May 2021 in 2020-2024

MONDAY, MAY 31, 2021
Just sitting here waiting for today’s internal shitstorm to begin. Sipping cohosh and primrose tea for whatever good it will do me. Plus I took a Gennev.

This is the third day in a row with less than seven hours of sleep. This time I can blame it on the fucking skunk that let one rip too close to home. Goddamn, do I hope these fuckers aren’t a regular issue in Florida!

Yesterday ended up being a shitty day and Gennev’s magnesium is proving to be worthless, just like everything else has. I had the same problem I’ve had twice recently which Tom thinks is due to skipping too many times. I’ve skipped a total of three times recently but have taken my med the last couple of days and am determined to learn to tough it out once and for all as impossible as that may seem.

It started off when I was light-headed for a minute or two and then later my heart started beating a little fast and a little hard. Then sure enough, once I passed the halfway mark of my day, I was anxious and it went on for more than four to five hours. It lasted most of the rest of my day.

I just don’t know what to think or do anymore! I think it’s got to be on the medication. It just seems that my hormones wouldn’t know what point of my day I was in but a medication I took certainly would. Also, people describe menopausal anxiety as being extra worrisome, not waves of adrenaline in the chest making you feel the way it makes you feel emotionally, sometimes even wishing you could just drop dead. But a foreign chemical I was taking into my body certainly could even if it’s supposed to be the “same stuff” my thyroid makes.

And why did I have similar symptoms as what I had when I first went to 75 and then to 88 where the chest anxiety became prominent at the end of 2016? Since when does menopause cause you to have the runs, lose your appetite, and lose weight? That’s just not the way it works. Your appetite increases and you gain weight… Without the runs.

I just don’t get why I don’t have any anxiety every single time I take the medication. But still, something’s got to be wrong somewhere. It just seems too extreme for menopause so unless they’re missing something, the answer has to lie within the medication. It’s just that I’ve never heard about people not being able to do something about their menopause symptoms. Why do so many people swear by things like black cohosh, primrose, magnesium, and other things if they don’t help?

I started to lose hope in the extremely off-chance of it being the house when I remembered that I was feeling really anxious in the chest one time when I went to my old dentist, and then the stomach anxiety when I was on my way to Stacey one day. But the anxiety did start at home. I can’t remember a time when I went out and then became anxious, not that I’m out very often to begin with.

I just wish I could know what it is, what (if anything) I could do about it, and if it will ever go away! It would be such a huge relief if I knew it was hormonal and wouldn’t last forever. I think that right there would help tremendously. But I can’t possibly know this.

This isn’t something I can just disengage myself from, ignore, or simply walk away from as much as I wish to hell I could. No, I couldn’t do that any more than I could turn off past impossible dreams, goals, and desires until time, circumstances or both turned them off for me. I’d love to be able to say, “I’m not going to take this shit. I’m not going to acknowledge it. I’m going to totally ignore it and not let it get to me.”

But sadly, it just doesn’t work that way.

I totally misunderstood Tom the other day. He wasn’t talking about turning the garage into a bedroom/office but an office/workshop instead.

We’re still torn between going inland versus coastal. Every time we find a place that seems ideal, there’s a catch…too close to a train track, too close to a highway, etc. At this point, I say just let the cheapest place win! I’m not going to get the kind of quiet I want anyway, so why not?

Doc A showed up in my dreams again last night for a sleepover in our two-story house, lol. I ran down a hallway (or was it a staircase?) to greet her when she arrived at the house in the evening. I said, “Hi, I’ve missed you!” with my arms outstretched for a hug. Then I stopped and asked if I could hug her. She said yes.

A short while later, Tom was turning in for bed early. He was about to head up the stairs to the bedrooms which were off the kitchen while Doc A was whispering something unintelligible in my ear.

Took a break from this entry to take a shower. Of course I had to listen to the paper car right after I got out. At least the planes should be quiet for two or three hours before they start back up again.

After my recent concoction, I felt a wave of fatigue and also a bit calmer. The internal shitstorm probably won’t begin till around 6:30. I still can’t believe I’m going through this shit! My life could be damn near perfect if it wasn’t for this shit. This is all wrong. This shouldn’t be happening. Why must there always be one thing or another? Well, I can assure you that my past problems were much easier than this!

SUNDAY, MAY 30, 2021
Still looking at different houses in different parts of the state. There’s a place in Port Orange that has a garage which he talked about turning into his office/bedroom but since he’s always been kind of neighbor-conscious, wouldn’t that look weird to them? And is he really going to trek through the dark and humidity when he wakes up having to pee in the middle of the night? Also, garages aren’t very sealed up and I would worry about giant spiders or even snakes slithering in there while he was sleeping. Furthermore, while I would appreciate some alone time, that would feel too weird, almost like I was living alone.

Another thing I didn’t like about the location, although it was close to the beach, was that the neighboring houses were extremely close, it’s even closer to a highway, and it’s too close to the clubhouse as well. I don’t want to be running back to the same shit I’m trying to escape. Even though the highway wouldn’t be elevated and there’s a block wall in between, why would I want to go from 1100 feet from the highway to 250 feet?

Then he found a much better one in Lakeland with a waterfront view that also has its pros and cons but that I would prefer to the Port Orange place. The pros are the view and that it’s a nice house. The houses are also spread further apart and it’s not too close to highways or clubhouses.

The negatives are that it’s a corner house which means we would hear similar shit as we do here but hopefully fewer planes. It would also be a long drive to the beach, not that we wouldn’t have the time to make the drive.

The house really is beautiful. The only other negative I just found when looking at it again was that no windows overlook the lake other than maybe a bedroom window. How do you enjoy the view from your home when your lanai’s on the other side?

I just wish traffic was like it was 15-20 years ago where you didn’t really notice it and you just heard things like UPS and the trash trucks and didn’t have a million motorcycles, diesel trucks that sound like semis, muscle cars, and boom car stereos, though I can’t believe stereos would be a problem there.

No place is going to be perfect. There definitely is no escaping the mutts and especially those damn motorcycles. But two people in Florida said they weren’t a big deal there so that’s a little hopeful even though I still wonder if I’m cursed at times with the way I just “happen” to get so many exceptions.

There’s still the soundproofing that looks hopeful as far as helping me sleep and blocking out project noise as well. I think soundproofing the rest of the house is going to depend on whether or not the lanai is off of the main house or separate. Obviously, it would work well if it was separate but if the lanai was attached to the house, then wouldn’t soundproofing the house be kind of pointless?

Speaking of pros and cons, I’m trying to decide if I want to let the termites think I’m still in Cali or tell them we moved to another state before the virus hit but not say where, of course. It should be a few years before the Internet takes it upon itself to broadcast our new address. I’ll be watching in regular intervals so I can do whatever I can to get it removed. Anyway, I don’t know that it matters other than that they may be less likely to try to figure out this address to send stuff here or call the Citrus Heights piggies if they think we’re not here. I just want to wait over a year so that if she does send anything here, it’s not forwarded. I hope the next lady will mark it Return to Sender and throw it back in the mailbox but my guess is she’ll probably open it without realizing it wasn’t to her or be curious even if she does realize it, and then dump it.

Yesterday Kim told me she loves the diamond painting I did for her.

Going to be having triple-digit weather today and tomorrow.

Had a dream he was all excited about a place that was inside a giant barn-like building with other houses. LOL

Then there were dreams about being surprised to spot a skunk in the middle of the afternoon, and some guy struggling to keep up with me as we were jogging.

Next, we were having a little reunion with Miss Perfect and Dave somewhere. There were other people around as well as a few kids. She still seemed to have a chip on her shoulder and was not very eager to talk to me whenever I would ask questions about her life or make comments.

Eventually, we all got up to leave, me grabbing a hoodie and then realizing the weather was too warm for it and that I would have to lug it around with me. I ran up a hill to keep up with the others who were making their way along a wide street somewhere.

SATURDAY, MAY 29, 2021
If we had a house this big, though I simply can’t see us in a place this big when we move, I wouldn’t need a treadmill as long as we kept it sparsely furnished or at least set up in a way that allowed me a clear running track. I’ve been doing three 5-minute walking bursts alternated between three 5-minute jogging bursts.

I asked Andy and Kim their opinion on the matter. I don’t know why I’m so curious but that’s just how I naturally am.

Kim is kind of annoying me. Yesterday I asked if she got my envelope and she said she thinks so but spent the day busily preparing for shoulder surgery next Tuesday and had woken up to the sound of birds. She said she was going to go back to sleep for another hour and would look later but I never heard back from her. Meanwhile, she’s been online a few times yet hasn’t confirmed that she got it. Hate that shit. I used to get that from Paula where I would send a package and wouldn’t hear anything about it for weeks, sometimes even months.

I was totally horrified and discouraged to read that symptoms can continue for an average of 7.4 years after a woman’s last period, including mood changes. Seven-point-fucking-four years?!?!?! You mean I could be just barely past the halfway point of this shit?! There’s no fucking way I can stand another 6 years of this torture. Just no fucking way. If it goes on for a total of 15 years and I make it to 80, that will be 12% of my life! Gennev’s menopause magnesium arrives today but it’s hard to be hopeful after so long. The only positive that came from reading what I read was that there’s still a chance it’s not the medication because that would be the worst thing it could be along with my thyroid itself.

Didn’t feel anxious yesterday when I skipped my med. Tom thinks I did better yesterday because it’s a psychological thing. Maybe so since I took it today and I’m still fine. Either way, I wish I could quit the shit for a few months. Then I would know for sure but there’s no way I could stand the hypo symptoms either so that’s not an option.

Woke up with a backache today. Had a massage and it helped but it’s back so I’ll have another massage soon.

My bite has continued to be off too. When I clamp my teeth together, only the teeth on the right side touch. The left side barely touches anymore and I wonder if it’s because of my TMJ. I did hear that that can offset things, so I don’t know. My TMJ definitely seems to prefer it hot and dry. Now let’s also hope it also likes hot and humid. Cold weather along with elevation definitely doesn’t help.

Finally remembered a dream I had last night where I was seeing my old dentist in a small enclosed room. The room was inside some kind of building. A buffet was outside of it. She was just finishing up with me when she told me to gather my stuff and listed off a few things, one of them being something I couldn’t understand. She shut the light off before I finished gathering my stuff up and I asked her to turn it back on. She flicked it back on for a few seconds so I could make sure I wasn’t forgetting anything. Then she put on a winter coat and matching earmuffs and said goodbye as she shut and locked the door and headed outside through a door by the exam room.

Then I was standing in the crowded area where people were loading trays of food. People were seated nearby as well and there was a long line of people waiting for seats. I was hungry as hell and wondered how people managed to starve themselves. I looked around for Tom and spotted him talking to some guy. I was glad to see him holding bags of food so we could take off and eat as soon as we got home. I moved toward him through the throng of people and asked where I should go and he guided me toward the end of the line and said, “That way.”

The crowds and noise began to fray my nerves. Someone was letting their kid play some loud obnoxious video game on their phone or tablet and I wanted to leave. However, I was tightly squeezed into the line and found it wasn’t so easy to break free as I scanned the area for Tom and wondered where he disappeared to.

FRIDAY, MAY 28, 2021
I can’t deny the fact that it still saddens me, like when I woke up early in the evening, knowing that if Aly was alive I’d have messages waiting for me even if it was just trivial things and asking how I was doing.

I had a shitty night last night with anxiety. I’ve definitely noticed a pattern trending with me lately and that’s that it usually gets me around the middle of my day and lasts 4-5 hours. Decided to try Gennev’s brand of magnesium which will arrive Sunday. It’s 17 bucks a bottle but I’d pay a million times more if it’ll work. I doubt it will, though, because nothing has yet but I can’t resist the natural urge to try to help myself so I can feel better.

I realize there could be one or more culprits involved ranging from menopause to the medication to the thyroid itself. I’m skipping today’s dose, though, and this will be my third skip, so tomorrow I’ll go back to taking it consistently.

As for my toe, I’m virtually positive it’s not Melanoma because the stripe would be darker, thicker, and extend up under my cuticle if it was. I’m pretty sure it’s a splinter hemorrhage though I’m not sure how I got it.

A random memory decided it would be a fine time to pop into mine when I was showering and that was when my wonderful father told me he would “walk away” if I kept expressing how frustrated I was with his abusive wife back in the late 80s or so because “that was his wife I was talking about.”

The older, smarter me would have said, “Well, I’m your daughter so let me take the honors of being the one to walk away.”

But it’s complicated. It’s complicated because if I hadn’t reached out to them for help after dumping my parents for a decade when we got in a jam when we first came to Cali 14 years ago, we wouldn’t have been pulled out of the quicksand that was quickly swallowing us up. Nor would we have gotten the money to get out of Jesse’s dumpy old trailer and into this place where we could ultimately get a decent sum of money to get a place in a better state, despite how noisy it’s been here.

Speaking of that better state, Tom’s really liking this city that’s a little smaller than Citrus Heights called Port Orange. He showed me a 45k house he wants and while the house didn’t really speak to me and get me all excited since it’s a corner lot with the same less-than-exciting view we have here, we could practically ride our bikes to the beach just three miles away! But houses are selling fast there just like they are here so it will probably be gone when we’re ready.

Since we’re likely to be more in central or northern Florida (just not very northern Florida) we talked about some things we might want to do there like watching some of the rockets take off. Not sure I would really be interested in Epcot Center but Busch Gardens looks like it would be a lot of fun. I sure as hell wouldn’t want to go on any of the roller coasters, but some of the rides look fun and there would be other things to do as well like shopping and dining and they have these little safari tours as well.

Can’t wait to take tons of pics of the move, whatever house we end up with, and the things we do!

Another positive to not going too far south is that we would be less likely to be evacuated for hurricanes and if we decided we didn’t like being in a park there any more than here but still like the state, it’s closer to rural areas that we could check out as possible alternatives. I think Steinhatchee would be too far north and the winters would be too much like here. But starting off in a park is a better way to test the climate because we could get out of there faster if we had to leave the state altogether than if we got some rural place.

I would have loved going extremely remote 20 years ago when I was younger and healthier but with us getting older and spoiled by modern conveniences, we’re not so sure it would be wise to be that isolated and I know we would both miss the high-speed Internet end having things delivered right to our door. We’ve never had to yet but I like knowing that I could run next door or across the street if the car crapped out and we needed to get somewhere in a hurry, even though there’s always Uber for that, but still.

Burgundy is definitely my new favorite hair color. It looks so good on me! Took some pictures of it but the pictures don’t do it justice at all. My hair looks lighter in the photos too. It’s actually a rich deep warm shade of burgundy that looks great on me. My hair also looks thinner than it is in the pictures. It’s not thick like when I was younger but it’s not thin either.

Later…

Sometimes it bothers me that I’ll never have the home of my dreams and by saying that I don’t mean a luxury mansion either. I don’t even mean something small and luxurious. Just a peaceful modest place that isn’t too big or too small where I feel at home. A place that really speaks to me. I don’t know how to describe it but it has to do with the house itself and what’s around it that makes it stand out or not. Sometimes I’ll pass by a place and realize I could feel really comfortable and at home there and all that, but I honestly don’t think it’s in my cards any more than it was ever in my cards to marry a woman, have a kid, or make it as a writer. I think the place is going to be just there with no special “homey” or cozy kind of feeling. I don’t think I’m ever going to literally love where I live, feel really blessed to live there and be unable to imagine ever moving again.

Even so, I believe the next place really is likely to be it. So knowing what’s in my cards and what isn’t, I’ll just take whatever we can afford as long as it’s not literally unappealing. I’m not even going to be lucky enough to get in a petless park or a petless section. I don’t know how I know this. I just do. Some things really never do change and there really is no escaping them. The best I can do is hope that it’s at least not as noisy as this place in general and that the soundproofing we intend to do helps a lot. Then it would only be annoying when we were in the lanai.

THURSDAY, MAY 27, 2021
About 28 days to go! The only things I’ll miss are the dry air, taking walks around the park, and some of the neighbors. It kind of blows my mind knowing that I probably won’t even do more than 30 more California entries. But now it’s getting even more real. As in time to start watching quantities when shopping since the less we have to move the better.

There were 5 Green Gobbler sticks left that you throw down the drain to control odors and eat up organic matter. We used those up by throwing them down both shower drains, kitchen and bathroom sinks, and the tub.

We’re getting the money’s worth out of stuff that doesn’t have much left in it to be worth moving. Oh, this is so fun. LOL, most of the cleaning stuff we’ll leave for her since the fewer liquids we move the better.

We shouldn’t need more laundry or dish pods in this state. If there’s any fabric softener left over, she can have it. I’m even going to leave the laundry bag because I have another one we never used that’s still in its package. It might be packed already. Then again, if we go back to the top loaders I prefer, being that they’re easier to clean, we won’t need them.

These were cheap $40 pots and pans we got and we’ll have to decide if they’re worth taking or if we should get new ones there but I’m guessing we’ll take them. They can be replaced later. We’ll even take the plastic cups I plan to replace because we still need to drink out of something when we’re not drinking out of cans and bottles. No need to replace the mugs I have. I just have too many, LOL. I might leave a few behind.

Good news and bad news. As I suspected, we won’t be getting into Spanish Lakes in Port Saint Lucie because the realtor said they usually want you to have at least $1600 a month. What surprises me is that most places have an application fee which is totally ridiculous. How hard can it be to look at someone’s income and tell if they qualify? Plus to run a background check if they do make enough? But hey, if worse comes to absolute worst, there’s always that stilt house up in Steinhatchee.

Another bad thing but that doesn’t surprise me is that he finally found a place that tells you which parks allow motorcycles and that’s almost all of them. Only about 1 out of 100 forbids them. Yeah, I don’t expect to be able to dodge those or the dogs but I know it’s going to be better than this place even if it wasn’t soundproofed but of course it will be. It’s just that we might not get much peace when we’re sitting out in the lanai and people are letting their dogs bark and doing whatever projects they’re doing. Yet I don’t expect the lanai to be pleasant most of the year anyway due to the humidity.

He found another town he’s investigating called Orange City. I don’t like the name but that’s not important, of course. It’s reasonably priced as it’s more inland but still only a half-hour from the beach.

The good news is that the inspector isn’t coming until Tuesday and we don’t have to be out of the house like we originally thought. We didn’t have to be when they inspected the place in Phoenix so I was kind of surprised when he first said we might have to be out.

We were given a long form to fill out if anything doesn’t work. Would have been nice if they’d done that for us when we moved in here, as he said. We didn’t even know the self-cleaning part of the oven didn’t work, or its timer.

Not much else going on around here. Nancy’s getting new flooring, we ran out to Rite Aid, and I dyed my hair burgundy. Beautiful color.

Now I just have to hope the old me makes its way back soon. Two out of the four possible culprits will be eliminated soon, although I still can’t believe it could be connected to the cemetery or negative energy within the house. That’s just too easy. It’s got to be connected to either hormones or medication. I can’t believe it’s the thyroid itself since I never felt this way before being diagnosed.

I also hope his flu-like symptoms are gone by tomorrow. This has got to be the strongest vaccine he’s ever gotten! The nurse did warn him though. He felt better most of the day until we went to the store.

Later…

The anxiety I had for 4-5 hours throughout the night has dissipated and while that’s wonderful, I still shouldn’t be going through this back-and-forth bullshit! I should be focused on the move and able to enjoy concentrating on that without this shit thrown into the mix. Life could be pretty damn good if it wasn’t for this shit spoiling things.

Seven years later I’m wracking my brains trying to figure out what the fuck it could be and I can only come up with that it’s either one or more of three things - hormones, the poison, or the thyroid itself. I agree that it’s unlikely that I have tumors or heart disease so it’s got to be one or more of those three things.

If I can never know for sure I just wish I knew what the fuck to do about it! Tapping doesn’t work anymore and nothing else I tried worked. It comes and goes at random and every time I think I might be on to something, I find I’m not. I don’t know, sometimes I think it’s still a bit extreme for hormones and that it’s a hell of a coincidence that this problem started with the medication. But the anxiety that I’ve had since 2014 has been different at different times, as funny as that may sound.

Oh fuck. So now the commercials are going to start flying at 4-fucking-30 instead of 5:30?

As I was saying before I was distracted, remember how I had the booming heart and panic attacks when I first went to 75s? Well, my heart is beating hard at times but not that hard. And I also feel adrenaline in my chest but I’m not panicking. Then there was the time I went to Stacey before she taught me how to tap where I had the stomach anxiety and for a while, it seemed like taping was magic. It stopped it dead in its tracks. But then soon enough, I was having anxiety where I felt afraid to be left alone, and then she EMDR’d me. It was about half a year later that the chest anxiety began in December of 2016. The only kind of anxiety I’ve had that smacks of menopause was the 15 months I had where my heart raced me awake.

I see a definite pattern trending lately. It usually starts around the middle of my day and lasts 4-5 hours.

I was reading back in my 2016 journal and it seems that for the better part of that year, I didn’t have as much anxiety. It got really bad in December and this wasn’t long after finding out that my TSH was a 7. So my first thought was that it was the poison but then I didn’t start skipping until around that time either, so I don’t know. I just don’t know anymore. I just don’t understand why it would get worse.

But then another discouraging thing I read back on was that Doc A told me it’s a “medical disorder” which means I can go months without having anxiety and then it can pick up. So could I have developed a medical disorder when I started the poison that has nothing to do with menopause, thyroid, or medication???

To think that I may have to live another 20 years with this shit if we can’t ever figure it out and it doesn’t go away on its own makes me want to bash my fucking head in the wall until my brains are forever engraved into it.

WEDNESDAY, MAY 26, 2021
The countdown is on! We should be gone in 30 days so we’ll probably be here for our anniversary but not his birthday!!! The woman who wants this house will buy it contingent upon her current house selling which is now in escrow. We’re pretty sure it is the last single woman that looked at it. She’s downsizing from a house she’s selling for $450,000 and even offered an additional grand. That’s her deposit which we would get if anything fell through that caused her to back out but I don’t see that happening. Gosh, I hope not! We just want to get the hell out of the House of Terror as I named it. After we’ve lived in various places, I kind of gave them these little nicknames. Well, given how my health has terrorized me at times in this place, it only seems fitting. Not even a week after moving in, I knew I didn’t want to be here forever because of the noise, even though it took a year for the medication and hormone issues to really get going.

Next up comes the inspection that takes 2 hours and that we have to be gone for. That’s where a potential kink could be thrown into our plans. If they find anything that needs to be repaired then we’ll either pay to have it fixed ourselves or let them take the money out of the sale of the house to get it fixed on their own. We know the hot water tank needs to be replaced because it’s making these “popcorn” sounds and it usually bursts not long afterward like what happened in Phoenix and at Jesse’s trailer.

My biggest fear is termites. Many of the homes here have had them in the past, including this place. Because we’re getting so much more than expected for the house and we have so much available to us on credit if we have to get the place tented and spend a week in a hotel, then so be it.

Poor Tom spent the day with horrible side effects from his shingles vaccine. And this was only the first shot. Within the next couple of months, he has to get a second one which he plans to get in Florida. Covered California isn’t just a California thing but a federal thing so we can use it there too. One more year and he has Medicare.

His exam went great, though. His blood pressure was great and his cholesterol was so low that Doc A asked if he was on cholesterol medication, lol.

Anyway, Pierce informed us that we would have a few days’ notice before inspections, and as Tom told him, it’s easier for me to push my schedule than to hold it so I’m going to stay up as late as I can. Unfortunately, this means I can’t be very active or do anything that will tire me out. So no working out. I’m just going to be totally lazy. Just writing, movies, good food, and audiobooks for the most part.

Coming down in an old beat-up 1950s Datsun pickup and going out first class is not half bad at all! First class is cheap now. About $700 for a ticket.

We still don’t know exactly where we’re going but we’re homing in on a couple of locations and he’s begun contacting realtors there. We’re both doing research like crazy. We’re not going to pack more stuff until after the inspection.

We’re just so glad that Pierce doesn’t want to show the house to more people to get even more offers. We would rather lose 5 grand or so to get out sooner. We just want to get this over with!

Don’t know if the next place will be our forever home but if it isn’t, it should be our second to last home. We really would like to get into Spanish Lakes, a somewhat fancy retirement community in Port Saint Lucie. Not sure if they would accept us, though, since they are going to be more focused on monthly income and not what we have saved. He wouldn’t mind working part-time, though, if it was worth it enough. We could both do Door Dash and I still want to take a shot at an Etsy store even if I don’t hold out much hope there with all the competition.

There are also places on the Gulf side that have potential. I’ll be up through the night researching along with the other things I’ll be doing.

Because it’s getting close, I asked Kim to hold off on the package until I get our new address.

I filled Mrs. Twenties in and assured her that our friendship would live on through Facebook and she said she hoped so because she would be disappointed if it didn’t. Also, she might be nosey about my new life and I told her I would be happy to share. At that point, I don’t mind adding her to the Blogger list I created there.

I wonder if Molly remembers my last name. I hope not. If I decide to cut her loose, then she would know who to look for on Facebook but hey, she would be easy enough to block.

TUESDAY, MAY 25, 2021
Our house has sold!!! Pierce did say that things could fall through so don’t pop the champagne yet but he’s expecting a full cash offer!!! This means that not only are we going to get more money than we thought but things are also going to go faster than expected. There’s a good chance I may be canceling my ENT appointment on June 17th as well as my September and October appointments with Doc A and the dentist.

To back up in order of events, I offered Mrs. Twenties the two bamboo plants that were in smaller, prettier vases. One in a lavender vase and one in a green vase. I’ll just leave the larger clear vase that’s holding a few bamboo stalks here for the next people to do what they want unless the cleaning lady takes it for herself. Mrs. Twenties said she would like to have them and thanked me. They were out at the time so I left them on the table outside the front of their place. I’m glad they’ll get to have a home and live on at least for a while with someone who we’ll take care of them.

I slept shitty last night, waking up several times. I could have sworn a series of bangs woke me up but Tom said he didn’t hear anything. I also thought that the sound machine changed, like maybe Alexa cut out for a bit since the Internet is spotty in that area.

Then I had dreams of meeting Aly and possibly Andy too at a hotel but that’s all I remember.

Then there was the nightmare where I had to have surgery, and instead of knocking me out through an IV in my arm or hand, they shot something in my upper stomach and while it made me really woozy, I realized I couldn’t breathe.

When I finally got up; I don’t know if “sensed” is exactly the right word but I either sensed or imagined or thought of Aly hugging me and telling me it was going to be a great day.

Got up at 2:45. By 3:20 I was surprised that Tom wasn’t back yet from seeing Doc A. I began to get a little concerned but then I remembered Life360. So I opened the app and found he was on the move. I even enabled Crash Detection but not to automatically dispatch help.

It turns out he was caught in traffic forever because they closed part of a road down, and at the house, we could hear tons of helicopters swarming around. We figured it was a suspect chase but one of the ladies looking at the house confirmed that it was actually a downed Internet pole that hit some cars and all that even though no one was hurt.

We had lookers scheduled for 4:30 and 5:15 but because of the traffic jam, the first lookers were a half-hour late. In fact, they were still here when the second lookers came. The first looker was a woman by herself and she gave me an even more promising feeling than yesterday’s couple. The second lookers were two women who didn’t give me any feelings either way.

The woman who gave me a good feeling was of average height and had surprisingly thick eyebrows and wide hips for being older. She had a bit of a deep husky voice as well. I hated to lie to her when she asked if it was quiet but we did mention the delivery trucks. We just left out all the other shit. They also asked questions about furniture and utility bills and the things people would normally ask.

One of the ladies that came with another woman couldn’t figure out how to flush the toilet after she peed, lol.

It was practically right after they left that Pierce texted us saying that he was expecting the full cash offer. Tom replied saying that we had questions and then he called and asked him what he wanted to know as far as how the process works since there’s so much to line up. We’ve got to hire the Florida realtor. We’ve got to book a rental. We’ve got to arrange for the moving pods. We’ve got to have Candy shipped. We’ve got to get our plane tickets.

The thing dampening the excitement is not being able to share it with Aly. Again, I have no way to know if she somehow lives on and knows what’s going on or not. I’ve never been dead yet so I don’t know. I just know it sucks not being able to Skype with her regularly. I miss her SO damn much. It truly sucks that we’ll never get to meet each other. Sometimes it’s still hard to believe that she’s gone. It’s just so fucking unfair. She may not have been the most honest person on earth but she was a great person overall and she didn’t deserve to die at 40 years old while so many murderers and other degenerates out there make it well into their golden years. That’s just so unfair.

The other thing dampening the excitement was my fucking health, of course. If I could know for sure that it’s due to menopause, that might make it a hell of a lot easier to endure. It’s just that some of my symptoms are also symptoms of heart disease. From a logical standpoint, it makes sense that it’s the menopause but damn do I wish it with just stop, whatever it is! I’m so sick of this back-and-forth bullshit and I want my old self back. Yesterday I ended up feeling pretty good but today I started off a little lightheaded and then I felt warm and hot flashy and then my heart was racing. It actually wasn’t beating that fast, though. It wasn’t in the triple digits. It was actually in the 80s and 90s where it usually is when it felt like it was beating hard and irregularly. I almost felt jittery and breathless but not exactly “anxious.” Yet I did even more research and I’m at the stage of the process where estrogen decreases even more and these symptoms are common.

So I ran and took my supplements and had a cup of black cohosh tea and again it either helped or was just a coincidence. After a few hours of that shit, I’ve felt fine ever since. I just wish my situation was simpler. Back when I had asthma attacks, it was easy. I knew exactly what was going on and there was no mystery. I had asthma and I needed to quit smoking. Period.

Despite my intermittent suffering, this is definitely a very emotional time for me!

SATURDAY, MAY 22, 2021
Yesterday ended up being a pretty horrible day for me. My heart raced all day and I felt more anxious the further into my day I got. Today I took my medication and I’m doing okay. Not great but okay. Again, I have no idea what the hell is going on. It’s so random and I just don’t know why and wonder if I ever will. Tomorrow could be another good day or it could be a shitty day. It’s like it’s hit or miss.

We showed the house today to a stout woman with long blonde hair. We left to give her and the realtor privacy to speak more freely and all that. The realtor said to give them 15 minutes so we drove around the park slowly. We were pretty sure we crossed paths with the house hunter less than 10 minutes later as we were circling back, so I’m guessing that might not be a good thing.

What was most interesting was the fact that the anxiety I started off with dissipated when we left the house. I would really love to think a good part of it could be something bad connected to the house or cemetery but that one still seems too good to be true. I’m kind of borderline right now where I don’t feel great but I don’t feel bad.

Anyway, we have someone coming to check out the place at 3:00 tomorrow. We’re surprised too because we didn’t expect lookers coming every day. We thought maybe every few days or so. We saw someone stop and grab a flyer too. I just want to hurry up and get the hell out of here!

FRIDAY, MAY 21, 2021
Our first lookers were a no-show. Damnit. I hope they have the runs all night long!

Someone’s supposed to come tomorrow at 2:00 as well, so hopefully they’ll show up.

The office contacted him saying they noticed our house was for sale and we’re supposed to fill out a form for that. It’s an Intent to Sell form that we’re surprised Pierce didn’t tell us about. He took a walk down to the office and got the form.

For a brief moment, I thought about how funny it would be, but not too surprising, if the homebuyer people finally contacted us after we contacted a realtor, and they did. They sent a message saying they haven’t forgotten about us but have had many requests for their services and are backed up and all that. Did it really have to take this long for them to tell us that?

The more I think about the stilt house the less it appeals to me, though it’d still be a great backup if we don’t find anything else we like. The only positives to it are the peace and price. There are so many negatives to it. It’s just so damn remote. I would take it over this place in a heartbeat and I would have loved it when I was younger but now that we’re getting older, I don’t know that I want us to be that isolated. Then we would have to deal with the spotty Internet connection all over again, wells, and we could forget about Walmart deliveries too. I may be an introvert but not that much of one. He’s always been a hermit yet even he agrees it would be better for us to be in a park, preferably a co-op, around other people. A gated community is a bit safer as well.

One of my biggest fears being in the wilderness during our brief time on Bly Mountain in Oregon was running into bears and big cats. I don’t want to have to go back to that shit. Also, as Andy pointed out, the house is on stilts for a reason. Well, I don’t want us to get trapped by floods. Lastly, it’s too far North and would get cold at night in the winter just like it does here. Hell, we’re still getting cold at night. We’re supposed to get down to 49 degrees tonight and it’s already getting late in May.

I can’t wait for Sunday so we can warm back up again and hopefully be less windy as well. The cool spell we’ve been having along with the wind has been amplifying the planes and helicopters and making them annoying as hell.

To add to those annoyances will be that really loud Pride bus returning to take Diane to and from daycare once again. Dixie said she’ll be returning to her daycare program soon. Figured she couldn’t wait until we got the hell out of here.

Nancy had the inside of her house painted today but they were quiet about it.

An hour and a half after today’s potential buyer failed to show up, we mailed out the colorful kitty and butterfly diamond painting I made for Kim and then we went to Rite Aid and picked up some wine and treats.

He has his appointment with Doc A on Monday and maybe she can tell him why he bleeds so easily when he gets a cut. His lower legs look awful with discoloration from varicose veins and all that. I made him promise me he’ll have her look over all his spots to make sure nothing looks like it could be cancerous or at least precancerous.

It totally figures that I’ll be asleep when he’s at his appointment. I wouldn’t want to go back to the days of having the house to myself for 12 hours a day, 5 days a week, but it would be nice every now and then. So it figures I’ll be sleeping through it, not that he should be gone for long.

I had a really shitty day. While I did feel anxious, my racing heart was what was most noticeable throughout the day. It was so frustrating! At one point I felt warm and then I felt fatigued but nothing major as far as those feelings go.

I skipped my meds the day before yesterday and felt great. I skipped them today and felt like shit. So once again I’m not sure the medication is involved. My first thought was – well, maybe it’s residual effects - but if that was the case, why did I feel so good a couple of days ago?

Tom feels it’s because we have so much going on and there’s so much unknown at the moment. He said that when we went through the crisis in the trailer and at the motel before that, it was a straightforward situation where we knew what the problem was and what we needed to fix it. He’s so right, too. We were broke and we needed money. It was that simple. But now there’s so much in the air. We think we like the Gulf side better than the Atlantic side but where will we go for sure? When will it happen? Will we have to stay in a hotel here before we go? What will my new doctors be like? Will they be helpful in any significant way? How will the climate affect us? What will our neighbors be like?

The questions are endless and I just hope he’s right when he says he truly believes without a doubt that once we get settled and don’t have so much mystery going on in our lives and can take the time to better focus on it, we can figure out what it is and how to deal with it. Well, I’ve definitely had enough of this shit! I have never felt so bad than in the time we’ve lived in this house. I know it’s a long shot and total wishful thinking but it sure would be nice if it was something about this house itself that was simply cursing me physically and especially emotionally. I’ve read stories about those who have had an endless stream of “back luck” after moving into certain places. I don’t think I could get that lucky, though, to simply be able to up and move and be done with it. It’ll follow me. I know it will. I just don’t feel as confident as he does that we’ll ever figure out what it is or at least what to do about it even if we don’t know exactly what the cause(s) are. But damn, do I miss feeling like I felt before we moved into this damn place! I can never have my old thyroid back or my old vision or many other things but I wish I could at least have the version of myself back that didn’t have this kind of anxiety and to this degree.

I don’t know at all. I’m wrong sometimes. So hopefully this will be one of those times I’m wrong but I won’t count on it. Still, the process of elimination begins once we get out of here. When we do, there goes the house and there goes the giant cemetery. In a couple more years or less, there goes hormonal issues.

I swear it’s like something wants me to suffer at times since I can’t take psych meds without suffering the side effects but he feels confident I don’t need them. Well, I hope he’s right, and what he believes will end up being the case because I can’t do this for another 20 years or so. I just can’t. It’s way too hard on me. We’re almost 5 months into the year and I don’t think I can add up a total of 2 months where I felt good. I can’t keep playing this game forever. It would kill me if I didn’t kill myself first.

Began doing the wolf diamond painting that I’ll probably send to Eileen. I don’t think I’m going to like it much anyway. Too much gray. Also, these drills are square instead of round and that means they have to be placed very precisely in order to look good. It’s a good-sized painting that will take quite a while to do because of the way I can’t place the drills as quickly and you can’t see the image. It’s just a bunch of letters and symbols in a grid against a white background. So I might not even finish it while we’re still in this state. I sure hope not, anyway! That would mean things would be going horribly slow.

Wherever we end up, I can’t wait to soundproof! Being such a light sleeper and with all the thunderstorms they have, that alone will be reason enough. It’s gotten a lot easier and more affordable over the years. Wish we could have had this option and done it here eight years ago but of course not. The skinny piece of soundproofing material is supposed to be like having a 10-foot thick concrete wall surrounding you. So yeah, that oughta block sounds quite well. That way I won’t have to listen to people and their damn projects or barking if we don’t get into a petless park. Quieter would still be better so we could enjoy the lanai when the weather permits which isn’t anything we could soundproof very easily. But at least my sleep wouldn’t be threatened and I could have some peace inside the main house. We’re going to start with the bedroom and will eventually work our way around the entire house.

I still miss Aly and it’s still so hard to believe she’s gone. Every time something happens, good or bad, I wish I could Skype her about it and share it with her, and then I remember I can’t. Damn, do I really miss her! I shed a few tears of joy when I finally saw that for-sale sign and it got even more real but I’m not as excited as I would be if Aly were alive to share it with. I mean I am but I’m not. It’s still going to be an exciting and one seriously emotional day when we leave, in a good way, of course. I don’t doubt that I’ll be going ballistic with joy. It’s just that her not being around does dampen some of that excitement. People could tell me she’s out there somewhere and somehow knows what’s going on with me but I don’t know that for sure. I can’t make myself believe something out of sheer wishful thinking or desire. Oh, I think I’m going to burst into tears again.

THURSDAY, MAY 20, 2021
While I slept, Tom heard hammering which amazingly didn’t wake me up. He went out and checked in and found they had pounded in the for-sale sign in back of the house. They were just driving away when he got back there. So it’s for real!!!

But sadly, so is my anxiety. It was a Lupin day, too. I only have two more Sandoz left. Once again, I’m worried my problem is mostly on the medication as opposed to hormones, so I’m going to skip again tomorrow. A couple more years and the process of elimination can really begin as far as the hormones go. I’d love to believe it was on the hormones for the most part but I still can’t believe it could be this intense for this long.

We’re listed on his site as well as Coldwell Banker and she really took some gorgeous pics, too. I’d hire her in a heartbeat if I needed a photographer for some kind of event. I shared it on Facebook and made sure to exclude Norma and Michelle. Michelle, by the way, is the deadbeat she always was but I’m not going to delete her. She almost never posts anything so maybe she really isn’t on Facebook much to begin with.

Anyway, we already have a looker coming tomorrow afternoon. I was worried it may take time so we’re pleasantly surprised, not that the first looker is necessarily going to be interested in the place.

It’s too bad we can’t see how many people view and save our place like we can on Zillow. Speaking of them, we found a really remote place and northern Florida on the Gulf side in a small town called Steinhatchee. It has pros and cons to it but is definitely on our list if worst comes to worst and we can’t find anything else we really want. It’s a tiny house up on stilts but the reason it’s on stilts, of course, is because it’s in a flood zone. I love how it’s remote and the payments would be low, and while the house does need some work, it’s not that bad.

The negatives would be the longer drives to civilization when we needed to go shopping or see doctors. There’s no way Wal-Mart delivers out there! It’s been on the market for two years since most people don’t want to live that remote.

There is a small-plane airstrip nearby but we can’t believe it’s used very often at all. It’s not even paved. It would be so peaceful there! Another negative is that it would get cold at night in the winter as it does here. It wouldn’t be like Oregon but it would be like here. It’s so remote, though, that I don’t know if we would even need to soundproof the place. If we did, it would mostly be due to the storms. Even if the closest neighbors left their dogs outside most or all of the time, I can’t believe we would hear much of them there.

Maybe it would be a good place to start off if we couldn’t find anything else better that was in a co-op where the payments would be lower than a park set up like this, and then eventually sell it and head further south where it’s warmer. With us getting older, I don’t know if we should be that isolated.

I’ve been sharing all this with Kim and Andy and while that may be fun, damn, I wish I could share this with Aly!

WEDNESDAY, MAY 19, 2021
I had tons of dreams last night until a loud vehicle woke me up. Most of them didn’t make sense. The only one I really remember is an appointment with Doc O. At one point I said, “You know I’m a singer, don’t you?”

“M-hmm,” she said, and then I said I had a wedding to do in a few days even though I didn’t. For some reason, I felt compelled to impress her or at least try to.

Then the office morphed into a bus. She stepped off of it to talk to someone. I followed a minute later and said, “I guess this means our appointment is over?”

I got no answer as the bus took off and I realized I had to get back on it when it circled back around because I left my purse on it. Then I began to panic as I also realized it may not return again that day.

Good news/bad news. I skipped my med yesterday and had not a faint trace of anxiety. I felt great. Totally like my old self. I didn’t even take any supplements of any kind. So does that mean some culpability still lies within the medication? Maybe, but I just don’t know for sure. I took it today, so will see how I feel later on. Yesterday I even had tons of sugar and two glasses of wine.

Tom has been forgetful lately as far as his short-term memory goes. The same problem I have. He’s found that CoQ10 supplements help him with that so that will arrive today. I’ve got a 3-pack of burgundy dye on its way to me. The coloring shampoo simply will not cover grays.

No change in the toe stripe. Really hope it isn’t Melanoma! Melanoma isn’t precancerous like what I had on my arm and back. It is cancer. I read that if you’ve had actinic keratosis, you’re at risk for other forms of cancer, including Melanoma, especially if you’re fair-skinned. I’ll find out either way once the nail has more of a chance to grow. The stripe doesn’t appear to go up under the cuticle, so that may be a good sign.

Although I expect it to be gone by the time we’re in Florida and actually househunting, there’s a cute place in North Fort Myers we like. We’ve narrowed it down to which side of the state we want to be on and we agree we like the Gulf side better than the Atlantic side. The water there is warmer. We’re going to try to get as many of the things I consider positives as we possibly can. My priorities from most important to least important is getting into a petless park or at least one that has a petless section. Next up is avoiding motorcycles. After that is getting out of a flight path and having a water view. A water view and escaping the motorcycles is almost out of the question, I would think, but we might stand a chance of getting rid of the mutts.

Chatted with Kim some more last night. I looked up her address on Google Maps to see where she was and wow! The house looks ancient but it’s huge and it’s in a country setting with plenty of breathing room around her. I can imagine just how peaceful it must be there. Of course if we suddenly move there, the neighbors would start engine gunning and leaving dogs outside all the time, but all she says she hears is wildlife…coyotes, turkeys, and other birds. There is a barn on her property as well as a huge detached garage and a nice garden. She’s kind of close to the street but there are woods behind her place.

Her husband Jim does organ pipe repair. Her son Heath is 19 and her daughter Heather is 17. They’re both still living at home.

TUESDAY, MAY 18, 2021
The lady, Anne S, came and took pictures of the house, both inside and out. She lives in the park. I don’t know when the for-sale sign will be in place. We just hope we get some lookers!

He may have fixed the leak in the master bathroom shower. He noticed a rusty line stemming down the shower wall from where the showerhead is and told me that was a sign it was leaking inside the wall which would therefore cause the water to pool on the floor in front of it. I didn’t know that. I thought it was simply rusted because it was old. I’m still going to shower in the bigger one, though, because it’s roomier.

So we thought about it and we might consider getting a third pod and taking my bed after all. That way I’ll have something to sleep on until I can get a better bed, then give the dented thing back to him.

Went to the dentist yesterday to get the crown replaced. It took longer to prep the thing than to cement it. We thought it would be hundreds of dollars but it was only $78. I’m definitely going to miss this dentist. She seems to be way more up-to-date and competent than Dr. H was.

After I’m done treating my nails with Lamisil, we’ll evaluate the toe with the stripe again. He wants to take a toothpick dipped in polish remover and see if he can remove the stripe but I have a feeling he won’t be able to. Really don’t think it’s polish stuck in a ridge no matter how deep it may be. It’s just a problem I’ve never had before and I also don’t think the nail is split because I’ve had split nails every now and then and I can feel when they’re split. Also, I’ve never had split nails in my toenails.

Got tired of being anxious so I decided to skip my meds today and I am almost disappointed to find that so far I’m feeling fine. I know it sounds funny but I wish I was feeling anxious because that would suggest it really was hormonal. Yet I still think the medication is involved somehow. That would totally suck if it was but it still seems like it could be as much of a culprit as changing hormones. My day isn’t over yet, though. Maybe I’ll get anxious later. God knows I’ve had enough sugar and wine today. Yeah, we ran out to Rite Aid. The 5-layer Talenti ice cream we got was awesome.

Kim and I have been sharing messages and memes every day and I found out she works at Yankee Candle a couple of times a week. They’re given a bunch of candles and votives periodically and she offered to send some. That’s when I took the opportunity to get her address, letting her know I would soon have something in the mail for her. I’m about 1/4 of the way done with her multicolor cat and butterfly diamond painting.

MONDAY, MAY 17, 2021
Here we go with the fucking barking again. Really hope the fucking thing isn’t going off when we show the place!

Just like Molly ratted me out, in a sense, to Aly when she gave her my bogus profile to look up the email behind it, she just gave Aly away on the “Karly” thing from around 2012 or so. This was when Kathy and I were anonymously picking on her on MyOpera. I asked if Karly was really Aly and she said yes, she thinks it was. I pretty much figured as much, though.

But Tom doesn’t think it was an elaborate hacking on her part but just common sense. Just like I could tell “Karly” was really her, she could figure me out too, by the way I worded things. I don’t know, though. I always had a feeling she hacked MyOpera, Ask, and God knows what else. Maybe PB? I just wouldn’t be surprised if she somehow managed to get a copy of all my journals from the beginning on up until whenever.

I also learned today why I haven’t found where she’s buried. Because she’s not. She’s been cremated.

Yesterday my emotions were off, something I’m still experiencing way too often. It wasn’t so much that I was anxious but maybe just feeling blah and depressed. Or bored. It’s kind of hard to really describe. Not sure the black cohosh is doing me any good but there’s a chance it may be causing fatigue. I read that it could cause that so I’m going to skip this morning’s dose and see how I feel.

The beginning of the end of Roe versus Wade has begun, or so it seems. But I figured as much once Amy Coney Barrett got in. Even before. While it’s sad, sick and infuriating, it could also be a good thing in the end. It could lower the population even more by making people even more careful. Plus you’re going to have a lot of deaths from homemade abortions which will also help lower it.

I still don’t get it, though. In this country, as well as some others, women are getting more and more frowned upon for having kids while getting more and more praise for building careers. Yet they want to force women to have kids? Guess it really is all about power and control. I’m still wondering the same thing, though. When are women going to finally get fed up enough to fight back? As I learned the hard way, we’re only victims if we allow ourselves to be. I didn’t have to be a victim in Arizona but I was stupid. It’s time for women to smarten up!

SUNDAY, MAY 16, 2021
I don’t know what annoys me more, turkeys holding up traffic or rude people chatting in the middle of the street.

Anyway, we went to Safeway for the first time in quite a while. We had a bunch of pennies sitting in a jar for ages so we exchanged them at their Coinstar for $9 of Amazon credit. Then we grabbed a few things and came back to the house.

Yesterday I finished the rainbow swirl diamond painting and started the colorful cat and butterfly I’m doing for Kim.

Gerry was away for several days and it was wonderful not hearing her mutt. She returned yesterday and let it take a shit fit for a few minutes. So I’m sure I’ll be listening to that on and off while we’re still here but at least it’s not nearly as bad as the dog that’s definitely left unattended in the back of one of the houses we looked at when we first started checking out this park. I feel bad for the people around them! It would be very hard for me not to say anything if I was one of them. They built a little pen that runs along the backside of their house.

No change in my toe ring toe but my baby toe on the same foot looks like it may have a faint stripe appearing in the center of it as well. I still don’t know what to think but we wanted to give it a few days of being uncovered to see if anything fades after a few showers before we made a decision as to what to do about it and when.

SATURDAY, MAY 15, 2021
Fuck. Just fuck. The toe next to my left big toe looks like it may have Melanoma based on the thin dark streak running from the cuticle to the tip. God, I hope not! Hopefully, it’s just the fungus I’ve had for some time and the ridges I also have are simply making it look like Melanoma.

So I ran around to my bathroom to inspect my toe as soon as I hopped out of the shower this morning to inspect it with my glasses and my first thought was definitely Melanoma. But then when I looked at it in the kitchen through the magnifier, I was not sure. There is a possibility that the fungus that’s wedged underneath that particular ridge just happened to darken as weird as that may sound.

Read that the average person waits 2.2 years upon noticing it to get a diagnosis. If it really is Melanoma, the skinny dark line will fatten. But I should have time to get out of here first. Also, if it is, there’s a good chance they’ll have to remove the nail entirely. ☹ From what I understand that’s where it starts. Melanoma is considered an aggressive form of skin cancer even if it’s in your nails, and I read that if you’ve had actinic keratosis as I had, you’re more likely to have other forms of skin cancer.

Wish I could remember the last time I polished those nails! It likely formed within the last four to six weeks if it’s Melanoma. If it is, there’s a part of me that’s tempted to do nothing at all and leave it to fate but I don’t think it’s something that resolves on its own. Unless I’m reading wrong, it will eventually spread and kill you.

My opinion alone isn’t enough. I still want his on Monday which is what he says we should wait for. If it’s serious we could use it as a convenient way out for me although I might not have time to do all the things I want to do in Florida first. But then I wouldn’t have to kill myself later on if he died first. The only problem is that he would be looking at many years alone and we wouldn’t want that either. So I guess we just hope it’s nothing. This isn’t the time to be dealing with this shit when we have enough on our plate right now continuing to prep the house and then get the hell out of here.

FRIDAY, MAY 14, 2021
The ball is officially rolling! We should be out of here in about 60 days or less! Hopefully. So excited but so bummed that I can’t share the good news with my bestie.

I actually had a mix of good and bad yesterday. It’s good that my shoulder is better and I can actually lift that arm without pain (although it’s starting to flare up again). But unfortunately, I was pretty anxious despite the excitement. Really hope it’s just the menopause talking and not the brand change but I decided that tomorrow, which is an old brand day, if there’s any shit I’ll finally take a few days off.

The meeting with Pierce went great. We might be looking at getting more than we thought for the place. He thinks 120K-140K. Also, he has a woman that he has come by when the people are gone to clean out the place, including whatever stuff is left behind. Her payment is that she gets to keep whatever she wants, so it wouldn’t cost us extra. So we may get out of having to deal with listing on Craigslist and people coming by to check things out the furniture we don’t want, and I may get to keep this bed right up to the last minute and just walk off without worrying about leaving unwanted stuff behind like I had originally hoped.

We also may still be able to fly first class which is always more comfortable and peaceful. Coach would be rocking with screaming brats at this time of year and then we would likely have to have someone sitting with us. I don’t want to get my hopes up for any of these things just yet but that’s what it’s looking like. We’re going to start with a listing price of 110K.

So after being surprised and disappointed that my vibe of us getting an offer in April was wrong, some of my other predictions could still be accurate.

He did make some suggestions. Remove the rest of the stickers as long as they didn’t peel the paint, with the exception of the murals. He also said we should declutter it a bit and move the couch to make that room appear even bigger, saying bigger and brighter are a plus. Lastly, wash the outside walls of the house.

I’m a little worried when they do inspections that they may find termites and other things to repair but these things shouldn’t cost more than a few grand to take care of.

Interestingly enough, his wife also has a sleep disorder and autoimmune disorders as I do so she understands what it’s like dealing with people who don’t believe her and think she’s just lazy or making excuses as many people typically do when they’ve never heard of something or don’t get it. I’m so grateful that he understands and is willing to work around my schedule! We even told him about the schedule program Tom wrote to help predict what it’s going to be when. It can usually predict up to six months at a time.

They are also a one-income household because his wife also can’t work but yet can’t get disability any more than I can because she didn’t work long enough to qualify. We have such a fucked up system! Disabled should be disabled no matter what your past work history is but I’m not even gonna go there right now.

Someone will be out Tuesday at 1:00 to take pictures and I guess that will be when it’s officially on the market and that for-sale sign I’ve been looking forward to seeing will be put in place. I can’t wait to get the fuck out of here! A good 80% to 90% of my life here has been pretty shitty. Really, really hope my life is a hell of a lot better in Florida!

So now my eyes are tearing up with happy excitement as well as the sadness of not being able to share these moments with Aly who has now been gone for a week.

Things are otherwise looking up and Walmart even gave us 18 free eggs and a bunch of mozzarella cheese sticks that were probably part of someone else’s order, LOL. Guess something up there really wants me to get my cholesterol up there!

I shared the obit with Molly yesterday from my private account in the name of Kristine. Knowing she’s as gullible as Kim, I said she may want to reach out to Jodi and she did, saying it’s a sign from Aly that she wants us to get along and be friends.

I don’t know if Aly would want us to be friends and of course no one could replace her, especially someone like Molly, but I did it because I believe, after giving it much thought, that Aly would want me to.

Molly says she regrets being so selfish and self-absorbed that she didn’t notice or care what was going on with Aly in the end and is saddened by her death.

There are now 4 condolences on her obit, counting mine and Molly’s. Someone she went to school with and a couple.

Anyway, I don’t think Molly will bother me because the Internet isn’t what it was years ago and she has other people to obsess over, mostly guys and celebrities. To her, I’m just a friend to “talk” to, but as long as it’s not every other minute, I don’t mind and will pretty much handle her like I handled Kim. This is a different kind of mental illness that deals with mostly bipolar and emotional issues but crazy is still crazy.

She was born with weak muscles so her latest problem is that her doctor told her she had something called foot drop. Aly once told me she couldn’t run or ever learn to drive.

I don’t use sites where I have anonymous contact set up, so she’d be easy to block if she got to be a burden in any way, but again, I don’t think she will.

She’s still the same old liar I always knew her to be, though, which isn’t the least bit surprising. “Kristine” asked that she not tell Jodi how she found her but she did anyway.

In touch with the other Kim more often and sharing jokes. I miss her!

Nane hadn’t blocked me on Insta after all so she got my final messages and pics and then she blocked me, LOL. Either that or she temporarily disabled her account.

Aly’s sudden passing taught me that anyone can die at any time even when you least expect it. That means that the termite could die for real prior to us being out of here for just over a year but I’ve decided to take my chances and wait until then to share my final words.

After Pierce left I got a blog view from downtown Sacramento. There’s no way he could have found that account let alone that fast and I don’t see why he would be interested in researching either of us anyway. Then I remembered that I “accidentally” dropped my blog link on Doc O recently and wondered if it was her because it was close to where she works and I know that the tracking isn’t always that accurate. I also know, back when I used to be able to see her activity, that she’s constantly on Facebook playing games, even from work. But why would she only check out one entry If it was her? Better yet, why would she wait this long after I sent the message to read it? It was probably no one I know.

THURSDAY, MAY 13, 2021
Lost the crown on my bottom right back tooth. The shit never ends, does it? Fortunately, it doesn’t hurt, probably because there’s an old filling in it. It’s a good thing too because I can’t get to my dentist until Monday.

Excited that the realtor is coming out today but sad that I can’t share it with Aly. It’s a guy too, because Peggy is retiring. Some guy named Pierce but Tom said he didn’t have an accent when they spoke.

WEDNESDAY, MAY 12, 2021
Copy of Aly’s obit:

Survived by loving parents. Bob and Peggy; aunts, uncles, cousins, nieces, and nephews, neighbors and friends throughout the country. Her time with us was precious and short. The family thanks the doctors, nurses and medical professionals who took care of her. Alison was a kind and giving soul, a care-giver. She loved her friends and family with all her heart. She loved walking Abbie {her dog} around the lake, and writing.

In lieu of flowers, please donate to Town and Country Humane Society or the Nebraska Humane Society.

“Ali?” Hmm…I always spelled it with a y. She said only Kim and I called her Aly and sometimes her dad. Doesn’t say what cemetery she’s in. Noticed no BF or SO was mentioned. The family thanks the docs/nurses?! You mean the ones that didn’t help kill her? Thought Abbie was her parents’ dog, a cocker spaniel. She and Cam supposedly adopted two chihuahuas. Were they as fictitious as Cam??? They left out cooking and reading. She liked that too. Below is what I said but it has to go through moderation first, of course.

I live in NorCal and met Alison online in 2008. We became close friends and looked forward to meeting one day. We might have met already had it not been for the pandemic. Alison was an exceptionally intelligent and open-minded individual. She was very talented and creative and I always went to her for writing advice. It will be so weird not being able to check in on Skype and Twitter and share our day-to-day thoughts and experiences. We would chat about everything from our weather to what we were doing at the moment to what we were eating, shows and movies we watched, and books we read. I am truly devastated over the loss of her. It was heartbreaking to see her suffer from so many different medical problems for so long. I will miss her tremendously!

Earlier…

Tom just pointed out something interesting in Aly’s obituary that I totally missed. It mentions her having nieces and nephews. But how can that be if she was an only child?

I tweeted to Aly the other day if only to let her know I miss her. Still can’t believe she’s gone. She never got to receive my birthday gift even if she probably had a good idea of what it was since she was very smart. It’s amazing, however, that she had just hours to live yet was thinking of me when she made Cindy promise to contact me.

I dreamed Aly and I were messaging each other back and forth and she sent me a cute rodent picture. I don’t take that as a sign that she’s out there somewhere but just a dream. I swear I heard voices in the bathroom, though, and had I been able to decipher anything meaningful and it didn’t sound more like a guy’s voice, I would definitely be wondering. Could have sworn the first thing I heard was my name, then I heard what sounded like a few more words half a minute later that I couldn’t make out. I ran and checked the outside cameras but didn’t see anybody hanging around out there.

Although I don’t know why just like Andy doesn’t know why he wants to be my friend, I let Molly know what was up and shared the obit. I don’t know if Aly would have wanted me to do that or not but it’s done.

My shoulder hurts like hell! Figured I injured it doing pushups and so I made a point of not exercising that arm yet it’s getting worse. Pretty sure it’s a rotator cuff injury, but I’m not ready to sling it yet. If I change my mind, I’ve got the sling Tom used for his tendonitis. It’s worse lying down, and I woke up in pain several times. Ibuprofen only helps so much.

Had mild anxiety during some of the last half of my day yesterday.

Saw a video of an apartment building collapsing due to an airstrike from Israel and OMG! Even so, the Palestinians deserve everything they get. They have been instigating and provoking the Israelis to no end since the beginning of time. You would think they would have learned a million airstrikes ago not to pick on Israel if they don’t want retaliation tenfold. Maybe they actually like being blown up. I hope the Israelis destroy the entire country.

I wonder if the paper delivery car in the park we end up in will also be required to be loud. I know there are a lot of loud vehicles out there but the fact that every single one of them has been loud can’t be a coincidence. I think they just want something more audible in case any old folks are wandering around late at night. So I wouldn’t be surprised if it was that way in Florida too.

On the list of possibilities are Homosassa, Brooksville, Ormond Beach, and Port Saint Lucie. We’re still checking out different places.

I can’t wait to get the fuck out of here. I knew it would be any day now that Lawrence would cut his trees down and that was yesterday. It took them two hours to do it. I’m just grateful I was awake when it happened. So at least I don’t have that much hanging over me along with the sadness of losing Aly and the stress of the upcoming move. Another good thing about it being done is that the woodpecker returned due to the twigs the wind blew onto our place from his trees, which was probably where they were nesting. So it should keep woodfuckers away.

He’ll be calling Peggy the realtor later this morning. It was funny because even though the doll’s been “beheaded,” I thought it looked too much like a person lying on the couch under a blanket so he put her in the back seat of the car. I asked if anyone saw him and he joked about people thinking he was carrying out my body, haha, even though he didn’t see anyone.

TUESDAY, MAY 11, 2021
NOTE: the part above the dividing line was written Monday morning. I was too tired to proofread and post it at that time.

Grief leaves you feeling so rundown in a way that is similar to when you have a cold. At least it does with me. I look horrible with my eyes nearly swollen shut from crying all night long. The heavy sadness also dampens my appetite. Anxiety does the same thing. I would rather feel better and go back to having to worry about my weight. That’s been on the rise. Although very slowly, it’s continuing to rise and I can only hope that it’s due to menopause and will stop soon. I woke up at another record high of 159.2. Got a bad feeling it’s only a matter of days now before I break into the 160s.

My heart is heavy with the loss of Aly and I’m depressed in general. I miss the days when things were new and exciting. I don’t miss my past problems but sometimes I miss the way I used to perceive and feel about things if that makes any sense. That’s part of why there will never be another Aly even if there could be. Even if I met someone who was a carbon copy of her, I’m not the same person I was when we met in 2008 so it just wouldn’t be the same. I’ll never have another really close friend whose loss could affect me in the way hers has.

I keep asking myself why I care. We never met and there were no guarantees that we ever would. Even if we did meet, we probably would have only seen each other a few times and that was it. So what good could we really have done each other?

Well, apparently a lot. Obviously, even strictly digital friendships can be rich with meaning and purpose as I’ve learned. Our words, our pictures, everything we shared. The things we learned from each other.

I still worry I’m going to spend most of the rest of my life bored, suffering, or both. I also worry that they’re going to find all kinds of things wrong with the house. We can never just plan something and do it.

Losing Aly has made me see that you really can’t count on things for the most part. I just never would have guessed she would die like this. I really thought we would have been friends for the rest of my life. But this is a reminder that just because I assume, dream or feel that something is going to happen in the future a certain way or at a certain time doesn’t mean it will.

I am so very grateful that I don’t have to go through this alone and that Tom has been such a love and a great support! Now that’s something I’ve always been able to count on. :)

And then I worry about Tom and I growing old and dying and what suffering we may do along the way and it scares me. I want to die first because I don’t want to die alone. But then I don’t want him dying alone either or being left alone if I go first. So it’s really hard. Aly’s death reminds me not to assume. I always assumed that because he’s a guy and 8 years older he would die first and I would kill myself at the same time or right afterward. But now I see that I can’t count on that happening for sure. It really is possible that I could develop breast cancer in 5 years or some other form of cancer and it kills me. Or maybe in 15 years, I’ll drop dead of a heart attack. I always assumed he would make it to his mid-80s but maybe he’ll die in a car accident in 10 years. Life really is full of unknowns as hard as that is to deal with at times. At the same time, I don’t want to know a lot of things, including who’s going to die first, how, and when.

Ugh, I keep clicking on Skype out of habit. :( This is just all wrong. She should be at school now and not leaving till noon my time. Then when I get up, I should have a message about her day that she left in the evening when she was unwinding and checking email and things like that. Instead, she’s in a fucking funeral home if not already in the ground. I don’t know how that works, though. I don’t even know if she’s going to be buried or cremated. I asked Cindy if she knew when and where the funeral was to be held. I’d like to look it up on Google Maps so I can see where she’s resting and hope to hear back from her.

Carol replied saying she was sorry and would let Kim know. Despite the fact that Kim lacks empathy in general, I think it really will hit her to a degree and that she’ll be sad.

More things make sense now that they’ve had a chance to play out. Plus Tom did some research to understand things better. This tumor had to have been growing for at least two years. In my early 2019 journal, she mentioned stomach issues. All those stomach issues that her doctor told her were due to Crohn’s disease, according to what Tom read, were actually because of the tumor. The chronic cough she had is also a symptom of cancer.

Damn, though! I wish she’d dumped me. At this point that would have been a hell of a lot easier to deal with than her dying.

I’ve heard many people say that when someone they’re close to dies, they take a piece of them with them and it’s so true. Aly was a big part of my life and a big part of me is now gone.

Again I wonder why. If there is a God out there that actively picks and chooses what happens to us such as when we die, then why? Why would you fucking take someone that had another 40 or 50 years left to live? Why would you do that to her parents? Why would you do that to her friends like me? Why, why, why???

If there really is an afterlife, then I hope those who die young are actually the lucky ones because they’re going to a place that’s so much better than this existence that they’re actually lucky to escape it earlier than most.

I think of all the stories I’ve heard about the afterlife. The usual ones… Floating through a tunnel toward a bright light. Becoming a light and a source of energy that doesn’t have a body anymore but doesn’t need or want anything and feels nothing but eternal love and peace.

Is this all just wishful thinking on the part of the living?

Oh, Aly! Are you in another dimension enjoying all the things you loved to do on earth that you were too sick so much of the time to be able to really enjoy? Are you able to look down on those you were close to? Please, Aly! If there’s any way you can send me a sign that you somehow go on somewhere, please do it whether it’s in my dreams or when I’m awake, even if it’s kind of scary.

But can the dead really interact with the living even if they do go on somehow? Probably not. If they could influence the living, we’d all be winning the lottery like crazy and nothing bad would ever happen to us.

Right now I’m trying not to worry but I worry that they’re gonna find all kinds of problems with the house as I said. Maybe we’re living in termite hell or there are other unknown issues that are going to delay the move for God knows how many more months or even years. I just want to get the fuck out of here! We may have good neighbors but I hate it here otherwise. The planes are driving me crazy. The commercials are worse at night again. There are dozens and dozens of them every day, along with small planes, and of course, there are helicopters as well. All on top of too much loud traffic too close for comfort. It’s too cold for me in the winter and I just hate this place in general. I can’t believe this was my childhood dream although that was SoCal and not NorCal. But even so…this house. This house has been where everything has changed and not for the good. I’m going to be leaving a whole different person than what I moved in here as.

---

I never heard back from Cindy and Aly never sent me a sign in my dreams that she lives on somewhere. But life post-Aly must begin, as sad as it is. The Internet is never going to be the same without her!

Instead, I was woken up by traffic, slept shitty in general, and woke up tired. I’m not really surprised with all that’s going on.

I did dream of Alyssa, though. First we were walking somewhere and the next thing I knew she was lying on the sidewalk bent backward at a funny angle. I thought something was wrong at first and I nudged her with my foot. But then I saw through the blonde curls that were strewn across her face that she was smiling. She was just getting a kick out of what someone said that was walking nearby.

Then she had to drive me somewhere and she wasn’t happy about it because she wouldn’t speak to me. She just grunted in reply to the things I said as I tried to make pleasant small talk. But someone asked her to drive me somewhere and she felt obligated to that person. She would just mutter something like, “Oh” or “Yeah” whenever I said something.

After a few minutes of awkward silence, I finally said, I’m sorry, Alyssa (about the messages I sent her), and got the same reply.

Tom reminded me that most people believe death happens in threes. They sure seem to, alright, as I learned in 2012 when I lost both my parents and my brother. Well, Aly is the third death when you count Bob and Virginia. They all passed within 10 months just like my parents and brother passed within 10 months.

MONDAY, MAY 10, 2021
My bestie is dead. She really is. I’m devastated. Just totally and absolutely heartbroken. ☹ I never thought I could come to be so close to someone I never met. We always believed we would meet one day but now we never will. She got me like no one else ever got me other than my husband. She was so intelligent and not the least bit judgmental. She accepted me as I was and never tried to change me in any way or make me someone I wasn’t.

When I received the last chilling message from her telling me she was going to die and how it sucked because she hardly lived and that she hoped her dad or a neighbor could figure out her phone to let me know when it happened, I just assumed she only felt like she was gonna die. Hell, I believed I was going to die when I had that horrifying reaction to my medication. So I thought that’s all it was; just her feeling like or falsely believing she was going to die.

Once it got to 48 hours without hearing from her I knew something had to be up and that she wasn’t just having a rough recovery because she’d never gone more than a day without contacting me.

I just didn’t understand, though. How did you go from stage two cancer to death just like that? And then it hit me that it probably had to do with her stoma. I knew it was infected and began to fear that sepsis killed her.

It also hit me to check her step count on Fitbit. I knew she had her Fitbit with her and was going to check to see if the daily average step count changed after midnight.

I’m on nights right now and didn’t get up until around 8:00 PM. One of the first things I did was run and check my phone. I was delighted to finally see I had a Skype message. I grinned happily and tapped on the icon.

Only it wasn’t from her. It was from a woman named Cindy asking that I call her back. That’s when I knew for sure and my worst fears were realized. I knew Aly hadn’t contacted me because she couldn’t and not because she was simply recovering.

Even though I’m using speech-to-text, it’s probably going to take me forever to do this entry because my glasses keep fogging up from my tears and I have to keep taking them off to wipe them.

I called the number and was sent to voice mail, so I left a message. In the meantime, thinking I had my ringer turned on, I looked up her name and found that just as I suspected, she’s her parents’ neighbor. She’s in her 60s. I contacted her there and then found I had a voice message saying that Aly made her promise she would get in touch with me and also that her parents were able to be with her until the end.

My last message from Aly was just hours before her death. So she wasn’t exaggerating and she really did know that she was going to die. As Tom was explaining to me and as I’ve heard before when they first tell you you’re going to die, it’s very hard to accept and believe, but the doctor would have told her, probably during the 10 minutes between her final 2 messages. I guess the way sepsis works is that it’s a bacteria that blooms rather quickly and once it gets to a certain level in the bloodstream, there’s nothing they can do about it. With her being so frail in the end, her body just couldn’t fight it.

I’m bawling my eyes out like a baby. I haven’t cried this much in ages. It’s just so hard to wrap my head around the fact that it’s over. I’m never going to hear from her again, the friend I had for over a decade. We’re never going to share stories or what’s going on in our lives. We looked so forward to eventually meeting. But now I’m never going to be able to share our future move with her (we plan to contact the realtor Wednesday) and I know I’ll never have another friend even remotely like her.

I’m trying to tell myself that at least she won’t have to go through menopause. At least she won’t have to deal with her vision getting shitty and having to get glasses. At least she won’t have to deal with all kinds of shit that you go through as you age but that’s not much consolation.

Now I’m crying so hard that speech-to-text is having a hard time understanding me.

So where was I? Yeah, this sucks. This fucking sucks. It’s so unfair! Why couldn’t it have been some sick, lying, vindictive, vengeful, narcissistic person like my sister and her twisted brats? Oh, how I’m itching to give them a piece of my mind right now but I can’t while I’m here and risk them having us swatted. But hey, what’s the hurry? These assholes will live forever. There’s plenty of time even if it takes us years to get out of here. Maybe only the good really do die young. My husband’s a great guy so maybe he needs to start doing something bad every now and then to ensure he lives longer.

Aly had just turned 40 and now she’ll never receive the birthday present I sent since her birthday was on April 17th and she went into the hospital around April 1st.

Her parents are no doubt understandably very sad and angry now. I hope they sue this shit out of the doctor that misdiagnosed her and also the doctor who ultimately helped kill her. It’s just so fucking fucked up and twisted that she ends up in the hospital because one doctor fucks up and then another one fucks her up during surgery which ends up leading to her death. I’ve never fully trusted doctors and I swear I would never bother with them myself if I had a choice. But I don’t want to go into a coma or have a heart attack so I have to keep going to them for my thyroid medication. I need to see and don’t want to get glaucoma so I need to keep going to eye doctors. I have soft tooth enamel so I have to keep going to dentists. I have atresia so I have to keep going to ENTs.

Naturally, I have so many questions I wonder about. Did she suffer in the end? Was she scared? Is there an afterlife that she now lives in? Is it better than this life? Each year that goes by, the less I believe in God with all the shit that goes on in this world. Well, unless there is an afterlife and it’s a million times better than even our best of days on earth, God’s a cruel motherfucker to take someone as wonderful as she was. So what if she wasn’t always honest? I wouldn’t have cared at this point if she told me 100 lies a day, if Cam wasn’t real, if she was on the FBI’s most-wanted list; I just wanted her to be OK and contact me. I just wanted to hear that while she may have a rough road ahead, she would get through it. Not end up dead when she still had so much life left to live. She finally found her dream job which so few people do, just to be pulled from it and into her death. Just so fucking unfair!

Had to stop and bawl my eyes out some more. My eyes are gonna be swollen with all this crying but I don’t care. I just want her back!

It’s going to be so weird not checking in on Skype and never finding any tweets waiting for me. I can no longer email her copies of my journal, most of which I didn’t share publicly. I can no longer go to her for writing feedback or whatever. She would always give intelligent advice and it’s just gonna be so hard knowing she’s no longer around. I’m not letting go of her on Twitter. Unless someone shuts the account down, it’s the only connection I have left to her besides a few other sites, apps, and Skype.

I couldn’t find Kim’s sister Carol on Facebook but I found her dojo and sent a DM there so she could inform Kim.

Molly can go fuck herself. She’s just so fucked in the head. She’s obsessive, she’s constantly angry, and the drama queen from hell. I’m not even going to bother notifying her. Aly ghosted her in the end for a reason. She’s so self-absorbed. If there’s ever a day when she cares enough to even remember Aly, let her go look for her on her own just to not be able to find her.

Tom went to bed but then got up saying he couldn’t sleep because he was so sad for me. I could practically fix California’s drought with all my tears. ☹

RIP Alison Kara. ☹ There will never be another friend like you to share good times and rough times with, along with dreams, hopes, goals and ideas. ☹

SUNDAY, MAY 9, 2021
Multiple times a day I check Skype, disappointed to find I have no messages from Aly but hoping to at least see those three dots start dancing, alerting me that a message is on the way. Hasn’t happened yet, though, and this definitely isn’t like her. I guess I’m really not psychic anymore because I had a vague dream about receiving messages from her but there’s nothing. Tom believes I’ll hear from her by Monday. I hope so! I mean, people don’t usually up and die just like that, do they? Can they really go from stage two to death that fast?

I wish to hell Cam could update me but if he doesn’t exist, then he couldn’t exactly do that, could he? Really, I don’t care if Cam isn’t real. I don’t care if she tells me 100 lies a day. I don’t care if she lives with her parents for the rest of their lives. I don’t care if she’s a wanted fugitive on the FBI’s most-wanted list. I don’t care if she’s really some Iranian chick who only used a picture of what I knew to be Aly. I just want to hear from her!

Other than wanting to get out of here and being worried about Aly, I’m remaining calm and I still haven’t skipped my med even though I’ve considered it many times. So this once again suggests it’s not the medication. I would definitely rather it be hormones, sugar, and booze because my hormones won’t be changing forever, and I can lay off the booze and sugar.

Thinking about Nancy inheriting Bob and Virginia’s house, it’s a reminder of just how wimpy my own inheritance was. I know it’s pointless to compare but that house sure is worth a hell of a lot more than 12K!

Also, unless I die first and he lives more than two weeks afterward, Florida will be the first state in which I’ll always have been in a little longer than him, LOL.

He’s now checking out a place called Ormond. There’s an Ormond Beach and an Ormond by the Sea. It’s a bit far north but it’s on the Atlantic coast and I like it better than the Homosassa and Brooksville area. Seems white enough and affordable, though probably not nearly as warm as the Port Saint Lucie area.

We’re going to be contacting the realtor on Wednesday. The question is when to contact the termites with my final message. I know I don’t want to be in this house when I do it but do I wait a year so that anything she may send here doesn’t get forwarded? I thought of not waiting a year so that I could return anything she may send but then it would have a Florida postmark on it. I doubt she would be smart enough or observant enough to catch that but I’m not sure I want to take the chance. Besides, if she can’t forward anything to us then there’s less of a chance of Tom finding out about it. I worried at first about sending something from the same state but again, nothing I’m going to send is going to be even close to illegal anyway.

SATURDAY, MAY 8, 2021
My day started off borderline anxious, but I improved throughout my day yesterday. No sign of impending anxiety for today. Just frustration, concern, and tiredness but I’ll get to that in a minute. Depending on how I do on this brand, I’m going to wonder if maybe it really was a coincidence that I got anxious after changing brands after all. Maybe even the lightheadedness I would experience upon returning to Sandoz was also a coincidence. I just don’t know.

I’m tired because the fucking garbage truck woke me up if it wasn’t the recycling truck. I should have turned the sound machine up louder and put an ear plug in. I just wonder if I’m ever going to get back to the days when traffic didn’t wake me up and I didn’t hear dozens of planes and helicopters every single day. It’s getting to the point where those days are such a long-lost memory that I can barely remember them. It’s windy tonight and the freeway and planes are horrible.

I decided that unless it messes with our health in any way, the next place is it and where we stay no matter what it’s like there. The only way to get off this trend of being stuck in places as I have been for decades is to not plan to move. You can’t be stuck anywhere if you know you’re not going anywhere to begin with.

I just wish I knew when the hell we were getting out of here! It’s like come on, gimme a date. Even if it’s one I don’t like, at least I would know and I would have a specific goal and date to aim for and plan on. I’m tired of all the unknowns in the world.

I was bummed not to find a message from Aly waiting for me when I got up. Technically, she does skip a day every now and then but she doesn’t skip two whole days in a row. If everything really is alright and she just had another setback, then tomorrow is when I expect to hear from her. If I don’t, then I’m going to be going a little beyond worried. If it got to a week, I would look for an obit. If I couldn’t find one, I’d send a letter to her parents.

I would totally hate to lose her! Can’t imagine ever having a friend remotely like her ever again who was that smart, understanding, and non-judgmental. The only positive would be that I would have a little more writing freedom around the web but that freedom totally wouldn’t be worth the loss of her. Yes, I have Andy, but Andy just isn’t Aly like Aly isn’t Andy.

I don’t want to lose her! I don’t care if Cam isn’t real. I don’t care if she lies at times. I just want her to be okay!

Nane finally picked up my message on Instagram. But the thing is that it’s like she blocked me but she didn’t. I’m not sure what’s going on. Maybe it’s just not working properly? I noticed she was no longer on my list of those I’m following, even though I can’t see anything she’s posted because she has a private account, and assumed that meant it was because she blocked me. Yet I was able to re-add her and send her an additional message.

Found her on Skype too, lol, as I was looking up the termites so I could block them.

So I’ve had three red spots on my right shin for at least a year now. The smallest spot has doubled in size recently but there’s still no itching or bleeding so I’m not worried about it. Maybe it’s just dermatitis. Although the pictures I’m looking at right now suggest it’s not. I think the irritation I get under my wedding band could be contact dermatitis and I could have atopic dermatitis on my armpits when I shave.

Finished Three Days to Live and now I’m going to check out Buried in the Backyard.

THURSDAY, MAY 6, 2021
I’m both surprised and worried by the fact that I’m going to be wrong on at least two of my predictions and almost certainly others as well. It’s just not like me to be that wrong. Tom says I’m still psychic but I definitely don’t feel like it right now.

We’re still doing this and that to help get rid of this damn place little by little. He read that all you had to do was spray bleach mixed with water onto the ceiling to get rid of old water stains and while it stunk the place up for a while, it worked!

He got wood-colored markers in different shades to touch up scuff marks on the cabinets.

Aly said I was right. The nurses won’t admit she’s in peri now despite a simple Google search telling her the truth. As I told her, I had to ask about it on my own, and 99% of what I learned about it was through Google searches. If it wasn’t for Google, I would really be lost on a lot of things. I mean, I still don’t know for sure that the anxiety is on the menopause and not the medication but I would be a hell of a lot more in the dark than I am now If it wasn’t for Google. Plus, I get to learn about other illnesses and conditions that other people have so I can understand what they’re going through better.

I don’t understand why so many doctors and nurses are quick to dismiss talk of perimenopause and menopause as if it’s some kind of taboo subject we should be ashamed of instead of a natural process that all women go through. I can kind of see them wanting to dodge, deflect and deny claims of anxiety connected to levothyroxine because there aren’t many alternatives but why be so quick to automatically assume a person is “just anxious” and prescribe psych meds? That just doesn’t work for everyone.

After thinking about it, I don’t think Aly’s in peri. I would think she’d go straight to menopause because when you have your ovaries, you go through the gradual decline of estrogen and progesterone and it’s a process that can take the better part of a decade. This could actually be a good thing for her, though. In scrapping her ovaries altogether, she might only be dealing with symptoms for closer to half a decade or less. I just hope to hell she’s one of the lucky ones who doesn’t get to experience the scary symptoms! It’s one thing to be uncomfortable but it’s another thing to be terrified or wishing you could drop dead.

She said she doesn’t think of herself as being secretive really. More like if she doesn’t share something it’s because I don’t see it as important to share but a new job is nothing to hide unless it’s illegal in some way. Also, she wouldn’t necessarily share some illnesses at first especially if she was still getting used to the diagnosis, and sometimes again if there’s something she doesn’t share it’s simply because it doesn’t occur to her to share. Lastly, she hopes that helps at least some.

Yeah, whatever. I get what she’s saying but how can it not occur to her to share a picture of her and Cam? How is it not important to give what’s supposed to be one of her best friends her address? Unless, of course, he either doesn’t exist or isn’t anything like what she described.

Didn’t like how she asked if my package got delivered and said that her parents forget to bring her mail to her. After all this time they still haven’t mentioned my package to her? It did say it was left by their door, so I hope to hell it wasn’t stolen! I would be SO pissed and I would never send another thing again.

Still watching Three Days to Live. It’s interesting but damn! Any judge that allows a convicted sex offender of any kind to be released should be held just as responsible as the offender when they repeat their crimes, and that’s guaranteed to happen from everything I’ve heard.

Earlier…

Had a few hours of mild anxiety after I finished the rest of my wine in the middle of my day yesterday. I’ll give it one more day. If tonight isn’t good, I’m definitely going to skip a couple of days. If that doesn’t help, I’ll skip a couple more.

Right now I’m back to wondering about the med. I hope to hell I’m wrong but I figure that if I feel I need to skip, I should skip and not worry too much about whether it’s a psychological effect or not because I’m going to eventually become post-menopausal enough to know for sure if it is the med or not. If it’s on the menopause, then I won’t always get anxious and therefore feel compelled to skip.

If it is on the med then I’ll have to hunt for a doctor who will believe me and would be willing to work with me to try to figure out what to do about it. I’m guessing the only thing I can do, though, is what I’ve been doing and that’s to make periodic skips. I swear it’s like something doesn’t want me having a normal thyroid just like it doesn’t want me living somewhere I absolutely love!

Tonight I have no wine and no sugar so I’m hoping for a better night. Started the Lupin brand and I’ll alternate to ease my way into it.

As a promo thing a horse racing site was doing, Tom was given free betting money. He won $60 and decided to just cash out there rather than gamble it away.

Had to order new reading glasses as these are just way too narrow for my head and squeeze my temples uncomfortably. That was dumb of me not to check the frame width first. 117 is too narrow. I need to stay in the 127-135 range. I got the same frame my progressives are only they’re blue instead of pink. Even though they have nose pads, they’re comfortable and fit me well.

I’m glad they have six colors of this frame because I can then alternate between three of them every time I need new glasses (until they stop selling them). Next time I’ll get gold, silver, and gray so that when I get the next set in pink, black, and blue, I won’t get the old ones mixed up with the new ones as I turn them into backups.

Those markers that stain scuffs on cabinets and doors work great. Also, there was termite damage to the back wall of the house and a section of the storeroom wall before we moved in here and that area was never repainted. Originally, he thought he was going to have to buy paint and do the whole backside of the house and part of the storeroom since he didn’t think doing a section would match the original paint, but when he was going through things in a cabinet that was left behind the storeroom, he found a gallon of exterior paint that’s still in great condition and that matches the house.

I think that if we ever get out of here, we’re just going to stay there no matter what it’s like. The only way I can not get stuck somewhere is if I go in with the attitude that it’s forever. So how do you get stuck somewhere you never plan to leave?

The only moving dreams I had were very vague. The first one had to do with me telling Tom that I had a dream about moving and I guess it was something positive even though I don’t remember what.

Then I had a dream that my parents were alive and visiting. They were sitting in our living room, wherever that was. Dad asked if it was noisy, and out of habit since I’d lived in noisy places for so long, I said it was. Then I remembered we moved and said, but not nearly as noisy as the other place.

Anyway, I’m more worried than ever about Aly. She left me a couple of very chilling messages. In the first message, she wrote: I just found out the chemo I’ll be doing isn’t curative, my lungs look better, I’m malnourished because of the cancer, and it won’t take much for me to get sicker. Will be going to the ER soon because my colostomy is infected or something and I may need surgery. Oh, and I’m getting another blood transfusion. This scares me. I’ve heard and read stories about people beating the odds but I don’t see that being me. Fuck this. Fuck it all.

Ten minutes later she wrote: I’m going to die. All they’re doing is giving me comfort care. It could be soon. This sucks. I’ve hardly lived. Well, maybe my dad or our neighbor can figure out my phone when it happens to let you know.

Although this was very scary to read, I’m really hoping she will pull through and that she is just freaking out because of all she’s going through. Anyone would freak out after all the medical shit she has had to go through. Since when is chemo not curative, though? It’s supposed to kill things, not treat them. Also, they wouldn’t have moved her to a rehab center if she was dying. They would have put her in a Hospice. Noticed she never mentioned Cam as someone to contact me if she dies.

I told her to give her father or anyone else she trusts my email address so I can be contacted that way. But Tom and I both agree she’ll make it. I don’t know if she’ll live to get old but even though anything is possible, I honestly can’t see her dying now. God, I hope not! I would be absolutely devastated and would miss her tremendously.

TUESDAY, MAY 4, 2021
“We plan, Fate laughs,” someone wrote.

So true! This is why I wanna shake those that say we have free will. You can tell yourself that if that’s what you want to believe and if it makes you feel better, but for the most part, that’s just not true. I have free will in choosing pink lipstick over red. Big deal.

Until Fate laughs at us yet again, our next plan of action is to contact a realtor next week and see what they say. When she tells us what we don’t want to hear, then we consider hiring someone to redo the kitchen and bathroom floors. If that’s still not enough to help us get a decent offer, then we’ll do a complete top to bottom remodel of this place.

My new glasses fit well although the computer and reading glasses are a bit strong, especially the computer ones. I had to pull my monitor closer to me. The reading ones are a little snug but I’m only using those for drilling which I do in bursts.

It’s now been 7 weeks since I skipped my med. While that in itself is great, it’s still a little unnerving to know how low my TSH is getting. I still hold out the hope that the med was never responsible for the “stabbings” but only the booming heart when I first went on it, and the panic attacks.

I’m also trying not to worry about the new brand and just hope to hell the brand changes were really just a coincidence. I’m going to ease my way into it by alternating between what’s left of the old brand until it runs out.

Right now I’m neither anxious nor calm. I have a feeling that if I had a candy bar, though, that would push me over into the realm of anxiety. It does seem that things like hot flashes and anxiety have triggers that can induce them. Well, I don’t wanna pull the tiger’s tail!

The LMC network has been frustrating me lately because I’m all caught up on everything. They’re not adding new stuff as fast as I thought they did. They have these sections, Recently Added, Shiny & New, and Added This Week, but the thing is that the movies that show up there are rarely anything but “shiny and new.” Instead, they’re movies that have been there before which I’ve already seen.

So I’ve been watching Three Days to Live on Peacock. One of the problems with services like that is that they have stuff I’ve already seen, was never interested in, or that’s foreign.

Not much in the way of dreams. Just some vague dream about him calling Florida for jobs because his landlord ordered him to which I knew was Jesse, and then being skeptical about him having a hard time finding a job in Cali.

Then there was something about being seated in a fancy restaurant.

Another possibility hit me. Maybe Aly really is with a guy (I still say any woman can get one) but she’s describing him differently than he actually is. Maybe that’s what the secrecy is about. Maybe he’s a 300-pound ugly guy mopping floors in a school or something and she doesn’t want me to know this or see a pic of him.

Maybe she feels she’s with a guy she likes but still feels like she’s settling and like she’ll never get what she really wants, so she makes up this other guy that she thinks sounds better. Like a woman who has sex with her boyfriend or husband while she imagines someone else.

There’s a difference between private and secretive and for her to never show me a picture of the guy while I’m supposed to be considered one of her best friends doesn’t make sense unless she’s hiding something. So yeah, I’m a little suspicious as well as a little hurt.

Soon I’m going to make my complex but gourmet meal. I’m going to bake the fish, fry the mushrooms and onions, steam the broccoli, and zap the rice.

MONDAY, MAY 3, 2021
My 56959-word story is done! Casual Killer is kind of a silly and unrealistic story but it was something to do to pass the time since life seems to be one big old waiting game. I feel like I’m in Death’s waiting room at times. Like I’m just waiting to be admitted to the afterlife or total nothingness, depending on what comes after death. Anyway, while I’m in the “waiting room,” I’ll edit the story which I’m guessing will end up around 60K words.

I still can’t believe there are people out there so desperate for a good laugh that they’ll set up websites and send postcards with a picture of your house circled on Google Maps asking to buy it that have no intentions whatsoever of responding to anyone who reaches out to them. Is it really that funny? I guess so to some people. I don’t understand what kind of kick they’re getting out of blowing people off but we haven’t heard from any of the four buyers we contacted and I think it’s pretty safe to say we never will.

So we moved on to Plan B and that’s to go through a realtor. We always figured that’s what we would be forced to end up doing in the end anyway. I still wish I could be smart about it and remind myself that my dream house doesn’t exist, and any time I tried to go after a dream I either didn’t get it or I got a nightmarish version of it, so why bother? We really should just stay put. We have a house and we should make the best of it. We’re established in the area and have good neighbors for the most part. This is our spot on earth and this is where we’ll stay.

But then the stubborn part of me longs to be in a subtropical climate and misses the beach even if she can never live that close to one. Florida would be worse for boom car stereos and motorcycles and it doesn’t have Death with Dignity but it’s a lot cheaper.

Soundproofing material available or not, I am so sick of living in noisy places! I don’t expect much of an improvement since this has become pretty widespread and the norm in most places that don’t get too cold but what’s the point of enjoying the nights so you don’t have to listen to the daytime noise if it’s noisy all night long as well with a roaring freeway, planes, and a little bit of bass-thumping and other traffic mixed in? I hate it here and I don’t know that I can ever make myself like it. Yes, I’d be a little more comfortable if it was remodeled and soundproof but it still wouldn’t be Florida. I still wouldn’t be able to sit outside on the patio and get any peace. It would still be expensive. Plus, we would still have to deal with the regular water shutoffs.

I don’t think we’re going to get out of here this year but we’re definitely going to contact Peggy K as soon as I’m back to getting up at 2-3 in the morning. She’s with Lyon Realty. That’s what Brenda was with, the lady that sold us this place. She not only lives in the park but she’s a realtor who has sold many homes here. Most sell for over 100K but the lower ones range from 60K-80K. The thing is we still need at least 70 to get out of here and I don’t see us getting more than about 50. I don’t see us getting less than 40 but I just don’t know if we could even hit 60. That means that if we’re forced to remodel since it needs an updated kitchen, new windows, the walls painted, and new flooring, we won’t be getting out this year. The thing is that I know that things always take longer than you hope or expect so we might end up staying here until he reaches full retirement as originally planned.

I just wonder…at what point do we throw in the towel and give up?

Since I found that it wasn’t the Lupine brand of statins that was making me anxious after all, I’m going to go ahead and try Lupine’s levothyroxine which they have at Rite Aid. If worst comes to worst I can have Doc A state that I want the Sandoz brand and Amazon’s pharmacy will request that.

Was just about to post this when Tom and I started talking. We don’t need to take out a loan to upgrade this place if that’s what we’re going to end up doing. We can get what we need on credit. I was surprised to find we can redo the kitchen, laundry, and bathroom floors for about $400. Those floors would have to be vinyl flooring because they don’t recommend laminate in areas that get wet. We’re gonna wait for the realtor first and see what she says. We should be contacting her sometime next week. The most important thing is to make sure we have enough money to buy a place when we move and that we don’t get trapped in an apartment, which would be more expensive. We get trapped enough as it is.

Gennev did what I thought they’d do and told me they couldn’t give medical advice but offered me a free appointment to see if it would be anything I would be interested in, but now just isn’t the time. Their $ 85-a-month plan sounds like it may be ideal for me but we’re more focused on the house right now. It’s recommended for weight management, menopause anxiety, rage and depression, plus sleep and fatigue management.

They say to expect: A health coach trained in menopause, a personal care plan with 3-month goals, access to a doctor as needed, a supplement starter kit, 2 appointments with a coach per month, unlimited text, and improved symptoms in 3 months.

It’s tempting but with no guarantees, I don’t wanna spend that much money.

SUNDAY, MAY 2, 2021
Another day of having to cram reality down my throat and remind myself that things could be worse. We really can eventually turn this house into a home. We’ve got a good neighbor next to us that could live as long as we do. And besides, who knows? Maybe one of us would have been eaten by a gator had we gone to Florida. Or maybe we would have lost the place in a hurricane. It sucks but hey, we win some and we lose some in life and I really think I can adapt and be happy with what’s meant to be if I just apply myself better.

Looks like I’m going to have to do just that with medication brands as well and settle for whatever. Knew this day would come too. Why is it that only my bad vibes are the ones that are allowed to come true? I knew we would still be here when Bob and Virginia passed, and we are. I knew we would be faced with all kinds of obstacles trying to get out of here, and we are. In a way, I’m almost surprised that the cork that flew out of the champagne bottle didn’t smash my face in because that would certainly add delays if it took an eye out or something. Again, why struggle for what isn’t meant to be when you can just make the best out of what you’ve got?

I don’t know, though, maybe the anxiety I experienced when taking a couple of other brands really was a coincidence. After all, I had kick-ass anxiety for two months in a row and that was on my usual brand. We asked the pharmacist at Rite Aid when we went to pick up his BP med if they’d ever heard of anyone mentioning any particular brands making them more or less anxious, and they said the only thing they heard is some people prefer the name-brand of Synthroid.

Why would they lie? They don’t have anything to lose in the way they might if they were doctors rather than pharmacists. Tom found that on Amazon’s pharmacy, the name brand may actually be cheaper than generics.

So yesterday I began to feel a bit wired and my heart was racy. I decided that I would skip the medication today but then I remembered the candy bar I splurged on yesterday. I really do believe sugar could be a culprit as much as Tom thinks the anxiety spells I had on the off-brands were a coincidence. Took my med today and so far so good. It’s a little too early in my day, however, to say for sure that I’ll remain calm all day.

Meanwhile, I finally told my story to Gennev, the menopause experts, and while I asked their opinion on things, I told them they could share the story with anyone they want. I’m sure they’ll want to sell me something while they’re at it. They have their own team of doctors and holistic formulas for different stages of menopause, depending on what your symptoms are. I don’t think there are many if any, symptoms I haven’t experienced. It’s just that some last longer than others. Or you learn to live with them and don’t really care. The ones that are noticeable and bothersome are the hot flashes and definitely the anxiety. Everything else has just sort of faded into the background if it hasn’t stopped completely.

I didn’t get any sweet treats at the store but I did get some wine. Going to make sure I don’t have it until the end of my day in case that too has a hand in making me anxious as I read it could. I would rather it interfere with my sleep than make me anxious.

Tom said there were a few cars along with Nancy’s next door and he saw someone bring something inside the house before I got up. I’m glad they didn’t wake me up but I really hope she’s not a company junkie to make up for the lack of other things I may not get from her.

We got new Sonic toothbrushes since ours were getting kind of old, and stuck here or not, the weather has been gorgeous. Warm and dry. This would be the perfect time of year for open windows and an evaporative cooler but even if this place had an evaporative cooler, it’s way too noisy here. I could barely stand to leave the windows open during parts of the daytime, let alone while I was sleeping, whenever that was. We’re having another windy day which means everything is louder. The freeway is roaring and the planes are amplified as well.

Last night I dreamed that outside the room of either an apartment or a hotel I was staying in, was some kind of animal akin to a bull although that’s not what it was. I really don’t know what it was but a part of me was tempted to piss it off just to see how it would react until I thought better of it knowing it could take its horns and plow right through my door if it wanted to.

The last two dreams I had were shitty. In one of them, I was wanted for something. I somehow met up with a group of about twenty others who were also wanted for various things. The plan was for all of us to escape to Mexico. I was all for it at first and then I realized that I didn’t see how 20+ people could sneak into Mexico unseen. Deciding I could get in more trouble if I was caught with a bunch of criminals trying to enter a country illegally than if I turned myself in or got caught by myself, I gathered my things and quietly slipped free of the group. I was a little nervous about it because I worried there were a few people who feared I would turn them in.

The last dream was the worst. Aly and I met at a hotel to vacation together somewhere. I was in the room by myself for a while wondering where she could be. I was growing concerned as it began to get late and was contemplating contacting her mother to see if she’d heard from her. But then Aly came in all pissed off. She began angrily throwing her stuff in her suitcase and I asked what was wrong.

She said she learned from other guests that I secretly hated her. Her eyes looked a little funny as she yelled at me, too. They were small and more triangular in shape instead of the usual ovalish shape people have.

I insisted that it wasn’t true and that I would tell her directly if I had a problem with her. But she refused to believe me and left me alone in the room to figure out how to get to the airport and all that on my own.

SATURDAY, MAY 1, 2021
I read that if a feature doesn’t work on a website, it’s best to try their app. So I checked and found that on Facebook’s app, I was able to reblock Maliheh and Nane, and that’s the way it stays! Can’t imagine them ever unblocking me, though, if they haven’t yet.

The steamer he got really was a great investment. It was impossible to clean the mold that would build up around the bidets’ nozzles but this did a great job cleaning it. Also, I continue to be ever so grateful for the pieces of pumice stone that Andy sent a few years ago to get rid of toilet rings I would otherwise never be able to get rid of.

I can’t believe there are people in this world who get off so much on leading people on and blowing them off that they would set up “prank” sites, which is basically what these so-called home-buyer sites are. Unless they’re just looking for someone who’s desperate and will settle for anything they can get, I think it’s a damn shame that people get such a kick out of blowing people off much like some people do when they stand someone up on a date. Never could understand the amusement behind that one. Never.

But there is some good news given that we may be stuck here at least indefinitely if not forever. My wish came true about one of their kids getting their place next door because Nancy is going to be moving in in a couple of months after the Trust issues are dealt with. I caught her and her brother helping her sort some stuff and when she broke the news to me I told her that if she didn’t have a motorcycle, that would be great! She said it was just her and her two cats and that her parents used to talk about me all the time. She just couldn’t remember if my name was Jodi or Joy. So at least I won’t have to worry about motorcycles and other insanely loud vehicles much too close for comfort other than what I already have to deal with going down the street. I also can’t imagine her turning her garage into a woodshop so that much is good to know. I filled Mrs. Twenties in and she was glad to learn this as well.

The only other good thing in the midst of trying to remain positive which is quite a challenge at times is that the anxiety didn’t return with a vengeance like I thought it would when I had those couple of days where I had mild anxiety. Yesterday and the day before, I didn’t feel anxious. Doing fine so far today as well.

I know my TSH is in the single digits now which is a little scary at the same time I know it’s a good thing. I can tell because I’m warmer and my hair is thicker. My nails are long and strong but I’m going to cut them back soon because I just don’t have the patience to deal with the hassles long nails bring. Makes it too hard to use my phone and do what typing I still do.

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Last updated May 30, 2024