March 2020 in 2020-2024

TUESDAY, MARCH 31, 2020
I’m now thinking the coronavirus death toll is going to be a lot higher than I first guessed it would be. I didn’t think it would get close to 1/4 mil, but if things keep going the way they have, it very well could.

Sometimes I feel like I’ve got something and other times I’m not sure. Tom had a sore throat and lung tightness for a couple of weeks, and I’ve been having that as well. I don’t think we’ve had the virus, though. My throat was a little scratchy when I woke up, but I haven’t had any lung tightness yet today. Yesterday I had tightness in my chest and back.

What’s a little scary (assuming you can believe what you read) is the 42-year-old woman with no pre-existing health conditions that died in just two weeks after the onset of the virus. Well, I’m 54 and I do have some pre-existing conditions. It’s definitely not just an old people’s disease.

Called my doctor’s office yesterday, and as I suspected, they prefer to keep their healthy patients home. Therefore, instead of going to see my doctor on the 2nd at 9 a.m., we’re going to have a video appointment at that time on Zoom. Then, if all goes well, I should only have two more appointments with her as we hope to get the house on the market around this time next year. I’m guessing we’ll leave a few months later which means we’ll have been in Cali for 14 years.

I realized that this is the longest I’ve gone without leaving the state I’m living in. In the other states, I rarely went more than a few years without going to some other state or country. It’s now been four years since we’ve gone anywhere.

Rockefeller screams every time I run the disposal, LOL.

Anyway, even though I’m not a social butterfly and I work at home, even I’m starting to get a touch of cabin fever. I’m definitely used to going out more often than I have been. The only good in this is the lack of traffic and the quiet. In the middle of the daytime, the streets have been nearly as dead as they are in the middle of the night and that doesn’t happen in California. He ran out to Walmart yesterday and it was pretty dead. He only grabbed a few things. He’ll get a week’s worth of stuff for us at 9 this morning when only those over 60 can shop at Walmart. Sam’s is also starting to have set times for older people.

I haven’t been hearing the planes at night, but I hear them faintly in the mornings. Just not for hours at a time, and they’re not coming nearly as close as they usually do. One who didn’t know any better might mistake them for the distant rumble of thunder or fierce winds.

Even the freeway is quiet and that’s not usually quiet unless it’s raining or the middle of summer. Where summer is noisier in most places, it’s our quietest season when it comes to most things…planes, landscaping, the freeway.

Norma is definitely ignoring me. I don’t doubt for a minute that Tammy’s viciously and falsely slammed me to her, and I also get that Norma’s always going to believe her over me. I don’t care what she thinks of me, though. What I need to decide is whether or not I should delete her. If I delete her, there’s less of a chance that things could get back to the termite. On the other hand, she isn’t doing anything wrong other than giving me the silent treatment. I’ll give it the rest of the year to decide. If she blows off my birthday, I’ll blow her off my friend list. No point in remaining connected to “deadbeats.”

Despite Aly keeping in touch, I sometimes feel a bit underappreciated. I’ve been there for her in ways that I’m able to be yet sometimes I feel like she just doesn’t value me. Maybe I’m being paranoid and perhaps a bit selfish but it’s seldom to never that I hear what a good friend I am and how she really appreciates this or that from me, etcetera. It seems that there are some people that no matter what you say or do, it’s just never good enough. You can say or do what you think is the most innocent of things only to later learn they were hurt or offended. I know I shouldn’t worry too much about that, though, because it’s their fault if they don’t speak up right away. Still, some people make me wonder. No, I don’t feel like dumping her. I doubt I’d ever do that, but I can’t say that she wouldn’t.

MONDAY, MARCH 30, 2020
Book sales have come to an abrupt halt and I’m not sure why. For 6 days straight I got 6 borrows and one buy yet there hasn’t been anything since the 25th. What’s up with that?

Had a dream an overseas friend accidentally sent me a message meant for some girl about getting their stories straight so that someone would believe whatever they were going to tell them. Only he sounded perfectly American, LOL.

Noticed I’ve been having more palpitations lately and found an article that said that alcohol can be hard on the heart. I don’t know if there is a connection or not and while I feel calmer than I did last night, my chest is achy today. In the center of my chest is an ache that doesn’t seem to be connected to my lungs or heartburn. Hopefully, I just strained a muscle somehow. Yesterday I felt like my heart was racing at times but when I checked, it wasn’t. It was more like it was just beating hard.

When Tom was looking for an appropriate name for the schedule predictor program he’s working on to iron out a bug, he came across an interesting article on my type of sleep curse which I shared with Aly, figuring she’d find it interesting. I’m not interested in joining but apparently, there’s even a Facebook group with about 500 members. Turns out that this sleep curse, as I call it, is rare in sited people but quite common in blind people. Also, just like mine does, your days are always longer. A typical day for me is about 25 hours and 15 minutes. Tom said he’d always been curious if anyone’s day was shorter, at around 23 hours or something like that, but nope. It always rolls ahead and not behind.

I guess they’re just now beginning to have experimental drugs, but they don’t work well yet. With my fear of medication, I’m not going to bother trying anything and Tom is totally OK with that. “We’ve got our routine down now,” as he says. Even if I was suddenly magically on a schedule, didn’t have a driving phobia, and could get a job until I was 67, that would really interfere with our retirement years, especially with the age difference. He’d spend most of his home alone. If I were under 40, I might be interested. I just hate the idea of taking medication unless it’s absolutely necessary.

SUNDAY, MARCH 29, 2020
My heart is thumping away right now even though I don’t feel anxious. I’m just lying in bed enjoying the wonderfully peaceful wee hours of the night. Yeah, that’s the only good in this horrible virus thing is that it’s keeping things quieter. So is the unseasonably cool wet weather. By now we usually need the AC during the daytime.

I wish I could get myself to care about my weight for the sake of my health. Okay, so I’m not that big. I get that. I’m still smaller than your average American female. But just a 20-pound loss would certainly make me healthier and probably more flexible, too. I know I would look better but that’s the last thing I care about. When it comes to my appearance, I do what’s comfortable and what I like. I don’t consider what others may like. I would care more weight about my appearance if I was young and single but I’m not. I only care about gaining more and as long as I cut back on carbs whenever I jump up a pound or two, that shouldn’t be an issue. Now, why can’t I get myself to care about losing? Bad attitude or not, I’m fat and that’s okay. I like and accept myself just the way I am, and to be honest, there’s only so much weight my body will let itself drop and that ain’t much.

I missed a call from my doctor’s office on Friday, so I’ll call Monday morning. I was going to call them at that time anyway to see if I could just get my refills and skip this visit since I’m not having any problems. I just don’t want to risk getting sick by going to a place where sick people go.

It’s been great climbing out of the writer’s block I’ve been stuck in for so long and getting back into writing. I’m working on a story idea that came to me a while back but I’m not sure if I’ll submit it for publication or not. It’s just a short story that will probably be somewhere between 10K-15K words.

The dream I had involving my ENT hiring me to clean her “luxury apartment” sort of gave me an idea I think I’ll try out, but not for CampNaNo since I already decided on a different story for that about a paramedic that turns out to be a bit psycho. Maybe I’ll have a “The” series. The Landlord, The Doctor, The Paramedic…

SATURDAY, MARCH 28, 2020
After watching Nightwatch Nation, I began watching Nightwatch. This show isn’t just about medical emergencies but police and fire as well. Not surprisingly, most of those involved in violence were black. Some people will never learn and the rest of them will never open their eyes to their shit either. Well, maybe their eyes were once open but political correctness came and shut them pretty fast. Seriously, how do you expect to escape stereotypes and labels when all you do is keep living up to them?

It’s nice that traffic only woke me up once, but dreaming of Andy and Stacey wasn’t exactly fun. The bad Stacey. The one in Arizona that inspired my book.

First I dreamed I was chatting at Andy’s place with him and I think Tammy was in the room. Andy came out and accused me of something I didn’t do. I stood up and told him, “This is one of the many reasons I cut ties with you. I’m tired of you falsely accusing me of shit.” Then I walked out of his place.

In the next dream, we were living in Arizona again. We had a place there and at one end of the place was a small den of sorts. A couple of women were over visiting, and they were watching TV in there. They were around 40 and obese with short curly blonde hair.

It was summer and we had the evaporative cooler running, and therefore we had a window partially open in that room. I was in the adjacent kitchen when I overheard Stacey walk up to the outside of the window. I couldn’t see her, but I recognized her voice. She told the women, “Jodi is wanted on 14…” something or another. I don’t know if it was 14 warrants or 14 counts of one particular thing, but I knew it had to do with the law somehow.

Then I saw a couple of younger guys outside the front of the house and she was trying to badmouth me to them but they spread their hands out as if to say, “Hey, we don’t know anything about it or want to get involved.”

I never went out and confronted her. Instead, I closed the window and switched to the AC.

I thought that while it seemed unlikely that Stacey would be the kind of person to announce this shit to people and try to get them to turn against me if it wasn’t true, I knew deep down that I didn’t do anything I had to worry about.

THURSDAY, MARCH 26, 2020
Traffic didn’t wake me up today, but the horrible stench of a skunk sure did. They’re absolutely horrible here! I swear this is the state of “never befores.” But is the projects/power tools obsession a California thing? Just something this park happens to be obsessed with? Or is it an old people thing no matter where you are? I never heard anything like this anytime I visited my parents and they never mentioned anything about it either. Goldie and Al said they didn’t hear a thing in Al’s sister’s adult community, but I think times have changed. We may never get a place that’s literally quiet, but we can certainly do better than this place by getting on a cul-de-sac or some kind of dead-end rather than on such a busy street, and we can get out of a flight path as well.

There wasn’t any sawing today, but the planes are getting to be a little annoying again.

I’m feeling better today than yesterday. I don’t know if it’s the vitamin and mineral shakes I had or the quick walk we went on, but tomorrow I expect to be tired because I’m sure the trash and recyclable trucks will wake me up. I’ll be crashing at the worst time one can crash on a Friday in this place. Especially being such a light sleeper.

Once we get close to putting the house up for sale, I contemplated messaging Doc O on Facebook and seeing if she would like to get together for lunch because I wouldn’t mind seeing her one more time. Just not as doctor and patient in an office setting. I’d love to tell her about the brand issues I discovered and all that, even though I know I won’t get a response. Pretty sure she’ll get the message, though.

But would this constitute me being the one to reach out to someone who would probably never think of me first? Well, I still have time to think about it.

Noticed I’ve been hearing less from Norma. Oh, I can imagine the earful she’s gotten from the termite. That’s okay, though. I’m not concerned with what either one of them says or thinks. It’s on them. My life goes on either way and I’m way happier without the termites in my life. Tom’s right. I should have ended it decades ago. Even though I’ve seen a vivid display of just how some people are time after time, I was definitely way too forgiving. Well, never again will I take shit from anyone!

Getting close to 25,000 people killed by the virus, but I would still be surprised if as many people died from it as did in the 2004 tsunami.

I asked Aly how she felt about taking the guinea pigs back with her if she visits and she really likes the idea but doesn’t know how her dog will take to them. She said something about seeing how the dog reacts to them and getting back to me, but I’m not sure what she means. She going to borrow someone’s guinea pig to test on the dog? Anyway, I teased her about coming out in a rental car and going back in a rental truck with the stuff we’d have for her. First, though, I have to see her get out here in the first place to believe it. Things have come up to thwart her plans in the past and there’s no telling what may come up in the future.

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 25, 2020
Yes, this is it. This is really it. The beginning of the end. He’s applied for early retirement and our goal is to make 2021 the year we get out of here! We just can’t count on the government to do the right thing and take care of their own. No way to know if unemployment will take care of us, if a stimulus check will take care of us, or what. He’s still going to be looking for work, though. So I’m both nervous and excited like I always am whenever we make a long-distance move. Hopefully, Florida will work out and this will be our last one.

I sure was right when I told him a few months ago that I had a feeling we were on the verge of a major change. Definitely got that one right! I still have a feeling there will be a big change in September of 2022. Maybe that’s when we will have sampled Florida enough to either be confident enough to get a place there or return to dryer ground somewhere in Texas or New Mexico. At least if it ever comes to that we won’t have to go through Arizona.

I’ve also been saying that I couldn’t see us returning to Hawaii, and I’ve had this feeling for a while now. Now I know why!

I decided that even though pretty much anyone can find out anything through a paid search, I’m going to keep our new location secret from most people. I’m not going to mention it in any public journals. I’m definitely not going to let Norma of all people know if we really do end up in Florida. For some reason, I just don’t want those termites knowing it if we do. I honestly don’t see what they could do with the info any more than knowing where we are right now, but I would still feel more comfortable if they were left in the dark. That would mean leaving Norma in the dark for sure. I’ll only make my location visible to my other Facebook friends and of course, I’ll tell Aly about it. Aly only uses Facebook for messaging so I can’t see us ever being connected there, and I would never re-add Kim. I can’t see her reacting the same way she did the last time should we ever have a falling out, but you never know. With people like her, it’s better to play it safe.

I can’t fucking wait to get out of here! Twice traffic woke me up. I can’t wait to live in a place where I can go to bed without wondering if traffic is going to wake me up.

Tom says there was no sawing across the street today. Yeah, well, I’m sure they’ll be at it again soon enough. That’s obviously just what they do.

I don’t know if she’s just playing with me or what, but Aly is once again talking about visiting, saying she hopes the virus doesn’t extend into the summer because she really needs to get away for a few days and says California would be a great place to go to.

I told her why not drive out in a rental car and drive back in a rental truck? That way she could not only take the doll, but she could take what furniture we don’t want as well as the pigs.

Yeah, we’re definitely going to have to re-home them because it would be way too cruel to the pigs and hard on us to move them with us whether we moved by ground or by air. It’s not like we’re going from home to home. We’re going to have to play the motel game again until we find a place. Couldn’t hurt to ask Carolyn or Virginia if they have any grandkids that may want the pigs.

Fuck. The planes are back. Yeah, one more year, you fuckers!

It’s going to be quite a trip down Memory Lane, all right, only this time it’s going to mean a lot more to me because yes, we had money here, but we were here longer and one of us went through something far worse than poverty.

Oh, my fucking stomach! I’ll never touch sugarless candy again. Who needs laxatives when you can just eat sugarless candy and bring on a shitfest that way?

I might replace my bacon and eggs with shakes, but the only problem is that they’re processed. So it’s like going from TV dinners to TV drinks, LOL. It’s better than eggs every day, though.

So right now, our immediate plans are to generate some kind of revenue, save up, watch our spending and hope whatever I’m coming down with isn’t the virus. I feel like I’ve got a cold setting in, but I read that this virus can start off feeling that way. My throat felt a little gritty, but I don’t have a fever, so that’s good. I just have fatigue and that off feeling you get when you get sick. Over 21,000 people have died from the virus so far. Really hope we stay safe! The only good thing is that we wouldn’t have to pay the hospital bill if worse came to absolute worst.

Had a dream my ENT hired me to clean her luxury apartment in some kind of high-rise. I’m sure that in reality, she lives in a house, though.

TUESDAY, MARCH 24, 2020
I was thinking back on how I’ve had a strong feeling of being on the verge of a major change. I’ve had this feeling for several months now. I’m seriously starting to wonder if the virus is connected to that major change. I’ve noticed that my life has been a series of one long-term problem after another. I wonder if this is the next one since I’ve beaten most of the anxiety. However, it might end up being a blessing for us personally rather than a crisis. It’s looking more likely that he will put in for early retirement and we won’t be here another 4 years after all. This is an exciting prospect but I don’t want to get my hopes up too high because it’s hard for me to believe anything up there would give us a break like that and let us out of such a noisy place earlier. The skies have been peaceful due to the virus, but it’s not going to last forever. Sooner or later this thing is going to fizzle out and life is going to return to normal.

But for now, it’s almost like something up there is being good to us for a change and timing things in our favor. He’s thinking about applying for early retirement right away, but he also doesn’t want it to screw up the chance of us getting stimulus checks either. They don’t give these things to retirees.

If we do get out of here in about a year instead of four more years, it will be the first time life wasn’t what we planned it to be in a good way.

I’m hoping that we’ll ship what we want to take with us to a storage place in Florida (which is where I still think we’ll end up) so we can “sample” the place for a handful of months to make sure that climate isn’t going to have any negative effects on either of us and then get a place if it doesn’t. While there would be benefits to getting land out in the country somewhere, it really is more practical for us to stick with adult communities because we’re getting older. They’re not all this noisy. Not every house is on busy streets in a large park and in a flight path. We also wouldn’t hear loud mowers and blowers every single fucking day in that climate. So while it may not literally be “quiet,” it can definitely be quieter than this. After all, every other place I’ve ever lived was quieter than this.

I do sometimes miss having more alone time, but I would rather miss that than have him gone for 12 hours a day most days.

He’s decided he’s going to write some kind of sci-fi story for CampNaNo about rich people on a spaceship to Mars but he isn’t sure if it’s going to be more serious and suspenseful or funny. He’s basically going to have the people act really weird and do all kinds of off-the-wall things, not that he expects to finish it, LOL.

He and I accepted Aly’s cabin invite, although now they call them writing groups. Kim hasn’t joined us yet.

Speaking of Aly, she never denied it was me she was thinking of ghosting. If it wasn’t me, why didn’t she tell me who it was? Also, the other day I told her it was fun chatting with her and that I really valued our friendship. She said it was fun chatting with me as well but never said she valued our friendship in return. So, it makes me wonder at times, but she’s going to do whatever she’s going to do. Meanwhile, she’s not judgmental of me and the way I live my life. She doesn’t try to change me. She doesn’t do anything toxic except lie at times, so I have no problem with sticking around and letting her be a part of my life until and if she decides she would rather not be.

They set aside a special time for older people to go to Walmart, so that’s another reason to be glad he’s older. He’s going to get us some stuff tomorrow.

I’m going to be replacing my avocados. I’ll miss them, but it’s just too hard to find ripe avocados, and when I do, I can’t eat them all before some of them start going bad. It’s either that or wait days for them to ripen and that gets kind of old. So I’ll replace them with other fruits.

I think that a few days before my appointment with Dr. A, I’m going to call and see if I can cancel and just have the doctor call in my refills since I’m healthy and not having any problems. If there’s any place a person could catch this virus, it would be by going to a doctor’s office, urgent care, emergency rooms, or hospitals, and I don’t want to expose myself when I’ve been feeling fine.

No nap today as I slept better and wasn’t fatigued. I think my problem was that I was going too low on carbs. I’m going to add a cup of chicken broth for the extra sodium to my diet and see if that helps. I’ve been slacking off on going low-carb because of the fatigue, but if this helps and the keto shakes he’s going to get, then I’ll get back on track.

We went out walking as the sun was setting but only for 15 minutes as it was both cold and windy. This is unusual for this time of year.

Just removed my polish and my nails look much better. So using a base coat underneath the polish has definitely helped without a doubt. I’ll never polish my fingernails without it again! My toenails have quite a bit of fungus. Really hope they don’t get infected because I know oral medication would be the only way to get rid of it.

Later…

Last night I was lying in bed listening to my audiobook, I picked up my phone and realized I had dozens of scam messages in my spam folder. So one by one, I replied by letting speech-to-text capture a few sentences of the book I was listening to. A few messages bounced and one replied asking what the hell I was talking about, LOL.

It pisses me off that they continue to bullshit us about the stimulus check they’ve been promising that we never get. If we were in another country, we would have gotten a generous amount of money days ago. Why is it so damn hard for this country to take care of its own, and why is it that only oversees tragedies matter and gets prompt responses?

We definitely got the wrong neighbors across from Bob and Virginia. Yeah, they’re already back to the sawing sprees again. I’m not going to listen to this shit every two to three weeks even if I only have another year here. I didn’t sign on for that shit. This is a community, not a fucking workshop! I’m really sorry the guy that lived there died. His blasting TV was preferable to circular saws. Now, circular saws may be better than loud vehicles that could wake me up, but enough is enough! Just like with a million other things I hear around here, never before has this been a problem. Only in this place has it been a regular issue. No other place or community have I ever lived where I would hear power tools many times a year. Or get my water turned off. They turned it off for a few hours today.

I can’t wait to get the fuck out of here someday and ditch the planes, daily landscaping, projects galore, loud vehicles, and water outages! I may end up moving into the same old shit but at least it should be further away from the house.

I can say that the planes have been much better lately. I don’t know if it’s the direction of the wind or on account of the virus, but I have been totally loving these peaceful nights. Even the freeway is kind of dead. I treasure these quiet nights because I know they’re not going to last forever. But this is the way the nighttime should sound everywhere…quiet!

My new silicone rainbow laces I got for my pale pink running sneakers were six bucks well spent! They’re way better than the stretchy elastics we got before. I’m going to get neon yellow ones for my neon yellow and orange-pink sneakers.

SUNDAY, MARCH 22, 2020
“Lydia’s” book is getting a borrow a day so far. No reviews yet but I’m sure they’ll be negative when there are. For some reason, people are much more apt to speak up and leave reviews on what they don’t like as opposed to what they do like.

Actually, I just got a review that’s average. OpenDiary let me sign up for another 30 days with a different email address, so I said what the hell? Someone on the front page was asking for reading recommendations, so I recommended my book. I’m okay with recommending it privately to whoever. I just don’t want it in public where the wrong people may see it. They read it and gave it three stars because it’s different than “normal.” I looked at their profile and found them to be Christian, so that’s probably why they don’t see it as “normal” with the way so many of them and other religious people hate gays and lesbians. “If it’s different, hate it, pick on it, bully it, try to change it.” Like it or not, this is what most religions push for.

I started a story last night that involves a young straight couple dealing with a crazy landlord that came to mind and so I ran with it. This isn’t anything I expect to take seriously or publish. More like a time filler is what it is than anything else.

We went to Rite Aid earlier and got a few things. Tom is going to try going on a low-carb diet and since he can’t stand veggies, he’s going to be getting a vitamin and mineral drink that you mix in water instead of milk. It’s for those on keto diets. I’d like to try that too, and see if it helps with my fatigue. Plus, I shouldn’t be having so much cholesterol.

I woke up tired because I slept shitty since I was stressing about sleeping too late. Later would be better for Doc A but not for my dentist. So I probably won’t sleep well for the next couple of weeks. I did take a nap earlier but it didn’t refresh me. They never do. I don’t know what people get out of them but it still felt good to doze off for a little while, and if anything, it will help shorten my day since I’ve been getting bored shitless. Maybe more so than usual because when he was working we still went out regularly but now we can’t do that.

When I was younger, I believed in God because that’s what I was taught, and like many others, I wanted to believe there was a higher power that actually gave a shit about me. It was too scary to accept and believe the possibility that there was either nothing up there or something that didn’t give a damn when you consider a lot of the shit I went through in the past. But the older I got, the more uncertain I became as to whether or not there really is a God. If there is, this may be the first time in our lives that it just may be our friend. We would be really worried if he was under 62 because we could end up totally screwed and then some on account of the coronavirus. I don’t think it will go this far but some people are saying it could end up like the Great Depression. Interesting because Tom said that what happened in 2008 couldn’t happen again. Ha! He should know by now that the past has a great way of returning to haunt us. I don’t think it will come to that but the number of people applying for unemployment is mind-boggling! So yeah, we could end up really fucked if he was younger. I’m much more worried for those I’m close to that are younger.

I still look forward to getting out of here someday, but I would much rather be in a house full of planes than on the streets full of or devoid of whatever. Last night the planes were quiet but I’ve heard some today, so the peace I got last night was probably due to the direction of the wind and not because of cancellations.

SATURDAY, MARCH 21, 2020
I’ve been bored out of my mind today and have been wondering what the hell it was I did back in the 90s that I’m not doing now because I sure as hell don’t remember being this bored back then.

I guess one thing I was doing was writing more by hand since computers had yet to become what they are today and social media didn’t exist. I was more sociable too, but not something I miss with all the headaches it would bring. I wasn’t kidding when I said I got the social distancing thing down long before the coronavirus hit.

This was also the second day that I’ve experienced that yucky fatigue I sometimes get. My low-carb diet? Yeah, probably. Or maybe it’s because I’ve been slacking off on my ACV shots.

I know it’s pointless since the past is the past and it’s never coming back again which I’m mostly grateful for, but I can’t help but find myself comparing certain aspects of my present life to my past life, comparing what’s better and what’s not. 99% of it is better except for the fact that when I was in my teens and twenties it seemed like the world was full of endless possibilities. Anything was possible, and I had so many more new and exciting things to look forward to that I’d never experienced before. The end wasn’t further than the beginning and I didn’t worry about growing old and possibly suffering in the end and dying alone.

But now what do I have to look forward to other than the same things day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year? Getting new dolls and other collectibles isn’t as exciting as it once was. I have a million of them. Shopping for new clothes isn’t a big deal. I have plenty of clothes. Gadgets, electronics, beauty supplies, kitchen stuff…I pretty much have it all. I could use a new bed but decided to wait until we move, so we’re done with new furniture and home upgrades in this place.

Most of the things that would be new and exciting aren’t anything we could ever afford. I feel like all I have left to look forward to in life is our eventual move. But once we get set up wherever we end up, then what? The same old things? Yeah, probably. Thank God I don’t have 50-60 more years to live!

I took a small plastic table and brought it into the bedroom where I have my little office and set up my coloring books and colored pencils in there where it’s a little quieter. I hadn’t colored in ages, and this way it will be more convenient to do.

I suppose I could pick back up with the painting and sculpting, but I’m just not as artsy as I used to be. I’m not even as creative as I once was as far as stories go, but I decided I would give CampNaNo a try after all. He even signed up, determined to write something. I have been LMAO at that one.

I have been trying to get myself back into my writing and thinking of new things to do, but my mind keeps drawing a blank. I thought about doing the things I’ve been doing for longer periods at a time, but it simply doesn’t take that long to do most of the things I do these days. So once I get toward the middle of my day, I’m bored shitless.

I totally love the griddle that came with our oven because I was easily able to make a pork chop and a couple of slices of bacon at once. My cholesterol must be through the roof by now!

FRIDAY, MARCH 20, 2020
Again with the fatigue which I’m guessing is my low-carb diet. I highly doubt I have the virus, and if either of us had or does have it, we wouldn’t know it. No symptoms. We’ve been checking our temperatures every day. He’s usually 98 and I’m usually 97. I’ve been a degree lower than normal for centuries. Maybe because I’m hypo. One is still hypo whether they’re on treatment or not.

Lost another pound which is a bit surprising. I just had some OJ to help give me energy and so I’m not too low on carbs. The vitamin C in it will do me good and help keep me healthy.

Except for the two days I cut my dose, I’ve taken my meds consistently for 5 weeks now. One more week and it’s hello anxiety again. :-(

I agree with Tom in that this shit with the virus is going to determine whether or not Trump is going to get reelected. It’s just gonna depend on how things play out. For us, it doesn’t matter who’s President so much as who’s in the House and Senate. Democrats are always preferable.

Not surprisingly, California has been placed on lockdown as of today. This is nothing new for me, though. I got the social distancing down a long time ago. It’s easy to do when you’ve never been all that social to begin with, something I make no apologies for. Tom has tons and tons of things he’s looking forward to doing during his time off, and while I would have loved being out of school as a kid, I still find myself bored at times. When you do the same things decade after decade with very little variety mixed in, one can get bored after a while. It isn’t that there’s nothing to do. It’s just that I don’t always feel like doing what’s available to me.

Published my book yesterday and it’s already been borrowed. I was really thrown for a loop when I saw pages read from Renting Ginny when that book is no longer for sale anymore. Then it hit me that even though it’s no longer for sale or borrowing, people do still have it on their devices and can always read it later on as some people choose to. Not everyone reads the books they borrow the instant they borrow them. I know I don’t always.

Now that my book is edited and published, I will have to decide whether or not I want to edit additional older books of mine or write some fresh stuff.

I went out walking earlier. The air was cool, but the sun was warm, and I realized that had I still been in the worst of peri, I would have had the hot flashes and racing heart from hell and quite possibly even a panic attack. It felt nice when there was a breeze or I was in the shade, but in the direct sunlight with no breeze, it was warm.

I’ve been making some personal changes and I’m proud of myself for the progress I’ve made, too. Life has taught me that just because someone doesn’t complain directly to you about something you may say, it doesn’t mean they’re not complaining somewhere else. This used to bother me and I would always be paranoid that anything I might say might upset someone, but then I realized that hey, if they can’t tell me directly, that’s on them. Not me. Meanwhile, I’m just going to use my best judgment and be myself. :-) I think that’s all anyone can do.

Also, I thought to myself that I would reach out to Holly and Doc H on Facebook and say goodbye and that I hoped we could keep in touch now and then but then I said to myself, no way! They would never contact me first. Why does it always have to be me to reach out, especially when most of the time no one gives a shit and never replies? Let someone reach out to me first for once, not that I expect they ever will unless it’s someone I would rather not hear from. Like the termites. Oh, yeah, I heard from Mama Termite in my dreams.

I somehow managed to get into her house which didn’t look like her house and was snooping around. Just as I heard her enter the side door, I dashed out her front door, around the side of her house and off to wherever, certain that she had seen me.

THURSDAY, MARCH 19, 2020
A loud car stereo has been coming in nearly every day, though I haven’t heard it today. I only saw it once. It’s a white car that goes around to the back of the circle. Why is my first thought that it’s connected to the Becker peckers? Like maybe the kid is driving that instead of his precious muscle car and feels this is an alternative way to get attention.

We were talking about the whole situation going on now with the coronavirus and a part of us is hoping circumstances will force him into early retirement so we can get out of here sooner. Maybe we’ll spend a few years out in the country somewhere with him working part-time and then head to Florida if we don’t go straight there. I want to live in a tropical climate still, but I miss having breathing space around me. Country living isn’t much of an option in Florida. Don’t know if we’ll end up in New Mexico, Nevada or somewhere else but I’m definitely ready to go. I’ve been ready. But life isn’t usually what we plan it, so I still think we’ve got a long way to go before we get out of here.

If things keep going the way they have with the virus, we’re probably looking at about 50k people dying from it by the end of the year. We’re still not worried we’re going to get it, though, and are making a point to self-quarantine except for when we absolutely need to go out for something.

We went to Rite Aid yesterday with pictures of young black men on their doors that have ripped them off. We saw a couple of them steal some booze one time, but I think one of them was a girl.

I went out for a walk this morning and while it was cold, it wasn’t as cold as you might think when out in the bright sunlight. There were tons of people out walking and I’m guessing it’s because they too are stuck at home. Plus, we had some rainy days. Still quite a bit of traffic. Maybe just a little less than usual. And of course the fucking planes and helicopters. The commercials are quiet today. It’s just little planes and helicopters buzzing around.

Tom still has to at least try to get a job, so he’s doing some video interviews right now. We just don’t know if many people want to do any hiring with the virus going on.

Started the third book in the Savant of Chelsea series, and I was wrong when I said Alexa was reading at one-and-a-half speed. She’s actually reading at one-and-a-quarter speed.

Other than occasional boredom since there isn’t much we can do right now other than the usual, I’ve been feeling great emotionally. It’s such a wonderful feeling after all the years I suffered anxiety on a regular basis. :-)

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 18, 2020
Saw my new dentist yesterday and she was great! She and her team weren’t quite as friendly as the old team, but they were still very nice and seemed quite competent.

The only thing that annoys me is that my old dental records haven’t been forwarded yet. She said something about calling (more than once) and being told they sent an email, but they never got it. I emailed them but have been blown off. What, are they spiting me for leaving or something?

First, I was checked in by Rachel who is the youngest on the team that I know of. The place is in an old but nice building. From the outside, it looks like it’s a solid building but there’s actually open space in the center like a courtyard. There are wild roosters you can hear in the area as well. This is in Fair Oaks rather than Roseville.

There was no TV playing in the waiting room, which was nice, and we didn’t have to wait long at all. They did have music playing but it wasn’t overwhelming in any way. The waiting room was very small and the place, in general, was small but clean. They could really use some new carpet and paint, though.

Once brought into the exam room by Dana, a middle-aged woman, I had a pretty good view from the dental chair. Because the office is perched on a hill, I could see a lot of nature and some buildings around us.

Due to the virus, California dentists have been asked to hold off for a couple of weeks on non-emergency procedures because of the shortage of masks and other medical gear. They took x-rays and did a visual check of my teeth but no cleaning.

The dentist was younger than I thought. She looked to be around 40. She talks louder than loud. Even louder than me and I usually talk pretty loud. At least she’s easy to understand.

I have two cavities but not where I thought they were. They’re both up top. I have a minor one and then one right on the root system with no enamel covering it. Surprisingly, though, it’s the minor one that’s irritating me.

I might have avoided these cavities had my old dentist, as great as she was, told me that the only crown I had to worry about popping off with regular flossing was the one I already popped off that had to be re-cemented. This dentist said that’s the only one that’s cemented on. I forgot how she said the others were applied but they can’t pop off. They could shatter, though, just like regular teeth. Now I’m back to regular flossing but I’ll stay away from that one area. She says that if I could hit it two or three times a week that would be great, but I would rather not.

Love the rubber toothpicks she recommended way better than the plastic ones because the plastic bristles on the ends would poke my gums. The rubber ones are much gentler, though.

She did the gum probe and checked my pallet, jaw, and that sort of thing. She had to scrape my back upper molar just to see if there was a filling there. That’s another thing I learned… The reason that tooth is always getting covered with shit is that it doesn’t have one below it to grind down on. The teeth grinding together actually helps keep them cleaner. But this one has nothing swiping against it to wipe food off, so I’m going to have to give that tooth extra attention.

On my way out, an older woman named Vicki scheduled me to do both fillings on April 6th, and we’ve already gone over my medical history so she knows about my ear, TMJ, that heart disease runs in my family and I would prefer numbing agents without epinephrine so it doesn’t make my heart race and me jittery. You don’t want to be shaky when someone’s working in your mouth.

She’s going to do the larger filling with a laser instead of a drill, so I’m hoping that will make it easier for me. I hate that fucking drill!

I’ve got a home care routine going where I brush with Enamelon when I get up and use a tongue scraper as well as the sticks. At the end of the day, I’ll brush with Sensodyne and use the regular floss and mouthwash. She gave me a sample for dry mouths which I have due to my age.

Safeway delivered groceries for us yesterday. We didn’t get half the stuff, yet we were charged for it. So after spending an eternity on the phone, Tom managed to get $39 worth of food we never received refunded. Not surprisingly, they were out of a lot of stuff. Tom went to get some stuff they didn’t have from Walmart this morning and said there were tons of empty shelves. He’s never seen anything like it.

This is the second worldwide crisis that I can think of that I’ve experienced. First the recession and now this. I just worry and wonder how long it may go on, but I wonder a lot more than I worry since he’s now 62. If he were younger, then I would be worried, not that anything would be in a hurry to get us out of a flight path. The worst-case scenario is we take early retirement and buy a dump on an acre or two in a cheaper state. Our equity is still the same no matter what.

The other thing that frustrates the fuck out of me is that they’re canceling all kinds of flights all over the place but Sac International is still going strong, of course. We’ve got the usual 6-8 planes tearing overhead every hour. It’s worse in the early mornings.

Tom got a message yesterday saying that the clubhouse, pool and spa are closed.

When are they going to do something about the rise in boom stereos going through here?

Not sure if I mentioned this before but we got a way better internet deal. We’re now paying $55 a month for faster speed. Before we were paying $105 a month.

TUESDAY, MARCH 17, 2020
We’re still managing to escape the coronavirus, only going out when necessary. Well, the KFC we went to yesterday wasn’t necessary but it was nice. Had to go through the drive-thru, though. The restaurant was closed. That was no problem as we intended to take the food home anyway. He tried their new donut chicken sandwich which he thought was weird. I had fish and fries which was okay. The fish was so-so but the fries were excellent.

Couldn’t get into Silent Witness so I began watching Nightwatch Nation.

The dentist’s office, which I’m going to in a few hours, called yesterday to make sure I wasn’t sick. I was wondering if they would be open. They are, but they’re not doing as much, whatever that means.

Installed Grammarly for Office Word yesterday and it’s great. :-)

Had a horrible nightmare about the termites in Florida. I was summoned to court for what I believed was to sign some kind of document. It wasn’t supposed to be any big deal at all but just a simple legal routine. We sat in a courtroom waiting to be given the papers to sign and then to hand over to either a judge or someone working in the court. We sat on one side of the room and when I looked at the rows of people sitting on the other side of the room, I spotted Tammy and Sarah and realized a lot more was going on than I first thought. Something bad. I knew they somehow had to have manufactured some kind of “evidence” that I wouldn’t be able to dispute, deny or defend for broke and unhealthy people to have traveled all the way across the country.

I told Tom I had to get out of there before it was too late, so I got up and left the courtroom fully expecting him to follow me. I was frustrated and worried and then pissed when he remained in the courtroom, supposedly determined to do the right thing and follow the so-called law despite how fucked-up we both knew it could be and what happened to me in the past.

As I moved toward the door, I realized my pants were suddenly way too big. There was no way I could walk without them falling off. I pulled a claw clip out of my hair and clamped it tighter around my waist. I’m not sure how the dream ended, but I’m guessing I left the courthouse on my own to save myself from whatever fictitious bullshit I might go down for.

MONDAY, MARCH 16, 2020
Still cold and rainy. Definitely unexpected and unusual for here.

So L.A. is on lockdown unless that was fake news I read. If not, I’m guessing we’re next up in the Sacramento area since there are so many damn people here.

I just wonder how much longer this is going to go on before they find a vaccine or enough people that are going to get it have gotten it and it begins to fizzle out. I also wonder what it may do to the economy and his job search, but as we were saying the other day, if he has to be laid off, now is an ideal time.

They promised to extend unemployment to those who are delayed new jobs due to this crisis, but we learned the hard way 9 years ago that you can’t always count on the government and trust what it says. I’m still not the least bit worried. Even if the worst-case scenario ended up happening, we won’t be homeless and starving. Just without extra money, but as long as we can pay for what we need, that’s okay.

He got 3 new pairs of pants and 3 shirts. Tan cargo pants, black cargo pants, and black jeans. His polo shirts are blue, teal, and coral.

I was watching Silent Witness but can’t really get into it.

I’m on my 16th book so far this year. I love how I can make Alexa read faster so I can get through books quicker yet still take in what I’m hearing. She’s been reading at 1.5 speed.

SUNDAY, MARCH 15, 2020
Another reason I’m not surprised I only lost a few pounds is due to the fact that if we could just low-carb away our extra weight, there would be many more thin people in the world. There is no magic diet. Just healthier ones and ones that make gaining less likely. But what the hell is my body burning, though? The body’s got to burn something just to move. So if you’re not giving it enough carbs to burn and it’s not burning fat, what is it burning then?

Since Blitz had the last of those flimsy paper liners, I pulled them out of his cage and put one of the puppy liners down. Rockefeller, I’m not changing yet because he has regular bedding. I realize these guys are going to be a lot of work no matter where I put them. haven’t decided yet if I want to stick with this setup or put them back in the kitchen. I kept the pen set up in case I wanted to move them back. I’ve got it sitting in the corner of the living room where it’s out of the way. The kitchen seemed enormous once I got them off the floor, even though it’s still way too tiny for us. Not enough cabinet space, no adjustable shelves, not enough plugs.

Anyway, a lot of work and money goes into these guys and sometimes it gets old. I don’t mind hard work, but this is not one of the ways I would prefer to work hard. The liners alone aren’t always enough. Meaning, it’s not as simple as pulling them out of the cages and dumping them. Stuff slips around the edges and into the base of the cage so I have to clean that out as well just like I had to sweep and mop the kitchen floors when changing the liner there. So if it’s going to come out to be the same amount of work, I may consider throwing them back on the kitchen floor. The hay is what makes the biggest mess but that’s their favorite cuisine. I may bitch about the work and expense, but I’m not about to deny them anything they need or like! We just ordered them some more food and hay, as well as tongue scrapers for me and a combination base/topcoat nail polish.

Although I’ve strayed a little bit, this diet is proving to be awesome! Any other time I’ve lost the few pounds I can lose, they came right back. Not with this one. Don’t want to get my hopes up just yet but it looks like I will be able to remain the same weight after all. Yes! This is just as acceptable to me as losing would have been. Gaining is not, though, and it never will be.

Made my first mushroom spinach casserole yesterday and it came out well. Could have used more mushrooms and less cheese, though. I also forgot to remove the stems of the spinach leaves, LOL.

We went to Sam’s yesterday and it was a fucking zoo. The thing people don’t realize is that that’s what’s going to help spread the virus. Too many people out in public at once like that isn’t a good thing. From what I heard, though, just about everyone is going to get it but most people won’t know they have it. What they’re hoping to do is to stop it from spreading so fast that people overwhelm the hospitals.

Decided not to go out in the crowds again to get the stuff we normally get from Walmart, so we made an online order for Safeway. The only problem is they can’t deliver until Tuesday which means we probably will grab a few things this morning.

I told Tom, who agreed, that if he had to be out of work, now is a great time. But what I’m more worried about than actually getting the virus is what it may do to the economy. He’s not retired yet, so the economy still matters to us.

The weather has been cold and rainy, but the thirsty California ground is definitely grateful for it. I’m not, though. It makes sleeping easier, but I haven’t been able to go out walking.

I realized that Aly may have seen my tweets before I deleted them before I deactivated. I made a couple of tweets about liars that she would have known were made with her in mind. Pretty sure she gets tweets sent to her phone, so even if the person deletes the tweets, she’ll still see them anyway. So there is a chance that she may not have seen that journal entry, hacked my account or is able to track Twitter. It still wouldn’t surprise me if she’s done some tracking and hacking, though.

SATURDAY, MARCH 14, 2020
The kitchen is ours once again! We moved Rockefeller under the rats and Blitz to the original pig cage. Rockefeller was thrilled. Blitz isn’t sure what to make of it yet. We put Blitz in the pig cage on the long part of the counter that divides the kitchen and dining area so he wouldn’t get lonely. Rockefeller likes his solitude, and his and the rats’ homes are a little more out of the way.

Now I’m back to agreeing with my doctor in that my nails don’t have a fungus but nail polish damage instead. I read that not only can the pigment of the nail polish seep into the nails and discolor them, but it can also cause sensitivity as well. They recommend not polishing your nails without a base coat first. So I’m going to get in the habit of that and see what happens.

I was so hungry yesterday that we ended up getting breakfast platters from Jack-in-the-Box. Going low carb usually keeps me less hungry but yesterday was a definite exception. As suspected, I weigh the same as last week, so this is as low as I can go. This diet usually keeps me from being hungry and definitely should keep me from gaining, so I’m fine with staying where I am. 155 is like 135 with the amount of muscle I’ve got. So I’m 10-15 pounds overweight. Big deal, right? ;-) Meanwhile, I have a healthy BMI which is on the high end of what a woman should be.

It got up to 81 degrees on Thursday, 71° yesterday, and today it’s supposed to drop all the way down to 52 degrees and rain.

FRIDAY, MARCH 13, 2020
I’m having one seriously hungry day today. Just can’t get rid of it no matter what I eat. This is the kind of hunger I would get when I would get regular periods.

I’m also starting to wonder if perhaps it isn’t a fungus of some type in my nails, after all. Not just because I can’t believe polish would suddenly affect me negatively but because of the way they look and the fact that they hurt if I put pressure on some of them. Looks like it could be the same stuff that’s in my toes, and in which case, the only way to get rid of it may be oral treatment. I sure hope not, though! Insured soon or not, I don’t want to start having all these problems and I definitely don’t want to have to take medication, even if it would only be temporary and he would be home since my feeling is he won’t be working till around the middle of next month.

Last night I was rolling my head around because my neck felt a little stiff. I noticed that it had a very calming effect on me, not that I was anxious. I felt great yesterday. I wonder, though, if it would help the next time I do get anxious. And sadly, there will be a next time. I would guess it probably won’t help, though. If it really is the medication, as I’ve always suspected, then the only way to get rid of the anxiety is for the medication to get out of my system or at least not be in it as much. Still can’t hurt to try it the next time I feel wound up.

Although I do look slimmer, particularly in the waist, I would be very surprised if my weight was down anymore tomorrow which is weigh-in day. But we’ll soon find out.

Tom brought in some hazardous waste to a recycling center that takes that stuff along with some old fluorescent bulbs. He was told that whenever we have dead batteries, just place them in a bag on top of our recycle bin and they’ll take them. That’s good to know.

Later…

Quick update on Aly while Tom is out getting new pants and I’m relaxing. In response to my telling her I had a dream she dumped me, she said she thought she was being ghosted because I’m “good at finding things out.” I knew damn well that she knew I saw those tweets. I’m just not sure if she’s hacking, tracking, keeping tabs on me closer than I thought she was or what. Now she’s in my PB journal, so just as I’ve always suspected, she’s got an account I’m unaware of. Wouldn’t block it if I suddenly knew of it, though. She’d only create another one. I’m pretty selective about what I share there because I know she’s watching. I just don’t know why. What is it she’s looking for?

Anyway, in light of her comment, I took that as my cue to come clean and tell her that yes, I discovered the account and had to pull back for a while to think of what I wanted to do. She did tell me that she wouldn’t disappear without talking to me first, so maybe it’s Kim she’s thinking of ghosting. She wouldn’t say and I didn’t press the matter. As I told her, I didn’t want to embarrass her or make her feel put on the spot so that’s why I hadn’t said anything until now. I told her that while I hope she and I are always friends, I understand that I can’t make her remain in my life if she wants to walk away, and I’ll respect her wishes. I still have a feeling I’ll eventually be dumped and if I am, so be it. I’ll just be her friend as long as she wants to be friends and doesn’t give me a really good reason to be the one to cut her off.

THURSDAY, MARCH 12, 2020
I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t ghost her. I can’t be a hundred percent sure it was me she was talking about. She was probably referring to me about the opinion thing, but I have no way to know for sure that I’m the one she’s been thinking of ghosting and not Kim. Kim did say they’d been talking less, after all. Besides, unless someone gives me a damn good reason as did Termite Tammy and her brood, I’d rather be the ghosted rather than the ghoster.

Aly messaged me on Skype asking if everything was okay since it had been two days without email from me and no messages there. Then she told me she read the first five chapters of my book and said it was a great start. She pointed out just one spelling error.

If she saw yesterday’s journal entry, then she isn’t saying anything about it and is playing dumb just like I am in regard to her tweets. I am, however, going to tell her I had a dream she dumped me without saying why and see how she reacts. In truth, I didn’t. I guess in a sense I’m a liar too, LOL. I just want to see if she says anything. I could come out and be totally honest and admit to seeing the tweets and knowing she’s still connected to Molly, but I really don’t want to put her on the spot and make her uncomfortable unnecessarily.

When I got a visitor from Lufkin, Texas yesterday morning around the same time Molly tweeted, I wondered if it was her. They had an iPhone which Aly said she has. Lufkin is nearly 200 miles from Austin, but so is Salinas from Citrus Heights, the location Tom once appeared from. It’s not unheard of for visitors to appear to be hundreds of miles from their actual location and sometimes even another state.

But I would think Molly would have tweeted about it for damn sure. She just couldn’t possibly have the kind of restraint Aly has when determined enough. But maybe they did see it. Maybe the “seesall” part of Aly’s handle is there for a reason.

Aly also didn’t mention that I deactivated the Twitter account she blocked me on which I reactivated yet again a few hours ago.

Since our new insurance doesn’t kick in until April 1st, my appointment with Doc A has been bumped up to April 2nd. I messaged her yesterday with my results and explained that he got laid off and we switched to an HMO which doesn’t kick in until the 1st, and so we bought the thyroid test ourselves, etc.

Had a bad carb day yesterday. Yeah, I ended up getting a bit carried away and went over 100, so I’m making a point of getting back on track and keeping it under 50. It’s still way easier to do as opposed to eating 1000 calories or less of whatever.

Part of yesterday’s carb overload was heating chickpeas in a frying pan with avocado oil in which I added some paprika, garlic salt, shredded mozzarella, and the biggest mistake…parsley. It was still fantastic overall.

Tom was nice enough to go to Walmart as well as Rite Aid since I’m on nights right now. :-)

Had a good dream and a bad dream. The bad was Aly dumping me for no reason. I realized I hadn’t heard from her for about a week and figured she dumped me. I was bummed out but wasn’t going to make anyone be a part of my life that didn’t want to be. I’m glad this was just a dream, but sadly, I’m beginning to wonder if we really ever will meet.

In another dream, Tom and I just moved into this house and it seemed pretty large. I’m thinking that if it wasn’t just a dream it was more than likely a glimpse into another dimension as opposed to any kind of a sign for the future, mostly because the place seemed to have at least three bedrooms and 2 stories. The second floor had a long hallway. he was watching TV in a room on one end. I was sleeping in the next room and then there were a couple of rooms we had offices set up in and there might have been another room up there as well. On one side of the hallway was a railing which you could peer over and see the ground floor.

I woke up after our first night there realizing that I slept great. I got up and found that Tom was already up watching TV. Not wanting to disturb him, I got dressed and went out for a walk without bothering to take my medicine then wait for my coffee.

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 11, 2020
After connecting the dots, I’ve made things a lot less complicated for Aly by ghosting her. There have been times off and on lately when I’ve had my suspicions about her ghosting me. Just a feeling that she was gearing up to do that, and what I found earlier confirmed those suspicions. So I’ll do her the favor of letting her go and now she won’t have to “think” about it anymore. I didn’t even bother to send any messages to her explaining what I found or why I’ve chosen to go silent on her. Knowing her, she would only deny it and insist she was referring to Kim or someone else. I may not be the smartest person on earth, but I’m no idiot either.

Molly has a habit of deleting and creating new accounts. I’m sure it doesn’t have anything to do with me, though. Last night I noticed Aly’s “secret” and private account was no longer connected to Molly because Molly deleted her account. I also knew she would never dump her either. As suspected, Molly created a new account and re-followed Aly. Found it through Aly. Yeah, when I got up, I made my daily check on her and was not only surprised to find it public but some rather enlightening information present as well. So now that I know what she’s really been thinking, which she doesn’t have the balls to tell me directly, she doesn’t have to go out of her way to tweak her settings or profile so she isn’t found, as she tweeted, because I certainly won’t be looking for her anymore.

There was a tweet saying, “People who offer their opinion when it is not asked for really need to learn to shut the eff up. My life, my relationship, MY BUSINESS!”

Then there was, “Maybe it’s time to cut someone out of my life. I think about ghosting someone who really doesn’t bring much joy or comfort or even understanding to my life.”

Then, “Amazing how many people forget I recently went through major surgery and don’t give a fuck how I’m doing or even ask.”

She may not be referring to me in that last tweet because I asked her this plenty of times. So, unless 20 times wasn’t acceptable and she expected 100 times, this doesn’t pertain to me.

Nonetheless, it was then that I really realized that sometimes no matter what we say or what we do, enough is never enough for some people. They’re always going to remain the miserable, selfish, spoiled and ungrateful people that they truly are, never appreciating a damn thing you do for them. I have entrusted her with so much personal information about my life and experiences, yet I bring her no joy, comfort or understanding? Really? Wow. I’ve been there for her whenever possible and however I possibly could be. I’ve always made it clear that while I may put in my two cents and maybe offer opinions or advice at times, it doesn’t mean I’m telling her she absolutely has to go by what I say. I’ve made it clear to her that yes, her life is hers. At least I thought I did.

Funny too, because just the night before, it hit me that we would probably never meet after all. Maybe she never really intended to come out here those two times she discussed it with me. Three times actually. First, she was going to come out with her ex, then with Cam, then by herself. I get that she’s had some financial setbacks but still.

I blame myself for part of this because I should have recognized the signs. Not being connected on Facebook is one of them, as Maliheh taught me. There was also an article I read about relationships and things related to that and Facebook was one of the pointers they made. Plus, she was in touch with others on Twitter but not me. So yeah, I should have been smart enough to know that people are who they are, and they rarely change. She’s a natural-born liar who, as I said, can never be pleased or satisfied by anyone. Maybe for a while she can be, then that’s it.

I know I should be hurt, angry and feeling truly insulted, but because I’ve already been down this road with her before, it really comes as no surprise. I should have figured this day was coming and maybe deep down I knew it would and figured I would just enjoy the good times while they lasted. Yeah, I’ll miss her at times, but I have no tolerance for liars and fake people. I don’t want someone pretending to value my friendship while thinking of ghosting me.

And why the hell does she feel so compelled to lie about her friendship with Molly? I just don’t get that one. I’ve already made it clear to her that she has a right to be friends with whoever she wants to be friends with whether I think it’s a good idea or not and I assured her I would support her either way. Their friendship is no surprise either, though. Aly always did have a soft spot for the emotionally and mentally unstable/ill as opposed to those who are a little more grounded.

With her no longer in my life, I will be able to enjoy the writing freedom that will come with it. Especially as I acquire more of an I-don’t-give-a-shit attitude. She’s so damn sensitive that she was the main reason I hadn’t been sharing much in public and I used to hate it when she would compare what I would put in public to what I would send her. Why else would she look in on me when I was emailing her more than I would actually share since I knew it would likely bother her if I shared certain things?

This doesn’t mean I’m going to share sensitive info, of course, or every single detail of my life. It just means I’m not going to give a shit about who sees what I do share. I’m going to disallow comments for a while even though there are a million other ways she could get ahold of me if she sees this and wants to try to deny that it was me she was referring to but come on. She blocked one of my Twitter accounts, and her tweet about people needing to shut the eff up came shortly after I Skyped her my opinion on her getting an apartment. Then there’s the gut feeling I’ve been having as the intuitive person I am, plus other things.

I don’t know what kind of joy or comfort she thinks I haven’t provided her with or what it is she thinks I don’t understand. If she didn’t talk in riddles as she sometimes does and was more direct, I think I would have done a pretty good job of catching on. I know how to read, and I can learn things, too. But fine. Let her get that “joy,” “comfort” and “understanding” from whack jobs like Molly who is emotionally off the charts, back and forth like a yo-yo, and highly irrational. Everything is so serious with her. Such a crisis.

Ironic too, since she admitted that Molly has an inflated sense of self-worth. This is so true, so I don’t know why she would want to be friends with someone like that. If she thinks Molly could ever be a true friend, she’s only kidding herself. But that’s her right to do so, isn’t it? Let her bullshit herself into thinking this amazing “friend” who can barely even write is her true bestie.

Aly is just too full of too many lies and secrets. It’s one thing not to tell someone something but it’s another to lie. I even purposely said things about her absence on Twitter and hoping she’d come back just to see if she would admit she’s still there and connected to Molly, yet she didn’t. Like I said, there’s a difference between omission and lies. She specifically told me she ghosted Molly and made like she was no longer on Twitter. That seems like a lie to me.

I don’t give a shit if they read this either. Like I said, I won’t disclose sensitive info, but I won’t hold back my own true thoughts either.

Don’t know what I’m going to do with my MD account yet. Gotta think about that one for a while.

Oh, and she also said she was going to leave her “secret” account open for a while and that she would make it private when she went to bed, and she did. So I’m guessing she wanted me to see those tweets. Maybe she felt it was easier to let me know what was really on her mind that way. I would still be willing to bet that she either tracks visitors on Twitter somehow or is able to figure out my online activity. Therefore, she knew when I discovered the account and that’s probably why she left it open. I know for a fact that she has spied on me and there’s a chance she may have even hacked my old Ask account and sites I keep my journals on that don’t have two-factor authentication. She always seemed to know too much about my thoughts and actions. I don’t care how smart and intuitive one may be. There are some things she knew that she simply shouldn’t have known. Well, how would she get that info without possibly tracking or hacking?

Again, I don’t give a shit who reads what at this point. She can read it all word for word beginning in 2055. Yeah, that’s when Blogger will start publishing my scheduled posts containing every journal entry I ever wrote in full and unedited. In 2055, I’ll be dead, since I don’t expect to hit 90 and therefore no one will be able to sue me. So anyone is free to read all they want then unless I publish them sooner or there are any glitches along the way.

In all honesty, though, if I published everything I ever wrote right now, I highly doubt anyone could sue me for anything, even with full names left in. It’s just not as easy as some people think to sue someone for slander or libel. It’s mostly some sensitive info, threats, and public figures that they’re concerned with, not saying so-and-so is a purebred asshole.

TUESDAY, MARCH 10, 2020
Last night I ended up pretty anxious. I cut my waiting time in half between my poison and coffee and I feel a little better today. Not anxious but not calm. Going to start cutting doses tomorrow.

Tom went over our insurance options with me and it sounds like a very complicated thing to someone like me. I don’t remember all the options he listed but the one we’re going with is bumping Doc A up till after April 1st since that’s when the plan we chose kicks in. Still no guarantees that we’re going to stick with the same doctors once he starts working. If his employer offers Kaiser or anything different, we’ll have to go with them unless he floats from temp job to temp job. It wouldn’t kill me to start over with new doctors, but I would prefer not to have to until we move. Then, I’m hoping that whoever ends up being my PCP in the next state will be about 20 years younger than me and that she could be my forever doctor unless she moves. Doc A isn’t the greatest doctor I’ve ever had. She’s pretty average. It’s just that I don’t want to go through the whole story of my poison and anxiety history all over again and other health issues until we get out of here because it’s such a pain in the ass.

Since he has time, he’s going to call the doctor’s office and explain all about the insurance changes and see if he can get me refills along with the appointment bumped up. Then he can give them my lab results and new number and find out about referrals and all that stuff. With the PPO we could go to any doctor we wanted but with an HMO you have to get a referral.

I made an eggplant casserole for the first time ever and it came out pretty good. It just needs a little more garlic the next time and I gotta cut the cooking time down on the eggplant because a few pieces burned in the middle.

That was one beautiful eggplant he got, especially for Walmart. Even their raspberries were fresh and delicious.

I’m going to be cooking turkey legs for the first time, probably tomorrow, plus a simple chickpea recipe.

The thing about this diet that makes it so worth it even if I never lose another pound is how much less hungry I am. It even stops the random cravings. That’s what Teresa said in Estrella who first told me about the Atkins diet and how she lost 18 pounds on it and lost her taste for junk food. Well, I don’t have the thyroid/metabolism to lose more than a few pounds, and sweets and chips are great, but not something I feel I have to have.

We went out walking earlier and took a different route to avoid areas where the skunks were more likely to be hanging out.

Reactivated my sleep Twitter account because I still find it easier to keep that separate and just tweet a pic whenever I get up.

My nails are back to looking horrible again. I still don’t understand why they would suddenly start looking so shitty after all the years I’ve been polishing them. And why do only some of them look bad while others look healthy?

MONDAY, MARCH 9, 2020
Blitz was doing his popcorn dance as soon as I got up and entered the kitchen. So cute!

Dumbcock at the lab definitely gave me a bruise on one of my arms. It’s starting to fade but it’s weird because I have a slight lump in the middle of it.

After 8 we went out walking for 33 minutes. His tracker told him his average step was 34”. He took something like 102 steps per minute and walked over 3,000 steps in all and went 1.9 miles. Of course we had to see a skunk along the way and smell one as well but at least it was only one. I definitely feel safer taking him along after dark because then I have an extra set of eyes on the lookout for the bastards.

Believe it or not, I’m starting to feel slightly wound up even though there’s no way I could be in the single digits yet. That’s both a good and not-so-good thing. It’s good in that it points away from the medication but also points to something that could be worse and less likely to ever go away. Since he’s not working, I’m not going to cut back tomorrow. I want to see if it escalates or if it backs off on its own.

SATURDAY, MARCH 7, 2020
We got some rain today and it’s been incredibly quiet. No planes, no freeways, no landscaping, no nothing. The only one I hear is Tom bopping around in the next room sorting some of his junk. No, not that junk. Computer & electronics-related kind of junk. I was annoyed when he was using the 3D printer earlier because not only do I hate the sound it makes but getting any peace around here is such a rarity that I hated to spoil it with that shit, but fortunately, it wasn’t too long before he was done printing.

He’s going to get $1,800 a month of unemployment which is the highest you can get in California.

Although I don’t know why, my vibe right now is that he’ll be back to work in mid-April. I don’t know what shift or what he’ll be doing but I’m sure it’ll be shitty money and he won’t be paid fairly. He usually isn’t.

I’m already getting a little tired of him being home every day. Because I’m so slow at waking up, I really prefer to be alone at that time. I would have loved this when I was in the worst of my anxiety. I’m still about seven points away from flipping the anxiety switch on, though.

Yes, the results are in for both my thyroid and the diet!

I was betting on a 16 for my TSH, but I’m at 14. I also thought I would probably be down one pound. I would have guessed nothing at all if it weren’t for me noticing changes over the last week. My face is a little less round, I can reach my toes easier, I can bend my leg behind me and take hold of my foot easier. That was getting hard when I was at my fattest. So, because of that, I figured maybe one pound. Therefore, I was pretty surprised to find I’ve gone from 157.8 to 155.2 during my first week of going low-carb. And dear hubs is actually up a pound. LOL, poor guy.

I’m going to give this diet another week, but I honestly doubt I’ll lose any more because my body seems to have a threshold and doesn’t like to go under 155. Maybe I can squeeze off just one more pound, but I doubt it, and that’s okay. Losing weight as well as staying right where I am both have pros and cons, so I’m fine with whichever one ends up happening. It’s when I get water-logged when I’m PMSing that’s tough. I was waking up at 159 then and so sure I was going to bust into the 160s.

Right now I’m doing this diet more out of sheer curiosity. I want to see if I’m really on to something with counting carbs instead of calories. I’m still older, though, and I’m always going to have an elevated TSH as long as this medication makes me anxious. So, really not expecting to lose much more.

I went a little too low on carbs yesterday which caused the same fatigue I had the day before, so once again I had some OJ and once again that perked me up. Today I splurged a little and veered a bit off course, but they say it’s okay to do that once a week. We went to Rite Aid and I got a couple of mini bottles of Merlot as well as some chips and one of those truffles in the form of an egg with soft filling.

What’s amazing is how low my cravings and hunger levels have been on this diet. Counting calories was always torture for me. I would put up with it when I was younger if I’d gain a little extra weight because back then I had a working thyroid and metabolism and would get results for my slavery. But not when I got older and my weight started getting a bit high in my late 40s.

FRIDAY, MARCH 6, 2020
We went to the lab in the new medical building by Sam’s. They have free chargers there, so we gave Candy some juice. Didn’t have to wait long or deal with screaming kids. A few brats went screaming into the building as we were leaving but that was it. The waiting room was smaller, and they only had one sign-in station instead of two. It was so cool because we held the paper we printed out two feet in front of it, it took a picture of it, and that was all I had to do.

The dumb but nice guy that drew my blood fucked up on one arm and had to go to the other, but hey, it’s not his fault I have tiny veins. He finally managed to get the two vials of blood needed for the TSH and T4. It just took forever. I would be a lot less impatient if it wasn’t for the tourniquet. That’s what’s most uncomfortable.

So now Doc A will wonder where the hell my results are and then they’ll try to call me on a phone number that doesn’t exist anymore. I updated the number on the portal, but I don’t know if that reflects in their entire system or not.

So today makes three weeks of full doses which means the “stabbing” will begin in about two more weeks when I’ll likely push down into the single digits. Really hope I’m under 20 which is what I was the last time! I’m guessing I’m going to be about 16. Anyway, I’m sticking to full doses until the anxiety bites.

Tomorrow is my first weigh-in since starting my low-carb diet on February 28th. Even though I feel like I’ve lost weight, I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if it turns out I haven’t. I told Tom that if I’m down, I’ll give it another week just in case it’s only water that I lost since I finally finished my period yesterday. Really hope the next one is over a year away! Anyway, if my weight isn’t down, we’ll run out to KFC and indulge in a treat, LOL. He wants to try the new donut chicken sandwich. I would just grab a few wings and fries.

I haven’t been perfect on this diet, but I’ve been doing pretty damn well if I do say so myself. Yesterday I had more carbs because of fatigue. They say you can have extra once a week, especially if you start feeling tired.

Loving the break I’ve been getting the last couple of nights from the commercial planes! No one should have to have a sound machine on at night, not that I wouldn’t still hear the fuckers unless I was close to it. But the winds aren’t going to remain southerly forever. This seems to be the magic direction that shuts them up. I’m sure they’re taking off in another direction and torturing the poor souls living under them.

I actually am starting to feel a little tired so after I push through the rest of this entry, I think I’ll lie down for a bit. I don’t want to start unwinding for a few hours yet. I have a new routine for that. If it’s quiet, I start listening to my book and then I read with Word Runner till I’m ready to sleep.

Tom has been more active on Facebook lately. It isn’t that he’s itching to socialize all of a sudden so much as that he has more free time to tweak his account. That way, if he ever needs it in connection with a future job, it will be ready.

When we got back from the lab, I fixed myself something to eat and then headed out for my half-hour walk. However, I saw Dixie hanging out on her patio and ended up visiting her and Diane for a half hour or so.

Dixie is struggling with the usual issues of memory loss and not knowing what to do with Diane. She’s still on a waiting list for other programs and the poor woman is incredibly hunchbacked, too. I can’t imagine being able to lie on my back in that case, and I would think I would have a stiff neck all the time as well.

After a half-hour, I wanted to get back home so Tom didn’t think I got hit by a car or anything like that. After I told him about my little detour to visit Dix and Di, I decided to circle around the lake since it was getting cold and I’d already gotten a bit of a workout running up to the mailbox for Dixie.

I had a strange dream about swapping postal letters with my high school music teacher. Then we met in person. We were at this outdoor fast food place laughing over something we were discussing when I noticed my dad standing in line to order something.

I called out to him and when I went over to him, he seemed like a zombie. His eyes were dead and just stared right through me. Creeped out, I ran to my parents’ house where my mother was.

Molly unprotected her tweets as fast as she protected them, and I’m pretty sure it had nothing to do with me. She does this every now and then. Aly’s account was created in January. She tweeted once today.

Why she’s still determined to hide and lie about her friendship with Molly is beyond me but that’s her prerogative.

THURSDAY, MARCH 5, 2020
Tom has his resume completed and is being picky about what jobs he chooses to apply for since they’re plentiful at the moment. He has a phone interview with Unemployment but not until March 19th. Damn! What do people do that don’t have a savings? It’s probably pushed out that late because some of his pay includes vacation time. Hopefully, by then he’ll be employed somewhere. Surprisingly, there aren’t that many 3rd shift jobs. At least he doesn’t have to settle and take the first available job.

He found a way to “sex” dentists. I was getting frustrated because while I was able to pull up the names of dental offices in the area, that didn’t always tell me who the dentist was. But when he found where to look up dentists by name, he was able to find an American woman for me. The only accent in this country I don’t care for is the Southern accent. She’s not only from this country but she’s from the state. Her staff seems white as well except for one of them that could be Indian or Muslim, but I don’t care about that. I care about understanding what the hell the doctor says to me. That’s what’s most important.

The whole process took just over 2 hours from the time I first called and spoke to someone named Rachel about whether or not they were accepting new patients and had a numbing agent without epinephrine to doing the digital paperwork. I figured they would if they had laser technology and since I doubt I’m the only one with tachycardia. It’s called carbocaine.

Then I asked about what insurance they offered since we’re uninsured right now and she gave me some names they’re in-network with. Unfortunately, I’m pretty sure I do have a cavity in one of my upper molars, and secondly, it’s probably going to cost quite a bit. Most dental plans just don’t cover shit and what we got is actually a discount card and not real insurance. Our old plan through United Concordia was a joke because we had to pay $300 a year for my so-called “free” cleanings. I just hope whatever my newest problem is doesn’t get much worse by the time I see them since when you have soft enamel, you can really spring a cavity fast and it can expand quickly.

I was able to fill out new patient information and a release of information form online so they can get my info from my old dentist.

So dentist day is still March 17th, the day after Doc A, just with this new dentist instead of Holly and Doc H. She’s half the distance away, though, which is nice, at just under 5 miles away.

I loved how Doc H didn’t have a TV going in her waiting room and there was very little waiting time. I hope it’s that way here as well, and no annoying/loud music!

I read some of her reviews and one of the things I liked was that someone lost a crown and they got her in right away.

All her reviews are great, and the place is described as small but homey. It’s actually in Fair Oaks.

Two more days till we weigh in. There would be pros and cons to being down and not being down. If I’m not down I can indulge in a little more variety. Low-carb basically means little more than fruits, veggies, and meat with some dairy mixed in. No pizza, no alfredo, no nothing. However, I did have a PB&J sandwich earlier because this is the second day in a row I’m fatigued even though I didn’t sleep poorly. I read that this kind of diet might cause lightheadedness or fatigue and that once a week you should add a few more carbs, so I did.

I feel like I’m down, but it could very well be water I’ve lost. My waist is now down about a quarter of an inch when Tom measured it. I would still be surprised if I was down on the scale. But again, both outcomes have their good and bad. If I am down, I’ll do it another week and see what happens. You do get used to it rather quickly and I’m not as hungry as I thought I’d be. The only problem with this diet is that it’s not the least bit good for those with high cholesterol and with a family history of heart disease as I have. But then it would only be temporary. I would just do it to lose a little weight and then I wouldn’t have to slam on so much cholesterol. My waist is just under 37. I don’t ever expect to be in the twenties again which is fine, but it would be nice to get under 35. In doing this diet I’ve definitely learned to make one seriously damn good cheese omelet!

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 4, 2020
Well, that didn’t last long. The damn bastard is back to its usual sawing. When Tom picks up the mail tomorrow, he’s going to see what he can find out. This is just ridiculous. Even Mrs. Twenties is starting to get sick of all you hear around here. She sent a message around the time I got up apologizing for the noise, saying they had to repair something in one of their cabinets. I told her I didn’t hear a thing and that it was the guy at Dahl’s place getting on my nerves again. Besides, she and Jon are excused because we just love them. :) They love us too, she says. But this saw-loving guy’s got to go. I’m not going to listen to it every other day for 4 years!

I was teasing Tom (playfully) about not being able to build muscle as easily as I get mine naturally even when I get lazy and neglect to work my arms as I have been lately. I use the Pilates ring a little, though. I still admire his consistency. He’s really been sticking with it. He may not end up with this kind of muscle but he’s still able to lift some things easier than I am having longer arms than I do.

I think I might have sprung a cavity in one of my upper molars behind the bridge. Guess that’s my fault for not using the Waterpik. The button would get stuck at times, so I switched to using dental sticks. But they don’t work nearly as well. I know regular flossing would be best but I’ve been paranoid about using that ever since I popped a crown. We’re not insured yet, so I’ll keep up with the Waterpik and see if that helps. We need to save every single penny we have for emergencies. Plus, there are no guarantees his unemployment request won’t be rejected, and that’s going to take time to kick in anyway. It could take up to a month.

Did some research and found a promising dentist who’s from Cali. They now have this really cool laser thing to replace that horrible dental drill, but unfortunately, it’s a lot more expensive. If she has that, then hopefully she’ll have a numbing agent without epinephrine.

The coronavirus is getting closer to home. First case was reported in neighboring Placer County. That’s the Auburn area. I’m still not worried about it because of the odds which is much like the lottery. People are funny. When they play the lottery, they’re so sure they’re not going to win. Yet even though the odds are the same or lower, they’re afraid they’re going to get infected. Go figure.

When, oh, when is this period ever going to end? Still having a cross between spotting and a light flow. This is bullshit. Just utter bullshit.

Didn’t sleep as well last night which is why I’m a little tired today and why I remember a few dreams I had. I even napped for about 20 minutes.

I guess I had a job and one dream. I’d been up since 6 a.m. and after work, I spontaneously joined someone to go to some kind of group meeting or something like that. I have no idea what it was for, but we took a train there at around 7. I realized I was getting tired and asked what time we would be home. Someone’s answer was shortly before midnight. They said it would be best not to let my eyes close otherwise I wouldn’t be able to open them again. I was worried about staying awake and the fact that I would only get a few hours of sleep before work the following day.

Then they began to serve dinner which consisted of roasted chicken, rice and a fried egg.

The other dream was in the Phoenix house. Instead of being a closet off the utility area, it was a bathroom. A couple of women with some kind of disabilities were living with us. They were staying in the back room. I was asleep in the master bedroom and woke up to pee. I assumed Tom was working. The sun was already up. I thought the bathroom by the bedrooms was in use, so I went around to the other bathroom to find that it was in use, too. On my way, I noticed the front door had blown open in the wind and I closed it before finding the bathroom by the bedrooms now unoccupied.

Oh, how interesting. Someone going by the name of Nunya is now friends with Molly. Of course, the account is private, and they only have 1 follower which I’m sure is Molly. I wonder if the “seesall” part of the handle is her way of admitting that she knows more about what I do than she should. I hope she wasn’t the one who saw an entry I accidentally made public on MD that should have been private. Fortunately, I caught it pretty quickly.

Anyway, if it really is her, she only has 19 tweets. The way Molly tweeted “I’m here for you girl I should do that to Roman too” makes me think it definitely is her because of not only the handle and the fact that she only has one follower and so few tweets, but also because Molly doesn’t have anyone else she tweets with regularly.

Sometimes I get the feeling that she’s about to dump me and I don’t know if it’s because she already has once or because it’s only natural to wonder about it at times since people get dumped all the time. I wonder just what it is she should do to Roman as well. Ghost him?

While Aly certainly has been a great friend in many ways and for many reasons, I realize she isn’t the truest of friends. Too many secrets and lies.

TUESDAY, MARCH 3, 2020
While I don’t regret the time we were friends or whatever we were, I don’t miss Nane. Nor would I talk to her if she ever contacted me. The older I get the bigger my don’t-look-back attitude grows, I guess you could say, yet I certainly don’t wish her any bad luck.

The constant sawing at Dahl’s place is really getting old. Again, this is NOT the place for that shit, and it’s been going on for months. I don’t care if the guy’s wife died. He’s too fucking noisy. Or whoever’s working for him. It seems I’ve seen this navy SUV from the get-go, so I’m guessing it’s a family member. Especially if they’re going to work until 8-a-fucking-clock. Poor Geri, though. She’s got it worse.

Today I don’t see that SUV and all has been quiet there. Just tons of landscaping sounds because this is the worst day for that here. I’m hoping that since I don’t see the workbench in the carport anymore and because they worked late last night, they’re done with this project. Could be just a week before the next one starts but I’m hoping this one is done. I saw sheets of plywood that makes me think the person was replacing part of the floor.

While I’m still open to many different options, it’s going to be a tough decision as far as what state and what climate to go to. The only thing I’m sure of is that I don’t want to go where they have real winters. My first thought, especially yesterday when I was listening to all the racket here, is to go rural, which would mean going colder because we couldn’t afford a big enough piece of land in Florida. Humans are just too noisy a species. Where there are people, there is noise. But then I know that if we got a house on a few acres, we’d only happen to get welfare bums on one side, someone with 4 huge dogs left outdoors all the time on the other, motorcycles in front, and loud car stereos behind us. Knowing that I’m noise-cursed, we may as well pick a better climate.

Another negative to going rural is that since we’d buy the place outright, all we could likely afford would be an old dump and I don’t want to not have the money to fix it up and make it what we want it to be. Therefore, we may as well get a newer place in a Florida park. There are quieter parks than this. There are even quieter parts of this park. It’s just that we ended up on a busy street on a corner. There are parts of this park that get less traffic and landscaping even if they would still be in the same flight path we’re in. So if I’m gonna have to hear shit no matter where we go, I can at least hear less of it in a nicer place with warmer weather as long as we avoid flight paths and busy streets. I’m just tired of worrying about being woken up when I’m asleep and listening to so much shit when I’m not. No more cities either!

While colder temperatures are better for sleeping and working out, and while I’m a little more sensitive to heat than I used to be whether it’s because I’m older, well-cushioned, or due to my medication, I can still adapt to heat easier than cold. I hate being cold, and when my meds force me to cut back and make me more hypo and therefore colder, it might be easier being where it’s warmer.

If we ever do get a quieter place, it’s going to seem weird at first just like the thought of not having to wear a jacket in November did when I first moved to Arizona and swimming on my birthday. After living in a place where the frequency of noise is so high, it’s going to seem strange. I’m going to be expecting to hear certain sounds that I’m used to hearing, as much as I hate them, and it might seem weird that I don’t hear them or at least not as often. Until it gets noisier with time, of course.

I’ll be going to the lab Friday and that will make three weeks of full doses which means that any time after March 20th, I’m going to get stabbed since I can’t seem to beat 5 weeks.

We went to my old dentist earlier and were held up by the usual slow drivers along the way at times. There are so many people here who love to go 5 miles below the speed limit. Then we had to listen to car stereos at almost every light we stopped at, so I played the radio most of the time.

Unfortunately, I didn’t get to say goodbye to Dr. H. She’s already gone. Holly is going to stay there, but I decided I would just get a female dentist closer to home. They said all I have to do is sign a release of information form with whoever the new dentist is going to be.

It’s a gorgeous 75° out there now. We’re going to go out for a walk this evening.

I finished watching The Killing, so now I’m watching new episodes of Obsession.

We have about 10K right now, maybe a little less. We should be okay for a while, but again, I can’t imagine coming even remotely close to losing this place.

Some guy I didn’t even know was cyberstalking the Parkland victim’s families got 66 months. They couldn’t have just said 5.5 years? Bastard will probably be out in half that time.

Still waiting for my period to stop. I started spotting on February 27th and I’m still having a light flow.

Decided to deactivate the Twitter account I was using to tweet my wake-up pics. If all Aly is going to do is ignore my tweets to her and prefer to tweet more to Molly than to me, why bother? I asked her about Molly’s provider and device, claiming I got a blog visitor from Austin and then commended her for seeing Molly for her true colors and ghosting her since she was a step up for Molly but a dozen steps back for her just to see what she said. She said that all she knew was that she had an iPhone.

Then, before I mention deactivating on Twitter, I found that she’d deactivated the account she was connected to Molly on. That can’t be a coincidence. It just can’t be. She’s got to know I know about that account and the only way that would be possible would be if she either had a tracker or was hacking me. But why didn’t she block my other Twitter accounts as well which still exist? she had her tweets protected, so whether or not I had an account and whether or not I was blocked or not, I couldn’t see her tweets anyway.

In reality, I don’t care if she wants to be connected to Molly anywhere. I just don’t want her blocking me. Maybe she did that figuring it would stop that account from being suggested to me. I don’t know, but I’ll tweet my wake-up pics from my health account. So, I’ll just have my health account and my private account.

Didn’t realize how funny my FB profile looks on the phone since I rarely see it there, LOL. I usually only see it on my desktop when I go to pick up messages. Tom was laughing his ass off when I showed it to him.

MONDAY, MARCH 2, 2020
Kindle has this thing called Word Runner which is cool. It allows you to read more, faster.

One way I know I’m not losing any weight on this diet is that I’m not hungry enough. I’ll find out for sure this weekend. Definitely feeling good, although we both agree I was getting carried away with the eggs. Even just two eggs put me over the recommended cholesterol limit for the day. I love eggs and I could have them every single day but it’s better if I only have them two or three times a week. Even that may be a bit much. I know my dad was recommended just one egg a week.

So Dixie wasn’t ghosting me after all. Just busy. I sort of feel bad for this now, but I made a “prank” call to her yesterday evening. I blocked my number first, wanting to see if she would answer and she did. I figured that if something was wrong with her email account, she would have used another one or called. I said to myself, okay, that’s fine. At least I now know there’s nothing wrong with her. Not going to fight for her and not going to take her back into my life later on if she changes her mind.

But then I woke up to a reply to the message I sent her 3 days ago. She wished Tom luck with getting a new job and said that they’re in transition as well, trying to find help with Diane since other programs are full. I won’t miss that loud obnoxious bus that used to pick her up, that’s for sure! I hear enough shit around here as it is. The blue SUV is at Dahl’s place so I’m sure they’re going to be sawing today, though they took yesterday off. There was a little bit of hammering from a termite company at Trisha’s place.

Got my haircut by the same girl that did it the last time. I told her she looked familiar and asked if she was the one that cut my hair the last time and she said she thought so. She remembered my “gorgeous blue eyes,” which are really green of course, LOL. Anyway, my hair is just long enough to put in a ponytail. It’s one of those lengths that’s not considered long but isn’t literally short either.

I’m none the wiser where my period is concerned. Just what the hell is going on? I didn’t end up getting a full flow and I’m starting to doubt I will, but what am I going to do…keep spotting forever? I’m hoping it will start tapering off today. I went 11 months before my second to last period, then made it almost 15 months before this period, so maybe I’ll make it 20 months before the next one.

SUNDAY, MARCH 1, 2020
What’s the point of living with old people who are quiet when they can just hire people to make plenty of noise for them and then some? Although, I think the sawfest may be momentarily done. When Tom walked down to pick up the mail, he noticed a wooden fence he hadn’t noticed before in back of their place. That might have been what they were working on. Pretty sure I saw planks of wood yesterday leaning against the worktable. But then why didn’t I hear hammering if they were beating in a new fence? That’s okay, though, I heard enough.

Today is cloudy and cool and we might even get a drizzle of rain for a few minutes. The planes are obnoxious because the cloud cover reflects their sound back down to the ground. I could hear them over my blasting headphones on my walk earlier. Right now I have the air cleaner turned up high and Alexa playing brown noise yet I can still hear a bit of a rumble. Winds are heading north, so the planes will be a problem past midnight. I won’t be up all night, though. Tomorrow we’ll be back in the 70s, regardless of what direction the wind is going.

Still a bit crampy and kind of teetering between spotting and a light flow. Every other minute I’m sure I’m going to get a full-blown period, and other times I’m not sure. I’ve lost my water and sore boobs. I just don’t understand why I’m going through this so late in life. I know some women have periods into their late 50s but that’s not usually the case in this country. I also know that being fat can delay menopause, but come on, I’m not that big. The question is whether or not this is enough to reset the menopause clock or not.

I’m doing well but not great on my diet. I’ve had a few things I shouldn’t have had, and I could afford to drop my calories lower, but I’m doing well enough than any normal person should get results. I’m not as hungry as I was the first day either. I won’t be weighing myself until Saturday. Doubt I’ll be down but do I want to be? Well, on the one hand, it’d be nice to have control over my own body and to be able to lose weight if I want or need to, but when this fails as everything else has, I can relax, eat when I’m hungry, know I tried my best, and then just hope I don’t gain much more or become diabetic. So there are pros and cons to both, actually.

When going through On This Day, I came across an entry in 1997 where Tom woke up really horny and then said he was “too horny” to get off after another round of cumless sex. You would think that would sound absolutely batshit crazy even to his own ears. That simply makes no sense at all. That’s like being too cold for a jacket. What I don’t understand is how he could be okay with it even if it was true that he didn’t want kids. I mean, I know everyone’s different and we’re not supposed to be judgmental or intolerant and all that, but who the hell says that? Who the hell could possibly be happy with that? Well, he was either the best damn actor in the world or yeah, he was that much against being a father that it was a problem he wanted to keep rather than go to any doctor about it. I’m glad in the end that he didn’t, but I still wish we didn’t have to go through that shit. I should have trusted my gut instinct that knew I would never be pregnant, I should have gone by his actions (and some of his words), and one of us should have gotten fixed.

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Last updated May 28, 2024