April 2001 in 2000s

SATURDAY, APRIL 28, 2001
Not a very exciting selection of DOs for my final 1st and 2nd shift. We had shitface Mejia on, and now Redpath’s on. I wonder – will Temple make it in tonight? I’d settle for Pérez or Tate, if not.

Thanks to being too wound up and excited to sleep, and thanks to Baldilocks and her fucking mouth, I’m dead tired. I’ve been up since around 10:00, and I hope to nap sometime today, but I’m just too excited!

According to Misha, friends and relatives can help with community service. That’s good, but I wasn’t happy to hear that we might have to pay for those joke classes they want me to take. Every time I think the freeloaders have taken all the money they’re going to take from us, I turn around and there’s another thing we gotta dole out money for on account of them! It never ends!

Sometimes I wish I had a peephole into the future and could take a quick peek 5 years from now. What will my life be like then? The same? Better? Worse? Will we have a pool? Porches? Horses? Fences? Will Teddy Bear be a part of my life? Will the freeloaders?

I was utterly stunned to learn that Misha has no kids. I thought I was the only one here that didn’t. She says she’s going to have them as soon as she leaves.

That’s not the way it works.

Anyway, I’m left to forever wonder – what would Teddy Bear have said or done differently if Misha hadn’t been in the picture?

When I told her I believed she was the main reason I was meant to be here, she seemed truly flattered, saying, “Oh, how sweet.”

From down in the dayroom, I noticed her ring was gone.

I wonder if I had anything to do with that.

She was telling me they call her Means. I guess it’s because of the red hair, but I could personally slap anyone who called her Means. Means is short and ugly with short hair and glasses. Teddy Bear’s tall and good-looking with long hair and no glasses. How can people be stupid enough to mix them up just because they’re both redheads?

On her last walk, when I went to tell her why I believed this was all meant to happen, she seemed reluctant to open the door at first. It was as if she was afraid I’d grab her and hug her or something. She said to give her my hand when she opened the door. I did and she shook it and she wished me good luck.

Doesn’t she know that I know better, though? I know inmates and DOs aren’t allowed to hug. I think she thinks I’m dumb or something, but I’d rather her think I’m some brainless idiot than to have her screw me over.

God, please look out for my Teddy Bear! Please don’t let her get harmed if there are any riots, and please don’t let her get sick or in any accidents.

Well, I’m going to try to nap now, or at least just lay there. I’ll relax and listen to music till it’s time, after spending 180 days in this place, for A638593 to roll up for the final time!

FRIDAY, APRIL 27, 2001
She’s here!!! Yes, my woman did make it back, after all. I figured she would.

Woodruff worked for the first time ever. The one that was rude to me at Visitation. She was very nice to me today, though.

Baldilocks woke Misha and I up, but I managed to sleep on and off till 12:30 when our hour out came up. I shaved and washed my hair in case I’m too tired to go out tomorrow.

I gave Tiffany a few extra pieces of paper and I wrote: Be quiet and don’t beg!

She laughed at that one.

Anyway, my woman was smiling brightly when she saw me waiting at the door for her when she came through the door.

“Is this the day?” she asks, but I know she knows better. Just one more full day!

I gave her the kite and the rat picture that lived in the door for the last few weeks. She was happy to receive them.

I tried to ease any concerns she may’ve had about us talking, by letting her know Misha sleeps a lot, and she said, “Oh, she doesn’t mind?”

She hasn’t checked out the properties yet, she said, because her other job threw more work at her.

She just did her third walk, offering Tylenol. I asked if she requested to be here, and she confirmed that she did. She said she tried to get in yesterday, but couldn’t, and doesn’t know where she’ll be tomorrow.

I wonder what she said to get in here. Certainly, she couldn’t have come out and said, “Well, there’s this inmate I like that also likes me that’s leaving soon…”

She’s been busy moving people on her last couple of walks. One of the Mexican girls is freaking out right now. Teddy Bear just asked her something in Spanish, but all I could hear was “por que.”

Before this, she passed by while I was on the bed browsing through papers, and she goes, “Hey, Dawn,” in a soft, singsong sort of voice, then said a few more words I couldn’t make out before moving on.

I’d have to be hit by a Mac truck not to know she likes me.

Wow! That’s the first time I was complimented on my many gray hairs! I always hated them because these gray hairs don’t look like normal gray hairs. The fucking things look like spider webs. They’re so shiny that it looks like I walked into a giant web or something. Anyway, I asked for her opinion on whether or not I should dye my hair red, and should I go with auburn or a bright, pinkish shade of red, and she said she always thought my gray hairs were so attractive because I have the perfect coloring for that salt and pepper look, and it goes well with my blue-green eyes (which I pointed out are really olive). She said she liked that because they’re unusual. I told her I like her brown eyes which are the color of weak coffee, and often wished my own eyes were brown.

Normally I don’t like red hair, but hers is gorgeous. I don’t like bright fiery red or orangey-red. Hers isn’t like that. It’s a softer shade of red with beautiful gold highlights.

True to Misha’s word, she’s been sleeping ever since Teddy Bear came on (or at least pretending to). She’s not very happy right now. She really counted on getting out of here Wednesday and hasn’t gotten her psych meds.

Although I’ve heard Teddy Bear yell at a few people, it hasn’t seemed to put a damper on her jovial mood. She said she hasn’t read the kite yet because they’ve all been driving her crazy and keeping her busy.

They picked the wrong fucking night for this shit! And why couldn’t Misha have disappeared just until 3rd shift?

I hear Marla bitching at her right now.

Mace the bitch, Teddy Bear!

Dios mios! Miss Mexico’s crying again now, too. Water and electricity don’t mix. Why don’t you zap those tears away, Teddy Bear!

I know I sound so mean and insensitive, seeing that I was pretty hysterical myself when I first came here. I just needed that fucking inhaler, and everything went wrong that day so I got fed up.

My second to last dinner was this gross meat patty of some kind in runny, bland mashed potatoes that neither of us ate. I’m sure my last dinner will be hot dogs.

Although Misha only got up for dinner, then made earplugs and went back to sleep, Teddy Bear admitted she had been a little hesitant there, but I assured her she couldn’t hear shit, and she chatted with me. That is after things simmered down.

She doesn’t blush anymore with me. Misha thinks it’s because she’s comfortable with me now.

Misha thinks she smokes. I hope not! But I don’t think so. Her teeth are too white for that. I don’t think she even drinks coffee. I never smell smoke on her. I never smell anything on her. No perfume or anything like that. No drugs or alcohol that I can sense, either.

I asked Teddy Bear why she didn’t have more of an accent being from Georgia, and she said she was not originally from there. I asked her where she was originally from and she said California.

Unfortunately, her bird’s sick. I guess the AC got to it, so she put it outside. That bird’s going to die. I saw it, but I didn’t tell her. How sad, though. I hope she finds another one she likes that’ll live longer.

When we came up with our dinner trays, I told her to let me know when it was her final walk, so I could tell her something that I wanted to wait till then to tell her. She said OK, and smiled happily.

I’ve never seen this woman smile so much. I swear she’s been acting like she won the lottery for the last few weeks.

I showed and explained to her about my ear from the surgery I had in Boston in the 70s to build an outer ear, to dismantling it in ‘94 and getting the surgically drilled canal. I told her that although they built an eardrum, I didn’t get shit for hearing in that ear, but am used to it because it’s always been that way.

She said she’s seen my ear before.

She has? Must’ve been when I had it pulled back in a ponytail.

She said I did really well with the Spanish in my kite.

I told her the names of those who I thought were the worst and best-looking DOs. When I said she was one of the best, she said, “How sweet.”

There is one thing Misha and I actually agree on and that’s that we don’t think she’ll wait a whole year. I think she’ll contact me before Christmas. She’s definitely not going to contact me within a few months because she’s testing me. Just like I tested her, she’s got to make sure I’m for real. Seeing is believing for most of us, and she’s got to see that I’m not some psycho stalker and that I don’t return here like most of them do.

The reason I tested her by telling her things like how I broke my arm, my ear, and my driving phobia, was to make sure she knew up front that I’m different, although the jumping out windows isn’t that unique. More people try to kill themselves than feel uncomfortable driving or have 1½ outer ears, 1 fake ear canal, and no hearing on one side. So far, I’d say her accepting people as they are is one of her best traits. That and her sense of humor and her being so brainy. I wonder how many languages she knows.

Misha and I have been debating all kinds of things about her like a couple of trial lawyers. It’s pretty funny. Besides, what else have we got better to do?

Anyway, her best physical qualities are her height, her eyes, that nice, firm ass and believe it or not, I really do like her hair color. It’s hard to tell in her uniform, but I think she might have nice legs, too. It’s as if anything that’s a part of her suddenly becomes beautiful. If she’d been a blond, she’d make that seem beautiful too, and I was never a fan of blond hair, either.

As far as window-jumping and funny ears go, she seems to be pretty accepting and doesn’t seem like the type to judge me by my past or anything like that. Even so, I probably won’t tell her too much more about my back east life. Too many people have either gotten uncomfortable with it or thought I was seeking their pity. What was I to do, though, when people would ask about my life? Lie? I don’t think so, and besides, they asked. So if they couldn’t handle the answer, that was their problem. I could care less about what 99% of the population thinks about anything as far as my past or present goes. I’ll tell a complete stranger my life story. I just don’t care. But Teddy Bear’s different. With her, I do care. Unlike with Teddy Bear, I don’t care that my own mother-in-law read that bullshit article on me.

THURSDAY, APRIL 26, 2001
Barajas just did her last walk, telling me to behave and not to let her see me again.

No problem.

My Teddy Bear should be here any sec! I’ll be pissed that I went through the hassle of applying this makeup for no reason if she doesn’t show up. More so, I’ll be bummed. But if she doesn’t make it in, I’m sure it’s not her fault. Anything could come up.

It hit 102° yesterday – wow!

Got quite a letter from Tom yesterday, basically saying how excited he is about me coming home. Me too!!!!! It’s hard to believe the time has just about come!

When Hann was on, she announced that a juvi was in need of batteries. I yelled down that I had some.

“Oh, you’re nice,” she said.

“It must be Sonja G,” I said, and she said it was. There must not have been as much juice left as I thought in those other batteries I gave her.

Hann also confirmed my doubts about Sonja stabbing anyone. She didn’t stab anyone. She’s a gangster druggie. And she’s 14, not 12.

When I went to give rooms 4 and 5 some cookies, since I got way more shit than I can eat, I told Hann a joke. She said, “I was wondering if I was going to get one from you.”

Fuck! It’s Maddox. Oh, Teddy Bear, where are you? I just want to cry right now! Well, hopefully she’ll still make it in before I leave. I would think she’d try to, anyway. At least I’ll see her again someday, if not. I’ll save her kite and give it to her in the future if I have to.

Even Misha helped me prepare for this little date by doing my lips for me. She got a kick out of how I sounded like a spoiled kid when I saw it was Maddox and began whining, “I want my Teddy Bear!”

I couldn’t ask for a better celly. She’s been in bed since 3 PM yesterday. All she did was get up for dinner, then to use the phone, then for our hour out. We were first, so I simply showered, then stuck my earplug in and slept on and off till noon.

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 25, 2001
We went from Vasquez to Hann. Vasquez said she’ll be thinking of me on Sunday.

Even Vasquez was bitching about Baldilocks.

I finally got caught up on my sleep and slept till 11:30. Even so, I had a horrible dream last night. Totally depressing. I was being released, and after 10 hours of waiting, Tom never showed up. I asked this guy sitting at this desk to get Officer R. D. Johnson for me and he told me to pick another Officer. I said I didn’t want to pick another Officer, and he asked me why I thought she could help me. I said I didn’t know for sure if she could, but I had to try something. Then I saw her walking down a nearby hall and I ran to her. She totally acted as if she didn’t know me!

Another funny thing that happened when Teddy Bear was here was that she didn’t hold my door open and wait for me to return with my dinner tray like she usually does for everyone. So on my way back up from down in the dayroom, she asked if I could manage the door. I said, “Yeah, I think so, but if I drop this, it’s all your fault.”

She smiled and said, “Well, you better not drop it then.”

It was so funny too, how she started saying goodnight to me when she still had 3 walks left. She even asked if I wanted my light off on the second to last walk. She normally lets 3rd shift do that. On her last walk, she’s peering in the window saying her final good night, then she goes, “Are you in there?”

I said, “Yeah, I’m in here. Where else would I be?”

I should’ve told her I was abducted by aliens who dropped me off at her place.

Then she looked at the keyhole, hesitated a moment as if she were deciding whether or not to open the door, then left.

I wonder – does Teddy Bear ever fantasize about me? Has Tom been wet dreaming of me since I’ve been gone? Or just missing me?

I can’t picture Teddy Bear with someone like Palma. That doesn’t seem to be her type. I get the impression Teddy Bear doesn’t like Palma anyway.

I wrote a kite up for her for tomorrow. More guessing games in this kite, only she gets to do the guessing. I told her Misha and I were discussing the best and worst looking DOs – can she guess who I picked? The 4 worst looking ones I picked were Misery, Bunch, Arajo and Means. Of course, she and Palma are the best-looking two I picked, but she’ll never guess Palma’s one of them. She doesn’t even know I once was crushing on her.

Anyway, if I had to pick two favorites on each shift, I’d pick Espi and Chambers for 1st, Teddy Bear and Palma for 2nd, and Pérez and Temple for 3rd.

I told her that together, Misha and I decided she’s a Rebecca, a Renee or a Rachel. Hope it’s not Ronda, although that’d be much better than Rhoda or Rita, but if it is, it is. It’s just a name, after all, although I’ll probably always call her Teddy Bear unless she gets sick of that.

I also told her that although I understand she has to be professional, in a sense, and never actually came out and told me she believed in my innocence, I always got the feeling she did, and I thanked her for believing in me. It means a lot to me. Especially coming from her.

Lastly, since she knows Spanish, I wrote a few sentences in Spanish, saying how I only knew a couple of sentences in German and maybe she can teach me more someday. Then again, German is pretty ugly, so maybe not.

Misha came back from court shortly after I awoke. I was right. She’s not going home. Maybe next week. We had our hour out, talked a bit, then she hit the sack.

I chatted with most of the pod on my hour out. Mattie said goodbye to me. She leaves tonight. Myra says they could come to get me as late as 8:00–9:00 in the morning. I hope not! But I know I can’t be released before it’s light out.

I also met Sonja on my hour out. A bunch of juvies was just outside the dayroom sharpening their pencils when I asked which one was Sonja. She was sitting on the floor sharpening pencils. She’s just a little scrap of a thing.

Sonja said she was rolled out of that room because she was having trouble sleeping in there. So that’s why I haven’t heard from her.

I asked Vasquez if she could give her some batteries for me. She said, “Yeah, but I can’t let you talk to each other.” It was cool of her to pass the batteries for me.

The hot dog curse is not over, not surprisingly. Thank God I’m outa here soon!

Misha said she was with a woman a long time ago. She asked me if Tom was jealous of me liking women, but as I told her, he’s OK with it. Like a lot of guys, if it’s another woman, it’s OK. Fortunately, though, he’s not into threesomes anymore than I am. Two’s company and three’s definitely a crowd!

How would I feel if he wanted to see a woman or a man on the side, though he’s as straight as an arrow, and has never seen anyone on the side so far? As long as I was his number one and knew he was coming home to me in the end, I’d want him to do whatever made him happy.

Tate was on last night. She saw me at the door from down below and smiled up at me. When I told her my hours, she was like, “See? It goes faster when you count by hours.”

She was saying how I wouldn’t even smile at first (there was nothing to smile about), and that maybe she’ll be here Sunday so I can tell her I have no hours left. I told her Temple said she might be in that night, but we’ll see.

After Tom left yesterday, I saw Teresa out in the open-contact visitation area. I waved to her, and incredibly, she started fingerspelling to me. Not signing, but spelling. She asked if Laticia and Nancy were still there, and told me she lost my address. I told her I remembered her booking number and will write to her. All past problems between her and I are done and over with as far as I’m concerned.

Teresa and I were just finishing up our little convo when one of the sergeants came to get me. She was funny, pretending to imitate our fingerspelling. She’s cool for a sergeant.

TUESDAY, APRIL 24, 2001
Oh, I just knew it. Misha met with her lawyer and she’s not going home tomorrow. She’s going to court, but it’s just going to be a dry run. I hope it won’t make Teddy Bear clam up, even though Misha says she’ll kindly hide under her blanket. As she reminded me, though – she does sleep a lot and she knows it.

It was nice getting soda with last night’s commissary, my final order!

Got quite a goodbye from that obnoxious Chavez, but it was still nice of her to take the time to say goodbye. She’s going to Vegas on vacation. We chatted about that for a few minutes. She says the same thing – that every time her husband goes near her, she starts losing. That’s what Tom does to me; hexes my slot machines on me.

Espi came back one last time like I was hoping she would. She said she almost didn’t make it back.

I was dead tired, thanks to Baldilocks (Zapata) and her loud mouth, along with Mattie, who’s leaving Thursday. They were out first and second. Meanwhile, I noticed Espi was letting people out in an odd order. She was supposed to go 2, 3, 4, 5, 1, but she went 1, 2, 5, 4, 3. When I asked her about it, she smiled at me and said, “Oh, I screwed up. Besides, you guys seem like late risers anyway.”

She knows I don’t get up early, and I don’t think she “screwed up.” I think this is a little going away present from her, which is very nice of her.

I cracked her up with more jokes and she cracked me up with a comment she made about Baldilocks, who has a bad leg and uses a cane. I was bitching about how loud she is, and Espi said, “Yeah, she’s a nut. I’d like to beat her to death with her own cane.”

Yeah, I wanted to shove it up her ass really good, believe me!

Beverly was being a major pest again, begging for this and begging for that. I gave her my lunch because I never want it anyway. I asked Espi to let me put it outside the door while she was out (so she wouldn’t be at our door pestering us), and made the comment to Espi about her being a pest. “Yes, she is,” agreed Espi. Obviously, Tiffany can’t stand her either, judging by the way she was looking up at me and pulling her hair, then pointing to Beverly.

Espi said goodbye on her last walk, wishing me the best. I’m definitely going to miss her. I told her she was my favorite 1st shift DO, then she goes, “Don’t tell anyone that. They’ll roll me up!”

What’s that supposed to mean?

Mattie and Sarah got a little pesky too, but I felt bad for them, so I gave them a brownie and a few cookies, and they gave me some paper which I’m using for kites/journal notes.

This cell really is dark compared to all the others. From down in the dayroom, it looked like the light was off in here.

The best part of the day was seeing Tom. Cedeño woke me from a nap to see him, and I rambled on excitedly, filling him in on Misha, Teddy Bear, etc. It was our last visit! Again, Misery was doing visitation.

Tom was very tired. Got a letter from him today too, but since I have the letters all at home on the computer, I won’t get into it much. He just said that working makes the days go by faster, he can’t wait to pick me up, etc.

MONDAY, APRIL 23, 2001
Tomaszewski cellied me today after 4 people came to M Dorm. I got the best one – Misha N. She’s a lot like Tiffany, who was quiet, sane and slept a lot. She has her own commissary too, and says she sleeps from around 11 PM - 3 PM. Great! She takes Prozac, too.

She’s my age and is in for manufacturing, though she says that’s not what she’s guilty of. She said she ran an escort service. She goes to court on Wednesday and thinks she might go home that day. She doesn’t have a great face, but she has a body to die for.

She’s easy to talk to and she’s had some interesting stories to tell me. She’s had pet rats, too.

I told her about Teddy Bear. Misha agrees Teddy Bear’s funny and cute when she blushes, though she has no crush on her or any other DO. She digs how shy, yet cool Teddy Bear is, too.

She said she seems like a lonely person. That’s the impression I’ve been getting lately too; that’s she’s all alone. All she ever talks about is her bird and other pets she’s had. Never a lover, kids, or anyone living with her.

Misha says it does sound like Teddy Bear likes me, yes she always thought she was gay, and she always thought Palma was bi, too. I told her that I was afraid I may’ve been too subtle in getting my message across to Teddy Bear about my liking her, yet Misha says she’d have to be hit by a Mac truck not to know. I’m 99.9% sure, though, that she likes me and knows I like her.

Misha asked if Tom minded and I told her he didn’t. That’s what makes this guy so great. He’s him, I’m me, and he doesn’t try to control or change me. He’s not the jealous, insecure type.

I only slept 2-3 hours between the excitement of leaving and thoughts of Teddy Bear and our talks. At least I was already up when Misha came. It’s nice to have been awake for once upon getting a new celly.

Thank God I’m not in 2 or 5 because it’d be thunderous. It’s like A Tower right now with everyone screaming through the vents.

The pregnant black chick returned to A Tower, so there are still one or two beds available. Zapata, who nobody likes, is alone in 2. She was here last when Ida was here. Then there’s a nut next door named Beverly, who I’m really lucky I didn’t get. According to Misha, she’s a major beggar. Yeah, I can already see that. She was begging for Misha’s lunch earlier.

Before I finish up with when Teddy Bear was last here – I know now why I was meant to be here. They were right, all those that said there’s a reason for everything. I believe there’s a reason for everything too, but I thought the reason for my being here was because something wanted to punish me. I still believe that, and I’ll always believe that. However, I know now that one of the biggest reasons I was meant to be here was to meet Teddy Bear. There really would’ve been no other way for us to meet. Not with me living like a hermit way out in Nowhere Land. Therefore, we had to be forced to come in contact with each other. What better way than to have me thrown in jail, huh?

Misha takes no offense to my hoping she’ll be out of here Wednesday. I never thought I’d be wishing for a good celly to hurry up and leave! Normally, I try to hang onto them as long as I can to spare myself from any psychos, but I really hope she’s gone before Teddy Bear returns. She’s going to be pretty reserved, understandably, if Misha’s still here when she gets back, even though nothing she’s said or done could get her in trouble. She’s still been a DO in every sense of the word. There’s been nothing unprofessional about her just because we like each other.

Teddy Bear said she’d be back Monday or Thursday. It’s Monday now and Chavez is on, so that leaves Thursday. Good. That’ll give Misha time to get out of here and me time to catch up on my sleep.

Oh, please! A whole 20 minutes before she serves chow, Chavez tells us to get ready for chow.

What does she expect us to do? Brush our teeth? Curl our hair? Put on makeup? Fancy dresses?

We finally had chicken on the bone. I think the hot dog curse might finally be over, too. Teddy Bear said that maybe the combination of her and Jane (Peaches) being here is what brought it on. I think they may’ve actually run out of the fucking things.

Sonja, which is the kid’s name next door, has been quiet. She yelled to me last night that she would tell her next-door neighbors to quit banging. She yelled at them that she wanted to go to sleep. I told her I wouldn’t forget to roll the batteries under the door on Saturday.

I was surprised when Teddy Bear told me she gets that moon face when she eats too much meat. Maybe she puts bad stuff on it or maybe she’s mostly talking about fried meat because meat shouldn’t make moon faces.

She says my face isn’t that bad.

Yes, it is.

Then she goes on to say that the image of beauty has changed and sunken cheeks are no longer in.

Ain’t no beauty in this beach ball of a face!

She’s off Tuesday and Wednesday, saying that on Tuesday she’s helping a friend move. I wonder if her friend’s gay, too.

Wednesday, she says she’s starting a whole new business, and I was like – damn! Three jobs?! She’s superwoman, she says. She sure is and I wonder if this would mean she’d look down upon homemakers. Everyone else but Tom does, so why wouldn’t she?

I used to think that anyone that could think of being with someone else while they’re already with someone can’t love the person they were with to begin with, but now I see I was wrong about that (just like I used to think all people that went to jail were scum that deserved what they got). Tom’s Tom and Teddy Bear’s Teddy Bear. There’s no connection, despite some of their similarities and my being bored with sex with Tom. It’s not that he’s bad in bed. It just gets old after so many years and I just miss being with a woman. Another thing is that this isn’t something you exactly plan, either. I didn’t plan to fall for her. It just happened. We don’t really have any control over who we like and are attracted to any more than we can choose what colors or flavors we like.

I still can’t say for sure that anything will happen between Teddy Bear and I, but I think it will. We both like each other and I can’t see why it wouldn’t unless she met someone during the year. Someone who, unlike Tom, wouldn’t go for us getting together in any way shape or form. Although I’ve never been with a woman since being with Tom since April of ‘93, I think we knew I would eventually be with one here and there, but certainly not just anyone, since I’m so damn picky and rarely meet new people being the homebody I am. I’m sure neither of us ever thought it’d be a DO in a jail that I was in!

I think I’ve been needing a woman in my life more than I realized. How nice it would be to have a lady in my life who’s in the same state, who’s gay, who has a great personality and great looks, too! I think it would really make my life complete.

I wish I could say it was just lust that I felt for Teddy Bear, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have some feelings for her. How could I not after all she’s done for me? I try to tell myself I can’t possibly feel the way I do since I don’t really know her, but I know what I’m feeling. She’s just as good on the inside as she is on the outside. Yes, I’ve seen her have her moods just like anyone else, but 90% of the time she’s so bright and cheery. She’s got a great sense of humor and she’s so smart. She really has a wonderful personality and I see how easily someone could love her. When she’s on, I know I’m going to be OK. She really cares about me and I could never take all the help she’s given me for granted. She really made my life here a lot easier. Not just by chatting with me, but by keeping me alone as much as she could. Especially since, in the end there, a lot of my cellies were either crazy or hitting on me or both. It shocks me to think – an authority figure that likes me?! That didn’t take advantage of her power over me and fuck me over in any way?! That actually cared enough to help me?!

Do I think she’ll change into some monster? Maybe with a serious brain tumor or two, but no, I don’t think Teddy Bear has any hidden demons in her. I don’t think she’s wearing any kind of a mask and putting on an act to cover up any hidden beasts inside her. Nobody can act that well, anyway. Not even me, and I may be an average singer, but I’m an excellent actress.

Misha was pointing out how much bigger she is than me, though she thinks we’d look good together – her with this cute little fem-fem, she says. Yes, there’s quite a height difference, but I like that. I’ve never been with a woman as tall as she is, but believe me, I adore all 5’ 10” of her.

At first, even I asked myself – do I really want to be with someone who could break me in half so easily? But she doesn’t seem to have a violent streak of any kind and I don’t sense any danger. Like I said before, I’d feel safe with her. Not threatened. She probably only swears once for every dozen times that I swear, too.

She sure is strong, though. Once, when she moved me to 3, I was struggling to throw the extra mattress up top. She took it from me, looked down at me and said, “You don’t have to help me,” with a bit of an amused look on her face, then hurled the thing up there like it was as light as a feather. I was like – wow! And she seemed so happy to help me too, like it made her feel really good or something. It was rather sweet.

I remember when I first saw her. At least I think the first time I saw her was in November when Kim and I were in 5. She was running up the stairs. She seemed so happy and energetic, too. So full of life. But then I ended up spending 95% of the first two months in A Tower and Palma diverted my attention away from her. Believe me, though, there’s nothing at this point short of Teddy Bear herself not wanting anything to do with me that could divert my attention from her. This is omitting Tom, of course.

Payback will come soon enough. She did for me and I’m going to do for her. At least I hope I get the opportunity to if she really is lonely. Well, Teddy Bear, if you are lonely and you still want to get together, I promise you you won’t be lonely anymore!

I wouldn’t care if she talked non-stop, either, because she’s always got funny and interesting things to say. I’ll spend all the time I can with her. Not just because of all she’s done for me, but because I’ll want to. I’ll be there if she ever needs a shoulder to cry on just like she was there to listen to me pour all my troubles and frustrations out on her.

Living a “double life” might be fun and adventurous and I think I’d like the variety. She and Tom work different schedules so the time I spent with one wouldn’t interfere with the time I spent with the other. Of course, I don’t know how she’ll feel about a part-time relationship. I know that someday she’s going to meet someone she’ll want to be with full-time and I’ll never see her again, but I believe that we all need to just take whatever time we can get with those we care about. Teddy Bear may decide she’s all or nothing and not want anyone part-time. After all, it wouldn’t be fair to her to expect her to always be someone I see on the side. She’s going to want someone who’ll live with her and be with her every day. Someone more suitable for her than I am. She does seem like the all-or-nothing type, too. On the other hand, keeping it part-time might keep it special for both of us. She may like the idea of having a live-in that she’s with full-time like I am, but then having a lady on the side, too.

This is where Misha and I disagree with each other. She thinks I am suitable for her and that I’ll end up leaving Tom for her. Her attitude is basically – I’m gay so I belong with a woman. I know Tom’s a big boy who could get along just fine without me, but I just couldn’t go dumping on him like that, and the reason I don’t think she’d find me suitable for her is that we’re different. I like opposites, but most people like equals, although Misha thinks that our different personalities would be something she’d like. She thinks she’d like my feisty, spunky ways and that we’d be good for each other and that I’d bring a little bit of wildness into her life and she’d bring a little bit of calmness into mine like Tom and I do with each other.

Like Tom, she’s more of a non-moody, passive type, whereas I’m an aggressive bitch, always whining and complaining. I agree that in a lot of ways we’d be good for each other and would enjoy each other’s company, but I think she’d get sick of me after a while. I don’t think she could enjoy living with me, but I sure wish I could hide out with her till April 29th!

I think the biggest problem would’ve been the job issue. It worried me a little when she mentioned all these different jobs. We’re living in a time when homemakers are labeled as lazy users. Even those who just had kids are expected to pick themselves up as soon as they leave the hospital, throw the kid in daycare, and get right back to work. Just like I would with anyone, though, I’ll dump her if she can’t accept me as I am. I am a homemaker and if I’m a lazy user, then so is Tom. If I’m using him for money, food and rides, then he’s using me as a cook and a housekeeper. It makes my blood boil when people say, “He works hard for you yet what do you do for him?”

I cook our food, I wash our clothes, I clean our house, I care for our pets, I give him emotional support when he needs it, I listen to him and much more so that he doesn’t have to on his days off. That’s what I do. So, as I’d tell anyone – if you’ve got a problem with me because I don’t work outside of the house and get a paycheck with my name on it, then don’t have anything to do with me.

Another area in which we may’ve clashed would be because she seems to be quite a people person and I’m not. So she may have had a lot of company. I wouldn’t have had to entertain them too, the whole time they were there, though. I could’ve gone off into another room to do my own thing, I suppose.

Nonetheless, if I were single, I’d love to be with someone like Teddy Bear. She would’ve been good for me. I don’t know how I know this. I just do.

Teddy Bear, will you be my husband in my next life? I promise I’ll get with the times then. For every one job you have, I’ll have two, and I promise not to clean or cook a damn thing!

We sure would’ve had an interesting story to tell those who asked us how we met, that’s for sure!

Misha thinks Teddy Bear would love to be the breadwinner since she’d be the dude in the relationship, but again, I disagree with that. I think she’d want a career person (Hey, she’ll just have to press her own shirts, clean her own house and cook her own damn food).

I also doubt she’d want someone so unique. Someone who doesn’t have a sleep/schedule disorder. Someone who doesn’t need to sleep with a fan on for both circulating air and to drown out background noise. Who doesn’t like to draw on walls and rock back and forth to music. Who doesn’t paint their nails blue, green, white, black, yellow, red, pink, purple, and every other color under the sun? She’s lucky I’m not like I was a decade ago! I pinched and squirted rude waitresses with coffee creamers, I threw snowballs I froze in my freezer at people, I stole books and CDs in the mail, I made prank phone calls to people with funny names, I shoved gum in keyholes, I mailed guinea pig turds to bosses that fired me, I crossed people on the phone using 3-way calling, I ordered and sent people pizzas, I called cabs for people, I called electric companies as other people and had their power turned off when they’d fuck me over.

I was a very naughty girl.

“I guess I just wouldn’t have seen much of her with all those jobs she’s got.”

“I think she’d quit some of them,” Misha said, “and remember, she’s well aware of the fact that you’re a convicted felon, and that guilty or not, you can’t exactly get a job easily enough. She knows you don’t drive and that if you worked 1st shift you’d rarely see each other. She knows that she’d have to be the one to pick you up at night if you worked 2nd shift when no buses were running. She also knows that if you worked 3rd shift she’d have to race home from work, then race back out to bring you to work. She wouldn’t want that, and besides, she strikes me as the jealous type, don’t you think?”

“Nope. I think she’s the kind that could take me or leave me if I was her girlfriend, though I must admit I’d be rather flattered at the idea of her being at least a little on the jealous side.”

Misha had a point about the job issue. I mean, what would I say I’ve been doing for the last 15 years? Hanging out at the beach? I can just see myself answering that question by saying, “Well, I was a housekeeper at a hotel when I was 20, but I got fired for punching out a coworker who lunged at me in a rather menacing way. Then my daddy had me thrown on disability, saying I should’ve been on it all along after the government screwed up. Then nearly a decade later I did some rather explicit modeling, sang a little bit, shook my ass in strip joints, became a homemaker, then became a convicted felon in another 5 years, only I truly am innocent.”

Although I decided Misha was dead serious about all she predicts for Teddy Bear and I, I still can’t see it. She made my heart skip a beat, though, when she made a major point – I couldn’t see myself getting married, either. I swore I’d never get with a guy. I was 1000% sure of it.

Little did I know I’d end up “twice loved,” so to speak. I feel doubly blessed to have two loves, a man and a woman.

I think the hardest part about being married is knowing I’ll never know for sure just what would’ve happened with Teddy Bear and I. It’s really neat to know I’d finally have someone and that I wouldn’t have been alone all my life like I thought I would before meeting Tom. Again, I just don’t know how far it would’ve gone or for how long. That’s something I’ll never know because I can’t throw away the 8 years I’ve been with Tom. Especially when 95% of it has been good. The only thing this marriage lacks is good sex. And I may not be attracted to him the way I am with Teddy Bear because you just can’t compare men and women, and I’ve always been more attracted to women in general, even if Teddy Bear’s not my usual type. With Tom, it’s more of a physical attraction, but it’s more sexual with Teddy Bear. I’m not going to lie - whenever I picture myself in intimate relations with someone, it’s her face I see. Still, you don’t throw away 8 good years with someone just because someone else turns you on and makes you laugh. The not knowing what was going on in Tom’s life would eat at me constantly. I’d always be wondering how he was, where he was, who he was with, if he was happy/healthy.

Also, I couldn’t just throw away this big, beautiful house and our land. I know houses are just material things, but there would be a major security risk in leaving Tom. If I left Tom and was with a woman, any woman, and that woman decided to toss me out on the street a year later, where would I go and what would I do? With asthma and allergies, I also need medical insurance, and the bigots of Arizona haven’t legalized gay marriages yet, so I’d be fucked right there without my own insurance.

Meanwhile, all I can do is guess as far as what it would have been like to be with her. If you asked me what I think will happen versus what I hope will happen, the answer’s different depending on how you asked. If I were single, I’d hope we’d love each other and be with each other full-time. I think she would’ve made me very happy and that I’d have loved being Dawn Johnson, and every day I’d be wondering what I did to deserve someone as wonderful as she is (like I do with Tom). I think she would’ve snored bad enough to make me want to stuff a rag down her throat, though!

I must admit that although curiosity sure is a killer at times, it is fun and kind of entertaining to close my eyes and wonder how things would’ve been. I see us in a lot of different scenarios, besides some rather explicit ones. I see us watching movies together, cuddling, talking, going places, etc.

Since I’m not single, all I can do is hope we’ll get together as much as possible and maybe even spend some nights with her. That’s what I hope will happen. What I think will happen is that we’ll get together once every 1-3 months. I think it’ll go beyond friendship and that it will be intimate, but again, I can’t guess as to the extent of it. Time will tell, though.

Would I feel guilty if we ever did it, be it just once or more than that? No. I’ve already let Tom know all about Teddy Bear. He knows what could happen, and he’s never uttered a word of protest, so I wouldn’t be “cheating” on him. Also, it’s a bit hard to feel guilty over something that just seems so right. At least the thought of it does, anyway.

Who knows, though? Maybe I’m way off. Maybe she’ll forget all about me. Maybe she’ll change her mind. Or maybe her feelings aren’t what I think they are. Maybe she’ll just want to be friends. Maybe she’ll have a wife by next year. Either way, I’ll take whatever time we may have with each other. She’s just so sweet!

“It’ll be Tom’s fault if you make it with her,” Misha told me.

“Why do you say that?”

“Because you said he neglected you sexually in the beginning.”

“That was in the beginning.”

“You’d be surprised how the past can affect the present.”

“Maybe so,” I said,” but I just don’t see a connection. He and she are two separate issues. My attraction for her would be the same with or without him in the picture and if we do anything, that too, will have nothing to do with him. This isn’t about me not being loved enough or anything like that. This is simply about me liking Teddy Bear and being attracted to her, and I’d have felt this way single or not.”

Tom’s lack of sexual drive turned me off a bit in the beginning, but now, it really doesn’t matter whether he was horny all the time or never horny.

SUNDAY, APRIL 22, 2001
Barajas is on. She called me tiger like she sometimes does, shocked that I wasn’t pissed at anyone at the moment. I was wondering if she’d come back so I could bug her before I left. She said she requested to be here. Especially after being in B tower for 4 days in a row. She’s been teasing me, as usual.

I’m not using this allergy spray as much because it causes a post-nasal drip.

Yes! Teddy Bear’s on! I don’t remember her ever working a Sunday before.

Although deep down I doubted it, I had a slight worry that something I said in my kite may’ve offended her, but she hasn’t seemed to be the least bit offended.

As soon as Estrella’s Finest hit my door on her first walk, I said, “What are you doing here on a Sunday?!”

“Isn’t this my usual day?” she asked, then guessed that I had 13 days when I really have 6 and that it’s been two weeks since she last saw me (not quite).

Sometimes it’s hard to tell if she’s just playing with me or if she really has these moments where she gets stuck on stupid.

She said she’d tell me about her bird later, she’s already training it, and it’s doing well. Then she flashed me a cheery smile and walked off.

On Teddy Bear’s second walk, she had to hurry by to enter names into the logbooks of those in Alpha who went to church.

Oh her third walk, she told me her cockatiel was doing this cute little canary dance. She thinks it learned that from the canaries it was near in the pet store. She said she’s afraid to let her bird out in case he gets out the door, and that she may be traumatizing it by picking it up. She said she wasn’t sure at first if it was wise to get an older bird, but that she’s an old bird herself. When I guessed her age to be 37, she wouldn’t tell me how old she really is, but I take it she’s a little older than me. Maybe she’s even in her early 40s, but I don’t think she could be that old. At least I was right in guessing her to be 5’ 10”.

I showed her the pictures, and she was like, “Wow, your hair really was long.”

No, Teddy Bear. I’m a pathological liar. I just made that up.

She liked the picture of me floating with the rat on me. We discussed me shooting a picture of her with her arms spread, then me blowing up a picture of her bird and placing it on her arm, and maybe a giant rat on the other (it’d be funny if I dressed up in her uniform and made pictures out of that, too). She said that could be her Christmas card to people.

This Christmas? Well, she has our number. I made sure of that so that she has the option of getting together with me sooner if she wants to. No one here has to know if we get together before a year’s up, but of course, this has to be her call. I wonder if she’d call if my letter didn’t make it to her next year if she didn’t decide to call before then. Well, whatever it is she decides to do, I’ll respect it.

When I put the pictures back in the envelope, I gave her a choice and asked if she wanted them. She said yes (wish I had a picture of her to drool over till I get to see her again!), then she left, bitching about how she has to pee every hour.

I let her walk by without bugging her a few times, and I even slipped her another kite, since her time is limited.

She told me she has another job. “Let’s just say it’s more physical than this,” she said. She says it’s delivering stuff.

These guessing games we’ve been playing are fun. Let’s see…I think she delivers furniture. Could be UPS or something like that, too.

She says she can find any place, drives everywhere, and doesn’t mind it.

“Good,” I told her, “because I have a phobia of driving,” which didn’t seem to bother her. I’ve been testing her, so to speak, to see if she’s really as accepting as she seems, letting her know that we really are quite different, even though we share a knack for languages and mice. I want to make sure she’s OK with that because most people wouldn’t be. So many people have been hesitant to associate with me because I don’t drive, because my interests are different than most people’s because I don’t always hear well, because of my background, etc. People expect perfection and for you to be willing to be molded into what they want, but I’ll be damned if I’ll become that way myself. I ain’t no piece of clay.

I shouldn’t talk, though, and bitch about how people always have a problem with me because I always have a problem with them. I’m so picky about who I hang out with, be it as a friend or more. I don’t settle for just anyone and it’s so very seldom that I just take to someone like I have with Teddy Bear. I’ve opened up to her in ways I haven’t with anyone else here. Being around her just feels – I don’t know – so right, I guess you could say. I feel like I’ve known her for years, although 6 months in this place feels like years anyway!

Anyway, I’m glad she won’t mind driving out to where we live. I hope we can hang out at each other’s places whenever we can. I guess I’m still hoping we’ll be a little more than friends, though I’ll settle happily for a friendship.

You know, speaking of Tom, she’s never mentioned him once since we became tight. Except for that one time she said I had a good-looking guy when she saw his picture, and the time she recognized him at Visitation, she never mentioned him. She’s never asked how old he is, if he’s from here, where he works - nothing.

When I told her I had a cockatiel story of my own to tell, the doofus goes, “OK, let me come back the next time so I can be ready.”

Whatever. She cracks me up at times, but her goofy ways give her character. So does her slight lisp.

She was a doof again when I kited her. When I slipped it through the door, she goes, “Oh, thanks. I’ll read it.”

Really? Gee, Teddy Bear, I thought you’d eat it!

I gave her the basic highlights of why I dumped my folks, but that before I did, I taped Art on America’s Funniest Home Videos, which we’d say was America’s Most Wanted. She said she’s got to see that.

Anyway, when I started off by telling her my family consisted of a bunch of psychotics, she laughed. I think she thought I was joking, but if she only knew! I’ll make sure she never does, though, unless I’m asked about it. She does know about my jumping out the window and breaking my arm when I was 17. God, I can’t believe I told her that! Fortunately, though, she doesn’t seem like the sick type who’d use that against me, not that I can see how she could. It’s just that people tend to use bad experiences or fears to spite you when they get pissed at you. I can’t picture her deliberately setting out to hurt anyone or being vindictive in any way, though. I wouldn’t be this way with her, no matter how good she looks, if I didn’t trust her. I’ll just dump her if she turns out to have any dark surprises hidden in her closet. Of course, that’s what I said about the freeloaders – we’ll just move and they’ll be out of our lives, but look where that got me! It was obviously easier said than done because we can’t get these people out of our lives no matter where we go or what we do!

In the kite, I told her there’s property for sale near us (Dan’s) in case she’s interested in country living. How awesome it’d be to have her for a neighbor! I’m sure that’ll be in my dreams only, though. At least I wouldn’t have had to worry about her saying I wrote her a threatening letter and that I must be prejudiced against redheads!

Teddy Bear really goes with this place, too. I mean, I can just picture her living out here. She looks like a country girl.

I’m straightening my hair the natural way, which means I’m using some rubber bands because I only have two cloth ones. I’m doing it now because I know Teddy Bear won’t take my rubber bands away. Most of them aren’t as strict as Palma, but the more they’ve gotten to know me, the less they bother me with shit like that, anyway.

My God, I don’t believe it! She just asked me how much they want for the property. You mean she’s actually interested? I drew her a map of the 4 lots – ours, next door’s, Dan’s, the rentals. I told her what little I knew about the places, and she says she’ll find them. I gave her George P’s name too, as well as names of realtors I could think of. She asked if you could see mountains and have horses out there. I assured her she could (how cozy – me riding a horse while snuggled up safe in the arms of my big, strong, warm Teddy Bear sitting behind me).

The thought of having Teddy Bear out there is too good to be true! Well, I think I can consider myself lucky just to have her as a part of my life, no matter where she lives. As I was told years ago – enjoy whatever time you can with those you like and care about. Enjoy the moment and just settle for whatever you can get because something’s better than nothing.

I’m getting the impression that she lives alone. That ring could mean anything. Maybe her ex died, or maybe it’s her mother’s or grandmother’s ring (I got the impression her mother might be dead because she never mentioned her). Or maybe she just wants people to think she’s married.

Well, one thing’s for sure – she definitely likes me! Yes, she likes me, she likes me, she likes me! If I’d known she was going to like me back, I’d have been blunter and slipped her a note saying: I like women, my husband doesn’t mind, you’re a really cool person, and a damn good-looking one, too! I like everything from how tall you are to the color of your hair. From those warm chocolate eyes to that perfect ass, and if the truth hurts and I’ve offended you in any way, please don’t beat me up too bad!

I guessed her middle name, which begins with a D, to be Diane.

“Wrong,” she said.

Then I guessed Dawn and she was like, “Oh, thank you, thank you. That’s a pretty one.”

Then I asked her what she’d guess my name to be if she didn’t know what my ugly name was. When she came back after taking some time to think about it, she said she’d guess I was a Dawn or an April.”

I could hug her for that one, I told her.

When she comes in here the next time, I’ll try to see what I can vibe from her as far as the ring goes.

Well, that didn’t tell me much. All I got was a slight vibe saying that her favorite color might be blue, and she might dig country music. I don’t think I can even see her sign. I just know she can’t be a Sagittarius because I’m a Sagittarius and our personalities are too different. I don’t think she’s artistic, either. I didn’t see that. She can’t be a Gemini because she’s not a domineering bitch, Leo is the sign for crazy people, Aquarius is the sign for gay guys, and Taurus is the sign of the bull butch. She’s not a bull butch any more than feminine, so that leaves the sign for the brainy workaholics – Virgo. As mellow as she usually is, she could be Cancer like Tom, but I don’t know. I doubt she’s an Aries. That’s for desperate people. Scorpios are obsessive. I’m not really big on astrology, though. I just know the basics. Fortunately, I don’t think she’d be creeped out by people like me.

When she came in to offer Tylenol and Tums, she took my commissary sheet and said, “Let’s see what you say you’re going to be pigging out on (I told her I was going to order a bunch of shit for my last order). Pain relievers? Is that for after you pig out?”

“Or the headaches this place brings me,” I told her, “and for the weight of my hair, but I don’t want to cut it again.”

“So don’t,” she said.

It’s already just above my waist. I’ve been thinking of growing it long again. Maybe I will. Andy would say, “As if it wasn’t long already!” but no, it’s not. Not after being able to sit on it. This is rather short in comparison.

I wonder if he still does Stevie in drag. Poor Andy. Living in gay bars and getting high, having anything but a “gay old time.”

I said to Teddy Bear, “Just think of how much quieter it’ll be without me here to run up to the door and bug you when I leave.”

She looked away for a second as a slight look of sadness came over her, then she said, “That’ll be boring.”

I told her that if I didn’t know I was to see her again, I’d be bawling my eyes out.

“Aw,” she said.

I still might bawl my eyes out anyway.

I don’t think the sickos that put me here are going to start trouble again for me till I’m just about to get off probation in 10/2003. I doubt they’d want to mess with me sooner and risk the authorities beginning to wonder who the real victim is in this case, and me getting vindicated.

I’d like to think that someday I’ll be vindicated and that justice will be done with these people once they’re exposed for what they are, but as time goes on, I doubt it’ll ever happen. They fucked me over and they’re going to get away with it. Period. It not only burns me up to know I was thrown in jail for something I didn’t do, but it burns me up to know that this bitch and her people aren’t going to do any time for what they did do. When do they do time for the nasty phone messages they left? The trash they threw in our yard? The noise they threw at us at all hours of the day and night? The nasty notes they slipped in our mailbox slot? That’s a felony too; leaving notes in mailboxes. Again, if I’d only known what was going to happen, I’d have saved the evidence, rather than chosen to ignore their childish shit and focus solely on getting the hell out of there, which took us longer than we would’ve liked. I think to myself – damn, I wish I’d had guts enough to call the police more often. But like they themselves said, that’d only fuel their fire more, and they’d just be right back to their same old shit when they left. I don’t trust pigs, either.

When it comes to justice, there is no “justice.” Especially when it involves non-whites and people of authority. Tom reminded me that blacks are thrown in jail too, for shit they didn’t do. I know that. I never said minorities weren’t abused by the law. I just think they have the upper hand in the courts. A lot of people are afraid to rule against minorities for fear of starting riots.

When thoughts of the people that fucked me over eat at me and I find myself seething with rage, I remember my Teddy Bear. I remember that I did get something good out of all this shit.

Yeah, you bitch, you could steal my freedom, but you couldn’t stop romance from blossoming in M Dorm now, could you! Ha, ha, ha, ha!

At the same time, I know I’m taking a hell of a chance by associating with her and putting my trust in her. She may not be a cop, a judge or a lawyer, but she’s still an authority figure. She may look hot in uniform, but she still has a badge!

But life is about taking chances, and stupid or not, I’m going to follow my heart more so than my head and take a chance on her. She means that much to me, and they say I’m bold and gutsy for a reason so I might as well live up to my reputation for that.

It’s kind of ironic in a way because for so long I’d fantasize about meeting this wonderful, gorgeous woman in uniform. Like a lot of people, I’m attracted to a woman in uniform, and I don’t mean no nurse’s uniform, either! Then to have this woman jump out of my fantasies and into reality, even if it’s under some pretty bizarre circumstances, is really quite mind-boggling! I just never pictured her to be white and I sure as hell never pictured her to be a redhead!

Actually, If Teddy Bear stays as good of a person as she has been, then in a sense, I’d feel safer with her than with Tom. Not many people would be as quick to mess with an officer’s lady, even if that officer’s inside a jail and not on the streets. Also, she’s big and she knows karate or at least some kind of self-defense. Lastly, she’s probably got a gun. Although I’d be afraid to handle and shoot a gun myself, knowing she could if it was necessary (God, I’d hope not)! would make me feel a bit more comfortable, not that I’m some little priss. I happen to have some muscle of my own and some knowledge of self-defense. Also, just my screaming and yelling’s been enough to scare the shit out of people at times. There are advantages to being small as there are to being big. Small people can move faster and easier and are underestimated. Sometimes all it takes to defend yourself is being underestimated, and I will do everything in my power to defend myself if I’m ever forced to fight. I’ve had to do it before. Growing up, fighting and survival was a way of life for me.

What really shocks the shit out of me is that - I wanted her and I got her. Anyone who knows me knows that I’ve failed to succeed in getting most of the things I’ve set out to get in my life. Well, this time sure was different! As much as I was trying to be subtle about my liking her because I didn’t want to come across as some cheap, trashy slut who did this regularly, and because jail is really not the place for that sort of thing, I basically threw myself at her at the same time.

Wouldn’t it be funny if she read this shit?

Oh, Teddy Bear, if you only knew the things I’ve written about you and all the dirty little thoughts I’ve had pertaining to you!

She’d probably die of a coronary if she read some of this shit, but then again, who knows for sure how she’d take it? It really would be funny if I ended up sharing this with her, but I worry about her reaction. She may find it rather unnerving to know I wrote about our discussions, let alone some rather X-rated thoughts and dreams. It might also not be a wise idea for her to read about what I think will happen between us. I wouldn’t want it to influence her. Then again, she strikes me as the type to have a mind of her own.

But the book gets good in the end, Teddy Bear! It really does! And just think – if this were made into a movie, you’d be one of the stars for damn sure! It’s kind of funny when you think about it – “the story of a girl who gets framed and thrown in jail, with a romantic twist in the end.”

Hmm…should I really let her read my little jailhouse book? I’ll just have to see what happens with us and how accurate my vibes are. I’ve got an 80% accuracy rate, not 100%, so I could be wrong in what I think will end up happening. I’ll just use my best judgment. I may even throw in a few surprises along the way in her copy just to see how closely she reads it. You know, a few segments here and a few segments there of pure bullshit.

If someone had told me I’d consider, if only for a second, sharing this with a DO, I’d never have believed it. I never would’ve believed it in a million years if someone told me that me and a DO would like each other, either. Then again, I wouldn’t have believed any of it. Not the framing, not the outrageous sentence, not Teddy Bear - none of it. Again, this is something we think only happens to other people or in the movies. It was never supposed to happen to me! Nonetheless, some of life’s best things really aren’t planned, and it’s true that we often meet the best of people when we least expect it, where we least expect it.

Although good came out of this, I can’t forget the fact that there’s still no excuse for what these people did to me. Meaning the black bitch, the pig, the public defender and the judge, and have to be dealt with and made to take responsibility for their actions. I’d love to ignore them and put them behind me forever, but I can’t do that. I can’t just walk away from this one, blow it off and act like it never happened. Somebody’s got to expose and stop these people from doing what they’re doing, and it’s obvious that it’s going to be up to me to set these people straight. No one else has done it and I don’t think anyone will. I’m not going to be cleaning up their act solely in the name of payback and punishment, but for the sake of protecting others from becoming victims, too. They need to pay the consequences of their actions, but I don’t yet know how, where or when this will happen. Mark my words, though. It will happen. I’m not going to turn the other cheek and send them a message saying that what they did was OK. It wasn’t OK and I’ll use every resource available to me to have them exposed/punished!

SATURDAY, APRIL 21, 2001
And now there are 5 empty beds here! Just like I knew she would, Jamie ended up going to A100 today. She took a shitfit over lost pencils, from what I heard, and was banging on the door, going crazy. Bangert told her she could either go the easy way or the hard way. Then she left to pull her card and returned asking, “Are you done with your shitfit? Hurry up and roll up ‘cause they’re coming to get you.”

This is when I began singing some of the Funny Farm song, “They’re coming to take you away, haha, hee hee…”

I told Bangert how glad I was to see her go since she drives everyone crazy.

“I know,” she said. Then she put a finger over her mouth to quiet me as a lady sergeant and a male DO came and whisked the obnoxious little brat out of here.

Bangert later asked next door, “What the fuck is her trip?”

That’s when I heard about the pencils. Yeah, that’s something that would set her off. Anything would set that bitch screaming up a storm. She’d be sweet and polite one minute, on some delusional trip the next, then on a rampage.

“Way to go!” I told Bangert as she passed by my door.

With an amused smile she goes, “And you keep your comments to yourself, little girl!”

On her next walk, I was lying in bed facing the door. She walked by, then stepped back and grinned at me as if to say, “You little shit!”

Bangert cracks me up. She was bitching to me about those “damn bitches in Alpha who don’t want to clean up their pigsty.” One bitch told her to fuck off and she told them, “OK, you want to see a real bitch? You got till the sergeant gets here in 20 minutes to clean this place up, or I’ll cancel your Alpha program.”

Guess she told them really well! That Bangert’s a tough cookie for being the short, 50-something-year-old that she is.

I was the second one out. She woke me up by saying, “It’s your hour out, honey.”

I was too tired to walk the 20 minutes I usually walk, so I just called Tom. I told him about my talk with Mena, who talked with me a second time and calmed and reassured me a little. I told her I was afraid I’d end up killing myself over this and she said that that was silly talk, etc.

Then she said, “I’m not saying they don’t do transfers. Just follow the rules, because 90% of the people in here are in for violations. You’ll be OK, I wouldn’t lose any sleep over this. Just have a good rapport with your PO. They’re not out to make enemies. I know it’s hard being on probation. Your worries are normal.”

I know there are some cool POs, but I’m still afraid I’m destined for the rotten apple of the bunch. One big, giant, mean-looking, biased black or Mexican. I’m surprised they wouldn’t want to see us fuck up, too. They make more money that way. Especially if it’s someone who can afford commissary.

Once again, I cannot do what I cannot do, and therefore, I won’t do what I cannot do. I’m going home no matter what they say because my home is my home. Period. I’m not about to wander the streets of Maricopa County all because of something I’m supposed to have written years ago. And the monthly $40 probation fee is nothing but pure extortion money.

Tom still insists I not listen to what others say and that everything will be fine. He scared the shit out of me at one point when there was a knock on the door. I tried calling him back a few minutes later and got no answer. I tried for several minutes more and still got no answer. My worst fears were going through my head like someone robbing the place at gunpoint, but when I finally got through, he said someone got stuck at the corner.

He also reminded me that we told them 6 months ago where we live, and if they had a problem with it, they’d have spoken up then. Not necessarily, but let them. Let them speak up about it. I ain’t going nowhere.

Last night the juvi banged on the vent to get my attention and we talked for a few minutes. She wanted to know if I had a radio, then today when Bangert was on, she said G wanted to know if I had any batteries I could lend her. I told her I didn’t have any spare new ones, but that I’d gather up my half-dead batteries that still had some life in them and promised her she could have them next Saturday if she didn’t bug me during the week. Meanwhile, I hope no one else gives her batteries till then so I don’t have to listen to her whine to her damn radio.

I’ve been tired all day, but unable to nap so far. I really hope I can sleep late on Saturday.

Tomorrow begins my last everything – my last Sunday, my last commissary, etc.

Oh, Teddy Bear, please come back before I leave!

Felix is on now.

Mattie was telling me that her probation (she’s in for drugs) even requires her to wear a certain dress code.

Damn! Talk about being treated like a kid! What the fuck do clothes have to do with drugs, anyhow? Who cares what she wears as long as she stays clean?

It’s cold in here because of the storm. I knew it was storming before I heard about it on the radio. Even in this windowless cell, I could smell the rain. Plus, the skylight out there was too dark. The lights even flickered a few times and I could hear rumbles of thunder. I wish the cheap bastards would give us some heat tonight, but that won’t happen. At least the cool spell will only be for a couple of days and at least I’m not downstairs where it’s even colder. I went to put my thermal on for the first time since Teddy Bear moved me up here 34 days ago, but it stunk and I wasn’t about to wash the damn thing. So, I threw my shirt on over my gown. It helps keep me warmer.

Dinner’s here, and incredibly, it’s not hot dogs. It’s ostrich meat, which isn’t as good as chicken or beef patties but is still edible.

The meat wasn’t so edible, after all. It had a funny taste and a rubbery texture that was kind of weird, so I saved the rye bread for later and ate the little cupcake, the rice, and the half-dead salad.

FRIDAY, APRIL 20, 2001
Slept till 11:00 when Tomaszewski got me up for my hour out.

The twirp next door was quiet last night. That’s because Atkinson was on. I’m sure she’ll make up for it tonight, though.

This morning was a blanket exchange. Thank God I’m leaving soon because this blanket’s pitifully thin, although it’s OK in this cell which is warmer.

I’m guessing I’ll weigh 124 pounds when I get home. I’m still not so sure I want to bust my ass losing weight again, only to lose half of what I want to lose, then gain it back. I may only concentrate on toning up my muscles, getting my stamina back, and eating healthier till someone goes and undoes all my hard work again.

When I think about my attraction to Teddy Bear, I realize I don’t like ultra-feminine like I used to. I don’t like an all-out diesel butch, either. I like someone who’s right in the middle. Someone like Teddy Bear that you can’t picture in a dress, yet she still looks like a woman. Someone like Arajo is way too dyky. She makes Teddy Bear seem almost as feminine as I am.

Though pitifully ugly with a heavy-set short body, drab gray eyes and dull sandy brown hair, Nancy I was one of the nicest, considerate, mellow, sensitive cellies I ever had, even though I was only with her for a couple of days. Now she’s about to lose 7 years of her life all based on lies like she just told me. I feel so bad for her. Nancy’s a sweetheart who wouldn’t hurt anyone. A lot of these scumbags deserve what they get and more, but Nancy’s as innocent of any wrongdoing as I am. I just know it, although I don’t know the details of her case. I suspect it has to do with kids, but she’s no more abusive than Rosa could’ve been.

When Hudgens said goodbye to me last night, she said whatever I do, don’t come back.

Oh, I won’t! I’d die first. Not only because this place isn’t a nice place to be, regardless of how the people are, but because the embarrassment alone of facing Teddy Bear would kill me. She’d no doubt be shocked as well as disappointed in me.

I thought about telling Teddy Bear that Peaches had a crush on her just to see her reaction, but I already know what it’d be. She’d just say something like, “Oh,” and blush. Then again, maybe she wouldn’t. I thought she’d blush over my telling her how much better her hair looks growing out, but instead, she seemed pleased by the compliment.

Mena just scared the shit out of me by saying that although she’s not sure, she doesn’t know if I’ll be allowed to go to Pinal County since my charges are in Maricopa County. This doesn’t help to comfort me at all, although Tom said that according to the paperwork, I have a right to remain in my home, then get my probation transferred out there.

I lost my freedom, I lost my husband, and now I’m going to lose my home? I don’t think so! I am not going to be forced out of my own home!

God, how do I ever shake these sick, deranged freeloaders from my life?!?! It’s bad enough that they’ve fucked it up this much and are going to get away with it, but you mean they’re going to fuck it up even more? And just how much more? I’m never going to get my life back, never! They’re going to victimize me to my death! I feel like everything I’d normally look forward to once getting out of here is just a dream.

When Mena saw how upset I was getting at the idea of being run out of my own home by my tormentors, she tried to assure me I’d be OK and that they won’t ask me to do things that are unreasonable.

They won’t? Then why am I here over this bullshit and being treated like a child? Why am I going to be told to change my life and probably even where I live when I get out of here?

When is this shit ever going to end?!

THURSDAY, APRIL 19, 2001
Hudgens is on now, and earlier we had Mejia on, who I hope to hell never returns before I leave. God, what a rude bitch! She woke me up constantly with her keys jingling, her walkie-talkie blasting and her non-stop mouth. At one point she was cussing up a storm, telling Tiffany to shut up.

Real professional, huh?

I’m trying to sleep later so I can stay up easier when I leave. I napped towards the end of first shift, but Mejia would wake me up every time she’d go through the door, slamming the hell out of it, and the juvies were screaming as if someone was trying to kill them.

Laticia moved in with Myra, Marla and that other Mexican, so 2 is empty right now. Jamie can go down there when she gets into a fight with Tiffany.

As soon as I went downstairs on my hour out, Myra and Marla were telling me all about it. Myra said she didn’t hit her, as much as she wanted to (I don’t blame her) because court is going well, and she wants to keep her record clean here. She’s gotten no write-ups in the year she’s been here, which shocked the shit out of me to learn. I’m surprised I haven’t been written up in the nearly 6 months I’ve been here. I have a temper, too.

When Temple was on last night, I told her I had 9 days left, and she said she was just thinking about that. Hope she remembers the 29th!

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 18, 2001
Just 10 days left! Teddy Bear, please come back before I leave.

The pictures arrived today.

Bunch just came on. Bunch is cool, but it’d sure be even cooler if she swapped with Teddy Bear! Teddy Bear might not even be here, though. Their days off vary. I asked her why she swapped with Teddy Bear the other night (of course, I referred to her as Johnson) and she said because the sergeant told her to.

Not that I’m complaining, but I wonder why.

It was great to finally see Tom yesterday! He got to meet Misery too, who was doing visitation. I talked the poor guy’s ears off, bouncing between my excitement over leaving and my fears of what lies ahead for me.

On my way out I noticed M’s entry door does have a keyhole. Then why do they always operate the door from the control station?

Vasquez worked today. She told me they canceled the coffee cart because they weren’t making enough money.

Weren’t making enough money?! How much more money does this jail need? It gets donated food, thousands of dollars in “rent,” thousands in commissary, and it doesn’t make enough money? Talk about greedy little shits! Fortunately, I only have 10 days left, and this will be one less thing to wake me up when I’m not already up.

I caught up on my sleep today. I was beat yesterday because Laticia was out first and that mouth woke me up. When the mouth was finally locked down, I couldn’t fall back asleep.

Tom ought to have made my dentist appointment by now. I hope he has because I have to get these things filled in. Every time I get ahead with my teeth or my weight, something sets me back. I just about had my cavity problem kicked, then the freeloaders had to go and fuck things up all over again for me.

Once again, though, I’m not 100% regretful over all this what with how much I’ve learned. It’s been quite an adventure! It’s also going to make life all the more special. Together, Tom and I will appreciate things all the more. And Teddy Bear? I wouldn’t trade meeting her for the world! The only thing I’d change is never being here in the first place. But I am here and I’ve been here and that fiery Palma will always be a hell of a memory to hold onto. So will Rosa and Mary.

Right now it’s looking like the only ones I’ll write to after I’ve been out a year besides Teddy Bear will be Rule, Palma and Pérez. Maybe Espi too, but I doubt Chambers.

I’m mentally analyzing Teddy Bear again. I love to think about her (in both intimate and non-intimate situations)! I keep wondering when she was onto me about my liking her. First I think she couldn’t have figured that out till I started kiting her, but the expression on her face when she took the first kite out of the trap suggests she knew then.

That sergeant is back. Gundy’s his name. Does this mean he shot Bunch again and Teddy Bear’s on her way in? That’d be awesome if that were the case, but somehow I doubt it is. I think he’s just breaking for Bunch.

Yeah, he was just breaking for her. When Bunch returned, she let me out to make a quick call to Tom. I just wanted to let him know I love and miss him and apologize for being such an emotional basket case!

When Bunch let me out I said, “Thanks a bunch, Bunch,” and Bunch laughed, calling me smart-alecky.

While I was on the phone, Marla called out for me to get Bunch’s attention. Jamie and Myra got into it like I knew they would, and Myra and Marla wanted her out. I told Bunch not to put her with me or I’d kick her ass and she just smiled in amusement, though I was dead serious. She’s like another Melinda Brinkman – delusional, can’t get along with anyone, can’t shut up. She was moved up to 4.

This is the longest I’ve ever stayed put in this jail – 31 days.

That was a good dinner for a change. Cheesy burritos with fresh salad and a donut. I ignored the boring potatoes.

It looks like the Mexican girl that was in 4 is back in 1.

I forgot to mention that Garcia worked last night, so I got to ask her why she came in here. She said this cell is very hard to see in, so she wanted to make sure everything was OK before she left.

That’s so rude. She came in last night, too. She should be more considerate and use the fucking flashlight. She went into the juvi’s cell too, which is identical to this one. I saw the creature that lives there too, as I was waiting for an escort yesterday. Through the tower, I saw it come up from the shower room. It looked to be exactly as I pictured – a scrawny Mexican.

MONDAY, APRIL 16, 2001
It looks like Gomez is on again.

Osborne worked earlier. The one who I’ve only known to do visitation. She said she hates it.

Is this girl always in such a sour mood? And where are our regular DOs? Where’s Vasquez, Chambers, Brea, etc.? And is Pérez ever going to get back in here before I leave?

People have shuffled around again. Jamie and Marla, the girl with the nice hair, moved in with Myra, while Laticia moved in where Jamie and Marla were, and the other Mexican girl came up to join Nancy and Tiffany. Mattie and Sarah are still together.

Took a nap that began on 1st shift and extended into 2nd, but without a clock, I couldn’t say how long I was out. Long enough to be up really late. Good, I couldn’t sleep earlier anyway with the way that thing next door’s got to yell and bang till 2 AM. A classic attention-getter just dying to be heard.

I can’t remember if it’s hot dog night or not, but not even they disgust me as much anymore since I’m leaving soon and since they give you a bunch of other crap to fill up on.

The showers have been so hot. You can barely stand them. I don’t understand why we can’t control our own water temperature!

As soon as Tate approached my door last night, I informed her I had 288 hours to go.

She laughed and said, “They warned me next door that you’d tell me how many days you had left. But I told them, no, I want to know hours.”

Dinner came early, just as the last of the sunlight faded. It was sausage patties. They were edible, but not my favorite.

Miss Creeps has really turned out to be Miss Nice. And so fast, too. It took most of the DOs a couple of months to warm up to me, and that includes Palma and Teddy Bear. I’ve never had a DO I just met go from appearing so cold and serious to being all smiles and considerate. During my nap, she obviously closed the door on the end here real quietly. I noticed this as I was waking up. After she saw I was up, she closed it like they usually do, although the door is one of those consistent things I can sleep through, unless it’s slammed unusually hard.

She had her eyes on the clipboard as she was walking down the tier before dinner. She began to walk past me, then backed up and said with a smile, “There you are.”

I said, “I was wondering why you walked past the door,” and she said, in a soft-spoken voice that clashed with her harsh looks, that she always thinks this is a water well door.

After dinner, I was lying down when she did a walk. She came in and told me I could put my tray outside the door so she wouldn’t have to wake me up if I fell asleep. That was nice of her, although I’m sure I’ll be up really late.

I don’t know what it is about that Teddy Bear. I guess it’s just her award-winning personality because she’s so ugly, yet so hot! I’ve never been attracted to someone like her before. I never would’ve believed it if someone told me I’d one day lust for a dyky, giant redhead. I also realized over the last few weeks that I’ve developed feelings for Teddy Bear that border on love. Tom said this would happen too, but I just laughed at him. He said years ago that although I’d still love him, I’d one day fall in love with some woman. Well, I guess I did, in a sense, but I’d still kill myself if anything happened to Tom. I couldn’t imagine life without him. Even so, it’s a nice feeling to know that if I were suddenly alone and homeless, Teddy Bear would be there for me. Somehow I just know she would be. Unlike with Palma, I could probably have a happy life with her, but no one could ever make me as happy as Tom has. I just can’t imagine another human being loving me that much and being that accepting, supportive, patient, tolerant, understanding, etc.

I still can’t believe she doesn’t mind me being so short! If so many other short women and women of average height could reject me for being short as they did, I’m surprised someone so tall would be OK with it.

Andy would be teasing the hell out of me about this if we were still friends. He’d say something like, “See? You didn’t have to spend all that time going to gay bars to find Miss Right. All you had to do was get set up and go to jail.”

Yeah, after finding Mr. Right, and I was never even looking for Mr. Right in the first place. You know what they say, though. It’s when we’re not looking that we meet people.

SUNDAY, APRIL 15, 2001
And now there are 4 beds available in here. Peaches is gone. At least I won’t have to compete with her for Teddy Bear’s attention if Teddy Bear returns before I leave, and I think she will.

Before Peaches left, she was out cleaning and bragging to me, “I’m Johnson’s favorite,” she said.

No, you’re not.

“She just loves me.”

If you only knew!

“She’s gonna miss me something bad.”

That’s OK. What you don’t know won’t hurt you.

“I’m so glad she likes me.”

Don’t worry. I won’t burst your bubble.

Miss Creeps ended up smiling at me last night. I was downright shocked. I didn’t think she was capable of it. Even Misery smiled when she breaked for Armstrong, never telling me to dispose of the rats. If the rats can survive Misery and two sergeants, they can survive anyone. Maybe not Kahn, though. I hope she won’t be back in time for me to find out.

After all this time, I’d have to say Pancake Face Smith is even worse than Misery. Misery can at least smile every now and then and chat with us. Well, I haven’t seen her chat with anyone else, but she has chatted with me.

I called Tom on my hour out. He’s just kicking back on the computer.

I hope to hell the psycho PO doesn’t show up to see me before I leave. I may’ve resigned myself to the fact that I won’t do what I can’t do, but I don’t want to see this pathetic, very obviously biased asshole who’s hell-bent on trying to make my life on the outs as miserable as can be, any more than I have to. Again, just the fact that she ignored Tom and I tells me there’ll be no reasoning with this one. She’s going to be a control freak from hell, and I wouldn’t put it past her to lie to try to violate me back in here.

Well, let me set the record straight – abscond or not, I’m never coming back here!!!!!

SATURDAY, APRIL 14, 2001
Jamie’s not on restriction, thank God. Now I hope Chambers is on tomorrow. Either she or Brea ought to be. Tomaszewski’s on now.

Finishing up with when Teddy Bear was here – yes, she does like me for sure. At least it sure appears that I’m looking at the situation logically and not just assuming that she likes me simply because I like her and would be flattered if she liked me back. If she hasn’t figured out by now that I like her, then she’s incredibly stupid, with the exception of being good with numbers and foreign languages.

Teddy Bear moved the two Mexicans downstairs with Myra and Peaches. I guess Laticia’s got a bad leg like I initially figured.

For the second time, Teddy Bear surprised me by guessing correctly how many days I have left.

I still don’t know who Teddy Bear’s with, either, so she may have to be discreet about our visits. If she were with a guy, she probably wouldn’t have to be secretive about it because guys tend not to mind when it’s another woman. That’s the one and only area where Tom’s like your “typical male.” She might be glad I’m with Tom so she doesn’t have to worry about any strings being attached. Strings scare most people.

She’s a lot like Tom personality-wise. She’s smart, interesting, funny, and the kind you know you can trust and depend on when you need to. She’s also like Tom as far as how easy-going she is. She’s a very laid-back, passive kind of person. I’m more emotional and aggressive than she is. Even though we’ve got things in common, we’re different at the same time. I like that, though I know most people like duplicates. I like people who are different than me, for the most part. I think it balances things out better that way. I wouldn’t want to have too much in common or be too different. Of course, it depends on how we’re different. She doesn’t have to like the same music I like, but if she were into drugs, then we’d have a problem.

Palma and I would clash as a couple. We’re too alike.

I gave Teddy Bear the farewell kite I made up for her, just in case she’s not back before I leave. I don’t know if she read it before she left. She never said anything about it. It’ll be interesting to see if she mentions it the next time she works. Being as subtle yet as blunt as I could, I dropped enough hints about my liking her. I’m 99% sure she knows, though. At first, she just didn’t seem to get it no matter what I did, and I was like - yo, I’m trying to tell you I like you! Comprende? I’m usually a blunt person, but in jail, it’s sometimes best not to be that way.

She’s so hot and I want her so bad! I love to spy on her, too. Something I’m trying to be very discreet about. I don’t want to make her uncomfortable. But I love to watch her as she leaves the pod. She looks just as good from behind as she does in front. I love those strong, broad shoulders, and oh, she has the nicest buns! That ain’t no fat, sagging butt, that’s for sure! I just want to run my hands up her back, across her shoulders, back down even lower to her buns, roam around in front, kiss those lips… Don’t worry, Teddy Bear. I won’t bother to get into what I’d like you to do to me. Oh, if only she knew just what x-rated thoughts go through my mind! In fact, sometimes I have to relieve myself she gets me so horny. Yeah, that’s something you can do in jail, believe it or not. I usually do it at night when the lights are out. I’ve even done in when I wasn’t alone. When your bunkies are in bed, they can’t see you. They could in A Tower, if you’re on a bunk against the back wall and they’re on the sidewall, so you might want to wait till they’re asleep.

I don’t think I’ve written about all the dreams I’ve had with her in them yet, both wet and dry, but mostly wet. I told her about some of them, but of course, I neglected to tell her about the explicit ones (That’d really kill her!).

I’ve had lots of Teddy Bear dreams, including one where she rescued me from the sink I had climbed on and couldn’t get back down from. (I was so impressed with how easily she swooped me off and down with one arm)

In one rather wet dream, she led me down from my cell and into the computer room the juvies use, which had no windows in the dream. I was wearing nothing but my gown. I walked into the room ahead of her, she shut the door behind me, turned around to face me, then folded her arms across her chest, looking really cool with a slight smile on her face. Then she says in a tone that was a mixture of seriousness and playfulness, “Now, how can I get you to be nice to people and quit barking at everyone around here?” (I guess I had been yelling at people in one of my many tizzy fits).

I told her to sit down and we’d discuss it. After she sat on a chair I straddled her lap and sat on it, facing her. I leaned towards her and whispered in her ear, “I’ve got no undies on under my gown.”

Her eyes suddenly widened as if in shock and she goes, “Is that so, Miss S?”

Then in the middle of this juicy scene, someone’s loud-mouth woke me up.

I was fuming!

I don’t know where the hell we were in this dream, but it was somebody’s house. We were talking, walking from room to room. The last room we ended up in must’ve been a bedroom because it had a bed in it. She stepped out to go to the bathroom, and when she came back, I was sitting on the bed with one of the spaghetti straps of my very short and low-cut sundress hanging off my shoulder suggestively. I said, “I love a woman in uniform. Do you like a woman in lingerie? Are you still shy, Officer Johnson?” But before this wet dream could continue, somebody’s mouth went and dried it up. I don’t know who was yelling, but oh, it was so frustrating being woken up at that very moment! Couldn’t they have waited till I at least had an answer to my question?!

One of the funniest dreams was the one where we were in some store together and ran right smack into Palma (wouldn’t Palma get a kick out of that in real life!). We had split up for a minute and then I was calling to her, just as I rounded a corner and found her talking to Palma. Teddy Bear, who suddenly looks as guilty as a kid caught with their hand in a cookie jar says, “Here’s someone you ought to know.”

Palma looks back and forth between the two of us, sizing up the situation. I realized she realized we were a couple. Teddy Bear then got all shy and defensive, saying she just ran into me.

“No, she didn’t,” I told Palma. “We’ve been an item for ages.” Then Teddy Bear insists she never put her hands on me, and I’m like, “Don’t listen to her, Palma. She’s put her hands on me plenty and she does a damn good job of it, too.”

This is when Teddy Bear, whose face was crimson by now, yanks me by the arm and drags me out of the store, asking how I could do that while I was laughing my ass off.

I wonder - is something up there trying to tell me something about Teddy Bear by having me have all these dreams? And just how many dreams could’ve been connected to her that I didn’t realize at the time? How many weren’t just dreams, but were visions of some kind?

Anyway, I told her I was having Tom send in a few pictures. If she doesn’t get them before I leave, that’ll be OK, because she can always see them in the future. I told her I might burn her a CD, and that Tom’s a computer expert who could help her if she ever needed it.

“Excelente,” she said.

For a minute I almost considered having Tom send in the shot of me modeling for Favors, since I’m not totally nude in that shot, with my hair covering my tits, but then decided against it. The nurses would have to scoop the poor girl off the floor if I hit her with that one.

How does this woman stand it when she has to do strip searches? Lucky for her she’s not in the tents. They do strip searches there all the time. I won’t even begin to imagine what it’d be like for her to walk into a topless club!

Anyway, the pictures consist of a few of me from before and after I cut my hair, one of me handling Oreo, and the superimposed one of me floating in the pool with a giant rat on my stomach.

She asked me about some movie actor I’d never heard of before, and I told her I wasn’t into TV much and that when I did watch, I preferred mystery and horror movies. Things with haunted houses. She says I ought to see Beetlejuice because it’s funny and there’s a haunted house in it.

I asked her if she had any “dead friends,” and she said a couple, but they were stuffed.

Yuck! Stuffed dolls are a bore.

I asked her, “Since most DOs don’t like working M because they say it’s boring, why don’t you swap off till I leave?”

Smiling, she said she would if anyone wanted to. I wish she could work here every night! She sure does make the time fly when she’s here! I suppose that’d look funny, though, if she were suddenly requesting to work here a lot.

After she was commenting on how small my retainers are, saying I have a small mouth (I let her know Tom would disagree), I told her I wish my teeth were as white as hers (and Tom’s). She said, “Oh,” right as she turned to move on. I couldn’t swear to it, but I think she blushed. Not that embarrassed, uncomfortable kind of blush, but one that said she was flattered. Teddy Bear does strike me as the type, after all, who’d speak up if someone made her uncomfortable in any way.

I pulled my I’m-Linda-Ronstadt’s-daughter routine on her and she fell for it right away. In the past, I’d leave her believing it indefinitely, but I couldn’t lie to her.

I asked if she noticed the resemblance, and she said, “There’s a big resemblance. You have her hair.”

After I told her I was only kidding but agreed we looked a lot alike, even in the eyes, she said, “You do have her eyes. That’s what was always so pretty about her.”

To me, if you tell someone they look like someone you think is pretty, they’re telling you you’re pretty too, so I took this as a major compliment. It wouldn’t have fazed me if someone like Pancake Face Smith said that to me, but coming from Teddy Bear made it special.

Later I told her, “I don’t mean to embarrass or offend you, but I like your hair better longer.”

It’s grown out some in the time I’ve been here and it looks much better this way. She used to wear her hair in a ponytail, but when it got long and bushy, she started braiding it. It’s a few inches below her shoulders in back. Her hair’s thin, though, so her braid’s half the width of mine. Meanwhile, she didn’t even blush when I told her I liked it!

She said, “Oh, you like it? I’m trying to grow out the sides without sacrificing style.”

What style? She doesn’t have any style any more than I do.

It’s funny how so many bad things have their good points as well. If I’d gotten out of here sooner, that would’ve been great, but my relationship with Teddy Bear never would’ve blossomed into what it is. She talks too soft sometimes, though.

I do not like the DO that’s on now. Maybe that’s just because she’s ugly and I’ve never seen her before. I don’t even know her name. She has these squinty, mean, devilish-looking eyes.

I talked to Tom earlier. He says he’s doing things around the house that’ll surprise me because they’re things I don’t expect him to do.

I also got a letter from him, telling me about work and how the prairie dogs love the lettuce plants.

It was Friday the 13th when he wrote it, saying 13 is a good number for him. Why? Because it’s not for most of us? Although it did save my life one time, and it did bring Teddy Bear that night she swapped with Bunch at the last minute.

Gomez is this creepy-looking thing’s name, from what I just saw. It’s dead quiet, too. It’s like she just snuffed the life out of everyone here and everyone’s afraid to utter a sound or make a move.

I also don’t like the way she’s always at the computer, as if she’s looking to see who she can stick with me.

FRIDAY, APRIL 13, 2001
Friday the 13th has brought about a sad change. Mary’s gone, but I’ll explain in a sec.

First of all, Fisher got a kick out of how I wrote how many days I had left on the back of my envelopes.

I saw a canine dog out in the hall. Probably sniffing for drugs in Alpha.

I’m wondering why it is that the juvies haven’t been in school lately. Maybe they’re on vacation, although I find it hard to believe they have “vacations” in jail. Inmates that work don’t. In fact, most jobs are 7 days a week.

I don’t think they should get special privileges just because they’re minors, like having the computer room. Why should they? Most adults did just as much to get into this jail as they did to get in here.

Out of the many times I was woken up, one of them was due to Jamie screaming at the nurse on her hour out. The nurse ignored her, I guess. When I asked her to be quiet, she told me to go fuck myself.

I’ll remember never to chat with her again or do her any favors.

Jamie’s new celly, who seems a lot saner than she is, sure does have beautiful hair. Long, straight, even and healthy.

I got up for the last time at 10:30 when I heard yelling coming from down in the big tank, and once again, there are 3 empty beds, soon to be 4. Apparently, the black bitch went off on Glenn, the intake DO, and Mary got into it with both the bitch and Peaches. The bitch left first for A Tower, and Wilder left Mary sitting down in the dayroom.

“What’s going on, Mary?” I called down to her.

“I asked to move up with you, but I’m going to A Tower.”

Sure enough, I saw Wilder on the phone, then I saw her pull her card. She rolled her up and she was gone. I’ll probably never see her again, though I do intend to write to her.

I asked Wilder why she couldn’t have put Mary in here, and she said, “Because I don’t do what inmates tell me to do, and I don’t do it based on threats.”

Whatever.

My only worry is fucking Jamie. I thought I heard she was on restriction again. If she is, Chambers will come and swap us. The nut’s 30 days are almost up and I asked her the other day if she was going to return to the tents. “No,” she said. “I need to stay here to punish myself so I don’t fuck up again because this is more jail-like than the tents are.”

Not compared to A Tower, it ain’t! A Tower is so jail. So loud, so filthy, so big. If M were a kitten, A would be the lion. This pod’s square footage isn’t much bigger than our Phoenix house. A pod in A Tower is like 2 or more of our Maricopa house.

As always, I have mixed emotions about staying here, but at this point, I’d prefer to stay here than go to A. It’s mostly because of Teddy Bear. It really gives me peace of mind knowing someone here cares about me. She’d probably even lie for me if A Tower called over wanting to know how many empty beds there were, and yeah, there is something between us. There’s no denying it now. I just don’t know the extent of it yet, but I think I’ll eventually find out.

Anyway, my first instinct was to cuss Jamie out, threaten to break Peaches in half for driving Mary out of here, and be rather cold to Smith and Wilder (I don’t know why they have two DOs on today. Neither of them is training, and this isn’t Pancake Face Smith. This is some skinny butch I’ve never seen before). This didn’t happen, though. Instead, I ended up chatting with both Myra and Peaches, and Smith and Wilder were way too nice for me to snob. They’d smile or wave when they’d walk by, offer to help me carry the stuff I bought from the coffee cart, etc. I met Wilder, who’s always been cool, the night I came here and was in the intake area.

Myra’s as sad as I am about Mary’s being rolled out of here. Peaches says she’s bonding out Sunday, but will have to return to court and will probably get 4 months. We were discussing different DOs, and I hope I didn’t make a mistake when I mentioned Teddy Bear’s kicking Silvia out so I could be alone. Peaches seemed jealous. See, I know she has a thing for Teddy Bear. She just won’t admit it.

“I don’t think they can do that,” she said, but like Myra pointed out, they have the power.

I asked Smith not to put anyone with me if she could help it, and she asked why. I told her it was because I’m not a people person.

“You’re doing fine with me,” she said.

That’s because I don’t have to live with her in this tiny little room.

Out goes Smith and Wilder and in comes Bunch. Every time I see it’s not Teddy Bear, I get a little bummed.

Now that I’m able to stand to think of Tom, I wonder how he is. He’d still be at work. I’ve always wondered/thought about him. It’s just that now I can do it without getting so damned depressed.

I’m sooooo psyched! Teddy Bear’s on!!!

The juvies were picking on poor Teddy Bear. They were holding the door as she was trying to unlock it. She set them straight real fast and yelled, “Let go of the door or you’re all on lockdown!”

They let go really fast.

To me, all the sergeants have seemed like mean, strict, power-hungry assholes with no sense of humor, but that wasn’t the case with the dude that was here earlier before Teddy Bear showed up. He cracked me up. I asked him what happened to Bunch and he goes, “I shot her and buried her in the basement.”

The best news is my letter from Tom! He said he’s been really busy, the PO Box wouldn’t open, and of course, Visitation was canceled. He said he was sorry he wrote a letter complaining, but with all the complaining I’ve done to him, he oughta do some complaining of his own for a change!

I also got a really nice note from Helen and a beautiful card from Ida. They were both brief, saying they hope to hear from me as soon as I get out.

THURSDAY, APRIL 12, 2001
Espi finally worked here, and Fisher’s on now. She got a kick out of how I rock back and forth to the music.

I was beginning to think Espi wouldn’t make it back before I left. She said she’ll try to get in right before I leave.

As usual, we laughed and chatted, and she loved the jokes I told her.

Some Mexican girl came in last night. Rylel put her in with Jamie, then quickly pulled her out because the room was too small for her. She’s next door now. She seems kind of timid.

Laticia and her juvi pal were chatting again, but this time they did it on her hour out, so it wasn’t so loud and obnoxious.

Mary gave me the address of where she’ll be in Fort Myers, Florida. She’s leaving in a week or so. Earlier than she thought. I never thought she’d leave first! I’m going to miss her, too! The address she gave me is a jail, not a prison. She says she doesn’t know when she’ll return to Arizona. With her in a different jail, I’ll feel more comfortable about sending the last 4 months’ worth of journals to her, but of course, I’m still going to edit them. I’m not sure if I’ll send her everything at once, or a few pages at a time enclosed with letters. She said she’s got more testifying to do here, then in Florida. I wonder why two states? Hopefully, I’ll learn more about the case someday.

Till Mary leaves, there are only 2 empty beds here now. God, I wish I could stay alone till I leave!!!

I’ve been in this cell now for 25 days.

I can’t stop thinking about Tom, Houdini, home, and all the things I’m looking so forward to doing! How do I ever repay Tom for all he’s done for me? For standing by me? For writing to me? For visiting? For not getting jealous of Palma or Teddy Bear and thinking he’s no longer #1? For everything? As I said before, I feel just as guilty as I do angry over this shit.

As for Teddy Bear – I can’t get that woman off my mind! I think about her just as much. What’s so neat about her getting the mice from me is that she’s the one who brought it up. I told her I might give any extra babies to our local snakes, since pet stores aren’t close to us, and she goes, “Some mouse mother you are!”

This is around the time she said, “Maybe I’ll get some from you.”

A zillion questions run through my mind. Does she like me? Does she know I like her? How many people has she been with and for how long? Why did the relationships end (bet she’s never been with a stripper before)? She’s probably been with a guy at least once, but she always struck me as being more into women. I think she’s gay and not bi, but who knows? I can’t picture her hanging out in gay bars all that often, not that I blame her. Too many phonies, alkies and druggies in bars, gay or straight.

I know I really like someone when I wonder about them all the time. I don’t give a shit about most people, but when I find question after question running through my head, I know I’ve got a thing for them. I wonder about all kinds of things about her. Why is someone as wonderful as she is alone? You’d think someone would’ve grabbed her a long time ago. Of course, that’s what I said about Tom when we first met.

I wonder just how many other admirers she has in this jail. Peaches and I certainly couldn’t be the only ones. Am I the only one in jail she’s liked? Will there be others? As much as I don’t want the poor girl to be lonely and as much as I know she deserves someone, I’m like - Teddy Bear, please don’t forget me! Please don’t let someone else steal your heart! But I know it’s bound to happen someday, and as jealous as I’ll be, I’ll just have to deal with it and get over it. Perhaps not all good things come to an end, but most do. For now, all you other inmates – the woman’s mine!

I also wonder things like, what does she look like with her hair down? I wonder what it’d look like in a high ponytail once it gets longer. Nice, I’ll bet. She may look great in uniform, but what does she look like in casual clothes?

She doesn’t wear much makeup. Just foundation and eyeliner, but why she wears just eyeliner, beats me. You can ignore the eyeshadow, but you need to add some brown mascara to that eyeliner, honey.

What was her childhood like? What about the places she’s lived?

I wonder more about other jobs she’s had as well as about her job as a DO. I’ve always thought it was a fascinating job. Sorry, Tom, but Teddy Bear’s job is way more interesting than yours! If I was with her, I could see myself asking with interest how her night at work was once she got home. And after having been there, I’d know some of the people/places within the jail she was talking about. I certainly wouldn’t have to ask her, “What’s M Dorm like? Describe it to me.”

I wonder if she’ll ever be a sergeant. Probably not. She’s not mean enough.

What else do we have in common besides mice and foreign languages? I doubt she had the same shitty, abusive childhood I had. She doesn’t even sing. I can tell that by the way she talks.

Once again, I believe I’ll have all the answers someday. When I’m meant to know whatever I’m meant to know, I’ll know it.

Other signs that I like someone, besides being curious about them (I don’t think she’ll ask a lot of questions about my life only because most people don’t), is how my heart races when she approaches my door. Miss I-don’t-give-a-shit-what-people-think is also more self-conscious and wanting to do right by her because of my fondness and respect for her.

I just realized that just because I may be forced to abscond from the probation, doesn’t mean I can’t see Teddy Bear. She wouldn’t have to know, but I couldn’t try to expose the lying, biased pig and sue Joe. I’d rather see Teddy Bear if given the choice (besides, not having any connections of my own as the black bitch did would no doubt prevent me from being able to sue Joe). I may abscond anyway. I mean, do I really want to give another 2 ½ years of my life to these freeloaders? I think I’ve put in more than enough time and money for those very sick creatures.

I’ve been a little more emotional lately, as the reality of my leaving slowly sets in. I’m sooo excited! But I’m scared, too. If only I could know I was worrying for nothing and that Tom was right in all he’s said about this probation shit!

Fucking freeloaders! Ugh! I hate them! Why, oh why, God, did you create such pitiful creatures?!

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 11, 2001
Mena’s on now, and believe it or not, she’s going to let me call Tom later. I never liked Mena much because she reminded me too much of Dureen. Maybe she’s not all that bad, though. She even liked the rats! I was surprised.

I was also surprised that the black are-you-OK nurse was friendly for the first time this morning. She woke me up long before she reached my door, and when she did, I was sipping my strawberry soda.

“That stuff tastes good, doesn’t it?” she asked in a cheery voice.

I got a letter from Tom today, informing me that the prairie dogs are getting some of the peas and lettuce. I knew they would. He also enclosed tax forms for me to sign and return.

Means was on again today, teasing everyone. She’s way cool but too loud for 1st shift. When she asked me how I was, I said I was a little tired because a certain loud-mouthed DO kept waking me up.

She said, “I better tell that bitch off!”

That sunlight’s going to be blinding when I get out of here! The realization that yes, I am going home soon, is starting to set in. I cried tears of disbelief and happiness earlier, after looking up through the skylight, knowing that soon I would be out there! Not soon enough, though.

Six months of my life nearly gone. What a waste.

Or was it? Well, of course it was, and of course I’d never been here at all if I had to start all over again, but at the same time, I learned so much and met quite a few interesting people! I even learned that I can handle a lot more than I ever thought I could. When I think of Teddy Bear, I certainly can’t say it was all a waste. The idea of seeing her again makes me hope all the more that the probation works out and that I’m not forced to run.

I wish I could figure that Teddy Bear out! She’s as hard to figure as Palma was at times. Teddy Bear’s nice to everyone, but with all she’s done for me, could she possibly like me? Just like with Palma, for everything she says/does that suggests she doesn’t favor me in any way, she says/does things that suggest there could be more to it. More than with Palma. Palma never opened my door on practically every other walk to tell me things going on with her. Palma never kicked someone out of here so I could be alone. Palma never laughed with me like Teddy Bear does.

If Teddy Bear’s married to a man and has kids, I find it awfully strange that she hasn’t mentioned them. She’s mentioned her pets, her father, and her uncle, but no guys or kids. Teddy Bear seems like a more private type of person, so I suppose that even if she did like me, she wouldn’t discuss it with me. At least not here, she wouldn’t. If I asked her, though, she’d probably answer some of my questions, but I haven’t done so, so I could keep the mystery going. Sometimes it’s more fun to guess and to try to figure people out. Meanwhile, if we’re meant to be friends, pen-pals or anything more, I’ll get the answers then.

Her making my life here less miserable, the suggesting we see each other in a year, the blushing, the smiles, may be a sign of her liking me, but I don’t know for sure.

Her diamond ring makes no sense. If she were gay, she’d more than likely be the dude in the relationship and that’s the wrong ring for that. The non-dominant one wears diamonds or bands, but the dominant one usually wears just bands like a guy would.

She’s way more masculine than Palma. Palma’s only masculine from the neck down, although her face isn’t exactly soft and feminine, either. Teddy Bear’s only feminine quality is her voice. She’s shaped like a man, with wide shoulders and narrow hips, and being as tall as she is only adds to her masculinity. Again, my tastes have changed because I love everything about her. She has OK eyes which become better than OK with eyeliner and mascara. The color of them is beautiful. They’re light brown with flecks of red that go great with her hair. Her rosy lips go nicely with her hair, too. She has nice white teeth, even though they’re a little crooked. She doesn’t look mean like Palma does, although Palma doesn’t look that mean when she’s smiling.

If I were Teddy Bear’s girlfriend, I’d feel safe with her just about anywhere. With a nearly 6-foot girlfriend in tow, I don’t think many people would mess with me. She’s Tom’s size. She’s at least 5’ 10”, 180-200 pounds, but Palma’s only around 5’ 3”, 140 pounds.

Tiffany thinks she looks both goofy and cute. Especially because of how shy she is.

I wrote her a little farewell kite in case I never see her again while I’m still here. Meaning, even if she shows up tomorrow, I’ll still give it to her.

I enclosed our number in the kite in case my letter doesn’t make it to her.

In the kite, I thanked her for making me laugh and for always making me feel safe. I told her I was looking forward to building my mouse community when I get out, and that I’ll miss her, but she’s worth the wait. I also told her she never had to tell me anything she didn’t want to tell me, but I sure am curious about the person who might adopt mice from me and hoped we could learn more about each other in the future and maybe be net pen pals. I thanked her for caring and asked how the new bird was and if she was teaching it to swear – hee, hee! I told her I have “dead” friend Barbies, too. Even a black one because every “stalking racist” has to have one!

Yes, Teddy Bear’s definitely my favorite DO.

Sorry, Palma!

I don’t know if I can ever bring myself to have sex with Tom again, and I get the feeling he’s not any more interested than I am. Guess that’s what goes with being together so long. The sex becomes too comfortable and too predictable. I’ve heard a lot of other people say that their desire dwindles after so many years, too. It doesn’t mean I don’t love Tom. It doesn’t mean he’s ugly or a bad person, but this is what always happens to me even after just a few months. Those that I was with for about 6 months, well, by the 3rd month or so, I was sick of the sex once it was no longer new and exciting. It’d probably last a long time with Teddy Bear, though, if we ever were an item because I’d be the most attracted to her out of anyone I’ve ever been with, be it for one night or longer. She’s definitely the best-looking one I’ve ever gotten! Or at least hope to get.

Also, he may’ve been telling the truth about not deliberately holding back, but he just seemed to have too many – I don’t know – excuses, I guess you could say. It was like he’d use things going on either with me or with something else as an excuse to avoid me, rather than come out and say that he just wasn’t in the mood.

My only concern about having a sexual relationship with Teddy Bear is that there have been sexual problems with just about everyone I’ve ever been with. Either that or they have some weird quirk in bed or are boring. I kind of picture Teddy Bear to be a bore in bed because of how shy she is. I have to consider that old sex hex I’ve got on me and the fact that it may interfere with the non-sexual side of our relationship, and again, I’d get bored with it eventually, regardless of what I felt for her and even if it took me longer to tire of her sexually.

Mena walked by and I asked if I could call on her next walk.

She said, “Maybe. I didn’t say yes.”

“But you will because you’re going to be nice to me tonight,” I said.

Sure enough, on her next walk, she let me out and says, “Two minutes! That’s all you’ve got!”

Oh, go pick your nose and eat your snots, Mena!

I ran down quickly and told Tom how sorry I was that we didn’t get to see each other. He’s sorry too, but we both agree that my being close to the end makes it easier to deal with. We quickly talked about mail, and I told him Teddy Bear was going to get some of our mice in a year.

TUESDAY, APRIL 10, 2001
I’m pissed! Pissed and depressed, but mostly pissed. There are no visits other than legal visits today because the fucking visitation people are at Madison once a month, and of course, it has to fall on Tuesday. I guess this is a new thing. I feel like something’s teasing me with Tom and is determined to drive a wedge between us! So I wrote him a letter about everything I would’ve told him in person. Thank God I only have 2½ weeks left of this shit! I thought about asking him to come on Sunday, but with the way this guy works, I don’t want to put him out.

I asked Gibb if I could call him and she mouthed, “No, because I already told next door they couldn’t use the phone.”

No problem. I’ll get him on 2nd shift tomorrow night, more than likely.

Means worked earlier. She’s so funny. She grabbed the phone from Myra, who was talking to her cousin, and says, “Hi there!” really loud.

I didn’t fall asleep last night till 4:00 or 5:00 in the morning and was up by 7:00. Then I napped for a couple of hours in the late morning.

We were all pretty pissed last night because commissary never showed up here or in C tower. They didn’t come till this afternoon, and the stupid idiots kept my slip to credit me for the Kit Kat they say I didn’t get but that I did get.

Fine. Let them pay me for it. But why credit someone for something they didn’t get? Why not just not charge them in the first place?

The juvi has been amazingly quieter these last two days. She hums a few bars here and there but doesn’t carry on with the whining for hours.

Sadly enough, Teddy Bear’s off next Monday. Hopefully, she’ll come in some other day, although she usually does Mondays here. I hope she’s here at least once more before I leave. She said she should be. She’ll probably be in on my last Monday here.

Teddy Bear and I laughed together like never before. I’m totally crushed out on my big redheaded Teddy Bear! As I told Tom, if a friendship with her (preferably a little more) comes out of all this bullshit, then I could truly hug those freeloaders for it.

She was telling me she was from Georgia, and I asked her to guess where I was from. She was really close. She guessed New Jersey!

She was all excited about the new cockatiel she got and she stopped in several times to chat with me about that and other things.

She said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if your family was waiting for you with a cake and yellow ribbons tied around the trees?”

Not at 8:00 in the morning. And our trees – well – they’d be a little hard to tie ribbons around.

It was the confusion over something I wrote in a kite that was the funniest part of the evening. I wrote her the kite so she could read it at her leisure because it was a hectic night.

Before the kite, we were talking rodents like we usually do (I’m truly amazed at just how much we have in common), and when I was telling her I want to breed mice (if God will let me), she said maybe she could get some from me. It totally made my night to think of her visiting me someday!!! I mean, she’s just as beautiful as she is ugly and to know that someone this cool could like me, is a great feeling. I thought Tom was the only great person who could ever like me. It’s nice to have this really cool woman, for once, that I like, like me, too. How blessed I am to be liked by someone so special! And just when I was thinking how unfair it was that someone so wonderful would be in my life for such a brief time, even if these last 5½ months have been anything but brief.

She’s so smart, and she has a really good sense of humor. At the same time we have things in common, we’re different, too. I guess some people would find us a strange pair - a singer/dancer and a jail cop.

It’s also quite flattering to know that she obviously believes in my innocence. Stalking’s a serious thing, and I’d think that if you thought there was even a remote possibility that someone could be a stalker, you wouldn’t even think of associating with them for a second, no matter how much bigger and stronger you were.

Do I believe she’s for real? Yes, I do. She certainly seems sincere enough, anyway, but if she’s just playing with my head, it wouldn’t be the first time. I’ve been lied to, burned, and led on before. It’s nothing new. Still, I’d say that if she were all talk, then she’s a very good liar and a very good actress, too.

Please, Teddy Bear, don’t break the heart you stole!

I had asked her to keep the things I tell her between us (I’d do the same for her with anything she trusted me enough to tell me that may be personal), but once I’m out of here, I don’t care who she tells about us. I’m not the one who’s shy or has to work here.

I wonder – just what does she do with my kites? I wonder if she trashes them or saves them.

In the kite, I said that although I’d miss her for the year, good things were worth waiting for, and I hope to shock her with less of me (a lot more hair, though). I told her that in April of ‘02, maybe earlier, I’d start breeding, concentrating on the black and white ones. Those Oreo cookie kinds are her favorite. Then I’d contact her in May of ‘02 (I’ll put two males in with one female. That way if one shoots blanks I’ll have a backup).

I told her I had all kinds of pictures to show her, which she says she’d like to see.

Here’s where I really threw her and got us both laughing our asses off. I said she could meet my other friends too, only they weren’t alive. When she came into the cell after reading that, she was like, “Exactly what are these dead friends of yours?”

I burst out laughing and said that just because they weren’t alive didn’t mean they were dead. That’s when I showed her my doll pictures. She thought they were beautiful and could see why I’d call them my friends. She said she loves dolls, which surprised me. I wouldn’t think she was into dolls.

I feel bad for a lot of these inmates who’ll never have a Tom on the outs and a Teddy Bear on the ins, who’ll one day be on the outs, too.

Right now, the last thing I want to do is hug those freeloaders when it comes to what major bodily setbacks they’ve caused. I’ve got a mouthful of cavities, I’m all flab and no muscle, and I’m 120 pounds. That’s what I get for being forced to live on sugar in order to keep from starving. Thank God I won’t be here when crazy Joe cuts out yet another meal. Eventually, all inmates will have to live on commissary. Those who can’t afford to will be given something like 10 pieces of bread a day with 2 pieces of ham and a piece of fruit. He’s crazy enough to do this, too. Anyone who can make people live like animals by having them live outdoors in tents like dogs in doghouses, especially in this climate, is capable of just about anything.

Sometimes you don’t realize how in shape you were till you get out of shape. I don’t have the stamina I once had. Walking doesn’t seem to make a difference. As I said, I may not bother losing weight/inches just to lose all my hard work by ending up fat again. And besides, I can’t lose something I don’t have, so if I don’t get thin in the first place, I can’t lose it. I don’t know, it’s just so much work for so little at this age, but at least I’ll eat healthier.

Gibb was bitching about Nancy D to room 4. “I remember her,” I said as I was coming up the stairs from dumping my trash. Then I started to say, “She wanted me for a celly so she could…”

“She wanted to lick you,” Gibb filled in.

Yup, she did. I can’t believe how many of these inmates have hit on me and how many DOs have let me know in their own subtle little ways that they’d do me if they could. What do they see in me? Why a 35-year-old, middle-aged person who’s 20 pounds overweight? I can just imagine how it’d be if I were still “Mystery,” the 26-year-old topless dancer that was 5 feet of steel! I was literally skin, bone and muscle. At least I’ll have gained only 8 pounds during my time here and not the usual 30 or so pounds most people gain.

I’m just so happy about Teddy Bear! It’s like I want to shout out to everyone that she likes me, but although we aren’t doing anything wrong, and although she’s been very professional, it’s our secret. Kind of like a game we play, even though we’re not pretending. The only one who knows right now is Tom.

It’s kind of funny how I was bitching to Teddy Bear about being hit on so much only to end up flirting with her! The poor girl must’ve been pretty confused at first.

MONDAY, APRIL 9, 2001
Tom sent me a great letter. It always makes my day to hear from him. What makes me all the more grateful to get his letters is knowing how much he hates to write. Or type, in this case.

He told me about installing cameras at work, the steady rain they’ve had, and how he can’t wait to do a regular grocery run on the 27th.

I’m surprised he’d say that. I’d think shopping for one would be easier.

Fell asleep last night around 2 AM. I slept through underwear, gown and towel exchange, believe it or not (I’ll wash my underwear in the shower). The nurse woke me up, then brunch, then it was my hour out. I was second. I told Kitchen that all I was going to do was sweep, then I was going back to bed. So, I swept the cell, slipped my ham to Peaches, then exchanged books with Jamie. She gave me a book about a haunted mummy. It’s good so far. So I’ll have read 5 books the whole time I was here.

Just when I didn’t think I’d fall back asleep, I did. The juvi started singing at what I think was around 11:00, so I put the earplug I made out of a pad in my ear and fell back asleep right away (I also put a piece of cardboard in one of the vents). At first I thought – oh, no! You mean this thing is going to sing from 11 AM to 11 PM, rather than 2 PM to 11 PM? But I haven’t heard it since I’ve been up. Amazingly, I slept till 2:15! I haven’t slept that long since A Tower.

I could’ve strangled that juvi last night. She was banging on her desk (she’s alone over there now) to get her friend’s attention and that stupid idiot did it right as Jones walked by, too. Jones told her to shut up. Then for some strange reason, the juvi asked me if my lights were on. I gave her back her own shit too, and sang to the radio real loud. I just didn’t want to do it with Tiffany here and blow her eardrums out.

When Sarah was out sweeping, I asked her why she moved. She said she and Jamie were still friendly, but two bipolar people in the same cell couldn’t cut it. I think Jamie’s more like tripolar.

I told Johnson about Tiffany being here until she decided she wanted a bigger room. I also told her how we decided she’s one big old teddy bear once you get to know her. She said she’d rather be called Teddy Bear than some of the other names we’ve come up with for her.

Although Palma will always stand out in my mind when I remember these DOs, and although she is attractive, my fondness, as well as attraction, for Teddy Bear is growing by the minute. At least she’s got character along with her looks, but Palma’s all looks and not much personality. I appreciate some of the things she’s done to help me, but that’s about it. I’m really into Teddy Bear now, and much more so than I ever was with Palma.

You lose, Palma!

For the first time, Teddy Bear guessed how many days I had left and was right when she said 19.

SUNDAY, APRIL 8, 2001
Laticia next door just loves me now. This is because I spoke Spanish with her earlier.

I talked to Tom on my hour out. Tiffany didn’t get up for it even though it was at 11:00. I wish I could sleep from 3 AM – 3 PM myself! Her sleeping so much makes me feel like I’m alone a lot, but I have to hold off on talking to anyone at the door till she gets up.

A phone conversation got Hope all hysterical, then she apparently passed out. Brea called for help and a nurse and a sergeant came and escorted her out, along with Misery and Means. That Misery’s one ugly DO! And fatter each time I see her, too.

Hope got sent to A Tower after she returned from medical. Hann said it was because they changed her classification to max, and if you’re max you can’t live here.

I didn’t know that. Must be a fairly new thing because Kim was max. That would explain why Rosa and Tina never showed up here. They were max. I wonder why you can’t be here if you’re max. This place seems just as secure as A Tower, isn’t it? And why would they max her just because she cried hysterically and passed out? Talk about kicking someone who’s already down! I cried hysterically, kicked doors, threatened to kill myself and no one maxed me. Maybe there’s more going on with her than I know.

If Rule hadn’t told me about Ad-Seg, I’d have refused to work for Joe and the fucked up system for free, and I’d have done my time in B tower.

Oh, it feels so good to be alone, not that Tiffany and I parted as enemies or anything. She just wanted a bigger room with more people, so Hann let her move next door. I told Tiffany that if she didn’t like it over there for any reason, she could move back in with me. I’m hoping, though, that I can do the rest of my time alone! Tiffany and I may both be night people, but unlike me, she likes having more people around. Although she was a good celly, I still prefer to be alone. Now I can shit privately, talk to people through the door without having to worry about waking her up, and I can be on two mattresses again.

There have been a few changes around here. Sarah moved out from Jamie’s cell and up to Mattie’s. Tiffany said she heard Jamie ask to move earlier and say that she can’t move up with Jodi because Jodi doesn’t want her around.

Not with that non-stop mouth of hers, I don’t!

The black girl downstairs has actually turned out to be quiet and Peaches says she’s cool. If they tried putting her in with Tiffany, she’d freak. She’s very Aryan.

SATURDAY, APRIL 7, 2001
Today’s Chamber’s 19th birthday, wherever she is. Art finally cracked his 70s last Thursday.

Atkinson’s now 3rd shift. When she yelled at the fucking juvies for singing non-stop, they shut right up.

Chavez is on again. Now why can’t Palma work here once a week and sometimes twice in a row?

The fucking rude DO we got on today asked me to hand her the cleaning stuff that was 3 feet inside the door that she could’ve grabbed herself while I was on the phone. Lazy bitch! And this is Mejia, who used to do 3rd shift and who I had thought was cool. Tiffany was kind enough to take care of the shit for me.

I offended Tiffany earlier by asking if she’d brush her teeth when she got up. I already explained to her about my doggy nose, so I didn’t think she’d take it personally. She said she was taking offense to a lot of things I’ve been saying lately.

She has? Then why hasn’t she told me?

I’m going to have my radio on more and stay in my own little world. The fewer people say to each other, the less likely you are to piss each other off. And let me put it in writing right now that if I get threatened, although I highly doubt I will, I will attack this one without hesitation.

What she was saying last night is so true. The way you can tell we’re both night people is how we don’t talk to each other much during the day and we each do our own thing. Then around 8:00 we perk up and start chatting.

Tiffany hates blacks as much as I do, although she says she stands for white pride and not white power. Her ex is in for 12 years for dragging a black down the street by its neck for starting shit with him. She says it never would’ve happened if the guy hadn’t started shit. That’s how I feel, too. If the Phoenix freeloaders had just shut up and left us alone, none of this shit would’ve happened. They never would’ve known I existed if I didn’t have to know that they did.

Anyway, Tom said he’s been working a lot of overtime lately and the thing he likes about it is that it makes the days go by faster. He also said he had hoped I’d call this weekend and that he can’t wait till I come home. Me neither!

The two juvies next door are up laughing and talking. This is about the time they start their shit too, at about 2 PM. They’ll be running at the mouths on and off into 3rd shift.

Took a nap earlier. That’s two days in a row I napped, only this time I had an earbud in the good ear.

We were talking about how it’s hard to believe only one DO is in with 128 women in the dorms. I think there should be a DO in each pod where the dayroom is. At times it can take 15 minutes to get a DO’s attention when someone’s having a seizure. If there was a serious fight or medical emergency, the person could be dead even if the DO that’s in the tower knows about it from the start of it.

It shocked the shit out of me to receive my last inhaler today. Only two days after tanking for it.

We were also talking about which DOs we know are gay, which ones we think are gay, which ones are straight, etc. We both agree Espi’s strictly dickly and that Johnson’s gay, despite the wedding ring she wears. Tiffany says she’d bet she’s married to a woman.

She says Christoffers is gay, which I didn’t know. When Tiffany was in the dorms, a group of people was talking about tongue rings and sex when Christoffers, who has one herself, came out and said, “Ain’t no complaints from my girlfriend!”

Tiffany says a DO in the tents, whom she writes to as soon as she gets out (she’s been here a lot) offered to let her come and live with her if she needed a place.

She says she misses Felton, who gave her a hug goodbye before leaving for some other jail.

That’s a hell of a risk to be taking. They’re not allowed to do that. But once again, DOs can do as they please and get away with it.

We were talking about their personalities, too. Despite Johnson’s size, she really is like one big old warm, soft, cuddly teddy bear. It’s kind of what she reminds me of anyway. I like how she’s a softy at heart but knows when to put her foot down at the same time. So many people are either too flaky or too serious, but Johnson’s got a healthy balance going there.

When I mentioned how funny it is when she blushes, Tiffany agreed it was cute. She told me that some girl in the dorms was playfully asking Johnson, “Will you be my girlfriend?” and Johnson was blushing, saying, “Will you stop!”

Can I be your girlfriend, Johnson? My husband wouldn’t mind. I’ll be a really good one! I really will!

Yeah, I know I’m dreaming. Since when did I ever get what I dreamt of in that department, anyway? Maybe in the next life (little did I know at that point!). Boy, is her real-life other half one lucky lady! Yeah, Johnson, you can tell your girlfriend I envy her.

Tiffany and I have been getting along great, as always. Guess I got needlessly defensive there for a minute, as far as she’s concerned.

I gave her some paper earlier to use until she can give me some Monday, but I don’t think I’ll need it, after all.

There are other Ad-Segs in A Tower, Tiffany tells me. That ugly, dyky thing they call Zapata that got in a fight with someone in the big tank downstairs is still there. She’s been there since Ida and I were cellies.

Tate’s on now. On her walk I let her know I was down to 480 hours. Just 20 days to go! I just want to go home! NOW!!!

The juvies are quiet tonight. What a shock.

Tomorrow morning I want them to wake me up like they always do for the coffee cart so I can stock up on soda again.

FRIDAY, APRIL 6, 2001
Barajas is back! I asked if she requested to be here, and she said no, they just threw her here. She said she was shocked when 3rd shift told her I had a bunkie since most of my bunkies disappear so fast.

Just 22 more days, I told her!

Teasing me like she always does, she said, “Good, get you out of my hair!”

I also let her know I was impersonating how she says, “And you should know better!” Tiffany agreed I do it well, too.

Barajas response to that was, “Well, it’s better than me saying, hey you mother-fucker, you know the rules!”

3rd shift last night was Lumia. To me, Lumia was never special in any way, but Tiffany likes her a lot. She said Lumia’s even gone so far as to show her how to keep her door from locking with tissue over in A so she could see her girlfriend. That was before they had the light board. When a cell door is open, a red light appears in the tower.

Temple was on a couple of nights ago saying, “You watch. You’ll have a problem with her (Tiffany), you’ll bully your bunkie and she’ll be gone next time I work.”

Well, if she is, it’ll be because she wants out of Ad-Seg. Jackson told her she wouldn’t make any promises but would try to help her out of here, but we all know what a liar Jackson is. At least I do, anyway.

Anyway, I told Temple that Tiffany wants to be in A200, and she said, “Why? Does she have a lover there?”

I said, “No, but I have a crush on Officer Palma.”

She laughed, shaking her head, then walked off.

Earlier I walked up to the door and started reciting some of Tara’s lines about the stolen ovaries and all that. At first Temple looked confused, then I said, “Don’t you remember Agent Tara?”

Then she remembered and said, “Oh, yeah. At first I thought you were serious.”

Tiffany and I were laughing all night long over this! Poor Temple was like – you mean this girl’s been crazy all along and I didn’t know it?! before she realized who I was mimicking.

I tested Temple to see if she remembered my release date, and sure enough, she remembered.

I didn’t yet mention the sad news in Tom’s letter. Freddie died. That’s 4 mice that have died since I’ve been gone. Tom said he thought about getting the one that’s left a roommate, but decided to wait for me so we could gather mice from a few different stores and build our mouse community back up. Well, this will be our third attempt at breeding, but it’ll be fun buying new mice from various stores.

The wrong asshole was rolled out of here last Tuesday. Yeah, the asshole next door’s screaming back and forth with the juvi bitch. Tiffany agrees it’s rude and obnoxious. I went to bitch to Chavez about it, but I know they’ll pull this shit every day anyway. I’ll wait a day or two, then tell next door to tell this Maria chick that her pal was rolled out again. Maybe I can fool her again for a while.

I wonder if Barajas will work here again before I leave.

Last night we were teasing Jamie while she was on the phone. I was doing most of it. It was so funny because I’d get down and laugh like a hyena out under the door and blame it on the juvies.

The fucking juvi next door really irks me at times. It whines to the radio and never leaves its cell. Most people in an open pod don’t like to be cooped up in their cells, but this one’s always in its cell. And its friends always have to stop by and visit, too. This isn’t like Valleyhead where you weren’t allowed in each other’s rooms.

I was telling Tiffany about my prank phone call days and she got a kick out of it, saying she’d love to hear the tapes. If she doesn’t mind driving all the way out to our house, then sure. She’ll be here a week after I leave and I said I’d write her and give her whatever email address I’m going to have.

Tiffany told me Bryant spited her for calling her a racial slur by deleting her lower bunk slip from the computer, but of course, she couldn’t swipe it from Medical’s records.

The other day, LaBorde walked by just as I was wondering what time it was. “LaVoice? Hey, LaVoice?”

“LaBorde,” Tiffany whispered.

“LaVoice, what time is it?”

“LaBorde!” Tiffany whispered louder and seemed as horrified as she was amused.

LaVoice just gave us this shame-on-you kind of look. Hey, at least I didn’t call her LaBitch.

Haven’t seen Sharon around lately. I caught Jerry earlier and asked him to look out for my inhaler. I put in my final refill request yesterday. I’m sure it’ll take a week of getting on their asses to get it.

Mary said I look healthy.

Wrong. I look fat.

Tiffany said I have a nice, full face.

Wrong again. I have a nice, fat face.

Loud, obnoxious Chavez woke me up from a nap as she was blabbing away really loud with someone in one of the lower cells.

“What’s this with all the mail?” Chavez asked really loud as she yanked my mail out of the trap as she walked by.

What, are 3 envelopes too much for her to handle (I wrote Ida, Paula, and Helen)?

Tiffany told me she once had a bogus job for her PO taking photographs. She made her check stubs on her computer, and she had caller ID, so whenever she’d answer her other line when she’d see it was the PO, she’d answer saying the business name.

THURSDAY, APRIL 5, 2001
Tiffany’s kind of bummed she didn’t get out of Ad-Seg today but says she’s glad that if she has to be stuck here, it’s with me. We get along really well. She doesn’t beg, doesn’t smother me, she’s sane and we have a lot of talks and laughs with each other. I also like how she sleeps from 3 AM - 3 PM! Her plans were to go to the dorms, then get in a fight with someone so she could end up back in A Tower. Who knows if that’ll happen, though? For my sake, I hope she stays with me till I leave. She even has a bottom bunk slip, so we swapped beds to keep us safe. They can’t pull her for her bottom bunk, so hopefully we’ll stay together.

I told her of my PO worries, and she says what Tom says which is not to worry. She says in Phoenix you have to adapt to them, but where I am, they have to adapt to me. They’re going to have to if they want me reporting and all that. They simply have no choice.

Got a wonderful letter from Tom today. It’s so nice of him to write more to make up for our lost Thursday visit. He mentioned installing cameras at work and training people. He said he doesn’t think the tomatoes are going to make it. He’s still looking for jokes too, but says all the sites he’s checked so far have stupid jokes.

To my utter amazement, it looks like Rosa got out of here (Tom checked)! I’d say the case was dropped because I doubt that she could come up with the million-dollar bond. See? In Arizona they’ll drop cases like hers, but not mine! I’m so happy for her, though, but sad too, because I know I’ll never find her or see her again. I’m not surprised, though. I kind of sensed it was our final goodbye when I left her crying in A on New Year’s Day. I guess I served my purpose in God’s eyes – to be her interpreter.

I’m reading a small book Tiffany gave me about a haunted car.

Still haven’t been sleeping well. Guess I got a lot on my mind, combined with the excitement of leaving soon. Tiffany never woke me up once this morning, but half a dozen other things did – medical tank call, our hour out at 8:00 that we refused, the loud bitch next door, chow, and I don’t know if that coffee cart’s such a good idea anymore. It’s been coming too early and I’m sick of being woken up for it. I never could nap today. The juvi got a little too loud for that. I was talking to her earlier. She claims to be a 12-year-old who stabbed her dad and is going to do 10 years in prison, but Tiffany and I don’t believe it.

Tiffany and I made up our own names for the towers, tents and dorms:

A - asshole
B – bitch
C – cunt
D – dork
E – evil
F – fuckers
G – gay
H – hoe
I – idiot
J – jackass
K – killer
L – loony
M – murderer
N – (better not say what this one is)
O – opium

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 4, 2001
Boy, have I got a lot to update on! It’s all good too, for a change.

Finishing up with when Johnson was on – I asked if she could be here Saturday night, my last night here. She said she’d see what she could do but would at least try to let me know where she’d be, be it J, K, etc., so I could wave to her on my way out.

Not at 4:00 in the morning, I can’t. Doesn’t she know they kick us out in the middle of the night? Anyway, I’m sure she’ll work the last week, one of those days.

She asked me to wait a year before I write to her and I said that’d be fine and that if she wanted me never to write, that’s fine, too. She said, “No, you can write in a year and I’ll probably write or talk to you then.”

She has a computer so I’ll mail her my email address when I write.

She said she didn’t want me to feel slighted or that I wasn’t a good person, but their policy is to wait a year.

No problem, I told her. I wasn’t about to tell her that no such policy exists. That’s only for inmates visiting other inmates, but I understood why she was telling me to wait a year. Then again, maybe there is such a policy. She should know her job and its policies better than I do.

I wonder – if the policy was to never see an inmate on the outs, would she never see me again? I also wonder how it could jeopardize her job. If an inmate writes a DO sooner than they’re supposed to, it’s not the DO’s fault.

My new celly said she wrote a tent DO as soon as she left the last time she was in here, and it was OK. She said they don’t usually run and check to see if the writer was an inmate. Well, I think I’ll send Rule’s letter off right away because she’s tents, and put a hold on the others till it’s been a year. That’ll also give me time to get back in shape and slim down so I can enclose a decent enough picture with a rat (till circumstances make me fat again).

My new celly is 28-year-old Tiffany M, booked under the alias of Julie H, and she’s way cool. That’s why she’ll be leaving soon. She’s leaving the jail on May 5th but wants out of Ad-Seg in the meantime. She has friends in the dorms and her best friend is in A Tower.

Tiffany’s somewhat scrawny with brown hair and eyes.

It was 8 AM when Armstrong rolled Tiffany and two others out of A to come to M where Vasquez was waiting for them. At first I was pissed Vasquez put someone in here, and was like – why’s it always me?! Then Tiffany told me the others got cellies, too. A crazy black chick (according to Tiffany, who hates blacks, too) was put in with Mary, Myra and Peaches and an OK Mexican was put in with Mattie.

For no apparent reason, they rolled Teresa out to A. Vasquez said she didn’t know why (I wish they’d pulled loud-mouth Laticia instead). Teresa’s going to be miserable over there since she hates small cells, and those cells appear even smaller because of the extra bunks. It’s 10 times louder and filthier over there, too.

Tiffany was just as tired as I was yesterday, because she too, usually crashes around 2 AM. We both tried to sleep but were too wound up, though we rested and chatted a little. Tiffany’s a damn good listener and she doesn’t talk non-stop, either. She has a very pleasant, cheerful smile, two kids, a boyfriend in prison, and a girlfriend of 3-4 years on the outs. Like my main preference is Spanish, Tiffany’s is white.

I later apologized for not exactly giving her a warm reception after being alone for 3 weeks and being woken up out of a dead sleep so early. I pretty much snapped at her saying, “Just be quiet and don’t beg!”

The poor girl thought she was in for a nightmare. She said she understood how I felt, though. Her only negative is her bad breath.

Tiffany’s in for a variety of reasons and has been here for 8 months. She’s in for fraud, drugs, and is considered to be gang-affiliated because she’s an Aryan Featherwood and a member of Hell’s Angels.

When Tiffany asked me if I hated blacks, I told her that I think 80% of whites are bad, 85% Hispanics are bad, and 90% of blacks are bad. I don’t know enough Asians or Indians to judge them percentage-wise. It doesn’t matter, though. I hate everyone.

She also asked me if I cared about other people’s opinions/beliefs.

No, I don’t. I don’t care if others hate or love gays, blacks, whites, etc. Everyone has a right to feel as they do. You know what they say – opinions are like ass holes. Everybody’s got one.

I was telling her that the reason why so many people have a problem with me is that most people live in a black-and-white world, but I tend to stick more to the gray areas.

“What do you mean?” she asked me.

“I mean, most people are either against or for abortion. Me? I say that since birth control is pretty much 100% foolproof, people who don’t want kids oughta just use the stuff for a change. Then the only ones getting abortions would be rape or incest victims.”

She says she feels bad because she got her mom, who’s always been a druggie, into her fraudulent schemes, and her mom ended up here, too. They were in the dorms together.

Tiffany says this cool tent DO told her mom one day when she was visiting that she better get her shit together or else she’d be the one picking up Tiffany on her release date.

Except for the fact that I was dead tired and had 4 bouts of the runs, yesterday was a great day.

The Shadow Men, returned yesterday. Only I was ready for them this time because I was already awake. It was exactly one month since their last appearance, too. Oddly enough, though, they only searched 4. The cell Teresa was rolled out of.

Tiffany said she knew Becky, who’s as bi as most inmates are, from J dorm, but not what she was in for or when she’ll leave.

Tiffany also confirmed that Pérez and Arajo are gay. I knew it. I knew they were as straight as my hair, and that ain’t straight! She says she’s seen Pérez at gay bars with her girlfriend, and Arajo’s shown pictures of her girlfriend to people in the dorms.

I got a kick out of Tiffany reading my ceiling notes from when I was in here with the madwoman. She was like – what is this? Then after a while of listening to her reading the notes, I told her they were notes I wrote in February.

Tiffany has an 8’ Burmese Python that she’s had for two years. She paid $200 for it and it was only a foot long when she got it.

We were talking about how she’s so emotional for two weeks after getting out of jail. I can just imagine how I’ll be! I even miss TV, and TV’s not my favorite thing.

Futch cracks me up. I asked her for toilet paper and pads on her last walk which she forgot, so on this walk, she actually wrote a note on her hand!

I’ll probably still sleep with the fan on when I get home because if a non-consistent sound like music or engines were to start up, it’d still probably wake me up. As for sleeping with Tom – I still don’t know what to do about that one. Decision-making’s never been harder for me, so I guess I’ll let Tom make the call on that one.

I forgot to mention that when Tiffany was in the dorms, this girl who had a crush on Pérez wrote her a note telling her about it, and Pérez rolled her out to another dorm.

I’m surprised Pérez would do that.

She was laughing when I told her people either hate or love me, and rarely just like me, but it’s true. She also got a kick out of how I was saying I was as controversial as Madonna, but that’s true, too. For example, a lot of people disagree with me, but as far as I’m concerned, executing Ted Bundy wasn’t murder. It was simply killing a deadly animal. Abortion isn’t murder either. It’s simply killing something no different than a cluster of cells or a plant.

We finally had chicken last night, and beef patties with stuffing tonight. We haven’t had stuffing since Thanksgiving. We also never had peach slices in syrup before, either.

OK, now I’m going to get the best part of yesterday over with once and for all.

Palma worked here! I couldn’t believe it when I saw Palma right after I informed Tiffany of my crush on her. She had her hair in a French braid this time. I’ve never seen it that way before. This is when Tiffany told me Palma does her hair according to her moods. She said she’s in an OK mood when she has her hair braided or in a ponytail, but when it’s pulled back in a bun – watch out! Funny thing too, because that’s exactly how she had her hair when she gave me her evil glare.

Tiffany also said that Palma’s a tweaker. That’s what others have said, too. Tiffany says it takes a meth user to know another one and said this was why Palma was most energetic during the beginning of her shift and then would suddenly appear tired when she was coming down. Believe it or not, they don’t do drug testing on these DOs.

So my girlfriend, who’s kind of my ex-girlfriend, is a druggie, huh?

Anyway, on her first walk, she shocked the shit out of both of us by not making me take the rats out of the window (Wilder, Futch and Tate have made disgusting faces at them). She even said, “Are those yours? They’re so cute.”

I asked her why she gave me the evil glare. She said she didn’t give me an evil glare, that’s just how she is, get used to it. Then she said she was probably in a bad mood.

Oh, yes she was, I told her. I was like – who the hell pissed in your coffee this morning!

On her second walk, I told her a joke.

On her third walk, she looked straight down at me and not up at Tiffany when we were on our bunks.

On her fourth walk, I asked if I could talk to her when she got a chance. I thought she’d tell me she’d catch me later, then talk to me real quick through the door, but nope! She unlocked the door right then and there and had me go sit down in the dayroom when she could’ve just talked to me right there. And she called me sweetheart, too!! When I’m not S, I’m babe, honey, girl or sweetheart.

So I sat at a table with her and told her more of my case and why I was apprehensive about leaving, as much as I was excited, and she was so empathetic, encouraging and supportive. She really listened to me and said, “I’d relax, sweetheart, and not worry about these people. Maybe stay out of the city as much as possible.”

She also told me to pray because the lord doesn’t give us more than we can handle. When I told her I felt I was being punished, and she said that maybe there’s a lesson to be learned in all this, I said, “Yeah, lots of lessons! I learned how to peel kiwis with spoons, trim my bangs with nail clippers, but most importantly - never complain to the city when your neighbors get noisy!”

We talked for about 10 minutes, then she walked me back to my room. She stopped on her way by 5 where the Mexican girl was who went home last night. The girl said hi to Palma and Palma asked why she was in Ad-Seg.

“Some girl in the tents,” said the girl with a shrug.

“You got sick of her shit?” asked Palma. The girl nodded, then Palma locked me down after I thanked her for listening.

I noticed she was also nicer to others. She didn’t treat them like she treated me, but she wasn’t being a bitch, either. She was no cell-bouncing, room-tossing maniac! I thought to myself – I’m either falsely crediting myself, or I tamed this woman!

While Palma was still at 5’s door, Nancy, who was smiling happily at me, got a big, happy grin from me as I walked by. She knew why, too! I remember thinking to myself – Mary, Myra, and Peaches are really going to tease me (good-heartedly, of course) about my private little meeting with Palma that wasn’t so private after all.

This time around, though, I never had any explicit dreams involving Palma.

Not long after my chat with Palma, it was visit time! Tom and I had 1½ hours together, but oddly enough, he was told I only had an hour. I rambled on and on about Palma, my excitement about going home and all kinds of things. He told me a little about work but said he didn’t have much else to tell me.

After Tom left, some chick next to me was banging to be let out. About 10 minutes later, O’Farrell came and got us. After dropping the chick off at B’s slider, he began to escort me down to M. He said, “I’m sorry about the wait. It’s just that she makes me mad, acting like my daughter, and my daughter’s 10.”

“No prob,” I said.

Palma walked up to greet us at M’s door right as we arrived at it.

“Palma, couldn’t you have waited another minute before coming to the door so I could have had enough time to steal a donut!” (a bin of donuts was sitting by the door).

She looked at me like I was crazy. Then the control station popped the door and she asked O’Farrell to hang on while she used the staff’s bathroom, and he did. Once Palma was locked in the bathroom, he lifted the bin’s lid with his foot and told me to take one. I did and stuffed it down the front of my shirt. He was like – shit! when he realized I was going to Ad-Seg and not Alpha because he didn’t have a key for that pod. He told me to drop the donut lower to my waist and fold my shirt over it so I wouldn’t have to walk with my arms across my stomach, and I did.

Palma never noticed.

As she was bringing me up to my cell, she asked who visited and I said, “That was Tom.”

“Your old man?” she asked.

I nodded.

She didn’t seem the least bit interested.

I told her I told him that one of my favorite DOs was finally back in M Dorm, then told her another joke.

When chow time came around, I watched her watch me all the way. Her eyes followed me all the way down the stairs. I hit her with another joke as I took my tray and she laughed pretty loud.

Tiffany and I agreed that she’d be the one to take the trays down (slowly) so I could be alone with Palma while she waited for Tiffany.

I was brushing my hair and I bitched about how my split ends were returning.

“I have a ton of them,” she said.

“My hair’s grown a lot since I’ve been here.”

“How long was it when you first came in?”

I showed her.

“It takes my hair forever to grow.”

“I have curly hair, but I straighten it,” I said.

“Why you straighten it, girl?”

“I just like it better that way. It’s more manageable, too.”

“How?”

“In here I’ve just been brushing it a lot as it dries, but on the outs, I have a straightening iron that does it, but it really fries my hair.”

I told her another joke as Tiffany returned, then a couple of walks later was her second to the last walk. She didn’t give me much of a farewell. She just said, without looking at me as she was unlocking the pod door, “You do good out there.”

On her last walk, I hid in the corner as a joke, but she never even looked in. I ran to the door and yelled out goodbye and she called back goodbye to me, I told her she was the best (almost), then threw myself on my bed and cried. I knew it was the last time she’d ever work here before I left.

Tiffany says she thinks she likes me, and that if she didn’t like me, she could learn to because she doesn’t treat anyone the way she treats me. She was as shocked as I am.

She took me downstairs to chat!

She called me sweetheart!

Tiffany said she heard Palma punched someone in K that got up in her face.

That’s something Palma would do. Slug ‘em good, Palma, slug ‘em real good!

Tate was on that night. 576 hours, I told her.

As soon as I went downstairs the next day, as expected, Mary and Peaches were commenting on how Palma really put the digs on me, and how much she seems to like me. I guess I wasn’t falsely crediting myself after all because Peaches herself was pointing out how much nicer she was to everyone else because of me, and how she didn’t toss anyone.

MONDAY, APRIL 2, 2001
Slept better than I have in days with only two interruptions. One was the nurse and the other was Mattie’s voice. Underwear exchange didn’t happen till nearly 11:00, and the coffee cart was a no-show.

When Vasquez got me up to hand me my chow, she asked how many days left I had before I could even tell her.

She gave me two lunches, too.

On my hour out I was chatting with Mary, Myra and Peaches. Myra had an Appaloosa, a gelding and a thoroughbred when she lived in Montana, and recommends a 12-14 hand horse to start with like a Tennessee fox trotter.

Yes! Johnson’s on now!

Before I could ask Johnson, she asked me how many days I had left as soon as she came to the door. I told her to guess, and she guessed 23. I knew she’d be wrong, but like she said, she was close.

Then it was time to play my joke on her. I told her that I had a dream they took away my stripes and made me wear a g-string bikini while she was on. She said, “Oh, no.” Then as expected, she blushed.

On her next walk, I told her I was only kidding about the dream because I just wanted to see her blush. For a minute, as she was checking the water well right before I told her this, I could’ve sworn she looked at me with a fury in her eyes that said she wanted to kill me. It really shocked me and was so weird.

However, as I told her, I did have a nightmare that both she and the evil-looking one were in (she knew I meant Palma). She said, “Oh, no. Though I’d rather be in a weird dream than a nightmare.”

In the dream, Johnson and I were down in the dayroom talking when Palma came in and asked if I liked Johnson. I said yes and that she was my favorite DO. (she just about is now, too) Then Palma said she was going to kick my ass! So I ran behind Johnson screaming, “Don’t let her get me!” Then I woke up.

“That’s good,” Johnson said. “Before I had to use my karate.”

I wonder if they teach them karate at the training academy? I bet they never prepared her for someone like me at that academy!

After a couple of walks, I stopped her because I remembered another joke to tell her, but as soon as she opened the door, she started telling me about the mice she used to have. So after we swapped rodent stories for a few minutes, including the one where Houdini jumped into bed with Tom, I told her the joke. This one had her laughing the hardest. I asked if she knew any and she said she hears so many that she forgets them, but will try to remember some for the next time she’s on.

Speaking of animals, I was thinking about Shadow earlier, sorry that I was so mean to him at times. I’ll always wonder whatever became of him. He’d be about 11 years old now if he were still alive.

There were a few animal pictures I know Johnson’s seen, and a few she hasn’t, so I showed her those. I also let her know I played dumb when Chavez asked why I moved, saying I didn’t know why and that I was simply told to move, so I did. I told her I wasn’t about to tell her all she did to see to it that I remained alone. Johnson’s response to that was, “Yeah, it makes no sense to put you somewhere only to have to move you back out.”

I’ve been alone for 3 weeks now! Wish I could stay alone till I leave, but I’m sure this dorm will fill up by then. Meanwhile, I just hope the wrong DO isn’t on the next time someone comes in.

Peaches says Johnson’s her favorite DO. She’s my favorite now, too. I told her it used to be Palma and she said Palma’s really strict.

“True,” I said, “but that wasn’t why I liked her.”

“I know,” she said with a grin.

Anyway, the rats are in the door now, till someone tells me to take them down. I taped a picture of Houdini and Ratsy in one pane. It’ll be interesting to see how long they last and who tells me to take them down. My guess is that it’ll be either Misery or Kahn, although fortunately, Misery hasn’t worked here for a while.

Oh, did I mention that Laticia actually smiled at me today? She sure did, to my surprise.

Fuck you, freeloaders, for doing this to me! Yeah, we had to have hot dogs yet again. That’s 3 times in 4 days. I bit into the thing because I noticed it didn’t smell as spicy, and sure enough, there were little chunks of cheese in it, so I ate half of the fucking thing.

I told Johnson about my letters from Ida and was telling her how we tried to guess DO’s names by their initials. She got a kick out of that, and when I told her our guesses were Rebecca, Ronda, Renee or Rachel for her, she looked impressed, suggesting we might’ve hit it right on with one of those names. She had me cracking up at one point. I was telling her Ida suggested she might be a Rhoda and I disagreed, saying Rhoda’s are super ugly, so Ida suggested Ronda. This is when she laughed and said, “There you go. She’s only a little ugly. Call her Ronda.”

I told her I think she’s Rebecca, Rachel or Renee.

She asked me what names I came up with for other DOs, and I told her Nottelmann’s a Sarah or a Sandy, Kahn’s a Janet, black Johnson’s either a Glenda or a Gloria, and Palma’s a Juanita or a Janita. I also told her Pancake Face Smith was an Amanda, and she said in a low, sarcastic voice I’d never heard from her before that was actually a bit sexy, “Some people say she’s Barbie.”

I said, “I like Pancake Face Smith better, but that’s our secret.”

“OK,” she said playfully, “just between you and me.”

SUNDAY, APRIL 1, 2001
It’s April at last!

Again I’m tired as hell. I’ve been having trouble sleeping due to the combination of the excitement of going home at the end of the month, and fear of what awaits me when I get out there.

Chambers woke me up to ask if I wanted anything from the coffee cart, then before I could fall back asleep, the immature bitch next door yelled just outside the door. People just can’t drop shit and move on! This thing’s lucky there are doors and walls between us.

I ended up having a pleasant chat with Hope. Hope and Nancy are the only two I have any respect for in that room. She said her only problem had been that I seemed like I was apologizing, but I wasn’t, by mentioning the bruised-looking face, but she’s cool with me.

Of course, I didn’t tell Hope the real reason I apologized. I apologized not because I give a fuck about the bitch’s poor feelings, but because it’s too soon to be having problems in a pod no bigger than our old house. If it were my last night, I’d be banging up a storm in here, and I hope to hell I’m next to these two Mexicans when it is the final night because they’re going to be up right along with me.

Meanwhile, Hope doesn’t want any problems either and says we don’t have to go to extremes and ignore each other, although I wouldn’t consider that to be extreme. She likes saying hi, she said, and said she’d talk to Teresa. I informed her that if it ever got to the point where they were waking me up (the bitch would’ve if Chambers hadn’t beaten her to it), I will wake them up late at night.

Not surprisingly, I took a nap for about an hour and probably will later on, too.

I was the last one out and I called Tom in tears of depression and frustration. Hope motioned sympathetically to me not to cry.

As always, I felt a whole lot better after talking to Tom. Then Chambers came in and Tom said he had a stupid joke for us: If you don’t succeed, don’t try skydiving.

Then Chambers gave Peaches my ham and the drinks she asked for, and Jamie the fruit she asked for. After that, Chambers tells me to lock down, and I started to tell Tom I’ll call him back, then she announced that it was an April Fool’s joke! Tom and I were cracking up. Leave it to Chambers to pull an April fool’s joke on me! I got her back later by telling her she had a spider crawling on her shoulder, but I think she expected something like that from me.

Mary came back from a visit while I was out walking, whispering alongside me that she was going to April Fool’s this place so bad.

I wonder what she meant by that.

I was so glad to hear Chambers tell Jamie she was off restriction today. Good. Now I don’t have to move. Not yet, anyway.

I hope Johnson’s on tonight. It’s been two weeks.

It’s only been two days since we had hot dogs, so we just had to have them tonight. At least the rice and donut were enough to fill me. I knew we wouldn’t have asparagus again. I’m sure that was a one-time thing.

Out of the 5 months I’ve been here, March was the best month because I spent less than a week of it with cellies.

It seems the juvi next door and I have struck up a little friendship. We say goodnight to each other at night, and she wished me a happy April Fools.

I think Johnson will be on tomorrow night. I hope so!

I finished that book, so tomorrow I’ll be playing solitaire with the deck of cards I ordered.

My current plan is to only write Rule, Johnson, Espi, and Chambers. Fuck Palma.

---

Last updated July 12, 2024