January 2023 in 2020-2024

TUESDAY, JANUARY 31, 2023
Didn’t sleep well last night. Kept waking up. Finally had to take children’s Benadryl to get better sleep, although I still woke up tired because I had a hard time falling back asleep after waking up the second time to pee. Therefore, I ended up taking a nap and having a mix of strange dreams that included looking out the front door of where we supposedly lived on a hot, sunny day and thinking I should head right instead of left the next time I go out walking. Being in a relationship with a female US Marshal. Picking out a birthday gift with her and someone else for someone we all knew. Casting a spell that made my hair lose its curl and grow to my ass overnight. Moving into a small house and waking up to find that Tom found room to set up a twin bed in our windowless second bathroom, LOL. I couldn’t get the bathroom lights on either and could only make out things from the light spilling in from the hallway. As soon as I stepped inside it, music started playing and I couldn’t figure out how to stop it.

A few nights ago, it was a dream about moving and crying happy tears as we conducted our final walkthrough. This isn’t the kind of place you cry happy tears over leaving, though. Unless we were moving to an OMG house in an OMG location, leaving this place as opposed to the last one where I have the most terrifying memories of my life and was the noisiest place I ever lived in wouldn’t bring on the waterworks.

I don’t think I’ll get the chance to find out how I would react either way, because I’m suspecting more and more that this is where we’re going to spend the rest of our lives. Despite all the effort and tweaking of his program, it’s looking like it’s the same dream it’s always been. I’d rather stay here and have him home as opposed to him going back to work so we could move to a bigger place. I guess you could say I’m about 75% okay with staying here. It’s a little bit of a disappointment because it is small, there’s no view of any lake or ocean, and I have no chance of escaping a flight path if that’s even possible to do in the state of Florida these days. On the bright side, it has the warmest winters of any place I’ve ever lived in before and this part of the state has the lowest risk of hurricanes and running into gators. Also, the house may be small, but it’s cute and a lot more modern than our last place. It’s definitely much quieter and cheaper, and this house has a surprisingly low number of spiders that we find in it.

Looks like my near-future surgeon has good reviews, is 48 and bald, and possibly from here which should wipe out any accents. The Indian accent isn’t easy to understand. The male nurse I met with yesterday was American and friendly too. This guy was in Lutz but I’m sure I’ll be operated on in Tampa.

They say to pack an emergency bag in case any complications arise and you need to stay a few days. I’ll pack a bag to throw in the back seat of the car even though I can’t imagine needing it for any reason. Better to be overprepared than underprepared, though!

We went to a large market to charge the car after my appointment and they had a little buffet there. The food was just so-so, but the chocolate chip cookies we got were awesome! They had the biggest chocolate chips I’d ever seen.

Still feeling good emotionally despite the appointment hassles and it’s looking like January’s mood tally will result in 1 bad day, 5 neutral, and the rest good. I could get used to this as fat as I’m getting. I’m now up 4 lbs since the dose decrease. But is it really due to that or simply because I’m getting older? I read that men usually gain weight until they’re 55, and women don’t stop until they’re 65. So it could be just the typical incremental jumps most people’s weight makes after 30. I remember it all. By 35 your skin is noticeably thinner. By 40 you need non-prescription glasses. By 45 you need prescription glasses. By 50 everything’s gone to hell.

I paid $12 for one of the mood tracker apps because it does exactly what I want it to do. This one is simpler. The other mood-tracking app I use lets you record multiple emotions or physical feelings at once. So I have a simplified version and a more complex version.

I still worry about various end-of-life possibilities though I still try not to. Yet those awful questions still run through my mind along with all the worst-case scenarios. Who will help us in the end if we need help? Who will die first? How? Is there an afterlife? Reincarnation?

It’s hard to believe that in a couple of months, Tom and I will have known each other for 30 years! Can’t imagine life without him.

Adaptive volume is another thing they won’t let us control on Alexa. Again, why have options when you don’t want to let your customers use them? I hate how every time I talk to her she’s changing the volume and sometimes blasting really loud.

Speaking of blasting, Tom really threw me for a loop the other day. He puts on his headphones to watch a show in the living room while he skis. He then keeps turning it up louder and louder and I’m wondering why he bothers with headphones if he’s just gonna blast the TV so damn loud. It was so loud that I could hear every word in the other room with the door closed. Finally, I came out and asked him how much louder he was going to crank it up. It was blasting so loud that at 5:00 in the morning, I’m sure Toni could have heard it, LOL. Well, his hearing is so screwed up that he couldn’t tell that it was coming out of the TV and not the headphones. He says that explains why it sounded weird and he had to keep turning it up. It was like OMG loud!

It would have been fun attending last night’s murder mystery at the clubhouse and then the variety show last week but of course, I have to be sleep-cursed instead. Apparently, they also have painting classes once a month, but I’m sure I’ll have to sleep. Life is for those who are always on days.

I decided that once I fill up the paper journal that I use when we’re on the road, I’ll just accidentally lose it in the clubhouse and see if anyone mentions it in the park group, LOL. I’m using people’s initials and changing any keywords that could give me away. I’m also doing weird and funny things like saying I need my liver removed instead of my gallbladder which any idiot should know we can’t live without.

The honker’s daughter stayed overnight for a few nights. I know it was his daughter because he shared a picture of her. They ate at an expensive, yet yummy-looking steak and seafood restaurant. She may have had a guy and two kids with her. I saw a couple of young girls running alongside the honker’s place before they left. With the camera’s speaker on I could hear them saying goodbye to each other and to stay safe.

He left on his motorcycle since it’s Tuesday, though earlier than usual. He usually leaves at 10:30 and comes back between 2:00 and 4:00 but he left at 9:15 this morning.

A guy on a motorcycle stopped at Toni’s yesterday. The thing is, he came from further in the park. Really hope she doesn’t have a new friend in the park that’s going to visit regularly on the damn thing!

Tom’s waiting for a guy to come out and replace the starter battery in the car.

My rosebush painting came out okay, even though the sky is a little vast. The butterfly painting was a bust. Even so, I love the pearlescent blue background which shimmers beautifully, and the way the neon pink butterfly glows against it. I’ve got a long way to go before I’m ready to use a big canvas and therefore the new easel as well. I don’t see myself getting that much better, especially on my own. I never excel at anything anyway. I either suck, or I’m just so-so, or I’m good, but I’m never great.

Got a few more brush sets. Fan brushes and some hog hair brushes. These should help with the techniques used in future paintings I want to try.

Also got a fruit diffuser water bottle in hot pink. I figured it would be healthier and save a little money, rather than getting fruity sodas. The bottle has markers on it so you can make sure you have enough throughout each hour of the day. I started with blueberries but I didn’t taste any hint of blueberry until the next day because their skins are thicker. Right now, I have raspberries in the bottle. I have cucumbers and kiwi ready for later on. I want to get peaches and bananas eventually, too.

Haven’t been out much other than to Walgreens and my appointment but I’m too tired to go out today.

Dick and Irma stayed elsewhere overnight last night.

Got a friend request from a woman named JoAnn who I noticed was a friend of the Twenties. I thought it a little odd at first since I couldn’t remember exactly where we met and it’s been over a year since I’ve been in Cali. I thought maybe we met at the clubhouse when I was attending aerobic classes. So I accepted the invite and sent a message asking how we met. Instead of answering my question, I get a reply the next day about grant money she doesn’t plan to pay back and an offer to give me info on how I too could get $350,000. So she’s been hacked and I blocked her account.

Joined Pillowfort but I don’t know if I’m going to like it much because it seems a little too active for me. I’m amazed that this site I never heard of until a few days ago has so many users! I definitely got more comments than on other writing platforms. I don’t know if I have the time or desire to be in regular contact with that many people, though there’s nothing wrong with that any more than there’s anything wrong with those who are more sociable. I’m keeping the account in case I change my mind. It’s just that sociable or not, I only need to drop copies of my journal on so many sites. The more I have, the harder they are to manage.

The Atlantis golf course came out a few days ago and it’s gorgeous! The graphics are great and it’s a fun course without any really difficult holes. Being under the sea, I love the little bubbles that slowly float up from each hole.

This week’s VZ challenge locations are in Argentina, Portugal, and Sweden.

Just got a notice from the park that they’re going to start towing cars parked on the street after 10:00 PM. I don’t see nearly as much as that here as I did at the old park, and no RVs either.

MONDAY, JANUARY 30, 2023
We were on the road to the Odessa area at 7. I was going to wear shorts, but then I decided not to since we could crank the AC up in the car, but not ask the gastro place to turn their AC down as medical places tend to be chilly.

I saw the gastro doc’s nurse and all they did was give me referrals for an endoscopy and a surgeon. I don’t understand why Galileo didn’t take care of this. It was nice to get out, but I don’t understand why I needed an appointment to do this.

When I first heard the word “endoscopy,” I almost walked out of there and said, fuck it, I’ll just live with a damn gallbladder. There’s no way in hell anyone’s shoving a camera down my throat. Luckily, however, it turns out that they knock you out for that. You’re only out for 10 minutes so it’s a quick procedure. It’s just that now I’m told that surgeons want this done so they can be sure there’s nothing else going on. Again, Galileo did the ultrasound, and they did the scan, so why didn’t they do this too?

So I called and set up an appointment for the endoscopy, but it won’t be until the 22nd. Along with the fact that I can’t be available every day, the doctor who does this procedure only does it on Wednesdays. If I didn’t have sleep issues, I could have gotten it over with on the 8th. So the length of time this whole thing is going to take is going to be longer for me than for most people.

The most frustrating thing is that I have to return to where we went today for a follow-up. I don’t understand why they can’t text, email or call me with the results but they said they don’t do that, which is utterly ridiculous. Tom is going to call the insurance to not only make sure the endoscopy is covered but also to see if the meeting with the surgeon can also count as a follow-up since they’re going to forward the info to the surgeon. If not, I’ll have 4 appointments that could have been 2 appointments. I can just imagine how many post-op appointments I’ll have, assuming they really do remove the gallbladder, and it’s looking likely that they will. A gallbladder functioning at 17% is “very low” according to the nurse. If the endoscopy turns up anything else we don’t know about I’ll scream but I don’t think it will. Then again, that’s what I thought about the HIDA scan so fingers crossed! Not sure if it’ll be removed with a robot or laparoscopically, but it seems that laparoscopically is the norm. It’s more economical. I’ll have 5 incisions counting my belly button.

They gave me a sheet of dos and don’ts for before the endoscopy. No NSAIDs like ibuprofen a week prior to the procedure. If I need a pain reliever, it has to be Tylenol. Only a few medications can be taken and mine is on the list. They say to only take a sip of water. I have to stop eating after 7:00 PM, and then no drinking after midnight. I’m going to be hungry and thirsty as fuck! Lastly, they say to wear comfortable clothing because I’m going to be changing into a gown. I’ll just wear a sundress I can slip on and off quickly.

I have much more to write about, but I think I’ll just start with this for now as it’s getting a little late in my day.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 25, 2023
Being psychic is never fun. Seriously, if you can’t predict winning lottery numbers or prevent bad things from happening, it’s no “gift” at all. It’s just something to add to your worries, especially with my track record of dream premonitions.

I had one bad dream and then one very worrisome dream. I’ll start with the bad dream and save the worst for last. It was a short dream that had to do with some demand the park was making on us that I knew was going to cost us money.

“This one’s more complex,” Tom told me after a guy came to the door and he momentarily stepped out of the lanai where they were talking to grab something. I wanted to follow him back into the lanai but wasn’t dressed appropriately. So all I could do was wait in frustration, unable to remind the guy who the paying customers were.

I had to laugh when I thought of how the park has left the fallen fence in back for so long. The other park would never leave it like that for this long, but that’s part of what keeps them from driving me crazy with all kinds of projects and tearing up the roads so damn often is not being obsessed with appearance.

It’s the nightmare, I’m worried about. I’m lucky I was able to fall back asleep as fast as I did after having such a nightmare. Tom and I were going down the steps of a large old house. There were many steps, like maybe 10 or so. Then we went to the house next door which was perhaps 10 to 15 feet away and with the same number of steps.

He was looking for something on the porch because we were going to do some kind of project. I don’t know what it was, but I think I might have used the word “surgery” at one point. Maybe there was something I wanted to do ourselves, rather than trusting a doctor. Regardless, he was on the porch and I was standing on the short end of a couple of planks of wood nailed together to form the shape of an L which he had one hand on to keep it from falling. Suddenly, the long end of the L was closer to 20 feet long instead of 10 or less, and the short side had wider planks. I was starting to carefully cross them to see what he was doing when he suddenly let go of the thing. I began to pitch backward and woke up screaming in midair as I was falling. In that split second, I knew Tom was going to feel really bad for letting go of it.

Right away, the nightmare reminded me of the nightmare I had in 2006 in Oregon where he was helping me get down from a 25-foot-high shower stall of all places. He also let go for a second in that nightmare and we both fell. Plus, I woke up before hitting the ground in that dream as well. Nothing catastrophic happened after that nightmare, but we sure did have a rough time for a while. We had all kinds of hassles with the cruise I won and then we got to come back to frozen pipes.

I know something bad is going to happen to me. Luckily, he should be safe because he didn’t fall with me this time. I’m sure it’s health-related as usual. Maybe another bad anxiety spell, or something with my heart racing up a storm. What else could it be? Surgery is probably too far out for it to be connected to that if they do opt to remove my gallbastard. My heart is probably still healthy, even if it does things I don’t like it doing. I can’t see myself being abducted by aliens or anything off the wall and I don’t think the nightmare pertains to someone I know. If it did, I would have seen them fall in the dream. Sort of like the dream when Maliheh fell out of a speedboat and then got caught up in a tornado the next day in real life. All I can do for now is sit back and wait and hope whatever I’m in for isn’t too bad. Oh, and wish I had the luxury of telling myself it was just a nasty nightmare, of course, when I know damn well it wasn’t.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 24, 2023
He ran a huge test today. After doing an 18-day test with minimum bets of $2 and a profit of $147, he was anxious to bet for real and so far so good. As promising and as hopeful as his latest adjustments look, I still don’t want to get my hopes up too high. I just have to remind myself that this isn’t the worst place to spend the rest of our lives. Far from it! The only problems this place has are the lack of space and the lack of beaches being this far north. We definitely don’t have the view I would like to have either. I would be perfectly fine with remaining in communities if we could have gotten that house I really liked in Port Saint Lucie! Like I said, if I’m going to put up with some noise, as long as it’s not off the charts like in the last park, it better be worth it.

I worry about money in the future. If this thing doesn’t work out and we have trouble getting assistance, who knows where we may end up? He says it will be easier to get assistance once he’s at full retirement age. I don’t see how we could ever be as broke as we were during the recession, but I do worry it’ll get to a point where money is really tight.

Later…
Why do the small planes in the helicopters feel obligated to make up for the lack of commercial planes when the commercials aren’t flying over us?

Even though my sleep score was only 80, nothing woke me up. Not the mowers and not him taking the motorcycle out like he usually does on Tuesdays. Tom was grabbing the mail when he saw the lady behind the honker trying unsuccessfully to start her motorcycle. Who knows how long I’m gonna have to listen to her fixing it? Hopefully, I’ll be asleep and under the sound machine. I’m just glad she’s further away!

Yesterday ended up being better than the day before. It wasn’t great, but it wasn’t bad. My day started off a little on the warm side today despite being only 73 degrees in the house. Reading around suggests that that and the elevated HR (although the HR is fine right now) could be connected to menopause, but I haven’t yet found anything that says a hot flash can go on for hours at a time. Usually, it’s seconds to minutes. I still don’t think anything is wrong with my heart, but that’s what I said about the HIDA scan…that it would be normal. So I’m definitely looking forward to settling my curiosity and getting answers once and for all when the GI stuff is out of the way. I want a doctor to tell me I’m fine, don’t worry, or yeah, you’ve got a problem and this is what we can do about it.

Except for feeling really hot, Jessie has had similar symptoms and all kinds of tests done. Her cardiologist couldn’t come up with a reason for why she was having those symptoms but wasn’t worried either.

Besides peace of mind and hopefully some answers, I’m just about due to get another stress echo test done anyway. Plus, an EKG. I was surprised to learn from Jess that Apple watches have EKG monitors. She says she likes the peace of mind of knowing that if she passes out, they’ll send an ambulance. Fitbit notifies you if they detect A-fib and fortunately, I haven’t gotten any notifications. So more than likely, my heart is fine but I want an expert to tell me so.

JK Rowling is in the news again. Oh, shut up, you gay/Jew-hating bigot! Never read any of her books and never will. Not my genre. And even if it was, no one should be supporting such a piece of shit like her.

MONDAY, JANUARY 23, 2023
Yesterday was so bad it turned scary. I still hadn’t slept well and still didn’t get a good sleep score. I also noticed that my HR only dropped to 77 instead of the usual 68-73. On top of that, my heart was pounding and racing all night long and I felt like I was on fire. I knew it couldn’t be connected to my medication because there was no way my TSH could be low enough. This left the possibility of hormonal imbalances or A-fib as my docs suggested. They offered beta blockers to slow my heart which I would have to take daily but the problem with those is that they leave me freezing cold and very sluggish. Tom and I agree that I don’t need to take anything else but try to remember that I do have the CBD gummies which I’d forgotten about and the hydroxyzine. I don’t know if that would help with the feeling really hot or slow my HR, but I should have given one of them a try.

My blood pressure was through the roof and when I saw the numbers it threw me right into a panic attack and I got Tom up. He felt bad for going to bed so early and said he shouldn’t have left me alone while on nights which is when I tend to have more problems. I assured him it wasn’t his fault since I was fine the last time I was on nights.

I got up at 4:45 and found a message from him saying he went to bed an hour earlier and will be up late tonight. That’s the beauty of being retired! He was reassuring me not to feel bad because he could sleep all day as I did.

My HRV is also low. I told the docs about this and about the shimmering I saw in my vision the other night so they were up to date on everything. I would wear the damn heart monitor if I knew it was covered under our insurance and go to a cardiologist to find out what’s what once and for all. But right now I’m pretty overwhelmed with so many damn referrals. I just want to get the GI out of the way and find out what they’re gonna do about that before I take on anything else. Besides, we did read that gallbladder issues can cause anxiety. So maybe I was just anxious. I’m hoping it was a combination of that and hormonal fluctuations. Lack of/poor sleep could have contributed too because the older I get, the worse I handle sleep disruptions.

My HR is still a little elevated so maybe I should skip my coffee today or have just half a cup. Damn, am I sick of this shit, whatever it is! Really wish I knew too, because that might help my doctors and me figure out what’s best to do about it.

I have to pause for a minute to go to “Rainbow Beach.”

Okay, I did that and my breathing exercise. I will also reset my nervous system in a bit and hope these mysterious spikes stop. Quickly freshening up in the shower to help me cool down last night shouldn’t have jumped my heart to 126. We cranked up the AC last night and my skin was cool but my body was hot. When I feel normal, I’ll set it between 77-78 but tonight I’m gonna leave it at 75.

My weight is back under 160, too.

Oh, what a beautiful number I just saw…80. The thing is that it can spike at any time over 100. Guess I’ll just enjoy those double digits while I can. My doctor asked if I ever notice it going low and unfortunately, I don’t, LOL. I have heard of people who have heart rates go too slow, then too fast, and back and forth.

It’s still beating kind of hard, though. With no background sounds, I can hear it beating.

I’m going to make a point of cutting back on meat. My blood pressure tends to be a little high, even when I’m not having processed stuff that has more sodium. Why set myself up for a stroke or a heart attack? I would seriously rather drop dead of a heart attack than have a stroke that left me debilitated for life.

Jess says Belle is having a hard time recovering from surgery. She said she knows I’m in touch with her brother and don’t tell him she moved down here because he doesn’t know yet. I told her we haven’t been in touch for years. He added me and we’d make an occasional comment on each other’s posts and then he deleted me. I assumed he felt I was too old for him, LOL. Either that or he feared Jess would learn things through me that he didn’t want her learning like the fact that he had problems with drugs. I never said anything to her because that’s up to him.

My chat with Carol went well, and now some things make a little more sense to me. Actually, I think I helped her more than she helped me, LOL. There were some things about Kim that she didn’t know.

It isn’t MS she has but she’s very autistic which explains some of the behavioral issues. Also, it isn’t that she’s forgetful but has a type of verbal OCD, which was the best way Carol said she could describe it. She said she needs reassurance and for example, Kim will ask what’s for dinner. Carol will tell her lasagna. An hour later Kim will ask again. And again Carol will tell her lasagna. And then another hour later, Kim will ask yet again and Carol will say, “I told you what we’re having for dinner. What did I say we were having?”

“Lasagna,” Kim will say.

This now makes sense to me as to why she keeps asking me the same questions over and over. There have been times I thought wow, she remembers that I lived in a trailer in Auburn, but she can’t remember the answer I gave her 50 times over during the week when asked if I wear shorts a lot?

Kim doesn’t like any surprises and thrives on schedules and predictability, Carol said. I guess I must be part autistic too, because I can kind of relate to that. Even though I don’t have a schedule, I do at the same time. I still have routines I tend to follow around the same times within whenever my day is at the moment. I like mixing things up for variety at times, but good things that I know are coming. Not nasty surprises like last night. Taking off for Orlando at the last minute was fun. Feeling like I’m on fire and having my HR give me a run for the money is never fun. I don’t know at what point in my day tomorrow, I’ll blog, but I can pretty much guarantee that I’ll be waking up around 6pm.

I filled her in on the problems Aly and I had with her when we confronted her about the nasty “questions” she would ask on Ask about a decade ago and was surprised that Carol didn’t know about it because we both messaged her about the situation one time and she actually took Kim’s side.

We talked about the way she would create and delete accounts and impersonate both celebrities and people she knew. She mentioned June and other problems she’s had that I was aware of and says the reason Kim says she doesn’t have any disabilities is that, to her, she doesn’t have any. Kim is just being Kim and what she perceives as normal.

She functions at the level of a 5-year-old. On the flip side, she can be surprisingly clever at times. She said if you give her a number or a date, she’ll remember it for life. I guess that explains why she never forgets my birthday while my friend of 47 years never remembers, LOL.

She mentioned how she figured out how to get online through the smart TV, another thing I was aware of. This was before Aly died.

The funny and surprising part was all the phones Carol confiscated from her closet after tearing her room apart one day. The amazing thing was that they all had service! Neither of us could guess how she got ahold of them. I can’t imagine Aly sent them because you would think Kim wouldn’t be alone when opening packages. I’m guessing she got them through people she worked with.

She has no browser on the phone she uses now. And we both agree that letting her back onto social media would be a bad idea. She’ll never change. She may not revert back to her old ways overnight, but eventually, she’d get there. She’d spend every waking moment she had hounding the shit out of whoever she became obsessed with or pissed at and she’d go right back to impersonating people. She’s clearly obsessed with attention and even she said she hated that she didn’t get the attention she wanted when she used to be online.

After our chat, she followed up with a text thanking me for calling and asking that I let her know if Kim seems to be doing something she shouldn’t in order to keep her from harassing anyone and to help keep her safe.

I guess one time she divulged sensitive information that she shouldn’t have. Kim is very gullible and easy to manipulate, just like Molly. Actually, worse than Molly.

Kim shared a picture of her latest haircut which makes her look like a lesbian, LOL. She got a man cut for sure!

Helen texted me wanting to bump our appointment up to the next day, same time. I said that was fine and apologized for taking so long to get back to her and let her know that I had a bad night last night.
This week’s VZ challenge has me going from Ecuador to Thailand to Alaska to Kaori Island.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 21, 2023
I’m kind of having a shitty day today. First, I’m tired because I slept shitty. Second, Irma’s place is for sale. That explains the picture-taking I saw.

Not happy. Not happy at all. Kind of surprised, though, because I thought if anyone would go first, it would be Toni because she’s disabled. I’m surprised she isn’t in assisted living already.

I reached out to Irma and told her that I understand she may not have much control over this but a quiet neighbor is important to me, so while I will miss her as she was a great neighbor, I would really appreciate someone over there without a motorcycle or a noisy dog. She said she would do what she could although agreed that it may not be in her control.

I asked why she was selling and she said that the long drive is getting to be too much for them. She also said she understood where I was coming from because she’s a light sleeper too and the dogs down the street bark all night. So she must be hearing the same ones I hear, although they’re not bothersome to me because they’re not loud enough.

She also said that if they don’t sell this year they’ll return for one more year. I hope she does! The economy isn’t doing so great right now and houses aren’t selling well, but you never know if there’s someone like us with limited money that has to grab the cheapest place they can as quickly as they can that’s suitable enough without really settling. Either way, I knew this day would come. I was just hoping it would be another 5-10 years before they left. Better yet, I hoped we would be gone before then. It’s looking likely, however, that by the time they do sell, we’ll know if we’re gonna be here for life or not.

They’re asking 58K for their place and selling it furnished as is. We were surprised to find that they have many of the same pieces of furniture we have which tells us that the furniture came with the house. We’ve never heard of furniture coming with a new house! There were only a few pieces that were different, and they have a nicer hutch than we do. They don’t have an over-the-stove microwave or a dishwasher, though, and they have a coil stove. Nicer floors, too.

I’m not as worried about circular saws as I would be if this was California but I’m definitely worried about barking first and motorcycles second. Also, if I could hear the TV from the guy across from next door at the old place, I can just imagine how annoying they could be if they blast their TV or music being less than 15 feet away. As I learned, you can’t complain to an office even in a park like this unless you want to be spited or blown off completely. So we’re stuck with whatever we end up with.

If they are into power tools, they don’t have much room in the driveway to work but if they did projects there or in the laundry room on the other side of their place, I would still hear it over here because they’re so close. Same goes for in the back. Hell, I can hear their AC running back there! Sexist or not, I hope there won’t be any male neighbors because they tend to be the noisier ones.

The honker’s company only stayed for one night. Never thought I would say this, but I’m not sure I would like it if he moved now that I know his habits and the fact that he only rides the motorcycle on average of once a week and his dogs rarely bark. We could get someone over there with a motorcycle that’s used daily and with dogs and isn’t so quiet if he left, though he’s a lot younger so I don’t see him leaving for a good 15-20 years.

Some of the plants I planted that I put outside are sprouting. I think I’ve got thyme, lavender, chives, and parsley in that thing, so since they look very different, we should be able to tell which is which when they grow some more.

Oh, I can’t wait till tomorrow! I’ll be calling Kim’s sister Carol. My curiosity finally won out and I messaged Carol last night. I told her I wanted to understand Kim better and brought up the extreme forgetfulness. I mentioned that Aly and I knew she had trouble speaking and that she had participated in the Special Olympics. Yet whenever we would ask what disability she had, she would say she didn’t have any. I told her I hoped I wasn’t offending her and to please keep my message a secret because I didn’t want Kim to feel her trust was betrayed or to feel offended as well.

Carol assured me she wasn’t offended at all and that there was a lot to explain but would be easier over the phone. She said she’s busy between running a business and caring for her mother and Kim as well as her own kids and then planning her upcoming wedding. Wow, taking care of her own kids? I thought they were grown but Kim did say something about her niece and or nephew staying with them.

Anyway, she promised to keep our chat a secret and said she wouldn’t keep me on the phone too long and was free all day tomorrow, and I could call between 11:00 and 8:00. Can’t wait to settle my curiosity and find out what makes Kim tick! I know I’ll wish Aly was alive so I could relay what I learn to her.

Later…
I think I had one of those silent migraines he sometimes gets. My vision started not so much as flickering, but shimmering in the shape of a C. Ocular migraine was the first thing that came up in a search, although it could also be a precursor to a stroke. I don’t have any pain or other symptoms. It only lasted for about 15 or 20 minutes, so I’m not worried.

I am hella hypo now. I had no idea cutting my waiting time to 15 minutes two days in a row would have this much of an impact. But the scale is a dead giveaway. I’m back to gaining weight from 2 bites of food and having to really watch it. My metabolism is so sluggish that even if I don’t eat for a few hours, I’m still holding my weight. I’m a bit cold too. I actually woke up cold during one of the times I woke up. My face looks like a fucking basketball. It’s really sad that my only choices are to be hypo and feel good physically and emotionally, or not be hypo and feel like shit physically and emotionally. It isn’t just the waiting time, but my own stupidity. I’ve been eating too much junk lately. I need to go back to getting more fresh stuff that isn’t going to have as much sodium in it. I just hope that this is an ideal dose for me! I know it’s not going to put me in the normal range, but I really hope that I’m still under 10 in six weeks when I go to the lab. I just can’t afford to carry any more weight. If I can’t lose, I have to make sure I don’t gain. I’m sick of playing this game, but there’s no denying the connection. Being in the normal range may take some weight off and allow me to get away with eating more but I feel like I’m going to die. It’s just not worth the physical and emotional hell I go through with the anxiety and feeling like I’m on fire and not being able to sleep.

Yesterday was a bad plane day after a few days where they weren’t as noticeable. Then it hit me that when we visited the termite, I never heard any planes and I’m pretty observant. Not at the hotel, not when we were out, and not at her place. I did hear a small plane once when we were talking on the phone. She was sitting out in her lanai and I could clearly hear it through the phone. This is a little surprising because I didn’t think there was any place in this state that wasn’t in a flight path. Jessie probably doesn’t get as many commercial planes as we do, but she does get small plates.

FRIDAY, JANUARY 20, 2023
Today was a pretty good day despite only getting 6 hours of sleep. The skier arrived and it should be a great way to hit the road in VR. The only problem is that I’m a little underpowered because my arms don’t swing as much as I thought they would. The more you move your arms and head, the faster you go down the road you’re “riding.” Holding onto the controllers while holding onto the handles only gets me up to about 40 and I need to hit 120 to be up to full speed. Because there’s a wider stride between my feet than my hands, he’s going to create a holder to attach to the bottom of the skier. I don’t know if it can get me up to 120, but I should be close.

Love how this thing doesn’t have a fixed stride. I just wish we had a bigger house! We have to fold the thing up and shove it to the side if we want to do anything else in that room. When I’m meditating, I’m sitting on the couch so it doesn’t matter. But if I want to golf, box, dance, or play table tennis, it has to be out of the way.

Met with Helen and we didn’t quite talk about what I thought we would talk about. It almost felt more like a social meeting, LOL. She did ask how I was doing and if I was remembering to use the tools I have for when I feel anxious. I told her that although I haven’t felt bad for a month now, I do have my arsenal well stocked and I’m trying to get into the habit of remembering to go to the safe place we created for me at the beginning and ends of my day no matter how I feel.

She was hesitant to discuss certain things, knowing our views are different and all that. But I told her I was open to other people’s opinions and beliefs. As long as no one’s trying to control me, it’s actually pretty fascinating hearing the different ways people look at life as well as a possible afterlife. Being Christian, she believes in God and the whole heaven and hell thing. I told her that for the most part, it’s hard for me to believe what I can’t see. Believing the Eiffel Tower exists even though I haven’t seen it is one thing as opposed to believing in an invisible being. I guess the reason she believes is because of miracles that have happened where people have been healed when they shouldn’t have been and other things. I definitely agree there are some mysteries in the world we can’t explain and I told her about the Phoenix lights. Those soundless circular lights at midnight that didn’t seem to be coming from anywhere.

I know that some people believe that if you kill yourself, you go to hell. But why would any decent God send you to hell for ending your own suffering? You’re suffering so bad that you do what you can to end it and then you get punished for it? That makes no sense.

Then I told her I didn’t see how a good God could be so enabling as to sit back and allow a parent to abuse a child without intervening and she said, “Yeah, but do you want your choices taken away?”

I don’t know that we have as much choice as we’d like to think we have in life. Nobody chooses to die of sepsis at 40 years of age as Aly did.

I kind of see where she’s coming from in some ways, but I don’t think any of us can really know what’s what for sure. So we might as well be ourselves and just use our best judgment. If there is a God, maybe what we think it considers sinful is actually acceptable, and what we don’t consider sinful actually is.

Now this is something very hard to believe, but she says that the brain believes what we tell it. So next time I feel anxious, I should tell myself out loud, “I’m calm, I’m loved, etc.”

I wish this would work but I’ve never been good at brainwashing myself. I mean come on, if I tell myself I’m tall, am I really going to believe it? I’ll try almost anything once though, so it can’t hurt to give it a try the next time it gets me.

She told me to list the traumatic and tough times I’ve been through in the past and make two columns, one for negative and one for positive. I thought we were going to dive into this today, but I guess this way it helps make for a more organized way of tackling things.

But am I really to come up with something positive about my mother? That’s going to be a real challenge! Okay, so maybe a positive in her favor is that she was her own person.

I’ve been separating this place from PB as much as possible, so I can be more open here. My “safe” place in the diary world, LOL. I just don’t want to upset anyone needlessly. Well, I just realized that another person I’ve been communicating with recently on PB is a regular user who creates and dumps accounts faster than I change clothes. There seems to be a few people like that, but I know I should shut up and quit being so judgmental, LOL. Even though I don’t see what one account can do that another can’t. I guess it doesn’t make you a bad person either, does it?

THURSDAY, JANUARY 19, 2023
I finished this week’s challenge yesterday, so now I’m back at Lake Tahoe. Tall pines…wooden cabins…snowcapped mountains…totally not me! LOL. But the good thing about it is that I can leave anytime I want. It still makes for a nice ride. I love seeing places I haven’t been to and even some of the ones I have been to.

It was gorgeous out early in the afternoon. Around 80 degrees and partly sunny. There was a stiff breeze too. As long as I’m awake when they do it, I wish they would hurry up and replace the wooden fence. It would not only look better but might also deflect sound coming from the main road better. In the winter, we can hear vehicles at night, even if it’s nothing like the old freeway. Parts of it got blown down in the hurricane and I can see straight through to the road.

Again the honker has out-of-state visitors. Well, more like out of town, since it looks like the vehicle has an in-state plate. Four people got on the golf cart and headed for the pool for a while. Can’t tell how many people there are but there is at least one kid. A girl of perhaps 8.

Tom said he took the motorcycle out for 10 minutes before I got up, and then turned it on again after he got back and before he covered it.

The PB nut says she’s confident her latest account will “stay put.” Yeah, sure she is. And I’m sure I’ll live forever! I always know that these kinds of statements, along with her New Year’s resolution to come out of her shell, are a joke.

I thought about it and while she may have some good in her, I don’t know this person, and what I have seen smacks of instability. So I’m going to completely ignore her. She’s just not right. She may be a good writer, but normal people don’t act the way she does. Dealing with Kim is enough. I prefer to have everyone else I deal with be sane.

I had a dream that I was still friends with Paula, and she of all people lent me $225 for some reason, though I was determined not to let Tom know about the loan. I considered ghosting her and not paying the money back but knew I would feel guilty, so I didn’t. I was also introducing her to VR.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 18, 2023
I had to try it once so I did. I used the juicer that came with the new slicer and made a small glass of orange juice out of two oranges. It was very easy to do but pulpy. Not as sweet as ready-made orange juice, but no doubt healthier.

It’s warming up again and today is the first day in nearly a week that we ran the AC. We needed it in the car yesterday when we went out to the store.

I’m so excited about the new skier we’re waiting on! Because I knew that was coming, rather than go out walking, I simply hung in back for a few minutes to get my sunlight. I noticed some large paw prints in the sand and he says they’re cats. Yeah, if they’re the mountain lion from my recent nightmare, maybe, LOL. To me, they look like a large dog’s. Really hope no one’s walking their dog back there, though I can’t see why they would.

The remaining petra leaf died, but it will be interesting to see what may pop up once the rainy season arrives since I planted several seeds in that pot. Since it’s right by the steps, I can actually take the combination sprayer and watering bucket and just open the door and give it a quick little shower.

They’re still working on the house next to Sue, and we still can’t figure out what they’re doing. Tom thought they were removing the carport, but who knows?

Anyway, I won’t write much about the skier until we’ve gotten it and used it other than that it’s a Gazelle freestyle glider, and it was $240.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 17, 2023
Had trouble falling asleep last night and didn’t sleep as long or as soundly so I’m not as refreshed today.

Yesterday was another hungry day yet despite all I ate, I’m still the same weight as yesterday. Just wish I knew what was making me so hungry at times! I’ve researched and researched, yet I don’t have any of the conditions that usually bring about hunger. I guess my body just felt it needed to eat that much for whatever reason just like it feels it needs to weigh what it weighs, too much or not. I can’t remember everything I had, but I remember a peach parfait, veggies, a banana, an apple, 3 chicken wings, potatoes, Vienna’s, a cup of noodle soup, a regular candy bar, hot chocolate, and coffee. If I’m remembering everything, sitting back and looking at everything I ate, it doesn’t seem as extreme as it felt. Most of the stuff could pass for meals, sides, and a snack in between. I was active for about 45 minutes, too.

The gallbastard has been mildly annoying today and yesterday. Yesterday, I was considering taking something for it but it didn’t quite get that bad. We got some foods recommended for it, and it does seem that it likes beets because that dulled the cramping. Still, the 30th can’t come fast enough! I just want to know what’s going on and whether or not I’m going to get any real help for this and how long it will take.

My blood sugar was 106 when I got up. Not nearly as bad as 125 but still pre-diabetic.

They’re working on something a few houses down across the street. I hope it’s nothing I can hear in here. So far so good save for some door-slamming. They’ve been doing a lot of work over there. Ugh, now I hear hammering.

I hate it when I can’t understand my own notes. In between entries, I take notes as things cross my mind to write about yet I don’t know what the hell “flag” means. What flag??? Argh!

There are 8 people in the world I could never forgive. My mother, my sister, two nieces, my mother-in-law, the two freeloading bitches that lived next to us in Phoenix, and the judge that wouldn’t do the right thing and say, “Hey, maybe she shouldn’t have written what she wrote and maybe some of it was mean, but she didn’t actually do anything. Suck it up, move on, and let us deal with the real criminals.”

If it were suddenly legal and she magically appeared before my eyes, she’s the only one of those 8 people I would seriously consider torturing and killing. She’s the one that showed up in my dreams last night. Fortunately, the black bitch doesn’t do it very often.

In the dream, Tom and I lived in a huge apartment building on an upper floor. The corridor was very long with about 20 apartments on each side. We were about a third of the way down the corridor. The bitch was about 5 doors further down on our side. She lived alone in a studio. She had a company hire me to clean her place every week or so at a time when she would be out. When I was called for the job, I knew who she was but took it because I also knew we would never see each other.

After cleaning her place for months, for whatever reason, she decided she didn’t need my services anymore, according to my “boss.”

I don’t know how big our place was but her place was small. You entered a medium-sized room where there was a living area set up in front and a bed was in back by the windows. There was a kitchen and a bathroom to the right with the kitchen being in front and next to the living area.

On the last day of cleaning for her, I decided to leave a note on a blank card. I wrote something to the effect of, “Hello, it’s me, Jodi. I’ve been your housekeeper and I’ve known all along who you are. So why did I decide to take the job in that case? Well, because I not only live in the building and found it convenient, but I also needed the money. Lastly, I can get over the past and move on. I’ve treated you the same as any customer, always doing my best and being thorough. Take care.”

I placed the note on her kitchen counter and then, believe it or not, fell asleep on her bed. I awoke in a panic, telling myself to hurry up and get the fuck out of there before she returned. I jumped into my slides and quickly darted down to our place.

Not long after getting back into our place, I heard her shouting angrily. She’d obviously returned in red the note. She was knocking on door after door trying to find out where I lived. Tom and I wouldn’t open the door when she knocked on ours. I didn’t want any confrontations that may turn violent and I liked the idea of her guessing where I was and trying to find me.

In real life, I don’t know if she would try to find me like that but she would certainly be furious. Also, I would never clean her place or do shit for her, and what she did to my husband and me is something one never “gets over.” Maybe some people can but I just don’t move on from that sort of thing. Throwing her in a story and killing her was beneficial in a way that it did help curb some of my anger and will be published in the future, but still, if she came knocking on my real-life door…

I just remembered what “flag” meant. If I’d added the word “argument” after it, I wouldn’t have gotten confused. Well, I swear I’m embarrassed for some people at times with the way they act like children. In the park group, someone posted a picture of what they thought was a flag that was either thrown by someone’s house or that had blown up against it. Turned out it was really a blanket, but still. Many people chimed in with how it was such a disgusting disgrace to the flag and all this crap. I was thinking, OMG, It’s a fucking object, people! A non-animate material thing. Not a living, breathing thing with any kind of awareness. Regardless of what it may symbolize, people put too much value on material things. My wedding band is very important to me, but it’s still an object and it would suck but not be the end of the world if I ever lost it. But these folks acted like it was such a huge sin that somehow affected them personally and in such a detrimental way. I wanted to share my two cents anonymously, but they disabled anonymous posting. It’s probably a good thing I stayed out of it anyway. Like those running the group wouldn’t have revealed my identity to some people?

Starting tomorrow, I’m waiting 45 minutes after my med and before coffee. Hopefully, I’ll still feel this good when March gets here!

I just circled the block. I was out for about 8 minutes. Although I didn’t feel as out of breath as yesterday and the sun wasn’t quite as bright (although still very bright), this time I wore my Fitbit and my heart peaked at 170! It dropped really fast, though. Anyway, it’s a beautiful day out there. I would be totally blinded without tinted glasses. I don’t know why my eyes are so sensitive to bright light. My only guess is that I’m indoors a lot. I didn’t start noticing this until Arizona. But then he’s indoors a lot too, so maybe that’s not it. I wonder if I could have mild lupus since I do have some of the symptoms and one is sensitivity to bright light. LOL, Tom doesn’t think so, though, and said we should add parental controls to my devices.

Okay, after working on this entry on and off for 2.5 hours, I should probably edit and post it now.

MONDAY, JANUARY 16, 2023
Last night was the second night in a row that I slept great and got a sleep score in the 90s. The last couple of nights I took 2 milligrams of melatonin instead of 1 and I wonder if that has anything to do with it. I know that the cold weather helps and not having to crank the sound machine up. The hot flashes have been barely existent. If only I liked the cold! We could live in the Midwest. That would certainly thin the crowds too. I bet it would be even cheaper than Florida.

Fitbit says I usually wake up six or more times but I only woke up twice, and I don’t even remember it. I just remember waking up in the end and assuming it was only around 2 in the morning since I crashed at 10 and was surprised to find it was after 6. I woke up feeling the most refreshed I felt in ages.

Getting a 4-tier lipstick holder with 24 compartments to hold my first set of paint tubes. I don’t expect to paint again until I’m back on nights. I prefer to do certain tasks when there are fewer distractions. Even though it’s quiet overall, just a couple of car doors and I’m thrown off course. So when I’m working on things like stories and things that take concentration, I don’t like to have my train of thought disrupted.

In reading back through journals, I found that my dad had gallbladder surgery. He told me this in a letter he wrote me in 2008 but I had forgotten. Yesterday I had no problem but today I’m a little crampy. I’m definitely going to be pissed if I can’t get anyone to remove it even though research shows that’s likely what they’ll want to do.

Yesterday was a prime example of why I could never lose weight no matter how my metabolism was. Early in the day, I became hungry. And then I was lightheaded and weak feeling. I had to eat four times instead of three so I’m up a pound. I lose and regain the same few pounds. It used to be that I could ignore the hunger and it would eventually go away. But now it just persists all day long, and I get lightheaded and feel kind of crappy. I don’t know what makes me so hungry these days, but I have way too many hungry days in order to lose the weight. I just undo what I lose on the days that I’m not so hungry. That’s OK, though. The weight hasn’t killed me yet and this is what I’m used to.

Began this week’s challenge yesterday. Last week, we went to Finland, Indonesia, and California. This week, it’s Ukraine, Scotland, Tasmania, and Rome.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 15, 2023
Between the cold and the nighttime, I slept well. A little over 8 hours and a sleep score of 90. I did get up to pee, though, and I love how I can turn off the sound machine when it’s too late for loud motors and just sleep with the air cleaner. There’s just a slight risk of a copter at that time. Wish it could always be like this!

Tom did a mini beach painting. Not bad for his first try!

Because of my gallbladder issues, I’ve been trying to tame my eating. Winddown time is at about 6:45. So breakfast will be at 7, a snack will be at noon, and my dinner will be at 5. I’m not counting calories, but I’m watching portions. I’ll have cereal and a banana for breakfast, lunch will be Vienna’s, and dinner will be tilapia with rice and veggies. I may have a handful of blueberries throughout the day.

Tom wants to get his weight blood sugar and blood pressure on the 1st and 15th of the month. He’s off to a horrible start at 279 pounds. He’s got to change his eating habits. The thing is, he hates everything and doesn’t cook. He lives on nothing but processed food.

I’m 159, but because of my thyroid, I don’t expect to get more than a pound or two lower. My blood pressure is slightly high now. I haven’t checked my blood sugar yet. I know losing weight would help with blood pressure, blood sugar, cholesterol, fitness, mobility, and pretty much everything. But even if I was suddenly able to do that, I still worry about the med.

I was a little surprised to find my resting HR has been between 84-86 this last week, but then lately I’ve only been wearing the Fitbit to bed. I don’t feel like it’s been racing. For the next 2 days, I will cut my waiting time to 15 minutes before coffee, and then it’s 45 minutes every day, and hope for the best! If I’m in the single digits and feeling good when lab time comes, I am not tweaking my dose.

Tom just came in and said he knew why his weight was up. He forgot to take his blood pressure medication yesterday. He said that also explains why his blood pressure is through the roof. He took it three times and it said he was 158/90. So he’s kind of waterlogged right now.

It’s strange that I dream of us in big, old houses so often these days. A reflection of my longing for a bigger place? A sign of a bigger place to come in the future? Either way, we were in a three-story house that was so huge that it was almost like a mini apartment building. We were letting someone rent or stay on the 2nd floor for a while.

There was a white dog in the neighborhood that barked all the time and I was pleased to know that the guy staying with us wasn’t the only one annoyed by it. I asked if he was going to say something about it, and he said he was going to do something to the owners, although I don’t remember what. Whatever it was seemed to be more about revenge than fixing the actual problem so I wasn’t sure it was a good idea.

Then I was in a house that looked like my childhood home. A salesman came around and laid out some stuff I wasn’t interested in in the living room and I got creepy vibes from him. I managed to usher him to the door, saying that my husband would be home soon and we would discuss things and get back to him. As soon as I got him out the door, I quickly locked it. But the bad feeling lingered so I made sure both the front and back doors were locked and hoped he couldn’t pry the basement hatchway open. I caught sight of the guy lurking about the house rather than getting in his car and leaving and woke up debating whether or not I should call the cops, do nothing and wait, or go out and confront the guy.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 14, 2023
I guess “I’ll just lay down for a few minutes” really meant “I’ll take a nap.” I woke up kinda tired at 2:00 anyway, so I’m not too surprised. My sleep score was slightly low for me.

No pain or nausea after eating or now. I sure felt bad earlier, though. Yesterday was the same as after Red Lobster with nausea, cramps, and acid reflux. The only things I can guess that might have contributed to it were the nuts and the crackers I had yesterday. Usually, I sleep these things off when I have a problem but when I woke up, I noticed I was still a bit crampy and nauseous.

I messaged my docs and asked why I wasn’t sent directly to a surgeon since we know from the HIDA results that my gallbladder is low-functioning and needs to be removed. I just worry it’s going to be weeks or even months before the gallbastard is removed and my symptoms relieved. They said it pretty much had to do with insurance and the fact that my ultrasound didn’t show anything dangerous that would be considered an emergency. We talked about possibly going to the ER or urgent care, but since it wasn’t like I was doubled over in pain and unable to walk, I decided to just wait and look for ways to help myself. So between our research and a link they sent me, I’ve got a list of foods to avoid and foods good for gallbladder disease.

Some of the things that don’t help are that I haven’t been active enough lately (lol, too addicted to painting) and that I’m fat. I can’t lose weight, but I can certainly move my ass more and watch what I eat. No more snacks for a while! When I’m not outdoors, I’m going to make a point of doing 5-minute walking/jogging sessions on the treadmill when the weather isn’t suitable for outdoor activity. I need to build up my endurance, so I’ll start with doing 5 minutes a day for a week where I alternate between walking and jogging. The week after that, I’ll do it at the beginning and end of my day. The week after that, I’ll do it at the beginning, middle, and end of my day. I think 15 minutes is enough because I’m active with other things.

I will also work my core every other day and try to watch what I eat. Cut my portions too. My goal is a meal at the beginning of my day, a piece of fruit in the middle, and a second meal at the end of the day. I had chicken wings, veggies, and peaches. When I got up, I had a banana. I’m going to try not to eat until a few hours before bedtime, and then I’ll have noodle soup and Vienna’s.

I’m still hesitant to lose weight, even if I could do so easily enough and keep it off because I worry about how it may affect how my meds affect me, as I’ve said before. I suppose it wouldn’t hurt me to try to lose a few pounds.

My third session with Helen was about finding a “safe” place. That’s a place you create in your mind be it a beach, the woods, a desert, or whatever. I’m to go there when I’m feeling anxious and she also wants me to get in the habit of going to “Rainbow Beach” at the beginning and end of my day.

I also read her Aly’s letter.

From here, we’re going to go through a timeline of the events that were the most traumatic for me. My childhood, what happened in Arizona, and the 3 most terrifying moments of my Cali life.

If I’m still on the Do Not Call list, why are the sales calls back again? I’m not getting half a dozen to a dozen a day, but I’m getting more than I have been.

We just got a pack of lighters and then I found I had a couple in one of the desk drawers. I gotta start taking inventory of stuff because I just can’t remember shit. The smaller the place, the harder it is to find things too. I’ve been wanting to arrange stuff anyway, now that we’ve been settled in. When a miracle happens and I have energy and no pain, I want to rearrange the stuff in the bathrooms, kitchen hutch/white cabinet drawers, my closet, and the desk drawers.

FRIDAY, JANUARY 13, 2023
Hmm… I wonder what’s up with the picture-taking next door. The other day, I noticed someone take a picture of the house from the street and then walk off. Yesterday I saw Irma taking pictures with a tablet. I really hope to hell they’re not getting ready to sell! But if we are here for life, then sooner or later we will get newcomers over there. The way retirement communities have gone from being about peace and quiet to being with people your own age, I would be very worried about what we may end up with over there. Motorcycles? Yappy mutts?

I don’t understand why the garbage collectors don’t grab bins from both sides of the street at once rather than making a second pass to get the other side. I can see that you have to go back down the street with the trucks that have arms that reach out to grab the containers. But when you have people jumping off the back, they should be able to hit both sides at once. I would think that would not only cut down some of the racket but also get them out of here quicker.

Andy is a hard one to figure at times. He told me he doesn’t like to discuss health issues because the subject upsets him. Therefore, I haven’t mentioned needing my gallbladder removed. Last night, however, I did mention that I might be out of it for a day or two after having it removed. Then he got all worried, saying it’s big news, and he’s been googling to learn more about it. As I told him, I would have told him what was going on, but I was only respecting his wishes after he told me that medical talk upsets him. He felt bad for falling asleep on me and didn’t want me to feel like he was blowing me off, but I didn’t feel that way at all. If he’d remained silent after telling him that I was having surgery without even a simple “good luck,” then I would have felt offended. I told him not to worry, and that it was actually a common procedure. It’s still nice to know that a person you consider a close friend cares. I know he wouldn’t want anything bad to happen to me and that it would really affect him if anything did.

I did an ocean painting on a mini canvas yesterday. Can’t say I’m too impressed with how it came out. As cute as the multi-colored little buckets are, they were a waste of money because they’re too small. They’re OK if I need to have my brush wet for a particular painting, but otherwise not good for rinsing. It’s better to just get up and rinse brushes in the sink.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 12, 2023
I have a ganglion cyst on my inner wrist. It’s completely harmless and barely noticeable. Another person would never notice it, and it’s hard to notice it myself. But because I’m very observant and notice subtle changes, I noticed. My first thought was that it was a bug bite of some kind but then I realized it wasn’t. I can see and feel that it’s not upon closer inspection. It has to do with fluid buildup from the joints. They’re benign and often resolve on their own. But don’t you worry. I’m sure I’ll lose another body part soon enough. Along with acquiring some new disease I can’t treat, of course. Can’t wait to see if gallbastard removal ups my energy levels and downs the stabbing spells but I have a feeling I’ll be disappointed as usual.

I’m a little tired today after last night’s nightmare. I was a wanted fugitive. I don’t know what for but it must have been pretty serious because we were trying really hard to hide me and ended up in Seychelles, of all places. I jumped off a rock and into the clearest water ever.

Then we were home and some huge, alien-looking vehicle pulled up in front that I knew was law enforcement and I was terrified because Tom was out on some errand at the moment.

Anyway, my gallbladder isn’t bothering me today but yesterday it bothered me enough to have to take something for it.

I now have side-swept bangs instead of straight down or parted in the middle and I kind of like this look.

Ran out to the dollar store yesterday and got this cute little toy rat. I love all things rodents.

“Michigan and California institutions ban the word ‘field’ as racist.”

You gotta be fucking kidding me. Is anything not racist these days?

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 11, 2023
I finally have an appointment at the end of the month! My only concerns are that it may take months before the gallbastard is finally removed, and then there’s the fear of them not wanting to remove it at all. I can’t see the last one being likely, though, because that seems to be the only solution and I’m in a lot of discomfort. I get crampy and nauseous, and there’s a whole lot of gurgling going on.

I worry that after I see the GI doctor and then am referred to a surgeon, there will be a pre-op appointment as well as a consultation before the actual surgery. So I could be looking at three appointments before the damn thing is removed. I don’t know exactly how it works. I don’t even know why I have to go to a GI doc and why I can’t go straight to a surgeon since they have the damn HIDA results.

I’ve also found conflicting information. Some sources say gallbladder removal is major surgery and a last resort for doctors. Also, expect to be in the hospital for a few days. Other sources say it’s relatively quick, minor, and very common, and you usually go home the same day.

I was able to get caught up on sleep, even though he came in on the motorcycle while I was asleep. I heard him leave, though. Tuesdays at 10:30 seems to be a common time for him to take off.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 10, 2023
I expressed my frustration to my docs over the referral issues. They were very apologetic and referred me to another doctor in Lutz and said he had an appointment available as early as Thursday morning. So in a couple of hours, I’ll call the office and no doubt get the usual run around. That is assuming I can get a hold of anyone in the first place.

I’m totally exhausted today. Getting a little lightheaded now, too. Yesterday, I had great energy and was very productive. But I didn’t sleep long enough last time around. I don’t know why this happens so often but it does.

I finished a painting yesterday on the small canvas. I think it’s a 5x7 canvas. It came out well but I don’t see myself ever getting that good. The painting was based on a YouTube tutorial vid of flowers against a blue sky.

We’ve got some more canvases and an easel coming for bigger ones. I also ordered some chalk and tiny buckets for water to hang on the hook in the center of the easel. The little buckets are colorful, and the easel is kind of colorful too as each of the poles is a different color.

The chalk is good for outlining things you want to paint. I didn’t know you could use chalk on painted canvas. I’m following a woman named Michelle who has a painting channel and is very talented. She shows you how to do a painting called Spotlight Ballerina and I wanted to try that next but realized I should gain some more experience before I jump into that one. She uses a primed and stretched 20x16 canvas. I think I should start smaller, though. So we ordered a pack of flat canvases in a variety of sizes. I think I’ll look for tutorials depicting scenes I’d like to paint based on the size of the canvases and slowly work myself up bigger and bigger.

Tom grabbed a new pack of shirts. They’re just cheap T-shirts for hanging around. His last set was all bright blue. This one has dark colors of navy, charcoal and red.

I could kick myself for using cheap dye because my hair is fried and thinner. Once again, I am going to try to convince myself not to dye it for a while and will probably cut it soon enough to get the damaged hair gone. When I do go back to dyeing it, I’m definitely going to use the more expensive stuff that’s not so harsh on my hair.

Poor Tom stabbed himself in the hand with a fork yesterday when he was poking holes in his potato. His skin is so thin that he bleeds easily. I’m glad I was there to help him get a band-aid on. Especially with his essential tremor. He learned that if he ever has problems eating, they have weighted silverware. The thing is, if he holds his hands out with nothing in them, they shake. But if he weighs them down with something, they don’t. His left side is worse than his right.

We were going to go out to the store this morning, but I’m way too tired. Since Wal-Mart loves to discontinue things, we go to the dollar store for low-sodium Vienna sausages until they stop selling them there as well.

The honker’s visitors left a few days ago. I’m surprised he hasn’t ridden the motorcycle since then. The lady in front of us down the street rides hers but not every day. She’s not a threat to my sleep anyway. Just annoying when she revs it.

Tom did see a guy head down the street on a loud one a couple of days ago. I think I know who he’s talking about too. I don’t know that this person lives here, though. I still play the sound machine louder when I’m sleeping during the daytime, just to be safe. I hate having to do that but it’s looking more and more that despite my vibes, we’re not moving.

He said the horses did terribly yesterday. I still say he’s dreaming and that downloading the spring data (he wants all seasons) isn’t going to help or change anything, and our best bet is to just get on with things like completely soundproofing the bedroom, redoing the floors and adding additional counter and cabinet space in the kitchen. Can’t enlarge the living room, but we can make other improvements.

Do I like the fact that I’m going to spend the rest of my life in a house that isn’t as big as I’d like and in a flight path? No, I don’t. But life isn’t usually what we plan or want it to be and things could definitely be a lot worse. I would certainly rather spend the rest of my life here than in our old house, Jesse’s trailer, or the dump we rented in Oregon with just one bathroom. It’s not always easy, but sometimes we just have to accept things, just like I’ve had to accept that I’m very likely going to suffer from anxiety on and off for the rest of my life and I’m never going to lose weight either for a few reasons.

I miss using my vibration platform. So when my energy levels will let me, I’m going to get back into that. I like the way it makes me feel and the way it tightens and pulls my core in so my clothes fit better.

I wonder if anyone’s ever going to follow me on Tumblr that isn’t a porn bot.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 7, 2023
The phone game frustration goes on! Tom finally got a hold of the doctor and of course they are out of network. He then called the insurance and of course they can’t talk to him without my approval. If I could have been available to give my approval, then I could have made the damn calls myself! He was able to ask them questions in general like how we should handle it if my doctor gives us a referral to a doctor that is out of network. They said the best option is to call my docs (I didn’t know they could be called) and that way we can get it resolved quicker. They did ask which doctor we had a referral for. When they checked their system they said that office should be in network (so it isn’t my doctors’ fault, the computer list is wrong).

Then Jessie told me good luck getting a GI doc because even though it’s an emergency, Belle can’t see one until at least February. No wonder I started having a vibe saying I won’t be going under the knife until late February. I know her daughter had an emergency appendectomy but what other emergency is going on with her, I don’t know. Thank God for urgent care and ERs! Not worried that my gallbladder will turn into an emergency situation, though. I also didn’t realize Belle moved down here. Jess said she didn’t think she would because she doesn’t like hot weather.

The weather is anything but hot now. We’ve got another cold spell on us. We’re having lows in the 40s and 50s.

Said hello to Irma and Richard earlier when I opened the door to check on the plant I put outside. They were heading off somewhere.

They had the AC people out last night at 10:30 and I could hear them rummaging around in back. If they need a new unit, I really hope it isn’t installed when I’m sleeping! They’re way too close!

It was weird because the honker was heading out in his truck and had to have seen her waiting at the end of her driveway, obviously wanting to say hi or whatever. He couldn’t have missed her yet he ignored her completely. His fellow honker and door-slamming visitors are still here. If I read correctly, school starts in Canada on the 11th, so they better hurry up and get going. It’s got to be a 2-3 day drive.

To my surprise, it looks like I’m finally getting some cacti sprouting up amongst the dill which is doing great. Maybe I was underwatering it although I would think cacti wouldn’t need that much water.

The smudge bowl burner came today. It’s a nice abalone shell. Not impressed with the smell of Palo Santo, though.

The new slicer is great. If only it diced too, in various sizes and then I wouldn’t need the rainbow box grater or the two dicers. With limited counter space and cabinets, it’s best to not have as many appliances and utensils.

During a bored moment, I researched Helen out of curiosity to learn what I could about her. Looks like I did a good job of picking older, but I’m not so sure about a non-gay hater. Or is she really a hater? I don’t know how I missed it, but her faith is listed as Christian, and biblically-based Christian counseling is part of her services.

She has a very common name, but how many people with her name could be a therapist in one state? So could she be sitting there thinking, well, I want to help this person with her anxiety and depression but she kissed a girl in the 90s and liked it so it’s too bad she’s going to hell?

She asked me where I thought I might go after I killed myself if I did and I felt as if it was to see if I would say that I was afraid I might rot in hell or something. In reality, I don’t know if there’s any form of punishment for those who kill themselves or others or if people just say that to scare people out of doing those sorts of things.

Tom said she’s not much of a therapist if she cares about that sort of thing, but doubts that she does. I wouldn’t think so either but it’s worth mentioning to her. She’s known all along that I’m bi, so if she really did have a problem with it she could have dropped me.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 5, 2023
We weren’t able to get ahold of the doctor today. I guess this doctor has three different offices in three different locations and no one was working in the one he called. He left a message before I got up, so hopefully they’ll call him back. It’s really gonna piss me off if they tell him he’s not in network. I just want to get the show on the road and get this gallbladder out of me. I’m not in pain, per se, but it definitely makes me uncomfortable at times. I still get intermittent cramping, acid reflux, and mild nausea.

I asked some people on my Facebook profile and the park group if they’ve had their gallbladder removed and what it was like afterward, and most people said it’s no big deal, as expected. What did surprise me was that Becky said she continued to eat the same things after surgery. I thought I would have to cut a lot of different foods out, but maybe only in the beginning.

Irma wished me luck and said, “Your neighbor is here!”

Yeah, we saw. They have a new vehicle too. I like the color better than the other one. We also saw the water company turn their water on.

Made salmon patties for the first time, and they came out okay. Perhaps a little bland, so I think I’ll probably add a little more mayonnaise to the mixture that I have leftover, as well as some garlic salt. All it contains right now besides the salmon and a touch of mayo is flour, cornmeal, green onions, and an egg.

I was supposed to have some of these ingredients yesterday, but Walmart fucked up yet again. They brought us everything but our refrigerated stuff. When he called to get our money back, they promised him it would never happen again and he told them, wow, that’s pretty funny since it’s already happened three or four times.

Of course it will happen again!

For now, I only stuck one of the fake nails on the split nail to hold it together and prevent me from snagging it because it’s so long that it makes functioning hard. I’d hate to have them on every single finger! I’ll put stickers on the other fingers. It might be better to put several layers of nail polish on the torn nail.

I’m a little tired today but not as bad as yesterday. I napped for a little while in the evening. I wonder how much of the fatigue could be connected to my gallbladder, but I don’t dare dream and tell myself that maybe the anxiety is connected to that since I read it can cause anxiety and depression and that I won’t have these spells afterward. Besides, just like Tom and Helen pointed out, it’s likely multiple things causing it. The more I eliminate, the better, though. I’ve done well for a couple of weeks, so hopefully I’ll go longer.

When I was woken up by acid reflux a couple of nights ago, I swear I was in some very real but different world. I don’t remember a damn thing but just the feeling it gave me. It was as if I literally went somewhere that I can only go when I’m asleep. Where I normally remember most of a dream if I wake up during it, this one fizzled out of my memory in seconds, as if I wasn’t meant to remember this place that I can only go to when my mind is asleep. It was the weirdest thing, but kind of cool. It’s a feeling that’s hard to describe but distinct from waking up from the average dream. I’m learning to read my dreams and differentiate between meaningless dreams, dreams that could be a reflection of my life and thoughts, dreams that could be a sign of something, and dreams that could be me slipping into another universe.

Later…

I’m sure there’s a plausible explanation for this, but something really weird happened after I finished Aly’s goodbye letter yesterday that Helen wanted me to write. After ending the letter by saying I hoped we would meet up if there was an afterlife, I turned away from the screen for a split second with speech-to-text still running. When I turned back, the word “OK” was at the end of the letter. No joke. Again, there’s probably a plausible explanation like if I sniffled or coughed or something. In the past, if I’ve hiccuped or burped it’s printed the word “them” or “him.” Not sure how you would get a two-syllable word that doesn’t sound like any noise I would make, though, so let’s just say it was a rather interesting experience that makes me wonder.

I feel like I’ve literally lost half of my hair or more over the years. I know hair loss is common with age and especially menopause, but it seems like a single braid is thinner than what one of two braids used to be way back when.

Trying to get ahold of a GI doctor in a rural area is pretty ridiculous. Tom tried another number today, but he got the same voice message. Tomorrow, he’s going to contact our insurance and find out who the hell we can call that will actually answer us. I’d really like to get the show on the road! I know it’s going to take more than one appointment to get the gallbladder removed. After seeing whatever gut doctor will see me, I will probably have to have a consultation with a surgeon. Upon a quick check of this gut doctor, he doesn’t do that kind of surgery. He shoves cameras up people’s asses and down their throats but doesn’t seem to remove body parts.

The way I felt sick after Red Lobster could probably be blamed on the gallbladder. Now that I think of it, yes, I ate a lot but I’ve pigged out before and didn’t get that feeling. I’ve had big meals at restaurants before and it shouldn’t leave me with such acid reflux and nearly puking.

I’m back down a couple of pounds, so I didn’t go up because of my thyroid but because I was eating too much junk. Based on my calculations, I’m guessing taking five 88s a week and two 75s is going to put my TSH at 6. Not dangerous but not low enough to lose more weight. Hopefully, it will keep the anxiety away, especially if I keep the dose consistent. I think knowing I have Helen also helps. Once I get to the 18th where I have six weeks until lab time, I’m going to increase my waiting time from 30 to 45 minutes. I don’t know if this will affect anything, though it may give me more energy.

He was able to bump my ENT appointment up to February 3rd. My ear definitely needs to be cleaned.

Not sure why it took a year but my old ENT finally turned my records over to Galileo.

I planted a mixture of seeds in the planter that has the single Petra leaf that survived. But then I noticed these tiny, little bugs so I put it outside. Didn’t really want that planter anyway because it’s not self-watering.

The dill is doing great and starting to get that feathery look the ends have.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 4, 2023
Dear Aly,

During our 13 years as cyber friends, we had a lot of fun chatting and sharing experiences, thoughts, opinions, beliefs, and story ideas. Even though your sense of humor was a little dry at times, the things I liked best about you were your intelligence, your great memory, and your maturity. You were way beyond most people your age. We had a lot in common from our love of writing to our liberal ways and many health issues. You really understood the frustration of what I was going through.

Even though you didn’t talk to me for a little over a year at one point, you accepted me as I was and never tried to change me or pressure me into anything. I could always go to you for advice or your opinion on something and know that I would get a very reasonable and well-thought-out response from you.

We didn’t always share the same political views and you weren’t always very honest with me, which you did admit but we sure had a lot of fun and funny moments. Remember when we would have fun trolling Molly? With the way the gullible idiot could really drive us crazy at times by stalking, pestering, and following us from site to site, I can’t deny that some of the things we pulled on her were pretty funny albeit a bit childish. You and I always had a mischievous side anyway.

I miss our online hangouts from Twitter to anonymous Q&A sites to some of the blogging and diary platforms. I also miss our daily check-ins on Skype and WhatsApp. No matter who I meet on or offline, there will never be another Alison P.

I learned many things from you from trivial and mundane things to bigger things. It is a shame we never got to meet. If only COVID hadn’t come along and messed up our plans. More importantly, I wish you had survived your health issues and gotten to live out your dreams and be healthy while you were at it.

I loved you like a sister and I knew you did too. It pained me so to see you suffering one serious health issue after another. Life is so unfair! How is it that so many stupid, abusive, and even murderous people get to be healthy and live to grow old and get so many things they want while a 40-year-old with a good heart and great mind and so much to offer the world has to suffer and die?

I don’t know if your boyfriend Cam was for real or if he was a character you made up because you were lonely and still living with your parents, but I don’t care. I miss the hell out of you and wish you had lived! I would rather you had lived and then dumped me because then I would at least know you were still out there and maybe, just maybe, someday we could reconnect again.

I wonder if there is any kind of afterlife and what it may be like for you if there is. Have you been reincarnated as a human or an animal in this country or another? Are you in another universe completely unaware of this one and the life you lived? Do you somehow know what’s going on in my life and that I made it to Florida? Do you resent the fact that I got to live much longer than you did, or are you happy for me? I hope that if you do go on somehow, you have found what you didn’t get when you lived and that you and I will eventually meet. We’ll have a lot of catching up to do!

TUESDAY, JANUARY 3, 2023
Good grief! First it was someone calling themselves Michelle calling about some kind of tax or loan relief thing, Then she disappeared for a while and someone calling themselves Nick Johnson took over. Now we’re back to Michelle. At least registering my number on the Do Not Call site has reduced the number of calls by about 95%. Obviously, there are still a few people who just don’t care.

The results of my HIDA scan show I have a low-functioning gallbladder. So I’m going to meet with the GI specialist and see if I need it removed. With all the ear surgery I’ve had, I’m not afraid of surgery. If it can relieve my symptoms, I’m definitely ready to go under the knife, LOL. It’s pretty simple these days too, and I guess they go through your belly button. Robotic or laparoscopic surgery or something like that which is minimally invasive. Interestingly enough, biliary dyskinesia can cause anxiety and depression as well as a host of other symptoms. A normal functioning gallbladder is 35% or higher and mine is at 17%. There’s no way to fix it and it could get worse, so I’m guessing it will probably be removed.

It’s a good thing I kept this appointment because I almost canceled, thinking it wasn’t necessary. At first I didn’t think I was going to be able to make this appointment because of my schedule, and then I had a few days where it actually backed up, which it almost never does. I remember having a fleeting feeling that maybe something really wants me to make this appointment.

The only thing that will suck is that my diet is going to have to radically change after surgery. No more fried or greasy foods.

Between Facebook Viewpoints studies, the $25 gift certificate for leaving reviews, and royalty payments, a lot of what we recently got on Amazon was paid for.

I decided to get a new mandolin slicer because this one isn’t good for slicing, as opposed to dicing.

I also got some fake nails in a blue cameo design that will hopefully help with my split nail that just won’t grow out. The glue doesn’t seem to help much. The very edge still snags on things. So I figured that rather than wrap it in a band-aid, I’ll just slap on some press-on nails. The backs of them snag my hair when I’m shampooing it or if I scratch my scalp, but I’d rather my hair get pulled than my nail get snagged.

The last thing I’m getting is a smudge-burning bowl. I watched some videos and found that I didn’t smudge myself properly the last time around. I wasn’t supposed to keep it bundled, and I wasn’t supposed to put it out. You’re supposed to unpack it and put it in a bowl or something loosely, then light it and let it burn out on its own. I need to do it more often in order to get the medicinal benefits from it to purify our home and myself from negative energies.

The bowl comes on a stand and includes a smudging feather. Now I know why the witchcraft kit contained a peacock feather! It’s to help fan the smoke toward you. You just have to be careful not to inhale it so you don’t cough so much.

It also comes with a couple of healing crystals, a bundle of sage, and a palo santo incense stick.

I don’t know, maybe there really is something to these herbs and crystals because shortly after creating my happy jar spell, things have been better. I think a combination of things is helping, including having Helen. The more tools I have to help me, the merrier.

The only negative things I’m feeling today, although it’s minor in comparison, are annoyed and tired. On New Year’s Eve and the 1st there were fireworks/firecrackers that got kind of annoying. I can see doing it on New Year’s Eve, but the 1st?

There have been more motorcycle annoyances around here lately as well. Places always get noisier that I move to until I’m about ready to leave them so it’s no surprise. I’m sure that when the honker leaves, there will be something else. Maybe the mutt will bark more or a new dog will move in somewhere close enough to be annoying.

I’m lucky I wasn’t woken up on Tuesday because not only did I sleep through the garbage trucks, but Tom said a cement truck was a couple of houses down pouring concrete to widen someone’s driveway. Not for yet another motorcycle, I hope!

The honker didn’t wake me up because I woke up to pee, but when I did, he went out on his motorcycle at about 10:30 and returned at 4. Also, the lady behind him has been in and out on her motorcycle with a friend and that gets old as well. Fortunately, they don’t get too close to our place.

So much for thinking that having out-of-state visitors would keep the honker off the motorcycle because they’re still here. I get the impression that it might be Kari’s brother or sister. They’re welcome to leave now so I don’t have to listen to the door slamming. It’s not too often, but the guy is definitely weird. He pulls in, gets out, shuts the door, opens the door behind him, closes it, opens the driver’s door again, closes it, then opens it a third time a second later. He couldn’t just leave the driver’s door open until he got everything out of it he needed?

So all three panels are back on the back side of the “doghouse,” especially with Irma on her way back any day now. Who knows what kind of power washing and other projects I may have to listen to right outside the bedroom? Sometimes I really do miss country living!

Just an hour into my sleep, acid reflux woke me up which is another symptom of a low-functioning gallbladder. I had to sip some water to soothe my throat so I knew my bladder would wake me up too soon. I managed to doze off for nearly an additional hour after that but then I was woken up by a nightmare. I must have lived close to the beach because I walked about a block, made a little turn, and there was the water. I swam about 25 feet from shore when I got caught in a riptide. I was screaming for help, but the people who were hanging out by the shoreline just stood there looking at me dumbly as if I wasn’t even there.

MONDAY, JANUARY 2, 2023
Had my second meeting with Helen and was just telling Tom about it until the redneck let his dog distract and interrupt my conversation with a barking fit. Sometimes I think about messaging him again, but you can’t make people give a shit. Also, when I complain, it seems to bother his girlfriend more than the barking bothers me. I guess I still care more about people’s feelings than I should. Especially when it comes to those I have to live with. I don’t want to offend anyone and make trouble on the homefront unless it’s absolutely necessary. There comes a point when you stop caring but I’m not to that point unless they let the dog bark longer and more often. How can you say it gets on your nerves and not do anything about it, though? He can’t Google up some tips and pointers on barking?

Now I’ll cover everything I remember from my one-hour discussion with Helen. She suggested I do a thing called square breathing when I feel anxious. I’m starting to roll onto nights, so I’m getting a little worried that those negative feelings are going to return. For now, I’m still doing okay overall but yesterday I was kind of just there for a few hours.

With square breathing, you picture a square, and you imagine you’re at the top of it. Then you inhale for four seconds. Next, you picture one side of it as you exhale for four seconds and repeat the steps on the bottom and the other side of the square. I’m aware of this technique for calming anxiety as well as this thing that resets the Vagus nerve. That one involves turning your head toward the right and glancing toward the right. You hold your head and your eyes in that position for three minutes, and then you repeat on the left side.

When I was telling her how frustrating it was to not know exactly what all the causes of my anxiety were, she said that I may never know. I guess what’s most important is how we deal with it. Trauma is stored in a layer underneath the muscles but she says no one is unfixable. As I told her, I just want to get back to my old self. Not my 20-something self of course, but the me that didn’t have this degree of anxiety and depression.

We talked about distracting myself from the anxiety and finding ways to not run from it but not dwell on it. As she said, I am dealing with it. So it’s not like I’m trying to ignore or run from it, not that this thing couldn’t let me ignore it to begin with. The thing is that while I have plenty of things to do to keep me busy, that doesn’t mean that my mind can’t wander while I’m doing most of these things. Diamond drilling, for example, is a relatively mindless task that is simply repetitive and takes time, but doesn’t keep my mind from going wherever. Even most of the things I do in VR allow my mind to wander, including jewelry making. I showed her the bracelet I made that I wore as an example, and she asked if I made my necklace too. I did, actually. I’m wearing one of the colored waxed cords with a crystal pendant. Anyway, the only activities that require a little more focus are when I’m writing, watching TV/movies, or listening to audiobooks.

Somehow, we ended up on the subject of role-playing when she mentioned being more creative and imaginative to help when times are tough. I would absolutely love to be able to drown myself in that as a distraction from reality when reality gets that bad. But the thing is, I can’t “trick” myself. I’m not 10 years old anymore, so I can’t make pretend games seem more fun and believable. It’s also not the same when you don’t have any wild fantasies you would just love to have become a reality. I don’t want to be a rock star. I don’t want to be friends with celebrities. I don’t want to be a magical fairy. I don’t want to be an alien living on some unheard-of planet. As I said, I would love to be able to drown myself in a world of make-believe, fantasy, and delusion but I’m just not able to do that.

How does one get trauma out of their body? I asked her, and she said that basically, you do that by focusing more on positive things. Maybe if I change my way of thinking and find a way to stop the negative thinking, the what-ifs, and all the future things that could go wrong, it would help. It certainly couldn’t hurt. The problem is that it’s very hard to control my thoughts at times.

As I thought it might, the subject of engaging in my community came up and as I told her, neither of us is sociable. I’m just not into people, even though I do have a variety of people I keep in touch with online. The thing is that people tend to have expectations I can’t always meet. They come to expect you to be around at certain times when you can’t be if you’ve got this kind of sleep disorder. I noticed this back in the other park when I went to the clubhouse for aerobics. It was almost like they expected me to be there every week, and then I would feel pressured to explain why I couldn’t be. I didn’t want to get into things that were none of their business and probably way over their heads but I didn’t want to feel like I was lying either.

I just don’t have any patience or tolerance for those who are judgmental, stupid, dishonest, and non-accepting. Helen asked at what point in life I came to start pulling away from those I felt were toxic. Well, the older I get the less tolerant I become of toxic people. I think the more experiences I’ve had with people like that, the quicker I am to recognize toxicity, and therefore, I do what I can to avoid them.

I told her that my own sister bashed one of my books in the name of revenge and so I started using a pen name, preferring to have a completely unbiased audience. So sometimes it’s better to keep things separate. I hesitate to get too close to the people here, God forbid have a problem with one of them, and then have to live with them.

When we were discussing death, dying and suicide and all that, she asked where I thought I would go after I died. And as I told her, I have no idea. I don’t know if there’s a heaven, a hell, someplace we simply float about, reincarnation, or nothing at all, the latter of which I hope is the case. I said that if there is anything at all, the multi-universe theory seemed the most plausible, in my opinion, then she asked what I would want that universe to be like if I could suddenly slip into another universe without the anxiety and depression. This would depend on how old I was and what my health was like and my living situation.

What makes me feel good? she asks. These days, I simply feel good when I don’t feel bad. In other words, I’m just very grateful for the days that I feel no anxiety and depression. And also when we do things we don’t normally do like the other day when we went down to Tampa and then to Red Lobster after my appointment. I told her about going to Orlando and how I won cruises to other countries years ago, but that the older we get and the more things we do, the less exciting these things become.

When I was telling her about how dark my thoughts sometimes get she was reminding me that I’m valuable and how it would hurt people if I died. I do get what she’s saying to a degree. I don’t know about valuable since no one depends on my survival but I can see where our loved ones and those we’re close to would be left with a mixture of grief, guilt and maybe even anger. Yet when I’m at my worst, it’s hard not to want to put myself first and do what I’ve got to do for my own self.

The last thing we talked about was Aly. I told her about our friendship, how we were going to meet before she died, and how much I miss her. I don’t think I’ll ever get over her and move on but as she said and as Tom agreed, you don’t just get over things like that or “move on.” She will always have been a part of my life and my memories.

Helen said there are different stages of grief, and sometimes we get stuck on one of those stages. She wants me to write a goodbye letter to Aly which I’ll read to her on the 13th. I’ll be wearing the necklace she made me in late 2020.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 1, 2023
I wasn’t going to do an entry today but then I decided, why not? Just don’t have much to update on. Starting off the year in a good headspace emotionally although I was a little worried earlier because I was kinda just there for a while.

My buddy Kim and I have been chatting about current stuff as well as reminiscing about old times.

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Last updated May 31, 2024