November 1995 in 1990s

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 30, 1995
Well, someone’s either restless or jerking off. I heard the bed slam against the wall a few times.

Got some great news today in the mail. They finally read my pap smear and it’s clear! No cancer!

I saw another commercial on TV for a different 70s CD, but even though I used a different name, they’re not stupid. Chances are close to zero of it arriving.

I got my parents’ package today. There was a too-big and not-too-impressive sweatshirt, but a perfect-fitting and impressive skirt. The skirt is of denim with chiffon at the end in shades of brown with a matching chiffon belt. I got an address book and hair clips. I got seashells and flowers in shades of pink that hang on the wall and a fancy face mask too. The mask was egg white and the eyes are lined in green glitter. The lips are of red glitter. One eye forms into the shape of a swan. Not the eye itself, but the green glitter. Then, across the face are shades of yellow and brown glitter. The face has pearls around it and around that is white and gold lace. At one side of the face is a red satin flowery bow with a yellow ribbon. Then there are two small feathers. One in pink and one in purple.

Andy called Stevie’s house earlier. I spoke to a woman whose voice he said he didn’t recognize. I said I was Lisa Salero and wanted advice on an album I’m making. She told me to call back tomorrow saying she had out-of-state company.

Later…

Yup. So far Tom’s at his game of you know what and I’m almost certain he won’t want to screw today. How do I feel about it? Well, I’ve actually got my mind more on the shopping we’re gonna be doing in 1½ hours from now.

I was right, though. He had to have read Journal 100. Otherwise, there’d have been no way he’d have touched me last month when he was supposed to “think” I was mid-cycle. He knows I really am mid-cycle today.

I also figured out why he’s so obsessed with putting stuff back in different positions. I wonder what took me so long to figure it out, too. I already figured out why he wants me to either wait for him to do certain things or to see that he’ll never do them. That’s to get me used to not getting things.

Like I’m not already?

The reason, or the message, I should say, that’s behind his moving shit around is that you can’t always have things your way. In other words, you can’t have a kid.

Again - as if I didn’t already know!

I’m surprised this trip means a lot to him in May cuz it’s an excuse to not do things, but I’m also surprised, too. Usually, people don’t really care so much about people’s families, but he is really psyched up about meeting them. He gives off a sense about it, rather than saying so. The only thing about it is that I can see in him something very familiar. He’s gonna kiss their asses. No matter how mean or nice they were to me. What is it with people siding with and reacting this way around my family? And how did my family come to obtain such power and persuasion over those I know?

No mail from Bob, so he’s probably busy fantasizing about Kim. How can anyone lust for her as he does? She’s got the same lousy shape I do; only it’s a bigger and more exaggerated version of it. Also, her face is so plain; almost ugly, and her hair’s gross. Nothing but short, kinky and frizzy.

Later…

Got two new spiral journals today which will probably be used for my story. We looked in a paper supply store for stuff to make journals, but we didn’t find what we wanted. I also got two canvases and my brush cleaner. It’s something different than Turpenoid, though, and it stinks.

I didn’t mention yet how Tom teased me twice today with both the issues of sex and a kid. I figured he would, though. He’s so predictable. I just went along with it, though, which is all I can really do. When we returned from shopping he said there’d be no time for sex today, even though he expected it. Right! If he wanted to, there was plenty of time this morning, and when he gets home if I’m still awake yet he cries no opportunity. Who does he think he’s kidding?

In the car, I said I was sorry if my being hyper was obnoxious. Then he goes on about demonstrating good behavior for this kid we’ll never have.

He says he’s committed to being neat if I quit smoking for this fictitious baby and I’m so sick of his lies, sick of his games, sick of his teasing and I just wish he’d leave me the fuck alone about the kid. If he’s gonna be too scared to plant the seed, then I want nothing to do with the subject. I’m at the point now where I may write about it, but couldn’t care less to discuss it with him. It’s pointless.

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 29, 1995
I’m trying to stay up as long as I can so I can go out tomorrow.

Got a check for $30 from my in-laws. I called Mom and Dad S to thank them for my birthday money. I told them I’d probably get Turpenoid, canvases, and journals.

I called my parents too, and as I kind of figured, the package they just sent isn’t my birthday present. The birthday present package will probably come today and I know there are clothes in it cuz Ma asked, “Does it fit?” thinking I got that.

I wasn’t horny today so it was fine with me that Tom was more into his TV this morning. Who knows if I’ll be horny tomorrow, but Tom knows I’m mid-cycle tomorrow. He hinted at sex, but in his mind, he may be thinking of getting the idea into my head, then backing out as part of his game.

I don’t know if I remembered to say so, but next door did repaint their house that same ugly brown. They did it last Sat. & Sun.

I spoke to Tammy earlier too, who had no real news to update me on, good or bad.

This shit with Bill has been a good way to save money on people’s birthdays or Chanukah and use the fact that there’s so much going on to get out of it. It’s true, though, that they are always on the go and need every penny they get.

I’m on page 47 of my story. If condensed to this size paper, it should already fill up one journal, unless I changed the size of the print.

Damn! I’m already tired.

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 28, 1995
I’m listening to an old convo tape now of Bob and I gabbing. Now Andy and I are bullshitting the crisis center in Northampton.

Tom carved an elephant drawing of mine into wood and it really looks great. He mentioned a couple of ideas, too. One of them was to get an unfinished wooden jewelry box and carve my drawings into that. The other was to get unfinished cabinets in our next house and carve them into there. Cool. That’s the first time I ever heard him mention a new house.

Earlier he said he still feels our goals are inevitable, but this isn’t what he said a while back.

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 27, 1995
Just finished chatting with Andy, Quinn, and Jenny.

If Tom weren’t afraid to cum, I’d wonder about the psychic a little more. I’m mid-cycle this Thursday and ironically he’s off then and will be working Saturday. At the end of the month, there’s no work, so they make it up on a Saturday after the 1st of the next month.

I did a lot of work on my story earlier and still have much more to do with it. Still, I’ve got almost 40 full-size pages done.

Alex loves to snoop and investigate and I told him about Robin. Not the “haunting” details, though, and he says he’ll see what he can do. He mentioned talking to a couple of people.

Tom gave me a logical explanation for the deal that went down with the TV last night. He said that’s happened to him before. He says the voltage to the screen and the voltage to the sound is different and that there’s a bad component with the screen cuz it’s an old piece of shit.

In the shower earlier, I remembered I did have a dream premonition within the last year. It was a minor thing, but now I can’t remember what it was about.

The birds are now coming right up to the back door.

Later…

I got my parent’s package today and I must admit I was shocked and disappointed. Every so often she goes through her place and sends me stuff she doesn’t want. She sent me a couple of liquid foundations which were too dark and I don’t use. I only use powder foundation. She sent powder which I never use. She sent a disgusting-tasting toothpaste and Suave conditioner I never use. She sent lotion that’s kind of greasy and hair gel. The hair gel is OK. It’s good for poofing out my bangs and I can’t use hairspray cuz it makes me sneeze. They sent 4 flags. Two of them were nice, and of party balloons and of a floral print. Two were ugly. A pineapple and a mug of beer with a message saying: This Bar Is Open.

I’m gonna give those two flags to Mom S to use as she pleases or to give away. She sent two catalogs too, which I’ll give her and she can show David & Evie.

There’s a new musical flag they have that I really like.

Got a postcard from Kim from Niagara Falls. The Canadian stamp was 52¢. Damn!

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 26, 1995
Now is this weird, or what? Last night I zapped a doggie mug of water for coffee for 55 seconds. It didn’t even make it lukewarm. It was still cold. The second time I did it, it was fine, though.

Now, get this. Earlier I was watching TV when I went to turn it off. The sound went off, but the picture didn’t go out. Is Robin trying to say hi, or what?

Speaking of Robin, I’ve been dumb enough to resume my search for her. Tom just won’t help me. I’m on my own.

On AOL I left a message saying I tried to find her through former camp workers, didn’t know her name, and was therefore stuck. I instantly got a reply saying it may take time due to their high volume of requests, but that they’ll direct my request to the proper people.

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 25, 1995
As I was saying about how that TV dinner threw 3 pounds on me; I have such a slow metabolism now. In the past, that never would’ve thrown 3 pounds on me; I’d have stayed the same. There were even times I pigged out and then my weight dropped a pound or 2 afterward. It seems that something like a TV dinner throws 3 pounds on me and something like a bowl of cereal throws on 2 pounds.

Shortly after we arrived at Ma’s on Saturday, Mary came over, cuz we needed her car space to haul in the shower surround. Tom and Mom went to get it and Mary and I stayed at the house.

Tom’s family really is cool and lots of wonderful things really have happened to me over the last few years, as Tom and Mary pointed out to me and Mary said I got 80 more relatives since being out here. Then Mary was telling me how she used to think her family was too normal until she got to know Dave’s family. I told her that her family and mine are like the difference between night and day and that I understood perfectly well. We discussed how this kind of thing makes us not take a lot of things for granted and she also said something about my past troubles making me stronger.

Tom said he saw something about home classes for computer stuff for him and private investigating for me and that he might check into it. Yeah, but is this just another thing he says he’ll do, or will he really? He says, though, I don’t need a car and a gun to do this and that there are different kinds of investigators, and that I can choose my own cases. This sounds interesting.

I just hope that Mary will keep my secret. I told her that Tom feels the opposite of how I do, so that’s why he may not be too pleased with my discussing our struggles to conceive with her.

Tom was right about hearing stereo base way more often at Ma’s place. I must’ve heard it 10 times while I was there. It’s soooo obnoxious.

Ma had some carrots someone gave her that she gave us for Piggy and Bunny, but we forgot them. He’s over there now, so hopefully, he’ll take it home with him. He’ll also be getting groceries, checking into making the mugs up, and something to deodorize their cage here, cuz it stinks like hell with that rabbit.

Later…

I left Andy a message. I have no idea what he’s been up to these days. I told him we could probably chat tomorrow before he goes to work. I asked him if he ditched the message from that line or if he’s been listening to them and calling them at all. I told him I’ve been helping Lisa out and that we worked at Ma’s house yesterday, so I’ve been a bit busy.

I have to get working on his journal.

I started a letter to my parents, but that probably won’t go out till after the New Year or right before. I wish these stamps would hurry up and arrive. We need to get the bills out and I’ve got letters ready to go to Kim, Lisa, Becky and Sarah. After the holidays, it’ll be time to send a letter off to Larry. I wonder why I haven’t heard from him. Is he that busy? I guess so. This is what they always tell me. He’ll probably call me on my birthday.

I wonder what my parents will be sending for my birthday and to us for Chanukah and Christmas? My guess is that they’ll send money for my birthday and a package of stuff for us for Chanukah and Christmas. That seems to be how they usually do it.

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 24, 1995
I wish I knew what the fuck was up. Yesterday I awoke at 100 pounds. By the end of the day I was 104, but I’ve hardly eaten! Like I said, my body’s acting like it did in the Navane days. Why? The only thing I can think of is that it’s got something to do with offing the Theo and upping the inhalers.

Yesterday turned out to be pretty good. Tom was fine and enjoyed his visit. He, his parents, and Mary were playing cards in the end.

Not only was Evie thrilled to get my letter and loved the drawings, but she said it came at the perfect timing since she just put her cat to sleep who was over 20 years old.

Tom and I were discussing ideas for Christmas presents for his family. One of them was an idea we had a long time ago to carve my drawings into wood. Another is to have me make a miniature lampshade and then he can find something to use for the body, and run a cord through it with a small battery. He has small light bulbs.

Tom’s in the bathroom now, then he’ll be putting hydrocortisone in my ear.

I’m shocked that he says KD Lang has an ugly voice. Just as shocked as I was when he told me I don’t sing properly.

I don’t? I know I’ve got some problems, but I’ve had some training and he said he could tell that. He says I could work on it. Well, I do, but I think he’s just saying this cuz I gave up on it due to not trusting him. Now he can’t make false promises about it since I refuse to do any work on it.

Last night after Tom went to bed, Andy called and treated me to Denny’s where I got a nice clear mug for my collection.

One suggestion he gave for his birthday in February was a toaster.

I told him about the doggie mugs in Old America and how I want to check Michelle’s book out that she has at the library. It’s a book interpreting dreams. I may not buy some of it, but I think it’d be neat to check out.

It was weird to us how this Denny’s was laid out just like the one in Chicopee was. The same as the one Tom and I went to around here.

Afterward, he came over here and was cracking up over Bob’s letters and misspellings. Especially over the table and chair thing and how he said, “It’s 1 AM. Would you like your massarge now?”

So, I gave him the letters I’ve copied so far, some envelopes and he taped some of his phone messages. I showed him some drawings, too.

Tom’s been really teasing with sex lately. Luckily my sparks for him are lower, otherwise it’d probably drive me crazy as well as hurt my feelings. Yesterday he wanted to do “something different.” All cuz I brought it up, of course, and to try to cover up how sex is for me only. He pointed out how he sometimes just goes down on me and takes care of me, so I did him with my hand before bed and when he got up. Of course, it was all just to get excited. Cumming in my hand is just as much of a no-no cuz that’d show all the more of how he’s anti-kid. I said he could take care of himself in the shower and he said that didn’t appeal to him. Well, no red-blooded human can stay built up so much, so I hope he has an awful lot of wet dreams. The only resource of relief he’ll admit to.

This is the 10th time I’ve jabbed myself with ink!

Robin must be back. I went to zap some water for coffee for a minute and it was still cold. After the second time, it was fine, though.

What in the hell are the people across the street having an outdoor party for at this hour? What is it with people and their front yards out here? All they use their backyards for out here is to store their dogs. I can hardly hear them, but I thought I heard a little boy, then an adult yell, “Hey!” I think it’s the house between the music people and Mr. Piggy.

I’m pretty sure the mother still lives in the music house and it seems more so that she and her son have no contact at all. Well, if they mend their ways or if he comes home, I hope it isn’t before we move.

Tom said despite his having a problem, his opinion is that we’re not going to a doctor. in ‘97. Oh, so after more than two years of this, he’ll be cured on his own one day before April of ‘97? His problem isn’t not being able to cum, it’s not admitting to not wanting a kid.

He makes it hard for me cuz everything always has to be just perfect and I’ve always got to really watch what I say. He tells me not to talk about it to not put pressure on him so he can relax and have more opportunities to work on it (he never had the opportunity), but his weird ways put pressure on me.

Earlier I asked if he’d spoil me. He said yes. Then I said I wondered what we were gonna do and he reminded me how he doesn’t like to plan it. Can’t I ever, though?

Then I said to myself, I know him. He’s gonna punish me by crying too tired. I beat him to it, though, by asking for a rain check, cuz I’ve got a lot of work I want to do and aren’t too horny at this time. Sure enough, he said that was fine cuz he was beat. I’m sure he is, though. He’s been up since 5:30 and he went to bed at 9:00. He waits, though, till he knows he’s gonna be too tired and goes and does computer work first.

No opportunity my ass.

But you see, if I bring up this to him or other things he does, he’ll do it more. It’s the opposite if I ask him not to leave the sink water dripping. Then he will keep leaving it dripping.

Here’s another thing that could happen with the doctor we’ll need if I can get him there. I don’t know if the doctor would do some procedure for us or just talk to us, but if he were to talk to us, that could be an advantage to Tom. Meaning, the advice the doctor gives us could take “time.” Lots of it.

I have other things to do now, so bye for now.

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 23, 1995
I’m so pissed at Andy. We made plans for him to come over and he knows I don’t always get to the phone right away. Only 10-15 minutes after I returned his call about coming over, he made plans to go see Quinn so he could try for the millionth time to get him to have sex with him which he won’t. This brought a slew of memories of people’s false promises. Why do people have to promise shit they have no intention of doing? I sort of fibbed to Tom earlier, figuring he’s been wondering about this. Well, there’s no way I could get up the nerve and guts to tell Andy, Tammy or anyone I know the truth. They know I’m probably sterile, but I’ve never told them how Tom lied about a kid and says he wants one but is full of shit. They only know the problem is me which I’m sure is true. I told Tom that Andy put me on the spot by asking when we were gonna have a kid. I said I was silent, then he said, “You’re sterile, aren’t you?” I said I was silent again and that I was sure my silence spoke a thousand words and then I changed the subject.

The little bastard then laughed. He actually fucking laughed! It was just oh so funny to him. He’s lucky I love him like I do, or else I’d probably do to him what I would have loved to have done to Scott if the chicken shit didn’t run and hide. It takes a hell of a mean, insensitive, selfish fucking asshole to have laughed as he had the nerve to do.

Later…

I’m surprised Tom’s not home yet. He was gone at 2:00 when I got up and I thought he’d be back around 4:00. Maybe he’s doing it to be tired for sex. Yesterday he slept 9-10 hours, but wouldn’t touch me.

Speaking of sex - for the first time, something’s happening that I always wished would. I do not desire to have sex with him as much. Can you blame me, though? Who wouldn’t feel this way with someone who won’t fully respond to you? Plus, I may be used to false promises and accept he’ll never change, but he’s really hurt me. After I have sex with him (not oral) I accept the expected, but I still feel a surge of anger and hurt. Like the woman said, “As long as I give in to making him happy, I’ll never have a child.”

I still love him, though, and I would rather be with him with no child than without him. I guess it’s gonna take him seeing and understanding how I feel or a similar experience happening to him to get him out of denial and into the truth.

The other side of it is God who controls things like this. I don’t believe that saying rings true for everyone about him not giving people more than they can handle, but maybe for me, it’s very true. Look at my schedule problem. That and a baby could never mix without killing me. He and I know this. I feel really bad, though. I really wanted to go to their house today, but it’s out of my control. I just can’t fix or control my sleep/schedule problem.

Later…

Yes! I’m 100 pounds. I oughta be since I shit 3 times today. Will it last? Of course not. Within 2 days I’ll be back hanging out at a steady 104.

What in the hell is Tom doing over there for the 6½ hours I know he’s been gone? Definitely avoiding me, I’d say. My guess is they’re probably discussing Dad’s cancer, ways to help him and fixing things around the house. Maybe he’s discussing how broke we are hoping for a loan, but I doubt it. He’d probably feel it was bad timing due to Dad’s illness and I think that’d hurt his ego.

I realized I left Bob’s letter to Kim out which he could’ve seen. But would that bother him? I doubt it. This letter isn’t to me and what’s the difference between reading someone’s fantasies about another, versus seeing people screw on our porn video we got?

Later…

I just ate a TV dinner, seeing how I only ate 2 granola bars since I got up.

Andy called me from work and I told him to call me at 10:30 to see about coming over at around 11:00. He said if he doesn’t hear from his family by Sunday, he’s gonna write those letters. The ones giving them a piece of his mind. He asked me if I got over last night.

Yeah, I’m used to it. He said he really needed to get drunk to relieve his stress. Something he seldom does. No, he didn’t make it with Quinn. He said he didn’t really try.

I guess for now I’ll just sit and bitch and analyze life.

If I were to do a survey asking people, “What reason would you suspect to be the cause for if a guy could get hard enough to screw, but never came?” The answer from 95% of them would be fear of making a baby. Right now his excuses are money, his Dad, my teeth, and the bat mitzvah, along with several other reasons. After we deal with all this, a whole new set of excuses will be present. There’ll be something we have to do here or for someone else.

He said to me the other day he didn’t see why a 29-year-old didn’t have time. I do and if that’s the issue and if he wants to wait, why not say so?

There’s no way in hell I could ever make a move with the singing or any other big things. I don’t trust him. He’ll only let me down.

If he isn’t home between 9:30-10:00, I’m gonna be getting worried. Is he really trying to avoid me? If so, why? He hasn’t even called, so I guess they really are busy.

Later…

There are only two other reasons I can think of that may piss him off and make him want to stay longer, but I doubt it. At the end of Evie’s letter, I wrote, “You are very blessed to be able to have a child.” This is true, though, and I doubt she’d bring it up and put him on the spot not knowing he’s the reason why there’s no kid if all’s OK with me.

Since I let my folks know we can’t have a child, they seem yet even friendlier. I’m not surprised.

I doubt the second reason, cuz I really think he gets off on this, but maybe he read something in my journal that I wrote about him that he didn’t like.

I feel so bad about not being able to go, even though Tom said not to worry and that I can see them plenty of other times. I feel so alone right now. Somewhat punished, too. I tried to cry cuz that helps me to feel better, but the tears just wouldn’t come.

Still, I wish I were one of those who could feel God around me in a good way. The only way I believe that I could feel him would be to pray for something I know he’d grant. Like if I prayed for him to please keep me childless and on the cigarettes.

Something I just realized made me think he may really be avoiding me. He has to be up at 4:30 tomorrow, so, it’s getting late.

I think I just heard the garage door.

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 21, 1995
One of these days I’ll send a surprise letter to Mom and Dad S. with drawings on the envelope.

Our weather’s been wonderful. In the mid-80s. It’s usually in the lower 70s at this time of year.

It sure is taking next door a while to prep for painting if that’s what they’re gonna do. I can’t tell. I hardly heard a peep from them. No hammering at all.

check
Someone’s been calling but hanging up on the VM, so I called my parents. Ma said she’d leave a message if she needed to get ahold of us. They were on their way out to play bingo. Something we oughta do. They say they win every third time and play with about 150 people. They’ve won anywhere from $50 to $200.

They also say hi to Tom, and Ma hasn’t smoked for two mos.

Ma said for Dad to tell me how he screwed up. He forgot to wrap my birthday present in birthday paper and it’s just coming in a plain box.

So, that’s OK.

All I could get out of Dad about it was that it was a few things and something they knew I’d like. I can’t picture them sending journals ever again or for a long time, so I’d guess it’s gonna be along the lines of hair stuff, jewelry or clothes.

I wonder why it is that I haven’t gotten a call from the GYN yet.

Tom’s working overtime, he called to say, and probably won’t be home till 6:30 or 7:30. We need the money, but this is also probably his way of avoiding sex like he has been to pay me back for all I said on Sunday. I picked the best time to say it since my desire’s low cuz I just finished my period.

He wouldn’t go for giving me the kid if I quit, so if I quit it’d be for reasons I already discussed. Better health and money saved.

Speaking of periods, I’m having a weird vibe. I know I’ll be getting all my periods, so why can’t I see December’s period? I’m sure I will as I approach it.

I’m halfway towards my goal of about 100 pictures to sell. I’ve got 45 we picked out.

Later…

Tom got home at 7:00 and as I figured he didn’t touch me. He was affectionate, though. He gave me a back rub and I massaged his sore feet.

We’ve decided to put off the tag sale for another week. Good. That way all I have to worry about is being awake enough for turkey day and by next week my schedule will be so I can help with the tag sale.

I fried up about 25 pieces of chicken and ate about 8. The rest I can munch on for the next couple of days.

Gonna go copy more letters now.

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 20, 1995
I got up at noon. Being awake for Thanksgiving at Mom and Dad’s house is gonna be really hard. I don’t want to let them down, though, so I’ll be there. Then two days after that we’ll be hitting tag sales.

Let me get that visit over with once and for all. We spent two hours over there and boy do I feel bad for them. A huge Mexican family moved in behind them and all you can hear is kids crying and screaming and loud obnoxious neighbors. Tom and Dad talked while Mom and I talked. Tom worked on one of their cars while Mom and I chatted about odds and ends. She gave me some stickers I’ll use for entry dates. We showed them our paintings and they liked best the one I like best, too.

Tom put up a swing for them that’s just like ours, but more warped. They also have a regular swing that seats one person.

Ma also said she wants me to paint her something, by the way. She said, “Oh, you named them.” Then I realized I wrote: Mystery on them and explained how that was my nickname associated with dancing.

After we came home, we barbecued some hamburgers.

Evie should get her letter tomorrow. I drew flowers and birds on her envelope.

We moved the other 80-gallon water tank out of the little room which we’ll be moving the dryer into.

I can’t believe I forgot to send Bill a birthday card, but oh well. Next year (I hope).

OK, now for a really freaky experience I had. I can’t remember which is which, but I’ve either never had a dream premonition or it’s been a very long time. Anyway, about a week ago I dreamt I weighed myself on a scale with a dial. Instead of a line being on your weight, a beam of light would form the line on what you weigh. It said 106 which I haven’t been at in nearly 8 years. When I awoke, I had a feeling that it wasn’t just a dream. It was a warning. Sure enough, about 3 days ago I weighed 106 on our scale.

Later…

Bob still hasn’t responded to the so-called phone call I got. Yup, definitely embarrassed, but I’ll keep bugging him and say I got another call.

Now here’s what really pisses me off. They’re supposedly sending back the puzzles and story. Fuck these assholes! From now on I refuse to send him anything other than letters. That’s about 6 stamps the assholes have wasted.

He sent me an article in the paper on how they moved 300 inmates to Texas in the middle of the night. Texas supposedly has more jail space, but Tom says that’s cuz in Texas they kill them. I don’t sense Bob being moved to Texas and Tom says he doubts it. He thinks they’ll choose the more dangerous inmates. Bob’s harmless, of course.

Tom sold $40 of old computer stuff earlier this evening so that’s good. It probably won’t be till June, though, before we can really relax about money.

If I personally knew an authentic psychic who said Tom would cum, I’d say in June was when he’d consider it.

He went down on me before going to bed last night. I had to go back into the room for something I forgot. Sure enough, he was jerking it saying his balls itched. He never made any attempts to pull his hands out where I could see them, either, probably rubbing the idea into me. Especially since I brought it up. I just heard the bed hit the wall a few times, so he’s probably jerking off right now. He went into bed about 10 minutes ago.

Next door was at work for many hours today. I didn’t hear much hammering. Tom saw them upon arriving home from work and says they look like painters. They must be prepping the house for painting and are probably gonna replace that old gate. Tom says it costs about $800 to get a house that size painted. Yup, Tweak Daddy has got bucks. He better for a family of what’s probably 9 by now. If it’s taken them 3 days to prep, I wonder how many days it’ll take them to paint. These guys seem like young goof-off types.

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 19, 1995
They’re back next door doing who the hell knows what. Tom said he’ll try to see what they’re doing when he goes grocery shopping. He says he thinks they’re probably just doing repairs.

Got a few things to mention before I get into yesterday.

I don’t expect to hear Tom nagging me to quit smoking again. I really believe he’d rather me smoke than have a kid. He’s not looking forward to me saying something like - I should get a kid for this if I could and did quit smoking. I know better, though, believe me.

I tried telling him yesterday how sex (not oral) was hard for me due to my feeling like a freak about it. He was basically like, we’re not going to see a doctor in ‘97 if we’re not screwing, but that’s up to me. Then he’s saying I’m only concerned about my feelings.

Well, don’t I have a right to be concerned about my own feelings every now and then?

I realized another possibility last night, too. Perhaps right before April of ‘97, he’ll cum occasionally. Meaning, not enough to go to a doctor, but not enough to get me pregnant. Especially if he made sure he came at the wrong time of the month. Would he take that chance? I can see him risking cumming once; that’s how against a kid he is.

Tweak Daddy is still hammering.

Later…

I went to help mow the lawn, but anyway, I guess tweak Daddy’s gone now. I thought knowing him, he’d work till 2:00 in the morning.

No chance of me getting sex tonight, but what I did was worth it and sort of funny. Even he laughed at some of it. He said he’d rather anything than for me to smoke. Yeah, I believe that, but almost. I think if he had to choose between being castrated or having a kid, he’d take the castration. He’d take anything over a kid. Probably even sleeping with a guy, to know there’ll never be a kid would be worth it, too. Well, he never did come out and promise me a child if I quit and I can’t make him do something he refuses to do. I started to say to him why should I be the only one giving what the other wants by quitting? So, finally, I decided that if I quit it can only ever be just for better health and saving money. I told him I’ve tried to quit on my own for 17 years and that hasn’t worked. The only way is for him to take them and not give me any if I ask for one and this is what we’re doing.

After I listen to music, I’ll write about a dream that came true and our visit to his parents.

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 17, 1995
A couple of guys are working next door doing who the hell knows what. Oh, I hope to hell they’re putting up a garage. I’d love it if they did that cuz it would reduce some noise. However, I think they only have a pick-up truck. Nothing that would hold all the lumber for a garage and how the hell could they afford it? I saw a guy hammering out back right where the roof and wall of the house meet, so who knows what the hell he’s doing. I don’t think they can afford a nicer patio or to add on any more rooms any more than I think they can afford the garage I wish they’d put up.

I hope I get all those Bob letters from Kim today. She mailed them 1st class and said I should get them today or tomorrow.

I wonder when Bob will take a breather from all his fantasies and write to me.

Later…

The people working next door scared the pigeons out of getting a little bit of birdseed I put out and a piece of bread. Wait till there’s a dog again next door. Then I wonder what they’ll do then? They wait for their food usually on the electrical line over their backyard cuz it’s the fattest line that they can stand on easier. I guess they’ll just have to wait on ours once there’s a dog over there.

I really wish they’d put up a garage, though. It’d reduce noise and give us more privacy.

Dr. Nielsen said my ear was looking great and I don’t have to go back till May 30th.

I drew a confession out of Tom the other night, but it was only half true. He admitted to not cumming cuz his mind was on our financial problems but said he still wasn’t worried about my getting pregnant cuz we’ll be better off financially in a couple of months or so.

Yeah, right!

He confirmed why I feel he’s afraid to admit he doesn’t want a kid.

I told him if he told me he didn’t want in on any of our goals, fine, cuz you can’t force people to do whatever. I promised no argument and he said I’d still argue. His tone said, “You’d argue and this is why I don’t want to tell you the truth. I don’t want to deal with your reaction. Besides, I do have fun teasing you and leading you on about sex and a kid.”

This shocks the shit out of me cuz I didn’t think he’d have the time or be interested, but I think he may have read in Journal 100 how I lied about being mid-cycle 2 days earlier than I really was. I knew there’d be no way he’d dare screw me on the 14th day of the cycle, no matter how crazy the odds of pregnancy were. And for him to screw me on that day for the first time since we’ve been together after I typed that seems more than a coincidence to me. I really got my period yesterday and bitched at how I was early. In truth, I was. This was later at night, closer to the 17th. He thought (supposedly) I was due on the 17th, but I was really due on the 19th.

I just realized that I had what I just said backward, so maybe he didn’t read it and I always was very doubtful he’d ever read my journals. The only thing I’m getting more and more sure of with each passing month is how against a kid he is. Therefore, I really hope to hell I need a hysterectomy so I don’t have to deal with periods for 25 more years.

Wait a minute! I was right the first time and he did read it. Of course he’s gonna go along with what I told him was when I was due for my period as a cover. No wonder he screwed on that day. To give himself more of a cover of how anti-kid he is. Well, from now on I’ll just tell the truth cuz truth or lie this guy will never allow me to have a child. Never.

Later…

They’re still working over there blasting heavy metal music on a radio, so just to piss them off I’ve got my stereo blaring now. Wouldn’t it have been a real trip for them if I had blared the edits? They’ve been over there for 4 hours. I really wonder what the hell they’re doing.

I decided I’d be nice and let them have their music to work with. Besides, they’re now listening to KHITS. I guess whatever it is they’re doing is a one-day job since it’s Friday. Unless they’ll be returning next week. After having the luck of having that place empty for 2½ months, God will really compensate me with heavy metal blasters as well as kids and dogs.

Here’s the mail.

Later…

As soon as he stuck it in the slot, I felt a vibe saying - nope. Nothing today. All I got was my Word Seek puzzle book, but he sure got a lot of mail.

I just saw them haul their old wooden gate out back to where they moved their truck. That gate had been in between the carport and their house. Then why were they working near the roof at an odd angle? Maybe they could afford a garage if they could afford that EC. They’ve got to have bucks to be able to afford such a big family. It’s how they get their money that made me wonder about them. His odd hours, their home-teaching the kids, the wife and kids never leaving except for church and that month in ‘94 when they went to Idaho.

Oh, how I wish I could say an old person or two with little company would be moving in there who had no dog and who hardly ever left (meaning they didn’t constantly come and go) would move in there, but no way! I can picture this huge family moving in and they immediately throw their dog(s) out back to stay and while the adults are moving in, their kids are happily playing basketball.

I wish my in-laws would move in there. They do have a lot of company but all adults who go right inside. The only kid they have over really is Nickolena and she’s never outside.

Later…

Kim said it only cost her $1.44 to mail those 70 pages to me. I’m surprised. I thought it’d cost a few dollars.

Too bad I didn’t get it today. Today would have been the perfect day to read all that shit and I’ve got nothing better to do. All I’m doing is waiting till the sheets and towels I’ve got out on the line dry.

I got curious so I called information in Springfield and asked for Nervous. He has his old phone number. The one he had on Pearl St. that he took with him to Avalon Place (not Avon Place as I was told by information over a year ago). When I called the number it said that number wasn’t connected yet. He’s just like Fran. He loses his phone on and off. He must have just lost it or is about to get it back since Info has it. Right after he moved he either lost it or got it in her name which I don’t know with a new number. I thought they did get it in her name, but now I think he lost it. Was he without a phone all this time - I don’t know. Are they even still together?

Perhaps I’ll send some of those Bob letters.

Later…

All they did next door was remove the gate from what I can see. They were here from 9 AM - 1 PM and they never replaced it with anything, so I hope to hell someone will return to put up a garage. It doesn’t take 4 hours to remove that gate, so who the hell knows? Tom’s home now, so I’ll ask him. Later I’ll write more.

Later…

Tom’s reading through papers right now to see where the best place is to put an ad for old computer stuff of his.

I asked him what he thought about next door. He said it sounded like they were doing repairs, but wasn’t sure about a garage. Possibly, he said.

Tomorrow we’ll be going to his parents’ house to visit. We’ll also be there for Thanksgiving. A couple of days after Thanksgiving is when we’ll probably have the tag sale.

I’ve got to get back to work on my story which I haven’t really worked on in a week. There’s no hurry, though. I’ve also got 5 letters I’ll do before Monday. To my parents, Tammy, Larry, Bob and Kim.

Tammy called last night with some not-too-cool news. Bill’s cancer has moved to his lymph node system. Before it was only in his blood. That sucks cuz this means there’s no hope anymore of remission. Tammy says all they can do is wait for Yale-New Haven to run tests. Get this - Bill’s cousin had, or has, colon cancer and his aunt just died of cancer. That’s pretty scary.

Tammy told Tom he’s lucky he’s not a G, but will we always be lucky? We’re the types of people to whom God loves to give cancer.

Later…

There’s something Tom’s told me many months ago that I’d like to mention, before mentioning what we just talked about.

Here’s another reason why he won’t fess up about being anti-kid. Several months back I asked him if I should work on the things I wanted one at a time. He said no and that the only way he can motivate me is to have me try for everything at once.

Oh, I get it. So it’s - don’t tell Jodi I don’t want a kid so she won’t feel like giving up on everything.

A little while ago I got an idea that may really help me to quit smoking and stay that way unlike ever before.

I told Tom, though, that I was almost afraid to tell him cuz I’d need to know he’d keep his promise and do his part, but was afraid he wouldn’t like the deal. The deal was if I went 90 days with no cigarettes for him to give me a child cuz quitting smoking is a big thing, therefore I thought getting a big thing would help. Our other idea was for me to buy whatever I wanted with the money saved that used to be spent on cigarettes, but I want the kid more than money. Tom’s deal starts off with his usual BS, but I’ve always wanted one regardless.

Then he said, “But if you break down and smoke, you’ll just say I wasn’t gonna give you one anyway and I don’t want to be a part of that. Just quit smoking and we’ll see.”

I knew it. I just fucking knew it. I could go 90 years without smoking and the guy will still never give me a child. Never. If I ever do quit it won’t be for that. Plus, why should I need any rewards to motivate me? Isn’t better health and more money enough?

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 15, 1995
I took a few pictures of about 5 pigeons bathing in the pool earlier.

I woke up after Tom did this morning to find him in a wonderful mood. Then later it hit me - of course he’s in a grand mood. He happily lost our bet. Just like he wanted to and set out to.

We screwed this morning, but neither of us came. I didn’t cuz I had cum 4 times yesterday and still wasn’t awake enough. And of course, he didn’t cuz he doesn’t want to.

Did I also mention that Tom said he was 99% sure that my not mentioning sex or a kid would help him and that’s all he’s ever wanted? He only wants that cuz he doesn’t want to cum with anyone other than his own self and cuz talk of a kid is a turn-off to him.

“I’ve got no doubt in my mind I’ll win this bet,” he said both times. Yeah, right.

Last night we were talking about my needing to see a GYN. It’s true that I’ve been sent to one twice and all was fine. A doctor in Deerfield sent me to one saying I had warts and I didn’t. Dr. Wilcox over on Bell Rd. when I was on disability sent me to one, but I was fine. This is different, though. God’s got more reasons to be upset with me now. I may not want a kid as much, but I still do some and this is why I wouldn’t be surprised if God fucked with my female parts. All for wanting and praying for something not meant to be that he obviously considers a sin for me and incorrect. I hope to hell I’m wrong, though, and that all really is fine. I know the DES is a factor in this and that even non-DES women are naturally like me. Dr. Rugg said she sees it all the time.

Anyway, Tom’s said we’re paying for our insurance, so we may as well use these doctors. I wonder if he’ll feel that way in April of ‘97. Will I? Especially what with knowing a kid isn’t what he wants? I say it’s not fair to do this to him, but is what he’s doing to me fair?

He’s taking advantage of this 60-day thing to be a game. A game to lead me on. He’ll never change.

My husband says he wants a kid and that we should use these doctors, does not have a “plan,” but does not want to use them till 4/1997. Sure, he has a plan. First, he’ll probably hope to hell I come out and say I don’t want one to cover his true feelings, but eventually, he’ll confess cuz I ain’t giving him what he wants. Even if I really were to become totally against it, and I might, I won’t say anything cuz I ain’t giving him the satisfaction or a way out of confessing. I want to hear the truth from him and I hope it’ll be soon and not when I’m 80. He can’t keep making excuses or hiding from the truth forever. This is all gonna catch up to him and get him in the end.

After I run out of cigarettes, I want to try to quit again.

Later…

Wearing a bra has really helped to make my tits less sore.

Since I’m usually getting my periods early, with my luck I’ll get it at Dr. Nielsen’s office tomorrow.

As I knew, still no letter from Dr. Rugg, so the GYN will be calling me before the week’s out, no doubt.

God, I’m sorry my desires were not as you’d approve of, but please let me be OK. Leave me alone and I shall very happily leave you alone.

It’s nice to know, though, that I’m in a fine mood, even though my life is at a standstill; I can’t be a professional singer, have a kid or quit smoking.

I had a dream last night that I weighed myself as 106. Now I definitely see that dream as a warning.

A few nights ago, I had a dream that Nana - at least I think it was Nana - was telling me to pick new dreams/goals. As if to confirm to me that I was right about the singing and the kid not being meant to be.

Tom’s home now, so I’ll write more later.

Later…

Yesterday Andy gave me the 800# to the Sheridan Hotel in Springfield (the one downtown where he was working when we met). We were gonna call together to see what they said about their weather since AOL isn’t any more accurate about it than Prodigy was. They put us on hold forever, but Andy had to book it out to work. So, I called back on my own and Adam answered. The gay guy who’s his friend that I’ve also met who’s moving to San Diego. I didn’t say who I was, but in the end, my laugh might’ve been a dead giveaway. Plus, I mentioned being from Phoenix. Anyway, he told me they got snow which turned to freezing rain and how it was to be pretty blustery that night. He said it was really cold and when I asked if he needed a coat, he said, “Oh, yeah!” Meanwhile, it was a beautiful 82º here today.

Tom’s said that some people believe that birds have telepathy, cuz when they’re flying in flocks, they all seem to change directions at the same instant. Perhaps they are psychic cuz sometimes when I go out back there isn’t any lurking around, but barely after a minute after I get out there, they show up. Several do. I got a few pictures of them in the pool. Not in it, but on the wall dividing the pool and spa.

Kim called earlier and read me part of a letter she’s sending Bob about her sexual fantasy to him. She’s a pretty good and creative writer. She’s sending me about 70 pages of stuff she got from Bob with all his fantasies. She says they’re getting funnier and funnier. She said at one point in his letter he had to stop a few times to cum. I believe that. Bet his cellmate got a kick out of it.

This is why I haven’t heard from him. He’s been so busy writing to her since she “opened up” to him.

She said a phone psychic told her friend that her 16-year-old sister was pregnant and she was late for her period. Of course she’s pregnant. She’s 16. She too, though, believes in psychics but believes that the 900# ones are quacks. She’s called several and says the first one was pretty good, but the rest was bullshit. The first one I ever spoke to was half accurate and the rest were 99.9% bullshit. Of course, this last one was 100% bullshit.

I’m so glad that Tom’s so easy. Never hangs all over me. Never asks me to take care of him. It’s totally one-sided sex. Just the opposite of Brenda and Kacey. I’m sure that the number of guys like Tom could be counted on one hand. I really lucked out.

There’s always been a part of me wanting a hysterectomy and I’m hoping more that I’ll need one. I hate PMS and periods! It seems so logical that God would see it as so correct for me. God should definitely grant me that, but cuz there’s a part of me that wants it, I don’t know.

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 14, 1995
Tom just got up and I’m just kicking back for now. He didn’t sleep well last night cuz he’s really worried about his Dad. I think that on top of the trip in May, money and the several other things I’ve mentioned, his Dad is his biggest reason for not wanting a kid.

I’m outside right now and it’s already getting fairly warm. It also feels humid for some strange reason, yet there isn’t a cloud in the sky.

I just gave the birds an early lunch. They’re getting braver. They’re letting me get closer and closer.

I think today I’ll work on my story.

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 13, 1995
I’ve got the radio tuned into KHITS right now, hoping they finally play my request. I called and let the DJ know how my requests were never played and hopefully, he’ll play them this time.

I just spoke to my Mom and she said to let her know what David and Evie like as far as flag designs.

I believe I’ll get mail from Kim and Bob today. I hope Bob tells me he got that manila envelope. He hasn’t yet said anything about the “mysterious phone call” I said I got. I know he got the letter, so if he continues not to say anything about it, then I’ll know he’s just too embarrassed to bring it up. Just like with the secret admirer letter I sent Kim to send to him.

Yesterday Tom installed the water tank and this morning I vacuumed and mopped the kitchen floor which had gotten quite filthy.

Tom and I made a deal, even though I know it’ll do no good. Seeing is gonna be my only ticket to believing when it comes to sex and the kid.

He also explained something to me that makes sense but also doesn’t make sense at the same time. Well, yesterday I commented, “Shit. We can’t have fun in the morning till the weekend.”

This is what I really thought cuz I know he has things he likes to do in the mornings.

So, then he says, “Don’t say that cuz then it’ll stick in my brain and end up that way.”

So he was telling me how it wasn’t easy for him to get over things he hears and I asked, “So, you mean cuz I said you couldn’t cum, that’s why you can’t.” He said that was part of it, but yet he’s always told me it wasn’t my problem and not my fault. Also, I know better and I know he’s always been able and always will be his choice to cum or not.

So I said, “If I don’t mention anything about cumming or having a kid for 60 days, will that help you?” He said he was 99% sure it would, but couldn’t guarantee anything in this life.

Well, I’ll keep my mouth shut for 60 days, but I still know better on that one, too.

Yeah! He’s playing my request. Finally!

Later…

I’m gonna try to stay up till the mail comes. I wonder if I’ll be getting those Little House videos at all. I hope they come soon if I’m to get them at all.

I forgot to mention something else as far as Tom’s concerned when he says that if I say certain things it sticks in his brain. Then why doesn’t it stick in his brain when I ask him not to leave the bathroom sink water dripping? It seems the more I ask him a favor, no matter how nicely, the less he’s willing to do it.

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 12, 1995
I got Journal 100 put together and it really looks great. I had said that the dog journal from my parents would be next, but I decided to get this one done first.

I just got done talking to Andy and before that, I drew a clump of prickly pear cactuses out in the living room under the mailbox.

Now I’m gonna go finish decorating envelopes.

Later…

It’s been fine, but tonight it’s fucking freezing!

Yesterday Tom met David where they got the new water tank and they brought it over here. I showed him some wall art as well as some envelopes I decorated. He really liked Mom and Dad’s flag and I’m gonna let them know that he and Evie would like to check out one of their catalogs.

Speaking of Evie, David said she’s really into letter-writing, so I’m gonna send her a quick letter and will probably do a drawing or two on her envelope.

David said there’s this store in Glendale and all they sell is beads. That oughta be cool to check out one of these days.

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 11, 1995
I knew it. I knew my gut feeling, 6th sense, woman’s intuition, or whatever the hell you want to call it was right on. Dr. Rugg said my cervix was still inflamed and the culture was bloody still. She said that if they can’t get a reading, which I know they won’t, a GYN is gonna call me to set up an appointment to look at my cervix through I microscope. At this point, I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if I did need a hysterectomy or had cancer. Why not? This would be the perfect time for one. Especially since God obviously thinks my desire for a child is sinful and this is how he’s punishing me for wanting something I’m not supposed to ever have.

I had refused to talk all day, but Tom kept insisting I should talk, so finally I let him have it. He should be thrilled if I do have to have a hysterectomy. I suppose a part of me would be thrilled, too. After all, I’d be giving up those periods I hate so much.

I just feel so fucking punished! I said that there’s always a problem when I have sex. Well, never have I had sex with anyone as much as I have with Tom, so of course this is why I’m having problems like I never have before.

Speaking of sex, I quit doing the sex chart. It just got so old and boring. Also for next year’s period chart, in which I’m sure to get all of them unless they do take my insides out, I’m just gonna mark the day that I get it.

I’m on a mission now. I gave that 70s station a break for a while to get established. Now, though, it’s time to get to know the DJs and I have a way with DJs as I do with animals. Then, continue taping my collection of oldies. I’ve been trying to call them to make a request and the damn phone’s been ringing and ringing.

I hear a guy talking in the background. I noticed that when I spoke to Andy earlier. I guess we’ve got a crossed line, but at least it’s nothing like when I was crossed with that lady at Crystal Creek. I couldn’t even make a phone call if she were on the line.

I finally got through to the DJ and he said he has both of the songs I wanted to know if they had. Yup, they’ve been building up. He’s gonna try to take care of them both. I hope. I still say that a lot of the time they either never play your request or play it 5 hours after you’ve made the request. See, just now he played a song I didn’t request. It’s the weekend too, so he may be backed up, but I hope not, cuz I really think there are more people into the current stuff. Way more. Like 80% of the population.

OK, now it’s time to write about the shit poor Andy’s going through before I get into Bob’s letters to Kim.

We moved the old water tank out back today. In the morning, first, we both weeded out front. Anyway, as we were moving the thing out Andy called. I told him I was tied up and couldn’t talk. He said, “Yes you can. It’s an emergency.”

Pam and John woke him up and were pounding on his door for half an hour. Luckily his door’s nice and thick so they didn’t get in. It’s a good thing he didn’t have the flimsy door that he had on Belmont Ave. when Tracy and this guy he rejected tried to get in. They were about to make it in when some butch in the building scared them off.

Another song now, but not my request. Every time I write “another song,” that means that he’s still playing something I didn’t request. I may have to call him a few times to get him to play 1 of the 2 requests I put in.

Anyway, back to Andy. He called me after he called the cops. I told him to call his office and both the office and the cops arrived at the same time. Remember how I said that they gave him a coffee table as a gift? Well, I had told him, “Look. You didn’t pay anything for it, so if returning it means getting them off your ass, I would, cuz you don’t need that shit.”

Another song.

So, they brought back stuff he gave them that he didn’t want back and gave the pigs the table to give to them and hopefully that’s it. I hope these aren’t the type of people who are gonna need their asses severely kicked in order to get them off his ass for good.

Anyway, I left him a message late yesterday afternoon and about an hour ago to see if he’s OK. I’m sure he is, though. I have no bad vibes at all.

Another song.

I slept from about 5 PM till 12:30 AM and I am still quite tired, so maybe Robin can help me to take a nap.

Tom said to wake him up between 5:00 and 6:00 for fun. Sure. I could use a good orgasm and of course, he’ll just get hard cuz he enjoys humiliating me in that way so much and is more afraid than I am to make that kid.

When I let him have it earlier, I reminded him not to remind me about getting my way. Especially since I’m being forced to give up a biggie for him. My right to have a child and that all my life I’ve had things taken, denied and been in one weird, different, strange, abnormal situation after another. Leave it to me to be the one to be with a guy like Tom.

Another song.

I also reminded him that he won the weight bet cuz he wanted to and the reason why he hasn’t won the sex bet is cuz he didn’t want to. He always wanted to lose weight much more than have a kid.

Once again, I demanded the truth, but no. The asshole still had to go and try to bullshit me all the while saying, “I understand your beliefs and your feelings, but I don’t agree with them and I’ve been telling you the truth all along.”

Yeah, right! Does he really think I’m that stupid? He tells me that I’m a smart girl, yet he still thinks I’m stupid enough to be fooled by his little game? I don’t think so!

Kim called while I was asleep, and he answered. She’ll be calling back in the morning.

Another song.

Later…

I was just going through some stuff I want to type in, but first, what the fuck is it with DJs never playing my requests?! The asshole just said that there were 3 songs coming up after the commercials and none of them are any I requested.

Anyway, Bob finally wrote something different to Kim. All his corny fantasies since she’s been playing this I-love-you-all-of-a-sudden game. There was this one part that was so funny when he said he admired her tits while asleep, then she supposedly rolled over onto her back. Now how could he admire her tits if she weren’t already on her back? He must have X-ray vision.

Another song.

Later…

I think I’ll hang up my mission to resume my music collection with KHITS, too. The asshole never played either song and they always pull this shit on me. KOOL used to do the same thing, but not as much as these people. These people always do it. KOOL just did it most of the time. How do they expect to get good ratings and keep so many listeners? The number has been busy ever since I called in my requests two hours ago.

Well, I’m gonna see if I can take that nap for a while.

Later…

I wasn’t able to fall back to sleep, but we did screw exactly the way I said we would. I believe him when he says he gets close and I always have, but I don’t believe him when he said after we were done how he was bummed that he didn’t get off.

Andy called and we talked for nearly an hour. He says that he thinks this shit with Pam and John is over. Let’s hope so.

When I asked him what he thought of me praying to Robin he said he didn’t think it was a good idea in his opinion. He said that spirits can’t help grant wishes. Only God can. Well, I explained to him why I have a hard time praying to someone that’s obviously determined to deny me something that’s supposed to be morally correct and who can let a 2-timing murderer off to go home to his kids. Andy says OJ will pay for his crimes in hell. That sounds nice and I’d like to believe that, but I don’t know this for sure. I told him that since he believes in God and since praying seems to work for him to please ask him to leave me alone. I won’t bug him anymore for the kid which he’s obviously upset with me for asking him for and to just leave me alone. There’s no need for him to go giving me female problems just cuz I asked for something that’s not meant to be. I know it’s not meant to be and I won’t bug him.

I filled him in on the situation with Dr. Rugg.

Tom’s watching TV now and at some point, we’ll be doing some more weeding and getting the new water tank in and he wants me to try to trim the sides of his hair so his hair isn’t in his face.

Later…

I was gonna write earlier, but something came up. We were gonna pull weeds, but we decided against it. The weeds out here are killers. They have thorns on them and are like nothing back east. I used to pull weeds at my parent’s house with no problems.

I’m doing laundry now and later or tomorrow I’ll be trimming Tom’s hair.

David will be calling later today about getting the new water tank. He doesn’t know if he’ll be installing it today.

I forgot to mention another funny story that Andy told me from the New Testament. He was telling me the story of Noah’s Ark. He said that the whole world, except for Noah didn’t believe in God and that pissed him off cuz God’s jealous. So he decided to wipe out the whole world except for Noah and his family. This was about 6 or 7 thousand years ago. Well, God ordered Noah to build a boat and provided him with all the measurements and tools. Meanwhile, all the people in town laughed at him saying that there wasn’t any rain and that he was a fool to believe that God could’ve ordered him to build this boat. Then God provided him with all the proper animals. Then God told Noah to seal himself and his family into the boat. Then he made it rain hard and consistently for 40 days and 40 nights and drowned the whole world except for Noah and his family. He and his family restarted the population from there. He and his family and Adam and Eve supposedly lived for 800-900 years to restart the population.

Tom and I were talking about it and he said that it goes against what the scientists say. He says it’s impossible to cover the land with just 40 days and nights of rain.

Andy said he’s never found anything in the bible that says being gay is a sin, but Tom says he’s seen it in the several Bibles that he’s got. Well, then if God really considers gays a sin, then he has to consider everyone a sin. Whether you’re gay, straight, white, black…that’s who you are, period. You can’t help that any more than you can help what foods and colors you like.

Another thing that seems funny is how people can say incest is wrong, yet Adam and Eve’s kids were fucking each other to populate the earth. Tom said he doesn’t remember ever reading anything about incest being wrong. That seems awfully weird that God could consider incest OK, but being gay wrong.

The next journal is gonna be the dog one from my parents.

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 10, 1995
It worked! I slept for 3½ hours. Thank you, Robin, if you had anything to do with it and I think you did. This just got me to see things in a whole new light. Maybe God was the wrong person to pray to. Anyway, from now on, whether I get the same results or not, I will direct my prayers to Robin. Yes, I will pray to her and not to God. I didn’t have to try very hard, either. I just got into bed and told her the situation, even though I believe she knows everything anyway in ways that even God doesn’t, then I began to get very drowsy. I wasn’t completely out yet and I told myself to pray harder, that I might not be praying hard enough and then that was it.

Right before I went out, though, she reminded me not to say anything more about sex to Tom and let the psychic have time to be right. This part of it seems so crazy but she did say this, nonetheless, and that’s that.

I wonder what would happen if I spoke to her about the singing, the smoking, sex, and stuff like that. Maybe nothing, since she already knows where I stand with all that, but I never did ask her directly for any help with it. We’ll see. I’ll give it time. I don’t want to suddenly throw all these requests at her and make her feel overwhelmed. I don’t know if spirits can feel overwhelmed, but for now, what she did by helping me to take a nap is enough and I’m very grateful.

Later…

I just left Andy a message about it. He may find it far-fetched and not totally agree with it, but at least I know I can share it with him. Just like when he started to tell me the Adam and Eve story. He said, “You’re not gonna believe this.” No, I don’t, but I still like to hear things like this and other people’s ideas and beliefs.

I forgot to mention that Tom went to see his Mom and Dad earlier. His Dad still isn’t feeling well, but that’s to be expected. We’re going to bring our paintings over to show them one of these days soon.

The plan for the next month is to get the new water tank in here, then sell the stuff we want to sell (hopefully), then get the dryer moved into here.

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 9, 1995
Someone’s philosophy on TV was that the things in life that seem the best aren’t always that way and the things that don’t seem the best sometimes are.

Oh, so does that mean that Tom’s not the best thing for me and that our never having a child which at times doesn’t seem too good really is the best thing?

I had my first encounter in a long time with Robin a while ago.

After I wrote what I last wrote, I lay in bed crying and said to God: Why is it that You must always see to it that I’m in a weird or strange situation? I just want to be normal. I’ve done my time feeling abnormal, strange, weird, different, sad, hopeless, etc. What have I taken from someone that’s so big that You’ve taken away my right to have a child? If it’s not meant to be cuz it’ll ruin Tom and I or kill me or cuz I’d be so unable to handle it, then why? Why must there always be some big thing that I want that has to be denied to me? Why must things be taken and or denied to me time and time again? Then again, having a child isn’t that “big,” is it?

It may be easier to deal with more often than in the past, but sometimes I still break down in tears and so much anger and wonder why? I feel like I always come out the loser if I try and the loser if I don’t try. This is what happens if I try or if I don’t try to quit smoking, to be a singer, to have a child - I don’t succeed. Try if I will and I’ll get nowhere. Don’t try if I will and I’ll still get nowhere.

I’m also so confused by what others have said as well as what Tom has said. They say two totally opposite things. One is to try my best and my hardest. Two is to not try so hard. Even the quack psychic said don’t try too hard and give this guy a break. I’m trying my best not to harp on the subject, but sometimes it’s easier said than done. I can’t always snuff my fears, my worries, my anxieties, my hopelessness, my anger, and my sadness.

I asked Tom earlier if our not being able to have sex till after the appointment bothers him and he said yes. I said he didn’t show it and he said that talking about it wasn’t going to change it. Oh, how I wish I could have that attitude much more often and tell myself that talking or thinking of having the things I want isn’t going to change the fact that I can’t have these things. Don’t bother to burden or upset or frustrate or pressure Tom by bringing them up. He already knows how you feel.

Also, one minute I feel that I should have these things and that I deserve them after not being able to get several other things I’ve wanted. Then the next minute I feel I don’t deserve them and that having them would be selfish and spoiled of me and that I still have been granted many other blessings. Not only can’t I make my mind up as to how I feel about things, but either thing or things I decide still don’t get me anywhere. I feel more and more that Tom not only isn’t admitting to all that he feels but is also having fun seeing me go through this.

Earlier I made the comment that we had to wait on the kid, no doubt, till he gets a raise and till I get my dental shit out of the way, which will be in about a month. He didn’t say anything in protest to it and he even admitted that 3 people couldn’t live very well on someone who makes $8 an hour. That drove my belief that this is a fear of his that’s holding him back even further into me.

He said he’s 100% for the trip in May and 100% for having a kid. Both right now at this very moment, he feels that, and I said that’ll be tough to choose. He said, yeah, but that’s life. I know he’s gonna choose the trip. It’s only once that Lisa’s gonna have a bat mitzvah and then there is the dental work and the question of money. I told him, though, that the decision had to be his. Whatever makes him happy.

The other day there was this commercial that I don’t know why the hell it had to come on a sports channel, but anyway, me and Tom were sitting in the living room and a commercial for getting yourself checked out before you get pregnant came on. I didn’t need to hear it and was dying for some coffee anyway, so I got up to make it. I was going to go to bed then anyway and when he kissed me good night he asked if I were sure that I was OK. I knew there was no point in getting into it, so I said I was. He said something about my painting a fake smile, even though I insisted I was fine. The point of me bringing this up is that he seemed to feel so much pleasure at that Moment like he enjoyed my being upset. Yet he told me back when he got all ticked off at my call to that nurse that all my feelings about him were in my head. What’s a person like me to believe?

OK, here’s my encounter with Robin. Well, I was saying what I said to God when all of a sudden that warm soothing feeling came over me and it was her. At first, I was like - go away. I can’t believe in you.

But she wouldn’t go away. She told me that things weren’t as bad as I thought they were and that I wouldn’t be stuck in this rut for too much longer. That I’d soon be onto new ways and new things and basically a new life. Now here’s the thing she said that made me wonder again if her presence wasn’t just my imagination due to being upset. She told me to give the psychic a chance to be right. She said that Tom’s more honest than I thought he was and that if I just hang on till the first of the year and try not to harp on it and let her comfort me during hard Moments like that, then I’d see that all would be OK and work out.

Now how the hell can I believe this? I want to, but it all seems like such bullshit.

I also asked her if there’d be a time when I’d believe in her more and she said yes, but wouldn’t give me a time frame. Nor would she give me a time frame as to when the new neighbors would arrive. She just said not to worry, just like she told me before. This is also very hard to believe.

All I want more than anything is to end this cycle. I’m sick of these feelings. I’m sick of wanting the impossible.

Later…

Dear Tom,

I had a chance to do some thinking last night and I realized something. When you said that talking about our not being able to have sex now won’t change anything, well, you’re right. I’m trying to have that attitude and the last thing I want is for you to feel upset, burdened, frustrated or pressured, so my only purpose for this letter is to let you know a couple of things I feel and you can do whatever you want with it from there. I’m not assuming you feel what I’m about to say, but if you do, I will understand. First thing - I know you know money. I know you’ve told me that things will work out and I know that. We want the same things, the trip, the kid, bed progress, etc. However, if when we’re in bed you’ve got the $8 an hour going through your head as well as the dental work and whatever else, I will understand. Also, if you feel these things, you can tell me, but that is up to you. I know it’s not your fault that you got laid off and that we need a new water tank, etc. Lastly, if you choose, between now and May that the trip is what you want most, fine, and you can tell me so. The ball’s in your court, I just wanted to let you know how I felt to ease your mind. I don’t know if it’ll ease your mind and I don’t know if these things are or will be on your mind. My only point was to tell you that I’d understand, I’ll wait for whatever, till whatever, and you can feel free to talk to me anytime about anything. That’s all!

I love you, Mystery

P.S. Also, I’ll keep trying to obtain some of your habits which I think are great. I think I’m getting a little better. Well, I sure hope so anyway, but I’ll do my best to be as good of a person as I can be and to make you happy and proud of me.

Later…

I just had some butter noodles I just made up. So far I’ve been under the amount of food they recommend.

The letter above is a letter I did for Tom. I couldn’t print the damn thing out, though, so I saved it to a file and will delete it after he reads it. Is that Robin’s way of saying not to do this? Tough, if it is. I still have no reason to believe in her enough not to have a mind of my own.

Later…

I just spoke to Andy for almost an hour. Things are OK with him right now. He said that John, Pam’s husband, called demanding that coffee table back. Andy refuses to give it to them cuz of the way Pam fucked him over and tried to make him lose his job. I don’t even know why he bothers to talk to him in the first place and not hang up on the guy.

He says he and Michelle still get along OK and that he can see them living together for quite a while, but she’s a lot like that Crystal C that lived with me on Oswego St. She does nothing to help out with her share of the chores and Andy has to keep getting on her case about it constantly.

I must admit, though, it is funnier than all hell and I don’t buy it. I don’t see how I can, cuz without the proof, certain things just seem too far-fetched to buy.

We were discussing how we’re both dealing with things we want that we just know we can never have. He can’t have Mr. Right and I can’t have a child. I asked him, “So, why do you suppose God spoiled Gloria? She seems to have it all. She’s been happily married for 17 years, so it seems, has a great career, all kinds of money, and 2 kids.”

Andy said, “Well, she was banished from Cuba.”

Then I said, “Well, maybe we oughta get banished from here for just a little while.”

Anyway, he said that God works in mysterious ways, he doesn’t fully understand God and says he doesn’t understand either why we can’t just live in a perfect world where no bad things occurred and why life has to be so unfair.

Anyway, he was telling me about Adam and Eve. A story I’ve heard before that I swear has got to be made up. He told me that when God created Adam and Eve, they lived in heaven which was in a garden here on earth. So, I guess it was just God, Adam, Eve, and Lucifer the devil. God told Adam and Eve that they could have anything they wanted, but that they could not eat apples from this one tree in that garden. So, Lucifer, the devil, told Eve that it really was OK to eat from that tree and that the only reason why God said not to was cuz then she’d have just as much power as God. She believed him and she did eat an apple from the tree. Then Adam did and they were sent to live outside of the garden here on earth which was supposed to be just like the regular old typical earth and replenish it somehow. Whatever that means I don’t know, but Andy says they were banished from the garden. It just seems to me that anyone could’ve made up this story. I mean, how can anyone know that they were the first humans and that they existed?

Later…

Tom just read my letter and as I figured he didn’t comment about it. You see, I really feel that he has a harder time opening up and prefers to tell me what I want to hear. He said the other day (even though I know this will never happen) that we’ll have a family as soon as we can when he should’ve said (if it was possible) that we can’t right now, but maybe in the future. With it being impossible for real, he should’ve told me a long time ago he doesn’t want it as I’ve always said. The only thing left that I can hope for is a confession from him. That’s the last thing about it that’s possible. I hope I hear the truth before I die. I have a feeling it’ll take 5-10 years for the truth to come out, though.

Tom sold his trumpet for $180 today and with that, he’ll be buying the new water tank. David’s gonna help him haul it over here. Tomorrow he’s also gonna try to sell some very old computer equipment. Stuff that’s supposed to be older than Tammy’s computer and that makes her computer look like a beautiful modern machine.

Later…

I just had some KFC and soon I’ll repolish my nails. During the night I’ll probably work on this, my story, and drawing.

Tom just went to bed. Before that, though, we were talking about how he’s right on schedule as far as the weight bet/goal. By the end of the year, he wants to be under 200 consistently.

I asked if our sex bet is still on and he said yeah, in a tone that wasn’t very enthusiastic. Like I said, of course I’ll win.

I’m trying to make up my mind - do I want to take my shower now or in the morning? Well, I think I’ll go listen to music while I’m deciding.

Later…

I just took a shower after I listened to music, then I did the dishes. I haven’t done my nails yet, though, but I will. It’s gonna be a long night and day. It’s not even midnight yet, and I have to stay up till after my appointment and we probably won’t get home till close to 3 PM and I got up at 7 PM. I may sleep for a few hours, but if I do it’ll only be for a few hours. If I go lay in bed and pray to Robin for help with taking a 2-4-hour nap, I wonder if she’ll help me and if it’ll work.

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 8, 1995
Well, I was kicked off the computer all night. Just after Tom went to bed, the disk was full so I couldn’t print or type anything out. Tom rearranged some stuff for me as soon as he got up. He’s in the shower now and then will be going to the store to pick up a few things.

He’s on one of his streaks where he’s showing hardly any desire for sex.

I’m on one of my streaks where I’m gonna miss not having a child, but I haven’t spoken about it, I won’t speak about it, and the way things are, are the way things are and that’s not gonna change. We all have our dreams and goals fucked with during our lives. Scott fucked with my singing dream and he’s fucked with my baby dream, but that’s life. Everyone goes through it. Anything to make him happy, though. I know that if I was deadset against a kid, the last thing I’d appreciate would be someone trying to talk me into it. I too, may be hesitant to admit that and insist I wanted a child to tell that person what they wanted to hear and to make them happy. Who knows for sure? I just might be like that, too. It’s a situation I’ve never been in before to know, though, how I’d react and what I’d say for sure. I still say that in a heartbeat I’d rather spend my life with my husband with no kid, rather than without him with a kid. I got over Scott who fucked with one of my dreams. I’ll get over this one, too. I have no choice and that’s all I can do. I know that woman was right when she said that as long as I choose to make him happy I’ll never have a child, but that’s just the way it’s got to be.

During the night I listened to music, watched a little TV, and did some more drawing, but I was bored for the most part. Just when I was getting more story ideas, the computer disk had to be full. I’m getting a bit tired now, so I think I’ll go do something else till I crash.

Later…

Shit! We can’t screw cuz it’s too close to my damn appointment with Rugg in two days. He’s gonna go down on me when he gets back. I’ll let him know that I’ll be bugging him for extra pussy licking to make up for the loss of the two different ways to have fun till after the appointment. I’m not having any evident problems down there, but how much do you want to bet that my pap won’t come back negative? I just know it won’t. It’ll be just my luck that it won’t. It seems that this is a prime cycle and a prime time for God to make sure I’m not quite normal down there. I know there’s no cancer there, cuz I’d sense it, I’m sure. Yes, I do have a big feeling that something up there’s gonna really fuck with my female parts, be it my tits or my crotch. It’s just its way of reminding me what’s not meant to be. Since I already know that real damn good and well, I wouldn’t be upset if I had to have a hysterectomy. Nah - God probably wouldn’t go that far. He probably wants to leave some things alone to tease me, but there’s no longer anything to be teased with. I mean, it used to really piss me off when Tom would say each month or each set of a few months that I’d be pregnant and I’d feel really hurt, but now I’m so used to it that it pretty much goes in one ear and out the other.

To be true to myself, and to be true to why my planner won’t allow me a child is simply a matter of what I’ve said before. I really think it’s just its way of keeping me from either being divorced or in jail. It knows I can’t quit smoking. It knows deep down that I could never handle a child. It knows deep down that I could never work my schedule out and I could go on and on. I fear and agree with this, too.

As for Tom’s reasons for not wanting a child, that’s a long evident list. I’ve got to get that dental work done eventually when we can afford it. There’s no way we could afford a child, even though he denies this. I could go on forever with reasons why he doesn’t want a kid, but I’ve already listed the basics in previous journals.

As far as the trip in May? He really wants that. I mean, it shocks the shit out of me cuz most people aren’t interested in where their spouses come from or their family members, but he really is doing and will continue to do all he can to get us there. It’s mostly cuz of Lisa’s bat mitzvah and to meet Tammy. The more I think about it, the more I don’t want to go. Yes, I miss my family and yes, I want to see them, but I had really hoped that they’d come out here first. Then there are the bad memories to deal with and the climate that nearly helped to kill me. I’d be fearful of any bad attacks and I just can’t stand being around Tammy for that long. Or my mother. My nieces, nephew, Larry and Dad are a different story.

Later…

Oh, I’m so sick of Tom’s shit! He harps on me all fucking morning to take care of myself and to take my meds correctly. Yet, if I harp on him, he gets all pissed off. Then he had the nerve to say that I do all of the little things I want and some of the little things he wants. He’s got balls saying that one! I’m doing him a very, very big thing. I mean the hugest thing someone can be made to do and that’s never having a child. That big thing makes up for a million little things and all the more, though, I’m glad he’ll never cum and I’m satisfied to just wish I could have a kid here and there. All we’d do is fight over it, let alone any other possible nightmares that could very well come with having a kid.

Later…

Yup, I was right. Tom just admitted one of his obvious fears about having a kid now. I just asked him before he went to bed if 3 people could live on $8 an hour and he said what I thought - no. Well, thank God then that he won’t cum and that my desire to have one has been altered for life cuz I would never feel right about having a kid on $8 an hour. Maybe $10 - $12 an hour.

Anyway, when I got up he was in a good mood cuz he found ways to sell some of the computer equipment we want to sell. We need to sell his trumpet in order to pay for a new water tank.

Later…

I’ve only been up for 3 and a half hours and I haven’t eaten a thing, yet I weigh 104 fucking pounds! Why? Why is my body acting like it used to? Metabolisms really do slow down with age, I guess. Anyway, I’m gonna try to do what Tom’s been doing and he’s been doing good. He’s lost about 10 pounds. I’m not 138 like I was 10 years ago so that doesn’t make me as desperate, but I’ll try my best to lose at least 5 pounds.

Tom’s really winning this weight bet, but like I said, it’s nice to know that I don’t have to worry about going 24 hours without smoking. Also like I said, it’s not his fault that he got laid off and if I were him I’d have my dental work and the 8 an hour going through my head, too.

Plus, given the ½% chance that he might cum (and even that’s high) he’ll only do it once just cuz of the cigarettes. He’d probably do it during the safest time of the month too, or in my hand.

Hey, I was wrong. There is a prayer that I could ask God and He’d totally grant it. I could ask Him to keep Tom from cumming due to all the reasons I’ve listed and - no problem!

Later…

Suddenly, I found myself in a depressed mood and was crying. I realize more and more that my dreams are either impossible or so very, very far away. I realize more and more how Tom doesn’t speak what’s on his mind but only tells me what I want to hear and that he’ll be forever Scott M-ing me in a way. If only I had no dreams. Then my life would be nearly perfect. How do I make them go away? I have to. I have no choice but to give up.

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 6, 1995
When I spoke to Tammy the same day I spoke to Larry, she said that cancer patient of hers did die. She goes, “My first one made it 3 days, this one made it 5 days, maybe the next one will make it 6 days.”

Yup, she is definitely cursed, alright. I’ve been teasing her and calling her the black widow, though. In my letter to her, I said that it was a good thing that I was the one who was the dancer and not her cuz she might have killed all those horny customers.

I’ve been drawing like hell. I’m really on a roll now. It comes and goes. Meanwhile, I did envelopes and am doing envelopes for the following people: Larry & Sandy, Larry, Jennifer, Tammy, Tammy’s kids, my parents, Kim, Andy and Sarah. On a sheet of paper, I did some drawings to send to Bob after Kim checks them out. I don’t want to do anything on Bob’s envelope. That wouldn’t be fair after asking him not to do shit up on his envelopes to me. I took journal 92 which is the big one where I put in pictures of Mom and Dad’s flags for decoration on inside covers and copied some ideas from that.

I just wish two things, though. That it was easier to use the scanner and that the scanner would scan in color. Asking Tom to do it is one of those things that’ll take him months to do, just like with the window in the music room. When’s he ever gonna fix that? Hopefully after the tag sale.

His Dad went home from the hospital yesterday, so that’s good, too. Hopefully, he’ll be OK for a while.

Meanwhile, I’ve been drawing the same drawings for these people. I’ve done birds, flowers, musical notes and different designs. I did a dog in a field of leaves last night.

Still feeding the pigeons who are always lurking about for food.

It rained again last night and today it’s in between sunny and dry and cloudy and damp.

Tom did end up waking me up on the day he thought I was ovulating unless he knows differently. Sure enough, though, he didn’t cum. Afterward, he was saying the only things he didn’t like about it were that the angle was off, which I felt was perfect, and that he didn’t cum. Yeah, right! I’m sure he’s just oh so upset over not cumming. I could smell the fear coming from him.

Later that night we were teasing each other, and I was saying how I was constipated at one point and he teasingly goes, “Oh, I guess we can’t have any more fun. You’ve always got an excuse.” And I reminded him that that was his department. Sure enough, after the plan was to go down on me, then screw, came the excuse to get out of it. He went down on me and then said he would’ve screwed if the tax papers hadn’t flown into his mind. I told him he’s gotta stop making excuses. There was plenty of time last night to do both, but no, we had to run and do those tax papers for the business.

This guy loves to tease as much as I love caramel. There’s just no stopping him from it. He’s just having so much fun with it and he’s so hung up on excuses to relieve himself and is so terrified. I’ve never seen or heard anything like it. Just from that nurse I spoke to. It’s nice to know that I know of one other person out there that’s gone through this. I accept his never cumming and I don’t want a child with someone so scared, but does he have to keep playing these games? Why can’t he just come out and tell the truth about how he feels?

Other than that things have been much much better between us. We haven’t fought and have been in good moods trying our best to get stuff done.

Yesterday we went through all the rooms, including the garage, and made a list of the stuff we wish to sell.

I had been constipated for the longest time since I can remember. About 5 days. I was almost afraid to go again, fearing I’d have the runs. I just went, though, and all’s normal with it, thankfully.

I hope I hear from Bob today. I haven’t lately and I hope all’s OK with him. I also hope he’ll tell me that he got that manila envelope OK.

I can’t believe there’s still no one next door, but I love it, I love it, I love it!!!!!!!! It’s so peacefully quiet. Remember how I said that Arizona kids that live in houses play out in their front yard? The kids on the other side of the M’s house do and thank God for that cuz with the way things are set up, I can’t hear them from any part of the house like I could hear the M’s kids no matter where they were. If these kids played in their backyard which they never have since I’ve lived here, that’d be a different story. So, it works out perfectly cuz they don’t interfere with my life or peace.

I haven’t worked on my story for a few days, so I’m gonna go do that soon.

I haven’t heard from Kim so I may call her. I hope she hasn’t had any setbacks.

What else is going on? Well, now we need a new hot water tank since ours is leaking. I swear we oughta move into a modern house, then move every 10 years. As soon as things start to get old and worn out. That way we don’t have to fix or replace stuff.

I spoke to Andy last night and told him about that funny quack psychic, but I’ve spared telling Tom. There’s no telling how he’ll react which I don’t need to deal with, and I have a right to call whoever the hell I want and to talk to whoever the hell I want.

Later…

Finally! I got a 3-page letter from Gloria’s fan club which I’m gonna type in as well as a pin in the shape of a star with her name on it. Lastly, I got that glossy picture of her which is the picture of her that’s on her oldies CD. The letter describes what I’ll get as a member, then goes on to give a little bio on Gloria.

Later…

Wow! Tom’s down to 202 pounds. He’s winning the weight bet, but at least I know I don’t have to worry about losing the cumming bet and having to go 24 impossible hours without smoking.

Anyway, he just got home, so he’s doing the food and TV right now. I showed him Gloria’s stuff I got and told him about Kim’s video. It showed her and Doug, who looks like the type she’d go for, skating. They’re both pretty good skaters. It was still kind of long and boring, though. Afterward, it showed Doug skydiving. I wouldn’t be surprised if Kim got into it cuz she’s sickly brave enough to.

She also enclosed a letter and some psychic audiotape of God knows what.

I finally heard from Bob too, but he says that he hasn’t gotten my story or puzzles. Those fucking guards probably ditched them, cuz get this - they returned a letter I sent him with a couple of puzzles and stuck in a note saying that newsletters were contraband there unless they came straight from the publisher. Why the hell couldn’t they have at least given him the damn letter? Oh, those fucking guards! I may write about pigs and guards in my stories, but I really hate those fucking pigs, guards, lawyers and anyone else associated with the law. Well, I’m not sending any more puzzles to Bob, or any more letters in fingerspelling, cuz for all I know they could bitch about that. What took them so long to complain about the puzzles when I’ve sent them several times before?

Well, now I’m gonna go check the TV guide to see what’s on tonight, then do letters to Kim and Bob.

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 5, 1995
Boy, have I had excellent drawing luck tonight! Finally!

Let me try to update in order of events. Tom shocked the shit out of me by suggesting we fool around in the morning. He thinks I’m mid-cycle tomorrow, so unless he’s gonna back out of waking me up for sex to try to tease me with the idea, or read my journal to see that I was mid-cycle on the 3rd, it’s a mystery to me. Again, I know I’m safe since I’m not mid-cycle and cuz he won’t cum, but this sure is weird for him. If he doesn’t know the truth of the matter, then he may have some trick or tease up his sleeve. Maybe he’s thinking about oral sex only, but he didn’t make it sound that way and morning is his best time for screwing.

Which is it? Could he have read my journal or is this all about a tease? I think it’s more along the lines of a tease. Us finding out his Dad’s got cancer on the 3rd when I really was ovulating was a sure sign that a kid wasn’t meant to be and that I’d made the right decision to never press or pursue the issue. This is totally unlike Tom, though. He’s pretty much always known when I was mid-cycle, and he wouldn’t even screw me then, even though I could never have gotten pregnant due to his not cumming. Maybe he’s trying to make me think that by screwing me then, even if he doesn’t cum, I’ll believe he wants a kid or something like that. Well, we’ll just have to wait and see what happens, but I’d say this is got to be about 1 of 2 things. He either read the journal or has something on his mind.

Anyway, I called Larry earlier. I started off by saying, guess who this is, and he jokingly guessed Tammy. I said, “Yeah, it’s her and I’m gonna talk your ear off. So, you can just go drive around, etc.”

Then he said, “Yeah, I’ll go out and rake the leaves, too.”

Not much is going on with him. He’s having trouble negotiating with the guy who he’s supposed to buy his trucking company from, but I’m sure he’ll get it worked out. He doesn’t want to drive if he can help it but says if he were single that’d be a different story and he’d never quit. Yeah, I can see him driving for the rest of his life if he were single. I think Larry’s the typical guy in that he wishes he never got married. I don’t think he’s the typical guy as far as the kids are concerned. I think that if he had to choose between dumping the kids or dumping Sandy, he’d dump Sandy.

He told me that Jenny really likes and looks forward to my envelopes. That’s nice. Especially seeing that we’ve only met once. I only saw her a few times when she was just a baby.

Larry also told me it was only 20º in the sunlight at 3:30 his time. Ha, ha, ha!

Anyway, about 8 hours ago, the ideas came flowing in so I did up some really nice envelopes. I did different bird and flower designs as well as shapes I traced from a ruler that has hearts, moons, diamonds, stars and things like that. I also did up staffs with colorful musical notes that came out really cool. People like Andy, Sarah, Kim and Bob will really like them.

I’ll get into what Tammy told Tom and I later.

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 4, 1995
Right now I’m in a bummed-out, hopeless kind of mood. I feel it was a hell of a thing that we had to find out about Tom’s Dad when I was mid-cycle. It’s like a sign to me saying, don’t bother with any dreams or goals of yours cuz something will just come up to get in the way of them. I’m so sick of this shit. I mean, just when it looks like things just may go well, this shit has to happen. Tom said he’d try to keep things going around here as best he could, but I’m not stupid. This is gonna have to get in the way whether he looks for it to be an excuse to not do certain things we said we were gonna do or not. Sometimes I wish that Tom and I were each 10 years younger cuz then maybe when we’re older we can have a break and do stuff for us for a change. I feel that the bulk of our years is going to be spent doing for others. That’d be fine if it could only balance out and we could do for us more often. At the rate we’re going, we’ll never have the business going successfully and I’ll never be a singer of any kind. Not what with the way one thing after another seems to happen. Thank God I don’t want a kid like I did before, cuz this is gonna be Tom’s perfect little excuse and reason for not cumming. I’m sure the stress will play some part in his not cumming, but the bulk of it is gonna be his ticket to escaping fatherhood. Well, I assured him already that I’m not gonna force him and he knows I don’t feel like I used to feel about it. I didn’t get into the details of why I now feel that the worst thing we could ever do would be to have a kid only cuz we’re not at risk of my ever getting pregnant. Even if he did cum.

I still wish I knew why God (if there ever was one) is so determined to hold us back in life. To keep each day, month, and year the same as always.

Thank God I’m not desperate to go back east this May, cuz there’s no way for two reasons. There won’t be enough money and now there are his parents to take care of.

At the same time, I feel so blessed, I feel so cheated. I sit back and I watch everyone else in both of our families do the things they want to do whether they’re going through hell or not. Meanwhile, Tom and I will never get to do the things we want to do, no matter how our lives are. Call me selfish, but sometimes I wish neither of us had family. That way we wouldn’t have to worry about them first and put our lives on hold. I’m not saying Tom wouldn’t take care of me if I were sick right now, but there’s no hope for us to do any of the things we want. Every time I feel a slight sliver of hope, something has to come up and ruin it all.

Later…

Tom just got home a little while ago and got me in a much better mood. His Dad’s pneumonia is under control, so he will probably be going home today. He still has cancer to deal with but will be fine for now. His Mom’s doing well too, and Tom reassured us that we can go on with our lives. We’ll just adjust to anything that comes up whether I get sick, he does, my Dad, etc.

Thank God, though, that he’ll never cum! I’ve had enough to do and worry about and I’m sure there’s still plenty more to do and worry about down the road.

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 3, 1995
Oh, my God, do I ever have the funniest phone call to tell about? I learned a long time ago back in Springfield before I moved to Deerfield that the phone psychics are quacks. Yes, I do believe in them, but not the ones at those 900 numbers. Especially since I was told that I’d quit smoking for good in 1991 or 1992, would move to Miami, and have a 3-year relationship with a woman, then another long-term one after that.

Anyway, last night a commercial came on for one of their numbers and the first two minutes were said to be free. So, I decided to have fun for a couple of minutes. I called and a woman answered. She asked me my name which I told her was Lisa. Never did she question that one. Then she asked for my date of birth and I told her I had just 1 question. I asked her if my husband and I would ever have the one child we want. She asked me if I’d ever had any miscarriages and I told her I’d never been pregnant before. Then she went on to say that two weeks after your period is the safe sex time when I’ve always heard the exact opposite. Then she said something about having sex every 3 days during the last week or so before my period. She said she does see it and that my body was about to go through a major change. Then she started to say something about next summer and I said, “So I’ll be pregnant next summer?”

She said, “No, in December.”

I asked, “Next December?”

She said, “No, this December.”

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!!!!!!!!!! That one’s funnier than the lady who told me back in 1991 that I was to be moving to Miami.

Later…

Someone’s getting a new block wall. The truck with the blocks is parked out back here on W. Weldon St. but the person seems to live somewhere down the alley out back.

Every so often throughout the day, I think of what that quack psychic told me and start to crack up to myself. Thank God this isn’t someone who’s proven to be a legit psychic to me in any way, cuz then I’d be pretty worried. I say that for two reasons. Cuz I meant it when I said that I’d rather wonder all about if I’d had had a kid, then take chances having one. Also, cuz to think that I’d have only one more month of freedom till it was bye-bye to the hobbies and things I love to do is quite scary. Maybe I’m not as scared as Tom is about having a kid, but I’d still be scared enough.

I finished typing Journal 99, like I said before, and why the hell I spelled the word lose as loose 4 different times beats me. I know better than that. I learned the difference from Gloria’s Let It Loose album which came out in 1987.

As soon as we can we’re gonna get more of these spiral journals to put my story in, although I won’t be surprised if, in the end, the story took up 2 or 3 of them. It’d probably take up about 8 regular journals that I handwrote.

I called to check if Zia’s music store-bought CDs for $5 bucks like I think I’ve heard. The guy said it depended on their condition and the demand for them, but they usually sell for around 3 or 4 bucks.

I’ve got to pluck out the bridge across my nose. Meaning, eyebrow hair that grows there. At least you can’t see it unless you look for it. I also get hairs on my tits that I have to pluck out. Maybe I’ll polish my nails, too. They’ve really grown out and are looking much better. They’re still not as nice as they used to be when I was younger, though. I remember when I was about 8-12 years old, probably more like 9-10, and June, who was once married to Ronnie, my mother’s brother was over at the first house we lived in on Berkeley Drive in Longmeadow. June and I were sitting at the kitchen table and ma was doing something at the sink when June noticed my long nails and was saying how beautiful they were.

About every 4 days or so, I hear this dog that sounds about 3 houses away that I once could’ve sworn was the M’s second dog. Isn’t that weird? I know they didn’t bring it to check out their house or to visit with someone around here, cuz I never see any kind of a vehicle next door or someone pulling up or leaving from a neighbor’s house. My guess is that this dog lives a few houses away and someone walks it around the block every handful of days. Thank God this thing isn’t next door or even two houses down, cuz this dog has one of the most obnoxious barks I’ve ever heard. Even more so than the M’s first dog. It’s got a high whining bark to it that’s very loud. I really would do everything in my power to kill it if it lived next door. Well, I’m sure I’ll be feeling that way soon enough. Just as soon as the fucking house next door sells.

I just remembered a couple of things that the psychic did say and it scared me cuz it was true. She said to give this guy (meaning Tom, of course) a break and that I was trying too hard. God, please don’t let her be right about December! Then again, like I really do have to worry at all!

How could she have been right about that, but an obvious quack about December? Maybe cuz the part of it that she was right about was common sense. I was trying too hard and you know about my talks with Tom, so I think anyone would assume that the person wouldn’t be calling about it if they weren’t trying too hard at some point and having heavy-duty discussions about it with their mate.

I don’t know how I’ll feel about it all in April of ‘97, but right now, the idea turns me off for reasons I discussed before and I just can’t help to feel that, just like I couldn’t help feeling the intense desire for one back when I did for those couple of years or so.

Later…

I polished my nails a little while ago and now I’m making a TV dinner. I just fed the birds a little, too. Every time I go out there, it seems that they multiply, so I gave them some seeds and sat on the swing as my nails dried while they ate. They’re getting more comfortable eating that close to me.

I decided to take a break from working on my story, but I might work on it later. Yesterday and the day before I really worked hard on it for many hours. The ideas keep flowing. I never could write like this in the past. Having a computer sure does make it more encouraging, though.

Later…

I just ate my TV dinner.

Tom got off of work a half-hour ago, but he’s gone to get his mother to go to the hospital. I have a much-improved feeling about his Dad. For some reason, they can’t figure out why they’re giving him bags of potassium through his IV.

I tried calling Kim, but her line has been busy all day. That’s typical Kim. I remember that on the rare occasion she was home, she’d always be making and getting calls. I’d come over there after seeing nobody for God knows how many hours or even days and I couldn’t have even 5 straight minutes of a conversation with her cuz of her and her phone.

I also called and scheduled a pap with Dr. Rugg for the 10th at 1:30.

I forgot to mention a test I did out of curiosity. Well, today’s the day that I’m mid-cycle, yet when I took my temperature it was below normal. I guess I either don’t really ovulate or am doing so at an odd time this month.

“You’ll be pregnant this December.” What a joke! When I ask myself if Tom would find that a good month, in particular, to cum and try for a kid if he changed his mind about it, I can’t think of anything. You know him, there’s always something to wait for. Last night he said we’d have a family as soon as possible, but right now he’s got to help see his Dad get well. Well, thank God we don’t, then, cuz then what would he do? I never thought I’d say this, but thank God he is the way he is and so full of hot air for my sake. For our sake as well as for just my sake.

What shall I do now? Should I watch any of the 5 episodes I’ve got taped of Little House? Should I go listen to music? I can’t make up my mind, so I guess I’ll just go listen to music for a while till I decide on something.

Later…

I swear the people’s dog across the street’s getting louder and louder at times. Why, I don’t understand. I hadn’t heard that dog for ages, till a month or so ago. Like I said before, God’s gotta do something. I’m surprised the music people haven’t started up again seeing that next door is still empty. I haven’t even seen that kid visit and I’m sure that if he was, I’d know it when he came and went. He used to blare his car stereo. My guess is that he and Mommy had a falling out.

For some reason the water tank is leaking, so I’ll let Tom know about it. I wonder if he rigged it to do that to turn the water temp down to save money, although I doubt it. As he was turning it up he made a comment saying that it hadn’t been touched and that it was set the same as it was last winter.

No, it wasn’t. I remember the bathwater being too cool last winter and having to turn it up.

Later…

Tom came home and went right for the food and TV as usual. He’s no doubt beat and will be vegging out till bedtime. Me? I’m beat, too. I only slept from 3 AM - 8 AM. As a matter of fact, I think I’m gonna go lay down now and I might even fall asleep, too.

Later…

I haven’t been able to conk out, so instead, I’ll write about the terrible news we just got. I had had an improving vibe about Tom’s dad, but boy was I wrong. The poor man has two different kinds of cancer all over his entire body. Not enough is known at this time as far as what they’re gonna do about it, but he probably won’t be given chemo treatments due to how lousy they make you feel, and he’s 83 years old.

I know that psychic was 100% BS, but now I know she’s 200% BS. This is probably gonna be a long drawn-out thing and there’s no way Tom’s not gonna think of his Dad before the business, music, family, etc. And I don’t blame him one bit. With me helping any way I can, he’s gonna have to deal with helping both his parents, then his Mom after his father dies. The cancer may not necessarily kill him, though, or it could take years. It’s just too soon to know what’s going on and what’s going to happen. Tom said that he’s gonna think about what he can do to help his parents.

I wonder if this is hereditary. How common is this? Can it just suddenly hit anyone? I mean, it’s just totally sad and scary. Well, like I said, all we can do right now is sit back and just wait and see what happens.

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 2, 1995
Today Tom will be home very late. After work, he’s gonna go pick up his mother and they’re both gonna go to the hospital.

If I’m OK, tomorrow’s the day I ovulate. I’ve heard all kinds of reports and some say you ovulate for 3 days and some say you ovulate for 1 day a month. I believe it’s more like 1. Anyway, my point is, is that even if he’d let himself cum tomorrow, there’s no way we’re gonna have the time. The guy’s gonna be very busy and surely beat.

On Sunday, the day he thinks I’m ovulating, I’ll just say something like I hope we can have fun today and I’ll wait and see if he approaches me or not. I still find it a hell of a coincidence that we’ve never screwed when I was mid-cycle during the whole time we’ve been together. Truthfully, though, I know it’s no coincidence. It’s all on upstairs. Why, though? All it has to do is keep controlling Tom’s brain into being afraid to cum. Don’t get me wrong, I believe Tom made his choice all by himself, but I still feel that upstairs is also greatly responsible for a large degree of who, what, and how we are.

The other morning when Tom went to put the birdseed in its container he said there were 11 pigeons lined up waiting to be fed. Not this morning. This morning there were 22 of them.

Last night we got slammed with tons of rain. It’s been nearly two months since it rained like that and it’s a miracle that my TV shows were recorded OK and that we didn’t lose the cable and the power altogether. There’s still one other movie that I taped that I’m still not sure how it came out.

I’m doing a new thing. Well, I have 6 blank videotapes available and I’m recording 36 episodes of Little House. They’re on twice a day Monday through Friday.

Later…

I worked on my story for the last 14 hours, so now I’ll update you on what else is going on. Tom got in around 7:00 and said that his Dad is really bad. We both still think he’ll be just fine, but his lungs are pretty filled up. Anyway, he’s gonna see him again tomorrow.

We had a nice discussion earlier. He’s finally agreed that it’s a waste of space to have shit around that he doesn’t use or want anymore. He also seems to want to be more organized, so we’re gonna go through each room over the weekend and see what we want to get rid of. He said if we’re gonna do it, we might as well do it right. I agree with that.

He also said again he’s eager to work towards the things we want, like the business, the singing and the family. I still think he’s full of hot air when it comes to the family, but that’s OK. We have enough to do.

Let me tell you about a couple of comments I made, though. One was when I said that I think we’ve had some things that we’ve been talking about wanting to do but have been too afraid to and I think we should just go for it and do it. His answer was that he agreed. Was that a confession, or did what I say go right over his head?

I also said that due to his worry over his Dad, I’d understand if we didn’t screw this weekend or have the time, but I’d hoped we could. He said yes, so that’s all I’ll say. I gave him the word and he knows, or he thinks, I should say, that I’m ovulating this weekend. Cuz even though I know it’s too late this month if he’d cum and if I were OK and if I still wanted one as much as I did, I still am curious to see how long this pattern will go on.

Well, I’m gonna go set the VCR to record the Little House episode that’s on in the morning, just in case I’m not up in time for it.

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 1, 1995
I just went and found the graph to record my breathing levels, but I couldn’t remember how to add on to what I’ve already got, but then I figured it out and updated the chart.

You know, I am really sick of this fucking lower gut of mine being so bloated and the feeling of pressure. It’s like something’s inside there pushing outward. Before my period I’m bloated, during my period I’m bloated and after my period I’m bloated. I’m so sick of it and I don’t understand it. Something’s telling me it shouldn’t be this way. It feels hard too, and I try to tell myself it’s fat and that’s what happens when you gain weight, it’s the normal curvature of a woman, etc., but something tells me it doesn’t have to be with me. It’s not supposed to be with me. I get the feeling something’s wrong and it scares me. It would make sense for something to be wrong due to my situation. I always had the feeling that whatever was up there didn’t approve of me having sex. No matter whom it’s with. Plus, I wouldn’t be surprised if something’s punishing me with either just the feelings of my gut the way it is, whether or not there’s something wrong or not, due to my wanting and asking for a child which is going against its wishes for me. Well, I don’t want one as much as I used to and I’ll want one less and less with time, and I sure as hell won’t ask for one. I wasn’t kidding when I said I’d rather want one all my life than go through whatever hell may come with it and what it may do to our relationship when we’ve already had enough to fight about. Also, after every time I’ve asked God to let Tom let himself cum or asked Him for a child, trouble comes.

The weather’s really yucky today. It’s quite cool and it’s cloudy. They say there are chances of rain over the next few days.

Later…

I just went out and fed the birds a little more. This morning as Tom was filling a new bag into the container, he said there were 11 pigeons lined up waiting to be fed.

It’s so nice and peaceful and quiet not having the Ms over there. I can’t believe the house has been vacant for that long! What luck, huh? I just dread the day the new kids and dogs get over there and ruin the peace. Oh, how I wish it’d be vacant till it gets really hot next year, but I know there’s no chance of that. It’ll be sold by February. Probably even much sooner.

I hope I get a letter from Bob today saying that he got the manila envelope with the word find puzzles and the Robin story.

God, it really is like Massachusetts out there! I have the back door open anyhow and I’ll give it at least a quick airing out with the EC, then smoke outside only.

My stomach’s still bugging me, even though I took Gas-X tablets and have shit yesterday and today.

Later…

My stomach’s still bugging me and I really think it’s just gas. I hope it’s just gas. I guess I’ll just have to live with it. It’s just not meant for me to have a flat belly.

I did some singing earlier and now the phone just rang, but I don’t feel like chatting. People always call when I’m busy. They’re just gonna have to wait till I’m not doing much of anything.

I saw a crane remove an old EC, then replace it with a new one a few houses down out back. That was neat.

Well, I guess I’ll go see if whoever called left a message and then do something else.

Later…

It sure is pouring out there right now.

Anyway, my stomach’s a little better now, but it isn’t perfect. For the first time in my life, I took one of Tom’s Rolaids earlier.

Tom’s been trying to get ahold of his mother to see how his Dad is. He spoke to her from work and according to her, they’re worried about his heart, but Tom and I both feel he’ll be OK.

Well, that’s all for now until tomorrow.

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Last updated June 11, 2024