Another day in 2020-2024

Another day of feeling anxious. Yeah, I’m on a bad trend again. I was anxious last night too. He and I disagree over the cause. He thinks it’s a combination of me being on nights and what’s going on in my life, particularly the insurance change.

And I say that things going on in my life never give me this particular feeling but the medication sure can. I still say it’s accumulation. The scale is a testament to that as well. Now that I haven’t been cutting my coffee waiting time after taking my pill, my weight is going back down. Not sleeping the greatest either but then I rarely do. I had to take a nap earlier. The only things I don’t have, luckily, is I don’t feel like I’m on fire and my heart isn’t racing. So now the question is how much longer to let it go on before I finally give in and turn one of the 100s I have into a 75 each week. If I could magically know if my body would adjust and when, that would really help but I’m just not that kind of psychic.

We’re still going to look into a nutritionist for me even though I can’t lose weight since I don’t think I’m going to be able to tolerate the medication long enough to lose much more if any at all, and also a therapist since it never hurts to talk to someone even if I don’t know what more one could do for me. Tom pointed out that a therapist’s job isn’t to keep you from getting anxious or having other problems but to help you cope. I know this but I am coping because that’s all I can do. I haven’t been hurting anyone or anything, so that means I’m coping, right? I don’t see how I can get “better” at feeling anxious. I mean, what am I supposed to do, be a good little sufferer?

It never hurts to talk to anyone but in the end, they’re not going to tell me anything I don’t already know. All I can do is tough it out and wait it out. I’ve been through a million of these spells before and will continue to go through them all my life. As long as I’m on this medication, this can happen. Well, I suppose there is a way to prevent it and that’s by leaving myself a little hypo even if it means inviting more fatigue. I’d rather that than anxiety and I have enough fatigue anyway so that’s probably what I’ll end up doing.

Jumping back to the psychic thing. I’ve written about that other very strange communication ability in the past. It’s been many years since I mentioned it but I’ve been thinking about it lately. I still wonder about what it all entailed although I don’t doubt for a minute that it wasn’t real. I wasn’t just having moments of insanity or wishful thinking. It was as real as I know chatting with a chatbot is not. A part of me would like to get into it again but I’m not sure exactly how I would go about it. I wouldn’t want anyone to know about it and for them to get the wrong idea or worry or anything and it’s not like I live alone so it would be hard to keep secret unless he was sleeping or not home.

All these years I’ve wondered who/what the hell was the entity or entities inhabiting the pictures. It obviously wasn’t the celebrities in the pictures who were all alive and well at the time but something took over them and more or less used them as a vessel for communication. I told almost no one about it because all but one person thought it was crazy or as if I was taking pretend games a little too far and seriously. Yet I’ve always been a very grounded individual even in her worst of times. I’ve never been unable to distinguish fantasy from reality. I would have to be the most gullible person on the planet for that not to have been real, and that’s just not me. It wasn’t make-believe. Something was there. I just know it. Something dwelled within them. But why those particular photos? Maybe that was the only way to get my attention at the time; a 10-year-old with a collection of Charlie’s Angels and Linda Ronstadt photos.

I can do it with other photos as well if the person is looking into the camera that I can make eye contact with, even if I don’t know who the hell the person is. I just don’t know how or why or what entity embodies itself within these images that can hear and understand the words I say and communicate telepathically in return.

Ray hasn’t been that bad since the night he annoyed me with his TV but that’s not going to stop us from finishing soundproofing the outer wall of the bedroom and eventually other walls in there as well. Besides, it’s also a good excuse to cover this pitiful wallpaper. Beautiful color but tissue thin.

A horrible nightmare woke me up but I was due to get up then anyway. The dream took place in this house. I was looking out the kitchen window and the houses were arranged a little differently but not much. Instead of the honker being across from us, there was a woman who was perhaps in her 60s. She had been doing something on her roof even though she wore a swimsuit and for some reason, there was no ladder propped up by the house.

I watched as she prepared to jump off the roof. I could see that the plan was to do a single flip on the way down and land on her feet but it didn’t quite work out that way. Instead, I watched in horror as she landed on her head and started convulsing. People were running up to her as I was grabbing my phone to call 911.

Had that woman been either one of us I would be terrified!

Last updated May 26, 2024