d send her a CD at some point.

Next comes the fences, then the kiln!

It’s no wonder I never heard from the dentist. I sent her email to the wrong address! Guess I’m the one that got stuck on stupid. I sent them again, so we’ll see if I hear back from her.

Oh, Mary, please hurry up and send me the Teddy Bear update with as much detail as possible! I want to know every single thing you know!

I wonder if Teddy Bear, once she knew she was in trouble, wished she’d kept her word about seeing me so she could use me for that positive reference I offered if she ever needed it. Too late now, huh girl?

Whatever it is she’s done, I doubt she’ll get fired. They always protect their own. I mean, I don’t know if this is true, but if it’s true that Palma slugged an inmate like I heard, look at what she got for it. All she got was a quick suspension. No charges, no firing. I believe the rumor too, because I heard it from more than one source and because of Palma’s aggressive personality.

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 8, 2003
I did get mail from Mary after all. Tom just didn’t get around to letting me know about it till after I shut down the computers. Got 5 envelopes with drafts and religious cards with a very surprising letter in one of them.

The smaller surprise of the letter was that she told me my body looked good in the recent pictures I sent and that I was in awesome shape. I’m in awesome shape, yes, but I sure didn’t expect to hear that I looked good. I mean, I didn’t expect her to come out and tell me I was a fat, ugly cow, but I thought she’d tell me I still needed a lot of work.

Anyway, I hope she’s on her way to Florida so I can send her her stuff and we can exchange letters a little more privately, so to speak. Meaning, in Florida, no one will know my or the Phoenix officer’s names that I may mention.

Speaking of one Phoenix officer – the big surprise was about Teddy Bear. To quote from Mary’s letter, she wrote: I have Teddy Bear updates, but I can’t tell you much quite yet because 007 is still investigating. I know almost everything about her. I can’t be sure if all my information is true, but I have reliable resources with whom she associates. Let’s just say Teddy Bear’s got issues and I feel you deserve better, Jodi. I really mean it. I’ll write soon with my update.

I was like, Teddy Bear, what did you do?! My first thought was that she and another inmate liked each other just like we did, only she went further with this one and got caught. If this is so, and if she was lonely and horny, why didn’t she come to me? Was I just too far away? Was this other inmate more convenient and maybe better looking, too?

My second guess is that she hit someone, but Teddy Bear? I know the woman had a bit of bite to her, but that’s more of a Palma thing, I’d think. She always seemed to be a rather dedicated professional, so I don’t know. I mean, I just can’t imagine her getting into trouble, unless maybe she herself is being set up for some reason, but who knows?

Whatever it is she’s supposed to have done, wouldn’t the 007 just love to know about us? I assume this 007 is something that investigates officers. I couldn’t find anything online about it, and Tom said that it’s an internal thing that would never be posted online.

I wonder if it’s a DO I know that’s been filling Mary in? Whoever it is, I think I might write Mary and ask her to ask this person if she’d be willing to give my letter to Teddy Bear, since she associates with her regularly enough. That is unless Mary doesn’t think it’d be a wise idea. I’ll trust her to use her best judgment. I guess it depends on what she’s done. Besides, Teddy Bear knows my address and number. If she ever really wants to get a hold of me, she knows how to.

I just wish I knew what was going on! Could it somehow be connected to me? I doubt it, but once I knew she was going to blow me off, I did wonder about my letter. I wondered if it could’ve caused anyone to think more went on between us than actually did.

Meanwhile, I guess all I can do is sit and wait for Mary’s next letter, hoping it’ll have more detailed info. After all, the suspense sure is killing me!

As I let her know, I’m so grateful to her. If it weren’t for her, I’d never know about this 007 thing, nor would I ever have known she even left there!

Later…

Tom found a link with an update online about Monster. My hunch was right as to why there was no obvious mention of yesterday’s supposed sentencing. It’s been delayed till the 28th (Mary’s letters were postmarked on the 4th and 5th, so she couldn’t have known about the delay at the time). Supposedly, he asked the judge if he could change his guilty plea and the judge said no. Then he asked to fire his lawyer and the judge said no. Finally, he asked for a hearing (I forget exactly what it’s called), and the judge said ok. So the animal’s still utilizing any delay tactic he can come up with, but I don’t know why. It’s not going to change the inevitable outcome in either case.

Tom says he thinks the spider may’ve come up from the shower drain, which might explain why so many sightings are in that bath. That shower rarely gets used cuz of the leak, and I know the fuckers don’t drown easily. As he explained to me, all drains have wide-open vents to the roof, so that’s how it might’ve gotten in. From now on I’ll be sure to run water down it more often, and even spray some Raid down, even if it might not be as powerful as I’d like. It’s just that I’d have thought it was too big to squeeze through the drain. Maybe if it’s that desperate it can squeeze its way through, cuz I’d have found something that big if it had gotten out of the shower, and it couldn’t have gone very far. It would’ve been sluggish from all the Raid and water.

Tomorrow Tom will spray the skirting and install the indoor/outdoor thermometer he fixed.

Anyway, I’m going to assume Mary will be in Phoenix at least until the 28th and go ahead and send her a letter. The poor girl must’ve been pissed as soon as she found out about the delay. I’m sure she just wants to get the show on the road, so to speak.

We discussed it and we decided we’d each take $40 a month for fun, and we’re also going to get new computers, the fences and the kiln within the next couple of months, cuz we’ll definitely have the money for it all. Also, we’re going to allot $90 a week for groceries, though I’ll still try to get as little as I can for two reasons; the extra money I can save, and cuz I should anyway, so I don’t end up like Roseanne Barr anytime too soon.

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 7, 2003
No new news yet on Monster from what I could see online.

Tom’s still fighting with the bank over the house payments but is still certain that it’ll be over soon and in our favor. He says he doesn’t think he’ll get the payments lowered back down, but that this will at least show them that we’re fed up and aren’t going to take any more, should they think of raising the payments some more in the future.

I hope he’s right about this since some people just don’t give up. So many more people would lose weight and quit smoking if they could put the same determination and discipline into making that happen as they do with fucking other people over.

Anyway, I’m quite bored. All I have to do is work out and clean the kitchen. Now’s when I wish I was making dolls or at least had some typing to do for Mary! There’s been no mail from her or anyone else connected to her.

Originally I had thought that the defense seeing her book couldn’t hurt her, and I doubt it will, but now I’m wondering about the part where she looks in the mirror at her beaten face and tells herself she’d broken every promise she ever made to herself about not being with abusive guys. In other words, it shows she knew what was going on. She knew she was with someone dangerous yet she stuck around. If I were her, I wouldn’t worry about it, though. I don’t think it’ll change anything one way or another.

I’m down a pound to 127. I’m regular, avoiding fried foods and sugar, and I’m working out more, so we’ll see what happens. I still think I’m too old to lose much more weight, let alone weighed down with too much muscle to do so.

Later…

Just had an utterly terrifying experience. I went to sit down on my toilet, and there in the shower stall was one of those big spider-like things the size of the skylight spider. What was even scarier was that I kept Raiding the shit out of it and drenching it with water and it still wouldn’t die! It was too big to go down the drain. So then I turned on the hot water and ran to get the fly swatter, came back and it was gone! I hope to hell it squeezed through the drain as the water heated up, and I am so spooked out right now! I’m like, oh please don’t tell me we’re going to get another slew of these things again! But I know that where there’s one, there’s more waiting to terrorize me. They’re always either in that bath or the kitchen. Only one was found in the utility. I’ll tell you one thing for sure, if I see more of them, we’re bombing with or without a truck. We’ll take the bitch’s cage outside, and take the guys with us in the tank if we have to. I really want to move to a place that doesn’t have anything bigger than Daddy long legs!

I wonder why no one’s emailing me lately. Nothing from Dave, nothing from the dentist, nothing from Tom. I had told him to email me and tell me what I may have from Mary since he got out too early this morning to stop at check, but I guess he either didn’t get around to it yet or there was nothing there.

Nothing online pertaining to Monster, so maybe they haven’t had time to write the story yet, twist things around, add a few lies, then get it online. Of course, there’s always the possibility that something came up to delay sentencing, too.

The good news is that Tom settled with the bank and got our payments lowered by $100 so that’s good. He mentioned raising our allowances. We should get at least $40 a month so then we can get as much as the freeloaders do. I mean, I know the money doesn’t go to the freeloaders, but the point’s the same.

I thought about it and realized that the numbers don’t add up. Tom said the house in front was about a mile away, but that makes no sense cuz then it’d have to be about 9 properties away since there are 5,000 feet to a mile, and there’s no way it’s that far out. Distance in the flat desert can be deceptive, but I still say it’s only a couple of properties away, putting it a little over 1,000 feet away.

I just hope that in 3 or 4 months from now when they’re all moved in that we have them damn fences up so their dogs can’t roam around on our land.

I’m pleased that the nighttime barking has ceased quite a bit. I got through a whole bath just a little while ago without one bark.

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 6, 2003
Slept till 1:30 today. No hunters, no booms. Just a new house. Yeah, maybe we will get rich off this place someday after all. It appears to be two properties in front of us. It’s a nice, good-sized house with a fancier exterior than ours. Meaning, there are dormers, peaks and other nooks and crannies. It’s tan-colored and I’d say it has about 3, but more likely 4 bedrooms. The good thing is that it’s too nice and expensive for Mexicans or blacks, but the front of it is facing us which means the house won’t be between us and their dogs and outside activities. On the other hand, they’re pretty far out there, so maybe the distance will counteract any noise that may come from them. After all, the house is far away enough that I could only tell that the front of it was facing us with the binoculars. They’re at least a mile away.

Still no email from Kelly, my dentist, so I guess she either hasn’t gotten her mail or she just got stuck on stupid.

I wonder what’s going on with Mary. Tomorrow’s Monster’s sentencing day. I told Tom to let me know if he caught it on the news since I never read or watch the news. I wish she’d just get her ass to Florida so I can start sending her stuff to her without anyone there knowing me! A part of me wishes she wouldn’t return to Arizona once she’s released, so I don’t have to worry about her pestering me, but I know she’ll be back here the moment she does get out. Oh well. If she gets to be a pest, I’ll just tell her so.

Paula left a message the night before last sounding incredibly pissed off, but I knew that that was just how she always sounds. All she said was, “Listen, I’ll be calling you tomorrow morning. Be sure you answer your phone.” So, I decided to call her, saying we got a phone card, and let her know that hey, I can’t always be by the phone whenever she wants me to be. I asked if she got the doll’s dress, and all she said was, “Yeah.” No “thank you,” no nothing. Like I said, I can only stomach so much of that pesky ditz, so I just send my monthly letters to her and ignore the phone 99% of the time.

The rats have started hanging out in their tubes, but they still don’t wheel. Good, then I don’t have to worry about it squeaking, waking me up, and needing oiling.

I still don’t think I’ll lose any more weight, but I think I may be onto something as far as that goes. I think pedaling for 30 or more minutes is much more effective than just 20. I got carried away yesterday and had 2000 calories, yet was down two pounds when I got up, after having worked out for close to an hour yesterday between the Bowflex and the pedals. It makes sense when you think about it after reading online like I did that it takes 90 minutes on a treadmill to burn 500 calories. Maybe if I stay regular and ride longer I’ll lose more weight, but I doubt it.

Later…

When the heat stays on as late as 11:30 and comes on as early as 8:30, you know we’re having another cold snap! It’s a good thing we didn’t get plants yet.

My vibes told me the guy Tom was to interview last night wouldn’t show up, and they also told me something was wrong with the cylinder. I was right on both. When he called the cylinder place in L.A., they said the one they received was damaged, so they’re expecting another in next week. Tom still thinks there’s a chance we can get the fences this month, but right now I don’t see anything going on for this month.

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 5, 2003
Another uneventful trip to see Scot. He’s still not mentioning seeing me at the house, but he is back to telling me how much time I have left every time I see him. He was actually right too, when he said there were 8½ months left instead of 9 since nothing’s going to be happening during the last two weeks. Not if I can help it, anyway. It’s just that I know they could push for an extension simply based on the fact that I express no guilt, but even if I was guilty, I still could never feel an ounce of guilt or pity for these people. They victimized me and they deserved anything they might have gotten from me, and if I were them, I’d thank my lucky stars that mail was all I did get. A lot of people would’ve given them something far worse to complain about than that.

We didn’t stop at any stores on the way back this time around.

Yesterday’s allergy attack was the worst one I’d had since I first went to jail. I felt miserable all day and didn’t even work out.

I crashed last night at 1 AM and slept peacefully till 10 AM, but I don’t know if I should let myself roll over to nights. They’ve been booming by like hell lately. Tom says it’s because we’re getting ready to go to war with our favorite enemy – Iraq.

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 4, 2003
My allergies were waiting to attack me the moment I got up, and they’re still pretty bad. I’d love to take some Benadryl, but the freeloaders won’t let me as they know it’d put me to sleep, fuck up my schedule, and prevent me from going out tomorrow on account of them.

Yesterday, just after I awoke at 8:30, I was surprised to hear hunters out there. I didn’t expect them to suddenly start up again this close to spring and on a weekday. Spring out here being more like early March, of course. They woke me up today when they started at 10:00, and I’d already been woken up once before by a loud engine at 6:30. It never ceases to amaze me at just how much I’ve been woken up out here in rural Maricopa as opposed to the city where it was so much noisier. But of course, there I took more measures to ensure my sleep, so part of it is my fault for sleeping with the fan on low. I’ll sleep with it on high tonight. I’ll hopefully get up at noon, take about an hour to wake up over coffee, then shower and be out the door by 1:30.

I’m just so glad I don’t have to report at specific times. If I always had to report at 8 AM or 2 PM, it’d make it so much harder on me and it’s been hell on me as it is, though I still feel freer than I have in years. Especially with the piss test out of the way and his lack of home visits. Makes me feel a little more like my life belongs to me in between report times. I’d still like Scot to cut me to once a month, but I understand his selfish reasoning for not doing so. If I knew I’d be likely to get more people the more I cut their reports down, I wouldn’t cut them down either. I mean, yes, he’s stricter and more of a stickler for rules anyway, but we’re pretty sure that’s the reason he won’t give me any breaks despite his knowing my being on probation is unfair, asinine and unnecessary. I always said in the first place God would make sure I had a PO that wouldn’t spare me shit, but at least he didn’t send me to one who was hell-bent on setting me up.

I just hope we can get through the remaining time without incident. Tom doesn’t think he’ll mention recommending I be let go come the next progress report since by then there’ll only be 6 months left, but yes he will. I know he will. First of all, it wouldn’t take 6 months to make a simple phone call to tell him I’m done with them, though that’d never happen, and secondly, if I’m right about him enjoying how much it bothers me to hear my perpetrator called a victim, then that’s all the more reason he will.

I just wish I didn’t spend so much time regretting the past since it can never be undone or changed, but I do. There are so many things I’ve said/done that I wish I hadn’t, and vice versa. There I was thinking I handled Mr. Biased oh so well when in fact I couldn’t have handled him worse if I tried. I said all the wrong things. There I was thinking I was helping myself by telling him exactly what had happened yet little did I know that there were such places on earth where so much could be made out of so little. Such little petty shit could be so exaggerated and so twisted. So blown out of perspective and proportion.

Why does it still piss me off to know that I never stood up to Hank on Oswego St. or Barbara in Norwich? Why does it still piss me off to know that I didn’t attack the black bitch when she came screaming at the door? Why does it still piss me off to know that Woodruff reduced me to feeling like a child being punished when she sternly told me I’d “sit there longer” when I demanded to be sent back to M Dorm after being left to sit in the cramped, hot visitation booth while she and other DOs rudely gabbed happily away as if I didn’t exist?

I swear to God I will be all over the next Nancy K with the balls to threaten me. I swear it! No matter who’s got a hold on me or what the consequences are, I owe it to myself to finally fight back. I can’t keep letting this one pick on me and that one pick on me or else I’m going to be just as miserable as I have been in the past. If I don’t start standing up for myself, I’ll either end up in jail again or left to fume over what my abuser got away with this time around. It isn’t “over” even if it is over as far as the freeloaders are concerned come October. Someone else is going to fuck me over and or threaten me. It may take a few years, but it’ll happen, and you know what? I’m fighting back cuz I’ll be damned if I’ll suffer or get locked up for them. I don’t know how I’ll fight back, but I’ll figure it out when the time comes. No more sending the wrong message to people, making them believe, like I did with the black bitch, that they can keep picking and picking at me year after year in all different kinds of ways and get away with it. Now these people think they’re invincible. Now they know that just out of sheer spite and hate, they could call the pigs, tell them I tried to harm them in some way and the pigs will pick me right up, no questions asked. They wouldn’t need any evidence to get me a second time around and if they did they’d just make it up. With me already convicted of “stalking” them, they know they wouldn’t need much. I’d still like to think they’ll quit while they’re way, way ahead and let me get on with my life in 9 months, and fortunately, I don’t have any bad vibes, but again, it doesn’t really matter cuz I’d never let them get me in the same position once again. As soon as I knew they were at it again, I’d be out of here. I wouldn’t give them the satisfaction of fighting and dealing with them either by myself, a public pretender, or a good lawyer we paid for; I’d be out of here, leaving them to fight their own fight all by themselves.

That damn Humane Society teased us yesterday by sending a big envelope that I thought would at least have address labels in it, but instead they wanted more money. Again I emailed them suggesting they send the stuff they said they’d send first, but again they’re ignoring me. I think it’s cuz we only sent $10. Last time we sent $15 and there was no problem. If $10’s not acceptable to them, though, then they shouldn’t have it as one of their donation options.

Later…

I decided I’d no longer suffer for the freeloaders and let them control me any more than they already have, and took a Benadryl. To try to counteract the inevitable drowsiness the stuff causes me, I made a non-decaf cup of coffee.

I also decided to put a hold on getting Perfect Portions for now. Now that I’m not getting frozen foods that are fried, and am eating low-cal TV dinners that have a good balance of nutrition, I may be ok. That’s what I lost weight on a few years ago, but we’ll see. I still may get it eventually.

I definitely don’t want to join Weight Watchers. Their food’s as spicy as jail food, their program is complicated and involves a lot of math, and they use a point system. Hell, I was on a point system for years between Brattleboro and Valleyhead. I don’t need to be on one again.

Amazingly, yesterday’s candy spree didn’t put a pound on me, but I’m sure it’s only cuz I shit my ass off. Had I been stuck, I’d be up 2-3 pounds.

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 3, 2003
It looks like I didn’t have the honor of hexing Mary after all. I should’ve figured God wouldn’t allow me such a wonderful gift anyway. I went and checked, and the dates don’t match. Meaning, she said her illnesses began the Friday after Christmas, yet I didn’t check out the presents and insults till the following morning.

Either way, what’s done is done, but I don’t intend to associate with her much from now on by email or in person.

The Dead Zone’s gotten to be way too boring and predictable. Childbirth, childbirth and more childbirth. Two episodes in a row of it. I still can’t figure out why our society is so obsessed with the subject. This is what the viewers want to see, though. It not only gets old like I said before, but I don’t want to see or hear about that subject for fear of it rekindling old desires, though I highly doubt it will. Still, a recovering alcoholic shouldn’t go to bars, and a dieter shouldn’t go to candy stores. Besides such popular subjects, the show needs more action and less talking, planning and building up to things.

Woke up at 127. I was going to say I can’t get below that, but I don’t know. I may wake up below it, despite the candy I’ve had today. That’s cuz I’ve been the opposite of how I was throughout January, which means I’ve been shitting my ass off. I’m actually to the point where I’m like, enough’s enough! I shit so much today that I doubt I’ll shit tomorrow.

The bag of candy I got has about 30 pieces that are a little bigger than Hershey’s Kisses. I had 10 of them and froze the rest so it wouldn’t be convenient for me to keep grabbing a few every time I pass through the kitchen.

Now to cover my day while I listen for new MP3s to download (hopefully). I got up at 8:30, an hour before the alarm was due to go off. At 11:00, we took off to the dentist. She really likes me, though I don’t know the extent of it. Let’s just say that I’m good enough with people to know she’s at least not homophobic if she’s never been attracted to the same sex herself. She’s a very friendly person who strikes me as a very tolerant and accepting individual. I’m amazed at just how much she likes to chat with me. Too bad she’s not as good-looking as Melanie was!

Let’s just also say that regardless of how deep her fondness is for me, if she had to dump half her patients and give them away to another dentist, I bet I wouldn’t be on that giveaway list.

“There’s feisty Dawn,” she said as she approached me after her assistant got me settled in the chair. She was so grateful to me cuz of the way my advice on how to speed up hair growth has helped her, which I noticed right away was about an inch longer. “I’ve been wearing braids, taking multi-vitamins, scratching my scalp, and my hair’s grown faster than it has in a while,” she happily told me.

She asked me about the dolls and rats and said she wanted to learn how to do email which her husband says is easy. I wondered then, how come she had an email account if she didn’t know how to do email, and why couldn’t her husband show her how to do it? Nonetheless, I offered to show her, telling her I’d email her and that all she had to do was type in what she wanted to say, then hit the reply button. I wanted to show her a good variety of the email decorations I have, so I sent one with a colorful background to which I added a couple of animations, then one with an animated mouse, and one with graphics that consisted of an ocean scene. I told her she could insert pictures if she wanted to and to click on the address I typed in if she wanted to get the same email software I’ve got.

I met her husband and her 11-year-old daughter who had just gotten her braces off.

She was, as usual, very complimentary of me. Especially my hair. She too, complimented my thick curls and even the gray, too. She said she wishes she had hair my color, rather than the blond she’s got.

We also discussed my working out. She and her assistant thought I was 110 pounds. I wish!

On my way out, she gave me the same full-size tube of toothpaste she gave me last time. Quite a generous sample!

After hitting the grocery store, we went to the PO and picked up Lily, my bronze ballerina who wears a gold tutu. Although small, she’s way nice. Nicer than I anticipated. I just may get more of these after all.

For now, my tentative plans are to order a mug on the 15th, then order the remaining 3 that I designed by the 15th of next month. Then I’ll concentrate on dolls. I’ll probably start with Ashton’s ornament ballerinas.

Tom and I did some comparing and some math and decided that if I could get my daily food cost down to $7 a day, we could save a lot of money to use for fun things. Because he can stand to live on basically just hotdogs, it only costs a few bucks a day for his food. Because I like a wider variety, I’m at about $9 a day.

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 2, 2003
For once, Dave not only sent one funny joke but two funny jokes!

After having shit two days in a row, I’m back to 127. If only I could keep regular! Then I just might stand a real chance of losing weight, but as long as I’m going to be stuck a day here and two days there, I’ll just keep putting back what I lose, for the most part. I’ll be doing that tomorrow as it is when I get my last big treat (a bag of mint/chocolate candy cups).

Mary’s improved with punctuation a lot, although she sometimes still substitutes periods with commas. She’s even putting spoken things in quotes which helps a lot. So often in the past, I’d have to back up and insert quotes once I realized the person was supposed to be speaking.

Later…

No activity in back at all today. Maybe that’s because of the wind. It’s been a very windy day which has cooled the temperature down quite a bit.

Tom showed me how to set up a 7.5 x 3 canvas for the mugs, and I don’t know why they said it would be time-consuming, cuz it only took a second to do. In the end, I decided it’d be cool to have pictures on both sides. There’ll be 4 mugs, but on the 15th, I’ll only order one to make sure there are no problems with it. One mug will have a picture of Houdini and Ratsy on one side with Oreo and Little Fella on the other. Another will have Lady nursing a baby on one side with the baby rats just as their fur was sprouting on the other. Another will have a collage that wraps right around, consisting of 4 mice and a shot of Scuttles. Lastly, there’ll be a mug with Joy’s picture on one side and Bailey’s on the other.

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 1, 2003
Tom insists that because I’m not more than 20 pounds overweight, it’s okay for me to lose weight this slowly. Yes, it’s true that the more weight you have to lose, the faster it comes off till you get within 20-30 pounds of your goal weight. Nonetheless, and even though I seem to be more regular, I won’t count on losing any more weight. I don’t think I’m ready yet to let it get too out of control, either. I’ll still exercise and eat sensibly.

We checked out Weight Watchers. It’s $60 to get started, then $15 for each month, so no, it’s not too expensive. I just don’t think I’m interested. At least not yet. However, I saw a rather interesting commercial worth investigating online. They have a web address as well as an 800 number to call. It’s called Perfect Portions. You place a menu (the contents of each meal) down inside a round dish. Then, on top of it, you put down a see-through plate with dividers, similar to a TV dinner tray that has a section for the main course, the veggies, the dessert, etc. This way your carbs, proteins and other things are divvied up the way they should be to ensure weight loss in a healthier, more effective way, so you don’t have to measure or count calories. I assume this would be a low-carb, high-protein diet. For those who want to get ripped and look really muscular, you’d have a diet that is rich in carbs.

You can mostly see my muscles in my shoulders, abs and calves. Depending on how I move, you can see some biceps and some outer thigh muscles.

When pulled straight, my hair is to the middle of my ass now. When left curled, it’s to the crack of my ass.

I figured out why the dogs are so obsessed with the pipes. It isn’t just the pipes themselves they want to play with, it’s the animals hiding inside them that they want to get at. The cat is out there right now crouched down and ready to pounce, should something good emerge from one of them.

The barking still continues to be horrendous. Especially for where we live. Once the sun sets, it’s terrible. The renter’s dog was barking so ferociously for attention last night at around 8:00 that I had to put on some music just so I could eat my dinner in peace. Again, I so do hope it improves as it heats back up. I think that the reason it’s not as bad during the daytime, especially during the week, is that people aren’t home as much. When they’re home ignoring the dogs, that sets them off more, knowing their owners are so close and can hear their useless barks for attention. Again, I don’t know how the owners themselves can stand it. If Pepper were here barking his head off just outside a window or a door, I’d want to strangle him! I’d go completely insane having to listen to that.

There have been a few more downloads, putting it to a total of 25, and they were all pictures of me.

Got mail from Mary today. She didn’t mention anything about when she’s leaving, so I’m still assuming she won’t be there much longer than about a week after the 7th. I sent another letter back telling her that once again I’m going to put a hold on any more mail to her unless she contacts me telling me she’s going to be there longer.

She sent another book of stamps which was very nice of her, and that same picture of her the media took that she had sent me about a year ago. It’s a nice one, though she’s awfully thin. I never did get any pictures from Michelle and Todd, though, so who knows if they’re just playing with her or what? So many people say so many things they’re going to do that they don’t.

Surprisingly, she sent more fantasy stuff she wrote which contains sexual fantasies between her and the soul mate she hopes to one day meet. I had thought she said she was going to get working more on her book which was part of why she had me send her a copy, so that’s why I was a bit surprised, but no problem. I have more free time now that I’m not proofreading.

I agree with her that fantasy is fun to write, though as I told her, I never saved anything I wrote cuz I thought it was stupid. Besides, I doubt she’d enjoy anything I wrote as it was about lesbian couples. I love my husband, but I am so not attracted to the male body, the male scent, the male anything! I do prefer the feminine touch, though not as feminine as I used to like. I like a woman who looks like a woman, yet who’s strong and that I know is going to make me feel safe.

As I told her, I’m glad to help out any way I can because if there’s one person I know who would never take my help for granted or who wouldn’t do me a favor if I needed it, it’s her.

Later…

We checked out Perfect Portions and I definitely want to try it. I believe the economy pack, which was what I think would best suit me, is something like $50. It is higher in carbs, though I think it’ll be alright. The balance of nutrition and what you eat is almost as important as how much you eat, and this will help with that a lot without having to count, weigh or measure.

We’re going grocery shopping Monday after the dentist, and that’s the day I’ll allow myself one final big-sized treat before committing myself to having no fun for quite a while. I can still take days off, but my weekly “day off” can only consist of a regular-size candy bar, a slice of cake, a few small cookies, etc. Not a trip to the China Buffet, a pint of ice cream or a giant candy bar.

I was sitting outside while he prepped the truck for the cylinder head we’re expecting next week and I heard the renters chatting (a woman and a man). And part of the corner of the house was between us too, so that tells me that had we been in back or by the bedroom side, we probably would’ve been able to hear what they were saying.

If we ever do get that inflatable pool we were talking about, hopefully they won’t spoil our peace too much. The bulk of the time we’re going to want to swim will be in the middle of the day when it’ll hopefully be too hot for them to be outside gabbing unless they get a pool of their own which wouldn’t surprise me in the least if they did. On the other hand, if I were to swim in the early evening, that’s when it could be a bit noisy.

Although they don’t seem like they’re going to entertain today, I’ve got the kitchen blinds shut. I didn’t come here to glance out a window to see 20 people. They’re definitely not an asset to this place. There are just too many of them and they’re outside too much of the time. It’s still peaceful as can be compared to Phoenix, but I’m really getting sick of the openness around here. Because of it, we can hear barking from miles away. If there were woods between us and the renters, we’d never know they existed. I find myself thinking more and more of a cabin in the woods if we can’t live on a boat, simply to avoid having to see anybody at all and to get even further away from people.