December 2002 in 2000s

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 31, 2002
Well, that’s weird. Webshots never put out new pictures like they usually do after midnight.

Tom got in a couple of hours ago saying it was freezing out. Like in the 20s.

He went looking for that $100 bike, but so far it’s been out of stock which figures. If worse came to worse we could always order it online, but tomorrow begins my diet. Yes, I am ready now. Low-cal, low-carb, high-protein. By February 1st I should have lost at least 12 pounds. I’m looking forward to being my old self – skin, bone and muscle. I think I’m going to look really good once I peel the fat off and expose the muscle. I should reach a suitable weight by mid-March.

The plan is to have one meal and one snack (popcorn, my favorite) per day. Once a week I’ll have a large candy bar or something like that. No 2000-calorie half-gallon of ice cream! I will take my multivitamin daily and have lots of water and coffee (decaf, for the most part). That’s the diet aspect of it.

For the exercise aspect, I’ll work my abs daily and use the bike daily as soon as we get it. Every other day I’ll work my arms and every other day my legs.

The renter’s place is as busy as it usually is during the daytime, and why they’ve been parking their green truck in the middle of the road lately beats me.

Tom will be working tonight and I’ll be getting up close to midnight. I don’t know if I’ll see the ball go down this year.

MONDAY, DECEMBER 30, 2002
Okay, bitch, so you just love the camera, huh? Well, we’ll see how much you love it after you see what I’ve done!

Unfortunately, I don’t have too many pictures of Mary, though I assure you tons of them do exist. The walls in her house are plastered with them. She has a lot of different people on her walls, but she’s in a good 95% or so of the pictures. Too bad she was never pretty enough to be a model. She’d have had a field day!

Anyway, I took a picture of her posed looking straight on at the camera in the middle of a gazebo. I forgot how to superimpose from other pictures (I was going to put some giant rats on her head), so I settled for cutting/pasting copies of her head on the gazebo’s posts, so it looks like she’s standing there with duplicate heads atop the posts.

Then I used a picture I took a while back. When we were visiting, I asked if I could take her and Tom’s pictures. Tom didn’t care, but Mary was quick to oblige. So, I got a shot of her next to Tom, though fittingly, Mary was closer to the camera than Tom was. So when I copied/pasted her head in place of Tom’s, I had to enlarge and rotate it a bit. Rotating’s a bitch, but I managed. I had to because Tom was leaning slightly forward. This means that had I put Mary’s head on Tom’s body as it was, the angle wouldn’t look right. So it looks like there are two Marys with very similar bodies. Mary’s about 50 pounds lighter than Tom and about 5” shorter, but because she was closer, the bodies looked identical in weight/height. It really did look more like there were two of her, rather than one of her and another of her head on Tom’s body.

I’m hoping she’ll get a taste of what it’s like to be embarrassed and put on the spot, but with my shit luck, she’ll get a kick out of it.

Meanwhile, something really wants one or both of us to keep running to Casa Grande. Yeah, once again we have to be put out by other people’s actions. Or lack of them, I should say, in this case. Tom rented that tool for $50 to work on the truck which was due to be returned yesterday. When he got there, all the employees were hanging out in the parking lot, but the store was closed cuz the boss never showed up to open the store. They put it in notation that he did attempt to bring it back, so hopefully the $50 will be refunded without a problem come tomorrow. That’s the second time in less than a week that one or both of us went all the way out there for no damn reason at all.

I am not looking forward to another near-year with the freeloaders yanking my reins, and the fact that I have no choice in the matter, as usual, only strengthens my animosity towards God. How can he allow this to go on year after year like he has and why?!?! And why are those who burn me so damn exempt from the law? Keeping them safe from justice is one thing, but it’s like God wants to add insult to injury by going so far as to reward them. To say that God works in mysterious ways is beyond an understatement.

Those freeloaders are going to be miserable come October 30th when I’m no longer in their clutches. No, not miserable, but pissed. They’re going to be pissed and that worries me a little. I shouldn’t let it, though, cuz they’ll never do to me the things they have ever again. Not in this life! They’ll just prey on some other poor white soul and victimize them for years like they did with me. First it’ll be directly. Then, when one of them moves, they’ll use the black-loving law to get at them indirectly. Like I said, I’d really like to look up how many times they’ve been to court as the so-called “victims.”

Most of Mary’s poems, both of which she wrote and copied from books, are typical of what you’d expect poems to be. However, she wrote a sexual fantasy that had me both impressed with her creative imagination and grossed out. I’d swear a guy wrote it if I didn’t know better. I’ll insert the sickest part of it, though I know it’s a matter of taste, so to speak. Some people really dig this particular shit, but to me, using assholes during sex, threesomes, and shit like she wrote never fazed me.

You carefully reach down to the breakfast plate and take hold of a strawberry. You lick the syrup off it, then put it to my lips and watch me slowly suck on the tip of it. Suddenly you pull it away, running it along my flesh all the way to my clit. You teasingly move it around, making me moan, then you push it into my pussy, then you plunge your tongue into my silky flesh and play with the strawberry, trying to dig it out, making me go into ecstasy. Once you finally free the strawberry, you pop it into your mouth and chew on it, slowly savoring the taste of me.

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 29, 2002
Before I get into what’s been going on and Mary’s latest insult (Tom’s Mary), I’ll just say that I got a couple of letters from my Mary, asking me to type up addresses which I did. The girl sure knows a lot of people in lots of places! She’s much more of a people person than I am. Anyway, I typed a sheet to send to her while she’s still at Estrella and a sheet waiting to go to her in Florida but didn’t save it on the computer.

She said her cousin David in North Carolina was subpoenaed for January 6th, so I guess she may be leaving shortly afterward. She still didn’t tell me what this means and what will be happening in Florida. I don’t know if that’s because she herself doesn’t know or if she doesn’t want me to know, though I can’t imagine why she’d hold out on me.

We’ll be getting the bike within a few days and so will begin my approximate 8-10 weeks of sweat and hunger. Especially hunger! Tom may grab himself a new computer chair if he happens to spot one he likes along the way, but if not, I may order one or two more vinyls for now, since I’ll probably get all the Ashton dolls at once with January’s stock. I might get Playboy Dalene and black Esme, and possibly Eve as a redhead if there’s a problem with Dalene.

It looks like they’re going to be mean and cheat Tom out of his bonus this year, according to him. He says they’re stiffing lots of people. He may have a cold, too. Just when he was boasting about how everyone else at work was sick but him, he now has a sore throat. At least there’s no way I can catch colds! Not living at home smoke-free and getting enough sleep. Or usually getting enough sleep, anyway. A strange dream jolted me right out of a dead sleep the other day. A loud thunderous crash woke me up, but when I stumbled out to ask Tom about it, he said he heard no such thing. I was glad he was here to tell me so or else I’d forever wonder if the crash was real or just a dream.

Just when I was about to write off the new electric razor as a waste of money, I changed my mind once I got to trimming my pussy hair with it. You can submerge the thing under water, so I could easily do it while relaxing in the tub without getting the clean close shave a regular razor would give me which would cause irritation and give me that little girl bald look. Instead, it just trims it without giving me razor burn or cutting me.

Tom’s been working on the trucks and he hopes to have the green one running real soon. I told him I still can’t help but be furious with Palm Harbor and that maybe we should call them out here after all. Why should we pay to fix doors we already paid for? We already paid to have them done right and the same goes for the shower, although that might not be their fault since it happened quite a while afterward. That’s probably just part of our curse. Also, if we call them out, we’d know exactly who it was that fucked up if they made matters worse and I could handle them like I should’ve handled Dan.

Tom said I should look at the big picture and remember that we got this house for $20,000 less than we would’ve if we’d gotten it directly through Palm Harbor.

Yeah, I know. That’s why we’re being compensated like this. Compensated and cursed!

We ended up with a total of 15 Christmas cards. Half from coworkers, half from family.

Mary had to go and insult me yet again by using a picture of me to make picture ornaments with. She did the same for Tom and everyone else as he pointed out, but why can’t I ever get a, “You’re right, she was wrong to do this?” We’re married, for God’s sake! He shouldn’t be defending, finding excuses, or looking for other reasons why someone or something may have pissed me off. Mary knows damn well I don’t like my picture taken like most people don’t and I don’t see how she could not know that this would bother me. She was obviously pissed off over my message to her giving her my piece of mind, which would also explain why I never got a receipt for it (that and the rat pics with the tails that gross her out) and this was her way of getting even. And while she was at it, she put others on the spot as well to try to look less obvious. That’s why when Tom pointed out that she did it for everyone, I was not impressed. That’s still no excuse and doing it for all of us is no cover for her main intention. Like most people, she underestimated my mentality. You can clearly see in the picture that I not only look like shit but my head is turned as if trying to avoid the camera and I was not happy about having my picture taken. Why must this bitch embarrass and put people on the spot like she does? It is so incredibly rude not to ask people first. Kids are one thing, but most adults don’t like to be reminded of how they look. That’s why I intend to take a before and after diet picture. Not just to see the difference in the end, but so that I can be disgusted by how I look now to help motivate me. But shit like that should be up to me, not Mary.

They say it’s best to get even and not mad, and believe me, I am not going to give this rude bitch the reaction she so obviously wants! Instead, I quickly thanked her for all the gifts and went on to describe how big the rats are getting, including vivid details of those tails she just loves so much, and believe me, I intend to shower her with rat pictures with good tail shots. Meanwhile, my half a dozen or so visits a year just got cut right in half.

So other than her shit, I was surprised we got no shirts or food. Tom was wrong too, when he said we got a fryer. We got a grill from Mary and Dave that’s supposed to be healthier because the grill’s slanted, allowing the grease to drip away. It’s pretty high-tech and sophisticated looking. It has a clear purple cover and has charts for how long to cook things like pork chops, T-bones and more.

We got a cat calendar from, believe it or not, Ray and Nora. I have no use for it, though, since I already made ours. One for my office and one between the den and kitchen. Next year I’ll know better not to make them up till I find out if anyone’s going to get us one.

There was a ceramic item Mom made, but I don’t know what you’d call it. It’s not a cup, a bowl or a vase, but it is closer to a cup in size. It’s pretty too, with yellow tulips, a bunny and a chick. I have it on top of one of the kitchen cabinets.

Another thing from Mom was this little block of wood with a tag on it saying to walk around it twice so you could say you exercised by “walking around the block twice.”

Dave and Rudy got me a puzzle. I was wondering about this brand too, and whether or not I’d like it. I saw it at the dollar store.

We got another one of those scented candles from Steven and Carol. The kind that’ll cover this place in soot if I light it, so it’ll be an outdoor candle if we ever really do get porches.

Lastly, Jackie and Jim got us a book all about things you can make with wire. Thanks, but no thanks, although it does contain some rather clever ideas.

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 27, 2002
Tom emailed me from work saying I got two letters from Mary. All loaded with favors, I’m sure. Hopefully, she’ll also have a narrower time frame of when she’ll be leaving for Florida.

The most astonishing news is that PG actually did refund our money! Wow, huh? See, I should’ve talked to them myself a lot sooner. Tom’s simply too nice sounding. Guess I really can sound more persuasive than I’ve given myself credit for in the past!

On his way to work, he stopped at Mom’s for our Christmas presents. As usual, it’s mostly stuff we don’t want/need, though it’s the thought that counts. He says we got a candle, a blanket mom made, a fryer and some calendars, stuff we have plenty of. However, we did get something we do want/need and that we don’t have plenty of and that’s the money we usually get - $100 each. There are even some things Mary made (I didn’t know she was the crafty type) and he says I have a couple of gifts to open, presumably one from Mom and the other from Mary and Dave. I wonder if any are dolls.

I may not see the stuff before Tom gets in, but I probably will. I got up at 3 PM and he should be in by 7 AM.

He got a couple more things from coworkers. He got a $20 certificate for Fry’s Electronics and a $20 certificate for Home Depot. We could use both. Lastly, he got a 12-pack of soda which he’s keeping at work.

Tonight I have to agree with those who consider rodents to be pests! They don’t want to know their cage exists once it’s dark. I really do love them, though. They just love to climb on me. I couldn’t keep them off me if I wanted to. Oreo’s between Sneezy and all the other rats that weren’t mean or crazy; he comes out of the cage, but won’t venture further than a few feet. He always hangs right by or on me and if I move he follows, though not too far. Like I said, he likes to stay close to home.

I wonder what Scot does on those fifth Fridays of those months that have them? Does he stay in his office or does he see people? He’s never been here on a Friday before, but of course, that could very well change, since Wednesday is going to be the new report day.

Also, the more I think about it, the more I wonder if he really is going to show up here before we see him in Casa Grande because he was talking like we wouldn’t see each other till then. We’ll see, though. I just hope he doesn’t show up 3 times in 5 weeks, cuz if he does, God’s going to make sure I’m home and more than likely sound asleep at least one of those times.

I sent my final piece of mail to “chickenmax.” With Webshot’s postcards, the person you’re sending it to doesn’t know if you ask to be notified of when the card was picked up, so I sent a blank card, and sure enough, it was never retrieved. See, I know it’s them. If it wasn’t, they’d either block me out, change their address or tell me they didn’t know who the hell I was. They wouldn’t just ignore me. I’d think that the only way one wouldn’t do any of these 3 things would be only if they were curious about reading the mail, but like I said, they didn’t pick up the card.

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 26, 2002
It’s coming up on 7:00, time for next door’s mutt to bark on and off till around midnight. I still can’t believe I’d hear it this well if it weren’t on our property, but it’s too dark out there to tell where the hell it is. We’ll find out anyway when the fences go up.

I never saw the mouse again, so it either died somewhere in the house, which I doubt or went back outside never to return again. Then, Tom taped the vent, but I wouldn’t be surprised if there were other openings we couldn’t find. Either that or if mice chewed through the tape. Time will tell for sure.

I am so pissed off at Palm Harbor and all their fuck-ups! I always have been and I always will be, but we know that calling them out here would only make matters worse. We don’t need some stupid, illiterate Mexican coming out and doing more damage it’d only get away with.

We discussed various options for dealing with the front and back doors which aren’t flush against their jams and the leaky master shower. Finally, I came out and said, “Except for fixing the sill underneath the front door which is now where I think it’s leaking from, fuck fixing doors and showers and whatever else they were too stupid to get right because we shouldn’t have to! It’s not our responsibility. We paid Palm Harbor to do it and if they couldn’t do it why should we have to? I’m sick of doing other people’s work for them. That’s all we do; correct other people’s mistakes and pick up where they left off. I’m sick of others putting us out or ripping us off. Besides, I feel like us being forced to do what they should’ve done in the factory is only giving in to whatever’s cursing us. It’ll only give it what it wants – a good laugh at our expense. We’ve lived with their fuck-ups this long, we might as well continue to do so. Besides, I still don’t think we’ll be here that many more years.”

Anyway, while on the subject of having to suffer on account of other people’s fuck-ups, today was take two of trying to get our damn pension money. It was the same lady too, and we explained what happened. Naturally, she said it was weird and she couldn’t understand it. With our shit luck, a supernatural force changed the dates after we left.

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 25, 2002
Yesterday was not a fun day at all. I had woken up at 1:00 with a headache and was going to go back and catch a couple more hours of sleep after taking some Ibuprofen when Tom, who’d just gotten up, told me the form arrived at work last night.

So we stupidly headed for Casa Grande, not realizing that just about everything was shutting down and that meant all the notaries as well. I am so fucking sick of being teased with this money! All that time and gas was wasted, and of course, Tom lost sleep over it. He had only slept for 3 hours when he got up. So now I’ve got this major pressure on me to stay up as late as I can so we can get to a notary first thing Thursday morning. I took Benadryl and got a 4-hour nap, but I don’t know if that’ll necessarily help me. Do you know how much easier my life would be if I could just keep a schedule?!

Tom got more sleep after we got back and now he’s working. He’s had a tough time of it lately cuz all his employees are sick, quitting or getting fired.

Tom made copies of the form this time around so that when they go and fuck things up yet again, we can start all over again for the third time right away till someone gets it right.

How much hassle will we get with trying to obtain January’s stock money once it’s sold? And how much of it will we lose along the way after we’re forced to sell lower?

It used to be you’d almost never see pig cruisers, but now we can’t even go a few miles without seeing them. Everywhere we go there are pig cars, and I’m like, is something up there taunting me?

On our way back from our wasted trip today, next door’s two dogs were at the foot of their driveway. Tom made the comment about them being their dogs and I said I knew that and that the dogs have been on the land. The smaller of the two, and they’re both not very big after all, can be heard barking inside the house. It’s come on to our land to bark before, and I think that the times I hear it barking at night is when it’s on our land. Either that or right at the edge of it. We’ll find out in a few months when we get the fences up.

For inside strays, well, God just had to send us one more mouse before we taped the vent up. The only problem is that it got away. I had it trapped, but the door flung open and the mouse fell out and scurried under the washer. I reset the trap but haven’t gotten anything. I think it either went back outside or is too scared to re-enter the trap. Tom says it’d be dumb enough to get trapped again if it’s in the house, reminding me about Gizzy, but not all mice are that dumb. They may not be as smart as rats, but they’re not the dumbest creatures alive, either.

I was surprised to get a joke from Dave, though it was stupid as all hell and quite childish. I was wondering if he’d ever send me another joke again and asked him if he had gotten through all the ones I emailed him.

As I was going through some of my past journals, I came across something I’d forgotten all about. Apparently, I did send the black bitch a wacky letter with mish-mashed sentences just to confuse and annoy them in ‘97. I can see how some people may’ve perceived this to be threatening, although one letter like this to a grown adult still doesn’t justify throwing me in jail for 6 months and on probation for 2½ years. Nor does it excuse the pig’s abusing his authority, Paul’s manipulations, the DA’s ludicrous sentence recommendation, and the judge’s being deranged enough to go along with it.

Later…

I’m a little tired since 6-8 hours of sleep just won’t cut it for me. I got up at 2:00 and will crash by 6:00 and be up by 1:00 or 2:00 so we can go to Casa Grande to play form again. There is no doubt whatsoever that something has wanted me to get out of the house much, much more often since we moved. Fine then. Come the end of this freeloader shit, I’ll just make sure to get out on my own. If God really helps those who help themselves, I’ll make it a point to get out more even if it’s just to stand and stare at my surroundings so he doesn’t feel the need to force unwanted appointments on me like crazy, though I’ll take the old therapy, teeth, ear, and asthma appointments back anytime over the freeloader-related ones. Nonetheless, I’m overwhelmed with appointments as usual right now. Gotta play form all over again tomorrow, have Scot stop by the first week of January, see Scot on the 8th, see the dentist soon, then the ear doctor and God knows who else.

I slept with the fan on higher, figuring someone would be likely to either get an ATV for Christmas or at least ride around on one they’ve already got, but I haven’t heard any buzzing since I’ve been up. Of course, I did have to hear someone’s music, if only faintly and if only outdoors.

Tom’s been working on the truck for hours now. I hope he gets whatever gifts are waiting for us soon, cuz every year someone gets us food and I want all the junk gone before the diet starts. Again, exercise alone just won’t cut it for losing weight. It’ll keep you fit and help you keep the weight off, but it won’t lose the weight. One must diet in order to lose weight. My working out has been at an all-time low this last month and that’s why I’ve gained so much weight and am 135 instead of 125. Once again, there really is no max for me. Most people who don’t diet or exercise stop gaining weight at some point, but I know I’d never stop if I continued on the way I have. I could easily end up over 200 pounds in time. If I’d kept working out I would’ve stayed at 125, but without that, there’s simply no end to the amount of weight I’d gain. I guess maybe a part of me let myself get so out of hand as to motivate me all the more. Tom and I agreed we’d take before and after pictures of ourselves and I know I’m going to be extremely disgusted with that pre-diet picture. I’m big everywhere, but my hips and face are horrendous. You could call me Apple Cheeks! It looks like I’ve got something stuffed between my cheeks and gums, and of course, there’s the giant droopy neck, thunder thighs, bubble butt and bloated belly. If I told people I was 4 months pregnant I’m sure they’d buy it. Either that or I recently had a kid.

Still no mouse, so it really did either go back outside or was smart enough not to get trapped again. If it is in the house, it’s not going to live long unless it’s too dumb to remember how to get back outside, cuz I’ve made it a point not to leave anything around it could eat.

Last night and the night before, Tom brought home an assortment of goodies from employees at the bank.

MONDAY, DECEMBER 23, 2002
Tom had a good scare before he left for the store. He was working on the trucks when in the mirror he saw what he thought was the biggest dog ever, but it turned out to be an alpaca! According to my dictionary, they’re a domesticated, long-haired South American mammal of the camel family, related to the llama and similar in appearance. He said it was taller than me but shorter than him and seemed pretty brave. He got some pictures of it before it took off. So people let loose more than just their dogs around here. They let their horses roam free and even their alpacas.

They’re really jerking us around with the pension money. I just don’t understand why they won’t let us have the money. It’s our fucking money for God’s sake! First they fuck up the dates, and now they can’t even get the form to us. They’re like PG. First they delivered incompetence, then nothing at all. I asked Tom if we should just forget it since we’re close enough to January’s stocks, but he said no, we need more money than that. At least he was able to get a hold of them. I know he was rather upset with them the second time around, so I’m sure that as easy-going and calm as he usually is, he really let them have it when he called them last night. I’m sure they’re just waiting till my schedule’s right smack on nights.

Boy, if one ever felt lonely out here and wanted to see people, all they’d have to do was look out our kitchen window. That’d remind them that there’s still life out there.

I got it backward when I said we were 150’ from the street and 200’ from the south side. It’s the other way around, according to Tom. When I stood out by the street where I could see our house, next door and the renter’s, I couldn’t decide which one was closer to us. They’re both about 450’. The farthest rental’s probably close to 1000’ away.

Got my album’s stats and they really like to download the dolls while they view me. There are just 12 views on the Mice and Land albums but over 1400 of me. Of the 15 downloads, 13 of them have been dolls.

I saw a documentary on jailed/imprisoned inmates. In one breath they were talking about how random cell searches that leave their few precious belongings in shambles, leads to the inmates feeling powerless and enraged which is the effect they want to achieve, yet in the second breath, they bitch about the system not working. Well, this one psychologist was smart enough to recognize and say, “Of course it’s not working. When you treat people that way and you do things to provoke and enrage them, they’re going to lash back out.”

See, that’s the problem with this shit system. I’m not saying that people shouldn’t pay for their crimes, I’m saying that only the guilty, for one, should pay, the punishment should fit the crime, and they should be treated with a little more respect and not pushed around so much. The fucking lawmakers don’t seem to get it. They don’t seem to realize that the more you strive to control people, the more they’re likely to rebel and go the other way. Just like with the freeloaders, we all can only take so much. I know I never could or would be able to go through this shit again. I simply wouldn’t take it. I’d never let it get so far as to get me tricked into jail, and I sure as hell would never be a probationer again, that’s for sure. I didn’t choose to go to jail, but in a sad sense, I’m choosing to be on probation when in fact I could run. I could shut Scot and this state out of my life completely if I wanted to right now, though not without putting myself out big time. Of course, if I had more years of probation, then I wouldn’t be putting myself out at all by splitting.

I know most people are stupid beyond belief, but it’s so obvious that some people actually want to go to jail. People just get so sick of life. They get fed up with the long lines at the grocery store, the mounting bills, the screaming kids who won’t let them have a peaceful moment to themselves, etc., so they want to go to jail where life’s simpler. It may be a hard life in jail, but at the same time, it’s easy. You just sit there all day and let yourself be waited on hand and foot. Your meals are all cooked for you and handed right to you even if most of them aren’t very edible. You don’t even have to clean up after yourself.

Paula left another message. She’s always calling when I’m asleep or online. She said, “You must be asleep or sick. I’ll call back later, but only if I can. Justin’s always on the computer. Don’t bother sending email cuz Justin brought in a virus.”

Whatever. I mean, I just don’t care. I know all we’d talk about would be her man problems, and it’s only another few years before Justin joins his mom in court and jail.

This Flovent’s a waste of time and money seeing how I still have to take the Albuterol every day.

Why do they have their trampoline across the street? Does this mean it’s broken?

I forgot to mention how Mei Li was packed. It was ridiculous! She was inside a box that was inside another box that had Styrofoam pellets as if she was this fragile little thing made of porcelain. It even said fragile on the outside of the box! How fragile can a plastic doll be, though?

I emailed Michelle a very strange message. It’ll be interesting to see if Mary mentions it. If she does I’ll just tell her I emailed it to her by accident. I even put, Hey, Paula, I miss you! in the subject area. Anyway, I emailed journal excerpts from back east just to confuse her. I just wish she’d told me not to bother sending her letters from Mary rather than let me go ahead and take the time to type them up. Naturally, I had to mishmash some sentences to make them even more confusing and funnier, and naturally, I deleted anything racial or that may be perceived as a threat. I even omitted swears.

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 22, 2002
Tom’s back at work now. We put the weather stripping on the door yesterday, but I have my doubts about it preventing it from leaking. The door was just meant to leak cuz leaks are us. No matter where we are something has to leak.

He’s going to email me later to let me know if the form arrived. Because we already splurged on things, the money will all have to go to bills once we finally get it.

In a few months, the Bowflex payments will stop, and of course, there are 10 more freeloader bills.

Soon we’ll be selling more stocks. That’s free money, by the way, and that helps balance out some of our losses. After losing money to bullshit contractors, the freeloaders, etc, it’s almost like we’re getting reimbursed for it, though nothing can ever pay us back or make up for the 6 months of freedom I lost or the sheer hell and mental anguish of the past 7 years. You just can’t put a price on anger, depression, stress, degradation and lost sleep.

I downloaded a bunch of new fonts earlier and will be showing Mary some samples.

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 21, 2002
Oh, I am so sick of this barking! It’s been horrible lately. For the last few months, barking has been audible inside the house like never before. Someone nearby obviously got some new dogs. I don’t think it’s any of the immediate houses, but with no trees or buildings, they wouldn’t have to be so immediate. The house towards the front had 3 or 4 of them going off at once the other day when we were outside. Again I have to ask myself, how can the owners stand it? And why must so many dogs in this state be stored outside 24/7 as if they were old, used and discarded furniture? It’s not that dogs should never be outdoors, but dogs should be part of the family and not part of the landscape.

I woke up earlier than I thought I would yesterday, so we saw Scot around 10:00. I should be used to it by now, but I’m not. Meaning, on the way there my heart pounded with the same anxiety it always pounds with when en route to Scot. I kept trying to tell myself, don’t let this system intimidate you. They can’t hurt you anymore. You won’t let them. You know better now. Still, you just never know what may come up and who might pull what.

Court was in session so we met where the secretaries work next door and were in and out in a flash. He even surprised me by wishing us a good Christmas. I didn’t think he was the type to wish anybody a good anything.

If there’s any good news, my stomach still doesn’t flip-flop over the thought of the upcoming test. I guess I just won’t let it get to me. It’s going to be just one more time and then I’ll never have to endure that kind of humiliation ever again. I’m sure that come the 8th, though, as we’re on our way to Casa Grande, my stomach will be flip-flopping plenty. The test might not be until February or even March. Personally, I hope it is right away. I just want to get it over with and put it behind me forever, but somehow, I wouldn’t count on God to be that nice to me. Not after how much he’s already made me suffer on account of this bullshit.

One of the first things Scot asked us was if we got the truck, and I wondered if he did cuz he saw them. I could’ve sworn I saw his gold SUV go by the other day, though he usually sees people in the white one. I asked Tom if he saw him, but he said he didn’t notice. Must’ve been under one of the trucks when it went by. I didn’t ask if it was him or not, but if it was, why didn’t he stop here? I guess he just doesn’t feel it’s time yet and that he’d rather pop in on his problem clients instead for now. I still think he’ll be here soon enough, though. I just hope to hell he doesn’t go crazy with the visits like he did at the start of last year. There’s no way we can fence and lock him out before March. I’ll just ignore him this time around, though, if I have to. There’s more to my life than Scot B and his little forms.

Sure enough, the PG dolls never came. We went from having to fight like hell to get dolls from them to not being able to get them at all. I don’t know if I’m still gonna BBB them or not. It wouldn’t get us our money back, nor would it get Tasha sent to us.

As scheduled, Mei Li arrived yesterday. She came earlier too, at 3:30. It’s a good thing we weren’t out on account of the black bitch at that time like I thought we’d be cuz I thought I was going to sleep late.

She’s gorgeous. Hers and Tyler’s bodies are identical as they are from the same molds. Just the head molds are different, and I assure you, Mei Li’s face is way nicer. She has a very realistic face for a vinyl doll. The Playboy dolls are realistic from head to toe, unlike Tyler and her 3 friends who aren’t too realistic from the neck down, though they are more realistic than Barbie.

Anyway, she has long, straight black hair to the tush and came in a very nice, elegant pale pink teddy with pale pink strappy sandals. She also came with sheer stockings which looked nice, but hindered me from being able to put her in a sitting position as they were so tight, so I removed them.

Amazingly, this rat gives kisses back, too! Yes, Little Fella is my favorite of these two. He doesn’t mean to me what Little Buddy did, and perhaps no rat ever will, but he’s a cool one. I had to raise the bitch up on a stand, though, cuz she was trying to bite the poor fella’s nose off whenever he’d walk up to her cage. I hate that rat! She’s gotten to be as mean as the bear was. But that’s all the more reason Tom just has to love her. He always wants to keep the animals I can’t stand as well as the ones I like. Hopefully, she’ll surprise me like Little Ratsy did and not live long.

Anyway, Oreo’s a lot like Sneezy was, except Sneezy would never leave the cage. Little Fella’s a Houdini, minus the destructiveness, which I so do appreciate.

The subject came up earlier about stupid things people have said to me over the years. One of the old phony cronies of Nettle’s Island where my folks used to live had told me when I was 24 that I was “too pretty to be gay.”

I was like, “You mean women deserve only ugliness?”

Then there was that jailhouse therapist Kara who was all worried about having me classified as closed custody, but would it have mattered? After all, I was already being labeled a stalker.

Then that vicious butch Mary D said when we were discussing artificial insemination, “Not many men would be willing to give up their sperm to a gay woman.”

Not many men would be willing to give up their sperm to even a straight woman! I really believe most men who became fathers were tricked, in a sense. Let’s just say that if most of them could know when they were going to make a baby each time they had sex, the world’s population would be half of what it is. That’s just not a guy thing in general.

I understand that some people would consider me to be selfish, but I am so glad we never did have that kid I once wanted so badly. If there’s one thing I do not need right now it’s the burden and expense of another mouth to feed, another being to care for. Caring for myself, my husband, and my animals is way more than enough. On days when I’m exhausted or upset, the last thing I’d need would be a fussy baby screaming at me with poopy diapers that stink so bad they nearly make me puke. I have nothing against kids. Kids are wonderful. But kids are not for me. There would be so little opportunity to do things. You know what they say – have kids, have no life. I couldn’t make dolls for damn sure. What would we do? Hire a nanny with money we wouldn’t have to keep them out of my hair while I worked? Right!

Anyway, I guess it’s all a matter of one’s preference as well as priorities. Homemaking and hobbies are my passions, along with my husband and pets.

The thought of some of the dolls I want to make being made a year from now and the freeloaders not owning me is beyond too good to be true! Way beyond it.

I was rather overwhelmed with all the mail I got from Mary two days ago! Such mixed emotions too, between feeling sad for her, mad at Todd and Virginia, and frustrated over organizing those damn drafts I had sent her to organize! I told her I did my best, but this is it! No more organization for me. It drives me crazy. Again I suggested she just write the story while she’s locked up, trying her best to keep it in order till she’s free and able to go over it with an editor and or publisher. My job is simply to type up what she sends me. I don’t want to go through this again cuz it’s a real bitch.

She says she’s going to Florida soon and I told her that once there, I’d send her all her story drafts as well as her affirmations and poems, and to please hang onto that copy so I don’t have to print too many. She had asked me to scan/print some astrology stuff, but then I asked her if she really thought that was a wise idea if she thinks she’s just going to be moved soon. I’m also slowing down my mail to her so I don’t get too much returned if I go sending stuff during the move.

I don’t know what will exactly be happening in Florida, though I asked her. Is she to be standing trial? Being a witness? Both?

She also said she thinks Michelle’s gone and ditched her and I think she might be right, though as I also told her, it could be a good thing. Meaning, sometimes it’s best to break all connections to the ones that hurt us like I had to cut off my sister and niece who were too closely connected with my folks and brother.

Anyway, the reason I think she’s right is cuz of something Tom told me that I was unaware of. I checked a box asking for receipts on all retrieved emails that I send, which Tom informed me was optional on the receiver’s part. So just cuz I don’t get a receipt for something I send, doesn’t mean it wasn’t read. The person I send it to receives a pop-up box asking them if they want to send me the receipt and they can say no. So, along with the astrology stuff, she might want to put a hold on any more letters to Michelle.

Meanwhile, she sent me yet another person’s letter to type. Some guy named José who was recently jailed in Florida. For what, I don’t know, but I guess the two were friends. At the same time I don’t like doing too many things for people I don’t know, it does keep me busy and I know she’d do anything she could for me.

Virginia sounds like she’s turned into a real bitch and I wonder if she’s worse than Hope. I don’t know if she’s a beggar or if she gets her own commissary, but she’s said some hurtful things to Mary, like how Todd’s happy and getting on with his life, as well as other things pertaining to Mary’s loved ones. This is the girl Mary had described as easy-going. A lot of people seem to start off cool till you get closer to them. Then when you have to live with them 23/7 in a closet, that only makes it worse.

She’s in for murder, but Mary didn’t elaborate on it. I assume she killed either her boyfriend, husband or kid. That’s how it usually works; people kill those closest to them. I asked her about it anyway.

I was stunned when I read they let the whole pod out for 6 hours! Wow, the DO that did that must’ve gotten chewed out big time by the sergeant!

I was a little worried when she asked what my New Year’s resolution was. Doesn’t she know? I’ve mentioned it before, so I hope to hell she’s getting all my mail. Nonetheless, I told her I plan to lose 20-30 pounds.

Another thing that made me wonder about mail getting to her was her asking how old Little Buddy was when he died. But I said so in my excerpts.

I was surprised to hear her New Year’s res is to be more positive. But she is positive. Maybe too positive! I don’t think I could ever have the faith she does.

She says some power-hungry DO did a search at 2:30 in the morning. The poor girl! And it took 20 minutes to do it, too. Damn! I don’t remember ever getting tossed at that hour. Then Virginia had to go and say a rather asinine thing – that Mary’s sensitive and I was like, well, who wouldn’t be over such an ordeal?!

I’m not sure if her praying for me is such a good idea. Perhaps it can’t hurt, but what if it can? If my theories about God are right, then it might just piss him off all the more at the mere mention of my name! Either way, I know she means well and I love her for it. I told her that speaking from personal experience, I don’t believe in prayer and don’t think it’ll help her or change things in her case, but if she does – go for it. I also told her that with or without God she’ll survive because she’s a very strong person.

I also reminded her that she’s not burdening me with her hardships and to never think she is. Look at all the bitching I do in my journals! Also, I know what she means about feeling protective of loved ones, even if they can take care of themselves.

I wonder if Mary’s going to type as she writes. Meaning, she has improved her punctuation somewhat which has helped me tremendously, but questions need question marks, and if she wants to try making it as a writer, this will be important. If I had to give her my feedback, I’d say her punctuation needs the most work, her spelling and grammar are mediocre, and her vocabulary and writing style’s excellent. She really is a very talented writer. She has mega potential there. No doubt about it.

With me, my writing style needs work, my grammar and vocabulary are fair, and my punctuation and spelling are excellent.

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 19, 2002
So far, the Flovent’s been working as well as they brag it does, and I’ve needed less and less of the Albuterol.

That dreaded day has come for Tom to go under the house. If I believed in prayer, I’d have been praying my ass off. He managed not to get stung by scorpions or bit by black widows, but he says there are tons of black widows and he even showed me some black widow nests. He’s spraying like hell right now.

Fortunately, the jacks are pretty tight and we’ll probably never have to tighten them as long as we live here. If we were here 15-20 years from now, then maybe.

He ran across a hole big enough for a rabbit. However, there are no openings large enough for a rabbit to get under the house in the first place, so judging by that, and the fact that there were numerous snake tracks, he thinks it’s possible that there is a den down there. Prairie dogs wouldn’t make such huge holes. He said he saw baby snake tracks, and from what we learned, snakes always hibernate where they’re born. Diamond sure was a fat one, so she might’ve been carrying a load that she dumped under the house, and it’d be dangerous for him to crawl over that hole. They’d only be half a foot underground and his weight would collapse the hole, causing him to be right on top of them if they’re down there, and we both agree that it’s very likely that there is a den of snakes under there. We’ll find out for sure come summertime by how much activity there is. Maybe it’s not a whole family of snakes. Maybe it’s just one, but it’s so extremely likely that there is something down there. It’s about under my office, so I’m sitting on top of however many snakes there are right now as I type this! Most houses out here probably have snakes hibernating under them, but this is especially a good house since it’s so big and with the high rodent activity, thanks to my feeding them. Diamond wouldn’t be there, though, cuz snakes hibernate where they were born and this snake was obviously born before the house was here, judging by the growth of its rattle. It could be her young, a king snake or something else, but the hole’s awfully big for rodents and there is no way rabbits could get in and out of there.

When he checked the vents for damage, he crawled out saying he couldn’t find any.

“That’s what I told you my vibes have been saying for a while now,” I told him.

“Then why am I crawling under the house like this?”

“Because I have an 80% accuracy rate, not 100%.”

Anyway, we’re pretty sure that the entry/exit point is by the bathroom vent. They apparently got through the ductwork by where the AC unit joins the house by the small bath. He’s going to seal up the gap with aluminum tape from the inside.

Mei Li left Sylmar at 8:13 last night and arrived in Phoenix at 4:58 this morning. I don’t mind if she gets delivered while we’re out as long as the driver leaves her here, but if they don’t, I’m going to be really pissed, cuz then the freeloaders will even get to say when I get my dolls!

There’s been no more mail pertaining to Chris, so hopefully she’ll be made up by the end of this week and shipped the next. If she were shipped on Monday, we should get her on Thursday or Friday.

I was watching a show on how most cops will do literally anything to trick, bribe, manipulate, and threaten people into confessions, be it true or false. Pigs never cease to sicken and enrage me. They just better not tangle with me again, cuz if they do they’re going to be in for a hell of a surprise what with all I’ve learned about the law and my rights, so it won’t work. Whatever they could possibly have in mind for me, it won’t work. Anyway, obtaining confessions becomes an obsession for most of them. They’d rather an innocent person confess than get no confession at all. In their minds, it’s better that an innocent person gets convicted and goes to jail, than for nobody to be convicted and jailed. It’s absolutely sickening.

Later…

Anthony is the little boy’s name next door. Yeah, we received his dental appointment card on our land where the vehicles are parked, closest to their land. It was obviously a child’s dentist by the way the card was designed. Also, there’s no other place it could’ve come from but next door, and I know a lot of the papers, cans, and other trash are coming from them. They may work and they may not blast music that I know of, but they’re still your typical filthy Mexicans who couldn’t care less about those around them. Their letting their dogs roam around on other people’s property is enough to tell me that. Anyone that can do that is obviously a very self-centered person. But that’s how most people are here; your land is theirs, their music is yours.

I know they burn their trash so why is it that so much of it ends up over here? What do they do, run out of patience burning and say to hell with whatever’s left?

Hopefully, the fences will help keep some of the heavier shit from blowing over here. They have barbed-wire fences, half of which is fallen apart, so things can easily get across, including their dogs. I swear it looks like a car drove through most of their fencing which serves no purpose other than to mark the perimeters of their property.

Anyway, I was outside with a magnet picking up nuts and bolts that Tom dropped, along with the freeloader’s mess.

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 18, 2002
Well, Scot, are you gonna give me my chance to ignore your knocking or not? Nah, you’re waiting till that first week in January in which Tom will no doubt be home, aren’t you?

But whether or not I ignored him with or without Tom at home, he’d no doubt come right back within a week or two cuz it’s been so long since he was in the house.

I was tidying up freeloader-related papers when I came across one that stated the basic rules for both standard and intensive probation, and oh my God! I’d run for damn sure if I was on one month of intense probation as fast as I’d run if I’d gotten any more regular probation time than I got. How can they even keep people on intense probation? You’d think most of them would run like hell! Anyway, you basically can’t leave your house except to go to work or to report. You also have to play phone and face to face visits with them day and night, 365 days a year. With the stress of regular probation being bad enough, I can’t imagine going through that shit! Even if I knew for sure there’d be no more tests, and even if his office was just two minutes from the house, I still have to worry something is going to come up every time I go to see him.

Mei Li left southern San Francisco at 4 AM this morning. Good, she’s not coming from the other side of the country to make the trip longer. I hope Chris’s tracking link will get mailed to us today.

I put the frogs back in the main fish tank so I wouldn’t have to clean the bowl they were in every day.

Mary’s love poems were so well written. I can agree with and relate to a lot of what she had to say about love. I had to laugh, though, when she talked of trembling with fear at the face of God as I most certainly would, but for an entirely different reason which is, of course, cuz I see God as a vengeful God. I think a lot of Jewish people do. Different religions have different ideas as far as what God is all about. Some see certain people as being Gods. In my belief, I don’t believe God and the devil are two separate beings. I believe God is the devil and the devil is God. I believe they’re one big entity. Do I believe in guardian angels? Hmmm…I don’t know about that one. I don’t know if I believe in things like reincarnation, heaven and hell. I know I don’t believe in prayer, but with most things, I’m not sure what to believe. I used to believe that after death our spirits roamed the earth or maybe even the whole universe, but now I don’t know. Maybe we just blink out and that’s it when we die. That one’s a little hard to believe, but it might be a good thing if we did just in case hell really does exist!

At the same time, I believe God can hate, like or love certain individuals, I also believe he has varying feelings pertaining to various groups in general. To me, it’s rather obvious he hates Jews, for example. He had 6 million of us killed after all, but I think he hates gays even more. I mean, look how society treats them compared to Jews. I believe he favors white non-Jewish people, and nowadays, blacks and Hispanics as well. If you asked me what I thought he thought of blacks a century ago, then I’d say he obviously had a beef against them in order to allow them to be made slaves.

Anyway, she said she was glad I was getting along better with Mary (who I’ll walk away from for good if she’s ever rude to me again), said Little Buddy and I are in her prayers (Gee, Mary, that’ll do a lot of good!), and told me that Clarence, this guy Todd knew, has been coming on to her in his letters.

Later…

Chris is going to be a blond after all. He got an email saying they were out of carrot-colored wigs in the style I wanted, so unless I wanted a different style wig, I could choose from light brown, dark brown or blond, and I chose the blond. So this doll may not get shipped till next week and I believe she’s coming from Tennessee.

The renters have been like they were last winter; outside constantly.

Later…

It’s freezing out there now! Especially with the wind blowing. He’s out there working on the trucks now. Tomorrow’s the day we’re going to weather-strip the front door and go under the house.

The package arrived in Sylmar, CA at 1:45, presumably their time.

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 17, 2002
I knew it. I just knew it. The feeling that they were bullshitting me about Tasha kept nagging at me, so I called PG. This time around I got someone with an American accent. After explaining how we’ve been getting jerked around and told one story after another as far as Tasha goes, she told me she’d call me back after she spoke to someone about it. At first I wasn’t sure that she would call back, but she did, saying what I always figured, that after the time we were supposed to receive it two months ago, the doll was no longer available.

I was like, thanks for telling us! All she could say to that was that she was sorry. I told her I wanted a refund which she says she’ll request, but I know we’ll never see the money any more than we’ll ever see the doll, which was what I told Tom up front. And who the fuck’s returning half our packages at the PO?! They said that just like with Amelia, it was returned. Before, though, the story was that it was sent to Mirana. Was the first hand-held sewing machine returned, too?

They totally deserve to get ripped off! But they’re just so damn stupid and I’m so damn cursed when it comes to dolls, that I know none of them will make it here, and I have my doubts about the two we ordered last night making it here as easily as the Playboys did too, and they’re also coming via UPS.

See, God may not be a fair God, but he’s a compensating one. I know this Tasha shit’s cuz of my getting away with an extra discount. Just like the form fuck-up’s cuz of the killer truck deal.

Anyway, the dolls we ordered last night are Mei Li and Chris. Chris came to $87 and Mei Li came to $57. After realizing that I have 11 blondes and just 2 redheads, I decided to have Chris made up as a blue-eyed redhead. I’m also getting her assembled since all they wanted for assembly was $10.

I’m not getting the Emme doll, the full-figured one, cuz she wasn’t as cheap as I thought she was and to me, she wasn’t worth paying around $100 for.

I might not be getting Dalene, the Playboy doll, either as the manufacturers seem to be having a problem putting it out. She was supposed to be out in November, but now they’re saying December, and December’s more than halfway through.

Later…

Tom had me scared there for a minute. He came and told me he got an email saying our “winged monkey” was on its way, and I’m thinking, that fucking doll curse! But then he told me that they turned around and emailed him right back saying, “You must think we’re crazy, but your Mei Li doll has been shipped today.”

He hasn’t yet received tracking links, and if he ever will, who knows? Meanwhile, both dolls should arrive by early next week, but I won’t count on it.

There are still dolls I’d like to get from Ashton next year, but I’m a little hesitant cuz they don’t use UPS, which of course, means it’s hit or miss. Ashton’s reliable, but the PO is not. There have been problems with 95% of our packages with both PO boxes.

We were discussing whether or not it’s up to Scot as far as how often his “clients” report. Tom says it’s not up to him at all, but I disagree. He says different counties have different rules and while that may be true and POs may not have the power/control a lot of people think they have, they can all still bend the reporting rules a bit, I’d think.

But it doesn’t matter cuz it all comes down to what God wants for me and he’s not about to allow me any breaks on account of his precious little ebonies, I assure you.

Next year, though, I swear things are going to change. I’m going to have a whole new body, a whole new career, a whole new life! Only the good things will remain. I don’t expect to have a perfect life, but no one will ever hurt me like this again. Ever! I can’t stop God from pitting others against me, but I can make sure I never suffer as much again. They’ll never “get me,” so to speak. I will only react in one of two ways from now on and that’s to either stand and fight or to leave. I will not be used, abused, tricked, bribed, threatened or manipulated to such degrees by anyone of any kind ever again!

I don’t expect God to allow me the power to grow money trees, to look like I did a decade ago without effort. However, I am going to do something I want with my life, and I am going to be a dollmaker. I deserve to do something I want to do with my life just as much as the next person. Maybe even more what with how I was denied past dreams becoming a reality.

I don’t expect Tom to suddenly turn me on the way Teddy Bear or other women have and for us to have this fabulous sex life, but I do expect not to be society’s whipping boy. I will not tolerate any more abuse come next October 30th! I respect myself and others are to do so as well or they are not welcome to be a part of my life in any way shape or form. I shall be treated with acceptance and respect or they won’t be treating me at all. If they don’t like me, they’re welcome not to have anything to do with me and I will make sure that they don’t. They will not touch, affect or harm me like they have in the past. They will not force themselves upon me and my home life and expect me to just sit back and take it while they legally fuck me over, steal my freedom and take us for thousands, thus continuing to force themselves to be an everyday part of my life if only in a whole new way. I will not be abused by neighbors in my own home, and I will not be abused through our warped, prejudicial system!

Got mail from Mary today. There was a letter to me, a brief letter for Michelle, who still hasn’t picked up the letter I sent on the 7th, and then the letters to the imaginary lover. She begged me to keep typing them for her, saying they make her happy, and I was like, yeah, yeah, as long as you don’t get carried away. We all have to have our quirks, I guess!

Later…

Just got the tracking link from UPS for Mei Li, but there’s been no activity yet. I can’t even say where she’s coming from, just that they say she’s set for delivery on Friday. Hopefully, she won’t arrive while we’re out dealing with the freeloaders cuz I don’t know if they’d leave the doll by the door or not.

MONDAY, DECEMBER 16, 2002
Today was a rather fun day. I was up by 9:30, in the shower an hour later and out the door right before noon. We stopped at Circle K, then headed to the doctor’s office in Sun Lakes.

On our way there I was surprised to see a CVS convenience store. I thought those chains were only in the northeast.

Because I was the doctor’s first patient after lunch, I had very little waiting time to do. I was weighed at a mind-boggling 136 pounds (this scale says 132)! The nurse said I didn’t look fat and the doctor reminded me that although I could afford to lose weight (he doesn’t recommend going lower than 110-115), I look healthy and the weight is mostly due to muscle. Even I, who knows I’m no skinny mini, don’t think I look nearly that much. Tom doesn’t think I look more than 120. I am one rock-hard lady underneath all this fat and I know I’m going to look much better once I shed the fat and better expose the muscle. By April this should happen. I’m confident that I’ll lose weight. I’ve done it before and I feel I’m ready now. It wouldn’t kill me to stay as I am, but I’m sure I’ll look and feel better once I strip down to the muscle. With the extra fat, my clothes don’t fit as well and bending over is a bit harder. Even so, I’m still in excellent shape. I have good stamina, balance and flexibility and can move in quick, fluid movements.

We should have the bike between Christmas and New Year’s.

The doctor recommended the Zone diet, saying it was a low-carb, high-protein diet and safer than Atkin’s diet, but I’d prefer to keep things simple and just have one meal and one snack come diet time.

The doctor gave me water pills for before my periods and a Flovent inhaler on top of the Albuterol. He said that the Flovent should be the preventive inhaler I take daily, and the Albuterol should be the rescue inhaler, cuz if I take Albuterol daily, it won’t work on tight days. This is true, too. It doesn’t work when it gets bad.

He also told me I’d receive my referral in about a week for the ear doctor. He said all the ear, nose and throat doctors were bad as far as waiting time goes, and to try to schedule appointments either first thing in the morning or right after lunch.

I told the doctor he could put a hold on giving me more nasal sprays since I’m using them so little and still have 4 or 5 of them left. Most of them don’t expire till ‘04 and even as late as ‘05.

Once leaving the doctor’s office, we went to CVS where I got pink glitter lip gloss and a silver glitter stick which makes for awesome eyeshadow, unlike that other shit I recently got. The store only had two puzzles and two Barbies, but they had a lot of cosmetics.

The best thing I got was a $25 electric ladies’ razor. It has a pop-up bikini trimmer, too. It seems to do well, but I recently shaved so it’s hard to tell. Once I get some hair growth going, we’ll see.

Got a little plastic matchbox car for the rats to play with. Hopefully, they’ll have fun chasing it and not see it as a chew toy.

Tom got an electronic Yahtzee game.

Tom was telling me that this butch that works for him came to work with a T-shirt saying: All My Barbies Are Lesbians. I was laughing my ass off at this! That’s a good one. A damn good one.

When we returned, he worked on the trucks and got one of them running.

We also decided which dolls to get and when. There are basically going to be 3 doll orders. One tonight, one after Christmas, and one with January’s stock. This time around I’m getting the Chris kit, plus and an undetermined amount of fashion dolls. The second order will also consist of an undermined amount of fashion dolls. Shipping costs are what’s going to determine how many I get at a time. There are actually only 4 that I really like, 3 if PG had sent me Tasha.

The Ashton-Drake dolls will be the third order.

Tom was going to put that wreath up over the shelf that runs across the top of the refrigerator, but when I thought about how the peak was 9’ high and how I could easily reach the spot I wanted to being on the 3’ countertop, I put it up myself.

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 15, 2002
The job at Mary’s is going well, though it hasn’t been easy. He left just after 9:30 and should be back in the early evening.

I spoke to Mary last night who commented on the latest sewing pictures I sent and said I was doing well with it, though I know I still have a lot to learn. She also asked if I’d be coming by today, saying I was welcome to do so, but I told her I wasn’t sure.

For some strange reason, Michelle hasn’t retrieved my letter to her from Mary, and Mary’s only retrieved my sewing pictures and an e-card I sent of the betta and frogs (I have all 4 frogs in with one betta now). She hasn’t gotten my “piece of mind,” so to speak, nor the rat pictures I sent shortly after we got Oreo.

She sounded like the Mary I knew before the casino – friendly, polite, etc. You’d never know she could be so moody and intolerable.

Today, though, we decided that because of the paint fumes, I shouldn’t go over there. Truthfully, I didn’t want to go either. I just saw these people and don’t like going out much.

Tom brought back with him a decorative wreath Mom made at the center. Since I’m so short, Tom’s going to put it up over the refrigerator for me where it’ll probably remain as long as we live here.

He also brought home a little plastic yellow rose and a cluster of maroon and white flowers.

Lastly, he brought home some Barbie clothes Moma made years ago. Naturally, the fabric’s pitiful. It’s so 60s and 70s! Perhaps, though, I can learn from her work. She really knows her stuff.

He’s now on his last vacation of the year and I hope the job at Mary’s will be finished today because we have our own house that needs work.

God does have some good in him after all cuz most of Lady’s rats were stillborn. The Carpet rats were alive, but I figured Tom didn’t need to know this and that he’d feel better knowing they were all stillborn. All of Little Ratsy’s were, then she herself died later on. I know Tom liked her (cuz I didn’t) so I kind of feel bad for him. She had 9 stillborns and the other one had 6. One of them did appear to be on its way out.

Meanwhile, I moved the surviving bitch into the living room cuz it’s such a spacious room.

Paula left a message saying obviously she’s still free, but she has to return to court on January 23rd, and there are a few things she does need to talk to me about. As always, she named a call-back time but never did call.

What could she possibly have to talk to me about? Knowing her it could be something as off the wall as flying Justin out here to stay with us while she’s locked up, which of course, will never happen.

She probably just wants me to look for some guy online. I’m sure that’s all it is. Some PR junkie she wants to hook back up with. That’s what she always wants to talk to me about – guys.

I’m now pretty sure that the obnoxious barking I hear on and off is next door’s little mutt. The smaller one. When I first chased it off and onto its property, I couldn’t hear it once I shut the door. So, the fact that I can sometimes hear it, tells me it’s coming onto our land to bark.

Incredible. Totally incredible that that could happen out here. Goes to show we’re not that isolated.

Anyway, I didn’t want the assholes to see me chasing it off for two reasons. First, that’s they’re right as far as they’re concerned. Their animals have a right to trespass on our land all they want, and in their minds, they’re not doing anything wrong. To complain or show any signs of protest would be seen as rude, selfish, inconsiderate, and downright mean and evil!

Secondly, these are Mexican welfare bums, and that’s all the ammunition they’d need right there against a convicted white Jew in the great state of Arizona.

The rats are so cute, funny and full of spunk. Little Fella’s still the one who ventures out the most and the furthest and who likes to be handled more.

If Scot doesn’t show up before New Year’s, that’ll make 20 weeks since he was here which was last August 8th. I’d still bet on his coming around between the 2nd and the 7th.

Why doesn’t my heart race with stress and anxiety when I think of my upcoming humiliating piss test? I know it’s going to happen. I guess my mind just accepts it is all like I said before.

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 14, 2002
Got a total of 1,065 views and 5 downloads. One of me and 4 dolls.

Tom’s at our other house now, slaving away. At least he’ll get good money. I don’t know if I’ll go visit tomorrow cuz I just saw his ma and I still don’t think I want to see that much of Mary. Dave’s cool, but Mary gets too moody for me.

Still no form, but he managed to get through to them. They’re sending another.

Always a problem when it comes to money!

The mug came and although it looks nice, I’d have preferred it if they’d put the picture at the side by the handle. Instead, they centered it. I decided to use it as a pen-holder for now. That way I can see it all the time. I may get more mugs and even mouse pads and posters from them in the future. If in 5-6 months from now, it doesn’t look like I’ll be doing dolls, I’ll want to put posters where I was going to put shelves.

Oreo now comes out on his own. They’re both pretty playful. Especially Little Fella. It’s so cute how he comes running towards the kitchen when he hears me go into the fridge, then he follows me back to his house where I put their lettuce or cheese.

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 13, 2002
Just ran a couple of dogs off just as they were about to go fucking with the pipes. About 4 more months of this shit! I can’t wait until the fences go up. Hopefully, it’ll also cut down on our local slob’s soda and beer cans that blow onto our land, too. Things like plastic bags are different cuz they can fly up in the wind like kites. There are more can-throwers around here, though, than bag-tossers.

He says the fences should go up pretty fast cuz he’s decided to rent an auger. This is what’ll dig the post’s holes. I still don’t think it’s going to be all that fast. I mean, this is a 10-acre lot after all. Plus, with the freeloaders still ruling our lives, God’s not going to see that that’s done in a hurry, though I’d think that by March or April, Scot would pretty much be done with the home visits anyway. He should be.

Still no fucking form. He said that when he went to call them from work, a recording came on saying that due to the severity of the weather, no one was at work. Guess they must be having major snowstorms in the east, which is where they are. Over a decade later and that shit weather’s still affecting my life!

There was, however, a package at the PO. Tom was too tired to wait till the desk opened, so he’s going to swing by on his way to work. We know it can only be one thing and that’s the mug. At least we got it! That was pretty fast, too.

It’s the Humane Society that I think might’ve ripped us off. It’s been about 7 weeks and still no cards, address labels or anything.

Nothing from Mary, but we did get a Christmas card from Mom, Mary and Dave. I’ll be sending them theirs today.

With barely a few weeks to go before the diet, I’ll be cooking up a storm today. Gonna make homemade whipped mashed potatoes, chicken wings and beef ribs, while I snack on cheesecake bites and my favorite snack which I have every day – popcorn.

If I only didn’t have that upcoming piss test! Things would be so much easier on me, but until that’s out of the way, I can’t relax nearly as much, though, it’s going to take a year without incident after 10/30 for me to really relax. I’m still not as stressed out as I thought I’d be over the idea of the test. All I can say about that is what I said before and that’s that it must be because my mind’s resigned itself to the inevitable. I promise myself and the whole world for that matter that it’ll be only one more time. Just one more time. They can throw me in jail, but they can’t yank down my pants and order me to piss in front of them more than one more time. He’s had plenty of opportunities to test me in Maricopa too, yet I know he figures, why bother, when he can just have it observed in a few more months from when he first informed us of his leaving Maricopa.

Aside from the test, I know I couldn’t possibly have 10 whole months of smooth sailing. There’s going to be something else they’re going to want us to do or some new change between January and October. Things never stay the same on probation. Something’s always coming up, and when they don’t, you worry that they will. True that the closer I get to the end, the less I worry about the classes coming up, but it’s still hanging over my head nonetheless. The possibility’s still out there.

In my mind, I’m considering myself to have 10 months left of probation as of Sunday, since my last report date will be on Mary’s 26th birthday, 10/15.

It’s just like God to hook me up with a PO who won’t give me a break on the bi-monthly reports, too. Like I said, he really wanted to get me good with these people with no breaks or shortcuts whatsoever. I’m at least grateful that he didn’t send me someone hell-bent on setting me up. I mean, it’s not much, but it’s something. God really could’ve seen me fucked over much more so than I already have been, and as anyone knows, it’s been plenty bad enough!

My vibes are looking good, but I swear, if in 6 months to a year from October 30th, a pig shows up at this door saying the issue was never resolved, I will file suit and I will publish a book with the truth, smearing those involved. The press used me and I can use them too, if need be. Tom was worried about any publications bringing attention to ourselves, but if that’s what we need to do in the end, so be it. People do it all the time. Meaning that journalists draw attention to themselves all the time going around writing up on all kinds of people. If they can do it so can I. I only hope I won’t have to. I’d prefer to be doing better things like making dolls.

Now I’m beginning to wonder if there are going to be any mistakes of God’s to have to clean up. If the bitches really did get pregnant, I think they should’ve had the babies by now, but we’ll see. Maybe they’re just going to be a little late. I swear they do look awfully fat. One of them was always fat, but the other ballooned out shortly after her date with the Fella, so going by that and the way Fella jumped their bones, I assumed they were pregnant for sure.

Later…

That’s twice I had to chase dogs off. I just noticed a couple of big dogs looking longingly at the pipes before I scared them away. Why are Maricopa’s strays so fascinated with our pipes? There are a million other things in this town to play with!

I still miss my Little Buddy who should be in here with me and not in the cold dark ground. That really sucks that he had to die 4 hours before reporting. Couldn’t God have taken him on one of the days that the freeloaders weren’t a part of my life? Instead, he had to die with them in the picture. But most events in my life are with them in the picture anyway. The bulk of my life just has to revolve around them.

I decided to put two of the frogs with the dark blue betta, and the other two with the turquoise betta. The next two we get will go in with the purplish one, and then I’ll fill the tank with them little by little.

Tom, who will be at Mary’s both Saturday and Sunday, will bring us back more guppies. Hopefully, they’ll survive this time around, even if they don’t breed. He’s going to be tearing out an old shower surround and installing a new one.

Tomorrow he has to go to the guy’s house who sold us the trucks to get the title for the one that this guy used to own.

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 12, 2002
Did some rearranging around here. I moved the entertainment center out of my office and into the retreat and set my MP3 station up on it. Got a few dolls and other odds and ends on it, too.

My office is now rather empty till I get shelves and more dolls to sit on them. It’ll be a while yet before I have that many more dolls that I need shelves. Against the wall where the entertainment center was, I put the two big old speakers that were used to prop up the smaller ones that I use regularly. I put a big doll on each one.

I also set up a table in the retreat for sewing, which I did last night, making Tyler a midriff and skirt. I used an old hot pink spandex and black lace bodysuit to make it with. It came out so-so. I was surprised by how sloppy the sewing machine’s stitching was. Maybe that’s why the thing was so cheap.

I’m just about off the freeloader’s clock now, and now my life belongs to me till 10 AM on Monday!

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 11, 2002
Judging by all the thick black smoke, I’d say it looks like there’s quite a fire way off towards the north. I took a picture of it to show Tom when he gets up.

I asked myself when I’m finally going to get a female exam since it’s been since late ’99. I decided to wait till this wave of appointments is over at the end of next year, then before finding out what the next slew of appointments will entail, I’ll get an exam, and of course, they’ll want to do a mammogram since I’m over 35. I’ll probably get checked out every 2-3 years rather than yearly for two reasons. One, I trust my woman’s intuition, and two, no one in my family has had female problems. Nana Bella did have breast cancer, but other than that, no one’s had hysterectomies, cysts, tumors or other cancerous problems that I know of.

My jailhouse girlfriend just may get her dolls after all. At least half of them. I decided that they were dumb enough to be called without knowing who I really was, so I called them. Email is hopeless anyway. Naturally, they were all out of stock except for one, Blossom. She’s supposedly on her way. Friday, Rainbow’s Jewels will be in, so they say. However, there’s no known date as to when the Indian doll will be in, and Rainbow won’t be in till February, so I know there’s no way I could get those last two cuz by then they’ll have caught on and know they’ve been had. Although I’m still doubtful that any of them will make it here, if I had to pick two of the four dolls to get here, those would be the two I’d pick.

Later…

The fire is gone.

I just took some old ugly material and used the new little sewing machine, which I figured out how to operate by myself, to make a new soft bed for the rats. They seem to prefer that over the tubes. I simply sewed the corners together, then cut a couple of strips to tie it to the shelf it’s on. It’s a bright ugly, yellow-orange piece of knit fabric.

Tom and I both agree that Scot doesn’t care for his clients. Meaning that he doesn’t care why they’re on probation or about the circumstances that led up to it, etc. Since we both know that much, then why did he recommend, as hopeless as he knew it’d be, that I be let go? To lighten his caseload? But that makes no sense cuz the second he loses someone is the second they’re replaced with someone else. Was it an excuse to rub her “victimhood” in my face which he seems to get off on? That’s okay, cheeks. Labels are just labels. We were there and we know the truth.

Still, I can’t help but wonder what his true motivation was. It couldn’t have been simply because he felt it’d be the right thing to do, since once again, he doesn’t care. He just does his job, right, wrong, fair or unfair.

Webshots still hasn’t taken the money for the mug. I just hope we don’t get ripped off by them or by whomever we order dolls from. That’ll be decided next Monday; what dolls we’ll get for the first wave of dolls. The second wave will probably be within the first few months of next year.

Whether or not I’m going to get punished for it, since I seem to get punished just for breathing, I hope Blossom and Rainbow’s Jewels! With my shit luck, though, they’ll address Blossom to that address to some other town, and the other one to some other state. One will go to Mirana, Arizona, and one will go to Maricopa, Alabama!

Later…

Tom’s up now and working on the trucks. I was doing some housecleaning and now I’m making us both something to eat.

He says they took the money for the mug last night and also remembered that they didn’t mail us the form before. They sent it to him at work. Whether or not it’s there, I don’t have any vibes either way. Whenever we do get it, I just hope they don’t fuck up a second time. I’m so sick of us having to be put out by other people’s mistakes. Meanwhile, when we make mistakes, the only ones it may put out are us.

There have been a lot fewer spiders lately. I’m wondering if perhaps my caulking the area around the kitchen window may have something to do with it. I’m just glad either way!

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 10, 2002
Down to having 10 months and 20 days to go with the freeloaders being very much a part of our lives. I try to tell myself, all you have to do is report 21 more times and let Tom take care of the payments. But it’s not that easy. Aside from the inevitable humiliation I’m in for some time during the first few months of the year, I have the stress of always having to gear my schedule towards being up and available come report days, so it’s not like my life belongs to me on non-report days. I have to work at being available and I have the stress of possibly being woken up when on nights. That part of it is dwindling a bit, though, so long as he doesn’t start coming around a lot at the start of the year. It’s just that that’s when people are most likely to run and a lot of the Maricopa residents are going to be unhappy about going to Casa Grande, so that’s an added incentive right there. It’s his female clients he’d be more worried about. His male clients have to pee in front of someone no matter what town they report in since Scot’s a guy, so I’d expect him here at the house between the 2nd and the 7th of January (I’ll be seeing him on the 8th) if he doesn’t stop in this month. Even if he did stop in this month, he still may come around between then anyway.

I just wish I knew exactly when the test was going to be! That way I wouldn’t have to stress over filling my bladder to the max 4 times unnecessarily if my test was going to be the first week of March. I think it’ll be in January, though. I kind of hope so only cuz I want to get it over with, but as I said before, I won’t hesitate to let him know that that’s the final time I’ll be subjected to such degradation. This state simply isn’t going to get its way with both the classes and with more than one more test. I’ll put my foot down with that so fast and so hard if I have to just like I did with the job issue. They’re lucky they didn’t push me with that or else they’d have lost me for sure. At this point, though, they would have to make demands like that to never see me again, though I’m not so worried about the state anymore. It’s the freeloaders and their pig pal I’m a little wary of, but I doubt I’ll have to worry about them. I know I should be a little pessimistic after all the years of abuse we’ve had to endure on account of them, but my vibes tell me I just might be okay after all. We really might be looking at the end of the freeloader’s reign of shit come October of next year. If not, I’m armed with something I wasn’t armed with before and that’s knowledge. I know now not to answer the door to the pigs, and I know now not to talk to them if they should either kick the door down or snatch me outside somewhere. I know now not to touch anything they try to hand me and I know not to go to court. Especially with a public pretender at my side!

I’m going to be on days till the 20th.

We got the trucks and next comes the bike, fences, kiln, and other little odds and ends. I’ll be making a preliminary doll order next week, so to speak, but don’t yet know which dolls I’ll get.

After having more time to inspect and work on the trucks, he says we got a killer deal. That’s great but worrisome. I mean, killer deals usually mean brutal compensation! As it is, we’re having a hell of a time getting the pension money thanks to other people’s incompetence, but like I told Tom, whenever it comes to money, there’ll always be a problem. Especially when it’s extra money.

Yesterday, we went to the PO in case the form was there with plans to head over to Casa Grande if it was, but my vibes told me it wasn’t there. Nor will it be there today, but it probably will be come Wednesday or Thursday.

“What is there then?” Tom asked as we were heading over.

Two envelopes from Mary and a catalog, I told him, and was right about the catalog. Meanwhile, there was nothing from Mary, a prime example of how I have a lower accuracy rate on the more positive things.

As we passed the casino I had a vibe about winning, so we stopped there. I warned Tom, though, that because it was a positive vibe, not to hold his breath. Well, we didn’t win, but I sure did make the $10 I played with last for quite a while on the slot machines, while he lost on poker right away. So, I was kind of right on both the gambling and the mail vibes.

I’m just glad I was wrong about the stocks selling this year, though I almost wasn’t. We certainly didn’t get much from them. That’s why we borrowed from the pension plan. If worse came to worse with January’s stocks, we’ll still be able to get the fences cuz we’ll just use our tax return. This year the government owes us!

Now here’s my surprising news. One of the frogs is living with one of the bettas! I checked up on them online cuz I was curious to see if they could live in bowls without pumps/filters, and not only found that they could, but that they can live with bettas! I was shocked, knowing how aggressive bettas can be, which is why they’re sold separately. I’m not going to frog out all 3 bettas, but I might add a couple more in this bowl, then more in the aquarium.

In rat news, they’re strange yet fun little guys. They’re strange in that neither of them uses the tubes or the wheel.

Little Fella’s turned out to be a lot of fun. He’s really becoming quite a people rat. The other one’s friendly and brave, but is a carbon copy of Sneezy. He not only sneezes a lot, but he won’t come out of the cage. He too, only goes so far as to put his front paws outside the cage and then backs up into the cage, as if he’s afraid to trust that the floor will hold him or something.

Although he is missed, having these rats has helped me get over the loss of Little Buddy faster.

PG must’ve somehow caught onto my plans to rip them off, cuz not only did they not send an order confirmation to my excite address, they’re ignoring my email inquiring about the status of the order, but then again, they ignore everybody. If you really want to talk to them, you’re better off calling them. Nonetheless, I’ve written off the freebies along with Tasha. Perhaps it’s all for the better, though, as I said before. I’d only have been punished for it for 5-7 years.

Later…

We left after noon and our first stop was at the PO. I was right. No form. But something was there for DC (delivery confirmation) yet we couldn’t get it cuz they were out to lunch. We were pretty sure it was the hand-held sewing machine, and instead of waiting for them to return from lunch, we headed for Casa Grande to grab a few groceries before heading home.

Tom left early for work before the PO was to close, so he could get the package. He said he’ll email me from work to let me know for sure what it is, but it might not be till 7:00 when he does so.

On our way out, we saw horses and a donkey on the property across from next door. Tom said at around sunrise he could hear the donkey and said that it was obnoxious, but I have yet to hear it. Not in the house anyway. All I hear in the house is a low-pitched bark from the place two lots diagonally in front of us, and that higher-pitched bark that I think is coming from the renter. That one can be sort of annoying.

Other than that, the weekend was quiet. No music, no ATVs. I could hear the faint beat of music late in the afternoon yesterday, but only outside.

MONDAY, DECEMBER 9, 2002
Things are running pretty smoothly with the trucks. In fact, a little better than Tom expected. The guy we bought them from towed the white ’79 over first. Its interior looked far worse than its exterior, though, as Tom said, we can spruce up the interior all we want. What matters most is which one’s more mechanically sound.

Just after 9:30, Mary and Dave showed up. Naturally, I didn’t get an apology from Mary, but she was cool and so was I. She still hasn’t gotten my email, but we’ve both gotten over it and have apparently moved on. I can’t control how she may react when she reads my email, but I’d think she’d understand where I’m coming from as I did her, and so be it.

After taking the tires off the white truck and putting them in Dave’s truck, the 3 of them climbed into Dave’s truck and headed out for the ugly ’77 pea-green one. Tom drove the car back while Mary and Dave towed the truck. With this one, it was the other way around. Its interior was in better condition than the exterior.

After Mary and Dave came in for a few minutes to see the dolls and animals, though Mary seemed reluctant to at first, they left and Tom inspected the trucks to get a general idea of what needed fixing. According to him, the green one’s not “junk.” He doesn’t think it’ll need much, though he could end up finding something seriously wrong with the engine. He hasn’t gotten that far yet. So far, though, it’s looking like we’ll take parts from the white one and end up using the green one. Once the white one’s stripped of all we want, we’ll give it to a junkyard for $100. As for the fate of the car, we don’t know yet. Obviously, we’ll want to keep it around as a backup for a while, then it too, may end up getting sold.

We hosed them down, both inside and out, since they were both caked with dust.

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 8, 2002
I played with both rats yesterday and they were so funny! That Little Fella is one hyped up, playful rat, while the other’s mellower and brave. Although Little Fella’s more energetic, he’s getting braver and bigger by the day. I opened the door to feed them earlier, and Oreo, as I’m now calling him, was sitting by the door. I patted his head before shutting the door and he never moved.

The fucking idiots at the bank fucked up with the loan. I knew there’d be a problem. Just when I thought God didn’t hate us that much. They’re saying that the date I wrote on the form’s different than the date the girl that notarized it wrote, but that’s bullshit. I know I put down the correct date. A supernatural force would’ve had to change it when no one was looking in order for it to be wrong, cuz we both know I wrote the right date. With all the incompetent people out there, maybe it’s the notary who had the wrong date.

Anyway, to update both Marys, starting with my Mary, she sent me a really nice bracelet she made. It fits perfectly, too. She made it with frayed blanket fringes that she dyed a pinkish color in Kool-Aid.

I had to tell her to lay off the graphics, though. It was getting to be a bit much for me on top of all the other things she wanted done. The purpose of this laser printer is to save money. I can’t be using that much color ink. It’s too expensive, and half the time the colors are screwed up.

When Tom found out about the trucks, he called and spoke to Mary to set up a time to tow them, and he said she asked why I hadn’t sent her any email. I was almost as shocked that she’d ask that as I was that she’d go off on me. I mean, was she really that clueless? Did she forget she snapped at me? Did she think I’d still be all lovey-dovey afterward?

Anyway, although Tom said he didn’t get into it and isn’t on either side, he did tell her I was upset with her. It wouldn’t surprise me, though, if he implied to Mary that he was on her side. I decided, nonetheless, to tell Mary in my own words why I got upset in a quick email. I made it quick and to the point, telling her that I’m me and she’s her. Period. I also told her I always loved her, Dave and Mom (well, excluding the time Mom used the hell out of Tom when Dad died) and have appreciated any help they’ve given us and that it was all done and over with as far as I was concerned. I didn’t tell her this part, but I guess I really am over it, even though I thought I’d stay angry for quite a while. No one’s perfect which I understand, but if anything else happens, I’ll most certainly walk away for good. I don’t play ‘kiss and make-up’ habitually. I was hoping she’d get the email before showing up here today, but I haven’t gotten a receipt for it. Nor have I gotten one from Michelle for the letter of Mary’s I typed up a few days ago. Not everyone checks their email every day, though.

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 7, 2002
I have been crying on and off since the loss of my sweet beloved Little Buddy. I know it’ll get easier with time. For now, though, I see him everywhere; in his cage, in the kitchen, on his video stack perch. I know I’ll cherish every memory I have of him from when he was alive. Everything from the way he’d wag his tail with joy, return my kisses, and run through the house, to the day I walked into the pet store and made that very lucky pick when I chose him and his brother out of the 4 rats that were there that day. Of all the rats I ever had, his loss is the greatest. There will never be another rat like Little Buddy, that’s for sure. But I can love others, if not quite as much. I just hope Little Buddy’s happy wherever he is, with lots of ice cream!

Tears blur the monitor as I write this. I am still so very, very sad. Again, I feel like I got cheated time-wise, yet two years is the average lifespan of rats which was about what he was. Even if he lived for 10 years, I’m sure I’d still feel cheated for time.

I had gotten up around midnight. He was alive but weak. I patted his nose real quick, then found him dead at 4:00. If only I’d picked him up just one more time!

I asked Tom if he thought it was a coincidence that he died just hours after I got up like he was trying to hang on to say goodbye, and he doesn’t think so. We both agree he waited for me.

We buried Little Buddy next to Ratsy, Scuttles and Houdini around 8:00, then took off to deal with the freeloaders.

As expected, Scot hasn’t heard a word from the courts. He said, “I know you don’t see the victim as a victim, but this has only been a felony for 5 years now, this stalking thing, and with a victim like this, they’re not going to just let it go.”

A “victim like this” really means “a victim who’s black,” of course, as I said to Tom afterward, and although he knows this is all about her being black and me being Jewish, he doesn’t think that’s what Scot meant when he said that. Either way, it’s about the sick bitch having the wrong friends and it’s about the courts feeling the need to kiss up to “minorities.” First they had no rights, now they have all the rights. What about equal rights? Is there such a thing anywhere on this earth?

Besides, nothing I did or was accused of doing was stalking. Stalking is when you follow someone.

“Yeah, but they consider monitoring one’s activities as stalking, even though I agree with you that it isn’t right.”

“But we couldn’t help but monitor their activities. The courts obviously need to live a few feet away from these animals and see for themselves how they won’t be able to help but notice their every move. They made their every move our business! They made damn sure we knew about it, and personally, I didn’t want to know. I wanted to ignore them, but they wouldn’t let us.”

Then Scot said that while cases like mine may not make the news, it’s considered high profile.

Not make the news?! Obviously, the dude doesn’t read the papers or watch TV. I’m surprised I didn’t make the international news or that a made-for-TV movie wasn’t made! Meanwhile, never do the Hopes of this world make even a tiny paragraph in the back of the paper, much less get mentioned on TV. On the other hand, would it matter if they did? All they’d do is just lie or hype things up.

Anyway, I’m not the least bit surprised. I knew that God, the courts - no one - would give a damn. I figured as much before I even left jail. Once I saw that they were going to leave me in jail for the whole 6 months, I knew they’d keep me on probation for the whole 2½ years as asinine as it is. I’m all for anti-stalking laws. I mean, I have no problem with it, it’s just that I think real stalkers should be charged with stalking and that the sentences should fit the crimes if there ever really was one committed in the first place.

Meanwhile, it’s possible Scot may stop by this month, but I’d say he’ll definitely be here during the first week of January if he doesn’t.

Someday. Someday I’ll get on with my life, then God can use someone else to torture me. I only hope they’ll be white this time around. Just what did I do to get on God’s bad side? Makes me wonder if he’ll eventually reach down his own hand and strangle me with it! To allow most of the things that have happened to me…that takes hate. Major hate. He wants me to suffer and that’s scary.

To change the subject from my earthly and unearthly enemies, we went to Casa Grande after leaving Scot. We thought the pet store would be open at 9:00, but they weren’t open till 10:00, so we killed time at a couple of stores. We went to an office supply store where I got white cardstock, white letter paper, then a rainbow pack. Each of its 10 colors has 20 sheets. There’s pink, yellow, red, green, orange, lime green, fuchsia, sun yellow, purple and blue.

We browsed through a dollar store which was just so-so, though I did get a couple of things. I got vanilla bubble bath and tiny rubberbands for dolls’ hair.

Because we’re going to be a little short on money till the next payday on the 15th, we decided to just get a couple of frogs, and of course, a new roommate for Little Fella. This rat caught my eye immediately for 3 reasons: He was calm, he was a he, and he had such cool markings. He was sprawled out on the food bowl and never even flinched when we approached the cage. He’s black and white. The top of him is mostly black, including his head which has a thin yet distinct white line that runs under his eye and across the top of his head. He’s really cool looking, and with his mellow disposition, I’ve been calling him Sweetie.

I’m sure Little Fella appreciates having someone he can play with who’s not too old, feeble and winded.

I’m still too out of it for much writing, so I’ll just close this entry by saying that one picture was downloaded from my albums, and to my utter shock, it was a picture of me! Who would download a picture of a total stranger, I wonder? It’s not like I’m a celebrity, even if this state tried to make me one for a while. I was amazed at how often the albums of myself were viewed as opposed to all the others. The others had anywhere from 4-27 viewings, yet the big one of me had over 300 and the smaller one had over 200! The picture was taken from the smaller album that consists of pictures taken of me when I was 26 and living at the Vista. I looked my best in my 20s, but I think all women feel that way. My prime was definitely from about 23-29.

Anyway, between all my albums, there were a total of 741 viewings.

Next time I write, I’ll have things to say about both Marys.

I’ll be falling asleep around the mid to late afternoon. I’ll probably kick the fan up higher too, in case those damn ATVs are buzzing about.

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 6, 2002
My truck predictions were uncannily accurate, and they would’ve been even more accurate had it been a bad thing. First of all, as I was falling asleep at 3 PM, it hit me that this weekend we’d be getting a truck for sure. Tom left a message saying he’d be picking up two trucks from the same guy here in town this Sunday, a green ’77 and a white ’79 which are both Datsuns (he’s going to use the parts of one of them for the other one to cut the cost of parts down). White was one of the colors I saw and so was the mid-70s. The total cost I vibed was $750. He’ll be paying $700. Lastly, I’ll be 4-6 days away from the estimated time frame of when I sensed we’d get a truck, though I certainly didn’t see two of them.

He said he’s going to drive the one that runs over here, then Mary and Dave will tow the other one.

Why must they both come and do this? Shouldn’t Mary be staying with Mom anyway? I just don’t care to see her, but then again, maybe I do. Maybe I should give her the same cold shoulder she gave me from the moment I walked into the casino to the moment she went off on me which I simply can’t forgive her for. To me, saying “I forgive you,” is the same as saying, “What you did was okay.”

I got a birthday card and check in the mail from Mom so that was nice.

PG’s still bullshitting Tom with the same story they pitched the last time. The one where they claim not to know when the new shipment of Tasha dolls will be in, but that they’d let us know when they found out.

Uh-huh. Right.

So I thought about it and decided it was time to help myself to a few treats. Yes, compensation’s definitely due, though I still highly doubt the dolls will make it to this door. It was just too easy. I mean, certainly they can’t be that stupid, can they? All I had to do was just check ‘bill me’ and that was it. Anyone could rip them off. In fact, they must get ripped off all the time, though with prices that low they can afford it. We never used this address to connect to, but even if we did, they’re so damn stupid, I don’t see how they’d put two and two together. So, Miss Rachel D. Johnson ordered 4 dolls. Those two $25 fairies, Blossom, the big $60 fairy, and then a $25 Indian doll. The supposed order came to $135, but like I said, it can’t be that easy. There’s got to be some catch. I just can’t imagine them making it here, besides, I know that at least half of them have to be out of stock.

Later…

I just discovered my Little Buddy’s gone. I guess I don’t have the power to heal or extend life after all. I am so, so devastated right now that I can’t write anymore at the moment.

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 5, 2002
Mary’s endless requests are getting to me. She’s sending me poems to type up, astrological charts, letters to this fictitious soul mate she doesn’t even know she’s going to meet, and it’s getting a little old. It’s like she wants me to type up her whole life! I had to scan and print a drawing for her, too.

I thought we were supposed to be working on a story. Not typing letters to Michelle, emailing people, scanning/printing pictures, typing poems and charts. I don’t mind the email, but as I told Mary, ease up on the usage of color ink. It’s very expensive and not reliable. The whole purpose of the laser printer was to save money, but now she wants purple fancy print on pink paper, etc. She’s just getting too carried away, though I know she appreciates what I do for her. I think it’d be best if we stayed focused on what we initially started out to do. And God forbid I should one day have a life, one owned and operated by me, I’m not going to have all this extra time. I’m not going to be busy non-stop, but if I ever do get my way for once and for all and get into dollmaking, I’m not going to want to take time out to type poems to imaginary lovers.

I don’t condemn Mary for being young, naïve and overly optimistic in a way that I don’t think is very realistic, but I think she’s going overboard a bit. I just wish she’d have more of an open mind and be more open to other possibilities in life, about God, etc. One of the biggest life lessons I learned since being on my own is that life isn’t what we plan it. Your average person does not plan most of their lives, so when she goes talking about becoming a writer and meeting this soul mate, I see a lot of my old self in her, and I know there’s a 90% chance she’s going to end up surprised, then heartbroken, till she gets used to and accepts reality. As negative as she may think this sounds, sure she’s a great writer and sure she deserves love, but chances are she’ll either not find this or not find it in the way that she envisioned (like how I found my dream woman in the end but didn’t envision her being a redhead and my being married at the time). Why? Simply because that’s just life. Instead, just like with me and the dollmaking I never even gave a thought to, she may end up wanting to do something she never thought she’d be interested in doing, though she can still write for fun. I never stopped singing just because God wouldn’t allow me to sing professionally. And if God prevents her from doing something she may dream of doing today, she may end up grateful that he did stop her in the future (I know my life would’ve been hell if I’d gotten my way with the singing and the kid and that I wouldn’t have been happy). I don’t think she realizes that dreams change and fluctuate over the years. I dreamt of Miss Right and while I may not have quite gotten Miss Right, I sure did get Mr. Right. This is what I mean when I say that life isn’t what we plan/hope for it to be. Another thing I learned is that unplanned things aren’t always necessarily bad things. In fact, I’d say most of the things I got in life that I didn’t plan on getting were good things.

Perhaps some people in this world really can simply ask God for anything they want and get it, but I know this has been far from true for me. I know we all have a right to our own beliefs and I’d never set out to change another’s beliefs, but I think they should periodically look at other possibilities concerning God. I just think a lot of people put too much stock and faith in Him when it’s themselves that should be credited for their own achievements, and themselves they should be relying on for support and survival. Them and their loved ones. I mean, if God truly doesn’t give us any more than we can handle, then what about that case I just saw on TV where an uncle killed his two nieces in Alaska? Wouldn’t it be fair to say that God gave those little girls a little more than they could handle or else they’d be alive? Again, everybody’s different, but if I were suspended in mid-air by a thin dangling rope, it’s rescue workers I’d be begging to help save me, not God. And if I want something like for the freeloaders to be out of our lives, my only hope is time, not God. For God would just laugh at me and say, “I wouldn’t have pitted them against you in the first place if I didn’t want you to suffer on account of them, now would I?”

No, He would not. Besides, many people tried praying for me while still in jail. Obviously, something wasn’t listening. So this is one of the millions of reasons I laugh when I hear that thing about how you can just ask and ye shall receive.

On the other hand, I do fully agree with those who believe things do happen for a reason. It’s just that we don’t always know what those reasons are. Just why did I go to jail? Was it a curse? A learning experience God felt I needed for some reason? To have my heart broken like I did by Teddy Bear? To help Mary? All of the above?

Another thing I keep trying to stress to Mary is that I need her help with the punctuation. I have to keep slowing down, backing up, and wracking my brain trying to figure out where the ends of sentences are. The girl just won’t use periods. I don’t know why either, so I asked that she use slashes for periods, which she seems to be okay with doing, cuz she sometimes uses them in scattered places. I never was quite sure what the slashes were supposed to mean, but all she uses is that and commas. This way it’ll take the guesswork out of it and make it go faster.

If she wants a shot at being a writer, she should get in the habit of using proper punctuation anyway. She can’t just write a story without periods. I mean, no publisher’s even going to look at it if there’s no real punctuation no matter how good the story is. That means periods, that means commas, that means quotes in the right places, etc. So, without trying to sound like a nag who’s trying to change her, I’m trying to encourage her to work on this for both our sakes. It’s going to help me do my end of the job when typing up drafts, and it’s going to help give her a better chance at success. From all the research I did, it is so, so incredibly hard to get things published, so she’s going to need all the help she can get, and the best place to start is with that. She should take it one step at a time. First begin with punctuation, then with capitalizing things that should be capitalized. Things will be a lot easier for her, though, once she has access to a computer. We usually type differently than we write. It’s easy to take a lot of shortcuts when we write, but when we type, especially when we get fast at it, we tend to be more proper about it. I think it also depends on what we’re typing and to whom. I use the word “cuz” in my letters/journals, but if I were writing a book I’d use “because.”

Anyway, I’m not like Tom’s sister who doesn’t accept others simply because their belief system/attitude may be different than mine, and I’d never suggest Mary be all negative or anything, just maybe understand that there are other possibilities in this world. Maybe she will become a writer. Or maybe she’ll be a first-grade teacher in an elementary school. Could even be a nurse in a hospital. Maybe she will find Mr. Right. Or maybe she’ll find Miss Right or Mr. Sort of Right.

My birthday was a rather relaxing one. I slept through most of it as I knew I would and the freeloaders didn’t insult me any more than they already have with Scot stopping by.

Tom sent me a birthday postcard from Webshots with pretty pink flowers.

He offered to take me to Denny’s early in the morning after work, but we were both rather tired. Instead, we’ll go to Casa Grande on Friday, grab something from there, then get more frogs and angelfish. I doubt they’ll have glass fish. Those seem to be pretty hard to come by.

Unless I’ve tapped into some kind of extraordinary power I never knew I had, Little Buddy wasn’t dying after all which would mean his troubles were due to the rain. He’s still old and feeble, but not like he was nearly a week ago. Although he tries to be playful, he can’t run like he used to, nor can he jump up on the couch.

PG’s still ignoring Tom. Guess they ran out of stories to tell him. He’s going to call them today. As I told him, he needs to put his foot down with them and say, “Look, you’ve had over two months to mail us the doll. This is getting ridiculous! Just send us the doll or refund our money.”

Instead, he’s just too nice to them and they’re taking advantage of it. I’ll take a stab at them myself when this fails to produce either the doll or the money, but one way or another, I am going to rip them off and I don’t care if I have to pay for it for half a decade!

Supposedly, we’re going to be getting a lot of money over the next 6 months between stocks, tax refunds, bonuses, etc., and supposedly we’ve got a lot of plans for it, but like I was saying, life isn’t usually what we plan it, so all we can do is hope for the best. I still have vibes for the truck for this month, so there’s that, then there’s the fences and kiln. He’s decided to rent an auger for doing the fences with, and for just $10, we’re ordering pedals from a catalog we got. We’re still going to get a bike of some kind too, though.

I’m hoping that by May at the latest, we’ll have the truck running, the fences up, and a career in dollmaking well underway. I still don’t know if I’ll ever sell any, but if I can at least make a lot of these dolls I love and have been wanting for a third of the cost – great. We decided to start from scratch and go with getting molds rather than SFGW. That way I can make as many copies of a doll as I want, and if I fuck up, I’ll be able to start over.

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 1, 2002
It seems awfully strange that no one’s viewed my albums yet. Before there were viewings every day.

What the hell’s going on out there? There’s this one dog in particular that’s been yipping nonstop that I can even hear in the house. And loud enough so that I had to put the fan on so as not to be distracted when reading. I’ve heard this dog before too, but fortunately, it isn’t very often I hear it. I’m just glad we’re not in the trailer right now!

Tom said it was quiet all day while I slept. No music, no ATVs, no nothing.

I forgot to mention that when we first arrived at the casino, I was telling Mary about the truck vibes I had had, asking if Tom had ever told her I was psychic and was surprised to find that he had.

The lady rats are now living in Tom’s office. I asked him if he knew what he wanted for Christmas and he said he thought he knew what he wanted, but that I’d be annoyed. That’s when he came out and told me he wanted them in there in the old cage. At first I was like, can’t you think of something else? But after he left for work, I thought about it and realized I could set up the old cage in such a way that not even scrawny Little Ratsy could get out of and so I did. That’ll be his surprise when he gets in, cuz he thinks he’ll have to get up earlier to chicken wire the outer walls of the cage.

I swear it’s his obsession with being different and disagreeing with me. If I loved these rats, he wouldn’t be as eager to be so fond of them. Maybe he doesn’t consciously realize it, but I swear he lives to be different. I’ve always sensed this in him, as if he too, wants to rebel against society in general. He may, for example, truly dislike coffee like he says he does, but I think a part of him is glad that this is so since most people do like it. And I still think to this day that more than likely, our past sex life was like it was cuz he didn’t want to be “normal,” he didn’t want a kid, and he did like to tease me about that and the cumming, too. I know my lack of desire has nothing to do with his lack of desire. I think that it’s partly because he naturally has a near-zero appetite to begin with, and it could also be partly due to knowing there’d be nothing to tease me over like I said before. If we were having sex right now, I’d want everything I didn’t want in the past. I’d want it quick, one-sided and dry. Dry meaning with his not cumming. I know fate’s fate, but why mess the sheets up if he’s just as happy not to?

Anyway, 95% or more of the guy is just wonderful. That’s why I married him!

We ordered the rat mug earlier. Unfortunately, and like most companies, they don’t use UPS. It ended up costing less than I thought. Only $12.91. I figured it’d be closer to $15 with shipping. They say it’s coming priority mail which means it’s supposed to be here in 2-3 days, but you know how hit or miss it is with the PO. It’ll probably take a week or two, as long as they don’t misdeliver it.

As I was looking in the mirror I realized that I’m quite fortunate to have almost no wrinkles for my age. I know I look younger as it is, but imagine how much younger I’d look without the fat and the gray hair! Well, I’m going to be losing the fat, but I don’t know how soon I’ll get around to dying my hair. It really does a number on it. Fortunately, it’s not too fried, though. Not nearly as shot as it was before the 14” cut in ’99. I think that ended up being more like a 16” cut, though, after he evened it out!

Last night I surprised myself by making a couple of doll dresses. I took an old royal purple shirt with stretchy knit-like material and made a sleeveless dress for Tyler that only goes over one shoulder. It hangs to her mid-calves. Then I made a mid-thigh length one for the Barbie-sized dolls.

I started by placing Tyler onto the material and tracing around her. When I realized it was too small, I traced around the original lines I drew, leaving more of a gap. Then I cut a matching piece and sewed both pieces together. I considered adding accents of some kind, be it beads or whatever, but then I added a blue sash instead. This so-called sash was actually from an old dancing costume of mine. It gathered a top’s material between the boobs, fastened by Velcro.

I shall show both Mom and Mary pictures, and of course, that’s my pal Mary I’m talking about.

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Last updated July 12, 2024