April 1998 in 1990s

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 29, 1998
Changed things around in the back room. It looks nice.

Ma says she’s got pictures of their new place on their way to me.

I’ve exchanged emails with Kim, but haven’t heard from Marla.

As usual, I couldn’t go back to sleep after I woke up (this time 6 hours into my sleep) and I knew that if I took a Benadryl I’d sleep more than just two more hours. I’d sleep into the early evening. I still took the Benadryl, though, cuz I’ve got to start gearing towards days so I can see that hot Melanie next Monday!

To my utter amazement, this workout program that I’m doing is really starting to work. I woke up at 122 and have shrunk a little. I’ve still got a long way to go and who knows if I’ll still really get there? It’s pretty much at the start of my day only that there’s a difference. By the end of my day, I’m pretty much back to the way I have been and my tummy’s back out again. Right now I feel like I’m back to 124. Let me go check.

Yeah, I’m 124 right on the nose. What? Is God teasing me? Is he gonna make it look like I’m about to lose weight, then kick me back up to the usual, or what?

Also, the freeloader’s there cuz I heard it slam doors at 10:30.

Later…

I forgot to say that Andy left a message thanking me for the 5-minute phone card that turned out to be a 7-minute one. He said his sister Linda’s birthday was Sunday, so he called her.

He also said he’s still jobless by his own choice cuz he can afford to be and he doesn’t want anyone harassing him about it. It’s his life, so why would I harass him about it? But how can he afford to? He’s back on the pot, so isn’t all his extra money going into that?

TUESDAY, APRIL 28, 1998
I told Tom my stomach was better many hours before he had to go to work. I figured that rather than jump the gun and assume my vibe, feeling, belief, whatever, was correct, I’d see for myself while there was still plenty of time. Sure enough, he never touched me. Then when I told him how I felt about his mixed signals and his not putting his actions where his mouth is, he just laughed. Yeah, well you just wait till I cut out sex altogether, buddy! That’s where these years of complications, mixed signals, excuses, and lies, are gonna lead to.
The freeloader’s car is still parked out front. His old gray car. I haven’t known it to park exposed like that out of the carport in ages.

MONDAY, APRIL 27, 1998
There were absolutely no ball games other than the little girl next door to them who was there for barely a minute. I was shocked. In fact, he may not even be there. It left sometime in the late afternoon, quiet as a mouse, and I haven’t heard any slamming suggesting it came back. So unless it came back just as quietly, it ain’t there.

I feel much better today emotionally. I came back to reality really fast and back to appreciating how things are and this freedom that God’s given me. Most women will never have what I’ve got. I always felt a little self-deprivation did a soul well, so even if I do have my weak moments where I want the impossible, it’s OK. I think things are going great and I can’t complain about how my life’s been and how it seems to be going.

We screwed today. It was both nice and boring. He chose the racy heart as his excuse to bail out of cumming. I wish he’d just hang it up. Why does he feel he’s gotta make excuses for not doing stuff he doesn’t want to do?

Speaking of hanging things up, it’s not May 20th yet, but there’s no significant change in my body/weight, and I still have that sure feeling that God doesn’t want me to change how I look, so I’m not holding my breath for May 20th. Like I said, there comes a time to just accept ourselves as we are and quit driving ourselves crazy hopelessly trying to change the impossible (this is my last time trying to lose weight)! Thank God I’m not doing that anymore with the kid. It really made me miserable to not only want the impossible but to keep beating my head in walls uselessly. There’d never have been a way past God and Tom. As I told Kim, I always wanted to not want a child.

I worry about Kim. I’m afraid she’s going through a similar situation that I went through, and probably always will with Tom (just cuz I came to not want a child, doesn’t mean he’ll realize/admit that he doesn’t either). He’s obsessed with being the opposite of me. Back when I said I wanted a kid, the only reason he went along and agreed was to tell me what I wanted to hear. It was in his best interest to go along with me. Anyway, Walter suddenly wants kids. Sounds too convenient. I think he’s just saying that to get Kim back and I fear her getting hurt. If they get married and she offs the birth control, what’s to say his little weenie won’t dry up, too? Or what if she does get pregnant? What kind of father would he be? A resentful one? Would he even stick around? Well, I hope the paranoid feelings I have about her and Walter are wrong. I just want her to be happy. She’s too good of a person to get burned.

And speaking of burning, I told that shit sister of mine just how I feel in a letter about her paranoia, her lies, her exaggerations, her sympathy trips, etc., and to feel free to keep on giving me the silent treatment. That fuck of a sister of mine! I really worry about Lisa, though. Tom says he’s sure she remembers/knows she can contact me, but is he sure? I miss her and I hope that someday, some way, we can see each other again.

Now God, if you’re not gonna let me lose weight or gain something nice, then quit waking me up. Sorry, but I’m not gonna pay for a human being’s right to sleep.

I fucking woke up at least once an hour a couple of nights ago, and last night, again with the waking up after 4 hours.

Velvet’s all moved into his new cage. I love it, but I think he still needs some getting used to it. It’s smaller than the 2’ x 8’ hutch. It’s 2’ x 2’ which is the perfect pig size. It’s all Plexiglas too, and not all wood. Now you don’t have to walk up to the cage to see him. Tom sealed the sides with a type of silicone like they use to make aquariums leak-proof.

Tweety’s also got a new home, too. Same cage, different location. He now hangs over the pig’s cage. The pig’s cage sits right under a shelf with a fancy bracket that’s got a curved area I can use as a hook to hang the cage. Now things will be much less messy. Now we won’t have to deal with his seeds all over the kitchen floor and counter. It’ll mostly go into the pig’s cage and the rest will be out of the way and easier to vacuum up. I think Tweety will also like it better where he is, too, cuz he can see the sunrise and sunset better from where he is and I think birds like that. He may feel more comfortable being around other animals, too, even if they’re rodents.

Later…

Periodically, I do a Jenny Seagrove search on AOL to see if anything new has been added and I found a little collage of 7 pictures of her taken from one of her movies. Even though I could make these pictures myself, I zapped them into my wallpaper file anyway. The damn thing’s huge, though, and it doesn’t fit on the screen as wallpaper. It’s fine as a screensaver, though.

A silver Caddy that I’ve seen drop the bitch and animal off, came to do just that again today. Real quiet. Just a couple of doors shut not too hard. The bitch was too lazy to take her recycle bin in, cuz it’s still there. El cocko himself is parked out front now. He came in quietly too, with one quiet door. Is he going out again this late? And if so, is he coming back?

I got a good look at the bitch’s driver today and this was definitely, without a doubt, your classic black drug dealer. A young black boy in a fancy car like that? I don’t think so! I wouldn’t be surprised if the bitch didn’t work at all, but really goes off to wherever the crack house is, since most dealers won’t deal from their homes, and helps with the dealing. Anyway, these freeloaders can make a quick buck without lifting a finger and by being able to bum off the city and whatever other benefits they can get for nothing.

Tom was doing the TV scene and now he’s racing cars on the computer. He loves to race that car and watch that TV more than he loves to do me, but I’ll take care of myself in my own way, at my own pace, later after he goes to work.

I told him my stomach was bothering me so I wouldn’t end up pissed that he didn’t touch me and I knew he wouldn’t, too. It’s not that I want to be touched tonight, it’s the principle of the point - him and his damn mixed signals. He says he wants more sex, and when there’s the opportunity for it, he doesn’t act on it. Why is this man so hooked on saying one thing and doing another? That’s what bugs me the most. Is that he doesn’t do what he says. And I wish he’d hang up the racy hearts and other excuses and just do what he wants to do. I don’t like his making excuses to cover for his own low drive/fears.

On the other hand, I love this man to death for making me see just how those potatoes really do clean you out! If this keeps up, God permitting, I’ll never be stuck again.

SUNDAY, APRIL 26, 1998
Maybe seeing this movie was a dumb idea. It’s now got so many emotions and thoughts running through my head! At first, I thought, here’s this woman who got married at some point during her career, was all set to have a kid, but never got the chance cuz God allowed a sick employee of hers to shoot her. But me? I’ve got a very slim, but a chance nonetheless, if I’d just quit what-iffing and go to a doctor. Fuck putting my life on hold to visit my parents. Fuck making them proud. Fuck my being paranoid about Tom’s not wanting a kid deep in his subconscious and manipulating the doctors by not upping the amount of sex we have, by not giving them his cum, and by not doing whatever they suggest.

And then it’s right back to reality. No, I can’t have a kid. Not naturally, not by a doctor, not by adoption, and no, I do not have a chance. I do not deserve it, could never handle it, and God didn’t make me this incompetent and this sterile without a reason. I can’t go against his plans for me. I can’t defeat the purpose of our moving, which is so we can live in peace. I can’t be bogged down and risk this relationship. We can’t have more sex for reasons in and out of our control. A doctor can’t help me, whether or not we both cooperate. I couldn’t handle a child if one fell on me right now. I’ve been down that road before where I fought this hopeless battle so I know I cannot ever have a child and I’m not gonna set myself up to plummet again. Not now, not later, not in any way shape, or form. God knows what’s best for me. He knows what I can and cannot handle. He knows what I’m worthy of and yes, I do owe my parents a visit.

As far as a kid ever goes - I can’t, I can’t, I can’t. There’s no getting by that. I cannot have a child. No matter what we do, where we go, etc. God wants us to have sex infrequently for a reason. He wants Tom to cum rarely for a reason. And I don’t want my husband to feel he has to change on account of me. My dream of having a child was, is, and will always be 100% impossible.

I also believe that if my husband really wanted a kid all that bad (not that he’d run if we had one tomorrow), and if he really thought I could handle that, and could have a child in the first place, then I’m sure he’d push me all the more to do whatever it took to achieve a child. And I don’t mean he’d push me in a bad way. But I believe my husband knows deep down, but maybe not consciously, that his wife is not only as sterile as a doorknob but is in no way shape or form capable of motherhood.

So with this, I remind myself that it’s OK to have dreams, although this particular dream isn’t what I’d call much of a dream these days. Not after what I’ve seen my brother, sister, and others go through. Not with how much I appreciate and value my freedom, my sleep, my life, and want to move. I took all this freedom for granted for a while and I could never imagine giving it up and hell, I can barely keep up with my own self, let alone take care of something that doesn’t have fur or feathers.

SATURDAY, APRIL 25, 1998
No naughty freeloaders today. Just a few door slams were all I heard, except the little girl that lives next to them did come to play ball. She was gone as quickly as she came, though. Good. She has her own hoop to play with.

Tom got a 5-minute phone card with his Pepsi purchase today, so I sent it to Andy, along with a wacky letter.

The pig cage is pretty much done, but it’s got to set for a while. It’s outside and hopefully the cats won’t destroy it.

Tom got a new table with a hole in its center for an umbrella. The one ma used cracked cuz we didn’t have an anchor for the umbrella, which is really heavy. So when it toppled over in the wind, the weight of the umbrella cracked the plastic table.

Blackie is so playful. He even let Tom and I pick him up!

I shit twice today. Something I haven’t done in a long time, so there’s no way I’ll shit tomorrow. I lost a pound or two and even might’ve lost a half-inch or so, but I don’t know. We’ll just have to see where I am come May 20th.

I’m recording a movie about that Mexican singer Selena who was shot by one of her employees. Some older lady shot her, but I don’t know the entire story yet. It’ll be done taping in a little while.

FRIDAY, APRIL 24, 1998
The weekend sure crept up fast on me and I’m sure it’ll be nothing but noise, noise, and more noise. Tom said there was nothing parked in the carport last night. That’s weird, cuz he went door slamming away at 8 PM. Here’s something even weirder. If I hadn’t happened to pop my head out the front window when I did, I wouldn’t have seen his old gray car come in quiet as a mouse. There wasn’t even any door slamming. No music and no door slamming! Amazing, huh? Cuz it’s always been one or the other. Maybe he decided he didn’t want me to know he was there, but that’ll be the day!

It’s too bad I don’t want to gain weight, cuz exercising really puts them pounds on me! It’s fucking ridiculous; working out to gain weight, but this is exactly what’s happening to me. It’s like God’s saying, “You go against me and try to lose weight, and I won’t just see to it that you don’t, but I’ll make you gain weight.” Well, I’m still gonna go the whole 30 days that they guarantee inch loss by, just to prove that I’m no paranoid nut with the ominous, negative vibe I have about something up there standing by to make sure I stay right at the same measurements/weight. I wish I could say I’ll end up wrong, but no way. I know something up there won’t let these measurements/weight budge. But why? All because I can breathe? Shit! I may as well have to pay just for being alive, although I still have my spells where I’m tight, wheezy, and congested. I woke up a few hours after crashing (I forgot that God was gonna make up for all that sleep time I racked up) and I was congested. So cuz of that and having a hard time going back to sleep, I took a Benadryl and slept later than I’d have liked to. So I guess I have to choose between sleeping around 4 hours or 12 hours when I crash.

I was telling Tom about what Ma said about Tammy. It just goes to prove that she really will bad-mouth one daughter to the other. She really will talk bad about her own kids, and even if what she has to say is true, that’s still something a parent should only mention to the other parent (if they’re around) or to the kid that they’re having trouble with.

THURSDAY, APRIL 23, 1998
Freeloader update - apparently, the fuck’s driving yet another car, the little shit. A couple of different cars were there today, but there’s still been no music. Just door slamming and just hours of ball games to come this weekend. I can’t wait!

I wouldn’t be surprised if the freeloader blasted off periodically just to be able to say he rebelled against me and got his way as far as that goes. He wouldn’t want to be completely controlled. Gotta be somewhat of an opposite-of-what-someone-asks/wants doer. God, they’re soooo obsessed with me hearing them one way or the other. That’s kind of scary in a way when someone wants you to notice them that bad.

I mailed off a manila envelope with several sheets of old journal stuff and current journal drafts to Bob. He’ll have plenty to read for a while. I hope he gets it OK and that no guard or inmate steals any of the shit I sent out of spite. They wouldn’t even take the time to read it, either. They’d just take it just to be taking it. This will be it for him for a while. He’s not worth all the postage as it is.

Well, Tom’s mom’s sister Margaret had to be put away. She has a chemical imbalance and cannot distinguish fantasy from reality or right and wrong. She hears voices and is quite delusional. Now she’ll be safe and so will others, as sad as it is.

I got to thinking about Tammy and you know, once again, I’m sick of her shit. I’m sick of her paranoia, her lies, her exaggerations, her jealousy, her being so into herself and not giving a shit about shit she can’t relate to or gain by, and her false accusations. And I told my folks this in my email to them. I figured that if they could go bitch to Tammy about me like they did when she visited them, I can bitch about her. The only difference is that she’ll never know about it. They won’t ask me to talk to her like they asked her to talk to me. Maybe I was just as wrong and childish as they all were, but I did nothing wrong. I’m sorry if an innocent comment I made led Tammy to hear stuff she didn’t want to hear, but I didn’t mean her any harm. She may as well ignore me for telling Larry the weather’s hot here. In Ma’s reply, she said:

“I understand your frustrations with Tammy. She has never changed. I have stayed by her side and supported her since she was a little girl. However, I have reached my limit. Too many lies and sympathy episodes have reduced her credibility with so many people including me.”

Well, my mother hasn’t always been by her side and supportive of her, but even so, I’m gonna back off for a while and not contact her as long as she doesn’t contact me. I just hope Lisa knows she can call me and that this has nothing to do with her. I don’t hate my sister. I don’t wish her any harm, but I’m just sick of her and her ways. No one can change Tammy but Tammy herself and I have no right to demand she change, but I can avoid her for now.

I had a full flow and really bad cramps. Worse than they’ve been in a long time. Some weird shit came out, too, but at this time, I’m no longer sure what the hell it was. I was just glad when the pain subsided. The flow didn’t last long, though, and my tits are still a bit sore.

Got another package today from my folks. I think this was box #10.

There were some knickknacks, as usual, and a candle holder made of thin iron vine-like things with purple flowers. Well, I had that fake cactus with purple flowers so I put it in this holder. It looks nice.

She sent some pictures and some really cute picture frames. One was a dog-shaped one with a picture of Heidi and Max in it. There were some frames of metal with shapes of leaves and flowers. The flowers were magenta. I kept the picture she had of Dad in one of them, then put an old picture of Tom, Mary, Steve, Ray and David in the other one. She sent a couple of big ones of me when I was around 4 and a couple when I was 24 that Kacey took. Tom liked the ones of me when I was little, but he said I was too anorexic looking in the ones Kacey shot. Of course, I think I looked fine. But hey, I was young and had never had kids. If Tom and I had had a kid, I’d be in the 150s. So I guess I better not bitch about being the 125 pounds that my body’s just come to be obsessed with being if I’m right about God standing by to make sure this inch/fat loss program doesn’t work.

They also sent a painting that I like cuz of its palm trees, but the hordes of fat black women kind of detract from that. I still have it in the living room, though.

There were two little stuffed dogs, a Minnie Mouse and Mickey Mouse magnet that’s so cute and on the fridge, and two bushels of pretty white carnations. I’ve got those on top of the fridge in that old vase from Tom’s mom with desert plants painted on it.

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 22, 1998
Just left Kim some emails and said goodbye to Evie and told them to have a good time in CA. I’m sure I’ll have quite the email from her when she gets back. Again, I don’t know how she can find the time to sit and send me so many emails and how this family of 4 can take off as much as they do, but postal employees do make a lot of money. I don’t envy her, though. Packing and traveling when there are just two adults is a bitch and is tiring, so I couldn’t imagine having to handle and survive lugging kids along. That’d not only be an impossible burden that’d steal any privacy and time alone away from us, but it would also detract from the whole vacation itself.

I thank God for allowing me to no longer desire a child. There’s nothing worse in life than having something impossible just eat and eat away at you. I’d never have been able to get by both God and Tom, had I wasted my time going to a doctor. So I’m proud of myself for not going, cuz even if God/devil didn’t exist, the fact that Tom wouldn’t squirt for them or do anything that they suggested to help us, would always have been a factor. He’d have conned us out of a kid, even if it were possible, although I don’t think the doctors would’ve been stupid. I think they’d have been able to see that Tom believes he’s sincere when he says he wants a kid, but that deep down, that’s a whole different story. Some of it may be in his conscious from statements he’s made against having a kid when we first met. But then he just kind of gave in and was like “yeah, yeah” and just going along with me to tell me what I had wanted to hear. I don’t condone his doing that, but that’s all in the past. Now we can move on to bigger, better dreams that I can handle and that we both want. And now I can be glad he doesn’t want a child and that he won’t mention it if I don’t, whether it’s subconscious or not, cuz you always want to have common goals with the one you love. When you have a major thing that one wants while the other doesn’t, it’s tough. The one with the tools, power, etc., to get their way, will be the one to win (like Tom would always win with the kid if I had continued to want that, cuz he’s the one with the dick who can conveniently not be able to get off during mid-cycle), but still, it’s nice to both want big things like with our moving. I may want to move more than he does, but at least he does want to move, too.

The only other thing that I think he’s not honest about is how much he says he wants sex. Even when there is an opportunity for more sex, he doesn’t take it, but like I said, I no longer have a big appetite for sex, I’m bored with our sex. You get sick of doing the same old things with the same old person after so long, but this does not mean that I love him any less and don’t want to be with him. I love him to death and I want to be with him forever. Nowadays, I prefer to just take care of myself. This way I can hit the right spot and go at my own pace. A partner can’t do this as well for you. Even a good one and even one with the same body parts. So, I told him he could order me a vibrator from this catalog, but I don’t know if he will. He won’t admit this, but I don’t think he’s too thrilled about my using a vibrator and therefore, he’ll stall on the order. Hey, we all use a little something, don’t we? He uses vitamin E to up his appetite (not that I think it’s worked) cuz he doesn’t desire me enough naturally. Well, I think it’s more the baby fear that snuffs his appetite since he’s always said sex is a mental thing for him and not what he sees with his eyeballs. For once, he told the truth when it came to sex! Maybe someday I’ll need a hysterectomy. That way I won’t have to deal with periods, and he won’t have to have any lingering doubts as to me being infertile. Speaking of infertility, and weird periods, I asked my mom’s opinion. She too, feels what’s gone on with me is normal. Good, cuz I don’t have any bad vibes and I know God’s not gonna spoil me. He may let me off the hook as far as wanting a kid/being burdened with one, but he’s not gonna free me of those periods just yet! That’s OK, though. We can’t have it all.

Tom was right about those potatoes. They really do clean you out and help with being more regular. Instead of shitting every other day, I actually have some days where I shit just 24 hours after my last shit! Whoopee!

Speaking of how he hops to it when it comes to the things he really wants (this is human nature, though), he called for an appointment for them to come out and check things over for an AC/heat pump.

Tom brought home a little white, round, plastic table with a hole in its center for its umbrella from Ma’s and it is sooo nice! The umbrella’s got ugly colors, but who cares? It’s just so nice to have.

According to Tom, the freeloader’s Jeep was in its carport as he pulled in at 1 PM. Back for lunch again? Either way, that better not have been the freeloader’s music I heard blaring away as I was getting up. I heard it leave later in the afternoon, but not by way of music. I heard it yelling and laughing with God knows who, then off it went.

Later…

I’m gonna be forced to feed White Paws if I want Blackie to eat. This stupid little fuck is doing the same thing he did to Bunny when I wouldn’t feed him, and he’s chasing off Blackie so he can’t eat. And the fact that I kicked at him real hard right before he chased him off did nothing to scare him. He just keeps coming back for more.

TUESDAY, APRIL 21, 1998
In case I didn’t already say, last weekend was peaceful. All I heard was just a few door slams. So, that means that next weekend we’ll be in for ball games and shit like that since they seem to be making a scene every other weekend lately.

In good news, el cocko hasn’t been around for at least a couple of days. I didn’t hear any car doors last night and Tom couldn’t see for sure, since he’s got a dark car and parks so deep, but he didn’t think there was a car there late last night. I also haven’t heard any doors today, so hopefully he’ll be gone for more than a week, but I doubt it. He’ll probably come in tonight or tomorrow night, but before the weekend for sure.

My parents confirmed that that little old picture was Papa Joe. She says she’s gonna send that back to me, along with tons more.

I had to play phone with Andy for over an hour, just to hear the same old shit, but I’m not like my mother, so I didn’t tell him to shut up cuz I’ve heard it before. I just let him get it all out.

He said today’s Marla’s birthday. She’s 48, so I left her a birthday message. I also updated her on Andy’s life, which isn’t too good. He’s still jobless, admitted too lazy to go out and look for a job, hanging more and more with Quinn (as Andy admits - he only cares about looks. Not personality), and he relapsed and got stoned big time. Two guys who are totally obsessed with Laura are constantly calling and going over there, too.

He’s also still torn between staying here with this climate or going back east for a shot at a relationship with David. He’s gonna test the waters with David in July when he goes for a visit.

The weather was gorgeous again today and it looks like summer’s finally here to stay. Tom says it’s supposed to cool down this weekend and rain, but it won’t get cold enough to turn heaters on. Of course I know now that a cool, damp, rainy day won’t stop this weekend’s ball game.

Tom mowed our yard with his parents’ electric mower. It’s great too, cuz it has a bag that catches the cut grass.

He’s gonna call tomorrow to make an appointment for someone to come out and look at the vents for putting in a new AC/heat pump. Yippee! Of course, he’s still too scared and uninterested in making a doctor’s appointment, but I’m not interested in seeing a doctor, either. That is unless this exercise program hasn’t affected me by May 20th. If it hasn’t, and if I keep having such strange and erratic periods and spotting, I may have to look for a doctor myself, then go rule out the possibility that something’s wrong, or see if I can fix it if there is something wrong. I think it’s just God playing games and reminding me who controls this body. That’s fine, God, I don’t want a child. I would like to be thin, but I still have some very serious doubts that that’ll ever be again. My disgusting weight and measurements are 125 pounds and my measurements are 38/30/38. I’d like to be 100 pounds and measure 33/23/33, but if that’s not possible I’ll settle for 110 pounds and measurements of 35/25/35.

Later…

Heeeeeeeerrre’s the freeloader. At least it’s still slamming and not basing. On the other hand, there was no one home earlier, so that could be the bitch and animal being dropped off, who knows?

Later…

That was definitely the bitch’s ride that drove her in and the black cock’s definitely there now. It came in with the music soft, but I know that’s his way of testing me. I know this is his lead-up to loud music.

Oh, this fucking freeloader! Kill it, God, kill it!

Speaking of God, I am very very proud of him (and surprised) cuz just when I thought there was no such thing (besides me nowadays) as a “happy sterile woman,” I find that there is. Laura doesn’t use protection but says there’s obviously something wrong with her. She thinks it’s the drugs. Very possible. I think that’s what sterilized me per God’s will. But the good thing about it is that this built-in birth control system has gone to a woman who actually wants one!

MONDAY, APRIL 20, 1998
It’s hot at last! Today and yesterday were around 90º. The only question is, will it stay this time? Or will it get cold again? We have the cooler on now, as well as fans going. Speaking of fans, at the motel, there was a little fan in the room. One of those 16” ones that go back and forth. So I never did use the sound machine. I used the fan, although neither could do much good. We had the ideal room and definitely the best room I’ve ever had before, but we were still on a busy street, so that brought some traffic noise in.

On our way back, we stopped at a bookstore and quitting buying journals might be sort of hard. I found one with music written on its cover. Something I’ve always wanted. It has flowers too, and it was really nice, so I got it.

Blackie was really, really friendly when we got back. He let us pat him like never before. Guess our absence really made him appreciate how good he has it.

There was a letter from Kim too, which enclosed her email address. Yes, she got her computer all set up and we exchanged a few messages.

Tom got the 98 pictures developed that I shot of our trip. As expected, I look huge and hideous. Anyway, I scanned some beach pictures for my folks and for Tammy and the girls. I scanned mostly beach photos, as well as a few that have signs saying Los Angeles, Beverly Hills, Hollywood, Santa Monica, etc.

While I was in the living room putting the pictures into photo albums, I heard someone yell something for a second that I couldn’t make out, then a few seconds later, they went off again for a second. The only word I could make out was “fuck.” I can’t even be sure if the voice was female or male, but I’m betting on it being the bitch I heard.

Just did my Tony Little exercises again, but still have my doubts as to how I could lose fat and inches with all these pounds, as well as by doing so little. Trying to firm up when you’re fat is like trying to polish nails with gloves on. It’s kind of like you gotta peel a banana before you can eat it, right? Well, you kind of gotta peel off the pounds before you can really shape and tone anything. Being at your ideal weight and toning up go hand in hand. I didn’t start getting any muscle till after I had lost the weight I lost back when I was 19.

SUNDAY, APRIL 19, 1998
Home again! It’s nice to be back home. I missed the animals, the stereo, and the comfort of my own bed. Hotel beds are always too hard.

First, I’ll get into how I feel this trip has helped/changed my attitude and the way I see life and other things, then I’ll wrap up the trip.

I feel more certain that not having a child is the best, and this trip has made me appreciate how things are all the more. Just the freedom and all that has made me sure about forgetting about seeing a fertility doctor, not just cuz it’s easier to talk than do, not just cuz I’ve had enough medically, but just cuz I love life too much these days to throw it away. Besides, what with all the bitching you hear from parents, it makes me wonder - is there really such a thing as “the joys of motherhood?” I suppose many people would call me spoiled and selfish, but I want to live life for my husband and myself. Not for something that’s just gonna be a costly, time-sucking, life-ending burden.

Shit! The freeloaders did get their yard enclosed after all. I see a wooden gate has been put up between the block wall and their washroom. So when they bring in the new dog, it’ll be huddled in that area where it can see the street and where it’s just outside our window, and it’ll bark non-stop. At least they kept their paws off my packages and there haven’t been any music or ball games yet.

Typical Andy. Instead of doing the favor I asked of him, he calls asking me to do him a favor. Does everything I say to him go in one ear and out the other? He should’ve known we’d be in CA. Nonetheless, it worked out fine.

So, like I said, I took lots of pictures. Believe it or not, we drove by some snowcapped mountains. It was weird seeing snow, flowers, and palm trees all at once.

We also drove through an area where there were tons and tons of huge windmills. Guess it was a pretty windy spot where they were, so they took advantage of it to make electricity that way.

So we drove through numerous cities within the L.A. area. I didn’t find Beverly Hills to be all that it’s cracked up to be, but some of the houses were beautiful. Drove by a lot of movie-making companies like United Artists, etc.

As usual, I loved the stuff my folks sent. They sent pretty new peach towels with shells on them, some other odds and ends, and a really beautiful collector’s teddy bear. It’s so cute and is supposed to be worth $200 - $300. It’s in a pretty dress, holding a matching umbrella, with a lamb on a ribbon as a leash, too. They also sent other stuffed animals. A mouse, a rabbit, and a few others.

They sent some exercise videos and I like this guy’s method better than Denise Austin’s, but I just don’t see how just a few exercises that take no time at all to do, can be that effective. And they guarantee fat and inch loss in 30 days. I’ll give it a try, but I still think my thin and firm days are a thing of the past. I also don’t know if she went out and bought these for me, or if she had them and decided she didn’t like them or was just sick of them or what.

I loved the tape of my dad and his bird. The funniest part was when he got a feather stuck in his mouth. Tom and I got lots of laughs from it.

Another tape she sent was the long-awaited tape of Tammy’s kids doing plays and singing. It was what I’d describe as both wonderful and awful. The younger kids’ singing and flute playing were way off-key, but I know they’re little kids and that’s to be expected. It was cute anyhow. Whoever was doing the filming, though, had a shaky arm and couldn’t seem to focus very well, and I also didn’t get what I expected of Lisa’s solo. She only sang for about 20 seconds, the music was 10 times louder than her, and I couldn’t make out a word. I thought she’d be doing a whole song that I’d be able to hear loud and clear, but the most important thing is that I have my nieces on video besides photos. It’s something that’ll always be very dear to me and that I’ll forever cherish.

Later…

Tom stopped at a 1-hour processing photo center and got in a while ago with the 98 shots I took of our trip. As usual, I look fat and geeky, but oh well.

SATURDAY, APRIL 18, 1998
Once again, I awoke several times but still managed to sleep well enough.

I fell asleep before Tom and he says I woke up due to a horn-honking session. I also could’ve sworn I woke up to a few seconds of bass followed by shouting, but he doesn’t recollect any such thing.

Later…

We’re on our way back now. It’s a bit hard to write. I wrote more than I thought I would but haven’t done as much proofreading as I thought I would.

Anyway, we’re gonna be back between 6:00-7:00. In time for a later ball game or a possible party, but we’ll see.

So, are my packages there? Or did the freeloaders help themselves to them?

FRIDAY, APRIL 17, 1998
We are now on our way to California. For real! As always, the scenery is gorgeous. We should arrive in maybe Anaheim, at 2 PM.

Later…

OK, we’re in California, but the road’s a little too bumpy to write.

THURSDAY, APRIL 16, 1998
We’re now in our motel room in Huntington Beach in the L.A. area. We first looked for a motel in Anaheim, but everything was all booked up since that’s where Disneyland is.

We spent 9 hours in the car yesterday. That’s a lot! Along the way, the scenery was gorgeous. I didn’t realize just how colorful the desert can get, what with its pretty clumps of yellow and purple flowers. There was a chain gang doing some type of work along the way, too.

Once we got into the L.A. area, we ate lunch in Santa Ana. Then after what seemed like an eternity, we found a great, cute, and very different motel room and the ocean’s just across the street from us!

I got postcards for Mom, Dad, Larry, Sandy, Jen, Tammy, Lisa, Becky, Sarah, Kim and Andy.

I got another 20 minutes before I can go to the little room just outside the office for coffee.

Anyway, Tom and I took a quick stroll on the beach. The water was pretty cold.

To describe our motel - it’s sort of cottage-like. Where we’re at has only one floor. We’re on the end so there’s no one on 3 sides of us, as well as below or above.

The room is unlike any other I’ve ever stayed in. There’s a small bathroom with a window in it, off of where the foot of the beds is. Also across from the beds are a table, TV, and a little closet area.

Where the bed is, is a regular door with a window next to it (these windows open). On the opposite wall is a sliding glass door with a mini patio and two chairs. There are vending machines and a pool nearby, too, but we didn’t bring our suits.

The most cottage-like feature of our room is the vaulted ceiling with wooden planks. The upper part of the wall where the slant starts is all glass.

So, the room’s been peaceful and quiet, except for Tom’s snoring. We also had a little ant trail in here, but the front desk took care of that.

I don’t know where we’re going today. Perhaps we’ll cruise through Hollywood and Beverly Hills.

It’s been cool and windy, but pleasant, sunny, and gorgeous. It’s not as humid as I thought it’d be for being right on the coast. The weather here doesn’t get as cold in the winter or as hot in the summer as Phoenix does.

Later…

If there’s anything boring about this trip, it’s that you spend 90% of it in a car. Been cooped up in the car and my legs were still and my ass sore, but now we’re back at our motel off of the Pacific Coast Highway.

After I last wrote we went to the office to mail off my postcards and to get coffee and something from the vending machine.

Then we took off for breakfast, then to Venice Beach, which is supposed to be famous.

At Venice Beach in CT, but the shore and waves were much bigger.

Later…

This, as well as last month, has been really screwy. Last month my period was a week late. Earlier I had spotting a week before my period’s due. It’s in reverse of last month.

There was no one next to us last night. There are 6 rooms on this little strip, and I think only one other room was occupied last night at the other end.

I thought I saw some freeloader pass by. Let me guess - they’ll be next to us. Not 2-3 doors down, but right next to us.

Back to Venice Beach. There was a long pier that took us several minutes to walk down. We shot some pictures there, as well as everywhere else we went. I tried to shoot stuff with the names of the cities we’d pass through, so I’d know exactly where they were taken.

The first time I was in CA I took a rock back. This time I took a shell to take back.

We cruised through some of the tourist beach shops where I got a California magnet and a Santa Monica magnet. I also got a colorful towel with palm trees that say California on it, a darker pair of sunglasses, and some sandals. Like an idiot, I didn’t take my sandals, and walking on a beach in sneakers is no fun.

I don’t know if they enforce their stereo volumes here more, or what, but we’ve been fortunate enough to not hear as many of those here.

I picked up 5 more postcards. One’s for Tammy and the girls. One’s for Larry, Sandy, and Jen. One’s for my folks. Then Kim and Andy will each get one.

Today I got tampons and liners, in case I have more than just a few spots before I get home. Also, panties, two sundresses, and mascara. I got black mascara and clear mascara, which is supposed to give you that wet look. Got a huge pink hair clip so I can clamp all of my hair in it after twisting it at the back of my head. I got some musical nail decals, too, but I ought to let my nails grow out more before I use them, so they’ll look better. Normally, I just keep my nails short cuz they fan out, have bad ridges, and look terrible.

We also checked out a computer store where he got a computer game and I got colored paper.

Anyway, California looks a lot like Phoenix, but its roads are awful. They’re old and beat up. The traffic jams are horrendous, but there sure are lots of pretty, colorful wildflowers.

Today we drove through L.A., Hollywood, Beverly Hills, and more.

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 15, 1998
Journal 77 will have a lot of blank pages left. I may use them for letters. I really want to take a new journal with me on this trip, so even if I still have a few pages left in this journal, I’ll still take a new one. Having a few blank pages at the end of this journal won’t kill me.

Anyway, I’m gonna go straighten my hair, so I’ll write more after.

Later…

OK, I straightened my hair. In a while we’re gonna haul out the old, big washer, so we can wash the comforter.

Tom said that last night, a big Jeep pulled in, then left 5 minutes later. There was no music. He didn’t hear the asshole pull in and I didn’t hear him leave this morning, so maybe he wasn’t there last night. Leave it to him to take off while we’re gone. Like I said, it’ll be nice and quiet while we’re gone.

There’s nothing worse than seeing something you envision that’s not good, actually happen. Like I said, I knew that God would start paying back for sleeping pretty well from late ‘93 till recently. If I don’t wake up due to some asshole’s noise, it’ll be just because. I woke up just because 4 hours after falling asleep. I took some Benadryl to knock myself back out, then woke up again later. That time, though, I was able to go back to sleep right away. I got up at 5 AM, which is great for the trip. Taking Benadryl may help with making me sleep longer when I’m trying to push my schedule around, but it can also be a bad thing if it’s gonna push it around too far. I don’t need it pushed any further than it is now, so I’ll have to have Tom make sure I don’t sleep too late tomorrow, cuz I know God’s just gonna wake me up again 4 hours after I go to sleep, then it’ll take about an hour to go back to sleep, and the Benadryl will keep me out for 7 hours. Well, I certainly can’t afford to be in bed a whole 12 hours again, so that’s why he’ll probably have to get me up.

Later…

I gathered up most of the stuff we’ll be taking to California with us.

Even though Tom let the epoxy set long enough on the new cage’s leg joints, it broke off. So he took off all the leg joints and intends to bolt them in to make them sturdier for when Velvet’s running around. So, he will be in the aquarium after all, while we’re gone. Meanwhile, the mice will occupy the Play City cages upstairs. Velvet will be able to look up at the mice while the mice will be able to look down at Velvet. This is cuz I’ll have a T-tube inserted in the floor hole, rather than a cap. It’s easier to get tubes in and out of floor holes and I think the mice and pig would enjoy being able to see up and down.

The comforter we’re washing is almost done. Gotta get it up onto the clothesline afterward.

Later…

Tom just went to mow his ma’s yard and pick up a few things. Ma’s got an electric mower, which will make mowing much much easier. Tom’s gonna hit our yard too, then once we pull Bunny inside in the morning, he’ll throw weed killer on it so they’ll be dead when we return and so it can’t hurt Bunny by the time he’s back outside again.

A silver sedan-type of a car came and went quietly to visit. So she’s home on some weekdays?

I got my comforter in just in the nick of time. It had just started to drizzle just as I got it off the line.

This weather is pitiful. It’s gonna be nice where we’re going in L.A., but it’s still unseasonably cool here. Just when you think it may get pretty warm in the afternoon, it’s chilly or even cold again. Tonight will be freezing. The nights and mornings suck. We still have to run the heat at times, it’s mid-April, and we’re in Arizona. It makes no sense, that’s for sure.

I hope to hell my packages arrive today, but I know they won’t. Therefore, there’s a damn good chance they’ll go to the freeloaders, but what can I do about it? Put my life on hold for a couple of packages? I don’t think so.

Well, I’m gonna go check my baked potato. It should be done right about now.

Later…

No, my potato’s not ready.

Tom sorted out a lot of tools today.

I’ve got us mostly packed and I just remembered to gather up some proofreading stuff for the long, grueling car ride. At least the scenery will be nice.

Later…

If UPS doesn’t come within the next hour, as my vibes say they won’t, then the freeloaders get my packages.

Fucking freeloaders, man! Why do I always have to be the one stuck next to blacks or Hispanics? Of all the off-brands around here, I have to be the one to have them on my ass. We could move to a street with 30 houses on it where all households are white, with the exception of one, and who’d be next to the exception? Us. We would for sure.

It only drizzled for a few minutes, but it’s windy and chilly out there. It’s pretty cloudy, too.

Hopefully, we won’t have any animals coming by to give us a going-away ball game after they get out of school. So far, things have been better than I thought they’d be as far as that goes. I expected a game every day, and if not, every other day, but it looks like that’ll be mostly a weekend thing, compliments of Miss Joely Bitch N. Not Saturday, though, cuz we won’t be here.

I’m not gonna be doing my usual weekend letters since we’re taking this trip. I’ll do them when we get back. That way I’ll have something new and exciting to tell them.

I moved Tweety to the table I do my writing on in the back room. That way he can watch the sunrise and set while we’re gone and be with the other animals.

Later…

Speaking of freeloaders, do I hear one in its carport? I could swear I’ve been hearing him packing, unpacking, or doing something. If he is, I’m surprised he’s doing it this quietly.

We activated the cell phone my folks sent. We can call 911 without it being activated, but we can now call for help if we break down. Tom also knows cars and has every tool you could need for a car, packed in the trunk. We’re gonna leave the Nissan Centra here and take the Ford Tempo.

Later…

I called and left Andy a message, asking him to please check for packages if he can, and put them on the back patio. I pretty much expect an “I was too busy,” or an, “I couldn’t open the gate,” as an excuse, but we’ll see. It’s just that there’s always some sort of problem for him.

UPS is definitely not coming today. We haven’t even got our regular mail. He’s either late, or we just didn’t get anything.

Tom called from his ma’s while I was out back. Guess it wasn’t too important, though, cuz he didn’t leave a mess.

Tom’s home now. Just pulled in.

Later…

Tom got a California map and a map of L.A. He lived in Riverside, CA for a couple of years many years ago.

Tweety likes to file his beak on my pen cap.

TUESDAY, APRIL 14, 1998
Naughty, naughty freeloaders! Oh, are they lucky I wasn’t up and that I wasn’t up in the afternoon and that they didn’t wake me up! They broke their Easter tradition and had company galore. I should’ve known better too, since things have changed around here from last Easter to this one.

In the middle of a dream involving Melanie, I woke up hot, sweaty and a bit congested. I had a little coughing and wheezing, although certainly nothing like what I’d have as a smoker. I went out to take a Benadryl and get a drink and asked Tom how they’d been. He said 6-8 kids, both white and black, from ages 10 on back, were playing ball. Also, there’d been very loud music in the last hour, but it wasn’t him. It was their company.

Tom told me I couldn’t do anything as far as beating up their company goes. No, but if I took care of him and her, that’d take care of the company. I also reminded Tom, no man’s gonna admit some chick beat them up. Then Tom said I was probably right, but that eventually, the odds would catch up to me, and I’d be in trouble. He’s so afraid of losing me. The only real danger I can see as being a possibility, if I went over to kick ass, would be someone whipping out a gun on me. It’s as likely that these freeloaders would have guns as it is that there’s a toilet over there. Guns and blacks go hand in hand. Even so, one of these days they’re gonna provoke me and piss me off while I’m wide awake, or they’re gonna wake me up, and I’m not gonna care about odds and risks. I have virtually no self-control when I get that pissed off. Especially when it’s by someone doing it deliberately. I know that if I don’t fight back when people start stepping on me, that’s telling them, “Yes, you can step all over me and I won’t do shit about it.” Tom still swears it’s not deliberate and that their company, who’s just as sick as they are, couldn’t care less and aren’t thinking of me or anyone else. That goes without saying, but if I were that bitch and if I cared about someone other than myself, I’d have a little chat with my company. It’s her responsibility to curb her company’s rudeness and selfishness.

Well, given the slim chance that I don’t blow and do something to them while I’m here, I am gonna give them what’s coming to them after we’ve moved. There’s no way I’m gonna just let them get away with this. They are gonna pay somehow and hopefully, this will prevent some other unfortunate person who may move in here after we leave from having to go through what we did, cuz the freeloaders will remember me.

Meanwhile, Tom’s gonna call the mayor’s office today, which I still say will do no good. He says the mayor’s into real estate and sold this house to David. Then he went on to say how the mayor would be helpful to us cuz he wouldn’t want Tom to call the TV people to tell them how useless he was, etc.

Later…

Just went out for my second banging spree, but as I forgot to say - when I first woke up, I wondered if it was God’s payback to me cuz I did succeed in waking them up after all. I don’t know, but there is some good in it. When I fell back asleep, I slept till midnight, so this greatly helps my schedule for California. They don’t normally raise hell two weekends in a row, but watch, during the time we’re gone, it’ll be nice and peaceful. No music, no ball games, no nothing.

MONDAY, APRIL 13, 1998
OK, this is the scoop - the next time I hear that freeloader banging in like that in the daytime where I can see what I’m doing, that’s it. He’s going to the hospital cuz I’m sick of his shit, I’ve taken his shit for two years, and I’m not gonna take it for another year. I should’ve beaten the shit out of him two years ago. A part of this is my fault, too, cuz if I’d just put him in his place years ago, then I’d have spared myself all this bullshit, cuz he’d have been too terrified to step out of line after I got done with him. If beating this sick freeloader fuck into submission and traumatizing him into doing what’s right is what it’s gonna take, then fine. So, come tomorrow, he’s dead. Totally totally mincemeat. It won’t be till June before he’s recovered enough to even drive in the first place. I knew it was just a matter of time too, and there was no door slamming. I knew it was the freeloader by the security light and by hearing him shuffle around the carport as he was getting out of the Jeep and going into the house (I ran around to the side of the house). That fucking, fucking mother-fucking freeloader! Who the fuck does he think he is? King of the world? Well, you make my day tomorrow, you fucking filthy freeloader, and you blast off and see what happens! I’m gonna set you straight so fucking fast you won’t even know what hit you, you fucking freeloader! And this isn’t it, either. Once he starts, he doesn’t stop. He’s not gonna blast off on occasion. Just when I started to think that maybe, just maybe, the city did bitch about him, but yeah right! In my dreams. Like I always said, the way to solve a problem with someone is by confronting them head-on. You go directly to the source. You don’t get to people by way of going through others. So tomorrow he’s mine and I’ll never have to worry about him again like I shouldn’t have let myself do in the first place.

We’ve decided to go to California when we originally planned to from Thursday to Saturday cuz we remembered that Sunday’s Easter. Nothing would be open.

They’re still up over there and I just gave them their fourth banging spree, but it’s not enough. I want to bang on them! Well, I might. In just a handful of hours. Not her, though, cuz she’s just a big-mouthed bitch. She’s not the one banging in and out and she’s too little. I don’t usually go after someone smaller than me, but if she came to my door right now, that’d be different. Then I’d deck her like I’d deck anyone else.

Even if the city did mention the letters to them, that obviously didn’t do any good as far as getting his ass out of here. And they know this, too, so why not go back to blasting the music? All she has to do is claim it isn’t coming from her place. Every other car that goes by blasts music, so maybe it’s them, but it ain’t where she lives! So this is how I know I have to take matters into my own hands. It’s the only way to solve this problem once and for all. Even if he doesn’t wake me up, I have to go to bed fearing he will (along with the rest of this sick city) and I’m not gonna live like that. I’ve had it with rude, sick, fucking asshole neighbors who only care about themselves. I can’t take on the whole city, but I can and will take care of the problem just outside these walls here. So, till daylight, you fucking black cock!

Just when I settled back into not eating when I first got up, and not eating much throughout the rest of the day, I’m back to that constant hunger deal. I woke up so damn hungry. Tom ran out to get a double cheeseburger and some fries, which I ate all of, then was still hungry. I just had a hot dog and it seemed like it might curb my hunger there for a second, but nope. I’m right back to being so hungry.

Later…

Now I’m even more pissed cuz I can’t continue on with making my racket now that it’s raining out (just as the pool gets all done filling up) and have to play Leak & Bucket instead. Thank you, God, for caring about me and my feelings and emotions. Thank you so very very much, God! You’re such a fair, kind, loving God. With my shit luck, you’ve made them deaf to my racket anyway.

Later…

The rain let up so out I went to bang on the metal pole of the clothesline. Oh, how I wish I knew they heard me! But I really do have my doubts as to whether or not they hear me when I make my late-night ruckus and that’s cuz I don’t get woken up. God got me back for all those people I woke up in Springfield, so if I were waking these freeloaders up, wouldn’t he wake me up, too? Maybe he will in the future. I didn’t pay for what I did back east right away.

Later…

And there goes another possibly useless banging spree. Oh, how I want to get my hands on that asshole instead!

On the other hand, maybe they do hear me. They heard me yelling at them about the dog freaking out at 2 AM, cuz I heard someone come out of the house. I just didn’t know right away it was to move the dog even closer to me by taking it out of the yard and into the carport. Some loving neighbors they are.

Again my question is, when is the city gonna order them to move on? How many more years can they mooch off the city and have the city pick up the bulk of the tab for their living expenses? And these are not disabled people. They’re just a bunch of sick assholes on welfare that are too lazy to work harder than they do. We know the bitch can work cuz we know she leaves every day, but can’t she work a little harder to pay her own way? Maybe she’s just too damn stupid to get a better job than whatever it is she’s got. Whatever it is she does have, can’t be any better than working at McDonald’s. Maybe the employers of the better jobs also don’t want to hire a selfish bitch of a freeloader, and if that’s discrimination, then I’m all for it.

Later…

I forgot to say that Tom feels it could be the Lactaid that made me nauseous the last two times I had shakes. Whatever. All I know is that God will do anything to stop me from any diet plan working, so fine. I won’t do anything about losing weight and I won’t lose weight. I’ll stay heavy, and heavy I am. My waist is 32”, my hips are close to 40”. Even my tits have grown. I’m around 36” in that department. My 23” thighs are what my waist should be. But again, that’s not gonna happen, though, so I can forget living on skinny dreams.

Later…

I knew it. I just knew it. I not only knew that he wouldn’t cum at this time, but I knew he’d tickle me after sex, too. Why must he do that “I feel guilty for deliberately not cumming, but let me butter you up with tickles so I don’t have to deal with how you feel about it” game? It’s OK. I don’t want a kid anymore, so he doesn’t have to cum. It only makes a mess, anyhow.

Also, Tom said he saw a big Jeep and a little Jeep next door at the freeloader’s yesterday, but heard no music.

SATURDAY, APRIL 11, 1998
We’ve revised our plans a bit and have decided to go to California early on Sunday, then head over to Laughlin on Monday, then return on Tuesday. This is cuz of all the times I receive packages, the packages would probably come when we were originally gonna go from Thursday to Saturday, and the freeloaders would probably steal them. Or one of their sick associates would. I don’t know how the hell I’m gonna work my schedule out for this, though. I prayed to God, who seems to have no problem with granting my sleep wishes these days, so hopefully it’ll work out. Tom said it’d be no problem due to the excitement of the whole ordeal. Well, I don’t know if I’m as excited as I would be if this was my first time in California and if I didn’t mind traveling and hard hotel beds. I’m hoping, though, that I can get lucky twice in a row and do the nap thing again so I can throw my schedule like I did before seeing Melanie.

Another strange twist as far as the freeloaders go. He left at 7:30 AM, his typical time to leave for work. It doesn’t usually come back till around 4 PM, but not this time. This time it came back at 9:30 and left at 10:00. Then it came back at 11:00, left a bit later, then as I was falling asleep, I thought I heard it return around noon. All I saw (besides hearing car doors) was the kid sitting in its stroller, then some tall short-haired black woman dressed up nicely, but conservatively. I’ve never known him to be in and out like that on a weekday. That’s his weekend thing. If that doesn’t sound like they’re hauling shit in or out, I don’t know what does. Wherever they’re hauling to or from, though, obviously can’t be far away.

Later…

The pool’s virtually all filled up. Just a few more inches to go.

Today’s not a dump day for me, but tomorrow I’ll take that shit. I seem to go every other day now. No wonder I can’t lose weight, but God will do whatever he has to to keep me heavy. I’m glad, though, that I gave up the diet roller coaster. Not just cuz it’s hopeless, but cuz it was driving me crazy. Now I’m more relaxed.

Tom was going through some stuff stored in his little room off the back room and came across something really neat. It’s this stick you bend that breaks a glass tube inside it and that lights up. Some chemical reaction, I guess. We used to play with these as kids at the beach.

Jesus fucking Christ! The freeloader just banged in really, really loud. The nerve of this fucking freeloader! I swear I’m gonna make this freeloader’s life miserable and tonight it’s not getting no sleep whatsoever!

Later…

I just went out for a banging round and I’m gonna do this every hour till Tom gets up. I could kill this fucker! Why won’t he just leave me the fuck alone! Tom said there wasn’t a sound from over there all day but I knew it was just a matter of time. Tomorrow’s Easter and I’ve never known them to act up on Easter, but we’ll see. Each time he lays into me with the music like that, I’ll be anything but peaceful myself.

Tom was saying that the place was lit up at 1:00 or 2:00 in the morning, something she does when he’s not there. But he has been there. We’ve seen his Jeep. Maybe the reason the place has been lit up that late is cuz of me. Maybe it makes them feel more comfortable with me around, but I swear! It’s just a matter of time and I’m gonna kick the living shit out of him for the two years of hell and stress he’s put me through. This isn’t an I’m-going-somewhere-for-a-while blast-off, either. Neither one of them is going anywhere, but if this is how he wants to play it, then he’s gonna have to hear me too, cuz I’m fixing to drag one of the speakers out there at night and let them listen to my music all night long.

Oh, how I wish that black bitch would come to my door right now! Oh, please God, send her here! I’m so pissed off now that I can’t even write.

FRIDAY, APRIL 10, 1998
Scaredy, scaredy, scaredy! As figured, no sex tonight. But should I really go through all the hassles of a doctor just to ease his fears, when I know there’s nothing to fear?

Later…

I’m so frustrated now, I could kill! Again, I wish I could physically grab hold of God or whoever’s controlling me and wring their fucking neck!

I’m tired of this going back and forth with the appetite. I go a few days where I’m not hungry, then I’m fucking starving! How dare God insult me some more too, by making me suddenly so nauseous after having those diet shakes. I never used to get nauseous after having dairy products. Gassy yes, but not where I felt like puking. He just does not want me to lose weight. It’s cuz I went against him by getting those Lactaid tablets. They worked, so he knew he had to go to extremes just to keep me off the shakes and in his control.

So, as usual, you win God. I’m right where you want me to be - fat and unable to do anything about it. I’ll be damned if I’ll suffer the hunger of not eating much just to maintain the same weight. Once again, I’ll never lose this weight. So the sooner I just eat what I want, when I want, and accept this fat, the less miserable I’ll be. You can’t fight God and win and in order to be allowed to use my lungs to their fullest potential, I must pay for it in pounds. Well, better to be fat than to not be able to breathe. If only I could puke, but nope, it’s just too gross. Oh well. I’m fat, it’s for a reason, it’s meant to be, I can’t change it, so…so be it. My not eating much lately wasn’t so much to lose weight, as it was to maintain weight, but whether or not something’s wrong, why suffer needlessly? Why go hungry just to maintain a weight that’s too much for me, anyway? So, I may as well not worry about eating just a few bites a day and eat what I want and allow myself to gain weight, cuz it’s not worth being hungry just to weigh something that’s too much for me, anyway. Whether I’m 125 or 175, they’re both too much.

THURSDAY, APRIL 9, 1998
El cocko just may not be there tonight after all. I didn’t hear any door slamming, so who knows, but get this - just when I thought I had the situation next door figured out, I’m confused again. Tom says the city van was there again today. He said the door to the van was open and it looked like it was filled with cleaning stuff. What? Are they now having their house cleaned for free, too?

Later…

I’m filling the pool up now! It took about two hours to fill the spa and now I’m working on the main part, which will take close to two days. The light’s burned out back there, but between the water’s reflection and the bright moonlight, I can see the water level perfectly.

I knew it. Here are the signs saying Andy isn’t gonna go back east. He said he’s been too impulsive and needs to work a couple of months and plan his trip before he goes back east, etc. He won’t go. I know he won’t. And after these couple of months, he’ll need a couple more, then a couple more, etc.

Later…

Tom made the excuses I knew he would to bail out of sex - he’s too tired. If something doesn’t hurt, and if he’s not sick, he’s tired. Or too busy. I know my schedule’s not the greatest, but still, he did just what I knew he’d do. I knew he’d either not cum or avoid sex altogether.

Maybe, despite my low libido these days, I should go to a doctor for his sake, just to prove to his subconscious that he has nothing to fear. Nah - I’ve had enough medically between the ear, the asthma, the braces, and so much more. On the other hand, with that gorgeous Melanie Marie, braces aren’t such a bad thing. Out of everyone I’ve seen in the medical profession (physical), she’s the best-looking I’ve ever seen. Most of them are plain or downright ugly, like Kim.

So, is Mr. Fuck parked next door? And what the fuck’s going on? I’d say Mr. Fuck is not parked there. I don’t smell or sense any garbage just outside here, but what is going on? Are the trips he’s making to haul shit out? Or what? I don’t see them going anywhere for a while, as I said before.

The pool’s coming along really well. It’s hard to measure where it’s at since the bottom’s basically U-shaped. Remember, the center’s the deepest at 5’ and the ends are about 3’. It’s a volleyball pool. If the spa took two hours, I’m sure the main pool will take 20. Maybe more.

I forgot to see if I could read what Melanie’s last name is. Maybe when she’s turned to writing in my file at her counter, behind the head of the chair we patients sit in, I can glance at it without giving myself away.

Later…

The water’s almost up to the bottom step, but there’s still a long way to go.

It’s fucking freezing out there! Is this winter ever going to end? It just seems like that hot weather is never gonna get here! It’s April, yet we still need heat at night. After that one time a couple of weeks ago, summer started to pop through and we needed the cooler on, it’s been shitty. It’s OK during the daytime, but at night it’s bone-chilling cold!

Later…

I forgot to say that Marla emailed me saying that it’d be a bad move for Andy to go back east and that he hasn’t called her cuz he knows she’ll try to talk him out of going. I told her that I agree it’d be a bad move and I don’t think love is meant to be for him no matter where he lives, so he ought to just stick around and enjoy the nicer weather. I haven’t tried to influence him one way or the other, though, cuz it’s his life and this decision has to be his.

Later…

I haven’t even been up two hours yet, yet I’ve heard at least 5 stereos so far. Like I said, it’s horrendous now. Not a day goes by that you don’t hear several.

I was wrong but should’ve known better about the freeloader. The freeloader was there last night. I saw it leave this morning. So maybe it took some of its stuff that would be more obvious to the city. However, that wouldn’t stop him from physically being there when he normally is. The city comes in the daytime when he’s working. The bottom line is that they’re not moving, and I have mixed emotions about that.

Tom didn’t leave me a message as to what time to wake him up. He has to leave at 1:30, but I’ll shoot for 11:30 and not bother leaving time for sex. First off, I’m not in the mood. Secondly, I know he’ll be scared to screw around at this time, so we won’t.

Later…

Haven’t heard any slamming. Is there a freeloading cock over there tonight?

Hopefully, the guard dogs and old man’s dog will settle down for the night. It was kind of nice today, so as the weather finally warms up, the barking will extend into the night. Last summer wasn’t bad at night as far as barking from these dogs go, cuz I had the freeloader’s dog to listen to. However, if the freeloaders don’t get another dog in June, then these dogs will compensate and will bark more.

Mom called and we talked. She told me about some stuff she’s sending, which I’ll get into once I get it. Unfortunately, these packages may come while we’re in CA, so hopefully the freeloaders will keep their paws off of them.

Mom sounded tired, but pretty relaxed and in a good enough mood. I teased her about playing with the mice when she comes to visit, she said that was a nice compliment when I said nobody decorates as nicely as she does. Dad was out playing bingo.

At first I was guarding the kittens against mama bitch when they ate and was just keeping her away from the food, but now I’m chasing away White Paws, too. The only cat I like is Blackie. She’s the friendliest, but her brother’s a little prick. A good 99% of the obnoxious nighttime noise with the banging on the walls, windows, and doors, is compliments of White Paws.

Later…

It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a freeloader! Yeah, I’m pretty sure I heard it about a half-hour ago. The last couple of days, it’s been shutting doors quieter at night, but slamming the shit out of them in the morning when it leaves. I could hear it both over the sound machine and the fan and if it wakes me up – well – need I say any more?

Later…

What, did Andy use this I’m-going-back-east BS as an excuse to bug me? Now he wants me to put through a call to David. If he can restrain himself from the pot, why can’t he restrain himself from long-distance phone calls? Can’t he use some of the money he’s saving from not getting high on removing his long-distance blocks? Sometimes I really wish he’d go back east! But like I said, it’s not gonna happen.

The water’s finally just covering the bottom step. It took forever for the water to go from right at the step’s edge, to covering the step. Of course, it won’t fucking rain now that we’re filling up the pool and help it fill up faster! If we weren’t ready to fill it up, it’d rain. It’s like needing to borrow money when no one has it to lend to you, but then when you have money, people offer you a loan.

I took a dump yesterday and dropped back to 124, and I was hoping I could do that again today, but it doesn’t look like I will. What is it with this shitting every other day? For a while there, I went every day and was only stuck once a week.

Later…

I forgot to mention, Tom’s always been rather manipulative when it comes to getting his way in bed. Not only will he make excuses to cover his fears, but he tends to take advantage of certain things. He knows how I feel about talk. He knows that to me, actions speak louder than words. So what I’m saying is, I know another reason he’s stalled on making a doctor’s appointment, isn’t just out of fear. He’s doing it with the hopes that I’ll say, “Well, if he’s stalling, then he can’t want to take the steps towards having a child all that bad, therefore, neither do I.”

Again, no problem. I just don’t want it anymore. I don’t need it, I don’t want it, and I’m not gonna go through what Larry and Tammy did/do, etc. It doesn’t matter anymore where we are or what I can handle, it’s all a matter of protecting myself from a life of hell. I’ve had a life of hell in the past and I’ll be damned if I let it go to hell in the future. I’m not giving up my freedom or my life just so I can sit and have new things to suffer for. So, Tom doesn’t have to worry about doctors. Besides, God’s on my side as far as a kid goes (I never thought we’d be on the same side about anything)! And Tom would just manipulate things. He just wouldn’t be “able” to do the things they’d recommend. They treat couples as one when it comes to fertility programs, so when he refused to cum for them, which would be required, he’d just oh so conveniently not be able to do so, and therefore, we’d certainly be out of luck. They couldn’t make him get off, either, if he didn’t want to. So even if I still wanted one, why fight a battle I’d only lose?

Now Andy’s not going back for a year and a half and says he hopes David will wait for him. Right! He’s not going back there and we both know it. Now Andy, leave me alone with the fucking phone for a while!

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 8, 1998
Tom did just what I said he’d do in bed. He not only didn’t want to get off, but he also seemed too scared to really get that into it. Of course, he made excuses and said he’d cum within the next few days. Sure he will! But again, I may have a few days here and there where I’ll miss not having a kid, but things have never been better as far as that goes and I thank God. I’ve always wanted to either not want a child or be OK without one, and I’ve never been this OK with not having one in a long, long time. I just feel absolutely no desire to go to a doctor, even if I could change fate. After what I’ve seen my brother, sister, and a million others go through, I just don’t want the hassles of a child. I meant it when I said I couldn’t handle one, and I value my freedom and time with Tom that much, that it’s OK for me to stay sterile and it’s OK for him to cum rarely.

I also only had a steak, a couple of fiber wafers, popcorn, and some Jell-O, just to have jumped up to 125 pounds. And I’m sick of being stuck every other day, too! Well like I said, I’m back to my old eating habits of just a few bites a day. It’s no problem eating as little as I do, but again, I’ll never be thin again and as frustrating as that can be, I’ve just got to accept it and live with it. A smoker’s heart rate and metabolism can never be that of a non-smoker’s. So, I may not eat much again, but my metabolism will never be fast again. After spending over a decade trying to quit smoking, I sure as hell ain’t gonna sit here and drive myself crazy by trying to lose this weight I can never lose. It’s weird, though, cuz it was always the weight that I could lose, but not the cigarettes. I’d never have thought in a million years that it’d be the other way around. I can keep from smoking, but I can’t lose that weight to save my life! And also like I said, if I lost it, I’d have to deal with something else. God doesn’t reward me for doing a good deed, making an accomplishment, or solving a problem. He just gives me a new problem to deal with. In fact, I’m gonna break for a bite to eat, and I’m gonna enjoy every single bite, too!

Later…

Back from having some pancakes.

I talked with Andy, who says he had nothing to do with those letters. If he said that, then I believe him. So it was the freeloaders. The spelling was so bad in these letters (which I thought Andy did to throw me off since he spells well). They were like Fran bad. I can’t remember specifically (I threw them in the recycle bin and decided not to tell Tom so as not to worry him) but they’d spell something like straight as strate. Come to think of it, illiteracy and freeloaders seem to go hand in hand. These people are the laziest and most uneducated species alive. They don’t learn things, they don’t work for things, they have no goals, etc. All they know/do is violence, drugs, selfishness, and make others miserable. They give a shit about no one but themselves and they’ll step on their own kind, too. They’re just plain mean. They’re angry, hateful, and out to fuck anyone they can. If they have to burn their own families to get their way and to chew someone up and spit them out, they will.

But why the sexual content? I mean, I know sex is everyone’s favorite weapon of choice, so to speak, but I’d have thought that they’d write something threatening to us or threaten the house. Yes, it is best that these sick fucks stay right here till we move, cuz then they just may burn the house down while I’m asleep, and like I said, I’ve got them if we go first. I’d just die to have them gone like yesterday, but no, it’s best that they just stay right where they are and I’m sure they will, too. I’m sure we will go first.

Also, what took them so long to prank mail me back, and how are they so damn sure I’m the one behind the letter and bottle? They’ve got to have a lot more enemies than just me. Most of them do.

Still, it’d be more fun and more interesting if they’d cooked up something more original. What they did was totally old boring, and childish. But they just don’t have the brains to cook up something better than going across the street for sex.

Another question is - they said to be across the street on the 4th, but I didn’t get their notes till the 6th. Are they that stupid that they can’t even figure dates? This thing couldn’t have been in our mailbox slot since the 4th or earlier, cuz we’d have pulled it out with our regular mail sooner. Maybe they put it out Saturday the 4th after we got our mail, and that’s why I didn’t discover it till pulling out Monday’s mail. Stupid, dumb, brainless fucks. Guess maybe they assumed someone would hear something being inserted into the slot. I hope they don’t have brains enough to know that eggs would fit just nicely into the mail slot. I’d rather have them do silly, boring things, rather than get messy. If they get messy, though, I will too.

I’m sure it was a friend of theirs that delivered their notes too, that’d say they were doing a survey or something like that, had one of us seen them.

Now for my good and shocking news. Yes, Andy really is going back east! I really thought it was just talk borne of desperation, but nope, he’s leaving Tuesday morning and plans to be at his parents’ by Sunday. Laura will keep the house. He met this guy (David, not Steven) in 1979 at a gay bar back there and Andy says David’s wanted him for years. Andy said he dumped David over something stupid, but now that he’s so desperate to be loved by someone that will surely love him in return, he’ll deal with the shitty climate. While there’d be no good in living there for me, there is some good in it for Andy. He’ll have the woods and the beach again. David’s been at the same job for years and has a house in Enfield. He has two roommates, though, so maybe he and Andy can get their own place eventually. The first couple of months, he’ll be with his parents at their condo, and at Gary’s house.

I’ll miss my best friend, and I love my best friend, but maybe this is the break he’s been needing. I won’t miss his constant calls, but it’ll be more special when we do talk and it’ll be nice to get mail from him, as rare as that’ll be. I just hope he finds happiness and does get the love he’s been dying for and deserves. He’s been in the same old rut for too long.

Michelle is another one my heart goes out to. He and she have been inseparable and talk every day on the phone like we used to. Oh, what that girl must be feeling! He’s leaving her in the same boat he left me in back in the spring of 1991. Alone and with no one. I had Kim as a friend and a few others I spoke to, but I hardly ever saw Kim or anyone. I had no one, no life, no money. Just a nice apartment, but no life to go with it and that’s how Andy’s been feeling and how Michelle will feel. All I had was a crush on Gloria. All she has is a crush on her boss. My life has changed since coming out here and he’s not leaving me alone this time. She will be left alone, though. So I told Andy to go ahead and give her my number. As long as she knows I’m not a phoneaholic, don’t do bars or pot or go out a lot, she’s welcome to call if she just needs to talk. If she gets lonely or sad, she can call and cry on my shoulder.

He said sex and sex alone with Quinn just won’t cut it anymore. He needs someone he can love and who’ll love him. Well, if there’s anything good about this, it’s that Quinn will be out of his life completely!

He played me messages that Quinn and David left and yup, what a difference in their voices. Quinn’s was dead. Just totally emotionless. But David’s was full of life, compassion, confidence, and happiness.

As for thought vibes, he was telling me that he’d been thinking a lot of David and he said on his machine that he’d been thinking of him, then he found the note Adam left on his door. He said no, Melanie can’t pick up on my thoughts of her. It’s more like people like family and friends. People like my folks, Lisa, Kim. That makes more sense.

Later…

Yup, I know a piece of shit when I smell one. I saw the freeloader leave in the Jeep this morning. So the city’s done working there and he doesn’t have to hide out anymore. And he went from a red car to a Jeep to a maroon car to a gray car to a Jeep again. Meanwhile, we’ve been driving the same old piece of shit, that little shit! Tom, though, feels more comfortable with a junker, cuz then it’s not as appealing to thieves.

Again, the predictable Tom S is stalling and making excuse after excuse to put off making an appointment to get a check-up. Whether doctors make him nervous, or he just plain doesn’t want to go and just doesn’t care is fine, but I may have to be the one to pick out and establish a doctor if there is something wrong with my hormones/metabolism. I don’t know if the erratic periods, being stuck a lot, and lack of metabolism are connected or what, but I know it’s not normal to eat so little just to gain weight. I’m back to not losing weight in my sleep and I have a feeling that if I did starve, I’d still stay the same weight. If I’m right, then that’s a sure sign that something’s wrong, and maybe it’s something I can deal with after all. God will compensate me for it, but that’d be OK. We’ll just have to see what happens during the heat and summer activity in the pool, etc.

Also, again with the predictable God who’s gotta act like there’s some big pregnancy to dodge. I knew he would too, so I guess that imaginary egg’s gonna be in the way sometime tonight or tomorrow, cuz Tom has to go in an hour earlier, he will be tired if we do screw around tonight, and he won’t cum after he just did less than a week ago. He says sex is easier for him if we do it more often, but that’s bull, cuz I see the same cumming schedule either way. But it’s OK. I don’t want to deal with what a child would entail at this time. I just don’t want that as much these days. In a sense, God has answered all my prayers. The ones that didn’t just die off on their own. I always wanted to be OK with not having a kid and now I am. I hardly ever feel bad over it anymore. Besides, if I can’t keep a schedule for myself, I can’t keep one for someone else.

Later…

OK, the piece of shit’s in for the night (cuz it was coming from the carport). It just slammed in so fucking hard that the house shook. It’s like someone slamming a door really hard inside the house.

Maybe not. I just went and checked and thought I saw it leaving in its old gray car. Well, it’ll be back around 9:30. I think I know where it’s going, judging by the door slams. Now, I know it sits and slams its doors in regard to me, but it’s unloading its shit that it slam-packed to go hide out. It’s back now, so it picks up its shit at night after work.

I’ve gone from doing stuff to lose weight, to doing stuff to find out if yes indeed, something’s wrong. When I lost weight years ago, I first had nothing but liquids for about 3 days. Then I continued on with eating whatever whenever and lost the weight. This won’t happen if I liquidate myself, cuz I’m not 19 and still smoking. However, if I don’t lose at least 5 pounds from doing this, as hard as it’ll be, then something’s wrong for sure. Then I’ll know if it’s worth making a doctor’s appointment over.

TUESDAY, APRIL 7, 1998
It’s back. I didn’t see it, but I heard it, and it’s what my senses tell me. I’ve been hearing spurts of banging from the carport. As in, the city’s done doing their thing, it’s safe for him to be back, and he’s letting me know it. I said he’d slam back in, didn’t I? I’ll still have Tom double-check and see if there’s a vehicle there when he leaves for work, but my ” freeloader senses” have always been keen and accurate.

Later…

Andy and the goddamn phone! No wonder he’s so bored. All he does is the phone when he’s not working, and he’s been on the phone for hours.

I just heard a car engine start up next door, so maybe the door slamming spurts weren’t him unloading shit but packing shit. It’s unusual for him to be going out at this time, so we’ll see. There wasn’t any music, which tells me he may be around for a while. Lately, it’s when he’s taking off, that he tends to play it louder, but as I said, we’ll see if Tom sees a car there at 1:30 when he leaves.

Back to Andy. Marla emailed me after I told her he lost his job due to a few gay guys taking him the wrong way and she said, “He told me not to worry about it, but that he was flirting with everyone gay or straight. When’s he gonna learn? Customers expect service and I know that when I’m at a restaurant, I tip on good service, not personality.” I told her I totally agree with her.

Andy also says he’s waiting for Steve, back east, to contact him. He doesn’t have a phone, so he had Adam put a note on his door. Andy says that if he’s single, he’ll be leaving this state and that I can laugh at him for having to deal with the cold, but he needs love. Well, I know that if I had to choose between being alone out here with Tom or being with him back east, I’d take him back east, as much as I hate it there. I’m still 100% sure he won’t go back there, but either way, I just want him to be happy and follow his heart, no matter what the state. A part of me still wishes he would go back there. That way we can do letters instead of phones, but I know he’ll only write once a year.

Got a Bob letter and the pictures in the mail today that we sent out with Tom and I with the mice. Also, there were pictures of Tweety, the cats, this pig, and the last one, and the rabbit eating pellets with a few pigeons.

I forgot to mention that Tom came on Sunday. Right on schedule too, when it’s too early for a real woman. Now, you know there’s no way in hell he’ll come on time, cuz he won’t cum a few days after he just did. I still say I know Tom S to a tee and what’s in his subconscious, so I guarantee you, I promise you, he will not cum tonight. No way will he. I’m as sure as I am sure that I looked fat and shitty in those pictures. My face, man! It looks like someone blew my cheeks out with an air pump.

Later…

I think the freeloader’s back. At least I’m pretty sure he is, even if that wasn’t much of a door slam just now. I can smell him. I just know a freeloader when I sense one of those things. So the city’s done doing their thing and it was just wishful thinking for me to think his absence could have anything to do with the letter. Like I said, I knew he’d be around for a while, and would be around for at least 5 more months.

MONDAY, APRIL 6, 1998
Yup, that freeloader’s just hiding out. There’s a city van over there that’s obviously working inside the house, where traces of a man could be seen since I don’t hear anything from outside the house. So, like I said, as soon as they’ve done their thing and gone, back comes the freeloaders.

Today I see Melanie! Can’t wait for these eyes to see such a gorgeous face peering over her. And she has nice hair and is tall and seems to have a nice body, too.

Here’s a first - I threw my schedule from nights to days in one day. I took a two-hour nap yesterday afternoon and then was up till 10 PM. I ended up sleeping 10 hours and got up at 8 AM. I was exhausted, but this is something I could never do before. I either couldn’t take naps or if I could, it’d fuck my schedule up further. I had to cheat a bit by taking Benadryl.

OK, just now I heard some outside noise. I hope they’re not putting up a gate to enclose their backyard. Cuz if the reason they ditched the dog had anything to do with how the yard wasn’t enclosed and with how they had to keep it on a leash and it’d break free, this isn’t good. Now they can retain a dog leash-free, and not have to worry about it escaping. Tom said it’s unlikely they’d get another dog, but I still think they may when summer sets in.

Anyway, today I’ll mention that pen pal thing to Melanie if I have the guts to and if there’s time. You don’t really talk much at a dentist’s office what with them poking around in your mouth. I can’t picture her with a computer, or as a member of AOL, but you never know, and you never know if her husband may not be. Computers are getting more and more common and half the households have them. If she does have AOL or something like that, I doubt she’d agree to pen pal with me. After all, I am her patient. Not a friend. I just wish I could know that she likes me, too. God answered my prayers to let me be able to get to the appointment, and if only I could know he answered my prayers to be liked back by her!

Later…

The city people just left. Are they done doing whatever they were doing? Well, if they are, I’ll know it, cuz he’ll come slamming in. We didn’t hear anything from over there yesterday. Not even a ball game. So maybe that white car that pulled in unusually early for it being Saturday took her away for the weekend. Maybe no one can be in the house during whatever it is they’re doing, but why leave all weekend, too? We’ll just have to wait and see, but my vibes say no one’s moved out of there and no one will for quite a while.

Later…

I take that back. Now that I think of it, I think I did hear sounds from over there yesterday. The kid whining and someone bopping around the carport, moving or sliding something around.

Later…

Back from the appointment, which I’ll update on in a sec. Tom’s out trimming the hedges that are out front. Now I can spy on the freeloaders more easily and see who’s playing ball. I can’t always see who it is if the ball doesn’t go out of bounds and if the person’s really short.

When I pulled out two sheets of paper within our mail, I wondered what took the freeloaders so long to prank mail me back, but the more I studied the handwriting, the more I’m sure it’s Andy. One sheet said it was for the “lady of the house” and the other was for the “man of the house.” Each had a sexually suggestive paragraph telling us to go across the street last night at 5 PM. One said to go to the music people’s house (the one that had the band) and the other said to go to the cop’s house. So Andy drove by and read the numbers off the curb in front of those houses. Another thing that tells me it’s Andy and not the freeloaders is how they mentioned loving Tom’s blue eyes. How would they know they were blue unless they’ve seen them up close? But then they are more like hazel.

Then again, the freeloader did see him up close when he tried to get him to shut up, and this is a little out of character for Andy.

I was in and out of Melanie’s in just a flash. She said I had a loose bracket, then redid all the colors (all pink) that are in between the bracket and anchor.

Melie looked great. Her hair was down with the sides pulled back. It’s a wee bit too curly and frizzy, but it’s nice. It’s a perm, though. It’s to the middle of her back. She also seems a bit tan, too. She seemed more serious and didn’t seem as friendly and as talkative as she was the last time I saw her. She asked how I was, but that was pretty much it. She’s nowhere near as friendly and as talkative as Charlene is (the one that cleans my teeth), but you know how those good-looking ones can be.

I didn’t have the guts to mention the pen pal idea and figured something like that wasn’t meant to be, anyway. I won’t see her again for 4 weeks.

Later…

Tom said the bitch came in about an hour ago in some big gray car, but meanwhile, the cock just came in at a somewhat unreasonable volume. No door slams, though, since he had the music on. He’s back to a Jeep now. He just pulled in, ran into the house, ran back out, then left. We’ll see if he comes back tonight, but if I hear that music like that much more often, I’m gonna nail his ass to the ground. My guess is that he’s not staying there just yet, cuz he seems to only play his music when he’s leaving to let me know it. He’s certainly not gonna can the music if he’s just visiting or running in to get something.

Later…

I spoke to my folks earlier, but only for a few minutes. They were in the process of moving. She says she’ll be sending another box out to us within a couple of weeks. There’ll be more towels. She says some of them are brand new and have never been used. Then what’s she sending them to us for? I never asked, but oh well.

Later…

I just heard a kid, but only for a second, out back in the freeloader’s yard. Again, it sounded too old to be the girl and much too young to be the boy, so I don’t know who it was. I just hope it wasn’t to set up for a dog and I also hope the cock wasn’t driving a Jeep to transport a rather large dog in. Well, I don’t sense a dog in the near future, thank God! And he is a car dealer, after all. I don’t know this for sure, but it seems rather likely.

Later…

Why is their little animal child out playing on a dark, cool evening? Amazingly, I can’t hear it in the house, so maybe it’s two yards down, or maybe the sound’s coming through an open door/window. But their living room lights aren’t on, strangely enough. I only saw their back porch light on. Well, if it’s theirs, as I think it is, it’s not playing with a dog, cuz I’d have heard so by now if that were the case.

The dick ain’t there, as far as I know, and although I doubt he’ll be in later due to the music and due to the way he ran in and out in 60 seconds, he still could pop in any time.

SUNDAY, APRIL 5, 1998
We screwed yesterday, which was a fun and pleasant surprise since I didn’t think we would. Naturally, he didn’t cum and a little bit of me was surprised he didn’t. He’s due to again, and also, it’s safe, if you catch my drift (he’s not totally convinced I’m sterile). He also believes I’ll call the doctor, go through the testing, and be fixable, and handle motherhood. It’s nice to know he believes I’ll do, succeed, and survive.

Yesterday I also changed his colors and decorated his world for him. I did it mostly in blues.

As usual, my allergies are going off. Again, as long as I have the mice and don’t smoke, I’ll just have to live with it. And with being fat, too. If I lost weight and dropped the allergies, there’d just be something else. Maybe I’d get more headaches, or maybe I’d get more colds myself.

Tom finished the pool yesterday. The second coat looks great. The only glitch in it is the areas he filled in where the plaster was chipped. It’s kind of bumpy. Even so, it looks a million times better than it did.

He also got a “real” paper cutter. Great, cuz the little one we had was a real piece of shit. He got a really cool idea for making journal covers, but I’ll get into it once I’ve done it.

I tried calling Dad yesterday, but he was at the store, so I left him a happy birthday message.

Tom and I also scanned and attached to my email to them that picture that may be Papa Joe, but Dad said he couldn’t bring it up. Well, I got this message after Tom crashed, so I’ll ask him what advice I should give them when he gets up.

I beat the clock again and wasn’t woken up by any stereos. Going to bed during the daytime, weekend or not, will always be stressful. First I had to worry about the freeloader, but now I have to worry about the whole fucking city. Also, for the second time in a row, I woke up after that dreaded 4th hour and couldn’t go back to sleep for a while. And without Benadryl, I would never have fallen back asleep. This is OK, though, cuz it just extended my sleep. Yesterday I got up for good at 8 PM and this time at midnight. I should be set for my appointment with Melanie. Can’t wait!

He told me he hasn’t seen anyone next door and felt that maybe they were gone. As in moved. Nope, I told him. I’d have vibed that for damn sure and later saw a white car (not the big one that’s played its music obnoxiously loud) come to pick them up. They were quiet, though, all I heard was a kid whining and some adult voices (female). They didn’t slam doors much and there was no music.

Now get this - as Tom was pulling out, he saw a little girl come out of the house where the guard dogs are and start shooting baskets. Why? I wonder. They have their own hoop. Tom said he thinks it’s cuz theirs is in back and she wanted to use one with concrete under it. If she wanted to use one with concrete under it, why not ask for their own hoop to be pulled up front on their driveway? Theirs is movable, unlike the freeloaders. I think it goes more like this - the bitch had a talk about me with the people there, and together, they coaxed this kid to play ball for me. Possibly to try to bait me into doing something that could allow them to take legal action against me, as well as to bother me (but I slept right through the game this time).

Anyway, here’s what I say happened as far as the freeloaders go. They came to do some work around their house, and since he’s not supposed to be there, he took off for a while. So, if they’re all done doing whatever it was that they were doing around there, which I wish could be regular unannounced inspections to make sure he’s not in the picture, he’ll be back if he’s not back already.

Later…

God, I am so sick of this old house! The toilet handle jams, every door is coming off its hinge, and the faucets squeak, leak, and are hard to maneuver. I can’t wait until we move and have a newer place. I mean, I know that place will get old and need work too, but in the meantime, I’ll enjoy the break from everything being so old and fucked up.

Later…

I just got really hungry, so I had a beef patty. I’m eating as little as possible so I can maintain my weight. I just can’t starve in order to lose weight. I need to eat to live. But if I eat only when I’m really hungry, maybe I won’t go up any higher. It seems that after I peaked at 128 pounds, I hung at the 122-124 I have been for quite a while. So, if I’ve been where I am for as long as I have, I guess I’m gonna stay here. But there’s just no way, both due to my age and due to my not smoking, that I’ll ever be 100 pounds again. I’d have to starve, but I’d be dead way before I hit 100. If I started smoking right now, which increases the heart rate and metabolism, maybe I could get down to around 115, but not much lower. And since I don’t intend to start smoking again, I know I’ll never get below 120. Maybe, just maybe I could force my way down to 115, but I couldn’t hold it. It’d just soar back up to the mid-120s in no time at all. So, right now I’m dealing with getting my mind to accept the fact that my thin days truly are over and that I’ll always be at least 120 pounds, no matter what. I’ll just have to live with it and accept my body for how it is, be it cuz I’m short, cuz I’m fat, cuz of my ear, my sterility, my teeth, etc. There’s only so much we can do to change our bodies. I did manage to lose 4-6 pounds and that’s better than none, seeing that I was 128 and am now usually 122-124. I knew I’d be in the 120s when this began. I “saw” it. I don’t sense or see me getting into the 130s so that’s good. I’m pretty sure I’ll stay right where I am indefinitely.

Later…

I am so pissed off! It’s only 9:15 in the morning, I’ve only been up for 9 hours, and I am soooooo tired. Trying to stay up till 5:00, 8 more hours, seems impossible. I’ll go grab a bite to eat and see if that perks me up. I had some coffee with caffeine, too.

SATURDAY, APRIL 4, 1998
I just spent a good 3 hours doing dishes, laundry, vacuuming, dusting, and cleaning the bathroom, on top of changing the mice to help curb my anger/frustration/anxieties over the desperate, neglected, sick, rude, selfish, cruel, lonely, hear-me, notice-me, pay-attention-to-me society we live in.

By Andy’s own admission, he’s never been a happy person. I wonder if I could ever disagree on that one. It seems that the bulk of my life has been unhappy and filled with both one problem after another, as well as ongoing problems that have stayed with me for years. Life really sucks. There is some good in it, but for the most part, life sucks. There’s always a problem no matter where I go and if we ever can live in peace, it won’t be forever. Sooner or later, this fucking sick society will find me and follow me there. And I’m having more and more days (thank God, since I don’t have a choice) where I don’t know if I want a kid all that bad anymore. Having a kid would defeat the purpose of our moving, wouldn’t it? We can have a bigger, more modern house with or without a kid, but we can’t live in peace with one.

Tom said he didn’t see a car next door last night. No wonder I didn’t hear any door slams. Well, when he returns, he’ll let me know it. I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s over there now. It is the weekend. But if not, he’ll be back soon enough. If he isn’t there over the weekend, I’ll still have to worry about his and the bitch’s mutually sick friends.

If it were a matter of snapping my fingers and being dead instantly, I’d have done so a long time ago. But if it were that easy now, I would if it weren’t for Tom and Lisa. I made promises to them, but I couldn’t care less as far as anyone else’s concerned.

Later…

Today’s my 6th month anniversary of not smoking, aside from those few I had.

Tom got me some cream that’s specially made for vaginal irritation. So now I can clear that up and then God can do something else to hinder a good, normal, healthy sex life.

Gonna go do some reading, although now I’m getting a bit bored with these true crime stories. That’s cuz I know what’s gonna happen. I know a crime was committed and what the crime was, and that someone either pays for it or gets off scot-free.

FRIDAY, APRIL 3, 1998
I changed my colors around again on the computer and made it look really beautiful. I also put on one of my sound schemes again.

Dad told me that they were married in a banquet hall in West Springfield. I always wondered where that picture was taken. Also, Papa Joe died at age 57 in 1963.

Yesterday I stood up for 21 goddamn hours just to sleep 8 hours and get up just 4 hours later than I did the day before. I’m never gonna make it to see Melanie. Cuz I had been up so long, I thought I’d sleep closer to 10 hours and sleep 6-8 hours later than the day before.

Tom said that if the freeloader’s car was there last night, it was parked too deep to be seen. I didn’t hear any car doors over there since I got up at 5 PM myself, and the city van came again yesterday afternoon. Tom said he’s getting curious. I don’t know what’s going on. I’m vibeless, but I’ve also got a confusing mix of vibes, too. I just can’t see them leaving. I can’t believe my troubles with them are over. Meaning, that I’ll never have to worry about his music again (unless the new people do the same thing).

I talked to Andy, and as I knew, he isn’t going back east. He’s having a rough time now with the pot cravings. Hopefully, he’ll pull through.

Tomorrow I’m gonna change the mice’s cages, dust, vacuum, and clean the bathroom, but tonight I’m gonna be lazy. Gonna read, write, and listen to music.

I woke up at 122 and let myself eat a little more today than just a few bites. Sure enough, I’m right back up to the usual 124. Again, my metabolism is so slow and I practically have to not eat at all to lose weight, but that’s not gonna happen. I’m gonna be between 120-125 for a long long time.

Later…

I forgot to mention these really cool pictures my folks sent that were the height of your average picture, but much wider. They were mostly scenic shots and they were about 3 times wider than your average picture.

Also, we screwed yesterday, and this time he quit on me due to one of his more common excuses - his heart was beating too wildly. Well, that is true as I could feel it. Still - just another problem/excuse. He mentioned taking vitamin E cuz it’s supposed to up your sex drive. Well, if his wife were more attractive and better in bed, and if he weren’t afraid of having a kid, then maybe he wouldn’t need any help. On the other hand, my drive’s gotten lower and it’s got nothing to do with him. At least I don’t think it does. If it’s got to do with him at all, it’s cuz I feel that he’s not all that turned on during sex and I just don’t know if he’s gonna quit on me, play games, or what. Of course, I still have that irritation down around the opening, too. Guess I was quite dry one day during sex and got rubbed raw and it never completely healed.

At this point in our relationship, and I don’t know how I could be so blind to not see this from day one, I believe he’s telling the truth when he says he wants a kid. And I believe he believes himself. It’s not his conscious that fears either proving me right about the sterility then having to deal with that or dealing with if I did conceive and have a child, it’s his subconscious that fears these things. He doesn’t know it, but he doesn’t want a child. He doesn’t want to have to deal with testing and all that, and he doesn’t want to deal with a kid. Why is he scared? Well, I think his reasons are similar to mine. I think he fears my ability to handle it, although he consciously tells me I’d be a good mom. I think he does consider the financial part of it, the time it’d take up, and things like that. Even he said when we first met that he knew he could handle a child, but wasn’t sure if he wanted the responsibility. Well, I think he doesn’t want to be bothered with what a kid would entail, and I think he doubts me as a mom. He just doesn’t know how much he fears these things. So, in a sense, he never did lie to me about this, but I think he has deliberately, knowingly, and intentionally played games with me and my head at times both in bed and pertaining to a kid. Not as much lately, cuz me and fate aren’t giving him much of a chance these days with the infrequent sex we have, my irritation, and other problems. If we keep the sex to once every week or two, it lessens any trouble.

Later…

Well, I slept till around the time I had hoped to and had had plenty of sleep, but destiny’s begun. It’s just like in my vision. God’s begun his compensating me for being able to sleep pretty well for the last few years. And as I said, he certainly wasn’t gonna make me pay for that by way of a child waking me up. Nope, it’s the fucking stereos. Society’s mounting desperateness really scares, saddens, and depresses me. What has this world come to with its neglected people so desperate to reach out for anyone’s attention/acknowledgment?

Tomorrow we’re gonna extend one speaker into my room. Not that this will necessarily work, but I’ve got to try if I don’t want to be woken up 1-4 times a week from here on out. And that will be the case, too, just like in my vibes and just like I wrote about. I said it would happen. It’s just like the NHA all over again. It just comes in spurts and it’s not kids. Tom tried to reassure me by telling me that that was incredibly loud and that they don’t usually go by that loud. Yes, they do. There’s this one car that goes by at around 8 AM, then noon, then 8 PM and it is very, very loud.

I told Tom that unless we join in with these sick fucks, we’ll be on the run from society all our lives. It’ll get to the point where people’s stereos from many many miles away will penetrate through to us across the acres and through the best soundproofing stuff money can buy. He insists that’s not true, though, cuz we can build our own house. Therefore, we can put soundproofing stuff in it. He said “soundproof” means just that. Sound cannot pass through at any level. Here, though, brick conducts sound. So, the soundproofing stuff that’s in the windows may help against other sounds, but bass can go right through the brick walls. I still say that 10-15 years from now at the new place, they’ll have caught up to us. They’ll keep breaking through any sound barrier we put up, as this world gets louder and louder and more desperate and more hostile and sicker and crueler. People will find a way to be heard here by flushing their toilets 3 states over. Tom said that was a bit extreme. Is it? Well, I’d have thought it a bit extreme to know years ago that I’d eventually be in a house and that even through loud noise of my own going, I could hear other’s noise real well and even be woken up by it. I’d have told someone that that was a bit extreme.

So, my appointment is hit or miss, no matter what my schedule is.

I have a lot of dishes to go clean now, as well as the mice’s cages, which takes a long time.

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 1, 1998
Let me get the freeloader out of the way first - the last time I saw or heard the car was at 9:30 last night. There was a city van there today and Tom wonders if they’re moving. I don’t know, but I don’t think I’ve heard his car at all today. No ball games, but lots of stereos. I run to check when I hear any to see if it’s the freeloader’s (cuz he won’t slam doors if he’s playing music), but nope.

Got box #5 from my folks and loved most of the pictures they sent. They sent a few household items, but mostly pictures. They act like they’re gonna die soon, though, cuz they sent us their wedding pictures. They were absolutely gorgeous, too. My dad looked a little geeky (he got better looking with age), but mom was so beautiful and so thin! I wish they’d have been here to answer some questions, though, cuz there were some people in the pictures whose faces weren’t familiar to me.

There was also a little picture of a middle-aged man in front of a huge house. It’s a very old picture and must’ve been shot in the 30s or 40s. I asked them who this is. Maybe it’s Papa Joe? Jack and Shirley G were my maternal grandparents and Joseph and Bella O were my paternal grandparents. Papa Joe died after Larry and Tammy and before me, and then Nana remarried a guy named Herman G.

I also wondered if they were planning to disown us for a minute there, cuz she sent me back a lot of the pictures Dad took of me in S. Deerfield, and pictures out here both before and after marrying. So, I split those up between Larry, Tammy, Kim, and Bob. She also sent a lot of pictures I already have, as well as a few hideous ones of me, so those I’ll be returning. She said to return any I didn’t want, anyway.

It’s nice to have one of Goldie and Al. I even have some of Boo and Big Mouth Max. Also, the youngest picture I’ve ever seen of my dad as a young boy with Marty. There was a picture of Mom and Ruth with these parrots. This was in a really pretty tropical frame with palm trees. Then there was another pretty floral frame with a picture of Jen from when she was around 10. She’s now 14. There were a few pictures of both Larrys and Jen, but none of Sandy. There were some old pictures of the late 60s and early 70s at the beach. Nana and Pa were in some of them. The pictures were mainly of Tammy’s kids. There’s this one picture I pulled out of Lisa that’s a framed 8x10 of her graduation from middle school and it is absolutely gorgeous! Just gorgeous. You can see the Hispanic in her. I got a kick out of how she said I looked Mexican in one picture of me she’s got. That’s a first. I don’t look Hispanic at all, but if Tom’s right about her seeing me as her role model, then she may see Hispanic in me since she’s part Mexican herself. In this picture, her hair’s longer and it looks so much better. To me, female and feminine go hand in hand, as do female and long hair. Long hair is feminine is female.

Sarah’s hair has also grown out and she looks great.

Tammy, who lightened her hair at one time and looks like Anne Murray, looks awful, and so does Becky. Tom said Becky will be a gorgeous adult then, cuz it’s usually the geekier kids that turn out to be good-looking adults and vice versa.

Later…

I just typed a letter to Marty and Ruth.

Gotta get Tom up in about a half-hour. We’ll be screwing around later.

I have my doubts that I can see that gorgeous Melanie on the 6th. My schedule seems way off for it.

Unless he slammed in while I was listening to music, or didn’t slam his door as hard as usual, he’s not there tonight.

In the household stuff Ma sent, there were some towels. I replaced some of our rattier towels with them, then called and asked Andy if he could use some towels on his machine. He was his usual punctual self with getting back to me by phone and he said he could use them, thanks for thinking of him.

So much for saying I didn’t think the freeloader was there. It just slammed in.

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Last updated June 18, 2024