May 2020 in 2020-2024

SUNDAY, MAY 31, 2020
Congratulations, assholes. You’ve made some of us look down on you even more. Keep on hurting innocent people while you are (understandably) angry at those who screw you over. You know, because AutoZone and Target and other people and businesses have everything to do with some pig possibly smothering someone to death. You’re just as bad as the pigs and so are those of other ethnicities helping you spearhead your violent little hissy fits. You live in a country where you now have more rights than whites and 95% of the country favors or at least supports you, so the next time you whine about the few left with ill feelings toward you, maybe you’ll finally wake up and realize why.

Meanwhile, go on. Keep living up to those labels at innocent people’s expense. Deepen the animosity a few of us have toward you, then bitch about racism and swear you don’t give a shit what others think all in the same breath. Keep playing the race card unfairly when you know damn well that in most of the country, you’ll automatically be believed, and take your frustrations out on innocent people when you actually do get screwed over. Keep making your own haters based on not where you’re from or your damn skin color but your appalling behavior.

Hate to say it but if it wasn’t for my buddy’s BF who I’m sure would never stoop so low, I’d wonder if going back to the days of segregation may not be such a bad idea. Part of me wishes whites would finally get fed up with their shit and return the violence but I know that adding violence to violence isn’t the answer. Plus, most whites stand by them anyway.

The media needs to start giving as much attention to whites that are brutalized and screwed over by the law as they do others. Maybe it will then sink in that it’s about the abuse of power and not aimed at any particular group. Sure there are a few that don’t care for blacks when they see how much crime they’re involved in, but I think that’s a very small number. I think most cops just like to abuse people much like an abusive lover. Makes them feel powerful and in control.

Well, just like I’m not ashamed to say which foods, music or colors I don’t like, I’m not afraid to admit what people I don’t like just because most people don’t want to hear it. No one’s totally indiscriminate and I’m not about to pretend I’m any different.

What’s with the People You May Know on Facebook that I don’t have any mutual friends with? How do they end up being recommended to me?

Been having some fatigue early in my day and I’m not sure why. Figured out why my weight is down a little, though. I no longer snack on nuts between meals. So while I’m not at the 800 calories or so it would take to lose weight, it deducts enough calories to keep me at the lowest my body feels comfortable weighing these days. A little fat won’t kill me and that’s another thing… I still don’t get why so many people are against that particular F-word. Referring to myself as fat isn’t being “mean,” it’s being honest. I just don’t see the point in dressing things up in fancy labels. Wouldn’t that be a form of denial? I can see “overweight” or “obese,” but “curvy?” IDK, it just seems like that’s really avoiding what those “curves” really are…fat rolls. Nonetheless, the reality is that I’m okay with both the word and myself. I’m not mean to myself. I’m not ashamed of myself. I’m not disgusted with my body. And I’m neither proud nor unproud. I have a typical middle-aged body and that’s fine.

Anyway, I may have no desire to diet but I think Walmart wants to clog my arteries, LOL. Got up around 1 p.m. and Tom had already been up for 6-7 hours and put the groceries away when they were delivered. I opened the fridge to get creamer for my coffee and that’s when I noticed the carton of 18 eggs. I didn’t order those, I told him, and he said he thought it was weird that I would get so many. Exactly. I don’t have any kind of a death wish. He checked the order and it turns out that it’s just another freebie from them. They didn’t charge us for them.

Today marks 8 weeks of taking my medication consistently and without cutting pills.

Tom and I were talking about more ideas for moving and it may actually be cheaper to buy a cheap dump than to rent depending on the space rent and all that. Figured we’d start off in a park so I could compare it to this one and see how similar or different it may be. This would just be for climate testing. Then we would sell it and get a different place in either a park or rural setting if we didn’t leave the state altogether.

There are many areas with tons and tons of parks, hardly any crime, and over 90% white. I still say there’s a noise curse on me and there has been for decades and we’re going to happen to end up next to the wrong people or close enough to them. For the most part, I’ve learned that it isn’t the residents themselves that are annoying but their visitors and workers. The only thing I would worry about with an older park with older homes would be even more sawing and hammering. Here, it’s mostly because people can afford to do so many projects.

I just wish Aly could live near us! Her parents aren’t doing well now but if they get well enough to move to Florida like she said they want to, it certainly wouldn’t hurt my feelings if she followed. :-) But I know it also depends on her job, Cam, and whatever else on top of whether or not she would actually want to live there.

We also talked about possible trips we may take. We still want to go on a helicopter ride and would love to snorkel again. I wouldn’t mind trying scuba diving. Don’t know if I would be brave enough for parasailing or anything like that. Maybe the kind where you’re attached to a boat and above water. Maybe we could take a small plane and go island hopping down around the Caribbean or maybe even further south. Some excursions may be tough because of our weight. I’m fat and he’s really fat so…

I don’t know that we could afford to sweep Europe but it would be cool to fly to Wales and see Mitch, then Amsterdam to see Adonis, shoot over to Germany to see Christiane who would no doubt tell Nane (LMAO!), drop down to Austria to see Irene, then maybe sweep on through Italy, Portugal and Spain before flying back. Greece would be nice to visit, too. There are some beautiful areas there. No way I would go to Africa or the Middle East. If I won a safari or something that would be different.

I would still like to cruise on a small ship. Never again will we cruise on a ship with thousands of people!

I decided to delete my public book on PB. I just can’t get into public blogging anymore. Maybe once we get settled somewhere. I know that anyone could find our future address if they really want to but the less information that’s easily accessible by people that may sell or rent us a place or give him a job, the better it may be.

Here comes another helicopter. The commercial planes have been better but the helicopters still get annoying at times. Wouldn’t be surprised if I heard small planes circling around after midnight but we’ll see. Lately, the most annoying thing is traffic with things opening up again.

Since Tom loves technology and gadgets, we have both arm and wrist blood pressure cuffs. To get me used to the blood pressure cuff they’re going to put on my arm during the root canal, we had me use the arm cuff yesterday with my finger on the stop button. It gets pretty damn tight, but I managed to get through it without panicking or hitting the stop button.

My tooth is the best it’s been since it got infected because the root is no doubt dead now. It’s not even throbbing at the end of the day like it used to. No longer having pain in the lymph nodes on the side of my boob either and I haven’t felt the one in my groin. But I am noticing my neck again.

I haven’t been remembering much in the way of dreams lately. Something about trying to decide if I wanted to purchase this small mirror that had a pretty decorative frame in mint green, another favorite color of mine along with pink and lavender. I was living somewhere with multiple stories since I was thinking about putting it in a spot where I would see at least my legs as I was coming down the stairs. The house I had in mind and pictured in my dream looked similar to my first childhood home. I was thinking about putting the mirror in the small space between the window and the corner of the room by where Dad’s chair was.

Later…

Decided it wouldn’t hurt to compromise with myself and share some things publicly on PB. Then, after people have a little time to see it, I can FO it.

Next thing I know I’m being asked to either take down or make private my last post, and no, I’m not going to do it simply because some people don’t want to hear it and don’t agree with it. I DO NOT support violence as a means of obtaining justice. Never have, never will, and I don’t care what color you are either.

Meanwhile, I’m not going to sit here and babysit some people’s fragile feelings and stifle my freedom of expression because some may not take it well or get the wrong idea. No one can agree on everything 100% of the time. Also, no one’s obligated to read my stuff either. You don’t like it… move on.

If sharing my opinion on being anti-violence is “racist” and “threatening,” (God only knows how they came up with that last one) then so be it. I’m not going to share only what I think most people will agree with and want to read. I’m here to express myself. Not to seek approval. Besides, if one is that sensitive, then why are they reading people’s journals in the first place?

We went to Rite Aid to get some treats and I got some merlot. Rather than drink it every day and risk becoming addicted, I drink it every other week. This keeps it more special this way too.

Lentil chips are really good. I’m glad they’re back.

We went for a bike ride and it was a touch windy and humid with the cloud coverage out there. Sometimes it was sunny. My heart was pounding at 124 when we got back. Coming up the hill against the wind isn’t easy and my legs felt kind of weak and rubbery for a little while afterward.

Made mashed potatoes in the slow cooker for the first time and they came out great. I used cream along with milk.

So excited about our upcoming move even if it’s still a whole year away. Still no idea how we’re going to move either. Going by ground would be harder on me but definitely safer so we can avoid “goesh.” Yeah, me and my silly little nicknames for everything. When we would log on to the internet at the extended-stay hotel we were in when we first came down from Oregon, it would say “connected to goesh.” The “G” was for gateway and of course the “esh” was for extended-stay hotel but I’m not sure what the “O” was for. Online?

Anyway, we were stuck there from August of 2007 until the following April as it pretty much sucked every last dime out of us. If I hadn’t won that 9k, we’d never have gotten out of there!

Nothing exciting in the way of dreams other than me scrubbing an old clawfoot tub that was stained and filthy.

FRIDAY, MAY 29, 2020
Here we go again with black people rioting. If it really is true that a pig suffocated a suspect to death, that’s absolutely horrible, and unacceptable, and the pig should be killed. But they’re just as appalling and disgusting with the way they’re taking their anger out on so many innocent people. Why not take it up with the police department that they’ve got the problem with and leave others out of it? Why do they have to burn, loot, and harm innocent people and businesses while they’re at it? How many times must the LA Riot scene repeat itself? I’ll never understand why they feel they have to take their frustrations out on everybody and anybody they can. This is only going to make them look bad. If you’re pissed at the bank teller, you don’t take it out on the butcher at the grocery store. If they don’t want labels stuck on them, then why do they do so many things to earn them? You can’t pull this shit and then turn around and complain about how unfair the world is to you. No way I’m going to deny the fact in the name of political correctness that I would never feel safe living in a black neighborhood. Some things and some people really never do change. It’s okay to get angry with those that screw you or someone else over. That’s only normal. But there is NO excuse for taking it out on others. Would all blacks do this? Absolutely not. But I have nothing but contempt for them as a whole. They’re no better than the pigs who, incidentally, kill just as many non-blacks. It’s just that those aren’t the cases the media wants to focus on.

I amazingly slept through trash pickup which has been occurring earlier and not being such a multi-hour production

Coming up on 6 million COVID cases but not quite half a million deaths. Tom still feels confident there will be a vaccine next year. And I still feel fairly confident that we won’t catch it. I’m more curious about what’s going on with my lymph nodes, particularly the one at the side of my breast that’s sore. If it doesn’t back off when my tooth is fixed, I’ll decide whether or not to get into Doc A sooner.

The antifungal nail polish will be here on the 5th and on the 3rd comes the portable AC. So our home’s AC has to be sure not to let us down for one more week! It won’t have voice commands, but it will have a remote.

Decided not to wait until we got settled which will be well over a year from now to get a new set of bras. I just got a six-pack of Fruit of the Loom sports bras. I went a little larger than I needed. Usually, 40-42 is enough but I ordered them in 44 so that while I wouldn’t get ideal support for things like jogging, I wouldn’t feel like I had anything too snug wrapped around me with swollen lymph nodes. The colors will be light blue, light gray and white. I prefer dark panties, but I like lighter bras that won’t show through lighter shirts and blouses.

Took the bikes out but only for five minutes because it was a little too warm for doing anything physical, and even a touch humid because it was cloudy.

The more we discuss getting a truck and trailer so we can bypass hotels and shipping containers, the more I like the idea. Still, nothing is etched in stone. But having to deal with him while I’m trying to sleep is enough, as I tease him about, as true as it is with me being such a light sleeper. I don’t need pesky maids and people slamming doors in hotels to add to it even if that would be roomier than a trailer. This time we would be doing it with a lot more money instead of a few grand or less and he wouldn’t have to scramble to get a job right away. Plus, we’d have incoming money.

I’m excited the more I think about it. I just hope nothing shits on our plans and prevents us from getting out of here! No health issues or anything.

Once we got to Florida, we would get a rental in another adult park so that we could compare it to this one and see if it was similar or not. We also need to test drive the climate, so to speak, and make sure I can handle the extreme humidity and that the storms won’t wake me up all the time. If we like the climate but not the park, we’ll check out land somewhere. If the whole state is a bust, then we might head for Texas. They should have some dry areas that aren’t too high in elevation. We need to stick with those blues and greens.

We wouldn’t sell the truck and trailer and get a new vehicle until we were certain of where we want to live. We’d likely take I-80 and then slowly descend downward and outward towards the Carolinas and then shoot down into Florida from there. This way we could stop and meet Aly and I could bring her the doll and the pigs. This is only if we really did end up moving this way.

Tom and I were discussing whether or not we wanted to do NaNo in July. He’s just not really a writer and I’m pretty much out of steam. I just don’t get many ideas I’m excited to actually put into print these days. But we may still do it so I can add to Roomies, my ongoing story written in journal format, and he can edit his story.

THURSDAY, MAY 28, 2020
I called my dentist to schedule the follow-up filling of the crown as well as my other fillings but was told that they want to wait until they get the report from the endodontist. She said it would arrive quickly because it’s digital.

New Mexico is definitely out of the question because I didn’t realize how high it was in elevation and as I learned up in Oregon, that makes my ear worse. We looked at a topographic map and found that areas in red and orange like Oregon and New Mexico are too high. We’ve got to stay in the blue and green areas.

Didn’t feel hot yesterday at all. It’s like that one degree made a huge difference. This is the last day of the heatwave and then we’re going to drop quite a bit. They’re even saying we might get some rain Saturday which is very unusual for this time of year but probably won’t actually happen.

Tom proposed another idea. That would be to get rid of most of our stuff and buy a truck and a small trailer. Then we would drive the main highway that cuts across the country, including cutting through Nebraska, visit Aly, then drive down to Florida. It would actually be a much easier route than if we went through Arizona, New Mexico and Texas to get there (not that we’d dare go through an inch of Arizona). This way we stay on the same road and it would be a much easier drive. If we didn’t have to store a container of stuff anywhere, the truck and trailer would give us the freedom to explore more places before making any definite plans. Not saying we’re going to do this but it’s another possibility to think about.

If we don’t fly, I would definitely like this idea better than taking a train. I think this would be easier for my sleep issues. When we moved to Oregon, he had no place to go when I was sleeping so his movements would often wake me up. But if we were sleeping at different times, he could hang out in the truck more. Sleeping at the same time may be a bit of an issue with his movements and snoring, but this way we would be able to test the waters when it came to both inland and coastal areas easier. Maybe we could even find a bare piece of land somewhere that will allow us to remain in the trailer until we get a house hauled in. All I know is I’m sick of listening to people’s shit and having a daily symphony of loud traffic, power tools, landscaping, planes and projects.

He could probably tolerate Florida because he did spend six weeks of basic training in San Antonio where it’s also humid and didn’t have any problems. I’m not really expecting any myself, to be honest, but you never do know. I didn’t know Simone would trigger my asthma, after all. If Florida doesn’t work out, there are dry places in Texas at lower elevations.

Haven’t done much public writing lately. It just doesn’t excite me much anymore to share with just anyone and everyone.

The money arrived yesterday and I’m going to treat myself to that antifungal base coat and polish and then we’re still gonna save, save and save all we can. Never know how long the money will last. They’re out of berry-colored nail polish so I’m getting light turquoise.

Anyway, working hard today! Lots of cleaning that I’ve neglected and doing some laundry. Cooking some chicken thighs with broccoli too.

WEDNESDAY, MAY 27, 2020
My bum tooth is holding steady and the lymph nodes in my neck and groin haven’t bothered me today, but I can feel the one at the side of my boob. Wish I could get the peace of mind of knowing it’s nothing serious without the torture! But I’m just not ready to get any serious testing done at this time. I’ll make a decision after my tooth is fixed if the lymph nodes don’t back off at that point.

Florida or New Mexico, Florida or New Mexico??? It’s a tough decision! Yesterday I was so hot all day that I started to think we may be better off forgetting planes and trains and just driving down to New Mexico since I don’t seem to be able to tolerate heat as well as I used to. Yet today I’m fine so far. I lowered the temperature in here from 78 to 77.

Tom brought up the idea of picking a place in Florida to ship our stuff to in a shipping container and taking a train to Nebraska which would take 37 hours. Then I could meet Aly and we could see what it was like there. Maybe even rent a place for a short time, and basically sample different places to possibly live in. I just know there’s no way I’d be happy in that harsh of a climate. Snow and extreme cold just aren’t my thing. Nor would I want to go back to the furnace Arizona was either.

I hate the not knowing! I wish I could know if the climate in Florida would get to either of us in any way. Would we be that uncomfortable every time we were outdoors? Would it mess with our breathing or allergies and anyway? Would storms wake me up a lot? But because of that damn container, we can’t just sample too many places, unless we got rid of nearly everything. Actually, though, Florida is the only place I wouldn’t mind sampling. I can’t imagine having any problems in the New Mexico desert since I survived an even harsher desert than the area we might consider.

I’d love to meet Aly, but the train doesn’t appeal to me very much due to being doubly cursed in the sleep department. When you can’t keep a schedule and you’re the lightest sleeper on earth, the faster you get settled, the better. So I’d rather fly across the country than train it, and it would be cheaper too. The trains have roomettes that have a bed and table, and rooms with bunk beds, tables and a bathroom. I just know I gotta get off the fucking street and out of a flight path! I was just falling asleep last evening when a fucking motorcycle woke me up. And oh, the projects! I’m so sick of hearing people’s shit all the time. Every fucking thing they do, I have to know about it.

I like the fact that Florida is stricter on loud vehicles than New Mexico but then with every other person having a motorcycle in Florida as they do here, that might make up for it.

My meds, age and weight could be why I don’t handle heat as well as I used to. Well, I can’t stop my meds, I’m not going to get any younger, and I’m not losing weight either. Or maybe it’s just not hot enough often enough to be used to it here, I don’t know. I remember it took me years to acclimate to Arizona and whenever the winters would come around, as short as they were, I would be so cold. I was freezing my ass off when we went to Oregon as well. So I still do handle heat better than cold, especially if it’s that cold.

The heat may be more comfortable than freezing my ass off, but warmer weather makes it harder for sleeping, working out, and doing things like that.

I miss the beaches, but I don’t like the humidity. If we got some land in New Mexico we could get our own pool and that would certainly be better than public pools with the potential for screaming brats in it. Whenever we wanted a vacation we could go to Hawaii or Mexico. It’s not like we could afford to live too close to the beach anyway or that we would go to the beach every single day if we did.

If we could find an ideal piece of land with an old piece of shit on it, we might be able to have a brand new place brought in, and then the old house could become a storeroom and a workshop for Tom. It would be better for outdoor walking and bike riding, too.

I’m still open to looking at everything when the time comes to seriously start hunting for a place, but fear of the unknown is definitely something to consider. Being evacuated due to Hurricanes could be a real bitch for me as well depending on where my schedule was at the time. But then I don’t think that would happen very often or for long, so I don’t know.

Tried the new Haagen-Dazs Spirits ice cream today. The one with rosé and cream. Yep, tastes like rosé.

TUESDAY, MAY 26, 2020
I have an hour before I have to leave for my consultation with the endodontist, so I’ll start this entry now but probably won’t post it until later on. I can then add what they say to this entry.

The lights are flickering again in parts of the house and again we don’t know why or what stopped it the last time.

Now that we’ve won the appeal, we’re waiting for the lawyer to take their cut and then send us the rest. Once we get our money, we decided to get a portable AC because I’m tired of stressing over the thought of the AC crapping out. ACs always have more problems than heaters. If we lost heat in the winter, we’ve got a small portable heater, and I could bundle up. Plus, it rarely freezes here. But we would be in trouble if the AC crapped out on us on a day like today that’s getting up to 102 degrees. Triple digits are good for a solar-heated pool but getting up to 90 is actually enough for me because then it keeps the house from getting too chilly in the early mornings. We won’t be back in the 90s for a few days, though.

So when we get our money, we’re going to get a portable AC that is also a heater for $400. It would be totally worth it to have as a backup and we could take it with us. We might actually save money with it because then we wouldn’t have to heat/cool the rooms we’re not in as often nearly as much.

I was a little surprised to feel slight cramps in my upper right tummy earlier and I really hope it’s just funky intestines and nothing involving my gallbladder and especially my liver. I definitely had plenty of fiber yesterday.

I’m both tired and nervous about this morning’s appointment since I don’t know these people and I don’t know how much pain I’m in for and how many appointments I’ll have to try to juggle around my schedule issues and all that. I just wish I could go over a year without one problem after another!

I was stressed over the house messing with my schedule that’s to be hauled out, but they already hauled out a piece of it and I didn’t even know it till I looked out the window and saw it gone.

I noticed there’s a slight discoloration that resembles a bruise at the base of my neck by the lymph node that’s been giving me problems, but I don’t know if there’s a connection or not. I’ve actually noticed this before, but the discoloration is a little more obvious now. Tom thinks it’s just a blood vessel. He has them too. Part of being older.

I’ve learned a lot over the years from Aly about different things from writing to people to life in general. In many ways, she is smarter and more mature than me even though she’s younger.

We were discussing how much lying bothers me and when she explained the reasons behind most of Kim’s lies and why she doesn’t feel it’s significant enough to throw away an otherwise long-term friendship, I could see exactly what she meant. It’s one thing to say I’m going to ghost Kim but then another when I consider the fact that the lies truly are petty and haven’t harmed me in any direct way. It’s still a bit bothersome but not the worst thing I’ve had to deal with from anyone. I realize no one’s perfect and I haven’t always been totally honest myself. I’ve come to see that if we’re looking for the perfect friend, well, they just don’t exist because no one’s perfect.

Aly isn’t always honest and open but still a great friend for many different reasons. She gets and accepts me as few others have and doesn’t judge me. She’s got a good memory, and she cares. I know nothing is guaranteed in life and that she could decide one day she no longer wants to be friends, but I hope we’ll be friends for the rest of my life.

Aly said, “If Kim ever did something to truly destroy my trust in her, I know her address, her home phone number, June’s number and address, where Kim works, where she goes to church, the business her sister owns or used to own and I’ve got plenty of ammunition to use against her to bring her down. There are a lot of things I notice and know about friends and family that I never bring up, but instead retain just in case.”

I asked her what she noticed or knows about me and while she told me of some dirt she has on a few others, she said, “But if I told you then I’d lose that power! ;) Realistically, though, you’re a very open book compared to some, so I really don’t have a whole lot of “dirt” on you compared to, say, Kim or Molly or my aunt Cathy.”

I’m definitely an open book with her. Still, it got me thinking and asking myself, what could anyone out there really use against me? When I say, “use against me,” I mean something that could bring noticeable physical, legal, or financial harm to my life. I honestly can’t think of anything because I don’t share sensitive info like credit card numbers and Social Security numbers in blogs, private or not. Plus, we always do regular checks to make sure our identities aren’t stolen and keep an eye on all bank accounts. I’m not a fugitive on the run, I’m not abusing the welfare system or the government in any way, and I’m pretty much boringly ordinary. Even if someone hacked into all my journals and stories and shared them with the world, oh well. It can be proven that it wasn’t me that shared them and even if I chose to do so right now on my own, there really isn’t anything in them that could get me in any form of legal trouble. It could embarrass and piss some people off, no doubt, but that would be the extent of it. I only choose to wait until I’m gone or close enough to it because then they literally have my entire life story and not just part of it.

Pretty sure that if anything could be done to me, the termites would have found what it was and would have gladly and happily done it. They’re very spiteful, vengeful people.

Her “dirt” is probably finding accounts of mine I don’t know she knows about. There is always a chance, I suppose, that with her hacking skills, she hacked into and read some private journals. Or maybe she knows about Tom, even though there’s nothing she could do with any info there. We’re not in Arizona. So what else could she do? Call the park or my doctors and tell them I threatened suicide or something? But that couldn’t be proven and could actually get her in a lot of trouble.

These days I prefer to simply get along with those I can get along with and avoid those I don’t. I don’t want to troll anyone needlessly or stir up any trouble, and I won’t allow myself to be baited into any shit either. No one’s worth having karma bite me on the ass unless they did something seriously detrimental to me. Nasty words and online pranks wouldn’t be enough to unleash any kind of a fight in me but unlike in the past, I would fight back if given no choice and provoked and pushed to the edge. Again, though, I really prefer to live in peace and get along with people. I can ignore those I don’t like and those that don’t like me.

Okay, I’m back from my appointment which went as well as can be expected. A white guy that’s from here (gay?) is going to do it so at least he doesn’t have any hard-to-understand accent.

Tom went into the building and located their office with me since it was a huge building and I was all wound up, but I went into the office alone. My temperature was perfect at 98.6.

I had to fill out the usual paperwork with some of the questions being COVID-related. The lady at the desk told me she and her husband had root canals done, and they’re no problem.

Then another lady took me into one of the exam rooms and put the scary blood pressure cuff on me. Those electric ones that squeeze you real hard that I hate. This is the first dentist that’s ever wanted to take my blood pressure. By the time it got too tight and I told her to remove it, it was done, and of course my BP was through the roof with my nerves.

I forgot to mention my swollen/sore lymph nodes but maybe it’s a good thing I didn’t because then they might think I’ve got the virus. My stomach pains are a little annoying. Perhaps the penicillin is responsible since it does kill good bacteria in your gut that you actually need.

So the doctor was very businesslike. Not to the point that he was cold or made me feel rushed in any way. He was just very professional and seemed confident, assuring me he does this sort of thing all day when I expressed my fears and told him of the incident with my medication and county clinic that put a complex on me.

Unfortunately, they don’t have nitrous oxide available now because of the virus and they don’t know when they’re going to have it again. Not exactly sure what the connection is but obviously there is one.

They took x-rays and confirmed it actually is the tooth in the very back. He reminded me that pulling it would still be an option and a much cheaper one even though that could call for future problems down the road should I have problems with any surrounding teeth. I would probably be able to chew okay without that tooth but he too, recommends a root canal.

He felt my gums, poked my gums, and did that pressure test. Then he used something that was really cold only this time it didn’t leave me in excruciating pain as the dentist did. He said that’s not just due to the penicillin I took but because most of the root is now dead. Then why bother removing the tooth if it’s dead? I asked him, and he said because I could still get infected. The root may be dying but the tissue surrounding it is not.

They keep the place cold as my old dentist did, so I now know to dress warmer. I don’t like the way my legs stick to the plastic on the chair anyway when I wear shorts or a dress. And yes, it will be just one more appointment, fortunately, and then I have up to 4 weeks to get into my dentist to fill the rest of it. I’m hoping she’ll do that and my cavities at the same time. If I don’t call her today, I’ll call her tomorrow to fill her in.

Anyway, the guy says that two days before the appointment, they’ll call in a bottle containing two Halcion pills. Apparently, it’s a kick-ass tranquilizer because they’re going to not only have an oxygen/HR thing on my finger in which she says not to wear nail polish, but also that scary blood pressure cuff.

The doctor said, “You won’t care what I’m doing.” I sure hope not because if I don’t care about him drilling and whatnot in my mouth, I’m not likely to care that my arm is having the shit squished out of it. I’ll just see if they can put it on the arm I didn’t break because the extra bone mass on the broken arm makes it a little more sensitive to pressure. His assistant said some people say they don’t even remember the procedure.

The entire thing, including today’s x-rays and medication and all that, is going to be $1,700. Thank God we won so much money!

Today he had to wait in the car and in the lobby, but they said he could sit in the waiting room during the procedure. I definitely won’t be able to walk out of there easily when they’re done, and he said someone would have to drive me. No problem when you don’t drive to begin with. The two things I don’t do is drive or handle our finances with my shitty math. I could barely manage a checking account and the few bills I had during the nine years I had an apartment in the late 80s and early 90s.

I’m on for June 11th at 7:30. They only do this particular procedure in the mornings. I’m to take one of the Halcion pills an hour before the appointment and bring the other pill with me in case it’s needed.

Tom told me Halcion is a sleeping pill while I was helping him with his wart. He has a huge wart on the back of his head that we’ve been treating but I can’t believe it’s going to go away on its own. We’ve got money, so I don’t know why he doesn’t get it taken care of by a doctor but then most of us hate doctors and the money isn’t going to last forever either. Probably just the rest of the year. It could last a year in a cheaper place.

I’m too tired to get into an idea he came up with for moving, and this entry is getting long enough anyway. I’ll just end it by saying we stopped for burgers and fries for the first time in a while on the way back from the dentist.

MONDAY, MAY 25, 2020
Researched tips on how to stop being such a worrywart. One tip suggests talking about my worries but the last thing I want to do is put anyone in a bad mood. Tom is horrible at handling complaints of any kind.

The rat started chewing the pig’s liner so no more coming and going into the pig’s section unsupervised.

We took the bikes out yesterday before it got too hot. I could hear hammering and sawing just over the wall. Yes, Californians love to do their projects.

After a few more triple-digit days, I hope they’ll open the pool. I don’t know if it would be wise to get my hair cut, though. Until and if there’s a vaccine, I don’t know that we should go anywhere unnecessarily. But then maybe in another month or so, if no one in this area has had the virus, then maybe it’ll be okay.

Didn’t know this but apparently, they make antifungal nail polish that actually helps cure yellowed nails and brown spots like what I’ve got. I have my doubts despite the rave reviews, but it can’t hurt to try it. It’s looking like the Lamisil probably isn’t going to do me any good.

It was nice to have funny and embarrassing dreams instead of sad and terrifying ones for a change.

The first dream was weird. I was at the beach somewhere enjoying the sounds of the waves crashing on the shore and taking in the smell of the ocean which I loved. I looked at the waves and was trying to judge the best time to dodge the bigger ones to go out for a swim.

Suddenly, a few people were yelling at me in an angry but mostly concerned manner. It was almost like they thought I was enjoying myself a little too much or something and that worried them.

In the embarrassing dream, I was in a room talking to some photos. It suddenly occurred to me that Tom may be in the next room listening. So I stepped out of the room and checked in the room next door and sure enough, there he was, much to my immense embarrassment. I tried to make some excuse to cover up for my embarrassing actions by saying I’d fallen asleep and was just talking in my sleep.

Then both Andy and the termite contacted me. The termite called begging to “move on” and for financial help because she was down to her last $2. LOL Unfortunately, they can’t be that bad off in reality even if her narcissistic offspring aren’t working and can’t help because she has disability checks while he has retirement checks to support them, and they’re paying a lot less than we are. They may not be doing great, but I can’t see them struggling much. I would be a lot more worried about Andy than them.

I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if someday she tried to contact me to play kiss and make up. Not gonna happen! I may have learned my lesson decades too late, but I have learned it.

I even told Tom in the dream that I would talk to people like Andy and Marie before I ever talked to Tammy, and that’s true. However, unlike in the dream where I seemed to like the idea of reconnecting with Andy, I really don’t have any desire to. Same goes for Marie. They are who they are, and I think it’s safe to say that as old as they’re getting, they’re set in their ways with no desire to change. I don’t want to deal with Marie’s paranoid craziness or reconnect with Andy just to deal with his arrogance, insensitivity, negativity, and to be told that every other thing I say is a lie.

SUNDAY, MAY 24, 2020
We’ve got a heatwave coming through with triple digits getting as high as 106 dgs. Should be hot until the 30th.

Tom has had a tremor in his hands for a while but lately, I’ve noticed that sometimes his head has a slight shaking to it as well. He’s getting a little old for Parkinson’s so hopefully, it’s nothing serious. I’ve asked him about it, and he says it’s nothing. I hope he’s right! Having to worry about my shit is enough.

Yesterday I asked the pharmacist at Rite Aid his opinion on my nails and unfortunately, he said what I came to suspect it is…a fungus. He recommended Lamisil and said it might not work and I may need the pills that Dr. A mentioned I might need. You only take a couple of them, but they’re supposed to be particularly hard on the liver.

When I got back, I checked my Documents folder and found I tried Lamisil to no avail in 2017 on my toes. But my toenails are worse than my fingernails, so we’ll see. Aly said it helped her toenails after a couple of weeks so that gives me a bit of hope. After a couple of treatments, there might be a very slight improvement but it’s too soon to say for sure.

He recommends calcium for the lifting. I’ll get some caramel calcium chews with the next grocery order.

It’s also looking like my stomach pain was caused by a lack of fiber because while I was at the store, I grabbed a can of cannellini beans and it’s better today. Not perfect but better. I had one normal dump and one that was slightly runny. What I call the partial runs.

So much for saying my body won’t let itself under 155 because I woke up at 154.6, interestingly enough, even though I’m not dieting.

Just a little concerned with whatever my throat/neck situation is. I can see swollen lymph nodes, and I get that they extend into the sides of the boobs which would explain the sore spot at the side of my boob, but why would I feel irritation at times in my throat when I swallow? That’s the part I don’t get. So I decided that if my neck/throat/boob doesn’t improve with fixing my tooth, I might see if I can bump up Doc A and get finding out about it done and over with. This way they can fix anything that may be wrong or tell me it’s nothing and ease my concerns, so I don’t have to sit here worrying and wondering all the time. Oh, it’s something, alright. The question is how much of something it is. Hopefully, it’s something simple that won’t require any treatment. I know I should just take the free boob squeeze but I’m still hesitant. Right now the lymph node thing is my biggest concern.

Trying not to overdo the complaints, concerns and stress over my health and teeth to Tom because I know it gets to him. If there’s anything he’s always been really bad at handling, it’s complaints of any kind. He just doesn’t want to hear it. Be it me bitching about noise or my health, it brings him down and puts him in a bad mood and I don’t want to do that to him. So I’m going to make a point of just toughing out whatever I can. Yes, it sort of bothers me just like it’s always bothered me that he’s quick to defend whoever I’m upset with, and I also know that someone could be bashing the shit out of me right in front of him and he wouldn’t say a single word. So yeah, it bothers me. But he is who he is.

My chicken marsala came out okay if you like white meat. Not something I’m going to make again so I’m hoping the slow-cooked pork chops I’m making right now will come out better. They’re cooking in a mix of cream of chicken, ranch dressing mix, chicken broth, and garlic.

Last night’s dreams were the usual mix of negativity. Facing living alone or thinking about it as a real and scary possibility (I would never let myself live alone. If I wasn’t in jail, a nursing home, or a funny farm, I’m dead, but definitely not alone), cops showing up to execute a search warrant while someone was visiting me, me in a hallway in some building the cops were storming through.

SATURDAY, MAY 23, 2020
Planes are going to be bad later this morning. I can hear the freeway.

Based on my symptoms and our research, we’re now thinking the intermittent stomach pain I get is connected to intestinal inflammation. I should have other symptoms if it was the gallbladder.

Then I took a dump and noticed the shit was broken apart, Googled it, and it suggested a lack of fiber which can lead to GI issues.

As for my nails…I’m 90-something percent sure it’s not nail polish damage. I think it could be fungus similar to what’s in my toenails. When I don’t put lotion on, I see the same yellowy-white discoloration that’s in my toes. I’d love to ask a pharmacist at Rite Aid what their opinion is and any OTC they may recommend.

The endodontist’s office called yesterday wanting to have me come in a little earlier. That’s fine but this is the second time they’ve changed times on us. Really hope they don’t make this a regular habit even if I hope to only see them one more time after Tuesday.

They’re opening more things up here and the increase in traffic sounds reflects that. So now my sleep is at risk when I’m sleeping during the daytime. It’s stupid too. They shouldn’t lift the lockdown until a vaccine is available.

I’m sure I will be woken up when that house is finally hauled out of here and the new one hauled in. They’re taking forever to do it.

Dixie said she later heard that no, the house wasn’t broken into but they’re just remodeling. How do you get a break-in out of remodeling? But then Dixie isn’t all there. Pretty sure I know the house she’s talking about. I’ve seen it when out walking.

Yesterday when I was out walking, one of the turkeys kind of lost its mind. I don’t know if it was attempting to be aggressive or if it was desperate for attention or scared of something or what. I turned to look behind me to find one charging at me as a woman was coming toward me walking her dog. Then a car was coming, and the turkey didn’t want to get too close to the car or to me so it flew a short distance. Then it turned around and kept circling the woman and her dog. The woman was worried for a minute that the turkey would harm her dog based on the way she held the leash protectively. There were a couple of clusters of the ugly bastards along the way. You don’t realize how loud turkeys gobble until you’re standing right next to them when they do!

The chicken marsala I made yesterday came out okay. I’m just not a fan of white meat so if I ever make it again, I won’t use breasts. It’s dry, bland and stringy.

About a month ago I broke down and finally decided to say hello to Dr. H and Holly and let them know we would be moving next year. Yesterday I noticed Dr. H was showing up under the People You May Know section. I asked Becky her opinion and she said she wasn’t sure exactly, she’s had people show up too, and it can’t be a coincidence.

I agree. I don’t think Holly has been to my profile if she even got or read my message, but I think the doctor visited me. Of course she didn’t reply. It’s kind of weird, too. I can see if she was still treating me, but there is no doctor-patient relationship anymore. So why not a quick and polite reply? It just seems kind of rude to blow me off at this point but that’s her choice.

I also can’t help but wonder if perhaps Alyssa does read my messages after all because she hasn’t updated her profile picture since August. Okay, I know she’s busy as hell adding a kid on top of a demanding career, but it makes me wonder if perhaps she feels uncomfortable posting anything that has to be public because of me. I hope that’s not the case as I certainly don’t want anyone feeling unnecessarily comfortable.

Aly’s having the same problem I had with mometasone, only on her face instead of her privates. It really burned the hell out of her so now she’s on steroids again. Seems to be the only thing that helps her with her eczema outbreaks and other rashes.

She visited in my dreams last night. Not sure it looked like this house but she turned in before we did, and as I was putting on my floral silk robe I said, I looked at the closed door she slept behind and said, “I can’t believe Alison P is behind that door.”

In reality, I’m starting to doubt we’ll ever meet. Kind of sucks but I can live with it.

FRIDAY, MAY 22, 2020
“They split that house,” Tom stepped outside and then stepped back inside to tell me. Sure enough, when I looked out the living room window and at the house where the guy was beating on the carport, I could see it was pulled apart a bit. He thought they pulled it apart to do some kind of repair, but I knew there was no way they would do that just to fix something. He said it would be a tremendous waste of money to replace the house when you can just get a new place somewhere. I agree. But people do stupid shit all the time.

I jumped on Facebook and messaged Mrs. Twenties and yes, they are replacing it, she confirmed. She’s also tired of the project noise and is usually tolerant of noise to begin with. They haven’t pulled it out yet. I guess they’re waiting until I’m back on nights? We were hoping at first that they would go out the back and that way they wouldn’t have to go around the corner by our place and then to the back gate, but Tom says it does look like they are going to come between us and the Twenties. He said it’s actually a triple-wide and that they’re just gonna shift the pieces over onto the carport and then pull them out onto the street from there which means it has to go by us. Really hope to hell I’m awake when they pull it out and bring the new one in! I can’t believe this shit. I just can’t. It’s like there’s no end to what people will do in this place. Everything’s about appearance and throwing money away.

There is some good news. While Dahl may make me want to beat him over the head at times with his circular saw, the Twenties lucked out with a good neighbor. Her name is Mary Ann. She’s a home health care nurse who is working from home. This is exactly why I say I want more female neighbors if not couples like the Twenties.

Dixie surprised me by informing me that someone broke into a house on Tandy while the owners weren’t home. If this is true, then wow. This is the last place you would think anyone would want to break into even when the front gate is open. You’re just so much more likely to get caught here. Stealing a bike on a corner that someone was stupid enough not to lock is one thing, but breaking into houses? Here? Guess it’s a reminder that no place is exempt from trouble.

Yesterday the planes were more annoying than they have been in a while. I think the direction of the wind might have shifted because I could hear the freeway.

I don’t know if this is real or not. It seems a little too good to be true that I could play a spin-the-wheel game and instantly be told I won a $200 discount in a smartwatch store and I don’t even have to apply the code when I check out because it will be automatically applied. Most of the smartwatches range from $220 to $225 but again, I don’t know if it’s for real. I’ll have Tom check it out with me when he gets up.

It seems that when it comes to my top two cyber friends and me, we all have our curses and our blessings. One is blessed with good health, the other peace and quiet, and I’ve got the money. But only for now. If I continue to have one problem after another as I feared I might once I beat the anxiety, and if something really is trying to trap us here, it’s going to run out fast. Really starting to suspect I may have gallstones. That cramp-like pain I get in my upper right tummy that I’ve had on and off since about 2017 seems to suggest this. I looked up everything in that area and it’s too far to the side to be the pancreas. Really doubt it’s any kind of liver-related problem or IBS, which leaves gallstones. I fit the criteria too. I’m an obese woman over 40.

Read back in my journal (again, I’m so glad I keep a journal as everyone should), and not only has Tom’s mother, sister, and Evie had gallbladder surgery, but my dad sent me a letter in 2008 saying he had his removed. It’s a common problem. It’s easy to diagnose and easy to fix which is great, but I’m tired of suffering and I definitely don’t want to waste money on health issues. But yesterday and the day before, it was more noticeable than ever. I was constipated for a couple of days, so we’ll see if no longer being stuck makes it better. I’ve only been up for 4 hours and so far, it’s ranged from non-existent to mild.

Aly will be tested for the virus today. She doesn’t think she has it.

THURSDAY, MAY 21, 2020
Woke up feeling more rested (even though I took a nap) and less like I had a cold. My lymph nodes aren’t too bad, although I’ve also felt the ones under my jaw and my left groin at times. Today’s problem is that mysterious pain I sometimes get in my upper right stomach. I don’t think it’s enough pain for gallbladder issues and I haven’t been doing anything where I would have pulled muscles in that area, but it’s something that comes and goes along with the lymph nodes swelling. Never really paid attention to say if it happens at the same time or not. I’m thinking it’s either connected to my liver or large intestine, likely the latter. I’m just not sure what, why or how.

When I felt shitty yesterday, I didn’t eat much and realized that if I ever lost a significant amount of weight, something would have to be wrong. Better to keep my appetite and my weight because then I at least know I feel good and am healthy! Since dropping my processed diet in favor of unprocessed foods, the risk of gaining weight has gone way down. But if my body is comfortable staying at 155, then I’m comfortable.

If you diet and lose weight, great. If you diet and don’t (assuming nothing’s wrong with you), then you were likely meant to be where you are.

I had catfish and an avocado an hour or so after I got up. Now I’m baking a chicken breast.

No longer doing voice journals with Alyssa’s chat thread because I noticed that some of them said error after a while. So I decided not to bother.

It may be too soon, but things are starting to reopen. So eventually it’s going to be maddening around here again. You know, if I was the type who could brainwash myself and I wanted to make myself believe there was something up there listening to me, all I’d have to do is ask for noisy neighbors when we move. Yeah, I know better. I know that if there’s anything up there - and that’s a big if - it’s totally pointless to even bother to try to ask for a quiet place because I know it won’t happen. Just not meant to be.

Got tired of asking Kim to tone down the messages and trying to explain that six 1-minute messages or more are a bit much. She’ll respect my wishes for a while, then it’s right back to the long, rambling bullshit. I’m tired of her repetition, too! She’ll tell me the same thing over and over again in a 1-minute message. But at least she’s gullible as fuck and I could convince her my speaker and mic broke so we must revert back to texting. I can skim these faster. FB offers no way to speed up or jump through voice messages in increments.

WEDNESDAY, MAY 20, 2020
I accidentally locked myself out of my Mac doing some kind of upgrade, but since I only use the thing for puzzles and I didn’t need anything on it, we erased the drive altogether and reinstalled Mojave.

My neck lymph nodes feel better today but I feel very run down and almost like I’m coming down with something. God, I hope not!

That concludes my very short entry because I really don’t have anything else to report at this time.

TUESDAY, MAY 19, 2020
Yesterday, the bulge in my neck was more obvious than usual and even Tom could feel it, though it’s not visible to the eye. It was tender and slightly throbbing like my tooth sometimes does. It was the first time I took ibuprofen for it. Tom and I both agree, though, that there’s no urgency to run to the doctor because I’ve had it so long and it’s highly unlikely to be anything serious. So it can wait 5 months until I see my PCP.
It’s still stressing me out, though, on top of my pending dental surgery. When I woke up, I felt like gone was the peace and serenity I’ve been having. But then I did additional research on Google and I’m pretty sure I have an idea of what it is and how to make it better if not go away completely. Pretty sure it’s a swollen lymph node that’s been more noticeable due to the inflammation in my mouth. It doesn’t explain why I’ve had it for so long but while my tooth may no longer be infected, it is inflamed.

I learned that we have lymph nodes in the neck, under the arms, and in the groin. I don’t know why this one has been noticeable for the last 2 to 3 years, but I’m guessing it may be connected to my thyroid. I read that nodules on the thyroid are rarely sensitive. Lymph nodes can get bacterial infections at times but that is rare as well. Besides, I just had a round of penicillin. But due to the fact that it is a little tender and seems to be spreading more towards the side, my bet is on a lymph node. Sometimes they have to drain it. No pain in my jaw, thank God, or ear any more than the usual shit I get from the ear on that side.

Definitely don’t have symptoms of cancer and that’s usually not painful. That seems to be the general rule from what I’ve heard and read. If you have lumps in your breasts that are hard, don’t move, or cause any pain, that may be a concern.

They recommended a warm compress on the swollen lymph node and that seems to have helped stop the “bubbling” a bit like when something’s just about to boil. Keeping my hands off it is easy. Keeping my mind off it, not so much. I’m curious and a little worried but right now I want to try to just focus on my tooth first and then decide what to do about my neck. If I do go to the doctor sooner, it will be more to give me peace of mind and settle my curiosity than anything else. Meaning, I don’t have to have any treatment done if she recommends any after finding out what it is. I may mention it to the endodontist just in case it’s important in any way I don’t know about. I’m not a doctor. But as Tom said, I’m the boss of my own body.

I swear I sometimes still get a tickle in my throat on that side and the last couple of days I’ve had a scratchiness of sorts overall, especially when I talk, but again, trying not to worry. It’s hard not to think about it so I’m trying to distract myself with other things.

Lost the nearly 2 lbs I gained after just one day of eating healthier, although I did indulge in some M&M’s. I’m cooking the cornish game hen now and I made the cheddar bay biscuits. Yup, just like Red Lobster.

We ran out to Rite-Aid yesterday and returned to this god-awful hammering sound. My first thought was the woodpecker, but it quickly hit me that it didn’t sound right for that. Well, a few houses down, 125 feet away (love how I can check that on Google Maps), some guy was beating on his carport. I could hear it all the way down in the bedroom even with the door shut, but fortunately, it didn’t last long, and nothing woke me up. Let me guess…they’re getting a garage? I’m just so fucking sick of listening to projects every single fucking week!

Tom made the best mask yet by gluing drawstrings along the top and bottom edges instead of using sewing thread. Much easier to get on and keep in place.

Facebook lets you create personalized avatars that look like you, but I couldn’t quite get mine to look like me, even though I’m using it anyway. Tom thinks I look sort of Asian, LOL. Well, at least I’m a green-eyed brunette.

I have no idea why, but Blitz has been limping and Rockefeller has been whining up a storm. With Rockefeller, I think he just wants attention. With Blitz, I’m clueless. I highly doubt Fuzzy harmed him because he’s never shown any type of aggression toward him and he seldom goes downstairs anyway.

Looking forward to trying this peel-off base coat a PBer recommended so I can hopefully bypass polish remover altogether since the small sample of hairspray I got was worthless, but it’s not a high priority. We both agreed to really watch our shopping until we get out of here.

I was right in assuming I’d hear the motorcycle within a few days because it just came in at nearly 12:30.

Took a break before posting this. Was up for nearly 20 hours and barely slept for 6, so I’m a bit tired today.

The motorcycle left at 2.

The hen was fabulous and totally worth the extra two bucks. Yes, there were a few bland bites of white meat I didn’t eat but I didn’t waste nearly as much as I would a regular chicken.

MONDAY, MAY 18, 2020
My heart was racing again. It did this the night before too, after eating. It’s almost like there was something in the tortellini recipe making it race, but I can’t imagine what. I managed to get five or six servings out of the tortellini and it basically fed me for a day and a half. The same amount of weight it put on me. I swear if I wanted to gain weight, all I would have to do is eat bread, pasta, rice, and peanut butter. I think even just pasta alone would do it.

Some groceries are to be delivered tomorrow. Since it’s harder to lock in a delivery time with so many people getting their groceries delivered, we decided it would be easier to get things delivered every few days rather than weekly. The only “bad” thing I ordered to make us tomorrow besides a small sweet treat of mini M&M’s in a tube is Red Lobster’s Cheddar Bay biscuit mix.

I also ordered a twin pack of Cornish game hens for the first time ever. You can bake them in the oven, but they recommend a cookie sheet with a rack which I don’t have at this time, so I’m going to slow-cook them. I know I could use a casserole dish, but I really love slow cooking. Because they’re small and the cooker is small, I’m going to make one at a time. I can’t see myself eating more than one at once anyway. I’ll season it to taste and cook it over some veggies. Learned that they’re not even game hens but young chickens and therefore have less fat. I prefer dark meat to white but I’m sure I’ll still like them.

Having some fluky weather. We don’t need the heat or anything but the rain we’re getting is unusual for this time of year when it’s supposed to be hot and dry. There is also a flash flood warning for tomorrow.

I hope Tom is right with his time frames. I’m thrilled that we won’t have to worry about money for many months but what then? I asked him what we would do when the money runs out and we’re back down to $1200 a month in retirement checks which aren’t enough to live on. Well, he feels confident that we’ll be fine for the rest of the year and that early next year, there will be a vaccine at which time he’ll get a job and not have to worry so much about getting sick. Wish I could be as confident as he is! It’s just that they felt certain they would have an AIDS vaccine yet 40 years later, there isn’t one. As he said, though, this is very different than AIDS.

I really hope nothing comes up to prevent or delay us from moving next year! And I also hope that whenever I’m destined to have new health issues or old ones that get worse, it isn’t until after we’re moved and settled.

It seems we really have been compensated with money after many years of struggling. I wish I could believe that we’ll be compensated with a beautiful home and an ideal location that’s peaceful and that I love so much and never want to leave until I die, but I can’t believe that for a minute. I would love for that to be the case, but I just can’t see it. Then again, I never would have thought we’d not have any money problems for 9 years, so maybe - just maybe - I’ll be pleasantly surprised even if I highly doubt it.

Had a horrible nightmare. One that certainly can’t reflect anything that’s going on now, so I have no idea where the hell it came from because we’re the furthest from losing the place than we’ve ever been before in our lives. The dream didn’t make much sense in a lot of ways. I was alone yet Tom was still alive. It’s like I couldn’t get to him or something like that. Then there was something about a phone ringing late at night and being back in Massachusetts. I wouldn’t answer it because I was sure that whoever was calling had bad news or was at least someone I didn’t want to hear from.

The scary and sad part of the dream was being stuck in this hotel. I was out somewhere and this woman that sort of resembled Nane was driving me back to the hotel. Then I realized I’d forgotten my room key. “Nane” was frustrated with me, wanting me to make up my mind where she was to drop me off because she was in a hurry and didn’t feel safe being in public with the virus still going around.

Once she dropped me off at my hotel, I was able to get inside my room easily enough because the housekeeper was in it. I found that someone had ripped off most of my stuff. My lungs were tight and I told myself not to panic since I didn’t have my inhaler but then I found it in one of my bags. After I took a puff, I noticed a woman and a man sitting at a small table by the door playing cards and smoking. I demanded that they take their cigarettes outside and was determined to find who stole my stuff. I was questioning some guy at some point and had to resist the temptation to strangle him before he could if not tell me directly then at least point me in the right direction.

I began to feel a sense of hopelessness and to believe that death was my only savior. I then started crying as housekeepers and whoever passed by me as they came and went. I sobbed, “I’m gonna die,” but no one seemed to care.

At least the dream ended on a good note. I was getting it on with some woman and I came like I was under 50 again. LOL

Aly admitted she was still in touch with Molly but only through Fitbit and that was sporadic.

SUNDAY, MAY 17, 2020
Looked into alternatives to nail polish remover that may be better for my nails, and one of the suggestions was toothpaste. That one didn’t work at all, but the perfume suggestion worked a bit. The problem is that it would take forever so it’s not worth it. They say the best is hairspray so next grocery order I’ll throw in some hairspray and we’ll see.

Thought of ways to hide the ugliness until my nails clear up (if they ever do) and remembered I have a bunch of nail decals. They won’t stay on by themselves but all they need is a topcoat. No nail polish and no remover.

My mushroom spinach tortellini came out awesome! The only problem is that it’s making me hungry. That’s the problem with carbs… They fill me up but leave me hungrier. More hunger and eventually more weight. Definitely gotta switch back to meats even if it’s bad for my cholesterol. I don’t lose weight, but I don’t have to worry about gaining and always being hungry that way. It would be nice if I could live on just fruits and veggies alone since I wouldn’t have to worry about cholesterol, but I know I would be even hungrier than with carbs. So it’s either carbs or cholesterol and I choose cholesterol, LOL. My doctor said I don’t have to give up meat altogether if I focus on things like fish instead of bacon. Yeah, but a moderate amount of fat is actually healthier. Atkins was low-carb and low-fat and that can cause heart attacks. I definitely lean way more toward fish and chicken and healthier meats as opposed to bacon and red meats. I don’t want to have too much fish, though, because of the mercury in it.

So that’s what those “steps” are for. The people before us left these little wire-coated steps and when I was looking for spice racks on Amazon, those were one of the designs that came up. I plan to get a different one that I think will be better in the next place but for now, I set one of the steps up by the side of the stove and arranged my sprays, oils and spices on them.

I keep going back and forth in my mind as to whether or not I want to unblock the termites. I’m kind of hoping one of them will contact me first if I do so I can reply with the journal excerpts which kind of makes me feel more like I have an excuse to, but I still hesitate for a few reasons. I want to be gone over a year first. I’m sure they could figure out how to get our future address if they really wanted to and send shit there instead, but at least it should take time to show up online. I don’t think they share this information with the world the instant you get it.

I also don’t want to take a chance of any of them realizing I’ve unblocked them and then turning around and blocking me if they haven’t already, thus making it harder to send them anything in the future. I think I’ll just stick with my original plan and wait until we’ve been gone a year, then I’ll unblock them and send the messages then. I’ll just have to wait a few days before I send them because Facebook doesn’t let you re-block anyone for 72 hours. I’m also going to Skype a copy to Lisa because I don’t trust that Tammy ever forwarded anything I sent her to give to her. Especially when I asked more than once if she gave Lisa a copy of my note and never got an answer.

I don’t want to ask Aly to piggyback any messages when we move because then it’s more likely to be filtered since they were never connected before.

Decided to quit sweeping since all I get are win notifications for others. Really, I’m sick of that shit, and there’s just no winning with all the competition I’ve got these days. I wasn’t sweeping as I used to, though. Not using OLS or anything like that. I was just entering sweeps I would see on my Facebook feed.

The fucking motorcycles made up for my being able to sleep during trash pickup on Friday. Tom said two of them went by. Believe it or not, we’re supposed to get rain tomorrow so hopefully, that will back them off so I can sleep. But yeah, the rude fuckers are going to be a problem until November. I wouldn’t be surprised if I heard the one that visits in the middle of the night within the next few nights.

Sighs frustratedly First all I had to run from were the stereos and barking. Now motorcycles and planes have been thrown into the mix. What’s next? Spaceships?

No runs today but I’m still going too much. I hope I don’t need another round of antibiotics. No pain but there is a slight throbbing sensation in that tooth almost like the nerve is desperate to escape or something.

Went bike riding around 9:30. I figured that sticking to the circle would be kind of boring but I didn’t want to go down the “rollercoaster” not only because of the skunks but because that’s where I go the fastest, and without being able to see well, I didn’t want to risk an accident. So I opted for a Daisy run instead. It only took 10 minutes and there were a few areas that were pretty dark, but it was a nice ride. With the exception of the skunky smell by the RVs.

It seems I had a dream about trying to keep a skunk out of our place without getting sprayed. It didn’t spray me, but it made this horribly angry screeching sound.

I also had dreams involving Alyssa and Dr. A. I love it when I have funny dreams involving people like them, although I wouldn’t exactly call them “funny.”

With Alyssa, I met her under different circumstances, and she was younger, too. We were in a medical building and she was only 21 when I first saw her, though not as doctor and patient. At least not right away. The first time I saw her we never actually spoke, but I was immediately attracted to her and would later realize that she was having a job interview with the medical group about working in that building. I don’t know how long she eventually treated me for, but my dream self was thinking how we first met when she was 21 and now she was 26.

With Dr. A, Tom was telling me it was time to go for my appointment with her and I realized I was barely ready. I had just gotten dressed and hadn’t put on any makeup or anything like that. I jumped up to leave and then fell down.

But then I was sitting in a room by myself waiting for us to do a Zoom meeting. I hadn’t been paying attention to the screen, figuring she would be late. Suddenly, I saw that she was just coming on and went to adjust the monitor.

Then in another split second, I was waiting to meet her outside some building somewhere. It may have been someplace I was living because I was a little embarrassed by how the outside of the place looked. She showed up carrying a jacket of mine as well as a notebook that I left in her office the last time I saw her there. I took the jacket gratefully but then was embarrassed when I looked down at the notebook which was folded open to a page where I had a list of names.

“Ah, my character list,” I said. “A friend and I randomly threw some names down from the internet to choose for stories we’re writing,” Then I flushed with embarrassment when I thought of her reading anything else, knowing I’d written some personal thoughts and things I wouldn’t want to share with her.

In the last dream, I was listening to an official-sounding voice message. My first thought was that it was Dixie, but the woman started off by saying, “This message is for Jodi…” I’m not sure what it was about but I wanted to ignore it and was afraid I wouldn’t be able to.

FRIDAY, MAY 15, 2020
Well, the penicillin has officially given me the runs. Hopefully, it won’t last long.

Forgot to mention yesterday that the dentist canceled my Monday morning consultation. I was annoyed at first, hating it when doctors or dentists cancel on me because that adds to my stress when trying to schedule appointments. But they called back today, and I’ll be seeing a different doctor on the 26th. As much as I’m still dreading it, I hope to get the root canal and all the fillings I need completed around the time I see my ENT in early June so I can enjoy a long break from appointments until I see my PCP in October.

The dentist emailed me saying they’re open again but are going to do things a little differently. They’ll text us a couple of hours before our appointment to ask some COVID-related questions, and then we’re supposed to text them when we arrive. They’ll then text you letting you know when you can enter the office. You must have a mask on except for when you’re being treated, of course, and they’ll take your temperature upon arrival. I’m almost always 97.

At least now I know I won’t have to worry about money at all and can have whatever procedure I want regardless of costs (I would still prefer laughing gas and not just a simple chill pill). Yeah, I still can’t wrap my head around that, LOL. This is more money than anything I’ve ever won, more than my joke of an inheritance, more than anything.

I have these foil sachets that are typically used for removing glitter nail polish. I think I’ll soak the pads in them with apple cider vinegar and treat my still shitty-looking nails with them. I still hope Tom’s right when he suspects it’s just nail polish damage and reminds me that my doctor saw them and didn’t think they were anything to worry about. They’re not as irritated today, so that’s a plus.

Despite my hair being barely past my shoulders, it’s still a bitch to brush even if I do it regularly. Is it really still that thick?

Miraculously, I slept through trash and green waste pickup. Wish I’d thought to add Alexa and her brown noise 7 years ago. It’s just that she wasn’t as reliable back then and I had other things going on to disrupt my sleep like perimenopause and the hell I went through adjusting to my medication. I’m much better off both physically and emotionally these days, especially emotionally, and I think that helps me relax enough to sleep better, along with the fact that I know this is our last year here. It better be! Life isn’t usually what we plan or at least when we plan it, so hopefully, this will be one of those exceptions.

The only time I might still get in a blah kind of mood is when I’m on nights, which is not surprising and quite typical. That’s when my mind has fewer distractions in order to have a chance to go places it shouldn’t be going. That’s when the what-if moments often come to mind. I just try to keep busy which is something I like to do anyway. I like to be as productive and as creative as possible.

Could have sworn I heard that damn saw for a few seconds shortly after I got up, but I can’t swear to it.

While I’m glad it’s summer, it kind of sucks to know that they’re very likely to close the pool during the summer. At least we should be able to swim year-round in Florida.

I’m making mushroom spinach tortellini now. This is the most sophisticated recipe I’ve thrown together yet. If someone had told me I would one day develop an interest in cooking and would be making the kinds of dishes I’ve been making, I would have laughed. I’ve definitely learned never to assume I might not be interested in something later on down the road or that I won’t lose interest in something I’m presently interested in. One can never know.

Right now I’ve got mushrooms, onions, butter, soy sauce, salt and pepper cooking in vegetable broth.

It took a half-hour of preparation and it’s in the cooker for the next 7 hours. It’s going to be a while before I add in the tortellini, cheddar, cream cheese, spinach and basil leaves. I shredded the basil leaves by hand because I don’t have a decent shredder right now. Thank God for rodents! I had more basil leaves than I need, so the pigs and rat will be happy to finish off what’s left of them.

Fuzzy and Blitz are cohabiting nicely. I was worried Fuzzy would pester him and maybe chew up the liner, but he’s been behaving nicely. I think it’s mostly because he’s older and spends most of his time upstairs sleeping.

THURSDAY, MAY 14, 2020
I’m still baffled by my nails, but I think whatever it is goes beyond simply overdoing the nail polish. I hope Tom’s right since he thinks that’s all it is. The problem is I’m so addicted to nail polish that it’s hard to keep from polishing them, but I’m determined to leave them alone for the rest of the year or at least until and if they clear up. I’m wondering if it might be due to psoriatic arthritis.

I’ve got lifting in about half of my nails, some discoloration, and even a touch of sensitivity. It’s hard to describe but I guess it’s almost like the tips of the nails where they meet the nailbeds have a slight burning sensation or like the skin is too dry and tight even though I’m keeping my nails moisturized. It’s weird because the fingernail that’s the most sensitive doesn’t appear to have any discoloration or lifting. One of the sites I was investigating recommended soaking them in apple cider vinegar for 10 minutes for a few weeks. I doubt it will help but it can’t hurt to try.

They also recommend coconut oil, so I decided to use that instead of the Healthy Hoof.

At least my bottom I-tooth didn’t have any soreness when I first removed the mouthguard today as I had for a few days. I think that tooth was just trying to shift.

I also think I would like to stop having one fucking problem after another!

I’m a couple of days away from taking my meds consistently for 6 solid weeks. So I’m sure my next round of anxiety is coming soon and I’ll have to snip the ends of the pills for a couple of days. Well, hopefully, that’s all I’ll need to do it for.

Nothing like waking up to the sound of sawing. Yeah, this is the third fucking time since the sixth and it’s definitely getting old. The thing is that the bastard will quickly saw something and then jump inside his house. I don’t want to go to anyone’s door with the virus going around. He’s obviously not going to stop until someone complains and maybe not even then since many people react poorly to complaints. I can see someone doing this initially when they first move in and are getting settled but it’s been going on ever since the bastard moved in which tells me it’s just what he does. It’s probably his hobby if not part of his job. Oh, to have all-female neighbors! Yes, I’ve had some obnoxious female neighbors before but nothing like the shit I’ve gotten from guys. Them and their fucking loud-ass power toys and vehicles.

The commercial planes, on the other hand, have been a million times better. No longer do I hear dozens of them in the early morning and late at night along with a sprinkling of them in between. I’m sure they’ll drive me crazy again soon enough but I’m enjoying the break from them for now. All I hear are a few small planes and a few more helicopters and that’s pretty much it. The nights are nice and peaceful as they should be.

Took the bike out this afternoon but it was a bad time because there was too much activity getting in the way. People see me coming yet they still can’t get out of the fucking way which slows me down. Riding against the wind on a gearless cruiser is damn hard, so I hate it when they slow me down in the areas that aren’t uphill. I love coasting down Oak. There were also a couple of women hugging nearly in the middle of the road which forced me to go further toward the middle of the road to get around them and this was right at a curve where you can’t see oncoming traffic. I almost slammed into a couple of turkeys as well.

I would go at night when the traffic, people and turkeys aren’t in the way but then I run the risk of hitting a skunk darting out in front of me. It wouldn’t take much to get thrown. Just one large rock or something in the road that I didn’t see until it was too late, and I could be as good as dead if not so injured that I sure as hell wished I was. Getting thrown from a bike can be just as dangerous as a motorcycle and you don’t need to go nearly as fast. It’s still fun to go out riding whenever I get around to it. If I stick to the circle at night, I should be okay. There’s only a small section where I like to go fast, but that area is well-lit.

Tom loved the creamy cheesy scalloped potatoes I made. He said they were fantastic and it was all he could do to keep from eating the whole pot, LOL. Well, he won’t want any of tomorrow’s recipe which will be mushroom spinach tortellini.

I had a boneless skinless chicken thigh leftover from when I made the garlic chicken which I baked at 425 degrees for 40 minutes after seasoning it with garlic salt, cinnamon and paprika. Came out surprisingly well and I could see myself getting this more often.

The wool dryer balls came today and depending on how long they last, we’ll save a lot of money in the end because I’ll no longer need to get liquid fabric softener. They do a great job with static and your clothes dry a little faster.

Dixie invited me down this Saturday to make more masks with her but I’m on nights now. I wish she would just download the Walmart grocery app and get a subscription going so she doesn’t have to go out as much but I don’t think she understands how to do that. She and technology just don’t get along and she has memory issues much worse than mine. PQQ helps with Tom’s memory but I’m afraid to take things I don’t need to take. If it wasn’t for him, I’d probably have to record my doctor/dentist visits and then take notes later on, that’s how forgetful I can be these days.

I’m worried for Aly because her temperature was 99.9 which isn’t too bad but 13 hours of sleep? Hell, I can’t remember the last time I slept that long and she usually only needs 5-6. She said she was still tired afterward and had to resist the urge to sleep, not wanting to throw off her schedule. Really wish she had stayed away from Cam and that she doesn’t have the virus!

I decided to make the blog with the termites’ journal excerpts private. I’ll message them directly when I feel the time is right.

WEDNESDAY, MAY 13, 2020
Found out some not-so-great news today as well as some totally fantastic news but I’m not sharing the fantastic news just yet and when I do it will only be with Aly. Gotta laugh to myself knowing how pissed the termites would be if they knew about it, LOL.

Yeah, it isn’t every day you wake up to learn you won an appeal you didn’t even know about that’s going to get you over 20 grand. Tom didn’t want to tell me until he knew the outcome, but he hired a lawyer from some legal group and that’s what the “phone interview” with Unemployment was really all about. Funny too, because just last night I was warning Tom that just like you sometimes have to fight for prizes to get delivered to you when you win sweeps and contests, you have to fight the government as well. I knew they would do everything in their power to string things along or deny us all together with or without being so overwhelmed with tons of claims, but especially with all the extra claims. That’s exactly what happened a while ago and Tom was right to keep his mouth shut about it since I would have worried even more. Maybe we should have appealed Oregon’s decision, but we weren’t in a position to hire a lawyer back then.

You know, if the fucking government would stop giving so much of our money away, it wouldn’t be so overwhelmed when it came to taking care of its own. We shouldn’t have to fight for this shit. I’m glad we won, of course, but sometimes I wish we weren’t from here or at least not white.

The lawyers, who win 95% of their cases, agreed to work on a contingency and only get money if they won the case. Well, they won! Our wonderful government was going to stiff us probably because he maxed out the system and was owed the most you can get per week on Unemployment here which is $450. Plus, there’s the stimulus part of it to be factored in that you can’t get unless you’re getting Unemployment (guess there are two types of stimulus deals). He was so relieved to win because if he’d lost, he’d have to get one of those $15 jobs with Amazon or something like that and risk getting sick and maybe even dying.

Instead of having to go to work and possibly die for it, we’re going to get more than when he was working, believe it or not, for the next 6 months, since he’s unlikely to return to work anytime soon. We actually have to be careful not to make too much money otherwise we could lose it. That’s a first! Yeah, having to be careful not to make too much is a refreshing breath of fresh air. I’m still in shock.

It’s weird because it’s like where the economic crisis damn near killed us, this pandemic is causing us to profit. I just hope there isn’t some nasty catch to it we can’t see. Like how we were blown out of our minds to get such a great offer on the Phoenix house only to eventually leave me wondering if something up there only had us get such a great offer because it knew we’d need the money fighting to get into the new place with the way they kept fucking up on us and then the legal bullshit that soon followed. Well, hopefully there’s nothing sitting up there saying, “I better have them win a decent amount because they’re going to need it when I get done picking on her health.”

As it is, taking care of my teeth is going to be more expensive than we thought but I’m pretty confident that going with a root canal is likely to be my best bet in the end. I don’t know what kind of pain I may be in for but if I don’t do anything at all, I’m guaranteed to get infected again.

Even getting a pull costs more money than we thought. That would be around $500, and that office is closed now. They’re only doing emergencies where they simply pull the tooth with Novocain and nothing else. They said they would rather not pull the tooth at all, and recommended the root canal, so we trust their judgment and that it must be the best thing for me since they lose money by saying they would rather not pull it.

The bad news is that it’s going to cost around $1,600 for a root canal. Dixie said she’s had three of them and that they weren’t as bad as she thought, just expensive. Looks like I’ll probably be able to get nitrous oxide too, but it won’t be just one appointment like Dana told me over the phone. I go in Monday morning for a consultation before the actual procedure. They could have gotten me in this afternoon, but Tom explained I couldn’t make it due to my sleep disorder which the person he spoke with probably didn’t get. The doctor would know what it is but I’m not so sure about those that answer the phone. Doesn’t matter, though. I get in when I can get in.

Anyway, we have to pay half up front and they’ll accept payments for the other half.

I was doubly annoyed, though, because the doctor is male and has a name that appears to be Middle Eastern or Indian because they have the accents from hell. Really tired of having to deal with foreigners who don’t want to conform to the American accent or at least try to! I’m fucking American, so why would I want an Indian treating me?

But then I looked the guy up, and despite his name, he’s from Canada. So that should be easier to understand even if it still wears a dick between its legs. Personally, as long as they do the job right, they can have whatever body parts they want and be from wherever. I just want to be able to understand what the hell they’re saying and have them be competent.

Anyway, we’re relieved and happy about the settlement in which the lawyers will only get $1,700. We’re guessing the payments will start coming at the end of the month. It’ll amount to nearly 30K in half a year and that’s a lot for us! I’d love to take the money and run to Florida but there’s no way we can put the house on the market with this fucking pandemic going on that seems to have no end in sight anytime soon. I still worry about being trapped here, so I hope Tom is right when he says they’ll have a vaccine around the time we’re ready to move.

I’m still a little worried about the lump in my neck as well as my nails, but not so worried about my female parts.

I removed the nail polish I swore I wouldn’t bother with for the rest of the year and my nails still look like shit. But maybe it’s more than just nail polish, though. Given that I’m also getting a band of redness under my wedding band, I’m starting to wonder if it’s some kind of contact allergy and if it’s some product I’ve been using that’s causing it. This could be anything from my tea tree mint shampoo to conditioner to different lotions. At least this isn’t in a sensitive spot and I only feel a bit of irritation. Nothing even close to maddening in any way.

I was surprised to learn that by age 50 most people have lost a total of 12 teeth, including their wisdom teeth. By age 75, 26% of people have lost all their teeth. I didn’t know this! So I guess I’m kind of normal after all since I’ve lost 7 so far. Those are the ones I’ve had pulled. This doesn’t count the bridge, the few crowns I have, and the root canal I’m about to get. One of the pulls, though, was an impacted baby tooth.

Aly told me she didn’t care for her teeth very well when she was younger and believes that steroids and other prescription drugs damaged her teeth. It was $2,400 for her upper dentures. She has a few missing teeth down below but nothing worth getting crowns or bridges for yet. She misses her real teeth.

I’ve had lots of pets, yet none have ever or will ever make the impression on us that Tinkerbell made. She was truly extraordinary in every sense of the word. Despite my anxieties over my teeth and my relief over the appeal, I’ve shed some tears for her tonight. I still miss her so much and I feel so guilty about the way she died and having to suffer under the shitty circumstances we were in at the time. If Tom’s belief is right about there being an afterlife where we’re reunited with our pets, I hope she’ll forgive me for the way I handled her in the end, even though I would think most people would understand.

Even though I told Alyssa I wouldn’t send any more messages since she clearly didn’t want any kind of friendship with me, which is her right, I decided that since it’s highly unlikely she’s even picking up my messages (and this is true since she could always disable notifications) I would use our Messenger chat for a voice journal. I won’t discuss anything too private, of course. It just amuses me to think of the very, very, very off-chance that she may actually hear them. Or maybe even her kid or future grandkids someday. Most likely no one will ever hear them but until voice blogging is as common as text blogging, why not use it for that?

My first-ever homemade scalloped potatoes are in the cooker now. Was a bit of time and work to make but I didn’t mind. The mandolin saved some time, though. The ingredients came today, and I swear this is the biggest onion I ever did see! Didn’t use most of it.

TUESDAY, MAY 12, 2020
Oh, gross! Gross, gross, gross. Tom has a big old ugly wart on the back of his head which I’ve been treating for him with this stuff that stinks like hell. So I ran into the bedroom and shut the door and turned on the fragrant wax warmer. Hopefully, the iced mocha latte will override that strong yucky chemical smell soon.

The government is still stringing us along, which is no surprise at all to me. I still think they’re going to turn us down. Why take care of your own when you can send billions to other countries?

We’re having March weather now in the 70s, but it was still nice. It was warm in the sun but there was a strong breeze to keep you from getting too hot. We went bike riding. The only thing I didn’t like was dirt and whatever being blown into my eyes because of the wind. It made riding a little tough depending on which direction we were going but it was still fun.

I now have two people who have told me root canals were painful. Aly said that if it was up to her she would get the tooth pulled because there would be less pain and less recovery time.

It seems it really depends on the person and the tooth. My last molar was a nightmare, partly thanks to the fucking county cock that did it. I did some research and found a mix of opinions. Some said root canals were tough and others said it was no big deal. This may sound funny but pain after the fact is easier to deal with than before the fact. If I’m in pain because something’s wrong, it seems harder on me than pain caused by something that was fixed.

I called the dentist and updated Vicky. Not long afterward, Dana called. I know that a dentist’s main objective is to save teeth whenever possible, and she told me she had a root canal when she was 11 and has never had a problem with it and is now 55. I was blown away to learn of her age since I really thought she was around 40. She said most root canals are successful but yes, every now and then they do fail. She said having it done was no big deal.

So she and the dentist strongly recommend going with a root canal and that’s what we’re leaning toward but I’m going to call tomorrow and get additional information. Meanwhile, my infection is 95% better and I won’t need a second round of antibiotics. They’ll stay in my system for about 30 days. Took my last dose early in my day.

MONDAY, MAY 11, 2020
Went bike riding together for a quick but fun ride. We covered nearly a mile and a half, and our top speed was close to 15 miles an hour.

We’re having a cool spell and are only expected to get up to 69 degrees tomorrow. We had some rain tonight as well.

Been hearing more car stereos and motorcycles around here and even some commercial planes. The planes are likely due to the weather. Only heard 2 or 3, though.

Tom made us much better masks out of old T-shirts. Instead of going around the ears, you tie it in back. Much more comfortable! I have an old balaclava I was going to cut the crown out of and sew the mouthpiece of but then decided not to bother. Besides, that thing is made of knitting. They recommend cotton.

Tom asked me which I would choose if they both cost the same…a root canal or for them to just pull the tooth. Well, I suppose I would take the root canal since the other option could lead to more potential trouble than the root canal. I just wish I didn’t have to have anything! As soon as one problem goes away, I get another, and it’s always one fucking thing after another.

I get sick of seeing certain people like Kim that are nothing but selfish, lazy pests that never have a goddamn problem in life other than an occasional cold. You can take that health, I reminded myself, remembering certain spells I cast upon some people, but I swore I would never do that again. Karma would only bite my ass tenfold. Besides, I have no way to know what would happen and no way to call it off if I wanted to. She would get something, but would that be just a few more colds than usual or something serious? It’s not like I want her to get really sick and die or anything like that. But come on! I don’t care that life is supposed to be unfair. I have atresia, asthma, allergies, a sleep disorder, shitty teeth, a dead thyroid, high cholesterol and blood pressure, plus I’ve been through a million other things and all she has is extra weight? Well, fuck that shit. Get ready to do a little suffering because just thinking about it is going to make me pissed off enough to change that even if I didn’t want to. I mean, I know I shouldn’t want to. I should just be happy that she’s healthy and probably will be for many more years to come, right?

I’m mostly worried about money and pain, especially the pain since I’m not one of the lucky ones to get many breaks in life. I’m tired of suffering. I don’t know that it would be that easy to get a dentist willing to at least give me laughing gas for a root canal. A chill pill, sure. But are there many who would be willing to go as far as IV sedation or at least laughing gas for a root canal? Well, Tom is going to find out Wednesday. When I get up tomorrow and take my last penicillin, I’m going to call my dentist and let her know that while I’ve definitely improved, I’m still having sensitivity when I eat, especially if it’s not something soft.

Wednesday, Tom will call the oral surgeon she recommended and find out about costs, sedation, etc. I’m glad he’s okay with being the one to call because I may forget or not think to ask about certain things that might be important.

Definitely have some kind of lump or mass on the side of my left booby, but I’m not worried about it. I suppose most people would be freaking out over it and maybe I would have 20 years ago. Then again, I did have a pea-sized lump in that same breast but in a different area while we were in Oregon that eventually disappeared. I guess that’s part of why I’m not freaking out over it along with the fact that most of us don’t freak out as easily when we get older. Maybe another part of it is just gut instinct. My intuition says it’s nothing serious. If I’ve got my facts straight, most lumps, bumps and masses are benign. I know it could end up being a big deal later on down the road, but for now, I’m not worried. I just want to focus on surviving this pandemic and getting the hell out of here.

Tom reminded me that I could get a mammogram anytime, and I know that but that’s not the problem. Testing isn’t what worries me. It’s the off-chance of being told what I don’t want to hear when we’re trying to get out of here that I have a problem with. I still say I wouldn’t find out anything bad despite having a family history of it, being busty and just a little bit overweight, along with a few other risk factors. But just in case, I would rather get out of here or at least die trying, LOL. I don’t want to deal with anything serious that may require tons of appointments and treatment until we’re out of here and settled wherever, assuming I ever did have problems and didn’t choose to ignore them. I already have enough appointments and things to do between my teeth, ENT and regular things like that. My ENT is next month. Don’t know how helpful she can really be since the thing is basically going to torture me for most of my life anyway. I really think the bulk of my problem has to do with damaged nerves and possibly inner ear tubes more so than TMJ, dead skin shedding in the canal, or anything else.

I was watching a Lifetime movie where a woman was diagnosed with HPD. I’ve never heard of it before and when I looked it up, I immediately thought of the termites and a few online trolls from the past. They seem to have some of the symptoms. It’s the bipolars and those with Asperger’s that I’ve had the most problems with. Intense and constant mood swings are one thing, but it takes things to a whole new level when you deal with those who are extremely paranoid and accusatory like Lisa and Marie. Then again, Lori on Facebook has Asperger’s and she’s never been a problem like her cousin who also has it that damn near wanted to take my head off for declining her request for a texting buddy. I turned her down because I didn’t have the desire to have more than the few texting buddies I already had, and I knew she would overwhelm me with tons of senseless, silly, rambling and repetitious messages. Furthermore, I never felt any real connection with her. She always came off as both unintelligent and uninteresting. I may not be the brightest, sanest person on earth, but there are limits to what I’m willing to put up with. I guess it’s kind of like associating with someone who’s had a speeding ticket as opposed to someone who’s been convicted of a violent crime. Anyway, she took it all wrong when I politely told her I didn’t have much time for texting. She took “no” as a personal insult and attack against her, and I finally had to delete her.

I get that some people would consider me narrow-minded and a bit cold-hearted, but I do understand that most of them can’t help the way they are. I just also believe that one should have the right to be selective. Just like it’s okay to be picky about who we’re intimate with or who we date or marry, it’s okay to be picky about who we’re friends with as well.

Etta, Bill’s sister, has a couple of accounts on Facebook. I’ve messaged both warning her to be careful of Tammy and her equally mean and crazy offspring, and included the link to my blog. My hope is that she’ll alert the termite to it. Honestly, though, I don’t even know that she’s seen the messages. I’ve messaged her before so she’s either not getting them or ignoring them.

Been having fun creating a recipe board on Pinterest and finding different things I want to try. I picked out some things I knew Tom would like. Because he hates so many different things, I can’t include him in many of the recipes. He’ll gladly eat the next one I’m going to try and surprise him with when we get groceries delivered on Wednesday and that’s going to be creamy scalloped potatoes. Potatoes are the only vegetable he’ll eat, and bananas are the only fruit he’ll eat. He wouldn’t dare touch fish or seafood either. He loves carbs, processed foods, and basically everything that’s bad for you, LOL.

I tried to get Molly’s Facebook link, but instead, she asked for mine. So “Penny” made up some story about thinking of making an account in a bogus name because of her ex.

I’ve always known Molly was stuck on herself, but she’s proven all the more to be the selfish emotional shitstorm she’s always been by never reaching out to Penny first. She only communicates with Penny if Penny does it first. Guess that means Penny doesn’t have to worry about being stalked by her! I think she’s busy being fixated on the usual people anyway. She’s still pretty hung up on Roman and Josh. But hey, at least she always responds.

She also brings up her attack regularly and wonders if her life would be different and if she would have ended up in Marbridge had she not been attacked. I think the way she is has a lot more to do with it than just being attacked. I think she’s naturally fucked in the head. She’s just a natural emotional firestorm. If it wasn’t being attacked she uses as a crutch, it would be something else. Even she admitted she’s a very emotional person. She’s always got something to cry about or to be pissed off about.

Had a dream that we were moving only it didn’t make sense because it was just an hour’s drive away.

Then I had a dream I was driving alongside a steep mountainside. I don’t know where I was going but Tom and I felt I would be safe and feel comfortable enough since I would be traveling on the same road the whole time with no chance of getting lost and very little traffic.

Along the way, I was frustrated because I eventually ended up with someone in front of me who was driving too slow that I couldn’t pass. Then they made like they were pulling off at the side of the road much to my relief, but then they jumped back out in front of me. I could see two people in the passenger seat. I was worried they would hold me up the entire way but then they zoomed ahead quickly.

SUNDAY, MAY 10, 2020
Right now I’m multitasking between listening to my audiobook, watching a movie, and now writing.

Oh, I’m sure I should add worrying as well. Will the weeks turn into months and then into years like when the economy collapsed? I’m guessing no and that they’ll have a vaccine by then. I sure hope so! At least this time we’ll have some money even if it may not be enough. They could take away our unemployment as they did in 2011, but they can’t take our retirement.

Yesterday was annoying with not one but two people using circular saws somewhere in the park. I don’t know if Dahl simply moved out of view after he’d saw something or if it was coming from the house behind him but I still can’t believe how much I hear this shit here. Never lived anywhere like it before in my life. I realize that even if we could afford to go where my parents lived, things have changed. Things aren’t what they were in the 80s. People weren’t project-crazy (unless it was absolutely necessary) and coming and going with loud vehicles, including motorcycles back then. But I would be willing to bet just about anything that they are now. Still think we could get a place quieter than this if we went to another park but I also don’t know that I want to bother with communities ever again. Where there are people there’s always noise and I’ve always had a problem in just about every community I’ve ever lived in, adult or not. People just can’t shut up, so there is always going to be some degree of annoyance. If I don’t have the college kids and the welfare bums driving me crazy with their mutts and music, it will be the older folks doing regular projects. Even if the residents were dead quiet, these parks are obsessed with appearance and upgrading this and that, so the park itself is just as annoying. I would still hear things in a rural setting but at least those things wouldn’t be as close or as often. Because it’s Mother’s Day, I’m hoping no one will pull anything today. So far so good.

The meal I made in what I’m pretty sure is just a 2.5-quart cooker from who knows how many decades ago came out well but I’m not sure I’d make it again. The chicken and broccoli were great but the potatoes were kind of bland. At least he likes the potatoes and even ate some of the chicken too.

Going to be making a 25-degree drop over the next few days but it doesn’t look like it’s going to rain after all.

Not a single comment on The Landlord. Figured as much but that’s okay.

The term “social distancing” is kind of funny because if you’re distancing yourself then you’re not social, LOL.

“Just saying” and “I’m just telling you” really annoys me. I mean, no shit you’re just saying or just telling. Do these people think those they’re talking to are deaf or something?

Yesterday I was starting to think my tooth wasn’t going to get any better than it had gotten and I was even in pain after eating. Maybe that’s because I ate so damn much because I went hungry most of the day and was absolutely starving. Had to take ibuprofen too, but today I’ve noticed that while I wouldn’t want to eat anything hard or crunchy on that side, I didn’t feel as much irritation when I ate and then brushed my teeth.

I want so badly to send the termites my final piece of mind which are the journal excerpts I have on Blogger so I can delete them (assuming they haven’t seen them), but it’s too soon. I told myself not to be afraid of them. After all, they weren’t afraid to bully, stalk, harass and even threaten me. But I am afraid of them, not because I fear they could get me in any kind of trouble and not because of what they may find a way to say to me directly but because I wouldn’t want Tom finding out about it due to something they either end up sending to the house or because they managed to find a way to contact him online. I knew they weren’t very bright but I didn’t think they were dumb enough not to know how to find our address. But they could figure it out if someone didn’t tell them.

I just know how paranoid Tom can get. As for me, I learned the hard way that people only have power over us if we let them have it. So I wouldn’t be worried about anything they may do on account of me sending a link or the actual excerpts but I think he might worry a bit. I think he would be paranoid that I went too far and crossed some kind of line that could get me in trouble. In reality, though, I would never send anything even remotely illegal. Those threatening voice messages, however, were really pushing it. I would be genuinely worried if I’d been dumb enough to say anything like that, especially with my voice, but they knew damn well I wasn’t going to involve the police so I think that’s part of why they said what they said along with sheer stupidity. But yes, I could have hung them by the balls with their threats. Oh, they wouldn’t have done a moment of jail time, of course, or even gone to court or paid any fines or have to do probation, but it might have earned them a serious warning. The cops would have gone to their place and lectured them like the cop that came to me when Tammy defended her abuser about my threatening voice messages to him. Well, that’s all that would have happened to me had there not been an unknown warrant out on me.

The termites will hear from me one last time a year after we’ve moved and nothing can be forwarded to us. If I keep it out of public, they shouldn’t have any reason to know when we move. As far as they know, we weren’t supposed to move for another 4 years, if they can remember that. Once we get settled wherever we’re going and I know it’s permanent, then I’ll be willing to be a little more open about my life in public since we wouldn’t have to worry about potential sellers, park managers or employers. I would still be careful about sensitive info, of course, and sharing things pertaining to those I’m close to.

Ran out to Rite Aid and decided to take a chance going maskless when I had issues adjusting the mask. Oh, to have two normal ears! What annoyed me a little was the way one of the guys at the register was distracted by chatting with a coworker. I had to remind him that we wanted to leave as fast as possible. Got some mini chocolate chip cookies and merlot. I suppose we shouldn’t spend extra money unnecessarily but sometimes you just gotta have a life and treat yourself. The store was kind of crowded and I was surprised to see two or three people that work there regularly unmasked. Running in and out quickly is one thing but spending all day there? I’d say about half of the customers had masks on.

I’m a hell of a lot more worried for Aly than I am for myself even though we have a higher chance of getting sick and dying than we do of losing this place. She was the one who picked up Cam from the hospital. I was really hoping that Cam would insist she stay away and get a taxi, Lyft or Uber instead. She did wear a mask and gloves but I’m still worried because of how easily she gets sick. Cam has a brother in Colorado who’s also sick and might not make it.

SATURDAY, MAY 9, 2020
Making my first slow cooker meal of honey garlic chicken with potatoes and broccoli. Not sure I’ll like it, though, based on the smell of the spices it’s cooking in. It has a bit of a…tangy?…smell to it.

Switched the pigs’ cages and I am allowing Fuzzy to visit with Blitz. As long as he doesn’t run Blitz ragged by being too much of a pest or chew the liner, he’s free to come and go between the two levels.

Heard sawing AGAIN and went out to investigate but no one was in Dahl’s carport. I suppose I shouldn’t be too surprised. It’s EVERYWHERE here. He could’ve sawed something and then gone indoors, though.

Exchanged hellos with Jon. He likes the progress Tom has made with the yard.

Still worried about my teeth, our finances due to COVID-19, and whatever the lump in my neck is that’s sometimes more noticeable than others. Plus, I felt a mass on the side of my left boob. Pretty sure that one is just fibroid-related (those things that fill with fluid before periods), but still. My health really needs to hold up until we get out of here!

I’m also worried that my tooth isn’t going to get a hundred percent better. I think where I’m at now is as good as it gets. This means I’m no longer in excruciating pain, I usually don’t need ibuprofen, but I can’t chew on that side.

I’m so glad I keep a journal! I recently read an article about how our memories change over time. Not only that, but I’m becoming more and more forgetful with age. Everyone should keep a journal! I read back on the details of the county quack that pulled my other molar that got infected in 2011 and forgot a couple of things. That’s that he had to numb me four different times and even had to drill where the root connects. This confirms what my dentist said about antibiotics helping but not completely getting rid of the infection, and I can totally see where numbing agents would be worthless. This makes me even more determined to get knocked out regardless of whether or not I have them pull the tooth or do a root canal. I want to be as oblivious as possible!

The longer this shit with the virus goes on, the more I worry about worst-case scenarios happening. When I think about it, we could now be on a long, slow, tortuous path toward death, even though I doubt it. I sure as hell would at least like to think the end isn’t near, anyway. But then who does unless they’re really suffering? It’s just that when I think about it, there are a number of things that could go wrong. He could have no choice but to work for Amazon and get sick and die. Or, if he couldn’t find work anywhere, we could lose the place. As much as I dislike it here, I would certainly rather be here than on the streets.

Finally, I told myself not to worry about the streets because we’re not going there. It’s that simple. Just like the two times we came close when we first moved here, that’s not happening. I couldn’t survive the streets. I’m just not tough enough. That for sure would be a slow and torturous death for me, so we would definitely end it before it came to that.

A part of me wishes we’d gone straight from Arizona to Florida or maybe sought a more permanent solution toward getting rid of the problem next door (even if it might have been a long battle) and remained in Phoenix. Yes, they favor minorities that aren’t gay or Jewish, and yes, the courts favor minorities over whites, but at least the place would have been paid for ages ago.

Another part of me wonders about those who believe things happen for a reason. Could the medical trauma I went through be in order to prepare me for something even worse? Something like having to take my own life? I mean, I’m going to have to do it sooner or later unless I die before Tom does and I would definitely not be as terrified as I would have been a decade ago, but I would still be plenty terrified enough. Again, who wouldn’t be?

I swear I’m going to slap the next person that talks about free will and how we make our own choices and choose our own path in life and all that bullshit. I can choose what to wear today, I can choose what to eat, I can choose to walk out of this room and cuddle my pets, but I can’t choose the outcome of the situation we’re in. Nobody asked for this virus and to be affected by it be it directly or not.

At this point, I’m a little more worried about us getting extremely ill than I am about running out of money. Despite the fact that just over four million people have had it in a world full of over seven billion people, I would think that would be more likely than anything else. So yeah, I’m worried about whether or not we may get sick, our finances, my teeth, and whatever other health issues I may encounter. I don’t want to have to deal with health issues no matter what and no matter where we are, of course, but I would certainly rather deal with them settled in a cheaper place than here.

I realize that in some ways it might be better to die now than in another 30 years where I would have to endure decades of God only knows what additional shit physically and emotionally, especially physically. But self-preservation is a natural instinct that’s hard to fight. I also continue to worry about what, if anything, may lie beyond. It still makes no sense that there is an afterlife since we need eyes to see, ears to hear, and a brain to think, but maybe it’s like transferring digital information from one hard drive to another. Maybe there’s a way to transfer all those things from our brains in this existence to something else. I just don’t know. Personally, I’m still hoping for no afterlife at all. This life is enough!

Finished proofreading and editing my 1998 journal. Although slowly, I’m moving along steadily, making them as correct and readable as I can, and it’s filling some of my time.

FRIDAY, MAY 8, 2020
Another day, another water shut-off. Yeah, that alone is enough of a reason to want to move. Sick of this shit, although I shouldn’t have been dumb enough to attempt to do laundry during the daytime. Fortunately, the water didn’t go off until after my shower but we had to pause the washer. From now on, there will be absolutely no more showers, laundry or dishes running during the daytime while we’re still here since most of these “emergencies” occur during the daytime.

Tom assures me that Joy’s last complaint was not aimed at us specifically but at a lot of people because many have let their yards go. There’s one nearby that let their grass get knee-high. So it’s not a coincidence that the complaint comes the day after I complain anonymously about the middle-of-the-night motorcycles? I guess not since I’ve complained that way before and didn’t get counter-complained on the next day, after all.

Today is going to be 95° but in a few days, we’re going to drop all the way down to about 70° and get some rain, which is unusual for this time of year. I love the warmer weather when I’m awake but it definitely makes sleeping a bit uncomfortable.

The lump in my neck has been noticeable again. He thinks it’s just a weird muscle or tendon and I think it’s either a swollen lymph node or a thyroid nodule. Unfortunately, I’m probably the one that’s right. He didn’t think I was infected but I knew I was. I was in too much pain not to be. Broccoli is supposed to be bad for thyroids so once I run out of what I’ve got, I’ll back off and see if it’s less noticeable.

Yesterday was the first day I didn’t need any ibuprofen for my tooth. It’s still improving but very slowly. I can still feel some sensitivity if I chew on that side and when I brush my teeth.

Couldn’t resist commenting on a couple of friends of Alyssa’s that allow public comments. I don’t know, I guess the thought of her noticing it amuses me, though I don’t know that she has. She may have all kinds of nannies and other people to help her with that kid, but she’s got to be pretty busy. This is the longest she’s gone that I know of without changing her profile picture so I doubt she has much time for Facebook. The last change was in August. One of the friends replied that lives in Harlingen, Texas where Molly is from (I complimented her yard decor). Most of her friends are from this area so I don’t know how they know each other or if they’re related or not.

THURSDAY, MAY 7, 2020
Yesterday I only needed to take Ibuprofen twice and so far today I haven’t had to take any. I’m now able to brush the infected area as long as I do it carefully but I do still have some sensitivity when I bite down, and quite a bit of fatigue. So my body is still busily fighting the infection.

Since penicillin is a common drug, it was cheap at just $9.21. But even if I go with having it pulled which would be cheaper, it’s still going to be a few hundred dollars in the end that we really can’t afford to spend now, so I’m almost tempted to just get rid of the infection and hope it doesn’t come back. I still don’t eat unless I’m famished or close enough to it, and I limit where I go online since talk of food is as abundant as racism, if not directly then at least in some indirect reference.

We lost both Woody and the fish yesterday. :-( Since Rockefeller prefers his solitude, I’m going to switch him with Blitz and open the door between the two levels so that Fuzzy can visit him every now and then. That way they can each have some company. I’ll have to watch the food, though, with the way rats hoard and hide food. I won’t put the ramps down so that it’s a little trickier for Fuzzy to climb up, especially being older and fatter, so it won’t be too easy for him to steal many of the veggies. I’ll make a point of feeding Blitz mostly when Fuzzy is asleep. Fuzzy has a schedule, Blitz doesn’t. The pigs are sleeping more, though, as they age.

Dixie called yesterday wanting to know if I would be willing to go down and help her sort Diane’s dresser drawers, and since Dixie’s had limited contact with outsiders, I decided it would be okay to go down for an hour or so and I did. We chatted as I helped her sort drawers and she gave me a few things, too. Black sequined flats which are slightly big on me, a pink knit scarf, and a small colorful canvas tote.

Through her, I learned why we haven’t seen Jim. He’s moved to an apartment with assisted living.

So now we can’t even go a month without sawing or one week without the motorcycle in the middle of the night. If I wasn’t so hot and in a hurry to get back home, I would have confronted Dahl on my way back from Dixie’s about the regular sawing going on over there. Yeah, that’s the worrisome part…that he’s not as incapable as I thought. The guy in the blue truck wasn’t here. It was him doing the sawing. This has gotten to be way too much so I definitely plan on finding out what the hell is going on soon enough and seeing if they would be willing to move the saw to the other side of the house if they’re going to pull this shit every goddamn month and more. This isn’t the place for that shit! I didn’t come to an adult community to listen to loud power tools and motorcycles in the middle of the night.

The more shit I hear from people, the more the idea of returning to country living appeals to me. Oh, we’ll still hear shit with the world being so noisy, but at least it won’t be 20-50 feet away. People just can’t shut up no matter where you go. But if we can get a piece of land in Florida, at least when the neighbors are barking, banging, sawing and making the racket they do, it will be hundreds of feet away. I’m sure we’ll still be able to hear some of it inside the house, just not nearly as loud. The two biggest problems in rural areas are barking and engine-gunning. I don’t know why, but they really love to gun their engines out in the country. I’m sure there will be some degree of motorcycles and car stereos as well. But if I could not have to sleep with such loud sound machines, it would really be nice.

Unemployment told him it would be a few days before they made their final decision but I’m not very hopeful there. Between the government’s reluctance to take care of their own and the way they’re overwhelmed with so many requests, I don’t expect him to get anything.

Cam is now in the hospital. Aly said his fever got dangerously high and he was delusional and gasping for breath. She’s getting updates through his family. Today he’s doing better and is more alert. They hope to release him this weekend.

I didn’t have any bad dreams about Cam, but I had a dream Aly’s father died. Only she was living with her parents at the time he died.

Quickly scanned Molly’s tweets and she’s the same old miserable person who’s always fighting with someone where she lives. Plus, harassing a couple of guys online that she used to know. From what “Penny” could gather, she seems to believe she’s still friends with Aly, so they’re either keeping in touch elsewhere or Aly finally dumped her, was too embarrassed to admit I was right about her, and Molly’s too stupid to get that she’s been ghosted. I think the first case is more likely and that Aly “magically” knows that I’m Penny and that’s why she hasn’t created a new account to connect to her from there. For some reason, she’s very private when it comes to her friendship with Molly. She doesn’t want me reading any tweets from any account connected to her, and she doesn’t want to discuss her either.

WEDNESDAY, MAY 6, 2020
Little by little the pain is subsiding and I’m getting better but still have quite a bit of pain when any pressure is applied to that tooth. So I’m not out of the woods yet. I managed to eat one full meal yesterday and although it was agony at times, I was so fucking hungry that I really didn’t have much choice. An infection is painful enough, but an infected nerve takes things to a whole new level.

We cut the end off my mouthguard. It was never seated properly in that area because it was molded before the crown was placed there, and I realized that it didn’t need to cover that much in order to do its job and keep contact away from that tooth.

Not too long ago, I noticed I was having thrush again and treated it until my mouth felt better but by then it was too late and the bacteria caused the infection. The mouth is one of the toughest places to keep bacteria-free.

Tom learned that Bob has much deeper health concerns than I do. He was out working in the yard when he noticed him using a walker. He was surprised because he’s always been in such good shape, walking and riding his bike regularly. Then I thought about it and realized I haven’t actually seen him on his morning walks in a while now. Neither of us has seen Jim in ages either. I don’t even know if he’s still alive.

Anyway, they learned Sunday that poor Bob has a brain tumor and will be having radiation therapy. I’m hoping that since his doctor is willing to do this on a guy who’s 90, that means he has a fighting chance to enjoy a few more years of life.

I hate to sound selfish, but I really hope he doesn’t die before we get out of here. I do NOT want to deal with a new set of neighbors just a few feet away ever again! I know damn well that with my shit luck, they’re going to be outdoors all the time and God only knows how loud their vehicles may be. I would actually be more worried about that than them having an annoying dog since most people in the west don’t believe they should be brought indoors and therefore won’t bother bringing them here if they know they can’t leave them outside all the time. There are only two households with dogs on this side of the circle, Geri and Santa. Nonetheless, if he goes, she goes. I can’t believe she would stay here by herself. I think she would move in with one of her kids or maybe to some kind of apartment with assisted living. Plus, she once told me they’d be here till one of them dies.

TUESDAY, MAY 5, 2020
Wow, I’m really losing weight here. Yeah, it’s called the infection diet and it isn’t any more fun than the anxiety diet. I’d much rather feel well and keep my weight. So yesterday turned out to be incredibly shitty. Ironically it was the fourth, too. Went through just about one of the worst pain in my life. Not even my worst period cramps were ever that bad. With the exception of when I broke my arm, I don’t even think my ear surgery hurt that much.

We got to the dentist’s office shortly before 10 but no one was there yet. I began to get a little worried since I was in so much pain and didn’t think to take my phone with me. But at 10 on the dot, the doctor and her assistant Dana showed up.

So I waited a while as they set things up that hadn’t been used in several days. Their software did an update that fouled things up, so it took a while to get their computer system going. Then Dana checked my temperature which was 96.9 and had me use a special mouthwash.

I had been pretty sure it was the cavity in my lower molar that had somehow expanded and got infected, even though it seemed a little weird that I would get infected since my body is pretty resistant to infections and I take good care of my teeth. But I knew I had way too much pain for a simple problem. Plus, I’ve been having fatigue no matter how well I slept.

So they got an x-ray of that tooth which was also a problem because I’m small and they eventually had to get the kiddy paddle, a slide shaped like a paddle. They had to take a few pics because one of the roots near that tooth was longer and not fully in view.

The dentist looked at the picture and didn’t see anything unusual. Nothing seemed to have changed since I last saw her and she discovered the cavity. I was confused as hell because I knew that such severe pain had to mean something was up for sure. Yet she did a bite and air test along the bottom right teeth and I didn’t have any sensitivity to it at all.

But then she moved to the back upper molars and it was a whole different story. Like through the roof kind of pain!

So off I went for another photoshoot with her telling me that when there’s a problem in that area it is hard to differentiate which tooth is the real culprit. Sure enough, I’m in for worse news than I bargained for. Oh, I’m infected all right, but it’s not a matter of giving me antibiotics and then filling a simple cavity gone haywire. The root is dying, and she recommends a root canal. She started me on penicillin and said to let her know if I feel I need another round after my 8 days of this one are up. The reason they can’t do anything until they cure the infection is that being infected renders the numbing agent worthless. Guess that explains why ibuprofen has done me little good.

I was so pissed at myself because this is pretty much my fault. The root isn’t dying due to decay but bruxism. That’s when you grind your teeth in your sleep. Someone got lazy and forgot to sleep with her mouthguard one too many times and that’s what did it. I had no idea that bruxism could lead to nerve damage and infections but apparently, it can. I thought the worst it could do was damage the teeth but nope. So I’ve been mentally beating myself up for it. Yeah, I could really kick myself to hell and back!

Anyway, I was freaked out by the thought of getting a root canal done because I’ve heard such horrible things about root canals. Andy said they were very painful. Tom was quick to point out that Andy wasn’t a good one to go by, but still.

She doesn’t do major tooth repair so she gave me a referral to an odontologist if I decide to go through with the root canal she recommends since as a dentist her first choice is always to try to save any tooth that can be saved. Plus, she gave me a referral if I decide to have it pulled. This would be my eighth extraction. It would be a tough pull if I went with that because it is a molar. As long as they’re not impacted, wisdom teeth are the easiest to pull, then incisors, and then molars because they have double roots. I could end up with the tooth below it lifting since it wouldn’t have anything grinding down on it, but it would definitely be cheaper. Tom looked up the cost with our discount cards and it would be $200 to pull it and $800 to get a root canal. For a fleeting moment, I almost wished my parents were still alive because I know they would want to pay for some of this.

Another reason I was freaked out about a root canal was because of a documentary I saw about a guy who had one years ago that didn’t feel well for years and it was discovered that it was because of the root canal. The dentist knew the documentary I was talking about and said she hates it when people see that because that case was in Australia and they do things differently there and in New Zealand than they do in the US.

Dana said she had a trauma many years ago and fell and had to have a root canal and that it was painless and no big deal at all. Unlike bridges, crowns and fillings, it should last a lifetime. The doctor said that rarely do root canals fail. But then I did more research to find that yes, they can fail even years after having it done, and no, they don’t always last forever. I thought the entire root and tooth would be dead, but it’s actually only the root that they kill. The tooth is still alive and therefore could still be a problem in the future and get cavities.

I looked up a quick video on YouTube about the general procedure and how it’s done and read the comments. Most people did confirm that it’s not a big deal and a few even said it was easier than fillings. That doesn’t make sense. There’s a lot more drilling with root canals and it takes about an hour to do just one tooth. But that’s what some people said.

She assured me that the oral surgeon could use the numbing agent without epinephrine and all that but since that particular tooth has a crown on it, I’m even more tempted to just get rid of it.

Really, I need to find a better solution for these fucking teeth! I was born with bad enamel. My teeth have been a problem all my life and they will only continue to be if I don’t look at something more long-term like getting the molars replaced at some point with partial dentures. They just get worse with age and I could end up spending more money and putting myself in more pain if I try to keep up on them. If flossing and brushing religiously aren’t enough to keep cavities away, what is? Hopefully, I’ll never again have damaged nerves because I’ll never again sleep without my mouthguard. Last night, I had no choice but to go without it, though, because I was in so much pain from what the dentist did to diagnose me that I couldn’t even put the slightest pressure on that tooth. You don’t realize just how often your top and lower teeth touch each other until you’re trying not to let that happen, and with the guard, I would have to open my mouth even wider to keep that from happening. I was just falling asleep when my jaw began to close, and the pressure caused enough pain to wake me up.

She said that when I start feeling good is when it’s time to call the oral surgeon. I was in so much pain last night that I started to feel like I would never get better. You could have taken a hammer to my teeth on the other side and it wouldn’t have made a difference because I was in so much damn pain to begin with. I don’t think I’ve ever even had cramps that bad. Other than when I broke my arm, not even my ear surgery was that bad. Definitely just about the worst pain I ever experienced.

I haven’t been able to eat or even drink much, and I appreciate the weight loss and I certainly could afford it, but again, I’d rather just feel good and be able to feed my hunger. I had a piece of bread and sipped some OJ as well as an Atkins shake out of a straw so I could aim the liquid away from the infected area. I’m starving now and hoping I can eat something with substance later on.

Anyway, I haven’t made my final decision yet, but right now I’m leaning toward pulling it. Yes, the bottom tooth could lift and throw my bite off but if it does, then I’ll just have that tooth pulled as well. Pulling two teeth would be cheaper than one root canal, and I would be rid of that crown too, as I said. Pretty sure that’s the one that popped off when I was flossing. Both options have their good and bad to them. If I went with the root canal, not only would that cost more money, but since they would have to poke a hole in the crown, I’d have to run back to her to have that refilled. She is going to be reopening this month so I could get that taken care of if I went that route and she could take care of the two cavities as well.

I’ve taken a few doses of penicillin so far, trying to ignore the fact that one of the numbers on the huge pills is a 4. I took Doc O’s advice and didn’t look at the list of possible side effects, but I did see on the bottle that it could cause diarrhea, even weeks or months after taking them. I’d rather that than something blowing up my heart and making me feel absolutely terrified or downright suicidal but hopefully I’ll be okay. I’ve taken a variety of antibiotics before in my life. This is the second time since the 90s. I was in way too much pain to give a shit about my medication phobia anyway. I told Tom, who has a phobia of dentists and hasn’t been to one since he was a kid, that if he ever gets this, he too would be running to the dentist real fast.

I asked about the laser and it’s actually a type of water gun. Dana said it’s a lot like that and it does make a sound sort of like a popping sound but the kids love it. That was comforting to know because I know that at least one of my cavities is going to be lasered.

Also, according to my research, the county quack who pulled my other molar nearly a decade ago lied. The teeth aren’t lodged in the bone. Instead, they’re attached to the bone by what’s called the periodontal ligament.

Anyway, I’m a little stressed out right now. I’m thrilled and relieved that I’m starting to feel a little better, but I have a decision to make and either one I choose is not going to be fun at all. Do I go the cheaper route that can potentially cause additional problems? Or do I take the more expensive route that can be a bigger pain in the ass but safer? Well, hopefully safer.

I just worry that this is the start of many problems to come that could delay us from moving. The more money we have to shell out, the more it could very well hold things up. He did get his first retirement payment, I’m happy to say, but still. We’re not getting nearly as much as we need to cover the basics, let alone dental issues, and there’s no saying how many months it could be before he’s working again. It’s like something is trying to deplete our savings!

Woody appears to be dying. I noticed he started getting skinny and lately, he’s been sleeping more and eating less. I don’t even think he’s been up in the hammock recently. He seems to spend all his time down below in the plush bed that I put in there. I’m wondering if he’s got cancer or something.

Right after I got up, turned the sound machine off, and headed into the bathroom after just 6 hours of sleep after being up 21 hours, I heard the motorcycle blast out. My guess is that as long as it doesn’t go by the bedroom, it shouldn’t wake me up. After all, it didn’t wake me up coming in. It usually comes in after midnight at leaves between 3 and 4 a.m. They’re rude fuckers, whoever they are, and I don’t care if motorcycles are their only means of transportation either. You shouldn’t be coming and going in any neighborhood but especially in an adult community in the middle of the fucking night.

We’ve been having Walmart deliver small orders every few days. I wonder what free goodies they’ll bring today. I love how they’ve been adding extras. The last time around it was 15 plastic food storage containers. Plus, they gave me two tubes of M&M’s instead of one.

SUNDAY, MAY 3, 2020
This doesn’t hurt but I have this strange throbbing/tingling sensation in the center of my left thumb tip where the nail meets the nail bed. That nail has always been the worst too, as far as the discoloration goes. No idea what the hell is wrong with my nails, but I have a feeling it’s not going away anytime soon and that it’s not a simple matter of too much nail polish.

Anyway, yesterday was the first time I didn’t have to take Ibuprofen just to sleep. Just when I woke up starting to think maybe I killed my tooth infection, I was in the worst pain ever trying to eat my delicious home-cooked meal of garlic tilapia and seasoned broccoli. It was so bad I almost cried out in pain. So I’m back to a mix of ibuprofen, ice, and this new mouthwash Tom got with analgesic and astringent in it. The only thing that really does me much good is to not eat or drink anything too cold or too hot. All it takes is something like that hitting the nerve since the root is exposed and it’s like OMFG! Tomorrow morning can’t come fast enough.

I haven’t noticed the lump at the lower base of my neck lately so maybe that was a case of occasionally swollen lymph nodes and had nothing to do with my thyroid. I don’t know.

I totally see what Christine and so many others mean when they say that sex over 50 is nothing like when you’re younger. If you can get in the mood in the first place, you don’t even get off like you used to. You do but you don’t. It’s almost like you start to cum and then your body changes its mind at the last minute. If this is TMI for some people, sorry! Happens to the best of us, though.

SATURDAY, MAY 2, 2020
Watched a quick video clip of the Huntington Beach protesters and I can’t believe how stupid so many people are. I really can’t. Fun in the sun is more important than saving lives, apparently, so I hope that every single one of these dumb-ass protesters gets the virus. You deserve to die and rid the world of your stupidity if you’re going to be this insanely reckless and dumb.

Anyway, I’m still having some fatigue and a whole lot of pain, but the good news is that my dentist is going to see me Monday morning. Still no fever but my fatigue and pain suggest the tooth is infected. Guess I’ll find out soon enough.

Sometimes I really don’t get Aly. She’s quick to discuss Kim but for some reason, she’s been very reluctant to discuss Molly and I wonder why.

Had a dream I went into some kind of fast food place, but no one was at the counter. It seemed the entire place was deserted. So I took a seat and started voice-typing some handwritten notes I’d taken, and eventually, a few other people entered the place. Together we tried to get someone’s attention, but no one was around. One of the guys in the small group gave me a number to call to see if I could find out what was going on but all I got was a busy signal. So a woman sat down with a magazine and said with confidence that somebody would be by soon.

FRIDAY, MAY 1, 2020
My teeth are still hurting like hell. The pain radiates along my entire lower right jaw and part of the upper jaw as well. You could say it’s really struck a nerve! Going to call the dentist later this morning and hope she’ll get me in. Really worried it’s gotten infected. I don’t have a fever, but I do have fatigue even though I slept fine.

I took a 45-minute nap though I’m not sure I actually fell asleep. After I finish this entry I’m going to have to lie down again.

I also got an automated call to call a number from Dignity Health I’ve never seen before and to provide the code they give. I called the number and it does go to Dignity. They probably want to get on my ass for not going to the GYN. Or maybe not. After listening to it again and the fact that it’s a toll-free number, I’m thinking it must have to do with our new insurance.

Anyway, between the ibuprofen and possible infection, I’m tired today but I don’t have anything that requires me to be more physical than usual planned for today. I went on a 15-minute bike ride and if I have the energy for it, I’ll ski later on while I watch TV. Of course I saw a skunk, too. It could have been a cat since we do have some roaming around, but I don’t think so. It was running by Lawrence’s place.

Instead of being up a pound, I found I was down half a pound when I got up. I was a little surprised since I did have some processed things yesterday and around the usual 1500 calories I naturally tend to have most days. It could be because of the extra activity. My total exercise time yesterday added up to just over an hour.

I trimmed the pigs’ nails yesterday since they were getting long and curvy. I only did the front paws as that’s pretty much all that was needed. I could have cut them a little shorter but didn’t want to risk getting too close to the quick and springing a bleeder and putting them in pain.

There was a huge spider in the kitchen yesterday as the sun was coming up. Of course, Tom insisted it wasn’t huge. Well, either way, it’s the time of year to bomb the place but where the hell can we go for 4 hours with everything shut down? Instead, he’s going to get some indoor spray.

Tom was looking into the prices and while it varies from time to time, it would probably be cheaper to have Candy shipped to Florida rather than get a new used electric car there. We got a hell of a deal on Candy that would be hard to find again, and electric cars seem to be more expensive in the East.

Cam has the virus. A reminder that if Tom were to go to work now, he could get sick. He’s been battling every symptom that comes with it for a week. Fortunately, he doesn’t have asthma. I wonder if it’s going to go away on its own and how long it will take. Really hope the guy doesn’t end up in the hospital!

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Last updated July 09, 2024