July 1996 in 1990s

TUESDAY, JULY 30, 1996
Gloria will be performing here in Phoenix tonight. After hearing the lyrics to her song called Destiny, I realized how much we write alike. Especially with lines of hers like, “We live our lives in mystery, while everything is meant to be.” Still, Linda inspired me vocally, while Gloria has inspired me personally.

I have so much to write about, it isn’t funny. I think, though, I’ll wait for a time when Tom’s not here or is asleep. I can concentrate a bit better that way. He’s not gonna be working today or tomorrow which I have mixed emotions about. I mean, I do love to see him and feel we don’t get enough time together, but due to a couple of days ago, which I’ll get into later, I’m wary of being around him for fear I’ll say or do the wrong thing to upset him or that he’ll just suddenly get upset for no apparent reason.

Later…

OK, now that Tom’s headed over to his mom’s house, I can write. He said don’t be surprised if he still calls it his “parents’” house.

No problem. Old habits do die hard and I still think of this computer as his, even though it’s ours.

First of all, today was a great day, so far. Best one we’ve had in a while as far as there not being a million things to do and all that stress hanging over us. We played computer games, then he showed me some things on the computer, then we swam, then we had sex in 3 different positions. He almost came. I could feel he was really close, but like he said, we don’t expect him to cum every time. I don’t even cum every time and he still just went through a heavy-duty ordeal in his life.

I just talked to Jenny, but Sandy and both Larrys weren’t there. I let her know Tom’s dad died and that things have been rough, but that hopefully they’ll simmer down as Tom believes they will.

Jenny says she saves all my envelopes and has a lot of them. Well, that’s nice to know that someone likes my drawings enough to save them.

Piggy’s been squeaking all day and the birds are their usual desperate selves. Tom and I got out of the pool and were standing on the patio when I threw some seeds down. It landed on and around our feet, so the birds were picking out seeds from in between my toes and from under the sides of Tom’s feet, tickling him.

We still haven’t been able to see what pictures or what in the hell you’re supposed to see when you play Gloria’s CD in the CD ROM cuz we have to get a new printer driver, but Tom’s looking to find one from AOL. No luck yet, but he’ll find it.

Tom says that if I ever died, he would follow my request and give Andy typed versions of my journals and keep the written ones and read them and cherish them forever. He said that’d be a big and important piece of me he could hang onto. He also says he’s sure that our kid will read them after I’m gone and I asked him how he felt about the fact that it’d be reading me calling him a liar for over two years. Fine with me, he said.

Got a couple of sympathy cards from my parents and from Andy. That was nice of them and thanks to Tammy, I can count on her to spread any major news around, unless I tell her to keep a lid on it. If we ever told her I was pregnant, would my parents send a congratulation card? No. Of course not. Tom would say it’s their opinion and that’s OK, but deep down I think it’d hurt him. I mean, if they said to me I shouldn’t have a kid cuz they didn’t think I’d be a good mother, that’s telling Tom, in a sense, that he doesn’t have a very good wife and that’s also saying Tom would be a bad father. Would they realize that? Probably not, cuz I doubt they’d care, but I’m not gonna have to worry about that cuz we either won’t be talking to each other or I’d just hang up the phone and not bother listening to any crap they tried to give us. No one’s gonna get in the way of our dreams and spoil a good thing for us (unless God does). We’re adults that can take charge of our own lives, thank you.

Got a nice surprise from Boo and Max. They were at Tammy’s and they sent me a quick hello message. I’m surprised they’d go visit Tammy. I mean, I knew they always got along just fine. It’s just that I didn’t think they’d bother or that Tammy would bother to invite them. Anyway, before I got their message, I thought that it was about time I sent them a letter just to say hi. Them and Goldie & Al.

Now, before I get into yesterday and the day before that, let me get Andy’s Dave story out of the way so I don’t feel like I lied to him about documenting it.

He met him through some friends of his and he says he’s a million times better looking than Quinn who he thinks is gorgeous. So, as far as he and everyone knew, he never mentioned being with a woman and he and other people said there might be a chance he’s gay. So, Andy was so into him after only seeing him once and talking to him about two times, that Andy would literally kick Laura out and let him move in. That’s quite hasty to me, but sure enough, the guy hasn’t returned his calls and Andy’s lost all hope.

Why does God insist Andy be alone forever, just like he insists we be childless forever? Speaking of it, though, I haven’t had that sad, desperate, and angry, damn,-I-can’t-have-a-kid feeling in the longest time since I’ve known Tom, so that’s nice. I guess it’s cuz I know the next step is seeing that I can’t conceive and have already accepted that. I feel more relaxed than I have since being with him since our sex lives were straightened out. It really takes a lot of the stress and the feeling of not being normal or good enough off of me, but I just hope he cums more often than not. We’re at a time now, where we’ll be finding out just how often he cums. Bob asked me about a kid and as far as that goes I told him the truth, we want that, he believes it’s gonna happen, but I doubt it cuz I don’t always believe in miracles.

Anyway, the day before yesterday sucked. Tom was fine one minute and the next I saw him sitting in his chair in the living room, asked what was wrong, and said to leave him alone, so I did. All the while, though, I was asking myself, what did I do? What did I say? He was so contradicting that day and he really hurt me and pissed me off. Of course, he said I did the same thing to him. I told him that I later tried to find out what was wrong cuz I’m his wife and cuz I care about him and want to know what’s eating at him. He said that couples aren’t entitled to tell their spouses everything 24 hours a day what they do or think. He said if I can’t find out what’s wrong with him without fighting with him, then wait till I can. Why do we have to fight for me to find out what’s wrong with him? He also said that I should think about how I take things and be more tolerant of his faults. Well, we can be more tolerant of our faults, but I think we should still work on our faults. He said that when someone has to deal with something, the other should just let them deal with it however they need to and just accept that the other person might get hurt and angry. I don’t totally agree with that. Yes, one should deal with their emotions in their own way, but not hurt others while they’re doing it. That’s not right or fair. He told me that if I cut myself, that’d be hurting him. So, it’s OK for him to hurt me if he has to in order to deal with something, but I can’t? He says I have, though, and I know I’ve said some mean and unfair things during moments where I’ve had my emotional lows, but I’m sorry for hurting him and I intend to keep working on that and make sure I don’t let history repeat itself. He, though, feels he did nothing wrong and that it’s OK to hurt your loved ones if you have an emotional low.

He also says he tries to be as blunt as he can be and doesn’t do innuendoes. Yes, I know he tries to be and I do too.

I still have my fears of having a kid, like most of us do. It is something I still want, but the usual fears are there as far as money goes and our time and privacy together and its effects on the marriage. Are we gonna be able to juggle the relationship between us and the one with the kid? Can we mix the two, and will adding a third party to the picture really work?

I heard a scary story on a talk show, but Tom said it didn’t scare him. I’m glad one of us didn’t get scared by it. This guy abused his daughter and he said he knew it sounded too easy to blame his parents for it. He said his dad used to beat him and he hated him and he swore he’d never be like him, but he was.

Now, I’ll get into yesterday’s events. We went to Mom’s and Mary and Dave were there along with Carol and Steven. Then we went and picked up Cindy, our 34-year-old niece (it’s weird having a niece who’s 4 years older). Then we went to the cemetery which is out in the middle of nowhere. It’s a huge flat cemetery with mountains off in the distance. It was very pretty and well-kept, though. We gathered under a little gazebo-like thing where there were about 20 people. I think I’ve met pretty much all of the family now. I finally met Evelyn, Opal, and Lucy. Opal and Lucy are mom’s sisters.

Then they brought the coffin out of the hearse and placed it in front of us and the Priest or Pastor or whoever did a speech. Then we left. I thought we were gonna then go to a different part of the cemetery and stand by as he was put in the ground, but I guess not. They put the coffin back into the hearse and it left too. Tom says it’ll go back to the funeral home, then back there to be buried. It was unlike any other funeral I’ve ever been to and I’ve been to 4; Pa’s uncle, then 3 of my grandparents’.

I talked to Tammy a little while ago, who said Boo & Max always keep in touch. I guess they really do like her better, as they said in their message to me, cuz they never keep in touch with me. My dad and everyone like to remind me of how much they like others better than me. And although they mean it in a teasing way, there is more than a grain of truth to that. I’ve only had contact with Boo & Max twice since being out here. That time I called them in ‘92 shortly after I arrived here when they sent me money to help me out and then when they sent a wedding card with $50 in ‘94. I’ve sent them 2 or 3 letters since I’ve been here.

SUNDAY, JULY 28, 1996
Tom did pick up Gloria’s new CD. It sucks so far, but there’s one song called Reach that seems OK. Something I can sing cuz it’s in my range and my style.

He also picked up an additional surprise. A screensaver with clips from a video of hers. It’s from one of my least favorite videos, though, but I guess you can add others to it if you want. It’s pretty cool, though, with about 6 different options as to how you can display it. It’s got ways to bounce one frame/square, then it has trailing frames and the one I like is the wall video (which looks like a bunch of TV screens) where several frames of the same thing keep changing to different things. There are about 30 different things that the frames show and the whole thing is about 30 seconds, then it keeps repeating itself.

I also got a Bob letter yesterday in which he says he has a 41-year-old daughter and a granddaughter.

What?! Since when? I asked him. Is this something he recently found out? Or did he always know? If he always knew, why didn’t he ever tell me? Did he tell Kim? I asked her if she knew anything about it in my letter to her. If he knew he always had a kid, then who was the mother and why didn’t he ever see her? Also, I thought he said he was sterile. He told me that doctors have told him he’d have a one-in-a-million chance to impregnate a woman.

He also told me that he was contacted by his ex-sister-in-law about meeting them when Sandy died, but he said no cuz Kim wouldn’t go with him.

Now that’s low!

I still don’t see how he could have the strength to rape anyone or if it could’ve ever been his cup of tea, but now I’m wondering. All child molesters or rapists have kids.

Instead of waiting for a letter from Minnie to which to reply, I’m sending her a letter. I think I’ll also be sending Goldie & Al and Boo & Max letters, too with artwork on the envelopes.

Gloria’s gonna be singing for the closing ceremonies of the Olympics on August 4th. According to an article on her, she’s getting more and more gay fans due to using those drag queens to do a video for her when she was pregnant. I knew she wasn’t prejudiced. I could just tell.

Tom fixed Evelyn’s cooler yesterday, so that’s where he got part of the money for the Gloria stuff. He’s now still asleep. He said not to wake him unless I need him. He definitely is overdue to sleep till he wakes up on his own and not by the alarm.

Last night he told me to take care of my lungs, cuz I’ve been too wheezy to do things when I get up, when he’s here, and at the end of my day when he’s here. In other words, I guess he was hoping for sex last night. I didn’t think he would be due to the long stressful day, but then again, he does prefer it before bed, regardless of what he says. Once again, though, the thought of him getting off regularly still seems unreal. Perhaps that’s cuz we haven’t had hardly any time to screw, what with all that’s been going on. Therefore, I haven’t been able to see how rare or how common his cumming would be.

Got messages from Tammy and the girls at AOL, so that’s nice. I was wondering if the girls would ever send me messages. They were to Tom, too.

I have a vibe. I guess it’s a vibe anyway. Or a feeling. I don’t know, but there’s something about next April 26th that’s been ringing in my head for about a month now. Well, there’s no use wondering too much about it now since it’s still quite a ways away.

I wonder if Tom will want sex after he gets up. I doubt it. Too early, but I can never know for sure. I just hope to hell that whenever we do, things are still normal enough about it and that God gives us a break for a change. I think we deserve it after all we’ve been through!

SATURDAY, JULY 27, 1996
Oh, great. Just lovely. At 1:30 a.m. Eastern time, someone bombed a public park adjacent to the Olympic Village. Everyone feared this, too, but they say the games will continue. There’s so much terrorism going on. There was the Oklahoma bombing, Flight 800, and now this. They say a little over 100 people were injured and 2 are dead.

Tom spent the day helping his mom out. There were lots of people there.

Evelyn gave Tom some paper to give to me. He says he’s not sure if she knows I draw, though. He’s not sure if he ever told her. It’s white, unlined with 3-ring binder holes punched on the sides of them. I used some to print out journal 99. I had stopped printing out journals after 98. It’s good for printing back-to-back, but I don’t know if I’ll return to printing out journals. I’ll probably use the paper for drafts. For drawing, I’d like to use sketchbooks from now on that’s like the one I’ve got. It’s about the size of this journal, which is my average journal size and is a good size for drawing.

Evelyn’s cooler broke, so Tom’s gonna fix that eventually.

See? I told him it’d still be one thing after another, but he still swears things will be settling down and that his mom will be fine.

I told him hey, if I’m wrong about things settling down and about my being pregnant soon, I’ll fully admit I was wrong just as I did when he came. In fact, Tom says there’s a difference, as far as he’s concerned, between something he plans and something he envisions. He says 75% or more of the things he envisions turn out the way he envisioned them and that he envisions me pregnant real soon and says he’d be really surprised if I weren’t pregnant real soon. Well, more power to him!

Tom may get Gloria’s Destiny CD today cuz now he’s anxious to check it out on the computer, just like I am. If I were back in Springfield with my old life, I’d always wonder about it.

I just remembered what I forgot to write about yesterday. Andy’s encounter with a guy named Dave. Andy really likes the idea of me documenting our talks and his life. I promised to write about the stuff he tells me, but I’ll get to the Dave story later.

FRIDAY, JULY 26, 1996
Andy will be calling back sometime soon. He’s very upset now. Problems with Quinn again. He loves him but deals with so much abuse and head games from him. I kind of wish I could go over there and slap that guy silly, but Andy has to do his own dirty work. He can talk to me all he wants, but in the end, it’s between him and Quinn to do whatever it is they’re gonna do.

Tom spent the day at Mom’s and he went to bed after being up for about 21 hours. The funeral will be on Monday at 12:30 p.m. Nothing fancy and just with 20 or so of the immediate family members. Also, there’ll be a memorial service at a church in about a month.

As I figured, Mom and Dad did call, so I had Tom answer it. That was nice of them and they appropriately didn’t bring me up or ask for me and they put aside our differences. Also, they asked for Tom’s mom’s address cuz they’re gonna be sending her a card. I asked Tom if she got a card from a Dureen and Art O if she’d know who the hell they are and Tom said yes, so that’s good.

Tom’s family believes like Tom and I do that Dad will always be watching over those he knew and loved. Before they took his body away they asked Ma if she wanted to be with him for a few moments and Ma said, “No. That’s not my husband. That’s just a dead body. That’s just the body that he used when he was alive.”

Well, Marty and Ruth got my letter today, I’m sure, and I’m sure that they told my folks as soon as they got it, and due to Tom’s dad dying, that’s all the more reason why they didn’t call. I’m glad, though, that they didn’t call as I figured they wouldn’t, cuz that’d really make me feel awkward and put on the spot.

Tammy sent Tom a message too, through my mailbox saying she’s sorry about his dad, but to remember him for the good memories of him and not those of his last months and that she’s here for him. She also said to give her regards to his “intire” family. I think she meant “entire” family. She makes funny typing mistakes. I usually just tell Tom what she has to say when she sends messages to me unless it’s personal, but this time I printed it out for him.

Later…

Tom just got up a little while ago after getting his much-needed sleep.

We had a hell of a storm last night. Therefore, the backyard and pool are a mess. A big wall of dirt blew in, supposedly, but I didn’t see it. There’s dirt all over the patio, along with bird poop, and the pool is a brown/green color. We lost yet another chunk of the old green rafters which are over the patio in the ferocious wind. The birds love it, though. To them, it’s a big jungle gym.

Andy did call back and we spoke for quite a while. He’s really hurt, confused, and in love with Quinn. Quinn is a selfish, mean, spoiled, abusive low-life of a druggie who lies, leads Andy on, and cuts him down like he’s a piece of dirt. A part of me really wishes I could go over to Quinn’s and let him know that he’s fucked with my friend, so that’s fucking with me. Then I’d really like to give him a few bruises. Just enough to scare some sense into him, or at least enough to scare him out of the shit he’s pulling on Andy. We tried to call him so I could give him a piece of my mind and let him know just what I’m all about and what I could personally do to him, but the little fuck didn’t answer.

I told Andy that this is a twisted person who hates his own self and who’s very immature and Andy does know this.

Andy feels very cursed right now and he really hates his life. I feel really bad for him because, in a sense, his life here in Arizona has been just like his life in Massachusetts.

Tom won’t be working again till Tuesday. He’s in the shower now, then he’s gonna make a few phone calls and head on over to his mother’s house to give Mary a break, who stood overnight last night, and to do anything he can do to help.

It seems like it’s been forever since we had sex, due to all that’s been going on. Hopefully, we can have our lives back and our sex lives back soon. It doesn’t matter when we screw since I can’t get pregnant anyway. Besides, he still insists there are about 10 days a woman can conceive and not 3. If Tom really believes we’ll have a child, like he’s been saying, I just realized something. He may want to have the child in this house, which is in his name, and then move if things work out. I realized that he may really be afraid deep down that a kid will ruin our marriage or that I’ll be a bad mother, although he wouldn’t tell me he felt I’d be a lousy wife for as long as he did, what’s to say he isn’t necessarily gonna tell me he really thinks I’d be a lousy mother if he really ever thinks that?

Thank God the storm was last night, cuz I think next door had overnight company. Who knows what kind of noise they would’ve stirred up if the weather had been nice? Anyway, two vehicles just left. I heard about 5 or 6 doors shut and their music was barely audible, so that’s cool.

I amazingly received stuff from Gloria’s fan club yesterday. A newsletter with 4 shitty pictures and an audiocassette of her doing an interview. At the start of the interview, even she admits the fan club has been off to a slow start (yeah, very slow!), But that they’re getting their act together.

Now both Tom and I can’t wait to get her new album called Destiny. It’s supposed to also be for computers with CD ROM and when played there, pictures of her are supposed to appear. I also want Linda’s latest English album, but not either hers or Gloria’s Spanish ones, since they suck from what I’ve heard. I still want to find out what movie that dream song of Linda’s is from and hunt a copy of that down. I also want to request more songs from the 70s station and hope I get lucky enough to have those requests played.

THURSDAY, JULY 25, 1996
I’m not doing too well with not smoking. Yesterday I had 10 in the 19 hours I was up. I’ve only been up for 3 hours so far, but have had 5. Like I told Tom, the only way I could ever quit smoking would be by force. Of course, I’d have constant panic attacks and the cravings would never go away. It’s totally swapping one misery for another. Tom said it’ll be a better misery that won’t last long. I disagree. A good 95% of the time it’s not a better misery, nor will I ever stop constantly wanting to smoke.

I think in the end, the only thing I can do, and the best thing I can do is just wait and see if I can get pregnant in the first place, then just let Tom force me off. I can’t go jumping the gun and worry about the future or this soon-to-be pregnancy that I still believe can never happen and will never happen.

Tom says his dad’s gonna die now to a couple of days from now. The nurse gave him sleeping pills over 24 hours ago and he still hasn’t woken up. They say he’s in the final phase of this kind of cancer and that there’s some name for it too, that Tom forgot. Anyway, he’s expected to never wake up. His lungs are so filled with fluid that they make this horrible gurgling sound when he breathes, which he can barely do.

Tom said he also opened his eyes for a second as he stood over him and his eyes were white and glazed over with the look of death, so he’s pretty much gone.

Later…

Dad’s gone.

Mary called at 3:30 to say that Dad stopped breathing and they called the hospice nurse to confirm things, then the funeral home will come and get him. They had gotten plots for both Mom and Dad in Chandler, but Dad will probably be buried in a VET cemetery in Phoenix cuz he was a World War 2 vet. After Ma goes, of course, she’ll be buried next to him. Phoenix is running out of room for burial plots due to the way Phoenix has grown. I had asked Tom if there’d eventually be no room to bury people on this earth, but he explained to me how land gets re-used. After a couple of hundred years, the bodies and coffins deteriorate.

Tom says he’s glad it’s finally over and I agree. Now he’s not suffering anymore, and the stress will be lifted off everyone. Tom says this is the easy part. Especially since he, like everyone else, knew this was coming. He says it was the part where everyone’s stress and his ongoing suffering were hard.

We both also believe that although his body is dead, he’s not dead. His spirit will always watch over those he knew.

I’ll call Tammy in a little while and let her know.

Later…

I called Tammy and she said tell Tom she’s sorry and that she sends her best.

Andy also called saying the same thing and that all kinds of things have been going on in his life over the last month. He said he understood that now wasn’t the best time to get into it and I promised to call him late tonight.

He knows I do want to hear all about it and that I haven’t forgotten him, but I’m getting pretty beat now. Tom knows to wake me up if he needs me but told me there’s nothing I can really do now. There’s nothing anyone can really do now. It’s over. But it’s not over with his mother. I still firmly believe it’s the beginning of a whole new long and drawn-out process. This is cuz I can’t see how things will be as simple as just setting his mom up with whatever she needs and then she’ll be on her own. I still feel that there are only so many things she’ll need that we can set up for her. Meanwhile, someone’s got to take care of the things that aren’t just a matter of being able to be set up for her. Someone’s got to mow her lawn. Someone’s got to drive her wherever she needs to go until and unless there’s a service that can drive her around, and I know it’s gonna be mainly Tom that’s gonna have to do all this stuff. Except for Tom and Mary, all the other family members don’t do shit unless they’re asked. They don’t just volunteer and Ma hates asking people for favors unless she really has to and I know she’d prefer asking Tom first and Mary second.

I did another fairly decent drawing of a girl. I tried to draw more, but luck ran out.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 24, 1996
I’ve only had 1 cigarette in the last 5 hours and boy, is it miserably hard!! It’s totally swapping one misery for another and smoking is constantly on my mind. I can’t even go 10 minutes without thinking about it. Tom keeps talking as if we’re 100% guaranteed to have a kid and says that when I’m pregnant, I must quit smoking, that’s a must, that’s part of the responsibility of being a mother-to-be, no ifs, ands, or buts. He makes it sound like it’s possible for me to quit. If it were that possible, I’d have quit long ago. Then he says that I have to think about what’s more important to me. It’s not that a kid is less important to me, it’s that he’s asking me to do something I can’t do and that’s impossible for me to do. He once said being able to quit smoking and managing to accomplish quitting is no big thing or big deal. Oh yeah?! If only he knew! If only he knew how awful I feel now.

I have so many mixed feelings right now. One’s saying I should try my hardest to quit now, cuz the sooner the better no matter what happens in life. Two’s saying I should wait to quit if I ever get pregnant, cuz that may give me the most encouragement ever as far as being able to quit goes. I feel the 3rd thing the strongest and that’s saying, I’ll never get pregnant and I know it, so why don’t I just smoke till I die.

Later…

I prayed to God to please give me the strength to say no to any cravings I have for a cigarette, but obviously, he wouldn’t help me, cuz I just smoked my second cigarette in 5 hours. Tom told me that I don’t have a choice whether or not I smoke during pregnancy and I told him that the only way I could quit smoking is by force. I asked him if he’d be willing to refuse to buy cigarettes if I were pregnant and he said yes. Then I asked if he’d be willing to refuse to buy cigarettes after I finish the 7 packs I have (you know, that tough love kind of thing) and he said yes and why don’t I make those 7 packs last 2 weeks.

Again, here are my choices and or opinions.

Quit now.

Quit after I finish what I’ve got.

Quit if I get pregnant.

Come back to earth and remember - I can’t ever get pregnant, so keep on smoking.

TUESDAY, JULY 23, 1996
Tom seemed to wake up in a good mood, but now I don’t know. I was trying to tell him about ants I saw yesterday in the yard, then he bitches about the way I explained the situation and interrupted him.

Well, he ought to practice what he preaches and not interrupt me if he doesn’t want to be interrupted himself.

I went and typed a description of all my journal covers at the start of each journal I typed. Of course, this is omitting any letter journals I never typed up.

I also taped a few new songs off of KHITS. I’d like to call them to request a few songs, but what’s the point? They’ll never play them.

My thighs are very stiff and sore today, but I can’t figure out why. What did I do yesterday to cause them to be sore? Nothing that I can think of.

I began typing this book up, but of course, I won’t add it to its group till it’s finished.

MONDAY, JULY 22, 1996
Tom’s spending the night at his parents’ house. He called a couple of hours ago and it sure was a trip down Memory Lane for us to when we first met.

I just tried calling Andy, but he’s on the phone.

Tom still thinks I’ll have 1 or 2 more periods before I get pregnant. We’ll see.

Got an AOL message from Tammy. She and her family still plan on leaving for Florida on August 4th, leaving on her birthday, and returning the next day on the 17th.

Otherwise, not much else has happened since I last wrote. Robin was right again about next door. No parties. Now let’s just see her and Tom be right about you know what.

I’m so envious of these women’s bodies who do gymnastics. I wish I looked like they do. I just cannot stick to any form of exercise to save my life, but I can’t make anyone force me to do so. I certainly can’t discipline myself, either.

Later…

Tom just called again and said he may call again, but no guarantees. I was asking him if he was getting used to sleeping in spurts since according to him, that’s what we’ll both be doing in about a year if all goes well. He said we’ll manage, cuz we make a good team. I told him the worst that could happen is that I’ll die, but at least I’d know the kid would be left with a great dad.

Due to my fear of spiders, I’ll have to remember to put my mail out when it’s light.

I hope I hear from Anna & Harry again.

I left Andy a message, who was on the phone when I called.

Tom picked up a pen for himself today and two more of these kinds (Precise) for me in black and blue. I was gonna use the blue pen after this one dies, but I don’t know cuz it bleeds through. I may use a Bic blue pen.

I wish Precise made pink pens.

Lately, we go broke between paydays (probably cuz of his damn parents), but due to getting that $100 at Evelyn’s, we’re doing fine.

My movie will be done taping in a half-hour. So, for now, I’ll go play computer games or read or whatever.

Later…

Tom and Andy haven’t called back and I watched the movie. Just another typical and predictable horror movie.

I wonder sometimes if we could’ve had a kid, would she or he ever have gotten a hold of these journals after I was gone? And if so, would she or he ever read these? I doubt it. I doubt anyone would really care to read someone else’s journals. Maybe skim through them, though. If I died right now, the only person I can see maybe reading them would be Andy. I doubt Tom would find these interesting at all. Andy and I speak more of the same language, therefore, Tom would probably be bored stiff reading these, if he even had the time.

Later…

Tom just called for the third time and probably the last time.

He disagrees with what I said about not thinking others would want to read others’ journals and about him being bored stiff if he read these. He also believes that the kid he believes we’ll have will read my journals someday. I’ve been having a feeling, actually, that someday my journals will be read by someone, but I don’t know who. Well, I’m not gonna worry about it or let that feeling stop me from saying whatever I have to say.

I wonder how Tom feels about the idea of a child of ours reading the journals where I called him a liar or about our sex lives. I believe I once mentioned the sex part of it to him and he said he wasn’t worried since kids grow up to have sex lives, too. If we ever do have a kid, I’ll have to hide these from it as long as I’m alive. Then again, probably not. After asking myself if I’d have liked to have read my mother’s journals if she kept one, I’d say the answer is no. Except for maybe the parts about me. I think if my parents, Tom, Tammy, Andy, or anyone else I know or have known let me have access to any journals they wrote, I’d take them, but more than likely, I’d skim through most of them.

In shock, I still find myself wondering why I’m so lucky to have Tom and why he loves me so much as I know he does and why he wants to be with me forever as I also know he does. I know I’ve been a bit hard on him for a handful of reasons and I know I’m not the perfect wife or person, but for the most part, I know I’m a good person and a good wife and he’s a great person and great husband.

It should be just about light enough for me to see to stick my mail out, so I’m gonna go do that now. Also, my birds should be waking up. I played with Piggy, so now it’s time to entertain the birds.

SUNDAY, JULY 21, 1996
Tom’s gonna change Piggy’s cage tomorrow.

Tom got $100 at Evelyn’s which is great, but his folks are still feeling shitty.

Also, Tom hurt his back at Evelyn’s. See how nice and fair God is? He gave Tom a hurt back for helping Evelyn. And no wonder God favors murderers. He’s a murderer himself what with talking 230 lives in that plane crash and so many other innocent people’s lives around the world.

Later…

I was wrong about where Tom got the ribbon from. He didn’t get it from his mother. He got it from Mary who got it at work. He says Mary says they’ll be giving away more stuff at her work that we might be able to get our hands on.

I told Tom all about the letter to Marty and why I’m sending it. He listened, and then told me he doesn’t agree with it and thinks it’s wrong, but I’m free to do as I please. I respect that and that’s fair.

I also asked him some questions, since he seems to be an expert. He said he thinks it probably took Evie a few months to conceive. He also says we don’t have to plan on having sex on or around mid-cycle cuz being able to conceive has a broad time frame, like 10 days. I hope he’s right, cuz I’ve always heard differently and Robin mentioned all that stuff about God arranging for me to be mid-cycle on weekends. He also said I would have PMS just like usual if I got pregnant just before. He says PMS (the water retention part) has nothing to do with conceiving and that the water is to prepare to make a water sack for a baby if a baby’s been conceived. If a baby hasn’t been conceived, you get your period and the water gets flushed out. No wonder women gain weight at the beginning of pregnancy. It’s cuz of all the water. He also says it’s not that the hormones are completely different, but that the levels fluctuate and no, it won’t alter my personality or drive me crazy. So does this mean that pregnant women use that and the different hormone levels as an excuse to be bitchy? I can see being pregnant making you uncomfortable or terrified, especially if it’s your first time, but not bitchy, cuz you’re supposed to be happy at that time. Why would anyone want to be bitchy, sad, or mad anyway, without a legit excuse or if they’ve got a medical problem?

As usual, there’s nothing worth watching on TV. Guess I’ll go set up the VCR to tape tomorrow’s women’s gymnastics.

SATURDAY, JULY 20, 1996
I had a brief, yet pleasant enough talk with Tom about what I wrote the day before. In fact, Tom read the previous date’s writing.

He still totally disagrees with me and knows for a fact that one, I’m not sterile and two, I will be pregnant in September or October. Well, I don’t see it, but let’s hope he’s right just like he was about his cumming. I tried to adopt more of an optimistic attitude, but as you can see, that’s easier said than done. Most things, I don’t believe till I see, but if I’m proven wrong on something, then I believe. I told Tom that as each thing happens that I said wouldn’t or couldn’t believe, then I won’t be so pessimistic on that particular thing, but other things that haven’t happened yet, then yes, I’m pessimistic all right.

His parents are doing lousy. Ma can’t handle Dad physically and is very weak and arthritic herself due to all the stress. Tom thinks she’ll get better after Dad goes, but that’s where Mary and I disagree. He said his dad gets weaker by the day and much more out of it.

Mary’s staying overnight tonight, so Tom’s sleeping in bed.

I know that it’s not a very cool thing for me to still be angry at Uncle Marty or anyone else from my past. I should be big enough to tell myself that it’s done and over with and to just forget the past and the past people, but I guess you could say that’s one of my weaknesses and faults. I don’t always let go of the past like I should. I’m not as bad as I used to be, but still, I should keep on doing what I’ve been doing and not have anything to do with Marty. I just can’t, though. For some reason, my letting him know I could take him in a fight nowadays, really releases just about all of the anger I’ve had towards him for threatening me. I’m also kind of pissed at myself, too, and embarrassed for being a little wuss back then and for taking it and for just letting him get away with threatening me like he did. Why didn’t I clobber him? I should have. At that time I’m sure he could’ve clobbered me right back, but it would’ve been worth it to know I tried and didn’t just stand there and take it like a wimp.

I’m not mad anymore at Ronnie cuz I gave him a piece of mind back in 1986 or so. He ended up getting so scared of me that he changed his phone number.

I feel much better now, knowing I’ve talked to Larry and am sending this letter. Anyone else I’ve had problems with is done and over and in the past.

I promise myself this and anyone else who cares to listen and that’s that if I ever have any problems with being threatened by any more family members, neighbors, or anyone, I will jump their ass. I may lose or I may win, but there won’t be any words or threats coming out of my mouth. Only actions will there be.

So, Marty and Ruth are neighbors to my parents, huh? According to Information, they live in the same condos as my parents do. Of course, my parents will hear all about the letter and probably even read it, but I couldn’t care less.

I wonder if I should tell Tom about the letter and why I’m sending it? Maybe I should wait cuz I don’t want Tom to get all worried as he can get paranoid just like I can but in a different way. Also, I’m quite sure there’ll be no response from anyone about it. My parents and Marty and Ruth will be telling so many hundreds of people about it, that by the time they get around to calling me about it, I’m sure they’ll be really damn sick of discussing the subject.

I just remembered something weird. I sang at my funny farm graduation. I sang My Time Has Come. The stupid song I wrote when I was 15. I wonder why they let me sing. I mean, my voice sucked back then. I was a million times worse on my best singing days then, than I am on my worst singing days now.

I’m gonna take a break now to call AOL and see if I have any mail.

Later…

No mail for me, but I left Tammy a message.

Where the fuck are our stamps? Did that fucking mailman misdeliver them? Well, either Tom or myself intend to call the post office tomorrow and find out what the hell is going on. They better not have given them to fucking next door! If they did that or gave them to some other house, how the hell are we gonna prove that? They should’ve been here Wednesday, so I hope to hell they come tomorrow.

I watched some of the opening ceremonies of the Olympics. The only part of it I want to see is the women’s gymnastics.

Well, I’m getting really beat now and can barely see. With all the crying I did today, my eyes are blurred up big time, so I think I’ll hit the sack. I just hope to hell that the cramps I know I’m gonna wake up with aren’t too bad.

Later…

Naturally, I did get my period today and am not too bad in the way of cramps, so that’s good. Besides, I just pop an Ibuprofen when my cramps act up.

The stamps came, so that’s good. Tomorrow I’ll have letters going out to Kim, Bob, Larry, and Marty.

I hope to get a letter from Minnie soon, but who knows?

Later…

I just had to take a few minutes out to take a dump.

Anyway, what I’ll probably do is this. I am gonna get my parents an anniversary card and when I go to pick that up, along with Tammy’s birthday card, I’ll get a postcard and tell Marty how sorry I am for accusing him of leaving that message and that the person whose voice sounded just like his, called me and apologized for accusing me and said that they found out who really called them.

I got caught up on my sleep and feel much better now. I got up at 2 p.m. and am now doing some of the laundry. I’ve got it hanging out on the line. I wanted to get the bulk of it done today cuz I don’t know how much of the morning or late afternoon hours I’ll be awake tomorrow to hang dry stuff. That way, if I have to have Tom dry anything tomorrow, it’ll be one load and mainly sheets.

Robin was right so far. No noise from next door and no Blazer last night or as often. Like I said, I guess she and Mike aren’t seeing each other as much. I hope she doesn’t get a new rap-blasting boyfriend!

Last night Robin made a so-called deal with me. She said she wasn’t gonna tell me which month, but that I’ll be pregnant for sure in either August, September, or October and that if I’m not, she’ll never come near me again. OK, I told her. She said to think about it. Why is it that I haven’t happened to be mid-cycle but only once or twice in the past when it was the weekend? She said why do I suppose that for the last two weekends and the next and maybe even after that, God has it set so I’ll be mid-cycle? I suppose she’s trying to tell me that God has it set up this way to allow us the right time to work on impregnating me. I sure do hope so, anyway, and she and Tom reminded me that God doesn’t hate me and Tom says not to ditch Robin. OK, Tom does seem to be much smarter than I am when it comes to sex and the reproductive system, so I’ll sit back and let him prove the facts of life to me. He’s been right so far. Robin explained to me what she meant by “there’s a good chance” of my conceiving after we screwed when I was mid-cycle. Tom had said there was a 75% chance an egg got hit by a sperm and Robin said it did and it was a boy.

I wonder just how long it took Evie and Marla to conceive? They didn’t have any kids till they were in their 40s, although, Marla did have a few abortions along the way, but I don’t know about Evie.

In my letter to Kim, I told her how Tom said I’d get my period, even though he came in me when I was mid-cycle, and how he explained that a 30-year-old can’t adapt to hormone changes as fast and that he’s 100% sure I’m not sterile and will conceive in September or October. I asked her if she agreed and if this made sense to her. I suppose it would, but I want to hear her opinion anyway. I hope Tammy’s dead wrong when she said that anyone who screws for the 2½ years we did without getting pregnant by the pre-cum, is certainly sterile. I’ll have to ask Tom more about hormone changes. I thought I’d always heard that hormone changes can really play on your personality and moods and even make you kind of whacked out.

Tom says there’s nothing wrong with not wanting to go out and do your average typical job and wanting to stay home and be a wife and mother. I agree. I used to feel I was wrong for feeling the way I do and for wanting what I do, but millions of other women do it and there’s nothing wrong with it. I may even do other things while I was a mother. Like selling an art disk or whatever. We’ll see, but first things first and that is getting the kid in the first place, even though it seems it should take many, many miracles to do so.

Well, time to go get the clothes off the line, so chow for now!

Tom’s at Evelyn’s now as we agreed on, but I sure hope he changes Piggy’s cage and trims the hedges sometime during the weekend.

FRIDAY, JULY 19, 1996
I am so depressed right now. More so than I thought I’d be. I’ve usually been not too good with writing while I was depressed and therefore would forget some of what I had thought or felt at the time. So, I’m trying to break that habit and write while my mind is churning with emotions, feelings, and thoughts.

I didn’t get my period today, but I know I will tomorrow, and am so fucking bloated right now. The only thing I don’t have is sore tits. I have everything else that says my period’s right around the corner and I just don’t see how women can feel like this if they’re pregnant. I mean, no way! Maybe just a tiny fraction of PMS, but this? I don’t think so.

Anyway, the main reason I’m depressed right now is cuz I’m now dealing with my sterility like never before in my whole life. I knew it. I just knew I could never get pregnant and if only Tom knew just how wrong he is about my getting pregnant soon or ever. Now that I know he really does want a kid, there’s gonna be two of us to be let down. I know, though, that it’ll be no big deal to Tom that he can handle it and that it will never hit him an eighth of how it’s hit me.

I should’ve known better than to get all excited about his cumming, other than for the fact that it feels good to him and makes me feel I’ve done my job in bed right.

Once again, I want to know why God hates me so much and why Robin’s such a liar. And Robin said I’d be pregnant by September? Then that I’ll know I’m pregnant by my birthday? This is such bullshit! Why, why, why!!! Why does God hate me so much?! Why does he want to torture me? God will never let me have anything, will he? Oh, we may get some new things here and there and we may move someday, but that’s it. I’ll still be the same old Jodi with the same old life.

Tom and I were talking about my ear one time and he told me that God marks his special ones. Oh yeah? Was I that special to him that he had to mark my plumbing for destruction, too? I hate him, I hate him, I hate him! Won’t he ever just let me have at least one thing I’ve really wanted? Not something I didn’t think of or plan on or want or try for that I got and ended up loving whatever it was and wanting to keep it forever and ever like Tom and like coming out here. I used to feel differently and I hope I’m wrong about this, but I can’t ever see myself getting over not being able to have a child or forgiving God for sterilizing me. Most of the issues that I have to deal with are one after another, lasting for 2-3 years, but not this one. This one may end up being longer than the issue of how bad I had wanted to be a singer. What is this, a case of God feeling I’m ready and tough enough to deal with facing the fact of sterility like never before? Well, I can’t deal with it. And I can’t just say to myself that I’m just not gonna give God the satisfaction of showing him that he’s hurt me and that this situation has hurt me. I can’t carry on with my life as if it’s OK that I can’t have a child. If it were that easy, I’d have done so a long time ago.

I mentioned how Tom talked about a 30-year-old getting used to hormone changes and that getting pregnant would take 2-3 months. Well, I wish he were right, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized that 30 or not, I should’ve conceived at the time we did it. To do it 14 days before your period is supposed to be the prime time for conception.

They say no one’s ever fought God and won, so I guess I’ll just have to be the first. Somehow, some way, I must deal with this and get over it and get it out of my system. I know I must do something in life, too, even if it’s gonna be second best and even if my heart’s not gonna be in it.

I hate Robin so much now and I don’t ever want Robin anywhere near me! How dare she say this shit just to tell me what I want to hear to cheer me up while knowing it’s pure bullshit! They’re just like I thought Tom was up till the day he came.

Just about every single time I’ve ever been happy, it’s for nothing. I’m such a stupid, silly dreamer with no real destiny or future. All I’ll do is get occasional bursts of happiness about something that doesn’t even exist or about something that’s just an illusion or that just doesn’t last long at all or pan out to be much. God just loves to tease me. It’s like he’s saying to me, “I’ll give you happiness here and there, and then just when you think it may last, I’ll throw you back down so hard and laugh while you cry in depression, frustration, and anger.”

THURSDAY, JULY 18, 1996
For the second time since next door’s been here, I hear music coming from their house. It’s perfectly fine with me, though, cuz you can only faintly hear it in the music room and it’s not like it’s bassy and rocks the whole house like that car stereo can.

The Blazer isn’t there as much anymore which is fine with me. Guess they’re not getting along as well or as much or something.

I’m just really worried about how the noise situation around here will be in the winter. Robin says not to worry at all, but we’ll see.

Today I feel much better than yesterday. I only shit once today and today my stomach hasn’t been bothering me in the way of gas or pre-cramps and my boobs are still fine. This is typical, though, to get symptoms of the period coming on, but then the last two days or so before the period can be much comfier.

Guess they didn’t feel like listening to music for long. I just walked by that room to go to the bathroom and it was silent. I hope that the weather report I just heard means that Robin will be right when she says that this weekend there’ll be no parties next door and that they’ll be gone throughout most of the weekend. It’s gonna be drying up and it’s to be 110° tomorrow, then 112° during the weekend. Hot and dry they say.

I forgot to mention this, but according to Robin, they probably won’t be getting a dog next door, figuring they just don’t have enough time to tend to it. That’s smart, rather than to leave it outside 24/7 like two yards down does. Those are just guard dogs, but that still is a cruel thing to do to even guard dogs, if you ask me.

I hope this weekend will be good, other than the fact that I’ll be cramping and ragging. Maybe a little sad too, as it’ll be a reminder to me once again, that I just can’t conceive. And that means no matter what age I am, too. I get it. God felt that I’ve done my time dealing with Tom’s not cumming, and now that he is, he feels I’m ready to deal with the next step and that’s going from 99.9% sure I’m sterile to 100% sure I’m sterile. Then I’ll have to deal with that forever since no fertility specialist could ever do a damn thing about it. Then God will also stick another one of those 2-3-year deals on me where I’ll have something different or freaky to eat at my emotions. Is that it?

I talked to Andy today for too long, as usual, but his mouth just kept going a mile a minute and he just wouldn’t let me off the fucking phone. Still, we had a nice talk. The bulk of it was about his many and mixed feelings about Quinn. He’s had him sexually more than he ever thought possible lately, but yet has a hard time with the fact that Quinn is so closeted.

Andy also called Barbara Nicks and asked her to the movies. As we both figured, she’s busy. She did tell him, though, that he’s the first young man in quite a while to ask her to the movies.

According to Andy, he dreamt about Fran and thinks that means he’s gonna try to contact us. I hope not, but if Tom or I answer the phone and it’s him, we’ll just hang up. If he’s been such a good boy this long, why would he start up now? It wouldn’t surprise me, though, unless he’s in jail, the funny farm, or dead.

Again we got no mail today. Not even the stamps we ordered, so I hope to hell they come tomorrow. I’d just die if those got misdelivered. If they ever delivered something of importance to us to next door, I know they’d never return it. I ought to send something there to myself to see just how honest they are, but it’s not worth the stamp to find out what I already figure greatly on and if the mailman saw the name S on it, he’d cross out their number, write ours on it and deliver it here.

Tom’s over at his parent’s house now putting some kind of lock on their doors. Always doing something for them.

Last night or the night before, Wendy called and he told me he doubted she’d be calling for a while.

Yeah, right. I suppose that’s why she just called a little while ago. She’s such a pushy one! I mean, she’s got two kids, so where is she getting all this time to sit and call us and play computer? Wendy really had the hots for Tom, so has she just gotten to really missing him or trying to bug us or what? I know they got it on here a few times before we met. I wonder, did he cum for her?

Anyway, when Tom comes in, I assume he’ll be beat and just want to sit in front of the TV till he goes to bed. I hope he’ll take care of something we need done soon enough and that’s Piggy’s cage, cuz it really needs to be done.

I’m rather ticked off that he said he won’t post for another job now, which he’s eligible to do, till after this shit with his parents is over. First of all, this shit with his parents won’t be over for quite a while. Second of all, I’m sick of him putting off decisions that affect us both and putting others first. Why the hell can’t he and Mary talk to the other family members and tell them to get off their lazy asses and do their fair share? Why does Tom have to do nearly everything? Why can’t David do the damn door or something for a change? Must he use his kid as an excuse when these people do have the money for a babysitter if Evie’s not around? I can see, though, just how easy it’d be to use a kid as an excuse to get out of doing something you don’t like to do or want to do or just can’t deal with. I’d probably try to say that my kid was sick or something like that and kids are always sick, so I’m sure I’d be believed if I had a kid.

I’m almost finished with the doggie journal I’m in and truthfully, I’ve been anxious to get out of it cuz I can’t wait to get to the fruit journal. Also, the one after that which will be the one for Women Who Do Too Much, ought to be different and interesting enough, too. The blue and purple one with the crumpled paper look, has plain white lined paper, and at the same time the cover’s nothing special, it is kind of nice looking. Tom really liked it a lot and it’s totally something I can see him buying and writing in if he were into writing journals.

It’s pretty nice outside now, but it’s still pretty warm. Once the sun goes down, I’ll switch over to the EC.

I kept busy today when I wasn’t on the phone. I wrote and I cleaned the house. I was too lazy to dust, but I gave the appliances a quick clean-up to keep them from getting built up with shit, then I cleaned the bathroom and vacuumed.

Later…

Tom got in and he says his dad’s doing terrible. Very weak and incoherent. He’d be moaning in pain one minute, then saying he was hungry another minute, then tired the next minute and tonight he was singing cheerfully for a good 20 seconds or so.

Tom’s mom doesn’t use her computer too much anymore cuz of her arthritis. Especially now that the monitor just completely died. So, she gave us one of her ribbons and Tom’s now unloading a dead ribbon from its case and loading the one she gave us into it cuz its case was of a different size. I hope it works. I don’t see why it can’t.

I was absolutely shocked, yet flattered to hear what Tom told me earlier. Mary can’t have kids due to having to have a hysterectomy. Tom said that he thinks Mary would’ve made just an average mother and that I’d make an even better mother than her. Wow! What faith he has in me! Well, I’m trying to adopt the “you never know” attitude, but it’s hard. Yes, I know that things have happened that I never thought could or would, but we’re talking a whole different ball game here.

Later…

Tom just went to bed. He’s really beat, as usual.

He brought home a video of Ryan’s high school graduation and a couple of blank tapes to make copies for those who want one. (another thing to do for others) This kid got a graduation ceremony and a party with money and gifts and all kinds of things for graduating. Lucky kid. All I got was a music book and a most-improved-behavior award. How humiliating, huh?

Tom’s sleeping out here in the back room right now due to the way things are with his dad.

I know this may sound like a really cruel and sick thing to say, but even though his parents are so sweet and I love to see them, I wish they didn’t exist. They’re stealing our lives away. Then again, if it weren’t them stealing our lives, it’d be something or someone else. There’s always a problem somewhere with somebody.

This Saturday he’s working at Evelyn’s who does pay him well cuz I’ll be sleeping late and due to having my period that day, I won’t feel the greatest body-wise or head-wise. I just hope Evelyn doesn’t need him next weekend and the next and the next. This is only the 4th or 5th time, I think, that she’s needed Tom to work for her, so she’s not that bad. Not as bad as Wendy’s phone calls and certainly not as bad as Tom’s parents. Still, his parents are very lucky to have kids like Tom and Mary. When we get old and senile or disabled or weak or whatever the case may be, there’ll be no one to take care of us and help us out. Getting old is really a scary thought to me due to all the pain and disability it means having, and then the fact that there’ll be no one there for us makes it worse.

Andy and I were discussing a pattern we’ve noticed in our lives that’s the opposite of the pattern my sister and I seem to have. Well, usually when things are good here, they’re not so good with my sister or her family, and vice versa. With Andy and I, well, when he has good luck, I do too, and when he has bad luck, I do, too. He’s been having good luck lately and we have too (except for being busy and with Tom’s family), so I told him to keep having good luck so that it’ll keep rubbing off on us and maybe, just maybe, we will have a kid. My hopes may be rather unrealistic, but like I said before, dreams are dreams and we all have them.

He’s confused a lot of the time about Quinn, yet he also understands him. When Quinn and Andy are together around Quinn’s friends, Quinn acts like Andy’s just a friend and doesn’t want anyone to know about them. But when they’re alone, it’s a different story. The thing that makes it hard for Andy is that Quinn calls all the shots. He can’t talk about sex, ask for sex, or have sex with Quinn unless Quinn brings it up. Andy said he said to Quinn that it’d be nice if every once in a while he could call Quinn up for sex, but Quinn just doesn’t like that idea. He describes Quinn as very selfish, insecure, and miserable, at the same time he’s friendly and loving. And of course, he’s all fucked up on drugs and is just so damn naïve. I hope things work out, though, and I told Andy to just give it time, cuz you never know. He’s already gotten further than he ever thought he would, so he just might get even further with Quinn in time.

Later…

I just got up to leave Andy a quick message and let him in on the latest scoop in our lives and now I’m gonna take a shower which I need desperately. I need to shave and boy, does my hair need washing!

Dear Uncle Marty,

I was very upset to come home to a message from you on our answering machine saying, “How dare you prank phone call us and I’ll come out there and kick your butt if you do it again.”

First of all, I haven’t made a prank phone call to you or anyone else since 1991. Second of all, you wouldn’t stand a fraction of a chance in a fight with me in this day and age. Third of all, I thought our past problems were just that - past problems.

Yes, we’ve all done wrong in the past and yes, I am 100% guilty of calling you several years ago and having my friend call you. However, I now haven’t a thing in the world against you and your family and I wish you no harm or ill luck whatsoever and I was really hoping we could just let dead dogs lay dead. I’m sorry you have such bad feelings towards me and I can’t change that, but I still do love you and Aunt Ruth and wish you both luck, happiness, and good health.

Jodi Lin

What you just read, believe it or not, is a letter I’m sending to my uncle, even though the part of it with the message he left is bullshit. Why am I doing this? Oh, I guess for two reasons. I’m just curious to see what type of response it’ll stir up, either from them or my folks, if anyone at all. Also, I just had to make that threat about him not being able to beat me at this time, and that’s the truth too, as is the rest of the letter. I’ve had a lot of anger towards my two uncles for several years. I don’t know why or why I haven’t gotten over the past. The reason for my anger toward Uncle Ronnie is that he was always such a bully. So rude and macho. I mean, he thought he was just the toughest thing in the world. As for Uncle Marty, well, I think I’ve mentioned the bullshit thing they accused me of and how he reacted to it when I was 14. I stood with him and Aunt Ruth at a campground in Connecticut for a little while one summer and this boy and I were getting a little touchy-feely cuz I just didn’t know how to say no. Well, they thought we went much further, after they found out about it, which I never had any intention of doing. They wouldn’t listen to me. They wouldn’t believe me and this had gotten me into enough hot water with my parents, of course. And of course, my parents believed them and not me. Then one of them or both of them hit me (I can’t remember which or if it was both). Then Marty came over to the house and scared the shit out of me and threatened me cuz I slammed the door on his face cuz I was pissed off at him for lying about me and for how he treated me. If only I were like I am now back then. I’ve thought it a million times over. I would’ve dogged him and I mean dogged him! I wouldn’t have cared what the consequences were.

Other than that, I’ve gotten over my anger towards Larry and a few others here and there who did me wrong in the past. I mean, I do wish I had ended up fighting a few people back in school and people like Bonnie (Brenda’s roommate on Woodside Terrace). And also Barbara in the NHA, but I had either been too nice, too sick, or physically unable to do so at the time. If I had been able to, I’m sure I’d have spared myself a lot of shit from them, but I also would’ve been arrested, too, I’m sure. So there’s both good and bad to the way the past turned out. Yup, with my temper the way it was in the past, which was a million times worse than it could ever be now, I’d have spent plenty of time in court and maybe even jail, too.

The ribbon prints just great. I just used it to print Mary’s letter, then I copied and pasted it in. Tom said it won’t last as long, though, as this ribbon is shorter.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 17, 1996
I just applied a really cool screen saver. It’s called ‘leaky roof’ and water droplets come down one by one and make the stuff on the screen look all soggy and rippely, just as it would if water spilled on a piece of paper or if you were looking at a piece of paper that was underwater. It’s pretty neat. I like to change things around every now and then for variety. Stuff like screen savers, wallpaper, and fonts.

I thought my so-called “sterility reminder” was here today as I’ve had massive pre-cramping today. The weird thing about it was that it turned out I just needed to take a dump. This happened a few times yesterday and a few times today. At one point, I was lying in bed cuz my stomach acted up in a way that did feel like cramps for sure, but then Robin came and said it wasn’t cramps I was feeling and that I just needed to go to the bathroom. “But I just did,” I had thought. Then, sure enough, my stomach got worse in a way that I could then tell was a need to shit, so I did.

I’m getting really skeptical, once again, of Robin. I just remembered that Robin told me I’d be finding out I was pregnant by September. I looked it up in my journals and there it was in quotes what she had told me. That’s impossible. Even if I weren’t sterile, September’s too soon for a 30-year-old to conceive. Why is she lying? What’s on her mind? What’s motivating her to tell me such shit? And now she’s saying that she won’t tell me when but that by my birthday I’ll know for sure I’m pregnant.

Oh, come on! Give me a break! Who does she think she’s kidding? God can’t love me that much and so suddenly, can he? If he hated me for the most part, how can he love me that much now to give us a child?

I know Tom proved me wrong on something I was dead sure of, but how can he just know and have so much confidence that I’ll be pregnant in a few months? How many times can he prove me wrong? How many more times can Robin be right? She was wrong about how long the company would be next door, even though she said she is sometimes wrong about the smaller things in life, but still, for her to know and be right about the pregnancy just seems too far out in left field.

All that she’s told me about my getting pregnant now or real damn soon, then carrying it to term, then having it naturally, just seems as impossible as me waking up 6 feet tall and being able to snap my fingers and be on the moon, then snap my fingers again and have many $100 dollar bills in my hand.

I just don’t get it. Why would she say these things? Why would Tom? God’s never given me anything that I desperately wanted so very, very, very bad. Only stuff I wanted to keep very, very, very bad like being here and having Tom after I’d gotten these things. So, the big question is, why would he start now? He never gave me a singing career that I desperately wanted. He never gave me the woman I desperately wanted badly. So why should he give me the child I desperately want badly? Why would he suddenly smile down upon me and decide to bless me in such a grand way? It doesn’t seem logical for him to do so. It doesn’t fit the pattern. Especially when I still feel that yes, he gave me some gifts that he’ll probably never let me use in a professional kind of way, but for the bulk of my life God has hated me.

I don’t know when Tom will be home, cuz I’m assuming that he’s making his daily trip to his parent’s house, while everyone else except for Mary sits on their ass as if nothing’s going on. Tom wants to go, though, regardless of what other people do cuz he really does love his dad very much. As he told me, he’s the greatest person he’s ever known. I think Tom’s dad dying is gonna hit him harder than anyone else that could ever die that he knows. Even me. And even our child, if we could’ve ever had one.

I’d still like to know what my destiny is. I thought that God had given me a voice to sing with to share with the world, but I was wrong. So what can I share with anyone, other than a clean house and some conversation? If I can’t use my voice or my plumbing, what can I use? What can I do?

I can’t be alone. There’s got to be other people in this world in the very same situation I’m in. I can’t be that unique, even though I know there’s definitely been some pretty damn unique things about me or those I’ve known. Still, I’d like to talk to someone like me and ask them, what do they do? How do they handle it? Do they settle? Do they do nothing? Do they just kill time and wait till their time is up? I wonder.

I’ll probably have to see Doctor Rauche for a checkup in 2-3 months when my yearly prescriptions run out and Tom says that he feels it’s very possible that I’ll be there for a pregnancy test too. Yeah, I fantasized about that myself, but I’m just so afraid it’s just that, a fantasy. Will Tom go back to his old ways? Will we never hit it right if I am sterile due to bad timing or not having enough time?

Well, there’s no use dwelling on it cuz if there’s anything Robin’s told me that I agree with 100%, it’s that fate is fate and nothing I say or do is gonna change something that’s inevitable, whether it’s a good thing or not.

It looks like things are clearing up outside. It was sunny today, but still sort of humid. Last night, though, it finally got comfortable enough to run the EC and air the place out.

We’ve got to change Piggy’s cage, though, as he’s starting to stink.

Tom mowed yesterday after spraying the yard with ant killer and he said he’d trim the hedges by the clothesline back for me by the weekend since I sometimes still like to hang stuff out. Especially sheets. When he’s not here, I usually use the line to save him the trouble of having to go out to the dryer, especially if he’s tired, and if I’m tired, too, and I just want to get it over with.

I sometimes wonder if I should type up my old letter journals, but are they that important? The only real purpose of having typed versions of my journals is in case of a fire, so hopefully they’ll never be used. The only time I use them is to search for things quickly. Also, I can’t see a need for this, but if I wanted to print out a section or excerpt for someone, I could do that without giving them my journal.

See? That’s the fourth fucking time I’ve shit today. I did this 3 times yesterday and 4 times today, yet my weight is up to 104 which is the highest I’ve been in a while. I’m supposed to be constipated at this time of month, but I’m sure I will be for the next day or two. That’s OK, though, cuz I’ve shit enough to last a week. It’s confusing at times to know for sure which is a pre-cramp and which is a shit cramp.

Later…

Tom’s home now and he told me that the reason why my stomach has been the way it has been is cuz I’ve eaten too much ice cream. Could be and probably is.

He also said that his dad went to the doctor today which was really rough on him. It was kind of hard for Mom, too, and the doctor told her not to bring him back in cuz it’s too hopeless and he’s going to die. He said there’s nothing left to do for him, but that the hospice nurse can give him whatever she thinks will make him more comfortable.

Tom’s been thinking of the perfect latch for the doors cuz he goes out in the middle of the night naked. It’s not senility he’s got, but due to the constant pain he’s in and the medication, he’s been very disoriented. Sometimes at night, he swears it’s early morning or something like that. He and Ma are trying to figure out some kind of latch that’ll confuse him into getting the door open, but that also won’t make it impossible for Ma to open the door. In a sense, he’s more able-bodied than she is. I suggested a chain lock or a latch lock that slides.

Mary agrees with me, but Tom doesn’t, about Mom. You see, life’s just one thing after another and since something up there is so determined to keep Tom busier than all hell and have one thing after another after another after another go on in our lives, I think ma’s next. Meaning, I think that after dad dies, we’ll need to tend to ma all the time. Tom doesn’t agree with Mary and me and says that once she’s set up properly and has the stuff she needs, she’ll be OK by herself and won’t need constant help. This I’ve got to see to believe, but for ma’s sake and the family’s sake, I hope Tom’s right and that Mary and I are wrong. So then we’ll get hit with something else. Something else will be going on that’ll steal our time or money or both from us.

I don’t know how we can afford this, but Tom asked me which CD I wanted the most from the record club. We still have to buy a few more in the next year or two. They don’t have Linda’s or Gloria’s new CD yet, so I told him The Best of the Village People would do just fine.

That scale of ours is pretty whacked out, cuz now it’s telling me I weigh 100 and not 104 or 102.

In a few minutes, Tom and I are going swimming.

Later…

Just came in from our swim a little while ago and I just de-waxed my ear. Tom says he doesn’t think it was my wisdom tooth that was bothering me. He thinks it was my ear. I thought this time it was my tooth, but now it feels almost 100% better, so that’s nice, no matter what it was. Maybe whenever I feel that way I should take Ibuprofen and de-wax my ear, rather than take Ibuprofen and put alcohol and peroxide in my ear.

The humidity is down a little, so we’re gonna switch to the EC after the sun goes down like we did last night.

Well, who knows if Tom will be in the mood for fun tonight. He’s tired as usual, but it’s OK cuz I took care of myself when I got horny earlier.

Tom just asked me if I wanted the TV now and I said no. Then he said he didn’t want it, but then why is he still watching it? I figured he’d watch it till he goes to bed which ought to be any time now.

Not surprisingly, Tom did find something on TV and I was watching a little myself. Not too good. A plane exploded a few hours ago in New York, about 10 miles out into the Atlantic. They say it’s either a bomb or a malfunction in the engine, but they don’t know for sure. If it’s a bomb, though, I’d think it’d be an inside job due to the mega security they have. Tom says he thinks it’s an engine gone bad and that they had no way of detecting it.

I was reading my book some more, but I want to go to the library as soon as we can to look for some book titles I copied down on a piece of paper that I got out of the back covers of some past horror books I’ve read. Hopefully, I’ll find them and hopefully they’ll be just what I like.

We switched to the EC, and it’s tolerable in here, so that’s good.

TUESDAY, JULY 16, 1996
Got up at 10 AM today and yesterday. Last night, I didn’t think I’d ever fall asleep. Nothing was wrong. I was just filled with energy.

My wisdom tooth has been acting up and Tom said something about getting my teeth taken care of in a couple of months. We’ll see. I mean, yes, they do need to be taken care of and I have problems with several teeth as well as the gums, but could we really have that kind of money in just a couple of months? I know Dad’s leaving Tom some money, but after the bills are paid and we’re out of debt, it seems unbelievable that there’d be money left over for new cooling/heating stuff, a new roof, my teeth, the bed, and all the other things Tom’s been talking about. We’ll just have to wait and see.

At 1 p.m., it looked like it was early morning out. It was drizzling out. It’s been very cloudy out and just went it looked like the sun was gonna pop out, clouds came in. It’s the humidity that’s the bitch of it all and it hardly feels like we’re in the desert. I wish we could air the place out and use the EC, but it’s too humid for that so we’ve still got the AC on.

Tammy says they’re not going to Florida now till August 4th, cuz of the doctor’s appointments she and Bill have.

Being only 4 days away from my period, I’ve been having good luck as far as PMS goes. My chest is barely sore at all and I’ve had minimal pre-cramps and water gain and no emotional shit so far.

I told Tom that it still seems logical that sterility is so probable for me. He said I was very wrong, though, and I told him he can gladly prove me wrong yet again, but has a lot of odds stacked against him in which to do so. It’s more than a gut feeling or a vibe or intuition and the DES. My weight used to fluctuate a lot and of course, I was a walking pharmacy for most of my life and I didn’t get periods from age 16 to 18.

At least I haven’t had any dreams with strange messages.

Later…

I’ve only got a few minutes to write, then I’ll be checking out of here cuz I want to see a movie that might hopefully be good. For the most part, though, nothing’s too good or too interesting on TV till the fall. It’s nothing but reruns now and all year round there’s enough of that shit anyway.

Since grouping my journals on the computer, there are only 6 groups that are of Arizona journals. I used the search mode to see if I mentioned a certain dream I had a few years ago, and to my surprise, I have never written about it. It’s a pretty scary, yet funny dream in a way. As you know, my life was once so bad that I used to wish I could wake up and see that it was all just a nightmare. Well, I certainly got my chance to do just that in real life when I had the dream I’m about to write about.

I was walking down a beautiful desert road wearing a gorgeous flowing white chiffon dress and I was barefoot. I was admiring the beautiful weather and the scenery around me with cactuses, palm trees, and mountains. I was walking through some mountain trail, I guess, and at one point I was walking down the street of a suburban neighborhood just like ours when suddenly, my feet got very cold.

“No!” I cried. “It can’t be what I think it is.”

Sure enough, though, I slowly lowered my head to look down at my feet and I was standing in snow. Terrified, I slowly looked up, so afraid my worst nightmare had come true and it did. I was standing in the same outfit, still barefoot in the snow in downtown Springfield by Bay State West. In a panic, I ran inside the front doors where the payphones have always been and tried calling different people I’d known in the Springfield area. Either no one was home or I’d get busy signals. So I finally called Tammy and when she answered, I told her about my situation. At first she didn’t believe me, then she said,

“Well, tough shit. This is your problem, so you get yourself out of it all by yourself.”

Then I woke up. Never had I been so relieved to know that that was just a dream and I ran to the window and admired Arizona’s beauty till my sweat dried up and till my heart stopped pounding.

Later…

The movie seemed shitty, so I guess I’ll write some more. I mentioned a neat idea to Tom that I’ve had for a while. Again, I don’t know how we could ever afford to do this. I was thinking how neat it’d be to clean the patio up of all its bird shit and junk that’s out there and lay down some cheap carpet over the bulk of the area. Then put a table and chairs there and screen the patio and put a screen door in and make it what’s called an Arizona room. Then put a table with an umbrella and some chairs, including a new lounge, out by the grassy area and the cool deck. That cool deck, which is a textured cement surface that surrounds the pool, sure does get hot and fries your feet, even though it’s cooler than the concrete on the patio that’s smooth. Also, we’d have to take down the bench swing, which the birds have totally claimed, anyway, and it’d be nice to get that rocker bench for either outside or inside the patio area, but if it were outside, it’d really have to be covered well, cuz anything that’s put outside, is for the birds to claim and do whatever they please with.

We ordered stamps by mail and I guess they’ll be here tomorrow. Now I’m only writing to Bob and Kim since Tammy’s got a computer and my parents are history. Of course, I also write to Larry and his family.

I just hope everything continues to work out. So far, so good, but still it seems we’ll never have enough time for each other. If a 30-year-old DES person really can get pregnant in a few months, will we even have the time to do so? He’s so tired most of the time due to having to tend to his parents after work nearly every day and my schedule isn’t always on days. I just wish the other family members would do their fair share and stop sticking the bulk of it on Tom, and then on Mary. Mary’s been kind enough to stay there overnight several times, but what about Ray, Nora, Evie, and the two Davids? Have they got a problem with it or something? Does it make them that uncomfortable? Well, we all like to be in our own beds and I sure as hell wouldn’t want to sleep over there, but if I need to and if that’s something I can do to help out, then I will.

I hope we can get a new ribbon soon. I’m amazed that the color one we’ve been using is still alive. It’s barely alive, but that’s only cuz I’ve been printing with pink in a low resolution. If I were to use a higher resolution and print in blues, purples, or black, it’d really drain the juice out of it. I am getting sick of pink print, though, so the next time I print stuff, I may keep the low resolution, but print in blue or something like that. When I look at the 4 color bands on the ribbon which are yellow, red, blue, and black, I can see that all the colors are worn out except for the blue.

I hope it doesn’t rain anymore or stay humid, but that’s a dream. It is the monsoon season after all and it’ll be this way till mid-September. I wish it’d rain every single weekend, though. That’d keep neighbors quiet, although they have been, thank God.

I haven’t been reading that 510-page book by Dean Koontz lately, so pretty soon I think I’m gonna jump back into it before I forget what the hell’s going on. I’m halfway through it.

When I was in the bookstore, they had a horror section with all kinds of books that I’m totally into. Now why can’t any of these libraries do that and have horror sections? What’s the big deal?

I think I may have forgotten to mention this, but when I bought the last 3 journals, the guy there at the store gave us a card and I think after you’ve bought $10 worth of stuff 8 times ($80), you get a $7 book free. It may be 10 times, though. The 3 journals had come to $19 and change, but the guy stamped off the card two times. Before a year is out, I’ll get that $7 off. Probably even before 1996 is out with the way I write.

After midnight, I’ll be technically 3 days away from my period and I wonder now, why am I so lucky this month? I have no tit pain. I can only feel a little soreness if I press into the sides, but this has been the best my tits have ever felt before a period. They feel like they do after my period and I’ve hardly had any pre-cramps. I’ve had some, though. I’m sure, though, that within the next few days, I’ll feel worse and pretty shitty on Saturday. Thank God for Ibuprofen, though.

I know I’m not pregnant, of course, but I asked Tom how Tammy could feel like she was gonna get her period as she said she did when she got pregnant. Tom said it’s kind of like a psychological thing and when something’s going on down there, a woman automatically relates it to her period. But you can’t feel anything going on down there for the first 2 or 3 months, so that’s weird. Real weird. She said that after her period was supposed to be over, though, the symptoms went away.

MONDAY, JULY 15, 1996
I wish today was like yesterday. It’s cool and cloudy which is perfect for visiting people, running errands, and going shopping. When I’m at home, though, I love it hot and sunny.

I’m surprised the kids two yards down aren’t out screaming on their monkey bars.

Robin was right. No parties next door.

Robin came to me last night and here are all the things she told me: In the winter, next door and two yards down won’t be any worse. I’ll only hear them occasionally and not for long. I’ll be finding out I’m pregnant quite soon enough and she knows to the minute when I’ll conceive and have it. She knows if it’s a girl or a boy. No C-section will be required and I’ll have it about an hour after going to the hospital. She said it may be hard, but fast and that overall, it won’t be the long drawn-out nightmare I think it’ll be. She says it’ll be easier to have than carry and not quite as bad as I thought. I might be uncomfortable down there for a while after, but no big deal. I’ll be happy being a mother and have no regrets about it.

I told her this all seemed too good to be true and she said not all things that sound too good to be true are a joke. She said things that are too good to be true do happen all the time. More than I think.

She also said no, my family won’t be negative towards us about it and they won’t nag, hassle, or lecture us. Well, good, cuz I’d just hang up on them or not take it.

Time will tell, though, how much Robin will be right or wrong on.

We screwed last Saturday evening and Tom said he had a mini orgasm for sure, but neither of us hardly felt any cum. I believe him, though. Guys throb before they cum in a way that they don’t during any other time and I sure felt him throb.

Mary told me she and Dave got a mattress that’s not that Do Not Disturb mattress but acts similarly. She says if Dave sits at the edge of the bed and rocks it, she can feel it, but she can’t feel him tossing and turning. Can you believe they paid $1200 for it?! The bed we want is cheaper than that. She said the reason they paid so much is cuz they needed a super long mattress cuz Dave’s 6’ 4”.

Well, I think I’ll go grab a bite to eat, then start typing some of this up.

Later…

Got a letter from Bob and I began typing one back to him. I did a lot of writing today.

Tom mowed his parent’s yard today and when he came home, I had pork chops and a baked potato ready for him.

He put some algaecide in the pool.

I’m sure he’ll be too tired to do anything tonight if you know what I mean. I’m not too terribly horny now, though, so I can live without it.

Maybe we’ll play some cards, but I think I’ve done enough writing for now!

SUNDAY, JULY 14, 1996
Today was a very busy day for both of us. Tom got $105 worth of groceries, then after we ate, we took off for Mom and Dad’s.

Mary and Johnny were there and we all worked on different things.

I vacuumed and Tom tore up the filthy smelly carpet from the room Dad’s in, then we rearranged the room.

Ma gave me $10 for helping out, then we went to the mall where I got 3 journals, and to Old America where I got 2 doggie mugs. Now I have 7. I have a Lhasa Apso, Golden Retriever, Maltese, Sheltie, Collie, and two Irish Setters.

Tom dropped me off after we got some ice cream and then Tom returned to his parent’s house to put up rails in the bathroom.

After he dropped me off I did 3 loads of laundry. I washed and hung dry them figuring I’d do Tom a favor so he wouldn’t have to come home after working so hard and dry 3 loads of laundry. Well, little did I know just how much I was really helping him, cuz he came home with an upset stomach.

The last time he saw Evie, he said she looked 7-8 months pregnant. When I asked why she hadn’t said anything, he said that’s just one of Evie’s and David’s stupid ways. They supposedly never told anyone else that they moved till they actually did.

Evie and David are really selfish, though I understand David’s stress. However, they use their kid as an excuse not to do their fair share of helping out with mom and dad and not to pay Tom back for helping them move. They keep talking about it, though, and Tom and Mom and Dad were the only ones who knew they were moving. still, I wish Ray, Nora, Evie, and David would get off their lazy asses and stop sticking 80% of the work on Tom and 20% of the work on Mary.

I just wonder, will we ever have time for ourselves?! Will we ever be able to screw more than once a week? I told Tom that he could go to selfish little Evelyn’s next Saturday due to how my schedule will be then. Plus, I’ll be ragging and cramping and not up to doing too much.

Tom said that he was excited, actually, when I told him we did it mid-cycle till he remembered that it takes a 30-year-old time to adapt to hormone changes. He said that that’s why he thinks it’ll take till September or October. Makes sense to me, God permitting. If I never got pregnant the 10 or so times I was dumb enough to not use protection when I was 21 (thank God I didn’t, though), one pop as a 30-year-old ain’t gonna do it. If it were really possible for me to conceive, then I’d think it’d take many, many months, but I hope not. Tom said that there was a 75% chance that an egg was fertilized last week, but of course, it never could’ve hooked and stayed hooked.

SATURDAY, JULY 13, 1996
Oh, shit! Some people they hired are doing next door’s lawn now, just like the Saturday they had that long wild party. The only good thing about a company doing their yard is that if it were Mike instead, he’d have the Blazer stereo going and maybe the kid with him too. How many people, though, are gonna come do someone’s lawn on a Saturday? This is how I know there’s gonna be a big party and the weather’s suitable enough for it for people like them who can stand the heat. It’s only gonna be 106º today and it’s not as humid. I haven’t heard the kid since the last party on May 18th, but I’ll certainly hear it plus 5 more. Yup, this lawn company definitely isn’t regular since they haven’t been here in nearly a month. They only come when there’s gonna be a party.

Shit! I knew they wouldn’t be gone on weekends for long and that I’d be compensated. When they’re not here on weekends they must be partying at other people’s houses. I’d guess they rotate between 4 or 5 houses.

Well, I better enjoy myself while it lasts, cuz between noon and 2:00, the company will be here. So much for Tom and I having a nice peaceful swim later!

Later…

The landscapers left and boy was that fast.

Now I know that Robin’s visit a few minutes ago was just my imagination telling me what I want to hear. She said they’re not having a party, the weekend will be peaceful, I will have a baby and Tom won’t go back to his old ways.

Then why were they blowing the carport? That’s obvious. It’s so they can eat and entertain there with more coverage than the back patio and to get as close as they can to this house to piss me off, cuz everyone likes to toss their noise on others. It is getting deathly hot and humid out, but these people don’t mind, I’m sure.

I wish their company would call them saying they were sick or just not in the mood to party in the heat and humidity, but no such luck. Most people love a party and free food and being at someone else’s house so they can leave when they feel like it and not have to clean up.

Robin said, though, that I’ll see that everything she’s told me will come true and that she’ll reassure me all I need till I do see it come true.

I don’t know about that. I’m just so afraid of Tom going back to his old ways. What if he never cums again or doesn’t for many months or years?

He’s working on Evelyn’s trailer floor today and I guess she’s paying him well cuz he said to go ahead and make a full-fledged, old-fashioned grocery list, and then when he returns at around 4:00, he’s taking me out to pick up some Chinese food.

He’s been up since around 4 PM and I asked him if he thinks he’ll have energy left for “mutual” sex by the time we get around to it and he said yes.

After he came the last time we screwed last Saturday, he had said he thought it’d be mid-cycle the next Saturday and not that Saturday. What if this scared him that I was mid-cycle when we did it? What if he only meant to cum once just to get me off his back for a while and to get me to believe in him? And also, what if it was a tease? What if he said to himself, “I’ll just cum real good once to get you off my case and believing in me, then if you think I’ll keep cumming and that we’re gonna have a kid, you’re a sucker!”

God, I hope not! I hope I’m not gonna be paying for that day last Saturday with a party and a non-cumming dick! I know there’s gonna be a party, though.

Later…

I still can’t get Tom to divulge the secret, though he still swears it’s got nothing to do with cumming or a kid. He says it’s more like a material thing, but then he said it had to happen in its own time. That’s what he always said about his cumming and the kid and something you have to let “happen in its own time” doesn’t sound like a material thing to me.

I still want to know how he just “knows” I’m not pregnant now. Is it a denial statement? Is it too soon? Is it a vibe, an instinct, an intuition, or does he know something I don’t that makes him so sure? I mean, he is so sure. It’s like he’d be his life on it and yes, I believe him. Well, I’m definitely, definitely not pregnant. And this is even though I have no PMS symptoms.

Please, God! Please don’t let my happiness be short-lived or a joke!

Later…

These people next door are sick to be having a party in another hour or so. Just when I thought it’d be cooler today – uh-uh! It’s so hot my feet fry on the shaded areas of the patio and the pool is like bathwater.

They’re not home now, but that’s part of the plan. Tom says he thinks he plays basketball at a gym on weekends and I agree. So right now he and she are at the gym, then they’ll be returning with their company. Of course, Joely could’ve stayed back to get things ready. I wish they’d hold off the party till early evening when it’s a bit cooler, but like I said, I think these people could take it if it were 120° out and humid. Last night when it was early evening they had their living room windows open (I’m surprised I didn’t hear anything). Yuck! I’d die with the windows open in here at 3:00 in the morning. It’d have to be really dry and no higher than about 80° degrees before I could stand to have windows open at night.

Later…

Damn! Joely either doesn’t drive or doesn’t have a car and she did stay back cuz I can see the front door open. That’s a major heat-tolerant freeloader. I’m sure she’s cleaning and airing the place out for guests. I mean, they will see the place, even though they’ll be outside 99.9% of the time.

Later…

So far, it looks like the party’s gonna be later or tomorrow. I thought they said there were chances for storms over the next few nights, though. Well, I’ll feel a lot better as long as it stays quiet, and even more so if he gets off and shows me it will be a consistent thing. I hope we can do it more than once a week, though, whenever the hell things slow down. Once a week isn’t enough for me and for a couple trying to make a kid, we should do it more often still. We’re not like teenagers or assholes who get pregnant in one pop.

Later…

I figured Tom would be late. He said he’d call if he were gonna be much later than 4:00.

I hope we have time for sex tomorrow! I can’t picture this guy getting off tonight, but hopefully it’ll still be fun enough and that we can play cards and go swimming.

We need the money, yes, but I hope Evelyn doesn’t need Tom fixing stuff that often. One of the problems with a smart husband is that everyone needs him to do or fix something and he’s too nice to say no. Well, hopefully we can soon just take care of ourselves and not other people’s this and other people’s that.

Later…

Well, it’s going on 5:00, and still no Tom. Whether we need the money or not, I’m really sick of 99% of the time being about what we can do for other people. Why does everyone have to dump their problems on Tom? We have our own dreams, goals, and things to do.

He called a couple of times to test her phone. Oh, please don’t tell me she’s got phone problems, too! Call the phone company, Evelyn. That’s what they’re there for.

Well, I doubt he’ll be in before 7:00 or 8:00, so I’d better go entertain myself doing something.

FRIDAY, JULY 12, 1996
How does Tom do that? I mean, how does he know certain stuff? Is he psychic now? He said it’s just his opinion, but it seems more like a gut feeling. Like a vibe. He said that even though he came in me when I was mid-cycle, I’m not pregnant, but that I will be in September or October. OK, since he’s proven himself not to be a liar after all, if he says September or October, then September or October it is.

However, I guess Robin has a different story to tell. Robin came to me last night and said that just cuz Tom has his opinion doesn’t mean it’s right, but that things will still work out and that I don’t need to pray to God for a child, cuz it’s a done deal, anywhere from right now, till I think she said September.

Robin made a comment that I’d be gaining weight soon enough. After I relayed what Tom said, they told me that everyone had a right to their opinion, but to just wait and see who’s wrong and who’s right. Guess that’s all I can do anyway, but right now, as far as I’m concerned, the pessimist in me just can’t see it. Not now, not later, not ever. However, Tom does seem to be 100% confident and sure about his opinion and he sure did prove me wrong about my belief that he’d never cum, so we’ll see.

Later…

Typical Andy! If there’s one thing about him that hasn’t changed over the years, it’s his pushiness. He’s such an opposite-doer. I let him know on his machine yesterday that till Tom’s dad’s gone, he’ll be sleeping on the couch for the most part by the phone in case ma calls. So I asked him to please not call unless it’s very important. What does he do? Goes and calls here and wakes Tom up just to let me know Gloria was on TV. Tom said it was no problem and not to worry, but I do worry. Cuz first of all, Tom needs all the sleep he can get whether or not God’s preparing him for something. And second of all, that was very rude and inconsiderate of Andy. So, I left Andy a message and went over once again, what the definition of important was and told him that if I was up at night, I’d call him.

Later…

I just talked to Minnie, who has been trying to get a hold of me. She moved to Greenfield and is keeping this second kid of hers, who she says she got from a rape, cuz it’s a girl.

Well, because Tom’s cumming now and due to the fact that there’s a chance of us having a kid, regardless of if it’s slim, I’m not as pissed at God. I still kind of am, though, as Minnie’s too young, not ready and I don’t think she deserves it like we do or has paid her dues for it or has wanted it for as long as we have. Too many people get things they either don’t want or don’t care about handed to them on a silver platter, while those who want what they’re getting have to wait years or they never get it.

I wonder what makes Tom so sure I’m not pregnant now. I asked him about it, but he said he couldn’t explain it. Maybe it just takes time for the body parts to learn what to do after so long. Maybe it’ll just take the egg and sperm time to get the message and get the hang of how to make a baby.

Later…

Andy just left a message saying he was sorry he woke Tom up. He said he had forgotten all about it until he called and felt bad about it.

OK. No prob.

Later…

I had an hour’s conversation with Andy. We just bullshitted about odds and ends till he had to get ready for work.

THURSDAY, JULY 11, 1996
Tom and I had a pleasant morning. He went down on me and I did him by hand. He didn’t get off, though, cuz he was pressed for time and very tired. He’s been staying up late by the phone in case Ma calls. He says at least he’ll be built up and ready for the weekend. I hope this weekend will be as wonderful as last and that he doesn’t slip back into his old ways.

Tom was giving classic examples of how people just can’t deal with things that are different and how so many people think they’re better than others. I can kind of relate to the feelings of being superior, though. I wouldn’t say so to others or treat them differently, but I feel superior to most people. I hate society and I just think people, in general, are just too fucked up or too stupid.

Mary has a touch of Tammy in her. Tammy’s always felt superior to me cuz she’s older with 3 kids, etc. Well, according to Tom, Mary’s been treating Dad like a 2-year-old and like she’s so much more responsible and smarter than her brothers (though she is, excluding Tom), and David does nothing but bitch about all the stress he’s under. And I guess Ray’s stupid and Steven doesn’t get it.

Tom said, “Different people deal with things in their own way, but it’s amazing how people want to run scared when something or someone’s different or unusual.”

Oh, I know all about that. That’s why I never had very many friends and so many problems with people. I’m not perfect, either, and this may sound stuck-up and selfish, but the general population just isn’t good enough for me, so I guess we’re even.

I thought I heard those kids out back two yards down. In this fucking heat? Shit! They are gonna practically live out there from September to May if they can be out there in July.

Yes, the heat returned a few days ago, but it’s still a bit humid. It’s perked me back up, though, as the rain had made me energyless. It usually does.

I realize something else about something Gloria and I have in common. True love. If there’s anything I’d change, I’d have Tom be my first and only love, too, and I’d have been here, been ready for him, and been with him as soon as I was legal age.

I cleaned the house yesterday which Tom noticed. I had to really talk myself into getting started, but once I did get started, I was off on a roll. I cleaned the bathroom and the kitchen. I dusted and vacuumed the whole house, then mopped the kitchen floor.

I forgot to mention that I called information to see if there was a Fran P listed within the Springfield area. Not cuz I’d ever want to talk to him again, but cuz I wanted to see if my vibes have been right all along as to why he hasn’t called in so long. Sure enough, there was no Fran P listed, so he’s either dead, in jail, in the funny farm, or without a phone. There’s still also a good chance he lost our number and can’t remember my married name, thank God, otherwise he’d be trying to call here and there from other people’s phones, no doubt, no matter where he was. I’m pretty sure that’s it, cuz Andy’s friend Donna’s grandmother still gets yearly calls in Springfield.

Later…

Got a message on AOL from Tammy, who I also spoke to. She and her family are driving to Florida (they can’t afford to fly) on the 17th, then they’ll return a week later. They’re gonna stay with a friend of Bill’s for a night or two in Orlando, then at Mom and Dad’s for a couple of nights.

I told Tammy I got a faint flicker of a feeling that someone may break into her house while she’s gone, but I hope I’m wrong.

Tom still hasn’t mentioned the secret and now I wonder if he has it in mind to get me pregnant, then say that was the secret. Meaning, maybe he’ll come out and tell me yes, he planned everything this way. I don’t know, though, it really does seem like he just needed an unusually extra-long time to develop with me sexually. I just hope 3 of my worst fears don’t come true. 1. That he returns to not cumming. 2. That I can’t get pregnant. 3. That I do get pregnant but lose it.

Later…

I sang and watched some TV, but now I think I’ll go play computer games and maybe do some drawing.

Later…

So much for trying to eat hotdogs outside without getting hounded by all those birds.

It’s so cool how things have changed for the better for us, besides his cumming. At first I felt like we weren’t physical enough, we didn’t have sex enough and he didn’t cum. Now he cums and we have sex more often and are more physical with each other even when we’re not having sex. I love it this way. Of course, I never thought I’d ever say that or feel that way, too.

I’m a person who loves to analyze things and play detective, so that’s what I’m gonna do now. When I think back to yesterday, I find it pretty weird that the mailman would deliver next door’s phone bill, then return 10 minutes later with our mail. See, I think this is an intentional game he’s playing. I haven’t seen any of the mail carriers around here in ages, but shortly after I got here, and for quite a while after, there was a regular mailman. He liked me. I mean, I could tell he was attracted to me, even though he never said one word about it or anything else other than “Hello” and “How are you?” Maybe he’s been misdelivering the mail with the hopes that I’ll go out and talk to him about it face-to-face. And that way, he’d get to see me again.

I hope to hell Wendy doesn’t call like hell this weekend, cuz we probably won’t be able to ignore the phone in case his mom calls. She’s called 100 times in the last few weeks and it really pisses me off how I’m trying to have a conversation with my husband who I don’t get to see that much due to all this stuff with his dad, then she calls. I wanted to say something like, “Look. The man’s super busy. His dad’s dying. I don’t get to see him that much, so back off, OK?”

But Tom assured me that if he felt bugged by her he’d let her know. I hope so, cuz most of the time he’s just too damn nice and he’s got too much patience and tolerance. These are great qualities to have but within reason. And so what if she doesn’t bug him yet? She bugs me!

Later…

I just got an idea. Well, I’m taking my time writing up Andy’s journal little by little, since I want to stretch it right to before his birthday which is February 15th. As I write little chunks of it, I’ll copy it into my journals so that I have it written, as well as on the computer. I’ll start with what I’ve got so far. Whenever I’m copying stuff from Andy’s journal, I’ll put an AJ at the start and end of each chunk I copy. I’ll omit all the AJs from my typed version of these journals, cuz it has its own file.

Looks like little Miss Joely next door has no car. That old guy drops her off.

Well, well. No wonder I haven’t heard them. Perhaps they’ve decided to grant my request? Mike just came in with the music so low, I could barely hear it. Let’s hope it stays that way and for no longer than 20 seconds.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 10, 1996
I was watching a case of 2 babies switched at birth on Court TV. One died at age 9 and the other, now 14, went to court to cut off her biological parents cuz she wanted to remain with her family that she’s always known. A psychologist testified it’d be detrimental to her well-being and state of mind, so the judge let her stay where she was. It’s about time judges paid more attention to psychology and not biology. If I could have, I’d certainly have stayed with Anna and Harry. Not gone home, to other foster homes, hospitals, or schools.

Things have been too good to be true. First, I desperately wanted to be a singer, then I desperately wanted to be with a woman, then I wanted him to cum and for us to have a kid. Well, we have no kid yet, but it sure feels great not having some long-term overwhelming issue to deal with, unless it turns out something’s wrong with me. I hope not! This wonderful time and feeling have a scary side too, for I always wonder if there is a catch. Is something bad gonna happen now, like my inability to conceive? Or something else? Will something else go terribly wrong and stay that way indefinitely? Am I foolish to hope for a child? Love, a child and being a singer are probably the things I’ve wanted or want the most in life. I got the love, but will we be so blessed as to receive the gift of a child? Oh, I just hope this isn’t a case of enjoy-the-happy-moment-while-it-lasts, cuz the shit shall once again hit the fan, that is, of course, excluding the things we expect, like with Tom’s dad. He’s really near the end and now he’s seeing things. The cat they don’t have came running into his room and he goes out to the living room, looks at his empty chair and says, “How ya doin’?”

The birds and I have a new game. Ring around the pool. Yup, they like to follow me around the pool. So Piggy and I have our games and so do the birds and I.

Later…

Now I know the woman’s full name next door. Her phone bill was delivered here. I figured it was only a matter of time before the mailman delivered a piece of their mail here and I’d learn their full name. I guess the house is pretty much in her name. I brought the bill over there and threw it on the porch with a note saying that the mailman frequently misdelivers mail and to please toss any of ours they get into our mail slot. I know they won’t, though. Anyone who has a problem with the simple request of turning down their music on their way in and out isn’t gonna return someone else’s mail.

At least they have been quiet since it’s been really hot and I haven’t heard any music. They’re out a lot. Once the weather cools down, then I’m sure that’ll be a different story, but I’ll deal with it then.

I said I wouldn’t worry till New Year’s came and I wasn’t pregnant by then, but actually, I’ll really wonder if I get my period on the 20th, since we did it on a day where a woman has an excellent chance of conceiving. I would think that if a woman gets sprayed in 14 days after her period, she not only could be pregnant, but she should be pregnant. That is totally prime time for that.

I wonder if the inflamed cervix they say I always seem to have can cause problems. I guess not, though, cuz I’d assume that if that were possible, that Dr. Rugg I saw would’ve brought it up.

I didn’t try to see through the envelope for next door’s number, cuz I can’t imagine ever really having anything of importance to say to them. Besides, if I really had something to say, I’d go over there and say it in person.

I imagine these journals will go slower now that I don’t have so much shit to bitch about and discuss all my fears, doubts and suspicions about Tom since that’s gone.

God, please let this peace and happiness continue! Please don’t let some hefty compensation hit me! Please let us have a child!

I designed 4 journal covers. I did roses, other flowers, cactuses and a Yucca plant. There are 3 more covers that I’ll be doing.

Later…

Tomorrow my parents should get my brief, but blunt letter telling them I can’t deal with rude and selfish people. I wonder if my dad will write me a letter like the one he wrote to me when I was on Bell Rd. The one saying how upset he was that I’d talk to his wife that way, no one’s perfect, etc. Hey, I got a right to speak my mind so they can cry over it all they want. The question is, do I really give a shit anymore if he does? The more years that go by that they don’t seem to care about treating me the way they should treat me or anyone else for that matter, the less I care about them and their feelings.

Tom probably won’t be home for a few hours yet. He’s picking up groceries, as well as getting a new knob for the door of his parent’s microwave.

We’ve had very little time for sex, but hopefully this weekend will be as wonderful as last weekend was.

Linda will be 49 on the 15th of this month. She’s really getting up there. Gloria will be 37 or 38 this September 1st, then on September 2nd is hers and Emilio’s anniversary. I guess they’ll be married for about 18 years.

TUESDAY, JULY 9, 1996
The night before last I saw an interview with Gloria and I really realized, Linda inspired me vocally and Gloria inspired me personally. She’s such a great person who’s so very blessed. She’s got the world in her hands. There’s nothing more she needs or wants and if there is, no problem, she can get it. I should envy her with her family, a career she loves, money and she’s so close to her family. From what I hear, her parents (even though her father’s dead), her grandmother, and her sister are great people. I saw her sister Becky for the first time and yuck! Big fat ugly mama and she doesn’t really look too much like Gloria, any more than Gloria’s mother does.

I heard a tape of Gloria singing when she was around 10 and I was shocked to hear how much she sounded like I did when I was 10. Amazing how two voices can sound the same at one age, then develop into two totally different-sounding voices.

Yesterday Tom and I opened the two eggs that were in the nest since Mama Bird abandoned it a few weeks ago. One had just clear liquid in it and the other had a bird that had just begun developing. It may have been too hot in that particular area. I wonder if they’ll next there again next year.

Yesterday Robin said she won’t tell me yes, something hooked last Saturday, or no, it didn’t hook, but she did say something about there being a good chance. I’ve been feeling wonderful emotionally and that’s very important to me and I really appreciate it and thank God for it.

Robin says she won’t be around as much cuz I don’t need her like her sister back east needs her, but she’ll still look out for me.

Later…

Since 2 AM it’s been raining. In the middle of the night, it rained like hell and there was massive thunder and lightning. It’s a wonder we never lost the power. I’ve barely been up for 9 hours, yet I feel tired. I’m sure it’s the weather. It’s no bright, sunny scorcher out. They say it’ll only hit 100º today which is quite a drop from the 112º it was.

I hope they don’t party this weekend. They’ve been so peacefully quiet, but it’s probably only due to the weather. I took advantage of the weather and deep-fried chicken wings and French fries earlier which gives off heat. Now I’m making spag, so I’m sitting out in the kitchen as I write.

Andy called yesterday to tell me he made it for the 8th time with Quinn. Well good for him, but I wish Quinn would stop stringing Andy along so much.

MONDAY, JULY 8, 1996
I’ve completely dumped my parents and I mean it. This is it. But like I’ve always said, life’s about getting and giving stuff up and being compensated. This is my compensation for our sex lives being fully developed, but believe me, I have no regrets. I did the right thing. I’m tired of not being able to be me and not being able to talk about what I want and my life and what’s going on with me. I have too much self-respect for myself to deal with such a rude selfish person like my mom. Whether a person’s a relative or not, I can’t associate with those who want me to be like them and who only want me to say what they want to hear. I have never stopped my parents from talking about whatever they want, be it stuff I like or stuff I don’t like or care about. A part of me wants to just dump the whole family and be rid of them all and never ever go back to New England. I don’t care about Florida and I hate New England, so why should I go visit or associate with people I may love, but with people who, for the most part, I don’t like?

SUNDAY, JULY 7, 1996
I haven’t felt so good in so long. So relaxed, so carefree, and definitely more hopeful. I don’t know what I feel the most: shock, happiness, or guilt. I really, really thought he was playing with me all this time. I had no idea that some people just needed time to develop sexually. I always thought that if a guy didn’t cum, it was due to a physical problem, them not being attracted to the one they were with, or fear of a kid. I also had no idea that a sexual problem could instantly be fixed (unless this is a once-in-a-lifetime thing).

It’s amazing too, that this all happened when I was mid-cycle, but I’m not gonna get my hopes up too high. I’m not completely negative about it, anymore, either. Now it’s all in God’s hands to decide whether to give us a child or not. Yes, I do fear compensation and that God may replace this issue with something new, but I hope not. If he does, though, it’ll hopefully be a joke and not last for 2½ years.

I feel so much more normal now and now I can just concentrate on having fun, rather than that and trying to measure up and be good enough as well.

From what Robin says, I’ll be pregnant soon, but like I said, I don’t want to get my hopes up too high, even though I now believe I have a chance.

This has really boosted my love for Tom, even though sex is just a part of a relationship. I am so blessed and so lucky to have a guy like him and I fully trust him. This means so much to me that he could tell me every day for 20 years that he was gonna do the cigarette machine and not do it, cuz I fully know now, that if it’s something I need that really matters, he’ll be there. Even though anything’s possible, how lucky I am to know that the chances are pretty much 0 that he’d leave me with or without a kid or cheat on me.

This wonderful feeling I have now totally overrides all that depression, anger, and frustration I went through. It feels so good to feel the way I do now. I feel like I haven’t felt this way for about two years. If it turns out I’m sterile, yes, there’d be some sadness and anger, but nothing compared to if I never got the chance to try if Tom had never cum.

According to Tom, Minnie called when I was asleep. Just when I think she dropped off the face of the earth, she calls. She had no important message for me. She just wanted to say hi and see how my ear was.

Tom went over to his parents’ place today and they have some kid’s TV dinners and there were some Western-style stencils in one of them and he asked Ma if I could have it cuz there was a cactus. There’s a cactus, a hat, a boot, a horse, a snake, and a horseshoe and I decorated Larry’s next envelope with them.

SATURDAY, JULY 6, 1996
I was waiting for KHITS to play a song I requested, but as usual, they didn’t. They said they had the song, but it’s always, “I’ll try to get that on for you.” Never, “we will” or “we won’t” get that on for you.

Got a letter from Kim with a boring Bob letter she enclosed which she added some lines and words to. She used another one of those cat cards she has and I’m gonna take a shot at drawing it later.

I drew in my sketchbook, some of the flowers, birds, and cactuses I had drawn on sheets of paper that I’d stuck in plastic protector folders and put in my photo album. This way I can have some of my favorite ones in my sketchbook. I also did an elephant and maybe I’ll draw in more copies of my photo album drawings. Except for the people ones. I still haven’t done any journal covers yet.

Yesterday Tom said we’d definitely spend time together and that he’d adapt his schedule to mine (since he’s the only one here who can do that). I don’t know how serious he is, though. I don’t know if this is a tease or what he really has in mind, but he won’t be able to blame my behavior, cuz I’m not gonna say anything. I want to see what he does on his own or what God may do. I want to see what positions Tom will do and for how long till something hurts or he gets tired or sick.

I’m 14 days after my last period began. There’s got to be some catch waiting for me. If we screw, if he doesn’t say anything about cumming, I’m gonna say something like, “I could tell you had at least a mini orgasm.” I want to see if he goes along with it as a tease or uses bogus mini orgasms as a way off the hook and a way to make me believe the only reasons I never got pregnant were due to the DES and God. If he says he didn’t really cum, then maybe he’d have a couple of reasons for that. One might be that he’d look forward to and expect to see a look of such disappointment on my face and he’d be thinking to himself, “Ha, ha! You’re still not getting pregnant, but for a minute you thought you just might, you sucker!” The other reason might be so as to stop me from getting my hopes up for nothing. We’ll just have to wait and see.

Gloria’s fan club is worse than Tom. A couple of weeks ago they sent a letter promising me stuff they never sent. They promised to send stuff in May, then June and now it’s July.

Later…

I did the cat picture on Kim’s card. It’s got lots of detail to it. The cat’s hanging over a fancy box and then there’s a hat and there’re fancy baseboards and wallpaper. I altered my colors a bit for originality. I’m happy with how it came out and I think Tom will like it.

Now I’m gonna go check out a movie that’s coming on soon.

Later…

Tom got up about an hour ago, drank a shake, then went swimming with me. It was funny, cuz after he got out of the water, he was like, where’s my nose? You know, the thing that pinches your nose shut so you don’t get water up it? Even I was air-headed for a moment there, cuz I didn’t notice he was wearing it around his head like a bandanna till we came in the house.

One of the birds charged and ran towards him as he got out of the pool. He must’ve thought Tom had some seeds. This one chases me too, and walks anxiously in front of me like a cat or a dog would that’s waiting to be fed.

I had a dream about Nervous last night. Nervous hates hot climates, so I thought it was really weird that I’d run into him in a shopping plaza here in Phoenix. Especially when he’s supposed to be dead. So I called out, “Nervous!”

But he just looked at me as if he didn’t know me. I said, “Nervous” again, but he still looked confused. Then I said, “Kevin T?”

He shook his head, saying that wasn’t him. Then he said that Kevin T was his name and that he didn’t know me. Then I woke up.

As expected, Tom shows no desire for sex and doesn’t seem horny at all, but we’ll see. If he initiates sex, it probably won’t be till toward the end of my day. I’m sure he’s gonna want to wait till the last minute, right as I’m getting really tired, so as to get as far as he can into his day, so he’s more tired and less apt to be able to screw longer, if at all.

Later…

Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! Tom came like hell! Yes, he really did! I just don’t believe it, but I do! It was as obvious as this black print. I am so shocked and happy, yet you can bet your ass I feel so guilty! And all this time I called him a liar. Never will there ever be any room in my mind to doubt Tom about sex and a kid (unless God still forbids me to conceive). Nor do I have any room left in my mind to doubt Robin. She’s been absolutely right so far.

FRIDAY, JULY 5, 1996
I didn’t hear very many fireworks at all last night.

They just came home next door quietly. They seem to be leaving earlier and returning later which is perfectly OK with me.

Robin came to talk to me yesterday in the wee hours of the morning. She’s still saying the same things - Tom’s not lying, I’ll be pregnant soon, and don’t worry about my schedule or handling things.

Tom says no, not all women feel it when a guy cums in her. Kim said that too, but is this really true, or is he saying it so he can lie about cumming? Why do I feel he’d rather find a way for me to believe the DES sterilized me, rather than it be his fault for really not cumming?

Anyway, I told him I was gonna try real hard to take him for face value and that I was gonna fully put my trust into his hands and he can either prove himself honest or really break my heart and play with my head.

He says that the only reason he’s seemed emotionless and unsurprised over this cumming is cuz he knew he would eventually do so. He also says the reason why he hasn’t felt sad or angry over not having a kid is cuz he doesn’t believe we can’t have one.

I wonder, though, why didn’t he tell me when we first met that there have been some women he’s never cum with if that were the case?

Later…

I just worked out, which I still am doing nearly every day. I see a difference in my gut and inner thighs, but I still have an awful lot of craters in the backs of my thighs.

I did some reading and finished up my floral frames in my sketchbook. Maybe later I’ll start working on journal covers. The plain white ones.

When I told Tom how I believe we’ll be hit with one thing after another after his dad goes, he said almost anything else that could happen would be nothing compared to losing his father. According to Tom, his dad’s the greatest person he’s ever known. I think the only things worse than his dad dying, in his opinion, would probably be if the house burned down, if his computer stuff all disappeared, if I died or left, and if I got pregnant. After all, I don’t have to try taking him for face value in my journals.

I had some funny dreams last night. Tom and I lived in some other house that sort of had split levels, was a little bigger, and had two stories. It had a weird design, but as an artist, I like that sort of thing. I only remember a couple of quick scenes. There was a room that was sort of like a good-sized pantry with big, long, fat, unfinished wooden shelves. I told Tom I picked an area on the shelves for all his magazines. Tom said, “Oh, no. My magazines won’t touch unfinished wood. I won’t have that.” So we agreed to get paint for the shelves. Later, though, after I saw he never got the paint, I questioned him about it and he said, “Why do you always take me so seriously? Don’t you know some people just like to make small talk? I was never really gonna get paint.” So I told him I was gonna use the shelves for myself. As I was in the process of putting stuff on them, my first cousins Lori and Lisa G showed up to give me old clothes of theirs. They didn’t look like Lori and Lisa really do, though, cuz both their figures were just right. In reality, Lori’s bone-thin and Lisa’s huge. Of course, they were geeky clothes from the 70s and all I like from the 70s is its music.

Then, Tom was coming up the stairs with some girl in her early 20s and they didn’t know I was just waking up and coming out of my room when I heard Tom say, “We have to be quiet, cuz if we wake my wife up, we’ll get bitched out.” Then they giggled.

As I was walking to a little store, in the dream, one of my birds jumped on my shoulder. When I entered the store, a guy behind the counter said, “Oh, no. You’re not coming in here with that.” So I explained to him how I just needed a few things, I’d be real quick, and trying to get the bird off my shoulder and to stay home did me no good. I also told him that if the bird crapped, it wouldn’t crap on the floor, cuz it’d hit my back first. Then I began walking home and ran into a couple of people I knew. As we began chatting all my birds came and flew in all around us. I reassured the people not to panic or worry, they were just my birds and my flock always followed me. Then I was on my way to bed again. The birds were in the house, so I ran real fast into my room and slammed the door so they couldn’t follow me in there. They tried to fly in with me. Then I scanned the room to make sure there were no birds in there so I could go to bed.

Weird dreams, huh? I told Tom, who got a kick out of it.

Now I’m gonna go write a little in Andy’s journal, before decorating a journal cover.

Later…

Tom’s up now. He told me to wake him up at 5:00, but the other day he told me he liked the idea of getting up at 4:30. I guess it’s to leave us no time for sex. He takes a half-hour to get ready, almost a half-hour to eat, then he needs time to digest.

I really feel that the reason why he hasn’t touched me goes beyond the stress he’s been having. He himself said his dad’s situation didn’t stop him from cumming and that cumming or not cumming has lots of factors involved. I think part of it is his patience pushing game, to make me wait to see what he does next time. Meaning that he probably knows I’m anxious to have sex again to see what happens, so he’s keeping me in suspense.

If he really did cum, he’s still acting very scared and nervous about us screwing. Especially at this time of the month. Tomorrow I’m mid-cycle and watch - without my saying a word about it, he won’t touch me tomorrow, so it isn’t a matter of my behavior. It’s both him and God I’m sure. Tom believes, though, that there are 10 days a month a woman’s fertile. Not 1-3. Well, I’ve always heard and read it’s 14 days after your period that you’re most likely to conceive and I think he knows this, too. The two times he claimed to cum were both times when it was virtually impossible to get pregnant. If he touches me tomorrow, I wouldn’t be surprised if he only wanted to go down on me or screw sideways.

THURSDAY, JULY 4, 1996
I don’t want to see any of the Little House stuff live. I’ll watch it when it’s over in a couple of hours so I can zip through the commercials. I’m sure I’ve already seen all these shows and movies anyway.

I’m gonna go now and color in my floral outline. First, though, if he really came the last time we screwed, then it’s scared him to death, cuz he hasn’t touched me since. He went down on me earlier, but that was only cuz I asked him to.

What is it with these people? Tom and his mother say they notice I’m not hearing as well and Andy said I was being like a one-eared person again, but I haven’t noticed it. I don’t think I’ve noticed any problems, anyway. My good ear was itching, though, so I dewaxed it.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 3, 1996
Yesterday morning I left Tom a message saying I was sorry for bringing up my problems when he’s got enough of his own. I told him that the only thing that didn’t go over well with me was when he said he wouldn’t associate with me if I danced. He later clarified me on that, though. He said it wasn’t that he’d not associate with me ever, but that he wouldn’t want to associate with me if I felt my boredom and my need to work right this minute were more important than his dad. I don’t think my boredom or need to have more responsibility and my desire to fulfill my dreams is ever more important than anything in his eyes. He said, though, that other than this stuff with his dad, if his arm fell off, my worries and dreams would be more important.

Yeah, right! I still don’t know if I can believe he really came. But only he can know what his body really felt. This is just like that other time 2.5 years ago. Will another 2.5 years go by before he claims to have another orgasm?

I was at Andy’s earlier and he still says what I always thought - that a woman should feel a guy cum in her. But Kim says guys have cum in her for sure, but she couldn’t feel it. I just don’t know what to make of all this or what to believe. Andy agrees that it sounds too good to be true and that yes, he’s probably lying. Why would he bother to lie, I asked? Andy’s answer was, cuz Tom’s an American and we’re all uptight about sex and that some people don’t like sex. Well, he sure likes hard-ons more often these days.

Shortly after he came home, he said he needed to talk and I told him, “You said you were sick of me. And I needed to talk to you yesterday and got nowhere, so why should I listen to you?”

He said that was fair, then, “I take that back. This is not fair. Every other time I’ve listened to you and I shouldn’t be punished for not hearing you out last night or being able to deal with it cuz I had a problem and my state of mind wasn’t great.”

Yeah, he had a point, but it wasn’t every other time that he’s listened to me and dealt with me. Every few times, or so, he just can’t tolerate what I have to say and he’d rather not hear it. I’m sorry I burdened him, though, with stuff he and anyone else could never fix or help. I’m sorry I brought up shit he doesn’t want to hear, can’t deal with, can’t understand and that turns him off. I shouldn’t bring it up ever, but especially not while his father’s dying.

Time will tell if he’s lying about phase 2. Right now, though, it just seems like pure bullshit that’s too good to be true.

I wasn’t at Andy’s long. Due to it being so hot and kind of humid, it was too hot in his place with the EC and his AC was broken and useless.

I surprisingly got more done on the cat than expected and next time I’ll finish it for sure.

I never met Laura cuz she was asleep. That “art thing” she had for me was just tracing paper. I told Andy to thank her anyway, but I didn’t want it. I already have some that I never use.

He gave me a black and white picture of Gloria that’s about 18” tall and 5” wide. It’s OK. It’s just there, but not bad. I put it in the kitchen.

The shower curtain he gave us is gorgeous. It’s totally me with soft splashes of pastel colors in a faint flower design. It just brought our tiny bathroom to life. The other one was too dark and kind of ugly, but this one’s bright and cheerful.

I showed Andy the journals he’s never seen and my latest artwork. He was quite impressed. He loved this journal and the floral design with all kinds of plants, flowers, colors and detail.

Tammy should get her floral envelope today, if not yesterday and I’m mailing some out today to my parents, Larry and Anna and Harry.

Later…

Got another plate in the mail I didn’t pay for. It’s of a little girl playing with a bunny. So now I have 6 plates and I would’ve had 7 if I didn’t accidentally smash one a few years ago.

Remember the message I left on AOL to find Robin? Well, here are the two different replies I got from them. Parts of them anyway. It said:

Your announcement in “Missing but not Forgotten” section will probably be read by someone who can help you. When you submit your announcement, you grant GL staff and its affiliates the privilege of reproducing and distributing it unaltered, in any digital form, and indefinitely. This means you give us the “privilege” or permission to print your unaltered announcement in GL newsletter or Webzine for as long as possible. Announcements in this free section will be published for about 2-3 months. If the missing persons are still not located after that time period, the announcements will be posted in GL 96 Webzine for about 1 year.

After I replied to this and asked how to post my name and other stuff, I got a second reply saying:

Jodi,

I’ve condensed your announcement to 3 lines:

Pls help me find a former counselor, Robin R., at Camp Naomi (now Camp Nashobe North) in Raymond, ME. 20 years ago was 5’ 5” (160 cm), slim, brown hair & eyes, with small, furry mutt. Pls write Jodi O. (email addy) w/ any info.

Then they asked me to verify its accuracy and I told them to go ahead and post it. This is hardly enough info, but all the info in the world will do me no good. I just had to do this for the hell of it, though. How do they know if someone’s located a person after 2-3 months in order to know whether to post it in that other area for a year?

Later…

Tom’s up now and I’ll probably be up another few hours. Don’t know what I’ll do, though. Maybe I’ll draw.

I’m watching Linda Ronstadt and Aaron Neville now, performing at the White House. I was hoping she’d do that Dreams to Dream song, but so far, she hasn’t.

She looks terrible. No wonder she always wears black. She’s so fat and has such a fat neck, face, and double chin.

I got a nice Little House treat. They’re doing a tribute to Michael Landon, so I’m taping 9 hours’ worth of movies they’re running now.

I don’t believe Linda’s singing You’re No Good. I haven’t heard her do her older stuff from the 70s and 80s in ages.

I forgot to say, but my announcement about Robin won’t be posted/published till July 14th. I wonder how many people will leave me false clues and leads? Will anyone just “think” they can help me?

Linda was just saying how she and Aaron can see each and every one of the audience members and they’re not used to that. They aren’t? Haven’t they done enough daytime concerts outdoors by now?

The hit floral envelopes I’ve been doing, I’m now doing in my sketchbook. I still haven’t begun decorating journals yet. I just did a quick half-assed set of flowers in the back of this book.

TUESDAY, JULY 2, 1996
I still feel so trapped and like I’m in a rut I’ll never get out of. I don’t want to take medication to help numb my emotions cuz that costs money and side effects. I can’t do what I want to do in life, I can’t get up the nerve to settle, and I don’t want to do nothing forever.

I thoroughly regret talking to Tom about my feelings and concerns. His dad’s number one now, not me and my problems. But in talking to him, I really learned just how selfish, manipulative, and controlling he really is. He told me that I’m free to do what I want and that he’ll always love me, but he won’t want to associate with me if I dance and he won’t drive me there for an audition.

See? I always knew I had to be only what he wants me to be. I would never say that to someone I’m supposed to love. I would never not drive them to wherever they wanted to go and tell them that I wouldn’t associate with them just cuz they were doing something I didn’t agree with. He doesn’t want me to dance. He won’t allow me a child, so what does that leave me with? Just his false promises? He’s got the sperm and he’s in control of that, but I’ll bet you if I could just yank it inside me, the truth would come out and he’d tell me he wouldn’t associate with me if I got pregnant. I always have to be and do what he wants me to be and do. All my life I’ve had dreams that I couldn’t turn into reality cuz there was something or someone in my way or it was something I just couldn’t do anyway. Am I ever gonna have a dream that’s realistic that I can get into and maintain and handle without God or other people stopping me?

If he really did cum and if we really are (or were), in phase 2 like he said to me earlier, then did God influence my mood to come out and make us both worse to send him back in time sexually? If he was lying, then is that why he said he didn’t want me on birth control after agreeing with me to ditch all our plans? Did he say no to birth control figuring he’d just go back to his old ways of not cumming, if he did cum at all, or did he not cum, knows it, and said no cuz he intends to keep not cumming?

The reason why I suggested dropping all our plans, the cigarette machine, the kid and whatever else, is cuz I thought it’d be the only way to help make things better. This way I’ll only have to feel sad about never being able to have these things anyway. But I should feel less angry, cuz now there’ll be nothing for him to have promised me that he didn’t deliver on to piss me off. If he just doesn’t promise me anything, whether he meant to keep his promise or not, and whether God would allow it or not, then maybe I’ll have less reason to be angry at him. Just sad over knowing I’ll never get the things I really want.

He said he was sick of me and turned all my feelings that I had for him and life into an attack on me. I asked him if he’s sick of me, does he want me gone?

No, he said.

Well, I don’t want to be around anyone who’s sick of me, so I’ll just stay away from him as much as I can. I wish I could fight back and take and control him for a change and really show him what it’s like to be molded into something someone else wants him to be, but I just can’t do that. I can’t stoop myself that low and not feel guilty and if I’ve ever controlled him in any way, it was never intended. But how would he like it if I told him that if he went to the racetrack I wouldn’t associate with him? How would he like it if I promised him things that meant little and a lot to him and never came through with my promise? And all the while appear like I don’t understand or want to help us in any way. He never wanted to go to a doctor and he never will. He’d do anything to keep things as they are. The only changes he won’t fight are those that suit him. He’d love to have the bills paid and all kinds of computer goodies, which is fine, but he’ll do anything to keep me from getting pregnant no matter what the price is. Speaking of prices, I really firmly believe that first, he’s gonna desperately find some cover-up as to why we could never have a kid to try to use that as a legit excuse. But if that doesn’t work, he’ll say anything, unless he ever just comes out and spits out the truth.

What made him the way he is? I know no one’s perfect and I know we all have our dark sides, but how can such a great person have such a tremendously dark, dark, dark side at the same time? Why can’t he admit all his fears and all the things he doesn’t want in life? Why only some of them? Does he really get off telling me what I want to hear whether he’s telling the truth or not? When I factor in everything I’ve ever done wrong in this relationship, it doesn’t seem that the punishment of lying about a kid fits the crime. And also, if I were that bad in his eyes, then what does he want me around for? What else could’ve happened to him in his life to make him the way he is? Who else could’ve hurt him to make him this way? This control, lying and denial can’t be just because. It’s got to have stemmed from somewhere.

The fact that he agreed with me to throw away our plans tells me yet again that he’s a liar. He says he never gives up and doesn’t believe in quitting. Maybe he’s gonna use this agreement as the perfect way to get off the hook and cover for the truth, but who the fuck knows? Who the fuck knows anything for sure anymore? Half the things in this world I see or hear are total bullshit. Just an illusion. Nothing’s always as it appears to look or sound.

Sometimes I don’t know what’s worse, the lies he’s told me, or the fact that he denies lying to me. Will he ever admit he never wanted a kid? Will he ever admit that he sometimes got a kick out of not doing things he said he would or doing them much later? Instead of helping Wendy with her computer problems, he could’ve worked on the cigarette machine, but it seems he spends the bulk of his free time in front of the TV or at the computer. I know he doesn’t have a whole heck of a lot of free time, but isn’t there any way he can balance and organize his time better? Maybe that’s just something that’s easier for him to say or think about than do, just like it’s easier for me to wish I could quit smoking or cut down than do so.

I asked Tammy if she felt it was possible for him to have a missed orgasm. At first she wasn’t sure, then she said she guessed so. I don’t know what to believe, but I still feel that as sad and as hard as it is, I must forget about all my dreams as much as I can and keep my mouth shut. All the talk and wishing in the world won’t bring my dreams to reality anyway. That’s why they call them “dreams,” cuz a dream is just that - a dream.

Yesterday Tom peeked into the nest out back while Mama Bird was gone. There were two eggs in there, but who knows if they’re fertile?

MONDAY, JULY 1, 1996
A few days ago, in my email, there was a message about two new free areas and one of the highlights was ‘Lost, but not Forgotten’. So I checked it out and there were a couple of ads from people looking for other people. I replied to this thing and let them know I was looking for someone too. Then they replied to my message saying something about how I wanted my name published and then they mentioned shortening my ad. So, I asked them to be more specific as to what they mean by how I want my name published. Do they want my screen name or my maiden and married name, which may be helpful? Do they want me to rewrite my ad? Do they want me to give additional information? We’ll see what they say, and I also left a message for Tom to give me his feedback and or advice. They said something about it being posted for 3 months in one place, then if that doesn’t help me, they’ll post it elsewhere for a year.

Is this a coincidence? I just begged God and Robin to please help me get her real name. I guess the curiosity has rekindled itself, but I can’t say I’m as curious as I was last year when this all began. I can bet all these journals, though, that I’ll never find out a damn thing about her. Robin was right about this weekend. Not a sound other than a few 10-second music sessions as they were coming in. It was tolerable, though, and wouldn’t wake me up or shake the house down.

I just don’t know about all this other stuff, though. It just seems too unreal. To think that Tom will be getting off regularly after all this time is almost as far-fetched of an idea as is the idea of me getting pregnant. I told him earlier that if he had a mini orgasm, it should be a regular thing from now on and that it’s hard to believe we’re in phase 2 now, which is waiting to see if the DES got me as I fear it has (besides God). We agreed to give it a few months, though, and I told him that if I weren’t pregnant by New Year’s, then it’s over. At least I can feel better about knowing I can’t have a kid cuz God and the DES said so and not him.

What if he’s lying, though? What if he never came at all and never will, but will still insist that he did be it slightly or immensely? Is he now thinking, “Great. She believes I’m cumming when I’m really not and this is my ticket to getting off the hook. Now she can blame just God and the DES and not me.” He was acting kind of weird too. He had a look about him as if to suggest he was saying to me in his head, “You’re dreaming. I haven’t cum and I won’t cum.” He also seemed to possess a look of guilt. That time I went off on him with how he comes through on his word to others, but not me, was the first time he seemed guilty and like he realized what this has done to me, so maybe that’s why he hasn’t touched me all weekend. Maybe he’s just now really starting to feel guilty about lying before and about lying now, if this is truly the case. He says I didn’t do anything to turn him off and that he’s just been tired. He also seemed emotionless and not at all surprised about cumming. I’d think that if I truly couldn’t cum, but then did, I’d be elated. Especially if I wanted to enjoy how great it feels and especially if I wanted a kid.

I asked him if this were his secret. He hesitated a moment, then said no.

He said I seemed absent-minded yesterday and like something was bothering me, but nope. Nothing’s bothering me other than the usual bullshit. I just hope he’s telling the truth and that I just didn’t set myself up to fall into a trap. Has my willingness to take him and Robin for face value gotten him off the hook if he really is lying? Is this gonna cause him to swear he’s been cumming and therefore tell me I have no right to be angry at him and that we need not see a doctor? Did I just let him off the hook and provide him with the perfect cover-up for the truth if he’s still lying?

I asked him if it was cuz his missed orgasm scared him or worried him or made him feel overwhelmed in any way and he said no. I asked him if he’s ever had a missed orgasm before in his life and he said he’s had a wide variety of orgasms. Then why did he say, “I think I know what you mean about a missed orgasm,” the last time we screwed as if it was his first one?

I told Tom that if I was absent-minded today, it was probably mainly due to the heat and shock. I told him it hasn’t hit me yet that we’re in phase 2 and that he came and will do so regularly, so it should seem. I guess it’s like when a loved one of yours dies. It doesn’t always hit you right away. It takes time to sink in. After 2.5 years, it all just seems so incredible and so hard to believe. It’s like - this is it? All our sexual problems are solved? Now all we have to do is wait and see if I conceive? I asked him if I’d feel his cum in me here and there and he said yes. If he said he doubted it or if I don’t ever feel it, then I’ll go back to feeling like I’ve always felt about him and his true intentions, not that they’ve exactly changed yet. It’s too soon. Too soon to believe. It all sounds too good to be true and I still have to see more evidence of change, so to speak. I need something more tangible to prove that he’s not putting me on. I need to see or feel his cum. I guess only time will tell if Tom and Robin are full of it or not and if God will allow us a child. I just don’t see it, though.

Later…

I am in such a foul mood right now. Sometimes I really want to go outside and hang myself from one of the hooks on the patio. It’d do everyone a favor, including myself whose life is really over.

I should’ve known better than to talk to Tom. Why can’t I be one of those who never talks? I’ve always wished I were that way. I wish I were like Brenda was. The last few times I talked to Tom, he made me feel better, but not tonight. We both only ended up feeling worse.

It started when he told me that his dad can no longer control his number 2s. I felt so bad for him and Ma and then this also scared the shit out of me. Growing old seems more depressing and scary all the time. They’ve got kids to take care of them, but who will take care of us when we’re old? Since we’ll never have a kid, who will take care of us?

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Last updated June 15, 2024