April 2002 in 2000s

TUESDAY, APRIL 30, 2002
It looks like Scot will be skipping April altogether, as far as seeing me here goes, but we’ll know for sure in a few hours. I kind of doubt I’ll see him before Friday.

I should’ve seen my doll by now, and I’m really sick of this shit! Why can’t I just order a doll and get it? It was in stock, they took the money for it, so where is it? I emailed them and asked them the same question. I should get a response any sec. It’s an hour earlier in California, but it shouldn’t be long.

These rats are still so “Ladylike.” If they haven’t calmed down yet, then they probably never will. They simply came from the wrong mother.

Surprisingly, I slept till 6 AM. Is that a sign? I still say it’s too early for her to be calling today, but time will tell.

Sheriff Joe was on TV yesterday, making a complete fool of himself on a jail/prison documentary. Especially to those who know him for what he truly is. He was bragging about the millions he’s made in “rent,” and all the people he serves, and I was like, “serves?” Try “control,” you bastard!

There’s this women’s prison in California and their Ad-Seg area is quite different than Estrella’s. Theirs is basically the hole where the troublemakers go. Estrella’s is supposed to be for those in fear for their safety, but it’s really for those who don’t want to work for free. Especially if they didn’t get a two-for-one.

I saw Officer Sunday and some other officers when they were showing the chain gang. Most of the focus was on the tents, though.

Once again I’m wondering, would taking the classes for any reason be the right thing to do if Scot says they won’t drop it? I just don’t want to be sending the wrong message and leading them to believe I’ll just jump to their every beck and call, cuz I won’t. It’s just that I think I can get some money out of these classes, but if 6 months from now they want something else, they can forget it. I’m not a robot for the state of Arizona. I still wouldn’t put it past them to push the job issue at some point or demand more money, either.

During my fine-tuning of the 1992-1993 file, I noticed 6 months were missing. The period between 4/22/93-10/22/93. So, I had mixed emotions when Tom said he may have an old backup. The purpose of my encrypting my journals is so no one can read them without my permission, so if he has decrypted copies lying around, that’d defeat the purpose, wouldn’t it? However, in light of the situation, I hope he does have that time period somewhere. If not, I’ll insert a note in the area those entries should be in, covering everything I can remember happening during that time frame.

MONDAY, APRIL 29, 2002
I went online yesterday to see if that Arab doll was sold out. She wasn’t. Then I noticed their new Brazilian doll named Carmencita and was like - wow! Like the Arab doll, she’s $40. She’s also full-body porcelain and wears what looks to be a 2-piece bathing suit with a colorful cape and hideous headdress. I don’t have to use the headdress, though. Anyway, it’s quite different than anything else I’ve got. I guess I won’t be getting Blossom, the fairy that goes with Twinkle. Right now, my top two choices are the Brazilian and the Arab doll, but we won’t be ordering till July.

Then I had an idea. Maybe this class bullshit is a good thing after all. Maybe it’s a money-making opportunity. See, I’d be taking classes with criminals, particularly Hispanics. Hispanics who would be charmed by this white girl’s broad knowledge of Spanish and who would be happy to loan her a few bucks here and there. Criminals are one of the easiest people to con since most of them are so stupid. I could use them the way I did with Nervous, asking them to please spot me a $10 here and a $10 there, promising to pay them back as soon as I can. Meanwhile, it wouldn’t be anything that could get me thrown in jail, and knowing how fucked up most of society is, I know I could do this without feeling guilty.

I can’t give in to this state’s every demand, though. This class bullshit is one thing, but if 6 months from now they decide they want something else, they’re not getting it. Period. I will put my foot down then, so help me God. And if I find that this class bullshit’s not making me some money, I’ll drop it like a hot potato and there’ll be no classes, no Scot, no money payments, no nothing. Meanwhile, I’m hoping I can con enough money to get a doll or two before July.

And so it was one year ago at this very moment that I returned home to a dying Houdini.

And I’m still fat and the freeloaders are still a part of my life.

Meanwhile, Teddy Bear should get my letter today if she’s working, though I don’t expect to hear from her today. I hope not. I’d hate to crash at 6 PM just to have her call an hour later. I slept till midnight, so I’m going to try to stay up till 6:00, then come Tuesday, I should be able to cover the phone during the late afternoon/early evening hours.

What am I gonna do with myself for the next 11½ hours? Guess I’ll do more fine-tuning. I’m amazed at just how many errors there are in these journals. These were supposed to have been spellchecked and proofread, too. I could also read or watch TV, but not until the end of my day. Doing that tires me out. I could work out too, but I don’t really feel like it.

After deciding the benefits weren’t worth all the work, I haven’t been running much lately. A part of me is so tempted to cut my hair off, eat what I want, and to hell with even maintaining my weight, but I know that if I did that, I’d bust out of my new shorts and sundress in less than a month. So, I guess I’ll just cut my hair off, but not yet. I’m still not sure whether or not I want to trim a few inches or cut it to my shoulders. I’ll probably cut it to my shoulders cuz I’m just so sick of it. It’s always tangled, full of static, and it’s just a bitch to deal with. If it were thin and straight, that’d be one thing, but thick curls to one’s ass is a bit much.

In less than 4 hours I have to give my life back to the freeloader.

SUNDAY, APRIL 28, 2002
You could say I’ve been both pissed as well as grateful to Tom over the last couple of days. I’m grateful for his putting a faster board in my MP3 computer, but I’m sick of his moodiness and his misinterpreting me so much of the time. You’d think that after 9 years of knowing each other, he’d know me better by now, but he’s constantly misunderstanding the things I say. And he seems to be less and less patient and more and more frustrated with me when I myself don’t understand him right away.

I’m also getting sick of the controlling lately, too. He seems less tolerant of my ways these days. He’s always complaining about something I’ve said or done. He interrupts me when I see Scot, gives me disapproving looks a lot, and has been making me feel like nothing I do or say is right.

Yesterday’s trip to the grocery store was a disaster. All I got was “Slow down, come here, settle down, don’t run, don’t yell, do this, do that,” and I was like - I’m not a fucking yo-yo!

“Are you trying to lose me?” I asked him in the car on the way back from the store.

“You can leave me anytime you want. I’m sick of your threats,” he said.

“I never threatened to leave you.”

“Isn’t that what this is about?”

“No,” I told him, “I simply made a comment, an observation.”

And so I wonder - does he really not get me? Am I really all that bad? Do I really turn him off that much? Or is he purposely doing little things to try to lose me?

Maybe I was wrong in assuming he had nothing to do with my not desiring him sexually these days. I still believe the main reason is that I simply got sick of the same old, same old. What was once new and exciting is now old news, but maybe part of the reason I’ve been turned off really does have to do with his own apparent lack of interest.

Despite the fact that I’ve told him that I loved Teddy Bear in addition to him and not instead of him, how much of this is related to her? Does he really think I’m not approachable because of my feelings for her, or is it just his own lack of interest he can’t admit to?

I had assumed it was his own lack of interest cuz he never had much of an interest from the get-go. Ever since I’ve known him he’s been the way he is. In the beginning, I was the only one who wanted sex regularly, but through time, his lack of desire dampened mine, then it just got old anyway, as I’m sure it would with anyone. Lots of people feel the way I do after so many years. I know we’re not alone in that department, as far as no longer wanting sex goes. Nonetheless, I can’t snap my fingers and make myself want it with him, and truthfully, I wouldn’t if I could. I wouldn’t want someone who didn’t want me. Meanwhile, this doesn’t mean I’m going to stay celibate forever. If an opportunity to have sex with Teddy Bear arises, I’m gonna just go with the flow of it if it’s meant to be.

I still want Tom to be my number one and for us to always be together, but I certainly haven’t been as happy with him as I’d like to be lately. If he could be a little more patient and tolerant of me and not get agitated over the questions I may ask, even if they seem dumb, then I’d try to put on the public act he wants me to put on. He wants me to “act like everyone else” in public, but you know me; I’ve always been adamant about being myself. But if it would make him happy to see me kiss a little ass, then I guess I could compromise.

Meanwhile, her letter’s been mailed. Whether or not she gets it and calls, who knows? My guess is that she’ll call between the 3rd and 5th if she does call. I should be excited. I mean, I thought I’d be excited come letter time, but I don’t really feel much of anything at all. I know that whatever’s meant to be will be. I just hope it doesn’t turn out that I’m making a mistake. I don’t have any bad vibes, but you never know. She could fuck me over, or Tom could get jealous and try putting guilt trips on me. I know things have changed and evolved since, but look at all the shit he put me through over Kim, and I wasn’t even attracted to her. So there’s no saying how he’ll handle me associating with someone he knows I’m attracted to.

It’s hard to believe the time has finally come. To think that she could be here within a week or two is like - wow! There’s still a small part of me that hopes I don’t hear from her, but more so than not, I hope she does call and I hope we get together. And yes, I hope there’s sex, too. What will it be like, I wonder? Will it be a great experience? Just so-so? Will I be plagued with guilt, or will I enjoy every moment of it? Will I feel like what I’m doing is wrong? Will I feel like an adulteress? Or will I be with her and her only when we’re together, enjoy every minute of it, and not worry about Tom?

And what about her? Will she not want to see me all that often? Will she fall in love with me? Will she wish I’d move in with her or will she be glad to have her space when I’m not there?

Has she been alone all this time? Is she alone right now?

Is she still at Madison? Will she get the letter? If she doesn’t call me, what will her reasons be for not calling? Will it be because she met someone? Will it be because she decided not to get involved with a former inmate? A married woman?

Did she ever drive through this area? Has she seen the house?

If we do get together, how often will we do so? What will our relationship entail and be like? How long will it go on?

Questions, questions, questions! And despite the risks, I want some answers, Officer R. D. Johnson!

I’m still going to make her the offer of moving onto our land, but I still think it’ll be too far from work. Also, the more I think about it, the more I don’t think it’d be a good idea for her to live here, cuz if she did go bad, then we’d have to live with her just like we had to live with the freeloaders. I’d like to think she wouldn’t stoop so low as to forbid me the right to ignore her, but still, it may not be a wise or safe idea to have her so close. Especially someone in law enforcement. We’d also get less money when we went to sell someday, but I’d like to see her move closer, like maybe the center of town.

If we did get it on with each other, no, I wouldn’t tell Tom about it simply because he wouldn’t need to know about it. Whether or not he suspected we were playing around, he wouldn’t need to hear about it. The same would be the case for me if he had a side dish. I’d still love him and want to be with him, but he need not share the details with me. Then again, if he really wanted to, not that he’d be the type, it wouldn’t kill me to hear about it, cuz I know I’d always be his number one just like he’ll always be my number one. Nonetheless, as the law, Tom and life itself have taught me, sometimes it’s best to say/not say what’s best, rather than to come clean and be honest. We’re all liars of convenience. When it’s in our best interest to lie, we do, though I’m not going to lie to Tom. I just won’t say anything at all.

Just like I predicted, no doll this week, though I should’ve been here by Friday. See, I knew the PO would fuck up if the doll was in stock. They probably misdelivered it and had to reroute it back to me like they did when I got the first 4 dolls from them in January. They did take the money for the doll, though, so that has to mean she is on her way. She should be here tomorrow.

It seems I spend my time either trying to get myself to sleep at certain times or pushing myself to stay up as long as possible. Last night I managed to sleep till 11 PM, so I’m going to try to stay up till at least 5 PM, then sleep till 1 AM. If she calls, it’ll probably be between the late afternoon - early evening hours. Once I’m getting up between 3 AM - 4 AM, I can be up during that time. I also won’t have to worry about the cheeks waking me up, should he pop in this week.

SATURDAY, APRIL 27, 2002
I started to write about how bored I’ll be now that I’m not going to be doing this, but caught myself just in time. After all, I learned the hard way that bitching in my journal about boredom is asking for trouble. For some reason, God seems to think that my boredom should be cured with trouble.

I just wish my schedule wasn’t what it is, but again, I’ll leave Teddy Bear to fate. If we’re fated to meet, she’ll be fated to call, and I’ll be fated to get that call.

FRIDAY, APRIL 26, 2002
My schedule is in a horrible position for it being time to send the letter. But I suppose that if it’s meant to be, I’ll be fated to get her phone call if she calls. Worst case scenario - she keeps calling and I keep missing her calls and she leaves no number to call her back, then she gives up.

Tomorrow was the last time I saw her one year ago. My vibes still say I’ll see her. At least, that’s what I think they’re saying. I’ve been on a bad streak lately. I hope that doesn’t mean I’m wrong in saying that the class vibes have improved. Anyway, I’m really gonna have a flood of mixed emotions if I don’t see her. I’ll be both sad and relieved. Sad because I really loved her and wanted to see her and get to know her. Relieved cuz she won’t have to see how fat I still am or ever get the chance to fuck me over.

Anyway, I’ll probably be mailing the letter today when we do the grocery shopping.

They’ve taken the money for the doll but haven’t emailed us about it, so I guess that means she’s in stock and on her way.

I’m gonna be so stressed out right before I see Scot! I just want to know either way and get it over with. The sooner I know if someone’s fucking with me, the sooner I can figure out what to do about it.

After whatever happens with this shit, what will God have me getting all worked up over next? And if the freeloaders are ever out of our lives someday, what will our next long-term problem be? How many years will it go on? Who will it involve? How much money will it cost us? And will it cost me my freedom?

THURSDAY, APRIL 25, 2002
I couldn’t hold my schedule any longer, so I’m doing a rollover. I also did some rat rearranging and kicked Lady out. She was just too spastic for me. I once again put the 5 girls in the new cage, but one of them got out. So, I put her and another one back in the tank so she’d have some company. So far, the 3 that are left in the big cage are still there.

We’ve both learned the consequences of turning the other cheek, being too nice, and not fighting back. So, when the stupid idiots at work kept fucking up and ruining Tom’s night, he wrote them up. While we’re on the subject of “would’ve, could’ve, should’ve,” I totally regret not beating the snot out of the black bitch when she came screaming at me at our door. That’s when I should’ve got her. She’d have been on our property and I’d have claimed self-defense. With her being black and with God protecting her, it may not have gotten her tossed in jail, but it might’ve helped keep me out of jail. A report saying she came over and attempted to attack me would’ve looked really good.

I was watching a show about people who sued pig departments for harming or killing their loved ones in high-speed chases. And over the dumbest things, too. One poor girl had to die cuz it was oh so important to a pig that the person they were chasing dimmed their lights. Pigs are so hell-bent on control that they’d gladly kill innocent bystanders just to conquer and capture someone, even if it’s for the dumbest reasons.

Pigs and courts need to learn that they just can’t always win. They simply can’t get their way all the time, and they need to learn when to pull back and either wait a situation out or cut their losses and admit defeat. They’re simply not God, and no, they just can’t do whatever the hell they want with anyone they want. There’s a time to be persistent and there’s a time to bow out gracefully.

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 24, 2002
My stomach is flatter than it has been for a while, partly thanks to the Ab Force. I’m really amazed that it could do this! I’ve begun zapping my thighs as well. I just wish I could zap this giant face and neck off, too! I’m holding steady weight-wise at 119 pounds.

No mail from Pérez or Mary, so hopefully I’ll at least get my doll this week without any problems. I guess my not hearing from Mary has to do with trial stress. I’ll have to try to remember to look online to see when the new trial date is. I’m pretty sure she’s still at Estrella, though.

This Saturday I offered to do the grocery shopping along with him, even though it’ll be a nightmare. That way, I can mail Teddy Bear’s letter from there and be sure it got mailed. I’m not saying Tom didn’t mail Pérez or Rule’s letter, but I can never know for sure. I wasn’t there.

Tom said that this class thing has nothing to do with the judge and that the judge is out of it. All he did was accept the DA’s ludicrous recommendation. It’s up to the probation department to make the adjustment, and he also reminded me that just because it says I have to do something, like work or take classes, doesn’t mean I have to do it.

But why a year and a half into this shit are they bringing it up? Is this just a case of God wanting me to get all worried for nothing? And when am I ever not going to have to have some steady bullshit going on that requires regular appointments? It’s like something wants to keep me going out regularly. First it was for the ear, then the teeth, now the freeloaders. What long-term problem comes after the freeloaders that I’ll be powerless to fight?

This weekend Tom’s going to give me a different computer to use as my MP3 computer. One that’s as fast as my work one. That’ll be nice to have. I’m sick of how slow the one I’ve got right now is and I’m sick of the damn thing crashing.

We’re also recording all the old edit and convo tapes into his computer for him to burn onto a CD. All those tapes can fit onto one CD in MP3 format. There’ll be 5 tapes, but a CD can hold up to 30.

Our stock finally sold, so we’re going to get caught up with house payments and bills, put a little extra aside for the next breakage crisis within the next few months, and get glasses for him and Joy for me. I’m not sure if we’ll be going through JBS Dolls or someone else online. I doubt JBS cuz they’re just too outrageously expensive. I’d really rather try to get her assembled. I can make her an outfit, and if I can’t, she’d be easy to buy something for because she won’t have any stuffing in her arms as Jade does.

MONDAY, APRIL 22, 2002
Got my period this morning. I mean, I guess I did. I don’t have any cramps, but my tit pain’s down. It’s weird, though, cuz I’m not flowing, yet I’m not just spotting either.

Lady’s not pregnant, so that means that either Little Buddy and Sneezy are sterile, or complications arose when Lady gave birth, preventing her from ever getting pregnant again. What’s weird about Lady is that although she’s quicker to run from you than Sneezy, she’s also quicker to come up to you. Sneezy won’t run away as easily, but he sure as hell won’t come up to you either.

I’m more tired today than I was yesterday. Yesterday, I dragged myself out of bed a couple of hours earlier than I’d have liked to. Half the time, 8 hours of sleep is nothing to me. 8 hours just won’t cut it. Sometimes it does, but I usually need 9-11 hours of sleep. So last night I went to bed a couple of hours earlier hoping to catch up, but I awoke after just 7 hours of sleep. Guess I can thank the freeloaders for a part of it. Between the mental anguish over them and stressing out over this class bullshit, and thoughts of Teddy Bear, I’m rather restless.

If Teddy Bear does contact me, I just hope I don’t live to regret it. I’m so torn between wanting to live out my fantasy of being with her and wanting to love and stay with Tom forever! It isn’t just Teddy Bear fucking me over that’s a possibility. What if I fuck my own self over by leaving Tom for her, then live to regret it? I’d like to think I wouldn’t be that heartless, stupid and chancy since I could literally be throwing away my whole life if I were to go with her and end up getting dumped with no means of support or roof over my head. Also, I twinge with such sorrow and guilt when I think of leaving Tom all alone and lonely. Yeah, he’s a big boy. But he’s also human. Could I really live with myself then? For the rest of my life, could I really live with always wondering where he is, what his life’s like, who he’s with, etc.? Yeah, life’s all about taking chances, but could I risk having a home, medical insurance, financial support, and someone who fully loves and accepts me as I am? Could I really throw all that away for this woman? Could I love her more than I love Tom and feel even more secure with her?

No, I just don’t see how that’d be possible.

But I also don’t see how I could just ignore her and not settle my curiosity. Not only do I want to keep my word about the mice, but I want to see just what would happen between us if anything at all. Maybe she won’t be as good of a person as I thought she’d be. Maybe I won’t be attracted to her like I was before. Maybe she’s taken, maybe she’s dead, maybe she’ll never contact me. Maybe, maybe, maybe. I just don’t want to wonder about these things, I want to find out the answers to my many questions. Like, what is her first name? What’s her life like? Who is Officer R. D. Johnson and what role, if any, will she play in my life? That’s what I want to know.

Well, in less than an hour, I have to give my life back to the freeloaders, so I’m gonna sign off and get this encrypted. Just because Scot had a slight soft spot for me last week, doesn’t mean I’m safe from any surprise house tosses, and yes, I’m going to keep these encrypted. Nothing I say here is anyone’s business unless I choose to make it their business.

I’m doing a rat experiment. Once again, I put the female babies in the new cage, but this time they’re in with mom and a wooden burrow to hide under. I was thinking that maybe they’d stay there this time around, but we’ll see. I thought Lady was going to kill them at first, the way she pinned them and had them squealing, but I guess she was just checking everybody out to see who was who.

For the first time in ages, I feel a little depressed. This began yesterday. Maybe it’s PMS or maybe it’s cuz I do feel a bit guilty for loving Teddy Bear. I know I shouldn’t, though, since we can’t help our feelings. I have no more control over loving either Tom or Teddy Bear anymore than I have any control over liking disco music and coffee ice cream.

Who knows, though? Maybe, if we do meet, I’ll discover that I don’t really love her and that I only thought I did. Or maybe I will and she’ll do something to snuff that love out. Or maybe I’ll just never see her again. I never thought I’d say this, but a part of me hopes I don’t. That way there could never be any potential conflicts or tough decisions to make. Or maybe I’ll leave it up to Tom. I’m used to others making my decisions for me anyway, so perhaps I’ll just give him the letter to mail and let him decide whether or not to mail it. See, if I have him take me to mail it, he wouldn’t stop me. And when I ask him what I should do, he tells me I have to be the one to decide. Well, if I’m not with him when he’s mailing the letter, that’ll give him an opportunity to have some say in the matter without my knowing it. If he ditched her letter, all I could do was suspect he didn’t mail it, but I couldn’t prove it and he’d know it.

It’s weird being kind of down after so long. I mean, I’m not bawling my eyes out in tears. I’m sure part of it really is PMS, along with being tired. It’s just that usually, if I’m in a bad mood, it’s cuz I’m either pissed, stressed out or both. I’d rather that, though, than be sad.

SUNDAY, APRIL 21, 2002
I’m having conflicting Teddy Bear thoughts. First Tom and I were arguing over freeloader-related shit, which seems to be what the bulk of our arguments pertain to. First it was sex and babies and now it’s the freeloaders.

Anyway, I still worry that a relationship with Teddy Bear may cause friction within my relationship with Tom. Not necessarily cuz of anything she may do, but cuz of him. He tells me I’m in love with someone else now and that I’m “unapproachable” as far as either hugs or sex goes. Well, yes I love Teddy Bear, but that doesn’t detract from my love for him, and how have I been unapproachable? As I told him, I’m available to him, I always have been, I always will be, so if I’m unapproachable, it’s only cuz he doesn’t want to approach me.

As far as my mixed emotions about Teddy Bear are concerned - well - of course it’d be easier not to bother with her and take any chances of her fucking me over in any way, but could I really live with myself and be ok with it if I dumped her? No, I couldn’t. I made a deal with her. I said I was going to breed mice for her, and we agreed to get together. Therefore, I think I should at least keep my end of the bargain and let her be the one to pull out if she wants to. Also, I really do miss her and want to see her.

SATURDAY, APRIL 20, 2002
Still stressing over this class bullshit. This is the same stress I went through in jail. I knew I couldn’t have had these worries and bad vibes for nothing. I just didn’t know it’d take this long. Just why did they wait a year after my release to push this class bullshit? And once they see I have a diploma, are they going to push work on me instead in the name of control? Next thing I know my original fear will become a reality and they’ll be demanding that we move!

After having more time to reflect on it, I fear they won’t drop it because judges don’t change their minds as to what they’ve ordered. They simply don’t do that. It’s an ego thing. And if they don’t push the classes, they’ll just do something else. Remember, it’s a power thing, too. To them, making me pay the monthly fee and report twice a month isn’t enough control over my activities. They don’t just want to rip me off and make me pop in a couple of times a month, they want to control my life. And so does something up there. Once again, the more I go one way, the more I’m pushed the other. It’s like it wants me out of the house more often, yet I don’t want to be out of the house more often, damn it! Not unless it’s to see Teddy Bear. I just want to be left alone to live my life in peace and as I see fit. Who the fuck does this state think it is by trying to parent me around as if I were a child!

Sometimes I believe that the only way to escape society’s bullshit and the system’s abuse would be to literally drop dead. Being dead is the only way I could ever be free, but you know what, I’m not going to stress over this crap anymore cuz I’m not taking any classes. Period. This state is going to learn that no, it just can’t push people around whenever the hell they happen to feel like it. I’m going to put my foot down and stand firmly by what’s right. There’s what the so-called law says, then there’s what’s right. Well, it’s time to do what’s right in the case of Jodi S. Most of what I’ve done, paid, or where I’ve gone has been freeloader-influenced since ‘96, and it’s got to stop. It’s got to stop and I realize now more than ever that the only one who can make it stop is me. These people and the hold they’ve had on me aren’t going to go away on their own. It’s up to me to break the tie between me and the freeloaders. I swear, they’re either gonna end up driving me to my death or running me out of this house!

When I told Tom I was convinced Pérez never got my letter, he suggested that maybe she didn’t write back because they changed their policy about contacting former inmates.

Could be, but I doubt it. And I also doubt she would ignore my simple request and not write back. She was too nice to just brush me off like that. Again, I’m wondering if Tom mailed the letter to both her and Rule for fear of it causing us any problems. If he did, and if his suggestion is truly the case, then what about Teddy Bear? What? Is God up there saying, “No, I don’t want you out with Teddy Bear cuz that’s what you want? I want you taking classes.”

Well, I may not get my way in the end with Teddy Bear, but neither will God. My life is my life. It belongs to me and I’m the one that’s going to take charge of it.

We put a room-darkening shade up in the retreat and two light-filtering shades in the bathroom. That’ll help with the cooling costs a bit more.

I still can’t believe someone had the stupidity to actually think my reading comprehension skills were low. I just don’t see how anyone could’ve concluded that, but even if they were, that’d be my problem and up to me to do something about it, not the state of Arizona.

Besides the fact that I wouldn’t waste our time, money, and gas going to court just to lose, I couldn’t stomach seeing those freeloaders again. I couldn’t restrain myself from pouncing on them.

“They have a right to be notified and to have some say in it,” Scot said when we were talking about the petition.

Yeah, I know. They’ve been having some say in my life since 1996. They’ve been having a lot of say in it.

Well, either way, time will tell if this class bullshit is either a fuck-up or a fuck over, and whether or not I’ll continue on with the probation. Right now the ball’s in their court, literally, so it’s up to them. My actions will depend on theirs.

FRIDAY, APRIL 19, 2002
They want, they want, they want! I’m so fucking sick of this state and its fuck-ups! And damn every mother-fucking freeloader to hell!

Everything will probably be okay, but get this - I go to see Scot today, and he comes out and says they asked for two things that have him baffled. First, they want their report a month in advance, and two, they want to know why I haven’t taken the adult education classes that Scot can’t figure out why they ordered.

To break that down, every 6 months, they want a progress report. He said he told them a few weeks ago that he’s not scheduled to do a report on me till the end of this month. The reason he doesn’t understand the adult ed. classes is that I’m a high school graduate. He says that 60% of the probationers don’t have high school diplomas, so that’s why it’s ordered in most cases. But since I do, he doesn’t see why it’s necessary. I offered to fax him my high school diploma, which Tom’s going to do tonight from work (always one more thing we gotta do for these damn freeloaders!). I’m also going to fax the sign language and manicuring diplomas.

Now here’s the real kicker - according to Scot, they said something about my reading comprehension skills being low. I actually laughed when I heard that, telling him I read just fine.

Tom suggested that since I don’t act like most others, they may have gotten the impression at the courthouse that I didn’t understand the papers I went over with the interview lady or something (it’s always my fault). But I never went over any papers with anyone. That was simply thrown in there for spite, no doubt, but as I told Scot, I’m not taking classes. He thinks he can smooth things out and doesn’t see why it’d be necessary for me to take classes, but he has to do his job. In other words, things aren’t up to him.

I know that, I told him, and I don’t hold him personally responsible for anyone else’s spite or stupidity. He’s the only one that hasn’t been corrupt or incompetent as far as this bullshit goes, and for the first time since I’ve known him, I truly felt like he was on my side and wanted to help by telling them, hey, I don’t see why she needs these classes.

See, this is what I’ve feared all along; that they were gonna get on Scot to get on me about either work or classes. I meant it when I said I’d put my foot down against any classes, and I reminded Tom about this afterward. It’s my fucking life and I’m not about to rearrange it for any fucking vindictive freeloaders or corrupt officials. For 36 years I’ve been treated like a child, and goddamn it, it’s going to end! Scot and Tom are probably right when they say I have nothing to worry about, but it’s just the whole point being that they’ve ruffled my feathers once again.

I’ve given this state everything. Everything. Half a year of my life and thousands of dollars. If I keep giving in to their spontaneous and additional demands, they’re really gonna try to take advantage of me. It’s like they’re testing me to see how far they can push me and how much they can get out of me. I wonder when they’re gonna try to milk us for more than $40 a month. Any day now, I’m sure.

Tom told me afterward that it isn’t that he blames me, it’s just that by not compromising and not being willing to act like most others, I’m going to have to pay the consequences of others misunderstanding me.

Well, he’s wrong. That’s how it was in the past, but that’s not how it’s going to be from here on out. To me “compromising” really means being phony and kissing ass so you can come off as others expect/want you to, but I refuse to be what society thinks I should be. I’m me. Period. So if people are stupid and if someone misunderstands anything I say or do, that’s on them, not me. That’s their problem and their problem only.

I know that’s not what this is about. I didn’t go over any papers with anyone. Nothing I said or did should’ve given the impression that I couldn’t understand what I read. I also find it rather ironic that someone could think that after I typed up page after page of the shit I sent that I could have trouble reading. What? Did they come up with that cuz of the deliberate, disjointed sentences I formed to be confusing?

I doubt it. I don’t know who the hell suggested I can’t take in what I read, but I’m not spending any more time, money, and gas on this shit, and I don’t care what the courts order. Tom says he’ll drive me there, and that’s all well and good, but enough is enough! What? Does God feel my life’s so damn boring that he has to have this shit pulled on me to liven things up? Well, I’d rather be bored out of my mind than cater to these freeloaders and the fucked up system.

But maybe you’re destined to take classes so you can meet somebody, Tom said. Somebody that may speak Spanish that’ll need your help.

Well, I’m about to alter destiny. I like my life the way it is, thank you, and I have no desire to meet anybody new. Being pen pals with Mary and then meeting with my Teddy Bear’s enough. Perhaps I’m even making a mistake by meeting with Teddy Bear. Perhaps I’d be smart by not bothering and by not taking any chances. After all, she could screw me over, too.

I could do without Mary, but I couldn’t bring myself to dump on Teddy Bear and just forget about her. Then I’d always wonder about her and what would’ve happened. Of course, there’s always the chance that I’m wrong and I never see or hear from her again, though that’s not what my vibes say.

I suppose, that if Silvia had known why she was kicked out of M Dorm, she could’ve said Teddy Bear was just as corrupt as the black pig was, but for entirely different reasons, of course. Teddy Bear did what she did cuz she liked me and knew I was more comfortable being alone. The pig did what he did cuz he hated both whites and Jews.

I assured Scot that they were no victims when he referred to them as that pertaining to my petitioning the courts. He said he just calls them that cuz that’s what they’re listed as, he wasn’t there, so he can’t say what really happened one way or the other. When we told him we never saw the pre-sentencing report (of course we weren’t shown it, it’s all lies), and when I told him I didn’t want to petition for a sentence reduction not only cuz of the corruption, but for fear of the freeloaders retaliating, he seemed pretty understanding and rather empathetic for the first time ever. It was the first time he displayed anything other than the usual no-nonsense, I-don’t-care, it’s-not-my-problem attitude, void of any emotions.

I thought it was a bit odd, though, when he asked if I’d seen them or called their house. I reassured him we didn’t want to know they existed, and believe me, if I had called their house, wherever they are, he’d know about it. So would the rest of the world.

Of all the things they could frame me for, at least I know they couldn’t accuse me of calling them since they keep phone records.

Of course, Scot was not only agreeing with me that they’d pitch a fit if I were to even think of petitioning the court, but he was also doing his job by encouraging me to do the rest of my time. Again, it’s a business just like any other. He works for the state, and as the state’s servant, he would never discourage clientele. That’s why they keep things moving, too. As soon as a dozen people finish their sentences, a dozen others begin theirs.

“I’m not gonna find a bunch of cops at my door over this, am I?” I asked him, and he said no, because I’m not in violation.

Well, if there’s one thing I learned not to do, it’s to not open the door to the cops under any circumstances.

All this time and I haven’t fought back yet, but boy let me tell you, if I get railroaded one more time - just one more time - I’m filing every lawsuit imaginable and then some. I’ll do everything and anything it takes to make those responsible suffer dearly, and if anyone wants to perceive that as a threat - fine!

What an eerie coincidence that the sentence is 3 years. That’s how long the freeloaders lived with us. It’s like I’m being punished for each year I tried to get them to shut up and let us live in peace. God really does punish me when I try to fight the cards he’s laid down for me.

THURSDAY, APRIL 18, 2002
I’m very happy to say that Little Buddy’s doing just fine. I guess he just got an upset stomach. This is the first rodent I’ve had that got sick and recovered. It goes to prove that the power of prayer really is bullshit, too. When Scuttles was dying, I prayed to God to make him well, yet he didn’t listen to me. But with Little Buddy, I knew better than to pray to the cruel, hateful monster, and what did Little Buddy do? He went and got better on his own.

Although I handle them daily, the babies are pretty timid, acting just like mice. I guess that’s because their mother’s such a psycho. I hope they’ll calm down with age, but I don’t know. If Miss Skitzo doesn’t start sprouting a belly any time soon, I’m gonna write Little Buddy and Sneezy off as either sterile, gay, or just not interested.

I was so beat that after not sleeping as much as I’d have liked to for the last few days, I let myself sleep in today, not getting up till after 11:00. When I got up I asked myself, do I do a rollover before Teddy Bear visits? Or do I stay on days?

Then the 11:34 sonic boom made the decision for me. I had just been thinking about that too, and how I haven’t heard them lately, figuring that the more things built up, the less I’d hear from them. I thought a boom woke me up at 8:00, but I’d never known them to boom that early and just once. Usually, the booms are in spurts of twos and threes. Sometimes even up to 6 or 7 booms. However, there was just one boom after I’d gotten up, so it probably was a boom I heard and not a dream.

I know I could probably go back to sleep, but that’d be much easier said than done after being woken up by any unwanted visitors. It might as well be the freeloaders themselves coming to see me. Every time I have to see Scot’s fat face, it’s like the freeloaders are right there with him saying, “We’re still here. We haven’t forgotten about you and we haven’t gone away. We’re still very much a part of your life, Whitey Jew.”

If there’s one thing and one thing only that bugs me about Mary’s story, it’s her and Justin getting jobs in Seattle. I’m confused about that one. Justin wouldn’t let her get help for Gretchen in Florida cuz he was wanted for abusing James in Arizona. I can see Justin forcing Mary to Seattle, though why Seattle beats me after he killed Gretchen in Florida. But the media said they got jobs in Seattle. If what the media says is true, since 9 out of 10 things they say are bullshit, then how could Mary continue living with him and go to work as if nothing ever happened? That’s something Doe and Art would do, but Mary? Mary, who’s nothing like them? Why didn’t she call for help once she was at work and away from Justin? And how many other kids were with them at this time? Did she not call for help cuz he threatened her other kids or what?

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 17, 2002
I hope to hell this isn’t bad news. I mean, it’s bad news, cuz Little Buddy’s sick. But how sick, is what I’m wondering? He was fine a little while ago, out running around, as usual. Then shortly after I put him in the new cage, he was sick. There was this yellowish drool dripping from his mouth and he appeared to be having difficulty breathing. Then a while later he cleaned himself and seemed perkier, even eating the carrot stick I offered him.

Oh, how I hope he’s ok! It hasn’t quite been a year yet, and I really want Teddy Bear to meet him! I’m hoping it’s just a case of an upset stomach like people get.

I just checked on him again. He’s not spitting up anymore, but now his nose is bleeding and one of his eyes doesn’t look too good. He’s still perkier, though, so I hope he’ll be better with some rest. It’s just that as a rodent expert, it bothers me to know that statistically, sick rodents rarely recover.

For a while, regardless of if he makes it, he’s gonna be residing in a much nicer and slightly bigger cage. On sale for $100, we got a $200 black wire cage. The other one’s black wire too, but its wires are thicker and spaced further apart. I thought the baby girls since there are more of them, could live in it, but they can get out, even though its bars are closer together. It’s half the weight of the other cage, cuz its bars are thinner. It has a metal base, rather than a plastic one like the other one has. It has 3 shelves at different levels (two have ramps attached to them) and it came with 3 tubes, too.

I bought a couple of new big wheels so there can be two in each cage once the babies move into it in another couple weeks or so, and for now, the big guys and mom are living in it.

Before we went to the pet store, we went to Walmart where I had a blast shopping.

I got a couple of clear vases with air bubbles trapped in them for the 4 bushels of flowers I got. I put two in each one. I got red roses, pink roses, red tulips and pink tulips. Because the vases aren’t as stable as I’d like them to be, I’m gonna get some colored gravel some time to weigh them down.

They had a really nice palm tree that was about 6’ high, but it was $50, so I passed it up.

You know how guys are slobs and don’t always aim - well - I bought a pink rug for around the toilet so I can wash it periodically. The pink contrasts well with the blue carpet.

For myself, I bought a pink and purple floral sundress that fits great, even though it’s a size 14/16 for girls.

I got shiny silver sandals that are a size 3 for girls and awesome looking. The only thing is that they’re not all that comfy. Hopefully, I’ll get used to them cuz they’re really dazzling. Actually, they’re denim sandals with pearl pink sequins. They’re strapless and toeless.

I got two pairs of comfortable shorts in black and pink, two G-strings with rosebuds, also in black and pink, a 6-pack of white ankle socks for next winter, and purple fuzzy slippers.

We got the shades for the master bath and retreat, but still need to get paneling for the sheds, skylight trim, ceiling fans, and a faster board for my MP3 computer.

Just when I thought I wasn’t going to find anything for Jade, I noticed these jackets. Windbreakers with hoods. I picked out a melon pink one, along with a pair of purple pants. Well, I couldn’t have gotten her a better outfit if I tried! They fit perfectly. The pants are mid-calf length, and the sleeves are an inch above her wrists. The colors go well with her coloring. Even her blue/red bead necklace. If only I’d thought to get her socks and sneakers if not just sneakers. Next time, though, and she still needs a stand, too. Her outfit cost under $20.

When it came time to check out the Barbies, I was surprised to find that there wasn’t the breathtaking selection I thought there’d be, but they sure had a lot more than the drugstores. They even had singers Brittany Spears and the chick from Destiny’s Child, as well as Michelle Kwan the figure skater. I want to get the Michelle doll next time around, but this time around, I got a gorgeous doll related to Barbie called Lea. This dark exotic beauty is definitely the best one I’ve got. She’s different too, cuz her outfit’s painted right on her body and so is her necklace. She wears a purple and white 2-piece bathing suit with a white floral chiffon wrap. The wrap is the only thing not painted onto her. I can’t tell what she is, though. Is she white with dark eyes and black hair? Is she Italian, Indian, Oriental, or Spanish?

I’m wondering if a house isn’t coming soon across from next door cuz I saw 4 or 5 people standing around next to a big trailer. They left right after I saw them.

They’re working in back now, as usual, and oh, how nice it is not to have to know about it without looking out and seeing it! Looks like they’re installing either an AC or an evaporative cooler. I wonder what the other two rentals have. There’s nothing on the roofs, so maybe they’ve got ground-mounted units.

TUESDAY, APRIL 16, 2002
It’s a gorgeous day for mid-April. Cool and breezy, though when the sun peeks through the clouds, it’s a bit warm. I decided to take advantage of this weather before it gets unbearably hot and open the windows to air out the musty, ever-present rodent odor.

Though I was up by 8 AM yesterday, I couldn’t fall asleep till 3 AM last night and was tired when I got up at 10 AM. Tomorrow we’re going shopping and I’m sure I’ll have no problem getting up!

This shocks the shit out of me to say this, but I think the Ab Force may be making a difference after all. It’s pretty subtle so far, but my waist is smaller. If I see any more of a difference, I’ll zap my arms and thighs, too.

The renters, as I predicted they would, have been coming out in the early evening on the hotter days. They’re very outdoorsy, but so’s most of Arizona.

I’ve just about written the cheeks off as a no-show, and I’m beginning to think I won’t see him till I go to him on Friday. Maybe the first of the year harassment really was over someone new in the area and or fear of my taking off with the New Year.

MONDAY, APRIL 15, 2002
Just two weeks and I can send the letter. I just know she’s gonna get it and I just know she’s gonna call, too! It’s meant to be. So, I should be seeing her in 3-4 weeks. May 10th stands out in my mind for some reason, which is a Friday, but I can’t say that it has to do with her. I think it does, though.

As soon as I get new ink cartridges, I’m gonna print out her letter before this printer, once again, goes on the fritz in one way or another.

Yesterday we ordered Christmas Glow, who I’ll just call Chris since I’m gonna make her over. So far we haven’t gotten any email saying she’s out of stock, but there’ll be some problem and or delay with the doll. There always is. This will be my sixth doll from them, and I have yet to order and get a doll from them within 7-10 business days.

I’m officially doing freeloader time again for the next 4 hours or so. I wonder if he’ll come when we’re out on Wednesday or Thursday. I doubt it. God wouldn’t have sicced these freeloaders on me in the first place if he knew we could just lock the cheeks out, so why would he have the cheeks stop by on a day when I wasn’t in?

I’m not sending Paula as many letters because I don’t write as often. I usually wait till I have 6-8 pages accumulated before I mail it off to her.

Tom and I were playing with the rats last night. It’s so cute how Lady follows Little Buddy and how Little Buddy comes running to me when I call him. Well, he usually does anyway.

SATURDAY, APRIL 13, 2002
I wasn’t going to write today, but I’m so bored! I don’t feel like doing any more office work or any working out. I already did some singing, fed the animals, and there’s nothing to watch on TV.

Tom says that his job’s erratic hours should settle down in about a month, but that’s hard to believe. He says that his taking over being the boss will lead him to even more raises and that in order to do so, things must be hectic for a while and that’ll sometimes include weekends. He’s been gone all day, and words cannot express how grateful I am to not want a child or have any sexual desires with this man, or else I’d be miserably depressed! Believe me, I’d rather be bored, even mad, than depressed.

I just hope nothing comes up to spoil our Wednesday plans. I’m looking so forward to making a day of it and having fun with no freeloaders involved.

I look out the window and I don’t see the freeloaders, I don’t hear the freeloaders, but why not? I mean, I may as well. They’re still very much a part of my life. Always with them, always with me. And while they’re not currently costing me my freedom, they’re invading my brain. Oh, how I wish I’d handled them differently! So many if-onlyies. Another thing I can add to my long list of regrets is going along with that 2-hour, seemingly asinine and irrelevant interview I went through at the courthouse prior to sentencing. Especially when she came out and asked about my income. That’s none of anyone’s business, I should’ve told her and then left. They would’ve threatened me and they would’ve bribed me, but they couldn’t have sent me to prison for refusing to do an interview and divulging personal information.

I still can’t believe that someone who never knew I even existed before October 30th, a perfect stranger, could sit in judgment of me and send me to jail! The mother-fucker may or may not have known the facts pertaining to the freeloaders or the pig, but I hold him just as responsible for fucking me over as I do the freeloaders, the pigs, and Paul. Any decent judge with a normal, rational mind would’ve said no to the DA’s recommendation. He’d have said that sending someone to jail for something they wrote, threatening or not, was a bit steep. Especially mail sent to an adult who had a choice.

Were Paul and the black pig connected? I’ll never know. Somehow I doubt it, though. Yes, it’s always possible that Paul also thought I was Jewish and had his own prejudices, but I think it was a case of common practice. I think public pretenders always try to deceive their clients in the name of control and saved money.

But the pig - that was sheer hate. Even if I weren’t Jewish; I was white and he wasn’t. I was also just another person he could manipulate and control.

It sounds so good and so easy to just tell myself, hey…you want to stop being their victim and stop being their victim right now? Then stop making payments, stop going to see Scot, and stop opening the door to him.

But they’d only come flying through the door as if I were a mass murderer. It’s a no-win situation. They’ve got me either way and there’s not a damn thing I can do about it. I’m forced to be victimized by these people and our shit system, and I don’t know if it’s more infuriating or frustrating! I’m as powerless to stop what’s been happening and what’ll keep on happening for another 550 days or so, just as I would be if I were being held down while someone else raped me.

FRIDAY, APRIL 12, 2002
I took a Benadryl last night at 9:00, fell asleep at 10:00, and slept nearly 10 hours, waking up right before the 8:00 alarm.

This Sunday I’ll be ordering a doll, which I should receive between the 23rd and the 26th, but I know it’ll be a few weeks to a few months.

Currently, my top 3 picks are this $25 black doll, a $40 Arab doll, and a $60 fairy doll. The fairy doll’s a bit much for us right now, so it’ll be one of the first two that I’ll get. The black doll should be in stock cuz of its Christmas theme and the fact that it’s not Christmastime or near it. The Arab doll could go either way. So many people hate Arabs after the way they’ve tortured this country, yet the dress is so glamorous that that could cause it to be out of stock.

On the other hand, people don’t care so much about race when it comes to dolls. My black doll, Colette, for example, is just a doll. However, if she suddenly came alive, I’d beat her ass and toss her out the door.

Next Wednesday we’re going to Walmart. I can’t wait. I’ve been looking so forward to going to a department store for so long. We haven’t been in one since ‘99 while we were homeless.

No freeloader-related visits for 3 solid days!

I did my exercises. Hey, it keeps me fat and not real fat.

THURSDAY, APRIL 11, 2002
The first of the workers just arrived in back. God, I’d hate to live back there with that shit always going on! And thank God they’re not just a few feet away. Imagine the door slamming. And the trunk slamming? No bright light last night.

I got up an hour later than I should have, so I’ll have to really push myself in the morning and try to crash earlier tonight.

If Scot doesn’t show up within the next few hours, this will be the longest time he hasn’t bugged me here since last year, nearly 3½ months ago. His last visit was 4 weeks ago today.

Today I’m taking my weekly break and enjoying home-baked cookies. Something I haven’t done in a long time. In fact, I think this is the first time I ever baked cookies in this house. I’m also going to be enjoying my favorite coffee, loaded with fat and sugar. It’s 100 calories a cup, but oh so good!

I’m really sick of encrypting my shit. I mean, it’s such a pain in the ass! I think I’ll only encrypt current stuff since they can’t use the past against me. Then again, I’m being punished for something I’m supposed to have done beginning in 1996, and they don’t need anything threatening or incriminating from me cuz they could just make up their own “evidence” as I said before.

At first I asked myself what was more important to me, frustrating the pigs, should they seize this computer, with encrypted files? Or giving them an eyeful? The answer is - I don’t give a fuck about the pigs either way! For now, I’ll still keep them encrypted.

I did both my sessions at once and zapped my tummy for a total of 20 minutes. That way I only need to use the gel and clean up once. I didn’t bleed, so I think that yes, what I had was my typical mid-month bleeding. If in a month I see or feel any different, I’ll start zapping each thigh for 20 minutes as well, but I’m still sure I won’t see or feel any changes. That’s when I’ll probably quit zapping altogether.

It’s nice to see that the iguanas are out for the year.

No cheeks. Of course, we still don’t know that he didn’t stop by Monday. If he did, I’m sure he’ll tell me about it whenever and wherever I see him next.

God, I really had no self-respect back east! In ‘91, I was talking about being friends with Mary D, though I never did. That’s totally fucked up of me to even think that! After she trashed my stuff and tried to attack me? Damn! I should’ve hurt her instead of keeping her from hurting me, then I should’ve been forever done with her.

A few of the babies appear to be sprouting balls. So far it looks like there are going to be 5 females and 3 males. So if I keep Lady, and if she doesn’t breed with Little Buddy, that’ll be 6 girls and 5 boys.

Unlike me, Tom was sore after using the Ab Force. That’s cuz he doesn’t exercise, so his muscles are weaker.

From what I read online, the trial is to be delayed even more. I hope to hear from Mary about it real soon, then I’ll have to decide whether or not to make up an excuse as to why I can’t see her in May, or if I should just go see her.

Anyway, the sick fuck, Justin, is doing things to delay going to Florida to stand trial for murdering Gretchen, but as the report said, Florida will wait for him. He can’t put it off forever. Sooner or later Florida’s gonna get him and he’s gonna stand trial. I don’t know if justice will be done and if he’ll get executed, or at least life, but he can’t avoid extradition forever.

From what I can tell, Mary made two mistakes. The first one is going with this sick twist in the first place. The second is pleading guilty over failing to get medical help for both James and Gretchen. But Justin wouldn’t let her get the help, so why did she plead guilty to something she couldn’t help and that she wasn’t guilty of? They obviously did the same thing to her as they did to me and they tricked and bribed her into pleading guilty. She never needed to or should’ve pled guilty. Pleading not guilty, like she should have, would not have made things worse for her. It’s just that everybody’s led to believe that pigs, judges and lawyers are Gods who can do things they really can’t do. They let themselves be intimidated by them.

God, I wish I could go back and redo certain things over again, even though I certainly don’t care to relive the experiences! If only I’d contacted the city right away, if only I’d beaten the shit out of the bitch! If only the only words out of my mouth to the black pig had been, “Charge me or release me.” If only we had done our homework sooner as far as the laws and what Paul should’ve been doing. If only, if only, if only!

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 10, 2002
I ended up having just under 1000 calories yesterday and waking up at 118 pounds, but you know what? Enough is enough! I’m sick of this diet thing. I’ve spent years going hungry, and all for what? To lose 6 pounds? I’m tired of putting myself through so much for so little. All the hunger simply isn’t worth losing a few pounds. Meanwhile, as long as I stick to my exercising and keep my calories between 1200-1500 with one day a week to eat all I want, I should never gain weight. So, although I’m 15-20 pounds heavier than I’d like to be, there are worse things in life than being squat and plump. If I were 30+ pounds overweight, then I might stick to it and put more effort into it, but I am as I am and I want to just let myself be for a while. I’m not saying I’ll never diet again or lose more weight; just not now. For now, I want to relax and let myself be as I naturally am without putting so much pressure on myself, and as I said before, Teddy Bear will have to accept me as I am.

Our Ab Force thing arrived. It feels like a strong vibrator. I did my waist already. I’m a bit confused, though. They say not to use it for more than 20 minutes a day, but does that mean more than 20 minutes on the same area, or all together? And it doesn’t say either way about using it on your back or on different areas of the arms/thighs. It shows them using it on the outer thighs and biceps, but can’t I use it on my inner thighs and triceps if I wanted to? The only places it says not to use it are the head, neck, heart and genitals.

I’ll ask Tom when he gets up. He’d know more about this sort of thing. I’ll probably just stick to doing my abs with it cuz I still don’t see how it can change your appearance. This thing doesn’t say anything about that, though, unlike some of the others that claim it reduces a couple of inches from the waist. After a month of doing my waist, then I’ll decide whether or not to do my arms/thighs. Trying to get the thing on my arms isn’t very easy.

The renters are out burning trash right now. I saw two adults and two kids. What a dumb time to do your trash; when inspectors could be out and about. And what is it with the new bright light they have at the back corner of the house, towards the side where the utility pole is? They never hang out back or at the side, so what do they need that, and their front light for? You’d think people would want to take advantage of and enjoy the darkness out here, but instead, people light up their properties like in the city. I can see a low-wattage light in front, but a super bright light at the back corner.

It should be roughly a week now since Pérez got my letter. If I don’t hear from her by the end of next week, then I think that’ll be a reasonable time to assume she either didn’t want to write back, or she never got the letter. Now the question is, should I mail Teddy Bear’s letter myself? I don’t like this not feeling like I can trust Tom, but I’m just not sure if I can. They say your gut instinct is the one to trust, so would I be feeling this way if I didn’t have a reason to?

The baby rats are now a bit bigger than the mice. I think I might be seeing balls forming on one of them. They’re still little midgets compared to Sneezy, whose head is almost as big as their whole bodies. Sneezy’s now in with 3 babies, then I’ve got 5 babies by themselves, and Lady’s in with Little Buddy, who I hope isn’t sterile. I’d really like a Little Buddy Jr. or two, and to replace Lady with a look-alike.

A little over an hour ago, I could’ve sworn I saw Scot go up Ralston, the opposite way in which he goes to come here. If that truly was him, why would he pass by without stopping here? I guess this means he could swing back up and stop by, though. We’ll see. It’s been 4 weeks, so he could come by anywhere from right now, till a few months from now. If the cheeks come while Tom’s asleep, I hope I spot him before he gets a chance to knock and wake him up. After all, it was me the freeloaders were always after, so Tom shouldn’t have to be put out any more than necessary. He’s already been put out enough.

It still strikes me as being the weirdest thing how I can work out faithfully like I do, rarely exceed 2000 calories, and still be fat. I always truly believed that exercising was supposed to cause weight loss, but I see that it does not. It simply tones me up and helps keep me from gaining any more. But what do these fitness people do? Starve themselves? Work out 8 hours a day? Both? It’s said that the fitter you are, the thinner you are - well - I’m pretty fit, so why aren’t I thin? I mean, I just had no idea that one could carry so much fat as well as muscle at the same time!

Now it’s let’s-work-on-the-rental time. Why does this one need so much more work than the other two? There are two pickups and a couple of people hanging out by the utility pole. I wonder if that bright light’s connected to whatever it is they’re doing. I mean, no one should need that much illumination. Especially out here and in areas you don’t walk through.

I’m currently fine-tuning early 1991, and damn was I always sick! Colds, flu, infections, vomiting, asthma attacks - why was I always so sick?

No cheeks today. No activity in front, either, but it’s still for sale.

The workers are still in back. Just what the hell could be so wrong with the place that it needs so much work, and if there are that many problems, why’d George let them move in when they did? It must be a serious problem for them to be there this late. Whatever it is seems to revolve around the utility pole, so it’s probably an electrical problem.

I had contemplated hanging up the jogging for a while and just sticking to my toning exercises while adding another set to my routine to double my workout. Then I had an idea. Why don’t I keep my workout as it is and run on the treadmill? It’s easier to run on that thing, than to walk, anyway. I just have to hold onto the rails. It’s a hell of a heart-punching workout, though, being uphill and all, so I’ll only run to two songs’ worth and maybe even do it every other day.

After my second Ab Force session, I was bleeding. The question is, is this the typical mid-cycle bleeding I tend to have? Or did the Ab Force cause it? I didn’t bleed after my first session, so right now I’m not blaming it on the Ab Force.

TUESDAY, APRIL 9, 2002
We were gone for about 8 hours yesterday, but the car won’t be fixed until today. At least, we think it’ll be fixed today. He said that because we just got all new tires, he wants the car to last another couple of years and that maybe we can get fences and an old pickup this fall with stock money. That all sounds good, but I still can’t imagine God allowing us fences till right before or after the probation ends.

We saw Mary, Dave and Mom right as we were leaving. While he worked on the car I hung out with Pepper and read my book. Seeing Pepper made me wish we hadn’t decided against taking him, but either way, we couldn’t take him. We don’t have fences and it’ll be a while before we do.

Because I knew I would be on a liquid diet for today and tomorrow, I didn’t hold back on helping myself to the shit they have there. It is unbelievable all the shit they have! There were 5 bowls of candy, 2 boxes of cakes, half a dozen boxes of various crackers, half a dozen boxes of various chips, and both the fridge and freezer were jam-packed with pies, ice cream, TV dinners, etc. The only healthy things were a couple of containers of yogurt and some cheese. They did have V8 drinks for mom, but everything else was soda or fruit punch. The variety of food wasn’t the only amazing thing, but so was the quantity. If I were suddenly stranded all alone in that house, I could easily get by on all that food for a month.

Anyway, I woke up at 119 pounds, and I plan on not eating till Thursday. Depending on what the scale says come Thursday morning, then I’ll decide whether or not it’s time to permanently hang up dieting (or for a long, long time) and maintain whatever I am, or if I want to starve another day or two after I’ve eaten for a day or two in between.

What the fuck is going on here?! How could I have gained a pound since 8:00 this morning with no food? I should be down a pound or two by now, not up a pound. I didn’t shit today. Maybe that has something to do with it, but with no food, I should wake up tomorrow at 115, then at 111 on Thursday. That’s a reasonable amount of weight loss for someone who doesn’t eat for 48 hours, and I’ll be damned if I’m gonna go through this hell just to lose a few pounds in the end! I should easily lose 4 pounds a day, maybe even 5 or 6.

We checked online for any news pertaining to Mary’s trial, but there was nothing. Not one mention of it, and I had said to Tom, “Guess it’s not big news when a child is abused so long as everyone involved is the same color.”

Yet he assured me it was too soon and that no mention of it would be likely till after the testimony, the closing arguments, and the jury’s deliberation.

I really hope she’s taken to Florida before May. I really don’t want to go through the hassles of going to see her! Besides, she should be a bit more comfortable in prison, I’d think.

If Scot doesn’t show up here this week, then who knows when the fuck he will? Not for a while, I hope. I’m really sick of having to deal with anything that’s connected to these freeloaders. I want them out of our lives for good!

I hope Paula remembers to call and let me know how she makes out in court at the end of the month. I also hope she’ll contact me as soon as she can if she gets a jail sentence on her birthday. Certainly, she couldn’t get too long of a sentence. She only slugged a cop, right? I hope that pig was white!

MONDAY, APRIL 8, 2002
There turned out to be more trouble with the car, so Tom’s mom got him a rental. Meanwhile, we’re going over there today while Mary’s at jury duty, Dave’s at work, and Mom’s at daycare to work on the fucking thing.

SUNDAY, APRIL 7, 2002
Tom’s at Mary’s now and I’m spending most of the day fine-tuning journals, besides working out and giving attention to the animals. I’m almost through the first 5 years of journals, but that’s back when I wrote so little. About 200 pages are covering the years 1987-1991 combined, yet twice that many cover 1996. 1996-1999 are too big to be stored on one floppy. After I get done skimming them for their trivial shit and restructuring sentences, I hope to get them onto one disk.

I spoke to Tom at Mary’s a couple of hours ago. It did turn out to be a ball bearing like he originally thought. The good news is that Ma’s covering the $100 cost. Guess you could say I’m grateful for God ignoring my prayers, as he usually does, back when I’d pray for him to take her. But his was when she was much more of a burden than a help. The question is, what are we gonna do when he does take her?

Anyway, as it’s turned out, the only thing that’ll be spent on this shit is time. Time he should’ve spent lazing around the house. He was sick, he’s been working his ass off - the guy deserves a break! But no, God just had to go and let this happen.

Sometimes I wonder - is God trying to tell us to go into the repair business with the way he has our shit break so often? He just loves to sit back and watch us have to fix shit, but boy I’ll tell you - I am really fucking sick of it! It really gets old! By July we’ll have another breakage crisis. He just won’t let us live in peace for more than 3 months, though anything’s better than being cursed with freeloaders, pigs and jail.

I just want to go shopping next week and for me to see my Teddy Bear. My vibes strongly say that I will, but if I don’t, I’m going to believe I’ve totally lost all my psychicness completely. I’ll give her until June to contact me. If she doesn’t by then, then I’ll destroy her text and picture files and file her away in my brain as just a memory.

But I know that won’t be the case. I know she’s coming. I just hope she’ll still be attracted to me, and that deep down she won’t be disappointed in me for not losing weight. I just don’t want to do it. Period. I like to eat, and besides, I’ve had my thin days, so it’s not like it’s something new that’s so important to me. I just don’t care about my looks as much anymore. As long as I don’t get bigger; that’s all that matters. Meanwhile, I’ve been chunky for years now and I know I always will be. This is how I’m meant to be, or else I wouldn’t be this way, and I don’t care to lose weight that’ll only come right back. I’m big everywhere except for my calves and forearms. I only hope she doesn’t mind. She shouldn’t. I mean, she’s twice as big as I am, after all, and doesn’t seem the type to base relationships solely on looks. I look close to how I looked in jail, so I guess that if she could be attracted to me back then, she could still be attracted to me.

SATURDAY, APRIL 6, 2002
I’m so fucking pissed right now! Utterly furious! Of the two problems we usually have (freeloader or breakage), it’s the non-stop breakage curse that’s got us now. The fucking ball bearing on the car went out. I knew something would come up to stop us from our mid-month shopping spree I had looked so forward to. Well, I’m sick of making plans cuz we just cannot get ahead to save our lives! Something up there doesn’t want us having any fun for damn sure. As soon as we fix one thing and think we just might get ahead enough to spend some money on ourselves, something just has to up and break. Why can’t we go three months without something breaking??? Just three months!!! Why plan on getting outfits for Jade, plants, fences or anything else when something’s only gonna come up to take that money away? And there goes the doll I was gonna order this month too, cuz I know this thing is gonna cost hundreds of dollars. I know this isn’t gonna be just a minor inconvenience that’s simply going to delay our grocery shopping and our stopping to pick up our mail for a day or two. When God gets us, he gets us good.

Meanwhile, he’s gonna try getting a hold of Mary so she can bring him home. Then tomorrow, he’s gonna have her come get him, then bring him to work where his car will be.

I just want us to be able to live our lives! I’m sick of having to make a career out of fixing things and catering to freeloaders!

the cheeks asked Tom again if he were back on nights. In other words, will he be waking him up when he comes to bug me next week?

When am I gonna get another 3 months off from his popping over? I’m obviously not a flight risk, or else I’d be gone by now, and anyone with an average IQ could see I’m not this crazy, violent person, despite the fact that that’s the impression that would’ve been given in all the “reports.”

Mary and Dave picked Tom up and brought him home. They’re coming to pick him up tomorrow morning around 9:00. I thought about going with them, but I don’t know if I want to sit in their dust-covered house and eat pizza for 18 hours while Mary takes my picture. I think, though, she’s learned her lesson and knows better about the picture-taking thing, it’s just that I’d be so bored there for that long. We’ll see. It may do me good just to get out and visit. Especially since most of my outings are black-related. To get out and not have to do for the black bitch is a nice change, though either way, I don’t like to go out often.

Tom says that if it’s the part he thinks it is, it’ll cost between $60-$80, but that seems awfully low. Our breakage sprees cost us hundreds if not thousands.

Mary thought the babies were cute, though she wouldn’t want them in her house since she doesn’t like rodents with tails.

She also saw my 11 bottles of chrome nail polish and thought they were neat-looking. I just repolished my nails, doing each one a different color. They’re so long now that it’s hard to type.

I decided that now was a good time to breed Little Buddy and Lady. That way, both sets of babies will be close in age, and I can replace Lady with any solid brown ones they have if they have any. Lady’s just too damn timid. We have enough rats, so I’ll probably just keep one or two from the next batch. I just want Little Buddy to leave descendants behind, though I certainly hope he has at least a year and a half more to live.

I’m just so pissed over this car shit. We should’ve done our grocery shopping today and picked up our mail. Then tomorrow we should be burning. Then in the middle of the month, we should be out shopping. We really could use the things we plan to get, and I’ve been looking so forward to this for so long, but these fucking car costs are really gonna hurt us and prevent us from getting much.

It’s pretty windy out there today. A bit cloudy too, though I don’t expect any serious storms till the monsoon season in July or August.

FRIDAY, APRIL 5, 2002
I asked Tom, and no, there’s no way to lock my whole directory/computer, and no, the pigs couldn’t keep me in jail forever for refusing to give them the key. They’d bluff me, he said, and would try to trick me into giving it to them, but I wouldn’t legally have to and they couldn’t legally detain me.

Some of my nails are so long now that it’s hard to type. Anyway, after this morning, I’m free of the freeloaders till 10 AM Monday. Lucky me!

I’m going to try to maintain a day schedule. Not just because of Teddy Bear, even though I don’t expect to see her for 5 or 6 more weeks, but because we’re going to be doing some shopping in the middle of the month.

I wonder if Teddy Bear remembers my release date.

I know it’s been only a week, but I’m beginning to suspect Tom never mailed Pérez her letter. I mean, I just find it rather hard to believe she couldn’t handle a simple little request like sending a quick note or a lousy postcard. It makes me wonder if I should be the one to mail Teddy Bear’s letter, even if means delaying it a week or so. Then again, if he’s that adamantly against Teddy Bear enough not to mail her letter, then maybe I shouldn’t be mailing it and maybe I shouldn’t be getting together with her at all if that’s the case. He’s shown jealousy before, like when Kim visited. And he knew I wasn’t even attracted to Kim, so I sometimes worry about how he’ll react to my associating with someone he knows I am attracted to.

If being gay is hereditary like the scientists are saying, then I wonder who I inherited my gayness from. If either my parents or my grandparents had had any attraction towards the same sex, there’s no way in hell they’d ever have admitted it. Not in that day and age. Not even if they were all still alive.

It’s really quite amazing that despite the diversity of colors, none of these rats are solid brown like their mother.

THURSDAY, APRIL 4, 2002
And so it was one year ago today that I last saw Palma. I wonder what her life is like now. Was she as prejudiced as Madeline said she was? Or was she truly flattered by my being attracted to her? Did she like me too, like she seemed to? Is she bi, bi-curious, or strictly dickly?

I wonder if she’s in the tents now, too. She’d love that! More people to be in control of.

How nice it is to sit here and see the month of April on the wall calendar I made! But it’ll be even nicer once it says May, cuz that’ll be when I should see Teddy Bear.

If it turns out that I don’t hear from either Teddy Bear or Pérez, then I’ll really suspect Tom never mailed their letters. I’d find it awfully hard to believe that two DOs who liked me would choose to ignore me. I can see Pérez deciding not to write back, but for Teddy Bear to ignore me seems so unlikely.

It also seems unlikely that the cheeks will show up today, but I’d think that next week he will for sure. Who knows, though? Maybe I’m in for another 3 months off from the house calls. Either way, tomorrow we have to lose more time and money to the freeloaders, but while I’m at it, I’m going to spoil myself at Dairy Queen, even though the ice cream I ate yesterday and the day before caught up to me and threw me back up to 119 pounds. Once again, I doubt I’ll get to fit comfortably in those shorts with my shitty willpower.

The babies are so cute and are beginning to look like rats, rather than deformed guinea pigs with large heads and tails, as Tom had described them. They’re eating and drinking, though still nursing. I love the way they play pin the opponent!

I guess summer’s here to stay now, though it’s not very hot yet. The tiny yellow flowers that bloom on some of these bushes are starting to blossom.

I’m sick of encrypting/decrypting my shit. Perhaps I should stick to it, but I’m not sure I want to keep doing it cuz it’s a pain. I guess I just don’t care if the pigs read anything I’ve got to say about this world or the people in it. Maybe I should give them their reading’s worth if they ever saw fit to go through the trouble of seizing this computer. I haven’t written anything that could incriminate me, and either way, I wouldn’t have to if they were out to get me. All they’d have to do is make up their own “evidence.” I’d also be kidding myself if I thought I could simply refuse to tell them my key and that they’d just send me on my merry way once they saw I wouldn’t budge. If you won’t give the pigs what they want, they won’t let you go. So, if they did steal this shit, my only two choices would be to give them the damn key or stay in jail, even if that meant being there forever. Cops bribe people with their freedom all the time.

Maybe there’s a happy medium. Instead of encrypting, maybe I can just use a password for my entire doc directory. Or my entire computer. It’d be a lot quicker to type in a password than to decrypt journals. Those with 150 pages or more take several minutes to encrypt/decrypt.

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 3, 2002
I was surprised that this letter of Mary’s was dated 2/28! What took it so long to get to me? I was wondering why she never answered my question about if she wanted both Tom and I to visit or just me. She said both of us would be fine, but I don’t think we’ll get that far if they move her after the 8th, and if that’s the final trial date, then I don’t see why they’d hold her at Estrella much longer than a week at the most. A part of me hopes she gets moved before May. Yes, I’d like to see her, but I don’t want to go through the hassles of waiting forever to see her. I know all too good and well what that’s like and I don’t miss it!

In this letter, she says she was told that Pérez is now in the tents, which explains why she hasn’t gone to M Dorm to claim my letter like I believe she would have if she were still inside. I only hope that my never hearing from her is because she herself chose not to respond to me and not because Tom made the decision for her by not mailing the letter.

I also got some book stuff to type up.

TUESDAY, APRIL 2, 2002
Another hour and 20 minutes and I’m officially back on call for the black bitch for 4 hours. I’m beginning to doubt the cheeks will show up this week, but I’m sure he’ll put in his April appearance at some point. I’m really surprised he went 3 whole weeks without bugging me, but the week’s not out yet, so we’ll see.

Because it’s getting closer to my visit with Teddy Bear, I’m going to try to maintain a day schedule as soon as I get on one again. Right now I’m crashing in the late afternoons and getting up around midnight. Tom’s schedule fluctuates more than mine does, believe it or not.

At 117 pounds, I’m noticeably smaller all over, for once and for all. Even my fat ass and neck have shrunk a bit! I still feel chunky, though I know I’m doing real damn good for my age. I wouldn’t complain if I could get to 105, but I doubt I’ll get that low. Maybe 110-115.

My autobiography’s all done, so now I’m just fine-tuning old journals. Damn was I one naïve, confused, contradicting bitch! Going back and forth on my feelings about this one, then about that one. And at the same time I had no confidence, I was brimming with a false sense of hope, believing that one day I’d see my dreams become a reality. Well, I’m glad they didn’t and that things turned out the way they did. I regret certain neighbors, I regret wanting things I couldn’t have as bad as I did, but overall, things turned out for the better.

If I don’t hear from Pérez in the next week or two, then I’ll know I won’t be hearing from her at all. I really doubt I will hear from her, but that’s okay. As long as she got my letter and I was able to really thank her for all her help.

Tom’s picking up a letter today from Mary with 23¢ postage due. Not that 23¢ is any big deal to us, but Tom has to wait in line, and she should know better by now.

I’m looking forward to getting the Ab Force we ordered that sends an electronic pulse, in the way that a stun gun does, to work the ab muscles. It also does arms and legs. I know it’s bullshit as far as weight loss or loss of inches go, but I think it’ll feel good. Especially for lower backaches, even though I’m fortunate enough not to get many of those with the way I work out.

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Last updated July 12, 2024