May 20 2024 - Confidence? in The Beginning

Maybe what I’m about to say will sound cynical, arrogant, brash, bold, or just plain fucking stupid. After all, I am nothing but a 21 year old man who hasn’t had the time to figure out the world. Someone who hasn’t got the guts to go out and do anything (this I will come back to in a minute), but at the moment I don’t care (although later I will silently confess apologies). I’m posting my thoughts on an online journal website where one or two nice patrons comment (which I always appreciate), so really my words shouldn’t hold much weight anyways. I pity anyone who would actually listen to what I have to say. For a disclaimer, I drank a little too much and not feeling like I should be my reserved self.

 Some of the most deplorable, vile, and downright idiotic people I have ever met are so full of confidence. Why is that? Is it because they don't have the awareness of themselves to consider for a moment the reality of who they are as a person? How can they live life without a worry in the world?

 I know that my worldview is small. After all I can't examine every person in the world, I'm confined to a strict geographical area. Perhaps too, I envy them. I'm jealous that they can live and do things without worrying about what others think. Yet, I struggle daily about what people think of me (which is so arbitrary, so useless. Such is life). How can someone who beats their wife not care and be so confident in they way they act, yet I try to be a morally good person, and yet I fail daily at being confident in myself and in my actions?

 I suppose that there are multiple answers to this, that range from individual to individual. Mostly through the environment that one is raised in which will determine who they are as people psychologically speaking. It just bothers me that everyday I am confined by this anxiety, but this lack of confidence and perhaps a deeper feeling of uselessness. Yet, the only temporary thing that helps my mood is drinking (which I don't do that often) or bashing the deplorable (not that I'm on a pedestal of righteousness). Is bringing down one group of people (no matter how low they are morally) because I envy a trait they have, really make me a better person? I don't really think so.