Not As Sexy in The Secret Writings of Eros: Book 4: New Beginnings?

I will admit that this entry won’t be the sexy and debaucherous variety I would far more write here (or read here) but that in itself could be exactly why I write it.

I have often spoke of coming from Purity Culture (and excessive Religiousness) in my past. It is actually somewhat humorous, in fact. People these days ask if I am religious.... I say “no”… because compared to where I have come from I am exceptionally and excessively not religious. AND yet, when they get to know me better? They discover that I was pre-seminary, that I still own multiple translations of both the Torah and the Christian Bible (and commentaries), and that I still have my faith. And they think, “Uh, dude? You’re still really religious.” And then I have my own private joke, and laugh to myself. Because it ultimately proves that such a description is relative. To an atheist, I am sure that I seem to be as Hyper Religious as any asshole out there bringing a bad name to faith throughout time and region. To the people I come from? I am as faithless and religion-free as Richard Dawkins. Now, as the truth is (of course) clearly somewhere in the middle… I exist, as ever, as something of a contradiction. I am often considered something of a contradiction.

All of this as a preamble for something of a Thought Experiment…or just a questioning reflection.

Growing up in Purity Culture and Hyper Religion… I was often given the contradicting inputs of “Sex is a gift from God. Sex is to be enjoyed and embraced but ONLY within the confines of marriage. Sex, even sexual thoughts and urges, outside of marriage is a sin. In fact, any sexual urges or activities with someone who is not your wife… even if you are not married at all… is cheating on your wife.” SO… obviously growing up, I was going to have fucked up issues regarding sex, romance, dating, etcetera. My readers and friends will know that these issues were significantly negatively enhanced by two relationships above all. The Relationship in Which I Was Abused.... and the Marriage That Rejected Physical Touch. I won’t rehash those, there is thousands of pages of writing about it in this world and, should you be truly curious - I will answer questions.

BUT ALL OF THOSE INPUTS tend to weigh on my mind on nights like tonight.
I find myself incredibly horny.

And there are… things surrounding my life that make me feel weird about that. SO, the preamble about what already exists to make me feel weird about things like that.

But add to that.... I have a fairly acceptable sex life these days. We’ve had trouble in the last week or so finding alone time… but how far I’ve come to be going “two weeks or less” as opposed to “months” or even “years!”
Today was a Celebration of Life Memorial for someone I’ve known my whole life.
Today was mostly filled with worrisome, troublesome, deadly nasty weather.

Now, I would never cheat on my girlfriend. I know, and we’ve discussed, that she is passionately monogamous. And, frankly, I tend to work better in that set up anyway. I… can speak a lot more about that and how, technically I can see Poly working but how I need to assert boundaries, expectations, etc.... but I respect my partner’s needs, limits, and boundaries. But I find myself in an interesting moment. My mind races around scenarios and desires and activities which are forbidden from me at present. And I feel… guilty? Bad? And find myself speaking in circles.

Such a feeling comes from the Purity Culture programming and should be ignored.
Such a feeling feels like it is a form of betrayal to your partner and should be accepted.
Such a feeling is needless and should simply be pushed aside.

As is true of far too many things in my life, this is just thoughts and feelings. Thought experiments and self-reflection as opposed to life experience. But thought it worth writing. Thought it worth mentioning.