May 2002 in 2000s

THURSDAY, MAY 30, 2002
I left Paula a message two mornings ago and haven’t heard back from her, so this makes me think something’s up. I’m really sick of writing to her only to get maybe one letter a year from her. It’s not fair. What does she do with her time? She doesn’t work, so she should have time to write more often yet she doesn’t, and I’m tired of spending a fortune on stamps on her. So from now on, when I don’t hear from her, I’m not going to bother writing. Besides, I never know if she’s getting the letters, locked up, or what. She had court on April 30th, as well as today, unless the dates got changed. Anyway, maybe she ended up in jail last month, though even if she did, couldn’t she write from jail to tell me this?

Yesterday, the rats woke me up after just 4 hours of sleep. Their wheel was bumping the side of their cage. After numerous times of lost sleep on account of them, I not only secured their wheels to the sides of their cage, but I made a rather ingenious setup and was quite productive for a good 12 hours or so, despite my lack of sleep.

The boys had been in a tank cuz they were not big enough for the old cage. To give them more room till they are, I took the wire floor and attached it to the center of the new cage with cable ties, creating a two-story house. The 5 guys live downstairs and the 5 ladies are upstairs. Each floor has one wheel and two tubes. The top floor also has a bowl, since I can’t just throw food in there that’d fall through the wire floor.

I just wish these rats would calm down! They come up to me when I approach the cage and they take food from me, but they act like I’m gonna kill them when I go into the cage or try to pick them up. By now, I know they’re never gonna get any better. All I can do is accept the fact that I’m stuck with a bunch of schizophrenic, nonsocial rats, but at least they’re cool-looking.

WEDNESDAY, MAY 29, 2002
Oh, Teddy Bear, what happened, babe? I just wish I knew! Am I always going to wonder every day for the rest of my life?

Probably.

How could she have had me so fooled? How can someone come off as so genuine and caring, only to prove that they never even really cared? I mean, does she ever think of me or consider how I may feel about her dumping me?

Obviously not.

Did someone sweep you off your feet, Teddy Bear, or was it something I said in the letter or that you heard about me?

Unless she died or didn’t get my letter, lost my number, and had no way to get it from wherever she had to have gotten the letter. Even if the county swiped it, I find it hard to believe they wouldn’t show it to her or give her a copy, and if Pérez really didn’t get my letter, I’m sure it’s cuz it was never mailed. But knowing she got the letter doesn’t answer the question as to why she blew me off. It seems pretty damn likely, though, that my first two guesses are it. I doubt they threatened to fire her if she saw me or that the letter got her in trouble. Of course, there’s still the possibility that single or not, she decided against seeing a married woman.

A part of me wishes we’d never met. Just why did we meet anyway? Just so God could use her to hurt me?

Anyway, first we’re going to look more into kilns. Like where the best prices are and where’s a good place to get one in Phoenix; that sort of thing. Then, we’ll look into classes, books and or videos. I like the idea of learning by videos so I can go at my own pace at my own convenience with Tom right there, but with classes, I’d have an experienced person walking me through the steps.

I restored an old doll last night and was amazed at how good I got her looking. She was my very first doll. One I stole through the mail when I was at the Vista Ventana. She had an old-fashioned nightgown with a stain on it and a hideously styled thin blond wig that I had braided. I ripped wigs off a lot of the dolls I no longer care to display and ended up sticking her in a brown wig and a ballerina/fairy-type outfit. I’m amazed at the results. She sure does look a lot better.

Then I took the doll whose wig and outfit that came from and put her in a spare dress with a wig from one of the musical dolls I dismembered.

SUNDAY, MAY 26, 2002
Tom and I have been checking into things as far as doll-making goes. We could get a kiln for just under $600. When you think about it, it’s a lot of money in itself, yet a worthy investment at the same time.

Yesterday, when we set off the bombs and left, we took off via Meadow Green and checked out the new rental. They have a swing set, a trampoline and a bunch of other shit out front. I saw a kid bouncing on the trampoline at 6:00 this evening. Although I couldn’t hear a damn thing inside the house, if we had a pool right now, we’d have absolutely no privacy with them hanging out front so much of the time, despite the fact that they’re a good 400 feet or so away, and I wonder if the kids would be obnoxious, too. Certainly not as obnoxious as when they’d be screaming next door to us in PHX, but I think they could grate on my nerves after a while. Them and their dog.

All in all, I like the fact that they’re white and that they don’t play their music for me, but 5 people always hanging outside, 3 of them kids? I don’t know about that, though I’d take that any day over having this shit and worse just a few feet away. And we’re still a long way away from porches, Arizona rooms and a pool, anyway. As for fences and privacy plants/trees, I’m beginning to doubt that’ll ever happen, and if it ever does, it certainly wouldn’t be before 2-3 years from now.

The middle rental looked actually kind of nice. It was well-kept with just a few things out front. In fact, all I really saw was a table with an umbrella and a couple of chairs around it.

The furthest rental was vacant. It was rundown with all kinds of trash around it. I always said that there were freeloaders living in the place, judging by how it looked when I’d go by it in the past. I even saw some freeloaders sitting in front. So, they no doubt trashed the place, hopefully leaving George to consider whether or not renting to freeloaders is such a good idea after all.

The two occupied houses appear to have nothing in back. All their stuff is in front, but that’s how it’s done out here. The only thing I can see in back is a burn bin in back of the middle rental.

SATURDAY, MAY 25, 2002
Just a quick update before I work out. We bombed earlier, so I feel a lot more comfortable around here at night.

The property across from next door is for sale. In fact, every other property around here seems to be for sale in light of the new subdivision they’re building and the one they’re going to start building.

I took the back off of my tall brown bookcase that’s in my office. It was a brown cardboard backing, and it looks better without it. The light-colored wall behind it brightens things up.

They sent me another certificate for free shipping and handling along with Chris, and I contemplated a few different $25 dolls for a while, then decided not to bother. They’d probably send me a coupon with every order and I can’t be getting that many dolls, and even if I could, they don’t have that many I really like. I also meant it when I said I wanted to cut down on receiving things in the mail. Especially dolls. I’d rather learn to paint and assemble the nicer, more expensive dolls anyway, for both myself and to sell.

THURSDAY, MAY 23, 2002
I’ve been keeping busy these last few days. Mostly with working on dolls. You know, I really could be happy making and selling dolls if only it wasn’t such a complex, complicated thing. Maybe I should look into it again. I mean, I know it’s a lot of work that’s messy and smelly, but I think it’d be fun once I got the hang of it, then I could pretty much get any of the $200-$300 dolls I wanted for $30-$40. Maybe stuffing the dolls isn’t such a big deal if you have the right body. I know Jade’s body wasn’t for the 32” doll that she is. I think it’s at least a 34”, maybe more.

I guess the normal procedure is to pour the molds, sand the seams, which would be messy and dusty, then soft-fire it. Then you paint it and fire it again, turning it into bisque. There may be a second painting and a third firing. I think there is. Then comes the assembly. From what I saw on that video, setting the eyes is no fun. You have to drip candle wax on the fronts of the eyes to keep the epoxy from squeezing through. Still, other people do it all the time, so I think I could. I’m gonna check further into it sometime.

Whether or not God would allow me to do this, is questionable, of course. It’s something I want to do and that could generate money. Just like I asked myself, if God wouldn’t allow me a woman like Teddy Bear in the past, why would he now? I’m asking myself, if God wouldn’t let me do what I wanted to do with my life in the past, why would he now? Especially something that could make money?

In other doll news, I finally got Chris yesterday. I took off her boring dress and put her in a spare one I had. This isn’t the second doll, though. This is the first one. The fucking idiots simply had her sitting on their shelf. They claimed they tried to deliver it earlier when they really didn’t. At first I thought I was going to end up with two Chris dolls just like I ended up with two Giselle dolls, but we’re pretty sure the doll company told them to put a trace on the first one before they sent a second one, so I doubt I’ll end up with two.

At first, I didn’t think her face was as nice as it looked in her picture and that she was just a so-so doll, but her battery-operated fiber-optic wings are really cool. They look so pretty and colorful. Especially at night. She doesn’t have any legs. Her body’s set into a plastic cone that holds the wiring. This is why it’s important to put her in a dress long enough to cover it.

For the longest time I wished I could get some of the nicer dresses off the tacky, phony-looking musical dolls I’ll probably never get again. The dresses are sewn to the bodies. Well, last night I detached two dresses using a razor and even cut out the music boxes. I don’t know what I’ll do with the music boxes, but you never know. So, those two, out of the 5 musicals I’ve got, were pretty much demolished by the time I finished with them, but first, I tore one’s wig off. Then I tore off the Lollipop doll’s wig, which I was never too impressed with. When I put the other wig on it, it looked much better. But then I had another musical doll whose dress I didn’t care for, but whose wig I liked even more with its duel-braided pigtails. So I ripped that one off and that’s the one on Lollipop’s head right now.

So, of the 3 musicals I have left, I only have one displayed. I don’t care for the others’ dresses, but I may keep their wigs.

Tom trimmed my hair a few nights ago and didn’t do a great job. Still, it needed a trim. I decided to trim 3”, rather than take it to the shoulders, though I still plan to do so one of these days.

We’re going to bomb this Saturday cuz we’ve been getting these terrifying, strange creatures in here lately. We’re not sure what they are, but they’re big. Too big. If there’s anything I miss about the northeast, it’s its lack of big bugs. Anyway, it was about an inch long. I thought it was a spider at first. It appeared to have 8 legs. But its body was oblong and the back and front sets of legs were much longer than the two middle ones. So I wondered if it was some kind of ant, cricket or grasshopper. After seeing a picture I took of one after I killed it, Tom wondered if they were baby tarantulas, but I doubt it. The shape’s not right, they’re too fast, and they have no fur. I know they’re not scorpions. I just want them gone! I’ve been seeing an average of one a day.

We do have a rather neat visitor, though it’s not in the house. I saw my first Gila monster yesterday. That sure is one huge lizard, that’s for sure. I only saw it from a distance and for a minute or so before it walked off into the wash. They don’t move very fast nor travel far, so I may see it sunning itself in the late afternoon. I’m keeping a lookout for it. They’re poisonous and it’s illegal to kill or own one as a pet cuz they’re an endangered species.

I still can’t believe I’m going to be starting off my next condensed autobiography about a Teddy Bear who never came. It still shocks me to this day. I can’t believe this woman who seemed so real could leave me hanging without a word. I’d have been shocked if she’d contacted me somehow saying we couldn’t get together, but for her to not even call me up and say thanks for breeding the mice, but no thanks, really surprises me. The anger and the hurt have died down a bit, but I don’t think I’ll ever get over the shock. Not even the book got her curious enough to see me.

I’ve been thinking of decrypting at least some of my journals. Primarily the older ones. If I do, it’d be under the same concept as when you ask someone a question. When you ask someone a question, you should be prepared for the fact that you may not like the answer. Well, if anyone’s lucky enough to manage to swipe these journals without me beating the snot out of them first, they’ll have to deal with the consequences of the fact that they may read things they might not necessarily like. It’s just like with mail. When we open our mail, we may not like what we find. Some of us choose to be adults over it and just ignore it, others prefer to run to the pigs like spoiled children running to tattle on other children.

Later…

Tom got up an hour ago and took off for work. He agrees we ought to look more into this doll-making adventure once again, even if it means, ironically, taking classes (I’m sure Scot would get a kick out of that!). It’d depend on how much money we’d have to spend and how far we’d have to travel, but we understand that getting started with most anything takes money. In order to avoid the dustiness of the filing, I may skip getting molds and get soft-fired greenware. That’d mean I’d be painting and assembling.

The dream catcher I have hanging under the skylight only has blue and white beads. On the web itself, there’s only one blue bead, one white bead, and a feathered arrow. Well, I added 6 different colored glow-in-the-dark beads to the web. It looks cool in the daylight and I’m sure it’ll look cool at night. I also put 6 beads in Twinkle’s hair, who’s in the bedroom.

Did I mention how smart Little Buddy is? He not only managed to pull Tom’s box of mints out of his pocket, but he figured out how to open the box, too! Then he chased me around the room when I took them away from him. He had some ice cream today. We were sitting on the floor, and after he finished his ice cream which I placed on a little saucer, he jumped up on my lap and began eating out of my bowl.

I hope I get a night off from these creatures from hell that have been invading this house!

Later…

I decided now would be a good time to do next year’s calendars for the living room and my office, cuz you know how printers are - sometimes they work, sometimes they don’t. So I thought I’d take advantage of the fact that it’s working now and get it done. It was fun and gave me something different to do other than the usual. Some of the pictures came out gorgeous - clear and sharp.

The more I think about this doll thing, the more skeptical I am. I definitely do want to do it. It’s totally calling to me. It’s just that I know better. God’s gonna be like, “No, you do what others want you to do and you take classes for the state.”

My whole life has been what I have to do for others! I have no problem with that as long as it’s for people I care about and people I want to do for, and as long as I can get to do for me every now and then, too. And I don’t mean going out and buying a dress or a doll or whatever. I mean something bigger than that that will really have a positive effect on my life. I’m not saying I never got to do something I wanted to do. After all, I married Tom. It’s just that I don’t have a very good track record for being allowed to make my own decisions and do what I want with my life, particularly when it comes to money-making ventures. I tell myself, it’s only dolls, so why would God stand in the way?

Because he can and because he would and because it’s something I want to do. It all comes back to what I want and what could make money. I want to be just as financially independent as Tom, even though neither of us is “financially independent” cuz we’re a team. Guess what I’m trying to say is that I want to make money like he does. It doesn’t have to be much, either. A lousy $100 a month would do. And one thing we certainly wouldn’t have to invest in is some good solid tables to work on.

Perhaps, if I bought enough supplies, I could even do this on the boat, if we do live on one someday, then deliver them for sale when we dock for supplies. After all, one can only clean and write for so long. A little more in my life that does not involve catering to my own perpetrators couldn’t hurt.

Now, can I figure out a way to break curses and fight fate? How do I alter this lifelong pattern?

MONDAY, MAY 20, 2002
Naturally, the stock market soared right after we cashed some stocks. Well, of course. See, this is why I have my doubts about God ever allowing us enough money to get a boat. Unless we’re going to be compensated for all the years we struggled and were ripped off, in both legal and illegal forms, that is, it’s awfully hard to imagine he’ll allow us to get a substantial amount of money off this place, and if he did, he’d have us lose it somehow. Probably by sending some incompetent fool to rip us off or some pig that knew it could use and abuse the law against me in an era in which “minorities” rule. I also can’t see us getting enough money for a boat cuz I can’t imagine that he’d let me just walk away from civilization altogether. After all, how could he have people fuck me over in the middle of the ocean? Would he then attack my health so I’d be forced inland to doctors and people?

Anyway, I’m making a sign language wallpaper program. Well, it’s not a program. All I’m really doing is scanning in the signs which I’ll display with the wallpaper changer I’ve got.

SUNDAY, MAY 19, 2002
It just dawned on me that I forgot to fax Scot the certificate I got at Lee High School. This was when I was at Valleyhead, chosen amongst a few others to do a 7-week vocational training program in business ed./computers, food service, horticulture landscaping, auto body/metalworking/drafting blueprint reading, as written on the certificate.

So, rather than fax it and have him be all confused and wondering why I faxed it all of a sudden, I’m mailing it with an enclosed note letting him know that I forgot to include this copy for him and that I’d be willing, if need be, to take a test showing that my reading comprehension skills are not low, so long as it’s no additional cost to us.

The part I left out, that he doesn’t need to know, is that I’m not spending another dime on these damn freeloaders! Not other than what’s already been agreed upon. Well, unwillingly agreed upon, I should say. I never “agreed” to any of this shit. Also, I shouldn’t have to pay to prove to this state that I can understand what I read. It’s none of their concern.

Worries, worries, worries! That’s all I ever have. I see a scary pattern when I think of all the things I’ve worried over for no reason, and better not to have had a reason in the end, but I don’t need this shit! It’s a never-ending slew of one fucking thing after another and there are no guarantees that I’m worrying for nothing in this case! All I do is hear Scot coming out and telling me that they insist I take multiple classes a week for many weeks, never mind the money it’d cost. The question is what to do about it if he does say I have to do something that’s over my head. File a lawsuit of some kind? Kill myself? Run? Do the rest of my probation locked up?

And what will be next when this is over, however it’s destined to end?

SATURDAY, MAY 18, 2002
Scot still hasn’t heard back about the class bullshit. He tells me he wouldn’t worry about it. Yeah, that’s what Paul said; not to worry. When I told them that I hoped they’d just forget about me, Scot said he didn’t think they’d forget about me. Yeah, I’m sure they won’t.

He talks about the possibility of modifying my sentence and deleting that, which Tom thinks will happen, but I don’t. For one, people are lazy. It’s easier to tell him to tell me to just do it than to alter paperwork, not that it should be any big deal to cross something out, but if they did omit it, then they might feel compelled to do something else. Anything to control me. That’s what happens to any person in jail or on probation.

I still don’t understand who the fuck took it upon themselves to decide my reading comprehension skills are low or why the state feels it’s its responsibility to do something about it. I mean, are they gonna make me go to auto mechanic school cuz I don’t know shit about cars?

It’s just an observation someone made, Tom said. Yeah, a delusional one. All my life people have misunderstood me and that’d be fine if I didn’t usually have to suffer from their stupidity in one way or another like I do. Others don’t have to suffer when I misunderstand them, so why should I? I don’t think we’re dealing with a case of someone’s stupidity, though it’s possible. It’s possible that Paul came to some bullshit conclusion when we were going over the legal papers, but I’m not a fucking lawyer. How could I be expected to grasp all that legal mumbo jumbo in just a few minutes?

Another possibility is that they drew this conclusion based on the disjointed sentences in my journals, but I did that on purpose to be confusing.

I’m willing to bet, though, that it’s Paul’s way of spiting me. Especially since I said I wouldn’t work outside of the house. It could also be the probation department in general out to control me. I haven’t had community service or therapy in a while, so they may feel the need to keep me busy, but I’ll tell you right now, no one’s going to make me take classes. I’ll decide whether or not I take the classes, and if I don’t, I’ll decide whether or not I do the rest of my probation in jail or if I kill myself and spare myself 30 or 40 more years of society’s spite and stupidity. It’ll depend on how often the classes are and how much more money we have to shell out on account of these fucking freeloaders - damn them mother-fuckers to holy hell!!!!!! Oh, what I could fucking do to them for turning my life upside down and inside out for - what’s it been - 6 years now?

And why don’t they test my reading comprehension level, rather than jump the gun and just throw me in classes, huh? And lastly, why does Scot keep asking me how long my sentence is? Does he think I’ve forgotten? Is he so stupid that he himself needs constant reminders?

Anyway, this is the only other month this year where I get 3 wonderful weeks in between report days. Do I think he’ll bug me here before then? I don’t know. He left me alone for 3 whole weeks in March, and he was just here, but I can never know for sure. He surprised me with 4 visits in a measly 2½ months at the start of the year, so we’ll see.

Anyway, after playing, let’s-do-for-the-freeloaders, we grabbed a snack and some drinks at Circle K and headed for Tempe. There, we went to the bookstore, then to Walgreens. We could only find temporary color streaks for hair, and none of it glowed under black light. I got passionate pink, and it’s terrible! The comb was attached to the bottle, so it was easy enough to brush into my hair, but it never dried. Instead, it remained a thick, wet sticky blob in my hair that’d get over everything. At least it washed out easily.

A man complimented me on my hair too, as I was walking through the store.

Anyway, if I can’t find permanent dye to streak my hair with, I’m just gonna cut it and dye it with regular dye. Instead of going with the red, though, I think I’ll go with dark brown.

Paradise Galleries says they sent another Chris doll, and thanks to my shit luck, there’s a holiday within the next 10 business days. I’m sure God will let me have this one with no problem, though, since I didn’t get the first one. I should get it by the 31st. Of course, that holiday’s a good thing when you consider that it’s an extra day off from the freeloaders.

Later…

Tom ran over a big, 6-foot-long snake on his way to the recycling center this morning. He said it wasn’t a rattler or a black snake.

The Gray Lady finally died. What? Are all these mice gonna die off cuz they’re not going to Teddy Bear? I’m down to 5 now, and I have them in my office.

The best part of yesterday was JBS, of course. Jamie, the girl we got Jade from, wasn’t there. She was in Kingman. Some other ditz was there that you could tell didn’t have much experience. I kept an eye on everything she wrote on the order form, though, so I wouldn’t have to suffer yet again on account of someone else’s fuck-up. I also know how cursed I am with having to struggle to get dolls. There still could be a problem, anyway, though. I was surprised when she told me it may take up to 6 weeks to get Joy (Tom’s birthday). It only took two weeks to get Jade. Maybe it won’t take that long, though.

Although some of their prices were down, I wasn’t surprised to see they were asking twice as much for a couple of Paradise Galleries dolls. They wanted $160 for the $80 Mei Lin doll I have and $105 for a $40 vinyl doll they have.

This time around, most of their dolls didn’t seem all that realistic. I mean, I can find a lot more lifelikes online. The only doll I liked that I may get someday was Chari. Another Donna Rupert doll. She and her daughter Kelly are great. She’s a 23” lady doll in a black evening gown and heels. She has red shoulder-length hair and gray eyes. I’d like her hair to be a bit longer, and I’d like to try the violet eyes for a change.

I also got Jade a stand. It was a ridiculous $23, but it’s quite a stand. It’s an adjustable one on a wooden base which we’ll paint sometime. I may get her shoes from them, which were the only thing in the store that wasn’t overpriced, but first I had to measure her foot. They measure doll eyes and shoes in millimeters.

Anyway, I got Joy in an Indian slip with brown eyes and black hair. They were having a 10% off sale, so she’ll cost $225, the price her kit would normally cost.

THURSDAY, MAY 16, 2002
I’ve been doing remarkably well as far as getting over Teddy Bear goes. She was, just like every other woman I’ve been attracted to to that degree or more, just a fantasy. I must move on which is all I can do. Whether or not she got the letter, she didn’t want to get together bad enough to call in the end. All I had to do to know this was to not get a call from her. I don’t hate her, but I hate what she’s done, and I know that if we were suddenly to cross paths, I wouldn’t be able to trust her.

When Tom gets up, he’ll email the doll people. They said they’d send another one, but it wouldn’t surprise me if we were told something different this time around. Like to give it another 10 days or more.

After thinking about it and taking into consideration that there is a curse on me when it comes to trying to receive dolls and that the mail system is hit or miss, I decided to stay away from mail-order dolls as much as possible. In a couple of months or so I’m still gonna take a shot at getting the Arab and Brazilian dolls and hope for the best. I’ll either get them or I won’t. Then, instead of ordering from them with birthday and Christmas money, I’m going to save up to buy dolls at JBS. I know it’s more expensive and that it’ll take two birthdays and Christmases to get a doll every two years, but it’ll be a realistic-looking, high-quality doll that we go and get ourselves, without having to deal with the 50/50 chance that the post office will fuck up.

Because I’m so cursed with having to fight for dolls bought through the mail, maybe Paula really did try those two times to send me dolls. I had just thought it was a weird coincidence at the time cuz I was getting her letters. But because they were dolls, and because of the experiences I’ve had, I now wonder if maybe she wasn’t kidding after all. The mail’s so screwy that for all I know Teddy Bear could’ve sent a note saying thanks but no thanks to the mice, etc., though I doubt it. I really thought that having a PO box would mean we’d seldom not get things we order, but it’s cuz it’s dolls I’m trying to get. If I were ordering anything else there wouldn’t be so much of a problem. Because I’m not the one out there working 40 hours a week, God just wants me not to get the things I love as easily. He wants me to work for them, in a sense, by there being a problem with the delivery or the doll being out of stock.

I don’t have any bad vibes as far as seeing the cheeks tomorrow, but I haven’t been much of a psychic lately, so I don’t know. Then again, I never lost my accuracy in predicting bad things. We’ll find out tomorrow, though there’s a chance he may not have heard back from them yet. Hopefully, he never will. Hopefully, they’ll just drop it, stop trying to control me and go pick on someone else.

What I do look forward to tomorrow is going to Walgreens to look for that dye. I hope we find it cuz I want to do something with this damn hair and was going to use that as the deciding factor as to whether or not I cut it or just trim it. I’m so sick of all the static! It’s always, always full of static. I guess it’s cuz I live in such a dry climate.

We’re also going to stop at the bookstore and JBS.

I wonder if the babies will ever calm down. I certainly have my doubts at this point. I’m sick of this scaredy-rat bullshit!

MONDAY, MAY 13, 2002
As far as Teddy Bear goes, I’m moving on and putting her behind me. That’s all I can do. Only one of three things could’ve happened. 1. She never got the letter and decided to blow me off by not calling. 2. She got the letter and decided to blow me off. 3. I was just a game to her all along and she never had any intentions of contacting me.

I would hope that number 3 is the least likely thing to have happened.

I can’t say for sure whether or not Tom mailed my letter to Pérez, but if he didn’t, then he probably never mailed Rule’s either, and therefore, I wouldn’t have to worry that they may be conspiring against me for writing 3 DOs, that to them, may be like 30.

Mary was telling me that a DO named Sexton, appropriately, was arrested for having sex with female inmates at Madison. But how could that be, unless it was done at the intake area? Madison’s a male jail.

At 9:00 this evening, I took a 4-hour nap after taking a Benadryl to try to get my schedule flipped faster so I could go to the store to hunt for that hair dye. I also need new books.

Tom showed me a site called I Won. It’s where you can compare your scores to others and win prizes if your score is the highest. Well, as good as I am at Mah Jong, I doubt I’ll get the highest score or win anything.

Speaking of winning anything, after he won $5 at the new casino, which was rather shitty, we went to our regular casino where I lost about $50. I should’ve known better, knowing we’re predestined to lose every time we step foot in a casino, and I should’ve gotten the Brazilian doll if there was a chance they could get it to me. This Thursday is when we’ll be emailing the doll people for shot number two at getting Chris.

Although the babies are getting a bit braver, they’re still way too skittish for these kinds of rats. Especially ones that were born here.

Later…

the cheeks came by at 11:30. He said he sent my progress report off, along with copies of my certificates.

We called JBS Dolls in Mesa. An undressed Joy kit costs $225 and an undressed assembled kit costs $250. We’re going to go with the assembled kit. This Friday, after we see the cheeks, we’ll stop in their store and place the order. I think it’ll take something like two weeks for her to arrive from Kingman. I’m pretty sure I’ll want her in an Indian slip with dark hair and eyes.

I don’t know that I’ll want to continue with the other doll place. If it isn’t the post office fucking up, they’re out of stock on the dolls. No wonder they’re so cheap. Not being stocked up is one thing, but this is the second time out of the 4 different deliveries (every other time) that the post office has fucked up and I can’t have that. I could put up with them not getting the dolls to me on time, but I can’t put up with them not getting some of the dolls to me at all.

For the first time in a long time, I’ve been stuck for more than two days and it’s caused me to gain 3 pounds.

I tell myself to get over it, but even so, I still find myself pissed off at myself just as much as those who have wronged me. Why was I so nice, so trusting, and so stupid when it came to the freeloaders and pigs?! Why did I let that black bitch come to my door and tell me to shut up so she could accuse me of being everything she and her people were? Why didn’t I kick her ass then? Why? Why? Why?

And why did I believe God would let me have Teddy Bear, if only part-time?

And why doesn’t it bother me that my husband’s not interested in touching me? Why aren’t I crying over that, doing everything I could possibly think of to turn him on? Why don’t I desire him? Does it not bother me that we’re not interested in each other cuz I’ve come to accept it and to know that that’s part of being together for a long time?

Later…

They’re up on the renter’s roof right now. My God, the work over there never ends! Also, they have a large plastic garbage can on wheels sitting out by the road as if they expect trash pickup.

SATURDAY, MAY 11, 2002
Sunday, after Tom visits Mom, I should have new ink cartridges. On Monday I can mail out stuff to both Mary and Paula, but I swear I’m gonna stop writing to Paula if I don’t hear from her! How do I even know she’s getting my mail, though she probably is? Also, it’d be nice and a bit fairer if she’d write more often. And for real, too.

Hopefully, Mary can tell me where the DOs say Teddy Bear is (I asked her to ask a handful of them to see how many say Madison or that they don’t know). Also, if Pérez mentioned getting my letter, and if she got the letter where I mentioned writing Pérez. Maybe another thing Mary could do, if she wouldn’t mind playing detective, is to see if she can find out exactly what the policies are. Teddy Bear had told me that they weren’t supposed to have contact with inmates till they’d been out a year (something I suspected may not be the case), but as Tom pointed out, that could’ve changed to never being allowed contact. If there’s any way she could find out what the policy is nowadays, that may help me to understand what may’ve happened. At least it could rule out or narrow down the possibilities.

Once again, it’s quite a coincidence that I said that the post office would fuck up since the doll I ordered was in stock and that’s exactly what happened. If there had been delays a few times, then I’d write it off as a coincidence. After all, nothing’s perfect. But it’s so obvious that something doesn’t want me getting dolls as soon as I should. As cheap as this place is, I’m almost tempted to give up on them. Six dolls and not one of them arrived on time. By now it’s safe to say that Chris was put in someone else’s box. Someone who kept her too, so we’ll have to order another one. I guess Tom will be getting information as to where the best place is to get Joy, as believe it or not, our stock money came in. I hate to think of the hell we’ll have to go through to get her!

After thinking I was going to fill some of my spare time with Teddy Bear, only to find out that she was just a dream, I find myself filled with worries and uncertainties. Knowing God would just ignore any requests for help or answers, I don’t bother to turn to him. I learned better a long time ago. Yeah, God, I know you’re up there laughing down at me right now. Probably saying, “You sucker! You fool!”

And that’s exactly what I am to have believed I’d have Teddy Bear, no matter how sure set it seemed.

So now what? A part of me wishes I could conquer my fears of driving. I don’t know how or why I got his phobia. I’ve never been in an accident before. I suppose some would say that I was in an accident in a previous life and that that’s why driving scares me. I guess anything’s possible, though I’m no longer sure I believe in any kind of an afterlife.

I still can’t believe Teddy Bear’s ignoring me. I’d rather she called and told me she decided I was a fat ugly geek than blow me off without a care in the world! At least then I’d have known why she ditched me.

Though I’m still worlds away from the end of this freeloader sentence, I know that the closer I get to the end of it the closer I get to the next long-term curse and crisis. That could be just as soon as a year and a half away. Sure I want to get the freeloaders out of our lives, but what would I be trading them in for?

Later…

Got a postcard from Mary. The postcard shows a picture of Joe standing amid Tent City.

Mary’s input has made me consider other possibilities, though I won’t be able to take her advice on calling her at Madison.

Ok, say she’s right and she never got my letter and also lost my number. Well, as soon as she said Pérez never gave her any indication of getting my letter (assuming Tom mailed it) it made me wonder if the county held my letters to both of them, as well as to Rule, to try to build a “case” against me. Remember, I’m still Jewish and living in an anti-Jewish state, and I’ve got a stalking label on me, for God’s sake. I have to consider this possibility. The state could be itching to say I’m stalking DOs and if I called looking for her at Madison or at home (not that I know her home number), that could get me in trouble I don’t need. I’ve had enough shit from this state as it is.

She was right in saying that she doesn’t seem like the type to blow me off, but we can never know for sure exactly what happened and why. Some of the nicest, sincerest people can turn out to be phony assholes. I think the best thing to do would be to leave it to fate. That’s all I really can do. I do appreciate her looking into it, though, as well as her support and concern.

Damn, I wish she’d work there again! Then she could ask her what happened and give her the number if she wanted it, but I doubt she’ll ever work there again, and if she does, I doubt it’d be before she left.

Meanwhile, all I can do is wonder what happened and not know for sure. We just can’t have everything we want in life. I mean, sure I wish I could get a message across to her if she didn’t blow me off, but I can’t risk getting into trouble. She either blew me off for any number of reasons, or she didn’t get the letter and she lost the number. If the latter of the two is the case, then God will lead her to me somehow if this is what she wants and if it’s meant to be. I still believe I’ll never see her again, though. I believe what Tom believes - that she got the letter and has chosen to ignore me. Why, I can only speculate as to the many reasons she may have. I think she’s either seeing someone, or that it has to do with a policy, or that she decided I was too far out of the way. She always struck me as the responsible type and although she could’ve lost the number, I doubt she did. I think she’d have called if she didn’t get the letter yet still wanted to see me. Meanwhile, I’m not going to risk getting in trouble for someone who may not want to see me. As I told her, though, she’s still welcome to find out whatever she can.

As far as making Tom take Viagra like she suggested - trust me, nobody makes Tom do anything. Plus, that’s for guys who can’t get hard to begin with. I couldn’t even get him to see a doctor back when I used to want a kid. If he doesn’t want to fix his lack of appetite/cumming, he won’t, and no one can make him. I wouldn’t want to make him anyway. That has to be something a person wants to do on their own. It’s like with losing weight or quitting smoking. You gotta do it for yourself, not someone else.

Secondly, even if he did want Viagra and suddenly had an appetite - I don’t. Not for him anyway. We’ve simply been together too long for that. I love Tom, the man, but I don’t desire sex with him. I’d rather imagine myself with a woman I was attracted to than actually have him. We love each other and we’ll always be together, but not as playmates.

Thirdly, I’ve heard bad reports about Viagra. People have had heart attacks on it. The last thing I’d want Tom to do would be to risk his health all in the name of lust. As long as we love each other, we don’t have to lust for each other. To know we can count on each other through thick and thin is what counts.

She likes the idea of this hair dye thing. Yeah, I figured she would. Hopefully, I’ll get it soon.

FRIDAY, MAY 10, 2002
Been having loads of fun collecting MP3s. I’m totally into the current stuff these days. If it wasn’t for this one oldie I’ve been trying to track down, I wouldn’t bother with the oldies, 70s, or 80s at this point. I’ve got everything I want from those times, except for that one song. This is a 60s song I’m looking for and I don’t know the artist or title of the song, though I know I’d recognize it as soon as I heard it.

Anyway, it’s just so cool to like a song and simply download myself a copy of it. Every now and then there’s a song I just can’t find, but I can find 95% of them.

THURSDAY, MAY 9, 2002
When oh when am I going to get over you, Officer R. D. Johnson? Last night was tough. I cried and cried and cried. I wanted to be with her so badly. To get to know her, to get it on with her, etc. Her blowing me off has affected me a lot more than I thought it would. I thought it’d be easier to take, but I thought wrong. I know I’m going to get over her, but the question is when? How many weeks, months or even years will it take? Every day I wake to the same questions: how could she do this to me and why?

I hope that if I’m ever crushing on another woman she’s a celebrity like Gloria. That way I can’t get led on and dropped like I was some kind of a joke. Like I was just something to pass the time with.

At least I won’t have to worry about ever making any dumb decisions. Never have to make any tough decisions. I’ll never get the misfortune of ever being torn between her and Tom. Never risk throwing it all away for her - Tom, my home, my security - just to end up dumped, homeless and penniless on account of her.

Being in jail and having firsthand experience with the system like I have has changed my views and opinions on some of the laws. First of all, I don’t think any non-violent people should ever be jailed. Probation is enough of a punishment, and their families need them. When you lock people up, the families suffer as well. One could lose so much by being locked up. What if someone owns a house and has no one to take care of it while they’re gone? That just seems like an awful lot to lose over drugs, hooking or supposed letters filled with threats. A person could lose their home, their possessions, their job, and in essence, their whole life.

I used to believe violent people should be killed to save on the costs of housing and feeding them, but now I don’t think so. I think they should live to suffer. They should be beaten and tortured every day of their lives until they die.

In case I forgot to say so, I stopped emailing chickenmax a few months ago. I just got sick of it.

Later…

I decided that rather than try to write another novel of any kind, I’d just write clips. Bits and pieces of various scenes and situations like are done for virtual reality. Who knows? Maybe someday we’ll have the software for that, though from what Tom says, it doesn’t look all that real. It’s a complex thing that looks quite animated, but either way, as a form of self-therapy for myself, as well as for something more to do, I’ll consider myself a virtual reality scene writer. Of course, I’ll just be doing the script part of it and no drawings. This will be therapeutic in the way that it was to send the freeloaders their shit. Especially the made-up stuff like how I went house-hopping, hopping from roof to roof. And how she supposedly chased him with the weed whacker. How Bill and I picked the bitch up together.

I know I’m not going to profit financially from doing this, but I think it’ll help and that it’ll be fun and give me something more to do. To explain a little more about what I had in mind, well, it’d be sort of like the way Mary writes. She writes clips of different experiences she’s had, only they really happened. For me, I’ll be writing clips of things that never happened, but that might’ve gone the way I wrote them if they had. I can write a scene on how I thought it’d be - how I’d like it to have been - with Teddy Bear and I in bed. The scene I’m going to start with is one where I confront her and her girlfriend in public. This is because I think the most likely reason she blew me off is cuz she’s seeing someone.

Mine and Mary’s writing styles are very different, so she really helped me to see other ways of writing, you could say.

Tom both surprised and pleased me when he said no to if he wanted to read it. Now why couldn’t he have done that with my bio?

Before I begin, Little Buddy managed to escape by pulling the door open so now I keep it hooked. They probably worked as a team. As the little ones pulled the door inward, that’s probably when he hopped out.

A couple of other things - Tom’s still not convinced she’s blown me off, but I am. I know she’s gotten the letter and I know she wouldn’t have waited this long to contact me if she really wanted to.

I also asked him what his opinion would be as to why she blew me off, and he said that I may’ve come across as too obsessive and made her nervous.

I doubt it. I mean, she sure as hell didn’t seem nervous to me back in that jail. A nearly 6’ tall person with a gun nervous of an unarmed person nearly a foot shorter and 80 pounds lighter? I don’t think so.

Then why did she talk about us getting together? I asked Tom, and he said she was just making conversation.

That’s a hell of a conversation to be having with someone that you know likes you and that you’re supposed to like back. She should’ve picked something else to make small talk about, which was obviously all she was doing - just talking.

Though I may be obsessive in the way that I’m always thinking about her and talking about her to Tom, I don’t think I came on too strong for her, but maybe I did. Maybe Miss Shy & Old Fashioned felt I was too outspoken for her, but again, I don’t know about this. She seemed to like that quality in me, telling her how I kept her on her toes.

If anything I may’ve said or did truly did scare her off, what a wimp. What a major wimp! I thought this was supposed to be a strong, intelligent person. Well, intelligent, yes. Strong, no. Maybe she’s not even as intelligent as I thought she was either if Tom’s right. That’s because the fact that I waited a year to contact her like we agreed upon, should tell her I can’t possibly be obsessive in a bad or dangerous kind of way. If I were truly a stalker or an obsesser, I wouldn’t have waited. I’d have begun to peruse her as soon as I got out of there, making up any excuse I could think of to get her attention.

TUESDAY, MAY 7, 2002
My thoughts are still frequently invaded by Teddy Bear. I wonder if there’ll ever be a day when I don’t think of her.

Yesterday’s not getting the letter returned to me for whatever reason, or a letter from her, confirmed my beliefs of her ignoring me. The top reasons I can think of as to why she blew me off are:

She’s seeing someone.

Someone said something to her about me that she didn’t like.

There’s a never-see-any-former-inmates policy that went into effect over the last year.

She decided not to bother with a married ex-con who lives an hour away.

She was the best actress I’ve ever seen or heard of, who was just playing me for a fool all along.

The much less likely scenarios are:

She was killed in an accident.

She’s laid up in the hospital due to an illness/injury.

My letter was lost in the mail.

She’s out of state on a family emergency.

Either way, if something did come up that was out of her control, she could’ve found 5 minutes to break away and call me to tell me what was going on, rather than leave me hanging and believing she doesn’t care.

All in all, I guess I’m just not meant to have a woman as a side dish. Oh well. I’ve always been totally cursed in that department and I know I can’t change fate. Teddy Bear was and always will be just a fantasy. It seems most of my life’s been based on fantasy!

I’m just glad I mailed her letter or else I’d really accuse Tom of not mailing my mail.

The doll people say the doll was mailed on the 16th. I definitely should’ve gotten it by now. I’m sick of this doll chase game I always have to play. It always has to be such a big fight to get the damn dolls here! They say to let them know in 10 more days if it hasn’t arrived and they’ll ship another doll. Right. And how long will that one take to get here?

Got a letter from Mary, requesting all her book stuff. She says she’s gonna be there another 6 months and that she wants them so that she can know what she’s covered and what she hasn’t. Wants to get on with writing more so she feels like she’s doing something.

Another printing request?! I mean, I already gave her 3 or 4 copies. Where did they all go? And doesn’t she know by now that printers aren’t reliable? Especially mine? She’ll have to wait till I get new cartridges in a few days or so when we get the stock money, but I’m sure there’ll be delays and problems with even that.

I got this letter no doubt the same day she got mine crying on her shoulder about Teddy Bear.

I know this is dishonest, but I just don’t want to visit her. I don’t want to go through the hassles of waiting forever. I don’t want the memories of her. I’ll tell her we popped in one day and that I was turned away cuz I’m still on probation. She’ll never know. Besides, there’s a damn good chance that’d happen for real.

I also told her that if she ever does see Teddy Bear again, I don’t care what she says to her. She can tell her what an asshole she is for being so low and so cold as to blow me off without a simple little explanation.

What? Is she that gutless that she couldn’t even give me an explanation?

Obviously so. And I thought she was a strong, brave person! People can really fool us. Even if we’re usually good at judging and sensing other people.

How did this woman manage to get under my skin in just 6 months? I couldn’t have seen her more than 20 times during those months.

How could she do this? Why? How? Why? How? Why? How? Why? How? That’s all that goes through my head! I just don’t get it. Here I was thrilled to finally have a mutual attraction. Well, I know Officer R. D. Johnson was attracted to me. And I know Officer R. D. Johnson did like me.

So what happened? The number one thing that comes to mind still says that she met someone she was even more attracted to and that she liked even more. Sure it’s a bummer we can’t get together for whatever reason, but couldn’t she have at least told me so? I think that the fact that she’s left me hanging hurts more than any reason she could have for not seeing me.

How I wish she’d call me up tomorrow and say, “Hey, Dawn! I was on vacation for the last week and I only just got your letter yesterday.”

But this will never happen, which makes me wish I could do what the character in my Dean Koontz book is doing. She was molested as a child by her father, and she designs virtual reality scenes. This is a technique by which a computer simulates a three-dimensional physical environment using visual and auditory stimuli and within which people can interact to affect what happens in the simulation. She creates scenes depicting different possible outcomes of the abuse. In real life, she couldn’t fight back. In one of the virtual reality scenes, she does. In another, she is killed. I don’t know why she’d create a scene killing herself, but anyway, she does this as a form of therapy.

Well, wouldn’t it be fun therapy for me if I could create various scenes where I confront Teddy Bear for hurting me, and in these various scenes, I’d get different answers as to why she led me on and blew me off? You gotta be able to draw, though, and although I can draw, I was never that great of an artist. Whenever I’d try to draw someone, it was hit or miss as to whether or not the drawing would resemble the person I wanted it to. I also haven’t drawn in a long time. I just got sick of it, I guess.

If only I’d known she was gonna do this. I just never believed she would, though. If I had known, maybe I could’ve written something in the letter about how people were blowing me off or something, and maybe that’d make her feel bad about blowing me off herself. But I wouldn’t have wanted her to come see me out of guilt, either. I’d have wanted her to come see me because she wanted to. Why the fuck did she say she would in the first place if she didn’t want to?

All these months I wondered if she thought about me and missed me as much as I did her. Well, I may never get an answer as to why she blew me off, but I sure as hell got my answer as far as her thinking/missing me!

Never ever have I been a “woman scorned” like this. Not even Kacey’s dumping me 12 years ago hurt, confused and angered me this much. Not even close.

MONDAY, MAY 6, 2002
Oh, Teddy Bear, how could you have done this to me? You stole my heart and then you broke it. I still can’t believe you, of all people, went back on your word.

Can anybody keep their word about anything? Why is it that so many people are all talk and no action? Most of what most of the people I’ve known have said has turned out to be just talk. But why? Is it just me? Or is that really just human nature for most people?

I think she’s gotta be seeing someone. Why else would she blow me off without a care in the world as if I were nothing more than yesterday’s trash? Why would she want to be all alone and lonely if she were single? I’m sure she’s with someone who isn’t married and who has a job and a car.

But what if they broke up in a few months to a year? Would she call me then, or would she feel funny calling after so long? And what would she say? That she forgot? That she just got tied up and too busy to call?

She’ll never call and I know it. I just wish I could get that woman out of my mind! I could be doing something and be focused on that for a while, then all of a sudden an image of her and something we may’ve said pops into my head. I’ll be listening to music, then we’re laughing all over again about my “dead friends.” I’ll be reading, then: “She’s only a little ugly. Call her Ronda.”

She’ll never know just how much she’s hurt me. And I never knew just how easy it could be for her to simply walk away and ignore someone she very much appeared to care for.

Does she still have the kites and pictures I gave her? If she does, it’s probably only with the hopes of helping to build a stalking case against me if I keep on writing her or manage to call her at home somehow, but of course, she’ll never hear from me again either. I can’t make her want me. I can’t make her call me. I can’t make her visit me.

When Tom checked last night, he found that they didn’t take the money for the doll till the 19th, so the end of the 10-business day thing is today. Wouldn’t it be oh so nice if Tom could go to work tonight and stop at the PO on the way back with the doll and my letter returned, saying she either no longer works there or is back at Estrella. Then I could resend the letter to Estrella or hunt her down through the white pages just to find out that she lost my address and number!

Yeah, yeah, I know. I’ll keep dreaming.

Anyway, the freeloaders didn’t have me woken up today, so that’s good. I slept till 1:15. They still could have me woken up this week. Time will tell. That’s the least of my worries right now. Right now I just want to get through this class bullshit somehow.

SUNDAY, MAY 5, 2002
I just saw this poll that was taken in 1938 on TV, asking if the public approves/disapproves of a married woman working if her husband was capable of supporting her, and 78% said they disapproved. Nowadays I’m sure 99% would approve either way. What do I think? I think people should be able to do what they want based on their own individual needs and desires.

I wish I’d sent the freeloaders’ mail before the 80s. It was around the 80s that they started overriding us whites with special treatment and extra/unfair rights. Before then, you could be caught beating the shit out of an off-brand right in front of a cop and nothing would happen to you, but now, you so much as stick your tongue out to an off-brand and you’re in for it!

It never ceases to amaze me just how much childbirth is on TV! No one would ever need a Lamaze class again if this trend keeps up. I thought by now they’d switch to highlighting other topics, but nope. The population seems to be just as obsessed with the subject as I once was. There are series galore dedicated to labor and delivery. There’s even a special on covering childbirth in 9 different countries!

Anyway, I sure felt like a fool earlier. I was in the bathroom when I heard barking. It sounded like it was definitely on this property. I went and checked, yet found nothing. A few minutes later I heard it again. Then again. It sounded too loud to be outside, yet way too soft to be from someone else’s place. I began to suspect a dog may’ve gotten under the house and was trapped inside the vents. The dog sounded like it was either a puppy or a small dog. So I got Tom up and he heard it, too. It sounded like it was underneath the living room or my office. Tom went out and pulled the skirting off in one section, but never heard or saw anything. Then he realized it was my puppy screen saver I had just loaded that was doing the barking! And also, there are speakers in both my office and the living room. As stupid as I felt, though, I was glad that that was it, cuz the last thing we would’ve needed was a dog trapped in our vents!

The renters are continuing to set up whatever the hell it is they’re setting up in front of their place. At first it looked like it could be a giant playpen, a trampoline, or a swing set, but we now think it may be a portable Arizona room. Meaning, it’s just a big tent-like screen. Nothing with solid walls with outlets for stereos or anything like that.

As usual, and as I knew would be the case, I never got the doll that I should’ve gotten last week. It’s like - aaarrrggghhh!!! Why can’t I just order a fucking doll and get it! Why must there always be a delay? It’s like something up there’s punishing me for getting dolls. But we pay for them! It’s not like we’re stealing them, so what’s the big deal? It’s like - just let me order a doll and get it! I hate to think of the hell we’re gonna have to go through to get Joy delivered to us unless we do go through JBS. Even if we do go through them, though, they’ll have a problem getting her for a while from their Kingman store.

Although yesterday was the first day I didn’t shed a tear over Teddy Bear, I thought about her on and off like I always do. What happened? Just what the hell happened? After all that was said and done between us, you mean she really doesn’t care? She makes me laugh, kicks a girl out of the pod for me, says we’ll get together, takes off her ring, and now she doesn’t care? It’s like it all may as well never have happened! Like she never existed and I never existed for her. How did we go from liking each other to being nothing at all to each other? What could’ve happened to strip her of any feelings she had for me? The woman obviously doesn’t give a damn, but how could that be? How could she not have an ounce of curiosity and not feel bad about blowing me off?

No, I certainly didn’t get my dream woman out of this jail shit. All I got was a pen pal.

For the last few years, all I’ve wanted to do was speed up time. Now, a part of me wishes I could turn back the hands of time to when I still believed Teddy Bear would be in my future.

SATURDAY, MAY 4, 2002
As vibed, no word from Teddy Bear. God, I still can’t believe she did this! And not so much as a simple little phone call or letter saying why! Well, I hope her current or next girlfriend wakes up one day, takes one look at her, and decides that giant face full of acne is worthy of the name Rhoda!

Could it be that there really was a no-contact-with-former-inmates policy enacted? Could that explain why I never heard from her or Pérez? I can see Pérez sticking to the rules if that were the case, but Teddy Bear? Wouldn’t she have at least called to explain herself, rather than so rudely left me hanging? Makes me wonder if maybe she really was killed in an accident or something. I mean, I just can’t believe she turned out to be this cold and this heartless.

Another thing I wonder is if these mice are all gonna die off just cuz they’re not going with her. Two of them died, and I got rid of two dull-looking ones as soon as I knew she was gonna blow me off. Now there’s a total of 8.

Since I no longer give a damn about my weight, I’m only going to lift weights twice a week, but I’m walking on the walker every day. That’s cuz I had Tom put my mahjong game on my MP3 computer so I could play while I walk like I was doing in Phoenix, so it’s not so damn boring. Oddly enough, it’s easier to drive the mouse with my left hand while I walk.

Because I just got new shorts and a new dress, I won’t let myself gain much weight. Meaning, I won’t worry about a few pounds, but I sure as hell won’t try to lose any. God, I’m so sick of that! I need a good long break from the diet rollercoaster. For now, I’ll just eat sensibly. Meanwhile, I’m a middle-aged person. I’m supposed to be overweight. In fact, I’m supposed to be more overweight than I am, so I think I’m doing pretty good for my age being just 15-20 pounds overweight and not 30-50.

All Scot said to me yesterday was that he’d do my progress report and see if maybe they made a mistake by ordering classes. When I asked him who was supposedly trying to say my reading comprehension skills were low and why, he said he didn’t know. He also said he didn’t know when I asked him if he thought he could get this taken care of.

So now I gotta wait and worry about this shit another two weeks unless he comes to the house when I’m home and awake with any news before I see him again. I still don’t think I’m going to get out of this shit. I still think they’re gonna demand the classes. Well, I’m sick of their fucking demands!

FRIDAY, MAY 3, 2002
I finally heard from Mary. She said something about them cutting off the phones and depriving them of envelopes for a couple of weeks, which of course, is highly illegal. But it’s a jail, so it’s ok. They can do it. They can get away with it.

She confirmed that the trial had been postponed, but didn’t say what the new date was. Maybe she doesn’t know it yet.

She’s still with Hope. Damn! That’s like - what? Six months? Wish I could’ve been with one person I got along with for the 6 months I was there, but obviously, God wanted me to meet all different kinds of people.

And to get my heart broken as well. Mary’s no doubt going to be as shocked as I am when I tell her Teddy Bear stood me up.

She shocked me by saying that Pérez finally worked in M Dorm and so she gave her my letter. This got me thinking, was she really in the tents? Tent DOs don’t do towers and dorms. At least, they didn’t in the past. Was she really ever in the tents? Could this mean that Teddy Bear may never have left Estrella and just hasn’t worked M? I doubt it, but if she is there, will they forward the letter to her or will they send it back? And once again, if she didn’t get the letter, then why isn’t she calling? Is she really that shy?

I don’t know, I still think she got the letter and is ignoring me. If I’m right, I hope her next girlfriend, if she doesn’t already have one, fucks her over good. Wouldn’t it be oh so funny if the girlfriend decided to dump her in a few months to a year, then Teddy Bear was like, damn! I should’ve called Dawn.

But I know better than to think that God would give someone a taste of their own medicine as long as it’s me they fucked over. I’m sure the girlfriend will be a regular little sweetheart.

I’ll have to ask Mary if Pérez mentioned getting my letter.

Anyway, I know I’m never going to forget the redheaded DO with the vibrant personality and the great ass. I also know there’s a damn good chance she’s done me a favor by choosing to ignore me. We would’ve only ended up getting sick of each other and maybe even fighting, too. The sex would’ve had its problems like it always does for me. Tom would’ve gotten jealous and tried putting guilt trips on me when we weren’t fighting about her. Despite my and Tom’s lack of interest in each other, I may’ve ended up feeling guilty as all hell for sleeping with her.

I just wish I knew for sure what happened! And what’s going to happen today when I see the cheeks?

Maybe Misha opened her mouth. Maybe she said something to Teddy Bear about our talks about her and that drove her away. Maybe she had a problem with some other inmate and decided against seeing any past inmates on the outs.

I wondered, could her transfer to Madison have anything to do with me? It seems silly to think it could since she left 6 or 7 months after I did, but maybe my mail to and from Mary was being monitored a lot closer than I realized and that had something to do with it. Or maybe she had a problem with some other inmate and they decided to ship her to Madison where she’d be around more males.

Oh, how could she do this to me?! She just seemed so real! So, so for real. What happened, Teddy Bear? What happened???

THURSDAY, MAY 2, 2002
All last night I went back and forth between crying over Teddy Bear and stressing over the state. I mean, how bad are we looking at here, as far as classes go? How many days a week? And how much more money are we going to lose to this shit? And what will the next demand be? That I work? Pay more money?

Anyway, I suppose I should be mad at Teddy Bear. Especially if she’s deliberately dumping me. But all I feel is shock. She’s the last person I expected this from. Her dumping me surprises me as much as it would if Tom dumped me. I don’t know, maybe there was some crisis, accident or illness going on with her or her family. But if she could get to a phone, couldn’t she have called to say it’d be a while if she had some serious shit going on with her? That way I wouldn’t be left hanging and wondering.

Maybe she’s waiting for a day off to call, but I doubt it. I mean, I don’t see why she’d need to. If she’s working first shift, she could call after work. If she’s working second shift, she could call before work. If she’s working third, she could call after she got up, assuming she goes to bed when she gets home.

When I was focusing on the pros of her ditching me, I said that at least she wouldn’t get the chance to fuck me over, but it looks like she already did. If she truly did lead me on for no reason, then she already did fuck me over. And there was no good to be had with the bad, either. Meaning that all Estrella jail was for me was one big old punishment.

Well, Tom S doesn’t need any friends, so why should I? Why should I need Teddy Bear, Mary or Paula? After all, I’m the one who says that more people in your life means more trouble.

I’m just really shocked cuz she seemed so genuine. And she was the one to bring up the getting together. I only mentioned writing. Usually, the one who brings something up first is for real. It’s the other one that may be like, “Yeah, yeah, whatever,” just going along with them, not having the heart or the guts to let the person know they’re not on the same wavelength. Yet I know I didn’t imagine her liking me. She truly did like me. No one can put on an act that well. Nor was it just my imagination that Palma and Pérez liked me either.

Isn’t she even a little bit curious? I thought I wrote a letter that’d really entice her to keep her word. I mentioned the book, for example, so isn’t she even the tiniest bit curious about checking that out? And although I told her she doesn’t have to feel obligated to take the mice, doesn’t she feel a bit bad knowing I tried to breed the kind she likes and that I have these mice waiting for her? Can she really be that cold to just suddenly up and not care? And if that’s the case, once again, why is she doing this to me? Maybe the intro to the Estrella saga I so stupidly sent in did get called to her attention before it was given to Mary, I don’t know.

I thought this whole thing made sense; why I was destined to go to jail besides to be punished by a God who hates my guts, but now, nothing in life seems to make sense, and if I thought trusting people was hard in the past - well - now I’m really gonna have a hard time buying what anyone says.

Judging by when the vibes faded, she must have made the decision to back out at the last minute. Either something I said in my letter scared her off or something happened right when she got the letter, causing her to be either unwilling or unable to contact me.

I don’t know, maybe she did fall in love with me. Maybe, after having time to reflect on it, she decided her feelings were too strong for a married person this far away. Whatever the reason, though, it’d be nice if she’d called and offered some kind of explanation, thanking me anyway for the mice. Even if she decided I was fat and ugly, it’s a shame she doesn’t have the guts to tell me so.

Maybe she decided she didn’t want to see me back when she dyed her hair. I was going to dye my hair too, but once I learned that she liked it as it is, I decided not to. Well, why would she dye her hair, knowing I liked her just the way she was? And she did this right around the time Ida was there and when the intro was sent in.

So what’s next, I wonder? Do I just live a life of celibacy, cleaning the house, writing in journals, and catering to the state of Arizona?

Anyway, I decided that unlike with my stomach, the zapper wasn’t making a difference with my thighs, so I quit shocking them.

The renters have what appears to be either some big playpen or a trampoline set up in front.

Later…

Tom’s up now and should be going to work in an hour or so. I made the mistake of expressing my shock over Teddy Bear’s dumping me, and my worries about tomorrow’s trip to the cheeks. This is cuz he tends to either play down or argue my stresses and concerns, making me feel like I’m a fool for feeling the way I do, or am being unreasonable for feeling the way I do. After the way I’ve been railroaded by this system and so many people throughout my life, how can he expect me not to have the fears and worries I do? I’d really wonder about myself if I weren’t paranoid and if I were a trusting person. Helen says this is normal, but he seems to think the way I feel is silly. At least that’s the impression I get at times.

He tells me, “It’s only been 3 days. You’re jumping the gun and not being fair. People don’t just drop everything the instant you contact them.”

Well, my logic and my vibes tell me she’s not going to contact me. I’ll never know for sure why, but I think it’s safe to assume she changed her mind or never planned on contacting me in the first place.

I wonder how Tom feels about her not contacting me. Somehow I get the feeling he’s glad. After I got out of jail, I had jokingly said he’d be elated if she didn’t show up, fully expecting him to deny this, but he said absolutely nothing in his defense, leading me to believe he really might feel that way for real.

Maybe the only way to survive in this world really is to be like everyone else and not be myself. Maybe I should put on acts for people, even if it means being phony and even a liar. After all, we’re all liars of convenience anyway. We lie when it suits us to do so. Like when the guy doing the mental health screening asked if I had any violent thoughts. Like I was really gonna say that I did?! I used to believe that honesty was the best policy, but now I really believe that saying what’s best is the best policy, whether or not it’s true. Sometimes, not saying anything at all is a good thing, too. Why tell anyone anything at all unless they absolutely need to know it? Maybe we’re all supposed to say we’re gonna do things we know we’re not gonna do. Maybe it’s normal to say we want things we aren’t the least bit interested in. But what am I supposed to do? Say I want to start collecting stamps cuz I don’t? Say yes to Tom if he asks me if I want to start playing softball? Hell, I don’t even look like your average 36-year-old. So does that mean I should cut my hair to my shoulders even if I decide I no longer want to? Should I gain 20-30 pounds?

Later…

Is God teasing me, or what? This is the second evening in a row where the phone’s rung, my heart starts pounding with a sliver of hope and excitement as I race to the phone, only to find it’s a fucking sales call. And ironically, one was to con money off of people for slain cops.

Why did God let me get as far as I did with Teddy Bear if he knew she’d leave me hanging in the end? Just to take yet another stab at me? Does he love seeing me hurt that much?

I don’t know, maybe she decided work was too important to her to fit me into her busy life. With the way she said she had two jobs and was superwoman looking to get into yet a whole new business, maybe she’s married to her job. Maybe that’s her number one in life. Especially with the way she’s such a “dedicated professional.”

Maybe there are new rules now saying no contact ever with former inmates, which would be wrong, of course. Who the hell are they to tell their employees who they can associate with when they’re off duty? I would think that had she cared enough, she’d have been willing to bend the rules a bit if that rule had been changed. I never even thought there ever even was a 1-year rule on that to begin with. Maybe she just said that, hoping that I’d forget about her by then cuz she never really wanted to see me.

But then why did she act so interested? Why did she mention getting together and getting mice from me?

I’ll obviously never know. For all I know, she was fired and is no longer a county employee. Or maybe she was killed in a car accident.

Right now I feel like I’m looking at a tough life ahead of me, always wondering every day for the rest of my life whatever became of her. It’s a depressing thought, too. I’ll never even know her name. Was she Rachel? Was she Rebecca? What would’ve happened had we gotten together? Would we have got it on with each other? How would it have been? How often would it have happened?

It’s a case of forbidden lust for me, just like always. I mean, yes I was attracted to Kacey and Ann Marie, but not like with Teddy Bear.

Oh, Teddy Bear, how could you do this to me? And why?!

What if they threw the letter away? They’re not supposed to, but if she’s not working there, some might find it easier, with all the pieces of mail they’ve got to go through, to simply ditch it, rather than have it returned to me or forwarded to wherever she is.

What if the letter’s been lost or misdelivered and she’s too shy to call me? What if she lost my number? Anything’s possible, but she seems a little too responsible to have lost it.

And to think that I may find out tomorrow that I’m going to be forced to interact with yet even more people is pretty depressing, too. If I do agree to this class shit, and I may not, depending on how often it is and all that, I’ll know better this time than to agree to get together with anyone. I won’t even talk to anyone other than to try to con money out of them.

I still feel like I’m always going to be at the mercy of society and its control as long as I live! I know it’s only a matter of time before God forces me to be around people.

Some of the Mexicans next door were out taking an evening stroll. They were walking up Ralston when I spotted them, then they headed onto their land. I saw a large black dog, a small black dog, a little boy on a bike, and a young woman in her late teens to early twenties.

It’s that time of year when we hear this loud buzzing out there. It’s pretty scary. Tom says he doesn’t think it’s bees. Sure sounds like it to me, though. He says he’ll hunt for hives. If there are hives, there are sprays that allow you to spray them from long distances.

WEDNESDAY, MAY 1, 2002
I checked online and couldn’t find any updates on Mary. Even so, there’s a chance that the trial could be over and she could be in Florida now, but I doubt it. I sent her a letter hoping to get some answers, but I won’t write again until I hear from her. It’s been over a month since I heard from her.

Tom said there’s this really cool thing that puts bright pink streaks in your hair. Some girl at work had it in her hair. It’s a dye you brush through and into your hair that’s supposed to glow under black light. She says they sell it everywhere for just $6.

Our stock finally sold, so I guess we’ll be calling around, getting info about Joy as to where the best place to get her will be. I still think JBS will be way too expensive for her, and for stands.

We’re gonna get caught up on the house payments till we fall behind again in a month or two, put extra aside for when something breaks in a month or two, then I guess he’s gonna go ahead and get himself new glasses, too. He doesn’t use contacts anymore cuz they damaged his eyes. Back when he wore them for a week or two straight, they didn’t know that depriving the eye of oxygen like that caused damage.

I’m getting closer and closer to needing glasses myself. How sad. I didn’t think I’d need them till my 40s or 50s.

As for Teddy Bear, if she doesn’t call today, I’ll wonder about her. If she doesn’t call tomorrow, I’ll wonder even more. If she doesn’t call by the weekend, I’ll really wonder about her. For all I know, she could’ve been off Monday or Tuesday, or even on vacation. If not, she should’ve gotten the letter Monday, assuming she is at Madison, or the letter was forwarded to wherever she is. As long as she’s a county employee, I would think she’d get the letter and that it would’ve been returned to me by now if there was a problem getting it to her. At least I don’t have to sit and wonder whether or not the letter was even mailed.

If I don’t get the letter back and I don’t hear from her, then I’ll probably think she changed her mind. I’ll think that either by herself, or with the influence of a friend, decided not to bother with a married ex-con. Either that or I was just a game she was playing while I was in there.

Later…

Surprisingly enough, yet sure enough, vibes of Teddy Bear calling and seeing me are fading. If I’m right, I hope she has a good reason for leading me on and dumping me. Despite the fact that so many people are all talk and no action, I’m really surprised. She seemed so for real.

It’s too soon, you’re jumping the gun, I tell myself, yet I cried for a while there anyway. I just think she’d have called by now. I don’t know, maybe she’s biding her time so as not to appear desperate, but I really think that for some reason, she changed her mind. Now I’ll have more things to wonder about besides her name and things like that. Now I’ll always wonder why she decided not to contact me. Did Ida trash me to her before she left Estrella? Did she meet someone?

Guess I was wrong in assuming the letter would be returned by now if there was a delivery problem. Tom said it’d take about a week. He worked at the post office, so I take his word for it.

I’m analyzing, in my mind, different reasons why I believe different possibilities could be the case. The only thing that suggests she was never into me the way I was with her is the fact that she told me to wait a year. Well, I’d think that if you really liked someone that much, be it intimately or not, you wouldn’t wait. I mean, who’d have known about us? Did she think the sergeant or someone would follow her to see if she had any contact with any former inmates? Did she think they’d follow me to see if I’d have contact with any DOs? Take Mary, for example. Being the unpaid county employee that this state has forced me to be, I’m supposed to not have any contact with anyone with a record, yet she contacted me, and I said “fuck it” to the rules. Some rules were meant to be broken.

If she really cared and if she really liked me, I’d think that she’d have called right before the 29th, not knowing that I know she left Estrella.

It’s a damn good thing I’m learning she’s ditched me now, rather than during the first 4 months or so after my release cuz it would’ve hit me a lot harder back then.

So of all the different possible theories I’ve had, the one where I said, “If God wouldn’t allow me Miss Right in the past, why would he now?” is turning out to be the case. We weren’t meant to be, obviously, or else we’d have met before I met Tom. But why did God let us even get as far as we did back in jail? Just to play with my head? Just to tease me and set me up?

Well, I have no regrets about meeting and marrying Tom, but I’d have preferred it if she could’ve been a part of my life, too. But, since she won’t be, all I can do is look at the positives to it. I won’t have to worry that she’ll be disappointed in me for staying fat. I won’t have to worry about her coming between Tom and I, even if it wasn’t intentional. I won’t have to worry that she’s really some psycho who may end up using and abusing the law against me.

So, instead of spending some of my free time with Teddy Bear, it looks like I’ll be spending it with dumb criminals in these so-called classes.

Later…

I forgot to say that Tom found an ancient backup of some of the stuff I was missing. I was missing 6 months of 1993 and we found half of it. I’m still missing 4/22-5/21 and 8/18-10/22.

It’s too soon. She could’ve had Monday and Tuesday off and just got back to work a few hours ago to find your letter waiting there for her.

Uh-uh. That’s not what my vibes say. And my vibes are rarely wrong when it comes to negative things. I’ll still keep her DOC file and her JPG file for a while. Then I’ll delete it. I think I’ll change my screen name of Feisty Dawn to something else, too.

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Last updated July 12, 2024