May 2001 in 2000s

THURSDAY, MAY 31, 2001
The babies have sprouted enough fur to tell what color they’re going to be, but their eyes haven’t opened yet.

They were right, those who said it would seem like I never left home once I got back there. It’s like that 6-month gap isn’t even there. Now, I’m just left with a greater appreciation for life’s simple little things, like the right to pee in private, wonderful memories of Palma, Rosa, Mary, and others, and a future to look forward to with Teddy Bear (I still worry about pigs and black bitch, although I don’t sense any trouble in the near future).

I hope. Even though I always believed that she and I were as meant to be as Tom and I, anything could happen over the next 6 months to a year. Maybe she’ll change her mind. Maybe someone else will come along and sweep her off her feet. I wonder, though – if I didn’t call her next year, would she call me?

I miss her so much and at times I just can’t get her off my mind! I never thought anyone I was attracted to enough to think about all the time (female) would like me too.

WEDNESDAY, MAY 30, 2001
Paula’s 34 today. Happy birthday, girl!

They put the house in place, right where the old house was. It’s shorter than the old single-wide. I wonder if it’s an investor. Or maybe the woman’s daughter and her husband next door bought the land and decided to stick a new house on it, although they don’t strike me as the type to have that kind of money. They live in an old dump.

A part of me was hoping inmates at the jail would forget me, but nope. I got a letter from Mary! It was so nice, and I just can’t turn my back on her. Fuck what the state and government say. Who the fuck are they to tell me who I can and can’t have for friends anyway? I’m sick of being told what to do! I did tell her, though, that because one of the terms of my probation forbids me any contact with those with criminal records, even though I know she’s no “criminal,” I do have to limit my writing for now.

Mary, who’s back in M201, says that she was thinking of what a wonderful journalist I am and was wondering if I’d be willing to write a book on her behalf. She says her prosecutors want her to write one, but she doesn’t think she has what it takes. She plans to have a book started in the near future – “The Story of Baby Gretchen, who touched our lives forever.” She said it’s the only way she knows how to say a proper goodbye to her little queen who was her world. She says she hopes it’ll help other women get away from abusive men before it’s too late.

In my reply, I asked her why she was still there and assured her that although I’m flattered she thinks I’m a good journalist and would be honored to write for her, she is a good writer, too. I’ve seen enough of her writing to know. I told her, though, to be more specific as to what she wants. Am I to type up rough drafts for her, or what? I also need to know more about her case. All I know is that her ex killed her baby when she was at work. I told her I could probably get permission from my PO to do the book for her, although I think that by the time this book was ever published, I’d be off probation anyway.

I promised Mary that after 03, when my probation ends, I’d send her a copy of my jailhouse journal. Meanwhile, I sent her a clip from the night she told Palma I had a crush on her, the day I went to M Dorm for the last time.

Wouldn’t it be funny if one of the reasons I was meant to be thrown in that place, as unfair as it was, wasn’t only to meet Teddy Bear, but to write this book, too? I wouldn’t count on it, though. We’ll just have to wait and see what happens.

TUESDAY, MAY 29, 2001
Been home for a month now. The time really flies when you’re not counting down the days!

I walked for a half hour, worked out, sang, cleaned, and cooked, and after working on my jailhouse journal for a while, I’ll go to work for the freeloaders by finishing up the remaining 60 or so bottles I have left.

MONDAY, MAY 28, 2001
The babies have ears now. They’re born with them stuck to their heads, but they just popped out. Their eyes still aren’t open yet, but in another day or two, they will be.

I haven’t had any jail-related dreams or bad vibes since being home, to my surprise, but this is an excellent sign. Before sentencing last October 30th, I had nothing but freeloader, pig, and jail-related dreams.

SUNDAY, MAY 27, 2001
Got a good shot of the pinkies yesterday, and no, there aren’t 7 or 8. There are 12! We went from 3 mice to 15! I’m going to let her have another batch, then I’ll separate the sexes. I doubt she’ll have a dozen again, though. Back in Phoenix, when I tried to shoot the first sets of babies, they came out all blurry. The digital camera can focus on smaller things much better.

It was so cute how The Gray Lady moved the babies like a cat moves her kittens after I cleaned the cage.

Tomorrow’s going to be 100% freeloaderless. Absolutely nothing I do will have any connection to the freeloaders whatsoever. Not when I sleep, not when I get up, not what I do – nothing. If I need to sleep 9 or 10 hours tomorrow, that’s what I’ll do. I’m not one who can go to bed earlier when she’s backed up on her sleep. This means I have to sleep in later, instead. Once a week I need a day in my life without it revolving around the freeloaders.

SATURDAY, MAY 26, 2001
Just a quick update. My visit to Scot was as he said most visits would be – short and sweet. He informed me that my piss test came back clean (good, they didn’t plant anything in it)! and said he wasn’t going to do one that day (yesterday). He said that since I wasn’t in on a drug charge, the tests would lessen in time.

He asked why Helen hasn’t returned his call. I have no idea why. If she still hasn’t talked to him by the time I see her in mid-June, I’ll mention it to her.

Due to the fact that it was a wet winter for a change, we’ve got these things sprouting up all over the place that Tom insists are cactuses. I don’t think so. I think they’re just fancy weeds, but we’ll see what they turn into.

The biggest change around here is that Dan’s old single-wide was yanked out and now they’re in the midst of putting a new small double-wide in its place. The new house hasn’t been put in place yet, cuz the site hasn’t been prepped, and the old house is sitting way down at the other end of the property. Tom says newer houses will up our property value. Although I can’t imagine any blacks or Mexicans being able to afford the place, if it’s freeloaders - we’re out of here. I won’t do freeloaders for neighbors ever again! It’s very unlikely Teddy Bear bought the place. It’s too fast for her to have bought the place, then got the new house hauled in.

Still, there’s a lot of land for sale around here. If she hasn’t moved, though, by the time I talk to her, I’ll let her know that Tom and I discussed it and decided we’d sell her an acre and let her live on our land. That’d be so cool! But if having her as a neighbor is too good to be true, having her on our land is definitely too good to be true. We’d have to sell her the land, rather than give it to her because she no doubt has a gun (it would only take a buck to make it legal). The government, which likes to tell people what to do, says I can’t have a gun while I’m on probation, but if it’s her land, it’s her land and it’s got nothing to do with us.

We dropped off 171 bottles at the recycling place and Gina was nice enough to round it off to 180. She’ll tell Scot I did 9 hours of work. There were no bottles to pick up today, so I have 60 left to do that are soaking in the tub right now.

THURSDAY, MAY 24, 2001
After 12 hours of working for the freeloaders, scraping labels off of bottles, I decided to take a day off. Just a day in my life without anything I do being connected to the freeloaders! freeloaders, freeloaders, freeloaders!!! That’s all my life is – serving the freeloaders. Doing this because of the freeloaders, doing that because of the freeloaders. freeloader this, freeloader that – ugh! The freeloaders control and disrupt the use of my bathtub (because that’s where the bottles are soaking). The freeloaders control and disrupt my walking path (because that’s where the boxes of bottles that are done are sitting). Then tomorrow I’ll have to piss for someone for them, and hope I don’t get thrown back in jail for something they framed me for.

Tom insists they’re done with me and that they’re not going to bother doing anything else to me. Especially with me being out of Maricopa County. But we didn’t think they’d go as far as they already have either, so anything’s possible when it involves these freeloaders and their piggy connection.

As funny as this may sound, Tom and I were discussing how we’d prefer this bullshit to stay listed as a felony, rather than be dropped to a misdemeanor upon completing successful probation (if no one fucks it up for me). If it stays listed as a felony, I don’t have to worry about being badgered to do jury duty, which I refuse to do, and it’s not like I’ll ever be working outside of the house. Like Tom, I’m totally prejudiced against anyone within the system, meaning pigs, lawyers and judges, and I refuse to have anything to do with them. They’re nothing but corrupt, lying, power-hungry demons with no conscience whatsoever as to whom they hurt. Tom pointed out something that made perfect sense, but that I didn’t quite realize because I try not to think of this bullshit. The more I think about it, the more it just pisses me off. I knew that like me, he blames the pigs and lawyer for this, but he says he also blames the judge. When I pointed out that the judge was simply going by what was presented to him with no way to know it was planted evidence, he reminded me of things the judge said that meant he did know the evidence was bullshit and said that he blames him for ignoring those who are framed, and we know I’m not the only one that this happens to. It’s true that I remember certain statements he made that were a dead giveaway to his knowing what was going on. He had to have known.

There is some good news amid all this bullshit. The Gray Lady had babies! Lots of them, too. Like 7 or 8 of them. They were born some time on the 23rd.

TUESDAY, MAY 22, 2001
Another day of probation stress, black bitch and pig worries and fears, and missing my Teddy Bear. At least I’m free most of the time and don’t have to worry about getting a psycho celly! I wonder – could Teddy Bear miss me as much as I miss her? I doubt it, or else she’d have broken down and called by now. Tom said that losing a job is scary to a lot of people. Not that scary, I’d think.

Tom said he thought he heard hammering at Dan’s place Sunday when he was out working on the sheds. He couldn’t be sure it was coming from there, though. Neither of us has seen anyone over there. There have been no lights on at night. My vibe has faded a bit as far as her getting the place. I knew it was too good to be true anyway, but at least we’re in the same state. That couldn’t have been her hammering, cuz she wouldn’t hammer anything before moving in. I think she’d move in first and then fix up whatever needed fixing up. Most people usually do their moving on the 1st, so it’ll be interesting to see if there’s any activity over there on the 1st, but I doubt there will be. She probably decided the place was either too far out, too dumpy, or maybe they were asking too much for the place. If the price was right, though, and it wasn’t such a long drive to the jail, I’d think the place would be perfect for her. She really goes with the place. She just seems so much more of a country girl than a city girl. I can totally picture her on a horse out here, whereas Palma would look so out of place.

Tom asked if it’d be OK if we could “try” to have sex this week, saying he wanted to mention it so I wasn’t caught off guard. I’m at such a tug-of-war with myself over that! Naturally, I want to please him and do what he wants, but I’m just so sick of sex with him after all these years. Do you know how bad that sounds? He said. I understand that, and I’m sorry, but what was I to do? Lie to him? It isn’t him. I love him more and more each year. It’s just that I no longer find sex new and exciting. Especially after doing it with the same person for so many years. At least his not cumming will no longer be an issue. I don’t want him to cum. Why make a mess when you’re just as content not to cum and you’re not trying to get make a baby? So now that that’s out of the way and no longer a problem, my new problem, since I’m sexually cursed, is dealing with the fact that I’m so bored by it. I feel not one ounce of desire for Tom sexually. There’s no spark whatsoever. All I feel for him is emotional. It makes me wonder – what problems would Teddy Bear and I have if we got into it sexually? How long would it take before one of us or both of us was sick of the sex?

Got a letter from Paula, saying she’s glad I’m out of jail, she got Section 8, someone called DSS cuz of problems Justin was having in school, she’s waiting to see a guy who’s in jail, and things like that. I was right too, about her being between phones now. She owes a couple of hundred bucks. But if she’s only paying a few hundred a month in rent, she should be able to pay it off soon. She gets a ton of money each month.

This bottle thing has me wanting to do things to the bitch that I don’t dare put in writing. Ugh! Someone make the mother-fuckers disappear, please! I never would’ve believed it in a million years if someone told me just how much hell those freeloaders were going to inflict upon me and my life. Some of the labels fall right off, but for the most part, it’s a fucking bitch.

SUNDAY, MAY 20, 2001
How could I have been so dumb not to see that yes, the Mexicans really did move for sure, and why they split. As Tom pointed out today, they were illegals, so when things started heating up with the shit they started with me, they ran. Meanwhile, the dumb and blind DA assumed they all ran out of fear of me “stalking” them.

This is exactly what I mean when I say that people will put themselves out to get at others. They fucked themselves over, giving up a free house, just to get at me. That’s how desperate and obsessive these sick freeloaders are, and that’s scary. They’re not going to just go away when my probation ends.

Poor Tom had to work all day and night yesterday. He worked from 7 AM - AM, but it earned him 2 days off. Now that he gets a salary, he gets time off for overtime, rather than more money.

Ever since going to jail, I’m miraculously cured of getting upset stomachs when I eat dairy. Now I can enjoy things like milkshakes.

Gina, the lady from the recycling center, was nice enough to bring over some bottles yesterday. They consider 100 bottles to be 5 hours’ worth of work, but since no one picked any up yesterday, she brought me over 200 bottles. I have 80 of them soaking in the tub. I wish we had a pool! I’d just throw them all in there. Since we don’t, thank God for this huge tub, and thank God the shower stalls are separate from it, so we can still shower. I just can’t take a bath for a week on account of the black bitch. She even controls when I can use my own bathtub! Anyway, there’ll be 3 tub loads soaking 2 days each. Some of the labels will just fall right off, but for the most part, I think it’s gonna be a bitch, scrubbing off the glue that’s the adhesive for the labels. They have to be spotless for what they do with them. They melt them down, sand them smooth and put designs on them, so they’re like decorative plates, only in the form of a flattened bottle.

Since there’s no Harry to go with Tom and Dick, I’ve officially changed their names. Tom’s now Little Buddy and Dick’s Sneezy. Lazy would’ve also been an appropriate name for him too since he never comes out. Keeping up with just Little Buddy is enough of a job for me, though!

FRIDAY, MAY 18, 2001
The man with the easy-going voice, Scot, is my PO. We met with him yesterday in Casa Grande and it was both good and bad. Just when I think those freeloaders have taken all they can of my dignity, and can’t surprise me with anything new, they do. There’s no end to what I have to endure on account of them! I had to pee right in front of a female PO. I guess this is so that if you’re on drugs, you can’t use someone else’s clean pee. I was really surprised to be hit with a drug test because my case isn’t even drug-related. All this stemming from loud music!!! I couldn’t go at first. I was just too humiliated. I had to wait a while until I felt like my bladder would burst.

Tom said he went through the same embarrassment in the Air Force. Yeah, but at least he chose to be in the Air Force. I didn’t choose to be a victim of lying, vindictive freeloaders with connections to the corrupt “justice” system.

Scot looked a little older than I pictured him to look. He’s probably late 30’s or so. He’s short and stout.

He surprised me by saying that he didn’t care if I worked at home. Good, because I don’t have a choice. He also surprised us both by informing us that he has an office in Maricopa too, and that I can do community service at home. I guess I’m going to be picking up wine bottles and stripping them of their labels. Our tub’s so big, we could soak a lot of bottles in it till the labels fell off on their own!

My 4 main worries right now are as follows:

I worry that he may not accept farming as a “good enough” job, so to speak, after a while.

I worry that Helen doesn’t have all the necessary credentials they want and that I’ll have to start over with someone new.

I worry that I’ll be framed for more shit. Tom says it’s not likely they’ll continue to fuck with me out here since her connections were in Maricopa County, but what happened to me can happen to anyone, and it can happen more than once, too.

I also worry about them searching the place, which they don’t need a warrant for. I know we have nothing to hide. That’s not the issue. The issue is them doing it just to do it, and them taking shit just to be taking shit, as the Shadow Men did. They took shit that was perfectly legal and allowed in jail just because they couldn’t find anything to take that wasn’t legal or allowed. Power-play is everywhere when it comes to authority figures and we don’t need or want anyone going through our shit and stripping us of yet even more dignity.

Anyway, the meeting was mostly boring, because he went over the same old shit that’s been gone over with me a million times already. He wants me to see him twice a month and he says he’s coming to the house twice a month, too. I was surprised he wants to see me only twice a month. I thought it’d be more like 4 times a month (yeah, and I’m sure I have dozens more humiliating, degrading piss shows to put on for lady POs, too). I was also surprised he said he’s going to come to the house twice a month. That, I thought would only be a one-time thing to verify I live here. So, I have a long time to make sure I stay on a day schedule, thanks to the fucking freeloaders who still own and control my life.

Believe it or not, some parts of this probation shit are even harder than being in jail! In jail, I didn’t have to worry about my schedule. All the noise and shit that’d be going on from 6 AM-noon would keep me on schedule. At least I’m free and have my life to myself some of the time, and don’t have to worry about crazy, loud or rude cellies! Oh, how I miss my Teddy Bear, though! Day after day I miss and think of her, looking so forward to the day we meet again, wherever she lives.

Logically speaking, he shouldn’t visit the house till June because that’s when my probation starts. However, he told me to jump on the community service as soon as I could, since I’m “not working” (no homemaker is ever working).

When I asked if I could work any probation time off by doing extra community service, he informed me of what I already figured – that judging by what the “victims” said, I have no chance of getting off probation early. In other words, the vengeful, spiteful, vindictive bitch lied bad enough, using her piggy connection to coach her along the way, so that as always, I don’t stand a chance against her. She wins. Always has, always will.

Always with her, always with me.

Although neither of us picked up bad vibes from Scot, you just never do know. Neither of us trusts anyone within law enforcement. Except for Teddy Bear, of course, who Tom guessed might be a UPS driver. That’s physical and that’s delivering stuff, but that doesn’t fit with how she said her other job threw more work at her. Why would UPS suddenly throw more work at her? I’d think they’d be pretty consistent.

Anyway, Tom and I talked about maybe leaving this communist country and its corrupt government and law officials, but that’d take many years of saving up. And who knows where we’d go? There are not too many places that are much better than the US.

Scot also told me that if I have any arrests or contact with the police, I’m to contact him right away (yeah, I’ll let him know if I receive any police harassment). The same goes for if I see my two “victims.” Two victims? I thought the Mexicans were supposed to be out of this as soon as I was suckered into pleading guilty. Anyway, he told me to just walk away if I saw them. Walk? Fuck walk! I’d run! My “victims” are really my enemies and believe me, I wouldn’t be sticking around.

Although we did let Scot know I was innocent of what I was convicted of, he said what I figured he’d say, but what could he say? He has no control over that. He did say that people tell him all the time that they’re innocent. I’m sure they do, and in the past, I’d have said that they were all lying and that anyone in jail deserves to be there, but not after what’s happened to me. I know I’m far from the only one who’s been framed. I know there are a lot of people in jail who were framed. And you don’t think it can happen to you till it does. Until then, being set up like I only happened to other people or so I thought.

After leaving Scot’s, we went to Walgreens. I picked up a couple of large sports bras since I’m not going to lose weight again. I also got a puzzle and the best stuffed animal I’ve ever had. And I’m not big on stuffed animals, either. I see them as nothing but cute dust collectors. However, this lifelike dog I got was so cool looking. I was surprised it was only $15. It’s posed sitting on its tush and its head comes to just a few inches below my hip. It sort of looks like a collie, but it isn’t. It’s pretty realistic looking for a $15 stuffed animal. Tom and I were joking that we lied to Scot when we told him we don’t have any dogs!

THURSDAY, MAY 17, 2001
A guy from the probation department called a couple of days ago and left a message. He wanted me to call him yesterday to verify that I was at this number, then to call him today to set up a time to meet. All he said was he received my folder and was to determine whether or not he could take my case. Something like that, anyway. Judging by the sound of his voice; if he could be my PO, I just might have it made. He sounded pretty passive. I still picture myself getting stuck with some big old mean prejudiced black PO, though. This guy didn’t sound the least bit black.

Gizzy, the old mouse, died the other day, but at least The Gray Lady’s looking more and more pregnant.

Tom the rat is so playful! I never had a rat this playful. He loves to run around and chase me.

An unwanted friend came to see me yesterday. Yeah, I killed my first scorpion. Oh, how I wished Tom was home to deal with it! It was up near where the ceiling peaks, so I hit it with bug spray, hoping it’d fall down so I could suck it up with the vacuum, but it didn’t. So, I knocked it off with the broom. It was still alive, but barely, before I sucked it up.

I asked Tom if Mom and Mary dumped him because of me because I noticed they hadn’t called and he hadn’t visited them since my release, but he said the only reason he hadn’t been to visit was that they’ve been so caught up in themselves. Then Mary called last night. She thought I wasn’t to get out till sometime this month. Mom’s going on a long vacation with Johnny and Evelyn in their motor home, and Mary said we could stop by with or without Mom there.

SUNDAY, MAY 13, 2001
My schedule’s gone haywire again, now that I don’t have a million things to get up for. I never thought I’d sleep like this again. It won’t last more than a handful of months or years, though.

Just finished exercising. Before I was doing my upper body every other day and my lower body every other day and walking 20 minutes daily. Now I’m doing a total body workout every other day and walking 30 minutes every other day. I’m currently 116 pounds.

Tom and Dick are adjusting well. Tom and I really like each other, but Dick’s still a bit timid. Tom likes to run all over the place at night. He gets really playful.

The one and only mouse that was alive before I went to jail is very old and arthritic, but the newcomers look OK. If the Gray Lady’s pregnant, it doesn’t show.

The new wheel mouse I got turned out to be a real pain in the ass because the ball kept sticking, so Tom gave me back my old wheel mouse, and installed a new modem for me, too. I went online and browsed various sites. I did find a site about Mary’s ex being indicted for murder but couldn’t access it. Figures, huh?

Tom showed me a better game site.

Tom and I were discussing just how fucked up the world is. Especially this country and its government. Its control freaks really scare me to think of.

Everyone wants to kill the guy who did the Oklahoma City bombing because he felt that somebody had to fight back against the government, and too bad that innocent people got killed. Meanwhile, had everyone suddenly become a millionaire because of it, he’d be a hero instead.

Tom knows this lady at work whose husband was deliberately cut off while driving. He gave them a taste of their own medicine and cut them off. Then they cut him off again and so did he. Then he, the one who didn’t even start the shit, got arrested and charged with child endangerment simply cuz a kid was in the car. Oh, so we’re endangering kids when we cut each other off, but not adults? God, I love this world!

Some pig in Cincinnati shot an unarmed black. It’s true that no unarmed person should be shot, regardless of color, but what kills me is that the pig was charged with a misdemeanor, while the journalist goes to jail for the people who harassed her for years, charged with a felony for speaking her mind. And of course, the city’s blacks, being the poor losers that they are, had to riot about it. That’s a black’s way of dealing with things that piss them off – to riot and hurt and steal from innocent people. Do the people that pissed them off get hurt or stolen from? No. Do they get anything changed/accomplished by throwing their tantrums? No.

Another thing that gets me is how people don’t expect a reaction when they fuck with someone, then they act all shocked when they do get one, and then the law says it’s wrong. Wrong to fight back, basically. Could the freeloaders really be that stupid that they thought they could shit on us and not get some sort of reaction? Whatever gave them the impression we’d just sit back and take it?

Later…

I was browsing through the white pages online out of curiosity. There were no hits for Juanita Palma, but that could still be her name, and she could still be unlisted. Her phone could also be in someone else’s name, too.

If Teddy Bear lives alone like I think she does, it’s unlikely her first name is Rachel, unless she’s unlisted. The 3 Rachels I got were in Tucson and Prescot. It’s more likely that she’s a Renee, Rebecca, Rhonda or even a Rita, though that one’s unlikely. I didn’t check other ways to spell Renee and Rhonda. I didn’t check Rhoda, either.

I checked for Ron F, Ida’s husband’s name, and got one in Glendale. She told me she lives in Chandler, though.

FRIDAY, MAY 11, 2001
After being weak and sickly since around the time I came home, Harry died. Did he die of a broken heart over Houdini? Did I jinx him? Or was there some other reason?

Tom gave me a keyboard with a lighter touch. The other one’s keys were stiff as shit. Now I just need a different mouse. The ball keeps getting stuck on this one.

After learning to sleep through noise in jail, I’ve been sleeping with the fan on low, rather than high. That may change periodically. It’s just been unusually quiet since I’ve been back. The renters have been lying low, and I agree with Tom when he says he doesn’t think Dan’s been around all winter. It’s been too quiet over there. No lights, no music, no engines. Tom says it looks like he’s moved already. Maybe that’s why he quit trying to sell the place himself and is having a Realtor handle it; so he could get out of there sooner. Maybe that’s a good thing because he ought to be desperate by now. Desperate enough to give Teddy Bear a major break on the price.

Tom picked up some mace for me today. Hopefully, I won’t need to use it on any dogs or any vindictive freeloaders, but actually, I want them to dare themselves to show up here. I wish they would! I may’ve gotten Teddy Bear and a lot of interesting and new things out of my being jailed, but they still fucked me over.

Miss Jackson and her friends may be innocent of stealing my mail, after all. This is because of the dates. The mail that’s missing is from 3/3-3/7. The Shadow Men came on the 6th. Tom had a couple of suggestions. One is that maybe a DO took it because of the way inmates were paranoid about me writing a book. Highly unlikely. Another is that when the PO Box got full, maybe the PO sent them back, and the jail never gave them to me. That seems like it may be the most likely thing that happened. As for the other 4 pages that are missing from around the start of the year – that was probably the PO fucking up.

An out-of-area call came today (I didn’t get up till 3:00). I wonder if it could’ve been Ida. I’d think she’d leave a message, though, and because I haven’t heard from her yet, I doubt I ever will. That is unless she’s already gone to Germany.

WEDNESDAY, MAY 9, 2001
My guess was right. Unless Paula has a new number, she’s phoneless right now. I called her, but someone else answered, telling me I had the wrong number. I’m going to tell her in my next letter to to write me if she can’t call me, to at least let me know she’s getting my mail before I go sending any more to her.

TUESDAY, MAY 8, 2001
I called Helen and spoke to her. She sounded really glad to hear from me. I asked her if she wanted my documentation of jail all at once, or as I typed them up, and she said I could bring them in as I typed them up. I made a couple of evening appointments, two weeks apart, for the month of June.

I also called the probation department and was told they haven’t received my paperwork yet.

I tried to call Dr. Rose to get an otologist referral to get my ear cleaned, but I can’t get through. I hate dealing with doctors!

Later I’ll try calling Paula. Because of the fact that she hasn’t called me, I’m wondering if she even has a phone at the moment.

I’m ticked at Tom because every time I turn around, I find something else he let the rats chew on while I was gone. He knew better, and he gave me his word that he would watch them. Well, he didn’t.

I thought of an easier way to make mashed potatoes. Rather than peel, cut and boil them, which can also get a little messy, I find it’s easier to bake them, then skin them like I do when I’m making us baked potatoes, dump them into a big pot, then add milk and butter to them. After I’ve done that, I take the masher and mash them up.

I miss my Teddy Bear! I can’t get that woman off my mind. I think of her every day, and I wonder – does she think of me, too? And what would’ve happened the last night I was there with her if Misha hadn’t been in the picture? What would she have said to me? Would she have hugged or kissed me in the end?

Will she be single till I see her again? If we do have an intimate relationship, how long will it be before she’s with a lady she can live with and have full-time? I know that’d be inevitable, but she’s worth any amount of time I can have with her, and again, I know we’ll be more than friends.

Later…

I’m seething with rage right now at the black bitch. Not the old neighbor black bitch, but the Jail Intelligence one called Jackson. I didn’t discover it till today, but 20 journal pages from early March are missing. I was pissed at Tom because he said he was keeping track and that nothing was missing. Not that I could do a damn thing about it, as usual, whenever someone decides to fuck me over, but I trusted him. I’m not nearly as pissed at him as I am at that fucking bitch – ugh!!! And I know it was her and the Shadow Men that stole it because the pages were written right after they went butting into my business, being power-hungry control freaks, ripping me off. This is illegal too, to steal someone else’s mail, but of course, they can make or break the laws whenever they fucking feel like it. By law, they should’ve notified me that they were going to go meddling in my mail and mailed Tom at least copies of the stuff because technically, it was his mail being addressed to him. Since I obviously don’t have the right to write what I want to in my own journals, I’ve quit using the N-word in parts of my journals that I may choose to share with others, since people act like it’s an illegal word. Whatever happened to – sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me? Calling a child fat, ugly and stupid is one thing, but if an adult can’t handle being called a name in someone else’s journal that they shouldn’t even be sticking their nose in, then as far as I’m concerned – that’s their problem! Meanwhile, I believe in freedom of speech and I’m not going to stop expressing myself as I see fit in my own journals! No one’s taking from me again – no one! I am not a child and I will not be treated like one. I’m sick of being controlled, sick of being ripped off, sick of this fucking world! Tom says control freaks are everywhere in this country. Yeah, well, they’re gonna have to rip someone else off and control them. I’m through with society and its fucking bullshit.

There are also 4 pages missing from earlier in my sentence. I’ll do my best to fill in the gaps. Although there are only 5 days’ worth of stuff missing, thanks to Miss Nosy Jackson, I wrote an awful lot. I averaged about 4-6 pages a day while I was in there.

Mark my words, those of you who have used and abused the law against me – you will be dealt with in the appropriate ways. I don’t know how, I don’t know when, but everything that needs to be done to expose and bring these people to justice will be done. Then, their lives will be more miserable than mine’s ever been. They won’t be messing with anyone else, either. I’m not just making sure these people get what they deserve for my sake. I’m protecting others from going through the same thing, or worse. I don’t just get mad, I get even. And I do it in ways where any innocent people who haven’t wronged me don’t get hurt. For now, I will not write anymore on the subject until what’s done is done.

Tom says it’s like this all over the country with people being obsessed with controlling others. Yeah, I know. But that doesn’t make it any easier to deal with.

MONDAY, MAY 7, 2001
Tom’s first day back at work was hectic. They had a machine down. On the good side of it – he got a $600 bonus!

I’ve been cooking and cleaning. It sure feels good to be back to being the wife/homemaker that I am. Wish I could be Teddy Bear’s wife/homemaker, too!

Back when I only suspected Teddy Bear liked me too, but didn’t know it for sure, I had vibes telling me we had been connected for a very special reason(s) and that we were to play important roles in each other lives. Well, we’ll see. I also had a vibe the other day that Teddy Bear will be buying Dan’s place. Time will tell if it’s true or just plain old wishing thinking. She totally goes with this place, though. I mean, I can picture her living in the country. She seems much more of a country girl, whereas someone like Palma clashes with the place. Palma would probably be miserable out here.

Instead of taking bags of trash to dump in Mary’s dumpster, we’re burning everything. Anything that won’t burn or that could explode, like batteries, gets buried along with the ashes.

Tom got 2 good-sized sheds up at the side of the house. They almost look like giant refrigerators. We’re definitely going to paint them.

He caught a toad earlier to show me, then we let it get away.

I don’t like this keyboard I’m typing on as much because the keys feel stiffer. That’s what I get for spilling coffee on my other one!

I’ve been walking and working out. I’m not as weak as I thought I’d be for being away from the Bowflex for so long. I only had to drop the weight by 5 pounds, and not on all exercises.

SUNDAY, MAY 6, 2001
I’m really cursed in the rodent department lately. Now Teddy Bear doesn’t look well. She’s weak and I found her bleeding. At first I thought the bleeding was coming from her nose, but it looks like it’s coming from her paw. It doesn’t look like anything Harry did. They’ve always gotten along, and I would’ve heard the commotion going on if they were fighting. I don’t know what it is or if she’ll live, but I tend to doubt it. Never have I had a sick rodent recover. It’s really too bad too, because this one really likes me, and I really like her. I think she may be pregnant, too. Tom suggested that maybe she had an infection that she instinctively bit to bleed clean, and maybe being pregnant is tiring her out. Well, she’s not all scrawny like Harry and like most dying rats are.

So far, the other mice and Tom and Dick are full of spunk and good health.

I was going to start working out today, but the doll cleaning, among other forms of cleaning, really wiped me out. I don’t know why. I slept for 11 hours. Yet I’ve been tired all day.

Later…

I can’t believe that 2 out of the 7 animals we got are already dead! What the fuck is going on?

SATURDAY, MAY 5, 2001
The mouse that I noticed looked sickly when we got home did die. Oh well. Tom can stop in and get another mouse tomorrow. He’ll be in the area grocery shopping.

FRIDAY, MAY 4, 2001
I can’t believe it took me this long to figure out how my fingerprints got on threatening letters I never sent! How could I have been so stupid?! When the pig was interrogating me, he asked if I recognized these “letters,” which he handed to me. That’s how my prints got on them and that’s how the fucking bastard of a pig framed me. Wait till I tell Tom tomorrow, who’s in bed now. Again, though, the problem is proving it. The freeloaders would have to be recorded discussing it, and I don’t see how that’ll ever happen.

In about 6 hours, I’ll get to sleep through another “Are you OK?” from the nurse on my soft, comfortable bed. Then they’ll exchange towels for the 4th time that week. Then Baldilocks will be yelling on her hour out, and on and on and on!

In the end, Palma would be the highlight of A Tower, and Teddy Bear would be the highlight of M Dorm. Most of the DOs were cool, once they got to know you.

I still can’t say I really have any regrets. Not with all I learned about life and even myself. I learned I’m tougher than I thought I was, met interesting people, and fell in love with such a wonderful woman. And it was mutual! All I regret is the time I lost from Tom, the animals, the house, and the negatives of being in jail – the shitty food, the cold showers, the hard beds, the bad bunkies, and the lost sleep.

For now, I just enjoy my freedom and wait for my Teddy Bear (and hope nothing fucks it up in the meantime). I know she’ll be in my future.

And between my legs.

It’s inevitable. I just know it.

I will be blessed with two loves – a man and a woman. Do I feel any guilt over having the best of both worlds and leaving jail twice loved? Nope. If Tom had a problem with Teddy Bear, he’d have said so by now, and I don’t think the man’s stupid. He knows we won’t be just friends. Another reason I don’t feel guilty is that the man hasn’t shown an ounce of desire for me since I’ve been home, but as you know, this has been going on for years. It was only at the beginning of our relationship that he lusted for me. This has become a mutual thing over time. I don’t have any desire for him, either. After so many years of screwing the same person, it gets old. I’m sure I’ll tire of Teddy Bear someday too, when it’s no longer new and exciting. So why do I stay with him? Because I love him, and I know he loves me. I think my relationship with Teddy Bear will be more of a lust thing. I’m not gonna say I don’t have any feelings for her, because I do. Especially with all she’s done to help me. And I know there are feelings on her part too, or else she wouldn’t have bothered doing the things she’s done for me.

Unlike mine, Tom says his gut instinct is that she won’t contact me before a year is up for fear of it getting back to my PO.

Now, how would it do that?

She won’t wait.

Later…

While we were bombing the house, we went to two different pet stores today and got a total of 7 new animals! At Petsmart, we got a couple of male fancy rats. I named them Tom and Dick to go with Harry. At Petco, I got a female jumbo rat who looks exactly like Houdini and named her Teddy Bear. There, I also got 4 mice, but one of them, like Harry, doesn’t look like it’ll make it. I got one gray female and 3 male mice. Two of the males are dark brown and white, and one is brown.

THURSDAY, MAY 3, 2001
I’m still a bit busy to be writing much. It feels great to be so busy and active for a change!

I still haven’t called Helen or Paula or worked out yet, but I will just as soon as the spring cleaning’s done and he’s off vacation.

Today we didn’t do as much. Just went out to Dairy Queen, the PO, and Circle K. All I got at Circle K was coffee. I just can’t stand anything rich or sweet anymore after living on that month after month. I also helped him with the sheds a bit, then we read together. I made a walking track in the living and dining area that’s approximately the same size as the one in M Dorm so I can walk 20 minutes a day. Yeah, at my convenience! Not when someone else says I can, which may be just a few hours after I’ve gone to bed.

Keeping a schedule at home is harder. It’s easier to fall asleep around the same time in jail cuz you don’t do anything but lay there or listen to the radio. Here, there are all kinds of things to be doing. Also, it’s easier to get up around the same time in jail due to all the noise and shit that goes on in the mornings. Last night I didn’t get to sleep till around 5 AM and didn’t get up till 1 PM.

Tomorrow we’ll be bombing and buying rats and mice!

A snake was apparently living in this giant bin he’s got outside because he found a snakeskin that a snake had shed in there.

Teddy Bear, I miss you! Have you been to check out the area yet? I hope so!

I converted some pictures I don’t use as wallpaper from BMPs to JPGs.

My teeth are noticeably whiter now that I can use an electric toothbrush again. I still need them scaled and filled, though.

WEDNESDAY, MAY 2, 2001
On the way home from jail I mentioned how psyched I was to see Houdini, and that’s when Tom came out and told me he was dying of a tumor. I nearly choked on my chicken strip. How fucking unfair! How sad and mad I was to have buried one rat just a couple of days before I went in, and just a couple of days after coming out, I’d be burying another one, which we ended up having to do today. He rests by Ratsy and Scuttles. It saddens me to know we’ll never play like we used to, but it would’ve been all the harder on me had I been here all along these last 6 months. Friday, while we bomb, we’re going to get new rats and mice. Right now we only have one rat and one mouse.

From what I counted, I sent home about 80 envelopes while I was in jail. Page 37 is missing. Was it stolen? Lost? Or is it waiting to be picked up at the PO? We’ll see.

Sure enough, the house was trashed, though not as bad as I thought it’d be. It was horrendous in certain areas. I know Tom’s been busy, but once again, if he’d kept up on it as he led me to believe he was, it wouldn’t have had to get this way. Nonetheless, I planned on doing a thorough cleaning once I got home, anyway. I’m going room by room. I did the master bath today, and tomorrow I’ll do the bedroom and retreat. Yes, I’m already working.

I like the new air cleaner that Tom got in addition to our old one that plugs into the wall and the new kind of sawdust he’s been using. It absorbs much better. The place would stink with the old stuff and the old air cleaner running on high, but with this stuff, and with the two air cleaners on low, it doesn’t stink unless you stick your nose right in the cages.

I finally got to open my Christmas presents, and yes, one was a doll. It’s a pretty one too, with brown eyes and auburn hair. Her name’s Autumn and she’s a foot tall. Got a couple of pairs of slipper socks, a couple of small stuffed animals, and some stupid thing called The Cup of Destiny. It’s some kind of fortune-telling thing, with a cup and saucer with symbols on it. It’s got a book too, but I haven’t read it yet. We also got a candle set. That’ll come in handy come the monsoon season. I can’t wait for that! I love the kick-ass, exciting storms we get out here. Especially now that the front door doesn’t leak underneath it since he sealed it up good with weather stripping.

It turns out that they didn’t have to cut my ring to enlarge it. All they did was just stretch it. It’s more comfortable now.

Quite by accident, I’ve lost 2 pounds since being home. Guess that’s what happens when you’re suddenly 10 times more active and not eating 5 candy bars a day.

I’m not as emotional about being back as I thought I’d be. I guess that’s cuz jail didn’t turn out to be so bad after all. Just boring and uncomfortable, with shitty food. Oh, how I miss my Teddy Bear! She’s never far from my thoughts. Anyway, being home feels different than I thought it’d feel. For the most part, I wouldn’t know there was that 6-month gap. Some things I’d forget and have to take a moment to think about to remember, like where the dishes were kept, how to save stuff to disks, etc. Tom refreshed my memory on how to superimpose, so I’m ready for Teddy Bear whenever she shows up.

I haven’t had the nightmares I expected to have about being stuck back in jail.

Listening to music on my stereo has been great. The base was a bit overwhelming to me at first, though. I’m getting used to that again too, while enjoying my old CDs and the 5 new ones I just got of various artists.

The visit to the PO went way better than I ever dreamt it could go. That explains why I didn’t have bad vibes upon going there, but there’s nothing to say that things might not change. It’s too soon to be too hopeful about it because I didn’t even see Mary B. I saw some guy. According to him, seeing Helen should take care of the anger management classes. Meaning, that’s part of it; my being counseled by her. Also, living here and being a homemaker with plans to farm her acreage might not be a problem, either, since what they’re mostly concerned about is their damn money (unless someone else tells me differently). I was like – you mean I worried my ass off over this shit for nothing for 6 months?!

Well, better to worry for nothing, I guess.

Meanwhile, while they’re doing my courtesy transfer to Pinal County, and until they receive all my paperwork, all I have to do is call in once a week.

The only neg to the visit was finding out I can’t write to Mary, Marla, or anyone that’s either in jail or on probation (Ida’s not on probation). I hate to ditch them, but I’m not taking any chances whatsoever. I’ve only sent out letters to Paula, Officer Rule, and Ida, who’s gonna shit when I tell her about Teddy Bear. I decided not to bother with Mom. At least not for now. She and Mary haven’t even called to see how I’m doing.

After reporting to the PO office, we went to the mall. He got jail food (a hot dog) and I got Chinese. Then we hit Fry’s electronics. That’s where I got the CDs, 10 colorful CD cases, 20 colorful disks, a new modem, and a new wireless mouse with a side clicker and a wheel. Our last stop was the grocery store. For $10 I bought a pre-cooked lobster and it was great. More than just a few bites too, so I decided we could postpone Red Lobster.

Got home around 8:00 my first day home, then slept a couple of hours around 2:00. When I finally did fall asleep around midnight, I slept a whopping 9 hours straight. Yesterday and today, though, I only slept 5-6 hours, which has become the norm for me.

When I first went to jail, I was stuck all the time. In the end, I was regular. I’ve been stuck for two days now, now that I have to get used to this new way of eating all over again.
Tom’s building sheds at the utility side of the house so he can clear a lot of the crap out of his office and put the stuff that’s outside that wouldn’t fit in the aluminum shed into it. These are going to be wooden sheds on metal frames.

TUESDAY, MAY 1, 2001
I’m free at last! Oh, it feels soooo good to be home! I don’t miss jail at all. Just my Teddy Bear. It felt so good to finally be able to take a bath after half a year. To take a shower with real water pressure where I could adjust the temperature. To trim my pussy hair with scissors, rather than nail clippers. To sit on a plastic toilet seat, rather than a cold metal one. I even straightened my hair, though I don’t intend to make a habit of it.

I’ve either been too busy or too tired to write until now. I haven’t even jumped back on the Bowflex yet (I’m 119 pounds. Not quite the 124 I expected to be). At the same time I’ll be doing current journals, I’ll be typing up the Estrella journals, too. I was going to attach all of Tom’s letter, including the one to the bar association complaining about the public defender, to the bottom of the file, but I decided not to. Especially since I mentioned in enough detail the things Tom would say in his letters to me.

OK, I’ll write in order of events now.

Temple didn’t make it in to kick me out, but I don’t hold it against her. I’m sure she tried, just like Teddy Bear tried to get in Thursday, yet couldn’t get in till Friday. Instead, Beaudoin got the honor. She rarely worked M. She was dyky yet cool with a nice smile. She got a kick out of my impatience. I wasn’t pulled from M till 5:00, but it turned out to be a good thing because all I would’ve done was sit in the miserably hot, stinky holding tank. Instead, I dozed off. I was surprised. I didn’t think I could sleep with all the excitement, but it was only for an hour or two.

When she pulled me out, she told me to sit down in the dayroom and wait for an escort. I waited a few minutes till some guy came and got me. On my way out M’s door and down the hall, J’s door popped open and out came Pérez to say that she saw my name on the list and that she wanted to say goodbye to me. How cool of her! I’m so glad I got to say goodbye to her too, since she rarely worked M. She was definitely one of my favorites. In a year, besides writing to Palma, I’m going to drop Pérez a note, too. As for Rule, I’ll send her letter out as soon as I can find her rough draft, and as for Teddy Bear, I really don’t think she can stand to wait a year any more than I can. Not if she likes me as much as I like her, anyway, but I’ll just have to go along with whatever she does. She’s worth waiting many years for if I had to.

Anyway, I quickly said goodbye to Pérez in the midst of all the shock and excitement that my time had finally come, then I was brought past the control station, past visitation, past B and A Tower and to the intake area. Right before I reached the intake area, who should I run into but crazy Melinda herself. She was actually nice to me, though, wishing me good luck as I passed by her as she was mopping the hallway. I wished her luck, too. There was no point in being mean to her at that point.

It was weird, leaving and all. It’s like leaving a house you’ve lived in and leaving all your roommates behind. It’s like the day room was the living room, then you have the showers, then your rooms. All we didn’t have was a kitchen.

There were a couple of guys in intake I’d never seen before. No women DOs at all. It didn’t turn out to be the long, drawn-out ordeal I thought it’d be, but it was no quickie, either. I waited in a little holding cell with 8 others, 4 of whom were in their own clothes because they were only in for 24 hours. After a while, we were given bags containing our clothes. The DO put a sheet up over the door, then told us to change. After we were changed, we were called up to a little desk where our right thumbs were printed. Then, to further verify we were who we are, we were asked a few questions. I was asked my DOB, husband’s first name, and the state I was born in. Then I was given a couple of sheets of paper stating all the transactions within my account, refunded the little bit of money I had left over, then kicked out the door!

There was a small crowd of people outside waiting for others that were being released and fortunately, the media wasn’t there to hound me like I thought they might be. At first I didn’t see Tom, then he came driving up the drive. With tears of joy and excitement, I hopped into the car, we hugged and kissed, and away we went!

We stopped at Whataburger where I got chicken strips, but I wasn’t quite ready yet for Circle K’s coffee.

Not much has changed around Maricopa. Just a few new houses.

The garden Tom started in back looks great. The fence he has around it is nice, too.

Our land is now littered with those weeds I hate so much. The land is definitely better looking in the summer when it’s just dirt instead of weeds where there are no trees/bushes. It still needs more cactuses and a couple of palm trees. Just like Tom told me, a clump of weird things is growing by the stairs where I’d feed the p-dogs. We’re thinking it has to do with the seeds I’d throw out to them last year.

God, it’s hot out there! And it’s not quite over 100° yet. After 6 months of living in a refrigerator, I’ll have to readapt to this hot climate.

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Last updated July 12, 2024