January 2003 in 2000s

FRIDAY, JANUARY 31, 2003
Finally, the last day of January has arrived. I don’t know why, but for some reason, it’s felt like this month has been dragging on forever.

My bangs are now to the point where they reach if I put my hair in a ponytail on the crown of my head, but if I lower it towards my neck, they can’t quite make it yet. It hasn’t even been a year yet, though, since I began growing them out.

Still haven’t heard from Mary. I won’t be sending her any more mail till I hear from her, wherever she may be.

In Webshot’s email to me, they said that until they change their system, they recommended something called a canvas, which they gave me numbers for, in Photoshop, to get around the centering issue. I guess this would put the picture towards the handle if it’s uploaded that way, though they say it’s time-consuming. I’ll let Tom check it out and let me know what he thinks. If we can’t get around the centered picture issue, I may forget about getting more mugs as I really don’t like the centered pictures. What kind of company would make mugs like that anyway, unless someone requested it? I’m really shocked that this is the only option they have, though they claim it may not always be that way. Let’s hope not.

When I expressed my worries about going back to getting too many things through the PO, Tom said priority mail shouldn’t be the problem regular mail can be.

I may not have heard from my Mary, but I heard from Tom’s Mary. My letter prompted her message. No, she never was offended by the pictures, she’s just been sick since right after Christmas with bronchitis, pleurisy, a sinus infection, and an ear infection. All one hell of a coincidence too, since I put a “sick spell” on her as soon as I pulled out my so-called present from her. During the first day or two that I was really fuming over the stunt she pulled on me, I didn’t wish she’d drop dead or anything too serious, but I did wish her ill. I closed my eyes tight and concentrated real hard on her being all sneezy and feverish and just plain old miserable. So to read what I read was quite numbing, seeing that there’s a 50/50 chance I did this to her. Do I feel guilty, if I did? Maybe just a little, but more so I’m curious. It’s definitely worth testing, but on whom? I wonder if I could put a sick spell on someone I never met like maybe someone at the bank Tom dislikes. I don’t know about that, though. I have a feeling that if this isn’t just a coincidence, it has to be someone I know and that I’m really pissed off at. I don’t see how I could place a spell like that on someone without being furious with them. Just how do I go about testing this thing, I wonder? Stand on a street corner and ask people to piss me off so I can see if I can get even by making them sick? Then again, I don’t need to ask anyone to piss me off. That will happen on its own. It always does. I just hope it’ll be someone I know. It’s hard, for example, to tune in to people I’ve never met that are fucking us over like the bank is with this mortgage bullshit. I don’t know who they are or what they look like, so I can’t imagine being able to inflict any kind of suffering upon them, and if my rather ill thoughts had any effect on Steven or Dan, I’ll never know it.

Anyway, whether or not this is something I’ve done or that just happened, since Mary has been damned in the health department pretty much all her life, I still would’ve preferred the pictures to have given her a taste of her own medicine. Instead, she thinks they’re oh-so-cool. Well, of course. The woman loves to have her picture taken and played with, so why wouldn’t she? In fact, I should’ve known she’d just love it. At least I didn’t give her the reaction I still think she wanted/expected from me for giving her a piece of my mind about her attitude and mouth at the casino.

Just like God’s compensating me after how sickly I was throughout most of my 20s with great health, he’s also compensating for my being skinny throughout most of my 20s with being fat now. Last night when I stepped on the scale only to find I’d gained 3 pounds since I woke up from nothing but 1,200 calories and a 20-minute pedaling session, I was so bummed and so frustrated and even pissed! I thought God was supposed to help those who help themselves. Another general rule that doesn’t apply to me or what? When I saw what I saw, part of me wanted to starve forever and another part wanted to say, Ok, you want me big? As big as I can be? I’ll just run to the grocery store then and eat everything in sight! It is so discouraging and frustrating to work as hard as I have all for nothing. There’s no reason I shouldn’t have lost at least 10 pounds by now, and to know that I’ll eventually gain a ton of weight whether I eat 1000 calories a day or 2000 a day isn’t very comforting either. Yet it’s getting more and more obvious that that’s where I’m headed; to end up between 150-200 pounds no matter what. It’s like it’s an inevitable fate I can’t avoid. God wants me to be big. I’m drinking lots of water, having 1,200 calories a day, working out, eating a low-carb, high-protein diet, so what’s wrong? What more can I do if doing the “right” thing isn’t working? And why should I deprive myself of weekly treats if I’m only gonna get bigger anyway? I’d literally have to starve myself to keep my weight even right where it’s at right now. I have no rights to my own life and now no rights to my own body. And I’m supposed to think he’ll let me do dolls? It’s all about what God wants me to be and to hell with what I may want. Why don’t I just be a good girl, give him what he wants, up my calories to 1,500 a day and just let myself get as heavy as he sees fit? If I’m not meant to be thin again, then there’s nothing I can do to change that. If I’m meant to be heavy, then it’d be as much of a waste of time crying over it as it’d be to cry over my being short. No one can say I didn’t at least try. If people like Roseanne Barr can get through life on the heavy side, then so can I. There really isn’t anything I do now that I couldn’t do as a heavy person anyway, short of rocking out. I could work on the computer, I could read, I could watch TV, etc. I could even keep my muscles strong with the Bowflex and the pedaling. I’m tired of trying to be something I can never be. From now on, if I’m going to work really hard, I’d prefer it to be for something a little more achievable.

Later…

Those fucking dogs! It’s a good thing there wasn’t any garbage in the burn bin cuz they got into it again. I went and picked up the few pieces of tin foil they tore out and replaced the lid. A couple of dogs were barking by the pipes this morning till I shooed them off, too. One was a huge poodle!

Once we get to around noontime, it’s so beautiful out. Makes me glad I am in Arizona between then and sundown.

I was thinking more about this odd coincidence here with Mary getting sick. She’d probably be quicker to believe I did it than I would be. She’s the one who believes attitude affects things (yeah, that’s why I lost the weight I was so sure I was going to lose) and that it’s a mind-over-matter kind of life we live, unlike me who believes more in fate. There have been too many things I was negative about only to achieve positive results, and too many things I was positive about only to achieve negative results to say that attitude’s connected, though perhaps it’s different for everyone.

Anyway, I thought of a few test subjects with a wide variety, though I highly doubt it’ll work only because I still think I have to be pissed when I do it and pissed at the person I’m trying to curse if I can really do it at all. In other words, while I’m pissed at one person, I don’t think I can curse another. Also, although I am pissed at the people who are fucking with our house payments, I don’t think I can blindly place curses on people I don’t know. If that were the case, I just might send the whole damn world to hell! That’d surely keep them off my ass.

The test subjects, since I certainly don’t want to test someone I care about (although most people are like milk. Eventually they sour), are going to be whoever’s fucking with our house payments, the cheeks (we don’t hate him, but hey, we don’t like him either), and this warped lady rat that’s just sitting around wasting space and money cuz Tom just has to disagree with me and insist we keep her cuz I don’t want to.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 30, 2003
I remembered yesterday that I wanted more mugs from Webshots to replace my old, chipped cat/dog collection. I decided on a few more rat pictures and a mouse shot. Actually, it’ll be two different pictures side by side on a screen-sized background that I’ll upload when the time comes. Their mugs are $10 each for their 12 oz. mugs and I think I’ll get 4 of them. I’ll probably order them all at once too, which means I’ll get them in mid-March or sooner. Then that will be one more thing out of the way and I can concentrate on saving for dolls and clothes.

A nurse left a message yesterday with advice that wasn’t very helpful. Most of it is stuff I already know and do. She said the doc said to have 1,200 calories a day, drink more water, have low-carbs, try an over-the-counter stool softener he recommends (I didn’t bother writing down the name of it), and try Weight Watchers, too. Not a word about fiber.

I think I’ll just stay like I am for a while. My body wouldn’t be hanging onto its extra weight like this if it didn’t think it needed it. Besides, I could be a lot worse than I am, but like I said before, I’m pretty small and fit for a woman my age.

Later…

Tom’s in the shower now and I asked his opinion as far as what the doctor said. He says he thinks I should try the shit softener they recommend, and that maybe we can both join Weight Watchers. I wouldn’t mind the extra help of a program like WW, I had just thought it’d be even more appointments and a lot of money. However, they’re saying they’re not too expensive these days since you don’t have to buy their food, and you can do it online, so that’s the good point right there since not everyone can attend the meetings or wants to.

I also question just how complicated and or effective it may be and for how long. I mean, if things like Weight Watchers and Jenny Craig really work, then why aren’t we all skinny?

I finally had a full flow today along with major cramps.

I also asked Tom’s opinion on the mugs. I’ve got 4 mugs picked out, and I asked him if he thought I should get one at a time, two at a time, or all at a time, and he says one at a time, so I guess that’s the way I’ll do it. After all, they don’t have any shipping deals the more you order.

These damn rats, particularly Little Fella, have been rather leaky lately. I never had such territory markers before! It’s gotten to be rather bad. Every time I pick up Little Fella, especially after he’s been in the closet, he’s wet. He even marked Tom’s bed! He thinks he owns the whole house.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 29, 2003
I’m up a pound from last week to 127. Yeah, the diet’s going pitifully slow, and lately, I’ve barely been able to make any progress at all. Something up there does not want me to lose weight. It’s just too obvious. I can’t think of any reason other than to spite me that it would get in my way, but whatever it is, it’s definitely in my way.

I know slow progress is better than no progress, but I’d prefer the faster route. Especially since the general rule of slower weight loss not returning as easily doesn’t apply to me. I can gain it back just as quickly and as easily if I lose 1 pound a week, and having lost just 6 pounds in 4 weeks, I’m pretty close to that as it is.

What do you do when you’re doing everything right, but it still doesn’t seem to bring much in the way of results? I left a message at the doctor’s office, letting them know I’ve got my calories cut to 1000-1200 a day, I’m exercising regularly, I’m avoiding sugar and having very little starch, yet I’m stuck a lot and when I do go, it’s not much. I asked them if they could recommend something that wouldn’t add a substantial amount of calories to my diet, and Tom and I figured they’d probably tell me to take fiber supplements. The question is, will they work? Because if they don’t, nothing will.

On the flip side, I know I could look a lot worse than I do and that I don’t look like I weigh as much as I do. Today I wore the shorts I grew out of at 120 pounds over a year ago. If I weren’t working out like I am, I’d never be this size at 127 pounds. I’d be way bigger. So maybe I can keep getting fewer inches for the weight like I have been if I can’t ultimately lose any more weight. At this point, I’d settle for getting down to 110-115, which is what the doctor recommended in light of my muscle weight, but I don’t even know if that’s possible. Tom says that on a scale of 1 to 10, omitting my age, I’m about a 6 or 7 as far as my overall fitness level/appearance goes, and an 8 or 9 for my age.

I forgot to say that I got a kick out of Mary’s answer to Suzanne when she asked if she thought the experiences she’s been through have made her stronger and she said, “Yeah, ain’t that funny?”

And the experiences I’ve gone through have only made me want to isolate myself even more. Ain’t that funny too? If I never had neighbors again in my life it’d be too soon!

I checked on a map to see where Fort Myers is and it’s way down there on the Gulf side. Great location for hurricanes! I wonder just how much longer after the 7th she’ll be here?

Anyway, back to the diet thing; I really hope it is just a case of my needing fiber supplements. Somehow I doubt it’ll be that easy for me. Especially if I’m right in my belief about something up there trying to block me from doing what I’m trying to do. Even my periods are fouled up. I never got the period I was supposed to get, just spots. I’m not that late yet, though, so we’ll see.

The question is, is it cuz of something up there, or is it simply a lack of fiber? I guess it all depends on how you look at it. Some would say God and or evil sources prevented me from being the singer I once wanted to be, and others would say, “No they didn’t. It wasn’t that you couldn’t sing or that something was out to get you. You just didn’t have the connections.” Same as the old baby dream. Some would say, “God and the devil didn’t stop you from conceiving, your husband did. After all, your fertility tests were fine. It was his infrequent cumming and his lack of desire to do anything about it that prevented you from conceiving.”

Anything’s possible, but I just don’t think so. I think God has his plans for all of us and that he sometimes uses others to control us, punish us, and achieve those plans. In other words, a normal sex life wouldn’t have changed destiny. It’s just that I can see it not being in my destiny to be a singer, to be a mom, and maybe not even a dollmaker, but not to lose weight? How can it not be in anyone’s “destiny” not to lose weight? If that’s the case with me then that just goes to show the extremes to which I’m controlled.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 28, 2003
Paula left a message saying she has to return to court on February 11th but didn’t say what for or anything else about it.

If this month finishes up without the cheeks stopping by, I’d say we’re looking at a 70% probability that he’ll never be back to bug me here. After I got the piss test out of the way I really felt like I’d finally reached the beginning of the end. I only hope I’m not kidding myself. You just never know when it comes to the law. They’re famous for throwing all kinds of curveballs at you.

His not showing up lately, though, does make sense. Tom thinks the main reason they do house calls is to see if you’re doing anything wrong, and while that may certainly be a factor, I think the main reason is to see if you’ve run. Any normal, reasonable PO would figure, well, she’s only got 9 months left out of a 30-month sentence, so why would she come this far just to run now?

I already made an order from Ashton-Drake with the first of my budget money, plus silver change I had saved up. Yesterday I was browsing through their site to see what was new and there I found a $20 bronze figurine of a gorgeous ballerina named Lily. It’s 10½ high and posed unlike any of my porcelain ballerinas.

Unfortunately, it has to go through the PO, but we might get a tracking link for it. Tom will check later. We had a choice of waiting 6-10 weeks for it, or for just $4 more, we could have it shipped within 6 business days, so we opted for that which would put it here on the 5th. As with any doll coming to the PO, though, I worry it’ll make it to me without a problem.

I actually got a little color on my chest the day I sat out while he worked on the trucks, and I tried to today, only I kept getting assaulted by flies.

I cannot believe how many dogs we’ve got running loose in this town! Especially where there are so few houses. If this 10-acre lot were in Phoenix, there’d be 60 houses on it. Most of the lots within a 10-mile radius of our house are 10-acre lots, so where are all these damn dogs coming from and why won’t anybody in this state other than Mary allow their dogs indoors? There were 4 of them yesterday that cut through a corner of the land, then Tom said a little dog strode on over the other day. Yesterday I saw a dog I’d never seen before, and today I spotted a little puppy!

Because it’s been a while, I decided to send Mom a quick note, thanking her for the Christmas money, telling her about the pedals we got, and other trivial things. I also told her that if the reason Mary hasn’t answered my email is that I may’ve offended her with the superimposed pictures of her I sent, then I’m sorry, though at the same time, I’m not. I’m sure she’ll understand that I wanted to teach her a lesson by giving her a taste of her own medicine because I’m sick of her offending me with my own pictures. I explained to Mom that in light of how often she’s used other people’s pictures for this or for that, I assumed it’d be okay to do the same with her pictures. On the other hand, one can only spend so much time trying to please others or else it’ll drive them crazy, as I’m sure she’ll also understand. If Mary’s decided she doesn’t want anything to do with me, so be it. I simply can’t spend my time worrying that the things I say/do might upset others, and this is the truth. My days of trying to please others are over within reason. I don’t normally set out to deliberately be a mean, compassionless person, as I told her, but I’m not going to sit and cry over someone’s hurt feelings either if they don’t like something I do. As I’d tell anyone, if you don’t like me, don’t have anything to do with me, cuz if I don’t like you, you bet I’m going to do all I can to do the same. With my husband the rules are different, and as I told Tom, as long as he loves me, the rest of the world can hate me for all I care. I can’t deal with fragile assholes like Mary. She’s just gotten to be way too moody, sensitive, and non-tolerant for my taste. I don’t know if this has to do with the freeloaders or not, but either way, I don’t care anymore! Nor will I care if Mom doesn’t understand my letter and decides to brush me off too, though I think she’ll understand just fine. I have a strong feeling Tom and I aren’t the only ones Mary’s driven crazy with the photo sessions. I mean, this is no hobby of Mary’s. This is literally a full-scale obsession. Just one look at her walls will tell you that as they’re literally covered with pictures, mostly of herself and her nieces. There’s barely any wall space free of pictures. I’m surprised the bitch hasn’t plastered her ceiling with them yet! Meanwhile, I spoke my mind and all I can continue to do is my best with people. That’s all anyone can do.

Later…

Okay, it’s definitely, definitely next door’s dogs that have been doing the bulk of the barking, and as I just proved to Tom, they do come barking onto the land, so there’s no defending, playing down or making excuses for them. He kept insisting he’s never seen the dogs on the land, but as I told him, just cuz he hasn’t seen them doesn’t mean I haven’t and that they don’t come over here cuz they do.

It appears that while they still have the small black dog, they now have a medium tan dog instead of a medium black dog unless I just haven’t seen the bigger black one. The tan one was just standing there a little beyond where the car is parked barking at us as we stood on the front steps. I first heard it barking from my office. The kid was out there too, at the edge of their property. He was just standing there dumbly, not even calling the dogs or anything.

Tom said he wondered if it was barking at the cat, though I didn’t see the cat that usually hangs out here, and like I told him, they seem to do it just to do it. They bark on and off from sunset to sunrise. It’s been horrible lately. They used to keep their dogs on their land, but those days are well in the past now. The dog was barking like it wanted to get someone’s attention over here too, looking expectantly at the front door, wagging its tail. Yesterday when I shooed it and the black one away from the front of the house, it was wagging its tail playfully, happy to see someone and to get attention. It’s obviously like most dogs out here, been cast outdoors as if it were old furniture, ignored and neglected.

I just wish we could get that fucking truck running and the place fenced! We’d still hear them, but not nearly as much.

MONDAY, JANUARY 27, 2003
Woke up at 125½. So I’m averaging about a two-pound drop each week. Still kind of slow, but at least the weight’s going.

The weather’s been gorgeous. I sat outside for a while yesterday. Today we’re supposed to have a record high of 82˚. I don’t know if I’ll bother sitting out, though, as white as I am.

Now I’m not sure if the nighttime or early morning barking I’ve been hearing is the renter’s dogs or next door’s. When I poked my head out the side door at 8:00 this morning, it sounded like they could be coming from Dan’s place. It’s been bad lately, that’s for sure. Hopefully, it’ll get better as the weather warms back up. We still may have a little ways to go, but I doubt we’ll have any more freezes.

Tom ordered a new cylinder head, but now, who knows how long it’ll be before the truck’s running, licensed and registered? We may not have to choose between fences and the kiln in the end. I mean, the choice may be made for us, cuz if the truck’s not running we can’t get the fences unless we have Dave haul them.

Tom has a cold for sure this time around, but as usual, I’ve escaped catching anything. However, I slept rather poorly last night as my allergies kept waking me up. That’s been happening a lot lately where I wake up unable to breathe out of my nose. Tom says I shouldn’t open the windows so much. It’s hard, though, not to want to take advantage of letting fresh air in here when it doesn’t smell like shit. You spend so much of the year being shut up cuz of the heat, that it’s nice when you can open windows.

Tom gave me the first of my allowance money, as I call it, so that way I can keep track of what I’ve got.

I had Tom pick me up white paper at the grocery store. It’s thinner, but not much of a bleeder because I’m using a laserjet. Ink tends to bleed through it more than powder does. I should be able to print Mary’s stuff back to back without a problem.

I went and printed out the ’98 and ’99 journals just because I’m so sick of the fine-tuning job. Besides, who cares how I wrote what 5 years ago? The sick freeloaders and the courts might care, but I don’t. I wrote what I wrote, how I wrote it, and so be it. Those days are over with.

I reorganized my radio stations, knocking off the rap station I had on my list. I’m just so sick of hearing about gangs and violence. They are what they’ve made themselves. That’s all I can say.

Last night I could’ve sworn I heard this soft knocking sound while Tom was in the shower and I was in bed reading, but neither of us saw anything suspicious.

Tom got a couple of toner cartridges from work that were leftover, so that’s good, although I shouldn’t be printing nearly as much stuff now. I’ll actually be printing more for Mary than myself. For myself, I’ll only be printing out my current and future journals. I’ll probably do printouts every 3 months.

Midge, one of Barbie’s friends, has a “pregnant” version of herself. I thought it was cool and different, but understandably, it turned out to be a controversial doll. The idea was to promote family, and that’s fine. But what about being single? What about being gay? What about being straight and childless? There are other lifestyles to consider and it’s just too stereotypical. If you’re going to promote one lifestyle, you should promote others as well.

I was kind of surprised to spot it online in the first place. After all, we’re living in a time when work is in and family is out.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 26, 2003
Tom and I sat down and discussed our new budget plans. We decided we should each get $15 every payday, which is twice a month, for spending money. We decided on $85 a week for groceries and that we’d split any leftover money. We’re also going to be setting aside money to save. We want to ultimately get $5,000 or so saved. His mom isn’t going to live forever, and should we need thousands of dollars like we did for the well, there’d be no one to run to for help once she’s gone.

So, we decided how much to set aside for various things. Maybe this can be an added incentive to lose more weight (I’m back to 126) as the more I save on food, the quicker I can get something.

I may not get any more colored paper for a while because white paper is so much cheaper. It’s $10 for 500 sheets of colored paper, yet for just $5 more I can get 1,500 sheets of white paper.

I was thinking I’d start with those $30 fairies from Ashton, then get a few fashion dolls, then probably save for some more Ashton dolls, since the HSC doesn’t have their dolls for nearly as long. For example, I know it’s no use to save for a $200 doll they may have that I like as it’d only be gone by the time I got the money saved. It’d take just about 7 months to save that much if I didn’t save on groceries along the way.

I finished the 1997 file.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 25, 2003
Yesterday turned out to be a gorgeous day so I couldn’t resist strolling around the land. It was one of those days where it was rather warm in a T-shirt but too chilly for halters and things like that.

Since barbed wire is cheaper than grids, we talked about a barbed wire fence with closer gaps at the lower part of it to keep smaller dogs from getting through. We talked about having the bottom strand 6” off the ground, then an 8” gap between the first and second strands, then a 10” gap between the second and third, and a foot between the rest. If this doesn’t work, we’ll run a low-voltage wire around the base that will zap them away. Meanwhile, the big dogs, which are mostly what we’ve got running around loose here, couldn’t get in for sure.

I’m still not sure what I want first, that or the kiln.

Later…

The renters are making us feel anything but secluded today. Why must the most crowded rental be closest to us, huh? There are a ton of people out there right now. There’s got to be at least half a dozen adults and half a dozen kids. At least they’re quiet, though you can hear voices outside. Not surprisingly, the main attraction is the horse I still would’ve preferred them not to have gotten. They live their whole lives out front and at the right side of their place, the two sides exposed to us. Those in the other rentals probably can’t see them, though they no doubt can hear them. I appreciate the fact that they don’t play music for us, but still, why couldn’t a couple move in there who were out all day?

Right now someone’s running the horse round and round in circles again. I hope they don’t tame the horse so they can ride it. I don’t want them stealing even more of our privacy by cruising by the side and front of our house, even if they would be a couple of hundred feet away. I have a feeling, though, that if they really do end up being unhappy with this horse, they’ll just get one they can ride and be content with. They’re not going to just give up and waste the little corral they put up.

Tom says we’ll have oleanders and bougainvilleas blocking them out by the fall, but I don’t believe it.

He says that right now he’s going to see about getting the white truck running. I don’t believe that either, but if he’s able to, he’s going to begin making our new circular driveway we want in front and get the damn pipes covered for once and for all so no dogs can play with them as if they were these giant dog bones. Then, whenever we get the damn fences, which probably will be barbed wire, he’ll secure them with a cement covering so the monsoon’s hard rains can’t do what they did before and wash the dirt off of them.

Anyway, it’s another gorgeous, clean-smelling day out there so I’ve got the windows open.

I don’t think I can flip my schedule around in time for my dentist appointment on the 3rd, so I’ll be staying on days till after the 5th (the next freeloader day). I got up at 6 AM today and won’t let myself sleep later than 10:00 till then.

I just finished typing up a draft where Mary talks to one of Justin’s lawyers, and I can’t for the life of me figure out why the hell Mary would bother. He’s her enemy. The shit cock appeared all sympathetic towards Mary, only to tell Suzanne he was going to basically turn right around and stab her in the back by saying that she did it as Justin’s defense. Yet he himself admitted Justin was crazy and guilty as hell. How can he do that and then go home and sleep at night? I just don’t get it. I mean, there are some very warped human beings in this world, that’s for sure, and I don’t see why Suzanne would even think of having Mary talk to any of Justin’s defense attorneys or pigs. None of them are on her side.

I feel almost as bad for Mary for the way she’s been treated since losing Gretchen, as I do for her for losing her in the first place.

And another crazy thing is that the judge won’t allow Mary to mention Gretchen’s name or Justin’s lunacy, saying the jury would automatically convict him of Gretchen’s murder out of prejudice if she did.

But that’s what they should do. He is crazy and he did kill her, so why should anything be done to hinder them from doing the right thing?

I always said judges were fucked up for a reason, didn’t I? They’re just as bad!

Anyway, the wind’s now blowing easterly, which means that standing by the open kitchen window, I can hear voices here and there, but with my office on the other side of the house, I can’t hear them in there. It’ll really suck when there’s a house across the way, cuz I know it’ll just have to be a big family, they’ll just have to live outdoors and in front, and someone will just have to be home 24/7.

Later…

I just shut all the windows to keep the smoke out of here. Yeah, they’re barbecuing back there now, and I swear there’s got to be half a dozen cars there. They’re about the rowdiest I’ve ever seen them, but fortunately, I still have yet to hear music from them. I wonder if it’s a special occasion or if this is going to be a regular occurrence, particularly on weekends? And are they going to be this active in the summer heat? They’re going to have to be out at least a little more often than they were last summer to feed and water the horse, which Tom said he saw someone riding. I didn’t see anyone on it yet myself, though.

Again, nothing could ever be as annoying as city noise out here, but if we did have a pool and a porch in back or towards the side where the master bedroom is, it would not be very peaceful, and we’d sure as shit have no privacy. Not without those hedges.

Anyway, there’s no music and they’re not just a few feet away, so I may as well get used to their presence cuz they’re not going away. Not anytime soon from what I can tell and vibe.

FRIDAY, JANUARY 24, 2003
I gained 4 pounds in just two days of eating. Although I haven’t had sugar yet this year, the bulk of what I ate was starch, so that’s almost as bad. If I’d eaten the same quantity/calorie amount, but in meat or veggies, I may not have gained so much back.

I realize now that no, the bike doesn’t have anything to do with the weight loss. After all, I always said that only a good old-fashioned diet can cause weight loss. The water pills do help, though.

Once again I’m asking myself if I want to continue on only to achieve something that can be so easily lost. It’s just that I could end up gaining hundreds of pounds if I eat whenever I’m hungry. Most people reach a maximum weight and settle into whatever they’re going to be as long as they won’t diet, but with me, there is no max. I’d just keep gaining and gaining. I wouldn’t gain 30, 40, 50 pounds like most people, then just stop.

Maybe, with the aid of the water pills, I’ll get down to 105 as originally planned and bounce between that and 110. Meaning, I’ll take two days a week off, then spend the rest of the week working off whatever I gained from my days off. I can’t just get down to 105 and expect to stay there unless I diet every single day for the rest of my life and never take a day off which is simply not going to happen.

The truck’s both better and not better. It’s running much more smoothly now, but it’s smoking way too much. Tom’s not only worried it’ll flunk inspection, but that a pig will pull him over before he could even get there, and you know you can’t even go a block without running into a cruiser. It’s going to cost us another $300 for the parts needed to make it run more clearly. Tom insists it won’t keep costing us a few hundred every few weeks/months, saying that the thing has only so many parts anyway. He says we can probably use it for hauling things for many years to come.

I forgot to mention that Scot won the Probation Officer of 2001 award. When I saw the plaque on his office wall, I nearly laughed out loud. I mean, what did he win it for? For being so serious most of the time? For being overly by the book? For going bald and covering it with a baseball cap every day of his life?

I wonder if the black bitch ever fears me (for real) and wonders if I’m going to do anything after October, or if jail really got me off her ass for good? Then again, it doesn’t matter what she thinks. There’ll never be any justice in this case and we all know it. She and her cronies fucked me over, they got away with it, and so be it. They won, I lost, and there’s not a damn thing I can ever do about it. All I can do is use what I’ve learned and apply it to the batch of sickos that may move in and fuck with us from properties closest to us in the future, which means we’d move. There’d be nothing to say or do but move anyway, cuz nothing we said or did would help us or change anything.

The things that we went through in Phoenix versus out here tells me that although we were cursed in both places, we were cursed for different reasons. With the freeloaders, it was simply to punish us in a place we were stuck in. There was no way out at the time. We couldn’t simply up and move from there anytime we wanted to or else we’d have moved much sooner than we did. It wanted us to stay right where we were and to have to sit and listen to next door’s shit.

Here, though, it wants us out. It’s pissed we came here and the troubles we’ve had here seem to be mainly punishment for moving. Especially the part where I’m forced to leave here for half a year.

Our latest punishment for moving here is that the bank that deals with our loan/mortgage is demanding we pay a couple hundred more bucks each month. That puts it from $850 to $1,050. Although Tom says we could afford to pay as much as $1,100 a month, he’s fighting it because one, it’s not fair, and two, they’re breaking a legally binding contract.

To back up a bit, Tom had told me he was trying to get extra money from the bank and that they were ripping us off with the payments, and not to bother answering out-of-area calls, which I normally don’t anyway as 9 out of 10 times they’re sales calls.

Then, after Tom left for work yesterday afternoon, I went out to feed the prairie dogs (which really are ground squirrels, even though I still call them prairie dogs). When I turned around to go back in the house, I found a 2-page legal document taped to the door.

The document looked a little scary to me what with the paragraph that talked about auctioning off our house on March 26th. I paged Tom immediately, and he assured me that he’d have it all worked out in a couple of weeks and that there was no chance of us losing the house, not that I don’t have mixed emotions about moving anyway. Meaning, it wouldn’t be the end of the world as long as we stayed out of the city and never again lived in a 50-year-old 1400-square-foot dive.

When he got in this morning, he explained it to me in full, telling me of all the different options we have. As he said, he initiated this because he knew we were getting ripped off, and all they’re trying to do is bully him around a bit in hopes that he’ll cave in and just allow them to keep ripping us off, but he says he won’t, and that if it came down to it, we’ll take them to court. However, the reason he doubts it’ll come to that is that the bank wouldn’t want the bad publicity it’d bring over a couple of hundred bucks a month. As it is there’s a class-action suit against the bank for not paying their employees overtime like they did with Tom. He thinks they’ll be willing to settle out of court, though, and while they may not back the payments back to the $850 they’re legally supposed to be, he thinks he can get it down $100.

It all makes us all the more wish we could strike it rich, dump society altogether and just go live on the ocean for the rest of our lives, only docking every few months for supplies and to shop for fun stuff. Since that’s not likely, I find myself thinking more of a house in the woods somewhere. It’s not that I’m unhappy here. Not by a long shot. This isn’t Phoenix, we don’t have freeloading assholes next to us who can’t sit still and shut up, I do love this house; it’s just that the freeloaders know we live here, even if that probably doesn’t mean anything, and I don’t like the openness. As I told Tom, though, no place we could live could ever be as bad as Doe and Art’s, Brattleboro, Valleyhead or Estrella, and we’d always have each other. Also, I know each place we could live would have its pros and cons, so it kind of balances things out anyway.

Tom told me that on his way to work, before I discovered the papers on the door, some guy was outside with court papers, claiming it was about a foreclosure on someone else’s house.

“Then what would he be doing here?” I asked Tom this morning. “See, I think he was shitting you because he didn’t want to have to deal with handing you the papers personally and then have to deal with your reaction. Besides, I never heard a knock on the door. That alone tells me he saw you were leaving, watched the house from wherever then came back in when you were gone.”

I wonder if the old guy looking for this other guy was connected to this but at that hour?

Why, oh why, though, are we such a magnet for rip-offs?! I mean, I know everyone gets taken advantage of, but it seems we really are one of the extremes. When it comes to being ripped off, leaks, and things breaking, we’re way ahead of most people.

The question we’ve been asking ourselves is, should we get the fence or the kiln first? If I still had two or more years of probation, I’d definitely opt to do the fence first, but now I don’t know. Yes, I’d like to keep dogs off our property and make it a real nuisance for people to bug us, but I really want to get on with the dollmaking once and for all, too.

Mary sent me some book drafts and some sexual fantasies to type up, along with a quick note saying her book looks great, she’ll be sending stamps soon and that Suzanne secured an order for her to be allowed to be at Justin’s sentencing hearing. Then after that, there’ll be an extradition hearing. Why she needs to be at the sentencing hearing when someone can always tell her what the sentence was, and why there needs to be an extradition hearing, beats me.

Since putting air fresheners in the car doesn’t last long, I think I’ll take the remaining two Vanillaroma fresheners and stick one in here and one in the master bath.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 23, 2003
We were in and out of Scot’s in a flash, then it was off to a rather fun day.

Instead of going to the dollar store and the grocery store, we went to Office Max and Walmart, though we did stop for lunch as planned. He got a burger and fries and I got the Chinese I’d been craving for eons. I probably shouldn’t get it again too soon as their portions are huge. I only ordered a side of pork fried rice and some shrimp egg foo young, yet I’ve got enough food here to last a few days!

The food bumped me back up a pound. I thought it’d be two pounds, but see how easy it would be to undo all I’ve done? It’s just that I couldn’t undo it as quickly as I could if I weren’t pedaling.

We went to Office Max so Tom could check out chairs, but he didn’t find any he really liked.

At Walmart, we got a lot of stuff for the car, including fuzzy leopard car seat covers and carpet for the floor.

For me, I got a few bushels of flowers each for a buck (a couple with pink roses and one with irises). I got raspberry-scented bubble bath with Rapunzel Barbie’s picture on it (I guess she’s a really popular Barbie right now). I got a 3-pack of flavored lip gloss, a sports bra, and some really cool gold glittery lip gloss. It’s the most glittery I’ve had yet.

Lastly, for just a few bucks I got a Barbie nightgown for Chris that ended up on Jade. It wouldn’t quite cover the soft part of Chris’ legs because the gown was cut higher at the sides. Jade’s jacket fits Chris just fine, but her pants were too short, so I took an old jumpsuit of mine (a combination of t-shirt/shorts) and cut it above the waistband. These made the perfect shorts for Chris, only I had to pin them in back as they were a bit large on her. It looks like she’s got culottes on, actually, and the jacket covers the pinned waist, though it’d be hard to see anyway with the way she’s sitting on the loveseat.

For now, Jade’s pants will wait for someone new to wear them.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 22, 2003
I was surprised when Tom came home without any mail from Mary. It makes me wonder if she moved already.

We were also surprised to receive the new carburetor in the mail. Tom thought he was going to have to pick it up in person.

Today’s a freeloader day. Gotta go report, hope I’m in and out without incident, then it’s off to the dollar store, the grocery store, and for some Chinese take-out. Today will be a good test to see just how easily I gain the weight back using the bike (I call it a bike, even though it’s not literally a bike). I woke up at 126 even. I have a feeling that had I not taken water pills yesterday and a couple of days ago, I would still be struggling to get under 128.

I can’t believe how easy the bike is, yet so effective! I can very easily do 30-60 minutes a day. Never again will I use that boring, clanky, back-breaking rower or that boring treadmill. The bike’s definitely the best. I can watch TV while I use it and actually hear it or I can read. And all without straining my back, killing my feet, or jarring my knees and ankles like jogging. Also, I get a good workout that’s not too kick-ass. You should have an elevated heartbeat that’s comfortable and not feel like your heart’s going to explode.

I decorated my inhalers yesterday by printing out a few floral pictures I taped around them.

Tom suggested I just go ahead and print journals on one side of each page, and I think that’s what I’ll do.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 21, 2003
Woke up again at 126½. Looks like I’m going to be stuck today too, so I’ll probably take a water pill. I’m close enough to my period to do so anyway. It’s just that the shit makes me a little drowsy.

Tomorrow I’ll be pigging out on Chinese so I may end up putting back most of what I lost. That’s how easily set back I can be.

Thanks to the freeloaders, Tom had to go to work last night. He got in a short while ago and crashed. He’s got to be back at work earlier today. Like at 4 PM. Then he’ll sleep from about 2 AM – 8 AM, then we’ll leave for Casa Grande at 9:00.

I just hope things will be okay from here on out, but again, 9 months seems a bit long for something not to come up. Wouldn’t it just be oh so wonderful, though, if I could know that from here on out my only burden was to make sure I was on schedule for reporting every other week and that was it? Well, I don’t know if it’ll be that simple from here on out, but at least I don’t have to report at a set time as that would only make it much harder and more stressful. To think that I might only have to see Scot’s face just 18 more times after tomorrow is just wonderful! Nothing against Scot. It’s just that he’s connected to the freeloaders, so naturally, he makes me think of them. Anytime I see or think of Scot, I remember the freeloaders. They go hand in hand just like with the K and even Teddy Bear. Thinking of and remembering the freeloaders is something I do well enough on my own without any connection reminders for help.

The freeloaders also put a hold on Mary’s mail which I almost dread getting. It’s like, how many favors you got for me this time around?

At least the freeloaders gave me a day off from the cheeks. Then again, it’s hardly a “day off” when you don’t expect him in the first place. If he doesn’t come by March, then I’ll start to seriously think that the home visits were truly over as of last August. If only I’d know it, if that’s really the case, as that would’ve eased a lot of the stress. On the other hand, like God would do anything to help ease my freeloader-related stress? Yeah, right!

Tom said he was working on dealing with the bank, cuz he suspects they’ve been ripping us off by having us pay more per month than we’re supposed to.

Why must everyone use us at will and rip us off? Huh? Why do people love to take advantage of us so damn much? Are we that easy? Do we look like these vulnerable, gullible suckers or something or does this happen to everybody? I don’t know about that. I mean, it really seems like we’re the extremes in this case.

The Dead Zone’s gotten to be rather boring and predictable. And of course, what’s a series after 1990 without childbirth in it? It’s just so old! Besides, I may not have wanted a kid for about 5 years now, but still, I don’t need to see this shit and risk rekindling old desires. Wanting a kid you can’t have is the ultimate torture, the worst thing God can do to a woman. He may have a lot of people fooled as to what he really stands for, but I see right through him. I don’t care how crazy it sounds; I know he’s a mean and vengeful God. I don’t see him punishing me with that all over again once the freeloaders are out of my life, but how convenient that’d be since there’d be no one too close to sic on me. It’s a scary thought too, and as the end of this 7-year nightmare gets closer, the more I wonder – what’ll it be next? What will he whip my ass with next, other people, financial problems, health problems, or will I fall into a deep depression of some kind for reasons I can’t even begin to imagine at this time?

Actually, for me the absolute worst thing he could do, if he ever decided to hate me that much, and luckily I don’t think he does, would be to have Tom killed, be it in a car wreck, an illness, etc. If he really knows all, though, then he would know that killing him meant killing me as I’d be right up to join my husband in a heartbeat!

Oh, I have more shitty news to add to the list too, and that’s that they’re no longer going to make stock options available to employees at the bank. That really sucks big time. Next January, we might be able to make one last sell-out, but that will be it.

Lisa turned 20 yesterday. I couldn’t care less about everyone else, but I’ll always wonder about Lisa. At this point, she’s still probably quite naïve, with still many years ahead of misery, loneliness and cigarettes. I wonder, though, did she get out of the house? And if so, how did she get out, where did she go and what’s she doing?

Guess I’ll go proofread now. I’m less than a month away from quitting smoking and I don’t even know it. Not a clue! About two more years to go too, before the freeloaders switch from being a visual/audio part of my life to a financial/steal-my-freedom part of my life.

Later…

Oh, that damn laser jet! It’s all well and good and all that, but I get so many paper jams. Particularly when doing flipsides of pages. It makes me wonder if when printing journals I should print on only one side of the paper, do the flipside with the inkjet, or quit printing journals altogether.

I just had an idea. I’ll go and print ’03 at the end of the year on one side of the paper, then I’ll flip the pages upside down and over and do ’04 on that side. During the year, the paper will have time to settle out flat.

MONDAY, JANUARY 20, 2003
God help the freeloaders’ neighbors today, whoever they may be. The shit I went through with them makes me wonder if they’re just as rude as they were to us, or if this has caused them to settle down a bit, but I doubt it. I don’t think they’re capable of getting along with others and being considerate of those around them. I think they live in their own little obnoxious world and to hell with who may have to deal with it. Besides, why should they worry about neighbors who complain about them when they know they can get them thrown in jail?

I was thinking about that and their pig pal. Both Tom and I agree that judging by the way they were carrying on in court, they are friends. However, there are a few things that just don’t add up. If they’re really buddy-buddies, then why didn’t the pig come after me when the default warrant was issued? And why didn’t he book me the day he dragged me to the station? And why, when asked something about sending forms pertaining to me to the DA or filing them, did he say to file them? These are the only things that don’t make sense to me.

I’m just so sick of blacks, Mexicans, and all the problems they add to our already fucked up society. If they’re really “just like us,” then why are the bulk of them the jobless criminals that they are? I don’t buy it when they claim they can’t get decent jobs cuz of discrimination. Some might really get discriminated against, but for the most part, they use that and the past as a crutch, an excuse to just sit on their lazy asses. They are what they make themselves to be.

And when are we ever going to have equal rights? When can we have our white TV channels and our white beauty pageants like they can have their black this and black that without being called racists?

I really think we should go back to segregation. I mean, the idea of mixing used to be wonderful to me, but now that I see all the controversy and turmoil it causes, I think we’d be asking for less trouble if we segregated ourselves. You simply can’t order everyone to get along with each other. There are always going to be groups who hate other groups. The Arabs hate the Jews who hate the blacks who hate the Hispanics who hate the Indians, etc., and like it or not, this is the way it’s always going to be. Fortunately, though, you don’t have too many states pushing so hard at deseg like Arizona does. Tom says it’s just the opposite and that this state’s got one of the highest prejudice rates there is, but if that’s the case, then why is everyone running around kissing their asses out here, which of course, is sending the wrong message? All it’s doing is saying to minorities is, “It’s okay to pick on whites or to do this or to do that cuz this state will let you get away with it due to your color.”

I woke up at 126.5 and I was stuck yesterday, too. The question is, how much of it is real weight-loss, versus water loss? I did take a water pill yesterday. Nonetheless, maybe I really can lose a decent amount of weight. I’ll just be doing it in slow motion and could still be dieting in June at the rate I’m going, but I guess I don’t mind the wait. Slower is better than never at all.

Tom says that for my age I look fine, but if I were 17, I’d be chunky.

And if I’d had kids I’d be considered anorexic, since pregnancy leaves 90% of women much heavier than they were beforehand, and they almost never lose the weight, either. I guess that’s another reason to be glad kids weren’t meant to be or else I probably would be stuck in the 140s, 150s or maybe even higher. You usually gain 50-60 pounds during pregnancy and you only lose about 20 upon delivery. What’s left over is yours to keep.

Anyway, I started at 133 and my goal is to get to 105. When I get to 118, which will be right around the halfway mark, I’ll have Tom take another picture. 118 still seems worlds away!

I asked Tom if he thought I’d still be skinny if I were still alone, broke and smoking, and he said no. I don’t know, though. It’s just that upon reading back, the weight gain does seem to be more connected to quitting smoking than to age. I quit smoking at about 108. Just 4 months later I was 125 and ever since then, nothing’s been the same. Losing weight hasn’t been nearly as easy as it used to be. I doubt I’d have remained around 100 pounds all my life had I been able to keep on smoking, but I don’t think I’d be nearly as big as I am today.

If only I didn’t have asthma and if only a pack of cigarettes were the 75¢ they used to be when I started smoking in – what year was it – 1979?

Anyway, technically I’m down nearly 10 pounds since I did peak at 136. It’s just that by the time the actual diet began, I had slipped down a few pounds.

It must’ve been colder today cuz the heat came on before midnight. Usually, it doesn’t come on till between midnight - 1 AM. It took almost till 2 AM to kick on the other day.

I wish the AC was temperature-sensitive like the heat is, but it’s not. In order to have it comfortable in the daytime, it’d be a freezer in here at night if I didn’t adjust it, and in order to have it comfy at night, it’d be an oven in here during the daytime. It has a mind of its own. In the summer I set it to not come on till it gets up to 82°, yet it goes and kicks in 78°.

Although lots of fun, neither rat goes into the kitchen, making it easier to let them play unsupervised. Those that traveled down to the den and up onto the couch were the ones I had to really watch to keep them from tearing up the couch like Houdini and Little Buddy did.

I’ll be watching Charlie’s Angels in a few hours. What a show that was! Back in those days you rarely had blacks in the picture, and the subject matter wasn’t nearly as depressing as it is now. Back then it was petty crooks, swindlers, scammers, blackmailers, extortionists and murderers (usually amongst business partners). Today it’s all about race, poverty, gangs, child abuse, child molestation, domestic violence and crack whores having crack babies.

I guess they felt that addressing these sickening issues would help curb them, but they obviously thought wrong. People felt that doing this and making stiffer penalties would curb crime but people just don’t understand how invincible criminals think they are. Most criminals are as sure that they’ll never get caught as they are that the sun will rise and set, so no amount of threat of stiff punishment’s gonna stop them.

Earlier I heard the faint traces of bass, and the nighttime dog-barking is still worse than ever.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 19, 2003
Paula called again this morning, and although I heard the phone ring, I didn’t feel like gabbing with her. Being the weekend, she’d want to prattle on for hours. Besides, we just spoke and God knows I can stand to talk to that flake only so often! She sure is funny, though.

I wonder how much of a pest Mary will be when she’s free. If she can be a demanding pest at times locked up, I’d hate to see how she’ll be on the outs. I’m afraid she’ll want to be here constantly to use the computer/printer, but if I have to put my foot down about that, I will. Hopefully, us living where we live won’t make it all that convenient for her to bug us too often anyhow.

I’m slowly rolling back around to days, so if Scot is anywhere near, I’ll be ready for him. Let’s see, so far there’s been 11 visits which took place on 6/18/2001, 7/25/2001, 8/15/2001, 9/13/2001, 1/7/2002, 1/24/2002, 2/13/2002, 3/14/2002, 5/13/2002, 6/24/2002 and 8/8/2002.

I was surprised to weigh 128, two pounds lighter than I woke up at, towards the end of my day and with being stuck again, but then I remembered I took a water pill earlier.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 18, 2003
Up to 2,701 album views, half of which are of my pictures. Another doll shot download, too.

Paula called too, and left a message saying they moved her court date up to May, though she’s still going in on the 23rd. Sounds like the 23rd is a pretrial hearing or something, and May will be her actual sentencing day.

Guess I’ll go do some proofreading now. I’m up to mid-’97. I’m right at the point where the black bums start slamming car doors like crazy and when they got the dog to torment me with after I hauled off at them for basing me out at 6:30 in the morning. Just a couple months away from when they took it out of the back yard one night and tied it to the Jeep’s fender in the carport so it’d be right smack outside our windows, and when she came screaming at our door. Oh, why didn’t I beat the shit out of her then?!?! She had a lot of nerve too, coming to our door and telling me to shut up. Then even more nerve to tell me she was sick of my shit when she and her sick associates were the ones dishing it.

Anyway, it was too obvious that they got the dog just to use it against me, and I remember that I not only felt sorry for the dog but how grateful I was the day the housing people caught her with it and made her get rid of it. That must’ve pissed her the fuck off big time, too.

The question is, how is she gonna feel in a little over 9 months from now when she no longer has any kind of a hold on me?

This time period was also when I began to realize that it takes a lot more than shared blood to make a family. All the years of abuse I took from my family began to have an accumulative effect on me, causing years of simmering emotions to boil over.

FRIDAY, JANUARY 17, 2003
Tom went back to bed shortly after the knocker left. Especially since he has to leave for work at 4 PM today for a meeting.

I hope Paula gets the doll’s dress before the 23rd in case she really does go to jail.

The freeloaders are giving us Monday off. Yeah, it’s MLK Day, so no cheeks that day.

I’m feeling once again like the dollmaking thing is just another joke on me, like it’s never going to happen. Too many things keep coming up to prevent it which tells me something right there. Well, I’ll just do what I said before and forget about it if we still don’t have the kiln come summertime. I’m not going to make the same mistake I made in the past by struggling for things that aren’t meant to be.

Although at only 100 DPI, I went and scanned every picture of Mary’s I have. She has a total of 40 pictures which I’ll burn onto a CD for her once she’s out. I hope she gets her own PC and printer! She certainly could use it. As soon as my PC is upgraded and equipped with a burner of its own, I’ll be making Paula a CD of pictures and journals. That is, after I edit the hell out of them, of course.

Later…

Yesterday, Tom slept longer than I’ve ever known him to in the near-decade we’ve been together. He says the diet’s making him tired. I was tired too, when I first started dieting. I’m now 128 and amazingly regular. Funny thing is, though, I’ve been eating more. Like 1,200 cals. Maybe it really does take twice as long and is twice as hard to diet alone, and maybe the diet and exercise combined really are helping, so I guess I’ll keep plugging away at it a little while longer. I still don’t think I’ll get to 105-110, and I still want a Chinese buffet break on Wednesday when we go to see the cheeks like we planned (he’ll make his own stop for American food).

Think I’ll go download some nature sound MP3s, like rainstorms, birds, wind chimes, oceans, brooks, waterfalls, etc. The wind sounds suck. They sound too much like a swarm of bees.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 16, 2003
Wow, I just got a letter from Mary dated the 24th and postmarked the 27th! Don’t know why it took nearly 3 weeks to get to me. That happens sometimes, I guess.

At this time she thought she was going to be there till the summer and asked for two copies of her drafts along with her astrology, saying she’d mail them to herself in Florida the day before she left Estrella, but I take it that she wants me to just wait and send the stuff to Florida, seeing that she’s leaving next month (unless there are more delays).

She still expects to be released in 2004 or 2005 at the max. I hope so! And I hope she really isn’t on intense probation for too long, but like I’ve said before, you can’t count on or trust the law to come through for you. I’m sure she knows this by now, though. She’s not stupid.

She says Virginia, who killed her drug dealers, is worse than Hope, but at least gets her own commissary.

She doesn’t yet know why José is in jail.

I sent her a couple of pictures of Chris, one face shot, one full body shot, and a few drawings I did years ago. She asked to see them which was nice. I sent her a person, dogs, and a colored drawing of a cat surrounded by flowers and butterflies.

I’m back to 129, but since I doubt I’ll shit for 2-3 days, I’m sure I’ll gain a pound or two back. I felt so teased earlier. I felt like I had to take a dump, but as soon as I sat on the toilet, the feeling was gone as quickly as it had come. All I can do is just eat sensibly and exercise regularly. It all goes to prove, though, that no, attitude is not always connected to the outcome. I was sure I’d lose the weight, yet I couldn’t, just like I was sure I could never quit smoking, yet I did.

I’m in mid-1997 with the proofreading, and right before the folks visited, I wrote that I had a feeling it was to be our final meeting. I sure got that one right!

I also wrote that I was struggling between being angry at his mom for using him and feeling guilty about complaining about it, but now I don’t feel an ounce of guilt for how I felt, and I shouldn’t have felt guilty back then, either. She did a terrible thing. She stole my husband from me, ran him ragged, and milked us of a lot of money. Why shouldn’t I have felt any hard feelings just because she might have done us a favor or two in return? She still used the shit out of my husband and took his attention away from me when I needed it more. I also think Tom should’ve realized what was going on a lot sooner than he did and put an end to it sooner, but he could never be nearly to blame as much as his mother. She knew that because he was so kind and generous, he’d have a hard time saying no.

The last mouse died today, so no more mice for a while. Next time, though, they’ll have all new cages and accessories.

In better news, the stock did sell yesterday, after all, for just under $1,500. I still don’t know what I’ll get for my next doll order or when, since we still have to get the damn carburetor so the truck can be up and running, then get the fences. We don’t know for sure how much the fences will cost, but I vibed $450.

There are a couple of really nice HSC dolls I’d like, but one of them is a 750-piece limited edition, and the other’s 750-piece closed edition, so by the time we get the extra money, they’ll probably be gone. In that case, I’ll just get the fashion dolls I want, but I’m pretty sure at this point that I won’t be bothering with Ashton-Drake.

I looked, and there is a fourth Playboy doll that will soon be available (I don’t know why they have her listed as the third in the series) named Ava Fabian. She’s a brunette and is going to be wearing Playboy’s original bunny suit.

I can’t believe that of the first four dolls, they’re all white. Especially what with the way everything’s so mixed. I mean, you can’t even find one TV series, one movie, or one commercial without a black in it these days, and Asians too, of course.

I finally spoke with Paula. Of course, she had to call when Charlie’s Angels was on, but oh well. She called at 5:30 her time, saying it was 10° and that there were two feet of snow. Naturally, I rubbed in our beautiful weather, although it is quite cold at night. Especially out here where there’s not nearly as much concrete to hold the heat in. While it can get up to 70° during the daytime, it can get down to the high 20s at night.

Paula says she goes to bed at 9 PM and gets up at 5 AM every day, and is her same old self. The conversation was the usual; about the losers she hangs with. If ever there was a woman attracted to abusive men, it’s got to be Paula B. She’s worse than my sister was. It’s sick. It really is. But more so, it’s sad. I can see a guy being attracted to an aggressive woman only because most guys, unlike most women, don’t have much self-respect. This is crazy, though. Totally crazy. She talks of how Miguel, her current PR of choice, put stitches in her head and about how she’s going to trial (she pled not guilty) on the 23rd for slugging him, yet says they’re still the best of buddies. She said she doesn’t want to dump him because he and Justin grew close, but that’s crazy. Any man that can beat a woman can beat a child too, and they should not be allowed near either one. Especially a child who cannot fight back.

Maybe he could, though, because according to Paula, my predictions for Justin getting into all kinds of trouble are already ringing true. He pulled a knife on a fellow student, so she says, which doesn’t surprise me in the least. Any kid who grows up with an aggressive mother whose millions of boyfriends are abusive is almost guaranteed to end up violent and in trouble with the law constantly. It wouldn’t surprise me in the least if Justin ultimately ended up in prison for years. I hate to say it, but it’s what I see plain as day.

She asked me if I saw her having to do 90 days, which is what she says she’ll get if she loses the trial, and at the time I didn’t see anything, but afterward, once we’d hung up and I’d had a chance to concentrate on it in silence, I did feel a slight vibe saying that she is going to jail. Sorry girl!

Then she says she may have to do an additional 30 days for getting caught driving without a license, something she never bothered to get, for reasons I can’t fathom.

Every other time we talk she says it cracks her up that Tom and I don’t sleep together.

Now, how can that crack someone up? I mean, what’s so funny about it? It may be odd, but funny?

She’s one funny lady, though, that’s for sure. Let’s see… she wants to send Tom a carburetor cuz they’re cheaper there and claims that the FBI hung up her phone when we were accidentally disconnected. She reminds me of Ellie!

I finally, after 6 months, found out what she thinks of the dolls. She says she likes and kept them all, though she hasn’t got them set up cuz she needs shelves.

Meanwhile, I’m sending her an extra dress that will fit a couple of the tall dolls which I can’t imagine ever having a use for. I told her that after that, though, I wouldn’t send anything else to her unless she contacted me saying she wasn’t in jail. I don’t want to be sending stuff her ditzy associates may not remember to give to her once she’s out.

Anyway, she’s at the end of the year’s probation she got for slugging that pig. I still can’t believe she got a year of probation for slugging a pig while I got half a year in jail, plus 2½ years of probation over a fucking letter! But then again I can because life’s so unfair.

What’s sad is that Paula’s the kind who’ll never get anyone decent, not that that’s an excuse to take just anything she can get. It’s just that the more stable people are going to see Paula as not good enough for them. I’ve walked in her shoes before. Back when I was young, naïve, mixed up and too nice, all I’d get were assholes. Those who had their shit together and who were more mature basically looked down on me, knowing they were too good for me at the time.

Later…

That was scary. Really utterly terrifying! I was playing with the rats. Tom was still in bed. Suddenly, there was a knock on the utility door. Whenever I hear a knock at the door I think – black bitch! Especially when 90% of the knocks have been connected to them.

I ran and opened Tom’s bedroom door, flipped on the light, and woke him up with the news. He asked me what my vibes were and I said I didn’t have any bad ones. Nonetheless, against my better judgment, he went out and checked after the third knock to find an old white guy looking for some guy.

Later he went out to look around and came back saying that it sounded like he was going door to door, judging by the way the dogs were going off, but dogs go off around here a lot lately, so I don’t know. I guess he was harmless.

I should’ve figured it wasn’t black-related, though, since the pigs have always preferred to come to the front door and only in the daylight. The cheeks, who also uses the front door, wouldn’t come at this hour to a client on standard probation.

“You also shouldn’t have turned on the light or walked as noisily,” Tom said, which is true.

Although few and far between, I can’t wait for the fences that will stop these casual visitors, or at least make it a bitch for them to bother us.

Fortunately, I still don’t have any bad vibes, but if there’s going to be any more trouble, I still say it won’t be till before or after 10/30. It’ll depend on how the freeloaders feel. Not being in the same county helps, but will they feel they “got me” and so be it? Or will their little victory of 2000 go to their heads, making them feel invincible and like they can do anything to me and get away with it (not that there wouldn’t be a grain of truth to that)? Sometimes abusing others can be a real addiction for some people.

The so-called easy diet hasn’t been so easy lately. For the last few days, I’ve felt as if nothing could fill me up. Like I could eat a ton of food and still be hungry. I can’t lose weight anyway, so I may as well eat when I’m hungry. I’m not going to make a pig of myself and eat for the hell of it, but I see no sense in going hungry anymore for no reason at all.

Mary was right when she said the clip I received today would be painful. The sick fuck I’d love just 5 minutes with, broke James’ arm when he was around two. As I told her, I know all too well the agony of a broken arm, and where the hell was God throughout all of it? Nowhere! He just didn’t give a damn, did he? I still can’t understand how she can worship something that allowed all this and so much more to happen! After considering all she and her kids have been through, doesn’t it ever make her wonder if perhaps she’s kidding herself by telling herself that God wants her to be happy and that he doesn’t want her to suffer? I mean, if he never wanted her to suffer, then who did and why didn’t he intervene?

And how the hell could she stay with Justin one second longer? I mean, what was she thinking?! Of all the dumb things I’ve done, not even my dumbest of all judgment calls comes close to how dumb she was to have put up with his shit for as long as she did. She had people she could’ve gone to. Some people may be truly stranded with no place else to go, but she had people she could’ve run to, and if she didn’t, I’d rather be homeless on the streets than live with such abuse!

Just what was she thinking? That he’d one day be a prince who treated her and her kids with the utmost love and respect? Please! How could it take one abused kid and one dead one to realize just what she was dealing with??? I’m sure Murphy and Andrew were abused, too. I don’t know who’s worse, her or Paula.

The woman prosecuting Justin in the James case asked Mary the same thing most people have undoubtedly wondered – why didn’t she leave? Mary’s answer to that was that she was too scared to because he threatened to kill her, her family, and her friends, but I don’t buy it. Oh, I don’t doubt she was scared. It’s just that as I’ve said a million times over, actions speak louder than words. Most people don’t act on their threats, and it just seems to me that it’d be a worthy gamble to take by breaking away despite the threats, rather than stick around and risk getting killed. I’d take my chances and leave as you’re a lot more likely to get killed by an abusive person than without them. If you break away from an abusive person, things can only get better, but if you stick around, there’s no hope for any change.

Anyway, in case I haven’t yet said so, Andrew and James were adopted and Murphy lives with her aunt Carolyn.

Another thing is that there is a huge difference between Mary and Paula, and that’s that Mary realizes she fucked up and has learned from it. Paula’s 35 years old and she still doesn’t get it. To quote from Mary’s own words; she lives in torment and regrets the fact that she let her fear of a man get in the way of doing right by her kids.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 15, 2003
Tom left a message that I got when I woke up this afternoon saying he messed up his diet by stopping at Whataburger, he has a bad belly, never wants to eat again, and will be getting up late.

He didn’t go to bed till early afternoon as he was keeping an eye on the stock. Guess we didn’t sell any today or else he’d have added that to his message.

After browsing through the HSC’s extensive doll section, I find myself leaning more and more toward forgetting about the Ashton dolls. They’re nice, but at the HSC I can get dolls that are much bigger at a more reasonable price. We’ll see, though.

I wasn’t surprised I was able to shit yesterday, seeing that the day before I had something like 1600 calories, but since I had about 850 yesterday, I was surprised to shit today, but I did.

I’m 130 pounds. To lose 3 pounds in two weeks is pitiful. I know some say it’s better to go the slow way, but I think losing 3-5 a week would’ve been more reasonable. That’s just not going to happen, though, slow or fast. I’m heavy and that’s that. This is the way I’m meant to be or else I wouldn’t be this way. Rather than drive myself crazy by trying to be something I can’t be, I may as well accept it and learn to live with it.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 14, 2003
Chris came a half-hour ago. She’s just so-so. Not bad, not great. Her eyes do look realistic enough, and the doll itself is lovely, but her head’s a bit droopy, she’s got a wire armature which is harder to pose than lock-tites, and she had black ink all over her legs that we had to scrub off. Because she has no breastplate, I’ll have to buy her an outfit with a tight neck. It’s hard to stuff certain dolls just right, cuz if you stuff them too little they’ll sag and if you stuff them too much they’re too rigid to sit. The hands, feet and face are molded wonderfully and makes for the best doll yet for holding Barbie as she was made to hold things. She cups Barbie well in her right hand and holds Barbie’s hairbrush in the other between her thumb, index and middle fingers. The other two fingers on that hand are curled toward her hand, making me wonder how the hell I’m going to polish those nails! Her wrists are just about the exact same size as mine. Because she’s a girl doll, she’s fatter than Ciara, who’s a woman doll, even though she’s a couple of inches shorter. She’s got apple cheeks of her own, but it looks cute on her.

The ink splotches obviously happened in transit. As the UPS driver pointed out, the box was dented at one end, but fortunately, it was at her feet. If it had been the other end, the ink would’ve gotten on her face and it’d be impossible to get it all off. We got it to fade, but not disappear. I guess it’s just part of my doll curse, though it could’ve been worse.

It’s now been 22 weeks since Scot was last here. If he doesn’t come sometime in February, I’ll start to wonder if maybe he really is done with the home visits, and of course, I’ll be almost sure that he is if he still hasn’t shown up come March.

Ever since I got the test out of the way, I’ve had a sense of being “home-free,” so to speak. I only hope I’m not kidding myself with some false sense of finally, after all these years, seeing the first shimmer of light at the end of what’s been a very long tunnel. It’s just that every time I thought I’d detangled myself from these sickos’ grip for good, they managed to grasp hold of me yet again and strangle me with their shit all over again, making me wonder if they’re not a permanent part of my life.

If they don’t pull any new stunts and if there really are no more tests or being woke up by home visits, and if all that’s left to deal with is setting my schedule to be available to see him 19 more times and make the monthly payments, then all I have to do is hope there are no new changes along the way that aren’t good. There were a couple of other changes I forgot to add to my list too, making it a total of 5 changes over the last 20 months. At the start of last year, Maricopa residents were told to report on the 1st and 3rd Friday of each month, rather than the 1st and 2nd. At the start of this year, the report day was changed to Wednesdays.

I don’t know. It’s too soon to go getting my hopes up, thinking I’m on my way to being forever done with this shit, but we’ll see. Besides, there’s just going to be something new as soon as it really is done and over with.

Later…

So far I worked out with the pedals for 40 minutes. Did 20 with the legs and 20 with the arms.

I haven’t received any email from Mary, and Dave, although he’s still sending jokes, has ignored my question asking what they thought of the pictures I superimposed so that tells me that I just may be able to “fight back” after all and that Mary really didn’t like them. That’s good, though. I didn’t want her to like them. That was the idea; to show her what it’s like to be embarrassed and put on the spot. That way, maybe she won’t be doing it to others.

I can’t believe how much I’ve come to dislike that woman! I don’t hate her, but I don’t like her. She does have some good in her, but as I’m finding out she can really be a non-tolerant hypocrite!

I don’t think the pictures are the only things that have got her pissed off. I think another thing that bothers her is that she didn’t get the reaction from me she wanted.

Anyway, so much for getting Mandy cuz she’s sold out. That’s okay, though. There are other dolls I want.

MONDAY, JANUARY 13, 2003
Mary and her damn favors! This really is starting to get old. Even Andy never asked for as many favors during the 11 years we were friends. I already put my foot down as far as serving her friends go, and if I have to do the same with multiple story copies, I will. At least she’s footing most of the postage.

In her letter today she asked for a copy of her book so she could have it during the remainder of her time at Estrella. At first I was like, there’s no way I’m going to waste the paper and stamps when she’ll be out of there in just 3 weeks, but because she did send stamps, I went ahead and printed a copy. I pulled the margins wide and made the print really small, though, and used plain white paper. Some of it was faded a bit since I’m low on toner. Tom’s going to pick me up a new cartridge tomorrow, he says. Meanwhile, when she gets to Florida, I really hope she hangs onto the copy I’ll send her there. I don’t want to be printing multiple copies any more than I want to play organizer.

Chris hasn’t arrived yet, but the pedals are here and I absolutely love them! They’re the best thing I’ve used yet as far as cardiovascular training goes. It’s the quietest and most comfortable too, yet still effective. I can feel it in my legs, my heartbeat and my raised body temp. I can read or watch TV with it easily and I can even put it on the counter or a table and do my arms if I want to as well.

I shit today, but I’m sure that will be it for 2-3 days. I know something’s obviously blocking me from losing the fat, but oh well. I tried. I can live with being heavy. I wouldn’t be this big in the first place if it weren’t meant to be. At least I can keep strong and fit. I haven’t decided yet if I’m going to work on maintaining my current weight or if I’ll let myself gain all the weight my body wants. It’s just that to me, overweight is overweight. What difference does it make if I’m 30 pounds overweight or 60 pounds overweight? So, if I’m going to remain overweight since I really don’t have much of a choice, I see no sense in worrying about how overweight I am or may become.

Meanwhile, I may live like a hermit, but no one can ever say I’m too lazy or inactive!

SUNDAY, JANUARY 12, 2003
I am so, so pissed right now. I’ve been stuck since Friday and no, I’m not stuck at 129, I’m up a pound! It’s totally obvious that something up there does not want me losing weight.

But why??? There is no logical reason why dieting like this should plug me up. Nothing’s changed but my calorie intake. I’m still eating the same things, just less of them.

How I wish I could make myself throw up! If it won’t come out the end it’s supposed to, I wish I could make it come out the other end, but throwing up has always disgusted me so much that I could never do it. I’ve tried numerous times, but I just can’t bring myself to do it.

Losing 3 pounds in 12 days isn’t much at all, and I know losing weight slowly may be better than not at all, but I don’t know about that. Especially if that means having to do this damn diet for 3-4 months. Perhaps it’s time to tell myself that there are worse things in life than being fat. You’re working so hard for so little. If something up there wants you to keep the weight then it must be for a reason. Which would you prefer; being fat or being back in jail? You want the freeloaders back living with you? You want to be paralyzed instead? Blind? You tried your best, now just drop it and move on.

But still, it bothers me. It really bothers me that I have no control over my life or my body. No, we do not control our own destinies. Not for the most part, anyway. We really are puppets in a script written by God in which we’re forced to act out, like it or not.

This reinforces my fear that if it won’t let me lose weight, how’s it going to let me do dolls?

Anyway, I’ll probably hang up the dieting. I thought I’d be ok if I’d just play catch up regularly enough, and only be slowed down a little bit, but that’s obviously not going to be the case. So there’s no sense in sticking to the diet as well as I have been, for next to nothing in return. I’ll just use the bike and Bowflex for strength and stamina, keep the fat and just work with what I’ve got.

Last night I happened to catch the doll show on the HSC and saw a wonderful $110 doll named Mandy in quite a unique pose. She kneels on one knee with her arms sort of wrapped around her other leg. She’s almost all porcelain. All of her arms are porcelain, anyway, and she wears a print sundress that’s tied at her shoulders. I thought she was Indian, but they have her down as black. I don’t care, though. I like the doll. As posed she’s 22”, but would stand up to 34” if she could stand. I hope to get this doll as soon as we have the money, but I won’t count on it. If I do, I do, if I don’t, I don’t. No doll collector gets every doll they want, and if I miss out on her, I’ll get the other dolls I’ve been wanting that I know will be around for a while. Still, I’m going to try and will put the other dolls on hold to get her first if I have to.

Anyway, I’m taking the time to work on my neglected proofreading project until more work from Mary comes in.

Later…

Maybe the best cure for being stuck is to simply bitch about it in this journal, cuz I just went. When I first felt it coming on, I was like, No, it’s simply wishful thinking, a tease.

The question now is whether or not to continue with the diet and just lose weight the slow way.

I noticed earlier that I’m smaller in the upper abs and at the sides where my ribs are. It would take a massive amount of weight loss to deflate this face, though, and pick up this neck.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 11, 2003
Still 129 pounds. I’ve been stuck again for a couple of days as I figured I would be, but as long as I keep playing catch-up in the end, I’ll be ok. I still have till Wednesday to get to 127 and still make my limit of 3 pounds per week. Tom thinks my pedaling a half hour a day will speed up the process, but I doubt it. Not at my age and height. But it will help keep the lost weight off and will give me increased strength and stamina. It’s good for the heart too, and as you know, heart disease runs rampant in my family.

Tom said that in light of our lovely PO who likes to send half of our packages back, he emailed the HSC and asked them to please not give our pedals away should they be returned for any reason. They replied saying they wouldn’t give them away, and in fact, their records show it was delivered to our PO this morning, but since it’s Saturday, we won’t be able to get them till Monday. You can’t get packages on weekends at this place. You can’t even get into your PO Box before 6 AM. In Tempe, we have 24-hour access, though we’re not going to renew that box once it expires in March.

So, the Tempe PO throws packages on their shelves and forgets about them, and this one returns them. At least they’re right on with regular mail.

I can’t believe how well we’ve both been sticking to our diets! It’s almost been too easy. He’s lost more, though. Like 7 pounds. He says it’s because he has more fat and that he has more fat in his belly alone than I have in my entire body.

Since he hasn’t done so in ages, he played hooky the last two nights, claiming to get the cold he never did end up getting like he thought he would. He’d still be getting 3-4 colds a year for real if I hadn’t insisted he take vitamin C tablets every day.

He’s taken the time off to work on the truck and install new faucets in the bathroom sinks. The single-lever faucets I told the deaf, dumb, and illiterate Mexican to install in the first place.

They look like the one we got in Phoenix with the clear round handle. It’s not perfectly round, though. I don’t know how you’d describe it. It’s sort of angled all around.

When he installed the one in the master bath it really stunk like hell! That’s because of that one’s closer to the septic tank with fewer turns and kinks.

In my bathroom, he also installed a really cool toilet paper holder. It’s just a bar with a catch at the end that’s angled slightly upwards. It makes changing toilet paper a cinch.

He also got a ready-keyed new handle/lock for the side door. Yeah, all 3 doors in this house were definitely damned from the get-go. It was getting stuck and to the point where it couldn’t be locked from the inside.

To my surprise, I finally caught the mouse in the late afternoon yesterday, and rather than killing it, we opted to walk it on down just past our property to the north. How amazing it is, I thought as I watched Tom walk down there, to have been here just over 3 years and still, there’s no one towards the north or the east. Not close, anyway, although there might be a couple of properties away in those directions.

We never did receive a tracking link from UPS which leads us to believe that the doll people never gave them our email address, but I think it’s safe to assume she’ll be here Monday or Tuesday.

Got 4 letters from Mary yesterday which were obviously sent right before I spoke with her aunt. She says she’ll be there another 30 days. Guess that means that by February 7th she’ll be gone.

She enclosed a book of stamps which was very nice of her and which will help a lot since she’s got a ton of stuff for me to send to her, and there’s even more on its way, too. She asked if I could give Michelle my email address so Todd could send me pictures he has that she wants. She answered my question of “Why me?” by saying that if she sent them to her family they wouldn’t mail them to her, and come to think of it, I think she told me that before. I asked for more pictures of her shortly after I got out and she said something about having a hard time getting any from her family.

Anyway, I emailed her note and my address to Michelle, wrote her another letter since she’s going to be sticking around a while longer, and enclosed her friend Brandi’s copy of that psychologist’s and philosopher’s words. I wonder if this is the same Brandi who’s in for killing this guy she was going to get it on with in some hotel. According to her, though, she only ripped the guy off and it was her boyfriend that killed him, so who knows for sure what really happened? I wasn’t there and I don’t know them. Guess I just don’t care, either.

I had to scan the astrology pages she tore out of a book cuz that’s the only way they’ll accept them unless they come straight from the publisher themselves, which was the case when I tried to send Bob word find puzzles. It was a huge job, too. There were about 30 pages and each one took about 4 minutes just to queue up. It took hours to do and I hope it’ll be a long, long time before I have another scanning job that big.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 9, 2003
Tom got a message saying Chris was shipped today, so we should get a tracking link from UPS sometime today, too.

Oreo makes his own schedule and Little Fella makes his schedule mine. Oreo only gets up in the daytime if food is coming into the cage, for the most part. Little Fella went to bed a few hours before I did last night, then was up and waiting for me when I got up today at noon. I hope I’m up when Chris comes, which could be as early as Monday. I’ll make sure I don’t sleep too late. Fortunately, UPS doesn’t come early around here.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 8, 2003
It’s over! Yes, I had the test and it was a piece of cake. That’s because, by the time we got there, I had to go so bad I probably would’ve peed my pants had he not been able to flag down a female PO as soon as he did, and once we entered the bathroom, I started peeing as soon as my ass hit the toilet.

She seemed pretty cool and I didn’t feel dirty or like I was being molested or anything like that. I was a bit surprised when she asked me why I was on probation. Usually, they’re pretty impersonal.

Afterward, I got a kick out of how the cheeks said, “So you saw her go?” to the lady. I was thinking, Well, she wasn’t looking in the mirror and picking her nose!

Anyway, as of 10:00 last night, an unusual calm came over me and I slept just fine. I thought I’d wake up a zillion times, but I slept right through.

What was funny was that as Tom pointed out, he may not have been planning to test me, since he wasn’t prepared. Whenever he’s tested me before, he’s had things set up, labels on cups, etc. But as soon as I saw him I told him I had to pee real bad either way, and that’s when he commented on it being a while since my last test and got the stuff he needed, along with the PO. All I know is that whether or not he was ready to test me, I was ready to get it over with, and it’s nice to be able to call the shots for once pertaining to what goes on with me.

Anyway, I’m just so glad it’s done and over with. It takes a lot of the stress off me, and I’m going to be really pissed if he surprises me with any other tests. He said the tests, as long as they were clean, would get further and further apart, and I’d like him to keep his word, something people in law enforcement seem to have a hard time doing.

He didn’t mention stopping by, but he reminded me of how much time I have left.

He’s got a lot of stuff in his office. Pins, pictures, matchbox cars of cruisers, patches, and even a rattlesnake skin from a rattler he killed.

After the cheeks, we went to a dollar store where I got a clump of red roses and a clump of maroon roses. I put them on the refrigerator.

I also got a pink plastic toddler chair that I thought would be cool for dolls between the 25”-35” range.

Lastly, I got 3 ballerina figurines. They’re not great, but for a buck each, they sure are nice.

On the way to and fro, we passed a dozen pig cars and got hung up by more creeps than usual.

I woke up today at 129 like I hoped and expected to. What I didn’t expect to do today, though, was take a dump, but I did.

I think I may’ve forgotten to mention this, but a few days ago I discovered both the two remaining crabs dead. That didn’t last long. I guess this climate is just too dry for them, although it was far from dry today. We got lots of clouds and some good steady rain for most of the day. Not the kind that fills the washes, makes running water, and gets cars stuck, but enough to saturate the ground. No leaky doors, either!

Since we’re finally having a normal winter as far as rainfall goes, I wonder if we’ll have a normal monsoon, too?

I almost caught the mouse this morning, but it managed to escape before the trap door shut all the way. This is one major clever mouse! Of course, every time I let the rats out, Little Fella, who loves to come out way more than Oreo does, triggers the damn thing. Oreo sleeps through most of the day like most rats, but my fella never sleeps, so it seems. Oreo’s venturing further away from the cage, but only if I’m there, and if I move back towards the cage, he follows.

Unfortunately, the bike’s not coming via UPS, after all. It’s coming by regular mail. They claim it’ll only take 10 days, but I know that’s bullshit. The HSC dolls never arrived on time, and as the Handi-Stitch taught me, dolls aren’t the only packages that we have problems getting. Half the packages coming to this PO have been returned, so I’m not exaggerating when I say it’s 50/50 as to whether or not we get it. That will really suck if they return it cuz then the same thing will happen that happened with Tasha. They only had so many, so if this gets returned, they won’t keep it for long. They’ll assume we changed our minds and give it to someone else.

As for Chris, Tom says he expects her to be shipped by Friday. I hope so!

Since the Humane Society ripped us off, we’ll have to order labels from the catalog we usually use. I emailed the HS about the stuff they never sent us, but I won’t expect an answer.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 7, 2003
I sent my last letter to Mary at Estrella last night. I checked to see if there was any new mention of Monster since his trial was supposed to be yesterday. Naturally, there wasn’t. Baby killers just don’t pique the public’s interest in this state the way supposed threatening racists do.

I was typing up a heart-wrenching yet beautiful poem Mary wrote about the pain she feels in losing Gretchen, and she is so totally right when she says that the more you love someone, the harder it is to lose them. I love Tom more than anyone I’ve ever loved or will love and I can’t imagine not killing myself if he were to die. I’d have nothing to live for. He is my life. All else is just an addition to it, some good, some bad, some neither.

She has been so cursed throughout her life. In a sense, much more so than I have. I hope something up there will give her a break with age as it has with me (with the exception of the freeloaders, of course).

Since I last mentioned spotting it, I’ve seen this untrappable mouse we’ve got living with us 3 more times. I’ve already resigned myself to the fact that it won’t allow itself to be trapped. It’s just an unusually smart mouse. It’s not hurting anything that I know of, though, so I don’t mind it residing with us. I just wish I knew if it’s been in the house all along, or if it’s coming and going through any vent openings we may’ve missed. If there are any openings, and if that diamondback returns to living under and by the house once they’re active again, I doubt many mice will be going through there. I think that’s why we went so long without any coming up in here; because the rattler was scaring them off.

Anyway, I guess I just hadn’t been putting enough cheese in the trap to entice the mouse, but this time around I put a healthy pinch of cheese in it.

Just when I woke up and decided it’d be best not to take the laxatives we got in case it reacts on me while I’m suffering on account of the freeloaders tomorrow, I ended up shitting up a storm on my own. Perhaps tomorrow I will finally be back in the 120s and won’t wake up at 130 for the fifth day in a row. I’m still glad I got the laxative, cuz I know something’s going to fight me along the way and that I’m just going to turn right around and be stuck all over again. That’s how it worked the last time. When the Gods do give in to my wishes, they don’t necessarily make it easy for me. If I were regular, on the other hand, I’d have this weight off in no time. Guess later is still better than never.

The Dead Zone has returned, and I also have another new show I’ve been glued to ever since I first saw its premiere. It’s called Cirque du Soleil (circus of sun), the coolest circus I ever did see. That’s because it mainly consists of acrobatics. Things like trapeze artists and dancing gymnasts with astonishing flexibility. It’s incredible!

Although anything’s still possible over the next 4½ hours, I’m beginning to doubt the cheeks will show up due to the weather, along with the fact that he hasn’t said he’d “try to catch me at the house” like he used to almost always say, and the fact that he was talking as if he knew he wouldn’t see me till tomorrow. It’s both cloudy and windy, and I’ve never known him to come on days that weren’t clear and calm. If he doesn’t show up today, that still doesn’t mean he won’t show up at some point during this month. Like I said, if we got down to the last 6 months without visits/tests, then I’d think that was over, but it still seems pretty damn unlikely, no matter how much he may think testing or the whole probation thing, in general, is unnecessary.

Later…

The weather has improved since I last wrote. In fact, it’s gorgeous out. There are still some clouds, but not as many. It’s also gone from windy to breezy too, and I have the windows open to let some fresh air in which, fortunately, doesn’t smell like shit today. The wind’s blowing westerly, so if there was any shit in the air, I couldn’t blame it on the renter’s horse.

Heard a sonic boom earlier. We’re still fortunate enough not to hear them as often as we did the first few months of living in this house. I hope it stays that way, too. Particularly while the freeloaders still own me.

Anyway, I still don’t know what to make of the cheeks. Just maybe he will stick to the basics of just having me report and make payments, something he has no say over (although he could cut the reports in half) and skip the home visits and tests altogether, but I doubt it. He’s too all or nothing, like most people. His unwillingness to cut my reports in half just because the courts won’t do the right thing by letting me go, and the things he said when he first informed us of Casa Grande, tells me that. The way he mentioned not being able to always test people in Maricopa, and for me to “be prepared” is a dead giveaway. He’s had the opportunity to test me the last few times I saw him in Maricopa yet he didn’t. There were no trials or cases of any kind going on and the bathroom, which is off of the judge’s office, was perfectly free and available, so this tells me he’s not going to be “nice,” so to speak and do me any favors. He’s simply been waiting till he can test me with eyes on me. This doesn’t surprise me, either. I knew all along that it’d be this way. I knew that if God was going to allow the jail time to be played up to the max, he’d do the same for the probation part of it. He’s been whipping my ass good with these freeloaders from day one and he’s not about to give me any breaks till it’s over. It’s like he’s all or nothing too, by making me suffer on account of them to the extremes which I have. I just hope that if I’m right about being tested that he gets it’s the fuck over with. I’ve had it hanging over my head for 2½ months now. Enough torture! As soon as I can get that out of the way I think I’ll finally be able to breathe a lot easier and that it’ll ease a lot of my stress. But will the remainder of the time be smooth sailing? Or will something else come up? Nine months is an awfully long time to be on probation without some change or new demand of some kind. First there was the demanding of payment receipts, then the anxiety of the classes hanging over me, then the PG switchover. When you think about it, 3 things in 20 months isn’t that bad, but that’s approximately one new issue every 8 months and I’ve got 9 left. Well, closer to 9.5. I just figured that I may be blessed with not having to have any connection with the black bitch the final two weeks, so I consider it to be 9 months and a week. Not long when you consider what I started with, but long enough in itself.

I look out the window and I think wow, such a beautiful day. Such a beautiful day spoiled by the stress of what could happen tomorrow. Always the freeloaders taint anything that’s good in my life. It never fucking ends. It’s a way of life for me now. It’s been that way for years. Always with me, always with them.

Amazingly, I haven’t seen the renters today. Maybe that’s because it’s warmer today, whereas yesterday was cooler. Too cool for opening windows. You know it’s cold out when the heat comes on in the afternoon! Especially in a dual-paned windowed house with 6” walls.

Later…

I might’ve just seen the cheeks go by, though I can’t swear to it because he was going in the opposite direction in which he usually goes and because he drove on the property across the way. I’ve only seen him drive on the road, plus, the lovely weather’s clouding up and cooling down once again.

Anyway, we’re going to go in the afternoon tomorrow so I don’t have the pressure on me of trying to be up early. Especially when I know I’m going to have a hell of a time sleeping tonight. I need time to wake up and psych myself up for this shit, so to speak, and to get my bladder full. It’s gonna take a half hour to get there, so if I leave with my bladder too full, I could piss my pants along the way! I have to get it just right.

God, what did I do to deserve this shit?! Why does he hate me so? Is it because I’m supposedly Jewish? Short? Cuz of my forefathers? Why???

God doesn’t have to love me. In fact, he doesn’t even have to like me. All I want is for him to leave me alone and just ignore me if he hates me that much and stop using me as a punching bag with those he does love and worship!

I try to tell myself to just relax, that they can’t hurt me, that I didn’t do anything wrong, but I didn’t do anything wrong nearly 2½ years ago, either, so if that’s the case, then how come I got thrown in jail for 6 outrageous months, then ordered to report twice a month to a PO, and to pay $40 a month, and to do 100 hours of community service, and to see a therapist, plus all the other humiliating shit for 30 more months?

There is another possibility and that’s that he may trust me enough to let me pee unobserved, but I doubt that, too. Again, he’s just too all or nothing. I mean, why should he when he has plenty of eyes available? Just to be nice and considerate of my feelings? I don’t think so!

As special as Little Buddy was, these rats really are just as friendly, playful and loving. Oreo’s like an “outside Sneezy.” Meaning, where Sneezy wouldn’t leave the inside of the cage when the cage door’s open, Oreo won’t leave the few feet surrounding the outside of the cage. They sure do like to get attention, climb all over me, and get treats from me.

I’ve got all the betas in the kitchen now to make for easier cleaning/feeding. I have two side-by-side on the counter and one on the island.

Later…

Tom and I just got done playing with the rats.

He also listened sympathetically and patiently to my bitching about the stress over tomorrow. A part of me was like, Don’t let yourself be subjected to this shit anymore and just run. Go! Get out of here!

Then I was like, Uh-uh. I got forced out of this house once. Next time I go willingly, but not until I’m ready to do so.

Meanwhile, I got a call from Mary’s aunt. She left a message asking me not to email Terri Morganthal, the prosecutor in the Florida case, a copy of Mary’s book if I haven’t already done so, till after the trial. She was obviously worried that it could hurt Mary since the defense would have to see it, too.

I called her back and told her I already sent it, but since there was nothing incriminating in it, I see no reason why it should make a difference. Carolyn, who said she was going to see Mary tomorrow, said she’d tell her this. She also said she’d call me if she learned anything that I might not know (I told her I rarely see the news and never read the paper).

Speaking of the news, well, it did make the news after all. The sick twist pleaded guilty to the James case! Everyone’s ecstatic about it and I can see why. This will help Mary a lot. Hopefully, it will, anyway, but as Carolyn says, I don’t know about her being released in ’04. I told her the same thing I told Mary, that speaking from personal experience, I wouldn’t put much faith in the system. You just can’t always buy what pigs or lawyers tell you. The presentencing guy told me to hope for the best, but expect the worst, and I think that’s what Mary should do. Life simply isn’t fair and you can’t always count on people to do the right thing, so as far as the pardon she expects to get within 2-3 years of her release – I don’t know. Even if I knew that’s all I’d have to do, I’d still run cuz I didn’t do anything wrong. She didn’t kill anyone, so she shouldn’t have to do 5 minutes. Even if I was guilty of being a mass murderer, though, there’s no way I’d stick around for even just a year of intense probation, though that’s just me. She got to do what she’s got to do. I just hate to see her get her hopes up for nothing, then end up heartbroken. All I can do is hope things go as she hopes/expects them to.

Anyway, Mary was supposed to go to court today, but it was canceled. Also, I’m not sure when she’s going to Florida. Carolyn says they might not take her there till Justin’s sentenced (Mary is doing Florida time right now, too). They’ll both ultimately end up in Florida, but as Carolyn says, they’d probably send her back here to do her probation time cuz here’s where her family is. Well, I didn’t get into it with her, but they won’t send her anywhere, nor will they care where her family is. However, they do transfers, so she should easily be able to get a courtesy transfer from Florida to Arizona, but they’re not going to pay to move her back here.

I asked Carolyn if she had a computer and an email account and she says she hardly ever turns her computer on and doesn’t know how to use it. I’m just hoping Mary will have access to a computer in Phoenix once she’s out so she can work on her book more easily, but by then, I think it’ll all be written and proofread. Then, the only thing to do will be to organize it, print it out, send it to a publisher and hope for the best.

I was rather dismayed to hear Mary may get a place in Phoenix with her mother. This is the same mother that beat her and told her she was a worthless this and a worthless that. Why oh why would she want to live with anyone that’s done that to her? I just don’t get it. She writes a letter of inspiration to this abused woman, and that’s all well and good, but wouldn’t her living with her mother be regressing herself in a sense? I really think she needs to wipe people like her mother and Derek out of her life for good. She needs people in her life who haven’t/won’t verbally, mentally or physically abuse her. No, I just don’t always understand Mary’s way of thinking or her beliefs, but I still love her dearly. She has to make her own mistakes as well as her own successes just like the rest of us. Back when I was a single, naïve, poor 24-year-old, people told me it would be a mistake for me to have a kid. Yes, it would’ve been a mistake, but had I made that mistake, it would’ve been mine to make.

Anyway, I guess Mary could be here as late as February because that’s when the sicko’s to be sentenced, but we’ll see. Like I told both her aunt and Mary herself, her stuff’s ready to be sent to Florida as soon as she tells me she’s there. Meanwhile, I don’t want to be sending any more mail to Estrella. They could be moving her right now for all I know. Whatever happens, whenever it happens, all I can do is hope things go as well as possible. The poor girl’s been through enough as it is.

There’s a line from one of the poems that goes, “If you don’t like the cast of characters you’re involved with, get rid of them and start a new bunch,” and when I first read that I was like, yeah right! Like I could just dump the cheeks and the whole damn thing? On the other hand, that’s exactly what I did with my family. They were a problem and I disengaged myself from them one by one. At least I got to have some say with them and believe me, it’s a lot easier to detach yourself from those not living within a few feet of your house.

Both of us still aren’t sure what to think as far as what the future may hold for me in Casa Grande. As he pointed out, Scot has proven to pull surprises. We never expected him to write that note of recommendation to the courts to let me go, but he did.

Another thing Tom pointed out that never crossed my mind, was that another reason he may be hesitant to cut my visits is that it could cause the courts to give him more clients if they see he’s gone and cut people. Cutting people would only give him more time and less to do, which I know the courts would gladly fill in. Like I always said, as soon as someone’s let go, a new person comes in. They keep things running as consistently as they can. Even Gina commented on how as soon as one’s done with community service, in comes someone new. Plus, Scot has complained about his caseload before. A lady mentioned his having 25 people, and that was when he came out and said he wished he had 25, but that he had 70.

I don’t think that was the cheeks I saw earlier. That same SUV with the same loud engine that also drove on the property across the way went by again, and I could clearly make out the profile of a woman driver this time around.

The ear doctor called back to say they never got my referral. Despite the incompetent people in this world, I don’t buy it. I think they’re just swamped with too many patients, so they figure they’ll give some of them the runaround to discourage them from making appointments. Well, it worked because Tom and I decided he’d look around for a very small pair of tweezers. Once he finds them, I’ll oil the canal for a few days before he goes picking out dead skin.

Something just hit me. Carolyn said, “Here’s my number, in case it didn’t show up on your Caller ID.”

Well, how’d she know we have Caller ID?

Tomorrow’s the day I return to the 120s for sure! It’s the end of my day and I’m 130, exactly what I woke up as. In the past few days, I’d be 132-133 at the end of the day, so I’d wake up back at 130 the next day. Not tomorrow!

MONDAY, JANUARY 6, 2003
And so it was 10 years ago that I got hired as a dancer, and 3 years ago that the freeloaders came back into our lives in a whole different way that’d be a million times worse than when we all lived together.

Tom’s still working on the truck. In fact, he’s doing that right now. After 3 years, we finally got the doors fixed. I wish Tom had thought of this clever idea sooner, though he shouldn’t have had to. The Mexicans should’ve done the job right back in the factory in the first place, which was what we paid for. They look great, nonetheless. No leaks, no gaps. One less thing to have to worry about and to have to do.

To my utter shock and dismay, again I woke up at 130 and I’m still stuck, too. I get stuck every time I try to diet. Especially in the last year or two. It’s like something up there doesn’t want me to lose weight, and if it is an outer source controlling me, then that’s really scary. It’s really scary to think that something I can’t see or touch or control could have so much power over me. I’m hoping it’s just a case of my system simply needing time to adjust to the extreme cut in food intake, but I don’t know. I just have one of my bad feelings. If I’m right, the question is, why? Why would something not want me to lose weight? Just to punish me and piss me off? Why is it so important to whatever’s up there that I remain big? There are much worse things in life than not being able to lose weight, something I didn’t use to have so much trouble doing, but I’m not ready to give up just yet. I’m going to add laxatives to my diet as well as a daily Slim-Fast meal bar to keep me from feeling sluggish. It’d bring my calorie intake up to about 1100, plus whatever I have in gum and coffee, but it may help regulate me. I just don’t want to be doing all this hard work and going through all this hunger for nothing! I’ve got to start shitting out what I eat or else it really will be all for nothing. If this plan doesn’t work, then I’ll have to decide whether or not to let fate have its way with me yet again and not worry if I end up at 200 pounds, or do I want to maintain the 130? I highly doubt anything’s wrong with my thyroid as it was checked not too long ago. Besides, if there was, God wouldn’t let the doctors find out if he really is doing something to keep the weight on me besides plugging up my system.

I was out gathering trash earlier. Things like empty boxes and packages of car-related stuff. I didn’t want it to blow around in the wind cuz our shit wouldn’t end up on someone else’s land for them to have to deal with. Our stuff would stay right here on our land.

Still no cheeks, though tomorrow’s quite possible since he’s come a few times the day before I was to see him. If he doesn’t come by March or April, then I’ll start to believe he’ll never be back, but I think he will be. I’d be quite shocked if he never showed up again, but not as shocked as I would be if I were never tested again. I just hope he gets the damn test done and over with on Wednesday so I don’t have to deal with the anxiety of it hanging over my head, but I don’t know. God’s never dealt me any breaks yet when it comes to this shit, except for the work/class issue, so why should he start now? Oh, the hell I go through for these freeloaders!

I still have the feeling, and oh, how I hope I’m right, that once we get to somewhere in March, I’ll feel a lot less anxiety. Like I’ll finally be able to see the shimmer of light at the end of this very, excruciatingly long tunnel. Words can never describe the hell I’ve gone through for these freeloaders. Where my parents definitely have first place in causing me pain and suffering be it directly or not, the freeloaders definitely have the runner-up spot, and I’m sure they always will. Upon going out on my own, I never would’ve believed it if I had been told that such stress, anger, depression, anxiety, frustration, lack of freedom, and loss of money could be caused by neighbors. Family, ex-lovers, old friends, yes, but I never would’ve guessed I’d be made to suffer so severely by neighbors. And those things I mentioned above are just the major things. That doesn’t cover the little things like the cold showers, the inhumane food, the cellies that were crazy, loud, rude and obnoxious, the being controlled and treated like a child, etc.

Four adults (two women, two men) were out playing horsy for much of the afternoon, In fact, one guy got thrown as the horse went down. I guess it didn’t like the idea of being ridden. I had wondered why I hadn’t seen them riding the thing up and down Meadow Green and Ralston. Whoever was on the horse when it went down was lucky they weren’t hurt.

Anyway, one of the women took the horse in back and while on the ground, she steered it round and round in circles by its reins. I don’t know what the point of that was, but anyway, the horse is cool to look out the window and see, when you consider what my view on Oswego St. was, but it’s stealing more of our privacy. They’re always, always home and outside. I don’t know how all those people can afford to be home all the time, but I hope they’ll at least be indoors more often when it gets hot like they were last summer. It’s just that when it’s hot, I won’t have the blinds open in the kitchen which faces west, so it wouldn’t matter if they were or not. Now’s when I can comfortably have it open, let more light in, and enjoy the view of the mountains, but now is also when they’re out and about to spoil my view of nature. At least they’re white and quiet.

Tom said Mary will probably be unhappy about the pictures I played with and sent. Oh, poor, poor thing. She can dish it, but she can’t take it, huh? That’d be typical of her, but I don’t know. With the way she loves posing for the camera, she still might get quite a kick out of it. Tom’s so sure, though, that now she won’t call him to make extra money by working on her house when she needs it, but that’d make no sense. Why not call him just cuz she may be mad at me? She never liked me anyway. This is nothing new. Ignoring Tom cuz of me would be like me not talking to my friend Mary simply because Paula said something I didn’t like. What’s one got to do with the other?

Anyway, if she really was offended by the pictures, maybe she’ll finally learn from this. Maybe she’ll realize that as long as she’s willing to embarrass others and put them on the spot by constantly taking their pictures, others are likely to do the same to her. If she can make Christmas tree ornaments out of other people’s pictures, why can’t we superimpose pictures of her?

SUNDAY, JANUARY 5, 2003
The anxiety over this Casa Grande shit’s starting to settle in. Is God ever going to find it in his cold merciless heart to set me free of these freeloaders and not replace them with a new long-term problem?

I tell myself all I have to do is sit down on a toilet and pee in a cup, but that’s not all I have to do. I have to do it with eyes boring into me for reasons I shouldn’t have to. What the fuck do letters and journals have to do with drugs and alcohol? I’m sick of the general mistrust of us so-called criminals and all the automatic assumptions. They assume I very well could be a druggie cuz I supposedly wrote a threatening letter, and they don’t trust me to give them my own piss so they have someone watch me. It isn’t just about punishment, power, control and money, but the lack of trust and personal security of those within the system. When they lock someone in a cell, they’re saying, “We don’t trust you.” When they feel the need to carry mace and stun guns, they’re saying, “We don’t trust you.” When they feel the need to show up at your house unannounced, they’re saying, “We don’t trust you.” Well, this is all the more reason I don’t trust them! It’s hard to love someone who doesn’t love you, it’s hard not to dislike someone who dislikes you, and it’s hard to trust people that don’t trust you, and I sure as shit can’t trust anyone within this demented system! Attitudes and emotions really are as contagious as they say. That’s why a lot of people can’t stand to hang with those who are depressed as it brings them down, too.

Tom listened patiently as I bitched about it and for that, I am truly grateful. The poor guy’s had to put up with so much himself on account of these sickos.

I’m 37 years old and my 30s have been nothing but freeloaders! They’ll forever be the highlights of my 30s just like loneliness, depression, hopelessness, and struggling to make ends meet were the highlights of my 20s.

Tom thinks it’s possible that the cheeks will never be here again and that he won’t test me because he doesn’t think it’s necessary, but I doubt it. Especially the testing part of it and especially if he doesn’t have any say in the matter. It’s just that the tests cost them money, Tom pointed out, but with all the money this state takes people for, they can well afford it. Controlling me would be worth the few bucks it’d cost them. Besides, I could never cost them a microscopic fraction of what the freeloaders have cost us, trust me.

The diet, which started off well, isn’t going too well anymore. Not that I haven’t stuck to it, cuz I have. I woke up down 2 pounds after the first day, down another pound after the second day, then nothing at all today and yesterday. I’ve been stuck for a day and a half so I hope that’s all it is. I’d hate to end up working so hard for so little. Stuck or not, and that is a common problem with dieting, no one should have 1000 calories or less in 3 days and still weigh the same, so if I wake up at 130 again tomorrow, I’m going to be a bit worried and a lot discouraged.

In other news, my hair’s an inch shy of the middle of my ass when pulled straight. I still wish I had thin straight hair for the most part. Instead of damaging it with the straightening iron, I let it get to where it’s nearly dry after washing it, then I gather it into one or two ponytails and put elastics down the ponytails a couple of inches apart. It dries up straighter that way.

Tom said he’s 95% done with the truck and that he’s still confident we’ll have an AC running in it before it gets hot. I hope so! There’s still always the chance, though, that he runs into other problems as he puts the engine back together.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 4, 2003
Just 4 more days till I’m humiliated beyond imagination. I’m surprised my heart isn’t pounding with dread, though I’m sure it will be once it gets close. I still don’t understand how he can agree that my being on probation is pointless, yet not cut my visits down. That’s rather hypocritical when you think about it. He’s such an all-or-nothing kind of guy, but so are most people, unfortunately. Everything has to be one way or another. There’s no happy medium. No grays between the whites and blacks.

At least the freeloaders tripled my music collection. Thanks to them and their hate and vengeance, I’m not stuck listening to the same old, same old music forever, though I’ll always love the music of the 70s and 80s.

The purple glass fish died. See, this is why we shouldn’t have wasted our time and money on fish. They die left and right. I’m going to let them die off and just keep frogs and betas. At least the beautiful angelfish are doing well. The algae eater has grown since we got it. It’s one of those that grows for as long as it lives.

In other animal news, the prairie dogs are back! That sure was fast. I was wondering if they’d come out as late as March like they did in ’00, or January like last year. I’m glad they’re back. The only thing I don’t like about them is their squeaking. It’s so loud that it’s woken me up a few times. Until I realized what it was, I thought it was the rat’s or mice’s wheels squeaking. The prairie dog I saw appeared to remember me and that there was food here because it gathered up what I put out rather quickly and didn’t run down into its hole when I opened the door.

Of course, we see rabbits hanging out all year long.

Just 12 views of our land album and over 1000 of one of the albums with me in it! Two more downloads this week too, which makes it a total of 18. I think they were from my Wildlife album.

We checked and found that the reason Chris hasn’t been sent yet was that they’re to be closed till the 6th, so it’ll probably be a week and a half before the doll gets here. They haven’t even taken the money yet.

The ear doctor’s secretaries have been giving me the runaround. I can’t get them to tell me a simple little thing – that they did get the referral that was posted on the 17th of last month so I can make an appointment. Instead, they’re costing us a fortune in long-distance calls and making empty promises of getting back to me. If they don’t want to see me for whatever reason, can’t they just say so? I wanted to just forget it and clean it myself with oil, but after Tom checked it out, he said it really looks like it needs to be done and says he’ll play phone with them and get the appointment made.

I miss the days when you could just call a doctor and make a damn appointment! Now you have to fight with a maze of answering machines only to usually end up nowhere. It seems only dentists have real people still answering their phones.

Instead of getting the bike, we might be getting something different which Tom saw on the HSC. They had 1,200 left and he ordered one online after verifying it was what they said it was. It’s just pedals instead of a bike, but there’s something about it that makes it quiet so we can hear the TV while we’re using it, and it only costs $70. He says they usually run for $140. We haven’t received a tracking link for it yet, so we don’t know for sure if we’re going to get it. At least they use UPS if we do.

Yesterday, after just two days of dieting, I was down 3 pounds, but today I woke up the same at 130. I still don’t think it’ll take me the 8-10 weeks I thought it’d take me. It should be more like 4 weeks at the earliest and 6 at the latest. It depends on how badly my weekly snacks set me back. This week I may get a bigger snack than originally planned because I’ve already lost a week’s worth of weight in just a few days. As long as I lose at least 3 pounds a week, I’ll be ok.

Tom went to the hardware store yesterday and got the strips of wood we’ll need for the doors, plus a plain white soft toilet seat for my bath.

Oh, and he also got a spray gun for the front hose so I can take the rat’s cage out and clean it. It’s just too big for the shower stalls.

Now for a quick Mary update before I go work out and do some cleaning. I put my foot down as far as the favors for others go unless it’s something as simple as email. Even she said she knew I’d want to kill her for this and to let her know if she was overwhelming me, but could I please print a copy of a certain set of poems some doctor wrote for her friend Brandi? I said I would, but no more favors of this kind after this. I don’t know these people. They’re her friends, not mine. Besides, I work for her.

She offered to send stamps which I thought was really nice. It’d help. Especially when I send all the stuff she wants sent to Florida, but why must it always be me? Can’t her aunt send some of this stuff? She mailed me some photos as well as some cards, and I told her to let me know how many pictures I can send at once when she gets to Florida. I don’t want to be getting a bunch of stuff returned to me.

I emailed a copy of her book to someone named Terri for her as she asked. I forget how she knows Terri. I think she’s a social worker of some kind.

She says Monster’s trial begins on the 6th, she has court on the 7th, will probably be at Estrella till around the 15th, and life with Virginia still sucks, but she’s surviving. I guess she just tries to ignore the cracks she makes.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 2, 2003
Looks like Michelle hasn’t dumped Mary after all, and no, I’m not embarrassed or upset over the fact that I sent the earlier journals. This is a stranger whose opinions are meaningless to me. If she mentions it to Mary, and I’m sure she will, all I have to say is that I sent it to her by accident.

Anyway, Michelle says she’s just been busy and hasn’t been on her computer. She has over 200 emails. I’ll have Tom mail her message I enclosed with a letter to Mary tonight, and hope she gets it before she leaves.

Hopefully, Mary will be able to let me know soon if she is leaving for sure or if she’s going to be sticking around a while longer. I’d like to know and understand more about the outcome of the AZ case and what’s to be happening with the FL case, but for reasons I can’t fathom, Mary’s rather secretive about this. I can’t imagine why, though, since she’s got nothing to hide. She’s not the one who did the abusing.

I really do hope she moves soon. Not just so no one could possibly recognize my name on my mail to her and get nosy, but I don’t want to have to visit her at Estrella at the end of the year. It isn’t because I don’t want to see her, but I just don’t want to return to that jail! I don’t want to have to wait forever to see her, either.

I wish there was a way of letting Teddy Bear know just how much I ended up falling in love with her and how much I miss her and wonder about her, not that it’d necessarily do me any good. Yes, I still miss her and long to be in her arms. I can close my eyes and feel exactly what it’d be like, too. I can still see her face and hear her voice as clearly as I did nearly two years ago.

I’m still also sorry she never cared enough, in the end, to follow through with her word about seeing me. I believe her feelings at the time were sincere, but I know that today, she probably hardly remembers me and barely ever thinks of me.

Or, as I theorized before, maybe she cared more for me than I thought and maybe that’s why she never contacted me. I’d like to think that the reason she blew me off was just that she fell too hard for a married, long-distance woman. Not that someone talked her out of seeing me, that Ida may’ve said something, that she may’ve got wind about my mail pertaining to her, or simply because someone else stole her heart (although I wouldn’t want her to be alone and lonely). Of course, there’s still always the slim chance she never got the letter, lost my number, or was simply too shy to call.

I think of all the possibilities that could’ve happened had we gotten together and wonder if I should be glad I never got the chance to find out for sure just what would’ve happened. Would I simply have seen her a few times a year? How long would she have been in my life? Would we have become intimate? Would we have both fallen so deeply in love that I’d be willing to risk giving up my home/security to go live with her (though I can’t see myself dumping on Tom like that or being able to live with never seeing him again) and if so, how long would it have lasted? What would a relationship with her be like? As good as I think it’d be? Would we have gotten sick of each other at some point?

Well, I guess I’ll never know what might’ve been, just like she’ll never know just how much I came to love her. I was hot with lust for her, but I was also in love with her. I’m sure I always will be, too.

This isn’t good; starting off a new year still teary-eyed over Teddy Bear. Damn you girl for doing this to me! God, a simple little phone call would’ve been nice. Just a quick little explanation would’ve been better than to be completely ignored. I don’t know, perhaps she felt it was best for both of us.

Although hungry as expected, the diet’s going well so far. I feel I’ve already lost a pound or two. I may actually be able to lose more like 5-10 pounds a week on this diet, and at first I worried that’d cause the cheeks to want to test me more than just one more time, but I’m not going to stop or slow down my dieting for the freeloaders. They’ve had enough control over my body as it is. I also have a voice that can say “no” to any more testing and be the one to call the shots, for once, as far as what I do. One more test. Period. He can have all the non-observed tests he wants, he can even have me strip-searched, but just one more test with eyes upon me.

Anyway, after I’ve been up for 5 hours is when I have my popcorn, and once I’ve been up for 10, I have my meal. At least I have that to look forward to. That’s the one time I get to eat till I’m full, though I’ll be so hungry by then that I don’t know if that meal will exactly fill me up.

We took pre-diet pictures of each other and although mine came out dark, it serves its purpose. I am one big girl! It’s ok, though, it’s all going away. All this fat shall be melted away. I’m totally determined this time around. Perhaps they are right when they say you can’t lose weight for others and that if you try, you’ll most certainly fail. I failed to lose weight for Teddy Bear when I thought she was a person of her word and that I’d surely be seeing her, but this time around will be different. I’ll make sure of it.

The only one I’m skeptical about is Tom. He, like most guys, doesn’t do a very good job at sticking to diets. He only lost a substantial amount of weight once since I knew him. That was back around the mid-90s and he packed the weight right back on. It seems it’s harder for him to stick to exercise than dieting, and exercise is the key to keeping the lost weight off.

We’re hoping to hit the hardware store and get the bike tomorrow.

If I don’t see a link real soon telling me that Chris is on her way, I’m going to be worried. Especially now that the holidays are over. If we don’t, Tom will go to their site and read more about what they say about shipping time. We know UPS takes 3-4 days, but they might not ship the doll out for 4-6 weeks. Hopefully, we’ll find something out soon. It’d really suck if they did send her and UPS misdelivered her. I’ve never known them to be like that, though. That’s why we made it a point to order from those who use UPS and not the post office.

So when I’m between 100-110, I’m skinny, between 110-120, I’m so-so, I’m chunky in the 120s, and fat once I hit 130.

I wonder what’s going on with Webshots. They still haven’t updated the daily pic section.

Tom still insists he wants to get it on, but hasn’t initiated sex only because of my lack of interest, and I still don’t know what to think. I guess I mostly think he’s as uninterested as I am, just by his actions, but what if he’s telling the truth? Then I’d feel guilty. But what would I do about it? Should I lie and say I suddenly want to get it on?

But I don’t. It was Teddy Bear I wanted sex with, but since that will never be, I’m just not interested in doing it with anyone at all. At least not now I’m not. Maybe things will change in time, though I don’t know when. I have a feeling that since I’ve settled into this mode for the last two years, I’m going to stay this way for a very long time, but anything beats being horny all the time and wanting a kid. It was hell on me, totally depressing, to constantly want sex with someone with such a low appetite, and to want a kid I couldn’t have. Besides, sex for the most part with Tom was boring. It was ok in the beginning when it was new, save for the fact that he rarely came, but then in time, with or without his cumming, it just got old. As I said before, the same thing would’ve eventually happened with Teddy Bear.

Later…

Well, now I know what they were working on in back. Yes, that horse is theirs, and they did put up a little corral of some type. Naturally, it had to be in front and towards the side of their house that’s closest to ours. Time will tell if this horse thing is a good thing or not. I wonder if it’ll smell more, but perhaps not with just one horse that’s 400 and something feet away. I guess besides making Maricopa a little smellier, the only real harm it could do would bring more outside activity. Activity that could get close to the house. If the worst they could do, though, is take away a little more of our privacy by riding by the house, then I’ll take it cuz there’s worse shit they could do. They don’t play music that can be heard inside the house and that’s the main thing right there. I’d rather them trash our land, stink the air up, and be outside screaming and barking non-stop than hear shit, particularly the thump of bass or drums, in this house. This might be a good sign. They have been quiet and I’ve always said that it’s the quiet people who move too soon. Well, you wouldn’t normally go out and get a horse, then up and move. I’d say they’ll be here for at least 5 years.

I’m just surprised George would allow it, although if you allow section 8, you’ll pretty much allow anything. Maybe he sold the land and a new owner took over. After all, I haven’t seen his truck in a while.

There’s still house number 4 to be brought in, though, and who’s to say what’ll end up living in that? At least the one closest to us has turned out to be ok. It’s a bitch, but all we have to do is move as soon as God sics us with problem neighbors again. I’m not about to stick around and take the same old shit all over again, believe me! At least they can’t torture us from closer than about 400’!

Well, I guess I’ll go play phone with the doctor’s office and try to set up an ear-cleaning appointment.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 1, 2003
Maricopa, AZ
Age 37

My starting weight is 133. Ridiculous. Absolutely sickening to weigh that much at this height! But that’s all the more motivation it’ll give me. I’ll have Tom disgust me further when he gets in by taking my pre-diet picture.

Meanwhile, just one more year, freeloaders, just one more year! Almost, anyway, though I know I can’t stop God from picking someone else to sic on me to replace the blacks. All I know is that in about 300 days from now, nothing I do, nothing I say, no place I go, no check or money order we write out, nor my schedule, will ever again be connected to these blacks.

This is the year I rid my life of the bitch forever, the year I get thin again and stay that way for a while, not allowing freeloaders or any other people/circumstances to cause me to regain the weight till I’m ready to do so. The year I, Jodi Lin S, AKA Mystery, Dawn, whatever…shall begin a career in doll making. There are 3 steps to that. One, I get the equipment/supplies and learn to make dolls. Two, I make the dolls I want to make for myself. Three, I sell dolls.

Mary was doing well there for a while with better punctuation, but it was short-lived. Some of the stuff had nothing but commas and I’d have to stop, go back, and decide whether or not that comma should be a period. Sometimes there were even commas where they shouldn’t be. I don’t understand this. Could it be a particular way of teaching at the convent? I doubt it. I can’t imagine any teacher teaching their students to write without punctuation or caps. Especially without punctuation. Anyway, it gets frustrating at times, but I know she’s trying and I understand that habits take time to change. As long as she’s working on it, though. Especially when I’m busier making dolls. That way I can type stuff twice as fast. One step at a time, though. She need not bother with caps yet, just give me periods along with the commas so I know where the ends of sentences are!

It’s a good thing we got only one Flovent inhaler cuz I may have to stop it cuz it’s making my voice hoarse. Once I suspected the Flovent was to blame for this, I checked the list of adverse reactions listed with it and hoarseness was one of them.

The other day Tom came to me and said it just hit him as far as how to fix the doors go. We’ve been going about it all wrong, he told me, and I agreed. Putting barely stickable weather stripping up just to have it fall down was a waste. Anyway, he told me that all we have to do is get some strips of wood the next time he’s at a hardware store and put it in the gap up top. The damn door’s too low and doesn’t quite meet up with the frame up top. We can do the same with the back door.

As for the front door’s leak, Tom caulked the sill from outside the other day, and when the sun comes up I’ll test it by hosing water on it, but somehow I doubt it’s fixed. It’s like we’re doomed to have something that we can’t stop from leaking no matter where we go. We could live in 100 more houses yet each one would have its share of leaks, some of which were unstoppable.

We took the rat guard out of Tom’s office doorway (the curtain rod we screwed in between the floor and underside of the door) and we’ll take the one out in the retreat door just as soon as we get wood for it to make an extension that the rats can’t get through.

Our last mollie died yesterday, and the mouse is still in the house, so I discovered yesterday while I was reading in bed. I saw it run from the bathroom and go behind the nightstand. I set up the trap by it, but just like I thought after I dropped it when I had it trapped in the utility area, I didn’t catch it. I just don’t think I’m going to catch this one. It’s too clever for some reason. Most mice are dumb, but this one remembers the trauma associated with it and avoids it. The big question is, has the mouse been in the house all along? Or is it coming and going through openings we missed? Nonetheless, it hasn’t hurt anything so it can live with us till the next time we bomb, although all it has to do is run down in the vents to escape the fumes, even if we did seal it up so it can’t get outside. I just hope it doesn’t have babies in the house. I love mice, but we don’t need a bunch of them living loose in the house or down in the vents. I miss ceiling vents!

I’m sorry to say that there might be a horse living at the renters. Tom said he heard them trying to teach a kid to ride a bike the other day when he was out working, and I was like, on dirt? What a way to learn! Not that I don’t like horses, but I hope I’m wrong. We have enough horse shit stench in the air as it is, and that’d be just one more thing to drag these people outside. They’re outside so much of the time as it is. They’re always home and always outside unless it’s hot. That’s the pattern I’ve noticed in the year that they’ve been here anyway. If the horse is theirs, that means our land has to be ridden on (till we get fences) and it’d be a wonderful way to bring loud, shrilly kids closer to the house. Besides, what are they going to do? Keep it tethered to their front tree? That’s ridiculous. Shouldn’t they have fences if they’re going to have horses? I’ll check it out when the sun comes up, but hopefully it’s just a case of them knowing someone who came to visit via their horse and it was just waiting for them.

Then again, I don’t remember seeing any saddle or ropes attached to it, so maybe it got loose. But it was there for quite a while and they’d had to have seen it, though I didn’t see any people out when I spotted the horse. Hmm… guess we’ll just have to wait and see.

Later…

Oh, my God, I absolutely don’t believe it! I was right about the leak. It was seeping in under the sill. I just tested it and all is as dry as can be.

No horses in back that I can see of either.