April 1996 in 1990s

TUESDAY, APRIL 30, 1996
Something happened that totally drove all desires to have a kid away, but I’ll get into it some other time. All I can say now is thank God that God and Tom won’t allow Tom to cum. Never will I have to worry about the hassle of birth control or its side effects.

Once again, I see that compensation really does exist. This has been a painless period and so far I haven’t needed any Ibuprofen, whereas my last period was a killer.

MONDAY, APRIL 29, 1996
Andy’s gonna be calling any second. I just called him to see when he wants me to have his apron ready for him to pick up and he was watching Xena.

It’s hard to believe it only took me 18 days to fill up this book. (just about) If it weren’t for my constantly writing about the issue of Tom’s lying about the kid and how I feel about that and our weird sex life, I’d probably be 20-30 journals behind.

Later…

I guess Evie really isn’t into letter-writing as I thought she was, but I forgive her. She’s got a kid. Therefore, she hasn’t exactly got the time to type many letters and with what little time she does have, I’m sure she’d prefer to send letters to her family in Indiana.

Andy called back and it looks like I may be going over there Tuesday night to finish the cat. Or try to anyway.

In 20 minutes, the movie I’m taping will be over. I try to tape as many movies as I can here and there. That way, if I get bored or in a lazy mood, I’ll have stuff to watch if there’s nothing good on at the moment.

Later…

I took off my old nail polish and soon I’ll put the nail hardener on, then my gold nail polish. The nail hardener is cloudy, so hopefully it’ll make the gold stand out better which is otherwise too light.

I’m going to start taking measures to decrease the bird population. There are just way too many (30-something) and they really make a hell of a mess on the patio and around the pool area. I’m sick of having to remember to lift up the seat cushions so they don’t shit all over the chairs and I’m sick of trying to hop around all their shit. I’m gonna start feeding them a little less often and I’m gonna give them much less at once than I normally do.

When Tom gets up, we’ll have to fill out an order form for stamps. We’ll need a book of regular stamps, then we’ll order those 1¢ stamps from them, too. Tom alone, as well as with me, checked vending machines to see if we could get the 1¢ ones that way, but there weren’t any, and this way he won’t have to stand in line forever at the PO.

Later…

As soon as he gets up I’m gonna strip the beds and get the sheets washing. Then they’ll be dry by the time he leaves. I lazed out of doing it yesterday, but I got all our clothes and towels and stuff like that done.

SUNDAY, APRIL 28, 1996
I just saw a movie about a true story that was really sad. It actually made me cry and very few movies ever do that to me. This movie is a classic example of how unfair and cruel life is, and of course, it only fuels my hatred for God. There was this woman who had a daughter and gave it up for adoption to a stable couple who couldn’t have kids. Meanwhile, the woman lied about who the father was, and the real father ended up being one who was violent and who abandoned two other kids. So, after two years of the good couple raising her just fine, the courts said she had to go to her biological parents. I felt so heartbroken for this poor kid and it brought back bad memories of how I had to be forced to go places I didn’t want to go. How the fuck can people create and have such a shitty system? How can God allow this to happen? How can God allow a child to go to a lying mother who already has one other kid and a violent non-caring father who has 3 other kids, two of whom he dumped? Meanwhile, this deserving couple who can’t have kids has to suffer with no kids at all. I really hate both God and this fucked up, cruel, unfair world in which we live. If people won’t do what’s right, then when the fuck is God gonna finally put his foot down and do what’s right? Why must God allow and aid such cruel, mean, sick, unfair shit to happen in this world? Why must God give what they say is his ultimate gift to so many undeserving people and bless them with all kinds of wonderful things, while shitting on good people? When can good people have what they deserve? It makes me feel all the more that God hates us and thinks we’re just these two no-good, non-deserving people who ought to rot in hell, never get what we really want and struggle all our lives while we dream of the normal everyday things in life that we’ll never have as we watch undeserving assholes get them. Why must it be that if you take 10 people and have 9 of them be jerks, it’s that one good person in the bunch who can’t have kids or some other thing they want and so richly deserve or would be good at? Tom and I must really deserve a child after all. It must really be that we’d be great parents, I could’ve handled it and not been like my mom after all, or why else would we be denied a child? For our health? Well, maybe that is the case, too, as I’ve said before. Maybe God knows something we don’t, like maybe I’d die in childbirth or all kinds of other things could go wrong with the kid, our marriage, anything. But if God can do anything, then couldn’t he make sure that nothing terrible went wrong or something we couldn’t handle? This is why I doubt he’s protecting me by denying me a child, cuz if there was a problem, God could make sure it didn’t stop us. If I’m not paying for someone else’s sins, it’s gotta be just cuz he plain old hates me and doesn’t think I’m a bad enough person for it. Only bad people deserve his so-called ultimate gift. I know I shouldn’t let God get the best of me (or Tom), but it’s hard. Tom said not to try to fight, control or manipulate my feelings and maybe he’s right. I can’t deny my true beliefs, feelings or desires to myself anyway. I may as well let my mind flow freely and bitch about shit, even if I can’t change it and I know I can’t and I can’t fight fate, either. As weird as it may sound, though, knowing God and Tom will never allow me a child has still been easier than ever to deal with. Especially since our last fight. My feelings about the way God works and the way Tom lied will never change, but I haven’t had the desperate, sad, and angry feelings about it that I’ve had on and off. Maybe my anger towards Tom is transferring into forgiveness after all. And maybe the other part of it is that I’m accepting God’s ways and his rules more so. I always have, but I guess the acceptance has hit home harder.

Tom is just so confusing still. He still loves to play head games with me, while denying that he’s preventing anything or lying and saying how it’s best not to plan stuff. One minute he swears he doesn’t want to wait on having a kid and that he knows I’ll be pregnant by September, the next he’s giving me all kinds of advice on how to up my chances of going to college. I know I’ll either be in college or working in September, so I guess it doesn’t matter what he says, even though I wish he’d speak the truth. I don’t like being lied to and he knows it. Yesterday, I said I wished they’d tell me I needed a hysterectomy out of frustration cuz of the physical part of the PMS which is pretty bad this month. He said, “But you don’t like people lying to you.” Then why does he do it? What makes him think it’s OK for him to lie to me then? Why does Robin think it’s OK to lie to me?

I guess it all goes back to the fact that God has a basic plan for all of us when we’re born. He insisted that people lie to me and take things from me and keep things from me and force me into second best for the most part. That doesn’t include living in Arizona or marrying Tom, either. That is definitely first-best and for that, I’m thrilled and very happy and grateful. I think Tom knows and understands, though, that just cuz you’re married to first-best (except for the lies), you can still feel empty, cheated, and like a waste product who doesn’t know if she’s got a future, other than the same old rut. Yes, this life is way better than before I met Tom and no, I’d never want to go back to my old life or give up the things I have today, but is this it?

Yes.

Later…

I guess Andy’s landlord did fix his EC, cuz he hasn’t called us asking Tom to come over and check it out. Just after midnight on Saturday, he said he wasn’t sure if it was fixed and that his landlord didn’t leave a note about fixing it, but said it did seem cooler. I told him to let me know how it was when he got up in the afternoon, which would’ve been yesterday, then to see if he could get a hold of his landlord. If not, call us, but he hasn’t.

Since there seems to be no chance at all of going to Florida for the next several months, I wonder if my parents will ever come out here. I can’t say I’m too upset over our not being able to go there, cuz you know how I feel about that. I’d have too many worries. Could I sleep okay? Could I breathe okay? Would everything else be okay?

Later…

According to Tom, I slept through 11 minutes of quite a riot next door. I didn’t think Andy’s theory was right when he said it could’ve been just her cuz of how I look. It’s all of them cuz they’re like most people who don’t give a shit about those around them. He said about 4 cars came in (all adult men) and for 11 minutes they played ball, screamed at the top of their lungs, and blared rap music. Then after 11 minutes, everyone left and it went dead quiet. Tom thinks they just came back from a basketball game cuz it’s the end of basketball season. They better not do this very often and they’re lucky they didn’t wake me up. I can’t believe Robin’s been right so far. Tom says not to worry cuz he thinks it’ll be very seldom that they do this and that basketball season is ending and it’ll be too hot for them to do this. I asked what about the winter and he says they’ll be watching football in the winter. I hope so. And I hope they continue not to be home too often. I guess that during weekdays they won’t be here too much. I hope not so I can at least have 5 days to sing in privacy. I don’t like people to hear me when I’m practicing. If I want an audience, I’ll go get one. I’m glad that kid hasn’t been around to play ball. Maybe he just didn’t feel comfortable playing at their house. Who knows, but I’m glad he’s gone cuz now I can’t tell him to go away since the house isn’t vacant anymore.

Now I’m gonna go see if I’ve got any email, then I’ll watch some TV.

SATURDAY, APRIL 27, 1996
I hope I get my period soon enough to relieve my sore tits. Plus, I swear I’ve got 50 gallons of water retaining in me. This has been the easiest period in the longest time I’ve had as far as the emotional side of it goes. Could it be compensation for the last one which was rough? Or could it be cuz of getting my emotions out that day I hit and kicked Tom and really came to accept the fact that there’d be no kid? Well, it’s nice for a change, anyway.

Tom and I screwed earlier and he said that he had a pre-cum throb which he hasn’t had in a long time and that we were getting back to where we were. Well, that’s nice since it seems to have taken him longer in the past, but I still don’t get what he means exactly. Maybe it’s just his way of trying to help make me feel that I don’t suck in bed.

At first I thought that Tom was trying to convince me that it wasn’t them next door blaring their car music just so I wouldn’t be pissed off about it and so he wouldn’t have to deal with it, but now I don’t even know for sure if it is really them. That night I went to Andy’s, I ran into the music room when I heard it, listening for the sound of a car door to open and close, but I never heard one. Then Tom said he heard that car quietly leave at 5:00 the next morning. The one parked next door at the time.

A couple of nights ago at 8:30 when I was listening to music, Tom said he heard music for about 30 seconds, but that he was sure it wasn’t next door. There was never any car next door, either, even though there were lights on.

Then last night I heard it for about 10 seconds just after 8:00, but there are still no cars there, even though there are lights on. They either have the lights on and aren’t there or maybe they came in at 5:30 yesterday afternoon. I could’ve sworn I heard a car pull up, doors shut, then a kid cry for about 5 seconds.

So, just maybe it isn’t them after all and maybe I was dreaming that time I thought music woke me up. We’ll just have to wait and see, but I’m beginning to relax and think that maybe things will be okay. They’re hardly ever there. I almost never hear the kid. I think I’ve only heard it twice for a few seconds since they moved in what? Late February or early March? Maybe Robin’s right.

Them saying I’ll be pregnant soon is still so unreal as I’ve said before, but if there’s a one-in-a-million chance that Tom’s not joking and he really came closer than he has in a while, is it a coincidence? His language is weird cuz he says that saying “I think you’ll be pregnant by September” and “I know you’ll be pregnant by September” means the same thing. Whereas with me, saying “I think I will” means I think I will, but don’t know for sure, but hope and think so. If I said I know so, that means I know it and there are no ifs, ands or buts. Then he said that in my language that meant that he knows so. Whatever.

I wrote letters to Bob and my parents and addressed envelopes to my parents, Bob, Kim, Larry, and one for Sarah. I hope Tom gets the chance to get 25 of those 1¢ stamps for postcards this weekend, so I can mail some off.

This weekend I’ll probably give Kim a call. It’s been a while since we chatted. That is if she’s home. I wonder when Larry will call or if he’s been trying.

Yesterday I began exercising my legs and today I did my arms and belly. Hope I can stick to this.

Earlier we cut Tom’s hair and it wasn’t the disaster it was the last time. He did the front and sides and I did the back. We did a nice job and he doesn’t look like Mr. Military.

Today Tom will be going to Evelyn’s to finish some more work on her sink and then to his parent’s house. I’ll be asleep most of the day and I just hope and pray that if it is them next door, I hope they don’t get carried away and blare that fucking music. They seem to come and go during weekends, but last weekend I don’t think they were there at all.

Later…

I was just talking to Andy who is kind of depressed even though he expected to be. It’s amazing how everything he said really hit home and how we both feel the same emotions. The only difference is that his is about a boyfriend and mine’s about the kid. He too, has felt that love wasn’t meant for him since he was a little boy, just like I knew since I was a little girl that I could never have a kid.

The things he said totally hit home and were things I’ve often said and probably always will. He’d say stuff like, what’s the point of living? What’s my purpose in life? Why am I so cursed? I’m just totally trying to fight fate when there’s not a damn thing I can ever do to change it. God has his mind made up and he’ll never change it. God wants me to be alone forever. I had fun trying to get things I wanted at times, but I knew the final outcome wouldn’t be what I wanted, etc.

Later…

I’m still awake, but getting quite tired. I suppose Tom will be up anytime now.

Yesterday, due to it warming up, the pool was so green that you couldn’t even see the bottom. So, he got “shock treatment” and shocked the hell out of and now it’s such a milky light blue color that you still can’t see through it. Soon, though, it’ll be nice and clear.

I can hear my birds now who are up for the day.

Later…

Once again, Robin came to me as I was falling asleep saying I’d wake up OK, I need not worry about next door and that I’ll be pregnant soon. She seems to be doing this a lot lately.

Anyway, I’m both happy and shocked to say that next door had a soundless party. When Tom came home I was already asleep and he said there were 4 cars next door. After I got up, I peeked over to next door from the music room where I can see the carport and their living room window. This was the early evening. Their blinds were open and I could see one guy drinking from a can. About an hour ago I checked and all the lights were off. I think I heard cars leave and they did so quietly. So, if they came in with any music on, it certainly didn’t wake me up. If I’d known there were gonna be 4 cars arriving after falling asleep, I’d have been very nervous, but luckily it would’ve been for nothing. Still, I like to not know what my neighbors are up to. If Tom didn’t see the cars and if I didn’t spy, I’d never have known about it and that’s just what I like. To not know my neighbors exist or what they’re up to. Not unless I spy on them.

I have about 8 hours worth of movies taped, so I think I’m gonna break from writing and go watch something.

First, though, Tom got $20 from working at Evelyn’s just as I predicted. I knew it’d be $10 or $20. He also visited his parents and said his dad is doing terribly. He has bad stomach problems.

Then he picked out a really neat screensaver which I’ll describe later and said we’re about to go through a lot of major changes.

Yeah, sure.

FRIDAY, APRIL 26, 1996
Since the night I went to Andy’s, I’ve heard no music from next door. So, I’m sure that this means that before the weekend’s over, they’ll come blasting in. They seem to do this about once a week. I’ve seen a light on in their living room tonight and last night, but I can’t see if there are any cars out there. They seem to go to bed at 11:00. That’s when the lights go off. Someone has come and gone over the last couple of days and whoever did so did quietly, which I appreciate.

Andy’s had amazing luck. Hopefully, he’ll be surprised as I was when I found out I was coming here and when I met and married Tom. So far he has been surprised, though.

Well, he met that guy Brad that I mentioned before and he says Brad’s gorgeous and that Brad was also attracted to Andy. Brad says he’s looking for a serious relationship too, with just one person, so hopefully this is it for Andy.

Well, God didn’t and never will answer my prayers for a baby, but hopefully he’s answered my prayer for him to give Andy a break and send him the right guy cuz he deserves it.

Hopefully, Brad isn’t bullshitting Andy and isn’t only out for sex. Hopefully, he’s serious. This sounds really promising and I told Andy I had a good vibe. Plus, it seems logical that if they’re both attracted to each other and want the same thing, it should work out, as long as Brad’s serious and not putting Andy on.

I’m so happy for Andy if this really is his Mr. Right.

I started to watch a movie, but it sucked. When I’m in the mood for TV, nothing’s on, but when I have a million other things to do, there’s good stuff on. There’ll be 3 or 4 good movies on at once or none at all, and of course we only have two VCRs.

Andy said his landlord did get over there today and he said what Tom and I figured was the problem with the cooler. There’s a minor problem with the water pump and he says he’ll be back tomorrow. I told Andy that Tom offered to go over there this weekend and check it out if the landlord doesn’t put his actions where his mouth is. Andy said that was a generous offer that he’d take if he needs to.

I’m starving now. My not eating too much has caught up to me, so I think I’ll go make some hash browns or something. Right now, we don’t have too much variety in the way of food since it’s the end of the week. Tom’s gonna go shopping Saturday or Sunday. After I eat, I’m gonna take and go through next week’s TV guide and highlight everything I think I’ll want to watch.

Later…

Oh, that really sucks! So far, Brad’s dumped Andy, and Andy has an overwhelming vibe that all Brad wanted was sex and that when he saw he couldn’t get it right away, he split. Andy feels really cursed and I don’t blame him. I thoroughly understand and reminded him of how I’ll never have a kid. I still have a good vibe for Andy, but obviously it’s got nothing to do with Brad. I still hope it does, although I always saw a guy as unmeant to be for him as a kid is unmeant to be for me.

I wonder why, though. Is it cuz he’s too good for it? I notice that just like most parents are no good, most people in relationships are either no good or aren’t worthy of those they’re with. Is it due to being compensated for good health and other blessings? Is he being punished for the sins of his forefathers? Is he not ready yet? I think he’s more than ready.

Andy wondered if he were being denied love cuz God’s preparing him for some situation where he’ll need to be alone, but this makes no sense to me. I wondered if it could be cuz he wants it and I’ve said how I believe that the more you want something, the less likely you are to get it. He said no, cuz there were a handful of years where he didn’t want a relationship, and that didn’t mean guys were lined up at his door. This is probably true cuz during the 3 years I wasn’t looking for a woman, I wasn’t bombarded with offers from them.

Could God be denying me a child cuz he’s preparing me for something in which a child would be in the way? If so, what the hell could it be? I doubt God’s preparing me for anything else or that he feels I’m not ready yet. I believe he doesn’t want me to do or have first best and other than Tom, a kid and singing are first best and God knows it. I think it’s either a punishment or a protection thing or both and that’s why I’ll never have a kid.

If he sent Tom to me able and willing to cum (Tom is at least able) he’d just make sure the DES really got me good or something else or that Tom had a physical problem. If either one of us does have or ever has a physical problem, I can bet you God will make it irreversible.

Going through the TV guide and seeking out stuff that looks good sure is time-consuming. And I only check from 6 PM-4 AM. I still have to check Thursday and Friday.

THURSDAY, APRIL 25, 1996
I just sewed up Andy’s torn apron pocket and now I’m gonna go try to call him.

Later…

For the first time in a while, I was in the mood to gab on the phone. Andy called me with Michelle on the line, then we added Brad who’s a potential date for Andy. Andy mentioned going to the China Doll to Brad and I guess Brad asked to meet him there. Andy said no cuz he thinks he looks shitty today. Anyway, Andy thinks Brad secretly went to check Andy out.

So, I read a bunch of bullshit to Brad. I randomly grabbed Journal 17 from 1991 and began my line-mixing routine.

I’m wondering - should I read back on all my journals now, or wait 10-20 years? Whenever I read them, I’d still like to time it and see how long it takes to read however many I’ve got at the time.

Later…

I am so bloated now and my tits really hurt. I can’t make my period arrive any faster, so I guess I’ll go take a Midol. The problem with taking them during the day is that they make me so damn drowsy.

Later…

I took a Midol last night but didn’t fall asleep right away. However, after I took one after being up a few hours today, I fell asleep for two hours.

Andy’s having trouble with his EC. He says it just blows hot air which means the water level is either too low or there’s something wrong with the pump. Tom says for me to tell him that if he or his landlord can’t fix it, he’ll go over there this weekend and check it out.

From what Andy described, his landlord is a lot like Russ was. An older friendly guy, but one lazy ass. A cheap one, too, like Seelig was about the heat. He wouldn’t even take the time out or pay someone to put in Andy’s new security door. Andy had to get Quinn to do it.

Tom’s really tired so he’s gonna be crashing in a little while.

There’s not too much to watch on TV tonight, but I might check out a movie later. I listened to music earlier and I’ve been playing Ballistic on and off.

I’m still a bit drowsy from the Midol. I can’t really say for sure if that Midol even helps. My tits are still sore and I’m still kind of water bloated. I’m up to 100 pounds.

I got a letter from Bob today and of course, he had nothing new to tell me. He did mention something kind of strange to me. He said that he was made to rip up the 200 letters he had and flush them down the toilet. He’s only allowed to have letters for 24 hours, then he’s made to rip them up. Why? I asked him why and he said he didn’t know. Sounds like they’re just doing it to piss him off. I can’t think of any other reason and neither can he.

Last night I had a strong vibe that there was a spider or there were spiders in the little closet by the garage door. So, Tom’s gonna check it out before he goes to bed.

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 24, 1996
So far it’s been quiet all day and night. There might be someone next door cuz I can see a light on, but I couldn’t see any cars out there.

I bitched to Andy about it last night when he picked me up and he brought up a possibility I never thought of. He asked if she was ugly and I told him yes, she’s very ugly, as a matter of fact. Then he said that it might be her blaring the music and not him cuz she might be paranoid of my looks interesting Mike. Could this be why she blankly stared at me as I walked back here after handing her the note? She did seem rather cold when I first saw her. Maybe she just doesn’t like whites. Well, he did, after all, turn the music down when I first asked him and he was very polite and friendly. She, though, did seem like an aggressive bitch, even though she never spoke to me, other than to tell me my music wasn’t too loud and what her name was.

Then Andy bitched about his coworkers.

At Andy’s I got half the cat colored and he really loves it. I think I can finish it the next time I go. I’m glad he loves it so much, cuz personally, I think my cat in the music room is way better.

Tom said it could be someone visiting them, but then why didn’t Mike tell them to lower their music? He seems like the type that would. Tom also says not to worry unless they really do wake me up and he swears that I was really dreaming that day and that there was no music whatsoever. He says he’s seen all 3 of them come and go, and Mike come and go, but never her alone, and that they always would come and go quietly. I could’ve sworn the day I handed Joely that note, she had just come in with Mike and I could hear the music going.

Who knows for sure who it is and why, but if I get woken up, I am gonna have to think of something to do about it. Robin still insists I never need to worry. Also, I woke up wheezy 3 mornings ago and she told me that yesterday I wouldn’t wake up wheezy and that today I wouldn’t either and I didn’t. So, she’s been right about some things, but I still can’t imagine her and Tom being right about my being pregnant by September. That just seems too far-fetched and just so out of this world. A good 98% of my strong vibes have been right and it just seems so incredible. I feel I could bet my life on him cumming in me 10 times a day and still not conceiving. I just can’t imagine being made to eat my words on this one in the way that I was made to eat my words about when I met and married Tom, or even made it to Arizona.

I was right on two predictions. One of them was strong and one was light to medium. I told Tom a while back that I had a strong vibe he wouldn’t be on nights and that he was destined to stay on days at least for a while. Cuz the more you want something, the less likely you are to get it and cuz I still believe something wants to hold us back in life. Last Sunday night he asked if I had a sense of when he’d find out for sure and I told him Wednesday. Today, Wednesday, he was told he didn’t get it cuz they gave it to some part-time worker.

Then I went and wrote a list of a few things I felt would happen or not happen by September 1st. Here they are.

Strong - A raise or new/better job for Tom in June.

Medium/Strong - College or a job for me in September.

Strong - Will not be pregnant by Sept.

Medium - Tom’s dad will be alive in Sept.

Medium/Strong - There’ll be no chance till September to go to Florida.

Light/Medium - There’ll be major car problems or the car will die.

Medium - The number 10 and the color blue may have something to do with wherever Tom’s working in June.

Later…

Tom and I are still having sex more frequently, so that’s nice.

We got a package from my parents today containing a Phoenix Sun’s flag for Tom and a musical sequined cap for me.

Speaking of spirits, I saw an interesting movie called Voice from the Grave. It was about a singer who also worked at a hospital that was murdered by some guy who also worked there. Then there was some girl who worked there, too, but she and the murdered girl only spoke once for a few minutes. So, after the girl was killed she possessed the other girl and sent visions of her murder/murderer through her so she could help the police nab him and put him away.

I’ve believed spirits could contact humans and show them future stuff for a long time. I believe Robin’s been right about a lot of things she’s told me and I used to believe she was a good spirit, but I still find myself racking my brains, trying desperately to figure out why she’d lie to me suddenly. Just like Tom, she isn’t pulling off some petty little white lie, either. I also thought she said something about taking off for a while. Guess some family member who’s still alive in the East needs her more, but she’s been a regular around here.

The phone’s ringing now and I’m sure it’s Andy telling me all about this Chinese place I told him to check out. Why must he call me so much on his days off? He can really bug me at times. I’m just not into playing phone like I used to be and if he called once every 2 or 3 days, that’d be much better.

I made up tons of mashed potatoes today, cuz I wanted to make them before they rooted, so I think I’ll go have a plateful now.

TUESDAY, APRIL 23, 1996
I might be going over to Andy’s tonight after he gets off work to work more on the cat.

Later…

Those stupid, stupid fucks next door! You can’t even ask someone nicely to do you a small simple little favor. Everyone in this world is so fucking selfish, it’s pitiful. They just can’t deal with turning their stereo down or off 30 seconds before driving up and parking their car. They just have to blare it up in between the houses. People either don’t do anything you ask of them or make false promises. Was my asking them to turn the stereo down upon coming and going that big of a deal? Is it really such a hard thing for them to do? Do they only give a shit about themselves? Obviously so and I’ve decided I’m not gonna worry about blaring my music and if they complain - tough shit unless they turn theirs down. They don’t blare it when they come and go early or late, but if I had been asleep, it probably would’ve woken me up and I’m not gonna go through that shit all over again of having to get up when neighbors say so.

We talked over the last couple of days and I told Tom that I feel he does too many things he says I shouldn’t do. I asked him if he was punishing me by not having sex with me cuz I’ve needed to talk over the last couple of days. He said he was reluctant to cuz he was afraid of what the consequences may be. I reminded him of how he advised me not to have any preconceived ideas of the outcome of things, so why does he? He says don’t let life’s events control the things I do. Then why can’t we have sex or do whatever else after we’ve had discussions? Well, at least he went down on me, but when I went to do him by hand, he only got semi-hard.

I feel he’s contradicting and confusing, too, when he says don’t try to control or manipulate my thoughts and don’t decide how I’m gonna act on them. He’s basically said not to hold things in, yet talking about certain things will “ruin all he’s worked on.” How could I have done that two-week thing, yet talk when I need to? How can not trying to control or manipulate my thoughts or feelings make me less angry or depressed like he says it will? So, basically he’s saying to talk about what I need to, yet he doesn’t want to talk about certain things cuz then he has them in his head, so he says, and it ruins what he’s been working for, which is nothing that I can see as far as sex goes. He says he’s not blaming me for his not cumming and us not having a kid, yet he is. He does blame me indirectly in several different ways.

Then he says he doesn’t want to wait till September to start a kid but suggests college at the same time as something to consider? He’s been saying for well over a year that he doesn’t want to wait, yet he doesn’t cum. So, I asked him, which is it? Do you want to start a kid or have me think about going to college? His answer is not to plan when and how things are gonna happen and to just let things play themselves out. A kid is never gonna “play itself out” as long as he remains the way he is and whether or not we plan it. He’s still all talk and no action who says that in his mind - we will have a kid. No. I know I won’t be pregnant by September or ever and I really want to check out some college in August and that’s exactly what I’m gonna do. I don’t know yet how I’m gonna manage to keep the schedule and I know next door’s gonna wake me up at least once a week.

Then fucking Robin had to come by last night and tell me that I was to be finding out I was pregnant by September and that college may be a good and right thing for me, but not in Sept. Yeah, right!

Boy, I’ll tell you, though, there’s nothing like having a husband and a spirit play with your head and tell you such tall tales!

Back to next door. What the fuck am I gonna do about them? It’s obvious that asking them nicely isn’t gonna do a damn bit of good (this is my compensation for the M’s being cool about my asking them to quiet down). If I smash their car or do anything to them, they’ll just get us back some way, so what do I do? Just resign to the fact that they’re gonna do this at least one or two times a week, maybe more in the future and hope to hell I sleep through it? Is that all I really can do? It pisses me off. It really pisses me the fuck off! I know it’s gonna be years before we move, so how many more families are gonna live there while we’re here creating whatever kind of noise? Are we ever gonna live in someplace like my sister lives? Are there any houses out here in Arizona that don’t have other houses 5 feet away from them that you don’t have to be rich to afford?

MONDAY, APRIL 22, 1996
Boy, have I been having kid dreams. The night before last, I think the dream was about my talking to a doctor about having a kid. I don’t think I was pregnant, but I could’ve been. Last night’s dream was about birth control. I got some IUD or something that you insert inside you and I think it was starting to fall out at one point. I remember the doctor asking if they could do something that’d permanently sterilize me and I nodded yes. So, why I had this thing inside me, beats me.

Last night is when the dead-set strong vibe set in that this two-week thing is bullshit, even though I already knew this. So, maybe last night’s dream was a sign saying, “Yes, you’re right about him being full of shit, so get on birth control. It’ll help you.”

I like how I read that birth control makes your periods more regular and how it eases the period and cramps and hopefully the PMS, too, and hopefully there’ll be no side effects.

Earlier, I was sitting at the kitchen table when I heard a car stereo. I jumped up, pissed as hell and ready to haul off at next door, but it wasn’t them. It was some car passing by. They haven’t been there since about last Friday.

Bob should be calling in about 15 minutes. I sent him a letter about 5 days ago telling him to call collect.

The night before last, Robin came around again. She was all sad that I don’t want anything to do with her and she still insisted that she’s not lying. Also, that Nervous is with her and that he doesn’t hate me. He’s looking out for me, but won’t bother me. That’s nice, cuz that’s all I’d need is for him to bother me.

Yesterday we went over to his parent’s house. Ma showed me how she has tons and tons of material and I had brought over the back of the chair we sit on at the computer. The back of it is like a director’s chair and it rips, then I sew it, and back and forth. So, I picked out a blue floral print and she made a new back and I helped. It looks so professional.

Later…

Bob called and we talked for about 20 minutes. Besides his usual of how he’s worried about Kim and wants to see her, he told me that he’s on medical watch cuz of his heart and that he has an appeal going through. He said he won’t know anything till June or July.

Yesterday at Mom and Dad’s, Mom’s brother Johnny came over with his wife Marie and their grandson. Marie’s from Mexico so her secondary language is Spanish which we gabbed a little in. Johnny had told Marie he was glad there was someone shorter in the family than Marie, but I’m an inch taller than Marie.

I promised Andy I’d mention this. At around 2:00 that afternoon when I was at Mom and Dad’s, Andy claims to have been thinking about how Nervous and I would gab in Spanish at the same time Marie and I were. A connection? Who knows?

Later…

Tom and I were just discussing how we could afford for me to go to a community college and go through their vocal programs without having to take math and all that other bullshit. Classes start in September, but can I ever get my schedule normal once and for all in order to go? This would be great for me and a great way to continue trying to get over never having a kid.

I also blew my two-week thing where I wasn’t supposed to mention a kid or cumming, but that’s OK. He was never gonna cum anyway and now it’s time to make the call for birth control tomorrow.

Later…

There’s still no one next door. In a sense, these people are weirder than the M family. I mean, where do they go so often? Where do they sleep? Aren’t they fully moved in? Are they just using that house for something illegal, like manufacturing drugs?

Anyway, I know I said I was gonna call for birth control, but I’m not cuz I’m gonna do what Tom wants, as usual. Besides, Tom’s probably right when he said that the side effects would be more than the benefits I just think I’ll get out of it. Yeah, God’s determined to really hit me hard with this. He’s not gonna let me escape it. He really wants to shove it in my face and tease me with it.

I believe those that believe that there’s a reason for everything and that after we die, we find out why things happened or didn’t happen. I just wish I knew why now. All I have are my theories. God’s either punishing me or trying to save my life and marriage. Which is it? Could it be both?

SUNDAY, APRIL 21, 1996
Just got done watching TV and now I may do some drawing before hitting the sack.

Sometime soon I’ll have to get back over to Andy’s to work on the wall cat some more.

Thank God Nervous didn’t die in July. Last July was when Robin began visiting and with her bullshit lately, I might’ve ended up wondering if she was really Nervous if Nerv’s mom said he died in July.

I mean, I don’t know what to make of Robin anymore. Yes, she’s been right about next door being fine and Tom does seem hornier, but I couldn’t be pregnant soon, any more than I could be tall soon, so I don’t get her anymore. I’d just assume she stay away.

She was also right about saying she’d always watch over me no matter what as I sense her presence occasionally. I just tell her to go away.

She usually likes to come when I first get in bed where my mind isn’t as occupied and where my body is more relaxed. Here is where she either gives me messages or just visits with me for what seems to be for the hell of it.

SATURDAY, APRIL 20, 1996
Not much has happened today and I’ve been bored for the most part. Maybe I should work on a story or find some kind of project, but I haven’t hit upon anything yet that I’d really like to do. I guess I’ll go start Sarah’s letter.

Tom’s been out all day working on his aunt’s trailer pipes and at his parent’s, so hopefully he’ll be home soon.

Later…

I believe tomorrow will be day 5 or 6 of not bringing up the issue of a kid. If it isn’t my imagination, then it seems we’ve had more sex since I began doing this which is about all he’ll give me for this. He knows I’m doing this too, so all the more, I’m gonna get teased in some way and he’ll be laughing to himself when this is over.

He got $60 for working at Evelyn’s and he stopped by his parents’ place to help them out, too.

He put up the bird perch using an old curtain rod. No, a shoe rack rod. We put some seed on the windowsill, so hopefully they’ll see it soon enough. It’s right by the back window.

Tom’s in the bathroom now taking a shower and beating off so we can have “safe sex” in a while.

Tomorrow we’re going to his parents’ place.

Later…

Tom’s unwinding now, and then he’ll be going to bed.

We had sex for quite a long time, and surprisingly, it took me forever to cum.

I haven’t been able to think of any ideas for a short story or poem.

Yesterday I drew a neat picture of Gloria where she’s in a mirror and you can see her twice. Tom liked it, but I didn’t, so I’m just gonna stick it on my parents.

I’m sitting with Tom right now in his favorite chair as he unwinds.

Later…

They just got in next door and they did so very quietly. I only heard one door shut and no kid, so I’m sure it’s just Mike.

We’ve had two spiders in here today and it’s that time of year to bomb, so we will soon.

FRIDAY, APRIL 19, 1996
I got a letter from Sarah a couple of days ago and soon I’ll send her a letter. I have a letter going out to Larry today and I decorated the envelope with animals and flowers.

I haven’t heard a peep out of next door since I heard them at 7:00 that evening when they gave me a minute’s worth of their rap music. They seem to leave early in the morning and return in the early evening.

I wonder if just Mike lives there since I never see more than one care there at once. I don’t think the kid lives there after all since I never hear it.

Robin still tries to come around and assure me that all will be fine with next door and that she’s not lying when she says I’ll be pregnant soon, but I just tell her to go away.

Tom wants me to write a short story and a poem for him. Should I not do something he asked of me that I said yes to in order to give him a taste of his own medicine? I’ll think about it.

I knew Tom was lying when he said he couldn’t hold back from cumming and that if he cums, he cums suddenly without warning.

When Andy gets together with Quinn, he tells me all about it and he confirms what I always knew when he brought up how they’d hold back to enjoy it longer and how they knew when they were gonna cum.

I can’t believe what a bad liar Tom is and how dumb he thinks I am.

How can I ever forgive Tom or not be angry with him for never allowing me to have a child? All I can do is know it and accept it. I couldn’t believe it when he said I shouldn’t be angry with him cuz we don’t have a kid after he’s said so many times that we would, but then again, I can believe it. He’ll say the most far-out things or be the bad liar he is when it comes to a kid and making excuses to not have a kid.

There’s always got to be someone in my life to help God control me, or take something away from me, or to stop me from getting things and there’s never a damn thing I can do about it. Part of me wishes I was either in denial about what he’s doing or that I could believe him when he says he wants a kid and isn’t doing anything to prevent that. Then the truth would hit me harder in the end, so maybe I should know what he’s doing.

Later…

Speaking of believing - it’s still hard to believe Nervous is dead. One minute I’m not thinking about it and the next it pops into my head.

Tom was really helpful yesterday. He listened with understanding, and supportive patience while I told him all about it. At least I’ll always have his edits, like Tom said, even though Nervous really did hate those edits with a passion.

Later…

Here’s another reason why I’m so sure Tom beats off, besides the fact that he’s human and has to relieve it somehow.

Andy told me that he beats off prior to seeing Quinn in case he can’t have sex with him. Andy took care of Quinn last night for 3 hours and he said he took care of himself, so he could just take care of Quinn which gives him great pleasure. He also says he jerks off before meeting a guy in case he’s cute and can’t have him so he won’t be overly horny. So Tom figures he doesn’t want to cum cuz he doesn’t want a kid, but he won’t tell me that, so he relieves himself whenever.

Tom’s parents are really doing badly, and he even told me how worried he is and how preoccupied his mind is, so all the more he won’t cum, along with reasons that deal with just us. I’m sorry his parents are dying, but lots of people maintain normal sex lives while their parents are dying. Even if there were no worries and nothing going on, there’s still his underlying fear of having a kid. He doesn’t want it as well as is scared of it.

I keep telling myself that this two-week cure-all is bullshit, just like everything else he’s said would help, so go get on birth control, but I will soon enough. I’ll bet he’ll use his parents as the perfect excuse after two weeks of my not bringing it up. What’s he gonna do when his parents die? Tell the truth? No. There’ll be something else.

TUESDAY, APRIL 16, 1996
I sent a letter to Gloria’s fan club asking them to please speed things up. Also, I asked if there was any way they had a catalog where we could pick out pictures and how big we’d like them to be.

Tom apologized for saying that all I wanted from him was a kid and he admitted that he knows I’m strong and is sorry he sprung up at me to try to get my attention to calm me down. He’s sorry cuz I saw my mother and other people who sprang at me with violent intentions and I’m sorry for jumping the gun myself.

It’s done and over with in our books and we hope to just move on. I promised to work on not screaming so loud when I get angry and he said he’d just leave or something, rather than try to calm me down till I’m ready to calm down on my own.

We played cards last night but didn’t have sex. I have to wait until the weekend, as usual. I told myself, “Don’t do it. That’s stupid of you to wait and see if he cums after 14 days of not discussing a kid, cuz you know he won’t. Just get on birth control now.”

However, if I get on it now, he’ll use that as an excuse for why he didn’t cum. Like you need your woman not to be on birth control to cum, right? So, I’ll just wait and see what other excuses he uses, then call for it.

A couple of days ago Tom was telling me that during childbirth, your hips become lubricated by a certain hormone and that only during childbirth do your hips spread in a way that they normally can’t. That must be why someone my size can have a baby naturally. I didn’t know that. He knows a lot about this subject, that’s for sure.

A bird landed in the window again yesterday and this time he managed to hang on for a few minutes. I have a new all-brown bird, that’s different from the chicken pigeon who has white on the very back of him. I also have a new smaller Measles pigeon and yesterday I noticed a band around one leg. It looks like there are one or two small round rubber or plastic blue bands and one white plastic one that’s about ¼ inch wide. I saw the upside-down number 17 on it. Tom said it could’ve been someone who was raising it or that the government banded it for a study on where they travel to or something like that.

Later…

I spoke with Andy earlier and tomorrow or the next day I might be going over to work on his cat some more after he gets up.

I’m gonna put a note out tomorrow for the mailman telling him I understand how confusing it must be to keep track of Drive vs. Ave. However, I ask that they please ensure proper mail delivery, cuz we’ve both gotten each other’s mail. It’s not that I mind getting Irene W’s mail, it’s that I’m afraid our mail is being misdelivered and I’m so sick of this shit. The call to the post office didn’t work, so hopefully this will.

I did an interesting thing with my nails. I polished every other one red and the others purple. On the purple ones I made a red slash and on the red ones I made blue slashes. My parents would love it!

Now I’ll backtrack a little more. Like I said, life at the beach wasn’t too thrilling. Most of the time, since I had to be on the beach, I’d go off into my own little world and go climb on some of the rocks that divided the beaches, etc. I guess there’s not much more to say about the beach, so now I’ll go on to discuss when I left home for the first time. That was in late July of 1981.

Before I go back to 1981, let me just say that next door, just like next door to them, seems to be like most people. You ask them something nicely and they don’t give a fuck and they’re gonna do what they want to do, anyway.

Why do I have to get blacks next to me who blast that obnoxious rap music? Well, it was only for a minute and it wasn’t loud enough to wake me up, but it wasn’t soft, either. I was out back before the 7:00 movie smoking a cigarette when I heard Joely and some guy yelling at each other. I think they were yelling at each other, anyway, and all I could make out were the words, “Not my baby!” from Joely.

So, then I came back in a few minutes before 7:00 and as one of them was leaving, the music started and I said to myself that if they didn’t pull out and leave by the time the movie started I was gonna go out there and give them a piece of my mind, but they left. If I knew I’d only hear their music and nothing else for a minute here and there at that same volume, I could relax, but I don’t know that they’re gonna say - what the fuck and blast it enough to where the bass and drums wake me up if I’m asleep. I think it’s gonna take me the rest of 1996 to relax about them if nothing gets worse than it has been and I certainly can’t trust Robin. Not with her lying about my getting pregnant soon.

I think they just left, and yes, they left quietly, but I’m wondering if they aren’t gonna be company freaks. I noticed an aqua-colored car there this morning and that was it. So, if they’re both there and they both have their own cars, who knows? That’s 4 different color cars I’ve seen over there. Aqua, black, blue and red.

I haven’t heard the kid and they still have no dog which is great, but I’m still so nervous about them, not knowing for sure what they’re gonna do. Are they gonna have a big party and have an outdoor barbecue with all kinds of music and other noise?

Okay, in July of 1981, I was sent to the Brattleboro Retreat in Brattleboro, Vermont where I stayed till December of that year. It was hell there, but not as bad as places I’d be in after this. This place was for drug and alcohol users and there was an adult psychiatric ward as well as one for adolescents where I was since I was 15 at the time.

My mother made it sound like a country club, but she said the doctors were the ones that made it sound like a country club. Whatever. All I know is that, like Valleyhead, they didn’t make you feel any better about yourself or your situation and their attitude was that the kids were fucked up and the parents were perfect.

The floor I was on was in the shape of a huge L. We each had our own room and there were about 30 kids there, both girls and boys. There was a rec room, a porch, 2-3 staff meeting rooms, the nurse’s station, a lounge area, bathrooms, and shower rooms. All the windows had bars, and the glass was Plexiglas. Only the windows in rooms down at the end of a long hallway had real glass.

Even though this place was a nightmare, there was more freedom and less strict rules there. You could have all the money you wanted and if you got on restriction, that didn’t mean you couldn’t go in your room or only have 4 cigarettes a day like at Valleyhead. Sometimes if you were on restriction, you were made to go to your room or you couldn’t use the phone or watch TV.

I had a tough caseworker there and she made me have only 6 cigarettes a day cuz of my asthma. She said it was cuz of my asthma, but my asthma wasn’t bad then and it was really out of spite and power play. She didn’t like me very much. Guess it was cuz she thought I was wimpy. The staff could be like students in the way that they favored the tougher ones. Margaret M and Barbara D at Valleyhead were like that.

At one point I was also only allowed in my room twice a day for a half-hour each, once they saw that I liked to be alone more often than most others.

When they caught me smoking in the rec room, they restricted me from going in there. Then they caught me smoking on the porch and restricted me from going there. Then they caught me smoking in my room, so they took my door down. Then they caught me smoking in the closet in my room and they took that door down. Finally, they caught me smoking in the bathroom and shower room and they couldn’t restrict me from going in there, so I had to go in there with a staff member.

When I finally got out of there, I went home to the house in Longmeadow. By this time Tammy and Larry were long gone and my father’s mother, Bella, was living with us. She came to live with us before we moved from the first house in Longmeadow. She had been living in California and she had a stroke.

The following April, 4 months later, I became a ward of the state.

From that December to April I attended an alternative high school in Springfield which I liked. It only had about 5 teachers and about 10 students. We could get away with murder there. We could skip class, go outside, and do drugs, and even our bus driver smoked pot with us.

Jenny got me into cigarettes and pot at age 13 and I smoked pot about 30 times here and there till the final time when I was 21 and had a bad experience with it like I did when I was 16. The pot had either been laced or just didn’t go with whatever meds I was on at those times.

In April I was taken to Emergency Services in Springfield and stood there at the crisis center for about 3 days. This was the very same crisis center I was in for a couple of days when I was 21 and got taken to court for prank-calling in 1989.

From there I went to LaRagione’s in Springfield. This place was originally owned by Kate LaRagione who was Anna’s mother. I was there till about June and Anna and Harry wanted to be my foster parents till I was 18, but the state wouldn’t allow that and neither would my parents since they wanted me in a long-term residential school.

I loved it with Anna and Harry so much and felt so loved, wanted and understood. I don’t remember what in the world made me cut myself before I left there, but I know it had to do with the threats they were making about taking me away from them and placing me in a school.

I remember being in my social worker’s office when the men in white coats came in and took me to Northampton. The state funny farm, and man, was I lucky to get out of there alive! What a nightmare this place was and talk about no privacy and being surrounded by lunatics! An old lady would hit me over the head with her pocketbook. Another one would masturbate in the bed across from me in my cubicle.

They gave you cigarettes every hour if you didn’t have your own, but you weren’t allowed to have any matches or lighters. Also, this wasn’t the type of place where you could bring a stereo or anything else of personal items. You were made to wear hospital gowns and you were watched every second like a hawk. The bathroom stalls had no doors on them, there were no mirrors anywhere and you couldn’t even take a shower in privacy. The shower stalls weren’t private much like in a prison.

I was there for 8 days, but when I first got there I filled out a 3-4 day notice to leave. Even my parents were furious that I’d been taken there. When my notice to leave was denied, all I was doing was sitting on my bed crying. I didn’t hurt anything, anyone or myself, yet they took and tied me down to a small bed in a small room by my wrists and ankles for 2-3 days. I naturally tried to fight them off as hopeless as it was. When I needed to pee or shit, they’d bring a bedpan and I was fed by someone from a tray. Once they untied one arm and I punched that person, so they tied me back up and fed me themselves and it was amazing that the person feeding me didn’t choke me to death with the way they were shoveling the food into my mouth.

Later…

Wow! I was just in the pool. I went in the Jacuzzi first and little by little, I got used to that and ducked under once. Then, I swam up and down the main pool once. It was pretty cold at first and that 72º water felt like 30º. It’s windy out there, too, so I was quite chilled upon coming out of the water.

I was in Valleyhead from August 1982 to August 1984 when I graduated. It was a big mansion in Lenox, MA. Aside from Northampton, this was the worst place I was in as a minor. There were 2 or 4 or 6 girls in a room, but usually 4. The rules and restrictions there were heavy-duty and there was very little free time, except on weekends.

When I was 17 and there for 8 months, I jumped out a window and broke my arm. I felt trapped and just totally panicked. I felt like I’d never get out of there.

I don’t really want to spend too much time on Valleyhead as I know I’ve already covered enough about it here and there.

I went home in August of 1984 to my parent’s house. By this time Nana Bella was dead. She died when I was 17 and my mom’s parents died 6 months apart from each other when I was 19. So, it was me, my parents, Tammy and her first kid Lisa who was only about 1 at this time. I lived there for about 16 months and it was always me against Mom, Dad and Tammy and them against me for the most part. Still, I had freedom and privacy. Tammy took over my old room, Lisa was in Nana’s old room and the last of the 4 bedrooms was a den. I lived in the cellar.

Later…

Holy shit! Nervous is dead! I can’t believe he’s actually dead. When I was hanging out by the pool, I heard a cough that sort of reminded me of his nervous cough, so I called information to see if he finally had a phone. There was no listing for a Kevin T, so I called his mother to see if I could get any information from her and she said Nervous died of a sudden heart attack last September. She said they didn’t know what caused it and by the time he got to the hospital, he was gone.

This actually made me cry for a little while there. He was a nervous, obnoxious weirdo, but it’s still too bad that he had to go this way when he just turned 54. And he used to say that he had 20-30 years left when we met when I was 21 and he was 45 and that he’d live to be in the 80s just like his dad.

It goes to prove Tom’s point when he said that usually, it’s those that have no history of heart problems that die suddenly from heart problems. He told me this after I told him how I worry that mom will suddenly call saying that dad died. Nervous never had any heart problems that I knew of, so it’s got to be nerve-related. He was always so nervous.

MONDAY, APRIL 15, 1996
Now I know why I haven’t heard from Jenny C. I called and Sandy answered. She was bummed out at being stuck at home bored since she was suddenly laid off from work. That sucks. She then gave me an 800# to call Larry at work, so I did. As I’ve heard, he’s been swamped. He said he’s sorry he hasn’t called, don’t think he’s blown me off, but he’s been so busy. I understand. Anyway, I finally asked him if Jenny just wanted a quick $5 from us or got cold feet and it turns out that her mother died. Her mother was an alcoholic, so I’m sure that’s got something to do with it.

SUNDAY, APRIL 14, 1996
Why is it that I’ve got this burning feeling that it was due to my prayers to God that Tom and I just ended up having the fight we had? Is this what I get for praying? Why is it that every time I pray, trouble happens? Gee, let me guess - it must be cuz I’m praying for no-nos. Every time I try to restore my lost faith in God, shit happens, so I guess he and Tom have finally won cuz I now really see the definite connection.

It started when I lived out a certain fantasy that he agreed to go along with. I pretended that he came along with me and then he said I looked upset after a few minutes. I tried to tell him I was OK but he went on and on. This finally blew me up and I asked him why he has to spoil a fantasy that if I can get used to it, I just may not need the real thing as much. He promised to go along with it, go with the flow, and not ask questions, yet he did. This is after making me promise to go along with him, go with the flow, and don’t ask questions.

Then he had the nerve to tell me that he’s sorry if I only want him just for a baby, that I’m being selfish, and that I shouldn’t feel he’s a liar for promising us a kid over a year ago. He said he meant it when he said all those times he’d be cumming, cuz he had no idea we’d fight so much over the subject. How convenient.

Then he said that the reason why he doesn’t want to get help now is cuz he feels that’d ruin our marriage cuz that’d be implying to him that I didn’t trust him enough to give him a chance. Trying to tell him otherwise, didn’t do a damn bit of good. He swears that in a year from now, it’ll be enough time put in of trying on our own. Yeah, right. Then he’ll just say another year is all he needs. I know him.

He also said that in his opinion, he doesn’t feel I’ve suffered since being here and that it was all coming from me. So, this is how much he can understand me and feel into my heart and see into my mind, huh? Are all the pages of suffering, sadness and desperation I’ve written all in my head, then? Like I don’t have a reason to suffer and feel like he’s lied to me and hurt me? It’s all in my head? I’m being selfish?

Resigning to the fact that he’s gonna be saying the same thing about not cumming and not having a kid 30 years from now, I finally just told him what he wanted to hear. I said I was sorry for being selfish by wanting a kid and I was sorry for calling him a lair after promising we’d have a kid and he’d cum so many times since we met and that I’d continue to do my best to snuff any feelings about feeling not good enough sexually and about the kid and not talk about it.

Then he said he didn’t want me to keep my emotions bottled up. Well, hey, you can’t have it both ways. If I talk, it just gets him upset and then we both get upset and that’s how fights start.

He also told me that I wasn’t thinking of him sexually and what he wants and that I was only out to please myself and that he’s sorry I’ve got to have a kid right now. Well, then if he’s so happy the way he is in bed, why does he keep insisting that he wants to change and that he wants to cum and make it better? This tells me all the more that he doesn’t want to cum. And if I’m wrong for wanting a kid right now, then why is he not wrong for saying that he does want one now?

Year after year the guy’s gonna have one excuse after another as to why he can’t cum and swear he will and that we will have a kid. I can’t keep playing this game and I’ve got to get on birth control. It’s the only way I can get him to stop playing with me about the kid. It’s the only thing left I can do to save what’s left of our marriage. I’ll still feel like I’m not good enough sexually and he probably won’t cum to cover the truth and make me think that he wasn’t afraid of getting me pregnant, but I just can’t keep going through this. With me on the pill, it’ll relax me enough cuz I won’t have to worry about him promising me a kid that I can’t have for sure on the pill and I’ll be able to deal with those emotions of being angry toward him a lot better. The kid is the biggest thing we fight about, so eliminating any way that I feel he could be teasing me or lying to me about that will help a lot. Then he can realize that I don’t just want him for a kid, but I’m sure he knows this anyway. The man’s not stupid. He just thinks I am. I mean, why would I want to play cards with him and do things with him and wish he were here more if I only wanted him for a kid? Why wouldn’t I just go entertain my own self in another room and ignore him if that was all I wanted from him?

Anyway, tomorrow I’ll make the appointment for birth control and hope I don’t have any side effects from it.

He still insists that if we could go two weeks without discussing the kid, he’d cum and we’d have sex more often. Yeah, right! Do you know how many other things that he’s insisted would help him that we did that didn’t help him? The only reason why he doesn’t want to discuss it is cuz he doesn’t want a kid and the subject scares him and turns him off.

I’m sorry I called him names, I’m sorry I screamed at him, but I can’t buy anything he says anymore. He’s just too contradictory and he just can’t put his actions where his mouth is most of the time.

I’m just gonna get on the pill and try to not let the thought of not having a kid get to me as much as I can. As well as my anger towards him or feelings of not being good enough for him. I shouldn’t feel like I’m not good enough for him after all. It’s his fucking choice to not cum. It isn’t my fault. Why do I feel the need to blame and punish myself for things that aren’t my fault?

He still says he’d prefer me not to be on birth control, but that if I felt it’d help me - go for it. I can see just how upset he is about the idea. There goes his #1 thing to bullshit me about and I’m sure he’s gonna do stuff to make me feel punished for taking his fun away from him and I’m sure he’s gonna pretend that my taking birth control is really making our sex lives way more miserable than ever. I ain’t gonna fall for it.

I’ve got to stop fighting God. I’ll just let him hate me and succumb to doing what he wants me to do.

I’m gonna prove Tom a liar yet again, though. I’m gonna go the two weeks without bringing up the subject and prove to him that that won’t be his cure to cumming and that he never will cum. Of course, then he’ll say something like, “I never said that,” or “I didn’t mean exactly two weeks. I need more like a month. Besides, it’s cuz of the birth control.” Well, I’ll just have to remember that if Tom says he wants a kid to tell him that’s selfish of him, rather than call him a liar.

As far as Robin goes? I don’t ever ever want her near me again. Don’t want to talk to her, don’t want to know her.

He also says he doesn’t want me to dance cuz he doesn’t want me to do anything that doesn’t make me happy. He means that doesn’t make him happy. Dancing had its drawbacks, but I certainly wasn’t unhappy about it. Besides, if he didn’t want me doing anything that made me unhappy, then why leave me childless all my life?

In the end, just like always, Tom will get his way. I’ll tell you this much, though. I’m not gonna work. So there’s one thing I’ll be doing that’ll make me happy. Just cuz I can’t do what I want doesn’t mean I’m gonna settle and go for second best and do something just cuz it’s all I can do. Tom’s gotten and will always get what he wants from me and now it’s my turn. Since I can’t get what I really want from him, other than his love, he’s gonna have to support me all his life. He at least owes me that much.

There is one other thing that happened and I will admit that this was my fault. Well, when I was screaming, he jumped up at me really quick to take hold of my arm to calm me down cuz his ears were hurting and you don’t do that to me. Not with my past. So, I kicked him in the balls and slapped him, then was prepared to do something much worse and pretty terrible to him when it hit me that he just might have no intention of attacking me and that he was just trying to calm me. So I ran out of the room and told myself that if he followed I’d put his lights out, but he never did. Yes, this was very wrong of me to assume that he’d be like others have been and I should’ve realized his true intentions since the man has not one violent bone in his body and could never hurt me. I told him I was so very sorry and that I’m glad I didn’t go any further. I would’ve hated to have to live with that guilt. I feel guilt, unlike most others. If only Tom would feel guilty about his big black lie to me, but if he doesn’t now, he never will. It’s a real damn shame, though, that such an otherwise great guy can have such a clear conscience about what he’s doing to me. It should be scary to me, but it isn’t. Just sad and infuriating.

In truth, yes, 90-something percent of me knew he didn’t spring up to attack me, but I guess I honestly used this as an excuse to get some of my anger out on him physically, even though I had no intentions of literally dogging him unless he or anyone else’s intentions were to do that to me. I’ve had many thoughts of beating on him and he says he doesn’t understand how I could always be angry at him about this, but how can I not? It’s not a little casual white lie that he’s told me. He lied to me in a big way about something that meant a lot to me and that I was counting on us doing.

If my screaming was really hurting his ears, then all the more reason why I can see he doesn’t want a kid. Kids scream all the time.

I know my life is over, in a sense, and that I have no purpose in this life but to please him and I guess I’ll just have to love him for what he is and take the life I’ve got, seeing that it could be much worse. I don’t have to work, I don’t have to be in Valleyhead again or live with my parents. All I have to do is give him what he wants and he wants no kid. Women forgive their husbands all the time for cheating on them and I know I’d forgive Tom if he did that to me, so I’ll just have to work on transforming my anger into forgiving him.

Later…

OK, this is the scoop. I reaffirmed that Tom says yes, two weeks without discussing a kid is his cure-all to being able to cum. When he doesn’t after those two weeks, then I make the appointment for birth control. Not cuz I fear I can get pregnant and don’t want to, but to help ease off some of this anger I feel towards him since on birth control I can’t accuse him of lying about getting me pregnant.

When I begin PMSing, I’ll take this Midol I got that’s supposed to ease the physical symptoms, but unfortunately not the emotional ones. Like Tom said, though, when you feel better physically, you feel better emotionally. I should think the pill will help me feel better emotionally cuz it should lessen the PMS and the period itself. That’s what it says in the encyclopedia.

I just realized something that’s a total first. We screwed today and today I’m mid-cycle. I guess I am anyway. How amazing. If he could cum, though, and if my plumbing was okay, how many months would it take to hit it right, I wonder?

Yesterday I did give them a note next door, knowing that they’d never just turn the car stereo down on their own. I thanked them for being my “dream neighbors” as they are quiet in all other ways and asked if they could just please cut the car stereo volume upon coming and going cuz we sleep weird hours. I also told them that the last family that lived there was pretty wild and that I really appreciate their quietness and that they could come to join us for coffee anytime they liked. Also, if they were still looking for a babysitter, check next door to them on the other side cuz they do daycare. Lastly, let me know if my music gets too loud.

It’s too soon to tell, but so far they’ve been cool and they came in with the stereo going really soft. Not enough at all to wake me up.

As I went to put the note in their mail slot, Joely, as I found out is her name, was on her way out and took the note from me.

I could be way off base with my presumption here, but I kind of get the feeling that they’re a Dave and Barb I type. He seems calm, collected and passive and she seems like she could be a snotty, aggressive bitch. All she said was her name when I approached her, then said “Okay” when she took the note and then I walked back here. As I was opening the front door to come in, I glanced back and noticed her watching me with a blank expression. If it meant anything, I have no idea. Then, a few minutes later I was in the music room as she was on her way out and thought I heard her say something like “I don’t care,” in a sure way, but not softly, loudly, or angrily. She was talking to Mike, obviously, but who knows what’s really on their minds or what they’re gonna do?

The weekend’s not over yet, so we’ll see, but I have a feeling I’m not gonna get that transformer or that bird perch after this morning’s fight.

Oh, how I just want to go back to those days when a kid was the last thing on my mind. I really, really do! I should be praying to God for that. That’s something he’d love me for and would happily agree with. Then again, maybe not. I think he wants to punish me and make me have these feelings of hurt and anger. If I got over it, he’d go do something else. I should remind myself that I’d be just as miserable, maybe more, if we had a kid. It’s like trying to quit smoking. It’s just swapping in one misery for another. God would make sure that motherhood really did make me miserable and ruin our marriage or stick something else in my life for me to be punished by and feel sad and pissed.

SATURDAY, APRIL 13, 1996
I slept great and they came in silence next door. Yup, they’re back. I saw a car out there.

I updated my journal chart in columns, now that I know how to do that. I fit it into 2 pages and 2 columns.

I can’t get into my library book, so I think I’ll go work some more on the computer.

Later…

It’s already warming up out there and I’ve got my suit on, but I’ll wait a while before trying to get any color. Yesterday I was in the pool just up to the top of my belly button. It’s in the low 80s.

Tom went to bed about an hour ago and says tomorrow he’ll push himself to stay up as long as he can so he can work days again.

Tom says as soon as we’ve got the money, we can get those bee things, but he wonders if they’re for real and if they won’t rip us off. Well, it’s something I want really bad, so they just might rip us off.

They must’ve left early this morning cuz there’s no car over next door. Maybe they’re not fully moved in yet after all. If they’re not fully moved in, then I wonder where they’re coming from that’s allowing them to take their sweet time. Did they come from an apartment where their lease still isn’t up? Why would they get a house 2 or 3 months before their lease was up? Maybe they just couldn’t pass up this particular house for some reason. Still, they’ve been too good to be true and I hope and pray that it stays that way! I can’t believe how right Robin’s been so far, but believe what she told me yesterday? No way! I wish I could and there are some things she says that I can believe, but this?! I don’t think so.

Tom’s a smart guy, so why would it take him this long to realize that there are always gonna be things going on in life and start cumming now? No, he just plain and simply doesn’t want a kid. And I can’t see God changing his mind now either.

If I don’t get the rest of the stuff that Gloria’s fan club promised to send real soon, I’m gonna send them a letter about it. Gloria herself did say that she’d get on people’s cases about shit like this. But to pay $18 bucks for 1 picture, 1 pin, and 2 newsletters in 2 years is getting rather ridiculous.

Later…

I’ve created a new file called the backtrak file and it’s where I’m gathering all the stuff I’ve written about life before the journals. Most of it is life before the journals, anyway.

I’m gonna continue on now with life at the beach and then maybe I can describe where other family members lived and describe them better. I’ve already described members on Tom’s side of the family since we all met after I began writing and at a time when I wasn’t such a vague writer.

When I was little we rented a few places at an all-white, predominately Jewish beach in Old Lyme, Connecticut. It was just over an hour’s drive from our house in Longmeadow. I barely remember the places we rented, but I do remember when we got the one we owned. It was a run-down shack at the time and my parents fixed it up real nice in no time at all. It wasn’t too big of a cottage at all. About 600 square feet. It was in the shape of a square and had 4 bedrooms that were square to each other, a living room and eating area, a kitchen, a bathroom, and a small enclosed porch in front. We used the first front bedroom as a den. Eventually, two walls were torn out so there was one big master bedroom and one other smaller bedroom and the den and living room became connected and formed an L shape.

I hated it there and I loved it there, but for the most part, I hated it. I had to deal with my mother’s abuse and I was always jealous of other kids cuz they got to stay up later, or cuz they could wear the clothes they wanted or their hair the way they wanted and I don’t know how many other mothers called their daughters fat pigs. At the same time most mothers believe their kids are the best and want to show them off and speak well of them, my mother was always wishing I could be like some other kid and she had a lot of negative things to say about me constantly.

We were 7 cottages away from the start of the beach and next to me, lived Andy and his family for the summer. Our parents were good friends for about 30 years until the mid-70s.

We were on a lot called KOMMS since 7 families bought the 7 cottages at once on this lot. The last names were the initials. The K’s had a 2-story cottage. All the other cottages were the same size as ours.

My mother always made Tammy and I spend the day on the beach unless it was raining and I hated that. I’d want to go back and listen to music and just be alone, besides sleeping in, but Ma wouldn’t have it.

Some of the happier times I remember are when Nana and Pa, my mom’s parents, would come down from time to time and stay with us for a few days. July 4th fireworks were always nice as were the weekly movies they’d have a night on the beach and all the games they’d have a few streets down on Hartford Ave. Our street was Breen Ave.

Later…

I’ll continue on with the beach later, but Robin’s so full of it already! They just came home next door blaring that car stereo and I could hear it in the kitchen. That definitely would’ve woken me up and I couldn’t have been dreaming the other day. Oh, I’m so fucking pissed! Doesn’t this guy get it? If I get woken up one more time, I’m gonna go over there and talk to him.

FRIDAY, APRIL 12, 1996
It was 13 years ago today that I jumped and I’m doing all I can to keep my mind off of it so as not to have any flashbacks.

I want to type the very bizarre conversation I had with Robin yesterday and I really mean it when I say it’s the wildest conversation I’ve ever had with her. I can’t type it, though, cuz something’s wrong with the computer. I get a weird message about something about a disk drive error. Then it says to press any key to continue, but that doesn’t help. Well, Tom should be home in an hour and a half so then he can fix it.

I’ve been forgetting all about working on backtracking through my life, but I’ll probably get back to that at some point during my next journal.

I asked Tom if he was reading my journals. He said no, which a good 95% - 98% of me believes.

Hopefully, Tom can find a new transformer for the vibrator over the weekend. He says he doesn’t even know if he has the right one cuz it’s an unusual voltage. It figures. Everything with sex that pertains to me is unusual.

OK, about my chat with Robin. I’d love to think our chat was my imagination, but I’m as sure of it as I’m sure of when Tom and I chat.

Before I get into it, though, the question is how and why would Robin want to turn on me? What did I do to make her tell me such a lie? Although, she did say she expected me to laugh and not believe her and that I could cuss her out and call her a liar all I wanted.

Well, she says I’ll be pregnant real soon, and that it’s over (all the torture and misery I felt about this subject). She knows it’s been a long hard haul, but that I got through it and survived. She swears I’ll be pregnant real soon and no, God doesn’t hate me and it won’t kill me or my marriage. She says it’ll help our marriage, the labor and delivery will go fast and that I won’t need a C-section and I won’t be as sick as I was in the NHA. We had a very lengthy discussion, so I’ll try to remember everything else we talked about later.

Later…

I had one of the two huge baked potatoes I made and Tom can have the other one.

Anyway, Robin said she had no exact dates on anything and didn’t know when or if I’d quit smoking. Actually, she said I would, but doesn’t know when. She said she gets all her information from God and that she knows my basic life plan and when I’ll die, but doesn’t know little details and trivial stuff. In other words, she doesn’t necessarily know what I’ll eat for dinner tomorrow.

She told me that it’s not that Tom really didn’t want a kid or had been planning on waiting, but that things going on in our lives were the issue. She said his subconscious will soon become free of worries about waiting till nothing’s going on cuz he’s gonna realize that things are always gonna be going on and that his subconscious will stop using that as an excuse.

She said I could tell Tom of our talk, but to try to remain as low-key as I can to help fate play itself out, even though it’s fated to be anyway and is inevitable.

Later…

I stopped writing cuz Andy called. He too, didn’t really know what to make of what Robin said.

Tom’s home now and says he’s working from 9 PM - 5 AM tomorrow night.

Back to what Robin said. She said whether I hated her or not and whether I wanted her to or not, she’ll always be looking out for me.

Yeah, well, if I find out she’s lying and she’s got to be, I’m not gonna want a damn thing to do with her anymore and I shall hope that she’ll be prepared to tell me why she had to suddenly start lying to me. Why would she want to hurt me? She was right about next door and other stuff, so why would she want to lie to me now?

I don’t think next door’s been over there, though, since yesterday or nearly two days ago.

I did tell Tom of my talk with Robin and he said don’t jump to conclusions cuz that’s what gets in the way of things happening. He said don’t believe or disbelieve her, but just let things play themselves out before deciding whether it’s true or not. He said this, but his appearance and mannerisms seemed to say, “This isn’t gonna happen so don’t bother getting your hopes up. It’s not at all gonna happen cuz I’m gonna keep on making sure it doesn’t.”

He also said he doesn’t have to read my journals to know I write bad things about him since I say bad things about him.

Oh, okay. Well, I may have said mean things to him out of anger, but other than that, I simply write what I see and believe.

Tom fixed the computer problem. He’s using the computer now, guiding Eldon, who he says is so stupid, through his latest computer crisis.

I need to update my journal chart sometime soon. The typed version I like to have, I mean. The written one I keep in #77 is all up to date. I just wish our ribbon wasn’t so dead, so I’ll just print at a higher resolution.

If I remember anything else Robin and I spoke about, I’ll write it in, of course. Right now I’m gonna go listen to music.

One more thing. Alex had bad arm luck, but fortunately for him, he didn’t break it. He just banged it up in a skiing accident.

Later…

What a scary close call I just had! I went out to smoke a cigarette, then when I turned around to come back in, there was a black widow on the door. Tom killed it, but is it a coincidence that it should be here on this day? I hope not and I sure hope they don’t ever come inside the house!

My birds are up now, but I’m not sure if I’m brave enough to go back out there just yet. Yesterday a bird tried to land in the back room window, but the strip around it was too narrow for him to stay there for more than a few seconds. We’re gonna make a little perch for them one of these days.

I wish he’d hurry up and get off the phone so I can finish typing the last 30 pages of the last book.

Perhaps I should go read for now.

When it warms up out there so I can turn the cooler on to keep the smell out, I’ll spray Raid around the doorway and those parts of the patio area where I hang out.

Later…

I just remembered. That’s it! No wonder I had such a horrible feeling when I went out back at around 1:30 AM. It was due to the black widow being right there. I really do vibe spiders. This has been one of my continual strengths as far as ESP goes.

I wonder if the coupon I got for Midol is a “sign” to help me to be low-key. It’s for PMS and I’m gonna give it a try.

THURSDAY, APRIL 11, 1996
Tom should be home any minute now, so I’ll just say that before I fell asleep close to noon, Robin came to me and told me I’d sleep just fine and that I still had nothing to worry about as far as next door’s concerned. She also wouldn’t say what or give any details, but she did say that I’d be surprised by what could happen by July 10th. I’m not sure I buy the last thing she said, but she sure did mean it when she said I’d sleep okay and for this, I’m more than grateful.

Later…

Tom’s home and eating now. It still doesn’t look good for him working nights. Yeah, I figured. I mean, I’m not surprised, since it just doesn’t seem meant to be for us to spend more time together. Even if we spent all day and every day together, I still don’t think we’d have more sex. The lack of sex and the denial of a kid isn’t just God’s doing. It’s his own choice too. You can’t make yourself get into something you’re just not into. And you can’t always make someone into something or make them do something they don’t want to do. He still has hopes of finding a way to get on nights full-time, but I have a strong vibe that it isn’t gonna happen.

Like I said, things will be the same for years in general and there’ll never be a kid. I told him, though, not to just take my word for it and to check it out anyway. I just think that the more we want something, the less likely it is to happen (especially with me). Sometimes I really wish I wasn’t psychic. I hate having a strong vibe of something bad and then knowing it’s gonna happen, then seeing it happen. If I weren’t psychic, it’d still be obvious, for example, that Tom doesn’t want a kid by his not cumming. If he couldn’t get hard at all, then I’d believe he had a true problem that was out of his control. But anyone that’s the way he is has one fear in mind and one fear only…a kid.

Yesterday I got to thinking about all the pictures my mom stole. Boy, I sure do miss them at times.

I asked Tom if there’s anything he’d like me to tell this journal and he said I could get writing my retractions. Meaning, say I’m sorry that I say he’s a liar. I told him he hasn’t given me any reason to and that if he pulls his pants down and gives me a reason to, then I will.

I then mentioned calling the radio station to try to request a song, but then he said I won’t be listening to it (cuz we’ll be having sex). Now he’s in the bathroom taking a dump and he took in a library book with him. Yeah, I’ll bet he’s jerking it off right now, too.

Andy left me a message in response to my laughing on his machine about the snow Tammy’s got and he was laughing, too. He said he talked to his friend Adam at the hotel and that he and his coworkers were so jealous about it being 88 degrees here today.

Later…

We had sex and now he’s gone to bed. I told him that I’d write in here about how he’s gonna finish what I’ve started before he falls asleep. He just denied that, of course, and told me I was a nut.

There were pros and cons to the sex we just had. After my periods I feel better emotionally, but it’s harder for me to cum and I thought I’d never cum at one point. The good thing about his not wanting to fully participate in sex is that I can just have him pull out and go down on me if I’m close but am having a hard time cumming easily. If the sex was mutual for us, I wouldn’t be able to do that without him feeling teased and saying I was selfish.

So, that goes to prove again that all bad things have good in them and that good things have bad in them.

He picked up 3 interesting books from the library today when he went to return my John Saul book and renew another one I’ve just begun. One’s titled How to Turn Hobbies into Cash, but it’s not what we thought it’d be about. We thought that if your hobby is drawing, for example, it’d tell you the best way to go about selling your drawings, but instead it’s about selling others that draw things related to drawing. Take my journal-writing, for example, I’d be selling other people’s journals, pens, bookmarks and stuff like that.

The other one is Card Games for Two which is nice since everything’s usually family this and family that.

The last one was instructions for many different kinds of games.

Later…

I just stopped to feed the birds. That weird-looking one I call Measles, that’s white with gray splotches, comes around regularly now.

I just realized something. Tom’s exact words were that I could “retract all the horrible things I’ve been writing about him.”

A-ha. So, he’s been reading my journals. How else would he know I’ve been writing horrible things about him? That’d even mean that he’s read my list of stuff I said won’t happen by July 10th. You see, the reason why we agreed to not read what each other wrote was so that one couldn’t be influenced by the other, but I know better. Meaning, it doesn’t matter what I say, cuz if it isn’t something he wants, there’s nothing I could do to influence him into it. So, if he’s read my list or anything else, oh well. It’s not gonna change a damn thing. He’s a very stubborn, arrogant and determined guy. If he decides there’ll be no kid, there’ll be no kid and he’ll do or say whatever he has to do to get his way while keeping me and anything else he may want to keep along with it. Just as long as nothing enters his life that he’s against. Of course, he’d be against getting in a car accident, but that’s nothing he can guarantee in the way that he could guarantee that I don’t get pregnant.

To break down and examine one of the 3 theories I have as to why God’s dead-set against me having a child - the paying for the sins of the forefathers one, well, I thought about it. Now, all my life I’ve felt punished and have been punished/cursed in many different ways. One thing after another. I wonder, then, if it’s possible that God wanted to torture me with Tom’s not cumming, then at a later date will let Tom not be afraid to cum, then I’ll have to deal with the torture of really knowing that the DES did get the best of me. I already know that, but then there’s really knowing it. I’ve only been sprayed 10-15 times before by other guys, so maybe that’s it. Maybe he wants to torture me for a few years with this, then let him let himself cum, then get my hopes up slightly, only to see that year after year the DES got me. I don’t know. After all, it does seem more likely that together Tom and God will see to it that Tom just never cums at all. No matter if we see doctors or not and no matter what’s going on in our lives.

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 10, 1996
I’m not sure if I dreamt it or if next door’s car music really did wake me up. Tom said there was no way it was next door cuz he didn’t hear anything, and he saw the 3 of them pull in as he went out to pick up smokes an hour earlier. Then, how could I dream something that seemed so real? I’ll tell you one thing for sure, though. If that damn car stereo does wake me up, I won’t hesitate to go over there and say, “Look, I’ve asked you twice and now I’m asking for the last time that you cut the thing down upon coming and going. Way down.”

I asked Tom if they had their music on when they arrived and he said no, so I guess we’ll just have to wait and see. It does appear that they are here full-time, though.

I’m just so sick of other people’s noise. Their dogs, their kids, their cars, etc. One good thing about it is that I haven’t heard the kid next door. Yet. I’m almost ready to believe Robin on this one, but not quite just yet. Not fully anyhow, and as for believing her when she says I’ll be pregnant soon enough? What a joke!

Tom says we might not even be here in the mid-summer. I asked him if he knew something I didn’t and he said no, he’s just more faithful in things and more optimistic. That seems more like being unrealistic to me and like a tease or a joke unless we win the lottery. I still say it’ll be several years before we move, but something else he said was a definite joke. He said that he thinks I’ll find something to do that I like. He said sometime this year is when he thinks I’ll find that, but probably even by mid-summer. I know he’s talking about the kid, but I still didn’t think he still thought I was stupid. I thought he was over his old tricks. I wasn’t about to call him a liar, cuz then he’d just insist that it was simply his opinion and he has a right to that. Well, the good thing about it is that he did say nothing’s guaranteed. Sure they are. Some things are. I can guarantee we’ll never have a kid.

Andy and I were talking about that last night. He’s not sure why he feels cursed and why he’s destined to be alone forever, but his theory is that one where we pay for the sins of our forefathers from 4000 years ago. He said it was written in the bible and that this sick, unfair rule of God was meant for the Jews. Well, the fact that the bulk of the bible is BS, gives me hope that this isn’t true. I know God does lots of sick, cruel, and mean things, but who knows? I know God can’t hate gays. Hell, he doesn’t even hate murderers, cuz if he hated anything or anyone, then I should think he’d eliminate it altogether from the face of the earth.

Andy says he believes that he won’t know the reasons why he was cursed in certain ways till after he’s dead, whereas I have 3 theories as to why God’s denying me a kid. 1. To pay for the sins of my forefathers. 2. Cuz it’d kill me and my marriage. 3. Cuz I’m not a bad enough person who kills or does other serious crimes, nor have I been a victim of such a thing as bad as molestation or anything like that. It’s got to be 1 or more of these 3 things, cuz if there’s any other reason, I can’t see it.

This isn’t a complaint, since I can’t hear it in the house, but just an observation. I am amazed at how much late-night noise I hear off in the distance. As late as midnight I can hear adults, dogs and even kids.

I just hope that the day will really come when I fully realize I don’t have to worry about next door or be paranoid about them in any way. And I hope it comes soon. Right now for example, even though Tom insists it was a dream, I’m afraid of being woken up by that damn bass of the car music, the next time I go to bed. Not only do I not want to worry for my sake, I really want a damn good excuse and reason to really believe in Robin. Oh, I believe in her. I just don’t know if I can buy every single thing she tells me. Should I believe everything she’s told me about next door, about Tom not lying about the kid and about my getting pregnant, I wonder what was their purpose in all this? To help me get through the waiting time till I know these things for sure if I ever really do? If she’s bullshitting me on that, then why would she do that? To go along with the story of my life? Meaning, God’s insistence that I be bullshitted so much? Is she just a new liar to replace old liars who are either no longer in my life or those who are but who no longer lie to me?

Before going to Andy’s yesterday, I got a message that Karson left him that he stuck on my machine. Karson was whining something along the lines of, “I know Mystery’s mad at me cuz I’m pregnant but tell her that her idol is gonna be performing here live sometime soon, but I don’t know when for sure.”

That’s OK cuz I hate live concerts and Gloria will be here in July and Andy and I both certainly hate Karson’s guts. Well, I can’t say that I hate her as she never really did me wrong. She’s just too whacked out and I’m not the Massachusetts Jodi anymore, so I don’t like getting phone calls 5 times a day anymore.

I’m doing a large ceiling-to-floor cat for Andy, but it’s somewhat different from mine. Its tail will be behind it, rather than gathered around in front of it like mine.

Andy’s place may be somewhat quieter than here, but although he has no desire to move for quite a while, he’s come to see that it’s not as quiet as he thought it’d be. He says across the street from him he hears a baby cry on a daily basis. Also, he does hear some dogs. I heard one for about two minutes while I was there, but couldn’t see or tell where it was coming from.

I typed up a book with recipes for arts and crafts stuff in it for Tom. It was a library book that is due back today. There were just over 100 of them and I did it in 3 days. I also did manage to size up letters on Kim’s stationery that she sent, after a few tries.

Later…

OK, what the hell is he up to now? Get this, he’s now trying to tell me that there are significant changes going on in our lives, but I can’t see them cuz they’re gradual changes and I’m not used to gradual changes, only sudden ones.

First of all, let me say that it doesn’t look good at all for him getting on nights. Bummer, but I guess they’re just not gonna need more people cuz according to him, there’s hardly any work to do. Now who knows if and when we’ll ever get ahead in life and have more time together? He says, though, that this is a good thing cuz he at least didn’t get himself locked into anything. True, and I guess he’s gonna have to stay on days for a while, but that good feeling I had revolving around a job or raise in June is hopefully still on. I mean, I still hope that something better comes up for him during that time.

Anyway, he said he’s so sure that my life won’t be the same by July 10th and that he wants us both to write down what we feel won’t change and he’ll let me throw it in his face and call him a liar in July if I’m as right as I know I’ll be. So, we wrote down what we think will still be the same (believe me, my life will be the same for years) and we didn’t show each other what we wrote. Instead, we sealed them in an envelope which is not to be opened till then.

He really loves to play games with me. And what is he, does he get off on me throwing things up in his face or something? Does he get off by my calling him a liar and telling him I told him so about certain things he insists will change or happen that I know won’t or can’t?

God is he weird! He either knows something I don’t or is just playing his usual games. The trick is to get my hopes up or try to anyway just to see me fail, not get what I want so I can be upset over it while he laughs to himself.

Nonetheless, here’s what I wrote. Things that won’t happen or change by July 10th:

I’ll still be smoking.
I’ll still have a weird schedule.
We’ll still be living here.
The money situation may be better, but not a lot.
You still won’t cum.
I won’t be pregnant.
I either won’t be working or I’ll be doing something that’s no big deal to me.
You still won’t want to have sex more often with me and sex will still be basically one-sided (for me).
I’ll still be angry at you here and there and feel you’re lying and teasing me about having a kid and that it’s not what you want.
We won’t have the bed or even half of the material things we want.
Later…

I just called Tammy about an hour ago and she sounded really bummed out. She told me to check the computer for her message. I immediately thought something was wrong. I thought maybe Bill was sick or something. I asked if she needed to talk and she said no. So I told her I’d go check the message, then send a reply. She said, “Oh, I’m sure you will.”

She woke up to a foot of snow, schools were closed, she had to cancel patients since Bill took her van which ended up getting stuck, she was cold, etc.

Oh, this is soooooooooooooo fucking funny!! So they’re getting April snow showers, instead of April showers! I left Andy a message, laughing my ass off as I read her message. It’ll totally make his day. He could wake up on the wrong side of the bed and this will totally snap him out of it.

It’s already getting hot out there, but God how I hate it here at times! Those fucking dogs two yards down really make me wish I had a gun! It’s so sad and so cruel just how many dogs are left outside 24/7. If I didn’t know any better, I’d swear Arizona had a law against dogs being allowed indoors.

They better fucking not wake me up next door, either, or I’ll be sooo pissed and boy will I let them know it! Please Robin, please be right and watch over me and keep them quiet! Please don’t compensate me for the peace I’ve had since the music stopped across the street and since the M’s shut up (except for the ball games and dogs). Please don’t stick the car music on me in place of kids or ball games. Please, God, please!? I know I’m blessed with being in Arizona, but please let me sleep and have my peace?!

As far as the lousy winter goes that New England’s had in ‘93 and ‘96, compensation really does happen. No wonder I can’t have a kid and Andy’s loveless.

Mike Tyson’s in trouble again since a woman filed a sexual assault charge on him. See? A rapist can’t be changed. No matter if they’re rich, poor, famous or not.

The Phoenix Pig Department is under fire again too, for harassing people. I never thought I could hate pigs and authority figures so much, but I do. When Andy was driving me home the other night, the pigs were speeding for no reason at all. They think they’re God.

Sometimes I’m pretty sure I hate just about everyone in general.

TUESDAY, APRIL 9, 1996
Well, Tom should be home any minute now.

From 11:30 PM - 3:00 AM I was at Andy’s He picked me up and fed me lasagna from work, then he went out food shopping while I got very, very lucky. I didn’t think I’d be able to do another cat drawing as I’ve got in the music room, but so far, so good.

He’s home now, so I’ll write more about it later.

MONDAY, APRIL 8, 1996
Tom fixed the bathroom sink which is nice. Before, the water would fill up in the sink and take forever to drain.

For the millionth time, I told Tom that I need and want to have more sex and that I don’t want to feel like I’m the last priority of the day. I may be glad I don’t have the typical male here, but must he be so different? Can’t he be somewhat like the average guy for a change and not be so weird? Will my message sink in this time or is he really never gonna be that into me and sex?

He did go down on me, which was great. Then, after a few minutes of banging, he had to stop due to his worries and doubts as to what I thought of him. Perfect timing to ask such a thing. I mean, I’m glad he asked, but he’s a real winner, I swear!

I’m gonna go now and see if I can fit print on some really pretty floral stationery Kim sent me. Then, maybe I’ll start Sarah’s letter, as well as Kim and Bob’s.

SUNDAY, APRIL 7, 1996
Soon, I’ll be writing about going over to his parents’ place and more. First, though, I’d like to watch some TV.

Later…

He woke me up at 2 PM and yes, I was dog tired, but I woke up quickly. We took off an hour later for Mom and Dad’s where food and people were waiting for us.

Steven and Carol were there and soon Ray and Nora came over. Their daughter Jackie was there with her boyfriend and her boyfriend’s kid. The boyfriend, Jim, who lives in an apartment, was going on about how he too, hates the paper-thin walls the apartments have out here.

Then Carol went on to say how people in houses aren’t always so quiet either. From the sound of it, she’s got a large family next to her as well as a dog that never shuts up.

After a few hours, we came home.

It looks like they might be fully moved in. Tom said he saw a black car out there, but I’ve only seen a red one and a blue one, so who knows whose it is. I could’ve sworn I heard the kid screaming over there.

Great. I’m really gonna enjoy that next fall when we turn off our fans and stuff like that that helps block noise from outside.

Tom’s got to stay up late cuz he’s working the night shift this week. I’m sure he’s also putting sex off (if he wants it) till the last minute to tease me and to make it easier for him to hold back. He still hasn’t touched me, but hey, he just has to punish me for nearly taking away his favorite thing to tease me with. For the most part, I’d still rather cry over never having a kid, than have one.

SATURDAY, APRIL 6, 1996
The vibrator is just about completely dead and Tom said that the transformer he put on died and that it wasn’t the right one. Well, then why’d he put this one on? He says he has others that are right for it.

He wanted to have sex earlier but then changed his mind cuz I had to tell him something first. I can’t do or say anything in order to get laid! He knew when I was going to use the vibrator, too, and why he didn’t offer himself instead, beats me.

He also swears he didn’t lie about wanting to place the bet, he said he made a mistake by placing that bet and didn’t know it’d be a mistake at the time he placed it with me. He said you can’t call someone a liar for making a mistake. What a casual way to cover up the truth! I mean, how fucking convenient! He’s gonna use that same idea for the appointment next year if we do go. He’ll say he thought maybe it could help us and he honestly tried to make it work and let it help him, but that’ll be a mistake, too.

He swears he still wants a kid and that it’s possible, but I don’t want to be set up by him or myself to fall, even though it sometimes makes me so very, very sad to know we’ll never have one.

He asked me if I meant it when I said I didn’t want a kid a few days ago. I do, but I know it’s not right and that it won’t happen, so it doesn’t matter what I want, right? Not when he’s got all the control and the power to let us have a kid or to make sure we don’t. The ball’s in his court and it’s all up to him, as I told him. Along with God.

Why does God hate me so much? Sometimes I feel he hates me so damn much and really wants to just torture the shit out of me. What did I do to make him hate me so much? And if it’s true that we pay for the sins of our forefathers, then what did any of my ancestors do that was so bad? He must have hated the hell out of someone so bad that did something so very wrong to have me pay for it for the rest of my life, if it isn’t all cuz it’s me he hates and me only. There’s always a price to pay for the wonderful things we do get, too. If I were pregnant, would God replace my life with some other issue that would make me angry and depressed? Would he make sure the kid was deformed? Would he make sure the labor and delivery drove me out of my mind? Would he make sure I was a bad mom? Would he ruin our marriage? What would he do if he let me have my way on this one? I’ll never know.

It’s so hard sometimes to tell myself that Tom and God really did make the correct decision. It’s so hard to not blow up at Tom cuz he can’t deal with that. Why can’t people just have the things they want in life? If not everything they want, then why not the things they want the most? I’m not asking to be 6 feet tall or anything far out. I’m just asking for a child to love and to hopefully be loved back by that child and to make a difference for the better in that child’s life and to not be like my mom was.

I envy Tammy and Larry. They know what they want to do with their lives and they have kids. Me? I’m 30 years old and I don’t know what the fuck I want to do since I can’t do what I want to do.

Tom said he wouldn’t have sex with me, if I didn’t want a kid, without birth control of some kind. What a waste of time, effort and money! That tells me that he’s probably thinking, “If she’s on birth control, then I can cum without having to worry about ending up with this kid I never wanted. Meanwhile, as long as she says she does want one, I’ll go along with it, say I want one, too, and take care of my own self.” He probably wouldn’t cum right away to try to cover for the truth, though, knowing him.

I still wish I knew how this was gonna end and when. Will he ever come out and admit he never wanted one? Or will he suddenly decide he doesn’t want one and tell me that, even though he never wanted one? I think he’ll always swear to wanting one, swear he tried, but just couldn’t ever cum.

This is what I did about the letters. I ditched Bob’s letters but cut out about 6 drawings he did that I like and want to draw myself and put them in the back of this journal. I kept everyone else’s letters, but will no longer keep any letters unless they’re different or special to me for some reason.

I spoke to Mom and Dad (Anna & Harry) yesterday. First Dad answered and didn’t know who I was at first. He was happy to hear from me. Then he said, “Here’s your mother.”

She got on saying, “Hi Peanuts, what’s up?” and we had a very good talk. She and her family are in good health and they were once out in Scottsdale and says you never know if they’ll ever come out here again. She says her son Freddie divorced, remarried, and has a 6-month-old son as well as a 12-year-old son with his first wife. She complimented me on my artwork and they said to give their love to Tom and that they’re so happy for me and my life out here. Of course, they don’t know that I cry over this baby I can never have. She also said she’ll be answering my letter and I told her to take her time since I know how busy she is.

Oh, how I hope Tom and I can see them someday, even if it’s for one last time.

Andy’s new number will be easy to remember. He got rid of his number that began with 508 cuz he said it was too much like a pager.

Andy got a letter from Sarah who now lives with her boyfriend in L.A. I’ll be sending her a letter and I’m sure I’ll be hearing from her, too.

Tom said it’s OK to listen to and consider what she and Robin may tell me, but that I must make my own decisions and not look for signs or other sources. Well, it’s awfully hard to make a decision you can’t make. And I’m sorry, but other sources are a factor and they don’t let me make my own decisions.

I have been having more dreams with babies in them as I asked for as a sign of whatever, but it never seems to be our kid. The kid is always someone else’s, so it seems and I’m just a bystander. It must be something about Kim getting pregnant, although she said she was gonna wait till right after she’s married. Maybe they set a date and that’s why I’ve been having more. Who knows what the dreams mean?

Tomorrow I have to get up earlier to go to his parent’s house to see Steven and his family who came in for Easter. I don’t think Steven’s wife’s son Matthew will be there, though. I think he’s with his dad. Carol’s parents own a private plane, so that’s how they came over. Steven and Carol will be staying with Mom and Dad for a couple of days I guess and they’ll surely be in for lots of noise! That place is a wild, horrendous zoo.

I’m probably gonna be bored out of my mind tomorrow for the most part, since Tom will no doubt want to stay there for hours since he doesn’t get to see Steven too often. I hope I’m not dog-tired, either.

FRIDAY, APRIL 5, 1996
Yup, the guy Andy met was ugly.

Sometimes I still wish Tom and I could have normal sex and a child, but I understand that this always will and must remain just a fantasy.

I’m through begging and pleading with Tom and God about it and they’ll never change their minds about it.

They’re over there next door now, but I don’t know for how long.

Tom’s been on the phone now for quite a while at the computer guiding Eldon through some problem.

He seems to be in a great mood since I said I knew I had to stick to my decision and since I told him I’ll try my best not to get upset over his decision which is the same as mine.

He was affectionate earlier but showed no desire to have sex. I saw a slight grin on his face when I went to use the vibrator. It was like he was saying to himself, “Oh, good. She’s gonna use the vibrator, so I don’t have to worry about her bugging me for sex.” I wonder if his grin also had to do with the fact that maybe he fucked up the vibrator as a mean, teasing joke. It seemed to lose half its power after I said I was getting dependent on it and he knows if that happens, he can’t tease me with sex as much.

I called my dad earlier to wish him a happy birthday and Ma was on the phone too. I told Dad that if we were there in June, I could help with fitting the candles on Ma’s birthday cake and that maybe we could get her a cake in the shape of an airplane.

He also said he spoke to Tammy who woke up to snow this morning! It’s April yet they still have snow!!

THURSDAY, APRIL 4, 1996
Andy’s meeting a guy he’s spoken to over that meeting line and he said he doesn’t want to waste his time on him if he’s ugly like the last guy that he met. It was kind of funny, too, cuz he said, “If he’s ugly, I’m gonna ditch him and watch Dark Shadows.” So, this is our plan. I’ll call him at 12:30 and I’ll be from out of state. I’ll say to him that I really need to talk and if he says he can’t, that means the guy’s cute. If the guy’s ugly, he’ll tell him he got an urgent long-distance call and will ditch him.

He’ll be ditching him. I know that love isn’t meant for Andy any more than a baby is for me.

Yesterday and today Tom and I talked and we both agree that we need to be able to communicate better. It’s really weird cuz I feel as if I’m one of the bluntest people, yet people still don’t get me. Also, I’m really good with most people, but he’s a tough one at times, even though I know deep down where he stands on most things. He’s just too contradicting, as far as I’m concerned and not blunt enough with me. He admitted that he’ll offer to do things for me even if he doesn’t want to. Well, then how can I believe he isn’t full of shit and saying he wants a kid when he obviously doesn’t, even though he swears he does?

I know I’m not perfect and that I can’t always deliver the things I say I’ll do, but I’m still a firm believer that actions speak louder than words. One minute he expresses how he’s afraid to do what he wants (not have a kid), but worries that I’ll be angry, bitter and resentful about it. Then in the next breath, he says he wants a kid and swears we’ll have more sex and that he’s doing all he can so we can have a kid, but won’t cum and we don’t end up having more sex, either. He can’t have his cake and eat it, too. He’s gonna have to make up his mind and do what he says he’s decided to do.

Me? My heart still cries out for a kid, but my head still believes that I made the right decision (even though I’ve got no choice and he pretends to be sad about it) not to have a kid cuz it’s not the right thing to do or a good thing to do.

Before he went to bed he said he felt better and that he’s cautiously hopeful. He says he’s encouraged but doesn’t want to jump the gun, but there really isn’t anything to hope for or to jump the gun for. We’re still gonna have our good days and our bad days and I’ll still get angry and sad over the decisions he’s made for us, etc. Regardless of our attitudes or what either of us wants, thinks, believes or feels, nothing’s gonna change. Tom and God will see to that. I will just go on loving this man for all his wonderful qualities, while still being angry at his lying to me about a kid here and there, even though I’m glad it turned out this way and glad I don’t have to worry about pregnancy, even though I’d still like that mutual sex. And he’ll go on being burdened by when I do go through my angry spells and all the while keep on denying it’s his choice to not cum and he’ll swear he always wanted a kid.

He said the most ridiculous thing to me last night. He said that if I gave up on trying for a kid now, we’ll never know if we couldn’t or could’ve had one cuz of all the fighting we’ve done about it for the last 2½ and a half years and that the last 2½ and a half years don’t count or matter. How insulting. Besides, what with most couples out there being unhappy and what with the way they fight, you’d think the human race would be just about extinct, but no, instead most couples do have kids.

TUESDAY, APRIL 2, 1996
Last night and today really sucked. But I got my period, so I’ll be OK for the next 20-some-odd days till I have to go through this anger and depression all over again.

When I asked him why the hell he made the bet in the first place if he didn’t want to, all he said was that it couldn’t hurt to do something again, even though it failed in the past and he really believed he’d cum. Yeah, right. The guy’s just got too many fucking excuses and anyone can say they really believed something would work. I’m just so sick of his excuses and how he casually lies and covers up the truth. I know that I-cum-without-warning line was just to cover up the truth. How convenient to say, “It feels so good that I don’t want to pull out, but I don’t know when to pull out to finish it off since I cum without warning.” This is total bullshit and like I said before if it feels so good to him and he loves me so much, then why isn’t that enough? Why does he always need more time to be able to cum? Wasn’t I good enough from the beginning? I know I sure as hell believe that if you love someone enough and are attracted to them, there shouldn’t be any problems unless it’s physical.

Then last night and today he’s gone on all about how sad he is about my decision not to have a kid and I know it’s all show. I know deep down the guy’s elated.

He also says he’s upset and hurt by how I said he’d abuse the kid. This was when I told him that if he could lie to his wife, he could lie to his kid, but he’d never be nearly as bad of a father as I’d be of a mother. When I said I’d beat it and do all kinds of horrible things to it, he said he was sure I wouldn’t. He just knew I wouldn’t. Well, I don’t know how or why he’s so sure of this, but it doesn’t matter anyway.

We said so many things to each other that I can’t remember every single thing we discussed and I’m so sick of getting into it even in this journal.

This morning I had such terrible cramps for the first time in quite a while and I was so very close to puking, but luckily, I didn’t. I had to take 3 Ibuprofen tablets to kill the worst of the pain and was so relieved when the worst of it was over.

Right when I got up I heard blasting rap music and I knew it was that fucking dude next door, even though I didn’t see him, but as I went out front to let him have it, there was no one there. So, I guess this one doesn’t get it. I knew the understanding M family was a rare breed. I guess he’s gonna come and go with that fucking music blaring, no matter what. But they came here quietly the other day and left with the music going not too loud at all, so why now?

We got a pen from a business pen company with the business name (Mystery Computer Enterprise) on it and that was cool.

I’m trying to decide whether or not I should ditch old letters from Kim, Bob and Alex and keep only the letters that are rare or special or very funny or interesting and different in any way. Like letters from Larry and Anne & Harry. If I do decide to ditch letters from Kim, Alex and Bob, I will still write in the highlights and anything of importance that they might say.

MONDAY, APRIL 1, 1996
Last Saturday I got a reply from Denise Austin herself. On the bottom of a standard letter, she wrote herself to exercise 5 times a week and that I could do it, etc. As famous and as busy as she is, I certainly never expected her to write to me herself. She was quite vague though at answering my question. I wanted to know if her Tone-Up 1-2-3 program was enough for me to do every other day, but she didn’t really answer that. Still, it was nice that she responded.

This weekend was a good one, and Tom lost the bet like we knew he would. Of course, he had to go on and on swearing that he wanted to win more than anything and that if we just give it a chance, we can take care of the problem ourselves and all this bullshit.

When we were screwing in the living room, he tried to tell me that when he was about to cum, he’d pull out, finish himself off, then stick it back in me when the cum came out. Then he said he didn’t know when to pull it out cuz he cums instantly without warning. As I know, though, this is impossible. You have 3 or more seconds of warning as to when you’re about to cum. Then he went on with how I’m sexy and he loves me and there’s nothing wrong with me. Well, then if that’s the case, what’s his problem? Fear of getting me pregnant, of course.

I’m not as upset about this as I thought I’d be since I expected, accepted and knew it was coming. The thought of his cumming and us having a kid is starting to go numb on me and I just don’t know if I want it as bad anymore with the way he is.

I’m glad we won’t be having sex till Saturday, cuz I kind of want to just be on my own for a while. It still isn’t that easy always just forgetting and getting close to a liar who’s betrayed you in a big way and is denying you something you had dreamed of and wanted. He may as well have made the decision for us both and gone and tied my tubes up or something.

Due to my writing about his lying about not cumming, and not being able to have a kid, I was blinded from something else I was forgetting that’s very much the case and important. There is still God and the DES. Even if Tom came, I still really wonder if I could get pregnant anyway. All I know is that it’s over. There’s absolutely no way I can or will ever have a child. I’m 100% it’s not meant to be and there’s some good in this decision, too, that God and Tom have made for me. All I have to do is keep on plugging at getting over it and looking at the many good things there are to their decision.

Tom admitted that he was a liar. He said that placing the bet was a bad thing cuz he can’t stand timetables. Then, why didn’t he tell me? And why did he lie about it and say he’d win? And he begs me to trust him? Yeah, right! And like this also makes me determined to get us to a doctor next year. I really don’t think so. Not with his attitude and lies.

Yesterday Tom rigged the cable so we could see that sex channel. It really wasn’t anything that interesting or exciting, though.

Yesterday I hit the jackpot on a few things I bought. First we went over and got Ma and took her to buy a tape player while Dad slept. She couldn’t find one she wanted and of course, she had to stop and look at things for Nickolena and a lot of her conversation was about her. I know she loves Tom and me, but sometimes I still feel that it’s the ones with kids who are superior to the rest or think that they are and that others think they are.

Then we went back and got Dad and the 4 of us went to a nursery where they got a couple of plants and I got a small pot with 5 different cactuses in it. Soon, we’re going to get Prickly Pears which are my favorite cactus and they’re only about $18. They had my favorite palm tree, too, called Queen Ann, but they were pretty expensive.

Then we went back to their place for a little while and oh my God! It was almost like the NHA, even though nothing’s quite that bad. Kids next door to them as well as behind them were screaming up a storm and bashing their ball against poor mom and dad’s fence. How do they stand it? Ma said they played their music so loud that they could hear it in the bedroom the night before. I don’t see how they can deal with it and they can easily afford to move.

Then Tom and I went out to Walgreens where I got 3 new lipsticks. Two of them are too light. I got purple nail polish and 3 new beautiful journals for only $3 each. I saw the 3 there that my parents sent me, too.

Later…

Tom just came home and I told him my mind is permanently made up. No kid. Not with the way I’d be an abusive mother and with the way he’s proven to me he’d lie like hell to the kid. I may always want one, I love Tom and think he’s a great husband (when he isn’t lying) but there’s no way I could ever have a kid with him or without him, even if I could get pregnant. I’m 100% sure I’m doing the right thing and I’m gonna stand behind this for keeps.

Then he says we just won’t have sex then, till we make up our minds, but I just did make up my mind. And he made his mind up a long time ago. He just said we won’t have sex to punish me for taking away something he can no longer tease me about, but that’s fine.

Look at it realistically…we fight so much over this baby that doesn’t exist, so imagine just how much we’d fight if it did exist. No thanks.

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Last updated June 13, 2024