February 1996 in 1990s

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 28, 1996
We screwed yesterday and I didn’t have to beg. I only asked once. Do I think he’d have initiated it if I didn’t? No. He prefers to wait until the weekends, but that’s OK.

I’m gonna be giving him his first sign language lesson tonight. I’m gonna teach the way teachers do and the way I’ve taught before. I’ll start with the alphabet, then I’ll do the chapters containing the most common and useful words.

I spoke to my mom yesterday, but not Dad. He was asleep. They both have colds.

Mom started to ask if I looked for something, but then she changed the subject and told me to never mind. I have no clue as to what that could’ve been all about. If she were talking about a package she’s sent, she wouldn’t keep it such a secret.

I’m tired today due to going to sleep late and getting up early. Usually, I wake up when I get going, but nowadays, if I’m tired to begin with, then that’s how I stay all day and night.

The cable company added about 40 new channels and I hope soon enough that we can get some kind of TV guide that lists all these new channels. There’s one channel I like so far cuz it has Twin Peaks. There’s also one with The Bionic Woman.

Tom and I got to the end of the Myst game yesterday. Boring! I also completed all 50 levels of Balistic yesterday, too.

I think I really remembered what Robin really said to me in the cabin before she took me to her cabin. First I thought she said she’d kiss or tickle me, but I think she took my hand and teasingly said to go to sleep and that she wouldn’t stop kissing me till I fell asleep or if I didn’t go to sleep she’d keep kissing me. Or was it tickling me? I don’t know.

Guess I’ll go read the last of my library books now. I just started it, but I know I’ll finish it by 3/16 when it’s due.

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 27, 1996
Yesterday, sure enough, that teenager showed up to play ball. When I spoke to him, I told him I could deal with it twice a week for a half-hour and so far he’s kept his end of the deal.

I was a bit bummed out last night and today about Tom’s “good news” about this sick leave he discovered he has. How dare he keep playing with my head?! He said he has worried he couldn’t get time off for this new baby we’ll never have. What else has he been worrying about that he hasn’t told me pertaining to a kid? Well, I guess it doesn’t matter.

We’ve got lots of new channels today. More reason for Tom to be glued to the TV than doing whatever with me. I’ve already got to wait till Saturday to get laid. Maybe if I beg for it I’ll get it, but I’d really rather not beg.

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 26, 1996
I’m watching Charlie’s Angels now.

It’s very cool and windy out now. I’m amazed it hasn’t knocked out the cable.

I mopped the kitchen floor and made Tom Hamburger Helper for his dinner when he comes home.

I quickly spoke to my mom. She and Dad have colds.

It rained last night, but I don’t know for how long. I awoke at 10:30, but only to pee and smoke a cigarette. It also rained a little while ago very briefly, but the good news about it is that it doesn’t look like the roof over the back room leaked.

I hope no one will play ball next door today like they didn’t yesterday. It was obviously due to the cool damp weather we’ve been having. I wish it were summer. It’s so quiet in the summer, but by then, someone will surely be next door.

I wish I could run into that kid so I could ask him what the hell he meant when he told me about the black lady and her 13-month-old son. Maybe such a lady did exist and just told him that for the hell of it. Or, maybe she really was gonna move in but changed her mind.

Yesterday I read 170 pages in my library book. Definitely the most I’ve ever read in one day.

Later…

Tom just got in early cuz he went to bed early. He says there’s a possibility of snow here tonight. There fucking better not be!

I was wrong last Saturday when I said there’d certainly be no sex cuz of our little squabble the night before. He initiated a good screw. Yesterday he went down on me and I sure hope I don’t have to wait till next Saturday for sex.

He got solutions to the game Myst from AOL yesterday, but most of it is impossible to understand.

As I said, the weekend was fun, happy and productive. There was only one dumb thing he did.

He called me to the kitchen table saying he had good news to tell me. Then he picked up an employee handbook from work and showed me how he had accumulated sick days he didn’t even know he had. He said his point was that he could use those days after the baby was born and that he had been worried that he wouldn’t have time. Oh, brother! Time for what? To talk about it? To tease and pretend it’ll happen?

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 25, 1996
How many kids will I have to chase away from next door’s basketball hoop today? Yesterday, shortly after 6:00, I was about to go chase them off, but they left as quickly as they had come, luckily. I wish I knew someone who’d destroy that fucking thing! It’s too fucking close to this house! They may as well be bouncing the damn ball off the walls of the house here.

I got a message from Tammy yesterday who said that if I just ease up and let things happen naturally, all will work out. Including having a baby.

It’s almost like she and Tom spoke about this. Her choice of words is just like Tom’s when she said to “let things happen naturally.” And also, how does she know I have a hard time easing up? What makes her so confident as to what the problem is? How and why is she so confident that in time it’ll work out and that he’s telling the truth? She says exactly what Tom and Kim said about it.

We stopped over at his parent’s yesterday and Mary and Dave were there, too.

Time to go start this week’s round of letters to my parents, Kim and Bob.

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 24, 1996
Tom wouldn’t have offered to screw me yesterday on his own, but he agreed to when I asked him. I then changed my mind, though, and had him eat me out cuz I had wanted to go to bed.

After eating me out, though, we got into another one of our losing, depressing, angering, frustrating, and confusing conversations. If I’ve said this before, I’ve never said it now with such intense certainty. I could never have a child with this guy, even if it were possible. He’s just too contradicting, too full of shit and that kid would really kill our marriage.

When I told him yesterday that I feel controlled and that everything has to be his way, he turned that all on me. I told him that I feel that he won’t give going to a doctor earlier a chance to see if it’d help my emotional state and that all he cares about are his feelings. To hell with if I have to spend another year or longer depressed. Then he said something about the fact that he may never be whole again and may go over the edge and never be able to have a family if we went earlier. Now how can anyone tell me he wants a kid and isn’t trying to punish me? His not cumming or going to a doctor isn’t just due to his fears of having a kid and due to loving to tease me about it. It’s to punish me.

Then he comes out and says his problem could be cuz the moon is round after I asked him if he thought the reasons for his not cumming could be what I think they are. This isn’t what he’s always told me. He’s firmly sworn it wasn’t cuz of what I said it was.

Then he said another cold statement to cover the truth. He said he’s worried about having a kid with me for doubting him so much that I’d want to see a doctor earlier. What a mean spiteful thing to say cuz he feels being pushed into being the father he doesn’t want to be that he lies about and says he does want to be.

What am I supposed to think after two and a half years? What woman wouldn’t doubt him if she were in my shoes?

Then he said that if I could go 6 months on a day schedule, cuz it’s something I say I can’t do, so that should motivate me, and we’ll see a doctor in September.

What about motivating himself? Also, how sweet of him to say we’ll go if I do something we know I can’t do cuz that’s how much he doesn’t want to go.

Nonetheless, I’ve come to fully realize that this man wouldn’t be any better of a father than I’d be as a mother. I told him the appointment is off and that he either must sacrifice an orgasm with his wife forever, or rubber it up if he wants to cum. I’m telling you, though, where I used to be getting fed up by the month, I’m getting fed up by the day!

Know what his bullshit answer to losing the bet will be? Cuz we fought so much. Or something else going on in life or something I did.

I swear I’m getting ready to have Andy see if he can find a fairly decent enough-looking woman for me on the side, although, I know that’s impossible. And I’m really, really ready for us to have our own rooms again.

Tom also had said something about fear of going to the doctor cuz he fears how my emotional state would be due to something about my calling him a liar or finding out something was wrong.

See? He does know why he is the way he is, and he obviously fears I’d kick his ass. Yeah, I probably would punch him out first and ask questions later if he admitted to bullshitting me all along, but who wouldn’t? Who wouldn’t then want to know how and why he could do such a thing?

I’ll just live the rest of my life wanting a kid cuz I have no choice, but I won’t live the rest of my life playing games with him.

He also tells me he can’t talk to me about his problems which is pure BS and simply a way of lashing out at me for knowing and saying that he’s full of shit.

Tammy said to keep the communication going and this is what we’ve agreed to do from the get-go, yet as he admits, this only frustrates him. Then to punish me further, he won’t cum and blames it on me for bringing it up. I’m sorry I can’t hold in or mask my emotions, but who else am I supposed to talk to? The only things I can bring up regularly are things he wants. If he wanted a kid, then I could bring it up with no problems all I wanted.

He tells me he feels pressured. Why else would he feel pressured if he really wanted a kid? The reason why he feels pressured is cuz he does not want to be a father.

As far as I know, no one’s returned next door since they left yesterday at 11 AM. Tom said that was probably a city worker who took her kid to work with her. He says it’s become a big thing for people to take their kids to work if they can’t find or afford some other place for them. He says there are always kids where he works. There’s another reason why he doesn’t want a kid, I’ll bet. He deals with them enough already at work.

Then why would the kid say someone was moving in? Was it just in the hopes that I’d say, “Well, OK then. If the new neighbor said you could use the basketball hoop, then use it.”

Did the woman and her kid get delayed till tomorrow then? Or did someone drive her here? Does she not have a car but is really in there and this is why it just looks empty?

Whenever Tom gets up, he’s gonna go get some groceries.

At some point, we’ll be going to the library, then possibly over to his parents’ today or tomorrow.

There’ll certainly be no sex today to punish me for last night, but that’s just fine with me.

God, though! If I weren’t going through this shit with him, I wouldn’t have so much to write and would probably be 20-30 journals behind. Then again, I don’t think so cuz then there’d just be some other shit. Some other shit would be going on for me to deal with. I kind of wish there was something else for a change instead of wanting this kid I’ll never be allowed to have.

Later…

So far today, there’s been no one next door, so who knows what the scoop is?

We went to the library and he got 2 electronic books while I got 3 mystery/haunting-type books. So far there’s one I just can’t get into.

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 23, 1996
Before I get into my terrible news, let me just say that Tammy’s opinion hasn’t convinced me that Tom isn’t deliberately holding back. He still hasn’t touched me cuz I’m not safe, even though I am. I knew he wouldn’t touch me all week as I said before. See? I know him. So, if I wasn’t wrong about things like this, why should I be wrong about the kid thing?

Tom asked me earlier if I was gonna be up when he got home. A typical question when he’s suggesting sex for later. He’s teasing me, though. I know him better. He’s done that before, but especially when I’m mid-cycle and I know he knows I’m mid-cycle.

OK, here’s my horrible news. I’ll give you a hint - screaming, barking, basketball games and wild company. Yup, the house next door has been sold.

A basketball game started yesterday afternoon, so I went out to chase the guy away. It was a teenager and I’m not sure if it was the same one as before. I told him that that house wasn’t vacant with the hopes that he’d tell his pals and stay the fuck away. Then he said he knew the house wasn’t vacant and that last night he met the black lady and her 13-month-old son that was to be moving in today and she said he could play there.

Shit! However, there’s no for-sale sign. I wondered if it was now a HUD house since a HUD truck has been there. Tom said that due to the city owning the house for a while, they’d want someone in there who could pay full price and that they can’t sell it without a for-sale sign. Then what the hell was this kid talking about and how did he come to meet this supposed woman? He must live nearby or was playing when she came by, but Tom never mentioned seeing or hearing anything.

My feeling is that somehow, with or without a for-sale sign, someone’s moving in today. I better get my “quiet down” letter written. No, this time I’m going over there as soon as things get chaotic.

This really, really sucks, though, and I know she’ll have a dog cuz God wouldn’t allow otherwise. They’re gonna have their fucking living room window open so I can hear the kid screaming up a storm while in the music room and the backyard. People are gonna come over to see the house and a single person, if she really is gonna be the only adult there, is gonna have tons of company. Mothers today are so wild and I can see blasting rap music and lots of ball games since blacks love basketball. She’ll probably have brothers and nephews over playing basketball.

The good thing about a 13-month-old is that it’s not gonna be in school and taking home its buddies, but that won’t eliminate all the goddamn screaming.

Wait till she tries to sleep at night and gets barked awake by those two dogs right by her bedroom window. Not that it’ll matter with her kid and her own dog, I’d think.

I’d love to say she’ll hardly ever have company and will be working all day and have the kid in daycare and will have no dog, but dream on!! God could and would never bless me with that and with barely knowing that they exist.

Now it’s time for Robin’s true test. Remember how I said she said I had nothing to worry about? Well, we’ll see now if she’s full of shit or if it’s some other entity that’s posing as her, cuz I still can’t deny or say that Robin was just my imagination, even though I wish I could.

If just one adult is moving in there paying full price, they better have a damn good job to be able to support herself, her kid and her house. That house was going for $600 and something a month if it hasn’t gone down.

This really sucks and I’d better enjoy my last few hours of peace. With that house having been empty since last September, boy am I in for some very serious and heavy-duty compensation! Big time!

My pigeons will probably only hang out on our electrical wires and not theirs. They’re probably gonna be scared off for a while from sitting on wires above their house or even coming into our yard due to the dog that’s about to be over there.

This really sucks! This really fucking sucks shit big time!

Later…

They’re here. I heard them pull in in two big city trucks. I really think it’s a welfare mom, cuz they help them move. I am sooooooo fucking pissed!

I heard the kid and I thought I heard their dog, but not too much yet cuz it’s probably held up in one of those trucks. I wonder why two trucks, though? Isn’t one enough? Amazingly, though, they’re coming in very quietly compared to the way the M’s blew on in here. In time, things will likely change. At least I should be able to sleep and hopefully there’ll be no trailer filled with people living in their front yard by our bedroom.

I wonder where her car is. Out on the street out of view? I wonder why the dog’s not out back yet, too? If this lady doesn’t have a dog, God forbid, then she’ll be running out to get one since she probably came from an apartment.

I feel like I’m in an apartment all over again!

Later…

I heard Mommy yell out something to some black guy. She sounds mean, too.

I wonder why HUD would let her have a 3-bedroom house with only one kid. She’s probably pregnant.

A good 95% or more of this whole moving-in process, though, they’ve been unusually quiet.

If it’s OK with Tom, I may move this little table out of the music room and back in the bedroom where the vanity is and put the vanity in here.

I heard her again. She kind of sounds like Tracy K.

Anyway, I’m sure Tom wouldn’t mind me swapping the table and vanity since he can sleep through anything.

I saw a white van and I guess it’s hers. Why does God always sic vans on me, too. They’re so loud and obnoxious, but maybe she won’t sit there with the engine idling for an hour every week, either. It looks like a piece of shit like the red one the M’s had. Something I can see a welfare mom drive.

I have nothing against blacks, but I sure hope she’s not in a gang of some kind. Do I have anything against welfare moms? Yes and no. I understand that some of us can’t help being poor, but it’s those that don’t help themselves when and if they can that I dislike. I also dislike those very much who have kids when they shouldn’t.

Later…

Well, the city trucks and white van have left and right now it appears no one’s been there for about an hour and a half. That’s odd. I mean, where did they go? I hope this is a sign that they’ll hardly ever be home, but I know I’m dreaming. I can’t believe there’s no dog over there yet. They could all be over where they’re moving from and picking up another load.

I can almost guarantee what Tom will do when he gets home. If he does not do anything physical or sexual to me at all, he may do something else that wouldn’t surprise me. Something he’s done and would do at any time, but especially with me being mid-cycle. He’ll start feeling me out and rubbing himself against me as if he’s about to initiate sex. Then he’ll say, “How about some fun tomorrow? Or, “I can’t wait till tomorrow when I’m more awake so we can have fun.”

Last time I got my period was between 2-4 AM and he knows that by late this afternoon or early this evening, I’ll be just over 24 hours over mid-cycle.

Well, I’ve done enough writing for now, so I’ll either write later or tomorrow.

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 22, 1996
He fixed the capping macro so that I can now cap after question marks and exclamation marks, besides just periods. Now, all I have to cap are I’s, names and first letters of words beginning paragraphs and that’s fine with me.

As you can see, though, I began typing with all small letters after having typed with all caps in journal 107 and guess what it did? It left the first letters of words beginning sentences capped, but it made all small letters for the rest of all those first words. Oh well. It’s only part of 1 journal and my typed journals really serve me no purpose other than as backups and for searching for stuff. I can’t run a search mode through a written copy of a journal when looking for certain subjects. I will no longer type any more journals or letters in all caps.

I love it, though, and wish I had this capping thing a long time ago. I wonder if this is part of Tom’s New Year’s resolution. To do the things he promised me long ago. He promised to fix this thing so long ago that I forgot all about it and just totally gave up on it. Will he ever fulfill his promise of a kid, though? No! Of course not!

Tom is full of it, though, when he says we could find a way to afford a kid since you have several months to prepare for it. No way! I may not be a money expert, but it doesn’t take a genius to know that we could never afford a kid. Probably not for quite some time, either.

I still can’t believe that I haven’t heard those dogs. They should’ve gotten their letter from the humane society today, too. I had a bad thought, though. If they got rid of those dogs, they may move their kids and the ones they do daycare for out back. No thanks. Still, I think most kids out here live in their front yards.

As we all know, I’ve mentioned having one weird issue after another to deal with. Or some issue that bugs me for the longest time, anyway. It was wanting the woman I could never have and now it’s wanting the kid I can never have. I asked myself, if God broke down or made a mistake and let me get pregnant, what would be the new issue replacing this one, besides any others I’ve already still got to deal with? What would he then go and do to me or Tom or the kid? I can’t really think of anything he could do and maybe God can’t either, so maybe this is why this shit has been so never-ending. God probably feels he can’t end it by having Tom tell me the truth cuz there’s nothing to replace it with. God’s always gotta do something and he’s gotta have me stuck in some major issue that I just can’t seem to deal with or fix.

Got a letter from Kim today and two from Bob.

Later…

I just got done watching some TV and in a little while, I’m gonna do Tom a favor he asked of me. He wants some ideas for his Crazy 8’s computer game as far as a heading goes. I’m going to draw cards and write the letters of the game on each card. I’ll do different colors for the cards and letters. There’ll be 6 cards. One for each of the letters in the word Crazy, then the one for the 8’s.

Meanwhile, I’ll return to write more later.

Later…

In 20 minutes, I’ll go get Tom up if he isn’t up already.

I’m taking a break from ballistics right now at level 18. Hope I beat level 39.

In my caps test paper, I did go ahead with my little suggestion for his poor little problem. Sure, I know it’s useless, but if he can give bogus suggestions, it’s only fair that I can, too. A while back we were discussing how therapists condition their patients. They could condition Tom to cum like he conditioned himself to beat the alarm. He said, though, that he doesn’t want to do anything that will take the fun out of sex. Of course, the real reason is simple. He doesn’t want a kid. I said, though, that maybe he’ll have to do something that’s a bitch to get what he says he wants, and then turn it into fun. He adapts better than anyone else I ever knew in my life.

Yesterday I came across something in my library book. A guy was with a hooker and it said he held back for hours to achieve a bigger climax. I asked Tom what he thought of it. Grinning and chuckling, he said that that’s just how they talk in books.

Right!

The dogs have barked this morning, that’s for sure. They just don’t give a damn about those dogs or anyone else around them.

Later…

I absolutely don’t believe it, but then again I do, even though it doesn’t bother me. I’ve never before heard the kids two houses down where those dogs are, but I could today and it sort of reminded me of when the M’s were next door. At least it’s not ear-piercing loud. If it were or if it got more common, then I’d be pissed, but I’m sure I’ve got nothing to worry about. How can they be outside, though, with the dogs? Well, these yards are of a good size so they’re probably tied up in a corner of the yard away from the kids. No, they’re not outside. Otherwise, it’d be louder. They’ve got their windows open. It’s a bit damp out, but still a good day to have windows open. Especially if you’ve got a lot of little kids around you.

What I was pissed about earlier is over the same old shit. This guy has made no effort to try to have a kid or to try to up the amount of sex we have.

Afterward, we took a shower together and when I asked him why he loved me he said, “Love can’t be explained. Love just is.” So, that’s what inspired me to write the song I just wrote.

He also told me how to recap my all-capped parts of this journal that had some small letters. Oh, how I wish I had this thing a long time ago. I love it! He says he can find a way to cap I’s and the beginnings of paragraphs too.

After Tom left, I was still upset and I finally broke down and just had to talk to someone else about this sexual shit with Tom. I called Tammy and I said, “This is so embarrassing and I’m afraid you might laugh,” but I told her anyway. She shocked the shit out of me. I thought she was gonna confirm my fears and say that the guy really doesn’t want a kid, but she said there’s nothing to laugh at, I’m not alone and she’s had the same problem. She firmly believes that Tom’s telling the truth and that in time, it will work out. She also said that yes, it could be physical, even though Tom and I know that’s not it cuz he’s cum before. She said a man can still be able to get hard, but still be impotent and not able to get off.

Really? I didn’t know that.

She’s had problems where she couldn’t cum, so since she gave me her advice and opinion of my case, I gave her advice. I suggested she do what we do and have Bill lie on his side and have her on her back facing him with her legs over his side so that she can stimulate herself. If Tom just screwed me without my stimulating myself, there’d be no way I could get off. Probably not even if I was horny as all hell.

I got up to level 40 of Balistic, so I hope I get higher the next time. In a way, I’m glad I haven’t hit level 50 yet as it gives me something to look forward to little by little. I’ll still always enjoy and love the game though. It’s definitely my favorite computer game. There are other games I haven’t played in a while or even checked out yet, so I think I’ll do that sometime soon.

Later…

My pigeons are out there cooing away. It’s a bit breezy out, but not too bad. It’s not as warm as it was there for a while.

No mail for me today. I’m sure I’ll get those books I ordered, but will I get that CD? I doubt it.

What did Evie mean when she said she liked writing letters and was gonna surprise me with a letter? Will she ever surprise me with a letter someday? I hope so. That’d be nice.

No, I won’t dare tell Tom about my conversation with Tammy. I’m sure he’d rather me talk to her than to some stranger of a nurse, but he’d still be pretty upset over it.

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 20, 1996
Soon I want to see if I can beat my 39-level record by playing that ballistics game.

At the moment I don’t really have anything important to do, so I left Andy a message to call me if he wants to chat. Maybe he can come over one of these nights after work to get his birthday toaster present.

I don’t know if I mentioned yet that Tom printed out two pictures of Gloria that he found on AOL as a little Valentine’s present for me.

Tom returns to work today at 4:30. Now watch. I know him. He won’t touch me throughout the whole week after having a vacation and especially not on the 23rd when I’m mid-cycle. I told you he’d never change and has one excuse after another. All he did was look me straight in the eye and say “yes” when I asked for a kid. One big fat complete lie. He lies about it as if he were lying about a pencil he stole. Like it’s no big deal. Just another casual white lie.

I last left off about the junior high schools I attended, so I’ll take it from there. I only attended Longmeadow high school throughout parts of my freshman year.

You see, my mother began her threats of sending me to funny farms a couple of years before she finally did it. She claims that she and Dad were frightened, helpless and powerless to change the situation. I can see how they feel that way, but I’ve always found it to be a petty excuse. I know I was responsible for my own actions, but at the same time, if they hadn’t always been so negative and so preoccupied with their TV or other stuff, maybe I wouldn’t have cut my arm and tried to kill myself or been such a rebellious troublemaker.

During the beginning of my freshman year, I was tutored by a woman at the Willie Ross School for the Deaf. She was a cool lady.

Then, I went to the high school where I did the rest of my freshman year.

On July 27th of 1981 when I was 15, they sent me to the Brattleboro Retreat in Vermont. They admit now that this was a bad move, but they haven’t ever admitted other bad moves such as Valleyhead and a certain foster home I was in and the state funny farm in Northampton. I was in Vermont till December 17th or 19th, so about 5 months. It was pure hell, but little did I know that Valleyhead and Northampton would be much worse. This was just the beginning of my 3-year voyage between 5 miserable places. At least in Vermont, you had your own room and there were more privileges and the restrictions weren’t as harsh. The food was better there, too, and you could have money enough to support your cigarette habit if you had one. For the most part, though, this place, as well as Valleyhead, treated the kids there as if they were criminals. Like with Valleyhead, there weren’t enough supportive people who wanted to truly help you and boost your self-esteem, etc.

The nicer staff weren’t the ones with the power. Those with the power often brushed us off as if we deserved whatever we got in life and made us feel worse in general and worse about ourselves. There were several staff members on power-play, and it didn’t take much, if they didn’t like you, for them to make your life miserable and to put you on restriction for the dumbest things.

After Vermont, I returned home and right away, my parents just had to get rid of me again and suggested a private school in Northampton. I refused. I begged to stay home. I felt like any other kid would feel - rejected, unwanted and uncared for. My parents, especially my mother, couldn’t be bothered with my hyper personality, my energy, my talkativeness, my need for conversation and communication, or my dreams. Most everything I did was silly or not good enough. Most everything was my fault.

I was only home a few months after Vermont and soon attended an alternative high school in Springfield. This school was pretty cool. They weren’t so hard on you and there were only a few teachers and students.

In April of 1982, I became a ward of the state. I was taken first to a crisis center where I stayed for 3-4 days. Then I was placed in a place called LaRagione’s for about two months. This was a rooming house for adults with emotional problems and there were about 7 3-story houses where everyone lived. They came to the main house for meals which was also where I lived. This was in Springfield.

My foster parents were Anna and Harry B and they were pretty cool. They had a house in West Springfield and they wanted to remain my foster parents till I was 18, but the state got in the way of that.

The same woman, who tutored me at the Willie Ross, tutored me while I was there.

Around June of that year, I was in the state hospital for a week or two. It’s a wonder I came out of that place alive. I know that they’ve changed a lot of laws since then, thank God. There were 4 people in a cubicle and there was absolutely no privacy at all. Not while you shit, not while you showered, not while you slept, etc.

From there I went to a foster home that was a nightmare. It was in Springfield too, two blocks from Anna and Harry’s. I lived on the first floor with a woman named Dorothy H and her vicious friend Valerie. I was alone there, till another 16-year-old girl named Shelly came there. She was a toughie and she protected me from Valerie and Dotty’s cruel ways and their teasing me. Shelly could take Dotty, but not Valerie. At first Shelly was intimidating to me, but we became friendly. Every morning she’d hide me out upstairs, out of the way of Dotty and Valerie’s wrath.

This is where I was in the worst of my anorexia. I couldn’t eat if I wanted to cuz of all I’d gone through, but I also wasn’t fed too much as it was. I was lucky if I could find a loaf of bread in the kitchen of that house. I was 85 pounds and my periods stopped till I was almost 19. Due to this, plus serious tranquilizers I was on, I ended up at 148 pounds when I was 18 and it took me till I was 19 to start my descent to 100 pounds which took a year.

Later…

I just talked to Andy and Quinn and then I went to finish some soup I made yesterday. Quinn said that my telling him I weighed 96 pounds made him hungry.

I felt kind of warm and when I took my temperature it said I was 99. I had somewhat of a feeling that I may be ovulating and, of course, there’s not a damn thing I can do about it. Meaning, I can’t go to my husband and tell him of this possibility and have him eagerly fuck me and cum.

He told me earlier that he doesn’t know that he’s positive his “problem” is subconscious but says it may be. He says he doesn’t know what the problem is or else he’d fix it. He also said, though, that the day will never come when he tells me he never really did want a kid. If he doesn’t know whether his problem is subconscious or not and if he doesn’t know what the problem is, then how can he be so sure that what I’m telling him his problem is, is the case? I’m sure he knows damn well what his 3 fears are. He doesn’t want a kid. He doesn’t think I’ll be a good mother and he loves to tease me about issues of sex and a kid.

He doesn’t want me to talk about it, yet he says he and I can bring up suggestions that may help him. Why should I bother? I know better. The only thing of it right now that really pisses me off is how he lied and said he’s gonna win the bet during a moment where I was upset just to cheer me up, even though he denies this. How can he lie to me about a kid as if it was a little white lie that could never hurt me? How can he go about it in such a swift, casual, and easy way?

I just wish to hell I knew when this was gonna end and how. Is it gonna be by him playing this game forever and forever refusing to cum as has been the case? Or is it gonna be by him telling me what’s really on his mind? I don’t see how there could be any other way for this to play out. It’s either lie forever or tell the truth.

I’m terrified every month at the thought of PMS when my feelings are intensified. I can talk to him about anything but this. If I do, he either gets upset or lies and says we’ll have a kid to cheer me up at the moment.

Earlier he also said, “I don’t want you to work just for the sake of working. I want you to work if you want to. I want you to be happy and do what you want to do.”

Well, I can’t do what I want to cuz he won’t allow it. Therefore, I’ll take second best, cuz if I don’t, I’ll just be sitting around forever, and we could use the extra money, and second best is better than third best or lower.

He also told me of an idea he had earlier tonight. He wants to teach me graphics 3 times a week and he wants me to teach him signing 3 times a week. I’ve always wanted him to learn sign language and I think he’s serious this time. Especially since it’s stuff he wants and it sure beats having a kid, as far as he’s concerned. Hell, I think he’d rather me get in trouble all over again than be pregnant.

Amazingly enough, I haven’t heard the dogs bark last night or tonight, but they sure barked up a storm yesterday morning. I’m doing one more thing, that I know is worthless, but that’s OK. I sent a letter to them from the Arizona Humane Society’s complaint dept.

I also sent Anna & Harry a letter just to let them know how my life is and that I’m sorry for the calls I made to them in the late 80s. I told them I still love them and think of them and am grateful for how well they treated me when I was 16 and living with them.

Later…

I absolutely cannot believe that I haven’t heard those dogs bark at all since I’ve been up, but that’s fine with me.

I’m getting bored more and more and I need a new project on top of my hobbies. I need to be working. If only we had a color scanner for my drawings and a laser jet printer for typing.

Andy’s gonna be moving into the house alone for the first 3-6 months. Then Michelle will move in when she gets more money.

I don’t know why Tom wants me to do this. He said he wants it just because and that he’s got no reason in particular. He asked if one of these days I’d write about one day in our lives, then about one week in our lives, minus any feelings or attitude. How totally boring.

Now my temperature’s 98.1. So, who knows if I really was ovulating or if I ever do?

Guess I’m gonna go and wind down now.

Later…

There’s some kind of city work truck next door. The same kind that’s been there before. I guess anytime now they’ll put a for-sale sign back out for all the large families with dogs to see.

Once again, I’m gonna go wind down with some coffee. I’ll also go set the VCR for Law & Order tonight to get that out of the way.

I just hope that whatever they’re doing next door doesn’t get noisy so I can sleep. I’m pretty sure it’ll be quiet, though, cuz they have been in the past.

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 19, 1996
Another time period of Tom saying or heavily suggesting he’s gonna cum will be over in a day. I knew better, though. I haven’t been upset lately or feeling like a freak during sex, but I’m not PMSing either. Then, everything bothers me. I wish I could always be within a week after my period, cuz then knowing my husband won’t allow me a child is much easier to deal with. Next, he’ll say once again that he’s gonna win the bet and will cum by April 1st, then it’ll be by June, and on and on and on.

So far, my breaking my promises to him and giving him his own medicine of false hopes and not always the nicest things, is working well. I’m down to 96 lbs. Now I just have to get a job. He said we’d discuss that after his vacation, but there’s nothing to discuss. I already told him he could control me from having a child, but he sure as hell can’t control me from other things. I’m gonna show him what it’s really like to have things go the way you wish they wouldn’t and to expect things he won’t be getting.

Remember when I said he said something about just going with the flow if he tries new stuff in bed? What a laugh I had to myself a couple of days ago. While we were screwing with him on his side and me on my back, he put his hand on the top of his dick. I thought something was wrong and he said he was OK. Then, afterward, he reminded me of the new stuff and that he didn’t want me to be curious or ask questions about it, but to just go with the flow. What the hell kind of a new thing do you call that? What kind of a joke and game is he playing with me now? And why do I have to just go with the flow? Why do his reasons behind these strange “new tricks” have to be such a secret? Is he trying to convince me that he isn’t afraid to have a child and that he doesn’t fear I’ll be a bad mother and that he isn’t playing head games with me about it? Well, he hasn’t succeeded and no “trick” will succeed without the white stuff. I mean really, how ridiculous can he be?

Anyway, the only people that are gonna know about my letter to Robert Stack at Unsolved Mysteries will be Tom, Andy, Kim, Bob and Alex. Andy said I forgot to thank Robert Stack for narrating my life. Ha, ha!

My favorite computer game I’ve mentioned before is Balistic. In the past, I’d never beaten level 13, but tonight I got up to 39 levels. There are 50 in all.

Later…

I’m kind of bored right now, but that’s life.

I forgot to mention earlier that Tom doubts Unsolved Mysteries will air my case just like I doubt it. He said you never know, but it isn’t really entertaining enough. True. Especially when you compare it to someone being pulled from a burning car.

He also told me that yes, he does believe I’m psychic which surprised me a bit. I had thought he was rather skeptical.

Well, I’m gonna stay up long enough to take care of the load of laundry I’m doing, then I’ll be hitting the sack.

Thankfully enough, there were no basketball players throughout the weekend, but the dogs bark no less than usual. Mostly at night, though. Primetime for them to go off seems to be at 11:30 PM and 2:30 AM.

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 17, 1996
I have the movie recording right now, so now I’ll write. Last night I finally decided to send a letter about my search for Robin to Unsolved Mysteries. Tom gladly helped me and gave me feedback as far as the letter goes that I wrote. I’ll enclose a copy of it here, but first, let me tell you what finally prompted me to do this. There was a case of a middle-aged lady who was in a car accident. Two men pulled her out of her burning car, but they took off before she could get their names and thank them. After 15 years, she finally asked Unsolved Mysteries for their help. If they can find two people from many years ago with no names to go on, I think they can find one person. At least I hope they can and that they will, but I doubt if they’ll bother with my case. I just don’t see any reason why they’d bother and it doesn’t seem meant to be and although they do a variety of different subjects and related subjects to mine, I think the little girl who gets stolen from her backyard is more important for them to air. If they aired it, though, it’d be just my luck that she wouldn’t be watching if she’s alive and also just my luck if someone that knew anything wouldn’t bother to call in any info if they were watching.

I called 800 info for their number and when I called Robert Stack came on with an initial greeting. Then some other guy came on giving the two choices. You hit #1 for new story ideas and #2 for info relating to a case. They said all story ideas must be typed and they must include your full name, number and address. They said it’d take about 12 weeks for them to get to it. I guess, from the way it sounded, they’ll send a letter, either way, saying they’re interested or to fuck off. So, mid-May should be when I’ll get my fuck off notice. It’s still a pretty fun joke of a game to play and it’s something someone can’t say I didn’t try. Not even I can say I didn’t try to put any effort into it after all Tom and I tried to no avail on our own.

Here’s a copy of that letter.

Dear Unsolved Mysteries,

First I would like to say that I have enjoyed your show for many years. The variety of the stories you cover is great.

My name is Jodi Lin. I’m writing to you with the hopes that you can help me find someone who made a difference, for the better, in my life. Unfortunately, I do not know this person’s name. She was a camp counselor at a camp I attended when I was 9 years old in 1974. The camp’s name was Camp Naomi in Raymond, Maine, but has been known as Camp Nashoba North since 1988.

I came from a troubled home and was a very troubled child. This is why I only attended this camp for about 2 weeks that summer, then I had to leave. While I was there, however, I met a camp counselor whose first name may have been Robin. She was very kind to me and very understanding of my situation. She really made me feel wanted and cared for and she really listened to things I had to say. I’ve tried for a long time to find this woman, but I haven’t been able to. The reason why I’d like to find her is that I just want to say “thank you.” I’m 30 years old now, but I never forgot her friendliness and kindness.

All I know about this woman is that she may have been a supervisor or a specialist of some kind. She had her own cabin and I stayed there with her and her medium-sized brown dog on my last night there. She was about 5’ 5” with shoulder-length brown hair, brown eyes and slender. At the time, she probably was between 17-21 years old.

When my father came to pick me up from this camp to bring me home to Massachusetts where I grew up, we were crying as we said goodbye to each other, and she gave me a Polaroid picture of her dog.

This is all I really remember about her, but if there’s anything at all you could do to help me find her and put us in contact, this would be appreciated from the bottom of my heart.

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 16, 1996
I’ve got 20 minutes to write and no, I haven’t forgotten about going through my life in more detail. I’ll get on with it soon enough.

I just thought I’d go through what we did yesterday. I got up around 11 AM, and then we left at 1:45 to go to play miniature golf. For the first time in my life, I was ahead of him, and then he kicked my ass in the end and won. It was fun, though.

Then we went to eat at Dairy Queen and then headed for Walmart. There, we got Andy’s toaster for his birthday present which I wrapped in paper with all kinds of funny lines and sayings on it. I also got birdseed and a birthday card for Andy.

Andy and Michelle are going to be moving into that house on March 1st.

Then we went to Staples where Tom got his mom a new mouse and paint to cover up the stuff he put on the roof to prevent leaks (we hope!). I got envelopes and 6 new pens. So far 3 of them seem to skip. There’s pink, purple, green, blue, red and black. Instead of highlighting each date, I’ll just do a different color every new day for a while.

Tom took his parents to the racetrack today, but I haven’t done too much today yet.

It’s been beautiful out, in the 80s and it made me feel really good to hear Tammy, Larry, Sandy and Jenny tell me how cold it was there with 5’ of snow and it was still coming down.

I’m pissed off cuz about a week ago, someone changed the security light next door, so now that thing blares on for ½ hour at a time while I’m trying to listen to music in the peaceful darkness.

No basketball players in the last couple of days, but I expect I’ll have to chase a few away here and there and hope that they, as well as their friends, get the message - fuck off!

Leave it to me for it to be just my luck to be next to the only house on the street with a goddamn basketball hoop.

I heard on the news that any high school kid who doesn’t pay child support can’t have extra activities in school. God, it’s getting so common! I think I’ve heard that 8 or 9 out of 10 women have their kids between the ages of 15 - 22. Shit!

Well, it’s TV time, but afterward, I’ve really got some far-out news to tell.

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 14, 1996
Well, Andy’s birthday card is gonna be late getting to him. I totally forgot all about it cuz I’ve been busier. I left him a message asking him if I’m still sending it to the same place. He mentioned having filled out an application for a complex, only to end up getting fucked over by them. He said they couldn’t get the people out of what was to be their new apartment, then offered him another one, but they hated it. He mentioned already filling out a change of address card at the time, too.

Today he left a message saying they’ll be renting a house for $350 a month which is excellent. You could never find a deal like that back East. He says it’s a 700-square-foot, 1-bedroom. It’s a duplex, which I didn’t know they had here, with carports in the middle of them and there’s a single woman living next to them. I’m happy for them and I hope this works out.

Tomorrow we’ll be buying his birthday present. A toaster. We’ll also be stopping by other stores, going food shopping, and playing miniature golf.

I noticed on my list of notes that I mentioned getting two letters from Kim yesterday, but I don’t think there’s anything too important about those letters to mention.

Yesterday and today there were some hang-up calls, so who knows if it was Jenny or maybe even Nervous. I’m right by the phone now, so let me see if Nervous’s phone is hooked up again.

Nope. It now says it’s not in service. I don’t think Nervous would even bother at this time and I’m pretty sure Fran lost our number and doesn’t remember my married name, either.

Yesterday I organized my drawings, getting them prepared to try to sell. I’ve got 3 groups. Group 1 is people, group 2 is animals, and group 3 is flowers. I wrote a list of their file names in journal 54.

I may have accidentally said our bet was up on March 1st, but it’s really up on April 1st, even though I’m 200% sure I’ll win. Actually, I’m 1000% sure.

Yesterday Tom asked me to make some beads to hang on the light fixture of the second ceiling fan in the back room that we never use cuz of how the roof above it leaks. I did and asked if I could have a kid for it. He said yes.

Yeah, right!

Today was a good day, but before I get into it, let me tell you what happened yesterday morning at 10:00. Some high school kid started playing basketball next door and of course Tom was here. Finally, after an hour of it, I said fuck it cuz I live here too and politely told the kid my grandmother was sick and asked him to leave. He was cool about it and left. Tom didn’t seem the least bit upset by this and I couldn’t have really cared if he had been.

Then, today at 6:00 a younger kid was playing, and I asked the same thing and he was very nice about it too and took off.

How the fuck do they know it’s vacant next door? There’s no for-sale sign. Is this gonna be God’s latest thing? He just has to do something, huh? Well, it’s better than that house being sold, cuz then it’ll be an everyday thing, not to mention their barking dogs.

Anyway, we went to the IMAX Theater in Scottsdale (Snottsdale) and we saw a half-hour documentary on storm chasers. It was pretty cool, but they’re full of it when they say the screen’s over 6 stories tall. If that were so, each floor would have to be my height and maybe even a bit shorter. It’s not 120 feet wide, either, but about 75. It’s about 75 feet tall, too. Still, it was neat to see.

Then we went to the mall for a bite to eat, came home, and then went back out to the library where I got two books to read.

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 13, 1996
Another day of the same old boring shit sexually. Earlier he told me there was plenty of time for him to win the bet. Now, what did that statement mean? I know better and that he has no intentions of winning and if he did, he’d cum by my hand only once to get me off the cigarettes for a day and so he could trash the back room.

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 12, 1996
I feel so bad for those dogs two yards down. They whine every time it rains out and the owners really just don’t give a shit at all. Maybe I’ll call the Humane Society on behalf of them as I originally considered. How do they stand it? I mean, I know they’ve got kids and therefore it just blends in all together, but how do they sleep?

I hope Tom gets home soon from his errands cuz I only have half a cigarette left.

I did another load of laundry and had the clothes out for a few hours and right after I took them down it began to drizzle, so that was perfect timing.

I just did Larry and others an envelope I think they’re really gonna like. I did 3 plants sitting in pots on the front. On the back, I drew a silver rod and drew 5 hanging plants.

Speaking of envelopes, Tom said Nickolena sent Mom a Valentine and decorated the envelope. Tom says he’s sure the idea came from me, or else they’d have just done something on a separate piece of paper. Yesterday I did a Valentine’s banner for Tom with words and drawings on old adding machine paper.

A miracle happened yesterday. Tom finished the back room and I can now vacuum 99% of it. I just hope it’ll stay this way, but after 2½ years, I’m grateful.

I wonder how many more years it’ll take him to cum, although I know better than that. He’s still teasing as far as sex goes. He said he was gonna wake me up since I took care of myself yesterday cuz I couldn’t get him to. This is one area where I’m glad he’s full of it cuz I don’t like being woken up. It’s the lying I’m sick of. He said he wants to win the bet so he went all out to clean the back room so he doesn’t have to have that on his mind. Now, if you’ve got to have a room cleaned in order to cum, you’ve got a problem. Well, he may not have the room on his mind, but he’ll have the fear of a kid on his mind.

I haven’t heard any kids, so that’s good, cuz if you’re like most people, you don’t want to deal with it unless you know you’ve got to deal with your own kids.

Got a package from my parents. They sent a new cow wind socket. Cool. This one’s a bit longer and a bit different looking. They also sent a small wind socket and a bracket to put up a mini flag. They sent the following for mini flags. A Halloween flag, hearts, a pineapple and one with a slice of watermelon and a drink next to it. The last one is the one we put up. For big flags, they sent a pineapple, a cactus and coyote, and a fish. I put the cactus one up over the microwave and the fish are up in the back room.

They also sent a shade screen for the car.

I don’t know why they bother with sending so many pineapple ones. I hate those. They’re so boring. It’s amazing how little these people know their own daughter. Back on Oswego Street, they sent me these disgusting lemon, lime, and orange sugar-coated candies. Don’t they know I hate citrus flavors?

Any flags I don’t put up, I keep in the hall closet, cuz you never know what we or someone we know may do with them in the future.

When Tom was last over at his parent’s house, they sent back some cake for me, a swing, and a monkey bar. They’ve been put up out back, too, so the backyard is pretty much decorated really well and has all kinds of stuff out there.

Tom says he wants me to trim his hair again soon. Oh, God! Does he really think I can learn to do it right? Well, he says so. I trimmed my pussy hair and did it in a much better way. I shaved it, but as I got closer to my clit, I trimmed it. That way there’s less stubble and won’t scrape up more hair molecules.

This Wednesday we’re going to the IMAX Theater. A coworker of his won tickets and he gave them to Tom. The screen there is supposed to be 60 feet tall and 120 feet wide. That ought to be interesting.

Kim called last night. Now that she’s got over female problems (hopefully), she now has intestinal problems. Hopefully, she’ll be OK.

I left Tammy a message and hope to hear from her soon.

Other than that, there’s not much else going on. Tom wants me to draw the cactus/coyote flag. I’ll do it on another CD label of his and I’ll also be doing it on my parent’s envelope for their next letter.

Later…

Well, Tom just told me that at 8:00 when his show’s over, he wants me to “spoil” him. Yeah, I’ll spoil him with a wicked hard-on. It’ll be good timing, too, seeing that he’ll be up for over 12 hours. I wonder if he’ll try these new things he mentioned or if he’s just talking.

Later…

The good news is that I did a really good drawing.

The bad news is the same old shit and I’m finding myself thinking of leaving here and there. It’s just that I love this guy so much otherwise that I can’t imagine leaving. I’m just so sick of his lies pertaining to sex. It’s all bullshit. The waking me up, the new stuff, the bet, the kid, etc. He said he knew I didn’t believe him, but to just wait a week to see who’s right cuz he doesn’t want to blow his chances during the relaxing vacation he wants. He doesn’t want me to be quiet about it to up his chances of cumming. He wants me to be quiet cuz he just doesn’t want to hear it or deal with it. I can’t make him deal with it, either, cuz all he does is get upset and blame me and turn an attack on me. There’s no way I can demand we get help now cuz there’s no way he’ll budge, and he’ll just cry no opportunity.

Well, like that woman said, there’ll be no kid as long as I’m willing to set aside my wants in order to make him happy. The only way I can make him happy is for him to never cum, for us to never have a kid and for me to allow him to tease me with these issues.

I miss mutual sex and if it was up to me, I’d only have him go down on me since screwing is only for me. Screwing is something I enjoy, but it also makes me feel like a freak and I’ll sure as hell never get pregnant by it.

I could demand only oral sex, but then he’ll insist he doesn’t like the idea cuz then he can’t play with my head. I swear that sometimes I feel all he wants me here for is to clean the house, draw him pictures and be something to tease and bullshit! I’m so sick of people controlling me all my fucking life. I can’t stay at home, I can’t wear the clothes I want, I can’t be a singer and I’m certainly not allowed to have a child. Am I ever gonna be able to do something that I really want without someone or God trying to stop me? My own fucking husband insisted he’d cum long ago. That was a lie. He promised us a child. That was a lie. He’ll never allow me to have a child, no matter what. What did I do to him to piss him off this much to sacrifice an orgasm so as to never allow me a child? What did I do?!?!

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 11, 1996
My non-horny husband just laughed when I said I was horny and is glued to that damn TV. He’s waiting till the end of his day, as usual, so holding back is no problem.

Yesterday we screwed at the end of our day and after I came, he continued on for a short time. He said it felt really, really good going slow. Then why did he stop? Did it feel so good that he feared he would cum? Obviously. Then yesterday he goes and says he wants to win the bet. Then an hour later he said he didn’t know cuz he’d be afraid I’d whine and say how he was holding back and how he came at a safe time. He also said he was gonna try new stuff with me over the next few days, but I thought he didn’t like to plan.

I never heard of anyone who likes to tease someone sexually so much. I know guys teasing women about having kids is common. I’m sure of that as much as I’m sure of the statement that nurse made on how I’ll never have a child if I remain with him. That’s OK, though, at this point, believe me.

I’m just so sick of the TV, the computer and other stuff having to come before me unless I’m sick or in some kind of crisis.

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 10, 1996
It’s too soon to really tell yet, but I’m pretty sure that as I figured, they’ve done nothing at all about their dogs two houses down.

I’m not in a good mood now, but it’s mainly cuz I’m tired. For the second night in a row, Tom woke me up. First it was his snoring and last night it was cuz he was talking in his sleep.

Now here’s my latest new experience and here’s what I’ve decided to do about it. When I got woke up at 2 AM, I noticed a small spot when I went to check for my period. Then I got curious and decided to see what would happen if I prayed to God. I said the same thing I’ve been saying. That I knew motherhood wasn’t right for me, that I wouldn’t run away from that fact or try to fight it, and begged for my period. Then I was suddenly engulfed in a feeling of such a warm love and I could feel that God was so very proud of me and there it was!

No, they don’t give a shit about the letter I sent. I can hear them barking like hell right now.

Anyway, this experience has reinforced the fact that I must follow my head and not my heart and do the right thing, no matter how many days I spend wishing I could have a kid. Now I’m determined like never before, even though I know I’ve got nothing to worry about and that God and Tom would never ever allow me to have a child.

I’m starting to wish more that we could just go back to having our own rooms. If you’re not attracted to someone enough to cum and if you’re that afraid of having a kid, you won’t cum whether or not you’re together, a room away from the person you’re with, or a whole house away. He’s just so full of shit when he said that having us sleep in the same room would make him cum and that wearing regular clothes would make being nude more special. It’s all bullshit and I’m sick of his lies and his head games. How dare he tell me he’s gonna win our bet just to cheer me up. He just doesn’t understand me and thinks this is such a joke and that he can hurt me like this. At least if we go back to our own rooms I can always sleep.

Well, guess what? Now it’s time for me to let him down with lies. The difference is that I know when he’s lying, but since I’m now just beginning to join in on his games and lies, he’s gonna be getting psyched up for nothing just like he had me do in the beginning.

He’s not attracted to me (he says he is and tries to pretend he is) and he has this thing where he thinks I’m too thin. Well, he better get his eyes checked cuz I have plenty of a belly and my thighs are quite meaty. I’d have to lose a good 15 pounds or so before I started really looking too thin. Anyway, I said I’d get up to 105 pounds which he likes me the best at, but I’m really gonna lose about 10 pounds. Lately, I’m between 98-100 pounds, but I’m gonna get between 90-95 and give him a taste of his own medicine. I know, though, that even though he likes how I looked better at 105 that he’s full of shit and would never cum no matter what I weighed.

No problem, though. Cuz I’m gonna make sure that from now on that I help God and Tom make sure Tom never ever cums. A kid isn’t for me, whether or not I want one. There’s no way I could handle it. I know God and Tom don’t need my help, but like I said, I’m not fighting or running away from what’s right and what’s got to be anymore. It’s my turn to join in on the games, the lies and the making sure he always holds back. I’m also gonna make it a point to walk around here stark naked more and more.

Lastly, in April of ‘97, there’ll be no appointment cuz I refuse to go to a joke of an appointment. He also doesn’t realize that he’s dropping more and more subtle hints as to the truth. We were talking about pregnancy and periods earlier and he was telling me that you feel different in the beginning. I then said I was curious to look it up and see what’s so different that you’re supposed to feel. He said maybe I shouldn’t do that cuz then I imagine things. Well, I wouldn’t for starters and also, if he’s gonna “make things happen” and if he wants a kid, then why would I have to imagine and why does he have to worry about my imagining things? Well, unfortunately, the lying asshole is on vacation after today and I wish I could say we’ll have a fun relaxing time but I know better. I’ve got to make sure that I stick to the things I said I’m gonna do. No more being the nice and honest one here. I’m gonna be just like him. I’ve also got to make sure I talk about it as little as I can cuz he just can’t handle it cuz baby talk just really turns him off.

Later…

The last few subjects I could think of that I have written down in my notes are friends, enemies and those I couldn’t be with that I wanted to be with. They’re all rather connected, so I guess I’ll begin going through my life little by little from as young as I can remember and from whatever events I can remember. There’s a lot that I can remember, but there’s also a lot that I can’t remember. No one can remember everything, though.

Well, let’s just start with the fact that I wasn’t supposed to be born in the first place. That’s why my mother took DES, since back then they didn’t know the problems it causes. A part of me believes that because I wasn’t supposed to be born and my mother fighting to have me is the reason why I’ve gone through so much misery. Another part of me believes that being blessed in so many ways is also why I’ve been cursed in so many ways.

The dogs still bark on and off as usual. Not only do they probably not care if they get shot, but they’re probably figuring, well, we can’t or won’t debark them and we sure as hell would never allow them in the house, so fuck it.

My puzzle book finally came. I was wondering if they either forgot me or were trying to rip me off.

Anyway, I lived at home until I was 15. It was a nightmare. The only things I didn’t go through were sexual abuse, drugs, alcohol or poverty. I went through 80% emotional abuse and 20% physical abuse.

My parents’ full names are Dureen June O and Arthur Irving O. My siblings are Larry Ross O and Tammy Sue G. My maternal grandparents are Shirley & Jack G and my paternal grandparents are Bella & Joseph O. After Joe died, Bella remarried a guy named Herman G. My ex-aunt is June W. Mary & Ronnie G, as well as Ruth & Marty O, are my two sets of aunts and uncles. Ronnie’s my ma’s brother and Marty’s my dad’s brother. Both are aggressive assholes, according to most people’s standards which includes my own. Ronnie’s kids are Lori & Lisa and Marty’s are Polly & Philip.

My mother was very negative and didn’t want any of us kids to be “better” than her. That’d take the attention away from her and make her jealous. She’d cut me down about anything and everything. Her parents lived next door to us in the first house we were in and my mother was just like her mother. Typical case of like mother like daughter, and this is why I know I shouldn’t have a kid. My parents weren’t stupid, though, and they also did do me some good. They’ve taught me valuable things whether they were big or small. They kept me well-fed and clothed. Going to them with a problem, was almost always a whole different story. She seemed to get off by my being upset and by her cutting me down. When I was sick, though, she took really good care of me.

My brother didn’t live at home too long during my childhood since we were 12 years apart, but I liked it when he was there cuz we got along the best.

My sister was a nightmare. She was and still is in most ways, a carbon copy of our mother. Bitchy, too serious and negative. She used to cut me down to nothing too, and boss me around like there was no tomorrow since she was 8 years older.

Later…

Why is God so mean to me and why does He hate me so? It’s a hell of a coincidence that the more I try to ignore the subject and turn away from it I see and hear more about it on TV, the radio, or wherever. He made up his mind to make sure that I don’t have a kid, and I’m trying to do the right thing and get over not having a kid, yet he rubs them in my face. Today would be the perfect day for them to be out playing near the house after school. Something tells me that they’ve just got to be sent here today.

I had to wait a long time to accept that I’m not having a kid, but how long will I have to wait for my replacement? I just hope I even have a destiny. There’s got to be something else out there for me. I just hope that just cuz he won’t let me sing or be a mother doesn’t mean that he won’t let me do something else. I just wish I knew what else I could do and when?

If I had a choice to either have a kid or be repulsed by the idea all the time, I’d want to be repulsed by the idea all the time, but since I am only sometimes, I better quit dreaming and just hope and pray that there’s something else that I’m meant for and that it gets here fast enough.

I was thinking earlier of how I need a new bathing suit and right away I said to myself that I’d get a blue 1 piece. Am I ever gonna quit thinking of him and do for me? Nothing I say, do, or wear will change things.

Anyway, back to my life back in the first house where we lived till I was 12.

I didn’t do too well in school, other than science, gym, music, art, typing and lunch. I was a troublemaker till 6th grade. I’d just walk up to a kid for no reason at all and kick or punch them. I was holding in all that anger that I had for my mother, but I certainly couldn’t take my anger out on her.

I did grades 1-5 in an elementary school named Blueberry Hill. I stood back once in second grade.

For some reason when I was in first grade, there were these two girls I just had to be friends with. Christine T and Cindy F. Chris and I ended up being friends, but Cindy never liked me.

There were two teachers I had crushes on, too. I can see why I had a crush on third-grade teacher Linda M as most people liked her, but why I had a crush on fifth-grade teacher Joan B beats me. What did I see in her? Everyone hated her, too. She was easily the worst-liked teacher there.

During third and fourth grade I was in the resource room, OKA: the retard room, the dummy room, or the troublemaker room. You were put there if you were either slow or a troublemaker. I was in there cuz I was a troublemaker, even though I was pretty stupid till I was in my early 20s. I was about 7 years behind my age in looks and brains. I was always jealous of someone else due to them either being smarter, having longer hair, being skinnier or cuz they had nicer parents.

Stephanie Watnick is another girl that stands out in my memory. She was in the fifth grade with me. She was friends with me, but she was also one of those I beat up on whenever angry.

Other than these 5 people, the only other one worth mentioning was Rose M. She was my fifth-grade teacher and she was friendly with my parents. She even spent a day or two with us during the summer at the beach.

I did 6th grade and 3 days of 7th grade at Glenbrook middle school, then transferred when we moved to the other side of Longmeadow. There are about 4 elementary schools in Longmeadow, 2 middle schools, and 1 high school.

Glenbrook sucked. You had no lockers. Just cubby holes so anyone could rip your lunch money off. There’s nothing about that school or the teachers there that stands out in my mind at all.

William’s middle school was way better. You had lockers there and I liked the teachers and some of the students there better.

Later…

I’m surprised they haven’t begun to play basketball next door. God’s probably holding them off till Tom gets home. That way I can’t go out there and say, “I appreciate your right to play, but could you please take it somewhere else? My grandmother’s real sick and she needs to sleep.”

Back to who stands out in my mind at William’s. There are two teachers. Mrs. Bogert was pretty cool. I didn’t have a crush on her, but I liked her personality. Mrs. Tricinella was one I had a crush on and again, I don’t know why. I don’t know what I saw in her and no one liked her either.

For students, there was Brenda P. She was a friend of mine, but she ended up not liking me. There was Laura C who never liked me. She had long pretty hair, but she wasn’t there for 8th grade, the last grade of middle school. I think she moved out of state.

Then there was Jessie S, Big Bird’s adopted daughter. We had met before when I was about 10 and she was about 8 at the Jewish Community Center. She was another longtime good friend of mine besides Jenny and Andy. I hope she’s doing well today. At least our friendship didn’t end on a bad note. We simply lost touch with each other. I suppose I could track her down through her mother, but there’s really not much to say to her. I could update her on my life, but that’d take forever and I’m sure she’s busy doing whatever it is she’s doing nowadays.

Later…

Thank you, God and Tom! Winning the bet is going to be no problem and Tom has made it clear, although subtly, that I will get my period next month and I strongly vibe it, too. When I was asking him about Ibuprofen being addicting or playing with my period, he said not to worry and that it’s non-addicting and that it won’t mess with my period for next month. I’ve been needing it for my tooth as well as for cramps.

Having a kid has not only become scarier but it’s gotten to be quite a turn-off in my mind in light of all that’s gone on. First I lived in the depression of knowing I couldn’t have a child and now I live in the fear of getting pregnant. Not literally, of course, cuz I know God and Tom are taking care of making sure I don’t. It’s just that even though they’ve got that covered, I still have to do the work at making sure it doesn’t happen. Even if Tom really did want a kid, we have to wait till my teeth are done being worked on whenever that’ll be and we have to wait till his father dies and that’ll probably be during the middle of the summer, I guess.

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 9, 1996
I finally got my period and I now realize more than ever how much God will love me for doing “right.” Every day I’ve been praying for my period and letting God know how much I know what a wrong thing a baby would be for me. I prayed to never have a baby and for Tom to lose the bet, even though I know I’ve got nothing to worry about.

Tom’s up now, so I’ll write later.

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 8, 1996
Another day of waking up at 98 pounds, and no period. I’ve got slight cramping and I know it’s coming and that I can’t be pregnant. I hope I get it soon, though, cuz this could mean something could be wrong and that’d be all I’d need.

Tom just got up and I’ve got nothing else to say at the moment, so I’ll return later.

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 7, 1996
Hey cool! I’m 98 pounds on the day I’m due for my period. I wish my period would hurry up and start, though, as I am soooooo bloated.

I can’t get on AOL till 7 AM ET cuz they’re updating their system.

I watched a movie, listened to music and showered, but now I’m not sure what I’ll do. Maybe type up some drafts pertaining to my life. Maybe do some artwork.

Later…

I left Andy a message to tell Michelle she can forget about calling Tom, but thanks anyway. I told them that if either of us wished to bring up the subject of adoption, we would. In truth, though, I don’t need to know what I already know.

I can’t watch Little House on the Prairie cuz the cable’s out.

Got another message from Tammy. She wanted to know about a way to contact any other people she knew. I also told her to look in AOL’s member directory and how Tom and I once looked to see how many people with my maiden and married name there were.

She also said she did pick out other names, but they were taken. Mystery was taken. That is why I’m Mysterylin.

There was a quick hello from Becky too, and she says she’ll be writing to me soon.

I hope Tammy gets a new printer too, soon.

I sent Kim a letter. She once asked me if I wanted any stationary, saying she had lots of it. I told her to go ahead and send some if she still wants to and if it’s not a hassle. As long as it’s not shaped funny, I can reset the margins to fit it.

Later…

I’ve finally had it with those two dogs two yards down and have sent them a letter. Now hopefully I’ll only have one more letter to send and that’ll be to the people who move in next door about their kids and dogs. I just hope these people don’t come to the door asking if I knew who sent it, even though I’ll say no.

I feel so bad for these dogs, too. It’s so cruel that they have to be outside 24/7.

Anyway, I wrote that I was sorry to have to write this, but I’m just a concerned neighbor with a wacky brother who’s threatened to shoot the dogs due to their barking and as sick as it is, he’s unstable enough to do it, so please try to lessen their barking. It’d be helpful and appreciated. I’d like to give my name and number but don’t want to cuz I don’t want my brother to know I wrote this.

I’m almost 100% sure, though, it’ll do no good. Anyone who doesn’t give a shit about their dogs won’t give a shit about their neighbors. In fact, they’ll probably say to themselves - fine. Shoot the dogs. We don’t give a damn. I mean, they obviously don’t give a damn to be leaving them outside like this. Then again, next door stunned me by quieting their kids down, so we’ll see. And also, their dog was out 24/7 too.

I listened to music earlier, but I haven’t done any singing yet.

Robin was here earlier for the first time in quite a while. I sensed her while I was laying down and I was like - go away! But she then proceeded on to say she was sorry for causing electrical problems, but that she still loves me and loves to see me. She promises that things will work out and that I’ll never have to be as miserable as I was back East. Well, if she’s really for real, I hope she’s right about my never having to be as miserable as I was back East!

It’s gonna be 83º here today and 86º or 88º tomorrow. Wow! We may have to get the EC ready soon. When I go out to smoke in the middle of the night, though, it’s still pretty darn chilly.

It’s amazing that this journal only took 13 days. I still have to finish typing 105 as well as the last 8 pages in here.

Yesterday I did a lot. I busted my ass with housecleaning and other stuff, so I might be kind of lazy today. Maybe I’ll try calling Kim. She mentioned bleeding from her ass (maybe hemorrhoids), but hopefully it’s no big deal and hopefully, she isn’t in the hospital.

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 6, 1996
No more being able to rank on Tammy for having a piece of shit for a computer. She got a brand new one that’s faster than ours for $1,600. She’s got CD-ROM, Windows 95, big speakers and all kinds of things. I told her that since I can’t rank on her for having a piece of shit for a computer I’ll have to double the amount of ranking I do on her cold and snowy winters and her humid summers.

Just called AOL and got two messages from Alex and one from Tammy. All she said was that she made it online and would talk to us soon. What a boring, non-original screen name she’s using.

I sent her a reply letting her know I am very happy for her and now she can enjoy all the things we do. I won’t be sending her regular mail anymore. Just to my folks, Bob, Kim, and Larry.

I don’t usually print out Alex’s messages since they’re usually short with nothing really new.

Got a letter from Kim today with letters she got from Bob. She also sent copies of her AT&T bill and her Excel bill, but I’m shitty with math, so I’m gonna let Tom check it out. She also sent a $5 bill saying some places charge $5 to switch over, some charge $3 and some charge nothing, but to keep it anyway.

Yesterday my combination of PMS and being tired didn’t have me in the best of moods. I could tell Tom was bored by my rambling on and on and he even said so, but also that it was OK to get it out of my system. Just when I had been doing so good at keeping my mouth shut!

Then he came out and told me the biggest lie to cheer me up, even though he denied it was to cheer me up. He told me that he was gonna win the bet. What a liar and how it’s all the more obvious that he loves playing with my head about this!

Yesterday I really got on my ass about smoking indoors and am now smoking outside. I hate it and it’s a pain, but it’s already begun to cut me down as far as how much I smoke is concerned.

Later…

Now I’ll get into describing places I’ve lived, but first, I got 3 free pairs of pantyhose in the mail today and a form for the Literary Book Club so I can get 6 free books in a bogus name.

After I was born in Springfield, we lived in a house there till very shortly after I was born. I was only a few weeks old, I think, when we moved into a 4-bedroom house in Longmeadow. The house, which was next door to my mother’s parents had a huge backyard. Many acres both out in the open as well as set in the woods where I had my swing set and Larry and Tammy had their private fort. The house was built right before I was born and was pretty modern and still is compared to the second house. It was on Berkeley Drive and the cellar was just about finished. It was carpeted with heated floors and even a toilet, sink and shower stall. The stairs that went down into the cellar were in the middle. To the right was one big room with a few built-in shelves. On the other side was my little playroom, the bathroom in the middle and the laundry room behind that.

The first floor circled the staircase. If you were standing in front of the stairs, the front door would be behind you. To your left would be the dining room, through there in the back would be the kitchen, and through the kitchen would be a small hallway. To the left was a bathroom with a sink and toilet and to the right was a walk-in pantry and the stairs to the cellar. Past this was a long living room that made up one whole side of the house.

Upstairs were 4 bedrooms with just a small hallway in the center and a full bath.

The attic in this house wasn’t one you could walk up into. You had to go through a hole in the ceiling and stand on beams.

There was a double-car garage at the left of the house.

Berkeley Drive was a quiet dead-end road with a circle at the end of it. There were only 7 houses on that road.

When I was 12, we moved to Birchwood Ave., also in Longmeadow. This was on the corner of a busier street with many more houses on it. This house was also a 4-bedroom and it was bigger and older, built in the late 1800s, but I liked it much better. It was kept in excellent condition and my mother had the rooms with different kinds of wallpapers and carpets as she loved to do, so most of the interior was pretty modern looking. Its front and back yards were very small, but this was to free my dad from having to do so much yard work as his heart was never the greatest. Even I’d mow the lawn from time to time. My dad used a sit-down mower at the other house.

Its cellar wasn’t as finished or as nice as the other one, but it was my private resort that I loved. My stereo and guinea pigs lived down there and that’s where I’d do my homework, too, at my desk which had drawers and a bookcase. Again, the stairs were in the middle of the cellar, and towards the right was one big side (my side) with lots of big built-in cabinets. The left side was where the washer and dryer were and there was also a small room with an old freezer in it as well as another small room with no floor in it. I used to wonder if I’d find any secret passageways.

The first floor was kind of like a U. If you enter through the back door which is in the kitchen, as with the other house, you enter a huge kitchen. This was one of my favorite kitchens and I think my mom agreed. Off of the kitchen was a bathroom with a sink and toilet and in front of that, also off the kitchen was a closet area within a small area. There was where the steps leading to the cellar were.

Through the kitchen was a dining room and through that was a good size foyer where the front door was as well as the stairs going up to the bedrooms.

Through the foyer was a huge living room that ran the length of the house. Off of the living room was a solarium.

The upstairs hallway was kind of in the shape of a staple. Once you hit the top of the stairs, there’s a bedroom on the left. If you go right, there’s a full bathroom and to the right of that is another bedroom with a porch off of that. In the middle of the hallway was a big linen closet. To the right of that were the stairs to the attic. It was a full walk-in attic that I’m sure we would’ve used as a playroom if we kids had been younger. To the right of the attic stairs was the master bedroom, then to the right of the master bedroom was the last bedroom. That was mine in the beginning and if you stood right outside the door and looked towards your left, the stairs went right down under you. Off of my room was a small cedar closet. Its door was a few inches shorter than I am.

The master bedroom was always my parent’s room. The first bedroom was my father’s mother’s, then Lisa’s bedroom (Tammy’s first kid when she was a baby). The second bedroom went from being a den to Tammy’s room, then back to a den. My room became Tammy’s room cuz after I graduated I lived in the cellar.

Although I had my share of horrible times in this house, it also gives me a warm feeling to remember it and I did have some good times there. I fell in love with this house the second I saw it.

From when I was about 5 till my late teens, my family and I always spent the summer at our beach cottage in CT. I had more shitty times there and wished we could stay home a lot. When we first got this 4-bedroom cottage, it was a dump. My folks fixed it up really nice and later knocked out some walls making it a 2-bedroom cottage. It was small and on one floor. The walk to the beach from there took only about 90 seconds.

I first went out on my own the day before I turned 20 in 1985, so it’s been just over 10 years now. I first moved to Locust Street in Springfield on the first floor into a 1-bedroom apartment. This 4-story building was built in the 50s and the apartment was nothing too bad and nothing too impressive. It was about 600 square feet and I had a roommate there for a month or two. Her name was Michelle L and she was a 17-year-old runaway that I worked at the Harley Hotel with. She said her father molested her. She turned out to be a major backstabber who took no appreciation for my rescuing her from her home situation. This was at the time I wouldn’t see my brother for 8 years as she, as well as Jenny, came between me and my brother. My brother fell in love with her and they had an affair. Michelle and Larry were becoming more of a nuisance by the minute and in order to get rid of Michelle, I knew I had to get rid of both of them. So, I kicked her out and she went to live with Larry and his family, but I don’t know for how long.

I was only in this apartment for about 5 or 6 months. I think it was the following May that I moved due to someone knocking on my window at night. If I’d had the guts I have today, I would’ve waited outside the window at night to take care of the problem. I think I did once, but no one showed up. This left me to believe it was my brother or someone he knew. I still don’t know up to this day. In the end, whoever it was did me a favor, cuz I moved around the corner in the same building on Woodside Terrace into a much bigger and nicer 1-bedroom apt. This one was about 900 square feet. It was on the fourth floor and I lived there till July 1987. I had a black girl named Barbara T live with me there for a couple of weeks who ripped me off and was a lazy bitch. She rang up $143 of long-distance phone calls while she was there, but luckily my good acting with the phone company got it wiped out. There really wasn’t any way I could’ve afforded to pay that, either. I can’t remember where I met Barbara which is weird since I have a great memory, but I think I met her along Locust St.

Then I moved to Oswego St. onto a second floor in a 1-bedroom apartment that was more modern. I even had a garbage disposal there. This apartment was about 600 square feet. My roommate at this place was Crystal C. Another lazy bitch who ripped off a few pieces of clothing from me. She was a real wimp who was under the bad influence of her no-good boyfriend. We met at Dunkin Donuts and ended up chatting when the discussion of roommates came up. After a month or so, she left out of fear of me. I don’t know why she was afraid of me when all I wanted was for her to do her share of chores.

I left there on March 17th of 1989 to move back to the same fourth-floor apartment on Woodside Terrace.

After Crystal, I wanted no more roommates, but I ended up taking in my best friend Andy who I reunited with in April of 1988 cuz he got evicted from his own apt. It was terrible, as all we did was fight and he wasn’t there more than a month or so either. We’re just too much alike to live together, but Andy’s also changed dramatically for the better since then. I think we both have.

I moved out of Springfield to South Deerfield, MA, 40 minutes away from Springfield, on April 1, 1991. This was the most beautiful 1400 square foot (the size of this house), 1-bedroom apartment I ever had, but I was terribly isolated there. This apartment had everything from a Jacuzzi in its bathtub to a dishwasher, washer and dryer in the bathroom, a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. A ceiling fan, a microwave, a burglar alarm and 3 big skylights. There was only one other apartment in this 3-story office building where friends of mine lived. We lived on the top floor.

I moved to Norwich, CT February 8, 1992, to the biggest dump I ever lived in. The Norwich Housing Authority. I lived in a rundown, filthy old 1-bedroom apartment that was about 500 square feet. It was to be a 102-day nightmare and the noise there was horrible and this place literally ran me down physically and mentally till I came to Phoenix on June 9, 1992.

The apartments in Phoenix were very modern and beautiful with dishwashers and some had a washer and dryer in the apartments, but their walls are still too thin. Just about all apartment complexes have pools and even Jacuzzis.

I spent my first 5 days here with Andy who had been here 16 months before I got to his 400-square-foot studio apartment. I ended up getting the same studio two buildings away from him on the first floor. Then, I moved right behind him into his building in an identical studio. The walls were also too thin there and I hated my neighbors. This was in the Vista Ventana apartment complex.

Then I moved about 40 minutes away to the Crystal Creek complex in April of 1993 into my first 2-bedroom apartment on the second floor that was about 1000 square feet. My husband lived next to me and that’s how we met, but I hated the people below me.

Then I moved to an identical apartment in the back of the complex to avoid the pool noise till I moved here in September 1993. This has been the longest I’ve ever lived in one place since being on my own. Then again, I spent a total of 3 years at the Woodside Terrace apartment counting both times I lived there.

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 5, 1996
I’m bored now, but earlier I typed a couple of letters and played Balistic. I need a new project. Something new and exciting that’ll take me a while to do.

Tammy left a message saying she was just calling to say hi. She would never call to just say hi, so she probably has some computer questions.

I’m getting nervous about Tom’s upcoming vacation. I’m afraid all we’ll do is fight no matter how hard we try not to.

When I look at this man there’s so much love I feel, but there’s also so much anger. I just try to remind myself that I’m sure he tried to find a way to tell me the truth, but he just doesn’t have the heart to break my heart and no one should be forced into being a father or a mother if it’s not what they want. I must continue to accept that just cuz I can’t have the things I want, doesn’t mean there’s not something else out there just as fulfilling.

We had sex yesterday which was a bore. I didn’t cum cuz I had taken care of myself earlier due to thinking he wouldn’t bring it up.

He says his favorite time for sex is in the mornings, but his actions show me he likes it at the end of his day. It’s safer that way. That way he’s more tired so he can hold back.

I know now that Tom and God are only trying to protect me. I’ve been praying steadily the prayer I wrote a few pages back. This way I can feel close to him and that he loves me cuz I’m praying for what’s correct for me.

There are two things out of the many things that Tom’s been all talk and no action that I’m truly grateful for and that’s that he doesn’t wake me up when I’m asleep for sex as he said he would. He’ll also never read my stories which saves me lots of embarrassment. I told Tom that if I die to give my original journals to Andy. Andy will read them, but Tom wouldn’t, so I guess it’d be best for those books to go to someone who’ll read them and get a big kick out of them. The only other person in this world who might want to read these would be Tammy, but I don’t think she’d have the time.

I’m gonna go leave Andy a message unless he answers.

Later…

I can’t believe it took me 30 years to learn that the word instrament is spelled instrument when it applies to a musical instrument!

Andy’s been on the phone for quite a while, but I left him a message. He’s probably talking to Quinn.

Karson hasn’t called which is fine with me. I admire her respect whereas Fran would keep calling people who didn’t want to hear from him, no matter what. I’m still amazed he doesn’t call periodically. He must’ve lost my number and forgotten my married name.

I guess now’s as good a time as any to write more about my life. I’ve thought of such subjects to get into such as places I’ve lived in, health situations and accidents I’ve been in, goals that are both current and past, friends and enemies I’ve had and people I couldn’t be with that I once wanted very much to be with.

There’s not much to say in the way of goals since these have pretty much been a joke for me. I’ve always wanted to be a singer. I didn’t start wanting to be a mom till I was about 24 and then after I left the NHA when I was 26 it went away till I met Tom. I should visit a place like the NHA daily cuz this not only may bring back bad memories, but it’ll surely help me get over never having a kid much easier.

Up till I was about 10, I used to also want to be an actress, but I haven’t wanted to be since then, even though, if a legit deal came my way, I wouldn’t necessarily turn it down.

I had thought about working with the deaf since I’m fluent in sign language, but there’s so much more needed for that than just knowing how to sign. There are extra credentials required like experience working with all different kinds of people, other degrees, etc. Nowadays, I’d just prefer to have a deaf friend to sign with for the fun of it as signing is fun.

Other than wanting to be a singer and a mom which cannot be, I just have to have confidence that I’ll find something just as fulfilling and productive. Like I said, I may wonder why God hates me at times, but I know deep down he’s just looking out for my best interest and loves me enough to protect me. Therefore, I have faith in him that he won’t just let me wander around aimlessly forever. He’ll make sure I cross paths with something. Meanwhile, I know that as long as I keep praying for him to continue protecting me from pregnancy and stuff like that, that I know would hurt me, and that I’d be lousy at, and to help me find something correct for me, I’ll be on his good side for sure.

Let’s move on to the health and accident department. Well, I’ve been lucky for the most part, but I’ve been through enough hell as well. Besides typical colds and flues, I’ve had to deal with asthma and allergies for the most part. I outgrew my asthma till a few years after I began smoking and I began smoking when I was 13. From about September 1990 to early 1993 was when I went through hell with my asthma, having attacks that nearly killed me. It was a constant living nightmare that I never thought I’d be free of. It had me in such a grip that this alone made me wish I was dead plenty of times.

When I was about 9, I had double viral pneumonia and was hospitalized for two weeks in New London, CT with it since it happened while we were at our summer home at the beach in Old Lyme, CT.

When I was around that same age, I was spending a few weeks at Jenny C’s house in Huntington, MA where I went over the handlebars of my bike and wound up with 60 stitches in 4 layers in my chin.

I also banged my pinky finger and my knee doing gymnastics. I got my pinky sprained on the vault and sideswiped my knee on the beam.

I was born with no outer ear on my left side and no canal or hearing. All I had was a tiny portion of the lobe. It took 15 operations in the 70s in Boston to build the outer ear out of plastic surgery. The first 8 operations were in-patient, and the rest were out-patient. Back then they had no CAT scans and was told I’d never hear out of that ear.

Then, in 1994 it took two operations to build an ear canal and in the second operation, the frame was taken off cuz it was causing major sensitivity. Both operations were out-patient. It’s amazing how it took 15 operations where I had to stay a few days to build the frame and it took only one to remove it in 10 minutes when I was home that same day. That ear doesn’t hear half as well as the other, but some hearing is better than none and music sounds pretty neat with headphones on.

The rest of my medical ordeals were self-inflicted. I began cutting my forearm as a sick way to release my pressures which became rather addicting at around age 8. That escalated over time but stopped when I was 17 after I jumped out of a window and broke my upper right arm. That was the most painful thing I ever experienced, aside from wild cramps due to the DES, and that deterred me from suicide attempts, even though I’ve thought about it many times.

I also began starvation diets when I was around 10 and that nearly killed me twice. It began when I was at the beach and didn’t eat or drink for 3 days. When I awoke on the third day, I couldn’t raise my head off of the pillow. If it hadn’t been for the fact that the kitchen was 3 feet away from where I’d slept, I’d have died as my mother couldn’t care less. Her attitude was, “You did it to yourself; you correct it.” It took me nearly 8 hours to muster up the strength and determination to grab a devil dog, then 10 minutes to open and eat it, then another hour or two to get up and shower.

This really messed up my stomach and I’d have diarrhea without even knowing it. It was so gross and embarrassing, but I’d be right smack in the middle of the beach when all of a sudden this brown stuff would be running down my legs. I don’t know who I was madder at. Me for doing this or at my mother for not helping me. Would she have left me to die if I could never have gotten to the cupboard for that Devil Dog? I’ll always wonder about this and it’s a scary question.

I’d have times when I’d not eat here and there, but I always made sure I had plenty of liquids. When I was 16, I became seriously anorexic. A lot of it wasn’t just that I wouldn’t eat cuz I thought I was fat, but I was going through such a hellish ordeal that I just couldn’t eat and the second foster mother I was with wouldn’t feed me that much at all.

When I was around 14, two years before what I just wrote about happened, I overdosed on pain and sleeping pills. Luckily, though, I never needed my stomach pumped.

Before I get into more detail about my life, I think I’ll describe all the places I’ve lived in and that’s omitting any foster homes or funny farms I’ve been in for now.

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 4, 1996
Tom went to bed a couple of hours ago, and he says he’s gonna get up in about 6 hours. This way he can reset his schedule and he’s already all caught up on his sleep. I wish I could do that!

I called Sandy and Jenny a few hours ago as I figured they’d more than likely be home then, rather than tomorrow morning.

I am amazed at how much Sandy loves to get my drawings. She says she and Jen really look forward to them and run to check out each other’s drawings. Cool.

Sandy and I also teased each other about the weather. It hit a high of 13º there today and they just got 6” of snow dumped on them to add to what’s already there.

Sandy also says they all laugh about the pie incident now and then.

Michelle hasn’t called Tom, so I wonder if Andy talked her out of it. If so, it’s no big deal and I told her she didn’t have to do it and that it was no biggie.

Now I’m gonna start this week’s letters. All the laundry is done, so it’s nice having that out of the way.

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 3, 1996
Last night I cried for 6 hours and was so depressed. I was trying to do anything and everything I can to shake it. I still haven’t talked to Tom about it and I won’t ever.

There’s something I’ve always realized that I realize now more so than ever before. There are two things, actually. The first thing is that I’ve come to see more and more that even if I could have the things I want, I could never handle them. I’m just not cut out for them. I can’t sing well enough and I could never be a good mother or handle that either. Also, I realize more than ever that I’ve got to start accepting what can and can’t be and stop trying to fight these fights I could never win. I’ve got to let go and just take what I can get in life and take what’s meant to be. I’m wasting my life and driving myself crazy by trying to get things that aren’t destined. I see more than ever now that it’s not that I’m a quitter or am giving up in any way, it’s that it’s hopeless. I simply am powerless to obtain the things I want in life. I really lectured myself earlier about this telling myself, “Come on now, you know that just cuz you got here and you got Tom that you still can’t have first best. You know you can’t have anything you really want that really matters to you. First best isn’t meant for you, so just accept that and move on.”

Move on to what, though? That’s the scary part. Accepting that I can’t be a singer or a mother is frustrating and depressing, but not knowing what’s meant for me for real is scary. God obviously doesn’t want me working regular jobs any more than he wants me singing or being a mom, otherwise he’d have me able to do that and keep a schedule. He didn’t make me that way or able to be a singer and a mom, so what does that leave? What’s he got planned for me? Does he even have anything planned? Do I even have a destiny? Is this really it as far as my life goes? Will I just continue to do journals, sing for fun, watch TV, do puzzles and clean the house? Is that it? Is that it aside from whatever else Tom and I do together? Is this all I’m good for and deserve?

I miss those days when I first got here when I was so happy constantly, despite my problems with neighbors and money. It’s not that I wish for that life back, but I wish I wasn’t hit as hard by things both physically and mentally. It seems that most others who find they can’t have something they really want can get over it much quicker than I do. They seem to accept it quicker and easier and they also always seem to find something fast enough to replace whatever it was that they first wanted and accept it without being so depressed about it. Maybe these people aren’t as happy as they’d like to be, but they don’t seem so miserable over not being able to get what they consider first best cuz most of us don’t get first best cuz life doesn’t work that way. I guess the only thing about it with me is that wanting to be a singer is much more of a long shot, than wanting a child. Most people can’t sing at all and don’t become singers, but most people also can have a child.

Andy was reminding me again earlier that his sister Linda and her husband tried for 8 years before they could have a kid and she experienced all the same emotions as I am. Yeah, well there’s a big difference between someone who can’t get pregnant due to a physical problem than there is with someone who can’t get pregnant due to her husband making sure she doesn’t cuz of his own individual fears as well as his fears of how much she’d suck as a mom and couldn’t handle it. Well, he’s right and I realize more and more that Tom is afraid cuz of how I’d be as a mom. He hasn’t got any faith in me than I’ve got in myself and I don’t know if all the talk he used to say about believing I’d be a good mom was always just talk or if he’s come to see and believe that through time.

There are still only two things Tom can do. The only question is when? When will he come out and tell me that he not only doesn’t want to deal with a kid but that he doesn’t have faith in me as a mom? If not that, then he’s gonna have to make sure he finds a way to beat the appointment in ‘97 and make sure it doesn’t work for him.

Yes, this type of misery is better than the old types of misery which I know sounds funny. At least I’m not in the NHA or broke or alone. Yeah, I know, though. The person I’m with is fucking me out of a dream. Believe me, I’ve asked myself how I could love him for doing this to me and why I don’t just leave, but I love him. Just like I used to ask myself how I could love my mother after all she did to me, but I guess I love her too. I also know that if it weren’t for my mother I wouldn’t be here and if it weren’t for Tom, I wouldn’t be hearing out of two ears and I wouldn’t have a lot of other things.

I wasn’t kidding when I said I wouldn’t talk to Tom about this anymore. It will never change anything and he just doesn’t get it. He’s not the one who wants a kid and to be a singer and he doesn’t want to change anything to make it so we have a kid. Nothing will change the 3 things that are keeping him from cumming. 1. His not wanting a kid to deal with. 2. His fears of my being a bad mother. 3. His enjoyment of teasing me with this subject.

Nothing will change God’s mind either and I want so much more than ever to work on not trying to solve problems that can’t be solved year after year. I have to treat unsolvable problems like hopelessly broken TVs. If it can’t be fixed, you dump it. Well, it’s my life and Tom can control my body from getting pregnant, but he can’t control me from refusing to play this game and deal with hopeless problems year after year.

For the first time in eons, I prayed to God and here’s basically what I said: I still may never know if you’re a hoax, a myth or evil and you know the reasons why I’ve been afraid to pray to you. I’ve also been confused for the longest time as to what I should pray to you for. Nonetheless, I see it’s obvious you won’t budge on the issue of a child and I know you’ll never allow me to have a child or allow Tom to allow himself to have an orgasm. I’ve come to realize that it’s not that you won’t allow me a child to punish me, but that you’re just trying to protect me. I promise not to fight you on things you won’t allow anymore if you’re really trying to protect me and all I ask is two things. Please continue to protect me from pregnancy as I see that I could never handle it or handle a child. Also, it’s very important that you help me find a supplement in life. Something I’d be satisfied with doing that’ll occupy more of my time and help me to accept not ever having a child. I’m tired of being upset over things I can’t have, so please help me to make it easier to accept the things that I can’t have and to find other things in life.

I decided it was my turn to play another game with Tom. Well, you remember our bet about 5 months ago I knew I’d win and I did win? We bet that if he came within 30 days that I’d have to go a day without smoking and that if he didn’t cum, he owed me nothing. Due to his loving to lie about it, he said he was sure he’d win the bet and that there was no doubt in his mind about it, but we both knew he wanted to lose. He didn’t seem the least bit upset about losing, either, cuz that’s how much he wanted to. I made a new bet with him. I said he could have till March 1st to cum with no excuses such as bad days where he’d need more time. If he didn’t cum, nothing would change. If he did, he doesn’t have to clean the back room (which he tried putting a guilt trip on me about earlier cuz he said he’d clean it nearly 2½ years ago) and also, I’d go a day without smoking. I told him, though, that I don’t make bets I can’t keep. He asked me, “If I clean the back room before March 1st, then win the bet, do I get to trash the back room?” I told him OK. Why does he love things so trashed and unorganized? He says he doesn’t, but his actions say differently, just like with the kid, or else he’d have cleaned it long ago. I can’t believe how stupid he thinks I am. Anyway, we both know he wants to lose this bet and that he will, so I’m far from worried about having to go a day with no cigarettes. And again, if he did cum, it’d be once and during a time when I couldn’t get pregnant and so he could get out of doing the back room and so he could see me suffer for a day without smoking.

Only two things will happen. He’ll either admit the truth about the kid or beat that 1997 appointment.

Tom’s also sick again, by the way. NOW does he believe me when I say it’s gonna be one thing after another and that he’s not the only one trying to hold us back?

The roof in the back room is leaking much more and he’s got to figure out what to do about that this weekend. I also wonder how much longer the TV will last.

I thought the hair growing out by my ear where it had been shaved looked stupid, so I trimmed the other side to make it even. It looks better this way.

Later…

Did I mention something funny I did with Sandy’s birthday letter? On Jenny’s, I drew a flamingo and on Sandy’s, I drew 3 palm trees and wrote: If you stare at these trees, will people think you’re weird? This is what she said was the case when she stared at all the palm trees in Florida.

I forgot to mention how I got the nickname Mystery. It was my stage name as a dancer. A friend’s friend had a baby named Mystery, so that’s how I got the idea.

I spoke to Andy and Michelle about Michelle calling Tom from Big Brothers & Sisters and asking what I already wrote about. Yes, she is an excellent actress and yes, she will do it. When I first told Andy about what I wanted Michelle to do to Tom and why, he was nervous at first that if Tom gave me an answer I didn’t want to hear, it’d ruin our marriage. Now, why would he think that? I explained to him, of course, that it was just my way of assuring myself whether or not I should mention adoption. Of course, the truth is to see if he says he doesn’t want a kid.

How will I react if he tells Michelle he doesn’t want a kid? Not surprised, but pissed. Also, as hard as it’ll be, I’ll have to keep my mouth shut about it, cuz then I wouldn’t be able to do something like this again if I needed or wanted to. Besides, it won’t change anything. It’ll just reaffirm what I already figured, and he’ll be all upset if I were to confront him. Not due to being tricked nearly as much as being “caught” with confessing. I think his answer might be “maybe” rather than “yes” or “no,” cuz he’ll probably not want to bother discussing it and he may not wish to answer yes or no without knowing what the point is. Of course, there’ll be no point as she’ll be hanging up in mid-sentence after his answer.

After the job is done Andy will tell me over the phone what his answer was. Not on the machine, naturally, so there’ll be no way Tom will know about this unless he reads my journals or bugs the phone and I highly doubt that.

Later…

Tom worked 4 hours, then stopped by his parents’ and now he’s working on the back room. I appreciate how aggressively he’s been working the back room, but I almost feel like he’s punishing me for it. It’s like he’s saying, “OK, if you’re gonna get on my case with the back room, I’ll do it, but I won’t be giving you sex.”

No problem getting him to go down on me, but we haven’t screwed for a good 8 days or so. It’s amazing how long he can go with no sex and how low his appetite is, but I’m sure that in the shower and when he goes to the bathroom, he gets it out of his system.

He said he saw a city van go in to clean next door when he got home yesterday. I guess the city does own the house and that they’re gonna try to sell it again. Soon the 2-4 or more kids will be there as well as the 1-2 dogs.

Can you believe I’m 98 pounds 2 days before my period? Lucky me.

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 2, 1996
Now as far as that love life that’s a joke – well – like I said before, there really wasn’t any till I met Tom. I didn’t understand my being a lesbian and that it’s a genetic thing you’re born with until I was in my early 20s. I just thought it was a phase I’d grow out of, but I was always attracted to women since I was little. They were always better looking to me, but certainly not every woman. I’m pretty picky. I always used to wish I was one of those where looks didn’t matter to me, cuz then I wouldn’t have spent so much time alone, even though that’s much safer.

Once when I was about 13, I let a boy go down on me, but I never came. Then when I was 20 and in my first apt., I let another guy go down on me and I came. I think his name was Richard. The roommate I’d had at that time liked him, but we both saw soon enough what a lying immature jerk he was.

Then I met Ron M when I was 21 and we even told my parents we were engaged. I just didn’t know how to say no to second best yet and thought I couldn’t do any better or ever get a woman. He was the first guy who could get inside me, even though it took a few months of trying and even though he was small. Ron and I were history 6 months after we met.

Then I met Al L when I was 22. This whiny little geek was the type to hate everyone and find problems with everyone. He couldn’t get it in there and he had premature ejaculation, anyhow. After two months, I was sick of him cutting me down, so he was out of the picture.

One night, also when I was 22, I guy named Mike came over and he ate me out as I jerked him off by hand. I never saw him again after this night.

Then after I moved for the 4th time when I was 24, I had oral sex with two different neighbors, Mark and Jai. The reason why it was only once is cuz that was all Mark wanted and Jai felt bad for cheating on his girlfriend.

Lastly, I had a one-nighter with Bruce, a guitarist I’d met. This was the second guy I ever had inside me, who was also conceited and negative toward me. Then there’d be no more guys till I met Tom in 1993.

It was right after my 24th birthday when I learned that I could get a woman, but not Miss Right. Miss Right was always straight, gay and taken or gay and not interested. There would be 6 women. Diana for one night, Lisa for one night, Kacey for a month, Brenda for 7 months, Ann Marie for two nights and Julia for one night. Julia was the only one I was with out here in Arizona.

I met Diana, Kacey and Lisa at a gay bar that Andy and I, who are also gay, would go to in Springfield here and there.

Diana was Puerto Rican, 5’ 4” with shoulder-length dark hair, dark eyes, and was chunky at about 140 pounds. I forgot what she did for work.

Lisa was an EMT and I remember wishing here and there that we could have more than one night. She seemed really cool and just an easygoing person in general. She was 5’ 4”, skinny with shoulder-length reddish-brown hair and brown eyes.

Kacey felt for me what I felt for Brenda. I really wanted Kacey in the beginning, but she just couldn’t get into me. Brenda wanted me really badly, but she became too persistent and had so many problems.

Kacey lived in a duplex and was the only one I’d ever had for a lover or a friend at this time that had a decent job and income. She was a chemical operator and made just over $15 an hour. She was 5’ 4” with light brown hair to her waist and she had hazel eyes. She weighed about 110.

Brenda was my neighbor and this is how we met. She was 5’ 6”, very thin, with medium-length brown hair and brown eyes. She was part Cherokee and she had distinct features and she looked Cherokee. She drove a taxi.

Brenda was a good person who wasn’t stupid, but she was a wimp. She just didn’t know how to stand up to those who pushed her around and she began doing crack. She was also smothering me.

I met Julia at the first club I danced at. She came in as a customer with a male friend of hers and she told me she was curious. A few months later, we got together. She was Mexican, 5’ 2” with hair down to the middle of her ass that was dark and so was her eyes. She was of average weight. I think she worked in an office.

Then I met Tom who was also my neighbor in April of 1993. I moved into his house the following September and we were married on June 15, 1994.

Later…

I guess Tom isn’t sick again. He just had a sore throat due to some allergy and just needs to catch up on his sleep as I did.

I asked Tom his opinion of Jenny. He thinks she tried calling when she got my letter, couldn’t reach me, then had second thoughts about it and figured it wasn’t meant to be.

Maybe, but I think she never intended to call. Lucky for me, though, in a sense. I just don’t want no shit.

Later…

I just did the same Snoopy drawing I did in the back cover of my paper journal. He asked me to do it so he could carve it.

Luckily, I’ll be asleep during most of tomorrow cuz I have a feeling the neighborhood kids just might enjoy the basketball hoop next door, even though I haven’t heard anything in days.

Tom’s working half a day tomorrow, then he’s gonna stop by his parent’s house. I wonder how his parents are enjoying their new neighbors.

Sunday and Monday are Sandy and Jennifer’s birthdays, so I’ll call them Sunday. I made cards/letters with drawings and I hope they arrive on time.

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 1, 1996
I drew a woman on her toes in ballet slippers up to below her knees in the kitchen. I got the idea from journal 41. I don’t know if I like it. I guess it’s OK, but it seems that one foot is bigger than the other, as usual. It’s hard to get two eyes just right, two eyebrows and two feet proportioned.

I’ve been thinking of an idea that I’m finally going to put into action. I’d need Andy’s roommate Michelle to do this, though, cuz Tom doesn’t know her voice and I don’t know anyone else who could do this for me. I just hope she’s as good of an actress as I hear and won’t fuck up. I was thinking of having her call and say she was from Big Brothers & Sisters and ask if he has any kids, then if he’s planning on having any and see what he says. Right after his answer, I’d want her to start to say something like, “The reason why I’m calling is-” then put her finger on the receiver as if the line got cut off by mistake. Then, she can report to me or have Andy report to me whether or not he said no to the question of if he’s planning on having any kids.

My own best friend, however, doesn’t know the truth about Tom as Kim does cuz she’s a nurse. I’m just too damn embarrassed. He thinks it’s just the DES that’s the problem, so I’ll say that the reason why I want her to do this is cuz I’m thinking about asking him about adoption, but that sometimes people may answer a stranger differently than someone they know.

He was in a good mood, as I said earlier and he said he felt relaxed and calm. Just what he needs to feel to cum, so he says. Is this why he only wanted to go down on me earlier? It’s ironic - and maybe funny - but true that there’s one day out of every month that I cannot count on us having sex and doing other stuff. That’d be the 14th day after my period started, of course.

He’ll be on vacation from the 10th-19th of this month and I jokingly said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if we made a family during your vacation?”

He said, “That wouldn’t be funny. I’d be happy.”

Yeah, right. Sure he would. Well, his vacation’s out of the question anyway as I won’t be mid-cycle till a day or two after his vacation.

When I thought back on the message that he wrote for me in the angel journal, I’d always thought there was something phony or just plain old not right with it and it was last night that the answer hit me. I guess it was the way he worded it “if you’re not a mother” and not “if we’re not parents.”

We were talking about what sex therapists do and he was telling me that they condition people like he’s conditioned himself to wake up before his alarm goes off. I then asked him how come he couldn’t condition himself to cum and he said cuz it’s harder. Oh. Then that’s not gonna help us in ‘97 for sure. What the doctors will have to do would be strictly physical (plant his sperm in me), unless he then comes out and admits to not wanting a child.

Speaking of kids, well, I do hate to listen to them, just like other people’s music, dogs and whatever noise they can give off. Once or twice in the last 5 days or so, they’ve been fucking using the basketball hoop next door. I fucking swear, if there was a way I could tear that thing down I would! Don’t fucking tell me this is gonna be a new thing with them that’s going to occur more often. And the bulk of the time the kids have made noise has ironically been mostly when Tom’s here. As if God’s really trying to tease and rub in the fact that he won’t allow me one.

I just wish I knew why God hates me so much. Take Karson, for example. You mean to tell me that God loves her so much more than me that he goes and blesses her with a child and feels that she deserves it more than I do? Does he really think I’m that undeserving and such a bad person? Obviously so. I just hope to hell Kim can get pregnant when she marries Doug. That’d really restore some of my faith in God.

Anyway, I’ve decided to write according to subjects for the most part. I told you about myself, Tom and where we live and now it’s time for me to tell you why I hated New England so much. It’s too damn cold, old, ugly and expensive. That pretty much sums it up, not to mention the many bad memories I have from back there. I always felt “out of place” since I was little and that I didn’t belong there, and I really believe that I was born in the wrong state. I always knew I was meant to live out west. I just thought back then that it’d be California. I can’t wait to visit California, though.

So, where have I traveled to? Well, I’ve been to all the New England states as well as New York, and other states below Connecticut. My parents and I drove to Texas when I was about 11 to see my sister Tammy who lived there when she was married to her first husband.

My sister Tammy who’s 38 now lives in Salem, Connecticut. My brother Larry who’s 42 lives in Feeding Hills, Massachusetts and my folks like in Palm City, Florida. I’ve been there 3 times. I don’t remember the first time, though, since I was just a baby.

Anyway, Arizona’s the furthest from MA I’ve ever been.

Rather than get into my family and places I’ve been too much now, let me continue on with the jobs I’ve had. I don’t want to jump around too much and get sidetracked too much.

After I both quit and was fired from the Harley Hotel, my parents got me on SSI and SS checks in 1986. It wasn’t much and sometimes they had to help supplement me. I only worked a couple more jobs that barely lasted a month cuz I hated it so much and found it getting harder and harder to keep a schedule.

I tried waitressing in Springfield, then I worked in the laundry dept. of a nursing home in Springfield, then down at the end of my street in Springfield in a small convenience store, then waitressing at Denny’s in Chicopee with my best friend Andy during 3rd shift.

I quit all of these jobs, but I quit the one down at the end of my street out of fear as the neighborhood was getting deadlier by the minute.

I tried housekeeping on my own and babysitting back east here and there and even when I first came out here, but that was a drag, too.

Then I met someone after I’d been here a few months in 1992 who told me she was an exotic dancer and she didn’t feel threatened or scared by her work and that I should think about doing that myself. I did think about it for a few more months and after I’d been here for 6 months, I finally got up the nerve to audition at a nearby topless joint. I auditioned with two songs and even other dancers gave me tips. I got $18 just for those two songs and was hired that night.

The good news was that my money problems were over, but I was making far less than I’d hoped to. I thought I’d have hundreds of dollars left over to just blow off in the mall and even help my sister out back east, but this wouldn’t be the case.

For 8 months I worked at 4 different clubs. I didn’t work too much through February of 1993 cuz of a cold followed by the flu. First I worked at Sha Na Na’s, then moved and worked at the Mile High club which was the deadest. So, I left there and went to work at the Candy Store, but they changed their story as to what hours I could work, so I left and went into private-room dancing at a place called Favors. I made $275 the first night, got my picture in a magazine that these places advertise in, but then left cuz I made no money for 3-4 nights in a row. The last place I danced at was the Ex-Caliber club and that was OK, but by then I had settled in here with Tom and just decided to take care of the house so we could have more time with each other as he worked days and I’d have had to work nights.

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Last updated June 13, 2024