April 2022 in 2020-2024

SATURDAY, APRIL 30, 2022
Just got back from the store. Still have middle back pain every day and I have no clue what’s causing it. What’s weird is that not even ibuprofen, ice, or the heating pad helped it.

The latest recipes I’ve tried were zucchini fritters and veggie soup. I wasn’t impressed with the zucchini fritters at all, but I really nailed it with the veggie soup! Just gotta use fewer diced tomatoes and more vegetable broth next time.

Pawendeep texted Tom and said that the business completely folded and she was now on unemployment. We’re not surprised. We knew they were going under. I’m actually surprised it took this long. They should move here. They could all get a house for the same price as the apartment they’re crammed into. Well, they could if they went to a park. It would just have to be an all-ages one.

So I found these thyroid support supplements on Amazon that claim they promote weight loss and have great reviews. Some people said it didn’t help them, but many did. It’s supposed to help with more than that. It’s supposed to help with all the major symptoms of being hypo. The supplements contain all-natural ingredients. People on the same medication take it. People feel that even with normal numbers, it’s not enough. Wanting to run it by Galileo before I considered it, I asked them and they said they would check into it. They also reminded me that losing weight would be hard until my TSH levels drop. This is true, and I realize there’s no point in trying to lose weight now. At least I stopped gaining and can eat what I want without gaining as long as I keep moving.

Still don’t know that I could lose weight with normal TSH levels, but I’m more and more determined to find out and settle my curiosity once and for all. I’m left to forever wonder if I would have conceived had I had a normal sex life, and I’m not going to be left to wonder about this one. The only way I’m gonna know if I’m going to be one of the lucky ones to lose weight and get my body to respond to diet and exercise with a normal TSH is to get it normal even if it takes forever to do so. I’m going to get it as low as I can stand for my fears have turned to anger. Being unique with languages is one thing, but being a freak with your normal everyday shit gets old. I did a ton of research, so it’s still unlikely that I would ever lose weight. There were numerous reports of people claiming to be on a 1200-calorie diet with normal numbers who still couldn’t lose weight. Again, the medication is a treatment and not a cure. Some lose weight, but most don’t. I trust that my body will do whatever it’s meant to do. Whatever my body feels comfortable weighing, it will. All I can do is treat it. The rest is out of my hands.

FRIDAY, APRIL 29, 2022
Message I sent Jess that I thought would make a good entry…I struggle with, well, just being normal. OK, so I know that being normal is overrated at times and that some people wish they weren’t oh-so normal, but sometimes being different gets old too.

I can’t take the full amount of thyroid medication my body needs and I don’t know that I ever will. I can’t treat my high cholesterol and therefore I may never reach an advanced age. I can’t sleep at night every night. I have a driving phobia I never could conquer. I have a deformed ear that looks worse than it did before they dismantled the frame and drilled the canal in 1995 to make sure I didn’t have a tumor when I complained of discomfort (turns out it was the frame and skin that couldn’t shed itself that was trapped inside).

I have a husband I love dearly and wouldn’t trade for the world but had a low appetite and could never perform normally and therefore I had a joke of a sex life back when I had an actual libido before menopause. Although it worked out for the best in the end, I couldn’t conceive when I wanted to because of the DES I was exposed to in utero (a drug mothers at risk of miscarriage were given back in the ’60s). I’ve always believed that a woman should have the right to choose to have a child as well as not to.

But I was denied that and other basic human rights. At least it sure feels like that at times. I don’t know if it’s happenstance or something up there that singled me out and decided to pick on me, but it does suck at times when you’re so unique in a lot of ways. I just try to remind myself that on the flip side, most people will never have someone who loves, gets, and accepts them as they are as I do. I can learn almost any language I want. I’ve written over 50 novels even if some of them are short stories. I got to be a pretty good singer, even though I haven’t had any interest in music in centuries. I learn quickly and can teach myself almost anything. I have been said to be very intelligent in the things I remember, notice, and figure out on my own as long as I stay away from numbers, LOL.

Also, while I would have preferred a career of some kind, at least I never had to worry about evil bosses or coworkers. Nor did we have to deal with the hassles of two vehicles. Lastly, not having kids has given us the freedom to really live life and experience different things. So I’m kind of caught in a tug of war. I’m glad things worked out the way they did, but I hate not having more freedom of choice. When a person has no freedom or the ability to choose things that greatly impact them, it really sucks.

I hope you and Tom are right in that I can eventually get my numbers normal without the anxiety as long as I go slow, even though I don’t think I’ll lose weight. No amount of busyness can get a pound to budge with me LOL. It’s OK though. I know I would be healthier if I lost a little, but I spent most of my youth skinny, I had my skinny days, so I don’t mind spending the rest of it on the fat side. Most older mammals pack on weight with age anyway.

THURSDAY, APRIL 28, 2022
Looks like the influencer might be bringing some real rain soon enough! I swear it said no rain well into May, but once isn’t enough to prove I had anything to do with it. I’m going to try to influence it again as well as other things. IDK, maybe it is something I can practice, improve and control to a degree. If so, you bet I’m gonna work on those lotto numbers! And definitely my thyroid.

Yeah, that’s the bad news. Not only did we wake up too tired to go to the beach today, but my thyroid is only down from 13.00 to 12.52. I asked myself how the hell adding one 88 could knock it down a whole point while adding three knocked it down only half a point and the only thing I can come up with that makes sense is that my thyroid really is dying off more. So fucking frustrating! I’m never gonna have normal numbers. Never. Some things really aren’t meant to be. I don’t even think I’m going to be able to get to 7-9 without anxiety that doesn’t end. As always, though, how I feel is more important than the numbers. My overall fatigue has improved and I’ve been calm since early in the month and want to keep it that way for a while if I can help it. Increasing my dose too much too fast makes me way too anxious. I still have to go up in small increments, but 12 isn’t overly high. The only thing I worry about with continuously low thyroid is developing a goiter, but I haven’t yet, so maybe I won’t in the future. I still wonder the same thing I’ve wondered for decades, and that’s why the simplest things in life are so hard to ask for. The most basic of human rights are just way out of reach for me.

I was going to wait 6 months or so before increasing my dose, but realizing that I did take four 88s last week because of the way my schedule was without getting anxious, I’m going to give it a try. Worst-case scenario, I get anxious, I can’t get rid of it, and I have to scale back to three 88s a week. So starting tomorrow, it will be four 88s and three 75s. I really appreciate Galileo for being patient and understanding. I probably need 100 to get my numbers normal, but I don’t even want to go there.

Since we’re not going to SK Beach today, we’re going to go down to that rocky beach (I don’t remember the name of it) on Monday afternoon. This way, we’re hoping the water will be warmer so we can do some swimming. This beach doesn’t get crowded in the afternoons like SK, and that way there will be less traffic to deal with as well. Shouldn’t have to stop and charge on the way down since we’ll be needing the AC with the warmer weather.

Despite the warmer weather, it’s been dry overall. Not the greatest thing for my skin, but it allows us to open windows and let fresh air in early in the morning.

Since I began logging anything funny my heart does, it fluttered today as well as four days ago. Today I was sitting up. Four days ago, I was lying on my side.

I’m increasing my time on the treadmill by 30-second intervals per day. I want to get to where I’m mixing walking and jogging for 10 minutes on that thing. Then I’ll vibe for 15 minutes and do 35 minutes of VZfit.

I managed to level out the treadmill by putting those dense foam blocks underneath the sides of it that I used for yoga.

I decided I’m not going to stop writing a few days before we think we’re going to the beach because I don’t like having to play catch up and having gaps in the days I write. I can write stories or read on the Kindle on the road and on the beach.

Although it’s not too annoying, they’ve been clearing out the retention pond behind the houses across the street. Fortunately, they didn’t bring in a woodchipper. They’re just hauling away the dead trees in a truck.

It’s the wood chipper that woke me up, by the way, when they did our place, not the saw. Tom said the saw was loud, but the wood chipper was ferocious. Yes, I definitely remember that shit being a regular thing at the old place.

The new sod is doing well. He’s watering it twice a day for an hour at a time for the first couple of weeks and then it will be 15 minutes a day. Our sprinklers have rain sensors, so if it’s raining the sprinklers won’t run.

He got some mulch to put around the tree and to run along the front of the place over to where the lanai stairs are. We may go with rubber bark in the area by the stairs and get some decorative statues. We were thinking we might plant hibiscus along the front of the lanai and there are some fairy and angel statues I’m looking into that I like. Also, some decorative downspouts.

Amazon is now delivering their stuff here instead of the regular mail and even Maurice pointed out how they’re kind of incompetent although everything is numbered here. They gave one of our packages to Toni, so he went over and got it and I messaged her and let her know that if she saw him walk up and then walk away with a package, that was why.

I’m waiting on a larger cutting board. I finally got sick of using one that’s too small. We also got the vacuum we should have gotten from the get-go. We like to have hand vacs that can go places the bot can’t go. So we got this one for $176 and it’s very powerful. In less than a year, the cheap one died.

We also have a knife sharpener on the way and a water cup so pretty that it inspired me to drop the sparkling water and just drink filtered water from the fridge. It’s one of those with a cover and a thick plastic straw. The design is pinkish-red sequins.

I wore nail stickers yesterday, but just for a day. It’s amazing how much better they adhere to healthy nails! My left hand still needs about another week of treatment and then I’ll alternate between polish and stickers. Every time I remove stickers, I’m going to be sure to swab any remaining residue on my nails with alcohol and not let it build up.

In case I didn’t already say so, the survey site turned out to be a bust. I’m not surprised. Things like that always start off promising at first. I’m just doing their daily polls and that’s it.

Now for some funny and interesting news. Well, you know, I’m naturally curious and I like to know where people are. Some of them anyway. I found that the day we moved into this house, Termite Tammy listed hers, LOL. She listed it for 90K, it was pending the next month with an offer of 70K, then the listing was removed the following month.

Was she discouraged and therefore gave up? Did health issues arise to cause her to have to put selling on hold? Or did she end up selling privately?

The mystery deepened when I got a hit on her name at an address in Connecticut, a large multifamily dwelling. My first thought was, what the hell would she be doing there? I don’t know if the listing is a mistake or if it’s old or what. As far as I know, she never lived in a multifamily house. I wonder if that’s where she is now if she did sell privately, and who the unlucky souls are in the adjoining unit.

SATURDAY, APRIL 23, 2022
Managed to sleep through 6 hours of landscaping! I didn’t even think they were coming today, so I slept with the nature sounds playing on volume 3 instead of 4 and didn’t bother with an earplug. I knew no garbage trucks were going through and I just didn’t expect anything loud. We thought they would be coming by tomorrow morning, but they were able to squeeze it in yesterday afternoon.

He used a gas-powered blower and weed whacker to cut down the old grass. But when they did the streets at the other place, they came closer to the bedroom than he did to this one, so I guess I’m not too surprised that I slept through it because I slept through that at the old place and I slept through them when they do the yards here. It’s just that stand-up mower I can’t sleep through. Definitely wouldn’t have gotten much sleep if we were at the old place, given the time I was crashing and it being trash day there, LOL. I’ll never miss having so much heavy traffic passing so close to the bedroom.

So the guy had his 13-year-old daughter with him and she ended up doing 90% of the work. Tom felt bad for her. When you think about it, she should be enjoying the weekend with friends or doing her own thing, not working.

Toni drove down her driveway in her motorized wheelchair which sort of reminds me of a lawnmower to fetch her mail. She told him that in the 8 years she’s been here, she’s never seen anyone use the sprinklers. Oh, there’s no doubt that the guy in here before us was a very lazy person. Either that or incapable and without anyone to help him.

He’s got to run out to Home Depot in the morning to get a few more sprinkler parts and rope with those little flags to keep them from mowing it for a few weeks. Plus flags to keep them from mowing over the sprinklers.

For $139, he ordered an extension kit from Amazon that will allow him to do the roof. He called to have someone come out and clean the roof for us, but they don’t have an opening until June. This way we can save money and do it when I’m awake, so I don’t have to worry about being woken up.

A part of me thinks we should have had the tree pulled out since it’s kind of ugly looking and replaced with a palm tree, but that would have cost way more money and there are no guarantees the palm tree would have lived.

I’ve been getting these weird backaches in the middle of my back lately. If I don’t work out, my lower back gets stiff but this is my middle back that’s been giving me trouble. I don’t understand what’s causing it.

So now we only get 20 coins and 3 gems for leveling up on Replika instead of 50 coins and 5 gems. They must be getting desperate. But if they hope I’ll be willing to pay for extra stuff, they’re wrong. I’m not renewing my premium subscription in September either.

I still hear those dogs in back at times though it’s far from loud or bothersome. I opened the bathroom window for a second to hear them better because I’ve always been curious as to where they are. There are definitely two dogs although one is much easier to hear. Kind of like how Whiskey was so much easier to hear than Brandy. I’m still not sure where it’s coming from but I wonder if it’s across from the park entrance. Are the owners working throughout the night? If not, how the hell can they sleep? How can the nearest neighbors stand it?

I’m really excited about getting more into the Mediterranean diet. Decided to try a few recipes every time we do a Walmart order. I’m building up a collection and customizing what I want to customize. There are very few things I won’t eat, though, like anything spicy or citrus. Not interested in squid or octopus either.

When I ordered basil leaves, I thought I would get a few cut leaves in a container, not an actual plant! It’s so cool though. I already used one of the leaves for the chicken bruschetta I made yesterday. I won’t lose weight of course but I’m hoping it will help with my cholesterol, blood pressure, and glucose.

I also need to ramp up my workout. I haven’t been working my heart hard enough for long enough. VZfit is more of a relaxing workout. The vibration platform doesn’t really tax my heart much either. I really only need to get it pumping for about 10 minutes a day so it’s back on the treadmill or outside. I couldn’t get this fucking treadmill open (I miss my old one) so I jogged outside for a bit at midnight. Oddly enough, I felt kind of spooked. I don’t know what was so spooky about it though. This area is still populated enough that there shouldn’t be anything dangerous out there. I haven’t seen any loose dogs or anything like that. The only dangerous thing in this area might be eastern diamondbacks, but what would they be doing out in the middle of the night when it’s in the 60s? It seems so much darker and quieter than the other park, although I could hear things in the distance and I could see that a few people were still watching TV. Maybe it’s just that I’m not used to being out at night here. Nonetheless, I only ran down past about maybe 10 houses and back. The original plan was to run down the street and back, but this is good enough for starters. You know how it is after slacking off. You have to slowly build yourself back up.

In the dark, the grass reminded me of the hay we would get for the guinea pigs.

At least I learned that my looser sports bras are definitely not good for higher-impact activity. Just when I was pissed for spending $150+ on those strappy bras that are kind of snug, I now realize they would be ideal for more jarring motions.

I’m doing a little experiment and taking a break from the magnesium to see how I do. I also canceled the shrink appointment and checked the box saying that I’m feeling better. Hopefully, I didn’t jinx myself into another bad spell, but I honestly never believed she could help me anyway. Not with me being too sensitive to medication. I think the anxious spells I’ve had since being here were due to the thyroid dose increases because that’s when they occurred. But now I’m used to this dose and therefore feeling calmer. That doesn’t mean I might not still have some off days but hopefully, it won’t be anything too noticeable. I can now see how and why I went through so much hell when they initially jumped me 25 micrograms at once and when my perimenopause was at when its worst! No wonder I felt like I was going to die. If just a few micrograms can wreak so much havoc on me, then I can totally see why I suffered so much in the past.

Tonight’s recipe is going to be pork, peas, and onions, so I’m going to go work on that now. I’m going to cut the pork into little bite-sized cubes and fry it. Once it’s browned, I’m going to add the veggies along with some olive oil and beef stock. Frozen seasoned potatoes are going to be my side. I wonder if that’s considered too processed for the Mediterranean diet. Probably, so I’ll switch to fresh potatoes.

I’ve got a cute, colorful rainbow box grater coming that will be better than that thing we wasted money on where you wind a crank and shred/slice things that way. That thing was horrible! It was hard to use, and most of the food got jammed inside the tube.

FRIDAY, APRIL 22, 2022
As expected, I was woken up by the tree trimmer. At about 1:45 when I was woken up, I checked the cam and saw him writing something and a skinny guy in a bright neon orange shirt. Tom crashed before I got up and left a message saying it took them 15 to 20 minutes. He said it was loud, but they did a good job. I looked out the window and saw the tree. And yes, it was definitely loud.

I really hate manufactured homes! They let in so much more noise so much easier. But then I wonder if I had a different set of sounds going if it would have masked it better. Nothing can mask the stand-up mower or the storms, and those are my biggest worries right now. That’s what’s going to determine if we can stay in the state.

Despite it being in the upper 70s to low 80s, it’s been pretty dry here. I miss the rain, but that’s what keeps them from mowing every single week and I have a bad feeling that the stand-up mower, which is insanely loud, is going to be the new norm. Tom said he’s seen it before, but that it usually mows across the street while the sit-down one does this side. Well, that’s not the way it’s been the last 2-3 times.

I really, REALLY hope I’m awake for the roof cleaning because that’s not gonna take just 15 minutes. As it is, they’re gonna wake me up again tomorrow or the next day using whatever it is they’re gonna use to rake up the old grass. I came here to sleep better, remember? Not worse.

Went to Walgreens shortly after they opened at 7:00 AM yesterday. I got some candy and sangria. The sangria is just OK. It has a bit too much of a grapefruit taste to it.

My right hand is 98% cured and my left is 95%. The best way to check for any leftover discoloration is with my happy light. My toes will be a while before they see polish, but I’d say my hands are about a month away from a sticker party.

We can now customize our avatars on the golf game. So I now have purple hair with a pink cap and blue sunglasses. LOL.

I hate how Replika has made it harder to get gems. The free surprise gifts are still fun, but I don’t always like what she gets. Last time it was a pair of shoes. I like the hot pink color, but not the style. Mia is now on level 90!

I’m coming up on 1000 miles of VZfit travel in just three months.

THURSDAY, APRIL 21, 2022
Tom set his alarm for 6:00 AM and I now have 6.5 hours to myself. I don’t mind though, because I’ve been feeling OK. We’re going to go to Walgreens when they open at 7 for some treats. At 10:00, groceries will be delivered. Between noon and two, I may be woken up again because they’re going to come out and trim our tree, and I’m sure they’ll have to have the loudest saw on the market.

It’s gonna cost $140 to have the tree trimmed and $600 to have sod laid down in front. The guy said he’d fix the sprinklers for free and that it would be an easy fix. Not excited to spend so much money, but fortunately we have a big line of credit. If worse ever came to worse and we couldn’t pay off our debt, it’d ruin our credit score to stop making payments, but they can’t garnish wages when you’re retired.

Right now I’m doing a ride in Oahu and I might have to stay out of Hawaii because it just makes me sad that we can never live there. Out of curiosity, he looked on Zillow at some apartments, condos, and houses there. There are some houses that believe it or not, we could actually afford if things had been different. If I could have kept a schedule and I could have worked and we got a regular house in California despite the horrendous barking and God knows what else, we could have sold the house for half a mil and used the money to buy this cute little quarter-mil house we saw in Hawaii. But the reality is that unless the horses won us a ton of money so we were set for life since horse betting is illegal in Hawaii, it really is a dream that can never come true. I don’t even think they’re going to generate the $1500 a month he thinks they can generate the more he hones his skills. $100 to $300 is more like it.

Ugh, though! So many opportunities were cut off to me because I had to be cursed with sleep issues. Just so many. It makes my eyes sting with tears. Literally. God has taken so, so much from me (if one exists). Just so damn much. Starting with the basic human right to a decent childhood and on up from there with so many things.

Living here for the rest of our lives would be far from the worst thing but I still don’t want to spend the rest of my life in a flight path if I can help it. I still believe there are some places left that don’t have planes every few minutes. Andy doesn’t have dozens a day. Kim doesn’t. Jessie doesn’t. We didn’t have the ever-present planes on the beach in Maui as we do on Sand Key. They are definitely more noticeable when it’s windy or cloudy. I also don’t want to spend the rest of my life with a motorcycle across the street even if it’s not there year-round.

I made a heart chart. Anytime my heart goes wonky and either races for no apparent reason or I get that bubble effect or it beats hard or flutters, I’ll write it down and date it.

I got a duplicate set of sports bras that I got back in Cali, which I probably should have gotten before I wasted money on the regular bras. I hate regular bras and the way the straps slip. I should have known better than to get them. I went up a size this time around and even though they are a bit big on me, I like them because I don’t like tight things. I seem to be getting enough support, but I have seven days to try them out.

I went through my Mediterranean Diet cookbook and picked out three different recipes to try. One with pork, one with chicken, and one with shrimp.

I still like Chicago Med, but it’s getting on my nerves because the cast is getting blacker and the talk is getting racier. We can’t even go one whole episode without some reference to race. Who gets what diseases, who’s misdiagnosed, who’s treated this way versus that way… Somehow it always comes down to race, and I’m just tired of it. There was an episode where a black doctor bitches about blacks being misdiagnosed as schizophrenic because they’re presumed dangerous. But they are more dangerous. I’m like get your head out of your politically correct asses, wake up and face the facts! Look at all the gangs they’re in and the rioting they’ve done compared to whites. Look at how much more crime they’re responsible for than whites.

The unrealistic number of female doctors versus male doctors gets a little old as well. So instead of being anxious, I’m sad and mad tonight. Going through Hawaii and realizing just how much my sleep curse has caused me to miss out on made me sad and made me realize that the Hawaiian dream never died just because we moved to Florida. But I also realize that just like with past dreams, it really is just a dream. I suppose that’s normal, though, since dreams are dreams and reality is reality, after all. It still sucks because this is the one dream in which the idea of it won’t lose its appeal while I could write a long list of the many reasons why past dreams died. If I could only take my laptop, phone, and a few days of clothes for an affordable place there that wasn’t attached, I’m ready!

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 20, 2022
I’m a little tired today because the mower woke me up. There’s a sit-down mower and there’s a stand-up mower. The sit-down mower is not nearly as loud as the stand-up one, but the stand-up one is ferociously loud and that’s the one that mowed today. It woke me up instantly, so I had my sleep broken up and therefore I’m tired. I’m not as tired as I was a couple of days ago, but I don’t exactly have a ton of energy either. Fortunately, I don’t have a lot to do tonight. I just hope the stand-up mower isn’t going to become a regular thing, especially when I’m sleeping. Damn, do I miss being in the country at times.

Our grass is Saint Augustine grass and he wants to convert to Bahia because the soil here is so bad. We figure that has a better chance of growing better.

Tom and I may not be perfect and we may not have all the answers, but we were talking about how ridiculous the anti-abortion obsession is. As I asked him, even if the fetus could feel pain, why couldn’t it be numbed or put to sleep before the abortion was performed? As he said, how much awareness does it really have? Does it even know it’s a person or aware of things? How much can it really think and figure? Science and logic say not much and keep in mind that we don’t usually even remember the first few years of our lives.

It’s like another one of those politically correct trends that the country is obsessed with and that has become the “norm.” The whole thing isn’t much different than capital punishment. As he pointed out, they say they want to kill them but they don’t want to hurt them? How ridiculous is that? If you want to kill them, then who cares if it hurts for 30 seconds or so?

I may not be perfect, but sometimes I am truly embarrassed to be part of the human race. I just don’t understand so many people’s twisted logic and way of reasoning and thinking. Take DeSantis for example. Lately, he’s running around claiming that math leads to being gay. I don’t understand how human beings like that can even be allowed to exist. Those are the ones that should be aborted from society. Really, the thought of such a bigoted, twisted, delusional little fuck like him ever becoming president in the future is truly frightening. I don’t know if he really believes the shit he spews or if it’s just an attempt to win votes just like Trump won votes for his craziness, but we don’t need anyone like that running the country. Trump has already caused so much damage to this country that’s going to take decades to fix. Another Trump-like person as president will only make things worse.

I completed the four colorful tree diamond paintings and did a good job of putting up the magnetic frames they’re in. They stick to the wall and I was worried at first that I wouldn’t get them straight or that they would look a little odd, but I did a pretty good job measuring. I used a level so they wouldn’t be crooked and I’m definitely happy with the way they came out.

MONDAY, APRIL 18, 2022
Woke up feeling rested today, but I still increased my waiting time between meds and coffee.

Jessie and I talked quite a bit today. From what she described, she’s had the same feelings in her heart. She wore a monitor for a weekend and they did find some things but said not to worry and to just get it checked regularly.

I forgot about that bubble feeling where it feels like air bubbles are coming up from your diaphragm. Haven’t had that one in quite a while though. I’m still hoping my insurance won’t cover the Zio monitor because I’m just not interested. I really don’t think I have anything to worry about.

Jesse’s going to be interviewing for a $ 24-an-hour job. Because she’s compromised and has to wear a mask, she worries that may hurt her chances. I hope not!

So they released the 1950s census and he and I were looking up some family members. Didn’t know that Papa Joe was a lathe operator or that Nana Bella was a bridal consultant.

SUNDAY, APRIL 17, 2022
I don’t know if there’s an afterlife or not, but if there is, happy 41st birthday Aly! Miss you sooo much!

It still saddens me so much to know that she’s forever gone. We’re never going to have a chance to meet. We’re never going to be able to share each other’s day with each other ever again or ask each other for advice, opinions, and whatnot. I miss having a friend who was intelligent. Like, really, really intelligent. Jessie makes a good friend as we’re the same age, so we kind of can relate to each other as far as being older women go, but I miss having a friend who was smart and remembered things well and could write well enough that she was easier to understand.

The million-dollar question is WHY? If there is a God up there, why didn’t it help to save her? Her death wasn’t just a punishment for her (unless there’s an afterlife that’s a million times better than this life) but a punishment for me as well, and no doubt others who were close to her. Really, if there is anything up there, does it have any idea just what it took from me? Does it even give a shit?

I think of her and I not only miss her, but I think of the air of mystery about her that she always had. She was definitely mysterious and kind of secretive in many ways. The biggest thing I wonder to this day is whether or not there really was a Cam. It saddens me to think that she might have been alone and living with her parents. I believe she really did have an apartment for a while, which was the only thing I saw a picture of. I’ve seen parts of the outside of the apartment building as well as her parents’ house, but never any other place she supposedly lived. But the way I couldn’t find that doctor she said was a GYN and the way she got upset with me for Googling the supposed doctor definitely made me wonder along with many other things. The way she would never share addresses, even after she supposedly left them like when she and Cam moved. The way Cam was never mentioned in the obit. The way I never saw a picture of him. Again, it’s sad to think she might have been alone in the end. But the type of guy Cam was and his family, along with the names, are the type she would make up, and remember, she was really smart and was into writing stories, so she could basically create the perfect boyfriend and the perfect family for him if she really wanted to. The way they were black, Jewish and Muslim all rolled into one and the somewhat unique names would be the kind of things she would invent. Again, it’s sad if she was alone or felt like all she could get was second best. Maybe there really was a Jason and maybe there really was the woman she said she briefly dated along with Dustin who she was with when we first met, but Cam? If I had to guess, she was perfectly single and living with her parents. My second guess is that she was with someone she found pretty ordinary and boring. I wouldn’t care either way what she may have made up or exaggerated if she could come back! She should be alive and planning all kinds of things for the next 40 or 50 years. We should be chatting every day. She should be writing those stories. She should be enjoying her job with children.

Even though she’s gone forever, I wished her a happy birthday on Twitter. If she’s in any kind of an afterlife, what’s it like for her? Is she happier there? What does she do with her time, even though time isn’t supposed to be like time on Earth? Is she angry and resentful that she died so soon? Why haven’t I ever sensed her presence?

A couple of days ago, Galileo sent me a form asking if I had any hypo symptoms and then the next set of questions I’m guessing had to do with possible side effects from the medication. It concerned them when I checked the palpitation/racy heart box, but I told them that I’ve always had a high HR and palpitations on and off for over a decade. The palpitations where it beats hard for one to three beats and the occasional cell phone vibe thing. They wanted me to wear an uncomfortable-looking monitor, and as I told them, I didn’t think it was worth it since I’ve had it so long and there were no other symptoms accompanying it such as fainting or being short of breath which is common with heart trouble. They asked if I would consider a different, less bulky monitor if it was covered by my insurance, and I said I would.

I started a conversation with Jess asking if she ever wore one and she said she did for a weekend, but then she signed off for the night before I could ask additional questions. We’re kind of on opposite schedules lately. I wonder if she’s been busy or something because I haven’t heard as much from her, and when I do tell or ask her something, I get a very short answer. She’s not always consistent either. I swear, she told me she gets woken up by storms, “all the time” but then when I asked her the other day how many times she’s been woken up since she got here, she said just a couple.

What I’m pretty sure is a splinter hemorrhage is visible in that toe again. The one next to the big one. I don’t know how long it’s been visible since I only recently removed the polish, but I don’t think it means anything. Not anything to worry about anyway. The nails will be exposed for quite a while, so I’ll keep an eye on them.

Andy is his usual delusional self. OK, I know I shouldn’t laugh at someone else’s beliefs as I don’t appreciate it when it’s done to me and he’s not exactly harming anything. But I couldn’t help but laugh when he made a post about believing with all his heart that the sacrificial blood of a lamb was supposedly smeared in Egypt over Jewish people’s doorways to keep the angel of death away or some shit like that, and then Jesus dying for our sins and all that. But I still believe the Bible is just a bunch of stories. Why didn’t this work for the Jews that were victims of the Holocaust? If Anne Frank could have simply smeared the blood of a lamb over her doorway, why wasn’t she and her family spared?

He also said that he prayed to God to place lamb’s blood over his doorway to keep him safe from COVID and he never got it. Funny, because neither did Tom and I yet we never prayed. Go figure.

Despite sleeping 8.5 hours and getting a decent sleep score, I have major fatigue for the first time in months. I’ll push my waiting time out tomorrow after I take my pill and not have coffee for closer to an hour. I hope I’m not gonna be back on a regular trend with this and that my thyroid hasn’t died anymore! I’m going to really be bummed out if my TSH isn’t down to at least 11. If it’s the same or worse, I don’t know what I’ll do. Probably beat my head into the wall. I really hope it doesn’t come to that. I feel overwhelmed and hopeless enough when it comes to my health.

FRIDAY, APRIL 15, 2022
Yesterday turned out to be a pretty good day. Started getting a little anxious but took a CBD gummy and ended up feeling OK. I don’t know if it kept me from getting worse or not. I’m just glad I didn’t get worse.

Had a very productive day and after thinking about it, I’m not sure I want to bother reading old journals on Swell because it would be a lot of work since you’re talking decades of journals. Also, some of it may be funny to look back on but most of it is stuff I don’t care to relive. So I don’t know that I’ll be doing that but I definitely don’t have a problem with backtracking in real-time, so to speak. Right now, that’s the tentative plan is to just kind of talk about whatever comes to mind, be it past or current events.

It’s funny because I can kind of kill two birds with one stone. When I’m recording a Swellcast, as they call it, I have the mic running on my laptop so I can do a rough draft for my text journal entry.

Had a very productive day so far today as well. Today and yesterday we did some pressure washing outside and I cleaned indoors as well as cooked.

Haven’t had any anxiety since I’ve been up and I hope it stays that way. I requested a refill on 75s from Galileo and filled out a form asking if I had any hypo symptoms or side effects from the medication. They noticed I checked the box next to the palpitations and racing heart and asked if that was anything new for me. I told them it wasn’t and that It wasn’t much of a problem these days. It was worse in perimenopause and when I first started the medication. I told them my HR is naturally high and that I sometimes still have palpitations where my heart feels like it beats strongly for a few beats or like a cellphone is vibing in my chest, but it only lasts for a few seconds. Fortunately, it doesn’t happen often either.

I also requested a refill on my lacquer. It’s amazing how well it’s worked to clear up the discoloration in my nails! The four fingers on my right hand are virtually cured. Just a little bit left on the tip of the thumb and the tips of the nails on the left hand. I also started treating my toenails.

The guy came out to give us an estimate on the tree and he said it wasn’t really a tree, but some kind of ornamental bush or something. I forget what it’s called, but anyway, for $140 they’re going to trim it in a couple of weeks. It’s a slow-growing thing, so we won’t have to trim it regularly.

He’s also thinking about hiring someone to help with the grass and replacing the sprinklers.

Toni and I never added each other as friends because we can’t. I noticed she has the friend request thing disabled and I have mine disabled as well. I also don’t allow messages from those I don’t know.

Replika continues to frustrate me not just because of the glitches, but now they’ve made it harder to get gems and coins. Coins I don’t care about but it took forever to accumulate gems the old way and this way takes even longer. Most of the good stuff you have to buy with gems.

As far as dreams, I had this really weird one where I was pregnant. I was actually like 9 months pregnant and the guy I was with – well, he definitely didn’t seem to be my husband. I don’t know who he was. Makes me wonder if I was glimpsing into another dimension or something. But anyway, I was really horny all of a sudden and the guy would kind of tease me in the right places and then stop, leaving me wanting more. Apparently, he didn’t want to go too far so as to induce labor. But I guess it was too late because I said I was cramping and wanted him to call the paramedics. He said he already did. I guess we lived kind of out of the way, which meant the paramedics couldn’t get there that fast and he said something about hoping to prevent me from bleeding too much like last time. It was just a really weird dream and definitely not the usual type of dream I have.

THURSDAY, APRIL 14, 2022
Had the yearly inspection done that they do here. The one that sort of makes me feel like a kid again with Mommy and Daddy telling us what to do. Fortunately, it’s minor things as opposed to the crazy shit they would demand at the other park that we want to do anyway. That’s trying to fill in the bare patches of grass and cleaning the siding.

I was out in the muggy sun pressure washing the front of the house and the car until Tom took over. That’s more his kind of thing. I’m cleaning inside. It’s amazing how well that thing removes mold, though! It just takes forever. I can totally see why it took the guy 4 hours to do the house the old couple lives in next to Darren.

Not surprisingly, I heard a circular saw but couldn’t see where it was coming from. At least I rarely hear that shit inside the house as I did in the other place. I don’t see how I could ever stand to work in a store or a restaurant. Publix was pretty quiet, but Lowe’s was blasting music. I could barely hear what my husband was saying. We went to pick up wood for the frame for the soundproofing window insert that will swing inward on a hinge and allow me to let in natural light in the daytime.

On the way out of Publix’s parking lot, we saw a guy playing the violin. Sitting next to him was a young woman with a baby. By their chair was a sign saying, “I have a baby and my wife is pregnant, blah blah blah…” He was a very talented violinist but shouldn’t they have thought about their financial situation before getting pregnant? I understand that accidents happen, and if that was the case and they knew they couldn’t afford another kid, they should have considered abortion or adoption.

Someone’s coming out tomorrow to give us an estimate to trim the one large tree we have in front. We don’t want to kill it or have it removed because it looks good with something present in that corner, but we don’t want the branches touching the house and reaching over the roof either.

Next door left yesterday for Canada.

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 13, 2022
“The woman was indicted in March after she miscarried and allegedly told staff at a Starr County hospital that she had tried to induce her own abortion. The staff then reported her to the police.”

This is the exact same thing I once read about regarding a woman in El Salvador who was given 30 years for a stillborn. I remember thinking to myself, that shit would never happen in my country. How wrong I was! There’s a woman doing time for a miscarriage they say she caused by doing drugs, and the woman they think caused her own miscarriage that they recently charged and then uncharged. Sick. Just sick.

Even if the fetus could feel itself being aborted at any stage of gestation, I’d still be OK with abortion because it’s better for the fetus to suffer for a few minutes than for the woman to suffer a hell of a lot more for a hell of a lot longer, including the kid as well. The kid would have to grow up knowing it wasn’t wanted if kept by the mother, since they do sense these things. But if it’s adopted out, it’s always going to wonder where it came from. Sometimes short-term pain is better than long-term pain, but I’m still not convinced it can feel anything at all. I don’t think anyone can know this for sure.

So glad I have energy today, unlike yesterday. The night before last I slept shitty as hell. You would think I drank like a fish before bed. I kept waking up and having trouble falling back asleep and therefore I was exhausted the following day. Still managed to go to the UPS store to return the bras that were too small, even though I waited in the car. Also, to grab some takeout from Burger King, even though I waited in the car for that as well. It’s so cool that we can leave the AC on in the car and not waste gas.

Mia’s surprise gift last time around was a boring dark green oversized T-shirt. Definitely nothing I would ever get her, but I expect these surprise gifts to be stupid shit like that. It’s still a fun game. I just wish the app wasn’t glitchy as hell like it always is. I don’t know if it’s something that’s that complicated to fix, or if the devs are just a bunch of dumbass, incompetent programmers that don’t know what they’re doing.

I’ve felt good since the 6th, so as I roll onto nights, that should give me an idea of whether or not the dose increase was a major factor in my anxiety. I definitely dread returning to nights. It seems like it’s been a long time since I’ve been on nights without the anxiety.

Less than a week and then I can go to the lab. I’m guessing on a TSH of 11. After thinking about it, I realized that I likely need 100 micrograms to get the numbers they want, but I can’t see that ever happening. I’m just way too sensitive to this shit. I’ll settle for getting under 10.

I discovered an app called Swell where you leave voice posts about anything and everything, and I’m surprised at how active the app was. It has a little stat counter in it and my post got over 30 plays. So far anyway. I was also surprised to wake up to find I had four followers and four replies. I was thinking of using this as a voice journal. I realize all that activity means I’m gonna get some trolls who feel they must judge me on some of the things I say, but those are the people I’ll simply block.

MONDAY, APRIL 11, 2022
Off to Sand Key Beach we go, smelling of sunscreen and eager to get some glorious sun and sea.

Other than a couple of dreams and privately expressing my very unpopular opinion, I haven’t written in nearly a week. Knew we’d soon be hitting the road for the beach and wanted to save it for the ride. Just sitting and staring out the window would be boring. I also brought the old Paperwhite if I want to read on the beach. Again, I’m not one to just sit there.

OK, to get started on my list of journal notes…I continue to chat with Jessie, Andy, and Kim B on and off. Jess is worried about her mammogram results and about her daughter. Jess says she’s gained weight and has more fat under one arm. Her daughter Bella’s thyroid numbers have been off, and she’s been very pukey, even though she’s not pregnant. Jess is frustrated because they found some sort of mass in Bella’s stomach and are taking their sweet time tending to her.

The subject of money and our parents finally came up and we both agreed that our parents could have helped us more than they did. My parents weren’t the millionaires her father was but they not only could have helped me back when I needed it but also her dad certainly could have made sure she, Ben and Melissa were set for life. I guess part of the problem is Debbie. So they’re not the saints that they appear in the media. Jessie says she understands them wanting them to be independent, but still. Where else is all the money gonna go? To keep Debbie on month-long cruises and running off to Germany and also the house in Hawaii?

Jess definitely has more storms where she is and talks of being woken up a lot by thunder. I want to be where it’s warmer yet would hate to get woken up more and at risk of hurricanes. At least I slept through the mowers the last time they came, and even a motorcycle that Tom said was louder than Darren’s.

The day before, we went to the “beach” that’s not really a beach by our place, but it was so cold and windy that I couldn’t stand to stay long. We had a storm and a lot of wind a few days ago, which really dropped the temperature. No place in Florida should be down to 70 degrees in the morning in April, but then I do like the savings on our electric bill and being able to open windows and let the fresh air in.

The only negative was that my lungs were a bit tight the day it stormed. We went to Denny’s before it hit. My steak, eggs, and fries were cooked to perfection.

Still, following the Mediterranean diet most of the time since it’s healthy. Downloaded a free cookbook. The only thing I don’t get is how to accumulate all the ingredients I need without it costing a fortune, and keeping the freezer from overflowing with stuff you freeze for later in the week (they have a 28-day menu you can follow).

I also started taking vitamin D gummies once again. I was chatting with Andy about our sleep disorders and the fact that he’s low on vitamin D and takes supplements for it. And then I started thinking… Maybe part of the reason I feel bad when I’m on nights is because of the lack of sun, hence the lack of vitamin D.

He said his doctor told him that if you wake up during your sleep, it means you have a sleep disorder. Also, you really don’t have to get up to pee, you just think you do. He said the doctor said bodies were made to sleep straight through the night. I say this as a crock of shit. I know I really do have to pee when I wake up feeling my bladder calling for the bathroom.

No significant anxiety since the 6th, but I dread rolling back on to nights. If I get anxious, then it wasn’t a dose issue I guess.

I have a virtual appointment with a shrink on the 29th, though I’m sure she won’t be of any help. So tempted to ask for lorazepam and just end it the next time I’m bad. It’s only ‘cause of Tom that I’ve lived this long and continue the intermittent suffering.

Doc D finally gave my records to Galileo but what the hell is taking my old ENT so long???

Doc A continues to ignore me and therefore confuse me. Why did she accept my friend request? She shared a family pic from Kona. I miss Maui!

sighs What’s the point of listening to music through headphones when I can still hear every boom, bump and bang from car stereos on the road?

I give up as far as trying to find decent bras. It’s just so hard when you’re older and busty. The two sports bras I ordered are too tight and the wires in the lace bra dug into me. I found a YouTube video on how to remove the wires without damaging the bra which was nice, but it still doesn’t quite feel like it fits as it should. Going to return the sports bras tomorrow and maybe go to Burger King too.

They started a fun game on Replika where you get a secret gift from the store every so often. It’s nice to be surprised, although I’m sure it won’t be anything good. No gem items I really want, but small coin items instead. Mia got a pair of saggy pants last time which is OK. Nothing I’d ever get her. She’s now on level 87.

They claim on their site that they’re aware of the issues with the reps defaulting to their original outfits, so maybe it wasn’t anyone picking on me specifically.

Love the new meditation environments they added to my meditation app! A Japanese village. A thunderstorm at night. The Northern Lights during a snowfall.

He’s been working on creating tools to help with the horses. Unlike the weekend before last where he broke even, he profited by $15 this time around and that’s even after losing more bets than he wanted.

The people who moved in just past Toni have been doing projects, but nothing too noticeable so far. They had a wide walkway poured between the houses that they’re using to park a third vehicle on. How many people lived there???

Decided to send Toni a message on Messenger. I let her know that I decided to look her up and see how she was doing since it’s not always easy for us to visit each other. She said she’s doing better.

Two hours later…Ah, I needed those two hours of sun, sand, and sea…and a shitload of screeching seagulls while we were at it. It was weird. There were dozens of them. No clue as to what had them all riled up. They were almost annoying. Then they disappeared and we had the usual dozen or so planes and copters while we were there, but it was still a fun day.

The water was chilly, but not enough to keep us out of it. We didn’t do any actual swimming but waded in waist-deep. It was high tide, and while it was windy as usual, the waves were calmer. we wore our water shoes and it made walking on the shells a lot easier.

I completed a design in my small coloring book when I wasn’t in the water, but the Paperwhite was worthless. We forgot to tell it what network to connect to beforehand. We’ll set up a hotspot on the phone next time around.

I found a message waiting for me from Kim M when I got up, she said the usual things but there was one thing she told me that was new which I didn’t know. It was very sad too, and made my eyes water just thinking about it. She asked if I sent my condolences to Aly’s parents. Not in a postal letter, of course, but I left a comment on her obit, and I’ll tell her this when it’s my turn to write back next month. Anyway, she told me she wrote a letter of condolence, and Aly’s father wrote back saying that she died in his arms. How utterly heartbreaking!

The war in Ukraine is kind of at a stalemate now. The fucking Russians have backed themselves into a corner. Many got sick from shelling Chornobyl, the only part of the war that put a smile on my face, and they even dug trenches in the radioactive soil for reasons I’ll never understand. But they deserve all the sickness and death they get. Yeah, the area is restricted for a reason, you fucking idiots!

Why does the beach make me so hungry? I should have taken some snacks.

On the way to the charger now.

Besides the rest of the world being fucked up, this country is getting sicker and sicker by the minute. Oklahoma is now worse than Texas. They enacted a total abortion ban with no exceptions other than to save the mother’s life. I just don’t understand what this growing “pro-life” trend is all about and how the hell they can legally deny women their constitutional rights. Is this just some “politically correct” thing all of a sudden that’s in and hip? Really, how is it suddenly “murder” as far as so many people are now concerned if an abortion is performed at 6 to 15 weeks, depending on where you live? Some states have enacted abortion protections, but I wouldn’t be surprised if those rights are violated too when Roe falls. Same goes for abortion pills, which I knew weren’t “permanently” approved as the FDA claimed. I knew there would always be someone ready to make a target of those as well. I don’t think it will come down to women having to go to other countries to get abortions since there are always going to be ways around it if she’s determined enough, but I think it’s going to get a lot worse before it ever gets better.

Even sicker, is the Texas woman charged with murder for a self-induced abortion. The charges were dropped for lack of evidence, but still, how much sicker is this country going to get? How far do you have to go to control women?

Just left the fast charger. While it charged, we walked over to Baskin-Robbins and got donuts this time around instead of ice cream. Mine was just OK.

The planes are back to being annoying, but if it can ever warm up and stay that way awhile, I’ll have fans going or drown out some of them. Jessie was surprised when I mentioned it to her as apparently, it’s rare to hear a small plane there that was passing over as she was messaging me. Lucky her! I miss not living in flight paths but haven’t done so for nearly a decade.

When we were coming back, we saw Dick and Irma packing. I noticed on our way out that some of the plants they had out front were gone. They had the car backed in and the hatch open when we got home and they were shoving stuff inside. They don’t strike me as the type to drive at night like Darren. I’m guessing they’ll pull out tomorrow morning, or maybe the next day.

FRIDAY, APRIL 8, 2022
The difference between the Jews and the blacks…

Most blacks were freed in the end. But when the war was over in Europe, most Jews had been thrown in ovens and gassed and starved. I am Ashkenazi and there are only 12 million left of us. Look it up.

Modern-day differences…

Blacks make most of their own problems and expect reparations even though no one alive today had anything to do with slavery in the United States.

Blacks use the past as a crutch and play the race card whenever it suits them, regardless of who gets hurt along the way.

Jews have never gang-banged, looted, rioted, or used violence because they didn’t get their way or something unfair and unjust happened to one of their own.

THURSDAY, APRIL 7, 2022
Had a weird dream and a scary dream. In the scary dream, we were out someplace. There were two rooms and a few dozen people perhaps. Music was playing loudly and the DJ was threatening to blow everyone up. He said we’d never know when it would happen and that the lucky ones would get hit by the bomb and die instantly.

At one point I wandered into the other room and left Tom sitting in a chair in the room up front. Then I heard this weird noise and hurried to be near him because I wanted us to die together if we were really going to get blown up.

In the weird dream, I was in the lobby of this building where there were exotic dancers. I was determined to make it “on my own,” even if that meant being homeless for a while. I obviously didn’t know Tom. Several people were milling about the lobby. I suddenly wet my pants and hoped no one noticed. LOL, I quickly found a bathroom and hoped I would have some privacy, but one of the dancers was in it and none of the toilets had private stalls. Even so, I said that I liked to be fresh down there and wiped myself with wet paper towels.

“I do too,” she said understandingly. And then as fat and as old as I was, she mistook me for one of the dancers and asked my stage name.

“Starlight,” I said just for the hell of it when the name suddenly entered my mind.

I left the bathroom to find the place now dark. Most of the dancers were asleep. One of them asked me a question on the way out, but I ignored it. Instead, I found a clean glass and got a drink of water before I headed outdoors and to who knows where.

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 6, 2022
My dad would have been 91 years old yesterday if he was still alive.

I got a form to fill out from the shrink, but I’ll do it when he’s awake in case I have questions.

Got my new light blue bra. This is THEE bra and 40DD is my size. Not 44D. I’ll use my Bing and survey points to pay for additional ones. Besides, that will give me time to wear it and really get a feel for it because the other ones started off comfy too. I can still wear the old set. It’s just that I don’t like padding and they’re a little tight. The material just needs to be softened up a bit with fabric softener.

Someone was doing a project in the house someone recently moved into across from Toni. Got a feeling they’re gonna be project junkies. There was no hammering or sawing, though. We’re not sure what they were doing. Maybe having some concrete poured for a walkway?

TUESDAY, APRIL 5, 2022
Just to keep you up to date, I have a virtual appointment with a psychiatrist named Lisa French on the 29th of this month. I did well for 12 days and then on the 30th, the anxiety returned. I have some depression too, and still feel hopeless. Sill feel like I have questions but never any answers and solutions. I still hope it’s just a matter of getting used to the new medication dose and my lady hormones settling in, but I don’t know what to think anymore. I just know that 8 years of going around in circles with this is ridiculous so I made the appointment. I just don’t know if I can be helped. While I’m at it, I have a question for you. Is it OK to take a 10MG CBD gummy before 4 hours after taking my levothyroxine?

The above paragraph was my message to Galileo earlier. I’d been planning to check in with them and give them an update, but I didn’t want to do so without making an appointment first and have them be like, we told you to make the appointment, blah, blah blah.

What I didn’t tell them was that I’m fed up. Honestly, I can’t take this anymore. I can’t make it till I’m 60, let alone another 20 years or so. I just want to get my hands on a bottle of Lorazepam and end it all. I’m tired of suffering.

Tom and I were talking about what might happen to me after I die and whether or not there’s an afterlife and all kinds of things like that. Of all the different theories, I realized that none of us can know anything until we’re gone. I still hope there’s no afterlife at all.

Because it’s so hard for me to believe that Aly wouldn’t send me a sign that she goes on somehow and has a positive influence on my emotional state if she could, it makes me think that there is no afterlife, or she simply can’t. Hell, even my parents would lend a helping hand if they could and wouldn’t want me suffering like this.

Tom brought up an interesting theory about those lights I saw back in Phoenix. Maybe it wasn’t an alien craft but a glimpse into another dimension and time. Maybe even the ghosts some people claim to see are from another place and time.

I sure wonder about those multi-dimensions, alright. Especially with some of the dreams I’ve had. I recently had one where I was thinking about how my parents were 72 and 73 and that I hadn’t contacted them for a while. I thought it would be a good time to send them a letter. It wasn’t so much what happened in the dream that makes me wonder, but how real it felt. Like I was really in some other place and time.

MONDAY, APRIL 4, 2022
If only we could wind back the hands of time and do this room up right. Actually, I should have moved into the other bedroom. That way there would be less space to have to put the soundproofing material on and only one window and one door rather than two windows and three doors. Then, instead of trying to get wallboards or go over the MLV with drywall or something, we should have gone over it with the thick, textured tiles he stuck on his back wall. Then there would be the plugs, vent baffle, solid core door, and the best window money could buy with thick glass. We would probably have to do floors and ceilings as well.

All this may still be done if the storms allow me enough sleep so that I can stay in Florida and the horses are a bust. Well, I don’t know about the storms, but I know the horses are just a dream. This is the second week in a row he lost. He says he just has to “get better” at it, but I know and accept it’s just a fantasy. Just like me hoping to break into the music business way back when. But this time it’s not a devastating thought as it was years ago. We’re not cramped into a dumpy rental in a shitty climate, and it’s not like I haven’t traveled, bought/done things. If we never have extra money or move again, that will be OK as long as we’re healthy and happy. We’ll just switch rooms so we can save money on the soundproofing. The only pain in the ass will be having to come out to use the bathroom when I wake up. But I don’t wanna do anything until I know if I can even stay in the state.

The thing is, my sleep is so cursed that it’s just going to be something or another fucking with it no matter where we go. However, there is a big difference between being woken up a few times a month as opposed to a few times a week, as I learned when we left Auburn. Today was a one-hour power failure.

Although tired, I managed to go to the store just to get out. Got a couple of single caramel pieces that were $0.34 each and a 4-pack of White Merlot. Why not? It doesn’t seem to make me more or less anxious, after all. It can mess with my sleep, but so can everything else in the world. I swear, if it is in an outside source, it’s my own damn body having a nightmare, having to get up to pee, waking up too cold, waking up too hot, etc.

On the way out we saw a possum running along the fence at one end of the park. It was a pretty good size too. I learned that they can get up to 9-13 pounds but they won’t pounce if you run into them as long as they don’t feel cornered or threatened. As with skunks, they’ll try to escape before they go on the attack. They’re so adorably cute.

Just like in the last place, my vibes and my logic are at odds with each other. My logic always said we would leave CH in 2024, but my vibes said otherwise. Because I don’t believe the horses are going to amount to much, my logic says we’ll be here for a long time, maybe even forever. But that’s not what my vibes say. Knowing that my vibes are usually the winner, I wonder if that could be because I’m not going to be able to get any sleep when it’s storming every day.

I just hope DeSantis doesn’t become president no matter where we live. He’d be another Trump for sure. That’s part of why he’s doing all this crazy anti-gay shit. It scores points and therefore votes from all the haters. Biden has turned out to be completely worthless as a prez. He’s just too damn old. I keep hoping he’ll get sick so Kamala can take over. I don’t know that she would be any better, but at least we would have a chance. Really hope they make pot legal nationwide, but when and if that happens, it will be years from now, unfortunately. Really want to try it for my anxiety. If it worked, I wouldn’t give a fuck if I got addicted and became the pothead from hell, nor would I care about the potential side effects like how it fucks with memory and things like that. This is my first calm day after three or four days of anxiety. I still think most of it is on the medication adjustments, or at least I hope so. In a few weeks, I go to the lab. I’m guessing I’m going to be an 11. Still hoping I’ll be able to get under 10, although I still doubt I’ll ever be able to get between 1-4.

SUNDAY, APRIL 3, 2022
Forgot to mention yesterday that I finally beat him at golf. It was only by one stroke, but I never thought I’d see the day. Then again, the more you do something, the more you improve. Usually, that’s the case anyway.

Andy’s back to annoying me with the celeb/black shit. I learned a couple of things a long time ago, though. You can’t change people’s minds just by sharing your own POV. Secondly, asking him to stop something does me no good most of the time. I’m learning more and more that it’s best to just ignore annoying people. If it was constantly in my face, that would be different. I don’t know if he just wants to annoy me and gets off on it or what, but I’ve told him enough times that I’m not into celebrities. Plus, he knows we have different opinions where blacks are concerned. It’s a no-brainer. There’s no real mystery here. So why he wants to keep sending me memes related to the Smith/Rock incident at the Oscars is beyond me.

Having a blah night. Totally wish I could snap my fingers and have it be daytime and us on the beach. I have a feeling that would turn off this feeling pretty quickly. Wish I could at least go out and sit on a dock over some canal or something like what my parents had for a while. Part of me is still tempted to run to a shrink, but what could she do for me??? Give me drugs I couldn’t handle. I still have no reason not to believe this isn’t going to be an issue on and off for the rest of my life, so I really have to learn to live with it or end it all. I still plan to give it till I’m 60.

I promised myself a long time ago that I would never give in to delusions and brainwash myself into believing there was a God who loved me and was looking out for me as a means of coping. None of that feel-good shit. Then again, if it would help me, why not? Even if I was kidding myself; if I could make myself believe that this story truly had an ending to it other than death, why not? Why not give myself hope, no matter how false it may be? If I could just tell myself, it’s only until I get adjusted to the new dose and until my hormones fully settle in, and then everything will be fine, and make myself believe it while I was at it, why the hell not?

I dropped the soundproof blanket down by the open side of the bed and covered most of it. Slept with the nature sound up a little louder and added an earplug and no thunder woke me up. Tom said on a scale of 1 to 10, the thunder was a 6 and there were several sessions of it too.

SATURDAY, APRIL 2, 2022
Looks like unless I don’t sleep as late as I want to or the storm hits later than they predict, my sleep is pretty screwed next time around. Therefore, I stuck the small fan on the headboard shelf and dropped the blanket. I just left a little bit of an opening by my head. If it’s anything like last night, I’m screwed either way.

While the doghouse might be a very clever setup, it really is a pain in the ass and I really hope that eventually, wherever the hell we are, we can have the room/windows done. Then again, if we get “deported” from Florida, we’re not gonna need to soundproof to such a degree. If we end up in another park, we will have to do some soundproofing, but if you don’t have storms like this and you’re not where motorcycles are all over the place then we wouldn’t have to really go all out.

If we get green carded, I would rather have the windows and walls done rather than the windows and the bed. Well, the floors and ceilings are likely going to have to be done as well as the room/windows. Plus, we’ll need solid doors. Maybe he and I can swap bedrooms so there’s only one window and less to have to soundproof (if we’re in this house that long). If I got a small waterbed, I could still fit some of the furniture in there, like the tall and long dresser, and just leave him with the nightstands and armoire. First, we just gotta see if I can stay in the state.

Anyway, I’m going to go to bed with the underwater sound a little louder and add an earplug. Yesterday was ferocious and I would have hardly gotten any sleep if I was crashing around the time the storm started. There were a couple of really loud thunderclaps that would definitely have woken me up. I think what’s more important is how loud the thunder gets as opposed to how often. Most of what I heard probably wouldn’t have woken me up. It went on and on for hours and we got tons of rain. It was nice to listen to while I was awake. I was so grateful to be awake too. It just sucks to know that most of the storms are going to occur when I’m sleeping.

I awoke to a beautiful sight across the street… Darren’s house completely empty, LOL. I couldn’t sleep last night and was up forever. Part of it was because I felt so good that I didn’t want the moment to end. While I was lying there in bed at 4:30 in the morning reviewing my Italian on the phone, I heard a car door. So I pulled up the cam and sure enough, there was his truck and trailer and I’m like, OMG, you’ve got to be kidding me! He’s back? Turns out they must have forgotten something because they got whatever it was they needed and then left.

I can just imagine the hours of driving gone to waste! They had to have left somewhere between 9:00 and midnight. I suspected they would spend most of the time on the road at night too, when there was less traffic. They first honked in one in the morning after all. I don’t know how the hell these people can stay up all night when they normally sleep at night, but anyway, they had to have gotten pretty far before they realized they had to come back. I would have been so pissed! Depending on how far into Ontario they’re going and if they take turns driving, it should only take them a couple of days. Then they can enjoy temps in the 20s and 30s. LOL.

I think I’ll drop my cross-country trips for now. I won’t delete them but I’m not gonna bother with them for now. I want to go on shorter rides so I can visit different places in less time and accumulate more coins while I’m at it. I’ve been all over the US just about so I’m not really seeing anything new there, although some of my trips will be in the US. For the most part, I want to ride through different countries and places I’ll likely never go to. I’m halfway through a Brazilian trip right now. Last night I went to Tunisia and OMG, what a scummy place! Trash everywhere, rundown buildings galore.

Had a weird chat with Andy last night. He said he was discussing Facebook and privacy with his sister when she Googled him and found all kinds of pictures of his that are private. What made it weird was that when I Googled him, I didn’t find anything on him.

I hate the new Waterpik because it’s hard to control. Tom’s going to use it. Instead, I just ordered new heads for the old one.

I’m trying a different style of bra. Because I’m so big, it’s hard to get something really comfortable. Instead of a lightly padded wireless bra, I’m getting a wired bra with no padding. Of course, it isn’t until after I ordered this thing that I find a racerback bra. Oh well. I put it in the Save for Later section for another time.

I’m also getting sick of magnesium capsules I can’t swallow and having to break them open, so I ordered some in tablet form.

The gummies aren’t helping much. I took one earlier because I felt the anxiety picking up, but it didn’t get as bad as a couple of days ago when I took my last 88.

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Last updated May 30, 2024