February 2023 in 2020s

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 28, 2023
Irma’s leaving tomorrow as that’s when the new guy moves in. Very nervous about what we’re in for! Please God, Goddess, guardian angels, ancient ancestors - anyone - no barking, loud engines, or power tool obsessions!

She asked me to pray that she and Richard have a safe journey up to Canada and I said I would even though I’m still not sure I believe in that. I just didn’t tell her that part of it.

I asked for an update on the meeting she was supposed to have had with the new owner this morning, but I haven’t gotten anything. If it wasn’t for the fact that she doesn’t appear to have been online, I would be worried that she learned something she hesitates to tell me because she knows I’m not going to like it. I reckon, however, that she’s very busy this evening with her last-minute packing. I’m sure it’s a pretty emotional time for them too. They sold the place because they’re getting too old, not because they wanted to despite missing their grandkids.

Saw a tall skinny guy pull up in front of next door in a white convertible when they were out. He walked up their driveway (I couldn’t see what he did) and then got back in the car. I’m guessing that might have been the realtor.

Anyway, I’m trying to remind myself that most people here don’t have dogs, most don’t have motorcycles, and most don’t make a career out of playing with power tools either. Well, except for the house down the street. If they can afford to hire someone to do this much work for them why not just get a new place?

Again, I’m trying not to worry. I’m surprised by how fast the house sold. I really thought I would have a year or so before it did. Something wants me to hurry up and quit worrying because the new neighbor is quiet, or they’re not and it’s anxious to throw the bad neighbor curse back on me. A single male is the worst neighbor to get. At least if he was married or had a girlfriend they would be doing things together at times. But what does a single retired guy with all kinds of time on his hands have better to do than entertain himself with some very annoying toys? Then again, Steve has a GF and I know I would want to throttle him if he was next to us. He was blasting music and had his usual loud friends visiting. At this distance, I don’t mind, though. Especially with things running. If the AC and fans were off along with air cleaners then I might hear something every now and then.

I just hope this guy isn’t as sociable and doesn’t bring the same shit in front of his place with these houses being so close! I don’t want to have to worry about being woken up and I don’t want to be driven crazy while I’m awake either.

I woke up kind of tired yesterday because I forgot to lower the temperature in here so I woke up warm a few times. I knew those few nights of good sleep and feeling more energetic were going to run out on me soon enough anyway. I wouldn’t be surprised if it was a while before I slept well again. I don’t tend to sleep as well on the schedule I’m on now. I’m tired today too, but not quite as much. I was able to scrub the bathroom down, even though it took the wind out of me.

I wonder why I haven’t been hearing from Jessie as much lately. Anytime I ask how things are going she either ignores the question or just says they’re okay. I wonder if she thinks I’m lying about communicating with her son. I can only tell her the facts, though, if that’s what’s going on. I think she either misunderstood or perhaps Wyatt has another friend with my name. If not, then her kid has a problem. Why else would he say we’ve been in touch if that’s what he really said?

Not surprisingly, Jess said she hears things at her place too, but nothing too horrible.

When I used the ECG earlier, there was a double beep as if my heart beat twice in the space of time it usually beats in but it said no abnormalities were found.

It’s been nice getting to know a little more about people who have been around a while but are quiet. Who knows, maybe she and I will even get to be damn good friends someday, even if I can’t imagine that, lol. I don’t have a problem with an age difference. I used to prefer people my own age but as long as they’re over 18, honest, and not dumb and immature I’ll be anyone’s friend.

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 26, 2023
It was a good day today, although there is some potentially bad news. First, I noticed someone was selling Color Street nail strips at the yard sale yesterday for nearly half of what they go for online. So after exchanging messages about it, Tom and I went over there at 5:00 this afternoon. There I met Arlene and her daughter, Linda, and their friend Joey (a woman, even though she has a man’s name) who also lives in the park. Linda doesn’t live here, though. We sat out in their lanai and chatted for about a half hour.

Linda had a whole box of Color Street nails. She probably had close to 100 packs. Many were duplicates, though. Although they usually sell for about $14 online, she was selling most of them for $6 and some for $9. I got two of the $6 sets and one $9 set. They are absolutely stunning! They’re easier to apply than regular strips, they last longer than regular strips, and also unlike regular strips, you can’t just peel them off. It’s like having an instant gel manicure. I learned that from the free set I once got for signing up for something.

I have Hiss and Make Up on now. It’s a snake design with wavy multi-colored glittery stripes with a black background. The other two sets are silver glitter and purple glitter. The purple one has larger specs of glitter.

I shared a picture of my beautiful nails with the group and Linda told me to let her know if I ever want anymore. It doesn’t bother me, but it’s kind of funny how many people misspell my name on Facebook, even though it’s right there in front of them.

I guess Toni got one of the sets I got or something similar. These are so gorgeous that I put them on my big toes as well and then polished the rest with a color that matched. I’m going to have major nail damage, but it’s worth it! I can’t seem to polish or sticker up my nails for long before I get fungus. I still have the lacquer to fight it if need be. A little fungus won’t kill me, but if it gets to the point where my nails are lifting and are sensitive, then I’ll have to use the lacquer. I can always get more from my doctors if I need it.

So we chatted about this and that for a while. They want us to come to play bicycle bingo this Tuesday at the clubhouse. But as usual, that won’t be a convenient time for me.

Now, for the potentially bad news. So much for thinking it would be a year or so before next door’s house sold. It’s gone to a divorced retired veteran. Irma says they’re meeting with him on Tuesday and will find out if he has a motorcycle or a dog then. All she could tell me was that he seemed nice and drove an SUV. He’s renting somewhere half an hour away and has a friend in the south section.

Also, so much for hoping for a single woman over there since they don’t tend to be as noisy as the guys. Guys aren’t usually as obsessed with appearance, though, so there may not be as many outdoor projects. At least I hope that’s the case. The honker and the redneck are pretty obsessed with appearance after all. Motorcycles and dogs are my biggest concern right now. Two different houses had dogs barking out of their lanais when we passed them. The one that’s four or five houses down, and then one a couple of houses from Arlene. If the guy has a dog, I swear I’m not gonna listen to that shit every time someone walks by!

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 25, 2023
Fucking Facebook. I still can’t share posts with select people without them being notified. If I chose Specific Friends in the past, those friends were notified. But I was at least able to choose Friends Except… Now I can’t even do that or else they get notified too. What is it with Facebook’s obsession with not letting its users have any privacy? From now on I have to be all or nothing. It’s gotta be either private or for everyone. Maybe I’ll even go public someday. I might as well, right?

So I’m now 265 miles into my trip. I should be approximately 100 miles away from the Namibia border.

Did another painting, but I need to make improvements to it. It’s a large neon pink flower with some white in it on a round canvas. What’s cool is that the royal blue background bleeds through and makes it look like a multi-colored flower.

During my 7th session with Helen, I was glad her dogs weren’t barking in the background as they have a couple of times. I found it rather annoying when I was in the middle of saying something to her or trying to hear what she was saying to me.

We mostly discussed how my mother left me to fend for myself when I didn’t eat or drink for a few days and awoke with serious dehydration on the third day. I seriously wonder to this day if I would have made it if the kitchen cabinet wasn’t just outside the little bedroom I was in. It took me all day to muster up the strength to jump up, open the cabinet, and grab the first thing I could which was a Devil Dog. After I laid back down on the bed, it took me forever just to get the strength to open the damn wrapper let alone eat it.

“You got yourself into this mess, you get yourself out of it,” the bitch said, and then went back to her backgammon game with her bestie. This was at our summer cottage in Connecticut in the 70s. I was around 10 years old, give or take a year or two.

I felt helpless at the time, but like most kids, I didn’t question the adults. I assumed they knew it all. Eventually, I got the strength to shower and I fully recovered a few days later. Then I got on with my life. As they say, kids are pretty resilient. It’s when you get to be an adult that you look back and realize just how messed up some of the adults who were supposed to protect you truly were. She really took a gamble with my life, thanks to her selfishness, lack of empathy and compassion. If she hadn’t constantly picked on my appearance and my weight, maybe I wouldn’t have been dumb enough to not eat or drink in the first place. As a kid, I didn’t understand that humans can go a lot longer without food as opposed to liquids.

Helen asked me what I would tell that little girl if I could. I opened my mouth to answer but then realized my mind was blank. Having no experience with kids, I was at a loss as to what would be best to say.

But then Helen had the perfect answer. “Let’s get you something to eat and drink, sweetie, and then let’s talk about why you’re not eating or drinking.”

That’s what Dureen O should have told her daughter.

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 24, 2023
It seems the wheels of medicine turn just as slow as the wheels of justice. So fucking frustrating!

I have a little more energy today (yay!), so I’m hoping to get caught up here. Finishing up with yesterday…I came to and was now in another room. It was a small room like the changing area. They had removed the IV but not the IV port or the disposable blood pressure cuff that automatically took my blood pressure every few minutes. A nurse, or whatever her official title was, helped me get dressed and guided me to the bathroom. She then wheeled me down to the lobby, and thanks to her fucking accent, I couldn’t understand her at first. I thought Tom was still in the waiting room, but he was actually fetching the car and pulling it up to the entrance. So someone told him when I was out of recovery and ready to go. The few minutes I was in recovery was really a half hour or so. You don’t just wake up as soon as they wheel you out of the OR and into recovery. As I said before, though, it seemed like only a second between lights out and lights back on. I didn’t have the sore throat Jessie warned me I may have. Just a slight scratchiness. It was hard to believe a camera was shoved down my throat.

So off we go and then begins the long journey home. This old electric car can only go about 40 miles. Newer batteries can go 250 miles, but there’s no way we can afford to get one. If we absolutely have to go to Tampa, we’re going to rent a car or make other arrangements. Electric cars are still the way to go because they cost a fraction of what gas cars cost and require virtually no maintenance. But this is one of the very first ones they made, and it just can’t do long trips. If there was an abundance of fast chargers, it wouldn’t be an issue. Now, most chargers are slow chargers, and it didn’t help that half of them were broken or in use.

I was finally able to drink some water once I got in the car. However, we were both starving. He had eaten that morning, but I hadn’t. It was nearly 90 degrees and we couldn’t use the AC so we wouldn’t drain the battery so fast. As long as I wasn’t in indirect sunlight with no breeze, it wasn’t that bad. I’m a warm-weather person. I even got a little color with all the walking we did.

One of the places we charged at was a library so we were able to go in there and not only cool off but get some snacks and soda from their vending machines. We tried to charge at Publix and Whole Foods, but those chargers were taken. Then we charged a little at an electric company and then at another place with each stop being closer to home. By the time we were at the last place, the sun was setting and the temperature dropped from 87 to 84 degrees.

My heart was racing and even his was as well. On our ECG tester later on at home and after he got a chance to relax, he got a “possible bradycardia” reading just like I sometimes get a “possible tachycardia” reading. This is no surprise, though.

I had palpitations like crazy all day and instead of a few times a day, they were literally a few times an hour due to the stress. They even woke me up once. At least Tom didn’t have that part of it. I was so tired that I slept on and off for 10.5 hours. I stupidly turned off the sound machine early in the morning, thinking I was going to get up then, but I didn’t. Instead, I dozed back off just to get woken up by the garbage truck. So I turned the sound machine back on and slept a little longer.

I wasn’t totally exhausted yesterday, but I was still tired. Today I’m better. I slept better too, and got a higher sleep score. I slept 7.5 hours.

The biopsy results are negative, thankfully, but I do have gastritis and a hiatal hernia, as I said earlier. The hernia could be because I’m fat or it could be age. I’m not grossly obese, but I guess you don’t need to be that heavy to get it. As for why I have gastritis, I haven’t a clue. I’ll find out more on the 16th when we return to Lutz which is closer and without the crazy traffic of Tampa. It could be the years of taking ibuprofen but I’m not sure. I didn’t think I took that many over the years, and I certainly wasn’t a heavy drinker. Plus, I hate spicy foods. The only reason I would always reach for ibuprofen whenever I had pain is that that’s what my mother gave me when I had cramps in my early days of cycles. Tylenol seems to make me drowsy, and that stuff can be rough on the liver too. So I guess my only options are to beat up on my stomach lining, beat up on my liver, or just tough out the pain.

Okay, we just got a different surgeon scheduled for the 27th in Brooksville. It’s another Indian. What is it with all these surgeons being from India? Nothing against them but their accent isn’t easy to understand at times.

I updated Galileo and requested a referral for the guy after confirming he’s in-network.

During tomorrow’s yard sale, and just like every other event I want to attend around here, I’ll have to sleep instead. Not so sure that’s a bad thing, though, when I see all the bickering going on in the park group. I have no idea what’s going on and I don’t care but there definitely isn’t much love in the neighborhood. Jim posted something about not posting anymore or attending any events because of the community being despicable and people going door to door, etc. Others said that sometimes it feels like this place is like a high school with all the immaturity and bickering. Another says they never bother to attend anything because they know the drama they’ll be in for if they do. That’s exactly why Becky didn’t want to live in a community like this. That and the fact that she likes to have breathing room around her.

I have noticed that the people here don’t seem as friendly in general as at the old place. Even Dixie was friendlier albeit crazy.

I wonder what Jim means by “going door to door.” To tell whoever answers to hate him or something?

It’s sad, but true that people are people no matter what their age. You would think they’d gain wisdom and maturity with age but whether they’re in their 60s or their 20s, there’s little to no difference. The older people may know more and have more experience under their belt, but their behavior isn’t much different. They lie, gossip, contradict, fail to keep their word, and backstab people just as much as younger people do. This is part of why I’ve never been all that sociable other than online. I just don’t need the toxicity.

Not much else to report going on in the neighborhood, except for the usual. They’re still working on the house next to Sue, and I’m guessing that’s going to be a regular thing indefinitely.

Added some RAM to our laptops to speed them up.

Waiting on the coffin burner I ordered for my incense.

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 23, 2023
Yesterday’s 12-minute procedure turned out to be a 12-hour day. It was a nightmare! Everything that could work against us did. The biggest thing we learned is that we can’t take this old electric car down to Tampa anymore. It’s just too damn far. And thanks to Biden, they’re doing away with the fast chargers. They’re making a different kind of fast charger that we can’t use. Our first alternative is to carry on with doctors closer to us. Our next would be a rental car.

Sometimes I wish we had just gone to a bigger city. Even though this is considered a rural area, it doesn’t feel very rural when your neighbors are just a few feet away.

Okay, so on with yesterday. We left the house at 7:00 and stopped at the first charger as planned. We were supposed to drive some more and stop at a second charger, but there was an accident, as usual, so we had to head straight to the medical building.

So we get there, check in, breathe a sigh of relief since it’s right before 9:30 when the appointment was supposed to be, and take a seat only to be informed that we were in the wrong location. So with just 6 miles of charge to spare, we had a hustle over to the proper location and then building. This took quite a bit of walking, as if I wasn’t already tired enough, because it was a complex with many buildings and we didn’t know which one to go to. Of course, it had to be the one furthest from our car. It was actually in a regular hospital. You check in down in the lobby, and they put a hospital band on your wrist. They’ve changed a lot since I was last in the hospital. They’re very thin now and they don’t have that round snap thing on them.

They said the whole thing wouldn’t take more than a half hour but we were there for 3 hours. First, I had to wait in the waiting room. Then I was brought into a changing area where I changed into a gown and got into bed. The mattress was soft and comfortable and they gave me a warm blanket which was nice since this area was as chilly as the waiting room had been warm and stifling.

Several people came to talk to me while I waited for what seemed like forever in this room. Every other one had a foreign accent. The anesthesiologist placed the IV portal in my arm. Then others came to make sure they had the right information. A male nurse verified that Tom was my designated driver. I didn’t know the GI doc himself would be there, but he was. He wasn’t just hanging around the place but he did the scope as well.

After what seemed like an eternity, a large jovial nurse came to fetch me. I was wheeled into what looked like a typical OR. She, the doctor, and the guy who said he would be my “bartender” handling the anesthesia and breathing were very friendly and reassuring. Mr. Bartender put a mask over my face. This was just oxygen. Then Ms. Jovial had me turn on my side. I don’t know why, but they usually do the scope with you on your left side. She put a wedge behind my back to keep me from rolling onto my back. Then the party began and I was gone in seconds. I remember saying, “Wow,” as I suddenly felt super woozy, and then it was lights out completely.

What literally felt like one second later I was coming around. When we get up in the morning, or whenever we happen to get up, we have the sense that time has passed. Not in this case literally. It literally felt like I was put out just a second ago. But nope, I was out for 12 minutes. They gave me propofol, the same stuff that killed Michael Jackson. They also gave me sodium chloride. This was mild sedation, though, and I’ll probably get something a lot different when it comes time to remove the gallbladder if that ever happens at this point. I’ll get to that in a little bit. They also took a sample for a biopsy of my stomach.

I was surprised by how fast I came to. With heavy sedation, you’re very groggy. In this case, if I was a driver and didn’t have far to go, I could probably make it. It’s a damn good thing too, with the 7 ridiculous hours it would take just to get home. I can’t say I got a lack of vitamin D yesterday! I even got a little color with all the walking we did.

I didn’t think I would be told of any results yesterday. But sure enough, the endoscopy turned up two problems. I miss the days when all my tests were negative and when I would hear, “Everything’s okay” or “You’re fine.”

Instead, I’m told I have a hiatal hernia and gastritis.

The rest of the update is coming soon.

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 19, 2023
We got the ECG testing device, and it’s simple to use. You just hold it with the palms of your hands touching the sides for 30 seconds. No abnormalities yet except for Tachycardia, as expected.

We also have an air fryer on the way, which I’m excited about. I miss having one of those but because we have such a small kitchen, it’s a tiny one. That may be a good thing, though. It would not only make it easier to clean but keep us from getting too carried away with our portions.

I’ve been totally exhausted, for the most part, trying to work my schedule around the upcoming scope. Yesterday when the fatigue hit I ended up taking a 45-minute nap and that gave me fuel to function for the rest of the day. I tried to get up at 3 this morning, but I just couldn’t do it. So I dozed on and off until 4:30. I was tired for the first four or five hours of my day, but I wouldn’t let myself get back into bed. I perked up a little eventually, but whether I’m tired or not, I’m sure I’ll still battle insomnia later on like I always do. Last night I took a whole hydroxyzine pill, and that alone didn’t do much. Melatonin alone doesn’t always do much either. But if I take that in conjunction with hydroxyzine, it seems to help. Three more days of this shit!

Haven’t been on the road as much as I’d like, but I finally hit 1%. It took getting 164 miles into the trip to do it. The trip is 16,236 miles long so it’s going to take years. My rank is now 318.

They sprayed the front of their place next door for bugs and they’re going to be seeding in a few weeks. This shouldn’t require any loud equipment that could wake me up if I’m sleeping at the time. Today they washed their car.

Been making a point to go out back and hang out there for a few minutes a day when we’re not going anywhere and when the sun is out so I get my natural source of vitamin D. We’ve got a few palm trees coming up in back there. Just beyond the fence, I also saw a cactus which was a surprise. I didn’t think that was native to Florida of all places!

The bitch with a motorcycle is annoying at times, coming and going. She did this three or four times yesterday and I heard her today as well. She definitely doesn’t just get on the thing and go like the honker does. Some people truly don’t give a shit about those around them.

Why is Kim always home? I get that she has the mentality of a 5-year-old as Carol said, but aren’t there some kind of work or activity programs for people like her? Is being home all the time really good for her, especially since she’s at least able-bodied and able to keep a schedule? I wish she was a little more active because sometimes doing email with her is more like a chore than fun. I’m going to space them out more because I know that in less than two hours of sending an email to her, I’ll get hit with a long, rambling repetitive reply.

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 18, 2023
Looking forward to being able to take the weekend off from all the health work. I had to return a call yesterday that I missed for billing. The out-of-pocket part of it is now paid for.

There was yet another voice message I missed from the same woman who called before, saying she got a referral from the same nurse about my gallbastard. Why would she be calling when I already made the appointment for both the scope and the surgeon? I’ll find out on Monday. For the next couple of days, I’m going to enjoy a break from the health work.

Lastly, I dealt with Galileo’s automated refill message and let them know I have plenty of pills for the next few weeks due to the dose change. They said that was fine, and to just let them know when I get low. I also have to get a new inhaler soon, even though I only need it a few times a year.

When I first woke up, I thought OMG, I feel worse than yesterday and I’m never gonna be able to stay awake all day! Now, I think I might be a little better. Doesn’t mean I’m bursting with energy, but I have enough for now.

One melatonin wasn’t enough to knock me out, so I took Benadryl. Instead of getting barely an hour of deep sleep, I got nearly two hours, and it started measuring my HRV again. It was 20. I slept for 7 hours. I crashed at 5:30 and woke up for a second at 8:40. At 9:20, I got up to pee and couldn’t fall back to sleep so I took another Benadryl. I remember waking up two or three more times before I woke up 5 minutes before the alarm. One of the times I was definitely making these weird sounds as I was breathing. I heard myself do it twice. I think it was coming from my nose, though, and not my throat.

Really hope we don’t have a lot of walking to do through parking lots and buildings to get to the appointment! I also hope they wheel me out of there. Jessie said that you’re really out of it when you first come to, then wide awake an hour later. She said I might feel loopy for the day.

Anyway, if I can’t fall asleep after the standard 16 hours - and I have a feeling I won’t be able to - I’m going to take a whole Hydroxyzine pill and see how hungover I end up feeling when I get up tomorrow.

Later…

Not even 4 hours into my day, and I can feel the fatigue picking up. ☹ But why? I told myself not to worry about my damn schedule like Tom always suggests. It definitely does seem to have become more noticeable around the time the gallbladder started getting me in 2017. But I still don’t think it’s going to be that simple for me. If it isn’t me worrying too much, then it’s probably chronic fatigue. It could be connected to menopause or my thyroid. But why this late in the game if it’s menopause? And why wasn’t I practically comatose when I was first diagnosed with a 32 TSH? So I’m thinking it’s either the effects of trauma/worrying as he thinks or chronic fatigue. The latter would be the worst-case scenario because that’s a life sentence. I may not have 50 or more years left to live, but I still have enough.

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 17, 2023
Tom just went to take a nap. Good. I love the guy, but too much together time gets to me after a while just like too much alone time. I need a good mix. The only time I don’t want to be alone is when I’m really anxious or really depressed.

I can’t figure out my sleep anymore. Yesterday I only slept for 5 hours and 35 minutes yet I had more energy than I do today after sleeping 7 hours and 44 minutes. I did get a higher sleep score yesterday, though, of 89. Today it was 83. I’m just tired of being tired! I slept with the breathing strip for the last two nights but last night I kept waking up, as usual. I’m not surprised. I didn’t really think that would make much of a difference in the end. I’m none the wiser as to whether or not it could be chronic fatigue or some type of sleep apnea but will hopefully find out after my gallbladder is taken care of. I can only handle so many things at once. As it is, my health has become more like a job than anything else because it seems there’s always someone I’ve got to call or forms I have to fill out. It’s literally become like a part-time job only no one pays me for it. It’s frustrating as fuck.

For now, we ordered an ECG tester for $80 from Amazon. If it doesn’t give me any bad readings, I’ll start with tackling the sleep issues next. If it does indicate anything shady going on with my heart, I’ll start with a cardiologist. Sooner or later I have to see one anyway because of my family history.

Yesterday turned out to be a pretty good day in the end. After a few hours, I perked up enough for golfing and working out. Then we even went to Denny’s. The food was great. They had a special deal on steak dinners. I had steak, eggs, and fries.

I have a little more energy now than I did during the first 5 hours of my day, but I don’t know if it’ll be enough to really hit the road like I’d like to. I’m not gonna hit my 20-mile goal. I don’t even know if I can get in 10 miles today, but we’ll see. So I’m writing instead. I have to respond to Kim and Margaret’s emails.

Helen and I mostly talked about my anger issues in our last session. I told her about what happened in Arizona. I get that forgiveness is supposed to help a person and that being angry only hurts us, but it’s just not that easy. I can’t reach into my brain and flick a switch. I know there are a lot of people who, if they tell themselves something often enough, they believe it. I wish I had this capability but I can’t fool myself. No matter how many times I try to tell myself my favorite color isn’t pink and I work toward it being something else, I’d only be kidding myself.

But yes, sometimes I still resent certain people for certain things that have happened to me in the past. Let’s just say it’s enough not to trust myself around them if they magically appeared before me.

What baffles me is why I hate that bitch in Arizona more than anyone else I’ve ever known or met in my life. Shouldn’t it be my mother and the termite I hate the most? God knows they put me through more hell than anyone else on this planet.

And yes, sometimes I get resentful over the fact that I’m different in many ways, most of which I don’t appreciate. When I compare what I know about Alyssa to myself, I can’t help but ask myself, why? Just why? She’s tall. She’s no doubt forever skinny. She can drive. She can keep a schedule. She’s got a great career and will always have money. She obviously has a husband who can perform. She has a family. She has no birth defects. She has it all from what I can see. I know no one’s life is perfect, but I have a feeling her toughest times in life don’t even compare to mine. I mean, what could she possibly have about her that’s so fluky?

I wouldn’t want everything she has. My husband and I are older, and like most long-term couples, we’re content to be just damn good friends. I don’t want a family or a demanding career either. I think what gets to me is the fact that she has options and abilities that were never open to me whether I wanted them or not. I know it’s silly to compare but sometimes we do anyway, don’t we?

The fact that she hasn’t changed cover or profile pictures in four years tells me that, yes, she is aware of my past messages, and that’s why there’s been no apparent activity. I wouldn’t be surprised if she created a new account under a bogus name. If this is true, it’s kind of sad. All she had to do was either block me or tell me not to contact her and I would have respected her wishes. She didn’t have to run scared. I’m not dangerous. Fine, though. I’ll just use our chat thread to back up journals when I remember to. The more places I have copies, the merrier.

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 15, 2023
Yesterday was so long, tiring, and stressful, and well, it was just one of those days. It was dumb of me to schedule an appointment so late in my day. What I thought would be a 2-hour outing was more like 4. That would have been fine if I wasn’t so damn tired. That was more of the problem than the point of my day that I was in.

Another lesson we learned is to leave earlier for appointments. Google said it would take 36 minutes. We left an hour early, but that still wasn’t enough. We hit unusually heavy traffic at a couple of points during the trip through Port Richey, New Port Richey, Clearwater, Dunedin, and other towns. It’s a good thing we didn’t have to go all the way down to Tampa. The first traffic jam was because of an accident. I don’t know what was backing up traffic the second time around.

When we knew for sure that I would be about 15 minutes late for my appointment, I called the office and, after having to play hold, I let them know. The lady reached out to the office I was going to and then a minute later she told me it was fine and to just keep heading to the appointment.

They were kind enough to see me as late as I was, and they didn’t make me wait long either. The doctor and the lady he was training did a fine job on my ear and it was painless as well. For those of you who don’t know, I was born with congenital atresia of the left ear. They drilled a canal in the 90s, and it can’t shed dead skin on its own. It has to be cleaned by an ENT periodically. They usually use a vacuum, and if it’s as loud as it is with very little hearing in that ear, I can just imagine what it would be like with good hearing, LOL.

My good ear looks fine, and of course he looked up my nose and down my throat too. The lady is going to be working in Spring Hill which is closer to our place, so she gave me her name, and in half a year, I’ll see if she’s in network.

So one appointment down! It’s a relief to have this done and already my TMJ is much better.

So can we take my tired ass home from there? Of course not. With only 4 miles to spare, we had to run to the nearest charger but that’s the slow charger So we had to wait close to an hour to get enough charge to go to the fast charger to top it off. This was at Whole Foods, so we grabbed some food from their buffet. These grocery store buffets are never that good. Had I known better, I would have just gotten mashed potatoes. That was the only decent thing they had. The rest was either bland or spicy.

Once at the fast charger, he had to pee really bad, so he walked across the parking lot to Baskin Robbins while I waited in the car, too tired to haul my ass along with him. If anything worked out in our favor, it’s that it was a cool day for Florida. It got up to 76 but was still around 60 degrees at the time.

He grabbed himself a milkshake and me a small sundae and then we finally headed home. I wasted no time peeling my clothes off and falling into bed. But could I sleep? No, of course not! I was up for just over 18 hours. I’m not as tired as yesterday, but I’m not bursting with energy either, and I don’t think I ever will be again in my life.

It turns out that my oxygen saturation levels were high a couple of times during my sleep. I thought sleep apnea was caused by being fat but it’s actually caused by relaxed throat muscles that cause the airway to narrow. Something about it failing the send signals to the brain telling it to breathe. I could still have some form of sleep apnea. I don’t know for sure, but next time I sleep, I’m going to try an experiment and sleep with one of those breathing strips on my nose that help keep the nasal passages open a little more and see if that helps. I didn’t wake up as much last time around. Just had a little bit of trouble falling back asleep when I got up around 9:30 to pee. It would really be nice if I could get more than an hour of deep sleep for a change too.

My OS could also be high because of inhaling exhaled carbon dioxide as a stomach sweeper. If my heart and thyroid aren’t a problem, then it’s got to be connected to something going on in my sleep. The question is, how can they do a sleep study on me in my case? It would have to be something I could do at home. I’m doubly cursed. First, I can’t keep a schedule, and then I can’t sleep without sound machines, so I couldn’t just do a typical sleep study.

The thyroid med is starting to knock some weight off again as it builds back up in my system. The question is how I’ll feel in a couple of weeks.

Gallbladder removal surgery consult is now scheduled for March 9th. I’m guessing the bastard will be removed around the end of March.

Happy 61st birthday to Andy!

Still have more to catch up on, but I need a little break for now. Again, my energy level is better, but not up to par yet.

Later…

After hitting the road for half an hour and bringing my ride to 110 miles, I ended up taking a little nap. I really needed it too, even though that may have screwed up my schedule even more. Getting to my scope on the 22nd is going to be a bit of a challenge. But hey, I’m Queen of doing things in exhaustion anyway, aren’t I? Gotta go all the way down to Tampa for this one too.

In a few weeks, Andy is going to Phoenix with his male friend, Ken. He’ll be gone for a week.

I was thinking about my old doc’s arthritis diagnosis of the “lump” I swear I feel at the base of my neck in front just toward the left where the clavicle bone attaches to the chest. Could it really be a coincidence that it became more noticeable again with the dose decrease? But then if my thyroid was enlarged in that spot, I suppose she would have felt it.

At least the planes are quiet this morning. They were pretty mellow for a few days, and then we had a couple of days where we were right back to the every few minutes thing and it was pretty annoying.

Out of curiosity, I emailed Christiane the other day and told her I hoped that Nane wasn’t in Turkey when the earthquake hit. Her quick and simple reply said, no, Nane was in Munich while she was in Austria skiing. That was it. Never asked how I was doing or anything like that. A part of me considered being sarcastic and saying, “I’m doing OK, by the way. Thanks for returning the question.” But hey, you can’t make people care about you. Like I said a while ago, if it wasn’t for my curiosity I’d never hear from her again.

We got a large ugly-looking recycling pail but decided it was about time we did our part here. We won’t have enough for them to pick up every single week, so we’ll aim for the times when I’ll be awake when they come around since they’re loud as fuck. We didn’t even have a full recycle bin every single week at the other place.

I had a dream where I was speaking or listening - I think listening - to someone speaking fluently in a foreign language and I understood perfectly well what they were saying. I’m not sure what that language was, though. Maybe German.

Last night, I had tons of Alyssa dreams. I love it when I dream of her, even though they’re usually weird or just not very good dreams. I wonder why I suddenly had so many dreams of her. Maybe because yesterday was her birthday and she popped into mind. We were neighbors one minute and then in another dream, I was at her workplace. Then she was talking to Tom for a second, and then she began dancing beautifully. She spun around like a beautiful ballerina and I was both surprised and amazed by her talent.

Tom and I agreed to have a “meeting” at the end of next month as far as what we’re going to do and where. By then we’ll know if his program is a bust or not. Right now it’s showing promise and consistency. There’s still more testing to be done, though. I realize I really need to start living in the moment and stop planning ahead so much. If I put too much energy into future plans, then I won’t get much done in the present. The plan is to either decide where we may move to if the program continues to work out, or what we want to do to make this place more comfortable for the remainder of our life if it doesn’t. I realize it wouldn’t be a waste if we put money into making changes in this place because if we ended up having money in a few years that we didn’t expect, it would up the value of the house and what doesn’t up it will just make us more comfortable while we’re here. It’s just that we don’t have an endless supply of money, especially if things don’t work out, and we can’t do everything at once. We have a line of credit, but we’d kind of like to keep most of it for emergencies.

If this is our forever home, then when we can, I would like to soundproof one of the bedrooms from top to bottom against storms. I mean literally soundproof everything. Not just the walls. The ceiling, floors, windows, doors…everything.

We also need to redo the floors in this place, and I would like to take out the built-in desk by the door and add an indoor washer and dryer.

Another big thing I’d like to do is add cabinets and counter space to the kitchen.

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 14, 2023
I was mistaken when I wrote that the trip I created was 162K miles long. It’s actually a little over 16K miles.

I guess I’ll do an entry now because I don’t anticipate being in a writing mood on the way down to the ear doc later this morning. Yeah, last time it was to Spring Hill, and this time it’s to Port Richey, even though it’s the same medical group of ENTs. They just have different locations. I miss my old ENT!

I’ve been exhausted for days. Yesterday the fatigue was heavy enough to nap even with a good sleep score and a decent amount of sleep. The last time around I kept waking up. My sleep is doomed no matter what I do. Who knows how many more days it will be before I have enough energy just to do another freaking painting? I’m just exhausted and overwhelmed with all the appointments!

They left a voice message yesterday morning, and I wish I had thought to have Tom check my phone because he could have called them back. It was to schedule with the doctor for the gallbladder consult. I’ll have him try when we get back because I can’t stay up forever. Really, I can’t keep playing this game. I’m at the point where I just wanna say “fuck it” where my health is concerned. At least the gallbladder won’t be an ongoing thing. Sooner or later, the bastard is going to be removed, I’m going to recover, and that will be the end of that particular issue. But I’m sure it won’t be long before I’m replaced with a new one. I know how it works with me.

Too tired to write anymore right now.

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 13, 2023
The new OpenAI chatbot is amazing! I asked it to write a short story for me and its response was…

Sure! Here’s a short story for you:

Once upon a time, in a small village nestled in the heart of a dense forest, there lived a young girl named Lily. She lived with her parents in a cozy cottage and spent most of her days exploring the forest and playing with the woodland creatures.

One day, while on one of her adventures, Lily stumbled upon a hidden clearing filled with the most beautiful flowers she had ever seen. In the center of the clearing stood a magnificent tree unlike any she had ever seen before. It was tall and strong, with roots that seemed to stretch far into the earth, and its branches reached towards the sky.

Curious, Lily approached the tree and placed her hand on its trunk. Suddenly, she was enveloped in a warm, golden light and heard a soft voice whisper, “You have a kind heart, Lily. Your courage and compassion will lead you on great adventures and bring happiness to those around you.”

Lily was amazed and asked the voice who it was. The voice replied, “I am the spirit of the tree, and I have chosen you to be my guardian. You must protect this forest and all the creatures that live within it, for it is a place of magic and wonder.”

Lily was filled with a sense of purpose and responsibility. She vowed to protect the forest and all its inhabitants with all her might. And so, she spent the rest of her days exploring the forest and defending it from harm. She became known throughout the land as the Guardian of the Forest and was loved by all who knew her.

Years passed, and the tree’s magic flowed through Lily, granting her strength and wisdom far beyond her years. And she lived happily ever after, watching over the forest and its creatures, always ready to face any challenge that came her way.

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 11, 2023
My current location is in South Africa. It’s a vast, wide-open desert. It almost looks like I could be riding through Maricopa, the small farming community in Arizona I lived in 20 years ago. I got in 60 miles so far of the trip. I wish they had never made the HUD so obvious and cluttered. You can see part of the handle of my virtual bike, even though in real life I’m on my skier. Just when I was worried it would be a waste of money. It’s anything but that! If anything is a waste of money, it’s the treadmill.

The 20420 coins are a bit frustrating because I have nothing to do with them. I’ve purchased everything I want for my trainer, not that I have her visible most of the time. I keep hoping they’ll come out with either more outfits or skins for boards/bikes but they never do.

My rank is now 326!

I’m going to be riding through dry, barren terrain throughout here and in Namibia. But once I get to Angola it’ll get a little greener.

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 10, 2023
Created another long trip and this time I’m determined to stick to it. It’s just over 16K miles from South Africa up to Finland. I wanted to do a horizontal trip as well as a vertical trip from Europe on over to Asia, but it won’t let me. Anyway, I have to do 162 miles in order to complete 1% of the trip.

I had a weird dream about a huge rock-like egg in which people were expecting hundreds of mice to hatch from it at any second. Despite the weird dream, I slept better. My sleep score is climbing. It’s now up to 86. It didn’t record an HRV for me, though. I have no idea why I was so damn exhausted those two days or why my heart raced as it did a couple of days ago.

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 9, 2023
Every now and then I go back to old entries to add in little things I forgot along the way. I was going to do that with yesterday’s entry, but now I can’t remember what it was I was going to add.

Today is a little better than yesterday, so far. I’m still tired, but not quite as tired. I got a sleep score of 83, and while that’s better than 79, 85 and up is best for me. I still woke up several times. The best thing is that my heart isn’t racing and beating so hard as it was yesterday. Hate that feeling!

It still frustrates me to know that I’ve been suffering for the better part of a decade now, and have twice as long to continue to do so if things don’t magically get better somehow. It seems more often than not there’s something… Fatigue, anxiety, lightheadedness, racing heart, depression…something. We all get old at different ages. I got old at 48, and I probably have 20 more years to live. That will make 30 years of being old. ☹

I envy those who are older than me that seem to be able to be on the go and do things every single day. Of course, they’re always on days. I just wish I could be normal! It seems that all my life I’ve had something fluky about me.

Last night’s HRV was 16. I’ll definitely address this with a cardiologist if I can ever get my damn gallbladder out of the way. That’s gonna be another month or two.

I wish we had a smart lanai. I went out there to get the last of the sunshine, trying to help myself perk up. Some of the sun filtered through the plastic wrap and blinds, but it would be nice if we could tell Alexa to open everything but the screens when we were out there, and then close them when we wanted them closed.

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 8, 2023
Yesterday wasn’t the greatest day. Today, I’m horribly tired, and my heart is having bouts of racing. Yesterday I found that a gummy didn’t help much when I started to feel on edge so I took half a hydrocortisone. Ended up crashing about 3 hours earlier than I usually would. I realized I was totally overdoing it with the exercise. Especially since I’m not getting any results. If I ever need to hold my schedule for a week or so, then it might be worth it because it helps keep me from being up too long.

I ended up sleeping a whopping 11 hours, something I haven’t done in years. Got a horrible sleep score of 79, though. I decided to sleep with the sound machine at a comfortable volume, and therefore the recycling truck was able to wake me up. Fortunately, I was able to fall back asleep quickly, but I kept waking up a lot. Had to pee at one point as well.

My HRV was at 20. It only checks it in your sleep, though.

Like me, he’s noticed a decline in stamina. He dreads cleaning the gutters because he knows it’s going to drain the shit out of him. Just walking a mile to pay the water bill wiped him out as well. So he made a flow chart and created a circuit training plan that is supposed to improve his fitness level in a healthier way. It alternates between light workouts, HIIT routines, and strength training. If it helps him then I’m going to do the same thing.

I miss the days when I felt good most days and had energy most days as well. When I think back to when I was in school many decades ago, and how I was active all day long and then after school until bedtime with plenty of energy to spare that I would lie there awake for what seemed like forever, I wonder how the hell I ever did that. I know I could never pull it off these days.

Again, without sounding discouraging or even scary, I hope this helps my younger followers in their older age to read about what it’s like for some of us to grow old as I would guess they’re going to experience at least some of the things I’ve experienced.

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 7, 2023
Finally got curious enough to ask Mrs. Twenties to please ask if the lady that bought our old house got any mail from any of the termites. While I wait for an answer on that, they lost part of their carport during the storm. It was noisy during the cleanup with all the downed trees. OMG, I can just imagine! A part of me wished it hadn’t waited until we left to finally get some real rain but now I’m glad it did, and even more so, because that roof was on its last leg.

So Tom had a hard time waking up this morning and he felt dizzy. I guess that’s called sleep inertia. He also read that a low heart rate can mean you’ve already had a heart attack. He’s pretty sure he never had one though. He still needs to let his new doctor know he’s got a low heart rate when he sees them this summer.

I slept through the mowers and the honker leaving on the motorcycle. He left at the usual time of 10:30. Last week, it was earlier. He came back at 4:00, and this time he didn’t coast but he didn’t rev it either. He turned it off just a few seconds after pulling into his driveway. He might have left it on so he could better position it. I’m hoping I’ll see it covered soon enough because that will probably mean it’s not going out again for a week.

I’m surprised he trimmed the big tree that’s between him and Sue’s place. I thought that was something he did before he headed up north but he doesn’t appear to be going anywhere anytime soon. It will be interesting to see how late in the year he stays now that he’s retired. I’m hoping he’ll be gone by mid-April and that next door doesn’t sell this year.

I adore my buddy Jessie, but she is definitely not the brightest bulb in the pack, LOL. I asked what symptoms she had since they lowered her med or did they just simply tell her that one of her numbers was too low and that she needed to lower the dose since not everyone has symptoms. She said she doesn’t remember what they were and she just answered when her doctor asked if she was experiencing certain symptoms. I told her that if she didn’t remember then she likely didn’t have any. Then she said she never experienced hypo symptoms, even though her thyroid has been dead for a long time. I told her that wasn’t what I was asking but was a bit surprised to learn this since I had just about every single symptom that goes with low thyroid.

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 6, 2023
Fitbit won’t give me my HRV results for last night. It only measures it when you sleep. I don’t know how accurate or meaningful it is, but it tells me my HRV is unhealthily low. His is much better.

If his plans don’t work out, I worry we’re not going to be able to come up with enough money to get the things done that we want to do. It seems like there’s always something coming up to set us back. First there’s the AC and now it’s my gallbladder. Plus, I still need my bridge replaced. I hope he doesn’t have to go back to work at any point but you never do know. I would be okay with it as long as he wasn’t unhappy and I wasn’t having problems. And no 12-hour days!

I wish I could know what to expect in the future. I’ve spent 57 years not knowing so having a heads-up would be a refreshing change.

No more burning where the sun doesn’t shine so the cranberry juice helped. I still don’t know that it was a UTI. It could have very well been the powder I was using. It’s a little hard to believe it could have been a UTI because bidets keep you so much cleaner.

So the honker did coast in the other day when he returned for good, cutting the engine when he got to Toni’s place. Tomorrow is Tuesday, so he’ll be taking the motorcycle out while I’m asleep. and the mowers are coming too. So my sleep is going to be at risk tomorrow, but more so because of the mowers than because of him. If they come around with the really loud one, then I’m going to be tired tomorrow too. Today I’m tired because I kept waking up. We both napped earlier.

There’s been a definite increase in motorcycles around here overall and it sucks. Fortunately, the planes are quiet tonight. They were really annoying the last couple of nights. Still hearing helicopters and small planes every day, though.

I only hit the road for 20 minutes tonight. I’m in France right now. I just feel like I’ve been overdoing it, although it seems to be keeping me from being up for so long even if I still keep waking up (that much is an age thing). Plus, I’m too tired to do any more tonight. My rank is climbing! I’m up to 333. Tonight, I’m just going to write and maybe do my nails. I’m also doing the final editing of my short story that’s just under 10K words.

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 4, 2023
Really hope I don’t have a UT infection going on now, based on the burning sensation I’ve been getting. Drinking lots of cranberry juice now.

Today is one of those days where I would definitely take a rural setting over this place. First, the bitch behind the honker sits there gunning her motorcycle for several minutes before turning it off. Then she does it again a short while later and eventually goes somewhere.

Then it’s the honker’s turn to annoy me on top of startling the shit out of me when he fires up his own motorcycle that should never have been allowed in here. A few minutes later, he returned without cutting the motor and coasting the rest of the way. I could tell he forgot something because he parked parallel to the end of his driveway. Sure enough, he runs inside and then back out a minute later to take off again, this time heading the other way.

At least the honker should be gone in about 70 days. Unfortunately, though, this bitch is here year-round right along with Happy. They let him bark 31 times the other day and at that moment I wanted to let the redneck have it, but I know people. He would only go hipo on me and complain that I complain.

I’m in a good mood, despite the annoyances.

A certain reply to a certain reply of mine put a smile on my face earlier. Maybe I shouldn’t be so quick to judge people because some of them are actually quite nice. Love how she said she was flattered she showed up in one of my dreams, LOL.

Also, I value those who are good listeners. I’ve dealt with enough people in this world who can’t shut up long enough to let you get a word in edgewise.

I’ll have to ask my doctors more about HRV scores if I really do want to consider seeing a cardiologist in the future. My numbers are supposed to be unhealthily low from what I’ve read. It’s a good thing I have time because I’m still undecided on whether or not to see a cardiologist. I hesitate to on days I don’t have any issues and because it is what it is. My gallbladder isn’t what it is because it can be removed. But they can’t remove my heart. So with the odds of me being unable to tolerate any medication they may want to give me, it might not be a good idea to see a cardiologist.

I had so much fun skiing on the road yesterday that on and off I ended up doing it for two hours and 7 minutes! My rank is now down to 339 out of 181801. I rode 38.3 miles! It might be slightly faster than 20 miles an hour because online it says it should take 15 minutes to go 5 miles at 20 miles an hour. Yet I got there in 13 minutes and 45 seconds. No big deal, though.

Oh, speaking of skiing, I forgot to mention something really cool I saw on my Sweden ride. A couple was dressed in full skiing gear. Only the skis had little wheels under them and they were skiing along the streets. It was really cool and looked like a lot of fun.

I had a dream I woke up very cold. I asked Alexa what the temperature was and she said 55 degrees. If that’s not funny enough, when I asked her to turn the heat on she said, “It’s broken.”

Then I got up and found I was in our old Phoenix house and the honker lived next door.

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 3, 2023
Loving these Jarritos sodas I tried at the market the other day. I got a case of 12, each with a different flavor. Not something I’m going to make a regular habit of getting because it’s a little pricey and there’s a lot of sugar in these things.

I wanted to switch to my outer office, but at 7:00 PM the planes are simply too obnoxious. You can hear them best in that area of the house and three planes in three minutes is a bit much. They should taper off in a few hours, but not stop until around midnight. I wonder how many more years before I finally get used to this. This is the way it is almost everywhere now so why don’t I just get with the times?

Today started off to be just so-so. I wasn’t anxious but was slightly on edge as I worry about transitioning onto nights. He’s going to partially match my schedule so it won’t be as bad. Plus, I do have the gummies, the hydroxyzine, and I know Helen is just a text away so that helps. After taking a gummy I felt better.

I’ll get back on with the painting in a few days. That’s something I like to do in the middle of the night when there are fewer distractions.

Tom woke up on fire, he told me. I guess guys do that too at times. This week’s VZ challenge is going to take me through Vermont, the Canary Islands, and back to a different section of Tasmania. He got the Cadence sensor hooked up to the skier and it’s so much fun! You appear to be riding the bike, of course, which I have to switch to. I’m a little overpowered and it takes several seconds to come to a stop but it’s so much fun riding my little “toy car” down the street and exploring anywhere in the world I want to go. I say “car” because my hands positioned on the skier’s rails are almost similar to if they were positioned on the wheel of a car.

I’m finally about halfway through my 78-mile ride around Lake Tahoe. I do that ride in between challenges.

We’ve agreed for him to fold the skier up before bed if he crashes before I do so that way if I want to golf on my own or something like that, the skier isn’t in the way. I can meditate whether it’s there or not. But I can’t golf, box, or dance.

Earlier I became very light-headed, hungry, and shaky. Tested my blood sugar about a half hour after eating and it was normal. I’m not sure what that was about. I lost two of the four pounds I gained and I did it without counting calories or doing anything too extreme. I just lowered my quantity by eating less often. I was getting too carried away for a while. This is the first time in ages that I grabbed the reins of my weight when I saw it was getting out of hand and yanked it back down even if it was only a couple of pounds. So my metabolism definitely isn’t as dead as it used to be. I’m still a little worried about how I’ll feel once I get past the middle of the month but lab time won’t be much longer.

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 2, 2023
For $20 I got a VR painting app called Vermillion. Facebook more than paid for it, since they’re giving me more and more jobs to do. I think I’m now making over 100 bucks a month doing their surveys and studies.

I haven’t checked it out entirely yet, but so far it seems pretty realistic. I’ve chosen the bright sunny loft with its large plants to be my studio environment. The old-fashioned Victorian-looking room was okay but not as bright. Didn’t care for the passthrough at all, especially since the cameras on these headsets produce a grainy, black-and-white picture of our real-life surroundings when we step outside our guardians. The cameras on the newer headsets are supposed to be better and in color as well.

Had this really weird dream that my parents were still alive and I went to visit them at their house. The weird thing was that I never saw them because they were off mingling with their neighbors. I was looking forward to chatting and catching up on things because it had been so long. But instead, I was left alone to wander through their place. As I gazed around at the square-shaped, small two-bedroom house, I realized I didn’t find it as nice as I used to. I liked our newer home better even if it was too small. I could see how I liked it a lot when they first moved into it and I was much younger.

Knowing my mother recently had surgery for something, I spotted a letter lying open on their kitchen table. Only the letter was written in a language that doesn’t exist. There were gray circles throughout the letter with different symbols in them, each representing a word that I seemed to understand perfectly well. The only line I remember reading was, “I’m sorry your surgery bankrupted you.”

Then I woke up, got up to use the bathroom, fell back asleep, and the dream actually continued! Only this time, Tom was with me. Same thing, though, with my parents out and about somewhere. We slowly walked through the house and I asked Tom what something I spotted in the corner of a room was before my eyes could focus on it and he said, “That’s a bathroom,” even though it was really a microwave. LOL.

Then I told him I didn’t remember things correctly because I thought they had a slider in back of their house with the beach just beyond it. But there was actually a door with a little hallway leading to an outer door. Plus, the beach was across the street in front of their place.

Suddenly worried for our own future as I realized things weren’t as well with them as I thought, I turned to Tom and asked if he thought we would be able to move into a bigger house, but most importantly, survive financially for the rest of our lives. He said he couldn’t guarantee things.

Later…
Got a great shot of this cute little egret that jumped onto some bushes outside the window of Burger King to beg this lady for food a couple of booths down from us.

So Helen and I started breaking down the most traumatic and tough events of my life. I forget what it’s called, but she’s doing this thing that helps change the way I perceive and feel about past events in order to help me in the present and the future. Then she’s going to be doing a form of EMDR on me. Today, after filling her in on my many upcoming appointments, we discussed the worst memory I have of my mother. Oddly enough but gratefully enough, despite the stress and the not-so-fun trip down Memory Lane, I have continued to feel good both physically and emotionally.

When we went out in the 75-degree temperatures, I felt fine. I felt nice and comfortable instead of like I was on fire despite 75 degrees not being that hot. My heart hasn’t raced either. I wish I could always feel this way. I hate to think it’s because my thyroid numbers are way off, but I would rather that and feel good than the other way around. The lower that TSH goes, the faster my heart races and the more I feel like I’m burning up no matter what the temp is not to mention the anxiety and depression that comes on. I should get a better sense of where my thyroid is somewhere between the middle and end of this month and then it will be lab time again. My calculations put me at 6. If I’m under 10, I’m not changing a damn thing. Whenever I make changes is when the trouble starts.

I’ll be meeting with Helen again in a couple of weeks. Between my schedule, her schedule, and all my other appointments, that’s the soonest I can meet with her. In another week or so, we’ve got to call to schedule the appointment with the surgeon.

I also gave Helen the main highlights of my childhood, including the time I was a ward of the state. At the end of our session, she had me bring me back to my safe place I call Rainbow Beach. She also had me visualize putting the shitty memories of my mother in a locked box to save for when we meet again. So while the bitch got to toss me to the state, I get to place her in a nice, bright hot pink (my fave color) steel box with chains wrapped around it…until I give her permission to come out. grins wickedly

For the first time, I actually laughed at the Devil Dog part of it. When I was explaining to Helen that I grabbed whatever I could from the cabinet because I had so little strength that day and ended up with a pack of Devil Dogs, she didn’t know what I was talking about at first. The funny part was when I said, “I haven’t had the damn things ever since and I never will.” So we both laughed at that one.

It was nice how she thanked me for trusting her with this before we signed off.

Tom seems to be tired more often lately. I wonder if it’s age or his own TSH. He’ll be seeing a doctor this summer when he needs more blood pressure pills and they’ll probably do a blood panel on him and find out what’s going on. Maybe it’s just age. Besides, naps and retirement kind of go hand in hand. He doesn’t nap every day, though.

Andy’s been fighting depression for the last few weeks so he started working out again. That will definitely help, and as I told him, more isn’t necessarily better. Even 15 minutes is better than nothing at all.

I returned Vermillion and requested a refund because it was too complicated to use. The graphics were great, but the navigation got confusing as hell.

Then my headset lost its mind for a while. It kept telling me to create a new Guardian and would lose tracking. It was also placing me in the wrong position within apps. Instead of appearing to be standing by the tray that holds all the different golf balls in the Walkabout app, I’m floating above it one minute, then I’m embedded in it the next. So I cleaned the camera lenses and when Tom was looking at it, he found that the edges of the stickers I had on it were lifting and creating shadows which were confusing it. No wonder the damn thing has been telling me to turn the lights on lately when the lights were already on.

The only funny thing was that we swapped heights and he appeared shorter than me when we were golfing earlier. Before we figured out what the problem was, he created a new guardian and when you do that, it calibrates your height.

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 1, 2023
What a frustrating day so far! The bitch behind the honker was getting on my nerves running and gunning her motorcycle. Did she not read the rule book that says you’re not allowed to sit there revving engines?

Some other guy has been cruising up and down the park on a quieter motorcycle. And while it may be a quieter one, still, what have these places come to? I wish they were like they were in the 80s. I hate how they’ve become so mainstream. It makes you wonder what’s next. Letting kids live here? Allowing those with dogs to let them stay outside overnight?

Now they tell me the ENT I really need to see this Friday is no longer in network after we noticed the referral expired. I thought that once I was an established patient, I could see them as often as I wanted. But apparently, they do this on the first of every year. Getting really tired of making a career out of hunting for doctors, making calls to offices and insurance companies, filling out forms, and having a million appointments! I’ll be seeing someone else in two weeks instead but where are all the female doctors in Florida? It seemed there were more female doctors in Cali than male.

Another frustrating thing is the car starter battery. He knows it needs to be changed, but the person who came out and inspected it said it was good. Yet he has to jump the damn thing every few days or so. He read online that this is a common problem and they recommend you just keep calling them out and eventually they’ll replace it. It’s under warranty too.

My gallbladder was a little crampy earlier. I don’t think it liked the milk in my cereal, even though I got lactose-free. I probably won’t have a surgery date until the end of this month or the beginning of next. Jessie said she’s had endoscopies before, and they’re a piece of cake.

Reading back in my earlier journals, I realize I’ve never been correct in predicting anyone’s death. I thought one of my parents would die at 83, yet they both died at 80. I thought his mother would make it to 86 or 87, yet she made it to 93. So I realize that I could be wrong when I assume Tom will make it to 85. I just came up with that because that’s common these days, and that’s how long his father lived. Well, 84 to be exact.

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Last updated May 31, 2024