April 2020 in 2020s

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 29, 2020
Wished Christiane a happy birthday in public. I was curious to see if she’d notice and respond but of course she didn’t.

I also couldn’t resist messaging Doc H and Holly. I mean, I know I shouldn’t have since they’re just going to ignore me if they get the message, and again, it’s me being the one to reach out to them, people who would never give me the time of day otherwise. So this is something I guess I still have to work on. Then again, I suppose I am who I am.

I’ve been on nights and Tom has been coding and taking care of the outside. Not because of Joy. We don’t give a shit about her, but we do give a shit about curb appeal. As he’s working, he sometimes chats with the Twenties as well as Bob and Virginia when they drive by.

I asked Kim who the fourth group member was that I couldn’t see and of course I got an answer that made no sense. I could have found out through Tom’s account but whoever they were left the group. Plus, I wasn’t that curious.

Walmart included some extras in our order once again. Midol, which I took years ago and caused me to be drowsy enough to take a nap like full-strength Benadryl does. Some chewable allergy tablets, pretzels, a hazelnut fudge wafer, and lens cleaners which came in handy for my glasses, phone and monitor. Also, a pancake on the go. Pancake mix in a cup that you add water to and microwave that was pretty boring.

I’m back up 1.5 pounds but it’s worth it to be able to indulge. Still, I sometimes envy those with hyperthyroidism. It’s one of the very few “lucky” diseases, you could say. I had it in my twenties before my thyroid swung the other way.

They opened the road in back but due to the lockdown, my sleep shouldn’t be too threatened until it’s lifted. That’s keeping the traffic down more than the closed road was.

I heard back from Dixie. That was Linda visiting. She’s been helping out with Diane. We took the bikes out at around 9 and I could see Dixie sitting in her favorite chair when we passed by. Linda was there again, too.

I’m keeping my bike outside until it gets too cold for riding, and yes, it’s locked up securely this time around. It shouldn’t be exposed to much sunlight where it’s at, but when it gets cold, I’ll hose it down and bring it back indoors.

Went through my Barbie collection and weeded out nearly half of them to donate since I don’t think I can sell them very easily. I thought they would gain value in time like some people thought Beanie Babies would but nope. I’m just not into collecting those anymore and many of them have lost their shine over the years. Outfits have faded, elastic waistbands have broken, and some of them just aren’t that nice. I pulled out just under 30 and I’m going to keep just over 30, even if most of them will likely sit in a box for the rest of my life and not be displayed anywhere.

Had a series of bizarre and senseless dreams the last two nights. Something about being in an elevator, and then there were dreams involving the termites. I ran into them somewhere and hoped they wouldn’t recognize me or something like that. Or that they at least wouldn’t give me any shit if they did.

Then I was on the phone with Andy in another dream and he was saying that he wanted to leave the past in the past without discussing it further.

I was in the forest somewhere in another dream. Jessie was with me and we were looking through pictures of forests in a magazine. I tried to pull something out of the ground a minute later, but it wouldn’t let go. “It’s probably caught on a poster,” I said.

Then we began walking through the woods and there was a speaker on a stand that was making a hissing sound. Jessie went behind it and started speaking to me. When I told her I couldn’t hear her she moved away and said that she would make sure I had her address. Then I told her I would make sure she had mine as well.

In the last dream, I was at a bus stop waiting to board a bus. The bus driver was trying to recall the show that a particular line was from. I had heard the line before and seen the show but forgot the name of it. The dream ended with me struggling to come up with the name.

Later…

Really worried my cavity has gotten infected because I’m having waves of intense pain along my gum line and jaw that is typical of tooth infections. It’s what I had nearly a decade ago when my back bottom molar on the other side went to hell before the county quack pulled it. I’m not exactly sure which tooth it is but one of them is open down to the root. I’m doing saltwater gargling, but it may be too late. I’m going to call my new dentist Friday morning and see if I can get in.

I’m up almost 3 lbs since the day I went really low-cal. I’ll let myself gain one more pound before I low-carb my way back down. I’m having a low-carb meal today, though. Later I’ll fry up some chickpeas that I sprinkle with cheese which isn’t low-carb, but the chicken wings I’m making now are. I seasoned each one differently. One with Mrs. Dash which has a mix of herbs and spices, one with minced onion and a hint of cinnamon, one with paprika, and another with garlic salt.

That’s the second time the rats have gotten into a fight in less than a week and I’m not sure why. Also, Woody looks old and almost too skinny while Fuzzy is fat and healthy-looking.

The motorcycle just came in and this is a little early for them since the bastard doesn’t usually visit until after midnight. Fortunately, they didn’t go by the house but that might be because they don’t yet know the island is open.

Still sleeping okay but that’s because of the lockdown.

Went on a half-hour walk from 9 to 9:30. The island isn’t really as smooth as the guy made it sound like it was going to be but it’s an improvement. Now let’s see how many more times they have to work on the roads before we can get out of here.

Not wanting to go down Oak, I headed for Daisy. Sure enough, as I was coming back up through the island, a skunk skittered from Tandy toward Dixie’s place. I was going to go down Tandy, but when I realized that I would only be heading into an area where there are more likely to be more skunks, I waited a minute or two, and then I ran fast through the island and up to the house. Sick of these fucking things everywhere here! It really is ridiculous.

I brought the skier into the bedroom so that instead of just sitting when I’m in there watching Lifetime movies, I can be a little more active. I won’t lose significant weight, of course, but that’s fine. I’ll gladly spend the rest of my life where I’m at as long as I can continue to low-carb back down whenever I jump up a few pounds.

Even though I know there are a million things that could go wrong from us ending up dirt poor to getting the virus and dying, my mental state, overall, has been a million times better lately. Conceited sounding or not, I deserve it after all those dark days! Make that dark years.

TUESDAY, APRIL 28, 2020
Tom and I went on a bike ride this evening. The weather is gorgeous now. Looks like Dixie had company at the time, but I didn’t see anyone out front. Sent one more email to her. I’d be willing to bet she’s having computer problems. I’ll catch her in person one of these days.

Doing some laundry and cleaned the kitchen until it was sparkling clean. Rockefeller chatted with me the entire time.

Tom tells me things will be fine, and yes, I know things will work out in the end, but there’s still a small part of me that worries. Little by little our money is running out and there’s no way to know for sure if we’re going to get another stimulus check or his retirement money. There’s still working for Amazon as a last resort, but I’d still worry about him getting sick. As unlikely as it may be, there’s still a possibility that we could catch this thing if we haven’t already and end up dying from it. It seems incredibly unlikely, as I said, but the possibility is still there.

We would still want to move even if it was quiet here under normal circumstances because of how expensive it is here. To pay $1200 a month when we could be paying $300 a month for something just as nice or nicer is ridiculous. Staying here is only throwing money away. Not only that, but we’re spending it on tons of loud traffic too close to the house, landscaping sounds virtually every single day, motorcycles tearing in at 1 a.m. and leaving at 4 a.m., an endless slew of projects both in and out of the roads, not to mention water shutoffs two or three times a month.

If the last complaint from Joy was because they somehow figured out I was the one that sent the anonymous message about the late-night motorcycles, then it wasn’t that they told the Beckers we complained on them and then the Beckers retaliated, but just Joy spiting me for some reason as I mostly suspected. So that’s it… Complain on vehicles and she retaliates with counter-complaints. It happened to the Twenties too.

I didn’t end up starving as hard as I wanted to yesterday. I still fasted somewhat, though, with about 700 to 800 calories. Went down half a pound. It likely would have been 1.5 lbs had I eaten less but at least I’ve settled my curiosity. However, even if I could do this every single day, I’m not going to get the same results every day. I still say that how I feel is more important than anything else, a diet of 1000 calories or less is not sustainable, and therefore my best bet is just to bounce back and forth between the same few pounds as I have been. Once I creep up 3 or 4 lbs, I can low-carb myself back down, and back and forth. So this week is going to be my naughty week.

My BMI of 31 is at the high end of healthy for a woman and that’s good enough for me. Even better is that I found that going low-carb keeps me from gaining. I totally believe I would be heavier than I am by now had I not tried this diet. With it, I never feel deprived either. There’s no counting, no measuring, no hunger. It’s just that it isn’t sustainable every single day for many months either because of the lack of variety, and it only takes off a few pounds. It might be worth putting up with a little longer if more could come off than that but since it can’t, I’ll settle for staying where I’m at. :-)

Still sharing old stuff from my other account but keeping it mostly generic. No drama at all unless the drama isn’t too personal/sensitive and doesn’t involve anyone presently in my life.

SUNDAY, APRIL 26, 2020
I was browsing through her group earlier. I don’t read much of what she posts because I know it’s either stolen or so poorly written that it’s not going to make much sense. Noticed I wasn’t able to see the identity of one of her post viewers. Who am I supposed to be bothering who’s connected to her and feels the need to block me? Really, just tell me if you don’t want me looking in on any of your accounts on whatever sites or make your shit private. No need to block me. :-)

At first I thought it was ridiculous that they were opening the beaches in Florida and SoCal, but we’re getting to the point where those that it’s going to kill would have died off for the most part, and those that are going to get it and live will have gotten it. Even we might have had it back when we had sore throats and felt like we had colds.

Changed my mind again and decided to just keep posting pics on Twitter when I get up. I post more on Facebook than I usually do on Twitter and this way I can quickly look up when I got up whenever I want to.

Yesterday I went riding around the circle six times but never saw Dixie. Her car was there and there were lights on in the back of the house, but I didn’t see anyone outside other than Elaine. What’s weird is that she hasn’t responded to my emails. I don’t know if she’s having computer problems or what but hopefully she’s okay.

I swear Santa lives on his front bench. Both times I took the bike out he was sitting on the bench with one of his dogs next to him and the first time he even started to nod off. What, does he sleep there all night?

I raised the temperature in here because not eating makes me cold. I’m doing intermittent fasting today and believe it or not, I just may get results if I could stick with it. I don’t think I can, though. There would be a lot more skinny people in the world if it was that simple to sustain. I’m not going to decide anything until I see what happens with it. I woke up at 155.2 and before I had an avocado, I slipped down to 154.8. I’m hoping to crash no higher than 155.2 and wake up 153.something but I don’t think that will happen. I’ll probably be 154.something instead. Depending on the results, I’ll decide if I really want to lose weight bad enough to do this more often, if I can stand to. I mean sure, I would definitely be healthier if I did. I could lower my cholesterol, lower my blood pressure even more, lower my risk of diabetes, and gain flexibility. But is it worth the hunger if I’m just going to die someday anyway? I’m not so sure. I kind of go back and forth in my mind on that one. I mean, I’m not 20 years old with my whole life ahead of me but I’m not exactly 80 either.

BP isn’t too bad right now. 136/79. Pulse is 76 which is nice and mellow for me.

In the 6.5 hours I’ve been up, I’ve had a small avocado, a few grapes and melon cubes, a shake, coffee, and that’s it. Planning on more fruit around midnight and some steamed broccoli around 4.

Finished my NaNo story at 10K words, so I’ll begin the editing of that a little at a time. I just can’t get into writing stories as much as I used to even though I’m a better writer than I used to be, and I have all these wonderful tools I didn’t always have. But if I could get a collection of five or six short stories that are around 10K words each, I could publish them as a collection.

I haven’t had a single sale or borrow since the second and I don’t know if it’s because of my one 3-star review or not. I wouldn’t think that would be enough to discourage people, but I don’t know. Maybe someone’s just not meant to make money. Would I have N24 if I were? It seems just as many things are determined by happenstance or maybe even destiny as there are by our own actions. I don’t know what to think as far as trying to figure that much goes, but for whatever reason, I ain’t making shit.

The outside of my ear is bugging me more than the inside these days and it’s SOOO frustrating! This ain’t just TMJ and I know there isn’t a damn thing anyone can do about it. I’m cursed for life cuz they couldn’t leave me the fuck alone and love and accept me as I was.

I swear that not only does my tooth with the large cavity on the bottom annoy me, but it’s like half of my teeth do. I guess it’s because it’s been on my mind and I worry about how soon I can get back to the dentist.

Perhaps it shouldn’t, but it really bothered me when I found that I could run my name on ZabaSearch and pull up my address in an instant. That shouldn’t be anyone’s business! Doesn’t that count as sharing sensitive info? This should be optional. The individual people should decide whether or not any of their sensitive info is shared for anyone in the world to see.

So it took me only two days to re-acclimate to the heat. I would still be worried if I was home alone somewhere in Florida and the AC broke down in the dead of summer because that would not only be a lot more heat than I let the place get up to but humidity as well. I’d love to think that if we went rural, we could still have neighbors similar to some of the ones we have here but no chance. They would be a combination of welfare bums and large families with plenty of dogs. Big dogs.

I had a dream we moved but I don’t think it means anything because it really didn’t make much sense. It’s like we headed for the northeast as opposed to the southeast. People were surprised to meet someone who had lived in Cali and Arizona. That’s more typical of how people in the northeast would react because most of the people there are from there unlike here, Arizona, and Florida where most people are from somewhere else.

In the dream, I said I sometimes missed home which I would never say. I never miss a place I’ve moved from. I may miss some aspects of the place, but I don’t ever miss it to the point where a part of me wishes I could move back or that I still lived there.

Molly must not suspect me anymore for voting her as ugly on her poll since she deleted the tweet accusing me. Hmm… Wonder how many other times she’s mentioned me before deleting the tweet.

SATURDAY, APRIL 25, 2020
Forgot to charge my phone last night but brought it from 17% to 24% while brushing my teeth. My bottom right molar is still bothering me, too.

Starting to get a little worried that life is going to shit on our plans. I just don’t see an end to this virus anytime soon. One’s plans rarely go as expected if they even go at all. We’re no exception to that rule. So I worry about ending up broke and unable to move.

They can’t keep us locked down forever. If they don’t come up with a vaccine, then sooner or later they’re going to have to let us out and hope for the best.

If by some miracle things do work out, the plan is to get out of here next year. We’ll pack our shit in a shipping container and have it driven to whatever town we choose to live in. Then we’ll fly to a hotel there and hopefully pick out and purchase a place quickly.

Even though it’s been quieter overall with the island closed and the virus going around, I can’t wait to get out of here. Forget about what it sounds like; I just want a newer place for once! I’m tired of living in places built in the last century. I want the date our place was built to start with a 2 for a change.

Not at all surprisingly, I could hear someone sawing, but it was further away so it wasn’t that annoying. Again, I know I’ve said it a million times, but I can’t believe how often they do that here! As in using circular saws. Never lived anywhere like this before. It’s just ridiculous that you hear that so often here of all places.

At least we’re not the only ones with occasional woodpeckers, after all. He and I were sitting out on the bench swing during a quieter moment when we heard a few pecks coming from somewhere across the street. Either on Dahl or Geri’s carport, I’m guessing.

Geri, and someone who was visiting her, were counting my laps when I took the bike around the circle yesterday evening, LOL. She said to do 10 laps and I’ll have gone a mile. Four was enough for me in the heat and the main point was to see if I could catch Dixie out and about. I not only didn’t see her, but she hasn’t responded to my email which is a little unlike her, so I hope everything is okay with her. I’ll take the bike out again this evening but will make it a little later. Maybe she doesn’t go out till after dark.

I lost 2.5 lbs. in 3 days but I’m not sure I want to bother with fasting. If I do, I’ll do it tomorrow. If I had to guess, while I’m sure I wouldn’t lose any weight fasting, I might at least stay the same. If I continue low-carb, however, my weight will automatically reset itself back to where it was on its own. This is what I’m used to and what my body is most comfortable at, so yeah, not sure I want to fast for nothing. I’ll take today to decide whether or not it’s worth doing just to see what happens for sure.

I was thinking of sharing pics when I get up on Facebook instead of Twitter because there are more people I interact with there who could see and enjoy them. I would just make sure they were public so those I wasn’t connected to could see them as well. It’s just that Twitter is dead and no matter how much I try, I really can’t get into it. Pretty sure no one I know follows me there, but if you do, you’ll know why if I decide to deactivate the account. Haven’t decided that one yet, though. I suppose it wouldn’t hurt to just leave it sitting there. I don’t have to use it just because it’s there.

Ironically, Molly doesn’t suspect that I’m Penny, but she suspects I voted “no” when she was fishing for compliments by asking in a poll if people thought she was pretty. “I know it’s you, Jodi,” she tweeted. “Admit it. Have a problem with me? We can talk it out.”

Aly must’ve told her that she thinks I’m Penny. But once again…how would she figure that out??? Penny’s tweets are private. Aly could only see them if Molly copied them for her. At least I’m guessing that even though Aly isn’t presently connected to her there she’s at least checking out her tweets.

Ugh, Santa and his fucking mutts! Yeah, they’re more obnoxious in nicer weather.

Too bad about Kim’s younger and only brother being hospitalized with the virus, even though he’s expected to be okay.

FRIDAY, APRIL 24, 2020
It’s gotten even harder for the fish to get around. He was spending most of his time on the floor of the tank. Even though we lowered the water level, it was hard for him to swim up to get his food, so I decided it was time to put him back in the large cup we got him in. He’s sitting on my desk right now. I’ll change the water every few days. Just trying to make his final days as comfortable as I can.

It’s been hotter today at 91° yet I haven’t felt as hot as I did yesterday except for when I was working around the house taking care of laundry, cleaning and the animals. I did several other things as well. I took care of the plants and I even gathered up the colored plastic stones from the fake palm tree pots and put them in a container. We’re not taking the trees, but I figured I would take the stones.

Then we swapped the treadmill and Bowflex so the treadmill would be under the fan, and ran out to Rite Aid. I was surprised to see so many people working there without masks.

I was glad to see in my Facebook newsfeed that there’s a local dentist open 24 hours nearby in case my teeth get worse. My bottom back molar is starting to sting when I eat, and I worry about the cavities opening up to the point where I may need crowns in which case I’m going to tell them to just pull them. I don’t want to play the crown game again or have that kind of expense on us when we’re trying to save everything we can. In fact, if his retirement doesn’t kick in by mid-May, we’re going to start getting worried. Especially since we can’t count on another stimulus check or him getting a job anytime soon.

He was supposed to get a check today but then they said it could take up to 6 weeks, and we’ll supposedly get two checks next month. Yeah, like we can really trust the government to follow through. We can’t get evicted due to this crisis which has seemingly no end in sight, but we still need to eat. So even though I can’t believe anything up there would be quick to kick us out of a place that’s usually noisy, there are other things that could happen that could make life really hard for us.

Yesterday has to have been the quietest weekday in the history of this park. Not even weekends are usually that quiet, though I did hear a few loud vehicles and planes. It’s been pretty quiet today other than when they were picking up the trash but it’s only because of the lockdown and the fact that the island is still closed off.

When the sun starts going down, I’m going to take the bike out around the circle. When I pass Dixie’s place, I’ll look for her.

Ordered new toothbrush heads although it’s still hard to get to the very back teeth. I can reach them, but not as well as the others. I do my best, though. If I don’t hear from the dentist, also around mid-May, I’ll call and see if I can find out what’s going on. If they won’t see me anytime soon, I’ll go to the other dentist even if it’s a guy, and as usual, foreign.

THURSDAY, APRIL 23, 2020
We cleaned some of our jewelry today as well as some of my crystals that will soon be packed.

Dixie sent a message saying she misses our chats and that she’ll be sitting out in the early evening. She also said she had something for me to try on and that I could have it if I like it. Also, someone’s been breaking into her car. Not taking anything but just going into it.

I really hope she’s just imagining things because we leave our car unlocked too. No one seems to mess with anything, not that we have anything valuable in the car. If she is right and not just imagining things, why would someone want to enter her car just for shits and giggles? Someone trying to gaslight her or something?

Her friend Margaret has been sending me some funny memes as well.

It’s not even May and already the motorcycles are getting on my nerves (and Mrs. Twenties). There’s one nearby that loves to sit and rev it up and be totally annoying as fuck. This is part of why I want to go rural. Unless we could find the perfect setting in Florida, as in too good to be true, I’m not interested. We can’t afford to be right on the ocean, so what difference does it make if we’re 10 minutes away or 30 minutes away when we’ll not only have the time to drive there but won’t be going to the beach every single day, anyway?

I’m just sick of all the racket people make, though it has been quiet so far today.

I’ve been warm these last few days and while I hate to be cold and I’ve always loved summer, I wonder why. I know they say that age and excess body fat can make you warm but I’m not that old or fat. Tom is older and has more fat, yet he isn’t too warm. I’ve also read that it’s a side effect of my medication and I’ve definitely noticed this problem since I began the shit. Could also be the hormone thing too. I hate to say it, but I definitely don’t tolerate heat like I used to. I don’t know, maybe living in an endless summer wouldn’t be good for me. It definitely makes sleeping and working out harder and things like that. Just because I’m home a lot doesn’t mean I’m sitting on my ass. I keep busy and often do things that are physical, and I know this can induce hot flashes. Sometimes I can feel warm even when it’s 70 degrees in here when I’m busy cleaning or something like that. Definitely would never want to live anywhere colder than here, though. It would have to be a hell of a house in a hell of a location and even then I would be very hesitant.

I’ve been going back and forth. I started off my day on the warm side, made a point of taking a cooler shower, and I thought that was going to help but now I’m warm again. I’m sleeveless and it’s 76.5 degrees in here. That’s not overly warm. Or is it?

Although I don’t think this dream meant anything, I had a dream I started feeling sick. I was coughing, sneezing and congested. I felt like I was coming down with a cold. I went to take my temperature and it told me I was 66° so I knew I screwed up or the battery was dying. The dream ended before I could get a second reading.

I still don’t fear that will catch the virus despite nearly 200K deaths now, but I would be a bit worried if we did, unlike when it first started. It seemed to kill older people and those with health issues at first but now it seems it can kill anyone. Fortunately, most people do recover from it, but I might be a little nervous if we got it, never knowing what might happen.

We had groceries delivered today and they gave us some freebies. I liked the oatmeal bar but neither of us is interested in the spicy Mexican beans.

I’m down half a pound. Two more pounds and I starve it. May not be very sociable those days since the last thing I’ll want to hear about is food when I’m doing that.

Our insurance now has a thing where we can contact a nurse any time of night or day in an instant. I hope we’ll never need it but it’s nice to know we have it.

Twice yesterday I started to feel faint cramps, but it didn’t amount to anything and I’m good so far today. :-)

Looks like it was Roman that Molly was talking about so I’m guessing Aly is just giving it time before she creates a new account to connect to Molly with. For now, they’re probably keeping in touch on Skype or WhatsApp. I’ll ask her and I’m sure “Penny” will get an answer within a few hours.

Oh! Already got an answer. She says no. Maybe they’re on FB, then. Aly did say she uses it for messaging.

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 22, 2020
Kim is driving me crazy with long rambling messages again mostly about the virus and June. My first thought was that it was time to cry speaker/mic problems and go back to texting. It’s easier to skim words with my eyes than her 15 minutes’ worth of telling me the same old, same old.

But then again, I know what she’s saying so there’s no reason I can’t just skim through the first few seconds of the many messages. I don’t have to listen to every word.

But really, I tell her that her 14 messages are a bit too much and I wake up to 17. Stupid, stupid, dumbass idiot! And the funny thing was that she said she agreed to cut back. I’m so fucking sick of mental cases! People like her, Molly, Marie and the termites are no longer the kinds of people I can stomach. It’s one thing to be moody every now and then like we all are, but it’s another thing to be insane and always miserable. I don’t care if I sound mean or if these people can’t help being the way they are. I just can’t tolerate and deal with them anymore. I see what they mean when they say people get less tolerant with age. I’m just tired of those who are always down or angry, those who are totally stuck on themselves without much empathy if any at all, and those who just don’t listen to a damn thing you say. If you can’t do a simple little favor like cutting your messages back, what can you do? I do appreciate the way Kim is always there but her being home all the time is really making her one hell of a pest. Especially when she keeps telling me the same things over and over again. I need sane, considerate, compassionate, honest, and at least somewhat intelligent/normal people in my life!

Been bringing my dream blog up to date. I stopped updating it in 2016, so I’m bringing it up to date from there little by little, pulling dreams from journals.

Interestingly enough, I had a dream about Ruth O, though I can’t remember what it was about. Sorry, I can’t call her Aunt Ruth because she never cared to be an aunt to me.

Took the bikes out for the first time this year. Definitely going to be a while before I get back in riding shape but I was off to a great start. All the walking and jogging I do helps. Bob and Virginia were driving out as we were heading out, so it was nice to say hello to them and let them see we’re still alive and all that.

Some guy walking a dog in a motorized wheelchair commented on my colorful bike as I passed by. Not sure if I’ll take it with me when we move, though, since it’s not the greatest bike. Also, I just looked at adult tricycles and would LOVE to get one when we move. Because I’m so short, I have to jump off the seat when stopping, even with 24” wheels. With smaller wheels, my feet reach the pavement, but I’m underpowered, especially going uphill. On flat land like in Florida, smaller wheels would be fine but if I stuck with 24”, I wouldn’t have to jump off the seat. I don’t like the ones where you sit low to the ground. They just don’t look like they’d be much fun. Plus, they’d really restrict your view.

They could finish laying the new pavers down on the island today which will kind of suck because then the motorcycles and other ferociously loud vehicles can zoom right by the bedroom. It’s going to be horrible once the lockdown is lifted so I just gotta remind myself it’s only for one more year.

Eager to move or not, Tom wishes he could be permanently retired. He loves his life now. He said he could never get sick of coding, writing, gaming, exercising and taking care of the outside. I’m enjoying the lockdown too since it’s keeping things quieter, but we really do need to get back to the land of the living in order to help us get out of here. Sadly, it isn’t looking like he’s going to be able to get work anytime soon, though. Like maybe not until the end of the summer. I wasn’t kidding when I said I had a bad feeling that something up there might make it hard for us to get out of here. As fun as this may be and as great as my mental state has been, especially where the inside is concerned since he’s been home all the time, he’s got to get back to work and I’ve got to get to a dentist. Either way, though, even if the lockdown lasted a year, we’re outa this fucking place next year.

Back on my low-carb diet since all the naughties have run out. I didn’t gain back everything I lost, though. I’m one pound shy of that. I decided to low-carb it and then starve it. Tom insists that even I would lose weight if I starved after I was saying the other day that I could do that and still hold my weight. So to prove that he’s wrong and to remind myself that I’m right, I’m going to starve for a day or two once my weight gets back down to its usual low. I’ll have a meal replacement shake in the middle of my day, though, cuz I don’t want to pass out just to prove a point. So…low-carb it, then starve it. Occasional fasting is said to be good for the body anyway.

TUESDAY, APRIL 21, 2020
I can’t get in the mood to work on my story today. It’s just not the greatest story I’ve ever come up with. I’ve still got plenty of time to hit my 10K-word goal, though.

The saw fanatic came around yesterday after just one day shy of 3 weeks, but fortunately I didn’t hear much sawing. He actually spent more time indoors than outdoors being annoying.

Today it was my other side to go cramping on me. Really hope it’s just gas! I think so since it’s unlikely to be on the sides if it was my uterus. It’s also unlikely for one ovary to pick on me one day and then the other the next day.

Love how much quieter traffic is with the lockdown and the island closed. Oh, I still hear plenty of loud vehicles and there were a handful of low-flying helicopters today too, but nothing like usual. This won’t last forever, though. Personally, I’m ready to take on more noise so I can get my teeth done and he can get a job to help get us out of here. He’s enjoying the lockdown, though, because he has so many things that he’s enjoying doing that he couldn’t do much of while working so many hours. Some of it will hopefully help us get out of here, too.

I’d be more than willing to work my ass off if there was a way I could do so from home that would be profitable other than just a few bucks here and a few bucks there on books that rarely get bought or downloaded.

It’s 78 degrees inside the house and I love being able to go sleeveless and barefoot once again. I have the fan on now. Looking forward to the summery weather we should have for the next half a year.

Although I know I shouldn’t have, I couldn’t resist befriending Molly from my health account. I just changed the name and got rid of any tweets that might give me away. After she accepted, I went private. It’s amazing how much information I can get out of her, much of which she volunteers on her own. She wasted no time telling me about that guy Caesar who attacked her many years ago. It was the first thing she told me when she first reached out to me over a decade ago. She’s still the exact same Molly overall.

Although it may be wrong, she’ll always be none the wiser as long as Aly doesn’t happen to find out who I am and give her a heads-up. She can see the bogus name of Penny and my false bio about being an animal-loving Christian who plays tennis, but nothing else.

I became curious when I read some of Molly’s tweets about being dumped and noticed that Aly’s account disappeared. I was starting to think she might be referring to Aly after tweeting that “unknown guy” was telling her he was dumping her because she was bad for his mental health, something Aly would say. I thought that maybe that was Aly’s way of telling her how she felt but then I realized that Aly wouldn’t pretend to be someone else while explaining why she was dumping someone. The tweets about being sorry for not being there for her have disappeared, another thing that made me think Aly dumped her.

Then I asked her who her besties were, and sure enough, she was very quick to give names. A couple of girls in Marbridge and Aly as well. So if Aly has dumped her, she doesn’t know it. I doubt Aly would ever dump her at this point and I’m sure she’ll create a new account to connect with her on anytime now. And block me, of course.

MONDAY, APRIL 20, 2020
I hear something loud cruising around out there and it’s only 7am. Ridiculous. If you can’t get peace in a retirement community, where can you get it? Perhaps the Florida panhandle? Well, that’s one option. We looked at what was available in that area as far as land with newer houses goes and it would definitely be a lot more peaceful there. Unfortunately, it can freeze during the winter but overall the winters are much warmer there. We never have 75-degree days in December or 80-degree days in January here.

I looked at crime and racial demographics to get an idea of where there may be more poverty and crime like gang activity to avoid and as long as we don’t go up to the state border, we should be okay. This is just one of many options, though, because it’s still way too soon to decide on anything for sure.

The more shit I have to put up with here, the less open I am to going to another park. Unless it’s an amazing house with an amazing view in an amazing location within the park and an amazing location around the park, I think I would prefer to return to country living. Just being able to have our own private little inflatable pool that we can use any time of night or day without having to worry about it being closed or wild brats being around would be nice.

As expected, I’m up a pound even though I shouldn’t be. So I decided that it would be pointless to go low-carb every single day. Whenever I bottom out and my weight goes into auto-reset, it won’t kill me to indulge in a few processed goodies for variety. Then when I’m up a few pounds, I can low-carb the few pounds back off. Still don’t know why my body won’t let its weight off but I guess it must feel it needs it. It hasn’t killed me yet, though.

Groceries will be delivered in about an hour and I’m going to enjoy a lazy day. Did a lot of work yesterday on various things around the house so it’s nice to relax every now and then. Not even going to go out walking. It’s very cloudy out there today and only expected to get up to 70 degrees. They called off the rain, though. After tomorrow we’ll be in for summery weather until November.

I still have cramps on and off and lately, they seem to be concentrated more on my right side. Can’t be a hundred percent sure they’re coming from any of my lady parts but it seems like they are. Still don’t think anything is wrong, though. I’m not about to run to doctors every time I feel something funny. Unless I’m in tremendous debilitating pain, I’m not going to doctors other than for my usual check-ups.

SUNDAY, APRIL 19, 2020
I love it when I have funny dreams instead of the usual depressing or scary ones. But first, I hope today is quieter than yesterday. The road is still closed and there is still less traffic overall which is great and not as many planes, but I swear I heard five or six different rounds of landscaping in the area yesterday which is ridiculous. So it isn’t just every day but multiple times a day.

I’m a little light-headed today because I’m in ketosis but my weight is as low as it will go so I’m adding a few more carbs today with some OJ.

First I had some kind of dream that had to do with discussing significant weight loss with my doctor.

The funny one was where the termite wanted a job as a titty dancer and was turned down. She stormed off dejectedly, and I was surprised when the guy said I could have the job even though I was much older and heavier than the last time I worked the T&A clubs.

I turned down the job because of my sleep disorder but then out of curiosity, I decided to show up that night since I’d be available just to see how much I could make. I may have been older and heavier, but I did have big ones.

I tried to explain to one of the women who worked there that I wouldn’t be able to dance every night and why but of course she didn’t get it. I asked how often I would dance not knowing if they rotated their dancers or what and she said, “Anytime you can.”

So I changed into my costume and applied my pasties when I began to dance about the customers at their tables. The place looked more like a diner than a club. There was no stage or anything like that. Then I realized I forgot my heels so I quickly ran and slipped those on.

One of the customers I danced for was a police officer but he didn’t seem very friendly. So I wound my way through the tables where a bunch of younger guys sat and then I realized I hadn’t told Tom where I was going and that he may be worried, wondering where the hell I was. I danced a while longer and then decided I would call and have him pick me up.

When it came time to collect my earnings for the night, I found that I hadn’t gotten a single cent. Instead, my payment was 18 slices of bacon.

SATURDAY, APRIL 18, 2020
Why did I just get a notification on my phone from WhatsApp when nothing new is there? Oh, wait. Someone named Kim with a business account that’s in the medical field contacted me saying she was on WA now. She likely sent it to me by mistake.

Edited and posted the excerpts documenting the termites’ shit and even allowed for anonymous comments. Just curious if anything comes in. I really want to be careful while we’re still here so I decided that when we move I will unblock them and see if they message me. If they message me first, I’ll send them the link to the excerpts. If they don’t, I’ll wait a year after we’ve moved and then send it. I definitely do want them to see them if they haven’t already.

The park is fucking with us again. There was a notice demanding that we weed this and trim that, blah, blah, blah. But that’s what he’s been doing the last couple of days! Who the fuck do these people think they are anyway, our parents? I feel like a fucking kid all over again… Do your homework, clean your room…well, we’re not fucking children! Yet I almost feel like I’m on probation. We’re going to do what we’re going to do, and they can go fuck themselves.

It’s ironic that it comes the day after I leave an anonymous message about nighttime motorcycles and my first thought was, holy shit, they somehow know it’s me! But then complaints didn’t always follow past messages so I’m sure it’s just a coincidence. Joy can still shove a rolling pin up her ass.

They had their fucking parade again yesterday instead of the 15th, but they didn’t go around the circle, so it wasn’t that loud.

Yesterday I did a quick run just to see how my uterus would react. I had faint intermittent cramps yesterday and was seriously beginning to worry that I might possibly have uterine cancer even though I wasn’t bleeding. I definitely have several risk factors… Being fat, over 50, starting periods early, not hitting menopause by 51, never having kids.

Uterine cancer is rare but then so is circadian rhythm disorder and atresia.

Then Tom had an interesting theory I never thought of and it seems like he could be right. I sure hope so, anyway! I contemplated getting the ultrasound done and over with next week so I would either get the peace of mind of knowing that everything was okay or God forbid told what I don’t want to hear, especially when we’re trying to save all we can to get out of here next year. But then he suggested that due to my taking my medication more often and my thyroid levels being close to normal, that’s likely what triggered the late period. He thinks the cramps were my body trying to generate another period. It makes sense and I do hope he’s right, even though my dumbass body should know it’s getting too old for this shit.

I did some spells as I was falling asleep yesterday and today I’ve been fine which is quite a relief. I’ve had enough of doctors anyway!

Today I did another two-mile walk/jog and felt great. Went a little earlier than I should have because it was still dark by the time I hit Oak. Never saw any skunks, though. The turkeys started gobbling even while they were still up in the trees. Never saw any vehicles. Just one dog walker. Love how the smell of Jasmine is more prominent now. So with the exception of a few planes, it was a very peaceful walk.

FRIDAY, APRIL 17, 2020
Now I not only have a mysterious lump at the base of my neck, but mysterious cramps, too. Pretty sure they’re coming from my uterus, though I’m not having any bleeding. I wish to hell I’d needed a hysterectomy decades ago when I was younger and tougher. That way I not only would have skipped out on tons of periods over the years, but I also wouldn’t have to worry about anything going wrong with body parts I didn’t have.

Yesterday I walked the entire park perimeter for the first time in ages. It took me 40 minutes to go the 2 miles. I did a little bit of jogging along the way. Before I even got back, I noticed I had faint cramps. They picked up a little when I got home and I had to take Ibuprofen. They came and went for the rest of the day. I know that exercise can induce period-like cramps, but I still worry. With us now in our final year here I’m naturally going to be paranoid about anything bad coming up at the last minute to hold us back. It seems that from what I read it can be anything from the uterus lining thinning with age to fibroids which are usually non-cancerous to uterine cancer. Hopefully, it’s nothing serious and might not even be coming from any of my lady parts, even though it seems to be.

I don’t know if I was dreaming or if I really had cramps in my sleep, but I woke up an hour or two earlier than expected. So I’m a little tired today and therefore I don’t know if I’m going to do any walking. I am going to sprint for as long as I can stand on the treadmill later on because I want to see if it induces cramps or not to get a better sense of what it may be.

My main reason for not going to the GYN is still that the exams they want to do are too painful. And even if they weren’t I don’t need any kind of expensive medical procedure, it could really delay the move. This is an independent nation. We’re expected to take care of our own medical needs and right now that’s the last thing we need.

Right after my last entry, there wasn’t one but two fucking motorcycles that went tearing out of here at 3:30 yesterday morning. They sounded like they came up out of the circle. Probably from that cock across from Dixie.

Had a dream we were living in a rural place. It didn’t seem like any place we’d ever moved to but because it was so vivid, I wonder if it was a glimpse into another dimension. I was standing at the end of a long winding driveway in a wooded area similar to Jesse’s. I gazed across the street and looked at these two, two-story houses that were about 200 feet from the road and 400 feet apart from each other and thought how perfect they would be for us.

Then I turned and headed back to our place. I don’t know what it looked like or if we were renting the place or not, but towards the foot of the driveway about 50 feet into a thinly wooded area, was another house. A woman went to visit a woman who lived there, and I thought I saw some exercise equipment when they opened the door to let their visitor in.

Aly’s 39 today. Finally found Molly’s account again now that she mentioned her group home in her tweets along with her name. Can’t believe she’s connected to the guy in Iowa who beat her, but then I can. Wonder what she meant, though when she tweeted, “I’m sorry for not being there when you needed me the most. I’m sorry if it was not me holding your hand. I’m sorry about your loss. I’m sorry I choose to leave than staying by your side.”

Sorry about what loss?

Anyway, I’m surprised she never mentions me. Maybe she really can move on from some people. Even though her tweets are private, Aly hasn’t tweeted in a while. I wonder if she’s not too happy with Molly right now and is giving her the silent treatment.

THURSDAY, APRIL 16, 2020
Not much to report other than that I’m enjoying the way the lockdown is keeping things quieter around here even if I miss going out whenever wherever with no face mask and would like to get my cavities taken care of. However, it’s been a whole two weeks since the saw cock has been around, so I’m sure the bastard will be over anytime now to do its thing. Especially with me rolling onto days where I’ll be awake to hear it unless I hibernate in the bedroom with the air cleaner on high.

The motorcycle came in again at 1am which should be leaving anytime now. People visiting where my parents lived in the ’80s and ’90s in the middle of the night in a car was probably unheard of let alone on a motorcycle of all things. It’s not as loud because it can’t come up Astro with the island closed off, but once it can, it could wake me up without the extra sound machine. So I’m going to have to go with double protection even at night until it gets cold again in November. If we weren’t planning to get out of here next year, I would be very tempted to hunt and confront the prick. Pretty sure the fucker is on the dead-end in back.

I lost the few pounds I gained when slacking off my low-carb diet, and again, I thank God I thought to research this diet because while I can never lose more than a few pounds with my disease, it’s a quick and easy way to get back down after gaining a few pounds which I’m sure I’ll do at times. Definitely not as hard and as hungry as when I used to go low-cal, though I am a bit hungrier today because I went down 1.6 lbs in one day. It’s okay to have extra carbs once a week, though. Like the rice milk I wanted to try that I got. It’s the best-tasting milk ever because it’s so sweet.

My GYN finally gave up on me. I wonder if every Monday until she leaves, her office is going to call wanting to get me in that week, LOL.

Going for a walk at 6:30 when the sun will start coming up and send the skunks off to bed. I went for a midnight walk the other night, avoiding the street the skunks are more likely to be hanging out on and didn’t see anything I didn’t want to see.

TUESDAY, APRIL 14, 2020
I can hear the freeway which means I can hear planes as well. Yesterday, I was just falling asleep when I heard a loud rumbling. Right outside the bedroom window and close enough to read the writing on somebody’s shirt, was a huge truck with the new pavers for the island area. A forklift was pulling them off the truck and setting them down by the island. Fortunately, they weren’t there long, and I was able to sleep okay. I can just imagine the hammering to come, though. As I said a million times, this place is ridiculous. One annoying thing after another.

Sure enough, there was a message from my GYN’s office. She must really be worried for me or miss the hell out of me, LOL. They didn’t call until 4:30.

Biden is talking about lowering the age of Medicare to 60 if he gets elected, but it’s all talk until and if I ever see otherwise. It’s more of a concern about who gets into the Senate and the House as opposed to who gets elected president. Where Liberals believe in that saying, “live and let live,” for Republicans it’s all control, control, control. I don’t know why they feel they have to change others and try to force them to be like they are. We can be who we are without changing others, but they don’t seem to get this.

What I don’t get is why Republicans would want people to be without their basic needs. Is it just funny to them? Do they get off on it? Is it all about knowing they can control people and the thrill of having power over them? Or do they just not understand what it’s like to have to do without things since they’ve never been down that road themselves?

Yes, there are a lot of welfare bums out there. There are a lot of people on welfare that shouldn’t be. But some people really truly do need help and I don’t think they understand or get that. People who have never had to do without seem to automatically assume that others haven’t had to do without or that there’s no need for them to, almost as if they asked to get in a jam in the first place and can quickly correct it at the snap of their fingers. Well, that’s not the way it works, you over-privileged, pathetic shitsters!

When I was going through all my tarnished and nasty-looking toe rings, I noticed a silver one with blue gemstones that still looked brand new. I looked it up in our Amazon orders and found that it has a zirconia coating which keeps it from tarnishing. I put it on one of my toes and it looks dazzling. :-) If it continues to look as nice as it does now, I’ll get another one in a different color at some point.

It’s now looking like Cali’s lockdown will end on the first. Good! Then he can finally get a job and I can get my cavities filled. We talked about how his making a lot of money might make it tempting to stay a few more months to save more in order to give us even more options for moving, but I can’t believe he’d ever be paid fairly for once in his life. I think that if anything up there is going to try to trap us here it’s going to do it with my health. I don’t know what or how, but that would be my first guess.

I’m editing journal entries pertaining to this shit I went through with the termites to make it a little more readable. I don’t know if I’ll send it to them or if they’ll eventually stumble upon the excerpts on their own if they haven’t already, but I do intend for them to see them someday. And get the last word. :) I just want to wait till we’ve been gone for over a year so that if they get this address and send anything, it won’t be forwarded.

What bothers me is that Tom has to leave not only his email address on his apps in the app store but our address as well. I just hope they’re not smart enough to think to look this up. If they really want to get contact info, though, all they have to do is pay for it.

MONDAY, APRIL 13, 2020
I changed not only the cover of my book on NaNo but also the title to Perfect Pitch. The doctor in the story is going to have a safe and the nanny will remember the tones she hears whenever the doctor unlocks it so she can rip her off and all that while she hides out next door with her gorgeous neighbor as they plot against her and so on and so forth.

I lost one of the 3 lbs I gained but don’t know if I really want to go keto for 6 weeks. In reading more about it, I found that you typically don’t get long-term results from it. About 2 weeks is normal. Besides, I kind of like myself as I am and would rather just be whatever I was meant to be. Well, within reason. I would still like to keep from gaining. Might not be down another pound tomorrow, though, because I’m polishing off the last of the no-nos.

Decided not to do daily prompts anymore on Prosebox because it was beginning to feel too much like a homework assignment, and I got sick of doing it.

Not much else to say other than that I’m enjoying the wonderfully peaceful nights and our beautiful weather. Still getting a little chilly really early in the morning, though.

Wonder how many times my GYN’s office will attempt to reach me tomorrow.

SUNDAY, APRIL 12, 2020
It’s kind of funny how I was thinking that my journals wouldn’t be understandable in 20K years as language evolves when my oldest ones are barely understandable now. Yeah, I was a really shitty writer. I’m not about to go through 10K pages of journals, though, when I still don’t think I’ll actually share them after I’m gone, and even if I did, changing them too much takes away from what they were/are.

Almost 109K people have died from the virus. Again, we don’t mind being locked down. We’re homebodies who do well with extra time on our hands for the most part, but it’s getting kind of old at the same time. We have to schedule groceries for delivery days in advance, they’re out of damn near everything, I worry my cavities may worsen before I get back to the dentist, and having to wear a mask when we go out gets old, too. My face is hypo puffy but small by stature at the same time, so using my long floral scarf covers me easily.

Still love how much quieter it’s keeping the roads and the skies, though. it’s been dead quiet tonight. This is the way it should be every night everywhere. I’m sure I’ll hear some small planes or helicopters at some point but so far, it’s been wonderful.

Went for a half-hour walk at dusk, and it was nice.

Only I could gain 3 lbs in one day, LOL, even if it’s my fault because yesterday I ate mostly processed stuff and too much of it. Didn’t exercise either. Thank God I discovered the power of low carbs so I can lose those few pounds in no time. If I hadn’t done my research and homework on this thing, I would have probably gained steadily all my life. I mean, why would any doctor be smart enough to tell me about it, right? I’m still hypo, though, so it’s not going to have the kind of long-term effect it would have on most people. It isn’t just that processed foods put weight on me but it’s definitely not good for me and is more expensive. Luckily for me, I have learned to cook, and I actually enjoy it too.

They now have all the old pavers in the island removed and sitting in a pile around the wooden frame they were in. Really hope whatever they do to fill it in and make it smooth doesn’t wake me up. I don’t think it will since it’s a few houses away. Hopefully, car doors slamming won’t wake me up tomorrow either since I’m guessing that most people are going to want to come here for Easter instead of the other way around since the people here are old and shouldn’t be going anywhere.

Yeah, thanks to Easter and people shopping online like crazy, even though Walmart now limits you to only two items per order, I can’t get any fucking eggs. I’m going low-carb for at least 6 weeks and I doubt that 6 weeks of eggs would kill me. That is when I can get them.

We ran out to Rite Aid earlier with our homemade masks. Some people were wearing masks and some weren’t. They put a shield up at the register. We went straight for what we wanted and got out of there fast. I was surprised the store wasn’t crowded. I didn’t get any snacks, but he got a couple of packs of Zingers. He swears he’s never having chips again since they mess up his stomach.

I got my mini bottles of wine and took the last 6 merlots along with a couple of others. So anyone coming in after me looking forward to mini merlots will be disappointed.

I definitely do have TMJ be it because of my ear surgeries or not, because last night the pain I had definitely radiated within my jaw.

My nails are getting better, but I still have some of that reddish-purple discoloration as well as some lifting in a few nails. The yellow tinge has lessened quite a bit. It’s hard not to run and polish them. I hate for my nails to be unpolished!

Read more about the sterile saline water they fill the uterus with to enlarge it a bit in order to get better images. They can’t do it if you’re pregnant, though. I’m definitely not going to have this done. I might have considered the ultrasound if it didn’t take 30-60 minutes, but no thanks. As long as I’m not having any problems, I’m not interested.

Didn’t work on my story yesterday, so back on with that tonight.

SATURDAY, APRIL 11, 2020
The fucking trash and recycle trucks woke me up, not surprisingly. It isn’t just the insanely loud engines but the way the arms that stick off the trucks to pick the bins up slam them back down on the ground really hard that’s so loud. Oh, to return to the days of trash pickup not interfering with my sleep!

Reading the science behind low-carb diets is pretty interesting. They’re definitely easier than a low-calorie diet. Like any diet, though, my body will only let off a few pounds but it’s so much easier to low-carb those few extra pounds off than to damn near starve myself!

A part of me is still tempted to go on a strict low-carb diet for 6 weeks because I’m curious to see what happens, but since I’m virtually certain that I know what would happen, I don’t want to deprive myself of some no-no’s along the way even though 6 weeks wouldn’t be forever. I’ll think about it, though. Maybe I’ll start on April 15th and do it until June.

For years now I’ve had no desire to be young and skinny again even though I do miss my good vision. But if I could be young and skinny for just an hour a day in order to cam some extra money, why not? Doing it in the privacy of your own home has got to be safer than dancing in the clubs I once danced in.

But then as soon as I was done for the day, I would jump back into my older, bigger body. Life has been easier for me in general the older and bigger I’ve gotten because no one bothers me. When I was young and skinny, I got hit on and pestered quite a bit but then I guess most young women do. Maybe it wouldn’t have been so annoying had men been my regular cup of tea. But yeah, give me my young, 100-lb body back for an hour each day and I’ll gladly use it to cam some extra dough and then jump back into the me of today. :-)

My GYN and her staff really are a bunch of fucking idiots. It’s gotten to the point where it’s gone from frustrating to downright laughable. I already decided that risky or not, I will never let myself have PAPs or the boob squeeze, and Tom’s fine with that decision as well. Life is about taking chances. I want to enjoy the 20-something years I have left. Not have objects stuck up my body that doesn’t exactly tickle or my titties thrown in a vise. I won’t even get into the ass cams!

When I got up, I checked for messages and when I saw I had a voice message, my first thought was that it was Dixie. Then I found it was from Dr. G’s office and that she wanted to see me next week. At first, I thought it was an old message I was sure I had deleted but didn’t. Then I saw that it was from yesterday morning and I was like, you gotta be fucking kidding me! This is a joke, right? But nope, no joke. She really wants to see me next week and the woman said to call to schedule me.

Either the GYN is really worried about me to the point that she thinks I’m going to die or her staff is really getting their wires crossed and their messages mixed up or they’re actually trying to go out of their way to annoy me.

Anyway, I’m probably just going to ignore messages from that office from now on. I know I’m all right, and I don’t see the point in risking getting the virus for nothing. Furthermore, even if there wasn’t a virus going on, I’m not going to have my uterus cut with me wide awake. I can barely stand regular PAPs that’s how much I hate doctors messing with my lady parts, and I’m not eager to have my tits squashed either.

That mystery lump in my neck sometimes worries me more than anything else. It seems to come and go and I have no idea what it is but I know that that too, can’t be serious. It would have killed me by now as long as I’ve had it. Because of the way it comes and goes I’m thinking it’s a lymph node that sometimes gets swollen since I can’t believe nodules would come and go. Tom thinks it could be some kind of weird muscle or tendon. I hope that’s all it is!

My ear has been continuing to annoy me and I really hope he’s right when he says I just need it cleaned because I still feel like there’s something more going on besides just needing to be cleaned and TMJ. Most of the pain is centered around the ear which makes me think I’ve got nerve damage from the surgeries I’ve had. Or nodules growing on the ends of the nerves. This takes time to build up so it would explain why this problem took ten years after surgery to start. So it’s been bothering me for 15 years now, and if I have another 20-something years left to live, that means this is likely to end up being a problem for about half of my life. Could also still be something wrong with the tube connecting the ear and throat. As I’ve learned, even the best doctors don’t always know it all and you can’t always count on them to help you as much as you need them to.

This may sound funny but sometimes I wish I had family nearby almost as much as I’m glad I don’t. I just kind of miss the security of having family be it on my side or his side within driving distance, especially in case of an emergency, but there was so much more negative to having them local than anything else. His family gave up on us in the end and ceased to give a shit and what’s left of mine are nothing but mean, selfish, stupid, vindictive assholes. So while the thought of a caring family and a close friend living locally may be a comforting thought, it really is just a fantasy.

This should be it. We should be well on our way toward summer. :) I removed the blanket. During the colder months, there’s the cover sheet, a fleece blanket and then a quilt. I yanked the blanket off today. We shouldn’t need much heat until November. I’m not even going to put it on tonight.

Ugh, we’re officially back to the late-night motorcycle visiting at times. Figured we would be anytime now. So now I have to keep both sound machines on even when I sleep at night until it gets cold again.

I was reading an entry Kim did on lying. I guess someone she works with lied about being on Facebook. I asked Aly if she has or would dump a friend for lying. She said it depended on whether the lie affected her or their friendship.

But lies do affect us and our friendships. I get that we all have our different opinions on liars. Sometimes I wish I could simply shrug the lies I’m occasionally told off and accept the fact that hey, people lie. Liars are everywhere. I’m not always even a hundred percent honest myself even though I do try my best to be.

Well, to each their own but I still find that hard to do because it isn’t just the lies that can hurt or anger a person but there’s an after-effect of lying as well. I’m not sure people realize or think of this beforehand. When you lie to someone, you not only hurt and anger them when they catch you in the lie, but then they can’t trust you in the future. Is that what people want?

I think people should stop and think about the long-term effects and not just the immediate effects of lying. I don’t always want to be questioning people and wondering if they’re telling me the truth or not, but the more you lie and the bigger the lies get, that’s exactly what happens. It’s only human nature. I wouldn’t just have a hard time believing things they told me in the future, but I would hesitate to open up to them about personal things as well. I wish that instead, I could be one of those who wasn’t affected by people’s dishonesty but unfortunately, I’m not one of them.

FRIDAY, APRIL 10, 2020
Crashed a little earlier last night, even with a second cup of coffee at the end of my day and slept forever. Like 10 hours or maybe a little more. I still didn’t beat yesterday’s wake-up time by much. I don’t know why I’ve been sleeping so long but it doesn’t seem to hurt me, so I’m not worried. I can’t remember my dreams even though I know I had several.

Tomorrow I’m not going to get much sleep because it’s trash day. :( In a year from now, I will hopefully never have to worry about trash day interfering with my sleep. The island is still closed off but I know they’re going to go by the house to get to Blucher.

I went out walking today and again it was cloudy but nice. Just one small plane went by. It was low enough that I could see its wheels.

We transferred songs onto my phone from my computer and I’m using the music player I used on my old phone. I didn’t realize it would cost money to use a playlist on YouTube because as I left the house it would switch from Wi-Fi to data.

I got a 15-day skincare sampler called Reversol in the mail today. It’s quite a generous sample, too. It comes with a cleanser, moisturizer, and mask.

Low-carb diets really are amazing. In two days I lost the two pounds I had gained simply by returning to unprocessed and low-carb stuff. No hunger, no effort. WAY easier than going low-cal. Sometimes I think maybe I should really try to stick to it since it’s easier than a low-cal diet, and see if I really can lose more than a few pounds after doing it for a couple of months or so, but nope. This is my size/weight, and this is how it stays. :-) Seeing that there are so many women half my age wearing dress sizes in the 20s, I don’t think being a size 12 is really all that bad. Plus, I can always change my mind later on if I want to. Right now it’s just not a top priority of mine. Simply not gaining is enough for me at the moment.

We changed the pigs’ liners today. This is definitely the best setup we’ve had so far. It’s the easiest on us and the least smelly. I still wouldn’t have gotten them if I’d known we were going to move sooner than I thought, even though I’ll miss how they squeal excitedly when they hear me get up. As soon as I step out of the bedroom - Week! Week! Week! Week!

It was nice not to wake up to any messages from doctors’ offices today. I remembered another thing my GYN told me when I last saw her in person about the biopsy. She said something about filling or inserting something that enlarges the uterus. This was never brought up when I talked to them a couple of days ago. As I said, the entire story had pretty much changed. First they knock everybody out for this and then nope, they just go in there with you wide awake and cut a piece of your uterus. That would be like having teeth pulled without Novocaine!

I haven’t been as congested since I ran out of incense. Well, I didn’t exactly run out. I just ran out of the fragrances I like. I’ve been using the diffuser in the kitchen and the wax warmer in the bedroom. I just switched from First Winter Blizzard to Strawberries & Cream. Peach Blossom is going in the kitchen after I had Vintage Rose going.

Worked on my story a bit earlier and I don’t think this one is going to be as good The Landlord. But I’m going to finish it either way. I hate unfinished stories.

I finally decided to just come out and ask Aly who she was referring to when she tweeted about thinking of ghosting someone. The fact that she had the tweets public for a little while told me she wanted the person she was talking about to see them.

Well, she claims it was a real-life friend but she didn’t have to ghost them because after a week of not hearing from them, they proved not to care and she deleted them from her contacts. I’m not sure I buy it. Why couldn’t she have told me this from the get-go? And why would she have to think about ghosting someone who was apparently ghosting her first? Why would she have to do a better job of making herself harder to find if this person was ignoring her to begin with?

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 8, 2020
My schedule is still rolling faster and I’m still not sure why either. I mean, it’s no big deal as long as it never gets erratic which I don’t expect it to. If it was erratic, it would be much harder to calculate appointments. If this trend keeps up, I just may have to adjust the length of my day in the program. He’s still fine-tuning things but should have a copy in the Google Play store soon enough. Then my bestie can download it if she wants.

Can’t help but smile when I think of her because of how well she gets and accepts me. We agreed not to ghost Kim but just kind of pull back a bit from her, and definitely not tell her if she ever visits me because where Aly and I may have known each other for 12 years, they’ve known each other for 18. So why hurt her feelings needlessly?

Because Kim is bombarding me with so many voice messages that I can’t speed up or skim through in the way that I can with text, I may claim that I’m having audio issues so we can go back to texting. That way I can take in a lot more and quicker, even though she doesn’t text as much as she talks.

So it was me Aly was talking about ghosting on Twitter? Especially since she never denied it. Aly said she would never ghost Kim. Well, if it wasn’t me she was tweeting about ghosting, then who? She obviously wanted the person to see the tweets and she seemed to know that the person was aware of her Twitter account. So if it wasn’t me, I can’t help but wonder who the hell it was. Even though she said she wouldn’t end our friendship without talking to me first, I can’t help but think it was me and I doubt I’m just being paranoid. If I’m right, it sucks she doesn’t value our friendship as much as I do, but there’s nothing I can do about that.

I woke up to two messages from Dr. G’s office asking that I return their call. I was able to answer the third call. I swear I would drop that GYN like a hot potato if we were sticking around! She and her staff are just so fucking disorganized! I started really getting frustrated on the phone and then the nurse could see that the messages were from two days ago and apologized for the confusion. She was talking about the appointments as if they were still on and I told her, no, they’ve been canceled, and we already went through this by phone and over the portal. Again, the GYN is a nice lady but between failing to do a skin biopsy on me and then misdiagnosing me, as well as miscommunication amongst her staff more than once, she’s definitely not someone I could recommend. Others complained about that on Yelp as well.

Heard some hammering today but that’s just a regular Lakeview Village soundscape. It wasn’t at Dahl’s place, though. I’m guessing it was down by the island. I talked to a couple of guys working there as I was out on my walk. They’ve had it roped off which is probably part of why I’ve been sleeping so well since loud traffic can’t go by our house unless they’re coming or going to Blucher, a small street. Anyway, they are going to replace the pavers and make that area nice and smooth. Good. My bike will appreciate it instead of hitting all those loose and bumpy cobblestones with it.

As I told Tom, I told you so. I told you they’d be working in the road again before we left. This may be better than them jackhammering right outside our windows but still. And I still wouldn’t assume they won’t tear up the roads by our house or anywhere else either.

I think I’ve been sleeping so much better because I don’t have any immediate appointments, it has been quieter with the road blocked off and the virus going around, and he’s home all the time too. His being home all the time is something I have mixed emotions about. I still like some alone time and even though I could just go in the other room and shut the door, it’s not the same as when he’s either not home or asleep. I just like a little privacy at times, especially since I don’t type very much anymore and like to use my voice.

I wasn’t happy to learn that they’re going to do another parade on the 15th. They’re not only failing to socially distance themselves that way but being annoying to others instead.

They’re also going to do an Easter egg hunt but that wouldn’t cause them to socialize in any way. They said to color Easter eggs and put them in your window, and they’ll drive around and take a count or something like that. I’m not exactly sure how Easter egg hunts work since I grew up in a Jewish household, and I don’t really care, LOL.

Anyway, I enjoyed my walk. It was cloudy, so I didn’t have the sun in my eyes and the temperature was perfect. Went out in a sweatshirt when it was 60°. Walking around here is the only thing I’m going to miss. I’m also going to miss running around out there in the middle of the night in shorts and a tank but there are simply too many skunks here.

I created a music list for walking on YouTube. I’m tired of using my old phone because sometimes I forget to charge it and it doesn’t hold its charge for long.

Still feeling good and still back on full doses and full waiting time. I’d love to be able to go another seven weeks before I have to taper off my dose and waiting time, but I don’t expect to go that long again.

I’m glad we’ll know if Trump is going to be re-elected before we move because I don’t know that I’ll want to stay in the country if he does. If the Senate turns all-Republican, there goes both women’s and LGBT rights. Roe vs. Wade could be overturned as well as gay marriage banned and all kinds of other things. Well, even though these things wouldn’t affect us personally, that pretty much paves the way for things to happen that could affect us. What the hell country slips so far back into the dark ages like that? I’m not saying it will but it’s very possible if he gets re-elected. I still can’t believe no one’s tried to take a pop at him. I really can’t. Tom doesn’t think Roe vs. Wade will get overturned but who would have thought someone like Trump would have been elected in the first place?

I had a dream that the black bitch in Arizona dumped some old clothes of hers somewhere and I thought it was too bad that she was so much thinner than me because I really liked her style, the clothes were in good condition, and I would’ve taken them. In reality, I’d touch something of hers as quickly as I’d touch a tarantula covered in shit.

Then I dreamed that I suddenly remembered my parents’ number after not being able to remember it for so long and decided I would finally give them a call since they were likely getting worried.

In the last dream, I was in either a private school or some kind of jail. At least I think I was and that I was there against my will.

There were about four girls to a room and each room had its own locker for whatever. I kept a paper journal in one of them and one of the girls read some nasty things I wrote about one of the other girls. Something about her lips looking funny. So she ratted me out when we were all getting ready for bed. I was getting nervous because I was outnumbered. So I left the room as they flung insults at me and headed for the community bathroom.

In the doorway of the bathroom was a staff member or guard. I learned quickly that she was a lesbian because she was telling another student/prisoner about her girlfriend.

Then she turned to me and studied me and told me my “hills” were as hot as she was dangerous. Because most people are so anti-blunt and afraid to refer to something as what it is, I had to guess that “hills” was code for fat rolls.

TUESDAY, APRIL 7, 2020
The doctor finally quit pestering me. She wished me luck at the new place and encouraged me to get my Well Woman exams and all that and says she’s not 100% sure where she’s going. At first, I was thinking, but I didn’t even ask, and then it hit me that maybe she thinks we’re moving but staying in the area. I think they’re not allowed to say where they’re going because I know that a doctor can’t transfer from one medical group to another and take their patients with them. She was a nice lady. Just not always consistent and coordinated with her staff.

Well, hopefully I didn’t jinx myself by canceling because I swear I feel cramps at times. That can be a normal sign of aging, though, since the uterus lining tends to thin out just like skin does, so I’m not worried. The most important thing is that I’m not bleeding or having a discharge. I wasn’t kidding when I said I don’t think I could stand the testing and treatment and that I would be better off letting any female cancer just kill me, even though I still prefer to stay alive while he’s alive as long as I’m not suffering in any way.

I’ve been slacking off on going low-carb and I’m up a couple of pounds, so I’ll jump back on it. I may not care about losing weight, but I still care about gaining. When I’m somewhere in my 70s, I’ll quit caring about that too, LOL.

The sun (and planes) are out, so I’ll probably go for a walk today. Not going outside of the park for a week now that we got some stuff from Rite Aid, and we’re having groceries delivered.

Tom just read that there have been 20 Citrus Heights cases so far and one death.

How do Muslim women breathe? I was looking for videos on how they put their scarves on that cover their face except for their eyes but all I could find were videos on how they put scarves on with their entire face exposed. I managed to take my pink floral scarf and wrap it in a way that covered my nose and mouth and he made one from a piece of cloth and rubber bands to hook around his ears which he learned from a video. It just wasn’t always so easy to breathe.

Anyway, despite being totally against much of what many Muslim women stand for, they sure are gorgeous. I’ve always preferred dark over light, anyway. Dark eyes, dark hair and medium skin tones.

Mrs. Twenties was laughing as we drove by and she saw my little makeshift mask, haha. Again, I can’t help but think of and agree with how Dixie said this pandemic is straight out of a science fiction movie. They’re dropping like flies today but predicting this to be over by June. There may still be some deaths, but I hope they’re right just the same. Cali would be like New York had we not locked down as soon as we did.

Our eyes were exposed even though we had our glasses on, and that’s a risk if someone near you sneezes or coughs. Had anyone sneezed or coughed that close, I would have made damn sure it was the last time they ever sneezed or coughed at all, that’s how pissed I would have been. One dumbcock was getting on my nerves as it was by getting too close and I made sure he could hear me complain to Tom that it was kind of hard to social distance yourself when people kept walking right up to you. I swear most guys are so fucking dumb. They really are.

But not nearly as much as Kim is annoying the shit out of my buddy and I with her constant messages that are so long and rambling about the same old things over and over again. Does she really need to ask me 3 times a day what coffee flavor I last had? Most of what she rambles about has to do with the virus and June, the older woman she’s obsessed with. She even sent me a text she sent her complaining about her bugging her, and there was her full name too, which is why I’m careful what info I give Kim.

Sometimes I think I should ghost her, but I don’t know. Since her worst crime these days is just being a pest, I’m not sure what I’m going to do yet. It’s a little harder to ghost when a person is too fucked in the head to know any better. I don’t doubt that she has some awareness but it’s not like those who are sane. The termites may not be the brightest people on earth, but they knew damn well what they were doing when they chose to troll me just like I did when I used to be into trolling. It isn’t that Kim doesn’t know what she’s doing, but I don’t think people like her have the kind of control and rational thinking that most people have if that makes any sense.

I wouldn’t normally be friends with someone like her so I’m not sure what I’m going to do at this time. I still prefer to associate with those who are sane and stable. If you’re bipolar, you have emotional problems, or you have whatever the hell Kim has, there’s just way too much drama and toxicity when it comes to people like that. I’m not talking about the occasional anger, anxiety and depression we all get. I’m not perfect myself but I just can’t tolerate those that get ecstatic over virtually nothing in one breath and then batshit furious in the next over something they’ve either misconstrued or completely imagine. Or stupid idiots like Kim that just don’t get things no matter how you present something to them and no matter how many times you do it.

I’m undecided for now, as I said, on what I’m going to do about her. As I told my buddy, I’m not worried about her stalking me because she has no way of anonymously fucking with me. If she ever reached out to anyone I’m connected to on Facebook, then I’ll contact her sister. I’m not so sure she would do that now. I think she may bash me in stories and blogs somewhere, but I wouldn’t give a shit.

I wouldn’t block her if I did ghost her. I would simply ignore her. You can’t confront people like Kim and give any kind of a parting explanation without it backfiring. I learned that on Ask years ago.

Aly feels like she’s trying to bait her into a fight over the Coronavirus.

MONDAY, APRIL 6, 2020
Oh, those pesky doctors. I know they’re just doing their job, but they’re frustrating anyway. I received a message from my GYN’s office wanting me to come in this week for the procedure. They had a late afternoon appointment available on the 8th I could have made but then I said wait a minute. The “procedure?” I thought this was just for a regular PAP.

But not only does she want to do that and a mammogram, but she also wants to do an endometrial biopsy ASAP. This is the procedure my GYN had told me they put people to sleep for but then her nurse told me I wouldn’t be put to sleep at all. This isn’t the first time I’ve gotten mixed info from this doctor and her staff either. My GYN is a very nice lady and while she may mean well, I’m not interested in any lady exams right now. I totally believe without a doubt that I don’t have cancer. My hormones got a little wacky and triggered a period. That’s all that happened. I agree with Tom’s theory. He thinks it happened because I was low on thyroid.

Then I got a message on the portal from the nurse to the doctor and the doctor’s response. I replied saying I believed that since my thyroid medication makes me anxious at times and I have to taper off the dose periodically, it seems reasonable that it was just a hormone imbalance. Plus, the bleeding did stop a month ago.

The type of biopsy she’s talking about doing would be utterly excruciatingly. If what I had in the late 90s could be as painful as it was with them simply taking pictures, then I don’t see how I could stand to have my uterus cut, no matter how small the cut may be. A woman’s cervix and uterus are her most sensitive parts. You can’t mess with those and not cause pain. I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if childbirth had killed me, I’m such a wimp down there. Even if I did have cancer, I could never stand the treatment. I would literally be better off dead and just letting it kill me.

If the bleeding didn’t stop or I’d had no PMS beforehand, then I would think something was up. If I had been bleeding from cancer, the bleeding wouldn’t have stopped. Cancer doesn’t change its mind. But I not only feel confident I don’t have cancer and trust my intuition, I also don’t want to go there with the virus still going on and put myself at risk of getting sick unnecessarily.

She said something about some kind of ultrasound that measures the thickness of my lining or something like that but even that would be painful, and also unnecessary. This wouldn’t be totally free, and we are saving to move. Then there’s a part I can’t tell them and that’s that I know it’s not my time yet.

So I sarcastically joked about her sending me a gift card or taking me to Red Lobster and then maybe I would do it and this seemed to not so much make Tom paranoid but I could tell he didn’t like my being “weird.” I did regret it afterward, I will admit. Then he goes on to say that this isn’t going to stop us from moving but if I get that way with the park or neighbors, it will.

I don’t think so. People don’t have that much control over us. Maybe they once did but part of that was our fault for letting them. We’re smarter people now than we were in the past. And what is the park going to do? Tell us we can’t move because we’re too sarcastic or weird?

Thanks to Lawrence letting his trees grow like crazy in front of his place, it’s invited the woodpecker back to pick shit that blows across and onto our patio roof. Let me guess…we’re the only ones with this problem around here, right? And I’m the only one who got woken up last night by the horrible stench of whatever skunk let one rip close to the house, right? Ugh, it was totally gross. I can’t even go out walking at night anymore because it seems that each year there are more and more of them. I don’t understand why Animal Control isn’t doing anything to get rid of them. They need to start trapping and killing some of these bastards. I don’t give a shit how cute they may be or how much it would piss off the animal rights activists. A person’s right not to have to smell and breathe that shit in should matter more. I’m so fucking sick of this place. Just so, so sick of it. I hate it here for so many reasons!

We had more rain today but there were some clear patches. Clear enough for the planes to be annoying. Why the fuck is anyone traveling now, anyway?

After thinking about it and discussing it some more, yes, we’ll keep all our options open, but we’re much more likely to end up in Florida than anywhere else. Unless we see the perfect piece of land in the perfect location with the perfect house on it, I’m thinking we’ll end up in a Florida park. Yes, I still have my two main concerns…one being how the climate may affect us, and the other being how often storms may take out our power or at least wake me up. But I’m tired of being cold, I miss being closer to beaches, and it’s much more practical when you’re getting older. It’s just so much more convenient. We definitely won’t do big cities anymore, though.

I figure it’s got to be quieter than this if we get a place on a dead-end and out of a flight path. Once we’ve eliminated the planes and the traffic, then all I should have to deal with would be projects, and if there were fewer houses around us, then that’s fewer chances for projects, even though all it takes is one bad neighbor. Just one project junkie is all it takes to ruin the peace. But still, it’s got to be quieter and less of a threat to my sleep as long as the storms don’t make up for the traffic.

Kim has been driving Aly and me crazy lately. Because she’s home all the time with nothing better to do, she’s bombarding us with tons of long rambling, repetitious messages about the same old shit. Even June, this older woman she’s obsessed with, is getting fed up and I guess she told her to stop texting her. If I understood her correctly, she was texting the shit out of her when she was expecting a text from someone important.

I only remember a quick second of a dream I had where I was walking in back of a grocery store looking at cooked foods. I felt a little down but was determined to be as happy as possible as I moved away from the display case and continued on walking through the store.

SUNDAY, APRIL 5, 2020
After nearly spraining my wrist trying to move Suki, I can begin writing.

Yesterday I realized we had a few extra plastic totes that were empty. They’re way better than cardboard boxes when it comes to storing things and especially moving since they can’t get waterlogged, you can see through the clear ones to see what’s in them, and they’re much sturdier.

So I began gathering some collectibles. I figured it would not only give me less to dust for a while but if they were packed away for some time, I would get a chance to miss them a little before eventually unpacking them wherever we end up. Kind of brings a little newness back to them.

As I realized the beginning of the end had begun, a tear fell from my eye. And then another squeezed out. Ah, happy tears. :-)

So we’re going to get plastic totes little by little and I’ll start throwing in some non-essentials. The hardest things to pack are going to be my mini-statues. The angel that holds the crystal ball that normally goes outdoors in gardens is going to be a bit of a bitch because she’s so damn heavy. I can’t believe all the shit I’ve accumulated over the years but not all of it is going. Most of it but not all.

Normally I’m a stickler for helping out my own as I would rather help someone in my own backyard than some other country. But when it comes to the old dolls I’m not taking, a part of me wishes I could magically transport them to the poorest of kids in the poorest of countries that don’t have stores all over the place and things like Goodwill where they can get at least something every now and then. I mean, why not?

I have a couple of paper journals that I had gotten for writing on planes when traveling but since we didn’t travel nearly as much as we planned on when we first got here, I haven’t used them up. One of them I can’t find but the other I’m filling up and will leave it with the old books on the bookcase that were left here before we moved in. I’m sure if the next people go through it, they’ll love reading all about the shit I have to listen to most days here and then some!

We’ve had some thunderstorms today, and both today and yesterday have actually been pretty peaceful. Just a few loud vehicles.

We looked at some land listings available in New Mexico between Albuquerque and Santa Fe. Being from Arizona, he’s been there several times and likes those areas better than down by Las Cruces where Becky is. It’s really going to be a tough call between a Florida park and rural New Mexico. Yes, I would love to move to Florida and never be cold again, but we can’t know beforehand how that climate may affect our health. Or how often the storms may mess with my sleep. I’m too light of a sleeper for so much thunder. Also, I don’t know that we would be able to afford exactly what we wanted there, and the last thing I want to do is settle. We’re not rich, so of course we’re going to have to settle somewhat, but there’s settling and then there’s settling.

The pros to a Florida Park would be the weather, the fact that we would again be with older people, and it would be safer and more convenient.

The negatives are mostly that people just can’t shut up. I’ve learned that over the years. You don’t have to be a large Mexican family or a pack of welfare bums to drive me crazy. Even the single old white lady or man can be annoying, usually not by themselves but by those they hire to do projects for them. The point is that people make noise, and the closer you are to them and so many of them, the more you’re going to hear. Houses should never be noisier than apartments. Ever. Yet I’ve had some apartments that were actually quieter than this place even though that may have been centuries ago.

The pros of going rural would be that we could have more breathing space around us and more freedom. We could put in our own little above-ground pool if we wanted to since we wouldn’t be near the beach, and create walking and biking paths depending on the type of land and terrain.

We could get something brand-new. We would prefer to move into something that already has a dump on it so we would not only have a place to stay until we had our home built and hauled in if we didn’t build something ourselves (yes, we are looking at kits), but places with homes already on them tend to have water and electricity. I don’t want to start from scratch and get raw land as we did in Maricopa and Klamath.

Another positive is that we would own it outright with no payments other than property taxes. In a park, you still have space rent.

The negatives are that you can’t control what may happen on the adjoining properties, and there tends to be a lot of barking and loose dogs in rural places.

The biggest potential concern is the response time in an emergency. With him retired we would have the time to make the longer drives for regular doctor check-ups and things like that, but emergencies might be a problem.

It’s not quite as safe either. Not being in a gated community raises the potential for a home invasion.

The other negative is that we would be dealing with colder weather and possibly even some snow in the winter depending on where we went. We wouldn’t have such wild storms as we did in Maricopa during the monsoon season. Those storms were like, OMG! Deafening thunder like gunshots and lightning flickering on and off like a strobe light. Trying to sleep to that wasn’t easy because it was like someone flicking your light switch on and off constantly. It was definitely the kind of storm I thought only existed on TV.

I’ll never forget the night I casually walked up to the living room window and gazed out of it. I could see lights twinkling in the distance up to 40 miles away. I turned and looked away for a second and then when I looked back there was nothing. Just total blackness. I thought, uh-oh, here we go! Then… Boom! I felt and heard the wall of dust slam into the house and the storm was on. It was fun and exciting but also annoying, especially when we would lose power.

The next day the roads were flooded and water was running down the washes so fiercely that we had to shout to hear each other talk and then we saw something you rarely see in the desert… Green! It was very short-lived, though.

He was printing some 3D face masks using flexible plastic but had a hard time getting them small enough for my face, so I decided I would just use a scarf when out in public. We’re now making more of a point of not going out unless it’s absolutely necessary, and having groceries delivered as well. We may be healthy and we may have tough immune systems but I’m hearing more and more stories about younger, healthy people dying from it or at least getting seriously ill. These are people in their twenties, too. One of the saddest and scariest stories was of a couple in their 70s who were healthy and ended up dying within 6 minutes of each other. Even though my gut says it isn’t our time yet and I’m rarely wrong on these things, I don’t want to take any chances of adding our names to the statistics.

My schedule has been rolling a lot faster these days and getting to the dentist tomorrow would have been pretty tough had they not canceled since I wouldn’t have wanted to get up later than 7 and I slept until 9 today. My schedule tends to go faster when I sleep at night, though. But rolling faster is going to help me get to the ENT and GYN easier.

I let Fuzzy visit Blitz yesterday and he was so happy. It was so cute the way he was popcorning and he even let Fuzzy clean his head for a bit. Rats are clean freaks contrary to popular belief. I don’t think either of the pigs ever wanted to be alone but once Rockefeller became afraid of Blitz when he started turning the tables and bullying him back, he wanted to be alone. Blitz never wanted to be alone either but he’s too much of a bully except with Fuzzy. I don’t know why he started bullying Rockefeller, but I can only guess it’s like a woman who gets fed up with an abusive man who finally snaps and fights back. Rockefeller used to bully him when they were babies and one day he just decided it was time to give him a taste of his own medicine.

It’s fun for both of them to visit each other but they can’t live together because Fuzzy wouldn’t always give him the peace he’d want when trying to sleep and he would try to hide all the food, too. But quick daily visits are good because then Blitz gets some company and Fuzzy can be the little scavenger that he is.

Last night I had a dream I was in a hotel room by myself. It was very small and had a bunk bed instead of a regular bed. I was sleeping on the top. I knew the housekeeper was coming around soon even though it was late at night. I decided to go for a walk first on the indoor track the hotel had with marble floors.

When I got back, I found the housekeeper’s cart sitting in the hall but no housekeeper. I helped myself to clean sheets and stuffed the old ones on the cart.

I really liked some of the chalet models with lofts when looking at home kits. I wouldn’t mind having two floors. It would be fun and great exercise running up and down the stairs.

Anyway, when I break the positives and negatives down into lists as I have below, you would think Florida would be the better deal for us, and it very well might be if we could find the ideal place and it turned out that the climate wouldn’t be an issue for us health-wise and I wouldn’t sleep worse with all the thunderstorms they have. There simply isn’t any way to know for sure without actually experiencing it. But then some of these things are more important than others like how I may be willing to put up with winters similar to what we have here and maybe even a dusting of snow to get some peace and quiet after years of living in a zoo. Several feet of snow, though? No fucking way! On the other hand, although we could never afford to live on the island my parents lived on (Nettles Island), I would take all the noise in the world to live there.

Florida positives:
Safer from potential home invasions
Better weather
Shorter drive to doctors and stores
Less response time in an emergency
Neighbors around if we needed help with anything like a ride if our car broke down
Beaches

Florida negatives:
Humidity and possibly more allergy/asthma problems
Noisier
Space rent
Could be woken up by storms/hurricane risk

New Mexico positives:
Own it outright
Brand new custom home
More freedom (pools, etc.)
Quieter

New Mexico negatives:
Not as safe
Not good for emergencies
Could get trouble from adjacent properties
Colder winters
Longer drives to stores and doctors

SATURDAY, APRIL 4, 2020
Xfinity was showing Lifetime movies for free until the 9th which I was psyched to learn since I love Lifetime movies. But then they fucking removed one before I could finish it. I found it on YouTube and even though it was shitty quality and choppy with a few seconds here and there missing and the very end edited out, I was able to watch the rest of it there.

For just $3.99 a month, we signed up for Lifetime Movie Club. If I like it as much as I think I will, we’ll get a year for $40.

Again we’re having cold, rainy weather which is unusual for this time of year. At least it saves money on the AC and is better for sleeping.

I feel like I could be on the verge of having one of those infamous autoimmune flares, even though I don’t feel anxious. I just feel overly wound up, so I’ll cut my waiting time on my meds tomorrow morning rather than cut the dose.

I had a dream I had a backpack sitting in the kitchen and it started smoking like it was about to catch fire.

FRIDAY, APRIL 3, 2020
Went out walking at 7 a.m. but was only out for 10 minutes because it was just so damn cold. They said it was 43 degrees, but it felt like 30. I’m not walking anymore unless it’s over 55 degrees! It’s like we’re stuck in this endless winter. The afternoons are okay but it’s cold the rest of the time, and we have another round of rain coming too.

Later we ran out to Rite Aid. It was weird seeing people in masks and the manager announcing reminders about social distancing.

For a largely Democratic state, there sure are a lot of Trump supporters around based on their flags and shit like that.

My heart went into A-Fib again as I was falling asleep yesterday. It only lasted for about three seconds, but I still hate it when it does that and I hope there never comes a point where it’s doing it more often and even in my sleep.

I’m still perfecting my journals a month at a time whenever I can to make them more readable in case I schedule them to publish after I’m gone. I kind of like the idea of helping future historians to see how people lived during these times, even though I still doubt people will exist beyond another hundred or two hundred years from now. If they do, my journals will make no sense in another twenty thousand years or so as new languages evolve and old ones die off. I’m sure there will be some people that can figure them out like there are still some people who can read Old English.

My schedule has been rolling a little faster lately and we’re thinking it’s because I’m not so low on thyroid. It seems like low thyroid really does slow everything down, including my schedule. Lately, it’s averaging closer to an hour and a half a day rather than an hour and 15 minutes but this is just an average. Not a daily thing. It only jumped an hour today.

Sometimes I wonder…what if I had given in to Andy? What if I had simply given in to the things he insisted were true no matter how much they really weren’t and said I’d done the things he’d pressure and sometimes cruelly tease me about doing? Yeah, what if I’d told him that no, I didn’t really have a sleep disorder and that I’d gotten a job - maybe cleaning people’s houses - and magically conquered my driving phobia, too. What if I’d just kept the peace by going along with him and therefore keeping him off my ass? Would I have been any happier having him in my life? I’m guessing not. I’d feel horrible for lying and knowing I was being untrue to both him and me. Plus, he would only keep up with the arrogance and negativity and continue to be judgmental and pushy. Eventually, it would have gotten hard for me to keep up with all the lies I had to tell him just to please him and keep him off my ass. Yeah, we had some fun moments but what kind of friendship did we really have otherwise? He eventually came to see the error of some of his ways to a degree but for the most part, he was never gonna change, I was never good enough for him and therefore he wasn’t good enough for me.

A little while ago, I had my air cleaner turned on high in my office so it would drown out some outside noise. Then I heard these weird sounds that I thought were coming from Tom. I thought he was playing some game or watching a show. When I stepped out of my room, though, I found him getting dressed and asked where he was going. He said he was going out to see what all the Hawking was about. I told him I thought it was him, but it was definitely coming from outside. So we go outside to find a parade of golf carts and cars going around the circle as if it’s July 4th when they do their regular parades. Some of the people wore masks. I guess these old folks are getting really tired of being under house arrest!

Tom was glad when they finally left because it was hurting his bad ear as loud sounds do. I haven’t heard any sawing and hammering today, but the planes were annoying as fuck this morning, and we definitely had some loud traffic. There’s always something going on here.

Found that Doc A is friends with Doc G. I’m not surprised. I saw an interesting picture of G feeding a bottle of milk to a full-grown tiger. Even though the tiger had a chain around its neck, that really takes guts since they can turn on you at any time. She looked so much younger and thinner in the picture. In fact, she really didn’t even look fat at all.

Looks like she’s with a Hispanic guy and has a kid now that’s about a year old named Mateo.

THURSDAY, APRIL 2, 2020
Watching the Alex Cooper story on Hulu makes me dislike Mormons even more than I already do. Yeah, folks, hate breeds hate and I make no apologies for the ill feelings I have for them. Some people really do make their own haters by their own shitty, hateful, cruel, twisted and unfair behavior.

Damn the person that invented religion! It’s done a hell of a lot more harm than good because so many use it as a weapon to judge, criticize and condemn others. Why the hell do you have to condemn those who are different just because you have a particular way in mind you like to live by that works for you? I’m disgusted, ashamed and appalled by the way so many Mormons and their sick churches treat those who are different. Stop playing the God that likely doesn’t even exist!

I’m also coming to hate living with older people because all they do is drive me crazy. If it isn’t them doing something loud, annoying and distracting, they’re hiring people to do it for them or using younger family members like what I’m guessing is the son or grandson of Dahl. Yeah, again with the fucking hammers and saws, though I think the hammers were contributed by the “leaker” house. The house with the leaky roof that we looked at before this place and decided it would cost too much to fix up. Really, I’m sick of this shit. Just so, SO fucking sick of it! Every other place I’ve lived in I heard projects a few times a year. Here it’s more than a few times a month and it’s ridiculous. No one in an adult community should have to worry that when they have their video appointment with their doctor in a few hours, the background may be filled with annoying and distracting saws and hammers and who knows what else.

This is where I sometimes wonder if there’s a noise curse on me. I think most things are just happenstance or because of someone’s actions. But when I see a pattern, those are the things that make me wonder.

Welfare bums blasting music, screaming kids and barking in Phoenix. Sonic booms and barking in Maricopa. Mutts and boom stereos in Klamath. Jesse’s projects and mutts in Auburn. Projects, landscaping, planes and traffic here. Who the hell gets all this shit??? In houses.

So naturally, my first thought is how utterly appealing being right smack-dab in the middle of a 40-acre parcel of land in the middle of the desert would be. But then I would just have to deal with sonic booms and if I didn’t, we’d have to go back to relying on wells which are always a problem, and goodbye high-speed internet too. We also wouldn’t be able to get help right away in the event of an emergency. We’re healthy right now, but if one of us has a heart attack 20 years from now, I don’t want to have to wait nearly an hour for help when every minute counts. I guess this means that since I’ve been trying to escape noise unsuccessfully for most of my adult life, I might as well quit bothering to try. I think the best we can do is get out of a flight path and off a busy street. Otherwise, there’s always going to be some shit no matter where we go. But if I can get the nights and early mornings back, I’ll settle for that much and just deal with projects, vehicles, barking and whatnot during the daytime. Therefore, we’ll just focus on climate, costs and the house itself when it comes time to hunt for a place, and not worry too much about what’s around it as long as it’s on a quieter street and out of the flight path. It’s 5am now and I can hear the freeway. In another half-hour, the planes will hit the scene.

The fact that there has been so much sawing since the bastard moved in across the street makes me think it can’t all be necessary. They would practically be having to tear it all down and rebuild it from scratch to be needing to cut this much wood. This is why I’m starting to suspect the son does this as a hobby and is using his carport because he’s probably not allowed to do this shit wherever he lives. As I’ve always said, it isn’t so much the residents that are the issue here but their visitors. I’ve never lived in another adult community, so I have nothing to compare it to. I can’t say if this is the new norm for most adult communities, something about this state, or this particular park.

In other news, I finished my book at almost 10K words in 11 days. Decided not to publish it by itself. Instead, I’m going to publish a collection of short stories, but it will be a while before I do that.

Almost a million COVIDs. :( Last I heard they were projecting possibly half a million deaths worldwide by the time this is finally over. That number may be scary in itself but I’m still not worried for us personally when you consider that it isn’t much in comparison to the global population. I still say the odds are in our favor and even if we did get it, it wouldn’t likely be an automatic death sentence.

Norma reacted to one of my posts but I’m guessing that might be because I reacted to a few of hers. In all honesty, I did it to test her. I was curious to see if there would be anything in return. I still don’t hear much from her and I think I can guess why, though I’m okay with it.

Later…

I know I went on quite a rant about bigoted Mormons in light of that movie I saw based on a true story, and I should point out that yes, I know not all Mormons are haters.

It got my mind wandering all different places, though. First, you have people like me who believe that love is love and that if there is a God, he doesn’t hate you for being attracted to the same sex. Then there are those who believe He hates gays and is going to condemn them to hell and alienate them in the afterlife.

I realize that none of us can ever really know the truth. You can believe something, but you can’t know it for a fact without actually seeing it. I totally hate to think of the possibility that others could be right, and I realize that there’s just as much of a possibility of that as there is of me being right. I doubt there’s a God, an afterlife, or anything that hates gays but when you consider that they’re the most discriminated group in history, it does make you wonder. Why would you create a group you knew was going to have to endure so much shit? For one who’s been attracted to both genders, it makes me think about all the shit I’ve gone through in my life. We all go through shit in life but not everyone has a mother as I had, ends up a ward of the state, and I could go on and on with all kinds of other things that seem a bit extreme and not all that common but I won’t. The point is that you can hope something is a certain way but you can never know for sure until you’re actually dead for good unless dead really is just dead.

Had my video appointment with Dr. A. She warned me on the portal that she might be 15 minutes late, but she was a half-hour late. It was different and definitely easier this way.

She called in my refills and confirmed that no, I don’t have polycythemia. I didn’t think so. She said she didn’t see it in my records and said some other term for those with slightly elevated red blood cell counts as I have. I doubt I’ll ever have polycythemia.

So I told her he was laid off and we had a change of insurance and wasn’t sure what was going on with us, and then I made the mistake of telling her that I had a period after 15 months. She said that’s not unheard of but that I shouldn’t have had a period after 12 months and highly recommends I see my GYN in case it’s cancer or some kind of hormonal imbalance. My gut says no cancer. If I hadn’t had PMS symptoms beforehand then I might have worried, but hormonal imbalance? Well, we know my hormones have been crazy for a few years so that one I could buy.

She said my GYN is leaving July 1st and at that point, it came up that we would probably be leaving the state in a year. What was that expression I saw on her face when I told her that? Wish I had the video saved somehow so I could replay it. I’m not sure if it was surprise, disappointment or what but there was definitely some kind of reaction. I didn’t expect that since I’m sure all doctors have patients coming and going throughout their careers.

Anyway, a part of me is sorry I mentioned the period because I not only hate lady exams but the last thing I want is another appointment. And then I fucked up with the schedule program when her nurse called practically 2 minutes after our video chat to schedule me for my next appointment with Doc A in October and the GYN. My schedule has been jumping a little faster lately for some reason and I accidentally set the program to p.m. when it should have been a.m. We’re going to leave it for now rather than call back to reschedule because I plan to try to push it to make my ENT 20 days beforehand. So if I can push it for that I might be able to make the GYN as well. The ENT is on June 10th and the GYN is on the 30th, Dr. G’s last day.

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 1, 2020
Damn, am I embarrassed for myself when I read back in the 90s on how much I had to fight and beg Tom for sex! Yes, I do believe he had a genuine problem, and no, I don’t believe he was deliberately playing with my head or teasing me even though it felt that way at the time, but still. It’s kind of humiliating and embarrassing to remember those days since it’s just not something a woman normally goes through with a man. It’s almost always the other way around. He still put his own reluctance to deal with it be it due to embarrassment or a lack of desire to have a kid above my emotions, but I think that’s the only thing he’s ever done that with, and it did work out in the end. Just a shitty thing to have to go through and definitely embarrassing.

Not surprisingly, the dentist’s office called yesterday to cancel my appointment. They’re not seeing anyone other than for emergencies until May at which time someone will get ahold of me to reschedule me.

Got my first CN chapter done and the story is going to be a combination of the dream I had and my imagination working together. I might change the title and the book cover. I decided to have a fictitious character get hired as a nanny to a 6-year-old girl. This will be set in the luxury high-rise apartment I saw in my dream that my ENT owned. She won’t realize it’s a patient of hers that her mother hired until after the fact and will decide to keep the patient as a nanny and have her get a new ENT. One of the neighbors will be based on a real-life Lebanese actress. “Renee” and this character can do all kinds of things together behind the doctor’s back.

I’m also nearing the end of my story with the crazy landlord.

Yesterday wasn’t too peaceful with lots of landscaping. Overall, the traffic and planes are much quieter than usual which is the only good in this pandemic. I guess they’re projecting the same number of people to die in the US that died in the 2004 tsunami.

I take that back. The planes are more noticeable today. But why?

What is it with all the pig dreams lately? I had a dream I was out walking somewhere. I just started jogging around a street corner when I heard a police car squawk at me. I wasn’t sure if I should stop or keep running. I knew I was to meet Tom who was heading toward me from the opposite direction and was hoping he would get to me fast in case the cops wanted to mess with me for some reason.

Then I had some dream that I was working in some building that had closed. It was early evening and the sun had just set. I found a child sleeping under a piece of furniture and then called Tom to pick me up, but he never answered.

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Last updated May 29, 2024